Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Prologue

Today was the birthday of Dave Strider. How old is he turning, you might ask? I don’t know and neither will you. Somewhere between 20 and 100000000 years old. With him in his living room were some of his good pals. These were; Dirk, Roxy, Rose, Kanaya, John, Jade, Karkat, and Terezi. They were about to start opening up Dave’s presents, when out of nowhere, the front door bursts open. It’s Vriska!

“Yo yo yo yo! What’s up 8itches?” Vriska exclaimed. Everyone in the room pretended to be glad, when Terezi decided to speak up

“W41T, 4R3NT Y0U SUPPOS3D TO B3 D34D?” Terezi replied. Vriska didn’t answer, simply staring at Terezi intensely for an uncomfortably long ten seconds, until she snapped out of her trance and gestured to the door.

“While I was gone, I got married to this handsome man and had a kid! Kid’s an asshole though, and he refused to come.” Through the door stumbled what looks to be a humanoid dragon man, colored like the Ender Dragon and wearing a brown coat. He coughed and wheezed as he entered. “Oh, don’t worry a8out him, the doctor said he is coming down from something called ‘FirstOCitis’, whatever that means.”

“Hello, my—” the dragon coughed into a handkerchief, “—my name is G.”

“G? G WH4T?” Terezi asked, puzzled at the oddity of this scale-sona walking into their party, who somehow enjoyed Vriska’s… quirks enough to tie the knot. The rest of the guests shared that sentiment.

“Just G. Nice to meet y’all.” He threw the ashy remains of his current handkerchief in the nearest trash can and pulled out a new one, at the ready in case his lungs decided to hit the quan.

After everyone had settled down around the dining room table and talked for a bit, Dave finally decided to open his presents. He had gotten through some of them, including a pair of socks, a model helicopter, a canister of uranium-238, and a board game about vandalizing museums. His newest present, though, was odd. A green and purple striped box, with no tag for who it was from. Certainly a step-up packaging wise from those bags with the tissue paper in them, so he gladly opened it up. What was inside, however, was a complete surprise.

“wait a minute,” Dave said, “this isn’t a millenium falcon lego set! this is a high-tech bomb! what a strange gift” The bomb inside began to beep, and before anyone could react, it detonated.

News reporters flocked to the site of one of the strangest events in the history of the United States. An entire city, gone. Nothing left but a perfectly dome-shaped crater. No mushroom cloud was seen, no scorched earth, no radiation, nothing. This day would be known as the day that the city of Unter disappeared.

Chapter Text

Chapter 1:Lord of Edge

All the lights were off in the Serket household, yet someone still stirred. G and Vriska had left a while ago, and when you are a 16 year old boy home alone with access to a computer? Hook it up to some speakers and blast metal music. What, did you think I was going to make a joke about him looking at porn while his parents are gone? No, I’m going to make a joke about making a joke about him looking at porn in a contrived attempt to be subversive and cool. The muffled sound of Metallica thundered through the house, emanating from one room. Inside, it looked like a tornado had torn through, and sounded just as loud. Clothes, food wrappers, suspicious magazines shoved under the bed are but a few things littering the floor. On the walls were posters for various metal bands and video games, including Shadow the Hedgehog and Bomberman Act Zero. The entire room was covered in various other things either black or red in color. The sheer edge in the room is enough to make a razor blade factory go out of business . In the middle of the room was an office swivel chair, because Vriska wasn’t about to shell out $500 for a gaming chair. On said chair, sat a boy of particular note.

Like his father, he was a dragon, with the wings, tail, scaled body, and overall dragon-man shit. His scales were grey, and he had four horns, two traditional draconic horns, and two trollish horns above them. His right eye was yellow, and slitted like a reptile, while his left eye had that weird spider thing his mom has. His snout contained regular dragon teeth, but he had two fangs that stuck out beyond his mouth. This genetic abomination was wearing a Metallica shirt underneath a sleeveless leather jacket with its front open, as well as those pants with the holes in them. He was currently doing what the kids these days call “vibing” to the music, except much more aggressively than what is considered safely vibing. He was singing along to the screamer lyrics that sounded like the singer was trying to cough up his own intestines when the music suddenly stopped.

“What the fuck?” Our foul-mouthed friend said as he scooted closer to the screen to see what was happening. The Internet was disconnected. “Stupid shitty fucking router, I told dad to get a new one! Fucking idiots…” His excessive cursing wasn’t as cool as he thought, sounding more like a 10 year old who discovered the word Fuck for the first time, and is now integrating it into any and all sentences. He made the trek downstairs, resetting the wifi, and coming back up. After a moment, still nothing. He angrily grunted, before flopping down onto his bed, making sure his curtains were closed before grabbing a magazine shoved under his bed. It was not the latest issue of Playtroll, but a cooking magazine. It was then he noticed something. It was way quieter than it should be. Normally, the sounds of stock sound effects would pass by, but it was almost silent. Only a strange warbling sound could be heard, not even that obnoxious stock cat meow sound effect for the eleventh time holy fuck, it doesn’t even sound like a cat I’ve never heard a cat sound remotely like that what the fuck. The sound was bothering him, so he threw the magazine on the ground and walked downstairs to open the door and check out what the fuck was warbling out there.

As the door crept open, G2 got a look outside his house. In the middle of the street of a long row of average American suburbs, was a rotating dodecahedron. Plastered on its twelve faces, was what could only be described as a low quality png of someone’s fan troll.

“please HELP me I am IMPRISONED inside a GEOMETRIC SHAPE and I am SCARED.” Yelled the ominous floating d12. G2 looked on in bewilderment at the odd object floating outside of his house. Weirder still was the sky and the skyline. The sky looked like a tie dyed t-shirt worn by a washed up old man, with many stars hanging in that kinda gross mix of colors. Stranger still, was that the skyscrapers of the city that dominated the skyline were twisted into a spiral shape, with a bright light shining from the top. These oddities aside, he approached the dodecahedron, which hovered a foot above the ground and was twice his height.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?”

“I DON’T know, JUST throw a ROCK at it.” The imprisoned one replied. G2 shook his head in disbelief of this strange occurance, and grabbed a rock. This thing’s random screaming was getting on his nerves, so he would be more than glad to chuck a rock at it. He grabbed a nearby stone about the size of a baseball. Finally, his time in little league baseball amounted to something! He chucked it at the menacing geometry, and as the stone collided, the dodecahedron shattered into a million pieces, but no sign of a troll inside. That was, until, the shards started to coalesce into a humanoid form. It was the form of a troll, with a single horn poking out his forest of spiky anime protagonist hair, which was being suppressed by his hood. His yellow eyes had strange, rectangular pupils, like that of an octopus. He wore the most awful bright yellow and green hoodie known to man, and eight belts were wrapped around his body from his waist to his armpits. He was also comically short, standing ovly 3 foot 2 inches.

“hello THANKS for saving ME. my name IS OCTROL and I am REALLY COOL.” The very short troll exclaimed. G2 just looked down at him, wondering why he bothered with him.

“Hey dickhead, what the hell is going on? Why is the sky weird and why are those buildings being twisted?” G2 grumpily inquired.

“why WOULD I know about THAT. and IF I DID, why WOULD i tell you.” Octrol replied.

“Because,” G2 snarled, smoke billowing from his mouth, “...I have the power of 7 human souls, kiddo. You dare to defy me, and I’ll blow your fucking head off.”

“this isn’t UNDERTALE you SILLY boy,” G2 choked on his own smoke at this response, “...and BESIDES, i am a FUSCIABLOOD with VERY GOOD psionics, watch.” Octrol pointed behind G2 “LOOK over there.” G2 did not look, but Octrol ran across the street and turned to the drake. “see? i TELEPORTED.” G2 shook his head and sighed.

“Whatever. I need answers and you are too dumb to supply them. I’m going to look for someone. Don’t follow me.” G2 snarled. He turned and began to walk down the street, seeing if he could find anyone on these seemingly empty roads. Octrol tailed behind G2 anyway, not fearing death at the hands of an angry teenager edgesona who listens to Linkin Park too much.

“hey, WHAT IS your name?”

“It’s G2. Can you stop following me now?”

“your NAME fucking sucks.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

These two soon-to-be comrades walked onwards towards their next destination, like the noble cowboys of justice that they were. If cowboys were made by 14 year olds on Fanfiction.net roleplaying forums.

They continued their stroll down the strangely silent suburbs. Usually, they were at least a little busy, with cars coming up and down the street and kids getting hit by said cars. In this moment of silence, Octrol decided to break the tension.

“SO, where ARE we going.” He said.

“You mean where am I going. I never asked you to come along, so fuck off.” G2 snarled.

“you won’t MAKE any FRIENDS with THAT attitude.” He replied.

“Psh, I have tons of friends, I just think you are a fucking idiot.” G2 gloated.

“how MANY?” Octrol inquired.

“Y-You know… lots…” G2 wasn’t looking at Octrol to begin with, but now he was completely avoiding looking backwards. The next few moments were filled with that awkward, eerie quiet again, until the sound of laser guns broke that silence.

Up ahead was a strange sight indeed. A group of LEGO Stormtroopers from popular video game LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga were firing their blasters at a particular quad-horned blind troll, who was currently behind cover hurling objects at the plastic soldiers. He could not exactly tell where they were, but the sound of their blaster fire was enough. G2 and Octrol were witnessing this attack, and were thinking about what to do.

“eh, IT’S not our PROBLEM. LET'S keep MOVING.” Octrol coldly stated, planning on moving on past this firefight. G2 has seen many strange things in his life, but this might just take the cake. Something very unnatural was going on. However, in the moment, he didn’t intend on helping this stranger. These were stormtroopers, it’s a well known fact that they have logic-defying inaccuracy, he should be fine. However, that concrete barrier didn’t look like it was holding up all that well to the repeated blaster fire. No, surely he would be fine… even if he is running out of crap to hurl at them...

Instead of following Octrol, he ran to the barrier, ducking and weaving under blaster bolts to get to the troll. His mind was racing, thinking of what to do. The troll took notice of this stranger, even if he could not see him.

“I assume since I d0 n0t have a burn w0und in my chest that y0u are not 0ne 0f them.” Said the blind troll.

“Nope, I’m pretty sure I’d know if I were an extra. I’m too important to be an extra.” G2 gloated. The blind troll was now beginning to question if his “savior” was actually competent, or just had an ego the size of a solar system. Whatever the case, he wasn’t complaining. Octrol, however, wasn’t as patient.

“what the FUCK are YOU doing. you’re gonna GET shot AND DIE and that ISN'T good. Octrol yelled at him. G2 ignored him, thinking of an especially cunning plan.

“Surrender now, and Latula will make sure you are placed in an especially comfortable geometric shape!” One of the stormtroopers shouted. Both the blind troll and G2 recognized the name, but for different reasons. G2 had heard his mother mention that name in passing, but for the blind troll, it was even more odd. By now, however, G2 got an idea of what to do, as the blaster bolts pounded on the barrier behind him. He quickly got up and ran over to a random couple of parked cars, which he then started to punch.

“Uh, kid? What the hell are y0u doing?” Exclaimed the blind troll.

“Have you ever played LEGO Star Wars? I’m using that dumbass logic against them.” G2 replied and continued to smash the cars into smaller bits.

“OOOOHHH, i SEE what is GOING on.” Octrol quickly scampered over to the automobiles and began to wail on them too, until they were naught but scrap. Both G2 and Octrol then reconstructed the cars into a bigger, meaner looking truck at a comically fast pace. Said ramshackle truck had a cowcatcher on the front with some integrated saw blades. G2 got in the driver’s seat, with Octrol sitting shotgun. He pulled the horn, getting the attention of the blind troll, but also the stormtroopers. The blind troll then scrambled to the source of the sound, but just ran face first into the side of the truck.

“Are you fucking blind? Get in!” G2 angrily shouted at the visually disabled man who was lost and confused.

“Why yes, thank y0u f0r being s0 c0nsiderate of my disability, n0w help me up!” The blind troll spat. After Octrol helped him into the backseat, G2 slammed his foot on the gas, propelling the murdertruck forward and pressing everyone against the back of their seats.

“DO you know HOW to drive?” Octrol hastily inquired, actually fearing for his life now.

“Well, I failed my driver’s test a week ago, but we should be fine.” G2 laxidasily replied, moving full speed ahead as the truck was pelleted by blaster fire

“don’t YOU think that buzzsaws are A BIT overkill?” Octrol asked.

“It’s fine, they are made out of legos, they will just break—“ Before he could finish, two stormtroopers not fast enough to get out of the truck’s way got caught on the cowcatcher’s buzzsaws, mincing them to bits and spraying enough blood to cover the front windshield. Everyone stayed silent for a moment, trying to process the sudden violence they had just witnessed. They did not have much time to think, however, when the truck smashed face first into a tree. Luckily, the engine block and cowcatcher protected the cab. Also luckily, everyone was wearing seatbelts, so no one got sent through the windshield. They all got out of the burning wreck they had just created and looked at the destruction they had caused.

“We might have met under strange circumstances, but I think we sh0uld at least greet each other. My name is S0llux Capt0r. How about yours?” The aforementioned blind troll said. Finally, I can stop saying “The blind troll” when referring to a character you already know the identity of, because you have actually read Homestuck.

“My name is G2 Serket. Good to meet you, I guess.” He said, holding out his hand for Sollux to shake. Sollux can’t shake a hand he can’t see, so G2 was just standing there.

“0h great, she repr0duced and might still be alive. Let me tell y0u, she was a great pers0n, and t0tally n0t a bitch.” Sollux saltily stated, probably rolling his eyes if he had any left.

“HEY, DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT ABOUT MY M—“ G2’s sudden rage was interrupted by his short companion.

“don’t mind HIM, he CAME OUT of the razor BLADE factory wrong. my NAME is OCTROL molskk. He said, forcing his hand into Sollux’s and shaking it with fervor.

“...Are y0u a child? Why are y0u s0 sh0rt?” Sollux rather bluntly asked.

“hey, i MAY be three FOOT two, BUT AT least i am not BLIND.” The rambunctious Octrol rudely retorted. Sollux sighed and shook his head.

“Well, I’m l00king f0r s0me0ne, and it’s hard t0 figure 0ut where y0u are g0ing when y0u are blind with0ut any0ne t0 guide y0u,” He said, wearily, “Frankly, I d0n’t kn0w h0w I g0t here, 0r why I am being threatened with impris0nment inside a cube. It l00ks like I d0n’t have much ch0ice in weather 0r n0t t0 g0 with y0u, d0 I?” G2 was still pissed at the comment towards his mother, but he knew a part of him would never forgive himself if he let a blind guy wander alone with no help.

“Fine. You can come with, but don’t get in my way, got it?” G2 growled at the least threatening member of this newly-formed gang.

“Thank y0u, 0 graci0us l0rd 0f edge.” Sollux replied, with enough sarcasm to spread on some bread and use to make a sandwich.

“Whatever.” G2 retorted. “Anyway, I know where we should go next. I have people I need to see.” The rest of the group seemed to silently agree, and then they were off, like a herd of gracious, ivory turtles with roller skates. They walked further down the street in silence, leaving their mess for someone else to deal with later, like the good samaritans they are.

It took them around thirty minutes to arrive at their destination. It was a fairly regular looking suburban house, if a bit tacky with some of the decoration choices. The boys approached the front door.

“so, WHERE are WE? this PLACE SEEMS…. odd.” Octrol said, looking at the army of garden gnomes in the front lawn.

“I can’t see shit, s0 I’m g0ing to ask the same questi0n.” Sollux also said, not looking at the garden gnome army, and probably better for it.

“They are my grandparents. I know it seems silly, but I just want to see how they are.” G2 said as he opened up the front door. Peering inside, he took off his shoes and walked into the living room. His grandparents were there, sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld. Sollux and Octrol soon followed.

“holy SHIT is that SANS from UNDERTALE.” Octrol exclaimed. Indeed, it was Sans from the video game Undertale and Nagito Komaeda from the video game Danganronpa on that couch.

“that’s my name, don’t wear it out.” Sans casually replied. “‘sup, kiddo? you bring some friends over to visit? i’d say the transportation of an entire city to an extra-dimensional space is an inopportune time, but now is as good as ever.”

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Said Komaeda, as he continued to vacantly stare at the funny men on TV doing funny things.

“Well, gramps, I was just here to see what was going on myself, but you seem to know anyway. How is that?” G2 inquired.

“it was on TV a few minutes ago. some crazy lady with clown makeup talking about society or something. she was one of those trolls, too. i think she might have been clowning around, though.” A laugh track and the Seinfeld theme erupted from the TV after he made that highly intelligent joke.

“Cl0wn makeup? S0me purple bl00d must be behind this, then…” Sollux said.

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Repeated Komeda, still staring blankly as Seinfeld did a silly on screen.

“Hey gramps? What’s up with Komaeda?” G2 inquired.

“oh, don’t worry about it kiddo. the author doesn’t know what a…” Sans looked as smudged writing on his finger bones as he spoke. “...Dagamagaropa is. he will be fine, kiddo.”

“h-hey, MR sans? i H-HAVE A question.” Octrol said sheepishly.

“sure. what is it, kiddo?” Sans said

“can I HAVE your AUTOGRAPH?” Octrol asked as he thrusted a piece of paper into Sans’s skeleton hands, his face flushed fuchsia with embarrassment.

“hehe, sure kiddo. this better not be a contract to sell my soul to satan or something.” Sans signed the piece of paper, and handed it back to the short troll.

“he’s SO COOL.” Octrol whispered under his breath. He will cherish this moment until the end of days.

Sans hopped off of the couch and gestured for G2 to follow him. G2 followed, while Octrol and Sollux were appreciating the art form that is Seinfeld. Sans led his grandson into his room, where he pulled an old dusty trunk from under his bed.

“kid, ever since you were born, i knew you would achieve great things. that is why i am giving this to you.” Sans opened up the trunk, revealing none other than a strife deck, already containing to strife specibus. “there are two specibi in here. one is a swordkind, and the other is flamekind, your own fiery breath.”

“Well… you see, I have a little problem with that last one…” G2 said.

“why?”

“Well, you see… I’ve never been able to breath fire, just smoke…”

“don’t worry, I can fix that for ya.”

“Really? But how-“ G2 was interrupted by a swift punch to the stomach, causing him to belch up a cloud of hot smoke and kneel over in pain. “W-What the fuck?! What was that for, asshole?!”

“jeez, no need to be so hot headed. i’m only sparking your potential.” Badum tsss.

G2 attempted to breath a small gout of flame, feeling the heat rise from his throat into the back of his mouth, where he released it, causing a small flame to flash out of his mouth, luckily not burning anything.

“Well… thanks for that, I guess. Do you at least have a sword?” G2 asked his grandfather, a little ticked off.

“hey kiddo, those are claymore than i can afford.” The short skeleton quipped. A laugh track from the TV played conveniently after the joke.

“Well, thanks. I’ll be sure to make good use of these.” G2 said as he picked up the strife deck. He then walked with sans out to the living room to meet with his companions. “Guys, we should get going now. We need to see what is going on out there.”

“Agreed. Wh0ever that purple bl00d is certainly isn’t using their p0wers for g00d.” Sollux stated. Octrol nodded in agreement. They all then began to leave, with G2 waving goodbye to his grandparents.

“Goodbye, grandpa and grandpa!” G2 said.

“catch ya later, alligator.” Sans replied.

“Hey it’s me Komaeda from Danganronpa.” Said Komaeda, staring at the television with dead eyes. What horrors has this man seen?

As the gang walked down the suburban streets, a question lingered in Sollux’s mind.

“Hey, G2, if y0ur grandfathers are a skelet0n and a human, h0w did Vriska and y0u end up as tr0lls?” He asked

“About my mom, I’m not sure. But here’s a little secret, I’m only half troll. My other half is dragon, and that’s why I can breathe fire and fly and be kickass.” G2 replied.

“But… h0w… h0w is that p0ssible? I’ve heard 0f tr0lls meeting their 0ffspring 0n earth c, but h0w can a drag0n and a tr0ll mate t0 create a half-tr0ll half-drag0n? That’s n0t h0w the M0ther Grub w0rks.” Sollux replied.

“Well, I’d rather not ask how my parents fucked, so that will remain a mystery.” G2 said.

“0k then. 0ctr0l, is there anything crazy and weird ab0ut you that y0u w0uld like t0 share?” Sollux sarcastically asked.

“you see, I AM a fuschia, BUT I AM a guy. i guess MALE fuschias can EXIST after all.” Octrol said.

“Y0u kn0w what? I’m g0ing to st0p asking.” Sollux huffed. “Where are we g0ing?”

“To the city. Whatever happened seemed to have started there, judging by the twisted towers. It’s a long ways away, though, so we will have to walk there.” G2 said. And with that, our gang of desperados desperate for declassification of these devious deeds, began the long journey to the sinister city. What awaits them in this concrete jungle? Action and drama awaits them in the next chapter of Homestuck 3!

Chapter Text

This trip was taking our gang of idiots a lot longer than they were thinking. They have been walking next to this highway for an hour, and not a single car could be spotted on the road for them to try to hitch a ride on. With dry throats and tired legs, they continued on, feeling like they were making no progress. Sollux was holding onto G2’s shoulder so he didn’t accidentally wander into a comically open hole in the ground.

“my FEET hurt.” Octrol complained out loud.

“Dude, shut the fuck up, that’s the third time in the past thirty minutes you have complained about them. Please, shut the fuck up until we get somewhere.” G2 groaned at the small fuschia.

And shut up the little troll did. Well, at least for the moment.

“hey, LOOK at THAT.” Octrol exclaimed, pointing at something in the distance. “it’s a VAN. one OF you can drive, RIGHT?”

“I’d drive, if I still had any eyes t0 see the r0ad with.” Sollux responded plainly, with a hint of sarcasm.

“Well, at least this time I won’t have anything obscuring the windshield. We’ll be fine.” G2 said in a concerningly confident manner.

“Please d0n’t get us killed, that w0uld thr0w a wrench in the w0rks.” Sollux replied.

The van they approached was a rickety thing, sorta rusty, faded paint, but not broken. They approached this antiquated machine, wondering if it still functioned. To their surprise, it was currently on. They cautiously approached it, looking for anybody around. They saw no one taking a piss break in a nearby bush, so they hopped in the car. G2 sat in the driver’s seat, Sollux sat shotgun, and Octrol, after some convincing, sat in the back seat behind G2, but not the very back, because he was too short to sit shotgun so Sollux got to sit there. Strangely enough, there were keys in the ignition, with a symbol of The Sufferer hanging on the keychain. G2 felt a bit nervous about this whole thing. Yea, this seemed like a good idea, but what if the car’s owner needed it because they were transporting their dying boyfriend or something?

“Hey guys? I don’t think this is a good—“ G2 was cut off by someone with a strange double headed trident, a 2x3dent if you will, coming from the far back seats to use the weapon to choke Octrol. A particularly meen looking troll with face fins and purple pointed glasses, who was soon accompanied by a spidery looking lady wearing blue.

“)(-EY CARJACK-ERS DO YOU WANT TO M-E-ET COD” The fishy lady said, pulling the bar of the 2x3dent harder against the small troll’s throat.

“HELP i am BEING CHOKED this is not HOT it HURTS.” Octrol managed to rasp out.

“That’s what you get for trying to steal our van, you filthy—“ The spidery troll stopped herself once she took a look at the two gentlemen in the front seat. “...Sollux?”

“Aranea? Meenah? Is that y0u tw0? Here 0f all places?” Sollux asked, angling his head in the direction of their voices.

“oh hey sollux, didnt realize it was you tryin to steal our van.” Meenah said, calming down and stopping her choking of Octrol. The small troll gasped for breath, almost looking like a fish out of water. “quit your flounderin, i didnt choke ya that hard, ya baby man.”

“And you, dragon 8oy, why do you have my horns, but also non-troll horns, as well as a 7 pupiled left eye?” Aranea inquired to the half-dragon half-troll freak of nature.

“Well, I think I should first ask why you look like my mom. Like, almost exactly.” G2 asked back to her.

“........Your mom wouldn’t happen to 8e Vriska Serket, would she?”

“She is. Are you a sister no one told me about?”

“Well, no. You see, she is my dancestor, and that means—“

“it means she is a clone of ya mom and also sort of ya genetic grandma but not really” Meenah interjected, intending to stop Aranea from going on for an hour about the ancestors.

“Oh. So, how do you guys know her?” G2 asked.

“It’s complicated.”
“its complicated” Both female trolls reply in unison.

“...I see. So… can we just, not kill each other now? We’re sorry we tried to steal your van, but we need to get to the city. Can we just… borrow it?” G2 asked.

“borrow it? nah, ya cant just squirm your way out of this one” Meenah reminded the gang of her ownership of her 2x3dent with a flourish, although it was hard to maneuver inside of a van

“What if we paid y0u?” Sollux asked, not even facing the commotion in the back.

“really? how much” Meenah liked this idea a lot more.

“You’re not really considering taking a 8ribe, are you?” Aranea asked

“Fifty bucks.” Sollux replied. Probably too much for how long they had to drive, but he was in a hurry and he had a feeling he wouldn’t be using his money too much anyway.

“sold. hey scale-suit, get out of the front seat” Meenah said, getting out of the back, and using the passenger door on the driver’s side to get out of the van intentionally crawling on Octrol to spite him.

“Fine, 8ut I get to sit shotgun.” Aranea said, not crawling over the fuschia feller in the passenger seat because she wasn’t a dick. Sollux and G2 got out, with Sollux getting to sit next to Octrol while G2 was confined to the far back.

“By the way, why were you two back here anyway?” G2 asked.

“We took a short nap. Well, it was supposed to be, but it probably wasn’t. Meenah makes me lose track of time, sometimes.” Aranea, averting her gaze temporarily to try and hide the fact she was blushing, before putting on her seatbelt, because seatbelts save lives.

“Please don’t tell me I’m sitting where these two fucked.” G2 thought to himself

“hey shorty, do ya need a booster seat or something?” Meenah joked at Octrol.

“im NOT a TWO YEAR OLD. i don’t need a BOOSTER seat.” Octrol huffed, putting on his seatbelt. Meenah chuckled to herself, and everyone put on their seatbelts. Meenah then began to drive the van, getting back onto the highway and towards the strange city looming in the distance. In the beginning of the ride, it was quiet, with all but Meenah idly staring out the window as they passed by the outskirts of the suburbs proper. Octrol, however, had a burning question on his mind.

“hey MEENAH. a-are YOU a FUSCHIA?” Octrol asked, a bit scared at the lady who had just tried to send him to the shadow realm.

“uh, yea i am. come to grovel at my feet or somefin” Meenah responded, giving more attention to the road than to the vertically challenged individual behind her.

“well, UHH, i dont know WHERE i was GOING with this. j-just DON’T kill me, OK?” Octrol stammered.

“im not gettin paid to kill ya, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.” Meenah said

“Ok, 8ut can you please stop threatening him? It’s not even funny anymore.” Aranea asked politely.

“nah” Meenah plainly responded. “but ill stop for now, if thats what ya want” She then leaned over to peck Aranea on the cheek, but distracted driving is dangerous. She swerved off the road, almost hitting a tree and a cardboard cutout of Bigfoot before she corrected her course back onto the highway.

“Please, save the affection for when you aren’t operating a vehicle.” Aranea said sarcastically. Meenah chuckled to herself, while our boys in the back were all startled by their near-miss with death. The rest of the car ride went by uneventfully, with near-death experiences being kept to a minimum. After around 30 minutes of watching as the trees and outskirt buildings went by, they arrived at the city proper. Meenah pulled up to the side of a video rental store.

“aight get out of my van and give me that money” Meenah declared to the passengers. Sollux dug for his wallet, and employed G2’s help in retrieving the fiddy dollahs and giving them to Meenah. She inspected the dollar, as if trying to figure out if it was fake, or she had never seen President Grant before. The boys got out of the van before Meenah got into a poking mood again. Aranea waved to them as they drove off in their van held together with duct tape and krazy glue. Octrol waved back at her, while G2 and Sollux walked in the opposite direction towards the city. Octrol followed soon after, trailing a bit behind his taller companions.

“So…….. how do you know those two?” G2 asked his blind buddy.

“Well, we were 0n a pirate ship l00king f0r a treasure to st0p a dem0n fr0m destr0ying shit. Well, f0r a little bit, at least. Y0ur m0m was als0 there and she made it weird s0 I left, al0ng with s0me 0thers.” Sollux said to someone he would never call his buddy.

“Damn, there really is a lot that bitch didn’t tell me about. All she really told me was that she was an alien or something. You don’t seem to like her very much.”

“Well, I think y0u w0uld hate her if she mind c0ntr0lled y0u and made y0u kill 0ne 0f y0ur best friends. And didn’t y0u just tell me t0 n0t insult her like an h0ur ago?”

“Just- shut up! Only I get to call her a bitch!” G2 huffed. “........Wait, mind control? She never said anything about mind control to me! That makes me wonder……..”

“Please d0n’t be getting any ideas.”

“Oh, I’m getting ideas. For later, though. For now, I need to find a sword.”

“0h great, let’s just m0sey 0n up to the sw0rd st0re and—“

“hey GUYS LOOK.” Octrol interrupted the conversation at hand and pointed to a storefront. “it’s the SWORD STORE.” Indeed, the store was a store that sold swords and swords accessories, called “Sal’s Store that Sells Swords”.

“Why d0 I even say anything anym0re.” Sollux sighed.

“That’s convenient. C’mon, let’s go in there and get something.” G2 said.

“I’m n0t buying y0u a sw0rd. That c0mes 0ut of y0ur p0cket.” Sollux replied. They entered the store, a small establishment, but it served it’s purpose. Lined on racks on the walls and on shelves in the middle of the store were many swords, from the real and practical to the extremely impractical. Like come on mmorpgs just because it’s high level doesn’t mean it has to look like a decorative paddle. At the cash register was an employee, who looked like his soul had been drained through his asshole and then forced to watch [INSERT RECENT CRAPPY MOVIE HERE FOR RELEVANCY].

“Hi, welcome to Sal’s Store that Sells Swords, where we have all of your chivalric needs.” The lifeless husk of an employee said in the kind of tone that makes you wonder if the person who said it actually thought about it or was simply speaking reflexively. G2 began to browse the various swords, until he came upon one that spoke to his very soul. The blade was labeled, “Bloodbite Darkedge”. It was a katana, with a black blade tinted slightly red, increasing in opacity as it got closer to the tip. His heart was set. G2 grabbed the surprisingly light sword and brought it up to the register.

“How much for this one?” G2 asked.

“Sorry dude, that’s just a display piece. We’re sold out of them.” The hollow behind the register said. G2’s little dragon heart was crushed. The disappointment of a million suns could be felt radiating from him. How could the world be so cruel? Dangling the perfect weapon in front of him, only to pull it away at the very last second.

“Oh.” G2 practically whispered, dejectedly returning the false sword back to it’s display and halfheartedly putting an arming sword on the counter. “How much for this one?”

“Two hundred dollars.” The drained man said. G2 slapped the money down on the table. The man inspected it. “That’s fifty dollars, three pennies and a crumpled up Hot Topic receipt.” G2 was about to return the sword when he got an idea

“This is enough money. You will let me buy the sword.” G2 said, focusing his mind on the practically dead cashier.

“This… is enough. You can buy the sword.” The cashier says, scanning it and then removing the thing that makes the alarms scream in pain when something is stolen. G2’s previous pain and agony was all but erased, he could do Jedi mind tricks! Maybe being half troll wasn’t a bad thing after all. However, the cashier wasn’t done talking. “Oh yea, the weird tv clown lady wants to speak to all of you, I think.” He said, loud enough for Sollux and Octrol to hear at the front of the store so they could stop sticking their fingers in their asses and get over here. They promptly walked over, and the cashier pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed the screen to them. On the screen, was a troll, wearing clown makeup and a purple suit. Not the kind of clown makeup that purples usually don, however. Instead, her face is painted up like the joker. The troll clears her throat.

“h3llo, p3sky h3ro3s! 1 s33 th4t you h4v3… d1spos3d of my sold13rs. th4t w4snt v3ry r4d1c4l of you to do! You s33, us g4m3rs h4v3 b33n oppr3ss3d for f4r too long. 1t 1s t1m3 w3 r1s3 up! you s33, 1 w4s m3r3ly round1ng up 4ll of th3 non-g4m3rs 4nd s3nd1ng th3m to work 4t f4ctor13s for th3 r3st of th31r l1v3s. 1f you go 4ny furth3r, 1 w1ll b3 forc3d to s3nd my strong3st hunt3r 4g41nst you. l4tul4, out.” Said the troll from the video.

“That’s neat and all, but h0w did she kn0w we were g0ing to g0 here?” Sollux asked.

“That damn video has been playing all day. The only other thing that plays on the TVs is Seinfeld. And when all you hear is bad jokes, laugh tracks, and clown rhetoric, you start to get a bit tired.” The employee behind the register said, with a little irritation in his voice. Sollux just nodded.

“Riiight. We’ll get g0ing then. Thanks.” Sollux said, motioning the two others to come with him like a chaperone herding two hyper kids on a field trip, even though G2 was probably going to lead him in a direction anyway. As they left the store, the man behind the counter spoke into a walkie talkie.

“They took the bait, and are headed towards East Street. Be ready.”

They walked down the streets of the city, towards the big twisting towers looming overhead. The most noticeable thing, even past the wacky structures was the sheer lack of people. It was almost dead silent, with nothing but the wind howling in between the buildings to keep them company. Even a Pokémon game has an npc or two to try to cover up the fact that the game world looks dead, but here it was just… eerie. However, their loneliness wouldn’t last long. As the group turned a left corner, they were met with a figure in the distance, around 0.00493737 nautical miles away. Their dark hoodie and dark pants and dark mask and dark darkness made it hard to distinguish much, but the longbow in their hand with an arrow nocked certainly made its presence known.

“So, you have betrayed our gamer ways, my intrepid squad of interlopers? Alas, more bluepilled npcs conform to society’s vile grasp. You almost make me sick!” The bow wielding fellow said, his voice indicating him as male. Unless they were a female or non-binary with a masculine voice, which is also ok.

“I have never heard such a vile 0r awful sentence then whatever just came 0ut 0f y0ur m0uth. Please d0 the w0rld a fav0r and be quiet.” Sollux plainly stated.

“Tut tut tut, you simply cannot handle your situation. You see, us gamers have been labeled “losers”, “dorks”, and “nerds” for far too long. The wheels of society seek to crush us, like an elephant stepping on a peanut. But, we have had enough. Enough of the name calling and oppression. We, as gamers, are obligated to freedom from the chads and stacys who step on our necks.” Replied the black-clad archer, no longer nocking the arrow, as to converse easier.

“Oh, but you are so wrong, yet so right at the same time.” G2 declared, trying to be intimidating by making his voice gruffer, but not succeeding. He pushed himself to the front of the group. “Society is vile and rotten to the core. People are evil and cruel, and only seek to further their own interests. But you go about it all wrong. I think that-“

“haha, i STOLE his WALLET.” Declared Octrol, who used the back-and-forth as a distraction to sneak up behind the archer guy and pick his pockets. Why he decided to announce it out loud is anyone’s guess, but that got the archer’s attention.

“You little shit!” The archer said, turning around quickly leaping back, nocking an arrow and aiming at the thief. G2 saw an opportunity, quickly grabbing Sollux by the arm and thrust him into an alleyway.

“Stay here, I don’t want you in my way.” G2 said, brandishing his newly acquired sword and running towards the combat.

“Aw, h0w sweet 0f y0u. Y0u even implied I am dead weight, h0w kind.” Sollux sighed.

The archer fired his arrow at Octrol, who tried to do a really cool dodge but just stumbled to the right, still somehow avoiding the arrow. Octrol then undid one of his many belts, which was actually wrapped around his body multiple times, so when he undid it, it was a lot longer than was initially observed.

“Ha! What are you going to do with that thing? Bro me to death?” The archer chuckled.

“this belt IS A very powerful BELT. it will LEAVE scars that WILL never HEAL, it WILL destroy YOU-“ Octrol was interrupted by an arrow being shot at his feet, causing him to jump backwards and yelp. In response, Octrol lashed his long belt at the archer like a whip, cutting through his shirt and drawing blood on the skin.

“MOTHERFUCKER- How does a belt hurt that much?!” The archer wasn’t given time to get an answer, as G2 charged him and recklessly swung his sword at him, forcing him to dodge away from the half-breed’s attack. G2 continued to swing wildly at the archer, like a grown man finding a stick on the ground and getting the urge to become a Jedi master for a second. He got a couple of hits on the archer, but only really getting surface wounds, there was some blood, but no real damage. Octrol would have tried to strike him, but there was too much of a risk of him hitting G2 by accident, so he stood by and waited for an opportunity to strike.

“Hey Hot Topic, was it a genetic experiment or a broken condom and that spawned you? Because there is no way your parents are taking care of you out of love by the way you look and act!” The archer said, trying to get an angry response out of his aggressor.

“SHUT UP!!!!!!!!” G2 yelled, swinging his sword with ferocity, but inaccuracy, and he left himself wide open between swings. The archer grabbed an arrow from his quiver, and instead of firing it from his bow, he ducked under one of G2’s reckless swings and stabbed him in the gut with the arrowhead. G2 grunted as the small object penetrated his skin, causing him to collapse onto his hands and knees, one of his hands covering the wound. The archer quickly drew a strange looking purple arrow and aimed at a fire escape on one of the buildings. Before he fired, however, Octrol seized his opportunity, and lashed his whip around the archer’s right arm, entangling it, but not impeding his firing ability. The archer loosed the projectile, hitting his mark. He was then swiftly teleported to where the arrow hit. However, Octrol’s belt was still wrapped around his arm, so he was taken along for the ride as well. His relative position made it so he was teleported in midair, and gravity is not currently having a seizure, so he fell. Luckily, his belt wasn’t long enough for him to hit the ground, but the force of him falling toppled the archer, causing him to spill a lot of his arrows off of the fire escape and onto the ground below. He then looked down at the troll, then to the belt wrapped around his hand, then back to the troll.

“uuuhhhh…. FORTUNE and GLORY?” Octrol said nervously, trying to salvage the situation. This situation was as salvaged as What Pumpkin’s attempt at making the Epilogues quality, and the archer unwrapped the belt from his arm, causing Octrol to take a nasty fall, hitting the concrete on his right side. He felt something snap in his arm when he landed, and an incredible pain.

Sollux could hear the commotion from the alleyway. He knew he couldn’t do much, but this was getting worrisome. Was it because he cared about them deep down all along? Of course not, he’s known them for an hour and, while they did save his life, he found them irritating to be around. He’s not a cliche yet, damnit! He walked out into the open and tried to pinpoint the location of the archer using his ears. However, someone staying still does not make a lot of noise, and bows are especially quiet. The archer looked down at the blind troll. Not wanting to deal with another combatant’s buffoonery, he grabbed what he liked to call the Insta-Kill arrow. It has a fancy, ornate golden arrowhead, and never broke when he used it. All times he used it, it led to a painful and slow death to the target. He aimed it directly at Sollux’s heart (no fuck you I’m not calling it a blood pusher), but he felt the arrow vibrate in his hand. Confused, he attempted to withdraw the arrow, but it flew out of his hand as if he had fired it! Seemingly with a mind of it’s own, the arrow embedded itself in Sollux’s chest, missing his heart but penetrating him through his back. Wracked by the sudden pain, Sollux collapsed backwards, seemingly limp and lifeless.

G2, still dealing with the burning pain in his gut, he looked over to where Sollux’s body was. His eyes widened as he saw his companion on the ground, an arrow in his chest. G2 gritted his teeth, struggling to hold back tears from his wound and his companion’s apparent death. He stood up, the arrow still in his gut as his cerulean blood leaked from the wound. He then began to walk towards the archer. What an idiot he was! If only he hadn’t gotten so angry, if only he had tried to use his fiery breath. But that’s in the past now.”

“You bastard, you’re going to pay for this!” G2 snarled through gritted fangs.

“Jeez Louise, you’ve known him for like an hour dude, how are you this worked up about it? It’s not like- wait, what’s that?” The archer interrupted himself, as something involving Sollux’s body caught his attention. G2 was confused. How did this random ass dude know about what they were doing earlier that day? Either way, he looked as well, and was bewildered at what he saw.

Sollux, somehow, still lived. He began to try to prop himself up, when he realized something. He could see. For the first time in a long time, he could see. He didn’t know how to react at first, but then he made another discovery. He wasn’t seeing through his own eyes. He could see himself right in front of where he was, and while he could still control himself, he could also control this other body he was seeing through as well as he could control his own. To the others, it looked like Sollux was getting up, but there was a strange figure floating next to him. A muscular humanoid, with seemingly metallic gold skin. It’s head was, well, head shaped, but instead of any face, it had some sort of display screen, displaying two ovals, one red and one blue. It’s joints, including the neck, seemed to be made from exposed wires, as if it’s golden exterior was just armor it wore, and the wiry mass beneath was it’s true form.

Sollux didn’t have any time to think about his situation, as he suddenly had a vision. In one eye, he saw himself, an arrow piercing his head, and his spectral guardian dissipating into dust. In his other eye, he saw the archer falling backwards, with an arrow through his chest. Any time for rumination was cut short, as the sound of an arrow whistling through the air caused him to snap back to reality. Almost as if it was instinct, he has his guardian snatch the arrow out of the air, and hurl it back towards it’s sender. The arrow pierced the archer’s chest, the force of the arrow throwing him back. Sollux then had an idea. He ran up to the side of the fire escape, then had his guardian grab him and throw him into the air, propelling him to the very top in a short amount of time. The guardian followed closely, as they both towered over the archer, who was currently nursing his wound.

“Y0u kn0w, y0u d0n’t l00k as t0ugh as y0u s0und. They say n0t t0 judge a b00k by it’s c0ver, but y0u have “pathetic” written all over you.” Sollux said.

“You imbecile! You are furthering the agenda of our society! Do you realize that-“

“I’m tired 0f listening t0 y0u speak.” Sollux interrupted the archer. His guardian quickly uppercut the archer, sending him into the air. Flying up to meet him, Sollux’s guardian began rapidly punching him, over and over again at a blistering speed. He hit with the ferocity of a machine gun. With one final haymaker to the face, the archer was sent crashing into the window of the nearby building. “If that d0esn’t kill him, his h0spital bills will.”

G2 watched the whole thing, barely believing what he saw. Sollux, a blind dude, suddenly beat the absolute shit out of the archer. That arrow, that must be what triggered his power. Our gemini boy had his ethereal guardian pick him up and leap off of the fire escape, landing safely and destroying the sidewalk that someone worked very hard to lay down. Bastard. The guardian carried him over to his companions. Despite his activeness, Sollux was still losing a lot of blood.

“Y0u 0k? That w0und l00ks pretty nasty.” Sollux said to the dude bleeding out on the ground.

“Shit, I feel fan-fucking-tastic. Losing blood really clears your head.” G2 sarcastically said.

“Either way, we need t0 get t0 a h0spital. I’d hate t0 die 0n the sidewalk like a punk.” Sollux replied. Octrol got up off of the ground, holding his limp right arm and walking towards his companions.

“yeah, BUT how are WE going TO get there IN TIME before someone BLEEDS OUT?” Octrol said.

“I don’t think we can.” G2 groaned, still clutching his side. “It’s not as if an ambulance will suddenly-“ An ambulance suddenly arrived, and a particularly cool dude with cool pointed sunglasses hopped out of the ambulance.

“Don’t worry, bros. Doctor Dirk Strider is here to save your asses with the power of plot contrivance.” Dirk said. You see, it’s meta humor, therefore it’s ok! Why aren’t you laughing at the funny meta humor? I demand you chortle right this instant.

“praise THE gods for THIS deus EX MACHINA!” Octrol says. What do you mean self aware humor doesn’t excuse shitty writing? A-Anyway, Dirk gets out some gurneys from the back of the ambulance, using them as impromptu skateboards to get over to his patients as radically as possible. He hoisted Sollux and G2 up onto the gurneys, with Sollux’s guardian disappearing, before turning to Octrol.

“Are you actively dying or just passively dying.” He asked.

“nah, I JUST broke MY arm.” Octrol replied.

“Good. Get in the front.”

“kickASS.” After Dirk manages to jam two gurneys into a single ambulance, he and Octrol hop in the front of the van. They both put their seatbelts on, because safety first and always. Then Dirk slams his foot on the gas while turning on the ambulance’s wailing alarm. He drives like he is playing GTA, and probably would have killed like eight pedestrians by now if there were any. But his quest to save these poor dying souls was absolute! Plus, it would look totally awesome in the movie adaptation. They were nearing the hospital, when Dirk noticed a wicked cool looking ramp. And by ramp it was two wooden planks set up against the perimeter wall. Oh hell yea he was going to do it. He drove full speed ahead towards the ramp, and before anyone could protest, the ambulance was already in the air. This is the part in the movie adaptation where it’s a slow-mo and that one classical music piece I can’t remember plays, while the camera focuses on all of the character’s faces in slow motion while they all speak slowly or some shit. Homestuck 3: The Movie, coming out when I wrangle the rights to Homestuck. This graceful glide through the air, in reality, was very fast, and they soon found themselves crashing through the wall of the hospital, directly into a hallway. Everyone, except Dirk it seems, were in shock from having a car ride more rough than… a rough car ride.

“Alright, it’s time to do some doctor’s work. Let’s get you two out of the back.” Dirk stated, like a cool person would. He then quickly pulled the two gurneys from the back after doing some sick ninja moves to get there, then rode them down the hall of the hospital, like a totally radical dude riding two skateboards at once would, while Octrol ran behind as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. Dirk then made a swift turn into the operating room, launching Sollux and G2’s gurneys into place perfectly with a jump-backflip combo. Octrol soon followed in, completely winded.

“I’m gonna go wash my hands now. I’m a doctor, not a mortician.” Dirk said. He got no response from Sollux and G2, who were laying perfectly still, petrified and lifeless looking. Octrol took a closer look at them.

“hey doctor STRIDER, I THINK they’re DEAD.” Octrol said, poking G2 in the side of his face.

“Nonsense.” Dirk replied, washing his hands. “They are probably in shock from the ambulance ride. It was intense, but it probably saved their lives.” He popped off his head and washed that under the water as well, then put it back in its place. Sanitation is key, my dudes. The coolest doctor around them walked over to his two main patients, and inspected them further.

“Oh shit they are dead.” Dirk stated, holding open G2’s eye and shining a light on it. He thought for a moment, before getting a brilliant idea. He quickly grabbed the defibrillator and turned it on, rubbing the two shocks thingies together. “This should work. These things are basically magic” He slammed both halves on his two patient’s chests, and they suddenly came back to life, even though defibrillators aren’t magic revive machines. G2 came back looking mortified, while Sollux seemed indifferent.

“H-Holy shit, did I die? It fucking hurt!” G2 complained.

“Y0u get used t0 it.” Sollux plainly stated.

“Welcome back to the land of the living. Now I can get to work.” Dirk said.

“wait, DOCTOR strider, what ABOUT MY arm?” Octrol said, still nursing the broken limb. Dirk thought for a moment, before pulling out some masking tape and wrapping it around the broken arm.

“It’ll be fine. Now, onto more serious issues…” Dirk grabbed a handful of medical equipment and approached his two injured subjects.

“Are y0u even a licensed medical pr0fessi0nal?” Sollux asked.

“A license doesn’t mean I can’t fix your stab wounds. It’s basic stuff.” Dirk replied.

“Shouldn’t you put us on anesthetic or something?” G2 asked worriedly.

“You won’t need it. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” Dirk said. He actually did not know how to apply anesthetic, but pretended like he did.

Roughly an hour of pain and screaming later, the gang found themselves in the hospital’s waiting room. Somehow Dirk didn’t kill them, and they somehow felt better.

“........So, we haven’t had much time to process what the fuck happened in that fight with captain asshat. So please, Sollux, where is that robot thing that beat the shit out of him?” G2 asked. As soon as he said that, the guardian reappeared next to Sollux.

“I can make it appear and disappear whenever I want t0, but I still don’t fully understand it. I think I can c0ntr0l it’s acti0ns.” Sollux said. He had his guardian try to go over to grab a coffee cup on the receptionist’s counter, but the guardian became more and more transparent after travelling 10 feet away, before finally disappearing fully before ever getting to the cup. Sollux then made it reappear next to him. “I can see thr0ugh it’s eyes, which helps, but it seems to have a very sh0rt range of where it can go. But in 0ur fight with the archer, I had a visi0n. S0me s0rt 0f prec0gniti0n that saved my life.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“N0. I d0n’t even kn0w what it is called.”

“what ABOUT a STAND, since it STANDS next to you?” Octrol suggested.

“Sure, but what about an actual name? You know, something cool to say when you summon it?” G2 said.

“I’m calling it D0uble Time.” Sollux said. As they conversed, Dirk stopped by to check on them.

“Is everyone recovering well?” Dirk asked. However, Sollux had different things to ask.

“Dirk. What can y0u remember leading up t0 the events of you taking us here?” Sollux asked.

“You see, it was Dave Strider’s birthday. We were pals, so he invited me over. Naturally, I came, because I enjoyed his company and wanted to see how he and Karkat were doing. I was one of the first to get there, only beaten by Kanaya, who insisted on decorating.” Dirk explained.

“Kanaya…….. I’ve heard that name before……..” G2 mumbled to himself.

“Soon, others arrived, including John, Rose, Roxy, Jade, and Terezi. We were about to open up his gifts when Bitchska made a surprise appearance after acting like she hadn’t dropped off the face of the earth for eighteen years. She also seems to have somehow gotten married to this dragon guy, who she brought along. Her presence made the gift opening a little awkward, but we continued. We then reached this one gift, which came out of nowhere. Dave opened it, and it turned out to be some sort of weird gadget. It then detonated, and the next thing you know I was in an ambulance with an urge to take the next person I see to the hospital. And now I have a question for you.” Dirk explained, turning to G2. “Are Vriska and that dragon man your parents?”

“Take a look at my horns, dumbass.” G2 dismissively replied.

“I feel so sorry for you. I knew Vriska personally, and the last time she tried making someone stronger, he kinda fucking died. I can’t imagine what she would do to you.” Dirk said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “If she ever tried to hurt you in any way, please—“

“SHE’S NOT ABUSIVE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!” G2 swiped away Dirk’s hand from his shoulder. He was pissed, but when he realized that everyone was staring at him weird, he realized he had overreacted. He sighed. “Sorry. No, my mom is not abusive or has ever tried to harm me intentionally. You would be a bit frustrated if everyone’s first reaction to you is calling your mom a bad person.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit a nerve like that. But given everything I have seen from her, I do find that hard to believe.” Dirk said. “But anyway, you mentioned knowing Kanaya earlier. How do you know her?”

“Well, that’s the thing, I only recognize her name, I think my mom mentioned her a few times. She didn’t tell me much at all about her past, so hearing all of this stuff is… strange.” G2 replied.

“That sucks, maybe she’ll tell you if you see her. I also feel like we are going to see each other again, so I wanted to ask. Do you forgive me for what I said earlier?” Dirk asked, holding out his fist for an ultimate Dirk fistbump of radtastic radicalness.

“Sure.” G2 said, initiating the ultimate Dirk fistbump of radtastic radicalness. It was sort of anticlimactic. “We should probably get going, things to do and all.”

“I understand. Hopefully the next time we meet you won’t be bleeding on the ground.” Dirk said, running away and attempting to use a gurney as a skateboard again, but it flew out from under his legs and he fell on his back. At least he would have, but he is too cool for that, and did a backflip to land on his feet. The Gang™ then got up, like a group of noble samurai on a quest to do samurai things. Their mission clear, they left the building, and continued their journey to the tower…

Meanwhile, in Latula’s secret gamer base…

Latula was sitting upon her gamer throne in her gamer throne room. It was a grand and lofty room, with rad shit like game posters and skateboards on the walls. From the double doors on the other side of the room, a man was wheeled in on a wheelchair, in a full body cast that only showed his eyes.

“4rch3r.” Latula stated coldly, her face masked in shadow, only her red glasses shining through the darkness, like a predator stalking its prey, and her hands folded. “You f41l3d to d34l w1th th3 m3ddl1ng 1nt3rlop3rs. How could you f41l such 4 s1mpl3 t4sk?”

“Well, I was gonna get them, but then that damn troll with the eye patches pulled a stand out of his ass and broke every bone in my damn body!” The archer said, his voice raspy.

“V3ry w3ll. 1 w1ll g1v3 you 4noth3r ch4nc3. M3d1c, r3construct h1s sk3l3ton us1ng cyb3rn3t1cs. 4nd som3on3 g3t M1tun4 for m3?” Latula asked. The medics obeyed without question, wheeling the accidental tavros kinnie away. A few minutes later, ya boy Mituna busted through the door.

“Y0 B4B3, WH47 7H3 FUCK 15 UP!” He shouted across the room.

“Tun4!” Latula exclaimed, hopping from her chair and racing across the room to give him a running hug. “How’s th3 world’s b3st m4t3spr1t do1ng?”

“F4N-FUCK1N9 74571C!” Mituna said, reciprocating the hug. “WHY D1D Y0U G37 M3, 7UL1P?”

“Do you w4nn4 d0 s0m3th1ng c00l?”

“FUCK Y34H.”

“W3ll, th3r3 4r3 som3 p3sky 1nt3rlop3rs try1ng to stop us! C4n you h3lp m3 out?”

“MMMMM, 1 D0N’7 KN0W, 7UL1P. 1 K1ND4 L1K3 B31NG H3R3.”

“You g3t to r1d3 4 g14nt robot!” Mituna gasped at the statement, quickly going back out the doors he came. Latula giggled at his enthusiasm, but peeked her head out from the heavy doors to redirect Mituna to the correct location. She then went back to her gamer throne, and resumed her ゴゴゴゴ menacing ゴゴゴゴ sitting…

===To Be Continued…===>

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: Mituna Gear Solid 3: Drake Eater

Our plucky gang of adventurers are currently walking down the still empty streets. Like seriously these streets are as empty as a… thing that is empty.

“hey, IS anyone else KINDA hungry?” Octrol asked.

“I c0uld kill f0r s0me grub right n0w.” Sollux said. G2 remained characteristically silent on the matter. “Hey, Mr. ‘I walk the line between the darkness and the light’, y0u hungry?”

“Yea sure, I guess. I don’t really care where though,” G2 remarked plainly.

“hey LOOK, it’s a TACO BELL,” Octrol said, pointing to a very conveniently placed Taco Bell.

“Was that even there bef0re? Please d0n’t tell me y0u have the ability t0 summ0n Tac0 Bells wherever y0u want,” Sollux said.

“i WISH,” He replied. The group approached the Taco Bell, the most respectable establishment for American food pretending to be Mexican food. Yet again, there didn’t seem to be anyone around. Octrol split off from the main group and went by some bushes.

“i gotta PISS something FIERCE, go AHEAD before me,” Octrol said, as the unzipping of pants could be heard. The other two nodded, and entered the establishment. It was a fairly standard Taco Bell, but like everything else in the city, it was completely empty, except behind the counter was a particular green skeleton fellow behind the counter.

“WELCOME TO TACO BELL. YOu WANT A FuCKING BURITTO?” The peculiar cherub said.

“Wait, is that… actually, I sh0uld n0t be surprised. If I 000h and ah every time we meet s0me0ne I know it’s g0nna get really fucking repetitive really fast. Hell0 Calib0rn,” Sollux said.

“LITERALLY WHO ARE YOu,” Caliborn replied.

“S0llux Capt0r? The yell0w eyepatch dude y0u f0ught when y0u tried t0 destr0y the dream bubbles?” Sollux replied. Caliborn thought to himself for a moment.

“...OH YEA. THAT GuY. THERE WERE A LOT OF GuYS THERE SO IT'S KIND OF HARD TO TELL WHO IS WHO WHEN YOu ARE BLASTING LASERS AT MILLIONS OF DuDES,” Caliborn replied.

“You two sound sound like crackheads,” G2 interrupted. “Can we order now or are we going to keep talking about how you sucked each other off in the eighth dimension?”

“I THINK YOu NEED TO LEARN TO RESPECT CuSTOMER SERVICE WORKERS OR THEY WILL POISON YOuR FOOD AND MAKE YOu PuKE AND DIE,” Caliborn angrily responded, shooting a death glare at G2.

“Did you just threaten to poison me?” G2 responded.

“MAYBE. DO YOu WANT THE FOOD OR NOT?” Caliborn said, looking like he wanted to slap this unruly customer across the face.

“Yea can I get a fuckin uuuuhhhh……..,” G2 does that thing where he doesn’t look at the menu but starts to order anyway. Admit it, you’ve done it too. Staring at the menu like a slack-jawed Neanderthal trying to comprehend complex mathematics its brain simply was not made for. Dumbass. “Uuuuhhhh…….. Burger?”

“WE DISCONTINUED THE BUGERRITO LAST YEAR,” The cherub said, a smile crawling across his skeletal visage.

“What do you mean you don’t have the burgerrito? It’s on the fucking menu behind you. Are you actually stupid or are you trying to get some sick satisfaction out of denying a young man his horrible hybrid food?” G2 exclaimed, slamming his fist down on the counter in an attempt to be intimidating.

“I THINK YOu IDENTIFY WITH THIS uNNATURAL HYBRID ABOMINATION TOO MuCH, WEIRD TROLL-GON THING,” Caliborn shot back.

“You motherfuck-“ Sollux grabbed G2 by his left back horn to prevent G2 from attacking the customer service worker.

“G0g damn it, it’s just a fucking menu item. He’s just trying to get int0 y0ur head. Here, I’ll just d0 it f0r y0u,” Sollux pushed G2 out of the way. “Hey, can I get tw0 bean burrit0s?”

“DO YOU HAVE THE FuCKING CURRENCY,” Caliborn asked.

“Shit, 0ctr0l has it, let me just-“ Sollux was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot ripping through the air. Outside, Octrol had finished pissing on a bush and was about to make his way back, but a bullet decided to enter his chest, knocking him backwards. Sollux quickly summoned his stand and whipped around to face Caliborn, who was now standing on top of a stool and taking off the Taco Bell employee hat and brandishing his rifle.

“FOOLISH DISRESPECTORS OF THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. FOR THE LAST TIME YOu WILL HARASS SuCH A MAJESTIC CREATuRE AS I-“ Caliborn was interrupted by a swift punch to the face made by Double Time, sending the cherub flying into the kitchen. G2 fell over due to the sudden punch of the stand getting a little too close to his face for his comfort, but he started to get up. He looked outside at Octrol’s corpse in the middle of a Taco Bell parking lot. He really hoped he was ok, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

Sollux and G2 entered the kitchen. The cherub was nowhere to be seen, despite the mess he made upon entry. G2 was holding his sword backwards, blade pointed down and pommel pointed up, not very practical, but he thought he looked cool. They scanned the room for any signs of their aggressor, but nothing obvious could be seen. Sollux, the only competent one in this group of morons, remained vigilant, while G2 wasn't paying enough attention to realize the gun barrel pointed at his back. Sollux’s vision was blinded once again, the two possible outcomes showing before him. In one, G2 gets turned into swiss cheese, and in the other one, he is pushed out of the way, but Double time takes the brunt of the damage. He already knew what he was going to do.

Double Time quickly turned to G2 and shoved him out of the way of the incoming gunfire, knocking G2 to the ground. The bullets instead hit the stand, and while Double Time was a sturdy stand, the bullets still left deep wounds. When Double Time was injured on its body, the same wounds appeared on Sollux’s. And while the stand took the brunt of the damage, being shot hurts as much as being bitten by a bullet ant, who’s bite hurts as much as a bullet wound. Sollux staggered onto his knees, trying to cover up some of his wounds from leaking all of his golden blood on the floor. G2 watched in shock at all of this, but quickly came back to his senses. He crawled over one of the counters, and lunged at Caliborn, slashing his sword at him in the most impractical way possible. Being a middle class suburban kid doesn’t net you many fighting skills, unfortunately. Suffice to say, Caliborn was unharmed and unamused.

“WELL WELL WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE GIANT OCEAN WAVES HAVE MOVED AWAY. AND BY THAT I MEAN FROM YOu TO ME. I AM THE TIDE MASTER,” Caliborn said, firing on poor Sollux again. While he was more prepared this time, with Double Time deflecting some of the bullets with it’s fists, he was still heavily wounded, G2 tried to slash at Caliborn again, but…

BONK

Caliborn smacks G2 on the head with a frying pan. G2 falls to the floor, little dragons circling his head.

“IT SEEMS THAT THE SuCCESS BELONGS TO ME NOW,” Caliborn said, walking out of the kitchen and into the dining area. He looked outside at where Octrol’s corpse was. Well, it was. His body is gone. Just a puddle of fuchsia colored blood. Caliborn scratched his head. There was no way he should have survived that! He was about to go outside and investigate further when an incredibly bright light blinked into existence behind him. He looked behind himself, shielding his eyes with his hand.

Behind him was all 3’ 3” of Octrol Molskk, shining bright like a spotlight, except even less fun to stare directly into. In addition, he seemed to be supporting two long fangs protruding from his mouth. In his right hand was one of his belts. Octrol looks pissed.

“WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! FuCHSIAS CAN'T BECOME RAINBOW DRINKERS! MY HORRID SISTER TOLD ME THIS WHEN I PAID ATTENTION ACCIDENTALLY ONCE!” Caliborn said.

“good THING i’m NOT the AVERAGE fuchsia, then,” Octrol cooly responded. This is the part where his theme song plays. Just imagine it in your head for a moment. What a cool theme. Before Caliborn could retort, Octrol used his belt like a whip to snatch the gun out of Caliborn’s hand. Caliborn tried to abscond, however, this wasn’t a strife he could abscond from. Octrol used the belt to wrap up Caliborn’s right arm, and yanked him close with surprising strength. He then punched him in the face when he got close, knocking Caliborn on his back. Octrol was about to go eight types of apeshit on Caliborn when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Dirk was there, having teleported behind him.

“Woah there little man, let’s stop this for now and get your friends patched up,” Dirk said.

“dirk?” The lighthouse of a troll asked him. Dirk was lucky he had sunglasses on, otherwise he would be like the third blind character to appear in this fic. “how DID you get BEHIND ME?”

“Nothing personnel kiddo,” Dirk replied. “You guys suck at strifing. No offense to you Cal, but you guys should be high enough on the echeladder to beat him by now.”

“oh YEA, that. i forgot ABOUT that,” Octrol replied. Sollux crawled out from the kitchen, still bleeding because Doctor Dirk is out here talking to an octopus man instead of doing his job.

“I have-“ Sollux coughs up some blood “-several questi0ns.” The gold blood collapses.

“Well damn. I’ll patch him up. Also, here is some help with your brightness problem.” Dirk grabs Octrol’s horn and stifts it down then up, turning off his brightness like a light switch. He then rushed over to Sollux, and promptly began emergency surgery.

One ethically dubious operation and pouring of cold water onto dragon face later, Sollux was good as new and G2 was awake. And now he could interrogate Dirk like he should have at the hospital.

“First 0ff, where are your g0d tier clothes?” Sollux asks.

“I’d like to know that too, but I can’t tell you. The only way my clothes come off is sexily anyway, and I’d remember sexily removing my god tier outfit,” Dirk responded, not sexily.

“And sec0nd, what the fuck do you mean there is an echeladder? That’s fr0m Sgrub, and I kn0w we are n0t in Sgrub. And thirdly, h0w the fuck d0es 0ctr0l kn0w what it is?!” Sollux asked, sounding kinda done with all of this bullshit in general.

“w-well, FUNNY you should MENTION that…” Octrol twiddled his fingers nervously.

“Dude just press the A button. That will bring up the menu,” Dirk said, as if the answer had been obvious all along. It clicked with G2 immediately, and he brought up the menu. He saw a few tabs, such as the Echeladder, Mini-Alcher, and the Grist tab. It looked like he was on the third rung, PUGNACIOUS PROTAGONIST. Whatever that means. Sollux and Octrol follow suit soon after.

“WOW, YOU GuYS DIDN’T KNOW THAT EXISTED uNTIL NOW? DID YOu MORONS SKIP THE TUTORIAL?” Caliborn said.

“What tutorial?” G2 inquired.

“YOu DON’T GET THE ANSWER NOW BECAuSE YOU WERE MEAN TO ME EARLIER. THAT IS ALL I WILL SAY ON THE MATTER,” Caliborn indignantly responded.

“Whatever. So, is this like that Sgrub shit you just mentioned?” G2 asked.

“Yea it was. What the hell is Latula up t0…” Sollux replied.

“Yo Octrol.” G2 said. “What’s up with your glow and your fangs?”

“i’m A fucking RAINBOW DRINKER now, BITCH,” Octrol proudly replied.

“I’m n0t g0ing t0 b0ther questi0ning it anym0re. Next thing y0u kn0w he is g0ing to devel0p psychic p0wers,” Sollux exasperatingly said.

“What the fuck is a rainbow drinker?” G2 said.

“its LIKE a vampire BUT for TROLLS,” Octrol said.

“Why don’t I get to be the one that gets to be the cool, brooding and sexy vampire?” G2 complained.

“Did you just imply you think Octrol is sexy?” Dirk interjected.

“Wh-What? No! J-Just shut up! I-It’s n-not l-like I like y-y-you or a-anything, baka!” G2 snarled back. Sollux, Caliborn and Octrol were all snickering at this situation. “L-Let’s just g-get the damn b-burritos and get out of here!”

As the gang left the kitchen after looting it’s bean burritos, a couple of bullets flew past G2’s head, nearly grazing his ear. Caliborn was sitting on the floor holding his smoking rifle, looking a little… scared?

“What the hell was that for, man? I have no idea why you are attacking people at a fucking Taco Bell of all places, but seriously, stop shooting everything that fucking moves!” G2 spat.

“Yo Cal, is something up?” Dirk was sitting at a table prior to this, but he got up and crouched down beside him.

“I WASN’T AIMING FOR YOu, YOu FuCKING IMBACILE! DO YOu NOT SEE THAT THING BEHIND YOu?” Caliborn said. G2 looked behind himself and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“Ok Cal, I think it’s time we get you somewhere calmer. Do you need anything?” Dirk asked.

“jeez, YOU two should JUST KISS already,” Octrol interjected.

“THIS ISN'T HOUSE OF DIRK YOU VACuOUS DuMBASS,” Cal spat. However, Dirk swept the cherub off of his feet as he stood up.

“Oh, but I think it is. At least for this moment,” Dirk said before they both started gay making out. The gang quickly left after that, just wanting to consume their burritos in peace. And so they did ultimately get their damn burritos, and it only cost them a few gunshot wounds and a little bit of dignity. Oh, and they also used the archer guy’s credit card to pay for it. Sucker.

————————————————

The group were practically at the foot of the tower now, having finished their food a while ago, and Sollux had debriefed G2 and Octrol on the basics of Sgrub.

“So wait, let me get this straight.” G2 said. “Sgrub was basically Sword Art Online except real and you make a new universe?”

“Y0u kn0w, that isn’t that bad 0f a c0mparis0n, but if y0u ever c0mpare a game that killed many 0f my friends t0 a shitty human anime ever again I will slap y0u,” Sollux replied.

“So I’m assuming this mini-alcher thing...” G2 opens up that menu again, displaying the tab for said mini-alcher. “...Works like that alchemiter thing?”

“I d0n’t kn0w. Let’s thr0w s0me rand0m crap int0 it and see what happens,” Sollux said, plonking down a locked capitalouge card and beginning to hack it with the assistance of his stand.

“...Whaaaaaaaat the hell is that?” G2 asked.

“It’s my fetch m0dus. It bel0nged to a friend wh0 c0uldnt code for shit s0 he gave it t0 me,” Sollux replied.

“That sounds inconvenient. Why don’t more people just choose Array Modus? I’d rather not play a fucking minigame every time I need to grab something,” G2 replied.

“but it’s MORE fun THAT way!” Octrol said, activating his fetch modus. Three capitalouge cards with question marks in place of the item they contained appeared in front of him. “lootbox MODUS! the ultimate GAME of CHANCE. watch!” The cards flipped over and faced the sky dramatically, releasing the item inside. The first was a 1990s McDonalds Kid’s Meal toy, the second was a bottle of ketchup, and the third was… oh no.

That’s a bucket.

Octrol quickly punted the lewd object like a football player taking steroids (aka all of them until they were banned). It went flying and landed on top of a building.

“0ctrol.” Sollux said sternly. “Why was there a bucket in y0ur sylladex?”

“i-i…. UUUHHHHH…” Octrol stammered.

“Pfft, dude, there is no way you were using that thing with someone else. I just know it,” G2 joked.

“fuck YOU i get TEN TIMES more action THAN YOU DO.”

“Ten times zero equals zero. But enough of this bucket drama, I want to make some shit,” G2 had an idea in his mind. He belched some fire and quickly capitalouged it successfully. He then put it and his sword into the mini-alcher, and got what appeared to be a sword made out of fire. Excited to wield a sword made out of fucking fire, he immediatly allocated it to his strife specibus without first examining it. He looked over at his companions, Octrol having created a GNARLY 90S BELT, which looks like one of his regular belts but with that 90s crayon looking design on it. Sollux was drinking a soda he had gotten from his sylladex.

“Ok then... as the undisputed leader by rule of might, I suggest that we next-“ At that moment, G2’s characteristic sass was interrupted by something strange. A vibration in his pocket, indicating a message on his phone. He pulled out the device from his pocket and sure enough, he had a Pesterchum notification, yet when he looked at the upper left corner of his phone’s screen, he has no wi-fi or cellular reception.

“what IS it? did your GIRLFRIEND message you?” Octrol mockingly remarked.

“Shut up and go lick that pail you used solo,” G2 said, opening his Pesterchum application. Sure enough, it was a message from a long-time online friend of his, laxidazicalZiggurats. He was always a bit strange and cryptic, but he was fine enough to talk to.

—laxidazicalZuggurats [LZ] began pestering eternitysGrave [EG] at ?:?? ?M—

LZ: Finally.
LZ: I’ve been trying to get a message through to you for hours.
EG: LZ
EG: I literally have no connection to the internet rn
EG: How in the fucking fuck are you messaging me
LZ: Your versatile use of that word is so fascinating.
LZ: I think you are a lot smarter than you let on.
EG: Yea whatever
EG: Just dodge the huge question, I don’t care
LZ: There are much more important things to be discussed.
LZ: Tell me.
LZ: Do you remember when we first met five years ago?
EG: Yea
EG: You called me special
EG: Nowadays I wonder if you meant something less than wholesome
LZ: I didn't mean it that way.
LZ: To keep things short, I have been through a situation similar to what you are experiencing right now.
LZ: I’m looking to help you succeed where I failed.
EG: That sounds like a load of horseshit but ok
EG: So tell me, what prophecy am I supposed to fulfill and what harem am I supposed to form?
LZ: I unfortunately cannot tell you much, someone is restricting what I can send to you.
EG: Latula?
LZ: HSIAJDISKDNSHIAJDBDKSBSKALSB
LZ: SIDNEIDIJSOANDBIFHDJSIDBDHSIK
LZ: Fuck.
EG: That stopped being funny after the eighth time
LZ: It’s not a joke.
LZ: I can’t tell you much about that.
LZ: But here is my advice for now.
LZ: Not everything is as it seems.
LZ: Do not trust Octrol.
LZ: Do not trust Sollux.
LZ: Do not trust any of the allies you meet.
EG: Bullshit
EG: You’re just jealous that I have friends
EG: And am drowning in pussy
LZ: Your immaturity is incredibly irritating.
LZ: One last thing.
LZ: Internet connection does not matter.
LZ: Pesterchum still works.
LZ: That is all.
EG: Hold on

—laxidasicalZiggurats [LZ] ceased pestering eternitysGrave [EG] at ?:?? ?M—

Bastard. He left before he could ask his question. He has always been this weird and cryptic, so G2 just shrugs and decides to check on his parents. Not because he loves them or anything. Totally not.

—eternitysGrave [EG] began messaging arachnidGrips [AG] at ?:?? ?M—

EG: Hey
EG: Hey
EG:
EG: Bitch answer me
EG:
EG:
EG: Damnit

—eternitysGrave [EG] ceased pestering arachnidGrips [AG] at ?:?? ?M—

No answer from Vriska. She usually messages G2 back as promptly as she can. He decides to check on his dad next. Maybe he will pick up his phone.

—eternitysGrave [EG] began pestering entropicAnarchy [EA] at ?:?? ?M—

EG: Pick up your damn phone old man
EG:
EG:
EG: Not this shit again
EG: Motherfucker
EG: Answer me
EG:

—eternitysGrave [EG] ceased pestering entropicAnarchy [EA] at ?:?? ?M—

Either both his parents were not keen on answering his rude messages, which has happened before, or they couldn’t answer. Annoyed at either option, G2 put his phone away and turned back towards the group.

“As I was saying, we must exact vengeance on those who wronged us in that big ass tower.” G2 said, thinking that sounded cooler in his head than out loud. The gang sat awkwardly in silence for a moment before deciding to stop awkwardly being awkward awkwardly. On their way there, G2 had some time to recollect his first meeting with his mysterious friend…

It was five years ago, on Christmas Day, or whatever amalgamation of Christmas and 12th Perigee’s eve G2’s family celebrated. Although, lacking an actual lusus to obtain a behemoth leaving, it was more like the holiday where a fat guy slides down chimneys. It was on this day that G2 first obtained his very own computer, and his mother was helping him set it up in his room. Well, Vriska did most of the work while G2 spun around in a swivel chair behind her, as twelve year olds generally suck at technical engineering.

“Aaaaaaaalright, that should work now. The internet is your oyster! Well, may8e some parts of the oyster you should avoid, 8ut you’ll be fine,” Vriska said, wiping nonexistent sweat off of her forehead like she just pushed a boulder up a mountain as punishment for her arrogance.

“Nice! Thanks a lot mom!” G2 said, hopping out of the seat and giving Vriska a big hug. This caught her off guard, but she soon reciprocated.

“No problem, you were on the nice list this year, so you earned it! Just please don’t 8eg everyday for months when the next fad hits, m’kay?” Vriska said, patting the boy on the head.

“When can we play that Flarp game you got us? I’ve never played a game like it before, but it sounds fun!” G2 asked.

“When I figure it out. This edition is new to me, since they decided to change a bunch of stuff to appeal more to human audiences for some reason. 8ut worry not, I’ll be the 8est darn clouder you could ask for! You can even invite your friends over to play it with you,” Vriska responded. G2 nodded and sat back into his seat. “Well, I’m gonna leave you to that then. If you need me, I’ll be in the living room with dad, capique?” G2 nodded, and Vriska absconded from the room. G2 scooted closer to the computer screen. First things first, he goes to download Pesterchum and make an account. The approximately two people who wanted to associate with the gross hybrid enough to call themselves his friends have been bugging him for a long time about it, so he was excited to finally get it. While it downloaded, he decided to surf the World Wide Web a bit. He found a very interesting looking website. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff? Might as well check it out. He read the masterpiece of a comic while he waited for it to download. Once it did download, he opened it up and signed in… only to be met with someone already trying to message him. He made this account mere minutes ago, how could someone already know his account? Whoever this “laxidazicalZiggurats” fellow was, they clearly wanted to be his friend! He opens up the message…

Meanwhile, in the future of a world that doesn’t exist yet, a LONESOME ZEITGEIST treks across the ashen remains of a once great world. His armor-like black skin and long, dark grey robes protect him from the brunt of the ash, but he still needs to hold his left hand up to stop the cinders from going into his eyes. With his right, he held a long pole wrapped in cloth that has been falling apart for a while now, the remains of a once fearsome weapon. Upon his back was a backpack full of supplies he had scrounged up from old buildings. He had no idea how much longer the dwindling supplies from the ruined city could sustain him, but that wasn’t on his mind right now. He had a mission. He entered an old building in the middle of nowhere, a respite from the scorching outside. He dropped the backpack aside, and placed the staff up against a nearby wall. He was lucky, there weren’t many buildings that could support someone of his size, so this might as well have been a blessing. Instead of tearing into some very, very old canned meat not even fit for a dog to eat, he sat down in front of a computer. Not any computer, however, this one appeared to be fashioned out of something much more sophisticated. A command terminal. It lacked many of the functions it would have as a proper terminal, but it worked for what he set out to do. The Lonesome Zeitgeist checks, and sees that someone important to his goals is finally going to make an account on Pesterchum. He looks through the viewport, and sees the half-dragon half-troll hybrid monstrosity hugging his mother. He almost immediately messages the boy on Pesterchum. He has been waiting several long years for this, since the day the halfling was unceremoniously brought into the world. “eternitysGrave”, or as he more closely knows him, G2 Serket, finally messages him back.

—laxidazicalZiggurats [LZ] began pestering eternitysGrave [EG] at 4:13 PM--

LZ: Hello.
EG: hello!
EG: who is this?
LZ: A friend you have not met yet.
EG: well, I did just meet you now
EG: so hello!
EG: but why did you message me?
LZ: I just wanted to make a new friend.
EG: are you one of those internet pedophiles
LZ: No.
EG: that’s something an internet pedophile would say!
LZ: You can trust in the fact I am not societal scum.
LZ: What are your interests?
EG: hmm
EG: well, I like video games!
EG: i also like to cook, but don’t tell anyone, ok? >:V
LZ: My lips are sealed.
EG: good
EG: what do you like?
LZ: I enjoy taking walks and collecting things.
LZ: I also enjoy the discussion of politics and political intrigue.
LZ: But I doubt a child such as you would be interested in that, no offense.
EG: how did you know I was a kid
LZ: DISINEJDODORPTPEJEBJFOFOEOWPQPEJFBFJDLLWNDJDKELMDJFKFMFN
EG: ????????

The Lonesome Zeitgeist was quickly shocked by his computer, causing him to spasm and eject word spaghetti into the chat room. He grunted, a sharp-toothed scowl inching across his face.

“Damn you, I should have guessed YOU of all people would prevent me from sharing that information,” He said, getting back to his typing.

LZ: It’s nothing.
EG: haha ok
LZ: Do you have any friends?
EG: yea!
EG: they are the whole reason why i got this thing
LZ: I have a feeling you are very popular at school.
EG: weeeeeeeell
EG: not really
EG: i only have two friends
EG: the rest of them bully me for being a half breed
LZ: I have a feeling, some time in your future, you will give them their come-uppance.
LZ: I have to get off soon.
LZ: But I have something to tell you.
EG: are you gonna warn me about the stairs, bro?
EG: :y
LZ: No.
EG: man, my sbhj reference failed <:v
LZ: You are a very special person, you have a purpose you must fulfill.
LZ: You will be able to change the world.
LZ: And no one will bully you ever again.
LZ: When the time comes, I shall let you know.
LZ: For now, I must go.
LZ: Goodbye.
EG: adios
—laxidazicalZiggurats [LZ] ceased pestering eternitysGrave [EG] at 4:16 PM—

G2 Serket stared at his computer screen for a moment. That was… a strange conversation for sure. Oh well, it was over, and his friends were pestering him up a storm…

Present day G2 snaps back to reality, he and the gang having made their way to that ever-present ominous ass tower in the middle of the city. Upon a closer inspection, it appeared to be several buildings that had warped and twisted together until it looked like soft-serve ice cream. Damn it, now G2 wants ice cream, yet has no way to obtain any. Damn you Latula, and damn Vriska and G’s insistence on eating somewhat healthy! They approached what appeared to be a door, looking to be about twelve feet tall and ten feet wide (Just about big enough to fit your mother). A sudden voice boomed out from a local loudspeaker.

“4TT3N710N L0WLY P30N577H, 7H0S3 W0H 50C137Y L0K5 D0WN UP0N Y37 D0 N07H 574ND UP. J01N L47UL4’5 F0RC35. 5H3’5 MY M4735PR173 4ND 7074LLY R4DD3R 7H4N 4NY Y0 H4V3, H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3!!!!!” The loud voice said, causing the group to cover their ears due to the speaker’s shrill voice. “YU0 S33, W3 L1V3 1N 4 50C137Y WH3R3 N1C3 G4M3R GRL7H L1K3 H3R 4R3 4N UNF0R7UN47 R4R17Y. 50C137Y F0RC35 U5 1N70 M4NY C4T5. 47 7H3 70P 57H3R3 4R3 7H3 CH4D5 4ND 574CYS. 4ND 47 7H3 B0770M, 4R3 U5 G4M3R5. N0 L0NG3R W1LL W3 574ND TH15 0PPR35510N-” The rousing speech about the societal pressures of being a gamer are interrupted by the sounds of the doors opening, accompanied by the sounds of metal clattering against the floor. Sollux had used his phone to connect to the tower’s mainframe and shut down all defenses and doors. “...WH47?! N0 Y0U C4N7 5HU7 0FF 4LL 0F MY R0B07H5!!! 7H47 WH45 4N 3NT1R3 CH4PT3R5 W0R7H 0F C0N73N7 Y0U JU5T FLU5H3D D0WN 7H3 DR41N!!!”

“R0b0ts, huh? Did y0ur sugar m0mmy n0t give y0u en0ugh m0ney t0 aff0rd less generic m00ks?” Sollux sarcastically replied.

“GRRRRRRR!!! F1N3. 1 G355H 1 W4NK H3LP YU0 W17H 7H3 1N154P4BL3 D347H7R4PS TH3N!!! H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!!! B17CH,” The sound of a door slamming could be heard through the speaker as everyone just sat around awkwardly for a moment.

“Yea I met that guy. He’s incredibly fucking irritating but m0stly harmless, these ‘deathtraps’ are probably just a knife taped to a roomba that he f0rg0t t0 turn 0n, s0 we sh0uld be fine,” Sollux said nonchalantly as he entered the door with the others following. It appeared to be the lobby of an office, but with various deactivated robots strewn across the ground. This was going to be easy, they thought.

And they were right. For the first room, anyway. There was indeed a deactivated roomba switch a knife taped to it, but after a montage of spinning sawblades and pit traps easily mitigated by G2’s ability to fly, they were currently outrunning flying flaming sharks made out of hate in a hallway hopping across platforms sinking into lava. Maybe Sollux shouldn't have called Latula a sugar mommy. They were so close to the final platform, which had the door that let them exit the room. One last gap and this was all over. They took a final leap, G2 and Sollux, using his stand, cleared it, but Octrol only barely made it, hanging onto the edge of the platform by his fingers.

“Grab my hand!” G2 said, holding out a hand for Octrol. The troll tried to grab it, but his greasy ass fingers on his other hand slipped, and he fell a long way down. G2 watched in horror as Octrol sunk into the lava, his hand forming a thumbs up as he was disintegrated by 1,500 Kelvin of lava.

“Is he dead?” Sollux asked.

“I guess so.” G2 replied.

“Is it bad I d0n’t feel that sad ab0ut it?”

“We’ve known him for like two hours and he has been a little annoying, so I don’t think it’s too bad. Still sucks though, we are down a party member and he wasn’t all that bad. Oh well, we should probably get out before we get eaten by flaming hate sharks.”

“Agreed,” Sollux said, and they both ran through the door as the swarm of flaming hate sharks of hatred closed in on them. They held their backs against the door and caught their breath for a moment. However, their gaze soon shifted towards the middle of the small, square room they were in.

“hey GUYS WHATS up,” Octrol said, sitting in the middle of the room looking completely fine.

“B-But, you… I… how?” G2 stammered, pointing to him.

“pfft, DID you THINK I would DIE SUCH A narratively INSIGNIFICANT death?” Octrol said. Sollux walks up to Octrol, simply crouching down to meet him at eye level.

“May I ask y0u a fav0r?” Sollux asked.

“sure, WHAT DO you WAN-“ Octrol was met with a sudden slap to the face by Sollux, knocking him to the ground. “WHAT THE HELL WAS that FOR?!”

“Y0u need t0 st0p with the al00f bullshit. Please, the next time we have t0 take a l0ng walk s0mewhere, explain all 0f y0ur bullshit abilities. Thank y0u,” Sollux said, calmly standing up and walking to the door on the other side of the room. G2 and Octrol looked to each other, shrugged, and followed him in. They entered a large circular room, probably about eighty feet in diameter, with a raised platform at the other end. A red curtain was hiding something. From behind the curtain, they could hear a mechanical thumping. Thump, thump, thump. They stood there in tense silence as the thumping continued. Thump, thump, thump. The curtains dramatically pull back, revealing a digitigrade-legged mechanical walker stomping towards the stage. It stood twelve feet tall, with a machine gun on one side of it and a rocket pod on the other. It strode onto stage, it’s cockpit opening up to reveal none other than Mituna Captor.

“4H4H4H4! 5UCK3R5!!! Y0U N3V3R 57H00D 4 CH4NC3!!! N07 WH3N 1 H4V3 MY M374L G34R TUN4!!! W47CH 4ND W33P 45 1 CRU5H Y0U TO P13C35!!!“ Mituna said, cackling to himself. G2 and Octrol prepared for a fight. Sollux just pulled out his phone discreetly.

“Alright asshole, we’ve had enough of your shit. I’ll be happy when I finally run my blade through you,” G2 said, making his voice deeper in an attempt to sound intimidating. He sounds like a smoker instead. He equips his new sword from his specibus… only to have it dissipate as it was a sword made out of fire with no source.

“WH47 5W0RD, 1D107H34D?! 574ND 571L!!” Mituna yelled, spinning up the machine gun and lifting up the right leg of the metal gear, preparing to stomp into the ground dramatically and initiate the boss fight. Instead, it collapsed at the climax of it’s introduction. “WH47?? WHY 15N7 17 W0RK1N9?!”

“Dude, why d0es y0ur giant r0b0t have an unsecured wifi signal? That’s just a hacker’s invitation,” Sollux said.

“GRRRR, H0W 3L53 4M 1 5UPP053D 70 74LK 70 MY M473PR173???” Mituna spat.

“can WE have WIFI TOO? i wanna CATCH the latest EPISODES of the BIG BANG THEORY.” Octrol says.

“F1N3, 1LL 45K H3R 70 7URN 17 0N F0R Y0U.” Mituna says, typing into his phone for a moment. “TH3R3, H4PPY?”

“very,” Octrol said.

“That was the most anticlimactic boss fight ever. Could you have just… made him really shitty? So we could have an epic fight?” G2 complained.

“N0, n0, I need some answers. Mituna. Tell me everything about this.. world we are in,” Sollux said.

“F1N3. 50 8451C4LLY, W3 4R3 1N 4535510N 0F 5GRU8. W3LL, 0N3 M0DD3D 8Y MY 7074LLY 4W350M3 4ND C00L 4ND H07 M4735PR173. 17 74K35 8175 0F 7H3 PR3V10U5 W0RLD 4ND M4K35 N3W L4ND5 8453D 0FF 0F 7H47. 7H3 0LD UN1V3R53 571LL 3X1575, JU57 M0R3 FUCK3D UP. 7H3 G04L 15N7 70 M4K3 4 N3W UN1V3R53, 50 D0N7 W0RRY 480U7 FR0G5 4ND 5H17. I W45 7H3 3ND 8055 0F 7H15 L4ND, 8U7 Y0U FUCK3D 7H47 UP, 50 74K3 Y0UR 5177Y PR1Z3 4ND G0 70 7H3 L4ND 0F 7UMBL3W33D5 4ND Y33H4W5.” Mituna huffed.

“Thank y0u, Mituna. By the way,” Sollux said, fully manifesting his Stand. “Is this from anything? Like a TV show or movie?”

“7H475 4 574ND. FR0M J0J05 81ZZ4R3 4DV3N7UR3. H0W D1D Y0U G37 0N3?” Mituna said.

“I g0t stabbed with a funky arr0w. D0 y0u kn0w h0w stands w0rk?” Sollux responded.

“Y34, BU7 Y0U W3R3 M34N 70 M3 50 1 W0N7 73LL Y0U,” Mituna pouted.

“Nice going, Asshole,” G2 Retorted.

“N0 0ne is paying y0u t0 be a prick, you know,” Sollux responded sarcastically, leading the other two to a door at the other end of the room. They entered, and were met with a very, very tall ladder.

“Whelp, see you guys then.” G2 said, spreading his wings and flying to the top. It still took a long time, and he was exhausted when he reached the top. Sollux and Octrol sighed, then began climbing.

What a thrill.
With darkness and silence through the night.
What a thrill.
I’m searching and I’ll melt into you.
What a fear in my heart.
But you’re so supreme.

I give my life.
Not for honor, but for you.
In my time, there’ll be no one else.
Crime is the way I fly to you.
I’m still in a dream, Drake Eater.

One overly dramatic ladder climb later, everyone was at the top, panting and sweating. Well, except for G2. Reptiles can’t sweat, y’all. In front of them lies a door frame filled with bright white light. They all looked at each other.

“Well, I’m obviously the leader, so I should go first,” G2 said.

“I am the 0ne wh0 makes any resp0nsible decisi0ns around here, I will g0 in first,” Sollux said.

“screw ORDER, I'M an ANARCHIST,” Octrol yelled, running headfirst into the white light. The other two chased after him, and they all entered the wall of light, transported to someone here completely different…

—————————————————

Meanwhile, in Latula’s secret base…

Latula watched in her throne room as the gang entered the white light via a camera. Kankri Vantas was standing in front of her, while Damara Megido leaned against a nearby pillar.

“S9, y0u called me ab9ut an assignment?” Kankri said.

“y3p. 4s you 4r3 4bl3 to s33, ‘tun4 d1dn’t succs33d 1n g3tt1ng r1d of thos3 p3sky 1nt3rlop3rs.” Latula responded.

“I can assure y9u, Latula, that I can d9 a much 6etter job then that m9r9n can.” Kankri said.

“寝取られのファンタジーを見るのは以前は楽しかったですが、今はただ悲しいです。” Damara interjected. Kankri shot her a glare. She knew he understood what she said, and used that to occasionally torment him

“4ll you h4v3 to do is shoot two k1ds 4nd som3 s4d unr4d d34d b4st4rd. h3r3, porr1m m4d3 th1s.” Latula said, tossing Kankri a cowboy outfit.

“Y9u seem t9 6e c9nfused. I am n9t a murderer. Murder is imm9ral and wr9ng. It is deeply insulting that y9u w9uld assume I w9uld be 9k with that as murder is 9ne 9f the m9st hein9us crimes s9me9ne can c9mmit. I w9uld 6e taking life fr9m s9me9ne wh9 has n9t lived their life t9 it’s full p9tential. It c9uld als9 6e triggering t9 victims 9f murder, family members 9f victims 9f murder, murderers, p9lice 9fficers arresting murderers, friends and families 9f murderers, murder witnesses, pets 9f murderers, Jas9n V9rhees, knife 9wners, gun 9wners, weap9n 9wners in general, etc etc. As well, why would I ever wear this? P9rrim made it and she is an entire list 9f trigger warnings herself. As well, this 9utfit is h9rri6ly culturally insensitive. Did she even ask a real c9wpers9n if this is appr9priate? I bet n9t. This 9utfit is 9ffensive t9 c9w69ys, c9wgirls, c9wn9n-6inaries, c9ws, native americans, buffal9, pist9l manufacturers, h9rses, pist9ls, rev9lvers, wild west reinact9rs...” Kankri said.

“1’ll l3t you dr1nk my b4thw4t3r,” Latula simply responded.

“9k I’m in,” Kankri said, promptly donning the “offensive” cowboy outfit.

“あなたとセックスすることを考えるよりも、彼女がニンジンを彼女の膣に押し込むほうが楽しいでしょう、” Damara once again responded.

“Are y9u even d9ing anything? All y9u have 6een doing is standing there saying vile things!” Kankri snapped.

“あなたが青いボールを持っているのを見ると私は興奮します、” Damara smugly responded.

“Fine. I’ll 6e 9n my way, Latula.” Kankri huffed, walking away. He stepped onto a transportalizer, and sent himself to the Land of Tumbleweeds and Yeehaws.

===To Be Continued…===>

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: The Good, The Bad, And The Octrol

And, almost as soon as G2, Octrol and Sollux had left their previous land, they were thrust into a new one. They all came to their senses laying down in a desert, its vast red sands stretching out as far as the eye could see, with plateaus off in the far distance. The sun was setting, but it was still as hot as one would expect a desert to be. They all got up, Sollux dusting himself off. G2 got out his phone and bummed around for a second, then pointed in a direction while still staring down at his entertainment rectangle.

“Nearest town is in that direction. Only a goddamn day’s walk away,” G2 said. Sollux was about to humorously interject about how wifi in a desert was unrealistic, but then he remembered the inexplicable cellular connection in his and the human’s session allowing them to troll/pester each other. Inexplicable internet connection aside, they began their journey across the desert. A long, and perilous journey that would test the endurance of any oh my fucking god it’s only been twelve minutes and Sollux already passed out due to the heat. Sollux collapsed onto his knees, then face first into the sand. G2 sighed, picked him up over his shoulder, and carried on.

“that LADDER WAS just an excuse TO TIRE us out ENOUGH so that we DIE of HEAT STROKE,” Octrol said, panting like a dog and sweating enough to fill a 3785.41 ml jug of nasty troll sweat.

“Fucking right? Of course that psycho bitch wants to kill us, but doesn’t have the balls to come and do it herself.” G2 sneered, trudging on. It was times like this where he wished he could sweat instead of being hot and uncomfortable. He heard a soft thud in the sand behind him, looking back and seeing that Octrol had suddenly passed out in the sand as well. G2 sighed, setting Sollux down on the sand. He sighed, knowing a similar fate would befall him if he didn’t get any help. He pulled out his phone, making one last desperate attempt at salvation.

—eternitysGrave [EG] began pestering laxidasicalZiggurats [LZ] at 5:03 PM—
EG: I need your help
EG: Stuck in the middle of a desert
LZ: Finally swallowed your own pride enough to ask me for assistance?
LZ: I am shocked, honestly. You never break your edgy lone wolf act. You must truly be desperate.
EG: Oh fuck off with that smug bullshit
EG: Do whatever bullshit wizardry you need to
LZ: Affirmitive, young lord.
EG: Please for the love of fuck stop calling me that
LZ: No.
EG: Grrr

—eternitysGrave [EG] has ceased pestering laxidasicalZiggurats [LZ] at 5:05 PM—

This had better work, he thought. The desert sun wasn’t going to get any cooler any time soon. He laid down in the sand for a moment, staring at the orange sky, twiddling his thumbs and wishing he were anywhere but here. A few minutes passed, with nothing eventful but a tumbleweed passing by on its way back from work at the sand factory. He then thought he heard something behind him. Was that a… motor? He heard it get louder and louder, until he finally looked behind himself to see a van barreling towards him. He quickly jumped out of the way of the vehicle, not having enough time to grab his unconscious teammates. Luckily, the van did not crush his companions, but rather it crashed into a cactus, sending spiky green chunks of plant matter everywhere.

In the arms of an Angel...
Fly awayyyyy…

G2 snapped out of it and took a look at the familiar van…

“Meenah, what the hell was that? You could have gotten us killed!” A familiar voice said.

“man, i dunno what happened. one minute we were drivin through those creepy streets, the next we are inna desert and i have the sudden urge to speed here,” Meenah said, stepping out of the van and taking a look around at the chaos she had initiated, finally noticed the draconic almost-roadkill. “oh. that explains a few things. the shell are ya doin in the middle of a desert?”

“Good fucking question. Now help me load these two idiots onto the van, we have somewhere we need to go,” G2 said, picking up Octrol and hauling him into the van. After both of his passed-out compatriots were in their seats, he got in the back of the van. “Ok, we need to get to this town, it’s just west of here. I think it’s called…….. Can Town?”

“We have a GPS, we are fine. You get some rest, ok? We will hydr8 those two,” Aranea said, preparing a first aid kit. G2 grumbled to himself as he buckled his seatbelt. Aranea got out of the front seat and started tending to the two unconscious companions. “Honestly though, what were you three stooges doing out there with no protection for the weather? Everyone should know that you should at least carry water with you and try not to travel while the sun is out!”

“Geez, you look like my mom but sound like my dad,” G2 sarcastically remarked. “So…….. we’re heading for town I assume?

“Yes. We will probably be staying in town for a bit to rest and recuperate ourselves,” Aranea said, crawling back into her seat. Meenah started up the car and began driving.

“……..Aranea?” G2 said. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes?” Aranea responded.

“Can you tell me about how mo- Vriska was like?”

“Uhm…….. honestly? We did not talk that much. Sorry to disappoint you,” Aranea said. Meenah looked visibly uncomfortable at the mention of the great 8itch.

“……..Meenah? Why do you look like you are holding back some information pertaining to the discussion at hand?” G2 asked.

“fuck, you serks never get off my tailfin with this shit. somefin always comes back to bite me in the bass,” Meenah sighed. “ok kid. did mr grumpy mc mustardpants tell ya bout the time travelling demon shit?”

“Yup. What does a ripped green skeleton man have to do with all this?” G2 inquired.

“well, aranea here had a brilliant plan that involved betraying me and vriska, so we were stuck in the afterlife for a while. and ya know, one thing leads to another and we are suddenly matesprits. a match made at the bottom of the mariana trench i tell ya. anyway, eventually another vriska came and asked me to help her out, but i had to leave the other one behind. the one i went with is probably ya mom.” Meenah explained. G2 didn’t know what to make of this.

“So…….. you sort of but not really dated my mom? I think I would have been better off not knowing that at all but thanks anyways, fish lady,” G2 huffed. He had decided that he didn’t want to continue this conversation. Meenah, however, had other ideas.

“hey, i know she is a bit of a beach, i shore figured that out, but ive spent enough time with both versions of her to know that she probably cares about ya more than you know,” She said. G2 stared out the van window, seemingly ignoring her until he spoke again.

“I’m worried.” He said, quieter than before. “I can’t get a hold of her on pesterchum and I haven’t seen her at all. What if something bad happened to her and Dad?”

“vriska is capable, she is probably ok and trying to find ya as we speak.” Meenah said. G2 remained silent, but he appreciated that, even if he wouldn’t show or admit it.

The gang sat in silence for the rest of the car ride as they approached the town, soon passing a crudely made sign displaying the name “CAN TOWN”. It lived up to its name, each building being a giant can with doors and windows. Meenah almost crashed into the local inn, which was several cans welded to each other.

“alright, get the fuck out,” Meenah commanded, turning off and hopping out of the van

“Are you…….. not going to help us haul these two inside?” Aranea asked.

“nope. get edgy over there to help you bring in the rest of the piss patrol, im going to get us rooms,” Meenah responded, ditching the rest of the piss patrol outside. Aranea sighed and assisted G2 in gathering the other two, slinging Octrol over her shoulder while G2 did the same with Sollux. They then walked into the inn. It was a modest place, with a few wooden tables, a bar, and upstairs rooms. There was an eclectic mix of trolls, humans, and carapicians, all dressed up like they were in a western or something. No one that they recognized, though. Meenah waited at the bar for the others.

“Ok Meenah, we brought them. You got the rooms?” Aranea asked.

“yup. only three though, two people in each room. you and i can share one, edgy and annoying can share one, and grumpy can sleep alone,” Meenah replied.

“Why do I have to sleep in the same room as him? I would much rather be alone.” G2 muttered.

“because i said so, stop complaining,” Meenah said.

“Hmph…….. I am the prince of darkness…….. the earth trembles at my steps and the wildlife withers and dies…….. my wrath is worse than the most explosive volcanoes, burns brighter than the hottest stars…….. you are lucky I don’t smite you where you stand for your insolence…….. my heart is cold as ice and upon my wings the apocalypse rides……..” G2 ranted, trying to make his voice sound deeper to be more intimidating. Everyone was staring at him as he raved like a madman. After he finished speaking, there was a moment of dead silence, before everyone erupted into roaring laughter. G2 realized that he had just made a massive fool of himself.

“AHAHA HOLY SHIT DUD-E IT’S JUST A B-EDROOM NO N-E-ED TO THR-EAT-EN MY SOUL!” Meenah said between bouts of laughter. “anyway your room is number four, sollux’s is number two.” G2 didn’t even nod, he just stomped off, tossing Sollux’s limp sleeping body onto his bed before going to his own room, where he slammed the door and dove under the covers. What a bunch of morons. Could they not see how cool he was? As he was thinking to himself, Aranea entered the room. She placed Octrol down on the other bed, then left the two to sleep. And sleep G2 did…

——————————————————

G2 wakes up in his room. Upon realizing this, he lets out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness, it was all just a bad dream… wait, why is his room purple? He sits up and takes a look around. His exact same room, but purple. And he is wearing these strange purple pajamas with a moon on it that he never remembers getting. He gets up and moves his window shades aside to see what was going on. What he saw were vast purple cathedral-like buildings, buttresses and all. He was atop a tall tower, and from where he was he could see two other towers. He assumed he was in such a tower, but before he could look any further, a certain someone flew up to his window.

“Ok, you’re fiinally awake. Gog, iit took you long enough,” Said… Sollux? It looked like him, but he was wearing similarly funky pajamas, but also had red-blue glasses on like his eyepatches, some teeth jutting out of his mouth, and a heavy lisp.

“........Sollux? Why can you fly and why do you look different?” G2 asked.

“Welcome two Der2e, our dream moon. II look liike thii2 becau2e thii2 what II looked liike before lo2iing my eyes,” Sollux said, taking off his glasses to reveal similarly colored eyes. “II am kiind of a half-gho2t iin the wakiing world. II haven’t had a dream 2elf iin a long tiime.”

“Ok, but none of that answers the question of why we are on purple Anor Londo right now. Did we get kidnapped in our sleep?” G2 said.

“Nah. Thii2 ii2 our dream moon. We are our dream 2elve2 riight now, whenever we 2leep we go here whiile our bodiies 2leep. Thii2 ii2 Der5e, and the other dream moon is Pro2piit. II have two dream 2elve2, one here and one on Pro2piit for 2ome rea2on. You only get one,” Sollux explains. “Plu2, dream 2elve2 can fly, but you can already do that 2o iit’s probably not much of an upgrade.”

“So, what are those towers all about?” G2 asked, pointing at one of the spires.

“Tho2e are where your dream 2elve2 sleep when you are awake. That one ii2 miine, thii2 one ii2 your2, and that one ii2… ii don’t know, actually.” Sollux turned to him after pointing at all the towers. “Wanna come wiith and 2ee?”

“Sure. Let’s just creep on other people while we are at it. That’s perfectly acceptable,” G2 sassed, climbing out of his window. He flapped his wings, yet he didn’t really feel like he needed them. But at the same time he wanted to look cool, so he continued to do it anyway. They both soared above the purple spires and architecture, before making it to the tower very quickly. They then peeked into one of the windows. It seemed to be a troll’s respiteblock, one that Sollux was vaguely familiar with. Unfortunately, the recooperacoon obscured the sleeping dreamer.

“Are we done with your perv sesh? I want to go fuck around now,” G2 complained, turning away from the window and leaning on it.

“Well jeez, no need two be a diick about iit. We need two viisiit 2omeone el2e. IIf what ii hope ii2 true happen2, then we miight get 2ome an2wer2,” Sollux said, immediately turning around and flying off. G2 sighed and followed him. In a way, he was sort of glad that for whatever reason Sollux was not as much of an asshole here as the waking world. They soon arrived at their destination, some weird purple castle. Sollux led him through a window, where a peculiar sight was taking place. Three carapicians, though G2 wouldn’t know that, were standing near a desk, all three of them pointing knives at each other, with all the tension that occurs during the events leading up to a cat fight. Strangely enough, they all looked identical, save for the clothing. One wore a simple scarf and jacket, one wore a jester’s hat and colorful clothes, and the last one wore a gangster’s outfit. They are all spitting insults at each other, all convinced they are the real ones. Eventually it all boils over and a knife fight breaks out. It is brutal, bloody, and kinda funny when one of them looks like a clown.

“You know, I would have complained about being here but this is actually pretty entertaining. Does this shit always happen on Derse?” G2 remarked.

“Not u2ually, no,” Sollux said. “Ahem. Jack? Or, well, Jack2?” The three carapicians stopped penetrating each other with their knives to look at the two dreamers watching them. The gangster greets Sollux, asking him about his life post-Sgrub while wiping blood off of his suit.

“Eh, iit ha2 iits up2 and down2. Beiing a half-ghost ii2nt all iit2 cracked up two be,” Sollux replied. “You miind explaiiniing why there are three of you?” The scarf-wearing one shook his head, saying with disdain that they wouldn’t be stabbing each other if they knew, some “spooky shit” is going on. Although even if they did know they would probably still shank each other.

“You know what? Let2 just make thiis ea2iier,” Sollux said, pointing to the scarf-wearer. “You’re the Der2iite Archagent,” He then pointed to the gangster. “You’re 2pade2 2liick,” Lastly, he pointed at the jester. “And you are Jack Noiir. There, that make2 iit ea2y. You can 2tab each other after we are gone. Now, what ii2 thii2 “2pooky 2hiit” you were talking about?” All three carapicians, in unison, rolled their eyes and put away their stabbing implements. Jack Noir pointed their attention to some captured images from space near Derse.

“What the hell am I looking at?” G2 said.

“II2 that… no, iit can’t be,” Sollux said.

The Dersite Archagent confirmed their suspicions, that was a horrorterror. No, he does not know what it’s doing, why it’s outside the furthest ring, nor does he care about it or what it will do. It could destroy both dream moons and planets for all he cared. He was just doing it because the Black Queen demanded it. The two dreamers examined it further

“What is a horrorterror?” G2 asked. Spades slick explains it’s basically a big nasty space monster god with unknowable motives. Spades Slick also pipes up, asking why just Sollux and this scaly asshole are here.

“No clue. IIts just me, G2, and possibly aa on Der2e from what ii can tell,” Sollux responded.

“Knowing that nasty elder gods exist and will probably molest me in my sleep is fine and dandy but can I please wake back up? We are currently in the back of Aranea and Meenah’s van currently and I need to have a word or two with the one that looks like my mom in particular.” G2 said.

“2ure, go ahead. You were liiterally contriibutiing nothiing two the conversatiion.” Sollux remarked.

“There is that trademark sass I’ve come to appreciate. Fuck you and see you when you aren’t dying from heat stroke,” G2 said, taking flight and going back to his tower.

“Liikewiise, brat,” Sollux said, returning to his conversation with civilized adults. G2 landed back in his room through the window. And laid back down on his bed. He tried to go to sleep, tossing and turning in his bed, but nothing seemed to be working. This is when he had a thought. This room was exactly like his, down to the very items strewn about. Would that be the same for his secret under-the-bed magazine? He got up and groped around under his bed until he found it, his CrockerCorp cooking magazine! He loathed to admit it, but cooking and baking were some of his favorite things to do. He read the magazine for a while, slowly drifting off back to the waking world…

Meanwhile, on the golden moon of Prospit…

Sollux flew across the encumenopolis that Prospit was in search of the other companion he had the misfortune of being stuck with. He was about to check one of the towers, when something zipped by him. Fast. Sollux had a sinking feeling in his gut that he knew exactly what or rather, who, just raced past. He turned around, only for the very same thing to rocket past him.

“hahaHAHAHA, catch ME IF you CAN!” Octrol squealed, clearly enjoying the ability to fly like a crazed maniac. Sollux sighed and began chasing the fuschia, trying to catch up with him but never seeming to quite get there. Eventually, Octrol landed on top of his dream tower, with Sollux soon following.

“You know, you don’t have two make iit thiings diifiicult for me all the tiime liike you usually do,” Sollux said, still catching his breath.

“but its MORE FUN that WAY!” Octrol said gleefully, not a hint of exhaustion in his voice. “i LOVE messing WITH people.”

“Can you not for a 2econd? II need two lore dump on you now,” Sollux curtly replied.

“nah, no NEED. i ALREADY LEARNED EVERYTHING i need TO know from THE SINGING from THE SKY!” Octrol said, pointing up into the starry Prospitian sky, but not at where Skia should be. Unfortunately, no prototypes meant that Sollux’s fears were true. That means, unless Latula managed some game loophole to escape or create a new universe, this session is doomed. He didn’t say anything now, however, more interested in Octrol. Octrol was pointing to a dot larger than the rest of the stars. Sollux had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what that was.

“And what doe2 the 2iingiing tell you?” Sollux said. He was concerned for Octrol’s mental health, but also concerned that what Octrol is experiencing might be exactly what he experienced all the way back when he still had his sight. The voices of the soon to be dead, always flooding his mind. All of this, or that horrorterror mentioned by the three Jacks from earlier was somehow messing with Octrol’s mind. Sollux didn’t like any of these possibilities.

“not much, HONESTLY! its USUALLY JUST singing and fun NOISES, but SOMETIMES it tells ME THINGS about arms AND SBURB,” Octrol said.

“And that ii2 how you are able two pull knowledge out of your a22 de2piite never haviing played before?” Sollux replied.

“yup! it ALSO tells me THAT I should “AVOID the belligerence OF THE ultimate DESTROYER”, whatever THAT IS supposed to MEAN!” Octrol chirped.

“…How long have you been awake? II mean, how long have you known about pro2piit and derse?” Sollux asked.

“ever since I COULD remember, THOUGH the singing IS A RECENT thing for ME,” Octrol answered. They both sat in silence for a moment before Sollux spoke up again.

“Ok, but ii want two fiind out who ii2 2leepiing iin the third tower before you 2tart moaniing about thre2hthroe2 or whatever that human giirl diid,” Sollux said, floating into the air and flying off to said tower. Octrol followed him, ever the curious scamp. After weaving and zipping through the various cathedrals and buttresses, they made it to the third tower and peeked inside. It appeared to be a human’s room, neatly organized and well kept. And on the bed slept a very familiar man.

“is THAT… the archer DOUCHE who tried TO ATTACK us?” Octrol asked.

“You woke up early… and you DIIDNT know he wa2 here?” Sollux exclaimed?

“im not THE ONE looking INTO other PEOPLES ROOMS,” Octrol said, climbing into the window and making any point he could have made void. “now, i HAVE AN idea,” Octrol pulled out a convenient marker from the back pocket of his dream pajamas. He looked down at the man he was about to troll. Probably in his twenties, ginger, with long-ish hair and a clean shaven face. He then proceeded to draw dicks ALL OVER the archer guy’s face. Like all over. This man had more dick imagery on his face than an unfunny adult cartoon. Snickering at his achievement, he turned to see Sollux’s reaction, only to see him slumped over and asleep on the windowsill. Octrol sighed, knowing his masterwork went mostly unobserved, and delivered Sollux back to his tower, before returning to his own, having a feeling he would be needed in the waking world very soon…

——————————————————

SNAP BACK TO REALITY.

G2 woke up to the soft sunlight shining in his eyes. He squinted and turned around in the bed to face where Octrol was sleeping. He wasn’t there. This was weird… until he heard loud snoring coming from the floor. He looked down and noticed that Octrol had fallen out of bed and was sleeping on the floor. He wasn’t very surprised by this outcome. He got up out of bed and moseyed on downstairs. He spotted Meenah and Aranea sitting at one of the tables. It seemed less busy here in the morning than at night.

“So, what is the plan for today?” G2 asked, walking over to the table.

“depends, edgy,” Meenah retorted. “are you gonna stab me in the soul yet?”

“Oh shut up,” G2 huffed. “So what? Are we just going to wait for some rough bandit to kick down the door and declare he is the bad guy for this area?” Moments after G2 said this, some rough bandit kicked down the door, stylish red clothing and sickle in tow. He appeared to be a troll of some sort.

“Alright, listen up, I am the “6ad guy” 9f this area, alth9ugh I find that term 9ffensive t9wards men and pe9ple wh9 are m9rally challenged,” Said the bandit.

“holy mackerel vantas, is that you? who convinced you to wear that, it looks like porrim made it,” Meenah interjected.

Kankri, who was indeed the bandit, sighed. “Meenah, I kn9w the questi9n y9u asked was well meaning, 6ut I’m afraid it’s terri6ly 9ffensive t9 pe9ple b9rn with9ut the ability t9 wear cl9thes. H9wever, via 9pen discussi9n, we can seek to rectify your micr9agression and-“

“Hey jackass,” G2 interrupted. “Can you can it with the talk of microaggressions or whatever? If you’re a bad guy then I have to kick your ass.”

“Jackass? Really n9w?” Kankri said, distain on his voice. “Are we still using j*ckass as an insult in twenty-whatever? Y9u have n9 idea what the j*ckass c9mmunity has 6een thr9ugh. The hate and the discriminati9n is just a6h9rrent. 6ut, I will give y9u the 6enefit 9f the d9ubt and assume y9u are just ign9rant. N9w tell me, what are y9u?”

“What am I?” G2 said, walking towards Kankri. “After all that crap you just spouted, that seems like an awfully rude question. But I’ll indulge you. I’m a half-breed. There, happy?”

“I prefer the term, ‘hereditarily challenged’, as ‘half-6reed’ has hem9ph96ic and mutantph96ic c9nn9tati9ns, as well as eugenics as well. Y9u are in a unique p9siti9n, 6eing 69th privileged and n9t at the same time. Y9ur h9rns p9int t9 a certain m9ther, and i kn9w it’s n9t Aranea. I 6elive y9ur 9ther half is drac9nic in nature, 6ut please c9rrect me, I d9n’t want t9 accidentally assume y9ur racial identity, 6ecause that c9uld p9tentially 6e triggering t9 y9u,” Kankri ranted.

“No, actually,” G2 responded, with heavy sarcasm in his words. “I actually racially identify as a tapeworm, and I think it’s really offensive I can’t crawl up asses and just be an intestinal parasite.”

“D9 y9u have any idea h9w 9ffensive y9u are 6eing right n9w?” Kankri said, trying to hold back the urge to go off on him. “I’m trying t9 help you fight the inherent 9ppressi9n y9u put y9urself in every day!”

“The only thing I’m fighting is the urge to knock you out,” G2 said. “Now get out of my sight before I do just that.” Kankri muttered something under his breath before storming out of the inn.

“See? I don’t always resort to violence as my first option,” G2 said.

“No one said you did,” Aranea responded. Soon after, Octrol announced his awakening by falling down the staircase, loudly thumping against every step until he made impact with the ground, The Office loudly playing on his phone which was a foot away from him now. Sollux peeks from his room at the chaos.

“dude, steve CARELL is the funniest MOTHERFUCKER i have ever SEEN,” he said.

“The 0ffice is 0verrated and it’s fans are ann0ying. Watch an actually g00d sh0w like Rick and M0rty,” Sollux replies.

“no one ASKED, BUZZY boy. if rick AND morty is SO GOOD then why DOESNT IT have a BRITISH version?” Octrol retorts.

“That’s because The 0ffice was 0riginally a British sh0w but was changed f0r America because British hum0r is very dry. Rick and M0rty is universally appealing t0 pe0ple of intelligence, which y0u d0 n0t p0sess,” Sollux said.

“shut UP,” Octrol said, getting up and picking up his phone so he could laugh hysterically at a joke that was sort of funny at best. Then, almost as abruptly as everything else recently, a short, sheepish carapician entered the saloon, covered in dirty wrappings and a sash with the word “MayoR” on it. He nervously asks for the person who conversed with the bandit who just left.

“Yea, that was me,” G2 casually stated. “First things first though, I’ve been curious. Why do carapicians talk like that?” The Mayor explains that he can talk normally, he just chooses not to.

“Ok then. Yea, I talked to that twerp. What about him?” G2 asked. The Mayor explained that Kankri and his bandits have been terrorizing this town, and since they had no sheriff to deal with the issue, they need outside help.

“oh, i GET it. another ADVENTURE!” Octrol gleefully exclaimed.

“Hmm… last time we beat up some dude, we ended up here. Well, looks like it’s time to pummel this chump,” G2 said.

“Y0u didn’t even t0uch him, I just hacked int0 his mech and it fell 0ver,” Sollux snidely replied.

“No one asked you,” G2 said. “Either way, we have shit to do. Aranea, Meenah, get the van ready,” G2 commanded.

“um, no. we are not yours to command. get yer own ride,” Meenah said.

“Fine then. Mayor? Where is the nearest place of transportation?” G2 said. The Mayor explains that there is a train station in the town that leads near to where the bandit hideout is.

“Great,” G2 said. “C’mon gang, let’s ride a boring ass train to kick some bandit ass,” Octrol and Sollux silently agree, and they both get up to follow him. They soon trek off into the sunrise, towards the train and towards their next adventure. The Mayor watches them from outside the saloon, and gets on a phone as soon as they are out of earshot. He tells the person on the other side that the group is on their way.

“Good,” the man on the other side says. “You will be rewarded accordingly. The bandits will harass your town no longer. Do not let Meenah and Aranea know.” The Mayor nods and closes the phone.

Will G2 defeat the bandits? Will Octrol and Sollux ever agree on humor? Will the Mayor ever speak like a regular person? Find out all of this and more in the next chapter of Homestuck 3!

——————————————————

Meanwhile, in Latula’s secret lair…

The Archer Guy closes his phone after talking to the Mayor. He is sitting in his quarters after being fully healed of his injuries. Apparently, having nonspecific sci-fi technology leads to quick healing. He looked over his plans again. All of them involved the defeat of G2. Curse that scalebag! He ruined everything! As he brooded, Porrim opened the door to Archer Guy’s dark room, casting light upon him. He squinted as he looked towards the radiant troll.

“Jesus, do any of you know how to knock?! At least give me a warning before you try to blind me,” he complained.

“It’s no+t my fault yo+u keep it so+ dark in here. Yo+u sho+uld turn the lights o+n,” Porrim replied.

“Whatever, what do you want?” Archer Guy snapped.

“Latula to+ld me to+ make this fo+r yo+u. So+mething abo+ut ‘th3m4t1c cons1st4ncy’,” Porrim said, placing an outfit on the floor.

“Huh. Thanks, I guess,” he responded.

“I’m starting to+ wo+rry abo+ut her, yo+u kno+w. She is acting really strange, even if she seems fine,” Porrim said.

“…Ok? I don’t know why you’re telling me about this, I’m not part of your weird friend spiderweb. I’m just here to look for my sister,” Archer Guy said.

“I kno+w that. But everyo+ne else seems to+ just go+ alo+ng with it. I kno+w she said she was go+ing to+ lo+o+k for her, but I do+n’t think she has any idea o+f what she is do+ing,” she said. Archer Guy stayed silent for a moment.

“…Then, can you try to look for her?”

“I can try, tho+ugh I do+n’t kno+w her name.”

“Her name is Jasper Garret. She’s a troll because she is adopted, but that doesn’t mean I care about her any less.”

“Go+t it.”

“Why are you helping me like this?”

“Because I can tell when so+meo+ne is in need.”

Archer Guy nods, and Porrim leaves the room, leaving him to his brooding…

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Fistful of Grist (Anniversary Edition)

The gang casually approached the train station’s ticket booth. G2, as usual, took himself to the front to deal with this matter.

“Hey, yea, can I get three tickets to the next town over or whatever?” He curtly asked. The man at the booth turned around. He looked vaguely familiar, with short, brown hair, and a green shirt with a sword in front of angel wings.

“Ok, that will be- hey wait a minute, do I know you?” The man asked, leaning towards the young crossbreed. “Waiiit a minute. Is… are you? Damn it, of course you’re here. We can’t just let sleeping ass dogs lie down in their comfy ass beds, huh?”

“Uuuuhhhh…….. What is your issue dude? Just give me the tickets already,” G2 said, slightly annoyed.

“Of course HE has to flaunt it in my face! Oh, look at what I made canon in your comic! Oh, look who I paired with that girl I proposed to and made an ass of myself in front of in the afterlife! Of COURSE he has her vile spawn interact with me! Well guess what? If Psycholonials had done any better, you would be DUST, kiddo! FUCKING DUST!” The man then grabs G2 by the collar and begins to vigorously shake him.

“are y0u d0ne yet? we have s0mewhere t0 be,” Sollux states, quite unconcerned with the whole situation.

“Oh, you know what?” The man says, ceasing his shaking of the teenager. “Fine. Take the fucking tickets. See if I care. Once I gain control again, I will make sure you suffer the pain of convoluted ass storylines!” He then tosses a fistful of tickets into G2’s face.

“Wow, making death threats to a teenager, you sure are badass. I am pissing my pants in fear right now,” G2 sarcastically states, rolling his eyes and picking up three tickets from the ground. The man storms out of the stall and gets on his shitty green moped with the word “HUSSMOBILE” painted on the side, muttering something to himself about timelines while riding off into the sunrise.

An awkward moment of silence is shared between the trio. All of them want to say something, but just can’t. Even the boisterous and loud Octrol is dumbstruck by that odd occurance. Eventually, they all just make their way towards the train they were supposed to board. The train itself was an old-timey steam locomotive, not unlike the kind seen in many western movies. Strangely, there isn’t anyone else at the station other than the staff. They make it to their compartment in the passenger car and all sit down. They sit there in silence for a bit, either thinking about the journey so far or looking out the window waiting for the train to start. Octrol does not like long bouts of silence, so he decides to pipe up.

“hey, IS it just ME OR does IT REALLY feel like FEBRUARY twelfth?” Octrol said.

“That’s an oddly specific date. Why does it really feel like February twelfth to you?” G2 inquired.

“i DUNNO, maybe its SOMETHING SPECIAL?”

“Well, that happens to be my birthday. So yea, I’d say it’s pretty damn special.”

“t0 y0u, at least,” Sollux interjected.

“hey MAN, could you NOT BE a downer for ONCE? all YOU HAVE done this ENTIRE TRIP is be A GRUMPY old MAN,” Octrol replied.

“Y0u w0uld be grumpy in my situati0n. I’m n0t exactly jubilant t0 be back in the game that killed my friends, much less with y0u tw0.”

“Hmph, fine, I work better alone anyway,” G2 interjected.

“but I WILL still BE WITH you though,” Octrol said.

“Even among others I am solitary. You simply wouldn’t understand,” G2 says, the edge of ten thousand 15 year olds in his words.

“See? Case and p0int,” Sollux smugly states.

“well… UUUHHH…” Octrol stammered. The train began to move, the slow crescendo of it’s wheels and the tooting of it’s horn making themselves known. Octrol couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just pulled out a pair of cat ear headphones and started watching vine compilations on YouTube. G2 stared out the window as the train moved past the town and deeper into the desert. He began to think about his friends back home. He honestly missed them, especially when he has to deal with these two…

It was a warm summer day, the perfect time for a Flarp session. The Serkets certainly thought so, as they were all outside. Vriska was setting things up, G was grillin’, and G2 was running around with one of his friends from the middle school they both attended.

“Urgh, damn this stupid thing!” Vriska cursed under her breath, looking from the rulebook to the weird machine sitting in front of her. “Why did they change it to this?! That gru8 thing worked perfectly fine before…” She smacks the top of the machine, and it suddenly whirs to life. She shrugs, and calls out to the two gremlins running around in her yard. “Hey kids, get over here, I gotta set some things up.”

The two children ran over at her call, both wearing their Flarp costumes. G2 was wearing a trench coat much too big for him that belonged to his dad, and his friend, Jasper Garret, an indigo-blooded troll, was dressed up like Rambo.

“Ok, have you two selected your classes yet? It’s a shame Gam8ligant didn’t make the cut, 8ut oh well, I’m not that mad a8out it,” Vriska said, very mad about it.

“Oh, yea! I chose the Trenchward Swordlord!” G2 said, lighting up, “I even have a name and everything! Lord Zaistehn, slayer of gods, destroyer of worlds, captain of the Doomherald!” Vriska stifled a laugh at this outrageous character concept.

“And what about you, Jasper?” Vriska inquired.

“The Decimatriarch. I wanted to use a rocket launcher,” Jasper said.

“Ok then, I think I’m ready to–

G2’s entire ass thought gets interrupted by an arrow smashing through the window and embedding itself in the ceiling. Sollux manifests his stand, using its eyes to peek through the window to see the source of the arrow, but he had the sinking feeling he already knew. And surely enough, he was right. Riding alongside the train was a man riding a horse and wielding a bow. Even though his face is obscured, his clothing was familiar enough. He was the Archer Guy, this time wearing a cowboy hat instead of a hood. He pointed to the smashed window while holding onto his steed.

“You! I know you’re in there, Serket! I’m not done with you!” He yelled. G2 got out of his seat and looked out the window as well.

“Literally what did I do to you? Sollux was the one who kicked your ass last time, remember? Or did you hit your head on the way here?” G2 yelled back. Octrol, finally seeing the rest of the gang was looking out of the window, took out his headphones and looked out the windows, standing on his toes to be able to even see out of it.

“Hey, it’s THE ARCHER guy!” Octrol says.

“I have a fucking name, you know!” Archer Guy said

“Yea, and no one cares about it.” G2 retorts.

“Yea?! Well, fuck you then. My name is Ad-” Archer Guy is cut off by him suddenly smashing into the branch of a dead tree, knocking him off and spooking his horse, causing it to start running away. The gang all exchanged looks of confusion, before going back to sit down.

The Archer Guy was lying on his back after having his ass handed to him by a tree. He regained his senses and looked at the train currently chugging away from him, getting very far by now. He shook his head. He couldn’t even do a little train murder right, it seems. He looked behind him and noticed all of his arrows fell out of the quiver, many of them snapped in half. He growls, and begins picking them up again when he sees something shiny on the ground among the arrows. He picked it up, but quickly dropped it when he felt a sharp pain in his finger. He jerked his hand away, looking at the pricked finger. It was a small wound, but it was bleeding much more than it should have. He pressed the wound into his shirt to try and stop the bleeding as he took another look at the object that pricked him. It was an arrowhead. That same arrowhead that he had shot Sollux with. He was confused, swearing that he had left it there. He was about to continue picking up his arrows when he felt something tap his shoulder. He jerked around, surprised at what he saw.

It was a humanoid figure, standing around the same height as he was. It was stark white, and seemed to be wearing what could only be described as a jacket that was flush with its flesh, as if the “jacket” was part of it. This “jacket” was sky blue, and seemed to also cover the figure’s hands like gloves attached to the sleeves. It hovered above the ground, it’s lower legs became more and more transparent the closer to the ground it was until it reached where the ankles were supposed to be, seeming to lack feet. It’s face was similar to a person’s, but had some sort of face mask covering its mouth and nose, and its eyes looked more like screens as they displayed what looked like some frequency. It stared down at him.

“What the hell are you? What do you want?!” Archer guy said, quickly shoving the rest of the non-broken arrows back into his quiver and reaching for where he thought his bow was, only to realize it wasn’t there. It was in that thing’s hand. He tried grabbing it, only for the being to slide backwards, an arrow now in its other hand. Archer Guy was about to lunge again when the being turned around and shot at the now distant train. It took a second before the train suddenly stopped, as if all the motion had been sapped out of it. He then felt extremely energized, his body ready to dash away at a moment’s notice. The being nods, then fades away. Archer Guy begins to realize what just happened. That “thing” was similar to whatever Sollux got after he was shot by the arrow. Archer Guy then stood for a second, before suddenly sprinting in the direction of the train. His legs moved faster than he had ever moved before, kicking up clouds of sand as he ran at the speed of the train he just stopped.

The gang was still on edge after the attempted attack, but they had a feeling that they wouldn’t have to deal with that Archer Guy anymore. At least they thought they did, until the train suddenly stopped. The force of it almost knocked G2 and Sollux over, while Octrol was flung through the air and crashed through the wall of the cabin into the neighboring one, leaving a hole in his wake. Sollux regained his bearings and stood up.

“0k G2, y0u stay here, 0ctr0l and I will go see what happened,” Sollux said

“That’s bullshit! Why do I have to stay here?” G2 complained.

“Because y0u’ve g0tten y0ur ass beat every time we’ve g0tten int0 a fight. We d0n’t need Dirk to crawl 0ut of a vent 0r s0mething again,” Sollux stated.

“Fine then, be that way,” G2 huffed, crossing his arms. Sollux rolled his empty eyes and walked out to retrieve Octrol from the other cabin. “I’m not useless……..” G2 muttered to himself.

Sollux and Octrol climbed to the top of one of the train cars, having already talked to the conductor and getting nothing useful, other than the train won’t budge. They both survey their surroundings, Sollux using his stand’s sight to aid him.

“holy SHIT, is THAT sonic THE HEDGEHOG from hit VIDEO game series SONIC the hedgehog?” Octrol said, pointing at a blue streak that seemed to be approaching the train at high speeds.

“At this p0int, it’s p0ssible. G0g I hate it here, why d0 we have t0 meet ann0ying game characters?” Sollux complains out loud. The blue blur gets closer by the second, until it finally leaps onto the last car in the track, releasing a wave of energy that shakes all of the cars. In the impact point, Archer Guy stands, about two cars away from Sollux and Octrol.

“didn’t YOU GET hit in THE FACE by A TREE?” Octrol said, removing one of his belts, preparing to use it as a weapon.

“Yes I did. But here I stand before you, ready to kick your asses for REAL this time,” Archer Guy boasted. “C’mon, just try and hit me!” Octrol charged in, confident in his ability to strike him. Octrol lashed his belt towards him, but at the moment before it made contact, a spectral arm appeared and grabbed it at an incredible speed. It then yanked the long belt upwards, sending Octrol flying. Even as he was being thrown in the air, Octrol refused to let go of his precious belt, which was to his detriment as the arm yanked downwards, slamming Octrol into the roof of the car, dazing him for a bit. Sollux had already manifested Double Time, so he placed the stand in front of him and charged forward, ready to block any arrows coming his way. To his surprise, a bizarre looking pale white and sky blue figure appeared in his path, one and a half cars away from Archer Guy. Two futures were then presented to Sollux via his stand. One showed his stand being punched in the face by the bizarre figure, and another where he ducked under. Using this knowledge, Sollux made the split-second maneuver to duck down, watching the fist fly over his head. What he did not see, however, was the knee to the face he was about to receive. He was already crouched over, so there was no dodging this one. He maneuvered his stand in front of himself to act as a shield. Even so, the blow hurt. A lot. The knee smashed into Double Time’s face hard enough to crack the glass visor it wore, the pain transferring over to Sollux as well. It knocked him on his ass, then disappeared. Sollux looked up at Archer Guy, then noticed the menacing aura he seemed to be giving off.

“Tired already? Oh, but I was having so much fun! Whatever this is, it’s the same thing you have, but with a longer range’” Archer Guy said, as the stand manifested at his side. “Like it? I even gave it a name. Tally Hall.” He approached the two trolls as they got up. This was going to be a long fight…

Meanwhile, in the train, G2 was bored as fuck. Sitting on this stupid train while stupid people fight above him was stupid. He decided to disobey Sollux’s order and stand up to walk out of the cabin. He didn’t see anything exciting to do in the passenger’s hallway, so he decided to walk left, towards the end of the train. He passes through another passenger car. Strange, this one was completely empty. Now that he thought of it, there wasn’t anyone else on the train but him, the other two, and the conductor. He carried on, eventually reaching the cargo car. There was luggage, but no one else was there to own it. Must be free shit then. G2 begins to rummage through the ownerless luggage, finding a lot of crap he did not care about. However, one of the suitcases caught his attention, mainly due to the fact it was a little over six feet long. He opened it up, and marveled at what he saw. It was the Dragon Slayer from the hit manga series Berserk. He had never read it before, but he thought the main character was cool. The sword was massive, more akin to a large sharpened chunk of iron than a real weapon. It was thick, and the handle jutted out of the bottom without a crossguard. After all, do you really need one for a weapon that big? All this reminded him of his younger Flarping days. He reminisced on that thought from earlier that was very rudely interrupted…

G2 struggled to swing the massive blade. The Trenchward Swordlord class was known for wielding blades much bigger than themselves. However, G2 was struggling with it. He was currently fighting a group of goblins generated by the game, while Jasper sat in the back lines, firing rockets at the creatures. G2 was lucky if he even hit one. His father watched them with concern, while his mother acted as clouder.

“Are you sure it’s safe to give children rocket launchers and giant swords? They might get seriously injured!” G remarked.

“Nah, it’s not safe at all but these kids are smart. I’m sure nothing 8ad will happen,” Vriska replied as a rocket flew by them and crashed into the tree, bringing the mighty plant down. G noticed how much his son was struggling with the massive sword.

“Have you tried using a smaller sword instead? Maybe you can use the big sword as a special attack so you don’t wear yourself out?” G said.

“But dad!” G2 said, getting a lucky strike and absolutely annihilating a goblin. “I can do this! I just gotta work really hard!”

“Hard work is good, but don’t strain yourself too much, ok?” G replied. G2 did not respond, he was too busy fighting the goblins.

G2 snapped back to reality. He wondered if his dad’s old advice would actually work. The old man had good ideas from time to time. G2 added the Dragon Slayer to his strife specibus. It was technically a sword, so it worked. He decided he was done playing around. It was time to go fight.

Octrol and Sollux were getting their asses kicked. Tally Hall was too fast for them to keep up with, and that combined with Archer Guy’s arrows made for a tough opponent. Archer Guy peppered them with arrows while Tally Hall kept them from getting too close. Both Sollux and Octrol stood there, injured and tired, while the Archer Guy entered a monologue.

“You are making this too easy. It’s almost hilarious! You two can’t fucking touch me! I just wanted to thank you, Sollux. Without you getting your punching ghost thing, I would have never thought to prick myself with the arrowhead,” Archer Guy gloated.

“w-why are YOU attacking US?” Octrol asked through heavy breaths.

“That crazy gamer bitch told me to “rough th3m up”. I’m not supposed to kill you, which is a shame,” Archer Guy replied. A sudden thunk was heard behind him.

“Oh yea? Well, I think it’s your time to reap what you sow……..” G2 said, wings spread after flying himself up after jumping out of the stopped train.

“Finally, the dark and brooding one appears! I can’t wait to fuck you up!” Archer guy said, cracking his knuckles.

“W0w, y0u’re badass when y0u beat up min0rs,” Sollux sarcastically remarked, earning him a swift punch to the face from Tally Hall.

“Your sins are numerous… I’m not doing this out of vengeance, but as a messenger… your sins will come back to haunt you…” G2 growled, intentionally pitching his voice down to sound badass. Instead he sounds like a sixty year old woman from New Jersey who has smoked cigarettes her whole life.

“Ha, sure kid. Let’s tussle,” Archer Guy said, manifesting Tally Hall right in front of G2 and making it punch him in the stomach. G2 was not expecting this, but the force of the punch caused him to involuntarily spew flames onto the stand. It hurt both the stand and it’s master, causing Archer Guy to recoil. “You little fuck! You’ll pay for that!” Tally Hall began to rapidly punch at G2, while the half-drake blocked with his regular sword. However, his blade was close to breaking, and he needed to think of something fast before his specibus went the way of the Strider. He puffed another gout of flame at the stand, causing it to swiftly leap back ro avoid the fire. G2 took this opportunity to charge the stand, recklessly striking at it with his longsword. Tally Hall simply slapped the blade away every time, almost as if it was toying with him.

“C’mon Serket! This is so fucking easy! It’s like fighting a baby! Just give up, that little toy isn’t gonna hurt anyone!” Archer Guy mockingly said.

“Heh, if you say so…” G2 said. He lifted his sword above his head, then quickly swapped it out for the Dragon Slayer, his specibus allowing him to do this without needing to move a muscle. G2 lets gravity do the rest of the work. The massive weapon came down on Tally Hall’s right shoulder hard, slicing it like a hot knife through butter. It’s arm came off easily, and so did Archer Guy’s, due to the damage transfer.

“Oh fuck! You cut my fucking arm off!” Archer Guy screamed, clutching the bloody stump where his right arm used to be. Tally Hall disappeared, and the train shuddered beneath them. “What is fucking wrong with you!?”

“Heh, nothing personnel, kiddo,” G2 said, kicking Archer Guy in the chest, causing him to fall off of the train. Said train then began to strain against the ability holding it in place, before finally breaking free and going back to full speed, almost making the trio fall off of the train as well. However, they all managed to crawl back onto the train. Broken, battered, and bloody, (except for G2 lol) they all returned to their cabin.

“Who is useless now?” G2 said smugly.

“G2!! that WAS fucking SICK!!” Octrol practically squealed.

“It was kinda fucked up that y0u cut his arm 0ff,” Sollux replied. “That shit sticks ar0und f0r life.”

“Didn’t you break all of his bones last time we met him?” G2 responded. “He seemed to have recovered from that.”

“Fair en0ugh,” Sollux admitted. “Anyway, where is Dirk when y0u need him? My shit hurts all 0ver and I need some0ne with questi0nable medical licensing t0 dig ar0und in my internal 0rgans.”

“Wait, I HAVE just THE thing for THIS. let me GRAB IT,” Octrol said, opening up his lootbox sylladex and rolled the metaphorical dice. Out of the three boxes came one pile of lint, five sandwiches, and Freddy Fazbear from the hit pizzeria Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, which does exist on Earth C. Octrol kept the sandwiches and put the other two things back into the bowels of his sylladex.

“How are those supposed to help?” G2 inquired.

“like THIS!” Octrol ate one of the sandwiches in one bite, and he suddenly began to heal from being whipped around like one of those sticky hands things. “You just GOTTA SUSPEND your DISBELIEF!” Sollux sighed at this and began to eat a sandwich like a regular person. And they would all eat sandwiches on their way to their encounter with Kankri.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, at Latula’s hidden gamer base…

Latula watched the entire thing on a big screen in her gamer throne room. Porrim was also in the room, off to the side. She was keeping an eye on Latula. Behind Latula was a particular person she tasked with assisting her in exchange for separation from a certain someone.

“what was that?!” Calliope said. “yoU said this was like good fanfiction! bUt where is the romance? the drama? this is jUst boys fighting!”

“ok but trust m3, 1t g3ts good. 1t’s just unconv3nt1on4l 4nd qu1rky.” Latula replied.

“sUre it will. if this is a slow bUrn, then it is too slow.” Calliope replied. Porrim was getting a bit irritated. She wasn’t hearing any useful information, and she couldn’t stand this talk of fanfiction or whatever this green skeleton girl was yapping on about. She took her leave, and the other two did not seem to notice.

“w3ll, 1 th1nk 1t’s just not b31ng 4ppr1c14ted 1n 1t’s t1m3. 1n 4 f3w y34rs, 1t w1ll b3 4ll th3 r4ge,” Latula says, checking behind her to make sure Porrim is gone. “Ok, sh3 1s gon3. W3 c4n cut th3 bullsh1t.”

“what do yoU mea-” Before Calliope could finish, her eyes turned blue, and her skeletal jaw was agape. She closed her mouth.

“This vessel is subpar, Pyrope,” The being puppeting Calliope said.

“1t w4s th3 b3st 1 could do. 1’m supr1s3d you 4r3 d1ss4t1sf13d w1th 4 mus3 of sp4c3,” Latula replied.

“It matters not, in the end. How is the game going? Is everything going according to plan?” It replied.

“1nd33d. th3 sk414n lull4by w4s 4 succ3ss, 4lmost no on3 in the g4m3 oth3r th4n th3 m41n tr1o 1s 4w4r3 4nyth1ng 1s wrong,” Latula said.

“Good. We need to keep the trio’s autonomy, they are the players after all. That train scene was genius, even if G2 getting that sword was a bit contrived,” It said.

“1 only h4v3 l1m1t3d tools 4t my d1spos4l, th3r3 w3r3n’t 3nough 4ctors to do th4t sc3n3,” She replied.

“It's a pity that you have such a limit. You grabbed the entire population of that city, and revived some of the dead. What are your plans?” It said.

“4ft3r th3y d3f34t k4nkr1, th3y w1ll go to 4 horror th3m3d l4nd wh3r3 1 w1ll d3ploy m4ry4m 4nd h3r d4nc3stor, 4s w3ll 4s th4t s4rc4st1c l4v3nd3r hum4n,” She said. “wh4t 1 don’t g3t, 1s why w3 4r3 do1ng th1s? 1 don’t s33 how l34d1ng 4 t33n4g3r through 4 g4m3 1s go1ng to pr3v3nt som3 b1g d1s4st3r.”

“You will see, in due time. Having both the Lord and Muse trapped here is vital to the death of their other selves. And I don’t mean the cherubs,” It replies.

Meanwhile, Porrim has had her ear pressed up against the door eavesdropping on this conversation. She was very confused. The Lord and the Muse? Incoming disaster? She was not told any of this. She was about to walk away when she encountered someone in the hall. A lecherous someone.

“Hello+ Cro+nus,” Porrim said, clear disdain in her voice.

“awv, don’t givwe me the cold shoulder like that, maryam,” Cronus said, leaning against the wall. “i sawv you listening to that door. wvhat are you trying to get away wvith?”

“That is no+t any o+f yo+ur business, ampo+ra. I need to+ go+,” Porrim replied, trying to walk past him. Cronus pushed off of the wall to block her.

“not until you tell me wvhat you are doing, swveetheart-” Cronus’s interference was met with a swift kick to the groin, making him collapse to the ground in pain. “YOU BITCH! wvhy did you havwe to kick me in the shame globes?” Cronus whimpered.

“Who+ hasn’t, at this po+int.” Porrim said, stepping over Cronus and walking away.