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Stranger Things Chat Fix(it)

Summary:

A fix it funny chat fic with the main characters.

Chapter 1

Notes:

A few jokes inspired by the new season and past seasons of Stranger Things

Chapter Text

Steve, teaching Max how to drive: You see Lucas and Dustin crossing the street. What do you hit?

Max: Lucas.

Steve: The breaks! You hit the breaks!

--

Steve: Truth or Dare?

Robin: Truth.

Steve: When was the last time you slept?

Robin: Dare.

Steve: Go to sleep Robin.

Robin: I don’t like this game.

--

Lucas: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?

Max: It saves time.

--

Will: Can I say a bad word?

Will: CAN I SAY A BAD WORD?

Jonathan: Sure.

Will to Mike: You FUCKING BASTARD.

--

Nancy: And who exactly do you call yourselves as?

Robin: I’m drop.

Eddie: I’m dead.

Steve: And I’m gorgeous. Together, we make the Drop Dead Gorgeous Trio.

Eddie: But separately…

Robin: I’ve dropped to the floor.

Eddie: I’m dead.

Steve: And I’m still gorgeous.

Nancy:

Robin:

Eddie:

Steve:

Nancy: *completely done* I’m going back to work.

--

Mike and Nancy texting

Nancy: ❤️

Mike: 3>

Mike: wait how do I turn the 3

Nancy: omfg

Nancy: <+3=❤️

Mike: nvm I got it

Mike: Ɛ>

Nancy: what the fuck

--

Eddie: Would you take a bullet for me?

Dustin: I would do anything for you boss

Dustin: Except eat mushrooms. Those things are freaking nasty.

--

*in mikes’ basement*

Eleven: *gently taps table*

Mike: *taps back*

Max: What are they doing?

Lucas: Morse code.

Eleven:*aggressively taps table*

Mike:*slams hand down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK

--

*in the upside down*

Steve: Damn this thing is huge

Eddie: You know what else is huge? My d-

Dustin: DEVOTION AND LOVE FOR JESUS CHRIST, CAN I GET AN AMEN!

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Nancy: You know those things will kill you, right?

Steve, opening another can of beer: That’s the point.

Eddie, smoking weed: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Robin: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

--

Mike: I’m an idiot

Max:

Dustin:

Will:

Eleven:

Lucas:

Max: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, it’s going to be a long day.

--

Steve: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?

Nancy: Plane tickets?

Eddie: Concert tickets?

Robin: Prostitution?

Steve, holding his broken frames: Glasses

Nancy: I didn’t know you wore glasses.

Steve: I was too lazy to put my contacts in.

--

Dustin: Why are your tongues purple?

Steve: We got slushies. I had a blue one.

Eddie: And I had a red one.

Dustin: You drank each other's slushies?

Lucas, whispering in Dustin's ear:

Dustin: oh

Dustin:

Dustin: OH

--

Will: If you had to choose between Lucas and all the money in my wallet right now, which would you choose?

Max: Lucas, because he’s a good g-

Will: I have 63 cents.

Max: I’ll take the money never mind.

Lucas: WHAT THE HELL

--

Dustin: We need to get through this locked door. Steve give me your credit card.

Steve: Here.

Dustin, pocketing it: Thanks. Nancy, shoot the door.

Steve: HENDERSON

--

Argyle: Rules are made to be broken.

Jonathan: They were made to be followed, Argyle. Nothing is made to be broken.

Will, Uh, pinatas.

Eleven: Glowsticks.

Mike: Karate boards.

Will: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Argyle: Rules.

Jonathan:

--

Eddie: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Dustin: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER the hurdles?

Eddie: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

--

Max: *falls from the sky*

Lucas: *catches them* I think you just

Lucas:

Lucas:

Lucas: Fell for me

Max: Put me down, I’m breaking your legs

Notes:

I have returned with a new chapter!! I hope y'all think it's funny.

Chapter 3

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Argyle: I was arrested for being too cool.

Jonathan: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Argyle: Why can’t you just let me be happy

--

Steve: You steal from the tip jar?!

Robin: I can explain

Steve: And all this time I’ve just been working for my paychecks like a chump!

--

Will: I currently have seven empty canvases and I have no clue what to put on them. Suggestions?

Argyle: Put spaghetti on it.

Will: I’m currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.

Jonathan: Put spaghetti on it.

Will: I’m currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.

Eleven: Put spaghetti on it.

Will: I’m no longer taking suggestions.

--

Max: What time is it?

Eddie: I don’t know, pass me my guitar and we’ll find out.

Eddie: *plugs into an amp and plays loudly and extremely out of tune*

Neighbor: WHO THE FUCK OS PLAYING SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING

Eddie: It’s 2 am

--

Steve: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Mike: Bold of you to assume I was born at all

Lucas: I personally was created in a lab

Dustin: I just straight up spawned lol

--

Nancy: Why are Mike and Will sitting with their back to each other?

Eleven: They had a fight.

Nancy: Then why are they holding hands?

Eleven: They get sad when they fight.

--

Robin: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang a mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under.

Steve: Robin, no.

Eddie: Mistlefoe.

Steve: Please stop encouraging her

--

Dustin: Time for plan G

Steve: Don’t you mean plan B?

Dustin: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. We had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Lucas: what about plan D?

Dustin: Plan D was that terrible shoot-it plan we had half an hour ago.

Will: What about plan E?

Dustin: I’m hoping not to use it. Mike dies in plan E.

Max: I like plan E.

--

Argyle, whilst high: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Will: You’re a hazard to society

Jonathan, who is also high: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

--

Max: Is Steve sleeping or dead?

Robin: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

Eddie: Yeah, so did I.

Steve: Okay, first of all, fuck you-

--

Steve: WHY. Why did you give the kids WEED?!

Eddie: I'm sorry. They said they felt nervous.

Steve: Now I feel nervous!

Eddie: … Would you like some weed?

Steve: … yes.

--

Lucas: Screams

Erica: Screams louder to establish dominance

Dustin: Should we do something?

Mike: No, I want to see who wins.

Notes:

I have returned again

Chapter 4

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Max: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Eleven: Not if they consent to it.

Dustin: Depends on who you’re stabbing.

Lucas: YES?!?

--

Will: Why buy fake Halloween props? They’re bad for the environment.

Mike: Yeah, you could totally just go to Nancy to get some real stuff. It’s totally environmentally friendly!

Will:

--

Steve: While I’m gone, Lucas, you’re in charge

Lucas: Yes Steve!!

Steve, whispering to Dustin: You’re secretly in charge.

Dustin: Obviously

--

Steve: What does ‘take out’ mean?

Robin: Food

Nancy: Dating

Jonathan: Murder

Eddie: It cant mean all three if you aren’t a coward!

--

Will: Mike was banned from the theater, so we had to go out of town to watch a movie.

Mike: They shouldn't have said “all you can eat popcorn” if you didn't mean it.

Will: Mike, you grabbed every bucket they had and shoved popcorn into it.

--

Eleven, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Jonathan, pulling out a UNO card: +4

Argyle, pulling out a pokemon card: Pikachu, I choose you!

Will, trembling: What are we even playing?

--

Eleven: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Max: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Dustin: Tackle him.

Lucas: Dump him.

Will: Kick him in the shin.

Mike: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

--

Max: I can’t believe we’re stuck in this room together.

Lucas, shoving the key down his pants: Truly unfortunate.

--

Steve: Crushes are the worse

Eddie: Yeah. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid

Steve: Pfft, you’re always stupid

Eddie: Yeahhhh, don’t think about that too hard

Steve:

--

Mike: The first one to reply is gat

Mike: gay*

Mike: wait..

--

Steve: Any tips on how to get girls?

Robin: Try to make them laugh all the time

Steve: Oh wow you actually helped me and it’s even a good one

Robin: The more they laugh the more time they spend with their eyes closed, so it’d be easier for you to figure out why you don’t get girls.

--

Dustin: any last words

Eddie: Nah, just kill me already. I’ve been running my ass off and now i’m getting killed by those sons of bitches. Should’ve killed myself a long time ago because school has brought me nothing but shit anyway. So lets just get it the fuck over with.

Dustin:

Dustin: Eddie we talked about this.

--

Argyle: FOUR MONTHS

Will: What’s he screaming about

Jonathan: It’s really not that big of a deal.

Argyle: THAT'S HOW LONG YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT.

--

Max: What are you, five?

Mike: Yeah, five heads taller than you

Max:

Mike:

Max

Mike: Please don’t break my legs like last time

Notes:

IM SORRY i pulled an all nighter then i slept all day then excuse excuse im here now.

Chapter 5

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Argyle: If you put “violently” in front of anything to describe your action, it automatically makes it funnier.

Nancy: Violently trains.

Robin: Violently works without Steve.

Jonathan: Violently steals girlfriends.

Eddie: Violently sells illegal products.

Steve: Violently worries about previous statement.

--

Lucas: I made tea.

Dustin: I don’t want tea.

Lucas: I didn’t make you tea. This is my tea.

Dustin: Then why did you tell me?

Lucas: It’s a conversation starter.

Dustin: It’s a terrible conversation starter.

Lucas: Oh is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

--

Nancy: Why are you smiling?

Robin: What? Can’t I just be happy?

Eddie: Steve tripped and fell in the driveway.

--

Eleven: Do you ever feel bugs on you when there are no bugs?

Lucas: Those are the ghosts of all the bugs you’ve killed.

Eleven:

Will: Look what you did, you scared her.

--

Robin: What’s on your mind?

Eddie: Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet we can tiptoe, yet you can not tipfing- Rob where are you going?

--

Steve: I got Netflix for you like you asked

Dustin: Finally, I’ve been mooching off yours for years so this'll be nice.

Steve: Wait, what do you mean account?

Dustin: Your Netflix account.

Steve:

Dustin: Like the profile? I wanted an account of my own, they’re like $8.

Steve:

Steve: Ohh.. you wanted an account. On the service.

Dustin: Yeah.. what did you think I meant?

Steve:

Steve: Netflix.

--

Jonathan: What are you doing?

Argyle: Offering moral support

Jonathan: You have morals???

Argyle: No, but I support those who do.

--

Max: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Steve: And what’s wrong with the one we live in?

Dustin: Wait- WHAT?

Steve: Goodnight

--

Steve: On a scale of one to ten, you’re a nine, because I’m the one you need

Eddie: I’m a ten

Steve: No, it’s a pickup li-

Eddie: I. Am. A. TEN.

--

Jonathan: Will, I thought you were decorating for Halloween.

Will: We are.

Jonathan: You’re just hanging up pictures of Argyle.

Eleven: You said you wanted scary decorations.

Jonathan: What did he do this time?

Notes:

Double header since I missed a few days

Chapter Text

Lucas: You tricked me!

Max: nono, I deceived you. “Tricked” makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

--

Jonathan: You’re blocking the view.

Argyle: I am the view.

--

Mike: *posts a super low quality photo to the group chat*

Dustin: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image i’d have 15 cents.

Mike: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read that text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.

Max: Actually I did the math, Dustin would have $225, not $0.15

Dustin: Traitor

Eleven: If I had had a dollar I’d buy a can of soda :)

Will: While you’re at it could you buy me an apple juice?

Eleven: Sorry I only have one dollar

Will:

Lucas: Hey I just realized Max is right, Dustin would have $22,500 because it’s a dollar for every pixel, not a cent

Eleven: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apple juice

Max: You can buy anything you want with $22,500

Will: Yeah, and they want soda and apply juice

Dustin: apply juice to what

Mike: Directly to the forehead

Erica: Great chat everyone!

--

Steve: Hey Rob, can I get a sip of your water?

Robin: It’s not water

Steve: Vodka, I like your style!

Robin: It’s vinegar.

Steve: Wha-what

Robin: It’s vinegar COWARD

--

Steve: You have to apologize to Lucas

Max: Fine

Max: ‘Unfuck you’ or whatever

--

Mike: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Dustin: Certainly, I am as sure as I am cool

Mike: In that case, we’re definitely lost

Dustin: HEY

--

Steve: I’m kind of crushing on someone. But I’m worried about telling you because you’re not going to like it.

Nancy: Just rip the bandage off.

Steve: It’s Eddie.

Nancy: Put the bandage back on.

--

Jonathan: Don’t worry I have a few knives up my sleeve

Will: I think you mean cards

Jonathan, pulling a knife out of his sleeve: No, I do not.

--

Eleven: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Will: Several traffic violations

Jonathan: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Argyle: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks

Mike: Also, that’s not our van.

--

*first episode of Max’s cooking show*

Max: today I will show you how to make a delicious meal with just one ingredient.

Max: A phone

Max, calling the pizza place: I’ll have a Hawaiian pizza please, with extra pineapple.

Chapter Text

Will: Steve, I have problems with a boy

Steve: “He’s bullying me” problems, or “I like him” problems?

Will: …I like him problems

Steve: Will, I got nothing. I could have helped with the other one though.

--

Max: Making my way downtown

Max: Roling fast

Max:

Max: Rolling slower because Lucas is slow

--

Nancy: How petty can you get?

Robin: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

--

Will: Where are you going?

Argyle: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on my way there

--

Mike: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something

Eleven: Nope, absolutely not

Lucas: I hope it sucks, whatever you’re going through

Dustin: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life

Max: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Lucas: I can't wait to go to your funeral knowing I could have changed the outcome.

Will: I would

Mike: Only Will's opinion matters.

--

Will: You lying cheating piece of shit!

Dustin: Oh yeah. You’re the idiot who thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Will: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING EL WITH ME!

Steve, picking up the monopoly board: I think we should stop playing now.

--

Dustin: Heyo

Miki: Hihi

Will: Hello, Humans

Lucas: Three kinds of people.

Eleven: I want pudding.

Lucas: Four kinds of people.

Max: WHATS UP FUCKERS

Lucas: Five kinds of people

--

Steve: You’re probably one of those beautiful people that don’t even know it.

Eddie: No, I know it.

--

Will: Why is Jonathan on the counter?

Eleven: He likes to be high.

--

Will: Any cute things to call your boyfriend?

Dustin: Honey

Max: Sugar

Lucas: Flour

Dustin: Egg

Eleven: ½ lb butter

Max: Pour into a pan

Lucas: Preheat to 350 degrees

--

Steve: I have feelings for you.

Robin: Really?

Steve: Yes, I feel like you’re a little annoying

Robin: Wow that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

--

Eddie: Whenever somebody responds with “I beg your pardon?” assert your dominance by saying “Then beg.”

--

Eleven: With great power comes the great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

The party:

--

Mike: I’m still trying to figure out why you’re dating me.

Will: Because you’re sweet and caring.

Mike: Well Nancy saysI’m bitter and grumpy so one of you is lying.

--

Dustin: *ordering a cake over the phone*

Shop Employee: And what would you like your cake to say?

Dustin, covering the phone to look at Steve: Do we want a talking cake?

--

Mike: Nancy can I talk to you for a second?

Nancy: Yeah, what’s up? Let me guess you and Will are having problems kissing and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Mike: No, what the fuck, stop that. I know how to kiss, I’ve read books.

--

Steve: Look guys, I need help.

Nancy: Love help?

Jonathan: Financial help?

Robin: Emotional help?

Eddie: Help moving a body?

*everybody looks at Eddie*

Eddie: What?

Chapter 8

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucas: What’s worse than heartbreak?

Dustin: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you’re sorry.

--

Robin: How did you two get into an accident?

Steve: We were driving and there was a deer on the road so I yelled “Eddie, deer!”

Robin: And?

Steve: Tell him what you said

Eddie: Eddie: I said, “Yes honey?”

--

Argyle: When have I done anything rash or irresponsible?

Jonathan: I have a list. It’s alphabetized.

--

Steve: Friendly reminder not to eat too much candy before bed.

Mike: no

Steve: That was a gentle reminder but the words bring me an ungodly amount of rage.

Mike: word

Steve: I want nothing more than to give you an uppercut to heaven’s front door.

--

Will: You shouldn’t be drinking that much coffee

Jonathan: Coffee cures depression

Jonathan: More espresso, less depresso.

--

Mike: Are sex toys alive in the toy story universe?

Dustin: I hate you why would you ask that question?

Lucas: Haha very funny. Just one question what the fuck is wrong with you?

Eleven: What’s a sex toy?

Will: *plots to murder Mike*

Steve: *chokes on his food* I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING DINNER

--

Robin: Man, I don’t know how you deal with these kids they look like a handful.

Steve, watching Dustin try to strangle Mike. Max and El set fire to a sleeping Lucas. And Will choking on air.

Steve: Honestly, I don’t know either.

--

Mike: Two brooos! Chillin’ in a hot tub! Five feet apart coz they’re not gay!

Will: Mike you’re my boyfriend

Mike:

Will: And you’re sitting on my lap

Mike:

Will: Literally everything you just said was inaccurate.

--

[over the phone]

Lucas: Come over

Max: I can't, my bike only has one wheel

Lucas: Do you have a unicycle?

Max: You were supposed to say, "but my parents aren' t home"

Lucas: I was distracted by your unicycle

Max: Okay, start over

Lucas: Come over

Max: I can't, my bike only has one wheel

Lucas: What color is your unicycle?

Max: fuck you

--

Steve: I hate when I misplace my glasses because then I have to go around looking like I’m suspicious of everything.

Eddie: *mimics Steve* What about you, cabinet? You sketchy piece of shit? Did you take ‘em?

Steve: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Notes:

double header for all the days I missed because I forgot

Chapter 9

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Nancy: So, what did we practice you would say to Will?

 

Mike: "Will you go out with me tomorrow night?"

 

Nancy: And what did you say to Will?

 

Mike: I accidentally told him to suck my dick.

 

Nancy: HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY TELL SOMEONE TO SUCK YOUR DICK?

 

Mike: I PANICKED!

 

--

 

Eddie: Yeah, we're friends, but I would fuck you if you asked.

 

Steve: What?

 

Eddie: What?

 

Robin: *eating chips in the background* You said you would fuck him if he asked.

 

--

 

Dustin: Max, I really think you should just talk to Lucas.

 

Max: He already made his decision. why should I care?

 

Dustin: Because one, couples talk things out. And two, he's standing outside with flowers and chocolate.

 

Lucas, from outside: I couldn't find any chocolate, so I brought a bagel.

 

Dustin: Make that flowers and a doughy treat.

 

--

 

Dustin: Can you guys just TRY to see it from MY perspective.

 

Mike: *gets on knees*

 

Lucas: *crouches down*

 

Dustin:

 

Dustin: I will break your bones in your sleep.

 

--

 

Eleven: I just ended a four year relationship.

 

Max: Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

 

Eleven: Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't my relationship.

 

*Mike and Will fighting from across the room*

 

--

 

Will: You can't sleep your problems away

 

Jonathan: I can try, though.

 

--

 

Robin: [Talking about Eddie and Steve] My god, would you two just get a room already?

 

Steve: Excuse me?

 

Robin: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?

 

Eddie: Steve would you—

 

Steve: DON'T EVEN FUCKING SAY ANYTHING

--

 

Argyle: Let me see what you have

 

Eleven: A knife!

Argyle: Okay, have fu-

 

Will: NO

 

--

 

Lucas: What's up with Mike? He's been laying on the floor for like an hour

 

Dustin: He's just a little overwhelmed.

 

Lucas: Why?

 

Dustin: William giggled

 

--

 

Nancy: You are exceptionally quiet.

 

Robin: I walk around like everything is fine.

 

Nancy: Are you okay?

 

Robin: But deep down

 

Nancy: Yeah?

 

Robin: Inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

 

--

 

Argyle: I don't know, l just kinda feel like we're meant to be together. I mean, just look at how fate threwus at each other!

 

Jonathan: It's 3 am and you're stuck in the middle of my window. How did you even get here in the first place?

 

Argyle: Fate. I just told you.

 

--

 

Robin: what did the couch say to the couch on the other side of the room

 

Steve: what

 

Robin: we're sofa apart *deranged noises*

 

Steve: and I'm sofa king done

 

--

 

Nancy: I have no fears

 

Mike: I'm cooking tonight

 

Nancy: One fear

 

--

 

Steve: *walking down the stairs* Is something burning...?

 

Eddie: *leaning against the counter* Just my desire for you.

 

Steve: Eddie, the toaster is on fire.

 

--

 

Dustin: You said you had nothing to do with that prank. Are you lying to me?

 

Eddie: That depends on how you define lying.

 

Dustin: Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?

 

Eddie: Reclining your body in a horizontal position.

 

Dustin:

 

Eddie:

 

Dustin: Get out of my house.

 

Eddie: Absolutely.

Notes:

i'm so so sorry i went kinda missing for a while i started school and sports again so it's a bit tiring but it's all good. i might update less frequently.