Work Text:
- bend, bend until it breaks -
“I’m sorry to my parents for being the way I am,”
Dark eyes stared up blankly and a voice rasped on its way out; limbs loose not in relaxation but in lifelessness.
“They never deserved a fucked up kid with issues and mental illness, that wanted to be great but barely managed to scrape being good.”
Silence. A breeze broke the eerie quieness for a moment, but the atmosphere stayed just as heavy.
Eyes watched the boy in concern, empathetic pain being reflected in dark red. A hand twitched in a vain attempt to offer comfort, stopped before it could reach out.
“Y’know, a lot of the time I want to just,” Pause. A harsh breath, a pale hand scrubbing against aching eyes. “just scream. Just let all my thoughts spill out like paint from a, a barrel? Those metal things that hold paint, that being spilled. Y’know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” Eijirou breathed out, “Yeah I understand.”
“I shut my mouth instead of speaking up, I end up listening even though I want to fucking speak up. I have so much to say but I’m so scared of everything.”
An empty laugh was barely heard, dying out across the rooftop and around the lone occupants.
“My chest hurts, it hurts so much sometimes,” Hanta’s voice broke, tears finally beading up on glassy eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I’m always anxious and it fucking hurts to worry about everything, and at the same time have your own voice tell you ‘You’re useless, you’re nothing, this is why everyone’s always disappointed in you’. It hurts so much I want to just disappear.”
Kirishima’s breath stopped in his throat. This, this was why he followed his friend up to the rooftop.
“I want to just stop being a burden to everyone and be myself but what's the cost of other people’s happiness for my own? I’m not worth it, I’m such a burden, I’m just-“
“Hanta, Hanta stop.”
Small, choking sobs were heard in the night. The rustle of movement and shoes scuffling against cement was heard before Eijirou kneeled next to Hanta, who was laying down on his back with his hands covering his face.
Hands reached out to wrap around shoulders and a hitching sob became a quiet drawn-out whail.
“Shh, I’m here. You’re never a burden Hanta, never, no matter how much that voice in your head or the people around you say so.” Eijirou whispered against his friend's hair, feeling shaking shoulders and clawing fingers against his body.
“Never.”
————
- bend -
“Hanta! I told you to get your application in weeks ago, it’s almost too late dammit,” His mother stood before him, an angry expression on her face and eyes dark with disappointment. “I expected better of you, you’re a teenager now, don’t make me treat you like a baby.”
His shoulders are hunched, and sitting on the chair doesn’t help much for the way his mother looms over him. A feeling of emptiness wells up in his chest and his breathing gets a tiny bit harder to pull in. His nails pick at the skin of his fingers, the pinpricks of pain enough of a distraction to keep his mind somewhat attentive.
“The stress you put on me last year was unnecessary if you could just handle being a grown child. I’m not allowed to do that scholarship application for you, so you better get your head straight and listen when I tell you to do things!”
Hanta’s silence just seemed to upset her more, and his lowered head sparked more anger in her. The empty feeling in his chest spread to his limbs, making his hands hang loose between his legs.
“Raise your head and stop looking like somebody kicked your puppy, you’re fourteen and can’t even look me in the eye.”
“Do you think I want to see you acting like you’re half your age? Grow up, the world isn’t going to be nice to you. Do your responsibilities and stop wasting time.”
“You can’t say I forgot as an excuse, you forget everything and I reminded you specifically of this enough times it should have been done already. Go do it right now and then come help me with dinner, you’ve got nothing else to do, and I don’t want to see you wasting time on that phone chatting with your friends.”
Emptiness.
You’re so useless, can’t even get a form done and move on to the next thing. For god’s sake you waste time everyday on your phone when you could be studying more, and be doing more around the house. You’re a burden to them, be grateful for all they’ve given you.
“Yes ma’am.”
____________________
- bend -
“Hey… um,” Hanta trailed off, swallowing past a knot of anxiety in his throat. “Dad, do you think- do you think it’s possible for me to talk to someone like Ahana does?”
His father peered at him under graying hair and glasses, a frown settling on his face.
“Why do you ask Hanta? There’s nothing wrong with you as far as we know.” His husky voice held a note of concern, but mostly confusion.
Hanta bit his lip, wanting to exclaim there was nothing wrong with his sister, she just has some difficulty learning. He held his tongue instead, taking a breath and willing the anxiety that was threatening to choke him to back down.
“I just, I feel like it could help me with the stress of school and the next years, especially-“
“Are you still not organized with your school? Hanta it's been long enough, don’t you think it’s time that has been solved?” The disappointment in his tone cut through the little confidence he had gathered and brought the choking feeling back.
“No, no that’s solved, I mean with the new classes starting, I- I just feel like I’m not feeling too well and I’d like to talk to someone like I used to with my counsellor-“
“Well then we’ll set you up with your sister’s doctor, that Tanaka man-“
No, no, no not him, not him, he was so intimidating and reminded of Uncle Sato, please no-
“-if you really want an appointment, but it's really expensive, and I don’t think you need to go.”
Ah. The heavy feeling in his chest sank in, alongside guilt for even asking for something his parents needed to pay for. You’ve already asked for too much.
“A-Ah it's ok, don’t worry, I’m fine, don’t worry,” Hanta stammered out, an empty smile on his lips and his hands up to show he was fine. “Sorry for asking I didn’t realize it cost that much.”
He turned away, the smile falling from his face abd feeling tears prickle at his eyelids
Worthless.
Numb.