Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The problem began with the copy of Fruits Basket that Rose alchemized. No, not the old version from 2001. The apparent remake from the new session. Y'know, from the Earth that was evidently terminal a lot later in life than yours was. A genius example of correlation without causation.

You don't really think of that Earth as your Earth, mostly because you're bitter the other Earth got to see all of Obama's presidency and you're all kinds of jealous about it. Or because everytime you think about the fact that there are two Earths, you feel the existential dread of being a outdated pop culture reference kick in and you remember that there are, actual, non-ghosty, living human beings that have outlived you by literal centuries. But good for them. At the end of the day, Alpha outlived Beta and got an objectively better remake of a 2001 anime you vaguely heard about once from Jade.

Of course, the only logical course of action was to resort to watching all of it with Karkat, because when Rose managed to alchemize the DVD series in her attempt to get closer to the secrets of alchemizing actual fruit (and one step closer to sweet, delicious, sacred apple juice), Karkat jumped on the opportunity to fully analyze the piece of media with his own romantic prowess. You agreed to watch with him because, well, it's Karkat and he's your bro and you're so damn bored. The meteor, as novel as it is to live in a bunch of weird labs full of dead shit, is boring as fuck.

Karkat's overall review of it is mixed. From what you gathered from his ramblings about it is that he finds the premise to be varying degrees of uncomfortable, given that the animals look too much like his and his friend's parents. You guess you can understand that. If you turned into a miniaturized version of your dad every time someone hugged you, you uh– you might be kind of uncomfortable. Wow. That thought threw you for such a massive loop you almost felt dizzy from thinking about it.

Back on topic. What were you talking about? Oh right, the TV show. Karkat did enjoy the romance. He said something about it being the perfect demonstration of the quadrant system, with Tohru being an absolute quadrant harlot (even if you know she's his favorite, the sap.) The whole quadrant mess still hasn't clicked in your head yet, but Rose seems to agree with him wholeheartedly. You'll just trust her judgement, especially since you're not as invested in the show, even if it is, to your amusement, one step away from the yifftrain.

Though for the record, your favorite character is Kyo, because he reminds you of a certain shouty troll you happen to hang out with a lot.

Anyway, you had no plans of using the DVD copy for anything other than yours and Karkat's own rom-com fuelled entertainment. At least, not until you craved apple juice one very restless and aj-less evening.

God how you miss that drink. As soon as you find your captcha camera and an empty bottle in a dream bubble, you're gonna get that damn code and imbibe like the wind.

That isn't the point, though. The point is that you fucked up. You're cool enough to admit that you might've possibly made a huge mistake, a mistake you even considered using your time powers to fix but…you'll be honest, you're not so sure if you'd be risking something big in the timeline by doing that. You're not exactly rearing to gear up with your timetables and find out the hard way either.

What did you do exactly? Why, listen to your tale of woe about how you decided to alchemize a bunch of shit with the Fruits Basket DVD to try to make AJ (it literally says fruits in the name, it's not a stretch okay?) because you're an impatient fuck and didn't want to wait for Rose to figure things out for you. You didn't even get close to making the damn juice either, which is arguably the worst part of this entire situation. SKAIA is it's own personal hell.

You did make some cool stuff with that DVD, though. Particularly a lot of merch, which then gave you the inexplicable urge to SBAHJ-ify the DVD. The series is now a masterpiece and the next time you and Karkat rewatch all of it, you're going to switch out the original copy for "shit. lets be animals" to see if he notices.

Then, you tried making a troll version of the original anime with a copy of one of Karkat's movies he lent you. You haven't seen it yet, but you imagine Troll Fruits Basket contains just about everything Karkat wishes the original copy already had.

You also figured out how to modify your alchemiter with the DVD. Which, of course, you immediately proceeded to do with your copy of the Troll Fruits Basket because the modification looked kinda weird and you couldn't resist further investigation. Y'know, in hindsight, it's always mad science (and you're not talking about the illest of beats here) that ends up being the downfall of humans, isn't it?

By modifying the alchemiter with an && punch of your troll anime captcha card, you made...uh... a thing.

Okay, you'll be honest you still have no idea what to call it. A beam-me-up style transformationizer...thing. Good enough. You'll come up with something clever later.

Naturally, in your 3:41 AM apple juice induced craze (only technically speaking since that's not how time worked in the furthest ring), you went inside it because you wanted to see what it did. When you pushed a random button on it, you thought it wouldn't do, well, anything, because the alchemiter only worked on items.

Well, wouldn't you know it, turns out humans counted as items.

Now you've got horns. Big ones.

At least, you think you do if you've been feeling this top heavy the entire time you've been monologuing to yourself. You feel the nerves in it too, much like knowing your own limbs. 

You're a troll. You've officially anime'd yourself into a troll by messing with the alchemiter. 

Well kids, what did we learn today? Don't mess with an alchemiter or you'll be anime-transformed into an alien species. That's all for today folks! Tune in next time on, "What Not to Do With an Alchemiter," with special guests from your favorite kooky kids cartoon, Squiddles! By the way, the world ends on April 13th at exactly 4:13 PM, 612 days after this show's airing.

Okay, okay, yes you really did just gloss over the fact that you are now an entirely different species. Probably because what the fuck does that entail and god you are so nervous to find out. Sure, yeah, you're over the the initial freakout, but still this shit is so wack.

Rose can never know, she'll never let you live it down. Either that or it's more likely she'll ask to be transformed into a troll too and you're not sure what's worse considering you know she's dating Kanaya. 

Oh absolutely not. Nope. Hell no. Now you really can't let Rose find out, she's gonna be so embarrassing. 

You should call Karkat. No. Should you? You don't know. He's probably not even awake. Wait what are you saying, of course he's awake he's probably marathoning Dane Cook. You wonder how he'd react to seeing you this way. You guess he'd comment on your blood color and quadrants?

Hey, that's a good start actually. What's your blood color?

Well you sure as fuck aren't about to hurt yourself, deliberate or otherwise. No sir, not anymore those days are long gone. Besides, you think you remember grub scars being a dead give away, anyway. Your resident troll friends on the meteor have all mentioned something about them showing off blood color. Yeah, how could you possibly forget the long-winded exposition you got from Aranea about them, before you and Karkat managed to escape and promptly forgot all about it as soon as the opportunity presented itself?

You guess grub scars are as good of a way to find out as any.

You lift up your shirt and….it's red. How incredibly thrilling. You are thrilled out of your seat. The crowd goes wild in excitement and does an acrobatic pirouette off the fucking handle over the fact that literally nothing has changed about this part of your physiology.

So… your blood color is red, is that good? It's not as bright red as Karkat's blood, a feature about him you've learned the hard way through a sparring accident. But it's definitely red and it's definitely underwhelming. You like Karkat's color better.

Your body feels warmer than usual, too. And uh, stiffer in places. Oh right, their weird, thicker skin. It feels kind of shell-like? Chitinous is a word you've heard Karkat use to describe it before and you didn't get it at the time but you're pretty sure you get it now. You're tempted to touch your horns, but you don't think you're ready for that yet. Might give you a heebie. And dare you say, maybe even a jeebie. Maybe you ought to scope it out first.

Lucky for you, you're in your room and there's a mirror like, right there.

Oh. Ohhhh. That's too much, actually. Shit, there's no two ways about it, your hair is jet black in color. You have jet black hair. That is something that you have. You don't know how you feel about that. You are missing your luscious blonde locks at NASCAR levels of speed right now.

Man your horns aren't even ambiguously phallic-shaped this is the worst timeline. They're just...gear-shaped. They're pretty big like you initially thought, too, and they curl downways like a ram. You guess that's cool. It's not like you were trying to win a lottery on troll anatomy when you had literally no idea this would happen.

Okay, you had some idea this would happen. A lot of ideas that this would happen. Many context clues hinting at the fact that pushing that button would result in literally one outcome staring right in front of you. But, still, no idea.

You think you're getting more comfortable with looking in a mirror now. The initial fear and surprise of seeing your literal trollsona (is that xenophobic?) staring back at you has passed. Which is good because, gog DAMN, that is a hot piece of troll ass. You're officially now the hottest troll on the meteor. Or at least, the hottest male troll.

Karkat can be a close second. Or a tie, even. The dude's got his own set of charms, for sure. Granted, that isn't saying much when your only other competition is a religious murder clown in a fridge. Unless you count the ancestors and the ghosts. Which you do. So there.

You look around your body for some more choice observing and you settle on checking out your yellow eyes. You note that it's much easier to see behind your shades. Trolls must have some kind of fucking night vision. You guess you don't need your shades for light sensitivity anymore (being a different species and all), but you think you'll keep them on in John's honor. Whatever, eye contact has never been your forte anyway.

You're sure there's many other features that are due for exploration, but you...oh god, wait your teeth feel huge. Jegus, what is that about? You open your mouth, observing the large fangs that have replaced your usual boring ass set of teeth. They're a hell of a lot more blunted than, say, Kanaya, Terezi, or Vriska's fangs, but they're there. They're a little like Karkat's teeth. At least, from what you've seen.

Man when you see him, you gotta ask if you can look in his mouth and scope it out for comparison. You'll bet he has pretty big fangs too. You wonder what it'd be like to kiss a mouth full of teeth like that, like that's got to be difficult, right? Wait, that sounded weird. Was that weird? Not him specifically, you mean just metaphorically speaking. Or like, hypothetically. You're not...uh...

Speaking of weird, you are feeling things in places now. In a lot of places, actually. Totally irrelevant timing there. You shuffle your feet. You're just going to...wow that is moving, isn't it? You feel like you're thirteen all over again. This is all kinds of uncomfortable.

You'll just...excuse yourself. From your room and maybe go on a brisk walk in the colder parts of the meteor. Forever.

Or find Karkat, your brain supplies.

No, what the fuck why would you... oh wait yeah, for advice on dealing with being a troll. Not for...yeah. Duh. Easy.

Alright, sick, what could possibly go wrong except for quite literally everything? Like, who knows what could even happen just trying to get there, you could just not know how to use your legs and fall down the stairs like some chump that didn't fucking listen to the warnings. Or forget how to speak? Seems plausible, probably. You are known to forget language all the time.

Karkat will help, you're definitely going to his room. He's your best bro, he's got your back. Everything's gonna be great, see, Karkat is known to be really chill about things and totally doesn't freak out about situations like this, so you're good. Yup. Easy peasy. You can fix this.

God he's going to freak so hard.

Chapter Text

The walk there was not nearly as eventful as you thought it'd be. Fortunately for you, there was no tripping and falling down any flights of stairs or forgetting the English language. You are starting to get nervous, though.

You reach up to knock on his metal-slatted door (the whole meteor's got these techy doors from, like, a dystopian sci-fi novel or something and it makes you feel like you're in a star trek ripoff), and you wonder if this marks the beginning of your downward spiral of embarrassing things that have happened to you. Fuck, your horns are still so heavy on your head, it's giving you a headache. Yeah that's going to take some time getting used to. Unfortunately, not even being the god of time can help you there.

You knock once. Then twice. Then do a little knocking jingle that everyone does because you like to be insufferable. Then you just keep at it cause Karkat is probably asleep and you need to be sure he actually wakes up for this.

You hear footsteps pad up to the door.

KARKAT: WHAT.
KARKAT: WHO IS IT?
KARKAT: WAIT, DON'T ANSWER THAT. BASED ON THE KNOCKING THERE'S NO WAY THIS ISN'T DAVE.

DAVE: hey

You hear a loud sigh. And then, the sound of a door unlocking. Oh wait, no no no you're not ready yet, you gotta prime him for all this first. You slam up against the door as Karkat begins to open it.

KARKAT: OW! WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?

DAVE: wait wait hold on bro
DAVE: im serious hold on

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I'M TRYING TO LET YOU IN, IDIOT!

DAVE: i know and i appreciate it but imma need you to hold on for a fat minute

KARKAT: FOR WHAT? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED ME TO WAIT ON?
KARKAT: I...ARE YOU OKAY? IS IT AN ATTACK?

DAVE: yeah im
DAVE: haha
DAVE: im okay its not an attack just
DAVE: i fucked up

KARKAT: YOU FUCKED UP?

DAVE: i fucked up karkat stay with me

KARKAT: KIND OF HARD TO DO THAT WHEN YOU'RE BEING POINTLESSLY SECRETIVE HERE!
KARKAT: HOW'D YOU MANAGE TO FUCK UP SOMETHING THIS EARLY AT THE ASSCRACK OF WHATEVER?
KARKAT: Y'KNOW, WHEN WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING?

DAVE: its four

KARKAT: THANKS FOR THAT. DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHAT IS GOING ON?

DAVE: bro i have no fucking clue
DAVE: this shits so nuts thousands of miles away egbert is going into anaphylactic shock as we speak

KARKAT: DON'T JINX THAT.
KARKAT: ALSO, THIS CONVERSATION HAS OFFICIALLY BOARDED THE FUCKSHIT TRAIN TO NOWHERE LAND.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THIS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF I COULD JUST *SEE* YOU, RIGHT?

He starts to push on the door again and you panic.

DAVE: no no wait DONT
DAVE: please
DAVE: just give me a sec to explain myself
DAVE: something happened

KARKAT: UUUGH.

This is all very asinine and you're kind of tempted to laugh. Karkat pauses, then lets up on the door.

KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU DO?

DAVE: right so the alchemiter as it turns out has a lot of fun features to it
DAVE: and by fun i mean arguably the weirdest shit ive ever seen
DAVE: and

KARKAT: AND?

DAVE: and i messed with it

KARKAT: OKAY. SO YOU MESSED WITH THE ALCHEMITER. YOUR POINT, DAVE?

DAVE: uh and it changed some things about me
DAVE: particularly the way i look and some other things im still not used to yet

KARKAT: IT CAN DO THAT?

DAVE: as it turns out living organisms count as items it can modify

KARKAT: FUCK. REMIND ME TO NEVER MESS WITH AN ALCHEMITER AGAIN.

DAVE: yeah there wasnt even a warning label on it
DAVE: nothing like hey maybe dont touch that unless you want to change your literal biology down to the last molecule

KARKAT: JESUS, IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

DAVE: it is that bad karkat you gotta help me

KARKAT: WELL, I'D SURE AS FUCK LIKE TO HELP, DAVE, BUT I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW WHAT I'M DEALING WITH HERE, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE TOO INSECURE TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

DAVE: what no its not that im insecure im definitely still hot shit karkat
DAVE: whatever image youre thinking of me right now better be the finest specimen youve ever laid your precious peepers on okay im still as hot as lohac that hasnt changed man
DAVE: no amount of alchemiter tampering can change that its a fact of life
DAVE: a law of nature as sure as gravity

KARKAT: I SUDDENLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

DAVE: how do i say this
DAVE: shit

You should probably just bone up and tell him instead of hiding behind a door like some old-school coward. What's the worst that could happen?

DAVE: i turned myself into a troll karkat
DAVE: im troll dave

Karkat pauses, then groans out loud.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THIS IS A PRACTICAL JOKE. YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME.
KARKAT: AND I ACTUALLY ALMOST FELL FOR IT, TOO, GOD DAMMIT!

You're obviously not joking about anything, but you know he'll change his mind once he sees what you look like so you don't dispute it. You stop leaning on the door to allow Karkat through. He makes another disgruntled noise, then slowly pushes the door open.

KARKAT: SO FUNNY, DAVE, I'M SURE THE BULLSHITOMETER HAS TICKED WIDELY IN YOUR FAVOR.
KARKAT: NOW ARE YOU DONE? GO BACK TO SLEEP IT'S SO FUCKING LATE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAME ALL THIS WAY JUST TO PULL A FUCKING PRAN–AAAAAHHH!!!

Jesus, you didn't expect him to scream.

DAVE: dont act surprised i warned you about being a troll dude

Karkat is staring at you in silence. You get that he's taking it all in, but y'know, can he maybe take it all in a little faster? You've got shit to do like figuring out how the fuck you're gonna change back into a human.

DAVE: i
DAVE: are you gonna say anything

KARKAT: ***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

DAVE: i told you dog

Before you can get another word in, Karkat promptly passes out.

DAVE: OH SHIT

Not the reaction you were expecting. You probably should've expected something like that from Karkat, of all people, but still. Dude didn't even step back to break his fall he just fell backwards and slammed his head on the floor.

Wait, fuck. Is he okay?

DAVE: oh shit oh shit oh shit

You should probably do something like make sure he's not concussed. You rifle through a mental checklist of "what to do when your best bro passes out on the floor." You've got this, you used to pass out all the time after strife matches. How hard could it be?

Alright motherfucker, what's step one, then?

Step one: get him indoors.

You're already indoors. Okay, then more indoors.

You've been in Karkat's room loads of times, but never under these types of circumstances. You settle for lifting him bridal style since it's easier, and–wow either he feels lighter than usual or your arms are just on X-games mode. It's probably the fact that you're a troll now and by definition have tougher bones and skin. You guess human bodies are just, fleshier. That being said, you miss your old body by a longshot.

Once in his room, you gently set him down into his recuperacoon, taking extra care to keep his head above the slime.

Huh. Never in your life have you ever felt compelled to refer to Karkat's bed by it's actual name until now. You guess the dialect comes naturally, too. He's still relatively unconscious by the time you get him settled, so you move onto step two.

Step two: Get water.

Right, water. That is in the common room where the tap is. Where everyone hangs out at. And can see you. Very easily.

Okay, it's fine, you'll just mosey in and get the water and leave without being seen. Besides, everyone is asleep and you're practically an expert in the art of flash stepping at this point. Time is on your side with this one.

No one ever has to know about this, and that's pretty much all there is to say about that.

Chapter Text

There's got to be an easier way to get to the common room. Like this is just ridiculous. This is the fifth useless fucking puzzle you've come across in the hallways and you'll bet your ripe and juicy fucking bottom dollar that all this stupid puzzle is going to do is open the door at the end of the hallway like the other five puzzles did in the previous rooms.

DAVE: hmm gee I wonder if this very conspicuous jar of dead thing goes on the very conspicuous black tile on the floor
DAVE: in this very conspicuously empty room
DAVE: with literally NOTHING ELSE TO INTERACT WITH

You kick the jar across the floor with your strut pod, scooting it onto the black tile. Lo and behold, the door opens. Again. Like the other five times did.

DAVE: what
DAVE: how
DAVE: my eyes must be deceiving me
DAVE: who couldve guessed it would open the door in front of me
DAVE: incredible
DAVE: the meteors really outdone itself this time

You make your way into the next room, ignoring the weird lab noises in passing and the faint honking coming from the vents. You talk to yourself to pass the time cause the hallways are long and you gotta walk for a fat minute to get anywhere on this cursed space rock.

DAVE: i swear whoever makes these stupid puzzles are the same kinda motherfuckers that get their jimmies rustled whenever they see a square go into a square hole
DAVE: who on the meteor even resets these is it the murder clown
DAVE: i mean surely he has better things to do with his time than reset puzzles for infant babies who crap their pants
DAVE: you know important things like getting repeatedly locked in a fridge by vriska
DAVE: even THAT would be better than this

Come to think of it, you haven't seen Terezi or Vriska in a while. What have they been up to?

DAVE: wait fuck how did i not see it sooner
DAVE: its gotta be the sisters resetting these things theres just no way it isnt
DAVE: tz would never back down from the opportunity to fuck with karkat and i especially with vriska enabling her
DAVE: i cant believe weve been had
DAVE: thoroughly japed by the scourge sisters yet again

At the end of the room you spot a familiar transportalizer. There's a lot of transportalizers on the meteor that'll get you to the common room, but this one is currently the only one you know that will get you there safely, since most of the other ones are busted. It is also your favorite and objectively the best one because the Mayor drew on it to let everyone know that it leads to the common room. 

God, you love the Mayor so much, he's so helpful. You stop to fist bump the drawing the Mayor made of himself on the wall because it's a goddamn masterpiece.

You also kick yourself up into the air so you can get your drift on. You figure if you're trying to stealth your way around the place, why not just fly? Transportalizing while you're in the air should, in theory, reduce the amount of noise you make when you enter the room too. 

In reality, the transportalizer is just going to make a bunch of beeping sounds when it warps and give away your location immediately. Nothing you can do about that one. You decide to fly anyway, though. Mostly because floating around is really fun and you totally didn't die on a suicide mission to just not fly whenever you wanted to. Except when you jump into the air, a gigantic pair of red wings sprouts out of your back out of nowhere.

DAVE: FUCK

You see?! This is the fucking spooky shit you were talking about! Yet another fucking heeby jeeby brought on by further exploring your troll body. Magic wings, though? Seriously?

DAVE: warn a guy next time
DAVE: jeez

You stretch out your newfound set of appendages, and get adjusted to the gross autonomous movement of them on your back. Euuuugh. You vaguely remember some of the god tiered troll ghosties having wings but obviously you weren't thinking about it in the moment.

At least they're lightweight. Maybe you can just hide them under your cape and you can forget they're there? Not while you're flying around like a piece of shit glorified butterfly, you're not. Whatever. You float over the launch pad and decide to get it over with.

The transportalizer whirrs to life and sure enough, the common room is empty as you suspected it'd be. Which, y'know, good for you cause right now you're a troll with magical fucking bug wings. Just in case you've forgotten how stupid of a plot point that is.

You scan the room for good measure. It looks like the coast is clear, so you float over to the sink with the tap water. While you're at it you spy the weird pod that makes, to this day, the worst coffee you've ever had. It's so bad. You hope it never stops being the worst coffee ever, you kinda love the consistency. 

Maybe Karkat wants coffee instead of water? As you've established, it is shitty coffee. Very shitty coffee. But you know he'll still drink it if you bring it to him, he always does it to make you feel appreciated. He's sweet like that. Karkat's probably still passed out though and you're not sure if water or coffee will wake him up. Maybe you should bring him both? Water and coffee? 

You settle for both, cause why the fuck not. The weird pod is just sitting there tempting you like it always does by virtue of simply existing, so you grab a mug and start up the machine. You also pull out a crispy artifact riddled SBAHJ cup you had lying around in your sylladex to fill with water while the coffee brews. You place the cup under the tap and man that thing is so shitty, you're legitimately surprised it even holds water. 

Miraculously, it pulls through. You guess sometimes miracles DOES cause hapen. 

You stand there and contemplate the universe while the water very slowly fills the cup, mostly because the contents somehow keep clipping through the bottom. You think about your purpose. Why you're a troll. Why every event in SBURB has led to this exact moment of you standing on a meteor as an alien species, filling a shitty cup with water for your best bro, who is also an alien, that has passed out at the sight of you. 

At some point you also think about the safety dance because damn, that song had no business being as catchy as it was.

Well, the water's full and you put the CUP OF WATER (2+1+2+1+2+2+1+2+1+2 = 16 % 10 = 6) back in your sylladex because you legit forgot you had one. Damn, you never use this thing anymore, the novelty of it kinda faded when you god tiered.

You used to use your sylladex all the time for lyric writing. Forced you to be creative. It kinda makes you wanna spit some sick rhymes about being a troll, but you haven't got time right now. You're sure it would've been sick though. The absolute illest fucking poetry you've ever conjured. You settle for muttering to yourself to the tune of Safety Dance instead.

DAVE: we can dance if we want to
DAVE: we can leave karkat behind
DAVE: cause your friends passed out and if hes passed out then hes no friend of-

ROSE: You're up early.

DAVE: -JESUS CHRIST

Rose is behind you. In fact, you'd venture to say she's been behind you this entire time and you didn't notice. Just standing there with her smug and shit eating grin.

DAVE: rose
DAVE: how long have you been standing here

ROSE: Long enough to listen to a quarter of your remixed rendition of Safety Dance.

Oh yeah, you're so good at going undetected. Just the absolute best over here. So good, you have no idea.

ROSE: Nice wings.
ROSE: If I may interject, from what source did you hear of Jesus denying friendship with those blighted by overactive vagus nerves? I do not know of him having any particular policies on syncope.

What?

DAVE: what

ROSE: It's a lapse in my own knowledge of Old Earth's practices. Conventional religions and safety dances were never my forte, outside of deep wisdomed magykks and the dancing whispers and woes of hellscholars abroad.

DAVE: hey uh
DAVE: not to knock whatever vibe youve got going on right now
DAVE: but what are we talking about

ROSE: Hi, Dave.

What? How the hell did she know it was you?

DAVE: hi
DAVE: how the hell did you know it was me
DAVE: i turned myself into a troll rose did you not notice the part where i turned myself into a troll

ROSE: Why yes, I did notice you're looking a bit different. And yet, in many ways, you look exactly the same.

DAVE: i FEEL different
DAVE: like WAY different and its freaking me out something fierce
DAVE: probably even a little more than i am freaked out that you recognized me like this

ROSE: Well, you know how it is. Puberty can be very difficult for boys your age. I didn't want to be rude.

DAVE: shit dog you dont even know the half of it being a troll is wack
DAVE: health class sure as fuck didnt prepare us for this one its all uncharted territory from here

ROSE: Health class didn't prepare any of us for anything, Dave. Try to recall that Earth was destroyed before we could attend.

DAVE: okay but like howd you figure out it was me
DAVE: i couldve been anyone
DAVE: like i literally couldve been an enemy

ROSE: Literally? As opposed to metaphorically?

DAVE: rose i couldve been the elusive 13th troll that somehow nobody heard about who secretly joined the troll session even though that makes no sense and is the dumbest thing i ever said
DAVE: and id be evil so we can pull out all the stops for bad tv tropes
DAVE: itd be the worst fucking series on trollflix and lets be real itd be cancelled in like two weeks tops

ROSE: You'd still watch it, though. With Karkat, I imagine.

DAVE: yeah i probably would
DAVE: im serious though you gonna elaborate on how you just KNOW these things

ROSE: I could sit here and discuss in minute detail with you the exact technicalities with which I know these things, but I'll spare you the trouble. Simply put, I just know.
ROSE: Or rather, just knew.
ROSE: Something, something, Seer of Light.

DAVE: damn a mystery not even the writers can figure out i guess
DAVE: listen is it too late to say this isnt what it looks like
DAVE: cause it is DEFINITELY what it looks like
DAVE: i just didnt want you finding out about this it is just all kinds of embarrassing

ROSE: I would say the timer on that expired well before you tampered with the Alchemiter. Again, being a Seer, I saw this coming.
ROSE: That being said, would you like to share with the class how it happened? Specifically, the components necessary to bring about a change such as this?
ROSE: For research purposes, of course.

DAVE: godammit i knew you were going to ask me this
DAVE: no im not enabling you youre just gonna use this information to go turn yourself into a troll so you can do weird stuff with kanaya

ROSE: Not true. I was going to turn myself into a troll just for the hell of it.
ROSE: Now that you mention it though, that isn't a bad idea.

What is she even doing up? Doesn't she have anything better to do? Wait, of course she doesn't, it's the meteor.

DAVE: no i dont wanna hear about this
DAVE: im not about to watch my ectosister deliberately go make stupid decisions again
DAVE: you were bad enough when you were grimdark or on the sauce

ROSE: Come on, no need to be coy. I'll throw in a psychoanalysis, free of charge.
ROSE: And a Scooby snack.

DAVE: damn you drive a hard bargain
DAVE: a whole ass scooby snack

ROSE: A whole ass scooby snack, in its entirety.

DAVE: mmmnah
DAVE: thats gonna be a hard pass from me
DAVE: karkat and i get enough from snarky troll broads as it is we dont need another one

She frowns, and huffs as if any of this hoofbeastshit is her business. You just realized you mentally said hoofbeastshit instead of horseshit and its making you really mad.

ROSE: I thought you were against being pointlessly secretive.
ROSE: Would it help if I said please? I've been curious about the circumstances ever since I saw a vision of this happening. I must ask you don't leave me hanging on this one.

DAVE: alright i guess maybe i can share some of the deets but only if you can help me figure out how to change back from being your troll fairy godbrother
DAVE: until then im keeping my shit top secret

What has your life come to?

ROSE: This is fair, but if you would like assistance on changing back to your human persona, or dare I say humansona, it may be in your best interest to share with me all the information you can provide.

DAVE: ugh fine look
DAVE: all im gonna say is that this shit started cause of your fur affinity basket dvd

ROSE: Ah, yes. The 2019 copy of Fruits Basket from the Alpha Earth. 
ROSE: You weren't, by any chance, trying to alchemize apple juice from it, were you Dave?

DAVE: listen
DAVE: what kind of chump would stay up till three in the damn morning trying to alchemize a juice
DAVE: a juice rose
DAVE: who would do that

ROSE: Dave, this is the same joke twice. You would.

DAVE: damn right i would apple juice rules

ROSE: If you say so. I think I can piece together what happened from there. Am I correct in my assumptions that you alchemized an Alternian Fruits Basket from my original DVD copy, and as such, added its punch card shunt to the Alchemiter modifier and transformed yourself into a troll?

DAVE: youre close you missed the part where i thought it wouldnt do anything cause humans arent items

ROSE: Maybe not at the beginning of SBURB, but off of Earth, the rules and parameters that SKAIA abides by warp with time and space.
ROSE: It is subjective. On Earth, life is regarded as more than an item. But on this meteor, designed to be a mass-producing pawn factory in a very high stakes game of space chess, life is as nearly as expendable as items may be.
ROSE: I believe it is to increase the difficulty of the game for the player in tandem with the player rising on the echeladder to god tier. Whether the change in difficulty lines up with said god tiering, or if it is just an exploitable coincidence, I cannot say for certain.

DAVE: jesus
DAVE: so what youre saying is that i didnt choose the troll life
DAVE: the troll life chose me

ROSE: In a manner of speaking, yes.

DAVE: christ i hope this isnt permanent

ROSE: Well, there may be a solution to this, but we'll need the help of some friends.

Oh, of course. The real solution to your troll problems was the friends you made along the way. How could you be so blind.

Chapter Text

DAVE: what like the mayor and karkat
DAVE: cause if its the mayor we got to make sure things line up with his schedule
DAVE: hes a busy guy rose he has lots to do
DAVE: as for karkat he cant exactly come to the phone right now on account of not being conscious

ROSE: I'm afraid I was referring to a different pair of our friends on this meteor, but they can come too for moral support, if they'd like. The solution to this problem may be simpler than it seems, but it will also require luck and circumstance to accomplish.
ROSE: That area of expertise falls within the domain of the Scourge Sisters and you'll need to request their immediate assistance if you'd like to change back into a human.

DAVE: aw man why do we need vriska
DAVE: shes just going to rub it in my face that i need luck to solve my problems as if she hasnt used luck to solve all of her problems
DAVE: seeing tz again will be cool but still
DAVE: actually forget that i dont want them to see me as a troll its downright shameful
DAVE: i can already hear the heinous cackling assaulting my hear ducts
DAVE: fuck i mean ears there aint no way i just said hear ducts out loud
DAVE: like why would i say something so controversial yet so brave

ROSE: No need to feel ashamed. In fact, it is fascinating watching you blindly navigate your new form, if not, very amusing. I am entertained.

DAVE: glad to know im still a joke to you
DAVE: now if youll pardon the rush miss tentacles psychotherapy im gonna need you to start elaborating on that plan cause the sooner i can change myself back the sooner i can stop saying dumb shit like hear ducts

ROSE: Ah yes, of course. That's me. First name, Tentacles. Last name, Psychotherapy.
ROSE: My theory is that if you used the Alternian Fruits Basket to change your form, much like those with the affectation of the Zodiac Curse, you may only need to hug someone of the opposite sex in order for you to, "transform" back, so to speak.

DAVE: wait what so all i gotta do is hug you
DAVE: fuck it bring it in then its time for troll dave appointed sibling bonding time

Your discomfort for sincerity and physical contact is strongly outweighed by your desire to stop this troll thing from continuing to happen, so you just go for it. Rose seems equally as weirded out by your brother-sister hug time moment and you think you'd rank it the most awkward hug that's ever taken place in the history of paradox space if you're being honest with yourself. Also, nothing fucking happens.

DAVE: man it is just so cool how that didnt work
DAVE: love these heart to hearts rose i feel like we never talk anymore

ROSE: Feel free to let go anytime. I think I'd rather die again than keep up this farce of a bit that either of us enjoy familial contact of this kind.

You step back, both of you very obviously squicked out by everything that just took place.

ROSE: Let us never speak of this again, if you don't mind.

DAVE: wow yeah that sucked
DAVE: can we go back to the part where that didnt happen and you were still talking about important shit

ROSE: I'd be happy to, as I had more to say on the matter.

DAVE: god damn please before i actually start time traveling

ROSE: Okay, so a recap. The reason why that thing that absolutely did not take place didn't work is because I'm not a troll. You'll need to hug a troll of the opposite sex. Not a human.

DAVE: so in theory i could just hug kanaya and thats all itd take to change me back

ROSE: In theory, yes.

DAVE: sounds easy enough
DAVE: send in the vampire buffy lets get this crap over with already

ROSE: I'm afraid that won't work either. She is... indisposed, at the moment.

DAVE: with what its like five in the morning
DAVE: is she busy doing kanaya things like worrying about other people and being a rainbow drinker and probably knitting
DAVE: cause she does that everyday whats the situation

ROSE: ....

Oh, no fucking way, is that why Rose is awake at this hour? It is a fucking Rosemary minefield everywhere you step. Or float, in this case. Alright, you can take a hint.

DAVE: nevermind dont answer that

ROSE: A wise choice.
ROSE: Besides, if my theory is correct, Kanaya just isn't the proper candidate for the job, as she unfortunately does not possess the unique abilities necessary to undo your set of circumstances.
ROSE: As I said before, you'll need Terezi and Vriska because they are capable of changing the odds of a 50/50 scenario to absolute 100% certainty without even thinking twice about it. A simple repeated coin flip by either of them could very easily be heads 90 times in a row, solely because each and every flip by them is inherently written into the narrative structure as fact by their very existence.

DAVE: this is what the refrance

ROSE: Precisely. They choose whatever timeline is best fit for them through luck and foresight.
ROSE: That being said, we have no way of knowing if you hugging the opposite sex will change you back with 100% certainty. Even the slightest chance of this plan not working poses the risk of leaving you, put bluntly, thoroughly and utterly screwed.
ROSE: You may find yourself in a position deprived of any other options to change back, and as such, there would be no other possible scenario where you could change back into a human that would make sense in the contextual narrative.
ROSE: That alone is a risk we should not be taking, lest we want to remain in the alpha timeline.
ROSE: On the contrary, as long as there is a possibility that hugging a troll of the opposite sex could work, it will work with the help of a Mind and a Light player.

Cool. That all sounded like a whole bunch of fuckshit and you barely retained any of it, but you appreciate Rose's help nonetheless. You get the gist. Basically, what you're gathering here is that there is pretty much no way you're changing back without Terezi and Vriska's help unless you want to be cancelled by the sentient sky moderator that runs this fucking click-and-play. Well, that's just fantastic. Your morning is getting better by the second.

Honestly, you're ready to put a strut pod up and a frond to your statement tunnel from just how quirky this whole situation is. Teehee, what crazy kooky form of bullying will SBURB subject you to next? With luck you'll be forced to show off your troll form to bootleg Ronald McDonald for plot convenience and then he'll misinterpret it as a black solicitation and try and get nasty with you. Well news flash, SKAIA, you're not gay, okay? So that ain't happening. Obviously the only time you'd ever attempt a black solicitation is with a woman and there's not exactly a surplus of available women on the meteor. Clearly. Obviously.

Like, in the event that you had to be in a black relationship on this meteor, you'd obviously pick Karkat cause he knows his shit about trollmance and you know he'd be a total spadethrob with you. You could easily see something pitch with him, or something in any other quadrant really. He's an expert on making you feel things. A real casanova when he's not busy being a massive tool. Kinda makes you wonder if Karkat is exempt from all of that "being gay" thing anyway because of the bro code like. There's gotta be a rule in there that says it's not gay if it's with your homie. Right? Maybe?

Godammit, you gotta stop thinking like a troll this is fucking with your sponge's chemistry. BRAIN chemistry. Brain chemistry, you said brain chemistry in your head. Moving on.

DAVE: okay well thanks for all that enjoy your fucking aftercare or whatever freaky shit you two do in the shadows
DAVE: imma go look for misses robinson and spidertroll before this alien lingo feasts on my psyche any longer than it needs to

ROSE: I reiterate kindly, it is for the best that you do not know what we do in the shadows.

DAVE: see its funny because thats a movie about vampires get it thats the joke were accomplishing comedy at record speeds here
DAVE: anyway see ya lalonde

ROSE: Who is this Lalonde you speak of? My name is Tentacles Psychotherapy, and I'll thank you to respect my identity.

DAVE: oh were still doing this bit my bad
DAVE: see ya psychotherapy

ROSE: Thank you, and I wish you luck. You'll need it.
ROSE: Farewell, Troll Dave.

DAVE: later human rose

It's comforting to know that even when you're a troll, Rose will still be Rose. That's just how you two roll. Or dare you say, how you two TROLL? You don't say that though because that's fucking dumb.

Well, you guess now would be a good time to go find Pyrope and Serket. So much for getting your boyfri– BEST friend his water!! Best friend! Best friend, his water and coffee. Wow, what is UP with you today? You've been thinking all kinds of silly freakin thoughts, huh? Just a bunch of silly, goofy, crazy nonsense? Jade would've loved that one you made just now. Ha ha. Yeah. Anyway, you'll be fast, it's just a small detour.

You drift off down the hall to the nearest transportalizer in the common room and take a different launch pad to the renowned den of thieves (it's actually the den of thief and seer but who gives a shit about technicalities). Along the way you encounter a bunch more puzzles in the hallways and it's really annoying just like the first time you encountered them and there's even a montage. But you're just gonna fast forward to the good part cause you're the god of time you can do whatever you want when it comes to your own thought process.

You will say though, it took you a solid 20 minutes to find Pyrope and Serket's hideout because of those stupid puzzles. You don't know who needs to hear this, but STOP RESETTING THEM. You mean that. Shit is just downright disrespectful.

You're at their door and there's all kinds of posters and hand-drawn, seizure-inducing paper scribbles taped to the walls like a museum for people on LSD. There's chalk drawings all along the corridors covering the walls and floors, all of it masterfully produced with colors engineered to give you an aneurysm. You even spot an homage to SBAHJ in the corner. All of the drawings have been smudged or slobbered on and are visibly melting off the walls. It's a masterpiece. You've never been more proud to bear witness to what you assume to be TZ's glorious handiwork.

That, coupled with a bunch of bootleg Con Air merch all over the floor, noosed up scalemates, and the pirate decor, really makes you wonder how the fuck these two could possibly be hard to find.

God, actually you know what the weirdest part is? Every fucking poster on the wall is written in Alternian and yet somehow you can read all of it. Sure, they're all just varying degrees of "do not enter" and "danger" and "no knights allowed," but easy read or not, last you checked you were illiterate to Alternian.

…Okay fine, that last one got put up because of an incident between you, Terezi, and Karkat on "sweep one" of this hellrock. You'll admit you two kinda deserved it. You actually can't believe you're saying this, but thank god for Vriska stepping in when she did.

You're getting off track though. You're somehow cognitively fluent in Alternian and that literally makes no sense. How can you just conveniently read a different language just by changing your species? That's just straight up not how language works. And no this isn't knowledge you gained as a human either, you knew how to write exactly one word in traditional Alternian and the word was penis, for your information.

Even now, the letters on the posters in front of you clearly look like the US nuclear launch codes. It's just Elon Musk's child on a piece of paper. But sure, you'll just read all of this shit like the fucking reading rainbow, that's fine.

You reach up to knock on the door, expecting either Terezi or Vriska to immediately follow-up by asking for a password. You're pretty much a master at guessing their password of the day at this point because they make it so goddamn easy to figure out. All you have to do is just play along with their roleplaying and they give it away every single time. Or, most of the time. Sometimes they do change it up. One year, the password was just shitting on Karkat's fashion sense.

You knock again, but you don't hear anything so you guess they're not in their block. Though, just as you turn to leave the spider's nest (or dragon's hoard, whichever one uplifts your aquatic floatation vehicle), you hear very distinguishable chatter from down the hallway.

Nevermind, you guess they're closer than you thought. Always when you least expect it, the Scourge Sisters strike again.

DAVE: tz if thats you imma need you to smell with caution

The chatting from down the hall stops and you hear a sniffing sound.

TEREZI: COOLK1D?

DAVE: hey

A sharp and delighted cackle resounds from down the hall.

TEREZI: W3LL 1F 1T 1SN'T 4 SURPR1S3 V1S1T FROM M1ST3R C4NDY 4PPL3 SP1CE!
TEREZI: WH4T BR1NGS YOU TO OUR TOP S3CR3T L41R?

DAVE: oh you know
DAVE: just motherfucking shenanigans as usual
DAVE: also no offense tz but this is the worst kept secret ive ever seen
DAVE: its about as subtle as a kindergartener eating an entire box of crayolas then projectile vomiting into an on fire garbage can

TEREZI: Y34H, 1 GOT C4RR13D 4W4Y W1TH TH3 CH4LK, 1T SM3LLS 4M4Z1NG!
TEREZI: SP34K1NG OF WH1CH...

She takes one more loud and noticeable sniff.

TEREZI: ...YOU SM3LL D1FF3R3NT!
TEREZI: D4R3 1 S4Y, B3TT3R TH4N USU4L?

VRISKA: Helloooooooo????????
VRISKA: Aren't you forgetting someone?

TEREZI: OH, VR1SK4 1S H3R3 TOO, BY TH3 W4Y!

VRISKA: Of course I'm here! I'm too important to 8e ignored, you know.
VRISKA: Try not to 8e surprised!

They're still both shouting down the hallway out of view. You suspect they're making another chalk mural on the wall, further colonizing the meteor for their endless domain. You are not in any hurry to reveal yourself so you just roll with it.

DAVE: literally nobody is ever surprised by this vriska
DAVE: you are somehow present everywhere even when youre not here
DAVE: you dont have to remind us about your irons and their close proximity to hot flames
DAVE: we all know of this and how relevant to the timeline it makes you

VRISKA: Exactly! There's so many of them in the fire, which is why you're always going to hear from me no matter what. I'm doing you a f8vor 8y reminding you of my presence.
VRISKA: You and your m8tesprit are sure to stay in alpha that way.

Matesprit? What's she talking about, Karkat's not your matesprit...? Wait, why are you upset about that? You're not gay? Shit, are you gay? No, this is just troll hijinks fucking with your thinkpan. You're not doing this right now, you refuse to let Vriska get under your carapace.

DAVE: yeah thanks for that i guess
DAVE: just cant let two bros have a moment alone can you

VRISKA: Not a chance!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: What do you need anyway?

TEREZI: 1'LL B3T H3'S H3R3 TO CONTR1BUT3 TO OUR MUR4L
TEREZI: 1 DON'T SM3LL OUR FORM3R F34RL3SS L34D3R W1TH H1M... 4 SURPR1SE P3RH4PS? OR M4YB3 H3 HOP3S TO SN34K 1N SOM3 4RT T1M3 TO UNL34SH UPON US H1S UN1NT3RUPT3D BR1LL14NC3!

DAVE: maybe if youd stop eating the chalk

VRISKA: Ugh, can't he just get a clue and read the signs on the walls alr8dy?

TEREZI: Y34H H3 SHOULD R34LLY BON3 UP 4ND L34RN 4LT3RN14N!
TEREZI: 4L4S, H3 R3M41NS 4N 1LL1T3R4T3, D3L1C1OUS SM3LL1NG MONK3Y W1TH 4N 4RT1ST1C V1S1ON

DAVE: well

TEREZI: 1 R3L4T3 TO H1S STRUGGL3 MYS3LF W1TH MY OWN 4RT1ST1C SN1FF-S1ON
TEREZI: W3'R3 K1NDR3D SP1R1TS ON 4 QU3ST FOR T4ST3FUL D3S1GN, H3H3H3H3

VRISKA: Yeah, 8ut he knows what it says, Terezi. No knights all8wed!!!!!!!!

DAVE: okay listen

TEREZI: :?
TEREZI: D1DN'T W3 MAK3 TH4T RUL3? W3 C4N T3CHN1C4LLY M4K3 3XC3PT1ONS WH3N3V3R W3 W4NT
TEREZI: B3S1D3S, COOLK1D 1S 4 GR34T W1TH CH4LK
TEREZI: 1'D LOOOOOOOOV3 TO SM3LL YOU TWO WORK1NG TOG3TH3R

VRISKA: Sigh........okay, maybe.
VRISKA: 8ut only 8ecause you drew out the O's in loooooooove for me. That was gr8t, almost perfect even.
VRISKA: You know my quirk soooooooo well!
VRISKA: <>

TEREZI: Y34H 1'M PR3TTY R4D, 4R3N'T 1?
TEREZI: <>

DAVE: i couldnt help but notice this conversation isnt about me anymore and that needs to change immediately
DAVE: if you could stop pale flirting for like five minutes thats literally all the time i need
DAVE: im on a mission i gotta deliver shitty coffee and artifact riddled water to a sleeping beauty lickety fucking split

VRISKA: Oh my gooooooood, you're still here? We're busy, D8ve! Can't this w8t?

DAVE: i reiterate
DAVE: not made of time and this needs to happen now

TEREZI: Y34H VR1SK4, TH4T T1TL3 OBV1OUSLY B3LONGS TO 4R4D14, H3H3H3!

VRISKA: 8oooooooo!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Alright fine, what is it?

DAVE: for real this time

VRISKA: Yes, you have my attention! Hurry it up! Irons in the fire, remem8er????????

DAVE: well your royal spidiness if you or your loved one would take a fucking millisecond to walk around the corner you might be able to see smell and taste what ive been talking about this entire goddamn time
DAVE: you also might be hella entitled to financial compensation
DAVE: but since this is taking too long ill just hit you with this

You give into the rumbling in your chest, a sensation you've been doing a damn good job of suppressing because it's fucking weird. Your voice tinges ever so slightly, making you sound like a depressed wasp on downers. But sure, you'll be bug-like if it gets the point across. You speak in fluent Alternian and you still can't fucking believe you can comprehend this shit.

DAVE: can you please help me please

Terezi, upon hearing your best Alternian impression yet, chimes right back in Alternian.

TEREZI: 1 KN3W YOU SM3LL3D D1FF3R3NT!

Well, at least it got their attention. You can hear them walking closer now. Vriska doesn't sound nearly as amused, even from down the hall.

VRISKA: Wh8t the fuck did you do? Are you a dead D8ve?
VRISKA: If we're in a dead timeline 8ecause of you, so h8lp me!!!!!!!!

DAVE: relax its not dead im not dead i wouldve known by now blah blah etcetera etcetera whatever
DAVE: rose says its an easy fix its just an alchemiter screwup

VRISKA: And let me guess, you need my luck to fix it? I don't 8lame you for relying on me, you're pretty useless otherwise.

Aaaaaaaand there it is. The drawn out A's you just mentally conjured for yourself are for irony.

DAVE: sure whatever this form sucks help

TEREZI: W3LL YOU'R3 D3F1N1T3LY 1N LUCK, THE L3G1SL4C3R4TOR AND H3R TRUSTY P4RTN3R, M4RQU1S3 SP1NN3R3T M1NDF4NG, 4R3 ON TH3 C4S3!

You hear their strutpod steps draw nearer, TZ and Vriska finally turn the corner and–

VRISKA: PFFFT!!!!!!!! 8ahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!

Immediately, IMMEDIATELY, Vriska laughs at you. Fucking immediately.

VRISKA: Oh my gooooooood, I take it all 8ack this is so fucking funny!!!!!!!!

TEREZI: N1C3 W1NGS, COOLK1D!

They both look the same as you remember them, Terezi still cute and weirdly sharp, and Vriska still looking like Vriska. If you were a younger version of yourself, thinking about that probably would've made you upset and a little butthurt over what could've been. But you're not that person anymore, so you don't feel at all uncomfortable at making an objective observation like that. You're not so uncool that you'd voice those opinions with anyone anyway. Well, anyone but Karkat, for that matter. You're far from lonely these days. He's got your back.

DAVE: thanks this is my diy fairy cosplay i put lots of effort into it
DAVE: and by that i mean i pushed a button and now im a troll
DAVE: karkat especially liked it i feel like
DAVE: you can stop laughing now vriska

VRISKA: Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: This is com8dy gold!

DAVE: its harassment is what it is
DAVE: better cut that shit out or im telling the mayor

TEREZI: NOOO! NOT TH3 M4YOR!
TEREZI: W3'LL B3H4V3, W3 PROM1S3! G1V3 US YOUR T3ST1MONY, COOLK1D!

VRISKA: (Snnnnnnnnk........)

DAVE: i immediately dont believe you
DAVE: dont worry though the mayors cool hed forgive you
DAVE: look i just need to hug one of you so i can go back to being human
DAVE: preferably you tz for no specific reason in particular

VRISKA: Oh????????
VRISKA: What's this, D8ve? You sure you don't want to hug me inst8d?

DAVE: hard fucking pass vriska
DAVE: youre like the creepy evil version of toby maguire from spiderman 12 or whatever except if toby maguire were like slightly taller and a borderline homicidal alien woman
DAVE: also im a little bit scared of you
DAVE: so theres that

VRISKA: Good!!!!!!!! You should fear me!
VRISKA: That's the proper response to have when you see me.

TEREZI: SM3LLS L1K3 1T'S UP TO TH3 LEG1SL4C3R4TOR TH3N
TEREZI: BR1NG 1T 1N!

She jumps onto you before you have time to react, giving your face an uncomfortably long lick. You'll bet she just wanted to taste your troll form before you could change back. Just once, you wish you knew what the color red tasted like in that fucked up little head of hers. She clings onto you, cackling maniacally and–

POOF!!!

Chapter Text

Karkat awakes from his slime bed (oh that is so liberating, check this shit out, slime bed slime bed slime bed) with a frustrated groan, much like the way you imagine he wakes up every morning. It's a fun little headcanon of yours, but you'll never tell.

KARKAT: NNNNRGH...FUCK.
KARKAT: ...DAVE?

He looks around the room, squinting, as if he was expecting you to be there. At least he remembers where you two left off.

DAVE: hey man
DAVE: how you feeling

You hand him the cup of water and coffee which he graciously accepts with groggy confusion, takes a sip of both, and sets them down on his nightstand. Mission motherfucking accomplished.

KARKAT: I...WAS I ASLEEP JUST NOW?

Haha, watch this.

DAVE: yeah dont you remember
DAVE: you let me in your room and we fell asleep to dane cook

You point to his open laptop, already powered on and about halfway through a Best of Dane Cook marathon (the troll brain in you totally would've said husktop and you're so thankful you're not doing that anymore). It's just as you had thought, Karkat was staying up to watch Dane Cook again. Man, you know him so well.

(…Snnrk.)

KARKAT: OH GOD, I...
KARKAT: THIS IS GONNA SOUND INSANE, BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TROLL FOR A SECOND THERE?
KARKAT: THEN EVERYTHING WENT BLACK...IT'S WEIRDLY HAZY FOR ME.

DAVE: whaaaaaat
DAVE: thats crazy
DAVE: ive been human this whole time

KARKAT: WOW. OKAY. GEEZ.
KARKAT: I WAS JUST IN A DREAM BUBBLE THEN?

DAVE: yeah buddy it was all a dream

God, this is too easy.

KARKAT: REALLY?

DAVE: no im gaslighting you that definitely happened

KARKAT: **WAIT, WHAT???!!!**

DAVE: yeah i had you going there for a second though didnt i

KARKAT: GODAMMIT! SERIOUSLY?!

DAVE: hahahahaha

KARKAT: FUCK YOU!!
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING DO THAT, I BARELY REMEMBER THE LAST SEVERAL HOURS OF MY LIFE!

Karkat groans and you can't stop yourself from full on giggling. You can tell he's not actually that mad, he's just exaggerating to keep up your usual rapport cause he's cute like that. Yeah that's right, you think he's cute and you're not even gonna be hung up about it.

DAVE: you totally passed out after you saw me though which is probably why its hazy for you

KARKAT: THAT IS SUCH HOOFBEASTSHIT. HOW'D I END UP IN MY RECUPERACOON THEN?
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T KEEP LYING TO ME, YOUR FILTHY WEB IS GOING TO CATCH UP WITH YOU EVENTUALLY.
KARKAT: MARK MY FUCKING WORDS, DAVE.
KARKAT: IF THIS IS SOME FUCKING NIGHTMARE SCENARIO WHERE I'M SUBJECTED TO INCREASINGLY NUMEROUS LAYERS OF YOUR SICK AND TWISTED PRANK IDEAS, I'M GOING TO RUN OUT OF THIS BLOCK SO FAST I'LL GAIN ENOUGH VELOCITY TO THROW MYSELF OFF THIS STUPID SPACE ROCK.

Holy shit, this is turning out way in your favor. You're not even trying to fuck with him anymore, he's just doing it himself. You kinda wanna let him ramble and see how long he'll keep this up for, it's too good of an opportunity to pass up.

KARKAT: YOU CAN'T GET TO ME. I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING GO FOR THAT ONE DREAM WITHIN A DREAM TROPE, LIKE IN THAT MOVIE IN WHICH A GROUP OF OLDER PROFESSIONALS ATTEMPT TO STEAL INFORMATION FROM THIER CLIENTS BY ENTERING THEIR DREAMS–

Nevermind, you're not sitting through that.

DAVE: okay STOP
DAVE: we get it troll movie titles are long just say inception
DAVE: listen i promise i was only fucking with you about falling asleep nothing else
DAVE: not even i could come up with a prank as elaborate as what youre describing
DAVE: thats crossing dangerously into egbert territory and im not that much of a nerd
DAVE: did it occur to you that i just carried you to your recuperacoon

Karkat jumps and his eyes widen ever so slightly. What? Is he that surprised about you carrying him? Wait, now that you think about it, that was kinda gay. Fuck, just what you needed, more subconsciously motivated actions to fuel this growing suspicion you've been having since you talked to Vriska.

KARKAT: DID YOU...
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST SAY RECUPERACOON?

Oh, son of a–

DAVE: no you heard nothing
DAVE: whatever you think you heard me say
DAVE: no you didnt

KARKAT: TOO LATE, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU FINALLY CRACKED AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, *I* WAS HERE TO BEAR WITNESS TO IT!!! HAHAHAAA!!!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS? THAT WAS YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS CONCEDING TO ME THAT THE ALTERNIAN TERMINOLOGY IS SUPERIOR TO ANY AND ALL OF YOUR BOGUS HUMAN LANGUAGES.
KARKAT: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M FLATTERED YOU AGREE, DAVE.

DAVE: smartass
DAVE: fine i said recuperacoon are you happy

KARKAT: AHA! AND HE SAYS IT AGAIN!!
KARKAT: VERY MUCH SO, STRIDER. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT EVER SINCE DAY ONE OF MEETING YOU.

Oh my god, he's such a tool and you love it.

DAVE: yeah i can tell with that smarmy ass fucking smile plastered to your dumb face
DAVE: oh actually that reminds me open your mouth i wanna see your teeth

Okay, definitely not the smoothest segue but whatever today was already so goddamn weird, you can't possibly make it any worse.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY???

DAVE: for science

KARKAT: OH WELL, OKAY THAT'S FINE THEN, SAY NO MORE!!

DAVE: come on karkat dont give me that sass
DAVE: show me those pearly whites im sure theyre great
DAVE: dont be shy

You can tell he still very much wants to give you that sass. Nonetheless, he sighs and reluctantly bares his fangs at you. Hell yeah, you were right, they are just like yours were.

DAVE: dude i fucking knew it
DAVE: blunt as hell

KARKAT: WOW, CHUTEHUFFER!! DON'T BE FUCKING RUDE!
KARKAT: I OPENED MY STATEMENT TUNNEL FOR YOU!

DAVE: thats what she–

KARKAT: YEAH, I HEAR IT, YOU UNPLEASANT BASTARD.

DAVE: no no seriously though theyre blunt like mine were a little bit ago
DAVE: idk why i was so hellbent on figuring that out it was just one of those things i realized about myself when i first changed into a troll

Karkat is confused for only a brief moment before a look of clarity crosses his face.

KARKAT: OH RIGHT, YOU WERE A TROLL EARLIER.
KARKAT: FUCK THAT WAS SO FREAKY MY THINKPAN TRIED FORGETTING IT WAS REAL.
KARKAT: PLEASE, STAY HUMAN FROM NOW ON. I'M NOT LEADER ANYMORE, BUT THAT IS STILL AN ORDER.

DAVE: pfft thats fine by me
DAVE: if im being honest i hated every minute of it
DAVE: even if it was kinda neat seeing what life as a troll is like

KARKAT: OH PLEASE, THAT'S HARDLY THE TIP OF THE FROZEN ICE MASS. IF YOU WANTED TO *REALLY* EXPERIENCE THE LIFE OF A TROLL, TRY LIVING ON ALTERNIA.
KARKAT: I GUARANTEE YOU'LL HATE IT EVEN MORE. I KNOW, BECAUSE I HATED IT TOO.

DAVE: dude if i just said i hated every minute of it why would i go live on a dead planet for good measure

KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, DAVE! THE METEOR IS PRETTY FUCKING BORING, OKAY?

DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: alright you got me there
DAVE: i was pretty hot as a troll too maybe ill take you up on that offer after all

He snorts and looks away.

KARKAT: EH, YOU WEREN'T *THAT* ATTRACTIVE.

Wow, rude!!

DAVE: dude what the fuck dont be mean
DAVE: that was uncalled for

KARKAT: HEY, I WASN'T FINISHED!!

He huffs and looks back at you, and you realize he was looking away earlier to hide a blush. Something in your brain registers what that means and you do your damn best to pretend like you didn't notice so you don't short-circuit.

KARKAT: LOOK, OKAY, YEAH MAYBE YOU *WERE* KINDA GOOD LOOKING BY TROLL STANDARDS.
KARKAT: BUT NO OFFENSE, YOU ALSO LOOKED SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN YOUR CARAPACE. MY FUCKING GLANCE NUGGETS BARELY SAW YOU FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS AND THAT WAS A DEAD GIVEAWAY TO ME HOW UNSETTLED YOU WERE BY YOUR SITUATION.
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU TRY TO HIDE WHEN YOU'RE UPSET, BUT I CAN TELL WHEN SOMETHING'S WRONG.
KARKAT: I JUST...I DON'T LIKE SEEING YOU UNHAPPY.

Fuck, that's...that's really sweet of him. Dammit. Fuck. Okay. You owe it to him to say something. 

DAVE: well shit
DAVE: i cant even brush off that sincerity with my usual mockery can i

KARKAT: DON'T HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO BE NICE FOR ONCE!!

DAVE: i guess
DAVE: thank you
DAVE: and uh
DAVE: likewise i dont like seeing you unhappy either

KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: WELL YEAH, THANKS.
KARKAT: AND...YOU'RE WELCOME.

Your face is burning up but judging from Karkat's expression he's not doing much better. Fuck it, it's now or never.

DAVE: hey i
DAVE: i actually was meaning to tell you something

He perks up a bit.

KARKAT: TELL ME WHAT?

DAVE: just
DAVE: when i was a troll earlier i
DAVE: i kept having these weird thoughts about
DAVE: things

KARKAT: THINGS?

DAVE: that ive been hung up on

KARKAT: OH...I SEE.

He swallows and looks away, only for him to remember that he is still in his bathtub sized slime pod.

KARKAT: WAIT, HOLD ON, LET ME MOVE FIRST. I WANNA HEAR THIS WITHOUT THE WET, SLAPPING SOPOR ASMR IN THE BACKGROUND.

He sits up and climbs out of his slime cocoon, doing his best to brush the green mess off his clothes, then settles himself all comfortable and slimy next to you.

KARKAT: THERE. OKAY, WE'RE GOOD.

DAVE: covered in the afterbirth of the second coming of troll christ no less

KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, DAVE. YOU'RE DISGUSTING, AND I INVITE YOU TO SMELL MY GODDAMN SEED FLAP FOR IT. TAKE A GIGANTIC WHIFF AND REGRET THE FOUL WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE SHAFT, AS THE ODOR WILL BE TOO CLOSE TO RESPIT, YOU HIDEOUS GHOUL.
KARKAT: NOW HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY, WE'RE HAVING A FEELINGS JAM HERE.

DAVE: ha ha alright check it

You take a deep breath and face him head on.

DAVE: sooo
DAVE: i kept thinking that it was all troll brain stuff
DAVE: yknow blackroms and moirails and matespritships and such
DAVE: so i kinda just tried to brush it off
DAVE: but then vriska said something that made me realize some shit about me that ive probably been
DAVE: a little in denial about

KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE. A LITTLE?

DAVE: okay fine a lot of in denial about
DAVE: i just thought that it would go away once i was human again
DAVE: that these feelings werent my own
DAVE: but its turning out that being a troll was just the final shove i needed to have this weird freaking epiphany
DAVE: i still cant even accept it and yet i

You look at him and he's watching intently, his teeth poking over his lip. He's still got sopor in his hair. Yeah, this is right. Matesprit or not, he's different to you from your other friends.

DAVE: i know this is real
DAVE: that i am a little bit more open minded to uh
DAVE: the whole gay thing

You hear a small inhale from Karkat, as if confirming his suspicions about the topic of the subject. Yeah, that's not unprecedented, you would've gasped at yourself too after all the bullshit hoops you jumped through to get here.

KARKAT: DAVE, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU. THAT'S GREAT TO HEAR.
KARKAT: AND NO, I WON'T EVEN BE FACETIOUS AND SERVE YOU A STEAMING HOT "I TOLD YOU SO" ON A NUTRITION PLATEAU.

DAVE: yeah it was kinda obvious in hindsight

KARKAT: NO BUT SEE, IT WAS A DECISION YOU WERE ABLE TO MAKE ON YOUR OWN. THAT'S A BIG DEAL.
KARKAT: BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

DAVE: i
DAVE: yeah maybe it was
DAVE: thank you karkat

KARKAT: SO. WHAT NOW?
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP FORWARD?
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE HUMAN TRADITION OF FIGURING OUT YOUR SEXUALITY, BUT FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN, IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL?
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE— Y'KNOW, *READY* FOR WHAT'S NEXT?

Something in your stomach drops at the prospect of coming out to everyone.

DAVE: GOD NO I
DAVE: no
DAVE: or not yet
DAVE: i dont know i think i just need

KARKAT: TIME? SAY TIME.
KARKAT: SAY TIME AND THEN MAKE A FACE.
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE. YOU'RE THE KNIGHT OF TIME YOU'RE FUCKING OBLIGATED TO AT THIS POINT.

Pfft, yeah he's still so good at making you feel at ease. 

DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: man thats my joke at least get some original material

KARKAT: WHAT, IS IT PATENTED? DON'T FUCKING GATEKEEP.
KARKAT: TIME AND SHADES, LET'S GO.
KARKAT: C'MON, CLOCK'S TICKING.

DAVE: alright fine
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: time B)

KARKAT: THANK GOD.

DAVE: just this once you get a pass
DAVE: next time though im coming for your ass to collect on compensatory damages and plagiarism

KARKAT: OH YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO STOP ME?

Was that a threat? Or an...invitation? A threatening invitation? Who gives a fuck, you grab his hand and put on your most confident grin, trying not to freak out at how warm it is.

Godammit, you're down bad aren't you? Is this what it feels like to love someone? 

DAVE: next time i wont let go

He turns three shades of scarlet. Your cheeks feel hot but you're staring right at him, determined not to back down from the challenge. 

KARKAT: I DON'T...

You feel the ever present passage of time as his breath hitches.

KARKAT: ...I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

He mutters it quietly, as if he's just now processing what's happening, but you'll take it as a green light.

DAVE: cool then youll have no problem if i dont let go then

He swallows, and you follow the movements and the contours of his neck with your eyes. You're back to feeling things in places again, but thank god it's familiar. Fucking gay casanova over here getting worked up from looking at his neck and hand holding. God forbid he show you his ankle.

KARKAT: NOPE. NO PROBLEMS HERE.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. You break eye contact and stare at the wall, realizing that neither of you intend to "back down" from whatever game you've started for yourself.

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: ...

You hold his hand gently, desperate not to break the fragile bubble you've found yourself in with him. Your heart is pounding with energy, a mixture of elation and embarrassment, and for some reason it causes more crazy ideas to pop into your head.

Getting too overzealous, aren't we? What the fuck do you think you're doing, aren't Striders supposed to stay cool in moments like these? Would he even enjoy something like that? What if it's a mistake? It's too much, isn't it?

Just go for it, says a familiar ornery voice in your head, and any doubt leaves your mind.

Your eyes are locked with his when you take a leap of faith, lean in, and kiss him. You hear him exhale when your lips touch his, and you don't think you've ever lost your composure this much from another person in your lifetime. You pull away and, shit, he's the most beautiful alien you've ever seen. His face is red, flustered just like yours, but his eyes. You swear to god, they're glowing.

DAVE: um
DAVE: is this okay

KARKAT: ....
KARKAT: ...MMM.

Karkat manages a noise of acknowledgement and a nod, and slots his fingers in yours. You think you outright whimper from the contact.

This is fine. This is good. Just two bros, right?

The two of you are too flustered for words now, so you sit in silence, holding hands and pretending to play it cool. You're not sure what happens after that, too much of a blur to recount. But when you return to your room, you think only of him, a goofy smile plastered to your face all the way through.

You don't talk about it. Whatever it was you two started.

But, that's fine. 

The next time you see him, the unspoken glance you exchange is all you need.

–– tentaclesTherapist [TT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ––

TT: And then, he turned himself into a troll, Kanaya.
TT: Funniest shit I've ever seen.
GA: ???

Chapter Text

KARKAT: NO, DAVE!! YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I'M SAYING AND INSTEAD TURNING FLESH MONKEYS IN YOUR HEAD LIKE A GODDAMN SIMPLETON!
KARKAT: LOOK, THIS IS REAL SIMPLE. I ALREADY EXPLAINED IT TO YOU, TOHRU'S MATESPRITSHIP WITH KYO *ISN'T* AFFECTED BY HER MOIRALLEGIANCE WITH PRINCE YUKI. THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE!
KARKAT: THE PROBLEM LIES IN THE FACT THAT SHE KNOWINGLY AUSPICTICIZES FOR KYO AND YUKI'S TOXIC BLACKROM DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS ACTIVELY PITY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF THEM!
KARKAT: THAT IS THE TEXTBOOK DEFINITION OF A QUADRANT HARLOT!!
DAVE: i cant believe im saying this but youre giving humans too much credit here
DAVE: cant this just as easily be about her being nice to her friends because shes tohru and this is the tohru is nice to her friends show
DAVE: shes not even that bad compared to some of the troll flicks weve watched
DAVE: i mean she doesnt even hatelove someone
DAVE: seems pretty cruel of you to judge her for being a foursquare floozy when she isnt even hate smooching someone
KARKAT: TOHRU DOESN'T HAVE A HATEFUL BONE IN HER FLESHY HUMANOID BODY. IF THE WRITERS HAD SHOEHORNED ANOTHER BLACKROM IN FOR HER I THINK I'D BE EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN I AM FOR THE SHOW'S BLATANT MISREPRESENTATION OF STANDARD QUADRANT ETIQUETTE!

> Terezi: Find out what all this ruckus is about.

TEREZI: H33333333Y! 1 H34RD Y3LL1NG 4ND 1 GOT 3XC1T3D
TEREZI: 1S TH4T 4NOTH3R V4NTRUM 1 H34R 1N PROGR3SS?
KARKAT: IT'S NOT A TANTRUM THIS TIME, IT'S COMMON SENSE!!
DAVE: hey tz welcome back
DAVE: you missed some shit
DAVE: hes on some beautiful mind levels of cracking the quadrant secrets of a fucking furry shojo anime
KARKAT: THAT IS A LIE! I'M ONLY BREAKING IT DOWN AND SPOONFEEDING EASY CONCEPTS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO FLEX MORE THAN A SINGLE PANCELL IN YOUR FEEBLE MIND ABOUT IT!
TEREZI: WH4TS 4 FURRY?
TEREZI: :?
KARKAT: AND LOOK! NOW YOU'RE MAKING TEREZI UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR HUMAN TERMINOLOGY.
KARKAT: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D JUST DO THAT TO OUR GOOD FRIEND! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
KARKAT: TEREZI, I AM SO SORRY. IS HE BOTHERING YOU?
DAVE: oh my fucking god karkat you have like one joke
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3
KARKAT: WHAT? DEFENSIVE MUCH?
DAVE: youre such an ass
KARKAT: AT LEAST I CAN UNDERSTAND A QUADRANT SYSTEM!!

> Vriska: Enter following TZ.

VRISKA: Heeeeeeeey nerds!
VRISKA: Miss me?
KARKAT: HELL NO.
DAVE: whats good vriska
VRISKA: Hey D8ve!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: You're looking a lot more like yourself now that you're not disgr8cing trollkind with your fragile meatsuit.
DAVE: i cannot think of a worse way to describe that thanks
VRISKA: You're welcome. So, what? You two having a loungeplank rumpus without us?
DAVE: i mean its not like were stopping you from joining us
DAVE: were just in the middle of a cautionary tale about karkats shit opinions as always
KARKAT: HEY! HEY!! THEY'RE NOT SHIT! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
DAVE: which its pretty evident this time that its one of those ones you gotta strap yourselves in for
DAVE: i mean hes making all kinds of statements today
TEREZI: *G4SP!* THOS3 4R3 SOM3 S3R1OUS 4LL3G4T1ONS!
TEREZI: 4R3 TH3Y GOOD ST4T3M3NTS, K4RK4T?
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY! I'M A FUCKING EXPERT ON QUADRANTS AND– STOP SNICKERING DAVE, I CAN SEE YOU!! YOUR FROND ISN'T OBSCURING SHIT!!
KARKAT: IT'S A CRITICAL ANALYSIS ON THE NARRATIVE AND I'M RIGHT! DAVE JUST WON'T ADMIT IT CAUSE HE'S A FUCKING COWARD.
DAVE: right just like how you wont admit that the only reason you hate kyo is cause he reminds you of yourself
DAVE: theyre pretty biased opinions karkat you cant deny the facts
KARKAT: THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!
VRISKA: Sooooooo, it's a snoozefest, is what you're saying?
KARKAT: NO!!
DAVE: pretty much
KARKAT: *NRRRRGGGGHHHAHDHDKDDKSK!!!!!*
VRISKA: Um, oooooooookay?
VRISKA: So anyway, D8ve, while we're here I wanted to ask you some questions about what you did to the alchemiter to become a troll.
VRISKA: Terezi and I need to investig8te a little further into it in case you accidentally m8de a mess of the timeline again, and since you're not doing anything important I figure now's as good a time for an interrog8tion as any.
VRISKA: And 8esides, John didn't come all this way to punch me in the face just for you to go and screw things up in my st8d, yeah?
VRISKA: So, spill it! How'd you cre8te the equipment?
DAVE: ah geez do i really have to explain all this again
TEREZI: D4V3, WH4T DO YOU M34N "4G41N"? YOU N3V3R 3XPL41N3D ANYTH1NG, DUMMY!
KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE, YEAH!
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT EVEN ABOUT? AND HOW'D YOU CHANGE YOURSELF BACK?
TEREZI: TH3 COURT H4S SPOK3N! PL34S3 T3ST1FY TO H3R GR4ND3 TYR4NNY, COOLK1D

> Terezi: Engage in cross-examination.

TEREZI: G1V3 1T YOUR B3ST SHOT
DAVE: well
DAVE: it all started when i was born
KARKAT: NO. DON'T YOU FUCKING DO THIS.
DAVE: way back when i was just a little itty bitty sprout on a meteor
DAVE: far far away in the incipisphere
KARKAT: NO!!!
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
TEREZI: COM3 ON K4RK4T, L3T H1M F1N1SH!
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT! I WANT THE ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE ABRIDGED VERSION! I REFUSE TO SIT THROUGH ANOTHER ONE OF HIS MADE UP MELODRAMAS JUST FOR HIM TO HIT ME WITH THE "THERE IS NO PUNCHLINE" PUNCHLINE AGAIN.
KARKAT: I'D RATHER DIE OF TROLL TYPHOID.
DAVE: lame
DAVE: hate to tell yall this but i literally just pushed a button on an alchemiter and thats it
VRISKA: Come on, you and I 8oth know there's more to it than that.
KARKAT: YEAH AND BESIDES, WE ALREADY KNOW THAT PART. WE NEED DETAILS, DAVE!
KARKAT: GIVE US SOME DESCRIPTIVE ADJECTIVES AND NOUNS AND VERBS AND ADVERBS AND ANY OTHER GRAMMATICAL COMBINATION THAT CONSTITUTES A SENTENCE.
KARKAT: HERE I'LL START FOR YOU!
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT SOME NARRATIVE CONTEXT AS TO WHAT IN SKAIA'S MASOCHISTIC PLEGHMLOBE YOU DID TO THE ALCHEMITER TO CAUSE A NEAR TIMELINE-ALTERING MISHAP?
DAVE: okay ill tell you
DAVE: buuuut you have to ask nicely first

> Karkat: Swallow pride and ask nicely.

KARKAT: UUUGH...
KARKAT: ...SIGH.
KARKAT: PLEASE?
DAVE: anything for you babe
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 1 L1K3 TH1S V3RS1ON OF K4RK4T
TEREZI: H3S TOT4LLY WH1PP3D NOW, H3H3H3H3H3H3!
VRISKA: Enough flirting, you two. S8ve it for when we leave or get a fucking room.
KARKAT: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TO YOU WHETHER DAVE AND I ARE FLIRTING OR NOT, VRISKA! NOT LIKE YOU AND TEREZI ARE ANY BETTER!
KARKAT: I CAN'T GO TEN FEET WITHOUT TRIPPING ON A SCALEMATE PILE IN THE HALLWAY!
VRISKA: Ugh, Karkat can you quit w8sting our time with that? If you've got a compl8nt, put it in the compl8nt jar!
TEREZI: (H3H3H3, TH1S 1S L1K3 FR33 3NT3RT41NM3NT)
DAVE: (god it really is)
KARKAT: OKAY, CAN WE ALL JUST SHUT UP AND LET DAVE GET TO THE POINT?!
KARKAT: THIS IS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS THINKING ABOUT YOUR GROSS PALE ACTIVITIES.
VRISKA: Fine 8y me, lovertroll.
DAVE: gog damn it
DAVE: whatever lets just get this over with

> Dave: Explain.

DAVE: its an easy enough explanation i added a troll fruits basket shunt to the alchemiter and then inadvertently trolled myself with the troll assblaster 9000
DAVE: damn i never thought id say those words in a sentence out loud this whole situation has got me fucked up
TEREZI: :O
TEREZI: 1 D1DN'T 3V3N KNOW TH3 4LCH3MIT3R COULD DO TH4T!
TEREZI: COOLK1D WHY WOULD YOU L34V3 OUT TH3 B3ST P4RT, TH4TS SO R4D!!
KARKAT: THERE'S A TROLL FRUITS BASKET?!
DAVE: yeah and yeah
DAVE: it is pretty rad
TEREZI: TH3 R4DN3SS 1S OFF THE CH4RTS, W3'V3 R34CH3D CR1TICAL R4DN3SS L3V3LS!!
DAVE: dude that radness is so high up its gotta say goodbye to its family it aint ever coming down again
DAVE: its family will be forced to hold a funeral with an empty casket cause theyre never getting that radness back it is in the fucking stratosphere
DAVE: some say the air on that radness is still so unreal that it continues to climb higher off the metaphorical charts long after its passing
DAVE: the space oddity of radness
KARKAT: ARE YOU DONE?
DAVE: no not yet theres a whole portion to this where i break into a musical number and discuss in depth a sociopolitical commentary about the moral ethics of having adventures in space
KARKAT: THIS BIT FUCKING STINKS.
DAVE: thanks i try

> Vriska: Stop this tr8n of thought from der8ling.

VRISKA: Are you certain there wasn't anything else you did to the alchemiter? Anything str8nge or out of the ordinary that you can think of?
DAVE: i mean i guess i didnt try out the other card combo shunt
DAVE: or the regular fruits basket for that matter though itd probably have a similar alchemiter modification
DAVE: damn thinking back would that version have turned me into a furry
DAVE: shit what a missed opportunity jade and i couldve been twinning it up
DAVE: kinda weird that the troll fruits basket made me a troll though like i wouldve thought it would go for an alternian animal or some weird shit like that
DAVE: maybe it works differently on humans
DAVE: i guess that would also mean that the original fruits basket would work differently on trolls too
DAVE: shit yall could have a humansona out there and we wouldnt even know it
VRISKA: That is........
VRISKA: Actually not that 8ad of a theory! You might 8e onto something for once.
KARKAT: GOD IF YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT AND THERE IS SUCH A THING, I'M THROWING OUT EVERY COPY OF THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW SO THAT IT NEVER COMES TO FRUITION.
DAVE: ha
DAVE: fruit
DAVE: nice one
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
DAVE: anyway were all forgetting one key piece of information here and thats that i literally could not care less about any of this
DAVE: alchemiter tampering is roses biz not mine
DAVE: i dont wanna fucking know what kind of damage the other shunts could do and i sure as hell dont intend to ever find out firsthand

> Rose: Commit to the bit and show up in the bonus chapter for dramatic irony.

ROSE: Well, I suppose you're right about the tampering part, but I'm afraid you're not out of the woods yet when it comes to finding out the endlessly mystifying complexities of alchemiter technology.
DAVE: jegus rose you have got to stop sneaking up on me
DAVE: oh for FUCKS sake
DAVE: you didnt
ROSE: I most definitely did.

> Rose: Be the troll this time.

ROSE: Hello, everyone.
TEREZI: WO4H!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?!
VRISKA: Oh, for the l8ve of–
VRISKA: Can all of you st8p fucking turning yourselves into our species for like a goddamn second????!!!!

> Kanaya: Be concerned matesprit and also show up in the bonus chapter.

KANAYA: Please Forgive Me
KANAYA: I Tried Persuading Her Not To
KANAYA: I Was Unsuccessful
KARKAT: I REITERATE
KARKAT: **WHAT THE FUCK!?**
DAVE: come on rose what did i say about turning yourself into a troll this is blatantly reckless and you know it
DAVE: you promised you wouldnt use the information i gave you to go do something stupid
ROSE: I'm not sure what you're referring to, I never promised anything.
ROSE: And besides, this isn't stupid. It's scientific.
KARKAT: WHY?! *WHY?!*
KARKAT: WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE PANICKING ABOUT THIS???
TEREZI: K4RK4T R3L4X 1TS NOT L1K3 1TS P3RM4N3NT
KARKAT: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!
DAVE: gog damn
DAVE: i cant tell you anything can i
ROSE: Oh please, I was going to find out eventually, it's the nature of my classpect.
ROSE: Try to look at it this way. Much like your previous affectation, this too, was an inevitable outcome.
DAVE: that is such bullshit you just wanted to try being a troll cause i got to be one and you didnt
KANAYA: Correct
KANAYA: I Explained The Same Sentiments To Her
KANAYA: Many Times In Fact
ROSE: When did either of you become such a stickler for curiosity?
ROSE: Besides, I think I look quite fetching this way.
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: Well I Cannot Argue With That
VRISKA: Don't encour8ge her!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: SECONDED WITH FUCKING *VRISKA* OF ALL PEOPLE!
KARKAT: GOD, YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN I'M *AGREEING* WITH HER!!
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW SH3 *DO3S* SM3LL PR3TTY GOOD
KARKAT: *EXCUSE ME???!!!*
TEREZI: M4YB3 SH3'S ONTO SOM3TH1NG
TEREZI: 1F WH4T D4V3Y S41D 1S TRU3, 1'M NOT OPPOS3D TO B31NG 4 FL3SHY MONK3Y FOR 4 WH1L3
VRISKA: Wh8t????????
VRISKA: Noooooooo, c8me on, not you too!
DAVE: this is so stupid
DAVE: kanaya i thought you were good at being the voice of reason you were supposed to stop this from happening
KANAYA: I Did Say That I Tried Didnt I
KANAYA: And What Do You Mean By Voice Of Reason
DAVE: idk like being all calm and collected and reasonable and shit
DAVE: dont ask me about that youre the one whos good at it
KANAYA: Where Did You Get That Impression
KANAYA: You Know That I Have Killed On This Meteor For Less Right
DAVE: i
DAVE: wait what actually
KANAYA: Maybe More If Karkat Hadnt Stopped Me
DAVE: okay wow duly noted
DAVE: definitely a little bit scared of you too then
KANAYA: Sorry I Did Not Mean To Frighten You
KANAYA: It Is Just Objective Fact
KARKAT: OKAY, FAIR BUT THAT'S STILL NOT SOMETHING YOU JUST BRING UP IN CONVERSATION!
KANAYA: Fine Forgive My Uncouthness Then
KANAYA: I Cannot Help It At The Moment I Am Just Too Flabbergasted By All Of This Tomfoolery
DAVE: and really who could blame you its hard not to flabbergast at some fucking grade a tomfoolery
DAVE: and this right here
DAVE: this is some fucking grade a tomfoolery
VRISKA: Is now reeeeaaaally the time to be m8king jokes, D8ve?
ROSE: He can't help it, it's how he copes.
DAVE: oh OH wow
DAVE: so crazy how were talking about MY coping mechanisms right now rose isnt that just so ironic

> Rose: Conveniently change the subject.

ROSE: Kanaya, if I may...
DAVE: hey HEY dont ignore me
KANAYA: Yes You May
ROSE: There's no need to burden yourself with my decision to change myself into a troll. This was purely a ploy for curiosity of my own design.
DAVE: purely a ploy to piss me off
ROSE: And to piss off my dear brother, yes, that too.
KANAYA: I See
KANAYA: My Pan Has Not Been Eased Yet But I Feel That It Is Worth Saying
KANAYA: You Look Very Nice As One Of Our Kind
TEREZI: 4ND SM3LL N1C3 TOO!!!
TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NGS B3TT3R WH3N YOUR3 4 TROLL
DAVE: okay theres no way thats even remotely true based on what ive heard about you guys
KANAYA: Well Then
KANAYA: She Is At Least Better Than Some Of The Others That Have Been On This Meteor
KANAYA: Especially Among Those Of Her Current Blood Caste
VRISKA: Kan, you know you can just s8y Ampora.
KANAYA: Okay She Looks Better Than Ampora Are You Happy Now
VRISKA: I'm still not on8oard with all of this, but yes, I am.
KARKAT: THAT'S IT! I'M AT MY LIMIT! I'M *SERIOUSLY* GONNA FAINT AGAIN!
DAVE: woah okay hang on there k town i dont know if i can carry you to your room this time
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU NOT FREAKING OUT, DAVE!?
KARKAT: THIS IS CRAZY, I MEAN LOOK AT YOUR SISTER!! SHE'S A FUCKING SEADWELLER!
KARKAT: SHE'S BASICALLY FUCKING ROYALTY ON OUR PLANET, WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT'S DOING TO HER PSYCHE!!
KARKAT: ARE WE FORGETTING THAT THE *LAST TIME* SOMEONE OF HER BLOOD CASTE WAS HERE, THREE PEOPLE DIED?!
KANAYA: Two And A Half
KARKAT: TWO AND A HALF PEOPLE DIED!
KARKAT: FOR ALL WE KNOW SHE COULD DEVELOP HABITS THAT ARE EVEN MORE DANGEROUS!
KARKAT: OR WORSE! SHE'LL START SPEAKING IN AN ATLANTIC ALTERNIAN ACCENT!! THINK ABOUT THAT FOR THREE SECONDS AND TELL ME IT DOESN'T WANNA MAKE YOU WALK OFF THIS STUPID METEOR!!
ROSE: Hmm, now this is getting interesting. The classic nature versus nurture argument. Definitely would be an informative case study on human and troll biologically impacted cognitive behavior.
KARKAT: OH WOW! YOU HEAR THAT GUYS! I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO REASSURED NOW!
DAVE: okay dude take a deep breath and chill out you dont know if any of that is true
DAVE: i mean it might happen considering i was fluent in alternian within a few hours of transforming
DAVE: but just look shes harmless enough for now shes got little fins on her head
DAVE: and shes purplish
DAVE: thats pretty cool
ROSE: Thank you, Dave. How did you know it was my lifelong dream to be called purplish.
DAVE: come to think of it youve always been purplish havent you
DAVE: so really nothings changed huh
TEREZI: 3XC3PT SH3 SM3LLS D1FF3R3NT!
DAVE: yeah you heard the troll woman
DAVE: except you smell different how you feel
ROSE: Pretty good, I guess.
TEREZI: 1TS 4 N1C3 F1T FOR YOU
TEREZI: W31RDLY YOU SM3LL JUST L1KE ON3 OF POUNC3LLOR N3P3T4'S L4V3NPURR T34POTS
ROSE: That's very fascinating and strangely a really nice compliment. Thank you.

> Vriska: Put an end to these motherfucking shenanig8ns.

VRISKA: Ok8y, I get that we're all enjoying the shenanig8ns or whatever but we're gonna have to put a frondcover in it at some point.
VRISKA: Terezi and I aren't gonna standby all d8y to supervise and this bonus content has been going on long enough alr8dy so it's now or never, Lalonde.
VRISKA: You r8dy, Vantas?
KARKAT: HUH? FOR WHAT?
DAVE: dont tell him
KARKAT: DON'T TELL ME *WHAT?!*
ROSE: Very well. Let's make this quick and painless, Karkat.
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE *FUCK* ARE THEY DOING TO ME?!
TEREZI: TH4NKS FOR T4K1NG ON3 FOR TH3 T34M P4L
KANAYA: Your Sacrifice Is Greatly Appreciated
KARKAT: STOP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? NO!! NOOOOOOOO!!
VRISKA: Ooooooooho! That was eight o's!
VRISKA: Nice one!

> Rose: Hug the ornery troll boy.

POOF!!!

KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Ta-daaaaaaaa! See was that so hard, cra8face?
ROSE: Ah! Good to be back to my old self again.
KARKAT: WHA
DAVE: oh bro the disbelief on your face
ROSE: Alas, that was fun while it lasted. Thank you for changing me back safely, Karkat.
KARKAT: I– *HUH?!*
VRISKA: Alright, I'm leaving.
VRISKA: You coming t8, TZ?
TEREZI: 1LL C4TCH UP W1TH YOU S8N
VRISKA: <>
TEREZI: <>

> Vriska: Absc8nd.

KARKAT: A HUG?! IT'S A FUCKING *HUG?!*
DAVE: pretty neat right
DAVE: aaand thats how i changed back into a human kbro
DAVE: what do you think
KARKAT: OH WE'RE SUDDENLY CARING WHAT *I* THINK NOW?!
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: yes
DAVE: obviously thats why i asked
KARKAT: OH REALLY?!
KARKAT: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I FUCKING THINK?! WELL FINE!!!
KARKAT: ...I THINK I NEED A NAP.
DAVE: yeah thats fair ill walk you back to your room
TEREZI: 4WW CH33R UP! W3 COULDNT H4V3 DON3 1T W1THOUT YOUR H3LP
KARKAT: OKAY FINE, BUT YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST FILLED ME IN ON WHAT WE WERE DOING FIRST!
TEREZI: Y34H BUT TH1S W4S W4Y FUNN13R, W4SN'T 1T?
KANAYA: It Was Quite Funny
TEREZI: S33 M4RY4M G3TS 1T
KARKAT: I HATE YOU ALL SOMETIMES.
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y 1M GONN4 GO C4TCH UP W1TH H3R HON3R4BL3 M4RQU1S NOW
TEREZI: JUST W4NT3D TO S33 K4RK4TS R34CT1ON, H3H3H3H3H3H3!
TEREZI: 1TS 4 R34L SH4M3 YOU D1DNT G3T TO TRY OUT 4NY OF YOUR POW3RS, L4LONDE
TEREZI: B3TT3R LUCK N3XT T1M3!!
ROSE: I beg your pardon?
TEREZI: TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1S OUT!!
DAVE: later TZ
KARKAT: ALRIGHT BYE, I GUESS!

> Terezi: Catch up with moirail.

ROSE: Alas, my curiosity remains unanswered.
KANAYA: It Is Nothing Of Interest
KANAYA: She Was Merely Referring To The Passive Powers That Some Trolls May Acquire From Their Blood Color
DAVE: the what
KANAYA: Oh You Know
KANAYA: Much Like How I Am A Rainbow Drinker Thanks To My Blood Type
KANAYA: Many Seadwellers Are Known For Their Highly Impressive Mind Control
DAVE: THEIR WHAT
KANAYA: Ampora Was Not So Lucky To Have Obtained Such A Feat
KANAYA: But Perhaps You Might Have Been Luckier Rose
KANAYA: That Was Not A Pun About Vriskas Presence By The Way
ROSE: Hmm, I see.
ROSE: I have to disagree, then. That is very much something of interest. Shame I missed out.
KANAYA: Very Well Then I Rescind My Statement Again
DAVE: wait so what youre saying is that we couldve had psychic powers the entire time we were trolls
KANAYA: Well I Kind Of Assumed You Would Have Figured It Out By Now
DAVE: man i thought all of you got your powers from the game like us
KARKAT: DAVE, HAVEN'T YOU MET MEGIDO BEFORE? LIKE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS TRIP AND IN THE DREAM BUBBLES?
KARKAT: DID YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE GOT HER TELEKINESIS FROM BEING A TIME PLAYER?
DAVE: okay when you put it like that i guess it does sound kind of dumb
KANAYA: Karkat Is Correct
KANAYA: Her Exceptional Skills In Telekinesis Originate From Her Burgundy Roots
DAVE: wait what

> Dave: Realize.

DAVE: hold on wait
DAVE: oh SHIT
KARKAT: KANAYA ARE YOU SO SURE YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM THAT?
DAVE: isnt that
DAVE: isnt that what my blood color was a whole episode ago
DAVE: youre saying i couldve had telekinesis this whole time
KARKAT: SIGH...
KARKAT: YES?
DAVE: FUCK
DAVE: i gotta go back
KARKAT: NO, WE'RE NOT DOING THIS. YOU'RE COMING TO MY RESPITEBLOCK WITH ME AND WE ARE FINISHING THIS ARGUMENT ABOUT TOHRU'S QUADRANT SYSTEM, SO HELP ME!!
KARKAT: YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

> Terezi: Finish the chapter.

TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3
TEREZI: 4LL 1N 4 D4YS WORK