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The commotion in the next ward over didn’t even worry him. Hippocratic oath be damned; the doctors and nurses handling it were capable and quite frankly he had bigger fish frying. He sat with his head balancing precariously on his fists - his back already ached, what was more damage? - and tried to make sense of the tile pattern around the nurses station. 

Movement down the hall drew his attention. A vaguely familiar man pushed through the double doors, frantically scanning the room numbers with a glazed look of panic. The doctor on duty approached him. “Can I help you, sir?”

“I’m looking for Benjamin Pierce. Room 607?”

The doctor put his hands on his hips and stretched his neck as far up as he could to minimize the foot height difference. “I’m sorry, but only family members are allowed to visit on this ward.”

The other man laughed. “Listen, pal. I’m his best friend, not to mention a practicing physician, and I came in all the way from California for him! It’s visiting hours and I intend to do some visiting.” The visitor’s escalating voice seemed even louder in the otherwise quiet hospital hallway. 

He stood and walked up to the men. “Dr. Williams, he’s with me.”

The doctor looked between him and the tall blond man. “Dr. Pierce, the rules -“

“I know the damn rules. Let him in,” he instructed in as paternal a voice as he could manage. 

Dr. Williams shot him a look, giving the distinct impression that if Daniel wasn’t the doctor who brought him into this world, he wouldn’t be bending the rules for him. Daniel turned his attention to the man gaping at him. “BJ?”

“Uh… yes, sir.” He’d seen a handful of pictures but somehow the BJ Hunnicutt in front of him didn’t seem to line up with the images Ben or Peg showed him years ago. Maybe it was the absence of the smile that seemed to take up his whole face. That questionable decision of a mustache was still front and center, so that couldn’t be it. Or maybe it was the presence of grey in his hair, alarming for someone in his early thirties.

“I wish we could have met under better circumstances.”

“Me too. I should have come out earlier, I don’t know why I didn’t -”

“That’s no way to start thinking, BJ.” He glanced through the small window in Hawkeye’s door and caught the eye of the nurse watching him. Katie, today. She was young and a little skittish but she was a good nurse. Hawkeye hadn’t hit on her once which may have been one of the more concerning behaviors Daniel picked up on. “Listen, you’re welcome to see him but I don’t know what you’ll get in there. The doctors say he’s stable but…”

He trailed off, unable to fully prepare BJ for what came next.

That seemed to be a particularly prominent failing of his lately.

BJ nodded gravely as the door eased open enough for Katie to slip out. “Dr. Pierce?”

“Would it be okay for Ben to get a little privacy? Someone’s here to see him.”

Glancing between the two of them and then around the hallway - presumably for a doctor to catch them in the act - Katie gave them a guilty smile. “All right, but it was all your idea.” She ushered BJ in and slipped across the hall to the nurses station. 

Unable to let go of his parenting instincts, Daniel stayed near the room and watched through the window. BJ earned his trust long before he even met him but there was still the chance that anything could go wrong. He watched Ben’s face light up and his lips form a single syllable when he saw BJ. Then it broke with emotion and BJ fell to his side, wrapping him up in a desperate hug. Ben sobbed into his shoulder and gripped onto BJ’s shirt and hair with all the strength he could muster. It killed Daniel that his son hadn’t cried like that in front of him since before the war. It killed him that he couldn’t tell whether that was the war’s fault or his.

As he watched BJ rub placating circles on Ben’s back, Daniel took in his son through BJ’s eyes. He was far too pale, even for Ben, and the starched bed sheets, fluorescent lighting, and dark eye bags didn’t help. He was as thin as the day he got back from Korea. There was an exhaustion in his posture and in his face Daniel either never saw or never noticed. And that was all before he got to the tubes sticking out of him and the thick bandages around his wrists. 

It wasn't long before Ben cried himself out and lifted his red, blotchy face. BJ pulled back and gently wiped the tears from Hawkeye’s cheeks with his thumb. They started speaking to each other and, even though Daniel had never been a lip reader, he turned away to give them some semblance of privacy. 

What sounded like a weak laugh leaked out from under the door. 

BJ cracked open the door and awkwardly cleared his throat. 

“There’s a waiting area down that way,” Daniel gestured, slipping into the room. Hawkeye looked exhausted. “I hope that wasn’t too much for you. I thought seeing him may do you some good.”

Shaking his head, Ben resituated himself among his pillows. “No, thank you, dad. It’s just…”

Daniel put his hands in his pockets and waited. “It’s what, Ben?”

A silent tear slipped down Ben’s cheek. “I wish he didn’t have to see me like this.” He made a weak gesture up and down his body. 

“I know. But it’s just BJ. He wants to be here.”

“Thanks, dad, really.” He took several labored breaths, wiping away the remaining moisture on his face. “Would you mind sending Katie back in? I’m wicked tired.”

“You got it.” He leaned over, pressing a kiss to Ben’s forehead the way he used to when he was just staying home sick with a cold. When Katie came back in he paused and whispered just soft enough that Ben wouldn’t hear. “Thanks, Katie. You’re the finest kind.”

“Any time, Dr. Pierce.”

The waiting area was- as it had been all week -  empty, save for BJ. He looked so nervous that if Daniel didn’t know any better he would never have guessed he was a surgeon. The chair next to BJ’s creaked as Daniel lowered himself into it. Leaning his head back on the wall, he crossed his arms and attempted to recreate the most comfortable position he’d found so far. “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you better.”

BJ sighed. “I mean telling me he tried to kill himself painted a pretty vivid picture.” Then he winced. “Sorry, that was - I’m not trying to be bitter.”

“It’s quite alright, BJ.” The man looked over at him, his eyes wet and wide with emotion. “We all process pain differently. And I know you care about Ben, you don’t have to prove that to me.” BJ nodded and looked back down to fiddle with his wedding ring. His skin was tan underneath.

“Were things really that bad? I hoped he’d tell me if he were hurting.”

“You know what it’s like to come home from all that better than anyone, including me. He drank a lot, he slept a lot, he stayed home almost all the time. There wasn’t anything that sparked it other than everything. At least that’s as much as I know.”

BJ looked at him, likely noting just how much he and Ben looked alike with the notable exception of the nose he got from Sarah. His chin quaked and he looked back down at his hands. “I feel guilty.”

“Guilty?”

“At the end there, when things got… bad. I had something to tell him that would have hurt him under normal circumstances, so I didn’t tell him. I ended up hurting him even more by not saying anything.” Daniel slowly dragged his attention away from the chipped ceiling tile at the other end of the room. “He was never the same after that and I think it had a lot to do with me.”

“BJ,” Daniel started, refusing to continue until BJ met his eyes. “It’s not fair of you to blame yourself, especially with all the hurt that the rest of the world has done to him.”

A caustic smile spread across BJ’s face. “You’re a father, you know it’s not that easy.”

Daniel’s own guilt flashed to the front of his brain. 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“I came home and heard the water running upstairs. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if he hadn’t left out half a dozen empty liquor bottles.” Images he’d tried to forget over the last few days rose back to the surface. Ben slumped in the bathtub, fully clothed and with his eyes rolling back in his head, a knife still loosely gripped in his hand. The phone shaking as he dialed 911, wondering how in the hell his patients stayed so calm when their loved ones were dying. Pushing back the wet hair from Ben’s forehead in the emergency room and being struck by the undercurrent of peaceful calm under his twisted expression. “You can fill in the rest.”

“Jesus.”

An uneasy silence grew between them, only broken by the distant sounds of hospital business. BJ tried to wipe his eyes without being noticed. 

Daniel cleared his throat as BJ began to speak. He gestured for BJ to go on. “Has he been alright since coming here? Unless much has changed I don’t recall him being a particularly good patient.”

“Alright is a rather strong word in this case.” Uncrossing and recrossing his legs, he tried to find the right words. “He’s his usual stubborn self, but I’m trying to take that as a good sign. I gave them Sidney Freedman’s name but I don’t think they’ve called him, which, again, I’m taking as a good thing. The important thing is that it feels like he’s trying.”

Humming, BJ spun his ring around his finger again. He wondered if BJ usually fidgeted this much or if this was his way of coping with the guilt he was trying not to feel.

The hunched posture of the man next to him reminded him of his son, although it seemed that BJ was more trying to give off the illusion of calm nonchalance than hunching over himself the way Ben did. That coolness must have been like a magnet for Ben with his mood swings and harsh angles. BJ’s eyes - even red-rimmed and exhausted - were kind. Another reason Ben hurled himself into BJ’s orbit: they were just like his mother’s. 

The soft squeak of rubber on linoleum pulled his attention back to the hallway. “Dr. Pierce? It looks like Ben is out for the night if you wanted to go eat and catch some sleep. We’ll call you if anything changes.” Katie placed a soft, placating hand on the arm of Daniel’s chair. Overcommunicating, as always, but it was part of her charm. 

“Thanks, Katie.” She hurried back to her post in Ben’s room with a shy wave to him and BJ. 

“Where are you staying, BJ?”

His question must have startled BJ, as his eyes snapped from Katie’s retreating form to his face like a deer in headlights. “I don’t - I don’t know.”

Daniel gestured for him to follow as he pulled himself out of his chair. “I’ve got a room at the hotel across the street. You can bunk with me - I promise I don’t bite any more than Hawkeye does.” 

“Dr. Pierce you don’t have to -”

“Daniel, please, BJ.”

“Daniel, I really don’t want to put you out when you have so much else to worry about. I can find some place.”

They paused in front of the stairwell door. “You’re family now. Whether or not you like it. My son is quite fond of you which makes you pretty high up on my list, too.” BJ relaxed a little at that. “Besides, the only room I could book was one with two queens and it would be a shame for a whole bed to go to waste.” A smirk flitted across BJ’s face. 

***

“You know, you give the second best sponge bath I’ve ever seen.”

“Only the second?”

Hawkeye was performing. Few people saw it as an act, but Daniel had been around for nearly two decades of tech and previews so he knew a thing or two. Ben hadn’t done his usual charming, mind-easing routine since he’d been in the hospital.

Whether this was a progression or a regression remained to be seen.

Louise was on duty today. She was one of the more experienced nurses on the ward, with dirty blonde hair that curled delicately beneath her cap. If Ben was going to flirt with anyone, it was going to be Louise.

But then again, Ben had an audience today. 

They’re my father and my roommate, he had reasoned with her. They’ve already seen more of me than you have. Although we can change that.  

Louise just rolled her eyes. Then they already know how little they’re missing.

Read: exactly Ben’s type. 

He sat in the chair in the corner while BJ somehow perched himself in the windowsill with his feet resting on the radiator. 

“Louise, you’re fantastic, you know this,” Hawkeye pontificated. BJ shot Daniel a look. “But my best friend is head nurse at a VA hospital and she has it down to a science. She just starts talking about anything to distract her patients although her face is distracting enough - you have that in common, Louise. I may prefer your method though. Let me distract myself by sticking my foot in my mouth.”

BJ snorted out a laugh. “I think she’s got something else in common with Margaret, Hawk.”

“Oh?” Louise pondered. There was a skeptical quirk to her brow, even as she subtly gave BJ a once over from her seat on the edge of Ben’s hospital bed. “What’s that?”

“If he made a pass like that at Margaret, she would beat Hawkeye black and blue the second he was well enough to survive it.”

Looking between BJ and Hawkeye as she gathered her tray, Louise smirked. “I think I like this Margaret character already. I’ll leave you gentlemen to it.”

Ben gave her a flirtatious wave and adjusted the pillows behind him. 

“Well, well, Beej, how are ya? Sorry you had to leave Mill Valley so soon on account of little old me.”

BJ rolled his eyes. “You needed me here. What was I supposed to do, not come?”

It wasn’t that Ben looked unhappy, per say, more that he knew conceding the point would serve him in the long run. “How’re Peg and Erin then?”

“Peg is,” BJ took a nearly imperceptible pause, “good. Erin is growing like a weed. It seems like she sprouts six inches every time I turn around.”

“So she’s a Hunnicutt, then.”

BJ laughed, his head thrown back against the frosted glass.

“You have pictures for Uncle Hawkeye?”

Hopping down off the windowsill, BJ dug around in his back pocket for his wallet. “He asks if I have pictures,” he commiserated with Daniel before settling down on the bed next to Ben and flipping through the snapshots. 

Ben laid his head on BJ’s shoulder with so little pretext or self awareness that Daniel suddenly felt as though he was intruding on something. “She’s gorgeous, Beej.” He turned his head coyly to look at BJ. “Must take after Peg.”

A smile, but not quite a laugh, out of Dr. Hunnicutt. 

“Is she still in real estate? I can’t remember if she kept at it after you got home.”

Another understated pause. “Yeah, yeah she is. She just joined an agency so she’s selling even more now.” There was a clear tone of pride, but it was cut through with the sort of tension that came with wanting to convince yourself and everyone else that things were fine. It reminded Daniel of the time he and Sarah went to a New Year’s Eve party right after fighting over his being on call during their anniversary weekend and the winter holidays. She still bragged to everyone who would listen about his research on skin grafts, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“That’s fantastic. I can’t wait to meet her.” Well that was a good sign. The doctors said as long as he had something to look forward to, right? “I just hope I’m good enough to meet your family.”

“Good enough?” BJ glanced up at Daniel with mild panic in his eyes. “You’ve always been more than good enough, Hawk.”

A dark, dangerous laugh bubbled out of Ben. Apparently he’d forgotten his father was in the room. “That’s bullshit, Beej. I know I’m just dead weight sometimes. And that was before I was almost actually -”

“Hawkeye.” BJ lowered a gentle hand onto Ben’s knee in immediate contradiction with the harsh way his name flew out of his mouth. “There are a great deal of people who care about you and would gladly take care of you, alright? There’s a lot of people who love you.”

Suddenly tearing up, Ben sat up as straight as he was able. He opened his mouth to say something, but BJ stood with mumbled excuses and exited into the hall. “He sounds like you,” Ben complained. 

Regarding him for a long moment, Daniel studied him before responding. “Would you rather have me or Louise?”

“Well you know I have a thing for blondes.”

“Come on, Ben.”

“Go check on BJ. I think he needs it more than I do, right now.”

When the hell did he grow up so fully? After more than thirty years of parenthood, Ben still surprised him every time Daniel stopped to think about it. He nodded and flagged down the nurses station through the window. If Louise noticed the dramatic tone shift in the room, it didn’t show through her uniform cheery disposition. 

Daniel caught up with BJ in the waiting room. “You okay?”

“Me?” BJ spat, turning on his heel to face him. “This isn’t about me! Hawkeye’s the one in there under 24 hour surveillance. Hell, that’s your kid!”

Taking a deep breath, Daniel put his hands in his pockets and tried to keep from further ramping up BJ's emotions. He spoke as evenly as he could, not accusatory but observant. “You’re lying to my son.” He watched BJ physically falter. “Even worse, I get the sense that you’re hurting but you’re carrying it alone.”

His square shoulders drooped. A concession. “Daniel, I can’t put anything on you right now.”

“Sarah and I always wanted another child. Not that there was anything lacking with Ben, but we both loved children and thought it might be good for him to have a sibling.” He dropped into a chair and motioned for BJ to do the same, pausing the anecdote until he complied. “I don’t know why we couldn’t. But I’ve always been a father. And if the person my son cares about most in the entire world is hurting, by God am I willing to father them too.” Evidently the chipped tile below BJ’s feet was easier to look at than Daniel was. He leaned over and nudged BJ’s shoulder. “Tell me about Peg.”

“How did you know?”

Daniel indicated his wedding band with his thumb. “Mine doesn’t come off so easy these days, but when it does there’s a hell of a tan line.”

Sliding down in his chair, BJ rubbed a hand over his face with a sigh before continuing. “We’re… separated.”

“Not divorced?”

He shook his head. “It’s too complicated and expensive and invasive and it’s easier for everyone if we’re still technically married. At least for now, while Erin’s so young.”

“What happened?” Daniel asked as gently as he knew how.

BJ spoke carefully. “I’m not the kind of man she needs anymore.”

“War changes a person. I don’t know if you knew that I know that,” Daniel joked, nodding toward Ben’s room. BJ laughed through his nose but the smile on his face didn’t last for long.

“It wasn’t just the war, it…” he trailed off. 

“What, BJ?” BJ looked up at him, guiltily. “I know I’m a curmudgeonly old Mainer but I promise I’m more understanding than I look.”

“Peg isn’t the kind of woman I need, either. Mainly because it isn’t a woman I need anymore.” BJ’s eyes were as wide as his whisper was quiet.

“That’s brave of you. Granted I loved my wife more than life itself, but I still don’t know if I would have the courage you do.” Daniel nearly felt BJ’s exhale in his own chest. “Why don’t you want to tell Hawkeye?”

“He’ll be mad at me.”

“Because you’re gay?” The thought of Ben, of all people, taking issue with something like that was so unconscionable that it startled the response out of him.

“No! Because - because I messed things up with Peg. He saved our marriage more times than I can count and now I’m throwing away something he never had. All because I love - because I want something else.”

“He loves you, not your marriage.”

“Yeah.”

Daniel rubbed his hand across BJ’s shoulders. “Your secret is safe with me, by the way.”

“Thank you. Really.” BJ gave him a tight smile before planting his hands on his knees and standing up. He offered Daniel a hand up. “The show must go on.”

***

The third psychiatrist’s opinion only marginally helped Daniel. He felt a little badly about insisting on getting another evaluation before they released Ben, but something about only two signatures didn’t sit right with him. Not when it was his son. Not with so much on the line.

Ben seemed to perk up as they drove the familiar stretch of road between Bath and Crabapple Cove, especially when Daniel silently opted to take the scenic route along the water. He seemed almost childlike as he pointed out every observation of note to BJ in the back seat. 

If bringing Hawkeye home as a newborn was the longest drive of Daniel’s life, this trip from the hospital sped by unthinkably quickly. It was too soon that the white clapboard siding and overflowing mailbox came into view. A dizzy feeling overwhelmed Daniel as he parked the car and turned the key in the ignition. No one had been in the house since… well, since he followed the ambulance carrying away his son.

He slid out of the driver’s side and around the car toward the house, desperate to be the first one inside in case anything set Ben off. “Hey Hawk? Why don’t you take BJ down to the water, stretch your legs.”

Ben looked at him knowingly as he shut the door behind him, caught between admitting he was right and not wanting to concede the point.

BJ smiled at him. If Daniel didn’t know better, he would think BJ was completely oblivious to the unspoken tension between them. “Why not? I’ve always wanted to see the Atlantic.” He grabbed Ben’s elbow. “Come on, Hawk, I can grab my bags later.” Ben shot him one last look before turning to dutifully follow BJ down the driveway. 

Daniel steeled himself as he climbed the front steps, his hands shaking as he approached the door with key in hand. The door swung open with a loud creak that cut through the silence.

While the living room was in fine condition, the array of empty and broken bottles still covered the kitchen table and floor, right where they had been when Ben - when Daniel found him. He drew a shuddering breath. Propelled forward by the knowledge that Ben and BJ couldn’t stay down at the water forever, Daniel immediately grabbed a trash bag from under the sink. He picked up every bottle in sight before crossing the room to the liquor cabinet. Every drop of alcohol in the house had to go. He even trudged upstairs and threw out the bottle of wine in the bottom of his closet he kept from his wedding night.

Sarah would have done the same thing.

The air was beginning to chill for the evening when he took the bag out to the trash can behind the shed. He scrubbed the kitchen until the smell of disinfectant covered the sour smell of left-out beer bottles. 

Daniel knew he was doing what had to be done, but he was also putting off the real labor of the evening.

The upstairs bathroom door was ajar, late afternoon sun bouncing bright rays off the white tile floor and into the hallway. Daniel eased open the door with a shaky breath. Paramedic footprints still flattened the blue chenille bath mat, now speckled with red. Dried blood covered the bottom of the tub with dark red dust in a trail to the drain. And most heart wrenching of all was the steak knife on the closed toilet.

Daniel wrapped it in the bathmat and again in a trash bag, wanting it out of the house as quickly as possible. Sure he could clean it, but he’d never use it anyway, knowing what it was almost a part of. He ambled down the stairs as quickly as he was able, absentmindedly noting voices from the living room. Out at the trashcan, he braced himself against the rim and took deep gasping breaths to stave down the consuming anger bubbling up in his chest. He wasn’t mad at Ben - how could he be? He was absolutely filled with rage at the world that made his son feel like he was worthless. Rage at whatever broke him. Rage that the boy who spent his entire life so wholeheartedly dedicated to preserving and honoring life felt alone enough not to turn that compassion toward himself.

Even through his bone-deep exhaustion, Daniel suddenly needed to scrub the house of every shred of evidence that Ben ever felt pain. He trekked back inside filled equally with dread and inspiration.

As he rounded the corner to the staircase he heard a song on the phonograph that he hadn’t thought about since World War II. Doris Day lamented in saccharine sweet time that she’ll have this moment forever but never again. His curiosity - and new-found need to keep tabs on his son - got the best of him and he peered over the railing. In the living room below, Ben and BJ slowly swayed to the music. Ben had his nose tucked into BJ’s neck and a hand fisted in the back of BJ’s shirt. BJ cradled the back of Ben’s head as they spun.

Much like that day at the hospital, Daniel felt as though he was intruding. He did his best to avoid the creakier steps as he climbed back up to the bathroom. 

The bathtub lined with dried blood was no less daunting than it had been five minutes before, but Daniel knew it was a job for himself alone to handle. His knees groaned as he lowered himself onto the tile floor. Methodically, almost as if he were preparing for surgery, Daniel extracted gloves and cleaning solvent and a scrub brush from the cabinet beneath the sink. He rose and rinsed the tub as best he could with an odd sense of melancholy filling his chest. Then he kneeled back down and set to scrubbing. As he worked his way toward the drain, the pink bubbles began to swirl together and melt in his vision. 

He was crying. 

Grieving a son he didn’t even lose. 

Or maybe feeling Ben’s pain and lamenting his own failure of parenthood.

Daniel turned and sat with his back to the tub, resting his elbows on his knees so that the bloodied, soapy gloves didn’t stain his pants. He let himself sob. The hot tears ran over his day-old stubble and back into his ears as he leaned his head back and studied the time-warped plaster ceiling. When it felt like he was calming down, he wiped his eyes with his shoulders and went back to work. 

A soft set of knocks on the door startled him. He closed the shower curtain on his way up to answer the door.

BJ stood, earnest and concerned, on the other side. “Hawk fell asleep downstairs. I left him out cold on the sofa.” He looked down at Daniel’s gloves and glanced over Daniel’s shoulder. “Can I help?”

“Thanks, BJ, really. But you don’t need to see this.”

“Neither do you.”

Daniel considered him for a moment, caught between apprehension and appreciation. “I won’t turn down the company, but it isn’t pretty in there.”

“Is that where he…?” Scratching at the back of his neck, BJ suddenly seemed much younger.

“Yeah.”

After a moment of reckoning, a switch flipped and BJ was a whole different person. “Well I can’t let you go through that alone.” Fabricated bedside manner. A trick Daniel learned decades ago, now turned against him. He supposed he couldn’t exactly blame BJ.

He opened the door the rest of the way and turned without a word. 

BJ sat on the closed toilet with his arms crossed. “What can I do to help him?”

Daniel rinsed the suds down the drain and inspected for leftover spots. “Just be there for him.”

“We both know that’s not enough.”

“What else can you do?”

“I don’t know,” BJ laughed, hard and bitter. He went quiet as Daniel scrubbed, though he could hear BJ dragging in labored breaths behind him. “What can I do to help you?”

That made Daniel lean back onto his feet and really regard him. He sagged against the toilet like something out of a Dali painting. Blue bloodshot eyes gazed back at him. “You can keep caring about my son.”

“No, Daniel. What can I do? There has to be something I can help with. Hospital bills or cooking or something.”

“BJ. He’s my son. All I need to know is that someone else is looking out for him.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” BJ ran a hand over his face.

Daniel rinsed the tub a final time. He peeled off the gloves over the sink and wrapped them up to throw them away. “I will say, if you feel up to it, Ben might prefer hospital food to my cooking.”

Taking the bundle from his hands, BJ shot him a cautious smile. “Say no more.”

***

Hawkeye wobbled into the kitchen, evidently roused by the sounds and smells of dinner preparations. Daniel waved at him from his place of exile at the dining table and put down his newspaper. 

“Good morning!” BJ called over his shoulder from the stove.

Sticking his hands in his robe pockets, Ben strode over to inspect BJ’s cooking. “I see he put you to work. The food’s a hell of a lot better on KP in ye olde Camp Pierce, but you’ve got one harsh taskmaster over there.”

“Ah, so it’s genetic.” A mix of affection and sincerity, equally genuine, colored BJ’s words. Ben cut him a look and leaned over to sniff the meat BJ was seasoning, then took a jovial elbow to the solar plexus.

“Fine, fine, fine. Don’t take my help or culinary expertise!”

BJ turned back to dinner. “I don’t need either.”

“Sure, pal. I’ve seen you bungle a pot of coffee at forty paces, but I’ll let you show off everything Peg’s taught you if you’re willing to risk my tastebuds.” Ben was too busy crossing the kitchen toward Daniel to see BJ stiffen. “What goes on in the world today, dear old dad?”

Flipping back from the Red Sox scores, Daniel reported on the first thing that would interest Ben. “Arthur Miller is testifying in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee.” He held his breath for the ensuing explosion.

A humorless laugh burst from Ben’s chest. “What kind of country is this when a man can’t criticise communist witch hunts without being accused of being a communist?” He chuckled again until it simmered out. “Good Lord, what is this world coming to. Beej, let me help, please. If not for your sake, then for mine.”

Almost like he was already anticipating Ben’s request, BJ posited half a dozen potatoes, a peeler, and a bowl on the table in front of him. “Alright, you can make like a banana.”

“You’re a funny one, BJ Hunnicutt.” Ben waggled the peeler at him before settling into his duty. Now surrounded by young people and with Ben well enough to make jokes around, Daniel started whistling You’re a Queer One, Julie Jordan . “Now don’t you start. Let BJ get at least a night’s sleep under his belt before you start bombarding him with Rodgers and Hammerstein.”

“That’s an unusual courtesy, Hawk.”

“I’m an unusually courteous man.” Ben shrugged and picked up another potato. “Say Beej, what am I doing with these potatoes once they’ve been perfectly peeled? Are we pickling? Peppering? Poaching? Perhaps pureeing?”

A visible wave of immediate unease washed over BJ, although maybe Daniel was projecting the way his own chest tightened. He and Daniel shared a look before he went scrambling through drawers. “Uh, Daniel will cut them. Many hands make light work and all that.”

The cutting board and knife were thrust unceremoniously in Daniel’s hands. He reached across the table for a potato, catching a death glare from Ben.

“You two are about as subtle as the A bomb.”

Despite his comment, Ben acquiesced without much more grumbling. 

Dinner was pleasant. The kind of comfortable meal shared by people who understood and appreciated each other without pretending or trying too hard. It felt like a real family meal, the most familial things had been since Carlye was around, if not since before Sarah died. Ben actually laughed. Out loud, obnoxious, and perfect. 

BJ couldn’t talk Ben out of helping him wash up after, but their constant back and forth lifted Ben’s spirits more than after-dinner conversation with Daniel would have. The evening stretched on into comfortable quiet, accented by the crickets outside and Ben’s occasional grumbling as BJ showed him headlines in last week’s paper. 

They retired fairly early. At the top of the stairs, BJ all but wrestled Ben into the guest room, taking Ben’s childhood bedroom for himself. Almost too noble for his own good, that BJ Hunnicutt. 

Daniel clung to his nighttime rituals with iron fists, aching to feel normal now that he was alone in the dark silence of his room. The worn flannel sheets felt almost alien against his arms and legs, the shadows warped and unfamiliar after so many nights in a nondescript hotel room. He took a deep breath against the reality finally fully unraveling in his chest. His son was almost gone . And thank heaven he wasn’t, but now there were no psychiatrists, no trauma surgeons, no around-the-clock nursing staff. Just Daniel. BJ was there too, of course, but he wasn’t exactly permanent.

A soft knock sounded on the door.

“Come in?”

Ben, in rumpled plaid pajamas an inch too short. 

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.” He hobbled over to Sarah’s side of the bed and slipped in. Laying on his back, Ben pulled the covers up to his chin. “You know, we haven’t talked about it yet.”

“Are you up to it?”

“Would I bring it up if I wasn’t? Ask me anything, dad.” His voice was sharp, but earnest.

Daniel turned on his side, studying Ben’s profile in the dark. “How do you feel, really? How close are you to how you felt before?”

A heavy sigh. “I mean the silly little voices have been there for a long time. Mainly I just wanted it all to stop. The nightmares, the drinking, the goddamn pity party. It felt easier to end the whole thing than to pick and choose.” He settled. “Seeing you and BJ so upset did a number on me.”

“Ben, you never have to suffer alone. Ever. As long as I’m kicking.”

“I know.”

“Did you feel lonely?”

“Yeah.” Ben’s eyes shone with moisture. “I know people care about me. I know I have you and everybody from over there, but… But they all went home in one piece. They all picked up and carried on. I just stepped back into the time capsule that is Crabapple Cove and fell apart. They wrote and called but I couldn’t talk to them.”

Daniel’s heart cracked. “But they love you, Ben.”

“Yeah. Fine. Great.” A hand slipped out of the covers, frustrated with the restraint and inability to punctuate Ben’s words. ”I’m not about to inflict my sob story on my friends who figured out how to live. Margaret and her hospital staff, with her and Helen braiding each other’s hair every night. Charles with his cardiothoracic department and trust fund. Potter’s bouncing baby grandchildren and the homestead. The best I’d get is a ‘poor, sick Hawkeye’ or a couple quick laughs. You know they all leaned on me back there? Me!” He jabbed a finger into his own chest.

“Who did you lean on?”

Ben flopped onto his side, facing Daniel with mounting anguish. “BJ, who I also couldn’t talk to because he went home to his picture perfect fucking life. I knew he’d come running and I couldn’t do that to him, let alone Peg and Erin. Not when he just got back. He’s better off without me now.” Apparently something showed on Daniel’s face. “Jesus, dad, not like that. More like he doesn’t need his unstable nut case of a best friend weighing him down from across the country when he can finally watch his daughter’s baby teeth grow in.”

“Why don’t you let him decide that for himself? He’s here, Ben. He wants to be in your life.”

“Why is he here?”

“I invited him.” In classic Ben fashion, Daniel was met with a glare. “I figured he’d want to come and I was right. I figured you’d want him here.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Daniel nodded, noting Ben almost folding in on himself. “Are you mad at me?”

“Mad at you? Why on earth would I be mad at you? I’m mad that you weren’t given the chance to see how incredible you are to everyone around you. I love you more than anything. All of you, even the parts you think are hard to love. Who would I be if I was mad at you?”

“Are you mad at yourself?”

Daniel didn’t know how to answer that. 

So he patted Ben’s cheek and turned over so he was facing the dresser. “We should both try to get some sleep, Ben.”

***

Days stretched into precarious weeks, the three of them coexisting.

Ben was still a little rough around the edges. Sometimes he’d perform Guys and Dolls in the living room to wake BJ upstairs. Sometimes he’d slather blueberry jam on french toast and ignore Daniel and BJ’s protests. Sometimes he would talk to the neighbors over the fence and tease the neighborhood kids when they came by on their paper rounds.

And sometimes he would crawl into Daniel’s arms like he used to after every scraped knee and black eye and ear infection, and stay there for hours. Sometimes he would sleep until noon or struggle to choke down a meal. Sometimes he’d see a reminder of Sarah or Korea and be on edge for the rest of the day.

The important thing is he was alive.

His peaks and valleys were as extreme as ever, but he was breathing.

Daniel went back to work at the clinic and it hurt worse than the first day back after Sarah had Ben. It was strange - how this whole experience conjured memory after memory of Ben’s birth and infancy. He couldn’t go so far as to call this a rebirth. That was too neat and romantic and nice a term for the painful ordeal. Maybe Ben was reborn in Daniel’s eyes. Daniel saw him clearer, more real and actually grown up, now.

One slow Saturday morning Ben crashed on the sofa after breakfast, his face buried in the arm rest and his legs sticking out at what appeared to be deeply uncomfortable angles.

“Hey, Daniel?” BJ was staring a hole into the bottom of his coffee cup.

“What’s on your mind?”

BJ took a deep breath, like he was still convincing himself to talk. “I don’t want to insinuate that Hawkeye doesn’t love home and that this isn’t good for him. But do you think a change of scenery would help?”

Daniel nodded. “Where were you thinking?” The armchair squeaked as BJ shifted in it. “I hear California is lovely this time of year.”

Flushing a dark red, BJ floundered. “Well, he mentioned wanting to meet Erin and we could -”

“BJ, you don’t have to convince me. I think it’s a great idea! Consider this an official prescription.” He clapped BJ on the knee and stood, taking BJ’s empty mug back to the kitchen.

The sun filtered soft and yellow through the curtains over the sink. Daniel parted the draping linen, peaking out at a breezy, blue-skied summer day. He probably should catch up on yard work and gardening. The old crick in his knee throbbed unhelpfully. With a sigh, he resigned himself to at least mow the grass and tend to Sarah’s gardenias out front.

When he returned, delightfully sweaty and just this side of sunburned, Ben was teaching BJ how to turn out popovers. Poking him in the ribs every time he made a pun, it took Ben a moment to acknowledge Daniel’s presence. “Oh Dr. Pierce! You’re just in time for an elegant repast of leftovers and popovers. We’re overjoyed that you can join us over here.”

BJ rolled his eyes and elbowed past Hawkeye with a pitcher of lemonade. He sat down at the table, pouring glasses for the three of them.

“How’s the great outdoors, dad?”

Daniel leaned over the sink to wash his hands and forearms. “Oh, just great. The boys from down the street came careening by on their bikes. Bobby Clark almost smashed up your old one in the ditch, Hawk.”

Interjecting a laugh, BJ spoke up. “Good thing the neighborhood doctor was across the street, they didn’t have to make a last ditch effort.”

“What is with you, today?” Hawkeye turned, suddenly spitting vitriol. BJ’s back straightened. “You’re so - so genial . No cracks about my athletic prowess or lack thereof? No jokes about my driving? It’s like you’re walking on eggshells around me all over again! I can’t stand it.”

“Come to California.”

Ben stared at him, wary.

“It doesn’t have to be for forever but I think it could do you some good.”

“What, and get in the way of your perfect little nuclear family?” Ben spat through a twisted smile. 

And then BJ did the most self-incriminating thing he could have done.

He looked at Daniel. 

“What, what, what? Is something wrong?”

BJ stood, furiously shaking his head. “Hawkeye, this is about you -”

“BJ if-I-knew-your-full-name-I’d-use-it Hunnicutt.” He got in BJ’s face. “I won’t give you your answer, until you give me mine.”

In the pause BJ took - which was answer enough on its own - his eyes darted between Ben and Daniel. He worked the wedding ring off his hand and tossed it down on the kitchen table. “We split up.”

“You split up?” Ben leaned back in surprise. “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah we’re fine. It’s just that people grow.” BJ slipped his hands into his pockets in a poor act of nonchalance.

Ben threw his hands in the air, spinning in a full circle. “I can’t believe it! And you didn’t tell me?!”

“I knew you’d be mad at me!”

“I’m not-” Ben schooled his expression and lowered his temper. “I’m not mad at you. I just wish I knew so I could have been there for you.”

Laughing under his breath, BJ shook his head. “Well, it was hardly…” He trailed off at the totally aghast look on Ben’s face. “Shit.”

“What happened - did she cheat on you? Did you cheat on her? Was it Aggie?”

“Aggie? Aggie ?” Disbelief dripped from BJ’s voice. “No, it wasn’t Aggie.” BJ’s eyes begged Hawkeye to read between the lines and understand. Ben was smart, but Daniel thought BJ was giving him a lot of credit under the circumstances.

“Well what was it?”

“You’re sort of right. I did fall in love.”

“How dare you?” Ben spat, pushing back into BJ’s personal space. “After everything you and Peg went through together? Why, Beej?”

BJ took a shuddering breath. He locked eyes with Daniel, who nodded in encouragement. “Because she’ll never be him.”

They both watched as Hawkeye faltered in place. “Him?”

“Him.” BJ stepped closer. “I’m in love with the most incredible, ridiculous, wonderful man.”

“Who is it?”

“Oh, come on, Hawk. You’ve gotta know by now.”

Something thorny twisted into Ben’s posture. “Beej,” he admonished, the nickname curling into a dark warning.

“Hawkeye.” BJ’s voice cracked and the same desperation from the first day in the hospital wrinkled his brow.

And, well, Daniel had never been one to stick around where he wasn’t needed.

Chapter Text

Daniel watched through the kitchen window as a rental car pulled up and parked on the opposite side of the street. He gingerly ambled down the front steps and across the road, blinking in the early afternoon sunlight. 

BJ opened the blue driver’s side door and stretched. “Hiya, BJ!” 

He pivoted on his heel, his face lighting up when he saw Daniel. “Hey, dad!” BJ wrapped him in a hug.

“How was the trip?”

“Well, it’s no small feat flying with two toddlers.” As he spoke, BJ turned to open the backseat door.

“You didn’t drug him?”

“Unfortunately he was well and medicated. Thankfully, the traffic from Boston wasn’t terrible - I just don’t know if I’ll ever get used to East Coast driving.” Huffing like someone a decade older, BJ plucked a cranky and fidgeting Erin Hunnicutt off of the seat. She fussed around in his arm, dislodging her dirty blonde ringlets even as BJ tried to straighten her ruffly white pinafore. “Can you say hi to Grandpa Daniel?”

Erin turned her face shyly into BJ’s chest in lieu of answering. After treating every resident of Crabapple Cove from birth to death, he knew not to take it personally. She reached up, grabbing for BJ’s face and whispering in his ear.

“This is Grandpa Daniel’s house, you’ll have to ask him.”

She huffed. Then, with a small hand still curled in BJ’s shirt, turned toward Daniel. “Can I go potty?”

“Erin,” BJ prompted.

“Please?”

Daniel was instantly charmed. “Why of course, Miss Erin. You can even use the special soap.” He winked at her, making her fold back into herself. “You remember where it is, don’t you BJ?”

“Course I do. Hey Hawk?” BJ called to the trunk of the car. “I’ll help you in a minute, Erin has some business to attend to.”

“Ah, I warned you about that airplane ginger ale,” Ben’s voice yelled back, obscured by the lifted trunk lid. As BJ and Erin crossed the street toward the house, Daniel walked toward his son. “Hey, dad.” Ben didn’t just hug him, he clung to him. His eyes were unfocused but wet when Daniel pulled away.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I just miss my old man, and this is kind of a big deal, and the drugs haven’t completely worn off yet.” They shared a quiet chuckle before Daniel stooped to help him with the bags. “Dad, you don’t -” He cut Ben off with a patented Pierce glare. 

Not much had changed in the house since Ben was last here. All of Daniel’s favorite mugs had rotated to the front of the cabinet and his rocking chair was a little more worn. The bathroom upstairs had all new towels and rugs since the bathmat was lost. A few more steps creaked. Ben’s breath caught as he walked in, from his facial expression it looked like he couldn’t decide if he was relieved or panicked. They set the bags down on the kitchen table for Ben to sort through.

“Dad,” Ben grabbed his sleeve as he hoisted two of the bags onto a shoulder. “If we’re putting Erin in my room, you took down my pin-ups, right?”

“Of course I did.” Waiting until Ben was half-way up the stairs, he amended his statement. “All of them but Rita Hayworth!”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Erin warmed up to Daniel over dinner, probably because he cut up her potatoes and told her stories in funny voices about Ben’s childhood. Though, BJ may have liked those more than Erin. Ben and BJ insisted on clearing the table and doing the dishes, which Daniel minded much less when Erin approached him with a coloring book and asked him to color with her. Nothing short of gleeful, he carefully wiped down the table and helped spread out her crayons. In between steering Erin as close to inside the lines as she wanted to stay, Daniel - ever the parent - snuck looks at Ben. He put a hand on BJ’s hip and hooked his head over BJ’s shoulder to whisper in his ear. Their shoulders shook in silent laughter. Erin anxiously tugged on his sleeve to tell him that his hand was in the way of the water she needed to color off-purple.

Once the dishes were put away and, more importantly, Erin was done with her latest masterpiece, they all moved into the living room. Daniel glanced through the day’s newspaper, handing off the crossword to BJ for him to work on in the armchair across the room. Ben sat on the couch and worked at knitting what looked like a sweater. Erin toddled after him and sat mesmerized in his lap as he worked the stitches around.

“You know, Ben used to do that when Sarah knit.”

As Ben waggled his eyebrows at Erin and nudged her for being the star of the show, BJ looked ready to melt. He cleared his throat. “Twenty down. Arrow part.”

“How many letters, Beej?”

“Five. Starts with an S.”

Daniel, with the answer already under his tongue, braced himself for Ben’s inevitably crude response.

“You of all people should know that one, darling. Shaft .” There it was. Without looking up from the weather forecast, Daniel knew Ben was now wagging his eyebrows at BJ.

A lull fell over them.

“Well folks,” Daniel folded the newspaper and stood, “anyone want anything from the kitchen while I’m up?” BJ and Ben both shook their heads. “What about Miss Erin?” Her attention captured by the loose ends of the yarn, she shook her head in a daze.

When he walked back into the room with a glass of water, he ruffled Ben’s hair out of habit and kissed the top of his head. 

Erin scrambled out from where she’d wrapped herself up in Ben’s knitting and to the other end of the sofa to stage whisper to BJ. “Why did he do that?”

“Because,” BJ started, gently, “Grandpa is Hawkeye’s daddy.”

“But Hawkeye is old.”

Unable to fully contain a laugh, BJ nodded. “You're right, he most certainly is old. But you never outgrow your parents.”

Erin mulled that over for a while, the tiny wheels in her brain spinning as fast as they could go. “So you’ll always be my daddy?”

“Mmhmm.”

“And mommy will always be my mommy?” She asked, clearly warming up to the idea.

“That’s right,” BJ confirmed, pausing to pencil in another word.

Erin clamored back down the coach and tapped Ben diplomatically on the shoulder. “Will you always be my Hawkeye?”

Ben looked at Daniel with wide, emotional eyes. Then he stuck his knitting on the end table and gathered Erin into his lap. “Yeah, baby, I’ll always be your Hawkeye.” He cradled her head in one of his hands, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Where she couldn’t see, he and BJ shared a tearful look.

Erin yawned.

“I think it’s time to get your knitting assistant to bed.” BJ folded the crossword and stood, tucking it into his back pocket. “Do you want me or Hawkeye to tuck you in?”

“Daddy!” Reaching excitedly for BJ’s grasp, Erin nearly knocked herself out of Ben’s lap.

Ben laughed with his hands squarely keeping her steady. “Excellent choice, kiddo. I’d choose him over me any night of the week.”

“Do you want to say goodnight to Grandpa?” BJ tilted his head to catch her attention.

This time Ben let her go and she rushed to Daniel’s chair to throw her over-eager arms around his neck. “Goodnight, Grandpa.”

“Goodnight, Miss Erin. Sweet dreams.”

BJ swept her up and planted her on his hip. From his place on the couch, Ben grabbed BJ’s free hand. “Are you heading to bed?” BJ nodded. “I’ll be up in a few.” He pressed his lips to BJ’s knuckles. Daniel watched Ben watching BJ, who must have given Ben a look over the railing because Ben stuck his tongue out with a laugh. When Ben caught Daniel watching he blushed. “What?”

“You just look good, kiddo. You’re practically glowing.”

“Aw, shucks.” Ben shrugged in a perfect imitation of modesty.

“So how’ve you been? Are you chief of cardiothoracic yet?”

Ben laughed, crossing his legs. “No, but everyone in the department wants me to be.”

“I take it you don’t.”

“I just don’t know if I need the pressure, you know. One chief surgeon position is quite enough for a lifetime, and it would mean more time away from Erin.”

Technically Daniel knew he had an adult son, but moments like this reminded him that Ben had his own life and wasn’t the rambunctious kid that used to bounce off the walls. “You’re talented. And you’re every bit capable, Ben.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he drawled, a stubborn smile peeking through his facade. “How’s ole Crabapple Cove? Keeping you on your toes?”

“As always. Everybody’s asking about you, especially the kids.”

“Some guys have got it.” A thread on Ben’s pants suddenly stole his focus. “You’re alright, aren’t you dad? I haven’t let you down?”

Daniel couldn’t contain a laugh. “What are you talking about? I’m 67, I’m not entirely helpless yet. You’ve got a life to live, Ben.” His son rubbed at his forehead, clearly not buying it. “I love BJ, and I love Erin, and I love you. I’m never going to be disappointed in you for being happy and healthy. If that means I’m not living down the hall I promise I can handle it.”

A thud sounded overhead.

“I’m glad Dr. Hunnicutt’s world-famous size thirteens are contributing to the conversation. Come on, dad, let’s you get off to bed.”

“Rushing me to hospice already, I see how it is.” Daniel stood, albeit gingerly, and pulled Ben up into a hug. “I can’t tell you how glad I am you’re here.”

Ben hugged him genuinely this time, settling in like he belonged. He’d always belonged, always would, but it was still nice to feel after so many months apart. “Sometimes,” Ben confessed, quiet against Daniel’s ear, “I still get struck with the feeling that I’m glad I lived to see a moment. This is one of those.” Daniel squeezed him even tighter.

They pulled themselves up the stairs, weighed down by age and a long, exciting day. BJ was saying his last goodbyes to Erin through the door to Ben’s old room as they reached the landing. Suddenly remembering the joke he’d played earlier that afternoon, Daniel watched Ben peek through and widen his eyes in shock. Ben hit him on the arm the second BJ latched the door.

“I thought you were kidding about Rita Hayworth!”

“Me? Kid?”

Looking between the two of them, BJ chuckled to himself. “I don’t mind her being up there.”

“Uh huh, I’m sure you don’t.” Ben yanked BJ closer by his side belt loop.

“Peg is always saying Erin needs more female role models.”

Ben huffed. “You two are absolutely incorrigible.”

They hugged goodnight in the low light of the hallway before Ben and BJ headed toward the guest room. Daniel could hear the rumble of their conversation through the wall in the ensuite bathroom. A certain contentedness blossomed in his chest at the realization that the house was full again. Not only was it full, but it was bursting at the seams with laughter and love, just the way a home should be. 

Daniel didn’t like to dwell too long on the past. Particularly not those years after Sarah passed, or with Ben an entire world away. Especially not those months after Ben nearly left him for good. In the moment, he was exceedingly happy and all seemed right with the world. He rinsed his face and slid open the window next to his bed, letting in cool night air and the symphonic sounds of the woods out back.

Ben’s laugh cut through the wall, casting a smile across Daniel’s face as he clicked off the lamp and drifted off to sleep.