Chapter Text
Hyunjin struggles to sit still in the car, he’s so nervous. He’s been planning this for weeks, but he still doesn’t feel ready. Being in a studio, on a shoot, and being the only performer is a lot of pressure for his first time back. But for some reason he thought that it was a good idea, doing the thing he loves, alone, to ease himself back into it. It feels more like he’s diving headfirst into the deep end.
Two weeks ago to the day, he realized that he is so sick that he was hallucinating the star on his ceiling. He still sees it at the dorm, in both his and Felix’s room, but it only happens when he’s dissociating, and maybe it always did. Two weeks means that he’s had thirteen days to prepare for this shoot. The very next day he decided that he was done waiting for things to fix themselves, and he started working for it.
Not only does he feel better because his medication is starting to work, but he is trying to have a more positive mindset, one that hasn’t decided that life sucks and everything is against him. And that’s where the idea for this video was born. As a way to get back to what he loves while still limiting what he does with his members. He’s mostly done behind the scenes things until now, writing, recording, shooting, practicing.
So, people haven’t really seen him yet even though he’s officially back. All they’ve seen are the photos of him and Felix kissing in that alley. And this video will be his official comeback to the group. After this, he’s trying to resume all activities, but they are all prepared for him not to be able to do everything because it hasn’t been that long since he started treatment. Five weeks isn’t that long compared to how long he has to go, but it’s enough to feel a difference.
He should’ve expected to be a wreck with nerves, but he didn’t think about that, he was so focused on perfecting his choreography and working out every little detail of the concept. But now that it’s here, he’s seconds away from telling his dad to turn the car around and take them home. There is no way that Hyunjin can do this, something will go wrong, and there’s a whole list of possible things to pick from.
“It’s weird to see you with stage fright.” Felix says, breaking the silence and making Hyunjin realize that he’s ben staring a hole into the floor while thinking. His leg is almost numb from tapping his foot for so long. Irrational anger rises in Hyunjin’s chest, simply because he doesn’t get stage fright. He knows it’s stupid, but that’s just a part of his mental illness. He has no control over his emotions.
“I don’t get stage fright.” Hyunjin mumbles, trying to breathe and let go of the anger before it causes him to hurt Felix when he did nothing to deserve it. Knowing that the emotions are irrational does not mean that he has control over them, far from. It just means that he’s aware that he’s lashing out without reason. But he’s working on it with Dr. Beon twice a week, and on his own the rest of the time.
“I know.” Felix says softly, able to diffuse Hyunjin’s anger a lot easier than he can do for himself, that goes for all of his mood swings really. He didn’t even realize until Dr. Beon pointed it out that he has mood swings that take him from neutral to sobbing or lashing out in anger or having a flashback or an anxiety attack in seconds, and he has no control over it.
If he didn’t love Felix for all he put up with before, he definitely does now that he understands how much he’s putting up with. It should be too much for someone to excuse, but Felix doesn’t excuse it, he understands it. He knows that this isn’t Hyunjin, and according to him they still have a two-way, healthy relationship. Hyunjin just can’t see that because he only sees what he does wrong.
“What if I have a flashback?” Hyunjin whispers, starting to get used to being honest with Felix again. Once Felix realized that Hyunjin was hiding things from him because it’s a trauma response to what he went through, he forgave him for all of it, no questions asked. But Hyunjin still feels like he needs to work to earn his trust back, he can’t accept that it’s that easy for Felix to let it go.
“Then I’ll do what I always do, talk to you, and make sure you know that you’re safe. And I’ll take you somewhere more private if you want. If we can’t stop it, we’ll talk about it after if you need to, and I’ll help you feel better before going back. And no one needs to know what happened.” Felix says, making it sound so simple, and Hyunjin melts a little at how well he already knows what to do when he has a flashback or feels one coming on.
“What if it triggers a seizure?” Hyunjin asks then, even though that doesn’t happen that often anymore since Felix learned what to do. He’ll ground Hyunjin, remind him where and when he is, and try to ease his anxiety. Sometimes it even stops the flashback, just like he accidentally started doing a while back. But Felix is prepared for this better than any other scenario that could play out today.
“Then we handle the seizure just like every other time it’s happened during filming. I take you out of there if I can, and I take care of you, and then you can have a nap before continuing, and if any of it was caught on video, it won’t be released.” The whole group has had this plan down since their debut, and it has never been an issue. If he has a nap after, he can pull through for the rest of the shoot.
“What if I have an anxiety attack?” Hyunjin says, not ready to let go until he’s run through his list of likely complications. This one might be the most likely considering the fact that he’ll be a studio full of people who are focused on him in one way or another. He didn’t have anxiety attacks that often during his hiatus, but then he started leaving the house for work again and now they are almost daily.
“Then I’ll remind you to breathe and help you calm down. I can also take you out of the room of that happens.” Hyunjin loves that Felix is so prepared for all of this, like he has gone through the scenarios too and thought of how to help him, or maybe he just knows Hyunjin and all of his complications that well. “If you want, we can find a spot to go to if any of this happens before you do anything else. We’ll find a corner hidden away if that’s all there is.”
“Yeah.” Hyunjin says with a nod, the suggestion is reassuring, he feels himself relax at the thought of having a specific place to go. That way, he can get himself there if whatever comes up gives him the desperate urge to get away. That only leaves one issue, the one he’s possibly the most concerned about.
“What if I dissociate?” He asks, because this isn’t a momentary thing, some sort of attack that passes quickly. Dissociation can last for hours, and it’ll completely mess up his ability to perform. He doesn’t know how to get himself out of an episode yet. Dr. Beon says that there are techniques, he just has to figure out what works for him, and nothing has worked this far.
“Then I take you to the bathroom and-” Felix starts, and Hyunjin’s heart skips a bear as he lunges forward to press a hand into Felix’s mouth, effectively muffling his next words. Felix might just be messing with him, but it is very possible that he forgot about Hyunjin’s father driving them. The look in Felix’s eyes when he looks toward the driver’s seat tells Hyunjin that he did in fact forget, and Hyunjin stopped a mortifying slip-up.
“Appa is here, you…” Hyunjin whispers, he can’t even call him anything, he’s suddenly laughing too hard to think. His father is driving them even though they easily could’ve gotten a company car, but he offered and Hyunjin accepted. He has a lot of time of being an absent father to make up for, and Hyunjin wants him to make up for it, he wants to have a good relationship to his father.
Felix grabs Hyunjin’s hand, pulling it away from his mouth and leaning in to whisper in his ear. “Remind you that you have a body.” Felix says, and Hyunjin just starts laughing again because both of them know that it doesn’t work like that. They already tried that, didn’t really work out, but it was worth a try just in case.
“You’ll be okay.” Felix says when Hyunjin has calmed down. He’s smiling softly, like when he catches Hyunjin in a good mood, looking normal, and he feels pretty normal too in this moment. Catching himself in a moment like this would’ve made him cry a few weeks ago, but now it reminds him that he will have this as his normal again. That reminder is what gets him through the hard days, which is every day.
“If you could get through Kingdom, I can get through this.” Hyunjin says absentmindedly, not even realizing that Felix doesn’t know that he watched parts of it until Felix looks at him in confusion. “What? You think I didn’t watch your performance?” Hyunjin adds, seeing another soft smile spread on Felix’s face as he realizes what Hyunjin’s words mean.
“I didn’t think you watched any of them.” Felix says, looking like a melted puddle of himself. Hyunjin blushes at the reaction, he didn’t think that it was such a big deal, he just forgot to mention that he was watching them. Well, that isn’t entirely true, he hid it at first for some unknown reason, but then it just never came up because Kingdom was over. And Felix never brought it up either, probably because of Hyunjin’s reaction when they won.
“I watched all of them. I’m probably half the views on your fancams.” Hyunjin says, making sure that Felix knows. “I am so amazed at your performances. There’s a new sharpness to the way you dance, it’s incredible to watch.” He adds, having thought of this for months at this point, and enjoying the blush cheeping into Felix’s cheeks at his words.
The universe has the worst timing, so just then, they pull up in front of the studio. Hyunjin’s nerves spike again, like lightning going off in all directions under his skin. His palms are sweaty, and he had to focus not to break out in chills. It feels impossible to leave the car with this feeling holding him back. He should cancel, go back home and cry in disappointment that he couldn’t do it. That sounds much better than going in there.
According to Dr. Beon he has more anxiety now because he’s starting to feel better, so he has more energy to panic. It’s stupid if you ask him, mostly because he should be feeling better when he’s better, not paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of leaving the dorm or having anything to do with anyone outside of his members.
Felix does what he always does when Hyunjin panics, cupping Hyunjin’s face with his small hands and smiling reassuringly. “Breathe.” He simply says, and Hyunjin does, closing his eyes to focus on filling his chest with air. He’s becoming a master at breathing techniques already; they help him so much more than he ever thought was possible.
When their eyes meet again, Hyunjin nods, he can do this.
. . .
Felix just watches from the sidelines while Hyunjin shoots the first part of the choreography over and over a few times, looking so proud that Hyunjin pretty much has a constant blush. It doesn’t take as many takes as Hyunjin expected to get the first part down, he doesn’t seem to be as rusty as he feared. For the final video, it’ll look like it’s all one take, but his hair and clothes change slightly for the different parts.
It’s surprisingly easy to get back into the rhythm of shooting. He interacts with the crew like he normally would, forgetting about his anxiety, and feeling comfortable in front of the camera. Maybe I’s because he has Felix’s reassuring presence following his every move like his shadow, or maybe he’s just comfortable in this situation. He has something concrete to focus on, the video, and that is everyone else’s focus as well.
There’s something with dancing that puts him at ease. He’s easily found his way back to it while practicing for this shoot in the last couple of weeks. While he dances, he feels like he’s dissociating, but in a good way. His mind empties, and his body moves on auto-pilot, it’s like meditating, that’s a better word for it.
They move on to the next part of the choreography, and it doesn’t matter when he makes mistakes, especially not when it’s because Felix is looking at him with a lovesick look on his face. He’s just in the flow of things, even enjoying it in a way he hasn’t enjoyed anything in too long. He gets it down within a few shots again, happy with the last cut when he monitors it.
Going straight to the stylist, he gets ready for the next shot, which is basically just touching up his hair and makeup, unbuttoning his shirt and adding a fake bellybutton piercing. He’s about to get ready for the next shot when Felix comes up to where they are, having gotten up from his spot on the floor for the first time since they started filming.
“You look so good.” Felix says, carefully stroking Hyunjin’s cheek in an attempt at not messing up his look. He has that same look of pride he’s had since they arrived, and something akin to disbelief, and Hyunjin shares that feeling. He didn’t expect this to be so easy, he expected it to be a fight that felt impossible along the way, but it’s easy.
“You didn’t come over just to tell me that.” Hyunjin points out, seeing that there’s something Felix is hesitating with telling him. Felix shakes his head, taking Hyunjin’s hands in his own and stroking his thumbs over the palms. It sets Hyunjin’s nerves on fire, especially with the growing anxiety from all the thoughts of what Felix could need to talk about.
“Chan hyung just called.” Felix starts off, eyes flickering back and forth on Hyunjin’s face like he’s analyzing any reaction there. Hyunjin tries to tell himself that it was just Chan calling, it can’t be that bad. But poor Chan is always the bearer of bad news. “You know how he said that he was going to talk to our managers about Minhee?” Felix continues and Hyunjin nods, Chan had a meeting today to pressure them about taking the situation seriously.
She broke the law, and it doesn’t matter what Hyunjin did before that or that they don’t really care about him right now, she should face the consequences of her actions. They originally said that they wouldn’t do anything unless the situation got leaked, and thankfully it didn’t, that would involve very private pictures of Hyunjin and Felix leaking. But she still did something illegal, and the company shouldn’t overlook that.
“Well, I don’t know how, he wouldn’t say, but he got her fired.” Felix says, smiling so widely that the last words are a little hard to hear, but Hyunjin hears him loud and clear. It might not be the legal action they were hoping for, but she’s out of the company. She was fired for what she did, the least of what she deserved, but damn, it still feels so good.
“I won’t have to see her anymore.” Hyunjin whispers, he won’t randomly see her at work, he won’t hear her name in conversation, he won’t have anything to do with her from now on. She started all of this because she was jealous of his success, and now she’s lost everything she had, the opposite of what she hoped would come of this.
“You won’t have to ever see her again.” Felix repeats, looking as relieved and happy as Hyunjin feels. But then he feels the tell-tale feeling of a flashback coming on, sudden nausea and cold sweats and he looks desperately at Felix. In a flash, the younger drags him out of there, to the empty hallway they found when they arrived. Hyunjin puts all his energy into fighting the dissociation, but once they’ve rounded the corner it’s like his brain knows that it’s safe to let go.
-
Hyunjin is sat alone at the lunch tables, scrolling through his phone to distract himself. The whole day he’s been blending in with the rest, hoping to not get singled out. So far, he’s succeeded, but it probably won’t last very long, it never did at his old school. The day has been the calmest it has ever been at school. Hyunjin doesn’t have to fear Chanwook or his minions, he is finally freed from their grasp.
It feels like he’s taking in a breath of fresh air for the first time in years, but he’s still terrified. Everyone at this school is at the top of their game, and he knows that he is lacking. It’s only a matter of time before they all realize that too and he’ll be right back in the position he was in before. Maybe Chanwook was right, he’ll come crawling back once they realize that he isn’t worthy of being here.
Hyunjin is snapped out of his thoughts when a tray appears in front of him, he immediately flinches when hearing the tray clang against the table. It’s pure instinct, he knows what comes next. Looking up, he sees a boy sitting down across from him. Hyunjin looks at the boy, tilting his head and waiting for him to say something, but he just starts eating his lunch.
“What are you doing here?” Hyunjin asks, realizing too late how mean that sounds. He doesn’t really know how to talk to people, they have all ignored him most of his life anyway, so there was never any need for any social interaction. All the experience he has is tainted with fear.
“Nothing, I just saw that you were alone and wanted to join you.” The boy says casually with a shrug. One would think after all the bullying Hyunjin experienced, he would be more cautious making friends, but there’s something about this boy that makes him feel at ease.
“Oh.” Hyunjin says, unsure of what else he could say. No one has ever done that before. But no one here knows the truth about him, this boy doesn’t either. If they did, whoever he’d meet would flee like bugs.
“My name is Jeongin. What’s yours?” Jeongin says, in an extremely excited tone. He seems so eager to meet Hyunjin, it’s almost overwhelming. His brain can’t seem to figure out how to interact with someone his age in a positive way, he hasn’t done that since Minhee left three years ago.
“Hyunjin.” Is all Hyunjin says, still sounding skeptical and rude. Jeongin doesn’t seem deterred though, continuing to smile at him with that overload of excitement.
“That’s such a cool name, I like it.” Jeongin says, and Hyunjin has to take a moment to try to figure out if he’s being ironic. He even looks around them to see if anyone is watching, waiting for Jeongin to finish the prank. But he doesn’t see anything suspicious, and he’s got a good eye after being bullied for eight years.
“Really…? People always thought it was a girl’s name.” Hyunjin says with what he hopes is a nonchalant shrug. He is experiencing so many firsts all in one day. Someone came and sat with him, he isn’t alone, he hasn’t been picked at or beat up or yelled at, and Jeongin even complimented his name.
“I think it’s pretty. It suits you.” Jeongin replies with a bright smile and Hyunjin subconsciously relaxes a little. Maybe he really will have an easier time here.
-
“You’re safe, Hyun-ie, don’t worry, you’re okay.” Felix brings him back with soft words and even softer touches. Hyunjin instinctively grabs Felix’s wrist, holding onto him as he wakes up from what feels like a blurry dream now that it’s fading away. When he looks at Felix, the younger is frowning at him, and in typical Hyunjin behavior, he bursts out crying. He grasps only any part of Felix that he can, pulling him in close, and Felix comes easily.
“Are you grounded?” Felix asks, something Dr. Beon suggested when Hyunjin felt suffocated by how many times he’d reassure him. It’s great to hear that he’s safe and that everything is okay, but having it repeated along with reminders of the year and where they are when he’s just sad or scared caused some angry outbursts. Now, Felix asks if he’s grounded before trying to ground him.
“It was good.” Hyunjin says rather than replying, his crying reduced to sniffling as quickly as it came on. It is usually very emotional to be in a flashback no matter what it is, and the confusion he feels when he comes back to the present and has to try to figure out what happened is scary. And even in more positive flashbacks like this, he can still feel the fear of walking through school on that first day, wondering who would beat the shit out of him here.
“What was good?” Felix asks, sounding confused, but mostly like he’s trying to get Hyunjin to talk about it. He pulls back a little, wiping at Hyunjin’s cheeks with some tissue and trying not to disturb his makeup too much. When they talk through it together, it doesn’t affect Hyunjin for as long as when he keeps it all inside and ends up going around with the memories and emotions stuck in his head.
“It was when I met In-ah, at SOPA. He was the first person to be kind to me.” Hyunjin says, feeling a small smile tug at his lips at the memory. Felix keeps talking to him about it, how it felt to walk through school on that day, the fear and anticipation of new bullies that never came, and then the simple kindness of a stranger who is now his brother. Considering how horrible some of the flashbacks are, this one was good.
Felix leads Hyunjin back to set, the older reluctantly following him. He’s embarrassed at the smeared makeup on his face, clearly from crying, and his messy hair from pulling at it while he was out. It’s clear that something happened, but no one ask any questions as they touch up his look. The moment he’s in front of the camera and starts dancing again, he feels okay.
. . .
It’s nearing the end of shooting, and Felix is wrapped around his back while he monitors himself. He just filmed the part where he dances with a rose in a spotlight. He was the most nervous about how this part would look on camera, but it looks exactly how he envisioned. The closer they get to finishing, the more excited he gets to show STAY. This video is turning out better than he hoped, it screams that he’s back, and won’t be defeated by whatever is thrown at him.
“You are mesmerizing to watch.” Felix says, accentuating his words with a kiss to Hyunjin’s shoulder, just where loose fabric meets skin. Hyunjin automatically jumps away, turning to look at Felix with wide eyes, a pair of just as wide eyes looking back at him in surprise. It’s such an instinct to think that they can’t do that here, where all of these people are watching.
But they can. It suddenly clicks that they’re out, they can do this without worrying about who sees. They can do whatever they want without worrying about rumors or consequences. Hyunjin laughs at the realization, feeling so light and weightless that he wouldn’t be surprised if he looked down to see that he is hovering above the floor. He feels free, the feeling he waited for since they came out two and a half weeks ago.
For the first time in their careers, he lets his instincts take over when looking at his boyfriend, despite being in public. Cupping Felix’s cheeks, he pulls him into a kiss, only aware of the people around them because it feels so good. He can handle potential homophobia, he doesn’t want to work with people like that anyway, right now he’s just free, and nothing will stop him.
“What was that for?” Felix asks when they pull apart. He looks like he enjoyed it as much as Hyunjin did, and he probably did because this is the first time they’ve kissed in public, without it being a part of a well thought out plan.
“It clicked.” Hyunjin says with a shrug. He can’t stop thinking about their freedom, only now realizing how heavy the chains holding them down were. And this weightless feeling is something he never wants to forget.
“I knew it would.” Felix says with a smile, leaning in for another kiss, and another just for good measure. This is something they would’ve been able to do a long time ago if they weren’t a gay couple. Maybe not go public but being together in places like this where everyone is professional and would break the law if they leaked anything. But they are a gay couple, so they’ve had to fight for this, and they will enjoy every single moment of freedom that they get.
“Oh, I got you something.” Felix suddenly says, pulling back to pull something out of his pocket and placing it in Hyunjin’s hand. When Hyunjin realizes what it is, he throws his head back in laughter, almost falling over before Felix grabs onto him to keep him on his feet. It definitely shouldn’t be funny, but it is, and Felix knew that he would see the humor in it.
“A glow-in-the-dark star?” Hyunjin asks through his giggles, turning it over in his hands. He still sees the one that isn’t there sometimes, maybe having an actual star there will help him focus on what’s real.
“I of course checked with Dr. Beon if it’s okay to give it to you.” Felix adds like an afterthought, and of course he did. He wouldn’t do anything that could jinx Hyunjin’s recovery just because it’s funny in the moment.
“And she approved?” Hyunjin asks just to be sure. He is no expert, he has no idea what he should and shouldn’t do when it comes to this, and he doubts that Felix knows that either, even if he has googled more than anyone should ever google in the last month.
“She said it was a good idea, might help you actually.” Felix says and Hyunjin starts laughing again. There’s just something so funny about having to put a real star on his ceiling because his brain keeps making up a fake one.
“Where did you get one star?” Hyunjin asks, the thought suddenly striking him. He never saw these outside of a pack of fifty, especially of this size, less than an inch wide. And he had many, many stars on his ceiling as a kid, many packs of them collected over a few years.
“I had to buy a whole pack; we can make a small galaxy if we want.” Felix says, looking so relieved both that Hyunjin likes the gift and that it didn’t trigger any kid of attack. He was probably scared that he’d have an anxiety attack at the reminder or be thrown into another flashback, but he just laughed.
“I don’t think the guys would appreciate that.” Hyunjin says. They both share rooms with members who need complete darkness to sleep, even alarm clocks have to be covered up with t-shirts at night so they won’t emit any light.
“We’ll do it when we get our own room.” Felix says, stepping closer to Hyunjin again and wrapping his arms around his waist. Hyunjin forgot for a moment that they are in a studio, surrounded by people, but no one seems to bat an eye at how sappy they’re being. They’re setting up for the next shot anyway.
“I want it to cover the ceiling.” Hyunjin says, remembering how much he loved his galaxy as a kid. He can have that even if he’s an adult. Life is about what brings you joy, not what is socially accepted, so if the stars bring Hyunjin joy, he’ll plaster them all over his and Felix’s future home.
“Deal.”