Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a nice, calm day in the Hermit HBG Household. Until False barged in, an angry red shulker box under her arm. 

“Hi False,” Fruit and Illumina greeted in unison from the dining table. Pete gave her a wave. 

False gave them a curt nod. “Hey.” Then she turned her attention towards Ren, who was humming as he polished an enchanting table. 

“Falsie!” Ren then noticed False’s stormy expression, and his face fell slightly. “What’s wrong?”

False’s icy blue eyes sliced right into him. “I visited Tumblr today,” she seethed.

“Oh!” Ren continued to smile blithely. “That’s the thingy Martyn talks about!”

“Exactly!” False burst out, and slammed the shulker box in front of Ren. The loud noise startled everyone else. Grian nearly dropped the dragon egg he was holding. Cub just glanced up from the dripstone he was counting. “You’re talking about Martyn again! It’s always Martyn this and Martyn that! My liege and my hand and whatnot!”

“That’s because we’re very good friends! Even historians say so, my dude!”

False gave him a deadpan glare. “Oh? Then why is Tumblr saying… this?”

She opened the shulker with more force than necessary. Slips of paper fluttered out. False snatched one from the air and read it. “Hand in hand? Rotten hand in the hand of the living? To the end?? Gay ass????”

“Erm—“

“There are dedicated tags for you two.” False furiously rummaged in the box. “Treebark? Queercodes your Dogwarts? Previously ironic Treebark brainrot?? Pardon my language, but what the flip, mate?!”

“Just say fuck,” Grian offered. 

“That’s not it! Here’s MORE.”

False pressed a button, and Martyn’s voice floated from the speakers. “‘Martyn why are you a simp to Ren?’ Uhhh… just because! Would you not be if you were in the series? He’s pretty dashing, I have to say. He’s a born leader. That’s why I’m drawn to him.”

“OOOOOOH!” Illumina wolf whistled in the background, but was quickly shut up by Pete stepping on his foot.

“‘Simping for a king’ Surely you don’t want to simp for anyone lesser, right? Why simp for the middle when you can simp for the top? Think about it.”

“Oh.” A wide grin broke out on Ren’s face. “Aww, I didn’t think Martyn thought so highly of me.”

“Ren, you’re making this worse,” Cub quietly added.

False huffed and pressed the button again. A clip from 3rd Life played. This time, it was Ren’s voice. “I stood naked before you, dude! You saw all me bits!” 

“I did!” Martyn replied cheerfully, almost too cheerfully. “They were gray and long and, I’ll be honest they look strong!” 

“Guys, please, not in front of my salad,” Pete groaned. Next to him, Fruit and Illumina were furiously wheezing. Cub and Grian could only stare.

“Thank you!”

“I’m only saying that because it rhymed, but regardless-” 

“Well, thank you! Ladies, gentlemen, everybody in between get in line, is what I’m saying.”

False stopped the recording with a frosty glare. Ren sighed and stood up. “Listen, I-I… can we at least not talk in front of the children?”

“Funny, because you said that to him too.” False scowled. “What children do you have with Martyn, huh? Huh??”

“I-it’s our people, my dude! The people of our freaking kingdom!”

False slapped a hand on her forehead. “Okay, okay. But I’ve had suspicions for a good while now. What were you doing with Martyn last weekend? Fruitninja had a tournament, H and Pete got injured in Vault Hunters, Grian was doing his summer camp thing, it was just me and Cub putting everything together, and what were you doing?”

“Err…” Ren looked slightly sheepish now. “Martyn and I were swordfighting!”

A pause.

“And we were comparing how long our swords were!” Ren said brightly. 

Even Grian looked taken aback.

“Skizz was there too, with his Skizz Blade and all that jazz… man, it was a really freaking good time, if you know what I’m saying.”

“So you’re finally admitting it, huh?”

“Alright alright time out!” Grian yelled as he put his arms out between Ren and False like he was taming velociraptors. “Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding! Martyn’s my friend, he won’t do this—“

False held up a photo. “The fans spotted this after rewatching MCC9 for the seventh time. This has been going on since MCC9.”

The photo was blurry, but the people in it were unmistakable. Ren, in his iconic Blue Bats jacket, was holding hands with Martyn in his pink suit. What made it worse was that an oblivious False could be seen in the background.

Fruit dramatically gasped. “What the heck?! MCC9 is supposed to be our moment!”

“Okay fine, I take back what I said,” Grian quickly got out. 

“How could you, Ren?” False scolded. “MCC9 Blue Bats was the beginning of the S tiers adoption arc! It was our win! You didn’t win with Martyn, in fact, you guys do mediocre in everything you participate in! Not top, not bottom, but middle! You’re in the middle in Hermit Raiders, 3rd Life, MCC—“

“Hey!” Now Ren was enraged. “Don’t call Martyn mediocre! He’s a really good guy! He’s strong and uses a sword and wears green! You’ve met him!”

(“False is also strong and uses a sword and wears green,” Grian commented. “So do I,” Pete and Fruit chimed in.)

“Ohh, speaking of meeting him,” False wagged a finger in front of Ren, “MCC15 was fine. We had a good time! That’s how Illumina got here! But then Hypno approached me after Hermit Raiders.”

“Oh no,” Cub mumbled.

“Hypno asked me if you guys were always, and I quote, “like that.” Of course I asked what he meant by that, and apparently Hypno witnessed you guys professing your love in the middle of a battlefield with all sorts of “my lord” and “me hand” and poor, poor Hypno felt like the third wheel.” False inhaled. “I bet you two were just keeping it in during MCC15. You played me.”

“But honestly, I wouldn’t be that mad if you did your work. You’re the log provider! You chop wood for all of us! But now all you do is dreamily look at that enchanting table!” False jabbed an accusatory finger at the table. “We’re gonna be broke and in debt and it’s because of YOU! REN THE DOG!”

“Well, that’s because Martyn and I own a business! It’s called Renchanting!” Ren retorted crossly.

“Of course you’re ditching your log business for Martyn!” False shrieked. “Really, Ren? Sacrificing Bigger Logz for Littlewood?!”

“His name might be Littlewood but he’s not little at all!” Ren defended. (“TMI!” Pete called from the background.) “And besides, he’s mine! I-I mean, he’s my Marketing Manager!”

At that, False raised her sword, and everyone hurriedly pulled her down. “Calm down Falsie!” Grian screamed. “Didn’t we determine that stabbing someone to death has low efficiency? You should try out dripstone.”

“C’mon False, you know how much it cost to bail you out of jail last time,” Cub hissed. “Let’s not do this for the sake of the house, okay?”

False struggled against her bonds to no avail. “You lying, cheating DOG!” She spat with venom. “Get out of the house! Take all your girthy rusks! And your Weetabix! And whatever British food you’ve been using to terrorize your audience! I’m leaving you and I’m taking Pete with me.”

“Fine!” Ren roared. “Then I’m taking H! Geez!”

(Fruit and Illumina shared nervous glances.)

“I am going to chop your head off with an axe,” False seethed. “I bet Martyn’s never done that- oh wait.”

“AHH! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” Illumina suddenly screamed, his voice slightly cracking in the process. He waved his hands in the air. “I’m leaving the house!”

False asked, “Where are you going?” at the same time Ren said, “Be back before curfew”. 

Illumina sniffed. “I am leaving! To find a functional family!” Without another word, he speedran out of the house, broke a world record in the process, and slammed the door behind him. 

“Wait!” Fruit cried out. “I’m coming with you!” He then speedran packing his things and followed Illumina out. 

False was busy tossing Ren’s stuff at him. Grian had decided to livestream the whole soap opera to help with the household’s financial situation (it was working).

False chucked Ren’s MCC crown at him and it crashed into his forehead. “This is supposed to be the Blue Bats crown! Except you obscured all the wording with horrible fake blood (really, you could’ve asked me for real blood) and turned it into something about Martyn! Do we really mean nothing to you?!”

“With how much you’re yelling at me, did I mean nothing to you, Falsie?!”

With False and Ren bickering and Fruit and Illumina running away, Pete felt a sense of doom wash over him. The household was in shambles and no amount of house building could repair it (despite most of them being builders or part of the House Building Gang). His fingers shaking, he pulled out his phone and texted HBomb.

H, who was working as a catmaid at Aquwu Town’s MeowPop cafe, was blissfully oblivious to the domestic problems going on at home. “UwU! Thank yuwu for your owoder!” H curtsied towards a customer. 

“You’re doing great, H,” Scar declared. Scar co-owned the MeowPop cafe with Jellie and thus was H’s boss. “I knew Iskall found someone talented.”

H grinned. “Thank you boss!” He adjusted the cat ears on his head, reapplied the blush on his cheeks, then saw the notifications from his phone. His heart sank.

Pete: Hi H

Pete: guess we won’t be seeing each other a lot now

H: What do you MEAN?? youre running away?

Pete: funny you would say that bc fruitninja just did

H: love isn’t real

Pete: It sure isn’t

Pete: btw False took me in the divorce

Pete: Ren took you

H just stared at his phone.

H: what happened

Pete: martyn happened

H: IT WAS MARTYN????

Scar peered over H’s shoulder. “Oh, Martyn? That funky blond guy? He’s Ren’s partner,” he said casually. 

“He’s Ren’s WHAT NOW-”

Hours had passed since the big fight. A weary False sat outside the house and sorrowfully looked up at the night sky. 

“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?” She whispered.

Miles apart, Ren leaned against the wall of Renchanting and similarly gazed at the sky.

“I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…”

Chapter Text

H speedran home to hear Taylor Swift breakup songs loudly blasting from the speakers. He found a distraught False sitting on the wooden floor. “False!” He cried out in a panic. “How are you-”

Then he realized she was methodically ripping up the many, many photos of her and Ren in MCC. Disembodied paper Ren heads littered the floor- False was truly living up to her title of Queen of Heads, Hearts, and Body Parts. 

False then spun to look at H and she burst into tears. “Same brown hair… same blue eyes… same lumberjack gimmick… same inappropriate humor… you really take after…” she clenched her fist and got the next words out through gritted teeth, “the dog…”

“We literally aren’t related,” H said but he hugged False anyway.

False sniffed and patted H’s shoulder. “Just don’t be a homewrecker like him. I guess you know this already but… Ren took you in the divorce.”

“Awww. I’ll miss you, Falsie.”

False continued to furiously rant about Ren (“I was the one who stayed with him when he turned into a cat!” “I was always flying around and saving him!” “I’m Ren Diggity Done with him.”) but ultimately, and sadly, sent H to Renchanting. 

On the way, H thought he saw a community in flames and in utter chaos. He checked the sign. It was a place called “Hermitblr”.

HBG (Hermit Befriending Gang) groupchat

Hmama: Soo… I guess this is it

Hmama: we’re all separated :(

Pete: :(

Pete: where is fruitninja

Fruity B: hell

Fruity B: o

Hmama: “hell”? Yeah me too

Fruity B: we are with the simmers!

Pete: Oh???

Fruity B: as illumina puts it

Fruity B: “a functional family”

Illumina: WE’RE NEWLY ADOPTED WOOOOOOO

Hmama: dont come to me for help when the hermits start fighting over you

Fruity B: ive decided i want to follow grian :]

Pete: Never would’ve guessed, “grianstanaccount”

Hmama: where’s cub? He’s not at renchanting

Pete: probably somehow profiting from the divorce 

Hmama: Fair enough

So Illumina and Fruit left the builder community and joined a new community with a slightly different interpretation of “building”. Vixella and Zeuz, two of the so-called Simmers, were happy to take in Fruitninja. Naturally, they were curious about what had happened between the hermits, who were known for their peaceful and wholesome community. Illumina simply took out a photo of MCC15 Purple Pandas, pointed at False, then circled Ren and Martyn. Fruit coughed.

Zeuz and Vixella shared knowing glances, communicated through eyebrow wiggling alone for twenty seconds, then offered Fruitninja dinner. 

By next morning, the entire community knew about the divorce already.

Iskall: HALLO

Iskall: falsie

Iskall: so sorry for your loss

Iskall: now you know how I felt when Ren asked you to be his neighbour in s6 when we were best buddies in s5

Iskall: omegalol

Iskall: bYE

Iskall: just kidding I do feel sorry :( rendog SUCKS ahem

Pearl: I was literally on vacation for two days what HAPPENED

Bdubs: HI FALSIE 

Bdubs: the dog is never good news… Doc cheated on ME with HIM!! THEY WERE FRENCH KISSINF!!!

Bdubs: okay they defeated the dragon together BUT STILL

Bdubs: now you know how I felt

Bdubs: STUPID DOG!!

False: This is the second message I’ve received about ren’s trail of broken hearts 

False: do we need a support group

Bdubs: YES!!!

Etho: Hey king daddy Rendog

Etho: first of all I’m happy for you and Martyn

Etho: second of all I would tell you to run

Etho: you screwed up big time, Ren :)

Jevin: Mcc wasn’t what I remembered what the heck is going on why are there children now

Xisuma: Oh my goodness, what a PR mess

Wels: Is it time to use the courtroom again

For H, life at Renchanting wasn’t exactly… bad. He had food, a nice place to sleep, plus iron golems as guards. Except he woke up to “peasants nailing erotic artwork of the king and his court jester to the walls” (Ren’s words, not his), which was, at worst irritating, and at best absolutely hilarious. 

“Morning Ren!” H called out. Ren’s head was bowed down at the breakfast table to hide his puffy eyes— or maybe it was just because of the weight of the gold crown on his head. 

Ren’s lip trembled. “Falsie used to call me Ren…”

H rolled his eyes. “It’s literally your name? Fine. Morning, Renpog.”

Martyn drank a sip of coffee and looked between H and Ren awkwardly. “So, umm, morning H.”

“Hey, Martyn.” H’s tone was as bland as the mashed potatoes he was eating. “What are you guys doing today? I heard Ren gave up Bigger Logz for… whatever this is.”

Martyn cleared his throat. “Well, I’m going to the four corners to bring in new customers for Ren, stop people from stepping on Ren, and mine lapis for the enchanting service! Enchanting is very profitable, you know.”

Ren managed to smile. “Where would I be without you, me hand?”

“Obviously back with False,” H muttered crossly. “But seriously, why do you call him your hand? What do you need a hand for? To hold gently??”

Ren stared at H. “It’s me and me hand to the very end,” he said in a gravelly voice. “He fights for me… he fights with me… he wields my trusty sword…”

H recalled Pete talking about Ren and Martyn’s “swordfighting playdate”, felt a shiver down his spine, and slammed his mug down. “I’M OFF TO WORK NOW!” He loudly declared. “BYE!”

As he scarpered, he heard Martyn yell, “What do you mean H works for Scar?!”

To: Scott Major

From: Rendog

Subject: NO MORE #RENSYMMETRY / #FALSEDOG! D:

Dearest Major,

I am writing to tell you NOT to put me with Falsie for the next MCC because she is angry at me and will kick my butt! T-T

Oh! Totally unrelated but can you put me with Martyn? :D

Thank you, and don’t forget to get in line <3

RD 

Scott: Ren I received your email

Scott: Let me get this straight (haha), you’re NOT teaming with false?

Ren: I am an independent dog who doesn’t need falsie!!!!

Scott: sure ren 

Scott: youre still calling her falsie :)

Ren: dangit! Stupid autocorrect! :D

Scott: you really replaced a sword wielding blond with… a sword wielding blond 

Scott: Is that your type?? People who can destroy you?

Ren: :D

False was stress digging. She dug out huge cave after huge cave. Grian and Pete hovered near her, but thankfully False seemed to be so focused on digging that she forgot about murder.

Grian had work, so when he left, it was just Pete and False in the broken, oddly quiet household. False wiped sweat from her forehead.

“I can’t believe this,” she furiously muttered. “Wait, actually, I can. Ren’s literally always been like this. He asked me to be his neighbour in Season 6 and guess what? He did so much of his stuff with Doc. Heck, they even sat in a hot tub together!” False slapped the stone she had just mined. “Zero feet apart because they #SHIPrendoc!!” She screeched. “Okay ReNDoG!! Two timer dog!”

“False.” Pete gently put his hands on her shoulders. “I know you chased him out of the house, but I think you need to ponder on this question.”

False sniffed. “Yeah?”

Pete gazed at False solemnly. “Did you leave… or were you left?”

“…and then False pulled out her sword and went to stab Ren!”

“But Grian and Cub stopped her because murder was too expensive.”

“I couldn’t take it anymore, so I ran away. I think I saw False throw a British biscuit at Ren though.”

Fruit and Illumina were enthusiastically retelling the fight to their new parents. Vixella and Zeuz hummed and nodded appropriately.

“How terrible… that seems like a very violent household…”

“Think about the CHILDREN!”

“What a horrible, tragic occurrence!”

They firmly grasped Fruitninja’s hands. “Don’t worry,” Vixella cooed. “You’re safer here… I think.”

Ren stared at his phone with trembling hands. “I’m gonna do it,” he announced shakily. “Stay with me, me hand! And H and Cub, I guess.”

The three of them anxiously crowded around Ren. This was a big moment for Rendog. They watched with bated breath as Ren tapped on False’s contact. Ren inhaled, squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed the button. A few seconds passed.

“You just changed her contact name from Falsie to False,” Cub pointed out. 

Ren burst into tears. “Cub, you didn’t have to say it like that!!”

A few days later, Fruit and Illumina ended up having lunch with Ren and Martyn at the MeowPop cafe. Vixella and Zeuz, at Fruitninja’s request, sat badly disguised in a corner. They wanted to make sure the boys were okay. 

“I don’t care what’s gonna happen,” Fruit complained. “I am not calling Martyn ‘dad’.”

Martyn nodded solemnly in understanding, but Ren took it in a completely different way.

“I get it, Fruityloops. I really do.” Ren placed a hand on Fruit’s shoulder. “Saying ‘dad’ is too formal. You can call him ‘daddy’ like I do.”

Illumina choked.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ILLUMINA’S IN THE HOSPITAL?!”

False jabbed a finger at Ren’s forehead. “Ouch, Falsie!” He groaned. “Hey, it’s not my fault there are choking hazards in his food!!”

“Excuse you?” Scar replied incredulously. “I’ll let you know my restaurant has nothing but the finest quality of foods!”

“Oh my goodness! Calm down, all three of you!” Xisuma demanded with all the authority of an angry bee. 

“Shut up, Xisuma!!” They all yelled in unison. 

Fruit sat on a chair in the hospital corridor, his hands over his ears. “Stop shouting!” He sobbed. “Aaaaaaaaaaa—“

Grian sat down next to Fruit. “It’s okay, Fruity B,” he soothed. “Sometimes we get mad. But look on the bright side! At least no one’s trying to stab someone else!”

“Alright, is no one gonna give us credit for calling the ambulance?” Zeuz cried out. 

Chapter Text

A tall, meanancing pig-human hybrid casually strolled through the suburban area. Worried neighbours shot him looks and started whispering among themselves. “I hear he’s a Blood God!” “Isn’t that the guy who left MCC?” “Too soon! Too soon!”

Technoblade glanced at the small strip of paper in his hand. “Hermit HBG household,” he read out loud. “It should be this street, I think…?”

Just to make sure, Techno approached a person on the street, but they hurried away, likely intimidated by his appearance. Techno frowned. “Alright.”

“Tech!”

Techno grinned at the familiar voice. “Grian! Thanks for inviting me here!”

Grian’s face fell, if only ever so slightly. “Yeah. About that. Umm. You might not have come at a good time.”

“Oh.” Techno bowed his head. “Do the hermits… not like me? Because I’m not part of the HBG?”

Grian waved a dismissing hand. “Oh nah, they’re just going through a divorce. Despite never being married. Don’t ask me how it works. It’s cool though, and you’re always welcome here!”

“Great! I was worried about, y’know, being late, and only knowing you…” Techno glanced at the house. “By the way, is Sensei here?”

“Ah!” Grian clapped his hands cheerfully. “Fruit ran away with Illumina! They broke a world record while doing so, so I’m not mad. Proud of my boys!”

“Umm, excuse me, Grian? Who is this guy?”

A concerned neighbour had finally mustered the courage to ask Grian. Grian glanced up at Techno, who was twice his height. “Ohh, he’s just Tech!” Grian replied nonchalantly. 

The neighbour stared at Techno. Techno stared at the neighbour. 

“Hi,” Techno said politely.

Grian ignored the flabbergasted neighbour and dragged Techno to the house. “Come on in for tea!” He cried. “It’s not too much of a mess… at least, it wasn’t the last time I saw it.”

“The decoration is... interesting.”

As he sipped his tea, Techno glanced at the photos plastered on the walls. All of them were of MCC teams and most of them were ripped. 

Grian winced. “This was a recent development. Ren was cheating so… yeah.”

Techno’s eyebrow quirked. “He cheated in MCC? Ohh boy, that’s gonna open a can of worms on Twitter.”

“You misunderstood, Ren didn’t cheat in MCC. More specifically, he cheated on False in MCC,” Grian patiently explained. “And oh right, you don’t know Ren.”

“Wait.” Techno put down his cup. “Let me recall him.” He scrunched up his face. “The Dodgebolt blondie is FalseSymmetry, right? The ace? There’s always a guy next to her I think, a shirtless guy with abs? I think that’s Ren. Ren was the one pouring out his life story after MCC9.”

“Yeah, that’s him-”

“Oh, and I think Tommy once asked if they were dating.”

Grian spat out his tea. “What in the name of Queen Elizabeth’s shiny crowns?!” he squeaked. 

A knock from the door. Gem poked her head in. “Hi Grian! I heard we’re adopting S tiers, sooo do we have room for one more?” She merrily asked.

“Uh sure! So long Ren and False don’t know them because if I see them fight over more kids my head will explode.”

“Is this a bad time to say I’ve practiced with both of them on the practice server?” came Quig’s voice. 

“That’s probably fine—“

“And I called Martyn Motivating Martyn.”

“… Oh. Well.”

Quig stared at Grian. “Well.”

H was doing his chores at Renchanting. With his arms full of bedsheets and blankets, he shuffled to the laundry room. Ren passed by him, and beamed.

“Hmama!” Ren declared. “Be careful with those sheets, my dude. There’s a lot of man juice on the bedsheets, if ya know what I’m saying.” Ren waggled his eyebrows and winked.

H screamed and threw the bedsheets on the floor in disgust. “Ren means sweat!” Cub yelled as he rushed into the room for damage control. “H, calm down, he means sweat-”

“I SWEAR IF IT’S ANOTHER INNUENDO-”

Jimmy: hi false ;-;

False: hello

Jimmy: i know my husband is scott but i’ve always played mcc with martyn, so i understand how you feel

False: ren left me and martyn left you…

Jimmy: exactly ;-; you might even call it the Solidarity

“So… what happened at your old home? You can tell us anything.”

Vixella and Zeuz gazed at Fruitninja with sympathetic eyes. Fruit and Illumina shared looks. Fruit started shuffling his peas around his plate. “Well…” Fruit confessed. “They did give me permanent emotional damage.” 

Illumina solemnly placed a hand on Fruit’s shoulder for support. Fruit sniffed.

“... Would you like to elaborate?”

“I think,” Fruit said carefully, sorrowfully, “they once argued on how to boil spaghetti.”

There was a semi-long pause.

“Ren wanted to use a pan. False wanted to use a pot. False liked the swirly spaghetti and Ren liked his “hard” and “straight” and “wet”, whatever that means.” Fruit paused. “I think Grian ended up making dinner that time. That ended up being a compromise. Ren said he liked how “juicy” and “moist” the sauce was. So False smacked him.”

Vixella nodded empathetically. “So violent… they must have left a terrible impression on you kids.”

“You don’t understand!” Fruit wailed. He slammed his fork down and everybody jumped. “They ruined spaghetti for me! I can’t look at that without thinking about how “hard” and “moist” it is! How can you ruin freakin’ pasta?!”  

“Fruit, sit down and eat your peas!” Zeuz declared.

“I can’t! I won’t!” Fruit dramatically sobbed. “I’ve lost my appetite!” With that, he got up from the table and speedran to his room. They could hear the door slam shut after him.

The Simmers anxiously stared at Illumina, but Illumina wasn’t looking at Fruit at all. In fact, he was staring at his stopwatch.

“That was 0.73 seconds!” Illumina cheered. “Fruit, you just broke your personal record!”

Fruit poked his head out from behind the door, all traces of his misery replaced by delight. “Really? LET’S GOOOOOO!” He whooped. The two started screaming and leaping around the house, traumatic pasta experiences forgotten.

Vixella massaged her forehead. Zeuz deeply sighed. “... Why did we think adopting two speedrunners was a good idea?”

In true PTA mom fashion, following Ren’s infidelity, False organized a support group consisting of Bdubs, Doc and Iskall. In false PTA mom fashion, False had decorated the room with banners that spelled out “Fuck Rendog”. Originally they were written in cursive and in chicken blood for maximum classiness, but after both Grian and Pete said that would scare all the guests away, False called Stress for help. Stress cheerfully advised False to use glitter and draw flowers to make them “gorgeous” and “less terrifying”. False knew she was intimidating, but she didn’t want to scare everyone away. So she gratefully took Stress’ advice and dumped a healthy amount of pink glitter over the banners. With the banners plastered on the walls, False was ready to welcome her guests. Except Bdubs was late. 

“Huh, and I thought Bdubs was the Time Master or whatever,” Doc drawled.

As if on cue, Bdubs burst into the house, his moss hoodie a complete mess with twigs and leaves sticking out. “HI!” He screamed. “SORRY FOR BEING LATE! NEARLY GOT KILLED! AH!”

“Have some tea,” False said nonchalantly. 

“I WAS PASSING THROUGH THE DOGWOODS!” Bdubs hollered. “SOMEONE TRIED TO HIT ME! WITH A SUOUOSHSOSTUPID AXE!”

Iskall patted Bdubs’ shoulder. “It happens. The Dogwoods are kinda feral, dude.”

False clapped her hands together. “Well, now that we’re all here, we can finally begin!” She said brightly. “Welcome to the ‘Fuck Rendog’ club, where we all gather to say a collective ‘fuck you’ to that stupid dog.”

“AMEN!” Bdubs whooped.

There was a pause as Iskall and Doc shared looks, got up, then sat back down again. 

“You know what, False has a point,” Iskall said.

“This wasn’t what I expected, but you’re right,” Doc declared.

“I almost sent an invite to Martyn. Good thing I didn’t.”

False blinked. “WHY would you send an invite to MARTYN-”

Doc gracefully reclined in his chair, the action showing off the “Dad Kisser Doc Donnerstag” T-shirt that he got from Tumblr. “Falsie, have you seen these decorations?” Doc vaguely waved a hand. “Look at the ‘Fuck Rendog’ in elegant cursive, circled by pink glitter and hand drawn flowers and stars… man, Falsie, are you reverting to your highschool days?”

False was stunned into silence. “I… I…”

“Doc’s right,” Iskall added, oblivious to False’s expression of horror. “Actually, why wouldn’t Martyn want to join the “Fuck Rendog” club-”

“Mmm! Rendog’s coming, baby!”

“Awww yeah! Ooh, this is a big one.”

“The one you’re holding is girthier though.”

“We need cream, dudes.”

H wanted to cry. He didn’t know what Ren and Martyn were doing in the kitchen, and he wanted to leave, but he was supposed to mop the corridors. Why did Ren get him in the divorce? As if things couldn’t be worse, the door to the kitchen opened. H screamed and shut his eyes, but opened them when the aroma of baked goods filled the air.

Ren grinned. “You want a rusk?”

H pressed his back against a wall. “What… is a rusk?” He asked with suspicion.

“I’m glad you asked!” Ren replied cheerfully. “A rusk is a girthy biscuit.”

(H was already regretting his question.)

“I mean, that’s the only way that I can describe it. It’s a long, girthy biscuit.” Ren’s expression was oddly earnest. “And it’s really hard, ‘cause it’s twice-baked. They become these chunky, hard, girthy biscuits. You dip ‘em in your tea or your coffee. And because they’re like, really thick, hard biscuits, they just suck up all that coffee and they suck up all that tea and they hold themselves together ‘cause they’re so thick, they don’t fall into your tea, my dudes. Lemme tell you, a rusk is the-”

H didn’t hear the rest of it. He speedran away.

After the failure of the “Fuck Rendog” support group, False decided to set up a “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss” support group. Cleo, Stress, Gem, and False sat in a circle, while Pearl attended virtually because she was on vacation.

When she saw Pearl, Stress gasped. “Pearl, are you alright, luv? You’re upside down!”

A few seconds of necessary lag passed before Pearl replied. “I’m alright, it’s just my Zoom filter,” she said.

The meeting proceeded smoothly. Stress provided clips of her murdering Ren and Doc during the Civil War for catharsis, Gem wisely kept silent about Ren and Doc’s goat baby, Pearl asked if any of her stuff had been disturbed following the divorce, and Cleo talked about murder. 

Cleo patted a sobbing False. “There, there. Ren isn’t a bad guy. He just has a lot of love.”

False blew her nose. “He has too much love… it’s overflowing… hate that stupid puppy…”

“You’ll get over him,” Cleo soothed. “You’re a strong person, False. Ren will regret this. Before you know it, you’ll-”

False’s phone rang. She wiped her tears and picked it up. “Hello? Cub?”

“Don’t freak out, but uh…. We’re taking H to the hospital.”

False’s heart chilled. “Explain,” she demanded.

“He was speedrunning on newly mopped floors and tripped. Just a minor concussion, but we’ll take him to the hospital just in case.”

“Are you guys in an ambulance? I can hear a siren.”

“Nah, that’s just Ren.”

Without another word, False grabbed her jacket and dashed out of the house, the girlbosses hot on her heels.

“Ren, why are you always putting children in hospitals?! Sooner or later you’ll be so dangerous that you’ll start putting babies in hospitals!”

“Putting babies in hospitals, eh? Well, the ladies and gentlemen (and everybody in between) do get in line, if you know what I’m saying-”

“Get out before I give you a concussion myself.”

Chapter Text

HBG (Hermit Befriending Gang) groupchat

Hmama: I don’t think this needs to be said

Hmama: we MUST get false and ren back together

Hmama: Ren and Martyn somehow got Illumina and me in the hospital…. they are a disastrous duo

Fruity B: LMAOOOO

Hmama: being with falsie must be great..

Pete: Umm, objection

Illumina: oh no

Hmama: oh NO

Pete: saw her write “fuck rendog” in blood

Fruity B: human blood…?

Pete: she said it’s chicken

Pete: no one believed her 

Hmama: obviously 

Pete: Next day, found that she’d circled the name with glitter and flowers and all that

Pete: …

Fruity B: HELL NAH

Illumina: what is that??? advanced cursing???

Hmama: wait till you hear about Renchanting lore

Hmama: martyn chopped off ren’s head and summoned this evil red king dude

Pete: Wow okay

Pete: I guess fruitninja must be having a good time because they moved out

Illumina: hahahah

Illumina: NO

Fruity B: simmers r great but the house is too damn small!!

Illumina: WE CAN BARELY MOVE LET ALONE SPEEDRUN

Fruity B: WE MISS THE BIG HERMIT HOUSE

Hmama: WE MISS THE HERMIT HOUSE

Pete: WE MISS THE HERMIT HOUSE

Illumina: WE MISS THE HERMIT HOUSE

Fruity B: WE MISS THE HERMIT HOUSE 

Hmama: guess it’s up to you fruity b

Fruity B: ?

Hmama: you are OBVIOUSLY the favorite 

Illumina: the youngest… the baby of the group…

Pete: fruit could literally breathe and the hermits would be like “omg fruity b is awesome I love him so much”

Hmama: nice grian impression

Fruity B: grian! :D

Illumina: if one of us could bring the hermits back tgt it’s the fruity and the b 

Fruity B: haha :]

Fruity B: what do I do, run away???

Hmama: you KNOW they’ll contact everyone they know, recruit actual gods, summon demons, tear apart the fabric of space time to find you right

Fruity B: ok yeah

Fruity B: probably not worth it LMAO

Pete: “probably”

Fruit couldn’t sleep. He and Illumina were sharing a bunk bed, and he knew Illumina was asleep already. Fruit sighed and stared at the Blue Bats picture on his phone lockscreen.

How did it all begin? Originally, the hermits had a house to put their clothes in during MCC, and in typical hermit fashion, they decorated it, built showers, kitchens, and expanded it until it was virtually a mansion. After MCC9, H and Fruit were invited by False and Ren to celebrate at the house and they had a great time cheering and eating cake. Soon, more and more people appeared at the house, and the non-hermits started crashing more regularly (Fruit wanted more cake, Pete wanted air conditioning, H needed to escape from Twitter) until they sort of moved in. It wasn’t really a conscious decision, but then Cub started telling them not to slouch at the dining table, Ren needed help with chores, and somehow the Hermit HBG household was established. 

Then it all broke apart.

It was disappointing to know Ren and Martyn had been holding hands since MCC9. Fruit sniffed. The household was doomed from the beginning! Now, he and Illumina couldn’t go to Ren because obviously they would die, they couldn’t go to False because she was scary and cursing people, and their current house was too small. 

Fruit could only make his 17625th tweet about missing the Blue Bats and hope for the best.

So H summoned all of them for a meeting at the MeowPop cafe. Scar had generously offered them discounts and a table for the entire afternoon. With cake and MooPop by their side, the four furiously discussed their current scenario.

“We actually saw False this morning,” Illumina said. “Fruit and I were speedrunning in the park and she came by to check on us. She was worried the Simmers were feeding us junk food so she shoved two shulkers of golden carrots in our hands.”

“Oh yeah, you guys need to stay in shape for the upcoming tourney,” Pete remarked.

“The hermits will definitely come to watch us,” Fruit said, “so that could be our chance.”

H nodded. “And you know Pete and I are in Vault Hunters. Maybe we can do something together…”

A silence washed over the quartet. Pete took a sip of MooPop and sighed. “Listen, I think I should tell you guys. Grian said he brought Techno and Quig over for a visit and he quite enjoyed their company…”

“B-but that’s two new S tiers…” H’s lip trembled. “Are we being replaced? Do the hermits not want us anymore??”

Fruit slapped H’s arm. “As if! Come on, believe in the hermits!”

“So says the favourite!”

Illumina hummed. “So that means out of Reddit’s so-called official S tiers, only Dream and Sapnap aren’t adopted.”

“That’s interesting,” Pete said. 

“Very interesting indeed,” H added. 

There was a pause.

“Well, if you’re worried about being replaced, don’t,” Pete offered. “It was literally just one visit.”

H glumly slouched in his chair. “Yeah, sorry. I guess I was too used to being replaced. Like, whenever Scott makes ¾ of the Blue Bats I’m always the replaced person. I don’t know why.”

“Haha, sucks to be you.”

H scowled and bonked Fruit’s head. “Can you stop flexing being the favourite?!”

“Alright guys, you’re really displaying the maturity of Build Mart antis on Twitter,” Pete drawled. That shut them all up. 

At that moment, the door to the cafe swung open. “HI SCAR!” A man boomed. Stray leaves fluttered from his moss hoodie to the ground. Pete and H gasped.

“Afternoon, Bdubs!” Scar greeted cheerfully. “What are you in need of? A stool for you to stand on? Reputation points maybe? Or my big hat to make up for your-”

“DON’T CALL ME SHORT!!”

“-wasn’t referring to your height, but whatever-”

“That’s freaking BdoubleO!!” H whisper-screamed as he frantically shook Pete’s shoulders. “I asked for his autograph a few years ago!! I think I’m going to pee my pants!”

“I know!” Pete retorted, also shaking. “It’s the BdoubleO! I met him in a mutual friend gathering just before MCC10, and I was under so much pressure to win for the hermits. I’d never felt so stressed before-”

“Wait,” H piped up. “Bdubs is a hermit. Can we… ask him to adopt us?”

Fruit and Illumina shared looks. “We miss the big hermit house though,” Illumina said at the same time Fruit said, “I am a loyal Grian stan.”

H took out his phone and showed them a photo of Bdubs’ gigantic manmade mountains. “You don’t have to worry about space when we have this guy.”

“Alright, love him already.” “Let’s go with him.” Fruit and Illumina instantly changed their minds.

They were all too nervous to approach Bdubs though, so they could only watch Bdubs and Scar banter. Thankfully for them, Scar started to bring up MCC (“the PvP and the Parkour”), and Bdubs shot the four curious looks.

“Oh hey! I remember you!” Bdubs pointed at Pete with a giant grin. “You’re Pete! You helped Falsie and Cub win!”

Pete was vibrating in excitement, but he managed to wave. “Hey.”

“I helped Falsie and Ren win too!” H burst out, desperate to impress Bdubs. “Me too!” Fruit piped in. 

Bdubs’ grin was widening. “I know! I’ve seen you guys in the photos! Gotta love people who win with the hermits! I actually watched a bit of MCC, and it was really disheartening to see False and Grian get… what was the term? Reverse swept?”

Illumina yanked his ninja hood over his head. “Alright, just pretend I don’t exist.”

“Speaking of Falsie, I’m a little worried about her.” Bdubs leaned closer to the four. His big eyes would’ve terrified them if they weren’t used to the Lime Liches face. “Like, the only thing stopping her from going on a murder spree is how expensive it’ll be to clean up. And you know we hermits are good at getting rich quick.”

Scar joined in the conversation. “Yeah! False is so scary.” Scar’s voice cracked a little. 

Bdubs sighed. “I visited her last week and she made some… interesting blood-written banners that I’m not allowed to say out loud because of demonetization-”

Pete nodded solemnly. “The ‘fuck Rendog’ saga…”

H spat out his drink and rubbed his eyes. “I need to get my head out of the gutter. This is what happens when you spend too much time around Ren and Martyn,” he muttered.

“So can you guys do us all a favour and calm False down?” Bdubs asked, his tone pleading. “For the betterment of the entire community?”

Pete and H glanced at each other nervously. “Well actually-”

Bdubs’ eyes were eerily getting larger. “Please? Pwetty pwease?”

H was dumbfounded. The UwU speak that he used to his advantage was now being used against him. He was not immune to the UwU. Despite his admiration of Bdubs, his eyes were instilling some sort of primal fear inside him. H’s heart thumped. 

“S-sure!” H squeaked. He didn’t know how to refuse. He wouldn’t refuse. He couldn’t refuse. How could he look into those giant anime eyes and say “no”?

“GREAT!” Bdubs shrieked. “Wonderful! Now we won’t have a ticking time bomb on our hands! Was a pleasure talking to you!!” And as easily as he barged in, he left.

H wiped the cold sweat off his forehead. “Uhh… so I guess we’re back to square one? Anyone have ideas on how to repair this unnecessary family feud?”

Ren was an independent doggo who didn’t need Falsie for emotional support. He didn’t! He really didn’t!!

So naturally when he received a message from her, he leapt towards his phone and instantly clicked on the notification. His dog ears perked up. His tail wagged.

False: Ren.

A passive aggressive full stop. That wasn’t good. Ren nervously swallowed. His dog ears drooped.

False: …is H back home?

Ren: no

False: Pete isn’t back too

Ren: they’re vault hunting today

False: yeah but it’s past 11pm and they haven’t even sent a message, it’s seriously not like them

Ren: Geez!

Ren: I have a bad feeling my dudes…

False: …

False: This can’t be anything good.

Ren: I know.

“ISKALL! MATE! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!!”

“BRO, THE DOG IS AT THE DOOR! OPEN THE FREAK UP!”

A very exhausted and annoyed Iskall slammed the door open. “Hallo? Dylan, is that you?”

Ren and False pierced him with identical glares. “Where is Pete?!” False exclaimed at the same time Ren boomed,” Where is H?!”

Iskall rubbed his eyes. “Why are you asking me?”

“Because you’re in charge of Vault Hunters!” Ren hollered. “Bro, I love your face but you have to take responsibility!!”

“You don’t love my face. You love Martyn,” Iskall’s tone was laced with acid. 

“We all know that,” False burst in impatiently, “so what do you know about the two hunters?”

“Where are the freaking kids? I’m going to murderize you!”

Iskall waved his hands. “Ladies, dogs, divorcees, calm down. Listen, I don’t have as much control as you think. Especially when Pete and HBomb are both qualified hunters. I don’t give them much help at this stage.”

“That’s unreasonable! Where’s your insurance policy!”

“I demand to speak to a Vault God!”

“Tell me something useful or I’ll run this sword through you!”

“Our children are freakin’ dying!”

“Geez!” Iskall scowled. “When did you two become Karens? Did you spend too much time with Grian in the BDSM Mart thing? Have trust in H and Pete; after all, they’re better at PvE than you’ll ever be.”

“Yeah, and that’s exactly why it’s worrying that they’re not back!!”

“Bro, the Vaults were scary when I was hunting them, who knows what sort of new scary stuff they have now??”

“Um.”

The bickering trio heard a cough from behind. H and Pete stood there, totally unharmed, totally nonchalant, and totally embarrassed by the hermits’ behaviour. 

“Oh, there they are,” Iskall drawled. “Good! Problem solved!! Thanks for ruining my beauty sleep! Goodbye and fuck you.” Thus Iskall slammed the door in their faces. With that, False and Ren spun to Pete and H.

False crossed her arms. “Where have you been? Why did you not text us?”

“My phone very conveniently ran out of battery,” Pete said. 

“Mine conveniently did too,” H hastily added.

It was obviously a lie, but the hermits were too tired and frustrated to interrogate. Seeing that, H spoke up.

“I-I just wanted to spend more time with Pete!!” H put on his best puppy eyes. “After all, we’ve been cruelly separated, it’s been soooo stressful for both of us, we miss each other, and it would be really nice if we could live together again—“

Ren grabbed H. False grabbed Pete. “We’re going home,” the two spat out in unison. 

“HEY! Wait!”

“Can you guys stop your stupid argument—“

“I MISS THE HERMIT HOUSE!”

“As a punishment, H, you’ll be washing the bedsheets!” Ren growled. H let out a scream so high pitched that even Iskall looked out of his window. “ANYTHING BUT THE BEDSHEETS!!” H wailed, desperate. 

“Pete, you’ll be cleaning the monkey bars and climbing ropes,” False ordered.

Pete huffed. “Why do I need to clean something that doesn’t even get used?! Only Fruitninja play on those! And now they’ve run away because of your silly fight!”

“That’s right!” H took the opportunity to chime in. “They didn’t like how loud you guys were so they got scared and left! T-this family has been completely torn apart and we want to fix it!”

“Funny how you say they don’t like loud noises when Illumina’s the one making loud noises himself,” False retorted.

“I-I mean true, but—“

Unfortunately, the hermits were stubborn and wouldn’t hear them out. Pete and H could only helplessly watch as they were dragged away in separate directions.

HBG (Hermit Befriending Gang) groupchat

Hmama: Hi fruitninja

Pete: We failed.

Hmama: Miserably.

Pete: It’s up to you two.

Fruity B: oh no

Illumina: OH NO

Hmama: Good luck! You can do it!!

Chapter Text

Fruit tied the ribbon around his and Illumina’s arms tighter. They were participating in a “three-legged, three-armed” tournament. A huge banner hung above their heads— “Fruit is right, Illumina is left.” Screams sounded from all sides as the audience cheered the competitors on.

“Don’t sweat it, we’re gonna do well!” Fruit said casually.

Illumina frowned. “I’m more worried about the impossible task the others set up for us…”

They side-eyed the hermits and co in the audience stands. Grian was currently screaming and jumping up and down. The Simmers spotted Fruitninja and waved. False and Ren were standing with all the awkwardness of teens at junior prom, with Pete and H stuffed between them. Cub was chatting with Feinberg (“Are we being replaced again?!” Illumina wailed).

Fruit shrugged. “It’s not like we can do anything at this stage. Pete and H are the ones with the hermits, not us. If anything, it’s their responsibility.”

Illumina exhaled. “You’re right. You’re right. Time to look at the Excel for the five hundredth time.”

The fingers on Illumina’s left hand flew across the keyboard as Fruit controlled the mouse with his right hand. Together, they peered at the statistics and strategies Illumina had painstakingly compiled. 

“You know what, Fruit, you’re so mechanically skilled you can probably brute force through a lot of things,” Illumina commented. 

“Too bad we can’t get the hermits back together with brute force.”

Illumina snorted. “Speedrun repairing the family, any%.”

“If only it was that easy.”

Meanwhile, Grian, like a lot of MCC viewers, was not doing a good job at dealing with his biases. “LET’S GOOOO FRUITY B!!” Grian hollered as he waved a glowing sign. “I love you Fruity B! I miss you Fruity B! Fruity B is the best! Good luck to Fruit!! And Illumina too I guess.”

“Hey,” Pete, who was next to Grian, suddenly said, “we should move to the other side to get a better view.”

False frowned. “But we’re standing on the top of the audience stands. We literally have the best view, Pete.”

“Oh. Umm.” Pete shifted. “Our view might get obstructed because of the. Uh. Rabid stans.”

False didn’t look very convinced, so Pete turned to Grian. “Hey Grian, we can see Fruit better from another spot.”

“DID SOMEONE SAY FRUITY B???” Grian shrieked. “Let’s gooo!!!”

Pete grabbed False and Grian and dragged them across the audience stands. At first, False was confused as to why Pete was so determined, but then she saw a familiar pair of dog ears and groaned.

“We should stand here!” Pete brightly declared. “Oh, HBomb, what a coincidence it is to see you here!”

“Wow! Pete!” H was struggling not to laugh. “Who would’ve known! Afternoon, False and Grian!”

“Hello,” Martyn cautiously greeted them. Ren’s tail wagged and he looked incredibly nervous.

False tersely nodded in their direction. “Hi H. Hi Martyn.” There was a sizable pause. “TheDog.”

Ren swallowed. “Symmetry.”

Pete, H, and Grian shared glances. “Where’s Cub?” False got out in an attempt at conversation.

“He ditched us to chat with other people.” Ren sadly stared at the ground. 

“Oh!” False plastered a smile on her face. “Because you know all about ditching people!”

“Alright, alright.” Pete placed a hand on False’s shoulder. “Let’s keep it together for one afternoon for Fruitninja, okay? They already have it hard enough!”

“Oh hi, you guys are standing together!” Cub was approaching them with drinks in his hand. “This is just like the old times. Nice.”

At the mention of the phrase “old times”, everybody had flashbacks to when the days were peaceful, the hermits would spoil their S tiers with golden carrots and elytras, False wasn’t holding back the urge to go on a murder spree— at least, everybody except Martyn. Martyn, who was feeling increasingly awkward, looked to the side. Ren, in an attempt to comfort him, squeezed his hand. Again, everybody noticed it but pretended not to. Cub coughed. False’s fingers itched. 

“Only a minute left!” Grian screamed, unfailingly cheerful. “WOO HOO! Let’s go, Fruitninja!”

“Yeah! Grian’s right!” H screamed. “Let’s focus on Fruitninja for now!”

The host started counting down, and the audience roared, excited. Affected by the atmosphere, even the sour look on False melted away. With their hearts leaping in their throats, the gang eagerly waited for the tournament to begin.

“Three! Two! One! GOOOO!”

Fruit and Illumina triumphantly emerged. They were the pride and joy of the hermits (and the Simmers)! They were a duo so powerful that Scott hesitated to team them up despite teaming Dream and Sapnap up! They were so in tune with each other they could pilot a single entity! They were the perfect duo!

They fell in a hole. 

Ren’s sunglasses clattered to the ground.

One of their opponents started whacking them. “SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU STUPID FRUIT!” They screamed with glee.

“DON’T CALL MY FRUITY B STUPID!” Grian hollered. 

Pete furrowed his eyebrows as Fruitninja scrambled out of the hole. “Oh. Wow. That was… unfortunate.”

“Are they… throwing?” Cub asked, mystified.

Pete and H shot each other nervous looks. “W-we never told them to do that!”

“Why would you tell them to throw?!” False demanded.

“EXACTLY!” H screeched. “Don’t blame us! We totally didn’t ask them to do something!”

“I, for one, think they look genuinely panicked,” Grian piped in. “Like, they were practicing a lot for this…”

They could hear Illumina’s screams from a distance, and Fruit yelling at him to “chill out!”. Their faces were tense and their eyebrows were furrowed.

Cub pointed in a direction. “The Simmers look like they’re gonna set fire to the entire arena. I guess they’re angry on Fruitninja’s behalf.”

Fruitninja grabbed an axe and started whacking somebody, but curiously enough, no damage was being dealt. False yanked her goggles over her eyes and squinted at Fruitninja. “What is going on, my dudes?” came Ren’s voice. “Are they missing?”

“No, they’re hitting them all right!” False exclaimed. “I dunno why the attacks don’t count. Lag?”

“WHY ARE THEY ALL GANGING UP ON FRUITNINJA?!” Grian wailed. “Like, there are three teams, and they’re all whacking them!”

Pete sighed. “They probably think Fruitninja is too strong to be left alive. An unfortunate drawback of being powerful.”

“Stuff you!” False screamed at Fruitninja’s opponents. They watched as Illumina snatched a sword from somebody. “And your stuff! You suck!”

Fruitninja, now duel wielding an axe and a sword, pounced on their enemies. Curiously enough, while they were taking damage, they weren’t dealing damage. Confused, Fruitninja switched to bows and crossbows, but the same thing happened despite it being crystal clear all their shots were landing. 

H spoke up. “I think someone’s cheating,” he declared solemnly. “As an expert in cheating-”

Pete whacked H and shut him up, while Martyn bit his lip to suppress his laughter. “At least this wasn’t as bad as Scar’s ‘expert in disability’ joke,” Grian groaned. 

False dramatically raised an eyebrow. “People are cheating? Such lame. Many fail. Stuff you!”

“STUFF YOU!” Ren echoed. He and False were furiously shaking their fists, which might’ve been more intimidating if they didn’t look like pensioners screaming at youngins to get off their lawn. 

“Ah, the many perils of being family friendly,” Cub mumbled.

H glanced at Cub. “Aren’t you also family friendly, Cub?”

Cub shrugged. “I don’t give a damn.”

H whooped. “Alright!” 

However, as the minutes passed, Fruitninja didn’t seem to be doing well at all. The cheating problem wasn’t addressed yet, which was frustrating. Fruitninja were also tilted and were noted to be underperforming, which came as a great disappointment to the audience. Just like the Lime Llamas of MCC14, the tournament was a trainwreck in slow motion. At last, the first half of the tournament was over. To everyone’s surprise, Fruitninja ranked in the bottom 25% of the participants, and the two speedrunners looked miserable and irritated. The hermits frantically tossed them potions and cake. Illumina was still screaming. Fruit whacked his head with a water bottle. 

The hermits and friends stared at the disastrous scene. Ren shifted on his feet and hunted for anything to say. “Are we gonna have a break now?”

“I’m having a breakDOWN!” False yelled. Her knuckles were white from gripping her sword tightly. 

“Don’t panic!” H boomed. “I have faith that they can bring it back! After all, Fruit’s the champion of the underdogs, and Illumina’s very good at reverse sweeps!”

“We know,” Grian, Pete, False, and Martyn deadpanned. 

“I think the organisers are talking about something.” H squinted below them. “Oh, Iskall’s there and he’s yelling at them. I’m gonna join him; be right back.”

With H gone, the others stared at each other. Grian, Cub, and Pete simultaneously decided they needed the washroom and whisked themselves away, leaving False, Martyn, and Ren behind as a very awkward trio to sort things out.

Ren rubbed his palms together. “Well! My dudes! It’s been a weird event so far!” He shot Martyn a desperate look, practically pleading for him to join in. 

“Yeah, yeah, milord! Justice must be served!” Martyn chimed in, also shooting Ren’s looks.

False scoffed. “Mate, cut the crap. Everyone’s conveniently left us so we can talk.”

Martyn instinctively shifted towards Ren. Ren clutched Martyn’s hand. False groaned. Just like the first round of MCC9 Dodgebolt, False was facing a 1v2. 

False extracted a piece of paper from her bag. “Okay, real talk. I could give less of a flip who Ren hangs out with, but what bugs me is your lack of commitment.” She shoved the paper in Ren’s face, the force knocking his sunglasses off. “Take a look at our bills!!” She yelled. “You’ve contributed two shulker boxes of diamonds ONLY!”

“B-but, that’s a lot of money—“ Martyn protested.

“Not for hermits!” False exclaimed. “I contributed four times your amount! Cub got like fifteen shulkers! You’ve been so busy with your “generic Rendog ship name enterprise” with Martyn that you ignored how much money we need for the Hermit HBG household!!”

“But,” False sniffed, “it’s fine. Apparently Grian live-streamed the divorce and he got more money that you would make in a month. Our financial problem is solved, no thanks to you, Dog.”

“Wait. He live-streamed the divorce?!”

“—Illumina broke a world record running away, and we’re all happy with that because he gets a prize money. You know what, we’ve actually been doing better since you left!” False coughed. “Anyways, it’s all water under the bridge, and I give you and Martyn my blessing,” False continued without stopping.

Martyn blinked, his mind turning as quickly as False’s did. “Why thank you!”

A relieved smile broke out on Ren’s face. “So you’re not angry at me anymore? Y-you don’t wanna kill the dog?”

False was already ignoring Ren. She grabbed Martyn’s hands and shook them solemnly. “Inthelittlewood-also-known-as-Martyn,” she said very seriously. 

“Yes?” Martyn whispered back. 

“Ren’s your responsibility now. Make sure he doesn’t feel too sad and lonely or else he’ll blow up his base. Or set himself on fire. Or display other self-destructive tendencies.” There was a pause. “I meant that literally.”

“I see…” Martyn’s face was equally as grave. “I’ll keep him company.”

“Can you guys stop talking about me like I’m not here?” Ren’s voice feebly protested. 

“Also remember to keep the back door shut because Ren left it open one night, and the house was invaded with insects,” False instructed. “Although the speedrunners liked the challenge of murdering small flying things. Was quite the family bonding activity, to be honest.”

“Got it, boss,” Martyn replied almost automatically. Ren frowned. 

“You might’ve noticed this by now, but Ren’s terrible at replying to DMs. Also, he takes too long to shower. He watches Doc’s videos in the bath. This is normal. Fragrance candles in the bath are also normal.” False sounded like she was reading a manual. 

“Err, False, can you stop—“

“Don’t worry, Ma’am Symmetry, I’ll take good care of him.” Martyn was putting on his lore voice. He shook hands with False once again, and Ren was feeling quite neglected. Maybe he should set fire to himself after all!

HBG (Hermit Befriending Gang) groupchat

Fruity B: yoo any updates 

Pete: H left, Cub and Grian and I are hiding behind this bush Grian created out of thin air with the power of terraforming

Fruity B: ooooh

Pete: So False, Ren, and Martyn are alone

Illumina: OHHHHH

Pete: wait

Pete: WAIT

Illumina: what

Pete: false n martyn are shaking hands

Fruity B: dude what

Pete: they look very serious

Pete: Ren looks sad

Fruity B: LMAOOO PLOT TWIST???

Illumina: THEY BOTH DITCHED REN?!

Fruity B: ahahahahahaha

Fruity B: GET CUCK’D!

Pete: that would be funny but also I hope NOT

Pete: uh

Pete: False is giving them her blessing.

Illumina: no more murder time…. yay?

Pete: Wait we want the hermits back together right

Pete: this feels like false and ren just solidified their separation.

Fruity B: ok fuck 

Illumina: :(

Fruity B: MCC9 BLUE BATS IS DEAD AND NEVER LIVED 

Illumina: NO MORE BIG HERMIT HOUSE

Illumina: FOREVER

Fruity B: DESPAIR. 

Illumina: SHAKING AND CRYING

Fruity B: PETE DO SOMETGINH

Illumina: this is a minecraft breakdown 

Fruity B: HELP

Illumina: SOBBING AND WEEPING

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Pete: he’s gone crazy

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Fruity B: RENDOG在RENCHANTING戰役中CHEATING得到Scandal

Pete: w

Pete: fruity b this is grain 

Pete: *GRIAN

Pete: petes thrown his phone away, so i picked it up to kindly tell you to STOP

Fruity B: :O

Fruity B: :[

Fruity B: sorry grian ;-;

Pete: it’s okay :]

Fruity B: :]

Pete: got my phone back finally

Hmama: What the HELL happened while I was gone

False and Martyn were actually having a mature discussion. Ren was standing there and being the eye candy of the group— just kidding, he just couldn’t get a word between the two sword-wielding blonds. That was the situation HBomb and Iskall barged into.

“IT HAS NOW BEEN RECVEALED!” Iskall boomed, and Ren jumped at the noise. “Some people were cheating and so the organisers banned them. Fruitninja should be safe now!!”

Ren wrinkled his nose. “Which team was cheating?”

Iskall laughed. “The team wearing Dream hoodies.”

“Are we surprised?” False commented with an air of nonchalance. Martyn wheezed and slapped False’s shoulder.

Iskall noticed that the trio were on good terms. “Oops, hope I didn’t interrupt anything. You guys are having this serious adult discussion for ONCE and I’m over here talking about cheating!”

False grinned. “Who says we aren’t talking about cheating too?”

Iskall rolled his eyes. “Very punny, False.”

“Y’know,” H piped up, “this reminds me of the time I went to the Hermit HBG house and I was like, ‘ah, I got beat up at Twitter today!’ and you guys were like ‘yes, yes, H, yes, well, maybe you should take some time to sit down in the seat to read this very beautiful novel called Lord of the Rings’—“

“Was that meant to be an imitation of Ren’s voice?” Martyn asked. 

“Ren does have a good audiobook voice.” False coughed. “Would probably make more money from that than Renchanting.”

“Falsie!” Ren looked sad again. (His puppy eyes never worked on her.)

Iskall cackled. “False’s right! Ren’s a terrible businessman.”

False patted Ren’s shoulder. “I hope Martyn has more patience for him.”

Martyn gasped. “Of course I have to! I have to deal with this old man not knowing how to turn on his microphone!”

“Guys, stop, you’re gonna tear poor Renpog’s ego to shreds!!” HBomb screeched.

Ren’s ears were drooping. “Some kind of freakin’ friends you guys are! I don’t wanna speak to any of you again! I’m returning to Fruitninja. Geez!”

After the cheaters were banned, Fruitninja’s morale rocketed. They became more bold and confident, and with their friends cheering them on, they scored more and more points. They ended up having an amazing comeback and managed to win the event. Amidst whoops and cheers, Fruitninja stepped on the stage. With Fruit’s left hand and Illumina’s right hand, they triumphantly held their trophy to the skies. The audience gazed adoringly at the winners and waited with bated breaths for their winning speech. 

Illumina tapped on the microphone. “So. Uh. Thank you to everyone for your support!”

Cheers greeted him in response, with Grian’s scream being loudest. 

Illumina’s eyes darted to the Simmers. “The road to victory isn’t easy,” he began. “When Fruit and I started preparing for this tourney, there was a… situation. I ran away, and Fruit had the choice to not follow me. He didn’t.”

Fruit leaned towards the microphone. “That’s because we’re an inseparable duo!” He declared. “We’ll stick to each other even if we have our disagreements! Our friendship triumphs whatever petty arguments we might have! I’ll always stay with Illumina. Like, can you imagine exes— sorry, ex-neighbours who always play MCC together splitting? I think the hell not!”

Fruit was as subtle as the walls in Hole in the Wall. Murmurs burst among the crowd. Illumina quickly snatched the microphone and continued, “But we must thank the guardian figures in our lives! In particular those who provided us with warm beds and (junk) food after our previous ones had a stupid and unnecessary falling out!”

Fruit was getting desperate. “Here is a gentle reminder that we miss you guys and we just want you back together again! If we can’t have the Blue Bats reunion, can we at least have this?! Thank you everyone and WE MISS THE HERMIT HBG HOUSEHOLD.”

Fruit and Illumina’s scuffed speech was met with roaring applause, with Pete and H in particular clapping the most frantically. Ren and False exchanged glances. 

“Nah,” False said.

“Not doing that,” Ren said.

So alas, despite everyone’s best efforts, Ren remained with Martyn, and False stopped caring. Their adopted speedrunners were upset, but there wasn’t much they could do—

—Until one fine morning, False walked into the MeowPop cafe.

“Hewwo cuwustomer!” H greeted, then immediately realized who he was talking to. “Oh, hey, False.”

False vaguely waved at Scar. “My usual order please.”

As False waited for her coffee, she and H chatted. “Ren said he’s going to the North to mine some high grade lapis lazuli for Renchanting,” H told her. “He left yesterday.”

False frowned. “And Martyn?”

“He’s out of town.”

“Really?! Ren’s going to the dangerous Northern Mountains alone? He can’t learn to open face cam, let alone survive out there!” False declared crossly. 

“That’s the thing! Ren did his research, and he said it’s not dangerous! See?”

False took a look. “Haitch Bomb Ninety-Four (he knew she was serious when she used his full name), that’s a flipping tweet from 2012!! These tweets have NO RELIABILITY! That’s the research Ren did?! I can’t believe that dude. There are mobs out there, and strong winds, and storms, and practically no one goes there— Ren, do you have no sense of self preservation?”

False dropped a shulker box and grabbed an elytra. She stuffed potions on her belt and yanked her goggles over her eyes. 

“False!” Scar screamed as he hurried out. “Where are you going? I just made your coffee!”

False turned, a grim expression on her face. “I’m off to save Ren’s butt again.” And without another word, she shot off.

False: Martyn.

False: when I said you had to keep Ren company, I meant it

False: maybe he’s gonna die out there lol 

False: honestly dunno why I’m still running after him

False: urgh

Chapter Text

You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand—

And I hope you die. I hope we both die.

Like a lot (if not most) of Ren’s plans, his expedition to get high-grade lapis from the mountains wasn’t going well. 

For one, the howling wind nearly blew him off his feet. The mountains were steep and Ren’s pickaxe was running dangerously low on durability. To make matters worse, it started to rain and the rocks were getting slippery. Ren squinted out of his rain-stained sunglasses (don’t ask why he was wearing sunglasses in the middle of a storm). The bag of lapis on his back was getting heavier by the minute. 

Ren really should’ve gotten someone to come with him. His strong, loyal Hand. Or his Swedish potato bro Iskall. Or his forever MCC buddy Falsie. Or Doc whom he would make beautiful babies with. Or Joel whom he actually made Among Us babies with. Or Xisuma who looked “menacing” with “chains” in his hands. 

But no, Ren was currently on his own. He paused to catch his breath, then a huge gust of wind slammed into him. Ren screamed as he was blown off. His hands desperately clung onto the edge of a cliff the way he clung to his dignity when he was a sad fisherman at the beginning of Last Life. Unfortunately, Ren’s arms were not as strong as they were in the Sands of Time fanfics. He could barely hold on, let alone pull himself up.

“HELP!” Ren hollered, but there was no reply. “Hello? Is anybody freakin’ here??” 

Ren shuddered in the cold rain and nearly lost his grip. He gulped and forced himself not to look down. If he fell, he would surely die a painful death.

“Seriously? No one’s gonna come save the Diggity Dog?! This is freakin’ unacceptable. RD.”

As if on cue, he saw a shadow swooping down from above, and Ren’s heart leapt. “Err, exsqueeze moi? Mind helping me up?”

“Rerereren!” False yelled like she always did when she got stressed during Twitch Rivals. “Hold onto my hand!”

Ren couldn’t see False, but he could see her hand stretch down. He grabbed it with both of his hands, their skin slicked with sweat and rain. 

The wind was blowing in his eyes so he squeezed them shut, False’s hand being the only thing keeping him from falling. “Sorry I can’t pull you up right now, I’ll get a strength pot—“

One of his hands slipped and he yelped at the sudden pressure on his other arm. “ME HAAAAND!” he screamed in pain. 

“Hold on for just a bit longer!” Ren could feel False shifting above him. As the strength potion took effect, False gave a huge tug and hauled Ren from over the edge. Both of them laid on the slippery rocks, panting.

“Thanks, Falsie.”

Ren’s arms were cramping and he winced. Bits of sparkly lapis fell from his bag but he couldn’t even move to pick them up. False’s elytra was dramatically flapping in the wind as she pulled a jacket over a soaked Ren. “Ren, what were you thinking when you came out here?!”

Ren parted his freezing lips to reply, but he just sneezed. “Nevermind— bet you were thinking about Martyn,” False huffed.

Ren tried to speak, he honestly did, but his consciousness was slipping away much like his attendance in MCC S2. His head lolled, and then his vision turned black.

… Ren’s eyesight must be failing him because his vision was in monochrome. Everything was in shades of black and white. False’s blonde hair looked more grey than blonde. He could feel bandages being wrapped around his arm and he blearily glanced down to see bright red seeping from his wounds. Huh.

He could tell he was indoors. False had probably constructed a nice hut out of thin air— builders could do that. 

Then frantic knocks on the door.

Ren tilted his head up as a warm glow filled the door frame. A familiar man stepped in, hair artfully messed up by the wind, rivulets of rain trickling down his cheeks. Ren let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. A muscled arm held up a torch while the other grasped onto the Red Winter Axe complete with splatters of dried blood. His eyes were sharp and intense and full of blazing concern, but that wasn’t where Ren’s attention was drawn to. No, what attracted him the most were those bright red lips standing out against the grey monochrome of the storm and the rain. They parted and—

“Milord,” Martyn choked out, reverent and sobbing.

“Me Hand.” Ren’s voice was gravelly.

“My liege!” Martyn now looked deeply apologetic.

“Laddie!” Ren made a half attempt to throw his arms around Martyn but he winced from the pain. 

“My king!” Martyn dramatically flung himself at Ren’s feet.

False coughed. “Martyn.”

Martyn blinked and looked up. “False?”

“Falsie,” Ren echoed.

“Ren,” False got out quietly. 

“Martyn.” Ren nodded, solemn. 

“Ren—“ Martyn slapped his forehead and broke out of character. “Oh my goodness, what are we doing here?! Ren, you look exactly like a wet paper bag in the rain.”

Ren sniffed, which only served to exacerbate Martyn’s statement. “How did you find me, Martyn?” he asked in a tiny voice.

Martyn looked a little confused. “You were screaming for me? Calling out ‘me hand’ and everything.”

“Oh.” Ren’s memory was a little fuzzy. Maybe he was indeed calling out for his beloved Hand. Or maybe his physical hand was actually hurting. 

“— And of course, False had texted me—“

“Wait wait wait.” That statement from Martyn jolted Ren awake like multiple bolts of lightning striking a certain copper tower. Ren looked at the decidedly monochrome False and then Martyn with his decidedly red lips. “She’s been texting you?”

False took offence. “What, like I’m not allowed to? Besides, unlike you, Martyn actually reads his DMs.”

“You slid into his DMs?” Ren almost wailed

“Nah, I’m pretty sure I texted her first before all of this, so technically I slid into her DMs,” Martyn replied, aggravatingly cheerful. 

Ren didn’t know what to say. He frowned, suddenly out of the loop. “Geez! So you two have been… fraternising behind my back!”

“At least we weren’t having a homoerotic beheading ceremony,” False quipped.

“Or a homoerotic pool party.”

“Or a homoerotic placing of a blush pixel on r/place.”

That properly shut Ren up. 

“Anyways, how are you?” Martyn asked directly. “False made it sound like you were in big trouble…”

“Yeah, he was,” False interrupted. “He was about to fall off a cliff and die.”

“Oh.” Martyn’s eyes were solemn as he knelt in front of Ren again. “Milord, I-I don’t know what I’ll do if anything ever happened to you… if you’re not in the next Life series, I think I’ll end up accidentally including you in the member list anyway…”

False rolled her eyes at the dramatics. Ren opened his mouth to speak, but ended up weakly choking. False grabbed a potion of healing and fed it to him. 

“Yeah, just stay put, you old dog.” Martyn took a step forward and affectionately ruffled Ren’s hair. He glanced at the bag of lapis next to Ren. “You’ve done enough for us.”

Ren’s eyes fluttered. “… Martyn, I don’t know if it’s just me or are your lips particularly red…”

“You’re hallucinating,” False told Ren directly. Neither Ren nor Martyn seemed to care. They were lost in their little bubble, eyes latched onto each other. 

“I love you, milord,” Martyn solemnly declared.

Ren managed a smile. “And I love you too, my Hand.”

… False didn’t bother to ask if it was /p or /r. 

“Okay,” Martyn said all business-like, “we’ll need to find a way to escape this mountain and go home safely.”

“How did you manage to come here?”

Martyn smirked. He looked aggravatingly smug. “With the power of love and lore.”

“Shouldn’t have bothered asking,” False muttered. “But yeah, I think we’re kind of lost.”

“Yeah, I was busy tracking down Ren’s voice and lost my directions on the map,” Martyn admitted. 

They then went outside to get a better bearing of their surroundings. They were both sharp and observant (“Eyes!” Martyn called out) and could recognise landforms easily. With the help of a compass, map, and some trigonometry, they managed to find their location and their way out. 

“You know, we’re pretty efficient together,” False mused.

“Yeah! We make a great team!” Martyn’s reply was almost automatic.

(They didn’t say it out loud, but they were lowkey more efficient with each other when they were each with Ren. Of course, it wasn’t as fun. And Ren had that special kind of quality that made people simply unable to abandon him.)

Their hands touched when they reached for the compass at the same time. False quickly moved away and let Martyn take it. 

“Hm,” she said.

“Hm,” he echoed. 

The two came back to see Ren with his head lowered and his doggy ears drooping. He shivered slightly in the blanket he’d wrapped around himself. “Hi guys…” Ren mumbled in a tiny, tiny voice. 

False and Martyn exchanged looks. “You look sad,” False offered just as Martyn jovially stated, “You look utterly pathetic, dude!”

“What’s cracking, my dudes?” Ren asked, but it was lacking his usual energy. 

“We figured out a way down the mountains,” Martyn said. “False’s actually really good with directions.”

“Yeah, and Martyn spotted those landmarks before I did, so he has a pretty great eyesight.”

Ren frowned. He sensed something had miraculously shifted in the air while he was gone, and he wasn’t really liking it. “Well, great! I can’t wait to get back home and resume the breeding in the basement.”

False gave Ren an odd look, then Martyn. “Ohhh, so that’s what Scar said you guys were doing.”

“Yeah, we’ll need more beds for the breeding,” Martyn commented nonchalantly. “Make it nice and comfortable.”

“Right.” While False was certainly used to the thinly veiled / accidental innuendos from her time on Hermitcraft, she was also kind of bored. “Well, let’s leave as soon as we can.”

“Whatever you say, boss,” Martyn replied automatically.

Ren blinked, then stared at False. And False, unable to resist, gave Ren a rather self-satisfied smirk. 

Ren frowned. Something didn’t seem right…

HBG (Hermit Befriending Gang) group chat

Hmama: Uh hey, anyone have updates on where Ren is?

Pete: Don't you live with him? 

Hmama: Yeah but he went off for a dangerous expedition to the mountains and apparently False is going to save his ass

Fruity B: is it a chance for the parents to be back tgt?

Hmama: She contacted Martyn though 

Illumina: oh

Hmama: …At this point I think False gets along better with Martyn than Ren?

Fruity B: hell naur three way divorce… would be funny as fuck though 

Hmama: Oh wow Ren just texted me

Hmama: they’re all safe

Fruity B: yay

Hmama: but Ren is apparently feeling sad bc Martyn and False are talking more to each other? And he feels left behind?

Hmama: LOVE LOSES. EVERYONE GO HOME

Fruity B: LMFAOOOOO THREE WAY DIVORCE LETSGO

So the trio ended up safely returning home. (False left before she could see whatever was going down in the breeding basement.) Ren recovered, Martyn tenderly took care of him, and while this was all going on, Scott released the teams for MCC 17. Which created quite the explosion. 

Naturally, Orange’s team of False, Grian, Pete, and SB sent the Rendog fans spiralling into despair, many of them screaming, “FALSE NO REN???” “WHERE IS HE” “WHERE IS THE DOG”. At least three variants of the missing dog poster meme were posted around the community. Once Purple’s team of H, Ren, Martyn, and Cub dropped, the fans were in further hysterics. Divorce jokes became popular, as were the distracted boyfriend memes. Nobody was okay. Hermitblr had been holding onto a thin string called “False and Ren participating in MCC together” and it had snapped. No one had any object permanence. Everyone was in despair. 

But when the final team dropped, everyone went insane. Fruitninja were finally allowed to team up, and they were even with their new adopted parents, the Simmers! Pink would make history. And suddenly the divorce arc seemed frivolous. 

It was in the midst of this chaos that False decided to pay a visit to Renchanting with a very specific mission in mind.  

“Okay, Ren, time to delete my contact from your phone. I can’t always save you, you know.”

Ren looked crestfallen. “But… we've done so much together! Like being neighbours! Pulling that diorite cake prank on Iskall! Saving me from the Wither! Doing illicit trades inside your eagle! Please!”

“If you’re trying to guilt trip me, it won’t work. You know I have a horrible memory; I literally don’t remember anything,” False told Ren honestly. 

“Okay, fine, but what about the future? Surely we’ll play MCC together again… right?”

“Yeah, H informed me he had a prophetic vision of us playing together with Martyn and Joel, but he also said that you’ll see Martyn in a maid dress and call him ‘very very sexy’ for no reason,” False said. 

“Well, Martyn is very very sexy,” Ren said rather unnecessarily but completely sincerely.

“Yeah, you’re not really helping your case right now. I’m leaving. Bye.”

“What about us? What about everything we’ve been through?” Ren said sadly.

“What about trust?” False retorted. 

Ren’s puppy ears were flat against his head and he sniffed. “You know I never wanted to hurt you!”

“Yeah, you didn’t really hurt me, but what about the diamonds? What about me?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Leave, I won’t really miss you. I think.” 

And before Ren could burst out singing a full rendition of High School Musical’s “Gotta Go My Own Way”, False abruptly turned and left.

“By the way, I’m winning MCC and you aren’t!” she yelled. 

“RUDE!”

“And don’t you dare stand close to me at MCC!” False threatened.

Ren was upset, but his sadness was hardening to form anger. “Like I want to! I’ll just be holding hands with Martyn the entire time!! Just like what happened in MCC 9!”

“So?? It’s not like I care?” False was almost out of the door now, but she still turned back to yell. “Go and hang out with your new emotional support blond!”

H had enough. “Guys, stop shouting! I’m gonna get a headache!”

Ren didn’t shout back, but he did turn up Britney Spears to maximum volume. “MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME!” Ren sang, surprisingly on key. “I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE! WHEN I’M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND, GIVE ME A SIGN— HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!”

H, exasperated and his eardrums hurting, speedran away. This was getting properly annoying. Perhaps he should just ask for Iskall and stay in the Vault Hunters group forever. 

Unfortunately, H failed to remember that Iskall was actually Ren’s first sassy emotional support green friend. They had a horse named ReNSkall, a whole Renskall Island, and their first conversation was about exfoliating while bathing. Not to mention they had multiple podcasts in which Ren eagerly declared he was beginning to understand “the joy of the nut” (whatever that meant). 

So actually, Iskall was the first victim in a long line of Rendog partners. 

And while False had just been “replaced”, she definitely wouldn’t be the last victim.

MCC 17 was soon approaching, and team practice was in full swing. Orange took advantage of the fancy equipment at the empty Hermit HBG household. Purple were hanging out at Renchanting. Fruit and Illumina were speedrunning in the streets and practising with the Simmers. It felt like the pieces were finally falling into place. People stopped childishly sniping at each other. Ren and Martyn continued to make innuendos. H continued to suffer. The divorce trio were now quite amiable to each other. 

MCC 17 was a spectacular event with Orange and Pink facing each other in Dodgebolt (even if it made for a semi-awkward family reunion). The Purple Pandas became mega fans of False. And when Grian finally won MCC, everybody cheered, even those who’d been supporting Pink. Everyone knew of Grian’s long and winding MCC journey, and now he’d finally succeeded. Needless to say, the fantastic Dodgebolt between Pink and Orange mended all the bonds that had been strained post-divorce. Everyone was happy for each other. As Orange and Pink laughed and shared drinks, Purple decided to go celebrate with them too.

Martyn remembered it was late at night, and the dark MCC lobby was lit up with fiery torches. Martyn was familiar with fire— he’d been burned, used fire as a weapon, had frantically ran to put it out when a certain self-deprecating person decided to set fire to his tower. And now fire was the backdrop to the epic resolution of MCC 17 (and perhaps the whole divorce arc). 

“Let’s go to see the others!” H declared. He and Cub were already walking towards the podium, Martyn hot on their heels. But then Martyn noticed someone wasn’t following him. He reached out a hand.

“Ren, are you coming?”

Ren had been staring at his phone with an indecipherable expression, and now he looked up at Martyn. 

“Sorry, dude, I’ve got stuff to do after this. It’s a… business meeting.”

Martyn frowned, but only slightly. “Right.” A business meeting… Martyn felt like he had heard that before.

“I’ll see you at Renchanting then?” Martyn asked. He didn’t know why it sounded like a test. He didn’t like how he was acting cautious and suspicious. 

“Yeah, of course.” Ren smiled at Martyn, a soft and gentle smile, but half of his face was hidden by the shadows. 

Martyn dropped his hand. Ren hadn’t taken it. 

As the other MCC participants walked towards the podium, Ren went against the current. Ren passed by torches that illuminated his figure briefly, then he disappeared in the darkness. Martyn watched him the way a lighthouse watched ships in the murky seas. In this fashion, Martyn let Ren go.

“Was it you mid the fire and the ember? Were you there to bedevil and beguile?”

The fire cast strange, dramatic shadows on Ren’s face. Sometimes he looked happy, then sad, then guilty, then no expression at all. And Martyn merely watched. 

“See your face wasn’t quite as I remember, but I know that wicked shape to your smile…”

Martyn turned, and suddenly realized False was watching them. She was standing there stoically, her hair flying in the wind. At first, the flickering flames made it look like she was triumphant— because Martyn was also feeling the sting of suspicion, the same as False had experienced. Perhaps it was payback. But then she shifted, and Martyn saw something else. A grim look, half-sad, half-pitiful. This was the look she directed to him. And Martyn didn’t like it all.

Martyn whipped his head, but Ren was long gone. Something (someone) had taken him. What was he doing? When would he return?

The flames lit up the night. Fireworks exploded in the sky. And strangely enough, Martyn felt nothing. The cold wind whistled past his ears, treacherously whispering,

“Where is your rider? Where is your rider?”

Chapter Text

After MCC 17, everyone was more or less getting along. Fruitninja occasionally returned for dinner. Ren came by to offer his congratulations. The hermits started gifting golden carrots and elytras again, and the kids instinctively picked up the chores. Cub built a new parkour venue just because (“Parkour? Parkour.”). Slowly but surely, the Hermit HBG household took shape again.

All Stars came around, bringing a reconciliation of the MCC 9 Blue Bats. Ren and False were amiable now anyways. It was chaotic and a bit scuffed (Survival Games were removed from the roster, and they couldn’t even try to have a repeat of their Survival Games domination). Grid Runners felt like a family reunion with Fruit’s sudden inability to whack people with golf clubs. They were all laughing so much that they could barely move. And when Ren declared, “I still think fondly of the Blue Bats”, he meant it. 

HBomb’s prophesized MCC team of False, Ren, Martyn, and Joel came in winter and they were all dressed as the Mint Maids. Martyn and False continued to be strangely efficient, Ren enthusiastically made comments about Martyn’s maid outfit, and Joel’s connections with everyone kept him from being the fourth wheel. The team was chaotically British and they ended up having a great time. The year ended with a bang.

Everyone was happy. And life was peaceful.

Or so it seemed.

Because Martyn could sense that Ren was spending more and more time away from Renchanting. He left early and returned late. At first, Martyn ignored it because he loved and trusted his liege, but the consistent behaviour was making him doubt Ren. And like a suspicious housewife, Martyn began to prod around. 

Where was Ren going? Was it merely for business as he’d said? Was Ren hiding from him? And if he was, then what was he hiding?

Martyn didn’t like it one bit. So he decided to follow the footsteps of his good friend BigB— whoops, Terry— and go undercover. And snoop around. 

Martyn rummaged through the pile of papers on top of the enchanting table. A leaflet about Bdubs’ hair salon (with an extra note about dog ears), MCC sign up forms (with no mention of False, Martyn realised gleefully), expired reputation points from Scar, Weetabix boxes, fanart… nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There was one particular fanart of Martyn putting out Ren’s flames during Last Life, and it contained enough homoromantic tension that Martyn pocketed it. 

A piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Martyn picked it up. On it was unfamiliar handwriting. As Martyn read the words, his betrayed heart turned cold and the world wobbled underneath his feet. (This was coincidentally what Cleo felt when Martyn pushed her off a bridge that one time.)

“Hey Ren ;)

Would love to see you in the special clothes I sent you :) I know they might be a bit embarrassing but we need it for our… ritual ;) 

The G.O.A.T. eagerly awaits our next meeting. Do not disappoint me. To be fair, you have been satisfactory for our past few meetings. Lol. 

- D”

Horror and shock crashed over Martyn like an unpleasant version of being assaulted by Maidtyn fanart on Tumblr. So Ren was indeed cheating on him! And what monstrosity was this person making Ren wear?? And more importantly, who the fuck was the G.O.A.T.???

Martyn took deep breaths. This was fine! This was absolutely fine! Martyn was an independent survivalist gaslighter who could do things just fine on his own! In fact, he could probably do things better when he was on his own! 

And maybe this was a misunderstanding! Because Ren would totally never leave him behind! They were best buddies forever! Hand and King! Martyn and Ren were a constant in the Life series, much like how False and Ren were a constant in MCC—

Fuck. 

Martyn had ruined that. 

And now someone else would ruin it for Martyn. 

With trembling hands, Martyn lifted the note to his nose. It smelled like… gunpowder and grass, weirdly enough? No hints there. And Martyn wasn’t keen on sniffing some note that Ren’s affair partner (?) had written. Blegh. 

Martyn could probably scour the entire server and beyond for this mysterious person that Ren was apparently hooking up with, but he didn’t really feel up to it. Hence, Martyn picked up his phone and did the next best thing— which was to text Grian.

Martyn: Hey Grian I can trust you right

Grian: of course 

Martyn: Keep this a secret

Grian: most definitely 

Martyn: do you know of anyone who calls themself the Goat and has a name that starts with the letter D

Grian: That’s probably Doc?

Grian: Docm77

Grian: the guy with the biggest hole on hermitcraft

Grian: and we all contributed to filling it up

Martyn: Oh.

Martyn: Thanks.

Grian: why did you ask?

Martyn: no reason lol

Grian: lol

Grian: don’t tell me you also blew up his diamond bore machine 

Martyn: There’s a What and you did What

Grian: just don’t touch doc’s diamonds or you’ll accidentally start a war

Martyn: Huh. 

Martyn: I’m more concerned about who Doc is touching, not what.

Martyn: remember to keep this a secret

Grian understood the situation instantaneously. Two seconds later, he clicked on a friend’s contact, internally screaming.

Grian: HELP Martyn just asked about Doc 

False: ???

Grian: he’s about to discover #SHIPrendoc

False: Rip to Martyn but he’s already lost :P

Grian: Looks like Martyn is gonna get demolished in the way Scar and I got him at Dogwarts ahaha

False: Ren is joining the war against Treebark on the side of Rendoc 

Grian: Doc is to Ren what Ren is to Martyn. This will end spectacularly and we’RE GONNA MAKE SO MUCH MONEY FROM LIVESTREAMING IT WOOHOO

So. Docm77.

Martyn needed to do serious and verified research on this guy, so naturally he opened up Twitter. As Martyn scrolled through tweet after tweet, his eyes widened in horror and fascination. Bombs were exploding in his ears. Doc’s tweets spun in his mind, teasing and taunting and feverish and sometimes downright crazy. 

The emojis. The “lol”s. The goat. Hermatrix. Hivemind. Tomatoes. Octagon. And Ren. 

It got worse. With every tweet Martyn read, it got worse. (But to be fair to Doc, that was the average Twitter experience.)

Martyn did not need to know details about Doc’s most private of areas (as Ren would put it). And Martyn really did not need to know how penetrable the impenetrable vault was (it was “at least 20cm”). 

Why was Doc making out with someone’s father? And why was Doc described as “he’s got a tongue like an electric eel and he likes the taste of a man’s tonsils”?? Should Martyn be concerned? Impressed? Or something else entirely?? 

Martyn scrolled down. So Doc invented a breastfeeding contraption and put it on himself. Moving on swiftly—

“Day 1 at the nude spa. I won.” Great! Totally unnecessary information! Totally didn’t matter that Martyn was called Littlewood!

Martyn felt like he was going crazy. What the actual fuck was Ren doing behind his back? Nothing about this seemed innocent. And what sort of …beast was this Docm77?!

Martyn had no other option. He had to see this Doc fella for himself. He was too invested. So when Ren left the house, Martyn followed him, because even when Martyn was an “unguided hand”, the compass in his heart still pointed towards Ren (like it always did). 

Martyn hid in the shadows, mercifully did not fart, and carefully approached Ren and Doc’s meeting spot. It was a huge structure made from deepslate and copper, and named the “Octagon”. Martyn frowned. Okay, that name sounded cooler than Renchanting, but Martyn was the one who came up with Renchanting, so he would defend it with his dying breath. Martyn had never left Dogwarts to the extent that he would build those cobblestone walls no matter where he went, even if he was on New Life SMP (not to be confused with a new Life SMP). 

The mysterious Doc emerged from the shadows, and suddenly, Martyn wasn’t confused anymore. Like literally everyone Ren was crazy about, Doc had a green colour scheme. He had goat horns, which Ren probably liked because he was a furry. He had prosthetics and one eye glowed a bright red in the dark, casting alluring shadows over his figure. And he admittedly had a handsome face. 

… Wait, what was Martyn supposed to be doing here again? 

Doc chuckled. He had a nice chuckle. “Hey, Ren.”

Ren grinned at Doc, and jealousy once again gnawed at Martyn’s heart. “Doc! What’s up, my brother from another sapling!”

“Heh. What did you think about the clothes I sent you for our secret ritual?”

Ren gulped. “Umm, to be honest, Doc, I don’t like them very much. That goat cultist outfit makes my head look bald.”

Martyn blinked. Goat cultist outfit? What the fuck was that?

“Anyways, I got us other outfits,” Ren said cheerfully, and he pulled them out from his bag. “Look at these sniffer onesies! Aren’t they adorable?”

Doc and Martyn were both flabbergasted. “What do we even need those for?” Doc asked.

“Not gonna lie, Doc, the Hermatrix is kind of outdated in this economy. I know we started meeting up for Octagon business purposes, but we’ve moved beyond that. But we can avenge your filled hole with a new scheme!”

And just like that, Martyn’s heart cracked. Ren basically confirmed the affair. He just said this was more than a business meeting. And Martyn couldn’t help but think that Ren was doing much more with Doc than he ever did with Martyn. Like, Ren never offered sniffer onesies to Martyn… not that he wanted to wear them.

Doc seemed amused. “I’m all ears, Ren.”

“We can breed sniffer babies,” Ren declared, “so we can use the noise to cover up our traces when we spy on those Buttercups.”

Martyn had zero idea what was going on. What was a Buttercup? And what was up with Doc’s gigantic hole??

“We can camouflage ourselves with the sniffer onesies! No one would ever be able to tell the difference!”

Doc seemed to consider it. “But the sniffers are huge, dude. Won’t we look extra small compared to the real sniffers?”

Ren grinned proudly. “Not to worry, my dude! We’ll dress up as a single sniffer together! I’ll be the sniffer’s head, and you’ll be the bottom!”

The resulting silence was suddenly very loud. Martyn stuffed a fist in his mouth to stop himself from screaming. Even Doc was taken aback. “Dude, what the heck?! I-I don’t want to be the bottom!”

Ren’s eyes were pleading. “Please, Doc? For me? I did so much for you!”

This situation was both heartbreaking and hilarious. Martyn didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Ren’s complete betrayal came as a surprise to Martyn. Martyn had always thought that he would be the one to backstab Ren. After all, he'd always planned to betray Ren from day one. (Ignoring how the betrayal wasn’t in the room with him right now.)

Seeing Doc’s hesitation, Ren continued with his grand speech to flatter Doc. “C’mon, Doc! You’re my favourite! Have my puppies! You are the most handsome hermit of all the hermits! There is no doubt! Everyone knows it! Also the smartest! And did I say handsomenest? Because both!”

Doc shifted uneasily. The flattery was working. Unfortunately for Doc, he had a soft spot for Ren. People’s first impression of them was that Doc was the intimidating one, but then it became obvious that it was the exact opposite, and Ren had too much control over Doc. Ren was always Doc’s exception, and Doc would do the most insane shit for his little chihuahua watchdog. 

Doc laughed. “Well, since you made those sniffer outfits already, I guess I’ll do it.”

Ren’s eyes were shining like Castiel in that infamous Destiel meme. “I love you!” he declared passionately, emotional tears streaming down his cheeks.

Doc’s reply was nonchalant, yet fond. “Of course. Tell me something new?”

Doc’s reply completely shattered Martyn. The man was too stunned to speak. This was the power of the Doc Martens shoe brand! And it turned out “I love you” really was the worst thing that he’d ever heard. 

Martyn’s lip wobbled as he stared at the scene in front of him. Ren loved Doc. Ren left Martyn behind. What would Martyn do now that the homoerotic center of his narrative was gone? Include him in the namelist anyway? Tie his red scarf around his waist? Do an hour long lore stream about how much he missed Ren and was never the same afterwards? Talk about how “Third Life never ended for me”? What now? What could he do other than to join the crazy Renchanting fans on Tumblr? 

Martyn couldn’t bear to see whatever the fuck Ren and Doc were doing. He sorrowfully turned away. A single tear slid down his cheek and shattered his very soul. Martyn had said he was going to betray Ren from the start, so why was he crying like a bitch? And why did his soul shatter when Ren left him? Did “you and me, together forever” mean nothing at all to Ren?

This was fine. This was fine! Martyn didn’t need Ren anyway! He could do his gaslight gatekeep girlboss stuff on his own! Martyn’s vision was now blurry with tears. It felt like he was right where he’d been left at Dogwarts. Everybody moved on but he stayed there.

But of course, Martyn wasn’t a soggy wet pathetic scrunkly like Ren was (or, coincidentally, like False was). He still had his survival instincts, and that came in the form of pettiness. Martyn lurked around, dug into Doc’s belongings, and took out a single shimmering diamond. Through his tears, Martyn smirked. As stupid as it might seem, this was his revenge. Doc stole Ren away, hence Martyn would steal from Doc. It was only fair.

So with Doc’s diamond safely hidden in his pocket, Martyn fled. The chilly night wind was like a knife against his tear-stained cheeks. Maybe the fans were right— he’d never reached spring, and he was stuck in an eternal winter. 

Martyn didn’t know what to do. So instead of sending a text to Ren or doing literally anything reasonable, Martyn logged on Tumblr at 7:32am and wrote a quick drabble about him and Ren. It ended with “luck be with ye…. hand.” Naturally, Trafficblr exploded. Martyn’s notes were filled with people screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM” and “WHY IS HE WRITING FANFIC”. It got to the point that even Martyn’s thumbnail artist saw it. The drabble got 2k notes. Martyn returned to it, added a sneaky “trafficblr” tag to the previously untagged post, and it surged up to over 3k notes. This was a normal day for Trafficblr and Martyn. 

And that was it. The end of Renchanting. It began with a bang, but it ended with scarcely a whimper.

Martyn was coping extremely well. That meant he went on Tumblr and reblogged fanart of Ren tenderly kissing his forehead. His fans called his Tumblr post a “gayass little drabble”. He also watched animatics of him and Ren and sadly murmured “my liege.”

Time wouldn’t fly, and it was like Martyn was paralysed by it. He would like to be his old self again, but he was still trying to find it. After plaid shirt days and nights when Ren made Martyn his own, now Ren mailed him back his things, and Martyn walked home alone.

But Martyn kept his old scarf from that very first week, because it reminded him of innocence and it smelled like Ren. He couldn’t get rid of it, because he remembered it all too well.

But thankfully for Martyn’s sanity, before more Taylor Swift lyrics could describe what a real fucking legacy Ren left on Martyn, he bumped into a certain someone who could understand what he was going through. 

(But it was only a partial understanding though, because no one was as irreversibly changed by Ren as Martyn was.)

False knew something was wrong when she went to get groceries and saw a red-eyed Martyn hopelessly clinging onto Rendog™ merch (read: the Red Winter scarf). She awkwardly approached him. “Hi.”

Martyn looked like a ghost. An unguided hand. A very sad looking block of ice. A depressed blue glowstick. His eyes were puffy. False suddenly felt a sense of solidarity with him.

“Ren left you too, didn’t he?”

A barely perceptible nod. Martyn’s lips parted. “He… he told Doc that he loved him,” he whispered.

False was not remotely surprised, but she patted Martyn’s back. “There, there,” she soothed. “It’s gonna be alright. You’ll be fine without him. Better, even.”

“Excuse me,” snipped a particularly irritated customer at the build mart, “you’re blocking my way. Are you guys gonna get in line?”

Martyn burst into tears. “That’s what he said!!”

False ushered Martyn to the cashier, helped him pay for his items, and invited him home for a nice cup of tea.

“Okay,” False said, who was getting more nosy than she was concerned, “Spill.”

Martyn obliged her immediately. “Ren left me for Doc!” he cried in anguish. “They were even making babies together!”

False held up a hand. “Yeah, stop, I do not want to hear about that. But honestly, that’s typical of Ren. He goes around and does that to everyone because that’s just the way he is.”

Martyn slumped. “But I thought we were special. Like, it was never the same after Third Life.”

“To Ren, everyone’s special in their own way. Although, to be fair, there’s not much that can beat Rendoc. Those two are crazy. Like, they’re even called Heterosexual Life Partners on the TV Tropes page for Hermitcraft.”

Martyn sighed. “Yeah, I’m no match for the twinning #SHIPrendoc YouTube comments. Like, the most I did was to acknowledge the existence of Treebark when it was coincidentally the first day of Treebark Week. And I liked a post about the Treebark Ao3 tag being on Twitter. And I reblogged a post that said I was ‘in love with my boss’. And I also said the words “Treebark Week” on stream. And I wrote a 50 word drabble of an AU of me and Ren being the last two in Third Life. And Rendoc still won. Man, what more can I say?”

There was an awed silence. 

“Well,” False said. “Congrats buddy, that’s the worst anyone’s ever done it.”

Martyn looked at her nervously. “Is it really?”

“I mean, none of us have been fundamentally changed for the worse,” False said, whose Twitch chat obligatorily mentioned Ren every time she was in MCC without him. “And I’m pretty sure none of us carry around Rendog memorabilia.” 

Martyn tilted his head. “You literally have Ren’s Gigapick proudly displayed in a glass cabinet behind you,” he pointed out. 

False turned. The shiny enchanted Gigapick hung on the wall, with Ren’s name engraved on the handle. She always kept trinkets from her friends to remember special events, and she’d randomly stuffed a bunch of them in a cabinet. And Ren’s pick happened to be big. So it made for a nice centrepiece. (The name “Gigapick” was lame though, considering she named her pickaxes after different textures of peanut butter.)

“Oh. I stole it from him, so it doesn’t count,” False replied loftily. 

Martyn spluttered, “You stole from my liege—“

“Well, technically, it’s not stealing if you’re not caught. Don’t tell me you won’t do the same.”

Martyn opened his mouth, then shut it. His hand shifted against the stolen diamond from Doc hidden in his pocket. His mood brightened considerably when he realised they both liked stealing things. “Okay yeah, you’re right,” he admitted. 

“I’m always right,” False quipped drily, but continued. “Cheer up, Martyn. Ren’s… always been kind of bad at this.”

Martyn squinted at False. “You don’t have to put him down to make me feel better.”

Whoops, because that was exactly what False was doing. “Anyways, for example, Ren doesn’t know how to give gifts.”

Martyn thought about the Red Winter Axe that changed the trajectory of his life and the Red Winter banner he still had around his waist. “What gifts?”

“For starters, he tried to give me a flower once. Or twice. Or many times. I don’t remember because I don’t really care.”

Martyn felt a stab of jealousy in his heart. Had Ren ever given him flowers? He kinda wanted to get flowers from Ren too. “What flower?”

“Uh, I don’t remember. A red poppy, maybe?”

Now Martyn felt downright nauseous. He was having a lot of flashbacks to the Flower Husbands. “Well, alright,” he mumbled grumpily. “What did you do with the flower then?”

“I tried to eat it from his hands,” False said without missing a beat.

Martyn blinked, his mind stuttering to catch up. “You… what?”

“And he didn’t give me the flower because I wanted to eat it.”

“Oh.”

“Then he tried giving me a nether star,” False continued, perfectly nonchalant.

Martyn already had a bad feeling. “… What did you do then?”

“I threw it back to him. He missed the catch. The tip of the nether star got chipped but it’s no big deal.”

Oh, because having one defective nether star totally wasn’t a big deal in the ludicrously rich world of Hermitcraft. Martyn cleared his throat. 

“I think that says more about your inability to receive Ren’s gifts than Ren’s inability to give gifts.”

“Oh, but he’s bad at receiving gifts too. Didn’t you try to give him some netherwart at the start of Last Life?”

Martyn eyed False. “Yeah. It was— I wanted to show him I still cared, y’know. Help another, never doubt. And it was somewhat of a reference to our Dogwarts faction and the netherwart we grew there.”

“Yeah, that’s great and all that, but wasn’t Ren completely oblivious to the gift? He said the wart just appeared in his inventory randomly.”

“How do you even know that? You weren’t there.”

“Well, you’re not the only one who goes on Tumblr,” False said cryptically. “Regardless, the point is: Ren is bad at all of this.”

Martyn nodded slowly. “We’re everything; he’s just Ren.”

“Exactly.” False seemed pleased that Martyn was finally getting it. “So don’t sweat it.”

“Ren was always talking about sweating,” Martyn moaned. “Sweating in places that he shouldn’t be sweating in.”

“Martyn—”

“He used to call me that,” Martyn said, a little sadly.

“That’s because it’s your name.” False wasn’t really exasperated, she was more amused. “You can’t let everything remind you of him.”

“That’s probably good advice,” Martyn said, like he hadn’t dedicated half of his Limited Life lore to Ren and how devastated he was when Ren left him and how the lack of Ren meant he received less comfort and how he was permanently made more selfish after the loss of Ren.

“Anyways,” False said, “would you like to join the ‘Fuck Rendog’ group? We gather around to say a huge ‘fuck you’ to that stupid dog.”

Martyn chuckled. He wasn’t sure how False managed to cheer him up, but she did, and he was glad for it. “That’s quite funny, but no thanks. Enough about me, how have you been lately?”

False shrugged. “I’ve been doing just fine.”

“Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all,” Martyn couldn’t help but chime in. The pull of Mr Brightside, especially on British people, was irresistible. “It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this…”

And with that, Martyn was unfortunately reminded of Ren again. False tried not to roll her eyes. “Go and take your moping elsewhere. Reblog some fanart on Tumblr or whatever.”

Martyn stared at False. “Wait, you’re on Tumblr too?”

“Yup, of course, I just told you. And Tumblr is literally how this crazy saga started.” A pause. “Both in-universe and out of it.”

“It’s unfair that you’re the one using the fourth-wall breaking quota, not me,” Martyn complained.

“What can I say? As someone’s MCC main, I get special privileges.”

“Great, now I miss Ren in MCC.”

False sighed and put her head in her hands. “Great, because now you’ve also reminded me of it. My chat misses him and now I miss him too. But it’s fine, because at least we won together, and our whole gimmick isn’t placing in the middle of any competitive event like a bunch of losing dogs.”

Martyn gasped, affronted. “Dude, that was uncalled for!”

“Sorry, sorry.” False patted Martyn’s shoulder. “Just couldn’t resist.”

So Ren did the Octagon and the Hermatrix with Doc. And just as quickly, Ren was absorbed into the #Gigaverse and cozied up with Cub to bake Gigapies. Then in a blink of an eye, Ren was doing Gigalogs with his log daddy Keralis. A few months later, Ren had declared himself King of Hermitcraft with the tiniest crown possible and left Bdubs hopelessly devoted to him. After that, Ren and Scar became space alien pirates and Ren asked if he could make babies with Scar and if Scar could kiss him (in that order). 

Then Ren drifted back to False (or rather, she approached him) and they did a few collabs. Then Ren gave birth to an endermite named Dennis (midwifed by Gem) and Iskall stole his child. Dennis would grow up to be a doctor and masseuse and had a dexterous mouth. Iskall accidentally called himself IskallMA. It was just a normal day on the Hermitcraft server. When Cub asked what had happened, Gem replied with “Ren happened”. And to Cub, that explained everything. 

Unlike King Ren’s reign, the members of the Hermit HBG household had expanded significantly. As MCCs went on, more people were added, and hence more people became friends. Soon, the big hermit house was packed with people. After MCC, they would all gather to chat and have a great time. 

Pete and Grian were having an enthusiastic discussion about Build Mart, while Fruit teased H about being a pensioner and being stuck at the retirement home. Cub and Illumina were chatting about speedrunning and Cub displayed an interest in MCSR’s events. Etho and Gem were comparing the size of their decks and their key luck in Decked Out 2. Scar was annoying everyone (Grian, in particular) by talking about a “dong” (it was meant to be Grian’s gong). Bdubs was smiling and waving at everyone like he was a celebrity passing by in a car. H got really excited that he was finally adding Impulse to his hermit collection. Cleo and Martyn sent bombastic side eyes at each other. False and Pearl complimented each other on the scuffed MCC outfits they made. 

Ren lurked outside of the Hermit HBG household and he wistfully gazed at the warm light coming in from the windows. Even though it had been more than a year since he was in MCC, he was sure his friends would still welcome him. So why was Ren afraid? 

Ren took one step closer, then another. He had been so bad at getting over MCC 9 Blue Bats that he’d put on his All Stars skin for a Decked Out 2 run (he’d failed miserably, but let’s not talk about that). Of course he still thought of the Blue Bats fondly. Of course he missed being in MCC. 

The victory from so long ago lingered like a tattoo kiss and haunted all of his what-ifs. He wondered if his friends cursed him for the longest time and chased his shadow in the grocery line, but in the end, they probably knew Ren would miss them once the thrill of being with new people expired. Ren always did. He loved his friends to the point he couldn’t choose to stay with a single person only. Yes, so maybe he was a “cheater”, but he always came back without fail. 

MCC. Blue Bats. Hermitcraft. Renchanting. Octagon. Gigapies. Gigalogs. And so much more. Perhaps Ren was greedy, but he wanted all of those. He missed everyone, so why couldn’t he have everyone? Why couldn’t he have it all?

So Ren cautiously approached the front porch of the Hermit HBG household. A huge “Welcome home cheater” banner was draped over the doorway. Ren didn’t dare to look at anyone through the window, but he was sure they were all aware of his presence. 

And so he stood there, the divorcee, the deadbeat dad, the dog at the door. He raised his fist, and for the first time in forever, he knocked. 

It was time for Ren to come home.