Chapter Text
Sunyshore had a lot of funerals after that.
"And what the hell have you been doing the past couple of days?"
"I've been fighting my own battles! I don't have time to babysit Gym leaders; I could have thought that you all would have managed not to ruin the city in the meantime!"
I gave it a cursory fight, but I could feel myself shutting down.
"What happened to the other Gyms?"
"...Crasher Wake and Gardenia are dead. Fantina and Sela are hospitalized."
The nation was in mourning, and I wasn't the only one in this state. It just felt like I was.
"You just had to trust him, didn't you? You had to be so stupid as to trust a murderer!"
Things had gone so bad, so fast. And I couldn't handle that.
-.-.-
Lucian had dropped us back off in the Gym and grabbed a couple more volunteers to free the Center—those of us at the station were forbidden from going anywhere until the city was free again. It took no more than an hour for him to come back, and then order us all to the hospital. My leg was stitched back up and Carlita was taken to the Center for her leg to be fixed as well. She would keep the leg, but she had to stay off of it for several weeks, and they preemptively put most of her leg in a cast just so she wouldn't be able to move it as much as she undoubtedly would try.
The TV station burned to the ground; no one tried to stop it. Not even half of the bodies inside were recovered. Lola's and Archie's weren't. Vaporeon's was. The mercenary's and Zoe's were not. Too many funerals to attend. Lola's and Archie's were a day apart, and Keith only stayed for them. Lucian tried to get him to stay while we all figured out what to do next, but after a shouting match that nearly came to blows, Keith won.
Jude left, too. After another fight. I deserved it, I knew. I had trusted a man who was only out for his own gain, the rest of the world be damned. It was a mistake and one I couldn't fix with apologies and tears. I told myself I didn't know why I had trusted him in the first place, even if I did. Deep-down, I did. Jude broke all ties with me with a punch to the jaw and a simple, "I thought you had learned."
I had trusted the mercenary because he had given me a sliver of doubt and the chance that he may have been a decent guy in other circumstances. But we hadn't had different circumstances, and it had only gotten Carlita shot. I had thought he could still redeem himself. Just like Nick. I didn't want to believe that there were monsters in the world; they showed me a good side, and I clung to it as stubbornly as humanly possible.
That was certainly gone now.
While everything was being sorted out, I took the opportunity to shut down the Gym again. Nobody argued with me about it. Fantina and Sela would eventually recover, but we were down two leaders again; it would take a little while to replace them and attempt to get the region running again. It was decided with very little argument that the Elite Four and Champion would decide on the replacements themselves. Never again would there be a Gym race.
Vaikuntha greeted me with a hug and valiantly stayed with me throughout a lot of it. Between being shuttled to Sunyshore for a funeral there, Eterna for a funeral there, the island to the north for meetings, I kept to myself and ignored what was actually going on. Keith and Alicia were offered the two Gyms, if only for simplicity's sake and a quick fix. That was one of the larger reasons Keith walked out. Alicia turned it down, too, although not as vehemently.
She tried to act sympathetic towards me, and even tried to give me a hug. I couldn't help but tense and snap, "Stop! Just—don't touch me." I wasn't mad at her. I wasn't mad at anyone but myself, but it wasn't fair that she could slip so easily out of this. She helped Benjamin and Canalave was one of the better off cities because of it. I had Sunyshore and it was one of the worst.
The first funeral was Lola's. Empty casket. None of her Pokemon had been recovered. She didn't have any family attending. I wore a suit that made me feel uncomfortable and secretly wore the bulletproof vest underneath it. It made it twice as uncomfortable and made me feel like I was being slowly suffocated, but I was getting used to it. It felt reassuring. After getting a gun pointed at me, after having Carlita shot, after seeing Dylan and Stephen die, I needed that reassurance.
I could hardly keep the days and events straight. It just seemed so busy and yet not. You can only stand by and watch them lower an empty coffin into the ground so many times. I was being herded around, Nathan acted as my bodyguard again, and I simply let it all happen.
The second funeral was Archie's. Another empty casket. Only one of his Pokemon was recovered—I thought it would be Charlotte, but it was his Empoleon instead. I went back to the Gym after his and fell straight asleep. I survived two and that was my limit, even if there were more to attend. It was so difficult; they were both dead. They were dead. Gone. Forever. No more snarks from Lola, no more come-ons from Archie. No more flat looks or bright grins or cold logic or alcohol on the breath. Their Pokemon were gone—probably taken by the monsters who had done all this. Tessa was the only one we knew for a fact that had gotten away, but they had unknown numbers and followers. Anyone could've been in on it, and any of them could have the remains of those teams. (I prevented myself from thinking that one of them had what was once my Electabuzz.)
I hadn't seen Nick, but I had seen his Xatu. Maybe it was his Xatu. It was behind the nightmares, and it had known about both the warning and the breakout. Who was harder to ignore; I knew for a fact that he was Nick's. I hadn't seen Nick himself, though. I tried calling him again, but wherever his phone was, it remained unanswered. All of that, and I hadn't seen the man supposedly behind it all. It made me feel as if it was just a big joke on me. Lure me in by the nose with the promise of my best friend, haha, so funny that I fell for that.
Stephen's funeral came next. I stood next to Tuesday and we both stoically watched another empty casket enter the ground. Two of his Pokemon had been recovered and were given to his girlfriend, present at the ceremony and shedding tears that we didn't have. Dylan's was the day after his, and his body had been taken out of the building. The only full coffin I saw in the long list. His Kadabra was buried with him.
"We have to prevent this from happening again," Volkner said in one of our many meetings. No one volunteered any ideas; we simply didn't have any. "They said so themselves—they've been finding each other through their teams."
"They admitted themselves that it was imprecise and it should be noted that there are obvious exceptions," Bertha said brusquely. Vaikuntha sunk lower into his chair.
"It's a start, though," Maylene said, crossing her arms. "What else are we supposed to be doing?"
"Keep an eye on any and all trainers that go through your Gym, for starters," Volkner replied icily.
"Because we haven't done that before," Benjamin said with a roll of his eyes.
We didn't get very far in any of those meetings. No one knew what to do. The best we could do was interrogate the remains of the Sunyshore (and Jubilife, to be safe) press, look through the training records for the alert Pokemon, as we were calling them, in any of the trainers known to be in Sunyshore at the time, and try to get answers from the followers who had been arrested.
Seventeen directly arrested, and more than that killed. It didn't sound like a huge number, at least until Benjamin let me know, "You and Sela are the only ones who killed anyone." So between the two of us, we took out at least seventeen lives. I didn't want to know the exact number.
Five more arrests were eventually made, but that was all the farther that lead took us.
Eventually, the meetings failed altogether and we were put back in our own cities. The long line of funeral processions ended as well. The Gym circuit was closed down completely; in some cases, it was to repair the Gym. In most cases, it was to repair the leader. I simply closed my doors and spent my time doing nothing.
Jude had told me that their blood was on my hands. The Xatu had told me the same thing. It was true. I could have stopped Nick. Barring him, I could have chosen not to trust the mercenary. I could have done any number of things differently, and I convinced myself that those choices would've been better. I took too many showers, trying to wash the blood from my hands, trying to scald the responsibility off of my skin. I wore the vest at all times, even to bed, ignoring the way it rubbed against my chest and how I couldn't breathe properly in it.
I nursed Carlita as well as I could, always apologizing, even if she brushed me off. I finally stopped saying sorry when she hit me and said, "Don't be! Now we match." I didn't tell her, but I think that broke my heart a little. Des tried to mother me, but I wouldn't let him. I was positive Konstantin thought poorly of me for all of it, too.
Nathan was still staying in the Gym, although I ignored him. Sonya tried to stay, but I wouldn't let her. Arianna stayed because I didn't have the courage to try to chase her away. Jude had left and I couldn't get hold of Hanna.
Cossette was the only one I allowed near me at any time, the only one I spoke to on a regular basis besides my Pokemon.
It was the little foreign girl who had lost almost everything who finally brought me back to reality. And it was Alice who made sure I stayed there.
"Why are you so quiet?" Her English varied greatly without her psychic translator, but she was trying. It was more than I was doing. Cossette sat next to me, eyes large and much too old for someone her age.
"I'm thinking," I replied mechanically, running my hands over the new stitches in my leg. I had crutches again, although I was ignoring them, too. It wasn't like I was moving too much, anyway.
"About what?" She took my hand from my leg and put it in her own, looking down at it instead of at me. I turned to her, surprised and a little tense at the physical contact.
"...Bad things," I replied honestly.
"Pourquoi?"
Seeing me talking with another human being soon had my Pokemon taking notice. Especially the Pidgey chicks. I hadn't explained anything to them before or after; all they knew is that I left them, and when I came back, I was like this. I would've felt bad had I been entirely aware of it. "A lot of bad things have happened." I should not have told her that. Three Pokemon dead; Rose hadn't made it. She was left with a baby Kangaskhan and a comatose Gallade. "...I'm sorry."
"You did not do any of these bad things," she told me plainly.
"...Maybe not," I lied.
Her hands tightened their grip on mine. Still not looking at me, using her long hair to shield her face, she ran her nails lightly over the back of my hand. If it was anyone else doing it, it would've seemed threatening. "There are bad people in the world, yes. You are not one. You are a hero."
"I haven't done anything to warrant the title," I snorted bitterly. I shouldn't have been acting that way in front of her, and some small part of me was even aware of that. It wasn't a large enough part to stop me, however.
"Non—you are a hero."
"Cossette, I'm—"
"You are a hero!" she insisted in a hiss, and suddenly, tears were falling onto our hands. "You have to be—you are my hero—I need one! Je veux—j'ai besoin—People have need of a hero. You are one. This fits, yes?" She looked up at me with a crooked little smile, tears still trickling down her cheeks.
I realized then and there that no matter how disillusioned I was, no matter how bad she was—nothing was to be accomplished by sulking. I had to be strong. I still had a team, a Gym, a little girl to look after. Just because other lives ended and just because I failed, didn't mean that my life had to end.
I jumped—in turn making her jump—when I felt feathers press up against my bare foot. The three Pidgey chicks were already in my lap. I was somewhat surprised to find Alice, fluffed up and looking as regal as ever, perched by my foot. "Are you speaking to us now?" she asked shortly.
"...I was always—"
"Don't," she snapped, beak clicking. "You were zoned out and ignoring us for the past week. None of us knew what was wrong. Why were you stupid in the burning building?"
Now even my Pokemon thought I was stupid. I blinked back tears—I could not handle any more blame. Cossette's small progress was already slipping away. "Alice, I'm so sorry. I just..."
"You didn't use me!" she squawked, arching her neck back indignantly. I stared at her, lost and confused, still trying to clear my vision. "You could have gotten yourself killed. And now you're moping about like a Ponyta with a wounded leg and you think it's your fault, don't you?"
"I... It is. I could have—"
"What." She narrowed her eyes and slithered up next to me, threatening to smother the chicks in my lap with her fluff.
"I could have stopped all of this," I told her lamely.
"How?"
"...Um, I could have stopped Nick—?" I didn't understand her question, and it showed. Cossette's hands tightened on mine again.
"How?" Alice repeated. "Is there an exact moment in time you could change to prevent him from becoming an ice-blooded monster?"
I thought back, unable to find any such memories. Then again, there could have been a perfectly innocuous moment in time in which I could have acted differently and radically changed Nick—and Sinnoh.
"Time is not a string," Alice said. She sat back, giving the chicks air once more, and started preening. "It is not a straight line. You cannot do one thing and change the rest of it. This is not your fault."
"The ghosts, the psychics—"
"They are all self-important and believe themselves to be better than other Pokemon types. Do you have any proof that they weren't lying through their teeth?"
"I don't know, maybe the fact that Nick actually did become a monster?"
Alice halted in her preening, looking me over with one bright, black eye. She then wiggled her long neck around, searching the room. Apparently satisfied that whatever she was looking for was far enough away, she leaned in and asked, "The ghost did it all."
"...What?"
"Since someone hasn't told me this, I have had to piece this together through secondhand knowledge. But! The ghosts you met in Sendoff Spring were the ones with our 'comrade' over there, correct? And then there was a frost ghost, independent of such things."
"Yeah..." I glanced sideways at Cossette. She was staring hard at Alice, although I was still hoping she couldn't keep up with her rapid translated speech. At least she had stopped crying.
"Who was it who told you to stop your friend?"
I stared at her, mouth agape. First off—the fact that the others had told her that much was a little surprising. Secondly, however, she was right. Lassie had wanted me to stop Nick. The other ghosts had only wanted me to stay alive and do all of the other things I had messed up in. They could have been entirely unrelated.
Though that would have been handier to know three years ago instead of right now. "...That may be true, but it's long past now."
Alice made a very irritated bird sound, reminding me strongly of the Xatu for a brief moment. "The ghosts told you nothing and only made you worry. The frost ghost did the same thing. But they were about different things! Your friend was not your fault."
"Lassie asked me to stop him, and I didn't."
"I ask you to get rid of the cat and you don't."
"That is not the same thing and you know it."
"Worrying will get you nowhere. Your friend was not your fault. The ghosts were only being spiteful and were having their fun at your expense. Stop worrying now!" Alice commanded. She then snaked her way onto my lap again, barely managing to squeeze in next to the chicks.
"That's easier said than done, Alice..."
"We're here to help. Don't take the blame yourself. Give it to others if need be," she chirped. I wouldn't follow the advice; this was my fault, not anyone else's. But the least I could do was function somewhat normally again, if only to begin the road to fixing instead of standing by the wayside.
I gingerly shifted my leg so I could stand up. I scooped up all four of my birds in my arms, nearly dropping Oonu but managing them all regardless. Although Cossette hastily stepped in, brushed off her dress, and plucked Voonu out of the feathery pile. I could feel Alice tense up, and I realized that this was the first time I had carried her since she'd evolved.
Cossette needed to disillusion herself and continue to think of me as a hero. Alice wanted me to press on and pretend to forget about the wrongs in the past. Sunyshore needed someone to look to for answers and guidance again. Lucian needed one less life to worry about.
I could do that.
I'd been pretending to be things I'm not for years—not dark, not bitter, not distracted. The least I could do was to do it more for the people I cared about.
Still carrying my birds (minus Voonu), Cossette (plus Voonu) trailing along in my wake, I walked over to where Nathan and Arianna were talking in low tones. Arianna caught sight of me first. I smiled helplessly at the way her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. "You—you're up! Are you okay?" she asked worriedly, all but pushing Nathan out of the way.
"...I'm better than I have been for the past week," I replied truthfully.
"You shouldn't be carrying that much weight, not with your leg like that," Nathan scolded, trying to take Alice from me. She hissed and snapped at him, so I kept her in my arms. I could handle it.
"I've decided something," I told them both. Actually, I had decided a lot of things, but the biggest one was concerning the Gym. Cossette hummed, pleased, and carefully looped her arm in mine, barely fitting in with Vi there. "It's about time the Gym got renovated. This isn't Volkner's Gym anymore; it's mine. I'm tired of this warehouse feel."
"You're... You're serious about this?" Arianna asked, outright shocked. "Two weeks ago you couldn't even pick out a badge."
"I know, but I already have some ideas, and the badge is the theme, right? Half the work's already done for me," I replied cheerily, smiling—really smiling—for the first time in... I didn't know how long. It almost hurt. "I want to do something productive after... all of this."
"What are your ideas, then?" Nathan asked gently. They were still treating me like a glass doll, but I didn't particularly mind it right then.
"You know what? Life sucks," I said instead. I finally gave in and sat down. The birds remained stubbornly in my lap. Vi flapped out of Cossette's arms and landed on Alice with a contented tweet. Arianna and Cossette sat down immediately beside me, and Nathan stood awkwardly for a few more moments before joining us on the floor. "I've been training for about four years now, and I've seen a whole lot of crap. I've got scars from poison ivy, half-resolved neurosis about water, I've been beaten by more wild Pokemon than I can frankly remember, I've had holy water thrown at me, I've had to cross-dress more times than I'd admit to in other circumstances..." They looked at me with matching expressions of concern. I shrugged. I knew why they were looking at me like that; those all seemed like little things.
Not like Nick, or Hanna's team, or The Tournament, or losing Woonu, or Archie, or Lola, or Cossette's team.
"Still, I've had bad luck since I can remember. It wears on you," I informed them. Cossette nodded, although how well she was keeping up, I couldn't tell. "This big stuff is... different. You can ignore it or you can fight against it. Either way—life sucks."
"Where are you going with this?" Arianna asked finally, something like fear creeping into her voice.
"I'm acting how I want, for once. I'm going to be bitter and angry about this," I said softly, looking down at the bundle of feathers and fluff in my lap. Alice snorted at me and pressed her cheek against my shirt, digging her beak into the vest underneath. "This Gym is going to be the Gym of bad luck."