Chapter Text
Jesper hadn’t intended to grab quite as much from the mercher’s house as he had. He and Inej had been tasked with grabbing a particularly fine opal necklace from the wife’s jewelry box.
“No extras,” Kaz had warned. “Get the necklace and get out.”
“Of course,” Jesper agreed easily. “Get the necklace and get out.”
Their leader turned to Inej. “Do try and make sure he holds to the agreement.”
She sighed. “I’ll do my best, but you know as well as I do that he has a mind of his own.”
“Hey! I’m right here,” protested Jesper.
When Inej had shimmied down the chimney and let him in through the second story window he’d had every intention of following the exact directions. He knew it was for the best. The less that was missing, the longer it would be before the mercher noticed. Inej, silent as she was, had made it into the wife’s dressing room and snatched the hideous but expensive opal necklace easily while he stood guard at the top of the steps to ensure that no one attempted to leave the party going on down below. He’d been carefully pacing the upper hall waiting when he spotted it: a fine mother of pearl rifle mounted to the wall. Its design mimicked that of his own revolvers so how could he possibly resist? He snatched the gun off the wall, quickly replacing it with a less conspicuous shotgun leaning against the cabinet, wrapped the rifle in a blanket, and tossed it into a large basket he found on a stand in one of the side bedrooms. Then he headed towards the window.
“What is that?” Inej asked when he arrived.
“An extra acquisition.”
“Jesper, put it back. Kaz said no extras!”
Just then there were footsteps on the stairs. Two seconds and they would be visible.
“Do you want to follow orders and get caught or do you want to get out of here?”
Inej sighed. “Let’s go.”
They had made it at least three blocks before Jesper realized there was a problem: the contents of the basket were crying.
“Jesper! What have you done?” Inej’s usually composed voice ran with panic.
“We need to take it back, quick!”
“We can’t go back, Jesper,” Inej snapped, having rapidly progressed to anger. “What do you think happens if we go back? We turn up at the front door holding a basket with an infant in it and say ‘oops, not sure how we got this’ before handing it back over?”
“You got in the first time, you could get in again and put it back.”
“The thing about scaling a wall is that it’s something you need two hands for. How, exactly, are you expecting me to also take up a basket and a child?”
As seasoned criminals, they had not stopped walking during this exchange, and were close to the meeting point which Kaz had given them during the briefing. The child was not screaming, instead it was letting out disgruntled sounds which threatened to become full cries—likely expressing its displeasure at the sudden movement and exposure to cold air.
The two thieves turned the corner towards the safe-house building. A figure that they knew to be Kaz, although to any passer-by would have only seen a dock worker lounging on the steps of a run-down house, rose to meet them.
“Fahey, you had one fucking instruction.”
“The gun was calling to me, Kaz!”
“And you needed a basket to carry it out?”
“Well, you see,” he said, slowly, “I…”
“He kidnapped a child,” Inej said.
Kaz blinked.
“Excuse me?” he said, voice low. Jesper fidgeted with the little wicker handle of the basket he’d grabbed.
“The… basket was calling to me?”
“Was the child?”
Jesper grumbled, rocking back and forth on his feet. He set the basket down with a gentle thud, suddenly afraid that he would shake the baby, or something, and give it brain damage. That was a thing that could happen, wasn’t it?
He could—and did—do a lot of things that were less than savory. Murder wasn’t even off the cards, even though he didn’t like it. But he’s only ever killed adults, not literal children. Saints, he wasn’t a monster.
Inej groaned. “I can’t believe you, Jesper.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“But you did.”
“We can just put it back—”
“It? They’re a child—”
“A child you shouldn’t have fucking grabbed—”
“Oh, you know what I meant—”
“Jesper—”
And that, that, that was the moment it all went to hell.
Turns out, the kid had a big pair of lungs on them.
“Oh, Saints,” Jesper groaned.
But the child was crying in full swing, now; loud, sharp sobs and a piercing wail that echoed through the tall ceilings of the safe house. Kaz leaned into the basket, reaching for the kid.
“Don’t hurt them—”
“Of course I won’t hurt them,” he snapped, touching the child with shocking gentleness. He held them away from his chest a little bit, but was careful as a father might be. He grimaced, a little, which was the only thing that showed he was less than happy about this particular turn of events, but then he was rocking back and forth with the kid in his hands.
Jesper watched, enrapt, as Kaz lulled the child back to sleep with each and every slow movement. It was a strange sight to behold.
“I am not having the stadwatch following us back on accounts of kidnapping,” Kaz said, voice quiet. Quiet, Jesper realised, so that he didn’t wake the baby.
They stood in silence for several moments.
“So,” Jesper began.
“Do not.”
“Jesper,” Inej whispered.
“Why did you steal a child, Jesper,” Kaz hissed, still rocking the baby.
He winced. “It was unintentional, I swear. I didn’t realize there was a baby in the basket.”
“It’s done now,” said Inej, staring at the child with an inscrutable expression. “We can give them back tomorrow.”
“Yes, and by that time Meijer and his wife will have noticed their fucking child is missing,” Kaz snapped. “Inej, how superstitious is the family?”
Inej frowned. “A little more than average? Missus Meijer dislikes clockwork, but not enough to ban it from the house entirely.”
Kaz considered this. “Maybe they’ll believe a canal demon stole it.”
“Canal demons aren’t real,” Jesper said dubiously.
“It’s that or you march yourself to the stadwatch and admit to breaking and entering and stealing a six month old baby.”
“Canal demons stole my baby cousin,” Jesper declared, newly converted to Kerch folklore.
“You didn’t even grow up near a canal,” Kaz sniped back, still keeping his voice low.
The bells struck and even Kaz jumped slightly. It was one, which meant that the time to still be on the streets was coming to an end. Once the sun rose they’d be as conspicuous as a pigeon in an Imp mask.
“Let’s go,” Kaz said, striding off, baby still in hand.
Jesper looked at Inej, shrugged, and put his baby, the rifle, into the basket with a loving caress. The two went on to follow Kaz to the Slat.
Miraculously, Kaz kept the baby calm and quiet throughout their journey and only a few half-awake drunks even noticed them as they turned through the darkened alleys that avoided the stadwatch. When they finally reached the Slat Inej disappeared, becoming a shadow on the rooftop instead.
“Upstairs?” offered Jesper. Kaz nodded sharply.
The inside of the Dregs’ den was mostly deserted, just a few inebriated members hunched over with their faces on the table, trying to sleep off what was sure to be a fantastic hangover. Jesper looked over at the baby in Kaz’s hand and longed for a drink himself. If only he’d spent his night at Makker’s Wheel none of this would have happened.
Jesper voiced this sentiment aloud to Kaz as they walked up to his attic room. Kaz ignored him and quickly picked the multiple locks at the door one handed. Jesper, still nervous about the baby, couldn’t help but be impressed by Kaz’s skill as well.
They entered Kaz’s rooms to see Inej sat at the windowsill already, scarf now removed from her head. “I suppose you have a plan?”
Kaz sat at his makeshift desk gently, careful not to jostle the baby. “The baby was stolen by a canal demon. That’s the plan.”
Jesper goggled. “That’s a terrible plan.”
“Do you have a better one?” Kaz snapped.
Inej left her spot on the windowsill and walked further into the room. “We can’t exactly keep the baby.”
Kaz shrugged. “Why not?”
“Why not? Why not! Kaz, it’s a baby!” Jesper shouted.
Immediately, the baby’s lungs were back in action: it let out an ear-shattering wail, loud enough for Jesper to plug his ears with his fingers. Kaz got to work shushing it, rocking it quickly back and forth in his arms.
Inej had an odd soft look in her eyes while she watched Kaz rock the baby. Jesper filed the image of Inej making goo-goo eyes away for future blackmail purposes; one never knew when a little dirt might help. Still, the problem at hand was really the baby itself.
“We could always sell it,” Jesper suggested.
Apparently this was worse than murder in Inej’s mind, because Jesper found himself flat on his back with a knife to his throat before he could even blink. “Say that again.”
Somehow he didn’t think responding was a good idea.
“Inej, he has a point,” Kaz rasped.
Inej rounded on him, but Kaz had the benefit of the baby in his arms.
“Not to sell into slavery, of course. But there are many families unable to produce an heir that are desperate enough. Rich families. Good families.”
In the end, after three days—and enough dirty nappies to make Jesper turn green—a bargain was struck. A wealthy mercher couple who wished to remain nameless wanted a baby for undisclosed reasons. They’d prefer a boy—which was rather convenient—but a girl would do if it got them a kid faster. Their own child had apparently been snatched by a canal demon that also stole a valuable opal necklace.
Only Kaz could manage to sell someone their own child back.
Inej had insisted on a thorough check into their motives before she was willing to relinquish the child to his own parents. Apparently, Johann Meijer had a bit of a misspent youth and his father was only willing to name him as inheritor of his estate if he had a child. Given that Meijer Senior was now 80—having also had a misspent youth and waiting until 45 to marry, the hypocritical bastard—there was a bit of a ticking clock to ensure there was an heir. The ten thousand kruge they would pay Kaz was a mere pittance compared to what they would inherit.
The baby—they’d taken to calling him ‘Milo’ though apparently his real name was ‘Johann Jr.’—was out of the Meijer household for less than a week, the Dregs were 10,000 kruge richer, Kaz and Inej were no longer shooting him murderous looks. And Jesper? Well, Jesper had a shiny new rifle.