Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*_*_*

“Turn around, will you? I can’t do it like that.”

“But I want to look at you,” Isak smiled, while Even fumbled with the tie around his neck. It was half-finished and threatening to come loose, and for once, Even seemed to take this way more seriously than Isak did.

“You can look at me all day today, and tomorrow, and for eternity, but I’ll have to finish this or we’ll never get out of here.”

“I really should learn how to do this myself,” Isak said, a small smile on his lips, turning to look into the mirror while Even continued with his work of trying to tie an orderly knot.

“You should! I’m gonna teach you, once and for all. You may not need it again for quite some time, though. Let’s hope that anyway,” Even said, as they both laughed.

They were standing close to each other, in front of the mirror, both in suits that still seemed a tad too big for their bodies. But it reminded Isak of another time, that same mirror, but a different room, a different apartment, back when they had just moved in with each other and Even was always filming stuff for that birthday video he’d made for him.

Ten years, oh gosh…. it feels like yesterday.

A lot of things had happened since then, but some things had stayed just the same. How handsome Even was, looking back at him in the mirror, just slightly taller than him. And the way he always took care of him, and for those small things that did not seem all that important, but Isak valued nonetheless. Like tying his tie. Like Even making him food that Isak had never tried, just so he could try it. He had even gotten better at the whole “putting clothes from the washing machine into the dryer” thing, a subject of endless discussions way back when they were still fresh.

They’d come a long way. God knows why they ever even parted ways, in hindsight. But maybe it was good that they did. Possibly they wouldn’t be where they were today, standing in this very place, if they hadn’t.

“Do you remember the old place?” Isak said, while he watched Even’s fingers, half curious, half absentmindedly. Memories were a wondrous thing.

“Of course I do,” Even smiled, breathing these words into his ear which made Isak feel all warm inside. They had lived together in the old apartment for more than five years. A long time, and a lot of memories.

“We never got out of bed those first weeks, or months. God knows how you managed to finish school. I probably wasn’t a huge help,” Even smiled, giving him a wink.

“You were helping in different ways,” Isak said, with an impish smile. “But yes, it didn’t really help my studies. I basically had to leave to be able to concentrate. But I always wanted to come home as quickly as I could to spend time with you.”

“I know,.” Even said, and gently kissed him on the back of the head. “Man, I miss that old place. Those sheets, ha. Do we still have those?”

I miss that time , Isak thought. Not that these days weren’t as good as those days back then. But it was a more innocent time maybe, despite what had happened when they’d gotten together, the drama and all that. They used to see their friends more often, which was unfortunately becoming rarer these days. They didn’t have to worry about grownup life so much. And they loved each other so deeply that every minute apart felt like an eternity. 

They still loved each other as much of course, but the love had become more quiet now, more humble, less flustered than it was back then. That was good too. There was a lot they had overcome.

“Done,” Even said. Isak tried planting a kiss on Even’s neck, but he turned his head to let him see himself in the mirror.

The tie looked flawless. They looked flawless. Isak almost didn’t want to leave, to preserve this moment for a little while longer.

“Can we take a picture?” he asked, catching a glimpse of Even over his shoulder.

“You will have to keep this as a mental image. We’re out of time.” Even gave him a friendly clap on his backside.

“Come on…I really want one. This is special.”

“Okay then,” Even smiled. “But there’ll be tons of pictures later on. You’ll be bored as fuck of them by the end of the day.”

“I don’t care,” Isak said. “I want this one.”

They took a picture in front of the mirror, Even wrapping one arm around Isak’s neck, both smiling into the camera. Even smelled so good , Isak thought, as usual. That was one of the things Isak missed most, those years when they were apart. He could never shake that feeling of his heart wanting to skip a beat when that particular waft of tobacco and aftershave that only seemed to smell good on Even hit his nose. Though it would be better for him to quit smoking , Isak thought. A project for another day soon, maybe.

One of their phones was buzzing, a message coming in. They both looked at the table nearby, but it was Isak’s display that was lit.

“Jonas,” Isak said. “I guess he’s waiting downstairs.”

“He didn’t have to rent an expensive car for this. Your father offered to let us use his. It would have been perfectly fine,” Even said, both of them grabbing the keys and wallets and the things you wouldn’t want to forget, while trying not to ruin their attire.

“I think he wanted to make it special,” Isak smiled. “He probably felt the pressure as the best man.”

“He definitely felt the pressure ! ” Even laughed. “He made me look at twenty different limos online, and this from the guy who always told me not to worry so much, because no one would care.”

“You saw it?” Isak said, stopping at the door, a baffled expression on his face. “He showed you!? Why didn’t he show me? I’m his best friend.”

“Yes, that’s why, genius ,” Even said, giving Isak another gentle pat on the back to move him out the door. “He wanted to surprise you.”

“Since when are you two so close?” Isak smiled questioningly as they went outside.

“You fancied both of us. Why wouldn’t we be close?” Even grinned, as he closed the door behind them.

*_*_*

“A fucking white Tesla? Are you kidding me? Did you pay for this?” Isak raised his hands incredulously and exchanged looks with Even and Jonas.

Even looked at Jonas, laughing.

“I told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted on it,” he said, giving Jonas a knowing wink.

“Does…does he know the backstory?” Isak said, still standing there baffled.

“He knows the backstory,” Even smiled at Isak, before circling the limousine and giving it approving nods. “I had to promise him to keep my clothes on, for the ceremony at least.” He winked again, this time at Isak who was still speechless, his eyes darting back and forth between the two of them.

Jonas looked dapper as ever, standing on the side of the car at the opened driver’s door, but was wearing a prop-like chauffeur’s hat that looked like he likely got it in a secondhand store or something.

“Dude, relax. I played two extra gigs last week to pay for this. There was no way I wouldn’t. Though you owe me one now,” he said, giving Isak a big smile.

“What’s with the ugly ass hat though?” Isak said, pointing at the thing sitting gingerly on top of Jonas’ thick curls.

“Magnus was supposed to be the driver, but he missed his flight and had to take a later one, so he’ll come directly to the church.” Jonas shrugged. “I’ll do the best I can.”

“Fucking Magnus…” Isak said under his breath, smiling and shaking his head. He hadn’t seen Magnus in months, ever since he had gone to the U.S. to study Finance and stay with his dad. He missed the idiot more than he had realized.

“Come on now, get on in. We’re late already,” Jonas said, jerking his head toward the car.

*_*_*

It was the thing that he had gone over in his head time and time again and now that the moment was here, it was more mundane perhaps than he’d imagined it to be, but possibly, or so Even thought, it was even better.

He got into the limousine first, stretching his long legs and taking in the surroundings, finding it all to his liking, which made him smile. It was almost like he had imagined it would be, with the difference being that he and Isak were wearing more than just ties for the occasion. All those wild dreams and fantasies back then, and he still vividly remembered all of them, were great but they were of a different time and space. His illness, in hindsight, enhanced a lot of what he was feeling back then.

The whole situation was appealing and funny, no doubt, the fancy car, Jonas wearing that silly hat and him and Isak being together in this adventure, but like a lot of things recently, it had become clearer in his mind what the most important thing was. It wasn’t the car and it wasn’t the ties…. It was Isak. Just Isak. And spending time with him, planning for their future. The rest was negligible.

He looked out the window, catching a glimpse at his lover who was still in the midst of a lively discussion with Jonas. He couldn’t discern what exactly they were talking about, as Jonas had closed the car door briefly, but Even could not hide a smile.

The way Isak talked, the way he would use his hands and gestures, the animated expression on his face…all that had not changed ever since the day they first met. It was part of the reason why he had fallen in love with him in the first place.

Isak could never hide what he was feeling, even if he wanted to. Or at times had attempted to. He still thought of himself as this master liar of course, the one that could trick anybody into believing whatever, but he never, or almost never, could trick Even.

But it was the same the other way around, Even thought. It was the bond that they had. The one that had always been there, but which had strengthened ever since they had got back together. The one that Even treasured, like nothing else in the world.

*_*_*

Isak finally got into the car after Even and as soon as the doors closed, they were on their way, with Jonas on the front seat, doing his best impression of a professional driver.

“Sagene Church, it is. Why Sagene, by the way?” Jonas asked, turning around slightly to look at Isak. “There are a lot of churches much closer than that. And you’re not even religious.”

“It’s my mother’s church,” Isak said, easing into the backseat, trying to relax. “That was the one thing I had to promise my dad.”  

There were of course other memories connected with that place and a certain day in the past that Jonas wasn’t fully aware of, but that was probably a tale for another day.

There were a few fancy lights shining in the back of the car and too much room for just two people. There was a bucket on the stand in front of Isak and Even, one of those that would usually be used for champagne, but it contained two cans of Tuborg on ice, ready to be opened.

“What the fuck?” Isak laughed, taking one out and looking at it like he’d never seen a can of beer before.

“That was all I could afford after the car!” Jonas grinned back at Isak and Even through the rearview mirror. “And you like that better than champagne anyway, so stop fucking around and open it.”

Even laughed and looked at Isak, opening his decisively. There are worse things than to smell like beer at your own wedding , Isak thought, as he opened his as well. It doesn't matter, does it? It was their special day, not anyone else’s. They might as well celebrate it in their own style.

*_*_*

The scene at the church could almost be considered a commotion, compared to its usual standards.. There were more than fifty people there, and Isak could recognize most of them as Jonas parked the car.

Maybe it was because they were among the oldest people present, but Isak saw his parents right away. They were standing next to Even’s parents, a bit to the side, politely chatting away, looking absolutely exhilarated. It made him smile. It hadn’t always been easy for his parents, and while it seemed like they could never spend much time apart, they never actually really had gotten back together. 

These days they seemed happier than ever though , Isak thought. Even’s parents, when they told them the news, let it be known that they’d never really doubted the fact that their son would end up marrying Isak one day, while Even’s mother confided there was a tiny bit of wishful thinking involved. Obviously they looked more than happy too. Isak’s dad saw the car arriving from a distance and raised his hand to greet them.

There was Noora with her new boyfriend, smiling broadly. There were also Chris and Kasper, with tiny Kerstin holding their hands. They weren’t together anymore, but taking care of the kid was a common endeavor. Sana and Yousef stood close, holding hands. There wasn’t a sign of Eva so far, or Eskild and Linn, but there were too many people. It was impossible to spot everybody at once.

He hadn’t really allowed himself to get nervous before, but now, as the car came to a halt, Isak felt it, all the butterflies in his stomach, making him slightly jittery. He exchanged a gaze with Even, who seemed to pick up on what was going on and gave him a reassuring smile.

Jonas cut the engine and gave them a look through the rearview mirror. He met Isak’s eyes, reading exactly what was happening.

“We’ll be waiting, you guys. Just take whatever time you need.”

It felt like a closed-off world, as soon as Jonas left the vehicle. The windows weren’t completely blind, but opaque enough to give them the little bit of privacy that they needed right now.

Even took Isak’s hand in his, pressing it slightly.

“That’s it then, huh?” he asked, smiling at him.

“Guess so,” Isak replied, sounding more breathless than he wanted to.

“Cold feet?” Even grinned.

“Nah,” Isak said, but his breath was shaky. “It’s just…”

“Hm?”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this. I mean, I thought we would, but now that we’re here… it’s just so…”

“Big?” Even smiled.

“Yeah, big. That’s it, kind of. Fucking big.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?”

Isak looked at Even, staring into those big blue eyes that never failed to mesmerize him.

“Yeah, it’s good. But it freaks me the fuck out,” he said, both of them laughing.

“Well, me too,” Even finally said. “But we can’t go back now.”

“No, we can’t,” Isak said, laughing. “My mum would never forgive me. Or my dad, I guess.”

“My parents would never forgive you either!” Even grinned. “They think you’re my saving grace. I think they love you more than me.”

“Of course they do.” Isak grinned back. “I make the money in the family while you’re finally back in film school. I would love me too!”

Even smiled and sighed, rolling his eyes, and leaned his forehead against Isak’s head, kissing his neck, just resting there for a while.

“I love you,” he finally said, sounding every bit as sincere as only he could. Even had resigned himself to the fact a while ago that this was their life now, that while he was the older one, it was actually Isak who was the more grounded between the two of them and probably would always be. He was good with stuff like this, the big occasions, while Isak’s strength was definitely managing the more non-exciting daily details. It was why their love was so special, in the way they complimented each other.

“I love you more,” Isak said, kissing Even on the cheek. While he wasn’t always the best with words, Even knew that Isak meant it, with every fiber of his being. It had taken him a while to believe it, especially after that separation that should never have happened, but these days it was all good. They were all good. And they were fucking getting married today.

“Shall we?” Even asked, looking at Isak. For all he cared, they could stay in this car forever, just being together like this, without anyone interrupting. But they had a job to do now. A big one at that.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Isak gave him a crooked smile and planted a last kiss on Even’s soft lips before he opened the car door.

*_*_*

They attempted their best to keep this affair as dignified as possible as both of them left the car, Even taking Isak’s hand, looking for their parents and friends while everybody turned their heads to greet them, big smiles all around.

It was probably the first time they’d ever worn suits together, so there was a murmur going through the small crowd, with people saying, “There they are, just look at them,” almost in unison.

Isak never liked being the center of attention much, but he knew this was unavoidable. It was good to know though that these were all people who knew and loved them. That made it slightly more bearable.

Isak found Noora smiling at him and returned it, a small nod signifying they would talk later. There were still a few minutes left before the ceremony began, late as they were, so Isak was scanning the crowd for the familiar faces, landing on his parents next.

In fact it was his father, beaming at them from afar and beckoning them over, who caught his attention.

“Let’s say hi,” Isak squeezed Even’s hand and Even nodded.

“They’ll never forgive us if we don’t,” Even added under his breath, as they moved over to where their parents were standing.

They managed to come out relatively unscathed, despite having to endure quite a few jokey comments on what were possible routes to having grandchildren between their parents. Nothing new of course, but maybe a little more exaggerated today, per the occasion. It was all in good fun, but halfway through it, Isak took Even’s hand and squeezed it, rolling his eyes ever so slightly, to signal that it was enough for the moment.

“So lovely to talk to you guys. We’ll see you inside in a bit,” Even said, ever the gallant conversational maestro when he wanted to be, gently pulling Isak aside.

There was a loud scream, almost guttural, and they turned around to see Magnus approaching with Eskild in tow, both of the unlikely companions beaming back at them as they ran toward the couple.

“You motherfuckers!” Magnus yelled at the top of his lungs, not giving a damn about the otherwise dignified occasion, as was typical Magnus.

He wore the most outrageous looking chauffeur’s uniform anyone had possibly ever seen, an abomination of dark blue cloth and red and white stripes.

Magnus ran towards Isak first, hugging him tightly, and then wrapped his arms around Even’s tall frame, almost not wanting to let go. It had been months, almost a year, since they’d last seen each other.

“Fy faen, I missed you guys so fucking much.”

“Don’t tell me you wore that on the plane,” Isak said, watching Magnus hugging the hell out of his husband-to-be. They’d always had that connection, these two, Isak thought, god knows why. But he was glad it was still there.

“I actually met him at the airport and made him change. We’re late, but fashionably so,” Eskild said, stretching out his arms to show off his travel attire. It was very Bali-inspired, for obvious reasons, baggy trousers and long shirt with flowers, plus heart-shaped sunglasses dangling around his neck which looked more out of place in Oslo in early May than even Magnus’ uniform.

Isak went over to hug him, blinking.

“You actually met at the airport? Like, for real?”

“Yeah, we did,” Eskild said, giving Even a little wink. “But unlike him,” he said, nodding towards Magnus, “I came prepared. I changed during the flight.”

“How’s Linn doing?” Even asked, beaming, while he gave Eskild a hug, having been finally released by Magnus.

“She sends her blessings. She couldn’t join, as she has cleaning duty in the Buddhist retreat this week, and they take that really seriously,” Eskild said, rolling his eyes.

“But she told me to kiss you,” he said, planting a fat one on Even’s lips with a smaller one on Isak’s cheek next. He smiled at both, cocking his brows.

“I meant to get here earlier. I fucked that up,” Magnus said, rubbing his face. “But from now on, no one will get past me to that car. Only you guys. I’m so fucking glad you’re doing this.”

He hugged Isak once again, then Even, looking every bit as emotional as was possible for him.

The obvious question, the one on everybody’s minds, was left unspoken, as they stood there silently for a moment.

“Where’s Vilde?” Eskild asked, oblivious to everything, while Isak and Even exchanged a brief look, drawing in breath through their teeth.

“Oh, she said she’d come, last time I talked to her,” Magnus said, shaking his head. “That was two weeks ago…”

“Oh…” Eskild said, not getting the hint. “Cool.” He waved at Mahdi who just arrived with his girlfriend in tow. “What was his name again? Something African, right? He looks so cute today, look at him.”

The bells started ringing, calling everybody in. Isak let his gaze wander. He had seen Eva somewhere, but he couldn’t find her now. He saw Sana, who smiled back at him while she entered the church with Yousef.

He watched Even standing a bit off to the side now, talking to Elias and Mikael, who had donned their finest attire. Years ago, that was the cause for a minor incident, with Isak not liking the way Mikael looked at Even, but that was all in the past now. He was glad Even’s friends made it here. Everybody had made it. He even had seen Emma and Penetrator Chris out of the corner of his eyes somewhere, or so he thought. Just Vilde was missing, which was curious. But she sure would turn up, wouldn’t she?

Everybody was going into church, with Even joining him while they watched their friends walking inside.

Even took Isak's hand in his, kissing him on the cheek, pressing his fingers reassuringly.

“Dammit, what are we supposed to do again? Are we going in as well?”

“We practiced that, didn’t we?” Even asked, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but I don’t remember. I’m too nervous right now.”

Even laughed and wrapped one arm around Isak’s shoulder, stroking his cheek gently with his thumb.

“Relax. They’re gonna play our song, remember? Just do what I do.”

*_*_*

End of Chapter 1

Chapter Text

*_*_*

The ceremony itself ended up being much more emotional than Isak had anticipated. Despite everybody being silly and laughing all through the pastor’s summarization of Isak and Even’s past, especially the episode of them breaking into someone’s house at night to use their swimming pool, when it was time to exchange rings and vows, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

It wasn’t even his mom’s tears that made him emotional, it was Even’s dad dabbing his eyes with a tissue and his own dad clapping him on the shoulder amicably, that finally wrecked Isak. His voice was broken when he tried to respond to the pastor.

“Will you, Isak, take Even as your rightful husband, until death do you part?”

“Fuck yes,”Isak said, to some giggles in the audience. “I mean - I do. I do.”

“Will you, Even, take Isak as your rightful husband, until death do you part?”

“I do,” Even said, as he slipped a ring on Isak’s finger, giving him a smile and an almost invisible wink. And Isak knew exactly what that wink meant.

In a way, they had been married from the day they first met. From the moment Even gave him that paper towel, freshly fetched from the bin, at that group meeting at school. Taking desperate to a new level perhaps, but wearing exactly the same comforting smile that he gave him today.

Somehow, Isak thought, it had always been clear that they would end up here like this. They were just making what had already been written into their cosmic timeline official. “You may now kiss each other,” the pastor said, stepping back to give them space.

And they did, without hesitation, embracing each other for a good while afterwards, almost oblivious to the cheers from their friends.

“We did it,” Isak said, whispering into Even’s ear. “Didn’t we?”

“Hell yes, we did,” Even said, kissing him on the cheek before they stepped down the stairs into the central corridor.

*_*_*

Whether it was Even or Isak who had suggested it was the topic of debate as they drove to the post-wedding venue. It was an inspired choice though, that much was clear.

Their parents had argued for something more traditional. They had wanted to just fly off to Morocco for their honeymoon, to spend some time there before Even had to go back to film school. So a small reception at SYNG was a good middle ground, and in the end they were glad they had chosen to do it, since everybody was making time to come.

The venue really had done their best, decorating the bare walls with enough glitter to make it special, while keeping to the alternative feel of the place.

Soon everybody was tucking into food, with tables loud with conversation and laughter, which allowed Isak to take a step back from the proceedings and catch his breath a bit.

He had loosened his tie and sat down at a table, watching Even from afar, one of his arms around Mikael’s shoulders, talking to a few more old friends of his.

It made Isak smile, just watching him in that small unguarded moment. He looked so happy and content, so unlike when they’d broken up, so like the time they had just started dating years earlier.

We’ve come far indeed , he thought. And that they had. Full circle.

There was someone giving him a hug from behind, a long strand of red hair falling over his shoulder.

“Can I sit here?” Eva giggled into Isak’s ear. The roles reversed, the occasions changed, but it was almost another full circle.

“Sure you can,” Isak laughed.

They stared at one another for quite a while, not having seen each other in weeks. The happiness was mutual.

“You bastard,” Eva finally said, in a reproachful tone. “How dare you get married before me? At least you could have waited.” She laughed.

“Well,” Isak said, shrugging his shoulders. ”I guess you just have to make up your mind.”

They both flitted a look at Jonas, who was deep in conversation with Magnus and Mahdi.

“Yeah…” Eva sighed. “I don’t think it’s going to happen, to be honest. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe we’re just supposed to be friends and that’s that, you know? I just don’t know anymore.”

She sighed and tucked into the sandwich on her plate, looking solemn.

“That’s why you have to make your mind up. He knows -” Isak looked at Jonas, “- what he wants. He loves you. At least I’m pretty sure. But he’s also trying to get his future started, get his musical career going. Would you be able to go along with that? That’s for you to decide.”

“Imam Valtersen,” Eva laughed, putting her sandwich back on the plate. “That’s what Sana calls you.”

“It could have been Imam Valtersen-Næsheim now,” Isak laughed. “But we thought it would be too cheesy. And maybe a little long.”

“I don’t find it cheesy at all,” Eva smiled as she met his gaze with her big blue eyes.

“Remember that time when you told me you didn’t know whether he was the man of your dreams?” She looked at Even, who was in a battle of embraces with Eskild and Magnus now, both vying for his attention like old times.

“He is, isn’t he? And that’s beautiful. You’re so lucky.“

“I guess you were right,” Isak laughed. He followed her gaze to Even, his tall stature, his personable demeanor, the way he could never meet anybody without hugging the heck out of them or being hugged by them. People just loved Even. Who understood that better than him?

Words, maybe especially today, could not describe the love Isak felt for him. He couldn’t picture a time when they wouldn’t be together, not anymore.

“So, what happened between you guys back then?” Eva looked at him questioningly. “We never really talked about it.”

“No, we didn’t,” Isak sighed, remembering those days, the time when he and Even had broken up. As much as he didn’t want to go back to it.

*_*_*

It was around four years ago, almost to the day, that things had started to turn sour.

Isak had just finished studying and had landed a job at a prestigious company for marine research, focusing on the effect of climate change on fishing stocks in Norway and trying to find solutions.

As much as he liked that job and the purpose behind it, it meant spending quite a lot of time in places like Bodø or Tromsø, and generally not being at home as much anymore.

They still had their small place and Even was still working at the restaurant, undecided on where his life would take him after quitting film school after just one year. There wasn’t a particular reason for it, but life, as it does at times, began to strain their bond, which led to both of them spending more and more time apart.

Neither of them wanted it, but it just kind of…happened. They saw it happening without being able to do anything about it. Or so it seemed.

“Did he cheat on you?” Eva cocked her head. “That’s what I thought happened. At least that’s what I heard.”

“No,” Isak said, shaking his head, smiling ruefully. “It was worse.”

In fact it was this day, this regretful day and night, that he spent drunk and frustrated with Lars, a colleague of his, in a bar in Kristiansand, at the end of a conference.

Nothing had happened that night, aside from the two of them making out drunkenly in the hallway to their hotel rooms, before Isak ended it. His phone had been buzzing constantly, and it either was or wasn’t Even, both being equally bad.

“I have to go,” he said, leaving a baffled Lars behind in the hallway, feeling the guilt despite his drunken stupor.

Isak fumbled with his phone while entering his room, the light flickering on and off in the dark. The messages weren’t from Even, which gave Isak a sharp pang of grief, because he wanted them to be. He hadn’t responded to the earlier one, because he just couldn’t find the right words, as hard as he tried.

The messages were actually from Sana, who had heard the news from Elias.

Isak, what is happening? Elias just met Even and he’s talking about the two of you breaking up? Wtf? He said he thinks you’re moving on. He’s drunk out of his wits in a bar in Løkka right now. Yousef is taking him home. Where are you? He said you’ve not gotten in touch in almost a day.

It took Isak a while to understand the message on his screen, impaired as he was.

None of what Sana said was wrong. But still, Isak felt the overwhelming urge to tell Sana that it wasn’t his fault. He stared at the display in the dark, trying to think of the words to respond, but he couldn’t do it.

Because it was his fault. His and his alone.

“So it was you who cheated on him?” Eva said, looking at him questioningly but smiling somewhat sympathetically. It probably was reminding her of her own situation with Chris.

“Well, yes and no. It was just a mess back then. Nothing really happened between Lars and me, not before or after that day. He left the company a few weeks later.”

He actually didn’t remember much about the weeks that followed when he went back to Oslo. It was a blur, a merciful act by his brain it seemed, to not have to go over the details of their separation again and again and again.

Basically, what he remembered was that when he got back, Even had already packed his things and had moved back in with his parents. The only remnant left was a T-shirt of his that was still left on a hanger on the wall to dry, apparently just forgotten. All other traces of Even were gone.

The apartment soon became a dead zone, Isak not wanting to spend much time there without Even being around, so he spent more time out and about as well.

They had tried to rekindle things once, a few weeks later, with Isak showing up at Even’s place to talk, but they didn’t get far. Silence had set in between them, a chasm had opened that seemed hard to bridge. They decided that night that they would end things for good.

It seemed like the path they had found themselves on together had suddenly met a fork in the road, with neither of them being able to cross it.

It wasn’t, in hindsight, like anything much had happened to drive them apart. Things had gone astray a long time before this fateful time. Maybe Isak hadn’t realized how much Even suffered from feeling how he was underachieving compared to Isak. And maybe he also hadn’t realized the way Even had turned more silent over time, their communication having come to a halt. They had been talking to each other, but hadn’t been talking with each other anymore. 

And somewhere down the road, they somehow had lost their connection.

“So that’s when you split up?” Eva said.

“Yes, we did.” Isak said, nodding.

“But what happened afterwards? I heard so many different things.”

Fair enough , Isak thought, because a lot of things happened.

Again, the first few weeks were nothing Isak remembered much about. In the end, he probably managed to forget it all, because it was so uneventful, so robotic. He went to work, had to travel, and quickly weeks turned into months, months that felt empty.

“And that’s when you met Anders, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. And for a while it felt good. I mean, you remember him. He’s a DJ so he worked on the weekends and I was away during the week. We barely ever saw each other. I think that’s how I wanted it to be. Maybe that was the reason why we got together in the first place. In hindsight, it wasn’t really a relationship.”

“And then there was Per.”

“Yeah, but that was a while later. That was around six months after I’d broken up with Anders. If we want to call it that.”

“You seemed to really like Per,” Eva smiled, tugging on the lettuce on her sandwich. “But I could sense there was something off. Maybe like with me and Chris. It was just never 100%.”

“I thought it was, to be honest, at least for a while. I mean, he was a scientist like me and we could talk about our work for hours…but I think when he started talking about moving in together, there was this thing, I don’t even know what it was, but it made me feel uncomfortable. I kept postponing things. And in the end, I just realized that I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure if it was because of Even, or just me. But I couldn’t do it. And that’s where he wanted to end it, which was fair enough.”

“But there were others, right?”

“A few others,” Isak smiled. “Not many. But no one really worth mentioning.”

“And what about Even? I never saw him during that time,” Eva said.

“Well, he did have a girlfriend for a while. Lisa,” Isak said, giving Eva a half-smile. “But it didn’t last long, I guess. There was also something, word about him being with another guy, a photographer, for some time. But I never asked him about it.”

“Why not?” Eva asked.

Isak was looking for Even, in the spot where he’d just seen him moments before, but he couldn’t find him. His gaze flitted across the room, only to see him finally, standing together with Noora and her boyfriend, talking by the entrance. Their eyes met briefly, and Even gave him a smile and a wink. Those were the unspoken messages they both understood.

I’m here, if you need me.

I know. I’m gonna stay here, find me whenever you feel like it.

Isak looked at Eva.

“I’m not sure I could handle it. It probably sounds silly but it doesn’t faze me much, thinking of him together with a girl. Been there, done that. But to picture him with another guy…I can’t bear the thought. It took me long enough to not be jealous of Mikael anymore.  I’m just not sure I’d be okay, knowing.”

“Like in the old days, huh?” she said, harking back to their conversation at the skatepark. Because it was only worth telling if it meant something. And some things were better left unspoken.

“Yeah, I guess,” Isak smiled.

“How long were you separated then? More than a year, right?”

“Two years, more or less. We only really got back together one and a half years ago, or no, around two years now I think.” It seemed like she could see him calculating in his mind. Even of course would know right away, he had a thing with numbers, which was why Isak was being so particular about it.

Eva laughed.

“I remember Jonas being so happy about it. He called me in the middle of the night to tell me. We were all happy about it. I think Noora baked a cake for the occasion, not sure she ever told you.”

Both giggled at that. Noora really had a thing for feeding people in emotional situations.

“She didn’t,” Isak said.”But we were a bit secretive at first, so maybe it wasn’t out in the open yet.”

“Oh, everybody knew!” Eva said, beaming. “Chris saw you two in town together. And Sana knew through Yousef. It was the worst kept secret in Oslo back then, I hate to tell you.”

“Ha,” Isak smiled. Indeed, they had somewhat tried to keep it a secret at first, because they never really knew how fragile it was. Yet, over time, it was clear that it wasn't.

“How did you actually end up back together, though?” Eva asked, her brows furrowing, “You never told us.”

“Well, good question.” Isak smiled.

*_*_*

As much as their separation was a blur, at least for Isak, the question of when exactly he decided that he wanted to see Even again and find out where they stood with each other, whether there was still a chance to salvage this, wasn’t that much clearer.

They had always stayed in contact, more or less, at least after the first few months post-split up. It was only sporadic contact though, with Even wishing him a happy birthday and Isak in return wishing him a happy Christmas and a happy birthday the following February.

It was around March that same year, two years ago, that Isak remembered feeling restless, unhappy, more unhappy perhaps than in the weeks and months before.

He had quit his old job at the research institute and was now working for a company in Oslo. He would spend his days at work and nights at home, and things at some point just started to feel…off. Like he wasn’t living anymore, or barely existing, reduced to breathing, eating, sleeping, but ultimately empty. Useless.

And he remembered how he’d found himself thinking of Even more and more. There was a night in April, when he just didn’t care anymore and showed up at the restaurant that Even worked at, unannounced and unsure what to say. In hindsight, Isak thought, he just wanted to see him again, be around him again, no matter how it would turn out.

It was the look that Even gave him when he saw Isak sitting down at the counter that changed it all. He looked so shaken that Isak almost felt guilty, and for a while they just stared at each other from afar, exchanging a small smile and a few more gazes.

It took him a while, but eventually, toward the end of his shift, Even came over, Isak having patiently sat at the end of the counter, waiting for whenever he was ready to join him.  

“Hi.” Even said, almost shyly, when he joined Isak at the counter. It was endearing to Isak, as Even never used to be the shy one. Their relationship had changed over time, certainly. And it wasn’t like Isak didn’t feel slightly intimidated by it all as well, the whole situation… but his thoughts and desires had led him there that night and there was nothing he could have done about it.

They talked, briefly, about a lot of things, none of them really breached the surface. How work had gone and how Isak had changed jobs and was now spending more time in Oslo. And they shared a few giggles about how Eva and Jonas had separated again, only to be back together in the matter of weeks, for sure. They always did, a common thing to happen over the years, like clockwork.

There was a brief moment, after a while, when none of them said anything, the only noise being the other waiters in the room cleaning up the place and starting to get ready for closing time. It was late already, after all.

Even had poured himself a drink and was looking at the content of his glass, giving Isak a small smile next. Isak could almost read his thoughts. They just knew each other too well.

“Gosh, I missed you too.” Isak said, to which Even smiled, one of his happier smiles.

“Did I say I missed you?” he said, giving Isak a wink. He was joking, of course. Isak could tell. But it was nice to see their familiarity was still there. Those inside jokes and the way Even would tease him. It seemed like that never went away.

And that very night, he and Even went back to Isak’s place to just be together, no need for many words after that.

*_*_*

Initially, Even moved back in with Isak gradually, staying over a night here and there and spending less time at home. But soon they found themselves looking for a larger place, closer to Even’s place of work, so that they could spend more time together. And only a few months ago they talked about Even going back to film school, to the utter delight of Even’s parents, with Isak being able to help him out financially. It was around that time that talk of marriage kept coming up. In fact it was Even - who else - who brought it up first.

They were lying in bed together one night, after having made love, when Even mentioned he had thought about proposing, but was thinking that Isak would probably blow him off.

“Why would you think that?” Isak remembered saying, with Even’s head placed on his chest for a change. He’d been very quiet and gentle on that particular night.

“It seems like you’ve got it all figured out. You’ve got your plans and ideas about where you will be five years from now, and none of them really involve me. I think you can be whatever you want.”

“Don’t you think you can be whatever you want?” Isak asked. “You know that I can only dream or envision these things, thinking you’ll be by my side, right? I couldn’t picture any of that without you.”

“Hm,” Even said, and despite Isak’s affirmation, Even didn’t seem convinced. If there was anything Isak had that Even didn’t, with so many things that Even brought to the relationship, it was probably trust in the fact that things would not automatically turn bad. It was possibly related to Even’s disposition, but it had always taken a huge effort for him to not feel that a low had to automatically always follow a high.

Isak could sense this, and had ever since they’d gotten together, that Even became suspicious when things went too well, almost waiting for the spring to whip back once it stretched too far. That’s why he sometimes fell into a depression when things went too well between them. Like his body jumping ahead of his mind, leading him into false flag operations.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, or maybe you just won’t believe me,” Isak said, stroking Even’s neck with his thumb, “but I would never leave you if you don’t want me to. And even then I might not.”

Was it true though? Given that he’d almost cheated on Even once, that unfortunate time in the hallway of that hotel? In the end, drunk as he was, he didn’t do it. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. And maybe it was even more than a promise made to Even at that time, it was a promise to himself.

You saved me and I’ll save you right back. Forever. Nothing’s ever going to change that, no matter how stupid I might be at times.

Even seemed satisfied with the conversation, as satisfied as he could be, given his concerns. He changed positions to kiss Isak, stroking his ear, rubbing his nose against his partner’s.

“Then why don’t you marry me? Before you change your mind. We can do it quickly and tell everybody afterwards.”

“Huh?” Isak said. ”Weren’t you the one who’d planned it all out years ago, that big celebration?” He kissed Even on his nose. “We do it or we don’t. But if we do it, I want everyone to be there. Our parents, our friends. A fancy car. Nothing else will do.”

Even started to smile.

“Wait…so was this a yes?”

“What if it was?” Isak smiled back.

“Fuck, I’m going to call your mom right away to tell her the news. Just to be on the safe side, so you won’t bail on me later,”  Even said beaming, his eyes full of happiness.

“Have I ever bailed on you? Like, really? Because I remember all the times you bailed on me.” Isak smiled, raising his brows.

Even remembered those days all too well.

“You know I could never get you out of my mind, ever since we first met.”

“Yeah,” Isak said, kissing him. “I knew eventually. But it took you a while.”

Even took a deep breath, pondering, before he looked at Isak, raising his hand to trace the curve of one of his lover's brows. Those beautiful, unruly brows that seemed to go in all directions of the world.

“It may have taken a while for me to come to accept the fact that I love you. But I knew it all along.”

“I know,” Isak said. “So did I.”

And whatever unspoked agreement between them was made that day, they sealed it with a kiss.

*_*_*

End of Chapter 2

Chapter Text

*_*_*

Eva smiled.

“That’s so sweet. I mean, that’s why no one was really surprised when you guys came out with the news. I think we all kind of knew it was going to happen, sooner or later.”

Isak smiled, letting his gaze wander through the venue, with one distinct person missing.

“Do you know why Vilde isn’t here?” he asked. She had said that she was coming, but her breakup a few months ago with Magnus was probably to blame for her absence.

“I’m pretty sure she wanted to come,” Eva said. “Maybe it was just too much for her.”

“Hm,” Isak nodded. “Maybe…”

“Are you going to sit here all day?” Even said, dropping down on the bench beside Isak, kissing him on the cheek. He gave Eva a smile, which she returned. “Everybody keeps asking where you are. They all want to talk to you.”

“Ugh,” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “I’m just not very good at this. I mean, I am, but not with everybody at the same time.”

Even smiled at him gently, stroking his shoulder.

“I know. But how about you just take it one person at a time? Our friends have traveled quite a distance to be with us tonight. And it may be a while before we see them again, all together like this.”

Isak smiled back at Even, those words having hit home.

“And we still have not danced together yet. Your dad’s been asking for it, because he wants to take pictures.” Even smiled teasingly.

“Uuugh,” Isak said, this eye roll even bigger than the first one. He couldn’t think of anything more embarrassing than having to dance with Even, in the middle of the dance floor, with everyone watching them.

“Let’s hope it’s not Gabrielle,” he said under his breath, giving Even a cheeky smile back.

“Stop dissing that song!” Even said, laughing. “But no, it isn’t. I’ve found one that’s probably not to your taste either, but those lyrics, well…and we can hardly dance to Nas, can we?”

*_*_*

Every time, yeah

Why do you try to deny it

When you show up every night

And tell me that you want me but it's complicated

So complicated

When it hurts but it hurts so good

Do you take it?

Do you break it off?

When it hurts but it hurts so good

Can you say it?

Your love is like (hey, na-na-na, na-na)

It hurts so good

Even was right. That song really wasn’t to Isak’s taste either. But while they were dancing alone on the dancefloor, everybody watching them, with Isak’s dad taking pictures from the sides, it was hard not to feel how true those lyrics felt.

Both of them had their eyes closed, with Isak’s head next to Even’s, leaning against him.

“ You bastard ,” Isak said under his breath, just a tiny bit of reproach in his voice. “Do you want to make me cry in front of everybody? I’d never forgive you.”

“What if I did?” Even smiled. “There’s no harm in that.” He took a deep breath.

“Everybody loves you, Isak. They’ve all seen you being the idiot that you are. Why not let them see the sweet you as well? You only ever show me.”

“That’s because you’re an idiot too. We fit together well in that sense.”

Even chuckled, wrapping his arms around Isak, holding him tight.

“You’re probably right about that. They still love you though, just so you know.”

Isak smiled. He opened his eyes slightly, meeting the gazes of some of their friends.

Everybody was just as emotional as they were, and it shook Isak quite a bit.There was Jonas, who seemed to have tears in his eyes, next to Eva who held his hand and smiled at Isak.

There was Mahdi and his girlfriend, standing next to Noora and her boyfriend, giving them the biggest smile. Chris and Kasper stood behind them, smiling as well.

There were Sana and Yousef, with Elias and Mikael and the rest of the gang nearby, singing along to the song.

There were their parents, all of them wiping away tears, their fathers maybe trying to hide the fact a little more than their mothers did.

There was Eskild, with some friend of Noora’s by his side, smiling and giving them a wink.

There were Emma and Chris standing together with Sonja, raising their glasses to them.

And then there was Magnus with someone standing next to him that Isak had to look twice at to make sure he saw right.

It was Vilde, locking arms with Magnus, beaming at Isak with tears of joy on her face. She looked like she had just come in, her hair windswept and still wearing a jacket, and in street clothes rather than having dressed up for the occasion.

Isak didn’t mind. He was just glad that she’d made it here, no matter the circumstances.

He gave her a small smile and she smiled back at him, through her tears.

And Isak closed his eyes again, leaning in to kiss Even on the neck and Even kissed him back, as they continued to dance.

 *_*_*

“Are you sure you can drive that thing?” Isak was looking at Magnus a little skeptically. They were standing outside the venue with the evening drawing to a close, most of their friends and their parents already on the way home. Jonas was still there, looking equally skeptical, as he had paid for the whole thing.

“Of course I am!” Magnus said, grabbing the cap off Jonas’ head and placing it on his own. “Evak express, ready for take-off!” he said, to Jonas’ audible groans.

“But where are we going anyway?” Isak said. “Aren’t we just going home?”

“Not quite.” Even said, exchanging a smile and a knowing glance with Magnus. “I feel like I still have something to make up for…”

“Something to make up for?” Isak asked, exchanging glances with both of them. “What does that mean?”

“Well, you’ll never know until you get in this fucking car, don’t you?” Magnus said, grinning, and held open the door for him.

It finally dawned on Isak where they were going when they were driving through Grønland and nearing the place that had changed their lives quite a bit ten years ago.

“Are you kidding me?” Isak said, as they pulled up to the Radisson Blu, the site of that fateful night where everything had gone to hell. The highest highs and the lowest lows, all in one day.

“As I said,” Even smiled, taking Isak’s hand in his as the car came to a halt “There is something I feel I have to make up for.”

“You don’t,” Isak said, shaking his head. “Honestly.”

“But I want to,” Even said, pressing his hand. “Just let me, okay?”

*_*_*

They said goodbye to Magnus and checked in quickly. In fact, it didn’t go unnoticed by Isak how much Even presumably had planned for this. Nobody checked their information or anything, the hotel employee at the desk just handed them their key cards, smiling, and sent them on their way.

The way up to the suite in the elevator was different than all those years ago. It was dark outside already, so the city was glittering with lights, making their way up to the high floor magical. They weren’t wearing any backpacks or street clothes, just their fine suits that had come undone a little over the course of the day, their ties now loose and dangling, their passionate kissing in the elevator not helping much.

“Fy faen,” Isak said, catching his breath when they were almost up. “You didn’t have to.”

“But I wanted to,” Even said, smiling. “Just let me spoil you for once. Again. And this time I won’t run away.”

The Polar Suite looked almost like it did back then, with just some of the interior being a little different to how Isak remembered it. The bed still stood where it used to be, and so did the armchair, albeit with different upholstery.

When he saw the place by the window in the center of the suite, it became apparent that this hadn’t been a spur of a moment thing, but that Even had indeed planned this a while ago, without Isak ever noticing.

On the floor, where they’d once sat to eat, was a huge plate of mini-burgers and a bottle of champagne on ice. There were lit candles illuminating the space, and Isak could even smell the faint scent of lavender, no doubt a last practical joke that Eskild and Even had planned together.

“You idiots,” Isak mumbled, laughing under his breath, with Even just chuckling.

“Eskild insisted. He said it was the right send-off” he said, turning solemn while looking at Isak.

He drew him close, kissing Isak again, his hands sliding under his shirt to touch his bare skin.

“I’m sorry,” Even said huskily, probably a little too turned on by them making out in the elevator earlier. “We can eat, or fuck. I can’t do both. Or I’d have to cool off a little first.”

“We can always eat later,” Isak said softly, smiling and wrapping his hands around Even’s neck as he continued to kiss him.

*_*_*

It took them no time to get rid of their clothes, sliding into the sheets, kicking off their pants and socks and everything else, until there was nothing else but skin on skin, with their hands exploring all the sensitive areas of their bodies.

It was Isak who, though not planned by any means, after kissing and caressing each other, ended up on top of Even. He kissed his neck as he started touching one of his most sensitive spots, which had quite the desired effect on his lover.

Being hopelessly aroused, it took Even a bit of an effort, but he seemed to draw back a little.

“Hey… wait ,” he said, under his breath, cupping Isak’s face to look at him. It was usually Even who preferred being on top, which is what Isak usually wanted, and for good reason. Isak really enjoyed it, and that way they could take longer. But today it seemed Isak wanted to take a different route.

“If we do it like that, I’m gonna come right away. You know that,” Even said, breathing heavily.

“I know,” Isak whispered. “What if that’s what I want? For once? I want to see you come. I want to make you. I would love that.”

“But I want to come together with you,” Even said, barely able to speak with the desire too enormous, as Isak continued to touch him where it made him crazy, making Isak crazier in return as well.

Both were just a mess of arousal right now, like so often before, the only difference now was their roles being reversed.

“Just trust me,” Isak said, under his breath. “It will be fine. I promise.”

*_*_*

In the end Even had to give in, as he was too far down the path of passion and Isak seemed to want it so badly, so who was he to deny him? The first time they’d ever made love like that was in this very spot, in this very bed, and Isak had trusted him back then, so he had no choice but to trust Isak right now.

Not that he didn’t enjoy doing it like this, that wasn’t it. But it was still harder for Even perhaps to be the one having to trust more and open himself more. After all these years it still seemed that this was easier for Isak than it was for him. And this was possibly the most vulnerable position one could find oneself in, just receiving without feeling like you could give back. He usually prided himself in being the one who could satisfy Isak, knowing him inside out.

But yes, he did trust Isak. Even at their worst times, he had never been the one who talked about breaking up. It was Even who brought that up, because his own mind, the one that said you can only keep things by losing them, had convinced him this was the logical conclusion of them drifting apart.

That was in the past. Now they were together. And Even was more than eager to fully experience this moment between the two of them.

“ Do we ...?” Isak whispered, as he raised Even up, kneeling on the bed, the way they could still face each other. Even of course knew what he was asking for.

“In my pocket,” Even said, barely audible. Of course he had prepared for the night by bringing a small bottle of lube, knowing they would make love. He just didn’t expect that Isak would be the one asking for it.

Isak set him down briefly and reached for their pants on the floor, searching the pockets. Even just laid there, an arm draped over his eyes, trying to avoid looking at Isak and his manhood too much, to not become even more aroused. He was just breathing, breathing, until he felt a spurt of the liquid on him, Isak giving him a few strokes before he started to feel his lover’s fingers exploring the area below while squirting more of the liquid on himself.

When Isak raised him up on his thighs again to enter, he felt warmth. Arousal and love. But when Isak finally started to thrust, slowly at first while continuing to caress him, Even had to give in. He just gave up and let go, breathing heavily until they settled into a rhythm where Isak joined him, breathing just the same.

It was Isak, holding him by the waist to better control the movement, that again made Even want to avoid looking at him because it turned him on too much. He wanted to last as long as he could. He tried to lay one of his arms over his eyes again, but Isak whispered “No, please, let me look at you.” And so he did.

In the end, Isak was right. He could be trusted. When Even came, hot liquid bathing his belly in spurts, it was Isak who gave it a few more decisive thrusts until he shivered, groaned and pulled out, his own hot liquid joining Even’s, burying his face in Even’s neck as he continued to come, their manhoods touching. 

It took a while for Isak to compose himself, catching his breath, and then he cupped his husband’s face, kissing him deeply before he rolled on his side. He leaned his forehead against Even’s cheek, his hand moving up to caress his face with their eyes closed, enjoying the enduring bliss.

There was no need for words. Even leaned against Isak as well, feeling nothing but peace.

After a few minutes, it was Even who started laughing, under his breath.

“Man…how did you get so good at this?”

There was a pause, Isak breathing in and out, pondering.

“Well,” he finally said, smiling lightly. “Do you really want to know?”

“Uh, maybe I don’t.”

Isak laughed, shaking his head.

“I bet you learned a few things too while I wasn’t around.”

Even looked at the ceiling, having to think about that.

While he wasn’t fully in the know on what Isak had been up to in the time they were apart, Even knew that he hadn’t been a recluse or celibate, and he hadn’t expected him to be. On the contrary, he thought it was right for Isak to be with other people, to learn more about himself. That was what he should do, at his age. Even had been with Sonja for a long time prior, so he had that knowledge of how it felt being with other people, and it was a good knowledge to have.

That didn’t mean though, that it didn’t tear him to pieces when he saw Isak out and about with somebody else, or heard things. There was a night at a club, a few months after they’d broken up, when Even saw Isak, without him noticing, standing beside the turntables, chatting to the DJ. It didn’t seem strange or obvious at first, but after a while, Even saw these gestures between the two and these looks from Isak that he knew all too well. He couldn’t look on for very much longer, so he took his jacket and left. Isak never even knew he was there.

Shortly afterwards, when he met Lisa, everything seemed to be looking up, at first. She was nineteen, insanely pretty, and had started working at the same restaurant as him after finishing school, to earn money for a long trip abroad before she would start university. She had long blonde hair and green eyes as deep as a well of water. Even, who had just turned 25 at the time, easily impressed her with his wits and charm.

Soon they started working the same shifts together and it wasn’t long until they became a couple. Even enjoyed her positive outlook on life, how bubbly she could be in one moment and serious in another. It was after a few weeks of being together that Lisa asked if he wanted to join her on a six month trip to South America.

While he always loved to travel when he could, something he couldn’t identify made him feel reluctant. He enjoyed spending time with her no doubt, but they hadn’t been together long, and six months was a commitment. 

And there was also something else, that he hadn’t admitted to himself completely yet, but he couldn’t help comparing her to Isak. Isak was a little younger when they initially met, so it wasn’t the age, and of course he and Isak had had their rough patches as well, especially in the beginning. But there was a distance between him and Lisa that he simply couldn’t explain. Isak, in hindsight, had always seemed to want to get closer to him, to get to know him better, especially in those first early days after they’d initially met. But Lisa never asked him questions, she never picked and probed, she seemed content with just looking at him and being with him. While he remembered the time when he hid his true self from Isak, careful not to let out too much, a lack of curiosity probably wouldn’t have perturbed him at first.  He would even have possibly appreciated it for a while. But that simply wasn’t Isak, and that was quite clear early on. With Lisa though, that wasn’t clear at all.

It felt at times as if they existed in two different universes, for instance when they were lying in bed together on a lazy autumn afternoon, not talking. With Isak they’d never stop talking, always wanting to know more about the other.

It was then that Even realized that he felt empty. With her, in this. That this didn’t feel like it should feel.  And he ended it a short while later, making it easier by the fact that she was starting her trip soon.

So what he learned in this situation was that while he was still attracted to girls, or certain ones at least, the bar had been set high by whatever Isak had done to him. By how he had made him feel. And that made him miss him even more.

With Charles it was different. Much different to Lisa, and much different to Isak. Charles, a photographer from Amsterdam, was impressive, both in looks and in demeanor. They met at a small gallery when Charles was in town to exhibit his images. It seemed that Charles was transfixed by him right away and he invited Even to dinner the next day, to one of the finest restaurants in Oslo.

He was tall, just as tall as Even, a few years older, a handsome guy with dark hair. He always wore his shirts with the top three buttons unbuttoned, so you could see the remnants of an old tattoo that showed a finger pointing upwards where his heart was. He was unlike anybody Even had ever met.

They could talk about photography, and films, and Charles knew all Even’s references and all the things that nobody else knew. He made it a point to introduce Even to the movies of Derek Jarman, which Even had never seen before. They spent time in Oslo together and also Amsterdam, with Even traveling there to visit.

There was a weekend in Berlin that Charles invited him on a few weeks later, when things finally changed. It may have been Charles’ suggestions to Even, here and there and in-between, to stop taking his medicine in “order to feel real again,” which made Even feel…uneasy. There was a night, which in hindsight was one he’d give his right hand to remove from memory, when he saw Charles as the person he really was, someone who was lost and did not have Even’s best interest in mind.

It was this sleepless night, lying in bed next to Charles, that Even really started to miss Isak, remembering all they had lived through together. Night and day. A universe to travel through to get to a safe place.

The next day, before Charles woke up, Even took a train north to Oslo, which took him almost twenty hours in all, but made him feel better and better the closer he got to home. He deleted Charles’ number on the way and never looked back. He continued taking his medicine. He dreamed of a day, not yet but maybe someday, where he and Isak would be together again.

When there was someone who knew you inside out and could soothe your soul just by looking at you. When being with this person made you better and not worse. When someone cared about you the same way you cared about them. And that one person in his life had been Isak and nobody else.

“I think I learned that nothing was the same without you. That while some of it felt good, nothing felt right, if you know what I mean,” Even said, thinking out loud. “There was a point when I thought it was maybe all just a dream, not real, because nothing felt real anymore.”

“I know,” Isak said. “I mean, you were my first love, like ever.  How do others even compare to that? There were times when I thought I was happy, but it was never the same. I thought, that’s it, I’m never going to be truly happy anymore. Like I had lost the ability. That wasn’t a good time.”

He smiled at Even, a little wistfully.

“No, it wasn’t,” Even said, returning the smile. He remembered his parents worrying about him more than usual after they had broken up, afraid he would slip back into his old ways, not being interested in being stable. The pull, of course, was always there. But with Isak, the pull to the other side had always been stronger.

While his mother had loved Isak from the beginning, it had taken his father a while longer to accept the fact that this was his son’s life now, the two of them being together. Not because Isak was a boy, that wasn’t it, but because it seemed so unlike the Even he had known, or thought he had known. That’s at least how Even interpreted it. His dad probably thought it might be just a phase, just like Sonja did. But his father had never known him entirely, had not known about Mikael or what made him stay with Sonja, had never known that Even had been interested in other guys for a while already, so Even didn’t blame him. His dad was probably just worried that Even might fall off the tracks again, like the year earlier. But getting to know Isak and seeing what a positive influence he was on Even, a stabilizing force, made him realize there was nothing to worry about. On the contrary, he began to regard Isak almost as his own son.

Both his parents were distraught at he and Isak breaking up, having never seen Even so content and happy with somebody before. They made sure not to talk about it too much, careful not to open any wounds, but it was obvious. There was a sadness for quite some time that diminished slowly, if at all.

Same went for Isak’s parents, Even thought. There was a day that he ran into them in town and they practically wouldn’t let him go without making him promise he would come over for coffee sometime soon. Which he didn’t, because he couldn’t. It wouldn’t have felt right, even though he wanted to.

Today at the wedding he saw both of their parents the happiest he’d ever seen them, so that at least was good. It turned out fine. They all just needed a little trust that the universe would right or correct itself, and in the end, it did.

“What do you want to do now? It’s still early,” Even said, stroking Isak’s hair. They were lying in bed together, looking at each other lovingly, just like all those years ago.

“I think I want to shower, then eat, then do it all over again,” Isak said, giving Even a cheeky small smile.

“Well, no complaints here. Will you let me top, then? I still have a few tricks up my sleeve as well, you know.” Even said playfully, smiling back.

“Whatever, dude,” Isak said, both starting to laugh.

*_*_*

It was later in the night, post-shower, post-food and post-doing-it-all-over-again that Isak was finally feeling sleepy and Even seemed to be as well. Isak looked at his husband, how his eyes closed only to open again, how he was resting his one free hand on Isak’s neck, tenderly stroking the skin there.

It was so different to the night so many years ago, when Even just couldn’t lay down and relax, in the midst of his episode. This time around he did not leave, and even more than that, despite being on the verge of dozing off, he didn’t seem to want to fall asleep without Isak going to sleep alongside him.

It was Isak who raised a hand to Even’s face now, stroking his cheek, smiling at him.

“Baby, I loved this, all of this, but I really look forward to going home tomorrow. To our bed. To our life. Everything.” He took a deep breath, running a finger over one of Even’s eyebrows. Those eyes that were so beautiful when he smiled.

“But we’re going to Marrakesh next week,” Even said under his breath, smiling back at him. It sounded so alluring, to be going back to those old places again, which they’d traveled to ten years ago with their friends in tow, but now with only the two of them spending precious time together.

“Yeah…” Isak said, pondering for a while, before giving Even a content smile, taking a deep breath.

“That’s also home now. Just in a different place.”

- The end -