Archive of Our Own ^beta

There weren't many things Dazai could pride himself on. He knew what he was good at, how devastatingly brilliant he was even on his bad days. That didn’t mean he enjoyed it, or found pride in the things he did. He often was more bored at how easy it all was, or felt a quiet pang of guilt at his own cruelty. The guilt never lasted, only seemed to linger in his mind after hard days of work, with too many drinks in his system and a heavy weariness from one too many sleepless nights.

One thing Dazai always could count on was that he was rarely wrong about his work. He knew how to weed out incorrect information, how to make sure everything went smoothly. There was a reason Mori trusted him so much, even with how young he was. He was reliable . He didn’t make mistakes.

So when a job goes wrong, leaving too many dead or injured subordinates, he knows it wasn’t on him . Maybe he was cocky and should think of himself on a less high level. Except, he had good reason to see himself this way. He didn’t get his status and reputation from a trail of mistakes. Either someone purposely fed him wrong information (unlikely, as he never took information without making sure personally it was correct), or a subordinate disobeyed his orders. 

It wasn’t hard for Dazai to guess which subordinate it was. 

Dazai had stayed nearby to where the meeting was to take place. He kept his distance on purpose, as this was supposed to be a little test for Akutagawa to see how the younger boy did when he thought he was alone. Obviously Dazai wouldn’t let him off his leash completely, he knew better than that, but now he was beginning to regret giving him any leeway. It was supposed to be a simple weapons deal. Akutagawa should have been able to handle it without resorting to violence, but apparently Dazai had given him too much credit.

Dazai’s coat fluttered behind him as he walked through the now blood covered alley, stepping over bodies as he approached the fallen form of Akutagawa. He was curled onto his side, facing away from Dazai. He seemed aware that he was approaching, as his body tensed up once he was only a foot away, but still refused to look at him.

“Get up, Akutagawa-kun.”

His voice was cold, anger clear in his tone. He didn’t have the patience to deal with an injured Akutagawa, not after he messed up so badly-- and on such a simple task as well. Dazai was baffled why he would even think this was okay, what could have possibly led him to believe this sort of violence was necessary. The group they were making the deal with was a longtime partner, someone he personally had many dealings with through his years in the mafia. Dazai was angry, yes, but he also was baffled . He thought he could tame Akutagawa, but he was starting to wonder if all this work was pointless. 

Dazai knew Akutagawa showed promise. Even in the short time training under Dazai he had sharpened considerably, becoming more than the rabid street dog he was when they first met. It was impressive how quickly he learned. Times like this were only more frustrating because Dazai knew what Akutagawa was capable of. He knew how strong the boy could be, how much more he could be if only he stopped relying so much on his own brute strength.

Akutagawa made a pitiful noise from the ground. He attempted to sit up, but was clearly struggling. He could, theoretically, help the boy up, but he felt that Akutagawa deserved to feel that pain. He wanted him to know the consequences to his actions. If he wanted to start unnecessary fights, he should at least learn to deal with the downside to his impulsivity. 

Dazai watched as Akutagawa struggled to his feet, swaying in place and looking as if he was about to collapse if he tried to actually walk. Somehow, even while putting on a very pathetic display, he managed to glare at Dazai from under his long eyelashes. It was strange how the boy could look so pretty while also so angry, covered in a mixture of his own and his opponents blood. Actually, Dazai thought, the blood might add to the appeal. Ah, but thoughts like those were for another time. He needed to focus on the matter at hand.

“I didn’t do this, Dazai-san,” Akutagawa spat out, “So stop looking at me like I did .”

Dazai took a step closer to Akutagawa, crowding into his space so the younger boy had to strain his neck to look up at him. 

“Then who did it? I am dying to hear what excuse you have this time.”

“ They attacked me . I did everything you asked, but I cannot control them suddenly turning on me.”

Oh. 

So maybe Dazai jumped to conclusions a little early this time. 

In his defense, Akutagawa did have the tendency to go against his orders. Dazai was pretty sure he didn’t intend to disobey, he just had impulse control issues. He struggled to keep his emotions in check-- to actually stop, examine the situation and think before he acted. It wouldn’t have been the first time for this to happen, for him to snap and kill even if it wasn’t necessary. 

Maybe he should have given Akutagawa a little more credit.

Dazai sighed and ran a hand down his face. While it was good that Akutagawa hadn’t ruined this transaction, it did bring up another problem. Now he had to figure out why one of the mafia’s long term weapon dealers decided to stab them in the back (literally, if the wound Akutagawa was now clutching weakly was any indicator). He let his eyes wander to the bodies on the ground, sighing again as he accepted the fact that he would have to get his hands dirty tonight. If Akutagawa hadn’t messed this up, then there was no reason to punish him anymore. The boy was obviously struggling to stay upright, he had a dazed look in his eyes and Dazai was certain he would lose consciousness any moment now.

“Stay there,” Dazai commanded, although from the way Akutagawa’s eyes were slipping shut he probably didn’t have to tell him that. He tried to act as quickly as possible, looking through the bodies of the men Akutagawa killed to see if he could find anything that might tell him why they attacked. 

Dazai let out a frustrated grunt and kicked at one of the corpses as, even after his thorough search, he found nothing of use. There wasn’t much he could do now, so he made a mental note to look into this further later. For now, he had a more pressing issue to focus his attention on. He turned his attention back to Akutagawa, who was now slumped against the alley wall. He was still standing, but it was obvious that the wall was the primary reason he hadn’t completely collapsed. 

Dazai walked over to Akutagawa, leaning down so he could get the smaller boy's arm thrown around his shoulder. Akutagawa was barely lucid, but he was still aware enough to look at Dazai with shock in his eyes. Dazai ignored his reaction, refusing to look at him as he continued to half carry him out of the alleyway.

“What’re you doin’-?” Akutagawa slurred, stumbling over his own feet as he attempted to pull away from Dazai. Stubborn brat. Of course the one time he actually tries to help the kid, he puts up a fight.

Dazai tightened his grip on Akutagawa’s waist, pulling him back against his side. The boy tripped slightly, but Dazai’s hand was firm and prevented him from falling completely onto the pavement.

“I’m taking you home.” His tone was final, using the same voice he used to command Akutagawa. He knew how to keep the boy in line, how to stop his stubborn attempts to fight back. Using this knowledge to actually help the younger boy was new, but Dazai decided to not overthink this. He was tired, angry at the events of the night, and wanted it all to be over. His week hadn’t been an easy one, and this was the final nail in the coffin. Thankfully, Akutagawa shut up quickly after that. He clearly was still surprised, but didn’t fight it more.

Dazai debated where exactly he was going to bring Akutagawa. He could bring him back to their headquarters, but he felt a sickening twist in his gut at leaving Akutagawa alone there in this state. He didn’t understand why he felt that way and, frankly, he didn’t want to understand. Putting too much thought into the complicated, messy feelings he had for the other boy was not exactly his idea of a good time. They were the feelings that kept him awake at night, that scratched incessantly at the back of his mind and refused to leave him alone. He did know, on some level, what he felt for Akutagawa. He wasn’t that oblivious. He just refused to let himself think about them.

Pushing that train of thought quickly aside, Dazai turned his focus back onto the matter at hand. The other two options were to bring Akutagawa back to the cramped apartment he shared with his sister, or for Dazai to bring him to his own apartment. While there was nothing wrong with Akutagawa’s apartment, Dazai also knew the sibling’s often did not have the supplies that he would need to patch Akutagawa up. It wasn’t that they weren’t prepared, it was just rare for either of them to have to do that themselves . They didn’t have the same reservations that Dazai had, so if it was up to Akutagawa he would probably be fine being taken to a mafia doctor.

Dazai, on the other hand, did not trust others enough for that. If he was actually injured, he could fix himself back in his apartment. No one would ever have to know, and he could continue his duties as an executive without the hassle of needing medical attention. It was easier for him that way, and Mori had given up caring what Dazai did to himself so there was no one to fight him on it.

Which is how Dazai found himself bringing Akutagawa into his apartment. The other boy had passed out at some point during the walk, making Dazai carry him completely for the remainder of the way. At least he was quite small, so Dazai did not have difficulty scooping him into his arms. It was kind of cute how easy he was to hold. He knew this was a serious situation, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about other scenarios where the knowledge that Akutagawa was very light would come in handy. He knew he shouldn’t, but it had been a long day and an even longer night and fuck it, he felt a little bad for assuming Akutagawa had been at fault for the bloodshed tonight, and now he wanted to do something nice for the other boy.

Dazai wasn’t oblivious to the way Akutagawa looked at him. He wasn’t sure it was possible to be unaware of it, he wasn’t exactly subtle about his... Attraction? Obsession? Whatever it was, everyone knew. 

That made Dazai keeping his own feelings in check much harder. He was relieved that he was so good at hiding his true feelings even unrelated to this, as it made it easier to cover up any weirdness he might accidentally express. He didn’t want these feelings for the other boy, felt guilty for thinking of him the way he did. He knew, knew there were less harsh ways to treat Akutagawa. He understood he wasn’t a good person. That was why he never let himself indulge in Akutagawa, barely let himself even understand his own feelings for the younger boy. It was cruel enough how he treated him, he did not need to add an extra layer of cruelty. He was already bad enough as is.

Yet, here he was, carefully carrying Akutagawa into his home so he could care for him. He could tell himself that it was an apology of sorts, but he was too tired to lie that way. This was a selfish act, plain and simple. It was almost funny, how treating someone with kindness could be its own form of cruelty. If Akutagawa was conscious right now, Dazai knew he would love this. He knew this was everything he craved from Dazai yet believed he could never have. A wave of guilt hit him once again. 

Do better. Be better. Treat him better. He deserves better. You should never have brought him in. Do better. Be better. Treat him better. He deserves so much more than you. Why can’t you let him go? You know this is wrong. You know what is right. Do better.

Do better, do better, do better, do better, do better...

Dazai kicked open the door to his bathroom, gritting his teeth as he tried to ignore the chanting in his mind. He hated that even after all the training Mori put him through, after everything he had taught himself to do, he still had these thoughts. He had no idea where they came from. No one told him those things. Maybe he was spending too much time with Odasaku. 

He carefully placed Akutagawa on the floor, propping him up against the wall, before slowly stripping the clothes from his body. Thankfully, it appeared the worst of it was how much blood had soaked through them. Dazai knew how important Akutagawa’s clothes were to him, especially the coat. If it had been damaged badly, he knew how much it would upset the boy. Another one of the things that made it abundantly clear how he felt for Dazai. The coat not only was what gave him strength, a piece of armor that was a natural extension of his body due to his ability, it was also Dazai’s coat. The coat he had given Akutagawa nearly a year ago, when he first took him under his wing. There was no doubt that that was one of the main reasons the young boy was so attached to that coat in particular.

Dazai carefully folded the coat and put it to the side to wash later, but decided to throw his remaining clothes away. The white shirt was definitely ruined, there was only so much washing could do when that much blood got onto it. He did also leave his underwear, not wanting to strip the boy completely. It wouldn't be fair to make the boy vulnerable in that way, not tonight.

He let out a sigh of relief when he realized that the wound Akutagawa had sustained didn’t seem that bad. It wasn’t great, but it was manageable. Dazai wouldn’t be surprised if the main reason Akutagawa passed out was because his health was already poor. He knew the boy, unfortunately, had the same habit Dazai did when it came to rarely sleeping or eating. He knew he should try to fix that for Akutagawa at least, maybe try and order him to eat something for once. Whether he liked it or not, Akutagawa was under his care in a twisted sort of way. He could even pass it off as concern for his performance on the job, telling him that he will never be strong enough if he didn’t take care of himself.

Sadly, that would not sound convincing coming from Dazai. Akutagawa wasn’t stupid. He knew that Dazai didn’t take care of himself either. He did enough to stay alive, but not much else. It was a miracle he could get as much work done that he did, or that he was able to stay as sharp as was needed from him. 

Dazai busied himself with cleaning the excess blood from Akutagawa. He wondered briefly how much of this was actually his, and how much was from the men who thought they could attack him without getting slaughtered. Dazai smiled to himself, running the (now blood covered) damp towel over Akutagawa’s chest. He really was an impressive fighter, watching him kill was beautiful in a sick sort of way. Seeing the ways Rashomon could move was mesmerizing, and Dazai ached to push him to grow the possibilities of his ability. He knew that it could be used for so much more than mindless slaughter if he just pushed himself, if he stopped assuming violence was the best way out of any problem.

A sigh slipped past Dazai’s lips, hands stilling where they were on Akutagawa’s now clean skin. He bit his lip, not wanting to look too closely but being unable to help himself. He dropped the towel and trailed his hand over Akutagawa’s chest, his fingers barely touching skin. He had so many scars already. Some from years ago, far before Dazai had even met him. Others he recognized as things he had done to Akutagawa, injuries he had gotten from training. Yet another reminder that Dazai should not be caring for Akutagawa in this way.

Akutagawa was petite when they had first met and he had barely grown since that day. He had filled out during the past year, his body now more toned than the scrawny skin and bones he had been when Dazai had first found him. He still looked underfed, but not to a dangerous extent. He certainly wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t look like a walking corpse which was an improvement. 

The wound in Akutagawa’s gut wasn’t too deep, and Dazai quickly berated himself for getting distracted from the task at hand. He dug around under his sink, before pulling out the first aid kit he had stashed away there. It had much more than an average first aid kit, as Dazai had taken it upon himself to stock it with medical supplies he had “borrowed” from Mori. He moved back to Akutagawa, taking his time to make sure the slash was clean before starting to give the younger boy stitches. He had done this countless times to himself, and found it quite easy comparatively to do it on another person. At least this way the angle wasn’t as strange.

Akutagawa shifted as Dazai worked, making the older boy pause to see if he was waking up. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing that Akutagawa stayed unconscious, but at least he didn’t appear to be completely unaware if he did react to the pain even while knocked out. Maybe Dazai could have done something to dull the sensations, but if Akutagawa wasn’t even awake he wasn’t entirely sure what he could do. He might have a lot of experience dealing with his own injuries, but he still had no official medical training. Everything he knew he taught himself, or picked up on from working closely with Mori. His knowledge was still quite limited.

It wasn't too long before Dazai finished stitching up Akutagawa. The wound really wasn’t that bad. He picked the boy back up, careful to not mess with his new stitches, and carried him down the hallway and into the bedroom. He placed him gently on the bed, before moving to his closet to find something to dress Akutagawa in. He still needed to clean his coat, but Dazai could lend him clothes to wear for the night. 

He really shouldn't be putting this much effort into making sure Akutagawa was okay. It was a bad idea. Dazai knew it was a bad idea. Yet, he couldn't help himself. The more he did for the other boy, the more he realized how much he wanted him. He wanted to keep the boy safe, protected. The only person who could touch Akutagawa was Dazai . No one else could have him, whether they wanted to hurt or help him. He already had been claimed.

When Dazai turned to make his way back to the bed, a pair of black sweatpants and a grey t-shirt in hand, he froze suddenly as he saw that Akutagawa was trying to sit up. He clenched the clothes tighter in his hands, slowly making his way closer to the edge of the bed. Akutagawa looked up at him, an edge of fear in his eyes as he pushed himself up.

“Sir, I-” Akutagawa started, but cut himself off with a coughing fit. He fell back onto the bed, clutching at his stomach with the sudden waves of pain.

Dazai pressed his hand down on Akutagawa’s shoulder, keeping him down on the bed. Akutagawa’s eyes widened, the fear growing in his expression as he got pinned by the older boy. His body was frozen in place and a slight whimper slipped past his lips.

“I’m sorry I couldn't do better. I- I don't know what you- you want from me, but please just- just let me go ho-”

Dazai pressed a finger to Akutagawa’s lip, cutting off his desperate pleas with a quiet shush . The boy underneath him didn't seem less afraid, but he was quiet now. Dazai sighed and pulled his hand away, trying to soften his own expression as he said, “I’m not angry with you, Akutagawa-kun. I am trying to get you to rest. ”

Akutagawa scrunched his face in confusion, head tilting to the side in- fuck, a very adorable way as he stared up at Dazai. There is still a glimpse of fear in his eyes, but he now seems more surprised than afraid.

“You... want me to rest..?” Akutagawa says slowly, eyes narrowing as he tries to see if there's any indication that Dazai was lying. 

“You were stabbed,” Dazai said with a shrug, “And since you didn't start the fighting, I see no reason in treating you as if you had. Punishing you for that wouldn't make sense.”

“But I still failed .”

“ You didn't fail. If I had no idea they were going to turn on us, there obviously was no way you could have known. I don't expect you to know better than me, after all.”

Akutagawa went quiet after that, still looking at Dazai with a curious look. The fear was no longer in his eyes, but he still didn't seem fully convinced. There wasn't much Dazai could do about that. He understood why the boy assumed Dazai was going to hurt him, as most situations he would have. This night was different. Dazai sighed and dropped the clothes onto Akutagawa’s chest, pointedly not looking at his body anymore now that he was awake.

“Your clothes need to be washed. You can wear these tonight.”

Akutagawa attempted to sit up again but, when it was clear how much he was struggling, Dazai rolled his eyes and helped him up. There was a faint blush covering Akutagawa’s face ( adorable) as Dazai’s hand drifted briefly over his thigh, his hip. He took the sweatpants back from Akutagawa, dropping his gaze as he carefully pulled them onto the younger boy's legs. He tried to not think about how surprisingly soft his skin was, or how small his legs were compared to Dazai’s hands.

When he finally looked up at Akutagawa again, the faint blush from before now turned his face completely crimson. He wasn't looking directly at Dazai, but he clinged at the sheets around him and was clearly trying to keep himself calm. Dazai had the sudden desire to kiss him. He wanted to push him into the mattress, kiss him until he was breathless and then continue far past that point.

Dazai realized belatedly that he might not be as subtle about what he was thinking about as he assumed, as Akutagawa’s eyes widened the longer he looked at him. Dazai cleared his throat and grabbed the shirt, mumbling “Lift your arms” and wishing Akutagawa had stayed unconscious. He was far too tired, too drained from work and doing...all of this for the other boy was making him lose his composure. He had to keep it together.

Akutagawa obeyed quickly, eyes darting all around the room, looking anywhere but the older boy in front of him. Dazai carefully pulled the shirt down over his head, trying not to jostle him too much as he didn't want to disturb his new stitches. 

Now that Akutagawa was finally dressed, Dazai pushed him back down onto the mattress and mumbled, “Sleep.”

Akutagawa’s eyes were already slipping shut. Clearly staying awake at all had been a struggle for him. He curled onto his side, wincing as the movement irritated his wound. Dazai moved the blanket so it covered the other boy, hoping the gesture wasn’t too gentle. He hoped none of this changed anything between them, that he wouldn’t lose the power he had over the boy. As confusing as his feelings were for him, he certainly hadn’t planned to ever show this part to him. Maybe, even if he was technically awake, he would be too tired to actually remember what Dazai did. The memories of the tender way Dazai handled him would slip away as he fell into a deep sleep.

Dazai tried not to linger near Akutagawa for too much longer, shaking his head in an attempt to physically clear his mind. He already was starting to regret his actions of the night, cursing himself for taking Akutagawa home with him. He shouldn’t have slipped up that way, let his emotions get the upper hand. He berated himself even as he collected Akutagawa’s clothes from where he had left them in the bathroom. He threw out the shirt and pants, but started carefully cleaning the coat in his tub. He told himself this was too much, he should stop being so kind to Akutagawa, as he hand washed the blood out of the fabric and hung it up to dry.

Dazai had every intention to sleep in the living room. He had slept in far more uncomfortable places than his couch, after all. He could also spend the night trying to find information on why the deal Akutagawa was supposed to make went south. There were many things he could do that did not involve going back into his bedroom.

And yet, as if his mind had turned to autopilot, Dazai found himself standing in the doorway of his bedroom once more. He gripped the doorframe, staring at the other boy who slept deeply in his bed. He shouldn’t be in here. He really should not be in here. He should turn around and leave the bedroom, leave the apartment . He should not have done any of this. Should not have brought Akutagawa home. 

Why did you bring Akutagawa home?

Akutagawa shifted in bed, rolling onto his side so now his face was in view. He looked so peaceful for someone who had been stabbed only a few hours ago. Dazai was so used to seeing the boy with either a look of anger or fear on his face that seeing him look so... vulnerable, so open, had him frozen in place. He couldn’t even remember what he was thinking before, his mind now blank. His eyes focused on the way Akutagawa’s dark hair fell across the pillows ( Dazai’s pillows, because he was in Dazai’s bed ). He wanted to run his fingers through it, wanted to see how soft those curls were. 

Dazai was moving forward before he could stop himself. His mind was yelling at him that this was a bad idea, that he needed to put distance between himself and the other boy. Akutagawa was his subordinate. He understood what their relationship would be the moment he brought the boy in. He was smarter than this. Dazai had no excuse to be so attached, to want him so badly he ached for him. He should have better control than this. Most days, he did have better control than this. The quiet whispers of feelings for Akutagawa had never been a problem until now. He had let his guard down and now the desperation was hitting him full force. He hadn’t realized how big of a problem this was until tonight.

He needed to get a hold of himself. He had been standing beside the bed, looking down at Akutagawa as he slept, for way too long. Really, any amount of time watching someone sleep like this was too long. He began to turn away, finally pushing himself to leave the other boy alone, when a hand reached out and grabbed the sleeve of his jacket. 

“Stay...?” 

A quiet voice came from behind Dazai’s back, making the last remains of his self control slip away. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, needing to steady himself before he looked over his shoulder at Akutagawa. He was clearly not fully awake, his eyes clouded with sleepiness as he blinked up at Dazai. He seemed aware enough to be nervous, as he was chewing on his bottom lip.

Dazai sighed and reached up to grab Akutagawa’s hand to pull it off his sleeve.

“I can’t.” He was surprised at how quiet his voice was, how clear the desperation was in his tone. He didn’t know if it was obvious what he was feeling, if it was clear how painful it was to say no.

“Why not?” Akutagawa seemed equally upset, frustration twisting his once peaceful expression. He wrapped his fingers around Dazai’s wrist, delicately pulling him down. Dazai wondered how he could be so timid and so bold all at once. He clearly wasn’t sure of himself, obviously did not want to upset Dazai, yet he was still pushing this. Dazai felt his resolve crumbling at the way Akutagawa stared up at him. His eyes had grown wide, as if he too was shocked at his own actions. 

“I think you know this isn’t a good idea,” Dazai muttered, yet found himself taking Akutagawa’s hand into his own anyway. He felt a flutter in his stomach as their fingers intertwined, his hand fully encompassing the other boy's much smaller hand. He wanted so desperately to fall into bed beside him, to wrap his arms around him and keep him close. The words he said were a direct contradiction to what he felt, what he longed for. Even if they both knew fully that this was wrong, that they shouldn’t touch each other so tenderly, neither of them were capable of stopping it now that this wall had been broken down.

Akutagawa’s hand trembled in Dazai’s grip. His eyes were still wide, looking up at Dazai with awe. He looked as if this was a holy moment for him, like he hadn’t expected Dazai to ever touch him this way. As if Dazai hadn’t been touching him like this all night, as if he hadn’t been touching Akutagawa with a level of care and reverence that surprised himself. He rubbed circles onto the back of the other boy’s hand with his thumb, thrilled at the subtle shiver that ran through Akutagawa at the movement.

“ Please. ”

The quiet plea was all it took for Dazai to finally succumb to the (annoying, messy, disastrous) thoughts swirling in his mind. He dropped Akutagawa’s hand for only a moment, but immediately missed the feeling. As dainty as his hand had been, it was still clear from the scarring and calluses that Akutagawa was a fighter. Dazai wanted to know what those battle hardened hands would feel like on other parts of his body. He wanted so much more than he would ever allow himself to have.

Dazai shrugged out of his suit jacket, loosening his tie as he tossed the jacket to the other side of the room. He noticed the way Akutagawa watched him, a spark of excitement in his eyes. His gaze lingered as Dazai quickly took off his clothing, stripping down until he was only in his undershirt and boxers. He wasn't looking at Akutagawa, but he could feel his stare.

Dazai hesitated for only a moment, before finally slipping into bed next to Akutagawa. The other boy moved over, giving him more space to lie down. They both were so hesitant, neither touching the other as they got comfortable. Dazai tried to keep space, knowing this was already too far then he should have gone. 

You could still leave to sleep on the couch. This wouldn't be the first time you hurt and disappointed him. 

Dazai pushed the thought aside as soon as it came into his mind. He was already in bed and the exhaustion from the week was fully weighing on him now. He just... didn’t want to leave. He should leave, it was selfish and stupid to stay. He knew this would only complicate things further. 

That didn’t stop him from curling onto his side and watching Akutagawa falling back to sleep. They still were not touching, but Dazai could feel the other boy. The bed was far warmer than it had ever been, two bodies finally occupying the bed that was far too big for Dazai himself. He usually liked the space, enjoying being able to spread out his long limbs whenever he had a chance to sleep in his apartment. Now, he almost wished it was smaller so the space between them wouldn’t be as large. He kept his hands to himself, even if he wanted to reach out and pull Akutagawa against him. Still, somehow, he had enough control of himself to stay on his side of the bed. 

Dazai felt sleep taking him, unable to keep his eyes open. He wanted to stay awake. He didn’t want to fall asleep, as he knew the moment he woke up this all would be gone. He knew he would be stricter with himself in the future and would keep his emotions in check. This was his first and last chance to spend time with Akutagawa in this way. The violence and aggression would return tomorrow, but for tonight his arms ached to hold Akutagawa.

He is so beautiful. How can he look so calm when sharing a bed with a monster? How could he let his guard down around you? After everything you have done to him, he still wants you. He still trusts you. You could have him, if you asked. You know he would say yes. Think about how pretty he would look pinned underneath you.

Thoughts continued to swirl in his mind as he drifted to sleep, a persistent whispering that only got louder every time his eyes flickered open and he saw how close Akutagawa had gotten to him.

So beautiful, so beautiful, so beautiful...

Dazai's eyes slowly flickered open as the sun filtered in through his bedroom window. He felt a strange warmth pressed against his face, much different than the pillow he fell asleep on. His sleep muddled brain was trying to wake up, still too confused to understand what was happening. He was about to sit up, to look at what he had slept on during the night, when he realized there was a hand running through his hair.

The touch was so gentle, Dazai barely realized what was happening. It took a moment for his half-awake mind to understand someone was petting him. Small fingers carding through his hair, careful not to pull on any tangles. It felt absolutely lovely. He wanted the feeling to last forever.

That was when it hit Dazai what had happened the night before. 

He fell asleep with Akutagawa. Had brought Akutagawa home, cared for his wounds, and then slept with him . Regret was quickly building in his gut in a way that felt suspiciously like nausea, like he would throw up at the vulnerability he had shown with the younger boy. As if that was not bad enough, he also moved to sleep on top of Akutagawa sometime during the night, as if his unconscious brain decided to sabotage him even more than he already sabotaged himself.

Suddenly, the fingers in his hair started to scratch at his scalp and Dazai’s panic washed away. He felt relaxed. Far more relaxed then he ever had felt before. He kept as still as he could, not wanting Akutagawa to figure out he had woken up. He knew this would end if the other boy realized that Dazai was awake, and he wanted to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. He was so selfish to trick his subordinate this way. He should push him away. He shouldn't be melting into the touch, desperate for any affection.

Akutagawa’s hand slipped to the back of Dazai’s neck, tangling in the shorter hairs there. He felt the body underneath him shift, the fingers tightening in his hair briefly, before feeling a soft kiss pressed to the top of his head. Before he could stop himself, Dazai felt a soft whimper slip past his lips.

The hand in his hair stilled. Dazai couldn’t see his face, but he could guess what Akutagawa looked like right now. He had been caught petting his sleeping superior, kissing his head, treating him more like a cat than his mentor. Dazai could hear his heart racing, could feel the boy under him tense up. He wondered how he could still be so fearful like this, with Dazai completely vulnerable in bed with him. Especially considering Dazai was on top of Akutagawa, it was pretty clear who initiated this contact. 

That thought was horrifying enough for Dazai to throw himself off Akutagawa, blankets falling off them both as he quickly scrambled to put distance between them. Akutagawa was lying frozen in place, eyes wide and face bright red as he stared at him. Dazai wouldn’t be surprised if he had the same look on his own face. They both stared at each other for far too long, hearts racing as they both processed what had happened. 

“This did not happen.” Dazai hissed, letting his feet slip off the bed. He felt a chill run through him at the lack of warmth from the bed, but suppressed any thoughts of getting back under the covers.

Pull him close again. You know you want to. It felt nice when he touched you that way, don’t you want more?

“Of course, Dazai-san.” A quiet voice said from behind him. There was sadness in Akutagawa’s words, a pain that Dazai felt in his own heart.

Dazai stood up, finding the clothes he had taken off the night before and quickly putting them back on. He kept his face turned away from Akutagawa, not wanting the other boy to see how flushed he was. God, he wanted to feel his hands in his hair again. He couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it had felt. His scalp still tingled from where his fingers had touched, a quiet need for more thrumming under his skin.

Dazai did not look at Akutagawa as he walked out of the bedroom, quickly moving through his apartment to take Akutagawa’s coat from where he had hung it in the bathroom. It wasn’t completely dry, but he figured the other boy could deal with slightly damp clothing. He only returned when he knew that his expression was back to normal, no longer feeling as flustered as he had when he first left bed.

He threw the coat at Akutagawa, who was now standing stock still at the end of the bed. He looked terrified. He looked like he thought Dazai might strike him any moment, slightly curling in on himself and avoiding looking directly at the taller boy. Dazai hated that he still wanted to kiss Akutagawa, even as he flinched away from him.

“Your other clothes were ruined. You can keep the clothes that you slept in.”

Akutagawa nodded quietly, continuing to keep his eyes averted from Dazai. He gripped the coat in his hands tightly before pulling it on. His expression visibly got more relaxed once his coat was on. Dazai wondered briefly how long it had been since Akutagawa last slept without the coat. He wondered if he had ever slept without it since Dazai first gave it to him.

He doesn’t need the coat if he can have you in his arms.

“You may leave now, Akutagawa-kun.” Dazai stepped out of the doorway, gesturing for Akutagawa to go. The younger boy scrambled to obey, moving out of the apartment before Dazai could do something stupid. Something stupid like asking him to come back to bed. 

The sound of the front door shutting echoed through the apartment and Dazai was alone again. He felt a shiver run up his spine and he wrapped his arms around himself, squeezing his waist tight. He closed his eyes and leaned against the door frame, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. It was a pathetic imitation of Akutagawa’s touch. His own hands were too shaky, too cold. Trying to recreate the sensation himself only made him crave Akutagawa even more. He ran his hand down his face, letting out a shaky sigh as he tried to compose himself. 

Dazai pushed away from the doorframe and walked back to his bed, falling face first onto the sheets. The mattress was still warm from where their bodies had been tangled, a cruel reminder of what Dazai wanted so desperately but did not deserve to have. He still felt cold even as he pulled the blanket around his body. He knew the comforter would never be enough, that the chill embedded into his skin could only be helped by small arms wrapped around him.

He didn't fall asleep again. He just laid there, clinging to his blanket as the warmth from two bodies slowly left. It didn't take long for any indication that Akutagawa had been there was gone, leaving Dazai with only a dim memory of what he longed for.