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2021-01-22
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2021-02-04
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Roll for Perception

Summary:

“Oh boy,” Toby groaned, putting his head on the table.

Krel leaned forward. “What? What is happening?"

“We’re about to trigger a hallway of death traps, aren't we?” Claire asked, crossing her arms.

Douxie shrugged, a cheeky grin on his face. “Roll for perception."

---

The Guardians of Arcadia decide to put their skills to the test in a game of D&D. Eli, Toby, and Douxie are seasoned veterans. Claire has played a few campaigns. Jim is just trying to help. Aja and Krel are excited to take part in a historical Terran game...

...And then there's Steve.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Perception Check

Chapter Text

"You and the rest of the party move down a long, stone hallway. You're approaching a large oak door, intricately carved with mysterious runes and-"

"Wait!” Eli jumped up, putting his hands out over the table. “Stop!”

Archie glanced up at the sudden noise, curled up in the armchair he had claimed in the corner of the room, but laid back down a moment later and went back to sleep.

“What are we doing?” Jim asked, looking up from the rule book and character sheets in his lap.

"I want to check for traps,” Eli said. “You can never be too careful - especially when Douxie’s the one that made the dungeon.”

Douxie raised an eyebrow at him. “Roll for perception.”

“Oh boy,” Toby groaned, putting his head on the table.

“What? What is happening?" Krel leaned forward.

“We’re about to trigger a hallway of death traps, aren't we?” Claire asked, crossing her arms.

Douxie shrugged, a cheeky grin on his face. “Roll for perception."

“I don't understand," Aja said, frowning. “What could be so dangerous about a hallway?"

"It's not just a hallway!” Eli squeaked. "It's Douxie's hallway. It's a hallway of death."

The table looked to Douxie for confirmation on Eli's threat. He just dragged a hand down his face. "Are you rolling or not?"

Eli held out a hand. “Hold your horses, Skinny Jeans.”

"Skinny-?!“

“Eli’helem, the elven ranger of the Northern Woodlands, casts a look around the hallway, holding his friends back..." Eli picked up the twenty-sided die and shook it in his fist, then cast it across the table...

3.

Douxie sat back in his chair. “Eli’helem, you look around the hallway and have a weird feeling - like something's...just not right - but nothing jumps out at you."

Eli turned back to the group, a look of pure terror on his face. “Guys? You know what this means?”

“It means you have poor vision?" Krel guessed.

“It means whatever's in this hallway..." Toby looked up darkly. “It’s bad. If Eli’helem could sense it with a three in perception, it’s really bad.”

“What do you suggest, Duke Torvaldur of the Southern Mines?” Eli asked. 

Toby folded his hands and surveyed the magical dungeon map that Douxie had conjured on the table. “This requires a dwarf's expertise. Stand aside, elf. My people have been surveying dangerous land for centuries, and if there's one thing a dwarf knows, it's stone.” Toby rolled his twenty-sided die...

2.

Douxie's smile widened. “You sense something may be wrong, but you're more inclined to think your elf friend is crazy.”

“See, now he's making me nervous,” Toby whined. "Jim, you roll.”

“Uh.” Jim shifted through the papers in front of him, looking about as lost as usual when they managed to convince him to play. “Can I cast a spell?"

“Well," Douxie started, ”your magic skills as paladin are limited. But you can make a perception check.”

"Yeah, I'll do that," Jim said, half-heartedly shaking then tossing the die onto the table. Eli and Toby leaned forward, their eyes glued to the gaming piece as it rolled...

5.

Douxie shrugged, but the smile on his face betrayed how much he was enjoying this. “You have a bad feeling about what lies ahead.”

“Okay, so Eli was onto something,” Jim said, looking over the game board in front of them. 

“Eli’helem.”

“Oh, er, right. Sorry, Eli. Helem.”

“Thank you, Kanjigar the Courageous.”

“Hello?” Toby waved a hand in front of Eli's face. "So we know the hallway's probably booby trapped. Big whoop. We already suspected that. We still know nothing about the actual traps. Someone else needs to roll for perception."

“Oh! I'll go!" Aja sat up straight and grabbed the nearest twenty-sided die. She had yet to open her own bag and was playing with everyone else's - mainly Steve's.

“C'mon, my warrior princess," Steve encouraged. “Kick his ass."

“Paladin Stephen, are you even paying attention?” Unimpressed, Eli crossed his arms.

Steve sputtered. “Of course I'm-!”

“Quiet! I am rolling!" Aja tossed the die onto the table...

1.

“Aw yeah, hole in one!" Steve cheered. “Knew you could do it, babe."

Douxie ignored Steve. “You don't see anything wrong with the hallway. It looks perfectly safe, to you.”

“Oh, I did not like the way he said that," Aja said, hugging her sides with all four arms.

“Alright,” Claire said, sitting up and pushing her sleeves up to her elbows. "I'll give it a try."

“You got this, Claire,” Jim said.

"Yeah, yeah you both are supportive boyfriend paladins, we get it,” Eli snapped, stunning Jim into silence. “Now roll before Douxie decides to kill us!"

The teammates once again looked to the Dungeon Master at the head of the table. Unaware of (or, worse, unbothered by) their sudden attention on him, Douxie looked up from his notes, checked his wristwatch, and chuckled under his breath.

“Claire!” Toby urged through gritted teeth. “Do something!”

“I mean, I could cast Divine Intervention-”

"No!" Toby and Eli panicked.

Claire looked to Douxie. “Can you tell me my options?”

"Well, Brigida," Douxie started, flipping through his copy of the Player's Handbook, “as you are a high-level cleric, you could cast Divine Intervention, summon your patron deity and ask them. Though, that uses a lot of your energy - energy you might want to save for the trials ahead. And I can’t say whether Hecate is going to be able to offer valuable information or not.”

“All this anxiety is giving me a stomach ache,” Toby groaned, doubling over.

Douxie continued. “You can roll for perception as well. That’s probably your best bet, since casting Dimension Door could backfire, here. You could also cast Find Traps, but that only tells you whether traps are present or not. It doesn't tell you what they are.”

Claire bit her lip. “Okay, I'll just...roll.” She shook the twenty-sided die in one hand and tossed it onto the table. Eli, Toby, Jim, Claire, and Aja stood and leaned over the table...

10.

The party members’ heads whipped up and their eyes locked onto Douxie.

“Oh, there's definitely at least one or two that you can spot," Douxie said, his good mood still intact. “You can also sense a strong presence of magic in the space.” Douxie flicked his fingers, changing the map but only for Claire's eyes.

“What do you see?” Eli demanded. “What do we do?”

“There’s some kind of...pressure plate or something. Maybe a trapdoor,” Claire said, pointing at a spot on the floor not far from where the players stood. “Enchantments are all over the place. I don’t... I don’t think there’s a safe path forward.”

“Let me try,” Krel said. "I, Mikrel, the human bard from the human kingdom, wish to play a song.”

Douxie blinked at him. “For what purpose, exactly?”

"I want to charm the traps into revealing themselves."

“...I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s worth a shot." Eli shrugged.

“Play on, minstrel!” Toby said. “Play- but our lives depend on it so make it snappy."

“Wait-“ Douxie sputtered. “You can’t just-“

Eli put a hand over his mouth and began his poor attempt at beatboxing. After a moment, Toby joined in, bouncing back and forth to the beat of the music.

Douxie looked about ready to slam his face into the table. “...I can’t believe this.”

“This hallway looks so dangerous,” Krel started. “I feel it might just swallow us. If you’re a trap, come out and clap, and make the way less treacherous.”

Aja burst into applause, and Krel bowed. The rest of the table looked to Douxie, waiting to see if it had worked.

The Dungeon Master gave them all a baleful glare. “I should strike you all down with lightning for making me endure that."

“Yes but did it work?” Toby pressed, squinting at Douxie.

Douxie huffed a sigh. "Roll and we'll see.” Then, under his breath, he muttered, “And to think, I used to hang out with Shakespeare.”

The room’s attention shifted back to Krel as his sister passed him the twenty-sided die. He tossed it back and forth between his four hands a few times, then cast it onto the table. All eyes were locked onto the small plastic piece as it rolled to a stop...

14.

“Haha! Yes!” Krel cheered, pumping a fist into the air.

Douxie dragged both hands down the length of his face with a groan. “You hear a deep rumble of displeasure somewhere beneath your feet and the hallway creaks in irritation."

“Nice going, Krel," Eli said. “Now the hallway's mad at us.”

“Quick!” Toby put both hands on the table. “Who hasn't done a perception check?"

Slowly, all eyes turned to Steve.

Steve looked up from his phone. “What? Are we fighting? Is it my turn?"

“Is there anyone else?" Toby asked, looking around the table.

Douxie grinned, his upbeat attitude restored. “Nope! Everyone else has gone. Steve is your last hope."

Krel sat back in his chair. "So we're doomed."

"Hey, whoa whoa whoa, not so fast!" Steve said, putting his phone away. “You’re talking to the Spring Fling King, here! So what are we fighting? Orcs? Goblins? Evil robots? Time traveling ninjas?"

Claire gave him a deadpan look. "Steve. That’s not even-”

“Claire, stop,” Toby said, his head bowed. "It’s no use. Let's just...get this over with.”

Aja passed Steve the twenty-sided die and kissed his cheek. “You’ve got this, my warrior oaf.” Beside her, Krel gagged in silence.

Steve winked at Aja. “Course I got this.” He shook the die in his hands and dropped it onto the table. It hit the side of a pen and bounced, rolling onto the floor.

Douxie threw out his hands. "Nobody move!"

The party members sat, frozen, as the sound of the twenty-sided die rolling against the concrete floor gradually came to a stop.

Douxie, Eli, and Toby dropped to the ground. 

A half-second later, Eli jumped several feet into the air and punched the air. "Natural twenty!”

The room erupted. The party members high-fived each other, patting Steve on the back and chattering about how close they had come to death.

Douxie sat back in his chair, somber. Quietly, he looked over all of his planning, all of his traps, all of the monsters and weapons he had hidden… Sure, it would still be fun for the team to get across the hallway, but he had been hoping for something a little harder for them. Really, he had been hoping that someone would trigger the trapdoor and send them on a side quest that would loop back around to make this small campaign more satisfying, but…oh well. He could always work that in somewhere else, he supposed. 

Steve clapped his hands together. “Alright, Doux. Where we going?”

Douxie snapped his fingers, magically revealing all the traps he had set in place (and the dragon that awaited them beneath the floor). “King Stephen, Paladin of Zeus, you look around the hallway and see springs, chips in stone, frayed rope ends, light from other, hidden chambers, and a variety of signs, all pointing to an abundance of traps on the path forward.”

“Wow.” Steve leaned forward, surveying the dungeon illusion on the table. “Wow. Uh, okay. I’m gonna move forward. Three squares.”

Douxie froze, a thought popping into his head. “…Stephen?”

Steve blinked, confused, before it hit him. “Oh. Yeah, that’s me.”

“…What’s your intelligence level?”

“Uh…” Steve looked down at his character sheet. Eli and Toby scrambled to get up from their seats, tripping over themselves to get to Steve’s side.

Eli pulled the character sheet from Steve’s hands, and he paled. Toby looked up in horror. “You wouldn’t.”

“Gimme that,” Steve grumbled, yanking the sheet out of Eli’s hands. “Where’s…?” 

Aja pointed to a square on the page. “That one.”

“Oh,” Steve said. “I have a four. Why?”

Douxie grinned, his devilish optimism returning in an instant. “Make an intelligence saving throw.” 

Chapter 2: The Figure in the Corner

Summary:

Douxie sputtered. “What? I never said-"

"We know that you just make all the important minor characters self-inserts, D.M.,” Toby said.

Notes:

okay so I will randomly be posting more oneshots to this because you guys liked it 😊

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Alright, so you all leave the building, and you're back on Main Street."

Eli looked over the magical illusion of the town in front of them. "How many hours of daylight do we have left?"

Douxie shrugged. "A few. It's early afternoon."

"That gives us enough time to check a few places," Eli said. "If we split up-"

Toby scoffed. "Eli'helem, you are clearly forgetting the first rule of fantastical questing."

"Which is?"

"When you need information..." Toby pointed to a wide building near the center of the town and grinned. "...always check the tavern first."

Claire raised an eyebrow. "Check the tavern?"

"Yep!"

"In early afternoon."

"Hey, lady. I don't make the rules. I just remember them at key moments. You're welcome."

Jim rubbed the back of his head. "I guess it couldn't hurt. There's probably only a few people in there anyways, right? So it won't take too long. And we've gotta start somewhere."

"Kanjigar has a point," Krel said. "I have no problem checking inside this...'tavern.' Maybe we will find someone that can give us a better idea of where to look - otherwise, we will just be going from place to place. But we have to be inconspicuous. We don't want to get the wrong kind of attention."

"To the tavern!" Toby said.

"So, you're all going to the tavern?" Douxie clarified. 

A low growl made the attention shift to the opposite end of the table, where Steve sat. He gave a nervous laugh. "As long as there's food inside, I'm up for it."

"Oh! I almost forgot," Jim said, putting his bag on his lap and pulling out a few small bags. "I made some snack pouches for everyone. To get into the...uh, D&D spirit."

Jim tossed the snack bags around the table to the other players, temporarily putting the game on pause. Toby looked inside his bag and looked up, teary-eyed. "Jimbo, is this...is this bread, cheese, and meat? And a bottle of ale?"

"Uh, I mean, yeah? It's just a toasted ham-and-cheese sandwich and a bottle of root beer-"

"This is the single greatest gift I have ever been given in my entire life," Toby said.

Claire kissed Jim on the cheek. "It looks great."

"Speaking of food," Douxie cut in, impatient to continue with his story, "are you all going into the tavern or not?"

"Yes, we're going in," Eli said. The team members - most of whom were busy wolfing down their food - nodded in agreement.

"Okay," Douxie said, manipulating the game board. The character avatars for each player moved down the road to the tavern. "So, you reach the tavern and-"

“Oh! Oh! Can I kick down the door?" Aja asked, sitting forward. “Do I have to roll?"

Douxie hummed, thinking. “Well. Yeah. Why not.“

Aja barely shook the twenty-sided die before dropping it onto the table.

19.

"Ana kicks the door with such force," Douxie said, "that it rattles for only a second before the hinges snap and the door falls forward, hitting the tavern floor with a loud CRASH. Every eye in the place turns on you.”

“Way to be inconspicuous,“ Krel muttered.

Aja cringed. "Sorry!"

“The tavern-keeper starts crying,” Douxie added.

"Can I...put the door back?" Aja asked. “If it matters so much-"

“Nah, it's fine,” Steve said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "His fault for having a weak door.”

“Alright, everyone, look alive,” Claire said, taking charge and setting aside her food. “We’re looking for a...?”

Claire looked to Douxie, who started looking over his notes. "Oh, uh, you lot wanted to find Theseus’s servant, first.”

"And he's a young man, right?“

"About your age, yes."

"Alright," Claire turned back to the table. “We’re looking for a young man with blue and black hair, a lute nearby, and a black cat tattoo somewhere visible.”

Douxie sputtered. “What? I never said-"

"We know that you just make all the important minor characters self-inserts, D.M.,” Toby said. "And that's totally fine! Makes it easy to find the people we’re supposed to pick out of a crowd."

“I don't do that, though," Douxie protested. “I spend time putting everything together in a unique worlds full of individual, original characters-"

“Yeah yeah," Toby interrupted, “I take a look around the tavern. Who do I see?"

“Well,” Douxie said, returning to his notes. “There’s the tavern-keeper - who's still sobbing, by the way.”

Aja cringed and whispered, "Sorry...”

"But otherwise,” Douxie continued, “there are only three customers in the place. It is, after all, relatively early in the afternoon. There's a huge human with a missing eye and a gold tooth, sitting by an unlit fireplace. A little ways from him sits a half-orc woman with coarse hair. And finally, there's a...um...third figure, sitting in the corner. You'll have to split up-“

Claire raised an eyebrow, "Does the third figure have blue hair and a cat tattoo?"

“...I don’t see how that's relevant-"

“Yep, it’s him!” Eli cried. “Get him, boys!"

Notes:

Tumblr: @pechoraflow

Got a few more ideas coming soon... 👀👀👀

 

 
Please note! I will not be posting TOA stuff for a little while - I want to finish my MCU Tangled AU, "Berceuse", and a DBH fic, "CyberLife Really Thought of Everything", before throwing myself headfirst into a new fandom. I also have a DBH AU event coming up in the next few weeks, so there's that.

Feel free to brainstorm ideas with me over on Tumblr! I never sleep so chances are I'll be online. :D

Notes:

In case anyone's curious, here are the characters that the TOA guardians came up with:
Jim - Kanjigar the Courageous, tiefling paladin
Toby - Duke Torvaldur, dwarf barbarian
Claire - Brigida, half-orc cleric
Eli - Eli’helem, elf ranger
Steve - King Stephen, the half-elf paladin
Aja - Ana, human fighter
Krel - Mikrel, human bard
Douxie - Dungeon Master (but if he could play, he’d be a half-elf bard)

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