Archive of Our Own ^beta

MJ shook her head, staring at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She traced the bridge of her nose, followed the curve of her cheek, and met her eyes squarely in her reflection. She breathed in, pulsing air to her right cheek rapidly as she studied herself. She scrunched her nose, dropping her eyes and paused, her gaze lingering on the smattering of freckles under her eyes. 

Huh, she thought, suddenly and rapidly, blinking at the cluster of dots. Maybe I'm not always a she, before she shoved the thought hard into the back of her head, and turned, snapping the light off and tugging her StarkPhone out of her pocket to text Peter another nagging text about missing Ac Dec practice. 

***

She didn't let herself think about her strain of thought for another few weeks, shoving it back every time she even began to get a trickle of potential thinking, until she was scrolling twitter and reading other people's testimonies. She bit her lip, adjusting herself on her pillows, and let the thoughts slowly seep into the forefront of her brain. 

You can't be anything but a she, her brain cajoled her. You've always felt like, well, a girl, for the lack of a better term. 

What about those times that I didn't feel like that for real though? When I felt too big to be contained, too large for my body? She kicked her blankets off her body, twisting in her twin bed. Sometimes I don't want to be a girl. 

Doesn't everyone? Her brain whispered back. That's completely normal.

No, she thought, her palms sweaty. It's not. 

***

She fidgeted with her backpack strap, humming absentmindedly when Sally and Betty paused in their conversations, her gaze fixed on the ground. Across the room, she could feel Ned's worried gaze on her back, but she couldn't be bothered to lift her head and reassure him, instead sinking further into herself. 

She picked at her thumb, her thoughts swirling around the door she had opened earlier in the week. Her thoughts of she, she, she, she colliding with a train of trembling but strong they, they, they. She was so distracted she didn't realize that she had stripped the skin from beside her nail until she felt a hand on her fingers, stopping her from picking anymore. 

"MJ," Betty said, her gaze kind and her voice quiet. "You okay?" 

MJ nodded, pulling one of her hands free and pushing back her hair. 

"Of course she is," Sally said, pressing a wet paper towel into her cut and hissing in sympathy as MJ flinched. "You'll be okay." 

MJ nodded again, and offered up a muted smile, her thoughts even more convoluted as she contemplated just what exactly had made her flinch. 

***

MJ stood, again, in front of her bathroom mirror. 

She kept the lights off, letting herself be backlit by the light from her room, the faint glow from the setting sun barely making its way to her, the only clear feature on her blurred and blackened shadow in the mirror her eyes. She met them and unfurled her shoulders, letting herself soften. 

She, she thought, grimacing at herself, her teeth glinting dully. They. 

They, she they thought, before twisting in front of their mirror. Sometimes they. 

They sucked in a deep breath, the feeling of pleasure sweeping top down, a bone-deep contentment unexpectedly filling them. 

MJ met their eyes in the mirror, flipping the light on and blinking once as they were briefly blinded. She grinned at herself, true joy glinting through her eyes. 

She. They. It was- she, they- it was- contentment filled her body, blanketing them in something welcome but deeply unexpected. 

***

MJ shifted on her feet, rocking back into Peter's desk, wincing faintly when she caught the corner of the desk in her hip. 

"Hey," Peter said, bouncing past her to throw himself onto his bed. "God am I glad school is over with." Ned laughed as he followed Peter in, stopping to squeeze MJ's hand once as he past, before throwing himself onto the bed next to Peter. 

"What's up?" Ned asked, well aware of how the swirl of emotions had been following MJ around for longer than she had realized. He nudged Peter into sitting up, lacing their hands together absently as the two turned to look at MJ. 

MJ closed her eyes, breathing in once, and took a step to the left, shutting Peter's bedroom door. 

Peter sat up, alarmed in a way that he hadn't been before. "MJ, if Aunt May-" 

"She knows we're having a serious conversation," MJ said, their voice harder than they had intended. "She- she uh, doesn't know the specifics," they clarified at the looks Ned and Peter exchanged. "Just that I don't want to be interrupted or- or- overheard or-" They cut themselves off, flushing faintly. "It's- it's nothing bad," they clarified softly, heading over to Peter's desk chair and sitting in it, spinning to face the bed. "It's just, uh, heavy?" 

"Heavy's fine," Peter said, chewing on the inside of his cheek as his brows furrowed. "Nothing bad?" 

MJ shook her head. "Nothing bad." She darted a glance to Ned, waiting for him to say something and clearing her throat when he just smiled back at her. 

"Right," she said. "So I," she paused, rubbing her hands on the fabric of her jeans and grimacing faintly. "I have something I want to talk to you two about." She glanced at the two of them, relaxing when the two of them nodded at her, both their faces earnest. "Right," she repeated. "I'm just- I'm gonna babble at you and then, and then it'll make sense," she said, before closing her eyes to avoid seeing their faces. 

"I uh- gender is hard, right? And figuring myself out is hard, and for a long time I didn't even know that there- that there were other options, and other pronouns, because it was just she, she, she everywhere I turned, and that's not quite a bad thing, or at least, I don't think it is as of right now, but I also didn't know if any of the other pronouns made sense, so I started thinking, and then I started thinking, and I got here." 

"Here," they repeated, clearing their throat and keeping their eyes closed tightly. "Which is that, sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be a she, I want to be a they." They scrunched their eyes closed even more as they heard Peter shift on his bed. "And it's not like a one-or-the-other kind of thing, it's like a use she or they pronouns for me interchangeably now." They sucked in a deep breath, and quietly added, "Please." 

MJ kept their eyes shut as they heard Ned and Peter rise from the bed, Peter quietly letting them know that the two of them were going to touch them, and pulled MJ up from their seat, onto the bed, before Ned heaved a huge sigh. 

"Honestly," Ned said, the relief in his voice unmistakable. "Not to make this about me or us, but I fully thought you were breaking up with us." He squeezed their wrist gently. "So, finding out that these past few weeks has had nothing to do with us, it's a relief." He paused for a beat, before continuing. "Also, of course, this changes nothing." 

MJ cracked her eyes open, peering at Ned through the gaps in her eyelashes, before twisting gently to look at Peter, who grinned at her and then stroked his fingers across her pulse point once before nodding in agreement. "You're you," Peter said gently. "I'm thrilled that you told us, and I'm honored that you trust us with this, and I'm deeply, deeply, in love with the both of you, and I just can't even fathom not having you two." He shrugged, glancing at Ned and looking back at MJ. "Of course we'll both support you and use those pronouns interchangeably, as they're you, so of course I love them." He shrugged again. "I just - I'd die for you, both of you, without thought. It would never be a problem to respect either of my partner's wishes." 

MJ blinked at him, before turning to Ned, who was gaping at Peter. Ned turned to look at MJ and heaved a sigh. "Guess this is my time to shine too." He tugged MJ closer and wrapped his hand around Peter's. "Love you both too," Ned said, his cheeks flushing and eyes closing. "And nothing will - nothing does -" he sighed again, and collected his thoughts, before opening his eyes. 

"I'm not good at this," he said softly. "It feels like you both can open your mouths and have the truths of the universe fall out and it will all make sense, but I don't have that so I'm going to do my best to match that with- well, okay." He scrunched his eyes shut, and leaned his head back against the wall. 

"I love you both, it's like- like crawling into a bed with sheets fresh from the dryer, like going outside and catching a snowflake on your tongue on your first try." He flushed even deeper as he felt the two of them inch closer to him. "It's everything and nothing, and it's warmth and laughter, and the chill of knowing the pain that could come with a misstep and choosing to go for it anyways." He shifted again, keeping his eyes closed. "I just- it's like you keep my limbs attached and my body working," he finally said. "I love you both so much and it's just - it feels overwhelming." 

MJ reached up and wiggled their hand into Peter and Ned's linked hands, the three of them intrinsically linked, before they shifted. "I- same," MJ settled on, their eyes darting between Ned's and Peter's as Ned slowly cracked his open. "It feels like I've cracked myself open and let myself free and we're all so new and fragile but we're together and in the end, that's what matters." 

"Yeah," Peter sighed, slumping into the two of them. 

There was a beat of silence before, "Love you," all three of them said in synchronization, before collapsing into giggles. 

***

"Oh, MJ's the best at that," Peter said. "No - seriously, they crush it every time-" 

MJ pushed past the core six, slotting themself under Peter's arm and smiled brightly, the rush of endorphins never fading with each use of they. Across the room, Ned glanced up, mouthing I love you, and MJ sighed, her smile growing, until they felt that they could take on the world.