Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jiang Mingyu did not expect his evening to end up with him clutching his broken ribs, gasping around the blood flooding his chest. He heaved himself off the forest floor, blood staining his robes and teeth. His hand shot out to grab his sword which had been thrown aside when the tendrils of resentful energy hurled him between the trees.

He pulled himself up, choking around a cough. His hands trembled around his sword as he raised his arms and charged the resentful spirit once again. 

He was the head disciple of Yunmeng Jiang. He had grown up under the teachings of Sandu Shengshou. He would not leave this life lying on the ground. 

No.

That was not how Yunmeng Jiang operated. That was not what Sect Leader Jiang had instilled in him during the long, brutal hours of training. 

No. He would fight. He would fight until the very end. His sword would sing a ballad during his last moments. It would not be silent on the ground, while his lungs rattled on.

No. His sword would be as loud as the gasps barreling through his bloody teeth.

Jiang Mingyu was the head disciple of Yunmeng Jiang. He yelled out to his fellow disciples to fall behind him. He had a duty not only to his Sect Leader, but to his juniors, to this village. 

“Send up a flare for Sect Leader Jiang!”

When Sect Leader Jiang had pulled him aside earlier that evening to send him off for the scouting mission, Jiang Mingyu was perplexed. 

A village had sent in reports of children going missing during the night, only for the kids to turn up in the morning perfectly fine, wandering the village square.

“With all due respect Sect Leader, it seems that the village kids are just sneaking out to have some fun.”

Sect Leader Jiang looked up from the reports, raising an eyebrow for Jiang Mingyu to continue.

“This disciple simply doesn’t understand why Sect Leader is sending so many disciples to scout the area, when it appears to be childish antics.”

Sect Leader Jiang held his gaze in silence. Jiang Mingyu was starting to feel nervous. He had read the same reports as Sect Leader Jiang, nothing had stood out, he was frankly surprised that the Sect Leader had such a strong and immediate response. 

Jiang Mingyu grabbed the reports once again and settled down on the opposite side of the desk. After reading through them two more times, he finally looked up to Sect Leader Jiang’s calm gaze with confusion. 

Sect Leader Jiang took the reports from him and pulled out a calligraphy brush. He began to look over the reports, underlining certain sections. Once he was done, he looked back at Jiang Mingyu and began to point out the sections he had underlined.

“Head Disciple Jiang, every child sat down with their family and said goodbye before they disappeared.”

Jiang Mingyu was still lost. He only cocked his head with confusion in response.

“Children, who are only going to bed and would be seeing their family tomorrow morning are saying goodbye.”

Jiang Mingyu still couldn’t follow and just wanted to understand what he was missing.

Sect Leader Jiang sighed and Jiang Mingyu watched as something heavy fell under his Sect Leader’s eyes.

“Why aren’t they saying good night, Head Disciple Jiang? Why are these children so adamant about saying goodbye to their families before going to bed?”

Sect Leader Jiang shuffled the reports and pointed out another section he had underlined. 

“The children didn’t ask why they were in the village square when they were found, Head Disciple Jiang. The children asked why they were awake.”

Jiang Mingyu’s eyes widened with his Sect Leader’s implication. 

“You think—” Jiang Mingyu trailed off, his tongue choking on the words.

Jiang Mingyu saw his Sect Leader’s eyes become even darker and heard the softness in his Sect Leader’s voice as he continued.

“I don’t know if it’s something where cultivation needs to be involved, however, what’s concerning is the sheer amount of reports, from the same village, in such a short period of time.”

Jiang Mingyu could only watch as Sect Leader Jiang’s eyes just became heavier and Jiang Mingyu didn’t even know where the weight was coming from.

“The reason why I want to send so many disciples is because even if it’s not cultivation-related, these kids might just need someone to talk to. Different people connect to different people. One kid might talk to you, but another might not even look you in the eye.

Jiang Mingyu feels his stomach climbing up his throat. He wants to throw up. The despair he missed in the reports is choking him.  He doesn’t know how those reports seemed so frivolous before. 

How could he have missed it? 

Jiang Mingyu stands up, straightens his robes, and puts his hands out front and bows to his Sect Leader.

“This disciple will depart right away. This disciple will send an update as soon as possible.”

Sect Leader Jiang responds with a brisk nod, and motions for Jiang Mingyu to leave. 

“Goodbye, Head Disciple Jiang.”

As he packed, Jiang Mingyu wondered if the heaviness in his Sect Leader’s eyes would fade before Jiang Mingyu made his departure. 

It didn’t. 

Jiang Mingyu charged with his sword, the blade dancing across the resentful spirit as Jiang Mingyu’s chest ached, his arm throbbed. He yells for his juniors to continue subduing the spirit. To hold their ground. 

He will stand until he is no longer breathing. His vision starts to blur, and his clarity bell begins to chime relentlessly. The world is slowly starting to fade, when he catches purple lightning in the corner of his eyes.

Sect Leader Jiang soars into the forest with a vengeance. Zidian crackles in his hands and the whip reaches out to bind the resentful spirit.

Jiang Mingyu musters the strength for one last dash with his sword and sends his sword straight through the spirit’s chest. 

The spirit wailed and thrashed but Jiang Mingyu’s stance held true. The resentful-energy tendrils began to crawl back towards the spirit and the screams became louder. But Zidian only wrapped around the spirit tighter and Jiang Mingyu’s sword only went deeper. 

The silence afterwards came just as quickly as the screams as the spirit began to fade away around Jiang Mingyu’s sword. 

When it was finally over, Jiang Mingyu felt a hand on his shoulder and saw his Sect Leader motion to the healers he had brought with him.

Jiang Mingyu slumped against the hand and next thing he knew, Sect Leader Jiang had wrapped his arms around him and was carrying him to the healers. 

“The resentful spirit was luring kids out to the forest. “

Sect Leader Jiang’s steps faltered for a moment but continued on.

“It would pick its victims before the sun set and as the night fell, its control grew and lured them out of their houses.”

Sect Leader Jiang’s grip tightened on Jiang Mingyu in a motion that Jiang Mingyu knew meant that this conversation could wait until later, but Jiang Mingyu didn’t want to.

“The spirit wasn’t powerful enough to do anything else but lure the kids and whisper in their ears. It told them to say goodbye and that it was time for a nap. When the sun rose, the spirit couldn’t keep control and had to let the kids go. It was biding it’s time, growing stronger every night and pulled the children further and further in. Tonight was the first night it was strong enough to actually cause damage. This disciple doesn’t know what—“

They reached the healer and Sect Leader Jiang placed Jiang Mingyu on the ground with a gruff voice.

“What matters is that the spirit is gone, and can’t hurt this village anymore. I don’t expect anything else from you Head Disciple Jiang. Rest. Let the healers do their job.”

Sect Leader Jiang turned away, but Jiang Mingyu grabbed onto that purple sleeve. 

“Sect Leader, it wasn’t that-“ Jiang Mingyu rasped desperately. 

“The kids— they were fine. We talked to them and none of them were planning— none of them were planning to do that. They were— they were just repeating what the spirit told them.”

Sect Leader Jiang gently grabbed the hand on his robes and placed it beside Jiang Mingyu.

“That’s— good. That’s really good.” His Sect Leader whispered.  

Jiang Mingyu watched Sect Leader Jiang walk away and check on the other disciples and finally let exhaustion sweep him into sleep. But an uneasiness began to settle into Jiang Mingyu’s chest. Its suffocation was greater than his broken ribs, greater than his bloody mouth, greater than his pulsing wounds. 

The heaviness in Sect Leader’s eyes never went away. 

Sect Leader never says goodnight.

Sect Leader always says goodbye. 

Chapter Text

Wei Wuxian misses Lotus Pier. He misses the liveliness around the docks. He misses the boats drifting about. He misses weaving between the market stalls. He misses the lotus flowers. He misses picking their seeds.

Wei Wuxian isn’t unhappy by any means. But he would be lying if he said that the life he’s living now is the one that he imagined for himself.

Wei Wuxian loves Lan Zhan. He loves coming home to him. He loves their Jingshi. He loves knowing that as long as he has Lan Zhan, he can face anything. He loves how Lan Zhan looks at him like he’s the entire world. Wei Wuxian loves knowing that he can step into those arms at any time and the rest of the world will just fade away.

The warmth of a golden core could never rival the warmth Wei Wuxian feels whenever he looks into Lan Zhan’s golden eyes.

He misses his old body sometimes. He misses the strength it had. He misses his golden core.

Wei Wuxian doesn’t believe that he deserves his happy ending, but he will hold on to it for as long as he can.

But —

Wei Wuxian still misses his old home.  He misses Jiang-shishu . He misses sitting at the edge of the docks as Jiang-shishu would ask him about his day. He misses the laughter that would erupt out of Jiang-shishu when Wei Wuxian would vividly recount his day, complete with wild hand motions and a cheeky smile.

Wei Wuxian misses his shijie. He misses her pork rib lotus soup. He misses her gentle smile and loving hands. He misses how she would brush her hands through his hair and tell him, everything is going to be alright.

Wei Wuxian misses Jiang Cheng. He misses their banter. He misses their competitions. He misses running through the fields, shooting down kites. He misses his brother. He misses having a partner-in-crime. He misses his didi.

Except —

Jiang Cheng is still here. Lotus Pier is still here. Everyone else is gone and Wei Wuxian knew better than to hang on to the dead. The only thing that would accomplish is being dragged down with them. It had happened before.

Jiang Cheng is still here, but Wei Wuxian still misses him.

He doesn’t know if that’s worse.

If Wei Wuxian were to put a label on the relationship between Jiang Cheng and himself, that label would be civil.

With Jin Ling and the Lan Juniors becoming closer each day, taking more and more night hunts, they have been crossing paths more often than not.

Wei Wuxian flits across the field as the juniors go about collecting their arrows and talismans left over from the night hunt.

“Jiang Cheng!”

Wei Wuxian slings an arm around Jiang Cheng’s shoulders and hangs on while Jiang Cheng attempts to side-step out of it.

“Who do you think you are, latching on to me like this?” Jiang Cheng grumbled.

Wei Wuxian takes a chance and with a cheeky smile shoots back.

“Why, your shixiong Jiang Cheng! Did my face change that much since we last met?”

Wei Wuxian knew he went too far before he even felt Jiang Cheng tense up underneath his arm. He knew he caused those walls to come right back up when Jiang Cheng’s expression shutters and he finally gets out from under Wei Wuxian’s arm.

The silence cuts like a knife.

Because—

Because before—

Before, Jiang Cheng would have shoved his face away and come right back at him with a biting remark. He would have tackled Wei Wuxian to the floor. He would have wrestled with him in the mud and afterwards, Jiang Cheng would have helped him up and they would have been laughing about it like they had just run through the markets when they were kids.

But now—

Now, all Jiang Cheng gives him is the shuttering of his eyes. And Wei Wuxian is scrambling to try and breach the gap again.

Except, that it’s Jiang Cheng who reaches out again. It’s always been Jiang Cheng who reaches out.

“Why haven’t you done your bows with Hanguang-jun  at  Lotus Pier yet? How long do you think you can disrespect A-Die  and A-Niang?”

Wei Wuxian can only gape at Jiang Cheng.

“I didn’t—I didn’t know if I would be welcome.”

And Jiang Cheng’s eyes only dim. When did they get this dim?

“ The only thing I have ever asked of you Wei Wuxian is to just come home.”

When Wei Wuxian first arrived at Lotus Pier all those years ago, the first thing he remembered was hiding behind Jiang-shishu when the dogs came running down the docks. He remembers screaming and the next thing he knows, he is being lifted up into Jiang-shishu’s arms.

“Jiang Cheng, we have a new member of our family. You should be better about handling your dogs.”

Wei Wuxian tries to peek out from Jiang-shishu’s robes but the dogs jump up towards him and the only thing he can do is hide his face in Jiang-shishu’s chest.

He never got a look at the other boy on the pier. He only remembers being carried to his new room and the next morning the dogs were gone.

When Jiang Cheng runs after Wei Wuxian and drags him from that tree and promises to protect him from all the dogs, all Wei Wuxian can feel is relief. When Jiang Cheng calls him shixiong for the first time, Wei Wuxian feels like he has a family. When they become sworn brothers and form the Yunmeng Twin Prides, Wei Wuxian feels like he has a place in the world.

But nothing can describe the feeling when Jiang Cheng showed Wei Wuxian his calligraphy.

It was something that Jiang Cheng tried to keep hidden. Whenever someone walked into the room, pages would be slammed shut. If someone tried to look over his shoulder, Jiang Cheng would get up and walk away.

When Wei Wuxian first saw Jiang Cheng’s work, he couldn’t believe it.

“Never—nevermind! Forget you saw anything! It’s just a hobby!” Jiang Cheng backtracked.

But Wei Wuxian was quicker and wrapped his didi up in a hug.

“ Didi it’s beautiful! You could be considered a grandmaster with this work!”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t stop looking at the pieces. The ink flowed from the page in intricate patterns with the crisp lettering leaping across the page. Wei Wuxian got lost in them. There were so many that this had to be accumulating for years.

And Wei Wuxian knew.

Wei Wuxian knew that Jiang Cheng had showed one of the most beautiful parts of himself to Wei Wuxian. One of the parts that Jiang Cheng tried to bury with his thorns. This was something that was just for Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian would protect that with everything he had.

Except—

Except. Wei Wuxian left.

When Wei Wuxian lands at Lotus Pier with Lan Zhan right next to him, he doesn’t know what to feel.

At the other end of the dock stands Jiang Cheng.

Why is he by himself? Why has he always been by himself?

Jiang Cheng gives them both a brief nod and turns his back on them, leading them to the Ancestral Hall.

Wei Wuxian grabs Lan Zhan’s hands and gives him a megawatt smile.

“Let’s go Lan Zhan! We’ve kept them waiting long enough.”

Lan Zhan looks into Wei Wuxian’s eyes and graces him with one his small smiles. 

“Mn”

Wei Wuxian isn’t stupid. He knows that Lan Zhan is not the biggest fan of Jiang Cheng. But Lan Zhan tries to hold back his distaste for Jiang Cheng for Wei Wuxian and that’s all he can ask.

He still hasn’t come up with the right words to tell Lan Zhan about Jiang Cheng. Not everything. Wei Wuxian still mourns the promise he broke with Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian hates that despite all of his good intentions, he was still just somebody who left Jiang Cheng behind. Like everyone else. He doesn’t know how to bare that part of himself to Lan Zhan just yet.

But he wants to.

The bows are a quiet affair. Lan Zhan lets Wei Wuxian light the incense and offer his prayers in silence. Wei Wuxian loves that Lan Zhan knows that this—this was just for him.

Jiang Cheng also gave them their privacy, leaving the hall once Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan had sat down. Wei Wuxian looks at the plates that bear his family’s names and closes his eyes.

I hope that you can be happy for me. Because I’m happy. I never thought I would get this chance. I never wished for this second life, but I will cherish and hold on to it for as long as I can. I’m sorry for everything. And thank you for everything.

Wei Wuxian opens his eyes and motions for Lan Zhan to get up with him when he catches a new plate out of the corner of his eye.

It’s placed with the Jiang family plates, but it hangs near the edge. If Wei Wuxian hadn’t seen the lotus inscribed on it, he would have thought that it was placed here by mistake. The newness of it isn’t the only thing that caught Wei Wuxian’s eyes.

It was blank.

Has the inscription not been done yet? Who is it for?

Wei Wuxian pays more attention to the placement of the plate.

It’s placed where the son would be.

Something in Wei Wuxian grows cold. He hasn’t felt like this since his golden core was torn from his body over three excruciating days. He needs—

He needs to find Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian gets up with Lan Zhan and leads him to the room Jiang Cheng has prepared for them.

“Lan Zhan I’m going to find Jiang Cheng. I want to talk to him before we leave.”

Lan Zhan looks at Wei Wuxian with poorly disguised concern. And it breaks Wei Wuxian’s heart because he knows that Lan Zhan is only worried that he’ll get hurt. Wei Wuxian knows that whenever Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng talk, it always ends up with the two of them bleeding from the knives they threw at each other.

But Wei Wuxian wants to scream. He wants to say It’s not like that! Jiang Cheng isn’t like that! It’s not all on him!

But he doesn’t.

Instead he pops up on his toes and gives Lan Zhan a quick kiss with a sly smile.

“I’ll be back before you know it. Don’t miss me too much.”

Wei Wuxian winks and heads out the door.

When they were younger, in order to have any sort of emotional conversation with each other, Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian needed at least three bottles of alcohol before they even approached the topic.

One of those nights, Wei Wuxian was sprawled across the floor while Jiang Cheng sat at the table, playing with the empty wine bottles.

“How does it feel like to be hugged by A-Die?”

Wei Wuxian wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear that. Jiang Cheng had murmured it into one of the empty wine bottles and didn’t even look up at Wei Wuxian for an answer.

“It feels nice.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t know why he answered. But the moment he did, he knew he should have just ignored the question.

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and Wei Wuxian wondered why he was noticing the dark circles under Jiang Cheng’s eyes more than usual .

“ I don’t think I’ll ever know the feeling.”

Wei Wuxian always has so many words but he doesn’t know how to reply to that.

The next morning, Jiang Cheng acts like it never happened and Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to bring it up.

It would have only caused more hurt, right?

Wei Wuxian finds Jiang Cheng sitting at the end of the pier, with his feet dangling in the water.

Wei Wuxian feels like he can breathe again.

He’s probably overreacting right? Jiang Cheng is fine. He looks fine. He would say something if anything was wrong, right?

Jiang Cheng hears his footsteps and turns back to look at him. He gestures next to him for Wei Wuxian to take a seat.

Wei Wuxian does, watching the ripples race across the pond when his feet touch the water.

“I have something to return to you”

Wei Wuxian whips his head towards Jiang Cheng. He doesn’t know what it could be. The only thing racing across his mind is—

His golden core. Wait no. It’s Jiang Cheng’s golden core now. It’s been Jiang Cheng’s for over a decade now. It’s more Jiang Cheng’s than his at this point.

Wei Wuxian has brushed up against Jiang Cheng’s golden core during the night hunts with the juniors. It’s grown so much since Wei Wuxian gave it to Jiang Cheng.

He doesn’t think he could have cultivated it to the level Jiang Cheng has, even if he never gave away his core.

Oblivious to Wei Wuxian’s panic, Jiang Cheng pulls out a clarity bell and places it in Wei Wuxian’s unsuspecting hands.

Wei Wuxian freezes, and then starts to turn the bell around in his hands, tracing the inscriptions. Tears have started to form around his eyes and he’s not sure if he can keep them from falling. He stares at Jiang Cheng.

“You are always welcome home Wei Wuxian.”

The tears start falling and Wei Wuxian doesn’t make any motion to try and stop them.

“ I didn’t ask for your Golden Core. I never would have. All I wanted was my family. I hate that you did this to me without even bothering to ask me.”

Wei Wuxian’s vision is blurring from all the tears. He keeps his gaze on the clarity bell. His voice croaks.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what else to say.

“Gege I missed you.”

That has Wei Wuxian whipping his head to face Jiang Cheng, only to see matching tear tracks down his face as well.

Jiang Cheng lifts himself off from the pier and stands up. Jiang Cheng holds out a hand to help Wei Wuxian up. It’s always been Jiang Cheng reaching out.

Wei Wuxian grabs it and hauls himself up, smiling so brightly even though his face is an absolute mess.

“ I missed you too didi.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t ask about the plate.

It’s probably nothing. Jiang Cheng would tell me if anything was wrong. We’re moving forward, he gave me a clarity bell. It’s fine. He’s fine. It would be worse to ask, right?

They walk down the pier together and when they part ways for their respective rooms, Wei Wuxian realizes something.

He had been dead for over a decade. No one could even find his soul. But Jiang Cheng still never got a dog.

Wei Wuxian walks into his room, gets ready for bed, and climbs in to snuggle right up next to Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan sees Wei Wuxian’s tear-streaked face and immediately moves to get up. Wei Wuxian knows what he’s going to ask, so before he does, Wei Wuxian shakes his head and smiles.

“Lan Zhan don’t worry. These are happy tears.”

The next morning, Jiang Cheng is standing at the edge of the docks to see them off.

Wei Wuxian has his clarity bell swinging from his belt with pride, a smile on his face that would take the world ending to take away. He’s holding Lan Zhan’s hand and babbling away about anything that he can.

As the boat sets off, Wei Wuxian remembers something. He walks to the edge of the boat and faces Jiang Cheng.

“Jiang Cheng! I want some of your calligraphy to hang up in the J ingshi!”

Wei Wuxian expects a snarky response, or even just a shaking head.

Except—

Jiang Cheng—

Jiang Cheng just says—

“I don’t do calligraphy anymore.”

Wei Wuxian’s face pales. His smile is wiped clean off his face. His mind is scrambling.

What do you mean you don’t do calligraphy anymore? That was your thing. That was the only thing that was just yours. What do you mean you don’t do calligraphy anymore?

Wei Wuxian tries to come up with a response, but the boat has sailed further away and Jiang Cheng has turned his back on them to walk down the pier.

Wei Wuxian can’t breathe. The iciness is back with a vengeance and Wei Wuxian doesn’t know if it will let go of him this time.

The plate. The bell. The send-off. The bows. The plate. The plate. The plate. The plate. The plate. The plate.

Wei Wuxian desperately tries to reach for anything that could explain what was happening. Anything. He doesn’t even know what to ask.

Shijie would know what to do.

He’s not good at this. He doesn’t know what to do.

The boat drifts further and further away and Wei Wuxian still doesn’t know what to do, or if he’s just making this all up in his head.

Except-

Except Wei Wuxian can’t remember—

Wei Wuxian can’t remember the last time Jiang Cheng smiled.

Chapter Text

Yu Liqin watched Madam Yu twist Zidian around her finger anxiously. She watched as Madame Yu took it off and on, purple sparks flying with every motion.

Yu Liqin brewed the herbs for the calming tea silently in the corner. She had served Madam Yu since their childhood. She knew the mood that Madame Yu was in right now and knew better than to pry.

As the head healer for Yunmeng Jiang, Yu Liqin had seen the wounds of almost everyone there. She had been a listener, a healer, a guardian, a protector.

But the most important role Yu Liqin ever had was being Madame Yu’s friend.

“I don’t—I don’t know how to make him look at A-Cheng.”

Yu Liqin finishes brewing the tea and pours out a cup, placing it in front of Madame Yu, before sitting across the table with a calm gaze.

“I try— I try to make him look at his own son, but all he cares about is that woman’s son.”

Madame Yu shudders and Yu Liqin gracefully ignores the tears that have begun to silently fall down her cheeks.

“I know—I know he doesn’t love me. He never loved me, but why is he putting that on A-Cheng?”

Madame Yu’s shoulders begin to shake and Yu Liqin is considering to do away with the calming tea and make a grab for the wine instead.

“Does he hate me that much?”

Yu Liqin pulls out the wine from under the table and pours them both a cup.

“I don’t know Madame Yu.”

Yu Liqin wanted to be able to give a different answer, but even she couldn’t get a read on Sect Leader Jiang. The only time she had ever been able to get a glimpse behind his mask, was when he was with Wei Wuxian.

“I just need A-Cheng to be stronger than me. So that he doesn’t need him. I can’t— I can’t have A-Cheng be second all his life. I don’t want him to be like me. A wife who is second to a dead woman.”

Yu Liqin takes a sip of her wine and watches as Madame Yu forgoes the cup and just goes for the bottle.

“Madame Yu, I think Young Master Jiang will be strong as long as you feel like he is enough.”

Yu Liqin has seen how Young Master Jiang always looked for his mother for approval. How he mimicked her body language and stared at Zidian .

But Yu Liqin has also seen Madame Yu put up her cold walls with her children as well. She has seen Young Master Jiang’s eyes fall with disappointment whenever he couldn’t get past his mother’s barriers.

Madame Yu puts down the wine bottle and looks at Yu Liqin with a sad smile.

“What I feel about A-Cheng isn’t enough to protect him.”

They finished the wine bottle that night.

When Lotus Pier burned, Yu Liqin had been away, collecting herbs and potions for the sect. At first she had seen the smoke and only offered a silent prayer for everyone to come out unharmed.

But then the smoke grew. The streets became more frantic. And then the shouts began.

Lotus Pier is burning.

Yu Liqin is running. She is racing through the streets. She is slipping into the role of being a healer. She’s going to help. She’s going to—

Except when Yu Liqin reaches Lotus Pier, there isn’t anyone to help.

For the first time in her life as a healer, Yu Liqin can do absolutely nothing.

There are too many bodies strewn across the docks. She recognizes a face here, a sword there, but almost everything has gone up in flames. But she still keeps running, just to find anybody she could help. Just so she could do something.

She finds Madame Yu on the docks, her hand outstretched towards her husband’s. But even in death those two hadn’t been able to reach other.

Yu Liqin stands there for a moment. She grieves over her best friend. Her vision blurs but Yu Liqin has to do something because all she’s done so far is nothing.

She reaches for her childhood friend’s hands and places it in Sect Leader Jiang’s.

Yu Liqin stops—

Where is Zidian?

If it’s not with Madame Yu it has to be with—

And all of a sudden Yu Liqin feels hope again. Because if Young Master— no

If Sect Leader Jiang was still out there, Yu Liqin could still feel hope. She could still help.

Yu Liqin straightens her back. She holds her head up high.

And she waits for her Sect Leader to return.

Yu Liqin walks outside of the healing quarters to see Sect Leader Jiang motioning the builders to the other side of the docks.

Yu Liqin sees Sect Leader Jiang, her best friend’s son, on his hands and knees, slowly rebuilding Lotus Pier.

She sees Zidian shining on his hand like it always belonged there.

She sees Sect Leader Jiang going to every house himself to check on them and offer assistance.

She sees Sect Leader Jiang train the new disciples with everything he has. She sees how hard he pushes himself to make sure every disciple feels like that have a place here.

She sees Young Master Jiang grow into the strong Sect Leader that he is now.

But she also sees her Sect Leader flinching whenever the flames from the lamps leap a little too high.

She notices how her Sect Leader has gotten rid of all the discipline whips on the compound.

She notices how he would rub his chest and sit on the edge of the docks all by himself.

She notices how he would sometimes turn to his side, start talking, before shutting his mouth when he realizes that no one is there.

Yu Liqin is there when her Sect Leader brings back Wei Wuxian during the Sunshot campaign.

She notices how the light seems to come back into her Sect Leader’s eyes, at least a little.

She sees how quickly it leaves when Wei Wuxian pushes her Sect Leader away. She sees the late nights he pulls, when she’s making her night rounds for her patients and Sect Leader’s candles are still burning.

Yu Liqin sees something break when one fateful night, her Sect Leader returns with bloody robes and a crying newborn baby in his arms.

Yu Liqin quickly ushers the Sect Leader into the healing quarters and sits him down on the cot. She tries to take the baby from him but her Sect Leader only holds the baby tighter. The answering wails are enough to shock her Sect Leader into action as he begins to rock the babe until the cries begin to soften and the babe drifts off to sleep.

The silence that follows is suffocating.

“They’re all gone Liqin-jie. ”

Yu Liqin blinks and opens her mouth, but finds that she can’t give a response.

“ A-jie, Wei Wuxian, they’re all gone. They all think I killed him.”

Yu Liqin stares at the hollowness swallowing up her Sect Leader’s eyes.

“Did you?”

Her Sect Leader stares blankly.

“No I didn’t. I wish I did.”

Yu Liqin hums and looks at her Sect Leader’s clenched jaw, the hands curling around the baby.

“I don’t think you wish that Sect Leader.” Yu Liqin whispers.

Tears have begun to stream down her Sect Leader’s face, and once again, Yu Liqin gracefully ignores them.

He looks so much like his mother.

“ No. I don’t.” Her Sect Leader whispers back.

Yu Liqin takes the babe from her Sect Leader’s arms and places him in the cot right next to her Sect Leader. She doesn’t fail to notice how his eyes never leave the baby.

She steps aside and begins to brew the herbs for the calming tea. She glances over to see her Sect Leader vigilantly watching over the newborn babe, staring at the child like he would stop breathing at any moment.

Yu Liqin motions for her Sect Leader to join her at the table and watches as he slowly picks himself up to do so.

Her Sect Leader takes the tea cup with trembling hands and Yu Liqin offers the comfort of silence as he finished the cup.

“I don’t think I know how to do this Liqin- jie.”

Her Sect Leader doesn’t even look up from the cup as his voice wavers.

“I don’t think anyone does Sect Leader.” Yu Liqin responds in kind.

Yu Liqin is reminded in that very moment that her Sect Leader is still so young. But he has had to face what many cultivators never even witness throughout their entire lifetimes.

Her Sect Leader gives out a bitter laugh.

“Where do I go from here Liqin- jie?”

Yu Liqin hums in thought, pulls out the wine from under her desk and pours them both a cup.

“Tonight, we are going to drink. Then when you wake up tomorrow, you will take it one step at a time.”

Her Sect Leader just gapes at her as she hands him his cup.

“Sect Leader, you’ll figure out a way. Attempt the Impossible.”

Her Sect Leader puts down the cup and reaches for the bottle instead.

Yu Liqin smiles behind her cup.

Like mother like son.

Yu Liqin has to side-step to avoid crashing into a barreling toddler clad in golden robes. She knows that she’s about to hear her Sect Leader barrel down the hallway as well, chasing the little menace.

“Jin Ling!”

Yu Liqin chuckles to herself as she continues her rounds with the sound of a toddler laughing in the background.

But the playful ambiance of the day is broken with shouts coming from the docks. Yu Liqin hears the footsteps outside the healing quarters rushing towards her.

She immediately starts giving orders to her fellow healers. Cots are cleared, supplies are ready, and they all try to breathe during the calm before the storm.

Some of the disciples had been sent out to a nearby village on a scouting mission when a landslide suddenly flooded the town. Almost everyone had been buried alive. Some of the disciples were caught in the landslide trying to help the villagers.

Soon the healing quarters was flooded with patients, townsfolk and cultivators alike. The next couple of hours went by in seconds. Yu Liqin and her healers had managed to stabilize almost everyone brought in.

Except—

Except for one of the disciples. He had taken a nasty blow to the head, several lacerations, and a gaping hole in his stomach. The landslide had some how uncovered some resentful matter and it lodged itself into the disciple’s golden core. He had fallen unconscious during treatment and was rejecting any qi her healers had tried to give him.

He wouldn’t be waking up after this. His meridians were completely blocked off, she could feel the resentful energy eating away at his core, his lungs, his heart. This disciple was going to be in excruciating pain until his body slowly starts to fall apart around the resentful energy.  There wouldn’t be anything left to bury. It would be a slow and gruesome death. He wouldn’t be able to wake up from that nightmare until he died.

Yu Liqin hears a knock at the door and as she sits next to her last patient, she feels her Sect Leader place a hand on her shoulder.

“Is he going to be ok Liqin-jie? ”

Yu Liqin shakes her head.

“He’s going to die a slow and painful death Sect Leader. It would be best to let him go.”

Sect Leader Jiang looks at her with immeasurable pain in his eyes.

“He had just become a senior disciple 2 years ago Liqin- jie.”

Yu Liqin closes her eyes and rattles out a sigh.

“I’ll leave the final decision up to the family, but I’ve given my medical advice. Letting him live any longer than he has to is cruel in my opinion.”

Yu Liqin is used to the detachment she feels right now. She has to. It’s the only way to keep going in this field.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t gut her every time she loses someone.

Her Sect Leader also lets out a sad sigh.

“I’ll notify the family and the other disciples. Get some rest Liqin-jie. You’ve had a long day.”

Her Sect Leader was correct. She has had a long day. But she will be there for her patients until the very end. Everyone deserved that.

The family had agreed with Yu Liqin in the end. She knew it was the best choice, but it pained her nonetheless.

The family had said their goodbyes and now the only ones left in the room were the disciple, herself and her Sect Leader.

Yu Liqin pulls out a small box from under her desk and takes out one of the five bottles of sleeping draught. This was a special blend. It lulled the patient to sleep and allowed for the patient to drift off towards death within a few minutes.

It was quick. It was painless. It was a mercy for this disciple, but all that information didn’t stop the tears from pricking Yu Liqin’s eyes.

After the deed was done, Yu Liqin finally looked up into her Sect Leader’s eyes.

Except—

Except Sect Leader Jiang’s eyes had never left the bottle.

“ It looked peaceful.” He murmured

Yu Liqin doesn’t want to reply. She doesn’t want to think about how his gaze still hadn’t left the damn bottle.

“ It is a last resort. If there was any other way, I would have done it.”

Yu Liqin’s hands begin to shake, but she hides it behind her robes. She busies herself with putting the box away and leads her Sect Leader away from the healing quarters.

“Come, we should prepare for the funeral”

Yu Liqin watches her Sect Leader do the inscription on the plate himself. She watches as he kneels and offers his prayers. She sees the pain in his eyes as he has to bury another body.

Her Sect Leader has seen too many funerals for this lifetime.

Whatever haze the Sect Leader had fallen into in the healing quarters a couple days ago had dissipated. Her Sect Leader had returned to his duties after completing the funeral rites.

But Yu Liqin can not forget how he looked at the sleeping draught.

She puts the remaining four bottles in a different box. One that has an intricate lock on it that takes even her a while to unlock.

It’s become a habit to check the remaining bottles. To make sure they are still there.

It really was just one little moment.

Yu Liqin has kept an eye on her Sect Leader for the past couple of days and nothing seemed to be amiss.

Except the coldness of that moment refuses to leave her bones.

So Yu Liqin keeps checking.

The years go by and Yu Liqin watches her Sect Leader raise his nephew like Jin Rulan was his own son.

Yu Liqin watches her Sect Leader lead with confidence and strength. She watches Lotus Pier prosper under his guidance.

Yu Liqin watches him pour every ounce of his essence into Yunmeng Jiang just to see it breathe.

The box has been pushed further and further back in her desk. Her nerves have calmed down over the years and she hasn’t had the urge to check it in a long time.

Yu Liqin is just thankful she hasn’t had to use it again and prays that the future will be as kind.

But then her Sect Leader comes back from Guanyin Temple and there is something missing in his eyes.

Months afterwards, Yu Liqin notices how calligraphy ink no longer stains his hands.

Her Sect Leader still completes his duties. He oversees all the disciples, he checks on trade, he makes his rounds through the villages.  He goes to go all the cultivation conferences. He sends out his daily correspondence.

But there is a hollowness in her Sect Leader’s eyes that hasn’t faded in months.

Yu Liqin knows her way around almost any physical illness. She can deal with lacerations, concussions, black eyes, broken bones, and curses in her sleep.

So why can’t she figure out what’s wrong with her Sect Leader?

She notices his meals are becoming smaller and the time in between them have been getting bigger.

She notices how he tires more easily.

She notices that it’s been harder for him to stay awake during morning meetings.

She notices that if there is a way for her Sect Leader to retire early for the night, he takes it.

She’s dragged him into the healing quarters and has ran every single diagnostic test she could possibly think off, but each time they come back negative.

Her Sect Leader waves off her concern each time and with each negative test, it only seems to prove his point.

Except every time he’s in the healing quarters her Sect Leader doesn’t take his eyes away from her desk.

Yu Liqin wants to throw the box off the pier.

She had seen her Sect Leader grow up, watched him rebuild Lotus Pier.

But right now?

She doesn’t recognize the man sitting in front of her.

But there is nothing physically wrong with her Sect Leader.

Yu Liqin is standing at the edge of the pier. She opens the box one last time to make sure the four bottles are still there. She seals it and hurls it off the pier. She holds her breath until she’s certain the box has reached the bottom of the lake.

The uneasiness in Yu Liqin’s chest leaves for the first time in weeks.

But she still feels cold.

Yu Liqin was finishing up some paperwork when she hears the knock at the door. She puts down her calligraphy brush and walks over to greet her visitor.

It’s her Sect Leader and he’s holding—

He’s holding the box.

Yu Liqin’s mind is swirling.

How—

How did he—

How does he have the box?

“Sorry to bother you Liqin-jie. But a few of the disciples were in the lakes and they found this stuck in the reeds. One of the healers recognized it and brought it to me.”

Yu Liqin should have burned the damn thing.

Her hands are shaking as she takes the box from him.

“Thank you.” She mutters.

“Are you alright Liqin- jie?”

The hollowness was still in her Sect Leader’s eyes but that didn’t stop the concern from flooding them.

Yu Liqin wants to cry.

“Yes, I’m just tired Sect Leader.”

The lie sits bitterly on her tongue. She feels a void opening in her chest. She—

Her Sect Leader chuckles bitterly and with a sad smile. He says—

“Me too, Liqin- jie.”

Yu Liqin doesn’t understand why that response makes her want to scream . She doesn’t understand why she has the urge to shake her Sect Leader.

“The box must have fallen out of your bag, Liqin-jie. ”

Yu Liqin needs to check the box. She needs to make sure—

“Ah, it must have. I hope nothing was damaged.”

That’s a lie and Yu Liqin knows it. She needs to end this conversation, she needs to check—

“Well, I didn’t check inside it, so I hope everything’s alright.”

Yu Liqin feels a weight come off her chest.

Her Sect Leader has never lied to her.

Her Sect Leader waves a goodbye to her and she closes the door and falls to the ground clutching the box.

He said he didn’t check, so maybe this was all a misunderstanding. Maybe—

But Yu Liqin knows that she won’t be able to go to sleep until she checks and—

The seal was broken.

Yu Liqin feels the coldness suffocate her.

Sect Leader— Sect Leader wouldn’t lie to her.

She opens the box and feels the world warp around her. Her hands can’t stop shaking. Her vision starts to fade.

There were only three bottles in the box.

Yu Liqin is knocking on her Sect Leader’s door in the middle of the night.

She doesn’t even know what she is going to say when the door suddenly slides open.

“Liqin-jie? Is something wrong?”

“ Was the box open when it was handed to you?”

Yu Liqin didn’t expect for that to be the first thing she says.

Except.

Except she can’t sleep without knowing.

Her Sect Leader frowns in confusion.

“Is something broken? Is something missing?”

Yu Liqin is running on sheer nerves at this point.  Her hands can’t stop shaking, she doesn’t know what to do next.

Maybe—

Maybe the bottle fell out when the box was stuck in the reeds.

Maybe she’s making this bigger than it is.

“ Yes, one of the bottles are missing and I was wondering if you would happen to know where it is?”

This is the closest Yu Liqin can get to confronting her Sect Leader.

Because—

Because he has never lied to her .

But she just needs to make sure.

“I’ll send word out tomorrow about it and have them keep an eye out for it Liqin- jie.”

Yu Liqin stands there for a moment longer before realizing that this would have to be enough for now. It had to be. Any further would be insinuating that she thinks he’s lying and Yu Liqin doesn’t—

He said he would do it tomorrow.

Yu Liqin nods her head in thanks.

“ Goodnight Sect Leader”

“Goodbye Liqin- jie”

Yu Liqin gets all the way to her room before she realizes—

Sect Leader never answered her last question.

Chapter Text

Jin Ling was done with this meeting thirty minutes ago. His advisors had been saying the same thing over and over again and Jin Ling wanted to throttle them.

How many times are these old men going to repeat the same mistakes?

Jin Ling curled his fist under table and clenched his jaw. One of the advisors in particular felt the need to prattle on for even longer and Jin Ling knew he had to put a stop to this unless he wanted to lose all of his hair.

“For the last time, Elder Rusan, I will not be discontinuing the welfare program for the surrounding villages.”

Elder Rusan sputters as his face turns red

“Sect Leader Jin, you must take into account our reputation. We cannot be seen as weak right now.”

Jin Ling inwardly winces at hearing Sect Leader Jin.

It’s been months since Guanyin Temple and Jin Ling still isn’t used to the title.

“Elder Rusan, we have different definitions of weak. Our sect has the highest economic disparity between cultivators and townsfolk. Our reputation consists of us hiding behind our gold while we let children go hungry. Bridging that gap is not weak, Elder Rusan.”

Elder Rusan doesn’t seem to know when to stop his incessant babbling. 

“Sect Leader Jin, we have to put up a strong front right now. We cannot be seen as charity cases. You were raised by Sandu Shengshou. You more than anyone should know that showing power is a far more effective way to save face. Sect Leader Jin, I ask you—“

The entire room turns towards Jin Ling as he stands up abruptly, one hand clutching Suihua.

Jin Ling knows everybody is expecting him to burst out in anger right now. But he will not give these shitty old men that victory.

Instead, Jin Ling levels them all with a glare and holds his head up high.

“You are right, Elder Rusan. I was raised by Sect Leader Jiang and if you would do the research your job requires as my advisor, you would have known that the welfare program were the first papers he signed as a sect leader.”

The room finally goes silent. 

Jin Ling holds his stance and looks Elder Rusan straight in the eyes and says—

“This meeting is over. If you have any meaningful input about further policies, we can discuss it at the next meeting.”

Jin Ling puts his hands out in front of him for a bow and walks out the door without a second glance. 

The earliest memory Jin Ling has is his Jiujiu’s singing. 

Jin Ling remembers being held as Jiujiu walked across the docks, singing quietly into the night.

He remembers gazing past the docks and watching the lotus flowers float past the piers.

He remembers the warmth of Jiujiu’s arms and how gently Jiujiu held him.

He remembers feeling safe.

Jin Ling’s first memory is being loved.

Jin Ling walks down the opulent halls of Koi Tower with Fairy trotting alongside him, the intricate carvings dancing across the walls, the gold accents glinting in the light.

He walks until he reaches the koi pond and takes a seat on the bench, placing Suihua on his lap.

Jin Ling loves his sect. He wants Lanling Jin to come out from under all the corruption and greediness of his family. He wants to help do that.

The blood that runs through him belongs to this sect and Jin Ling is willing to bleed to give Koi Tower a chance of redemption.

Jin Ling watches the lotus flowers float along the edge of the pond, he watches the koi dart in between the flowers. 

He’s been told that his A-Die had built this pond for his A-Niang. And sometimes, Jin Ling sits here, closes his eyes and pretends that he is just waiting for his parents to come back from an evening stroll.

Except.

Except Jin Ling can’t imagine anything else besides waiting.

Because, he doesn’t remember their faces. He doesn’t remember their voices. He doesn’t remember anything about them.

The only things Jin Ling has of his parents are his A-Die’s sword and his A-Niang’s clarity bell.

Jin Ling loves Lanling Jin.

But—

It’s never been his home.

Because when Jin Ling thinks of home, he thinks of the docks at Lotus Pier instead of the steps of Koi Tower. He’s comforted by the color purple rather than the gold of his own robes. He finds lotuses more beautiful than peonies.

When Jin Ling thinks of home, he thinks of his Jiujiu.

When Jin Ling is six, Jiujiu had brought him to Koi Tower for the first time. 

“A-Ling, come meet your shushu.”

His Jiujiu had to gently pry Jin Ling’s hands from purple robes and turn him to face a man clad in the same golden robes as he was. 

When Jin Ling finally let go of his Jiujiu, he put his hands out in front of him and bowed as far as he could without falling over, just like his Jiujiu had taught him.

The man in the golden robes returned the bow and with a smile, held out his hand.

Jin Ling looked to his Jiujiu first and after seeing Jiujiu nod, he steps forward and places his hand in the other man’s grasp.

The other man had smiled at him and Jin Ling couldn’t stop staring at the vermillion mark between the other man’s eyes.

“That’s just like mine!”

The other man’s eyes crinkled up and he leaned down towards Jin Ling.

“You’re right, Young Master Jin. It’s just like yours.”

Jin Ling doesn’t dislike the other man, he just didn’t really know him.

And Jin Ling couldn’t help but notice that the hand he was holding now was nowhere near as warm as his Jiujiu’s.

Jin Ling is staring at all the paperwork on his desk and is absentmindedly strokes Fairy’s fur.

How does Jiujiu sit here for so long? 

Sighing, Jin Ling picks up his calligraphy brush again and continues drudging through the rest of the papers.

Half of these papers are the elders complaining about the treasury being lower than usual due to the welfare program.

The only thing stopping him from burning those letters on the spot is his Jiujiu’s voice.

“A-Ling, you have to hear out and respond to everyone who comes to you as a sect leader. It’s your decision in the end whether to listen to them or not, but there are lessons to be learned even in the smallest complaints.”

“But what if they are just being idiotic Jiujiu?”

“Then you can tell them to fuck off A-Ling.”

Jin Ling finally finishes the last of the paperwork and he picks himself up from his desk and walks over to the window. Fairy plops herself in his lap once he settles down.

Sect Leader Jin.

The title still doesn’t sit with him well just yet, it was still too new.

But Jin Ling had never felt unprepared to be a sect leader.

Because—

Because his Jiujiu made sure that he knew that he wasn’t alone. 

Jin Ling knew that if he ever got stuck, his Jiujiu would walk right up to him, grumble about breaking his legs, pull him back up and then help him to avoid getting stuck again.

Jin Ling might be alone in Koi Tower but he has never felt alone.

When Jin Ling is ten, Jiujiu tells him that he has to stay in Lanling for half the year.

“Jiujiu no! I don’t want to leave!”

His Jiujiu kneels down to be eye-level with him and gently says—

“A-Ling, you are going to be the sect leader of Lanling Jin. You need to start spending more time there.”

Jin Ling starts crying and he hates it.

“Please don’t send me away Jiujiu.”

His Jiujiu seems to freeze up at hearing that and the next thing Jin Ling knew, he was being wrapped up in those purple-robed arms.

“You will always have a home here brat. If you think you can stay there forever, I’ll break your legs and drag you back. And I won’t listen to any of your kicking and screaming either.”

Jin Ling sniffles, wiping his eyes so he can try to see his Jiujiu clearly.

“Promise?”

And all his Jiujiu says is—

“I promise A-Ling.”

Jin Ling is new at the whole friends thing. He knows that he can come off as brash sometimes, but he’s been trying with Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi. 

He’s been masquerading his friendship attempts under strengthening clan relations, but Lan Sizhui and and Lan Jingyi can see right through that.

Jin Ling is just thankful they don’t call him out on it.

Maybe it’s time for another night hunt.

Jin Ling feels like he deserves it after the last disastrous meeting. He could use something to soothe his nerves.

He pens out the letters to Gusu with the respective invitations before pulling out another page to send to Yunmeng.

It’s nice to see his friends on their night hunts, but he would be lying if that was the only reason why he went on them.

The night hunts were really the only times he could see his Jiujiu these past couple of months.

It’s not like Jin Ling doesn’t hear from his Jiujiu, he receives letters from Yunmeng at least twice a week. But he doesn’t see Jiujiu as often anymore and the words sprawled across all those letters are nothing in comparison to just being next to him.

He knows that it isn’t either one of their faults for why they can’t see each other as much. Jiujiu has his own sect to run and Jin Ling is trying to pick up the pieces of his own.

But something has been off about Jiujiu’s letters for weeks now.

Jin Ling can’t put his finger on it and every time he tries to bring it up, Jiujiu just brushes it off.

Jin Ling might just be seeing something that isn’t there but there is something in the back of his mind that refuses to let it go.

Jin Ling seals all the letters with the Lanling Jin symbol and lies down on the floor of his study.

It will be nice to see them all again.

The first time Jin Ling stayed at Koi Tower without his Jiujiu, he tried to be strong. He really did. 

Jiujiu said that he would come back in half a year to get me. 

Jin Ling tried to ignore how the golden walls made him yearn for the soft purples of his Jiujiu’s study.

He tried to push past his tutors snapping at him when he missed something on his history papers.

He tried to connect with his shushu but the older man seemed to hide behind his pleasant demeanor and Jin Ling always felt uneasy around him.

His yeye just gave him the creeps and his da-shu acted like he didn’t even exist.

Jin Ling tried to make friends with his cousins or with anyone at all. 

But they all said that he was too harsh, too blunt. They said he cried too much, or that he didn’t know how to have fun.

Jin Ling just didn’t see the fun in throwing rocks at beggars.

“That’s not how you treat people!” Jin Ling yelled.

But all those kids did was sneer at him and snark back—

“What do you know Young Master Jin? You don’t have an A-Die or an A-Niang to tell you anything.”

And Jin Ling’s heart drops. 

He doesn’t want to be in Lanling anymore. He misses Yunmeng. He misses his Jiujiu.

Jin Ling runs away in the middle of the night. He can’t be there anymore. It’s all too much. Everything is too much and Jin Ling—

Jin Ling just wants to go home.

What those kids had said wasn’t anything new to Jin Ling. He’s heard the elders whisper about him. He’s seen their pity. He’s seen how they all tiptoe around him.

Except they all think Jin Ling has this gaping hole inside of him because of his parents.

But he doesn’t.

Jin Ling wishes he had his A-Die and A-Niang but he has never felt like he was drowning from missing them.

How could he when he doesn’t even remember anything about them? He’s never had anything from them to miss. 

And Jin Ling—

Jin Ling has always had his Jiujiu.

When Jin Ling thinks of his family, his parents aren’t the ones who come to his mind first, it’s his Jiujiu.

It’s Jiujiu’s broad shoulders and warm hands. It’s his gentle voice as he sings Jin Ling to sleep. It’s how he yells at Jin Ling to be careful. It’s how he lets Jin Ling slip into his room when the storms are too scary. It’s how Jin Ling just needs to see his Jiujiu in order feel safe.

Jin Ling knows he’s lost. He’s circled around the same tree five times now and Jin Ling can’t stop the tears falling from his eyes.

He’s tired. He’s hungry. He’s been wandering for hours. And Jin Ling just wants to be home.

Jin Ling stops in the middle of the clearing and curls up into a ball. He can’t see anything around him, the tears obscuring the forest around him.

But then—

But then Jin Ling hears the shouts.

“A-Ling! Where are you?”

Jin Ling blinks. That’s—that’s his Jiujiu’s voice.

Jin Ling is running towards that voice. He trips over a tree branch and almost falls flat on his face but he can’t stop. 

He can’t stop because—

He can’t stop because the only thing he needs right now is to see his Jiujiu.

He’s running and running and running when he finally sees those purple robes—

“Jiujiu!”

His Jiujiu whips around and is running towards Jin Ling.

Jin Ling can’t stop crying, he can barely see in front of him, but he doesn’t care.

Jin Ling is wrapped up in those arms. Jin Ling throws his arms around his Jiujiu’s back. And Jin Ling feels like he can finally breathe.

It takes a while for Jin Ling to realize that his Jiujiu has been trying to speak to him.

“Are you hurt anywhere A-Ling? Do you need anything? Why did you leave? Don’t do that to me again you little brat, do you know much you worried me? I’ll break your legs after this, see if you can give me another heart attack again.”

His Jiujiu is frantically patting Jin Ling down while he rambles and Jin Ling just feels so relieved.

“Jiujiu I just want to go home.”

His Jiujiu looks him the eyes with such gentleness and pauses for a moment.

The next thing he knew, Jin Ling was hefted into those strong arms and his Jiujiu starts walking through the woods. Jin Ling buries his face into the crook of his Jiujiu’s neck.

“Ok brat. Let’s go home.”

As they made their way to Yunmeng, Jin Ling tells his Jiujiu about everything that happened in Lanling. 

His Jiujiu just hums in response and curls his arms around Jin Ling a little tighter.

He sleeps in Jiujiu’s room that night and the last thing he remembers before falling asleep is watching his Jiujiu at his desk, writing out a letter.

The next morning Jiujiu calls Jin Ling into his study and asks him to sit down.

Jiujiu places a sword and a clarity bell on the table. Jin Ling watches his Jiujiu take a deep breath before looking up at Jin Ling.

“These belonged to your parents A-Ling.”

Jin Ling stares at the table. He doesn’t what to say.

“I think they would have wanted you to have them.”

Jin Ling can’t stop the tears from falling down his face and all his Jiujiu does is wipe them away from his cheeks.

“Can you tell me more about them Jiujiu?”

Jin Ling will never hear his parents’ voices or see their faces. But as long as he has his Jiujiu, he can remember their stories.

A week later, his Jiujiu informs him that starting next year, he will only have to spend a month in Lanling every winter.

His Jiujiu has Lanling send over a Jin tutor to handle the rest of his studies in Lotus Pier. Jin Ling doesn’t fail to notice how his Jiujiu glares at her through the doorway whenever he walks by the classroom.

The next time Jin Ling goes to Koi Tower, shushu gives him Fairy.

Fairy helps deal with the coldness of Lanling, but it’s still nothing compared to the warmth of Lotus Pier.

Jiujiu never tells Jin Ling to stop crying. 

He always asks why he’s crying.

Jin Ling has Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi meet him at Lanling for the night hunt.

He scowls when he sees Wei Wuxian trailing behind them.

“He wanted to come with us Sect Leader Jin. He is quite difficult to deter.” Lan Sizhui says apologetically.

Jin Ling huffs and turns his gaze away from Wei Wuxian but not before Wei Wuxian exclaims—

“How’s my favourite nephew?”

“Who’s your nephew Wei Wuxian?”

But Wei Wuxian only laughs in response and offers Jin Ling a sly smile.

Jin Ling ignores him and turns towards Lan Sizhui.

“How many times do I have to tell you Lan Sizhui, call me Jin Ling. Sect Leader Jin sounds too stuffy coming out of your mouth.”

Lan Sizhui ducks his head and tries to hide his blush behind his hair but Jin Ling still catches a glimpse of it.

“Ah, my apologies Jin Ling.” 

Jin Ling is a little thrown off by how gently Lan Sizhui replies but he doesn’t have much time to dwell on it before Lan Jingyi barrels towards him and swings an arm over his shoulder.

“Come on little mistress, we’ve got a night hunt waiting for us!”

Jin Ling mutters under his breath. Who’s this little mistress you scoundrel. But Jin Ling is trying and he knows Lan Jingyi means well.

But then Jin Ling sees his Jiujiu come into the hall.

“I see the Lan juniors take after your insolence Wei Wuxian.”

Jin Ling watches as Wei Wuxian only laughs and responds with—

“Jiang Cheng how dare you! I’m a great teacher! My juniors are reaping so much wisdom from me!”

Jiujiu only scoffs at Wei Wuxian and turns towards Jin Ling.

“You ready to go brat?”

And Jin Ling smiles.

“Can you keep up with us old man?”

 Jiujiu gives Jin Ling a smirk before turning his back on them and starts walking down the hall.

Zidian crackles with purple lightning with every step. Jiujiu tosses a look over his shoulder.

“How are you already falling behind brat? I haven’t even broken your legs yet.”

The familiar banter soothes the worry in Jin Ling’s heart that has settled over it the past couple of weeks.

He sounds fine. It might have just been the stress Jin Ling has felt with dealing with his sect. He’s reading too much into this.

Jin Ling walks behind his Jiujiu and stares at his strong back. Jiujiu has always stood so tall.

But now—

But now Jin Ling notices the slightest droop in his Jiujiu’s shoulders.

How long has it been there? Why is it there?

But as quickly as the droop appeared, it goes away and Jin Ling is once again staring at that strong back.

Jin Ling feels the worry set deeper into his bones.

Jin Ling doesn’t really know how to feel about Wei Wuxian. 

He’s heard all the horror stories surrounding the Yiling Patriach. His elders have told him how Wei Wuxian murdered his parents in cold blood.

Except whenever he asks his Jiujiu about Wei Wuxian, Jin Ling sees his eyes go dark. 

“Jiujiu did he really kill my parents?

“I don’t think he meant to A-Ling”

Jin Ling remembers seeing his Jiujiu clean a black flute every so often. Whenever Jin Ling would ask about it, his Jiujiu would only smile sadly and say—

“It belonged to my shixiong A-Ling.”

Most of what Jin Ling has been told about Wei Wuxian doesn’t match with the whimsical man he sees in front of him. But Jin Ling does not forget about what that man had taken from him.

Jin Ling doesn’t regret stabbing him. But he is glad that he didn’t kill Wei Wuxian.

After the night hunt was over, Jin Ling and his friends clean up their arrows and unused talismans.

He sees Wei Wuxian sling an arm over his Jiujiu’s shoulders and Jin Ling sighs, waiting for the fight to begin.

Except—

Except Jiujiu has this look in his eyes and it makes Jin Ling uneasy.

Jin Ling overhears the invite to Lotus Pier being given to Wei Wuxian and Jin Ling turns away to give them some privacy.

Jin Ling is just happy to see his Jiujiu moving forward.

When they all part ways for the night, Jin Ling gives a final look to his Jiujiu.

The worry from the previous letters still hasn’t gone away yet.

Jiujiu hasn’t mentioned anything out of the ordinary. 

But—

Is there something wrong at Lotus Pier? Did something happen? 

Jin Ling doesn’t like what he sees in his Jiujiu’s eyes. 

Why are his eyes so hollow? When did it start? How long? Is Jin Ling only noticing now?

Except his Jiujiu doesn’t say anything else, so Jin Ling watches him walk away towards Yunmeng.

Jin Ling always knew he could ask his Jiujiu for anything. But for the life of him, Jin Ling can’t remember if Jiujiu has ever asked him for anything.

Jin Ling’s neck was still bleeding from the steel wire shushu had put to his neck, when his Jiujiu grabs his hands and drags him out of Guanyin Temple.

“Jiujiu what are you doing?”

Jiujiu stops once they’ve gotten far enough away from the temple to be out of earshot.

“A-Ling I need you to think about what just happened.”

Jin Ling doesn’t want to think about what just happened except his Jiujiu’s eyes are so pleading that Jin Ling does what was asked of him.

“Shushu is dead.”

“Sect Leader Jin is dead.”

Jin Ling’s racing thoughts stop.

If Sect Leader Jin is dead, then that means—

“I’m about to become the new sect leader.”

Jiujiu’s hands tighten around his own hands.

“Only if you want to. I wasn’t going to let those vultures get a hold of you until you were at least twenty. Twenty-five would have been more preferable but that’s all gone to shit.”

Jin Ling frowns in confusion. His Jiujiu continues.

“If you want to wait, I can have your advisors place a regent in charge until you want to take your position. This is your decision A-Ling, I will stand by whatever you choose.”

And Jin Ling begins to cry because his Jiujiu thinks about him so much and never worries about himself.

Jin Ling was there too when shushu had spilled the golden core secret. He knew that the golden core inside his Jiujiu’s body didn’t belong to him originally.

But Jin Ling knows that the strength that his Jiujiu possessed did not come from any golden core.

But does Jiujiu know?

Jin Ling thinks about what being a sect leader means. Except the only thing he can think about is how his Jiujiu runs Lotus Pier.

I want to to be like him. I want to show him that I am proud of being his nephew.

Jin Ling pulls his shoulders back and holds his head up high.

“I’ll take the position now, someone’s got to clean up their shit show.”

Jiujiu looks him in the eyes for a long moment, before giving a short nod.

And Jiujiu’s eyes—

Jiujiu’s eyes looked so proud.

Jin Ling watches as his Jiujiu takes a step back, puts his hands out front, and gives a deep bow.

Jin Ling is so shocked that he can’t keep his jaw from dropping.

“I think you’re the perfect man for the job Sect Leader Jin.”

With that, Jin Ling bursts into tears and runs into his Jiujiu’s arms.

And all Jiujiu does is hold him tightly and sing softly to him in his arms.

Jin Ling is working on the never ending paperwork in his study when Fairy jumps up suddenly and runs to the door.

Jin Ling puts down the calligraphy brush and moves to get up, except before he can make it to the door, it slides open to reveal purple robes.

“Jiujiu! What are you doing here?”

Jin Ling tries to go through all the letters in his head. None of them mentioned Jiujiu coming to Koi Tower so no one can blame him for being worried about his Jiujiu’s sudden appearance.

“What? I can’t see my own nephew?”

Jiujiu was already moving to start pouring the tea and Jin Ling huffs because of course Jiujiu would serve him tea in his own god damn sect.

“You can see me whenever you want old man, a notice is nice though. Did something come up?”

Jin Ling doesn’t really mean the notice part, but he can’t seem to shake the growing worry in his lungs because there is something wrong with his Jiujiu’s eyes.

Is something wrong? Is Jiujiu ok? Is Lotus Pier ok? Jiujiu you can ask me for help, I’m not a kid anymore.

“Nothing is wrong brat, stop your worrying. I was just passing through the area and wanted to stop by.”

Jin Ling knows he’s lying. There wouldn’t be any reason for Jiujiu to be passing through Lanling. Why is he lying?

Jin Ling can feel his lungs closing up.

But Jin Ling doesn’t know how to call him out on it because—

Because Jiujiu has never lied to him before.

When Jin Ling takes too long to respond, Jiujiu continues.

“I should have done this a long time ago, but that’s just on me.”

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. 

Why does Jiujiu look like that?

Jiujiu stop looking like that.

“A-Ling give me your hand.”

Jin Ling is still trying to process his racing thoughts that he doesn’t realize that he’s already placed his hand in Jiujiu’s until he can already feel his hand being held.

Zidian crackles with it’s purple light and Jin Ling can only watch as Zidian leaps from his Jiujiu’s hands onto his own. 

Jin Ling can only stare blankly at the ring that glints it’s dangerous purple lights on his finger.

Jin Ling looks up into his Jiujiu’s eyes and—

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. This is not normal. Jiujiu what—

“It looks good on you A-Ling.”

Jin Ling wants to throw up.

“I just wanted Zidian to recognize you, so that when it’s your turn to have her, there won’t be any issues”

Jin Ling is not an idiot. 

Jin Ling knows that Jiujiu was given Zidian when Yima was dying.

Jiujiu what’s wrong?

“Well it’s not my turn to have her so you can take her back now”

Jin Ling needs Jiujiu to take it back. He needs this to not be real.

Jin Ling grabs his Jiujiu’s hands with desperation.

Jin Ling needs him to take Zidian back. Jin Ling needs him to. He doesn’t want to think about what he’s going to do if Jiujiu doesn’t take it back.

Because—

Because Jin Ling doesn’t know what it means if Jiujiu doesn’t take it back.

Jin Ling doesn’t have to think that far because Jiujiu lets Zidian go back onto his hands.

The relief Jin Ling feels about that small victory does nothing to soothe the void opening up in his chest.

Something is wrong. Something is wrong with Jiujiu. Jiujiu please tell me what’s wrong.

Jiujiu takes his hand back and looks at Jin Ling with soft eyes.

Why are his eyes so hollow?

“I am so proud of you A-Ling.”

Jin Ling wants to cry. 

Jin Ling has never had to question whether or not Jiujiu loves him. He has always felt it.

But—

Does Jiujiu know that he is also loved?

“I love you.” Jin Ling blurts out.

And Jiujiu—

Jiujiu just—

Jiujiu just smiles with hollowness swallowing up his eyes.

“I know A-Ling. I love you too.”

Jin Ling hasn’t been able to move from his desk. Fairy has tried to nudge him from his seat multiple times but Jin Ling can’t.

When Jiujiu left that evening, every part of Jin Ling wanted to hold on to him and drag him back to Koi Tower. 

Except—

Except Jiujiu just brushed off his invitations to stay the night.

“I’ve got a sect to lead you little brat. I can’t be spending this much time away from Lotus Pier.”

Jin Ling is panicking.

Everything is so cold. The world doesn’t seem to exist outside of his room right now.  He can’t breathe. He—

Jin Ling has lost so much in his life. At least that’s what everyone tells him. But he’s never really felt that loss because his Jiujiu was always there.

But—

Who was there for Jiujiu?

Jin Ling is spiraling.

Because—

Because he doesn’t know what’s wrong and Jiujiu won’t tell him and Jin Ling doesn't know how to help.

Jin Ling is staring at the letter he’s written on his desk. 

Jin Ling would have never thought he would be doing this except—

Except—

Jin Ling doesn’t know who else to ask. 

Jin ling can’t remember anyone standing next to Jiujiu. 

Jiujiu has always been alone.

Jin Ling knows it’s impractical but no matter how old Jin Ling gets, he will always need his Jiujiu.

Jin Ling seals the letter and sends it off to Gusu.

Jin Ling walks to the Ancestral Hall of Koi Tower.

He lights up the incense and he kneels in front of the tablets.

And for the first time in his life—

Jin Ling prays.

Chapter Text

It’s raining the day Lan Xichen takes his first steps out of seclusion.

The thundering clouds and lightning streaking across the sky don’t deter him as he calmly walks out of the Ha nshi.

He lets the rain soak into his white robes, he listens to the splashes his boots make as they step into the puddles forming on the ground. He watches the disciples dashing through the Cloud Recesses, trying to find cover from the sudden downpour.

Lan Xichen walks all the way to his shufu's study. He gives a simple knock before entering the room.

Lan Xichen sees his shufu look up from his desk and watches his shufu drop the book he was holding and scramble to get up.

“Xichen, is something wrong? Why didn’t you grab an umbrella? You could have asked one of the disciples for one. Do you need something—“

Lan Xichen breaks one of the sect rules and interrupts his shufu by breaking into a deep bow, water dripping from his hair onto the floor with the motion.

“Shufu, I am ending my seclusion. Please allow me to return to my duties.”

Lan Xichen holds his bow, but when he doesn’t hear a response he looks up, expecting a frown on his shufu's face.

Except Lan Xichen is only met with his shufu's eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Lan Xichen balks at the sight and can’t help but come up from his bow and move towards his shufu.

“Shufu, what—“

His shufu only holds a hand up and after a small moment, returns the bow.

Lan Xichen can only gape.

When his shufu comes back up, the tears have fallen from his eyes and are making their way down his cheeks.

“Welcome back Sect Leader Lan.”

Lan Xichen is staring at Shuoyue.

The sharpness of the blade has never really been at the forefront of Lan Xichen’s mind.

But when it is all too easy to slide the blade through the heart of his sworn brother, it’s all Lan Xichen can think about.

Lan Xichen is staring at Shouyue as it takes the breath from Jin Guangyao’s lungs. He’s staring at the blood welling up from the wound.

He only looks up when he hears the blood gurgling in Jin Guangyao’s mouth.

“ Er-ge”

Lan Xichen looks into the eyes of the man who killed his own child, who killed Da-ge , who was complicit in Wangji’s pain, who used hundreds of people to further his own goals.

A man Lan Xichen had helped and supported for years.

Lan Xichen looks back down at Shouyue.

He didn’t know his hands could shake this much.

Lan Xichen looks back up into Jin Guangyao’s eyes.

He twists the blade.

Lan Xichen is seven years old when he sees Lotus Pier for the first time. He’s with his shufu, accompanying him to a cultivation conference.

His shufu didn’t ask for Lan Xichen to come with him, but Lan Xichen had wanted to see the piers he had only read about so far in his history books.

The books didn’t do the docks justice. The lotus flowers blossomed across the lakes, the wind carried the sounds of chimes and a bustling market. The air was warmer compared to chilled atmosphere of Gusu.

Lan Xichen loved his home. He loved the peace and quiet Gusu offered him.

But he would be lying if he said it wasn’t nice to have a change of pace every once in a while.

While his shufu and the other sect leaders were busy with the conference, Lan Xichen had been wandering the docks.

On his little journey, Lan Xichen sees a little bundle of purple robes leaning over the edge of the docks precariously.

Lan Xichen breaks one of the sect rules and makes a run for the toddler.

He’s going to fall off.

Lan Xichen hefts the child into his own small arms and is met with a giggly little smile and bright blue eyes.

Lan Xichen doesn’t even flinch when the toddler glances at his forehead ribbon and makes a grab for it.

Lan Xichen is used to his didi playing with his forehead ribbon all the time, so no one could really blame Lan Xichen for forgetting about the rules.

It’s only when the toddler puts the ribbon in his mouth when Lan Xichen realizes—

Oh he definitely shouldn’t be doing that.

Lan Xichen manages to wrangle the ribbon from the kid’s grubby hands when he hears footsteps rushing down the pier.

“A-Cheng!”

Lan Xichen looks up and sees a girl who had to be around his own age rushing down the pier.

Lan Xichen is already holding the little rascal out in front of him in order to hand him off to the girl.

The girl sweeps the toddler from his arms and immediately starts fretting.

“A-Cheng you can’t worry your A-jie like that. Don’t run off again.”

Lan Xichen feels the urge to ease the worry of the young girl and brings up a gentle smile.

“He’s alright young miss. He was just trying to play with the lotuses.”

The girl turns towards Lan Xichen and gives him a gentle smile in return.

“Thank you for looking after him. I turned away for a second and he found a way to escape.”

She turns to the toddler in her arms and continues.

“You just love the piers, don’t you”

The toddler just giggles in response with a toothy smile

Lan Xichen can’t help but smile along side with the kid.

“It really was no problem. He’s lucky to have such a caring jiejie.”

The girls bows as deep as she could with holding a child in her arms. And with a smile she waves at Lan Xichen before turning away to walk down the docks.

Lan Xichen turns his face towards the lakes to gaze at the flowers floating across the surface.

They really are beautiful.

When Lan Xichen announces his decision to enter seclusion, he thought it would be something he had to fight for.

Except—

Except his shufu only looks at him with a sad smile and gives a bow as he replies.

“If you feel like it would be best Xichen, I will handle the Cloud Recesses while you recover.”

Lan Xichen looks at the man who had basically raised him.

He knew his shufu wasn’t perfect. The man liked to hide behind the rules and his books.

But he had never asked to raise his two nephews. He had never asked to take over the sect leader duties. He had never asked to lose his brother.

His shufu had made mistakes, but he had tried his best.

And Lan Xichen had never felt unloved.

“I think it would be best for everyone shufu.”

Lan Xichen couldn’t trust himself right now. What if he hurts more people? What if  he trusts the wrong person again? What if—

He turns toward his didi and Wangji only looks at him with a sad frown.

Lan Xichen can only offer up a sad smile in response.

“Are you sure xiongzhang?” Wangji whispers.

Lan Xichen gives a short nod.

“I’m sure.”

He’s not. There’s another rule broken. How many more is he going to break?

Lan Xichen watches his shufu come up to him and place a hand on his shoulder, startling Lan Xichen into looking at him.

“We will be here for you when you can come back Xichen. Take as much time as you need.”

When. Not if. When.

If only Lan Xichen could be as sure as his shufu.

Lan Xichen holds the hand on his shoulder, gives his shufu another smile and turns towards Wangji one last time.

“Be happy with Wei Wuxian Wangji. Don’t let shufu give you a hard time.”

Lan Xichen can see the barest hint of a smile on his didi’s face but he can also see the growing scowl on his shufu's.

With a sly chuckle, Lan Xichen turns away from his family and walks into the H anshi.

The first thing Lan Xichen noticed about Jiang Wanyin was his scowl.

Wanji had come to Lan Xichen, telling him about how the Yunmeng delegation had lost their invitation and were stuck outside of the gates. Lan Xichen was heading over to smooth over the situation when he hears a gruff voice.

“Why isn’t that idiot back yet? He’s not going to make it back in time before the curfew.”

Lan Xichen was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to hear that, but he pulls up a gentle smile and replies anyways.

“Ah, you’re talking about the head disciple of Yunmeng Jiang, correct?”

The man whips his head up to meet Lan Xichen’s eyes, his own widening, before going into a deep bow.

“My apologies, I didn’t mean to be rude. My shixiong should be back any moment with the invitation.”

When the man comes up from the bow and looks Lan Xichen in the eyes, the only thing he can think is—

His eyes are really blue.

Snapping out of it, Lan Xichen offers up one of his gentle smiles.

“You must be Jiang Wanyin. I’m Lan Xichen. It’s an honor to meet you. Come, let’s get you and your jiejie settled in for the night.”

Lan Xichen watches the man sputter with an amused glint in his eyes.

“But my shixiong—“

Lan Xichen thinks it’s ok to break a rule here to stop Jiang Wanyin’s worrying.

“I’ll have Wangji wait for your shixiong Jiang Wanyin. It’s getting late and it looks like you have been traveling without rest for a while.”

Lan Xichen watches Jiang Wanyin bring his hands up to his hair, smoothing away the flyways that had come out of his bun. He watches Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks turn red and pretends he didn’t see anything when Jiang Wanyin meets his eyes again.

Still holding a gentle smile on his face, Lan Xichen turns away to guide the Yunmeng delegation to their rooms.

Those eyes really are beautiful.

The first couple nights of seclusion, Lan Xichen can’t sleep. He lies awake on his bed and stares up at the ceiling.

How did I not see it? How did I not see anything? How could I have been so stupid? What else have I missed?

Lan Xichen doesn’t know know how his A-Die did it. How did he stay alone with his thoughts for so long?

Lan Xichen thought that seclusion would be a balm for his soul. It feels more like a punishment. 

He’s not sure if it’s undeserved.

When sleep alludes him for too many nights, Lan Xichen breaks another rule and leaves the Hanshi in the middle of the night.

He walks around the Hanshi and sits down  by the pond he can see out of his bedroom window.

He dips his hands in and watches the ripples shoot across the pond. He stares up at the moon and closes his eyes.

When is it supposed to get easier?

When Lan Xichen’s A-Niang died, he was at least old enough to understand that she wasn’t coming back.

But Wangji had kneeled in the snow for hours waiting for their A-Niang to open her door.

When Lan Xichen’s A-Die died, it wasn’t a punch to the gut, it wasn’t world-stopping event. It didn’t break his heart.

Because their A-Die had left them years ago. His death only meant that he had left this world as well.

Two weeks into his seclusion, Lan Xichen receives a letter.

He shouldn’t be receiving any letters. News of his seclusion had to have spread by now.

He finds that it’s sealed with the symbol of Yunmeng Jiang. Perplexed, he opens it.

It’s a simple letter. There’s a formal greeting. It consists of normal clan-related topics and it has Jiang Wanyin’s familiar signature at the bottom. There’s nothing different about this letter from any of the ones he’s received from Yunmeng before.

Confused, Lan Xichen closes the letter, but not before writing down a few notes for shufu regarding the topics of the letter.

He sends the letter off to his shufu and pulls out a piece of paper to write a letter back to Yunmeng.

Sect Leader Jiang,

I am sure you have heard of my decision to enter seclusion. If you want to hear better advice regarding the clan matters you wrote about, you should redirect your letters to my shufu.

Sincerely,

Lan Xichen

Feeling satisfied with the response, Lan Xichen seals the letter and sends it off as well.

Lan Xichen is running. He’s carrying the scrolls that contain the history and secrets of his clan. His robes are scorched at the ends.

His shufu told him that he was protecting the future of Gusu Lan.

Lan Xichen just feels like a coward.

Lan Xichen meets a man with a gentle demeanor who helps him stay hidden from the Wen Clan.

Perhaps Lan Xichen’s first mistake with Jin Guangyao was not asking more questions.

A few days after Lan Xichen had sent his response to Yunmeng, he receives another letter.

It’s sealed with the symbol of Yunmeng Jiang.

Frowning, Lan Xichen opens the letter.

Sect Leader Lan,

I have heard about your decision to enter seclusion. What I haven’t heard was your decision to step down as sect leader. Until that announcement is made, I’m afraid my letters will continue to be addressed to you. I’m not really interested in the advice from your shufu. I’m more interested in the advice from Sect Leader Lan. However, if you wish for these letters to desist, I will respect your wishes.

Sincerely,

Sect Leader Jiang

Lan Xichen doesn’t really know how to respond to that.

No one else has asked Lan Xichen if he wanted to remain in contact with the outside world.

Lan Xichen doesn’t really blame them. His A-Die had refused all contact during his own seclusion. It made sense that they would assume the same for him.

Lan Xichen remembers seeing his shufu stand in front of his A-Die’s door for hours, and when there was no response, Lan Xichen would watch his shufu’s brow furrow even deeper and walk away with his shoulders weighed down and unshed tears flooding his eyes.

Lan Xichen taps his calligraphy brush on the table.

Maybe—maybe this could help.

He pulls out another page and starts to pen his response.

Sect Leader Jiang,

You are right, I haven’t stepped down as sect leader. However, I must inform you that most sect  matters are being handled by my shufu at the present moment. But if it is my advice you want, I will be happy to give it. I can’t promise that it will be the most suitable, but I will try my best. It might be good for me to have something to do during this seclusion of mine.

Sincerely,

Sect Leader Lan

Lan Xichen seals the letter before he can second guess himself and sends it off.

He looks out his window at stares at the snowdrop flowers that litter the grounds of the Cloud Recesses.

He looks back inside and finds himself facing his mirror.

Lan Xichen didn’t realize that he had started smiling.

During the Sunshot Campaign, Lan Xichen was pulling endless all-nighters with his sworn brothers. They poured over all the reports and shot ideas back and forth throughout the night.

Da-ge tended to veer towards brute force more often than not, while A-Yao veered towards espionage and subtler approaches. Lan Xichen spends most of those nights being the mediator between the two.

During the conferences, a line seems to be appearing between the Venerated Triad and Yunmeng Jiang.

Lan Xichen watches Jiang Wanyin defend Wei Wuxian, but he doesn’t fail to notice the worry setting in the younger man’s eyes.

He notices how Jiang Wanyin twists Zidian around his finger each time Wei Wuxian’s anger makes an appearance. He notices how even Jiang Wanyin is confused by Wei Wuxian’s behavior.

But Jiang Wanyin had always defended his shixiong.

Lan Xichen had heard about what happened to Lotus Pier. He had heard about how Jiang Wanyin was rebuilding it with his own bare hands.

Lan Xichen had always thought Jiang Wanyin looked so strong.

Lan Xichen doesn’t know if he could do the same thing as Jiang Wanyin if he was in his position.

When the Cloud Recesses burned, Lan Xichen at least had his shufu and his didi  to help him rebuild.

Jiang Wanyin didn’t have anyone . Jiang Yanli was in Lanling expecting a child anyday now and he didn’t even have Wei Wuxian until a couple weeks ago.

And by the way Wei Wuxian is acting, Lan Xichen is not even sure if Jiang Wanyin really has him back either.

Lan Xichen has been receiving a letter from Yunmeng every few days now during his seclusion.

The letters have started to drift away from sect matters into personal ones. Sect Leader Lan has morphed into Xichen and Sect Leader Jiang into Wanyin.

Lan Xichen finds himself talking with Wanyin about things he had never told anyone before.

He talked about his A-Niang.

He talked about Wangji’s seclusion.

He talked about his A-Die.

He talked about Da-ge.

He talked about Jin Guangyao.

Wanyin doesn’t dive nearly as much into the personal like Lan Xichen does.

But Wanyin always replies with such thoughtfulness and gentle questions.

Lan Xichen doesn’t know when he’s started to measure time using the letters.

But what he does know is that he can’t stop smiling.

He’s even started to pick up Liebing again.

Except—

Except something has changed with Wanyin’s letters.

Lan Xichen isn’t really sure when it started but what he does know is that the letters have started to sound more final.

He’s tried to write out his concerns, except—

Except Lan Xichen couldn’t seem to find the words.

He couldn’t find any concrete reasons for his concerns. The most Lan Xichen had was a bad feeling.

Lan Xichen watches Wangji get whipped bloody because of Wei Wuxian.

Lan Xichen closes his eyes.

Lan Xichen had watched Jiang Wanyin carry Jiang Yanli’s bloody  body off the battlefield because of Wei Wuxian too.

Lan Xichen looks out his window and watches the rain beat down the flowers in front of the H anshi.

And then Lan Xichen realizes—

He’s been sleeping well for weeks now.

Lan Xichen doesn’t feel trapped in his own mind any more. Instead—

Instead— Lan Xichen wants to go outside.

He wants to see Wanyin.

He wants to look into those beautiful blue eyes and see Zidian and it’s purple sparks. He wants to pull Wanyin into a hug and thank him.

He wants to lead his sect again. He wants to see Wangji’s happiness with Wei Wuxian with his own eyes. He wants to see the juniors again. He wants to see his shufu's scowls at their antics.

He wants to leave seclusion.

Lan Xichen picks up Shouyue for the first time in weeks.

And he walks out the door.

Lan Xichen was still talking with his shufu when he hears footsteps rushing towards his shufu's study.

That’s the only warning he gets before the doors of the study are flung open by Wei Wuxian followed closely by Wangji.

“Xichen-ge! You’ve left seclusion! I missed you!”

Lan Xichen offers up a gentle smile and moves to walk towards his didi and his paramour but—

“There is no running in the Cloud Reccesses!”

Everyone in the room turns towards Lan Xichen’s shufu in silence.

Lan Xichen wonders how the vein on shufu's forehead hasn’t burst yet.

It only takes a second more for Lan Xichen to burst out laughing.

When Lan Xichen finally pulls himself together, he’s met with with his shufu's stunned expression, Wei Wuxian’s megawatt smile, and Wangji’s soft eyes.

His smile grows even wider.

“I’ve missed you all.”

Lan Xichen can see his didi's face soften minutely.

“We missed you too xiongzhang.”

The cultivation conferences after the Sunshot Campaign ended are an interesting affair.

The air between Da-ge and A-Yao has become increasingly frigid. Even Lan Xichen is finding it difficult to mediate between the two.

He also notices that Jiang Wanyin has made quite the reputation for himself.

Whatever you do, do not go against Yunmeng Jiang. Do not think about harming Lotus Pier. Most importantly, do not ever anger Sandu Shengshou. You will not come out unscathed.

But Lan Xichen also notices that Jiang Wanyin shows up to the conferences alone, he presents alone, and he leaves alone.

Jiang Wanyin was always alone.

Sliding back into the role of sect leader is a lot easier than Lan Xichen thought it would be.

He’s working through some correspondence when one from Laning Jin  causes him to pause.

Sect Leader Lan,

I’ve heard that you’ve ended your seclusion. Your presence in the cultivation world has been missed. I am writing you to ask for a favor. I’ve heard that Gusu is known for their medical texts on emotional and mental states. If you could send over any readings you would seem fitting, that would be greatly appreciated. I will see you at the next cultivation conference.

Sincerely,

Sect Leader Jin

Lan Xichen doesn’t fail to notice the shakiness in some of the characters. But he has never been close enough to Jin Rulan to be able to comment on it.

He sends the letter off to the healing quarters and has them decide which readings would be most appropriate to send.

Lan Xichen doesn’t think much else of it and continues through the rest of the correspondence.

Lan Xichen is donning his formal robes. It’s the first cultivation conference since Lan Xichen has left seclusion and it was being held in Gusu.

He’ll get to see Wanyin today.

Lan Xichen pretends that he doesn’t spend extra time on his hair. He pretends that he doesn’t pay extra attention to his forehead ribbon and hair pins.

The last letter Lan Xichen received from Yumeng, Wanyin had told him that he would like to talk to him after the conference and Lan Xichen had been counting down the days until the conference ever since.

The last letter had also made Lan Xichen feel unnerved. There was something off about the tone, some of the characters were shaky and it looked like water had dripped onto the letter in a couple of places.

But Lan Xichen would be seeing him soon, so he could just ask in person.

Lan Xichen takes one final look in the mirror and turns away to walk out of the Hanshi.

Maybe he’s just projecting his nervousness about his first public appearance since leaving seclusion.

Wanyin knows that he could tell Lan Xichen anything.

Right?

Ji ang Wanyin announces his heir at the conference.

Lan Xichen can’t stop himself from gaping at Wanyin from across the room.

Lan Xichen doesn’t remember Wanyin’s eyes being this dull before.

Something is not right.

Even when Lan Xichen had entered seclusion, he had not named an heir.

Lan Xichen looks around the room to see if anyone else notices how wrong the situation is and he can see the terror filling in Jin Rulan’s eyes. He can see the worry flooding Wei Wuxian’s.

Something is wrong. This is not normal. What are you doing Wanyin?

Lan Xichen holds his tongue and tries to meet Wanyin’s eyes.

There is an eerie calm in those blue eyes and Lan Xichen hates it.

The conference moves forward, but Lan Xichen feels stuck in that moment.

Something is wrong.

“ You look good Xichen.”

Lan Xichen whips his head around to see purple robes and those very dim blue eyes looking back at him.

They have never been this dim before.

Something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is wrong.

Lan Xichen can’t even blush at the compliment because he’s too busy fighting down the terror climbing up his throat.

“Thank you Wanyin. And please, call me Lan Huan. We’ve been talking as friends for a while now, we can do away with some of the formalities,”

Lan Xichen is grasping at the surprise that comes into Wanyin’s eyes.

Because the surprise in Wanyin’s eyes is a much better sight than the emptiness that seems to be flooding them.

It doesn’t last though, the emptiness quickly swallowing up any response Lan Xichen’s words had brought.

Lan Xichen feels that familiar hopelessness settling into his bones. He hasn’t felt like this since he had first stepped into seclusion.

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

“ Ah, well Lan Huan, I wanted to give you something before I had to leave.”

Lan Xichen frowns.

“You can’t stay for a cup of tea Wanyin? It’s getting late, you could always spend the night at the Cloud Recesses.”

Something in Lan Xichen is telling him not to let Wanyin out of his sight right now.

But Wanyin only shakes his head and smiles sadly.

Why does he look so calm? Why are his eyes so dim? Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

“I’ve got some matters to settle back in Lotus Pier. I’m afraid I can’t stay for much longer. I’ve been putting it off for long enough now.”

Lan Xichen can only watch helplessly as Wanyin moves to unwrap his clarity bell from those purple robes.

He can only stare blankly at the bell being handed to him. He hasn’t even moved his hands to grab it yet.

When he takes to long, Wanyin just sighs and shoves the bell into Lan Xichen’s hands.

Lan Xichen can’t even savor the warmth of having Wanyin’s hands in his because all he can feel is the coldness swallowing up his heart.

This is not right. Something is wrong. Wanyin what are you—

“I wanted you to have this. We can’t have you going back into seclusion again. This can help keep you grounded when the thoughts become too much. It’s pulled me out of some dark times.”

Lan Xichen wants to shove the bell back into Wanyin’s hands. Something is wrong. He should say something. Anything. Something is very very wrong.

But when Lan Xichen tries to refuse the gift, Wanyin only brings his hands behind his back and gives him that wretched smile.

“Isn't one of your rules to not be rude to guests? Returning gifts is very rude.”

Lan Xichen wants to scream.

“ Thank you.” He says numbly.

He tries one more time to make Wanyin spend the night, but Wanyin just smiles that sad smile of his and looks at him with those cold empty blue eyes.

“Goodnight Wanyin.” He says in the end.

“Goodbye Lan Huan.”

Lan Xichen can only watch helplessly as Wanyin turns his back and walks out of the Cloud Recesses alone.

Lan Xichen feels a hole opening up in his chest.

Wanyin had always been alone. Why was he always alone?

Lan Xichen is working through some more paperwork in the Hanshi when he pauses and pulls out the clarity bell.

He traces his fingers over the inscriptions and feels the wisps of Wanyin’s qi circling the bell.

What do you mean by this Wanyin?

Lan Xichen had paid attention during his inter-clan lessons. He knew how important clarity bells were for Yunmeng Jiang.

He knew what it meant to give it to someone as well.

Lan Xichen is still trying to sort through his thoughts when he hears rushing footsteps and the door to the Hanshi is almost broken through.

Lan Xichen looks up in shock as he sees Wei Wuxian burst into the room followed closely behind by Jin Rulan and two members of Yunmeng Jiang.

Jin Rulan has tears streaming down his face and everyone else looks like they are about to join him.

Wei Wuxian has a haunted look in his eyes when he finally opens his mouth.

“Jiang Cheng is missing.”

The clarity bell starts ringing and Lan Xichen watches Wei Wuxian drop his gaze towards it.

“Where did you get that?”

And Lan Xichen just feels helpless.

“ Wanyin gave it to me at the last cultivation conference.”

Jin Rulan breaks into a sob and turns his head away to try and hide it. Wei Wuxian pales suddenly. Lan Xichen notices that the two Yumeng Jiang members have started to cry.

Lan Xichen feels like he’s drowning.

Lan Xichen watches Wei Wuxian steel himself for what he says next.

“ I think Jiang Cheng needs help.”

Lan Xichen had always known that his family was cursed when it came to love.

He had foolishly hoped that he would be spared.

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng watches the birds fly across the sky. He listens to the wind brushing up against the leaves of the surrounding trees. He feels rocks crunch up against his shoes as he makes his way down the street. He smells the morning dew from the leaves and grass. He can taste the lotus seed buns being made in the market, as the steam wafted into the air.

It really is a lovely day.

The sounds of the bustling market begin to fade as Jiang Cheng makes his way out of Lotus Pier.

Eventually the path narrows and Jiang Cheng finds himself walking into the forest, with the sound of gravel crunching underneath his shoes his only company.

He goes to twist Zidian around his finger like usual but—

Oh right. He had left Zidian back at Lotus Pier.

Jiang Cheng hears something rustling in the trees and moves his hand to grab Sandu —

He had left his sword at Lotus Pier as well.

The rustling grows louder and louder and Jiang Cheng feels an uneasiness growing in him until finally—

A dog jumps out of the bushes and parks himself right in front of him.

Jiang Cheng blinks.

The dog only sticks her tongue out and starts to pant.

He kneels down to be eye-level with the dog and slowly puts his hand out.

The dog immediately buts her head against Jiang Cheng’s hand, and before he knows it, he finds himself pushed to the ground, with a dog eagerly licking his face.

It’s been a while since this had happened to him.

It’s nice.

It’s been a while since Jiang Cheng had felt like that too.

Eventually the dog calms down and moves to lie her head on his chest, bright green eyes staring into his.

Jiang Cheng looks up to the sky, pinned to the ground, with a dog panting on his chest.

It’s heavy.

Everything—

Everything is just—

Too god damn heavy.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t remember when it started.

He doesn’t remember when the weight first settled into his chest, burying itself into his heart.

He doesn’t remember when it became harder to go to sleep. He doesn’t remember when it became harder to wake up too.

He doesn’t remember when the tiredness began.

He doesn’t remember when the numbness began either.

He doesn’t remember when darkness in his mind had managed to bleed into everything he touched.

He’s doesn’t remember when he stopped caring about when it all started either.

The sky has started to darken by the time Jiang Cheng manages to get himself out from the under the dog.

He gives the dog one last scratch behind the ears before he gets up and continues further into the woods.

Except the dog is still following him.

Jiang Cheng turns around to face the dog, only to find that she stopped as soon as he turned around.

He stares at the dog for a moment before turning around to continue down the path.

The dog is still following him.

Jiang Cheng stops and takes a deep breath before turning around again.

The dog has stopped once again and has her tongue hanging out of her mouth panting.

“Go on girl. Go on”

The dog only tilts her head in response.

Jiang Cheng hangs his head and sighs.

He moves to grab a branch and throws it down the path, trying to get the dog to chase it.

The dog doesn’t even flinch.

Jiang Cheng brings his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Look girl. You can’t follow me. Go back home. You don’t want to go where I’m heading.”

The only response is the dog walking up right in front of his shoes and staring at him with those bright green eyes.

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh.

“Fine. Do what you want, just go home afterwards, alright?”

The dog jumps up and barks, her tail wagging happily in response.

Jiang Cheng sighs once more, turns around again, and continues walking.

The dog now trots right next to him, brushing up against Jiang Cheng’s legs every once in a while.

A little company until the end couldn’t hurt.

It’s a lot easier to notice the darkness in other people once you’ve felt it’s coldness in yourself.

Jiang Cheng watches his head disciple pour over the reports for the third time.

When he’s only met with a look of confusion, Jiang Cheng knows he’s going to have to point it out to his Head Disciple.

The look that appears on Jiang Mingyu’s face is one of horror and Jiang Cheng almost feels like he can feel the same thing vicariously through his head disciple.

Except Jiang Cheng has been numb for a while now.

Seeing how quickly his head disciple gathers his things and rounds up the juniors, Jiang Cheng knows that Yunmeng Jiang will be in good hands with Jiang Mingyu.

He wanted Lotus Pier to thrive even when he no longer couldn’t.

When it turned out to only be a resentful spirit, Jiang Cheng was relieved.

But it also meant that Jiang Cheng was still stuck in the darkness alone.

Night had fallen by the time Jiang Cheng reached his destination.

It was a small lake, hidden in the woods with a single dock along the edge.

His mother had brought him here once.

This place held one of the few good memories Jiang Cheng held of his A-Niang.

They had spent the entire night skipping stones across the lake.

On one throw Jiang Cheng had stepped too close to the edge of the dock and had almost fallen in.

His A-Niang had just managed to grab his robes before he would have fallen in.

“A-Cheng be careful, this lake is very deep.”

There weren’t many memories like that for Jiang Cheng.

His A-Niang had been a powerful woman and a strong cultivator.

But she had been a cold parent.

So Jiang Cheng had clung to the warmth whenever he could.

Jiang Cheng makes his way down the dock, the dog following close behind him, and sits down with his feet dipping into the water.

He starts to pet the dog absentmindedly and looks up at the sky to see the stars decorate the night sky.

After gazing his fill, Jiang Cheng closed his eyes and raised a shaky hand to his chest.

He makes the motion to seal off his qi and feels the coldness sweep through his entire body.

Jiang Cheng fights back the rising panic but—

This coldness is not unfamiliar. He’s felt it twice in this lifetime now. This time marks it for the third and final time.

Shuddering through it, Jiang Cheng opens his eyes to see that the dog has placed her head in his lap and has started whining.

“Don’t worry girl. It’ll be over soon.”

The first time Jiang Cheng couldn’t feel his golden core is when it was burned out of him.

He still remembers the searing pain of it, he remembers the coldness that flooded his body afterwards.

But he couldn’t bring himself to regret it.

When Jiang Cheng had seen the Wen soldiers heading towards Wei Wuxian in the streets, he knew the decision was already made.

Jiang Cheng needed to protect his family.

So he stepped out into the street and yelled out to the soldiers.

Even when the soldiers had dragged him through the streets, even when they had chained him up and tortured him with discipline whips, even when they starved him—

Jiang Cheng couldn’t bring himself to feel any regret.

But he had felt anger. He felt rage.

But he also felt tired.

When Jiang Cheng gave Wei Wuxian his clarity bell back, he thought that he would have felt more about it.

He only felt calm.

But when Wei Wuxian asked Jiang Cheng for calligraphy, he had felt a twinge of something.

Except it had been a while since Jiang Cheng had been able to do calligraphy.

He had tried to.

Jiang Cheng sat at his desk, pulled out the paper, the ink, the brush.

He tries to remember the feeling he got when he used to do it.

Except—

Except he couldn’t seem to grasp at the memory of how it felt.

After so many attempts of bringing himself to paint anything, Jiang Cheng just stopped trying.

Jiang Cheng didn’t mean to pick out the plate.

He had just been going through the inventory when it caught his eye.

It was a simple block, no inscriptions yet.

Before he realizes it, Jiang Cheng has already inscribed a lotus flower onto it.

He doesn’t know why he did it.

But he does know that it felt right.

When the chills have finally abated, Jiang Cheng looks down at the lake.

He watches how his shoes cause ripples to shoot out across the lake.

He notices how quiet it is out here. The only noises to accompany him are the panting of the dog beside him and the rustling of the trees.

Jiang Cheng reaches into his robes, pulls out a bottle and turns it over in his hands.

He knew that he didn’t need the sleeping draught. There were other ways to go about what Jiang Cheng was planning to do.

But Jiang Cheng remembers how peaceful his disciple had looked after taking it.

And for once in his life, Jiang Cheng wanted something to be easy.

When Jiang Cheng was handed the box by the disciple, he really did plan on bringing it straight to Liqin- jie.

Except Jiang Cheng tripped over one of the boards of the dock and dropped the box.

The box had opened and one of the bottles had rolled out.

This—this was the sleeping draught.

Jiang Cheng picked up the box and the bottle and moved to put it back in the box when—

What if—

No one would notice right?

When Liqin-jie had knocked on his door in the middle of the night, Jiang Cheng has been rolling the bottle around in his hands.

He shoved the bottle underneath his pillow before making his way over to the door.

He hadn’t lied when he responded to Liqin- jie.

But he hadn’t told the truth either.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t remember when he started saying goodbye instead of goodnight.

As Jiang Cheng rolls the bottle around in his hands, he doesn’t fail to notice how it doesn’t clink against anything.

That’s because Zidian is sitting in the drawer next to his bed.

He’s been staring at the bottle for a while now, watching how the glass is glinting with the moonlight.

The dog licks his face and Jiang Cheng brings up his hand to wipe the cheek that now had dog saliva all over it.

“You’re a cheeky little thing aren’t you?”

The dog only waves her tail in response.

She reminds him of Fairy.

Jiang Cheng had never felt more out of depth than when he had brought a crying baby back with him to Lotus Pier.

How was he supposed to do this?

Jiang Cheng has lost his parents, he had watched his home burn to the ground, he had felt his golden core be ripped out of him, he had seen his shixiong be ripped apart from the resentful energy, he had just carried A-jie’s dead body from the field hours ago.

All of that was nothing compared to the sheer panic Jiang Cheng was feeling right now.

He didn’t know how to do this.

How was he supposed to raise a child when he could barely keep himself together?

Jiang Cheng tried. He really did. He tried to give Jin Ling the childhood that was ripped away from the babe because of this war.

Jiang Cheng knew that he wasn’t the perfect person to raise A-Ling.

It should’ve been that peacock and A-jie.

But the dead weren’t coming back.

But Jiang Cheng had tried his damn best to make sure his nephew was loved.

When his nephew had tried to make him spend the night in Lanling, Jiang Cheng almost turned around.

But Jiang Cheng, simply put, was just tired.

He had seen how well his nephew had come into his own as a sect leader. He saw how A-Ling stood tall but still listened to those around him.

He saw how he had been making friends with those Lan juniors lately and Jiang Cheng’s heart just grew because he knew the boy he had raised wouldn’t be alone.

Jiang Cheng had even seen Wei Wuxian make an effort to be in A-Ling’s life.

Jiang Cheng knew that his nephew would be alright.

But even knowing all of that, he still couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye to the little boy who had been his sunlight for years.

He hoped that Jin Ling would forgive him one day.

Jiang Cheng unscrewed the cap and peered inside the bottle.

It looked so pretty for something so deadly.

But Jiang Cheng is already very well acquainted with how beautiful death can look sometimes.

He takes one last look around the lake, taking it all in for one last time before downing the bottle in one go.

He expected his clarity bell to start ringing loudly into the night except—

He didn’t have that anymore either.

He had told Lan Xichen about this place in one of his letters.

When Jiang Cheng finds out the truth about his— no—Wei Wuxian’s golden core, he just wants to throw up.

To figure out that something so essential to his entire identity wasn’t even his is revolting.

He wants to rip it out with his bare hands. He would take the coldness, the numbness, anything, over this alien core inside of him.

Jiang Cheng wants to run away from all of this except he can’t run away from his own damn body.

He didn’t want this.

He never asked for this.

He never asked for any of this.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know when the correspondence between Lan Xichen and him became less about sect matters and more about each other.

Jiang Cheng had always looked at Lan Xichen and marveled at how he seemed to carry himself.

A gentle smile, a pleasant demeanor, a welcoming air around him.

Jiang Cheng was pretty sure that he could never manage to gather the broken pieces of himself to even form a semblance of that.

He’s too harsh. He’s too blunt. He’s too angry. He’s just not whole enough for any of this.

Giving Lan Xichen his clarity bell was one of the easiest decisions Jiang Cheng had ever made.

If Jiang Cheng was being honest, he just didn’t want to see somebody else lose themselves like he already had.

If—

If Jiang Cheng could help—

If he could do one last thing before—

That would be enough.

Jiang Cheng gives the dog one last pat before he pushes himself off the docks and into the cold water.

He feels the water rush over his head.

He feels the darkness in his mind start to fade.

It feels nice.

Jiang Cheng can distantly hear barking and whining, but he only sinks deeper into lake.

He can feel the draught starting to take effect.

It’s calming.

All of death is a coming home.

Maybe in his next life, Jiang Cheng would be able to stay.

But there isn't going to be a next life after he's done here.

The water is too cold.

It’s too cold.

It’s no longer a quiet embrace.

There is only panic.

Jiang Cheng sluggishly opens his eyes and out of reflex opens his mouth, only to have the cold water flood his lungs.

He’s choking and he can feel the draught making all of his movements sluggish.

He needs—

He needs—

He needs to get out.

He needs to breathe.

Jiang Cheng frantically tries to move up to the surface, but it’s so hard and he’s moving so slowly.

He finally breaks the surface and makes a grab for the dock.

But the draught is starting it’s final dance and Jiang Cheng can only hold on for so much longer.

Jiang Cheng can feel his grip slipping.

Nonononononononononono

Somebody—

Anybody—

Help.

Jiang Cheng loses his grip and slides back into the water.

Why was he alone? Why was he always alone?

A hand is shooting into the water and hauling Jiang Cheng up.

All of a sudden the water that was drowning him before is gone and replaced with the cold air of the night.

He looks up and is met with those golden eyes and white robes.

Jiang Cheng can vaguely hear the frantic worrying in front of him and sees that there is more than one person here but—

But he needs to throw up.

Jiang Cheng pushes away those white robes and is leaning over the dock.

He shoves his fingers down the back of his throat, tears streaming down his face.

Please—

Please I don’t want to die.

The draught finally makes an appearance as Jiang Cheng hurls into the lake.

The last thing Jiang Cheng remembers is falling onto the dock with a dog licking his face.

Why wasn’t it peaceful?

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng’s first memory is of the Lotus Pier docks.

For as long as he can remember, he had always been drawn to them, reaching down into the water to play with the lotuses.

Some of Jiang Cheng’s most important memories have happened on these piers.

He had met Wei Wuxian on them.

He had seen A-jie off when she had to go to Lanling on them.

He had seen his parents die on them.

He had seen these very piers burn.

And then he had helped rebuild them with his own hands.

He had seen off so many of his disciples on these docks.

He had walked across them, holding his nephew in arms, singing softly into the night when sleep eluded them both.

Jiang Cheng loves these piers.

He just doesn’t know when they started to haunt him.

The first thing Jiang Cheng notices is that he is no longer on the dock.

He couldn’t be. Whatever he was lying on was too soft.

Jiang Cheng can’t open his eyes just yet, but starts to bring his arms up when—

Was that fur?

When Jiang Cheng finally manages to peel his eyes open, he find his hand on top of a sleeping dog.

How the—

“She wouldn’t stop following us. She wouldn’t stop barking until we let her climb up into the cot with you. She gave Wei Wuxian quite a scare.”

Jiang Cheng turns his head and stares blearily at Liqin-jie. He moves to sit up and looks around some more.

He’s back in Lotus Pier. He’s in the healing quarters.

Liqin-jie holds out a cup to Jiang Cheng. He takes it with a muttered thank you and quietly sips at it.

Liqin-jie only nods her head in response before taking her seat right next to his cot.

Jiang Cheng continues to sip at his cup when he peers over it and promptly, spits out his tea

Sprawled out across the healing quarters are the sleeping bodies of his nephew, head disciple, Wei Wuxian, and Lan Xichen.

“What the—“

Liqin-jie cuts him off with a gentle hand to his wrist.

“Let them sleep, I had to knock them all out after the second day.”

That’s when Jiang Cheng notices the dark circles under Liqin-jie’s eyes.

“How long?”

Jiang Cheng feels the hand on his wrist tremble.

“Four days.”

Jiang Cheng can only gape at her.

“We were almost too late. The draught was in your bloodstream for too long. We didn’t know if you’d make it to Lotus Pier.”

Jiang Cheng watches how Liqin-jie’s become wet with unshed tears.

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs

The tears make their escape and fall down Liqin-jie’s cheeks.

“No Sect Leader. I am sorry.”

Liqin-jie’s shaky hands come up to wipe away her tears.

“Sect Leader, we don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.”

Jiang Cheng can feel his eyes begin to tear up.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Liqin- jie”

Liqin-jie only looks at him with her soft eyes.

“Then we’ll figure it out together Sect Leader.”

Jiang Cheng brings his hand up to keep the sob from breaking out of his mouth.

“Ok Liqin- jie.”

And Liqin-jie just takes the cup from his hands and moves to sit next to him on the cot.

She gently pulls Jiang Cheng into her arms and doesn’t say anything when he wraps his arms around her tightly and sobs into her chest.

When Jiang Cheng finally gets his sobs under control he realizes that he had forgotten something.

“Thank you Liqin-jie. Thank you.”

Jiang Cheng only feels Liqin-jie bring a hand up to his hair and run her hands through it soothingly.

“There is nothing to thank me for Sect Leader. Doing this goes without saying.”

Jiang Cheng just closes his eyes and lets himself drift off to sleep to her gentle murmurings.

Jiang Cheng is sitting by his bedroom window, watching the boats drift in and out of the pier.

He is broken out of his reverie by a dog licking his face. He looks to the culprit and gives her a glare.

When the only response is those green eyes peering up at him, Jiang Cheng just sighs and brings his hands up to rub behind her ears.

He looks over to his desk where he sees Liqin-jie working through some of her paperwork.

He had been allowed to go back to his room after Liqin-jie had given him the all-clear. But she insisted that he shouldn’t be alone and that he always have someone around him for the foreseeable future. She also mentioned something about not wanting to overwhelm him and keeping it to one person at a time.

Jiang Cheng didn’t really mind, but he was bored.

When he tried to pull out some correspondence to work through, it was taken out of his hands and Jiang Cheng was met with a stern gaze from Liqin- jie.

“ You will not be handling sect matters for a little while. Find something else to occupy yourself.”

But Jiang Cheng didn’t really know what to do.

So he sat by the window and looked out at  the lakes.

After a couple of hours, Jiang Cheng hears Liqin-jie gathering her things and moving to leave the room.

He looks over to see her looking at him with gentle eyes.

“Take care Sect Leader.”

Jiang Cheng offers a soft smile.

“I’ll try Liqin- jie.”

He watches her leave his bedroom and turns his head back towards the window.

It’s only when he hears the door sliding open that he turns around to see who is next visitor was.

He’s met with his nephew barging in with a stack of books and notes so tall that Jiang Cheng could barely see the top of A-Ling’s head.

Jiang Cheng feels his throat close up.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have the words.

He had never planned on showing his nephew the darkness that had seeped into Jiang Cheng’s bones.

He had wanted to shield A-Ling from all of it, he didn’t want to darken his little sun with the shadows of his broken soul.

The choice to say the first words was taken away from Jiang Cheng when his nephew plops the books onto his desk and he immediately starts to pull out the notes.

“Mingyu-xiong and I will be handling sect matters for the next couple of weeks.”

Jiang Cheng feels his throat open up a little and croaks out.

“Jin Ling”

“After a couple of weeks you can start slowly picking up the work again.”

“Jin Ling”

“After that, we all decided that every two weeks you’ll spend a weekend in Lanling and Gusu on a rotating basis. The texts suggested that changing locations can help.”

“Jin Ling”

“The texts also said that journaling could help, so you should start to keep one.”

“A-Ling”

“The books also said that taking breaks and having hobbies was important. You like calligraphy right? I’ve seen the ones you’ve tried to hide away Jiujiu.”

When it becomes clear that his nephew would not be stopping anytime soon, Jiang Cheng moves from the window to crouch next to him.

He places a gentle hand on his nephew’s shoulder and he watches the tears fall from from A-Ling’s eyes to the notes open on the desk.

His nephew hasn’t looked up from his notes since he entered the room.

He looks at the books on the table and sees that there are notes sticking out of almost every page.

When his nephew still doesn’t respond, Jiang Cheng uses his hands to turn A-Ling towards him and pulls him into a hug.

That seems to break something in his nephew because the next thing he knew, those golden robes were sobbing into his chest.

“ Jiujiu you can’t do that again.” Jin Ling sobs.

Jiang Cheng can only murmur his apologies into his nephew’s hair as he rocks them gently.

“I won’t A-Ling. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

When his nephew pulls away from his arms, Jiang Cheng is already reaching up to wipe away the tears off Jin Ling’s cheeks.

“You look like a mess brat.”

Jin Ling chokes out a little laugh behind his sobs and reaches a hand out towards Jiang Cheng’s face to wipe away the tears he didn’t even know had fallen.

“You don’t look that much better old man.”

And at that, they both break into bitter chuckles.

“ Jiujiu I’m not a little kid anymore, I can help.”

Jiang Cheng looks at the young man in front of him and his heart fills with so much pride.

“Alright, brat. Let’s see the rest of your notes.”

When Jiang Cheng wakes up the next morning, it’s to the dog licking his face again.

“Do you know any other way to get my attention you little rascal?”

Jiang Cheng is startled by the crashing sounds in his room and when he finally makes it out of bed to see what happens, his met with Wei Wuxian hiding behind one of his curtains.

He must have come in when Jiang Cheng was asleep.

“Jiang Cheng the dog! The dog! Please!”

Jiang Cheng quickly moves the dog into the bathroom and slides the door closed behind him before turning around to face Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian slowly starts to come out from behind the curtain before coming out and fiddling with his hands.

There’s an awkward silence before Wei Wuxian ends it abruptly.

“I threw away the plate.” he blurts out.

Jiang Cheng only stares.

“Well, more like I picked it up and hurled it into the pier. I didn’t mean to! Actually no. I completely meant to. I tried to break it at first but the damn thing just wouldn’t crack. What are those things even made out of? You’d think that throwing it onto the ground would shatter it, but no, it just stayed completely fine. Then I tried to burn it, but that didn’t do anything either! So then I just gave up and chucked the thing into the lake.”

Jiang Cheng blinks in response.

Wei Wuxian looks down and starts to play with the clarity bell on his belt.

“You really scared us didi.”

Jiang Cheng finally seems to be able to open his mouth.

“Sorry.” He mutters

“Stop apologizing!” Wei Wuxian snaps.

Jiang Cheng takes a step back and Wei Wuxian’s eyes widen at that.

“Wait, no—I meant—sorry I just—“

Jiang Cheng watches as Wei Wuxian grabs at his hair, playing with the red ribbon in it.

“I just— I’m sorry. I should have said something. I should have noticed. I’m your shixiong! I promised to protect you. I should have done anything. I was the one who left in the first place and I don’t think I can ever make up for that. But I’m sorry Jiang Cheng.”

Jiang Cheng walks up to Wei Wuxian and looks him in the eyes.

“I never asked you to protect me.”

Jiang Cheng sees the tears starting to form in his shixiong’s eyes. He takes a deep breath before continuing.

“I know you have your own life with Hanguang-jun in the Cloud Recesses. I’m not asking you to give that up. I can see how happy he makes you. But just—just come home every once in a while ok? A-Jie  is gone and she’s not coming back. You’re the only one left gege .”

Jiang Cheng is suddenly wrapped up in a tight hug and finds himself with a babbling Wei Wuxian.

“I can do that didi. I can do that.”

Wei Wuxian pulls away and with a bright smile continues his babbling.

“Oh! When you come to the Cloud Recesses I can show you the bunnies! They’re so cute Jiang Cheng, so much better than dogs. Don’t think I won’t drag you around and show you all my hiding places from Lan-shifu. You’re going to spend so much time with me whether you like it or not!”

Jiang Cheng lets out a small chuckle.

“Who else would I be seeing there idiot?”

Wei Wuxian frowns a little at that remark and points to Jiang Cheng’s hair.

When Jiang Cheng first woke up in the healing quarters, he found that his hair was put in a simple braid. Too tired to deal with it, Jiang Cheng didn’t really pay any more attention to it since then.

But with Wei Wuxian pointing at it, Jiang Cheng pulls the end of his braid to to the front to look at it.

It’s tied off with a white ribbon with cloud motifs.

Jiang Cheng’s eyes bulge at the sight and feels his face turning bright red.

“What the—I don’t—How?— When did this happen?”

Jiang Cheng can see the sly smile creeping up on Wei Wuxian’s face and Jiang Cheng wants to strangle him.

“ Xichen-ge did it when we got back to Lotus Pier.”

Jiang Cheng’s mind is racing.

He hasn’t even looked at a mirror since he was allowed to go back to his rooms. That means—

Jiang Cheng puts his face in his hands.

“Liqin-jie and A-Ling didn’t say anything .” He groans.

Wei Wuxian only chuckles gleefully.

“You know Liqin-jie was only being polite and you know Jin Ling would rather gouge his own eyes out than ask about your love life.”

Jiang Cheng considers letting the dog out just so he could escape this situation.

“ What love life Wei Wuxian?” He growls.

Wei Wuxian just ignores him.

“Sooooo, the Lan brothers huh? They really did a number on us. Lan-shifu is never going to allow Yunmeng Jiang disciples into the Cloud Recesses again.”

Jiang Cheng grabs a pillow from his bed and launches it at his shitty gege.

“Get out you bastard!”

But the bastard only laughs and skips to the door.

“Mingyu! It’s your turn! Careful, he’s a little touchy right now!”

Jiang Mingyu walks into the room cautiously with wide eyes before taking a deep bow.

“Sect Leader.”

Jiang Cheng brings up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose

After letting out a deep sigh, Jiang Cheng looks at Jiang Mingyu’s eyes that were flooding with confusion.

“How do you feel about a walk right now Head Disciple?”

Jiang Cheng hears a bark from the bathroom.

The dog is racing back and forth from Jiang Cheng to the edge of the docks.

She hasn’t stopped wagging her tail since they began their journey through Lotus Pier.

The low hum of moving disciples and the boats out on the lakes are soothing to Jiang Cheng’s ears.

They started their walk during a time where everyone was mostly done with their day and were inside. Jiang Cheng only saw a few people meandering about here and there while they were walking.

Jiang Mingyu had just offered his silent company so far on this walk and Jiang Cheng was thankful for it.

Sometimes, it was just nice to exist without any expectations.

The silence is broken when Jiang Mingyu suddenly stops and breaks into a bow.

“Sect Leader, This disciple is honored that you chose me as your heir, but this disciple really don’t want to lead Lotus Pier anytime soon."

Jiang Cheng looks his head disciple’s bowed head pets the top of the dog’s head absentmindedly.

“Jiang Mingyu do you know why I chose you?”

Jiang Mingyu raises from his bow and looks at Jiang Cheng with confusion.

“It’s because you look at the piers like I do. You look at Lotus Pier and you treat it like a home. Something you want to protect. This place needs someone like that.”

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath before continuing.

“I just didn’t realize that you considered me part of Lotus Pier too.”

Jiang Cheng suddenly has his arms full with his head disciple.

“I will always follow you Sect Leader.”

Jiang Cheng wraps his arms around Jiang Mingyu and sighs.

“Thank you Jiang Mingyu. Thank you”

The stars are out by the time Jiang Cheng and Jiang Mingyu make it back to his room.

Standing outside of his door in his pristine white robes is Lan Xichen.

Jiang Cheng can’t take his eyes away from those kind golden eyes. He can feel Jiang Mingyu give a quick bow and scurry down the hall.

When Jiang Cheng is able to tear his eyes away, it’s only to look at Lan Xichen’s forehead.

His empty forehead. Because Lan Xichen’s forehead ribbon was currently wrapped in Jiang Cheng’s hair.

When it becomes apparent that neither one of them were going to make the first move, Jiang Cheng moves past Lan Xichen to enter his room. He tosses a look over his shoulder.

“Are you going to come in? Or are you planning on sleeping outside tonight Xichen?”

That seems to startle Lan Xichen out of his haze and he gracefully enters the room, closing the door behind him.

“I thought I told you to call me Lan Huan, Wanyin.”

Jiang Cheng blushes and turns his face away in an attempt to hide it.

“You’re right Lan Huan. You did tell me that.”

Jiang Cheng goes through the motions of getting ready for bed in order to distract himself from the fact that Lan Huan is in his bedroom right now.

Jiang Cheng points to the bathroom while he busies himself with making the bed.

“You can get ready for bed in there Lan Huan.”

He hears Lan Huan quietly utter out a thank you before the bathroom door slides closed behind him.

Jiang Cheng sits on the bed, burying his face into his hands when a dog’s tongue is licking at them.

He peers out from his hands to look into bright green eyes.

“What am I supposed to do here huh? Do you have any idea?”

The dog only wags her tail in response.

Jiang Cheng sighs and gets under the covers. When he hears the bathroom door slide open, he closes his eyes and waits in apprehension.

When the only sounds are rustling robes and creaking floorboards, Jiang Cheng opens his eyes and sees Lan Huan trying to make a bed on the floor.

“Lan Huan”

Lan Huan stops his attempts of making a bed on the floor and looks up at Jiang Cheng.

“Yes, Wanyin?”

“What are you doing?”

Jiang Cheng sees the slightest blush appear on Lan Huan’s cheeks.

“I didn’t want to assume. The floor is quite comfortable I’ll be fine—“

“Lan Huan”

“Yes Wanyin?”

“Get in the damn bed.”

“Ok Wanyin.”

Jiang Cheng watches as Lan Huan gets under the covers and turns on his side to face Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng turns on his side to mirror Lan Huan, placing his hands under his head.

“I almost lost you Wanyin” Lan Huan whispers.

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes.

“I’m still here Lan Huan. I’m sorry”

Jiang Cheng’s eyes fly open when feels a hand caress his cheek.

He’s met with soft golden eyes and a sad smile.

“Don’t apologize. You were keeping me from drowning the entire time I was in seclusion and I couldn’t even get you to stay for a cup of tea Wanyin.

Jiang Cheng brings a hand up to wipe away the tears falling down Lan Huan’s face.

“It’s not all on you Lan Huan. You were there in the end. That’s all that matters.” Jiang Cheng whispers.

Lan Huan closes his eyes at that and brings his forehead to touch Jiang Cheng’s.

“Thank you for fighting Wanyin”

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes.

“Thank you for finding me Lan Huan.”

When Jiang Cheng opens his eyes he’s met with such emotion swirling those golden eyes.

“I don’t know how to do this Lan Huan.”

They are so close to each other at this point that they have to be sharing the same breaths. Jiang Cheng can feel the warmth radiating from Lan Huan all along his body.

“That’s quite alright Wanyin. I don’t either.”

And with that, they both break into small chuckles.

When they manage to quiet down, Jiang Cheng can’t stop a thought from bursting through.

“You gave me your forehead ribbon.”

Lan Huan only raises an eyebrow in response.

“You gave me your clarity bell.”

Jiang Cheng blushes profusely at that and with them being so close together, there’s no where for him to hide.

“How are we supposed to explain this to the elders?”

Lan Huan seems to tilt his head in thought.

“I think, that I don’t care about what they think about it.”

Jiang Cheng can only stare at him.

“I thought you were supposed to be the responsible one Zewu-jun.”

“I’m supposed to be a lot of things Wanyin. But I don’t think I care about that anymore.”

The only possible response to that was for Jiang Cheng to kiss him.

Jiang Cheng clutches at those white robes and surges up to kiss those soft lips. He can feel Lan Huan respond to him and nip at his lips. Jiang Cheng feels a little hum escape his mouth as Lan Huan pushes deeper and all Jiang Cheng can do is submit to the feeling.

When they part, Jiang Cheng can only gaze into Lan Huan’s eyes and break into a giant smile.

“Go to sleep Wanyin. We can talk more in the morning.”

“Oh talking, that’s what we were doing. I’ve never talked like that before. Hey Lan Huan—“

Jiang Cheng feels a hand come up to his mouth and Jiang Cheng looks playfully up at Lan Huan.

“Go to sleep Wanyin.”

Jiang Cheng moves the hand from his mouth and turns himself into Lan Huan’s side, resting his face on Lan Huan’s chest. He can feel those strong arms wrap around him and play with his hair.

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and lets himself be lulled to sleep by Lan Huan’s heart beat.

When Jiang Cheng wakes up the next morning, he knows that it’s at an ungodly hour.

Even Lan Huan wasn’t up yet. Jiang Cheng slowly extricates himself from those white robes and makes his way to the window. The dog wakes up at the noise and plops herself right next to him when he settles down.

“I haven’t given you a name yet little rascal huh?”

The dog just licks his face in response.

“I think Baohu zhe suits you just fine.”

Baohu zhe jumps up at him and plops herself in his lap in response.

Jiang Cheng looks out the window.

He can still feel the darkness in his bones. It’s stains would probably never leave his heart.

But maybe he doesn't have to feel like he's drowning in it all the time.

Maybe—

He looks over at Lan Huan’s sleeping body and feels his heart warm at the sight.

And when Jiang Cheng wondered why he was still here, he could only smile.

He moves from the window and walks over to his desk, Baohu zhe following along.

He picks out the paper, the calligraphy brush, and the ink.

And he starts the first strokes of a character.