Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Setting: A classroom in a community college, late Friday afternoon in August. Classroom desks have been rearranged into a rough semi-circle, the blackboard is blank except for a few doodles, vaguely inappropriate, but there is a large one of a ship.

At Rise:MARIA-a young Pakistani woman with a long braid-stands in the middle of the desks, paging through a notebook while waving a stack of papers around. She is obviously agitated. FESTE takes the papers from her, passing them around the circle to VIOLA, OLIVIA, DUKE, SEBASTIAN, TOBY, DREW, AND MALCOLM. They are all sitting atop the desks in ways that suggest none of them are heterosexual.

MARIA : Listen up my dear pathetic thespians! This is this year’s first meeting of the WYW Community College Drama Association. We will be doing introductions today because we actually have a new member. Toby has recruited the lovely Drew- 

(motioning for DREW to stand. Drew is a short African-American woman who thinks that wearing a Green Day t-shirt is all the political statement she needs to make). 

She has agreed to join this madness as a freshman despite our reputation, so everyone please be nice to her, you all know how hard it is to grow this program.

(TOBY and DREW throw up the ‘rock on’ sign)

MARIA : Drew, I’m Maria, senior Business Management major and chair of this illustrious organization. In order to maintain membership here you must keep your GPA over a 2.0, and any academic suspensions also apply to your participation in extracurriculars, so please, don’t do that. If you besmirch the name of this organization I will end you, that is all. 

DREW (slightly shocked, but rolling with it): Okay. 

TOBY (a tall young Asian woman with shaggy hair) : Just stick with me babe, you’ll be fine. 

(MALCOLM, MARIA, and FESTE all seem to know this as the lie it is, but none make any comment)

DREW: Cool. 

(DREW and TOBY bump fists while making various explosive noises)

MARIA : Now onto the subject of today’s meeting, the fall production. Following the recommendation of the lovely Olivia, 

(She indicates OLIVIA, a young African-American woman with tightly curled hair falling to her shoulders. She is doing homework but pauses to wave graciously)

we will be performing ‘The Lady of Illyria’, an (reading from paper) ‘examination of how the pressures of society drive capable women to madness’. Livi, is there something you need to get off your chest?

OLIVIA : I’m perfectly fine. Can we please get to assigning parts? I have work later and a paper to finish.

MARIA: (sighs) Olivia will be playing our leading lady, the Contessa du Illyria. Everyone else, look over the sheet I gave you-

DUKE (A pudgy African-American boy wearing pink sunglasses and a lot of hair product. His feet are up on the desk.): May I ask who is the love interest to the incomparable Olivia?

OLIVIA: You assume there’s a love interest.

DUKE: Darling, there’s always a love interest, and I’d love to fill the role. (He takes a long sip from an iced drink)

OLIVIA: Again with assuming there’s a love interest. A play can, and will, be about a woman’s agency, Duke.

SEBASTIAN (a young Puerto Rican man with curly hair around his ears; texting) : Yeah Duke, listen to the lady.

OLIVIA: Do not get involved in this Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN: Noted.

MARIA: Everyone just...read quietly. For five minutes. Please.

VIOLA (Sebastian’s identical twin, a young Puerto Rican woman with curly hair down to her waist): (Raising a hand) There’s nothing here except character descriptions and a setting.

MARIA: I haven’t bought the script yet. Which reminds me, everyone owes me ten bucks so we can buy and print the script. For now, just pick a character you like the sound of and we’ll work from there.

SEBASTIAN: Can I be-

MARIA: You may not. You still owe me last year’s dues. Not to mention you didn’t help at all with the spring fundraiser-

VIOLA: And you’ve been stranding me at home when you take the car every morning. Being a dick revokes your role-playing privileges. 

MARIA: It’s stage crew for you.

SEBASTIAN: Conspirators!

VIOLA: Just behave like a human being and we won’t have any problems.

SEBASTIAN: I’ll see you at home, (beat.) and I’m taking the car.

VIOLA : Dick!

MARIA: Seb, I want you back here tomorrow morning to discuss set sizing!

(SEBASTIAN exits, texting with one hand. With the other, he is giving VIOLA the finger, which she is returning)

DUKE: (to MARIA, as he stares at OLIVIA) Are we really going to be able to pull this off with just an uncooperative cast of eight? Everyone fun graduated already.

TOBY: We got no choice, Duke, it’s not like we can get them back here-can we? 

(She looks to MARIA hopefully)

MARIA: For the last time, Bea and Ben are not coming back. Please get used to it.

TOBY: But I miss them.

DUKE: No one answered my question. Look, if we’re just gonna mope about old productions I’m going home. I have poetry to work on. 

FESTE: You mean you have a depressed pining playlist to listen to and frosé to drink. 

DUKE : I don’t have to stand for this! 

(He stands, heading for the door. MARIA pulls him out into the hallway, out of earshot of the rest of the group.)

EXEUNT

Chapter Text

Setting: A hallway outside the classroom. The door to the classroom is visible and slightly ajar.

At Rise: Maria is grabbing Duke by the shoulder, he’s making like he wants to leave. 

MARIA: Look, I know you’ve got a packed schedule-

DUKE: It’s not about that, milady, it’s about the art! If there is no romance, how do we compel the audience? How do we drive the story without passion?

MARIA (obviously lying, but desperate not to lose a cast member): There’s plenty of passion in ‘The Lady of Illyria’!

DUKE: How so?

MARIA: The Contessa du Illyria is beset upon on all sides, everyone trying to get a piece of her. Among them is her suitor, the Lord Orsino. He-he woos her! And at the end of the play there’s a wedding!

DUKE: (smiling wide) Say no more. This suitor is at your command, milady. 

(DUKE rejoins the group. MARIA breathes a sigh of relief, which changes to a whine halfway through as FESTE approaches)

FESTE: (waving his paper) This is not a musical. This is not social commentary on the working class. There are no dramatic death scenes. And most importantly, this is not a musical!

MARIA: And?

FESTE: You said we could do a musical! You said I could sing! You said we could do social commentary-

MARIA: We’re not doing Le Mis!

FESTE: The musical is a respected theatrical form-

MARIA (lying once more): The Fool in ‘The Lady of Illyria’ gets to sing.

FESTE:(considering this) Would these be songs critiquing mainstream capitalist values and/or shanties?

MARIA: Scathing rejections of monarchical and feudal systems of power. And a love song.

FESTE: I guess…

MARIA: You and Olivia get to make fun of Duke. There is a funny hat involved. You can use your ukulele despite how wildly anachronistic it is.

FESTE: And we’ll do a musical this spring?

MARIA: Don’t push it, fool.

(She gives him a fond pat on the head and pushes him back into the classroom. FESTE exits, only to be replaced by VIOLA. She looks nervous, but determined.)

VIOLA: (her arms are crossed in front of her chest, clutching the paper tightly) Hey, Maria? 

MARIA :(with a forced smile) Yes?

VIOLA: I’m not sure this is gonna work out for me this semester. (awkwardly fidgeting) I don’t know how comfortable I’m going to be in the kinds of roles I did last year, Seb might have told you but I’m working up to socially transitioning which-okay I don’t know what I’m doing with that ‘cause this it’s confusing, but I don’t want to wear some big fancy dress in a play and have people call me by a girl’s name when I don’t even particularly enjoy being called by my own name sometimes...I’m getting off topic. Basically, I got personal issues coming out of my ears, and my schedule is unpredictable ‘cause of work and getting stranded everywhere without the damn car. Plus there’s the problem that is Duke-

MARIA: (raising an eyebrow) What about Duke?

VIOLA: What’s not about Duke? He’s everywhere, with his poetry and his face and his flirting-I know I don’t have a chance but I do not need absolutely useless hope on top of everything else. Personal drama and the theatre don’t mix well.

MARIA: Where did you get that idea? The reason we’re all here is because we have personal drama. I get ignored by my family and sidelined professionally. Olivia lost her dad and her brother last year. Mal’s in therapy, again . And you? When I met you, you were this scrawny freshman who didn’t even know what the ‘T’ in LGBT stood for. Now you’re this bold badass who’s unapologetic about who you are.

VIOLA: But I don’t know what I’m doing! I’ve only told you and my mom and Seb and it’s hard to tell people ‘hey don’t call me Viola’ when I don’t even have a new name picked out-

MARIA: (looking at the character sheet) How about Cesario?

VIOLA: Cesario? 

MARIA: I can’t help you with most of that, personal stuff is personal. But if you want, you can play a male role to help you get used to the whole being a guy thing. You can wear the costume whenever you want, and we’ll call you Cesario. You can even flirt with Duke as much as you want on stage. Why you would want to I don’t know, but that’s up to you.

VIOLA: (thinking) Cesario. Cesario. Hello, my name is Cesario Messalina.(she shakes Maria’s hand like they’re being introduced) I like it! So, I’m (reading the sheet) the witty messenger of the Lord Orsino? I can do that.

MARIA: Try it out, see how it feels. If you like the name, keep it. If you don’t, none of us will mind. Just tell us what you end up picking so we don’t have to get your attention by saying ‘hey dude’.  

VIOLA: Thanks. 

MARIA: Also, feel free to play up any drama that might come your way. The theatre lives and breathes the personal problems of dramatic dumbasses such as us.

VIOLA: Yeah...no. My problems are my problems. 

MARIA (dramatically): You are absolutely useless to me, Cesario. Begone and take your stubbornness with you.

VIOLA: I do like the sound of Cesario.

MARIA: Get!

(VIOLA exits. MARIA makes a note in her book as she walks towards the door. She is almost through when she runs into MALCOLM, a tall, immaculately dressed young man with close cropped hair)

MALCOLM: I’m concerned about these roles

MARIA: (taking a deep breath before responding)How so?

MALCOLM: I don’t feel like any of them suit me. There’s only one major male role, and I don’t fit as Orsino. I have more dignity than to depend on the approval of others for the sake of inflating my sense of self-importance.

MARIA: Of course you do, Mal. 

MALCOLM: We should perform something more dramatic. Remember the spring we did that play with the king and the witches where Elle was the leading lady and the leading man was-

MARIA: Do not say his name! That man was cursed and we are all better for the fact that he transferred into a poli sci program.

MALCOLM: Regardless, we need to perform something worthy of our talents! Something where a born leading man can truly shine.

MARIA: (lying through her teeth for the third time today) That role already exists in this play. 

MALCOLM: You must be joking. Among Olivia and all these fools you can’t tell me there is a role I could fill well.

MARIA: No joke at all. (looking at the paper together) See this man? Steward to the Contessa?

MALCOLM: Malvolio?

MARIA: Every story needs its parallels. Where the Lady of Illyria descends into her madness, the steward rises from humble roots. The role requires conviction and grit, true dedication to the art!

MALCOLM: Then no other can play such a man, be such a man!

MARIA: None but you!

(MALCOLM exits with a full ego. MARIA mutters something about how it’s a miracle MALCOLM’s still alive. Just as she is about to walk back into the classroom, a final plaintiff comes before her. It is OLIVIA, livid)

OLIVIA: They’re all being ridiculous!

MARIA: This is news?

OLIVIA: Maria!!

MARIA: Olivia!! (smiling yet so very tired) We like them because they’re insane. If anyone here had half a brain there would never be a play-

OLIVIA: Toby already has a flask out and is teaching Drew a dirty drinking song. 

MARIA : Which one? Is it the one she made up about Mal, because that one’s great-

OLIVIA: Does it matter? Maria, this play is about something serious. We have an opportunity to discuss real issues here, to show how women are forced into giving up their independence and power just because insecure men find them threatening. But right now, Mal’s preparing an acceptance speech for the Tony’s. The rest of the cast is drinking or singing or being Duke. The only one who seems to be taking this remotely seriously is Viola-

MARIA: I’m gonna stop you right there. Have you forgotten about me? Your staunch supporter? Your fearless director? The one who reminds you to take your anxiety meds? I’m going to be the handmaiden to your Contessa, and we will whip everyone else into shape so we can tell a proper story. You trust me, right?

OLIVIA: Of course I do! I just-I want to be respected. I want to be a serious actress, and show people that I’m more than the nerd who never stops doing homework. I...I’m so tired of people forgetting that I have hopes outside of this tiny campus. I want to be taken seriously, for all the crap I go through to have a purpose. That starts with doing this right. We graduate this spring, Maria. Two more productions, that’s it. We can’t get distracted.

MARIA: And we won’t. I swear to you, this will be so professional that you-(a brilliant idea strikes her) This will be so professional that we will be able to film it and send it into all the drama schools on your application list. You’ve already got productions from high school in your portfolio, right? Now all you need is a great monologue and a fantastic tape of you killing the lead role in this play. Which you will. Which means they’ll love you. Which means that you’re practically in drama school already.

OLIVIA: Do not mess with me right now. I will be so pissed if you’re messing with me right now.

MARIA: Why would I? Opening night, I take Fabio’s fancy camera. We film you at your best and most brilliant and send it in. They’ll see you in this miraculous work of art we’re going to create, a work of art where the two of us make the leading roles shine like a new penny, and they’ll be falling over themselves to give you scholarship money.

OLIVIA: (taking a deep breath, determined) Let’s do it. Onwards to opening?

MARIA: (clasping their hands together) Onwards to opening.

(OLIVIA and MARIA exit, going back into the classroom)

Chapter Text

Setting: Returning to the classroom once more

At Rise: (MARIA once more addressing the full group. FESTE has obtained a ukulele, DUKE is writing something with a feathered pen, VIOLA looks noticeably cheered, and OLIVIA has returned to doing homework. TOBY and DREW are drinking from a flask while having a discussion about streaming video games as MALCOLM watches disapprovingly)

MARIA: Assignment time! If you have a preference, tell me now otherwise you get what I give you. To start, I’ll be playing the Contessa’s handmaiden. The play does not give her a name but screw unnamed female characters, her name is Maria too.

DREW: (having just fallen off her seat due to the violent gestures associated with explaining a Twitch stream of Among Us) I’ll be Sir Aguecheek, guard to the Lady. Gotta protect my cuz! 

(she lightly punches OLIVIA, who slaps her away)

MARIA: You’re a paragon of theatrical professionalism, Drew.

OLIVIA: I’m stating for the record that we are not actually cousins. Our mom’s knowing each other does not mean anything. Toby, that includes you. No matter what she says, none of us are actually related.

DREW: I’d be wounded if I knew you didn’t love me, cuz.

OLIVIA: We’re not cousins!

TOBY (ignoring OLIVIA): Sir Belch at your service, milady! (To MARIA) I do get a sword, right?

MARIA : Unfortunately yes, please don’t kill yourself with it.

TOBY : Absolutely no guarantees!

MARIA: Moving on...our leading lady is already under attack, and our Lord is going to be-

DUKE : That would be me. Both Orsino’s poetry and methods of seduction will be unparalleled. The Lady and I will make a beautiful couple.

OLIVIA(with extreme contempt): You are a disgusting little man who wouldn’t know how to treat a lady if it whacked you upside the head. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, I am not interested and neither is the Lady of Illyria. For the last time, stop.

(DUKE is temporarily silenced and he slides his desk away from her)

VIOLA: I’m going to play Cesario, messenger to Orsino. The go-between, resident sarcastic asshole and most fashion-aware person on stage. (FESTE coughs) Besides Feste. 

FESTE: Thank you. 

VIOLA: And, just so you guys know, I’m going to be trying out Cesario as my new name. So, you can call me that all the time, not just during the play.

DREW: So you’re a guy now?

OLIVIA: I swear to God Drew if you say something-

DREW: What!? I’m just trying to make sure I got this right. I don’t want to be that girl.

VIOLA: It’s fine, thanks for asking actually. Yeah, I’m a guy. 

DUKE: That’s cool.

OLIVIA: Thanks for trusting us.

VIOLA: Hey, if I can’t trust you nutcases, who can I trust?

MALCOLM: She makes a point. I mean, he makes a point

MARIA: This is not turning into an afterschool special, guys. 

MALCOLM: Fine, I’ll be playing Malvolio, steward to the Contessa and brilliant narrative foil. 

OLIVIA: Since when is Malvolio a narrative foil-

MARIA: All questions regarding characterizations shall be answered once we obtain the scripts and begin rehearsals. Moving on, Feste-

FESTE: I shall be playing the Fool, the one brave enough to question society, to ask what is love-

TOBY: Like the song?

VIOLA/OLIVIA: (immediately playing into it, singing ‘What is Love’ by Haddaway) What is love? Baby don’t hurt me!

MARIA: Feste, we have to have some standards for anachronism. You can use the ukulele but play something that could at least pass for sixteenth century Balkan music.

TOBY: That’s where this is set? 

MALCOLM: Did you even read the information?

TOBY: You know what? I didn’t. I wanted a sword, I picked the role that got me the sword, what have you done with your time?

MARIA: Toby, Mal, you’re both very pretty but I’d like to go home now so let’s wrap this up before the choir here continues-

VIOLA/OLIVIA: Baby don’t hurt me, baby don’t hurt me, no more! 

(they start laughing, DUKE tries to join in and is rejected)

MARIA: You know what, that’s all we need for today. I’ll see everyone back here Tuesday, bring ten dollars or you don’t get a script. Text your measurements to Cesario so we know how many alterations need to be done. And no lying, Duke!

DUKE: The tape measure is prejudiced!

MALCOLM: I don’t think you hating the results makes it prejudiced.

TOBY : Guys, we just watched a historic moment, Mal made a joke.

MARIA: Everyone get out!

MALCOLM: What did I say?

(everyone exits, FESTE still playing ‘What is Love’ with OLIVIA and VIOLA accompanying. EXEUNT.)

Chapter Text

Setting: A parking lot outside the WYW campus, next to DUKE’s car. 

At Rise: Cesario is walking towards the end of the stage, Duke chasing after.

DUKE: Hey, Cesario, wait up!

VIOLA: What do you want, Duke?

DUKE: Your assistance in a delicate matter

VIOLA: I’m already working double shifts Saturdays, I don’t have time for anything else, you know that.

DUKE: No, no. This is of a more...personal nature. Completely separate from work. Would you be willing to hear about it on the drive over to your place?

VIOLA: Why are we going to my place?

DUKE: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that, man. (Heavy ‘no homo’ vibes) Just thought I could give you a ride home as compensation for your time.

VIOLA: Fine, this better not be stupid though.

DUKE: I assure you, only wonderful things will come out of it. For me, I mean. I could keep up the ride thing if you want-

VIOLA: What do you want?

DUKE: An in with Olivia

VIOLA: What?

DUKE: I need someone to talk to her on my behalf. She’s rejecting my traditional methods of wooing. Ergo, I need someone to be the go-between. I figure that she doesn’t want to kill you and that you’re already going between us during the play, so this is just an extension of that. So will you do it?

VIOLA: Why would I want to be your wingman?

DUKE: Think about it. This is a great way to practice being one of the guys. Me and my cousins do stuff like this for each other all the time. I’m actually honor bound to destroy this guy who messed with my cousin Titus-

VIOLA: Again, why would I want to be your wingman?

DUKE: Olivia likes you man, and I seriously doubt it’s in a potential romance kind of way, which makes this nice and neat. You talk to her, get on her good side, get me on her good side, and BOOM I got Olivia Agron as my sweet lady friend.

VIOLA : How do you go from saying ‘honorbound’ to ‘sweet lady friend’ unironically in the span of two minutes?

DUKE: I genuinely don’t know, man. I speak from the heart. Sometimes the heart says ‘sweet lady friend’. Other times the heart is more eloquent-which reminds me. 

(DUKE takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to VIOLA)

VIOLA: What is this? This better not be a creepy love note. (VIOLA opens and quietly reads it) And it’s worse than I thought. You wrote her poetry? Dude…

DUKE : I was working on it during the meeting, along with the rest of my plan. This is just the first step. Today, you chat her up, get her comfortable, slip in a few compliments about yours truly, then just as you’re leaving, hand her this. Creates an air of mystery. Ladies dig mystery.

VIOLA: It’s not mysterious if you signed it. 

DUKE: The mystery is not in the author, it is in the author’s intentions. Over the next few weeks I shall continue to write flattering and romantic poetry, leaving all the poems unfinished. Then, once she’s a bit more receptive to me, I’ll bring all my writings together into a love song. I’m gonna get Feste to teach me guitar. Music be the food of love, so I shall play on. I’ll sing for her on opening night, and she’ll be so overwhelmed that she’ll have to have me.

VIOLA: That’s your grand plan? 

DUKE: One of my better schemes, I must say.

VIOLA: So you want to avoid harassment on a technicality-using me as a loophole-and interrupt our production on opening night for the sake of the faint hope that she’ll date you?

DUKE: Please, after this any girl would find it hard to resist my charms. (Looking at VIOLA and realizing he’s unlikely to be helped) Look, I know I don’t know you as well as I should, but we’re in this association together. Actors have to look out for one another, no one else will put up with us.

VIOLA: I don’t know…

DUKE : Please Cesario, I really really like this girl. 

(DUKE gives ultimate puppy dog eyes)

VIOLA:(weak and crushing hard) Fine.

DUKE: Great! Thank you, bless you, praise be to you, come on get in the car so we can get started.

VIOLA: You said you’d drive me home!

DUKE: I will, Olivia’s is on the way.

VIOLA: You don’t know where I live.

DUKE: Well, we’re going to Olivia’s first, so it’s automatically on the way.

VIOLA: How do you know where she lives? If you’re stalking her, I’m out, and I’m reporting you to-to someone who’s in charge of restraining orders.

DUKE: Chill, there’s no stalking going on here. My cousins knew her brother, and I was over there a few times as a kid. This is fully non-creepy.

VIOLA: No, just very weird.

DUKE: You already agreed to help, no backing out on me now. 

VIOLA: You’re sure about this? There’s really no other way to get her to like you, say by apologizing and backing off-

DUKE: I’ll owe you big time. Seriously. It’s not hurting anyone. (DUKE stares, VIOLA squirms)

VIOLA: Fine . I’m counting on those rides though.

DUKE: And you shall receive them, my good man. May I add that you are looking exceptionally handsome today?

VIOLA: (visibly flustered) Shut up and start driving. 

EXEUNT

Chapter Text

Setting: The outside of an apartment building

At Rise: Viola and Duke are sitting inside Duke’s car, looking at the building as Duke attempts to give Viola an unnecessary pep talk.

DUKE: You got this, just go knock, it’s door seventeen, give her the poem like I told you-

VIOLA: Duke, shut up. This is my part of the whole stupid thing. You are not going to interfere and make her hate both of us. You can’t speak to her without the threat of murder hanging over your head, so don’t tell me how to communicate. 

(VIOLA exits the car before DUKE can say anything. The car is slowly pulled off stage as VIOLA approaches a door on the side of the stage labeled 17. She knocks, and OLIVIA quickly opens it.)

OLIVIA: Vi-Cesario! I wasn’t expecting to see you this weekend. What’s up? 

TOBY (standing behind OLIVIA, along with DREW): Yeah, what are you doing here?

OLIVIA: Ignore them, Toby came over to borrow my printer again. I don’t know why Drew’s here.

DREW: ‘Cause Toby has the flask. And the car.

VIOLA: (to OLIVIA) Can we talk alone?

DREW: What do you want? My cuz deserves some time to herself without all you actors getting up in her face, you know? 

TOBY: Drew, you’re an actor.

DREW: And I’m annoying as hell. I maintain my stance.

VIOLA (still only addressing OLIVIA): I’m here to talk to you. I’m sure you can decide for yourself whether to hear me or not. 

OLIVIA(to DREW AND TOBY): Get out, you two. 

DREW: But-

OLIVIA (to DREW AND TOBY): Out. 

(DREW and TOBY retreat into the unseen apartment)

OLIVIA: So what is it that you have to say to me, now that you’ve been rude to my cousins?

VIOLA: I thought they weren’t your cousins.

OLIVIA: Not within their earshot they’re not, but I’ll be shot before I leave an insult to them unchallenged.

VIOLA: Do they deserve such loyalty?

OLIVIA: Probably, yeah. So what have you got to say?

VIOLA : I’m not completely sure. I haven’t really rehearsed this, everything is happening very quickly. I’m having second thoughts, and third too, looking at you.

OLIVIA: Did you follow me here from campus?

VIOLA: Not technically, no. Someone gave me the address and I’m stopping here on my way home. 

OLIVIA: You’re joking. Whoever sent you here, and I think I know who, is way outta line. Just say what you want to, get out, and don’t come back. I have work to do.

VIOLA (shoving DUKE’s poem at her): This is from Duke.

OLIVIA: I’m not taking anything from that creep-

VIOLA: It’s not anything gross, just crappy love poetry. Really crappy love poetry. You know what, don’t read it, I couldn’t do that to you, I’m already mentally scarred from glancing at it-

OLIVIA: Why are you here?

VIOLA: I was going to give you this, but I’m pretty sure it violates the Geneva convention-

OLIVIA: No, why are you delivering love poetry on Duke’s behalf?

VIOLA: He likes you. A lot.

OLIVIA: I get that.

VIOLA: He promised me a ride home and I was a little afraid to see what brilliant plan he might come up with next. 

OLIVIA: Then I guess I should thank you for saving me from his usual activities. If he bombs in conversation, which he normally does, he shows up at my job. My manager might fire me if Duke doesn’t stop popping up outside the office. Consider me flattered, but underwhelmed and annoyed. Thank you and goodnight-

VIOLA: That’s sick.

OLIVIA: What? Me not sinking to his level? Me telling you to leave my house? Me having some dignity makes me the Devil?

VIOLA: Please, you’re much prettier than the Devil. (realizing that this sounds like flirting) Your pride gives you strength. It makes you special. What’s sick is how Duke won’t leave you alone. I didn’t know he’d already crossed so many lines.

OLIVIA: That’s just how it be sometimes. Guys do things you hate. What am I gonna do, not deal with it?

VIOLA: But you shouldn’t have to. Him having the luxury of facing no consequences for messing with you shouldn’t put your job at risk.

OLIVIA: It’s how he shows affection. I don’t want it, and I pity whoever he sets his sights on next, but-

VIOLA: But what? You’ll get through it? You’ll get over it? What if he gets you fired and sabotages the play and then decides he likes someone else after all? 

OLIVIA: Wouldn’t anyone go to extremes for someone they think they love? It’s not like I can stop him. Letting him knock himself out is the safest option. I’m still hoping he will knock himself out somehow. It’d be fun to watch.

VIOLA: You’d go too far for someone you love?

OLIVIA: Not in the way that Duke does it, but...I would have done anything to see my brother smile. On his last birthday I skipped an exam so I could take him out to the carnival. He backed me up though, with the professor. Told the guy we got in a car accident, and we punched each other so we’d have fat lips and be believable. (shaking herself out of a memory) But that’s not important right now-

VIOLA: Yes it is! Love and like should go both ways! You miss class, he bails you out, not he borderline-stalks you and sends friends to harass you. You know what? I’ll go now. I’m sorry about this, I’m gonna tell him to stop-

OLVIA: No, stay.

VIOLA: What?

OLIVIA: Tell me, right now. What would you do if you were in Duke’s place?

VIOLA: If I were Duke?

OLIVIA: If you were in Duke’s place.

VIOLA: I’d wait for you.

OLIVIA: Excuse me?

VIOLA: I’d be as extreme as him, but in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t send people to you when you clearly don’t want to come all the way to me. I’d wait. I’d wait until you were ready to meet me in the middle. I’d say ‘Olivia, this is how I feel about you’ I’d lay it all out, and I’d then go sit somewhere and get on with my life so you could get on with yours. Or not move on, or move back, or move out...You should get to decide what you’re doing and who you’re dating. If I wanted to date you...(she stares at Olivia for what might be a moment too long) I’d wait for you to want to date me too. And if you didn’t, I’d respect that.

OLIVIA (touched by this but trying not to show it): Odd perspective. 

VIOLA: Call it the effects of being assigned-female-at-birth and the resultant socialization. Everyone deserves respect. Women deserve autonomy and choice. All the time. Regardless of anyone else’s opinions. Or crushes. (VIOLA realizes she’s begun rambling and stops suddenly)

OLIVIA: Good to know that Cesario isn’t going to suddenly turn into a misogynist.

VIOLA: There’s enough of those in the world. (beat.) Look, I should probably be going. I’ll tell Duke to back off so we don’t have to meet like this again, he had a whole stupid plan involving me and Feste-

OLIVIA: Hey, slow down. Totally tell Duke to back off, that’d be great. But, knowing that he’s not going to listen-

VIOLA: I’ll make him listen. Somehow...

OLIVIA: Knowing that he won’t listen, I wouldn’t mind this whole wooing thing so much if you’re the one delivering the messages. 

VIOLA: Oh. Okay then. I guess I’ll-I guess I’ll see you around. Rehearsals! I’ll see you at rehearsals. Okay, bye. 

(VIOLA exits, awkwardly, in the throes of bi panic. OLIVIA takes a deep breath)

DREW: Was that flirting I heard towards the end?

TOBY: It most definitely was, dude.

DREW: Cuz, you don’t even like guys! 

OLIVIA: I know!

TOBY: Then what’s with-

OLIVIA: I don’t know! Go finish whatever you need to do with the printer and go home.

TOBY: Cesario shouldn’t mess with you like that.

OLIVIA: That’s the funny part. I don’t think he was joking at all. (OLIVIA paces, then makes up her mind, writing something on a scrap of paper) Drew! 

DREW: What?

OLIVIA: Make sure he gets my phone number. (OLIVIA hands DREW the paper)

DREW: Why can’t you do it?

OLIVIA: Because cousins do nice things for each other. Also you love me. Also I have to be at work in half an hour and you don’t.

DREW: Give it. 

OLIVIA: You’re the best.

DREW: Toby, you better still be here when I get back, I am not walking home. 

TOBY: No guarantees dude, you better haul ass.

DREW: I literally do not know why I love you.

(DREW exits, and OLIVIA and TOBY retreat into the unseen apartment)

EXEUNT

Chapter Text

Setting: The Messalina apartment. The kitchen and living room/kitchen table area are both visible. On one side of the stage is a bedroom partitioned into two sides. The back wall has two doors in it, leading to the unseen bathroom and the bedroom belonging to Carmen. 

At Rise: Viola enters, throwing his backpack onto the couch. Music is playing, Van Halen’s ‘Why Can’t This Be Love’ fading into Shakira’s ‘Estoy Aqui’

VIOLA: (groaning) Not the makeout playlist! (he knocks on the closed bedroom door) Seb! Stop being gross and get out of the bedroom!

(When the music doesn’t stop, VIOLA enters the bedroom to find it empty. Going back into the living room, he then realizes that the music is coming from the bathroom. Steam is coming out from under the door. As he walks closer to the door, the audience begins to hear what he can; by the sound of it, there are definitely two people in the bathroom. VIOLA, realizing this, quickly runs back into the bedroom.)

VIOLA: Never mind! Stay in there as long as you need to! Have clothes on when you come out!

SEBASTIAN: (something indistinct about how he’s already out)

VIOLA: That joke stopped being funny four years ago!

(There’s a knock on the front door. VIOLA ignores it at first, setting up various books and papers on the sofa. Whoever is at the door knocks harder.)

VIOLA: I’m coming! Jesus Christ in Heaven I’m coming-(VIOLA opens the door onto DREW, who is out of breath and very annoyed)

DREW: Here. (she gives VIOLA the paper with OLIVA’s phone number on it) I don’t know what she sees in you.

VIOLA: Did you follow me home?

DREW: No, I know the address of every random person my cousin sends me after- of course I followed you home! Your car looks like it belongs to a pimp, by the way.

VIOLA: It’s not my car. 

DREW: Stop getting rides from pimps then.

VIOLA: What is this?

DREW: Use your eyes genius, it’s my cousin’s phone number. I don’t know what you said to her but this better not be some sick joke. She deals with enough.

VIOLA: I’m pretty sure she can fight her own battles, Drew. If you’ve got a problem with me, just say so instead of hiding behind Olivia.

DREW: Okay, I got a problem with you. I don’t know what she sees in you but I don’t like it. If you hurt her, I kick your ass. I was in the state wrestling championships in high school, don’t think I won’t follow through.

(DREW exits, stomping out into the unseen hallway. VIOLA watches her go.)

VIOLA: Bye? (to himself as he walks in circles around the living room) That was weird. That was very weird. That was-you know what? Focusing on the phone number. I have Olivia’s phone number for some reason. And she wrote ‘Cesario, use this often’. That’s-that’s great, what am I supposed to do with that?

(VIOLA walks into the bedroom)

VIOLA: (muttering to himself) She’s already calling me Cesario. That’s cool, that’s cool. Forget about the fact that I still look like a girl, she called me Cesario. You know what? I should dress the part. Don’t have a costume yet, gotta make do. Dicks get their clothes stolen. It’s fair. It’s not like he cares. 

(se picks clothing off the floor from SEBASTIAN’s half of the room, then starts sorting them into small piles on his own bed) 

If I’m going to be Cesario, I gotta dress like Cesario. What does Cesario dress like? Okay, it’s not like it matters, does it? It’s all made up anyway. I can be Cesario in a button up or an evening gown...not that I have either of those anyway. 

VIOLA: (speaking/humming? to himself in the mirror, trying on various items of clothing) I can’t be Viola any longer, the girl she is is someone I’m not. I’m not a woman, never have been, never will be, but there’s little space in an in-between so I’ll just go the other way. I guess Cesario is here to stay. This will be better. It must be better, ‘cause at least this way I’m following the letter of the social law. I’m still a Messalina, just not a girl, not a woman at all...probably.

What does Viola have to offer anyway? Just my brother’s twin, possibly a religious sin, who gets decent passing grades. I don’t know what’s coming next, don’t even know if I’ll pass my classes, not sure what I want, don’t want my life to pass me by. I can’t stay who I was. Moving forward, I can be straightforward at last. 

Cesario can be brave, no past or fear to hold him back. His man’s tongue can lash out without judgemental d-bags launching an attack. Cesario can even flirt, won’t that be great. I could make a move on Olivia or Duke, too bad she’s so not for it and he’s so straight. I just want things to be okay. I don’t hate myself, don’t want to break myself, but I still need to change. So here’s step one. New me, almost completely. Wait for me Cesario, I’m almost there.

(the final outfit is a pink button up over a white t-shirt with blue jeans)

FADE TO BLACK

Chapter Text

Setting: The living room of the Messalina apartment again

At Rise: Cesario throws a hoodie over the clothes he’s stolen, sitting on the couch and doing some homework. The music continues. Sighing, he pulls out his phone, calling Carmen.

VIOLA: Mamá?

CARMEN: (visible off stage, typing on a computer) What’s up?

VIOLA: Seb’s being gross again, what time are you going to be home? Should I start dinner?

CARMEN : Nah, make Sebastian do it. He’ll want to show off for his young man, and we’ll get to eat good. I’m finishing up now, so I’ll probably be home around six. I’ll definitely be there before you have to leave for work. How were classes today?

VIOLA: Not bad. My econ grade is improving. I’ve been reviewing the major application requirements again, thinking about officially switching into fashion design (beat.) We had our first drama club meeting today. 

CARMEN : Dramatic as usual?

VIOLA: It was a mess. I was there alone because Seb took the car, and then, well, we have a new girl this year, Drew, so Maria made us all be on our  best behavior but our best behavior kinda sucks. Olivia’s gotta deal with the worst of it, I honestly thought she was going to stab someone with a pen today, so I’m trying to mediate that-

CARMEN: Are you sure this is someone you want to hang out with?

VIOLA : Oh, absolutely. I ended up talking to her for a while, and...she’s really great. I didn’t talk to her much last year ‘cause I was on stage crew in the spring, but she takes this real serious. She’s actually the one who suggested the play we’re doing, ‘The Lady of Illyria’ and she’s playing the title Lady. I think I’m going to suggest some costume choices that would go good with her skin tone. I think she’d look great in yellow, something with gold accents...(pauses) I just wish everyone would give her some space, you know? I know I’m not helping much right now, but...She shows up when she’s supposed to and she gets good grades and she’s got a job outside of this to help her mom but everyone’s still always asking her for stuff. Or expecting her to just do whatever they want and flirt back and be cool and happy all the time. It’s just her and her mom now-

CARMEN : Wait, this is Olivia Agron? I heard about that accident a few months ago. Her poor mother. We should make them something, give them a night off.

VIOLA : I don’t think they’d say no to enchiladas. 

CARMEN: See what she likes. You can give her a dish at your rehearsals, sí?

VIOLA: Yeah, I can do that.

CARMEN: And mijíto? Keep an eye on her, okay? Be her friend. It sounds like she needs one right now. I’m not saying she’d do anything like the Capulet girl did a few years back, but still. Make sure she’s okay. She sounds lovely and her mother doesn’t need anymore pain. (Indistinct murmuring on CARMEN’s side of the line) I have to go. I’ll see you soon. Text the girl. Te quiero.

VIOLA: Te quiero, Mamá. (VIOLA returns to his homework)

(Shortly after,the music stops. SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO emerge from the bathroom, rather damp and grinning madly. ANTONIO is a young Hispanic man with long hair pulled into a ponytail. He wears gold hoop earrings and tight pants, giving him a vaguely piratical look)

VIOLA: About time.

ANTONIO: What do you mean? There was a situation there. (SEBASTIAN snorts) Water damage, faulty pipes...I saved your brother from a watery grave.

VIOLA: I’m sure you did. You can just leave him there next time. 

SEBASTIAN: You’d be lost without me. 

VIOLA (with hands raised, teasing): Okay, okay.

ANTONIO (putting an arm around SEBASTIAN’s waist as he begins to be very dramatic): I know I’d be lost without you. (ANTONIO dramatically kisses him. SEBASTIAN starts grinning like a fool.) I can’t believe you’re going to be abandoning me for the play.

SEBASTIAN: It’s just stage crew-

ANTONIO: Even worse, you’re gone for hours and I don’t even get to bring flowers to your dressing room. 

VIOLA: Hey, I’ll take flowers. I also accept cash.

SEBASTIAN (to ANTONIO): You don’t have to come to the play. It’s gonna be obnoxious, and I’m not in it-

VIOLA: How dare you call me obnoxious.

ANTONIO: Why don’t you want me at the play? We’re at least going to go for-wait, you’re a dude today, right? 

VIOLA: Yeah. Trying out Cesario as a name, tell me if it’s weird.

ANTONIO: Cool. (to SEBASTIAN) You’re going for your brother anyway, I might as well bring someone flowers.

VIOLA: Flatterer. Don’t stop.

SEBASTIAN: Come on, you don’t really want to haunt campus and watch me in some dumb costume. We can do much more entertaining things. (SEBASTIAN kisses ANTONIO sloppily, pulling both of them onto the couch and almost crushing VIOLA)

VIOLA: Please, stop! Why can’t you two ever do this at Tony’s place?

ANTONIO: Because my roommate’s are growing weed in our kitchen and I refuse to get busted when the cops come for them. 

VIOLA: That’s...I don’t have a response for that. Can you guys just not make out everywhere? I’m going to have to disinfect the entire house now.

SEBASTIAN: You can move out.

VIOLA (hitting SEBASTIAN with a pillow): Que funny, culo.

SEBASTIAN: What? You’ve got a little bit of money now. 

VIOLA: Yeah, and it’s all going to tuition or groceries. Face it, you and me are going to be sharing that room until the end of time. 

SEBASTIAN: Don’t you have to go to work?

VIOLA: I’m closing tonight, don’t have to be in until six thirty. Speaking of which, Mamá says you’re making dinner tonight. 

ANTONIO (with great enthusiasm): CHILAQUILES!

SEBASTIAN: Just because you’re Dominican does not mean you have to eat tortillas and beans every day.

VIOLA and ANTONIO (simultaneously): Yes it does. (They begin chanting) Chi-le-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les!

VIOLA: With jalapenos!

ANTONIO: And that good lime stuff!

SEBASTIAN: She really said I have to make dinner?

VIOLA: Check your phone if you don’t believe me. (ANTONIO joins him and they start chanting again) Chile-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les!

SEBASTIAN: Fine. 

(Various noises of victory, ANTONIO shouts GOALLLLL! They follow SEBASTIAN into the kitchen, stage left.)

SEBASTIAN: You know when you’re at rehearsals late, you’re going to have to fend for yourself for dinner.

VIOLA: I will bribe someone into feeding me. 

SEBASTIAN: Who? Everyone’s broke except for Duke. And you can’t talk to Duke because of your massive crush.

ANTONIO: Baby bro’s got a crush?!

VIOLA: How dare you, I am older than him by six minutes and you know that!

SEBASTIAN: Why are you calling him your brother?

ANTONIO: ‘Cause he’s kinda like my brother?

SEBASTIAN: Shut up about everything that implies.

VIOLA: Please don’t stop talking, him getting embarrassed is the actual best. 

ANTONIO: Why don’t you want me calling him brother? I already call Carmen Mamá. 

SEBASTIAN: That’s different. She’d adopt you if she could. She’d adopt half the neighborhood if we could afford it. 

VIOLA: True.

ANTONIO: So what’s wrong with me calling-Cesario?(checking with VIOLA, VIOLA confirms the name) Cesario, brother?

SEBASTIAN: If you two are brothers, what does that make us?

ANTONIO: What do you want us to be?

VIOLA (backing up slowly) : I’m just gonna-I’m just gonna be in the other room. Have fun with this one, Seb. 

(VIOLA exits, SEBASTIAN gives the finger after them)

ANTONIO (sitting on the counter b/c he’s gay): So?

SEBASTIAN: So what?

ANTONIO: You know what.

SEBASTIAN: Tony, I...I care about you. A lot. But I can’t-

ANTONIO: Can’t what? You don’t want me around your family, is that it? Don’t want me around your school, or your sis-your brother, but you like me in the bathroom.

SEBASTIAN: It’s not like that and you know it.

ANTONIO: Do I? ‘Cause you’ve said it yourself that the stuff I was part of scared you. What, you afraid drug money from a gang I’m not in anymore’s gonna come back to you? Gonna come back here?

SEBASTIAN: I wasn’t scared of that for my sake! I was scared for you, you damn idiot! I’m always scared for you! Your roommates, the people you used to know-I can’t be with you like this and watch you get hurt.

ANTONIO: Who says I’ll get hurt?

SEBASTIAN: You know why I don’t want you going to that stupid play? ‘Cause one of the guys in it is Curio’s cousin! Curio like the leader of the Lieutenants! People who want to kill you!

ANTONIO: I don’t care about the risk, Sebastian! I just want to have a relationship with my boyfriend! I’m a part of your life, but you act like you’re ashamed of me.

SEBASTIAN: Are you even listening, I’m worried someone’s gonna stab you one day and I won’t know about it!

ANTONIO: You want to know if I get stabbed?

SEBASTIAN: I want to know that you’re safe! That is the opposite of getting stabbed! You got out of the Pirates, you’re not involved in them anymore, I don’t want a stupid thing with the drama club to be what gets you hurt. I gotta help with the stupid thing, it’s my responsibility, but-

ANTONIO: You think I’m going to disappear one day. 

SEBASTIAN: I don’t want you to. Please don’t.

ANTONIO(deep sigh): I won’t go to the play. Only person I know in it’s Cesario anyway.

SEBASTIAN: I’m not trying to be controlling-

ANTONIO: Nah, you got a point. There’s people who really want to kick my ass, and I kinda want my ass to remain unkicked. 

SEBASTIAN: I hope so, I like that ass. (ANTONIO punches him playfully)

ANTONIO: But when the play is over, we are definitely going on a date somewhere that is not this apartment. 

SEBASTIAN: You saying I don’t entertain well? That I can’t cook?

ANTONIO: I’m saying I want to pay for dinner, and spoil you stupid. 

SEBASTIAN: Sweet-talker. (They are hugging now.) Promise you won’t do anything dumb?

ANTONIO: On my honor as a scoundrel.

SEBASTIAN : Good. Good.

ANTONIO: This means I’m not bringing you coffee during the week. 

SEBASTIAN: I can live with that.

ANTONIO: Oh come on, if I don’t drop off coffee I gotta wait until work or dinner to see you.

SEBASTIAN: Just until the play’s over.

ANTONIO: So, like three weeks?

SEBASTIAN: Try three months. (ANTONIO pouts) Dude, we see each other every day.

ANTONIO: You did not just ‘dude’ me, babe.

VIOLA (from offstage): You two are gross and stupid and sweet but I’m hungry can we please have dinner?

SEBASTIAN (with a mighty sigh because the people he loves are dumb) : Get the tortillas out.

VIOLA and ANTONIO: Chile-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les! Chi-le-qui-les!

(The scene fades to black)

Chapter Text

Setting: The Messalina apartment

At Rise: Carmen and Viola stand near the front door, Viola putting things in his bag for work. In the background, Sebastian is cleaning up after dinner.

VIOLA: Mamá! I’m going!

CARMEN : Got your phone?

VIOLA: Yeah.

CARMEN: Got your keys?

VIOLA: Yeah.

CARMEN: Swipe card?

VIOLA: Yeah.

CARMEN: You text that girl yet?

VIOLA: No...

CARMEN: And why not?

VIOLA: I don’t want to seem weird or pushy-

CARMEN: Mijito, she gave you her phone number. She wants you to use it.

VIOLA: She could just be being polite. Maybe this is her way of saying she doesn’t want to talk in person-

CARMEN: Or she wanted you to text her.

VIOLA: I don’t want to be creepy!

CARMEN: Then don’t be creepy! Just say hi! Be her friend.

VIOLA: But-

CARMEN: Do it right now or you are not leaving this house.

VIOLA: I have to go to work.

CARMEN: Text the girl!

VIOLA: Fine! Fine! 

(VIOLA takes out a phone, waves it around, and begins texting) 

 Do you see me? Do you see this? I’m texting! (He begins reading the message he is composing) ‘Hey, this is Cesario, you gave me your number’.

CARMEN: And?

VIOLA: ‘And I’d love to have lunch with you sometime’.

SEBASTIAN: Ask her what time she has class on Monday!

VIOLA: Shhhhhh!

CARMEN: Ask her, ask her!

VIOLA: Shhhhh!

CARMEN: Don’t shush me! You’re not even calling her.

VIOLA: I am trying to focus!

SEBASTIAN: Send emojis-

VIOLA: Shut up, she responded! (Reading the text message) ‘Lunch @ BBQ place off campus. Bring ur appetite.’ And she sent me a ring emoji, what does that mean?

CARMEN: You think I know? Just say yes.

VIOLA: I know you want me to get married, but this is not the time-

CARMEN: Go to lunch with her, mijito.

(VIOLA is about to respond, the phone starts ringing. It’s the Gravity Falls theme song.)

VIOLA: She’s calling me! She’s calling me! 

(The Messalina family proceeds to dissolve into a mess of well-meaning panic)

CARMEN: Pick up! Pick up!

SEBASTIAN: Be smooth! Wait, you can’t do that. Be less awkward!

VIOLA: I can’t do that either!

CARMEN: Pick up!

VIOLA: Hello? Heyyyyyy, Olivia, long time no see. 

(SEBASTIAN grimances at the awfulness of that statement in the context of a phone conversation)

(OLIVIA becomes visible off-stage, looking slightly nervous as she speaks into her own phone)

OLIVIA: Drew giving you my number went okay?

VIOLA: Yeah, yeah. About that, I was wondering why-

OLIVIA: I like talking to you. You make sense. So I figured...I was hoping we could keep it up.

VIOLA: Yeah?

OLIVIA: It’ll keep Duke off my back at least, if he still thinks you’re wooing me on his behalf.

VIOLA: Any wooing will be done on no one’s behalf but my own.

SEBASTIAN (whispering): You flirt!

VIOLA (whispering to SEBASTIAN): Shhhhhh! (To OLIVIA) So... what was with the ring emoji? 

OLIVIA (clearing her throat, as the previous flirty comment surprised her in a half-decent way): Oh, that's a joke me and my mom have. I forget sometimes not everyone gets it. It's a ring 'cause I'm going to ring you, like a phone call, ring ring?

(VIOLA giggles at this.)

VIOLA: That’s cute. I like it.

OLIVIA: I like your laugh.

(VIOLA proceeds to have a small coughing fit at this)

OLIVIA : You good?

VIOLA : Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. So...lunch?

OLIVIA: When are you free?

VIOLA: I’m working most of the weekend, how’s Monday for you?

OLIVIA: I’m free after one.

VIOLA: Sounds good. Sounds good.

OLIVIA: I’ll meet you at the place. It’s off campus on South Street, can’t miss it.

VIOLA: South Street at one, Monday. Got it. Can’t wait!

OLIVIA: I’ll see you then. And Cesario?

VIOLA: Yeah?

OLIVIA: Thanks. 

(OLIVIA hangs up and disappears from view)

CARMEN (talking to God because this is what Puerto Rican mothers do): ¡Gracias Dio, mi mijito tienen un novia!

VIOLA: She’s not my girlfriend!

SEBASTIAN: But you have a date. You! You have a date!

VIOLA: It’s not a date!

CARMEN (taking VIOLA by the shoulders, gently but firmly trying to get her point across) : Cariño, it’s a date.

VIOLA: I have a date? (volume increasing as the realization sinks in) I have a date! What do you do on dates? Scratch that, what should I wear? What will we even talk about? Wait, wait. This is not a date.

SEBASTIAN: It kinda is-

VIOLA: No, it’s not. Olivia does not want to date right now. She practically said it before, she’s tired of drama and not looking for a relationship right now. Probably. Either way, she needs a friend more than she needs a date right now. And that’s fine by me. We’re just two friends going for lunch. Probably gonna trash talk some professors or sketch out costume designs. I’ll ask her what she thinks about a yellow and gold dress for the Contessa-

SEBASTIAN: Did you just talk yourself out of a date?

CARMEN: I think you’re being very sensible. She did call you though. Maybe you should go into this with an open mind. If she’s interested you can see where this goes-

VIOLA: Mamá, I love you. No.

CARMEN: Please? For me? Your cousin Marianna just had a baby, now Tia Rosario’s a grandmamá and neither of my children are even engaged-

SEBASTIAN: Neither of us are getting married anytime soon Mamá.

VIOLA : I’m not even dating anyone right now-

CARMEN: Why do you hurt me?

VIOLA: We don’t-

CARMEN: Can’t you pretend it’s a date? Just so I can tell Rosario?

VIOLA: No. I’m not even going to bring it up-

CARMEN (moving onto the other sibling): What about you? Any developments I should know about?

SEBASTIAN: Mamá, I’m twenty and broke and working at the docks at the ass-crack of dawn every morning before classes. My boyfriend is living with weed-dealers. I’m not getting married right now.

CARMEN: I just want some grandkids before I die, is that too much to ask?

(VIOLA and SEBASTIAN make identical faces of horror. You know the ‘gay fear’ meme? Yeah, they make that face)

VIOLA: I gotta go to work now! Love you Mamá, I’ll see you later!

SEBASTIAN: Yeah, I...I think Tony left his jacket! I’m gonna...see you later! 

(VIOLA and SEBASTIAN EXIT, though it’s more like fleeing. CARMEN is left alone on stage.)

CARMEN (talking to herself and possibly God): It’s a date. Dio, it’s a date.

(Stage fades to black)

Chapter Text

Setting: Warehouse floor of Shipwreck Publishing Inc.; Duke’s family business

At Rise: Cesario is carrying a large box across the stage while Duke lounges on a pallet, writing something with that stupid feather pen.

DUKE: But what did she say?

VIOLA : I told you earlier.

DUKE: Yeah, but that was just what she said . 

VIOLA: Contrary to popular belief, when a woman says something, it’s what she means to say.

DUKE: Dude...no. They never do. Like, my mom will say it’s cool that I’m working here with my dad, but if you look at her eyebrows she actually wants me to get off my ass and graduate already. I’m not gonna anytime soon, I’m definitely gonna have to retake the Lit class I’m in right now. And I like my ass right where it is, comfortable.

VIOLA: Well I don’t. Come on, you could at least put the packing labels on if you’re not actually gonna lift anything.

DUKE: What did her eyebrows look like?

VIOLA: Duke! I told you what she said. She’s willing to keep talking to me but doesn’t want to go out with you at the moment. That’s it. It’s not like we’re going to lunch and chatting about you-

(FESTE enters, coming up behind VIOLA)

FESTE: Not like there’s much to chat about.

VIOLA: Jesus! Quit doing...how do I always forget you work here?

FESTE: The best artists are unappreciated during their own time, unseen, forgotten-

DUKE: We need to put a bell on you.

FESTE: Excuse you, I already wear this horrible mustard-piss yellow uniform, I will not be degraded further for the sake of your father’s skimpy paychecks.

DUKE: Hey, those are generous paychecks.

FESTE: Trust me, they aren’t.

VIOLA: They aren’t, but Feste, back me up here. Women say what they mean, especially when they’re saying no, yeah?

FESTE: Wouldn’t you know?

VIOLA: Not a woman. Not sure if I ever have been. Unsure what my perspective would contribute to a reductionist conversation.

FESTE: Well, the people who only hear what they want to are usually men.

DUKE: But what am I supposed to do if her answer is unacceptable?

VIOLA: What makes it unacceptable?

DUKE: I can’t accept it.

VIOLA: You are not the exception. Not to decency, not to women’s wishes, not to Olivia’s will. How do we know you won’t go a step or three too far?

DUKE: What are you accusing me of? I’d never hurt Olivia.

VIOLA: What if she never says yes, what’ll you do then?

DUKE: She’ll say yes eventually. She has to.

VIOLA: What’s forcing her?

FESTE: Societal expectations, female socialization…

DUKE: She likes me, she really does, she just doesn’t know it yet.

VIOLA: And you’ll be the one to tell her?

DUKE: No, you will.

VIOLA: I’m not your weapon! I’m not your advantage!

DUKE: That’s exactly what you are! You know how she thinks!

VIOLA: What makes you think that?

DUKE: You were a girl, you know how they think. Now you’re a dude, which means you’re on my side. 

VIOLA: That’s not how it works.

DUKE: That’s how it looks.

VIOLA: It’s time for you to change your prescription. Women aren’t a monolith, the opposite gender isn’t an opponent you need allies to engage with.

FESTE: Besides, what if you’re stuck in the middle? If there’s standards based on who you are-

VIOLA: And you don’t fit the definitions they apply to-

VIOLA & FESTE: Where does that leave you?

DUKE: I feel like you two are getting at something that isn’t about me.

FESTE: You’re not listening, it is-

VIOLA: Isn’t about you! It’s about belonging and being treated with respect and treating others with respect and, and...Feste help me out here.

FESTE: Nah, you’re on a roll. Wait, female autonomy.

VIOLA: Thank you. It’s about choice. Who I choose to be and who Olivia chooses to love, you or someone else. Having the ability to say no and change your mind-what if there is someone out there who has affection for Olivia as strong as yours, or stronger?

DUKE: No one could love her the way I do. Who else could-

VIOLA: Could what? What? Is that all you have, a so-called love founded on false opinions, supported by yes men who tell you what you want to hear for your friendship, for your favor and out of affection-

DUKE: What would you know about living with lies, living in a lie?

VIOLA: I’ve reached the point where my only lie is one of omission. And now, it’s potency is diminishing with every word of this conversation.

DUKE: You dismiss my love over hypotheticals?

VIOLA: I dismiss it because you love the idea of this woman, make yourself sick over her image-

DUKE: She’s beautiful-

VIOLA: And that does not allow you the right to decide that only your love will suit her!

DUKE: It is my right to love as I will!

VIOLA: And it is her’s to respond as she will, and your responsibility to respect her!

DUKE: Why are you so stubborn over a girl?

VIOLA: Respect! I have a right to respect, man or woman. This is how you treat me?

DUKE: I am so confused right now.

VIOLA: Women are ideas and men are tools and an in-between does not exist in your worldview! You know what, screw your poetry. I’ll aid you no more.

(VIOLA exits rapidly, perhaps throwing up something behind her

FESTE: Give Olivia my platonic love, will you?

VIOLA (still angry but trying not to take it out on FESTE) : Will do!)

DUKE: Why would he be talking with Olivia? No way she likes him that way.

FESTE: Duke?

DUKE: Yes?

FESTE: Shut up. This isn’t about you, and if you continue to interfere, shit’s gonna go down. 

DUKE: I lament for you poor souls who don’t know love. I will not surrender nor face denial, you’ll see.  It’ll work out in the end.

FESTE: Not in your favor.

DUKE: What?

FESTE: Nothing!

EXEUNT

Chapter Text

Setting: Auditorium in the WYW Student Center, November. Stage equipment and scenery pieces are everywhere. Friday, one week until the play.

At Rise: Stage right, Toby and Drew are in costume and sword fighting one another fairly athletically. Stage left, Feste is quietly strumming his ukelele while sitting in a way that looks vaguely uncomfortable. Center stage, Malcolm is running lines with Maria.

MALCOLM : And though I am but a simple man with none of the great aspirations, talent, or social graces accorded to nobility, even I can see that my Lady doth decline these past three months.

MARIA: Declined in favor?

MALCOLM: Nay, fallen!

MARIA: How so?

MALCOLM: In love! Messengers woo and Lords scheme while I am left to manage this miserable household-

MARIA: That’s not in the script, Mal.

MALCOLM: I know not this Mal of which you speak, I am Malvolio, steward of the Contessa, manager of the house, and witness to the depravity of my brethren...

(looking to the side at TOBY, who is trying to balance her sword on top of her head)

MARIA: The line is ‘fallen to her demons, the worries that prey upon her mind, brought on through the occurrence of perilous schemes-

MALCOLM: But events are not unfolding as they were meant to. Worries of this nature have plagued me for many a fortnight now-

MARIA: What worries?

MALCOLM: That a society of professional thespians would fail in their sacred duty to bring an impactful story to the unwashed masses.

DREW: Are you implying that we’re not taking this seriously? 

(TOBY drops her sword, prompting DREW to give her a dirty look before continuing)

We’ve been rehearsing for three months! I ran lines with you past midnight! I am wearing hose !

TOBY: I sprained my wrist! Well, Drew sprained my wrist.

DREW: I apologized.

MALCOLM: I am merely observing that there has been a notable lack of mental afflictions in this production.

MARIA: You didn’t actually think Olivia was going to have a mental breakdown on stage-

MALCOLM: Dedicated performers inhabit the role! But she does not deign to carry her misery around with her, no. She and Cesario laugh, disregard their roles beyond the scope of this room, go on lunch dates without the rest of the company when we need to continue rehearsals-

DREW: Back up, they’re going out?

MALCOLM: Taking valuable time away from working towards the perfection of this production, yes.

DREW: Mal. Straight answer for once in your life, are Cesario and my cousin going out?

MALCOLM: These concerns are beneath the dignity of a refined steward such as myself-

DREW: MALCOLM!

MALCOLM: How would I know, it’s not like I stalk her on Instagram-DAMMIT! 

TOBY (whooping with joy): Nice one! Only took you three days to snap him out of character this time.

DREW: Dude, much as I appreciate the hype, please shut up for like five minutes while I interrogate him. Mal, what’s going on with Olivia and Cesario?

MALCOLM: (Massive groan) Look, ask Feste. All I know is that those two hang out a lot, and Cesario and Duke talk a lot, which pisses off Sebastian for some reason, ‘cause he ranted to me about it for fifteen minutes yesterday when I was busy working on my aghast expression-

MARIA: Mal, while you’re out of the zone-

MALCOLM (while squeezing his eyes shut and looking mildly constipated) : Everybody shut up, I have to center myself again now.

MARIA: No. Take a break for five minutes. Please. I need to go over Drew and Toby’s fight scene without your commentary. Go eat something and review your lines for the final act. You still have your special copy of the script right?

MALCOLM: Shhhhh...I’m almost there. 

MARIA: Stay out of character for five minutes, I am actually begging you. You’re driving me insane, and if I go down, this whole play goes with me. 

MALCOLM: Not true-

TOBY, MARIA, & DREW: Yes true. 

TOBY: Jinx!

MARIA: Toby, the don’t-drive-the-director-insane-rule applies to you too.

TOBY: Okay, but I’m nowhere near being as supremely annoying as Mal. 

MARIA: True, but-

MALCOLM: I take offense at that.

MARIA: Good, it was meant to be offensive. Just go get a snack. Five minutes. Go now.

MALCOLM: Allright, allright...do you think the vending machine has Twinkies?

(MALCOLM exits, MARIA watches him leave the stage)

MARIA: Praise Allah, he’s finally gone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dedication and some people could definitely take notes (staring meaningfully at TOBY), but he doesn’t have an off button and I am so tempted to smack him around a little until I find it.

DREW: Can I help, please?

TOBY: It’s a week ‘til opening night. Survive this, smack him after.

MARIA: He’s not even a bad guy, he’s just so…

DREW: Smackable.

MARIA: Exactly!

TOBY: So what if he’s a little bit of a theater kid? We’re all theatre kids. Sure, he might be theater kid extreme, but-

MARIA (now venting just a little) : And so nosy! I’m dealing with four different versions of the script here, trying to keep everyone involved and somewhat content and non-mutinous, but he keeps snooping around my extra copies!

TOBY: Director, not to point out the obvious, but what are you going to do once half the cast realizes they have conflicting scripts? I’m pretty sure Mal’s gonna notice when his character gets carted off to the asylum. And Duke’s really gonna notice when there’s not a wedding and Olivia kicks his ass when he tries to make a move on stage.

MARIA: Don’t worry, I got it all figured out. All the conflicting scenes are going to have at least one of us in them for damage control purposes, and essentially we’re gonna gaslight Mal and Duke into the correct version of the play once they can’t get out of it. And before you ask, it’s going to work because I need it to work. We’re filming this because cousins aren’t the only people who care about you, and also our funding for the spring depends on how well we pull this off. It’s gotta work.

DREW: Two comments. One, does this mean I get to soliloquize? Two, this plan seems morally dubious.

MARIA: Yes, you can soliloquize as long as you stay in character. 

DREW: And the questionable morality?

MARIA: That’s showbiz, baby. 

TOBY: None of this applies if one of you kills Mal before Friday. You should not do that.

DREW: He called me a wench the other day. Wench . Only reason I didn’t introduce him to some manners was ‘cause I was in costume and these things are dry clean only. I don’t have enough money to correct Mal everytime he says something stupid.

MARIA: How very economical of you.

FESTE: Why don’t we just prank him?

(various exclamations of surprise by MARIA, DREW, and TOBY as they realize that FESTE is in fact there. Possibly some cursing. Really, someone needs to put a bell on that man.)

MARIA: (muttering unflattering things under her breath for a moment) What was that?

FESTE (dramatically slowly, antagonizing her): Prank? Mal ? Yeah.

DREW: How?

MARIA: We could do literally anything, the man’s wound tighter than I am. And he does a lot less. Men are weak I tell you.

DREW: I agree, but moving forward, what are we actually going to do?

FESTE: Change the play again. Not much, but all we gotta do is really sell Mal on the crazy version where he’s the star, which makes the actual version where he’s playing someone insane that much more realistic. Oh! And, okay, I just had this idea but it is brilliant, we can make Mal think the rest of the cast is in on his version, but they’re not. So even if he tries to ask them about it, they won’t know anything. I’m a genius you may applaud now-

MARIA: You know we can just...call everyone and get them in on this right? I have Olivia on speed dial.

DREW: Yeah, but she’ll agree with me that this is morally questionable but unlike me will not go along with it. But if it helps, I’m an English major who had a childhood obsession with calligraphy, I can totally copy her handwriting and  writing style.

FESTE : That most certainly does help.

MARIA: Why are you making this more complicated than it needs to be?

(TOBY, DREW, and FESTE answer simultaneously):

TOBY: It’s fun.

FESTE: Upholds our plot relevance.

DREW: I’m bored and Mal is annoying.

MARIA: Fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! Fine! We’ll mess with Mal. But only because I desperately need serotonin! If this messes up opening night, all of you will be facing the wrath of me, yes Toby that means I will talk to your mother-

DREW: So what do you need the fake handwriting for?

FESTE: A very long, confusing, vaguely flirty letter-

TOBY: Dudes, shut up he’s coming back!

(MALCOLM enters, licking Twinkie filling off his fingers, like a heathen)

MALCOLM: Okay everyone, I’m almost back in character, who’s ready to take this from the top?

(a collective groan from MARIA, DREW, and TOBY)

End Scene.

Chapter Text

Setting: Auditorium stage and nearby chairs. Monday, Four Days ‘till Opening Night

At Rise: Duke, Feste, and Malcolm are rehearsing on one side of the stage; Maria, Drew, and Toby are opposite, obviously preparing for shenanigans. Olivia enters, walking up to the second group in time to hear the tail end of their conversation.

DREW: Guys, come on, let’s get this started already. I hate my intro writing class but I do actually have to go to it. 

TOBY: As always I am on her side, we’re burning daylight here Maria, and I have a very important run to stream before work tonight.

DREW: She does, I support that alibi, it’s a Hades boss fight that I very much want to watch when class gets boring so lets gooooo-

MARIA: Your boss is going to fight you if you don’t calm down for three minutes, okay? If we are doing this, we are doing it right and I need to do noon prayer first-

TOBY: That's first priority!

DREW: Obviously. You have full permission to ignore us in favor of religious obligations.

TOBY: Go!

MARIA: Drew, if I leave you two alone, what are the chances that you’ll wait to put the plan in action?

DREW: Very tiny. Me and Toby have the same religious obligations and those are on Saturday mornings...she is very easily distracted though. 

MARIA: Distract her then? For me?

TOBY: I am standing right here.

DREW: I have to do everything around here.

MARIA: I will give you my used intro Econ book for free.

DREW: Oh you got a deal. (To TOBY) Tobs, have you ever considered that Breath of the Wild is better than Ocarina of Time ?

TOBY: Drew Harris I know exactly what you’re doing and it is working you are lucky I have strong opinions on this matter, because how on earth could you think BOTW is better than Ocarina, seriously, like yeah Ocarina’s graphics aren’t the best and some of the music was meh but looking at it as a product of its time it was the first 3D Zelda game and the gameplay holds up twenty years later- 

(TOBY continues rambling about the Legend of Zelda and DREW and MARIA finish their conversation.)

DREW: Take as long as you need, she can go on about this for at least half an hour.

MARIA: Free textbook, I adore you.

(MARIA walks down the center aisle, runs straight into the entering OLIVIA)

OLIVIA: Maria! Good, I caught you. (OLIVIA checks her watch) I know you’ve got to go pray so I’ll keep this quick, we need to change Cesario’s role in the play. I know you have alternate versions of the script, which is brilliant by the way, so making more changes won’t be too hard and I’ll help obviously, just say it’s okay-

MARIA: You know about the alternates?

OLIVIA: Drew tells me everything. I don’t think she even means to, she just starts talking and I’m standing there so I listen. I actually have a suggestion for your plan-

MARIA: Back to the point, why are we changing Cesario’s role? It is four days ‘till opening night. Four. Are you trying to kill me?

OLIVIA: Look, she won’t say it-

MARIA: She?

OLIVIA: She. (beat.) She said she likes being Cesario some of the time but other times she still feels like Viola. I don’t understand the whole genderfluid thing she keeps talking about-not yet, anyway-but I do get that being a man all the time is making her just as uncomfortable as being a woman all the time. So I need you to help me change the play again.

MARIA: Something along the lines of cross-dressing then? Disguises? A feasible reason for a woman to dress as a man or vice versa in a sixteenth century play that we don’t have time to rewrite into something that would adequately deal with the queer themes it presents-wait. You’re just trying to impress her aren’t you? This is a gesture!

OLIVIA: Gestures are my love language! (beat.) I want to show her that I’m okay with this. That we’re okay with this. That she can be whoever she wants to be, any time she wants.

MARIA: Just say so next time! I am weak for romance, you know this. How many times have we watched The Holiday? How many times? Don’t answer that. (beat.) I’ll call you later, we’ll get together tonight and we will come up with a way to make this work. Now, I have to go get my prayer mat out of my car, so run your plan suggestions by Drew and Toby. If I don’t come back in fifteen minutes I did fall asleep so please come and wake me up. I have a Management final in two weeks and I cannot miss my three o’clock. 

OLIVIA: Will do, you’re the best.

MARIA: I know.

(MARIA exits, OLIVIA approaches TOBY and DREW, who are still debating various aspects of the Legend of Zelda.)

TOBY: Furthermore, Ocarina explores the nature of transporting different versions of Link through time, which isn’t covered in basically any other title in the franchise, introducing the story concept of a hero who knows how his story is going to end but it actually ends well, so it’s a reinterpretation of the overarching legend with new elements that keep it updated for a new audience-

DREW: But you knew how it was going to end anyway. It’s a videogame.

TOBY: There’s always wiggle room in a narrative. 

OLIVIA: What’re we wiggling?

DREW (jumping at the sound of OLIVIA’s voice): Don’t scare me like that! It’s bad enough when Feste does it. Wait, don’t you have class-

OLIVIA: In ten minutes, yeah. I just talked to Maria, and I have a suggestion for your plan, yes I know about the plan, no I don’t want to be involved, I just want to see it work. You’re writing a flirty note to Mal, right? From a secret admirer that’s supposed to be me, and then I’m confused on stage and he looks crazy?

TOBY: Yeah...

OLIVIA: You wanna really fuck with him? Make the note supposedly come from Duke. (OLIVIA hands DREW the poem from Duke that Viola gave her in Act One.) Here, I got his handwriting. Go nuts. And don’t make fun of me, I did not ask for the poetry.

(OLIVIA begins walking away as DREW processes what she has just said. TOBY looks extremely confused.)

DREW: Livi you genius!

OLIVIA: I know!

(OLIVIA exits.)

TOBY: Okay, break it down for me, why is this a better plan? 

DREW: Mal still thinks he’s being flirted with, Duke is under the impression that someone is responding to his love letters, neither of them will find out the truth until they’re on stage, and-most importantly-neither of them will ever break character during that argument.

TOBY (softly, but with feeling): Mother of fuck she is a genius. 

DREW: Help me rewrite this. We’ll have to change the instructions a bit, and copy the handwriting-Maria! Hey, we got news for you.

MARIA: Is it more retconning, I cannot handle more retconning, if it’s more retconning I will collapse on this stage right now.

TOBY: No rewrites on our end, why? What happened?

MARIA: Nothing major, but I have to talk to both the Messalina’s now.

DREW: Hey scriptwriter, I’m done. Proofread me.

MARIA: Okay, hmmm...(reading over the fake love note) maybe a bit more dramatic here, Duke is more drama than Livi, less emphasis on that bit, remember we gotta leave the author actually ambiguous and just heavily point towards Duke-

TOBY: I like that bit about the hair.

MARIA: I think it’s very appropriate, they’re both quite vain. Okay, that should do it. Drew, please apply your excellent forgery skills one more time-

TOBY: Hold up dudes, had a thought. This isn’t gonna set Mal off again, is it? I do not want to actually fuck up his mental state, that’s just cruel. He put in a lot of work to recover to this point. Even if he is annoying, it’s better than sophomore year.

DREW: What happened sophomore year?

(MARIA and TOBY speak simultaneously,

MARIA: You don’t want to know.

TOBY: Not my place to tell.)

DREW: Okay then. 

MARIA: Look, he’ll be fine. He’s doing a lot better than he was two years ago, he’s back in therapy and on his meds and we have lunch on Thursdays. I say we go for it, if it turns out we go too far, we pull the plug immediately. 

TOBY: Good, I will not be responsible for an actual mental breakdown.

(On the other side of the stage, DUKE and FESTE exit.)

DREW: We gotta move-Maria!

MARIA: On it. (To MALCOLM) MAL! You got a minute?

(MALCOLM walks over to MARIA, TOBY and DREW ‘exiting’ in the same direction as DUKE and FESTE, dropping the fake note on top of MALCOLM’s jacket and ‘hiding’ behind set pieces, in full view of the audience but not MALCOLM.)

MARIA: So, monsieur method actor, how’s the rehearsal going?

MALCOLM: The bard has been most helpful, milady. My ascendance to roles of power within the production are contributing greatly to my happiness, in no small part due to your writing and the ire my methods draw from Sir Auguecheek.

MARIA: You’re getting a kick out of annoying Drew?

MALCOLM: Most certainly.

(In their hiding place, TOBY is now slightly restraining DREW, who is outraged that MALCOLM is apparently being this annoying on purpose. Like, he’s aware of how irritating he is and is continuing to do it. Understandably infuriating.)

MARIA: There goes my guilt.

MALCOLM: What?

MARIA: You forgot your coat! 

(she pushes him towards his coat on the chair, with the love note on top of it)

MALCOLM: Many thanks Milady-what’s this?

(MALCOLM picks up the note and begins reading. His eyes widen as he makes various noises of interest and disbelief.

Oh. Oh. Oh, okay, wow-

MARIA: What’s that?

MALCOLM: NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX! I mean...nothing of interest to you, milady?

MARIA: Must be serious. 

MALCOLM: Not to concern you, but yes, it is. In a benign way. I...I have an admirer-I have to leave, I mean...I must now depart. I gotta tell Gany about this, he’ll know what to do.

MARIA: Who, your cousin?

MALCOLM: I know no one else who knows what to do when a SECRET ADMIRER leaves notes for you!

MARIA: And your example is Gany. Okay, no wonder you’re like this. (beat.) Look, I’m no expert, but maybe you should just go for it. See what happens. 

MALCOLM: I could…

MARIA: You could.

MALCOLM: I will. 

MARIA: Good for you.

MALCOLM: Do we have any yellow stockings in costume storage?

MARIA: Kinky stuff on your own time, Mal. Get out of here.

MALCOLM: Farewell and adieu, then. And...thank you.

(MALCOLM exits, awkwardly. Everything he does when not in character is awkward.

TOBY and DREW emerge from hiding to stand next to MARIA.)

MARIA: I almost feel bad.

DREW: He’s doing it on purpose!

TOBY: You’re never going to let anyone forget that aren’t you?

DREW: Shut up.

TOBY: You shut up.

MARIA: Stop flirting on my stage.

(Behind them, VALENTINE enters the stage. He coughs once to attract their attention. He is awkwardly polite. We are embarrassed on his behalf.)

VALENTINE: Excuse me?

DREW: Mother of-how many people are hiding on this stage, first Feste, now whoever you are-

MARIA: Who are you?

VALENTINE: Sorry to startle you, I’m looking for Duke? I’m his cousin. My uncle said he’d be here, wasting his time? His words not mine.

MARIA: I don’t make a habit of telling strangers where to find my castmates.

VALENTINE : It’s a family matter. Me and my brother, Curio? We’ve got some things to discuss with him. About Titus.

MARIA: He’s heading home. If you’re really his cousin you’ll know where to find him. 

VALENTINE: Thanks. I’m looking forward to this play. 

(VALENTINE exits as quickly as he entered. MARIA, DREW, and TOBY share looks of confusion.)

DREW: Okay, now what was that about?

End Scene.

Chapter Text

Setting: Olivia’s apartment, midnight-ish on Monday. As of 12.00 am, three days until Opening Night. 

At Rise: Olivia and Maria sit on the couch and floor of the apartment, papers and pens scattered around them. They are rewriting the play script.

MARIA: Okay, I think this makes sense, finally. Minimal changes to Viola’s lines so she can be surprised, a feasible reason for her to wear both breeches and a dress, and a shipwreck scene. Who doesn’t love a sinking ship?

OLIVIA: Kate Winslet.

MARIA: Fair point. (beat.) There’s a couple surprises for everyone in this version, but we’ve got a good cast. We can handle it. As per my mastery in this department, everything is going to go smooth as glass.

OLIVIA: I’m a little worried we’re going to start bleeding once it breaks, but...Maria?

MARIA: Yeah?

OLIVIA: Thanks. For all of this. I haven’t been a great friend these past few months, but you just...you keep picking me up and doing things you don’t have to do. Come on, I abandoned you for a date! Twice! I’m that girl. And you still help me with everything.

MARIA : I’m the director. It’s my job to make this all work out in the end. But I’m also your best friend, so it’s also my job to make sure you’re doing okay. Livi, you were gonna work yourself to death out of loneliness-

OLIVIA: I was not-

MARIA: Let me finish! You were, and you know it. You were uptight about schoolwork and the play, and you were pushing me and Drew and Toby away, and I let you do it because I’ve never had half my family die and I don’t know how to help with that. Which is...weird. Me not knowing how to do something, how to get it done and checked off the list. Then Viola stumbled into you and you woke up, Livi. You’re here with me again. So I’m going to keep watching you and make sure you stay with me this time. If that means midnight retconning sessions, so be it.

OLIVIA: Maria-

MARIA: Don’t get all emotional on me, it’s not like I’m doing this just for you. I get benefits, I’m not that selfless. 

OLIVIA (Laughing, on the verge of tears, but good tears): Oh, I know you’re not all selfless, you donut-stealing barbarian. This is a resume building thing, isn’t it?

MARIA: Of course! You first, resume second. Do you have any idea how much more interesting this play is now? With every new version and retcon and song added to this thing, we’ve changed the course of the play. It’s something different now.

OLIVIA: I don’t go crazy at the end, there’s more happy endings, Drew and Toby get to have multiple sword fights and a soliloquy apiece-

MARIA: It’s practically an original work at this point. All I need is a new title and I could submit this to a playwright’s workshop or something. Imagine that, a business management major rewrites ‘The Lady of Illyria’ for her friends and gets herself a publishing deal.

OLIVIA: You’re heading for the big time then?

MARIA: Hey, we both like the theatre life. Difference is, you want to be on stage, I want cash.

OLIVIA: Big dreams become us. I wouldn’t have thought it, but they do. You shine like this.

MARIA: Yes, the glow of my laptop really emphasizes the bags under my eyes.

OLIVIA: Quit it, I’m serious! You love this. You completely and totally one hundred percent actually adore this kind of work. I know it’s too late for you to switch majors and get a degree in this sort of thing, but experience counts for something. I’m not the only one who’s waking up again. Those business classes were killing you slowly. Now? You’re tired as anything but this play, and everything you do for it, it’s keeping you alive. 

MARIA: Until graduation at least.

OLIVIA: Who says you have to stop after we graduate?

MARIA: My mom, my aunts, my grandmama, not to mention the fact that the college is really against letting people not enrolled as students be involved in their student activities

OLIVIA: That doesn’t mean you have to stop. You could be...you could be a stage manager, an agent, something, anything! You can get involved with all the independent productions you want and meddle in them so they turn out better and then rewrite scripts on the side and sell them for rent money. 

MARIA: You’ve got this all planned out, huh?

OLIVIA: I mean it! You hate your major Maria, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it-

MARIA: What do you want me to do, spit on my not-even-earned yet degree, give my mother a heart attack, and spend the next who knows how many years carving a place out for myself in the theater industry by pulling off ridiculous productions and making my own choices for the first time in my life…

OLIVIA: You want it. All you ever tell me to do, all you ever tell anyone to do is to go and take what they want out of the world. You say I can do anything. Who says you can’t do anything too?

MARIA(considering this before slowly nodding and smiling): My mom is going to have a fit.

OLIVIA: You can make her feel better with all the money you’re gonna be bringing in. You can do a little bit of everything-

MARIA (excited now) : I can manage productions and people-

OLIVIA: You can be my agent! You practically are anyway but this way we’re all professional.

MARIA: You make the big bucks on stage and I get a slice!

(OLIVIA whoops loudly.

They are both laughing, waving their arms around and falling all over the place. It’s fun and freeing to really dream about their futures together.)

MARIA: My beautiful brave Livi is back! I missed you.

OLIVIA: I missed her too. (beat.) I realized some things when I was coming back. We’ve both been so concerned with what’s coming next and where we’re going that we forgot that who we are now is just as important. We have to be us . And we-

MARIA: Are going to make it in the theatre business one way or another!

OLIVIA: Hell yeah we are!

(They start laughing again, throwing papers at each other.

They are suddenly interrupted by a large THUD against the front door, which is followed by an ‘Owwwwwww’ It’s SEBASTIAN, but he is not yet visible to the audience.

MARIA and OLIVIA immediately stand up, grabbing various household items that could conceivably serve as makeshift weapons. Picture a vase or a lamp.)

OLIVIA: Who’s that?

MARIA: You think I know? Wait, I actually do know. (She puts down her lamp to shout a bit) I’M COMING!

OLIVIA: SHHHHHH! My mom is sleeping down the hall!

SEBASTIAN: MARIA?

OLIVIA: Shut up both of you! (to MARIA) Why is he here?

(While OLIVIA is speaking, MARIA has crossed to the door and opened it, greeting SEBASTIAN.)

MARIA: Hey, Seb.

SEBASTIAN: What is so important that I have to come over here in the middle of the night, knock on the wrong door twice, then trip over this stupid shoe rack thing out here ‘cause I cannot see for shit without my contacts-there was a Spy Kids marathon on, dude! I have priorities, so this better be good. 

OLIVIA: You still watch Spy Kids?

SEBASTIAN: It’s an interesting storyline! 

(He is speaking to a floor lamp as he says this, he really can’t see for shit without his contacts.)

MARIA: You drove here like this?

SEBASTIAN: No! I may be an idiot but I’m not stupid, I got a ride, he’s waiting in the car-wait back to topic, why am I here?

OLIVIA: Yeah, why is he here? And did you just quote Drake and Josh?

(this perfectly reasonable question is ignored. As a matter of fact he did just quote Drake and Josh, because he’s like that.)

MARIA: I’m reinstating your role-playing privileges. (waving a finger as SEBASTIAN begins to look very excited.) Out of necessity ONLY, ‘cause you still owe the club money for dues and me money for coffee-look at me, I need cash for caffeine. But I have a role for you.

SEBASTIAN: You’re serious?

MARIA: Deadly. 

(As she speaks, she walks around the floor and picks up various pieces of paper, loosely organizing them.)

You’re in a scene at the beginning, you die, and then you’re in a flashback later. That’s about it, but it’s crucial for this plot to work.

(MARIA hands SEBASTIAN the papers, which he begins reading eagerly.)

SEBASTIAN: Oh, I am in, I am IN! Rodrigo? Oh, that sounds hot, I like a hot name. Am I a hot ghost?

MARIA: You’re a fridged brother used to further a woman’s story. Classic trope, non-standard execution. You have three days to learn your part. Get someone to help you with stage crew stuff, and listen to me very closely, this next bit is very important-DO NOT MESS THIS UP. We clear?

SEBASTIAN: Yes ma’am. Thank you ma’am.

(SEBASTIAN begins to exit, tripping over himself in excitement and slight fear, also he still is mostly blind without his contacts. This is a disaster human.)

I will not let you down, I cannot wait to wear a costume, I get a costume right?

(He trips over the aforementioned shoe rack.)

Ow! Sorry about your shoe thing Maria.

OLIVIA : That is my shoe thing.

SEBASTIAN: Oh! My bad then! I’ll just...I’m going now!

(SEBASTIAN exits, and the audience can hear him banging into things for awhile after he is out of sight.)

OLIVIA: That guy.

MARIA: Out of necessity only, I assure you.

OLIVIA : It is a good thing I trust you.

MARIA: And that is your own moral failing. But, consider this, how bad could this be?

(On that ominous note, End Scene.)

Chapter Text

Setting: Parking lot of the WYW campus, the Messalina’s car. The morning before Opening Night.

At Rise: Viola, Sebastian, and Antonio are all in the car, arguing. Viola is in the locked back seat and is not happy about this. He-because he is going by he/him at this moment-is trying to break out of the car without actually damaging it because if it breaks his mother will kill him without mercy. 

VIOLA: Unlock the door Seb, I gotta go! Do you have any idea how many costumes I’m going to have to fix today? Everyone always manages to do something incredibly stupid the day of, and we are now ten hours away from curtain so guess what I need to get started on now?

SEBASTIAN:

(Sitting in the driver's seat, completely ignoring VIOLA and talking to ANTONIO, who is in the passenger seat) 

Babe, you really don’t have to be here. Duke’s cousins were crawling around the past few days-you know, the benefits of getting stuck in the lighting fixtures and accidentally taking a nap up there are that you get to hear everyone’s conversations-

VIOLA: We get it, you’re a dumbass, unlock the doors or I will climb out through the trunk!

ANTONIO (also ignoring VIOLA, but not in a petty sibling way): I don’t know why I can’t go in. Just to see the stage. Or steal a pirate hat or something. Come on, I’m already avoiding all the performances, which is unfair especially after-(he looks at VIOLA, because he doesn’t know that Sebastain is in the play yet and he is NOT going to spoil that)-your surprise.

SEBASTIAN: I am begging you to stay in the car. For the love of everything holy please stay in the car.

ANTONIO: You’re overreacting again.

SEBASTIAN: Of the three of us, who here has been stabbed?

VIOLA: Only Tony has, now let me out, I have work to do!

SEBASTIAN: And a girlfriend to woo-

VIOLA: SHUT UP!

SEBASTIAN (speaking to ANTONIO again): I just gotta do some last minute stage check stuff, then I’ll be back here later to watch the sib and pick him and Mamá up afterwards, well, after they see my surprise.

ANTONIO: But I want to watch.

SEBASTIAN: We’ve been over this! Babe, I am begging you, in the name of several saints, stay in the car.

VIOLA: Hey! Let’s go ya ninnyhammer!

SEBASTIAN: Did he just-did you just call me a ninnyhammer? Okay, you know what assbutt-

ANTONIO: Seb, you watch too much TV.(beat. Dramatic sigh.) Just go. I’ll wait here. Like a lump. (He is dramatically pouting)

SEBASTIAN: I’ll see you in a bit, then, okay-SHIT!

VIOLA: What now?

SEBASTIAN: I forgot about the parking pass fee thing. I never park near the theatre. I have no cash.

ANTONIO:  

(ANTONIO takes out his wallet, handing it to SEBASTIAN.)

Here, on me. Bring me back some crap from the vending machine.

SEBASTIAN: Thanks babe. (they briefly kiss)

VIOLA: Oh, so you’re a sugar baby now?

SEBASTIAN: AND WE’RE GOING NOW! 

(He takes the keys out of the ignition, gives ANTONIO a peck on the cheek.)

Please stay here. I’ll be quick, I promise.

ANTONIO: If you’re not back in half an hour I’m assuming you’re dead.

SEBASTIAN: Please tell my mother then.

ANTONIO: You kidding? I’m coming to get you and then we’re going out for pizza and churros.

SEBASTIAN: Deal. (They kiss again, cause they’re disgusting.)

VIOLA: I am leaving now, unlock the door or-

(SEBASTIAN unlocks the door, VIOLA spills out onto the ground, quickly jumping back up and starting to walk away.)

FINALLY! You two are nuisances and hazards.

ANTONIO: Don’t forget scoundrel! I take great pride in that title!

SEBASTIAN: Wait for me! See you later, mi canalla. 

ANTONIO: Go already! I’ll be here. 

(VIOLA and SEBASTIAN leave the car, walking to the other side of the stage as the scenery around them moves. The car and ANTONIO disappear, leaving them inside a building that holds the theatre and a bunch of offices. Maybe there’s a directory on the wall or something.)

SEBASTIAN: You’re rude.

VIOLA: And you’re annoying. Can’t you guys not be all over each other and bringing up my personal business when I’m making fun of your personal business?

SEBASTIAN: I don’t know, can you stop stealing my clothes? 

(A pause. VIOLA seems taken aback by the fact that SEBASTIAN has noticed the clothes stealing that enables him to feel more like Cesario.)

You thought I didn’t notice? I’m cool with you being comfortable sib, but you’ve gotta get your own stuff.

VIOLA: Stop making your clothes so stealable then. Bedroom floor is fair game-

(OLIVIA enters from a doorway. She looks amused at the siblings arguing, which you think she’d be used to by now because they never do anything else.)

OLIVIA: Am I interrupting something?

VIOLA: Olivia!

(VIOLA attempts to shove SEBASTIAN through another doorway, much to his annoyance.)

No, no, no. We just both have work to do...how much of that did you hear?

OLIVIA: All of it. You’re pretty loud. But interesting. For someone who’s stealing your brother’s clothes, you manage to pull off some unique outfits.

(SEBASTIAN laughs at this, because while both Messalinas are unsure whether that was a compliment or not, he’s fairly certain VIOLA is being teased by his crush. OLIVIA is amused by this.)

Oh, don’t laugh. I’m still on her-her?

(VIOLA quickly says, “his”)

I’m still on his side. I had an older brother too, remember? I understand the sharing-stuff pain.

VIOLA: Come on, do I really look that much younger?

SEBASTIAN: Yes.

VIOLA: Ignore my six-minutes-younger brother. He’s an idiot.

OLIVIA: My mistake. But if you two are done for the moment, Vi, would you mind helping me with my dress? The petticoat isn’t petty-ing properly.

VIOLA: Yeah, yeah, sure. I’ll be in in a second.

(OLIVIA exits through the door she came in. VIOLA immediately turns to SEBASTIAN.)

Don’t embarrass me in front of her.

SEBASTIAN: So your girlfriend calls you Vi now?

VIOLA: She’s not my girlfriend! Not yet anyway.

SEBASTIAN: Ooooo, are you going to woo her?

VIOLA: No! I’m trying to be respectful, okay? I’m like eighty-three percent sure this is mutual, but we are not official so please stop embarrassing me.

SEBASTIAN: Absolutely not.

VIOLA: You suck.

SEBASTIAN: I’m a sexy heathen and you should aspire to live like me. 

VIOLA: One of these days I need to get around to disowning you.

(With that, VIOLA promptly moves into the room OLIVIA went into a minute before, stage lights following him and leaving SEBASTIAN behind. Presumably he’s going to go get snacks for his sugar daddy.

OLIVIA is standing in the middle of an art classroom filled with theater props and costume racks, her costume in particular nowhere in sight.)

OLIVIA: So I may be spending too much time around Maria.

VIOLA: So what you’re trying to say is-

OLIVIA: I may have lied.

VIOLA: So why are you suddenly lying to me? I thought we didn’t do that to each other.

OLIVIA: Because I always know exactly what I want. But now what I want is something that isn’t just for me.

VIOLA: What do you want?

OLIVIA: Well...your hands for a start. On my dress...I mean, they were very clever putting it together, putting me together a bit more. You’re a talented woman.

VIOLA: I’d thank you.

(OLIVIA winces briefly.)

OLIVIA: You’re not a woman at the moment. 

VIOLA: No, today is more of a Cesario day I think. DOn’t feel bad, I’m usually confused too. Barely know how to make sense of it for myself, much less other people.

OLIVIA: Can I help?

VIOLA: I don’t think so, no. Not unless-

OLIVIA: Unless what?

VIOLA: People look at me and see Viola, a girl dressed up in her brother’s clothes and a name from a play. Not a person who’s woman and man, both and neither and confused all the time about who and what I actually feel like. I can’t….I look in the mirror and I see Viola, not...me.

OLIVIA: So the million dollar question is: who are you? 

VIOLA: I don’t know. 

OLIVIA: I may be able to help with this. Not the gender stuff, that’s personal. But the looking like yourself? The yourself you feel like? We may be able to do something about that. Here, grab that apron.

(VIOLA grabs a smock from a nearby chair as OLIVIA drags a stool over to a sink and mirror, pusing VIOLA down into it.)

VIOLA: Liv, not that I don’t adore your brainwaves, but what are you doing?

OLIVIA: If it’s alright with you, I’d like to give you a haircut. I used to do it for Drew before she got it into her head that doing it herself is more punk rock. I won’t mess it up, if you’re worried about that. I just think this might help how you see yourself.

VIOLA: You can try it. I trust you.

OLIVIA: Thank you. I won’t abuse that, I swear.

VIOLA: I know, that’s why I said it.

(The following few minutes are almost entirely silent, OLIVIA cutting VIOLA’s hair-which previously hung past his shoulders-into a bob that hangs slightly past his ears. It’s curly and frizzy and isn’t quite an afro because his hair isn’t thick enough for that, but it’s bouncy. As OLIVIA cuts, VIOLA seems to shed both metaphorical and literal weight. Hair is heavy. Presenting female when it’s not something you’re totally comfortable with is also heavy. 

As OLIVIA finishes, she neatens up some of the curls near the edge of VIOLA’s face. Their faces draw very close. The tension is real. But it passes, OLIVIA continues cutting, and at some point VIOLA grabs one of OLIVIA’s hands and doesn’t let go for quite awhile.)

OLIVIA: Okay, ready to see?

VIOLA: Myself in the mirror? For the first time, yes.

(He appears nervous, so OLIVIA jokes with him.)

OLIVIA: If it’s horrendous, blame the scissors.

VIOLA: Nasty things, aren’t they?

OLIVIA: Okay, now LOOK!

(She quickly turns VIOLA towards the mirror, waiting for his reaction.

VIOLA sees his new reflection for the first time. He is speechless, hands grasping the air where hair had once been. It’s at least a foot shorter now, and the difference is dramatic. He is speechless.)

I’m sorry, this isn’t what you wanted, is it?

VIOLA (teary-eyed and sniffling a bit): Hello Cesario.

OLIVIA: What?

VIOLA: It’s Cesario. And...and Viola. Look at me! I’m me! I’m me! Look!

(VIOLA begins jumping up and down at this point, near delirious with happiness and gender euphoria. He keeps touching his hair and clapping his hands, partially from excitement and partially because he’s happy stimming, this is because he’s neurodivergent. I am the author and projecting heavily so what I say goes.)

OLIVIA (laughing a bit): I take it you like it?

VIOLA: I LOVE IT! I look amazing!

OLIVIA: And humble too. (beat.) So, if you’re feeling better, this may be a good time to bring up what I wanted to discuss with you-

(VIOLA, still happy stimming and ridiculously happy and grateful for the help, interrupts OLIVIA by kissing her full on the mouth extremely enthusiastically.)

VIOLA: Thank you.

OLIVIA: Okay, it seems like we’re on the same page, so I suggest we keep doing this.

VIOLA: I was going to.

Fade to Black - END SCENE.

Chapter Text

Setting: The courtyard next to campus, in clear view of the art rooms. It’s eight hours until the curtain rises.

At Rise: Drew is pacing and ranting angrily to Toby, who is much more relaxed and reclining against a tree.

DREW: It’s not that I’m angry.

TOBY (sipping from a flask): Clearly.

DREW : But there’s three different versions of the play that are really hard to keep straight and Mal is just so annoying that pranking him isn’t even that fun anymore and Cesario-Viola...THAT PERSON is fucking with Olivia on Duke’s behalf and that is NOT COOL and Duke doesn’t even show up for rehearsals half the time, how on Earth is that fair-

TOBY: So the solution is to stalk Viola.

DREW: I just want to ask...them a few innocent questions.

TOBY: Is that why we’re here, just off campus property, where you are unable to be prosecuted by the college for physical assault?

DREW: I’m not saying it’ll come down to that. It just might. (beat.) Everything is too deeply dramatic! Everyone is obsessed with the play and the whole drama of who is dating who and I hate it but I can’t look away ‘cause that’s my cousin. I just want to do my own thing without worrying about everyone else all the time. I thought this theater stuff was going to be fun, but no one cares about actually enjoying it except us.

TOBY: Drew…

DREW: Don’t argue it, I’m right and you know it. It doesn’t end. What else can I do but be here, even if it doesn’t make sense and pisses me off more than anything?

TOBY: Then leave. Let’s leave. Once the play’s over you don’t have to stick with the drama association. It’s dickish to leave now but afterwards, you can go. I’ll come with you.

DREW: Why are you coming?

TOBY: ‘Cause I got the flask. And the car. And you’d be lost without me.

DREW (tenderly): I really would. (beat. Now slightly teasing) Sometimes. Other times, you need me.

TOBY: And that’s why this relationship works. Come on, let’s have a little fun with our roles while we still have them. 

DREW: Like you ever do anything if it’s not fun.

TOBY: Exactly, how else would I be the coolest person on the planet bar two?

DREW: Who’s the two?

TOBY: Malala Youfanzi and you. 

(She pecks Drew on the cheek. If it hasn’t been made obvious yet, they’re dating. It’s a long term thing.)

DREW (laughing, still slightly emotional): Shut up. Never stop. (beat. She takes a deep breath.) Okay, I’m ready now.

(Enter VIOLA, walking on a cloud, disheveled in the way that shows he was obviously just having a heavy makeout session. Couple this with the fact that Drew knows where Olivia was, and you are about to have a righteously angry woman.)

TOBY: I think you’re about to have a lot of fun, babe.

DREW: What- (seeing VIOLA, realizes very quickly what has just happened, promptly beings yelling in his direction, unsure which vaguely gendered insult to utilize) OH YOU DID NOT, YOU BIT-...BAS-...DI-...WOMANIZER!

VIOLA (realizing that this is not going to end well): Oh shit. 

(he begins running)

DREW: No, you get back here right now, I swear to Christ I told you not to mess around with Olivia and then this happens, explain how this is not messing with her!

(DREW quickly catches up to VIOLA, grabbing his arm)

VIOLA: (out of breath because he’s out of shape) I’m not! Messing! Around! (deep breath) I really really, really like her, like in an outrageously non-platonic way. Also, hello Toby.

DREW: Yeah, and you’re gonna tear her heart out once you turn her over to Duke.

TOBY: Hi.

VIOLA: I would never- 

(DREW shoves VIOLA against a tree)

DREW: I don’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth right now, so you might want to shut up. I get you might have comprehension problems, you know, with you doing things I point blank told you not to do, so I’m going to make this very easy to understand. My win-loss record is the highest my high school has ever seen. I accidentally knocked three girls unconscious during matches. I once beat a guy bloody for touching Toby in a way he shouldn’t have. Moral of this story is that you don’t fuck with me and mine. Now, you’ve already crossed a line, so I’m going to pass on the warning shots and go straight for the good stuff.

(DREW prepares to fight, VIOLA prepares to get his ass kicked, TOBY lifts up her phone to start live-streaming this on Twitch.

Enter ANTONIO, who is very much not staying in the car like he was begged to. He sees VIOLA-who with short hair and Sebastian’s clothes looks almost identical to Sebastian-and decides to intervene.)

ANTONIO (hands raised as he attempts to get between DREW and VIOLA) : Hey hey hey! Hey milady, maybe take it easy. I happen to be very attached to the target of your ire, so can we try to work something out before we get physical?

DREW: And who are you?

ANTONIO: Someone you really don’t wanna mess with, I promise you that. And you’re standing between me and him, which means you’re dangerously close to messing with me.

TOBY : So she’s a he again?

DREW: How many people is this guy dating?!

(TOBY shrugs, motioning for her to get on with the interesting bits, as she is still filming.)

VIOLA : Tony-

ANTONIO(barely turning his head): Shhhh, I’m saving your ass, Señor. You can explain and thank me later. You’re late by the way.

(addressing DREW) Look, whatever he’s done, we both apologize for it. I’m sorry on his behalf, and he’s very sorry, aren’t you Seb?

VIOLA(desperately trying to get ANTONIO to look at her and realize she is not in fact Sebastian, but he’s standing in front of her and has yet to turn around.): Tony-

ANTONIO (addressing DREW again): Now, get away from him before I ignore the fact that I shouldn’t hit ladies.

DREW: Get out of here, this isn’t your business. I can kick your ass too.

ANTONIO: Oh really? Then come and get me.

TOBY: Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Drawn by her chanting, a small crowd gravitates over from campus to watch the drama. DREW and ANTONIO size each other up as VIOLA desperately tries to get ANTONIO’s attention, becoming increasingly more frustrated.)

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(CURIO and VALENTINE emerge from the crowd, stepping towards ANTONIO and DREW. 

CURIO is a light-skinned African-American man, Duke’s cousin. He’s very well dressed and looking like he works for the mob. He might work for the mob, honestly. VALENTINE we’ve met, he looks like he feels bad about the whole situation. Probably staring at his feet most of the time.)

CURIO: Hey Val, look at who we found.

ANTONIO (upon turning around and seeing VALENTINE and CURIO): Ah fuck.

CURIO: Antonio Huertas?

ANTONIO: I have absolutely no idea who that is, would you please fuck off and let us continue our domestic dispute?

VALENTINE: Tony, we know it’s you. 

TOBY (to DREW): Who are these guys?

DREW: I don’t know! (addressing CURIO) Hey, would you mind? I’m dealing with a situation here, and there are way too many people between me and the person I’m trying to teach a lesson.

CURIO: Sorry about this, we’ll be out of your way in a minute. We just want Antonio here.

DREW: Take him then.

ANTONIO: See, that kinda goes against my plans for today. But you’ve got me. Guess I’ll just-

(ANTONIO attempts to punch CURIO, ends up with his arm pinned behind his back)

Shit.

VALENTINE: Again, sorry about this Miss, we didn’t mean to interrupt your business. 

ANTONIO: Owwwwwwww. Okay, okay, this is fine. (To VIOLA) Hey babe, not that this isn’t completely your fault right now, but could you be a bro and give me back my wallet, it would come in handy right about now.

VIOLA(pissed as anything): Why?

ANTONIO: The switchblade thing on my keyring comes to mind.

VIOLA: I don’t have your wallet.

ANTONIO: Ha ha ha, muy cómica nené, devuélveme mi billetera! 

(He is panicking and thus going back to Spanish because English requires too much thinking.)

VIOLA:  

(VIOLA is now rather pissed off, as everyone seems determined to get into his personal business and absolutely no one is paying attention to him despite him being the person who accidentally started this fight. He really just wants to go back to making out with Olivia and getting costume repairs done.)

I don’t have your fucking wallet Tony! Why are you even here! Is there nowhere I can get away from you and the incessant poking into my personal life from other people? I don’t need you here, I don’t need you in my life! I can take care of my own damn self, can you stay out of where you’re not wanted? Just get out of my face! 

(The last few sentences are unnecessarily harsh, aimed more at DREW than anyone else, but no one seems to realize this.

ANTONIO suddenly goes limp in CURIO’s hold, devastated. VALENTINE AND CURIO begin to drag him away)

ANTONIO (babbling): Yo...yo..lo siento, pensé-no lo decía en serio tu polla! Que problemas mi falta no lo decía en serio, Seb! Te amo! Te amo, tu polla, no lo decía en serio, lo siento!

(VALENTINE and CURIO exit, dragging ANTONIO with them as he continues to shout a bit.

Most of the crowd disperses pretty quickly when it becomes obvious there’s not going to be a fight. This leaves VIOLA with TOBY and DREW. FESTE has arrived at some point, observing from the edge of the stage. He really does pop up everywhere.)

DREW: What the fuck just happened?

TOBY: You think I know?

VIOLA: Did he just say Seb?

TOBY: You think I know? Dude, my other languages are Cantonese and Hebrew.

DREW: Who was that?

VIOLA: My idiot brother’s idiot boyfriend...I think I gotta go now. It was great talking to you Drew, really. See you on stage.

(VIOLA twists out of DREW’s hold, which he only manages to do because DREW is deeply confused right now. VIOLA exits, running off stage.

DREW deflates, slumping against a tree and putting her hands in her hair.)

DREW: I am so quitting this club, I swear I’m quitting.

TOBY: I know babe, I know. 

(beat. TOBY puts an arm around DREW and shows her the recording of the ‘fight’.)

On the bright side, that was hilarious.

End Scene.

Chapter Text

Setting: Opening Night, 20 minutes until the curtain goes up. In the WYW Theatre building, Duke’s dressing room. This is actually a closet with a mirror duct-taped to the wall and three posters situated next to it, stuck up with glittery washi-tape. The posters are of Rita Moreno, Eva Mendes, and Idris Elba. You can say many things about Duke, but he does have good taste. 

    At Rise: Feste enters in a hurry, presumably having just come from watching Cesario and Antonio get their asses handed to them at the end of the previous act. Duke is pacing, as much as you can pace in a closet. 

DUKE:

        (For the reader’s sake, please keep in mind that Duke is half in 16th century getup this entire time, and excessively talks with his hands. Also, he is pacing in a closet. It’s kinda ridiculous)

 Feste, I’m having a crisis.

FESTE:

        (Also crucial to note, Feste is in full Bard costume, complete with hat. He also excessively talks with his hands. Assume that at some point, one or both of them is getting smacked in the face. They’re used to it.) 

Existential or otherwise?

DUKE: The other kind.

FESTE: Oh, you’ve got a crush.

DUKE: No, I have a SITUATION. I’ve been receiving and replying to flirtatious letters from a mystery gentleman for like three days now, Feste. This is the beginning of my own very horrible yet un-put-downable romance novel, OF COURSE I HAVE A CRUSH.

FESTE: I thought you were straight.

DUKE: So did I, man. So. Did. I.

FESTE: You’re taking this very well.

DUKE: The heart wants what the heart wants-SHIT.

FESTE: Oh good, while you’re thinking of shitty things, I have some smelly news.

DUKE: Did Lil Nas X leave Twitter?

FESTE: What? No. That’s what you think constitutes bad news?

DUKE: Few things could be worse, the man carries the platform.

FESTE: You say this like Pedro Pascal isn’t right there-what was I saying? RIGHT. Your cousins kidnapped that guy who stabbed Titus.

DUKE: Oh, good for them!

FESTE: They’re probably doing their ‘drive around until the dude gets confused’ bit right now, and then they’re gonna bring him here for interrogation, apparently.

DUKE: Noooooo, do they not realize that I go on stage in like half an hour? 

FESTE: As always, your priorities are comforting.

DUKE (realizing that he has been distracted from his original thought by Feste, cause this is what happens when you have two neurodivergent people having a chaotic conversation. Duke is an ADHD lad and Feste...let’s just say Feste is ambiguously undiagnosed but he is most definitely not neurotypical.): SHIT.

FESTE: Same shit as before, or different?

DUKE: Stepped in the same thing twice. 

        (Dramatically turning around to deliver this thought that has shaken him to his very soul.)

    I have to apologize to Olivia.

FESTE: Wow. How incredible, you’ve grown a conscience. Somewhat. Do you not understand what I said about you becoming an accessory to kidnapping?

DUKE: Do you not understand that my reputation is at stake? I cannot go on stage and declare my affections for the mystery dude while still being widely known as the woo-er of Olivia.

FESTE: Does that mean we’re trashing the whole plan with the guitar?

DUKE: No, I’m just gonna clear the air first, put it on my Insta story, and then change the pronouns to our ditty. Keep up!

FESTE: So the guitar handoff is still happening after Cesario’s soliloquy?

DUKE: Yes.

FESTE: Good to know. So, accessory to kidnapping?

DUKE: Shit, I’m gonna need to apologize to Cesario too, aren’t I?

FESTE (Shaking him by the shoulders to get his attention, and then clapping for each syllable) : DU-KE FO-CUS!

DUKE (completely ignoring FESTE) : ‘Cause I’m kinda getting why he’s been low-level pissed at me for the past few months-WAIT do you think he’s my mystery man? ‘Cause I could totally be into that.

FESTE: I do not want to slap you, but I can and will if you don’t stop. Also, are you stupid, Cesario is not flirting with you, he’s been flirting with Olivia for like three months now. 

DUKE: How has he been flirting? There were no grand public declarations, he never once asked for a wingman, come on, I made it very clear that bros are mutual wingmen-

FESTE:

        (Holding Duke’s head with one hand, and passing his other hand over it.)

        Do you see this? This is the point.

DUKE: I don’t know ASL man, we’ve been over this-

FESTE : NO! You’re missing the point! The point is that the point has gone over your head!

DUKE: How, all the guy did was talk to her!

FESTE (counting down on his fingers): Three...two...one...

        (Duke does not get the point Feste was waiting for him to get. Feste sighs and begins counting down again.)

    Three...two...one...

DUKE: Oh. OH! She didn’t want big! She wanted...oh. Dude, I sooooooooo have to apologize.

FESTE: That’s a given, but can we PLEASE-

(At this moment, MARIA comes on stage, yelling at these two idiots through the door of the closet. She will not go in the closet because she respects herself. Is this a smidge of queer commentary? If I could put a bit more thought into it, possibly)

MARIA: Good, I’ve finally found you idiots, the curtain goes up in ten and half my cast is being DIFFICULT.

(TOBY and DREW have followed MARIA onto the stage. It is vital to know that DREW looks fed up with everyone except TOBY, who is on thin ice, and oblivious to this fact. DREW is only here because TOBY promised they could make out while watching Rafiki later and DREW fucking loves that movie.)

TOBY: I’m sorry, I don’t want to wear the hose!

DREW: Babe, it’s not the not wearing the hose she has issue with, it’s that you wanted to replace it with leggings from Hot Topic. 

TOBY: But they have pirates on them!

MARIA: Toby! Shut up! We have ten minutes until rise and we haven’t found Cesario-

DUKE: Oh, have you seen him? I want to do some apologizing-

MARIA (twitching slightly): I just...did you hear me...NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS, WHY DO YOU THINK I AM PANICKING? He opens the play! Curtain up in ten and I do not have my opener!

FESTE: Hey, hey, Maria, breathe . 

        (He grabs her gently by the shoulders, which seems to help her far more than it helped Duke.)

    You’ve got this, okay? Just calm down, figure it out. 

        (MARIA takes several deep, suddery breaths, then a few more relaxed ones. She knocks her forehead against FESTE’s, because this is one of her best friends and they’re all weird.)

MARIA: Okay. Okay. We got this. We can handle it.

FESTE: Yeah we can.

MARIA: OKAY THEN. This is just another rewrite. How are we...got it. 

    (Pointing at various members of her cast in turn.)

    Duke! Your cue is moved up by a scene, you’re the new opener with Feste. He starts playing right after you start talking, got it? 

    (DUKE nods.)

    I’m gonna send Sebastian on stage for the first scene with Cesario in it, and look for Cesario in the meantime. Someone please check to make sure that idiot hasn’t killed himself with his doublet yet.

    Drew! I want your soliloquy ready to go, you and Sir Belch over here are going to be carrying the beginning of Scene Three. I want the subplot ready to unfold by the time I enter-OLIVIA!

    (OLIVIA enters, in full costume, a really pretty yellow and gold dress that Cesario absolutely put way more care into than everyone else’s. Her hair is up and adorned with gold pins. For people who are attracted to women, she is probably the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen.)

OLIVIA : Has anyone seen Cesario?

MARIA: Don’t worry, we’re handling it. The opening is fine and you’re set to enter during Scene Five. Feste you’ve also got some lines during that scene, so hydrate after your first appearance-Duke what are you doing?

        (DUKE has gotten down on his knees close to OLIVIA, who is looking like she’s going to kick him in the face)

DUKE: I’m about to be very dramatic. Permission to proceed?

MARIA: Granted, on the grounds of curiosity.

OLIVIA: Duke, now is not the time. If this keeps going I will report you for harassment. Now, where is Cesario? Mal is freaking out because he ripped his overcoat, and he’s wearing these horrible yellow stockings that are absolutely not part of his costume; I did not sign up for Mal-watching duty tonight, I have tomorrow. I still have to set up the camcorder.

DREW: That’s done, you’re welcome by the way.

DUKE (looking mildly shocked) : Did you say yellow stockings?

MARIA: Okay, none of you can focus, so you lose speaking rights. Pay attention to me . Theatre drama only as of this moment.

OLIVIA: Finding Cesario constitutes theatre drama, he’s third lead-

DUKE (ignoring the fact that he has been told to shut up): I’d like to take this moment to make a formal and public apology. Feste, if you would mind filming this for Insta?

        (FESTE does pull out his phone, because he’s a bro.)

OLIVIA: I can use that video as proof of harassment Duke. These are witnesses. Tread carefully.

DUKE (now mildly afraid but he has never had a shred of self-preservation in his entire life so he continues): I would like to start by saying I’m sorry for not listening to anything you said. And also for disrespecting your boundaries. It’s just, girl, you’re really really really fine-

        (OLIVIA clears her throat, making it very clear that she does not like where this is going.)

    But that doesn’t mean you asked to be wooed.

OLIVIA: Keep talking. 

DUKE: Recent events-

FESTE: He has a secret admirer!

DUKE: (To FESTE) FESTE THAT IS PRIVATE-

    (To OLIVIA) Recent events have led me to discover that not everyone enjoys my style of wooing, and that I enjoyed wooing you more than actually being in your company, which is deeply not cool on my part, and unfair to you. 

OLIVIA (slightly shocked, a little wary, but mildly appreciative): Well, recent events have led me to discover that I don’t have to sit here and accept the way others treat me. That I can decide who I want to pursue-not you! So...

DUKE : I can’t change what I did, but I’m getting that you didn’t like it, and it was disrespectful. It won’t happen again.

OLIVIA: The more you apologize, the more it freaks me out. But for what it’s worth? Break a leg, Duke. Break both, even.

DUKE: That’s not quite reassuring.

OLIVIA: Well, you’re not quite forgiven. No more crazy gestures, hear me? I won’t tolerate it anymore. But if you stop, then we can work together and do it well.

DUKE: Deal. 

        (He tries to get off the floor, realizes that perhaps he pinned his costume too tight.)

    My dear platonic professional colleague, would you mind helping me up so that my tights don’t rip?

OLIVIA (extremely enjoying this): No.

MARIA: OKAY THIS IS VERY TOUCHING BUT IF ANYONE ELSE DISTRACTS FROM THE ACTUAL PLAY I AM GOING TO MCFREAKIN LOSE IT FOCUS PEOPLE, FOCUS! I AM GOING TO GO OVER LAST CHECK NO SO YOU ALL BETTER BE LISTENING!

        (There’s a general chorus of ‘Yes Maria’, which is mixed with a good bit of fear on the part of DUKE and TOBY. FESTE helps DUKE stand up.)

    Drew, Toby, go find Cesario. Sebastian too. I need them both ready to be on stage in fifteen. 

    Olivia, go get Mal out of his dressing closet-

DUKE: Mal has a dressing closet too?

MARIA: Duke, if you say one more word before you step on stage, I will castrate you. You speaking is the cause of every problem in my life right now, and I don’t even like you that much. You are on in one minute, and you are the opening, so do not mess this up.  Feste, grab the ukulele and get the intro started. Scene two will open up on whichever of the Messalina’s we find first, if it’s Sebastian be prepared to feed him lines. Now, we’ve got this, so do not let me down!

OLIVIA: Maria, how much coffee have you had today?

MARIA: Nine cups, I can hear colors, let’s GOOOO!

        (MARIA is very prepared to do some kind of team huddle, but everyone just anti-climatically disperses to do what they were told except for OLIVIA.)

OLIVIA: Come on, let’s get you something to eat before you’re on stage. 

END SCENE.

Chapter Text

Setting: Onstage and backstage of the WYW theater. If this were an actual play, the stage would be divided into two halves-one that serves as their ‘stage’ where the performers stare off into wings as if giving a performance to an audience, and the other is full of props and other equipment. But being as I am now picturing this as being a movie, assume that the camera is following the performers as necessary, giving us good views of the stage and backstage(which is cluttered as anything because everyone is going INSANE). Note that unless they are in the wings of the stage, those who are backstage cannot hear what is happening on stage.

At Rise: TOBY and DREW are backstage, mostly lounging around in their costumes, making a game out of throwing paper(their scripts) at FESTE. We’ll get back to them in a moment. On stage, OLIVIA and MARIA are performing, accompanied by MALCOLM. They are going through an altered version of the script, something that MALCOLM is not aware of. 

MARIA: And would you find yourself freed from expectation, from worry-

OLIVIA: Never from worry, my dear friend. All life is filled with it, especially for those who share our appearances. But perhaps our choices change our lives, and the lives of those around us-

MARIA: Until the world is a-quiver with the effects mimicking ripples on the water-

OLIVIA: And who is better suited for life than the living? Better suited for greatness than those who have known struggle? Better suited for love than lovers?

MALCOLM: My condolences, fair ladies.

MARIA: For what? Speak clearly, Steward, and mind your tongue.

MALCOLM: I would have to mind nothing if this world favored me as it favors some.

OLIVIA: Likewise, if you put a fear for their lives in the hearts and minds of those like us who would demand respect. But would you do this to your near-kin? Come, speak now your desires.

MALCOLM: 

        (MALCOLM is painfully aware that they are going off-script, but if you think he will break character then you are more wrong than someone who thinks Lupita Nyong'o is not hot. He really wants things to get back on track because he has no real idea what’s going on and improv is not his thing.)

   A simple thing, Contessa. The world does not seem to be following the pattern it should. Strange words come out of my fellows mouths, words unpracticed and unfamiliar.

MARIA: 

        (MARIA speaks in an extremely passive-aggressive manner because she has made it this far and she is not letting MALCOLM ruin this for her now)

Steward, if everything were as you informed, life would be dull and Illyria abandoned by half our brethren. So I must beseech you, change with the times.

MALCOLM: Forgive me, I was under the impression that a wedding was to take place, ‘twix the Contessa and an eligible man of noble stature.

OLIVIA: Must my spouse be of noble birth? Must he be a man?

MALCOLM: For things to continue as they must, yes. If you were so inclined, I could fill the position of Lord, my Lady. I see now that your delicate sensibilities and wild emotions leave you vulnerable to flights of fancy, weaker in the face of the work that needs to be done.

OLIVIA: Do not claim to know my feelings, I am exhausted of those who would claim to know me. I am myself, and thus indecipherable except to those whom I provide with a codex and leave to decipher. To boot, my emotions are what make me human, my passion giving me a purpose and a path forward.

MARIA: If love is for lovers, life for the living, you cannot have one without the other. Love is for the living and life is for lovers.

    (MARIA AND OLIVIA say the next line simultaneously)

    Why settle for anything lesser?

OLIVIA: I will not give my hand to you, Steward, nor to the odious Orsino. Another has made themselves known.

(BACKSTAGE, SEBASTIAN is in costume, wearing an interesting hooded thing that unfortunately covers a decent portion of his face. He is trying to call Antonio and is really wondering why he’s not picking up. FESTE, who is actually paying attention to what is happening on stage, hears OLIVIA’s last line and decides to push SEBASTIAN, who he believes to be CESARIO, on stage.)

     There is but one I would choose for mine own.

(SEBASTIAN is now directly in front of OLIVIA, who, like Antonio, sees a short, kinda GNC Puerto Rican doing something weird and assumes this is her boyfriend. OLIVIA promptly kisses SEBASTIAN on the mouth. He fights it for approximately two seconds before kinda mentally thinking ‘fuck it’ and going along with it because-and this is crucial to your understanding of Sebastian as a person-he is both an idiot and a little bit of a slut, with absolutely no concept of boundries.)

I would have this man and maid in one, Cesario my beloved-

MARIA(extremely sarcastically b/c why is there relationship drama on her stage? Why?): Should I fetch a priest?

SEBASTIAN: Milady Contessa, I must confess, I am neither maid nor the man you are looking for. 

        (SEBASTIAN drops his hood)

OLIVIA: 

        (Understandably pretty weirded out and definitely trying to wipe her mouth clean because WHY of all the people she could have accidentally kissed did it have to be SEBASTIAN)

      First, I must have your word that we will never speak of this.

SEBASTIAN: Given.

OLIVIA: Second, you are not my messenger. Where is Cesario?

SEBASTIAN: I have long afeared my sibling dead, Lady.

OLIVIA: Then why receive affections in their name?

SEBASTIAN: I had no wish to disturb.

OLIVIA: Well, you’ve disturbed me in other ways. 

        (Seriously, who just goes along with it when someone you barely know starts kissing you?)

      But happier would we all be if more of us disturbed in the name of happiness than remained silent for the sake of propriety. Who would you be then?

SEBASTIAN: A sailor, my name Rodrigo. I seek to reunite with my sibling if they still be alive, but it is obvious you know not where they are...And I have forgotten if there where other things I am meant to say, so I will say farewell this day.

        (SEBASTIAN then turns and quickly exits the ‘stage’ not being able to come up with anything else to say. He’s very confused.

BACKSTAGE, DREW and TOBY, who were most definitely not paying attention to what was happening on stage, but DREW now sees someone who she thinks is Cesario, so now she is most definitely going to have words with him.)

DREW: COWARD!

SEBASTIAN: Obviously, but what have I done to prove it to you?

DREW: You’re dragging at least three people around on a string, man! Olivia’s infatuated, Duke’s pining over some mystery man, and I’m pretty sure you’re responsible for getting someone kidnapped, I’m actually not completely clear on that situation-

TOBY: Would you like to see the footage?

DREW: Not now, babe.

SEBASTIAN: 

            (At this point, SEBASTIAN understands that DREW and TOBY believe him to be Cesario, but he does not bother to clarify the situation; at the same time he is absolutely ready to come to blows over the honor of his sibling.)

        Oh, no, see, that doesn’t fly homes. I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to sully the name of Cesario Messalina. Take it back, or I will be forced to deck you in the face.

DREW: Please, I just want to finish what I started.

SEBASTIAN: And that is?

DREW: Kicking your ass hard enough for you to never open that drama-causing smug asshole mouth ever again.

SEBASTIAN: See, now why would you talk about yourself like that?

TOBY: HEY! NO! You do not speak to Drew like that! Drew speaks to you like that, not the other way around!

SEBASTIAN: (To TOBY) Oh yeah? Well, I think she’s a trouble-starting, sibling-slandering, little butch-wannabe who’s about to be severely embarrassed-

        (TOBY cuts him off by punching in the gut, which serves as the cue for a full on brawl to begin, which then spills out onto the stage, where OLIVIA, MARIA, and MALCOLM are.

        MARIA jumps into action immediately, because she refuses to let this play tank, this is going to WORK.)

MARIA: (To OLIVIA) My lady, I beseech thee to seek shelter from these heinous duels. Mayhaps find the rogue messenger and inform him that you will no longer accept Orsino’s advances, that a new wedding is to be held that would require his presence.

OLIVIA: I go with haste to leave this den of disrespect.

        (She glares at MALCOLM at this point, then exits.

        Importantly, DREW, TOBY, and SEBASTIAN are still fighting onstage at this moment in time; TOBY attempting to hit SEBASTIAN over the head with her wooden sword while he engages with DREW, who is the only person in the fight who actually knows how to fight, and thus is winning spectacularly until SEBASTIAN kicks her in the leg like the dirty cheater he is.)

MARIA: Oh, I would call the Fool as audience to these strange times-

        (FESTE enters the stage; at the same time SEBASTIAN makes a run for it, DREW and TOBY following him as he exits. Left on stage is MARIA, MALCOLM, and FESTE.)

MALCOLM: Events are changing quite rapidly! Yet I would keep this great house calm-

FESTE: Would you be seeking some advice in that way, sir?

MALCOLM: Not from a fool such as you. I am fathoms higher and more accomplished than you shall ever dream of being-

FESTE: Yes, but I don’t pay taxes, so who’s really winning here?

        (To the audience, breaking the fourth wall of the play and the play within the play): Remember, fornicate the establishment!

        (He’s trying to say fuck cops but does not know any old time slang for fuck)

MALCOLM: Never have I seen such depravity.

FESTE: Then you’ve never seen me with a bottle of tequila.

MARIA(whispering to FESTE): Keep stalling! I need to get everyone back in order again. 

FESTE: And how would I keep his lordship occupied?

MARIA:(Still whispering despite the fact that FESTE is absolutely not because he does not understand how to be quiet): Continue to annoy the fuck out of him, okay? 

(MARIA exits)

FESTE: Oh, that I can do. (To MALCOLM) Oh my lord, have you ever heard the sonnet dedicated to the lusts of a lovely woman from a man such as yourself?

MALCOLM: Never in my life. Does it describe the paths life is meant to take? Specifically the lives of our companions.

FESTE: That is for you to decide.

        (FESTE now begins to sing/play ‘The Fishmonger’s Daughter’ from the Witcher soundtrack because he may be a little in love with Joey Batey (can you blame him? Listen to that man’s voice and watch him be a slutty bard on TV, no wonder he is Feste’s role model))

    Oh fishmonger, oh fishmonger

Come quell your daughter's hunger

To pull on my horn as it rises in the morn

For 'tis naught, but bad luck to fuck with a puck

Lest your grandkid be born a hairy young faun

Bleating and braying all day, hey ho

The fishmonger's daughter, ba ba

The fishmonger's daughter, ba ba

The fishmonger's daughter, ba ba

BA BA BA!

(From offstage, you can hear MARIA sighing, 

    MARIA: Feste, why do you have to stall with white people music?

End Scene to MALCOLM’s horrified face)

Chapter Text

Setting: Backstage at the WYW auditorium, in Duke’s dressing closet.  

    At Rise: Valentine and Curio enter with Antonio, each holding one of his arms, as he has his hands tied behind his back. Antonio is on the verge of tears. We can see Cesario watching from behind some props, having followed Valentine and Curio because if Antonio gets hurt Sebastian WILL kill him. No one else is aware of Cesario’s presence, and Curio probably thinks he’s in the TV show Fargo.

DUKE: 

    (So not wanting to be here and also deeply distracted)

You’re sure this is the guy?

CURIO: Trust me, this is the guy. He was part of the Pirates for a while, you know the guys who work South Edge? Made quite a name for himself, then vanished about, what? A year and a half ago? 

(He gets very up in ANTONIO’s face here, maybe touching his hair or earrings creepily.)

Who would have thought that he tried to get out by going on the straight and narrow?

ANTONIO: Wrong on both counts there, my friend. Still not quite legal, and never been straight.

CURIO: 

(kicking him) 

 Shut up.

ANTONIO: Why are you even doing this? I haven’t been involved in any petty stuff for ages now. I paid my dues, I did what I was supposed to, there's no price on my stunning face-

DUKE:

(trying to be menacing and failing miserably) 

Revenge, revenge for Titus, that’s what we want you for. 

CURIO: You don’t mess with family.

ANTONIO: I didn’t kill Titus! I lightly stabbed him! After he stabbed me I might add! You don’t  need to get revenge for someone who’s still alive! And that was over a year ago!

VALENTINE: Come on, you know how this stuff goes, man.

ANTONIO: Yeah, I do know how it goes! Your boss killed my friend Des! He didn’t stab her, he didn’t burn her, he didn’t even snitch to the cops like a narc, he killed her. The woman is dead. She’s dead ‘cause she killed someone else who hurt someone else who stole something and I wasn’t going to die like that. I got out! You were supposed to leave me alone!

VALENTINE (incredulously, kinda feeling bad) : Are you crying? 

(He leans towards ANTONIO, who takes his tone as teasing.)

ANTONIO: Dude, we are well past any macho bullshit, boundaries por favor . My boyfriend just broke up with me, I am tied up, and bringing up my dead friend is not helping me cope with any of this. I am having a day . But no , I am not crying. 

(He has started crying just a little bit.)

DUKE: Guys, maybe we should let him go. He’s not involved anymore, I was never technically involved in the first place...and I have to be on stage in five minutes, I do have my own life and my mom will kill you both if she knows you’re still involved with this stuff-

CURIO: Shut up, Duke.

VIOLA: 

(emerging from behind the door,having decided that now is a good time to intervene) 

I’m on Duke’s side. Maybe this is a good time to let him go and let us get on with our play- Wait, Tony, when did Seb break up with you?

(For the following conversation, VALENTINE and CURIO are a bit speechless because who is this dude, where did he come from, why is he talking to the guy they kidnapped. DUKE is also quiet, but he’s just soaking in the drama.

ANTONIO is only mildly surprised to see who he thinks is Sebastian here, and he’s about to get some stuff off his chest.)

ANTONIO: You just did, like two hours ago? Right before I said te amo, like an idiot, even though I've never said that before. And it's not that I wouldn’t consider taking you back but you’re being very dickish right now-

VIOLA: Look, I’m sorry about earlier, I’ll explain later- 

        (Extremely dramatic pause and switch to Spanish because THIS IS SERIOUS)

ESPERE, esto es el primero tiempo tu dices te amo? Tu hombre desastre. 

(Trans. “WAIT, that was the first time you said ‘te amo’? You disaster man.”)

ANTONIO: ¡Conozco! ¡No necesito tu opinión, Señor! ¿Conoces, en el mundo todo es bonito, si? Solamente personas feo es cruel, ¿y tú? Tu eres el mas feo. 

(Trans. “I know! I don’t need your opinion, Mister. How about this, you know the whole world is beautiful, yeah? The only thing that’s ugly is cruel people, and you? You are the ugliest.”)

DUKE: Oh, that’s a burn!

        (CURIO and VALENTINE give him massive side-eyes)

        What? I know Spanish! Shut up.

        (He neglects to mention that he learned it from a combination of Feste and telenovelas. This isn’t important to the story, but I feel like you should know that he and Feste consistently watch El Clon and Pasión de Gavilanes and complain about it.)

VIOLA: ESPERE, hombre, espere! ¡Yo no soy Sebastian! 

(Trans. WAIT, man, wait! I’m not Sebastian!)

DUKE: Wait, then you’re-

(OLIVIA enters, followed by DREW and TOBY)

OLIVIA: He’s Cesario, obviously. You look lovely in that jacket by the way. 

VIOLA: Why thank you. That dress is great on you. I knew yellow would suit you.

DUKE: Are you two flirting right now, is that what this is?

TOBY (In the tone of someone who is snitching to a middle school principal) : Olivia, your kinda-sorta-maybe boyfriend just went slightly feral on me and Drew, and not that I don’t respect his disregard for antiquated values of chivalry that say dudes can’t punch girls ‘cause that is a thing that has kept me out of way too many gaming conventions and the like, ‘cause people don’t understand how chivalry should be updated to suit modern times-

DREW:     (Pushing TOBY to the side)

We were just giving him a little talk and, okay, maybe some roughing up, but then he went insane on us-

(pausing as she sees VIOLA) 

Wait, why is there another one? Why are there two of him? Shit, did I beat up the wrong one?

SEBASTIAN (addressing DREW as he enters the dressing room): Don’t snitch to Olivia, this is a private thing. You slander my sibling, I screw you over, that is that-

(Pausing as he sees ANTONIO) 

TONY? Neñe, why are you tied up? What is going on here?

ANTONIO (now fully crying, my boy is having a DAY): ¡NO LO MEIRDA SE!

    (Trans. “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW”)

TOBY: So if that’s Sebastian, you’re-

VIOLA: Cesario! And Viola! I’m...I’m both, all the daughters of my house and half the sons too!

SEBASTIAN (pausing as he unties ANTONIO to pump his fist in the hair.): Hell yeah you are!

CURIO: And what do you think you’re doing?

VIOLA: Guys, I get to be myself tonight. Because of all of you! And that is nothing short of magical. That we, a group of mildly insane, extremely queer, and perpetually broke college kids are able to make each other feel good about ourselves through ART. That we’re happy and we’re alive and we’re putting on a play! So can we focus on the play, on the happiness, and not on trying to beat the shit out of each other? Because if one more person tries to punch me I may start screaming and not stop. 

OLIVIA:  

            (Deciding this is a good time to weigh in.)

 If you don’t mind?

VIOLA: Go for it, milady.

OLIVIA: We need to support each other or we all go down. Is this how you want to go down? Getting way too into dating drama and fighting because have issues telling the twins apart?

VIOLA: When did you have problems telling us apart?

OLIVIA: I’ll tell you later. My point is, I refuse to go down like this and I hope you all have enough dignity to agree with me. 

                 (She looks at the crowd that surrounds her. Reassesses how well that argument is going to work.)

 Scratch that, no one here has dignity. Self-respect? 

SEBASTIAN: No, not really.

OLIVIA: Common sense?

TOBY: That’s a no.

DREW: Liv, I just wanna go home!

OLIVIA: FINE! How about this, if we pull this off, you can all go home right after.

DUKE: Will food be provided? ‘Cause that’s the only reason I do what they ask me to, they bring me Chinese food. 

OLIVIA: FOOD WILL BE PROVIDED TO EVERYONE WHO MANAGES TO PRETEND THEY HAVE AN OUNCE OF DIGNITY OR SELF RESPECT FOR THE DURATION OF THIS PLAY. WHO’S WITH ME?

        (a chorus of affirmations, because this is how you motivate these people. Offer them food and tell them they no longer have to keep track of petty drama and they will do whatever you want them to.)

VIOLA: Then let’s get this play moving! Dibs on not being the one to tell Maria about all this.

        (MARIA enters, seeing as every single one of her cast members except Feste and Malcolm have gone missing and are now doing who knows what. So obviously she went looking for them.)

MARIA: Duke, I’m reporting your cousins to campus security unless they get out right the fuck now and you’re on stage in the next three seconds. 

VALENTINE: We’re going, okay? We’re going! I didn’t know you were surrounded by crazy people! I didn’t even wanna come, I wanted to stay home and watch The Force Awakens again!

SEBASTIAN: Oh that is the best one of the new trilogy, John Boyega is so hot-

VALENTINE: Dude, I know-

ANTONIO: No se porque te amo tu, DETENER HABLAS CON MI SEQUESTRADOR!          (Trans. I don’t know why I love you, STOP TALKING TO MY KIDNAPPER)

CURIO: Can everyone SHUT IT! I am in the middle of something here, and it has nothing to do with some stupid-ass play or whatever the fuck that tranny has got goin’ on. I am here to shank the asshole that hurt my cousin, and that is the end of things.

MARIA: Bitch, you think I’m going to let you touch anyone while you’re on my stage? In this theater, what I say goes, and I say you are out of here on your ass-

        (CURIO takes out a knife and holds it to ANTONIO’s throat, everyone immediately tenses. DREW grabs TOBY, VIOLA grabs OLIVIA, who is grabbing MARIA, DUKE grabs VALENTINE, and SEBASTIAN actually runs away at this point in time.)

CURIO: I’m going to leave now. No one is going to follow me. 

        (As CURIO begins to step onto the stage, VIOLA takes a step forward)

 What did I just say? 

VIOLA: I heard you, I’m just not listening. This isn’t your place. You aren’t supposed to be here so get out . 

CURIO: What does it look like I’m doing? 

ANTONIO: It looks like you’re talking too much and underestimating my brother. 

        (While CURIO is distracted by ANTONIO, VIOLA proceeds to take off his shoe and throw it at CURIO. In absence of a chancla, a boot will have to do. It hits him square in the head, and ANTONIO kicks him in the shins for good measure and begins running across the stage, still occupied by FESTE and MALCOLM. FESTE is looking up as CURIO begins to chase ANTONIO across the stage. MALCOLM intercepts CURIO and begins doing what he does best.)

MALCOLM: Hark, good sir, if you would move nary a muscle until we can discern your intentions. My esteemed self has not be

FESTE: Oh and if the gods favor us tonight, make their will of the heavens known...NOW!

        (At FESTE’s signal, SEBASTIAN-who didn’t actually run away he went and climbed into the light fixtures-proceeds to drop a stagelight on top of CURIO. The dude crumples to the ground. DUKE and OLIVIA take this as their cue to come on stage and try to make sense of all this.)

OLIVIA: Lord Orsino, is this not one of the men you and your officers have sought for so long?

DUKE: A wretch indeed, milady, allied with the worst names in piracy. A story indeed, for my clown and your steward have caught such a man.

OLIVIA: And left another standing. Lad, do you not want the consequences of your associations? To be called pirate and captain and entity in this land?

ANTONIO: Lady, I want a hat, and my love, and some strange fellows to amuse myself with. I take your offer.

        (And just like that, ANTONIO is part of the play, which now has pirates and things in it.)

DUKE: Let us continue then! Bard, where did we leave off?

FESTE: The steward was offering your messenger a ring on the Contessa’s behalf.

DUKE: I shall get gone then. 

OLIVIA: Malvolio!

Stage goes dark, END SCENE.

Chapter Text

Setting: The auditorium stage, with a small portion of the backstage visible to the audience. This scene consists of short mini-scenes occurring during the play. If this were a movie, we’d go back and forth, if it were performed on stage we would just see people on the side.

At Rise: MARIA is enacting part of Act One Scene Five from the original Twelfth Night, with OLIVIA. A reminder that they are all in costume

MARIA: Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA: From the Count Orsino, is it?

MARIA: I know not madam, it is a fair young man, and well attended. 

    (Enter TOBY, who at this point has begun having a bit of fun with her flask and is fairly tipsy. She makes a very convincing Sir Belch.)

OLIVIA: By mine honor, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin? 

TOBY: A gentleman.

OLIVIA: A gentleman! What gentleman?

TOBY: Tis a gentle manner, a plague o’ these pickle herring! How now sot!

OLIVIA: Cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

TOBY: Lechery! I defy lechery! Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. 

OLIVIA: Steward! What kind o’ man is he?

(MALCOLM enters, in full costume and looking simultaneously the most comfortable we’ve ever seen him and also even more awkward if such a thing is possible. Because acting requires interacting with other humans.)

MALCOLM: Why...of mankind.

OLIVIA: What manner of man?

MALCOLM: Of very ill manner, he’ll speak with you, will you or no?

OLIVIA: Of what person, age, and years is he? No matter, my steward provides no aid. Let him approach.

(Fucking SEBASTIAN enters)

SEBASTIAN: How now, do I speak to the lady of the house?

MARIA (realizing that this is not Cesario): This is by no count the county’s man, where gone is the rightful messenger?

SEBASTIAN: It is not yet my time, I suppose. I am no more the county’s man than the fool is the king, I am but the man of one as he is mine.

MARIA: Most admirable, now take your leave.

(CESARIO enters and somewhat bodily pushes SEBASTIAN off-stage)

OLIVIA: The messengers of our land are so incredibly alike, are they not?

VIOLA: The honorable lady of the house? Which is she?

OLIVIA: Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?

VIOLA: Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty-

(The curtain closes on the beginning of CESARIO’s speech, and we the audience turn to the side of the stage where MARIA is chewing out SEBASTIAN as FESTE watches)

MARIA: Why do you keep coming on stage, you horrifying little nuisance of a man?

SEBASTIAN: One, it’s funny. Two, I forgot you were this scary, and three, I did not rehearse whatsoever and I don’t know where to come in.

FESTE: You’re weird, I respect that.

MARIA: I DO NOT.

(This interlude fades out, and the curtain opens again onto DREW and ANTONIO swordfighting, with TOBY and FESTE as the audience. TOBY is well on her way to being completely and utterly wasted.)

DREW: Those of a noble nature are called to arms against the scoundrels of the world!

ANTONIO: Those of a scoundrel’s nature are called to defend their honor!

DREW: What place is there for us who battle so?

ANTONIO: One we make ourselves, perhaps?

TOBY: And refuse to surrender! So says I! Sir Belch!

        (At this time TOBY lets out a massive burp then takes yet another swig from her flask...she may have multiple flasks.

        MARIA and MALCOLM enter)

MALCOLM: My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to gobble like tinkers at this time of night? Do you make an ale house of my lady’s house, that you may squeak out your cozier’s catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?

MARIA: Fool, continue your tune.

FESTE (playing the ukulele and having the time of his fucking life): 

What is love? Tis not hereafter, present mirth hath present laughter.

    What is love, beloved do not harm me, come kiss me, sweet and twenty, youth’s a stuff will not endure!

MALCOLM: If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house-

TOBY: Baby don’t hurt me!

FESTE: Her eyes do show her days are almost done.

MALCOLM: Swear it?

TOBY: But I will never die!

FESTE: Sir Belch, there you lie.

TOBY: Out so true, sir! Ye lie! Art anymore than a safe word? Dost thou think because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes or ale?

    (At the conclusion of this brief speech, TOBY falls flat on the floor. DREW leaps forward, worried, and starts dragging TOBY off stage. )

DREW: Lads, I must take leave of this sport, the horse of our games has made an ass of Sir Belch.

(The curtain closes on this scene, then reopens to VIOLA, DUKE, and MALCOLM. From the side, the organizers of the prank are watching intently. Two important notes here; one-Cesario has no clue about the prank, and two-Malcolm is wearing yellow cross-gartered stockings this entire time.)

DUKE: Once more, Cesario, get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty. Tell her my love, more noble than the world, prizes not quantity of dirty lands, the parts that fortune hath bestow’d upon her, tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune but tis that miracle and queen of gems that nature pranks her in attracts my soul.

VIOLA: But if she cannot love you, sir?

DUKE: I cannot be so answered.

VIOLA: Sooth, but you must! Her love is not yours to command. Say that the Contessa hath for her own love as great a pang of heart as you have for her. She cannot love you. She tells you so. Must you not then be answered?

MALCOLM: If I may? (beat.) I think nobly of the soul, my lord. But you must be so answered, and your affection rebuked.

VIOLA: From the Contessa?

MALCOLM: From any soul that is not mine! For near a sennight hence I have been receiving messages of devotion from this lord and replying in turn, believing my affections of a sort returned. Is this truth or lies? Would thoust trick me?

DUKE: It is you? You are the gentleman of mystery who began our correspondence?

MALCOLM: You are mistaken.

DUKE: Then why declare your affections?

MALCOLM: Not mistaken in identity, mistaken in action. It was you who sent the first missive to which I replied most eagerly.

DUKE: I received the first flirtatious message from thou unprompted.

VIOLA: Does it matter who begun it, end your entanglement here and abandon all pursuit of the Contessa.

DUKE: To pursue her Steward, I believe I shall.

VIOLA: Say what now?

        (Cesario temporarily breaks character here because what the fuck is going on right now)

MALCOLM: This I will make a try of, if only for the promise of your wit.

DUKE: That I can provide.

        (And now DUKE and MALCOLM are kissing, on stage, extremely sloppily. The general mood is WTF. From the side of the stage;

        DREW: Did anyone see that coming?

        OLIVIA, MARIA, & TOBY: No 

The curtain goes down and comes back up to a wedding scene, with all our major players in attendance accepting VIOLA and SEBASTIAN; MARIA is standing at the head of the aisle. I would like to state here-for clarity’s sake-that this is not a real wedding. It is a theatre wedding.)

MARIA: We are gathered here today-

DREW (elbowing MARIA out of the way): We are gathered here today under the authority of I, the Contessa’s most beloved cousin, to wed two persons in accordance with tradition and also to give our blessings, no matter how reluctantly-

MARIA (elbowing DREW): Step forward, if you will.

        (OLIVIA moves forward, seriously looking like some kinda divinity in that dress.)

MARIA: Our bride, where may be the groom?

OLIVIA: Bride-groom, if you will. Be it bride and bride, groom and groom, or bride and bride-groom as here, the titles of such persons matter to those who hold them.

        (SEBASTIAN enters)

SEBASTIAN: My sibling has told me to say thus:

        (He begins reading off his hand.)

        ‘Wouldst thou, a lady of talent and stature and exacting proclivities, not prefer a more solid woman as her companion? Wouldst it not be simple to marry another for appearances sake and forsake complications?

OLIVIA: Cesario, show yourself. I have never known you as a coward.

CESARIO (from offstage): Know it now!

SEBASTIAN: I am not opposed to marrying for the sake of appearances-

ANTONIO: Yes you are!

SEBASTIAN: I jest, I jest!

OLIVIA: Cesario, come forth. For me.

        (CESARIO enters, clad in a long shirt with a collar and a great many buttons as well as a long skirt with petticoats and a short jacket. Basically he is being a fashion icon.)

DUKE: My messenger a seamstress be.

MALCOLM: Silence so we may proceed.

CESARIO: I come to you as myself, whoever that may be.

OLIVIA: And I accept, gladly. If you accept me and mine faults.

CESARIO: What are faults but adventures to be had and stories to be told?

OLIVIA: If like the Devil I am fair, like a Fool you are bold.

CESARIO: I thank you, and accept.

MALCOLM: May we commence?

MARIA: Hark and listen as these two are joined, and their comics united as well.

DREW: You have already said your pieces and others have as well, so I do believe it is within my power to declare you wed in full. You may-

        (OLIVIA has already grabbed CESARIO by the waist and is kissing him full on the mouth. Good for her. 

        DREW looks very disappointed in them until TOBY comes up behind her to kiss her as well. 

        This sets off all the other couples on stage kissing, much more briefly than OLIVIA and CESARIO however. FESTE and MARIA are not kissing, however-

        FESTE (to MARIA): I think this is the part where we’re supposed to kiss.

        MARIA: Feste, we are both gay.)

DREW: A toast! I love you all dearly, but may I never return to Illyria!

TOBY: A toast! For the machinations that fail for souls seeking joy!

MARIA: A toast! To the determined, the fools made of love, and the family found through in blood and friendship! May we do what we will forevermore!

END SCENE.

END PLAY.