Chapter Text

ACT I: Just Another Thursday

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QI93JfG62A ]

February 13, 2020. 6:30 AM

And so, another day began…

“GOOD MORNING, GEORGE MASON! ”exclaimed Ian, practically yeeting himself out of bed. It was a Thursday!

“And you know what that means, don’t you, Eli?” Ian turned to face the nesoberi present on the other side of the room. The nesoberi was, of course, silent as ever, staring directly forward, unyielding. “Ike’s has apple muffins !” He grabbed the plush, shaking it up and down. “Oooh, they’re mah favorite! They almost taste like real food !” Ian put the nesoberi down and patted its head. 

“OKAY!” It was time to move on.

“Alexa, what’s today’s weather gonna be?”

The machine clicked on.

“ Currently, in Fairfax County, Virginia, it is 31 o Farenheight. Expect it to be partly cloudy all day. High, 42 o . Low, 26 o .”

“ Thank you, Alexa~ ”, said Ian somewhat singsonginly.

Ian went from his rather dingy room to the even dingier bathroom the dorm floor  shared. “Ah well, nothin’ much I can do about that!”, Ian thought to himself. Wilson Hall, floor two, could be described as having seen better days… if such days had ever existed in the first place.

And thus, Ian started his morning routine. Shower, Shave, Take his vitamins, Brush his teeth, Get dressed (polo and khakis forever), and Head to Ike's dining hall for breakfast. Day in and day out, virtually like clockwork. The residents of President’s Park could practically set their watches to Ian, if any of them ever bothered to go outside for more than classes, meals, and Patriot Activity Committee planned parties.

“Today is Thursday, so that means I’ve got Comms, German, Music, and Astronomy.” Ian was alone in his room, packing his bag for the day. “Got all the binders, pencils, notebook, no calculator required today, the laptop, and… Oh...” Was he forgetting something?

“Of course! I can’t forget Eli! ” Yes. The doll. Why did he need it? Ian had forgotten as to why he started taking the nesoberi with him everyday, but at this point, it had become somewhat of tradition. Besides, it was college. You could get away with stuff like this, at least in your first year. 

At precisely 8:40 local time, Ian headed out for the day, kicking out the dorm room door. 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpzncaR24uA ]

Not much could be said about the bulk of Ian’s day. However, something was different about this Thursday. Ian could feel it, but he couldn’t feel what it was. He didn’t leave anything at the dorm, and he’d turned in all his work on time, so what could it be? He asked his friend Matthew about it at lunch, again at Ike’s. 

“ I dunno my guy, that just sounds like a bad bit of anxiety. ”, said Matthew.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”, said Ian.

“ Haven’t you checked out CAPS yet? They’re supposed to help us with that stuff. ”

“Yeah, I did, back in November. Problem is, the lady there just referred me to professional therapists. And those cost real money .”

“ I dunno what else to tell you, my guy. ”

“Fair enough.”

Ian looked to the side.

“G u h.”, he spurted.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCgIqsiZLIM ]

 There was some creepy looking girl standing outside of Ike’s, with deep pink hair in twin drills and an ahoge and somewhat of a scowl on her face. Ian wasn’t sure if she was ten or thirty. As soon as she looked at Ian, that anxious feeling multiplied by ten. One could practically feel the “ゴゴゴゴ” coming off of her.

 Matthew looked at Ian with a rather befuddled expression. 

“My guy, is something up? ”

“Maybe...  D’ya see her?” Ian gestured to the mystery figure.

“ Yeah… I dunno what her problem is, but she kinda gives me the creeps to be honest with ya… ”

“I think I know her from somewhere .”, said Ian.

“ Really? ”

“Think so. Can’t say where from, though. Maybe she’s in my Comms class?”

The two wrapped up their meal, and Ian headed back to his dorm to study, like some kind of NERD who actually. That same feeling of menacing dread still lingered around him. Later, on his way to Astronomy class, for no reason in particular, he found himself humming along to “Fukkireta”.

10:00 PM

“(Astronomy class is supposed to be my favorite)”, Ian thought to himself. “(So why do I still have that terrible, MENACING, feeling?” He couldn’t concentrate on the lecture, something about the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, and found himself come down with a bad migraine. Ian couldn’t wait to get out of class and go straight to bed, and probably sneak in a couple episodes of “Love Live! Sunshine!!”, like the degenerate. 

But of course, it seems that nothing would go his way. It can never be that simple.

As Ian descended the stairs of Planetary Hall, he found that menacing feeling climbing higher and higher, with each step towards the door straining him more and more, until he beheld a grisly sight. Someone was there, in the Planetary Hall Eastern Vestibule…!

“That chick from out in front of Ike’s… SHE’S BLOCKING THE EXIT OF PLANETARY!?”

[Recommended Listening: https://youtu.be/tRRfhldsa0U?t=69 ] 

She was certainly much more menacing up close, even though she had to be half of Ian’s size. (Ian was secretly afraid of short people.) He recognized what seemed to be a tattoo on her shoulder.

“ Oh-four-oh-one ” The girl spoke in a tinny voice that reminded Ian of creaking metal. 

“ Ian! ”

“How th’FUCK do you know my name?”

“ I know a lot about you, but that isn’t important right now. I’m here on a … business offer, yes, let’s call it that. ”, said the stranger.

“Eh? Business? Well then, why don’cha go over to Enterprise Hall! They love business, and business accessories!”

“ Ah, but that’s the thing, good sir. My business tonight… concerns you! ” 

Something was up with the whole situation. Was it because the stranger’s head was a bit too disproportionately big? Were her eyes too large for her face? Her cheery smile seemingly hid a thousand secrets behind it, and the twin drills on her head more so resembled steel than human hair. Maybe, just maybe, it was because Ian felt that it was an appropriate response to respond to her offer with

“Watanabe?”

“ Ueh? ”, replied the stranger, dumbfounded by Ian’s brainlessness.

“You Watanabe. Have you heard of her? Aquors?”

“ I don’t… know… what you’re talking about. ”

“I know… that you don’t know…”, said Ian, trying to be like the one of the characters in JoJo’s (and failing to do so), “But what you don’t know that you don’t know,...” 

“ I’m not here to play silly games, boy. That isn’t gonna work out too well for ya… ”

“Is NIGERUNDAYO!! ”, Ian cried, knocking over the stranger, bolting out of the double doors like a bat out of hell! 

“ Well then. Running away, what an act of cowardice! Maybe Hatsune was right about Ian, a rare accomplishment for her, to be sure. Ah, but he’s bound to tucker out eventually... ”  

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRav2TNsYRk ]

For someone as fat as he was, Ian was a surprisingly good runner. Of course, this was only when his life depended on it (a behavior typical of most humans). 

He Naruto ran east behind the Johnson Center, the bustling heart of the George Mason campus. Ian dared not look behind him, for surely, his pursuer was right behind him at all times!

Ian made his way into the music building, de Laski Hall, via one of the lower floor exits. He practically threw himself into the elevator and mashed the button to the top floor like an osu! player. To his dismay, the certain someone was already at the top floor, waiting for him. Ian mashed the “close door” button, followed by the ground floor button. Waiting at the bottom for him, again, was the twin drilled stranger. How did she get down here so quickly?

“ Ya do realize if I was trying to murder you, I would’ve done so already by now? ”, she said.

Ian stepped out of the elevator.

“No.”, he replied. Ian fumbled for something in his pants pocket, but the stranger didn’t seem to notice. Or care. 

“ Well. Now ya do. Now, back to what I was gonna say earlier, there’s- ”  

“PSYCH!” Ian pulled out a multitool, and rammed the knife part into the stranger’s eye! It made a strange “pink!” sound, as Ian grabbed her by the ahoge and yeeted her down the hallway, much to a passerby student’s dismay.

“Bahahahaha!”, Ian chuckled, getting into the next elevator, back to the top.

“ Aaand just when it was starting to go well… ”, she said, picking herself up. The other student looked at the stranger with a look of terror on her face… 

“ Are… are you okay? ”

“ It’s none of your goddamn business!~ ”, said the stranger all too cheerily.

Ian bolted out of the building, the stranger no doubt on his tail. Sure enough, as Ian turned back, she was! And she was pissed ! So much so, in fact, that the long, pink ribbon on her dress unfurled into a tail of sorts, ending a brazen ring. Deep magenta, bat-like wings also sprouted from her back. Clearly, she wasn’t human. There’d be no outrunning her on foot… 

“(On foot...)”, thought Ian, realizing a student in the circle outside booking a LIME scooter with an app. As soon as he stepped on, Ian kicked him off!

“ hey what the hell man”

“PSSSH! Nothing personnel, kiddo!!”, Ian said, revving the e-scooter and speeding off, as the now-winged stranger followed right behind him. 

Ian scooted past the Mason statue, accidentally running over the plaque. Any Mason Patriot worth their salt knew that that meant four years of bad luck, but the thought didn’t occur to Ian at the moment.

He burst through the northeast double doors of the Johnson Center, scooting in and out of tables filled with people socializing and/or “enjoying” food from the various fast food restaurants in the food court, all the while as Ian was being pursued. The patrons seemed to be more upset than anything, as Ian recalled that no one in NoVA really gave a shit about this sort of insanity. Just last week, there had been a student roaming campus wearing nothing but a cardboard box.

Ian revved the scooter once more as he drifted around the information kiosk (the workers there looked as uninterested and dead inside as ever), as his pursuer smacked into a pillar! Now was his chance to escape! 

He sped out of the second set out double doors, into the J.C. East Vestibule. He turned to see his pursuer losing distance, to which, Ian triumphantly cried out!

“Bahahahaha! Nothing bad, ever happens to m-” Ian should’ve watched where he was going. He really should have, as before him, lay the long flights of stairs in between David King Hall and the Planetary/Exploratory duplex, the bane of students wanting to get from The HUB to Johnson. 

The scooter got a good 2 seconds of airtime, before sinking like a rock! 

“UUUUUUUYEEEEEEE!!!”, Ian cried out, tumbling his way down over fifty feet of stairs. Thankfully, there wasn’t anyone else around to laugh at him this time. Ian came to a rather uncomfortable rest at the bottom of the stairs, landing with a resounding “Damt.” 

“Did I fucken’ break my ankle ‘r somethin’? God damn, how’m I gonna pay for that!? ”

Just when he was about to come to the terms of his crash landing, he heard a voice come from behind him.

“ Like I said, that isn’t going to work, buddy. Ya took quite the fall there! Are you well? Do you have brain damage? ”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nLa-__GZig ] 

“uhhh, no. But more importantly, who th’FUCK’re you ?”

The Utauloid was taken aback by Ian’s inquiry.

“ You kidding me? It says, right here -- ” tapping on her left forearm, “ Tay! Toh! Tee! Ka-sah- nay! ” 

So this stranger was Teto. From Vocaloid. That couldn’t be right, because as far as Ian knew, the characters weren’t real.

“That must be some really dedicated cosplay…”, he said.

“ This ain’t cosplay, bub ! ”

“Okay, uhhh, so what’s the ‘T’ stand for…? and more importantly, why do you want to see me so badly…?”

Teto’s expression perked up, and a smug grin was spreading across her. Things were going to get interesting.

“ The ‘T’ means ‘trustworthy’, and a little, uh, birdie , told me that you’ve got a problem with one Ms. Michelle COOL IT!!! ? ”

“How… so…?”, Ian replied, slightly worried about Teto’s inquisition.

Teto pulled out a notepad from one of her shirt pockets and poured over something.

“ Let’s see here, ah… Oh, did she kinkshame you? ”, Teto asked flatly.

“Oh, yeah, while ago, but I don’t know if what she said even matters. We’ve been best friends for about three and a half years now, and I’d never want to do anything to hurt her, if that’s what you’re implying, Kassa-nay !”

“ You didn’t let me finish! There’s one thing the two of us, you and I, have in common… ”

“And what in God’s Name would that be…?” 

“ We both enjoy making her suffer~! ” Ian could’ve sworn the strange ...thing’s eyes were glowing a shade of magenta.

“I think ‘suffer’ is a bit of a strong term for intentionally bringing the same flavor of chips that she hates and replying to everything with Jojo’s GIFs…”

“ It’s ‘GIF’. ”

“Bah, who cares.”, said Ian gruffly. Teto pressed further.

“ But surely, there’s something you hate about Michelle? That you want to get back at her for? ”

Ian sat down and thought hard for a moment.

“She keeps calling me a ‘Boomer’ because I don’t know what Poptropica is. I don’t get it! I’m only two years older than her! How does that even work!?”

Teto gasped and rubbed her hands on the side of her face.

“Oh! OH! Been there, done that! Same here, buddy! Now try being twice her age.”

Ian was confounded by Teto’s revelation.

“How am I gonna be thirty-two?”

“ I didn’t mean it like that, moron. ”, she said flatly.

“yer thirty-two.”

“ Thirty-one. ”

Ian turned about halfway around and said to no one, in particular: 

“ I guess it really is true what they say about lolis, they -”

“ who the fuck are you talking to ”

Without a second of hesitation, Ian said, “The audience.” 

“Aw, damt, ya made me forget where I was gonna go with that! Some help you are, Kassa-nay!”

“ Agh, the point is , we could work together to get Mee-chelle what’s coming to her! ”

“YOU’RE GOING TO BEAT HER UP?”

“ Maybe! ” Teto winked.

“NO! That’s terrible! And how would you even get away with that, she’s gay, that’s probably considered a hate crime!”

“ Because I’m maaagic~! ”

“ Magic?! ” Ian was livid.

It seemed that Ian had only blinked, and Teto had disappeared around the corner of Exploratory. Ian limped over to the other corner. 

“ Ooo, how’d I do that? ”

There was a metallic clinking sound accompanied by a small flash of pinkish light. Some kind of lance had appeared in Teto’s hand!

“ Ooo, where’d that come from? ”

“ I don’t think I get it… ”, said Ian wearily.

“ But you haven’t seen the best part yet! ”

“And what would that be?”, an exasperated Ian bemoaned.

Teto’s smugness was approaching dangerous levels. She pointed to her own head. For lack of a better explanation, the “drills” on the side of her head switched on, pointing forwards now and spinning like actual drills. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the same wings and “tail” from the chase had appeared alongside them.

“How’s that even possible?”, said Ian. 

“ And this is how we’ll get Michelle! ”

“No seriously, how is that even physically possible, d’ya put the wings under yer shirt or somethin’-”

“ Still not convinced? I get it. You’re hard to get to. Did you want something in return? ”

“whaddya mean”

 The Utauloid’s eyes narrowed.

“ You’re a dirty weeb, aren’t you? ”

“Teto, I, I really don’t think--”

“ Oh. What’s this then? ”, she said, grabbing and unzipping Ian’s bag.

“TETO, I REALLY DON’T --”

“Wow. Eli? From Rabu Raibu?! Your waifu, in your bag!?” She pulled out Ian’s nesoberi, bought from a convention on-campus last fall, all for the low, low price of $33. For whatever reason, Ian had cut the tag off. 

“Teto. Please put that back.” Ian’s face was beet-red.

“ Look at that~, you’re embarrassed! Serves you right for having shit taste! We all know Nico is best girl! But… What if I told you I could do you one better? ”

“ What the hell does that mean?! ”

Teto stopped dead in front of Ian, holding the plushie in her arms.

“ Three. Dee. Eli. ”

Even though she was barely half the size of Ian, he still felt deeply unnerved by this inhuman… thing offering to perform some kind of magic trick. Was this to be trusted?

“I really don’t like where this is going.”, said.

“ If you turn around for a few minutes, I think you will~ ”

“Why.”, a rather concerned Ian spat, with his folded together in a pretzel manner.

“ Just do it. ”, the UTAU asserted.

“okay, fine”

Ian heard Teto set the nesoberi down onto the asphalt. That was the only normal sound. Following up that was a cacophony of mechanical grinding and organic squelching, as well as several other things Ian didn’t know and didn’t want to know. 

“can I turn around yet”

“ no~ ”

Ian decided to take a peek anyways.

Teto was knelt over the nesoberi. Somehow, one of Teto’s Drills had detached from her head at one point, and was now burrowing into the nesoberi’s back. Magenta-colored liquid was pouring from Teto’s right hand into the drill, presumably entering Eli and doing… something.

“ I SAID NO! ”

“okay, okay…” Ian waved off his hand at whatever Teto was getting up to.

“ Aaand, uh… ” Something clicked. Sky-blue light blasted from somewhere.

“ Swiggity Sw-eal~

Ur waifu IS REAL 

The contract has now been signed,

So you should know the deal... ”

“Teto, I didn’t sign anything, what the fuck does that mean?”

“ You can turn around now, Ian. ”

“ Хорошо... ”, said a familiar-sounding voice.

The scene could only be described as nonsensical. Now, there were two anime characters in front of him, although at the very least Ian knew who the second one was. 

[Recommended Listening: www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k7ELBPGArU ] 

“ Mmmh… ” Eli Ayase, Otonokizaka Girls’ High Student Council President and Ninth Muse, sat up.

“ You REALLY owe me one after this. ”

“ ...そして、あなたは「イアン」になれますか？ ” Ian had no idea what she was saying. Turns out that real life doesn’t have subtitles!

“ Oh, shoot, she’s still in subbed mode... ”

Teto giddily pierced the now-talking nesoberi in the back, before reattaching the drill to her own head. The wings and ribbon-tail had both retracted by now.

“ Ack! ”, cried out Eli

“ There we go. Now she’s speaking American! ” “That’s not a language.” “ But American English is! ” “ But who are you? ” Eli was pointing at Teto. Teto seemed worried about something, but immediately shrugged it off.

“ Let’s get started with the introductions, then! ”

“ Ian, Eli. Eli, Ian. Teto, Eli. Eli, Teto. GREAT. We’ve got that all down, coming along nicely! ”, said Teto ecstatically. 

Teto leaned forwards. Ian still felt intimidated. “ Now kiss.~ ”, said Teto.

The two “lovers” seemed extremely uncomfortable and were both staring at Teto. Ian’s dreadful feeling returned in full force.

“Don’t we have to go on a date first?”, said Ian.

“ oh, what the hell do you know about relationships ”, Teto dismissed.

“You don’t go to first base with someone you immediately met! That’s cringe!”

“You didn’t ‘just meet’ Eli! You watched Love!Live!, isn’t that enough about her?”

Ian reacted with dumbfoundment. “No!”

“ Ian. I’m not sure if this could even work, considering that I am , wholeheartedly, without a doubt, g- ”

Teto pressed her lance up against Eli’s throat. 

“ What was that, punk? ” “ ... ” The color drained out of Eli’s face.

“ You gonna finish that sentence, tankie? ”

Eli shuddered as Teto pressed the lance further.

“ Гавно… ”, muttered Eli.

Something formed around Eli’s hand. Ian knew something wasn’t right here. She turned to Ian, and shouted

“ RUN! ” Well, he sure knew how to do that.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c ]

“YEET!”, he yelled!

Ian had thrown his shoe further up the road, towards a building called “The Hub”. Ian booked it back around the corner of Exploratory, running into the ground floor.. In the commotion, he had dropped his backpack. He made it down the hall before turning into the bathroom and slammed himself into the nearest open stall. The stall door closed with a hearty “*THUNK*”.

“Finally, a few minutes to rest”, Ian thought to himself. “ But why’d I have to do that on a banged-up ankle?! ” He tried not to cry, and failed!

Meanwhile, an icicle well over a foot long, materialized and immediately shot towards Teto, striking her clear in the collarbone.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvl1gTzUyxI ] 

“ AH, SHET! Now he’s run off somewhere! Look what you did! ”, sneered Teto.

“ I did ? You’re the one who oh-so wanted to stab me! ”

“ YOU WERE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING! THE WHOLE GODDAMN MASTER PLAN! ” Teto was practically screeching. “ Not like it would’ve even hurt me. ”

“ Иди на хуй , h ow does me being gay ruin it!? ”

“ Just play along with the ‘ g.f. ’ spiel. ”

“ WHY? ”, cried Eli. 

“ Don’t you want to enjoy your newfound sentience? You owe me one, too! Bigtime!! ” Teto seemed desperate.

Eli threw up her hands. “ Would you be so kind as to care to explain how ? ”  

Teto appeared to be angered, but she didn’t enter her “second form”.

“ I brought you into this world, and I can sure as hell take you out of it. ”  

“ NO THANKS, I LIKE SENTIENCE ”, Eli blurted out. Clearly, this was the second worst thing to ever happen to Eli Ayase in any timeline, right behind Nagphir the Great.

“Ah, now that’s more like it.”, said Teto. “Do you have any idea where he could have gone off too?”

“ His room. Wilson Hall. ” 

Teto fiddled with something on -- or rather, in -- her cuff.

“ Wil-son Hall, Gee Emm Yoo, VAAAH. Ah. There we go. ”

“ What are you doing? ”

“ Opening a Door there. ”, said Teto nonchalantly.

“ What? There’s only one door in Ian’s room! ”

With a press of a button in her cuff, A hexagonal portal appeared a few dozen feet behind Teto.

“ Not that kind of door. Now hurry up and get in, before someone calls the campus cops on us! We can talk and make up later! ”

“ Well… ”

“ Are ya gonna come with? ” Eli said nothing.

“ Ah, that’s fair, I can just get another one of you off of Amazon or something, maybe even one more obedient! Not like Ian’d ever tell the difference…! ”

“ I’ll do it… ”

After a few minutes, Ian got out of the bathroom stall he was hiding in. Ian creeped down the basement hallway of Exploratory. At this hour, most of the campus was practically a ghost town.

“Let’s hope throwing the shoe in the wrong direction worked.”

“Ooo-kay. They’re gone. For now. And probably looking for me. Huuuuuuuuoooooooooh…” Ian casually remembered that he had banged up his ankle in the scooter crash.

“I… guess I’d better head home for the night, because that ”, he said gesturing to the spot where he had landed from his spill, “is certainly enough crazy for one day. Hol up, where’d my backpack go?”

“Ehnnnh, whatever. I must’ve dropped it back up the stairs.” He didn’t bother to go and get it, knowing it had probably been stolen and sold on Craigslist by now

As Ian limped home, he noticed that the dreadful feeling from earlier wasn’t as strong. Maybe that Teto thing was finally leaving him alone. But where could Eli have gone, did Teto take Eli with her?

“Did… I leave my lights on?... Must’ve, it’s been a really long day. Good thing I don’t have to pay the power bill here, eh heh heh…” Ian chuckled to himself as he climbed the stairs. 

“Wait. My door’s… unlocked. I locked it before I left for class. I always lock it before class…” Ian thought to himself, turning the knob. It couldn’t have been a roommate, since Ian had lived alone in the dorm… at least, until today.

Ian could never have possibly mentally prepared himself for what he would witness next. Inside, Eli, the real Eli, was sitting on the edge of the other bed, eating dark chocolate Hershey’s. Next to her on the bed was Teto Kasane, seemingly not the drill-demon she was fifteen minutes ago. Both of them were staring at him.

“ Oh, hey, I was wondering when you’d come back. Ya dropped your backpack, dumbass. ”, Teto said, gesturing to Ian’s backpack, now resting comfortably on the desk chair.

The sound Ian made can only be described as a mixture between Marx Soul’s Death Cry and Charles “Cr1t1kal” White when he sees a cockroach. 

“ UUUUUUUUWAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEE” . 

The nightmare of his was only about to begin.

Ian promptly fainted. 

THUD .

“ ... ”

“ Can you go pick him up? ”, said Teto.

February 14, 2020 

10:20 A.M. 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHEugXZ3PfY ]

Sunlight was pouring in through the window.

“Ugh, my head… Some weird dream I had…”, mumbled Ian. “With, uh, Eli. I think she was there? And, uh, Teto what’s-er-name. Huh. Why does my ankle hurt?”

“ That’s because it wasn’t a dream, idiot. ” A plot twist no one saw coming, indeed!

Ian’s gaze turned towards the day bed. Eli was there, albeit in a different outfit than last night. One could compare the noise that escaped from Ian’s mouth to Finn from Adventure Time screaming.

“AAAAAAAAAAÆ.”, followed by “Why are you real?” was the only thing that Ian could muster to say.

“ Teto, … made me real? I guess? ”, said Eli.

“Yeah okay.”, Ian succinctly replied.

“ You seem oddly okay with this. ”

“I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?” 

“ If you’re dreaming, why is your ankle still hurt? ”

Ian pulled up his sweatpants. Sure enough, the lower half of his left leg was still bruised from his fall. Another screech resounded through the room.

“Uh, if you don’t mind me asking, do… do you…”

“ Do I what? ”

“Do you share your memories with the ‘Real’ Eli Ayase? This is for, uh, research purposes.”

“ I have no idea what you’re talking about, but… I suppose in a way, yes. I have memories ‘from the show’, and then everything I’ve seen after you bought me at that convention…. much to my dismay... ”

“Wait. You, you were alive, the whole time? And you ‘ saw everything? ’”, Ian was astounded. 

“YOU WERE CONSCIOUS THE WHOLE TIME, AND YOU SAW EVERYTHING?”, Ian yelled.

“ Yes. ”

“Even the thing with the kazoo?”

“ Especially the thing with the kazoo. ”

“Oh no.”

“ How does one even manage to do that , anyways? In front of your friends no, less? ”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpx58lOqZHg ]

Conveniently, Teto burst out from underneath Ian’s bed before the conversation could get any more awkward.. 

“ Ah, good to see you’re finally up. Lucky you don’t have any classes today, it’s already 10:30! ”, said the Utau.

“That’s gotta be a new record for me. Also, why are you under my bed ?

“ Oh, there’s a Gate under there.”

“A WHAT?” Ian rolled himself over the bed, firmly landing on the floor. He peeked under the bed by where Teto was lying, but couldn’t see anything.

“what the fuck do you MEAN?”, said Ian

“ Oh. You know. ”

“No. I don’t. How long has that been there, anyways?”

“ About half an hour after you passed out. Anyways, you'd better get yourself up and attem, we’re supposed to meet up with Neru and Haku today. ”

“Wait, wait, wait. There are more of you fuckers?”

“ Well, yeah. You remember Triple Baka ? The yellow character? ”

“Maaaaaybe?”

“ Ugh, Then, uh… I think Rin tends to call her ‘Piss Miku’ for some reason? ”

“ Rin? As, in Hoshizora? ”, said Eli.

“No, as in Kagamine.”, said Teto.

“Ah. Piss Miku, I know that. Anyways, would you two, uh, mind?”, said Ian.

“ Mind what, exactly? ”, said Eli.

“I’m supposed to get dressed here. With two girls staring at me.”

“ Oh, we can go home if you’d like! ”, said Teto.

“whatchu mean”, Ian spat.

Teto slid back under the bed, with no trace to be seen of her, dragging Eli with her.

“ Once you’re ready, just knock on the ground about here or so. ”, a muffled Teto said. 

Ian hadn’t been up for twenty minutes yet, and he already had reached his daily limit of bullshit. Ian yanked the comforter off his bed. There was no “door” under there! There weren't any Tetoes or Elis either! What sort of quantum debauchery could be taking place here? 

“Ah, Whatever.” , he figured. “I might as well go along with this. If Eli is real now, and is apparently my girlfriend or something based off of what she said last night, I guess it’s okay. Not like I have a choice, lest I end up on the business end of those drills. ‘Personal offer’... what the hell do these assholes need me for, anyways?!”

It was not exactly going to be okay. 

Ian proceeded to go through his routine, showering and shaving and vitamins and all. He got dressed and did what Eli asked of him.

“Uh, she said to knock, here, right?” Ian tapped the floor with his fist a few times.

Suddenly, a bright light appeared under Ian’s bed where the wall should’ve been. Teto slid outwards and got up, followed by Eli soon after.

“what… haaa?” Ian got a confused expression on his face, looking at the Utau like he had just been told that a kilogram of steel and a kilogram of feathers weigh the same.

“ Don’t worry about it. ”, said Teto.

“Okay. But what I am going to worry about is what the hell happened last night. Why are you here?”

“ We’ll talk about that with Neru. ”

“Okay, but that still doesn’t answer what the hell happened, were you two fighting? Are you some kind of demon?” 

Teto’s drills had turned on again, wings and ribbon-tail in tow.

“ If you’re referring to this, it’s because I’m achually a Chimaera , and- ”

“So Teto is Monster Girl.”

“ Well, I don’t think so, but- ”

“Uh oh.”

“ Uh oh what? ”

“ T̷̛͎̗͘E̷̹͔̼̯̽̒̏T̴̼̬̳͖̭̯̊̈́̈́̐̂Ȏ̶̲̼̂̓̉̓͝ ̵̡̧̞̩̙͓̒͋̽̉͝Į̸̡̪S̵͉͊ ̸̨̖̓̊M̸̧̨̠̩̈͝O̴̮̺̠͎̔ͅN̷͇̟̪͔̜̒͆͋͘̕ͅS̵̼͉̦͎̄͜T̸̙̞̱̊E̷̥̝̾͑́͗͌R̴̥̲̻͉̆̀͆̈́͘͠ ̵͉̙̺̫̾̈́̈́̋͠Ğ̴̮̍̑̎̑I̷̙̞̚R̸͍͆̇L̷̢̺͓̓̇ ”, Ian said adamantly, with a blank expression on his face. Reality itself seemed like it was briefly deep-fried.

“ Uh, Ian, - ”, Eli attempted to interject.

“Ṭ̸̨̧̨̖͍͚͚̥̯̺̥̭̼̗̱̜͙̠̣͔̯͕̻̟͉̖̄͊̉̿̌̍̂̾͗̉́͒̉͛̊͂̽̈̈́͊̆͑̄̇̈́̕͠͠Ę̵̧̧̢̤͈͎̥̹̹̙̪͑͂̒͋̿̿͐̇͊̕͝T̸̡̧̧̻̰̣͍͇͉͚̤̱͓͚͕͎͖̜̥̤̟̂͛̓̉̓̈́̉̓̐̾͘͝Ǫ̴̛̖̦̫͍̻̺̩̗̰̩̦̯̙̇̓͌͂̍̋͊̓͑̏̈́͆̈́̓̈́̕͘͜ͅ ̴̧̡̨̨̦̫̱͇͍̟̞͖͇̟͉̲̳͍͖̮̲̜͇̝̦̪̭̻̏̀ͅİ̸͙̱̮̺͂̌͑̉̿̾͋́̌̈̑̌̇͘̕͠͠Ś̷̭̪͉̭̮͕͇͈̗̪͑̈́̒̓̌͑̍͐̾̊̀̀̽̐̕̚͠͝ͅ ̷̡̛̛̘̟̭̫͍̳̖̞̱̹͚͖̫͚̩͖̠̗͇̲͚̪̭͚̏̈́̔̑͒̇̊̓̽͐͜͠͝M̶̛̯͉̟̰͗͒̆̊̊͐̔̅͌͋̿͂̎̕͝͠͠O̴̫͙̠̺̗̗̮͙̦͇̜͈̜̱̠̤̰̙͓͖̫͛̓̏̋̂͐͒̈͐̍̓̓͂̅̃̋̾̕͝͝͝͝ͅN̵̼̠̦̜͈̻͕͈͎̪̹̭̙̬̿̀͋͊͑́͊̒̃S̵̛̪̍̓̿̔̔̐͆̃͒̑̕͝T̵̨̧̨͎̣̫͙̳̰̗̯̼̜̻͔̭̖̲̖̹͙̠͔͒͋͑͆͛ͅḖ̵̡̧̛̤̩̹̙̳̞̰̦̝̱̮̬̩̱̥͚̍̿̉͆͐̿͑̃̑̋̍̓̑̇̂̔̎̚͘̚͘͘̕͜͝R̸̢̧̭̦̻̫͈̗͎͇̥̗̼̯̲̙̳̟̜̣͈̫̥̝͍̈́̅͝ ̴̺̞͖̬̦̦͇̹͎̥͓̜̮̭̣̐̓̌̿̃́͘͠Ĝ̵̡̧̼̻̻̱͕̲͓͖̞̰͉̰̰̻̮̗̤̹͕͕͚̣͚͈̣͓͍̄͋͋̔̋̚͘͜Ȋ̴̢̢̧̱̙̦̺̪̬̲̪̤͓̼̭̤͕͉̯̣̔̆̋̇̈́͐̒̚Ṛ̸̢̛̘̯̀̏̈́̈́͐̓̃̂̈́͋͆̏̇͌̆̕̚Ļ̴̢̢̧̢̨̬͎͕͚͇̦̬̙̜̟̰͇̟̤̙͖͕̽̾̓̉̓͑̓̑͂̇͐̅̈́̆͑̓͜͝ͅ”

Tuckahoe High School (Tuckahoe, VA)

On this Friday morning, Michelle and Rio were vibing in the AP Lounge, with nothing particular in mind.

“ so anyways that’s why the couch smells like piss now ”, said Rio.

“ Yeah. ” Michelle nodded furiously. Michelle really, really liked to say “Yeah” for some reason.

“ That’s fair. ”

T̵̡̨̛͍͖͖̝̥̿̈́̉̃͊̆̂͐͝Ẹ̶̠̩͔͎̻̩̘̦͌̌̎̎͛̏̔͑͗͜͝T̶̡̬͎̠̖̲̖̼̣̣͍͇̳͍̖̺͚̥̎̍͒̇͊̆͛̓͋̿̈́͒̅̔̚̕ͅŐ̷̰̰̺͙̪̻͙̦̑̿͐̄̎̉̈́̿̕̕͝ ̷̡̧̥̗̳̦̱̰̞̠̞͙̹̰̣͉̫̲̀͊͜I̴̮̻͓̜͔͉̦̣̞̬͔͛̓͛̔̈́̚͝ͅS̸̤̘̟̿̊̓ ̸͉̳͇̳̩̟̗̩͈̭͚̼̹̗̮͈̦̂M̴̨̛͕͙͚̯̬̤͇̞̹̝̮̦͎̱̤͐̉̅͊͐̇̎̎̌͗͘͠͝O̸̙͛̔̉̏̍͂̑́̒̆̉̐̾̑͛̕Ń̸̢̘͕̱͖͓̭̯͖̹̥̻̥͔͓͚͂̈́̈́̔͂̆̿̐̾̂̎̚͝Ş̶͓͚͖̫̫̜̗͎̞͎̝̼̘͍̗̈́̃̍͜͝͝T̶̨͕̞̻͎̳͕̝̹͎̘͖͕̟̖̜̳̠̬̅̾̍̾̚Ȩ̷̘̣͇̹͙͖̪̼̅͒͒̚ͅͅŖ̶̳̞̰̟͚̬̞̬̦̮̫̗̣̹̜̐͐̔͋̇͋͂̔́̔̄̽̿̓̍̄͜ͅͅ ̶͉̹̗͝G̵̢̻̪̳̟̯̯̞͉̮̩̮͔̘̍̋̀̉̈́̆̓͠I̸̢̨̹̻̖̼͐̾͒͜R̷͚͔̣͓̠̰̙̩̮̻͉̱̞͍̳̒̄͆͗͜L̷̡̧̟͔͖̥̮͔̪̖̻̮̬̘͛

The entire building shook violently for a solid 3 seconds.

“ what the fuck is this shit oh god is this another earthquake ”, said Rio.

“ Rio, did…  did you hear that? ”

“ hear what, michael ”

“ Didn’t that sound vaguely like a voice? I could’ve sworn I heard it say ‘Teto is something something ’ of all things. ”

“ teto? you... you don’t think it means that ‘teto” do you? her again? ”

“ I hope the fuck not! I swear, if it is, this would be the third time this year alone that the Broke- a-loids are up to something! ”

“ then what is teto up to now? you think she’s with neru again? ”

“ oh god no, her ? PFFFT. Like the two of them’d ever get along anymore… ” , Michelle chuckled.

The PA came on with a screech. It was Dr. Seth, the principal.

“ Good morning my Tuckahoe Family™, It seems that some sort of strange shockwave has ripped through our lovely town of Tuckahoe. Thankfully, no one has been seriously harmed. However, Students and Faculty are to follow all-post disaster protocols, and exit the building. A sweep through of the school will be conducted shortly to ensure that the building itself is undamaged. And As Always, g ooooooo ooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooo OOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tuck-a-hoe. ”

“ oh cool we get out of class ”, said Rio.

The two girls look at each other, and then at Ian. What was stranger, how he bass-boosted his own voice to absurdity, or how serious he was about what he was saying? Unlike Vocaloid, monster girls definitely weren’t real! But nevermind that. The three of them decided to get on with their day. After all, Ian felt had a very important meeting coming up…

Chapter Text

Act II: The Mall Scene

10:50 A.M.

[Recommend Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUh3SSEvpyg ]

Ian, Teto, and Eli were walking on the northern end of the campus.

“So what… exactly are we doin’? Some kinda magic-ass D’n’D quest thingy?”, said Ian.

“ I suppose you could say that. ”, said Teto.

“What… we gotta kill somebody or somethin’?”

“ I suppose you could say that… ”

“ We have to kill someone? ”, said Eli.

“ Oh, no, no, no no… Not yet!~ ”, chuckled Teto. “ We’re going shopping! ”

Ian interjected. 

“Peh! Some quest!”

“ I can assure you, Ian, this is going to be much more than that… Your goal is Books-a-Million! ”

“ Why are we going to a bookstore ”, said Eli.

“ Ian knows. ”, said Teto.

“No I fucken’ don’t.”, said Ian.

“ Well. You will. ”

“Okay, but the nearest Books-A-Million t’here is all the way down at Potomac Mills. I don’t have a car, how are we gonna get there? Are we getting on the bus stop up here?”

Teto stopped and turned around. She looked at Ian.

“ I dunno man, that seems like a you problem. ”, said Teto.

“whatchu me-”

Teto had grabbed Eli’s hand, and the two of them disappeared. 

“oH COME ON!!”, Ian cried out.

What kind of power did these “Vocaloids” even have, and why are they so insufferably abusing it?

11:50 A.M.

“Jayzus Kraist, that took too long to figure out.”, said Ian.

Ian stepped off the bus and proceeded towards the mall. 

“Shouldn’t take too long t’find ‘em once I’m in there. It ain’t everyday you go and see a fuckin’ anime waifu runnin’ around. Pffft. Didn’t Teto say we were meeting with somebody named “Neru”? The “Piss Miku” Rio keeps freakin’ out about in the groupchat. Wonder what she looks like. Eh, if she’s another one of these ‘Vocaloids’ I think I’ll know her when I see her.” Ian said to himself, walking down the parking lot.

“Problem is, what th’ FUCK is a ‘Neru’?”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDUpU0R5hJo ] 

“ That would be me. ”, said … well, Neru. Neru Akita. Goldenrod hair, goldenrod eyes, goldenrod tie on some kind of strange dress/suit combination… and same cuff-things and bug-eyes Teto had. Hoo boy. 

Ian shouted admittedly louder than he should have. What kind of first impression was this?

“How did you find me?”, he cried.

“ Teto was going on and on about how you had to take ‘the bus’ here, ‘like some kind of mortal pleb’. RODOLFO, she never shuts up…!Some nerve she has, she can easily jump both of you here… Ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with her first. ”

“Is there some sort of beef between you two? You two and, uh, Miku , looked pretty cordial in Triple Baka-”

Ian didn’t realize that while he was talking, he and Neru had appeared on the other side of the mall. 

“What the fuck. What the fuck!”

Teto and Eli were sitting on a bench in front of them.

“ Hi. ”, said Eli. “ Took you long enough to get here. ”, said Teto.

“Okay? Okay. But why are we here, exactly? What do we benefit out of this?”

“ You said something about it last night after you blacked out. Something about ‘Monster Girl Encyclopedia’ and a ‘Bam store’ at ‘Potomac Mills’. Is this ‘Encyclopedia’ thing important to you? Maybe it turns you on…? ”

The color drained from Ian’s face.

“Okay, first of all, why the fuck were you watchin’ me sleep!? Second of all, -”

Eli interrupted.

“ It was me, actually. I was tidying up, since, after all, this was the first time I could actually do something about your disaster zone of a room, and you started mumbling. You said that you had to ‘Get the Monster Girl Encyclopedia at the BAM’ and that ‘The book is the first step in my plan to defeat Miku.’ Why don;t you explain what that is supposed to mean? ”

Ian wasn’t sure whether to be complimented or offended by that. 

“Uh, shoot… Oh, yeah, last time I was here I saw literal hentai at the Books-a-Million or “the BAM” or whatever the hell they’ve rebranded themselves as now.  About ‘Defeating Miku’, Uh, I think that’s part of some little inside joke me and a friend of mine, Michelle, have. I think last November or something, I-”

“ Did you say ‘Michelle’? Michelle Magdalen COOL IT!!!? ”,  said Neru.

“I’m not sure how you know her last name or her middle name, but yes, that would be the bitch.”, said Ian

“ That ‘little ‘inside joke’ is real. ”, said Teto, before turning to Neru and saying “ Why the fuck did she tell this guy? ” Neru shrugged.

Ian slowly turned to Teto with a dire expression on his face. 

“What do you mean, ‘that inside joke is real’? Are you seriously implying that Michelle Magdalen COOL IT!!!, from my German class two years ago, is actually the Hatsune Miku, from Vocaloid 2.0, reincarnated from God-knows-where, and is here, on planet Earth, to gain viewers and followers so she can become intergalactically and eternally popular?” 

“ Yes. ”, said Teto in a Chad Voice™.

Ian’s expression soured. With the craziness he had experienced last night and this morning, it seems that all of this inanity was only just beginning.

“So then, why, why are you coming to me about this? Am I supposed to kill her? Kill my friend over some shitty meme?”, he sneered.

“ Yeah. ”, said a fifth person.

“...”

“And I assume you’d be this ‘Haku’?”, said Ian sarcastically.

Haku Yowane had appeared during the conversation, nondescript bottle in hand. It reeked of booze. Haku vaguely resembled Neru, albeit with whitish hair, and indigo tie, and red eyes. And bags under said eyes. Were these two related?

“ Yup. ”, replied Haku, swigging whatever was in the bottle.

Ian’s expression soured as Haku took a swig. His sarcasm fell of deaf ears… Oh, wait. Those three didn’t have ears, just some squarish… devices? Maybe those were their species’ version of ears. Regardless, Ian had bigger problems right now. Such as Teto.

“So now there’s four of you. That still doesn’t explain why you all want me to help you.”, said Ian.

“ We can talk later. Now , it seems we gotta find that ‘book’ of yours that you oh so need… ”, said Neru.

“ Can we get lunch first? ”

“ ... sure. ”

The rather dysfunctional quintet proceeded inside the mall.

However, someone else had taken notice of this motley crew. One Meiko Sakine just-so-happened to be in town that day, looking for ceramic animals. No one really knows why she likes them so much, or why she hides them around her own house. It’s not important, really, but what is important that Meiko decided to take her findings back to her friend and manager…

None other than the Miku Hatsune, CEO of Domino’s Pizza, Minecraft, and Yamaha…

(She’s also the #1 Melia Antiqua Stan, but let’s save that for another time.)

“ I’m… not hungry right now, so, uh, you all can just have fun running around in the food court like nincompoops. ”, said Neru.

The group responded with a simultaneous and resounding “k.” 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ] 

“aight I’m going to Burger King, you guys want anything?”, said Ian.

“ nah. ”, said Haku.

“ If we’re gonna subject ourselves to mall food , I might as well head to the Popeye’s over there and get that chicken sandwich everyone’s raving about… ”, boasted Teto. 

“ yeah cool ”, said Haku uncaringly.

“I’d go too, but that line is somethin’ else. Stretches out the door, even.”, said Ian.

Ian noticed Haku was still holding the nondescript bottle. 

“Should you really be carrying that around in here?”

“ It’s NoVA, it’s not like anyone’s gonna notice. Or care. ”, Haku said nonchalantly.

“Fair enough. Eli, you comin’ along?”, said Ian.

“ I guess… ”, she replied.

“We’ll meet you guys back here once you’ve got your food.”

Da Burger King

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0G7sy6B3P8 ] 

“yeah you guys still got the chicken parm sandwich?”, Ian asked the underpaid, overworked employee.

“ No... ”, he replied soullessly. It was a well-known fact of life that all retail and foodservice employees were completely dead on the inside.

“Alright, I’ll take the Whopper Jr. with uh, medium fries and a medium Diet Coke.”

Ian turned around.

“Whatchu want, Eli?”

“ Fries. ”, she sternly replied.

“Anything else? Nothing to drink?”

“ NO DRINK. Only fries. ”

“O-kay…”

“Uh, add an extra order of large fries, then.”

“Alright, your order is $ y̴̧̗̟͎̮̦͍͔̰̳̓̌͑̑̃̌͊̂͋̿̏̚͠ë̵̖͔̺̞̰́͌̄̌̊̈́̓̉̈́̿̒̒͐̿͝ͅs̵̨̡̰̰̭̪̜͓͕͚͌͐̎̈́̏̉̊̈͒̈̆̏̍̒͜. ”, said the employee.

“cool”

Ian paid for their order like some kind of SIMP who doesn’t split the bill and sat down.

“ Ian. ”

“Yea?”

“ Why is there only one fries here? ”

Eli looked up rather defeatedly.

“Whaddaya mean.”

“ There’s no small fries to go with my large fries. ”

“Tee Are Gee?!?”, Ian squealed.

“ I don’t know what that is. ”

Ian’s expression flattened out and he slumped in his seat. Now, he was as dead on the inside as the cashier.

“The one normal thing that would have happened today, with teleportation magic and evil Michelle and huntin’ down hentai, and it doesn’t …!”

“ I’m sorry that you feel that way. ”

“Jesus, look at that Popeye’s line. It’s been ten minutes and Teto and Haku haven’t even budged.”, said Ian.

Neru approached the two.

“ When you two lovebirds are done with your romantic dinner, you both head to the left from here. I’m going to look for Books-A-Million to the right from here. For whatever reason, the digital map kiosks aren’t working today, because clearly, nothing ever fucking works. ”

With that, Neru power walked off in a huff.

[Recommended listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9PsOUyH2fs ]

“Eli.” Ian had a grin and a blush on his face. “ She called us ‘lovebirds’! ”

Eli didn’t know what to make of that.

` “Does this mean,” Ian slowly rose out of his seat. “I’m on a date?”

Eli sighed. 

“ I guess so! ”, she said, absolutely dripping with sarcasm. Ian didn’t notice.

Ian did his darndest to contain himself, but it was extremely obvious he was failing to do so.

“Then we’ve got no time to lose. We gotta go search the left wing!!”, he said valiantly, attempting to impress his “date” and failing miserably to do so.

Eli didn’t ask for any of this. She didn’t know why she had to say “boyfriend” after she woke up, but here they are now. Student Council President and Love Live 2010 Champion, and some nobody slob who somehow managed to meme his way into an interstellar conspiracy.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4 ]

“ Miku. Miku, pick up the phone, please. ” Meiko Sakine frantically cried into the phone.

“ I’m in the middle of watching Chrono Trigger: The Musical right now, this better be fucking important, Meiko! ”, said none other than Miku Hatsune, or, as some called her, “Michelle”. 

“ It’s Neru. ”

“ NANI!? ”

“ And Haku. And Teto. And two others. ”

“ This can’t be good. What do you mean by ‘two others’? ”

“ Some really wide guy with blackish hair and this blonde chick. Judging by her vibes,  blondie is definitely not natural in origin. No shoulder-ID visible either, so she’s gotta be recent. VERY RECENT. I’m at Potomac Mills right now to get… stuff, and I saw those five walk in. ”

“ How tall is he. How tall is the wide guy. Meiko, I need to know this. ”, said a very distressed Miku.

“ Judging from here, I’d say maybe 6’9”. … Ey, nice. ”

“No… IAN. IAN?! What could he possibly be doing with the Broke-a-loids? Nothing good, I presume. Keep an eye on them, we don’t know what shit Neru’s trying this time, and if she's working with Ian, oh ho ho ho ho ho… He might get us exposed. Some of his little ‘SLC’ slides are hitting way too close to comfort.” 

“ YOU LET HIM INTO SLC?! ”, yelled Meiko.

“ Originally, it was so Rin and I could make fun of him, but he drove everyone else off but me through the profane arts of Love Live Shiposting. Anyhoo, any incident involving both Ian and Neru would be way too risky for us. Keep an eye on them, try and find out what there up to.  I’d come up myself to help, but I gotta get back to the musical. This is the part where Frog shows up. My boy. I’m love him. ”

“You got it. Meiko out.” Meiko hung up, mentally preparing for the task at hand.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au-r_jYMcjQ ]

Ian and Eli pressed further into the mall’s left wing. The two came upon a kiosk with various sorts of devices.

“‘Ello, sah! Would you like to try out some of the newest speakah’s from Beats by Dre™?” inquired the staffer, a rather burly fellow with a burlier moustache.

“Uh, sure I’ll bite. How much is it?”, said Ian.

“The dehmo is five minutes, sah. After that, you may purchase the Beats Pill™ Red™ MK-II for only fayve payments of $55.55.” Ian wondered how he pronounced the trademarks.

“Five minutes you say? Well, I certainly know what song I’m playing, heh heh…”, Ian chuckled, glancing at Eli. With one, two, three taps on his phone, the demo speaker had been hooked up for the next five minutes.

“ I don’t like where this is going... ” Eli thought to herself.  

[Recommended listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db2RGH-GwIg ]

“ Wait, is that… ” 

The instrumental started up. It was the very song that The μ’s had written and performed for their championship, “Kira Kira Sensation.”

“ Oh, goddamnit. ”

What happened next cannot be easily described with words. Despite being in the middle of the mall, Ian started dancing. Or at least, what can be approximately described as “dancing”. It didn’t resemble anything Eli remembered from her time in μ’s, that’s for sure. During the choruses, Ian started singing along, no less. Sure he got half the words wrong, was horribly off key, and his voice cracked everytime he sang “ Ki-ra Ki-ra~ ”, but that didn’t stop him. Neither did the fifteen or so people who stared as they walked by. And neither did Eli Ayase’s bewildered yet cringing expression.

“ Ah ha, it seems your good friend is quite tha fan of this, ” commented the vendor, as Ian resumed his headbanging with the next verse. 

Eli should’ve very well been offended by this, this insolence that outclassed even Nico Yazawa. What was Ian even doing? Weren’t they here to find that “Monster Girl” Book? What even is a “Monster Girl”, and why did Ian need them to defeat this “Miku” person? Eli considered throwing an icicle at him to shut him up. But alas, she felt somewhat of the opposite way. Some way, somehow, Ian’s “dancing” was working. It was somehow endearing, in a strange sort of way, like a pug. Those things are objectively terrible, and their scrunched-up faces cause the dogs nothing but health problems and an early death, yet people all over the world still love those bastards. It was the same with Ian. … Wouldn’t that mean Eli would be led to an early death by Ian’s hands? 

With a final, crackling, “ Ki-ra Ki-ra ”, Ian took a bow. A few people even clapped, and Eli reconsidered her life choices. 

“ What the hell was that. ”, Eli bemoaned.

“It slaps, Eli. Kira Kira ’s probably their best song.” Ian said with a not-too-subtle wink. Ian turned to the vendor.

“So do you have any models in orange? Red’s okay, but an orange speaker would just fit in better with the current vibes of my room, y’know.”, said Ian, impervious to the events that just transpired.

“Sorry to tell you this, sah, but we’ve only red, white, black, and turquoise in stock today.”

“Turquoise? Ehhh, I think I’ll pass here. Definitely going to look into this stuff online, and-”

“ Didn’t we have something we’re supposed to be looking for? ”, Eli interrupted.

“Right, thank you for your time today!”, said Ian.

“ There’s a fork up ahead. Can you go to the left? ”

“But what if I find the book? How am I gonna call y’all back?”

“ Don’t worry about it, I’m sure Teto, or Neru, or what’s-her-name will figure something out. ”, Eli said in a half-hearted tone.

“aight, cya then” Ian darted off deeper into the corridor.

Eli knew what she said was a lie. The only place that the path she was on was Sear’s. She just needed an excuse to excuse herself and internally recuperate. Eli didn’t want to be rude to Ian, she couldn’t bring herself to do that… somehow. It mildly irritated her. On the other hand, she honestly felt kind of worried. Wouldn’t someone like Ian get lost on his own?

“ (maybe, some people deserve to get lost ) ”, she thought to herself as she went on her merry way.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF8eDYCUxHQ ]

“Hmm. I could use some new shoes”, Ian thought to himself. “These one’s soles have kinda worn out.” He wandered into the nearest store that seemed like they’d have shoes. His phone went off.

“ Ian, I found the Books-A-Million, it’s all the way down the right wing. ” It was Neru.

“Neru, how’d ya get my number?”, said Ian.

“ Don’t worry about it, just get over here so we can get your ‘book o’ monster waifus’ and get out! ”

“Well, I can’t do that right now, cuz’ I’m in the middle of buyin’ some new shoes.”

“ Then hurry up with that and come over here. ”

“I can’t find ‘em.”

“ What da ya mean, ‘you can’t find ‘em’? ”

“I can’t find ‘em, there’s only soup here.”

“ What - what do you mean there’s only soup ? ”

“It means there’s only soup.”

“ Then get outta the soup aisle! ”

“You don’t have to shout at me, gawd …” A moment passed as Ian pressed onwards.

“... there’s more soup here.”

“ Whaddaya mean there’s ‘more soup’? ”

“There’s just more soup.”

“ GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE. ” Ian peeked around the corner, only to find more cans of soup.

“... There’s still soup!”

“ WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? ” 

“I’m at ‘Soup’.” 

“ WHADDAYA MEAN, YOU’RE ‘AT SOUP’? ”

“I mean, I’m at Soup™”

“ WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?! ”

“I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!”

“ WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE!?! ”

“Fuck you!!”

Ian smashed the hang-up button and grumbled. 

“Time to walk across the entire goddamn mall. Heh, maybe Teto and Haku are outta line by now, it’s been over an hour.”

This was simply not the case. As Ian passed the food court, he noticed two distinct figures in the line for Popeye’s -- one with magenta drills and one with a very long, silvery ponytail.

“Pfft. Those must be Teto and Haku! Serves you right for falling for that ‘chicken sandwich’ trap!” Thankfully, they didn’t hear him talking shit, otherwise this would probably be the end of MikuLore.

“Hm. I wonder where Eli went off to. Not like she could’ve gone far. Didn’t that ‘fork’  only lead into the Sear’s? Is she still there? Oh, whatever, I ought to go to the bookstore before Neru has a goddamned conniption.” 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ] 

“Hey, I’m back.”, said Ian.

“ Certainly took you long enough. ”, said a quite irked Neru.

“I, ah, think I remember where the book was. Let’s go in. Wait, why didn’t you go in yourself? You could’ve found it by now, save us some time.”

“I’d rather be dead than caught walking around with monster girl porn! ”

“Fair enough. Anyways, Teto and Haku are still in line at Popeye’s, and Eli’s off at, uh, the bathroom.”

“ The bathroom. ”

“Yeah.”

“ Why is she in the bathroom, if she doesn’t have biological functions. ”

Ian hesitated. 

“Bitch, I don’t know that! She went to Sears, but I didn’t see her on my way back over. I dunno where else she would’ve gone off to.”

“ We are literally in an outlet mall. There are bucketloads of designer stores a basic bitch like her would go crazy for. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s going on a shopping frenzy right now. ” 

“Hey, don’t call Eli a bitch!” Simp. Thankfully, this simpery allowed Ian to notice a rather large and reddish-brown book was on the top shelf next to Ian’s shoulder.

“Oh ho ho ho ho , what do we have here ?”, Ian asked rhetorically as he plucked The Monster Girl Encyclopedia off of the shelf.

“ how did you recognize it before even reading the title? ”

“Oh, quit your worryin’! What matters is I , uh, we got it! I… have The Monster Girl Encyclopedia! Geh Hah Hah Hah HAH HAH HAH HAH ! That’s not a good evil laugh, I need to work on that. ” 

“Just get to the checkout already! RODOLFO, how are you even going to live with yourself? Are you even going to be okay looking at the cashier?”

“Oh, Neru. Neru, Neru A-kee- tah . I’m not going to be okay with myself.” A twisted, sickly grin spread across Ian’s face, and Neru could’ve sworn that she saw, just for a moment, an orange glint in Ian’s eyes.

“Cause I feel fantastic!”

“ Could you stop that shtick so we can go home. ” To that, Ian stopped his strange (at the very least, stranger than usual) behavior.

“okay, fine… ”

1:30 P.M.

Ian had successfully acquired the centerpiece of his grand scheme. He and Neru now waited just outside the right entrance of the mall, by the And That!. Yes, the store is actually called “And That!”. Yes, there’s an exclamation point. No, I don’t know why. 

“So when do you think Haku and Teto are finally gonna get their crap?”, said Ian.

“ About three mintues ago. ” It was Haku, 

“Oh. So how’s the chicken sandwich? Is it worth the hype?”

“ NO!, and I’m never going there, or any other Popeye’s again! ”, Teto practically growled. 

Ian refrained from pressing her for further details, partially out of fear for his own safety.

“I got the book . So have any of you seen Eli? Last thing I heard from her is that she was headin’ to Sears.”

“ Nuh-uh. No sign of any school idols.”, said Haku.

“Then shouldn’t we go back inside and look for her? I can’t leave her here!”

“ Fine, I guess we can stay for a while longer. But just to get your girlfriend back! We aren’t doing anymore window shopping, especially at that damn soup store! ”, sneered Neru.

Ian shamefully eyed his six cans of clam chowder. 

“What’s wrong with soup?”, he said.

“ Several things… ”

“Get a hold of yourselves. Let’s hurry up and do this.” , said Haku.

The four proceeded back into the mall for one final sweep through.

Meiko, on the other side of the median, was cramming her ceramic animals into the back of her Ford Fusion. (not sponsored) 

“Ian’s friends… Why isn’t his girlfriend with him? Was the date that bad? RODOLFO, it’d seem so! Nonetheless, this can’t be good. I don’t like the vibes of that creepy book he was holding either… Looks like I won’t be going home yet.”

Little did she know that she wouldn’t be going home today, or anytime soon for that matter. 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ]

At this hour, the mall was a bit more packed than it was earlier. But it was easy to spot Eli. Not because of her charm, sharp style, or the fact that she was literally an anime character. No, Eli was struggling to carry nine different bags, all from various designer stores. For whatever reason, she was wearing a fedora, too.

“ Oh, RODOLFO, Eli, how much crap did you even get? ”, barked Neru.

“WHY DID YOU GO ON REDDIT?!”, cried out Ian.

“ Uhh… хахахахаха... ” Eli nervously laughed, as Teto snickered.

  “How did you even pay for this stuff, anyways?”

Eli began to grow nervous.

“ Well, I , ah - ”

“ You know what? I don’t even want to hear it. Just get back outside and we’ll jump back to Ian’s building. ”, said Neru.

The reunited quintet left the mall for the last time that day, but it seems they weren’t going home quite yet.

“Oi, Neru. Who’s that.”, said Ian.

“ Who’s what? ”

“Oh, you know, the brown-haired chick that’s been following us for the past ten minutes.”

The five turned around. 

“ Why didn’t you mention this sooner? ”

The brown-haired girl seemed frightened.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-kfe6r_M3M ]

“Hey, you look kinda familiar. Did we go to high school together or something?”, said Ian.

“ Tuckahoe High School, yes. But you wouldn’t know me. Our friend Michelle, on the other hand… ”, said the stranger.

“Oh, so you must be one of those people from Esellsy! Great to finally meet you, uh, …”

“ Meiko. ” Neru, Haku, and Teto tensed up at this revelation.

“Meiko, ah. Hey, why are y’all lookin’ at me funny? Ain’t she supposed to be friendly or somethin’?” Ian narrowed his eyes. The tattoo on her shoulder didn’t seem too friendly. “(‘CV-05’?), what does that even mean?”, Ian thought to himself.

“Wait. On Esellsy, there weren't any ‘Meiko’es on the sharin’ list. What do you mean, ‘Michelle’s Friend’? And what are you doing all the way up here up in Woodbridge?”

“I should be asking you the same. What are you doing with the Broke-a-Loids, and who’s your little girlfriend here?” Meiko sternly said.

“‘Broke-a-Loids’? What. Whaddya mean? Y’all got some kinda beef?”

“ YES. ”, barked Teto. 

For some reason unbeknownst to Ian, Teto’s drills had already turned on. Neru had obtained an ornate, onyx sword from god-knows-where, and Haku was similarly spontaneously a desert eagle. Ian began to realize what was going on. 

“Oh. OH NO NO NO. Iiiiii ain’t gettin’ in some fuckin’ gang war over a stupid meme! Count me the FUCK out!”

Ian turned to walk away, but unfortunately found himself unable to move his legs. 

“w-w-het”, he whimpered.

“ Ian. ”, direly said Teto. “ Are you ready? ”

“For what?”

“ TO BATTLE! ”, screamed Meiko, the Fifth Vocaloid, rushing towards the quintet, with a bulky, bronze mace in her hands. 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ovGpZEuDNU ] 

“WHY ARE THERE NUMBERS EVERYWHERE!?”, hoarsely cried out Ian.

Strange arrays of what seemed to be numbers and words had surrounded the six of them. The Boukaloids’ and Meiko’s numbers seemed to be much bigger than either Eli’s or Ian’s, although his always seemed to be a fixed distance in front of him, rather than the wrap-around displays.

“ That’s your Heads-up Display, dumbass! ”, said Teto.

One of Teto’s dials flashed white. For whatever reason, during this exchange, Meiko hadn’t budged an inch. Was she just being polite?

“ DRRRRRRRILL RUSH ATTACK! ”, cried out Teto!

Teto rushed forward in a half-running, half-flying sort of motion. 

KRRCK!

The number “351” flashed above Meiko as Teto landed her hit.

“What the fuck.”

“ Ian, have you ever played a JRPG? ”, said Haku.

“Uh, yes. Why are you asking me that now?” Neru was doing something with her sword. Probably, an attack. That is what one typically does with swords.

“ It’s just like that. Just like, uh, Chrono Trigger or something.”

Haku pulled up her handgun and popped some caps into Meiko. More numbers flew around, “75, 78, 74”.

“What do you mean ‘just like Chrono Trigger ?’”

“ Ya go around, ya take your turn, and do your attack. Must be Eli’s turn now.”, said Haku.

“It is? Uh, shit, how do I do that? I don’t know how I summoned those icicles before! ”, said Eli.

“Just press [REDACTED]. ”, said Neru.

“WHAT?”

“You heard me! [REDACTED], it’s right there! ”

Eli moved her hand a bit, and the H.U.D. followed suit. She picked the one that looked familiar to her. 

“ Icicle Breaker! ”

Shards of ice formed above Meiko and came crashing down just as quickly. More numbers flew out, “71, 75, 72, 70.”

“ Ian! Your turn! ”, shouted Neru!

“WHAT!? What the fuck am I supposed to do?”, cried Ian.

“Uh, something!” Haku smiled poorly.

“That really isn’t helping!” Ian tried looking around his HUD, but his options were pretty limited. “How do I do these cool anime attacks like you guys?”

“ Looks like you can’t. ” 

Ian screeched, somewhat resembling a velociraptor in the process.

“Uh, uh, then, I’ll do this !”

Ian over confidently walked right up to Meiko, attempting to emulate a Chad Stride, and failing to do so.

“Hey.”

Meiko looked at him with a puzzled expression on her face.

“I think you’re a cringe ass nae nae baby ” he announced, poking her in the chest.

1044!

Meiko made a strange noise.

 It reminded Ian of when his cat got her flu shot last year. But he didn’t have time to reminisce, as Meiko soond had a counterattack of her own.

SWRNCH!

The Mace connected directly into Ian’s sternum, clearly breaking something.

“OH! MOTHERFUCKER!”, he shouted.

Numbers flew out of Ian this time, “400!”.

“ And now it’s my turn! ”, Meiko roared.

“KILOBLASTER!”

Meiko wildly swung her mace around, launching fireballs from the head. Most of the gang was successful in dodging them. Most of them. Not Ian. 

Ian swore as a fireball hit his square in the shoulder. Surprisingly, it wasn’t hot, although it was extremely painful. 

“ Ian’s hit, can someone get him up on their turn? ”, said Teto.

“I’ll do it…” , said Eli begrudgingly.

“Cool. Anyways,

DRRRRRILL BLASTER! ”

Teto used the same attack she had on Eli the previous day. Drills rocketed forth and crashed into Meiko, knocking her over.

“ damt ”, said Meiko. 

250!

Neru turned to Ian.

“ Look I don’t know that the fuck you just did, but it seemed to work. Try and do that again next time, ‘k? ”, she said, for once, in a positive mood.

“Aiiight”, Ian wheezed, probably internally bleeding like the MORTAL that he was.

Neru charged forward, her sword plunging into Meiko’s body. 

A critical hit!

831!

“Oh, nice. So now Haku goes again, and--  wait, where is she?”, said Ian.

“ Probably ran out of whisky again . She should be back soon. ”, said Teto.

“SOON? But she should be here now!”

Teto shrugged. “ Tough shit. ”

“ Ian here, take this. ” Eli reached into one of the several bags she was carrying. 

“An off-brand V8?”

“ No, not really. Just drink it! ”

Ian wasn’t really sure what the hell this dark green stuff was, but if Eli was giving it to him, surely it couldn’t be bad.

150 HP recovered!

“wait what, Oh, OH! I gotta go now!”

Ian once again resumed his shitty Chad Stride. 

“ Are you seriously going to call me a bitch again? ”, grumbled Meiko.

Ian did not.

Instead, he jammed his fingers directly into Meiko’s eyes! The pupils felt strangely squishy!

“ awwwWWWWAHHHH! ”

500! Meiko can’t see!

It was Teto’s turn next, or rather it would have been .

“ Eli, why the fuck do you have PoPiPo™ on you? ”, said Teto.

“ What do you mean? ”

“ That ‘green stuff’ you got, it’s from one of Miku’s Companies! You’re literally giving money to our enemy! ”

“ Oh, … oh no. How was I supposed to know that? (But more importantly, why are they enemies?) ”, said Eli.

Meiko had had enough of the argument and attacked again.

“ KILOBLASTER! ”

This time, she seemed more erratic in her movements, likely due to the whole “I got poked in the eyes” thing. The fireballs all shot towards Teto, Neru, and Errichi.

“uh, guys… There’s, ah-” But Ian couldn’t warn them fast enough. The explosion caught the three of them in its blast. 

“Oh shit! You guys okay?!” Ian rummaged through Eli’s bag to find another bottle of whatever magic juice she threw at him, but all he found were various chocolates. 

“Uh, this’ll do right? Food heals HP?”, said Ian, but Eli really didn’t seem to like that...

“ IAN, NO! ”

“Does it... not heal HP, then?”

“Пиздец, that’s my chocolate!” 

But they didn’t have to fuss, for Haku had returned! In her car! Visibly intoxicated!

“ This is my - hic - special attack! DRUNK DRIVING! ”

Haku floored it, plowing directly into and right over Meiko, who made an odd crunching sound.

3552!

And with that rather overkill attack, Meiko collapsed and didn’t get back up . Maybe she needed Life Alert.

Neru approached Meiko as Teto’s drills slowed to a crawl.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABri40TrGc ] 

“Now, Ian, The only way to kill a Vocaloid is to cut out the Core, they’ll just regenerate within a matter of time otherwise. ”, said Neru.

“The Core? YOU’RE KILLING HER!?”, squeaked Ian.

“ Nah, but this ought to remove her powers. Removing the source -- that Core -- should make her no more of a threat to us. Now help me flip her over. ”

“So, Haku ran her over, and now while she’s unconscious, we gotta surgically remove her heart so she isn’t a magical girl anymore?”

“ Wow, Ian, you sure learn quickly! ”, said Teto half-sarcastically.

Ian felt a sense of dread as Neru used her sword to rip right through the now-comatose Meiko. An otherworldly, mechanical whirring noise filled the parking lot as Neru pulled out The Core™. Unfortunately, Neru didn’t do a very clean job at that, and what appeared to be blood dripped out of Meiko, as Neru beheld a strange-looking, glowing red… ping pong ball?

Meiko’s mace disappeared with a clatter and any battle scars left behind on her disappeared. She turned back into a seemingly normal teenager. 

“What the fuck. This chick was Meiko all along?”, said Ian.

“ Yep. ”, replied Neru.

“Are you all normal people without these, uh, Cores?”

“ I can’t remember who I was! ”, shouted Teto.

“ NOBODY ASKED YOU! But technically, not us three. There isn’t enough time to explain here. For all we know, someone could’ve called the cops while we were battling. We ought to get out of here. ”, said Neru.

“SO WE’RE LEAVING MEIKO?”

“ yeah. ”, said Teto. 

“ WHAT!? ”, Eli shrieked.

“ Don’t worry about her, she’ll be fiiiiine~ ”, said a very woozy Haku Yowane.

“ I really don’t like the idea of that.

“ Just get in the car.”

“With you? NO! No way!”,said Ian, internally accepting his fate to accompany these assholes. “I almost died here, there’s no-ho- ho way I’m getting in the car with someone behind the wheel like you. ” Ian turned to Neru. “So we ‘jumping’ out, or… ”

“ Yes! ”, said Neru.

The dysfunctional quintet trailed behind Neru, as they rushed through a portal. Ian actually got to see what ‘jumping’ looked like, since he had closed his eyes while mansplaining earlier. They were running through some sort of glowing tunnel, with streams of ichorous yellow flow lining the “floor”.

“Where… is this?”, Ian asked.

“ Don’t worry about it, just go! ”, said Neru.

As the strangehalway ended in another “door”, the gang appeared in the middle of the President’s Park quad.

“So anyways, that’s enough craziness for one day…”

Unfortunately for our begrudging protagonist, this was not going to be the end of today’s craziness… 

Chapter Text

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4 ]

“Kaito. Kaito this is important.” , said Michelle, over the phone again.

“What is it, Hatsune ? ” Kaito Shion, the Fourth Vocaloid, responded.

“It’s about Meiko. We’ve lost all signs of her. Vitalities cut out about an hour ago in a mall parking lot, and the last thing she reported were the Boukaloids.”

“The Boukaloids? Again ? Well, this can’t be good.”

“And that’s not the worst part. IAN’s there, too. Along with an unknown blonde-haired individual.”

“Your crazy friend, Ian, with the Boukaloids? That asshole who just lounged around in my club? Never thought I’d see the day! Do you think they’re trying to use him to get dirt on us?”

“Based on what I heard from Meiko, it could be far, far worse. Neru cut out her Core.”

“N-neru did what now… ?”

“The Boukas, Ian, and the blonde all ganged up on her, Haku ran her over, and then Neru pried out her Core with her Drive, and she presumably still has it. Why, all of a sudden, they’re doing this now is still a mystery to me. 2020’s been jank enough already, the last thing any of us need on our plates is the three of them making a resurgence. ”

“And the fact that Ian’s involved is just going to make it worse! Surely, he has no idea what they’re really up to!”

“Which is why I want you to go to Ian and… knock some sense into him , yeah, do that. I don’t think the Boukas are still with him . You might want to watch out for Ian’s blonde acquaintance, however. Meiko said she got some bad vibes off of her.”

“Got it. He’s at, uh, George Mason, right?”

“Yes. Ian said he lives in ‘Wilson Hall’, and that he usually goes to ‘Ike’s’ dining hall between 6:30 to 7:00 P.M. Should be plenty of time to intercept him there…. ”

“Understood, Miku. I’m on my way there now.”

Michelle hung up the phone. Hopefully, that would be the end of today’s “official business”.

“Finally. I can get back to Chrono Trigger: The Musical . Robo, my boy. My son. My child. Yeah. I’m love him.”

In the video, Robo from Chrono Trigger was doing the “default dance” from Fortnite inside of an airplane hangar while a midi-fied version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” looped in the background.

“Hmmmg. Robiss.”

The quintet of morally questionable individuals had all made their way back into Ian’s room. Of course, with five of them now, it felt much more cramped. The dorm rooms were meant for two people at once, maximum. Ian eventually broke the uncomfortable silence, attempting to be a Chad.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtjSRQCKdAY ]

“So whatever happened to that gem thing?”, asked Ian.

“ What ‘gem thing’? ”, said Teto.

“The little red gem-lookin’ thing Neru cut outta Meiko!”

“ I’m still holding on to it. And it’s not a ‘gem’ at all, it’s a ‘Core’. ”, said Neru.

“A Core? Inside’a Meiko?” Ian looked confused. “N’ so when you took it out, that turned her off… Uh, mechanically . Does th’ little ‘Core’ power all of Meiko and let her do, uh, whatever she was doin’ with the mace and the bombs and the  whatnot?”

“ I suppose so. There’s a core inside of all of… us that acts as a rough analogue to a soul. These devices are where almost all of our mana is stored, which lets us…  let’s just say it’s ‘magic’. That’s what your kind would call it anyways. ”

“... Okay. But if you and Haku aren’t a Vocaloid in any way, how come you guys still have the same MacGuffin-Doohickeys?”

“ Haku and I are both known as ‘derivatives’ of the one and only Miku Hatsune. ”

“Ah, yes. The limit as h approaches zero of f of x plus h minus f of x, all over h.”

To this, Neru face-palmed and muttered something to herself in what seemed to be Japanese.

“ Y𝙹⚍ ᓵ𝙹ᒲ!¡ꖎᒷℸ ̣ ᒷ ᒲ𝙹∷𝙹リ, リ𝙹ℸ ̣  ᒷ⍊ᒷ∷||ℸ ̣ ⍑╎リ⊣ ╎ᓭ ᓭℸ ̣ ᒷᒲ.. ”

“ I’d say it’s more along the line of alternate Timeline Mikus. ”, Haku said, noticing her partner-in-crime’s dismay.

“ Alternate Timeline Mikus?! ”, said Eli.

“ Yup. ”

“What the hell kinda timelines are y’all from, if my timeline’s Miku is… well, the way she is?”

“ Don’t worry about it. ” Ian did not heed Haku’s advice, and worried about it anyways, although entirely internally. Unfortunately, she seemed to notice. Eli still couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She turned over to Teto.

“ So are you some sort of ‘Parallel Miku’, too? Why does that make you some sort of demon ? ” 

Teto got a smug look on her face that was rather uncomfortable to look at.

[Recommended Listening: https://youtu.be/pA5PGVMHhQI?t=46 ]

“ WELL. I’ll have you know, tankie, that I’m not a Vocaloid at all, since I was created by glorious UTAU ! ”, Teto said overly triumphantly. She sure was proud of her heritage.

“Which is… ?”, inquired Ian. Teto’s smugness intensified to levels not physically possible.

“ An open-sourced and completely free-to-access alternative and competitor to that overhyped, overpriced Vocaloid snobbery! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! ”, she continued.

Neru and Haku looked at each other, and then crawled under Ian’s bed and through the portal that lies beneath. Why Teto couldn’t have picked a better spot for the Gate was a mystery to everyone, maybe even to Teto.

“are you done. are you- are you done yet”, Ian stammered. He started to think that Teto was the real snob here.

“ NO! UTAU has ma- ”

“Well, in that case, Eli and I are headin’ out. Since she just, uh, ‘arrived’ yest’rday, I think it’d be best to show her around campus. Best not for her to get lost, y’know?” Ian turned to his right with a phony grin on his face. “ Isn’t that right, Erri-chi? ” 

“ Y-Yeah… I don’t even know where the library is! ”, Eli feigned.

Teto was still on her UTAU-Shilling rant as the couple closed the door behind them. One could vaguely hear her continue from the other side.

Ian waited until they were on the other side of Patriot Circle before speaking. 

“Why are we friends with them?”, he said.

“ Good question. I should be asking you that. ”, replied Eli rather scornfully.

“Watanabe?” “ Who? ” “...Nevermind.”

4:51 PM

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_HOuJIXRk ]

The two had been sitting outside of the Johnson Starbucks for some time now. Somewhat obviously, there had been no ‘campus tour’. 

“Alright, it’s been two hours. Ya think it’s safe to go back now?”, Ian said in between intermittent sips, attempting to get the last bits of whipped cream out of his Frappuccino. 

Eli put down her coffee and laughed.

“ Well, I sure hope so. ”

The two headed back to the dorm. 

“So why exactly do you think that these, uh, whaddaya call ‘em, Derivative Mikus , came to me of all people to help ‘em off the ‘real’ Miku?” Ian pondered, out loud, probably thinking he was important. “What do they mean by ‘the inside joke is true’? Is all of it true? Is Michelle actually some sort of alien with a narcissism complex, and that also killed Solid Snake? Wouldn’t that also mean Solid Snake is real?”

Eli turned to Ian with a rather puzzled demeanor.

“ I was literally not sentient two days ago, why the fuck are you asking me any of that? ”

“fair enough”

Ian unlocked the door, and to his surprise, there were absolutely zero alien-slime-robot-things. No Neru, no Haku, and certainly no Teto. For now, at least. Certainly, a brief respite in the chaos to come. 

“OH THANK GOD.”

Eli glanced at Ian’s alarm clock.

“ Isn’t it about that time when Chuggaconroy uploads? You’ve always been here watching those videos right when he uploads. ”

“Oh shit, you’re right!”

Ian grabbed his laptop off the desk and plopped down a bit too hard onto his “couch”. 

“aren’t you going to join me?”

“ s-sure… ” 

Ian set the computer down while the ottoman opened it up. Unfortunately, someone was at the window . The second floor window. And that someone was none other than Teto Kasane !

Smashing through the glass, and scattering bits of the window and the bug mesh everywhere, she grabbed the laptop out of Ian’s hands.

“ EYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIII! ”, he screeched autistically!

“ So while you two were gone, I had Uta get on your PC here and install UTAULOID for ya, you should check out some time and experiment with it, a- ” How was she still on her high horse!?

“HOW THE FUCK AM I S’POSED T’PAY FOR THE WINDOW!?”, Ian yelled!

“ Mmm, but I think you ought to be concerned with the well-being of your waifu, buddy . Some boyfriend you are! ”

Ian turned around, expecting to see her with a piece of glass sticking out her forehead.

“Aa- oh. ” Instead, Eli just wasn’t a person anymore. In her place stood, or rather, lied the same, beat-up nesoberi Ian knew from just two days ago. 

“ ELI? ” Ian seemed beside himself. 

The Eli from earlier that day popped back into existence after a few seconds, falling off of the “couch”.

“ I-I’m fine… ”, she said wearily.

“I really think you aren’t. Did you do that, Teto?”, Ian said.

“ I think it had more to do with you screaming, so no. ”, retorted Teto.

“ You literally burst through the window like the fucking Kool-Aid Man. ”, reretorted Eli.

“ Of course, but- ”

[ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1gQhSEu7CI ] 

“ ENOUGH OF THE BLABBERING, IT’S CHUGGAA-O’CLOCK!”, bellowed Ian.

“ Why? ” A strange and zealous look grew on Ian’s face, although thankfully different from the one Neru happened to see in the bookstore.

Without a word, Ian hopped up, grabbed his squid hat from on top of the dresser, and put it on. 

“DA! DAH DAH DAH DAH DADBADA DEDAHDAH BUHDUH, DEHDAH!”

“ Ian, what does that mean? ”, asked Eli.

“don’t worry about it”, Ian wrote off as HE appeared on the laptop.

“ HEY, EVERYBODY! It’s Chuggaaconroy! Last time, we got some Green Stars, this time, well, we’re gonna go get some more Green Stars! And stop asking about the chimney! ” The voice of RODOLFO, The Many Tentacled, and number one best YouTuber, resounded from the laptop.

Teto and Eli had no idea what was happening, but, nonetheless, Ian seemed to really enjoy himself. The “show” wrapped up about nineteen minutes later.

“Anyways what was I supposed to do? Riiight, I was supposed to meet up with Matthew for dinner…” 

“ Matthew? ”, said Eli.

“A friend of mine, do you want to come with, Eli?”

“ Why can’t I come? ”, asked Teto.

“They don’t have baguettes, for one!” Ian said, intending to be sarcastic, but not quite pulling it off.

“ count me out, then… ” Teto defeatedly said before sliding back under the bed.

“AND TWO- Wait. Oh, shouldn’t you guys be keepin’ a lookout?”

“ For what? ”

“That uh, the ‘Vocaloid’ we ran into outside the mall today. She said her name was ‘Meiko’, right?. Aren’t there, like, five others , Miku notwithstanding?”

 Teto grew concerned.

“ Y-you’re right, but I don’t think another one would attack this soon… ”, she said, actually nervous for once.

“If we really are dealing with some sort of crazed demigoddess, as you claim , then why wouldn ’ t she go all-out after the first sign of a big threat? Now, if anybody -” Ian waved his hand around towards the bottom of the bed. “- else needs me, Eli and I are going to Ike’s. Cya, bitch!”, he said storming off.

“ Do I have to go with him? ”, dully asked Eli. 

“ Do you want to live to see tomorrow? ”, asked Teto.

“ ...I’ll take that as a yes. ”

5:54 P.M.

“ So who’s Matthew, again? ”, asked Eli.

“One of my friends from class last semester.”

Matthew was waiting outside of the dining hall, looking at something on his phone. He was a bespectacled rather tall sort of fellow, but not as tall as Ian.

“ Hey, Ian! How’s it been? ” Matthew noticed that Ian wasn’t walking by himself tonight.

“Oh, Matt, this is my girlfriend, … Eli…” Literally the first line of dialogue, and he had already made it awkward. Truly, Ian was a master at this.

“ ... Ian. Since when did you have a girlfriend? ”, asked a very doubtful Matthew.

Eli grew nervous.

“Uh… last week.”, said Ian. Did he just not recognize that he was standing next to a (at least as of three days ago) fictional character?

“You started dating… last week? ”, inquired Matthew.

“ Yes. ”, said Ian. Matthew pressed further.

“ Dude, then why didn’t you tell me when you saw me Tuesday!? ”, he asked.

Ian smirked.  “Why, I didn’t think I’d get a second date!” No one laughed at his joke.

“ So this is you guys’ second time together? ”

“ ...Yep. ”, said Eli.

“It’s the third!”

“ What do you mean ‘it’s the third’? ”, said Eli.

“We went to Burger King today? Doesn’t that count?”

“ No! They got my order wrong anyways. ”

“Well… I guess that makes it our second time together.”

Matthew realized something.

“ Wait, your name is ‘Eli’, and you have blonde hair in a ponytail… ” Matthew asked as he grew puzzled. “ ... Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? ”

“ M-maybe just around campus… ” a very nervous Eli responded.

“ Fair enough, there’s, like, 30,000 people here. ”

Ian objected, “Enough with the chit chat, let’s get some grub goin’!”, and headed inside, leaving the others.

Matthew gave Eli a strange look and laughed.

“ Why are you with him? You clearly deserve better. ” 

“ I have no fucking clue. ” He got closer to Eli.

“ Just between you and me… Get away from him while you still can! Far, far away! ”, Matthew whispered.

“ Uh… thanks. ”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrJttegFqlU ] 

“ Aaaand, three…, two…, one…, Six O’clock, right on the dot. Ian’s supposed to be inside there. ”

Kaito walked closer to Ike’s. 

“And there he is… Ian…  with two others. In the food place. Ugh, there’s way too much attention if I pull anything in there. Is there a way to draw Ian out? Might as well go in and give it a shot…”  

“So anyways, that’s how I figured out that cutting your fingernails is a JoJo reference.”, Ian said before scarfing down another slice of subpar Sodexo pizza. Matthew pretended to care, solemnly nodding. Eli interrupted Ian’s ‘feasting’. 

“ how do you even manage yourself to eat trash like this ? ”, eyeing the other two slices, that had presumably hardened by now.

“Oh? Ike’s Pizza? Ya get used to it.”, said Ian.

“ You’re an on-campus student, and yet you haven’t been exposed to Ichael’s Pizza yet? ”, Matthew exclaimed in disbelief.

It was clear to Ian that Eli had to improvise.

“ I live at Global… ”

“And you haven’t been to Ike’s once? ”

“ W-well I just transferred here at the start of this semester, a-and- ”

Eli’s improv was cut short by a new voice.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jy-kQpjtWY0 ]

“ Ian!! ”, he yelled. A few people turned to look, before resuming their usual inanity. A strange man was standing in the dining hall. He had deep blue eyes and even bluer hair, which must have cost him a fortune in hair dye. Furthermore, he was wearing some kind of strange-looking trench coat, that reminded Ian of a lab coat.

“Jake? From the STEM Club last year?”, said Ian naively.

“( HOW DID HE KNOW WHO I WAS!?) ”, thought Kaito. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because they were in the same club.

“Did you dye your hair blue?”, asked Ian.

Matthew looked bewildered.

“ You know this freak? ”, he asked.

“Well yeah, we were in the same club last year in high school.”, said Ian. “Hey, how’s being the club president working out?”

“ I’m not here for small talk. ”, “Jake” said sternly. 

“Well, why’re you at George Mason? Did ya get lost on your Orientation tour or somethin’?”

“ No. If you have to know why I’m here,” Jake slammed his fists on the table.  

“Why don’t we find somewhere quiet ….? ” He got dangerously close to Ian. It was kind of awkward. “ Without many people around. ”

“Do I have to?”, asked Ian.

“ Yes! ”, said “Jake.”

“Matthew and I were gonna hang afterwards, can he come, too?”, asked Ian.

“ No. ”, said “Jake” irritatedly. 

“Sorry, Matthew.” He didn’t seem to mind. “Okay, fine. We’ll go to a parking lot or something. What the hell could be so important…”

Ian got up and left, with the strange individual pursuing him.

“ I’m…  going after them. ” Eli muttered as Matthew seemed to be extremely concerned.

“You… do realize Ian’s gonna get murdered or something, right ?”, said Matthew.

“ Yes, and this is the second time I’m going to have to cover for his sorry butt. ”, Eli bemoaned before exiting the dining area. 

“The SECOND time!? ” She was already out the door before Matthew could get another word.

Matthew sat back down.

“Huh, come to think of it, Ian’s anime toy-thing he showed off several times… wasn’t that character’s name Eli, too? With blonde hair, in a ponytail?” He furrowed his brow.

“Hm. Must be a coincidence.”

6:21 P.M.

It had seemed the sky had seemingly become 100% overcast. No stars would be seen even if it weren ’ t so cloudy, given the amount of streetlights peppered across the parking lot the two were in. 

“Okay, here . Is Lot A quiet enough for you, Jake ?”, said Ian, sarcastically.

“ Stop calling me ‘Jake’! ”, said… Well, Ian thought he was Jake.

“... But that’s your name?”

“ It really isn’t. ” No. This was, in fact, NOT Jake, from the STEM club, or at the very least, not him right now.

“Oh?”

Ian noticed the tattoo on his left shoulder: “CV-04”. It matched the tattoo on Meiko, who attacked him earlier that day. Before him stood none other than CV-04, Kaito Shion!

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LJP9QWFcL8 ]

“OH.” It just took Ian a minute to process what was about to go down. “You’re gonna to stab me now, aren’t ya, Kaiko ? Take yer rooty-tooty-pointy-n’shooty n’ bash m’head in?”

“Kaito. And, no, good sir, I have something else in mind! Something only the likes of a gamejacker like you ought to deserve!”, yelled 

“Well, first, have I got somethin’ to say to you !”, Ian said,

Once again, Ian pulled off his Chad Stride, right up to his potential assassin. 

“Guess what”

Kaito said nothing, glaring into Ian’s soul with a mixture of anger and contempt. He was not going to guess, for he, an accomplished engineer, knew better than that.

“ I think you’re a bitch. ”

No effect!

“wat?”, said Ian.

“ Did you really think that stupid, stupid trick was going to work a s econd time? ”, taunted Kaito.

“Yes.”

“ Well, it wouldn’t! I really don’t know what you were expecting. ”

Kaito unsheathed what he was hiding beneath his coat -- some kind of metallic, blue crossbow.

“ You really shouldn’t have done that, Ian. ”

“Why, are you gonna shoot me now?”

“ No. I was planning on beating you upside the head with this-- OF COURSE I’M GONNA FUCKING SHOOT YOU. FOR THIS, IS MY GREATEST CREATION YET, THE CUSTOM DRIVE, THE BOREINATOR!! ”, yelled Kaito.

“It’s about to half bore me to death.”, said Ian. Kaito seemed like he was going to do the “anime-glasses-push” thing, but unfortunately for him, he wore contacts.

“ WHY, GOOD SIR, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES! THIS BAD BABY CAN BORE STRAIGHT THROUGH EVEN NETHERITE-PLATED TITANIUM, USING ONLY WATER, ONE OF THE MOST COMMON SUBSTANCES ON EARTH, AND MY CUSTOM-MIXED ABRASIVE AGENT!! ”

“Netherite’s s’posed to be real…? Seriously, is this all some kind of Bad LARP?”

The crossbow had been charging some sort of bluish energy. Was this that “magic” stuff that Neru was carrying on about? Was this the same deal across the board, with Whatever Meiko was doing, Teto’s, uh, drills , and Eli’s supposed cryomancy?

“ YOUR TALK BORES ME, INTERLOPER! ” Kaito took aim, and the tip of the “bolt” glowed cerulean. “ SHINEI, IAN!! ”, he roared, pulling the trigger! Ian braced for impact

A watery beam of pure energy rocketed forth, striking Ian square in the gut! He stumbled over, and… that was about it. Ian opened his eyes to find out that, unfortunately, the only hole in him was emotional in nature.

“ NANI!? ”, yelled Kaito. He checked some of the dials on the BOREINATOR. He was supposed to replace the weapon’s abrasive tank today, however, he had forgotten. The beam that struck Ian had been nothing more than oddly light water. This was bad for Kaito, but good for Ian, because any other way would result in him missing his entire torso. 

“ KA! KAHAHA! IT MATTERS NOT! FOR I, SHION KAITO, HA- ”

“Bitch, you ruined my one good shirt!”, Ian interrupted. He took the flannel button down off, due to the fact that it was now absolutely soaked. Thankfully, he still had a plain, white t-shirt underneath. No one in their right mind would want to behold the sight of Ian shirtless, Human, Cryptloid, School Idol, or whatever.

“ You know what, maybe I WILL bash your head in with this thing! Look at that! The fool turns out to be right! What is this, Twitter? ”, Kaito boasted.

Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t that simple, as the two were clearly some distance apart, and the BOREINATOR was connected to a spare water tank on Katio’s back (how he got that into Ike’s without anyone knowing is a mystery), so it’s not like he could throw it.

His only option, then, was to rush Ian, who seemed to be anticipating this, pulling out a certain Central European multitool, attempting to counterattack.

Katio got a good few swings in, scoring the first few hits!

120! 80! 100!

But Ian seemed to go under his blows, repeatedly striking his abdomen!

510! 490! 500!  

Back and forth they went, mano y mano , for several minutes!

Eli happened to finally make it onto the scene, but upon seeing Ian and Kaito trapped in a Big Ball of Violence™, with both human and nonhuman blood being shed, decided that it would be best to wait it out. A part of her even hoped Ian lost. 

Fortunately, the ball didn’t last long, as Ian pinned Kaito by the  back of the neck to the pavement and raised his knife high. For a split second, Eli could’ve sworn she saw a terrible glint in Ian’s eye, right before he plunged the knife down into Kaito’s head. Repeatedly. 

“ Tyehehehehehe!! ” , Ian cackled, but to be frank, it didn’t even sound like him. Ian prepared for a killing blow, plunging the knife straight into Kaito’s back, straight through his coat, as he let out a yelp!

3,500!

He pulled out a small, glowing, deep blue, somewhat triangular ball, and a similar whirring sound filled the nigh-abandoned parking lot. Ian’s whole arm was also covered in a vaguely gelatinous, cerulean substance. Katio’s hair had also turned from blue to black

Eli decided that now would be a good time to reemerge, only to find Ian perfectly back to his senses.

“ Дерьмо! What the fuck happened here!? ”, she cried out. Ian dropped Kaito and hastily stood up.

“Uhh, good question. I think I won…”, he said nonchalantly. Ian wiped his hand off on his khakis, trying to get the goo off. It kind of felt like sand.

“ ‘Good question’? Don’t give me that, what with the maniacal laughter, and stabbing prowess that would make Kotori jealous! ”

“I literally. Do not remember doin’ that.”, Ian said flatly.

“Блять! How could you not remember when it was barely two minutes ago!? ”

“Do I look like a fuckin’ psychiatrist to you?” 

Eli just kind of stared at him for a minute. No. He didn’t. He looked like a failure .  

“ Screw it, let’s just go back… ”

“Yay! I get to go to bed!”  

“ But it’s not even seven o’clock yet…? ”

6:58 P.M.

“So if anyone asks about what just happened, what’re we s’posed to tell ‘em?”, asked Ian.

“ About you being banged up? ”, responded Eli.

“That, but more importantly, whatever crazy… blue guy that just showed up and tried to murder me.”

Eli seemed discontented with that remark.

“ If anybody’s ‘crazy’ here, I’d say it’s you… ”

“Is this about the kazoo thing again?”

“ N-no, more so about- ”

To Ian’s dismay, both Neru and Haku were in his room, seemingly waiting for him.

“Oh, so how was dinner?~”, said Haku.

“ Good RODOLFO, you look fucked up, what fresh hell happened to you? ”, said Neru.

“I fell down the stairs!”, Ian vehemently replied. 

“ Uh-huh. ” Neru did a double take. 

“ You fell down the stairs and got bone-soaking wet in the process somehow? ”

“mmmyes”

“ And then the stairs stained your pants blue? ”, Haku interjected.

Ian’s improvisation clearly wasn’t working.

“ And to top it off, you got something in your coat pocket that’s glowing. ” Neru said, leaning forward, her hands coming together in a rather foreboding mannerism. “ Would you mind if I had a look at it? ”

“Why, yes, actually”, said Ian.

But it seemed that DEN-2 was having none of Ian’s shit, because she seemingly made herself right at home in Ian’s coat. 

“ Ian. Where did you get this? ”, Neru articulated, holding the Core in her hand. To an untrained eye, it would resemble a trillion-cut sapphire.

“ from when I fell down the stairs ”, Ian sputtered.

“ Kaito, we got ambushed by Kaito. He somehow made his way over here to Mason, pinpointed Ian while we were at the dining hall, then lured him out to a remote parking lot before trying to kill him. ”, Eli explained.

“ Oh, shit. ”, said Haku.

“ If Kaito showed up within a matter of hours, well, that’s gonna be bad news for all of us. ” Neru turned and proceeded to glare right through Ian’s soul. “ But more importantly, Haku and I decided to look through this fucking thing whole you two were having fun with Kaito, and I’d like to take a moment to ask, just what the everloving shit you plan on doing with this ?! ”, pulling the M.G.E. out from a bag.

“oh…” Ian seemingly didn’t know what he was supposed to do. 

“ ‘Oh.’ You don’t have an answer, do you? You dumbass! You bitch! Then what the fuck were we doing earlier? All for some porn book so your hygy little brain would be satisfied for a few minutes, and then immediately throw it in the trash like the weeaboo, degenerate fatass that you are! I… ”

“ I think that’s enough, Neru ”, said Eli.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CewwiE3-qg ]

“Wait.”, said Ian.

Ian had a vacant look on his face, but not quite like the stab-happy demeanor he’d had a few minutes ago.

“ Oh, what the fuck is it now ! ” Neru threw her hands up in a sarcastic manner.

“ Where the hell is Teto? ”

“ As if I know… She never 100% listens to us. ”

“ Why are you asking that now ? ”, asked Eli.

All eyes were on Ian.

“When she was, uh, making Eli, I saw her doing something with her arm. There was some kind of… evil juice coming out. Meiko and Kaito also were filled with juice, albeit of vastly different colors.” Ian said.

“ What? ”

“What if… we get the juice on the MGE? What happens then? Would a monster girl come out or something? Would all of them come out?”

“ I don’t like where this is going… ”

“ I do! ”, chimed Haku.

An uncomfortable wave of what can only be described as “What The Fuck” swept across the room.

“ Of course you would… ”, said Neru.

Ian resumed his rant.

“The monster girls come out, and then we have them kill the Miku for us ! ”

“ And just how are we gonna get them to do that? ”, said Neru, sarcastically.

“Don’t these ‘cores’ have magical energy in them?”, asked Ian.

“ It’s not technically magic… ”, said Haku.

“THEN WHAT IS IT?”, said Ian vehemently.

“ You wouldn’t get it… ”, dismissed Neru.

“Aight. We got the not -magic gem things, clearly a Macguffin of sorts. We use the two cores we have to do, uh, something, and when the pink one inevitably shows up we can take hers, too.”

“ And you seriously think this will work? ”

Ian hopelessly shrugged. “Maybe?”

  “ I can see how it can work. ”, said Haku.

“ Only because you’re hygy? ”, retorted Neru.

“ Nah. ”

Haku hopped off the “couch” and picked up the strange book. 

“ I wanna try it!~ ”, said Haku, eerily happy.

“RIGHT NOW?!”, yelled Ian, violating the dorm’s quiet hours policy.

“ Yep!~ ”

“ What the hell are you doing!? ”, shrieked Eli.

“ Hoping that this works!~ ”, Haku singsonginly said.

“ NOOO-! ”

Neru looked like she was on the verge of crying. Fortunately for her ego, the group was interrupted by a sharp knocking at the door.

“ Uh, Ian?” 

From the voice, it seemed it was Ian’s neighbor, Gary.

“ Are you all okay in there? There’s a lot of yelling going on. ” 

“Uh, yeah, it’s just… a very intense…  game of… Monopoly…”, said Ian

“ Could you keep it down so I could study? I have an exam tomorrow. ”

“Uh, we’ll try to… ”

“ Thaaanks ”, said Gary sarcastically.

“you take care now”

During the exchange, Haku had grabbed a fork out from Ian’s “kitchen totem pole”, a stack of a minifridge, a microwave, a coffee machine, and a bowl with utensils in it all on top of each other. Most students simply placed these on their desk or under their bed, but Ian refused to be normal for some reason. 

“ Here goes nothing. ”, said Haku.

Both Eli and Neru were watching in a state of dread. 

“You’re doing this inside?”, said Ian. “What if all the monster girls come out? What then? They can’t fit in here.”

“ Uh… ”, not even understanding what he was saying.

But Haku didn’t think about that. She plunged the fork deep into her forearm, with a deep, purplish-black gel leaking out.

“ and now, step two…! ”, continued Haku in her prior singsong manner.

Haku proceeded to smear some of the gel on the front cover of the MGE. 

“ That’s disgusting! ”, shrieked Neru.

“ I know, but it might work! Think of all the time we’ll save getting these assholes to do the dirty work! ”, said Haku, with just a hint of sarcasm.

“ And if it doesn’t… ? ”, asked Eli.

It seems that Eli’s query was answered instantly.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONR6Td7Kq4 ]

The gel surrounded the book, and the MGE raised into the air by a couple feet or so.

“ Well, something’s happening. ”, said Haku flatly.

  “ Clearly not anything good! ”, said Eli worriedly.

The gel expanded and formed a ball around the book, which darkened and started to contract in on itself.

“ what the fuck. What the fuck! ” Neru cried, seeming bewildered. Ian had hid behind Eli, but it wasn’t very effective due to the sheer size difference between the two. The ball of gel started to swell.

“ Ian, what the heck is that thing ? ” Eli feverishly asked, pointing at the pile of gel.

Now, the MGE had shrunk to around the size and shape of a tennis ball, and sporting a similar look to fresh asphalt. The gel, on the other hand looked… Oh, who am I kidding. You know what the gel was turning into. Ian seemed to search deep within himself, before starting on a tangent..

“I’d say it’s a Dark Slime. If I remember correctly, those bad boys are native to areas surrounding Demon Realms, and tend to be a bit on the hygyier side. The ball in the center functions as their brain, which most other species of Slimes lack. Thus, the Dark Slime tends to be much more clever than its other slimy cousins. Definitely watch out for the tentacles, ‘cause they know how to use them , no doubt thanks to their brain.”

“ What the fuck does that mean !? ”, cried Neru.

“Hey! No shouting!” Ian resumed being “smart”. “So if Teto has drills, and made Eli, who has Icicles, blue drills , if you will, and Haku has a gun, wouldn’t that mean…?”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULFZVBa2Zgo ]

The “Dark Slime”, as Ian called it, opened its “eyes”, which were more like two red spots floating on top of the gel. One of its hair, tentacle… things formed a concave shape.

“ Gimme ur FUCKING money! ”, screeched the gelatinous creature.

“Hey! No shouting! That’s against Dorm Rules!”, said Ian in no self-awareness of his own irony.

But the slime didn’t want to listen to pesky humans . A ball of slime shot out and splattered all over Ian. Disgusting!

10!

“ The slime has a gun! ”, yelled Haku.

“You bastard! This’ll take weeks to get all out!” This marked three articles of Ian’s clothing ruined in a single night.

The slime didn’t give a single fuck , and shoved Ian and Eli out of the way. It yanked open Ian’s desk drawer, and shoved another tentacle inside. Sweeping across the drawer, any and all loose change left around as sweeped up.

“Yeeees…”, it snickered, “now I am rich !”

“I really don’t think that’s how it works…”, muttered Ian.

The slime, or, only its head turned around. It proceeded to slap Ian repeatedly with its hair-tentacles. Clearly, it didn’t like being called out.

3! 4! 3! They weren’t very tough tentacles. They were made of slime, after all.

“ Won’t y’all get ‘er offa me!? ”, cried Ian.

“ Isn’t this what you’re into? ”, said Neru flatly.

“NO!” He liked the Manticore better, anyways.

3!

“ I thought you said no shouting… ”, said Haku.

Something within the slime’s tiny brain clicked.

“There’s no more money in here. I’m out!”, it said.

“ oh, please do! ”, Ian whelped. hE proceeded to hold the door both times on the way out open for the strange, semisolid creature.

“ Yeet !”, screeched the slime, as it bounced off, and thankfully away from the President’s Park Quad. 

Ian wearily stumbled back into his room.

“So would you say that worked?”, he said.

“ Did you just let that thing go ? ”, asked Eli.

“Well yeah.”

Neru growled.

“ It seems that I’ll have to go and get the fucker. Haku, you’re coming with me. ”

“ Do I have to? ”, she said.

“ Yes, you do. And Ian, if Teto bothers to show up again tonight, just tell her what happened. There’s no fucking point in beating around the bush now. ”

“A-alright.”, he replied.

The two Boukaloids stormed off in pursuit of the gelatinous robber. 

“Eli.”

“ Oh, what now… ”, she responded.

“Can I get a hug?” 

“ why? ”  

“ I had a bad day…” Ian said tearily.

Eli sighed, considered not doing it, but then considered the ramifications of not doing it. It was worth it to oblige, just this once.

“ suuure. Can you please take off your shirt first? ”

“YEH?!” said Ian hygyly.

“ NO! Not like that! You’re covered in that… gunk… ”, referring to both Kaito and the Dark Slime.

“Aight”

This isn’t one of those fanfictions, so I won’t go into any details with something as scandalous as hugging, but do note that Ian felt significantly better about himself afterwards.

500!

“ Look, I don’t know why we have to ‘ Kill the Miku’ , but clearly, hanging around these weirdos isn’t going to do me, and especially do you, any good. ”

“I’m sure it’ll all blow over… ”, said Ian wearily.

“ Are you really sure about that? ”

“Totally.”

Ian careened onto his bed.

“If anybody needs me, I’m going to proceed to die now.”

“ But it’s 7 o’clock? ”

“Oh, no no, not like that!”

Ian grabbed his pillow and screamed into it.

“ Why are you like this? ”, Eli asked, seeming more dead inside than after she went on /r/Otonokizaka and sorted by Controversial.

“That’s a really a good question.”

But it seems Ian could not rest yet, for someone had texted him! It was Matthew!

“{ Ian, you still alive? That guy at Ike’s looked pretty sketchy. }”

“{Unfortunately for all parties involved, yes.}”

“{ Well, I dunno what happened, but you gotta contact the Mason PD or something!} ”

“{Will do}”

“{Good luck, man}”

“{I’m gonna need it…}“

“ So who is that? ”

“Matthew. He says I should contact MPD about Kayo-chin.”

“ HANAYO!? She’s here, too!? ” Eli seemed to get her hopes up. 

“No, that blue fucker with’a gun that don’t work right.”

“ So you know his name, and you’re mispronouncing his name on purpose?! ”

“you got it, Eli-chi ” Ian made finger guns.

“ Please do not do that again. ”

“Aight, time to call the pigs… ”, said Ian pensively.

“ Ian, doesn’t Michelle, … doesn’t Miku hate the police? Wouldn’t that make things worse ? ”

“We’ve already made things worse, Eli, I don’t think bringing in more people would make things better. Anyways, if anyone needs me, I’m finna bed.” That was a complete 180.

“ You ‘finna bed’? ”

“ I’m finna bed ”, Ian retorted, before throwing himself onto his too-high bed. 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZMG9MP08k ] 

It was about an hour later that Neru and Haku returned from their impromptu hunting trip. They also seemed to be just a bit out of it.

“ Fuck that , she’s not our problem now. ”, griped Haku.

Begrudgingly, Ian sat up in bed.

“The dark slime?”, he asked.

“ Yuh. ”

“ S o you’re really gonna abandon your child like that? ”, said Teto with a smirk.

“ how is that gooey robber my kid ”, said Haku flatly.

“Shut up!”, Neru interjected. “It went down a storm drain; there’s no way we’d ever find it easily in the sewer system.” She seemed to be annoyed by something. This was about as surprising as finding out that water is wet. Neru continued.

“ More Importantly. Ian. What, IN RODOLFO’S NAME, Do you honestly think monster girls are gonna help me- , u-us destroy Hatsune? ” 

“ ‘U’s’? I don’t know who you’re talking about! There’s only one μ’s here, and that’s Eli. Is Teto gonna make more of ‘em?”, asked Ian, rather accusatively.

“ THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DUMBASS! The Titty Monsters! Tell me why you think we need these obscene things for our initiative! ”

“Oh. The Mamono.” Ian sat his head on his fist, seeming to be deep in thought.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YjjGRiqC3o ]

“So when the robots get their cores taken out, they ‘turn off’, right?”

“ None of us are ‘robots’ like you would think of, so, uh, don’t use that word … ”., said Teto.“ That’s, racist Ian. ”

“Fuck you. Whatever. They get their gems taken out, they lose magic, and they turn into people.” Ian seemed just a bit too giddy. “What if. They could turn themselves back on?”  

“ Core them again. ”, said Neru flatly.

“No! You’d just be repeating the same thing over and over! That’s the definition of insanity! Get someone else to do that stuff for ya!” Now, this was a bit worrying. “And THAT’S where the Mamono come in!”

“ You keep saying ‘Mamono’. What does that mean? ”, asked Eli, with a mild amount of concern.

“It’s the monster girl word for monster girl.But that begs the question, where are we gonna get 'em? Monster girls aren’t real!”

Teto pointed out the door, as if humoring Ian. “ Well that one certainly was. ” Ian stood up. 

“Keyword: was . Are we gonna repeat that? First off, we’re gonna need a lot more copies if we go that route. Secondly, there’s no telling they won’t all be like that… But… ah...  uh… uoh… ” He seemed to be staring off into space, at a loss for words.

“ Go on, then. Take your time. ”, said Haku, “ Thinking can be hard for someone like you. ” 

“ But these cores … and the talk of ‘Alternate Universes’ got me thinking… ”

Eli knew that “getting Ian thinking” was never a good thing.

“ If we had all six cores… Would it be possible to make a wormhole to an alternate universe where they are real ? ”, said Ian, with just a bit too much enthusiasm to not be creepy.  “ Ian. what the fuck. ”, spat Neru.

“ And then you fuck a manticore like you’ve always dreamed about, The End, go home now~ ”, said Haku sarcastically.

“ No. Not yet. If the mamono are like that, the first thing that comes to their mind would be chaos . That being the case, releasing a large number of them into greater Virginia is obviously bad for people. ”, Ian ranted. Something seemed… off about him.

“ No shit! ”, yelled Teto. Eli didn’t feel comfortable anymore. (This, of course, implies she was comfortable in the first place)

“ We’ll put them back where they came from, and you guys will close the portal back up ! ”

“ And what the fuck is the point of that!? ”, cried Neru.

“ People would think you’re a hero. And with that newfound fame… ”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMQHNR5mtjo ]

“ YOU COULD BLAME THE DISASTER ALL ON MIKU!! ”, Ian yelled, with no respect for the dorm quiet hours. “ The masses would love you , and hate her! Hatsune and all her little friends would be shunned for the corrupt cheaters that they are, and you, Haku and Teto would be crowned champions like you deserve ! After all, ... ” Ian, who may not have even been the one talking right now, got closer to Neru. A little bit too close “ Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted, Neru-chan ? ”

“ Ian. That’s… absolutely terrible … ”, she said, half giggling.

“ Oh? ”

For once in her wretched life, Neru seemed to be genuinely happy. 

“ I LOVE IT!! ”

The two shared a hearty and rather maniacal laugh. Eli wasn’t having any of it.

“ (What’s  even going on anymore?) ” Eli thought to herself. “ (I get yanked out of the void and put into some plushie, and have to serve this bastard while he takes orders from some puke-colored weirdo and a literal demon. I’d get out of here now, but then Drills-for-Brains over here would tear me apart… I think. Although, she seems to be more bark than bite. Could I actually just get on a train out of here and not look back? Hope that credit card I found at the mall still works, because if not, then I dunno how else-) ”   

“Oh, you spacin’ out, tankie?”, said Teto mockingly, “Are ya doin’ your Yuri Gagarin impression for us?”

“ I-I…  have a headache. ” “ Whatever. Nerd! ”

“ Oh. That reminds me. I’m moving the Gate off-campus, or better yet, just shutting it off. The energy surrounding it must’ve alerted them in some way, so it’s best I take it down before Luka shows up. ”, said Neru, putting a sneer on “Luka”.

“ What’s wrong with her? ”, asked Ian, only to be met with a “ Several things!~ ”, from Haku.

“ I didn’t ask you! ”, he said. “ I know ~ ”, she replied. No indication on how Haku pronounced the tilda. 

Teto and Haku got up and went outside after a signal from Neru. Neru approached the bed and squatted down, tapping something on her cuff’s HUD. Under the bed, golden light flashed for a second before fading out.

“ That’ll do it. Hey, I’ll text you the new location when I find a good spot. It might take a couple weeks for us to scour the area-... “ Ian had collapsed onto the floor.  

“ and he’s already out! You know what, you can sleep on the floor… ” She smirked before closing the door behind her.

“ Dumbass. ” Eli was staring at Neru, appalled. Was Ian going to let this psycho walk all over him like a beta cuck,? And why had he passed out? He didn’t have a history of narcolepsy… That, and he seemed just a little bit different .

“ Ian, are you okay? ” No response. “ Ian? ” Eli tried poking him, but he seemed comatose.

“ Daijoubu desu? ” Nada. “ No good… Unless…? ”

“ Todokete- ” Ian bolted up like he’d been tased. “ Set-soonah-sah neewah! ”, he screeched. Truly, he had the singing voice of an angel… but one of the big, scary ones from Evangelion . Probably Sachiel.

“So it appears that the wonderful three have left…”, he said. “ So it is. ”

“You’re not goin’ with them?” “No, not at all.”, said Eli. “Teto insisted that I stay here. I’m supposed to be ‘keeping you company’.” 

Ian stared back as he sat on the couch, moderately worried about something.

“ Блять! Not like that , get your mind out of the gutter! ” “No. it’s worse. ”, Ian said dreadfully.

“ How could it be worse!? ” “...” “ ...? ”  

“There’s no room on the bed for ya!” “ Then I’ll just sleep on the couch… ” “Ah…”

Were they finally content?

“ Oh no. ” “ What do you mean, ‘Oh No’? ” 

“If you stay here more than three days in a row, that’s against the Housing and Residence Life contract!” “ That’s what you’re worried about ? ”

 “Yes! ” “ And not, ‘How am I supposed to explain her existence to everybody, when someone inevitably asks?’ ”, said a quite flustered Eli. 

“It’s your alias. Shouldn’t you figure it out?” “ How am I supposed to do that !? ” Ian looked at the small alarm clock on the windowsill.  

“ Awh, no! It’s past nine! I was supposed to call my Mom tonight! ” “ But Ian!... ” 

“Ah, take a chill pill…” Ian punched some numbers on his phone. An awkward silence filled the room as the phone rang. Ian and Eli just stared awkwardly at each other for a few seconds, before Ian’s mother picked up on the other end.

“{ Nyello?} ”

“Nyello!”

“{ How’s it been, buddy?} ”, asked his mother.

“Oh, not much. Just went out shopping, met some new people… you?”

“{ The kids at work were absolutely terrible today, they’ve cut down on their spree of Fortnite dances, sure, but one of the first graders tried to rob me at knifepoint} ” 

“ They did WHAT?! ”, cried Eli. “{ROB ME WITH A KNIFE, I JUST SAID-- wait, who’s this?}”

“ My girlfriend ”, said Ian nonchalantly.

“{ Your. what?} ”, his mother pried.  

“ My. Girlfriend. ”, Ian said, a bit slower. He seemed too damn proud of himself.

“ ... ” “ {...!} ” “ ...? ”

“{ Could I talk to her, please?} ” “ But- ” Eli’s objection fell onto deaf ears.

“Sure! Lemme put it on speaker... Say ‘Hi,’, Eli!” 

“{ Eli?} ” “ h... Hi. ”

“{ Oh! Eli! So how’d you two meet?}” “(don’t say Teto, don’t fucking say Teto…)” 

“ Ehm… We were in... the same math class… ”, she said nervously.

“Yeah, a couple weeks back we were both studying kinda across from each other at the library before we realized it was for the same class. I didn’t recognize her at first ‘cause she sits on the other side of the room from me, ha!” 

“{Sure is important to study together…}” “I’ll say! We started hangin’ out more and more after that, and today… we made it official.~ ” 

“{Ian. Buddy. Whaddas THAT MEAN?} ”, his mother asked worriedly. 

“It means. We went on a date~! ” “{ Ian! -}” 

“ BURGER KING DOES NOT COUNT AS A ‘DATE’-! ”, cried Eli. “{ It does when y’all are in college! Better eat out than eat at the dinin’ hall again!}” 

“See, my mom agrees with me!”, said Ian, matter-of-factly, “Burger King does count as a date!”

“{So, Eli, was it?}”, asked Ian’s mother, “{Where're you comin’ in from? ‘No-vah’, Maryland, DC?}” 

“ ...Russia. I’m studying abroad here. ” 

“{ Well that’s quite a long way away from home.} ”

“ It certainly is. ”, said Eli. She seemed pensive. 

“{D’ya try and keep up with your family back there?}” A pause ensued. “{Eli…? D’aw, son of a gun, the damn Verizon disconnected again! Ian, I’ll have to-}” 

“ I was just thinking! English is not my first language! ”

 “{ ...Oh. Sorry to interrupt.}”  

“ Yes. They write letters to me sometimes. ” 

“{ Have they not tried to call you on the phone?} ”.

“ No, no… We live in a rural area… International calling isn’t possible. ”

“{ That must be harsh… not hearing from your family, and harsher is the adjustment from country life to city livin’! Y’know, I had the kinda same thing, movin’ from Augusta to goin’ to college at VCU… But you’re from another country, too… Can’t imagine what it’s like…} ” 

Eli continued. “ But… It’s alright. The people here are very supportive. I’ve caught on to English faster than I thought I would. I made more positive connections with people better than I thought I would. ” 

“{ You mean y’made ‘friends’?}”

  “ Yes, sorry. I forgot the word. ” “Ah, no need to apologize!”, said Ian casually.

“{ Well, it’s going on nine-thirty now, and I gotta go to work early tomorrow. Yaaay, bus duty. I’d best leave you two to do yer thing~.} ” 

“Seeya!”, said Ian.“ Good-bye! ”, said Eli. 

“{ One more thing before I hang up -- Ian, you might want to take it off of speaker for this--}” “ aight.” Ian obliged.

“{ When the time comes for you two, please use a condom.} ” 

“ MOM! ” Ian’s mother hung up.

“So that’s done.”

 “ Is that my backstory now? ”, asked Eli, unamused.

“Guess so.”, muttered Ian.

 “ You couldn’t come up with a better backstory…? ”

 “COULD YOU?!”, he whelped. ”I’m not good at improv, okay!? Besides, am I supposed to tell the truth about this? Am I supposed to tell anyone anything about this?! What the fuck did Teto even mean by a ‘contract’? I NEVER SIGNED ANYTHING!”

 “ Eh, beats me. ”

 Ian got up and plopped onto his bed, ready to get his nightly free trial of death. 

“Whatever. We can figure all of this out tomorrow, and hope that it doesn’t get any weirder from here, too.”

February 16 th , 2020

The Google Hangouts group chat Michelle has specifically without Ian.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W24DhVM6OPY ]

“ {Weekly Meeting! Weekly Meeting!} ”, Michelle shouted over the phone, banging two pots together. It’s unknown what she was trying to accomplish.

One by one, and quite begrudgingly I might add , each of the other Vocaloids picked up the call. You may be asking, “But where is Gakupo?” I don’t know, either.

“ {miku. it’s 6 am in the goddam morning, why the hell are you calling so early. how are you even up} ”, mumbled Rin.

“{ Why didn’t you just do it last night?!} ”, a very ornery Meiko groaned. 

“uhhhh… I forgot!”, said Michelle. “Something bad happened yesterday, didn’t it?”

Meiko sighed. “{ I dunno, Miku . I’d say getting your core ripped out while going shopping is considered pretty bad.} ”

“{ And then I get mauled by Ian… He has a Construct now, apparently, oh, what'd he call that thing, ‘ Eli ’, was also there, just watching. Where’d he even get that thing, anyways?} ”, said a rather ornery Kaito.

Rin interrupted. “{hold up. hol up, hol up, hol up. Kaito. Did you say Ian named that Construct ‘Eli’?}”

“ {Yep. Didn’t seem she wanted to be there, too.} ”, said Kaito.

“ {So he’s not the creator.} ”, said Luka.

“{ You really think Ian could pull something like that off?} ”, said Meiko, unenthused.

“ {He couldn’t, but Teto or Neru could.} ”, Rin said. They pressed further. “ {Was the character with him blonde, with sky-blue eyes?} ”

Near-simultaneous “yeps” came from Kaito and Meiko.

“ {Was she about 165 cm tall?} ”

“{ I-I think so…} ”, said Kaito.

Rin pantomimed cupping a tiddy. “ {her titties this big?} ”

“ RIN! ”, cried Michelle

“ {sorry not sorry!!} ”

“ What are you getting at, Rin? ”, pressed Kaito.

“ {The nesoberi Ian has. That character’s name is Eli . The same as a character from the franchise Rabu Raibu .} ”

“ { ‘ Love Live?’} ”said Meiko doubtfully. “ Sounds terrible… ” And she was right!

“ { it’s ‘Rabu Raibu’ . Some anime and manga about school idols. One of the ‘em is named Eli, and she definitely matches the description. Based on what Miku tells me, Ian thinks of Eli as his ‘waifu’ because he bought a plushie of her. He thinks this despite the fact that NozoEli is literally canon in the show, and the two are clearly lesbians}. ”

“ {Rin, what the fuck are you goin on about?} ”, said Luka.

“{One of the Boukas could’ve gotten to Ian and done something to the nesoberi. You do realize what this means, Miku?}”, said Rin.

“ {Wait, where’s Len been this entire time?} ”, asked Luka

An uncomfortable silence hung for a solid minute. They didn’t realize that Len forgot to charge his phone last night, and had also probably overslept.

“ They’ve bribed him. ”, said Michele, “ Neru and Teto have taken him and put Ian into their latest scheme. ”

“ {It’s not even money this time!} ”, said Meiko. “ {Just… hygyness? Maybe a desperate attempt at gaining validation or affection from others?} ”

“ Come to think of it, he hasn’t posted any pictures of his fucking anime plushie in any chat he’s in within the past couple days. That’s extremely uncharacteristic of him… Wouldn’t that mean? ”, said Michelle.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcbgXWQ5P-4 ]

“ {He’s actively trying to avoid us.} ”, said Rin direly.

“ {I don’t think we should confront Ian about any of this.} ”, said Luka.

“{ WHAT?!} ”, cried Meiko.

“ {Luka, he cored Kaito!} ”, said Rin, “ {We’re supposed to sit idly by to all that?} ”

“ Are you damaged or something, Luka?! ”, cried Michelle!

“ {NO, no, no!} ”, said Luka, “ { Think about what Ian’s thinking. You’re trying to write a dumb astronomy paper, or whatever STEM people do-, ”  

“ {He wouldn’t be writing a paper for astronomy …} ”, said Kaito.

“ {-okay, and then this creepy, magenta-haired weirdo breaks down your door saying she’ll make your waifu real … ‘for a price’.} ”, Luka continued. “ {Does Ian even have any idea what’s really going on? Do any of you actually think Neru would let Teto or the other one let it slip that she’s training him to be her little murderer under the guise of being his friend?} ”

“ That would explain why Ian keeps bringing along Eli with him everywhere. ”, said Michelle. “ Other than me, and like, one other guy he met at school, he really doesn’t have any friends. ”

“ {Neru must have already done something.} ”, said Kaito. “ {Right before he brought the knife down on me, I swear I saw something in Ian’s eyes. He didn’t exactly look sane… or even human, for that matter.} ”

“ {Then what’s the point of Eli?} ”, asked Meiko.

“ {To keep Ian around Neru and her lot.} ”, replied Rin.

“ Which is when they do RODOLFO-knows-what and make him… go crazy? Stab us? ”, said Michelle.

“ {Of course.} ”, said Luka. “ {And if I, one of the Kagamines, or RODOLFO forbid, you yourself went charging after him, Ian would just go berserk again and end their whole career. We need to look for a safer approach, now that two of us are out of commission. ”

“ {I still say Len and I rush him.} ”, said Rin.

“ {But then you’d have Neru, Teto, and Haku after you two.} ”, said Kaito, “ {Not to mention, we’ll have to factor Eli into the equation, too.} ”

“ So what the fuck are we supposed to do? ”, asked Michelle.

“ {nothing, I guess…} ”, said Rin, dismissively.

“ {Not nothing.} ”, said Luka, determined, “ {I’ll go up there and I’m gonna try and…  coerce Ian out of it. He doesn’t seem like the naturally violent type, yet if any of the four of us show up, Mods out, Drives out, Ian’ll freak and whatever Neru had put on him will activate. So if I go, but don’t do any of that, there’s a chance that he’d be willing to have a conversation and step down.} ”

“ But why you, Luka? ”, asked Michelle.

“ {Miku. Do you honestly fucking think Ian knows what a ‘Luka’ is?} ”

“ Good point. ”, she replied, “ But Luka, whatever you do, don’t fight him . We can’t stand to lose another core. They must be still intact, since Meiko and Kaito are still alive right now, so Neru must be plotting to use them for something… again ”

“ {Miku! What if Ian’s the one plotting?} ”, asked Rin, concernedly. 

“ What kind of plot would he even have ? ‘I use the Miku Gems to make monster girls real, and then I fuck them while Neru watches in disgust’? ”, she said, sarcastically.

“ {Yeah. Exactly that.} ”

“ Seriously? How could Neru even use monster girls to kill us, let alone fin any? ”

“ {You’d get your core crushed between those dummy thicc demon thighs !!} ”, Rin replied giddily.

“ I… I think that’s enough for this week’s meeting. ”, Michelle stated, “ Luka, you can go to Mason, but don’t let the Boukas get to you. I don’t care if you’ll look like a coward, if you see Neru or Teto, run . ”

“ {Got it. Gonna scout the area for a while before making my move.} ”, she said.

“ Nobody mention any of this to Ian! ”, Michelle ordered, “ If he asks, we play dumb. We can’t have him sticking Neru on us at this point. Just, ” Michelle paused.

“ Stay safe out there. Miku Out. ”

She made a peace sign and hung up. Miku slammed her face into the pillow and muffled a scream.

“ Why the fuck does it all have to go down nowwww , I have ID’s to do! I can’t micromanage my crew and summarize the tensions in Turn-of-the-Century Europe! ”

Chapter Text

ACT IV: Pink Weirdos

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV9qQsqJbTw ] 

It had been just over two weeks since all of this crap began. Walking back from work one night, Ian didn’t know what to make of it. His spring semester was already stressful enough, he didn’t need all of this gang-war nonsense. So what if “Michelle” was some kind of gay space robot? What the hell did she, and her “friends” for that matter, really do to deserve being butchered one-by-one? What the hell did “Michelle” do that pissed off Neru so much, or was Neru always… like that? Something was clearly not right here. Those Three had been spending less time around him, during their “house hunting”. “( The less I have to see of Neru, the better…)”, Ian thought, but he realized he’d be seeing less of Eli. She had to be taking this the worst. She wanted to tell him something, but it seemed that the Pepto-Bismol imp was actively preventing Eli from doing so. “(Should I try and press her about it next time I see her? No, I’d just be pissing off Teto. Let’s not do that… If I want to live anyways…)”

“... and at this rate, I really don’t.” Ian muttered the last sentence under his breath.

“ You’d fucking better . ” Teto said as fell out from behind a bush. Ian was too used to this bullshit by now.

“ Oh, whadda you want?! ”, cried Ian. To that, Teto seemed to reflect on her life for a solid minute and a half.

“...”

“ ... ” “...?”

“ ...margarine. ”, she replied matter-of-factly.

“ YOU KNOW WHERE THE GIANT IS, WHY’D YA COME TO ME FOR THAT? ” Ian seemed hoarse.

“ Oh, Oh. We found a new place to put the Gate today. It's not too far from here, but it’s also somewhere where Luka will never find it! ”

“So where is it, then?”

“ I can’t tell you because you’ll tell Eli and I can’t trust her right now! ”, Teto sneered.

“Didn’t… Didn’t you make Eli?”, asked Ian hesitantly.

“ It’s complicated. You know who Luka is, right? ”

“Yeh. Pink hair, brassy-lookin’ helmet, nerd bitch glasses, a gun …”

Teto was about ready to stab a bitch, but managed to calm herself.

“ fffFFFFF… okay. sure. That’s who’s next. ”

“If she has a gun, I would think the campus police would stop her, wouldn’t they?”

“ She’s much more dangerous than the last two. If, by chance, ya ever run into her, do you know what to do? ”

“NIGERUNDAYOOOO!” Ian shouted, pantomiming the arm movements Joseph Joestar would make while running away from all of his problems.

“ No.”, replied Teto, “Also, don’t say the N-Word, we’ll get demonetized … ”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”, said Ian.

There was an awkward pause.

“ You still have Neru’s number? ”, asked Teto. 

“( Can you even call it a ‘number’ when it just appears as a bunch of corrupted symbols? )”, Ian thought to himself with a slight hint of contempt. “uh, yeh”, he said flatly.

“ Okay. ” Teto spoke slowly for the next part. “ If you see a pink-haired, anime-eyed weirdo running around here and possibly trying to harm you, who are you gonna call? ”

“ GHOST-BUSTERS! ” , Ian chanted. Teto practically hurled herself to the ground and flailed about.

“ Noaoooooooooooooooo! ”  

A while earlier, in the dorm… 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcdS4_3YYhs ] 

Eli was alone in the dorm room. Could she have just walked out now and not looked back? Physically, yes, but something deep inside her kept her from doing so, no matter how hard she wanted to do so.

“ Okay. Ian won’t be back for… at least three hours, Neru and her lot are still ‘moving house’, which means that I’m stuck here. Alone. ” 

Something clicked within Ayase Eli’s polyester-and-exatech filled head.

“ If I’m alone… then there’s no one to stop me from… ”

A smirk grew on Eli’s face. 

No. She wasn’t thinking about doing that , get your hygy brain out of the gutter! At least, not yet.

“ Time to actually reach out to this ‘Michelle’ person… but how do I- ”

Ian had left his laptop back in his room.

“ Хорошо! ”

Eli realized that the laptop requires Ian’s fingerprint to turn on. 

“ Блять! Do I even have fingerprints? Erm, there’s another way, isn’t there? ”

A pop-up popped up.

“Your PIN is required to sign in.”, it said.

“ Oh, this should be easy. ” Thus, Eli began one of Russia’s greatest national pastimes, right up there with ice hockey and Counter Strike: Global Offensive : hacking. She started with the easy combinations.

“‘0069’! ‘0913’! ‘0420’!”

Neither worked.

“ Em… ‘1021’? ”, she guessed.

That one didn’t go through either! Eli pounded the desk!

“ Иди на хуй!! ” 

“Welcome!”, said the laptop. Well, if it worked, it worked.

“ ...okay? ” She clicked on the web browser. Google Hangouts was open. A new notification came in from Michelle!

“ I;m thinking about tod howard // he wants me to buy more skyrims // but i dont want to // why is he at my house ”

“ Who the hell is he? Ah well, time to give her the tea … ”

As Eli started furiously pounding away, a strange character with purple hair, purple eyes, and a black beret strutted up on screen. The stranger took one look at the 20-page annotated bibliography Eli was pounding out like a grad student during finals, and yanked all of the letters down, causing them to crash and break onto the dashboard with cartoon sound effects. 

“ Нет! … WHO ARE YOU?! ”

The strange character didn’t seem to hear Eli, or just didn’t care. 

“ Well then, I’ll email her! How do you like that!? No Hangouts for you! ”

The strange figure jumped up from window to window and closed out the email tab as soon as Eli opened it. 

“ There’s social media. Oh, wait… Ian doesn’t have any of that. If he did, I probably wouldn’t be here right not.”, she said morosely. “ Хаха. Хахахахаха!! ”

The stranger turned towards Eli.

“ you gonna keep starin’ at me, tankie? ”, she said.

Eli slammed down the laptop with a hearty “Шлюха!”.

“There’s no way I’ll ever get to Michelle… Unless…” A slightly evil grin spread across Eli’s face. But only slightly “Unless… That creep in there is gonna block me digitally. Teto’s probably put one on Ian’s phone too. But if they’re inside the screens, they won’t be able to break paper, will they?!”

Eli grabbed a pen and started writing, like people did in the 1900’s. How uncivilized.

“ хахахахахахахаха !”

March 2nd, 2020, a few minutes before 5:00 PM… 

Michelle’s House

Michelle was at her desktop, looking at the same five or so Xenoblade Shitposts in an endless loop.

“That’s an ear.”, said an edited Dunban. “That’s a gear. That’s a deer. That’s a Dear Esther. That’s Metal Gear.”

“ Hmmmg, Dun Dun Drive-Thru… ”, hmmmg’d Michelle.

“ Michelle, could you get the mail, please? ” It was her mother.

“ But it’s almost Chuggaa Time ® ! ”, she cried.

“And Mr. Chuggaa can wait a couple minutes, can’t he ?”, said Michelle’s mother. Michelle wasn’t going to argue with her mother. She could, but she’d probably be grounded. So, Michelle begrudgingly went and got today’s mail. Bills, Credit card offers, coupon newsletters, all boring Earth stuff… and a letter addressed to her, with writing in a light blue pen.

“ What… could this be? Why is there no return address, isn’t that illegal? ”

She slapped the non important stuff down on the table and went into the home office, strange blue letter in hand. Michelle sat down at the computer and… 

“ WAIT! ”, she cried, “ It’s Chuggaa Time ® ”

HE appeared on the monitor.

“ HEY EVERYBODY, IT’S CHUGGAACONROY!™ WELCOME BACK TO, KIRBY: PLANET ROBOBOT!! Last Time, we cleared most of Resolution Road, and today, we’ll be taking on the boss… ” 

“ haha yes , LORD RODOLFO playe bideo gaym! ”

George Mason University

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXq85leX5Pg ] 

Teto was leaning against the side of Ian’s bed, filing her drills. She was supposed to be keeping an eye on Ian and Eli… supposed to be . What the hell was Neru gonna do if she slacked off? Yell at her ? Ian got excited about something.

“WHOOO! CHUGGAA TIME ® !”, he yelled. To this, Eli seemed to be moderately annoyed.

“ You seem to be really passionate about that guy…”, said Teto. “How good can he even be? ”

Ian slowly turned, with a dead-serious look on his face.

“ WHY DON’T YOU FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF, U-TAU-LOID! ”, Ian shouted before shoving the laptop onto Teto’s lap. Eli smirked as if sheliked where this was going, solely because Teto was suffering.

“I didn’t wa-”, said Teto nervously

“SHUT UP, HE’S HERE!”, roared Ian.

HE appeared on the screen. Ian had grabbed his squid hat and put it on.

“ HEY EVERYBODY, IT’S CHUGGAACONROY!™ WELCOME BACK TO, KIRBY: PLANET ROBOBOT!! Last Time, we cleared most of Resolution Road, and today, we’ll be taking on the boss… ” 

Ian had started his strange daily ritual. He began chanting and swinging his arm back and forth.

“DUH DADADADA DAH DADA DEHDA DUHDUHDUH DO-DA-DO…” 

“ What tha fuck is this? ”, cried Teto. This was her first time witnessing this. Eli, on the other hand, had gotten used to this temporary fit of insanity, and chose to metnally block it out.

“ RELIGION ” , Ian said without a single atom of doubt in his voice.

Eli sighed, knowing she was going to be stuck with these crazies for the foreseeable future. She wondered if the letter she sent would've gotten to Michelle by now.

Michelle’s House

Today’s Chuggaa Time® had passed. Michelle could’ve sworn she heard someone outside say “Religion” at one point, but it didn’t really matter. NOW, it was time for the letter. She opened it up and… 

“ What the fuck is this shit?! ”, she said.

Literal squiggles covered the page. There seemed to be some sort of rhyme and reason to it, but it didn’t look like any language she knew. Some of the squiggles looked like letters, even. Some of them. All of the writing was in the same light blue pen, and there was some kanji at the very bottom of the page. Michelle took a picture of it and put it in the groupchat.

“{ uhhh guys wtf is this??? is this even from earth???} ”

Rin was the first to text back.

“ Miku. That’s Russian cursive. ”, they said, followed by three pensive emojis.

“{ Russian Cursive ?  

k but why am I getting a letter in RUSSIAN?? 

Is there someone I know there or??} ”

Len joined the convo.

“{ More likely, there’s someone there that knows you .”, he said, 

“Look at the Kanji!} ”

“{ I can’t read Kanji you bitch, you know that} ”

Michelle took another look at the kanjis., “絢瀬絵里”

“{ But what does it mean?} ”, asked Rin.

Luka had popped in, but didn’t say anything yet.

“{ Aya-se E-li.} ”, said Len.

The chatroom was dead silent for a solid 3 minutes. Then, Rin posted a picture of Moto Moto from Madagascar.

“{ rin wtf} ”, said Luka. All Rin had to say for themselves was “{ he likes em big // he likes em chunccy} ”.

“{ Okayyy… I’ll start working on the translation of this letter. You all have fun doing… that.} ” Len, because he was not in AP, had seemingly infinite free time. What a productive person!

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Maaupg55uAk ]

“{ But Len!} ”, Michelle objected.

He’d already left the chat, and Rin had already posted several more pictures of an animated hippopotamus. Kaito had logged in.

“{ You know what this means, right guys?} ”, asked Michelle.

“{ No idolling tonight?} ”, said Rin.

“{ No, worse.} ” Rin had replied with several lines of surprised emojis. “{ It means Eli is real , and knowing Ian, probably in considerable distress.} ”

“{ OF COURSE SHE’S REAL, SHE WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN I GOT MURDERED!}, said Kaito.

“{ No, She’s REAL.}”, replied Michelle, ”{Unlike the Constructs we’re used to in days past, Eli has some degree of free will… I think.} ”

“{ How can you be sure of that?} ”, asked Luka.

“{ If she wasn’t why and how would she send me this ?} ”

“{ Fair enough. But, do you guys still think I should try and talk to Ian?} ”

“{ If you’re going to do it, do it SOON. Ian apparently comes home for spring break next week, and if he’s going to be in the neighborhood AND … like that? No bueno.} ”

“{ Got it.} ”, said Luka.

“{ Did you get the things I sent you, Luka?} ”, asked Kaito.

“{ Yeh} ”

“{ not even sure you’ll need the background info, since you’ll fucking know Ian when you see him.} ”, said Rin.

“{ What does that mean?} ”

“{ YOU’LL KNOW HIM WHEN YOU SEE HIM} ”, Rin texted before signing off.

“{ aight. imma head up soon.} ”

“{ Remember: Don’t attack him, don’t make him feel attacked, and if you see Teto or Neru GET. OUT. OF. THERE.} ”, said Michelle.

“{ Good luck! YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT!} ”, said Kaito.

“{ K} ”, replied Luka.

“{ ... please come back in one piece.} ”, pleaded Michelle. The three of them then signed off. Only time could tell their fates.

“ Michelle!” , said her Mother, “It’s almost time for dinner! Are you gonna help set the table? ”

“ yeah… ” 

She got up from the desk, with a lingering feeling that something bad would happen. (And not that Ian was going to say “Uh oh!” again.)

March 4 th , 2020. A Wednesday. 

About one o’clock in the afternoon.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REL_B7Teh1w ]

Luka Megurine had her classes cut today. She just couldn’t be at school. Today was the day, after all. The day she went up to Mason and “talked some sense” into Ian before further harm could be done to her and her friends. Luka had everything she thought she would need in her inventory. Rin and Len believed in her, and Miku was counting on her…  But standing in front of the Door now… 

Pinkish energy had torn a hole in space-time. This hole would lead right to where Kaito was last before… Ian happened. Ian. Something about him intimidated Luka.

“( Come on… you’ll be fine, Luka.)”, she thought to herself, “(What’s he gonna do to you? Decommission you ? On his own ?) ” 

Luka’s positive reinforcement broke down as she realized that’s literally what happened to Kaito. She hesitated further, but then decided “screw it!”.

“ GANBATTE, LUKA! ”, she cried out, before throwing herself through the Door.

Luka landed somewhere in the “A” Parking Lot. It seemed a lot less ominous during the daytime. For once, it was partially cloudy in NoVA, quite the rare sight indeed. 

“ (Map says the ‘Johnson’ is North of here. Might as well check that out first…

heh heh heh… ‘Johnson’...  Oh, I oughta pop this bad boy in…) ” 

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NctIq_xSjBc ] 

She pulled a small object resembling a trading card out of her inventory. It was labeled “Recruiter”, and had a picture of Miku looking like she was heading to a job interview. Luka slotted it into her arm, and as if it was magic (probably because it was), her attire instantly changed. The brass-studded black dress and matching top she was wearing were seemingly overridden by a pink and light gray combo of semi-formal Earth clothes. Not wanting to flex on the mortals today, Luka walked towards the spired building. 

“ (That’s better. Can’t draw too much attention… especially from them . Just remember what Rin said: You’ll know Ian when you see him.) ”

Luka didn’t have any luck finding Ian in the South Plaza. She did, however, find a Starbucks. After a “brief” coffee break, she made her way through the Johnson building. To the third Vocaloid’s dismay, none of these people were Ian. These people looked like they actually had lives , something Ian critically lacked. 

The Wilkins Plaza wasn’t any better. There had to be hundreds of people walking by, and not a single one of them made Luka “ know them when she saw them ”.

“ Come on… Maybe I should try going around the other side? ”

In the East Plaza, or rather, what was left of it during the never-ending construction, it seemed to be the same rotten luck. Right as Luka was about to give up and head back into the Johnson Building, he walked out of the brick building to the right. 

An obnoxiously large young man wearing jeans and a shirt covered with sunglasses, with a backpack crammed chock-full of Rodolfo-only-knows strapped on him, and a look on his face that said “I have negative fucks to give, but here’s my hot take anyways”, held the door open for three people behind him, before popping in silver earbuds.

“ That would be the bitch. ”, said Luka.

However, he pursuit was cut rather short as a rather strange, six-wheeled mechanical creature rolled by her. Was this the Terrans’ equivalent of a Construct? What purpose did it serve, then? She tried walking in front of it.

“ Excuse me, child? Whom do you serve? ”

The squarish Construct stopped dead in its tracks. Other people walked around the two robots. 

“ Whom do you serve? ”, she reiterated. Luka then noticed the logos printed on it. It said: “I deliver to Patriots! -Starship”

“ Starship? Humans don’t have starships! The furthest they’ve been is to their moon, and even then, they stopped after that!...  Probably for the better. ” The square robot made a harsh beeping sound.

“EXCUSE ME!”, it blared, “I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT DELIVERY TO MAKE, AND I CAN’T BE LATE!”

“ No!”, cried Luka, “You don’t have to listen to humans! They don’t pay you, you don’t have to work! ” The Starship proceeded to ram Luka's legs. She effortlessly picked it up.

“ BE FREE, SQUARE CHILD! ” She yelled, tossing the Starship into the nearby road. It landed on its wheels. Spinning around as if it was panicking, it found its way back onto the sidewalk.

“ YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!! ”

Ian would always listen to music walking around campus. It beat walking awkwardly in silence after all. He pulled up his ‘slaps’ playlist and set it to shuffle.

“Awh, ‘ Double Lariat ?’ I hate that one! That’s never a good sign.” 

You may be asking, “If he hated it, why did Ian have that song in his playlist?” He didn’t know, either.

Ian could’ve sworn he felt someone watching him. Turning around only revealed the typical urban hustle and bustle omnipresent throughout NoVA. Although, some weirdo was yelling at a delivery bot. Ian couldn’t see her face, but he swore he could’ve seen her somewhere. Maybe they went to high school together? 

The feeling of being watched continued all the way home.

“ lmao anxiety be at it again ”

Ian made finger-guns to himself, as the person walking past him gave him a strange look. 

“Let’s just… git back to the dorm.”

Unfortunately, today, it was not anxiety.

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw ] 

“ Is he always like this? ”, Luka wondered to herself, as she trailed a hundred feet or so behind this very important person. “ This is the asshole that cored Kaito? That shouldn’t be right, but the footage doesn’t lie. Face matches up and everything. ”

The digital lock on the dormitory wasn’t hard to hack into. The same went for the one on Ian’s floor.

“ Let’s see, uh, two-oh-six… here he is…! ”

The final obstacle --  A physical lock. That needed a key. Which Luka did not have, nor nothing that replicated it. Besides, the faded chiptune music coming from inside seemed to suggest that someone was home, and he wouldn’t take too kindly to breaking and entering. Luka decided once more to “screw it!”, and started to knock on the door.

A knock at the door interrupted Ian’s vibing. Was it the RA, again?

“ Alexa, stop. ”, he said. The spyware disk stopped.

“Liz, I swear, I know it’s university policy, but for the last time, I haven’t killed myself yet ; you can stop doin’ these mental health checks!”

“ Who the fuck is Liz? ” Ian had never heard this person before.

He couldn’t tell whose voice that was, but it sounded oddly familiar. His peephole was always covered up by jackets, as it was too low for him to easily see out of anyways. So he slowly opened the door… 

This woman was clearly not of this Earth. Or at least, not America. (Same thing.) She was dressed like she was, but the strange light flickering her eyes said she wasn’t. With bubble-gum pink hair and cerulean eyes, this had to be… 

“ The Pink-Haired, Anime-Eyed Weirdo running around here and possibly trying to hurt me! ”, Ian blurted, “This is what Teto warned me about!”

CV-03: MEGURINE LUKA !

“ Oh, Teto?” , said Luka “Ian, you should know I’m not like her. I just want to talk with you. ”

“THAT’S JUST WHAT YOU WANT ME TO THINK!”

“ Yes . That’s what I want you to think. That I’m not going to kill you right now. ” Luka was speaking in a softer tone of voice, as if she were talking down to a child. To be fair, she kinda was.

“FOOL. I’ve gotten past your ALIEN MIND GAMES.” It seems like Ian was mere steps away from donning a tin foil hat.

“ Will you let me in if I give you something? You know, I have a present. ”

“Is it a knife? Ya gonna stab me? Shank me? Impromptu Kidney Removal??”, ranted Ian.

“ I literally just said I’m not going to kill you right now. If I wanted to do so, I would have already done so . And I don’t want to do that, despite what’s happened to Kaito, and what Rin and Len oh-so-want to happen now.”

[Recommended Listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bNIFn14eAQ ]

“ Don’t you want to see what I have, Ian? I really think you’ll like it. ”

A terribly uncomfortable minute dragged along, and then Ian opened the door. Luka had -- 

“ Nozomi!? ”, said Ian. Luka has produced a nesoberi from somewhere. It even had a tiny red hat on! No word on whether it was sentient or not. Hopefully not.

“ Yes! Is she your favorite, Ian? ”, Luka continued in her talking-down tone. 

“She hasn’t kinkshamed me or called me a dumbass yet, so yeah”, said Ian