Chapter Text
The line went dead as San sunk into the couch. The energy of the room rang around him. An echoing in his ears like a heartbeat that felt too much. The space that Hongjoong's voice had filled a second ago was now filled with a buzzing silence that itched his brain.
San grabbed one of the plush couch cushions beside him and sighed. He felt empty. He had nothing to do but wait, and he refused to let his brain think until Seonghwa got back to the dorm. He was sure he wouldn't purge again. But he was often sure of many things until he wasn’t.
Sometimes, he couldn't trust himself, and that scared him more than he cared to admit.
As long as he didn’t think, he’d be fine.
His phone buzzed next to him and he patted around for it before raising it eye level. He didn’t feel like moving more than necessary, afraid to break the still balance he had found. It was a text from Hongjoong. Seonghwa would be back to the dorm in fifteen minutes.
San considered getting up to pace, but legs can bring him places staying seated on the couch can’t. Instead, he let his eyes fall closed. He counted his breaths and fell into a limbo of calm and nerves, trying to ignore the ball of thoughts which crawled in his mind, afraid they’d bubble over and startle the fragile peace he tried to make a reality. But eventually, everything began to drift away as he was lulled to sleep.
San awoke when the couch cushion next to him dipped and gentle fingers began to run through his hair. He wasn’t sure if he even fell asleep in the first place, but he leaned into the touch, allowing himself to settle onto Seonghwa’s shoulder.
“How are you Sannie?”
San only shrugged, trying to burrow further into Seonghwa, a vain attempt at escape.
“We don’t have to talk about anything but… do you want to tell me what’s up?” Guilt tugged at San. Seonghwa was in the dark, probably just told to come home because something was wrong with San of which he knew nothing of.
“I think I’m stressing Hongjoong hyung out,” San mumbled. San wanted to say that he thought he was bothering Hongjoong, but he knew Seonghwa wouldn't humor him with that.
“I think we all stress him out. But… are you ok San? I'm worried about you.”
Although San’s eyes were already closed he squeezed them shut tighter. “No? I don’t think I am ok. I - I feel ok, at least most of the time, but I keep doing things,” a small laugh fell out of his mouth despite the seriousness of the situation. “That makes it seem like… maybe I’m not ok. At least not always.”
“Sannie.” Seonghwa sighed and continued to stroke his hair. “I’m sorry you’re going through something. You don’t have to tell me what’s going on. I know that Hongjoong already knows, but you can talk to me if you need to. I’m here.”
San nodded into his shoulder. “Part of me was debating whether or not I should act normal when you came back to the dorm. But then I fell asleep.”
“I’m glad you didn’t San, you don’t have to be strong all the time.”
“Thanks,” San whispered. “I like being strong for the group, I don’t want people to worry about me… but I guess it’s ok if you do.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
San shrugged, “I think I’d feel stupid if I did. Everyone has their own problems, and I know that, but I feel like mine are fake. I don’t feel this way all the time and the times when I don’t make me forget that this happens and then I’m convinced that it’s all fake, just something I decided to do. Right now it doesn’t feel like it, but all other times it does.”
“I’d never think your problems sound stupid.”
“I guess I can tell you.” Maybe that would spur him into actually saying something. He just needed momentum and to stop thinking.
“Only if you want to Sannie. I won’t judge you.”
San brought a hand up to shield his face. “Sometimes… I make myself throw up.” The words left him easier than he thought they would, but he was detached from the situation. The post purged fog and a burning in his throat distracting him from whatever emotions he might or might not have been feeling. Maybe he was just empty and felt nothing. “Hongjoong caught me a few months ago,” San continued. “I… I thought I had it under control but, I don’t know.”
“But hyung, before you freak out or something, just know it’s not serious.” San knew in some ways and a lot of ways it was serious, but he couldn’t help but try and dampen the blow. Besides, it still didn’t feel particularly serious to San, not when there were people who purged more than him more often than him. “It’s embarrassing even saying this.”
“San-”
“Hyung, I don’t do it often, and I hadn't done it in a long while until today. I’m seriously fine just until I’m not anymore.” He inspected a frayed end on his sleeve. “I just don’t want you to worry.”
“Sannie, I worry about all of you.”
“I know.” Seonghwa was caring, he couldn't help it. “I just don’t want you to think of it in a way it's not. I don’t want to lose weight or anything, I just… feel wrong sometimes. It makes me feel foggy, in a good way. It’s like focusing on food”
“Your problems are serious, no matter how big or small, ok?” San nodded.
“I regret it every time you know. It’s like each time I forget that I don’t like it before I do it. I promise myself I’ll stop, because I know it’s bad, but I don’t.” San shrugged.
“That sounds really hard San.” San shrugged again.
“Ok, we can talk more when Hongjoong gets back” Seonghwa ruffled San’s hair.
“Do we really have to talk more?”
Seoghwa nodded, slowly standing up from the couch. “Do you want some water San.”
“Yes hyung.”
Seonghwa went about the kitchen, taking his time filling up two glasses of water before heading back to the couch.
“How about we watch something?”
“I was watching Demon Slayer before.”
“Wanna keep watching that?”
“Sure.”
So the two of them settled down, a weight was off San’s chest as he and Seonghwa cuddled up together. The uncomfortable cramping in his stomach was drowned out by the warmth of Seonghwa’s arms and he could finally ignore the feeling of food trying to crawl back up his throat every time he burped.
Eventually, San was lulled to sleep again, this time he didn’t have to fight for the calm.
The second time San woke up this day it was by Hongjoong shaking both him and Seonghwa awake.
“Hongjoong hyung?”
“Hey Sannie.”
Seonghwa stretched awake next to him.
“It’s time to talk,” Hongjoong said. “We have maybe an hour till everyone else is off their schedules.”
San sighed. It felt like the first time Hongjoong had caught him all over again, except this time it was San telling Hongjoong which led to this conversation. He didn’t know how to feel about it. Sometimes saw purging as a time for himself. So many people knew what seemed like every aspect of his life.
Not just him sharing parts of his life with fans, as that was a deliberate selection of things. It was more so people in general and even the other members. They were always around each other, they talked with each other and knew each other's habits and hobbies. Sometimes at night San and Yunho would talk about deeper things, and San loved these moments, getting to open up to someone and share who he was.
But because San gave all those sides of himself up, part of him was angry that he had to also share the side of him that purged. He knew it was dumb, but sometimes it felt like the only thing that was his and his alone. Now he had to give it away, first to Hongjoong and now to Seonghwa. His one personal secret, the one thing he kept for himself. It was precious in a weird way. Stressful and overwhelming at times, but also fully his. But now that two other people knew about it, it felt like there wasn’t a single thing he had left to keep for himself, and that was scary.
The control gained from worrying about food and fullness and purging was no longer a wall of protection, it was a problem that he had to try and fix. Something he wasn’t sure he could fix on his own anymore.
Before, he was fixing things in a carefully curated manner, like a game made for himself to mess himself up. A game of choice. He got to choose what he did or didn’t keep, just not what he ate in the first place. What came back up and what stayed down. Now he had to rewind his brain and stop things he thought were normal, stop his own unhealthy ways of coping, stop the one thing that made him feel like he might be doing something right.
It was simple when he purged, but maybe it wasn’t supposed to be simple. When he ate too much or the wrong thing, that was him messing up, and when he purged, that was him fixing it. Now he had to stop doing the one thing that let him fix his mistakes. San wasn't sure he could stop either thing.
It made sense in theory, eat what you’re supposed to and don’t worry about eating more. Most importantly don’t purge. But Hongjoong and Seonghwa didn’t live in San’s brain. San sometimes, most of the time, didn’t understand why he did it until he was doing it and it felt like there was no other option. That he would be overwhelmed with anxiety and failure if he didn't just throw up his mistakes.
“Does Seonghwa know?” Hongjoong asked. His question was answered with a small nod.
“Sannie, I know it’s hard, and I know you’re trying.” Hongjoong sat down next to them. “But I really do think you should talk to someone professional-”
“But-” San tried to cut him off.
“This doesn’t mean you’ve failed or messed up San. I promise, I’m not disappointed in you. And you don’t have to do it now, but I want you to have a support system and be able to understand yourself. I don’t know if I’m enough and I don’t want to lead you in the wrong way.” It was all so overwhelming. “I don’t want to mess up or let it go too far. As your leader, and someone who cares about you, I don’t want something to spiral when we have the chance to stop it”
“I-I understand.” San wasn’t sure he understood, he felt like a failure, he felt stupid for ever bothering Hongjoong or Seonghwa with something as insignificant as his little problem. He was so sure he would be fine as long as he didn’t purge too often, something he may have only come close to a few times before on particularly hard weeks. He could deal with the mental and physical distress of purging, but he couldn't deal with Hongjoong and Seonghwa worrying. “I’ll try.”
“You will?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry for everything.” San covered his eyes, afraid he might start crying. His nerves were shot and nothing was out of the question at this point.
“Sannie, don’t apologise,” Seonghwa sighed, rubbing small circles onto San’s back.
“I just feel so dumb because I haven’t gone as far as some people have. Like it's not serious enough to talk to a professional about.”
“It’s never too early or too late to face something like this.”
San nodded his head, he could feel the sting of tears threatening to fall. “Okay.”
“Thank you for letting us help you Sannie,” Hongjoong said.
“Thank you for making me feel like I’m not just making it all up-” San’s voice cracked and the sentence broke off.
“You’re not San.” Hongjoong wrapped San up in his arms, finally allowing him to collapse and be enveloped.
“I know hyung. I know that now,” San mumbled into the fabric of Hongjoongs worn hoodie. “I’m sorry I messed up again. I don’t know why I did that.”
“It’s mental health San, it doesn’t always have to make sense to hurt us.”
San just nodded into his shoulder, too worn out to disagree. When Hongjoong speaks everything seems certain. Like he knows what is true and what is right, like nothing could challenge his words. It’s in the moments San’s alone that the world starts to crumble. The demons that lurk in seemingly safe places come out to play in the most unsuspicious way. They seem friendly when they tell him stories of beautiful lies. Why San listens to them he’ll never know. They don’t seem threatening when they approach, only like they have insight to share. He’ll have to learn to cut them out. Not everyone is as wise as Hongjoong.
It’s time he tried something new.