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Chapter Text

Jim Has a Bearded Spock Flashback and Hawkeye Hails the Enterprise

“Red alert, Red alert, all crew man your battle stations. Man your battle stations. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock to the bridge. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock to the bridge.”
Jim Kirk woke up to the ship shaking like the Klingon he had molested with tribbles. He plopped out of bed, hair a vision of usual, inexplicable perfection and answered Uhura’s call.
“Kirk here, on my way.”

Spock was already bending over his scanner as the Captain exited the turbolift. Jim beheld this sight fondly and somewhat obviously, then took his seat.
“Readings, Mister Spock.”
“An ion-magnetic storm of great intensity, Captain, however a solar flare has disrupted the field further and opened what appears to be a sizable rift. The Enterprise is being pulled into it.”
Well, mornings weren’t really mornings unless they were being sucked into a rift or being thrown back in time to the 1960s.
“Scotty, full reverse power. Give it everything you’ve got.”
“I’m givin’ her wellie lad, but it’d take more power than’s worth talkin’ aboot t’ even bring her to a standstill!” Distinctly Scottish button-mashing could be heard faintly in the distance.
“Spock, speculation on where this thing leads?” Kirk looked up at the Vulcan and his devastating eyebrows. Some people genuflected before their power and beauty.
“I believe it is a similar situation to what happened when we were discussing trading dilithium with the Halkans.” The Bearded Spock Incident where Chekov had tried to assassinate him and Uhura had nearly stabbed Sulu. How could Jim ever forget that alternative universe adventure. “The only diverging factor is that this time, a physical rift has manifested due to the high energy in the solar flare. If the situation is the same, logically we are being drawn into another Universe.”
Ooh, Jim loved it when Spock got all logical with him. Which was always. But he did not let anything show on his mask of keen, heroic concentration.
“Uhura, put me on shipwide intercom.”
“Done, sir.”

“All personnel, this is the Captain speaking.” He was reminded vaguely of one particularly wild Jaegerbomb Tuesday where he had opened the shipwide intercom, yelled ‘AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING’ and then drunkenly sung ‘and this is your Captain singing’ and then beatboxed in Morse code ‘this is your captain beatboxing’. He would have managed quite a few more variations if Chekov had not run in, screaming and clad only in the Russian flag, and tackled him out of the chair with the battle-cry ‘For ze Motherland!’. “We are being pulled into what we can only assume is an alternate reality. The last time I visited one, it was particularly dangerous. We all must be prepared for anything, and remember – even while we are not within our own Universe, we are Starfleet officers. We will stick to our directives and morals with our lives as we have always done. Kirk out.”
“Captain, we will enter the rift in 30 seconds. 29….28…” Sulu began a somewhat cheerful countdown. That wasn’t really a good sign. Jim had noticed that the more glee in Sulu’s countdowns, the worse off he perceived the situation to be. And on a scale from dully bored to ecstatic this was in the middle.
“All crew, brace for turbulence in 30 seconds.” Uhura took hold of the desk. Spock frowned slightly. It seemed illogical that Starfleet had not issued seatbelts for the bridge at least. Perhaps it was because the petakov Captain of this particular vessel seemed partial to being thrown around. A piece of information he had in store for…………later.
“3….2….1….”

* * *

“Hawkeye, we need you up on 6th!” The patriotic voice of the star spangled man with a plan came through the earpiece. “Distract Loki with whatever you can while Thor digs himself out of the pavement.”
“Copy that.” Whoo, time to jump off another building. Clint Barton set a grappling arrow to the string and did what he called ‘a Spiderman’ towards where all the screaming people were heading away from. “Aaaah, I’m a screaming person running away! Everything is so scary!!”
He mimicked to himself and he glided through the air like a giant, hawk-like man. Oh and look, there was the god of Being a Pain in the Ass himself. Loki was standing atop a building shooting green laser power at a blackened crater into the tarmac, which could only be his big bro Thor. Jeez, Asgardians sure had a weird way of showing brotherly love.

“Hey, Horny!” A fist arrow smacked the pale weirdo right in the chops. Hawkeye let out a very manly giggle. Man did he love it when those things worked.
“Who dares – “ Loki turned on him. Whoop, he didn’t want to become a blackened crater. He dove behind an air con unit like a crash-landing hawk. It exploded in a flash of green. Where was the big green guy when you needed him? Sent off into the river by MODOK’s forehead blasts, that’s where. Yeah, Loki had disguised himself as Widow and stolen an arc reactor from one of Tony’s suits. Why? Who the heck knew! But knowing that sly dog, nothing good. Hawkeye turned and fired an explosive, just to see a furious Norse God flying toward him. A normal Thursday afternoon then.
“Any time you’re ready to bring back up my way, I’d be glad guys!” The archer did a flip to avoid being served up on some Asgardian table as extra crispy hawk meat. Calls came in saying ‘busy’ ‘HULK SWIMMING’ and a Nordic moan. “Captain - ”

Hakweye fired a net arrow, which Loki disintegrated with a blast, and jumped up on to a ledge as a great big hammer came soaring towards them both. He felt like a frickin Star Trek officer, talking to people who might as well be in orbit, they were that far away. Sometimes Thor was in orbit.
Mjolololol or whatever it was smacked Loki into a wall, giving the archer a 5 second breather.
“Captain! Captain Kirk. Star trek, is this Star Trek?” The highly serious super Avenger who had marathoned the Original Star Trek twice in the last six months really just couldn’t resist. He did not see the energy beam headed for him until it was almost too late. With another graceful, bird-like dive, his pants got singed and something knocked his earpiece. “Enterprise, this is an emergency. I am about to have my ass handed to me here. Beam me up, Scotty!”
“I have you now, you pesky archer!” Hawkeye felt his limbs go rigid as green magic surrounded them. Seriously, what the heck was keeping Thor in that crater so long, and where was Widow??
What he didn’t know was that the bump against the wall and turned his earpiece on.
What he also didn’t know was that somebody in orbit had indeed heard him.

Chapter Text

Behold The Powers of Jim Kirk’s Smoulder

“All decks report.”
The Enterprise had been hurled through the void much like when Scotty had hurled a Klingon across a table for calling the ship a trash heap. Spock raked his eyes over the vasurik Captain, just to make sure he was alright. Then he raked his eyes over him again. It seemed the Captain’s body was in full, healthy, vigorous and well-muscled form. A third check-over was tempting but illogical.
“No damage to instruments, but minor injuries are being reported shipwide.” Uhura recounted.
“Readings, Spock?” The Vulcan bent over his scanner as the Captain’s eyes headed his way. Spock had never calculated the precise angle towards the Captain’s chair that would give Jim the best view of his rear. Never. Not once. At all.
“Magnetic-ion storm still present on this side of the rift, Captain. We have been thrown clear. However if we wish to re-enter, it appears we will have to go against the current of the storm.”

A saucy little smile lit up Jim's face. The Vulcan had a way with words, especially the ones 'husbandry', 'penetration' and 're-enter'.“Explain, Mr Spock.”
However, if there were phrases arousing to Vulcans, that was one of them. “It seems that matter and debris is being sucked from our Universe into this one. The transferral of matter is not mutual between Universes, unlike last time. If we wish to attempt entry back into our own Universe, we will have to, put simply, swim against the current to achieve this. And if Scotty is correct, Captain, we do not have enough power to make it back through.”
“I see.” If it had not been so illogical, Spock might have sworn that Jim Kirk’s perfect hair just winked at him.
“Keptin, I don’t believe dis!” Chekov looked away from his instruments in what seemed to be the emotion of disbelief. “Ve are one parsec from Earth and closing!”
“What? Onscreen Mr Chekov.” Jim’s eyes widened 0.12%. Spock noted that this reaction was somewhat smaller than the one the Captain had experienced regarding the information that Spock had worn a maid’s outfit.
“Captain, it is quite possible that in an alternate universe the star systems are laid out very differently from our own. Indeed, they could be entirely different. Therefore it is logical to assume we are in your home star system – or your alternate home star system.”
“Captain, I’m picking up what seems to be a distress call from Earth!” Uhura spun in her station, formidable hairstyle flying at a velocity that Spock calculated might have slapped Jim across a table if he had been standing in its trajectory. “It is on a very basic frequency but still recognizable.”
“Play it!” Came the masterful command.

“C…tain! Captain Kirk. Star t… is this S……ek….Enterprise, this is an emergency. I am about to have my ass handed to me h…. Beam me up, Scotty!”

“Triangulate the co-ordinates of that message and send them to the transporter room Uhura.” Jim leapt, galloping abs and all, from the Captain’s chair.
“Captain, for all we know, this individual could be hailing an alternate Enterprise.” Spock followed his fal-ang’jmizn into the turbolift. This lift had held a special place in Spock’s dead, emotionless heart ever since Jim had vigorously embraced him after being mentally attacked by children. Vigorous embraces by the Captain were very, very logical. He would like to engage in that logical activity more someday.
“He knew my name. He knew the name of my ship and Chief Engineer. You could hear it in his voice that he was in danger!” The Captain stepped out of the lift and they marched into the transporter room.
“Ah yes, that unfortunate human emotion of ‘stress’, often leading to ‘panic’ I believe?” The new Universe received its first exposure to Spock’s raised brow. Thankfully, it survived. “It sounds very unnecessary and inefficient. I would suggest you remove it, but you are hardly prone to it.”
Jim’s smile turned on like Spock’s ass often turned Jim on. “Why thank you Mr Spock.”
“Quite alright, Captain.” A warmth seemed to creep through his chest, as it always did when the Captain smiled at him like that.
“If you two ‘ave stopped yer flirtin’, do I beam this laddy aboard or nay?”
“Engineer Scott, we are not – “
“Go ahead Scotty.” Vai-isachya Jim cut him off with a smoulder.

The transporter whirred and…a human with what appeared to be a highly advanced bow and quiver of arrows materialized on the pad.
“Oh. My. God.” The man seemed speechless. Perhaps Jim was still smouldering. Jim’s smoulder had once set a Klingon vessel on fire. In fact there seemed few limits to what Jim’s smoulder could do. Illogical, but true.
“Judging from his disbelief, I believe we can logically assume he was not expecting to be here.”
“Come on Tony, you can turn off the holo-simulator now.” The man who somehow, inexplicably reminded Spock of an Earth bird of prey looked upward. “If this is payback for the cream pie arrow, I’m still not sorry.”
“We are not Tony and we are no hologram.” The Captain’s eyes gave the guest a smoking once-over, very similar to the one he had given the 1960’s pilot John Christopher on his accidental beam-up. Spock’s Jealousy-O-Meter filled up slightly. When it reached full peak, Jim Kirk usually got slapped. Or almost killed with a footstool. Or got his aggressive nipples exposed via large Vulcan spear slicing open his shirt. Just the usual. “My name is James T. Kirk of the U.S.S Enterprise, but it seems you already know me and my Chief Engineer Scotty. This is my first officer Spock. What is your name and how do you know us?”

The man stuttered, grinned like a silly potato and then gave a salute. “Clint Barton reporting, Sir, codename Hawkeye! You’re in a TV show and it’s awesome!”
He then gave a ta’al, which Spock immediately returned.
“A TV show, laddy?” Scotty’s finger’s hovered above the transporter board.
“A colloquialism for the ancient practise called television, I believe. Stories were displayed in short, sequential episodes, much like our holo-runs.” Spock turned to the newcomer. “Television was first conceived in monochromatic colour around – “
“Alright Spock, that’ll do.” The Smoulder and The Eyebrow had a brief, slightly loving battle and the Captain returned to Mr Barton. “I’m sorry, but we are going to have to return you back to Earth. We could be altering events in your Universe as we speak, Mr Barton.”
“Call me Clint, Sir!” The Earthman gushed and hugged his bow.
“Alright then Clint.” The Captain gave such a dazzling smile that if Spock had been in its path, he would have needed his second eyelid to avoid having an emotion. Mr Barton did not have such protection. Mr Barton turned a fascinating shade of red. “Scotty, beam him back.”
“Can do, sir.” The transporter hummed, and Mr Barton vanished.

“Give me the piece, Loki!” MODOK zoomed past the god like a flying, motorized egg and caught the miniature arc reactor. “SHIELD’s new transport technology has given away the position of their Helicarrier!”
The Easter-themed villain could have been talking to Loki or monologuing like a predictable villain. With tiny, flailing arms, he rammed the reactor into their new gun. “Let’s give them a taste of our own recently improved technology! Hahahahaha!”
“If thee dallies, thee shall ruin our brilliant plan, cyborg!” Loki’s frosty Frost Giant eyes turned upon MODOK as the god opened a dubious green portal.
“Yeah, yeah, stow your ‘thees’ and ‘thous’.” Glorified Humpty Dumpty loaded the gun, locked on to the co-ordinates where the beaming energy had come from and fired. Tracking told him it had struck home. “With SHIELD in disarray the Avengers will be easy prey.”
And with a laugh as threatening as only a giant egg whose name stands for Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing could conjure, the pair of baddies frolicked into the portal.

Chapter Text

Spock Becomes Responsive and Bucky Jumps Out a Window

Jim Kirk awoke with a strong urge to be a communist.
“Ahhh!” He sat bolt upright. His facial muscles did not feel as expressive as usual.
Something had ploughed straight through the deflector shields and squarely struck the ship. He could not remember...
“Ensign Chekov, are you injured?” Uhura strode masterfully towards him. There was something different about those eyes…that walk. Whatever it was, dayum it was hot.
“Chekov? Chekov’s over – “ He was in the Ensign’s chair. Kirk suddenly had a strong urge to seduce Uhura with the Russian National anthem.
“What on Earth…?” Spock looked like a tall, dark and handsome rabbit in headlights. He peered down, then turned the same shade of green as the wasabi Sulu had incapacitated several Klingons with one time. “Oh my, I’m a – I have…Captain, what…”
“Spock, what’s wrong?” He rose and found himself much smaller but slightly more angry than he expected.
“I have a theory, Captain.” Uhura intoned. Kirk opened his mouth, then closed it again as Spock ran his fingers along those sexy, pointed ears.
“Ughhh…vhat in the name of ze Kremlin…” Everyone looked towards the Captain’s chair. “Vhy is eweryone looking at me?”
The Jim Kirk in the chair looked immediately, nigh instinctively, towards Spock before giving his head a shake.
“You see, Captain, I believe the beam that hit us removed our katra – our souls and memories – and placed it into a different body aboard the ship.” Spock\Uhura gestured at his own curvy body. “At first I believed it was only Uhura and myself that were affected. Now it is only logical to assume all personnel are not themselves. Your body contains Chekov’s katra, while his body contains yours.”

Logic sounded so odd in Uhura’s svelte voice. Chekov suddenly felt the great power and responsibility of having such perfect hair. He also felt an odd kink for pointed ears. Uhura wondered whether Spock would mind if she put on some booty shorts to accentuate this wonderful Vulcan ass. No wonder the Captain was transfixed by it.
“Oh my!” Sulu raised his nose off the controls, eyes wide. “I’m on the Bridge – my voice!”
“Officer! What’s your name?” The Russian Captain took hold of Sulu’s hand.
“Janice Rand, Chekov! But you don’t sound like Chekov…”
“That’s because I’m your Captain in Chekov’s body, and Chekov is in mine. You are in Mister Sulu’s body, Yeoman.”
The helmsman put his hand over his mouth like a dainty Eastern flower.
“Vould you like ze conn Keptin?”
Kirk looked at himself. Dayum, he looked good. “Thank you Mr Chekov. Uhura – Spock – one of you, put me on shipwide com.”

That Vulcan booty sashayed over to the communications desk. Jim could really get used to Spock sashaying. He explained the situation to the crew, leaving out the tempting ‘Hail to the Motherland!’ at the end.
“So just after we transported that archer back, ve – I mean we – get hit by a katra-swapping beam?” He looked up at his logical communications officer. “Could he be somehow involved?”
“A highly logical assumption, Captain. You never fail to keep surprising me.” Jim began to think the Vulcan’s katra was 70% sass. Spock somehow made Uhura’s eyebrow do naughty, naughty things.
“Scotty, have you still got Mr Barton’s readings on file?”
“Aye, Cap’n but I’m still on me way t’ Engineering!” Doctor Mccoy’s voice answered in a Scottish rasp. “Ye get down to the transporter room and I’ll have it ready fer ye by then.”
“Alright, uh, Scotty. I want you to beam down with us too, so find Doctor Mccoy.” He turned and had a sudden craving for Vodka. “Spock, Uhura and Chekov, you’re all coming too. I don’t want anyone out of sight of their bodies.”

Jim turned to the woman\Vulcan beside him and added in a lowered voice. “So Mr Spock… what’s it like being a lady?”
Uhura’s eyebrow almost rose as high as her hairstyle. “Perhaps the better question would be ‘what is it like to be human’ to which the answer would be: Fascinating; inferior and somewhat more responsive.”
“Responsive?”
“Such as, whenever you look at me, my heart-rate increases by 15%.”
A supremely smug look crept over Chekov’s features. “I must say, I find that…fascinating.”
And with that, they set off to the transporter room.

***.

“Guys, guys, you’ll never believe what just happened to me!” Hawkeye burst into the Avengers’ lounge, Smoulder-induced smile still slapped on his face.
“You found a dog?” Tony Stark stabbed an Iphone with a finger. It upgraded itself to an Ipad through sheer proximity with Tony Stark.
“You caught Loki?” Natasha, the Black Widow, sat sharpening a ninja star by the window.
“Thee rescued a fair maiden!” Thor didn’t take his godly eyes away from the Mario Kart game on the screen. “Confounded, tiny bifrost!”
“BROUGHT HULK PIZZA?” Hulk had a special controller that Stark had especially made for him clasped in two giant green paws.
“You gave Bucky his spare arm back? We know it’s in your nest.” Steve had mastered controllers surprisingly quickly for an elderly man. Bucky just hissed and retreated out a 110th story window into the darkness. “There he goes again.”
“I got beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise!” There was a moment of silence. Then everybody except Thor burst out laughing. Even patriotic old man over there had been given the Star Trek education.

“Tell Picard I say hi next time.” Tony took a swig of something that could have been bourbon or window cleaner.
“It wasn’t Picard, it was Kirk! And Spock was there, and Scotty!” Hawkeye looked wildly between everyone, the image of Jim Kirk’s perfect hair burning in his brain.
“What, did you just say ‘beam me up – ‘“ Stark didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, because a hand clapped over his mouth.
“They might hear you.” Clint whispered.
“Loki really did mess with your head, didn’t he?” Natasha tossed the star into a wall.
“No, it was real! I was in the transporter room and everything!” Thor seemed to be the only one considering him with some gravity. “They said they were from an alternate universe!”
“You sound like you need a doctor.” Stark and his carefully pruned beard grinned. “Maybe I’ll just patch in to Mccoy up there and – “
“No need.” Everyone froze. “I’ve already beamed my ass down here.”
The Avengers watched, mostly opened mouthed, as Jim, Spock, Mccoy, Scotty, Chekov and Uhura strode through the door.

Chapter Text

Tony Stark Gets Iced

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental.
‘ After an energy beam hit the Enterprise and swapped the ‘katra’ or soul and memory of all crew members aboard with a different crew member, Spock, myself, Uhura, Chekov, Doctor Mccoy and Chief Engineer Scott, all in different bodies, have beamed down to the alternate Earth of this alternate Universe. In this time and place, it seems that the ancient Earth… Marvel comics, I believe they were called, are the reality. We suspect that the katra-swapping beam is either their doing, or the doing of their ‘villains’. They can perhaps provide a solution and a means to get back into our own universe.” Kirk suddenly realized that any Starfleet Officer reviewing his log would think he had gone utterly and entirely space crazy.

“You guys realize you’re from the 60’s, right? William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley…” Mr Stark paced around them as the cute archer bounced about making hawk-screeches of victory.
“Do you also realize that the basis of your existence in our universe also originated in the 1960’s, if that was what your vague numerical value was referring to?” Such sass had never poured forth from Uhura’s lips.
“Looks like Spock just gave you – what do you kids call it? A sick burn?” Captain America raised his eyebrows at the smaller man. Captain America. Russian and American patriotism had a cold war inside Kirk.
“I hath heard thee needs ice for burns such as this!”
“Thor NO – “
A bucket of ice rattled over Mr Stark. Spock’s giggle almost put Jim into shock before he realized it was Uhura in there.

“Captain!” The Scottish Chief Medical Officer stepped forward. “If what ye say is true aboot them, then Mr Stark is quite the engineer! I’d give a bottle o’ Scotch to see what’s under the bonnet o’ any o’ his contraptions!”
“Thanks.” The bedraggled Avenger sighed. “I think I’ll need a bottle of Scotch soon.”
“Now don’t you go smashing my liver into smithereens, Scotty.” How Mccoy’s katra managed to make Scotty’s eyebrow do such menacing things, only Vulcan Elders could explain. Even Scotty himself recoiled. “One or two drinks, fair enough, but I’m a doctor not a Glasgow Pub crawler!”
With a cry of ‘he said it!’ Hawkeye just about had a conniption in the background.
“I didne know I could be so terrifyin’!”

“Well, my team of Avengers will certainly help put you right. Pleased to meet you Captain Kirk.” Captain America clapped Kirk\Chekov on the shoulder. Jim put on his most killer Smoulder as that patriotic hand burned his communist skin. Spock\Uhura cleared his throat. Bucky squished his face against the glass and glared. He then hurled himself into the night to find his memories.
“And you, Captain America.” Never had such a seductive four words dropped from Chekov’s mouth. Spock momentarily wondered if spontaneously attacking one of the Captains could be blamed on his new human body.
A communicator bleeped.
“Sulu to Captain Kirk!” Yeoman Rand’s voice came over the frequency. “The same power signature that showed up before the energy beam hit the Enterprise has just flared up. It seems to be directed at your co-ordinates. Shall I beam you up, sir?”
“Give me the co-ordinates of its origin Sulu and – “ A burst of light, and he saw nothing more.

Chapter Text

Scotty Looks at the Benefits of Being a Midget

“Goddamn it, if I have to go through one more goddamn body-swap I’m going to give whoever’s responsible a hypospray in the eyeball. Or some sort of ball.” Mccoy noticed that halfway through the sentence, his voice was thunderously deep. He probably could have shifted tectonic plates with these vocal cords. Mccoy shook his head and felt luscious, dazzling locks fly about his shoulders. Goddamn it, he was a Doctor not a L’Oreal model! Or a rhinoceros for that matter. Hell, forget Jim having to lose 3lbs, he felt like he needed to lose fifty! He pushed himself up on biceps that probably could have housed a small civilization. “Alright, kiddos, who’s who?”
His own body stirred.

Thor had indeed been transformed many times, due to having the trickster god as a brother. But this mortal? He liked him! The feeling in these hands was a thing worthy of legend! The countless lives this body has saved filled the god with awe and merriment. A fine vessel indeed! Little did he know that those hands were full of such medicinal power that they could literally punch out kidney stones. In fact, Mccoy’s fight victims often woke up feeling better than they ever had in their lives.
“Many compliments, oh medical man!” Whoever knew Mccoy had the capacity to jovially boom.
“Well thanks, I guess.” Bones\Thor raised an eyebrow as the Holy Crimson Cape swished behind him. “I’ve gotta say, I feel mighty fine – like I could get hit by a truck and come out fresh as a daisy. You don’t mind if I do some medical tests on you, do you?”
“Nay, oh healer!” The mighty Thor had forgotten how interesting being a frail little mortal was. “Here, take thine equipment!”

“Well, I’m guessing you’re in there, Bones.” Jim Kirk stood up and gave the thunder god doctor a reassuring smile. Thor’s eyebrow literally conjured a thunderstorm under Mccoy’s command. Then Jim felt the patriotism. And this wasn’t just ordinary Jim Kirk patriotism. This was a tea in the Harbour, Allegiance-pledging, fourth of July explosion of PATRIOTISM. He looked down on his perfectly sculpted ass clad in the star spangled banner. A squeak resembling a bald eagle burst out of Jim Kirk. “Well look at that. I’m Captain America!”
More like Captain Assmerica. It took almost a Vulcan level of self-control to tear his gaze away from that Butt. But he had to make sure Spock and the others were ok.
“Oh my god.” Speaking of Spock. “I’m Spock! I’M MOTHERFREAKING SPOCK!”
The sight of Spock bouncing up and down giggling was not one anyone forgot quickly. The Vulcan gave a cackle and began running around the room.
“Mister Barton, I would appreciate if you treated my form with more dignity.” Even beneath foreign features, oh yes, that was definitely Spock. Spock in the cute archer’s body. Kirk added another wet-dream scenario to his bank and tried not to get a star-spangled bulge in his pants. The lean alien hung off the archer’s shoulder.
“Will you teach me the Vulcan shoulder pinch???”
Spock/Clint’s bitchface said no, but logic said yes.

“If you are more restrained with my body, which is severely sensitive to emotions, then yes Mr Barton. It may be paramount for self-defence, and thus the defence of my own body.” Mr Barton in turn received The Vulcan Side-Eye.
“Yes, I promise!”
“Vow, Hawkeye, you have newer looked so serious! I zink Spock’s a good look on you.” Chekov – or whoever was in Chekov’s body - said, then stopped in shock. “Vhy have I gone back to speaking vith a Russian…”
The Black Widow approached him and outstretched a hand. “Komrade?”
“Komrade!” Widow\Chekov and Chekov\Widow did an extremely fast Secret Soviet Handshake, an excerpt of Russian dancing and both pulled a shotglass of vodka out of nowhere with another cry of ‘Komrade!’. They then began to recite something very swiftly in the Mothertongue.
Steve and Kirk both had simultaneous eye-twitches .
“I need a drink!” The bodies of Scotty and Tony sat up together.
“Oh jeez, I’m Scottish.” Tony\Scotty stood up, and a sudden flash of wonderment crossed those familiar features. “I’m tall! I’m tall!!”
“And I’m a midget, but I s’pose it’ll take less Scotch t’ get me drunk.” The both turned to head over to the liquor cabinet.

“Scotty, don’t you think in our current situation it might be best to stay sober?” Kirk\Steve smiled.
The short man sighed. “Oh aye Captain, if that’s ye in there.”
“It is indeed.” Not every man could say they had been inside Captain America. But Jim Kirk could tick that off his bucket list.
“And I think it’s Captain’s orders for you too, Stark.”
“Great, it’s like having two of them.” Scotty’s body gave a TonyTM eye roll. “Well come on then Scotty, I’ll have to mod a Suit to fit this body. And I can’t say that I get to show the legendary Enterprise Engineer my tech every day. Although, Scotty, I do have some – “
“UHURA – UHURA BIG!” The Hulk opened and closed his massive fists. Besides being a massive, green man, Uhura was pleased she got to show off some leg in this body. And the instinct to stand precisely one inch away from the Captain had subsided too.
“But you shouldn’t be hulked out!” Uhura\Banner went over to the giant communications officer.
“Fascinating. I believe I have a theory.” Everybody gaped at Hawkeye in Spock’s body for a second. Not the first time Spock’s body had got Jim’s mouth open. In his imagination, anyway. “Sorry, I just had to do that. Illogical, huh?”
“You should probably be quiet now.” The one and only time it seemed Chekov was telling Spock to shut up.

“Mr Barton is actually somewhat correct.” Clint’s eyebrow got some exercise. Clint\Spock utilized the Smug Spock expression very well. “If my information is correct, Bruce Banner has a split katra due to a scientific accident. Therefore, his meek side has been transferred into Uhura while his ‘angry’ side remains present, enabling the current ‘hulked-out’ form. It seems that Lieutenant Uhura is controlling this. If my theory is correct, you must have a fairly dominant katra.”
“Ooh, talk science to me Hawkeye.” Scotty’s body gave a very un-Scotty like wink that caused a slight, patriotic side-eye.
“I believe I just did, although in essence I am not Hawkeye.”
“Damn the science!” Thor’s deep voice suddenly boomed. “How are we going to get back in our own bodies?”
“Well, I’m assuming this was MODOK and Loki, since everything started after they disappeared with Tony’s reactor. We will have to find their base.” Oooh, Jim Kirk loved watching himself being all commanding. No wonder the ladies flocked to him like sheep that didn’t know the shepherd wanted a Vulcan ass.
“Captain! The Enterprise’ll have a fix on the power source by now!” Meanwhile, the entire Avenger’s team was still trying to comprehend Tony Stark with a Scottish accent.
“Indeed.” He received his communicator back from his own body. “Kirk to Enterprise.”
“Sulu here.” The voice of Yeoman Rand replied. “Captain, I take it you were transferred into somebody else?”
“Yes indeed. A very fine somebody else.” The Smoulder tried its hardest to push through Steve’s patriotic features. Everyone in the room suddenly felt very hot under the collar, except Spock, whose Jealousy-O-Metre rose a little bit more. “Do you have the co-ordinates of that beam?”

Chapter Text

Uhura Becomes a Twinkle

Man, Hawkeye just couldn’t believe this! He was Spockalicious right now! Spocktacular! Tony had summoned a couple of SHIELD interns (with that weird Asgardian pentagram out the back) for him to practise the Vulcan shoulder pinch on. DAYUM was it satisfying when one of them dropped like a sack of potatoes.
“Mr Barton, I recommend you only use the nerve pinch when in dire need. Otherwise my superior strength and physiology should suffice.” He didn’t know how Spock made his face look so damn logical, but it was awesome.
“Can you use a bow?”
“Indeed, however I believe I will be more efficient with a phaser. I hope my lack of muscle memory will not hinder your skills.” The two of them swapped weapons.

“Captain, this body is amazing!” Mccoy grinned down at Kirk\Steve, who gave him a very thorough one-over.
“Why yes it is.”
Goddamn it. Put Jim Kirk in a room full of Avengers and he wanted to put his junk in every one of them. Well, Mccoy just hoped he didn’t get incurable alternative universe herpes.
“It’s resistant to the point of indestructible! I have the strength of at least a hundred men, and if my readings are correct, I can actually convert space matter into a form of oxygen!”
“So you’re saying Thor could possibly throw the Enterprise back into our Universe?” The Captain looked away with some difficulty from ogling Spock with a compound bow. Mmm. Almost as hot as 1920’s gangster Spock with a semi-automatic. Then again, nothing was as hot as 1920’s gangster Spock with a semi-automatic.
“Well, not with me in his body, that’s for sure. I can throw a mean right hook, but I can’t fly without that magic hammer of his.”

Clint suddenly noticed Captain America giving him quite a…wow…appreciative glance. If he hadn’t been a Vulcan, he’d be blushing like Chekov in Black Widow’s body right now. Well of course! He looked like Spock, didn’t he? And that was Jim Kirk in there…. The rest was televised history.
“Spock…does the Captain always look at you like that?” He raised a knowing Vulcan eyebrow. The power and responsibility of those eyebrows was like the topic of a Spiderman monologue.
“I do not know what you mean.”
“Y’know, like he wants to f – “
“Hawkeye! Spock!” Chekov and the Black Widow broke out of their fast, Russian scheming that had been on a table covered with a large red flag they had conjured from nowhere. Thor\Mccoy, who had understood every word, looked slightly disturbed. “You two must come vith us on Sasha.”
“Zat is vat ve named de howercraft.” Chekov\Widow grinned. Spock was forever left wondering what the end of Mr Barton’s sentence would have been. “Made in Russia, of course.”
“Ve vould take ze AwengeJet, but after zat little incident vith Doktor Doom, it’s out for de count.” Widow\Chekov nodded toward the pair of them. “Clint usually trawels vith me, so ve’d be happy to take you too Spock.”
“Do the respective Captains approve, Miss Romanov?”
“Yes we do.” The Captains and the others (minus Scotty and Tony) joined their little circle. Hawkeye\Spock was practically giggling with nerdy glee at the sight of James T. Kirk holding Captain America’s shield. “Tony and Scotty should both have suits for transport by now, Thor – “
“I can fly with the mighty Mjolnir, however I cannot carry the great healer in this form.” By just containing the spirit of Thor, Mccoy’s body had gained a set of washboard abs.

“Great healer, eh?” Thor’s massive arms crossed. Jim Kirk made a mental note not to piss Mccoy off unless he wanted a hypospray shoved through his arm. “Finally some recognition. Thanks Thor. And with these muscles, if you fly with that thing, I should be able to hang on to the handle as well.”
“Well, if you two sort that out, Captain Kirk and I can take motorcycles – “
“Are you sure that is completely wise, Captain.” The others were quite taken aback by Spock’s sudden interruption. But it had taken the Vulcan a great deal of meditation to ease the memory of buhfik isachya Jim’s last, disturbing driving incident. He did not think it logical or sane to let the Captain near an ancient motorcycle. “Due to previous study, I can speculate that the Captain has an 80% chance of death, a 99% chance of injury and a 98.5% chance of injuring anyone within a 5 metre radius of him on such an antique contraption.”
“Oh yes! I remember the car episode!” Spock’s own body jumping up and down with his hand in the air was a very illogical sight indeed. Kirk\Steve’s eyebrows had shot up quite admirably.

“Well…quite…logical, I suppose Spock.” The Captain gave the his own body a sidelong look. Spock didn’t know whether he wanted to slap Kirk’s body or Kirk’s katra. Maybe both. “But I’m sure Captain Rodgers here won’t mind taking a passenger.”
“AND UHURA?” The green monster was holding Banner\Uhura’s hand, a worried look etched on his – her – face.
“You can jump the distance.” The little woman looked up at the towering creature.
“BUT THAT WILL…SMASH. UHURA NOT WANT TO…SMASH.”
“Of all the souls to be put in the Hulk, it had to be our most gentle one.” Kirk\Steve smiled up at Uhura and ran a patriotic hand over green skin. Jim Kirk liked green. Green was bangin’. Mccoy\Thor’s eye roll was accompanied by a flash of lightning.
“But you have to do this, Uhura.” The patriotic Starship Captain continued. “For us all. You’re the strongest of the team now and we need you. Mr Banner here will help you.”
“UHURA SCARED….OF HURTING…NOT-BADDIES.”
“Come on, I’ll help you control it.” The little woman led the green guy to the window Bucky had jumped out of. “Here, hang on to me, and just jump really gently – in a general that way direction.”
“OK. I HANG ON.” Uhura\Hulk looked to the Captain for a nod (which he gave), crouched, and…flew like a cannonball out the window. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she soared into the distance, gave a twinkle and vanished.

“Is zat supposed to happen?” The Black Widow wore a mask of uncharacteristic confusion.
“….No.” Jim’s Kirk’s face wore a very expressive and characteristic expression of confusion.
“She definitely overshot that one.” Clint gave the understatement of the year with his gravelly Vulcan voice.
“Shall I go forth and find the lovely damsel and Hulk?” Mjolnir flew into Leonard Mccoy’s legendary, bordering on mythological, hand.
“No Thor, you and Mccoy are the only big guns we have left.” Steve\Kirk sighed. “Come on, we’d better get moving.”
Spock was still wondering how a twinkle of that magnitude had occurred in Earth’s atmosphere. Illogical. But then, so was the fact that the curvature of Jim Kirk’s ass created a perfect parabola. Some things were just beyond explaining.

Chapter Text

Thor Gets a Piggyback

The evil plan was brilliant! Redskull cackled in a German accent as he faced his Cabal.
“Gentlemen! SHIELD is in disarray. The Avengers are in disarray. Now is our time to strike!”
“Now?” Taskmaster, the newbie in the Cabal hood, looked around. Hey, he needed something to do at term break. “From what I have seen, surely they will argue and self destruct.”
“Fool!” MODOK’s giant head snarled. “They always argue! They are used to arguing! They argue every day! They are like a collection of overpowered married couples! Surely with your skills you should have noticed that.”
“What I don’t get is why Thor hasn’t electrocuted me yet. I mean, I literally live in water.” Attuma, the Atlantian, interjected.
“Silence!” Loki hissed. He was still in a godly tantrum that Hawkeye had been beamed away before he’d got that bird to lay eggs. Literally or figuratively, we’ll never know. Loki was pretty nuts on a good day. “Dracula! You shall lead us through the darkness to our prey!”

The vampire put down his blood smoothie he’d been slurping. “Sure zing – “
“Is it wise to go to Avengers Tower?” The Taskmaster still couldn’t believe he was on a team with Loki and Dracula. Seriously? Dracula? This could be a very weird dream. Little did he know he was gonna get a whole lot more Strange shoved up his ass today. Not Doctor Strange, just metaphorical strange. Leave the previous to another day. “The security is Stark’s after all.”
“Hast thou not been paying any heed?” Loki’s cloak literally writhed in godly anger. “I hath torn down his defences once. I shall do it once more!”
“Yo guys I think you should check this out!” A Hydra intern Dave waved from the glass security booth above them. “Security cameras and pretty much everything else just went out!”
“Danke Dave.” Even Redskull liked Dave. Dave was just a cool guy. “Alright, whose minions shall ve send to check out zis?”
They all did Paper, Scissors, Rock. Attuma scowled and slithered wetly toward his expendables, muttering about the stupidity of Paper beating Rock.

Captain America was having problems with his new body. He felt like every expression on his face was three times the expression of any normal man. His hair…it was quite something else. Powerful. Now he knew what Thor must feel like, with the weight and responsibility of such damn fine locks. But the most difficult thing of all was Mr Spock. It seemed Captain Kirk’s body and eyes just listed toward the Vulcan if Steve had a momentary attention lapse. But on the pros, whenever he was around Spock, his muscles just felt more at ease. Felt like a certain genius-millionaire-playboy-philanthropist owed him a buck or two. Hmm, on the topic of bucks…Where had Bucky pounced off to this time? Last time he’d found that hunky Hydra hobo lurking in the alleyways of Brooklyn collecting trash can lids because they ‘reminded him of Steve’.
Jim’s perfect hair gave a final, flirtatious caress of the breeze as the motorbike shuddered to a stop.

“Now that was quite something else!” Jim\Steve stepped off the bike and almost reluctantly handed Captain America his shield back.
“Yes, well – “
Doctor Mccoy and Thor suddenly dropped out of the sky in a piggyback formation, both of them clutching Mjolnir.
“Huzzah! Mounting one another did work most greatly!” Steve would have called Thor out on his phrasing there, but hey, he’d apparently used the term ‘boner’ incorrectly at least three times on live television.
“I don’t know about ‘mounting’ but dammit Jim, I’ll take hammer travel over goddamned transporters any day!” The god boomed. Steve Rodgers had thought his life had been pretty wacko up till this point, but nothing, not even being a Capsicle compared with this.
“Well, when I find you your own magical hammer, I’ll let you know, Bones.” A very un-Captain-America-like smirk crossed the Prince of Patriots’ face. “But till then, it’s transporters for us.”
“Yeah yeah.”

There was a bleep and Kirk\Steve whipped out his communicator faster than Bones had whipped out his sedatives on that one Jaegerbomb Tuesday where Jim had almost sent Starfleet Command 300 alternating dick pics.
“Spock here, Captain.” Even in Hawkeye’s voice, the distinctly Vulcan tone gave Kirk’s body tingles. Steve conjured up an image of the American flag. His happy place (that didn’t involve Bucky, a metal arm and lube). A mechanical, whisky-scented whoosh told him Scotty and Tony had arrived. “Mr Barton, Mr Chekov, Miss Romanov and I have disabled the security as per your and Captain Rodgers’ instructions. However, I am picking up a great many life signs within this dwelling. Some are aquatic, some can manage a flux between the states of solid and gas, and all are humanoid apart from one who is ovoidal.”
“Right. Thank you Mr Spock. We're coming in. Report back on those lifesigns, but try to stay undetected. And I think the co-ordinates of the nearest door are going to come in handy. Captain America?”

As Kirk turned to him, a little beam of pride lit up that patriotic katra. He’d star-spangled beat the hell out of anyone who didn’t think this fine space Captain was just swell. “Rodger that Hawkeye and Widow. The aquatic creatures are probably Attuma and his men, and the ones in flux are most likely vampires. Looks like we might have found the Cabal. Captains out.”
“Captain Kirk!” The visor lifted from Scotty\Tony’s Iron Man suit. “If I could modify the Enterprise warp engines t’ the same regenerative power loop as these little blue beauties Mr Stark has here, then I’d be bettin’ we could trot back into our own Universe at Warp Factor 12! If not more!”
“A warp engine. Now that I’d like to see.” The man in the other Iron Man suit sighed, somewhat dreamily. Steve’s new and wildly expressive face raised its eyebrows. So that was what Tony Stark fan-girling looked like.
“Duly noted, Scotty. And once we’re back in our own bodies, it will be a welcome offer.”
“But now, soldiers, we’ve got to move.” Steve\Jim turned to the Iron Men. “You two get above; try to find a good angle of attack. Thor and Mccoy, you’re with us. With Hulk still out of action, you’re our big guns. Let’s go.”

And, blessed by Mccoy’s godly mutter of ‘see you all in Hell’, they stealthily crept toward Spock’s co-ordinates. Well, as stealthily as a man dressed entirely in an America flag, two shield-and-hammer toting men in garish Starfleet uniforms and one red-caped, massive Nord could creep.

Chapter Text

The Attack of the Fish People

Well of course they’d be attacked by goddamn fish people. Yeah, yeah, Mccoy had forgotten just how damn much he loved planetside missions. If it wasn’t fish people, it was goddamned salt-suckers or suggestive plants that spurted a dubious white substance or giant hairy ape people or something as equally annoying. Doctor Mccoy sighed with irritation and punched a fish-man through several walls. Well, at least being the God of Thunder had its merits. Pity Spock wasn’t there. Yeah, Jim boy would probably chuck him out an airlock for sending the Vulcan into orbit with an uppercut, but they were all going to die horribly in space anyway. Why not have some fun with it? He back-handed another couple of fish-men down the corridor as he watched himself bitchslap some more guys with Mjolnir. He had to say, Thor was a very nice gentleman. What a shame they probably wouldn’t have enough time to ‘drink and fight and make their ancestors proud’ as the booming god had put it. Well, perhaps not fight, Doctor Mccoy thought as he bounced another fish-man off his looming bicep.
“Jim, I’ve never seen you look so elegant.” Both Jim and Mccoy watched Jim’s body finish off the last standing fish-man with a graceful flip-kick combo.
“I have no idea what you mean, Bones.” That kiddo patted him on one ginormous forearm. The American flag flashed before his godly eyes.

“Alright guys, let’s move! Looks like Attuma knows we’re here at least.” Captain America Kirk waved them onwards. Damn, it was weird seeing that kid do co-ordinated parkour rather than hurl his ass (sometimes literally, as one particular disguised Orion had found out) at anything dangerous. He sometimes got stabbed in the lung for it, but hey, what the hell was Mccoy for other than patching up Jim’s stabbed lungs? “Hold up. Widow reports Redskull and his Cabal are up ahead. Any word from the Hulk yet?”
“Kirk to Uhura. Kirk to Uhura.” The communicator crackled.
“Banner here. We’re currently on our way back from Florida. Uhura’s really getting the hang of jumping!”
“Oh well that’s a relief.” Such sarcasm had never dripped out of Thor’s mouth. Jim just gave him a side-eye that gave him star-spangled shivers.
“Keep me updated. We need you at my co-ordinates as quickly as possible. Kirk out.” If Jim stopped looking at his Americass maybe they’d all get more work done.
“So Hulk’s out of the equation for now. Well, we’re just going to have to – “
“Captain Kirk!” A supremely Scottish interjection cut off Steve\Jim. Jim snapped open his communicator. “We’ve got company an’ they’re mighty insistent! We’re at bearing 303 mark 8, if ye’d consider bein’ the cavalry!”
“Scotty, swing left 2m!” The original Iron man called.
“We’re coming Scotty.” They conferred with Spock and the others to head toward those co-ordinates, and burst into the room at the end of the corridor - or 303 mark 8.

***

Well, this looked like a field of daisies.
Someone was shooting a phaser at a man who’d either gone down with a terrible case of Diolantric Sores or had a naturally red face. The Russian brigade was over in a corner fighting what looked like goddamn Dracula and the King of the Fishmen was trying to get a hold on Spock . Wow, if only Mccoy could get a medi-bag-camera video of Spock the circus monkey. But he and Thor had some ass to whoop.
Suddenly a creature that looked like a giant, hard-boiled egg came careening after one of the Iron Men like it had been shot out of a hen. Some guy in a white cloak and a skull mask had one of them on the ground.
“Scotty!” Jim\Steve leapt away from the group and literally hurled himself at the Taskmaster. Mccoy was about to go and help him when a green blast of energy knocked him for six.

Chapter Text

Taskmaster Faces a Formidable Ass

Taskmaster got up and laughed as Captain America told Tony Stark to go and help the other Iron Man with MODOK. Was the Captain really so stupid as to think the Taskmaster didn’t have all his moves stored and calculated, with the winning tactic combination already plotted?
“Look, we do not wish you any harm. Just give us what we want and we won’t be any trouble.” Ugh, the goody two-shoes speech. He’d stab out his brain in an act of uncharacteristic originality if he heard that one again.
“I want you and your Avengers gone.” The Taskmaster waited for that carefully predicted parkour punch.
“Well I’m sorry, but we’re not going anywhere until you’ve put us all right again.” The Patriotic fool smiled in such a…wow……no, Taskmaster. “So I suggest you take us to your central power conduit or wherever you are holding the power source of the beam that hit the Tower.”
“Make me.” Taskmaster didn’t actually know where the gun Redskull, Loki and MODOK had talked about was. In fact, he didn’t really know what it did. But for the right money on school break, he’d reverently whip that patriotic ass that could have been sculpted by Michelangelo himself. If only he could emulate that ass.

Taskmaster snapped out of his fond daydream, threw a punch where he knew the Captain’s guard was weakest and – the man ducked. Taskmaster suddenly had the wind blown out of him by the entirety of that star-spangled body ploughing into his stomach. What the –
Captain America smacked him in the face with the most uncoordinated double-handed punch he’d seen in his life. Taskmaster rolled to his feet, smarting and confused. Captain America did not get up. He just rolled at a ferocious speed, like a human bowling ball, and knocked the disorientated villain off his feet again. What the heck?? These moves made no sense! No lithe parkour, no predictable, learned fighting style…and the more he hit the Captain, the more this guy grinned! In the Taskmaster’s moment of internal grief, he didn’t see the clumsy, half-hearted cartwheel in time and was struck squarely in the jaw by Captain America’s holy ass. His last conscious thought was what a wonderful way to go.

“Ah, Doktor!” That dame in black leather who was actually Chekov did a vaguely Cossack-dancing action to duck a wisp of smoke and grinned. “I see you’re busy! Ve are fighting Dracula, ze Russian vampire!”
“You’re kidding me.” The bulging doctor rose in one powerful movement of his well-developed quads.
“I’m Transylvanian you idiot!” An incredibly Transylvanian accent hissed.
“Well, you kids sort it out. Looks like I’ve got me a Norse god to deal to.” Mccoy ignored the reply of ‘I zink you mean Russian god!’ and dodged another flash of green.
“As fun as it is, beating brother of mine, it would gratify me to know who is really in there.” Goddamn Loki swiped with a spear like Sulu had swiped at a ball of string in relapse from his cat experience.

“Brother!” With a dull dong, Mjolnir hit Loki’s giant, unnecessary helmet. “Face me!”
“Hey, take it easy with my body your worship.” Mccoy rolled his eyes and went for the sciatic nerve, if Asgardians had sciatic nerves. Loki vanished and re-appeared in a swirl of mist.
“What is this? My brother in a mortal body? I think it’s time for me to be next in line to the throne!” Damn teenagers. Always wanting this, that and the other. Mccoy wrapped his rippling Nordic arms around Loki’s waist to stop him kicking – well, the doctor’s own ribs in. Looked like Thor wasn’t quite used to being a delicate Southern flower. Upstairs, Hydra intern Dave took a photo for his Thorki fanfic. And that’s when Loki stabbed Thor’s muscular antebrachium and blasted Thor\Mccoy against a wall. Dammit, a broken shoulder and concussion by the looks of it!
“Behold the dregs of thine luck washing away, Thor. Now I end this for once and for all!” Mccoy’s own eyes blinked blearily as his nose bled like a melting Hulantvy. If that jumped-up little green-cloaked god thought he could get away with breaking his damn shoulder and trying to kill Thor, oh boy did he have another thing coming.

Loki’s spear thrust forward toward Thor\Mccoy’s chest. He did not see the terrifying sight of Mccoy’s anger Unleashed inside the body of a thundergod.
“Oi, Cow Horns! Git your hands offa my friend and my body!” He picked up the first darned thing he could get a grip on and smacked that armour-plated, smarmy little green glow stick in the temple. The first darned thing happened to be Mjolnir. Loki flew twelve feet and landed on his ass. Where he belonged. Mccoy strode over to the stunned Trickster and put the hammer on his chest. “Squirm outta that one, kid.”
He ran back over to Thor. If God - or should he say Odin - was good, he’d smacked Loki’s brain before that spear had hit any vitals.
“You! Keep still.”
“Go, oh worthy one! Help….others.” Trust his body to be the one bleedin’ all over the evil-themed linoleum. Mccoy just gently pulled out his hypos.
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere till I know you’re not gonna die on me kiddo.”
The god frowned at the double negative. “So…thou art going somewhere?”
“I never thought I’d have to tell myself to be quiet.” Thor’s masculine voice sighed, and those Asgardian hands suddenly felt the honour of being even more legendary.

In the distance echoed a vaguely Vulcan whoop of victory as Attuma collapsed under the Vulcan shoulder pinch. It blended in with the demented scream of “I’M TRANSYLVANIAN” from the Russian corner.
Suddenly, a net dropped over Steve\Kirk and began to squeeze. Only his shield held the thing at bay. Redskull gave Dave a grateful thumbs up.
“Stop zis now or ze perfect-haired one dies.” He hissed.
“No, you stop! You are the ones who started this mess!” Captain America strode forward, leaving behind the Taskmaster, who was seeing stars and stripes with an ass-shaped bruise on his cheek. A Tony TM explosion sounded in the distance.
“Oh look, Captain America vithout his shield.” Redskull shot a laser gun, but the beam never hit the Captain. Hawkeye’s body got between them and fell to the ground with a somewhat logical thud. The actual Hawkeye winced.
“It… appears you are… incorrect.” The archer raised a sassy eyebrow, which would have incapacitated Redskull, had it been on a Vulcan face.

“Spock!!” Jim/Steve cried. Dave suddenly had a new fanfic idea as he saw Captain America tenderly holding Hawkeye in his arms.
The medicinal Asgardian picked up his first aide kit, but even the great god-bod was stopped in its tracks at the pure, flaming, homosexual rage in Jim/Steve’s eyes as Hawkeye’s body went limp. Probably a Vulcan healing trance, but hey, no-one had to tell Jim that. But before a) Jim’s body was crushed to death by Dave’s net and b) Redskull got star-spangle-annihilated, the wall exploded in a crash of green, female fury. Uhura’s giant green fists snatched up Redskull and batted the singed MODOK out of the air. Then a huge, indestructible finger freed Mr Freedom Fighter himself from the net.
“Taskmaster! Dracula! Attuma, help me!” Little did Redskull know that Dracula had become so done with being called a Russian that he’d vaporized off into therapy, Taskmaster was in a wonderful, sculpted butt-cheek dream and Attuma had had his ass Vul-caned. Dave calmly climbed into a package and posted himself to Sweden.
“Surprise, motherfuckers.” Nick Fury climbed through the wall-hole, coat tails flapping majestically, a huge gun in his arms. “Y’all hoes ain’t getting’ no fucking help here bitch. Get these pieces of motherfuckin jackshit into the helicarrier.”

Chapter Text

Spock Has a Daydream and Steve Needs to Mind his Language

Spock nibbled his vegetarian shawarma somewhat logically.
It had only taken Tony and Scotty twenty minutes and two bottles of Scotch to find and reverse the effects of the gun on both the landing party and the Enterprise. When he awoke from his trance, Spock contemplated Kolinahr-ing all the hawk-like man’s emotional leakage from his system. But… that seemed a little extreme. Perhaps meditating on the thought of Jim’s illogical hair would be more fitting.
But before the crew did, what Doctor Mccoy called a ‘Saturday night fever strut’ back into their own Universe, the Starfleet Officers had found themselves being served in the Avengers’ favourite shawarma restaurant. Between Mccoy’s hallowed hands (Praise Unto Them) and Thor’s fascinating healing stones, all members were now back at full health.

“And here is to my great healer friend, oh Lionhearted Mccoy, of Starfleet!” The alien Thor raised a pint of what tricorder readings seemed specify as Gartheusalan Death Beer (or the Asgardian equivalent). At this rate the humans would have a 70.38% chance of crawling out of this establishment. The Vulcan suddenly felt his Jim Kirk senses tingling. The Captain of kastorilaya was giving him the eye-signal for a one-on-one talk.
“Captain?” They stood a few paces off after Jim had excused them.
“Spock back there with the villains…what the Devil did you think you were doing, throwing yourself in front of me like that?” The Human Bowling Ball frowned.
“It seemed quite logical, saving your life sir.” Only Jim’s dominant nipples and those unflappable locks deflected the sass-eyebrow combo. “You are the Captain, thus the most important member of our crew. A first officer can be easily replaced.”

The earth ballad ‘And I Will always Love You’ started playing on the restaurant’s sound system.
“You can’t be, Spock!” Spock’s tasteful side-heart thumped as the Captain almost touched his Vulcan titties. Back at the table, Tony Stark hiccoughed and passed $300 to a smug Captain America as they both listened in with one of Widow’s spy devices. They’d probably both get their asses kicked (if one could bring oneself to harm the blessed buttocks of America) for swiping it, but…so worth it. “I mean, you’re the only Vulcan in StarFleet! You are very important to...to us. Next time just shout, alright? I am quite capable of moving.”
“Noted and logged for future reference.” Reference meaning Spock would still bodily throw himself in front of a charging rhinoceros if it meant saving buhfik-isachya Jim’s life.
“And…thank you.” The Captain’s soft smile always made taking plasma or poisonous space spines to the chest so much less irritating.
“I believe the correct response is ‘you are welcome.’” Spock’s eyebrow game was so stunningly erotic that Jim, who was going to clap his First Officer on the shoulder, almost missed and hit his ass. Almost missed.

Kirk caught Spock on the wrist, giving the Vulcan the impression that he wanted to go for First Base.
“You know, I would very much like to repay you.” The Captain sidled closer, and even Spock’s second eyelid couldn’t protect him from The Smoulder at this range. He could feel the heat of Jim’s vigorous, geometrically pleasing body against his chest like the metaphorical ball of sunshine Jim was. Spock tried very hard, hard in more ways than one, to stop his biological responses to such hotness. There was one second where they paused, so close that Spock could feel the tantalizing warmth of Jim’s delicious, shawarma-scented breath.
“No repayment required – “ Those masterful lips pushed against his as their hands entwined and –

“Spock, are you alright?” The Captain asked from a disappointing distance away. The Vulcan blinked and blamed Hawkeye’s leakage for that illogical and highly inappropriate daydream. Illogical, but…his wrist still tingled from Kirk’s touch.
“Very well, Captain. I must not have fully recovered from my healing trance.” He gave a curt nod and returned to the table. In the background, Mccoy drunkenly smirked into Thor’s bicep at his medical tricorder readings on Spock. To coin a phrase, fascinating.

***

Steve Rodgers sighed into his American President-themed pillow. Gosh, that had been a long day. Thor had kinda drunkenly hurled the Enterprise back into the rift and had Heimdall and co. patch up the space hole. He reached one, muscular, American arm out of bed to put the needle on his Star Spangled Banner record he usually fell asleep to. Ahhh, it felt so good to be back in his own pointy-ear-fetish-free body. Steve turned on to his side as red, white and blue stripes soothed over his patriotic eyes. He couldn’t believe they’d met Captain Kirk and his crew! He remembered the last sight of them: Spock doing the Vulcan hand salute and telling them to Live Long and Prosper whilst Hawkeye almost wet himself. It was…it was… the brief whoosh of the breeze and a quiet patter of feet broke him out of his sleepy visions of bald eagles. Somebody lifted the covers...oh, of course, Bucky. OH NO WAIT –

An icy metal arm whirred around his chest and Steve Rodgers screamed.
“BUCKY THAT’S FUCKING FREEZING! GETITTHEHELLOFFME!”
The door burst open and a mortified Tony appeared. “Language!”
His reflexes were just fast enough to shut the door as Bucky hissed and several knives embedded themselves in the metal.
“You could at least get him to install a heater in that thing.” Steve grumped, albeit half-hearted. Bucky just shivered like a cold kitty cat and hugged him tighter. For a terrifying, legendary assassin, he wasn’t half darn cute.