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Language:
English
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Published:
2014-07-12
Updated:
2014-12-21
Words:
613
Chapters:
3/?
Comments:
13
Kudos:
50
Bookmarks:
2
Hits:
878

Billy and Teddy Were Eating Lunch Somewhere

Summary:

I can't even tell you what to expect, except Billy, Teddy, and Lunch. This is my greatest achievement.

Chapter 1: Green

Chapter Text

Billy and Teddy sat somewhere together.  Maybe it was the roof of the Avengers Mansion.  That sounds good.  Probably they were eating lunch.  Let’s say they were.

Billy put his food down for a moment and said, “Here’s what I don’t get.  Sure, the Hulk is green.  But you have nothing to do with the Hulk.  And sure, Skrulls are green, but seriously, when have you met a Skrull that didn’t try to kill you?  You could look like absolutely anything you wanted.  So.  Why.  Why are you green?”

Billy poked Teddy in his superbly muscled arm, which was currently not green.  Teddy look at him.  Billy narrowed his eyes at Teddy’s eyes.  ”Why?" he whispered, and Teddy could hear a faint crackling.  The air began to smell faintly of lightning.  Teddy began to edge away from the nuclear reactor that sometimes gave him blowjobs.

“GREEN," the sorcerer howled into the gale he was creating, "IS NOT A CREATIVE COLOR.”

At this, Teddy fled.

Chapter 2: Chair

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Billy and Teddy were eating lunch somewhere.  Maybe a park.  That sounds good.

"There are no chairs," Billy said sulkily, holding the picnic basket and looking around at the cold, hard grass.  He considered his own precious wizardly bottom sadly.

Teddy sighed and sat down on the ground, pulling Billy down with him, into his lap.

"I will be your chair," he said.

Notes:

I wonder if chairs will become a Thing for Teddy, like crowbars are for Jason Todd? If you don't understand, you are probably a happier soul than I.

Chapter 3: bear.exe

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Billy and Teddy were eating lunch at Billy’s house.  It must be Billy’s house, because it needed to be a place one could expect to find Billy without doing something drastic like calling ahead.  Billy’s parents were not there, and this is relevant because otherwise one might wonder about their opinions on the events of this story, their son’s weird friends, their son’s destructive lifestyle, politics, or the weather, and while these opinions would be relevant and interesting to Billy, they would not be relevant and interesting to everyone.  For instance, there were side characters expecting to find Billy at his house, and they did not care at all.  When they rang the doorbell, Billy’s mouth was full of potatoes or cheese or whatever teenage messianic figures eat when their parents are not around.

Teddy answered the door, quickly, in order to prove that what Billy ate when his parents were not around was not, in fact, him.  The door revealed America, covered in blood.  This was not unusual, whether we are thinking about the country or the person.  She (the person) was dragging something huge and furry.  This was unusual.  Behind the furry thing stood Kate.  The furry thing was stuck full of arrows.

“Bear,” said Teddy, accurately.  America thought this was unhelpful.  America thought most things most people do were unhelpful.

“How did you get a bear?” Teddy tried to ask, but it came out as a confused gasp as America pushed past him, dragging the bear through the door.  As it lay there, bleeding deadly on the carpet, he tried again. 

“Internet,” she grunted.

At this, Billy looked up with a face full of an understanding that only comes from a severe sense of guilt.  Granted, this was, again, not unusual.  He began to talk, very fast and without standard punctuation.

“Oh my god it was an experiment I just wanted to see if it could be done—with enough magic and a liiittle bit of computer science oh god—I’m so sorry—talk to David it's not all my fault—shit it actually worked—but why did you click it—there  was a warning—”

“ALL YOUR ‘WARNING’ SAID,” said Kate very loudly, “WAS ‘CAUTION, FILE CONTAINS LIVE BEAR’.”

“I didn’t think anyone would download—”

“I DIDN’T THINK ANYONE WOULD UPLOAD A BEAR.”

Notes:

Epilogue: The bear goes viral. The Young Avengers are forced, once again, to suit up to clean up Billy's mess. All copies of bear.exe are destroyed except for one, which Kate puts in a USB arrow "for emergencies."

I didn't think I would ever have reason to tag a fic "memes," and yet here we are.