Chapter 1
Notes:
A few jokes inspired by the new season and past seasons of Stranger Things
Chapter Text
Steve, teaching Max how to drive: You see Lucas and Dustin crossing the street. What do you hit?
Max: Lucas.
Steve: The breaks! You hit the breaks!
--
Steve: Truth or Dare?
Robin: Truth.
Steve: When was the last time you slept?
Robin: Dare.
Steve: Go to sleep Robin.
Robin: I don’t like this game.
--
Lucas: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
Max: It saves time.
--
Will: Can I say a bad word?
Will: CAN I SAY A BAD WORD?
Jonathan: Sure.
Will to Mike: You FUCKING BASTARD.
--
Nancy: And who exactly do you call yourselves as?
Robin: I’m drop.
Eddie: I’m dead.
Steve: And I’m gorgeous. Together, we make the Drop Dead Gorgeous Trio.
Eddie: But separately…
Robin: I’ve dropped to the floor.
Eddie: I’m dead.
Steve: And I’m still gorgeous.
Nancy:
Robin:
Eddie:
Steve:
Nancy: *completely done* I’m going back to work.
--
Mike and Nancy texting
Nancy: ❤️
Mike: 3>
Mike: wait how do I turn the 3
Nancy: omfg
Nancy: <+3=❤️
Mike: nvm I got it
Mike: Ɛ>
Nancy: what the fuck
--
Eddie: Would you take a bullet for me?
Dustin: I would do anything for you boss
Dustin: Except eat mushrooms. Those things are freaking nasty.
--
*in mikes’ basement*
Eleven: *gently taps table*
Mike: *taps back*
Max: What are they doing?
Lucas: Morse code.
Eleven:*aggressively taps table*
Mike:*slams hand down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK
--
*in the upside down*
Steve: Damn this thing is huge
Eddie: You know what else is huge? My d-
Dustin: DEVOTION AND LOVE FOR JESUS CHRIST, CAN I GET AN AMEN!
Chapter Text
Nancy: You know those things will kill you, right?
Steve, opening another can of beer: That’s the point.
Eddie, smoking weed: We’re trying to speed up the process.
Robin: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*
--
Mike: I’m an idiot
Max:
Dustin:
Will:
Eleven:
Lucas:
Max: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, it’s going to be a long day.
--
Steve: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?
Nancy: Plane tickets?
Eddie: Concert tickets?
Robin: Prostitution?
Steve, holding his broken frames: Glasses
Nancy: I didn’t know you wore glasses.
Steve: I was too lazy to put my contacts in.
--
Dustin: Why are your tongues purple?
Steve: We got slushies. I had a blue one.
Eddie: And I had a red one.
Dustin: You drank each other's slushies?
Lucas, whispering in Dustin's ear:
Dustin: oh
Dustin:
Dustin: OH
--
Will: If you had to choose between Lucas and all the money in my wallet right now, which would you choose?
Max: Lucas, because he’s a good g-
Will: I have 63 cents.
Max: I’ll take the money never mind.
Lucas: WHAT THE HELL
--
Dustin: We need to get through this locked door. Steve give me your credit card.
Steve: Here.
Dustin, pocketing it: Thanks. Nancy, shoot the door.
Steve: HENDERSON
--
Argyle: Rules are made to be broken.
Jonathan: They were made to be followed, Argyle. Nothing is made to be broken.
Will, Uh, pinatas.
Eleven: Glowsticks.
Mike: Karate boards.
Will: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Argyle: Rules.
Jonathan:
--
Eddie: Today is a day of running through hurdles.
Dustin: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER the hurdles?
Eddie: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.
--
Max: *falls from the sky*
Lucas: *catches them* I think you just
Lucas:
Lucas:
Lucas: Fell for me
Max: Put me down, I’m breaking your legs
Notes:
I have returned with a new chapter!! I hope y'all think it's funny.
Chapter Text
Argyle: I was arrested for being too cool.
Jonathan: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.
Argyle: Why can’t you just let me be happy
--
Steve: You steal from the tip jar?!
Robin: I can explain
Steve: And all this time I’ve just been working for my paychecks like a chump!
--
Will: I currently have seven empty canvases and I have no clue what to put on them. Suggestions?
Argyle: Put spaghetti on it.
Will: I’m currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.
Jonathan: Put spaghetti on it.
Will: I’m currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.
Eleven: Put spaghetti on it.
Will: I’m no longer taking suggestions.
--
Max: What time is it?
Eddie: I don’t know, pass me my guitar and we’ll find out.
Eddie: *plugs into an amp and plays loudly and extremely out of tune*
Neighbor: WHO THE FUCK OS PLAYING SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Eddie: It’s 2 am
--
Steve: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?
Mike: Bold of you to assume I was born at all
Lucas: I personally was created in a lab
Dustin: I just straight up spawned lol
--
Nancy: Why are Mike and Will sitting with their back to each other?
Eleven: They had a fight.
Nancy: Then why are they holding hands?
Eleven: They get sad when they fight.
--
Robin: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang a mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under.
Steve: Robin, no.
Eddie: Mistlefoe.
Steve: Please stop encouraging her
--
Dustin: Time for plan G
Steve: Don’t you mean plan B?
Dustin: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. We had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Lucas: what about plan D?
Dustin: Plan D was that terrible shoot-it plan we had half an hour ago.
Will: What about plan E?
Dustin: I’m hoping not to use it. Mike dies in plan E.
Max: I like plan E.
--
Argyle, whilst high: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?
Will: You’re a hazard to society
Jonathan, who is also high: And a coward. DO TWENTY.
--
Max: Is Steve sleeping or dead?
Robin: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.
Eddie: Yeah, so did I.
Steve: Okay, first of all, fuck you-
--
Steve: WHY. Why did you give the kids WEED?!
Eddie: I'm sorry. They said they felt nervous.
Steve: Now I feel nervous!
Eddie: … Would you like some weed?
Steve: … yes.
--
Lucas: Screams
Erica: Screams louder to establish dominance
Dustin: Should we do something?
Mike: No, I want to see who wins.
Notes:
I have returned again
Chapter Text
Max: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Eleven: Not if they consent to it.
Dustin: Depends on who you’re stabbing.
Lucas: YES?!?
--
Will: Why buy fake Halloween props? They’re bad for the environment.
Mike: Yeah, you could totally just go to Nancy to get some real stuff. It’s totally environmentally friendly!
Will:
--
Steve: While I’m gone, Lucas, you’re in charge
Lucas: Yes Steve!!
Steve, whispering to Dustin: You’re secretly in charge.
Dustin: Obviously
--
Steve: What does ‘take out’ mean?
Robin: Food
Nancy: Dating
Jonathan: Murder
Eddie: It cant mean all three if you aren’t a coward!
--
Will: Mike was banned from the theater, so we had to go out of town to watch a movie.
Mike: They shouldn't have said “all you can eat popcorn” if you didn't mean it.
Will: Mike, you grabbed every bucket they had and shoved popcorn into it.
--
Eleven, setting down a card: Ace of spades
Jonathan, pulling out a UNO card: +4
Argyle, pulling out a pokemon card: Pikachu, I choose you!
Will, trembling: What are we even playing?
--
Eleven: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?
Max: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.
Dustin: Tackle him.
Lucas: Dump him.
Will: Kick him in the shin.
Mike: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.
--
Max: I can’t believe we’re stuck in this room together.
Lucas, shoving the key down his pants: Truly unfortunate.
--
Steve: Crushes are the worse
Eddie: Yeah. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid
Steve: Pfft, you’re always stupid
Eddie: Yeahhhh, don’t think about that too hard
Steve:
--
Mike: The first one to reply is gat
Mike: gay*
Mike: wait..
--
Steve: Any tips on how to get girls?
Robin: Try to make them laugh all the time
Steve: Oh wow you actually helped me and it’s even a good one
Robin: The more they laugh the more time they spend with their eyes closed, so it’d be easier for you to figure out why you don’t get girls.
--
Dustin: any last words
Eddie: Nah, just kill me already. I’ve been running my ass off and now i’m getting killed by those sons of bitches. Should’ve killed myself a long time ago because school has brought me nothing but shit anyway. So lets just get it the fuck over with.
Dustin:
Dustin: Eddie we talked about this.
--
Argyle: FOUR MONTHS
Will: What’s he screaming about
Jonathan: It’s really not that big of a deal.
Argyle: THAT'S HOW LONG YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT.
--
Max: What are you, five?
Mike: Yeah, five heads taller than you
Max:
Mike:
Max
Mike: Please don’t break my legs like last time
Notes:
IM SORRY i pulled an all nighter then i slept all day then excuse excuse im here now.
Chapter Text
Argyle: If you put “violently” in front of anything to describe your action, it automatically makes it funnier.
Nancy: Violently trains.
Robin: Violently works without Steve.
Jonathan: Violently steals girlfriends.
Eddie: Violently sells illegal products.
Steve: Violently worries about previous statement.
--
Lucas: I made tea.
Dustin: I don’t want tea.
Lucas: I didn’t make you tea. This is my tea.
Dustin: Then why did you tell me?
Lucas: It’s a conversation starter.
Dustin: It’s a terrible conversation starter.
Lucas: Oh is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.
--
Nancy: Why are you smiling?
Robin: What? Can’t I just be happy?
Eddie: Steve tripped and fell in the driveway.
--
Eleven: Do you ever feel bugs on you when there are no bugs?
Lucas: Those are the ghosts of all the bugs you’ve killed.
Eleven:
Will: Look what you did, you scared her.
--
Robin: What’s on your mind?
Eddie: Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet we can tiptoe, yet you can not tipfing- Rob where are you going?
--
Steve: I got Netflix for you like you asked
Dustin: Finally, I’ve been mooching off yours for years so this'll be nice.
Steve: Wait, what do you mean account?
Dustin: Your Netflix account.
Steve:
Dustin: Like the profile? I wanted an account of my own, they’re like $8.
Steve:
Steve: Ohh.. you wanted an account. On the service.
Dustin: Yeah.. what did you think I meant?
Steve:
Steve: Netflix.
--
Jonathan: What are you doing?
Argyle: Offering moral support
Jonathan: You have morals???
Argyle: No, but I support those who do.
--
Max: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Steve: And what’s wrong with the one we live in?
Dustin: Wait- WHAT?
Steve: Goodnight
--
Steve: On a scale of one to ten, you’re a nine, because I’m the one you need
Eddie: I’m a ten
Steve: No, it’s a pickup li-
Eddie: I. Am. A. TEN.
--
Jonathan: Will, I thought you were decorating for Halloween.
Will: We are.
Jonathan: You’re just hanging up pictures of Argyle.
Eleven: You said you wanted scary decorations.
Jonathan: What did he do this time?
Notes:
Double header since I missed a few days
Chapter Text
Lucas: You tricked me!
Max: nono, I deceived you. “Tricked” makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
--
Jonathan: You’re blocking the view.
Argyle: I am the view.
--
Mike: *posts a super low quality photo to the group chat*
Dustin: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image i’d have 15 cents.
Mike: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read that text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.
Max: Actually I did the math, Dustin would have $225, not $0.15
Dustin: Traitor
Eleven: If I had had a dollar I’d buy a can of soda :)
Will: While you’re at it could you buy me an apple juice?
Eleven: Sorry I only have one dollar
Will:
Lucas: Hey I just realized Max is right, Dustin would have $22,500 because it’s a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Eleven: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apple juice
Max: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Will: Yeah, and they want soda and apply juice
Dustin: apply juice to what
Mike: Directly to the forehead
Erica: Great chat everyone!
--
Steve: Hey Rob, can I get a sip of your water?
Robin: It’s not water
Steve: Vodka, I like your style!
Robin: It’s vinegar.
Steve: Wha-what
Robin: It’s vinegar COWARD
--
Steve: You have to apologize to Lucas
Max: Fine
Max: ‘Unfuck you’ or whatever
--
Mike: Are you sure this is the right direction?
Dustin: Certainly, I am as sure as I am cool
Mike: In that case, we’re definitely lost
Dustin: HEY
--
Steve: I’m kind of crushing on someone. But I’m worried about telling you because you’re not going to like it.
Nancy: Just rip the bandage off.
Steve: It’s Eddie.
Nancy: Put the bandage back on.
--
Jonathan: Don’t worry I have a few knives up my sleeve
Will: I think you mean cards
Jonathan, pulling a knife out of his sleeve: No, I do not.
--
Eleven: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Will: Several traffic violations
Jonathan: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Argyle: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks
Mike: Also, that’s not our van.
--
*first episode of Max’s cooking show*
Max: today I will show you how to make a delicious meal with just one ingredient.
Max: A phone
Max, calling the pizza place: I’ll have a Hawaiian pizza please, with extra pineapple.
Chapter Text
Will: Steve, I have problems with a boy
Steve: “He’s bullying me” problems, or “I like him” problems?
Will: …I like him problems
Steve: Will, I got nothing. I could have helped with the other one though.
--
Max: Making my way downtown
Max: Roling fast
Max:
Max: Rolling slower because Lucas is slow
--
Nancy: How petty can you get?
Robin: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.
--
Will: Where are you going?
Argyle: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on my way there
--
Mike: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something
Eleven: Nope, absolutely not
Lucas: I hope it sucks, whatever you’re going through
Dustin: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life
Max: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Lucas: I can't wait to go to your funeral knowing I could have changed the outcome.
Will: I would
Mike: Only Will's opinion matters.
--
Will: You lying cheating piece of shit!
Dustin: Oh yeah. You’re the idiot who thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
Will: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING EL WITH ME!
Steve, picking up the monopoly board: I think we should stop playing now.
--
Dustin: Heyo
Miki: Hihi
Will: Hello, Humans
Lucas: Three kinds of people.
Eleven: I want pudding.
Lucas: Four kinds of people.
Max: WHATS UP FUCKERS
Lucas: Five kinds of people
--
Steve: You’re probably one of those beautiful people that don’t even know it.
Eddie: No, I know it.
--
Will: Why is Jonathan on the counter?
Eleven: He likes to be high.
--
Will: Any cute things to call your boyfriend?
Dustin: Honey
Max: Sugar
Lucas: Flour
Dustin: Egg
Eleven: ½ lb butter
Max: Pour into a pan
Lucas: Preheat to 350 degrees
--
Steve: I have feelings for you.
Robin: Really?
Steve: Yes, I feel like you’re a little annoying
Robin: Wow that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
--
Eddie: Whenever somebody responds with “I beg your pardon?” assert your dominance by saying “Then beg.”
--
Eleven: With great power comes the great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
The party:
--
Mike: I’m still trying to figure out why you’re dating me.
Will: Because you’re sweet and caring.
Mike: Well Nancy saysI’m bitter and grumpy so one of you is lying.
--
Dustin: *ordering a cake over the phone*
Shop Employee: And what would you like your cake to say?
Dustin, covering the phone to look at Steve: Do we want a talking cake?
--
Mike: Nancy can I talk to you for a second?
Nancy: Yeah, what’s up? Let me guess you and Will are having problems kissing and you want me to teach you how to kiss?
Mike: No, what the fuck, stop that. I know how to kiss, I’ve read books.
--
Steve: Look guys, I need help.
Nancy: Love help?
Jonathan: Financial help?
Robin: Emotional help?
Eddie: Help moving a body?
*everybody looks at Eddie*
Eddie: What?
Chapter Text
Lucas: What’s worse than heartbreak?
Dustin: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you’re sorry.
--
Robin: How did you two get into an accident?
Steve: We were driving and there was a deer on the road so I yelled “Eddie, deer!”
Robin: And?
Steve: Tell him what you said
Eddie: Eddie: I said, “Yes honey?”
--
Argyle: When have I done anything rash or irresponsible?
Jonathan: I have a list. It’s alphabetized.
--
Steve: Friendly reminder not to eat too much candy before bed.
Mike: no
Steve: That was a gentle reminder but the words bring me an ungodly amount of rage.
Mike: word
Steve: I want nothing more than to give you an uppercut to heaven’s front door.
--
Will: You shouldn’t be drinking that much coffee
Jonathan: Coffee cures depression
Jonathan: More espresso, less depresso.
--
Mike: Are sex toys alive in the toy story universe?
Dustin: I hate you why would you ask that question?
Lucas: Haha very funny. Just one question what the fuck is wrong with you?
Eleven: What’s a sex toy?
Will: *plots to murder Mike*
Steve: *chokes on his food* I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING DINNER
--
Robin: Man, I don’t know how you deal with these kids they look like a handful.
Steve, watching Dustin try to strangle Mike. Max and El set fire to a sleeping Lucas. And Will choking on air.
Steve: Honestly, I don’t know either.
--
Mike: Two brooos! Chillin’ in a hot tub! Five feet apart coz they’re not gay!
Will: Mike you’re my boyfriend
Mike:
Will: And you’re sitting on my lap
Mike:
Will: Literally everything you just said was inaccurate.
--
[over the phone]
Lucas: Come over
Max: I can't, my bike only has one wheel
Lucas: Do you have a unicycle?
Max: You were supposed to say, "but my parents aren' t home"
Lucas: I was distracted by your unicycle
Max: Okay, start over
Lucas: Come over
Max: I can't, my bike only has one wheel
Lucas: What color is your unicycle?
Max: fuck you
--
Steve: I hate when I misplace my glasses because then I have to go around looking like I’m suspicious of everything.
Eddie: *mimics Steve* What about you, cabinet? You sketchy piece of shit? Did you take ‘em?
Steve: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Notes:
double header for all the days I missed because I forgot
Chapter Text
Nancy: So, what did we practice you would say to Will?
Mike: "Will you go out with me tomorrow night?"
Nancy: And what did you say to Will?
Mike: I accidentally told him to suck my dick.
Nancy: HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY TELL SOMEONE TO SUCK YOUR DICK?
Mike: I PANICKED!
--
Eddie: Yeah, we're friends, but I would fuck you if you asked.
Steve: What?
Eddie: What?
Robin: *eating chips in the background* You said you would fuck him if he asked.
--
Dustin: Max, I really think you should just talk to Lucas.
Max: He already made his decision. why should I care?
Dustin: Because one, couples talk things out. And two, he's standing outside with flowers and chocolate.
Lucas, from outside: I couldn't find any chocolate, so I brought a bagel.
Dustin: Make that flowers and a doughy treat.
--
Dustin: Can you guys just TRY to see it from MY perspective.
Mike: *gets on knees*
Lucas: *crouches down*
Dustin:
Dustin: I will break your bones in your sleep.
--
Eleven: I just ended a four year relationship.
Max: Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Eleven: Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't my relationship.
*Mike and Will fighting from across the room*
--
Will: You can't sleep your problems away
Jonathan: I can try, though.
--
Robin: [Talking about Eddie and Steve] My god, would you two just get a room already?
Steve: Excuse me?
Robin: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
Eddie: Steve would you—
Steve: DON'T EVEN FUCKING SAY ANYTHING
--
Argyle: Let me see what you have
Eleven: A knife!
Argyle: Okay, have fu-
Will: NO
--
Lucas: What's up with Mike? He's been laying on the floor for like an hour
Dustin: He's just a little overwhelmed.
Lucas: Why?
Dustin: William giggled
--
Nancy: You are exceptionally quiet.
Robin: I walk around like everything is fine.
Nancy: Are you okay?
Robin: But deep down
Nancy: Yeah?
Robin: Inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
--
Argyle: I don't know, l just kinda feel like we're meant to be together. I mean, just look at how fate threwus at each other!
Jonathan: It's 3 am and you're stuck in the middle of my window. How did you even get here in the first place?
Argyle: Fate. I just told you.
--
Robin: what did the couch say to the couch on the other side of the room
Steve: what
Robin: we're sofa apart *deranged noises*
Steve: and I'm sofa king done
--
Nancy: I have no fears
Mike: I'm cooking tonight
Nancy: One fear
--
Steve: *walking down the stairs* Is something burning...?
Eddie: *leaning against the counter* Just my desire for you.
Steve: Eddie, the toaster is on fire.
--
Dustin: You said you had nothing to do with that prank. Are you lying to me?
Eddie: That depends on how you define lying.
Dustin: Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?
Eddie: Reclining your body in a horizontal position.
Dustin:
Eddie:
Dustin: Get out of my house.
Eddie: Absolutely.
Notes:
i'm so so sorry i went kinda missing for a while i started school and sports again so it's a bit tiring but it's all good. i might update less frequently.
Adawg198 on Chapter 1 Fri 29 Jul 2022 06:48AM UTC
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