Chapter Text
Of all the problems Zuko had anticipated about being Fire Lord, this was not one of them.
“You’re dating the Earth King?!” Toph all but shrieks, and everyone goes silent. Someone drops a glass.
Zuko buries his face in his hands.
“No,” he says. “No, Toph. No.”
“But you said—!”
“We’re going outside,” Zuko declares, planting both hands on her shoulders and steering her out to the gardens. The second they’re alone, Toph tears off his hands and whirls around.
“What the hell, Sparky?” she demands. “You’re dating Kuei?”
“I am not dating Kuei,” Zuko says, with a lot more patience than Toph deserves right now. “All I said was that I was going out to the theatre with him the next time I visited Ba Sing Se.”
“Do you even know what ‘dating’ means? Also, Kuei’s, like, ten years older than you. Didn’t think you were the type to go for older men, Sparky, but whatever floats your—”
“I meant we were going out as in out! Like friends! Kuei’s the only person I know who likes the same plays I do! How did you even get the idea that I meant dating?”
Toph makes a sound that reminds him that she spent a good deal of her childhood with badgermoles. “Because that’s what we were talking about, remember?! We were complaining about how that snotty old minister keeps trying to marry you off—”
“Yeah, but then I said it wasn’t gonna happen and the dating conversation was over—”
“But you said you were going out with Kuei right after!” Toph throws her hands in the air, smacking Zuko in the face as she does so. It may or may not be deliberate. Zuko’s betting on the former. “Easy conclusion, Zuko!”
Zuko groans. “Okay. Okay, fine, maybe it was reasonable. But why did you scream it? In a room full of nobles? Now everyone thinks I’m dating Kuei!"
“He’s not that bad,” Toph snorts. “Wimpy, sure, but at least he's not horrible.”
“His best friend is a bear, Toph.”
“...Fair point.”
Dear Earth King Kuei,
I am writing to inform you of a rumour that’s been making its rounds around my palace. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, much of the population seems to be under the impression that we are romantically involved…
Sokka arrives two weeks after what Zuko is now calling the Toph Incident. The first thing he does is kick down the door and yell, “YOU’RE DATING KUEI?!”
Zuko squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his temples. He can feel a migraine coming on.
(Toph won't stop cackling.)
Dear Fire Lord Zuko,
This is unfortunate indeed. How do you propose we deal with this?
My advisors inform me that a public statement would be out of the question, as it implies that we listen in on palace gossip...
“...Majesty?”
“Yes?” Zuko doesn’t have the energy for this, but Minister Lun is one of the more tolerable ones.
“In light of, ah, recent events…” Lun glances around the table at the other ministers. They all give him a subtle nod, urging him on. “We were wondering if, perhaps, we should begin considering the ramifications of a marriage between two nations?”
Zuko slams his hands down on the table, making all the ministers jump.
“For the last time," he hisses through gritted teeth, “I am not dating the Earth King!”
“Whatever you wish to call it, sir,” Minister Rinzuk says genially, and Zuko resists the urge to scream into his sleeve.
Dear Earth King Kuei,
The easiest way out would be for one of us to acquire a significant other. Seeing as neither of us have a significant other, nor are we in the market for one, this could prove difficult.
Perhaps the rumour will die on its own, but until then…
“What’s this I hear about you and the Earth King?”
Zuko chokes. Across the table, Uncle sips his tea calmly.
“I’m not—we’re not—”
Uncle raises a brow.
“We’re not!”
“If you say so,” Uncle says, raising his cup to his lips. Zuko glowers at him. He loves his uncle dearly, cherishes it when he leaves the tea shop to visit Zuko, but…
Sometimes? Uncle sucks.
“Congratulations, your majesty,” Atsuko says graciously as she clears his plates. Zuko freezes.
“Congratulations on what?” he asks slowly. Please, Agni, don’t let it be what I think it is.
“On your relationship, of course,” Atsuko says breezily. “I’m sure you and Earth King Kuei will be very happy indeed.”
The door swings shut behind her. Zuko lets his head hit the desk.
He stays like that for a long, long time.
Dear Fire Lord Zuko,
Your assumptions were correct. The rumour has made its way to Ba Sing Se.
I assume this means our plans for the theatre should be cancelled until further notice…
“How’s your boyfriend?” Toph asks smugly, and Zuko (very heroically) refrains from punching her in the face. Sokka snickers.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” he replies frostily, throwing another handful of breadcrumbs to the turtleducks.
Toph grins like the horrible little chaos monster she is. “Ah, come on. You know who it is. The love of your life? Your forbidden romance? Your other, kookier half?”
Zuko turns up his nose. He is suddenly very, very aware of the guards stationed around them who are no doubt listening in. “No idea,” he says haughtily.
Toph groans. “You’re no fun. How’s Kuei?”
“My friend, Kuei, is doing quite well,” Zuko says calmly. “We’ve been in correspondence.”
He realises his mistake a second too late. Toph pounces like a pygmy-puma on a mouse.
“Secret love letters, hm? Very romantic.” She leans in close, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Sokka sidles up on Zuko’s other side, effectively trapping him.
“Didn’t know you had a romantic bone in you, lover boy,” he teases, poking Zuko in the ribs. “But Toph’s right. Secret letters? Kuei must be swooning.”
Toph puts on a high reedy voice that doesn’t sound like Kuei at all. “Oh, Zuko my love! Your letters fill me with longing and lus—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Zuko interrupts, because even the thought of Fake-Kuei feeling the L-word makes him nauseous. "Also, you're twelve. You should not be making jokes about this."
"I'm me," Toph counters, which is admittedly a very good argument.
“Besides, she was just getting to the good part!” Sokka chimes in. “And you’ll feel better after you hear all about how much your boyfriend loves you. It must be hard, competing with Bosco the bear.”
“You’re both dead to me,” Zuko intones flatly. This does absolutely nothing to discourage them.
Dear Earth King Kuei,
It has come to my attention that our correspondence through these letters is being viewed as, well, romantic. Perhaps it would be best if we stopped.
Your friend and ally,
Fire Lord Zuko
(Yes, Hawkmaster Shin, the Fire Lord is well aware you’re snooping on his letters.
It’s really Zuko’s fault, though. Important political letters are sealed with wax. These ones are just tied with ribbon. And Shin is a curious man; he’s itching to know if the rumours are true.)
The next function is horrible. Noblemen and women are congratulating him left and right on his relationship, and Zuko has to gently correct them every time.
And, every time, they smile and pat him on the arm. “Oh, I understand completely,” they gush. “It’s hard to put a label on these things.” More than once, some dusty old minister shakes his head, smiling benevolently, and sighs, “Ah, the struggles of young love.”
Zuko kind of, maybe, sort of wants to die.
(Sokka and Toph are no help at all.)
After hearing Zuko vehemently deny dating Kuei for several weeks, the rumour finally begins to die out. The nobles stop whispering. His ministers stop asking badly-disguised questions about whether or not they should be considering the union of the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation. Sokka stops bursting into hysterical laughter every time he catches sight of Zuko.
Toph, on the other hand, does not.
Dear Fire Lord Zuko,
Now that the coast is clear, so to speak, should we revisit our plans to the theatre?
On another note, I have been informed of a disturbance in a formerly Fire-Nation-occupied town. It appears that some Fire Nation citizens have been legally registered as Earth Kingdom for several years, and are now at risk of being chased out of town. Thoughts?
Your friend and ally, who has missed his theatre companion very much,
Earth King Kuei
Dear Earth King Kuei,
Rest assured I will look into the disturbance. If I require your input, I will contact you.
What play should we see this time?
Your friend and ally, who will likely be in Ba Sing Se within the month,
Fire Lord Zuko