Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Two weeks after the heart attack and Ben was out of Hospital. He was staying with his mum still, even though his dad would have preferred him to live at his. He just needed some space, needed some time to continue to recover.

He had started therapy, started. It wasn't going that well, Ben struggled to open up. But there was one thing that had definitely talked out. Him losing Callum, he'd been told by his mum and brother that Callum had saved his life, given him CPR. Part of him was glad that his husband still cared enough to save him. Part of him wished that Callum and Jay hadn't found him, or had walked away as Suki did. He felt like he didn't deserve to be saved. Especially by the one person he had hurt the most. Most people would have left him to die on a pile of rubbish. He didn't blame them either.

The therapist had asked him, why was he so set on Callum not knowing. So Desperate to keep Callum as far away from it as possible. His answer was always that Callum deserves better, a better husband, a better life.

For three days, his mum, Jay, now his therapist. All telling him to speak to Callum, that Callum deserves to know and to make his own decisions. He didn't know what was for the best anymore. He was so tired, that he was struggling to stay sober. Sober from both drugs and alcohol, as well as being told to cut down or stop smoking. Dealing with everything sober was too much. Ben knew his family was struggling with him too, they rarely did ever know how to deal with him. But he knew his husband did, well did before he seemed to stop wanting to when their marriage started going through a rocky patch in January.

He decided that he would give Callum a choice, and if he decided to leave it that Ben was okay with that. Well, as well as he could be. But Ben himself knew he wouldn't be able to do it in person, he'd tried before.

So here he was, locked himself in his bedroom. Paper, pen and envelope in his lap. He began to write. He laid everything out, he knew if he was going to do this, he had to good it right. He had to lay his feelings bare. He could try to do that, in the safety of his locked bedroom. Where he could let himself be vulnerable.

After he'd finished the letter, he sealed it in the envelope. Before curling up under his duvet, letting himself sob. He continued sobbing til his body gave into sleep.

The next morning, he made himself get out of bed. Dragged himself to get ready. Even though he only put on a hoodie and joggers. He pulled his hood up to hide his face as he left his mum’s house out the back gate.

He quickly raced to the funeral parlour as quickly as he can, with his chest still tight. He entered the parlour. Careful to make sure that Jay was alone. He waited in the doorway, half covering his body with the door frame.

“Bruv, you okay?” Jay questions when he looks up and sees him.
“Need a favour,” Ben says quietly.
“What do you need? You want me to come back to your mum’s” Jay asks.
“No, it's okay. Just. Can you give his to Callum? Tell him it's okay if he doesn't open it. Just give him the option.” Ben quickly says, dropping the letter in front of Jay on the desk. Before trying to rush out of the room.
“Ben, stop please,” Jay shouts.
“Please Jay, before I change my mind,” Ben says his voice breaking.
“This is what I think it is. You telling him?” Jay asks. Ben nods.
“Everything” Ben whispers.
“Proud of you bruv.” Jay states.
“Don't Jay, he definitely won't love me anymore if he does read that. I don't know what to think about it. He deserves more than me, doesn't need a burden like me. None of you does.” Ben said before running out and back into the comfort of his locked bedroom.

..............................................................................

That evening, Jay sitting on the sofa of the flat. Waiting for Callum to come home from work. Nerves arise when he hears the door click and Callum's footsteps coming up the stairs of the flat.

“You alright Jay?” Callum says spotting him on the sofa.
“Yeah, look Callum I need to talk to you.” Jay starts.
“What's up?” Callum asks confused.
“I need you to hear me out. Ben asked me to give you this?” Jay replies handing Callum the letter.
“Jay, whatever he says in this, isn't going to fix the fact he cheated on me.” Callum responses.
“Callum, Ben promises me that he wrote everything in here. Everything you don't know, all I can say is that knowing you would change how you feel. Ben is convinced that you won't even open it, or read it. That you won't give him a chance to explain. Honestly, Callum, I'm scared. Scared that Lexi is going to lose her dad and I'm going to lose my brother. I don't know how long he's going to stay sober. If the drugs and alcohol don't kill him, he’ll find another way. I don't know how to help him now, it's not me he needs.” Jay explains.
“What do you mean to find another way?” Callum whispers shocked.
“I've nearly lost my brother twice in the last couple of weeks. The other time, Ben told Khreeat about Jags, and what he did. Khreeat tried to strangle him, but he was stopped. But the marks around his neck, made me feel sick. But he didn't care, all he had to say to Kathy was that Khreeat should have finished the job.” Jay informs him.
“Why would he tell Khreeat that? He knew that he would kill him.” Callum said.
“I think he thinks it is what he deserves,” Jay replies.
“Promise me you're at least read it” Jay adds.
“Alright, ill read it. But right now Jay I can't see anything changing.” Callum responses.

A couple of hours later and Callum makes himself a hot chocolate and goes off to his bedroom. He sits down on his bed and picks up the letter from his makeshift bedside table. Something was bugging him about Jay’s words. That they were something he didn't know. Something that would change how he felt.

He ran his fingers over Ben’s handwriting of his name. He always loved Ben’s swirly handwriting. Before turning it over and opening the letter.

‘Dear Callum,
Writing this I'm scared that you won't even be open to reading this letter. And that's okay, although I've got no idea how I will deal with you knowing or not wanting to know. Everyone told me that I need to stop hiding things from you. That I need to let you make your own decisions about this, about me and us. That all the cards need to be on the table for you to make those decisions. It’s funny because I remember you telling me something like that before.

I know that I have never been good enough for you. Not that I've been good enough for anybody. And I know I definitely ain't going to be good enough for anyone now, especially for you and especially for Lexi. You and Lexi have been the greatest part of my life. I still don't know what I did to deserve to even be part of your life. I will forever be in debt to whoever let me be a little part of your life.

I'm gonna start from the beginning of when things started going wrong. Back in January, when I watched those blokes beat you. Watching them attack you for who we are. I failed to protect you, I told myself that if was there with Paul that night. Then I could save him, protect him. But that night when they attack us, I failed to protect you. I froze and then I realised what if I couldn't have saved Paul. What if I lost you the same way I lost Paul? I couldn't deal with that. I knew that I couldn't deal with losing you too.

I thought hiding who we are would protect you. But you being you, my gorgeous beautiful proud husband didn't wanna hide anymore. And even though I couldn't say it to you, I was so proud of you for that. But I was so scared, scared that I would lose you, that someone was going to hurt you.

For months, I have had nightmares every night. The same nightmare that you died that night when they attacked us. Then your face would change into Pauls and then back to yours. I spent hours awake, making sure you were still breathing, that you were still alive. I hate that losing my hearing, took being able to hear your heartbeat. It has always been my favourite pastime. You would always laugh at me for wanting to listen to your heartbeat, how I fantasise and was obsessed with it. But it was always about feeling safe, knowing you were there and you are safe. I don't know why I was and am like that. Maybe it got something to do with losing Paul I don't know. But I missed hearing your heartbeat. To this day, I'm scared because I can't hear or feel your heartbeat, feel the rise and your chest. I worry that you are not safe, and do not know if your home and safe or not is so hard. But I know that because of the decisions I have made.

Attacking those men, was the decision I made that yes I do regret. But at the time it was the only way I could think of, to protect you. To keep those men that hated us for who we are from getting to you. From hurting you, from killing you too. I know now it was a wrong decision. I hurt a lot of people with my decision. Because of me, Peter has left mum with nothing and that's all my fault. And I seriously don't know why she still loves me or wants me around because she shouldn't.

Now for the hardest part, I need to explain to you what happened that night. It's hard thinking about you knowing what really happened. I don't know what I'm more scared of, you knowing and not caring. Or you knowing and wanting to help me. But the truth is I don't know if I can be helped now, or fixed. I'm too broken, too far gone now.

When we argued and I left the flat. I honestly thought I had fucked us up for good. That you wouldn't want me anymore. I went to drown my sorrow in the VIC. I had a few beers, and I decided to download that app. I knew it was a bad decision, but I wanted to make it easier for you to leave me. I was angry and stupid. I flicked through some of them before I landed on Lewis’s account. I began messaging him, but nothing really that bad, I wanted to take to someone, I said some shit things about you. I was angry and I regret those things and I will for the rest of my life.

I then went to Albert and got drunk chatting with him. I was so drunk I was struggling to stand up. I flirted with him and said something about going upstairs. When we were upstairs, we were kissing and making out. Then he went down to lock the doors. My phone went off and it was you sending me the cutest picture of you and Lexi. Like someone had throw a bucket of ice cold water over me. At that moment I knew I had fucked up, I didn't want this. I wanted you, I still had a chance to keep my family together. When Lewis came back, I said something about getting a glass of water and getting up. He pushed me back down on the sofa and said later. He keeps trying to kiss me and pushing me down onto the sofa. I tried to stop him, Cal, but I said no. But he did it anyway Cal. He raped me. I froze and let him do it, Cal. It was all my fault and I'm so sorry.

You were right to leave me, I deserved to lose you. You deserve to have someone so much better than me. You all do. The drink and the drugs are the only way I can deal with what happened. The pain, and being so scared.

Please remember that I have always loved you and wanted you. Maybe my life now, being so broken, dirty and damaged is my punishment for all the bad things I have done. I don't know. Promise you, that you live your life to the full. Find someone who can love you and look after you better than I could.

Cal, I can't be the dad Lexi wants or needs. She's yours too, she always will be. She loves you. Please look out for her, and be the dad she deserves and wants. Please make sure she knows that I will always love my princess, my baby.

Love you forever and always
Ben x

Tears fell down his cheeks. Realising that Jay was right, the letter from Ben would change how he felt. He missed the signs, he could see it now. He was so angry at himself for his actions, for the things he's said to Ben.

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He can see it now, the signs, the indicators of what his husband was going through. Why couldn't he of seen it back then?

His mind thinks of the things he's said or shouted at Ben. Everyone was on his side, who did he leave his husband with? What had he left his husband to deal with this or was he on his own?

He felt sick, the words Ben had used to decide himself, made him feel sick. That his husband, his beautiful, gorgeous husband felt that about himself. He knew Jay was right, Jay couldn't help Ben the way he needed to be helped right now. He was always right about how the letter would change how he felt. He felt like he had let his husband down. Yes, Ben did make some mistakes. But he had still chosen him when it counted. But that man took the choice from him in the wrong way.

Callum got off his bed and grabbed his phone and wallet. Throwing a hoodie over his head. Going out into the hall to grab his keys.

“You read the letter then,” Jay states, standing at the end of the hallway.
“How could I not of seen the signs? I'm a bloody copper Jay. I need to see him, Jay.” Callum replies.
“I don't know how he will react Callum.” Jay responses.
“I know but I have to try Jay. I have to tell him it's somehow going to be okay. I need to tell my husband that he is safe.” Callum started.
“Here, take this it's the key to unlock his bedroom. He doesn't know I have it, I took his keys to the hospital. Got keys to his bedroom and the arches cut, just in case.” Jay says handing Callum a small set of keys.
“You think he's that bad?” Callum says.
“You know him was well as me Cal. How do you think it took all of this, losing you? Lexi even told him she wants her old dad back.” Jay replies.
“I got to go, Jay, is he definitely at his mum,” Callum asks.
“Yes, Kathy confirmed it for me. Locks himself in his room and doesn't come out.” Jay tells him.

Callum runs across the square and doesn't want to waste another second. Knocks on the door of the house. Kathy answers quickly.

“Hi Callum, Jay texted me. I'm so glad Ben’s told you. I don't how what to do anymore. He's in his bedroom, I think he's asleep he hasn't come out in a couple of hours.” Kathy tells him.
“Is it alright if I go up?” Callum asks.
“Course you can, just be gentle with him,” Kathy warns him.
“I promise, I just want to see him,” Callum replies.

Callum takes the steps too at a time. When he reaches Ben’s bedroom door, he knocks on the door in case Ben is awake. When there is no answer, he unlocks the door with the key that Jay gave him.

Opening the bedroom door, Ben was awake and looking at him with a pure seat in his eyes.

“It's okay, it's only me.” Callum tries to reassure him.
“How did you?” Ben chokes, trying to get his breathing settled.
“Jay got keys cut when you were in the hospital. He was worried about you.” Callum explains.
“Ben, breathe with me. In and out.” Callum adds seeing Ben struggling to catch his breath.

“Sorry I keep having painc attacks,” Ben says when his breathing calms down.
“How often are you having them Ben?” Callum asks.
“A couple a day, I don't know lose count. You're here. You opened my letter?” Ben says back.
“Yeah I'm here, yes sweetheart I opened it and read it,” Callum replies carefully.
“You know,” Ben says wide-eyed.
“You should have told me the truth from the start, Ben,” Callum says quietly.
“I couldn't Cal. I'm so sorry.” Ben cries.

Callum sits down on the bed, the edge. Ben hugged his pillow so tight against his chest. Callum had to stop himself from reaching out to his husband. He wanted to hold his husband so badly right now.

“What are you sorry you Ben?” Callum carefully asks.
“Everything” Ben sobs.
“Lying to me about the attacks. Going out that nightto cheat on me. Yes, be sorry for that. But you said no Ben. That wasn't on you, that was on him that still is on him. For that, you have nothing to be sorry for. You wanted to be where you belong, didn't you?” Callum responses.
“All I wanted, all I still want.” Ben cries.
“Ben I want to hold you so bad right now. What do you think you can cope with? I don't want to panic or rush you.” Callum says honestly.
“I don't know. Can...” Ben starts.
“Anything you want baby. I'm not going anywhere.” Callum encourages him.
“Lay down on top of the duvet, facing me,” Ben tells him.
“Hold my hand, I deal with that I think.” Ben states.

Callum moves his arm out from under him, leaving it next to his chest in front of Ben. Letting Ben have control. Ben lay his arm on Callum slightly and takes Callum's hand in his. Keeps his eyes on Callum's face.

“Jay said you put everything in that letter but what's this about you telling Khreeat about jags?” Callum questions.
“He was being nice to me, helping me he came with me to my HIV appointment. Made me go. I didn't deserve his help, his kindness. I was high, he tried to strangle me. Didn't in the end, I passed out, Stacey brought me back to mum.” Ben explains.
“You have HIV,” Callum says shocked.
“No, I'm clear. I thought I did. I didn't get PEP straight away. He still gave me chlamydia, which cleared up with antibiotics.” Ben answers.
“Oh, sweetheart. Did you do all that on your own?” Callum asks.
“Mum didn't get it out of me till after that. I'm so scared Cal. I need a drink, need something so badly.” Ben says honestly.
“You don't Ben, I promise you. You can get through this alcohol and without the drugs. I'm here now to help you to support you.” Callum tells him.
“I don't deserve you. You deserve so much better.” Ben cries.
“I've told you many times before Ben. I choose what and who I deserve. Yes, we have some stuff to work through. But we are doing it to get you better first. I do have two conditions though?” Callum states.
“What are they?” Ben whispers.
“One, you stop lying and keeping things from me. If there is a problem we deal with it together. We talk about it together. Two, you have to get some proper help. Medical help. I will so whatever appointment you want me to do with you. Having just one panic attack a day isn't healthy or good for you Ben.” Callum tells him.
“You promise if I do it. I can have you back, my family back.” Ben questions.
“Yes and you can come home. We won't have to sleep in the same bed yet. I just want you with me, safe with me. Where I can look after you, you've lost so much weight, Ben. I know you, I know you wouldn't have been looking after yourself.” Callum answers.
“Some days I can't keep anything down. On another day I just can't be bothered.” Ben replies.
“I have two questions then you can sleep that okay?” Callum says, Ben nods.
“Jay is worried, that you are going to hurt yourself. Are you suicidal, even thought about it?” Callum questions.
“Every day, planned it. I'm trying so hard not to Cal, I don't wanna do that to Lexi.” Ben sobs.
“We're going to get you to help Ben okay? You're not gonna leave me or Lexi are you?” Callum says.
“I can't do this without you, Cal. I don't want a life without you, it has no point without you.” Ben cries.
“Then you know you need to do to keep me, don't you?” Ben nods in reply.
“Second question. Right now, is there anything else you have to tell me, cause now is the time to tell me?” Callum asks.
“Uh. I started cutting again. And I wanted me to feel like me again, the me I was before you. I slept with someone that I used to go to school with. I have to get high to even do it, made me feel sick. But I don't want anyone but you Cal. I just want you. I can't think of anything else. Oh, Kheerat wanted out of the arches, mum sorted it, got the money off Gavin’s sister. Gave me a bit of money to sort out the arches, and keep it running. It's in the safe at the arches. Peter knows it was me too, lewis told him parting gift for me. Peter had me arrested, mum covered for me and gave me an out. But he left and took everything from mum, It's my fault. Rocky took pleasure in telling me that. Lexi wants her old dad back, I keep snapping at her. I don't mean to. I don't remember what the doctor said I need to do after the heart attack. Gave me tablets but I haven't taken them.” Ben trying to get everything out he can think of.
“What have you used to cut?” Callum questions.
“Pen knife, it's in the bedside cabinet. This one, think there is whiskey in there too.” Ben answers.

Callum gets up and opens Ben's bedside table. He finds a lot more than just a pen knife and some whiskey. He pulls out, a pen knife, two bloody razors, and a half bottle of whiskey. A quarter-full bottle of vodka. A small bottle and packet Callum knows are drugs. Three boxes of painkillers.

Callum bagged it all up. Flushes the drugs, and pours the alcohol down the sink. And takes the bag downstairs, gives it to bobby and also him to throw it away but not at the house. Before going back and returns to his position back of the bed holding Ben's hand.

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It was very long night for both Callum and Ben. Callum finally saw everything because what nights were like for Ben now. Everytime Callum got Ben to sleep, he’d been awoken by Ben having a nightmare within an hour of going to sleep. Ben would always wake up scared and crying.

It was hard for Callum to settle him with being able to touch him. But as he found the more the night went on, the closer Ben got to him in search of comfort and security. The nightmares seemed to of calmed down at 4am, that was when Ben seemed to place his head on Callum’s chest. Callum know what he was doing, he wanted to feel the rise and fall of Callum’s chest. Callum was just happy that Ben felt comfortable enough to had some contact.

Callum was awake by 6:30am, but he happily lay there watching Ben sleep. Happy to let the men get some more rest he desperately needed. Watching Ben sleep, he could actually see the difference in the man. He’d lost so much weight, unkept. It was so unlike Ben not to shave or let his hair grow out. He hated having his beard to hair long. He’d often moaned at Callum about it. It was clear to him, how little Ben had been taking care of himself.

Kathy popped her head in the door at 8am. Callum whispered that they were fine, and that he’s gone him and see didn’t need to worry. Callum managed to pull himself out from under Ben without waking him. He quickly popped to the bathroom, because coming back to Bens bedroom. He could see Ben was starting to stir but didn’t want to be awake yet. Callum set about getting Ben’s suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe. Opening it up on the other side of the bed. He started emptying the wardrobe of Ben things and packing his stuff into the suitcase.

“What you doing?” Ben asks quietly.
“Packing you stuff, your coming home remember?” Callum replies.
“Me tired.” Ben pouts sleepily.
“I know baby, you rest and I’ll pack your stuff then we can get you home can’t we.” Callum says.
“I love you Cal.” Ben whispers.
“I love you too baby. It’s gonna be okay now, I’m here, I’m not leaving you.” Callum reassures.
“I hate being me Cal, I don’t know how to get through this.” Ben admits.
“That’s why we are going to do it together aren’t we. We’re in this together Ben, remember what I said, not more secrets, no more lies.” Callum reminds him.
“Together forever.” Ben smiles sadly.
“Yeah baby together forever. We going to get through this, I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. But we are.” Callum says.

Callum finishing packing up Ben’s stuff, Callum stays with him when he gets changed. But does close his eyes to give Ben a bit of privacy. They go back to the flat and Ben helps him unpack his stuff. By the time he’s finished it’s gone four and Jay coming home from work. Jay happily greets his brother.

“Baby, what do you want to do now? It’s up to you.” Callum asks Ben.
“Don’t know, just missed you. Miss Lexi too, Lola won’t let me see her till I get help.” Ben says honestly.
“Well you know what you got to do don’t you?” Callum replies.
“I’ll ring in the morning.” Ben gives in.
“Well done baby, bath?” Callum questions.
“Bubbles.” Ben whispers.
“Alright, but you keep the door unlocked okay, you know why?” Callum tells him.
“I ain’t stupid enough to do it when your here Cal.” Ben states, going to the bathroom.

“He is that bad then?” Jay says to Callum, when Ben shuts the bathroom door.
“Planned it, found drugs, whiskey, pen knife the lot in his cabinet. There all gone, don’t worry.” Callum responses.
“I should of told you sooner, I didn’t wanna break his trust.” Jay says.
“He wasn’t ready for me to know yet I know that. Don’t know how I’m going to get him to eat yet but we cross that bridge in a minute.” Callum said.

Callum then goes into his and Bens bedroom. Finally getting to call it that. He dials Lola number.

“Alright Cal?” Lola answers the phone.
“Hi Lo, listen I need a favour. Can you bring Lexi to mine to see Ben.” Callum tries.
“Callum he ain’t seeing her till he sorts himself out.” Lola reacts.
“Look Lo, do you trust me? They is stuff you don’t know, stuff I’ve only just found out. Ben will tell you when he’s ready. But he needs to see her, be reminded what he’s fighting for. He’s promised me he will contact the doctors tomorrow for help. I will make sure he does it. She’s so close to losing her dad for good Lo, I need her help to remind him he’ll still get a life worth living.” Callum pleads with her.
“Alright, I’ll bring her over. She hasn’t had tea yet.” Lola gives in.
“That alright we can all have a Chinese together, on me. Just let Ben spend some time with her.” Callum replies.
“See you in ten okay.” Lola ends the call.

Callum quickly phoned the Chinese and puts in a order. Already knowing what everyone likes. He grabs Ben some pjs and the hoodie he’s been wearing himself and drops them into the bathroom for him. He’s clears the alcohol from the flat before Ben gets out of the bath. Just as Ben comes back to the living room, sitting on the sofa with Jay. The buzzer to the flat goes off, Callum answers the buzzer and let’s them in. Ben looking at Callum with fear in his eyes, before Ben knows what’s happening Lexi shouting daddy and jumps on him. Wrapping his arms around his daughter and holding her tight. Tears freely flowing down his cheeks.

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Nobody spoke for a while, just let Ben hold Lexi and deal with his emotions. Lexi happily snuggled into her dad, having missed him so much.

When Ben did let go, Lexi put in one of her favourite movies for them to watch and placed herself back in Ben’s lap. The Chinese arrived, and Callum dished everyone’s places up with help of Lola. Callum had an idea on how he might be able to get Ben to eat, catches Lexi’s attention she runs straight over to him.

“Can you give daddy his dinner for me sweetheart? And Lex makes sure daddy knows that if you both finish your dinner. I’ll go get ice cream okay.” Callum tells her.

With Lexi shouting yay, she runs over to Ben and gives him his plate. When Lexi runs back over to get her plate, Callum knows from the look Ben is giving him that Lexi told him the deal.

But it worked because Ben did finish his plate, not wanting to disappoint Lexi. Even though he knew that Callum was always going to get her the ice cream. But he didn’t want to see the heartbreak on her face if he didn’t finish his plate.

“What Ice cream does everyone want then?” Callum asks. Everyone gives in their ice cream order but Ben.
“Baby, you want a mint chocolate chip?” Callum asks him quietly when everyone is more interested in the movie.
“Don’t want any, feel sick,” Ben whispers.
“You want me to get you some water before I Nip out,” Callum asks.
“I’ll be fine.” Ben states.

Callum returns to the flat after getting ice cream. He doesn’t see Ben in the living room and he starts to panic but Jay tells him the bathroom. Placing the bag of ice cream for Lola, he goes into the bathroom to check on Ben closing the door behind him.

He finds Ben bend over the toilet being sick. He instantly goes next to him and rubs his back with one hand.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep it down,” Ben says when he’s finished being sick.
“It’s okay, maybe we started too big of a meal,” Callum replies.
“Bold move there using Lexi to get me to eat,” Ben whispers.
“Wasn’t gonna get you to eat otherwise was i.” Callum states.
“Thank you though, I know it was you that got Lo to let me see her,” Ben says.
“She’s who your fighting for Ben. To be in her life, you need her, to see her, to spend time with her.” Callum replies.
“I’m so tired Cal, I can’t sleep. I try and eat, then I throw it up again.” Ben says, his voice breaking as he starts to get upset.
“I got you, baby, I’m here now.” Callum tries to comfort him, holding him close. Ben takes the chance to inhale Callum's scent he’s missed so much.

“Do you wanna go to bed? I can come and settle you down.” Callum says.
“Not til Lexi goes.” Ben states.
“I can get Lola to bring her back another time sweetheart,” Callum replies.
“If she will” Ben whispers.
“Alright, but if you start falling asleep, I’m taking you to bed.” Callum gives in.
“You wish,” Ben says with a small smile on his face. It was worth it for Ben just to see Callum so red.

As Callum helps Ben off the bathroom floor, and out to see the others. He settles him back down on the sofa with Lexi, before getting him a glass of water.

It was only twenty minutes later when Callum spots Ben fast asleep lent against the arm of the sofa. As Lola and Lexi say their goodbyes, Callum lifts Ben into his arms. He carries him to their bedroom, he takes off Ben's joggers and socks and tucked him up under the duvet.

He quickly rushes out to the kitchen to tidy up and make himself a hot chocolate. Before going back and sitting on the bed against the headboard reading his latest book, knowing it wasn’t going to be long before Ben woke up with a nightmare.

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Neither of them got much sleep that night, but again the more and more unsettled Ben got the more he calmed himself with Callum’s touch. Ended up practically laying on him to get the comfort and securely that he needed. When moving came, Ben didn’t get out of bed and didn’t phone the doctors for his appointment. It continued like that for the next couple of days.

Callum tried to encourage him to eat, had a bath or shower or come in the lounge with him. But Ben didn’t want too, and Callum didn’t want to push him to the point the walls would go back up. He was worried though, it was unlike Ben, but all Callum could do was keep trying. Callum had gone back to work today and had spent most of the day worrying about him. Texted him a few times and got one reply so far. Jay had texted him that he was still in bed, when he himself left for work.

When he’d finally finished his shift, he tried to get home to Ben as quickly as he could. He make sure he was okay, to know that he was safe again because Callum was there to support him and keep him safe.

But as Callum entered the flat and jogged up that stairs of the flat. He was meant with a scene that he wished he never had to see and never wanted to see again. His husband cuddle up in the fetal position, gasping for breath. It was clear to Callum having had then in the past that this was a panic attack.

“Ben, I’m here you’re okay. Take deep breaths for me.” Callum tries to help him, bending down next to him and reaching out to touch him. He had to pull his hand away quickly though as Ben panicked from the touch.

“Deep breaths sweetheart, watch me darling. You can do it Ben.” Callum tries to encourage. As Ben eyes link with Callum’s, Ben begins to start copying Callum’s breathing.
“That’s it sweetheart” Callum says, it still takes Ben a good ten minutes before he feels calm enough. It’s seconds after that, that Ben climbs onto Callum’s floor sit sat on the floor.

“I got you, you’re safe.” Callum whispers, as he wrapped his arms around Ben.
“All I did was drop a glass.” Ben says quietly.
“Where did you drop it sweetheart?” Callum asks.
“Kitchen” Ben whispers.
“What do you want to do now sweetheart?” Callum asks.
“I don’t know” Ben admits.
“Do you want to go for a rest? Or do you want me to run you a bubble bath before you rest?” Callum said giving Ben some options.
“Will you sit next to the bath?” Ben questions him.
“Course I will sweetheart. What do you want to do hot chocolates or run the bath?” Callum pushes.
“Bath” Ben says.

Ben goes into the bathroom as Callum makes them some drinks. When Callum had finished making the drinks, he goes into the bathroom to find Ben staring at the running cold tap, sat on the bathroom floor. Callum placing the drinks on the side in the bathroom and turns off the cold tap, turning the hot tap on instead. Adding some bubble bath into the water before he turns his attention to Ben.

“Sweetheart, you okay?” Callum asks him.
“I hate this Cal, I feel so weak. I can’t even run myself a bath today. It’s not fair on you, having to take care of me after everything I’ve out you though.” Ben replies.
“Ben, I love taking care of you and you know that. I will be here to help you with anything you need or want me to help with.” Callum tells him.
“Will you help me in the bath I mean?” Ben asks queitly.
“Course I will Sweetheart, do you want me to help undress you?” Callum answers. Ben nods.

So that’s what Callum does, he undress his husband, helped him into the bath. Then he wash ed him, washed his hair. Before helping him out of the bath and into bed. It wasn’t long before Callum climbed into bed next to him and allowed Ben to snuggle his head into his own chest. Finally his husband accepting more of his touch, his love, his help.

Chapter Text

With Callum’s encouragement, Ben became more and more open to the idea of going to the doctors again. But one thing was clear, he wasn’t keen on going without Callum.

However, the worse happened. When the only appointment the doctor could give him, Callum was working. Callum encouraged him to still go and get the support from the doctors that he needed. Ben eventually agreed, especially after Callum promised to buy him a Chinese if he goes.

That morning, Callum made sure to wake Ben up with him and get him in the shower before he left for work.

Once Callum left for work, Ben decided to go to the cafe to get a coffee. Knowing himself that if he didn’t he would just go back to bed. His mum ended up coming over and sitting with him for a bit on a break.

But then he was surprised when he had a visitor come over that he didn’t expect, given recent events.

“So this is where you’re hiding then.” Lola states.
“I’m not hiding.” Ben replies quickly.
“Well your husband was worried you’re gone back to bed.” Lola smirks.
“Why do you think I came here? Don’t really wanna be on my own right now.” Ben said.
“Callum says you got doctors this morning.” Lola responses.
“I said I would go, he didn’t need to get you involved.” Ben says.
“I would stop moaning if I were you. He was trying to get me to bring Lexi over tonight to see you and us to have a Chinese with you again later.” Lola informs him.
“I can see Lexi?” Ben questions.
“What time your doctors?” Lola asks.
“In twenty minutes” Ben states.
“Right then, finish your coffee and we’ll go.” Lola responses.
“We” Ben says confused.
“Do you wanna go on your own?” Lola raises her eyebrows at him.
“Come on then, you’re my family you donut. No matter how much you drive me up the wall. You’re still our family. So let’s go get this done, then you can buy me lunch before we get our daughter from school.” Lola smiles at him.
“Thanks Lo.” Ben smiles back.

Lola walks over to the doctors surgery with him. Checks him in and sits and waits in the waiting area with him. Surprised when Ben silently grabs her hand, but happy to support him.

But when Ben name gets called, he panicked so much he refusing to let go of her hand.

“It’s okay, you can do it Ben. This then lunch, then Lexi yeah.” Lola reassured him.
“Come with me. I know I’m asking a lot.” Ben trails off.
“Let’s go” Lola cuts him off.

“Right, Mr Mitchell what can I do for you today?” The doctor questions him.
“It’s Ben.” Ben quickly said.
“My husband and well this one think I need some help.” Ben states.
“Okay, and you are.” The doctor looks towards Lola.
“Ben’s friend and mother of his daughter.” Lola answers.
“Okay, and what help do you think they think you need.” The doctors asks Ben.
“With my mental health, I haven’t been doing anything really. Don’t see the point.” Ben said.
“And how long have you felt like this Ben?” The doctor replies.
“Month or so, I don’t know what day it is anymore.” Ben said.
“Have you had any suicidal thoughts?” The doctor questions, Ben nods. Unable to look at Lola.
“Have you done anything to act on that?” The doctor asks.
“Not directly.” Ben whispered.
“What do you mean by that Ben?” The doctor said, Ben let out a small sob.
“Do you mean the overdose Ben?” Lola helps, Ben nods.
“Ben went to a party a couple of weeks back and got drunk and took drugs. He had an overdose, which caused him to have two cardiac arrests.” Lola explains.
“I didn’t mean too, I just wanted it all to go away.” Ben admits.
“Was this after you start struggling?” The doctor says.
“Yeah, something happened to me. Uh, I was raped.” Ben suddenly sobbed loudly.
“Okay Ben you’re doing really well.” The doctor said, Lola squeezed his hand in support.
“Ben I going to refer to crisis support. They will contact you with the next 48 hours max. Do you think you can keep yourself safe till then?” The doctor asks.
“I won’t do anything, Cal will make sure I’m okay.” Ben says emotionally.
“We’ve make sure he’s safe.” Lola adds.
“I’ll give you a prescription, but I would like you to see the crisis team to access you before I do okay.” The doctor explains.
“Okay” Ben says quietly.

They finish their conversation before Ben and Lola head out of the doctor’s surgery. Lola holds Ben hand tight. Keeps him close to her. As soon as they headed out of the door, Lola pulled him into a hug.

“I feel like a bitch now.” Lola admits.
“Don’t Lo, I wasn’t ready to tell you.” Ben said.
“Was it?” Lola starts to ask.
“Lewis yeah. Cal knows and mum and Jay. Dad now too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it’s just hard.” Ben replies.
“I love you you know. I’m here, you me and lex okay. But I need you to be honest with how you’re feeling, so we can all support you with it and with Lexi. She misses her daddy.” Lola tells him.
“I miss her too.” Ben whispers.
“We going to lunch then.” Ben says.
“You actually hungry though, I’m not that hungry anymore.” Lola states.
“Not really hungry anymore ever, but I’ve been looking forward to that Chinese Cal promised us.” Ben smiles at her sadly.
“Come on let’s go get a coffee before we go get madam from school.” Lola said.
“Can we get one to takeaway? Just go for a walk?” Ben asks.
“Course we can.” Lola says.

Chapter Text

Their walk ended up being a long walk, but Lola didn’t say anything to Ben because he was out of the flat. He was talking to a point.

When it got closer to the time that they would need to collect Lexi from school. They walked towards the school. When they got there they waited in the normal place that they waited for Lexi.

When Lexi comes out, bag in hand. She’s not playing any attention. But when she does look up and see Ben with Lola. She shouts daddy and runs straight into him. Ben does bends down and give her a big hug. Kisses the top of her hair.

“We’ve got to pop home and get changed babe, then we’re going to Daddy’s and Callum’s tonight to watch movies and have a Chinese tonight.” Lola tells her daughter.
“Yay. Can we stay tonight at daddy’s?” Lexi asks.
“Yeah okay. I’ll say in jay’s room.” Lola answers before Ben can say anything.
“You gonna ask Jay about that.” Ben raises his eyebrows.
“Don’t need to, he loves being in bed with me.” Lola states before she thinks.
“Knew it” Ben smiles.
“Yeah alright. We going to get mine and Lex’s stuff then if we’ve staying to yours.” Lola says.
“I can guess where this one is sleeping tonight.” Ben smiles as Lexi still glued to him.
“In your bed, silly daddy.” Lexi giggles at bed.
“It’s cause I’m missed you daddy.” Lexi tells him. Ben picks her up and whizzes her around a little.
“No dad, I’m a big girl now.” Lexi tells him off.
“You’re a big girl but still want to sleep in-between me and Cal tonight?” Ben raises her eyebrows at her.
“Yep, and one of your stories but a big girl one.” Lexi told him.
“Anything my princess wants.” Ben smiles.

As they are walking towards Lola’s, they run into Callum coming home. Lexi runs straight over to him and he gives her a cuddle. Callum catches Lola nodding to him. So he opened his arms up for Ben and a sob catches in his breath that he was holding in as he lays his head on Callum’s shoulder.

“Right Lex, why don’t me and you go sort our stuff out? And we will see daddy and Callum in a minute at the flat.” Lola pushes her toward the flat.
“Can I have one of your hot chocolate Cal?” Lexi asks him.
“Course you can, I’ll go get it started. You better hurry and get your bits sorted before Daddy drinks it all.” Callum replies.
“Mum hurry” Lexi shouts running into the house, Ben passing Lola his keys before she follows Lexi in.

“You okay?” Callum asks as they walk hand in hand back to the Flat.
“Lola went with me, she knows Cal. I didn’t wanna be on my own.” Ben says.
“And how do you feel now?” Callum asks.
“I can’t think about it right now, can we face sorting out the crisis nurse thing in the morning? I just wanna try and enjoy spending some time with our little family tonight. They’re staying, I was right about Lola and Jay. Lexi decided she’s in with us by the way.” Ben replies.
“I worked that out babe, you still mad at me for getting Lo involved.” Callum questions.
“No, I’m not mad. Lo, don’t take no for an answer. I think I needed that today.” Ben admits.
“I can be bossy, you know.” Callum smirks.
“I know you can, it’s hot.” Ben teases a little, a glimpse of his old self coming through. Even gives Callum a soft gentle kiss.

It wasn’t long before the girls were at the flat to join them. Hot chocolates made, but Lexi not happy she has to do her homework before she can watch movies with Ben. But then calms when Ben says he’ll stick and go through it with her. Homework Done and movies started, when Jay arrives at the flat. They ordered and have the Chinese that Callum promised Ben. Before Ben puts Lexi to bed in their room, when he doesn’t come back out, Lola goes to check on them. She finds them fast sleep, curled up together. Lexi head curling into ben’s chest. Ben laid on his side with his arm cuddling and protecting his daughter. Lola waves Callum over and Callum heart melts at the scene. He hugs Lola from the side as they watch them for a minute, kisses the top of her head in thank you.

Chapter Text

It was 11am the next morning, when Ben phone rang. Answering it not even thinking or wanting to think about who was on the another end of the line. He speak as he takes a deep breath, telling himself that he can do this for Callum and Lexi.

“Hello” Ben says down the phone.
“I looking for a Mr Mitchell.” The caller says.
“This is him.” Ben replies.
“Hello Mr Mitchell, my name Olivia Miller. I’m a mental health nurse with the Walford crisis team.” The caller explains.
“It’s Ben, I only like Ben.” Ben tells them.
“Okay Ben, in that case I’m Liv.” Olivia replies.
“Hi Liv.” Ben breathes.
“Ben, can you take some deep breaths for me?” Liv asks.
“I can’t” Ben panics.
“You can Ben I promise, breathe in, and out.” Liv states, repeats again and again till Ben starts to breathe easier.
“Sorry” Ben says.
“You’re got nothing to be sorry for Ben.” Liv tells him.
“I wanted to do an assessment with you Ben, but I think I need to see you first, so I can support you as we do it. Would that be okay?” Liv asks.
“Yes that’s okay.” Ben sobs slightly.
“Okay Ben, do you want to come to me? Or I can come to you, where would you feel better?” Liv questions.
“Here, my husband is home at 4:30.” Ben states.
“Would you prefer to talk to me with your husband Ben is that what you are asking?” Liv replies.
“Yes” is all Ben can get out.
“What does your husband do Ben?” Liv asks.
“Police officer” Ben breathes.
“Shall we say 5pm then at yours, that’s the address on your records yes?” Liv asks.
“Yeah, I need him.” Ben cries.
“Ben, do you feel safe on your own till your husband comes home.” Liv asks.
“Yeah, I just want to go back to bed.” Ben says.
“Okay Ben, at any point you feel yourself struggling, I’ll be available on this number okay.” Liv replies.
“Okay.” Ben answers before saying goodbye and ending the call.

He cries into his own pillow, till he falls back to sleep exhausted. Woken up by Callum when he comes home a little early and checks on him.

“You okay baby?” Callum asks.
“Crisis called. A mental health nurse is coming at 5pm to do an assessment with me. I said I wanted to do it with you here.” Ben gets out quickly.
“Okay baby, we can do that. It’s only 3. So do you want anything before?” Callum questions.
“A tea please. Cal, tell me I get do this.” Ben cries.
“Hey come here, you are the bravest and strongest man I know. You can get though this. I promise you. Together we can do this and together we are going to be this together baby. I love you and I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” Callum tells him.
“Can we watch something together please? Before Liv comes.” Ben says.
“Come on, you can choose. I’ll make the tea.” Callum helps him towards the living room.

Chapter Text

They sat and watched a programme of Ben’s choice for a little while. When the doorbell went, Callum went over and let Liv in. Went out in the hall to meet her, he introduced himself to her. Before showing her through to the lounge to Ben. Callum instantly picking up that Ben was panicking and he didn’t like it.

“Baby, it’s okay. I’m here you’re safe.” Callum tells him.
“Ben, it’s Liv. We spoke on the phone didn’t we. Can you breathe in and out for me?” Liv asks.
“Can’t” Ben panics.
“Look at me sweetheart.” Callum helps.
“In……and out.” Callum repeats over and over.
“Well done Ben.” Liv says when he starts to really calm down.
“I’m sorry” Ben cries.
“You don’t need to be sorry Ben. It was a panic attack, you can’t help it. I can help you deal with the panic attacks. Have you had any before Ben?” Liv asks.
“All the time since and in prison before.” Ben answers, still trying to keep him calm.
“When were you in prison Ben?” Liv questions.

Ben looks towards Callum, snuggles more towards him.

“It’s okay baby, I’m here.” Callum reassures him.
“When I was a kid.” Ben answers finally.
“Okay Ben. Can I ask when you were in prisoner for?” Liv asks.
“No-one is going to judge you baby.” Callum says.
“It was an accident, I didn’t mean too. Cal I cant do this.” Ben states.
“Can I baby?” Callum questions, Ben nods against him.
“How much Baby?” Callum questions.
“Don’t care, what you think? Just can I have my implant out please?” Ben says.
“Liv, do you mine if we move to the bedroom? He’s more comfortable in there right now. He will settle better.” Callum asks her.
“Of course, we can do whatever is easier for Ben.” Liv confirms.

They move towards the bedroom, Ben cuddles under the duvet. Callum sits against the headboard and lays a pillow over his lap. Lets Ben lay his head on the pillow, so he could play with his hair once he had taken out the implant for him.

“Ben had a really high level of trauma in his life, some things he wouldn’t even think is trauma himself. But me being a police officer. He struggling to tell you, because he was brought up being told to be a man. To bottle everything up, that he’s weak if he shows emotions.” Callum explains.
“Okay. But he allowed you to tell me.” Liv says confused a little.
“Ben trusts that I will tell you what I need too, to help you help him and me.” Callum confirms.
“Ben had exposed and dealt with domestic violence, criminal activity since he was young, physical, verbal and emotional abuse. He been discrimination against because of being gay and deaf. his first boyfriend was murdered. The trigger for this was he was raped by someone he thought was his friend a couple weeks ago. I don’t know if there is stuff he hasn’t told me or be. Uh, he was in prison twice, once for ABH when he was young and served two years for manslaughter between the ages of 16 and 18, it was an accident.” Callum informs her.
“Right okay, do you think he will speak to me now you’re told me. I need to access whether he can keep himself safe?” Liv asks.
“We can try.” Callum replies, before gently stroking Ben hair till he looks up at him.

‘Talk please’ Callum signs.
“Talking hard” Ben states. But doesn’t try and stop him from putting in his implant.
“We can take as long as you need Ben and we can take breaks. But I need to do this assessment and it has to be from you. And I need you to be honest about how you’re feeling.” Liv tells him.
“I’m scared, everything scares me now. Im so weak.” Ben says.
“It’s not weak to be scared Ben, it’s natural and the body way of talking to us.” Liv responses.
“I don’t want to talk about him” Ben states.
“We don’t have too Ben, you can talk when you’re ready. But I do need you ask you if you need seen, or got tested.” Liv replies.
“I got tested, had PEP. I’m clear from HIV, I am an STI but it’s cleared with tablets.” Ben replies.
“Okay Ben, how many panic attacks do you think you’re having?” Liv questions.
“More than one a day, I think.” Ben answers.
“Any thoughts about harming yourself?” Liv asks. Ben nods.
“Self Harming or suicidal?” Liv tries to confirm.
“Suicide.” Ben whispers.
“Have you tried to act on that?” Liv says. Ben shakes his head.
“Ben” Callum pushes.
“I was trying them, I just wanted to shut everything up.” Ben states.
“Can Callum tells me what it was Ben?” Liv tries. Ben nods.
“Ben overdosed just over a month ago, stop breathing three times. Both Drugs and Alcohol abuse.” Callum adds.
“When was the last time you had drugs and alcohol Ben?” Liv asks.
“Drugs not since the overdose. Alcohol before I moved back in here.” Ben answers.
“If the doctor gives you medication, which I want to put forward you won’t be able to have either. I need you understand that Ben.” Liv says.
“I won’t, Cal ain’t gonna let me.” Ben smiles up at him.
“I just need some help. I need to do it for Cal and for Lexi.” Ben says.
“Who’s Lexi?” Livi asks.
“My daughter.” Ben replies.
“Okay, Ben do you feel that you can keep yourself safe tonight and the morning?” Liv questions.
“Yeah” Ben says quietly.
“Okay, well I’m going to speak to the doctor in the morning okay and then I’ll come check on you okay.” Liv explains.
“I’m at work till 4pm, if he doesn’t hear you, Jay at the car lot has a flat key for emergencies.” Callum tells her.
“Leave my work on the bed and it will vibrate and wake me up.” Ben whispers.

Liv leaves Callum to settle Ben to sleep. Knowing that he won’t be asleep for long.

Chapter Text

Ben had spend most that night in and out of nightmares. Everything Callum reassuring him that he was safe and helping to settle him back down to sleep. Callum left Ben asleep while he got ready for work. But had to wake him just before he was meant to leave, so he didn’t wake up and panic that Callum had gone. He brought him a cup of tea as he woke him.

Ben settled for a while before he wished that Callum never went to work in the first place. It was nearly Lunchtime when he got up, managed to convince himself to get in the shower. Letting the hot water run over his body for a while. When he got out he still didn’t feel clean. he used the rest of his energy to get changed and make himself a cup of tea before collapsing onto the chair in the living room. He resting his head back on the back of the chair as he rests his eyes.

He doesn’t get much time when he gets a text from Liv, to ask if she can pop over. He replies a simple yes, and managed to press the buzzer when she arrives. He tries to walk over to make more tea, but doesn’t make it before he has to grab the side to keep him upright. It had to be that moment that Liv walked into the room.

“Okay, Let’s get you sat down.” Liv says, helping Ben back over to the chair.
“Sorry” Ben apologised.
“Nothing to be sorry about Ben. When was the last time you ate?” Liv asks him.
“Don’t know. Few days maybe.” Ben answers honestly.
“Can we get you something to eat? Try to eat a little.” Liv questions.
“You saw me, I don’t think I can stand for a while yet.” Ben says.
“I’ll make it, just tell me what you want to try.” Liv replies.
“Toast.” Ben whispers.
“What do you have on your toast.” Liv asks.
“Chocolate spread, in the cupboard above the bread bin.” Ben answers.
“Refill” Liv says, picking u the cold tea that Ben made.
“Yes please, milk, two sugars.” Ben replies.

It doesn’t take Liv long till she is back into front of Ben, placing a cup of tea and a plate with two pieces of toast cut in half on the table in front of him. Before bringing over a cup of tea for herself.

“Thank you.” Ben says quietly.
“You’re welcome.” Liv replies.
“How long till Callum comes home?” Ben questions.
“2 hours.” Liv answers him.
“I had a bad night.” Ben states.
“How was it bad night Ben?” Liv asks.
“Nightmares, I kept Callum up most of the night. He would be so much better off without me, but I can’t take losing him again.” Ben cries.
“What do you mean again Ben?” Liv questions.
“When it happened, I let him believe I cheated. I broke his heart and he left me. I don’t blame him. But going through this without him, life with him, makes me life a little easier.” Ben says.
“And I never leaving you again.” Callum says from the doorway.
“Cal.” Ben breaks down.
“I’m here, I got off early. Me and you every step of the way babe” Callum smiles as he kneels down next to him.
“What did the doctor say?” Callum asks.
“It’s okay.” Ben confirms before Liv even has the chance to ask.
“He’s going to give you anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication. your risk is too high for you to keep hold of them, so I will give you your medication, I’ll come see you everyday, I would prefer to see you twice a day to start with. I can give you two diazepam in hand, to help with the panic attacks if you need them okay.” Liv explains.
“There more isn’t there.” Ben says.
“You will need to attend counselling and CBT to be able to support you with medication. I can support you anyway you need to help you support you to do this.” Liv tells him.
“At least you don’t have to deal with me on your own anymore.” Ben smiles sadly.
“Babe, it’s about getting you better, not dealing with you.” Callum says.
“I let you have some time okay. I’ll be back around six thirty with you first lot of medication okay.” Liv tells them both.
“See you then.” Callum agrees.
“Cal, bed help.” Ben says has Liv goes.

Chapter Text

When Callum let Liv back into the flat a couple hours later, Ben was still fast asleep in the bedroom. She came up, Callum was supersede at how pleased she was that Ben was still asleep.

“How are you?” Liv asks him.
“I’m fine, it’s not about me.” Callum states a little too quickly.
“Callum, I had picked up on the fact that although Ben tries to internalise his feelings ands emotions. They bubble to the point that it comes out physically with him. But I have picked up from both you and Ben, that you have leant how to stop that to hide your feelings from the world. You are the biggest part of Ben’s support system, if I didn’t support you in this too. When I’m gone and Ben’s improved, if you then was struggling do you think Ben would be well enough to support you in the way he wants too.” Liv explained.
“He wouldn’t cope with that.” Callum says quietly.
“There been a lot of changes and truths that had come out suddenly. You both went from being separated to you being Ben’s main care and support. That’s a lot for anyone to cope with, and you’re working full time in a stressful job at the same time.” Liv replies.
“I’ve been put on station duties for a little while. It’s why I’m been home early a lot. They offered me time off, but I think that would upset Ben more. He needs some space at the moment, work in the only time I’m brave enough to give it to him.” Callum admits.
“I agree with you, he needs that space and almost trust too. I can work my visits to support in the morning or afternoon to support and check in on him while you’re gone. There is some bits we need to up now. But right now the support is helping and Ben is making some little progress, but it’s early days Callum.” Liv says.
“What needs doing now?” Callum questions.
“How often does Ben sort his own meals, drinks to how often you do it.” Liv asks.
“Ben only does it when I’m at work, when I’m home I made him everything.” Callum answers.
“Do you think Ben is actually making things for himself when you’re not here?” Liv asked.
“Not really, made a few coffees I think. Ben ain’t good at housekeeping. i would know if he did, either the dishes would be in the sink or the crumbs from the toast all over the side.” Callum smiles sadly.
“I need your help to increase the calories Ben is having. He wasn’t very good on his feet earlier. I don’t care what he’s eating at the moment. If drinking is easier, smoothies, milkshakes stuff like that. Don’t worry about healthy eating and not healthy eating at the moment. His calories intake in the most important right now.” Liv tells him.
“Anything else, I need to be doing” Callum questions her.
“Ben spends the majority of his time in your bedroom. The room is just a airbed. Is there anything you are able to do with that.” Liv says.
“You’re saying to me that the environment might not be helping Ben.” Callum realises, putting his head in his hands.
“It’s advice Callum you don’t have to take anything I say. It’s my job to give you advice to help Ben.” Liv starts explaining.

Before Callum could even reply, the loud bang of the door downstairs slams.
“Daddy” echos through the flat with the cheerfully voice of Lexi.
“He’s asleep Lex.” Callum tries.
“Not any more.” Ben shouts though, clearly feeling the vibration to cause him to put his implant on.
“Daddy, I need help with my maths.” Lexi announces.
“Where’s mummy Lex?” Callum asks.
“Pops dropped me off. I know the key safe code remember, it’s my birthday.” Lexi states.
“I did tell you, not to set it as her birthday.” Ben says coming into the room.
“You wouldn’t remember it if I didn’t. How many times have you locked your keys in the house.” Callum responses.
“I haven’t forgetten your birthday.” Ben states.
“25th March 1991.” Lexi giggles proudly.
“Pointless then.” Ben kisses the top of her head.
“Maths homework daddy.” Lexi said, getting her bits out from her bag.
“I need five minutes with Liv first okay baby.” Ben breathes, as he finally makes it over to the chair.

Chapter Text

It a few days later and Liv came to collect Ben for his first theapry session. She was pleased to see that Ben was carrying a bottle of smoothie as Callum waving him off at the door. Liv had barely seen Callum since they chat the other night. But clearly he’d taken in some of what she’d said.

“You ready?” Liv says as she moves off of the car.
“Nope, but I’m going.” Ben states.
“It’s just the start Ben, it will get easier.” Liv tries.
“You say that but a lot of shit has happened to me Liv. Things I’ve done, things that have been done to me.” Ben begins.
“ One step at a time Ben. That’s all anyone is asking of you.” Liv says.

Ben didn’t talk for the rest of the car journey. Liv parked her car in the staff car park as they got to the hospital. Ben was already getting tired when Liv asked him to wait for her in the waiting room. Then when she came to get him, he just wanted to go back to bed. When they entered the room, there was like a living room set up. A sofa and a chair with a coffee table in front of it. There was a lady sat in the chair looking at him. Ben realised he would had to sit on the sofa, he hadn’t sat on a sofa since. He found himself backing away, starting to panic.

“Ben, breathe.” Liv encourages.
“Ben, I’m Leah. Take some deep breathes for me. When you feel ready tell me five things you see okay.” Leah says.
“Sofa, chair, table, lamp, cushion.” Ben says quietly.
“Well done Ben, do you know what made you panic?” Leah asks.
“Sofa. I can’t.” Ben whispered.
“Can you tell me why?” Leah says.
“He raped me on a sofa.” Ben cried.
“Okay, I’m gonna give you an option Ben okay. Either I can sit on the sofa and you on the chair, there is some beanbags in my office or we can go find a bench or something out in the gardens. Which do you feel would help to calm you right now?” Leah asks.
“Outside, I need a smoke.” Ben states.
“Ben” Liv starts.
“Don’t. Callum said if I smoked in the flat again, he would detach my balls. Outside is not the flat.” Ben reminded her.
“You don’t need to look at me like that. It’s an empty threat, he loves my balls to much.” Ben smirks.
“Callum, your partner?” Leah asked him.
“My Husband” Ben replies.
“Do you want to discuss how you two met while we walk outside?” Leah questions. Ben nods.
“Ben do you want me to stay?” Liv asks.
“I’ll be okay.” Ben breathes.
“Leah will bring you to me? When you’re finished okay.” Liv tells him.

“So the husband?” Leah asks as they leave the room.
“What about him?” Ben responses.
“How did you meet?” Leah replies.
“Why do you wanna know? he isn’t involved in any of this. He’s one of the only good things in my life.” Ben says.
“The more I know about you, your life, your situation the more I can help you. You smiled when you spoke of him. From the information that Liv has given me. There is a lot of things underneath which you need to deal with too. Ben I was paired with you for two reasons, I can speak sign lanunage, so if you need me to sign anything tell me. Secondly, i’m a lesbian. i understand the struggles in the LGBTQ+ Community. I’m not a traditional thearpist, but something tells me that what you might need.” Leah explains.
“When I met Callum, he was in a relationship with a woman.” Ben starts.
“He wasn’t out then.” Leah confirms.
“No, it was living in the pub that my family used to own. in that moment, all I could think was how gorgeous he was. he had the most riddilous hair cut. He was in the army, had like a bowl cut. Never not wore a beanie hat.” Ben says as he lights his cigreatte.
“Please tell me he doesn’t still wear the beanie hat?” Leah questions.
“No, it’s like his hair to much now.” Ben says, pulling up a photo of Callum on his phone, handing it to her.
“Still got the muscles then.” Leah comments.
“He’s a police officer now. Did Liv tell you about my history? My record.” Ben asks.
“You know liv can’t tell me much, it’ just enough to help match you. I take it you’re not speaking clean then.” Leah replies.
“No, being with me, makes things difficult for him. But he still wants me, he makes me a better man. But I’m also good at fucking it up too.” Ben says.
“Are you doing anything illegal right now?” Leah pushes.
“No, I haven’t for a while. I want to be better for him, I always end up failing him though, I normally go back to it when things are hard. I know he’s worried about it, but won’t say it to my face cause he’s sick of telling me. Reminding me I can be better.” Ben explains.
“Okay, do you agree that there is a lot of layers that we need to go through to help support you?” Leah asks. Ben nods.
“Where do you think you need to start?” Leah questions.
“I can’t talk about the rape yet, I know it’s what’s current. But I’m not ready.” Ben admits.
“Okay, what about childhood? Can we start there next time?” Leah says.
“Yeah, what about today?” Ben questions.
“I want to know more about you. Callum your husband. How long have you been together?” Leah responses.
“We got together first in 2019, been a little off and on. But majority of that time we’ve been together. We got married in 2021.” Ben tells her.

They continue talking about Callum, before getting on to Lexi and the most important person in his life. Touching a little on each person about how good of a relationship Ben has with each person. Leah can tell so much from how Ben talks about each person. After dropping ben off to Liv, she goes back to her office to write up the notes of the session.

Chapter Text

Liv dropped him back to the flat, reminding him that she would be in later to see him and give him his tablets. Ben thanked her for taking him and agreed that he would see her later. He knew that Callum was off today, so wanted to spend the rest of the day with him.

However, entering the flat he noticed the boxes and packages covering the hallway. Even spilling into the kitchen. He checked for Callum in the kitchen and lounge, but did notice the airbeds thrown against the sofa. When he goes towards the bedroom, it doesn’t take long for him to find Callum with sliver metal poles and screws all over the bedroom floor. Looked at an instruction booklet like it was the devil.

“You never did do DIY did ya.” Ben smiles from the doorway. When Callum looks up at him, he can see the tears stains down his face.
“Baby, hey I’m joking.” Ben says softly, instantly going towards him. Having to keep a distance but leaning over to wipe the tears away from Callum’s face with his fingers.
“I’m okay.” Callum says.
“You’re not. Talk to me baby. You’re not just crying over building some furniture, even though I don’t have a clue what all those boxes are.” Ben pushes.
“It was met to be finished by the time you got back. Ready for you to relax after therapy. But the delivery was late and then I’m just a shit bloke that I can’t build a stupid bed.” Callum states.
“Hey enough of that, what made you order things for in here.” Ben questions.
“I spoke to liv when you were asleep the other night. She told me a few things I need to be doing better at. Made me realise that you don’t eat and barely drink when I’m not here. I need to get your calories up, be better with what I make you, try harder. The shit environment I leave you in everyday.” Callum replies.
“Baby, stop talking like it’s your job to do everything. I’m sure Liv didn’t mean it in the way you’re took it but your stressed and worried. How you paid for all this? Because I know we don’t have a lot of money at the moment.” Ben tries.
“Credit card. We can’t sleep on the airbed anymore Ben. i brought everything I could think of to make it a nice environment for you. Even got two small double beds for us.” Callum explains.
“Why two small doubles and not one big bed.” Ben questions.
“You’re struggling with it, sharing a bed with me. You wake panicking most nights, but if I try sleeping on the sofa you panic that I’m gone. I thought having smaller but two beds, we can keep them either side of the room. Then I’m still close to you, but you have the space you need. As you get better, we could push them together to get used to me sleeping closer to you.” Callum tells him.
“Thank you. Now go make me a coffee, before you go to the chippy and get me some chips with lots of salt and vinegar. I’ll start building this.” Ben replies.
“I love you.” Callum says.

Chapter Text

Ben had build the first bed, by the time Callum was back. Loaded with a bag from the chippy and two bags from the minute mart. Giving Ben his chips, a curry sauce and the extra battered sausage he’d picked up for him. Before getting his own out. He emptied the other bags onto the floor, drinks, sweets, crisps, chocolates and snacks. All of Ben’s favourites.

“This you trying to get me to eat.” Ben states.
“Thought you may want some bits to pick at while you did the building” Callum replies.
“Nothing to do with this conversation with Liv then, and you telling yourself you’re a shit husband. When your nothing of the sort.” Ben states.
“Work put me on desk duty, I wouldn’t take leave. The stress of everything, worrying when I’m at work. That’s what I haven’t told you.” Callum admits.
“Why didn’t they take leave when they said? Don’t lie to me Callum.” Ben warns.
“Because you need space from me. I can’t risk overwhelming you and you running. I can’t be away from you again, I haven’t been there to support you already.” Callum says.
“Baby” Ben breathes, dropping the piece in his hand and going to Callum. kneeling in front of where Callum was sitting against the wall, holding his face in his arms.
“I’m here, maybe more physically, then any other way, but I will find my way back to you. Completely yours. Baby, since you took me back, I’m not drinking, drugs nothing. I’m eating more than I was and I’m getting help. That’s all you, so don’t ever tell me that you don’t be enough for me. Do you feel you need to be here with me for a little while?” Ben asks him.
“It wasn’t me that went through it.” Callum says.
“Not physically, but you watch me relive it every night. You see the effects it had on me, you hear me say I’m struggling to keep fighting for you, for Lexi.” Ben starts getting emotional.
“I know you hate that I’m struggling with you touching me. Your love has always been through your actions, your touch, your cooking. If you need to be here with me, be here with me. I promise I will try and voice how I am feeling better. Baby, you just being in the flat calms me. Take a couple of weeks if that what you need, a break from everything. If you need me to go to mums, we can do that too. Baby, if you don’t look after yourself, I wont survive without you.” Ben admits.
“Don’t you even think about it. I want to be with you, I need to know that you’re safe. I don’t care what I do, as long as I’m with you.” Callum told him.
“I can’t eat in big portions. Little portions helps me keep it down. I don’t want to eat loads of crap. I liked the smoothies, it was easier to sip.” Ben tells him.
“We can do that. You gonna try and eat some chips before they go cold.” Callum smiles sadly.
“Depends can I try and get some while I’m sat in-between though long legs of yours. I can’t deal with you holding me, I don’t want to feel trapped, I can’t feel trapped. But I promise I will lend against you as long as I can, you can touch me just not arms around me.” Ben smiles sadly.
“Please” Callum whispers so quietly ben can only read his lips.

So that’s how they sit for a little while, chips picked at. Ben leans up once and Callum prepares himself for Ben to move away but he grabs the small pack of Coca Cola and leaned back against him as he pulls one out and opens it.
“Is there any you do fancy to eat or drink? Apart from my smoothies. Anything that will make it easier for you?” Callum asks.
“I don’t know. When your home and put things in front of me. I know it’s there, like your little reminders and encouragements.” Ben explains.
“What do you think about types? Salads, pastas, fruits, flavours, spice.” Callum gives him some options.
“None Spice. It isn’t just keeping food now thats the problem. I have flashbacks and panic attacks when I.” Ben states before he changes his mind.
“Thank you for telling me. Have you spoken to Liv about it?” Callum pushes carefully.
“Not yet. I will before you ask. Let finishes these bed frame, so the mattresses can settle. Had the airbeds in the living room for tonight.” Ben says, getting up to start the bed frame again.
“ Oh and suprised me with the food. Little portions and no spice is all I ask, everything else is up to you.” Ben smirks.

Chapter Text

They were just unpacking the second mattress when the doorbell sounds to the flat door. Callum goes to answer it as he knows it will be Liv and he’d be quicker than Ben to the door. Ben losing his enegry fast after having such a busy day. Callum comes back into the room with Liv, As Ben found himself sitting against the wall.

“Cal, go try and ring your boss.” Ben tells him. When Callum hesists.
“Please. I’ll be out in a minute. We can put one of your movie on when the air beds are done.” Ben pushes. Callum nods, leaving the room.
“Next time you try giving my husband ideas, can you at least give me the heads up. He felt like he isn’t good enough and it’s always been and always will be the other way around.” Ben states.
“That wasn’t my meaning.” Liv starts.
“I know it wasn’t. He’s finally admitted he’s struggling and I can’t be what he needs right now. Not when I’m fighting still everyday to still be with them.” Ben says.
“You ask him to phone his boss.” Liv pushes.
“Yes he told me.” Ben laughs.
“Letting him be with me is the one thing I can do right now to support him. Then I can do that. He brought two bloody beds Liv, so he can sleep in the same room without overwhelming me.” Ben says.
“How are you feeling about that?” Liv asks.
“Scared. It feels like it’s going to be like this forever. I loved being in bed with my husband it was my favourite place to be. I don’t want him to take that from me or Callum.” Ben replies.
“He won’t Ben. Start with this, getting used to being in the same space as Callum. Focus on that, then we can move on the next stage. Take things one step at a time.” Liv says.
“I spoke to Cal about the barriers for my eating. He wants me to tell you but I’m not ready to discuss it like that. Can you get the reasons from him for me for now. So you can help him, help me. Today’s been a lot.” Ben says emotionally.
“Do you want your tablets then I’ll go speak to Callum before I go. So you can have a minute to yourself.” Liv asks, ben nods.

When Ben does come out of their bedroom, Callum’s waiting for him. Dressed in just his t-shirt and boxers, laying on top the covers. Airbeds set up infront of the tv, tv passed with one of his favourite movies on them, subtitles on. A Bottle of smoothie set beside ‘bens’ side of the airbed. Ben settles down, take out his implant as Callum presses play without saying a word.

When morning broke, Callum had been up with Ben in the night six times. But he didn’t complain one, each time placed a tea next to Ben and made sure the tele was playing in the background, giving Ben something else to focus on. Callum woke up first, he popped out the front when his phone was ringing his inspector calling him back from last night. He was pleased when his inspector cleared two weeks leave for him right away. Ben was awake when he got back inside, worried where he had gone. Callum started by running him a bath, Ben sweaty from a night of nightmares. Keeping it full of bubbles, so Ben would feel more comfortable with Callum going in. Callum bringing the rest of his smoothie from last night.

He made him a coffee as Ben dressed. Ben was keen to get on with the bedroom and Callum was pleased to see him moving and doing something. He did noticed that Ben hadn’t put his implant in this morning. Callum wasn’t going to question it, Ben was signing to him, so he was still communicating. Callum signed and translated when Liv arrived too. Ben built the small bedside caidents that Callum had ordered. Three in total. They placed one in the middle of the beds and then one each on the other side of the beds. While Ben moved on the chest of drawers which would line the wall opposite the beds. Callum set up the beds with all the bedding, set up their chargers and lamps. Ben put the blind up for him on the window, helped him set up the curtains. Callum did the tv, while Ben sorted out the decor items and putting the mirror and pictures up with command strips.

Callum wasn’t susprised when Ben climbed into his bed, when it was finished. Had a nap, after a couple of busy days. Callum laying on his own bed, watching some old football game.