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2022-08-18
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I think it’s time we blow this scene

Summary:

“Anakin, could you please remember that the Chancellor is in the vehicle,” Obi-Wan requests with only very mild stress in his voice, gripping the side of said vehicle with white knuckles.

Notes:

Written for beckyh2112, who wanted fic based on the very important canon that apparently Palpatine was a racer in his youth.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Work Text:

“Anakin, could you please remember that the Chancellor is in the vehicle,” Obi-Wan requests with only very mild stress in his voice, gripping the side of said vehicle with white knuckles.

“I mean . . . yes?” Anakin says, clearly not understanding his point. “He’s in the passenger seat, I didn’t forget. Oh, hey, duck.”

“Ah!” Ahsoka blurts from the other side of the backseat, clinging to Obi-Wan. The speeder takes a very sharp turn around a slightly less sharp corner, and Obi-Wan inhales through his teeth.

“Anakin,” he stresses.

“What?!” Anakin protests. In his defense, they are currently fleeing for their lives. Less in his defense, that last turn nearly killed them all anyway.

“You’re doing fine, my boy,” Palpatine says with a truly unfounded patience that Obi-Wan cannot even pretend to be emulating.

“Look out!” Ahsoka yelps in alarm.

“Got it, Snips,” Anakin says easily, and then they fall into a barrel roll. Ahsoka yelps again and barely stays in the speeder. Obi-Wan deeply, deeply empathizes with the sound.

“That wasn’t getting it, Skyguy!” Ahsoka half-screeches. Anakin glances back at her, looking genuinely puzzled by the response. Again in his defense, they’re not dead. Again not in his defense, that move could’ve killed them all and destabilized the entire Senate.

“It really was not, no,” Obi-Wan agrees.

“I believe we have company, gentlemen,” Palpatine observes, pointing at the airway ahead as a pair of souped-up speeders barrel straight towards them at full speed.

“Oh, hey, look at those mods!” Anakin says, looking fascinated, and Obi-Wan sighs.

“Anakin,” he says. “Please actually do something.”

The passengers in the approaching speeders pull out blasters. Obi-Wan curses under his breath.

“Doing something, Master,” Anakin says breezily, then gets right out of his damn seat and steps over the windshield and onto the hood of the speeder, lightsaber in hand. “Can you drive for a minute, Chancellor?”

“I suppose,” Palpatine says while Obi-Wan is busy choking on how dead they are. Anakin flicks on his lightsaber just in time to knock back a few blaster bolts, Palpatine puts a hand on the wheel, and more of those souped-up speeders come screeching up behind them with obvious intent. Ahsoka manages to deflect a bolt from going through the back of the Chancellor’s head via a desperate lunge with her shoto, and Obi-Wan just sighs and flicks his hair back off his face, then stands up and draws his own lightsaber.

“We’re having a talk about this later, Anakin,” he warns. Anakin makes a face. “Supreme Chancellor, if you can just keep us going straight for a moment—”

“Seems unlikely we’ll lose them that way, Master Kenobi,” Palpatine says reasonably, and then with absolutely no warning whatsoever settles into the driver’s seat and drops the speeder into another careening barrel roll. Ahsoka screams. Obi-Wan barely keeps them both from falling out of the backseat, and genuinely has no idea how Anakin doesn’t fall off the hood.

Oh, wait, no: he does.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan shouts, and Palpatine twists the wheel sharply and the speeder dives straight down underneath the free-falling Anakin. Ahsoka clings to the back of the driver’s seat, and Obi-Wan knocks back a few more blaster bolts one-handed. Anakin drops into the passenger’s seat neat as a pin with a mildly surprised noise.

“All right, my boy?” Palpatine asks.

“Do it again,” Anakin says immediately.

“Well, if you insist,” Palpatine says.

“Do not—” is the most Obi-Wan gets out before Palpatine spins the wheel. Ahsoka screams.

It’s a very eventful ride. It was already a very eventful ride, but apparently the Supreme Chancellor drives like a maniac, which is not something Obi-Wan previously knew about the man. He supposes the other doesn’t have much reason to end up behind a wheel all that often, but . . .

“Look out!” Ahsoka says.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Palpatine says, and they crash straight through a billboard. Ahsoka screams again. Obi-Wan considers doing the same thing.

“I think they’re still following us,” Anakin says, craning his neck to peer back behind them. Obi-Wan wonders if he could, perhaps, just . . . get out of the speeder. Yes, they’re having a high-speed chase, but it seems like jumping out might genuinely be the safer course of action just now.

“Oh, not for long, my boy,” Palpatine says easily, and the speeder tears around another corner and narrowly squeezes between two very, very close buildings. Obi-Wan feels nauseous. He lives an unnecessarily exciting life, to be honest, and this is too exciting.

“This is going to end poorly,” he says.

“I was a racer in my youth,” Palpatine says gamely. “Speeders haven’t changed that much.”

“. . . are you certain?” Obi-Wan can’t help but ask, and Palpatine laughs.

“Oh, Anakin, what does this button do, exactly?”

“Uh, you probably shouldn’t–” Anakin starts, and Palpatine hits it before he even finishes the sentence.

Kriff.

The speeder’s engine flares into overdrive, and Obi-Wan is genuinely surprised that the thing is actually capable of going faster. Ahsoka clings to him again. He keeps an eye out for stray blaster bolts and a hand on the back of Anakin’s seat.

“Wow,” Anakin says, sounding impressed.

Obi-Wan despises this situation.

“Hold tight,” Palpatine advises before sending them into another spinning roll. Ahsoka has a death grip on Obi-Wan, who does not feel secure in his seat. He hears the whine of blaster bolts and the scream of other engines, and exhales slowly, pulling himself together. It’s fine. This is fine. The Supreme Chancellor . . . might know what he’s doing, at least.

Maybe.

“I love this,” Anakin says delightedly, and Palpatine gives an indulgent chuckle.

Obi-Wan really would rather jump out of the speeder at this point. Ideally immediately.

“Can we go faster?” Anakin asks hopefully.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan says.

“Certainly,” Palpatine says.

They go faster. Obi-Wan knocks aside a few more blaster bolts with a curse.

“Supreme Chancellor, please be careful,” he says. “And Anakin, I swear–”

“I’m not driving!” Anakin protests, holding up his hands.

“You’re not helping either!” Obi-Wan says in exasperation.

“They’re catching up!” Ahsoka cries.

“. . . I really want a look at those mods,” Anakin says, twisting in his seat to peer back at the approaching speeders.

“After we don’t die, perhaps,” Obi-Wan says, gritting his teeth.

“Oh, don’t worry, Master Kenobi, everything’s fine,” Palpatine says reassuringly, patting the steering wheel. Obi-Wan does not feel reassured. “Honestly, this is a bit invigorating. Makes a man feel young again.”

“It’s great, right?” Anakin says with a laugh, grinning over at him.

“It is not,” Ahsoka stresses.

“It is definitely not,” Obi-Wan says, and then the speeders pull up on either side of them, blasters drawn. He curses. Ahsoka grips her lightsaber.

“Whoops,” Anakin says, flicking his own lightsaber back on as he stands up in his seat.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Obi-Wan says.

“Gotcha,” Anakin says, then leaps into the nearest speeder and starts slashing.

“ANAKIN!”

The other speeder fires at them. Ahsoka beats back the blaster bolts, and Obi-Wan jumps to his feet.

“Brace yourselves, please,” Palpatine says, then calls, “Anakin!”

“Yup!” Anakin leaps back into the speeder just as Palpatine hits the brakes and the other two speeders screech ahead and smash into buildings. Obi-Wan nearly goes through the windshield. They drop, and Palpatine spins the speeder and takes off the wrong way down a very, very crowded street. Anakin laughs gleefully, and Ahsoka slumps over in her seat with a pained groan.

Obi-Wan is developing a migraine, he thinks.

“Anakin,” he says. “Please take the wheel again.”

“Do I have to?” Anakin says, sounding disappointed. It is the only time in either of their lives that this conversation has happened, Obi-Wan is certain.

“I would appreciate it greatly if you would, please,” he says as calmly as he’s able.

“Well, if it makes you more comfortable, of course,” Palpatine says, smiling at him in the mirror. Obi-Wan just rubs at his throbbing temples.

“Um,” Ahsoka says, sounding mildly panicked, and Obi-Wan dreads.

“Uh-oh,” Anakin says, which brings up much worse feelings than dread. Obi-Wan lifts his head. There are more modded speeders hovering at the end of the street, directly in front of them.

He curses, and Palpatine smiles.

“Perhaps we’ll wait just a moment to switch drivers, then,” he says, and hits the overdrive button again.

Notes:

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