Archive of Our Own ^beta

It hadn’t happened in so long Buck almost completely forgot it could. Sure deep down he remembered but it wasn’t something at the forefront of his brain these days. There was a time in his not so distant past when it was all he could think about, just another reminder of why he couldn’t be who he was meant to be. As of late it was simply another bad memory, growing smaller and smaller in the rear view of his life with every passing day.

It was a beautiful Thursday morning, the sun was warm but not unbearably. The type of day that would usually find Buck outside working out or washing his Jeep, but not today. Buck had woken up at five in the morning with intense cramping pain in his lower stomach, it had faded away rather quickly but the whole experience left him feeling unsettled and he couldn’t get back to sleep. Of course today also happened to be the day he and Eddie were both off and the older man had invited Buck to come over and help him amuse Christopher, which was a full time job in and of itself. Buck was beyond excited to be invited but as he drove over the cramping sensation came back again. It took a little longer to go away this time but it passed soon enough and Buck wasn’t too worried about it, figuring it was just gas or something he ate the night before not really agreeing with him. Unfortunately he confidence didn’t last, over the next hour the cramping steadily got worse and Buck found himself having to bite down on his lower lip in an attempt to keep from groaning every time a new wave of pain washed over him.

A few hours later found him sitting at the counter in Eddie’s kitchen while the other man prepared lunch. Eddie was talking about something but Buck wasn’t sure what exactly. It was taking all of his concentration to not hunch in on himself in pain. It wasn’t appendicitis, he knew that much for sure, the pain was too low and too centralized for that. Part of him was worried that it was another blood clot, but he wasn’t one hundred percent sure and he didn’t want to get Eddie and Chris worked up for no reason if it wasn’t. Another cramp clawed painfully at his insides and Buck had the sobering realization that he wasn’t going to be able to pretend that he was fine all day like he originally thought. As much as he wanted to spent time with Eddie and Christopher he was at his breaking point, between the cramps and the nausea that was starting to creep in Buck wasn’t sure what was going on, but he was sure that he didn’t want to vomit in front of the man he had a massive crush on.

Buck stood up abruptly, intending to head to the bathroom to come up with a plan of escape, and Eddie’s gaze snapped up from the stove to meet his own.

“You ok Buck? You’ve been real quiet today.”

He shrugged, “I’m fine, just tired you know? Doing nothing all day really takes it out of you.” For a moment Buck thought his tone had fallen just short of joking but Eddie snorted and turned back to the stove.

“I get it, sometimes these lazy days home with Christoper knock me out. I’m sure I’ll end up asleep on the couch later.”

Buck smiled in spite of the near constant discomfort in his stomach. “I’m sure he loves every minute of you being home, even if you do sleep through some of it.”

Eddie laughed again, and the sound almost made Buck reconsider leaving, almost but not quite.

“He does,” Eddie agreed. “But what he really loves is the fact that you’re here. He’s been talking about hanging out with ‘his Buck’ all week long.”

Buck laughed quietly and tried to shake the feeling of guilt that lanced through him at his best friend’s words. He shuffled quietly out of the kitchen and towards the bathroom, not bothering to tell Eddie where he was heading. He spent a lot of time in this house over the last year, it was almost like a second home. Unfortunately he hadn’t had many days off to just spend time with Christopher since he went back to work, and he missed the little guy a lot. If he wasn’t in so much pain he would never even consider leaving but he knew that if it didn’t stop soon he was going to have to go to the hospital, and if he was here for that it would only serve traumatize the poor kid more than he already was. Eight year olds didn’t need that kind of stress in their lives.

“Buck?” Eddie called after him, something in his tone cleared Buck’s pain addled senses and snapped him to attention. Eddie sounded worried almost, boarding on scared. “What’s that on the back of your pants?”

For a moment Buck’s whole body went numb, flashes of his past creeping back in before he could force them away, then he relaxed slightly. He didn’t have to worry about that now that he wasn’t her anymore. He swiped his hands across his butt and down the backs of his jeans.

“What are you talking abo—“

“Is that blood?” Eddie interrupted, his voice sounded uncharacteristically shrill as it echoed off the walls of the small house.

Buck looked down at his hands, and noticed that he had a faint sheen of what was indeed blood smeared across his palms.

He froze, heart pounding in his ears as he stared down at his hands in shock for a moment, before he did the most adult thing he could think of. He darted the rest of the way into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Eddie Diaz was no idiot. Which, in the situation he found himself in, was of little comfort. As soon as Buck had seen the blood on his hands he disappeared into the bathroom before Eddie could even take a step. Had Christopher not been home Eddie might have banged on the door until Buck eventually caved and let him in, however Christopher was home, and while Eddie had a pretty good idea what was going on with his best friend he highly doubted that the younger man would want an 8 year old witnessing the conversation that was to come.

Almost instinctually Eddie finished mixing Christopher’s Mac and cheese before getting his son settled in on the couch. Lost in the world of cartoons he doubted the boy would even notice his and Buck’s absence any time soon.

Eddie wanted nothing more than to sprint down the hall to the bathroom but he forced himself to walk at a normal pace and quietly knocked on the door. There was no reply so he jiggled the door handle, which was locked. No big surprise there. He would have locked himself in too had their situations been reversed.

“Buck please open the door,” He begged, not caring that he sounded incredibly desperate. “I just want to make sure you’re alright”

The only response he got was a quiet sniffling from within. The sound hit Eddie like a punch in the gut. Buck was crying, happy, go lucky Buck was locked in his bathroom crying and hiding from him, and there was nothing Eddie could do about it short of breaking the door down or taking it off its hinges. He slumped to the floor and leaned back against the door with a dejected huff.

“Buck please,” he begged, not even bothering to hide the worry in his voice. “I’m not going to make you talk about it, I just need to know you’re ok.” Silence.

Eddie’s mind was spinning. He had been best friends with Buck for over a year now and he had no idea that Buck had ever been anything other than male. Sure he found it a bit weird that the younger man never took his shirt off around other people, especially since his body seemed to be so well defined, not that Eddie was looking or anything, which he totally was but that’s beside the point, but he just figured that for all of Buck’s bravado he was actually insecure about the way he looked. Now Eddie realized, he probably had telltale scars on his chest from top surgery that he didn’t want anyone to see.

Eddie buried his face in his hands and groaned in frustration. How could he call himself a best friend when he managed to overlook something so important? A thought suddenly occurred to him and he knocked lightly on the door again.

“I’m not upset with you for not telling me.” He said quietly, pausing when he heard Christopher shuffling around in the other room. Once he was sure his son wasn’t coming to find them he spoke again. “This was your business Buck, you weren’t required to tell me something so personal. Hell, just because I know now doesn’t mean you need to tell me anything. If you don’t want to we never have to talk about this again. You know I won’t tell anyone.”

Eddie waited for a minute and when no response came he let his head fall back against the door with a painful whack. It was torture knowing his best friend, the man he loved, if Eddie was being honest with himself, was struggling and not being able to do anything to help.

Out of nowhere a thought hit him and he barely resisted the urge to smack himself for being so stupid. Buck was obviously on hormones and utterly unprepared for a surprise mensural cycle, but Eddie was prepared. In the short time he and Shannon had been fooling around Eddie wasn’t exactly the most observant person, too busy drowning in his own twisted feelings of guilt and betrayal, but he had a vague memory of Shannon stashing a box of tampons somewhere in the master bathroom.

Sure enough, after a bit a searching and a lot of cursing he located the pink cardboard box crammed into the far corner under his sink. It was a bit mashed but the contents appeared to still be intact. Unsure which size Buck would want Eddie just grabbed one of each, wincing slightly at the ‘girly’ pastel colors, and hurried back to the bathroom, stopping just long enough to find a clean pair of boxers for his friend. Under normal circumstances the idea of Buck wearing his underwear would be a huge turn on for Eddie but now wasn’t the time for that.

He didn’t say anything when he got back, simply opting to slide the tampons and clean boxers through the gap under the door without a word. He waited patiently for five minutes then impatiently for another ten before he heard shuffling from within the bathroom and finally the snick of the lock being released.

“You can come in.” Buck whispered, his voice so quiet that Eddie would have missed the invitation altogether had he not been intently listening for any minuscule sound from within.

That was all Eddie needed to hear. He wrenched the door open and actually sighed in relief when he finally laid eyes on Buck. His best friend was sitting on the floor in Eddie’s boxers with his back against the tub, eyes locked on the ground between his bent knees. As he moved closer Eddie noticed Buck’s jeans in the tub, carefully balled up so that no blood stains were immediately visible. Eddie’ s heart broke a bit more for him.

They sat shoulder to shoulder for the longest time not saying a word and Eddie was almost at his breaking point when Buck finally spoke up.

“Can I tell you something?” He asked quietly, still not looking up from the ground.

“You can tell me anything.” Eddie assured. Trying and failing to catch Buck’s eye in an act of silent reassurance.

“I’m trans.” Buck whispered so quietly Eddie literally had to strain to hear him.

Eddie smiled warmly at his best friend but Buck was still staring at the floor. “Evan look at me,” it took a moment but Buck complied, he looked so young and fragile that Eddie was struck with the urge to wrap the younger man up in his arms and never let go. “I’m so proud of you for telling me,” he said. Pouring as much sincerity and warmth into his voice as possible. I can’t imagine how scary it must be to come out, and I’m honored that you trust me enough to tell me.”

Buck gaped at him, mouth hanging open in shock, before his brain seemed to catch up and tears flooded his eyes.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course I’m not mad.” Eddie reached out and swiped away the tear that had escaped and now trickled down Buck’s pink cheek.

“But we’ve been best friends for over a year! I should have told you sooner.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to tell me everything. I love you Evan, and I would never want you to feel like you have to share something with me, or that I’ll be mad at you if you don’t.”

Buck tensed next to him, eyes going wide in shock.

Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest and he could feel the sting of tears gathering in his own eyes. He had tried so hard to separate his romantic feelings about Buck from his friendship but seeing the younger man so soft and nervous had caused Eddie to drop his guard. Now he might have ruined their friendship forever.

“Shit, Buck I’m sorry, I uh... I um—“

“Did you mean it?”

Eddie sucked in a breath, “What?”

“Did you mean it? When you said you loved me I mean.”

“Yeah Buck I meant it. I’ve had a... crush I guess you could call it, on you for a while now and somewhere along the way it just turned into love. I understand if you don’t feel the same way.”

“I love you too.” Buck said, and Eddie just about gave himself whiplash as his head snapped up to stare at Buck in disbelief.

“Don’t look so shocked.” Buck teased good-naturedly. “You’re a loyal friend, a great man, and a dedicated father. Once I really got to know you there was no way I wouldn’t love you.”

Eddie felt his cheeks heat up at the unexpected praise. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked.

“Why didn’t you?” They both laughed, but Buck’s face quickly became serious again. “I couldn’t tell you I loved you, not when you didn’t know about all of this.” He gestured vaguely at his body. “It wouldn’t be fair to you if I was hiding something this big.”

“Why did you hide it?” Eddie asked, “You don’t have to tell me,” he added hastily as Buck’s face contorted slightly at the question. “I’m just being nosey.”

“I’ll tell you sometime, just not today. Is that ok?”

“That’s perfect.” Eddie smiled and for the first time since the whole ordeal began Eddie could see Buck’s cloudy expression lightening some. Taking that as a good sign Eddie hoisted himself up off the floor and offered his hand to Buck, who accepted.

“Thank god,” the blond grumbled when they were back on their feet. “My ass was going numb.”

Eddie chuckled. “It’s your own fault for picking the bathroom as you hiding spot, there’s no comfortable seating in here.”

“I panicked ok?” Buck said defensively, but Eddie knew him well enough to hear the teasing undertone to his words.

Eddie was about to open the door when Buck winced and hunched over, both hands going instinctively to his lower belly.

“God I forgot how much this sucked,” he complained. “Cramps are the worst.”

“Hold on.” Eddie rummaged through the medicine cabinet above the sink for a moment before presenting a small pill bottle triumphantly to Buck.

“Why do you have Midol?” Buck turned the small container over in his hands, the pills inside rattled loudly against the plastic and they tumbled.

“Shannon.” It was all the explanation necessary for Buck who nodded.

“I was wondering where the tampons came from. Most guys don’t just have a stash in their bathroom.”

Buck’s blue eyes stared into Eddie’s, and for a moment the older man wondered what he saw there.

“There’s more in my bathroom by the way,” he said, breaking the awkward silence that had shrouded them. “You know where it is, take whatever you need. Oh! Also,” he trailed off as a thought occurred to him. He reached under the sink and produced the heating pad he used to help ease the aches and pains of a long day at work. “This should help until those kick in.” he nodded at the bottle in Buck’s hand. “Take those and go lay down on the couch. I’m sure Chris will be happy to snuggle with you while I get a load of laundry started.”

Without thinking he grabbed Buck’s balled up jeans and turned for the door. Only stopping when he registered the look of shock on Buck’s face.

“You’re really ok with this aren’t you?” Buck sounded awed, and part of Eddie preened at making Buck happy, while the other part cringed wondering what poor treatment Buck had experienced before to expect it so readily.

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re still the man I love.”

“What about when we want to have sex?”

Eddie shrugged, “I’m not ready for that quite yet, are you?” When Buck shook his head he continued. “I mean we will definitely have to have an honest conversation or two about it, but for now let’s not worry. You don’t feel good and I have a perfectly good couch and an eight year old snuggle buddy at your service.”

Buck’s eyes teared up again and he swiped at them with an embarrassed chuckle.

“Can I kiss you?” Eddie asked completely overcome by the amazing man in front of him.

Buck flushed bright red, he looked hopeful but then he shook his head. Eddie’s stomach dropped. He didn’t understand, if Buck loved him why didn’t he want to kiss him?

“It’s not you Eddie,” Buck said quickly, obviously seeing the look of distress on Eddie’s face. “I just... I don’t really feel like myself right now you know, and I want to feel like me the first time we kiss.”

Eddie smiled warmly, relief washing over him so strongly it made him lightheaded. “I get it Evan, I’m in no rush, whenever you’re ready.” He reached out and touched Buck’s face gently before pulling away. “Go lie down, I’ll be back in a second.”

He left Buck standing in the bathroom and headed down to the basement to start cleaning the stained jeans and boxers. Idly he wondered if this had been anyone but Buck would his feelings have remained the same. He wasn’t transphobic by any means but it wasn’t something he had a lot of experience with, and he didn’t find the idea of a trans partner particularly appealing in the past, but as with many things that involved Buck, this too was different. He was desperately nervous over the whole situation but he was comforted to know that Buck wouldn’t get upset with him asking clarifying questions about his identity.

Eddie took his time returning to the living room, and was somewhat surprised to find Buck and Christoper locked in an awkward silence when he entered. Buck was sitting uncomfortably straight on the couch, heat pad pressed against his stomach, and Chris was staring at him in a way that Eddie knew meant he was about to ask every question under the sun.

“Ev,” Eddie said quietly, once the younger man was looking at him he pulled his phone out and shot him a text.

Do you want me to tell him? He’s going to ask you a million questions about the heat pad, I can lie if you want.

Buck’s eyes widened in panic as he read the message and his gaze darted from Chris to Eddie then back again before he schooled his features into a neutral mask and nodded.

“Hey buddy,” Eddie kneeled down in front of his son and put his hand on one of Chris’s knees. “Buck and I have something we want to talk to you about.”

“Is Bucky ok?” Chris asked, looking over at the blonde curiously.

“Yeah buddy he’s fine, that’s actually what we want to talk to you about. This might be kind of confusing so if you have any questions you can ask Buck or I and we’ll answer them for you.”

Chris nodded jerkily so Eddie continued.

“Remember how I told you that boys and girls have different private parts?”

Chris nodded again, turning to Buck with a smile. “Daddy told me big kid stuff because a girl at my old school took all her clothes off at recess and ran around the playground, but he said we aren’t suppose to talk about other people’s private parts because it’s not nice.”

Though he was obviously nervous Buck’s lips twitched in amusement and he shot Eddie a look that meant he would be asking for the full story as soon as they were alone. “You’re dads right bud, it’s not nice to ask about other people’s, uh, business.”

Eddie almost laughed but the seriousness of the situation sobered him up before he could. Buck was counting on him to explain things the right way and he couldn’t let him down, not over something so important.

“Well,” he said squeezing Chris’s knee to draw his son’s attention back to him. “When Buck was a little kid he realized that while his mind said he was a boy, his body said he was a girl, so he had curl parts instead of boy parts.

“But he’s a boy now right?” Chris asked, face scrunched up in confusion.

Eddie opened his mouth to elaborate but Buck cut him off.

“Not exactly buddy, not physically anyway. I um... I still have girl private parts, but I had surgery a few years ago on my chest to make me look like a boy and I take medicine to help make me look like a boy too.”

“Why don’t you have boy private parts?”

Buck blushed “Honestly Chris it’s because I’d have to get surgery again and that costs a whole lot of money, plus I’d have to be out of work for a while.”

Christopher nodded eyes glazed over, obviously deep in thought. Eddie saw his chance to jump in and he took it.

“Does this all make sense?”

Chris nodded “I think so. Buck is a boy but he was a girl first and he has girl parts but he’s always been a boy in his mind?”

Eddie blinked, surprised. “Yeah, actually.”

“There’s a girl in my class like you.” Chris told Buck, reaching out to pat him on the knee. “Last year she was a boy but this year she’s a girl and her new name is Ali. Her mom and dad came in and explained it to us. She was worried we wouldn’t like her as a girl but she’s the same as she was last year. She just has longer hair now and wears girls clothes.”

Eddie found himself suddenly blinking back tears, a quick glance over at Buck told him he hadn’t fared much better.

“So Chris, because Bucky has girl parts still he doesn’t feel very well today. His stomach hurts a lot so it’s going to be our job to take care of him and snuggle him until he feels better. Do you think you can do that?”

Christopher’s whole face lit up “Yes! We can watch movies and I can show you all my LEGO’s!” He told Buck animatedly.

Eddie gripped Buck’s knee affectionately before standing up and groaning at the tightness in his muscles. Apparently he was getting too old to kneel on the floor for extended periods of time. As he wandered into the kitchen in search of some food for Buck he heard Chris quietly talking to Buck.

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling good Bucky.” Buck’s reply was muffled and a few minutes of silence followed before Chris’s voice came again. “No! Daddy said I’m supposed to take care of you.”

Curiously Eddie peaked around the corner and was met with the cutest sight he had ever seen. Buck was lying stretched out on the couch and Christopher was gently tugging a blanket over him. Chris stumbled a little without his crutches and Buck’s hand shot out to steady him.

Having satisfied his curiosity, and his need for photographic evidence, Eddie once again set to the task of finding Buck a snack. He was out of most things but there was a lone Apple sitting on the counter and a half finished red Gatorade all the way in the back of the fridge that had been his the last time that he worked out at home. Both would be good enough, he figured Buck wouldn’t mind drinking out of the same bottle. They could order something for dinner after Buck rested a bit.

He brought the food to his... boyfriend, they would have to talk about labels sooner or later, who propped himself up to give Eddie room to sit, before relaxing back against him with a sigh.

“How do you feel Evan?” He asked, rubbing gentle circles on Buck’s stomach over top of the blanket, with every pass his fingertips would graze the top of the heat pad and Eddie could feel the warmth of it radiating out from where Buck had obviously tucked it into the waistband of his borrowed boxers.

Buck smiled up at him sleepily. “Feeling better now. I’m glad you found out, It was killing me to keep it a secret.”

“I’m glad you told me.” Eddie said honestly. He noticed that Buck was struggling to keep his eyes open so Eddie took pity on him.

“Sleep babe, when you wake up you can eat something and we can spend some quality time with Chris.”

Buck nodded, eyes already slipping closed. Eddie let his hand rest motionless on Buck’s chest feeling it rise and fall, with each breath it became slower and more even until Eddie was sure he was asleep.

Chris was in front of the tv, watching some paranormal show Eddie knew he probably shouldn’t be letting an eight year old watch, but it was almost Halloween so he figured ‘why not’. Warmth flooded through him and for the first time since Shannon left years ago he felt truly content. There would be some tough conversations ahead but as long as he had both of his boys by his side Eddie knew everything would be alright.