Chapter Text
Setting: Auditorium in the WYW Student Center, November. Stage equipment and scenery pieces are everywhere. Friday, one week until the play.
At Rise: Stage right, Toby and Drew are in costume and sword fighting one another fairly athletically. Stage left, Feste is quietly strumming his ukelele while sitting in a way that looks vaguely uncomfortable. Center stage, Malcolm is running lines with Maria.
MALCOLM : And though I am but a simple man with none of the great aspirations, talent, or social graces accorded to nobility, even I can see that my Lady doth decline these past three months.
MARIA: Declined in favor?
MALCOLM: Nay, fallen!
MARIA: How so?
MALCOLM: In love! Messengers woo and Lords scheme while I am left to manage this miserable household-
MARIA: That’s not in the script, Mal.
MALCOLM: I know not this Mal of which you speak, I am Malvolio, steward of the Contessa, manager of the house, and witness to the depravity of my brethren...
(looking to the side at TOBY, who is trying to balance her sword on top of her head)
MARIA: The line is ‘fallen to her demons, the worries that prey upon her mind, brought on through the occurrence of perilous schemes-
MALCOLM: But events are not unfolding as they were meant to. Worries of this nature have plagued me for many a fortnight now-
MARIA: What worries?
MALCOLM: That a society of professional thespians would fail in their sacred duty to bring an impactful story to the unwashed masses.
DREW: Are you implying that we’re not taking this seriously?
(TOBY drops her sword, prompting DREW to give her a dirty look before continuing)
We’ve been rehearsing for three months! I ran lines with you past midnight! I am wearing hose !
TOBY: I sprained my wrist! Well, Drew sprained my wrist.
DREW: I apologized.
MALCOLM: I am merely observing that there has been a notable lack of mental afflictions in this production.
MARIA: You didn’t actually think Olivia was going to have a mental breakdown on stage-
MALCOLM: Dedicated performers inhabit the role! But she does not deign to carry her misery around with her, no. She and Cesario laugh, disregard their roles beyond the scope of this room, go on lunch dates without the rest of the company when we need to continue rehearsals-
DREW: Back up, they’re going out?
MALCOLM: Taking valuable time away from working towards the perfection of this production, yes.
DREW: Mal. Straight answer for once in your life, are Cesario and my cousin going out?
MALCOLM: These concerns are beneath the dignity of a refined steward such as myself-
DREW: MALCOLM!
MALCOLM: How would I know, it’s not like I stalk her on Instagram-DAMMIT!
TOBY (whooping with joy): Nice one! Only took you three days to snap him out of character this time.
DREW: Dude, much as I appreciate the hype, please shut up for like five minutes while I interrogate him. Mal, what’s going on with Olivia and Cesario?
MALCOLM: (Massive groan) Look, ask Feste. All I know is that those two hang out a lot, and Cesario and Duke talk a lot, which pisses off Sebastian for some reason, ‘cause he ranted to me about it for fifteen minutes yesterday when I was busy working on my aghast expression-
MARIA: Mal, while you’re out of the zone-
MALCOLM (while squeezing his eyes shut and looking mildly constipated) : Everybody shut up, I have to center myself again now.
MARIA: No. Take a break for five minutes. Please. I need to go over Drew and Toby’s fight scene without your commentary. Go eat something and review your lines for the final act. You still have your special copy of the script right?
MALCOLM: Shhhhh...I’m almost there.
MARIA: Stay out of character for five minutes, I am actually begging you. You’re driving me insane, and if I go down, this whole play goes with me.
MALCOLM: Not true-
TOBY, MARIA, & DREW: Yes true.
TOBY: Jinx!
MARIA: Toby, the don’t-drive-the-director-insane-rule applies to you too.
TOBY: Okay, but I’m nowhere near being as supremely annoying as Mal.
MARIA: True, but-
MALCOLM: I take offense at that.
MARIA: Good, it was meant to be offensive. Just go get a snack. Five minutes. Go now.
MALCOLM: Allright, allright...do you think the vending machine has Twinkies?
(MALCOLM exits, MARIA watches him leave the stage)
MARIA: Praise Allah, he’s finally gone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dedication and some people could definitely take notes (staring meaningfully at TOBY), but he doesn’t have an off button and I am so tempted to smack him around a little until I find it.
DREW: Can I help, please?
TOBY: It’s a week ‘til opening night. Survive this, smack him after.
MARIA: He’s not even a bad guy, he’s just so…
DREW: Smackable.
MARIA: Exactly!
TOBY: So what if he’s a little bit of a theater kid? We’re all theatre kids. Sure, he might be theater kid extreme, but-
MARIA (now venting just a little) : And so nosy! I’m dealing with four different versions of the script here, trying to keep everyone involved and somewhat content and non-mutinous, but he keeps snooping around my extra copies!
TOBY: Director, not to point out the obvious, but what are you going to do once half the cast realizes they have conflicting scripts? I’m pretty sure Mal’s gonna notice when his character gets carted off to the asylum. And Duke’s really gonna notice when there’s not a wedding and Olivia kicks his ass when he tries to make a move on stage.
MARIA: Don’t worry, I got it all figured out. All the conflicting scenes are going to have at least one of us in them for damage control purposes, and essentially we’re gonna gaslight Mal and Duke into the correct version of the play once they can’t get out of it. And before you ask, it’s going to work because I need it to work. We’re filming this because cousins aren’t the only people who care about you, and also our funding for the spring depends on how well we pull this off. It’s gotta work.
DREW: Two comments. One, does this mean I get to soliloquize? Two, this plan seems morally dubious.
MARIA: Yes, you can soliloquize as long as you stay in character.
DREW: And the questionable morality?
MARIA: That’s showbiz, baby.
TOBY: None of this applies if one of you kills Mal before Friday. You should not do that.
DREW: He called me a wench the other day. Wench . Only reason I didn’t introduce him to some manners was ‘cause I was in costume and these things are dry clean only. I don’t have enough money to correct Mal everytime he says something stupid.
MARIA: How very economical of you.
FESTE: Why don’t we just prank him?
(various exclamations of surprise by MARIA, DREW, and TOBY as they realize that FESTE is in fact there. Possibly some cursing. Really, someone needs to put a bell on that man.)
MARIA: (muttering unflattering things under her breath for a moment) What was that?
FESTE (dramatically slowly, antagonizing her): Prank? Mal ? Yeah.
DREW: How?
MARIA: We could do literally anything, the man’s wound tighter than I am. And he does a lot less. Men are weak I tell you.
DREW:
I agree, but moving forward, what are we actually going to do?
FESTE: Change the play again. Not much, but all we gotta do is really sell Mal on the crazy version where he’s the star, which makes the actual version where he’s playing someone insane that much more realistic. Oh! And, okay, I just had this idea but it is brilliant, we can make Mal think the rest of the cast is in on his version, but they’re not. So even if he tries to ask them about it, they won’t know anything. I’m a genius you may applaud now-
MARIA: You know we can just...call everyone and get them in on this right? I have Olivia on speed dial.
DREW: Yeah, but she’ll agree with me that this is morally questionable but unlike me will not go along with it. But if it helps, I’m an English major who had a childhood obsession with calligraphy, I can totally copy her handwriting and writing style.
FESTE : That most certainly does help.
MARIA: Why are you making this more complicated than it needs to be?
(TOBY, DREW, and FESTE answer simultaneously):
TOBY: It’s fun.
FESTE: Upholds our plot relevance.
DREW: I’m bored and Mal is annoying.
MARIA: Fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! Fine! We’ll mess with Mal. But only because I desperately need serotonin! If this messes up opening night, all of you will be facing the wrath of me, yes Toby that means I will talk to your mother-
DREW: So what do you need the fake handwriting for?
FESTE: A very long, confusing, vaguely flirty letter-
TOBY: Dudes, shut up he’s coming back!
(MALCOLM enters, licking Twinkie filling off his fingers, like a heathen)
MALCOLM: Okay everyone, I’m almost back in character, who’s ready to take this from the top?
(a collective groan from MARIA, DREW, and TOBY)
End Scene.