Chapter Text
A song came on the radio as they enjoyed the drive back home. A classic song came on by cascada. Needless to say, Kyle and Kenny as they did prior were jamming out to the song. Stan didn’t understand how the song was as enjoyable as Kenny and Kyle made it out to be. Stan noted to thank his mind for that. Ever since he was younger, he suffered with mental health. The one time they had misdiagnosed him with Asperger’s , and he had been dealing with it but didn’t enjoy all the things he use too. Now, deal with his clinical diagnosis of depression was rough on Stan but he managed daily as long as he remembered to go to his therapy appointments and take his meds. That was the one thing they managed to diagnose right.
“Every time we kiss, I swear I could fly!” Kyle and Kenny sung in Unison which brought Stan’s attention back to them.
“You guys are idiots.” Stan commented fighting the grin slowly slipping on to his face.
“But we are your idiots.” Kenny declared ruffling Stan’s hair from the back seat. Stan had forgone his usual cap today and decided it be best to start wearing it again tomorrow. He felt like a child when Kenny did that.
“Kenny isn’t wrong there, but seriously dude!? How can you not love this song?” Kyle exclaimed as the song slowly started to end, switching over to another track which was a little more laid back.
“Dude, you know how I feel about certain music.” Stan commented remembering how he found everything to be shitty back in the day. Therapy and the meds have helped slightly with his feelings regarding music etc. again.
“I know, but doesn’t mean that I’m not going to talk about it.” Kyle grumbled as Stan sort of felt guilty for way he responded. He was afraid he came off as tired of his best friend when he simply just meant that he didn’t like certain songs like he use to.
“I’m sorry man, I probably should have been a little bit more tactful in how I responded.” Stan lowered his gaze staring down as he twiddled his thumbs.
“Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. You know we love you man, but I’m still going to feel bad for not being there for you back than.” Kyle replied. Stan never knew that Kyle felt remorse for not being there for him when he was going through his depression. He had gotten a custom to the taste of alcohol in only the fourth grade. Stan had gone down such a dark path at the time, that he didn’t care that Kyle wasn’t there for that part of his life.
“You’re here now.” It was three simple words, but Kenny felt like he was a third wheel as Stan and Kyle shared this moment. To Stan it was like they were the only two people in the world.
“Yeah, you’re right! And I’m never leaving again.” That declaration made Stan skeptical. Lucy was now in the picture meaning Kyle would most likely spend most nights with his girlfriend.
“I don’t know about that, you’ll probably want to spend time with your freakishly strong girlfriend.” Stan smiled softly, trying to hide the pain in his voice.
“Oh! We aren’t girlfriend and boyfriend. At least not yet. And she is a bit stronger than most girls. She apparently has been doing self defense classes since she was young.” Kyle mentioned while Stan and Kenny gave each other a look.
“What do you mean you’re not girlfriend and boyfriend yet!? You and her are already so lovey dovey. You guys held hands and you out your arm around her waist for gods sake!” Kenny exclaimed as he pulled at his hair, frantically pushing his hoodie off his head exposing his messy blonde hair.
“We never discussed the actual terms yet. We are going on our first date Friday so we might be putting labels on it by then. Right now, we are just enjoying some harmless flirting.” Kyle explained, as he put his car in park. Stan didn’t even realize they were already back at Kyle’s place.
“Harmless flirting my ass, y’all were practically eye fucking and groping each other.” Kenny yelled as Kyle’s face turned as red as a tomato.
“Ok…maybe not so harmless, but she is the first girl who has expressed this kind of interest in me before. I know it’s dumb but ever since the list back when we were young, I’ve always been so insecure in my appearance. I know the list was not the final list but a part of me wonders what if the fake list was just telling me what I already know.” Kyle sighed as he took the keys out of the ignition.
“Dude!? Are you serious? You are like the most gorgeous guy to ever exist. Have you seen your eyes, you could practically get lost in them.” Stan couldn’t help his outburst or the nausea that crept in as he had gotten up close and personal to Kyle’s space.
“Uh…thanks dude?” Kyle looked away scratching the side of his cheek.
“Stan’s not wrong though dude, you got to exert more confidence. Besides Lucy and I agreed at lunch that you were hot. So own that shit.” Kenny put a hand on Kyle’s shoulder as he stepped out of the vehicle. Stan and Kyle following soon after.
“So Stan I’ll see ya after your conversation with Kenny?” Kyle asked as Stan simply nodded, afraid to talk since he was ready to spew his guts out.
Kyle walked away and entered his house with a small wave to Kenny and Stan as they made their way next door to enter Stan’s house. Stan immediately ran to the bathroom as soon as he entered. Throwing up all the contents of his stomach, while Kenny made his way upstairs after saying hello to Mrs.Marsh and Shelly. Kenny quickly opened the door to Stan’s bedroom before flopping onto the bed. He only moved his body up once he heard door click open and shut.
“So lover boy, we talking about Kyle?” Kenny grinned as Stan looked ready to puke again. It took everything in Stan to calm down his nausea.
“This is all your fault.” Stan flopped down on the bed beside Kenny as Kenny patted his back in comfort.
“All I said was that you had a type, I didn’t think it would affect you this much.” Kenny sighed as Stan glared at him.
“I never would have even realized that I might have feelings for him till to you brought up the fact that Wendy and him were the same people.” Stan groaned as he hid his face in his hands.
“Might!? I think we are past might. You freaking threw up over the fact that y’all got a bit to close and personal. I don’t know about you but that sounds like you might have deeper feelings for him than you yourself realizes.” Kenny stood up pacing turning around to give Stan an exasperated look.
“Dude, I know don’t remind me! I didn’t want this to happen. I’m already having a shitty day. I had to watch Lucy and him being flirty all day. Wendy broke up with me, luckily it was mutual but still. Plus I’ve been getting jealous over stupid shit. Speaking of please stop commenting on his ass. It has literally been making me want to punch you in the face.” Stan glared at Kenny who scratched the back of his head sheepishly.
“Honestly he does though but I was just doing that to test the waters with you. I kind of noticed how you acted yesterday and wanted to put my theory to the test. No promises that I won’t bring it up though. I’m a boob guy but I can still admire a perky ass, and let me tell you Kyle’s is by far the best ass in the school,” Kenny walked back over to sit next to Stan on the bed shielding his face from the possible onslaught he’d face from what he said. “If it doesn’t work out for you two, do you might if I shoot my shot.”
“Kenny, you are literally unbelievable.” Stan groaned, blushing slightly at his sudden arousal from talking about Kyle’s body.
“Yet, I’m the one you chose to unpack all your raging emotions on. I have to say I’m flattered.” Silence took over for a moment as Stan took deep breaths to regather his thoughts. Suddenly Stan stood up alarms going off in his head. No…no no no no. Stan was supposed to meet Kyle after his talk with Kenny. Kyle the boy he literally was just throwing up over, he had no idea how the hell he was going to avoid getting nauseous without giving himself away.
“Kenny, what the fuck do I do? I’m suppose to meet Kyle after we are done talking. How the fuck am I supposed handle that. We are gonna be so close to each other, I don’t know if my body can handle that.” Stan started to hyperventilate. He was a custom to having panic attacks but never in his life had he had one in front of a friend.
“Dude, woah, take some deep breaths ok. I’m here for you.” Kenny wrapped his arms around Stan as he tried the breathing excercise she was instructed to do. He hasn’t had an attack in quite some time, he must have stressed himself out to the point of having one.
An hour or so passed as Stan was finally coming down from his attack and starting to feel better. He read the time on the clock that said six pm. He took a deep breath out as he felt a buzzing in his front pocket, pulling his cellar device out.
From: Kyle SBF
To: Stan
Hey dude! We still on for games?
Stan read the message meticulously over and over again. Trying to find out what he should say, he couldn’t avoid his best friend because of a silly crush. Kenny turned to look at him briefly as he sighed.
“Dude, it’ll be ok. I’d just tell him that you lost track of time because you have a bit of a stomach bug. That way he won’t get suspicious if you blow chunks.” Kenny was quick to the point as Stan laughed at just how silly he had been to worry about something so minor. He always was more sensitive than the other kids. He even chose to be a goth when Wendy broke up with him the first time.
“Kenny, thank you. You have no idea how much it meant to me that you were here for me when I needed you. You are seriously a good friend.” Kenny blew him a raspberry.
“Don’t get use to it! I’m still the fun loving kenny everyone loves. Besides I really want to see some ginger and black haired babies.” Stan sputtered as he hit Kenny on the shoulder. Kenny who was so into laughing that he didn’t notice the sharp pain that Stan caused with his punch.
“Guys can’t get pregnant. Besides the fact that I don’t really want to raise little demon spawns. Dealing with my dad is enough, he is an adult child.” Kenny smiled as he stretched his arms before getting up off the bed.
“True. Anyway, go head over. It might make you feel better after well ya know…” Kenny trailed off but Stan knew Kenny was referring to his attack. Stan normally after having an attack would be out of commission the rest of the night, luckily today was a minor one.
“Stanley!” Stan heard his mother call. He shot up off the bed as Kenny followed so that he could leave and head home.
“Yeah mom!?” Stan questioned as Kenny and him made their way down the stairs.
“Kyle is here.” His mom replied as Stan blushed and had tried to crawl back up the stairs as Kenny just motioned him forward.
“Hey dude!? Sorry to barge in like this, but I was worried. You normally answer right away, but you didn’t.” Kyle has been doing this for years since Stan’s depression started. Any sign or indication that Stan might be upset in anyway and Kyle would be at his door with ice cream, movies and some blankets. Kyle always knew what to say to make him feel better.
“Sorry dude, I had a small panic attack. It’s nothing major, I’m ok. It was luckily a more mild one.” Stan replied as Stan’s mom dropped a plate on the kitchen floor.
“My poor baby. You’re having panic attacks again?” Sharon Marsh questioned as she stepped forward to console her son.
“I haven’t had one in like seven years. This was just a mild one, I just ended up stressing myself out a bit to the point of triggering one. It’s really not a huge deal. Kenny was there to help me through it. “ Kyle frowned and it made Stan wonder if he had said something wrong.
“I’m…glad Kenny was there to get through it than. Just if it ever happens again, I wanna be there for you.” Kyle’s frown quickly flipped, but Stan could tell it was a fake smile. Hope welled in Stan’s heart at the thought of Kyle being jealous that Kenny had been the one to comfort him in his time of need.
“Well, when you are with your therapist tomorrow you better bring this up to him. You were doing so good and I just want to make sure everything is ok sweetie.” His mom hugged her son briefly before turning to Kyle. “Kyle, if you would like, you can stay for dinner since your parents are gone for the week.”
“I appreciate it Mrs.Marsh but I promised mom I’d eat all the leftovers she left for us. You know how my mom can be.” Kyle laughed as Sharon nodded in response.
“Yes, Sheila can be quite headstrong. Kind of like you.” She teased as Kyle grunted crossing his arms.
“Mom, I’m going to head over to Kyle’s for a bit. Can you place my dinner in the fridge? I’m not very hungry at the moment.” Sharon pressed a calm to Stan’s forehead to check for a fever. Stan loved his mom but sometimes she could be a bit overprotective and at times overbearing.
“Are you sure, you shouldn’t skip meals Stanley.” Stan smiled weakly at his mom.
“Yeah I’m sure, my stomach has been a bit nauseous today. I couldn’t really keep it down anyway.”
“Are you sure you should be going over a friends house if you are not feeling well?” Sharon was not backing down with the third degree she had been giving her son.
“Yes mom, I think I’ll be ok. Unless Kyle is uncomfortable with me being near him.” Stan replied as they turned to look at Kyle.
“Dude, you know I don’t care. If you had an attack today maybe you should take it easy though…” he trailed off. Stan loved all his friends and his parents, but sometimes he wishes they wouldn’t treat him like he was so fragile. Like he could break at any moment. He hated that.
“Dude, I’m perfectly fine, I’ve calmed down a lot. Besides if I do have another, you always know what to do.” Stan commented remarking on how many times Kyle had been there for him through each of his attacks he had while he was younger. They were in rarity now that he was older, but he did was happy to have a best friend who always managed to calm him down when he had them. Kyle truly deserved the world in Stan’s opinion.
“If you’re sure, maybe if you want we can do a sleepover? It’s been kind of a while.” Kyle commented as Stan nodded in agreement, trying to hide how red his face was from the thought of sharing a bed with Kyle.
“Awesome! Pack a small bag for clothes for tomorrow, and I’ll go home and get the air mattress ready. Unless you wanted to share a bed. I know when we were younger, after you had an attack you’d want to share the bed cause it made you feel better.” Kyle turned towards Stan expectantly.
“Oh, the air mattress would be fine tonight. I’ll let you know if that changes.” Stan commented. Both momentarily forgetting that Kenny was still there just sitting beside Shelly watching them.
“Gay.” Kenny whispered to Shelly whom giggled quietly.
“Super gay.” Shelly laughed as she whispered that back to him.
“Alright, I’ll see ya in a minute. And Kenny go home!” Stan laughed as he began to walk upstairs to grab his stuff.
“I’m leaving geeze! “ Kenny sighed as he flipped Stan off before exiting the doorway to head home.
“I’ll see you soon!” Kyle called up as he began to walk out the door, hearing a buzz in his pocket. Kyle exited the door and checked out his texts.
From: Lucy <3
To: Kyle
I need you.
Kyle stared at the message for a few moments before dialing her number and waiting for her to pick up. Lucy did, her haggard breathing alarming him.
“Woah, Lucy are you ok?” Kyle was worried as Lucy struggled to catch her breath on the other end.
“Sorry I’m just getting over a panic attack. I had it right on the court Kyle. I’m so embarrassed. I’m even more angry at myself for telling you this. I’m probably ruining your night. Ah…never mind it’s stupid, go enjoy your night.” Lucy cried as Kyle heard shuffling on the other line as to hang up.
“No, don’t hang up. You could never ruin my night. Besides just the fact you called me over anyone else. I don’t know it just makes me feel needed.” Kyle commented as he swore he heard Lucy laugh.
“ I appreciate it. I just know you were looking forward to spending time with Stan.” Lucy mentioned as he heard her take some deep breaths to try and calm herself down more. She was struggling in between her words as she forced them out with each breath.
“I know. I still will be but I don’t want to get off the phone with you till I know you’re ok.” Kyle said as Lucy smiled on the other end of the phone line.
“Stan sure is a lucky guy to have you. I wish I had a best friend as caring as you are to him. Maybe once I get to know more of this class. I think they like me so far but I’m just so scared that they all secretly hate me or that I said something incredibly embarrassing. I’m afraid they’ll dislike me.” Lucy’s breathing was slowly getting back to normal and more steady as she still struggled to speak.
“They all love you. I know Kenny for sure does. And if anyone says otherwise than they can speak to me, Stan and Kenny.” Kyle smiled as Lucy chuckled on the other line, her breathing starting to stabilize the more they talked.
“Sorry for dumping all that on you, I never want to just pull people down with my negative ass. Thank you for talking to me for a bit. I really like you Kyle.” Lucy blushed on her end of the phone line as she waited for a response. She heard Stan on the other end asking what Kyle was still doing outside his door. Lucy knew the deal that her and Kyle had made when they started this relationship but she couldn’t help but fall for him. He was unbelievably kind and he always knew how to comfort her when she was suffering from her anxiety.
“Ok, Stan just got outside so I’ll have to go. You sure you’ll be ok?” Lucy realized Kyle never heard her yet she was ok with that as long as she had him in her life.
“I’ll be fine. Have fun for me ok?” With that the phone line went dead.
Lucy brought her knees up to her face as she sat on the bleachers. She already knew that this relationship was doomed from the start. She could tell Stan’s feelings for Kyle were way past friendship. She caught him staring at them a few times, her jealousy getting the best of her. She felt like an awful person for invoking someone else to feel that same awful feeling of envy. She just didn’t want to lose him yet. She was prepared to say goodbye if they needed too, but she was always known to fall to hard and fast. Right now she had fallen way to hard for him.
Lucy sighed as she picked up her guitar that she had brought with her to practice. She strummed the first chord as a black hair girl walked up to her and tapped her on her shoulder.
“You must be the new student, as student body president it is of utmost importance that I greet all the new students. My name is Wendy.” The girl smiled as Lucy couldn’t help but smile back, won over by the girls infectious smile.
“Lucy. I hope you don’t mind if I continue to play. I don’t want to be rude, just playing music calms me down.” Wendy gestured for her to play as Lucy began to strum the chords some more, playing a song that was familiar to Wendy. Radio head.
Kyle and Stan sat in his room, Stan having brought his guitar with him. He had told Kyle he had some material he wanted to write for his band Crimson Dawn. Stan sat there on Kyle’s bed as he strummed some chords for a warm up.
“Hey, do you know the song creep by radio head?” Kyle asked as Stan decided to humor him.
“I do.” Stan responded as he fixed his hands to strum a G chord.
“You don’t have to play it if you don’t want too, I just really love the song.” Kyle smiled as Stan shook his head.
“Dude it’s ok, I also love the song and would love to play it for you. Just I’m not sure if my voice is a good fit for the song but I’ll do my best.” Stan started to play the song at the same time that Lucy was strumming the same song, both playing in front of their own respective person. Only difference was Stan had feelings for Kyle and he had strange feelings about serenading him with a song even if it wasn’t a romantic one.
“When you were here before, Couldn't look you in the eye, You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry, You float like a feather. In a beautiful world, I wish I was special,You're so fuckin' special.” Stan sang as Kyle just looked on mesmerized. He never knew that Stan had such. Gorgeous voice.
“But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here!” Lucy sang as Wendy watched her play. Suddenly Stan flashed through her mind in that moment. She couldn’t put a finger to why.
Stan continued to play as did Lucy as they got to the end of the song. Wendy and Kyle watching both musicians as they sang with so much emotion.
“Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so fuckin' special. I wish I was special, But I'm a creep….I'm a weirdo, What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here…I don't belong here” Stan finished the song strong as Kyle couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. Stan blushed and turned away.
“Dude, I told you I wasn’t that good. “ Kyle proceeded to yank Stan’s face to his with his arms as he looked him dead in the eye.
“Dude, you literally gave me goosebumps. You’re amazing!” The declaration made Stan feel nauseous again, he tried to yank away from his hold before he could throw up on Kyle. Kyle’s grip was strong. And than he couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Ew!Dude! Gross!”
Meanwhile with Lucy and Wendy. They talked for a bit more after Lucy had performed. Wendy mentioning that Tolkien had wanted some live music at his party Saturday and that she should consider performing a song. Lucy considered it before heading home, sending one last text to Kyle before heading home for the night. Smiling at the fact she may have made a new friend.
Ding! Kyle’s phone had gone off. Stan heard the noise as he looked up from where he was currently shoving his head in a pillow. He was beyond embarrassed. Kyle said it’s not big deal and that he just needed a shower but Stan still hated the fact that he did that.
Stan glanced at Kyle’s phone briefly seeing it was from Lucy. Feeling sick to his stomach that she had a heart after her name. Stan looked back and forth as he intently listened to hear if the shower was still going. He heard the water running and couldn’t help but wish he was in there with Kyle. Stan cringed at the thoughts he just had about his best friend. He grabbed the phone off the table and swiped to put the passcode in. Stan always knew Kyle’s passcode, he always had it input as a reference to one of their on going inside jokes. Stan chuckled as he put 0420 in to the phone. They made a joke about that day a few times when they had decided to try getting high one night when there parents weren’t home.
That night was rough since Sheila and Sharon had walked in on them with the room smelling heavily of pot. Stan proceeded and opened the text message up, his curiosity getting the best of him.
From: Lucy <3
To: Kyle
I’m heading home now. I met someone today, she was really cool. I got to sing her creep by Radio Head, one of my favorite songs. Also Tolkien told her about wanting live performances at the party 🎉
I may do it! Just give me a list of your favorite songs too? Anyway goodnight 💤
Stan stared blankly at the phone. Was radio head’s creep Lucy’s favorite song and not Kyle’s like he had said. Did he only want to hear the song cause it reminded Kyle of her. Did he only grab his face closer because that song reminded him of her. Stan glared at the text message, he hated her. He hated how she could steal Kyle’s attention away like it was nothing. He hated the fact that she got his attention so quickly and he especially hated that Kyle would never look at him the way he looks at her.
The door creaked open as Stan quickly tossed the phone back to the spot it was and laid back down on the bed facing away from Kyle.
“Dude, you asleep already? I thought we were going to play some video games after you did some writing for your music?” Kyle mentioned as he just got silence. Kyle sighed as he started to rummage through his drawers for his pjs so he could at least get to sleep too. Stan gave a sideways glance and all he saw was Kyle’s back. He wanted to cry, he knew it could never happen and he hated the fact that today he got hope to the fact he might like him back.
Stan felt as the other side of the bed creaked as a warm body got next to his to sleep. It only took a little bit of time before Stan could hear Kyle’s deep breathing indicating that he was finally asleep. Stan turned to his side to just stare at his best friend teary eyed. It was only in these moments that he could truly see and watch his best friend without him knowing his dirty little secret.
If Kyle knew would he even want Stan to be this close. Would he never want to see him again if he truly knew how much he loved him. Stan never realized how deep his feelings for Kyle were until this week. Maybe he had loved him their whole lives. It would make sense of what Wendy had told him when they broke up.
Stan slowly lifted his hand to Kyle’s face as he gently with as light of touch as he could caressed his face. Why couldn’t his best friend be single again and be in love with him. It would save Stan from this heartbreak. He swears it’s worse than the times that Wendy and him had broke up. Stan removed his hand as he just stared at Kyle’s sleeping frame.
“I love you, Kyle. I wish I found out sooner.” Stan whispered as he turned back over so he wouldn’t be caught crying.
The night went by In a flash and the next morning Kyle was scrambling around getting dressed for school. Stan didn’t wake up till a jacket was thrown at him.
“Stan come on! We need to get to school.” Kyle exclaimed as Stan grunted in response. Stan wasn’t a morning person and he certainly wouldn’t be one now even if Kyle was the one waking him up.
“Dude! Do not make me jump on you.” Kyle shouted once more. That comment made Stan jump out of bed immediately. He would not be able to control himself if Kyle was that close to him. He barely controlled himself last night. He desperately wanted to kiss his best friend and it was a struggle to not just go for it.
“Alright! I’m up ok?” Stan yawned as he got dressed too, and then making his way downstairs with Kyle in towe.
The news was on when they walked down stairs with an announcement on the tv. Kyle and Stan grinned as they gave each other a look.
“No school today! Woohoo!” They yelled in unison as they high-fived. Stan couldn’t help but feel hot from the contact. His new feelings were making it so hard to be ok with being just friends.
The news had announced a water main break and had announced all schools and extra curriculars were canceled for Thursday and Friday. Stan figured the school decided to just close Friday as well to give them a longer weekend but he wasn’t complaining.
“Looks like we get to have a nice long weekend. We better enjoy it as long as we can.”
“Yeah, what would we wanna do?” Stan asked Kyle hopeful that they could hang out just them the next two days. He loved Kenny but he wanted alone time with his super best friend. Maybe it was the fact they hadn’t had time to themselves in a long time, but a part of him knew it was because he was hopeful that the more time he spends, the more Kyle may eventually return his feelings. Lucy be damned.
“I may actually hang with Lucy today and switch our date to today if that’s cool. That way we can have our usual Friday sleepover with the guys?” Kyle said as he ran back upstairs to grab his phone that he seemed to have forgotten when he dressed in haste.
“Oh that’s nice, I may continue to work on that song I was working on than today.” Stan sighed, he knew it would happen but he was happy that Kyle wanted to at least keep their sleepover Fridays planned. They never truly got to old for sleepovers, but Friday meant Cartman and Kenny would be there too. Cartman unfortunately was still apart of their group and so as long as he could remember he was at every sleepover.
Stan cringed as he remembered a few times waking up from sudden movement to see Cartman try and sneak into the same sleeping bag with Kyle or to do something else equally sneaky. Stan’s new found feelings for Kyle might be found out Friday. Before he was protective of Kyle sure and did call Cartman out for the shit he did. But Stan knew that he might be a bit worse if he see’s Cartman pulling that in front of him.
Stan cringed at the thought, grabbing his stuff quick before getting ready to head out.
“Kyle! I’ll see you later maybe.” Stan called not really wanting to stick around for a phone call between Lucy and Kyle discussing their date.
Stan stepped outside and rushed home without another word.