Chapter Text
The moment Tsunade left, Kakashi turned to face Iruka.
“I’m sorry.” The words were rushed, as if fueled by anxiety and desperation, but they struck Iruka like a fist, pounding ruthlessly against his already wounded psyche.
He knew that his face was still red, that the jitters in his limbs were from being chastised by the Hokage. The entire visit had been both humiliating and yet at the same time illuminating. It appeared that doing his duty wasn’t enough–he had to actually cultivate a relationship with his husband. They wanted more of him than he ever thought that he would have to give. His body wasn’t enough, his life wasn’t enough–he had to give his heart away as well, or it was never going to work.
“You’re only saying that because Tsunade-sama told you to!” Iruka snapped in self defense, because he hadn’t prepared to hear something like that and it couldn’t possibly be true. Unlike the previous apology this one felt wholly inadequate.
Instead of responding, Kakashi’s eyes settled on the mate-mark on Iruka’s neck, now uncovered. Those eyes, one gleaming coal and the other a burning ember, made Iruka want to pull away and hide the bite under a shirt, another bandage, anything. It was a mockery of everything that a mating bite was supposed to be, and what right did Kakashi have to look at him like that after how he had done it?
It wasn’t even that Iruka wanted the circumstances to reflect love and devotion–Iruka had never expected anything of the sort from Kakashi–but he had hoped that it would be given out of mutual respect and acceptance. Instead, Kakashi had acted like a jerk and attacked him in front of his friends.
Any goodwill that Iruka had built up towards the jounin had been destroyed in that moment. The tenderness of their time together, the consideration Kakashi had given him by reading the books and helping to arrange the den, his real attempts to control his behavior and act like the man Iruka had thought him to be meant nothing when the most visible outward sign of their union had happened so thoughtlessly.
However, Iruka’s body betrayed him in spite of his intentions. Kakashi was his mate, his alpha, his husband. No matter how angry he was, or how much he wished that he could just go back to his old life, he needed to be close to him, and each night, no matter how frustrated he was, he left space for Kakashi in his futon, curling up against him, taking in his smell and smoothing a hand over the scarred pale skin of his stomach and back. He could no more push Kakashi away in the darkness of his room than he could betray Konoha.
With that singular dark gaze fixed on his neck, Iruka felt another flush of shame as he remembered Tsunade’s accusations, even as his body began to react to the closeness of his mate. The weakest part of Iruka wanted to accept the apology, to sweep aside his discomfort and frustration and move forward. It would be the easier path, after all.
Kakashi lifted a hand towards the mark. “May I?” Iruka swallowed his protest and nodded.
When Kakashi’s fingers brushed over the mark, a shiver ran through Iruka.
“That wasn’t how I wanted to do this,” Kakashi murmured.
Iruka’s curiosity got the better of him. “How did you want to do it?” he asked.
Kakashi stepped in closer, close enough to kiss if Iruka just tilted his head up…if Kakashi just pulled his mask down, if he weren’t still so angry and frustrated and humiliated…There was tension between them, thick and heady, like a sparring match that hadn't begun.
“I was going to wait until you asked me,” Kakashi said. “Until you really wanted it. Until you really wanted me .”
“I don’t–” Iruka gulped. The rough leather of Kakashi’s glove closed over the mark. He couldn’t finish. He did want Kakashi. Dammit, he wanted this to work, he wanted it to be more than duty. He wanted to fall in love with his mate, but–
“You don’t have to forgive me,” Kakashi said. “I’ve been trying to make it up to you, but I’m not good at this sort of thing.”
“I can tell,” Iruka said. Not that Iruka was much better at this, but at least he wasn’t keeping secrets and acting erratically.
“Can I kiss you?” Kakashi asked. His body was almost pressed up against Iruka now. Iruka knew that he should say no. He should walk away, go back to his cold silences and the crushing loneliness of a mate he didn’t love.
“Yes,” Iruka said instead. Slowly, as if he were considering each movement before he acted, Kakashi pulled his mask down and leaned in, but his lips didn’t meet Iruka’s. Instead, he tilted his head and pressed warm lips to the mate-mark.
Oh . It felt better than days of salves and bandages. Iruka melted slightly as some of the tension drained away.
“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said again. This time the words were soft and close, and rang with sincerity that the earlier rushed apology had lacked. Kakashi looped one arm around Iruka’s waist, and the other slid up to cup the back of the omega’s neck to hold him in place while he lavished gentle kisses on the mate mark.
It felt divine. A tiny moan escaped Iruka’s lips, and then he felt the familiar prodding of Kakashi’s cock rising against him. He expected to be repulsed–he wasn’t in heat, he wasn’t in love, he had no previous attraction to Kakashi before they were married–but the opposite was true. Warmth rushed to his groin at the feeling, and he had to steady himself against Kakashi with a firm grip on the alpha’s shoulder.
“How can I make it up to you?” Kakashi asked against his neck, still gentle and careful.
“Kiss me,” Iruka said, pulling the other man in closer. Kakashi obliged, warm lips enveloping Iruka’s mouth. They hadn’t kissed since their heat/rut cycle, and those kisses had been punctuated by the instinctive need to fuck. Now they took their time, tasting and feeling each other out with lips and tongues. Iruka shifted slightly to line their hips up against one another, his own burgeoning erection slotting up against his mate’s. Kakashi was surprisingly tentative with his kisses. It reminded Iruka of before, when they were first getting a feel for their intimacy, following the steps on the map outlined in the book. They had jumped over quite a few steps when Iruka’s heat hit sooner than they had anticipated, however.
Maybe what they needed was to go back and fill in those gaps. For all that they had shared, Iruka still felt like he hardly knew Kakashi at all.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” Kakashi whispered when their lips finally parted. A pale thumb ran along Iruka’s jaw, and Kakashi pressed their foreheads together.
“I know,” Iruka admitted. Whenever he did catch a glimpse of the man behind the aloof exterior he saw someone even more vulnerable and lost than himself. Someone sincere and gentle. That was the man he wanted to be mated to, not the indifferent copy-nin, not the elite jounin, not the aggressive alpha. If he had to spend the rest of his life with Hatake Kakashi, he wanted it to be with the real Kakashi. “But you have to be honest with me. I want you to be yourself, the self you were when you were in rut, when you were vulnerable and real and close to me. I want to know your secrets.”
“I don’t have–ah,” Kakashi’s face reddened and Iruka cracked a smile and a shaky laugh, the first he’d felt in days.
“Is it a reflex, to hide yourself?” Iruka asked in a wry voice.
Kakashi huffed out a small laugh, and their shared smiles broke the tension. Things weren’t fixed, and Iruka wasn’t ready to completely forgive Kakashi, but this was a good start. An apology. A gentle touch. A connection.
Iruka ran his fingers through Kakashi’s soft, pale hair. He wished he knew what was going on in that head, how that sharp intelligence and calculating mind were working, how his mate was feeling. The alpha’s scent was subdued, calm and slightly melancholy, but Iruka didn’t know what to make of it.
“Most of the people I’ve been close to in my life are dead,” Kakashi said slowly. “Opening up feels more dangerous than facing a squad of enemy shinobi.”
Iruka laughed. “Only you would think that,” he said. “But if that’s the case, then you just need to train yourself to have healthy emotional habits.”
Kakashi looked up at him hopefully. “How do I do that?”
“I have no idea. Maybe we can find a book called ‘ Psychological Help for the Emotionally Constipated’ or something?”
There was a pause between them, Kakashi’s eyes wide with surprise, and then he was laughing, a genuine, happy laughter that Iruka had never heard from his mate before, and never imagined he would see on the copy-nin, maskless and mirthful. It was contagious, and wonderful, and it almost felt like a new start.
*
The rest of the day passed without the strain that had plagued them since the mating-bite incident. Iruka was tired of being angry, of the tenseness and the silence. Things weren’t perfect by any means, but they were beginning to take the shape of something more normal.
That night they climbed into Iruka’s futon as they had every night since the heat/rut cycle, but this time, Iruka turned towards his husband and just looked at him, soaking in the sight of that handsome face. He took one of Kakashi’s hands and pressed it against his own neck, guiding that broad palm against the mate-mark, sighing at the warm relief of his mate’s skin on the still-tender flesh. Then he reached across the gap between their pillows and ran his thumb across Kakashi’s face scar, starting above his eyebrow and trailing down, ghosting over the closed sharingan eye and the high cheekbone, all the way to the top of his lip.
Kakashi seemed to hold his breath, only letting out a shaky puff of air when Iruka kissed him gently on that scarred eye.
“I was 11,” Kakashi said in a subdued voice. Iruka didn’t respond. “I had just been promoted to jounin and Minato-sensei put me in charge of part of the mission. After a series of mistakes including me being a trash human being and refusing to go and rescue one of my teammates when she was captured, my remaining teammate–my friend– Obito was crushed. He was dying, and he gave me…”
Kakashi opened the sharingan eye, and Iruka watched the wheel spin for a moment, mesmerizing and deadly and foreign. Then Kakashi closed it again. “Rin was a medic-nin. She did the transplant. Obito…” Kakashi trailed off. His words were steady, his breathing calm and composed.
Iruka knew without Kakashi having to finish the story. Obito was dead. And if he hadn’t died then, he most likely would have been massacred along with the rest of the Uchiha clan anyway. What a fucked up world. Iruka’s traumas seemed small in comparison. He’d lost his parents in the kyuubi attack, but so had lots of kids. Everyone lost in the wars, in the attacks–they were all friends, family and comrades to someone .
“You were just a kid, Kakashi. Doing your best?”
“I could have been better. Like this, with us–I can do better.” He closed both eyes then, and Iruka pulled him into his chest, wrapping him in his arms, letting his scent free, trying his best to evoke comfort and safety and understanding , so much as something that complex could be communicated nonverbally. It seemed to work as the tight pull of Kakashi’s shoulder muscles gradually softened and relaxed.
“You’re not the only one,” Iruka said. “I’ve been so angry, pushing you away. I…have a temper.”
“Hmm. I’m not sure I noticed,” Kakashi said, and Iruka could feel the smile against his neck. Iruka chuckled.
“Yes well, now you know. So do your best not to make me angry,” Iruka said loftily.
Kakashi pulled back to look Iruka in the eye again, their foreheads pressed together. “I want to make it up to you,” he said.
“You have, thank you. For sharing that part of your life with me, for apologizing for real, for not leaving. Nothing about this has been easy for either of us.”
“You’re my mate now,” Kakashi said, and it sent a thrill through Iruka to hear the words in the other man’s mouth. He knew that it was true–he had the bite on his neck to prove it–but it was actually beginning to feel true. Kakashi’s scent was almost as familiar and comforting as his own, now.
“I want to make you feel good,” Kakashi’s face flushed slightly. It was endearing, that after everything that they had done, that Kakashi would blush about whatever sexual fantasy he was too shy to share. Iruka had blown Kakashi on the front porch for goodness sake.
“Tell me,” Iruka said gently. “It’s okay. I want to know.”
“Can I try using my mouth on you?” One of the alpha’s hands slid down between them, gently resting on Iruka’s thigh.
Well. That was not what Iruka had been expecting. It wasn’t a very alpha thing to request–was that why Kakashi was so hesitant? Kakashi’s blush darkened and he looked as if he was holding his breath, waiting for Iruka’s response. Iruka had never actually been the recipient of a blowjob before. It seemed like an oversight in his sexual experiences, and if Kakashi was offering…he wasn’t about to deny that request.
“Yes,” Iruka said, breathless. “If you want to.”
Kakashi’s breathing evened out in obvious relief and he smiled again. When Iruka saw that smile light up Kakashi’s face, he felt like the most privileged man in the world. Every time , Iruka thought. He didn’t have time to dwell on it, however, because Kakashi was helping him pull off the worn t-shirt he wore to bed, the better to kiss his way down Iruka’s chest, lingering for a moment on Iruka’s nipples, then making his way down to the soft trail of hair below Iruka’s navel.
It only took half of a minute for Kakashi to work his way down to Iruka’s waistband, and already Iruka could feel both his cock and pussy leaking with anticipation. There was a little shifting around as Kakashi threw the blankets off and Iruka shed his pants and arranged the pillows behind his back so that he could watch.
Kakashi’s face nuzzled against Iruka’s erection through the underwear for a moment before those, too, were pulled down and off. When Iruka looked down the length of his body, Kakashi was studying the omega’s cock with adoration that made Iruka suddenly self-conscious, kneeling between Iruka’s slightly spread legs
“It’s not big,” he said, shifting under the intense gaze and flushing slightly. It was average, Iruka knew. He’d never wished for a monster alpha cock, perfectly content with his own adequate equipment. (And Kakashi had seen it and touched it before so why was he even worried?)
“You’re perfect,” Kakashi sighed. His warm breath ghosted over the sensitive skin, and then his tongue was exploring, lavishing, teasing at the veins and the dripping head, his hands holding Iruka’s thighs tightly in place while the alpha explored his mate. Iruka shuddered and felt his whole body go weak at the onslaught of sensation, the hot wet pleasure. “Spread your legs,” Kakashi said gently, nudging Iruka’s knees apart with his elbow.
Iruka obeyed, and Kakashi’s firm grip on his thigh loosened, fingers moving… Oh . Iruka felt the probing touch of a slender finger on his pussy with a shock, and then the swiping of a gentle tongue as Kakashi tasted him down there as well.
Iruka’s breath turned to an encouraging moan at that. The finger probed deeper, slow and curious, and his mouth trailed wet kisses all the way from his slick-soaked entrance up the underside of Iruka’s cock, then those perfect lips parted and enveloped Iruka’s cock completely.
“Kakashi,” Iruka gasped at the feeling. It wasn’t like sex while topping a beta or like during heat when Kakashi’s hand had gripped him. Once he’d fucked a female beta, burying his cock inside her as a curiosity, but it didn’t feel anywhere near as good as this. Kakashi’s mouth worked him up and down, and a second finger joined the first in Iruka’s pussy, twisting and moving and completely unlike being fucked. His tongue dipped back down to taste the slick dripping from the entrance and he added another finger.
“You taste amazing,” Kakashi confessed when he pulled off to breathe. “Is it…working for you?” He looked so uncertain and earnest, Iruka almost wanted to laugh, but then Kakashi crooked his fingers inside him and all he could do was moan again, ragged and broken.
“It’s good,” Iruka reassured him when he caught his breath again. “It’s great, I’m…really close,” He ran his hands through Kakashi’s hair and clenched his pussy around those long twining fingers, his head falling back against the pillows and his back arching.
“Good,” Kakashi murmured against Iruka’s cock before sucking him down again, taking him as far down into his throat as he could, tongue still undulating, and then swallowing.
Iruka’s hips jerked and he came, a long drawn-out orgasm that shook him from the top of his head to the tip of his cock and more, down to the soles of his feet. His pussy clenched and his cum pulsed from him, and Kakashi didn’t release him, swallowing again to get every last drop before he pulled his face away to watch Iruka’s reaction.
Iruka wasn’t capable of making words, or letting go of Kakashi’s hair, or anything at all other than uttering another long wordless moan.
“I hope I did okay,” Kakashi said. Iruka pulled him up and on top of him, aching to feel the weight of his alpha covering him, still shivering as little bolts of ograsm sparked up and down his body.
“You did,” Iruka said. When they kissed, he could taste the strange salty flavor of himself. “Not that I have anything to compare it to.”
“Really?” Kakashi sounded surprised. Iruka didn’t bother putting his clothes back on, choosing instead to pull the blankets back up over them both and cuddle up against his mate’s chest. He hadn’t felt this content in a very long time.
“Really. That was the first time anyone has done that for me.”
“Ah. Well. I hope you’ll let me keep apologizing for my mistakes this way,” Kakashi said. He pressed a kiss to the top of Iruka’s head and wrapped his long, strong arms around the omega.
“Hmm. If you’re not careful, apologetic Kakashi will become my favorite and I won’t be able to be mad at you at all.”
They fell asleep nestled together, mates in spirit as well as body at last.