Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She just wanted to sleep.

She could have sworn that’s what started the whole thing.

If she had come into work that morning well-rested, rather than after yet another night spent desperately fighting for even a bit of slumber, Hailey wouldn’t have been so short with Kevin when he innocently asked her how she was holding up (the ‘without Jay’ was implicit) in the car on their way to a meetup. Her reflexes would have been more prepared when the corner boy they were talking to pulled a pistol out of his waistband. She would have responded more quickly when the purported drug dealer turned on his heel to evade them. She probably would have had less trouble keeping up with the foot chase. And once she followed Kevin and their offender into a laundromat full of civilians, she definitely wouldn’t have charged the guy head-on. Not when Atwater already had him cornered. Not when there was a mom shielding her two kids against the washing machines. Not when she vaguely heard her partner shouting at her to stand down.

And when the shot rang out, Hailey liked to think that a non-sleep-deprived version of herself would have been jolted back to reality. That as the bullet left the gun, striking nothing but a window since the force of her body into the guy’s torso changed the trajectory into one that fortunately turned out to be harmless, she might have recognized just how far from protocol her actions had been. This version of Detective Upton would have made quick work out cuffing their offender. She would have rapidly surveyed the scene to ensure security, to reassure the young children that they were safe. She would have checked in with her partner to verify that it was so.

Instead, the Hailey that did show up at work today just knelt, silently, with her knee between the shooter’s shoulder blades, staring daggers into his left ear and breathing heavily until Kevin knelt beside her and handcuffed the man himself. It wasn’t until he started to haul the guy to his feet that it entered her mind to get off him.

That was when she decided that something had to change. Unfortunately, it was a little too late.

Her rash actions put her in the hot seat with her entire team, and, try as she might, she could provide no justification for why she had responded in the way that she had.

Sleep, right? It had to be the sleep.

That’s what Hailey told herself when Atwater asked her what she had been thinking, unable to completely disguise the frustration from his voice. When Kim, not even trying to hide her own concern, asked if she was okay. (Why did people keep asking her that when the answer was always obviously a resounding ‘no?’) When Adam jokingly asked across the bullpen when tackling armed offenders became standard CPD protocol. When Voight called her into his office and made his displeasure about the entire incident known.

And then, when she finally left for the evening, hoping against hope that tonight might be the night that she could actually drop off for a few hours, Hailey realized that none of her team’s reactions had fazed her at all. Anger, confusion, delight… none of it meant anything anymore. All there was was her and her job and maybe her marriage, but in that moment, none of it seemed to matter. The marriage thing was up in the air. Maybe her job was on its way out, too. And if both of those were gone, would anything else be left of her?

Although she didn’t remember anything of the drive, she made it home in one piece. Took a shower to wash away the remains of the day. Slapped some peanut butter on a slice of bread as a pitiful attempt at a dinner, only for it to sit untouched after two bites. Scotch sounded like a better alternative.

She felt her mind calm down after her first glass and quickly poured another. She wanted to talk to Jay. She needed to talk to Jay. Even on a good day, she was still super confused about how exactly she felt about the state of their marriage. It was hard to justify his behavior, irritated her decades-old abandonment wound again and again every time she thought about it too hard. But underneath all her hurt and confusion and anger was the part of her that missed her best friend. Sometimes Hailey felt like she would be willing to put all the other complicated stuff aside if she could just have that part of him back.

Tonight felt like one of those times. So she pulled out her phone and called him. Maybe tonight would be one of their good conversations, where they could talk and laugh and she could feel grounded by their connection even from a different continent. At worst, it would give her additional fuel for the hurt or angry side of her so at least she could feel something.

But he didn’t answer. She shouldn’t be surprised, she really shouldn’t. And she knew it wasn’t personal, that his schedule and the time difference and spotty internet connections all played a factor. 

But it felt personal. It felt like a door slammed in her face when all she was looking for was a little connection. A sign that something in her life still meant anything. Maybe it was a sign, just not the one she had been hoping for.

Hailey finished her scotch in one swallow and made her way to their medicine cabinet. She eyed the melatonin Jay had bought for her the last time her insomnia had gotten bad. She hadn’t had the heart to tell him that it did her little good by that point and just made her feel dizzy. She shuffled around the cabinet until she found the Benadryl, took two before she could second guess herself and washed them down with water straight from the bathroom faucet.

Then she lay down and forced her mind to slow. But her body was tense and her face felt flushed. She turned the thermostat down and turned her fan on. Did a few jumping jacks to work the tightness out of her muscles. Tried to sleep again. Put on the white noise app on her phone. But then all she could think about was whether she would hear it ring over the static if Jay called her back. Had Jay called her back? She checked her notifications and tried not to be disappointed when she saw none.

This wasn’t working.

She got up and turned on the TV, but her brain was too wired for her to focus on it. She did a few laps around the apartment. Took two more Benadryl. That had to knock her out, right? At some point the chemicals would cause her body to just drop from exhaustion? Checked her phone again. Still nothing.

Rather than feeling drowsier as the night wore on, Hailey felt herself building into something nearing a panic. And as she made yet another lap around her apartment, she deviated her route to pick up her gun from its place in her nightstand. She found the coolness of the metal soothing, so she held onto it. And as she walked, the combination of her weapon in her hand and the turmoil in her head led her to consider another option to quiet the voices that had been haunting her all day.

Hailey wasn’t exactly a stranger to these thoughts. It was hard to grow up in an environment like she had and not at least consider it as a way to escape. But, fortunately for her younger self, she had always had at least one factor to keep her pressing on. Her love for her family and her hope for a happy future had always been enough to convince her that the pain would be worth it in the end. And for a while, even before they had become anything official, she had believed that Jay was that happy future. That he had been worth all the hurt she experienced before he came along.

What a fool she had been.

And now she was left even more desolate and confused than ever. If the same person that could make her so happy, so full, also could be the one to tear it all down again with a single choice, what was even the point? Why bother fighting for any degree of happiness if the despair that followed was sure to be even greater?

Hailey settled roughly on the couch and dialed his number again. She didn’t really know why she was bothering, but when she was connected to his voicemail once more, she knew she had her answer. She was calling to tell him goodbye.

“Hi, Jay, it’s me. I just wanted to tell you…” Her voice broke. Damn. She couldn’t cry. She had been practically simmering with unexpressed emotion all evening; why did it have to break through now? She tried to clear her throat to continue, but it was no use, so she continued with tears evident in her voice. “I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that what we had wasn’t enough for you, or too much, or whatever it was that drove you away. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed me to be. I hope… I hope that in the future you will be able to move on, and let yourself be happy. Please don’t blame yourself; I don’t blame you, Jay. I know you tried your best, but some people are just too broken to be fixed. I don’t want to hold you back anymore, but I’ll always love you, Jay. Please remember that. No matter what happens…”

It felt like both too much and not enough. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been your whole world within the confines of a four-minute voicemail? But if she let herself really delve into everything she wanted to say to him, she might never stop talking. She might talk herself out of doing what she knew needed to be done.

Hailey grasped her phone tightly in her right hand, her weapon in her left. Her two lifelines. She slid down from the sofa to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest as she let the rest of her tears fall. As some of the tension left her body in the form of gut-wrenching sobs, she wondered where the tears had been all day. Her mind was more at peace than it had been in weeks, now that she had made a decision. Why were her emotions fighting back all of a sudden?

She needed to do this. She wanted to do this. There was no other way forward. Right?

She needed another drink. She stood on shaky legs, panicking slightly when she realized that she couldn’t pour another drink with both of her hands occupied. Her phone and her gun were the only things keeping her tethered to the earth right now, keeping her thoughts in any semblance of control. After a brief internal debate, she put her weapon on the coffee table. And when she returned to her spot on the floor with her scotch, she left it there. It didn’t feel quite so important anymore.

Instead she held onto her tumbler for dear life. And, as she knew it would, the alcohol did soothe her frayed nerves, but it also dulled her determination. And the moment she allowed herself to acknowledge her doubt, she knew it was over. She would never be able to go through with it if there was even a little bit of hesitation. This realization led to a fresh round of tears, this time out of disappointment in herself. She had been so close. The relief she had been craving for weeks was right there and she was too much of a coward to see it through.

And now she was back at square one, exhausted and sleep-deprived and under the influence but still not able to sleep, and at a complete loss as to how to proceed.

She needed help.

She unlocked her phone once more, only this time, she had complete confidence that the person at the other end would answer.

“Torres.”

She could tell he had been asleep and he still answered on the first ring. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“Hailey… you okay?”

“No,” she managed to get out. “No, I’m not.”

She heard muffled sounds of movement from his end. “Where are you? Are you alone?”

“I’m home, by myself. It’s not…” She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to put his mind at ease, but they were past that point, weren’t they?

He beat her to the punch. “Are you safe? At home, by yourself?”

A lengthy pause followed his question before she could formulate any response.

“I don’t know.” 

“Okay, Upton, I’m on my way,” he answered. Hailey had never been more grateful for his quiet perception than she was in that moment. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to verbalize her predicament without completely disintegrating. “Are you okay to stay on the phone until I get there?”

It was the longest twenty-two minutes of Dante’s life driving to Hailey’s apartment. He wasn’t sure exactly what he would be walking into, how far down a rabbit hole she had gone before she reached out to him, but he was relieved that she stayed on the phone with him as he drove. She didn’t speak much, giving mostly monosyllabic responses to his questions, and she did give a chuckle when he commented about the sloth-like speed of the road construction outside of his neighborhood. But it was mostly her sniffling and occasional sighs that assured him Hailey was still with him as he drove.

She had been off today. That was for certain, but really she’d been varying degrees of ‘off’ ever since Jay left. Dante shook his head, still bewildered after all these months how a man could just up and leave his wife like that. Leave Hailey like that. He had looked up to Halstead, still really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (if for no other reason than for Hailey’s sake), but that was becoming harder with each passing week as Hailey seemed to be incrementally collapsing in on herself like a dying star.

Today had been clear evidence of that. She had grown more secluded and withdrawn over the past few weeks, but today she was flatout reckless. She was bouncing around the district like a bat out of hell, dismissive and distracted when various members of the unit tried to talk to her. Even Voight’s lecture, which was easily heard by the rest of the bullpen, barely seemed to touch her. She spent the rest of the afternoon scouring the financials of their offender, barely bothering to come up for air.

She may as well have been on another planet.

The message was loud and clear that what she wanted was alone time, so none of her coworkers pushed her too hard. Anyway, it had become more futile than not lately, trying to keep her engaged.

Torres slammed his steering wheel as he pulled onto her street. He should have tried harder. Should have seen the signs for what they were.

But she had reached out now, and that was something. He tamped down his own frustrations as he made his way to her front door, unsurprised to find it unlocked. It seemed her own safety was the furthest thing from her mind right now.

“Okay, Hailey, I’m here. I’m coming in, all right?”

Honestly, he was expecting a worse sight than what met him, but it still saddened him nonetheless. She was there, huddled on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, knees drawn to her chest and her head in her hands. Or rather, leaning against the objects she held in them. Hailey gripped her phone in one hand and a tumbler in the other, squeezing so tightly that her knuckles were blanched. Her hair was damp and hanging down to curtain her face. The vulnerability of her position combined with her striped pajama pants made her look so very young. And that made the presence of her gun, resting only a few inches from her head on the coffee table, even more jarring.

She still hadn’t looked up, but he moved slowly anyway. He had no idea where her head was, and the last thing he wanted was to spook her when she was obviously in the midst of a crisis.

“Hailey… you still with me, Upton?” He placed his phone and his own weapon on the kitchen counter as he made his way toward her.

Finally she moved, lowering her arms to her sides and nodding her head. Her eyes stayed glued to her kneecaps.

“Okay… you told me you weren’t sure if you were safe here by yourself, so I’m going to go ahead and move your gun, okay? I think that will help us both feel a little safer.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath from her as he removed the magazine from her weapon and placed them both next to his on the counter, but she didn’t say anything. He did another quick survey of the room, and, detecting no other obvious threats, moved to sit next to her on the floor, leaving a few feet of space between them.

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, and he used that time to take in her appearance. She was clearly disheveled, distraught for sure, but seemed unhurt. He took note that the glass she was holding was empty.

“How much alcohol have you had tonight?” He was careful to keep his voice even.

“Not enough,” she sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “I just want to sleep, Dante. I tried the scotch and I tried pills and I just got more wound up.”

“I can see that. But I want to help you, Hailey. I need to know how much you took so I know how to help you.”

“Really, Torres, not that much. Three scotches. Four Benadryl. Or maybe six? Either way, not enough to do me in.”

Her blunt terminology startled him momentarily, but then he decided to go with it. 

“And is that what you were trying? To do yourself in?” 

Hailey’s silence spoke volumes, and he suddenly felt inadequate for the job he had been called here to do. There was a strict protocol at work for how to handle civilians and offenders who were deemed at risk for self harm. But none of that was right for this situation, for Hailey. She didn’t call him as a cop, she called him as a friend. That was a different ball game entirely, and he felt out of his element. And he didn’t want to think that he was leaning towards calling his boss because he didn’t know what to do, but he also recognized that no matter what went down with Hailey tonight, he was going to have to tell Voight about it. May as well notify him now so Torres would have less explaining to do (and someone to help him make the right decision about what was best for Hailey right now).

Her small, scared voice interrupted his thought process. “I don’t know what to do, Dante.”

He wished Jay were here.

He sighed, and moved ever so slightly closer to her. “Listen, Hailey. You’re not alone, okay? I’m here, and I'm going to help you. I know you’re scared right now, and hurting, and probably a lot of other things. We don’t have to talk about it right now, but we do need to make a plan to keep you safe. I think you know that, and that’s why you called me. And I’m going to help you in any way I can, but I think it’s probably for the best that we bring the Sergeant in on this one, too.” 

He paused for a moment, sure she was going to protest involving their boss. But she said nothing, nodding reservedly after a minute for his words to sink in. Dante was surprised by her response, and a little frightened as well. Fierce, independent, strong Hailey Upton must really be suffering if she wasn’t going to push back on this, even a little. He breathed a sigh, half of relief, half of gratitude that she even had the frame of mind to call him for help when she was in such a state. She was depending on him, and he couldn’t let her down.

“Okay, I’m going to step over to get my phone. Why don’t you put these down?” As he moved to stand, he reached over and gently began to pry her fingers from where they were cemented around her glass. Once she realized his aim, she relaxed her grip so that he could remove the tumbler. He repeated the action with the other hand, setting her phone on the coffee table in front of her where minutes ago her loaded gun had sat. He did clock her peeking at the lock screen as it lit up from the motion, only to deflate slightly at the absence of notifications. 

It was only then did Dante wonder if she had spoken to Jay tonight. If something he said or did had pushed her over the edge.

That wasn’t for him to know, he reminded himself as he picked up his own phone and dialed his sergeant. He was still trying to figure out the best way to relay information like this when Voight answered.

“What’s going on, Torres? You caught a case?”

“Uh, no, sir. Not exactly. It’s Hailey.”

There was a beat of silence in which Dante was contemplating how to be accurate and succinct about the situation while still within Hailey’s earshot, but Voight must have gathered enough info from his tone of voice.

“I’ll be right there.”

Chapter Text

She couldn’t move.

She couldn’t think.

All Hailey wanted to do was sleep. Her body was aching for it, and now that Torres was here with her, just maybe her mind felt safe enough to succumb to it, as well. His arrival had calmed her much more than she would have guessed, and all of the adrenaline and urgency of her circumstance had fled much more rapidly than it had come on. She supposed that fact, combined with the effects of all the alcohol and antihistamines in her system, might finally be enough for her to get some damn sleep.

Part of her wanted to try it. To just get up and walk to her bed, tell Dante that she just needs to sleep it off and she would see him in the morning. But even in her dazed and dissociated state, Hailey knew that they were a little past that now. Even if she were able to convince Torres she was okay, Voight was involved now, and it would take a lot more to persuade him.

And what was the point of pretending anymore? Even if she got through a rough patch tonight, who’s to say there wouldn't be another one right behind it? In fact, that’s all she could really detect on her horizon, one bad night after another indefinitely for the foreseeable future. She didn’t want to do it anymore. She wasn’t sure she could.

She and Dante sat in silence, a mere few inches apart, but just the knowledge that he was here gave her some measure of solace. And his same quiet, dependable presence kept her from freaking out when she heard the distinct sound of her boss’s voice as he came through her front door.

“Gun?”

“It’s on the counter,” Torres answered him, “unloaded. Mine’s there, too.”

“Well, let’s make it three.”

Hailey was aware of movement, could tell exactly where her visitors were in her apartment by sound alone, but her hypervigilant state from earlier was gone. She pressed her forehead into her knees, wondering if it was too late to drown everything out. Those hopes were dashed when her sergeant’s deep tone brought her fully back to the surface once more.

“What’s going on, Hailey?”

He was kneeling to her right, only a few feet away. And despite the tense atmosphere in the room, his question came out casually, no differently than he had asked her a thousand times before. She wasn’t sure if it was his deceptively light tone, the complexities of the question, or simply the fact that she had been trained to always respond to a superior officer, but Hailey found herself looking up into Voight’s face and making eye contact with someone for the first time in what felt like forever. All her good intentions flew out the window, though, when she opened her mouth to give some kind of explanation and all that came out was a shaky sigh.

“Okay,” Voight answered with a sigh of his own. “All right, Hailey. We’re gonna figure it out. But let’s start by getting you off the floor, okay?”

She put up no fight as the two men carefully reached out to help her stand. Her muscles cried out as she changed positions; how long had she been sitting here? She had lost all concept of time, only knew it was still nighttime by the darkness outside her windows.

Hailey settled uneasily on the couch while Voight continued his assessment of her.

“When was the last time you ate? Or drank something besides scotch?”

She had a faint recollection of using her toaster earlier that evening. “Dinner,” she answered in a voice quiet and rough from disuse. 

“And water?”

Hailey shrugged. She felt pretty confident that she had consumed some at some point that day, but she didn’t have any specific memories to back it up.

“Okay, let’s get something in you to soak up all that alcohol. What else did you take?” Voight was all business, and something about that was calming to her, even though she was being interrogated like a suspect. Or a child.

“Just a few Benadryl. I couldn’t sleep,” she added as an afterthought, as though that would explain everything.

Voight stared at her. “How many is a few?”

“... four,” she answered, turning her eyes back to where her fingers kneaded together in her lap.

“You said it might have been six,” Dante added in from across the room.

“I’m pretty sure it was four. Six would have been too much.”

“Four was too much!” Voight exclaimed, finally showing some frustration over the events of the night. Or perhaps just of Hailey’s cavalier attitude towards them. “I’m not sure how you’re still awake and talking to us.”

That comment felt like a taunt to Hailey, who would give her right arm to be sleeping right now. Maybe she should have taken six.

Before she could put too much thought into it, a glass of cold water was shoved unceremoniously into her hands, and she was instructed to drink. When she finished, a plate of scrambled eggs and toast replaced it. She had no desire to eat, and the eggs felt like rubber going down, but she did it anyway. None of her decisions tonight had led to anything good, and she felt like she couldn’t trust herself. If Voight told her to eat, then she would eat.

However, it turned out that Voight also had some other suggestions. And they might be even more difficult to see through than unsavory eggs.

She held an empty plate in her lap, though her fingers had resumed their fidgeting as she was absentmindedly picking at her cuticles, when Voight took a seat on the coffee table directly in front of her.

“All right, Hailey, I know you’re probably still three sheets to the wind, but I need you to be straight with me. Okay? Torres called me because he was concerned about you, and I am, too. We want to help you, but we-”

He was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. Hailey’s phone. And although she would have been elated to see Jay’s name on her screen only a few hours ago, now it caused her to completely freeze.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He wasn’t supposed to know how much she was hurting. Hailey never would have said the things she left on his voicemail unless she thought that was the last time she was going to talk to him. She had been so sure of her path forward when he hadn’t answered, before she called Dante, and now nothing had happened and she was still here and surely Jay was panicking because even if they weren’t together, he wasn’t a sociopath and she didn’t want him to panic about something that didn’t happen but she wasn’t exactly in any state to put his mind at ease, either, and she wanted to hear his voice and she was terrified and mortified and so very confused.

It was a small relief when Voight reached down and picked up the phone, absolving her of having to be the one to answer it, but it did little to diminish her anxiety about what was going to come out of the other end of the line. He waited a moment, giving her a chance to object, but she said nothing so Voight pressed ‘Accept’ while Hailey hoped that the ground would open up and swallow her.

“Hey, Halstead… no, she’s okay. Well, not really okay, but she’s safe… Yeah, she’s right here with me… I’m kind of gathering that… I know. Listen, I know. We’re here with her, Torres and me, and I promise you she is safe. And we’re going to keep it that way… I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now. She’s had a long day and she’s exhausted. Not sure she’s up to talk just yet… Hold on.”

Hailey took in a sharp breath as Voight pulled the phone away from his ear and addressed her. “He wants to talk to you, Hailey, really wants you to hear what he has to say. You okay if I put him on speaker for a minute?”

She nodded feebly, suddenly feeling like her head was floating on an open sea. Voight held the phone face up on his knee as Hailey’s favorite sound, her husband’s voice, scratchy with distance and bad connections and undeniably some emotion of his own, came through the tiny speaker on the phone. It wasn’t loud, not substantial at all. But it managed to reach every corner of their desolate apartment and all the tired and achy crevices in her soul, too.

“Hailey, listen to me: I love you. I love you so, so much, and I am so sorry that I have ever made you question that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t answer earlier, and I am really sorry that you’ve been struggling so much by yourself, that I didn’t see it… Man, Hailey, there are so many thoughts bouncing around my head, and so much that I want to say to you, but I know this isn’t really the time so I just want you to know that I love you. Okay? You, and what we had, was never not enough for me. I’ve done a really crappy job of showing you, lately. But that’s going to change, all right? I’m going to prove it to you, Hailey. You’re not alone. I know it feels like that, probably a lot right now, but you’re not. I love you, okay? I love you…”

He was hoping she would say it back. It was clear as day, but hearing his declaration after everything else in the last 24 hours might have been what finally broke her. Her lips wouldn’t work, but she did manage a small nod, the slightest acknowledgement that she heard his proclamations. Whether or not she could believe them was a different story.

“She heard you.” Voight had the phone back up to his ear now. “I think so. I’ve got to make some calls, but I think that would be for the best… You can do that?... I mean, sure, you do what you gotta do, but I want you to understand that we’re gonna be here looking out for her… Yeah, I just don’t wanna be court-martialed, you know?... Okay, keep in touch. And I know me telling you not to worry ain’t gonna do anything, but don’t worry too much, okay? We got her.”

It was quiet. Far too quiet to feel comfortable, especially in an emergency room setting, where Hank was accustomed to lots of shouting and alarms going off and just general chaos. But he supposed four in the morning was about as slow as an ED got, especially since he was careful to select one that was not frequented by CPD personnel. That meant a smaller one without a trauma center, so it made sense that it would lack the noise that accompanied bad car wrecks or gunshot wounds.

No, their emergency was a different kind entirely.

After Jay had called, what little energy Hailey had left seemed to fly out the window, leaving her nearly catatonic. He wasn’t surprised, based on the almost empty bottle of scotch on her counter and her own report that she had taken more antihistamines than was safe for someone in her state. It wasn’t explicitly clear what her intentions had been that night, whether this was a planned act of self harm or just a dangerous spiral nastily complicated by the substances she was using to self-medicate. But it was pretty damn clear that she needed help. The kind of help that was way beyond his scope of expertise.

His brief conversation with Halstead only confirmed his suspicions. Whatever words Hailey had left on his voicemail had scared him. Jay’s audible relief when Hank had reassured him that she was safe told him that her husband was worried that she was going to do something harmful, or at the very least impulsive and stupid. And when, after he was able to give some comforting words to Hailey, even though she was too dazed to respond, Jay’s first question was about getting her to a hospital, Hank knew that was the only course of action at this point.

And though the situation was urgent, he still took the time to make some calls, do a little digging about the best place to take a police detective experiencing a crisis in the middle of the night; a place that fit her needs, that would protect her dignity and privacy, that wouldn’t absolutely overwhelm her, that wasn’t too far away - he had promised Jay that he was going to keep a close eye on her in his stead, which apparently wouldn’t be for too long, since Halstead said he was going to book a flight home as soon as he could.

And once he found the right place, Hank had to get Hailey there. His years of training and experience gave him a wealth of words and phrases to de-escalate nearly any situation, but he didn’t need them here. She didn’t fight him at all, nodded numbly when he told her they needed to go. He wasn’t sure she would be physically able to get to his SUV, but once she stood, her gait seemed almost as purposeful as always. If he didn’t know Hailey Upton any better, he would have thought she was happy to go.

He had sent Torres home to catch a few hours of sleep so their unit wouldn’t be completely depleted in the morning. And once the ED staff finished their initial workup of Hailey, Hank convinced them to waive their normal procedure of having a staff member monitor her at all times for her safety, promising that he would be with her instead. They put up more of a fight than he would have guessed - “hospital policy” - but when he made the argument that surely a trained police sergeant with documented observational skills and an established relationship with the patient would be more reliable than a random, overworked, underpaid hospital employee, they finally relented. 

Now, as he sat observing her in the tiny ED room, he wouldn’t pick ‘happy’ as his first choice to describe her, but it was undeniable that she seemed relieved. Definitely more relaxed than he had seen her in weeks. In fact, a lesser-trained observer might have assumed she was sleeping, but Voight knew her better than that. Despite her exhaustion, she was still restless; not in a tossing and turning kind of way, but it was evident in the way the fingers of her left hand incessantly rubbed at the wrist on her right, the twitching of her eyelids as they fought desperately against the harsh hospital lights.

They were waiting for the on-call psychiatrist to come assess Hailey. The emergency staff had moved quickly to have her seen, but even they were ill-equipped to determine just what this situation called for. So they placed her in a safe room and hooked her up to some IV fluids (regardless of what was going on in her mind, there was no question that she was dehydrated), and now they just had to wait. At last, a knock on the door admitted a harried young man who introduced himself as a Dr. Rosen, and Hank stepped out of the room to allow them some privacy.

It wasn’t ten minutes later that the man stepped out again. He nearly brushed by Hank, but he stopped the doctor before he could get too far.

“So what’s the verdict, doc?”

Dr. Rosen sighed, eyeing his badge before responding, “Was she involved in a crime, Officer? Usually the cops don’t stick around once they dump people here.”

“It’s Sergeant. And no, nothing like that. I’m here as a concerned coworker, as the young lady you were just talking to is also police. And I’m not asking for specifics or you to violate confidentiality or anything. I just want to know what the plan is going forward.”

“Well,” the doctor began reluctantly, “truthfully, she is kind of borderline for meeting criteria for involuntary admission. My main concern is that she lives alone and has access to a firearm. With the sleep deprivation and all the alcohol in her system, it’s hard to say how much is the cause and how much is the effect, you know? I think the safest thing would be to admit her, place her into observation for 24 hours, and then go from there. She was agreeable with that plan, so we’re going to admit her under voluntary status.”

Hank let out a deep sigh, partially of relief and partially in recognition of the steep climb Hailey had ahead of her, as he made his way back into the cubicle. He was supposed to be watching her, after all, though he was more confident now that she wouldn’t do anything to hurt herself. Even in her distressed state, her anguish, she was making the right decisions: she reached out, she called for help, and she was fully cooperating with everything they asked of her now.

He didn’t say anything to her; she was still minimally interactive, whether that was avoidance or trying to rest, he couldn’t really say. But Hank did reach out and rest his hand gently on her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before withdrawing it and taking a seat once more. He pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jay.

All good in the ED. They’re going to admit her and she agreed to it, so it’s voluntary for now. I’ll stay with her until they take her upstairs. She’s in the right place, Jay. They’re going to get her the help she needs. She’ll be okay.

Okay, good. That’s good. She’s probably so freaked out right now. I’m glad you’re there with her, Hank. I wish it were me, but… Anyway, I was able to get a flight out of Quito later today. On my way there now and set to arrive at O’Hare tomorrow morning.

And the military is okay with that? I’m not going to have to arrest you as soon as you land, am I?

Ha, no. Technically, I’m with them as a private contractor so they have much less control. And I’m nearing the end of my commitment anyway, and since I already extended once, they owe me. I’ll touch base with you once I land; I really want to see her but it sounds like it may not work out that way right away. Will you please tell her I love her? To just be strong and hold on a little bit longer.

This is what I get for relaxing my ‘no relationships within the unit’ policy…

It wasn’t long at all, once the decision was made, before an orderly brought a wheelchair in, ready to whisk Hailey away to the inpatient psychiatric unit. And for the first time all night, Voight saw something akin to fear flash across her eyes as she sat up for the nurse to remove her IV.

“Hey,” he got her attention, putting his hands on her shoulders, before she climbed into the wheelchair, “listen to me, Upton. I know you’ve still got a few brain cells awake up there so I want you to listen to me, okay?” 

She nodded.

“You are going to get through this. Okay? Whatever it is that led you to this point tonight, you are going to figure it out. And you’re not going to do it alone, all right, because the team is behind you, and Jay is catching a flight as we speak. I know everything feels big and scary and impossible right now, but it’s not always going to feel like this. I need you to remember that.”

Hank prided himself in being a man of few words, but these didn’t seem like enough. He felt the need to keep going, to spew so many affirmations at Hailey that she had no choice but to remember them. But the orderly was waiting and she was drained and it was unlikely she would remember much about this conversation anyway. So he gave her arms one last reassuring squeeze before she took an enormous breath, letting it out slowly as she moved from the gurney into the wheelchair.

Hank followed them into the hallway, watched them until they turned a corner out of view, and even then stared at the empty corridor for several moments. He dragged a hand down his face, finally allowing himself to acknowledge just how shaken he was by the events of the night. This wasn’t the first time in his career that a fellow officer had been pushed to the brink, and he doubted it would be the last. But he never would have guessed it would be Hailey. It would take him both hands to count all the traumatic things she had endured, on the job and off, that barely seemed to impact her. She just put her head down and muddled through. Now, though, it seemed, maybe that was less about her resilience and more about denial. And one could only suppress such ugly things for so long before they were bound to catch up.

No one was above it. Not Hailey. Not him. No one.

Voight turned around and made his way out of the sleepy emergency department. It was nearing dawn, and he had a squad to manage. He wasn’t going to let anyone else slip through the cracks. Not on his watch. 

Chapter Text

When Hailey woke up, she felt like she was having one of the worst hangovers of her life. Her head was pounding, her mouth felt like cotton, and her entire body felt cloaked in a haze that really should have lifted by now. She moaned as she turned over in bed, hand reaching out for her phone to figure out just how long she had been sleeping. But instead of her nightstand, her fingers encountered the unforgiving surface of a cinder-block wall.

Oh. Right.

She wasn’t in her own bed, not even in her apartment. While her sleepy mind slowly reminded her of how she ended up on this small, stiff mattress with a cheap polyester blanket instead of her warm duvet, she was aware of the fact that she should be more bothered by the whole situation. But she couldn’t bring herself to care about that right now because she had slept. There were many things she had been craving last night, but a good night’s rest seemed the easiest to attain. Maybe that’s why its elusiveness irritated her so much. Or maybe it was just a straw that broke the camel’s back. Either way, Hailey was grateful that she had been able to address that obstacle. She had a suspicion there were many more behind it, and she doubted they were going to be as easy to overcome.

Not that the sleep itself had been easy. She knew it was unlikely to happen as they waited in the emergency room, as her stress levels spiked as soon as she walked in the door. Hearing the nurses so casually throw around terms like ‘suicide’ and ‘unstable’ and ‘crisis intervention’ made her self-conscious about how the people around her were perceiving her, how that might impact their treatment of her. And then, once she was given a room and moment to catch her breath, Voight sat there watching her like a hawk. How anyone could be expected to relax in such a situation, she would never know.

And if Hailey had expected to have time to rest once she was admitted to the secured unit, she would have been wrong. The intake process was long and intensive, despite the early morning hour, and it reminded her of prison, truth be told. The nurse had instructed her to remove all her personal clothes, replacing them instead with scrubs that seemed to be made of little more than paper. All of her jewelry had to come off, and it went in a plastic bag with her cell phone. Removing her wedding ring had been difficult. Hailey had thought about taking it off more than once lately, wondering if it still meant anything when her husband was nowhere to be found. But the action always felt too decisive, too final, and having to remove it now, in her current circumstances, made her feel like her insides were trying to escape.

And while there was no invasive strip search, there were plenty of invasive questions about how she felt, for how long, if she had plans or intentions or means of hurting herself or others. Hailey tried to be honest, knew there was no point in being here if she wasn’t going to be open about what had gotten her here. But as the questions wore on, they started to feel repetitive, and she was struggling to focus on what they were asking her.

At last, the intake nurse seemed to take pity on her and wrapped things up. It was after sunrise by then, and some of the other patients had already woken up and were in the common area just beyond the cubicle where Hailey was situated. So it came as a huge relief when the nurse asked her if she wanted some time in her room to rest.

They wouldn’t give her anything for sleep, not after everything she had already taken that night, but they did offer her something for anxiety. Hailey hesitated to take it, but the nurse explained to her that it would help to quiet her mind; her body was already plenty worn out, so maybe the combination would be enough to get her the rest she needed.

So Hailey swallowed the pill before being shown to a room that resembled a poorly-furnished dorm more than any hospital room she had ever seen. She could tell that the bed was going to be a piece of garbage, but it was a bed, so it was good enough for her. The nurse said something about the door not locking and someone coming to check on her every fifteen minutes and keeping her hands visible above the covers, but it mostly went in one ear and out the other as every cell in her body was yearning to collapse into the bed.

She was grateful, now that she was coming back into consciousness, that it had worked. Maybe that nurse had known what she was talking about.

Hailey slowly sat up, mindful of her aching head. There was nothing in the room to indicate what time it was except for the complete darkness showing through the small windows near the ceiling. As much as she could tell, the bed across from her remained unoccupied, so at least she had a room to herself, for now.

She was just swinging her feet out of the bed when she heard the door open and saw a silhouette of someone, presumably whichever staff member was responsible for checking on her to make sure she was still alive. She squinted against the light, trying to make out the details of the person who had probably been keeping tabs on her all night.

“Well, hello, sleeping beauty!” Whoever it was sounded irrationally perky. “I was starting to think you might not ever wake up.”

“Yeah, that was the plan,” Hailey muttered, uncertain as the words left her lips how seriously she meant them. Then she cleared her throat and asked more loudly, “What time is it?” 

“It’s a quarter to eleven; you’ve been out for almost fifteen hours. Normally, the doctors don’t take kindly to someone sleeping the day away, but we figured you could use it. How are you feeling now?”

Hailey weighed the question for a moment before responding. “Groggy. And thirsty.”

The lady answered, “Well, we can do something about that second one. Why don’t you come on out here and we’ll get you some water, and something to eat, too.”

She led Hailey down the hall to the now empty common area, where she placed a styrofoam cup of water and a few packs of graham crackers on one of the tables. Hailey picked up the cup and downed the water in one go. The nurse cracked a little smile as she turned to get her another. When she came back, she surprised Hailey by sitting down at the table across from her.

“It’s nice to officially meet you, Hailey. I’m Patrice.”

“Nice to meet you, Patrice.” She reached across the table to shake the nurse’s hand. “I guess I don’t have to introduce myself to you, since you already know my name. And probably all about why I’m here.”

Patrice shrugged. “Eh. I’ve been doing this job a long time, and one thing I’ve learned is that there is a lot more to people than whatever it is that winds them up in a place like this. Like, for example, I know that you took enough to sedate an elephant last night. And that your friend found you with a loaded gun. But I have to imagine there is a lot more to your story before all of that happened.”

Hailey hummed in acknowledgement, breaking off a piece of graham cracker and putting it in her mouth. It was dry and sharp, definitely not what she would have chosen. She thought of the eggs she had worked to get down the night before (Who had made her eggs? Dante? Voight?). She wondered if she was ever going to enjoy eating again, or if even the basic human pleasure of a good meal had been taken from her.

How was it possible to wake up from a fifteen-hour nap and still feel so depleted?

“Why don’t you tell me about your family?” Patrice wasn’t going to let this go.

She swallowed before answering, but the lump in her throat felt much bigger than the cracker she was trying to eat.

“Not much to say. It’s just my husband and me. And he’s gone.” But he’s coming back, a voice in her head reminded her. She didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Okay, all right, so I’m assuming that was someone else who showed up at visiting hours for you tonight? Handsome guy, such a nice deep voice, but he did seem a little old for you…”

Hailey couldn’t suppress a little snort at that notion. “Uh, no, definitely not my husband. That’s my boss. And I didn’t know he was coming to see me.”

“I’m sure he wanted to check up on you. It can be really difficult for friends and family when a loved one is having a hard time; that’s why we have visiting hours every night. It can be really helpful for all involved. But when we told him you were sleeping, he was relieved. And I’m not sure we would have been able to wake you if we tried.”

Hailey gave a weak smile to Patrice’s joking recollection of the story. She could tell that she was trying to maintain some levity while also attempting to probe on more sensitive topics. Hailey hated feeling like she was being manipulated, like she was supposed to be tricked by a sarcastic remark into spilling her deepest secrets. But oddly, it didn’t quite feel like that with Patrice. It was more like she was working to smooth out a few of the rough edges of a conversation that would surely have drawn blood otherwise.

“Yeah,” she agreed, “I’m not sure I’m up to any visitors just yet.”

Patrice didn’t push anymore, and when Hailey made her way back to her sad little room, she was pleasantly surprised to feel her muscles relaxing into the mattress without any effort at all. She didn’t have her fan, or her white noise app, or a weighted blanket. But she had a bed, and for tonight, that might be enough.

The little ‘ding’ of the seatbelt sign turning off, Jay decided, had to be up there with one of the best noises in the world. Like the pistol signaling the beginning of a race, entire planes full of people would jump out of their seats at the sound, eager to stretch their legs or make their connection or see their loved ones.

Unfortunately, only two of the three applied to him since he still had one more leg of his journey now that he was in the Northern Hemisphere, and he wasn’t sure when he would be able to see Hailey even after he landed in Chicago. And since his layover in Atlanta was over an hour, he had no reason to hurry to be one of the first off the plane. He refused to be one of those people blocking the aisle, so he jiggled his leg up and down as a way to expel his anxiety as he waited for his turn to deplane.

It had been a long night.

He had never been great at sleeping on planes, and with his brain in overdrive worrying about Hailey, he didn’t even attempt it tonight. Instead, he spent the first hour of the flight listening to the voicemail Hailey had left him last night, over and over again. He didn’t know why. Part of it was listening for clues, trying to convince himself that she didn’t mean what he had interpreted, even though he knew that wasn’t true. He tried to pick up on hidden messages, see if she referenced a specific day or incident that made her decide to call it quits. But it was useless. Jay eventually had to acknowledge that the only reason to keep listening was to punish himself. 

But then, he had to agree that was plenty enough reason. Because this was all his fault.

He’d had his reasons for leaving, and had known how much his decision was going to hurt her. But he knew something had to change, that if they stayed on the track they were on when he left, he would end up hurting her in a much deeper way. Jay was convinced of that. And it was easy for him to see now that, although his rash decision had been right for him, there were other ways he could have gotten the ball rolling that didn’t involve leaving the country.

But he had been scared. And the intensity of his disgust when he realized how far from center he had strayed called for an equally drastic response. That sort of split-second decision-making had been what made him a good soldier, and a good police officer - when his instincts were right. When they were wrong, though, he had a tendency to spin out in a spectacular way. He couldn’t risk that with Hailey, so he surmised that going at it alone would be the safest course of action. He had been in survival mode, which caused him to be incredibly short-sighted, and now Hailey was paying for it.

He had really thought she would be able to handle it. She wasn’t the kind of woman to waste away yearning for a man. Even as close and in sync as they were, they had never approached anything close to codependence. Jay had known the separation would be difficult, but he never had any doubt that she could deal with it. She had been fine without him for years before they met; how hard could eight more months be?

It hadn’t taken long for Jay to realize how faulty that logic was. Communication had been tricky from the moment he set foot on base. Between the excessive security measures, the less-than-reliable connections, and an unpredictable schedule, getting through to each other even once a week proved a difficult feat. He missed her so much, but he forced himself not to dwell too much on that during their conversations because it would be a downer. So he tried to keep it light, superficial. Nothing that would make her worry. Nothing that would hint how hard this assignment was for him. She was what kept him going, what made the whole endeavor worth it, so he strove to be strong for her.

Only, it seemed, she had been doing the exact same thing. And it turned out she was a lot better than he was at faking it, because he had no idea just how low she had fallen.

Jay was pulled out of his thoughts by the opening of space in the aisle before him. At last, it was his turn to stand and make his way out of the aircraft. Despite the early hour, the international terminal was full of life, and he was glad that he had packed so lightly as he got in line for customs.

He took full advantage of the vast airport to work out some of his nervous energy as he found his way to the gate for his connecting flight. Seeing the word ‘Chicago’ on the monitor filled him with a relief he had been seeking for over 24 hours. He was close now. But what was going to happen once he landed? What was he even going to say to her? Every promise he had ever made to her seemed meaningless if she was still alone during her darkest hours. Whatever she had once believed about their relationship had been decimated in his absence, and Jay had no idea how to even begin putting it back together again.

And that was assuming he would be able to talk to her at all. He didn’t even know where Voight had taken her, and he knew security was strict at some of those places. Would he be allowed to visit? Would she want him to?

Jay ran a hand down his face. There were so many unanswered questions. And as much as he hated to admit it, he could do little about it now. What he could do was make sure he was at his absolute best when he arrived, so he meandered through the terminal looking for a place to get some breakfast and a very strong coffee.

Six a.m. That meant it was still five in Chicago. What was Hailey doing right now? Hopefully sleeping, but that wasn’t a given for her, even on a normal day. At home, when she woke up early, she would do yoga. Or read. Or scroll on her phone looking at real estate listings they could never afford. Or even sometimes clean the apartment. Jay guessed most of those weren’t options wherever she was right now. He said a silent prayer that whatever she was doing, she would sense his love for her from across the miles. That it might fortify her with the courage to get up and fight another day.

It wasn’t much, but it was all he could do right now. So he focused his energy on thinking positive thoughts, and it got him through the remaining time until he boarded his flight, feeling thankful that he was at last on board the vessel that was going to get him to Chicago.

To Hailey.

Hang on, Hailey. I’m coming. I’m on my way.

Chapter Text

When Hailey awoke for good the next morning, it was to a much busier atmosphere than the one she had encountered overnight. At first, she tried to drown out the noise from beyond the closed door and rolled back over to doze off again. But even if she could still sleep after doing nothing else for nearly an entire day, she knew the hospital staff wouldn’t let her. Patrice had told her as much last night. Besides, her mind felt sharper than it had in recent memory, a clear sign that her insomnia had been at least temporarily defeated. That, and that all the substances in her system had finally worn off.

And the gravity of her situation felt a lot heavier when she analyzed it with a sober head. She had faced the first part of this predicament cloaked by a numbness that made the whole thing tolerable, but now she was aware of a plethora of emotions bubbling in her chest: embarrassment, fear, anger, confusion, doubt. It all balled together to form a lump of anxiety that settled right behind her throat.

She didn’t want to leave her room. She had no idea what kind of people she would encounter when she stepped out there. It was possible that the other patients were dangerous, maybe even criminals that she had interacted with before, and she felt incredibly vulnerable without her weapon. Not to mention that she was dressed in flimsy paper scrubs that hardly felt like clothing; she hadn’t even been allowed to keep her own undergarments.

How was this supposed to help her? If anything, she felt more lost and alone than ever.

That didn’t last long, because the next time an aide came in (those fifteen minute checks were outrageous; were they ever going to let up?) she coaxed Hailey out to the common area for breakfast. Attendance at meals was mandatory, she explained, though whether she ate or not was up to her. The aide also made a point to direct Hailey to a paper sign on the wall that listed out the daily schedule for the unit: Morning check-in. Group counseling. Individual therapy. Art therapy. Visiting hours.

While she tried to get down a few bites of breakfast (It was bland but not completely unpleasant, though the coffee left a lot to be desired), Hailey took the opportunity to observe the other patients around her as they, one by one, got called back to the little cubicle at the nurses’ station for morning check-in, whatever that was. She estimated there were about fifteen others, a complete variety of age, gender, and race. Only three others besides her were wearing the ridiculous scrubs. None of them pinged her radar as being immediate threats. No odd looks or intimidating remarks. So maybe this wasn’t exactly like prison.

Once she had enough of her breakfast, Hailey returned the tray to the cart like she witnessed the others do (and where another aide now counted to make sure all three pieces of plastic silverware were returned with it) and was called back for her check-in. The nurse checked her temperature and her blood pressure before rolling through a list of questions: how was she feeling today? Was she having any thoughts about hurting herself?

“Not really,” Hailey answered truthfully.

The nurse eyed her over her glasses. “What does that mean?”

“Um, just, that I haven’t really thought about it since I’ve been here. It seems like you guys are pretty determined to prevent it, so it’s not going to happen even if I want it to, right?”

The nurse leaned back in her chair. “What about if you were home? If the doctor said you were good to go home today, would you be thinking about it then?”

How was she supposed to predict hypotheticals? “It’s hard to say, but probably. But thinking about it is a lot different than actually doing it, right?”

“Yes, yes, it is,” the nurse responded, her attention now turned from Hailey to her chart in front of her. “Okay, let’s see… you’re not on any meds?”

“I take melatonin sometimes when I can’t sleep.”

“But no prescriptions? Nothing for anxiety?”

Hailey shook her head, and the nurse made a disapproving grunt before dismissing her.

“Wait,” she asked before she returned to the common area, “How come some of the other patients are wearing regular clothes?”

“Because they are on level three or below,” the nurse answered as if Hailey had any idea what that meant. “You were a level four when you came in, but I think your responses today can safely put you at a three, which means you’re no longer having active thoughts or intentions to harm yourself or others. So if you have someone who can bring you some clothes without strings, belts, or laces, we can get you out of those scrubs, too.”

She smiled at Hailey before dismissing her once more.

Jay took a deep breath as he stepped outside the airport into the Chicago air for the first time in months. Fuel exhaust. Humidity. A faint aroma of cooked onions. Yep, he was definitely back home. 

While he stood there taking in the city, gathering his thoughts, and working to calm his nerves, several cabs passed by. He figured that was as good an option as any, uncertain if he still had access to his and Hailey’s joint Uber account. He still didn’t really have a plan, but he flagged one down and gave the driver the address of the 21st District. Reconvening with Voight was probably the best place to start.

Jay wasn’t thrilled that Hank was his contact point, or that he was involved in this at all, really. There had been a lot of animosity between the two men at various points in their shared history, and stepping away from the job helped Jay to see just how much blame he assigned to his former boss. Some for himself, but a good bit on Hailey’s behalf, too. In some ways, they were a lot alike, all three of them, with a strong devotion to the job, blind loyalty, and a firm belief in justice. And Jay could cite specific instances where that had gotten each of them in trouble. He had tried fervently to find a balance, sticking with the job for years before he realized just how much it was consuming him. He had managed to find his way out, once he came to the realization that Voight was simply too far gone to be helped. Hailey, it seemed, dangled precariously in between the two.

That was the main reason he didn’t like the idea that Voight had stepped in and filled his role when Hailey needed help; he seemed like the last person who she should be turning to at that moment. But if there was one thing about Voight, it was that he was going to do whatever it took to keep his team safe. So, his personal feelings aside, Jay knew that Voight was going to act in Hailey’s best interest. At least in the immediate aftermath. What came next was anyone’s guess.

The familiar sight of the district loomed before him far before he was ready to face it, but Jay knew it had to be done. The sooner he figured out exactly what was going on with Hailey, the sooner he could see her. The sooner he could tell her everything was going to be okay.

He hadn’t even thought of his first obstacle, which came in the form of one Sergeant Trudy Platt manning the desk, spotting him before he even properly entered the building.

“Do my eyes deceive me? That can’t be our long-lost Detective Halstead gracing us with his presence. I would have spruced the place up a bit if I knew someone so important was coming by today!”

Jay couldn’t help but smile a bit and shake his head at her antics. “Hi, Trudy. Sorry I didn’t give you a heads up. I guess I thought maybe Voight would have told you I was coming into town.”

“Voight? See now, I would have thought maybe your little wife would have informed me of such events before Voight would. But, wait, she’s not even here this week. Jay Halstead, did you travel across land and sea without even telling Hailey you were coming home?”

Jay took a beat before answering her. “Trudy, do you not know?” he asked quietly.

“Know what?”

“Where Hailey is.”

Now Platt was looking as perplexed as he felt. “No, Hank just told me that she was taking furlough for a week or so. Why, what’s going on? Is Hailey okay?”

“She’s… why don’t you buzz me up? I really need to talk to Voight. So do you.”

In all the time Jay had to worry on the plane, it never occurred to him that the rest of Hailey’s team was in the dark about what was going on. Voight had said Torres was with them at the apartment that first night, so Jay had assumed that it was discussed among the members of Intelligence. But if Trudy Platt didn’t know, there was no way anyone in the district did. She would have been able to suss it out of Ruzek or Burgess in an instant, and probably even Atwater, too. But it just so happened that the two people who knew the truth were the ones with the best poker faces.

Maybe that’s why Hailey had called them.

The excitement that met him at the top of the stairs confirmed his suspicion. There were hugs and exclamations of surprise and digs about how terrible he looked before the officers realized the tone of the visit was a somber one.

“What’s going on, you guys? What’s wrong?” Kim asked when she noted the look of concern on Platt’s face.

“Yeah, Hank, what’s going on?” Trudy asked, craning her neck beyond the officers to address Voight where he stood in the doorway of his office. “Halstead seemed to be under the impression that I would know something about Upton’s whereabouts.”

Voight raised an eyebrow as he answered, “I told you what you needed to know. Nice to see you, Jay.”

“Hank…” Platt’s tone was threatening in response.

“Is Hailey okay?” Adam asked.

Jay caught Voight’s eyes. He could appreciate that the man was working to protect Hailey’s privacy, but he saw no way that this could stay hidden forever. He turned his eyes to where Torres sat at his desk, but his face, like always, gave nothing away.

He looked to Voight once more. “Look man, they’re going to find out eventually…”

“Find out what?!?” Adam demanded, as Voight bowed his head in acquiescence. He caved, but he wasn’t going to be the one to tell them. That job fell to Jay.

“Look, you guys… she’s okay, from what I hear, or at least she’s safe,” he amended, recalling Hank’s emphasis on the word the other night, “but Hailey’s in the hospital. She almost ate her gun the other night.”

Kim let out a gasp of surprise, while Kevin uttered a quiet “damn” under his breath. But Adam and Trudy both remained quiet at the news. Ruzek stood with his hands clasped together behind his head. His body was rigid, but his eyes were glassy as they stared off. Trudy, on the other hand, leaned heavily against Kevin’s desk, and she didn’t hesitate at all once Atwater stood to offer her his chair. 

“What do you mean, ‘almost?’” Kim asked, her voice quivering. “Like… she was serious?”

“I think she was.” Everyone turned toward Torres as he finally spoke. “But she was scared. And drunk. But it was loaded and she had it right in front of her.”

“You knew?” Adam asked. “Wait, were you with her?”

“She called me. I knew she had a really rough day, and she sounded bad. My instincts told me to get over there. So I did.”

“Thank God,” Atwater said.

“Yes, Torres did exactly the right thing,” Voight said. “And so did Hailey. They both did precisely what I want any of you to do if you’re ever in the same way: you. call. for. help. You reach out, to me, or Trudy, or each other, and we'll help you out, no matter what. And I will take every measure I can to keep it quiet within the CPD. That’s why I didn’t exactly make a grand announcement, because this isn’t my story to tell, and I don’t want the higher-ups catching wind of information that they don’t need to know and can use against her if they so desire. But Jay’s right, I think it would have come to light with each of you at some point anyway. And if having the team in her corner helps Upton out while she figures all this out, all the better. But it is a sensitive topic, and I trust that the information goes no further than this room.”

His speech was met with solemn nods all around.

“Okay. Hailey is in the best place for her right now, so the best way to help her is for you four to do your jobs, the right way, so that Intelligence doesn’t draw any unnecessary heat. As for you two,” he pointed to Jay and Platt, “why don’t you step into my office and we can get our ducks in a row.”

Jay nodded, ready to finally hear some specifics about how to get in touch with his wife.

Mental health was exhausting. It didn’t matter what cutesy descriptor they gave it, it all boiled down to a constant reminder that no matter how screwed up your life was, dealing with it was your responsibility. Hailey sat quietly in the group session, listening to some of the other patients describe their troubles, many of which were completely unfamiliar to her. But there was no sympathy to be had from the counselor. It was all talk about coping mechanisms and reframing thought patterns and setting boundaries. The words were foreign to her, and the concepts were, too, but she surprised herself by how invested she was in these strangers’ stories. If someone who lost a young child to violence or battled homelessness and drug addiction could figure themselves out, maybe there was still hope for her, too.

She was still pondering how all these ideas applied to her and her situation when she was called in to see the doctor. It was a different man than she had seen two nights ago in the emergency room, but he seemed to be up to speed on her, anyway. They spent a few minutes discussing whether Hailey’s current state of mind was enough to clinically diagnose her with anything, but his recommendation for treatment was the same either way: medication. And counseling and stress management and other fluffy words, but Hailey knew he was leaning on the drugs as the highlight of her treatment plan. She wasn’t opposed to the idea of an antidepressant, but something about the idea scared her. She had made it through so many crappy things in her life just fine, so why give up and wave the white flag now? And besides, she felt so out of sorts lately that she was hesitant to introduce more substances into the mix until she felt a little more like herself. And all this only happened because Jay was gone. And he was coming back, at least for a little while, so things were likely to pick up for her once she got back on her feet.

She didn’t voice too much of her reasonings to the doctor, however, but he did agree that she had made enough improvement between her two assessments that medication was not immediately indicated.

And while Hailey thought the meeting with her doctor was rough, the individual counseling session she had in the afternoon was even more brutal. Because this guy - a middle-aged man with a bald patch named Steven - pulled absolutely no punches. Unlike Patrice the night before, he saw right through Hailey’s avoidance to talk about her parents and decided her childhood was a good place to start. And while she refused to come right out and state the obvious - that her childhood home had been less than ideal - she had a feeling that Steven was picking up on the context clues without too much trouble. And it wasn’t that she was being difficult on purpose; it just felt like too much. She didn’t think she was ready to start unpacking that deeply-seated trauma, especially in relation to how it contributed to her current problems. Hailey was terrified of what might come to light, of just how much she would unravel once she pulled that thread.

Even once her session was over, and she had a couple hours of ‘Free Time’ according to the schedule on the wall, her mind stayed fixed on the events that Steven’s questions had brought up. Tried to make some sense of the connection between the child she had been and the woman she was now. Wondered how many of her less-than-healthy coping mechanisms (look at her, already latching on to the terminology) had been forged in the proverbial trenches as she struggled to make sense of the world she had been born into. Asked herself how different she would be if she had been brought up without constant worry of the other shoe dropping.

Hailey wasn’t afraid to ask herself the questions, but the answers still evaded her.

Maybe that was why, a few hours later, when the aide informed her she had a visitor, she was torn about seeing him. It was easy enough to verify that it was Jay just beyond the double doors waiting for her. The knowledge that he was so close after being away for so long, that with a single word she would be able to see him and hear him and feel him was almost enough to make her burst in anticipation. Hailey knew it would take little more than a look into his eyes for her to feel safe again, for all the things that had seemed like unconquerable monsters to her yesterday to waste away to patches of dust that would only need to be swept away. His steady presence would be enough to make her problems all but disappear, just like he had done in the past.

It sounded almost too good to be true.

Because it was. As good as Jay was for her happiness, the fact that he could take it away with his absence just as easily was what got her here to begin with. And on top of that, using him to smooth over the rough edges of her rocky past had proven to only be a temporary solution. Hailey had been working to convince herself that he counteracted every bad thing that happened to her; that’s why his abandonment stung so much. But he really had only ever been a bandaid, a pretty facade that she used to cover the ugly wounds festering in her soul.

That wasn’t fair to him. And if she went out there now and allowed herself to get swept up in all the emotions his return would bring her, Hailey knew she would be tempted to just slap that bandaid on once more. For them to slip into what felt comfortable and good and easy while the hurt boiling up inside her had nowhere for her to put it except further inside herself. And the thing was, it was already coming to the surface. Her soul had been poked and prodded so much in the last week that the pain she harbored was evident to anyone who bothered to look. It would be harder than ever, now, to shove it back into a manageable place. And if the can of worms was already open, so to speak, maybe it would hurt less at this point to let it all the way out. To bleed herself dry of all the despair inside her in the hopes that something better would take its place.

But just because her mind acknowledged that truth didn’t mean her heart was in complete agreement. It longed for the comfort she knew she would feel from seeing him, but she just couldn’t face him. Not yet.

Hailey paced in her room once the aide left to relay the message. She hoped he understood. She prayed this wasn’t the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. She should have asked if she could have written him a little note in an effort to explain why. To her surprise, the aide returned a few minutes later bearing a duffel bag. Her duffel bag, the one she kept in her car for unexpected stakeouts and surprise wardrobe changes.

“Looks like your friend thought you might like something else to wear,” the aide explained before leaving the bag with Hailey.

She unzipped it to see that it did, in fact, contain a few days' worth of her own clothes, albeit tossed messily in the bag as it clearly had been checked by the nurse before being brought to her. She hadn’t called to ask anyone about her clothes; how did Jay know to bring them?

Maybe they were still on the same wavelength after all this time apart. And the fact that he left them with her even though she refused to see him reassured her that he didn’t take it personally.

Hailey dumped the contents of the bag onto her bed to refold the clothes and place them in the dresser beside it. Only then did she see that one item in the bag didn’t belong to her. Among her leggings and t-shirts and underwear and a pair of slip-on shoes was Jay’s navy blue zip-up. The same one she used to steal from time to time when they were lounging around the apartment. The same one that he took to Bolivia all those months ago.

She lifted it to her face, breathing deeply to take in as much of Jay’s essence from it as she could. Tears of relief came to her eyes when she realized that it still smelled like him. That his scent still brought with it the same calming reassurance that it had before. That he had realized how much she needed it right now.

Myriad emotions welled within her, and Hailey didn’t bother to suppress the tears as they fell more rapidly down her cheeks. She had cried a lot lately, but this was the first time during the whole ordeal that her weeping derived from anything even remotely resembling hope. It was silly to think that all the words and promises aimed at her didn’t reassure her as much as an old sweatshirt did. But life was funny that way.

All was not lost. Hailey knew that she and Jay had a lot of work to do, and she had no clue what that process would like for them. But he was with her. They were going to figure it out together.

Chapter Text

Coming back to their apartment was surreal. They had moved in here together, the perfect size for a couple just starting out together. And it felt remarkably empty now that Jay was here alone. It pained him to think about how it must have made Hailey feel, without him for so long.

He had gotten all the information he needed from Voight; the name of the facility where she was, how to reach them, the name of the admitting doctor, visiting hours. And though it made him feel sick to his stomach, Jay had forced himself to listen as Voight gave him - and Platt - a detailed rundown of what had gone down two days ago. From Hailey’s dangerously impulsive behavior that morning to her curled up, hopelessly lost, on the floor.

He didn’t want to hear any of it, but Jay understood that he needed to. It was important for him to know exactly what Hailey had been facing, because the truth was that he should have been the one walking beside her through it all. And if he had been there, it wouldn’t have been such a shock to him. If he had been there, it never would have gotten that far.

So he left the district, not feeling much better but at least a little calmer from having gained some vital information. A vague shape of a plan started to form as two of the patrolmen gave him a ride home (Trudy did not take no for an answer). The hospital had visiting hours every night, so he wouldn’t have to wait long to talk to her. In the meantime, he thought about calling up there to talk with her doctor, but he wasn’t certain Hailey would have given them permission to speak to him about her condition.

Man, he hated this.

Jay would be lying if he said he hadn’t spent hours imagining what his homecoming would be like, just how amazing it would feel to step into the apartment he called home after being away for almost a year. His brain had managed to conjure up multiple scenarios, but he never predicted he would have come home like this.

He braced himself as he shoved his unused key in the lock and nudged the door open, but the sight that met him wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. It looked startlingly similar to the state that Hailey would often leave it in if she had her way and he didn’t bother to tidy up behind her. Not a pigsty by any means, but definitely messier than Jay’s preferences. A few dishes and a dirty pan in the sink, and the counter had clearly not been wiped down. Her favorite blanket was crumpled on the couch instead of folded neatly. The only sign that anything even remotely unusual had occurred here was the near-empty bottle of scotch still out on the counter; neither of them were prone to leaving alcohol out in the open once they had had their fill.

Without hesitation, Jay picked up the bottle and upturned it over the sink. 

The bathroom and bedroom were in similar states, showing signs of being lived in, but just barely. Hailey had told him that keeping busy at work made the separation easier, so he had to assume she was spending hardly any time at home.

Jay pulled the covers up and quickly made the bed, more from habit than anything, before sitting down at the foot and putting his head in his hands. Whatever he had hoped coming home would feel like, he was pretty sure this wasn’t it.

After giving himself a moment to process, to feel whatever the hell it was that was feeling, he stood up and got to work. A clean apartment wasn’t going to fix anything, but it would make him feel just a little bit lighter, and it would give him something to do until seven o’clock tonight. He started by unpacking the few things of his that he had deemed necessary enough to make both the trip to South America and the trip back. Most of it went straight in the hamper, but a few items he knew were clean enough to get him through the next few days until he could do a load of laundry.

As he started to replace them on his side of the dresser, it didn’t take long for Jay to realize that all of Hailey’s favorite clothes were still in this apartment. If things had transpired as rapidly and chaotically as Voight’s account indicated, she wouldn’t have had time or wherewithal to pack some things before they left. Suddenly, with this realization, Jay was struck with a renewed sense of purpose. Here was something he could do. Something Hailey needed, something that might actually help. 

He bounced back and forth between the closet and the dresser, making a small pile of things that he knew Hailey liked. It felt a little weird, if he was honest, trying to make choices for his wife after so much time apart. Physically handling her clothes, especially her underthings, felt oddly intimate. But that was good, right? They were still married, after all. It was bound to be an awkward process, but what he wanted more than anything was to get back to the level of intimacy they once had. That had to start somewhere, and right now, if the only thing he could do for Hailey was to bring her some clean clothes, then that was exactly what he was going to do.

He surveyed the selection he had laid out on the bed; it was enough for a few days, and he had no idea how long Hailey would be in the hospital. It was probably a good enough place to start. Jay began to place the items into Hailey’s preferred bag when another thought hit him. He got his carryon from the flight and dug his favorite hoodie out; he had needed it when he boarded in Ecuador, but it was plenty warm on this side of the Equator, and he had almost forgotten about it in his bag until now. Hailey liked this hoodie, too. He had a distinct memory of her bundling it around herself while they watched TV together on the couch the first time she’d had a bad day at work after they became official. She had mooched it from his side of the closet plenty of other times since then, too. And if it was cold at all in her hospital room, she would need something to help keep her warm.

But it had a drawstring. Jay was pretty sure the hospital would have a rule about that. It was easy enough to fix, though. His time away from home wasn’t long enough for him to forget where they kept the scissors. He cut off one end of the drawstring and pulled the rest of it through the hood, folded the sweatshirt neatly and placed it in the bag. Now he was left with a random piece of string, but, for some reason, it didn’t feel right to throw it away. Instead, Jay wrapped it around his wrist a few times before securing it with a haphazard knot. It absolutely clashed with his watch, but he didn’t care in the slightest. It was a small, silly way for him to feel connected to his wife, and he wasn’t going to take that lightly.

And with that, Jay was now certain there was nothing else for him to do but wait. He decided he might as well take advantage of the remaining hours to knock out at least one more uncomfortable conversation he knew awaited him. His brother had no idea what was going on, and even though he was no longer in Chicago, Jay thought he should probably notify him that he was back stateside. Whether Will would be pleased or not to hear from him under the circumstances was hard to say, but Jay knew there was only one way to find out. He removed his phone from where it was charging on the nightstand and dialed his brother.

He knew it was a possibility. Part of him was anticipating it, really. There was no reason for Jay to expect her to want to see him after all the pain he had caused her.

But the rejection still felt like a slap in the face.

He had shown up at the hospital twenty minutes early, giving himself plenty of time to show his ID and sign in and be ready for when the clock hit seven. There was no waiting room for the designated secure ward, so the hall was full of little clusters of people, just as eager as he was to be allowed beyond the intimidating double doors to see their loved ones. A nurse at the door took their names and admitted them in one group at a time. He could tell that most of the other visitors were familiar with the process, and the staff seemed to know them in return. When it was his turn at the door, however, he could see by the expression on the nurse’s face that he was not going to be seeing Hailey tonight.

He could have punched a wall. But he figured that would do nothing to earn him favor, and he managed to wrangle his emotions into a slightly more productive outlet.

“Can you… Look, I don’t know how this works, what you’re allowed to tell me, but I just really want to know if she’s all right.”

The nurse eyed him cautiously. “Mr. Halstead, your wife-”

“Jay. Please call me Jay.”

“Okay. Jay. I don’t know what your definition of ‘all right’ is, but your wife is safe. But the last 48 hours have been overwhelming, for both of you, I’m sure, and I think she’s still processing everything. It’s not unusual at all for someone in her position to self-isolate, at least at first. Try not to take it personally.”

This nurse obviously had no idea what was going on if she thought Hailey’s avoidance of him wasn’t personal.

“Okay, but she’s been self-isolating for months, apparently, but I didn’t realize just how much because I’ve been in South America. I’ve been in airports and airplanes for most of the last two days, and I just really want to talk to someone about what’s going on with Hailey. If she’s not ready, can I talk to her doctor or something?” He was trying to keep his voice neutral, but he couldn’t help the desperation sneaking into his tone. “I haven’t seen my wife in ten months, and I don’t know what’s going on with her, and I just want to help her. I need someone to tell me how I can help her.”

Something resembling pity crossed the nurse’s face for a fleeting second. “Unfortunately, we can’t disclose details of her care without her permission. But you want to know how to help her? Give her a little time. And keep showing up.”

Jay nodded in resignation, pleased that the nurse at least accepted the bag of clothes he had brought for Hailey. As the double doors shut one last time behind the nurse, he made himself comfortable on the linoleum floor. He wasn’t about to leave until the hour was up, on the infinitesimally small chance that Hailey would change her mind about seeing him. So he leaned his head back against the wall and thought about the nurse’s advice. Showing up. It sounded like the bare minimum, yet he had still managed to drop the ball on the simplest aspect of marriage.

He banged his head against the wall as he berated himself. How could he blame Hailey for keeping him at a distance? He had done absolutely nothing in the last year to show her he was in her corner. As he continued down his path of self-flagellation, Jay could only hope that there was still some flicker of a chance for them. He hoped that his presence here tonight, even though she wasn’t ready for it, would be enough to remind her of his love. That his immensely practical gift of clothing would provide her a little bit of comfort and familiarity that had to be lacking in a place like this.

Jay twirled his fingers around the makeshift bracelet on his wrist. It was already starting to fray at the edges, and he knew it was not going to last a terribly long time until it started to disintegrate. He hoped like hell that wasn’t a metaphor for his marriage.

He hoped that he would be able to see Hailey before the cord wasted away to nothing.

But it didn’t matter either way, he reminded himself. Jay was determined that he was going to make up for lost time. He was going to do whatever it took for Hailey to trust him, trust their relationship, again. He was going to keep showing up, no matter what.

She tried on her own. She really did. But when ten o’clock that night came around - the all-important ‘Lights Out’ according to the schedule - Hailey once again found herself staring at the ceiling as sleep eluded her. She had hoped there was some magic in the air in this dreary place that made it easier for her to drop off, but that was clearly wishful thinking. It was much more likely, she admitted reluctantly to herself, the pill she had been given upon her arrival that knocked her out.

No, not knock her out, she reminded herself. The nurse had actually been adamant that was the opposite of what Hailey needed. The drug didn’t do that, it just allowed her brain to slow down enough for her body to take over. So she was trying everything she could to wear her mind out the old fashioned way. It just wasn’t working. Her thoughts were still going a mile a minute.

Counting sheep was not going to make her forget how conflicted she felt about the idea of seeing her husband after so long. Saying the alphabet backwards did nothing to relieve her mind of the abject humiliation she now felt about spiraling so far down that her boss had to step in and haul her off to a secure facility. She tried progressive relaxation, but she still worried about how the events of that night were going to impact her job when she was already on thin ice. And no amount of meditation or visualization was going to slow down the highlight reel playing in her head of some of the more, well, memorable moments of her childhood.

Crying’s not going to do any good. She had said the phrase to herself, a pathetic attempt at a pep talk once her tears had dried earlier. Having some clean clothes meant she finally had a reason to stop avoiding the communal shower with the door that didn’t lock, but all she wanted to do was lie in bed with Jay’s hoodie pressed to her face. Hailey wasn’t sure she had energy for much more than that, but the idea of wrapping the garment around herself instead was enough motivation for her to get up and make the effort to wash her weary body.

She wasn’t crying anymore, but the words still rang through her mind as she showered and prepared for bed. It was only once she closed her eyes and tried to drown it out that she realized it was her father’s voice she heard saying it. And now she couldn’t stop the inundation of memories that dreadful phrase brought to her. Crying’s not going to do any good! Not when she fell off her bike and scraped up half of her thigh. Not when her Barbie was ‘accidentally’ decapitated by her brother Seth’s G.I. Joe. Not when she was cowering in the corner as her dad pulled off his belt in a fit of rage.

It never did any good. 

And neither was trying to sleep.

Screw it, she thought, throwing the covers off of herself in frustration and getting out of bed. She could wait until someone came to do their checks on her, but they were only hourly now that the staff was convinced she wasn’t actively trying to hurt herself. So she wandered into the hall to look for the nurse. 

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Patrice was the one manning the nurses station again tonight. “It’s lights out, you’re supposed to be in bed.”

“I know. I just wanted to ask you something.”

“That’s what they pay me for.” She didn’t sound entirely genuine, but she didn’t dismiss Hailey, either.

So she asked, “The nurse the other night- the other day- whenever it was they brought me in- she gave me something for anxiety.”

“Uh-huh…” Patrice said. She was going to make Hailey work for it. 

“Is it possible for me to have one tonight? I’m having trouble falling asleep.”

Patrice turned to the computer beside her, pushed a few buttons, and then disappeared into the back room without saying a word. But she returned shortly with a medication cup and a cup of water.

“Thanks,” Hailey said after swallowing the pill, and the water too for good measure “Can I ask you something else?”

“Of course, but I can’t promise to answer.”

Hailey paused, unsure why she felt so trusting of this nurse she had only minimally interacted with. But her instincts were usually good, and she didn’t have much left to lose anyway, so she sucked it up and continued. “That other nurse, she also seemed surprised that I wasn’t on any regular medication.”

“That’s not a question.”

Hailey let out an impatient huff. “Well, like… should I be?”

“That’s for your doctor to decide, Hailey.” 

“But you know, right? You said you’ve been working here for a long time, so you have to know which people really need the meds and which don’t.”

Patrice eyed her for a minute, drumming her fingers on the desk between them. When she finally spoke, it wasn’t the direct answer Hailey was hoping for.

“Is this what had you too worked up to sleep? Worrying about medication?”

“No,” she admitted after a beat. “I can’t stop thinking about my husband.” 

Or my dad.

“The one that’s gone?” Patrice asked. “Or the one that showed up to see you tonight?”

Hailey felt her ears turn red as she dropped her eyes to her lap, her fingers rhythmically coiling around each other. “They’re both the same guy. And he was gone, for months, until… this.” 

“Does he hurt you?”

“What? No, Jay would never. That’s just not in his nature.”

Patrice waited before probing a little further. “So why didn’t you want to see him?”

“I just… I’m so confused. About what’s happening to me, and how I feel. But there were so many nights where I would have given anything to see him, to be with him, and then he shows up and I just… it didn’t feel right. I missed him so much while he was away, I think I just assumed that all this stuff going on with me had to do with him being gone. But now that he’s back, it just doesn’t feel quite that simple anymore.”

She felt Patrice’s hand on hers, gently pulling it away from where it encircled her other wrist. Hailey hadn’t been aware of how firmly she was rubbing, but now she could see the redness blossoming from the friction. She busied her fingers instead by picking apart the styrofoam cup in front of her.

“Sorry,” she muttered, once again overcome with shame about her entire situation. “Bad habit.”

The nurse was quick to respond, “No need to apologize. We all have to figure out our own ways to deal with all the hard stuff life sends us. It’s the most human thing in the world. You know your life better than anyone, so ultimately those decisions fall to you. But, I will say, in my experience, the kind of people who jump at the opportunity to spend eighteen hours on a plane to be with you when you’re at your lowest… Those are usually the same people you can trust with the hard stuff. Even when it’s really ugly.”

Hailey contemplated that for a moment. “I do trust him. I trust him with my life, but… I don’t know. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this.”

“Shouldn’t he be allowed to make that decision for himself?”

She had no response, but they both knew it was a rhetorical question anyway.

“Something to think about,” Patrice said with a shrug, “but not until after you get in eight solid hours, okay? No more ruminating tonight. Now clean this mess up, you need to get back to bed before that Xanax kicks in and I have to pick you up off the floor.”

Chapter Text

Hailey’s second day (technically her third, if you counted the day she did nothing but sleep) in the hospital was just as intensive and consuming as her first. She had never given too much thought to how exhausting it could be to sit alone with your thoughts. Perhaps because that level of introspection tended to be something she avoided like the plague. Now, at least, she had a good understanding of why. 

Because it was crippling. Because as soon as she let her brain acknowledge one little uncomfortable fact, there was another right behind it begging to be let out, as well. And she was very disheartened to discover that her mind was still harboring troubles she thought she had dealt with long ago. Why else were so many of her bad memories swimming to the forefront, fighting and competing for prominence in a way that made no sense to her? Hailey found herself longing for the ease with which she could customarily compartmentalize these things, the way she used to be able to just push unpleasant thoughts aside until she was ready to deal with them.

She had been playing that game for far too long, and now she was more than making up for it. Because she found it impossible to avoid those uglier thoughts now. Every question she was asked, every thought-provoking comment directed to her here in the hospital sent her down a rabbit trail of self-reflection that was, frankly, terrifying. There was a reason she had avoided that very practice for so many years. Because if she focused on all the bad things that had happened to her, heaven forbid actually allow herself to feel her way through the pain, she would surely crumble into a thousand little pieces and just blow away with the wind.

There would be nothing left of her.

And she had worked so hard to build herself into the person she had become. It wasn’t fair that so many little fragments of her past remained embedded in her soul.

She had no idea how she was supposed to climb her way out. And when she mentioned that worry during her individual therapy session that afternoon, Steven smiled at her.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You just seem a little more… engaged today. You were fairly apathetic when we met yesterday. The fact that you want to find your way out is good, Hailey. You don’t have to have all the answers right now, but the desire to get better is a powerful tool. It has to start there.”

It didn’t make Hailey feel powerful, though. On the contrary, she felt fragile and raw in a way she hadn’t for years, like she was likely to burst into tears (or possibly into flames) at the slightest provocation. And that was a problem, because she was locked in a ward that deliberately lacked distractions, and it seemed like every thought that popped unbidden into her head was triggering her already frail emotional state.

She felt extremely unsettled. So when seven o’clock came around once more and she was again informed that she had a visitor, it was with equal parts relief and reluctance that she made her way out to see her husband. Keeping him at arms’ length hadn’t done her much good. And she knew this could go one of two ways, but delaying the inevitable wasn’t going to change the outcome. There was too much turmoil in her head to keep fretting about how Jay was going to react after everything that had happened. Seeing him was either going to make her feel better, or make her feel much, much worse. But Hailey couldn’t keep worrying about it. However it was going to go, she needed to see Jay. She knew she wouldn’t be able to shake this feeling of dysregulation until she did.

She saw him as soon as she turned the corner from the hallway into the now bustling common area. There were more people there than ever, which could have been overwhelming, but Hailey’s eyes found his like a magnet even across the busy room. He was standing stiffly near the double doors, perhaps worried that he would once again be made to leave. She could see his jaw tighten as she walked the perimeter of the room to meet him, and she might have worried it was from anger if she didn’t know him so well. If she hadn’t caught the glint of tears forming in the corners of his eyes. If she hadn’t noticed the big, shuddering breath he drew before he took the last few steps to close the distance between them. To pull her none too gently to his chest and wrap his arms around her.

And just like that, she was home. 

Hailey took a moment, just allowing herself to feel the pressure from his arms, to hear the faint thrum of his heart, to smell whatever combination of things it was that made him smell like home. And it wasn’t long before she pulled her arms from where they were pressed against his chest and snaked them around his waist, gripping him just as tightly as he was clinging to her. She knew he was crying by the way his breath would hitch every so often, the occasional sniffles as he rested his cheek against the top of her head. And then she was crying, too, because how could she cause him so much anguish without bearing her portion alongside of him? And if her tears derived from guilt, from relief, from fear, from months and months of suppressed anger and hurt, she would never know the difference. Because Jay was here, and she was here. What else could possibly matter in this moment? 

Their embrace was so long overdue, so fervently needed by both of them that for a minute, Hailey wondered if they were going to pass the entire hour simply enfolded into one another. Not that she minded. She had been right about how safe she would feel, being wrapped up in his arms once more. Something about having all of her senses absolutely surrounded by him made all of her worries seem a little bit further away, no longer large and looming and ready to crush her at any moment.

But as with all good things, it had to come to an end when Hailey heard someone say, “All right, you two. We have rules against extended PDA for a reason. Come up for a little air.” 

And although Patrice’s voice was gentle, Hailey knew she was serious, that they couldn’t just stand in the hall crying in each other’s arms all night. It was with great effort, though, that she removed her head from where it fit so perfectly in the crook of Jay’s neck. And if the sudden loss of pressure and warmth from his body was difficult, the knowledge that she was going to have to look him in the eye, only inches in front of her, and answer for her actions, to explain to him just how she had allowed things to go so off the rails… that thought devastated her.

But it was now or never. She was going to rip off the bandaid, even if that meant she might bleed all over the floor.

Slowly, cautiously, swallowing against the bile in her throat, she turned her face up to meet Jay’s eyes. They were so damn beautiful. Very green today, though he still had remnants of his tears brimming in them, so it could have been a trick of the light. But behind the sheen of emotion, his eyes were as tender as she had ever seen them, and she nearly buckled from the intensity of his gaze.

“Oh, Hailey,” he started. And that could have been a preamble to anything. But he seemed to be just as overwhelmed by their long overdue reunion as she felt, and it took him a moment to articulate his next thoughts. “It is really, really good to see you. I have missed you so much.”

“You have no idea,” she responded. And although she didn’t mean for the basic reciprocation to be overly charged, she couldn’t help her voice breaking on the last word.

Any hope she had of keeping it together had been dashed. Jay moved to hug her, a completely natural response, but they weren’t in a natural environment. He paused mid-action, talking to the nurse over her shoulder. “What about holding her hand? Is that allowed?”

There was no answer at first, so Hailey turned to give the woman a weak smile. She recalled the nurse’s concern last night, asking if she refused to see Jay because he made her feel unsafe. Hailey hoped she could see her feelings plainly enough in her face. It must have worked, because Patrice responded, “I can’t monitor what I can’t see.”

Hailey breathed deeply as she walked toward a vacant table, Jay close enough behind her that she could almost feel him. Nothing about this felt normal. But she sat down and he immediately reached for her hand, clasping it between both of his.

“Hailey. I, just… I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m so sorry that-“

“Don’t.” She shook her head at him, and he gave her a pleading look in return. “Just… not yet. I know there’s a lot… I know. But not tonight.”

He nodded, and the awkward silence that followed made her wish that she hadn’t cut him off. He still held her hand though, absentmindedly tracing figure eights around her knuckles.

“So,” he started again, “Voight told me a little about the other night. You seem to be doing better now; do you think it’s helping? Being here?”

Hailey took a steadying breath, using her free hand to massage her forehead. “It’s… I don’t know, Jay. If you talked to Voight, then you know I was in a pretty bad place. Doesn’t take much to be considered an improvement. But… it’s hard. The one thing that I have going for me here is that I can sleep, but that just means I have a clear head to contemplate everything that’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Hailey frowned at him, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I mean… god, Hailey. Sorry, I’m kind of having trouble putting how I’m feeling into words. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.” He looked at the tile floor, taking a second to organize his thoughts before he continued. “I didn’t mean to minimize what you’ve been going through. I know it’s been difficult, and I hate that I wasn’t here to walk through it with you. I just want to make sure that you’re not blaming yourself for what happened. You’re not here because you did something wrong, you know?”

Sometimes she absolutely hated the way he could see right through her, even after miles and months of separation. In lieu of a response, she pulled her hand out from his under the guise of scratching an imaginary itch on her wrist. 

“And look, Hailey, I understand that this is hard for you. Believe me, I know. But I want to be there for you, if you’ll let me. I don’t really know what you need right now, or how I can help you, but I want to. And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to be in touch with your doctors so we can all be on the same page about your treatment going forward.”

“Jay…” His name came out her mouth as a whine, which might have embarrassed her if it hadn’t been a perfect demonstration of what she was trying to convey. This was too much. It was all too much, for her, and certainly for him.

“Hey, hey, stop that. Hailey Anne.” She felt his fingers intertwine with hers where they were clenched into her forearm. When he drew her hand into his own once more, she was grateful to see she hadn’t pressed hard enough to draw blood.

They sat in silence for a while longer, Jay languidly running his free hand up and down her forearm while she took the time to gather herself. Her breathing had calmed a bit when he continued.

“So, what does your treatment look like? What do they have you doing in here all day?” His tone was conversational, curious.

Facts. She could do facts. Just no more feelings.

“Mostly it’s a lot of thinking and talking. Different kinds of therapy. I’m not sure they even know what to do with me, so it’s just a lot of self-analysis for now.”

“Did they say that to you? That they don’t know?”

“Not exactly. But when I talked to the doctor, he said that my symptoms could be one of many things, that he wasn’t ready to make a diagnosis yet. But then he still wanted to start me on medication. I wasn’t sure at first, but now I think I might try it.”

Jay took another sweep up and down her arm before he responded. “What changed your mind?”

“I’ve been having to take something to help me sleep anyway. It makes more sense to just have it in my system and not wait to see how badly I feel, you know? And I figure, if I have any hope of getting my job back, I can’t be relying on sedatives just to function.”

Without warning, his smooth motions on her arm came to a halt. “Hailey, I don’t think you should be worrying about your job right now.”

“I know, it’s not like they’re ever going to give me a weapon again- Wait. Where is my gun? Jay, I have no idea what happened to it!”

“It’s fine, Voight has it. I saw it, it was right there in his desk drawer. And that’s what I was trying to tell you. He’s doing his best to keep this under wraps. Obviously, there’s still a long road before you get there, but he is trying to protect your job. And you. The rest of the squad didn’t even know, or Trudy, until they saw me and figured something was up. So, yeah, go ahead and move work to the bottom of the list of things for you to worry about.”

Hailey leaned all the way back in her chair, dragging her hands through her hair as she went.

“I hate that they all know. It doesn’t matter, Jay, if I make it back to work. I’m never coming back from this.”

His hand rested on her knee now. She wondered if that level of PDA was allowed.

“Don’t say that, Hails. No one’s opinion of you has changed at all. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t choose this. And you know what Voight said? He told them that you did everything right. You might have been experiencing some bad thoughts, but your actions were the best thing you could have possibly done in that situation. You picked up the phone and you asked for help. And I know, and they know, that that was anything but easy for you. So, if anything, this has just reminded us all how incredibly brave you are.” 

Hailey hadn’t been aware how much she needed to hear those words. From anyone else, they might have felt trite or even patronizing. But from her husband, with his sincere eyes piercing right to her soul, she had no choice but to take them to heart. And she was too spent, emotionally drained, to give much in the way of a reply. Instead, she moved her hand to where his rested on her knee and let her fingers fiddle with the piece of blue yarn that was tied around his wrist. That was a new accessory, surely something he picked up in Bolivia. She wondered what its significance was. Then she turned her attention to his wedding ring. It was not as good for keeping her antsy fingers busy, but its smoothness was calming in a completely different manner.

“They wouldn’t let me keep mine; that’s why I don’t have it on. No earrings, no necklaces, nothing.”

“I know, Hailey. I’m just glad you kept better track of your ring than you did of your gun. But I wouldn’t hold it against you, even if you chose to take it off.”

Her eyes snapped back up to him with that remark.

“I’m not dumb, Hailey, I know we’re not great, you and me, but I’m going to change that. I have a lot to make up for, but I’m here. I want to figure this out with you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

She tinkered with his ring for a moment longer while she gathered the courage to ask the question that had been bouncing around the back of her head all evening. “So… what does that mean, Jay? Are you back for good, then?”

“Mostly, yeah. I’m back in the country for good, but I will have to go down to Texas at some point - El Paso, I think - for a few days to update the DEA on our progress and undergo debriefing before they officially release me from my contract.”

“How does that work, exactly?” Hailey knew there was a good chance she wasn’t going to like the answer to this question, but she needed to know. She needed to understand how Jay was able to drop everything and return to her now when he had been hiding behind the rigidity of military culture for months to explain away his long stretches of silence. “They just let you leave at a moment’s notice?”

“Well,” now it was his turn to look uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck, “actually, Hailey, I was already planning to come home soon. I had submitted my request, and was just waiting for the paperwork to get the all clear. Even had a tentative return date, so when I asked them to expedite things, they agreed.” 

“Wait… What? Jay, why didn’t you tell me? If I had known you were coming back, then I… You had a date set?”

The smile he gave her as he nodded was laced with sadness. “Tentative date, yeah. I ended up leaving about three weeks earlier than I planned to. But I just didn’t want to tell you until it was set in stone. I didn’t want to get your hopes up.”

Three weeks? Maybe a little bit of hope would have been enough to get her through. She shook her head, still trying to process what Jay had just revealed. “I still don’t really understand… Why were you able to cut out early when they were so strict with your arrangement at first?”

He shrugged. “They really wanted me to stay on, so when I agreed to extend my contract, the conditions were much more lenient than my initial commitment. These guys we were after… they were slippery, and every time we cut one faction down, another one would just pop up. But we were getting close, so I agreed to extend, but basically on a case-by-case basis. And then, last month, we nabbed one of our biggest targets. And even though we still had some names on the board, we could tell that we were circling them. The timing felt right, so I put in my request for discharge. They knew it was coming, and they weren’t going to bust my balls over a couple weeks' difference.”

Hailey couldn’t decide whether this news made her feel better or worse. They had been so close to reuniting, and she didn’t even know it. She felt a physical pain in her gut when she wondered how that knowledge might have changed her outlook, her behavior, in the preceding week.

Jay continued, “I should have told you; I can see that now. But I just wasn’t sure… To be completely honest, Hailey, I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it, me coming home, and I didn’t want to burden you with ‘maybes…’”

“I think maybe we both should stop making assumptions about each other,” Hailey said with more bite than she intended. But she had the upper hand here, and Jay just nodded solemnly.

“You’re right, and I apologize, even though you told me I’m not allowed to do that tonight. But, Hailey, that means we’ve got to talk to each other. I know our communication has been out of sync, and that’s totally on me, but I’m begging you to not shut me out. I don’t want to pressure you, and I don’t want to rush you. But when you’re ready, I hope that you will let me in. You shouldn’t have to bear this burden alone, and you won’t have to. I want to be here for you, whatever that may look like.”

“I know,” she answered, even though she didn’t. She didn’t feel like she knew anything anymore.

The hour for visitation passed, feeling both much longer and much shorter than it should have been. Before he was completely shooed out the door, Jay went with her to talk to Patrice about setting up a meeting the next day where they could speak to her doctor together. Hailey wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but she knew it was a step in the right direction. Jay was right: if he was going to be involved at all in her recovery (and she wanted him to be, she was pretty sure), she was going to have to be more open about what was going on inside of her. He deserved to know what he was getting himself into. Plus, Hailey wasn’t sure they would ever let her out of this place if she didn’t show that she had some level of outside support.

So while they shared one more lingering hug, Hailey tried to absorb every last ounce of hope and strength and goodness that she knew resided within her husband. She was going to see him again tomorrow, but just in case, she took full advantage of the here and now. It wasn’t until Patrice loudly cleared her throat that they unwound from one another.

“You know, I think she could give Platt a run for her money,” Jay noted as he walked toward the double doors that were going to take him away from her again.

“That’s who she reminds me of!” Hailey exclaimed. “I couldn’t figure out why I felt so calm around her the other night. Makes perfect sense.”

“Well, I don’t know if I would call feeling relaxed around Platt sensible, but I’m glad you feel safe here.”

And she did. Safe enough, at least, that when she wandered out of her room after giving sleep the old college try, she had no qualms about asking for the medication that had allowed her some respite during the previous nights.

“Don’t worry,” she told Patrice with a dejected smile on her face, “I’m going to talk to the doctor tomorrow about starting meds for real.”

“Oh, honey, I’m not worried about that. I am happy to hear that you’re open to exploring your treatment options. And,” she gave Hailey a pointed look, “I was happy that you finally let that boy in the door tonight. It broke my heart to send him home last night; he looked like a lost puppy. I was about to start losing sympathy for you if you turned away one more handsome man.”

“Broke your heart?” Hailey asked in faux indignation. “Last night you asked if he beat me! And now I’m the villain in the story?”

“Yeah, but now I know he doesn’t. Hindsight, and whatnot.”

Hailey laughed at the woman’s candor in spite of herself. And as she lay in bed ten minutes later, feeling the sleep emerging heavy behind her eyes before it covered her like a blanket, she wasn’t sure which factor had the most influence on her easy drift into slumber: the drug, the friendly banter with her nurse, or her husband.

Jay. The answer was always going to be Jay. But, even so, as she nodded off, Hailey was grateful that she had the other things on her side, too.

Chapter Text

Jay sobbed on the drive home.

Not continuously, or else he never would have made it back to the apartment in one piece. But his emotions had been brimming throughout the entire hour of visitation, and something about having to say goodbye to Hailey brought them to the forefront as soon as the double doors clanged shut behind him. He had been so focused on getting to her, on seeing her and the many important conversations they needed to have, that he hadn’t given any thought to how it would feel leaving there without her once more.

She had looked so small, wearing his sweatshirt like armor as they worked to drown out their dreary environment to connect in any meaningful way after months apart. In a place full of uncertainty and stark walls and bland furniture, Jay could see her battling to keep her cool when she surely must have felt as uncomfortable as he did. It went against every instinct in his bones to leave her there, to turn and walk away because some medical professional told him he had to when she looked so lost and small and scared.

How had he managed to do it so easily ten months ago?

The minute his subconscious made the connection, he was gone. He had to pull over on the shoulder of the Eisenhower as all his fears came out in the form of hot, heavy tears and uncontrollable sobs. For all the work he had done trying to convince both Hailey and himself that his deployment was for their benefit, to make him a better man, this moment of reckoning showed him how far from the truth that was. No matter how pristine his intentions had been, the reality was that he turned his back on his wife without a second thought. Without any concern about how that would affect her. And he was going to have to answer for that.

He had no idea how. But he hoped that Hailey would let him stick around long enough to try.

He was temporarily distracted from his own misery by the sound of his phone ringing. The caller ID was one that he hadn’t seen in quite some time: Ruzek. Jay had no clue why Adam would be calling him, but he had learned his lesson about poor communication. He cleared his throat, trying to eliminate any hints of his roadside breakdown before he picked up.

“Hey, Ruze, what’s up?”

“Hey, Halstead, what are you up to tonight? Got any plans?”

Jay hesitated. Hailey hadn’t said much when he mentioned that her team had been brought up to speed on her situation, but she said enough to indicate that she was self-conscious about it. But, on the other hand, they were all officers in a highly-respected unit. It wouldn’t be earth-shattering information to them that he had been visiting his wife.

“On my way home right now. I, uh… I just left the hospital.”

“Oh, man, okay.” Bless Ruzek for reading between the lines, for once in his life, and not pushing the issue. “Well, Mack’s at a sleepover tonight, so Kim and I thought it would be nice to go and have a drink. You know, like we used to do before we all grew up and got married and had kids and stuff. It’s been a hell of a week, and we thought maybe you could use a night out, too.”

“Thanks, that’s really nice of you guys to ask, but I think I’m just going to head home. It’s been kind of a long night.”

He heard another voice from the other end of the call. “Jay Halstead, don’t make us come over there and drag you out!” Kim threatened. “You need to be around friends right now.” 

“Kim says hi,” Adam chuckled. “But she’s right. After this week, I think we’re all feeling a little on edge. Just come have one drink with us? We’d all like to see you, and maybe it’ll be good for you, too.”

“Okay,” Jay gave in. “I’m on my way.”

It was Kevin he spotted first, however, as he parked Hailey’s SUV in the lot beside the pub.

“It’s weird seeing you behind the wheel of anything other than that big-ass truck,” Kevin quipped as they made their way inside.

“Yeah, well, the Ram was a CPD issue,” Jay shrugged. “I guess I need to look into getting one of my own.”

“So, are you back now?” Kevin asked, holding the door open as they entered the bar. 

“Yep,” Jay nodded bashfully, feeling like everyone in the bar was staring at him. But it was probably just Kim and Adam. And Dante, who was sitting at the table with them.

“Hey, y’all, look what the cat dragged in,” Atwater eased their entry into the group with his signature humor. And the conversation was easy and light, at first. But Jay was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one who sensed the weight of the elephant in the room. It didn’t take long for the spirit at their table to dim, each of them paying more attention to their respective drinks than to the effort of pretending everything was normal.

It was Kim who finally brought it up. “So, Adam said you had been to see Hailey?”

Jay bought some time with a long swig of his beer before answering. “Yeah. She’s… she’s all right, all things considered. It was kind of hard, you know, seeing her for the first time in almost a year under those circumstances. We were both kind of all over the place. But we’re meeting with her doctor tomorrow, so hopefully that will provide some clarity. For both of us.”

Kim placed a consoling hand over the one holding his beer. “I’m so sorry, Jay. That must be really tough.”

“Don’t be,” he chuckled derisively. “I should be the one apologizing. To her, to you guys, especially to you,” he nodded toward Dante. “You never should have been in that spot, and that’s my fault. But I am so incredibly thankful for what you did, Torres. I keep thinking that I should buy you a beer, or something, but somehow that doesn’t seem like quite enough to say thank you for saving my wife’s life.”

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Dante said.

“No, but I want-”

“I didn’t do it for you.” His tone left no room for debate this time.

“All the same,” Jay continued, mostly to break the awkward silence that followed, “I appreciate it. And I am sorry.”

“Ocean’s right, though,” Adam said. “Obviously it’s not the same, but all of us here love Hailey. And we would have done anything to help her. But the truth of the matter is that we didn’t see it. She plays things awfully close to the vest when she wants to. We were right here with her and we didn’t know. You can’t beat yourself up for not seeing it from thousands of miles away.”

“I sure as hell can for leaving, though.” 

And no one had a retort for that.

Jay downed the rest of his drink and dug in his wallet for a few bills. “I appreciate it, you guys. I do. But I should get going. Will’s going to call me tomorrow before his shift, and I’m drained, plus the time difference, so…”

He turned on his heel without looking back. But someone grabbed his arm before he could make it out the door.

“Hey,” Adam told him, “look. You need to wallow, beat yourself up, whatever. I get it. But don’t make the same mistake she did; don’t push the people who care about you away, hm? Because we can’t be worrying about Hailey and about you, too. She needs you to be strong.”

Jay nodded, startled for a moment by Adam’s sincerity. “Thanks, Ruze. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Copy you.”

Talking to his brother was refreshing. There were only a few people on earth that had seen Jay at the absolute lowest of lows, and Will was at the top of that list. So he was able to go into their phone call with no pretense, no need to impress anyone, no need to act like he had everything together. On top of that, Will was the first person who was able to offer him perspective of Hailey’s condition from an objective medical standpoint.

“Think of it this way,” Will said over their video chat, “if you came into the emergency room unable to breathe, that’s a medical emergency. We would give you oxygen, nebulizer treatments, maybe even intubate you if it was bad. Once you were stabilized, then we would investigate further into the cause: get x-rays, draw labs, monitor how you responded to treatment, and then use all that information to determine what was wrong with you. And how we treat pneumonia is different from how we treat COPD is different from how we treat smoke inhalation.”

Jay nodded his understanding and motioned for Will to continue.

“So basically, it sounds like Hailey is in that stabilization phase; she’s no longer in immediate danger, but the underlying cause is still TBD. And that’s even harder to figure out with mental health, because you can’t detect depression in a scan or a blood draw. So the doctor probably wants to treat her symptoms while they work to figure out what’s behind everything.”

“So they might start her on antidepressants even if they’re not sure if she has depression?” Jay asked in between bites of his cereal.

Will nodded. “Honestly, I would be surprised if they didn’t. Whether or not she meets the DSM-5 criteria for diagnosis of depression or anxiety or whatever, it sounds like she was definitely experiencing a depressive episode. And that brings me back to my analogy: we wouldn’t deprive someone of oxygen just because we didn’t know what was causing their shortness of breath. Hailey deserves to have her symptoms addressed, even if they’re just temporary.”

“Okay,” Jay agreed, “I might need you to write all that down, because I have a feeling that she could benefit from hearing that information, too.”

His good mood from their early morning chat, however, didn’t last long. He had a few hours to kill before the meeting with Hailey’s doctor, so he decided he may as well go down to the Riverwalk and get reacquainted with his hometown. He checked his email as he strolled, and one item in his inbox brought his stress level right back up. He frantically went through his contacts and dialed.

“Yes, Halstead, what can I do for you?” 

“Hi, Lieutenant Hoffman, I just received the email about the debriefing dates, and I wanted to check to see if there’s been a misunderstanding. It says I’m to report in three days.”

“No misunderstanding. Agent McMahon was more than happy to move the meeting up once he learned that you were returning earlier than expected.”

Jay groaned, careful to temper his voice before he responded. “If you recall, Lieutenant, my early release was due to a family emergency. My wife is still in the hospital, so circumstances really aren’t any better now than they were when I first left.”

“I understand that, Halstead, and I am sorry to hear about your wife. But as you’ll recall, we agreed to terminate your contract early due to exigent circumstances but contingent on certain conditions. Attending the stateside debriefing was non-negotiable. You’ll have had a week at home by then. The DEA is eager to hear your update so they can make plans on how to move forward.”

“Yes, sir.” Jay was regretting the words even as they came out of his mouth. But he knew no other way to speak to a superior officer. “I will figure it out.”

It was a little bit easier, coming into the hospital and seeing Hailey, after their visit the night before. And he tried to pretend that he didn’t see the note of surprise in her smile when she greeted him. He didn’t know what to do with the fact that at least part of her expected him to flake. He put that notion on the back burner, wanting to focus all of his attention on Hailey today.

Dr. Broder was an average-looking guy, though he seemed a little blunt for someone who exclusively worked with people having mental health crises. He sat across from the two of them in an office and delivered his thoughts.

“So, Hailey, the nursing notes tell me that you’re interested in starting medication now?”

She nodded. “I’m still not sure how much they will help, but at this point, I feel like I’m willing to try anything. I am tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my thoughts.”

“Okay, I think we can start you on a low dose of an SSRI. That’s a class of drugs indicated for depression, specifically, but this particular medication also has good effect with anxiety disorders, too. Based on what you’ve told me, as well as the nurses, I think the anxiety is the more pressing issue for you right now.”

“So,” Jay interrupted, “what does that mean? Are you saying she has an anxiety disorder? Like, if she’s filling out a form, does she check the little box that says ‘anxiety?’”

Dr. Broder paused, weighing his answer before responding. “Here’s the thing: anxiety is a normal human emotion. Everyone experiences it from time to time. What determines when it crosses the line into being a disorder? Basically, when the anxiety either becomes too much for a person to handle, or when they consistently experience anxiety disproportionate to the stimulus. The healthy, normal amount of anxiety serves a purpose: you have a big test coming up, so the stress drives you to study. You have a family history of heart disease, so you see a doctor regularly. Once that anxiety stops serving a purpose, you’re probably looking at an anxiety disorder.”

“So, like, anxiety that keeps you from sleeping for days on end?” Hailey probed.

“Well, you make a good point,” the doctor continued. “Life is full of stressors, and sometimes immense anxiety is an expected response to an immense amount of stress. And it is entirely possible, based on what you’ve shared about the weeks leading up to your episode, that you were under a great deal of stress. However, my suspicion is that, while maybe something happened to push you over the edge, that you have been dealing with underlying anxiety for a long time. So I think it is wise to treat you as if that’s the case. Maybe a few weeks’ worth of therapy will prove me wrong. But I would much rather that than to leave you untreated in the hopes that this just goes away on its own.”

Jay was happy to hear that the psychiatrist’s analysis more or less lined up with what Will had told him.

“So we start the medication,” Jay asked. “Then what? She’s already doing therapy. How long does she have to stay here?”

“Yes, let’s talk about discharge. You’ve made sufficient progress since you’ve been admitted - a model patient, really - and I believe that you would be safe to discharge from inpatient status tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Hailey exclaimed. “But I just got here! And I haven’t had any, I don’t know, breakthroughs, or whatever.”

“Let me finish,” Dr. Broder said. “Maybe you haven’t had any ‘breakthroughs,’ but the main criteria for keeping you inpatient is safety, and you have made improvements there. The nurses’ notes for the last 24 hours say that you haven’t had any thoughts about hurting yourself. Your judgment is clear, you’re invested in your care, and you have good safety awareness. You have someone at home with you, so we don’t have to worry about you being alone. And I’m assuming your firearm has been secured?” He looked to Jay to verify his last point. “We would still keep you admitted under our outpatient program. It’s five days a week, nine to four, and closely follows the schedule of the inpatient unit. You would continue to meet regularly with your therapist, your group, and me. You would just go home every night.”

Hailey raised her eyebrows. “So, it’s like day camp for depressed people.”

Jay looked at her and shrugged. “Better than prison for depressed people?”

Hailey rolled her eyes at him, and it looked so normal and right and her that he hated to bring up the next topic that he needed to address.

“Here’s the thing, though… I think that all sounds great, but I actually have to go out of town in a few days.”

“What, why?” Hailey exclaimed.

“Hailey, I’m really sorry. I absolutely did not plan it this way, but remember I said I had to go to El Paso for debriefing?”

“You said that would be in three weeks!”

“Yeah, well, I thought it would be, but they moved it up. And it’s the DOD and DEA so you know they’re serious. I would probably end up in real jail if I skip out on it. I thought… Well, I had thought that maybe it would work out better that way, that I could get it out of the way while you were still here, and then when you came home I could be there too and we could both just focus on getting you better. I’m so sorry, Hailey. I am, but there’s nothing I can do.”

He may as well have been speaking to a wall. He could see her deflating as he spoke, closing in on herself while her eyes glassed over.

“Well, that would complicate discharge,” the doctor said.

“No,” Jay said. “I can find someone. We have family, friends. Or one of our coworkers, I know Torres wouldn’t mind. I’ll figure it out. It’s only a few days and I’ll be back. Just, please. Please don’t let my problems interfere with Hailey getting what she needs.”

He was leaving. Again.

After all the claims and promises Jay made to her not even 24 hours ago, he was going to leave just as easily as he had last time. 

How many times was she going to go around in this circle before she would learn?

And on top of that, they were going to kick her out of here after only a few days. Hailey confused herself with her reaction to that news; it wasn’t exactly like she was having a good time. But she felt safe here, not only in a physical sense, but also in that she was shielded from all the facets of outside life that had driven her into the ground. There were no distractions here, no responsibilities, and she had been able to direct all her focus on what was going on inside of her. And as difficult, even painful, as that had been, she hated to think how hard it would be at home. In her sad, pitiful little apartment where it had all gone so wrong in the first place.

Hailey missed the ending of their discussion, barely brought herself out of her own head enough to give Jay a dispirited nod before he left the hospital, promising to see her in a few hours for visitation.

As if his promises meant anything anymore.

She made her obligatory appearance at lunch, and even made a reasonable effort to eat, before giving up and returning to her room. In the early morning hours, she had received a roommate - a woman about ten years her senior who felt the need to share all the sordid details of her manic state that led to her admission - so even the solace she had once felt in the sad excuse for a bedroom seemed no longer attainable.

Maybe it was time for her to get out of here.

Lucky for her, Hailey had ample opportunity to discuss it during her individual therapy session, where it seemed her reluctance had already been made known to her therapist. It still threw her for a loop, being reminded that the various staff members all shared information about her with each other. She knew, rationally, that it only made sense for everyone on her care team to be on the same page. But she couldn’t quite avoid that feeling of being manipulated, like they were all in on some secret that they were keeping from her.

But she knew that must not be the case, if not for any other reason than how bluntly they spoke to her.

“Aside from your husband being gone, what are your hesitations about getting out of here?” Steven asked her. 

And it took Hailey a minute to compile her answer. “The last time I was home… I don’t want to think about that night. I don’t want to be reminded of it, and I certainly don’t want to put myself in a position where I’m tempted to repeat it. And I just… the first few days in here were such a whirlwind, I just now feel like I’m getting my bearings. Just in time for another big upheaval. I guess…” she shrugged in defeat. “I guess I’m just scared.”

“Would it help you to know that’s a very common concern?”

“Maybe a little.”

“I would also encourage you to think about it this way: the longer you’re here, the harder that transition is going to be. This environment is, by design, very different from the world that awaits you at home. So that means every breakthrough, every moment of self discovery, any coping mechanisms you develop, anything you learn while you’re here… it can be challenging to try and apply it to life beyond these walls. That’s one reason why we try to reintegrate you to your ‘real life’ as soon as we feel it’s safe. Because then you don’t have to struggle to relearn as much, and all the new things you discover in the outpatient group… Well, then, you can just apply it as you go. And, Hailey, we know that the more family is invested in the process, the better the outcomes. That’s scientific fact, we have multiple studies that support it. That’s much harder to accomplish if you’re still inpatient. If you have a good support system, it can be really helpful for them to learn as you go, too. Right along with you.”

Hailey had to admit he made some good points. But it was hard to see a good outcome when there was a giant ‘What If?’ hanging over the entire situation. There were just far too many unknowns.

And what of this support system the counselor spoke of? She wasn’t too far inside her own head to have noticed that not every patient here had people coming to see them, especially not every night like she had. And she knew that there were even more people that she could turn to in a pinch, the rest of the team, even her brothers if she was desperate. And Jay. Mr. Knight-in-Shining-Armor was saying and doing all the right things now, but by all indications, this problem was not going to be solved overnight. Would he, would any of them still be there once the novelty and shock value wore off?

Was it fair of her to expect them to?

Well, Jay did keep his word, at least for now, and he showed up a few short hours later for visitation. Hailey contemplated turning him away again, unsure there was anything for them to talk about that wouldn’t just piss her off. But she recalled the logistics that still needed ironing out. If they were going to ship her out of here tomorrow, it’d be best if they had some sort of game plan.

So she swallowed down all her confusion and steeled herself for whatever conflict lay ahead. But Jay, perhaps sensing her uncertainty or perhaps out of guilt, came prepared tonight with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake. She was taken aback by his thoughtfulness, whatever motivated it. And now she was off-kilter; was this a peace offering or a distraction to soften the coming blows?

“I figured you probably weren’t eating super well in here. I thought I was going to have to sneak it past the nurse, but he didn’t seem to mind.”

He? Hailey turned to see that there was indeed a male staff member behind the nurses’ station where Patrice usually sat.

She turned her attention back to the ice cream. “Yeah, the real trick will be getting them to let me have a spoon to eat it with.”

Jay looked at her, perplexed.

“Oh yeah, our silverware is heavily monitored. Although, it makes sense. You ever notice how sharp the edge of a plastic spoon is?”

Ever the gentleman, Jay went himself to haggle a spoon from the unknown nurse, and soon enough Hailey was working on the ice cream. The thought of the sweetness was sufficient to see her through the first few bites, but she lost some steam as she realized it just didn’t taste as good as she remembered. Jay’s silence as she ate further piqued her nerves, and it made her stomach turn. 

There would be no more Ben & Jerry’s tonight. She held the spoon out to her husband, an unspoken offer to finish what she couldn’t.

“That’s all you want?” Jay asked, not bothering to hide his disappointment.

She shook her head. “It’s not… I appreciate it, Jay, but my appetite just isn’t quite there yet.”

She didn’t even know what that meant, but he accepted it as an explanation nonetheless.

“So… Did they say anything else to you? About going home?” His voice was practically dripping with hesitation, and it irked Hailey that he was handling her so gently. He took a spoonful of the ice cream waiting for her response.

“Yeah. I still don’t necessarily feel ready, but I guess that’s normal. And my therapist said it’ll only get harder the longer I wait. But I guess they’ll have to put it on hold until you get back from Texas.” 

If you come back from Texas.

“Yeah, about that.” He paused for a minute to dig through the tub. Probably trying to fish out a chunk of strawberry. The man loved his fruit. “If that’s preferable for you, to stay here, I totally get that. They said it might cause an issue with insurance, but that’s beside the point. But,” he set the container down now and looked her straight in the eye, “if you’re ready to be out of this place, I think I found a good place for you to crash until I get back.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t just need a place to crash, Jay, I’m supposed to be, like, monitored. That’s the whole reason I can’t just stay by myself, because I guess I’m super at risk for dangerous behavior until these meds kick in, or something.”

“I know, Hailey. Poor choice of words, I’m sorry. I was trying…”

She jumped in when he couldn’t finish his thought. “You were trying to make it sound light and fluffy, but it’s not, Jay. You don’t have to tiptoe around the truth for me.”

He placed the lid on the ice cream container before answering, “Noted.” Apparently he had had enough, too. “Although I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say you’re at a high risk of dangerous behavior. I don’t think they would let you out if that were the case. It’s just not a great idea for you to be alone for too long right now. So, I talked to Trudy.”

Hailey pinched her eyes shut as if that could undo what Jay had already done. But she felt his hand squeeze her knee in response, and that almost made it worth it.

“I know, I know, but listen: she already knows you’re here, right? And we’re going to have to keep her, and Voight, somewhat in the loop as you recover. I know that’s not what you want to hear, Hailey, but it’s the truth. No more tiptoeing, right?”

He waited for her to open her eyes and nod at him before going on.

“Trudy’s going to know, and she’s going to understand. And she’s definitely not going to tiptoe around your feelings. But you trust her. And I trust her. And she has a spare bedroom, and a few more weeks of her reduced hours from Mouch’s accident.”

Hailey pursed her lips. “And she agreed?”

“Of course.”

“Even with an injured husband?”

“Are you kidding, Hails? He’s nearly recovered, and they’re close to driving each other up the wall by this point, judging from the way she tells it. And it’s only for a few days. I already have my return ticket booked for Thursday. I think they would both love a little distraction.” He hesitated, clearly unsure whether to continue. “To tell the truth, Hailey, I think any of them would be thrilled to see you at all right now. I don’t know if it’s good for me to tell you, but they care a lot about you. About what you’re going through right now. And I think they want to help, but it can be tricky to know how. Want to respect your space and privacy and all. But I know if you were to reach out, they would show up for you. Just something to think about.”

Like she didn’t already have plenty to think about.

The decision to submit to her doctor’s suggested treatment plan brought with it some sense of ease. And while Hailey knew a single dose of her new medication wasn’t going to fix her overnight, she decided to refrain from taking the bedtime anxiety med unless she really needed it. This plan hit an immediate speed bump, however, when she faced the reality that sharing a room with someone in a manic state was not overly conducive to a good night’s rest.

So it was with a small amount of guilt and a good deal of frustration that she trekked out to the nurses’ station to ask for her fix.

“Why didn’t you ask for it at evening check-in?” asked the new nurse who didn’t bother to introduce himself.

“Well, I was really hoping not to need it tonight.”

The man retrieved her the pill and then quickly turned back to his computer. “Anything else? It’s after lights out.”

“No, thanks.” She turned to leave but then changed her mind. “Actually, I was just wondering where Patrice was. She’s not working tonight?”

“Nope. Did you think she lives here, or something? Believe it or not, even nurses are entitled to some time off.”

“Right.” Hailey bristled at his terseness, and she found herself missing her work, where she could easily reply in turn without any fear. But that wasn’t the case here. She didn’t know this man, what he might say or do. He was in the position of power, and she didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize what little progress she had made.

Because that interaction had settled it. Hailey needed to get out of here. She was ready to go home.

Chapter Text

It was a Saturday. Hailey had forgotten the significance of days of the week. Couldn’t believe it had been less than a week since she was unceremoniously ushered into this place. Shoot, every day in the hospital felt like its own week.

But the coincidence was not lost on her that the day that symbolized freedom for a good portion of the population now symbolized her own liberation back into the real world.

She hadn’t missed it. But she knew she couldn’t hide behind these cinder block walls forever.

There were still some hoops to jump through. Safety measures to check. Prescriptions to fill. Instructions to sign. Terms to agree to. Because even though she would be free from the confines of the inpatient unit, the outpatient group she would be joining was still considered partial hospitalization. The staff would still be monitoring her and her progress closely, so there had to be a clear understanding of what was expected from her at home.

She was glad Jay was there, looking fresh as a daisy, as the nurse reviewed all the discharge instructions with them, because she was having trouble focusing on them. Her brain was in overdrive again. And really, the basics were pretty straightforward: Take her meds. Show up to her sessions. Prioritize sleep. Don’t hurt herself. Rinse and repeat.

At last, the nurse cut off the anonymized ID bracelet from her wrist and then gave Hailey a plastic bag full of her personal belongings that came in with her. It wasn’t much: an old t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants that she never wanted to see again (maybe she could burn them), her cell phone, and her wedding ring. The phone needed to be charged, having sat unused for nearly a week. Hailey shuddered to think about the sheer mass of information it held on the other side of its dead battery; maybe she would consider burning it, too. Her wedding ring, however, bore a significance so heavy that it made her heart quicken. Jay was standing right there, observing her as she rolled it carefully between her finger and thumb.

“You want to put it back in the bag?” he asked.

“What?”

“You don’t have to put it on, if you don’t want to. You know that, right?”

Hailey looked down at the ring once more, then jammed it onto her finger without another thought. “For better or for worse, right?”

“But that wasn’t a part of our wedding vows, though,” he retorted. “I believe the exact verbiage was ‘in sorrow and in joy.’” He followed with one of his signature smirks, and for a moment, Hailey felt a flicker of familiarity fanning within her at his teasing. He really could be a pain in the ass sometimes.

But the way that he casually reached for her hand as they made their way out of the hospital into the parking lot provided an even clearer picture of the version of her husband she was trying to remember. 

They had the ‘sorrow’ part down pat; maybe it was time for a little joy.

Hailey held her breath as she followed him into the apartment. Their apartment. They were here, together, everything she had thought she wanted for months on end. She should have been overjoyed at her luck, kissing him into oblivion and whispering ‘I love yous’ meant for only his ears to hear. Instead, all she felt as she walked into her own kitchen now was the overwhelming urge to cry.

Not that that meant much these days. Her tears had fallen without discretion this week, and she had been in enough therapy now to understand that they could derive from the overabundance of any emotion. It didn’t necessarily mean that she was sad.

No, she didn’t feel sad. She felt scared, suddenly, frozen from indecision in her own apartment. What do I do now? No answer to that question felt right, and she found herself longing for the rigid structure she had just left, where every decision was made for her and she didn’t have to think about anything. Now the world of possibilities before her felt unbearably formidable.

She couldn’t trust herself. At all.

“Hey.” Jay was right beside her. “Hailey?”

She nodded, hoping it was a sufficient answer to his unspoken question.

“Come on, why don’t you sit down?”

And it was easy, once he made the decision for her, to make her way to the couch and sink into the cushions. The same cushions where she sat the last time she called him. Where she had to figure out how to say goodbye.

She felt like she was going to be sick.

Her instinct was to run, to flee from these unforgiving memories in an effort to protect herself. But she recalled the advice her therapist had given her about these very fears: the longer she put off facing them, the more painful it was going to be. So she took one long, purposeful, cleansing breath before she forced her eyes open. And it looked the same as always, as it had that night and many other nights before. But, her chest didn’t feel quite as tight the second time around. Maybe from desensitization after the initial shock wore off, or maybe because right now, there was one key difference: Jay was there, perched on the arm of the sofa, looking at her with poorly-veiled concern.

“Sorry,” she offered. “It’s just… a lot.”

He nodded. “That’s understandable, Hailey. There’s no rush… Do you want to talk about it?” The look on his face told her that he was as reluctant to bring it up as she was.

“No,” she stood. “I want to take a shower.”  

Because that will fix everything.

“Hailey,” he called after her as she headed towards the bathroom.

She turned, then raised her eyebrows when he didn’t continue.

“Are you… Look. Will you be okay in there? Alone?”

“What, you didn’t hide the razor blades?” she challenged.

The hurt on his face almost made her wish she hadn’t answered so defensively. Almost.

“Look, Hailey, yesterday you told me to stop dancing around the harder parts of your situation, so I am asking you, as plainly as I can, if I need to be worried about you alone in the shower. And I am trusting you to give me an honest answer. Because if we can’t talk about this, I don’t know how this is going to work.”

She leaned wearily against the doorframe, staring down at her hands with a modicum of shame. “Jay, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I wouldn’t do that to you.” He didn’t answer, so she lifted her eyes to assess his body language.

“Okay,” he finally said with a brief nod. “Can you promise that you’ll let me know if that changes?”

“I promise,” she said sincerely. “You will be the first to know.”

Jay would describe their first night at home together as fair to middling. Hailey was jumpy, which did nothing to ease his own questionable nerves, but he figured that was to be expected. Lots of change and transition in a short period of time could be tricky even under the best of circumstances.

She still wasn’t eating much in the way of actual meals. He debated whether he should even try to cook dinner, knowing she likely wouldn’t eat much, but he just as quickly realized that was a dangerous precedent to set. So he boiled some pasta and roasted some carrots and tried not to take it personally when her plate was still half-full when she took it to the sink.

The real challenge, they both knew, was hanging over them until it was a late enough hour to go to bed. It was something they had done countless times before, but the air was tense as the hour drew closer.

He had turned the TV on, and they both sat in front of it, though Jay suspected she was even less aware of the baseball game playing than he was. “Look, Hailey…” he started. “Why don’t you go ahead into the bedroom and try to sleep? I’ll stay on the couch tonight.”

WIthout moving her head, she slid her eyes towards him, and her eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Have you been sleeping on the couch all week?”

“No, I’ve been using the bed. But… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and since it’s been such a struggle for you lately, I thought it would be best to let you have the room to yourself. No distractions.”

“Jay, do you really think that I sleep better without you?”

He ran his finger over a few of her toes that had made their way onto his side of the couch. “I think that a lot has changed since the last time we shared a bed. And I didn’t want to make any assumptions.”

At this admission she sat up, leaning much closer to him and looking at him square on. “Here’s the thing, Jay: Things are complicated right now; we both know that. But I think we both also know that avoiding each other isn’t going to help matters much. And I hope you also know that I spent approximately 300 nights sleeping in that bed alone, wishing more than anything that you were in there with me. And it feels really dumb to do that one more night than I have to. So, if it’s okay with you, I would really like to sleep next to my husband tonight.”

Actually going to sleep, though, was another matter entirely. Jay was willing to put up with some awkwardness as they went about their nightly routine as if there hadn’t been a ten-month gap in their ritual. But once their teeth were brushed and the fan was on, the curtains drawn and the extra pillows from Jay’s side stacked neatly on the floor while she kept one of her own for extra support, they climbed into bed and neither of them said a word. He could practically feel her thoughts buzzing around inside of her head, and it would be nothing short of a miracle if she fell asleep without any intervention. But he knew better than to just jump into action. 

“Hailey?”

“Yeah?” 

She sighed with reluctance as she answered, and it was almost enough for him to back down. But like with dinner, Jay knew that any habit he started tonight would be hard to break in the many days to follow. What he needed to say would probably lead to an uncomfortable discussion between them, but it’s not like they were going to be able to avoid those altogether. This was the beginning of their next chapter together, and he wasn’t going to start by avoiding the hard stuff.

One could argue that was what had led them here in the first place.

“Hailey, I don’t want to be telling you what to do. But is there a particular reason you don’t want to take a Xanax? You said they were really helping you sleep while you were in the hospital.” 

She flopped over onto her side, facing away from him. “I’m not in the hospital anymore, Jay. And I don’t want to become dependent on them. They are a controlled substance, you know. It’s a slippery slope.”

“Okay, that’s fair. But I can tell that you’re really wound up… Is there something else we can do to help you relax? White noise, yoga? Do you want to go for a run? It’s probably been a minute since you’ve done any physical activity.”

She turned over again, this time punching the pillow into her desired shape before settling, the blue of her eyes now visible to him as he accustomed to the darkness.

“Jay… I was really hoping it wouldn’t be this hard. That I would sleep better with you here.”

He looked at her for a moment, analyzing her gaze for any hidden meaning before he answered. “Well, get on over here, then. I don’t think lying side by side like mummies counts as really trying. Do you?” He lifted his arm, a clear invitation for her to snuggle up next to him. But she just bit her lip, staying exactly where she was.

“What, Hailey? I’m trying here, but I can’t read your mind, and you’re sending some mixed signals. Do you even want to sleep?”

“God, Jay, what kind of question is that?” She sat up and tossed the blankets aside. “Of course I want to sleep! It’s the only time my jerk of a brain ever shuts up. What I don’t want is to get used to sleeping beside you when you’re just going to leave again. Because then I’m stuck in a spare room in a place I don’t know and you’re nowhere to be found. What then?”

“Hailey,” he insisted, “my love, it’s three nights. Three. And I know my word doesn’t carry much weight right now, but I promise you I am coming back as soon as I can. And it’s not going to be like it was… we’ll be in the same time zone, I’ll have cell service. We can talk every morning and every night. And I know it will be hard, but we can do hard things. Hell, we’ve both been undercover longer than that. It’s not forever, Hails. And I would hate to think that you’re depriving yourself of a good night’s rest now because of something that might happen later.” He held his hand out to her once more. “If there’s something I can do to help, then I want to do it. Please let me help.”

Slowly, Hailey lay back down. Wordlessly, she rolled onto her side and curled up right next to him, making contact but not moving to embrace him any further. Jay was going to view it as a win, though, especially when she allowed him to move his arm around her so that he could run his fingers through her hair. And for a moment, it was nice, having the opportunity to murmur his love and his pride to her. But her posture remained stiff, and Jay still wasn’t convinced that his presence wasn’t actually making things worse.

“You’re never going to fall asleep with your shoulders up around your ears like that. Come on, Hailey, try and relax.” He moved his hand to the muscles of her neck, giving rhythmic pressure to them until slowly, little by little, he felt them unclench. “There you go. Just let it out.”

But even when the tension had left her body, Hailey’s mind marched on.

“Jay?” He could hear the fatigue heavy in her voice.

“Mm-hmm?”

“Talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Anything. I just need to hear your voice.” 

A small smile snuck out as he thought about what topic could keep him talking for long enough to lull her to sleep, but she beat him to the punch. 

“Tell me about Bolivia.”

So he did.

He thought he was onto something with the running, so he brought it up again the next morning. But she still seemed to be dragging her feet.

“Actually, Jay, I haven’t been running much lately. Or at all.”

“Really? You were making such good progress, I thought.”

She shrugged. “I guess you could say that I lost the motivation. Seemed kind of pointless to run just for the sake of running.”

He took a long pull of his coffee while she ran her finger around the rim of hers. The silence wasn’t quite as awkward as it had felt yesterday, but it was still lacking the homey weekend vibes they had once had.

“Well, is there something else that sounds more enticing? I really think exercise would be a good outlet for you.”

“You calling me out of shape, Halstead?”

He chuckled. “Wouldn’t dream of it. That’s why I was surprised to hear that you haven’t been running, because you seem just as fit as ever.”

“Well…” Hailey averted her gaze to look out the window, “I have been going to the gym some.”

“The gym? You?”

“Uh-huh. With Dante.”

“Oh.” Jay said, taken aback. Hailey had never been a gym enthusiast, only going with him every so often, and usually begrudgingly. She much preferred her exercise to be unstructured. And it stung a little to hear that she had been going consistently with another man, even if it was just Torres. And he was 99% sure that their relationship was completely platonic. 

“It’s not like that, Jay.”

“Oh, I know. And it would be a really bad move for you to tell me, if it were. But I am curious how he got you to go to the gym on a regular basis.”

Hailey blushed as she responded, and it was refreshing to see any color on her face. “We fight.”

“Excuse me?”

“We fight… spar… wrestle… I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like combat training. And it’s a lot more gratifying than running. You never know when you may need those skills to save your life.”

Jay replied, “Well, running can be useful in an emergency, too. But I guess it takes all kinds. So… Do you want to go to the gym and fight today? I can call Torres.”

All color and emotion drained from her face in a heartbeat. “No, Jay, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” His ask was gentle but persistent. And when she finally vocalized an answer, it wasn’t at all what he expected.

“Because he’s busy. He goes with his mom to church on Sundays.”

And Jay couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that. “I’m sure he could spare you an hour in the afternoon. What do you say, Hailey? I can shoot him a text right now. I feel highly confident that he will agree.”

She bit her lower lip, face fully conveying the anxiety she felt at the idea, but Jay was not going to make any assumptions about her response. He would wait until she found the words herself (mostly because he was fairly certain that she would come to the same conclusion he had. She just had some internal battles to fight first).

“What am I going to say to him?” she finally admitted in a whisper.

“Probably whatever trash talk you two normally do on these outings.” He took a risk, placing his hand at the base of her neck and giving it a few rubs before he continued. “You don’t have to dwell on the past, Hailey. I think he will just be really happy to see you. It’ll only be as weird as we make it.”

“Maybe you’re underestimating my ability to make things weird.”

“Maybe.” He gave her neck one last squeeze and moved his hand to tuck a strand of her unruly hair behind her ear. “But I doubt it. I have been your partner for a very long time.”

That sentiment earned him a small smile, and it renewed his conviction that they were going to make it through this. One little baby step at a time.

Torres was already there when they arrived at the gym, giving a few jabs to a punching bag. The way Hailey’s body tensed was palpable to Jay just through their joined hands, but her steps remained steady as they walked towards him.

Torres, to his credit, was as unassuming as ever. He gave Hailey a quick once-over before asking her, “Do you need to warm up? I’ve been here a minute already.”

She hesitated, taking in Dante’s relaxed demeanor before she nodded. She took a few swings at the punching bag herself, rolling her shoulders every now and then. Jay couldn’t imagine the amount of tension she was carrying in them. 

“Halstead,” Torres nodded his greeting toward Jay while Hailey warmed up.

“Torres. Thanks for doing this, man.”

The other man shrugged. “We’ve been doing this a few times a week for a while. No big deal.”

But it was a big deal. Jay could tell, once they moved to the mat and started in earnest, that getting Hailey out of her head for a few minutes was going to work wonders. And Torres didn’t take it easy on her; it wasn’t long before they were both panting and red from the exertion. But Hailey held her own, and Jay couldn’t help but admire her as she swung her body around in an effort to pin Dante’s to the ground. It was sexy as all get out, but it was a visible reminder that she was a fighter. And Torres, with his strong, quiet presence, was the perfect antidote to her feistiness and fury. He was exactly what she needed right now, and Jay could have kissed him for responding so evenly to the situation, except for the awkwardness that would present for all involved.

He did, however, take his turn on the mat with him when Hailey took a break to catch her breath. Jay hadn’t exactly lost his form in Bolivia, but hand-to-hand combat wasn’t a commonly utilized tactic in the DEA. He tried his best to keep up with the younger man, but it wasn’t long before he was feeling winded, too. They all took a water break then, and once he had rehydrated and returned to the mat, Jay turned his eyes to his wife instead of Torres. He raised his eyebrow in a clear invitation to her.

She snorted. “I’m not going to fight you, Jay.”

“Why not? Scared?” He cocked his head in challenge.

Hailey returned in kind, stepping forward until she was right in front of him. “No,” she rolled her eyes for emphasis, “the exact opposite. Because you would go easy on me. And that completely defeats the purpose.”

They rode home in silence, but for once it was the peaceful, sleepy kind and not one laced with unease. More than once, Jay glanced over to the passenger side to see if Hailey had in fact fallen asleep, but she was just staring out the window, deep in thought. Now that the afternoon was drawing to a close, his mind had shifted to everything that would take place the next day, and he didn’t doubt that she was doing the same. But when she finally did turn to face him, what she had to say was surprisingly mundane.

“It feels weird not being in the truck.”

He gave her a half-smile in return. “Yeah, I miss it, too. I’ve been thinking that I’m going to have to buy something here in the next few weeks. Think I should get another one?”

“Mm. Maybe. That was a really nice truck, though, right? Probably pretty expensive.”

He shrugged. “Nothing’s going to be cheap, but we can take a look at our budget once things settle down. You won’t have to put up with me in your car for long.”

Hailey had no response but to turn and resume looking out the window. Jay couldn’t tell if it was a reaction to his statement or if she was just still in a pensive mood. 

“Hey. You okay?”

Her reply was immediate and much stronger than her previous remarks. “I’m really starting to hate that question.”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to check-”

She cut him off. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that directed at you. It’s just such a difficult question to answer. People - and again, I mean in general, not just you - they don’t ask that because they want to know how you are; they ask because they want you to reassure them. That’s the only acceptable answer: ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Of course, why wouldn’t I be?’ It just makes things harder for the person you’re asking. It just reminds them that their problems affect other people, too.”

Jay was a little shocked to hear such an authentic response. But he couldn’t deny that she had a point. “You know, you’re right. I had never really thought about how much pressure that question could be. I’m guessing you’ve had a lot of personal experience with that lately?”

He took advantage of a break in traffic to chance a look over to her when he sensed her turning back towards him. Her face was open and honest, and the tiniest wrinkle of her brow served as a sufficient answer to his question.

He continued, “Okay, well, for what it’s worth, Hailey, you can always tell me how you’re doing. Good, bad, or ugly. Whether or not I ask, how I phrase it, whatever. You can tell me, okay? I never want you to feel like you have to suppress anything on my account. Is there… Is there a better question for me to ask? A different way to check in with you?”

“Well, in the hospital, they would ask us how we were feeling on a scale of one to ten. Physically, mentally. Or sometimes they would ask me to name an emotion that I was feeling.”

“Okay, Hails. Let me try again. Can you tell me one emotion that you’re feeling right now?”

She chuckled lightly. “How did I not see that one coming? Okay, um, tired. What about you? What’s one thing you’re feeling right now?”

Jay didn’t think it was fair for her to turn the tables on him like that so suddenly. He ran through some options in his head before he settled on the most predominant one.

“Worried.”

“About what?”

He sighed. Jay really wasn’t sure it was advisable to be dumping anything of his own on her at this moment, but he would also be the world’s biggest hypocrite if he didn’t.

“You. Us. Being away from you for the next four days. The trip as a whole, honestly. And I think… I just think that I’m not going to be able to truly relax until all of that is behind me. Until I’m back for good. And then I can put all my focus and energy on you without anything hanging over my head.”

Her hand reached over the console and rested on his bicep. “I’m sorry, Jay. But what did you tell me? ‘We can do hard things.’”

“We can, but I also wouldn’t argue if a few easy things came our way, too.”

“Give it some time.”

Right. Time. Time heals all wounds. His mother used to say that when he and Will were kids. He still wasn’t sure he believed it, especially when one of his biggest wounds was losing the very same woman who preached it all those years. But Hailey was still with him. And he wasn’t naive enough to miss the significance of her answer. All good things were worth waiting for. And she was the very best thing he had. He could wait. He had all the time in the world.

He dipped his chin to kiss her fingers, still firm on his arm. “Copy that, Upton. Now, hypothetically, if I were to stop for a smoothie, in the hopes that you would consume a decent portion of it, what flavor would you want?”

Chapter Text

The sun still hadn’t risen when Trudy knocked on the door of the Halstead/Upton condo Monday morning. She had never been here before; she tried to make a habit of avoiding details about the personal lives of any officers in her district. Those kids in Intelligence sure made it hard, though. Between their long hours and their tangled web of interpersonal relationships leaking over into their work, it was all but impossible to remain aloof to at least the basics. Compared to the tumultuous journey that was the Burgess/Ruzek love saga, Jay and Hailey’s gradual, organic, unassuming slide into a relationship had been a welcome change. She should have known that the illusion of their low-maintenance partnership was only superficial, though. Nothing was that easy when it came to Voight’s army of lonely millennials.

“Hey, Trudy,” Jay greeted upon opening the door. “You’re a little early; I’m not quite ready yet. Sorry.”

“Sergeant Platt, reporting for duty. That means showing up early, even at o’dark thirty. But seriously Halstead, could you have picked an earlier flight?”

Jay led her into the apartment. “Sorry, Sarge, I didn’t book the ticket. And it turns out, the federal government doesn’t care all that much about my convenience.”

Trudy was about to delve into her thoughts on the topic, but stopped short when she saw Hailey sitting at the counter, eating a Pop-Tart straight out of the packet. Jay had asked her to come over so early in the hopes to avoid Hailey having to get up earlier than necessary, but she couldn’t say she was surprised that wasn’t how it turned out. But it still caught Trudy off guard, not quite prepared for what to say to Hailey to ease any discomfort she surely must be feeling about this setup. And Hailey seemed to be thinking similarly, avoiding eye contact as she got up and rounded the counter to dispose of her trash.

“Uh-uh, Upton. Front and center.”

Hailey looked up then, a questioning expression adorning her face. But when Trudy didn’t say anything, she slowly made her way back and stood meekly in front of her sergeant. Trudy wasted no time in throwing her arms around her, pulling her into a hug with an energy that could only be described as maternal.

“If you wanted some time off,” Trudy muttered in a low voice into Hailey’s ear, “you could have just asked.”

The laugh wasn’t audible, but she was fairly certain that’s what the hitch in Hailey’s breath was. Either way, the younger woman relaxed into her hug after that, and Trudy felt that she had sufficiently broken the ice without too much trouble.

“Okay,” Jay said, “I think we’re set. I’ll go ahead and request my ride, and then I can load Hailey’s stuff in your car. That all right, Sarge?”

Trudy walked over to peer at the bags Jay had indicated would be staying with them. An average-sized duffel, a backpack, and two grocery sacks filled to the brim with snack foods.

“You know, when I agreed to have you over for a few days, that included feeding you. You didn’t need to pack the whole supermarket. And Jay, why don’t I just drive you to the airport? Everyone’s awake, we can all go. No need to pay for an unnecessary Uber.”

“That… might actually be a good idea,” he answered, looking over to Hailey for her input. She gave none out loud, but the two of them always did seem to have some unspoken shorthand. “If it’s not too much trouble?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if it was too much trouble.” She rolled her eyes at him overcomplicating things.

Fifteen minutes later and the three of them were on their way to O’Hare. Jay and Hailey chose to sit in the back seat together, which Trudy didn’t mind at all, but she couldn’t keep from letting out a snide comment about being their chauffeur. She didn’t think either of them cared, and if they did, they kept it to themselves. 

She pulled into departures, and then tried to avert her eyes and ears as they said goodbye to each other. Hailey hadn’t said two words all morning, and despite Jay’s easy-going demeanor, Trudy could tell that he was also nervous about their impending separation. She had a surprising amount of empathy for the young couple. It wasn’t all that long ago that she sat in a cold hospital waiting room, uncertain if her husband was going to make it through to see another day. She couldn’t imagine how she would react if someone had forced them apart during his recovery. She wouldn’t have been nearly as calm as Jay and Hailey were, that was for sure. And Trudy was hit again with a wave of sentiment that she was the one they had trusted to fill in the gaps in Jay’s absence.

So she didn’t take it lightly, as she stepped out and rounded the car to where Hailey stood once Jay made his way into the terminal. He was no longer in sight, but Hailey still had her eyes fixed on the automatic doors where he had just been. Trudy pulled her into a hug once more, and this time Hailey returned the gesture. It seemed pretty evident that she just needed something to hold onto.

“Come on,” Trudy said, opening the passenger door for her. “Let’s go get you some breakfast that doesn’t come in a foil packet.”

For all the dread Hailey had felt about having to stay with Trudy and Mouch, she found their home very inviting. It was small and cozy in a way that reminded her of her grandparents. That realization made the whole thing seem a little bit more bearable: it was just like she was spending a week with her grandparents.

Of course, she would never tell Trudy that.

Being dropped off with her backpack full of snacks (because Jay thought she was more likely to eat simple things in small quantities; he wasn’t wrong) at the hospital only furthered that sensation. But the outpatient program that was now her norm shattered that illusion for the seven hours she was there. It was surreal; going back there after having two full days away only emphasized the absurdity of the treatment she was submitting to. It was crazy to think that her climb back to normal required her to crawl into her brain every day and just hack away at everything she thought she knew. To analyze and test every thought to see where it came from and how it served her. It would have been easy enough to dismiss, but Hailey had already seen small glimpses of improvement. She just hated to think about how far she still had to go.

But the first day came and went without major incident, and soon enough Trudy picked her up and brought her to her home for the next three nights, where they were met with the tantalizing aroma of marinara sauce.

“Spaghetti bolognese,” Mouch announced, emerging from the kitchen to greet them.

“Geez, Randall, why do you have to fancy everything up?” Trudy asked as he kissed her cheek. “Spaghetti. It’s spaghetti. Noodles. Sauce. Meat. Parmesan straight from a jar. It’s a midwestern staple.”

It didn’t take Hailey long at all to see what Jay meant when he had told her that Trudy and Mouch had probably been spending too much time together. But even in their gibes and sarcasm, she could tell they both harbored a great deal of care for the other. And she was especially appreciative that neither of them seem overly focused on her. 

As the meal wound down, Trudy pushed Mouch out to the sofa to catch the end of the news. “You cooked, we clean. That’s the deal.” 

Hailey stacked the dirty dishes and carried them over to the sink, but she didn’t really know where else to go from there. Jay had a specific method to his kitchen cleanup, and she figured Trudy would have her own way of doing things, too. She stood to the side to await further instruction.

“What are you waiting for, Upton? These dishes aren’t going to dry themselves.”

She grabbed a dish towel from where it hung on the oven door and stepped up to the other side of the sink. She was a few dishes in before she muttered, “I wasn’t sure you would want me anywhere near the knives.” The comment lacked the contempt she felt when she spat a similar sentiment to Jay two days ago, but that just meant her genuine fear behind it was easier to detect. Platt stopped in her tracks and looked at her with a piercing stare. 

“Hailey, come sit down.” She turned toward the table.

“No, Sarge, I’m sorry.” Her eyes dropped, suddenly fascinated by the floral pattern of the dish towel. “I didn’t mean it like that. It was… It was just a dumb joke, but I guess it’s too soon for that kind of humor.”

“Hailey. Come sit down.” Trudy repeated her instruction, this time more slowly and deliberate. There was no room for argument, and Hailey had no choice but to do as she was told. She trudged over to the chair next to Trudy, towel still firmly in her grasp as she rested her hands on the table.

“Hailey, listen to me. I know we all did a pretty good job today of acting like everything was relatively normal. But the fact of the matter is that it’s not. And I know you’re not here with Randall and me because you want to be. But Hailey, I’m not sure if you understand just how concerned we are about you. If you fully grasp how it feels to be on our end of this and know how close we were to losing you. That hurts, Hailey. That gets our attention in a way that probably nothing else would. And it is, I think, a very natural response to react to that in extreme ways. It’s not about restriction, or making you feel bad. It’s just how we answer ourselves when we ask, ‘How can we prevent this from ever happening again?’”

“And I know you probably hate that,” Trudy continued. “Being watched and monitored and every change of emotion being analyzed. But I urge you not to view that as some kind of punishment. It’s a precaution. Because something happened last week that allowed you to fall through the cracks. And those of us that care about you, who are responsible for your safety, we can’t let that happen again. And since we didn’t see the warning signs the first time, now we all have our eyes peeled wide open to make sure they don’t sneak past us again. I’m sure it feels suffocating, but it’s not always going to be like this, Hailey. This is all fresh and raw and new for all of us, so it’s all a little excessive right now until we find our footing. Because as far as your wellbeing is concerned, Hailey Upton, I will forever and always be erring on the side of caution. And if the people who love you act a little overbearing, just remember it’s because they care about you. Okay?”

Hailey nodded, not daring to try to speak around the lump in her throat, or the shame burning hot on her cheeks.

“What you’re doing is hard, Hailey, no doubt about it. But it is so important. It seems like I get an email every other week about suicide prevention in the CPD. It’s been a documented problem for a while now, but we haven’t seen much change even after years of raising awareness. But no matter how this plays out for you in your role at work, you started the conversation. With your husband, with your colleague, with your sergeant, albeit unwittingly. You’re making a difference for those in your circle, whether or not you’re aware of it just yet. And I would hate to speak for others, but I feel pretty confident when I say that we are all so proud of you. What you’ve already done, and what you’re committing to do. And we want to support you in any way we can. Even if that means hiding the knives every once in a while. But I think talking about the knives is a lot more useful in the long run, rather than just pretending they don’t exist. Don’t you?”

Hailey bit her lip as she forced out a feeble nod, grateful when she heard Trudy rising and busying at the sink once more without pushing her for a more elaborate response. But just in case she thought her sergeant was going soft, Trudy pulled her out of that misconception in a hurry.

“Upton! Dishes. Now. You ate ten minutes of my time, and Wheel of Fortune comes on soon.”

That night, Jay called.

Hailey knew he would, but she still felt her shoulders relax a bit when his name finally came across her screen during the final round of Wheel of Fortune. She held up her phone in unspoken explanation to her hosts and retreated to the semi privacy of the kitchen to answer. Neither of them seemed bothered by her hasty exit, and for a moment, Hailey considered stepping outdoors to take the call. But she remembered everything that Trudy had just said to her, about how all the extra measures people were taking on her behalf were for her benefit, and she figured the polite thing to do would be to stay close. She was pretty sure she trusted herself, but she couldn’t really blame everyone else if they were still wary.

“Hey, you,” she greeted her husband.

“Hey back at you,” he answered, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “How did things go today? Scale of one to ten?”

Now it was her turn to smile. There was something extremely validating about hearing him intentionally amending his speech after she opened up to him about it. “It wasn’t bad, maybe a seven? The program was a little much, since there’s not really any downtime. But being here at Trudy’s is good; it’s kind of nice being around a married couple that actually gets along. What about you? The DEA begging you to come back yet?”

“No, not yet. Meetings have been about what I expected, and the flight was okay. I give it a five. But tomorrow I have to meet with their psychologist for my reintegration evaluation. So that should be fun.”

Hailey pulled her legs up to sit criss-cross in the chair. “What happens if you fail? Do they not allow you back into civilian society?”

“You know, I’m really not sure. I think probably I would just end up with referrals to some extra resources and maybe a follow-up or two. But don’t you worry, Hails, I’ve done this enough that I know what they want to hear. I’ll make sure to say the right things.”

The turn in what she thought was a teasing question made her switch gears. “Jay, that’s not a super encouraging thing to hear, even though we were kind of joking. If your time down there brought some stuff up, you shouldn’t ignore that.”

“No, Hailey,” he was quick to assure her, “I was still joking. I’m not… there’s nothing you need to worry about, okay? My time down there wasn’t perfect, but I have a handle on it. And I’ve already looked into some support groups in Chicago, and I figure you and I have a good bit of therapy in our future. I’m not ignoring anything; I just don’t think the DEA needs to be privy to every little detail, you know?”

She twiddled with the hem of her pants. “I guess I can appreciate that. It’s not like I have any room to talk. Still trying to figure out how to even interact with my coworkers again.”

“Have you thought about meeting up with anyone else? It wasn’t so bad with Torres, just one on one, right? And Platt was relatively low-key.”

“Yeah. But I have a feeling Kim and Adam won’t be so chill. And they’re kind of a package deal now. Plus, you were here to act like a buffer.”

“It doesn’t have to be a big thing, Hailey. Just shoot them a text. Let them get some of the weirdness out before you see them in person.”

“Eh, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

But on Tuesday night, the decision was taken out of her hands when Trudy asked her over barbecue chicken (Mouch absolutely was making sure she didn’t go hungry) if she was up for a visitor from the 21st District. Before Hailey was able to formulate a response that got her off the hook without sounding avoidant, Trudy explained further.

“Voight’s been asking about you, and frankly I don’t much fancy being the middleman. I figure you can tell him yourself.”

It would be a lot harder to get out of seeing her sergeant. He was a difficult man to evade, and whether his curiosity stemmed from personal or professional reasons, Hailey knew it was only fair to update him on her situation. Considering that he had a front row seat to her spectacular plummet into self-destruction. And that he single-handedly controlled the fate of her career.

So Hailey didn’t say no. And when the doorbell rang a little after eight that evening, she stayed where she was seated on the sofa rather than scurrying up the stairs to hide, so the encounter was already going better than she expected. She even convinced her legs to push her to a standing position, and when Voight confidently approached her and pulled her into a hug, she didn’t fight him on that, either.

It wasn’t the first time her boss had hugged her, but it still felt weird each time it happened. Not in a way of impropriety, but just that it was hard to reconcile the gruff demeanor he displayed 99% of the time with someone who cared anything whatsoever about her feelings. About anyone’s feelings. Because it was a rare reminder just how big his heart could be when he let it out of its cage every once in a while. 

Hailey wasn’t sure how she felt about being one of the few people who got to see that side of him.

Fortunately, the hug was brief, but he kept his hands on her shoulders as he stepped back to look at her. “You look good, Hailey. Glad to see you taking care of yourself.”

At that, she couldn’t suppress a scoff as she shrugged out of his grasp and returned to her place on the sofa. “I’ll tell you what I told Jay: I couldn’t look much worse than the last time you saw me.”

“Well,” he conceded, moving to sit on the opposite end, “there may be some truth to that. But I can tell you’re moving in the right direction. Which is one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay…” she replied, when he didn’t go any further.

Voight sighed, and rubbed his chin, and if she didn’t know any better, Hailey might think he was nervous. “Listen, Hailey, I’m not going to pretend like I understand what you’re going through, what brought you to this point. Whether or not your work played a role. I know this job is hard, and I require a lot from my team. And you are a valuable member of that team. My hope, right now, is that you come back to Intelligence, when you’re ready. And I would like to talk to you more about how that will look, if that’s something you want. But, I want to make this very clear to you, Hailey: if you decide that’s not what you want, that another unit, or, hell, a whole other career, is a better fit, I will completely support that decision, too.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to push me off the team, Sarge,” she answered, cloaking her very real fear as a joke.

And he saw right through her.

“Did I not lead with ‘I want you to come back to Intelligence?’”

“You did.”

“Okay, then.”

There was an uncomfortable pause before she gave in and broke the silence. “What would it look like, if I decided to come back? Permanent desk duty? Would I ever get my gun back?”

“Not at first. We would ease you in very slowly, and there would be a lot of checks and balances in place until things level out. But Hailey, you did yourself a huge favor that night, by calling for help yourself and agreeing to voluntary admission. Because that kept what was, admittedly, a pretty terrible night from becoming an incident I was obligated to report. Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that the details will remain totally private. You’ll have to file with Medical Services about your leave of absence, and they will require information about the incident and an okay from your doctor. But here’s the thing: none of that can be held against you. Because the department has been spouting the importance of suicide prevention for years now… how would it look if they punished the officers who did exactly what we want them to do? Hell, the brass should be tripping over their neckties to show their support to your recovery and reinstatement. Because, really, Hailey, you’re a success story.”

“You must be working with a pretty loose definition of success.”

“You’re still here, aren’t you?”

And she had no snarky response for that, her mouth suddenly going totally dry.

Voight’s tone was less sharp as he continued, “You’ve got to cut yourself a little slack, Hailey. No matter what it is that got you here, you’re going through a lot. It’s not supposed to feel easy just yet. But I know you’re not one to back down from a fight. Just be patient. And remember that you got a lot of people behind you.” He squeezed her shoulder and then stood. “And whenever you and your doctor feel like you’re ready to come back, just let me know. I’ll have the paperwork ready to go. No matter what you decide.”

“Hey, Sarge?” she called, just before he opened the door to leave. “Thank you. For everything.”

Voight gave a succinct nod of his head. “Anytime.” And then he was gone.

And that night, after Voight left, Jay called.

Hailey gave him a brief rundown of the interaction. She was still pretty shaken, coming down from the adrenaline high that had gotten her through one more difficult conversation. But she tried to draw some information from him as well, remembering that his day had also been potentially emotionally taxing. But it was difficult to detect over the phone any discrepancies in his account when he claimed that it had all gone fine, just like he knew it would. He pivoted the conversation to the episodes of Yellowstone he was catching up on from the past year. Hailey was happy to listen to his opinions, but she felt her gut twist a little when she realized he assumed that she was up to date on the episodes, too. That it didn’t even occur to him that she had stopped watching, because it just wasn’t the same without him.

The next night, Jay called, but she didn’t answer.

That afternoon was hard. Hailey was still getting used to the intensive pace of the outpatient program, and her insistence to avoid pharmaceutical aids for sleeping meant she felt herself running thin by the third day of Jay’s absence. So when her last session of the day was about unacknowledged childhood traumas and reparenting techniques, she knew she was skating on very thin ice.

She wanted to zone out, to just drudge through until the clock ran out and she could leave. But that proved to be easier said than done. She knew that the information was important, helpful even. But not yet. She just wasn’t ready. And the effort it took her to absorb the information, to pack it away somewhere in her brain until she could use it without letting it pierce her nearly did her in. So when four o’clock finally came and she climbed into Trudy’s car, she was kinetic with frustration and irritability.

“Whoa, there, Hailey.” Platt immediately picked up on the signals she was too tired to suppress any longer. “What put that bee in your bonnet? Is there someone I need to arrest?”

Hailey leaned her head back on the headrest, the hair tie from her ponytail digging into her scalp. She focused on the annoyance that caused as she closed her eyes and took three slow, deep breaths. Then she said, “No, unfortunately. I wish it were that simple.” She turned her head and gave Platt what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

It must not have worked. Trudy looked back at her incredulously and made no move to put the car in drive.

“I’m going to need a little more from you there, Upton. Are you all right? Did something happen?”

“No, Trudy, it’s fine. Everything went normal. The topic this afternoon was just… not my favorite to dwell on. And now I just kind of want to hit something for a few minutes.”

“Want to hit the gym? I can call Torres on the way, see if he’s up for a midweek skirmish.”

“No, not really. Because I’m also feeling worn out. I think I just need a little time to let all these dumb emotions work their way out.”

Trudy drummed her fingers on the steering wheel for a minute. “Okay, kid. Well, Randall is at his poker game tonight, so you and I can go let off some steam any way you want. What sounds good to you?”

“Trudy, I can’t do that.”

“Do what? Have fun? I didn’t see that listed anywhere in your fancy discharge orders.”

“Okay, maybe not. But I’m not supposed to drink.”

Trudy’s eyes narrowed, as if accepting a challenge. “Oh, Hailey. There are so many other options out there. Karaoke bar. Bowling. Tattoo parlor. Chinese buffet. Star gazing in freaking Grant Park. What’s it going to be?”

“Really, Upton, your ear?” Trudy said to her as she perused the jewelry selection in the glass case. “I’ve never even seen you wear earrings before.”

Platt had dragged her to the nearest decent pizza place to drown her troubles in deep dish. It had worked better than Hailey thought, and once she felt a little more regulated, hydrated, and nourished, she was much more agreeable to Trudy’s plan to get her to do something out of the house. But now she made a face at her sergeant’s clearly subpar observation skills.

“I used to wear them all the time, when I first started at the 21st.”

“Oh, right. When you still dressed like a grown-up. I vaguely recall. But obviously that’s not your vibe anymore. I think you should do something more out there. You could totally pull off a nose ring. Or maybe even a tattoo.”

Hailey turned her attention back to the jewelry. “I stopped dressing like that because no one else in Intelligence did. And I was pretty sure they all thought I was too pretentious as it was. Maybe I leaned into it a little too far. But I’ve wanted to get another piercing since I was in college. There has just always been a reason not to do it. Maybe it will be good for me to do something for no other reason than that I want to.” She shrugged. “Maybe it will help me remember how to feel things again.”

Trudy didn’t say anything more about her decision. But she did give her input on the gemstones, helped her decide on the silver hoop with an opal connector, and let Hailey squeeze her hand when the piercing guy jabbed the needle through the fleshy part of her upper ear. 

When they returned to the car, Hailey pulled down the visor mirror to see that the redness of her ear matched the throbbing she felt. But even amidst the pain, she could detect a little sense of accomplishment that she had finally carried out this frivolous act after contemplating it for years. It was such a tiny thing, but it was the closest thing to excitement that she had felt in a long time. At least, in matters that didn’t pertain to her husband.

That reminded her to check her phone, and sure enough, she had two missed calls and three texts from Jay. She shot him a quick text response to assure him that all was well, and that she would call him back once she escaped the confines of Trudy’s car.

“You’re not going to tell him about this, are you?”

“What, are you scared of how he’ll react?”

Trudy checked her blind spot to switch lanes before she answered. “Not really, no, but it is just now occurring to me that taking you to a shop filled with needles and chemicals may not have been on the approved list of activities.”

“Well, Trudy, I hate to tell you, but Jay worked as a detective for over a decade; I think he will figure it out on his own even if I don’t tell him. But I really don’t think he’ll care.”

“I don’t either,” Platt answered, “but I tell you what, nothing brings out the scary in that man more than threatening someone he cares about.”

Hailey pulled down the mirror to take one more look at her new accessory. “You didn’t threaten me. At least not about this. Don’t worry, I’ll take any heat he brings on the issue. But I think he’ll be fine with it.”

“You’re probably right,” Trudy was watching her from the driver’s side now that they were safely parked in front of her house. “If it makes your eyes light up like that, I guess it can’t be too bad.” 

She got out before Hailey could answer, slamming the door behind her. Hailey gathered her bag and followed after, eager to get to the privacy of the guest room so that she could return Jay’s call. Maybe he could hear a difference in her voice, too. But either way, it had been a big day. There was lots to tell him. And when he picked up after the first ring, her heart relaxed just a little, just as it had each time he had kept his word. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. It was something to hold onto.

Chapter Text

Jay was getting really tired of O’Hare. And airports in general.

His flight had been delayed nearly two hours, and now he was really pushing it to pick Hailey up in time. He knew that staying with Platt wasn’t as bad as Hailey had thought - apparently they went on an excursion to a tattoo parlor together - but he had told her that he would be the one to pick her up today; he really wanted to deliver on that promise. So he sent her a text to keep her abreast and requested an Uber directly to the hospital. 

It had been a draining three days. He had been required to delve back into the mindset he had in Bolivia, to revisit all the details of how much progress they had made in staunching the flow of drugs through Colombia and into the US. He could feel himself numbing as the memories came back, and just when he remembered how to shift into that gear, it was time to meet with the psychologist. None of it felt beyond his control, but he was glad when every ‘i’ was dotted and every ‘t’ was crossed on his release paperwork, relieved to be contractually free from the federal government.

But then he couldn’t forget that comment that Agent McMahon had made. That the Chicago Division would be lucky to have him if he ever changed his mind.

Jay ran a hand down his face. He wondered if it would be weird to lie down for a quick nap in the backseat of an Uber. Much stranger things had probably happened there.

He knew he would need to get a job, sooner rather than later. He had been compensated nicely for his time in South America, but that wasn’t going to last forever. He was going to need a vehicle, and he had no idea whether the care Hailey was currently receiving was covered by her insurance. But right now, the financial needs seemed to pale in comparison to her emotional needs; it would be the worst possible time to start a new job. Especially one associated in any way with the agency that sent him out of the country in the first place.

His priority was being there for her; maybe in a month they would be able to discuss his next move, but he was going to let it be for now.

Their reunion this time around was much more lowkey, but Jay couldn’t deny he was thrilled to lay eyes on his wife once more. And she seemed pleased to see him, too, which shouldn’t have surprised him, but he just couldn’t be sure with how her emotions were see-sawing lately. But they sat happily side by side in the backseat of the Uber as it took them back to their place.

Finally. Jay was ready to go home.

“So,” he said, delicately putting his hand behind her ear, “do I want to know the story behind the piercing?”

“No story,” she shrugged. “That’s just what happens when you leave Platt to babysit me. She wanted me to get a tattoo.”

That drew a laugh out of him. “I should have known she would be a bad influence. Does it hurt?”

“It’s tender, but not too bad as long as I don’t mess with it. Makes it hard to sleep on that side, which I probably should have factored in, but, overall, I’m happy with it. Do you like it?” 

Jay leaned in to take a closer look, careful not to jostle it. “I didn’t think you were very into jewelry, but it suits you somehow. Beautiful, but just a little unexpected.”

His answer seemed to satisfy her. She leaned back into the seat and said, “I have to ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot,” he asked, suddenly nervous.

She looked down, twisting her wedding ring around a few times before she went on. “It would seem that Fridays in the partial hospitalization program are designated for family therapy. Is that something you would be interested in?” She glanced up at him to await his response.

“For sure. What does it entail?”

He saw her shoulders drop in relief. “I don’t really know. Instead of individual therapy, they talk to us together. They say it’s supposed to be helpful. It would be at 10:15 tomorrow.”

“Of course, Hailey. If you want me to come, I’ll be there.” He decided to take advantage of this turn in conversation to touch on another topic. “But, I have to ask you something, too.”

She just raised her eyebrows in return.

“Adam texted me yesterday and asked if we wanted to come for dinner tomorrow night. Said Makayla was having a friend sleep over so they wanted some extra adults around to dilute the energy. I told him we would let them know once I got back.”

Hailey pursed her lips, taking a moment to think over her response. “I guess we don’t really have a good reason to say no, do we?”

“Not unless you want to meet up with Platt for that tattoo.”

Jay hadn’t realized when he mentioned attending therapy together that it would happen so soon. It made sense, though, once he thought about it. All the materials they had been given about follow-up care mentioned the importance of involving family members in recovery. And even though Hailey had been pretty open to talking about what occurred during her days in the hospital program, she sometimes had difficulty articulating what she was trying to say. He wasn’t sure exactly what they hoped to accomplish during their first session together, but Jay figured at least he would leave with a little better understanding of what she was going through.

By the time he entered the facility and made it through the airport-level security screening, Hailey was already sitting in the nondescript meeting room that he was directed to. He introduced himself to Steven, the therapist Hailey had been seeing but barely mentioned, and made himself comfortable in the chair next to hers.

Steven started, “Well, Jay, since this is your first time, I would like to start off by just explaining a little bit about why we have these family sessions so regularly, and what we hope you both gain by participating. As you probably know, mental health disorders are chronic. What that means is that they are lifelong, and we can’t cure them, so the goal of treatment is to help you learn to manage the symptoms to be as minimally disruptive to your lives as possible. And since most people share various aspects of their lives with other people, we find it’s easier to do that if some of those other people - a select, trusted few - are involved in the process. Hailey indicated that was something you’re agreeable to do?”

“Absolutely,” he nodded enthusiastically. “I mean, she’s my wife. I want to help her in whatever way I can.”

“All right, then, good,” Steven continued. “So, I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in therapy before-”

“I have. She made me,” Jay admitted with a smile, giving her a little nudge with his elbow at the memory.

“Made you?”

“Not like that,” Hailey explained. “We weren’t even together yet.”

“Well, we were together as partners,” Jay said. “Just not romantically.”

“So you two worked together before you started dating?” Steven asked. “You must have been close, though, for her to impact your decision like that.”

Jay replied, “Well, I’m assuming you know what we do for a living. It’s intense work, so we had to have a lot of trust in our partners. I was going through a bad time with post-traumatic stress from my time in Afghanistan, and I was making some questionable choices. Hailey told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to work my stuff out, or she was going to find another partner. I didn’t want to lose her, so I did.” He smiled at her as he finished his summary. “And it helped.”

“It sounds like you have had your own share of experience with trauma. That can be challenging, especially when you’re trying to help a loved one going through a difficult time. I wonder if either of you have felt like that has an impact on your relationship. What do you think, Hailey?”

She was silent for a moment, scratching her wrist as she thought about her answer. “It’s kind of hard to say, really. Because neither of us like to talk much about our pasts. Our experiences were very different, even if they both might be considered ‘traumatic.’”

“And have you found that approach to be helpful?”

“No,” Jay answered for himself.

“Can you explain?” the therapist prompted.

Jay turned his attention to his wife, analyzing her reaction to his response. Her body language told of her anxiety, but it had been this way the whole time. She obviously didn’t view her counseling as a relaxing activity, but she wasn’t letting that stop her from participating. He could see the constant battle going on inside her between what was easy and what was necessary. But despite the timidity in her posture, the look she gave him in return was one of curiosity. She wanted to hear his answer, too.

He wasn’t sure she was going to like it.

“Well… I mean, we’re both kind of private people by nature. It’s not easy to just open up about the most difficult parts of your life. But… we’re married. That whole adjoining two lives thing implies that you take on each other’s troubles. But that just… hasn’t happened.”

“Why do you think that might be?”

There was a long and pointed silence until Hailey spoke up. “I think, at least for me, it just doesn’t make sense to dwell on it, and I definitely don’t want to weigh him down with it, too. Like, it’s in the past, I lived through it. Why should both of us be miserable about something when we don’t have to be?”

“But is it really in the past?” Steven asked. “Because what I’m hearing is that it still weighs on you. Both of you.”

“I mean, no,” Hailey said, “obviously not, or we wouldn’t be here. But part of being a responsible adult is learning how to deal with your crap. It’s pretty entitled behavior to expect everyone around you to deal with your issues.”

“Even your husband?” Jay asked quietly. “Because you always reassure me and offer to listen when I get pulled down by something; why is it asking too much for me to return the favor?”

“But,” Hailey replied, pointing out the obvious, “you usually don’t take me up on it. You shut down. I think we both default to suffering in silence. And that clearly is not working.”

And he couldn’t argue with her there.

“Okay,” Steven piped in when neither of them had anything else to add, “I can see that this is a difficult point for you both, and it can be a tricky hurdle. So let’s start small. Let’s try to identify three simple things you can do this week to practice opening up with each other when it may not feel natural.”

Hailey had been surprised by how easy it was for her and Jay to speak freely in the presence of her therapist. They had both acknowledged the precarious position of their relationship since his return from Bolivia, but they had done little more to address it with each other until they were sat in a room with no other purpose but to do so. And it wasn’t exactly groundbreaking, for both of them to admit that they tended to internalize their problems rather than lean on each other when things got hard. But it felt like a step. A first step in the right direction if they were ever going to get down to the nitty-gritty and figure out where the hell they went so wrong. And what they were going to do about it.

But they had talked. The door was open, and it didn’t feel like such a big elephant in the room anymore when Jay picked her up at the end of the day. Hailey had wondered if they would feel pressured to continue digging into the confusing topic that they had only just touched on during the session, but the atmosphere in her car was definitely lighter than it had been in the unremarkable meeting room. Jay seemed to be in a good mood, having spent the afternoon browsing the internet for used cars. Their conversation was easy and casual and truck-heavy as they made their way to Adam and Kim’s house for what was sure to be a memorable dinner.

Although she couldn’t say exactly why, Hailey was immensely thankful that Kim was the one who answered the door.

“Hey, you guys! Long time, no see!” Their hostess greeted them with an enthusiasm that felt ever so slightly forced, and she shook her head after hearing the evident awkwardness in her own voice.

“Hi, Kim.” Jay powered through. “Smells great in here.”

“Hope you guys are hungry; we are having almost every kind of taco imaginable. Adam’s even grilling some steak.”

“Can’t go wrong with tacos,” Hailey agreed as Kim invited them in.

“Come here, you,” Kim muttered, tossing all pretense aside and pulling Hailey into a hug. At least they had managed to get through the front door first. “I’m so glad you’re here, Hailey.” Kim’s embrace seemed natural, not born out of fear or desperation like many of the hugs she’d experienced lately had. The woman had always been one of the more nurturing members of their squad, and she and Hailey had forged a sort of unspoken bond as the only women in the group. It felt right, hugging Kim back. It felt normal.

And when she had her fill, Kim released her without any fanfare and started walking back towards her kitchen.

“Nice to see you, too, Jay, I guess,” she added as she went, and her flippant afterthought of a comment made Hailey giggle.

“Ruze manning the grill?” Jay asked, pointing towards the back deck.

“Mm-hmm, but the girls are out there, too, so be warned that you might be recruited to play a dragon holding them captive in a tower.”

“I will practice my fire-breathing,” he answered before leaving the two women alone in the kitchen.

A silence fell over them when Jay left, the two of them standing side by side as Kim grated some cheese. Hailey was about to ask what she could do to help when Kim spoke again.

“I’m sorry, Hailey. I wish I had known… I should have known.”

“No, Kim, this isn’t-“

Kim held up a hand, turning to look at her straight on. “I’m not saying it’s my fault. I’m just saying that I wish I had done more. And I want you to know that you can talk to me. No matter what. I really don’t want to go through that again.”

“Me neither,” she replied, surprising herself by how easily the words came out. “I’m working on it… How is he doing?” Hailey jerked her head towards the backyard, though they both knew who she was referencing.

“Oh, well, you know Adam.” Kim turned her focus back to the cheese grater. “Bearing the weight of the world but not having any idea what to do about it. He’s been concerned; we all have. But he’s done all right. Focused a lot on work and Makayla. Being a dad has really expanded his emotional intelligence, I think.”

“Yeah, he always was more of a feeler than a thinker, wasn’t he?” Hailey posited, glancing out the window in the door, where she could see the two men chatting away at the grill. “I guess I should go say hi.”

“I think he would appreciate that.”

It said a lot about their relationship that Hailey’s husband and ex being together was the last thing she was concerned about right now. She looked at them both through the door for a moment before swallowing down the hesitation in her throat and stepping outside to join them on the deck.

“Offense has no running game, though,” Adam was saying. “They’re going to have to throw the ball if they have any hope of making it to the postseason this year.”

“That’s part of being a Chicago sports fan though,” Jay countered. “Still believing against all logic that the Bears are going to go all the way.”

“I don’t know,” Hailey added. “Foreman had a decent season last year. Maybe he’ll surprise you.”

Adam nearly dropped the spatula he was holding while his head whipped back to her in surprise. Half a grin appeared on Jay’s face as he observed them both.

“Did I scare you, Ruze?” Hailey teased, unable to help herself at the startled look on his face.

He held the stare for just a fraction of a second before his features relaxed, and he was right back in the game. “Yeah, Upton, you scared me.” He closed the short distance between them and wrapped her up, and his was another hug that she welcomed. “You scared the hell out of me.” This second part came out in a rough whisper. “Don’t do that again. All right?”

He wasn’t letting go, and his big arms were putting a lot of pressure on her chest (that’s what it was, right? Nothing else would be making her chest tight right now), so she just nodded against his shirt.

Adam recovered quickly. “I can’t believe you would come out here, to my house, where I graciously offered to feed you, just to insult my preseason analysis to my face,” he started again as he released her, walking back to his place at the grill. “You’ll see when the season starts, Hailey. You’ll be eating your words.”

“How about I eat some of that steak instead, before you burn it.”

“And now she insults my cooking.”

Before they could get too far into their antics, raised voices from the children in the yard beyond them got Adam’s attention, and he passed his spatula off to Jay so he could go tend to his daughter and her friend.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Hailey asked her husband while he used the utensil to lightly press down on each piece of meat.

Jay shrugged. “Can’t be that hard, right?”

It was serene, standing in the late summer haze, the sun low in the sky with the sounds of crickets and sizzling steak as background noise. Hailey watched as Adam dealt with the situation between the girls: kneeling to their level, a calm hand placed on his daughter’s back even while her body language indicated she didn’t like what he was saying. But Hailey couldn’t hear what that was, because he was speaking quietly. No yelling. No screaming. No slamming doors, no running, no hiding. Just a little girl who had absolute faith that her father would never hurt her.

She turned around, leaning against the railing and looking back into the house. She took a moment to draw in a slow breath and hold it, one, two, three times. Jay must have sensed the change in her, because he was watching her out of the corner of his eye from the grill, even though he was pretending to be focused on the chicken.

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah,” Hailey exhaled. She put her hand out to rest it on his. “Yeah, all good. I’m going to go help Kim finish up inside.”

“You were right,” Hailey said on their way home that night.

“I know.”

“I didn’t say what about.”

“Doesn’t matter. I just like being right… About what?” he conceded when she didn’t elaborate.

“Tonight wasn’t so bad.”

“It wasn’t,” Jay agreed. “I actually thought it was pretty nice. I know you were worried about it being too much, seeing the two of them at the same time, but I don’t know. Seems like they kind of mellow each other out. Damn well should, after they’ve been dancing around each other all these years.”

“Hey! You know he and I were together for one of those years, right?” she asked.

“And we all know you two were just hooking up to pass the time because both of you were totally hung up on other people.”

She scoffed at that, reaching across the console to poke him in the side. “You’re lucky I waited around for you, Halstead. It could be me raising a kid in that house with Adam.”

“I am,” Jay said, taking his eyes off the road to look at her, “I am lucky.”

They fell into a silence then, and Hailey was happy to let it ride out until they reached home. But there was another train of thought inside of her that she wanted to unleash.

“He’s a good dad. Adam,” she added the last part, although she was sure she didn’t need to. “I didn’t even realize it, but I tensed up when the girls started fighting. I knew he probably wouldn’t yell, and even if he did, it’s not like he would be yelling at me. But my body… my body still reacted like I was the little kid that was about to get in trouble. But Makayla was fine. Well, I mean she was mad, clearly. But she wasn’t scared. And it made me jealous of her. How pathetic is that? That I’m jealous of a nine-year-old with a traumatic past.”

“It’s not pathetic at all, Hailey. I mean the traumatic past part, yeah. But Makayla doesn’t have a monopoly on trauma. And it’s perfectly valid for you to acknowledge the things that younger you deserved.” He took a moment to scratch his chin, but he then rested his hand gently on her clenched fist instead of returning it to the steering wheel. “I hate that you had to experience that. I wish that I could take that all away from you. Go back in time and give nine-year-old Hailey a big hug and some hot chocolate and tell her that she was safe and loved and important and strong.”

“But you can’t,” she huffed in frustration. “That’s not how it works. Because I… I used to think that enough good could counteract the bad. Cancel it out. But that’s just not true.”

“Maybe not,” Jay conceded, “but does that mean that we shouldn’t even try? Because I think it’s important to remind yourself that the things you were taught to believe about yourself as a kid aren’t necessarily true.”

Hailey didn’t like the way this conversation was going. She probably shouldn’t have even brought it up tonight, because she definitely didn’t have the bandwidth to go down the rabbit hole that Jay had opened up. But he didn’t push her to continue, and for that she was grateful. It made it much easier for her to climb into bed with him an hour later with no weight of expectation - or disappointment - hanging over her.

But that didn’t mean that her body was ready to relax, so while she tried to fall asleep, she busied her restless fingers in a way she hadn’t in countless nights: by mindlessly running them over all the scars on her husband's body. She started at the one right where his neck met his collarbone, the one he got from having part of his thyroid removed during his early days on the force that hardly anyone else knew the origin of. But he was a little ticklish there, so her fingers wandered down his torso, touching on the one she could feel but not see on his flank from being stitched up after a superficial knife wound. The man was a roadmap of old injuries, and she made the entire rounds before finally landing on her favorite.

Was it weird, having a favorite scar on someone else’s body?

But it was no secret that she did, and she could tell by Jay’s satisfied hum when she found it that he also drew some measure of solace whenever she would carefully reacquaint herself with his most recent gunshot wound. It was little more than a discolored splotch, now, like a crater on the moon that was her husband, but every time Hailey made contact with that new skin, she was flooded with memories that should have terrified her. And they did, especially when viewed without the clarifying lens of context. But it was impossible for Hailey to think of that awful experience without recalling the emotions it ignited within her. She loved Jay. As more than a friend. Definitely more than a colleague. And what an amazing relief it had been when she was finally brave enough to tell him that he was more than just her partner, that he felt the exact same way.

Would they ever have gotten here, without the bullet that pierced his freckled shoulder to cause this beautiful irregularity? Had their relationship always been destined to come out of tragedy?

The upside of this little setup was that it was essentially impossible to access Jay this way, her arm reaching over him to get to his left shoulder, without it becoming a genuine cuddle. And while she had allowed him to embrace her in this way since his return, this was the first time she was acting as the initiator, albeit with a bit of an ulterior motive.

Jay didn’t seem to mind, and he turned slightly on his side to face her, as well. Even in the dark, she was aware of his free hand coming up to rest on her cheek. The scratchy edges of his yarn bracelet surprised her, and she could feel it was still damp from the quick shower he had taken before bed.

“What even is this thing, Jay? It’s all wet; it’ll get mildewy and gross before long.”

He didn’t respond, and for a moment she wondered if he had actually fallen asleep. But the muscles in his arm were still perfectly taut, so she poked him, right in the middle of his scar, to urge him to answer.

“I know,” he relented, “I’ll throw it away. It’s the string from my sweatshirt.”

“Your sweatshirt?”

“Yeah. The one I brought you. Before. I figured they wouldn’t let you have anything with a drawstring, so I just took it out. And then, I don’t know. I kind of liked keeping it with me. It made me feel close to you, somehow.” He withdrew his hand and settled again on his back, both arms up over his head. “It sounds pretty dumb, now that I’m saying it out loud.”

And Hailey knew this was the part where she was supposed to reassure him that it wasn’t dumb at all. Because it wasn’t, and she was a little surprised at both his thoughtfulness of the gesture and his insistence at keeping the cord wrapped around his wrist. But the idea of vocalizing any of that to him right now seemed way too risky, and she wasn’t about to initiate yet another emotional conversation when her mind had already started to unwind.

But she didn’t want his action, or the vulnerability he showed in sharing it with her, to go unacknowledged. So instead of relying on words that may fail her, Hailey sat up and leaned toward him. She reached for his left elbow, gently pulling his arm down to his side so she had easy access to his shoulder once more. But instead of running her fingers over and over it as she had been, she leaned down and planted a kiss on the scar.

Then she returned to her side of the bed without another word, facing away from him just for good measure. She felt his fingers slide through the strands of her hair a few times before he shifted, too, obviously ready to call it a night. And though no more spoken declarations passed between them before they each made their way towards sleep, Hailey knew that they had just said a lot. Because words were cheap. Her connection with Jay had always felt deeper than language. Their bond allowed them to communicate in more profound ways. She savored that reminder as her mind turned all the way off and she drifted into slumber. 

Chapter Text

“So what are you and Kev going to do?” Jay asked Hailey the next morning as they sat on the sofa with their coffee. “I mean, you and Torres are pretty well matched, but I think Kevin could absolutely decimate you without much effort.”

After a successful run at Kim and Adam’s, Hailey had decided to go ahead and reach out to Kevin over the weekend. She had been telling herself that he would be one of the least stressful encounters with her coworkers, but now that he was the only one left, she wasn’t so sure. She supposed it had something to do with her actions on her last day of work.

“No, we’re not going to fight,” she assured him. “Although you act like I don’t ever come across people bigger than me at work. I guess he likes to go and watch Jordan play basketball at the community center on Saturdays, and then he can sneak in a workout at the gym after. It wasn’t my first choice, just the easiest way to meet up with him. Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“I mean, I would,” Jay replied, “but this guy offered to meet me about his truck this morning. Said he was getting lots of interest, so I want to at least take a look. That’s okay, right? You don’t need me there with Kevin?”

“No, I guess not,” she answered. “He said he could pick me up. And a good deal on a car is more important.”

“Hailey…” Jay leaned back into the couch cushion, running a hand down his face.

“No, Jay, I meant that. I’m not being passive aggressive. You need reliable transportation, especially if I’m cleared to drive soon.” She wrung her hands in her lap, spinning her wedding ring around a few times as she looked out the window.

He noticed. “So what’s bugging you, Hails?”

She looked back at her husband. “It’s just… it’s just Kevin, right? I shouldn’t be this worked up about it. The thing is… I was partnered with him on the day, well… on the last day that I worked. And I did something really stupid. And dangerous. And one or both of us could have gotten hurt. But he was able to keep a lid on the situation so it worked out okay. But he was mad at me, Jay. He should’ve been mad at me. But now, I don’t know. I don’t want him to be mad, but I also don’t want him to pretend like it didn’t happen. Or didn’t matter. So I just don’t really know how this is going to go. I don’t know how to prepare for it.”

Jay thought for a moment before he responded. “What did you do, exactly?”

She sighed in irritation and rubbed at a spot throbbing above her right eye. “I fell behind on a foot chase, and when I caught up with them in an old laundromat, I just tackled the guy.”

“And?”

“… I didn’t clear the scene first. He was armed, but Kev had him. Backup was on the way. And there were civilians. Kids.” She scratched more vigorously at her forehead. “The gun went off, it might have been accidental. But he could have shot Kevin. He could have shot the civilians. Kevin could have shot me. It could have gone wrong twenty different ways.”

“Hailey, stop. Stop,” he insisted when the first request was ignored. “You’re going to break the skin.” His tone was much softer when he added, “You don’t even realize when you’re doing that, do you?” He leaned over to inspect her now-reddened brow, lightly squeezing her fingers as he did.

“Uh, no. Sometimes I don’t.” And there it was, the familiar shame covering her like a shield again. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Hailey. I didn’t mean for that to come out as a criticism.” He linked their fingers together and used the bond to tug her a little closer to him. “It’s just… It’s a problem, you know? You can’t keep doing that every time you feel anxious. Have the counselors said anything about that? Any ways to combat it?”

She didn’t want to, but she leaned her head onto his shoulder anyway. The comfort was too enticing. “Nope. Just keep taking the meds. And at some point, hopefully I won’t feel so anxious all the time.”

He planted a kiss in her hair, which was nice, but it reminded Hailey that they still hadn’t kissed properly yet. All of their affection had been of the supportive, consoling variety. She hated how much of that she needed. How much their relationship dynamic had changed.

“And they said that can take up to four weeks, right?” he verified. “You’re right on track, Hailey. Just give it a little more time.”

How long had she been telling herself that very piece of advice?

“Jay?”

“Yes?”

“How come everyone… How come you are so sure that I’m going to get over this, whatever it is?”

She felt him shift next to her as he fished for his answer. He started trailing his fingers lightly up and down her arm as he said, “Because we know you. Because you’re doing what you’re supposed to, you’re getting the help you need, and you’re making progress. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see it, but you are.”

She contemplated his reasoning before she continued. “But… don’t you think that’s true for a lot of people at first? But that ward was full of people who had been there before. You heard Steven yesterday… What if this is a lifelong struggle for me?”

“Well, Hailey, I gotta tell you… I think it already is a lifelong struggle for you. You’ve been dealing with stuff that you never should have been exposed to since you were just a little kid. I just think now, you’re acknowledging it. Addressing it. Figuring out how to deal with it. And you’ve made it this far; it’s easy for me to trust that you’ll be able to keep on going now that you’re not dealing with it on your own.”

It sounded so simple, when he put it like that. And sitting here, so close to him that she could feel his heartbeat, it was easy to believe that she wasn’t alone. She wondered how long it would be until that illusion was shattered once more.

“There she is!” Kevin called as she climbed into the front seat of his car. “Haven’t seen you in a minute, Upton. You good?”

He gave her a pointed look, but he quickly diverted his eyes back to his side mirror again, all ready to pull back out into traffic before she answered.

“I’m good, Kev.” Was ‘good’ different from ‘okay?’ “Sorry I’ve been kind of AWOL lately.”

“Yeah, well, you know,” he shrugged, but as more of an answer than a question, “we figured you had a lot going on. But I was about to be jealous of Burgess and Ruze if you were up to hanging out with their sorry asses but not mine. It is good to see you, though. Jay didn’t want to come?”

Hailey heard the purr of the engine as it shifted gears, and she was instantly transported back to that drug deal. To that laundromat on South Ashland. To a headspace she’d much rather forget.

“Hailey?”

“No, sorry… what?”

Kevin looked at her then, so she did her best to school her expression into something neutral. 

“I asked about Jay.”

“Oh, yeah. No, he’s been trying to find a new truck on Craigslist or something, I think. He’s meeting up with a seller today.”

There was no other way to describe what followed than by calling it an awkward silence. She would have been fine stewing in the quiet, except for that she knew that wasn’t the Atwater way. He was the king of friendly small talk and witty banter, and she had beaten that out of him in the first five minutes.

The reason for his change of demeanor became apparent when he said, “Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware he was a touchy subject for you. Should’ve known better. I won’t bring him up again.”

“No, Kevin, it’s not that at all.” She sighed, searching for the best words to redirect their outing into something less terrible. But it was all weird. She decided, perhaps against her better judgment, to just go with the truth. “Jay and I are… we’re fine… that’s not why I froze up just now. It was your car.”

“My car?” He took his eyes off the road for a quick second to give her a look of confusion.

“The engine, it has a pretty distinct sound. And when I heard it, it reminded me of the last time I rode with you. And I… Well, I don’t really like thinking about that day, so it caught me off guard. But I’m okay now.”

“I see,” Kevin said, in a way that sounded like maybe he didn’t see at all. A few more moments passed, and she was about ready to just call it and ask him to take her back home when he asked, “Do you want to talk about it? That day?”

“God, no,” Hailey practically shouted, and her emphatic response pulled a laugh from him. And at hearing his good-hearted chuckle, she was able to see a little bit of humor in it and laugh at herself. “Sorry, that was a little strong. But I guess you caught my drift.”

“Yes, Upton, I am picking up what you’re throwing down.”

The mood in the car was notably lighter after that. They spent the rest of the ride catching up with the milder aspects of each other’s lives. But when they arrived at the gym, Hailey stopped him before he got out of the car.

“Listen, Kev,” she began, looking down at her shoes. Why was eye contact so hard right now? “In hindsight, it’s easy to see I wasn’t at my best that day. I probably should’ve been nowhere near the field. And I just want to apologize to you-”

“There’s no need for that, Hailey.”

“But there is,” she argued, looking him in the eye now. “There is. I know I got lucky that that didn’t end up much worse. But I don’t know how much of it was luck and how much was you looking out for me. And I… I want you to know that I’m aware of that. I haven’t forgotten. So thank you.”

Another easygoing shrug was his reply. “That’s what friends are for.”

Sitting in a stale gymnasium watching a bunch of men she didn’t know throw a ball around was not high up on Hailey’s list of enjoyable activities, but of course doing so with Kevin made it exponentially more fun. She wasn’t a huge basketball fan, so he had to explain some of the finer points of the game to her, but it was worth it, if for no other reason than listening to the way he trash talked his brother. She had always admired Kevin for the way he stepped up to raise his siblings, and hearing him pick on Jordan while his face was beaming with pride, betraying his true feelings, was quite an experience.

So it was a bit of a bummer when Kevin’s phone rang halfway through the third quarter, the caller ID displaying ‘Sgt. Voight.’ Hailey knew there would only be one reason for him to be contacting Kevin on a Saturday afternoon, and it meant their outing was about to be cut short. Kevin’s brief responses to their CO confirmed what she already knew, and before she knew it he was gathering his stuff to head out.

“I’m so sorry, Hailey. Never wanted to deprive you of the opportunity to watch the beautiful game, but we’ve got to cut out.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to apologize, Kev, I know what it’s like. Remember? I haven’t been out that long.” 

“I suppose you do,” he agreed as they made their way down the bleachers and out of the gym.  “Still a shame to cut such a nice piece of afternoon short. Let me swing you home before I head down to Calumet Heights.”

She felt a twinge of regret, and a little guilt, with the realization that she couldn’t go with him.

“Calumet Heights?” she said. “That’s way out of the way. I can just call an Uber. There’s no need for you to be late to a scene because of me.”

“It’s no trouble, Hailey. What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t make sure you get home safe?”

“The kind that has a crime to solve and a ticking clock.”

He paused to consider her words, but it didn’t take a trained detective to understand his hesitation. 

“I’ll be fine, Kevin. Look around,” she gestured around her at the bustling community center. “People everywhere. I’m perfectly capable of waiting for a car for ten minutes on my own. Really. And the last thing I want is to get you in hot water at work, again. Don’t overcomplicate it.”

She could see him about to give in, but then he gave voice to the one factor still concerning him. “Will Jay be okay with this?”

That question irked her more than it probably should have. “Who cares what Jay thinks? It’s not like he’s enforcing all these rules on me. We’ve been taking certain precautions, but I’m the one calling the shots. I am doing what my doctor recommends because I understand why it’s important, but I am telling you now that I'm fine to get myself home.”

“Copy you,” Kevin muttered under his breath, a bit startled by her change of tone. “I didn’t mean to imply… it’s just…”

“I know,” she piped in to put him out of his misery. “It’s weird, and no one knows how to act around me. But I’m not under 24-hour surveillance. It’ll be fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.” Hailey pulled out her phone and opened the app as they spoke. “Now, go catch a criminal. I’ll let you know when I get home.”

“Hey,” Jay greeted her, “you’re back early. No combat training?”

“I already told you no combat training,” she said, plopping down beside him on the sofa and grabbing one of the throw pillows. “We didn’t even make it to work out, though. They caught a case, so he had to go.”

Jay looked up from the computer on his lap. “Caught a… How did you get home?” He turned his head toward their front door as if the answer to his question were displayed on it.

“I took an Uber. It was out of his way to get to the scene.”

“An Uber? Hailey,” he asked, closing the computer and setting it on the coffee table, “Why didn’t you call me? You know you’re not supposed to be alone right now.”

“And I wasn’t alone, Jay. I was in an Uber.” She wasn’t trying to hide the annoyance in her voice. “Most of them have drivers. Mine was named Malik. I gave him five stars. And besides, I thought you would be tied up getting acquainted with your new truck. It sounded so important to you this morning.”

“Don’t do that, Hailey.”

“Do what?” she challenged.

“Don’t turn this into something it isn’t,” he said. “It wasn’t six hours ago that we were sitting in these very same spots and you told me you understood, that you were okay going alone. Don’t act like I abandoned you to go car shopping.”

“Because you would never do something like that.” She tossed the throw pillow she was holding aside and walked towards the bedroom.

“Hailey, wait.” 

She should have known he wasn’t going to let that slide. 

“Why?”

He didn’t answer right away, and her curiosity got the better of her. She turned around, arms crossed, to see what was keeping him from going on when he clearly had so much more to say. He at least had the good grace to look ashamed, but Hailey could tell that the pain in his eyes went deeper than the insult she had thrown at him just now.

“I think we should talk about this.” His voice was tense, too. Reserved. Strangled.

“Talk about what? Why it’s perfectly acceptable for you to run off to Bolivia for months at a time but I can’t take a fifteen-minute car ride without your approval? Because to be honest, Jay, I have no interest in what you have to say about that.”

“Well, maybe I want to hear what you have to say.”

“No, Jay,” she scoffed, “you don’t.”

“Try me,” The edge in his voice matched hers now. He rose from the couch, so their stances were even, too. “I know you’re pissed. You’re not trying to hide it, and there’s been a lot left unsaid ever since I came back. So let it out, Hailey. Scream at me. Tell me how much I hurt you. Because we’re never going to move forward if you can’t even do that.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head and turning her back on him to retreat once more, “you don’t get to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Be the bigger person!” she exclaimed, turning to face him again, arms gesticulating about freely now. “You don’t even see how much of a hypocrite you are, coming back to Chicago the minute I start to fall apart just so you can put the pieces back together again. You’re just as broken as I am! Maybe even more, because you just hide everything behind your damn hero complex so that you never have to look too closely at yourself.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“What do you think it means, Jay? Don’t be dense. You think what I did was a cry for help? Leaving the country on a whim without talking to anyone about it? That was a cry for help. And you didn’t even give me the chance to try to help you through it. So I'm not going to let you sit there and judge me when I’m exercising that same right.”

Something about her words got through to him; he started to pace, hands on his hips.

“It’s not the same thing,” he finally uttered.

“No? Let’s see,” she said, ticking each item off on her fingers, “Impulsive decision making. High-risk behavior. Social isolation. And you know what, Jay?” She knew this next part was going to hurt him, but she continued on in spite of that (or maybe because of it). “I had a plan, when I called you that night, but I gave you one last chance to prove me wrong. I wanted you to pick up. I don’t know what would have happened if you had. But when you didn’t… that was my answer. So you’re right about one thing. Because when I was at the end of my rope, my instinct was to reach out to you, even when I was pretty sure you wouldn’t reach back. But when you were at the end of your rope, your instinct was to run away. So, no, I guess it’s not exactly the same.” 

Against her fervent hopes and sheer willpower, tears had gathered in the corner of her eyes and Hailey felt herself starting to crumble. She rounded the couch and dropped gracelessly into the corner, leaning her head in her hands.

Jay, wisely, had no answer for the words he had just witnessed. But it wasn’t long before she felt the sofa cushion dip beside her, and she was aware of his own posture mimicking her own, just inches away but miles apart.

“I want to trust you, Jay,” she murmured, voice thick with tears. “I do. Because I love you so much, and you are my best friend. But what I’m dealing with right now… I’m worried about depending on you too much, because that’s what happened before. And then when you left…”

“Hailey, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry about that, okay? I’m not going to leave you again.”

She groaned in frustration and leaped from her position on the couch. “You don’t have to, Jay, you already did!” And for someone with a documented dislike of raised voices, Hailey had to admit she was getting pretty close to shouting. “You can make me all the promises in the world, but you have to understand why that rings a little hollow to me right now. Because I can’t make the same mistake again. And when I met you… you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and you made me believe that I was worth something. That I was worth being loved. The real kind, not the kind that comes with conditions and costs. But then you left, and it broke me, Jay. I tried to be strong, at first, because that’s what I thought you needed. But I don’t think I was shy about the fact that I missed you. That I wanted you home. But none of that mattered to you until I put a damn gun to my head. And now you’re here and you’re doing and saying all the right things, but I can’t trust any of it. And I’m scared, Jay. Because I’m so much better when you’re here. But… You can’t be the thing that fixes me. I can’t get better for you. I have to do it for me.”

Jay had stood at some point in her diatribe, but he was careful to maintain distance as she got everything out. And now that she paused for a moment to catch her breath, she took him in: his open stance, the shock in his face, the unshed tears in his eyes. His voice was heavy with them when he finally responded. 

“I’m sorry, Hailey. I know that’s not nearly enough, but it’s all I have right now. I know I screwed up, and I have a lot to atone for. And if you think that you can ever forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn it. But if you can’t,” he looked down for a moment as the words caught in his throat, “if me being here is a hindrance - if it’s hurting you, Hails - if you want me to go, then I’ll go.”

With his pained admission, a few tears started to pool at the corners of his eyes, but he made no move to wipe them away. Instead, he focused all his energy on her, boring his gaze into her for the tiniest hint at what she might be thinking. But the intensity of his stare and the weight of his offer were hot on her face, so she had to direct her own eyes downward. She was unsurprised to discover that she was wringing her hands, but what really caught her attention was the blackness of her wedding band, stark in contrast against her pale skin. She examined it for a good while before she garnered the courage to look back up into her husband’s expectant face.

“That’s not what I want.” She could see him visibly deflate in relief as a tear finally fell in a tiny rivulet down his cheek. “And more importantly, I don’t think that’s what I need. I want you here with me. I need my husband. I need my best friend. I need you to understand that you can’t fix me. But what I really need is for you to be okay with me not being okay. Because I’m not. And I’m not sure I ever will be, Jay. Because I’m starting to learn just how much all of the stuff from my past has followed me around. And, I’m working on it, but there’s a lot to work through. It may be a while before I am anywhere close to ‘okay.’ So, if you’re happy with that - spending the rest of your life with a work in progress - then maybe we can give this another try.”

He managed a watery smile through his tears and a little sniffle. But then he nodded earnestly when he realized his answer may not have been clear. “Of course I’m happy with that, Hailey. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Where you go, I go.”

Hailey wasn’t sure if that was his intention, but the simple phrase immediately brought her a fresh round of tears at all it symbolized in their relationship. Those words were evidence of a complicated past as well as a promise for a renewed future. And something about hearing them from Jay’s lips broke her, snapped her out of her defensive rage so that she was suddenly overcome by the surrounding details that she had been blocking out in her fury: the significance of what he had just promised, the fear still coursing in her veins, the heartbroken look on his face. And all of that was cloaked by an immense sense of relief, a weight lifted from between her shoulder blades that had been so normalized to her that she only became aware of it in its absence.

The culmination of such strong emotions had her gasping for air, and the only sensible solution was to walk the two steps to her husband and circle her arms around him, holding on like her life depended on it. Hailey laid her head on his chest, right above his heart so that she could hear its pounding, a welcome reminder that they were alive. This was real. She was embracing her husband, unreservedly and unabashedly, and he was doing the same. Arms around her shoulders, a soothing hand through her hair, even as it dampened from the mixture of both their tears. And she could just make out his voice over her own sobs, a coarse whisper consoling her with various declarations of his devotion to her: “I’m so sorry, Hailey. I love you. We’re going to figure this out, together.”

And this time, it was a little bit easier to believe him. So she gave in, relinquishing what little control she had remaining to the tears that seemed to have her by the throat, and let her husband hold her. Hailey wasn’t sure how long she was going to have to ride this wave of anguish, but she was confident that, at least for now, she wasn’t going to be facing it alone. He would still be with her when she made it to the other side. And that made all the difference.

Chapter Text

Well, that might have been the worst thing he ever experienced.

And considering the extensive list of disasters that Jay Halstead had survived, that was really saying something.

Because of all the horrible things he had witnessed in the past - the wartime atrocities, medical emergencies, gang violence, the general sense of human depravity - watching his wife unravel as she recounted the ways in which he hurt her was the only one that was 100% unequivocally and irrevocably his fault. He could offer no explanation, no suitable defense for his actions, so he had had no choice but to take it all in as Hailey painted him a very clear picture of how he had betrayed her.

So yes, it had been terrible. But now, in the aftermath, as he lay on the sofa with his spent wife resting in his arms, he couldn’t help but acknowledge that it had served some good, too, in a way. It hadn’t been pleasant, but it was necessary. He needed no further evidence of that than the fact that, once they had moved their embrace from a vertical one to a horizontal one, it wasn’t long at all that Hailey exhausted her tears and fell into a fitful sleep. This had been weighing on her. And bearing witness as she transferred the bulk of that burden onto him was a small price to pay, considering that he had been the one to place it on her to begin with. But damn, was it hard to hear.

It was more than enough to convince him to do better. Jay had already promised that to himself, and to her, many times in the past year. But listening to the specific ways his actions had caused Hailey pain was a harsh reminder of how close he had come to losing her, in more ways than one. He had a great deal of penance to pay, and the fact that she was even allowing him to comfort her now was one for which he was grateful. She was already giving him more grace than he deserved. He wanted so badly to be a man worthy of her, but that felt intimidating when he struggled to identify how to make up for such a grievous misstep.

Jay had no choice but to follow her lead. And if that meant giving her space, he would happily have given her some distance while she came down from the outrage that had spurred her to finally open up to him. He didn’t want that; he hated seeing her in such a state, and it was practically a reflex to put his arms around her and whisper reassurances in her ear. So it had been a massive relief when, once her dam finally broke, she turned to him first, allowing him to embrace her in a way that they both desperately craved in that moment.

Jay had been happy to stand there, drawing strength and conviction with every passing second Hailey allowed him to hold her. But when she showed no signs of letting go, he had moved them to the couch. It had taken them a moment to get situated, but neither of them was content to release the other. And it wasn’t long at all before her eyes and limbs became heavy, and she succumbed to a sleep that was far too easy to be the same one she had been chasing for months.

So he hadn’t dared to move, now that she seemed so relaxed and unburdened for the first time in who knows how long. But as her nap dragged on, he wondered if she was sleeping too long, if it would interfere with her getting the rest she needed tonight. He was going through the pros and cons of waking her when she relieved him of having to decide by shuddering sharply in her sleep, waking up and stiffening immediately.

“You’re okay!” he was quick to reassure her as she scrambled to take in her surroundings. “It’s okay, you just fell asleep on the couch.”

Jay didn’t think it was a nightmare; Hailey didn’t have those (that was his weird quirk in their marriage). You had to sleep to have nightmares, and that didn’t happen when she was bothered enough by something for it to leak into her subconscious. But with the outpouring of emotions she had just experienced, he couldn’t be too sure at all how her body would respond. But she seemed okay, not at all like how he looked or felt after an episode, needing time and space to reacclimate to reality before his heart rate returned to normal. Instead, at his words, her body relaxed again just as quickly, and she nodded, repositioning and settling back into him, front-to-back now. 

“Just woke up too fast,” she agreed. “Felt like I was falling.”

He wished he could see her face, take in her expression to ascertain where her head was after, well… everything. But her breathing was still slow and even, her body pliant against his instead of rigid with anxiety and resistance. He supposed she might be going right back to sleep, which didn’t solve his initial quandary at all. The light coming in from their windows told him it was mid-afternoon, and they would probably both regret it if she slept much longer.

“How long has it been since you’ve fallen asleep without even trying?” he asked, hoping to wake her up gently with simple conversation. 

“Mmm… way too long, probably. I hate how easy it can be when you don’t want it to be,” she answered. Then she mumbled, “Did you like the truck?” and it made him smile in spite of himself. Way to execute a flawless topic change.

“It was all right, but I don’t think it’s the right one for me.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it was a pretty basic model, and… well, it didn’t have seat warmers,” he finally admitted. “I think the Ram really spoiled me. I might have to go to an actual dealership to find one that I like enough to buy.”

And he half expected her to make a comment about not needing all the bells and whistles. Seat warmers weren’t exactly a necessity, even in Chicago. But she didn’t say anything, and he wasn’t sure how to take that. He let it go, giving her a few more minutes of quiet, running his fingers up and down her arm, to see if she had anything else to add. But when it became clear that wasn’t going to happen, Jay decided to push her just a little more.

“Thank you, for talking to me about all of this. I know it wasn’t easy for you, Hails, and it means a lot. Is there anything else on your mind? Anything else we need to talk about while we’re clearing the air?”

“Uh-uh,” she muttered, her voice still laced with sleepiness. “I feel kind of empty. Not in a bad way. Just… empty.”

“Okay,” he said, weighing his words. “Are you okay if I say a few things?”

She nodded, and he hated the way he could feel her muscles tightening at his question.

“Can you turn over so that I can see your face while I say them?”

She did as he asked, but he took a minute to analyze her features before he continued. The baby hairs that sometimes stuck out around her temples. The cheeks that would reward him with a dimple if he managed to make her smile. The prettiest blue eyes, hiding now behind swollen and reddened eyelids. His wife. Every inch of her was beautiful, and Jay didn’t think he would ever get tired of taking her in.

“So,” he started, “I just want to be super, crystal clear about something, Hailey Anne. You are worth being loved. The right way.” She blushed and averted her eyes. “Always have been. And the fact that I’ve been acting in a way that makes you doubt that… I don’t want to be that guy, Hailey. Never again. So I promise you that I’m going to do my best to make sure you feel that love, every day for the rest of my life. But I’m going to ask you to promise me something, too, if that’s okay.”

She looked back into his eyes then, but gave no other response. He took that as his cue to continue. “I think we can both agree that I’ve done a pretty sorry job of picking up signals as of late. So, I just want you to talk to me, Hails. If I’m missing the mark, or there’s a way that I can show up for you that I’m not, please just tell me. That’s what your therapist said we’re supposed to be doing, right? ‘Meaningful communication?’ I have a lot to make up for, and I am so thankful that you’re giving me another chance. I want to do this right. So, please, just… Please keep talking to me.”

Hailey brought her hands up and fiddled with the hem of his shirt sleeve. Did this woman really never stop fidgeting? “That goes both ways?”

Jay nodded, aware of what he was committing to in his agreement. “Yeah. I mean, I definitely have more to prove right now than you do, but… I’ll try. When the timing is right. The fact is, Hailey… There are reasons for why I did what I did - why I left. But none of them justify it. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give you a satisfactory answer to your questions. But yes, at an appropriate time, we can talk more about that. And I will try to be more open with you, too.”

Hailey bit her lip for a second before asking, “Do you think what we did today counts as ‘meaningful communication?’”

And he couldn’t keep himself from laughing at her absurd question. “Uh, yeah, I think so. Steven would be so proud of us.”

“Think we’ll get a good grade in therapy this week?” she teased.

“Oh, totally. ‘Something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,’” he answered.

Saturday rolled into Sunday, and Jay was torn between encouraging Hailey to do something outside of the apartment and just lounging about and doing nothing all day. He knew that both would have their benefits, but the bottom line was that it had been a remarkably busy and tiring week for them both. If ever there was an excuse for a lazy day at home, they had it.

They could return to some sort of routine next week.

So, when he awoke that morning, he separated their overflowing laundry into piles, queued up as many comedies that didn’t look terrible as he could find on Netflix, and started to whip up the French toast recipe that his mom would make on rainy mornings. And then, once Hailey crawled out of bed and made a beeline to grab some bacon from where it was frying in the pan, while they were eating together at the counter, he told her about it. About how his mom had an uncanny sense for when her sons would need a little pick-me-up on dreary days. How some days, even now, were just designated as French-toast days before he opened his eyes in the morning.

It wasn’t a big, capital-d Discussion that would earn them points with a therapist. But he was still opening up, and it still felt significant in its own way. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Hailey ate every bite of her own breakfast, and even took a piece of bacon that he deemed too crispy from his plate.

And as the day wore on, Jay became increasingly convinced that he had made the right call. It was so refreshing to just spend time with his wife. This is what they had been missing, in the early days of their marriage, the busyness of their life always pulling them in ten different directions. And in the past two weeks, every moment spent with Hailey had been strenuous in one way or another, fraught with either worry or guilt or fear or some formidable combination of the three. He had almost forgotten how lovely it was just to exist alongside his wife; how wonderful the activity of folding laundry could be when he did it next to her.

It kind of blew his mind that there were couples who did stuff like this every weekend. If he and Hailey were fortunate enough to spend every Sunday for the rest of their lives this way, he would consider himself a lucky man.

So late afternoon, when Hailey mentioned a craving for Greek food, Jay was more than happy to oblige. He was surprised, though, when she suggested the name of her parents’ restaurant instead of one of the options they frequented more often. But, as he was driving to pick it up (eating from there was one thing, giving her address to the establishment for delivery still made Hailey a little uncomfortable), Jay recognized the deeper meaning behind her choice. He had shared one of his childhood comfort foods with her, and now she was returning the favor. Opening up about old wounds never felt easy, but sharing food with one another was a custom as old as time itself. And Jay suspected it was more than just the Mediterranean flavors that Hailey had been coveting. 

“So, how’s everything been going?”

Could Dr. Broder have asked her a more open-ended question?

“I don’t really know how to answer that,” Hailey replied honestly.

Monday morning came around far too quickly, and she was once again meeting with her doctor in his cramped office. It had been less than two weeks since she sat in here the last time, Jay by her side, but it seemed like so long ago.

“How are you doing with the medication? Any side effects or problems?”

Hailey shook her head. “My appetite is still spotty, but not any worse than before I started taking them.”

“No headaches or trouble sleeping?”

“Yes, to both. But again, I don’t think it’s from the meds.”

“Okay,” the doctor made a note on his pad. “What about suicidal thoughts?”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “I thought the pills were supposed to prevent those?”

“They are,” the doctor conceded. “But occasionally we see the opposite effect during the first few weeks. Which is one of the reasons that we are still closely monitoring you. So…?”

“No,” she responded, “I’ve been pretty consistent on that front. But don’t you think someone should look into the fact that the drugs you’re giving to prevent suicide are actually increasing that risk? Seems a little counterproductive, if you ask me.”

The man had the audacity to chuckle at her as he answered. “No, not really, because we mostly understand why it happens and are able to respond accordingly. For people with major depression, when the medication starts to take effect, it can give them more energy and motivation. So, if you have a person whose mind is dwelling on those thoughts, a sudden burst of energy and determination can lead them to make that impulsive decision if other aspects of their care are lacking. But,” he admitted, “I don’t think you’re at too great a risk for that kind of behavior. It’s still important to ask.”

“So you don’t think I have major depression?”

“No, I don’t.”

That piqued her curiosity. “Then, do you have another theory about what’s wrong with me? Because it certainly wasn’t an abundance of happy thoughts that wound me up here.”

“Do you remember what we talked about last time, Hailey?”

He had said a lot of things. “You told me you thought I had anxiety.”

Dr. Broder nodded. “And I still agree with that assessment. But, having seen you consistently for a few weeks now, and reading the notes from your therapist and other counselors, I feel pretty confident that your symptoms are more consistent with PTSD than generalized anxiety.”

“PTSD?”

“Post-traumatic str-”

“I know what it stands for,” Hailey interrupted. “My husband has it. He’s an army vet.”

“Do you disagree that you could have it, as well?” the doctor asked when she failed to elaborate any further.

“Well, not… I don’t disagree, necessarily, but I’m not sure I agree, either. He has nightmares, flashbacks… hates the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve because of all the fireworks. I don’t experience anything like that.”

“Maybe not. But not everyone has the same triggers. Or the same reactions. And in the line of work you do, I’m sure that you have desensitized yourself to the level of violence that you witness on a regular basis. But that doesn’t mean it’s not affecting you.”

Now it was her turn to laugh. “You think I have PTSD from my job?”

“I’m sure it doesn’t help. But your therapist is under the impression that you witnessed ongoing violence long before you joined the force. And if that’s true - if you’re compounding trauma on trauma on trauma - that’s enough to drive anyone into the sort of spiral you were in.” 

She pondered that for a moment. “So… what does that mean for me? Do I see a different therapist, or change meds, or what?”

“I don’t think any of that is necessary unless you do. I do think you could benefit from trauma-informed therapy or a PTSD support group, but that doesn't mean you have to stop with your current therapist, especially if you already have a good rapport with him. And your meds are actually indicated to treat both anxiety and PTSD. And depression, actually, which is why I thought they would be a good fit for you until we narrowed some of that stuff down.”

“Does that mean I can stop with all the extra precautions? Now that we’re pretty sure we can cross depression off the list?”

“That’s really up to you, Hailey,” the doctor continued. “Your participation in this entire program has been voluntary from the jump. And, don’t get me wrong - PTSD can lead to anxiety and depression, so I’m not eliminating those aspects from your care plan. But the treatment looks different because the root cause is different. That being said, we haven’t forced anything on you. You’re the only one who really knows if those precautions are necessary. If you and your family feel comfortable relaxing them, I have no objections to that.”

“It’s just…” she hesitated as she tried to put her thoughts into words, “I just feel like my husband is worrying about me all the time. Like, he freaked out when I took an Uber home when our friend had something come up. After it had already happened, and I got home perfectly safe. It’s like his brain just can’t rationalize that something is okay if it violates a rule. And, true story, I am just really tired of having other people drive me around.”

“Maybe driving is a good place to start, now that we know you’re tolerating the meds and that’s not contraindicated,” Dr. Broder agreed. “Short stretches, you can touch base with him before and after. But, Hailey, you have to understand that his worry is not going to just go away, even if I give you an official all-clear to resume normal activities. It’s not uncommon for loved ones to overcompensate for their perceived role in your condition by becoming hyper-vigilant. It’s one of their coping strategies, same as the ones you’re developing in therapy. Try to be patient with them.”

“It’s just… the thing is,” Hailey stammered, “I didn’t go through with it. I thought about it. Had a plan, and means, but I didn’t pull the trigger. I wish that counted for something, here. What I didn’t do instead of what I almost did. And I don’t disagree that it warrants some level of concern. I just wish he trusted me more.”

“It’ll come. Gradually. But every day you’re laying a brick, rebuilding that wall of trust. You don’t notice the difference day by day, but in six months, if you look back to where you are now, I believe you’ll see quite an improvement.”

“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” Hailey announced as she piled into the car later that day.

“Okay,” Jay answered, his face full of questions, “bad news first?”

She sighed. “I don’t even really know if it’s bad news. But it’s news. It’s actually kind of funny, in a way.”

“You going to tell me, or do I have to guess?”

“Dr. Broder thinks he’s narrowed down a diagnosis for me. Still want to guess?”

“Not even a little bit.”

She made a face and swatted his shoulder, before returning to her somber tone. “He says I have PTSD.”

“Mm-hmm…”

“‘Mm-hmm?’ What do you mean, ‘Mm-hmm?’ You’re not surprised by this?”

“Nope,” he replied with a little shrug.

A huff escaped her lips, and she collapsed back in her seat. “Really?”

He dropped his teasing demeanor when he heard the upset in her voice. “I mean, it really can’t be that surprising to you, can it? You’re the one who saw it in me and pushed me to do something about it. And the more I learned and read about it… well… let’s just say I’ve seen some signs in you, too.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me that?” she asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

He was quiet for a minute. “Because, it’s not like I had some magical secret that I was keeping from you. I didn’t know anything for sure. Treatment is basically just learning to deal with it. And, unlike me, you were handling it. Until you weren’t, and then… Well, Hailey, I had been away for so long I didn’t feel like I had any right to be deciding anything about you. Especially if you were struggling to figure it out yourself.” He turned from staring out the windshield into the parking lot where they were still sitting to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would be this upsetting to you. I wouldn’t have joked about it. You just… you never really seemed to judge me, or stigmatize me, or anything. I didn’t think it would bother you.”

“I don’t know if the diagnosis itself does. Bother me, I mean. But he said it’s extremely common in children who grew up in violent homes. Like… extremely. So, like… how long have I been suppressing this? Is there even a version of me that exists without it? And how big of a hypocrite am I to call you out on it when I don’t even see it in myself? And what does that say about us? Are we even compatible or were we just attracted to the trauma we recognized inside of each other?”

“Hailey. Hailey, Hailey, Hailey!” Jay caught one of her hands as she gesticulated, cutting her off before she completely catastrophized. He stared at her for a second once she calmed, the wheels in his head turning. “It says that we are two people who love each other very much, and are 100% committed to each other, who have gone through some hell. And that we’re doing the work to deal with our issues because we love each other. Because we want to do better. Be better. Because we both know that we deserve better than to stumble through life, just doing what we can to survive.”

That therapist she made him go to all those years ago must have been damn good if they got him saying things like that.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I do love you, Jay. And I guess I’m doing the work, but I’m still a little iffy on how this is going to play out in the end.”

“I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” His little smirk was starting to make a reappearance. “But I’m going to be here with you, either way. Now. I believe there was also some talk of good news?”

It was her turn to smirk now. “Oh, yeah.” She reached over and snatched the keys from him before he could put them in the ignition. “About that. Dr. Broder says I can drive myself now.”

Jay shook his head in disbelief, but he was smiling. “Well, then. Guess I better get to work finding a car.”

“And then maybe a job,” she suggested, getting out of the SUV and rounding to the driver’s side. 

“One step at a time, Hails.” He planted a small kiss on her forehead before moving out of her way, and it almost felt like before. It almost felt normal. “One step at a time.”

Chapter Text

“So what all did the doctor say?” Jay asked as they sat side by side at the counter eating dinner later that evening. “It sounds like you must have had a lot to talk about, if you got diagnosed and cleared to drive all in one conversation.”

Hailey swallowed the bite she had just taken before answering, “He actually said a lot; probably should have written some of it down. Those were the two biggest points. But he also said they will probably release me from partial hospitalization next week. That I’m to the point now where support groups and more focused therapy might be more helpful than group counseling sessions.”

“Wow, that goes under the good news category, right? That will definitely feel like a step towards normal. I guess that means that they also feel more comfortable about giving you some freedom, not needing to check in on you every day?”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Not so worried about me hurting myself anymore. He said driving myself to and from my sessions was a good place to start getting my independence back.”

“Oh,” Jay gulped, nearly choking on a green bean. “You’re driving yourself?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “I thought that was implied.”

There was a pause in the conversation while Jay took a long swig of his water. He still didn’t say anything after he put his glass down, but just stared off across the room.

“How do you feel about that?” she prompted him.

He sighed and placed his hands on the countertop as if bracing himself. “Well… not great, to be honest. But I… hm… but if your doctor says it’s okay and you feel good about it, then I guess that’s what we’re going to do.”

“I feel great about it,” she confirmed. “You know I’ve been fine, for the most part, with all the precautions they recommended. And I’ve tried to be a good sport about it all. But I can’t help but feel like I’m burdening everyone around me when you’re constantly on high alert.”

Jay turned to her then, an incredulous tilt to his expression. “Okay, but… Hailey, you have to know that my concern doesn’t just go away because the doctor says you’re doing better, right? You can understand that?”

“I do,” she said calmly, “but I also feel like I deserve a little more credit than you’re giving me.”

He got up, rounding to the other side of the counter and dropping his plate in the sink. Then he looked at her again, his eyes intense and focused. “I’m not sure I know what you mean by that, Hailey.”

She hesitated under his glare, and had to look down at her plate when she answered. “It’s just that… you know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

“If I had wanted to hurt myself, I would have found a way to do it by now,” she spit out. “It’s not like I’ve been manipulating everyone into thinking I’m getting better just so I can act on it once people let their guard down. And it feels like a double standard when you keep telling me that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I still have to earn your trust back anyway.”

“Hailey…” Jay emitted a groan as he shifted his weight. “Look, I agree with what you’re saying, and I’m not going to fight you on this. But I do want you to understand why it might still be a little frightening from my viewpoint. It’s not about a lack of trust; it’s just fear. I would worry about you being alone for the first time after any major health event. And none of that changes the fact…” His voice faded, and he just bowed his head and shook it slowly.

“What fact, Jay?”

His eyes were bright with moisture when he looked back up at her. “The fact that it came on so suddenly the first time. I believe you when you say you’re being honest, but from what I can tell, you went from zero to one hundred real quick that day. And I just can’t help but wonder, what if that happens again? If it does, I certainly don’t want you to be alone.”

“I was alone when it hit me last time. Which, full disclosure, was not the first time, but that’s a different story for a different day.” Her voice was level and firm, but she tried to infuse it with at least a bit of sympathy for her husband. None of this would be easy to hear. “And it wasn’t zero to one hundred; I had probably been hovering around eighty or ninety for a week by that point. I hadn’t slept soundly in days, was physically and emotionally exhausted. There was barely anything left of me at that point. But here’s the thing, Jay: even when I was basically untethered from reality, I didn’t go through with it. I hardly knew which way was up, but I still knew who I trusted enough to call. And I didn’t pull the trigger. So, no, I can’t promise you that I’ll never be in that place again; statistically, it’s actually more likely to happen. But I feel confident that I have better tools, better connections, now, than I ever did in the past. So, if it does come, we’ll just deal with it, together. Just like we’re doing now.”

He was quiet for a moment, and for once Hailey was having trouble interpreting the emotions on his face.

“I hate the way you talk about it so casually,” he finally admitted, grabbing a potholder and twisting it in his hands. “And I hate that I didn’t pick up the phone when you needed me to.” With that, he busied himself with cleaning up the kitchen.

Hailey got up and joined him. They fell into a quiet but comfortable rhythm, completing the familiar task until the only thing left was a few pots in the sink. She hopped up onto the counter next to him as he aggressively scrubbed them.

“You know…” she began, “I did need you, that night. But the more I think about it, I think it’s probably good that you didn’t answer.”

That got his attention. “How do you mean?”

She sighed, running her hands up and down her thighs. “Because I think… I think I needed this to happen. Maybe not exactly how it went down, but I needed to hit rock bottom. Because if I didn’t… If you had answered that night, it might have made me feel better temporarily, but it wouldn’t have fixed anything. Not really. We would have just kept going through the motions until one of us broke. This was bound to happen at some point. Because I’ve been repressing the hell out of some trauma, apparently. And I think I was using you - using our relationship - to cover that up. And that wasn’t fair to you at all. So if it was going to come out eventually, I guess I’m happy it happened early in our marriage, so maybe we still have a chance to fix things.”

At some point in her explanation, he had turned from the sink and put all his attention on her. “You really believe that?”

She nodded, reaching a hand up to run her fingers through his hair, an action she rarely did because he hated having it messy. “We were both zombies for so much of our first year of marriage; we needed a wake-up call. I don’t think either of us really cared for the one we got, but… one missed phone call doesn’t seem so bad if that’s what it took to get my husband back. All the way back.”

“But we both know it was a lot more than one…” he hung his head, bashful at the admission.

“Maybe so. But we can’t change the past. And you said it is in the past, right? Just have to let it motivate us to be better in the future. And I think we have a decent shot of that, now that we’re being open with each other. Or at least, trying to be.”

He glanced back up at her now, a small grin peeking out the corner of his lips. He took a step to the side so he was standing in between her knees. “You’re so wise, now that you’re in therapy. And it is, Hailey. It is in the past, and I am going to do better.”

She didn’t really have a response to that. So she gave in to the instincts that were howling within her, and leaned in to kiss him. And much to her pleasure, this was another pattern that they fell easily into, muscle memory still strong after so many months apart. It wasn’t deep, certainly not overly passionate despite the weight it carried. But much like the discussion they had just had, it was a reminder: a soft and steady, gentle but firm, tangible symbol of the many good things their marriage still held for them.

They were sitting on the sofa, enjoying an unexpectedly quiet evening after she had surprised him with the chaste kiss. They had never really done things halfway when it came to showing affection, usually operating under an all-or-nothing mentality. Working together had essentially made that a requirement. Spending all day with each other while maintaining professional boundaries had been torturous in the early days of their relationship; they didn’t really have any choice but to make up for that restraint once they were in the privacy of their home.

But Jay had been especially reserved in that area since his return. It had been a pretty loud signal when her first interaction with him was turning him away from hospital visitation, and physical contact seemed to be a stressor to her that first night they shared a bed. He couldn’t be sure if it was him, or the touch itself, but he had been particularly mindful to follow her lead in anything related to her body and personal space. So it only made sense that she had been the one to initiate their first real kiss in nearly a year; he wasn’t going to take that leap until he knew she was ready. But it had surprised him that she initiated it when she did, in the midst of a pretty difficult conversation.

It had done the trick, though. Broken down the tension that had come over him as he recalled the painful circumstances that led them to where they were. And it was a welcome reminder that their marriage was a two-way street. Sometimes he could just be and let her call the shots. It had been hard to remember that, as of late.

And now they were nestled together, her angled slightly and leaning into his side to accommodate his laptop as he further researched buying a car. Hailey was doing her own investigating, looking up therapists from the list her doctor had given her. Jay was happy for her company, but the harder he tried to focus on his task, the more stressed he became. His dad had guided him through the process the first time he went through it, and he found himself wishing he could bounce his thoughts off of him, now. It was a lot more confusing than he remembered. He clicked instead on another tab he had bookmarked: a site titled “Alternative Careers for Police Officers.”

“So,” he started, “since we’re being so open tonight, and you’re pressuring me to get a job now, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

As Jay had predicted, that comment drew an immediate change in Hailey’s demeanor. She sat straight up and looked at him over the iPad, blue eyes wide and frozen in dread of what he was about to say.

“Don’t freak out, Hails, I haven’t decided anything. I just want to make sure I keep you updated. Let you know what I’m thinking.”

“Okay,” she answered, leaning back into the cushion as she relaxed a little.

“Well, I’ve been looking at what I might be qualified for, and, as you might expect, the options are pretty limited. There’s a lot of private security, or corrections. And I’ve seen a few civilian opportunities, like veterans’ services at one of the universities. But I don’t think my experience much matters there without any degree; I guess I should have taken advantage of the GI Bill when I had the chance.”

“You still could, if you wanted to, right?”

“Yeah,” he assured her, “the benefits don’t expire. And maybe I will, once I have time to give some more thought to what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just… I haven’t really had to think about that since I graduated from the academy. It’s… daunting.”

Hailey turned toward him, curling her legs beneath her. “And you don’t want to even consider rejoining CPD?”

Jay sighed. Wasn’t that the million-dollar question? “I looked into it; you know, the rehire program is in effect right now. But I wouldn’t retain my rank and would have to start over as an officer. And I think I might have burned too many bridges to anticipate promotion back to detective anytime soon. I’m not sure I want to do that.”

“Have you talked to Voight? I’m sure he could pull some strings for you,” she suggested.

“I’m not sure he would, though, and anyway… I don’t think I would want him to. If I do rejoin, I would want it to be all above board. No more gimmicks or loopholes.”

His attention was drawn to his knee, where she was lazily tracing her finger in a curlicue pattern. “So… what do you want, Jay?”

He glanced at her, trying to get a read on how she might react to what he knew he needed to say. “There might be one other option. When I was in El Paso last week, the special agent that was my contact point in Bolivia said he would give me a good recommendation to the Chicago Division office, if I needed one.”

“You want to go back to the DEA?” Damn it. Her tone was completely neutral and gave him no clue as to her opinion on the matter.

“I don’t know. I can’t say for sure, but I guess I’m a little curious about it. I’m interested enough that I want to know more before I totally cross it off my list.”

She said nothing, but nodded solemnly, biting her lip.

“How do you feel about that?”

“About you getting more info before making a decision? Fine. It would be irresponsible not to.”

“But…” he prompted her.

She held his gaze for just a beat before giving in. “But the idea of you going right back to them makes me uncomfortable. You keep saying over and over that you’re not going anywhere; why would you get a job where they can send you halfway across the world whenever they feel like it?”

“I wouldn’t. No, I promise you, Hailey. I’m not going to work any place that requires travel. That’s not why I’m interested. But maybe there’s a local job; there’s an entire Division right here in Chicago, and I have to imagine all the drug activity here keeps them pretty busy. I just want to look into it, just to make sure I don’t have any ‘what ifs’ about what I finally do decide. But only if you’re okay with it.”

“You can look into any job you want to, Jay. Security, retail, garbage collecting. I don’t care. What bothers me is when you accept a job without talking to me about it.”

It sounded so simple and obvious. The fact that she had to spell that out for him was shameful. What the hell had he been thinking last October?

He placed his hand on top of hers, pinning it between his palm and his thigh and stilling it of its mindless motions. “That is a perfectly sensible stance to take. And it won’t happen again. I’m mortified that it happened once, Hailey. You didn’t deserve that.”

“No, I didn’t.” 

She brought her eyes up to meet his, and she was so close that he could see his reflection in her pupils. What did she see when she looked at him? He hoped it was something good. Someone worthy. Her expression didn’t give away much, but it was open, authentic. She wasn’t hiding behind vapid assurances and meaningless phrases. His wife was letting him in, being vulnerable and wholly unapologetic in her agreement with him. And it hurt, to share in her acknowledgement that he had failed in his duties to her. But, at the same time, Jay found enormous hope in her straightforward regard. She wouldn’t bother if she believed it to be a lost cause. If she was scared and timid, she would have disguised it, working to gloss over the pain in her eyes, or maybe avoid looking at him at all. But she hadn’t. She was bold in the way she looked at him, and it thrilled Jay to recognize what that meant: trust. Hailey was taking a risk, however small, giving him a chance to prove himself. To put into action all the words he had been saying.

He hoped like hell he was worth the risk. He took a few more seconds to bask in the light of her gaze, then gave her hand a good squeeze before shifting his focus. “So, how’s your search going? Anyone jump out at you so far?” 

“You sure you don’t want to come? You seemed kind of into it last time.”

Jay laughed. “Yeah, I really enjoyed watching you roll around on a mat with another man. And anyway, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of you going alone?”

She glanced at him as she tied her sneakers. “Is this because I wouldn’t fight you?”

“Uh, no. This is because I don’t want you to feel like I don’t trust you, and also because I am elbows deep in this loan application from the bank. Besides, I can fight with you anytime I want. Only polite to let Torres have a turn.”

Hailey smiled, pulling her hair up into a ponytail as she came and sat beside him. “Almost enough to make you think about coming back to CPD, if you don’t have to worry about buying a car.”

“Almost,” he said, turning towards her and giving her a smile. “You got everything you need?”

“Keys. Wallet. Phone. All good.”

“Okay. And you’ll call if you need me?”

“For sure,” she agreed. “Although I really don’t want to pull you away from your fascinating paperwork.”

“So considerate. But hey, let me ask, do you have plans tomorrow night?”

“No,” she responded, tilting her head in curiosity. “Why?”

He bit his lip, suddenly uncertain what she would think about his proposition. “I want to take you on a date.”

“A date? What’s the occasion?”

Jay shrugged, relieved that she didn’t immediately shut him down. “Just because I love you. And also because we’ve been married for almost two years and we’ve never been on a real date.”

“That’s not true!” she insisted.

“It absolutely is.”

“Jay,” her voice was slow and light, like she was talking to a confused child, “we used to spend so much time with each other, even before we were dating. I literally could not tell you how many times we drank the night away, either at Molly’s or even in our apartments. How many meals we shared. How are you going to tell me we’ve never been on a date?”

“Nope,” he shook his head. “That stuff doesn’t count. Drowning our sorrows after a hard case, or group hangs at a bar, none of that’s a date. I’m talking about you and me, making a specific plan to do something together, without our coworkers, where we dress up, and go out, and experience something with each other.”

Hailey wrinkled her nose. “Have we really never done that? We’ve been to some nice restaurants.”

“Yeah,” he snorted, “with my brother. Or for someone’s birthday.”

“What about overnight stakeouts?”

“Absolutely not. If we were on the clock, it doesn’t count.”

She laughed aloud at that comment. “Yeah, I guess that would be weird. And probably violating a ton of HR regulations. So, what kind of date do you have in mind, Halstead?”

“Well, I was thinking, since it’s a first date and all, of doing something pretty basic. Dinner someplace nice and then maybe a stroll through the aquarium. But I am also open to suggestions. Trying not to be one of those misogynistic boyfriends who makes all the decisions.”

She chuckled at him. “There are a lot of words I would use to describe you, Jay Halstead, but ‘misogynistic’ would never be one of them. But I like food, and I think I like sea creatures - I don’t think I’ve been to the aquarium since junior high - so I believe that will suffice as an adequate first date. What’s the attire?”

“Mmmm,” he pursed his lips in thought, “Semi-casual? Do you even own a dress? Maybe casual would be better.”

“Maybe I spoke too soon about the misogyny. But yes, for your information, I do own a few dresses, but I can absolutely do semi-cas with pants.”

“Okay then,” he grinned, “it’s a date. An early one, though. Aquarium closes at nine.”

“Noted. I’ve got to run, though, Dante will be almost as worried as you if I’m late.” She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before gathering her stuff to leave.

“No way,” Jay called after her as she made her way out the door. “I am not going to let some other man out-worry me. So please don’t forget to text me when you get there.”

She was already gone by the time he finished his plea, but he received a text from her a few moments later that simply said ‘Copy you.’

He replied with a heart emoji. Then he shook his head, let out a long breath, and turned his attention back to the neverending forms awaiting him on his computer.

Chapter Text

“You know, Jay, I have to tell you, that when you said you were taking me somewhere nice for dinner, a car dealership was not what I was picturing.”

Jay cracked a smile as he pulled into the lot. “Better than an overnight stakeout, though, right?”

“Mm, I don’t know,” she admitted. “I kind of miss the action. And I know you do, too.”

“I had enough action in South America to hold me over for a little while. But yeah, maybe sometime soon.” He hopped out and ran around the front of the car, hoping to get to her door before she opened it, but to no avail. “Hey, how am I supposed to be a gentleman if you won’t let me?”

“I guess you’ll have to get creative,” she shrugged. “You’re already on a roll, what with choosing to bring me dahlias as a first-date flower, and now we’re at an automall. I think the car door is the least of your worries.”

“What can I say?” He reached for her hand and led her toward a row of trucks on display. “I’m old-fashioned. And I thought you liked dahlias.”

Hailey shook her head in exasperation, but she added, “I wasn’t complaining,” as they walked hand in hand down the line of trucks until he stopped her in front of one.  

“What do you think?” Jay asked.

“It’s… blue.”

“It is,” he confirmed. “That a problem?”

“No, it’s just so… unexpected. And vibrant.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not a police vehicle, so I don’t have to be inconspicuous anymore. Besides, blue has always been my favorite color.”

“Since when? I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen you in blue that wasn’t dress blues or undercover.”

“You don’t have to wear a color a lot to like it,” he answered nonchalantly. “And I became really fond of blue around the time I met you.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, and he was sure she was going to find a witty retort and accuse him of surely preferring another color. But Hailey remained silent, turning her attention to the truck and walking slowly around it, inspecting it closely. She focused on the outside for only a moment before opening the passenger side door and climbing in. Jay watched as she adjusted the seat, examined the cupholders, fiddled with the knobs on the dash. It wasn’t exactly the same as his old one, but similar enough that Jay hoped they could quickly acclimate to it. He waited for Hailey to give her official opinion, but the only thing she had to say as she exited the vehicle was “And this one has seat warmers?”

“Yeah,” he said with a chuckle, “front and back. It’s pre-owned, but it’s only got about 40,000 miles on it. So the price is decent, and the bank approved my loan, so with the amount I have for a down payment, I think the monthly bill would be manageable for us.”

She nodded, but a smile crept out as she turned to Jay and said, “Okay, let’s go sign some papers.”

“Actually,” he said, causing her to stop in her tracks, “if it’s okay with you, I’ll come in and do that tomorrow. They said they would hold it for me for 24 hours. I just wanted to get your input. Didn’t want to make a big decision without talking to you about it first. And besides, our reservation is in twenty minutes. And I don’t want to drive separately to our first date.”

“So old-fashioned,” she teased.

“Yep,” he agreed. “So old-fashioned that I married a woman without ever having taken her on a proper date. Emily Post would be appalled.”

But when they returned to her SUV, she did allow him to open the door and help her inside.

“I guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time.”  

Hailey was fascinated by the belugas. 

Jay hadn’t seen that one coming.

Her casual response when he had mentioned the aquarium to her led him to think that this was an activity that she would tolerate more than actually enjoy. But when they arrived at the aquarium, she pored intently over the guidemap to plan their visit, wanting to make sure they got the most bang for their buck (never mind that Illinois residents got in free tonight). She took the task seriously, as much as any recon mission he had ever worked with her, and Jay found himself shaking his head in a combination of awe and exasperation.

You can take the girl out of the police station, but you can’t take the police out of the girl.

So they meandered through, seeing the sea turtles and the penguins before landing in front of the beluga enclosure. There was enough blue-tinged light coming through the exhibit that Jay could make out the look on Hailey’s face. No one would ever accuse her of having overly demonstrative facial expressions, but something about the relative anonymity in the near-darkness had softened her features. Her eyes looked youthful and bright as she took in the playful antics of the sea animals surrounding them.

“Eyes forward, Halstead,” she chided him. Of course she felt him staring at her instead of the whales. “I’m not the one on display here.”

“That’s what you think,” he answered back. “How am I supposed to keep my eyes off of you when you look so radiant?”

She turned to him then, eyebrows turned up in question.

“Too cheesy?” he asked.

“Just a scooch.”

“Okay, but,” Jay countered, “in my defense, the light reflecting off of you really does make you look like you’re glowing. In a blue, submarine, beluga-y way. Not in like a ‘my wife is just so beautiful that I can’t stop staring at her’ kind of way.”

She laughed. “Good to know, I guess.”

He looked at her again, analyzing the glint in her eyes as they dashed back and forth following the whales’ movements. “For real, though, Hailey. It’s just nice to see you so relaxed.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jay.” She leaned into his side. “I am super chill all the time.”

It was his turn to laugh. But then he took advantage of her position by moving to stand directly behind her, wrapping both arms around her middle and resting his chin on her shoulder. They stood like that, watching the belugas together until security came in and informed them the aquarium was closing for the night.

Jay took a minute to look around and take in his surroundings as he stepped into the diner. It was your average greasy spoon, forgettable in almost every way, which is probably why Voight had chosen it as a meeting spot. He ran his eyes over the patrons, spotting Hank in the last booth in the corner.

He and Hailey had gotten home at a reasonable hour last night. Dinner had been nice, but he had to admit that eating in a trendy restaurant with a bunch of foreign words on the menu wasn’t as big of a deal as people made it seem. Their visit to the aquarium was pleasant, even if a little lowkey. It hadn’t been a groundbreaking outing by any means, but enough action for both of them to fall into an easy sleep once they returned home. Jay was grateful for that when he woke up to a message from his former boss, requesting an early morning rendezvous. Knowing Voight, that could mean any number of things, so Jay had his guard up as he made his way to the table.

“Hank,” he greeted with a perfunctory nod, sliding in across from him.

“Jay,” Voight answered, taking a sip of his coffee. “Want something to eat?”

“No, thanks. I’m good.” He drummed his fingers nervously on the table top. “Why don’t you just tell me why we’re here?”

Voight just raised an eyebrow at him while taking a bite of his toast.

Jay sighed. “Look, I’m not really comfortable talking about Hailey behind her back. You should just talk to her directly if you have any questions. She doesn’t like feeling like we’re all walking on eggshells around her.”

“I’m not here about Hailey.” Hank turned his attention from his breakfast to the man sitting across from him. “I’m here to talk about you.”

“What about me?”

“You working?”

“I’m not coming back to Intelligence, Hank.”

“And I’m not asking you to.”

An oppressive silence followed as Voight declined to say any more. Why was getting information out of this man like pulling teeth sometimes?

“I’m looking,” Jay acquiesced. “Trying to balance the practicalities like work and transportation with being there for Hailey. But I’m just in the early phases. Why?”

Hank answered, “My old sergeant in the Gang Unit put some feelers out. And I know Narcotics wouldn’t turn their nose up at someone with experience on an international task force. Just curious if I should put your name out there, put in a good word, you know?”

“But Sarge, not sure if you remember, but I’m not CPD anymore.”

Voight waved his hand dismissively. “Easy enough to remedy. You’d be fast tracked for rehire and promotion. If that’s something you’re interested in.”

Jay furrowed his eyebrows while he thought about the offer. “Why are you doing this, Voight?”

“Well, believe it or not, kid, I still care about you. I hate to see all your knowledge and skill sit by unused. And to be honest, Jay, even after everything… you are still my number one choice to lead the unit when they push me out for mandatory retirement in a few years. I’m not naive enough to think we could work together anymore, but if you wanted to bide your time in another unit… it could all be yours someday.”

“And where does Hailey fit into all of this?” Jay asked. “Assuming they rehire me and push me through the ranks like you want, I can’t picture them appointing me as the CO of my wife’s unit. Even if you’re the one backing me.”

Voight hesitated for a second. “I don’t know if Hailey even wants to come back, Jay. At all, let alone to the same unit. And I’m not going to put any unnecessary pressure on her.”

“What are you talking about?” Jay asked. “Of course she wants to come back to work.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“No,” he answered, flustered. “Not specifically, but she certainly hasn’t given any indications that that’s not what she wants. We were talking the other night, and she was surprised I didn’t want to come back. And yes, I know she’s kind of unpredictable right now, but she’s getting some of her spark back. She yelled at me the other day, and it was like, ‘there you are.’ I think getting well enough to return to work is a big motivating factor in her treatment, truthfully.”

Hank had a little smirk on his face. “I thought you weren’t going to talk about Hailey?”

“That doesn’t count.” Jay shook his head. “I would’ve said all that to her face.”

“That’s good to hear,” Voight said, “that we could get her back. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re the one I’ve been grooming to take over ever since Antonio left. You’ve got the rank, the skill, the disposition… all the right qualities.”

“You know who else fits that exact description? Hailey,” Jay pointed out. “Or Atwater, if you ever gave him enough time off for him to actually sit for the detectives’ exam. And, it should probably tell you something that both of the people you groomed - terrible word choice, by the way - to be your successor ended up crashing, burning, and literally fleeing the country. Your expectations… they’re a lot, Voight. Maybe they’re too heavy for you to be throwing them on people who aren’t even aware what they’re getting themselves into.”

Hank took a moment to take in what Jay was implying. “You’re right, Halstead. And that’s the primary reason why you were the one I set my sights on. You’re my antithesis, in a way, which was a pain in the ass sometimes, but you never swayed. Never gave into the darkness. At least, not entirely. It’s clear you still have a conscience, however damaged it might be. This unit… we have the numbers we do because we do things our way. Which is my way, for now. But we both know that’s going to be untenable before too long with all the police reform. So Intelligence is going to need someone who can toe the line. Who knows when to push and when to step back. And we both know that’s not Hailey. She’s gotten too close, blurred the lines, too many times, and it affects her. You and I have both seen the repercussions of that.”

“Still are,” Jay added glumly.

“Exactly,” Voight answered. “And between you and me… after everything that’s happened, I would be shocked if the Ivory Tower ever gives Hailey her own unit.”

“Even though you told her they couldn’t hold all this against her?”

“They can’t, as far as reinstatement goes, as long as she doesn’t present a danger. With all the push for promoting mental health these days, they’re not going to do anything to risk a discrimination lawsuit, so her job is safe. Promotion is another matter, though, and I can’t help but think this will always be a mark on her record, even if no one can admit that out loud. I’m not saying I agree with it, just saying that’s how it is.”

“Yeah, well, she’s got a long ways to go before that even becomes a conversation. Let’s not put the cart before the horse.”

“Right,” Hank agreed. “So back to you. Where did we land? What about SWAT? I don’t know anyone over there, but I can make some calls. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a marksman of your caliber.”

“Nope. I looked into it, no facial hair allowed. But look, Hank… let me think about it. I’m still leaning against rejoining, but if it turns out to be the best decision, then that’s what I’ll do.” He stood to leave, but turned back to Voight. “But if that happens, it will be because it’s the right thing for Hailey and me; it won’t be for you. Got it?”

Voight raised his hands as if in surrender. “Understood.” 

That night, Jay had a nightmare. It had been so long since Hailey had witnessed one that she didn’t realize that’s what was happening at first. So she stopped herself just in time from touching him, instinctively turning towards him when she heard him whimpering loudly enough to wake her. She paused, hand hovering over his shoulder, trying to remember some of the tips he had given her years ago. Don’t touch him. Speak firmly, but not harshly, to rouse him. Ground him to reality. Engage as many of his senses as you can. Be patient.

“Jay,” her voice was hoarse from sleep, “wake up, love.”

Of course, that hadn’t been enough to pull him from whatever trenches had him in their grip. Hailey reached to turn on her bedside lamp, washing the room in a warm clarity, and scurried around to the other side of the bed. His face was twisted as if in pain, and he was taking in big gulps of breath in between his quiet cries. She knelt, so that their faces were level, and literally sat on her hands to resist the urge to rest them on his forehead.

“Jay, I need you to wake up.” Her voice was stronger this time. “You’re having a dream, my love. It’s not real; you’re safe. But you need to wake up now. Come on, Halstead, wake up for me.”

Of course, the use of his surname is what did the trick. And she could see it, the moment his body recognized what she was saying, giving in for just a split second before his eyes popped open, still swimming in terror. Hailey jumped back as he threw off his covers and popped out of bed, body still ready to fight the demons even as his mind was discovering they weren’t here.

Her hands went up immediately, the universal sign for ‘I mean you no harm.’ “It’s okay, Jay. It’s okay, it was just a nightmare.”

He stared at her while she stood and carefully approached him. Finally, he nodded, before turning away from her and pacing, running his hands through his hair. He might be awake, but he was definitely still in distress.

“It’s all right, Jay. You’re safe, with me, here in our apartment in Chicago. Right? Feel the carpet under your feet. And listen, just the sound of my voice. You’re okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re safe.”

Jay nodded again as he returned to sit on the side of the bed, and she could see the tears coming down his cheeks in quiet streams. He didn’t flinch when she perched herself at the foot of the bed, still giving him plenty of space but close enough to extend her hand. He took it eagerly, awake enough now to understand himself how important it was to stay grounded. They sat that way for a few minutes, Hailey repeating reminders that he was safe while Jay’s breathing slowly returned to normal.

“I’m going to get you some water. Be right back.” Even with the warning, she hated to leave him alone. But she knew the shock of the ice water would bring him all the way back down. And she was right; it did. But it also led to him shivering, which transitioned into full body tremors, the tension desperate to escape his body any way it could.

“Come on,” Hailey urged, “let’s get you back under the covers until it passes.”

He did as she asked, curling in on himself in an effort to control the shaking. Hailey had witnessed this only a handful of times, and it still scared her a little. It made her feel so helpless, knowing it just had to run its course. But then she remembered something her nurse had done to help her while she was in the hospital.

“You want a Xanax?” she offered her husband.

He shook his head.

“You sure? I think it might help.”

“I’m fine, Hailey,” he insisted, finally feeling in control enough to speak. “It’s just got to work itself out. Besides, it’s illegal.”

She knew that, of course. And considering that he was still interested in pursuing a career with the DEA, taking a controlled substance that wasn’t prescribed to him was a pretty terrible idea. But she would still be okay with it, if it managed to give him some peace right now when he really needed it.

“You’re not fine. Not sure who you think you’re fooling with that nonsense.” She made sure to inject her words with extra affection, not wanting him to interpret it as criticism. “Should I put something to watch on the iPad? Or do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep?”

He didn’t answer right away, so Hailey gave him some time while she returned to her side and got situated behind him. “I’m not sure,” he finally admitted.

“Want to try, at least?”

He nodded.

“Okay. Light on or off?”

Another long pause. “On. I’m sorry, Hailey. I’ll go out to the couch once this shaking calms down.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort, Jay. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t okay with keeping it on. Now, what else can I do? Is it okay if I rub your back?”

He didn’t answer. She read between the lines and started doing it anyway.

“Thank you,” he whispered. And it wasn’t long after that that the shaking stopped. Hailey wasn’t sure if he ever went back to sleep, but her hand was still on his back when she drifted off herself twenty minutes later.

Jay was up before she was the next morning, but he showed no signs of damage from his harrowing night. Rather, he was sitting calmly on the sofa with a bowl of oatmeal and scrolling through his phone. “Morning, Hails,” he greeted her.

“Good morning yourself,” she answered, sitting down beside him, and - once she felt confident that his reflexes had returned to normal - shoved her bare feet under his thigh for warmth. “How are you feeling?”

He shrugged, shoveling another bite of oatmeal in his mouth. “About like normal.”

“Did you go back to sleep at all?”

“I must’ve,” he said. “Don’t really remember much until the sun came up, so I think I must have dozed off.” He held out a spoonful of his oatmeal to her in offering.

She squinted her eyes as she analyzed the concoction. “What’s in it?”

“Bananas, peanut butter, walnuts. A few hemp seeds.”

“No, thanks,” she answered. “You had me until walnuts. Oatmeal shouldn’t be crunchy. That’s a sin against nature.”

He laughed at her comment, and there was a pleasant, comfortable silence as Hailey got up and made her own instant packet of oatmeal, sans any kind of crunch. She put on the coffee to brew and returned to her spot beside him on the couch.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked tentatively.

His answer was instant. “No. Thanks.”

She rolled his answer around in her mind for a moment before responding. “Okay. But if you change your mind… you know that you can, right? I know that I probably don’t seem like the most reliable person for emotional support right now, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m too fragile to deal with your issues.”

“I know that, Hailey. And if I thought it would help, I would. Tell you about it, I mean.”

“All right. Just remember,” she reminded him, “that promise to keep talking to each other goes both ways. You’re not superhuman, and if you need to decompress, I’m here.”

He smiled at her, placing a hand on her knee. “I know, Hailey. And I appreciate it. There’s just not much to talk about. It’s all just flashes of light and sounds. Nothing tangible.”

“Can you just tell me one thing? Was it the same as before? Was it Afghanistan? Or were you dreaming about Bolivia?”

“Honestly, Hails, I can’t remember,” he insisted. “It’s all just a blur.”

She nodded, relenting to his claim and turning her attention back to her breakfast. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was not being entirely truthful with her.

“Okay, so talk to me about how you’re going to plan your time next week.”

Hailey looked at her therapist, trying to figure out exactly what he was asking her. “You want a play-by-play of my daily schedule?”

“No,” he responded. “I want to be confident that you understand that it’s going to feel a lot different for you, having individual appointments here and there instead of just spending all day here. Sometimes having that free time isn’t your friend. I’m just curious if you’ve thought much about how to fill that time.”

“It doesn’t seem like that much free time to me,” she answered. “I’ve got my appointment with you every week, and, if the referral goes through, we’ll be meeting with that couples counselor once a week, too. I’m still looking into support groups, to see if any of them sound like a good fit, but there’s also a trauma-informed yoga class that caught my eye. Those can be multiple days a week, so I don’t really see myself just sitting at home and twiddling my thumbs.”

“So humor me for a minute,” Steven urged. “Let’s assume that having a one-hour appointment doesn’t completely occupy your entire day. You need to have a plan if your thoughts start heading in a direction you don’t want them to.”

Hailey shrugged. “Then I redirect them.”

“How?”

“Positive self-talk. Focusing on what I know to be true rather than how I feel. Maybe journaling, or even talking to someone about it. Taking a walk. Taking a shower. Taking a nap.” She couldn’t help but chuckle at her last suggestion.

“All right, that’s a pretty good list. Tell me about this ‘someone’ you can talk to. I’m assuming you mean your husband, but it’s a good idea to have some other people on standby that you can reach out to for whatever reason. Do you have a few in mind?”

“Yeah, of course,” Hailey answered. “People from work. I mean, it was one of my coworkers I called when all this went down in the first place. But also my desk sergeant. She’s been great. And Jay’s brother is a good guy, and even my family if things got bad.”

This got Steven’s attention. “You haven’t really mentioned your family, in regards to your recovery. Have you spoken to them lately?”

“No,” she admitted. “They don’t know anything about this, because… well, involving them wouldn’t exactly be conducive to the healing process. But… it’s complicated. I’m not super close with them anymore, but I know I could rely on my brothers if I really needed them.” Maybe even my mom.

“Family so often is complicated,” Steven agreed, “especially if they’ve been as affected as you are by the circumstances of your childhood. They may be more understanding than you think, if you ever felt like opening up to them.”

“Mm,” Hailey hummed in acknowledgement, not sure what else to say on the matter.

Steven picked up on her cues and moved to another topic, though perhaps one just as perplexing as the other. “Have you given any thought about returning to work?”

She hesitated, searching around in her brain for the best way to describe her thoughts, before just giving up and saying, “No, not really.”

Steven nodded. “Normally, if you were a student or worked a desk job, we would be at the point now where I would be encouraging you to start back, at least part time. A good way to ease back into real life while also helping to fill in some of that free time. But the nature of your job, and the fact that it may have contributed to your situation, makes it a little different. What are your thoughts on that?”

“On going back to work?”

He nodded.

“I… I don’t know. I want to. I was with my coworker the other day when he got called to a scene, and it was disappointing when I remembered I couldn’t go with him. I miss the action. I miss the mental challenge. I miss feeling useful. But I’m worried… I’m scared it won’t be the same. Definitely not at first - I’ll be riding the desk for a good while - but maybe not ever. It’s still hard to imagine that any of them will ever look at me the same again. Ever trust me again.”

“Would you be interested in at least trying?” her counselor asked with a decent amount of compassion in his voice.

Hailey’s eyes dropped to her fidgeting fingers in her lap. “I have to, right? I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I didn’t. Being a cop… that’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t know who I would be without my work.”

“Well, I’m going to jot that one down, because we’ll definitely need to circle back to that in another session, but I don’t want us to get too off track right now. You say you’re worried, so let’s lean into that. What would the worst case scenario be?”

She had to think about that. “That I can’t do it anymore. That I’m constantly on edge and can’t keep it together. That they don’t trust me, secure their weapons when I’m around. That they all look at me with pity and concern and let me just file all their paperwork and write up their warrants because they’re worried I’ll fall into a black hole if they don’t let me at least pretend to be a police officer again. That I’ll be nothing but a distraction.”

“Best case scenario?”

“I guess, well, in the realm of reality… I do reports and warrants while I get my feet wet. My team is supportive, and encouraging, and after a while, they let me do a bit more. Interrogations, interviews, filing evidence. And if all that goes off without a hitch… firearms recertification. Return to the field.”

“Okay, so here’s my question: if you were to do nothing, keep things exactly as they are right now, which of those two scenarios would your life look more like in three months?”

Hailey gave him an annoyed look in response.

He continued, “Any change is going to feel scary, and it’s going to involve some level of risk. But we have to ask ourselves which risks are worth taking. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Have you spoken to anyone from the CPD about potentially coming back?”

“Just my sergeant, no one too high up.”

“What did he have to say?”

“He said he’d be waiting with the paperwork as soon as I got the okay from my doctor.”

“From what I can tell, Hailey, it sounds like the only obstacle keeping you from returning to work, is you. Dr. Broder has already signed off on you starting back in a restricted capacity. I’m sure the CPD has its own requirements for you to move back into your previous role, but you have to start somewhere. So it’s important for you to really assess how you’re feeling about it. If you’re ready to press on, if you need to slow it down, or if you need to hit the brakes altogether. There’s no wrong answer here. So put some thought into it over the next week. And if you want to move forward, ask your supervisor what documentation you need from us. We’ll be happy to accommodate them.”

Hailey already knew what her answer would be, even if she took some time to think about it like her therapist recommended. There was no scenario she could imagine in which moving forward in her recovery involved her doing any other kind of work. True, her job may have been a contributing factor to her downward spiral. More likely, though, it was what had kept her afloat for so many years as she scrambled to give meaning and significance to her life. Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest outlook, but being a detective was part of her identity. Not the biggest part, or the most important, anymore, but a substantial piece of who she was nonetheless. And she would be damned if she was going to let a little bit of fear take that part away from her.

No, Hailey knew her answer for certain. She wanted to go back to work. And if her medical team thought she was ready, then who was she to doubt them? Ready, willing, and able. She would find out the exact steps she needed to take to return to Intelligence, and then she would go from there.

Chapter Text

The sound of the district door closing behind her seemed incredibly loud. Hailey felt the vibrations, the noise echoing throughout the staircase and entryway, alerting everyone in the vicinity that she was here.

That’s how it felt, anyway. And the brief look of shock on Platt’s face when she saw who it was entering the 21st didn’t make her feel any better. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it was far too soon to even think about stepping foot in this building again. She felt her breath start to hitch, an inkling of panic scratching its way up her throat. Before she could turn to leave, though, she heard her desk sergeant’s clear voice calling out to her.

“Detective Upton, what a surprise!”

Hailey looked around as she took a few deep breaths. There were a couple of uniforms darting about. A few civilians waiting around. And Trudy standing guard as always in her place behind the desk. None of them were paying that much attention to her. In fact, if Trudy hadn’t hollered out her greeting, they might not have noticed her entrance at all.

“It’s good to see you, Hailey,” Trudy said more quietly as she stepped up to the desk, forcing herself to maintain eye contact. “What brings you around here?”

“Oh, um, well…” Just spit it out, Upton. Nothing changes if nothing changes. “Actually, my doctors think I’m ready to start work soon. And I don’t really have any idea how to go about that. So I was thinking maybe I could talk to Voight about it. Hopefully, they’re not right in the middle of a case.”

“Well, that is good news,” Platt agreed. “And Hank’s up there, but here: I have some of the info you need right here.” She leaned down to grab what she needed and presented Hailey with a few sheets of paper. “Okay. These two need to be filled out by your doctor and submitted to Medical. This one, too, if you have any limitations or restrictions. Then, these two - no, wait, three - are for you to fill out. Now… don’t be surprised if they ask you to meet with a departmentally-appointed doctor before they approve anything. They’re all about CYA-ing up in the Ivory Tower, but if your doctor thinks you’re ready, I’m sure that everything will go through. It might just take some time.”

Hailey nodded, overwhelmed by the paperwork before her. Of course it was going to be a cumbersome process. 

“Any questions?” Platt asked.

Tons. “Nope. Seems pretty straightforward.”

“All right. You can head on up, then. I’ll call and let Hank know you’re on the way.”

Hailey didn’t move.

“What?”

“I can’t…” she trailed off, praying Trudy understood what she was trying to say.

“Sure you can, Upton,” Trudy replied, barely suppressing rolling her eyes. “You still work here. No one removed your access. So why don’t you scurry on up those stairs like a good little mouse and buzz yourself in?”

“I… just… Trudy, I would rather talk to him down here, please.” She hoped her tone didn’t sound as desperate as she felt.

Begrudgingly, Platt picked up the phone and shooed Hailey off to the little meeting room beside the stairs. It wasn’t long before Voight met her there, looking as unaffected and intimidating as ever.

“Well,” Voight said as he closed the door, “I can’t say that I’m surprised to see you, after the way Jay talked about you coming back to work. But it is good to see you here.”

Those were not the words she was expecting to hear. “When did you talk to Jay?”

“Yesterday morning. I was trying to persuade him to give the CPD a second chance. He seemed… resistant. You, not so much?”

She nodded, stowing away the knowledge that Jay was talking to Voight again in the back of her mind to address with him later. “My doctor says it’s probably time for me to try adjusting back to regular life again.”

“Mm. Do you agree? You didn’t have much to say about it last week.”

Was that really only a week ago? “I don’t really know. That’s the problem. I have no idea how much I can handle until I try. And I know that puts you in an awkward position, doing what’s best for the entire team, but I’m ready to try. I’m eons better than I was the last time I was in this building, and I was doing enough then to not get fired, so…”

“Is that your goal?” Voight asked. “To not get fired?”

“Of course not, Sarge. You know that’s not what I meant. I was just trying to say that I think I can at least accomplish the bare minimum. I’m not at 100% yet, but I think I could be. If you’re still willing to give me another chance.”

“My stance hasn’t changed, Hailey. I’m ready to welcome you back to work as soon as I get the okay.”

“So… what do you need from me?” Hailey asked. “Platt already gave me all the paperwork. I don’t mean CPD’s requirements; I mean yours.”

Voight paused for a moment before answering. “There are going to be conditions, Hailey. And you’re not going to like most of them, I can tell you that right now. But I need you to remember that they’re not punitive, all right? They’re for our protection. Okay, all of ours. Yours, mine, the team’s, the department’s. Got it?”

“Yes, sir,” she replied.

“We’ll start you with half days. Make sure you balance your time here with time away. And you will be limited to anything that can be done at a desk. No interaction with civilians. You’ll be our go-to person for paperwork and in-house analysis. And listen, Hailey, because this part is very important. Non-negotiable. What I say, goes, no questions asked. If I tell you to take a break, you take a break. If I tell you to go home, you don’t push back. You understand? I have to trust that you are where you’re supposed to be 100% of the time. That’s not always been your strong suit in the past. But now it’s more important than ever that we’re on the same page about that.”

He was right; she didn’t like the sound of that. But she bit her tongue and nodded. It had to be this way, at least at first.

“Listen, Hailey, I also believe that you can get back to 100%. I need you at full capacity. But in light of how things went down, you and I need to reestablish some boundaries. So I need you to be honest with me about anything affecting your ability to do your job safely. If you feel like your anxiety is getting out of control, I need to know. If you start having trouble sleeping again, I need to know. I need to trust that you recognize your own limitations. We’ll get there. But I’m going to be extra cautious until we do. And even if you don’t always like it, you need to respect it.” 

“I understand, Sarge,” she assured him. “I’m not thrilled about it, but I get it. I just… I’m grateful you’re even giving me a second chance. I know that’s more than what I deserve.”

“Everyone deserves a few second chances, here and there,” Voight answered. “And like I’ve been telling you… you’re a good detective, Hailey. I would be a fool not to hang on to you. I can tolerate a few bad months if that’s what gets us through to some good ones.”

“What if it doesn’t, though?” The words escaped before she fully realized what she was asking. “What if I can’t do this, Voight?”

“Then you keep trying,” her CO answered simply as he stood to leave. “And if that doesn’t work, then you start to explore other options. The department will find a place where you feel comfortable. But who are we kidding, Hailey? You belong upstairs. In fact, I’m tempted to drag you up there right now and get your thoughts on the double homicide we’re working. But all in good time. Let me know when you get that paperwork submitted. We’ll figure out a start date.” A pat on her shoulder and then he was gone.

Hailey felt much better, having gotten that conversation out of the way. Trudy was on the phone as she left, but she motioned Hailey back towards her. She stood, not so patiently waiting for Platt to end the call. When she finally did, she analyzed Hailey for a moment but didn’t say anything.

“What, Trudy?” the exasperation in her voice not subtle.

“I just want to make sure you’re ready for this, kiddo.”

“And you can determine that just by looking at me?”

“Well,” Platt said, “I can see some of that classic Upton charm is making its reappearance. But yes, I can tell a lot more than you think. You’re not that hard to read, Hailey.”

She gave her sergeant her fakest smile. “Can you tell what I’m thinking right now?”

“I can, and how dare you. But really, Hailey, are you sure about this? You do know that you’ll have to actually go back upstairs when you show up to work?”

Hailey rolled her eyes. “Your concern is touching, Trudy. And I’m not sure about anything, but it’s time. My therapist basically said he’s tired of my face and I need to get a job. And with your unwavering support, now could I ever fail?”

“All right, Upton, get your sarcastic ass out of here. I’ve got work to do.”

“You’re the one who called me over here.”

“Always got an answer for everything, don’t you, Blondie? That kind of backtalk isn’t going to fly once you’re well and truly under my command again.”

“Yes, ma’am, Sergeant Platt.” Hailey saluted before turning to leave.

“One more thing, Upton!”

Hailey heaved a deep sigh, bracing herself for whatever insults Trudy was going to hurl at her again. Proving that she was up for a little ribbing was one thing, but maybe Platt was determined to make her question her decision to return to work. She schooled her face into what she hoped was an unreadable expression and turned back to her desk sergeant.

“Welcome back.” Trudy gave her a discreet half-nod. Hailey nodded back, unable to avoid a slight upturn of her lip when she turned once more to leave. She could do this. She was ready.

Jay was once again parked on the sofa when Hailey returned home that evening. But she knew he must have been up at some point in the day based on the smell of dinner wafting throughout the apartment. 

She could get used to this. She knew that Jay needed to get a job, for both their sakes, but it was so nice coming back to a warm, home-cooked meal after a long day (and she was sure that the feeling would be multiplied tenfold after a hard day at work, rather than just her intensive therapy sessions and a stop by the district). Cooking had been a luxury when they were both in Intelligence; often they barely had time to even reheat a frozen meal in a pitiful excuse for dinner. There was something so cozy and domestic and consistent about this routine. She would miss it, once he figured out what he wanted to do, and they would both be full time again. They would be back to alternating who selected the takeout on which night, and struggling through basic household chores like laundry and cleaning the bathroom on their precious few days off.

But it wasn’t going to be like it was, Hailey reminded herself. They were different. She was different. And she was pretty sure he had changed a good bit while he was down in Bolivia.

Hadn’t that been the whole point?

“Hey,” Jay called to her from his spot on the couch. “I was beginning to worry about you. You’re later than normal.”

Right. She probably should have told him about her detour to the 21st. “Yeah, sorry, I should have texted you. I decided to swing by the district to pick up my return paperwork. Dr. Broder thinks I’m ready to go back to work.”

“Wow,” Jay said, “that seems fast.”

“Yeah,” Hailey agreed. “Listen… Jay, did you talk to Voight? About me coming back to work?”

“I actually told him specifically that I wasn’t going to talk about you,” he answered. “But we did speak, yeah.”

“Were you going to tell me? Because apparently I came up anyway.”

Jay hesitated, pursing his lips in thought. “I wasn’t not going to tell you. It just didn’t really seem pertinent. He asked me if I wanted to return to CPD and I told him probably not. You did come up, Hailey, but not in a bad way. You know, it’s just impossible to talk about my relationship with him without acknowledging how it affects you, too.”

She took a moment to analyze his response, running her finger up and down the seam of the throw pillow next to her. “Jay, I’m worried about you,” she finally just blurted out.

“Why? Because of last night?” He closed his computer and set it on the coffee table, then turned to give her his full attention.

“Not just because of last night, although I feel like nightmares are a pretty big warning sign. I just… there’s been lots of little things here and there that make me wonder if you had a harder time in Bolivia than you’re letting on. And I just remember how difficult you said it was for you when you came back from overseas the first time. I don’t want that to happen again, and I’m worried that you’re putting all of your own stuff on the back burner because you’re too busy focusing on me. And I don’t want that, Jay. I don’t want you to ignore your needs just because I’m super needy right now.” Hailey was a little surprised at the tears forming in the corners of her eyes as she spoke. Maybe this had been stressing her more than she realized.

And when Jay didn’t answer right away, made no effort to outright deny what she had claimed, she knew her concerns were warranted.

“Don’t cry, Hails. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not,” she whispered, even as he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away her unshed tears.

They spent a moment taking each other in, his vivid green eyes soft and kind in their analysis of hers. She saw no signs of the pain and horror that had overtaken him during his bad dream, but she knew they were still there. He had become an expert over the years of keeping them hidden, but Jay would never truly escape the terrible things he had witnessed.

That wasn’t how PTSD worked. She knew that even before she realized that it applied to her, too.

At last, Jay took a steadying breath and answered her, trying to allay her fears. “Listen, Hailey. I appreciate your concern, and I understand where it’s coming from. I’m not doing great, I won’t deny that. But I am okay. Bolivia wasn’t easy, and it was probably stupid for me not to realize how much reenlisting could push my buttons. It was way different than Afghanistan. But did it bring some stuff up that I once spent a good bit of time trying to bury? Yes. I’m not going to lie to you. But here’s the thing: I’ve already gone through this before. I know how it goes. And yes, I am immensely grateful that you weren’t there to witness how crappy I was at it the first time around. You want to talk about rock bottom? I was pretty damn close. But between Will, and Mouse, and even my dad, I was able to pull my head out of my ass long enough to find some direction. And at that time, I found my meaning in the department. Joining CPD was the best thing I could have done for myself at that time. I didn’t realize just how lost I was until I found my footing again. This time around… I was much more prepared. I know what warning signs to look for in myself. I know when I need to reach out and when maybe just an extra long workout will do the trick. But probably the biggest difference is that I know the importance of finding a purpose, something else to focus on that gives life meaning, and hope. Last time, I had to search for it. But this time… I mean, you’re right there, Hailey. What more could I possibly need to find?”

She sniffled, needing to give herself a minute to devise a response to that. “Jay, that’s… I guess that’s reassuring, that you feel confident in your ability to deal with all of that. But… you can’t just rely on me as a distraction.”

“I didn’t mean it like that-”

“I’m sure you didn’t. But don’t you see how that’s a very thin line to walk? And I can speak from personal experience when I tell you that convincing yourself that nothing’s wrong when all the evidence points to the contrary can lead to pretty disastrous results. I mean, you said it yourself about me: I was fine until I wasn’t. And we both know that you make some impulsive decisions when you feel backed into a corner. Last time it was quitting your job and moving to Bolivia, but what if next time it’s a lot more severe? What if you’re the one who puts a gun to your head?”

The dam broke and a couple of tears ran freely down her face now, and Hailey couldn’t deny the relief she felt when he pulled her into his arms and embraced her firmly, his voice low and soothing. “Hey, come here. That’s not going to happen, Hailey. It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re going to be okay.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t,” he admitted with a shrug, pulling away from her but still keeping his hands secure on her shoulders. “But we’ve made it this far, and we’re both putting a lot more effort into this whole mental stability thing. And what I was going to say, before you cut me off, is that I’m not ignoring this. I went to that veterans’ support group today. And just now I was googling the therapist that I used to see; I’ll reach out to her if things don’t improve. But I want you to know that I can multitask; I can look after myself but still be there for you, too. Okay?”

She nodded. “But let’s also be clear that that applies to me, too. We agreed to both be more open, remember?”

“I do,” Jay answered, drawing out the words, “but Hailey… I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s different. What we’re each going through. It just is.”

She bristled and pulled away from him. “What do you mean?”

He leaned back as well and ran his fingers through his hair. “I mean that even if we’re both dealing with PTSD, our traumas are not the same. Yours is… engrained, practically, and untangling that from yourself is a big process. Whereas mine was more clear cut. There’s a defined before, during, and after. And it was all from something I chose. Repeatedly. I had agency in deciding what happened to me, which means I’m responsible for the consequences. And that’s just not true for you.”

Maybe he had given this more thought than she realized. “It sounds like you’re saying that you deserve what you’re going through. But one of the first things they taught us in therapy was not to compare traumas.”

Jay bit his lip, and his eyes didn’t quite meet hers when he answered. “Well, considering how much my decision to go hurt you, maybe I do. At the very least, I have no right to complain about what are very natural, expected consequences to my actions.”

“And as someone who loves you a lot and has made the choice to forgive you, I think that logic is dumb as rocks.” She gave him a gentle kick to his thigh. “There’s no reason for you to be playing the martyr, Jay. It’s not helping either of us. Please, don’t be afraid to give yourself the time and energy you need. I’m improving every day, or so they tell me, and I want to be there for you, too. Two-way street, remember?”

“Right,” he answered, giving a succinct nod. “I’m sorry. Still figuring out how to be the new and improved version of myself.”

She met his self-deprecating smile with one of her own. “Aren’t we all?”

He pulled her close once more, and took her with him as he reclined on the sofa. “Speaking of which… you’re going back to work? When did that happen?”

“Well, I picked up the forms that I have to ask my doctor to fill out so I can submit them to hopefully be approved to go back to work. I did step one of, like, eight. Platt says it can take a while.” She nuzzled into his neck, letting his scent overwhelm her as she allowed herself to finally start decompressing from another hectic week. “But it’s a start.”

“Yep,” he agreed, pressing his lips into the side of her forehead, and then just resting them there, so the rest of his statement came out muffled. “We all have to start somewhere.”

She was worried about him.

That was the last thing Jay had wanted to happen.

But after the doozy of a nightmare he had last night, it would have been foolish to expect anything else. It certainly wasn’t the first one he had had since he came back to Chicago, but it was the loudest, if it had managed to wake her up before it shocked him into awareness. It confused him, how he didn’t experience those same sleep disturbances while he was actually in a combat zone. It wasn’t until he returned home, all imminent threats of danger far behind him, that his mind felt the need to remind him of all the demons he tried so valiantly to ignore. Jay supposed there was some psychological explanation why his brain worked this way, unable to process events while he was still undergoing them, but he still felt frustrated by the way that it played out. Because now Hailey was feeling the impact, too. There was no way for him to work through his baggage in silence when his night terrors gave him away so easily.

And it wasn’t that he was hiding it from her, necessarily. Just trying not to add any fuel to her already blazing fire. But it wasn’t until he heard her accuse him of playing the martyr that he realized that’s exactly what he was doing. Maybe he deserved what he was going through; maybe he didn’t. But suffering in silence wasn’t benefiting either of them except maybe to help appease his guilty conscience. But she said she forgave him. Maybe it was time for him to really try to forgive himself.

The problem was that it seemed like she was paying for his sins far more than he ever would. And how was he supposed to reconcile that?

But Hailey had told him that wasn’t the case. That his absence is not what caused her decline. Sure, it was probably a catalyst that hurried the process along. Not because he was what made her whole, but because she had used their relationship as a crutch. And when he had kicked that crutch out from under her, she had no choice but to go tumbling down.

But he wasn’t the one who broke her in the first place. She had told him as much, and Jay knew that deep down, too. So why was it so hard to believe her?

He supposed that was a question he was going to ponder for a little while. But not at her expense. So Jay turned his attention to what he knew to be true: that he was here, with Hailey. They were both alive, and safe. Committed and grateful. And they had an entire weekend laid out before them with nary an obligation. And as they lay, snuggling on the couch while they waited for the enchiladas to finish baking, Jay reminded himself that this was what he longed for while he was away. Connection. Familiarity. Hope. Hailey. It was downright wasteful for him to spend any more of his energy worrying about things he couldn’t control instead of savoring the fact that he was right where he wanted to be. Right where they both belonged. 

Chapter Text

“Have you talked to your brother lately?”

Hailey’s question seemed to come out of nowhere.

“Um, no, not for a while. Why? Was I supposed to?”

It was a crisp, clear Saturday afternoon that hinted toward the cooler weather that was just around the corner. Neither of them was used to having multiple wide open weekends in a row, so Jay saw it as a perfect opportunity for them to get really acquainted with his new truck. They loaded up after lunch to wind their way through all the terrains Chicago had to offer them. Currently, they had made their way all the way out to the suburbs, giving him a chance to really test out his new baby’s horsepower, now that he could accelerate without having to brake every 200 feet. Screw what it said about his masculinity; he had missed having a truck.

“Oh, no,” she reassured him. “I just wasn’t sure how much you two kept in touch, now that you’re in the same country but different states.”

“I think he’s got other things on his mind right now, getting settled finally in Seattle.”

“Do you miss him?” Hailey asked after a beat.

Jay shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. It took us a while to get to a point where we could both kind of reconcile everything that had gone down with our family. It was nice, having him around. But I can’t hold it against him for following his heart, you know?”

She smiled as she nodded, but Jay could tell it was a bit forced. Something was on her mind. He didn’t have to wait long to find out what, because after he turned the next corner, she gave it up. 

“I’ve been thinking about getting in touch with them. My brothers, I mean.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm. Probably not a surprise, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my family lately. And there’s so much resentment there, Jay. So much. I still don’t really know what to do with it. But the more I think about it, none of it’s on them. I don’t know why I feel like they deserve any of the blame; they’re my big brothers, but they were just kids, too. And truthfully… they’re the only other people who can really get it. And I know I’m not ready to see my parents yet, but I also know that just avoiding my family forever isn’t the right solution. So I guess I feel like Seth and Tyler are a good place to start.”

“That makes sense,” he agreed. “Brothers just make such a convenient scapegoat sometimes. When was the last time you saw them?”

“Easter. Platt refused to put me on call because she was worried I was working too much, so I didn’t have an excuse to avoid the obligatory family gathering.”

“There’s an obligatory Easter gathering? How have I never heard about this? We’ve been together for three years.”

“Because I usually try to get out of it,” Hailey answered. “Also, you were overseas for like a quarter of that time. But yes, Easter is a big deal to Greeks. Christmas, too.”

“So, are you going to wait until the holidays, or you think you’ll call them before then?”

“Soon, probably,” she said. “I think they thought I was in denial when I told them that you and I were still together even though you moved away indefinitely. They’re probably not your biggest fans right now, so it wouldn’t hurt to show them they were wrong.”

Jay winced. “I guess I deserve that. Do you think I can win them back over?”

“Probably. You can be quite charming, when you want to be.”

“Yeah,” he answered, “but I’ve only met them once. And they say that it takes five positive interactions to balance out one negative one. So I've got my work cut out for me.”

“Who says that?” she asked.

“Relationship experts. What? I read it somewhere,” he said in response to her incredulous look. “Speaking of positive interactions… What's on your agenda for tonight? Anything you especially want to do?”

“Well, since we’re on a tropey date kick, how about a movie?”

He thought about that for a minute. “We absolutely can do a movie, Hails, on two conditions. One: we stop at the drug store first to get candy because I’m not paying six dollars for a box of Sour Patch Kids.”

“Of course,” she said. “That’s just good fiscal sense. Although, if we get caught, it’s all your idea. I am still an officer of the law, after all.”

“That’s only fair, I guess,” he agreed.

“What’s the second condition?” Hailey asked.

He glanced at her for a second before he responded. “You go into it with the knowledge and understanding that there’s a 70% chance I’ll fall asleep.”

She grinned at him while she pulled out her phone to check the movie listings. “I would expect nothing less from you, Halstead. If I pick something that’s exciting enough to keep you awake, will you make it up to me later?”

“Make it up how?”

She shrugged, a slight smile teasing the corner of her lips. “I’m sure you could think of something.”

They caught a matinee, so it was still early when they came through their apartment door that evening. Hailey had selected a suspenseful film, and it had its desired effect as Jay managed to stay awake the whole time (something that he struggled with if he was sitting still for more than twenty minutes at a time). The weather had cooled to an evening that definitely evoked autumn rather than summer, and Hailey was more than happy for the excuse to snuggle with Jay on the couch for a few hours. He turned his attention to the TV and the Sox game that was on.

She was content, curled up to his side, fingers lazily tracing mindless patterns into the fabric of his jeans, but there was a stray thought bouncing around her mind after she had mentioned it earlier. And when she ran through the same stream of thought about it a third time with no additional insight, she begrudgingly acknowledged that the only way to address it was to just ask him.

Talking to each other. That’s what they were all about now, right?

“Jay,” she began, hesitating until he looked at her, the gentle raise of his eyebrow prompting her to go on. She turned her own eyes to her dry cuticles, fighting the suddenly overwhelming urge to pick at them while she continued. “Do you think we’re ever going to have sex again?”

The surprised look she received in return told her that this was not a question he was anticipating. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, obviously looking for just the right words, before he gathered himself enough to say, “Yes, I would very much like that, Hailey.”

She relaxed, hearing his response, and gave him a confirming nod. “Okay. Good.” She could tell, now that she was looking at him, that he was still confused by her question, waiting for her to explain what had prompted it.

When she failed to elaborate, he asked, “Do you mean now? Was that foreplay?”

“No,” she said, put at ease by his teasing tone. “That was my attempt to have a conversation with you about where you stand on the matter. Because when we were in the truck this afternoon, things got a little flirty in a way that felt like it could have been foreplay. But now we’re watching baseball, which is fine, but I’m just trying to understand where we’re at. If this is part of your starting-over-from-the-first-date thing, just taking it slow, or what. Because you’ve been treating me like I’m some sort of delicate flower or something, and if that’s your hang-up - that you think I’m too fragile - you need to let it go. I think it’s time.”

He sat up, unwinding his arm from around her so that he could face her head on. “Honestly, Hailey, I don’t know that it’s either of those things. Or maybe a combination of both, but sex has just been really low on my list of priorities since I’ve been home. I guess I just assumed that was true for you, too, with everything going on. But we can rectify it, for sure. I have no problems with that.”

“I mean, a woman has needs,” she pointed out, “but you’re right that it hasn’t exactly been on the forefront of my mind. But you and I… we’re making progress, right? Getting closer to normal, so I just want to make sure we address any roadblocks now, so that when we do reach that point, we can do it without any distractions.”

“That’s logical,” he agreed, “but I’m not sure I have any roadblocks. I’ve just been… I don’t know, careful, I guess. You know, it was only four weeks ago that you turned me away at the hospital, and that first night we slept together, you were stiff as a board.”

“That’s because I was confused, Jay! And scared. Not because I didn’t want to see you!”

“I know, Hails, I’m not complaining about that at all. Just trying to help you understand why I’ve been moving so slow in the physical intimacy department. It’s a pretty big leap from where we were then to casual sex, so going slow and steady just made sense. It felt - it still feels - like getting our emotional intimacy in sync is much more important. Because who are we kidding? The sexual stuff was never a problem for us. And I have to imagine that the more comfortable we get with each other in other ways, the sex will be just as easy as it’s always been.”

“It might not be, though,” she said, dropping her eyes again to her knees, “for me. Apparently antidepressants can wreak havoc on your libido.”

“And yet, you’re the one who initiated this conversation,” he answered, a timid smile on his face, “which means you’ve got sex on the brain, at least a little. And that didn’t just come from nowhere. I think you’ll be all right. Because, as you already pointed out, I’ve been making zero advances toward you; it didn’t come from me. And my libido is just fine.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Do I even want to know how you managed that for ten months alone?”

He shrugged, mischievous look in his eye. “Probably the exact same way you did, I’m sure. The same way I did for the two years I was in denial about the way I felt about you.”

She leaned her head on the back of the couch, a wistful smile crossing her lips. “Why were we both so stupid back then?”

The crinkled laugh lines around his eyes softened, and he reached out a hand to cup her cheek. “Probably all the BPA we were exposed to as kids.”

His unexpected and absurd response led them both to fits of laughter. Jay pulled her close again, a hand tugging around each of her calves so that she was practically sitting on his lap as he continued, “Plus, I can’t speak for you, but I’m pretty sure Will dropped me on my head as a baby.”

“That explains so much,” she muttered, chuckling into his neck. “My brothers weren’t exactly mild children, either.”

They sat like that for a moment, her folded like a pretzel around him as what she had left unsaid hung in the air, putting an immediate damper on what had been a lighthearted moment. But now she knew they were both thinking about the unfortunate fact that she had suffered more severe treatment as a child than that which came from innocent sibling antics. 

Hailey sighed, hating the fact that she couldn’t even share a reminiscence about her youth with her husband without it ruining their evening. She felt Jay kiss her earlobe, his hand running soothing circles on her back. He had sensed the change in her, and it was a little frightening how easily his actions calmed her breathing right back down again. She squeezed him a little tighter, once again grateful for his uncanny ability to pick up on her cues.

“So,” she mumbled into his neck, “we can have sex sometime?”

The rumble of his laughter against her was a delightful sound. “Without question, my love,” Jay said. “We can have sex any time you want.”

“Even when the Sox are on?”

“Even then,” he said, pulling back to look at her straight on. “Why? Was that foreplay?”

“I know it’s been a while, Jay, but I think my flirtation game is a little stronger than that. Besides,” she unwound her legs and twisted around in his arms, arranging into a more comfortable position for them both without breaking their connection, “I’m feeling kind of sluggish from all that sugar you pumped into me. This is more than enough for now.”

“For now?”

She leaned her head back to meet his eyes above her. “For now.”

Hailey couldn’t remember the last time she woke up on a Monday morning with nowhere to go. It was both freeing and jarring in a way that made her feel like she was constantly forgetting something she was supposed to do. To make it feel even odder, Jay was right there with her. However, it was clear that he had developed something of a routine with his open days, whereas she felt like a fish out of water while sitting in her own apartment.

She almost took him up on it when he asked if she wanted to go to the gym with him. But the stack of blank forms that she had shoved into a folder called loudly to her from their place on the credenza, and Platt’s reminder that the whole reinstatement process could be lengthy motivated her to act sooner rather than later. As weird as she felt about a lazy Monday morning now, it would probably be five times worse in a few weeks. So she called Dr. Broder’s office to ascertain the best way to get the forms to him, unsurprised to discover that the answer was fax.

Since a fax machine was one piece of technology she and Jay had not bothered to acquire when they got their apartment, it took her most of the morning to get the paperwork where it needed to go. Then she spent a decent amount of time filling out her portion of the forms. The CPD was nothing if not thorough; they were going to have way more information about her brief hiatus from work than anyone would ever need. Voight had assured her that none of this information could be used against her, but as she painstakingly worked her way through the tedious task, she wasn’t so sure.  

Jay worked around her, showering once he returned from his workout, and then breaking out his computer to do whatever he’d been doing on there all day every day. Presumably more of his job search, but Hailey really wasn’t sure how much more there was to do there. She found herself wondering if this would have been them in an alternate timeline, if they both had office jobs with work-from-home options instead of the kind that had them pressing on no matter what: federal holidays, bad weather, global pandemics. And while it had its charms, sure, she could barely tolerate the itching beneath her skin to get up and do something. She suspected he felt the same way, but maybe not. Perhaps he had finally had his fill of the action and was ready to settle down to something more predictable. He seemed pretty comfortable with his newfound routine, although Hailey did notice he couldn’t seem to sit for too long. He was regularly popping up to get a drink, switch the laundry, find his charger.

Maybe neither of them were done just yet.

After a few moments, Jay looked up from the laptop. “Okay, so… I just got an email from Special Agent Dauser. He’s with the Chicago Division of the DEA, and he wants to meet with me tomorrow about job opportunities. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course,” Hailey said, a little surprised by how easily she could answer in that way. “As long as you promise not to make any decisions on the spot.”

“Cross my heart and hope to-” A look of panic flashed in his eyes at what he almost said, and Hailey found it quite endearing. He recovered quickly and amended his answer. “No impulsive decisions. Just a meeting.”

“All right then. I guess you’d better. That truck isn’t going to pay for itself.”

On Tuesday, she had therapy. Jay had a meeting - an interview? - that might change the course of their lives.

Hailey wasn’t worried. She wasn’t. It was the Army that had drawn him in last time, the pull of the familiar, the recollection of a time in Jay’s life when the right thing was as clear as glass too attractive for him to resist when he had been grappling for some stability. But it hadn't taken long for them both to realize that although the Army Reserve was supplying the manpower, the DEA was the one calling the shots. So even though she wasn’t worried, Hailey was uneasy about the outcome of this meeting.

But she had her own session with Steven to focus on, so she tried to put it out of her mind. She would discover exactly what was in store for Jay’s future soon enough. But her therapist could tell she was distracted. So she spent most of the hour venting about her fears - about Jay, about their future, about her job. There were an abundance of them, and Hailey was grateful that she had this safe space to air them without any fear. It made her wonder why she had waited so long to seek therapy out for herself. She had witnessed the benefits for Jay firsthand in the early years of their partnership, but she had been like an ostrich sticking her head in the sand to avoid looking at her own problems. Survival for her then had meant convincing everyone, including herself, that she was fine. It wasn’t until she met Jay that she began to feel safe enough to let that facade drop, which so often felt like both a blessing and a curse. Some days it felt like a real struggle, but she still clung to the belief that it was going to pay off in the end.

They had agreed to meet up at one of their favorite coffee shops after their respective meetings, so Hailey absentmindedly wound her Jeep through the city streets, reveling in the lightness she felt after unburdening her mind in therapy, but cautious not to get too comfortable until after she heard how Jay’s meeting went. She arrived first and efficiently placed their order - black for her, hazelnut with one sugar for him - before snagging a table in the corner. She held her cup up to her face, savoring the warmth and aroma emanating from it, taking slow, deliberate breaths to absorb as much strength that her coffee had to offer.

“You look way too excited about that drink for someone who only ever takes it black.” Her husband announced his arrival by insulting her beverage of choice before sitting across from her and taking a long swig of his own sugary monstrosity. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

“How was your session? On a scale of one to ten?” he added.

She thought for a minute before deciding on an answer. “Solid seven, maybe? It was good, productive, but no major breakthroughs. No crying.”

“That’s how you mark a good session? If you cry?” Jay shook his head at her.

“Not necessarily. But, you know, if I do happen to cry, that means something’s really hitting home. You should know this about me; I don’t just tear up for mediocre content.”

“I will remember that the next time you get emotional, and take it as a compliment,” he replied.

They took a moment then, each sipping on their drinks while they were still warm, before Hailey could hold it in no longer. “How was your meeting?” she asked quietly.

Jay paused for a beat before answering, repositioning in his chair so he was sitting straight up. “Informative. The DEA, they’re, uh, they’re interested in me.” He cleared his throat but didn’t go on, and Hailey could tell there was more.

“And…?”

He looked at her, squinting, as he searched for the way he wanted to answer. “Okay, well, it’s a little complicated when you talk about where they could actually use me. To join the Agency, I would need to jump through some hoops. It’s not impossible, technically, but it would take a lot of convincing to the people in charge. And even then, Agent Dauser said he couldn’t guarantee that they still wouldn’t require me to attend the training in Quantico. And that’s twenty weeks.”

Hailey’s sharp intake of breath was audible. He definitely noticed, and his response was to offer his hand to her across the table. When she moved her left hand to grasp his right, she noticed that both of hers were curled tightly into fists. She forced them flat and intertwined her fingers loosely with his.

Jay gave them a squeeze before continuing. “He said there’s a possibility that they could use my experience in Bolivia and my ‘advanced age’ to appeal for an exemption, but definitely not a given. He did, however, have another suggestion.”

“What?”

“Well, the only way they can guarantee that I won’t be relocated is if I join one of the local task forces. And, as you may know, those task forces are a combination of DEA agents and local officers. So, he thinks it would be a lot easier from all sides if I rehire through CPD. The Agency handpicks which officers they want, so he implied there would be a gentleman’s agreement that I would still end up working with them. Just as a police officer, and not a DEA agent.”

Hailey closed her eyes, almost but not quite ready to relax at what he was telling her. “So you would technically still be local?” 

“Yes,” he said. 

“No risk of relocation?”

“Correct.”

“But you would still get to work with the DEA?”

“Well, maybe not immediately. But probably quicker than I would if I had to spend twenty weeks learning what I already know with a bunch of kids at the Academy.”

She opened her eyes. He was smiling. “Is that what you want to do, then?”

“I think it sounds like a really good opportunity. Best of both worlds, you know, because rehiring with the police feels like the safe, responsible decision. But working with the DEA scratches that itch, you know? Making a difference on a bigger scale, potential for advancement, little to no chance of interacting with Voight.”

A huff of laughter escaped her. “It’s like all of your previous jobs got married and had a baby job just for you.”

“So you would be okay with that?”

“Jay, I told you, I would be happy with anything that keeps you here. Anything. But if it’s something that excites you and gives you fulfillment, all the better.”

He gave her hand one more good squeeze before pulling his away to down the rest of his coffee. “Okay then. I will let Agent Dauser know tomorrow. I would feel a lot better if we could get some sort of agreement on paper, but he seems like a pretty decent guy. I’m tempted to trust his word.”

“Well,” she said, picking apart her empty cup with the nervous energy she had been trying to ignore all day, now that she had no other use for it, “you are an excellent judge of character.”

Chapter Text

The next day, they had an appointment with their newly-designated couples’ counselor. Hailey’s doctor had spoken to her about the benefit of trauma-informed therapy, which was an unfamiliar term to Jay. He had to google it, and honestly, he supposed that the description should apply to most people who worked as therapists. But apparently that was not always the case. Hailey had felt that she was making good progress with her current therapist and was not eager to switch, so they decided to incorporate that aspect into their search for a couples’ counselor.

Family therapy was a highly-encouraged feature of Hailey’s ongoing care, but since their little family unit was just the two of them, her healthcare team agreed that couples’ therapy was an acceptable substitute. Combine that with the fact that their marriage had been defined from the beginning by obstacles, deflection, and secrets, they both knew that it was mandatory for them to reset their relationship on a better course. And it only made sense, considering their histories and how volatile they could be when brought together, that an expert in trauma-informed care would probably be to their benefit.

So that was where they found themselves late Wednesday afternoon. Jay was more nervous than he thought he would be, but he tried not to let it show. He knew that they needed to be here, but was a little leery about all that had to happen for Hailey and him to arrive at a better place. She had been in intensive therapy for a month and was surely more in tune with how she was feeling about everything than he was. It was an internal battle for Jay; the side of him that wanted to maintain his calm and collected facade, struggling against the side of him that wanted desperately to connect with his wife on a deeper level.

It was necessary; that he knew. But that was no guarantee that it wasn’t going to be painful. And since most, if not all, of their current troubles could be attributed to him, Jay had to give in and just accept that this process was going to be a difficult one for him.

But the first session was surprisingly tame. He supposed he should have expected that. Even the most experienced therapist would need more than the basics about them to determine everything that was wrong and how to fix it. Therefore, much of their first hour was spent gathering information. About them as individuals and as a couple. When they had met, how long they had been together (that one was always a bit tricky to answer because many of the stages of their relationship had seemed to fade subtly from one into the next). About why they had specifically sought out a counselor who focused on trauma. What their goals were.

Jay had sympathy for the therapist, a young woman with a pixie cut named Marcella who looked younger than them both, as they answered her questions. Listing the sources of his trauma had become easier over time, and he laid them out before her with an impressive objectivity: Two tours overseas. Losing a parent to cancer. Tumultuous relationship with the other. Getting abducted, beaten, shot in the line of duty. Plus all the normal stuff that came with his years on the police force.

But if his list was substantial, poor Hailey’s was nothing short of gargantuan. She was much less specific than he had been, but he was proud that she managed to at least touch on all the ones he could remember. Witnessing the robbery of her parents’ restaurant. Losing a partner she had become very close to. Being sexually assaulted during an undercover assignment. Having to face the man responsible a second time. All of her own experiences from the job. And the two that seemed to be a constant, underlying all the rest: her treatment at the hands of her father growing up, and Jay’s abandonment of her.

It hadn’t been an easy session for either of them, but getting the first one out of the way brought a sense of accomplishment. Jay drove to the coffee shop they had met at the day before, feeling like they needed a little time to come down after therapy and before returning to normal life back at the apartment. The coffee shop had been a suitable middle ground for them yesterday, so he figured they could repeat the process today.

“Nothing for me,” Hailey told him as they stood in line to order. “I’m still kind of jittery, and I don’t think caffeine is a great idea.”

“They have decaf, Hails. Or lots of other stuff, if you don’t want coffee.”

She relented and decided on a hot chocolate. Something warm and comforting that wouldn’t amp up her already frayed nerves.

“So what did you think?” she asked once they were seated at what was quickly starting to feel like their table.

“I didn’t hate it,” he said with a shrug. “Kind of hard to tell from just the intake session.”

She nodded, mindlessly twirling the unnecessary stirrer through her drink. “Do you think it’s going to help?”

Jay took a minute to take her in, trying to see if her question held any underlying meaning. But it seemed as innocuous to her as it had to him. “I hope so.” He punctuated his answer with a gentle kick to her shin beneath the table. “What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet. But I think it’s probably a step in the right direction. We won’t know until we try it, right?”

“Yep,” he agreed. “‘Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,’ and whatnot. And if it turns out to not be right for us, we can always try something else. Nothing is set in stone."

Hailey nodded, slowly sipping at her hot chocolate. “Thank you for coming with me. For, you know, being willing. I appreciate it.”

“Anything for you, Hailey. Where you go, I go, remember?”

“Right,” she answered with a smile. “That does ring a bell.”

“Good. Because I mean it.”

On Thursday, she was scheduled to meet with the psychiatrist the department chose to verify her fitness for return to duty. Trudy had been right about the Ivory Tower wanting their own doctor to give the okay for Hailey’s return to work, so she found herself in an unfamiliar office downtown answering questions asked by a psychiatrist she had never met before and hopefully never would again. And she had to internally laugh at the silliness of it all; it’s not like this man could detect anything other than what she told him. It wasn’t like Jay’s assessment after he got shot, where the doctor could measure his range of motion and assure proper healing of the scars. She understood it, from a liability standpoint, and she knew that it was of utmost importance for her to play along. Because it was all subjective, and she didn’t want to give anyone any doubt about her competency.

“And are you having these thoughts any longer?”

“No.” She cleared her throat when the word came out sounding strangled. “As I’m sure you’ve read in my doctor’s notes, he believes - and I agree - that I was experiencing a depressive episode that was exacerbated by symptoms of underlying post-traumatic stress disorder, specifically insomnia. I was cleared of suicidal ideation by my third day of treatment, before I even started the SSRI, and I haven’t experienced any since then.”

The doctor kept his eyes on his computer as he asked, “Was your PTSD brought on by your work as a police officer?”

“Dr. Stanley, you have my file in front of you, right? Then I’m sure you’re aware that I have been attacked, abducted, and assaulted in the line of duty. I got caught in an explosion. I lost a partner I was very close to during an undercover operation. Wouldn’t it be more concerning to you as a mental health professional if I came out of all of that with no residual effects?”

That actually drew a smile out of the man as he typed another line on his keyboard. “None of those events happened within the past year; do you have any idea what triggered this episode?”

“Well, I’m learning that PTSD is not exactly the most predictable disorder. My doctor also suspects some of it may have been lingering since I was a child - I witnessed gun violence when my family’s restaurant got held up when I was a kid. I was ten years old the first time I had a gun pointed at my face, after I saw them beat my father to a pulp.” She hoped that story was dramatic enough to appease the doctor’s question about childhood trauma. She really didn’t want to go into any more detail about that here. “On top of that, my team and I had recently closed a case involving sex trafficking of minors. It was long and very involved, and the offender continued to harass me, even from his prison cell. So I guess you could say I had some trouble getting over that one. But I didn’t have the tools and coping mechanisms that I have developed from my time in treatment.”

“And you are currently under a doctor’s care?”

Maybe this guy didn’t read her file. “Yes, and following all of his recommendations. Both my physician and my therapist believe that I am prepared to safely resume work at the 21st District.”

“And how will you respond if you notice a lapse in your level of function?”

Hailey sighed. She felt like she was talking to a robot. “I have spoken at length to both my commanding officer and the desk sergeant at the district. They are both aware of my situation, as well as the factors that led to it. I have agreed to inform them of any changes in my ability to perform my job safely. And I know they are going to be monitoring me closely anyway, for the time being. I will probably be under closer surveillance than the people in the holding cell. In addition, both my husband and my coworkers have been a support system to me throughout this whole situation. I feel much more confident now in my ability to ask for help, should I need it.”

Dr. Stanley typed a few more notes on his computer before printing out a sheet of paper. “Okay,” he said, handing it to her. “Sounds good. Submit this to the folks at Medical, and I believe they’ll have you reinstated in no time.”

That was it? She was sure she was going to have to jump through more hoops than that. Who knew that telling the truth (well, most of the truth) was all it was going to take?

“Thank you, sir,” Hailey called as she turned to leave. But the doctor was already absorbed in something on his computer, and just waved a hand to her in acknowledgement.

“So you guys know what this is about?” Kevin asked Kim and Adam as they made their way up to Jay and Hailey’s apartment Saturday evening. “Hailey seemed super vague about it in her text.”

“Well,” Adam said, “she said it was a welcome back thing of sorts for Jay, but she also said something about watching the White Sox. Either way, sounded off. A little too formal.”

“You think Jay’s coming back to Intelligence?” Kevin asked. “And this is how they’re telling us?”

Kim answered, “I think it’s much more likely that Hailey isn’t coming back. But I don’t think she would host a dinner just to announce that.”

“Maybe she’s pregnant,” Adam suggested. Kevin and Kim just looked at him. “What? She could be pregnant, that’s a thing that happens.”

“Jay’s only been back for four weeks, Ruze. Not impossible, but they probably wouldn’t even know yet.”

“I didn’t say it was Jay’s baby,” Adam mumbled.

Kim smacked him on the shoulder as they approached the front door. “Really, Adam? Should have left you home with Jordan and Makayla. Please don’t go around saying stuff like that inside. Whatever the reason is that they invited us here tonight, try and have a little tact before you respond, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded in his usual drawl, knocking on the door to announce their presence to their hosts.

“Hey guys, come on in,” Jay greeted them, leading them into the apartment, where Torres already stood awkwardly at their kitchen island. “Thanks for coming.”

“Are you kidding?” Kim asked. “Like I’m going to pass up an excuse for a childfree night and homemade lasagna.”

“Then you could have been on time, Burgess,” Trudy called over her shoulder from where she was seated on the couch. “Some of us don’t have little hobgoblins at home that we’re avoiding like the plague, and would subsequently like to be home at a decent hour.”

Kim rounded the couch and plopped down between Trudy and Hailey, leaving the men in the kitchen in an ironic twist of traditional norms. “I’m sorry, Sarge, was there a more formal invitation with a detailed schedule on it? Because we were going off a text that said ‘Dinner and baseball, Saturday evening.’” She turned to her other side to greet Hailey, who sat rather stiffly for someone in her own home. Kim could tell that having all of them in her apartment was putting her on edge. Something was definitely up.

It didn’t take long to discover what. Once Voight showed up - Kim conveniently pointing out to Platt that they weren’t even the latest to arrive, and she didn’t scold him in the same way she had them - and everyone was sprawled across the small apartment with plates piled high with lasagna, bread, and salad, Hailey cleared her throat and spoke for the first time since they had arrived.

“So, I’m sure that you all have figured out that this isn’t just a social gathering, considering that we’ve literally never done it before, and you’re all trained observationists, and all. But anyway… I’m not going to beat around the bush. We all know what happened last month. And I still have a lot of feelings about the whole thing, including a lot of shame. And,” she paused, looking at the ceiling and shaking out her hands, “And it is very hard for me to talk about this, but I feel like it’s put a kind of barrier between me and all of you. And, well, I’ve been cleared by my doctor to return to work, so I will be back in the District next week. And I know I need to get over that feeling if I’m ever going to be able to work with you all again.”

She hesitated, clearly still not finished but gathering the nerve to go on. Kim clocked Jay’s hand sneakily sliding up Hailey’s back and rubbing in slow circles between her shoulder blades. Another deep breath, and she continued. “So, my therapist says that sometimes it can be helpful to have a debriefing, basically, of everything that went down. He said it’s usually done with families, to help everyone have a chance to talk about it, process it. Because the tendency is to not talk about it. But he says that silence is what gives the event significance, that talking about it strips it of its power.”

“Like Voldemort,” Adam added, and Kim was all ready to glare at him until she heard the ripple of laughter cross the room, even drawing a smile out of Hailey.

“Yeah, basically,” she answered. “So, like with any debriefing, I want to explain what happened to all of you, and then give you a chance to ask questions or, I don’t know. Whatever. To talk about it. So hopefully my dumb decision won’t feel so powerful to us anymore. Is that okay with everyone?”

There were murmurs and nods, but Kim felt that Hailey really needed a verbal affirmation, so she said, “Of course, Hailey. If that’s what you want.”

Hailey nodded, steeling herself, and plowed on, eyes firmly fixed on her feet. “So, on August 7, you all probably recall that I had a pretty bad day at work. Made some bad decisions. What you may not know is that I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping in the few weeks leading up to that, and I was running on absolute fumes. I was so exhausted that I don’t remember a lot of the details about that night. I can tell you that I didn’t go home with a plan to do anything, so it wasn’t like I was giving off signals that you missed. But all of my normal comforts and coping strategies were falling short, and I felt desperate, and I just wanted to sleep, and my gun was right there - I felt like it was calling to me - so… I made a decision, then. I even called Jay,” her voice hitched when she said her husband’s name, “to tell him goodbye, but he couldn’t answer, so that just made it easier to justify my choice. But I couldn’t go through with it. I’m not even exactly sure why, but once I realized that it wasn’t going to happen, I was scared enough by myself to recognize that I needed help. So I called Dante, and he called Sarge, and they got me to a hospital."

There was another pause as Hailey took a moment to gather herself. “So, yeah,” she went on. “I’ve been under a doctor's care ever since, and am obviously in a much better space. Well enough that I’m set to come back to work part time. But, I understand that all of you may have some feelings about that, or concerns. And I’d rather go ahead and get everything out in the open. Clear the air so hopefully we can all just focus on work when I come back.”

There was a brief moment of awkward silence while they all took in Hailey’s request.

Then Trudy spoke up. “Okay, I’ll say something. You say you don’t know what it was that stopped you that night, but I like to think your subconscious was well aware how utterly pissed I would be with you if you went out that way, and you decided you would rather take your chances with this version of me than the one that would haunt you in the afterlife. Because everyone sitting in this room knows that this job comes with risk; we’ve all experienced that loss. A lot of it is out of our control, but preventable casualties are especially tragic. And, make no mistake, if I had to add you to that list, I would have been angry about it. But I didn’t, and I don’t want to waste my time thinking about how I might feel if the outcome was different. Despite what you all may think, I can’t be upset with you for having feelings. I don’t run a district full of robots. So there’s no anger. There’s no doubt, no animosity. Just pride. And I resent you for making me get sappy, but I, for one, am very proud of you, Hailey Upton. I’m glad you’re on my team, and that feeling overrides any confusion I may have about how you responded to one bad day.”

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed, “Sarge pretty much hit the nail on the head. I mean, we were all pretty torn up when we heard. There was a lot of feelings, but if you’re looking for someone to sit here and tell you how angry they are, I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

“We love you, Hailey,” Kim added. “And I think we’ve all been there, in one way or another. Personally, I have multiple examples where I’m not sure how I would have coped if I didn’t have this big lug constantly sticking his nose in my business.” She gave Adam a playful nudge with her shoulder. “No judgment from me. I’m just glad to know that you’re doing better.”

Adam added, an impish grin appearing from the corner of his mouth, “And now we all know not to believe you when you tell us you’re doing okay. So I hope you’re prepared to deal with the consequences of that.”

“Oh, we don’t use that word anymore,” Jay piped up.

“What word?” Torres asked. 

“‘Okay.’ It’s too loaded. What you have to do instead is ask her how she is on a scale of one to ten.”

“I’m really going to regret telling you that, aren’t I?” Hailey asked her husband.

“Probably, but that’s why we’re here, right? Getting everyone on the same page.”

“I’m not sure I want Ruze on that page with us.”

“Hey!” Adam exclaimed.

“Speaking of which… what exactly are you planning to do for work, Jay?” Kevin asked. “Can we expect to see you across from your beautiful wife anytime soon?”

Jay turned to look at Hailey, the two of them clearly doing that annoying thing where they had entire conversations with just their eyes. Finally, Jay shrugged and said, “Well… we’re still in the early phases, but it’s looking like I’m going to rejoin, but not for Intelligence. The DEA says they have a spot for me on the local task force.”

“So you’re going to be with the Feds?” Adam asked.

“Yep. There was talk of me joining the Agency, but that’s a long and cumbersome process. This should be easier and get basically the same outcome.”

“Good for you, man,” Kevin congratulated him.

“So does that mean you’re sticking around?” Torres asked.

“Yes, for sure. That was my primary stipulation. I was crazy to leave Hailey once. No way I could do it again.”

“You know what that means, right?” Kim asked. “This can become a regular thing. We used to go to Molly’s and get wasted. Now we can have dinner parties and watch the game together. Lots of bonding away from the District.”

“I cannot imagine a single thing I would want to do less,” Trudy added. “If you youngins are up to it, knock yourselves out, but I’m not going to spend the few years I have left on this earth watching the Sox.”

“Okay, I feel like we’ve gotten a little off track,” Hailey said. “No one else has anything they want to share? Sarge, you’ve been pretty quiet.”

Voight shrugged from his place in the kitchen. “You and I have already talked about this. I’m just here to watch baseball.”

And so they did. Adam had already demolished his dinner, so he got the TV set up while the rest of them finished up. The atmosphere was much lighter now that the clandestine purpose for the get-together had been made known. Kim kept one eye on Hailey once they settled in to watch the game. She wasn’t as tense as she had been when they first arrived, but she was still giving off signs of being uncomfortable. Kim hoped this casual time together with the squad would do what her reverse-intervention hadn’t, and that she would grow more relaxed as the night went on.

True to her word, Platt was out before the first pitch. Voight made it two innings, his dedication to the White Sox succumbing to his discomfort in socializing with his officers. And it was more comfortable for the rest of them, once their superiors were gone. Kim had no doubt that they all held their sergeants in highest regard, but that meant that they couldn’t really let their hair down until the older officers had left.

As the evening wore on, it became evident that the real beneficiaries of this event were the men. Adam, Kevin, and Jay had been coworkers for a long time, and they had forged an unlikely bond, perhaps due to nothing more than their proximity. Adam and Kev had for sure felt Jay’s absence, as had Dante, who had his own complicated relationship with the man. Even when they were all on good terms, the chance for a relaxing night together was rare, so she knew they were all relishing the opportunity. And for her part, Hailey did appear to be less on edge, though she still wasn’t saying much. But she seemed perfectly content to be there with them, albeit permanently stuck to Jay’s side.

“I do have one more question,” Adam spoke up during a commercial break. “If you didn’t answer your phone when Hailey called you that night, how come you knew what was going on? You kind of showed up out of nowhere before any of us knew anything was wrong.”

“Well, you see, Ruze, most cell phones come with this really nifty feature called voicemail. Once I was back from outside the wire, I listened to it.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Jay said. “It means I was off base, basically. Outside of any secure cell connection. We were heavily discouraged from connecting to civilian cell service because it was a security risk. So I usually didn’t even have my personal phone on me when I was outside the wire.”

The turn in conversation had drawn Hailey’s attention, but she settled back into the couch when Adam was satisfied by Jay’s answer. That was enough drama for the night, and the rest of their gathering passed smoothly, unless you counted everyone’s disappointment when the Sox came away with a loss. At the very least, Kim was convinced that the dinner party had served its purpose: that it had gotten the initial discomfort out of the way, so Hailey could pick up right where she left off at work without any underlying uncertainty. She only hoped, as they left the apartment once more, that Hailey had detected the same level of assurance from her coworkers. No doubt it was going to be an adjustment, but they were going to be with her every step of the way. And Kim swore to herself that this time around, there would be no confusion about that. She was going to make sure Hailey felt their support and encouragement, probably to the point that it would annoy her.

Oh, well, Kim shrugged to herself. That was a risk you had to take for a friend sometimes. Love them so much it hurt. If Adam’s overbearing tactics hadn’t driven her away from him (quite the contrary, actually), she figured Hailey could tolerate it from them, too. And it looked like she wouldn’t have to wait long to put it into practice. Hailey was coming back to work in just a few days. The district had felt quiet and strangely somber in her absence; Kim was excited for her friend to return. 

And she wasn’t alone. “About frickin’ time,” Adam muttered. “Too bad we didn’t bet on it, Kim, you would have owed me twenty bucks.”

But she just smiled in return. For once, Kim was perfectly fine with being wrong about something. She let Adam have this one, running his mouth about who knows what as they made their way through the dark city streets back home to their daughter.

Chapter Text

Jay was so happy that they had gotten that over with.

When Hailey had mentioned hosting a dinner as a way to break the ice with the team, he hadn’t exactly been thrilled by the prospect. Work-life balance wasn’t really a strength of any of them, but he had always considered his living space to be exactly that: his space (well, theirs, now). But he knew it was important to Hailey, and technically none of them were his coworkers anymore, so a casual dinner among friends was not a hill he was going to die on. But once she had made the decision and sent out the invitation group text, it had been a source of considerable stress for her, anyway.

She had been quiet all night, saying very little to any of them aside from the brief summary of events that he knew she had been rehearsing in her head. But he had seen glimpses of his Hailey throughout the night, in the way she rolled her eyes at Platt and poked fun at Adam. But when the conversation had unexpectedly turned towards him, Jay understood her silence completely. Because he had been caught off guard, and he wasn’t sure how much to share at this point, anyway. Especially when Adam, apropos of nothing, had displayed his characteristic brashness and asked him why it was that Jay hadn’t answered Hailey’s call that night.

A question that Hailey herself still hadn’t asked him, even after all this time. Even after everything they had laid bare before one another. Even after Adam had laid the first stone for her.

She was still unnervingly quiet the next morning, and Jay wasn’t really sure what to do with that. It was easy to see in hindsight how she had been becoming more like her old self over the past month, but receiving an official clearance from Medical and a return date from Platt seemed to knock her back a few steps, the opposite effect of what he would have guessed. He was trying not to worry about that, remembering excerpts he had read about healing not being linear, and ups and downs being a normal part of recovery. More than most, Jay understood how intimidating it could be to feel like the job was overtaking everything else that made up one’s identity. And unlike him, Hailey was brave enough to step right back into the lion’s den that had worn her down in the first place. She was stronger this time, more equipped, better supported. But it was still the same battle. Honestly, it would be more concerning if she wasn’t nervous. Jay just hoped that they both had the fortitude to deal with it this time around.

So he didn’t push her, let her wade through her own thoughts in peace, trusting that she would share if and when she was ready. But Jay couldn’t quite shake the memory of the way she had frozen beside him when Ruzek brought it up last night. And he had had his reasons, for strategically avoiding that part of the story in the past. But only a few days ago she implored him to pay more attention to his own triggers, and maybe keeping this part to himself was making it harder for him to adjust back to civilian life. He was ready to tell her, now, but her reaction last night made him think that maybe she wasn’t ready to hear it.

“Do you want to know?” he asked quietly while he swept the kitchen floor after lunch. “About where I was that night?”

Hailey was sitting at the counter, pen in hand, making a list of everything she had to do before showing up to work on Monday. And if she was caught off guard by his question, she certainly didn’t show it. In fact, she didn’t even look up from her notepad when she responded, “You know, I have wondered. But now I just don’t know if there’s a point. I’m not sure there’s any answer that will make me feel better.”

Jay nodded, not that she was looking at him to notice it anyway. But when he turned back to her after emptying the dustpan, she was staring straight at him. Straight through him. “Would it make you feel better?” she asked, twisting the pen between her fingers, to-do list forgotten on the counter.

“I think maybe it would. But,” he hesitated, washing his hands to buy him some time, “I’m not sure it’s fair to ask you to listen if you don’t want to hear it.”

Hailey held her hand out to him across the counter. “I never said I didn’t want to. Just that… I don’t know, I’ve just let that part go. I always understood why you weren’t available 24/7, even if I didn’t like it, so I’m not holding that against you. But if you want to tell me, I’ll be glad to listen.” She patted the stool next to her.

He rounded the counter to join her, stretching both their arms to avoid letting go of her hand. But once he was seated next to his wife, Jay found himself at a loss as to where to start. The events of that particular night were really the culmination of a long story, and he wasn’t sure just how far back to go. How much he needed to confess to get this weight well and truly off of his chest.

“Hey, don’t overthink it,” Hailey said, the warmth from her hand now transferred from his clammy palm to his upper back, rubbing gentle circles between his shoulder blades. Just like he had done for her the night before. “Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as the lines in your forehead are making it seem.”

“It’s bad, Hailey.” He met her eyes then, silently pleading for her to give him the absolution that probably wasn’t even hers to give.

“I can take it, Jay. And I’ll love you just the same, no matter what. You’ve been a sounding board for plenty of my dilemmas, and I can do the same for you. Equal partnership, remember? Don’t make me accuse you of being a misogynist again.”

And that drew a chuckle out of him, the anxiety around his chest instantly loosening as a result. “Right, because that’s the only reason I would want to avoid telling you. To protect your precious and frail feminine constitution.”

She shrugged, her eyes still narrowed in admiration. “How can I know, unless you tell me?”

“Hailey… I didn’t have my phone on me when you called because I was outside the wire. I was at the hospital. Remember when I told you how we were getting close to nailing our targets when I decided I was ready to end my contract?” 

She nodded.

“Well, that was only part of the truth. Because the Santa Cruz cartel knew just as well as we did that we were getting close to them. So they stepped up their game, too. Got desperate. And sloppy. And some of my guys - three of them - got hit by one of their bombs from a drone. They all were pretty messed up, but Sloan and Martinez pulled through with relatively minor injuries. Well enough to get them back on US soil. But Rearden… his injuries were extensive. But the medics got him patched up. Resuscitated him twice, I think. But even after they stabilized him, he never woke up.”

Jay cleared his throat, making sure his voice was steady before he went on. “That day, the day they were hit, was the day that I knew I was done. Because I know I wasn’t the best squad leader, but we had made some progress, and I had kept my guys safe. But these kids… because that’s what they were, Hailey, just kids. I’ve never felt my age so much as I did when I realized that my entire squad was barely old enough to drink. When I reenlisted, I didn’t give two seconds’ thought as to how it would feel going back as the old guy, but I was fine until this happened. I was no stranger to being the responsible one of a group anyway, you know? But once they got hurt, I just couldn’t help but to think of them as kids. With their whole life ahead of them. And now it may not ever be the same. They might not even have a future, because of me.”

“Jay, you can’t play that game,” she insisted. “It’s also entirely possible that it would have happened months sooner if you weren’t there.”

“I know,” he answered. “I do. But, it’s hard to explain, but that was the moment that I realized running away hadn’t been any kind of solution at all. I had been able, for a while, to delude myself into thinking it was different from Afghanistan, but it wasn’t. People were still getting hurt. People were still dying. And trying to convince myself I had any control over it just made it a harder pill to swallow in the end.”

“Anyway,” he continued after a beat, “I had to go into town to the hospital that night. Since he was at a civilian hospital, the Army was requiring all communication with Rearden’s family to go through us first. So I had to have a lengthy discussion through an interpreter about this kid’s prognosis. Whether his family wanted to withdraw life support, or arrange to have him transported back home in a vegetative state. That alone was like a knife to the gut. But then, once I got back on base, I had to call his mother and repeat it all back to her. Not even his wife. His mother. So, I saw that I had a voicemail from you, but I knew that I would be lousy company if I called you with that dread hanging over me. And, you know, I figured hearing your voice would be nice after making such a difficult phone call. So I called her first. And of course, that turned into a long conversation, and it was late by the time I was done. So I listened to your voicemail before calling you back, because you know sometimes you would tell me you were going to bed and we could talk tomorrow, or whatever. I didn’t want to wake you if that was the case. But, then… it wasn’t.” 

The motions from Hailey’s hand had stopped, and now it rested heavy just below the nape of his neck. He knew she meant it to be comforting, and it had been, but suddenly it felt like a brick holding him down. Jay shifted, getting to his feet to give himself a little space. “So I panicked. I didn’t even listen to the whole thing before trying to call you back right away. But when Voight answered… it was only a second, but Hailey - the horrors that went through my head before he told me you were okay - all my grief and self-loathing about my team disappeared. I couldn’t think of anything else except seeing you, talking to you, telling you how much I loved you and how sorry I was. So I threw my stuff in a bag and I left. I called Agent McMahon on the way to tell him I was done, that they were going to have to figure something out for the next few weeks. Ironically, I think the main reason he didn’t put up a bigger fight was because of the accident. The squad was in a holding pattern anyway, since we were down three men. So I googled the fastest way to get to Chicago, which involved a questionable overnight flight to Ecuador, but that was better than sitting around and waiting. Worrying. Listening to your voicemail over and over again trying to figure out how I had missed that you were so unhappy.”

“You didn’t delete it?”

“Of course not. It was my only link to you for that entire journey,” Jay explained. “It calmed me down, hearing your voice. So I could remind myself that you were all right. Give myself something to focus on.”

Now it was her turn to look uncertain. “Do you still have it?”

“Yeah,” he admitted with a long sigh.

“Why?”

He stopped his pacing, returning to the counter and leaning down on his elbows beside her. “As a reminder, I guess. I haven’t listened to it since I got home, but if we ever need to remember how much progress we’ve made, that’s a good marker.”

She quickly responded, “I don’t need that as a reminder. I remember plenty well, even stuff I would rather forget. I wish you would delete it.”

That caught Jay off guard. He had no idea why, but he didn’t want to do that. “I’ll think about it,” he finally said. “Either way, it’s not hurting anything if we don’t ever listen to it.”

With that, she stood abruptly and started haphazardly pulling her hair into a ponytail. “I’m going to go for a run.” She headed to their bedroom and began pulling out her workout gear.

“What? Hailey, don’t do that. We were in the middle of a conversation.”

“I know, Jay. I know. But I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin, and all I want to do is scratch it all over and I know how you hate it when I do that, so this feels like the next best option.”

He leaned against their dresser and sighed. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”

She paused, her leggings halfway on, and sent him a glare. “No, that’s not it. I’m glad you did; I’m glad I know more about where your head was then, where it is now. It affected me, Jay, to hear about things that hurt you. But not in an unbearable way, and I’m doing what I need to deal with it. Doesn’t mean I regret it. I don’t want you to, either.”

“So, is this about the voicemail? I’ll delete it, Hails, if it bothers you that much.”

She huffed from the floor where she was pulling on her sneakers. “It does bother me, Jay. But I don’t know why. There’s probably a reason that we can explore in therapy next week. But I’m not ready to do that now, and I don’t want you to feel like my anxiety is your responsibility. So I’m going to work it out with a run.”

“Are you sure that’s the best idea? You haven’t actually been running in a while, right? And you are pretty amped up. I would hate for you to overdo it before your first day back to work.”

“You’re right,” she said, surprising Jay with her agreement. “Why don’t you come with me?”

“I… uh… yeah, okay. Give me a minute to change?”

“Sure,” she said. “I should probably stretch anyway.”

She felt like an idiot.

She had been so determined to convince Jay that she could handle it, that her emotions were secure enough to be supportive to his own.

And Hailey had been right, for the most part. As harrowing as it was, she sat and listened to him unload his guilt and frustration over the uglier parts of his Bolivian experience with empathy and concern. She could handle hearing about how his men’s injuries affected him. But when the conversation turned to her own role in Jay’s return, how her actions had impacted his state of mind, she lost it.

Her response didn’t upset her as much as her complete lack of understanding why it had drawn that reaction out of her. Her voicemail to him that night wasn’t a secret. And so much of her self work lately had involved removing the shame from her behaviors that night. Why had the measly little voicemail managed to slip through the cracks?

As she ran, cheeks warm in the late afternoon sun, Jay keeping a steady pace two steps behind her, it became clear to her, little by little: because it was evidence. It was proof, the kind that could be admissible in court, to her state of mind that night. She could twist her own thoughts, the response of those around her, what she was really trying to do when she loaded her system with medication and alcohol… there was plausible deniability in so much of it. But not in the voicemail.

But why did that bother her? Hailey had never exactly shied away from admitting what her intentions had been that night. Her entire hospitalization and treatment since then had revolved around the understanding that she had planned to hurt herself. And why did Jay insist on keeping the voicemail? She would admit that she had a few from him over the years stored away in her phone, but they were all positive. Ones that reminded her how much he loved her. How much she loved him. How he had always been there for her, even long before they started dating. Her mind had a tendency to obsess over negative interactions anyway; she definitely didn’t need audio reminders of situations she would rather not relive.

Her legs were getting fatigued, and sweat was gathering in uncomfortable places, even despite the cool weather. As she slowed into a walking pace, she told herself to let it go with each desperate breath that escaped her, her muscles craving the oxygen with the same fervor that her brain was trying to shove the useless frustration out. Jay slowed down with her, but she noticed that he didn’t seem as sweaty or short of breath as she did. Show off.

They were still about a half-mile from their apartment, by her estimation, so they had a good bit of space to fill on their return. To his credit, Jay gave her plenty of time before he asked, “Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now?”

“Out of shape,” she answered immediately. “But that’s not what you meant, is it?”

“No, not exactly,” he said with a half-smile.

“I’m all right, Jay. Really. For some reason, being reminded of that voicemail just pushed one of my buttons. But that’s not on you, and I do feel much calmer now than I did. I’m sure I’ll feel a lot better once I get my first day back to work under my belt. What about you? How are you feeling?”

“Excited. For you. Still a little guilty, for me. Just about everything involving what I told you today. I should have realized how hard it would be for you to talk about that night. I think it makes perfect sense for you to react that way when you’re unexpectedly reminded of it. I’m sorry for putting more on you than I should have.”

She shook her head. “Nope. Don’t feed that one, Jay, it’s not true. Sometimes important conversations are a little uncomfortable. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have them.”

“Right.”

They walked in silence the rest of the way home, the city sounds more than enough to serve as background noise to the thoughts they were each surely working through in their heads. Once they stepped through the front door, Hailey asked, “What happened to him? Rearden. Did his mother get him back home?”

Jay toed off his shoes, a habit of his that never failed to surprise her because it seemed so contrary to his normal meticulous ways. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I asked about it when I was in El Paso, but they said they weren’t sure.”

So this story really had no resolution for him. No matter which decision the young man’s mother had made, there would be a finality to it. But not knowing which one meant this case was never going to be closed in her husband’s mind. She stepped closer to him, sweaty clothes be damned, and wrapped her arms around his middle. He winced at the contact, for just a fraction of a second, but then it was almost reflexive the way that he responded, drawing her shoulders to his chest and joining them as a unit. Her head rested on his chest, near enough to hear that his heart was still racing despite their prolonged cool down.

“I love you, you know,” he murmured into her hair.

“I always had a suspicion,” she said, turning her face to him and giving him a gentle kiss. “I love you, too, Jay. No matter what. We’re good, okay?”

“I know,” he said. “We’re always going to be good.”

That earned him a smile, and then a pinch to his side when he wouldn’t let go of her. “Come on, Halstead, I’m disgusting. Let me shower. You can come if you want. But then I was thinking of ordering something greasy for dinner to settle my nerves.”

“I will forever be in awe of your digestive system,” he said. “Shower sounds nice, but you can do whatever you want for dinner. I’m not really hungry.”

That caught her attention. It was no surprise that he didn’t necessarily agree with her craving, but to not fight her on it at all, or offer an alternative suggestion, was out of character for him. Maybe he was still bothered by the events of the afternoon. Or maybe there had been more he needed to say, but she cut him off with her own need to dispel some energy. Either way, Jay was not acting quite like himself, and she chastised herself for not paying more attention to his needs. She promised to keep a closer eye on him from now on. Hailey had heard enough stories about his difficulties in coming back to the States the first time that she was determined not to let history repeat itself. It was different this time, after all. He had her.

Hailey was not surprised to find herself awake in the middle of the night. With all the excitement about returning to the district, she knew sleep was going to be patchy at best tonight. What did surprise her, though, once she entered a high enough level of awareness to take in her surroundings, was that the spot beside her in the bed was empty. She groaned, grappling for the bedside light. The sheets were cool, dry, and unrumpled. If he had suffered another nightmare, it must have been the kind that kept him stuck inside his head. As her eyes adjusted to the brightness, she could make out a faint blue light peeking through under the bedroom door.

“Shoot, did I wake you up?” Jay said, voice gravelly, from his perch on the couch. The TV was playing noiselessly across from him.

“Nice to see you, too,” she answered, plopping down beside him. “I didn’t hear you, if that’s what you mean. I think I just woke up on my own. Did you have a nightmare?”

Jake shook his head. “Couldn’t sleep. My stomach’s a little upset. I was really hoping not to wake you, so I thought I’d ride it out on the couch.”

“Did you throw up?”

“Not yet.”

“There’s that infamous Halstead optimism.” She put her hand out to rest on his forehead. “You’re a little warm, and you didn’t eat any dinner. How long have you felt bad?”

He shrugged.

“Jay…”

“I don’t know. My stomach’s been hurting on and off since yesterday.”

Hailey frowned. “That doesn’t really sound like a normal stomach bug. Anything else bothering you?”

“Uh-uh. Just hurts. It got worse after we went running.”

She got up and disappeared in the bedroom, returning moments later with a thermometer and her phone. She jabbed the former into his mouth, and used the latter to look up the symptoms Jay was reporting.

“The good news is, according to Google, you could have anything from basic gastroenteritis to colon cancer to West Nile Virus. This was super helpful.” She shut off her phone with a sigh of frustration. She took the thermometer from him once it started beeping. “100.3°. Not terrible, but definitely not nothing. But if it’s enough to keep you from sleeping, Jay, I think you need to get this checked out.”

“Okay,” he agreed, and if his lack of a fight on seeking medical treatment wasn’t enough to convince her that he was actually feeling pretty poorly, the wince he tried but couldn’t quite hide would have done the trick. “I’ll go first thing in the morning.”

Hailey thought about that, not giving him an immediate response.

“What?” Jay asked, repositioning in an attempt to ease the discomfort.

“I think maybe we should go now, Jay. To Med. And not wait until morning.”

“It’s not that serious. And you have to work tomorrow.”

“You don’t know,” she countered. “What if it is West Nile Virus? Who knows what you were exposed to in South America? But even if it isn’t, they can check you and get you something for pain and figure out what’s wrong more quickly.”

The fact that he didn’t argue at the very mention of Med gave her hope that he was at least considering her offer. So she brought out the big guns, the suggestion that she knew would push him over the edge. “Maybe we should call Will.”

“No, don’t do that,” he protested. “It’s the middle of the night there.”

“It’s the middle of the night here,” she pointed out. “And you and I both know what his response would be. So why don’t we cut out the middleman and just go in on our own? Then we can talk to him later about how brave and responsible you were. Think about how proud he’ll be if you do this without his influence.”

Jay held his hand up to her, clearly having had enough of her coercion tactics. “Yes, fine, whatever. Can we please just stop talking about it?”

“Okay,” Hailey said, relieved that he gave in relatively easily. The fact that he had automatically increased her concern, and she wouldn’t be able to rest until he was examined. “I’m going to change and brush my teeth real quick, then I’ll bring the Jeep around. You okay to make it to the car, or should I call an ambo?”

He managed to offer her a scowl, apparent even through his mask of discomfort. “If you do, we’re going to need to up our couples’ therapy to twice a week.”

His ability to insert a sarcastic remark into the most serious of occasions was one of his most perplexing and admirable traits, and Hailey was grateful for it as it took just the slightest edge off of her worry for him. If he was well enough to joke with her, then it probably wasn’t as serious as West Nile Virus. She hoped.

Either way, they were going to get it figured out. As she drove, she kept one reassuring hand on him as much as was safe, and she only had to commit a few traffic violations to get him to Med in record time. Seeing him in pain was one of her least favorite things, and they had been wading through a lot of it lately. If a couple hours in an emergency department could get him some relief of the physical variety, then that was one of the easiest decisions they had made this year. Hailey gave him an encouraging smile once they arrived, hoping that her presence would make it a bit easier for him to walk into a building he despised. And she couldn’t really tell if it helped or not, but he didn’t resist when she took his hand and led him through the automatic doors.

Chapter Text

So, it turned out, if you came in with something other than a gunshot wound or injuries from a car wreck, attack, or explosion, you actually had to wait to be seen at the emergency room.

It probably didn’t help that his brother didn’t work there anymore, either. And since they were there in a civilian capacity, and Hailey had no badge to flash at the triage nurse, they were directed to wait in the lobby. Fortunately, the early morning hour and the quality of Jay’s symptoms meant they didn’t have to wait long. Hailey was thankful for that, because it was clear by the time they were placed in a room that Jay was in a significant amount of pain. She wasn’t sure if it had actually intensified in that short time, or if he just no longer felt the need to conceal it once he had relented to the hospital visit. He didn’t complain once as the nurse got him hooked up to some monitors and an IV drip, even consenting to change into a hospital gown without a fuss.

“I can’t believe this,” Jay muttered, once the nurse had finished up her tasks and left them alone. “I didn’t even get shot this time.” The pain meds she had given him were starting to take effect, and it seemed that his fatigue was overwhelming him as he got as comfortable as possible on the gurney.

“I know,” Hailey murmured, combing her fingers through his hair to keep it off of his pale face. “I know it’s hard for you to acknowledge, but you’re not invincible, my love. Sometimes the human body just gets sick all on its own.”

The drugs they had given him did their job, and Jay did manage to drop off, just in time to be whisked off for a CT scan. They both tried to rest once he returned while they waited for the results, but Hailey remembered all too well how difficult it could be to sleep in an environment like this. Finally, just before daybreak, the doctor returned to deliver his verdict: Jay had appendicitis and would need surgery to have it removed.

“Surgery?” he asked, the distress over the idea written all over his exhausted face. 

“Minimally invasive surgery,” the doctor answered. “As long as it doesn’t burst between now and then, we should be able to remove it laparoscopically. That means a much smaller scar and shorter recovery time.”

“And there’s no other way to treat it?” Hailey asked, more to convince Jay of its necessity than out of her own curiosity. 

“Sometimes the infection will go away with antibiotics, but oftentimes there is a recurrence that eventually requires surgery anyway. But the dangers associated with a ruptured appendix are very serious, and since the procedure is very low risk, surgery to remove the appendix is still considered the standard of care.”

“So,” Jay summarized, “it’s either take it out now, or treat it and hope it doesn’t rupture and then maybe still take it out six months from now anyway?”

“Basically, yes,” the doctor agreed. “And truthfully, the hospital stay would likely be shorter for the surgical option.”

He sighed, looking at Hailey with weary eyes. “What do you think we should do?”

“I’m not the one with the infected organ, Jay. It’s up to you to decide, but I do think it makes the most sense for you to go ahead and get your angry appendix out of you, though. I don’t think either of us wants to repeat a night like this one, and it will be a lot more dangerous if it does rupture. I wouldn’t want you to risk your health or a longer recovery. Plus, this is probably as convenient a time as we’ll have for you to be out of commission for a few weeks.”

“But you’re supposed to go back to work.”

“And I will,” she explained. “When you’re better. They’ve survived without me this long, a few more days won’t matter.”

An exasperated grunt accompanied by a nod served as his consent to the doctor. Once he left, Hailey pulled out her phone.

“Jay, I’m just going to step out and call Voight. And then, if it’s okay with you, can I call Will? He’d want to know what’s going on, and I think you would feel better talking to him, too.”

Hailey stepped outside his room, noticing more nurses bustling about as they worked to change shifts. She recognized a few of the day-shifters that had come in, giving them a half-hearted wave from across the hall.

“Voight.”

She was either so distracted or so sleepy that his voice startled her, even though she had been the one to make the call.

“Sergeant. Hi, listen.” She took a breath, trying to calm her racing thoughts enough to form a coherent sentence.

“Everything okay, Hailey?”

“Yes,” she answered, almost too rapidly, then she had to backpedal. “Well, not really. I’m fine, nothing like that. But Jay is sick. His appendix. We’ve been at Med all morning, and now he has to have surgery. So… how much of an inconvenience is it going to be to push my start date back a few days?” She squeezed her eyes shut, as if that would block any disappointment her CO might convey through the phone.

“Halstead okay?”

“He’s doing better, now that they got some pain medicine in him. He was pretty uncomfortable there for a while. They say the surgery isn’t that invasive, but he still isn’t thrilled at the idea. I’m going to try to call his brother once I hang up with you. I hate to do this after everything you’ve done for me; I feel super flaky. But I-”

“I don’t want to hear any of that, Hailey. Your husband’s in the hospital, that’s where you need to be.” She knew it would be fine. It still did her nerves so much good to hear it verified from her boss’s mouth. “Your desk will still be here next week. Keep us posted on him?”

“Copy you, Sarge. Thanks.”

“Just when I thought I had finally rid my ED of Halsteads for good!”

Jay opened his eyes to see Maggie standing at the foot of his makeshift bed. “Hi to you, too, Maggie.” He moved to sit up straighter, but the medication was wearing off, and his abdomen did not appreciate the attempt.

“When they told me you had come in for anything short of a GSW, I had to come see for myself.”

“Nope,” Jay said. “Just my appendix that tried to kill me this time instead of a criminal.”

“Well, between you and me, your appendix just might be more dangerous. Especially considering your luck with coming out relatively unscathed from on-the-job injuries. Did Dr. Halstead have to convince you to come in?”

Hailey answered that for him. “No, but his wife did have to get a little persuasive. But we called him once they told us the diagnosis, and he kind of walked us through everything. What to expect.”

Maggie nodded. “All right. It looks like they have a bed for you upstairs, so you won’t be with us too much longer, but I’ll be sure to come up and pester you once the anesthesia wears off.”

“Do you know when they’ll take me for surgery?”

“Probably early afternoon. Since your brother isn’t here to bully the surgeon into prioritizing you, you’ll have to wait your turn, just like the rest of the peasants.” Maggie gave him a wink. “But really, that’s good. Means you’re not emergent. So just try and get some rest in the meantime. And the next time you speak to that arrogant brother of yours, tell him that I miss him.”

Hailey was about to jump out of her skin.

Instead, she paced. She tried to look at a magazine while her leg jumped up and down as if it had a mind of its own. She tried to get invested in the real estate woes of the couple who was trying to find their dream home on the TV in the corner. She took a moment to appreciate that she was aware enough of her tendencies to at least attempt to divert them into something harmless. Maybe, she thought wryly, those meds of hers were finally working.

Jay had been back in surgery for half an hour. Will had explained that he would probably spend more time in preop and recovery than on the actual operating table; that the operation really was about as low-risk as a surgery could be, all things considered. That didn’t make it any easier for Hailey to pass the time until she received word that he had made it through okay. So she fidgeted. She was probably making the other patrons in the waiting room nervous, but that was their problem now. And she couldn’t help but recall the last time she had to pass interminable hours in a hospital waiting room just to confirm that he was all right.

She hadn’t been nearly as jumpy, then. Maybe because she was still in the habit of suppressing everything that even resembled an emotion back then. Or maybe because she wasn’t alone; there were always cops constantly rotating in and out after an officer-involved shooting. What Hailey wouldn’t give for a little of that distraction right now. 

Then, unbidden, her mind went to another woman who had had to pass hours alone in a frightening hospital setting. Her mother had texted her, that day, to let her know what was happening with her father. To reach out to her only daughter. To ask, without actually saying the words, for someone to ride the wave of uncertainty with her, at least until it crashed onto the shore. It had been her father that Hailey was angry at when she sought every excuse under the sun to avoid visiting them, but now, sitting alone in a desolate waiting room, she was hit with an immense guilt at the realization that her mother was the one whom she had punished for it.

Before she could second guess herself, Hailey pulled out her phone and opened the text chain between her brothers, her mother, and herself. She had to scroll down quite a ways, because it hadn’t been touched since before Easter, when her mother had sent them all the information about their dinner plans. She felt a swooping in her gut that she couldn’t identify and didn’t want to understand. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to attempt normal family dynamics. But… not telling them would seem secretive, intentionally evasive. If she was going to try opening that door again, something as big and serious as emergency surgery maybe was the best place to start. So, without giving it any deeper thought, Hailey typed out a few sentences explaining what was going on. She was trembling slightly as she tucked her phone back into her pocket, but she told herself that it was just from the air conditioning that was blasting through the waiting room.

“I swear, I’m going to have to put a tracker on you, Upton! Do you know how hard it was to find you?”

Hailey stood upon hearing the voice ringing throughout the whole room. “Trudy! What are you doing here?”

“Trying to figure out exactly why you keep using medical emergencies to avoid coming to work. I tell you what, you and your husband are giving Ruzek and Burgess a run for their money in being the most dramatic couple I have ever met. You heard anything yet?”

Hailey shook her head, sighing heavily, and dropping back into her seat. The mental stamina it had taken to send that single text seemed to have taken all the fight out of her in one fell swoop. And now Platt was here, and she had no energy left to keep up the act that Trudy was trying so hard to put on.

“Voight send you?”

“No,” Trudy sat down beside her, “I make my own decisions. But neither one of us thought it was a great idea for you to be here alone right now.”

“I’m fine, Trudy.”

“I know. That still doesn’t mean that you should have to be here by yourself.”

Hailey just nodded, and when Trudy put her arm around her, she didn’t hesitate to lean into her side. “Will said it might take a while. The surgery isn’t complicated, but they still have to monitor him as he comes out of anesthesia and all.”

“Makes sense,” Trudy said. And they didn’t say anything else, but Hailey found it a lot easier to follow the story of the House Hunters on the TV across from her now, and she immersed herself in that world until the surgeon came out a little later to tell her that all had gone well.

When they rolled Jay into his room an hour later, he was still pretty out of it. Paler than usual against the starkly white hospital linens, he easily could have been mistaken for just sleeping. But the cannula wrapped around his ears and into his nose was a telltale marker that this was no normal slumber he was experiencing. He showed no signs of awareness while the nurses got him and his equipment arranged, and for a moment Hailey worried that he wasn’t going to wake up. But when the nurse called to him directly, his eyes finally opened, though bleary and distant.

“Hey,” she said, stepping up to the bed once the nurse declared him situated. Her hand went straight to his brow, once again stroking his hair back and out of his face. Hailey wasn’t sure why this gesture seemed to be her default to soothe him in his illness. She supposed somewhere in her subconscious, she had memories of her mother doing the same for her as a child when she was sick. Either way, it seemed to comfort Jay, so she kept at it. “How you doing there, soldier?”

“Mm, good, I guess. Tired. They got everything?”

“Yep,” she assured him. “The doctor said it hadn’t ruptured, so they got to it in time, and they were able to remove all the iffy parts. You did well, Halstead. But I think you’re still feeling some effects from the anesthesia, so you should probably rest.”

Jay nodded, his eyes already falling shut again. “You’ll stay with me?”

“Of course, Jay. Nowhere else I would be right now.” Hailey paused, wondering if it was worth her while to go on when he was still so loopy. But then she decided it wouldn’t hurt anything whether he remembered it or not. “You know, I stayed with you the last time you had surgery, too. Not right beside you, because we weren’t together yet, and it was a lot more serious, so I had to stay in the waiting room. But I didn’t leave until they finally let me lay eyes on you. Vanessa even brought me food, because she knew I wouldn’t be eating otherwise.” She moved her hand down to his, drawing invisible circles around his knuckles. “That was when she told me that I loved you.”

“She told you?”

Hailey smiled at the confusion in his question, evident even through his extreme fatigue. “I thought you fell back asleep,” she admitted.

“How can I sleep when you won’t stop talking about how much you love me?”

She brought his hand to her lips and gave it a gentle kiss. “Then we’ll save the rest of that story for another time. You need rest.”

“But I want to know how it ends.”

“I have a feeling that you already know. But I guess I can give you one spoiler: it’s a happy ending, I promise.”

He managed a flimsy smile. “Good,” he muttered, before the strength of the drugs pulled him all the way down once more.

I thought that he was in Venezuela?

Hailey read her mother’s response more times than she cared to admit. Never mind that she had the country totally wrong, there really wasn’t much more she could read into from such a simple message. Was the tone judgmental? Curious? Confused? Either way, Hailey couldn’t blame her mom when she had failed to mention the somewhat important detail that her husband had in fact returned from his overseas mission.

Hailey knew that the distance she maintained from her parents was hurting her mother. She tried not to think about it too much, because the guilt was hard to ignore when she remembered that her parents had never even met Jay, hadn’t even known his name until she told them, after the fact, that she had gotten married. Her feelings toward her mother were so damn complicated, and Hailey struggled to separate her into her own entity, distinct from her father, her parents as a unit, her entire childhood. She didn’t want to isolate the woman, but that seemed to be the only option as long as she continued to align herself with her father. And Hailey knew that had to be difficult, trying to balance between her husband and her children without teetering too far one way to completely disengage the other.

But just as easily as the sympathy for her mother came, so too did the anger directly behind it. Because it wasn’t that complicated at all. It was quite simple. A mother protected her children, and that meant getting them away from unsafe environments. And Hailey hated herself for it, but that same old familiar rage burned within her as she asked herself for possibly the millionth time why her mother didn’t just leave. Why playing the mediator and serving as his punching bag was somehow always the better alternative than the risk of getting out would have been. And then, as she knew it would, the fury gave way to confusion as she was forced to recognize that her mom had protected them, in her own way. As much as she knew how. But it wasn’t enough. And how was she supposed to reconcile that? What was she supposed to do with the knowledge that her mother loved them so much and did the best that she could with what she had, but her children had still born their share of the mistreatment despite everything she did to shield them?

Hailey never had a good answer. This train of thought never left her anything but frustrated and confused, which is why she had stopped going down it years ago. It was so much easier to just pack it away in a little box in the corner of her mind, hoping that eventually enough cobwebs would obscure it that she would forget what was in it. That it was even there.

It hadn’t worked so far. And by all indications, it was starting to look like it never would.

But, as Hailey sat curled up on a lumpy hospital cot that one of the aides had been kind enough to roll into the corner of Jay’s room, she gave herself a little bit of grace to acknowledge that right now was probably not the most efficient time to try to tackle those big questions. She was sleep-deprived and emotionally exhausted from the events of the last 24 hours. She didn’t need to solve all the world’s problems; she just needed to respond to a simple text message. 

It took her way longer than it should have to type out a simple “Bolivia. And he’s been back for about a month now. He came out of surgery well. Still pretty groggy from the anesthesia, but it looks like we should be able to break out tomorrow.”

She managed to send that one without spiraling into an existential crisis. It was only early evening, but the prospect of sleep was growing increasingly appealing to her. There wasn’t much else to do, since Jay was still out of it. The nurse had explained the importance of getting him up and walking before the night was over, but Hailey wasn’t sure he would be able to stay awake long enough at this point. She would give him a few more hours for the drugs to wear off before she forced him out of the bed.

There was a quiet knock on the door. Jay didn’t stir, and it was about time for the nurses to be changing shifts, so she called out a hushed “Come in.”

But instead, the door swung open to admit Voight into the room. His unexpected appearance led Hailey to jump up from the cot, uselessly running her fingers through her hair in an attempt to smooth it out. 

“Hey,” he said by way of a greeting, “Just wanted to check up on you both. How’s he doing?”

“Heavily medicated,” she said simply. “But I guess that’s to be expected. Surgeon said everything went well, so we’re crossing our fingers for an uneventful recovery.”

Hank nodded and held out a paper food delivery bag to her. “Trudy said you could probably use a bite. You holding up okay?”

“Yeah,” Hailey answered, waving her hand dismissively. “I was a little worried when he agreed to come in so willingly, but it sounds like it could have been a lot worse.”

“You get any sleep?”

And she knew there was a slew of ulterior meanings underneath that question. “Not a ton. But I will. I think both of us will rest much better than we did last night. And if we get settled at home tomorrow, I should be able to come into work on Wednesday.”

“Eh, let’s say Thursday. Tentatively.”

“Sarge, you really don’t have to worry, I can-”

A noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan came from the bed. She must not have done a terrific job of keeping her voice down. “Jay, what’s wrong? Are you having pain?”

Jay’s eyes were unfocused as he opened them, but there was a hint of his usual spark in them as they settled on Voight. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to make sure that you were still kicking. Would be a pity for you to survive more injuries in the line of duty than any cop I know just to get taken down by a little appendicitis. But now I can see that you’re just as much a pain in the ass as ever, appendix or no.”

“Good,” Jay muttered. “Then at least I didn’t lose the source of all my power.”

“The DEA know how accident-prone you are?”

“I’m not,” he insisted. “The bullets find me, not the other way around.”

If Hailey had known that a little banter, presumably equal parts joking and serious, with Voight would draw Jay all the way out of his anesthesia-induced haze, she probably would have asked him to come sooner. As it was, the jabs Voight had taken were enough incentive for him to finally get himself out of bed once the older man left. It wasn’t any secret that the movements caused him pain, but Jay insisted it was better than it had felt before the operation. Once he was upright, he was able to maneuver around fine, solely inhibited by the IV pole that was carrying the only nourishment he had had all day. In spite of that, once they completed a lap around the hall and returned to the room, Hailey was only able to get a few bites of chicken broth in him before his eyes grew heavy once more. She tried not to let that discourage her; he was limited to clear liquids tonight anyway, and the IV drip was still there to keep him hydrated. His body was telling him that rest was the priority, and she was in no position to argue.

Hailey felt better as she settled onto the cot a second time. Jay had woken up enough to check all the boxes the nurses had tasked him with tonight; she had gotten some food into her own belly; and now that the sun had actually set, she wouldn’t feel quite so pathetic about closing her eyes and trying to catch a few winks herself. She had almost forgotten about her message to her family, but the notifications on her phone brought it back to the forefront. There was a text from each of her brothers and her mom, vocalizing relief and good thoughts that the surgery had gone well. It wasn’t exactly deep, but it was a start. She had reached out to her family in a moment of vulnerability, and she hadn’t come away completely heartbroken or disappointed. In fact, Tyler offered to send her some food from the diner. And, as she tried without much success to get comfortable on the thin mattress, she thought that she just might take him up on that tomorrow. She shot out one more text telling him as much, and this time, she didn’t have to hesitate at all before pushing the send button.

Chapter Text

As the sun rose through the blinds of the cramped hospital room, Hailey felt a renewed sense of hope now that they had gotten through the night. It was remarkable just how much more manageable even the trickiest obstacles seemed in the light of day. Or maybe that was just the sleep she had been able to grab in between the nurses making their rounds to check in on Jay regularly.

And he had done fine, no complications or excessive pain. He managed a little yogurt for breakfast, and was even able to stay awake for entire conversations. He still dozed on and off, but even less than a day after they had cut his body open to remove an infected organ, Jay seemed a lot more like himself.

“I’m sorry I scared you, Hailey,” he admitted, getting settled back into the bed after yet another lap in the halls - the nurses insisted that walking was one of the best things he could do for his recovery. “I knew there was something wrong, but I didn’t think it was ‘emergency surgery’ level of wrong.”

“I’m just glad you agreed to come in when you did. We could be having a completely different conversation if you had waited for it to rupture. So, moral of the story: always listen to your wife.”

“That’s probably a good policy,” his breath hitched as he tried to reposition in bed.

She was immediately on alert. “You ready for more pain meds?”

He didn’t answer right away, which Hailey took as a good sign. He was at least considering the option, taking inventory of what his body was telling him. “No,” he finally said. “It’s not bad at all if I’m not moving.”

“Okay, but remember what we talked about?” she asked. “You’re not superhuman; pain is a normal part of this, and there’s no shame in treating it if you need to.”

“Copy you.” 

His eyes were falling shut again, so Hailey got comfy in the chair beside his bed, knowing she was going to be there for a while. “You know… I was actually kind of relieved.” One eye popped open to give her a quizzical glance. “Not that I was happy you were sick. But, you got so quiet so fast, after I had my mini meltdown. I was worried that I had pushed you away after that. That you were shutting down on me. So I guess I was just happy that it wasn’t my fault.”

“Hailey.” She had earned both of his eyes again. “That was hardly a meltdown.”

“Yeah, but it was pretty far removed from the supportive response that you were looking for. I basically forced you to talk to me, insisted I could take it, and then put you in an awkward spot when I couldn’t.”

“Let’s not do that, Hailey,” he said, planting his IV-free hand on her knee. “Not every difficult discussion has to have an antagonist. Sometimes things just suck. I knew that conversation was going to be hard, which is one of the reasons I kept it to myself for so long. I don’t think there’s a right way and a wrong way to react to that kind of info. We both had some feelings, and we worked through them without any major catastrophes. There’s no need to assign blame for that. Right?”

She nodded. “I guess that’s true.”

“And,” he attempted to turn to face her better, a wince crossing his face before he relented, “if you ever think I’m shutting you out again, you better call me the hell out on it, Hailey, because I’m not doing that again.”

“Overestimate your ability a little, there, buddy?” Hailey asked, choosing to address his body language before his words.

“Maybe a little.” He collapsed back on the mattress, laughing at himself, which only exacerbated the pain. “Don’t make me laugh!”

“Me? I nothing!” she protested, though she was chuckling right along with him now. “Maybe you should stop trying to sound all stern while you can barely hold your head up.”

A knock sounded at the door as their teasing eased off, Jay finally situated in a tolerable way and no doubt ready to fall asleep again. Hoping that it was the doctor coming to give him the all clear to go home, Hailey stood and called for them to enter.

She should have learned, once Voight made an unexpected appearance last night. That should have taught her never to assume that you know who’s on the other side of a hospital door. Because this time, the door opened slowly. The person behind it was carrying some sort of delivery bag, and Hailey barely had time to register the all too familiar logo of Niko’s Diner before she was rendered silent by the discovery of the person who was carrying it. And before she had time to think about what she was doing, her eyes darting from Jay half-asleep in the bed to her mom standing in the doorway, Hailey rushed to her mother, forcing her out the door and into the hall.

“Mom! What- What are you doing here?” She felt short of breath, for no good reason that she could recall. And she regretted it, her words and her actions, as she saw the uncertainty swimming in her mother’s eyes.

“I, well, you told Tyler you could use some food. And, I… I’m sorry, Hailey. I guess I should’ve called, but I figured I could just spare them a trip if I just brought it myself.” She held out the delivery bag in explanation. Perhaps as a peace offering.

Hailey ran a hand through her already messy hair. “How did you know what room we were in?”

“I asked the lady at the front desk.”

Right. Hailey made herself take a deep breath, reaching out to take the bag once she felt a little more centered. “I’m sorry, Mom. I just… I wasn’t expecting you, is all. You took me by surprise. But I appreciate it. That… it was really thoughtful.”

“Hailey, are you all right, astéri?” The use of her childhood nickname punctuated her mother’s concern. “You look… worn.”

She was losing control of this situation, and fast. “It’s been a rough few days, but I’m hanging in there, Mom. Look, let me set this stuff down, and then maybe we can talk a bit somewhere else. Jay’s resting.” It was at least a half-truth.

She closed the door behind her, probably unnecessarily, as she retreated back into the hospital room, but she needed a minute. Both hands found their way into her hair as she closed her eyes and tried to breathe deeply enough for her shoulders to unclench.

“Everything okay?” Jay asked from the bed.

“You’re not sleeping.”

“Uh, no, not after I just saw you lunge for the door for no good reason.”

Hailey nodded to the bag she had tossed onto the closest surface, the sink next to the door. “My mom’s here. She brought us food.”

“Oh…” He was clearly stumped by the absence of any other people in the room. “Did you kick her out?”

“Kind of. I don’t know, I just reacted, but I didn’t think you would want your first time meeting her to be while you’re confined to a hospital bed.”

“I’m not confined,” he said, indignant as ever. “And I mean, it’s not ideal, but under the circumstances… I don’t mind. Unless you need me to.”

Hailey felt trapped. Neither option sounded good to her. So, before she could talk herself out of it, she returned to the door and held it open for her mom. “You can come in. He’s awake.” It was only as her mother crossed the threshold that Hailey realized how very likely it was that she heard every word they had just said. “I’m not sure we need introductions at this point, but, Mom, this is my husband, Jay.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Upton.” Jay held out his hand to shake his mother-in-law’s, which she eagerly took. “I apologize that the circumstances are less than perfect.”

“Well, yes, ideally we would have met at the wedding, or even long before. But our Hailey always has had a knack for doing things her own way.”

“I had to make sure I wanted to keep him before I subjected all of you to him.” Surely a joke would make this feel slightly less awful. 

“Mm-hmm.” Even without words, Hailey was already very familiar with her parents’ feelings on her lack of respect for the Greek Orthodox traditions. “I suppose two years late is better than three. It is nice to meet you, Jay; I have been waiting a very long time. And please, call me Ioanna.”

“Of course. Ioanna. The food smells great. Do I detect loukoumades?” God bless her husband for being such a good social buffer even when he was heavily medicated. 

“Not for you, you don’t,” Hailey reminded him. “You’re still on liquids until lunch.”

“Not to worry,” her mom interjected, “there’s plenty in there. And I would be happy to bring you more once you’ve recovered. But for now, you’d better stick with the avgolemono.”

“Av-gola-who now?”

“Avgolemono,” her mother repeated. “Greek chicken soup. Heals the body and the soul.”

For a first meeting that took place inside a hospital, Hailey supposed it could have gone worse. Most of the conversation revolved around food, but no one minded. She was glad that her mother seemed intent not to wear out her welcome, and she made her exit before things got too awkward. Hailey walked with her down to the car, knowing that things needed to be said away from Jay’s listening ear.

“He seems like a good man.”

“He is,” Hailey replied, biting her tongue to avoid automatically contrasting him to her father.

“And the Bolivia thing wasn’t anything to worry about?”

“That was for his work, Mom. Don’t read too much into it.”

Her mother paused in the middle of the sidewalk. “I suppose I do worry a lot about you, Hailey. But often I have no other choice when I don’t hear from you for months. And when I do finally see you… I don’t know, astéri. You just don’t seem like yourself.”

Hailey wanted to scream How would you know?!? She wanted to cry. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to somehow explain to her mother all the pain she had been experiencing, how it had been building up for so long, how she almost succumbed to it, how her mother was nowhere to be found when she actually should have been worried about Hailey. She wanted to be small enough again that when her mother hugged her, she felt completely enveloped and shielded from all the evil in the world (or in the next room). She wanted her mother to just know what was wrong without having to tell her. She wanted to be understood without having to explain. She wanted none of it to be real. She wanted this conversation to not be necessary. She wanted to smile and pretend that everything was just as it should be. She wanted to run away and never have to encounter the pain in her mother’s eyes again. She wanted to escape. She wanted someone to tell her that everything was going to be okay. She wanted, with her entire being, to be capable of believing it.

“Look, Mom…” She rubbed at a spot on her cheek, mindful to keep it from escalating to scratching. “You’re not wrong. I’ve been going through a lot lately. And having Jay gone was hard. It was a lot. I want to be able to tell you about it. I probably will, at some point. But I’m just not ready to get into it right now.”

“Is there any way I can help?”

Hailey honestly had no idea how to answer that. “No,” she said, giving her mom a reassuring smile. “I’m all right; we’ve both been doing better. I’m sure this will set us back a little, but we’ll get through it together.”

The smile her mother returned could only be described as a sad one. “He’s good for you, Hailey?”

She nodded. “The best.”

Hailey allowed her mother to pull her into a hug once they reached her car, still feeling an immense responsibility for her mom’s emotional wellbeing, hating that she was making things any more difficult than they already were. She had absolved herself of that burden years ago, finally having to acknowledge that only so much was within her control. But now, confronted with it head on, it was only natural for Hailey to claim it as her own again. No matter how much time or distance she put between them, she was still intrinsically and irreversibly connected to her mother.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, just before her mom climbed into the driver’s seat. “For not visiting when Dad was sick. For leaving you alone in the hospital.”

“It’s alright, Hailey. I wasn’t alone. Your aunt Eleni was there. Mrs. Stavrakos from church came by. And Tyler made sure we didn’t starve.”

“Just like you and Dad used to do when you ran the diner. Taking food to people who needed it.”

“Some family traditions are worth passing on,” her mom said. “I don’t want you to worry about that, Hailey. You don’t have to be all things to all people. It’s okay to rely on your family, especially during difficult times. You’ll try to remember that, won’t you?”

Hailey nodded, a lump in her throat.

“Okay, then.” Hailey stood back as her mom started the car, but before she drove away, she rolled down the window and added, “I’m sure he would love to see you, meet your lovely husband, whenever you feel ready. You know, you’ve changed quite a lot in the last ten years; maybe none of us are the same people we used to be.”

And with that, she drove off. Hailey wasn’t sure she would have been able to answer, even if she had had the opportunity. 

It was a peculiar phenomenon, Hailey noted, that she was able to keep herself together as she wound her way through the hospital corridors back to Jay’s room. That her mask of an expression didn’t waver, that she was able to give polite nods to the staff members she passed, and even a slight smile to an older couple walking through the halls the exact same way she and Jay had been earlier. But that the second she set foot back into Jay’s room, a space that held absolutely no significance to her save for the man settled in the bed within it, her veneer broke. That her chest was suddenly full of hot clouds of air, clawing at her throat in their attempt to escape as violent sobs.

“I- I didn’t know she was coming,” she managed to get out in between her heavy gasps, a feeble bid to explain amidst her sudden waves of emotion.

“I could tell,” Jay answered, screwing his face against the pain as he swung his legs over the side of the bed in an effort to sit up.

“No, don’t move,” she urged him, rushing to his side to keep him from overexerting himself. “I’m okay.” She nodded, as if convincing herself with her words. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”

To her relief, he did settle back against the mattress, but held his hand out to her as a compromise. “No, you’re not, Hails, but that’s okay. Come here and sit down. If you want me to stay in bed, then you’ve got to meet me halfway.”

She nodded again, trying miserably to staunch the flow of tears that now were running down her face. But with every move she made to get closer to her husband, careful of his wounds and all his tubes and wires, she realized that her resistance was futile. Even when he was the one in the hospital bed, Jay was her safe space, and her tenacity was no match for the yearning subconscious within her that recognized the solution instead of dwelling uselessly on the problem.

But he was injured, and even in her disheveled state, Hailey was aware that holding his arm up as he gently cupped her cheek, brushing her tears away with his thumb, was enough to cause him discomfort. So she gave into the urge she had earlier to collapse in on herself and leaned forward until she was resting her face on the bed beside his hip. There was something strangely therapeutic about weeping uncontrollably into a mattress, and the soothing motions of his fingers as they worked through her tangled hair only served as further encouragement for her to let all her angst out through those hot, angry sobs.

It wasn’t until his hand moved from her scalp to her upper back that she realized her crying had escalated to an undesirable level. She could still hear him, if she tried, but the muffling of his voice didn’t conceal the worry that was now evident in it. The pressure from his palm was too strong to be considered a comfort as he tried to urge her to slow her breathing down. And she could tell, by the frequent battering of her chest against his firm hand, that she was not doing a very good job of it.

“Come on, Hails, you can do it. In for four - no, wait, hold it - now out for four. Just slow, deep breaths. In… and out…”

Hailey really didn’t think it was fair for him to expect this of her when her insides were still so raw, so much despair and desolation within her struggling to burst out. It felt like a losing battle. But, once she did manage to finally regulate her breathing to an acceptable rate (or so she assumed since he moved his hand back to her head), she registered the ringing in her ears and the tingling in her fingers that signaled one of her more intense bouts with anxiety. So she gave in then, allowing him to whisper whatever consoling words he wanted as she focused on reversing the unnerving effects of the hyperventilation.

“You feel up to drinking something?” he finally asked her. “Or eating? The nurse came by while you were downstairs and said I could have solids now, so I think there are probably two loukoumades with our names on them in that bag.”

Hailey smiled against the sheets, only slightly embarrassed at how easily food could improve even the most sour of her moods, like a toddler.

“That sounds good.” She turned her head to face him, her cheek still resting against the blanket. “So does that one count as a meltdown?”

“Eh,” Jay tilted his head in thought. “I would probably go with ‘anxiety attack,’ but I guess it’s just semantics. You feeling a little better now?”

Hailey sat up slowly and wiped her eyes. “Ugh. Yeah, I guess. Not sure where all of that came from.” 

“I bet you could figure it out without too much effort,” he answered ruefully, offering her the styrofoam cup of water from his bedside table.

She drank from it eagerly, aware now of just how tiring her crying spree had been. Food and a nap sounded like a wonderful idea. “I’ll add that to the list of things for me to address in therapy. Wait.”

“What?”

“Damn it. Therapy! Today is Tuesday, Jay, I wasn’t even thinking about that. But I’m supposed to meet with Steven this afternoon.”

“Oh. Right.” Jay sat up straighter in the bed, barely even making a face this time. “You still have time to make it, if you want.”

“I don’t want. Not today. I want to be here when the doctor comes, just to make sure I don’t have any questions about you going home. But I also don’t want to get in trouble with my doctor, either. I’m really not supposed to be skipping sessions, plus I haven’t taken my meds for the past two days. I hope that’s not bad enough for them to want to put me back inpatient.”

“It’s not.”

“I don’t know, let me call him real fast.”

“It’s not, Hailey,” Jay insisted. “By all means, call your therapist, let him know why you need to cancel. But you know that they’re not going to be concerned about your treatment getting a little mixed up this week. Especially if it makes you this upset when it does. Remember what the doctor said when you were worried that they were discharging you too soon? It’s all just a matter of safety. And you are safe. Even if you might still feel a bit out of control at this very minute.” 

His calm, logical explanation made her feel a little better, and Hailey marveled at how they managed to complement each other perfectly even when the roles rapidly reversed. They were bouncing back and forth between her looking after his physical ailment and him caring for her deeper, less obvious wounds without any hesitation. She supposed that’s why they made such a great team: they could both play all the roles. Sometimes, it would seem, even at the same time.

Once Hailey felt the pounding in her chest cease and the tingling in her fingers went away, she pulled out her phone to communicate with all the necessary parties about the temporary pause in her sessions. Then, at Jay’s urging, she positioned herself carefully next to him in the hospital bed so they could both feast on the meal her mother had brought them. Jay’s attempt was more of a nibble, but she felt famished, and between the two of them, they were able to put a nice dent into the abundance of food. And once she had her fill, the exhaustion from the morning caught up with her, and she fell into a dreamless sleep, gingerly curled up next to her husband.

That was how the doctor found them when he made rounds thirty minutes later, revitalizing them both with the news that Jay was ready to go home.

“Can I ask you something?” Jay said as Hailey drove them home from the hospital, with noticeably much more care and caution than she had exercised on the way in.

“Of course.”

“It’s about your family,” he added.

“Oh. Yeah, sure,” she agreed, but with less enthusiasm than her previous response had held.

“So,” Jay began, wondering if the pain meds were making it harder to put his question into words, “Your family is, like, Greek Greek.”

She shot him a confused glance. “Yeah. You knew that already, Jay. That was one of the first things you learned about me.”

“Yeah, but I thought you were Greek in the way that I’m Irish. Like, that’s your ancestry. I never got a “Big Fat Greek Wedding” vibe from you. But after meeting your mom, I don’t know. I guess I’m just questioning everything I had assumed I knew about your childhood. Did your parents want you to have a wedding like that? Did you go to Greek school? And how did you end up with such a non-Greek name?”

Hailey thought for a moment before she replied, but he could tell that she was contemplating her answer carefully. “Honestly,” she said, “I don’t think I’ve ever had to explain to someone exactly how Greek I am. And if your only benchmark is “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” I would say that was probably closer to my grandparents’ experience than mine. At least on my dad’s side. His family’s been here for generations, and one of my great-grandmothers got a little rebellious and married an Anglican. So my grandfather was an Upton, my dad was an Upton, and now, obviously, I am an Upton.”

“It’s not too late to become a Halstead, if you want to,” Jay reminded her.

“I’m a Halstead in my heart,” she said. “But Hailey Halstead sounds a little too much like a children’s book character. And it just wasn’t practical when we worked together.”

“I know, Hailey. I’m only teasing. I mean, yes, the option does exist, but I kind of like Hailey Upton. That’s who I fell in love with, after all.”

She snorted. “Those drugs are making you sappy.”

“So how come you didn’t get a fun Greek first name like your mom?”

“Because of my mom. Her parents came to the States while they were pregnant with my uncle, so she’s a first generation American. And she always hated her name. How no one could spell it, no one could pronounce it, how it automatically labeled her. So when it was her turn to have kids, she swung hard the other way and gave us the blandest names in existence.”

“Your name isn’t bland.”

“Maybe not, but it’s definitely less memorable than Ioanna Karagiannis, which is what she grew up with. And I can appreciate that; sometimes there is a lot of value in remaining under the radar.” Hailey hesitated before adding, “Sometimes I wonder if that’s why she was attracted to my dad in the first place. Because he had a nice, short, easy-to-spell surname.”

She was quiet after that, and Jay couldn’t tell if his question had brought more to the surface than she was up to facing just yet, or if maybe she was just experiencing the normal combination of fondness and longing that he felt whenever he reminisced about his own childhood.

“So… no Greek school?”

“No. We didn’t go to Greek school. My parents didn’t have the time or money for it when we were younger and they were just starting out with the diner. But we learned enough from our grandparents to be conversational. Enough to throw some phrases around at the diner to add ‘authenticity.’”

Jay stared at her across the Jeep.

“What?” she asked.

“I just… I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever heard you speak Greek. And I don’t think I have. It’s just kind of crazy to realize. Like you speak a whole other language and I’ve never heard you do it.”

“That’s because you’ve never been around my family. And ‘whole other language’ is pushing it. I’m far from fluent.”

“Say something to me.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Min chytheí o kafés.”

“You just said something mean, didn’t you?”

“No,” she admitted with a laugh. “That means ‘don’t spill the coffee.’ I heard that one a lot.”

“I bet,” Jay said while she pulled into her designated parking space at their apartment.

“So…” Hailey turned the ignition, shutting off her car, and turning to face him, “What made you think about all of this? Are you feeling guilty that we deprived my parents out of throwing a wedding now that you have a face to put with the name?”

“No,” he assured her, “although she really did manage to bring that up a lot in such a short time period. I’m just…” He looked at his hands while he tried to get his words straight. Damn those pain meds. “Honestly, Hailey, I’m a little confused. The little that I’ve heard about your childhood… I never felt any need to know or attachment to anyone or anything that had a hand in that. But now that I have met her…”

“And she’s a nice, normal, respectable woman?” Hailey offered. “And it’s not as easy to hate her as you thought it would be?”

“Yeah,” Jay said with a sigh of defeat. “I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.”

She nodded. “Don’t worry, Jay. I’ve been dealing with that same confusion for years. And if I ever figure it out, I’ll let you know.” And with that, Hailey swiftly exited the Jeep, slamming the door behind her before he even had the chance to process what she said, let alone answer.

Chapter Text

It was raining.

That was Jay’s first realization as he slowly rose toward consciousness the next morning.

Hailey loved the rain. That was one of the first things he ever learned about her. Or rather, it was the first thing he learned without her telling him. All those years ago, when she was just the new detective on the squad, all confidence and big blue eyes (and that adorable dimple), she was still a pretty closed book in matters of her personal life. But that summer had been a wet one, and it wasn’t long before he noticed a consistent change in her mood whenever the humid air gave way to a downpour. How she seemed more at peace, less reactive. How she would refuse an umbrella except for the most torrential storms, preferring to feel the cool drops as they soaked into her hair and made their way down her face. How the collective whining around the bullpen when they returned from a case during a mid-afternoon deluge never included complaints from her. And when the weather turned cooler, and rain became less frequent to make room for sleet and snow, she simply added a weatherproof coat and boots to her arsenal. But her attitude was the same, and more than once, Jay had caught her stepping directly into a slushy puddle when she could have easily sidestepped it. She always maintained her professional exterior, but even then he could see - could sense - how something changed inside of her whenever it rained.

So, on this dreary morning when Jay could hear the patter of the raindrops on their roof, he knew she would be happy. He guessed, before he even opened his eyes, that she would be lying on her side of their bed gazing up at their skylight, mesmerized as ever by the constantly-changing canvas that the downpour supplied on the glass. But when he reached his hand out to her, it was only met with empty space. He forced his eyes open, but saw no signs of anything else being amiss. The sheets on her side were cool, and if he had to guess, he would say that she had been up for a while. If she had even been to sleep at all.

He took a breath and braced himself before sitting up. His abdominal muscles protested, but Jay told himself that was to be expected. He had been surprised to discover just how difficult recovery from surgery could be when the source came from within the body itself. He had assumed it would be a walk in the park compared to getting shot, but that was not turning out to be the case. The combination of the infection, the trauma of being cut open, and all the medications being pumped into him meant that his body was still not very happy with him. The doctor had said he would be mostly back to normal in two weeks, but Hailey was supposed to return to work tomorrow. So Jay knew he needed to make sure he was as independent as possible today to ease her mind about leaving him here alone in the morning.

When he saw her, curled up on the couch with a coffee mug clutched to her chest, he felt validated that even though she wasn’t where he had initially guessed, she was doing the same thing: watching the rain. She had just chosen a much bigger window.

“Hi, handsome,” she called to him.

“You must want something if you’re buttering me up first thing.” He carefully made his way to her and sat down. “Or, are you just in a good mood because of the rain?”

“Maybe both?” She leaned over and kissed the side of his head. “How are you feeling?”

He pulled her hand from where it rested on his knee and dropped a kiss of his own to her knuckles. “Better, maybe? Definitely not worse. I don’t think I’m all the way awake yet. I can have some of this?” He grabbed her mug from her and took a lengthy swallow before she could give him an answer.

Instead, she gave him a look that probably would have struck fear in anyone else, but Jay had pulled this stunt enough to know that she secretly liked the face he would make upon tasting the bitterness of the straight coffee. As always, it was involuntary, but today it was extra easy because in addition to being unsweetened, her coffee was barely lukewarm.

“Geez, Hailey! That is truly disgusting. Like slurping straight out of a mud puddle.”

As he predicted, his reaction drew a laugh out of her. “I guess I’ve been sitting here longer than I realized. But there’s more over there. I made a full pot.”

It wasn’t hard for Jay to put two and two together. “How long have you been awake?”

There was a beat before she answered, “A while.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

“Yeah, some. But my brain was having a lot of trouble shutting down.”

Jay nodded, but he slowly rose and retrieved a fresh cup of coffee for them each before he said anything in return. When he did, he decided to go with the ever popular staple of tricky topics. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The absence of a ‘no’ from her was a ‘yes,’ but she remained quiet. So Jay propped a pillow behind his back, arranging himself in a way that he could bring her into his side without irritating his incisions. As she carefully leaned into him, he couldn’t help muttering, “I’m so glad this didn’t happen in Bolivia.”

“Me, too,” she said, wrapping the throw blanket around them both as best as she could reach. And then they entertained a peaceful silence, broken only by the subtle noises when they would occasionally sip their coffee.

“She just surprised me,” Hailey finally said. “Bombarded me, really. And I feel like I lost all control there. Because I had been thinking about getting in touch with my family after everything. But I was just in the very earliest phases of that. I hadn’t even decided anything yet, and then she shows up and all these feelings and memories spring up at once instead in the small, manageable pieces I was aiming for. And now I feel stuck. Because shutting her down completely feels like a step backward. But I definitely don’t feel ready for what she’s asking of me. But I also don’t feel like I can explain that to her at all without telling her the whole story. And that’s going to hurt her. That’s the thing: I don’t feel like there’s any solution that doesn’t hurt one or both of us. There’s no clear answer. And I just don’t know what to do.” 

Jay bit his lip as Hailey leaned up to set her empty mug on the coffee table. There was a noticeable chill when she left the space beside him, and he was thankful that she returned just as quickly. She was huffy and distracted, but she didn’t hesitate to snuggle back up to him. It would have been easy for Jay to tell himself that was just her own reaction to the cold, but deep down, he knew it was more than that. They had come a long way in just a few short weeks, and he was adamant that he wasn’t going to take Hailey’s trust in him for granted anymore. The fact that she was telling him about her fears, about the turmoil that had been brewing inside of her from the moment she laid eyes on her mother the day before was not a privilege he was going to take lightly. So while she welcomed the physical reminders of his devotion, Jay weighed the words in his mind carefully before he offered them to her.

“That’s a tough one, Hails. But I can’t help but to think that there’s a reason that there’s no clear answer; maybe this is just another one of those situations where there is no obvious right or wrong.” He felt her shiver against him, so he ran his hand up and down her arm, hoping to generate some warmth from the friction. “I mean, you basically just said that either option is going to be hard for her, right? So maybe, for now, it makes the most sense to focus on what’s best for you.”

“What was your mom like?”

Hailey’s question surprised him. It was a sensitive subject for him, but it wasn’t like he went out of his way to avoid talking about his mother. But one unique factor about their relationship and its gentle segue from coworkers to married couple was that there wasn’t one single conversation Jay could point to where he told her about his youth and his relationship with his parents. His story came out to her here and there, in bits and pieces when something in a case reminded him of his childhood, or when Will opened his big mouth about a detail for which he was then obligated to provide context. But even without a designated ‘tell me about your past’ conversation, he and Hailey had been together in some capacity long enough that they knew all the essentials of each other’s stories.

Or so he used to think. Until yesterday, when a perfectly pleasant interaction with Ioanna Upton made him question everything. But, he had always known that Hailey’s reticence to share derived from the difficult relationships she had with her parents. It was protective, not evasive. And while that was true somewhat for Jay and his father, his connection with his mother had never been anything he felt the need to hide or embellish.

“She was…” he began, unsure where the sentence would finish once he got started. “I mean, she was great. Loving. Compassionate. Patience of a saint. I know you never really met my dad, but you’ve met Will. And you know me pretty well. None of us were exactly the easiest people to love. But she did it anyway. And she made it look so easy.”

Hailey shifted under the blanket, pulling her feet up under her. “Did she… When you came back from Afghanistan, did she know how much you were struggling?”

Maybe his wife didn’t know as much about this as he thought. “Hailey,” he said gently, “she was dying when I came back from Afghanistan the first time. It was no secret I was a mess; we all were. It was a brutal few months. And once she was gone… Will went right back to New York, my dad was just a shell - seemed like anger was the only emotion he had, and I was the only one left for him to aim it at. I reupped before I had any time to really process… everything. Which was probably why the second time coming home was such an epic disaster.”

He felt her reposition again, this time to drape her arms delicately around his chest. “This okay?”

Jay nodded. “As long as you don’t squeeze, it’s more than okay.”

“Do you… Do you think it might have been different, if she were still around?”

“Probably, yeah,” Jay admitted. “She would not have put up with my shenanigans for very long. But, none of that matters. She wasn’t around, and I was a raging jackass. But I can’t even really regret too much of that, because who am I to say which part of that is what led me to the CPD? Which dumb decision I made is the one that led me here, to you? You dwell too long on those hypotheticals, you just drive yourself crazy.”

Hailey sighed. “Yeah, I know. I guess I’m just looking for some kind of validation.”

“You want me to say that if my mom were around, and I was honest with her about how bad I was, that it would have helped?”

“No,” she answered quickly. “Not if it’s not true. I don’t even know if that’s the answer I would want, or the opposite one.” She nuzzled into his shoulder. “I’m just not sure if I trust myself. I want someone else to tell me which decision I should make.”

“I’m sorry, Hailey. I’m afraid that’s just not how any of this works.”

“You’re no help,” she mumbled cheekily, the smile audible in her voice as she pressed a kiss into his deltoid. “But at least you have some new scars for me to explore when I’m trying to fall asleep.”

“Uh-uh, Hails, these lap sites are off limits for at least two more weeks. Doctor’s orders.”

“I guess I’ll just have to wait, then.”

He eyed her studiously for a moment. “Seriously, Hailey. Are you going to be able to sleep tonight? Because if you’re not sure, I really think we should talk about pushing your start date back a few days.” 

“You sound like Voight,” she answered, with a roll of her eyes. “I need to go back to work, Jay. As long as you’re okay here. I’ll even take a Xanax tonight if I have to. But it’s going to be a source of stress until I do, and the longer I wait, the worse it’s getting. Besides, if I try to wait until everything else in my life is perfect before I go back, I might just be waiting forever. And, who knows, maybe it will do me some good to have a little distraction from my growing list of things to address in therapy.”

“Okay,” Jay agreed. “As long as you’re sure, I trust your judgment. But I have to warn you, I’m not sure I’ll be such great company today. I already feel like I have a nap coming on. You’ll be able to entertain yourself?”

“You know I managed without you for ten months, right? And your body needs the rest. I’ll be fine. Although, to be honest, I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“I do,” Jay said smugly, pushing himself mostly easily to a standing position. “You’re going to sit here and watch the rain for a little while longer. Then you’re going to check that list you made the other day to make sure you have everything in order for tomorrow. And then, if it’s still raining, you’re going to pull out your boots and go for a walk in it. Probably wring your hair out on me when you get back, and laugh about it.”

“Not a bad idea, Halstead,” she told him, her dimple making an appearance as a smile peeked out the corners of her lips. “Maybe I’ll make you some lunch somewhere in there, too.”

“Living the dream,” he agreed. “You okay if I go lie back down?”

“Absolutely. I’ll call you if I need you. Same?”

“Same.”

He looked back at her one more time before he closed the bedroom door, hoping the serene expression that adorned her face as she watched the rain was an accurate reflection of how she was feeling inside. At least for now.

Hailey took a step back to take inventory of her preparation. Outfit: check. She had brought her favorite button-up and a pair of jeans into the bathroom so that she could dress in the morning without disturbing Jay. That had never been a worry previously, and hopefully would only be a short-term necessity until he was back to work, too. But if the last three days had taught her anything, it was that post-surgery Jay was a sleepy Jay. She was going out of her way to ensure he got the rest he needed, but she had a strong suspicion that he would wake up with her in the morning regardless. Still, she made sure her shoes and a pair of good socks were ready by the front door, just in case.

Nutrition: check. The coffeemaker was prepped and ready to go, filter in place and already full of her favorite blend. She and Jay had dedicated part of their afternoon to chopping some fruit and putting together individual containers of something that passed as yogurt parfaits, so that grabbing a quick but filling breakfast would be easy for both of them for the rest of the week. They assembled some lunches, too, something that she usually didn’t think twice about while she was working. There was never any guarantee if or when the detectives would be able to grab a meal break when they were working a case, and if they did, it was usually something convenient and accessible, which often meant fast food. But Hailey knew she was going to be on a short leash for the foreseeable future, and those days of sporadic mealtimes and questionable hydration were behind her. Her wallet and her body would both thank her for having some homemade options and her reusable water bottle available.

Equipment: check. She kept going over this one, again and again and again, because no matter how many times she checked her bag - ensuring that her badge and her ID and her vest and her extra set of clothes were all in their proper place - it still felt unnaturally bare from the absence of her gun. Hailey found herself debating whether or not she should try to get used to it that way. The sooner she grew accustomed to it, the better, because the natural response when she thought it was supposed to be there was always a stomach-dropping fear that it had been misplaced or stolen, directly followed by a shame so pervasive that it made her whole body feel overheated. Surely things would be easier if she could train herself to avoid that sensation every time she reached for her hip only to find her holster empty. But on the other hand… she didn’t want to get used to it. Complacency wasn’t going to get her anywhere, and if she went back to work without any sort of fire or drive to motivate her back toward her previous standing, she was just wasting everybody’s time.

“All set?” her husband asked from behind her as she surveyed her work once more.

“I think so. It’s just so weird without my gun,” she answered honestly. “I hadn’t really noticed it missing, with everything else going on around here. But shifting back into cop mode…” Hailey just shook her head. If there were words to describe the inadequacy she felt as a detective without a weapon, she hoped that Jay already knew what they were. “What about you? You feel okay about being here by yourself tomorrow?”

“Oh, yeah,” he assured her. “Already feeling more mobile, and the surgeon said movement is good. So I don’t need someone to wait on me hand and foot, because then I’m at risk for pneumonia or hemorrhage or whatever.”

“Blood clot,” she corrected him.

“Right,” he said. “Same thing.”

She laughed. “The complete opposite, actually. Good thing you didn’t have aspirations in the medical profession.”

“Oh, god. Could you imagine?” he asked in disgust. “Waking up every day and choosing to go to a hospital? I always knew there was something loose in Will’s head, so his career choice definitely confirms that.” 

“I don’t know. I kind of like knowing that there’s a doctor in the family. Provides a sense of security, you know? Especially considering how prone to injuries you are.”

“Hey,” he protested, “this last visit was for an illness. Not an injury.”

“Still. I was really glad to have some people in the know to guide us through your illness,” Hailey answered, retreating to the bedroom now that she had double and triple checked her preparedness for the morning.

While she was changing into her pajamas, Jay asked “Do you want to watch something? Or are you going to try to jump straight into bedtime mode?”

“I could do something light and fluffy. Might be relaxing.”

“Okay,” Jay murmured, grabbing their iPad and browsing through the selection, “light and fluffy…”

He was putting way more thought into it than Hailey would have, and she wondered briefly if she might fall asleep waiting for him to decide. Maybe that was his goal.

“Okay, got it,” he finally announced. “One light and fluffy movie coming up. Middle or side?” 

“Can we do my side? That way I don’t have to worry about how much pressure I’m putting on your incisions.” She didn’t have to vocalize the additional benefit of placing the iPad on her side of the bed while they watched; that meant he was the one who would curl around her, rather than the other way around, and the feeling of safety she felt being surrounded by him was about as close as she could get to a guarantee of falling asleep.

“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed, bracing his middle as he scooted closer to her. “You good and comfy?”

“Mm-hmm,” she assured him as she propped the device up and pressed play. “The Mighty Ducks?” Hailey looked over her shoulder at her husband as he got situated behind her.

“What? That’s an excellent choice. It checks your boxes of both light and fluffy. Plus, for a midwestern kid raised in the nineties, is there a more reliable source of instant serotonin? I don’t think so.”

“If it makes you feel better to live vicariously through a bunch of fictional twelve-year-olds, by all means.”

“Hey!” Jay protested, poking the back of her thigh. “It’s not my fault that my parents prioritized catholic education over my NHL prospects. How Charlie’s mom could afford it on her single salary from a diner is beyond me. I’ve got to live out my childhood dream however I can.”

“Well, it is fiction, after all.”

“Yeah,” he admitted with a sigh. “I guess that’s the only way to guarantee a happy ending, if the whole story takes place in a world of your own creation to begin with. So… let’s hop to it, Upton! This cinematic masterpiece isn’t going to watch itself, and the whole goal is for you not to stay up too late.”

“Yeah, okay. Coming right up.” Hailey couldn’t help but laugh at his excitement over watching one of his childhood favorites, but as she got pulled into the movie, wrapped as snugly in her husband’s arms as his post-op condition would allow, she realized that she disagreed with him. The film itself had very little to do with the feeling of calm she was experiencing, and it was the sensation of Jay’s fingers squeezing lightly on her hip that was the last thing she registered before her mind floated up and away toward the stars hovering in the skylight above them.

Chapter Text

It still worked.

Hailey didn’t know why that surprised her. Platt had told her as much the last time she came by. She had never lost any good standing with her job; her status as an employee of the Chicago Police Department was still active. And her credentials and fingerprints were still in the system, allowing her to buzz herself through the metal gate and access the daunting stairs up to the Intelligence Unit that suddenly seemed much higher than they ever had before.

She tried not to think about that as she climbed them, and the moment she took in the room, with its desks and signs and boards all more or less how she remembered them, she sighed in relief. She had spent so much time building up this moment in her head as something noteworthy, but now that she was physically in the space, it was so much easier to remind herself that she could do this. It was no different from what she had done thousands of times before.

Even though she had made an intentional effort to arrive early, to no one’s surprise, Voight was already in his office. He stepped out into the doorway, watching her while she made her way to her desk.

“This one’s still mine?”

He nodded. “It’s not like we remodeled while you were away.”

Away. Hailey wasn’t sure how she felt about that word being used to describe her prolonged absence. It felt purposefully vague, placatingly nonspecific. But, it was accurate, and she couldn’t think of any better term that didn’t sacrifice brevity for the sake of precision. Just because Voight didn’t emphasize the reasoning behind her sabbatical didn’t mean that he was handling her with kid gloves. After all, he tended to be a man of few words.

“Right,” she answered. “So, what are we working on?” Her hands itched as she addressed her CO, and she couldn’t remember ever being so uncertain what to do with them. She settled for shoving them in her pockets, walking over to the board to analyze what information the team had pinpointed thus far in their current case. It was sparse, and that gave Hailey hope that she would at least have something to do today.

“Drug induced homicide. Three bodies so far connected to the same bad batch of dope. We’re thinking this guy is at the helm, but there’s very little evidence so far.”

Voight stood back as Hailey analyzed the board slowly. As she took in the little bit of information that was laid before her, she could practically feel the cogs in her mind shaking off the dust as they began to turn. It had been a while since she had flexed her observational muscles, and it felt as refreshing and as natural as slipping into her favorite sweatshirt at the end of a long day. Like it was made for her.

The sound of the gate closing and more footsteps on the stairs caused her to turn, spotting Torres as he sidled to his desk behind her. He gave her a casual nod as he removed his jacket and placed it on the back of his chair.

She nodded back and then asked him, “No recent LKA for this guy?”

“Nope,” Dante answered. “Last one’s in Pilsen, but that was more than three years ago. The family that lives there now says they bought it from a woman, so we were hoping that maybe that was a sister or girlfriend. But we haven’t been able to find anything yet.”

When Hailey nodded this time, it was with a definite purpose. “Got it. I’ll see what I can find.”

She was so deep in property records that she barely heard Atwater enter a few minutes later, but he made himself known by silently setting a cup of decaf coffee from her favorite local spot on her desk with a wink. And when Kim and Adam finally rounded out the group, she might have been oblivious altogether if Ruzek hadn’t knocked into her chair.

“Sorry, Upton,” Adam explained. “I kind of got used to having this corner all to myself.”

“Yeah, well, get un-used to it,” Voight instructed him. “And don’t get comfortable. I need you and Torres to head back to Carney’s last known. We found a private Instagram account from our second vic that has multiple posts geotagged to that area from a few months ago. Do some knock and talks to see if anyone recognizes her. Or even better, if they can place her with him.”

“Copy that, boss,” Adam said as he rose from his seat again. And this time, when his chair bumped into hers, she knew it wasn’t an accident. “Nice to have you back, Hailey.”

It was giving him déjà vu.

Jay couldn’t believe that he was filling out an application to the CPD for the second time in his life. And he couldn’t ignore the similarities of his circumstances now to those he had been in the first time he felt compelled to apply. He had been back from Afghanistan for months at that point, only able to identify what direction he wanted his life to take by knowing for certain where he didn’t want to go. It seemed like he always had to try out multiple wrong pathways before he settled on the right one. And applying for the Academy had been the right one for him all those years ago. It had given him the structure and purpose that he had grown accustomed to in the Army, the lack of which had left him flailing about uselessly once he was abruptly thrust into the civilian world.

He really didn’t have a good excuse this time. Both his decision to enlist and his decision to come back home were sudden, brought about by events that felt impossible to live with. Jay didn’t like to think that running away from life’s difficulties was his MO, but he couldn’t really argue with the evidence that his recollections were presenting to him. Cascading bullets, IEDs, enemy fire - he could face all of these without a second thought. Why was it that his response to emotional pain was so much more drastic?

Asking himself that question made him proud that he had finally mustered up the courage to tell Hailey a little bit about the memories of Bolivia that plagued him. It still felt like it may have been at her expense, even though she insisted that she wanted to help him carry that burden until it didn’t feel quite so heavy. Jay wasn’t convinced that would ever happen entirely, but he had to admit that the edges of that memory didn’t feel quite so sharp anymore. And he knew that the strong medications that were still coursing through his body played a big role, but he hadn’t experienced a hint of a nightmare since that day that he had made the choice to share with her.

Maybe she was on to something. Maybe this whole 'talking to each other' thing was going to do them a world of good. Jay hoped so, because he had now jumped from military to police and back enough times for it to be considered a pattern. And he meant what he had promised Hailey at so many points in their relationship, even though he had already broken said promise in a spectacular fashion; that only made him more determined that he was not going to fail his wife like that again. He wasn’t going anywhere. No more running. No more hiding. And this time, as he began the arduous task of filling out the application to become a Chicago Police Officer, it felt a lot more like a solution than a desperate attempt just to escape a problem.

But, of course, like most solutions, it was not going to be one easily acquired. There were multiple licenses and certifications that he had to make sure were up to date, and the application even included details about repeating necessary training at the Police Academy. Jay only hoped that his experience and record would speak for itself, and any additional instruction he was required to take would be minimal. He was less concerned about passing the physical and strength requirements, although his current incapacitated state gave him some pause. There was little chance that he would be called to complete the fitness standards within the next two weeks, but the desire to regain his previous stamina quickly was some extra incentive to follow his doctor’s instructions to the letter.

Still, as Jay began typing out his name and address and Social Security number on the first few lines, he was grateful that he had already completed this process on a similar application last week - one that he wasn’t sure he would need and that Hailey knew nothing about. The twinge of guilt he felt about keeping it from her was one he was easily able to push away; he hadn’t kept her in the dark to hide anything from her. It was just that there was no guarantee that he would be accepted, and the only way for him to find out if that was a realistic option for him going forward was to apply. There was no need to get her hopes or anxieties up about something that might not even be a possibility for him. If his application were to be approved - and that was a big if - then he would for sure talk to her about it. He would definitely want her input to make a choice either way.

But none of that precluded him from taking this step that he had already discussed with his wife. In fact, it made Jay feel a little bit more in control, knowing that he wasn’t returning to the CPD out of desperation, or because it was the only thing left for him at this point. Knowing that he had options provided him with a sense of security that he wasn’t being backed into a corner. He had weighed the pros and cons carefully, and with Hailey’s help, they had decided together that this was the best thing for their family going forward.

So he worked through the application with purpose, hoping to make a good amount of progress on it before his eyes grew too heavy and his mind unfocused, as was still happening more frequently than he preferred after his operation. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for him to have a midday nap, but he was hoping to have the application finished by the time Hailey got home. Today was a big step forward for her, and Jay wanted to be available to her without distractions. It also wouldn’t hurt his ego if he had something to show for today; something that had definitely been lacking in his life since his homecoming. He wasn’t ever going to regret his decision to delay his own return to work until Hailey was in a better place, but Jay couldn’t deny that it did leave him feeling a little useless at times. But, fingers crossed, those days were over for them. Hailey would be home in a few short hours to update him on her first day back, and once he completed this damn application, he would be well on his way, too.

Maybe he would take just a short nap before finishing up. That would probably give him the energy he needed to get it done.

“All right, we got three witnesses who say they’ve seen Kat at the convenience store two blocks from Carney’s old hangout, but no one recognizes him. So what’s our nexus? How are these two connected?” Voight was saying it, but they were all thinking it.

“And how do Ralphie and Violet fit in?” Kim asked. “We haven’t been able to find any reason they would have been in Pilsen. Right now their only similarities are cause of death.”

“Exactly. So if Carney’s our guy, there has to be a second in command who’s doing the groundwork. Kevin and Ruzek, I want you to go talk to Ralphie’s parents again. Torres and Burgess, take Violet’s roommate. I want a play-by-play of their movements for the last four weeks, and maybe even before then.”

The hustle and bustle as the rest of the squad mobilized had Hailey feeling unsure what to do with herself. “I’ll scour Violet’s socials again; with as many followers as she has, there has to be someone who knows something. Or do you want me to take another stab at getting a warrant for her ex’s bank records?”

“No, Hailey,” Voight answered bluntly. “It’s two o’clock. I want you to go home.”

“But first, shouldn't I at least-”

“Do I need to remind you of the terms of your return to this unit, Detective Upton?”

Hailey sighed and clenched her jaw. “No, sir, I recall them quite clearly. However, I don’t remember you saying that I would be cut off at two o’clock on the dot every day. Plus, considering that I am making up for missing days earlier in the week, and that we are in the middle of a high-profile, high-stakes case, I thought that you might give me a little leeway.”

“It’s your first day back, Hailey.” Voight’s tough guy demeanor dropped ever so slightly, and he rounded her desk to perch on the edge. “I’m not saying I’m going to kick you out the door at the exact same time every day, but we both know these guidelines aren’t going to mean anything if we start crossing them right away. It’s important that you are able to separate yourself from the job. And if I don’t see that you can do that - if every case you step into starts to consume you - I’m not going to feel any more comfortable about you being here.”

So much for thinking that they had gotten all the awkwardness out. Tears started to pool in Hailey’s eyes, so she kept them turned downward. “And what if someone else ODs tonight?” she asked in a whisper. “Are you going to be comfortable with that?”

“There’s a reason this unit is made up of a team of officers, Hailey. You know as well as anyone how important it is to trust your squad. They’re good police; have a little faith in them, that they’ll be able to fill in any gaps. You did your part today, even if it felt like a bunch of dead ends. Now that we can cross those leads off our list, we are closer to nailing this guy. So now let them do theirs.”

Hailey sighed deeply and nodded, rising from her chair and starting to collect her things. “Copy you, Sergeant.”

But Voight didn’t leave. “Hey,” he said, grabbing her attention once more. “Just remember what we talked about. It has to be this way at first. Just be patient. Come in, keep your head down, and show everyone that you are ready to be back here. And don’t keep questioning my decisions, or else you and I are going to have some problems, you feel me?”

Despite the thinly veiled threat, that drew a smile out of her. “I understand. And I hope you know I’m not trying to be difficult. It’s just… I’m not used to doing things halfway. Especially something as important as this job.”

“I’m well aware. Just remember that there’s a very thin line between dedication and obsession. And as long as you stay on the right side of that line, we’ll have nothing to worry about.”

“I guess that’s one thing you and I have in common.”

“That may be so,” Voight said with a smirk, standing and making his way back to his office, “but I’m not the one on probation. Try and keep that in mind, Hailey, would you?”

“How’d it go?” Jay called a few seconds after she walked in the door. The delay had been enough time for her to realize that she had caught him sleeping, again. Hailey made a mental note to check with Will if it was normal for him to still be so tired days after his operation.

She dropped her bag carelessly on the floor next to the credenza, a move she had perfected over time, stopping herself just in time from reaching to unholster her weapon. Instead, she grabbed just her badge from her belt and set it alone on the smooth surface. “Well,” she said, rounding the sofa and plopping down next to her husband with a resigned sigh, “Voight already got on to me, so I guess it’s just like I never left.”

“What’d you do?”

“Why are you just assuming that I did something wrong? Shouldn’t your default as my husband be to assume that his anger was unfounded and I am completely faultless here?”

Jay tilted his head. “Well… I’m pretty sure you would have come in with a lot more gusto if that were the case. Plus, I’m not an idiot, Hailey. I know you. And I know that all his stipulations are driving you crazy. Color me not surprised at all that you two might have butted heads over that today.”

“You know, sometimes I forget how you made an entire career out of reading people,” she admitted. “It’s kind of scary how spot on you can be. Because you’re right. I didn’t do anything wrong, necessarily. But I protested - respectfully - when he sent everyone else out to interview witnesses and he just sent me home. And he felt the need to remind me that that wasn’t going to fly. Not yet, anyway.”

“But you understand why, right, Hails?”

“Of course I do,” she answered. “That’s why I’m playing along. Just like I have been with every over-the-top restriction any and everyone has given me in the past month. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.” She ran her hands down her face, letting out a groan of frustration before finally dropping them and turning to face him. “But enough about me. How are you doing today? Still sleeping a lot?”

He shrugged. “Not so much. I’m nearly done with my rehire application. And talk about a waste of time; every answer I just wanted to put ‘I swear you guys have this on file already.’ But I just need to dig up and attach a few certification numbers and expiration dates. Then I can submit it.”

“Wow. That’s… that’s really fast.”

“Yeah, well, the application is the easy part. Then I guess they look over my history and experience and whatnot, and if they feel like it’s insufficient, I could have to take some courses at the Academy. And I have to pass the fitness evaluation again.”

That made her laugh. “Seriously? Jay, you could pass that thing in your sleep.”

“Last week I could. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about doing sit-ups anytime soon.”

“You’ll be fine,” she assured him. “You’re still healing, but the surgeon said you would be back to normal in no time. Either way… it sounds like you’ll be back to active duty before I am.” Her words were steady and sure, but an itch was blossoming in the back of her throat that threatened to betray her. So she got up and returned to her bag to finish unpacking. 

“Hailey?” Jay had followed her.

“I’m going to have to get used to remembering to take these dirty dishes out every day. Don’t want to stink up the whole apartment.”

“Hailey.” He was right behind her now, and she had to fight the urge to shake his hand off of her forearm where he gently clasped it. “Talk to me. What was that, back there?”

“Nothing, Jay. I’m just tir-”

“Nope,” he cut her off before she could even finish selling him the oldest excuse in the book, “we’re not doing that anymore, Hailey. If you don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine. Just say so. But please don’t lie to me. Don’t just minimize what you’re feeling because it makes you uncomfortable.”

She bowed her head, uncertain if she was more ashamed of the way she felt or her trouble in dealing with it. After a few deep breaths to clarify her own thoughts, she said, “I’m just being selfish, Jay. I’m happy for you. I really am, and I know this is the right step forward, for you and for us. But it… it just doesn’t feel fair to me. That you chose to leave and will be welcomed back with open arms, and I’m the one who has to prove myself all over again. I’m trying not to think of it that way, but it’s hard.” She gave what she hoped passed as a nonchalant shrug, turning her head to steal a glimpse of his face in the hopes that his expression would give her some hint how to proceed. 

But Hailey wasn’t prepared for the pain that flashed through his eyes, whether it was his own or on her behalf. She left the dishes half-washed in the sink and turned toward their bedroom.

“Wait, Hailey, stop. Please.” The pleading in Jay’s voice was impossible for her to ignore, so she stopped and slowly turned to face him like he asked. He opened his mouth, trying and failing a couple of times to respond before finally throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Look, you’re right. You are. There’s a lot about this whole situation that’s unfair, and I don’t know what to do about that. What to say, how to make you feel better. Because it all does start to ring a little hollow when so much of this is my fault in the first place.”

“Jay…” she warned.

“Not all of it,” he quickly reassured her. “I know that, that what you’re going through is deeper than me. I understand that. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel responsible for fixing it. So when you say that kind of stuff to me, about how unfair it all is… I’m sorry, Hailey, I just don’t have a good response. But I don’t want you to think that means that I don’t want to hear it. Okay? You’re allowed to be upset, and you’re allowed to be jealous. That doesn’t make you selfish. That makes you human. And I know acknowledging those feelings isn’t going to fix anything, but surely it has to be better than keeping them to yourself, right?”

Hailey reluctantly nodded, eyes fixed on her wedding band as her fingers twisted it incessantly. In sorrow and in joy. That was what they had promised to each other in that courthouse all those months ago. And here Jay was, volunteering - no, begging her to let him share in her sorrow. Even if it was temporary and frivolous.

“It is,” she said, looking up at him and taking in his gaze in all its intensity. “It is better. Still not exactly easy, though.”

“I hear it gets easier with practice,” he answered, allowing half of his beautiful smile to peek through.

“Mm-hmm. Have you taken a walk yet today? I need to stretch my legs.” Hailey hoped her transition was smooth enough to feel natural, but it really didn’t matter either way with her husband. He wasn’t going to push her anymore today.

“I might’ve fallen asleep every time I stepped away from the computer.”

She looked up at him again. “You ate though, right?”

“Yes, mom, I did remember to eat.” Jay swung his arm around her neck in what could only be described as a headlock, though he used the position to place a kiss on her temple. “I was being hyperbolic. What say we both go stretch our legs and then we both come back and eat together? Then we will know for sure that everyone is properly exercised and fed.”

“Who knew being married was so much like raising a puppy?” she asked, wriggling out of his grasp to go change her clothes.

“I mean, I could think of several worse analogies.” He followed her, dropping to the bed to pull on his own sneakers while Hailey changed. “But for real, Hailey. Are you okay? Scale of one to ten.”

Hailey thought as she pulled her hair back. “Four? Some fresh air will probably bring me to a six. And if you feed me an impressive enough dinner, I might just make it to an eight.”

“What do I have to do to get you to a ten?” he asked assertively.

She smirked at him. “Let’s revisit that question once your doctor clears you for normal activities. I have some ideas.” 

The expression on his face that he was too shocked to entirely conceal as she walked past him - and the reminder that she still had the capabilities to draw that kind of reaction out of him - was probably enough to bring her up to a five before she even set foot outside. And if that didn’t do the trick, the sound of his eager footsteps as he hurried to catch up with her certainly did.

Chapter Text

Jay knew what she was doing.

And, perhaps more importantly, he knew that she knew that he knew what she was doing.

This habit of hers, of the fight-or-flight instinct kicking in the absolute millisecond that things got a little too real for her, was one that he had become quite familiar with throughout the course of their relationship. And the thing was, she was so bad at it. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Hailey had one of the best poker faces around. She could deflect and disguise with the best of them. But when something did happen to catch her off guard, all of her calm and level-headedness flew out the window. Jay would find it endearing if it didn’t startle him so much. He would never forget how she had panicked the first time he confessed that he loved her; how she jumped out of bed with some sort of flimsy excuse, dug up a reason to get out of the house, and ended up grasping onto the first case she could find as a diversion.

It hadn’t been a stretch then to figure out what was spurring her actions. And Jay had to admit, as they strolled around their neighborhood now, her outpacing him unintentionally and then forcing herself to slow down every so often, that these reactions were becoming much more controlled. At least now, she was talking to him before she took off, helping him understand her instincts. She still felt the urge to run, but at least it wasn’t from him. And if he was willing, she dragged him along with her.

Jay wondered about the psychology of it all. Why a walk around the block, ending in the exact same place they started, was still enough to convince her mind that it was doing something to protect herself. Was the movement just a way to release her excess anxiety? Did her subconscious require her to flee, regardless of what the destination was, as long as she was leaving something else behind? Or was it all just an elaborate distraction, filling her senses with anything besides the problem she was trying to avoid?

He was pretty sure she didn’t want to be this way, and a lot of the time, she wasn’t. Hailey wasn’t exactly a non-confrontational person. So many times Jay had witnessed her pushing back when maybe it would have been easier to give in. She had a strong conviction of right and wrong, and she would go down swinging if it meant getting justice for someone who deserved it. Someone who couldn’t fight for themself.

It was such a painful brand of irony to admit that she fell into that description herself. At least, her younger self did. Which is probably why her current self struggled so much with the dichotomy: she could face off with the likes of Voight, the Ivory Tower, the freaking FBI, to fight for others without batting an eye. But when she was the one who needed protection, so much of her strength wavered, crumbling down into such a fine pulp that it was difficult to detect. It was still there, but smaller and scattered and so much more effort to access. And so, Jay surmised, his wife reverted back to the tried and true methods that had helped her to survive her tumultuous childhood.

She ran.

Only, this time, it was more of a leisurely stroll. But the speed at which they walked didn’t seem to matter. The further they strayed from their apartment door, the easier Hailey’s breathing became, the stiffness of her shoulders lessening with every step she took. Casual walks were definitely not something she customarily partook in, but Jay could tell that she was still getting some benefit out of the light exercise.

Sometimes a change of scenery was all it took.

“Feeling a little better?” he finally ventured as they rounded the block for the third time.

In response, she said nothing, but she did grab hold of his upper arm and rest her head against his shoulder, just for a moment. The position made walking awkward, and if ambling slowly was a foreign concept to Hailey, blocking the sidewalk because she was too involved in a public display of affection was unheard of.

“I just hate feeling out of control,” she said once they were back inside. “Whether it’s anger or anxiety or jealousy… it scares me how easily it can escalate. And sometimes I worry if it’s more than I can handle. I don’t know how much is too much. Or when it might push me over the edge.”

“And removing yourself from the situation helps. I get it, Hailey.”

She nodded. “I know you do. And I know that where we are right now is bound to put us in some weird places. I don’t want to hide from you, Jay. But, I have to admit that, for some reason, everything seems bigger and scarier and… and more important when it comes to you.”

He nodded, walking over to the cabinet to get them each some water. He filled the glasses slowly, giving him some time to get his thoughts in order. “I get that, too. And I think that’s normal. You are the most important person in the world to me. The person whose opinion matters most. So it makes sense that the weight of your… well, your approval, your disappointment, anything like that… that I would feel it more.”

Hailey leaned against the counter and took a long pull of her drink. “Marriage: high risk, high reward.”

“I guess that’s one way of putting it,” Jay laughed. “But it doesn’t always feel so risky anymore, does it?”

She shrugged. “I’m pretty sure I have the ability to identify the risk involved in anything.”

“Yeah, babe, that’s called anxiety. You’re literally in treatment for that.”

He had hoped to draw a smile out of her with that comment, but Hailey just heaved a sigh as she reached to place her empty glass in the sink. “Yeah, but that doesn’t make me immune to it. It does still feel risky sometimes, telling you things that I would prefer to keep to myself. But, so far… it’s turned out okay. The reward has justified the risk, for the most part. But.. There’s just a lot of unlearning for me there, you know?”

“Absolutely, Hailey. It’s about progress, not perfection, right? And you’re making progress, for sure. I’m really proud of you. I know none of this is easy for you. So every time you take a risk with me - make a choice to trust me, even after everything - it means a lot. And I am trying my hardest not to let you down. So any time you need someone to walk with you, or run, or… or do jiu jitsu, whatever. I’m there. No questions, no explanations, no apologies.”

“I don’t know,” she said, finally meeting his eyes just to poke him in the ribs, “you were pretty slow today.”

“I never promised I’d be fast,” he said in defense. “But I was there.”

“Hm,” she answered, “I guess we’re both making progress then.”

For the rest of the week and into the next, Hailey did exactly as Voight had advised her. She showed up to the district early each morning, committed herself to diligently completing whatever tasks she could from her desk, quickly made her exit each day when he bade her to, and was intent on making absolutely no waves in the unit, the district, or the CPD at large.

It wasn’t easy to shift her mind back into rookie mode, but it did help her to remember how that behavior had served her well before. She had known from her first day at the Academy that she was going to have to work twice as hard as a woman to be taken seriously as a police officer. Some might have called it overachieving, some might have called it brown-nosing. But it didn’t take her long to realize that people were going to talk about her no matter what. If the worst thing her fellow officers could say about her was that she cared too much about the job, well, then, that was a victory. So she became a yes-woman, agreeing to almost any and every assignment that came her way, making sure that every ‘i’ was dotted and every ‘t’ was crossed in every aspect of her work. And it paid off, when she was offered an undercover assignment only a year into the job.

And when her sergeant realized how natural she was at making herself invisible (she’d had a lifetime of practice, after all), more undercover assignments followed. A meritorious promotion. A position in Robbery/Homicide. Those were the highlights. There were plenty of lows. But the bottom line was, her strategy had worked. Keeping to herself and doing the job to the letter had helped her to climb the ranks. So she trusted the process, that her commitment and corrigibility would give Voight the confidence he needed to reinstate her sooner rather than later.

But for now, Hailey was reluctant to admit, the limited hours were necessary. She had therapy appointments two afternoons each week, and her therapist was still encouraging her to look into some of the community support groups they had talked about. On top of that, she was supposed to be prioritizing both regular physical activity and proper rest, and Jay’s follow-up with the surgeon was coming up. In fact, she had been so busy that her dilemma about what to do about her mom had been mostly pushed to the back burner. 

That all changed when she checked her phone while leaving the district one day. It was a simple message. Perfectly cordial in word and in tone. And yet, Hailey somehow knew that it meant a lot more than could be easily construed from the words. There was a pressure, an insistence, behind it that reminded her afresh that her mother’s mind was frequently occupied with concern for her.

Just checking in on you and Jay. I hope you are both coping well with everything. I would love to stop by with some more food whenever the time is good for you. Or anything else you might need. Let me know, please. I love you.

When. She had said ‘when,’ not ‘if.’ And Hailey knew she was reading way too much into it, but that word selection was such a subtle key that changed the whole meaning in her mind. Phrasing it like she had a choice, but not really. She could hold her mom at arm’s length, but only for so long.

She contemplated the text for the whole drive home. And by the time she arrived back to their apartment, Hailey had softened her approach somewhat. She had automatically viewed it as a threat, jumping straight to the worst-case scenario, but maybe her mom deserved the benefit of the doubt. After all, the one constant in all of their interactions the past few weeks had been that her mother was worried about her. Hailey knew firsthand how draining, how consuming, that could be. And maybe it was too little too late, and maybe she was worried for all the wrong reasons, but if Hailey had the ability to ease some of that fear from her mother… there was no good reason for her not to, right?

Except there was. She was brimming with memories of times when her trust in her mom was misplaced, or sometimes outright violated. So many times, when she was young and defenseless, the hope that she had placed in her mother had returned to her empty. It had hardened her, left her with a gaping wound and an anger so profound that now it clung to Hailey like a shadow in the late-afternoon sun. But she had spent the last five weeks meticulously separating that shadow from her true self. Zooming in on every last bit of her soul and clipping away the parasitic parts that she had once mistaken for friends. And the more progress she made in therapy, the more it was becoming apparent to her that she was going to have to face this part of her past eventually. It was likely going to be ugly, and it was going to hurt. But the wound had to be dealt with. And the only way to know how bad it was - whether there was possibility for healing, or if it required amputation before the poison spread - was to remove the proverbial bandage and look.

“I’m going to meet up with my mom this weekend,” she announced without preamble as she entered the apartment.

“You what?” she heard Jay call from the bedroom. She quickly kicked off her shoes and went to find him. He was in the middle of the floor, surrounded by messy piles of paper.

“I’m going to meet my mom. She offered to bring us food, but I’m not sure I’m ready to have her over here yet. What are you doing?” She got it all out without missing a beat.

He looked up at her, one eyebrow raised, clearly taking inventory of her body language to ensure it matched the words she just uttered. Once he was satisfied that her statement wasn’t coerced, he answered her. “Well, you’re not going to believe this. But I heard back from the CPD that my application was approved. And of all the certifications and qualifications that I held, the only one they don’t have a record of is marksmanship. So if I can’t find a hard copy, I’m going to have to retake that course.”

Hailey sat down with him, moving a stack of documents to make room. “Ummm… Didn’t you have some kind of award or medal for that? You were basically a sniper. They don’t have that on record anywhere?”

“Nope, not for that specifically. But yeah, I always assumed my skills were documented somewhere. But,” he gestured hopelessly to the disarray surrounding him, “it’s looking like maybe that’s not the case.”  

“How long would it take to repeat the course?”

“Hopefully only two days. A week at the most. But still. Feels like that would be a waste of time, no?”

Hailey flipped through some of the papers nearest her. It was a good twenty minutes of them both going through the forms before she got discouraged. “Maybe we should buy a filing cabinet. That’s how adults organize their important documents, right?”

“You mean you don’t like my shoebox system?” Jay asked, shoving the forms back into the cardboard box. “Now, what about your mom? Did something happen?”

Hailey shook her head. “Not really. She texted me. At first, I got really nervous and defensive. I haven’t answered yet, but it’s starting to feel like I’m not going to be able to get out of this. And, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good thing.”

Jay focused on getting all the papers back in the box before looking at her without any distractions between them. “I do think it’s a good thing, Hails. You’re facing your problems head on. But it does make me a little nervous for you to hang out with her. I’ve seen how she affects you, and, well… I just want to make sure you’re prepared for this. That it might not be easy.”

“I know it won’t be easy,” she objected, reaching out to help him stand without agitating his stitches. He was moving around mostly like normal now, but excess pressure to his torso could still be painful. “I think that’s why it’s important that I do it now, while I’m still kind of in ‘everything is terrible’ mode. I need to find out just how much I can let her - let them - affect me. I guess I’m hoping that I can at least figure out if it’s salvageable. Or if I need to just cut my losses and let them go.”

Jay nodded, a knowing look in his eye. “Isn’t it crazy just how much of a hold they can have on us after all these years? I wish I had had the courage to confront my dad like that before he died. It probably would have been a disaster, but then at least, I would have known.”

“That’s kind of where I am,” she admitted, stacking the shoeboxes in the corner before collapsing onto the bed. “It’s like, right now, I have the worst of both worlds. All the negative memories I can’t let go of, but essentially no relationship with them. If we are somehow able to mend things, maybe we can have some sort of normal bond. And if it goes terribly… well, then, at least I can feel confident that removing them from my life is the right decision. But it feels impossible to move in any direction the way things are right now.”

Jay lay down beside her, threw his arm over her middle, and buried his nose in her hair. “I’m so sorry, Hailey. None of that should fall on you to fix.”

“Mmm,” she murmured in agreement as her fingers scratched lightly at the base of his neck. 

There was a peaceful silence for a moment, until Jay voiced another concern. “I can’t believe you’re on our bed in your outside clothes.”

“Sorry, Jay,” she laughed. “I wasn’t thinking. But if it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t out in the field. These clothes remained firmly inside the district all day.”

“I guess that’s a little better,” he agreed. “But I know what goes on in that squad room; I’ll be sure to wash the linens tomorrow.”

“I am going to miss having you as a househusband once the CPD gets their claws in you again. Almost makes me understand why men were so opposed to women joining the workforce in the first place.”

“You and I never would have met, though.”

“Listen, I’m not saying I agree. Just saying that I get it,” she explained.

He propped himself up on his elbows. “I bet you would be singing a different tune if you were the one expected to be at home all day.”

“Oh, for sure. That’s why I’m so thankful that I have you to wash my bedsheets for me. Otherwise, it would probably never get done.”

“You’re disgusting,” Jay declared, but he leaned in to kiss her all the same. “But I love you.” 

“Even though I’m a terrible housewife?”

“Oddly enough, that was never even a consideration when I was falling in love with you.”

She smiled. “I guess I got lucky, then. Because I love you, too. Way more than I ever thought was possible. But I do have plans with another man tonight.”

“Is that man Torres?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Then I’m not worried.” He kissed her again, then grabbed her arm to coax her up. “Go, hang out with another guy, beat the crap out of each other. As long as you come back home to me after.”

“Always,” Hailey promised. “You never have to worry about that.”

“You avoiding me, Upton?” The voice was sharp and clear as it chased her down the back stairs.

“Of course not, Trudy,” Hailey answered as she turned to face her desk sergeant. “I know that wouldn’t be possible, so it would be foolish to try.” She climbed back up to the landing so that they were on the same level.

“Uh-huh,” Platt said, narrowing her eyes. “So it’s just a coincidence that you’ve been coming in early and then sneaking out the back each day?”

“Trudy. You know where I work. I am quite literally limited to my desk, it’s like a twelve-square-foot area where you have to look for me. I’ve been coming in early because I know that staying late isn’t an option. And the main entrance, well… It's just a little crowded sometimes.”

“Okay, if that’s your story. Just felt a little weird that you’re back in the house and I haven’t run into you yet.”

“Well, I figured you and Voight were in regular communication about me, anyway, while I’m still on ‘probation,’ or whatever. But things have been going fine. You would know if something was up.”

“Damn straight, I would,” Trudy agreed. “And don’t you forget it. But can we just all agree that if you were struggling in any way, I would prefer to hear it from you, and not him.”

Hailey let out a reluctant sigh and sank to sit on the top step. “It’s not like last time, Sarge. You don’t have to wor-”

“If the next word out of your mouth is ‘worry,’ so help me god, Hailey…”

“... work. I was just saying that you don’t have to work so hard all the time?” She couldn’t help the smile that escaped her as she heard herself try unsuccessfully to persuade Trudy.

“Nice cover,” Platt said as she plopped on the stoop next to Hailey. “Because that’s the thing, Upton: I’m not ‘worried,’ per se, about you being here, but I am cautiously and optimistically concerned. And what concerns me the most is your tendency for avoidance. Everything’s not great right now, so acting like it is just makes me wonder if you’re reverting right back to your old ways. I’m not saying that you are,” she clarified when Hailey opened her mouth to protest, “I’m just saying… it’s hard for us, as your superiors, to assess your progress when you keep everything to yourself.”

“You want me to complain more? Because that’s what I’m hearing.”

“I want you not to brush it off every time someone exhibits concern for your wellbeing. After everything that’s happened in the last couple months, at least extend me that courtesy, will you?”

Hailey nodded. “Copy that, Sergeant.”

“I am confident that you’re making important strides, Hailey. But just remember, we can only measure your true progress if we have a clear picture about where you started. Okay?”

“I hear you, Trudy. I do. It’s just…” Hailey twisted her fingers while she waited for the right words to come to her.

Luckily, Platt found them for her. “It’s just incredibly difficult for someone who has internalized everything for lord knows how long to just open herself up like a book. And not everyone deserves to hear the story, anyway.”

“Yeah,” Hailey said with a note of finality.

“As long as you’re opening up somewhere… that’s what matters. I won’t pry. But I want you to know that I am trusting you to be honest with me about this job. If it affects the people who work in this district, then I need to know. Other than that… if there’s anything else you need to talk about away from work, over some coffee or a strong whiskey, I’m up for that, too.”

Hailey smiled as she rose from her spot on the stairs. “That’s good to know, Sergeant. And I was being honest before: I would never try to avoid you.”

“Because you know I would hunt you down.”

“Well, that. And also because,” Hailey shrugged, “I like being around you. I think you and I have a lot in common.”

“Back at you, kid. Now, help me up. We may have a lot in common but you definitely have the edge when it comes to agility. And Myers has been manning the desk for five whole minutes now, so we’re lucky the building’s still standing.”

“Good-bye, Sergeant Platt. See you tomorrow?” Hailey asked as she left.

“You better.”

“What are you so nervous about? This is just a follow-up.”

Jay was positioned on the end of an exam table inside a chilly doctor’s office. “Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one Dr. Vireen cut open. And you’re not the one whose professional aspirations are at stake.”

Hailey shot him a look from across the room.

“Okay,” Jay acquiesced. “I guess maybe you know what that feels like. But you know how much I dislike hospitals. I shouldn’t have to justify my nerves to you.”

“Sorry, Jay. I meant that to come across more positively. Like, ‘what is there to worry about? You already did the hard part.’ I guess I need to work on my delivery.”

He hung his head as he responded, “Yeah, maybe.”

It had been a long afternoon. The first available appointment for his two-week follow-up with the surgeon just happened to be late in the day Wednesday. That meant instead of going for a relaxing warm beverage to decompress after their first session of couples counseling in a few weeks, they both had to rally and book it across town to make the second appointment. 

Therapy was a little rocky. A lot had happened since their last visit; some of it good, some of it not necessarily bad, but confusing at the very least. It seemed that they both had grown comfortable shelving certain issues until they could address them in counseling, hoping that time and renewed perspective would make them easier to address in a neutral environment. But in reality, that looked a lot like avoidance, and it meant that they came in with a laundry list of half-finished conversations and feelings they had been carrying around until they found a secure place to put them down. It was discouraging to realize that they were still dysfunctional in some of their coping mechanisms, because they had been doing so much better about accessing their emotions and sharing them with each other. Jay thought their return to therapy would feel like a triumph. Instead, it felt more like it just highlighted how very far they still had to go.

He would have loved to have some time to think over some of the points Marcella had laid out. To contrast them to his own opinions, to ask Hailey what she thought. But he had to shift almost immediately into compliant patient mode, which was difficult when his defenses were still on high alert. And it became evident that Hailey was struggling to switch her mindset, as well. She claimed her question was meant to be supportive, but from his vulnerable position as the one on the exam table, it felt more like an accusation to Jay.

However, once the doctor came in, and with a few focused questions and a little pressing on his abdomen declared him good to go, Jay felt his stress level dissipate considerably.

“You were right,” he admitted as they walked back to the Jeep. “I think I was more worked up about this appointment than I realized.”

“That’s not what I said, Jay,” Hailey answered with an audible sadness in her voice. “Clearly it came out wrong. I apologize. I just hate to see you worry about something unnecessarily. But I didn’t mean to imply that your concern wasn’t valid.”

“Thanks,” he said, climbing into the passenger seat. “I appreciate it.”

They were halfway home before either of them spoke again.

“How antsy are you to get back into the gym?” she asked.

“You eager for a pit stop?”

“Not in these clothes. But maybe, in the future, you and I can start going together. Especially since, you know, we won’t have as much time together at work as we’re used to. Maybe we can be workout buddies.”

He thought about her proposal for a few minutes. “Might not be a bad idea. It feels like we’re already having a little trouble finding common ground. It’s going to be hard, Hailey. To stay committed to talking and prioritizing our relationship once we get back to normal. It’s tolerable, you know, now that we’re in a point of transition. I’m not sure how it’s going to look once we both go back to work. Once we find whatever our new normal will look like.”

Her voice was much quieter when she said, “Are you having second thoughts?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, Hails. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’ve never had a second thought about anything when it comes to you. I just think today reminded me that it’s not always going to be easy. It felt like we were doing so well, but today, not so much. I guess I’m just having a difficult time with that.”

“Well, not to sound too entrenched in therapy-speak, but I keep hearing people say that healing isn’t linear. Bad days happen.” She shrugged. “Hopefully that means that tomorrow will be better. We just have to ride it out until it does. As long as we ride it out together, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m not going anywhere, Hailey.”

“Me neither, my love. You’re allowed to have bad days. And I really am sorry that I didn’t pick up on that sooner, and I’m sure my lack of sensitivity made it worse. In my defense, I was coming straight from a heart-to-heart ambush from Platt in the district stairwell. Next time I’ll be sure to check and make sure my sarcasm meter is turned back down before I interact with normal people. Especially with you.”

Jay nodded, his hand involuntarily migrating over the console to loosely interlock his fingers with hers. She returned a quick squeeze before continuing. “What can we do tonight that would make you feel better? I was picturing something along the lines of practicing sit-ups until our muscles tremble, a greasy sandwich from Portillo’s, and then watching the White Sox game until I fall asleep beside you. But we can do anything you want.”

He couldn’t help but smile. His wife knew him too well, and if this was the evening she had orchestrated even before their challenging afternoon, then he had nothing to worry about.

“Nope,” Jay answered. “No deviation from plans needed. That sounds absolutely perfect.”

Chapter Text

“Jay?”

There was a beat before Hailey heard a quiet “yeah?” come from his side of the bed.

“Are you sleeping yet?”

“No,” he answered, his grin nearly audible as he put his hand out to find hers in the dark. “What’s on your mind, Hailey Anne?”

She felt him clasp aimlessly at her t-shirt in search of her fingers, but instead of giving them to him, Hailey scooted over until she was practically burrowing into his side. “I was just thinking about what Marcella said today.”

“Which part?”

“The homework part,” she answered.

The afternoon had been one of the busiest they had had in a while, and that meant they hadn’t really had a chance to discuss their earlier therapy session. Hailey had hoped that they could touch base with each other on the way to Jay’s post-op appointment, or maybe even while they waited to see the doctor, but Jay was rather distant and terse. She knew it was from anticipation of the appointment, and not anything to do with her or their couples’ counseling, but it still left her feeling uncertain and cut off.

Hailey had tried to put her own feelings aside to be present for Jay; this appointment was a big deal, after all. But she hadn’t been able to keep some of her annoyance from exhibiting itself, and Jay was in no position to have extra patience with her. They were both on edge and out of sorts when they finally made it out of the medical center, but she was proud that they were both willing to talk about it. To air it out, sit in the discomfort, and focus on solutions. There really weren’t any concrete solutions, since the grievances had been based mostly on their respective heightened emotions, so the focus of the evening was on connection and repair. And Hailey didn’t regret it, because the palpable tension between them had disappeared as the night wore on. But now, as her body readied for sleep, her mind was finally dissecting all the information that had been presented to them earlier.

“Oh, right,” Jay said. “Remind me what that was?”

Hailey ran her foot up and down his shin. “We’re supposed to practice expressing gratitude. Three things we’re grateful for each day.”

“Well,” Jay answered, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am grateful to feel your ice-cold feet on my side of the bed. That was one thing I missed the most in Bolivia. Whenever I was trying to fall asleep, I would always think about how you have to rub your feet together like a grasshopper to fall asleep, and - if we’re close enough - you rub them on me, too.”

“I don’t have to do that!” Hailey objected. “It just feels nice.”

Jay chuckled. “I don’t know, Hails. I think you do it a lot more than you realize, and usually only until you’re good and tired. It’s like a self-soothing technique, or something. And I’ve always found it adorable.”

“Okay, what’s your second thing?”

“I don’t think so, ma’am,” he protested. “It’s your turn, and you’re the one who brought it up, so I have to assume you have an answer ready.”

“You would think,” she said. “Does it count if I piggyback off of yours? And say that I appreciate that you let me use your legs to warm me up?”

Jay thought for a moment. “I think that still counts. We’re describing the same thing, but the aspect that we appreciate is specific to each of us.”

She hummed in satisfaction, moving impossibly closer into his side, the faded scent of his body wash permeating through her haze of distracting thoughts.

“That all you got? Because I’m no math genius, but pretty sure that was only one each. Or did you just use that as an excuse to get close to me?”

“I don’t need an excuse to get close to you, dingbat. You’re my husband.”

She felt more than heard him laugh in response. “Have I ever mentioned how grateful I am for the loving nicknames you give me?”

“That doesn’t count.”

Jay yawned, stretching his arm out under her neck and turning to a more comfortable position. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re making these rules up as we go along?”

“I’m new at this,” she said by way of explanation.

Jay must have accepted her response, because there were several moments of calm in which she was sure he began to doze off. But then, with a single word sharp enough to cut through the silence, he brought her back to the surface. “Hey.”

“What?” Hailey asked.

“You stopped. Rubbing our legs together.”

“Is that okay?” She was confused, not sure what he was getting at.

He was quick to reassure her. “Perfectly fine. But I just wanted to point it out to you. That I was right: you stop once you’re ready for sleep.”

“Okay?”

He sighed. “Never mind. Go to sleep, Hailey.” She felt his lips press softly into her hair. But before they both submitted completely to the pull of slumber, he added one more final thought. “I know you, Hailey. I know you, and I love you, and I don’t want you ever to forget either one of those things.”

If he had been hoping that words like that would lull her to sleep faster, he was wrong. For sure, there was a sense of security to be found in them. But even with Jay, someone who she knew better and trusted more than anyone else on the planet, there was a certain burden that walked right alongside the pleasure of being known, being understood. But it wasn’t just about being known. Known and loved. For many years, it seemed to Hailey that those two were inversely correlated. That the more someone grew to know her, the less love they felt for her. Or maybe that was just a story she had made up about herself to explain away the fact that the ones who knew her best, who were supposed to love her the most, always seemed to be the ones to hurt her the most deeply.

Jay was the obvious exception to that rule. Or rather, he had been. But the realization struck Hailey like a bolt of lightning that maybe that was why his abandonment had shattered her so much more than either of them thought it would. By leaving, he confirmed one of the worst things Hailey believed about herself. That she could settle for being loved or being truly seen and known. But that she would never, ever be able to have both from the same person.

That belief was wavering. Slowly. Deliberately. Systematically. Certainly not without a good bit of effort and outside interference. And Hailey was reluctant to jump headfirst into such a drastic about-face after allowing it to burn her so badly the last time. But little by little, piece by piece… that she could manage. So the fact that Jay had the confidence to say it out loud - to declare it with his whole chest and give name to the advancement they had made in the last couple of months - it didn’t frighten her in a way it once might have.

Jay knew her. Just like she knew him and so many of his own little quirks. Like the way he always had to stand if the sporting event he was watching got too intense. Or how he would peek under his hamburger bun before taking a bite to ensure that the pickles were evenly dispersed. Or that he kept his hair so short not because it was tidy, but because he absolutely hated it when it was long enough to fall into his eyes. 

Yes, she and Jay knew each other. She and Jay loved each other. But Hailey knew that already. That was like saying the sky is blue and water is wet. Two unrelated facts that are still both undoubtedly true.

“I won’t,” she finally promised. “And I love you, too. You know that, right?”

“I do. Aren’t we lucky how that turned out?”

Hailey murmured in agreement, an internal sigh of relief overtaking her as she turned over in Jay’s arms. “The luckiest.”

Jay awoke with a start three minutes before his alarm was set to go off. He wasn’t sure what had roused him so thoroughly; nothing was amiss. It was quiet, peaceful even. Hailey dozed beside him, her mess of hair splayed across her pillow while she snuck a few more minutes of rest before her own alarm would go off twenty minutes later. After another brief survey to ensure that all was well - no distant gunshots, no smell of smoke - Jay made quick work of canceling his alarm and exiting the bed quietly enough not to disturb his wife.

They had settled into a comfortable morning routine in the few days since Hailey’s return to work and their slow return to normality. Jay had always been an early riser, even before the military hammered the habit into him, so he took advantage of his natural tendencies in order to make their mornings run more smoothly. He turned on the coffee maker and got the skillet heating on the stove before wiping the sleep from his eyes. She would come out and steal a sip or two of coffee before retreating back into the bedroom to shower and dress. And then Jay would fix whatever breakfast struck his fancy while she prepared for work, so it would be ready in time for them to have a quiet moment together before she bolted off to the district.

It was so very different from how they did it before. The two of them clambering over one another in an effort to get out the door. They would have been lucky to grab a travel mug full of coffee as whatever case they were working took the forefront of their minds. To an extent, both of them thrived on that level of chaos, the gratification of the work they accomplished nourishing them just as much as a full night of rest and a complete breakfast ever would. The high of the job carried them, but it also set them up for a bigger fall. That life was exciting, but it wasn’t sustainable. They were still trying to find their balance, but Jay figured a nutritious breakfast was always a good place to start.

He was just finishing up chopping the vegetables when Hailey appeared, the imprint of wrinkled sheets on the side of her face a giveaway to how soundly she had been sleeping. He brushed the last of the peppers into a bowl before setting down the knife and reaching his arm out for her. Wordlessly, she drew to his side and wrapped her arms around his middle. A little hum of contentment escaped when Jay squeezed back.

“Good morning,” he muttered. “You sleep okay?”

“Mm-hmm. You?”

“Not sure,” he answered. “Might have had a nightmare right before I woke up, but I don’t remember it.”

Hailey leaned back a bit to look at him. “Something on your mind? Are you worried about your meeting at headquarters today?”

“No, I don’t think so. It just felt like something startled me awake. Not sure if it was real or in my sleep. Or just my brain playing a trick on me.”

“What do you need?” Her hand up and down his arm was a soothing reminder of her presence.

Jay smiled at his wife. “Nothing. Except maybe some coffee. I’m okay; it was just a weird way to wake up. I appreciate it, though.”

“Is that your second thing?” Hailey unwound herself from him and made her way to the coffee maker.

“Sure, although that feels like a given.” He poured the eggs into the pan and started to form an omelet. “But I am always grateful for your concern.”

“Except for when it involves going to the hospital.”

“Nope,” he countered, “even then. I may not appreciate the outcome, but I appreciate you.”

“And I appreciate you making me breakfast.” She set her only slightly used mug down to use again after her shower. “Eggs?”

“Omelets,” he corrected. “Western okay?”

She sent him a thumb’s up. “Yes, sir. You all right if I go shower?”

“Go right ahead. Probably could use one.”

She narrowed her eyes at him as she walked back to the bedroom, but they were still so puffy from sleep that it barely made a difference.

“Hey, Jay?”

“Yeah?” he called back without turning away from the stove.

“I really am grateful that you’ve been making me breakfast. I mean, I like Frosted Mini Wheats as much as the next girl, but you’ve really been spoiling me.”

Jay turned to look at her then, shrugging self-consciously in her oversized pajama t-shirt. He replied, “Well, I would never try to compete with Frosted Mini Wheats, but I’m glad to do what I can. Besides, the last thing I want is for Platt to call me up and scold me for sending you in to work underfed.” He kept eye contact with her just a second longer than necessary before turning back to the stove. “Now go, or else you’re going to be late, and then she’ll lay into me for that, too.”

Even though he had told Hailey that he wasn’t worried about his appointment at police headquarters today, Jay felt a tickle of trepidation in the back of his throat as he made his way into the building. It had been just about a year since his last time walking through those halls, though his purpose then had been the exact opposite of what he was here to do today. Turning in his badge had felt like cutting off a part of himself, though it was a part he hadn’t recognized anymore. That had changed in the intervening months, and he felt more confident this time, more self-assured, about the decision he was making.

He had double and triple checked, with Hailey’s help, to ensure that he had photocopies of all the necessary documents he would need for his background check and medical clearance. The police department was nothing if not thorough, and it felt like a small binder of forms that Jay had to submit to various departments within the building. But finally, it seemed that the paperwork monster had been temporarily satiated, and all that was left for today was getting his fingerprints. That was a mindless task that he was confident he would pass, so he was much more relaxed as he waited for his turn at the scanner. He took the opportunity to check his phone.

I am grateful that you bought barbecue flavored potato chips this week! Like, super grateful.

Seeing a text from Hailey during the middle of her workday was not a common occurrence, despite her limited duties. She had made sure to check in on him regularly for the first few days she returned after his surgery, but it was certainly not like how Jay had pictured it: her twiddling her thumbs at her desk and texting him frequently. It hadn’t taken long for them both to realize just how much unrestricted detective work involved in-house activities. The Intelligence unit had adapted quickly to shift a good portion of that work onto Hailey. They had been running with a smaller squad than ever during her absence, and having her around to contribute what she could was a welcome change for them all. It had made Jay nervous, at first, that they were piling too much on her too soon. But, to his - and surely everyone else’s - relief, Hailey was doing just fine. It didn’t leave her a lot of free time, though, and it was rare for her to message him about anything other than the essentials until she was done for the day. So Jay shook his head in amusement as he wrote back.

I have noticed a disturbing trend that the majority of your gratitudes are food-related. Should I be concerned that I might be replaced by a restaurant?

“Halstead?” A voice called, leading him back for fingerprinting before Hailey had a chance to respond. It was a quick enough process, and before he knew it, he was making his way out of the building, feeling much lighter for having accomplished those tasks. Now there were only two more steps to complete before his conditional offer of employment would be formally made, and they both had been pushed back because of his recent surgery: the fitness test and drug screening. So he had two more weeks to ensure that his strength and stamina were up to snuff and that his system was completely clear of opioids. Jay was pretty sure the latter was already true, but he was advised to take the allowed time anyway to avoid any complications down the line.

He took out his phone again once he was on the elevator.

Unless you find a restaurant that also scratches my head while we’re watching TV, I think your position is safe. Everything going all right at headquarters?

                                   Yep. Everything submitted. I’ve been granted an extension for the fitness eval and drug test, so still a couple more weeks until I’m in for sure.

The elevator dinged at the ground floor, and Jay made his way toward the exit. Hailey responded before he got to the door. He stepped to the side to reply.

Oh, that’s good. Although you probably don’t need that long. You did like fifty sit-ups last night. 

Yes, but not fast. And I’m feeling it today. At least I’ll have something to work on while I’m waiting.

You could work on our homework assignment. By my count, I’m winning, 3-2.

He read her answer while he made his way through the revolving door and onto the sidewalk. It made him chuckle. His wife was nothing if not direct.

Something tells me that assignment was not meant to be a competition between us. But just in case, I guess I should make sure to keep up.

Jay paused where he was walking, then turned to take in the building he had just left. It wasn’t overwhelming by any means, especially in a city full of skyscrapers. But it represented so much for him. It had loomed large in his mind these past few weeks, ever since he made the decision to return to the department. It looked smaller than he remembered. He took a deep breath and typed out his reply to Hailey.

I am grateful for second chances.

He punctuated his thought with a heart emoji, something he rarely did. Then, with a sigh of resolution, Jay locked his phone, put it in his pocket, and started the walk back to his truck.

This was a bad idea.

Hailey must have said that to herself twenty times on the ride up to Lake Forest. Another three as she looked for parking at Market Square. And once she got out of her Jeep and made a beeline for Talbot’s, it kept trying to come up again, but she shoved it down. The ball was already rolling now, and acknowledging whether or not it was a bad idea wouldn’t make any difference at this point.

Her mom had wanted to do lunch. But the thought of sitting trapped in a booth, with nothing to do or say or look at or focus on besides each other (and possibly a mediocre chicken caesar wrap), was enough to make Hailey want to bail before anything had even happened. So, instead, she offered to come up to one of the few places that she knew held good memories for both her and her mother. The fact that it was a large, sprawling shopping center, where they were both liable to have their attention pulled in multiple directions, and they could talk about insignificant matters like fashion and gossip, was just a bonus.

At times, Hailey felt like she lived two different childhoods: her early years in Greektown, that were marked by simplicity, sacrifice, and frugality while her family worked to get the diner up and running; and her life after the move to the suburbs, once her parents finally decided that their business venture had been successful enough for their lifestyle to reflect it. And although they never said so out loud, Hailey had been old enough to recognize that the decision to relocate to a safer area came soon after the horrific incident when the restaurant had been robbed. She found it ironic, even then at the tender age of eleven, that her family was willing to uproot their entire lives to escape potential violence when a much greater, more consistent threat resided within their four walls, regardless of what neighborhood they called home.

She hadn’t hated the move, though. The bigger house and her own bathroom were huge selling points, but it was more than that. Her life in Greektown had been small. She remembered feeling like her neighbors and classmates and friends from church all came from the same little pool. Everyone seemed to know her parents, and by extension, her; and if she had an identity separate from them as a child, she wouldn’t have been able to tell you what it was.

But despite the close-knit community her family experienced with others of Greek ancestry, Hailey had learned at far too young an age that some things were to be kept within the immediate family. That had resulted in a lot of confusion for her, never being certain of how much to say or whom to trust. Everytime she set foot outside of the apartment door, she was playing a role, but the external version of herself was bland and lifeless. She spent so much of her childhood just trying not to draw attention to herself that sometimes it felt as if she didn’t exist at all.

She had been ready to start over, to give herself a chance to see who she would become without the external pressure of her surroundings or the internal pressure from within her own home. Of course, neither of those changed. Her environment sure felt different, but being thrust into an upper-middle class school district right on the cusp of adolescence was anything but freeing. The weight of fitting in became the most important thing - especially if she was still trying not to stand out. Because, despite her hopes and prayers, nothing had changed at home. The extra space and nicer amenities had done nothing to curb her father’s appetite for the drink. So the role playing continued; it was just a different role. So Hailey was still careful at school. Friendly and nicely-dressed enough not to be ostracized, but not so bubbly that people would be drawn to her. No one could get close enough to expect to come over to her house, not even for an afternoon but definitely not sleepover level.

It had been such a complicated line to walk. High school was a little easier, once parents were taken out of the socialization equation for everyone. But Hailey still felt like she always had a wall up, never could completely show her true self to anyone.

It explained a lot about her.

As she walked into the department store, bracing herself for impact and narrowing her eyes to look for her mother, she noted that it was amazing she was able to make any kind of intimate connections at all. Just the memory of it - stronger now that she was in the very same shopping center she and her mother would visit on weekends, both to play their role and also as a reason to get out of the house - exhausted her. It made her so thankful that she had managed to work around at least some of that baggage in her marriage.

She would have to remember to tell Jay she was grateful for that tonight.

It didn’t take her long to spot her mom in the handbag section, and after an only-slightly-awkward hug for a greeting, they began to peruse the aisles together. This particular store had always been a bit mature for Hailey’s tastes, and that hadn’t changed now that she was much closer to the target demographic than she had been as a teen. But she was more than happy to give her input to her mom, relieved that her strategy of deflecting attention from herself seemed to be working.

But after they were done in the clothing store, her mom suggested Starbucks, and it didn’t take someone as experienced in detective work as Hailey to know that getting coffee was code for shifting the conversation to something more personal.

She was well within her rights to balk. They had spent close to an hour shopping; a perfectly acceptable time frame for a maternal bonding session. And she had plenty of excuses she could fall back on. But the annoying part of Hailey’s brain that pointed out facts when she wanted to be irrational reminded her that there was a purpose to this visit, and it had not yet been accomplished. So Hailey gave in, accompanying her mother into the dim coffee shop and surrendering herself to whatever discomfort was going to come from it.

“Decaf?” her mom asked once they settled in some chairs at the back of the store. “That doesn’t sound like the Hailey I know.”

And just like that, her mom opened the door. Now, how far through it she wanted to go… that was up to her.

“Yeah…” Hailey explained, looking away as she admitted the next part. “My doctor recommended that I lighten up on the caffeine.”

“How much have you been drinking that you’ve gotten a doctor involved?” her mom asked with a smile on her face. She was teasing. Joking.

But Hailey was tired of playing roles. “The caffeine is just one of many things we’re monitoring. I… I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately, and it just exacerbates it, so… I’m trying to cut back.”

“Anxiety about what?” Her tone was casual, but the way she kept Hailey’s eyeline as she brought her cup to her mouth gave her away.

It was now or never. “Mom… you remember, at the hospital, when you said that I didn’t seem like myself?” 

“I do.”

“And do you remember that I said maybe I would be able to talk to you about it someday?” Hailey brought her hand up to her forehead to rub it. Just rub it, Hailey. DON’T scratch. Not here. Not now.

Ioanna nearly made her jump out of her seat when she grabbed her wrist firmly and pulled her hand away from her face. There was going to be no more hiding. “Hailey, what’s going on? Please, just tell me, and I promise I will help you however I can.”

“You can’t, though.” She let out an exasperated laugh as she leaned back in her chair. “That’s the thing, Mom. I’m not sure I should tell you because it won’t do any good. In fact, I think there’s a very good chance that you won’t like it. That it will hurt you.”

Her mom whispered, “Is it Jay?” And the fact that she didn’t have to say more, that they both knew good and well exactly what her mom was asking with those three basic words, broke through whatever reserve Hailey had remaining.

“No, it’s not Jay, Mom! It’s you! And Dad! And the fact that I never even felt safe in my own home growing up, and how that has me completely messed up even twenty years later!”

Her mother startled at the rise in volume and quickly looked around to ensure no one was paying too much attention to Hailey’s damning accusation. “Hailey! We’re in a public place! And,” she continued, voice gentler now that Hailey was finished, “you’re not messed up, astéri.”

“How would you know?” Hailey exclaimed, finally releasing the words that she had been holding onto for weeks. “You literally just asked me to tell you what's going on with me, but when you don’t like the answer, all of a sudden your maternal instinct tells you that I’m wrong?”

“Please calm down, Hailey. I know you don’t want to make a scene.”

“You have no idea what I want, Mother.” The vitriol was impossible to ignore but her voice was much more controlled. “You never have, and I’m starting to feel like you never will.”

“Don’t say that, Hailey,” Ioanna pleaded. And there was a heavy, unbearable silence that nearly crushed them. Her mom finished the remainder of her coffee, and Hailey expected her to toss it in the garbage and then leave. Instead, she pushed the empty cup out of the way and folded her hands on the table. “I think you choose not to see it, but I do have enough self-awareness to understand that the conditions of your childhood weren’t… ideal. But holding onto that disappointment, blaming everything wrong with your life on your difficult upbringing… that’s always going to end in disaster, astéri. Nothing is perfect, but you’ve done all right for yourself. As have your brothers. I really wish you would find a way to let this go. This grudge isn’t worth the damage it’s doing to your soul. To our family.”

Hailey bit her lip as she considered her mother’s stance. In some ways, that was much more than she ever thought she would get from either of her parents, but it was still woefully lacking.

“I almost killed myself.”

It was hard to say which of the two women was more shocked to hear those words come out of Hailey’s mouth. It had been referenced, alluded to, woven through and underlying almost every step she made in the last two months. But this was the first time she had ever said it out loud, so bluntly, so directly. Hailey didn’t like the way it tasted coming out, and the look of misery she saw on the face across from her confirmed that it hurt no matter which way it was consumed.

In an effort to squash the now-blazing fire she had inadvertently started, Hailey searched for the words to further explain. “I didn’t. Obviously. But I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten when Jay left. I had been relying on him a little too much for my own happiness, and I couldn’t cope when he was gone. I put on a good act, for a while. Even fooled myself. But one night… it just all came crashing down on me how nothing mattered. I didn’t care about anything, and it didn’t feel like anyone cared about me. And I felt like there was one clear, obvious way out.” She gave a little shrug, using the chance to swallow back the tears forming in the back of her throat.

“That was at the beginning of August,” she continued. “I spent some time inpatient and have been doing a lot of therapy since then. The doctor said… he said that the circumstances of my childhood and the symptoms I was experiencing painted a pretty clear picture of PTSD. And I’m learning just how much I was shaped by the things that I grew up believing were normal. They’re not,” she finished in a whisper, the tears threatening to overtake her voice.

Hailey reached across the table to put her hands over her mother’s where they still sat folded, as if in silent prayer. “I know it wasn’t your fault. You were just as trapped as we were. I know that. But… it happened, Mamá. It did happen. We can’t keep pretending like it didn’t. Or that it was okay. And acknowledging that is how I am learning to let it go.” 

She should have expected the silence that followed. If the roles were reversed, if Hailey had been the one to hear such unexpected news thrown at her in the middle of a Starbucks, she probably wouldn’t have known what to say, either. But somehow, coming from her own mother, the lack of immediate response felt harsher than any words would have been. Surely the magnitude of what she had just confessed should provoke some kind of response from the woman who claimed to love her more than anything in the world.

At last, after what felt like an eternity of Hailey staring intently into her mother’s eyes for any sort of flame, Ioanna pulled her hands from where they rested beneath her daughter’s. “Oh, Hailey,” she mumbled, her polished exterior slipping away as she finally gave a quavering voice to her thoughts.

Maybe it was the tremble in her tone. Or maybe it was the way her eyes now pierced Hailey’s, as if boring into her brain to scan for any other hidden nuggets of information. Or maybe it was the underlying fear that her mother would find a way to trivialize the darkest and most shameful thing Hailey had ever admitted to her. But, regardless of why, Hailey suddenly realized that she didn’t want to hear whatever her mom had to say in response.

“I’m okay, Mom,” she insisted, trying to instill a lightness in her voice that was anything but natural. “I will be.”

“No, you’re not,” her mom said, a hint of anger flavoring her words. “How can you sit there and tell me these terrible things, and then expect me to believe that you’re okay?”

“What does okay even mean, anyway?” Hailey asked, her own exasperation showing now. “You knew I wasn’t; you said so at the hospital. But you still got in the car and drove away without looking back.”

“Because you told me you were! Because every time I see you, every time I talk to you, you make it clear that you don’t need any help from anybody. You work so hard to keep us at arms’ length that I don’t even know when my own daughter is in trouble.”

Hailey’s voice was surprisingly quiet when she replied, “And why do you think that is, Mom?” The shadow that passed over Ioanna’s face made her instantly regret the words. She knew she was being severe, but she also knew this conversation was a long time coming. But Hailey didn’t want her own need for vindication to override her sympathy for her mother. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. “Look. I’m sorry, Mom. I know all of this is hard for you to hear, and I’m not trying to make it worse. And I don’t really have any good answers for you. I can’t just snap my fingers and change the way I feel. And I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have any anger towards you. I know that’s not fair, but it’s the truth. But the reason I’m here today… Why I think it’s worth it to tell you all of this now… is because I am trying to work through that anger. I don’t want it to be this way between us. But I also can’t keep pretending that everything is fine when it’s not.”

She took a pause to swipe a finger under each eye, hoping to remove any signs of undue emotion. “I know it’s a lot to hear. Maybe I should have written you a letter, given you some time to absorb everything before we talked about it. I am sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, Mom, but I love you too much to keep hiding this from you any longer. And I hope… I don’t know. I just hope this doesn’t change the way you feel about me.”

“It changes the way I worry about you,” her mom said with a sad smile. “And you’re right, that maybe a little time to process would help me answer that question. But it doesn’t change the love I have for you, Hailey. I don’t really know what else to say. I love you. I always will. And so does your father.”

Hailey’s palms were already sweating, and the mention of her father only increased how flushed she was feeling. She ran her hand up and down the fabric of her jeans. “I’m not ready to talk about him.”

“Okay.” Her mother gave her a knowing nod. “I won’t mention any of this to him, then.”

“I don’t care what you tell him,” Hailey said nonchalantly. “And I’m not in the habit of encouraging people to keep secrets from their spouses. Just do what you need to to keep yourself safe, please, Mom.”

Ioanna stood and started to collect their garbage. “And what about you, astéri? Are you safe?”

“I’m not actively suicidal, if that’s what you’re asking. We were taking lots of precautions in the beginning, but I really haven’t had any thoughts about hurting myself since those first couple of days. Now I’m mostly back to normal, except at work.”

“And Jay knows?”

“Yes, Mamá. Jay knows. And he is just as overbearing and attentive as you would want him to be. It’s hard for him sometimes, but we’re working on rebuilding trust between us.”

It wasn’t until they were walking back to the parking lot that her mom brought her father back up again.

“It has been better with your father, you know, since his bypass surgery. I guess you could say we’re rebuilding trust, too. It’s amazing how much difference it made when he stopped drinking.”

Hailey grimaced. “I guess it's good to know that he could kick the habit once it was his own health he was jeopardizing. If only he had found that inner strength thirty years ago.”

She expected some sort of admonishment from her mom, but none came. It felt strange, speaking the truth out loud, rather than in hushed tones and furtive glances. But she refused to carry the shame anymore; it had never been hers to bear in the first place.

“Here,” Ioanna said once they reached her car. She handed Hailey a large paper shopping bag. “There’s something for you in there, and something for Jay. And you.”

“Okay…” she peered into the bag, “the loukoumades are to share, and…” She reached into the sack and pulled out a small pile of books. “American Girl books?”

“Yes. Kirsten,” her mom confirmed. “The Blooms had a yard sale the other week, and I saw them, and I thought you might like them. It’s silly, but I know she was your favorite.”

Hailey was struck with an intense memory she had long forgotten, a brief but dedicated phase of her childhood when the only books she would bring home from the school library were American Girl ones. They were short enough that she worked her way through them quickly, bouncing from one historical period to another with ease. It was true that Kirsten was the one she was most drawn to, the one she reread more than any of the others. And maybe, under other circumstances, it wouldn’t have felt quite so poignant - the fact that somewhere in the corners of her mom’s mind, she still kept track of things that mattered to her daughter. But today, under the cool autumn sun, the breeze whipping Hailey’s hair into her own eyeballs, the realization hit her in just the right spot to trigger a flash of emotion.

But she forced herself to hold it off, at least for a couple moments longer. If she had been able to make it through the whole afternoon thus far without breaking down, she knew she could go a few more minutes. She bade her mother goodbye, uncertain whether they could call today’s meeting progress or not, but at least relieved that the truth had been revealed. Ioanna was probably still too in shock over the whole thing to know exactly where she stood, but it felt like they had landed in a safe place. So Hailey gave her mother a hug, promised her that she was together enough to drive home safely, and then made her way a few rows over to her own vehicle. And it was only once she was secured in her Jeep, doors locked, loukoumades deposited safely in the passenger seat, that she put down her head and wept.

Chapter Text

Her phone was ringing. She didn’t hear it at first, but Hailey wasn’t sure if that was because the sound of her own crying made it difficult to hear or if she had completely zoned out. Either way, she pulled herself into a sitting position and reached up to grab her phone from where it was tucked into her bag.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting in the shopping center parking lot. As she had suspected, once the tears started falling, there was not much she could do to keep them from coming in rapid succession. They had been hot and urgent, born of anger and resistance and whatever poison had been brewing inside of her for literal decades. There was no stopping them, but Hailey didn’t even bother trying. She needed to let it out, and the idea of trying to keep the desperate sobs and frantic tears from escaping felt like an impossible task, one that would do her far more harm than good.

Hailey wondered if she might have actually fallen asleep, still feeling disoriented as she went to answer the call. She remembered the decision to crawl into the back seat at some point, feeling vulnerable and exposed as she sat sobbing in the driver’s seat. There was more privacy in the back, more space for her to curl up into a ball and fall apart in relative obscurity. It felt safe, but seeing her husband’s name on her phone screen told her that she might have gotten a little too comfortable.

“Hi,” she answered, not bothering to try concealing the weariness in her voice.

“Hey, Hails. You doing all right?”

She heaved a deep sigh and ran her hand through her hair. “Yeah. I’m fine, Jay.”

“You sure? Because the app has been telling me that you haven’t moved from the parking lot in the last 49 minutes, and I was starting to get a little worried.” His voice had that little lilt to it, his signature sassiness just detectable enough to signal to her that he wasn’t upset. But if she’d been sitting here for close to an hour, then he surely had reason to voice his concern.

“No, I’m okay,” she reassured him. “Just… needed a little time alone after talking to my mom.”

Jay must have heard something in her tone that he didn’t like. “Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, Jay. Please don’t read too much into how terrible I sound right now. I don’t need a chaperone, and I wouldn’t ask you to come up here just to pick me up.”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. And I’m serious, too. I’ll do it.”

Hailey pulled at the handle to exit the car, but it was locked. “I know you would, Jay. And I appreciate it. But I don’t need you to.” She debated whether it would be easier to reach the unlock button or just climb over the seat again. The opted for the latter, but soon regretted it when she smacked her head on the top of the Jeep.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” she answered him, settling back into the driver’s seat. “Just rearranging in the car a little. My mom made you loukoumades.”

“Are you trying to distract me?”

“No, I just saw them and was reminded. Give you something to look forward to.”

There was a beat of silence before Jay responded. “Hailey, I’m trying to trust you when you say you’re good, but you sound a little scattered, and I can tell you’ve been crying. And I’m kind of worried about you being alone right now.”

“You don’t need to be worried, Jay. Not that worried, anyway.” She stared out the windshield. “It was a difficult afternoon; I don’t think that’s surprising to anyone. But I’m fine to drive. I’ll stop by the gas station for a cold drink, and be home within the hour. That sound okay?”

“Under one condition: you pull over and call me if any of that changes.”

“Copy you, Halstead. But I’ll be fine. I just lost track of time, is all.”

The lightness was back in his voice as he said, “Okay, Hails. I’m going to hold you to that. And if I don’t have a Greek pastry in my hand in exactly sixty minutes, I’m notifying the authorities.”

“As long as it’s not Intelligence,” she muttered as she put the key in the ignition.

“Oh, Voight would be my first call. Closely followed by Platt. So you’d better drive safely.”

Hailey snorted. “You sure know how to threaten a girl into not getting abducted.”

“And they say romance is dead.”

Hailey didn’t know where to go from here.

She had taken a huge, gargantuan step in telling her mother the truth about what had been going on with her for the last few months. But nothing had changed. Nothing felt different, except the perpetual knot in her stomach that she had been tending to in the days leading up to their meeting had loosened considerably. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but returning to their apartment for a normal, unremarkable Saturday evening wasn’t it. And because it felt like something inside of her had shifted, it was unnerving to realize that the mundane familiarity, rather than soothing her with its consistency, left her feeling somewhat off-balance.

She tried not to read too much into it, knowing that feelings would fade and perspectives would change with the passing of time. But Jay was on high alert the minute she walked through the door, and as much as she wanted to ease whatever nerves he was feeling on her behalf, she couldn’t. She resigned herself to the knowledge that they would both have to sit in the discomfort, until either it faded or they grew accustomed to it.

So Hailey tried to lean into it, settling in with Jay to watch the White Sox game like they would do on any other night. But by the fourth inning, she wasn’t feeling any more settled, and she got up to take a shower. If anything could relax her tense muscles and frayed nerves, surely the heat and steam of a good shower would do the trick. But the setting Hailey usually used didn’t feel nearly warm enough, so she turned the nozzle almost all the way up. The white wafts of steam billowing throughout the bathroom told her the water was plenty hot, but it didn’t register on her skin as she stood beneath the spray. 

It started slowly. The itch faded so subtly into existence that Hailey ignored it at first, as she breathed in the mist swirling around her. She worked quickly to scrub the day off of her, but no matter how many times she ran the soapy loofah over her skin, she still felt its remnants clinging to her like moss to a tree.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Talking to her mom was meant to make her feel better, or at least more certain, about where they stood in relation to one another. She had hoped that their afternoon together would at least give her a roadmap of where they went from here. Instead, she felt more like a boat that had been hastily pushed out to sea: bobbing along, with no clear direction or destination, just a vague idea of where she had started and a firm sense that she was no longer there.

She turned the shower handle to a hotter setting. Her skin was already turning pink from the heat, but maybe a little extra warmth would satisfy that tingle blossoming beneath her skin that she could no longer overlook.

He wasn’t drinking. Still. Hailey had been skeptical that her father would abide by that particular stipulation from his cardiologist once the immediate danger of his heart attack had passed, but her mom had sounded confident when she mentioned that little tidbit. And while it made Hailey genuinely happy for her mother, that she was in a safer and more stable environment, it felt like an ice pick to the heart to realize that her father was capable of change; it was just that his children - the physical and emotional wellbeing of her and her brothers - had never been a strong enough motivator.

She didn’t want to think about him.

The itch was much stronger now, much more difficult to resist. Hailey dropped the loofah and just went at it with her fingernails. She clawed at her shoulders and back, making pass after pass until she knew all the dead skin was long gone. It started to burn, but she welcomed that pain because it overpowered the ungodly prickling. Once the sting of the hot water over the angry and raw skin on her back started to dull, her fingers sought fresh skin to explore. The tender flesh on the inside of her forearm called to her. It was so smooth, so pristine, so contrary to everything that she was feeling inside that it practically ached to be likewise mutilated.

So she got to work. Hailey felt the immediate relief that came once her fingernails made contact with her already reddened forearm, easing away the gritty feeling that had been growing beneath her skin. Only it wasn’t enough. For a moment, it seemed to mitigate that pang, but it was fleeting, and the only sensible solution was to go at it harder, faster, stronger. She whimpered in frustration, ferociously tearing at her own skin in desperate search of a respite that was nowhere to be found. 

That didn’t keep her from trying. 

Somewhere, in the recesses of her mind, was a voice telling her to just stop. But that logical thought was drowned out by the ever-increasing urgency in her gut that was on the brink of consuming her entirely. And it was only once her eyes caught sight of the pink-tinged water going down the drain that she finally admitted to herself that this was a battle she was going to lose. No matter how she looked at it, no matter which way things ultimately went… she lost. 

Seeing the stream of blood trickling down her arm caused her a brief panic, but it also provided Hailey with a clarity that had been lacking from the moment she pulled the books out of the bag her mother had given her. There was no magic solution to be had tonight, and the closest she was going to get to victory was in admitting defeat.

She quickly turned off the scalding water and grabbed the nearest washcloth to stem the flow of blood that she had unintentionally drawn. “Jay!” Her voice broke on the word, and there was no way he could hear a plea so weak. Hailey pinched her eyes shut, cleared her throat, and tried to summon her husband once more.

The game was a snooze fest. It was still 0-0 going into the seventh inning, and Jay wasn’t sure he had it in him to make it all the way through. Hailey had already given up and was in the shower. An early bedtime certainly wouldn’t be amiss after the full day she had experienced. She had been somber and quiet all evening, disclosing very little about what went down between her and her mother. It made him regret not pushing back more when Hailey insisted she was fine to go alone. He knew this was a private and deeply personal matter, but he still wanted to be close by if and when she needed someone to walk alongside her through the murkier parts. Although she was getting better at vocalizing her needs, it was still an area where she struggled. It didn’t take a genius to understand that she was in a fragile state of mind right now. So, when he heard the water cut off in the shower, he decided he would join her in the bedroom. He figured she could use a little extra support tonight.

That suspicion was confirmed when he heard her calling his name frantically from the bathroom. Jay nearly tripped over his feet in a rush to get to her. But it didn’t feel fast enough when he whipped the door open and saw her exiting the shower, still soaking wet, while she clutched at her right forearm.

“Hailey!” he gasped when he saw how rapidly she was breathing and the distant look in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

She drew in a shuddering breath. “I can’t… I need your help.” Then she removed the towel from her arm, showing him the angry and excoriated skin she had been covering.

“Okay, Hails.” He had no idea how his voice was as calm as it was, but he urged himself to remain that way as he cautiously approached her. “It’s all right. Here, let me see.”

“No!” It came out as a sob, and she sank to the floor in frustration. “That’s not…” She shook her head. “I’m just feeling out of control right now.”

“It’s okay, Hailey.” He grabbed a towel from the rack and knelt a couple feet in front of her. “You are, a little bit, right now, but it’ll be okay. I’m perfectly in control, and I’m right here with you.” He offered her his hand. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself, and I’m going to stay here with you until you feel better. Okay? Now here, hold my hand, and take a nice slow, deep breath.”

She gave a valiant effort to do what he asked, huddled naked on the bathroom floor, but her breath was coming in uneven gasps. Her eyes were screwed tight in concentration, but they didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, and she still held her arm protectively around her middle, allowing him no more contact with her than the hand she clutched tightly around his own.

“All right, Hailey, just sit tight. I’m going to get your anxiety meds.” 

But her hold on his hand didn’t loosen. Instead, she just shook her head, eyes still pinched closed as she focused on her breathing. At last, she settled enough to attempt some sort of explanation. “I told her I didn’t want to talk about him,” she half-sobbed.

Jay had a pretty good idea whom she was referencing, but he knew there was a lot more to the story that he wasn’t privy to. So he didn’t push. Just continued to be present with Hailey while she came down from her anxiety attack. “And you don’t have to, okay? Just concentrate on breathing. It’s just like what we do after I have a nightmare, right? Just ride through it until your body stops trying to react to whatever feels threatening in your mind. Just hold my hand and breathe. And remember that it won’t last forever.”

At last, after what felt way too long but was likely only ten or fifteen minutes, Hailey seemed to extract herself from the haze that had been holding her captive. She finally released his hand to run hers through her sopping hair, and then eagerly accepted the towel he wrapped around her. He helped her run it quickly over her body, the goosebumps now evidence that she had been left in this state for far too long. It wasn’t until she was bundled up in her pajamas under a blanket on their bed that Jay asked to see her arm again.

Hailey was reluctant, but cooperatively pulled her forearm out from where it had been cocooned in the smaller towel. There were a few spots of blood on the towel itself, but her arm didn’t look as bad as he had feared from her initial reaction.

“It doesn’t look so bad, Hails. I can tell you were scratching the hell out of it, but the skin is barely broken in a couple of places. I think the blood mixing with the water probably made it look worse than it was.”

She nodded, her other arm slung across her face, covering her eyes. “I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to stop,” she admitted quietly.

Jay wasn’t sure the best way to respond to that. He was still a little disturbed by the events of the last hour, but he wasn’t about to say that to Hailey now. He was careful to keep his voice level as he responded, “I could tell. You were pretty freaked out. I’m glad you called me. You shouldn’t go through stuff like that by yourself.”

She said nothing in return, only increasing his concern.

“Look, Hails. I’m going to go get you some water, and then I’ll wrap up your arm. Okay?”

He took his time gathering the supplies. Why was he so shaken by this? Jay knew that it had been a hard day, and he knew ups and downs were normal. Why was it so frightening to witness his wife in such a state? He took a few moments in the kitchen to regulate his own breathing before returning to the bedroom.

Hailey balked at the ice water, but he insisted. “Uh-uh, Upton. You know the rules. You have an anxiety attack, you have to hydrate. Those things will freaking drain you, if you let them.”

“This coming from the man who was trying to drug me thirty minutes ago?”

He didn’t respond until she took the glass and drank a decent portion of it. “You mean your prescription medication that’s whole purpose is to help you calm down? Forgive me for offering it as a suggestion to help you calm down.”

“It’s just a tool,” she explained, setting the glass on her bedside table and leaning back into her pillow. “I didn’t need it today.”

“I guess you’re right,” Jay conceded. “You okay if I look at your arm?”

He sensed her hesitation, but Hailey did move over and allow him to prop her forearm on a pillow on his lap. Jay worked quickly but gently, painfully aware of how irritated and tender her skin was. He was relieved that there were only a couple of small spots where she had managed to draw blood; he had imagined a different scenario entirely when he saw her exiting the shower clutching a towel around her arm. Memories invaded his mind of her making sarcastic comments about razor blades, and much more serious comments about how she experienced similar feelings of hopelessness during her teenage years. It had been a major sigh of relief when he realized that this wasn’t that, but now he was a little confused. Was it that different? Did it matter? How exactly did this happen, and why?

His inability to answer those questions scared him more than anything. He knew that Hailey had the answers, but she wasn’t in any state to be pressured into them tonight. But she seemed okay now; at least in a way where he wasn’t worried about her immediate safety. And, he reminded himself, she had once again made the choice to sound the alarm about her distress instead of suffering in silence. Knowing about her struggles was better, for them both, than him being blissfully unaware that they were happening.

So Jay focused on the things he could address tonight, and he dressed the subtle wounds on his wife’s arm. Dollops of ointment. A few bandaids. A soothing cream rubbed over the rest, with some gauze on top to keep it from getting everywhere. It was quiet and oddly intimate, the only sound coming from either of them when he would give her a brief warning that something might be cold or sting a little.

He had just about given up on getting any significant response from her tonight when she spoke. “When I was little, around five or six, we went to visit my great-aunt and uncle in Peoria. We usually went to visit them every other summer or so. My brothers and I loved it there, because they had a pool. Plus, they never had kids, so they really doted on us. Anyway, this one particular summer - it was the year I was learning how to swim - I tripped on their deck stairs and ended up with a splinter in the palm of my hand.” She lifted up her hand and showed him. “Right there. It hurt like hell, and I was pretty shaken up from the tumble anyway. So when my mom took me inside and explained that she was going to have to use a needle to get it out, I lost it.”

Jay held his breath. Even before the story went anywhere, he knew that this was a big step for Hailey. He could count on one hand the number of specific childhood anecdotes she had shared with him throughout their relationship, and those that had made the cut were humorous or fond recollections. He had finished his ministrations to her arm, but he kept his hand where it was lightly grasping her wrist, not wanting anything to spook her from finishing what she started.

“I mean, I was really freaking out,” she continued. “In hindsight, I can say that my response was a little disproportionate to the situation. But I was young. I didn’t know what a splinter was, and I didn’t understand that my mom coming at me with a needle was supposed to help. So I was screaming, loudly enough that my dad came in from outside. My mom asked him to help her hold my hand still.” Hailey paused, and there was a waver in her voice as she went on. “But instead, he smacked me across the cheek. Hard. Like, it left a bruise. And he told me that I was acting like a baby, and everyone could hear me crying, and I was ruining everyone else’s afternoon. And then he told me to sit still and be quiet while my mom dug it out or else my aunt and uncle wouldn’t invite us over anymore. So I did.”

Luckily for Jay, he thought it best to remain quiet, because he was seething with a silent rage that he would have been unable to conceal from his voice if he tried to speak. He knew. He had known for years that Hailey had been repeatedly hurt at the hands of her father, but hearing this specific example made it real in a way that overwhelmed him. She had been so young. So vulnerable. So afraid. And the very people who should have been her safe harbor in those scary feelings just made it worse.

She went on, eyes focused on the ceiling now. “That was one of the few times he hit me in the face; he was usually careful to avoid marks where they couldn’t be easily covered. But it didn’t matter, because everyone just assumed I hit my face when I fell. So no one said anything. No one did anything. And I didn’t set foot in that pool again for the rest of our trip. And the next time we went back, a few summers later, that’s all I could think about. It ruined one of my favorite places. I think that’s what I hate the most: my childhood wasn’t a nightmare. There were plenty of good parts, but they’re all tainted. I mean, just before that happened, he was in the pool playing with us. Splashing around, throwing us in the deep end, cheering for me every time I made it from one side to the other without my floaties. It had potential to be one of my happiest memories. But he ruined it. He told me it was my fault. It was his.”

Her voice had taken on a hardness now, but her face was still surprisingly stoic. “My mom said he’s been a lot better, ever since the doctor told him to cut out the alcohol. But… he wasn’t drunk that day. We were guests in someone else’s home, for crying out loud. He should have been on his best behavior, and it still happened. You can only blame the alcohol for so much. But liquor doesn’t completely change a person’s disposition. It just exposes what’s underneath. And I don’t know what to do with that, Jay. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how that can be someone’s first response to a child. Any child, but especially your own. I thought it was normal. But now I just can’t stop thinking about how Adam or Kevin would react in that situation. What they would do to anyone else who dared to treat Makayla or Vinessa that way. And I can’t make it make sense. And the harder I try, the worse it hurts.”

There was another loaded silence as she gathered herself. Jay knew they were to the point in the story now where some encouraging words would be appropriate, but he was still at a loss as to what to say. There was nothing he could say or do to rectify a thirty-year-old hurt that was popping up to plague Hailey tonight. All he had to offer was his presence and a listening ear.

“What are you thinking?” Hailey was the first one to break the silence, her question signaling that she had reminisced as much as she was going to tonight.

Jay couldn’t think of any answer that was even close to sufficient to match the magnitude of what she had just shared. He opted for honesty when he said, “That doesn’t matter right now.”

She turned her head to meet his eyes, really looked at him for the first time since she arrived home that afternoon, and raised her eyebrows at him.

Jay gave in with a long sigh and checked to ensure his grasp on her hand was still gentle. “Don’t get me wrong, Hailey. I’m really glad you told me that story. You don’t deserve to have to cope with that kind of pain all alone, and if I can help you carry it, I’m happy to do that.” He paused, analyzing his words once more before sharing them. “That doesn’t mean that it’s not hard for me to hear, though. Because you’re right; the thought of one of our friends treating their kid like that is preposterous. I would arrest them myself if I ever got wind of anything like that, and I’m not even a police officer anymore. Or yet. Whatever.” He took a breath after stumbling on his words, then took the opportunity to move his hand from her wrist to brush her damp hair from her forehead. “My point is, it makes me sick to think that anyone ever regarded you with so little respect. And it makes me angry. But I’m trying hard not to let my feelings get out of control, so I can focus on you and what you need right now. And I’m sorry, Hailey, but I have no idea what that is. So can you just do what you’ve been doing all night? Just be brave, and honest, and tell me what you need?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, but the tears were persistent right behind the admission and broke through her attempt to be strong. 

Jay didn’t think his heart could break into even tinier pieces, but seeing and hearing Hailey in such a vulnerable, distraught place struck him right to the core. And he couldn’t help but to imagine a six-year-old Hailey in a similar state, bruised and broken, frightened and betrayed by the people who were supposed to protect her. So it was by instinct more so than logic that Jay moved to comfort her like he would a child: gathering her up into his arms, murmuring reassurances softly in her ear, leaning to drop a gentle kiss to the areas that had once been marred by pain - first to the palm of her hand, then to the apple of her cheek. There was no way for him to fix the past or make up for lost time. He was never going to be able to change what happened to Hailey during her youth. But until either of them could identify exactly what steps would aid her as she worked to alleviate the agony churning inside of her, Jay was going to shower her with love in any way he could. And he only hoped that the aching child that was still hidden in the innermost depths of Hailey’s heart could draw a little bit of hope and healing from his meager offerings.

Chapter Text

It was bright when Hailey woke up. Too bright.

The sun shining through the skylight above her was far too high in the sky, and a quick peek at her phone confirmed that she had slept half the morning away. Jay had been right about how exhausting an anxiety attack could be. And the Xanax she eventually took when her racing mind kept her tired body from giving in to the pull of sleep probably didn’t help. But Hailey couldn’t deny that the combo had given her a good night’s rest. Maybe it was just the contrast to the turmoil she was in last night, but she felt relaxed and strangely content as her body made the gradual transition into wakefulness.

It had been a rough night. Hailey glanced at her arm, still bandaged nearly from her wrist to her elbow, despite Jay’s claims that there hadn’t been much damage. She carefully unwound the gauze, eager to assess it for herself. But he was right. Almost all the redness from the night before had faded, only a few scratch marks and the three bandaids left to remind her of what she had done. She had been too caught up in her own panic to worry about how Jay interpreted her actions, but in the clear light of day, that was all she could think about. He must have been alarmed, too. But that didn’t keep him from tending to her, body and mind. He had held her close until her tears dried up, and when it became clear that sleep was still eluding her, he lovingly coaxed her to reconsider her refusal of medication. And then, once she willingly took the pill, her husband grabbed one of the books her mother had sent her from where she had set them on the dresser and began to read it to her.

And she wasn’t sure if it was the familiarity of a story she had read dozens of times before, or just the soothing calmness of Jay’s voice, or maybe just her medication finally kicking in - but when she finally gave in to the sleep calling her name, she gave in completely.

Yes, it had been a difficult night. And Hailey knew there was no coming back from the side of herself that she showed her husband last evening. But, in a weird detour from her expectations, there was no embarrassment about her behavior. And while she hadn’t assumed Jay would be outright critical of her, his acceptance and steadfast presence even while she was spiraling down hard was like a balm to her soul. And the tranquility surrounding her in the air, now, hours later, was almost enough to convince her that what happened last night had been a good thing.

Almost. Because she was only half of this equation, and she wasn’t about to give any final declarations until she and Jay had a chance to rehash everything in the harsh light of day. She was mildly surprised he wasn’t still in bed beside her. But the bedroom door was open, and if she tried, she could make out the sounds of him puttering around out there in the living room. He had left her to her rest, but he definitely didn’t stray too far. 

After lazing about a few minutes longer, Hailey dragged herself out of the comfort of her bed. As she approached the living room, she could hear Jay’s rhythmic breathing coming out in small grunts that indicated he was doing some form of exercise. And sure enough, there he was, stretched out in front of their massive window, doing push-ups. He was still in his pajama pants but had done away with his shirt entirely, and the amazing view of the Chicago skyline was only a backdrop as her eyes were drawn to the way his back muscles rippled in coordination each time he lowered his torso to the ground, only to push it right back up.

He didn’t hear her, but he noticed the movement when she walked over and made herself comfortable on the sofa, stopping immediately to right himself and look her over. “Hey,” he panted, “how are you feeling?”

She just smiled at him. “Don’t stop on my account. I was enjoying the view.”

“Yeah. Well. I’ve got to make sure I’m in top form by next week. Just trying to increase my stamina. So.” He shrugged. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Why don’t we go to the gym?” Hailey suggested.

He tilted his head and gave her a pointed look. “That also was not an answer to my question.”

“Would you believe me if I said I feel pretty good?”

“I would, actually. You’ve been asleep for almost eleven hours.”

“Great,” she stood from the sofa, “then let’s go to the gym. Give you a chance to practice the whole circuit.”

“Wait, Hailey,” he said, confusion poking through his voice. After a moment where they just stared at each other in question, Jay said, “You should really eat something first.”

“I can just grab something to go,” she waved away his concern, returning to the bedroom to dress. “Unless you’re telling me every single one of those loukoumades is now gone.”

“They’re not, but that’s not exactly a substantial breakfast before a workout.”

“Then why don’t you make one of those disgusting protein shakes?”

“They’re not disgusting,” he argued, trailing her into the bedroom. “It’s not my fault that whey tastes like old milk.”

“Sounds like you’re contradicting yourself, there, Halstead.”

“And it sounds like you’ve been trying to change the subject all morning.”

Hailey was silent for a moment, rifling through her drawer for a long-sleeved workout tee. When she finally found one that would work, she slammed the drawer closed with a flourish and turned to face her husband. “Look, Jay. I’m sorry about last night. That’s… I didn’t mean for that to happen. I know it worried you, and I’m not naive enough to believe that I can convince you not to be worried still. I had a bad night, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a good day.”

He still looked wary. “So there’s not anything else I need to know about?”

Hailey tugged on the shirt and began gathering her hair for a ponytail. “Jay, I’m not sure how to answer that. You know that… I hope you know that I’m not in the habit of keeping things from you. And maybe what happened last night is a good example of why I can’t just open up about everything all at once. I’m still kind of trying to figure out how to face these things without letting them get to me. Obviously, last night, I failed.”

“You didn’t fa-”

“No, listen, Jay.” She heaved a deep sigh as she finished tying up her hair, then looked at him straight on. “It got the better of me last night. It was hard, and ugly, but we made it through. And I wasn’t lying when I said I feel much better this morning. Does that mean I’m still processing everything? Does that mean that we can put this one on the shelf and forget about it? I don’t really know. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m still kind of figuring this out as I go along. But I have no intention of hiding things from you. I also hope last night can be a good reminder of that. It made everything more bearable when you were there.”

She could see Jay swallow the lump in his throat as he nodded. “That’s fair. And, just to be clear, I am still really glad that you let me know, and let me help you. And I, personally, don’t consider that a failure at all.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, uncertain herself which of a multitude of things she meant in the simple expression of gratitude. The green of his eyes was unbelievably soft as she reached up to brush his sweaty hair off his forehead. He was definitely overdue for a trim. “Now, how about you put a shirt on, Mr. I-have-a-six-pack-three-weeks-after-surgery, and make me one of those nasty shakes, and we go put our frustrations to good use. How’s that sound?”

If ever Jay needed a reminder that Hailey loved him, she would point to the fact that she voluntarily spent thirty minutes running indoors on a treadmill with nothing to look at but the wall in front of her and the numbers on the display keeping painstakingly slow record of every step she took on the glorified conveyor belt. How anyone in their right mind could consider this an enjoyable form of exercise, she would never know. But eventually her agony came to an end, the despicable machine beeping once she reached her target distance. She felt certain that she could have gone twice as far outside, but the stats on the screen indicated that she was only a little slower than her usual pace. 

Then they did a circuit on some of the machinery, trying their best not to hold up other gym-goers with their tendency to tease and challenge each other with just one more rep or five more pounds. Hailey could feel her muscles protesting, but she couldn’t bear to subject herself to the treadmill again when Jay decided to end his session with a little more cardio. So she meandered over to a punching bag and started taking some swings at it. She didn’t have any gloves, so it was a little halfhearted, but it still felt good to release some tension in the form of smacking something.

Somehow, Jay’s second turn on the treadmill seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, and before she knew it, he was on the other side of the bag. He held it in place, calling out advice and encouragement while she kicked at it. She was getting pretty amped up, and it wasn’t long before she was yearning to go out on the mat and fight for real.

“Exactly how recovered from surgery are you?” she asked, blowing a stray piece of hair out of her face.

“Probably not quite recovered enough to face all of that,” he responded, gesturing towards her general direction as an explanation. “You’re very feisty today, and I would hate to get reinjured with my fitness eval just around the corner.”

“Coward,” she said, but she betrayed her own exhaustion by leaning over with her hands on her knees to catch her breath.

He laughed, though whether at her or at himself, Hailey couldn’t tell. “Come on. Let me get a few more sit-ups in, and then we can head home?” 

Instead of heading back toward the equipment, Jay opted to finish up in the stretching area off to the side of the combat room, since it was less crowded. Hailey knelt on his feet to provide counterweight, quickly moving to sitting on them when the momentum from his movements nearly knocked her over. She lost count when he got to forty, but he kept going. No one would ever accuse her husband of giving up when things got hard. She was full of pride for him and all the effort he was putting in to making sure he presented the best version of himself to the CPD. But as she sat, close enough to hear his every exhale, feeling his body move fluidly beneath hers, Hailey became aware of another sensation burning low in her belly. One that being in close proximity to Jay had certainly ignited within her many times before, but had long been absent in the months of their separation. She had almost forgotten how wonderful it felt, to have every fiber of her being vibrating in excruciating desire for the man that she loved so deeply. She had been waiting for it - searching, really - ever since that day weeks ago that she blew up at Jay, aired an entire marriage’s worth of grievances, only to have him reaffirm that he was in it for the long haul.

This had been a long time coming.

How very unfortunate that it was hitting her now, in a public place full of people, where she had to practice immense caution in how she chose to act on it.

Hailey was fairly sure that Jay had no idea where her head was, but the fact that he chose to halt his workout, resting his forearms on his knees as he caught his breath, did nothing to stave off the hunger growing inside of her. He was so close, his bowed head just mere inches from hers, that she could connect the dots of every freckle on his face if she wanted to.

But she had much bigger plans than that.

She leaned forward, pressing herself against his shins. “Jay.”

At her summoning, he looked up, taking in one last big gulp of air before she kissed him. It certainly wasn’t the first time they had kissed in recent weeks, but the way that his lips moved - tense, at first, from the surprise contact, but then quickly transitioning and softening to accommodate the longing quality of hers - told Hailey that he was aware, too, that this kiss was something more. Something greater.

She sought him fervently, hands sliding up his sweaty knees to tangle in his hair, while her lips continued their diligent delivery of her craving to him. And it all came back to her in a flood of memories: the scratchy feeling of his stubble against the corners of her mouth, the sound of his tempered breathing as they found their rhythm, the disappointing taste of air once he pulled away to gather himself. And then, the openness and love in his eyes as they scanned hers, constantly monitoring her for cues to ensure he hadn’t gone too far.

He placed his forehead against hers. “Hailey?”

His eyes were so bright, it almost hurt to look at them. “Do you love me, Jay?” she whispered.

“With my entire being.”

“Then will you take me home and show me?”

There was a palpable charge between them while they piled in the truck and began their trek toward the privacy of their apartment. The spark in Hailey’s eye didn’t diminish once they had separated, but the overwhelming buzz Jay had felt from the activities she initiated started to level off once he exited the gym and felt the brisk air of reality on his face.

He had lost his head a bit in the wave of feelings that her kiss had brought up; it had been far too long since he and his wife had spent time learning each other so intimately because there had been so much unresolved tension hanging in between and around them. And Jay had to admit that there was still plenty of that going on. In fact, the rapid fluctuations in Hailey’s emotional state made him suspect that her intentions might be misguided. He wanted to show her just how much he loved her, in any way that was available to him. But he couldn’t ignore the fact that he wasn’t positive what had driven Hailey to make her offer, and the last thing he wanted was to act in a way that either of them might regret at some point down the road.

It was hard to focus on that, though, when her fingernails lightly scratched a trail of mysterious messages seductively across his thigh.

“Hailey?” he started.

“Mm-hmm?”

He hesitated. “I really don’t want you to take this the wrong way. But I think we should check in a little with each other before we get too far.”

The gentle scratching ceased. “You’re still worried,” she stated rather than asked.

“I just…” He gestured vaguely while he felt around his brain for the right words. “It feels a little out of the blue, and I just want to make sure this isn’t… not a trauma response, after everything that happened this weekend, or something.”

“You’re the one who was working out shirtless this morning.” Jay could see her smiling slyly out of the corner of his eye. “Hardly out of the blue.”

“I guess that’s fair,” he admitted. “So the timing in relation to everything that happened yesterday is completely coincidental?”

“Well, no,” she said, surprising him with her candor. “I don’t think it is, actually.”

Jay quirked his eyebrow and chanced a quick glance away from the road to analyze her. “Elaborate, please.”

“I…” Now it was her turn to flounder for words. “I mean, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. You know this; we talked about it and you said you felt okay with it. But then your dumb appendix threw a wrench in the plans, and I got preoccupied with my mom and work. But today… today I woke up feeling safe and cared for and seen. Loved. And then you and your back muscles were right there on full display. And I don’t know. It’s not rocket science. And it’s not like the idea of having sex with my husband is all that radical. You’ve been so amazing to me, and I found myself wanting you in a way I haven’t for a really long time. And I don’t want to ignore that. I think it means something.”

She squeezed his hand as she continued. “And I understand how maybe this could be a knee-jerk response after yesterday. But I don’t think it is. And if we don’t act on it because of that possibility, isn’t that just as bad as doing it for the same reason? Either one means that we’re allowing something that happened in the past to control what we choose to do today. And I’m tired of that. I want us to take back the control. If you’re okay with it, that is.”

Jay couldn’t hold back a little chuckle at her addition to the end of what was a pretty damn empowering speech. “You make an excellent point. And, just to be clear, I am more than okay with it. Super okay. I just wanted to be sure that we’re doing this for the right reasons. You know?” 

“And what, pray tell, are the wrong reasons for wanting to have sex with my husband?” Hailey shifted in her seat to face him completely. “It’s been almost a year, Jay.”

He pulled the truck into his spot and put it in park before responding. “Oh, believe me, Hails, I know. And I’m not trying to put out your fire, or whatever, but I think anything other than ‘because we both want to’ would be a wrong reason.”

“Well, I want to. Do you?”

“Hailey, you have no idea.” He undid his seatbelt, fumbling in his eagerness. “Are you sure I haven’t ruined the mood with my interrogation?”

Hailey’s fingers wrapped around his to help him push the release button, and the electricity her touch sent through him was almost more than he could bear. Her startlingly blue eyes locked on his, the passion evident in them more than enough to answer his question. But she was definitely in the mood, so she took it a step further.

“I don’t know,” she murmured. “Let me check.”

Then she leaned the remainder of the way over the console, dispensing of any self-control Jay had left as she kissed him once more. And this time, there was no threat of onlookers to keep them from giving in entirely to the flames that seemed to be engulfing them. Their only constraint now was space, the cab of his truck suddenly seeming far too small. She had backed him up against the driver’s side door, and it was only the poking of the irregular surface that had him coming back up for air.

“Upstairs?” he asked.

“Upstairs.”

And even with Hailey’s help, they couldn’t get the car door opened quickly enough.

Peaceful wasn’t a strong enough word.

Bliss. Paradise. Heaven. Those were closer, but still not sufficient to encompass how it felt for Jay to lie in bed next to Hailey. Their truck-ride conversation had been enough for him to leave his reservations at the door, but it wasn’t until now that he realized just how much being physically bonded with his wife meant to him. Ever since he came back from Bolivia - and truthfully, even long before then - there had been so many facets of their relationship that felt up in the air. Even as they made little baby steps of progress, bit by bit, Jay had still been painfully aware that it could all unravel with one little mistake. He still felt like there was a giant barrier between where they were and where they wanted to be.

He didn’t feel that way anymore. It was surprising, in a way, because he had been convinced that the sexual component was the least important factor of a successful union. The proof was in the fact that the foundation of his relationship with Hailey was laid long before they ever even kissed. Passion didn’t mean anything if there wasn’t loyalty, trust, consideration. But after weeks of the two of them prioritizing those core values of their marriage, Jay was thrilled to realize that they had reached the point where it was time to take it to the next level.

They had discussed it, weeks ago. But despite Hailey’s eagerness in establishing an end goal for them, it had been difficult for Jay to believe deep down that that was truly what she wanted. For all that he lectured her on open communication and honesty, there was still a piece of him that held on to the self-blame that nearly consumed him in his first days back. He had failed Hailey, betrayed her in a way that fractured her trust in him. She had forgiven him, but Jay knew that those wounds ran deep. So it was hard, even as she was getting steamy with him after assuring him that she wanted this, to believe that she wasn’t acting out of fear. Or self-preservation. Or the idea that if she wasn’t meeting his ‘needs,’ that he might abandon her again.

To his relief, every single one of those doubts was squashed the moment he got her into the apartment. The layout was different, but it almost gave him déjà vu, reminded him instantly of their first time in the way her hands seemed stuck to him like magnets, roaming over his body but always making contact somewhere. Meanwhile, both of his were tangled in her hair, getting lost in the waves the same way he was getting lost in her. But for all the similarities to their first time, there were distinctions, too. They had plenty of practice in the interim, were much more coordinated in the way they moved into the bedroom and systematically dropped items of clothing, one by one, to the floor. And while the hunger, the urgency, was still present, there was a smoothness in the way they moved to satisfy it. Less flailing and grappling. More synchronization. Like they were approaching it as a team. Partners.

And it meant everything to Jay. Answered all the questions that he hadn’t even known to ask. And now, as they still lay under the protection of their covers as the afternoon faded into evening, he almost couldn’t remember what he had been so worried about. Because the way that Hailey was looking up at him, while her right hand lazily traced its way along his growing map of scars, was so full of tenderness that there was no way someone could fake it. Even someone as gifted in subterfuge as his wife. 

He didn’t understand what she found so appealing about his scars. He had a pretty good view of the bandaids still somehow stuck on her forearm, and even the thought of what was beneath them made him feel a little queasy. Jay took a page out of her book and ran the back of his knuckle over the raised skin.

She instantly drew her arm back and tucked it beneath her.

Jay sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was to break up the dream of an afternoon they had spent together. But for all the honesty Hailey had shown him today, he was still a little uncertain about just how concerned he needed to be about the events that had led to those wounds.

“Are we going to talk about that, Hails?”

She shifted and held her arm up in front of her, analyzing the damage for herself. “Do we have to?” she asked, but her positioning and the defeated tone in her voice told Jay that she had already resigned herself to that conversation. 

“I think we probably should.”

She released a deep sigh, turning all the way onto her back and staring at the ceiling. “I mean, there’s not much to talk about. It just… happened. It’s not something I planned, or thought about. Almost like a reflex.”

He turned to face her, propping his head on his hand. “A reflex?”

“I don’t know how to describe it. Like, I don’t know, have you ever been so angry you punched a wall, or something? You know it’s a bad idea, and you know it’s going to hurt, but in the moment, none of that matters. You just know that you need an outlet, and you can’t really focus on anything else until you find one.”

“An outlet,” Jay nodded. “I think I can understand that. So… has this happened before?”

She picked at her nails for a moment before turning back to face him. “A few times, when I was in high school. My junior year was a really hard time for me. Both of my brothers were away at college, and things felt… well, pretty hopeless, at times. I always figured it was just a phase, because it only happened once or twice in college before I discovered other, more socially acceptable - and honestly, a lot more fun - coping mechanisms.”

“You mean sex?”

That drew a laugh out of her, but also earned him a shove in the shoulder. “More like booze. I mean, I wasn’t exactly a prude, but I wasn’t going out looking for hookups every weekend. But drinking at parties, that I could handle with aplomb.”

Jay traced the outline of a heart on her arm. “How long has it been now, since you’ve had a drink?”

“Months? Not since the night I went to the hospital.”

“Do you think that has anything to do with it, that urge coming back after all these years?”

Hailey shrugged. “You know what’s weird? Back in high school, sometimes I would fantasize about someone finding out. That someone would finally notice how much pain I was in, would intervene to do something about it. Save me. But then, one time my friend Katie saw the marks and asked me about them. And I was mortified. I told her they were from the cat. We didn’t have a cat. But she didn’t bring it up again.”

She drew in a shaky breath, and Jay was worried that he had led her to tears once more. But when she spoke again, her voice was steady. “But I didn’t feel that way yesterday. That I had to hide it. Even though I was ashamed - I am ashamed - I wanted you to know. Maybe that was the first time I felt like I could show someone and trust that they wouldn’t use it against me. Or change the way they look at me. And I think I was right. And maybe today was a little bit about proving that to myself,” Hailey admitted, fiddling with the hem of the bedsheet. “But I don’t regret it. And I hope you won’t, either.”

“Hey.” Jay sought her attention, wanted to make sure she was looking at him when he responded. “I don’t regret it. But please understand that I am seeing you differently after last night. Not with any less love, that’s for sure. That will never change, Hailey. But now I see you with a lot more admiration, for how strong you’ve been. A better understanding, now that I’m aware just how much you’ve been fighting. Hopefully a little more empathy, and patience, and a better sense of how to help you going forward when things get hard.”

He reached for her hand, pulling it back across his chest once more. “They’re just scars, Hailey. Both of us are littered with them. Little reminders of what we’ve been through, how resilient we are. My dad always told me they were like badges of honor. I think he was probably just trying to get me to stop crying whenever I scraped my knee, or Will pushed me off the porch, or whatever. But I think he actually knew what he was talking about with that one. All I think of when I look at your arm is how amazing you are, and how lucky I am, and how I don’t want you to ever feel alone again.”

His recollection made her smile wistfully, and the ease in her face was too alluring for Jay to ignore. He closed the short distance between them and kissed her. He was only distracted from her lips by her fingers dancing across his bare chest, and he couldn’t fathom how he had gone so long without this. But once they broke apart, and the fog in his head cleared up, he remembered exactly why. Because she hadn’t been ready. And he would move the earth, moon, and every star in the sky to make her look as happy as she did right now.

It had been worth the wait. Hailey was worth the wait.

Somehow, Jay had ended up on her side of the bed, nearly on top of her. He swallowed, willing himself to show some restraint before they both got carried away once more. “Not that I’m opposed to another round, but I think we need a refueling break. It’s nearly dark, and you’ve hardly eaten all day.”

“Calories are overrated,” she protested with a grin. “I don’t feel hungry at all. In fact,” she plunged her fingers into the hairs on the back of his head and pulled him back down toward her, “I can’t remember the last time I felt so full.”

Chapter Text

Their perfect bubble of an afternoon was broken by the sound of a notification coming from Hailey’s phone.

Jay had finally coaxed her out of bed, bribing her with one of his perfectly toasted grilled cheese sandwiches (plus a generous helping of barbecue potato chips on the side). She had been truthful when she insisted that she felt no hunger earlier, but once the aroma of warming food hit her nostrils, she became aware of just how famished she was. She sat on the counter next to the stove as he cooked, unwilling to part herself too long from him or from the meal he was heating up for them.

Eventually, he convinced her to relocate to a more comfortable spot to eat. Neither of them had fully redressed, so they settled on the couch where they could burrow under a blanket, limbs tangled together, while they ate. They didn’t speak much as they devoured their makeshift dinner, but it was a silence born of contentment as they satisfied their hunger after it had been overshadowed by much more pressing needs throughout the day. But now, as Hailey was working to provide her body with the sustenance it had been craving, she couldn’t think of a single thing that would make her life more complete in this moment.

And then her phone rang.

She couldn’t bring herself to jump up to retrieve it from wherever it had ended up in their bedroom before the ringing stopped. It wasn’t like work would be calling her in, and nothing else was urgent enough to warrant her leaving their cozy little cocoon until she was good and ready. However, Hailey failed to factor in her husband’s type A tendencies and deep-seated chivalry, so he extracted himself to go look for the phone once they heard the sound indicating a new voicemail.

“No, don’t leave,” she whined. “It can’t be anything important.”

“You don’t know that, Hails.” He kissed the top of her head before walking away. “You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little skittish about missing phone calls after recent events.”

“Touché,” she mumbled into the blanket. 

But when he returned a moment later, he hesitated to give the phone to her. “It was your mom,” he finally admitted to explain his reluctance. “Want me to put it back?”

“No,” Hailey sighed, reaching for the device, “not after you went through all the trouble of getting up for it.”

“It wasn’t exactly a dangerous journey.”

She gave him a smirk as she pulled up her voicemail, bracing herself for whatever her mom had to say now that she had some time to think about everything. But the message was surprisingly plain, typical phrases and common expressions you might expect to hear from any parents. Just checking in… Make sure you’re all right… Hope to see you soon… Give Jay my love… I love you.

Hailey emitted a sigh of relief as she deleted the message and put her phone down. “Didn’t really say much,” she reported to Jay. “I think she’s probably just trying to keep the line of communication open.”

“That’s not a bad thing, is it?” he asked, climbing back under the blanket with her.

She shook her head and picked up what remained of her grilled cheese. But before she took a bite, she asked, “Is this how your mom would cut your sandwiches?”

“What, you mean the correct way? Of course she did. Why do you ask?”

Hailey took a minute to chew and swallow before answering. “I was just thinking about how people feel so strongly about the best way to cut a sandwich - thank you for being a perfect example, by the way - and how it must just come from what they’re used to. Like, you spend eighteen years of your life with a diagonal cut, so you have no idea that there are kids out there who think a vertical cut is normal. And once you realize that… it brings up so many questions. Just how far we can go to rationalize something as normal just because it’s what we’ve been exposed to.”

Jay pursed his lips. “Yeah. Those vertical-cut kids have no idea what they’re missing. But once they discover what’s out there - that there’s a lot more to life than just what they’ve known - there’s nothing stopping them from cutting their sandwiches any way they want.”

“We’re not talking about sandwiches anymore, are we?” she snagged a chip from his plate before he set it on the coffee table.

“I don’t think we ever were.” He shifted his weight to move closer to her, pulling her legs across his lap. “And that’s okay. But now you’ve got me curious. And I’m almost afraid to ask, but… how did your mom cut your sandwiches?”

“Honestly?” She set her own plate aside and settled back into the cushion. “I don’t even remember.”

For once, after the intense weekend she had, Hailey was happy that she could go into work Monday knowing that she wouldn’t be required to expend too much of herself. What she didn’t count on, though, was an early-morning arrest in the case Torres caught Saturday night. A thirteen-year-old boy named Jared had gone missing, and text messages recovered from the victim’s iCloud pointed toward his algebra teacher, Mr. Landon. They hadn’t been able to locate Landon until daybreak. But unsurprisingly, he asked for a lawyer right away.

So the squadroom was abuzz as the team searched frantically for any info they could use to back this guy into a corner. Voight dispatched Burgess and Atwater to the school to interview faculty and other students; Ruzek was working on getting warrants for the teacher’s home, car,  and all electronics; and Torres, who had been first on scene and knew the case best, was scouring through Landon’s professional history, hoping to find any sort of pattern from schools that he worked at previously. That left Hailey to analyze his personal life: family, known acquaintances, financials, social media presence. She knew that the team would have already looked through all of this, at least on the surface level, during their attempt to locate him yesterday. She couldn’t help but think about how much further they could have gotten if she were able to aid them; would one extra set of eyes early in the case have made a difference?

She couldn’t think about that.

A call from Atwater helped to narrow things down: one of the faculty members brought up another teacher who had been let go two years ago. Mr. Carp and Mr. Landon had been friends when Carp was terminated unexpectedly. No official reason was ever given, but whispers and rumors abounded.

“Matthias Carp?” Hailey asked, scanning her notes and interrupting Kevin. “That name is in his contacts and they’re Facebook friends, but not much communication between them.”

“Well, they wouldn’t be discussing their illicit matters in public forums, would they?” Atwater responded over speaker phone. “I’m guessing that’s our guy, and their communication has been more covert.”

“I agree,” Voight said. “We got an LKA on this guy?”

“School has 3412 W. Hirsch as a forwarding address,” Kevin answered.

Hailey’s fingers were flying over her keyboard. “Yep, that’s the official one on record, too. But that’s a pretty busy area. Do we think he’d be holding a kid there?”

“I think that’s the next logical place for us to look,” Voight declared. “You two, gear up. Kevin and Kim, we’ll meet you there. You,” he turned to Hailey, “see what you can find on Carp. And if Landon’s lawyer ever shows up, remind him that we have 44 more hours before we have to charge him.”

The rest of the morning flew by in a flurry of rushed updates, requests for no-knock warrants, communication with attorneys once interrogations went south, and copious use of the phrase ‘exigent circumstances.’ It was infuriating to have both offenders in custody but still have zero evidence of where they may have taken Jared. Hailey leaned back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair, long since set free from its ponytail. Her shoulders had grown tense, whether from her posture or from the stress of the pursuit, she couldn’t say. But she took a minute to stretch her arms over her head and take a few deep, relaxing breaths. She knew two o’clock was approaching, and a quick glance to the corner of her computer monitor confirmed it. She was alone in the bullpen, all the other officers trying their hand in interrogation while Voight looked on.

But these guys weren’t talking. What they needed was more information. Either as evidence or as leverage for one of them to open up. So Hailey got back to work. If she only had a few more minutes before Voight gave her the boot, she needed to make the most of them. She looked again at the location data they had gotten from the cell phone carriers. And this time, something clicked.

“Alsip,” she panted, having sprinted back to the observation room. “I think he’s at this house in Alsip. Both of their phones have pinged right in that area of 294, though not at the same time. But there’s a house out there that’s still registered to Landon’s second cousin, but he died in 2021. Perfect place to hold a kid.”

Voight stared at her for just a moment before he jumped into action, sauntering out to the hall to knock on first one door, then the other. “We got a break in the case. We’ve got to go.” Hailey followed them down the stairs, repeating back the relevant info while they grabbed their equipment and loaded into their vehicles.

“I’ll call Alsip PD and give them a head’s up you’re on the way,” she finished.

“Tell them just to sit on the house until we get there; don’t move unless something jumps off.”

“Copy that, Sergeant.”

The adrenaline still hung in the air after they peeled out of the parking lot, leaving Hailey alone, surrounded by nothing but empty cars. She took a moment, basking in the satisfaction of finding that last piece of the puzzle, even if she couldn’t be the one to put it into place. But when she got back upstairs, she saw a text from Voight on her phone.

Nice work, Upton. Make sure you take a minute to eat something before you get back to work.

She grinned, happier than ever to shoot a quick text to Jay to let him know that she would be later than normal arriving home. Then she did as her sergeant had instructed her, taking advantage of the empty breakroom to polish off the lunch she had packed. She knew she needed to eat, but she was eager to get back to the computer. Once the team arrived back to the district, she wanted them to have every last bit of info they needed to put both of these monsters away. If she had any say in it, the judge was going to throw the book at them.

Her smile didn’t last long. Fortunately, her discovery had paid off, and it wasn’t long before the team was updating her that they found the boy unharmed - physically, at least. But then came the arduous task of filling in the remaining gaps in the story from what he could tell them. Of compiling the complete picture of just what atrocities had been committed by the two men stewing in the interrogation rooms just down the hall from where Hailey sat.

She didn’t pity Ruzek and Torres, who went with Jared to the hospital to follow-up with his parents and get his statement. It was bad enough seeing the drawn expression on Kim’s face as she stumbled back into the bullpen, the way Kevin just quietly shook his head, and Voight went straight to the interrogation rooms without stopping. It was clear that they were all affected by what they saw in that house, and Hailey was torn between feeling like she was kept out of the secret and lucky that she didn’t have to witness that.

This was the uglier part of the job she loved so much. The part that kept you up at night, even though you knew you did everything you could. The part that could absolutely destroy you if you allowed it to take root. The part she was being shielded from until she was confident that she knew how to keep that from happening.

Voight was quick about dismissing the lawyers and sending Landon and Carp down to holding. No more interrogation would be required; they had gotten more than enough evidence from the scene and the victim’s statement. Still, Hailey handed him the file she had gathered in their absence, figuring every little bit would help. And she wasn’t sure if the intensity of the case was showing on her face, or if he had picked up on some other clue that, despite her eagerness to contribute, she was nearing her breaking point for today. But Voight wasted no time on debriefing the members of his team that were present and then sending her on her way.

“Anything in here jump out at you as pertinent?” he asked as she shut down her station.

Hailey shook her head. “No red flags. But a lot of yellow ones - longtime bachelors, no signs of any long-term relationships or even friendships, really. Carp hasn’t held a job for longer than a year or two. His landlord said he’s not a problematic tenant, but always gave off a ‘weird vibe.’ I don’t want to stereotype, but…”

“If the shoe fits…” Kim piped in.

“Exactly,” Hailey agreed, swinging on her jacket. “The percentage of guys who fit that description but are harmless is high, but so is the percentage of criminals who also fit that description. So using that kind of generalization only really serves us in hindsight.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Voight said. “We have more than enough to put these guys away for a long time. Everything else in this file is just gravy. So why don’t you all go home, get some rest, see your loved ones. We have enough for arraignment, so the official reports can wait until morning.”

And for once, Hailey was in complete agreement with him.

It was nearly two hours later than normal that Hailey finally came home, dropping her stuff by the door and collapsing onto the sofa next to him.

“Rough day?” Jay asked, setting his laptop aside and giving her his attention.

She grabbed his cheeks and gave him a sloppy kiss before she answered, “You could say that.”

“Just because it was long? Or did something happen?”

She thought for a moment, twiddling the zipper of the jacket she still wore. “Nothing all that unusual happened. I just spent the afternoon deep-diving into the lives of two scumbags. Both of whom have been working with junior high kids for years, and it was all very infuriating. And exhausting. And then they probably won’t even need the stuff I dug up anyway, because apparently the place where they found the kid had more than enough evidence. And, I don’t know.” She huffed and pulled off her jacket. “I was just very aware all day that I had to be careful not to get too invested, but that somehow made it harder? And a lot more tiring. Like I was just constantly straddling this invisible line, and every time I thought I figured out where it was, it moved. It’s… it’s harder than I thought it was going to be, Jay. And I’m just frustrated. But I’ll get over it, probably. How was your day?”

Jay took a minute to digest everything that Hailey just admitted in her rambling. “I’m sorry, Hails. That does sound super frustrating. But, if there is a positive spin on it, I think it’s that this is the first case you’ve really had a hand in, right? It probably took a lot more mental energy to pace yourself; I bet it will get easier with each case, as you figure out what works for you. That being said… my afternoon has been mind-numbingly dull. I’ve been working on these online modules I have to complete before the firearms class next week, and it’s designed for people with zero experience, so it’s really basic. It’s like relearning the alphabet.”

She chuckled, the lines on her forehead loosening a bit as she planted her hand on his knee. “I mean, I still get S and R confused sometimes.”

“You what?!?”

“No, not like that,” she protested. “I can tell the letters apart. I meant for alphabetizing. Sometimes I get mixed up on which one comes first.”

“Uh-huh,” he answered, voice dripping with skepticism. “All this time that I’ve known you, with no idea that you’re practically illiterate.”

She gave him a shove. “You’re an ass, sometimes, Halstead, you know that?”

“Would an ass have spent hours slaving over a hot stove for your dinner, Upton?”

“There’s nothing on the stove,” she retorted, after craning her neck to verify the fact.

He shrugged. “It’s a figure of speech. I ordered from Rangoli. It should arrive before too long. But I think you have time to hop in the shower if you want.”

“Mmm,” she hummed. “That sounds good. The food and the shower. If I can last that long. Why is this so much more exhausting than it used to be?”

“Probably because you’re not pounding the caffeine like you used to.”

“Oh, yeah,” she answered. “That makes a lot of sense, actually. Can you give me a push to help me stand up?”

He let out a laugh at her absurd request. “I’ll do you one better.” Jay got to his feet, grabbed each of her hands with one of his, and then heaved her to her feet before quickly moving to put one arm under her knees, the other supporting her back as he lifted her completely.

“Jay!” she squealed. “This is not what I asked for!”

“But it achieved the same purpose,” he insisted, carrying her through the bedroom and depositing her carefully on her feet once they reached the bathroom. “Now, do you think you can manage from here, or will you be requiring my assistance further?”

“No, Jay,” she said, still shaking her head at his antics. “I’m good.” But when he didn’t leave right away, the air became heavy as they both realized that his inquiry wasn’t entirely joking. “Really, Jay.” She placed a hand on his arm. “I’m fine. I promise. And besides, I’m way too tired to do anything that stupid tonight.”

“I guess that’s reassuring?” He tilted his head. “You’re sure, Hails?”

She pulled off her shirt as she answered before discarding it on the floor. “I’m sure. And I would tell you if I weren’t. Remember?”

“I remember. Just wanted to check.”

“And I appreciate it. But someone’s got to tip the delivery guy.”

Her cheeky grin as she removed the last of her clothes and climbed into the shower was enough to convince him. “Valid point,” he conceded, collecting her dirty clothes and dropping them in the hamper before giving her some privacy. “It’s good to know that you still have your priorities in order.”

The next two workdays flew by, much less eventfully than the last, with her scheduled therapy appointments forcing Hailey to stick to her limited hours. She was eager to get to her individual session on Tuesday, feeling as though she ran into more obstacles in the past three days than she had in weeks. But unlike some of her previous meetings, it wasn’t solely with a sense of desperation or helplessness that she counted down the hours. Each of the milestones she had encountered challenged her, but Hailey was able to identify some points she was proud of, too. There were still lots of places for improvement, but, perhaps for the first time, she was able to see how all the hours of introspection and self-analysis were starting to pay off.

Couples therapy, it would seem, wasn’t quite so simple. Because it didn’t revolve so much around her progress as it did their progress. And while sometimes they seemed to go hand in hand, it was a bit jarring to find herself back in the same office with Jay a week later, confronted with the same old insecurities. So much had changed for them in that week, the last of her barriers nothing now but a pile of rubble far behind them. So why was the prospect of dissecting it with Jay and their therapist making her feel so apprehensive?

It didn’t take long into their session for her to find out, the words leaving her mouth somehow as clarifying for her as they were for everyone else in the room.

“It still feels weird, talking about all this stuff so openly. I know that it’s a good thing, but something about it just feels so… I don’t know, icky to me.” 

“That makes sense,” Marcella said, “considering that you’ve been conditioned for so long to feel shame about your emotions and how you coped with them. Maybe it wasn’t always safe to access those parts of you; even if that’s not the case anymore, it takes time to get used to it.”

“I do feel shame,” Hailey admitted, “but it’s more than that. I know that I’m ‘safe,’ here with you two. But I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s box. What happened this weekend… I needed it, but now I’m worried that it’s permanently changed something between us. That we’ll never be able to get back to how we were.”

“But Hailey,” Jay said, “don’t you think that’s a good thing? We’ve talked about how we were both in bad shape last year. I thought we were trying to move past that, rather than revert right back to it.”

“No, you’re right. But… I guess, even though we weren’t great, it was at least a baseline? Like, I think I was looking at it like our goal was to get back to that place, and then take whatever steps we needed to fix everything from there. And now it feels… off-kilter. Like we’re just bypassing that stage altogether, and who knows where we’ll end up?”

“Kind of like we’re starting from scratch?” Jay asked.

“Kind of. We’re not. And maybe the ‘old us’ wasn’t perfect, but it was familiar. Comfortable. And now I feel like whenever something changes for me - even if it’s necessary - it forces our relationship to shift. And I feel like my problems are putting our marriage at risk.”

She expected that remark to be met with protests, but instead, there was silence. She was about to panic when Jay spoke.

“Hailey. What you’re describing is exactly how I felt when I left for Bolivia.”

“Well, you weren’t wrong,” she said bluntly.

“No, and neither are you. But that’s not necessarily bad. Is it?” He looked to Marcella for confirmation.

Their therapist didn’t answer right away. “That’s for you two to decide.”

“But it’s not, right?” he continued. “It’s unrealistic to pair two people together for any length of time and expect every interaction to be 50/50 and solely for the benefit of the union. Our marriage is ours. Two unbelievably imperfect people. We’ve been selfish, and we’ve made mistakes, but at least we’re trying. Right? And I don’t think it’s selfish for you to turn some of that energy inward, from time to time. In the long run, if it’s good for you, then it’s good for us.”

“But how far does that go? What if I wake up tomorrow and feel the need to shave my head, or join a cult, or open a yoga studio or something? I know you’re being super supportive because I’m sad and fragile and whatnot, but realistically, there has to be a limit. And I guess not knowing feels a little scary.”

Another silence followed, but not as intense as the last one had been. This one just felt like all three of them were tired.

“I guess maybe that’s something we have to address when we come to it,” Jay suggested. “I mean, I’m not categorically opposed to any of those things, except maybe the cult, but I would have to have a little more info before I made a final decision about how I felt about it.”

“So we just have to keep talking to each other?”

“You say that like it’s such a bad thing.”

“I don’t mean to,” Hailey said. “I think we can all agree that I like talking to you. It’s just not a clear-cut answer like I was hoping.”

The session ended soon after, and though a sense of complete resolution still eluded the two of them, there was a calm satisfaction hanging between them as they left the office and walked through the parking lot. It was a feeling Hailey had come to recognize well, the post-therapy doldrums. Somewhere in limbo between contemplation and acceptance, not quite content, but at least more settled for having an hour to organize her thoughts. It was a lot nicer when she wasn’t the only one experiencing it. 

“I’m not, just so you know,” she piped up before reaching the truck. “Thinking about joining a cult.”

“I know. It is nice to hear, though.”

Jay climbed into the driver’s seat, but he took a minute to gather himself before he turned back to her. “Coffee?”

Amid all the questions and uncertainty, Hailey was infinitely grateful that there were some parts of this whole debacle that were always consistent. A small smile escaped as she reached across the console and planted her hand on his thigh. “Coffee,” she agreed, marveling that they could say so much with a single word exchanged between them. Jay was right. This new version of their marriage, unpredictable though it was, was better. All the important stuff was the same, and the changes they were working so hard to implement were only going to make them stronger. Hailey was going to make sure of that, and as Jay pulled out of the parking lot, mindlessly caressing her knuckles while he hummed along to the radio, she was confident that he was going to make it his mission, too.

Chapter Text

She had to figure out a less conspicuous way to do this.

She felt so dumb, sitting in her car, in plain view of anyone who might be passing by through the parking lot, but a few days of trial and error convinced Hailey that taking a couple of moments to decompress really helped her transition from work mode before she left for home. So she closed her eyes while she took in a deep breath and held it for as long as was comfortable, then released it, focusing specifically on relaxing her muscles. It was a little more unorthodox than a lot of the strategies she had developed. It wasn’t all that different from yoga, although she had always been a little skeptical about the spiritual aspects of that, as well. But she didn’t feel that she was in a position to knock anything before she tried it.

Either way, at the very least, the time Hailey spent dedicated to the practice served as a signal to her mind and body that her workday was done. And if she happened to leave the stress of the district behind her with every deliberate exhale, all the better. And she needed it. Voight must have been impressed by her performance on the missing teen case, because he had been a little looser with her reins since then. With each passing shift, her confidence in her own abilities grew, but it wasn’t until she clocked out that she learned just what kind of toll each day took on her. For the most part, it was a gentle challenge, the small steps she was permitted to take just the right amount to stretch her beyond what was comfortable for any given shift. Some days were harder than others, but she couldn’t really discern which ones until she had the benefit of hindsight. And for that reason, she appreciated that her CO was being cautious. The slow pace allowed her to learn what was working and what wasn’t. And, for whatever reason, taking a few deep, cleansing breaths before she drove home was working. So that’s what she did.

She was halfway home when her phone rang. She answered without looking at the caller ID, assuming it was Jay. So it took her by surprise when the voice that responded to her casual ‘hello?’ was one that she hadn’t heard in quite some time.

“Hailey?”

“Seth?” she asked in return, uncertain if the single word was enough to identify her brother on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, it’s me. I just wanted to check in… Hailey, are you okay?”

Already she didn’t like the sound of this conversation. “Why do you ask?” she finally answered.

She heard a deep sigh from the other end before her brother continued. “We went to Mom and Dad’s for dinner last night, and Mom was being weird when you came up. She asked me if I had talked to you, but wouldn’t say why, so I figured you were either pregnant or dying.”

“Well, good news, I guess,” she chuckled. “I’m not either. So you’ll have to talk to Mom about whatever was bothering her.”

“That’s funny, because she said I needed to talk to you.”

Hailey drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. She couldn’t tell if her annoyance with her mom for mentioning it at all outweighed her appreciation that she was allowing Hailey to bring it up at her own pace. “Did Dad say anything?” she finally asked.

“Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing about you. And you know he’s always on his best behavior around Millie and the kids. So, are you going to tell me what’s going on, or are you going to keep deflecting?”

“There’s really not anything to tell, Seth. I was having a hard time a few months ago, and it kind of came to a head when she showed up unexpectedly after Jay’s surgery. I’d been… I have been thinking a lot about our childhood, and how it’s still impacting me. And maybe I told her a little bit more about it than I should have.”

“What do you mean by a hard time? You clearly said something to upset her, if she’s still dwelling on it; did she disown you or something?”

Hailey groaned internally, putting on her blinker and turning into the closest parking lot. This was not a conversation she wanted to have over the phone, but certainly not while she was driving. “No, Seth. At least, not to my knowledge. I did, however, probably put a strain on our relationship when I told her that I had been diagnosed with PTSD, largely because of how we grew up.”

“Oh.” The surprise in his voice was more subtle than she expected. “Yeah. Well, I can see why that might bother her. PTSD?”

“Yeah.”

“So… you’ve, like, talked to someone? About… everything?”

“Well, not everything. But yes, I have.” Hailey squinted against the sun in her rearview mirror, and also against the idea that she was really about to open up to someone else in her family after it went so terribly the first time. “That’s actually a requirement when you get admitted to the hospital for psychiatric reasons. Which I was.”

And though Hailey wouldn’t admit it, she did derive a sense of satisfaction from the fact that this concept did seem to render him speechless for a moment. “When?” he finally asked.

“The beginning of August. Right before Jay came home. That’s actually what brought him here.”

“Geez, Hailey. I just… I had no idea. I’m so sorry. Did something happen?”

“Well,” she took a sip of her water to stall for time, “it depends on what you mean. It’s a pretty long story, and I don’t really want to get into it over the phone, but I was suicidal. It was pretty ugly. But it… it kind of forced me to take a step back and analyze things. And, well, the deeper I looked, the uglier it got. And that’s where the whole PTSD thing comes in.”

“Hailey…”

“Yeah, I know,” she assured him, uncertain if she wanted a response from him. “But the hospital helped, and I’m doing better now. Still untangling a lot of things, which can be confusing, which is why I’m not volunteering this information to everyone.”

“So Mom knows? But Dad doesn’t?”

“I told Mom.” She shrugged, despite the fact that no one could see her do it. “I assume she told Dad, because as you are now aware, she’s not great at concealing her opinions about it. But I don’t know for sure. I haven’t spoken to him since Easter.”

“I think he probably does. He hasn’t said anything to you?”

Hailey took another deep, cleansing breath. But she was still in the midst of this discussion, so the only thing she was exhaling was hot air and disappointment. “No. And that’s probably for the best.”

“So what does that mean? Are you cutting us out?”

“I don’t know, Seth. I’m not trying to - especially you and Tyler and Mom. But I’m also still very much in the process of figuring out my boundaries and how to respect them. But if he just continues to pretend like nothing ever happened… I don’t see myself having any relationship with him. There’s just too much for me to sweep under the rug anymore.”

“Not like you were ever particularly great at that, anyway.”

Now she was happy that her brother wasn’t there in person, because it made it a lot easier to terminate the call on her terms. “Well, I guess we’ve reached the part of the conversation where I get blamed for the rift in our family. So I’m going to go, Seth. Give Brianna and Xavier my love and tell them I hope to see them soon.”

“No, wait, Hailey! I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right. I’m not blaming you for anything. Well, except maybe not telling anyone about this, but even that is understandable. I guess what I meant was that it’s always been pretty obvious where you stood. So I’m kind of confused why it’s all coming out now.”

“I’m confused about it, too. I’m confused about how you and Tyler seem to have such an easy time minimizing it. I’m confused about how Mom never even thought about leaving him. I’m confused why none of our neighbors or teachers or relatives noticed that anything was wrong. I’m confused by the fact that I survived it as a little girl but now I can barely tolerate the memories of it. If it all made sense, I wouldn’t need two hours of therapy a week to even begin coping. But you’re the one who called me today, Seth. You initiated it. You don’t get to be angry at me for answering the questions when you pushed them so hard.”

“I’m not angry, Hailey. And excuse me for being concerned about you. God forbid anyone find out that you’re not invincible. I never really understood why you acted so tough when we all knew it was worse for you.”

That comment jolted Hailey away from the tears that had been brewing in the back of her throat. “What do you mean?”

“Come on, Hailey. He was never going to pick a fight with someone his own size. I was as tall as him by the time I was fourteen. And Tyler wasn’t far behind. You were the youngest, and the smallest, and, let’s be real, the mouthiest. I don’t blame you one bit for hating him.”

“Hm. I don’t really remember it that way. Like I was singled out.”

“Maybe… maybe we can get together and talk about it sometime? Assuming that you and I are still cool?”

“I don’t blame you, Seth,” she clarified. “I don’t think I ever have. That doesn’t mean I’m not mad. I just feel so betrayed - and almost gaslighted - when I see all of you play the roles so easily. Even Mom. It makes me feel like I’m the crazy one. Or maybe I am the one to blame. But like I said, I’m still working on it. And maybe it would be helpful, for all of us, to talk about it sometime.”

“You’re not crazy, Hailey. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need. I guess there’s a possibility that I could benefit from something like that, as well. But getting married and starting my own family just kind of made the past seem less important, you know?”

“I do know. But let me tell you one thing: I thought that was going to be me, too, once I found Jay. But we had some issues that brought all this up to the surface. Stuff that I thought I had put to bed long ago. Also, there is a strong genetic component to alcoholism, so just… be careful. I love you, Seth, and I love Millie and the kids. I would hate for this to end up affecting you guys, from either side.”

The long stretch of silence on the other end told Hailey she might have gone too far. But then Seth eventually muttered, “I love you, too, Hailey. And I want to tell you that you don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not like him. But I will think about what you said. And I will check my calendar for a time to get together, yeah?”

“Yeah. Why don’t you invite Tyler, too, if he can spare any time away from the restaurant and his girlfriend of the month?”

Seth laughed as he answered, “Couldn’t hurt to ask. Would I be correct in assuming you haven’t spoken to him about any of this either?”

“That is correct. Try to be more discreet than Mom?”

“Nearly impossible not to be. And hey, do me a favor? Next time you’re having a hard time, let me know before it gets to the hospitalization level.”

“No promises. But don’t worry; I’m really not planning to hit that level again.”

Immediately after she hung up with her brother, Hailey took three more cleansing breaths. And when that didn’t do the trick, she called Jay.

“Hey, partner,” she said with probably a little too much enthusiasm. “What are you doing?”

“Hi, partner. Just running a few errands, making sure everything is set for Friday. Why, what’s up?”

“I need a coffee. Care to join?”

“What? A coffee date on a Monday? Taking some risks today, huh?” he teased.

“You don’t even know. So, what do you say?”

That got his attention. “Sure thing. I can be there in ten?”

“See you then.”

Hailey was already situated in the back of the coffee shop when he arrived a few minutes later, two cups and a pastry in front of her.

“Danish, too?” Jay asked. “It must have been a rough day.”

Her stoic expression wavered just a bit as a smile snuck out the side of her mouth. Not enough for her dimple to show, but it was better than nothing. “Work was okay, but Seth called me. I guess my news is slowly trickling its way through the family gossip chain. So I had to explain some things to him. He thought I might be pregnant.”

“That must have been a shock. For you and for him.”

“Yeah…” Hailey scratched absentmindedly at her cheek, a sign that Jay now recognized well that indicated that her anxiety was peaking. But she was aware of it, too, and pulled her hand away after a second. “I think it went okay? And I didn’t tell him all the gory details, but I still just felt kind of shaky. So I’m trying to embrace it, or whatever, so it doesn’t overwhelm me like it did last time.”

“That’s probably a smart move. Anything I can do to help?”

Now a true smile appeared on her face. “You’re here. That’s a pretty good start. Why don’t you tell me about your day? Are you set for the fitness test?”

“Yep,” Jay confirmed. “First thing Friday morning, and then firearms training Monday and Tuesday. And assuming I pass both of those, I should receive a patrol assignment by the end of the week.”

“I can’t wait to see you in your blues every day.”

“Yes, I know, it will be hilarious, being at the same level as kids two days out of the academy. But hopefully the DEA will find a place for me before too long.”

“But don’t forget, I’ll still outrank you, no matter which fancy task force snatches you up.” She gave him a mischievous raise of her eyebrow before taking a sip of her drink. “You really don’t retain any seniority?”

“Officially, no. So I could end up doing midnights at 26th and Cal. But unofficially, I’m crossing my fingers that whoever’s in charge at whatever district I get assigned to will take a look at my resume and give me something a little more challenging.”

She thought for a moment before replying. “I know you don’t like the idea of this, but I’m sure we could persuade Platt to use some of her pull to get you a good assignment. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she does that on her own.”

“Yeah…” Jay scratched at his chin. “I would prefer to not go down that route, but you’re right. I can’t control what she does. But this assignment should be temporary, no matter what.”

“Have you thought about hitting up the shooting range, to shake off all the dust? It’s been a minute since you fired your weapon.”

He froze, cup halfway to his mouth. “How did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That’s what I did today.”

She leaned back in her seat. “I didn’t. I swear. You’re using a gun from the range?”

“No… I have my Glock,” he admitted slowly.

“Since when? I thought you left that in Bolivia.”

“I did. But the army shipped my stuff to me a few weeks ago. I’ve been storing it in a locker at the gun range.”

“Oh. I guess that makes sense.” Hailey pulled off a piece of the danish and chewed it distractedly. “You don’t have to, though, you know. In fact, I was thinking about asking Dr. Broder if it was okay for me to start going to the range myself.”

Jay shifted uneasily in his chair. He knew she wasn’t going to like what he had to say, but in the long run, she would value his honesty more than an attempt to spare her feelings. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that just yet, Hailey.”

And he was right. Her face didn’t give away much, but the resignation in her nod spoke volumes. And even after everything he had put her through, Jay could hardly stand being the reason she looked so defeated. So he was quick to add, “Maybe that’s something we can talk to the doctor about at your appointment next week.”

“I mean,” she paused, twiddling her fingers for a moment, “it’s a lot more controlled, having access to a weapon for half an hour at the range. I just thought, since everything seems to be about taking baby steps, that might be a good place to start.”

“You’re probably right,” he agreed. “But I would feel a lot better if we got an official nod from your doctor before taking that particular step. And probably, more importantly, so would the CPD. Something tells me they wouldn’t let you in until it’s been cleared with the Ivory Tower.”

“Ugh,” she groaned before tipping her cup to down the remainder of her drink. “So much for privacy and confidentiality at work. Might as well just invite the Deputy Chief to move in with us at this point.”

He narrowed his eyes at her for a moment before letting out a sharp laugh. “I’d rather not, Hails, if it’s all the same to you.”

And he was relieved when she gave in to the absurdity and chuckled in return. “That would certainly spice things up in couples therapy.”

“Gross,” he exclaimed, tossing a balled-up napkin at her across the table.

He tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

Sleep had always tended to be a challenge for Hailey, even though they both noticed improvements in the last month. So it wasn’t unheard of for her to toss and turn a bit before dropping off each night.

But when Jay heard her huff in frustration and roll over in bed for the third time in the short duration he had been paying attention, he knew that something was bothering her. “What’s going on, Hails?” he asked, clearing his throat when his voice came out so gruffly it sounded like a different person.

The silence coming from her side of the bed told him that he was right. “Nothing,” she eventually uttered, wiggling around again. “Just one of those nights. Can’t seem to get comfortable.”

“Are you mad at me?” he asked bluntly.

He felt more than heard her stirring again, this time sitting up. “Should I be?”

“What kind of an answer is that?” he asked before he could stop himself. He pulled himself up, reaching over to turn on his bedside lamp before leaning against the headboard. 

She winced against the light, mild as it was. “Geez, Jay! I wasn’t mad, but I am now! Give a girl a little warning next time, would you?”

“Sorry, Hailey.” He ran a hand down his face, hoping to rid some of the sleep from his brain since she was obviously awake enough to have this conversation. “Wasn’t thinking. So, yes mad? Or at least a little?”

She was still rubbing the heels of her hands against her eyes as she answered. “No mad. Just… so unbelievably tired of this. One day, it feels like I’m making good progress. The next, I find out that my husband is afraid to even talk to me about guns, even though they’re a big part of both our jobs.”

Jay nodded somberly, putting a consoling hand on where he estimated her knee to be beneath the covers. “And you’re sure it doesn’t make you angry?”

“No, it does,” she countered. “But not at you. Just at everything. It would probably be easier if I were mad at you. But I can’t even really blame you for acting perfectly rationally. But I hate that it’s necessary. Or might be necessary. Or that it’s never going to be the same again because we’ll all always be wondering if it’s necessary even if we’re too polite to say so out loud.”

“I’m sorry, Hailey.” He meant it with every bone in his body, but the words still felt woefully inadequate. “I guess I missed the mark on that one.”

She nodded, leaning back into her pillows. Her eyes focused on the ceiling as she admitted, “I don’t like feeling like you’re keeping things from me. Even if I understand why.”

“I know.” He followed her movement, leaning on his elbow next to her. “And you have good reason. I should have been more sensitive to that, Hailey. Can you forgive me?”

“Probably,” she answered without any further explanation, and he couldn’t help but to respect her forthrightness. She flipped over again to rest on her front, extending her hand to him in place of an olive branch. “Some things are just harder to let go of than others.”

Jay traced a little heart into her palm before stamping it with a kiss. He felt like there was a lot more to say, but her face was more relaxed, and her eyelids were already heavier than they were five minutes ago. It was enough for now.

“You know,” he said, “your back is not going to appreciate it if you fall asleep on your stomach.”

“But it’s so comfy,” she whined.

“Tomorrow you is going to strongly disagree.”

“Fine. You can be quite the pill sometimes, Jay Halstead. You know that?” She turned again, hopefully the last time for a while, onto her side and scooted closer into him.

“People love pills, though.” He closed the gap and wrapped his arm around her waist. “They make you feel better in the long run.”

“What are you doing?”

Hailey recognized the voice, but she did not expect to hear it during her brief alone time in her car before leaving for her weekly therapy session. So she jumped, and she knew Adam saw her startled reaction.

“Sorry!” he exclaimed, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She unlocked the car doors and motioned him to climb in the passenger’s seat. “I’m fine. Just taking a moment to myself. It can be difficult to go straight from here to therapy, so sometimes I do these breathing exercises. It’s dumb, I know.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that,” Adam insisted. “It’s just a little concerning to see someone sitting motionless with their eyes closed in a vehicle. But if you’re sure everything’s okay, I’ll leave you to it.”

“I appreciate the concern, but you don’t have to worry, Ruze.” She hesitated before adding, “You’re not following me, are you?”

“No, of course not. Kim just asked me to come get something she left in the car. And since I am the consummate gentleman, I complied.”

Hailey eyed his empty hands. “Did you, though?”

“Well, I got a little distracted by the possibly unconscious person I saw across the parking lot. But I will skedaddle, since we both have other people waiting on us. You good, Upton?”

“I’m good. Thank you for checking.”

Adam gave her a quick nod before exiting her Jeep once more. Hailey watched him in the mirror, giving him the chance to cross the parking lot before she backed out of her space. But he stayed where he stood, clearly waiting for her to leave before he continued with his business. And if she wasn’t already curious about what he was really doing in the parking lot in the middle of a workday, she definitely was now. But between the two of them, she was the one who had someplace she needed to be. So she pushed her questions to the back of her mind, took one more deep breath, and put her car in gear. Adam’s sketchy behavior would have to wait; she had bigger fish to fry, and she knew that making it to her appointment on time was the first step.

Chapter Text

Jay steadied his hand against the grip, finger relaxed over the trigger, waiting for the signal from his instructor to commence.

For all his whining about having to repeat a class in something that was practically second nature to him, he actually enjoyed the opportunity to spend some quality time with his gun. 

After all, he hadn’t developed the ability and reputation he had as a marksman from nothing; he had always liked shooting. The way the cool metal felt in his hand. The amount of patience and precision required to get the right shot. The way something just clicked in his brain when he lined the sights up with his target. It hadn’t taken him long during his basic training to recognize that he was above average in this particular skill set. But it was more than that. It was like something changed in him once someone put a firearm in his hands. His sense of confidence and responsibility seemed to bloom from out of nowhere. He wasn’t just a recruit anymore; he was a soldier. And it was no time at all before the heavy chunk of metal became an extension of himself, something he cherished and controlled just as much as any other part of his body.

So, while it was ridiculous that he had to prove that connection to anyone, Jay really didn’t mind that his first official days back on the police payroll were spent at the shooting range.

“Fire!” he heard the instructor bellow, though faint through his protective earmuffs. And as soon as he heard the go-ahead, he unleashed ten bullets in rapid succession into the target silhouette, center mass. Then he went ahead and fired a few more around the initial cluster, just for good measure. He knew he was showing off, but he didn’t care. If the whole point of this class was to assess his readiness with a gun, then he might as well show them what he could.

Some of the less experienced officers weren’t as quick as he was, so his mind wandered back to his Glock while they finished up. How much comfort he took from the feeling of it resting on his hip. He knew a lot of cops didn’t like to go anywhere without their weapons. Both he and Hailey had been without theirs, for the most part, for months now. It had been unfamiliar, at first, but it didn’t take long for him to grow accustomed to moving about town as a civilian. But Hailey had been back at work for weeks, and she had mentioned her gun exactly once during that whole time. He knew she felt its absence, was plagued by shame every time she was reminded about it. It made sense that she didn’t bother bringing it up until she felt she was ready to get it back.

But damn, how much that must have bothered her to be without it for so long.

They had never really talked about it, never compared their levels of dependence on how armed they were on any given day. She was a fine shooter; more than once had saved his life, if he was being honest, in one way or another. But had she been as lost without her piece this whole time as he would be if the situations were reversed?

Jay brought in his target at the instructor’s command, quickly verifying that he had at least ten holes in the paper person. He needn’t have worried; there were fourteen, eleven of them bunched around right where the fictional offender’s heart would be.

He still had it.

The instructor gave an approving nod when he got to Jay’s station, but nothing more. And while he certainly didn’t need any external validation about his performance, it just wasn’t as much fun without the teasing and banter that came from a trip to the range with his wife, or even his colleagues.

It wasn’t just about him and his gun. Not anymore. And if Hailey was prepared for this, it would be a lot more meaningful for them both to take this next step together. They had experienced some hiccups, sure. But nothing that scared him. Nothing that made either of them feel like she was a danger. If Jay removed his emotions and his perhaps disproportionate worry for her from the equation, there was no reason he could cite that she shouldn’t be standing right here next to him. She was holding up her end of the bargain, trusting him despite what happened in the past, and they were drawing closer every day. It was time he allowed her that same opportunity.

Jay was distracted, now that he had come to peace with it, as he returned the equipment, secured his gun, and signed his performance report. In fact, he barely registered when the clerk verified that his results would be forwarded to the Bureau of Patrol. That meant he could hear about his new assignment at any time, but he couldn’t really focus on that. Amidst all the excitement of checking off the last of an extensive list of prerequisites, all he wanted to do was to get home and share the good news with his wife. 

But it was going to take a lot more than an epiphany born of boredom at the gun range for Jay to get completely on board with Hailey making that leap. There was an unspoken tension between them, and neither was surprised when their therapist picked up on it the next day at counseling.

“I don’t know why it scares me so much,” he explained. “It’s not logical, I guess, because I know you’ve been driving a car and using kitchen utensils without any major catastrophes. Just something about your gun just gives me pause.”

“What about driving?” Hailey asked. “You weren’t comfortable with me driving by myself at first, but you were still okay with me doing it. Why is this different?”

“Come on, Hails,” he shook his head. “Don’t make me say it.”

“Jay,” their therapist Marcella said, “if you guys are trying to move away from making assumptions about each other’s intentions, comments like that aren’t going to be very helpful. If you want Hailey to really understand how you feel, you need to tell her outright.”

She was right. Damn it.

“Because. You didn’t threaten to run yourself off the road that night, Hailey. It’s easy for me to think about you driving and not be instantly reminded of that night. And I can’t say the same about your gun.”

“I understand that. I was that way, too, for a while. Hell, I felt that way about our apartment at first. But I’ve been doing the work for months to prove to myself and to all you other people who were breathing down my neck that I could put that night behind me. And I guess I’m having trouble understanding why you can’t do the same. What has to happen for you to get over this hang-up?”

Jay shook his head. “Nothing. Just forget about it. I’m not going to stop you, Hailey, just like I didn’t with the driving. It’s not my place, and I got used to that eventually, so I’m sure I will about this, too.”

“Jay…” she stood up and crossed the room to look out the window. He had never considered pacing during therapy before. Didn’t know that was allowed. “I’m trying to understand. I know I sound defensive, but you can’t just shut down like that.”

He gave a helpless little shrug. “I don’t know what else there is to say. This is obviously a me problem, so I need to figure it out without letting it weigh you down.”

“Jay,” Marcella asked, “what do you mean by that? A ‘me’ problem?”

He only just refrained from groaning out loud. Clear communication was all well and good, but being forced to spell out every little thing was grating on his nerves. “That it’s a problem only for me. That Hailey’s already overcome whatever hesitation she once had, and whatever is still lingering is stuff that I’m projecting onto her.”

“Stuff like what?” His wife was the one to ask this time. She was still standing, but she turned back toward him. And when he couldn’t give a straight answer, she went on. “Stuff like what happened in Bolivia?”

“It’s possible.”

Marcella asked, “What happened in Bolivia?”

“A lot. But what I think Hailey is addressing was an incident that badly injured three of my men. I was dealing with the fallout from that when I heard about her, so then I left in a bit of a rush. I guess it’s possible that I conflate the two scenarios.”

“That would make sense,” Hailey said, meandering back to the loveseat and planting herself next to him once more. “You left before that situation was resolved, and I know that was really haunting you for a while. You didn’t have any control, of any of it. Maybe this is your subconscious’s way of trying to make sense of it all. You couldn’t change that outcome, but you do still have some say in how this one turns out.”

“Maybe.” He ran a hand down his face. “I don’t know. I think I just need a little more time. And maybe this is just going to have to be one of those leap-before-you-look situations. Maybe it will be fine if I don’t spend too much time thinking about it.” 

Hailey snorted. “That’s kind of ironic, because I feel like that’s all I’ve been thinking about. Like, I know I’ve made little steps here and there getting towards normal, but this has been the big one hanging over my head. I guess it never occurred to me that you weren’t dwelling on it as much as I was.”

“I don’t want to feel this way, Hails,” he insisted. “I wish I could be a better advocate for you. But I can’t just change the way I feel. I can’t turn it off like a light.”

He felt her hand, warm and firm, against his knee. “And I’m not asking you to do that. I’m just trying to understand, Jay. Please, help me understand. Help me figure out what I need to do to help you get past this hurdle.”

“Hailey, the last thing I want to do is hold you back. If the doctor okays you to get back to the range, I’m not going to argue. Maybe it is tied in to Bolivia. But even before I left… I have a pretty long list of times when I couldn’t save someone. I think that’s kind of what led me to quit. Because Afghanistan is one thing. I was powerless against my mom’s cancer. But you… I just couldn’t live with myself when you were the one I was letting down.”

Tears. Damn. Jay swallowed briskly and cleared his throat. 

“And Bolivia was supposed to fix all that,” Hailey summarized. “But it didn’t.”

“Sure didn’t. Maybe that’s why I’m holding onto this so hard. I don’t want to relinquish control again. I feel like we’ll be right back where we were two years ago. Only this time, I won’t be anywhere around to protect you.”

“We’re not,” Hailey said, and there was no arguing with her tone. “So much has changed in those years, and I’m choosing to believe that everything I’ve gone through, personally, wasn’t in vain. And I think that’s true for you, too. Both of us are different. Stronger, in my opinion. And a lot more aware of our pitfalls, and also more determined not to repeat them. I can’t predict what the future holds, but I can promise you that I’m going to do my best to be the kind of cop who doesn’t make you worry every time I step out the door. And as far as your hero complex-”

“I prefer the term ‘protective streak.’”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Whatever you want to call it. You know that’s of your own making, right? No one expects you to be Superman. If you continue to hold yourself to those impossible standards, you’re always going to be disappointed in yourself. And you are too good a man, Jay Halstead, to live with that burden. I love that you care so much about your people, but at a certain point, you just have to accept that your responsibility to others only goes so far.”

He nodded, but his eyes stayed glued on the carpet. It wasn’t until they had wrapped the session up and were heading out of the building that he could bring himself to look at her again. He felt an overwhelming urge to explain himself to her, to reassure her, but when he opened his mouth, every reasonable thought in his head vanished.

Fortunately, she knew his cues and cut him off before he stressed himself too much. “You know I love you, right?”

He nodded, and her assurance helped him find his voice again. “I love you, too.” That was the most important thing, the underlying message of anything else that might have come out of his mouth. “I’m sorry everything is so complicated.”

“Hey,” she stopped, grabbing his arm for him to do the same. “We can do complicated. We’ll figure this out, Jay. Yeah?”

He couldn’t help himself. The earnest look in her eye, combined with softness infused in her voice, drew him to her like a magnet. His arms wound securely around her, leaning into the hug with a fierceness that surprised both of them. The faint smell of her conditioner and the way she fit perfectly into his chest calmed him, and if he had any doubt about her claim, being surrounded by her squashed it completely. “Yeah,” he answered.

“I got your six, Halstead. Always.”

They held onto each other just a moment longer, keenly aware that they were in a busy vestibule. She pulled away first. “Coffee? Or do you just want to go home and watch the Blackhawks?”

“Are you kidding me?” he responded. “I’m not about to start messing with our post-therapy ritual at this point. I’m pretty sure we can do both.”

Hailey couldn’t remember a time that her life had been so consumed by doctors’ appointments. Even when she had been injured on the job, her visits had been few and limited. But now, it seemed like everything in her life hinged on what her psychiatrist said.

She was nervous. She wouldn’t deny it, coming back for her first follow-up since she had been plunged back into real life. She had gone back and forth about whether she wanted Jay to accompany her, but he was still waiting to hear about his new assignment, so she had no reason to deny him when he made the offer. And now, as she made her way up to Dr. Broder’s office, Hailey was glad she wasn’t alone. They were doing construction on the entrance she was used to using, so parking and finding their way was already giving her stress before she even set foot in the office. She had managed to settle down a bit by the time her doctor came into the room.

“So, how are we doing, Hailey?”

She took a deep breath before answering, “That’s a pretty open-ended question.”

“You can interpret it however you like.”

“Good, I guess? Better, at least. I’ve been back to work, which has been a challenge, at times. But, for the most part, I’m coping with it. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, but each day I feel a little more confident about it.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. Can you tell me a little bit more about what you mean when you say it’s been a challenge?”

“Well, it’s exhausting, for one. I feel like I’m just constantly aware of how whatever is going on around me is affecting me, and acting accordingly if I feel like it’s getting to be too much. So it’s like every task takes twice as much energy, and sometimes more time, too.”

“It sounds like you’re saying that the shifting of your mindset has been more of a challenge than the work itself; would you say that’s accurate?”

Hailey pondered his question for a moment. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Have you had any concerns about being back at work? Any obstacles that got you stuck?”

“No,” she shook her head slowly, “I don’t think so. I’ve mostly been going off of other people’s reactions. But my sergeant seems satisfied with my performance, and Jay hasn’t gone sick with worry, so I think I’m happy with the progress I’ve made. In fact… we were just talking the other day about getting in some practice at the shooting range. But I guess I need your clearance for that.”

“That would be quite a big step. But you do seem to be doing well. Tell me about your anxiety levels. Do you feel like the medication has helped?”

“For sure… it took a while, and the effect wasn’t as drastic as I hoped, but compared to how I was, I can tell that it’s been an improvement.”

“Any complications or side effects?” the doctor asked.

“Sometimes I still have a spotty appetite; it helped when I switched to taking it at night.”

“And what about the breakthrough meds? Have you been requiring the Xanax often?”

Hailey hesitated. “Not often. I’ve taken one a few times when I was having trouble sleeping. But, a couple weeks ago, I did have,” she twisted her fingers together as she searched for the word, “… an episode.”

“An episode?”

“An anxiety attack,” Jay answered for her. “She had an anxiety attack. It was rough, but she wouldn’t take the Xanax until she was already through it.”

Her doctor made a note on his computer. “I don’t remember you saying that you struggled with anxiety attacks. Is that new?”

“Old and new.” Hailey stuck her hands under her legs to keep from fidgeting. She had never tried to explain this to someone before. Even Jay had the misfortune to observe it firsthand, so she hadn’t needed to put it in words. “Not my norm, but occasionally when I was younger I would have these… well, these episodes, for lack of a better word, where I would kind of space out. And I didn’t even realize what I was doing, but for some reason, I would just scratch the hell out of my skin.”

“Scratch?”

Her heart quickened, Dr. Broder’s response confirmation that being this honest was a risk. She wanted to make sure he didn’t feel obligated to put her inpatient again, so she was quick to clarify. “It’s not self-harm. Not really. It’s not something I want to do, more like this irresistible urge… like I can’t think or focus on anything else. Like somehow the motion itself helps clear my mind.”

“Also,” Jay piped in, “she does have a tendency to pick or scratch at her skin when she gets anxious. Usually very mild, but… it kind of felt like that, but just really out of control.”

The doctor pursed his lips. “Have you ever heard of dermatillomania?”

“Um, no.”

“It’s possible that you have a mild form. It’s essentially a compulsive skin-picking disorder; some people pull out their hair. But it’s often associated with trauma. It’s sometimes seen in people who experienced abuse as children. But people who truly have the disorder do it constantly. They usually have several scarred areas because they can’t stop themselves.”

“Well,” Hailey admitted, “that description pretty much fits me to a tee. ‘Compulsion’ is actually a really good word to describe how it feels; I was worried that night that I wasn’t going to be able to stop. But it’s not constant. Actually quite rare.”

The doctor nodded. “Like I said, maybe a mild version. Or possibly a similar mechanism that just shows in response to stressors. There are multiple theories as to why this symptom is common in people with trauma, but most experts think it’s a response to emotional pain more than a desire to end things. It’s easy for people who aren’t familiar with these conditions to assume any attempt to self harm means someone is suicidal, but that’s not usually the case. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s not as much of a red flag to me as it might be to you. Obviously not something we want to ignore, but not totally unexpected when we’re looking at everything going on with you.”

Hailey brought her hands to her face, sighing in relief. “So… what do we do about it?”

“Exactly what you’re doing. Treating the cause. Identifying triggers. Recognizing the warning signs and cultivating other coping mechanisms instead. I can see that both of you were affected by it, which means you’ll probably be more attuned the next time it happens. You’ll have experience and foresight on your side, and can act to diffuse the situation before it spirals too far.”

And Hailey did feel better after hearing her doctor’s explanation, but she also was aware that she had set herself back in another area. “I guess you’re not going to clear me for target practice now, huh?” She tried to infuse some levity into her voice, but it fell flat.

He didn’t answer right away. “Hailey, if I set a gun down on that table beside you, what would you do?”

“Assess the scene, and then secure the weapon,” she answered instinctively.

Dr. Broder looked at Jay. “What would you do?”

“Same thing.”

“Okay, different scenario: something has happened to set you on edge. You start to feel that compulsion. The gun is still on the table. What do you do?”

“I wouldn’t touch it,” she answered with nearly the same conviction as she had the first time. 

The three of them sat in silence for a beat before the doctor went on. “As long as you are able to distinguish between the two mindsets, then there shouldn’t be a problem. But I want you to understand that I don’t have the police department in my back pocket; I can give them my recommendation, but I have no control over what they do with that information. That could mean you find yourself on full duty tomorrow, but they are also well within their rights to keep you in your current role. I want to make sure you’re prepared for either option before I put anything in writing.”

She looked at Jay, who was biting his lip. A clear sign of nerves, but also, maybe a little bit of excitement? She wanted this; she was pretty sure she was ready. But what she wouldn’t give to have someone else tell her so. “What’s the alternative?” she finally asked. “I stay where I am and then we have this same conversation in two months?”

“Essentially, yes,” the doctor agreed. “But think of how far you’ve come in the last two months. If you’re still uncertain now, there’s no reason not to think that a little bit more time might get you all the way there.”

“Or, I go completely stir-crazy by then that I forget how to do the job and get fired for getting on everyone’s nerves,” she countered. “I don’t think I want to wait. My COs have been pretty intentional about not giving me more than I can handle, so I don’t think you have to worry about them handing me my gun and just sending me on my way without a second thought. But I’m ready for the next step. And I am aware that it probably won’t be as easy as I would like, but… I’ve been handling things - we’ve been handling things,” she paused to look to her husband for his endorsement, which he gave with an enthusiastic nod, “that have come our way. I won’t improve any in the next few months if I’m not challenged, right?”

“I guess I can’t argue with that logic.”

The rest of her appointment was like a breath of fresh air, and it wasn’t until they were wrapping up, and Jay nudged her when the doctor asked if there were any other concerns or questions, that she remembered another point she wanted to bring up about returning to normal.

“Oh, right,” she said, once Jay mouthed the word ‘drinking’ to her. “What’s the deal with alcohol and my meds? Some people on the internet said it’s fine to drink while on SSRIs, but the only instructions I have say to avoid it.”

Dr. Broder sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Ideally, you would continue to abstain from alcohol while on the meds. But the fact of the matter is that that’s just not sustainable for a lot of people. There’s a couple of reasons: first, because it’s just not a great idea for people struggling with depression to drink. It can mask symptoms and exacerbate poor coping mechanisms. But also, some people notice that alcohol affects them differently while they’re on the meds. It can decrease your tolerance, or just make you feel rotten. So, I would recommend that you start slow. Nothing heavy or excessive until you know how it affects you, and definitely no driving.”

“So, for example, a glass of wine with dinner would be okay?” Jay asked.

“That would probably be a good place to start.” He turned to his computer to print out her updated documents. “Do you need a note for that, too?” he asked with a smile.

“Ha, ha,” Hailey answered. “I have zero plans to be drinking at work, so I think we can get a pass on that one.”

“I don’t know,” Jay said, a carefree grin adorning his face. “I can see Herrmann trying to cut you off at Molly’s unless you provide him with documentation.”

“All the more reason for our first night out to take place at an establishment that’s not owned and run by people who are way too up in our business.”

“Tell you what,” the doctor said, shaking his head in amusement, “I’ll include it, just in case.”

To whom it may concern:

Regarding Hailey Anne Upton, DOB 02.20.88

Ms. Upton has been under my care since August 9, 2023. I have been closely monitoring her treatment and progress from that date, and it is my professional opinion that she is presently of sound body and mind. My clinical recommendation is that she is fit to return to all duties required within her job without limitation. These duties include but are not limited to handling, carrying, and discharging firearms, in accordance with her job description. Ms. Upton remains under my care, and I am committed to her safe and successful transition back into the workforce. Please contact my office with any questions or concerns.

Physical restrictions: none

Scheduling restrictions: none

Additional accommodations recommended: none

Cordially,

Theodore S. Broder, MD

She couldn’t stop reading the note. 

It wasn’t until she had it securely in her hands that she allowed herself to acknowledge how much she doubted she would be cleared today. Even while she sat, pleading her case, there was a core part of her that never believed it would happen at all, let alone so easily. But it turned out that her physician, the expert in his field, who had no doubt seen many patients in her exact same position, agreed with her. Instead of dwelling on the few instances when she had given in to the easy way out, he was more focused on highlighting her progression.

Jay, too. Ever since that first day that she mentioned wanting to get back into the range, he had been walking a delicate line between supporting her aspirations and tending to his own concerns. She expected him to be more vocal about the ‘what ifs’ while the doctor supplied them with hypotheticals. But, she realized, by giving voice to her own worries, and allowing Dr. Broder to address them, she was placating his apprehension, too. Nothing was ever going to be perfect, and nothing was going to be set in stone. But she was to the point now where she could safely reintegrate into yet another aspect of regular life. And all three of them knew it.

Now, she only had a couple more to convince before she could get that gun back in her holster.

“Wait, is this the elevator we came up on?” Jay pulled her out of her reverie, forcing her to look up from the piece of paper and take in their surroundings.

“No…” She furrowed her eyebrows. “I thought we had to take another left first. Did we get turned around?”

“Maybe. But this elevator works, and down is down, right? Should still get us to the parking lot.”

Hailey hummed in agreement, eyes scanning the valuable document once more. The ding of the elevator announced its arrival, and she quickly moved to stuff the paper back into its folder. The car wasn’t that full, but she didn’t want to risk losing it. It was far too important.

Once they exited the elevator on the ground floor, Hailey dragged Jay to the directory on the wall to get their bearings. It wasn’t exactly warm outdoors, and she didn’t want to wander around the parking lot needlessly. Jay insisted he knew where they were, and she was prone to trust him, so she turned to follow him out the doors. But she stopped short at the sight of someone sitting on one of the chairs in the lobby.

“Patrice?” she asked.

The woman looked up, but her puzzled expression told Hailey that she couldn’t immediately place her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, walking over to her, “you probably don’t remember me, but you were my nurse a few months back.”

The light of recognition went on before Hailey could finish explaining. “Of course I remember you, Sleeping Beauty. And even if I didn’t remember you, I sure would have recognized this handsome man standing beside you! How have you been?”

“Good. I’m doing a lot better. Actually, I just had my follow-up with the doctor, and he cleared me for full duty at work.” Hailey nodded. “Look… you weren’t there my last night, so I never got a chance to thank you…” She paused, a ball of tears suddenly trying to make its way up her throat. She took a minute to compose herself before continuing, “I don’t know if you’re aware how much you helped me. But you did, a lot. So thank you, for being so kind to me when I didn’t believe that I deserved that kind of treatment. I’m not sure how things would have turned out if you hadn’t.” 

“Oh, come here, Hailey.” And she never would have guessed how easily she would give in to a public hug offered by a near-stranger, but something about this woman had felt inviting - safe, really - since the moment Hailey met her. So the invitation of her open arms, combined with the overwhelming emotions bubbling up just from the recollection of how lost she felt back then, was strong coercion for Hailey to do what she was instructed and lean into the nurse’s embrace. “You would have found your way, even on your own. Your inner strength was always evident to me, even when you couldn’t find it yourself. But I am glad I was able to help a little.”

Hailey let a tear or two eke out, squeezing extra hard before pulling away and wiping bashfully at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Yeah, maybe. I appreciate it all the same.”

“As do I,” Jay added from where he was awkwardly standing a few feet behind them. “Even though you did kick me out that first time.”

“Hey, that was all her doing,” Patrice insisted with a raised eyebrow. “I was just the messenger. But I did give her an earful about it that night.”

“She did,” Hailey verified. “I guess we have to give her the credit for how strong our marriage is now.”

“Now I don’t know about all that. You were both a bit of a mess back then. But hard times have a tendency to either draw people together or tear them apart. It looks like you guys took the right path, figured it out.”

“I told you.” Hailey turned back to face Jay and extended her hand toward him, a coy smile on her face. “I trust him with my life.” He said nothing in return, but did give her hand a good squeeze. “Anyway… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you. I’m sure you need to get back to work, but I was just surprised when I saw you sitting right there, and, well… I was just happy to see you.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that, hun. I’m not even here on shift, just had to come in for mandatory education. ‘De-escalation Techniques.’ As if I haven’t been de-escalating situations left and right on this job for twenty years,” she chuckled. “But I suppose I should get moving, class starts in five minutes.”

“I can attest to that,” Hailey said. “And please don’t downplay what you did for me those nights; I might not have been bouncing off the walls or acting out, but you helped me settle the chaos in my mind. And I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Patrice smiled. “It was sincerely my pleasure, Hailey. And I am so happy to see that you’re doing so well. Now, don’t be a stranger. I’m here four nights a week, and you know when visiting hours are.” She gave Jay a not-at-all-subtle wink, patted Hailey’s shoulder, and went on her way. 

Chapter Text

As exciting as it was for Hailey to be cleared for full duty at work, she soon discovered that sharing that news with other people wasn’t all that straightforward. After all, they had fallen into a comfortable groove in Intelligence. It had taken a minute for everyone to find their stride in the new hierarchy, but now that they had, things were running like a well-oiled machine. She wasn’t overly eager to disrupt the flow, especially since she had also been the reason they had to shift gears in the first place.

That was another thing. For all her effort to assure her colleagues that her situation was not anything they had to remain silent about, the topic of her restricted duties or the reason behind them was not one that was frequently discussed at work. Hailey knew it was common knowledge; they were all just being respectful. But that didn’t mean she wanted to stand up in front of the whole team and remind them of everything by announcing that it was no longer the case. 

Surely it would be a lot simpler to just ease back into things slowly. That was already happening, to some degree. Voight wasn’t watching her time on the clock as closely, and no one seemed to mind that she put in the extra hours when they were hot on a case. In fact, Hailey felt like she had arrived to a point where she was monitoring herself more than anyone else was. And if that wasn’t a sign that she was getting back to normal, she didn’t know what was.

So even though she was reluctant to advertise her accomplishment, she knew there was one person she needed to tell pronto, lest she suffer the consequences. So when she had a chance for a little break the next day, Hailey made a point to stop by Sergeant Platt’s desk.

“Afternoon, Sarge.”

Trudy gave her a skeptical look, eyebrow raised. “What do you want, Upton?”

“Nothing,” Hailey answered. “Not really. But I’m not a hundred percent sure who I need to give this to.” She pulled the paper out of a manila folder and slid it across the desk. “I know this doesn’t necessarily mean that my change in status will happen right now, but I want this to be on file when it does. Plus, I would really like to get some time in at the range. I figure I need some kind of official okay for that, too.”

Platt eyed the piece of paper with disdain. “You going to make me read all that?”

“Let me just highlight the bottom portion for you.” Hailey had to stand on her tiptoes to lean over the counter and point out the part that she meant. “No restrictions or additional accommodations needed. Signed by my doctor. He says I’m ready for full duty.”

“Well, would you look at that.”

“So… do I just leave it with you? Do I need to forward it to Medical, or Chief of Ds, or what?”

“Yes,” Platt answered. “All of the above. I’ll make sure it gets where it needs to go. But Hailey, there is one other person who should have this information, and it makes a lot more sense for you to walk upstairs and tell him yourself than for me to fax this to him.”

Hailey looked down at the formica countertop. “I know. But I feel like I need a little bit more defense before I bring it up with him, you know? He’s not going to change his mind just because of a note from my physician.”

“No,” Trudy agreed. “But I’m sure it would be to your advantage. As would addressing this directly with him. Show him that you can still be objective, not let emotions dictate how you’re doing your job.”

“I know,” Hailey conceded, somewhat dejectedly. “I will, I just need a little more time. How long do you think I have before it goes on my file?”

“I think I can probably buy you a week. Will that be enough time for you to journey to Oz and ask the Wizard for some courage?”

Hailey chose to ignore the sarcasm, knowing that would irritate Platt more than any response she could come up with would. “I will make that work. Thanks, Trudy.”

The whole ordeal got pushed to the back of her mind, however, when the case they were working jumped off. The investigation into a string of home invasions and assaults targeting employees of a Korean restaurant took a turn when they realized that a patron of the restaurant was behind it rather than another employee, as they had first suspected. Motive was still unclear, so Hailey found herself glued to a computer, cross-checking hours and hours of security footage with negative or threatening online reviews. It was a real needle-in-a-haystack situation, so she didn’t even ask for permission to come in extra over the weekend; she simply showed up and got to work. And no one said anything to her about it.

Eventually, she and Torres working together were able to isolate multiple reviews with similar syntax and patterns. The user names were all different, but three of the five came from the same IP address. That was enough for a warrant, so it wasn’t long before the team came rolling back into the district, suspect in tow, as well as his computer. He didn’t give up much in interrogation, but he didn’t ask for a lawyer, either, so Voight sent him down to holding for the night. Hailey was as surprised as the rest of them when he told them all to go home. The case was far from closed, but there wasn’t much they could do in the next few hours while the crime lab did their thing if their offender wasn’t talking.

“Anyone up for a drink?” Hailey asked tentatively as they packed up. “Jay said he would meet us at Molly’s if anyone’s interested.”

“What? I haven’t seen y’all at Molly’s in a hot minute,” Kevin commented.

“Yeah,” Adam added, “I thought you guys were too cultured and sophisticated for that kind of thing now.”

Dante scoffed. “What, like you two are there every weekend?”

“Yeah, Ruze. You and Burgess have no room to talk. It’s usually just me, Ocean, and sometimes Jordan up in there. It’s basically a singles bar, now.”

“Maybe it’s always been a singles bar,” Hailey posited. “I know Jay and I usually opt for somewhere a little, I don’t know, quieter. But it’s a Saturday night, I know none of you have plans because we all thought we’d be here, and it just seems like a good excuse for a relaxing night out.”

“Actually, Hailey,” Kim spoke up as she zipped up her jacket, “Adam and I do have plans. Mack’s at hockey practice, and we had talked about taking her to a movie after.”

“Oh, right,” Adam said, suddenly moving quickly and with intention to gather his own things. “I didn’t realize how late it was. Maybe next time, Hailey? It’s just that Makayla’s been kind of clingy ever since I was in the hospital, and we don’t like to leave her with a sitter too long-”

“You don’t have to explain it to me, you guys. It’s fine. I guess I probably should have factored the whole kid thing into the equation.”

Kim smiled at her. “Yeah. They really do change everything, but in the most amazing way. We just don’t really have the luxury of being spontaneous anymore. Rain check?”

“Absolutely. I will try to plan more in advance next time.”

“Put Jay in charge of it,” Adam said as he and Kim moved toward the exit. “He’ll have a spreadsheet itinerary drawn up and send us all daily reminders.”

“He’s not that bad,” Hailey said.

“If you say so,” Adam called, already out of sight down the back stairs.

She turned back to Kevin and Dante. “What do you say, boys? Will having a married couple around ruin the vibes for you?”

“Only one way to find out,” Kevin shrugged.

Jay had been surprised when Hailey texted him to ask how he felt about going to Molly’s. Even during their best days, rowdy nights on the town weren’t something they participated in on a regular basis. It hadn’t taken him long to learn that when she drank, it was to forget, not to celebrate. So it was a lot more common after a difficult case to find her alone in her apartment, nothing but a bottle of whiskey to keep her company. Misery might love company, but Hailey Upton was convinced that isolating her demons was a lot more practical. Even early in their partnership, Jay could see how protective she was, how this was yet another defense mechanism to keep anyone away who might see a little too clearly what was beneath her polished and composed exterior. So of course, he took it upon himself to dismantle that wall. He hadn’t even understood it completely, the first time he showed up at her apartment and informed her in no uncertain terms that he was not leaving her alone in such a state. And before long, it became their thing. Facing those demons together, no matter how vicious they were.

And they were still doing that, to this very day, though not in quite the same ways. So when Hailey told him that she actually wanted to spend some time drinking around people who weren’t him, Jay recognized that maybe that represented part of her recovery, too. Taking an activity that had always been marred by despair and reclaiming it as something else.

So of course he said yes and got himself down to Molly’s.

She was already there, positioned comfortably at a table in the back with Atwater and Torres. It was still relatively early, but it was a Saturday, so Jay was glad to move himself out of the fray quickly and plant himself there next to his wife. He gave the obligatory greeting to his former colleagues before taking a moment to look around.

It was like time had stood still, here. The bar looked exactly the same as it had the first time he set foot in it during that undercover assignment all those years ago. It was so odd, because he felt like he had become three different versions of himself in that same time frame. How could so much and so little change at the same time?

“What do you have?” he asked her, noting that they had already ordered.

“Gin and tonic. But don’t worry, I’m going slow.”

And Hailey’s openness drew the attention of their friends. “What about that, Upton? He counting your drinks?”

“No, because it’s not all that difficult to count to one,” she explained. “It’s just that this is the first drink I’ve had since I’ve been on the new medication, so I’m supposed to be extra cautious.”

“Why?” Torres asked with concern. “Is it supposed to do something?”

Hailey shrugged, and Jay was impressed at how nonchalant she seemed. “It just might mess up my tolerance, is all. The doctor said to just start with a glass of wine or something.”

“And you chose gin at Molly’s,” Jay said, leaning over to steal a sip of her beverage. “Basically the same thing.”

“Basically.”

Jay tried to stay engaged in the conversation, but he couldn’t help his mind from wandering. Once there was a lull in the conversation, Kevin excused himself to order another round, and Hailey took the opportunity to give him a look.

“What?”

“I don’t know. You just seem a little distracted. Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he took a sip of his beer. “I was actually just thinking about how long it’s been since we came here. Have we ever even been here as a couple?”

She shook her head. “I’ve actually only been here a few times. Never really got the appeal, if I’m being honest. It’s a lot of work, getting dressed up and going out to get drunk when I can just do that at home.”

“Then why’d you suggest it for tonight?” Torres asked.

She took a small sip of her drink before answering. “Trying to develop some new habits, I guess? Drinking in solitude never really worked out all that well for me.”

And Jay braced himself for it, the awkwardness that Hailey’s comment would bestow upon all of them. The same tension that hung in the air the last time he sat across from Torres in this bar on one of his first nights back. But it didn’t come. They had all still been in the throes of absorbing what had happened, back then, and their concern and fear had them all a little on edge. But now, Hailey was right here with them, directing the conversation straight toward the elephant in the room. And Jay hadn’t realized it, until this very moment, likely sitting at the exact same table, but the hindsight he now possessed showed him just how far they had come - all of them - in those few short months since the last time he drowned his sorrows in a beer at Molly’s. That had just been the beginning, but now he could see that they were truly starting to come out the other side. And they were coming out stronger.

“To new beginnings.” He held out his bottle for a toast, Kevin joining them back at the table just in time to join in, although he missed what had inspired the toast.

“I never really liked it much here, either,” Jay said, once they had all taken a sip from their drinks.

“Yeah,” Kevin stated, “seems a little weird to bring your wife to the bar that your ex used to own.”

“What?” Torres asked. “That seems like a story I would have heard before.”

Jay waved his hand casually. “It’s nothing. It started with an undercover gig before I was in Intelligence. Gabby was great, but we just weren’t really a good fit. I was talking more about getting shot here.”

Hailey rolled her eyes. “Here we go again. You asked for a story, Dante? You’re going to get one.”

“Hey.” Jay feigned offense at her comment. “That bullet is the one that got me into Intelligence. We never would have met without it. This should be your favorite story ever.”

“Yes, I love to hear tales about ways that you almost died. Best pastime ever.”

“What, you’re the only one who gets to be dramatic anymore?” he challenged her.

“Fine. Tell your little story about how the big bad mafia guy got the jump on you. That’s great energy to put out there right before you start a new assignment.”

He gave her a gentle kick under the table. “Your reverse psychology isn’t going to work on me, Hails. If Torres wants to hear the details of my acts of heroism, who am I to deny him?”

She just shook her head, evidently done trying to persuade him. She pulled out her phone and started messing with it, but the way she leaned into his side as she did so told him she wasn’t really upset. And he made sure to exaggerate certain points of the story, sure to goad her into contradicting him. And when she did, he gave her a smug smile. Despite her objections, he knew she was listening. No one could resist a compelling story about a badass cop. Not even someone as stubborn as his wife.

We missed you guys tonight, but I’m sure Makayla was glad to see you. Hopefully we can do this again soon with a little more head’s up so we can all be there. Give Mack a hug for me and have a good weekend!

Adam: Or, another suggestion: you guys just bring a six pack to the rink. We pregame there and then all hit up a family friendly movie together. Win-win situation.

That sounds kind of great, actually. When’s her first game?

Kim: November 5. I’m sure she would love some extra fans in the stands!

Adam: Yeah, but we could use people for the Dec 10 game, too. That’s our week to bring the snacks

You’re hilarious, Ruze. I’ll chip in five dollars, but surely you can buy some bananas and a pack of Capri Suns?

Kim: They actually have some stringent guidelines :( Gotta be careful of allergens and artificial dyes

Adam: You’ll see, once you and Jay board the baby train. It’s not like it was when we were kids. These parents don’t play around.

Hailey, just checking up on you. It’s been a while. I know that you and Seth have talked about some things, so I guess you’re just not answering my messages for a reason. I hope that you will respond to let me know that you’re okay, even if you don’t want to talk about anything else. But I would love to hear from you either way. Let me know if you need anything.

Jay and I are well, Mom. I don’t mean to be avoiding you. Just trying to 

Thanks, Mom. Your concern means a lot. I’m just not sure if I’m ready

We are both doing well. Jay is fully recovered from his surgery, and I’m getting back into the swing of things at work. I appreciate you reaching out. I’m still trying to get my head around how I feel about everything. When I’m ready to talk again, I’ll let you know. I love you.

 

“You writing a novel over there?” Jay asked as he moseyed out of the bathroom in his flannel pajama pants. “You haven’t moved since I got in the shower.”

“No. Just trying to figure out the best way to respond to my mom’s text. She thinks I’m icing her out.”

There was a beat of silence as Jay plopped on the bed beside her and got situated. “Are you?”

“No.” Hailey twiddled with her thumbs against the screen in front of her. “At least, that’s not my intention. I just need some time, I think, and distance. But I can tell she’s taking it personally.”

“Want me to read what you have so far?”

“No, thanks.” She pressed the send button and set the phone face down on her nightstand. “Everything I say sounds wrong when I reread it, but it’s all just different versions of the same thing. So I’m just going to bite the bullet and hope she knows what I mean. What about you? How are you feeling about our foray into our new normal?”

“You mean about tonight?” Jay clarified. “It was good. I told you, Hails: I’m fine dealing with things as they happen. Just can’t spend too much time thinking about it beforehand. That’s when I might have a tendency to spiral. But It was fun. Not something I’d want to do every time we have a night out together, but reconnecting with the guys is good every once in a while. What about you? How did your gin and tonic settle?”

“Okay, I think,” she answered. “I’m pretty tired, but I can’t tell if it’s because my tolerance is shot or if I’ve just had a long couple of days. Either way, I drank it so slow that it didn't matter. Not even the tiniest bit buzzed.”

“So I wouldn’t be taking advantage of you if I did this?” He leaned in, hand cradling her cheek, and kissed her. Slowly at first, but she was responsive, so it rapidly deepened into something more. 

She smiled against him as she came up for air. “Definitely not taking advantage, but I’m not sure how into it I’ll be tonight. It’s been quite a week, and I really am drained.”

Jay took a moment before he responded, searching her face for any hint that there was more to the story. “Fair enough,” he declared, smacking the empty spot between them on the mattress. “Probably the right call for tonight. I might have had one beer too many myself. Feeling a little bloated.”

“Well, if I didn’t kill the mood, that will certainly do the trick,” she said, laughing. But she didn’t hesitate to curl up next to him when he opened his arm to her. “Maybe we’ll both feel a little sexier tomorrow. We can try then?”

“I’ll see if I can pencil you in.”

“Sarcastic ass,” she muttered as she started the rounds, running her fingers over each of the scars on his torso.

“Heartless tease.” He planted a soft kiss on the top of her head. “You going straight to sleep, or do you want to watch something? I was thinking something true crime so I can practice before I get back on the beat.”

She thought for a moment. “No murdered families. Maybe a white-collar crime?”

“Sure thing. Let me see what I can find.”

But apparently true crime documentaries that did not involve kidnapping and murder were difficult to come by. 

“What about Yellowstone?” she offered. “I never caught up to the new season.”

He put down the tablet and looked at her in disbelief. It took a moment, but she could tell the exact instant that he caught on to the implication of her comment. “You stopped watching once I left.” 

He said it as a statement, not a question, but she nodded back to him all the same.

“All right then.” He turned back to the iPad, fingers dancing across the screen as they sought the correct app. “Yellowstone it is.”

The weekend was appropriately revitalizing for Hailey, and she headed up to the bullpen Monday morning with renewed commitment to the job for which she was so grateful. It’s said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that was proving true. Now that she was starting to believe she was ready to be back in the field, the palpable excitement of each day on the job was easier for her to find.

She just had to talk to Voight. He would never reinstate her if he didn’t know he could. 

So that was at the top of Hailey’s to-do list at work this week. He was already in his office on the phone when she arrived, so she would just have to keep her eyes peeled for a good time to bring it up. In the meantime, she powered on her computer and started going through some of the other files that had been retrieved from their suspect’s computer.  

It was a lot to go through. It was mid morning before Hailey pulled herself away, stepping into the break room for a breather and a little snack. But she had used her last tea bag over the weekend. Fortunately, she was pretty sure she had a few extra in her locker. Kim joined her in the break room just as she was making a mental note to add it to the shopping list.

“Guess I’m not the only one who needs to break up the monotony.”

“Tell me about it,” Kim answered. “I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open.”

Hailey stepped aside to allow Kim access to the coffee pot. “Go for it. I’m going to go see if I have more tea in my locker.”

“Thanks,” Kim replied, but her voice was flat in a way that caught Hailey’s attention.

“You okay?” Hailey asked. “Mack didn’t keep you guys up all weekend, did she?”

Kim laughed. “No, that kid sleeps like a log. Show off. I guess I didn’t sleep all that well last night, but I’m fine.”

Hailey chuckled, patting her coworker on the back as she made her way to the locker room to search for her tea. But once she returned to the break room to finish doing up her drink, she noticed that the coffee hadn’t been touched. In fact, a quick finger to the pot confirmed it wasn’t even fresh. And when she headed back to her desk, mug in tow, Hailey could see plain as day that the only beverage on Kim’s desk was a yellow Gatorade.

She nearly dropped her cup, just barely managing to set it down on the edge of the desk when it came over her. The realization that she reacted to even before her mind fully caught up. There were only a few reasons someone as tired as Kim claimed to be would abstain from caffeine. But that, coupled with other tidbits that were now emerging from Hailey’s memory, told her everything she needed to know. The way Kim rapidly came up with a reason they couldn’t go to the bar. Adam’s vague explanation about what Kim needed from their car. His explicit use of the word baby when he texted her about the complexities of modern parenting.

But why would they be working so hard to keep that news under wraps? After what had happened during Kim’s first pregnancy, Hailey was surprised Adam didn’t cover her in bubble wrap and tape her to her seat.

But then a second realization came nearly as swiftly as the first. Was this because of her? It would really cripple Intelligence to have two of their officers sidelined. Was it possible that Kim was delaying her own stint at the desk in an effort to keep the unit running smoothly?

Hailey hoped that wasn’t the case, and she honestly doubted that either of them - and definitely not both - would take such a risk again after what happened last time. She wasn’t so self-absorbed that she assumed herself to be the primary reason for her colleagues to be acting a little suspicious. But it would be ignorant to dismiss herself from the equation completely. Even if the staffing issue didn’t factor into their personal decisions, it still was a reality. And if her hunch was correct, she knew that Kim would need the respite much more than she currently did.

But before she made any rash decisions, she needed to do her due diligence. She needed to talk to Kim. And then she needed to talk to Voight.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Burgess, do you have a minute?” Hailey made sure to keep her voice level. She wasn’t even sure what exactly she was going to ask, but she knew she wanted to be subtle about it. “You’re looking through the files from May and June, right?”

“Yeah,” Kim called from behind her. “What’s up?”

Hailey scrambled, trying to formulate some believable excuse for why she needed Kim’s help. “Do any of them have attachments to a spreadsheet? A few of these ones from July do, and I can’t really figure out what they’re tracking.”

That did the trick. She heard Kim push her chair back and come up behind her, leaning over to get a better view of her screen. “That looks like some kind of ledger,” Kim pointed out. Hailey knew that, of course, but she wasn’t about to blow her cover. “Was he making payments to someone? Or someone to him?”

“I don’t know,” Hailey answered. “The amounts are easy enough to follow, but everything else is just gibberish. Probably in code. Which begs the question: did Wilson know he was going to get caught? Or was there someone else in his life he was hiding things from?”

“Maybe both. Let me see if I can find any more of those documents. Maybe it will be enough for a warrant into his financials.”

“Wait,” Hailey called before Kim walked away again. Her cover story worked too well, and she had almost gotten too wrapped up in the case to do what she had been trying to do in the first place. But time was not on her side, and there were very few delicate ways that Hailey could discern to approach this topic. So she threw caution out the window and circled back to the factor that had clued her in in the first place: coffee. “You know, I just wanted to tell you, that I did have more of those tea bags in my locker, if you want one. It’s definitely not the same as caffeine, but the lemon and vitamins give it a little zing so that it can still be a pick-me-up. If, you know, you’re avoiding caffeine for some reason.”

Kim didn’t answer. Instead, she circled from behind Hailey to the other side of the desk, leaning over the chair that she still thought of as Jay’s even though he hadn’t been near it in a year, and made eye contact with Hailey for the first time since they started the conversation. And her face didn’t give away much, but there was a fear peeking out in the whites of her eyes. It was enough to make Hailey feel bad about bringing it up. And it was enough to confirm that her suspicion was correct.

But her concern for her friend overrode any satisfaction she got about solving this puzzle that hadn’t been assigned to her. None of this was about making Kim feel bad, and it was apparent that she was failing on that front, so now it was her responsibility to fix it.

“Or,” Hailey amended, “I was thinking about stepping outside for a few minutes. Some sunshine and brisk air can work wonders, too. Care to join me?”

“Sounds nice,” Kim replied.

“Where are you two going?” Adam asked, watching them both pull on their jackets. As if he hadn’t been three feet away and heard every word they had just said.

“Just getting a little fresh air,” Kim assured him. “We’ll be back in ten.”

It felt excessive, truth be told, escaping the bullpen to discuss the matter. Obviously, Adam was already in on this, and she wouldn’t be surprised if Atwater knew something, too, since he was close to them both. Torres was hardly a gossip. And it was pretty much an exercise in futility to try to keep anything from their CO. But the fact that Burgess hadn’t been benched yet told Hailey that they had managed to do it, for however brief a time. And the way that neither of them even considered using the main staircase to get outside was a strong indicator that Platt was out of the know, too.

Again, Hailey was struck with a sense of guilt that she was forcing Kim to disclose something before she was ready. So the minute the door of the building closed behind them, she said, “Look, Kim, I didn’t mean to back you into a corner. You don’t have to tell me anything, if you don’t want to. But I just… I got a hunch, and I know there are a lot of moving parts to this, but I want to make sure that you’re not carrying something by yourself if you don’t want to be.”

Kim shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and nodded. “You sound like Adam.” 

That made Hailey laugh, in spite of herself. “Yeah, I get that all the time.” There was another heavy silence as they made their way to the sidewalk for a lap around the block, and she thought her eardrums might burst from how oppressive it felt. Things were already awkward, so there wasn’t much to lose at this point. “How far along are you?”

“About six weeks, we think,” Kim answered. “I haven’t even confirmed it with my OB yet. That’s why we’re still keeping everything hush hush. I’m not letting myself get attached until I know for sure what we’re dealing with. Haven’t told Makayla. Haven’t told Voight.”

“Do you have an appointment scheduled?”

“Yep,” she nodded. “Thursday. Hoping like hell we aren’t in the thick of a case that day because me getting away is one thing. But I really want Adam to be there, too.”

“We’ll make it happen, Kim. You don’t need to be worrying about that on top of everything else.”

Kim swiped at her cheek with the back of her knuckle. “No, but I do. I do, Hailey, because I just can’t stop thinking about last time. I made so many mistakes. And it’s not often in life that you’re given second chances, you know? I just don’t want to screw it up again.”

“Hey, don’t think like that,” Hailey answered, panicking slightly with the realization that she was the only one around right now to console a hormonal pregnant woman, who was actually making a pretty valid point. “You and Adam are in a completely different place than you were before. He knows how much you love him. And he knows that you weren’t trying to hurt him back then.”

“I know,” Kim nodded, “but so many of my decisions back then were because I was confused about how I felt about him. I’m not confused, anymore, but also… what are we? Is there a singular label to describe what we are to each other? Because I tell you what, it’s difficult enough to try to explain to people that we’re both Makayla’s parents and that we’re together but not married. Trying to incorporate a pregnancy into that narrative is just going to further complicate things.” She didn't have the chance to say anything else because her phone started to ring. “Speak of the devil,” she muttered before answering. “Damn, another one? Where? … Yeah, we’re close. See you soon.” She put the phone back in her pocket and groaned. “We caught another case. Two bodies found torched in a car in Canaryville.”

“Wonderful,” Hailey answered, the sarcasm dripping from her tone.

Most of the team was already gone by the time they returned to the district five minutes later. Ruzek alone was waiting for Kim in the parking lot, car on and ready to go. “You need anything before we head out?” he asked her, the concern evident in his face. 

Hailey chided herself that it took her as long as it did to put two and two together, because reading Adam was as easy as reading a book. Upcoming appointment or no, there was no way they were going to be able to keep this secret much longer. “You kids have fun at the crime scene,” she told them. “I’ll be working on the Wilson case unless I hear from you.”

“Copy you, Upton,” Adam said.

“I know you guys will be able to figure it out.” She patted the hood of Adam’s Jeep before they sped away, hoping that Kim’s succinct nod meant that she understood Hailey’s double meaning. She made a promise to herself to avoid meddling in people’s business ever again, at least in matters involving pregnancy, because it got her in way over her head.

The solitude of the empty squad room called to her, so Hailey trudged back up the stairs to continue searching for anything actionable in Wilson’s computer files. There were no instructions from Voight: no hastily scribbled post-its labeling priority folders, no messages relayed through Platt on what she needed to work on, no red circles on the case board to highlight her next steps. His micromanagement of her time alone at the district had become less and less over time, but now it seemed that was a thing of the past. She knew what needed to be done. He knew that she knew, and that she would do her best to accomplish it.

It was almost like he trusted her, as the second-highest-ranking member of Intelligence, to get the job done. And it made her smile. Every time she felt that someone else important in her life had faith in her, it bolstered her own sense of confidence. Believing in herself was one thing; having other people believe in her was everything. She was ready. It was time to get away from the desk. It was time to talk to Voight.

Fate, however, had other plans, because she didn’t see anyone else from the squad the rest of the day. The two bodies in Canaryville were found in a populous area, so witness interviews were still ongoing as the clock ticked six p.m. And while there was no one to tell Hailey that it was time to go home, the lack of work flowing from their new case told her it was so. Nothing about the crime indicated it was anything other than an isolated event; with no immediate danger to the public, the whole team would be sleeping on this one while they waited for DNA results and any other evidence from the crime lab. So she felt no guilt about shutting down her computer and heading home. There would be plenty for her to do in the morning; fretting about it now wouldn’t accomplish anything.

And she was right. She rolled up to the bullpen early the next morning in anticipation of a busy day. Kevin was already there, putting together their new case board with Voight’s input. Hailey was drawn to it, eager to gather the details, make some observations, formulate some theories, and track them down. But after the events of yesterday, she wasn’t going to waste any more time. 

“Hey, Sarge, can I talk to you for a minute?” Hailey nodded toward his office.

Voight didn’t answer out loud but led the way to the office, shutting the door behind her. “What’s up, Hailey? I hope this isn’t about the Wilson case, because I just sent all our info to the ASA’s office; he’s set for arraignment first thing.”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I think we found enough to keep him behind bars until their investigators get the DNA results. But I just wanted to ask your opinion on something.”

“Oh? And what’s that?” He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands. The look on his face was something akin to amusement, and it made Hailey wonder if he didn’t already know exactly what she was about to ask. She didn’t think Platt would break her confidence like that. But, just yesterday she had been reminded that it was nearly impossible to keep things from Voight. If that was true for Kim and Adam, then it was true for her, too. Maybe she hadn’t been as discreet as she thought.

Or maybe her readiness to get back in the field was obvious in more eyes than just her own.

Either way, she still had to be the one to make the first move. She took a deep breath and said, “If you think I’m ready to be reinstated to full duty.”

He gave a little shrug. “That’s not up to me to decide, Hailey.”

“Actually, it is. I got a note from my doctor at my appointment last week that there’s no clinical reason for me to be restricted anymore. Platt submitted it to all the higher-ups, so my understanding is that now, once the paperwork goes through… it just becomes a matter of your approval.”

“Good to know.” He stood up and moved toward the door. “I’ll keep that in mind. For the moment, I need you to dig up everything you can on our two fire vics: Benjamin and Naomi Everett. Teenaged siblings from Wicker Park. There’s a story here, and we haven’t even begun to figure it out.”

The rapid change of subject made Hailey dizzy. She stood to keep up as Voight opened the door. “Of course, I’ll be happy to look into that, but Voight… I wasn’t expecting you to reinstate me today, but can you at least tell me what you’re thinking? Give me some sort of timeline?”

He turned back toward her, a more pensive look on his face. And she could tell he was measuring his words carefully when he answered. “I’m thinking a lot of things, Hailey, including that I believe you have made good progress the past few months, and you are probably ready to get back in the field. I’m not sure that translates into me automatically making that shift in my unit just yet. Now that I know you’ve been cleared by your doc, I’m going to think a little on what the best way to proceed is.”

Hailey frowned. He was being way too vague for her comfort. Voight was not one to dance around what he wanted to say. “The best way for who?” she finally settled on as a reply, hoping that might give her a little hint as to whether he did in fact have an inkling about Kim’s secret, as she had suspected.

“Just be patient, Hailey.” He wasn’t going to give her a damn thing.

“Wait!” she called as he moved to open the door, a clear signal that this conversation was over. But her frustration at how it went caused her to abandon all sense of decorum. “Can I at least get my gun back?”

“I don’t have it.”

She responded, "Well, I know it's not on you, but you can get the ball rolling to retrieve it from wherever it's being held, right?"

Voight held up a hand to stop her before she got too far in her request. “Not much that needs to be done. It’s in my safe at home."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "Since you voluntarily relinquished it, and you were never officially stripped of it by the department, there wasn’t really a secure place to keep it here. And I didn’t want to risk it getting lost or stolen or used against you in any way.”

“Wait… so there was never any official mandate that I couldn’t have it this whole time? That was just your decision?”

He shrugged. “You didn’t need it. And you didn’t ask.”

And while both of those statements were technically true, the casual way in which Voight uttered them before leaving her alone in his office left Hailey fuming.

Jay sat, hands folded neatly beneath his chin, and stared at the letter on the coffee table before him.

He had forgotten about it. He really, truly had. The idea came to him on a whim, in the first few weeks that he and Hailey were reacclimating to each other after everything happened. He had been floundering, uncertain of where he stood with Hailey, what he was going to do now that he was back in Chicago, where they could go from here. At that time, it made sense to keep as many doors of opportunity open as possible. So, on the remote chance that he would be accepted, he filled out the application. And then, he forgot about it. Between his surprise surgery, Hailey’s struggles with her mother, and his acceptance and preparation for returning to the police department, the random application had slipped far from his mind.

Until today. He was growing antsy now that he was supposed to hear about his new assignment any day now. He suspected that information would come to him in the form of a phone call, but Jay kept a close eye on his email and their apartment mailbox, just in case his notification came in a bit more formal manner. So he had been excited to find a letter addressed to him when he checked the mail this afternoon. But that excitement soon faded when he made note of the return address. 

PennState World Campus.

A quick google search of virtual criminal justice programs had brought him there. He still, weeks later, couldn’t pinpoint exactly what made him decide to apply. He was pushing forty, for pete’s sake. If he wasn’t college material as a brooding teenager with a chip on his shoulder, what made him think that this might be the right move for him now?

He knew why. He had one pretty good reason for actually taking a risk to advance his career in a different direction. The hard part was rationalizing it. Figuring out if there was a way to explain this to Hailey without making her question everything they had been building together since he arrived home. Because a large part of him knew that she didn’t have to know about any of this. They were in a comfortable spot, the two of them, and for the first time in a long while, Jay felt like they were on the right track. Anything contrary to what they were planning, even if it was a good thing (and he wasn’t sure this was), would rock the boat.

But, no matter how he tried to convince himself to just toss the single page into the recycling bin and never look back, he knew that this was something he wanted to discuss with his wife. Firstly, because he had told himself he would on the off chance he was accepted. And secondly, because he was terrified of what would happen if he made any big decisions without her input. And, deciding not to do something was almost as big as deciding to do it, right? And, he hated to admit it, but part of him was just proud. Getting accepted into college - being in a place in life where he was even entertaining the idea of going - was not something he ever pictured for himself. He was a smart guy, but academics were never his strong suit. And even though Hailey had never given even a hint of disapproval about his lack of a degree, maybe there had always been a bit of an inferiority complex for him in that regard, at least in his own mind. If they were all about rediscovering who they were, rebuilding their marriage with a firmer foundation, maybe this was one aspect where he could better himself, too.

He wanted to share that with her. He wanted her thoughts, her opinions, the rational way she would spell out the pros and cons. But man, he was nervous to tell her. 

The watch on his wrist told him that he wouldn’t have to stew in this unease for much longer. She was due home at any minute, so he used the few moments he had left to run through the explanation in his head a few more times. The problem was, he got stuck every time he got to the part where Hailey would respond to his news. Because he had no idea how she would react.

But he was about to find out. He heard her key turning in the front door, and he stood to greet his wife after a long day away from each other.

“Hey, you,” he said, leaning against the counter as she kicked off her shoes.

“Hi,” she answered back, cheeks and nose as red as cherries. It must be windy out there. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, possibly a little too eagerly. “Just nice to have someone to talk to after spending all day alone, you know? How was your day? How was therapy?”

Hailey frowned at him. “I guess that means you still didn’t get your placement yet?”

“Nope. Nothing yet.” Jay scratched his neck, waiting for her to answer his questions before he proceeded. He really wanted to know what he was walking into. But when she failed to offer anything else up right away, he knew he was just going to have to go in blind. “Well, actually… I did get some other news today.”

“Yeah? About what?”

He reached for her hand. “Come sit down with me.”

“Jay…”

“It’s not bad. I promise. But do you remember a while back, when I first came home, and I was looking at other job listings to see if there was anything that I might be eligible for?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay. Well.” He ran a hand down his face. “We were both kind of in survival mode then, right? And I really had no idea then what the future had in store, so I was looking at everything. But some of the jobs wanted someone with a degree. So… one day, before I decided for sure on returning to the CPD, I filled out an application for a criminal justice program.” He reached for the paper on the coffee table and handed it to her. “It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and I didn’t really expect anything to come of it. I had actually forgotten about it, with everything else going on. But I got this in the mail today.”

“You got in.”

“I’m as surprised as you are.”

“I’m not surprised,” Hailey said. “I mean, that you applied, yes. That you were accepted, not at all. Your experience is probably equivalent to three of these degrees. I bet you could teach half of these courses.”

“Maybe,” he said. “But I guess experience doesn’t mean much if you don’t have that piece of paper to prove it.”

“That’s… that’s great, Jay.” Hailey pushed herself up from the couch, returning to where she had left her bag by the front door. But there was a hardness to her voice that told Jay that there was a lot more than what she was showing at surface level. “I’m really happy that that risk paid off for you.”

“Okay, but, your tone is telling me that you’re actually not very happy to hear this news.” Jay stood and carefully trailed behind her into the kitchen.

“I just… I’m just trying to understand why you are still so determined to keep me out of the loop. I feel like a broken record, Jay, because how many times have we had some version of the conversation where I get upset about you keeping something from me, and then we promise that we are going to be better about talking to each other?” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “Because I have to be honest with you, it’s starting to feel repetitive. And it’s starting to feel like maybe you don’t mean what you say. Or maybe you don’t understand what my expectations are when you promise that to me.”

“I do mean it, Hailey. I wasn’t sitting on this piece of news. I told you: I forgot. I knew it was a long shot and it seemed inconsequential in light of everything else going on around us.”

“Inconsequential to you,” she spat out. “You had no way of knowing how important that would feel to me, because you didn’t tell me. And I understand how maybe at that point I wasn’t in the best position to be receiving lots of unnecessary information. But when you continue to make unilateral decisions without my input, you have to know how minimizing that feels to me. You can call this an equal partnership all you want, but when you’re gatekeeping every piece of info that makes its way to me, that’s belittling, Jay.”

He could feel the anger and defensiveness rising up the back of his throat. “Please, Hailey, there are no unilateral decisions happening without you. I have told you twice that I didn’t even remember that this possibility was out there. I can’t make you believe that, and if you choose not to, well, then, that hurts me, Hails. But let me be clear: I am telling you now because my instinct was just to toss the letter and pretend like it never happened. But that felt like making a decision without you, so I figured it was best to let you know about my stupid impulse a few months back. That way we could decide together how seriously to consider this path.”

“Wait. So you’re not going to even think about it?”

“Of course not, Hailey!” Now it was his turn to pace, gesticulating in frustration. “Like I’m going to enroll in college now. What about our current situation would be even a little bit conducive to that?”

She let off a little huff and buried her face in her hands. Her cheeks still looked unnaturally rosy when she looked back up at him. “So why’d you even apply?”

His anger fled at the sound of defeat in her voice. “I told you. Or, I tried to, at least. That was a bumpy time, and I wasn’t sure where the two of us would land. I wanted options. I didn’t know what you would need from me, and I wanted to be prepared. And…” Jay hesitated to admit this last part, but he knew she deserved to hear it. Maybe it would help her really understand where he was coming from. “I really liked the idea of having something to fall back on. That way when… if… something happens again and I feel the need to escape, I would have an option that didn’t require me to leave the country.”

“‘When something happens?’”

“If.” He bowed his head. “Look, Hailey, I’m not planning for that to happen ever again. But I think it would be a little naive to act like it’s not a possibility. I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world to have a safeguard in place, just in case it does. You know, it’s like the logic behind seatbelts. You don’t plan to get in a crash, but you still buckle up anyway.”

“I just love that you’re comparing our marriage to a car wreck.” She shook her head a little before she continued. “So, what does that mean, Jay? Do you want to enroll or not?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I was really hoping to discuss it with my wife. Thought that might give me a little clarity.”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

“Not great, so far, if I’m telling the truth.”

Hailey stood, both hands on the counter, taking him in for a minute before finally saying, “Look, Jay, I’m probably not in the best headspace for an objective conversation right now. I’m sorry. And it’s possible that something that happened at work today exacerbated how I responded to you. But I meant what I said: it’s not up to you to decide what I should and should not be a part of. Whether you think you’re protecting me, or preserving my feelings, or whatever… it’s infantilizing, and it makes me feel like you don’t value me as an equal partner.”

“That’s not true, Hailey.”

“I’d like to believe that.” She pushed away from the counter and walked toward the front door. “And maybe tomorrow I will. But I certainly don’t feel like that right now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“Hailey!” Her only reply was a raised eyebrow as she waited, hand on the doorknob, for him to continue. “We’re not supposed to walk out on each other in the middle of an argument.”

“The argument’s over. And I need some time to clear my head. I won’t be gone long.”

Jay hung his head. This had gone more off the rails than he had imagined. “Hailey, I… Please, I’m not comfortable with you being alone when you’re upset.”

Now it was her turn to sigh. She took the few steps toward him and surprised him by reaching out to clasp his hand. “I’m in control, Jay,” she insisted. “I am angry, but I love you, and that’s why I’m taking a break from this conversation.”

“I love you, too.”

She pulled away. “Just give me a little time. I’ll bring back some dinner. Text me if there’s something specific you want.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “Please be safe.”

“I will,” she promised. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”

But, as Jay stared at the door long after she had gone through it and pulled it shut behind her, he was starting to think that nothing could be further from the truth.

Chapter Text

He trusted her.

He did. So if Hailey promised that she was in control, and that she was going to be safe, Jay had no reason to doubt her.

But still, relief washed over him like a blanket when he heard her come back through the front door forty minutes later, takeout in tow.

“Hi,” he greeted her timidly, taking the bags from her and placing them on the counter.

“Hi,” she breathed back, and with that single word convinced Jay that she had made the right call. He could hear the ease in it, no sign of the tension and irritation that had been so palpable that it lingered even after she left.

“I’m glad to see you.”

She just nodded in return. “I got Chinese.” She pointed lamely to the bags to emphasize. “I couldn’t remember if you preferred the spring rolls or the pork, so I got them both. I hope you’re hungry.”

He wasn’t. Not a hint of an appetite, but he had a feeling that disclosing that to Hailey at the moment would be a bad idea. “I like both. Thanks.”

She nodded again, then silently pulled out two plates from the cabinet. Neither spoke as they assembled their dinner, and Jay wasn’t sure if they had put the matter to bed for the night or if they were just in a time-out in the conversation. He couldn’t stand feeling like there was a giant wall between them, though. All it took was him noticing that she was just pushing her food around, too, to convince him to keep going. 

“Look, Hailey. I am sorry for how this happened. If I had a time machine, I would absolutely hop in and go back to that day I applied and figure out the best way to talk to you about it then. But, since I don’t have that capability… today, I was just doing the best with what I had. And I understand that that didn’t feel like enough for you, and I apologize for that. But Hailey, I really want you to understand that what I did today - showing you that acceptance letter - that felt like an act of trust. Because I wasn’t sure how you would react, what with another unforeseen circumstance. But when I weighed my options, I knew that keeping it from you was not the way to go. So, if there was a better way to go about this, I need you to tell me what it is. Because this is me trying, and if that’s still not enough for you… I’m not sure where we go from here.”

Hailey kept her eyes on her plate throughout his explanation, though he could tell from her rigid posture and the way she rhythmically rolled her chopsticks between her fingers that he had her full attention. When it became clear that it was her turn to fill the silence, she asked “You know what Voight told me today?” Then she licked a bit of sweet and sour sauce off her finger while she waited for his answer.

That was near the bottom of the list of things Jay expected her to say, and he couldn’t even begin to guess what her CO had told her, let alone where she was going with this.

Fortunately, it seemed to be a rhetorical question. She went on, “He told me he has my gun. In his personal safe. At his house.”

“What?”

“Yep,” she verified, still tracing shapes into her rice. “I told him that I had been medically cleared, and not only would he not give me a specific answer about when I could expect to be relieved of desk duty, but he also told me I had to wait to get my gun because it’s not being held anywhere on police property. It’s at his house.”

“I don’t understand. Wouldn’t it have to be secured and vouchered?”

“That’s just it. It didn’t have to be anything because surrendering my weapon was never a condition of my return to work. Not from the department. I just assumed that handling a gun was listed somewhere in my provisional paperwork, but I guess it wasn’t. So instead of explaining that to me, my sergeant just held onto it until I dragged myself into his office and asked for it. So then, I went to therapy and spent the entire hour venting about how this whole ‘trust’ part of my recovery feels a lot like a one-way street. How I’m supposed to just trust the process and trust my doctors and trust that people have my best interest at heart, but none of that trust seems to come back to me. Not easily, anyway. And I thought that Steven and I had gotten me to a place where some of that anger had worked its way out. But then I came home and got to experience yet another example where it felt like other people are deciding what happens to me and they only bother to mention it to me when they absolutely have to.” She sighed, giving up on her chopsticks completely and tossing them onto her plate. “I get that you didn’t do this to hurt me. I understand that it wasn’t intentional, and I can appreciate that. But that doesn’t make this feeling go away.”

“Okay… So what do we do with that?” he asked earnestly, his frustration overtaking his attempt at a sympathetic tone. “What am I supposed to do with that? I can’t undo it, and I’ve apologized… tell me how to make this right, Hailey.”

“Hell if I know.” Her words were laced with hopelessness, but she offered him a grim smile once they left her lips. Jay was feeling more unsteady the further they journeyed into this topic. But she locked eyes with him for a moment, and he found within her gaze an anchor for him to hold on to. The blue of her eyes wasn’t bright and glistening like it might be if their interaction had been positive or thrilling, but neither were they glossed over and dull like he had seen them become during moments of despair. They were just kind of… neutral. Open and observant and calm and controlled. He probably could have spent hours analyzing them, but she broke off the staring contest by turning back to her dinner. And this time, when she picked up her chopsticks, she actually used them for their intended purpose instead of as a fidget device. Jay took a few extra seconds just watching her before he was convinced that they were in as good a place as they were going to find tonight. It wasn’t where he wanted to be, but it was better than where they had been an hour ago, so he would take what he could get. And once he admitted that to himself, the knot in his stomach loosened enough for him to return to his food, as well.

And just when he had resigned himself to this - an evening of quiet coexistence - Hailey put her right hand, palm up, on the counter between them. There were no words, no apologies, no reassurances. Just the unspoken offer to provide a sense of connection when Jay felt like they were in separate orbits. So he didn’t have to think twice about placing his palm on top of hers and intertwining their fingers. And even though he knew the two body systems weren’t connected that way, he swore that the feeling of her warmth in his hand made it easier to breathe. He gave it three little squeezes while he worked to wrap a hefty bite of lo mein around his chopsticks.

Jay had no intention of being the first to unlink them, but the sound of his phone ringing changed that. He was hopeful that at long last he would be getting news on his job assignment, so that made the disappointment extra bitter when he dug his phone out of his pocket and saw that the name on his screen was none other than the one who had upset Hailey in the first place. He considered ignoring the call, but avoiding Voight wasn’t really possible. If he didn’t want the man showing up at his front door, answering the call was probably the best move.

That didn’t mean he had to be friendly about it. “Halstead,” he answered tersely.

“Jay. Is Hailey with you?”

“Yeah, she’s here.”

“And she’s okay?” And he could hear it now, the hint of panic in Hank’s voice.

He tried not to look at Hailey as he responded. “Yeah, she’s fine. Not too happy with you, at the moment, but I’m guessing you already knew that.” But he could still see it, in his peripheral vision, the way Hailey screwed her lips into a frown. Damn his excellent eyesight.

Voight breathed a sigh on the other end of the line. “That why she’s not picking up her phone? I’ve been trying to reach her for the last twenty minutes.”

Now it all clicked in Jay’s head. He moved the microphone away from his mouth, though he knew that would do little to muffle this side of the conversation to Voight’s ears, and asked, “Hails, did you forget to turn your ringer back on after therapy?”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened at the realization. “Yeah, I might have. Why, does he need me to come back in?”

“She just had it on silent,” he spoke back into the phone. “What’s up, Sarge?”

“Well, she left the district before I had a chance to talk to her about getting her gun back to her. It seemed important when she first brought it up, so I was going to bring it by your place. Or we could meet up at the range.”

“Tonight?” Jay asked.

“Yeah, if that’s what she wants.”

He held the phone away from his face again to address his wife. “Do you want to go to the shooting range tonight? He says he’ll meet us there with your gun.”

Hailey snorted, not even trying to hide the contempt in her voice. “Uh, no. He’s withheld it from me for this long; what’s one more day?”

Jay brought the phone back once more. “She says tomorrow will be fine,” he explained, knowing full well that Voight heard everything she just said.

“Uh-huh. Okay then. Tell her to turn her phone back on.”

“Will do, Sarge,” Jay answered, but the silence on the other end told him that Hank probably hung up before he heard the response.

“That’s all he needed?” Hailey asked, after shaking her head in disbelief.

Jay nodded. “Yeah. I guess. But I think you had him worried when you didn’t answer the phone.”

“Good,” Hailey said, taking one last bite of fried rice before pushing her plate away.

She missed the stars.

They were still there. Obviously, she knew that. But the downside of an amazing Chicago skyline view with the immense skyscrapers and impressive architecture was that all the artificial light drowned out any chance Hailey had of enjoying the stars on nights that she couldn’t sleep.

Nights like this one.

Nights like the countless ones she experienced as a child, where dread or adrenaline or plain old fear would keep her from feeling relaxed enough to fall asleep. As a young girl, she’d had no idea what to do with any of those feelings. Hiding made the most sense, and beneath the covers of her bed was as safe a place to hide as any. So she’d curl up into a ball and cry as quietly as she could until she knew the threat had passed; no more yelling from her father, no more shrieks of pain from her mother. Sometimes, his anger would be so out of control that her flimsy bedroom door would fly open, and that was when Hailey would find herself flooded with contrasting feelings of terror and relief. The terror was understandable, but the relief was a little bit more confusing. But once her dad made the decision that she was at least partly responsible for whatever stoked his rage on any particular night, it at least removed the element of uncertainty. At last, she knew for sure what was coming, and - more importantly - she knew it would be over soon.

Because that was how it worked: a diabolical bartering system where a few bruises and maybe a little bit of shed blood was all it took to abate the monster. Once he had ensured that someone else was bearing just as much pain as he was, it would snap him back to reality. Or at the very least, exhaust him. And Hailey was far too young when she realized that maybe it was worth it to get it over with quickly. That it was going to hurt just as much whether she felt the impact from the back of his hand the moment he walked through the door, reeking of booze, or whether it came after forty minutes of her sobbing in her bed as she listened to her mother try to talk him down.

That rarely worked.

And neither did hiding from him. So when they relocated to the suburbs, Hailey took full advantage of the nighttime sky that was now visible through her bedroom window. It provided her a welcome distraction on those nights that she lay awake waiting for the inevitable until she heard her father’s car in the driveway. She would make up stories, imagining that each star was its own individual world where bad things never happened. She would try to make out pictures in them, like the constellations she learned about in school. She would try to count them, always losing track about where she started.

And on those nights when he didn’t walk past her door on the way to sleep it off in his own bedroom, she took comfort in knowing that the stars bore witness to everything that happened once he breached the safety of her door. That they were keeping tally marks of each time her father struck her, of every angry word tossed her way, of each tear Hailey tried to suppress in a pointless pursuit of bravery. She couldn’t tell anyone, and keeping such a secret isolated her in an unbearable way. But the stars knew. And on a few nights, when things were especially bad, she would wander into the backyard while she waited for the throbbing to go away, for the fight-or-flight signal in her mind to simmer down enough to allow her a few hours of rest until the whole thing repeated the next week. Or the next night. There was no way to tell.

And she knew, even then, how silly it was, to find comfort in the stars. Maybe they served as a visible representation of her idea of God, a divine being who promised protection for the weak and retribution for the wicked. Or maybe they were just a perfect reminder that there was so much more out there than the little corner of the universe that held her captive. Or maybe they represented a lightness and a freedom that she had been seeking, even from that young age. 

But whatever the reason, they gave her hope. They still did, which was one reason why she had been so excited to find an apartment with a skylight when she and Jay started the process of moving in together. True, there wasn’t a lot visible from it with their proximity to the big city lights. But Hailey knew they were there.

Tonight, though, as sleep and anxiety battled it out in her brain, she really wished that she could see them.

She gave a good effort, tossing and turning next to Jay in bed for nearly an hour before giving up and moving it out to the sofa. There were definitely no stars visible from here, but the lights from across the river were an acceptable substitute. It was easy enough to let her mind wander: imagining stories for the people behind each window, guessing how many stairs were in a particular building, wondering if she could replicate the view with Legos based strictly on her memory.

That last one intrigued her, and she was debating where she could acquire enough Legos to even try, when she heard stirring from the bedroom that told her that Jay had noticed her absence.

He didn’t say anything. Just ambled in and plopped down on the sofa next to her feet. After a moment, he put out a hand and rested it gently on her shin. She could barely detect the warmth through the blanket she had tossed over her legs. He stared with her out the window into the beautiful scenery displayed for them across the river.

“You should go back to bed, Jay.”

He hesitated before asking, “Will you come with me?”

Hailey curled her legs up under her, pulling them well away from his grasp. “Not yet,” she finally answered.

“What is this, Hails? Please talk to me.”

“It’s just insomnia, Jay. Used to happen all the time, remember?”

“I do remember. I remember that it only got really bad when you were dealing with something you felt like you couldn’t talk about.”

“This isn’t that,” she said. “This is one night, and we’ve already talked about what’s bothering me. Talking doesn’t fix everything, so just let me ride this one out. I know this isn’t fair to you. But there’s no need for both of us to be losing sleep.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t think there’s a need for either of us to be losing sleep. This feels… I don’t know, Hailey. This reaction feels out of proportion to what happened. It makes me wonder if there’s more to it, that’s all.”

Hailey just shook her head, uncertain if he could even see it through the darkness that pervaded the room. “I told you, Jay: you can’t fix me. Don’t waste your time trying to understand something that doesn’t make sense.”

“Okay, but… when something that I did set you over the edge tonight, for whatever reason, how can you fault me for trying to fix it? To right that wrong? I understand that it might feel overbearing, or intrusive, even. But I just want to help you, Hailey. I know I can’t fix everything, but I wish you would let me help you how I can.”

“You want to help me, Jay? Go back to bed. Because knowing that I’m keeping you awake just makes it worse.”

She felt him recoil at the sharpness of her words. But her attempt to provoke him into leaving her alone backfired. “That works both ways, you know. It’s not easy for me to sleep if I know that you can’t.”

“Well, that puts us on a pretty nasty spiral, doesn’t it?”

“Can you at least tell me what your endgame is, here? What are you going to accomplish by sitting up all night?”

“Jay, that’s… it’s not…” She sputtered in frustration. “Do you think I’m not sleeping on purpose? I’m not choosing to stay awake.”

“I know that, Hails. I wouldn’t wish insomnia on anyone. It just… I don’t know. It feels like maybe you’re holding onto that anger a little harder than you have to. And that’s fine, completely your prerogative. But I don’t really understand why. And that concerns me.”

“I don’t have an answer for you, Jay,” she admitted. “I don’t understand, either. I think that’s why it’s still bouncing around in my head.”

“Do you want to take a-”

“No,” she interjected before he could finish his question. “Those meds are for anxiety, not sleep. And as you’ve so kindly pointed out, I’m not anxious; I’m just mad.”

“And you don’t want to try some tea or yoga or kickboxing or anything?”

“No,” she stated. “I think I just need to be mad for a while.”

He stood and stretched his arms behind his head. But then he kneeled on the floor right in front of her. “Hey. Can you look at me, please?”

She tore her eyes from the landscape and laid them on his face, eerily visible in the moonlight now that they had both become accustomed to the relative darkness.

“Will you be safe out here by yourself?”

She nodded, unsure if she possessed any words that would relay the message more eloquently. “I just… I don’t know. Maybe I’m searching for an answer I thought I could find in the stars. But I’ll come to bed when I’m ready.”

“Okay, good. Because I get the hint, and you’re not going to have to ask me a fourth time to leave you alone.” He rose, the creaking of his knees echoing throughout the room. “I’ll go back to bed. But please don’t think that means that I’m going to be able to fall asleep.”

Hailey listened to the patter of his footsteps, the muffled noises as he settled back in the bed in an effort to placate her. If she was really worried about his sleep quality, she would follow him and play along, lying beside him and trying her hardest to trick her mind into falling asleep. But he didn’t have anyplace to be tomorrow, and something about the vast city lights was gradually soothing her soul the longer she took them in. They weren’t quite the same as the stars, but they were proving to be a pretty good alternative.

Hailey reclined all the way on the couch, stretching out her legs and pulling the blanket up to her chin. Maybe it wasn’t so much the source of the light that mattered. Maybe she found her solace in the way they reminded her that she wasn’t alone in this world. Balls of gas and energy millions of miles away, or a businessman with a deadline burning the midnight oil in an office just on the other side of the river; it didn’t matter. The universe was so much bigger than her and her problems. But no matter how much - or little - they mattered in the grand scheme of things, she knew that there were always going to be all these other points of light out there keeping her company.

“Upton, can I see you in my office for a moment?”

Hailey pursed her lips, trying to suppress a sigh of annoyance. She knew this was coming. Her confrontation with Voight at work yesterday alone was enough to require a follow-up. But whatever had gone down once she left the district only emphasized the disconnect she had with her boss. And in past years, her ability to compartmentalize her feelings from the job that needed to be done might have been enough to keep things from getting weird between them. But that was nothing more than wishful thinking anymore. She and Voight were going to have to have it out.

In fact, she was a little surprised they had gotten as far into the workday as they had before it came up. Their new case was proving to be a bit of a head-scratcher, and the morning largely consisted of each team member diving down a separate rabbit hole to investigate what the Everett siblings might have done to provoke such a strong reaction. Their theories at this point ranged from drugs to an academic scandal involving selling essays to their classmates. Hailey was looking into the possibility of insurance fraud when Voight’s distinct voice drew her back to the present. And since she couldn’t say no to a meeting with her commanding officer, she tossed down the pen she had been rolling between her fingers and followed him into his office.

“Close the door,” he instructed, unnecessarily since she was already swinging it shut behind her. “You get the problem with your phone figured out?”

“Yes, Sergeant. That was just an oversight. Won’t happen again.”

He leaned back in his chair and gave a thoughtful nod. “Jay said you’re upset with me.”

“Jay says a lot of things.”

“Are you done?” Voight asked after a beat, tilting his chin down.

Hailey furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean? You called me in here.”

“No, I mean, are you done with this little shtick of robotic, by-the-book answers? You sound like you’re being court-martialed.” When she didn’t answer, he nodded vaguely to a chair. “Sit down.”

Again, Hailey felt she had no choice but to do what she was told, so she sank hesitantly into the seat in front of Voight’s desk.

“I didn’t need your husband to tell me that you weren’t thrilled with our conversation yesterday. But what I do need is a little more intel - from you, specifically - about the steps we take from here. Because, despite what you seem to think, there’s no guidebook on this, Hailey. You and I are sort of wading into uncharted waters here. I’m not looking for a reason to go against your doctor’s recommendations, but I do need to take careful consideration into what that transition will look like for the whole unit. I have to be sure that that’s the best move for the team and for you. And I’ve got to be honest, what happened yesterday didn’t instill a whole lot of confidence in me.”

“Because I forgot to turn my phone off silent?” she asked defensively.

“Because you are taking all of this extremely personally.”

That did it. The magic words that turned off her politically-correct filter. “How else am I supposed to be taking this, Sarge? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be the CPD’s poster child or guinea pig or… or… whatever this is. I don’t even know. Because I made the mistake of assuming there was at least some sort of protocol in place for situations like these. I didn’t realize that every decision fell solely to your discretion. And I apologize if my reaction yesterday was unsatisfactory, but it was pretty damn disheartening to discover that everything I’d done up to that point essentially meant nothing. I thought I was ticking boxes, meeting benchmarks, with an end goal in mind. So learning that you’ve had total control of that outcome and just conveniently didn’t mention it to me… yeah, that made me mad.”

His face betrayed no reaction whatsoever, and it was infuriating. At last, he swiveled his chair a little and said, “Why does it matter so much where your gun was, as long as it makes its way to you when you’re ready for it?”

“It doesn’t,” she agreed. “I couldn’t care less where it was held. I just don’t like the idea that you were withholding that information from me. It feels intentional, and manipulative, and a little demeaning, if I’m being honest.”

“Demeaning?” he asked skeptically.

“Yes. Because… here’s the thing, Voight: this whole time, from that very first night that you came to my apartment, I’ve been compliant with what other people have asked of me. I’ve been cooperative. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“I would.”

“Even when I didn’t like it… even when I didn’t agree with it… I recognized from that first night that I was in over my head and that I needed to trust other people when they said they were acting in my best interest. So even when I was at my worst, no one had to sugarcoat anything for me. No one had to minimize or disguise the truth about my situation. So the fact that you felt the need to do that, well into my recovery… it makes me question how honest you’ve been with me about my future in Intelligence. It makes me wonder if I’m just wasting my time here.”

She didn’t mean to say that much. Hell, she hadn’t even realized she felt that way until the words came out of her mouth. But if Voight was going to push her buttons, maybe at least she was going to gain a little clarity out of it.

“Hailey,” he started, “you’ve known me, what? Six years?”

“Seven.”

“And have I ever given you the impression in all those years that I am the kind of man who enjoys wasting my time?”

“No, sir.”

Hank sighed and leaned forward, resting his folded hands on his desk. “Look, Hailey. I could have kicked your case up the chain a long time ago. Maybe I should have, all things considered. But you know I like to keep things in-house. And the fact of the matter is, by the time I arrived to your apartment that night, I didn’t find an unstable officer who had to be subdued and disarmed. I found one of my people in the midst of a crisis, who was so desperate for help that she didn’t put up a fight when I took her weapon for safekeeping. It was already on the counter, Hailey. It was the last thing you needed that night. And, even in the midst of everything, I believe you recognized that. And I didn’t see any need for it to change hands until you were ready for it again.”

He continued, “You know I like to do things my own way. It’s not for everyone. So if you’re unhappy with the way I handled this situation, we can talk about assigning you someone else to monitor your transition back into full duty. At this point, I believe that would do more harm than good, but it’s your call. But either way… I don’t want to ever hear you accuse me of keeping dead weight in my squad again, you hear me? Especially for a reason as useless as sparing someone’s feelings.”

“Copy that, Sergeant,” Hailey answered. She chewed the inside of her cheek for a moment before adding, “I really hate you sometimes. You know that?”

Something dangerously close to a smile crept out the corner of his lips. “I tend to have that effect on people. So, do you want it or what?”

“What, to change handlers? No, I guess it makes the most sense to keep our initial agreement.”

“That’s good to hear, but that’s not what I meant. I was talking about your gun.”

Considering that was what spurred the whole conversation, Hailey supposed she shouldn’t have been so surprised to hear that answer. “You have it?”

“Of course I do.” Voight pulled it out of a drawer and placed it on the desk between them. “I told you I would bring it. Or rather, I told your husband, but I’m pretty sure you got the message, too.”

She stared at it, unwilling to believe it was really there. Close enough for her to touch. Was this another one of his underhanded tricks? Or was he really handing it over to her with so little fanfare? “So… I don’t have to sign anything? Or recertify? I can just take it, no strings attached?”

“Well, there’s always strings attached,” he replied. “The CPD rules and regulations still apply. And we both know that I won’t hesitate to confiscate it if I get even a whiff of concern about you having it. But you’re the one who decided when you were ready to hand it over; I trust you to decide that you’re ready to have it back.”

The black metal felt unbelievably smooth in her palm, fitting to the contours of her hand like a missing puzzle piece. Hailey inspected it closely, making sure the trigger and the sights and slide lock were all just as she remembered them. “I don’t even have a holster,” she admitted with a laugh, unsure of where to put the weapon.

“Probably should fix that,” Voight advised as they both stood.

“Don’t worry, it’s in my locker,” she assured him. “Thank you, Sarge.”

“Don’t mention it. And don’t make me regret it.”

The bullpen was conspicuously empty when she exited. Hailey wondered if her coworkers had picked up on the contentious tone that dictated the beginning of the discussion and decided to make themselves scarce, or if they had found a lead worth chasing. Or maybe they were just getting lunch. Either way, she was grateful that there was no one around to observe her somewhat awkward walk to the locker room with her Glock resting firmly against her thigh.

Before she got the holster on and situated, she pulled out her phone and snapped a photo of the gun on the bench. She sent it to her husband with an invitation.

Date night at the range?

Oh, man. That’s great, Hails! I would say hell yes on any other night, but did you forget we have counseling tonight?

Drat. She had forgotten, but she wasn’t going to say that to Jay. Although, maybe that would be easier to admit than the fact that she really didn’t want to go to couples therapy tonight. Things had been weird between them since yesterday, and that meant that their session was either going to be tense and uncomfortable, or - perhaps even worse - they would have to talk about why things were tense and uncomfortable. And Hailey just wasn’t sure she was ready for that yet.

But that was still hours away. No point in stressing about it now. Instead, she focused on getting her holster in just the right spot on her belt. The comforting weight of her weapon as she slid it in. She took a moment to study herself in the locker room mirror before returning to work. She looked right. Normal. But something still felt a little off. Maybe it would take some time to get used to it again. Or maybe it had absolutely nothing to do with the gun.

She typed out her response to Jay as she made her way back into the bullpen. Adam and Kim were back at their desks, now, and she did clock Kim sneaking a few Cheez-Its from somewhere hidden below her desk. But Adam’s gaze was resolutely on his own computer screen, giving away nothing unusual to the untrained eye. Hailey wondered if Voight caught any of this from his office, but his face was as impassive as ever.

She sat, shaking her head a little at all that had transpired since she rose from this spot just a few minutes ago. Time to get back to work if they were going to wrap this one up in time for Adam to covertly make it out in time for Kim’s appointment tomorrow. Hailey read through her text to Jay quickly before pressing send.

Just got a little excited, I guess. See you there at four?

That was a sufficiently vague answer. Hailey put her phone facedown on her desk and dove back into the financial paperwork of these mystery siblings to see if their insurance claims lined up with reality. That was her priority now. She would deal with her husband in a few hours.

Chapter Text

She was giddy. There was no other word to describe the way Hailey was acting when they met up in the lobby of their therapist’s office. It was a strange color on her, such a contrast to her normal stoic demeanor. Of course, being her husband allowed Jay to catch glimpses of that side of her on occasion, albeit almost always within the privacy of their own home. So it was refreshing to see her so effusively happy after she had been so despondent overnight.

He hadn’t really been sure what to make of her attitude last night. Even after they had talked it out over dinner, she remained withdrawn and sullen. Jay tried to give her the space she obviously wanted, but his confusion over her behavior mingled with concern when it became apparent she was too distracted to sleep. He didn’t know what to do, and she made it clear that she didn’t want his input in this matter, anyway. So he backed off.

Seeing her so excited about the reacquisition of her gun made Jay suspect that maybe her somber mood the night before had more to do with Voight than with him. But as they rode up the elevator and made their way toward their therapist’s office, he could see Hailey shrinking in on herself again. The grin on her face diminishing to a forced smile that barely exposed her dimple, the gleam in her eye glossing over despite the bright fluorescent lights, the movement of her hands transitioning from exuberant gestures to an anxious twirling of her wedding ring.

It made Jay want to scream, how rapidly and easily her mood shifted. And he couldn’t blame it on Voight anymore. This was all on him. And as he might have guessed, by the time they settled in their positions on the now-familiar loveseat, she had reverted right back to that reticent version of herself that had been on display last night.

Marcella seemed to pick up on it, too. No matter how she tried to guide the conversation to anything meaningful, Hailey’s answers were short and not at all insightful. “I’m sensing some resistance today,” their therapist finally noted. “You seem preoccupied, Hailey. What’s on your mind?”

“I just… I’m not really feeling it today. Sorry,” she offered a little shrug as an explanation. “To be honest, I didn’t want to come.”

Jay was surprised at her bluntness, although he couldn’t say her message was shocking.

“Why is that?” Marcella asked.

Hailey fiddled with the button of her flannel. “Because I’m tired of having the same conversation and feeling like we’re not getting anywhere with it.”

“And what conversation is that?”

“The one about why I’m being such a bitch lately.”

“Whoa!” Jay interjected. “No one ever said ‘bitch!’”

“Maybe not, but if the shoe fits…” she drifted off.

There was a moment where the three of them sat in uncomfortable silence until Marcella pointed out, “You say you’re tired of talking about that, and yet you’re the one who brought it up here this afternoon. That tells me that maybe you’re not as content to leave that topic where it is as you’re saying. And it also sounds like you may be feeling more contempt for your behavior than other people are. What are your thoughts on that?”

Jay could see the wheels in her head turning as Hailey bit her lip, leg jumping up and down frenetically. At last she spoke. “Well, Jay disagreed with my word choice, but not with the point I was making. Just because he’s being polite doesn’t mean he doesn’t agree.”

“I’m not going to deny that I'm frustrated,” he said. “But I think you’re really misinterpreting why, Hailey. You can’t complain that we don’t seem to resolve anything when we talk about it if you close yourself off every time we try. And I think Marcella’s right; you wouldn’t have brought this up at all if there wasn’t a part of you that wants to address it here.”

“This is a safe space, Hailey,” the therapist reminded them.

“I know,” Hailey answered, her leg still bouncing. “I know. I just… I don’t know what to say. Sometimes talking things out helps me understand how I feel, but the more I focus on this… the more confused I become. I don’t have a good answer. I don’t know why something so small makes me feel so angry. I don’t know why the anger isn’t fading. And I hate the way it feels when it seems so overpowering. It scares me, a little.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath after she said her piece.

Jay reached out and rested his palm lightly on her thigh. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before, but it was clear she was working hard to verbalize it. He wanted to make sure she knew that he appreciated the effort.

“Anger is a funny emotion,” Marcella said. “It can be easy to overthink it, because some experts say that it’s a secondary emotion - it stems as a coverup for something deeper, something less acceptable. Something weaker. If you feel embarrassed or betrayed or taken advantage of, sometimes that comes out as anger, because that’s an easier way to present yourself to other people. It can be almost too easy to lean on that anger, to suppress the underlying emotion as much as possible.”

“Another thing about anger,” she continued, “is that - like pain - it demands to be felt. There is no suppressing it. You might be able to shove it down for a little while, but until it is acknowledged and worked through, it is going to continue popping up. Often in times when it’s not exactly convenient, or in ways you may not expect.”

“Are you saying that’s what’s happening to me?” Hailey asked.

“What do you think?” And when Hailey couldn’t give an answer, she amended. “Let me ask you this: do you feel safe displaying anger in your marriage?”

“Well, yeah, I guess. That’s what started all of this.”

“What about previous relationships? Was that something you felt with other partners before Jay?” 

Hailey shrugged. “I don’t really remember. Probably not to the same degree.”

“And what about as a child? Did you feel safe expressing your anger in your home growing up?”

Hailey heaved a deep sigh and leaned back into the cushion, intently focused on her cuticles. “I think we all know the answer to that question,” she mumbled at last.

“Okay,” the therapist pushed on, “so think about it this way: would it be accurate to say that this is the first time in your life that you have been able to consistently access that feeling of anger without any fear of the repercussions?”

“I guess,” she whispered into her lap.

“Here’s another thing about anger: it has a bad rap. But in and of itself, it’s not any more or less harmful than any other emotion. It can tell us things about ourselves; when our boundaries are being crossed, when situations are beyond what we can handle. It can be unpleasant, sure, for both the person experiencing it and those around them. But as long as it’s controlled - you’re not throwing things across the room or taking it out on the people you love - there’s no reason to shy away from it.”

“Okay, but…” Hailey finally looked up and met Marcella’s eye, “what if I am taking it out on people who don’t deserve it?” Then she stole a sideways glance, clearly desperate to see how he interpreted her question.

Jay just bit his lip nervously.

Thank goodness for the therapist to break up the awkward silences. “I think acknowledging that is the first step,” she said gently. “Because it’s not something you’re going to be able to address if you don’t admit that that’s what’s happening. And then you have to ask yourself why. What is the source of this anger? Where is it coming from? There’s a good chance it stems from something much deeper and more complex than whatever argument the two of you had last night.”

“You’ve been through a lot, Hailey,” she continued. “And if you spent the first eighteen years of your life burying your anger because there was nothing else to do with it… well, those feelings didn’t just evaporate. You are still carrying it around with you, whether you know it or not. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘the body keeps the score?’”

She nodded numbly. “Yeah, I think I remember hearing something about that back in the inpatient days.”

“It comes from a book, which is a fascinating read, if you’re interested. But it’s the idea that those buried, unresolved traumas never go away, and that, sometimes, they can show up unexpectedly, even as specific physical disorders. Your body remembers, even if your mind wants you to forget. I think it makes sense that years of repressed anger might be bubbling up now, even if it feels misdirected. You’ve been doing a lot of work to access and work through those feelings. But now that the door is open, maybe you’re discovering that there’s a lot more behind it than you initially thought.”

“But that doesn’t mean she should try to slam it shut again?” Jay asked.

Marcella smiled. “I wouldn’t advise that. Because then you’re right back where you started.”

“So what would you advise?” Hailey asked.

“What do you do if you open a closet door and everything packed inside of it comes spilling out? The first thing you do is cover your head - protect yourself until the contents settle. And then you start going through the mess, bit by bit. Decide what’s worth keeping, what needs fixing, and what’s beyond repair and just needs to be thrown away.”

Jay was hesitant to jump in throughout the rest of their session. Even though it was a topic that affected them both (and their relationship), it felt a lot more specific to Hailey, and he felt almost as if he were eavesdropping as she and Marcella bounced back and forth until the hour was up. He wasn’t sure what his responsibility was here going forward, if this was something where he needed to take the reins, or if it was better to still let Hailey determine her own pace, however slow it might be.

He hit his first speed bump before they even left the building when Hailey dropped gracelessly to the bench near the elevators while they waited for the doors to open. But even when one arrived, she made no effort to move. The empty car dinged and went off without them, so Jay planted himself next to her, waiting for her to speak. They spent a few minutes admiring the sunset through the windows before she admitted, “I really don’t want to clean that closet out.”

“You really liked that metaphor, huh?”

She shrugged. “It made sense to me.”

Jay drummed his fingers on the bench in the empty space between them. “I kind of interpreted it as we’re still in the ‘duck-and-cover, let everything settle’ phase. Or maybe just now getting into the 'take inventory of all the damage before we devise a plan' phase. We don’t have to start organizing everything yet. We just need to survive.”

“It’s not ‘we,’ Jay.” She brought her fingers to meet his where they fidgeted on the vinyl. 

He cocked his head in thought. “It’s not, but it is. Maybe it’s not my mess, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t help you sort it out.”

She let out a breath, long and deep as if she had been holding it for too long, and turned to face him at last. “I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t want… I hate that this has become your problem, too.”

“I know,” he assured her. “And I accept your apology. It’s actually kind of a relief to learn that all that anger isn’t really directed at me. At least not all of it.” He gave her a teasing grin, hoping to lighten the mood ever so slightly.

“Okay, so, about your acceptance letter… Do you want to enroll?”

He couldn’t help it; an audible laugh escaped at her abrupt topic change, and he was glad to see her lips twitch a little in return. “Oh, no, no, no, no. I appreciate the effort, Hailey, but we are not having that conversation now. I would prefer if we were both a little more sharp and not emotionally exhausted. And physically exhausted. I guess the fact that neither of us slept great last night might impact how daunting everything feels right now.”

“How long do you have to decide?”

“A couple of months. December 15, I think. We have time.”

“I’m sorry how I responded to that. It’s a really big deal, Jay, and I am proud of you. No matter if you decide to go or not.”

“Thanks.” He patted her thigh, none too gently. “But, if it’s all the same to you, I think I’m just about talked out today. At least in regards to serious topics. What do you say we get out of here? I believe there was talk of the shooting range?”

“What about coffee?”

“Eh. We can do that after. I really feel like shooting something. You still up for it?”

Hailey pursed her lips. After a moment of thought, she said, “You know, I really am.”

“That’s my girl,” Jay smiled at her as he offered a hand to help her off the bench. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my boyish charm or the idea of unloading some bullets as a form of stress relief.”

“You might change your mind when you see how out of practice I am.”

“All the more reason for you to get it out of your system now.” Jay pushed the button to call for the elevator again.

“Can we make a stop on the way?” she asked. “I want to see if the library has that book Marcella was talking about.”

Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a one-armed hug. His nose and cheek rested on her hair, and he breathed in his wife’s scent as he answered, “Of course. That sounds like a great idea.”

“Well, your accuracy’s not too shabby for your first go in however long, but your speed screams ‘rookie.’” Jay noted as they looked over the results of their first round.

“Hey!” She swatted him in the chest. “One well-placed shot is better than fifteen splattered around the target. And you of all people should know that, Mr. Sniper. I’ve seen you spend five minutes setting up for a single shot.”

“Yeah, but we’re not practicing with sniper rifles. There’s a reason why these clips hold multiple bullets at a time.”

“Shut up,” Hailey muttered as she replaced her magazine. “I’m still getting back on the saddle.”

He just smirked. And she couldn’t even really be annoyed with him, because this interaction was so light. It was reminiscent of a time before they both agreed to focus on the negative aspects hanging over their lives; a time when he could poke fun at her only-slightly-inferior marksman skills without having to worry about the deeper meaning or pushing her over the edge. And true, maybe it was a little bit forced after their fiasco of a therapy session, but it was still nice to remember that that side of them existed. Beneath all the tragedy and melodrama, there still was a happy, carefree couple who delighted in mercilessly teasing each other.

“Maybe you should try left-handed for the next round; let’s compare those results,” she challenged.

“Uh, Hails, that is not exactly the burn you think it is, considering that you are left-handed.”

“You know I meant non-dominant hand, for us both. I just said ‘left-handed’ for the same reason that I know I can beat you that way: because the world caters to righties. I was just trying to be accommodating.”

“How considerate of you. Let’s do another-” He paused as a ringing came from his back pocket. “Hold that thought.” He stepped away toward the door, despite the fact that all the other lanes were empty at this time of evening, and put the phone to his ear. “Halstead… yes, sir, I have… Oh… Okay. Is that typical procedure?... No, it’s just that no one said anything to me about that… Of course… That works fine. I’ll be there… Thank you, sir.”

“Your assignment?” she asked him hopefully as he made his way back to her.

Jay had a puzzled look on his face. “Not sure. I think they have a placement for me, but they want to give it to me in person. So I have a meeting tomorrow morning to pick up my badge and ‘discuss the specifics.’”

“That sounds bad. Or possibly good?” She wasn’t sure what to think.

And neither was he. Jay just shook his head and stepped back up to the barrier. “We’ll find out tomorrow. But I believe you were saying you wanted a non-dominant hand contest? It’s cute how you think your forced ambidexterity is a match to my years of military training and experience.”

She tightened her ponytail and pulled her protective earmuffs back on. “Shut up and shoot, Halstead. Loser buys the coffee.”

Their rapid switch into a frivolous evening, however, was unable to last. And Hailey really supposed that was for the better. As nice as it was, giving themselves the time and opportunity to revisit that version of themselves, it did little except to remind them both of what they were fighting for. Why all the pain and difficult work was something they were willing to commit to. It didn’t erase the reality. And it didn’t keep a doleful haze from descending on Hailey in the quiet moments as they drove home and settling in with a finality once the apartment door closed behind them.

She leaned wearily against the door for a moment, wondering if any of the positivity and hope that had been available in the last few hours was still present enough to seep through the wood and into her bones. That didn’t seem to be happening, but her behavior did alert her husband that she was still reeling from all that happened in the last two days. He stared at her for a moment, but when she didn’t say anything, he suggested “Why don’t you take a quick shower and hit the hay? I know you’re wiped out.”

Hailey just nodded. And he wasn’t wrong. The warm shower and its almost-too-hard pressure was enough to nearly lull her to sleep on her feet. And though she fully anticipated that sleepiness would evaporate once her head hit the pillow, she knew that it was more important than ever that she give everything she could to try falling asleep next to her husband tonight. She owed him at least that much.

She climbed under the covers and stared at the ceiling while she waited for him to settle in beside her, unwilling to risk stimulating her mind with TV or her phone or even the book they had picked up earlier that evening. That left her alone with her thoughts, which truthfully might be the worse option, but at least she was able to switch her focus back to Jay when he lay down next to her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

In return, he gave her what she swore must be the softest smile on the planet. “I love you, too.”

“That’s the most important thing, right?” she asked him. “As long as we have that going for us, we can make it through anything?”

“I think so. And just remember… we might not be at the part where we’re ready to fix everything yet. We might still be assessing the damage. Maybe we still get caught in the rubble from time to time. That doesn’t mean that we’re not getting anywhere.”

She shifted a little closer to him and rested her hand on his chest. “I might have to go back out to the couch tonight.”

Jay planted his own hand on top of hers, firmly pinning it to his heart. “It’s okay if you need to, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to. But also… we really can’t let this insomnia thing get away from us again. Especially after what happened last time. So I’m going to go ahead and warn you that I might become a pain in your ass about it if we can’t get it under control soon.”

“That’s understandable,” she admitted, wiping her free hand down her face and wriggling to get comfortable.

“Do you need your hand back?”

“No.” She burrowed her available shoulder under the blankets as much as she could. “Tell me a story?”

“About what?”

“About you. About your mom. You and Will as kids.”

He chewed his bottom lip as he thought. “Okay. I don’t know why this is the one that popped into my head, but this was at Will’s tenth birthday party. You remember how things were back then, right? No outrageous shindigs for a kid’s birthday. It was literally just cake and games at someone's house. But that was the first year he didn’t want any girls to come, and he definitely didn’t want his little brother hanging around, either. That was a point of contention between the two of us, and we bickered about it all week. It drove my mom crazy.”

His eyes glazed over with nostalgia as he went on. “So, on the morning of the party, she took me up to my room and told me that I should protest. That if Will wasn’t going to treat me nicely, I should just ignore him, and go about my Saturday as I always would. She even offered to let me hang out in their room so I could still watch cartoons while they got the party set up. So I stayed upstairs all day, only deigning to grace Will with my presence once it was time for cake. I even…” Jay chuckled at the recollection, “I even remember making a point to avoid looking at him while I ate. And it was an embarrassingly long time later that I finally realized what my mom had done. That she had found a way to make both of us feel like we got the upper hand that day. It was a little sneaky, but props for creativity, you know? Because she could have been strict about it: forced Will to allow me to participate, or else laid down the law with me and told me to suck it up and deal with it. But she didn’t.”

“I wish I had been able to know her, Jay,” Hailey mused. “She sounds amazing.”

“She was. And she would have loved you. That I know for sure.” He patted her hand a few times before letting it free. “You should try and get some sleep, Hailey.”

She agreed. And she tried. More than once, she thought she made it over the hump, could feel her thoughts growing smaller and less coherent as they cycled through the air above their bed. But she never made it all the way. A stray thought or a twitch of a muscle or the kerplunk of the ice maker from the other room always managed to pull her back just when she was ready to fall over the edge.

And so, it was with much more reluctance, and no small degree of shame, that Hailey pulled herself from the bed and made herself cozy on the couch. She was more careful this time, too, much more cognizant of how her movements might affect her sleeping husband.

This was the worst part of insomnia. The loneliness. It was like boredom amplified by a hundred, because she couldn’t reach out to a friend or go for a walk or do anything even remotely noisy. There was no option but to sit and just exist, with only her thoughts to keep her company.

Tea. Jay had said something last night about tea. What a versatile beverage that some types energized her while others claimed they could promote better sleep. She went to the kitchen and began to ruffle quietly through the cabinets, seeing if they had any of the latter lying around. And there it was, the sleepytime blend sitting conveniently next to the empty spot that once held a bottle of whiskey.

A very tangible symbol of her shift in coping mechanisms. Though, Hailey admitted to herself, she would be tempted to pour herself a glass if the bottle were still there.

And that’s why it wasn’t.

Baby steps. Surviving phase. Falling back into the rubble.

All the silly phrases they had used to describe her situation sounded ridiculously trite as she ran through them under the cover of darkness. There had to be more to this. There had to be an end in sight. She couldn’t keep doing this over and over and over again.

She grabbed a teabag and stuck a mug of water in the microwave, crossing her fingers that the faint humming wouldn’t awaken Jay. And while she waited for it to heat, she practiced some of her breathing techniques. And Hailey reminded herself as she made her way back to the sofa, steaming mug in hand, that none of her old habits had led to anything good. None of them had worked. So she owed it to herself and to Jay to give her best effort to some new ones.

One more night. She would give herself one more night to work out the kinks of her sleeping habits. One night was an occurrence, two was a coincidence, but three… three was a pattern, and she couldn’t go down that road again.

The only problem was she had no idea what to do about it.

“I think we need another date night,” Hailey said without preamble over breakfast the next day.

There was no telling what had prompted her to that conclusion. There had been a volatility in their marriage over the last few days, with rapid and seemingly unexplainable fluctuations along the whole spectrum of emotion. Jay had felt mostly okay with where they ended up as they went to bed last night, the two of them agreeing that they were just in a hard place right now, but willing to acknowledge that that didn’t have to define everything. It was less about the highs and lows of a relationship and more about remaining steady for each other despite all of the external factors being thrown their way.

But she was still struggling. That was obvious. Jay didn’t know what time she left the bed, but the jostling of the mattress around two a.m. informed him of her return. But it felt different than it had the previous night; she was trying. He noted the empty mug and teabag in the sink when he went out to make coffee, the throw blanket on the couch still meticulously folded. She even risked the wrath of Voight by setting her alarm twenty minutes later than normal in a pursuit of a few extra minutes to doze.

No, she wasn’t ignoring whatever it was that had her insomnia knocking on her door again, but she wasn’t embracing it, either. And, Jay was hopeful to discover that her interventions might actually be working. He could tell, sitting next to her at the counter while they both shoveled down their Honey Bunches of Oats, that her eyes were still puffy from sleep. But she didn’t have that bone-tired air about her. She seemed energized enough to go to work. Energized enough to plan their next date night.

Jay finished chewing his cereal before he answered, “What, the shooting range wasn’t romantic enough for you?”

“I’m not going for romance,” she said between bites. 

Jay wanted to be offended by that remark, but he was curious. “Do you have something in mind?”

“I do. But you have to have reservations, so we have to sync our schedules before we plan anything.”

“Okay. I have no idea what’s going to happen at my meeting today, but I guess I might actually have a work schedule soon? If not, maybe that means we still have enough time to just do it anyway.” He paused while she tilted her bowl up and drank the remaining milk. “Are you going to give me a hint?”

“No.” She finished her coffee in an equally hurried fashion and moved to put her dishes in the sink. “You’re a detective. Well, you used to be. You shouldn’t need a hint.”

“You’re really selling this mystery date idea.” He swiveled around to catch her between his legs before she could bolt out the door. “Hey. You good for today?”

“Yeah. I actually will probably have to stay late if we don’t have this case wrapped up by midday. Kim has something important going on, and I told her I would make sure she could get out in time for it.”

Jay pulled her in for a quick kiss. “You’re a good friend.”

She snorted. “Please. I kind of owe her one. Owe the whole squad one.”

“That’s not true,” Jay called after her as she moved toward the door. “No, really, Hails. I hope you’re not trying to pay penance when you haven’t done anything wrong.”

She looked up at him as she pulled on her boots. “It’s not always about guilt, Jay. Sometimes you just have to make amends, anyway.”

He just nodded, no idea what to say to that. “Be safe, please. And text me when you’re on your way home?”

“Copy you, Halstead. You’ll let me know how the meeting goes?”

“Of course. You know you’re always the first one I talk to about anything worth mentioning.”

She gave him a smile just before she closed the door behind her. A genuine, full, tooth-showing, dimple-popping grin. “Good to know. I’m still not telling you what I have planned for our date.”

Jay laughed to himself at her incorrect interpretation of his message and turned back to his coffee. He had left it too long, and it was starting to cool. He didn't mind, though. A little playful banter with Hailey was worth lukewarm coffee any day; besides, the warmth she stoked in his chest lasted longer. It would be plenty to sustain him through the rest of his day.

Chapter Text

Headquarters. Again.

Jay hoped that he received his job assignment today if for no other reason than that he could stop coming here so often. It was rarely on good terms, so he was ready to put this building behind him.

He had no idea what the magnitude of this meeting was, so he put on his dress blues, just to be safe, and made sure to arrive half an hour early. His promptness went unrewarded, though, because he was still in the waiting area of his designated meeting room 45 minutes later. The wait was making him quite antsy, and he just stood to pace a little when a white-shirt rounded the corner, someone that Jay assumed to be his assistant a few steps behind.

“Officer Halstead?” he asked. It had been a while since Jay heard himself addressed as such. It was going to take some getting used to.

“Yes, sir.” He stuck out his hand to shake with the other man. “Deputy Chief Fillmore?”

“That’s me. We spoke on the phone yesterday. And this is my secretary Charice.”

Jay nodded and shook her hand as well. “Right. Of course. Nice to meet you.”

The Deputy Chief ushered them into the small meeting room, and got right down to business. “So, Halstead, I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re here, and why you haven’t received a patrol assignment yet. Well, the short answer is that your name rang enough bells that the Training Division knew they should set your application aside. They brought it to my attention and, after reviewing your resume, I agreed that it would be downright wasteful to assign you to a position designed for a rookie.”

“That’s why it’s been a little bit longer than they said you would hear about your placement,” he further explained. “Instead of randomly inserting you anywhere there was a gap, I’ve been in touch with a few sergeants who need bodies. You have interest from Narcotics, Homicide, and Asset Forfeiture. And since I am also aware that you had an abrupt departure from your last unit, I figured it was for the best to bring you in and see what that was about before putting you somewhere where history might repeat itself.”

Jay shook his head and sat up straighter in the chair. “What exactly are your concerns, Sir?”

“Look, I didn’t work with O’Neal, but I did hear a little bit about him through the grapevine. I know that he was stubborn, maybe even a little vindictive. I’m not sure what led you to turn in your badge to him last year, but from what I’ve heard, it sounds like that was his goal. And I’m not sure if it had to do with the relationship between your wife and his son, or if something deeper was afoot. Regardless, if it was a personal beef with O’Neal, then that’s water under the bridge. If it was something else, I would like to know why now before I assign you to another elite unit within the department.”

Jay’s mouth went dry. “My wife?” he finally managed to get out. What did Chief O’Neal have to do with Hailey? What did his son?

“Well, she was instrumental in taking him down. And no one wants to think that their child is capable of something like that. I’m sure it made for a very uncomfortable work situation, is all I’m saying.”

Jay just nodded in response, hoping he wasn’t agreeing to anything too outrageous. It was clear that he was missing some crucial pieces to this puzzle, but he couldn’t let that completely derail what he came here to do. “It really wasn’t personal, with O’Neal,” he explained. “I had just come to a point where I was ready for a change, and my wife and I learned the hard way that working together forever was not really a sustainable plan. I felt that my presence in Intelligence was putting us both at risk, so I left.”

It was mostly the truth, right? At least partially.

“Do you feel that you could be a reliable asset if you worked in a separate unit?”

“Of course, Sir. If I had any reservations about my ability to perform this job, I wouldn’t have bothered to reapply.”

That answer seemed to satisfy the deputy chief. “Given an option, do you have a preference between the units I mentioned?”

Jay bit his lip. Asset Forfeiture sounded about as boring as police work could get, but that meant that it probably had the most consistent hours. Narcotics would be more in line with a future with the DEA, which had been his plan this whole time. But if the CPD was willing to drop him straight into a specialized unit, maybe that strategy wasn’t as necessary as he once thought. And Homicide had its own appeal, too, as those cases tended to be the most straightforward.

He couldn’t decide. Not without some time to think. Not without talking to Hailey. “No strong preference, Sir. I’ll leave that to your discretion.”

“All right, then. I’ll have you report to Narcotics starting Monday. Sergeant Finnegan at the 28th will be expecting you. Oh, and you’ll be needing this.” He nodded to his assistant, who slid a bulky manila envelope across the table to him.

Jay didn’t need to look to know that it contained his star. But still, he eagerly undid the clasp and pulled the badge out. 42679. Completely different from the numbers he had carried before. But they were his, now. They were him, for all intents and purposes within the police department. Charice was giving him a few more documents, but he was focused on securing the badge to his belt. Information about where and when to report, all the last minute housekeeping things about sick leave and pension accrual and clocking in on time that indicated that he was finally, at last, back in the world of an active Chicago police officer. 

He took everything she offered and sealed it within the now-vacant envelope. There was a good chance he would want to look at that later, but now he was too absorbed in other things. And as soon as he shook both their hands once more and promised not to let Deputy Chief Fillmore down, he whipped out his phone to share his updates with Hailey. The first text was happy, filled with relief and excitement and specifics about his new assignment. But once he brought her up to speed on all of that, Jay remembered that she had information he wanted, too. He spent a minute chewing his lip, debating the most tactful way to ask what he needed to know. But he lacked enough information to ask gently, so he decided to just go with honesty.

What the hell happened between you and Chief O’Neal’s son?

Hailey stared at her phone in surprise. What did Jay’s meeting have to do with her and Sean? And why was he even asking about it? He knew that story already. Right?

Only she wasn’t sure he did. The start of that case had been early enough in his absence that they still talked semi-regularly, and she felt confident that she had at least told him about that part. But as that case took turn after dark turn, it mirrored the way her marriage became murkier and more mangled with the passage of time. She had gotten lost in that case, probably worse than any one she had ever worked except for undercover ones, and by the time they had finally managed to wrap it up, she and Jay weren’t having conversations any deeper than weather reports and reassuring each other that they were still alive. So maybe he didn’t know.

It was odd, recognizing that something that felt so big and important to her in that sad phase of her life was also something he knew nothing about. She had gotten used to the work necessary to catch him up on some of the more substantial gaps in defining moments in her life - that is, the ones that occurred before she met him. It felt so foreign that it was her responsibility to keep him abreast of things that happened after they said ‘I do,’ as well. For years, there had been no need to intentionally communicate with him about weird happenings or uncomfortable situations, because he was there, too. There beside her in the field, in the squad room, in his truck, at the bar once the case was closed, in bed at night while she tried to push the discomfort away enough to escape from it for a short while.

And then, he wasn’t. And her life became much smaller, more concentrated, and if there was anything that she felt he needed to know in his absence, she had to tell him. He had still been able to read her tone during their brief phone calls, to tell when she was disguising the pain in her voice. But gone were all the knowing looks, the pointed glances. Their unspoken communication was cut off abruptly, and she had found herself with much more control of how far she let him past her barriers. And apparently, it hadn’t taken too many attempts for her to decide that was too risky. What was the point of letting him in on how much she was struggling if there was nothing he could do about it, thousands of miles away?

Hailey had come to grips with this new and improved version of their marriage, now that they weren’t beside each other 24/7, that required a lot more intentional communication. She had just never given any thought about the importance of doing that retroactively for the ten months they were separated. It was a lot easier to just chalk all that time up to them each spiraling in their own unique fashion and discount it as lost time. But it wasn’t. They both had been shaped by what they experienced during that span. It was an important part of their story. Even if she really didn’t want it to be.

So no patrol for you, after all? That’s great! (Although I was looking forward to seeing you in your blues every day ;) Somehow I think Narcotics will be a much better use of your talents.

And about Sean O’Neal… I arrested him. It took us a minute to build his case, so I had to work him for a few weeks. It got kind of ugly, and the Chief wasn’t exactly cooperative. But that was a long time ago… How did that come up today?

But she didn’t get an answer right away, and she had to turn her focus back to the case Intelligence was working. After investigating the multitude of angles of the double homicide, it was looking more and more likely that Benjamin and Naomi Everett’s murders had academic roots as motivation. The squad had been able to unearth plenty of evidence that the siblings had been operating some sort of essay mill, but anyone who knew anything about it was reluctant to talk. It would seem that a concerning number of the students they contacted were more worried about being accused of academic dishonesty than murder.

“All right,” Voight announced to the bullpen, “students too scared of failing a class? That’s fine, we can go above them. We need to talk to the teachers. My wife taught for decades, and if there’s one thing I learned from her, it’s that the teachers are always more aware of what’s going on than the students think they are. They’re the ones grading this work, so they must have some ideas about which students are turning in plagiarized essays.”

Atwater said, “Naomi’s friend Valentina said that the teachers nowadays run everything through a program that can detect plagiarism and AI-generated work. That’s why the Everetts’ services were so popular.”

“Right, so they have to at least have a suspicion about which students aren’t submitting their own writing,” Kim suggested. “If they’ve been caught before, they’re probably looking for less detectable methods of cheating.”

“But we’re looking for someone who didn’t get what they paid for,” Hailey pointed out. “So there’s a good chance that our killer’s most recent work was flagged as cheating, or at least, poorly graded. Hopefully that narrows down the pool quite a bit.”

“Right,” Voight agreed. “Let’s get on down to John Hancock and start interviewing the teachers. We’ll start with the English department, but I want everyone on record. Even the PE teacher.”

Kim piped up again, “Uh, Sarge? Not sure if you remember, but I have to leave for an appointment in 45 minutes.”

“I guess this assignment isn’t for you, then. Torres, you and Atwater head on out. Upton and I will be right behind you.”

“What about me?” Adam asked at the same time Hailey raised her eyebrows and questioned, “Are you serious?”

Voight paused a moment, looking between the two of them with that annoyingly smug almost-smile that meant he was deriving far too much amusement from their confusion. “Do I need to repeat myself?” he finally said in explanation.

“No, sir,” Ruzek answered swiftly. Hailey imagined he wanted to draw as little attention to their situation as possible. “We’ll call when we’re done, see if you guys need reinforcements at the school?”

“Why don’t you do that?” Hank returned to his office to close up shop before they all left. 

Hailey followed him. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

“We didn’t have time for the parade today, Upton.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not recognition I’m looking for, and if I thought for one second that you thought it was, I would be offended. I’m just trying to understand, Hank. I feel like I don’t know where I stand with you, anymore.”

He exited his office and pulled the door tightly closed. “It’s not that complicated, Hailey. You want off the desk or not?”

“You know I do.”

“Then let’s go.”

So they did. And it wasn’t until she had been situated in the front seat of Voight’s SUV for a good ten minutes that her mind strayed from the situation at work to the conversation she had been having with her husband. She pulled out her phone to see that he had replied in the meantime.

The Deputy Chief seemed to think my resignation might have been something personal between me and O’Neal. I didn’t really understand what he meant. And I still feel like I’m not getting the whole story. Can we talk about it more tonight?

That was one of the last things Hailey wanted to do. Jay didn’t need her spin on it. It was public record. Plenty of newspaper articles outlined the details of the case. Plus, he now had access to records in the police database. It would be easy enough for him to compile enough to formulate the big picture of the O’Neal case.

But he didn’t want the big picture. He wanted her perspective. His damn intuition clued him in that this had been more than just a typical case for her. And now he wanted to know why.

Of course we can talk about it. But I guess I should warn you that it’s not very pretty. You probably won’t like what you hear. Also, still not sure when I’ll be home. This case is bananas.

She read and reread her message, trying to find the right balance of directness and honesty with sensitivity and, well, evasion. Hailey was not at all used to scrutinizing her texts to her husband with such a fine eye, and she didn’t care for it. But the message was always going to seem incomplete because there was so much more behind the story. Way too much to convey over the phone. So, as they pulled into the high school parking lot, she pressed the send button and rapidly put her phone away. Then she gave herself a minute to close her eyes and regulate her breathing before climbing out of the car to perform her job.

When she opened her eyes, Voight was already out of the SUV staring at her through the windshield. “You ready for this, Hailey?”

She gave a vigorous nod and pushed open the car door. “I am now.”

Jay didn’t hear anything else from her the rest of the afternoon. He wasn’t surprised by that, considering that Hailey had told him that she would be covering for a coworker for a portion of the day. But that didn’t keep him from wishing that he would. His curiosity got the better of him, and a simple internet search quickly educated him on the finer points of the Sean O’Neal case. The articles failed to highlight his wife’s involvement, however. And the more Jay tried to read between the lines to hypothesize just how far she had fallen into that one, the more uncomfortable it made him.

He eventually shut his laptop, deciding that errant catastrophizing was zero percent helpful. She had told him they could talk about it, so he just had to keep himself busy until she arrived home and could clarify everything. He decided to distract himself by making dinner, something that he wouldn’t have too many more opportunities to do once his schedule filled up. The cooling weather called for soup, so he got to work making broth and chopping vegetables. His plan worked, because it didn’t seem like long at all that he received a notification from Hailey that she was done for the day and on her way home.

“How did it go?” he called to her when he heard the latch on the door. 

“How did what go?” she asked, coming around the corner and sneaking up to where he was pulling some bread out of the toaster oven. “That smells so good; what are you making?”

“Well, this is just toast. But I have some soup simmering. And I was asking about your case; you said it was a handful.”

She nodded, biting her lip. “It was,” she confirmed. “I, uh… I got to go out in the field this afternoon.”

“You did? That’s great, Hailey! How did that go?”

“It went well, I think. Voight partnered me with himself, so I’m not sure how much he trusted me out in the wild, but it’s not like I forgot how to talk to people. But it was just a bunch of uptight teachers at a ritzy high school. Not exactly high stakes interrogation.”

“Wait, this murder was at a high school? And wouldn’t he have had an odd man out if he partnered with you?”

Hailey pinched off a corner of toast and ate it before she answered. “No, there were only four of us. He let Adam go with Kim to her appointment.”

“Huh. That’s sketchy. They’re not eloping, are they?”

“No, Jay. Not everyone who wants to get married does so secretly.”

He laughed as he took her hand and led her around the counter to sit. “Well, I thought maybe they’ve seen how well it worked for us and wanted to copy.”

“No, they are going about things quite differently than we did. And regarding the case, the murder itself wasn’t at the school. But the victims were selling research papers there, and we’re pretty sure that the motive is somewhere in that. Trying to find a nexus.”

“How’s that going?”

“Slow.” She stood and started unpacking the dishes from her work bag. “I think we solidified a few leads today, but nothing definitive. But enough about that. Why don’t you ask me about the case you’re really wondering about.”

Jay chewed the inside of his cheek, debating about where to begin. “I googled it,” he admitted as he walked over to their couch, his hand out to her in invitation. “The Chief really shot his own son?”

Hailey nodded somberly. “And himself. Only Sean survived.” She gulped audibly and made her way to sit next to him. “It was guilt. He, uh, he couldn’t live with the knowledge of what his son had done.”

“And… what exactly did his son do?”

She looked at him from the corner of her eye. “You said you looked it up.”

“I did. He trafficked girls. And you said you were… overly involved. How much did he get to you, Hailey?”

She fell back into the couch cushion, deflating like a balloon. “It wasn’t like that, Jay. He didn’t touch me.”

“I guess that’s a relief. But the fact that I haven’t heard a hint about this case, while you were involved enough that even the deputy chief thinks that O’Neal had some sort of vendetta against you, makes me think that he still got to you somehow.”

“It was personal,” she admitted. “It got personal. We didn’t know Sean was a suspect at first, and I… I don’t know… I connected with him. I don’t know how else to put it. He seemed like a well-meaning guy who used his own struggles in life to help these kids. And he seemed to have an eye for vulnerable young girls. And whatever he saw in those kids at his center, I guess he saw it in me, too. And even… even once I realized what he had been doing, who he was… I could see why he was able to take advantage of them. He was good. Believable. And it’s crazy to think what hurting people will endure just for the sake of believing that someone sees their pain.”

She rubbed at her forehead with the back of her knuckle. “I let him get to me. I’m sure I would have had a better handle on things under different circumstances. But you were gone, and… and I hated being here without you. I was racking up as much overtime as I could; hell, I was sleeping in my car more than I was here. I was too invested, for sure, and in hindsight I can’t believe Voight didn’t pull me. So when we found them both shot at O’Neal’s house, I was happy to just let Sean die. But Voight called it in and started CPR. I didn’t think it would matter, in the long run. I mean, the guy was shot in the head at point blank range. But he pulled through, somehow.”

That was so much for Jay to take in. “How… how did I not hear about any of this?” He practically winced as he asked, because he knew the answer. But he still needed to hear it from Hailey. And he thought she probably needed to say it.

“I’m not proud of how I handled that case, Jay. I’m not proud of how I fell apart the moment you left me. I think part of me recognized how far gone I was, and I knew that you would try to pull me back if you knew, too. But the part of me that was angry and hurt thought you had no right to know. It was none of your business, because you were on the other side of the world. But Sean was right here. Those girls were right in front of me. And if I was going to throw myself into a case to forget how abandoned I felt, this one seemed like it was worth the effort.”

Jay let out a slow breath and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “So… I don’t want to bring up any bad memories for you, Hailey, but since we’re talking about this… Was that what kickstarted… everything? Working that case? I guess what I’m really asking is, if you had felt able to talk to me about it, do you think it would have changed anything?”

“No,” she answered more quickly than he was expecting. “That ball started rolling a long, long time ago. Before we ever met. And, if anything, working that case when I did kept me hanging on a little bit longer. Because it gave me a reason to keep going. It gave me something to focus on, and it was a reminder that there were still some people out there who could benefit from my existence.”

Well, he hated hearing that. But he loved that Hailey felt secure enough to say it out loud. “You know that was never my intention, right?” He faced her and hoped the earnestness in his eyes would convince her even if his words didn’t. “I know I botched things up when I left, but you have to believe that my goal was never to make you feel that way.”

“I know,” she said, voice quiet but steady, placing her hand between his shoulder blades and running it in slow circles. “I think I knew, even then, that that hadn’t been your goal. But intent doesn’t always equal outcome. And I was already skating on very thin ice. It didn’t take a lot to push me over that edge.”

They sat like that in a companionable silence for a few more minutes. “Now, if you don’t have any more questions about the disaster known as the O’Neal case, I would really like to hear more about this position you somehow weaseled in Narcotics.”

A smile escaped Jay in spite of himself. “I would say it was anything other than a disaster. You got a predator off the streets. I was just surprised to hear your name attached to a case that I knew nothing about. But yeah… I guess my reputation preceded me, and they were like, ‘this guy used to be one the CPD’s best detectives, let’s get him in one of our top units right away.’”

“I’m sure that’s exactly what the Deputy Chief said.”

“Well, not in so many words. But he did say that there were multiple units that had shown interest, so I could have ended up in Homicide or Asset Forfeiture.”

“Oh, you would hate homicide.” Hailey stood up and walked to the kitchen, getting two bowls out of the cabinet. “They would make you wear a tie.”

He snorted as he followed her. “I think I could manage that particular requirement if that was the worst part of the job. Is that why you dressed like an investment banker when we first met?”

She cut her eyes at him while she ladled the soup. “I spent the first decade of my career carefully cultivating a professional image, thank you very much. Not all of us can just roll out of bed, hit a few tricky shots, and expect to be promoted. Then I was in Intelligence for two seconds before people started accusing me of sleeping my way up, so I figured there was no point.”

“I remember that stakeout,” he cracked a smile, reaching for the second bowl, but she pushed it out of his reach. “Al always did have such a way with words.”

“Uh uh uh… pretty sure you were egging him on.” She kept one hand securely on the bowl and the other on his wrist.

“All I did was ask the question. I was genuinely curious about the ridiculous pretty new detective in my unit. He was the one who misinterpreted it.”

“Uh-huh…”

“What do I have to say to convince you? To allow me to get some of the dinner that I made lovingly for us to share?”

She pursed her lips in thought. “You’re a big strong Narcotics officer now; why don’t you figure it out?”

“Okay.” Jay took a breath to steel himself for what he was about to do. “You asked for it.” And he brought his free hand up to tickle her side.

Hailey shrieked in surprise and immediately turned and lunged away from him, knocking both bowls of soup in the process and nearly sending them to the floor. As it was, a good bit of broth sloshed over the side and spilled onto the counter.

“Jay!” she exclaimed in between her laughter. “That is not what I meant!”

“What? You told me to get creative.” He grabbed a hand towel from where it hung on the oven and tossed it to her. “You’re going to want to clean that up. Good thing I made extra.”

She shook her head as she wiped up the mess. “That’s what I get for trying to be flirty when we’re both hungry.”

“Oh, that was flirting?” he asked smugly, walking up behind her and circling his arms around her waist while she finished her task. “Were you hoping I would kiss you instead?”

“That would be a much more preferable distraction, I must say.”

“Okay.” Jay put his hands on her hips and turned her to face him. “Let me try it again.”

She shoved the dirty towel into his chest. “No way, mister, you had your chance. You’re just going to have to wait until next time.”

But his hands didn’t move from their spot on her hips. “Not even if I say ‘please?’”

“If you insist.”

So Jay leaned in, quickly scanning her face for any sign that her resistance was genuine, and only once he was convinced that her unwillingness had been for show did he abandon all caution and bring his lips to meet hers. And she was an all-too-eager participant, dropping the towel to the floor beside them and wrapping her arms around his neck, scratching her nails on the base of his scalp, and drawing them unbelievably closer. It could easily have turned into something more, but he knew from experience that the kitchen cabinets were less than ideal for romantic excursions. Besides, the night was still young. There was no rush.

“Was that better?” he asked, their foreheads still resting together once the kiss broke off.

She let out a satisfied hum and nodded. “Yep. Much better.”

Jay laughed against her cheek and pushed away from the counter. “Come on. Let’s eat this soup before it gets cold or you spill the rest of it all over the floor.”

“That was not my fault, Halstead.”

Once they were settled and their dinner eaten, Jay felt the need to revisit the topic one last time before they turned on the TV and got invested in the Blackhawks game. “Thank you,” he said, “for being willing to talk to me about that case. And I just want you to know… I know you don’t really like to talk about what happened while I was gone; I guess I don't, either. But I just want to make sure you know that you can. That I don’t mind. Because I know it’s weird, since so much of what you were feeling then was because of me. You don’t need to pretend that part didn’t happen. I recognize that acknowledging my role in how you were feeling doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re blaming me. And hey, if you do want to blame me, well… I figure that’s warranted, too. Okay? I just want to reiterate… nothing is off limits. If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen.”

“I know, Jay.” She stretched out on the couch and rested her head in his lap. “It was just a dark time. I don’t think there’s much point in revisiting it all. But, for the sake of full transparency, I guess now is as good a time as any to mention that Sean O’Neal tried to keep contact with me for a while, even after he was in prison.”

“He did WHAT?”

Hailey laughed at his predictably enraged response. “Yeah. Kept calling me. Tried to convince me he could be a CI from within the prison walls. I shut it down before it got too far. Once he started calling Platt’s home phone in an effort to reach me, it became clear that those boundaries needed to be reestablished.”

Jay ran his fingers through her hair, gently working out the tangles. “The nerve. I’m surprised Platt didn’t go down there and threaten him herself.”

“Well, it was my fault. I had let the lines blur in the name of working the suspect. I was the one who needed to put a stop to it.”

“Still,” Jay said, running a hand down his face. “Anything else I need to know about this guy before I try to expunge him from my memory forever?”

“Nope. That’s it. And expunging him from memory isn’t so difficult. I had managed to do it before I was rudely reminded of it again today. So I’m sure you can do it, too.”

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s cool. I should have told you, probably, at some point. It was kind of a big deal. Now,” she pointed at the remote control where it rested on the coffee table “are we going to watch hockey or are we going to talk about our feelings? Because I’m fine with either, but I don’t want to do both, and we just had therapy yesterday…”

“Yeah, yeah. I hear you,” Jay said, trying his best to reach the remote without disrupting her position in his lap. 

She ended up rolling halfway off the sofa to grab it and turned the TV on herself. “I’ll do it,” she said. “You keep your fingers exactly where they were.”

“Copy that, Upton,” he said, returning to her messy hair and going through the strands once more. “You don’t have to tell me twice.”

Chapter Text

“I just don’t understand something,” Hailey said, pushing the crime scene photos across the table in the interrogation room. “Explain to me how your daughter losing her scholarship to Notre Dame leads to you killing two teenagers.”

She had been here all morning. Her phone rang just after four a.m. announcing a break in the case, and for the first time since her return, Hailey cursed the around-the-clock aspect of being a full-duty detective. She had mumbled a hurried explanation to Jay as she climbed out of bed and pulled on the first thing she could find that would pass as professional. As she waited for the Keurig to finish brewing (she didn’t care for the plasticky, instant stuff, but they kept it around for moments like this when speed was of the essence), she said a silent prayer of thanks that Jay had coaxed her off the couch and into bed when her eyes started to drift shut during the second period of the game last night. She had already been operating in a sleep deficit; this early morning summons would have been extra brutal if she hadn’t been able to get some quality hours in last night.

But she had, and that, in and of itself, was a small victory for her. The fact that Voight had contacted her to meet him and Atwater at the scene was another one. Hailey knew before she pulled up to the address that they were responding to a residential area, and she was right. Patrol had answered a domestic 911 call at the home of one of their lead suspects: a promising young swimmer whose less-than-stellar grades were impeding her scholarship offers. But as soon as the officers had arrived, the young woman was quick to point to her father as the perpetrator.

Hailey, for one, was prone to believe her. Sure, Lauren Silvers had turned her father’s gun on him and made threats believable enough for her mother to call the police. But the young woman was all but inconsolable by the time Hailey arrived on the scene, sobbing and repeating over and over, “I can’t believe he killed her!” If it was an act, it was a damn good one.

And then, there was the fact that, although Raymond Silvers wasn’t admitting to anything, he didn’t deny anything, either. So they had loaded them up and took them into the district, hoping that they at last had the information they needed to put this case to bed.

“It wasn’t about the scholarship,” Silvers admitted. “It was about ethical business practices.”

“What are you talking about?” Hailey asked. She had been sent in here alone on purpose, the team recognizing that the overprotective father would be more open with a female detective. She was still getting used to being back in the box with a suspect, but that odd combination she was feeling of curiosity and disgust was one she was familiar with and would recognize anywhere. And it was the perfect motivation to get to the bottom of even the most gruesome act. “Their entire business revolved around the concept of cheating. There were no ethics involved.”

“Exactly,” Silvers said. “They had been getting away with it for too long, because no one could speak against them without admitting that they were involved, too. There was no accountability. So when the quality of their work started to decline, they needed someone to call them out on it.”

Hailey ran a hand through her hair. “You mean, when technology caught up and the teachers started recognizing that their students were recycling papers every few years?”

He sat up straighter and placed a finger accusingly on the photo of the unrecognizable victims. “Those two were providing a service! Once they realized that their product was not doing what they claimed, they should have-”

There was a knock on the door, opening to reveal Platt and an older man with a goatee and a large briefcase. “Mrs. Silvers has retained counsel on her husband’s behalf,” Trudy stated in a tone that made her disdain evident.

“Of course she did.” Hailey gave a wry smile, gathered up the photos into a file, and stood. “I’ll give you a moment with your client.”

“What’s your read?” Voight asked her as she rounded the corner into the observation room.

“Well, he did it. I’m convinced of that. Right now he seems to be leaning onto the fact that they deserved it as some sort of defense, which is ridiculous. I’m still not sure about the role the daughter played, though. Was this kid brazen enough to recruit her parents into helping her cheat?”

“Or maybe she fessed up once she got caught cheating,” Kim hypothesized. “Spread the blame out a little bit so the full weight doesn’t fall on her.”

“So, then, what? She gets her daddy to threaten the Everetts into giving her a refund?” Kevin asked.

“I think that’s exactly what happened,” Voight said. “Maybe he took his gun with him for intimidation and got carried away. Either way, we’re not getting anything else out of him now, so let’s get to work filling in those missing pieces.”

“Why don’t you use the daughter?” Trudy asked from where she still stood lurking in the doorway. “If this guy would kill over her getting into college, I imagine he would sing like a bird if he thought there was any chance you could pin this on his innocent little girl.”

Voight just gave her a smile. “All in good time, Trudy. If the ballistics match up, I have a feeling he’ll cave on his own without any outside pressure.”

“But she’s not so innocent here, either,” Hailey pointed out. “There’s certainly a sense of entitlement in the idea that she was more upset that she didn’t get away with it than that she plagiarized in the first place. Obviously, she didn’t want them killed, but she did loop her father in somehow. Did Torres get anything out of her?”

“Nope. Unlike her father, Lauren knows how to keep her mouth shut.”

They returned to the bullpen to regroup and figure out their next steps. Hailey was surprised to see it was already after noon. It felt like it was only a couple of hours ago that she had been called in. She took her phone out of the desk drawer to check in with Jay. She was unsurprised to see a message from him.

I hope your morning got better. What’s the status of our mystery date? Is this weekend going to work?

Hailey checked the availabilities on her phone before she responded.

Tomorrow night sound good?

Then she got to work typing up a warrant request for Raymond Silvers’ cell phone records. If they could get enough to tie him to the scene of the crime, maybe he could be coerced into a deal without having to bring the girl into it.

Absolutely. Still no hint? How am I supposed to know what to wear?

Hailey had to suppress a snort at that question. As if her husband had a vast array of clothing types to choose from.

Use your detective skills, Halstead! And 99% of your wardrobe will be just fine. It’s a casual venue.

He responded before she had a chance to put her phone away.

Well, that’s a relief, at least. If I guess what it is, do I win a prize?

I’m sure we could arrange something, but what do I get if you don’t guess?

Probably not a great idea for me to answer that question while you’re at work, Hailey.

His response made her blush, immediately proving his point.

Probably for the best. Hold on to that answer and tell me later?

You can count on it. Love you!

“Upton! Where are we on the warrant request? I have an ASA on hold right now.” Adam’s voice carried across the room. Why was he so loud? It nearly made her fall out of her chair, and it definitely brought her out of her reverie.

“Nearly done,” she answered. She typed out a ‘Love you, too,’ in response to Jay, pressing the send button on her phone at the same time as she clicked ‘Submit’ on her computer. But the look Adam gave her when she turned to give him a thumbs up told her that she might not have been as subtle as she hoped.

Oh, well. It’s not like he had any room to talk. He was like a walking poster child for what not to do when it came to mixing your personal and professional lives. And if everything managed to fall into place for him, maybe there was hope for them all.

She wasn’t being nosy. That’s what she kept telling herself. But the afternoon had slowed down considerably, and Hailey kept a close eye for an opportunity to speak with Kim one-on-one. So when she saw her head back to the locker room, Hailey followed her. It was just about being a good friend. Making sure Kim knew she had someone else with a uterus she could talk to if she needed to.

Then another thought held her back. What if Kim stepped away because she was having morning sickness? No one would want an audience for that. But also, Hailey had over-imbibed enough in her early twenties to know how comforting it could be to have someone closeby to help hold your hair or retrieve a cold cloth. And it wasn’t like Adam could follow her to the bathroom every time she went without raising some eyebrows.

So Hailey swallowed her hesitation and trailed behind Kim. And she was more than a little relieved to find her sitting on the bench in front of her open locker rather than hunched over a toilet.

“All good?” Hailey asked after neither of them spoke for a minute.

“Yeah,” Kim answered, “just got a little flushed in there. Needed a breather.”

Hailey nodded. “Okay. I just wanted to check on you, make sure everything was okay.”

“It is. It’s…” Kim paused, then looked around to ensure that they were alone. Then she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a little scrap of paper, a small white blur visible amidst the grainy backdrop. “I just can’t stop staring at it. I’ve been pulling it up on my phone all morning, but the hard copy feels more real, you know? Like, it was printed straight from the machine that took the image in the first place. The connection feels stronger.”

She handed Hailey the sonogram, and she immediately knew what Kim meant. Because it wasn’t just a picture. The name and date printed in the top right corner confirmed that this was no average image, that Kim had been gifted with a glimpse into the marvels of the tiny person she was growing inside of her. It was small, and misshapen, hardly more distinct than two marbles sitting next to each other in a bowl. Hailey felt honored that Kim would even show her, like she was being let in on a precious secret that was not meant for public eyes for many more months.

“Wow,” she breathed out, unsure of what else to say. “That’s… that’s incredible, Kim. So everything’s tracking well?”

Kim nodded, taking the offered picture back from Hailey. “Yeah. I’m a little bit further along than we realized. Closer to nine weeks, they think, based on size, and… you know… dates.”

“Wow. So you’re already a fifth of the way through.”

Kim nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes. “Yep, but the hormone game is strong.”

“I’m sorry,” Hailey said sympathetically, putting an arm around Burgess and drawing her into an awkward hug. “I’ve never been pregnant, but if it’s anything like PMS, I’m sure they’re absolutely wreaking havoc on you right now.”

“Oh, pregnancy makes PMS look like child’s play,” Kim answered. “They’re back and forth and up and down, and I just have to sit here and keep a straight face and act like I’m not absolutely appalled by that man shooting those kids and then setting them on fire.”

“Yeah. A police station is probably the last place you should be right now.”

Kim nodded against her shoulder. “Yeah. I’m going to talk to Voight as soon as we wrap this case up.”

“Well, the good news is that I think a desk position just opened up. But I think he would understand if you transferred to OEMC for the duration, too.”

“Because that worked out so well for me last time.”

“Kim, listen…” Hailey pulled away and turned to face her head on. “I’m not going to tell you how to process what happened with your last pregnancy. But I know you’ve been in your fair share of therapy, too, enough to know that holding onto the past can be really detrimental, especially if you’re trying to move forward. Try to be gentle with yourself. This is a different situation, and that little bean sprout deserves the best version of you. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that maybe wasn’t even really broken.”

Hailey patted her friend on the back, uncertain if her words had crossed some lines. But Kim gave her a pensive smile and thanked her before Hailey stepped back out into the bullpen. She hoped the phone carrier had provided Silvers’ records in the meantime, because she was ready to nail this jerk and be done with this case.

The atmosphere at Niko’s Diner hadn’t changed one bit in the many years since Hailey last set foot in the place, and the oppression settled on her like a cloud as she walked through the door. She could practically taste it, the tension that was so much a part of the establishment that it may as well have been part of the uniform. 

She hadn’t been able to identify it, as a child, because that was just how things were, especially at the restaurant. Her parents hadn’t bothered to shield them from the fact that how things went at the diner affected how things went at home. One bad night meant that Hailey might have to wait an extra month in shoes that pinched her toes until they could afford a new pair. A string of bad nights meant her father was sure to drown his troubles at the pub down the street, wandering home at last call and sleeping it off for a few hours before taking it out on his family once the sun rose again.

So Hailey had always had her guard up the moment she walked through this door. Some of her earliest memories involved being placed in a corner booth with a coloring book and a vague threat not to cause trouble. Soon the toys were replaced with silverware to roll and salt and pepper shakers to fill. And by the time she finished fourth grade, she was a pro at working the front register. It was only a few hours a week after school, so it wasn’t a job. It was just her way to help her family out. To smile extra sweetly at the old couples and say ‘thank you’ in Greek when she settled their bill, because they always commented on her dimple and left a bigger tip in the jar. 

It wasn’t optional, then. It was just logic. The more she and her brothers helped at the diner, the better it would do. And the better the diner did, the less her father would have to be angry about. The theory was sound, but in practice, that just really wasn’t how things ended up. And considering how much of her formative years revolved around Niko’s, the fact that her parents made the choice to up and move away was pretty destabilizing. Everything still depended on how the restaurant was performing, she was just far more removed from it, had less control over it. But it also helped to clarify how wrong she had been in her assumption. The diner was doing better than ever; they were even able to pay people to roll their silverware, now. But her dad still managed to find plenty of things to be angry about.

Hailey had always figured that her brothers felt similarly, so it had been a bit of a shock when Tyler volunteered to take over the day-to-day operations when her dad had to step down for his health. He didn’t exactly have a head for business, but he seemed more than happy to pick up where her parents had left off. And as far as she could tell, business was still good. Enough for her parents to enjoy a comfortable retirement while also providing her middle brother with a decent living.

What she saw today confirmed that; Tyler had agreed to meet up with them mid-morning (he called it brunch, though Niko’s menu never had anything that would particularly appeal to that crowd), but even in the downtime between the steady breakfast and lunch rushes, the place was far from empty. Hailey had to scan four different tables before locking eyes with Seth, tucked away in the very corner where she once sat entertaining herself with a coloring book. The booths had been reupholstered at some point in the last fifteen years, and a fresh coat of paint on the walls made the whole diner feel a little less ominous. But still, a sense of dread settled low in her gut as she walked back to meet her brothers in the corner.

“Hi,” she said briskly, hesitating for a minute but then leaning into the hug when her oldest brother wrapped his arms around her.

“It’s good to see you,” Seth said as they settled into the booth. “Don’t worry; they’re not here.”

“I know,” Hailey answered, shrugging out of her jacket. She hadn’t been able to help doing a quick scan around the diner to ensure there would be no unwanted surprises. “Tyler said so in the text. Is he here?”

In answer to her question, she heard a voice behind her say, “Hey, look who it is! Wasn’t sure you were going to make it, Delphi.”

Hailey cringed at the nickname no one but Tyler called her since she was five years old, his own mispronounced twist on the Greek word for ‘sister.’ “Well, it’s not exactly my favorite place in the world,” Hailey admitted as she scooted over to make room. “But if it’s the only place we can catch you, then I can make it work.”

“Yeah, I’ve been having trouble holding onto a manager for the weekend morning shifts. So I like to make sure I’m around just in case something happens. So, what’s going on? Seth said you had something important to talk about?”

His face looked way too eager. “I’m not pregnant,” she said bluntly, just to put that theory to rest.

Seth bowed his head, but he couldn’t completely disguise his laughter. Hailey reached across the table and gave his shoulder a shove. “Did you tell him I was pregnant?”

“Of course not! But I didn’t exactly steer him away when he brought it up.”

“Why are you wasting time?” Tyler asked. “If you and Jay are back on good terms, there’s no time like the present, Hailey. You’re not getting any younger.”

“First of all, you have no room to talk; you’re two years older than me and nowhere close to settling down. Secondly, you both should know better than to ask that question of anyone in this day and age. Not everyone can have or wants a baby, and they don’t owe you an explanation either way.”

“Right, sorry. My bad. So what is so important for you to talk to us about it in person?”

Hailey fidgeted in her seat, suddenly very aware that Tyler had her trapped in the booth. “Can I get something to drink?” she asked.

“Sure thing,” Tyler said. He waved down a waiter, and soon three cups of steaming hot coffee were sitting before them.

Both of her brothers seemed to sense her change in demeanor, but in true Upton fashion, neither of them seemed to know what to do about it. So Hailey wrapped her hands around her mug, the warmth keeping her tethered to the here and now, and searched her mind, hoping for enlightenment about the best way to start this conversation.

“So, nothing really happened, per se, that I need to talk to you about. But I guess I wanted to kind of, I don’t know, bounce some ideas off of you two. Because… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our childhood, and the more soul-searching I do… well, sometimes, the more isolated I feel. I try to talk to Jay about it, but it’s hard when you have to explain every little thing. Even in therapy. But… I don’t have to do that with you guys. Or I shouldn’t, anyway. So, I guess I just wanted us to have an opportunity to talk through some things.”

“Things like what?” Tyler asked, looking between the two of them for clarification.

Seth gave her a sympathetic look. “I think you’re going to have to be more specific, Hailey.”

She looked at the ceiling and let out a slow, steady breath. “I guess I’m just trying to figure out… How are you guys not ruined? Because we grew up in the same house, we experienced the same childhood, and I feel like it absolutely ruined me. There’s so much damage left over, and I don’t know how to deal with it. So I guess I’m just looking for input. Advice. Because I’ve come too far now to keep on pretending that everything was normal, but I don’t know what to do beyond that.”

“What do you mean by ‘ruined,’ Hailey?” Tyler asked tentatively. “From where I’m sitting, you have a pretty good life. Did something happen?”

Hailey kept her eyes on the swirls of steam emanating from her coffee. Her fingers itched, so she ran them around the rim of the mug once, twice, three times before she responded. “I mean that I have no idea what a healthy marriage looks like. That I chose my entire career because the idea of being the one in control was something I craved. That I formed some level of emotional attachment with almost every partner I’ve ever had simply because they made me feel safe. That the first time Jay told me he loved me, I totally freaked out because I had no idea what to do with that. How to acknowledge a love that didn’t come hand in hand with pain. And then when he left, even though he meant it for the best, I clung so hard to the belief that I deserved that pain that it literally drove me crazy. That I ended up in a mental hospital when it felt like my only way out was down the barrel of a gun.”

She heard her brother gasp, and for a moment she felt bad that she was being so severe in her explanation. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That’s not exactly how I planned this conversation to go. But I… I’ve been in therapy for a while now, and at first I was really mad at you guys, too. But my therapist pointed out that no matter how alone I feel in this, that I wasn’t the only one experiencing it. So I just need you guys to know. To either validate what I’m going through, or to tell me I imagined it and it’s all in my head.”

“It’s not,” Tyler murmured beside her, nearly making her jump out of her skin as he took her hand from where it fidgeted tirelessly with her cup. “You didn’t imagine it, Delphi.” And only once she tore her eyes away from the tabletop and looked him in the face did he add, “Did you really try to kill yourself?”

“I, uh… I didn’t make it quite that far,” she clarified, pulling her hand away and using it to tuck her hair behind her ear. “I had my gun out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Geez, Hailey,” Seth breathed out. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“Yeah, well… it’s not, anymore. Antidepressants and lots of therapy have gotten me to a much better place. So, yeah. I don’t know if either of you have ever really tried reconciling everything, but that’s what I’m trying to do right now. So, if you want to talk about it, great. If you’re happy to just continue pretending like everything was okay, I can respect that, too. But I want you to know I’m done with that. I tried that for years, and it never did me any good. So, I guess that’s what I wanted to tell you guys. That I’ve come to terms with how screwed up our childhood was, and I’m done acting like any of it was okay.” She took a deep, shuddering sigh, and brought her coffee to her lips once more. Hailey could feel the trembling starting in her core and hoped that the warmth from the beverage would hold it at bay.

It didn’t work. “Are you cold?” Tyler asked.

She shook her head, curling her arms around her middle. “It’s just a stress reaction. It happens sometimes. Apparently I was pretty nervous about telling you guys.”

“Hailey,” Seth said, a note of sadness lacing his voice, “you don’t have to be afraid to talk to us. We’re not him. And I know I didn’t protect you guys like I should have-”

“That’s not what this is about,” Hailey interrupted. “I know I said I had anger towards you, but it was misplaced. I don’t blame you. For anything when we were kids. But now… it’s hard because I’m not sure you guys feel the same way. Neither of you seem as affected by it all as I am.”

There was a moment of uneasy silence as Hailey glanced between her two brothers. “It’s not that I’m unaffected,” Seth said finally. “It’s just that it was a long time ago, and I guess I don’t see a benefit in rehashing the past. It’s not like he’s ever going to acknowledge the damage he’s done, so if it’s a choice between holding a grudge forever or figuring out how to let it go, I’m trying to let it go.”

“But is it working?” Hailey asked.

Seth shrugged. “Eh. We’re making it work. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. I can deal with a little discomfort if it means they get to make positive memories with him. You know, I think that’s what it’s all about: every generation tries to make things a little bit better than the one before. He probably thought he was an improvement on his own father, since he was at least around. I’m not saying it’s right,” he clarified at Hailey’s raised eyebrow, “I’m saying that’s how it is.”

“So you’re okay with your kids not knowing the truth about their grandfather?”

Seth gave a helpless shrug. “What good would it do?”

“I can see both sides,” Tyler said, his own eyes cast down towards the tabletop. “It makes sense how it might be easier to just put all that behind you, if you can. I can also understand why that might not be so easy.” He looked back up. “It can really do a number on your confidence, if you think about it.”

Hailey nodded, feeling more sure of herself as the tremors began to subside. “I’m not trying to convince you of anything, or place blame, or even figure it all out. I’m just done hiding, and I thought it was only fair to let you guys know why. I was looking for a little validation, but really I just wanted to get it all out in the open. The only person we’re protecting by keeping quiet is him.”

“And, just to be clear,” Tyler said, “we’re not implicating Jay in any of this? This is all on Mom and Dad?”

Hailey sighed and took a sip of her coffee to buy a little time. “Look, you guys, I’m not going to discuss the finer points of my marriage with you. Jay isn’t blameless, but neither am I. We’ve both been going through a lot of stuff, really for our whole marriage. And we both did a pretty crummy job of dealing with it. But, unlike our father, Jay has owned up to it. He’s apologized, many times, but more importantly, he’s putting in the work. We both are. So you don’t have to like it, or him, even, but I do need you to respect it.”

“I’m just saying… you had fifteen years to have a breakdown, or whatever, from our problematic childhood, but that didn’t happen until after he left. Doesn’t feel like a coincidence.”

“It’s a little more complex than that,” Hailey explained. “And, again, I’m not taking marriage advice from someone whose longest relationship has been with a business he inherited from our parents.”

“Speaking of,” Seth commented, “one of the conditions of this last-minute meeting was that you were, in fact, going to feed us, right?”

“Impatient much?” Tyler answered. “Lena is working today, which means there will be a fresh batch of baklava any minute now. Gyros are on the house, but anything else from the menu, you pay for.”

“Gyros it is, then,” Hailey said.

“Cheapskate.”

“Hey. You offered, dummy, and Jay and I are pinching our pennies a little bit right now. He’s between jobs, and I haven’t exactly been working a ton of hours since my… time off.”

“Yeah, what about that?” Tyler asked. “You were really in a psych ward?”

“I was.”

“Like, the kind where they tie you to the bed and put you in a padded room?”

Hailey rolled her eyes. “I think those perceptions are a little outdated. At least, I didn’t see any of that. But I wasn’t allowed to wear my own clothes at first. And they counted our silverware, and told me I couldn't sleep with my arms under the covers.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I think it has to do with monitoring and ensuring safety. That was the first night when they had to check on me every fifteen minutes, and I guess if they couldn’t see my hands they couldn’t know for sure that I wasn’t doing something dangerous with them?”

Seth asked, “How on earth did you sleep if someone was coming in every fifteen minutes?”

“I was medicated, and also extremely sleep deprived. I barely remember that first day. But yeah, it wasn’t the best experience. Can’t say I recommend it. That’s why I’m being pretty meticulous about keeping myself in a good headspace. Anyway, where is that baklava?”

“Good to know you two came because you wanted to see me and not because of the food,” Tyler bemoaned. “Let me check on it.”

There was a shift in the tone of the conversation as it turned from the heavy topics Hailey brought to the food that was a comfort to all three of them, despite whatever complicated feelings they may have had about the restaurant growing up. Hailey went straight for the baklava. It was one of her favorites, but she never had the patience to make it for herself.

“Mmmm. You weren’t wrong, Tyler. These are spectacular. I hope you’re paying this Lena well.”

“Brave words for someone who’s eating for free.”

“Whatever. I’ll buy some to-go to take home for Jay.”

“No need,” Seth stated, pointing out the window. “He’s sitting just down the street.”

“He’s what?” Hailey turned in her seat to see where her brother was indicating. Sure enough, her husband was casually sitting at one of the outdoor tables at the cafe across the street with a beverage, scrolling on his phone.

Tyler craned his neck to look, too. “So now he’s following you?”

“No,” Hailey said emphatically, righting in her seat. “He’s picking me up, and he was probably just early. Although it doesn’t surprise me that he’s close by; things didn’t go so well when I first told Mom about everything, and he was worried that might happen again.”

“Oh, man,” Tyler said around a mouthful of pita, “you talked to Mom about this?”

She nodded dispiritedly and pushed her plate away. “I told you; I’m done pretending.”

“Hey, don’t do that,” Seth urged, pushing the plate back. “Don’t prove him right. We’re not having a bad time, and this food is delicious. Don’t let your nerves keep you from enjoying it.”

“Yeah, especially since it’s free,” Tyler added.

“Why don’t you call him over here? We can all take advantage of this opportunity to catch up with each other. Unless there’s a reason you don’t want him here?” Seth asked.

“No. He was just trying to give us privacy, what with the sensitive subject matter, and all.” Hailey bit her lip and looked between her two brothers. “If he comes over here, do you promise to be nice to him?”

Seth feigned a look of indignation. “What do you mean, Hailey? We’re always perfect gentlemen.”

She turned her attention to her other brother. “Yes, fine, I’ll behave,” Tyler promised. “But he’s paying for whatever he eats, and I expect a 20% tip minimum.”

“Well, that was certainly an experience,” Jay announced as they loaded up into the truck an hour later. “It’s easy to see why you learned to be so feisty.”

“And that was them holding back,” she answered. “I told them they had to be nice to you.”

Jay chuckled under his breath as he merged into traffic. “I guess I shouldn’t complain, if it was done out of protection for you?”

“That’s what they want you to think. Really, I think they just don’t know any other way to relate to me than by teasing. It’s like whatever is in that big brother gene that tells them they have to constantly put me in my place never goes away. And now, it just extends to you, too.”

He replied, “Oh, I know the older brother shenanigans all too well. Will would always outsmart me, but then I was the scrappier fighter, so we were a pretty even match. I’m guessing it’s a lot different with a sister.”

Hailey shrugged. “Not that much, I don’t think. It’s funny, because now that I’m uber-analyzing everything about myself, I see it in other people, too. I feel like maybe it’s a coping mechanism that started when we were kids. Because we couldn’t talk about anything serious then. You know? Not once did they come to me after one of my dad’s outbursts and say, ‘Want to talk about it?’ Instead, they would do whatever they could to get my mind off of it. To make me stop crying. Sometimes that was making one of my stuffed animals do a funny voice. Sometimes it was making fun of whatever book I was reading. Sometimes it was rearranging everything on my desk. It’s almost like…” Hailey paused, the concept finalizing even as she spoke. “It was almost like they annoyed me on purpose, because it was better for me to be angry than to be sad. Or maybe that was just some desperate attempt to convince me that things were back to ‘normal.’”

Jay chewed his lip and gave her a quick glance out the corner of his eye. “Hmm,” he finally said. “Maybe it was like they were protecting you, in their own way. Kind of like they are now by giving me the absolute cold shoulder.”

“It’s not their responsibility,” she mused quietly. “It wasn’t then, and it definitely isn’t now.”

“I don’t blame them, though. A lot’s happened between us that they aren’t privy to. All they see is you returning to the guy who abandoned you for a year.”

Hailey sat up straighter in the passenger’s seat. “Yeah. I’m not worried about that at all. They’ll come around to you. But it is a little sickening to think about how much they were shouldering back then, even if they didn’t realize it.”

Jay drummed his fingers on the steering wheel a few times. “We can cancel our date, if you want. Give you a quiet evening at home if you need time to process the conversation.”

She raised her eyebrows at him. “Um, no. You are not getting out of it that easily, Halstead. I’ve been looking forward to this for a while, and this is our last weekend before we’re both full time police again. I don’t know when we would be able to reschedule. And I do believe we have a wager riding on your ability to figure it out within the next six hours or so?”

“I don’t think we ever solidified the terms of that wager?” A smile escaped out the corner of his lips.

“I think it’s less about the terms and more about the general spirit.”

“Fair enough,” he nodded. “Sounds good. As long as you’re sure you’re up for it?”

“I’m sure. Talking to them is a lot different than it was with my mom, for a lot of reasons. I don’t know if we’ll ever see totally eye-to-eye, but it’s okay. And we ended in a good place. And, who knows? Maybe it’ll be easier to bring it up with my Mom again now that everyone knows where it’s coming from.”

“Makes sense,” Jay said. “So you’ll be able to enjoy our fancy date without any distractions?”

She let off a huff of laughter. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll be distracted. But it definitely won’t have anything to do with my brothers. Now, you’d better get to sleuthing, because the clock is ticking, and I have big plans for you when I win our bet.”

Chapter Text

Jay had been making guesses the entire ride, narrowing them down as Hailey drove. Bowling. Shopping for new bath towels. The Botanic Garden. Making pottery. The Art Institute. An improv show. A cooking class. It was clear that he hadn’t really put any thought into it and was just naming various establishments as they drove through the city and then parked in a garage a few miles from their place. He wasn’t doing a great job of convincing Hailey that he cared about winning their stupid bet at all. Especially as his guesses got sillier and more absurd as they strolled down the street hand in hand.

“Really?” he asked as she finally steered him off the sidewalk towards their destination. “An escape room?”

“Mm-hmm,” Hailey murmured, a satisfied twinkle in her eye. “You’ve never done one, have you?”

“I mean, I’ve never done a staged, gamified version of one. But I have gotten myself out of some hairy situations in real life.”

Hailey swung open the door and ushered him in. “I know, that’s what gave me the idea. I thought maybe you were a little nervous about starting back with the department, and I figured this could be a low-stakes way to ease you into it. Give you some practice. We don’t have to if you think it’s stupid,” she added as an afterthought.

“No, absolutely not,” Jay said. “I don’t think it’s stupid, I’m just a little nervous about it. Not sure I would be able to live it down if we don’t win.”

“Well, I did remind you of your detective skills every time you asked about a hint, which was in itself a hint, but I’m not sure you picked up on that.”

“Oh. Yeah,” he said. “Totally didn’t. So either I really need the practice, or this is going to be a disaster. But I would never pass up a date opportunity with you, especially since you put so much effort into it.”

“It was a little bit of work,” Hailey admitted. “Once I looked at the room options, I realized that it might not be the best activity for two people with PTSD. So I chose the museum heist experience; probably a lot less threatening if we’re in the shoes of the criminals and not like, trapped in a creepy cabin or an abandoned mine or something.”

“That’s probably true. So what’s the exact premise?”

Hailey pulled out her phone and showed Jay the summary from the website while they waited to be checked in. “Oh, there’s one other thing,” she added. “Since we’re not exactly rolling in dough and I didn’t want to purchase all the available slots, there’s a good chance we’ll have other people in the room with us.”

“So you weren’t kidding when you said you weren’t going for romance, huh?”

“Nope,” she laughed.

By the time they were checked in and assigned to a room, it was clear that they were not going to be undertaking this challenge alone. Sure enough, they were placed in a group with six other people: another couple, younger than them and seemingly much earlier along in their relationship; and a family of two parents and their teenaged sons.

“This is the team we have to steal priceless artifacts with?” Hailey whispered skeptically as they were led to their room.

“Hey, look at it this way,” Jay answered. “At least they will probably be more helpful than the average witness we encounter at work, since they all paid to be here, too.”

“I don’t know. I feel like those kids were probably dragged here by their parents.”

“Oh, well,” Jay said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “All the more challenging for us! But can we agree that if we fail, by some remote chance, that we never speak of it outside these walls?”

“Deal. But we’re not going to fail.”

And before they could conspire any further, Hailey and Jay were led into a room with the others and the door was locked behind them. Jay jumped into action, immediately surveying their surroundings for clues that were going to lead them to success. He was going through the pockets of a jacket hanging from the coatrack in the corner when he heard Hailey chuckling behind him.

“What?” he asked her, smiling as he pulled out a slip of paper with three numbers on it.

“You keep reaching for your holster. It’s not there, Jay, and I’m sure we don’t need a gun to pull off this heist.”

“A gun?” the younger lady asked, looking at her date in question.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Jay assured her. “She was saying that I don’t have one. Usually I do when clearing a room like this, so I guess I was reaching for it subconsciously.”

The woman didn’t look any more at ease, so Hailey added, “We’re police officers. Not professional art thieves.”

“Why are there cops here?” one of the teenagers asked. “Are they doing something illegal?”

“Don’t be a dumbass, Travis,” his brother said. “They wouldn’t announce themselves if they were undercover.”

“Language!” their father barked at them.

“No,” Jay said, “we’re not on the clock right now. We’re here to play, just like you guys, and my wife has already started causing trouble by distracting you all, because I found a clue. See? It looks like the end of a code, or maybe a phone number, so I’m guessing there’s more pieces around here somewhere.”

“Maybe we should split up sections of the room for each of us to search?” the mother suggested?

Jay nodded enthusiastically. “Sectors. Great idea. Let’s divide up and do an inch-by-inch grid search. Anything we find gets placed in the middle of the floor, then we can come together and brainstorm strategies.”

Their little group spread out, each person gravitating to a separate area to investigate. “Hey,” Hailey got his attention before dispatching to the northwest corner of the room. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You still got it.”

He couldn’t help giving her a smirk. “Was there ever any doubt? Now, hop to it, Henchman. These artworks aren’t going to steal themselves.”

“I’m not sure why you think you would outrank me in this little fantasy scenario you concocted.”

“Because I found the first clue while you were busy ogling me, Hails.” He pointed back to her assigned corner. “You snooze, you lose.”

Fifty-four minutes and a great deal of effort later, the ragtag group emerged victorious from their assigned task. Hailey laughed quietly to herself that she had ever doubted if Jay would enjoy this activity, because he was far and away the most enthusiastic out of their whole bunch. The other couple, Brent and Liana, was shy and reserved, and Hailey wasn’t surprised at all when Liana mentioned that it was only their third date. She thought that was a risky move, because she came to realize that doing an escape room with someone was akin to playing Monopoly with them: you were going to see their true colors come out.

Fortunately for Jay, the rest of the group seemed to really respond to his strong leadership style. Hailey was pretty sure Sheila was a little smitten by him, whereas her husband Roger was just happy that someone else was taking the game as seriously as he was. Their excitement was contagious, though, and by the time they were closing in on the end, even the teenaged boys were invested. When they finally found the last piece of the code and entered it on the keypad for the door to open for them, the whole group let out a collective cheer that they had successfully accomplished their mission.

“So, you liked the escape room, huh?” Hailey asked, once they had bid their newfound friends farewell.

“Yep. I think you and I could make pretty good criminals if we ever get tired of this side of the law.”

“I wouldn’t joke about that,” she warned. “We’ve both skirted that line a little too close for comfort in the past. I’d prefer to leave it in the past.”

He held the door open for her as they exited the building. “Good call. Now, the night is still young. Did you have any other plans for this date or am I allowed to make a suggestion?”

“That depends. What might your suggestion be?”

“Ice cream at Jeni’s?” he said.

“Oh, I think we can definitely make room for that modification,” she agreed. “Did you want to invite Roger and Sheila?”

He tilted his head as if in deep thought. “Mmm… as much fun as I had with them, I think it would probably spoil the mood if they accompanied us on our entire date.”

“Just you and me then?” she asked.

He nodded and pulled her hand into his, intertwining their fingers so her hand was nearly swallowed by his. “Just you and me.”

“So,” Hailey pondered in between spoonfuls of peaches and cream, “what are your thoughts about the whole online degree thing?”

Damn, she was sneaky. Here Jay was, thinking that her idea for a date was strictly for them to spend some much-needed time together as a regular couple, away from all the drama and angst that had been surrounding them lately. But it would seem that she had an ulterior motive. Got him all drunk with power and ice cream just to corner him into a conversation that he thought he had been able to put off. 

It would be a lot easier for him to make a decision if they just conveniently forgot about it and never brought it up again.

“Honestly… I’m still not really sure how I feel about it,” Jay admitted, using his attempt to dig through his pint of Lemon and Blueberries Parfait as a reason to avoid meeting her eyes.

He felt and heard Hailey next to him, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. A clear sign that her own nerves were working, or else her frustration was starting to grow. Maybe both.

“You had said…” she started, before hesitating and trying again. “You had said that you liked the idea of having a backup plan. Maybe we can talk through how that might look if you had a degree. Which additional options that might provide you.”

Jay nodded, clearing his throat before answering. “Yeah. In hindsight, I think that was the main reason that I jumped at the chance to go back overseas. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt until a way out presented itself. And I, uh… I was a little overzealous. We were so entangled, the three of us.” He turned to look at Hailey. “It was like you, me, and Voight were all pulling each other down in our efforts to stay afloat. And after the whole thing with Anna, I felt like I was protecting you by extension when I protected him, but that was also what was pushing you away from me. So when someone offered me a chance to remove myself from the equation, I did what made the most sense to me.” His voice was thick and much quieter when he summarized, “I didn’t know what else to do at that point, Hailey.”

For a moment, neither of them said anything more. Then Hailey turned so that she was facing him and not the ice cream counter, her fingers tip-toeing up and down his upper arm. “What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t left?”

“Nothing good,” he said truthfully. “You were well on your way to losing patience with me, and for good reason. I mean,” he shook his head ruefully at the memory, “as much as you hated me for leaving you, let’s not pretend like I wasn’t already putting distance between us long before I showed up at the airport.”

“I never hated you, Jay.” Her rebuttal was quiet but firm. “And I’m well aware of how out of sync we were before you left. But you really don’t think we could have found another solution? Transferred one of us to another unit, started counseling, and done what we could have to start over on a better page?”

He tapped his fingers on the counter. “I don’t know if we would have made it that far, Hails. Not before one of us crashed and burned. Remember what you said a while ago, about how we needed a wake-up call?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you were right. We were in too deep, and since we fell in together, there was nothing keeping either of us from going over the edge.”

She gave a thoughtful hum before turning back to face the counter. She took another bite of her ice cream, giving herself a moment before she said, “So, what you’re saying is, maybe we took the whole ‘I’ll follow you anywhere’ thing a little too far?”

A huff of laughter escaped him at hearing her succinct summary. “Maybe we should make a different kind of promise to each other. ‘I will follow you to the edge of reason and then I will dig in my heels and kick and scream and do whatever it takes to keep you from losing yourself.’”

She squinted and tilted her head. “It’s a bit wordy. And I’m not sure how good it would look embroidered on a throw pillow. But I think the sentiment is good. So… that brings me back to the acceptance letter. You think you would have been able to pull yourself out more easily if you had that in your back pocket?”

He shrugged. “I think it’s a good possibility. No way to know for sure.”

“Okay, so, that’s a pretty big pro.” Hailey pulled out her phone and started to type. “Emotional security. More options for work and opportunities for advancement. What are the cons?”

“Are you making a pro/con list for me?”

“I’m just trying to organize my thoughts. That’s not a crime, is it?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m just not sure I’ve ever seen you make a pro/con list for anything.”

“Well, it’s recently been brought to my attention that this can be more helpful than overthinking for days on end,” she explained. “So. Cons. Are there any?”

“Well, I mean… let’s just say I’m a little concerned about disrupting this routine we’ve got going. I know you’re doing so much better, Hailey, but objectively speaking, it’s only been a few months since everything happened. I think it makes sense to not try rocking the boat just yet. You know?”

She bit her lip, but nodded her agreement after a moment. “I understand that, and appreciate it, but also… these are online courses, right? I can’t imagine it would be that big of a disruption.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I’ve never taken college classes before; never even thought of it when I was finishing high school. I saw Will drowning in his pre-med coursework and decided that was not for me. But I have to imagine it would involve a good bit of my time, at the very least. And I’m not sure how the scheduling would be, either. That’s another thing: I feel like I’m getting a second chance with this job offer in Narcotics. I want to be able to devote as much time as I need to get settled there.” He shook his head and pushed back from the counter. “The timing just doesn’t feel right, Hailey. I want to focus on you and us and work and trying to throw anything else in the mix right now just feels like a bad idea.”

“Okay… so maybe not a ‘no,’ but a ‘not now?’ I just… I just really don’t want you to feel trapped, again, Jay. And I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we both know that if you’re using me as a reason not to do something you really want, it could lead to resentment.”

“I don’t feel trapped,” he assured her. “I am here because I want to be. And that whole idea of having a backup plan doesn’t feel as important as it used to. And I think that’s because you and I are in a better place. And if we can both keep our promises not to follow each other the next time one of us falls down a black hole, then I’m hoping I’ll never need a backup plan again.”

His comment made her smile, but there was a note of sadness to it. “What?” he asked.

“Putting all your eggs in one basket, huh?”

“I guess. Go big or go home, right?”

“I think I’m just a little wary of that ‘all or nothing’ mentality,” she said. “It feels like a lot of pressure, and honestly I think that’s driven some of my more impulsive decisions over the years. No one’s at their best when they feel backed into a corner. We’re both proof of that.”

“So,” Jay inquired, “are you saying you would feel better if I had a backup plan?”

She pursed her lips, thinking for a moment before she replied, “I’m saying I would feel better knowing that the courses of our lives aren’t set in stone. That if we get a few months, or a few years, into this arrangement and it isn’t working, we would both be okay with trying something new. And I need to know that you feel safe enough that your first instinct isn’t to jump ship the minute something goes wrong.”

“Hailey, I-”

“I know, Jay. You’ve promised me over and over again that it won’t happen again. And I want to believe you. But it happened once, and I’m just not sure that we’re ever going to be able to undo the damage that did. That piece of doubt shrinks every single day; it’s barely noticeable most of the time, but I don’t know if it will ever go away completely. So when we start talking about these hypotheticals again, part of my mind goes there. And, I guess, to me, it feels foolish not to cover all our bases. If you feel the itch to run, what can I do to stop it? If there’s something I can do, why wouldn’t I do it?”

Jay’s eyes were glued to the plastic countertop in front of him, blurry now from the unshed tears that had formed in his eyes. Everything Hailey was saying made sense, so how was he supposed to respond to that? Except- 

“Hailey, I think the main problem with that logic is thinking that any of it was your responsibility. You’re not the only person I’ve run from. And I didn’t realize how much of a pattern it was until I was already out of the country. But there’s a reason why some of the most turbulent times of my life match up with my deployment dates. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I didn’t completely push my dad and Will away was because we’re family. Even so, my dad and I barely spoke. That was just always my MO - things get difficult, get the hell out.”

“That’s a really good insight, Jay,” Hailey said. He looked back over to see her smiling, this one much more relaxed. “The question is, what are you going to do about it? Because life is pain, and I guarantee that no matter how much we both try, we’re going to face tough times again. So what can you do to make us both feel better about your ability to deal with it?”

There was a weighted silence while they both pondered the significance of her question. “I liked the beginning of the date a lot better than this part,” he admitted.

That made her laugh. “Yeah, this really took a turn, didn’t it? But the good news is we don’t have to have any final answers tonight. We brought a lot to the surface, so that’s some progress. And, any time that I get to spend talking to you while simultaneously eating the best ice cream in Chicago is not wasted. Plus, no one said the date was over yet.”

He slid off his stool and held out his hand to help her do the same. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. And that’s the most important thing,” she reminded him. “We have plenty of time to figure out all the rest.”

He kissed the side of her head while they exited the ice cream parlor, only for her to gasp in excitement when she opened the door to find it pouring outside. “It’s raining!” she squealed.

“I can see that. Did you by any chance bring an umbrella?”

“No. Umbrellas are for the weak. Plus, I didn’t know they were calling for rain.”

Jay pulled his hood up and peeked out from beneath the awning to assess just how bad it was.

Hailey offered, “Do you want me to get the car and pick you up?”

“Of course not,” he scoffed. “What kind of gentleman lets a woman walk alone at night in the rain? Besides, like you said… a little water never hurt anybody. Right?”

Hailey eyed him skeptically. “You sure? It might mess up your hair.”

“Shut up,” he told her. “I can do this. You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

And with that, he grabbed hold of his wife’s hand, took a deep breath, made a mental note of how nice it felt to be dry so he could remember, and stepped out into the downpour. They both gasped from the chill of the contact, but it wasn’t long before he grew used to the sensation. He would never understand what Hailey found so enticing about the rain, but he had to admit it was better drudging through it with her by his side. As long as they were together, Jay was convinced they could get through anything. 

The journey to the car got them soaking, but it served as a perfect excuse for them both to shed their clothing as soon as they made it safely into their apartment. And despite Hailey’s insistence that the purpose of this date was not a romantic one, the rainy excursion had lightened their mood enough that neither of them felt the need to suppress their natural instincts that took over from there.

It was one of the best parts of marriage, she thought, as they moved quickly to the bedroom, seeking the warmth of the covers and each other, that they were secure enough in their relationship that the awkwardness of their earlier conversation didn’t prevent them from ending their night on a much better note. But she knew it wasn’t the legal document uniting the two that allowed them such a level of intimacy; even just a year ago, she knew the outcome would have most likely been different. The discomfort of such a perplexing discussion with no clear resolution would have driven her into her own head, not to mention how it might have affected Jay. But now, she was able to recognize the growth from their past selves. That they both valued connection over convenience. And that they both knew there were multiple ways for them to find that connection.

That they were both eager to explore every last one.

She was even more grateful for that fact as she lay in bed after, skin glowing from the sheen of sweat as she slowly descended from the euphoric state she had been hovering in for the last several minutes. Jay’s chest was solid beneath her cheek, his fingers carding listlessly through her hair, and she knew their efforts had left him as equally spent as she felt. Exhausted, but in the most amazing way. 

These quiet, serene moments were what she had yearned for as a child. She had had no concept of this type of peace, no understanding of the complete security that could come from being wrapped up in the right person’s arms. The unspoken assurance that they were in this together, no matter what. She could lie like this forever, nestled snug in bed with her husband beside her, the roar of the wind and the patter of rain on the skylight emphasizing that she was in the safest possible place.

“Kim’s pregnant,” she said, breaking the silence after a few moments of postcoital contemplation. 

His hand stilled in her hair. “I didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“I know,” she smiled into his chest. “I just needed to tell someone. I think it’s technically still a secret, although not for much longer, but I found out before I was supposed to. And I don’t like keeping secrets to myself. Too much pressure. Trying not to do that anymore.”

He shifted subtly beneath her and resumed running his fingers through her hair. “Is there possibly another reason that you brought it up just now? Are you trying to tell me something?”

“I’m trying to tell you that Kim is pregnant. Don’t read too much into it.”

“Okay…” Hailey felt his body grow tense while he debated whether to go any further. “Is that something you might want, someday?”

She wanted to be annoyed with him, pushing the topic in such a tender moment. But she possessed enough self-awareness to recognize that it wasn’t a coincidence that those two subject matters meshed in her mind. Perhaps, subconsciously, she was longing for an opportunity to discuss this with Jay. “I don’t think so,” she admitted at last, eyes firmly fixed on the trifecta of blemishes on the top of his right hip - two freckles and a scar.

She heard him swallow. “Have you always felt that way? Or are you concerned about the idea of having kids with me?”

“Honestly, Jay, I’ve never even seriously thought about it, even once we got married. But I think that says a lot. I’ve basically been terrified of kids ever since I was one, and other than a few angry fantasies where I thought things like ‘I’ll never act like that when I have kids,’ it wasn’t something I pictured for myself when I was little. Not realistically. And nothing has really changed my mind about that. I think you would be a good dad, but we’re not exactly Ward and June Cleaver, you know?”

Her analogy drew a chuckle out of him, and she was relieved that he took her answer at face value. “I do know. You grow up assuming that you’ll get married and have kids, because that’s all you know. But my adult life looks a lot different than my parents’ did. I don’t feel like there’s some gaping hole that I’ll never fill, but also… sometimes I can still see us taking that path. But it makes sense that you would have reservations about it.”

“So,” she voiced, uncertain where his final stance fell, “is that something you think you would want?”

There was a pause as Jay shifted, pushing himself up so he was sitting against the headboard. The absence of his torso beneath hers was devastating. “Hailey,” he asked tentatively, “did you mean what you said earlier? About how I would never be able to repair the damage I’ve done?”

“That’s not what I said.” She sighed and propped herself up on her elbow so that they could be on the same level again. “I said you couldn’t undo it.”

“What’s the difference?” he asked with a helpless shrug.

She bit her lip, thinking. “How many times have you been shot?”

“It’s not that serious, Hailey. No need to resort to violence!” he put his hands up in mock surrender.

“No, you dumbass, I’m going somewhere with this. You’ve been shot, what? Eleven times?”

“Close enough.”

“Then you should know what I mean better than anyone.” She reached out and ran her finger in a gentle circle over the scar on his shoulder. “A bullet ripped through you. It damaged your skin, your muscles, your blood vessels. Caused all sorts of trouble. But your doctors fixed it. With some time and a little TLC, your body healed itself. And now, you’re basically good as new, right? The damage has been repaired. But there’s still a mark.”

“I’m getting better,” she continued. “I wouldn’t say I’m all the way healed yet, but I have a great deal of hope in our ability to completely repair that damage. But sometimes the scars linger. And there’s not a thing you or me or any doctor or therapist or anyone can do about it except to just acknowledge that a bad thing happened. And appreciate how far we’ve come back from it. Does that make sense?”

“I guess,” he murmured with reluctance. “It makes it a little bit easier to think about it that way; as a benchmark for the lowest of our lows. But I’m not proud of it. It’s not a scar I want to show off like I do with the gunshot ones. And I don’t like to think about how it can still come into play with our decision-making. Because of course you wouldn’t want to have a kid with a man who you can’t trust to stick around.”

“I promise you, that’s not it, Jay. In fact, the thing that scares me the least about the idea of having a baby is that I would get to do it with you. But if you think part-time classes are too big of a commitment right now, can we both agree that pregnancy is completely off the table?”

He gave her one of those soft, content smiles that made her insides feel like they were melting. “As a ‘no,’ or as a ‘not now?’”

“I don’t know, Jay,” she answered meekly. “I mean, never say never, but I can’t promise my feelings about this will ever change. And as my brother so kindly reminded me this morning, I don’t have all that much time left if I do reconsider, anyway.”

“Okay, then,” he said, grasping her hand from where it languidly rested against his scar and pulling it tight to his chest, directly over his heart. “No matter what our future holds, it’ll be you and me. And as long as we have that, anything else is just bonus. Right?”

“Are you sure that will be enough for you?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Jay replied with a scoff. “Don’t you think if I was worried about procreating I would have married someone much younger with wider hips?”

“Watch yourself,” she warned. “I may not be young, but I can still kick your ass.”

“Noted. But like I said. Every now and then I see a future where you and I are living a more traditional, stereotypical life. But that’s never been us. And I think a lot would have to change about our lifestyle before either of us felt great about bringing another life into it. But I like where we are. And if you ever change your mind and want to explore that possibility, I’ll be happy to listen. But for now, I’m just happy to be here with you, Hailey. I can’t imagine any lifetime where that wouldn’t be enough for me.”

She took a minute to absorb his words, analyzing his face for any hint of insincerity. “You have quite a way with words, Mr. Halstead, you know that?”

“Just speaking from the heart.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” he was quick to answer. “I love you, too. We’ve always been a good team, just you and me. No need to mess with perfection, right?”

She flipped over to her side and closed the gap between them, forgoing the pleasure of seeing his face in order to feel his arms encircling her from behind. And he knew her well enough, could read all her cues with such ease that he was already holding her close before she got properly settled. “Just you and me?” she asked, throwing the question out there one more time before she would be willing to mark it complete and toss it out into the void forever.

And his answer was clear, in the way his fingers dug into her arms to pull her ever closer. In the way he planted a firm kiss to the top of her head through her tangled hair. In the hum of satisfaction that she felt reverberate through them both as he sank down in the pillow and arranged the blankets so that they were both protected from the chill of the air. But just in case those actions didn’t speak loudly enough, Jay made sure to repeat the actual words, too. Slowly and clearly and with an impressive degree of reverence. “Just you and me.”

Chapter Text

Hailey was feeling triggered.

Of all the therapy-speak she had embraced over the past few months, the psychobabble that had slowly morphed into meaningful terminology to her, this was the one phrase that still made her cringe. But she couldn’t deny that it was true, because the anxiety that was haunting her was disproportionate to what she had experienced during similar circumstances in the past.

This wasn’t her first head injury. It also wasn’t the first time she had been sent to the emergency room against her will, forced to wait for hours on an uncomfortable gurney, someone coming in to shine a light in her eyes every so often, only to be eventually told she was fine to go home. Hailey was sure she would hear the same news from whichever doctor had been unfortunate enough to be assigned her case at Med (she had to assume they drew straws at this point when a member of the Halstead family rolled through the doors). But Voight had insisted that she go in to be checked out, once they apprehended Lewis McKinnon and the chaos of the search started to settle. And the wave of nausea that overtook her once the adrenaline wore off kept her from arguing with him.

So she was agreeable, climbing into a squad car with a patrolman she didn’t know who had been given strict instructions to ensure she made it through the door at Chicago Med. She didn’t protest the monitors, or the IV into the crook of her elbow, and definitely not the Zofran that the nurse offered for the waves of nausea. None of this was exactly new to her. But this was the first time she was dealing with it by herself.

She hadn’t been alone after Booth attacked her on that New Year’s Eve so long ago. She had wanted to do nothing but curl up in her bed and cry, but Garrett dragged her to the ER anyway. Even then, she knew it was the right call, but that didn’t make it any easier to sit through the exam; the poking and prodding had been one thing, but the never-ending questions about the specifics of her assault were what nearly pushed her over the edge. How many ways were there to ask if she was raped without actually saying the words? As someone who grew up witnessing domestic violence, it had unnerved Hailey to speak so candidly about her injuries. Her instinct was to deny, or at the very least, minimize the damage that was displayed all over her body. Instead, she had to describe it in excruciating detail, and then bear the pitying looks the staff gave her when she repeatedly declined to report it to the police. After reiterating her stance for the third time, she had finally disclosed to the disappointed nurse that she was police, that she was undercover when the attack occurred, and that justice would be best served in the long run if she didn’t bring unnecessary attention to that singular act of violence. She wasn’t sure the nurse believed her, but at least they stopped asking after that. And as awful as that night was, at least Garrett had been with her. Shielding her from the stares and judgment. His presence reminding her that this wasn’t like her childhood; it was professional. Allowing her to believe it hadn’t really been sexual assault because it was part of the job. It was Kelly that Booth had attacked, so Hailey was perfectly safe. Perfectly fine. No need to dwell on it any further because it hadn’t really been personal.

She wasn’t alone after the second time Booth attacked her, either. It was a different partner that time, one that was far less willing to believe Hailey when she tried to convince everyone that she was unaffected by what had happened. It was remarkable to think about how, even then, so early in their relationship, Jay had always been able to see through the cracks in her armor. And he was there the time she and Kim had been abducted. Beaten nearly beyond recognition and clearly traumatized, Hailey was little more than a shell when the rest of the team found them in that desolate cabin in the middle of nowhere. She recalled little about the specifics of that day after they were rescued, but she did remember the look on Adam’s face as he consoled her. The one that betrayed his true feelings, telling all of them how conflicted he really was at having to choose which of the two women needed him the most. So when Jay stepped in for him at Hailey’s bedside in the hospital, giving him the freedom to float between the two hospital rooms, it wasn’t exactly surprising. Jay was her partner, after all.

And then there was the time she had the misfortune to be a little too close to a car bomb when it went off. That explosion had thrown her ten feet in the air, the sound alone enough to completely disorient her. That visit to the ED was a little less memorable for her, full of confusion and an irritating ringing in her ears. But Jay was there, and she recalled the soothing feel of his warm hand on her forearm when everything else was thrown into disarray.

So, yes, Hailey had gone through her share of head injuries. But this was the first time she was doing it alone. Which meant she had nothing to distract her from reliving all the previous ones, each one shrouded with its own brand of trauma.

This current wound, by all accounts, was more straightforward than the rest. It wasn’t accompanied by a sordid tale of kidnapping or emotional turmoil. Just a search warrant that took a nasty turn when their target tried to run. He quickly realized the futility when he saw that his home was surrounded and lunged for Hailey’s gun in a move of desperation. The force of his body knocked her off-balance, and her effort to protect her weapon meant that neither of her hands was available to break her fall onto the concrete patio. No, her skull did that for her, and she had never been so grateful to have such a hard head.

And normally, of course, someone from the team would have accompanied her to the hospital, but they were still working with a bare-bones crew. Kim was on light duty, and Voight was dragging his feet about finding a replacement for her for the next eight months. And when Kim was out, Adam was only about three-quarters there himself. As for Hailey, she no longer had any restrictions on paper, but more often than not she could tell that her actions were still being scrutinized. Any outbursts, any signs of fatigue or over-involvement were identified and squashed with an impressive efficiency. So even though Intelligence couldn’t spare anyone to ride with her to the hospital, Voight wasted no time in pointing her to the nearest squad car and informing her that she better have a doctor’s note the next time she showed up at work. 

At least he promised to call Jay for her and let him know what was going on. Because the gentle swaying of the car was enough to make her feel like her head was swimming; she couldn’t fathom trying to look at and manipulate her phone at the same time.

So she came to Med without a fuss, and now she was just waiting. Waiting for the spinning to stop. Waiting to hear that she could go home. Waiting for someone to show up for her.

And when someone finally did, it wasn’t the person she was hoping for, but a nurse doing her regular checks. She predictably shined the light in Hailey’s eyes, and then looked at the monitor with a hint of concern. “Are you still having pain?”

“Maybe a little,” Hailey admitted. “I’m more bothered by the dizziness and nausea, though.”

“Hm. That probably explains why your blood pressure is a little elevated, but we’re going to have to keep a close eye on that. For now, I need to irrigate your wound.”

Right. Hailey had been vaguely aware of the warm dampness in her hair signifying the presence of blood, but the fact that the area hadn’t spread meant it was under control and quickly forgotten. But with the force of her fall, there was no telling what sort of dirt and debris were stuck up there with the dried blood. So she did as the nurse asked, turning on her side and sliding a waterproof pad beneath her head. She felt the nurse’s fingers tenderly probing and sifting through the mess on her scalp, relieved when she heard that stitches wouldn’t be necessary. She was just bracing herself for the cool water to pour over the area when at last she heard a knock on the door.

“Hailey?” Jay asked. He sounded out of breath.

“I’m okay,” she claimed, shifting her eyes to locate him without moving her head. The motion brought with it a fresh wave of dizziness, so she was grateful when he stepped into her line of sight and knelt toward the head of the stretcher. “Just a minor head wound.”

“The Upton specialty,” he teased. “How minor are we talking here?”

“No stitches. And I’ve been waiting over an hour for a head CT, so obviously no one is too concerned.” 

She heard the nurse chuckle at her assumption.

“And what’s going on up there?” Jay asked, motioning to whatever the nurse was doing at the head of the bed.

“Well, she did crack her head open a little bit, and somehow managed to get a suspicious amount of gravel in the wound. Just cleaning it up a bit so it won’t get infected.”

Jay nodded, taking a minute to get his bearings now that he had been apprised of the situation. Then he pulled up the chair in the corner and planted it near her head. “So what happened?”

Hailey sighed. “Not really sure. We were serving a search warrant, and the genius tried to run at first. I guess when he realized he couldn’t escape, he tried to fight, and I was the easiest target. There was a trash bin between us, but he kind of just leaped over it and tried to grab my gun. I was able to fend him off, but I couldn’t regain my balance in time.”

“Who was supposed to be covering you?”

“Jay,” she warned, “this wasn’t anyone’s fault. Well, except McKinnon’s. Torres and Atwater were both right there. In fact, Kevin had him on the ground and cuffed by the time I sat back up. He was in the car not soon after, by the time I realized what was happening.”

“You lose consciousness?”

“No, just a little dazed. You know how it is.” There was a beat of silence as Jay analyzed what she told him. It was getting hard to focus on him in a vertical orientation while she was horizontal. She closed her eyes and muttered, “I’m really sorry to call you away from work. Were you in the middle of something important?”

It was almost embarrassing to ask; for so long, something as simple and mundane as small talk about their jobs was something Jay and Hailey never had to partake in. She never had to ask how his day was; she already knew. And he never had to question her on the specifics of her work, because they were always in it together. Hailey knew that working in separate units was going to be a drastic change from what they were accustomed to. What she wasn’t prepared for was just how separate it made them feel. How isolating it could be alone in her lane, having to decide every day which details were ones Jay should hear about, and which ones could stay in the bullpen. And if that was difficult, knowing that he was experiencing the same thing made her insides ache. 

She supposed they were spoiled all those years, being able to spend so much time together as a matter of course. Because, now, some days Jay came home full of info about the ins and outs of his new position with Narcotics. And others, he was unnervingly quiet about the details of his work. And Hailey didn’t like that. It was foreign, not knowing the specifics of the case he was working. Not knowing who they were after, or what their plan was, or how much danger he might be getting into on any given day. She didn’t like the way that asking him a simple question now felt, somehow, like she was crossing some sort of unspoken boundary.

But he was quick to answer, immediately putting her mind at ease. “Nope, just doing a stakeout in Bucktown. We weren’t getting much, and were about to wrap it up anyway. If anything, you did me a favor.”

“They’re not worried about this becoming a regular thing, right? You being married to another police officer, and all.”

“Is this going to become a regular thing?” he asked. “That was a joke about it being the Upton special, not a suggestion.”

But before she could answer, an orderly showed up to take her to radiology at last for her scan. This was a relief for Hailey in more ways than one, but the biggest one was that this was the final hurdle to get her out of here. A quick photo of her brain to prove her fall had done no lasting damage, and she could put this ordeal behind her.

She should have known nothing in the hospital was that easy, or that fast. They spent another hour waiting for a doctor to read the CT, and when she finally came in to talk to them about it, it wasn’t exactly what Hailey wanted to hear.

“So, your CT doesn’t look too bad,” Dr. Rickards said, “but your symptoms are consistent with a mild concussion.”

“Mild means I can go home?”

The doctor smiled. “Yes, I think that’s fine, assuming you have someone to monitor you overnight.” She glanced at Jay, who nodded his confirmation that he would keep a close eye on her. “But you need to take it easy. There’s a misconception that concussions are no big deal, but they can lead to long-term damage if not treated properly. Especially if you suffer repeated injuries over time, which looks like that might be the case for you.”

Hailey didn’t know why this response disappointed her. The underlying dizziness amplified just from moving from lying down to sitting up, and she knew looking at a computer screen was a bad idea. She clearly needed at least a day or two off work as her addled brain attempted to heal itself. But there was still a stubborn remnant inside of her that resented the implication that she was unfit to work, for no matter how brief a time. But there had been no confusion in Voight’s directive that she stay home until the doctor allowed, and it was clear as day written there on her discharge instructions: two days of rest. And not even the good kind of rest, where she could lounge around, mindlessly watching TV and snacking. But the kind where she had to limit stimulation of any kind, which meant she couldn’t distract herself. She would be stuck, alone with her thoughts and all the uncomfortable memories brought up by this short stint in the ED, with no way to easily expel them.

It wasn’t fair, she thought as she waited by the main entrance for Jay to pick her up (he had offered to bring the truck around, and she was more than okay with that). She knew that she had experienced more than her share of traumatic situations in her life. When faced with the enormity of it as she grappled to cope in those first few weeks after her inpatient stay, Hailey had organized her memories into neat little piles, determining which ones were the most pressing and which she could shove into the back of her mind to deal with later. The ones at the forefront had revolved around her childhood, focusing on how those incidents had shaped her and influenced the way she faced obstacles even today. The ones from work were less pivotal. She was always in control; those situations were expected, planned for, even. Never once was she placed in a scenario where she had no option to walk away.

The tumultuous childhood was more than enough for her to be working through. Why was she being reminded of those other, less significant events now?

And… Why did the idea of talking to Jay about those hurts feel so much more intimidating?

Hailey was doing this weird thing where she wasn’t denying she was hurt. It was a relief for Jay, that he didn’t have to coax her into cooperating with every little thing the doctor ordered, but it also increased his level of concern that something might be seriously wrong with her. He had seen her bounce right back to work after a disturbing number of previous injuries, all serious enough. It didn’t seem possible that this surface-level fall would incapacitate her more than the car bomb had. 

Maybe her agreeable nature was itself a symptom. The discharge papers did say that changes in personality could occur.

Either way, she didn’t hesitate at all to head straight to the bedroom the moment they got home. Jay suspected she may have fallen asleep on the ride if the movement of his truck hadn’t piqued her nausea. Now, he had to talk her into at least changing clothes before she collapsed into bed, a baggy t-shirt and sweats quickly replacing her button-down and jeans.

She hadn’t even looked at her phone. Whether that was her own decision or on the advice of the doctor to avoid looking at screens, Jay didn’t know. But it didn’t surprise him when he saw Voight’s name pop up on the display of his own device a while later.

“What’s up, Hank?” he asked casually through a mouthful of cereal.

“I’m assuming based on your tone that your wife is still alive?”

“Last I checked. She’s been sleeping since we got home, but I’m due to go wake her up soon. Make sure she’s neurologically intact. And I should probably try to get her to eat something.”

“What’d the doc say? Concussion?”

“Yeah,” Jay answered. “Mild. Apparently your suspect gave her a pretty good conk on the head. But you would know all the specifics if someone had gone with her to the hospital.”

“Don't give me that, Jay. We were executing a search warrant, and I’m a little low on man power at the moment. And I'm assuming you haven't forgotten who it was that sat with her the last time she was in the emergency room.”

Jay nearly choked on his granola. He couldn’t believe Voight had the audacity to go there.

Probably for the best, he continued before Jay could formulate an appropriate response. “That’s not to say anything against you, Halstead. I know you would have been with her if you could. I just want to remind you that I’m not in the habit of sending anyone off to the hospital alone. I know my team, and I knew that Hailey would have much rather had you with her than any of us.”

“Someone from the team should have been with her,” Jay stated through gritted teeth. “I’m not even going to get into the fact that this shouldn’t even have happened; there’s no reason an offender should have gotten that close to her if she had backup.”

Hank's voice was much less menacing when he explained, “Oh, that part’s easy: apparently McKinnon was quite the track star in high school. His specialty was 100m hurdles. So he got over that trash can like it was nothing.”

“Wait…" Jay paused, spoon halfway to his mouth. "That part’s true? The guy really leaped over a trash bin?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. I figured she was sugar-coating that detail. Or possibly confused about how it went down.”

Voight answered, “No, it really was a fluke thing. Atwater was on him in a second, but not until after her head smacked the ground. I’m sorry it happened, Jay, but I’m not going to play into your idea that it was due to negligence from anyone on my team. Including her.”

Jay bowed his head, taking a second to let Hank's words sink in. “And is this the part where I’m supposed to apologize?” he asked sullenly.

“That’s not why I called. Just wanted to check up on Upton and figure out how long she’ll be out.”

“Two days,” Jay said tersely, “minimum. Doctor said she could resume light activity then unless it exacerbates her symptoms.”

“All right then. I guess I’ll touch base with her in two days.”

“Copy that. I’ll tell her you called.”

“Oh, and Jay? Let her know the search gave us what we needed. We’ve got more than enough evidence to put him away for a long time. Adding assault to a police officer to his charges will be the cherry on top.”

Well, at least there was a silver lining. “Will do, Hank.”

He hated to wake her. He knew he had to, but she still looked so exhausted even in her sleep. She was curled tightly into a ball on top of the blanket; she hadn’t even managed to make it under the covers. Her breathing was deep, brow furrowed slightly to give away her pain while her subconscious was too occupied to mask it. He assumed her head and neck were sore, but he had also clocked a bruise forming on her hip when she changed clothes earlier. Normally, he would have been worried to see such an angry purple blossoming anywhere on her, but he took this particular mark as good news: at least some of the impact from the fall had been absorbed by another part of her body besides her skull.

Jay always knew this was going to happen. That someday he would get a call informing him that she’d been hurt on the job. That he would have to reckon with his feelings of guilt that he hadn’t been there to protect her; of anger toward whomever was supposed to have her back; and of fear that she had tempted fate one too many times.

He knew that call was possible, even likely, considering their line of work. He just hadn’t expected it to come so soon, not even a month after the two of them started working in separate units.

It didn’t exactly feel like they were starting off on the right foot.

“Hails,” he said softly from the foot of the bed. “It’s time to wake up.”

A soft, agitated groan escaped her from low in her belly. “Ugh. Go away.”

And there was the irritability the doctor warned them about.

“Can’t do that. Unless you want me to call an ambulance.”

She peered at him through narrowed eyelids. “You’re evil.”

“How about you open your eyes all the way so I can be sure your pupils aren’t blown, and then you can go back to sleep?”

She moaned again as she flopped over onto her back, giving him an excellent view of her stunning blue eyes, pupils as small and similar as they should be. “Hailey Anne Upton,” she recited. “It’s Wednesday, November 15. I’m in our apartment in Chicago. The president is-”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jay conceded with a chuckle. “So you’re oriented. Do you know who I am?”

She was quick with her reply. “I thought you were my husband, but you’re not nearly as handsome as he is.”

“I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment.”

“It’s an insult to the version of you that woke me up,” she explained.

“I guess that’s fair. I’ll leave you to it, then. Are you hungry at all? I’m sure an empty stomach doesn’t help the nausea.”

She thought for a minute. “I could go for some cheese toast?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Both?”

“Is that asking or telling?”

“Jay…” she whined, stretching out the vowel in his name, “you’re supposed to be letting my brain rest. These questions are too hard.”

“All right.” He gently patted her leg before moving to return to the kitchen. “If I bring it to you in bed, will I revert back to the handsome version of myself?”

She gave his query some consideration before she said, “Let me see how it tastes first. And if it settles.”

“Okay, then,” he muttered, mostly to himself. “There’s a lot riding on this cheese toast.”

It was probably the concussion. Or maybe just the inconsistent sleep, being awoken every couple hours and confirming to Jay that her condition wasn’t deteriorating. But Hailey slept fitfully, the little patches she was able to grab plagued by vivid and outrageous dreams. 

She was on a stakeout with Garrett, Vanessa, and her brother Tyler, three people in her life who had never interacted. Then the scene shifted, and she was running around campus, frantically looking for the location of a class she had never taken. Then she was right back in the emergency room at Chicago Med, but she didn’t know why. Her mom was with her in the waiting room, then Jay, then Adam. The doctor came out, but refused to speak to them if her mom was present.

The dreams were so stressful that she was glad each time she heard Jay’s alarm go off, bringing her back to the surface and reality. Because for once in her life, she had no trouble drifting back off to sleep, no matter how many times his annoying alarm disrupted her rest. At last, the first hints of sunrise peeked through their windows, and Jay forced himself out of bed and into the shower. She felt bad, that he had to go into work after a night that wasn’t exactly restful for him, either. But then, she would also feel bad if he chose to stay home on her account.

“Sure you’ll be okay?” he asked, flitting about the room to get everything he needed for the day.

“Mm-hmm,” she answered. “I think the dizziness is better, but I’m still not planning to do much today, anyway. But I’ll be sure to take a picture of my pupils and send it to you every few hours.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. They said to keep a close watch for 12-24 hours, and we’re in that zone now. Just check in every so often, yeah?”

“Will do.”

She fell back to sleep easily once he left and the apartment was quiet again. Her dreams were slightly less muddled this time, less specific and hazy in her memory once she truly woke two hours later. She couldn’t recall any of the finer details, but she knew her parents had floated in and out of her dreams again.

But even once she got up, moving stiffly through the apartment in search of sustenance, she couldn’t shake the feeling of concern that had arisen somewhere in the recesses of her mind while she slept. She didn’t know where it came from, but Hailey was pretty sure she knew what she could do to satiate it.

She didn’t want to. Still didn’t feel ready. But, she admitted to herself with a sigh, she wouldn’t be able to put the matter behind her until she fulfilled the task. Besides, it wasn’t like she had anything better to do with her day. So, once she fortified herself with a strong cup of coffee, gulping the first sip down so eagerly that she burned her tongue, Hailey gathered her courage and picked up her phone. She hadn’t looked at it since yesterday, and there were a good deal of notifications. She ignored all of those, going instead straight into her contacts and scrolling down. She hesitated, just for a moment with her thumb hovering over the word ‘Mom,’ before swallowing her anxiety and pressing the button.

Chapter Text

“Hailey?” her mom said by way of a greeting, as if she wasn’t sure if her daughter were actually on the other end of the line.

“Hi, Mom,” she answered.

“Is everything okay?”

Hailey sighed, then reclined carefully on the couch. She put the phone on speaker and rested it on her chest, allowing her to carry on this conversation from a more comfortable position. “Mostly. I’m doing well, but I had an incident at work yesterday, so I’m home resting today.”

“What kind of incident? Are you all right?” 

She should have known her mother wasn’t going to allow her to just brush over that detail. “It’s not too bad. Got knocked over when a suspect tried to get away. Just a mild concussion… How have you been?” She pinched her eyes shut once she asked, guarding herself against both the harsh morning light and whatever emotions were going to bombard her from her mom’s response.

“Things here are good,” Ioanna started, and Hailey relaxed a little as her mother’s tone grew more certain. “We’ve been working to get the house fixed up a bit; the dryer’s been acting up, and the basement door keeps trying to fall off its hinges. But I think we finally have things in order in time for the holidays.”

“That’s good,” Hailey said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. And when neither of them could think of anything suitable to fill the silence, she just went for it. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

“You have?”

“Yeah. I was thinking… Well, I was just wondering if you’ve ever gotten yourself checked out. By a doctor.”

The hesitation in her mom’s response before she spoke assured Hailey that she knew exactly what her daughter was asking her. But still, she insisted, “I’m fine, astéri. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“I know. It’s just that…” Hailey pressed her hands over her eyes while she tried to figure out how to say what she wanted to say. She rubbed so hard that white spots appeared on the back of her eyelids. They reminded her of stars in the night sky. “I got a pretty good knock on the head yesterday. The doctor said the concussion is mild, but she was still concerned because she explained how multiple blows over time can add up to cause a lot of damage. And I guess I’ve had more than a couple of concussions over the years. And it just made me wonder if you’ve ever seen someone. Because you’ve had your share of knocks, too.”

Hailey couldn’t believe they were talking about this. For all her claims that she was done glossing over the ugly truth about her childhood, the actual process of saying the words out loud still felt taboo, the words grating and unpleasant as they rolled off her tongue. And if they tasted that sour to her, she could only assume that they were much more offensive to her mother on the receiving end. She wasn’t sure at all how her mom would respond - if she would respond - so it felt like a small victory when she heard, “Well, I really don’t think that’s necessary. But I will think about it. And now you have me concerned about you. It sounds like your doctor is worried it might not be just a minor concussion.”

Well, that backfired on her. “This one is. I guess it’s just possible that the damage compounds over time. But my symptoms have improved since yesterday, so hopefully I’ll be on the mend soon.”

“Mm-hmm.” Her mom did not sound convinced. “And what about the… other aspects of your health? How are you doing there?”

“Good,” Hailey was quick to assure her, having to stifle a laugh at her inability to utter the words ‘mental health.’ “Still making progress, I guess. Some days are better than others, but that’s normal. It’s been a bit of a challenge, now that Jay and I are both back to working full time. Lots of reminders of how easy it is to let other things slide in and take priority. So I’m having to kind of unlearn some habits. It’s a process, for sure.”

“So how does that work? You have a new partner now?”

Hailey pursed her lips. “Not really. I think my boss decided to do away with set partners once he realized that we were all pairing up and/or marrying each other. And it’s such a small group of us left, and we all know each other pretty well. So who I’m paired up with just depends on the day.”

“That’s probably quite an adjustment, after having Jay by your side for so long.”

“It was,” Hailey agreed, turning on her side to take some pressure off of her sore hip, “but I’ve had plenty of time to get used to it by now. What’s weird is having to come home after and talk to him about it. It’s crazy how we had gotten so used to spending all our time together, it’s like we never really learned how to communicate because we didn’t have to before.”

That actually drew a chuckle out of her mother. “I guess it’s probably good that you’re getting the practice, then.”

“Yeah,” she answered, before another lull overtook the conversation. Hailey drummed her fingers against the couch cushion, searching for a segue into another topic when Ioanna did it for her.

“So, am I ever going to hear the whole story about that? I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you just up and got married when you told me that he left. And now he’s back, and I’m just not sure what to think, Hailey.”

“There’s not much to tell, Mamá. I guess the simplest explanation is that both of us might have a tendency to rush into things. I know the wedding was sudden, but really he and I had been building up to it for a long time. Our entire timeline has been unconventional, but… we’re making it work.”

The sigh from the other end of the line was so profound that Hailey practically felt it. “I’m just not sure how I feel about that, Hailey. I want to be happy for you, but how can you trust a man who left you and let you get to such a dark place?”

“Okay, first of all, my mental health is not his responsibility. That was on me. And true, maybe if he were around to witness it, we would have been able to act on it sooner, but that doesn’t mean it was his fault. And he put in his notice and was on a plane within hours when he did finally hear how bad I was doing.” Hailey huffed as she turned over the other way, struggling to find a comfortable position on the sofa. “And secondly… he didn’t leave me. Not like that. It wasn’t about getting away from me. He was doing what he thought he had to. It was misguided, and we both agree in hindsight that it was not the right call. But we’re learning from that experience. Both of us. I… I was bitter about it for a long time. I felt abandoned, even though that wasn’t his intent. But we’re working through it. Instead of viewing it as the thing that drove us apart, we’re working really hard to look at it as the point where we both realized we need to do better. And we have. It’s easy for me to trust him when I see how committed he is to righting the past. And I really don’t think it’s fair for you to judge Jay for a mistake you don’t even understand when you gave Dad a free pass for decades for all the crap he gave us.”

“Hailey…” the warning in her voice was palpable.

“What? Which part of that are you going to deny? How many times would he apologize for hurting you only to turn around and do it again the next weekend? Jay may not be perfect, but at least his apologies come with an attempt to change his behavior. At least I know that I’m safe with him.”

Hailey really hadn’t intended for the conversation to take this turn. She wasn’t sure if she could blame the concussion for her lowered inhibitions, or if hearing someone criticize her husband immediately caused her to show her claws. Either way, she could tell that the phone call was getting away from her, and the pounding in her temples told her that she should probably wrap it up. Her conscience could rest now that she had shared her concerns with her mom. What her mother chose to do with it now was up to her.

“I’m glad,” Ioanna said quietly, bringing Hailey back to the present. “You deserve someone that makes you feel safe.”

“Thank you,” Hailey answered reflexively. Then she added, “You do, too, you know.”

“Yes, well, anyway… Do you and Jay have plans for Thanksgiving?”

Thank heavens for abrupt changes in topic. “We’re both scheduled to work, assuming I’m healed up by then. And I agreed to some OT on Friday and Saturday to help with the Black Friday madness. We should both have Sunday off, though, as long as there’s no major breaks in our cases.”

“All right, well, if any of that changes, we’ll be having dinner at Orion and Sophia’s. You’re welcome to join. I’m sure the rest of the family would appreciate the chance to meet your husband, too.”

Hailey snorted. “Until they find out he’s not Greek.”

“Please, Hailey. It’s the 21st century. No one pays any mind to that anymore. I mean, you’ve seen the people that Alexandra’s kids bring to family events.”

“Yeah, and Yiayia almost had a stroke that time Christopher showed up with a girl with a nose ring. They’re not exactly a progressive bunch.”

“Well,” her mother scoffed, “your cousin should have known better than to spring that on your grandmother on Easter. He could have at least given her warning. Anyway. Come Thursday if you can.”

Hailey pushed herself to a sitting position, emitting a small groan as she acclimated to being vertical again. “I really don’t think that will work, Mom. But thanks for asking.” She filled up a glass of water at the kitchen sink and then stumbled back towards her bed.

“All right. But at least tell me you have some sort of plans. A potluck at the police station?”

That gave her a good laugh. “No, no potlucks. That’s not really something we do. In fact, I think I would be reluctant to eat anything made by most of the cops I know.”

“Good point. Well, how about if I make a couple plates for you and bring them by?”

Hailey eased herself down onto her bed and threw the covers haphazardly over herself. “You don’t have to do that, Mom.”

“I know I don’t have to, but it’s Thanksgiving. It’s bad luck if you don’t eat some turkey and mashed potatoes.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“Sure it is. Look, Hailey, I understand if you don’t want to be around us right now. But holiday traditions are important. Even if it’s not a holiday that is particularly important to you and Jay, I think it’s worth setting aside a little time to acknowledge it. If the two of you get in the habit of working through holidays, you might never get the opportunity to start your own traditions. I’m not asking you to change your plans; I’m just asking for the opportunity to see my daughter on Thanksgiving. To make sure she gets a little bit of holiday cheer even if she has to spend all day with criminals.”

Her mother could certainly lay it on thick when she wanted to. “I’ll think about it,” Hailey finally conceded. 

“That’s all I ask.”

“All right, you ready for this?” Jay asked his wife the next evening.

She bit her lip before she answered. “Not really at all, especially because you look a little too excited to help, but I have to do something with my hair before I go back to work.”

They were in their bathroom, a newly-purchased bottle of baby shampoo and a stack of towels on the sink. Hailey had dutifully avoided washing her hair for the first 48 hours after her injury, and, not to put too fine a point on it, it showed. She claimed that she had woken up feeling much better today, so the plan was for her to report back to the district tomorrow. Jay had a few concerns about that, but her main worry was getting her thatch of hair under control.

“Okay,” he said, “and remind me again why we can’t just do this in the shower? You’re short enough that I can still help you with it.”

“I am not short, I’m average,” she protested. “And I don't want to do it in the shower because I’m afraid the water pressure will be too high. It’s really delicate up there still, so we have to be very gentle. You have to be gentle.”

Jay set the desk chair they had pulled from their bedroom in front of the sink. “Of course, Hails. Gentle is my middle name. Have a seat.”

He rolled up one of the towels and placed it on the edge of the counter, helping her to prop it under her neck as she situated her head over the sink. “Is that comfortable?”

“Close enough.”

Jay made sure the water temperature wasn’t too hot, then he slowly began working it through her hair, strand by strand. “Call me crazy, but I still say if you’re not healed enough to take a real shower, then you’re probably not healed enough to go back to work.”

“That’s not how it works, Jay.” She closed her eyes as she explained her side. “The internal injury is fine; it’s just that I can’t exactly slap a bandaid on my scalp to protect it. It’s basically just a glorified paper cut. You wouldn’t stay home because of a paper cut, but you probably wouldn’t jump at the chance to run it under scalding hot water, either.”

Jay grinned at her rationalization. “I don’t know, maybe. Paper cuts can be pretty painful.” He picked up the bottle of ultra-sensitive shampoo and squeezed out a generous portion. “Okay, I’m going to be as gentle as I can, but tell me if I need to stop.”

Hailey nodded, and he got to work spreading the lather throughout her hair. They were both silent as he focused on the task, methodically untangling each section as he worked his way toward her scalp, and then oh-so-tenderly massaging the suds into her skin. It was easy enough until he got to the affected area on the side of her head. The surface was still angry and red, and he couldn’t tell if the brown flakes clinging to the individual hair follicles were days’ old dried blood, or just a scab trying to form. It didn’t matter, he reminded himself. His job was to get rid of them, whatever their origin. Jay was so caught up in his effort to meticulously wash all the impurities away that he didn’t notice Hailey had opened her eyes again. She was studying him intently. “What?” he asked, once he realized she was just as focused on him as he was on her scalp.

“Why are you so quiet?”

“I’m just concentrating,” he said.

She closed her eyes again. “You sure? Because you can tell me if something is bothering you.”

Jay turned the faucet back on, running his fingers under the flow to ensure it was the right temperature. “Even if the thing that’s bothering me is something you want to do?” He began carefully cupping the water and bringing it to the crown of Hailey’s head.

“Especially then,” she answered after a beat. “You should tell me if that bothers you. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to do it.”

He let out a derisive snort. “So I should open up to you about all my fears and concerns just to have you ignore them? I don’t think so.”

“Jay… that’s not what I meant, and I think you know that. Why don’t you tell me why you don’t want me going back to work yet, and then we can find a solution together.”

“Unless the solution is you not going, then it’s probably not going to help me much.” Jay shrugged, being mindful not to let his frustration make its way into his fingers while he continued rinsing her hair. “And you just said that wasn’t going to happen, so… not sure what else to say.”

She was quiet for a moment, and when she did finally mutter, “That’s not fair, Jay,” it was in nearly a whisper. 

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t really feel fair that you’re so willing to dismiss my concerns.”

“What concerns?” she asked in a louder, more frustrated voice. “That’s what I’m trying to get out of you! I don’t know how to make you feel better if you won’t even tell me what you’re afraid of. But you’re just treating it like an all-or-nothing decision. Like if I don’t blindly submit to what you want without any explanation or discussion, I’m being ignorant, or, or… inconsiderate. I’m trying to meet you halfway, but it feels like you’re not willing to do that.”

“Lean up,” he muttered, lightly tapping the back of her head with his index finger. Jay took his time ensuring that portion of her hair was clear of soap bubbles before guiding her back so her neck was resting on the towel once more. “I don’t know, Hailey. I just… it’s hard. I knew that there would come a day where something would happen on the job, and I would have to grapple with not being there with you. And I know Voight said it wasn’t really anyone’s fault, but still, I’m not eager to send you back into that when you still quite literally have a soft spot on your head.”

“When did you talk to Voight?”

“That first night, when you were zonked out after we got home.”

He had to pause his ministrations while Hailey shifted uncomfortably beside him. “You didn’t trust my version of events?”

“I didn’t say that, Hailey.” Jay took one last look through her hair to ensure all remnants of shampoo were gone. “He called me to check up on you. But I figured it wouldn’t hurt to hear his interpretation of how things went down. I mean, you did have a head injury. Your recollection may not have been accurate.” He grabbed another towel and started to wring her hair through it.

As soon as it became clear that he was done, however, Hailey sat up and took over the job herself, splashing a good deal of water around in the process.

“Hailey, you would have done the same thing,” he stated.

She stood from the chair, flipping her head over and forming the towel into one of those turbans that all women seemed to know instinctively how to make. “No, I wouldn’t have. Because I barely know your sergeant’s name, let alone how to get a hold of him. Don’t act like our situations are the same.”

“Hailey, he called me. And besides, it’s just Voight.” 

“I know.” She stood straight again and looked him square in the eye. “And the two of you sneaking around and doing things without my knowledge is how everything started going wrong in the first place.”

Jay sighed, unable to fault her for making that connection. He closed the gap between them and rested his hands on her shoulders. “Okay, but Hailey, this time, the only thing he and I have in common, the only thing we would need to talk about, is you.”

She didn’t bother trying to hide the sadness in her eyes when she replied, “Yeah. I know. Thank you for helping me with my hair.” Then she wriggled out of his grasp and began to clean up the mess at the sink.

When Hailey arrived at the district the next morning, there was someone sitting at Jay’s desk. Or rather, there was someone sitting at the empty desk that she had never stopped thinking of as Jay’s. And seeing someone, anyone, in the spot that had been empty for so long, caused her brain to glitch in a way that she didn’t really need on a morning like this.

She knew there were at least two sets of eyes monitoring her, one at home and one at the district. It wasn’t a secret, and she couldn’t allow herself to be upset by it. But something about the idea that they were communicating to each other about her did bother her. The doctor had given them clear directions that she could return to work today; Hailey didn’t appreciate the fact that she had to prove it to Jay, as well.

She understood his concerns. She really, truly did. But she also knew that fear wasn’t enough to keep her from her work. There were no guarantees in the career they had chosen, and all they could do was to trust each other that they would make wise decisions, doing everything in their power to return home to each other every night. 

Maybe that trust wasn’t as strong as she thought.

It sure didn’t feel that way last night. It felt like he didn’t even trust her enough to talk about it. She had pushed him a little, but she could only go so far if he wasn’t a willing participant. So she had let it go, finishing up the evening’s tasks in quiet contemplation. And he seemed just as content to let the night pass in silence, only speaking up to admonish her when her hand kept sneaking its way up to scratch at the scab forming on her head.

Their morning had been just as tense; he was up and nearly out the door by the time she went out to get her coffee, claiming he wanted to squeeze in a workout before his shift. He had left some eggs for her in a pan on the stove, but they weren’t hot anymore, and the thought of warming them up just to scarf them down alone made her want to cry. She tried anyway, but only got down a couple bites before tossing the rest into the garbage. And then traffic had been a nightmare on her way in, the sun and the sound of the city streets so much more offensive than usual, and just when she thought she was safe in the familiarity of the bullpen, she was confronted by this newcomer, who looked far too comfortable in a space that wasn’t his to be in.

“You must be Upton,” he said, reaching across the desk to shake her hand. “Nice to meet you. Mike Castiglione.”

“You, too, Casti- I’m sorry, how do you say it?”

The new guy chuckled. “You can call me Cass. The guys at the 26th did. I know, it’s a mouthful.”

“Right. Cass. Nice to meet you, too. We’ve been running pretty thin here for a while, so I’m sure we can use your help.”

She didn’t get much further into getting to know the new guy before Voight called her into his office. “You got a doctor’s note for me?”

“Seriously?” She dipped her chin and regarded him with an indignant glare. “You don’t trust my word? I would have been here yesterday if I was disregarding doctors’ orders.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Trust, but verify.”

Hailey returned to her desk, digging through her bag to find the form on the back of her discharge papers. She placed it none too gently on Voight’s desk. “You and Jay have to stop egging each other on. I’m fine.” Then she left his office without another word and got comfy at her desk, well aware that she was going to be camping out there for at least the next few days.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. And it didn’t really have anything to do with her safety, because he knew Voight was going to have her on super light duty today. It was a lot more than that. Jay didn’t like how they had left things. Didn’t care for the way her face fell, ever so slightly, when he left the apartment shortly after she woke up. Felt uneasy about the fact that she didn’t protest. Downright hated that it was nearing three in the afternoon, and he hadn’t heard from her all day. 

Not even a text message.

Lucky for him, none of their open cases in Narcotics were overly complicated. They so rarely were, in this unit. Everything in the drug world boiled down to one of three things: money, sex, or power. It seemed like there were only so many ways this story could be told, so investigating these crimes was a bit more methodical than how things had been in Intelligence or Major Crimes. So he could afford to do his job a little distracted. Two-thirds of his mind on his work, one-third on Hailey.

He was listening in on an interrogation, hoping to gain some information about a new crew that was making a name for themselves in Beverly. But this kid was either a vault or not involved at all, because he was giving them nothing. Jay pulled out his phone, but there were no new notifications. He weighed his options for just a second, before biting the bullet and sending her a message instead.

I hope you’re having a good day.

It was dumb. Overly simplistic and incredibly vague. But he didn’t know what else to say to her right now. And it was the truth. Their definitions of what constituted a good day might differ, so all he could do was to offer his hopes that the day ended up how she wanted it to. His preferences had long since been removed from the equation.

Their interrogation ran long, and it was later than normal that he inserted his key into the lock, relishing in the familiar squeak of the door as it bade him entry and then slammed shut behind him.

It was quiet. He could hear the faint whir of the shower, so at least he had a pretty good idea where Hailey was. A loaf of bread and bag of chips were still out on the counter, evidence of a quick turkey sandwich for dinner, a habit Jay didn’t love that was becoming more and more common for them. Eating any dinner was better than not eating, he rationalized as he swiftly assembled a sandwich of his own. But it discouraged him to see how easily they were falling right back into their old habits. Families were supposed to have meals together. Not haplessly throw together whatever food they could find whenever they could squeeze it into their schedule. He did crack a smile when he grabbed a handful of chips to supplement his main course: she had selected Sour Cream and Onion this week. It was such a small gesture, getting his preferred flavor instead of her beloved Barbecue. Such a damn small thing, but it nearly knocked the breath out of him.

He took his plate to the sofa, gobbling down his dinner probably faster than was safe. But he was hungry, and he heard her moving around in the bedroom. Jay didn’t think she was avoiding him, but he was ready to find out for sure. “Thanks for the chips,” he called into the other room.

“What?” She appeared in the bedroom doorway, hair piled on top of her head in the messiest of buns. Jay knew it was in an effort to keep it dry while she showered the rest of her body, but he really liked it that way. Maybe he would tell her that sometime.

“I said, ‘thanks for the chips.’ They really hit the spot tonight.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.” She walked over towards him and dropped to the couch herself, rubbing absentmindedly at her forearm. “I figured it was time for a little variety.”

“Mm-hmm,” he agreed, aware that she had left two feet of space between them. “Everything go okay today?”

She glanced at him for the briefest moment before turning her eyes out the window. “Don’t you think you would have heard if it didn’t?”

“No, actually, I’m not sure that I would. I didn’t hear from you all day.”

“I was busy, Jay. I was catching up from two and a half days of being away, so I didn’t have an overabundance of free time to chat.”

He heaved a sigh, pushing himself to a standing position and taking his empty plate to the sink. “Okay, fine. Sorry I asked. I didn’t realize asking you about your day would make you so angry.”

“I’m not mad, Jay,” she answered.

“You are mad. You’re snapping at me, when all I’m doing is checking in with you.”

She stared at him over the back of the couch. “It’s not just that…”

“Okay…” he shrugged. “Then what is it, Hailey? Talk to me. Please, tell me exactly how I’m supposed to be acting right now, because I feel like I can’t win. I tell you I’m worried about you going back to work so soon, you don’t want to hear it. I try to act like I’m okay with it, and you jump down my throat for asking a simple question.” He could feel his frustration growing inside of him, but now that he had started, Jay knew the pressure was only going to build until he let it out. “I am trying, Hailey. I have been trying so damn hard to be the right kind of support system for you in these last few months, but I don’t know where I fit in anymore. It’s okay for me to drop everything to be with you when you’re having a mental health crisis, but I have to back off with any physical injury?”

“Jay!”

“No, I’m serious, Hailey.” He dropped his plate into the sink with a flourish. “Tell me where the line is. Tell me the correct amount of worried for me to be. Because I’m done trying to figure it out on my own if you’re going to be upset no matter what I do. So just tell me what you want!”

But Hailey wasn’t there anymore. Well, she was, physically. But where her eyes had been bright with rage at him only seconds before, they were now glassing over as she turned away from him and sank back into the couch, growing smaller and less visible with every passing second.

And just as rapidly as her switch had flipped, so too did his, because the oppressive silence was broken up only by the sound of her sniffling from the other side of the room. And a crying Hailey he could deal with, as much as he hated the idea of being the cause of it, as long as the tears led them somewhere useful. But she wasn’t just crying - the hitch in her breath was coming way too frequently - and that meant something else entirely. Jay hadn’t just hurt her feelings; he had triggered something inside of her.

“Hey, Hailey, I’m sorry,” he pleaded as he returned to the couch. “I’m so sorry, Hails. I didn’t mean to yell. It’s okay, you’re safe.” He planted himself beside her, uncertain if his presence would be welcome under the current circumstance. He quickly ran through the events in his head, trying to see if he could find what exactly had set her off. His voice was louder than normal, he was sure, but he wasn’t much of an outright yeller anyway. And he had always been careful about matching her tone and keeping his volume from escalating when he and Hailey were having difficult conversations. But that wasn’t it. His quick runthrough of the argument pointed out the culprit loud and clear: the plate.

He hadn’t intended to make any sort of statement with the way he returned the dishware to the sink, but he knew the force had been more than necessary. The echoing against the other dishes combined with the tenor of the conversation would have been enough to make anyone flinch. So he couldn’t be surprised that Hailey’s response was to shut down. And now he had to figure out a way to help her through it without upsetting her any further. Anxiety attacks were one thing; talking her down when he was the one who caused it may be more of a challenge.

“Can you hear me, Hails?” he all but whispered, scooting a little closer to her.

Her eyes were screwed shut, tears poking out every few seconds, but she nodded.

“Okay, good. That’s good, Hailey.” Jay felt as though he were convincing himself as much as her. “You’re safe. I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to be so loud. I wasn’t yelling at you, I was just… exclaiming passionately.”

His pathetic attempt at justifying his behavior drew a small laugh from among her tears. And that was a good sign: he hadn’t lost her completely. 

He apologized again, lest she think he was trying to deny fault. “I’m really sorry. Here, can you hold my hand?”

She nodded again, holding out her hand for him to take. He gave it three good squeezes, doing his best to keep her tethered to the here and now, and not wherever it was her mind took her in moments like these. They sat that way for a while, Jay reassuring her every so often that she was safe. Eventually, her muscles began to relax, and she opened her eyes with a massive sniffle. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” he assured her. “I’m pretty sure that one was my fault. Or maybe we can blame it on the concussion still?” He held his arm out to her, relieved that she didn’t hesitate to lean into him.

She mumbled into his shirt, “I know I’m not being fair to you, Jay. I’m sorry. I don’t blame you for ‘not yelling’ at me.”

“Maybe that’s enough for tonight, though?” He leaned back a little, trying to get a decent glimpse of her face as he spoke. “Something tells me you had a longer day than I did, and I think some sleep will do us both some good. We can come back to it tomorrow, maybe with a little less, uh, passion.”

Her face gave away nothing, but Jay figured that was as good as he was going to get right now. He quickly straightened up the kitchen and locked up while Hailey headed into the bedroom. Much like the night before, she was already under the covers when he met her in there. But tonight, she was far too exhausted for him to be offended by it.

“This has been brewing since last night, hasn’t it?” he asked. “The fidgeting, and, you know… scratching. You were building up to an anxiety attack.”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Maybe. I didn’t really notice.”

“I did. I should have known better.” Jay climbed into bed beside her, still careful to give her space as she came down. “I’m sorry for brushing you off last night. I wasn’t ready to talk yet, but I guess I should have told you that.”

“I thought we were going to pick this up tomorrow?”

“Right. Sorry.” He reached over and turned off the light, plunging them into darkness. “Hailey?” he asked, wanting to say one more thing before she drifted off.

“Yeah?”

“I’m never going to apologize for wanting you to be safe. But, if it just so happens that I act like a dick in my efforts to convey that… well, I guess I can apologize for that. So I am sorry.”

“Jay?” she said.

“Yes?”

“He replaced you,” she said after a moment of hesitation.

“What?”

“Voight,” she explained. “He finally hired a new detective. So your desk… it’s not your desk anymore. And all of these changes from last year… they feel a lot more final, now.”

He felt her fingers inching towards his beneath the blanket, and he eagerly met them with his own. Three more squeezes, and then, “I’m not going anywhere, Hailey.”

“You keep saying that.”

“I do… Do you believe it?”

It took her enough time to answer that Jay wasn’t sure she was going to. “I think so,” she eventually admitted.

He could see her outline clearly now that his eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness. Jay leaned over to her and dropped a kiss on her forehead. “We can talk about that tomorrow, too. Go to sleep, Hailey Anne. We have the rest of our lives to figure out everything else.”

And it didn’t take long after that for Hailey to fall asleep, so Jay hoped that meant that she believed him. That she trusted what he said.

Chapter Text

As much as she hated to admit it, Hailey really liked Cass. Just the idea of finally having another detective in the unit besides her made her feel like her load was a little lighter already. On top of that, she thought the whole team would benefit from the presence of an older, more experienced cop who wasn’t Voight. Ever since Antonio left, the ratio of officers who had come up under Voight versus those who had cut their teeth in other units had grown increasingly lopsided. Hailey liked to think that she was strong enough to stand her ground, that she wouldn’t have stayed in Intelligence if she didn’t mesh with their philosophy. But she had been here long enough to recognize that she had begun drifting into their way of doing things, not the other way around. So having another cop in the squad who was still unaffected, clear and free of any disproportionate influences their sergeant might have over them, could only be a good thing.

Plus, he just seemed like a good guy. Doing weekend duty with an unfamiliar colleague the week before a holiday could have made for an awkward situation. But he was cordial and casual, with enough proficiency in the work to convince Hailey that he was definitely good at his job and would be an asset to the unit. And, when Adam made a dumb joke before he clocked out for the weekend warning him to be careful because she had fallen in love with the last guy who sat at that desk, Cass just chuckled and held up his left hand, sporting a weathered gold wedding band. “Sorry,” he said, “happily married.”

Hailey rammed her chair into Adam before he could scamper out the way, then showed her own black ring to her new coworker. “No worries. Me, too.”

The work today included a lot of pretrial prep for a case from June that had somehow managed to make it all the way to trial. So Hailey took the lead on that, searching for the necessary documents while Cass organized them in the way the ASA requested. It was dull and monotonous for a day at the district, but Hailey could think of a lot of worse ways to spend some hours on the clock. And before she knew it, the sky outside was growing dim, another blustery Chicago day coming to a close, and that meant that she had to go home.

It wasn’t that she was nervous. It’s just that it had been nice to step away for a while, putting all her confusion and irritation about their fight last night on hold. But now they had both had plenty of time to think about it, to organize their thoughts and approach the issue in a calmer manner, hopefully. So she couldn’t rely on her emotions to carry her through. And who knew what Jay would have to say to her now that they had opened that can of worms?

Hailey wanted to tell him. He deserved to know, and she wanted him to understand. The problem was actually getting the words out. Because she knew how she felt, but she struggled to find a cohesive way to communicate that to her husband.

And he could tell. The moment she stepped through the front door, Hailey was aware that he was being extra cautious with her, just like he had been the night before and the few minutes they had together this morning. She hated it. She hated the idea that he felt like he needed to be careful with her. She hated to acknowledge that it might be true.

They followed the same pattern as they ate a quick dinner and teamed up to return the kitchen to a functional state. He was quiet, but so was she, so it wasn’t like she had any room to complain. They found themselves settled on the couch, both knowing that the conversation needed to happen but neither knowing exactly how to get there. At last, Jay put her out of her misery by taking charge of the situation. “Relax, Hailey,” he said, resting his hand on her thigh. “Take a deep breath, okay? It’s just me. Just us.”

“I know,” she said. “It’s not that I’m anxious. I want you to know how I’m feeling; I just don’t really know how to explain it. I wish I could just insert a USB drive into my head and download it all so I could transfer it to you.”

“That’s… weird. You want to try putting our foreheads together, see if we can communicate telepathically?”

His gentle teasing drew a laugh out of her, the forceful exhale enough to relax her shoulders. “No, you idiot. I’m going to get it out. I just don’t really know where to start.”

“Last night, you said something about it being more than just my worrying about you that got under your skin. Maybe start there? And I promise I won’t throw any dishes tonight, so I think it’ll be a lot easier to stay on track.”

“Right,” Hailey nodded. “Okay, but, can you do something else for me? Can you promise not to interject until I’m done? Because I want to be able to get it all out, but sometimes that’s hard when you’re adding commentary or making that face or telling me how I’m misinterpreting everything.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “What face?”

“You know. You have a face.”

“I have lots of faces, but I don’t know which one you’re talking about.”

“Your sympathetic face. Where your eyes get all sad and sometimes you clench your jaw because you just can’t wait to jump in and say something to make me feel better. I’m not telling you this because I want you to make me feel better; I just want you to listen.”

Jay acquiesced then, bowing his head slightly and nodding. “Okay. I’ll just listen. But am I going to have an opportunity for rebuttal at some point? Because it’s not a real conversation if you’re the only one talking.”

“Maybe,” she agreed, “but after. Okay?” Then she sat up a little straighter, crossed her legs beneath her as she faced him on the sofa, and nervously ran her hands up and down her thighs. “Okay. So. I was upset last night, and part of it was because I hate the way it feels when people are worried about me. But I think it goes deeper than that. I know, logically, that it’s a way that you show that you care for me, when you worry. I know that because I feel the same way about you, about everyone that I love. But there’s a part of me that gets so… offended, for lack of a better word, when I’m the subject of someone’s concern.”

She kept her eyes on her restless fingers as she went on, “I think there’s a good chance that it stems from my childhood. You know, the dynamic gets so messed up when physical pain is just an accepted part of life. It was about power. Control. Admitting I was hurt meant admitting I was powerless. So it was like the only way I could assert myself to my dad was by acting like none of it touched me. Even though we both knew that wasn’t the case. But I guess, at some point, it felt like the only thing I had was my pride, so I would just suck it up and tough it out until the pain faded. And I guess that’s not an easy habit to shake, even though I understand that your motive is completely different than his was.”

Hailey braced herself, knowing that she needed to continue. “But, here’s the thing that’s been bothering me: I don’t really know if any of that is true. I’ve been this way for so long, you know? I’ve always wanted people to see me as independent, tough, assertive. But now, I’m wondering if maybe I’ve just been overcompensating my whole life, and the exact opposite is true.”

She could see the wheels in Jay’s head turning, but she held up her hand before any of his thoughts made their way past his lips. “No, just listen. When I was in the emergency room, I had a lot of time to think. And I couldn’t stop thinking about all the other times I’ve gotten hurt on the job. It’s not a short list, you know, and every single time, someone had to drag me into the hospital to be checked out. This past time… well, that was the only time I was there by myself. And, Jay, I was scared.”

Her voice cracked on the last word, and she took a minute to compose herself, rubbing the back of her hand across her forehead. “I hate saying that out loud. But I was. And I don’t even know why. It wasn’t the hospital, or even the injury, I don’t think. I was just terrified of being alone. And it made me think of all the times that you sat with me in the hospital. Or Garrett. Or even Voight, for Pete’s sake. And I realized that I’m not independent at all. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life forming emotional attachment with any man that makes me feel even remotely safe. Hell, I think that’s the reason Sean O’Neal was able to get to me so easily. He could tell how lost I was without you, and I was just searching for the next stable person to attach myself to. And once I realized that… well, let’s just say it’s quite a rabbit hole. It made me wonder if I’m manipulating you.” She kept going without a pause to prevent him from interrupting. “I couldn’t tolerate being away from you so I did something drastic to get your attention. That’s a classic definition of manipulation, right? Maybe I wasn’t really suicidal. Maybe I just knew that was the quickest way to get you home. Maybe this whole thing has just been an act, because I know you wouldn’t turn away from a damsel in distress. Maybe my recovery has been so damn slow because I subconsciously like having you worry about me. That would explain why I landed myself in the emergency room as soon as things started getting back to normal.”

Her palms were clammy, but she forced herself to get the rest out. “And it’s kind of impossible to think about that without wondering how far back it goes. I’ve always had a man in my life who impacts everything I touch, and the few times I haven’t, that’s when I was really floundering. From my dad, to my brothers, to college boyfriends, to overpowering bosses, to partners. To my husband. To you. I like to think, to present myself, as a strong independent woman, but evidence just doesn’t support that. And I really don’t like that about myself. And I think that may be why I bristle so strongly when your concern starts to feel a little oppressive.”

Well, it hadn’t exactly been eloquent, but Hailey felt as though she sufficiently conveyed her confusing thoughts to her husband. She took a moment to scan her brain for any straggling thoughts, but when she found none, she brought her eyes from her fidgeting hands up to analyze her husband’s face.

But his expression didn’t give away much. Maybe she should have taken him up on his offer to attempt telepathy. But at any rate, at least he didn’t look upset. “Am I allowed to ask a question?” he inquired.

She nodded.

Jay drummed his fingers against her knee while he gathered his thoughts. “Is that something you feel or something you think is true?”

“What’s the difference?” she shrugged.

“You know,” he replied. “Like, sometimes, if you’re tired and you’ve had a bad day, it might feel like everyone hates you. But once you get some sleep and can look at things objectively, you can see that the evidence doesn’t support that claim. Are you saying that based on emotions or on logic? Because I definitely have some thoughts on the matter that I would like to share whenever you’re ready for me to.”

“You disagree?”

“I do.”

Hailey nodded, turning her head to gaze out the window. “I figured you might. Which I guess means it’s more of a feeling I have than a belief, if I came into it knowing you would.”

“Soooo… am I allowed to talk yet or no?”

She sighed and leaned back into the arm of the sofa, eyes now fixed on the ceiling. “I guess that’s only fair.”

“Here, I’ll keep it brief: I don’t think you’re manipulating me. I don’t think you’re helpless or dependent; I think you’re figuring out how to rely on other people in a healthy manner, but you’ve been looking out for yourself for so long that it could easily feel that way. I think you deserve to be cared for and looked after, but it makes sense how that might set you on edge if it’s been held against you in the past. And I regret that I lost sight of that last night. I should have walked away when I felt myself getting angry.”

Hailey chewed her lip. “I wasn’t exactly making it easy on you.”

“No. You weren’t. But still. That was no excuse for me to raise my voice, or especially toss the dishes around. Arguments were loud in my house, growing up, and I guess that’s an area I need to work on. No matter how angry I am, I never want to trigger you like that, ever. Okay?”

She really hadn’t been planning on touching back on that particular topic. “It’s not like I’ve never been in a shouting match before. I don’t always have that reaction. And, again, I don’t think it’s fair for me to set that expectation on you. If that’s how you express anger, then that’s how you express anger. I can’t dictate that.”

He tapped on her calf, motioning for her to stretch her legs into his lap. “Look, I’m not a psychologist, and I wouldn’t want to presume I know what’s going on in your head. But I think a husband yelling at his wife is a pretty specific trigger of yours, one that I know you are sensitive to. Even if it doesn’t always send you into a panic attack, I would prefer to avoid any behavior that might remind you of your dad.”

“And you still don’t think that’s manipulative on my part?”

“Hailey Anne,” Jay started, slowly and deliberately, “it’s not manipulative to express your needs to another person. You’re allowed to take up space in this world. And every time I think about how your parents didn’t teach you to believe that, I kind of want to strangle someone.”

“Please don’t. Because I think even my top-notch manipulation skills wouldn’t be able to get you out of prison.”

“Hailey…”

“What?” she sat up a little to meet his eyes. “It was a joke. Don’t you think it was funny?”

He just ran his hand seamlessly up and down her shin in response.

She let her head collapse back onto the arm of the couch. “I’m sorry,” she murmured into the thick air of the living room. “Not for the joke, I stand by that. But just for… everything else. I’ll try to be better about explaining my feelings to you. At least until we get that telepathy thing down.”

“I’m sorry, too, Hails. We’ll do better next time. You know, Platt used to joke that we could read each other’s minds. Maybe we’re onto something.”

“Yeah?” she replied. “What am I thinking right now?”

Jay scratched his chin in thought. “You’re craving chocolate chip cookies.”

“Okay, it doesn’t count if it’s something that I’m always thinking. Go a little more specific.”

“Hm. You’re thinking about how unfair it is that pockets in women’s pants are so small?” he guessed.

Hailey burst out laughing. “Again, not wrong. But I was going for the fact that all of the actors from Friends are now older than some of the Golden Girls when that show premiered.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s not where I was leaning at all. And that’s insane. How did you know that?”

“Read it online somewhere. But don’t worry, I checked my sources,” she assured him.

Jay chuckled, then asked, “My turn?”

“Oh, I know this one,” she claimed. “You’re thinking about how confusing it is that twelve PM comes directly after eleven AM.”

“Ooh, good guess. That one does drive me bananas. I was actually trying to figure out how long it’s been since I had a haircut, and if I can wait until after Thanksgiving or if I should go ahead and get it out of the way.”

“Okay, maybe we’re not very good at this,” she conceded with a laugh.

He ran his hand up and down her leg again. “I think we just need more practice. But until then, I guess we will just have to keep talking to each other like mere mortals.”

“Yup,” she said, sitting up and swinging her legs back to the floor. “Good thing we’re still in couples therapy.”

“Where are you going? I thought we were going to cuddle?” he asked with exaggerated disappointment all over his face.

“Did you really think you could mention chocolate chip cookies without me needing some?” She shook her head. “It’s like you don’t know me at all, Jay Halstead. So, I’m going to go mix some up real quick. And unless you want a mini-disaster of a mess in there, I suggest you come with me.” 

He was up and two steps behind her without hesitation.

Jay sat in his truck, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the entrance of the community center.

He was here. That was the hard part, right? Why would he have driven here if he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go in?

He hadn’t woken up today planning to attend a support group. In fact, this was the only day he and Hailey both had off all week, so he had pictured them spending a lazy morning in bed, maybe running a few errands in the afternoon to prepare for their upcoming work week. But the seed he had planted in his mind last night about needing a haircut was sprouting with ferocity, and he knew he was going to be distracted by its length until he addressed the issue. And when she grabbed a book from her nightstand and curled up under a blanket as she finished her morning coffee, Jay knew she was going to be lost in another world for an hour or two. So he kissed the top of her head and made his exit, hoping that his barber wouldn’t be too busy this time of morning.

But instead of driving back to their apartment, the wheels of his truck took him to the community center where the veterans’ support group met. He had attended before, albeit very sporadically. Once, undercover as himself, which he felt didn’t count. And then again when he first came back to the States, when his whole world still felt terribly off-balance, and he couldn’t be sure how he was going to make it through. But once they had established a consistent routine in Hailey’s care, and couples’ counseling became a regular part of their life, he just couldn’t bring himself to see the value in the generic support group. Sure, he could probably relate to some of the issues the other vets were experiencing. But he doubted that his situation was a common one. It would be a lot more beneficial to put his efforts into the therapy that was specific to him and Hailey.

So, he had let that habit slide pretty easily. But he was here now. And he couldn’t vocalize what had spurred him to come here this morning. But he figured he probably shouldn’t ignore that intuition, whatever it was. So, after having the same internal debate multiple times, Jay undid his seat belt and went inside before he had a chance to second-guess his decision one more time.

It looked the same as he remembered it; a circle of chairs on one side of a well-worn basketball court, a table off to the side with lukewarm coffee and a few donuts. He bypassed the refreshments altogether and moved quickly to drop into the chair closest to the door. And he tried his best to listen as the group leader opened the session and made a few announcements, followed by some of the other guys sharing their experiences. But Jay knew he wasn’t here to listen, so once there was a short lull in the conversation, he cleared his throat, sat up a little straighter, and began speaking.

“My name’s Jay.” It felt weird to refer to himself by first name when he was surrounded by other military, but there was supposed to be some level of anonymity here. “I was in the Army, 3rd Battalion 75th Ranger regiment. Did two tours in Afghanistan back in the day, but I recently returned from an assignment in South America with the Army Reserve. And, uh, I don’t know. It was a struggle coming back each time. But I was a lot younger, and single, during my first two trips to the sandbox. This time, I’m not. And even though I feel like I have a much better handle on it after some practice, I’m starting to see how it’s affecting my wife, too. And… it’s tough.”

There were a few murmurs of affirmation and understanding, but no one else seemed led to speak, so Jay went on. “She’s got her own stuff going on. A lot of it has nothing to do with me, but some of it does. And she’s trying to show up for me while I’m doing the same for her, but the whole thing just feels like a mess sometimes. You know… you always hear about those guys who are just never the same after they come back. And I always swore that wasn’t going to be me. I wasn’t going to let my deployments ruin my life. And they didn’t. I mean, it’s not ruined. But, it still hangs over me, sometimes. But, the biggest issue with my wife and me right now is that somehow, I still feel drawn to that life. That even though I recognize how much damage my time in the service has done, sometimes that still feels easier - more clear cut - than trying to navigate civilian life. It’s caused a rift between us. And I want to fix it. But I don’t really know how.”

Much to his relief, the group leader started talking about how common it is to have difficulty adjusting after deployment, and a few of the other members piped in with their own experiences. But Jay was only half-listening. Again, he knew that what had driven him back into the arms of the military was more than just an affinity for the lifestyle. It had been an escape. A convenient excuse, one cloaked with honor and nobility, when really all he was doing was running away like a scared little boy. But that was a little deeper than he was comfortable going in this group setting, so he crossed his ankle over his knee and settled back in his chair to take in what the other guys were saying. Their circumstances may not be the same, but that didn’t mean they might not have some helpful nuggets for him to take home with him.

Even after the meeting, Jay wasn’t sure what had led him there today. But that gnawing in his stomach had lightened considerably, and he felt that it had been anything but a waste of time as he made his way home.

He found Hailey in their bedroom, a fresh load of laundry dumped carelessly across the bed while she folded. “Big holiday rush at the barber, huh?” she asked without looking up from her task.

“It wasn’t too bad,” he answered, setting his phone on the dresser and rounding the bed to start working on the pile from the opposite side. “I actually made another stop. Is this all of it?” he motioned to the clothes.

“There’s one more load in the dryer, plus the towels. Where’d you go?” she asked without missing a beat.

Jay carefully lined up the sleeves on a t-shirt and folded it neatly before he answered, “I decided to stop by that veterans’ support group. I hadn’t been in a while, and, I don’t know. Now seemed like a good time.”

Hailey looked at him across the bed, a question brewing in her eyes. “Any particular reason?”

He shrugged. “Just… I don’t know, Hails. I don’t want to get complacent, and I haven’t loved how things have been between us this week. Figured it couldn’t hurt to, you know… realign, a little.”

“Throw me that sock, will you?” She pointed to one of her thick wool socks that she liked to wear with her boots.

So he did what she asked, rolling into a ball and tossing it straight into her face.

“Hey!”

He gave her most innocent puppy-dog eyes. “What?”

She just shook her head in exasperation as she matched the sock to its mate and rolled them together. “So, do you feel better after going to the group? Bringing back some of your sass?”

“I guess. Just ready to start this week with a fresh slate, you know?”

“I do know,” she agreed, walking a stack of clothes over to the dresser. “Maybe we need to burn some sage just to be safe.” 

Jay just smiled at her while he finished up the last few items that were on his side of the bed. Once she had finished putting everything in its correct place in the dresser drawer, she moved to his side to gather the last of the laundry.

“Is there anything you need to talk about?” she asked timidly.

He sighed, focusing on lining the buttons up on one of her flannels as he put it on a hanger. “I don’t think so. It’s definitely not anything new. Just trying to make sure those demons don’t get out of control. And, you know, holidays are always hard, for a lot of reasons. Make me think about my mom. And her sweet potato casserole.”

“Do you have the recipe? That could be a nice way for us to have our own little celebration.”

“I mean, I think it’s the same one that every other midwestern mom makes. Hers just always tasted better, though. Even my grandma said so.”

Hailey sat on the bed, twisting her fingers together while he hung up the rest of her shirts. “Let’s do it,” she urged. “The grocery stores shouldn’t be sold out yet, right? Let’s google it and then run out to get the ingredients.”

“I thought your mom was going to bring us leftovers.”

She grimaced. “Something tells me that you will find her sweet potatoes something of a disappointment. Besides, she’s the one who told me it was important for us to establish our own holiday traditions. Maybe this is a good place to start.”

“Okay,” he agreed, taking her hands and pulling her up to stand in front of him. “I was going to run to the store anyway. You want to come with me and make it a date?”

“Only if you leave Sassy Jay at home. I can handle him, but I’m not sure it’s fair to unleash him onto the unsuspecting public.”

“Deal,” he agreed promptly, only to let out a groan when the sound of their dryer buzzing rang out throughout the apartment.

She turned toward the sound, pulling him by the hand to go with her. “Come on. Just one more load. And it goes a lot faster when we tackle it together.”

With only a small degree of reluctance, he followed her. He wasn’t especially eager to muddle their way through another pile of laundry, but he knew that his wife was correct: almost everything was easier when they faced it side by side. As a team. As partners.

Chapter Text

“Hailey, this is insane,” Jay said with a shake of his head. He stared at the bleak landscape passing by outside the passenger window of her SUV as they made their way out of the heart of the city. “It’s 40° out there.”

“That’s practically balmy for this time of year,” she reminded him. “We don’t have to stay long; but I think it will be good for you.”

What was good for him at this point was open for interpretation. It was true that he felt his mother’s absence more profoundly around this time of year. And that sense of loss was exacerbated now by Will’s decision to move halfway across the country. But he thought it was a little silly to believe that he could do much about those complicated feelings by spending the evening by his parents’ graves in subarctic temperatures.

He had agreed when Hailey first suggested it: a morbid picnic of sorts where they would pack some of the sweet potato casserole they had attempted to make and take it to where his parents rested. It would give him an opportunity to acknowledge how much he missed her (him, too, Jay would begrudgingly admit, though in not nearly the same way). 

He knew Hailey meant well. That she was experiencing for herself how liberating it was to address those lifelong wounds that stemmed from her family, and she wanted him to likewise have the opportunity to loosen those chains. But, the simple fact was that Jay’s parents were gone. There was nothing to be achieved, no healing to be had when they were both six feet under. And her idea had sounded nice, at first: a little bit of dedicated time for him to honor and remember them. But now, as they were getting close to the cemetery, Jay doubted that he was going to gain any sort of enlightenment from the experience. It was probably just going to be an awkward twenty minutes of brooding silence, ending in disappointment for them both.

“I don’t know. I just… never really felt her presence there, you know? Like on TV or sappy movies when people go and have legit, soul-searching conversations with a headstone… that’s not me, Hailey. It’s not inspirational. It’s just sad.”

“Oh, um… okay,” she answered, a shadow of doubt falling over her face, making her look even paler in the gray, late-afternoon gloom. “I know you like to come here sometimes, on her birthday, and stuff, so I just thought it would be meaningful. But we don’t have to. Or would you rather go alone?”

He fiddled with the buttons on the console of her Jeep. “Yeah, I come to see her here, because… where else would I go? She’s nowhere, and everywhere, and I don’t know how else to celebrate her other than by placing fresh flowers on her grave. But it always leaves me feeling kind of empty.”

“All right then. Let’s change tactics. If she’s everywhere, then maybe there’s another place, or activity, or something that can remind you of happy memories.”

“Or maybe we just stick with our original plan and lower our expectations of the emotional benefits? I mean, we already bought the flowers. I would like to get them to her.”

Hailey snuck a glance away from the road to size him up before agreeing. “Okay. Probably a good idea since we’re almost there, anyway.”

But when they arrived at the cemetery, after he instructed her where to go and she parked near the Halstead plot, she made no move to get out of the car.

“I thought you wanted to come?”

Hailey shook her head. “This trip is for you, Jay. And I don’t want you to feel like I’m watching you, or judging the way you deal with your grief, or whatever. Besides, it’s really cold.” She offered a sad smile, a dead giveaway that the last part was an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Hypocrite,” he mumbled in her direction, digging deep to find the courage to say what he needed to. “Um… look. Hailey. I… I’ve never really had anyone… that’s one thing that I hated the most after we lost her, was that it should have brought my dad and Will and me closer. But it did just the opposite, and we all just retreated to our own corners to cope the best we could. So I never really learned,” he cleared his throat as he looked out the window at the sea of gravestones, “I never really learned how to share my grief with anyone. So I know I’m doing a sucky job, but… I don’t want to feel like I have to hide that side of myself from you. So, if you’re up for it, I would like for you to come with me to lay flowers on my parents’ grave. That is, if you think you can bear the cold.”

He had no doubt that she would agree to his request, but it was a specific balm to his soul to hear her say, “There’s nothing I would like to do more.”

They were both quiet and somber as he led them to the plot: two simple headstones, made years apart but strikingly similar. Katherine Louise Halstead, beloved wife and mother right next to a much newer stone, Patrick Eugene Halstead, beloved husband and father. When sorting their father’s arrangements, he and Will had felt no need to deviate from the script their mother had chosen for her own marker in the last few months of her life. She had wanted no frills, no fanfare, just the acknowledgment of how much she meant to those she loved. 

Jay wasted no time in kneeling to place the flowers in their designated spot. But he suddenly felt very stupid when he realized they had only purchased one bouquet. He hesitated for only a second before Hailey was right next to him. “Here,” she offered, “let me help.” She untied the piece of twine holding the bunch together, and then picked out a few pieces to form a second bouquet.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jay said as Hailey pulled the hair tie off her wrist to secure the flowers. “He would have hated this. Said they were sissy, or something.”

“Well, I disagree. I don’t see anything gendered about using a little beauty to honor the deceased. But it’s your call.” She handed the makeshift bouquet to him, then left her hand on his shoulder, steady and warm even through the multiple layers of clothing.

“I’m sorry,” he announced after a moment of calm, shaking his head as if emerging from a trance, “this is stupid. I’m just overthinking it, and it’s not like it even matters, because they’re not here. They’ll never know what we do or don’t do to honor their memory, because they’re gone.” 

“It matters to you.”

“Yeah. But it’s not like placing flowers on his grave twice a year makes up for how I treated him when he was still here.”

Hailey sighed, shifting her weight a little to get more comfortable on the cold ground. He should have thought to bring a blanket. “Family is complicated,” she reminded him. “Your relationship with your dad was a two-way street. You can’t shoulder all the blame for the problems you guys had.”

“I know. But what else am I supposed to do? He’s not here for me to blame.”

Hailey leaned her head on his shoulder, allowing him to rest his cheek against her hair. “I don’t know, Jay,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I wish I had some magic words that would make all of this hurt less.”

They sat together in silent contemplation for a few moments longer, but the setting of the sun brought with it both a noticeable chill and a reminder that the cemetery hours were drawing to a close. Jay didn’t need an excuse to find a reason to leave, but he was grateful he had one, anyway. The quiet continued until they were well on their way home. “I bet you don’t feel like the needy one in our marriage today, huh?” he finally asked. He accompanied his question with a self-deprecating laugh, but she knew him well enough to detect the insecurities he was trying to hide.

Hailey shifted a little so that she could steer one-handed, giving the other one to him as a firm reminder that they were a unit. “Jay,” she eventually murmured, “you know I don’t see it like that. And if you’re genuinely trying to make me feel better about my own issues by highlighting yours… well, let’s just say that strategy needs some work. I know it’s not easy, but… maybe we both need to realize that leaning on each other doesn’t mean that we’re weak.”

He nodded, looking out the window again instead of meeting her eyes. “I know. And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought up your thing. Maybe I was deflecting, but your needs just seem more valid, somehow. It feels weird to talk about my stuff when there’s not a damn thing you can do to change it. It just feels like whining. And that does make me feel a little needy.”

“And I guess what I’m trying to say is, that’s okay,” she countered without delay. “You don’t have to justify your grief, or explain it to anyone. You’re allowed to feel sad. Human emotions are confusing like that. And I think there’s a reason why most wedding vows contain some variation of the phrase ‘for better or for worse.’ Our commitment would be meaningless if it only included the happy parts. Everyone deserves to have someone that makes them feel safe enough to fall apart every once in a while. That’s our whole thing, right? We don’t always have to be strong around each other. We don’t have to pretend.”

Jay looked down toward their joined hands and ran his thumb around her knuckles. “You are my safe space, Hailey. Still not wild about the idea of falling apart, though.”

“Well,” she shrugged, “you’ve been playing the knight in shining armor role for a long time. It’s an adjustment when you're used to being the rescuer all the time.”

And he couldn’t argue with that. Another stretch of silence passed as he considered everything she had said, when another thought struck him.

“Ice skating,” he said. “We should go ice skating.”

Hailey looked at him in confusion. “Now?”

“Well, no, I guess not right now,” he backpedaled, “but you asked about another place or activity that made me feel close to my parents. I think the answer is ice skating. Even though it wasn’t technically a holiday thing, my mom would always get so excited each year when they started opening the outdoor rinks. She made sure we had at least one family outing to skate each year, and it was always a big to-do. We would pack thermoses full of hot chocolate, and Will and I would save our allowance because there was usually a guy selling this amazing roasted corn near the rink. I have some good memories there.”

“Well, we could take a detour tonight, if you want,” Hailey said in response. “I mean, our thermos is full of sweet potato casserole, which is not exactly the same thing. And of course, I can’t skate yet, because I think it would be a three-way tie of who would be the most upset with me if I managed to hit my head again.”

“Me, Voight, and…?”

“My mom,” she admitted with a laugh. “She wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear about it when I talked to her the other day.”

“Yeah, maybe not the best idea. Especially since we both have to work in the morning.” Jay ran his finger absentmindedly along a seam in the Jeep’s upholstery.

“Jay.”

“Hm?”

She sighed, nearly concealing a hint of irritation. “Pull out your phone and see if there are any rinks nearby.”

It turned out that Chicago was lousy with skating rinks just in time for the holiday season. They even managed to find one with free admission if they weren’t actually skating, so they made themselves comfortable at a bench nearby. At first, Jay just took a moment to take it all in: the smell of the ice, the bustle of people, the sound of kids’ laughter mingled with their concerned parents calling after them to be careful.

It was calming in a way he hadn’t expected. As a kid, he spent a lot of time on the ice, but none of it was ever exactly serene. If he wasn’t pushing his way through a peewee hockey game, he was chasing Will around, seeing which of the two of them could wreak the most havoc without getting kicked out (or worse, their parents noticing). But now, he found the environment as a whole seemed to pull him into a completely different headspace. One where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Plus, Hailey was there, which almost always made things better. The way she leaned into his side provided a warmth that even the fiercest Chicago wind wouldn’t be able to shake from him. On top of that, it didn’t take her long to unpack the container they had brought, permitting him to engage in the last of his five senses as they finally dug into his mom’s famous recipe.

“It’s not bad,” he declared after a few bites. “It’s not as good as hers, but I knew it wouldn’t be.”

“It would probably also be better if we ate it fresh,” Hailey added, “instead of shoving it in a thermos and taking it all over the greater Chicago area.”

“Yes, but then we wouldn’t have had as much fun on this little excursion you set up.”

Their words were few as they finished up the last of their food. Jay had lost himself in the atmosphere again when he felt Hailey nudge him with her shoulder. “Which one were you?” she asked, nodding her head toward the ice. There Jay could see a young girl, probably about ten, who was laughing and skating circles around her younger brother, grabbing his hand to pull him along when it was clear from his face that he was much more tentative about balancing on the blades than his sister was.

Jay laughed in spite of himself at the girl’s antics and said, “Which one do you think?”

Hailey bit her lip as she thought. “Well, you were the little brother, so I have to imagine you were the reluctant one at first. But I also imagine that didn’t last long.”

“Will was always a bruiser. Don’t let his compassionate doctor act fool you. Sometimes I wonder how I even made it to junior high in one piece.”

“Is that when you learned how to give as good as you got?”

Jay shrugged. “That was when I realized that size wasn’t everything in hockey. That if I worked on my speed and dexterity, I could hold my own against him. And then, when I finally hit my growth spurt, I had the advantage for sure.”

“So, those family skating outings were a real bonding experience, huh?” she teased. “I can just picture your poor mom watching as you and Will tried to pummel the daylights out of each other.”

“Are you kidding?” Jay asked, getting to his feet and extending his hand to her. “Where do you think we got it from? She could outskate us both. I think that’s one of the reasons why she looked forward to it every year. So she could remind us that no matter how old we got, there was always at least one thing that we all had in common.”

Hailey was tired. She supposed that was to be expected with the way the last two weeks had gone, with the only real rest she achieved being that ordered by a physician. But it was starting to feel like life was rapidly getting away from her, and the only way she could keep up was by doing what she could to just scrape by.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She had learned new skills and additional coping mechanisms about how to avoid falling into the trap of the busyness of life, but it was becoming evident that acknowledging certain truths in therapy and working hard to shift her mindset did nothing to actually change the reality of her circumstances. Life was hard. Her job was busy. Making time for herself, or her husband, still wasn’t something that just magically happened on its own. She had to work for it. Plan for it. And on certain days, like today, she had to deal with the fact that giving of herself in one place meant she might be deficient in another area.

She had to prioritize what really mattered to her. And she wouldn’t change anything about the evening she and Jay had shared last night. But Hailey was feeling it today. And she had two shifts of overtime work to look forward to in the coming days. So there was no time to take a little nap like the pounding behind her eyeballs was urging her to. Instead, she traipsed into the breakroom and made herself a cup of coffee.

This was yet another old habit that she was falling too easily back into, but Hailey figured that this one was actually pretty innocuous, and maybe even necessary. The whole idea behind limiting her caffeine intake was to ensure it wasn’t making her anxiety worse. But her symptoms were pretty well controlled by now, and she could think of very few things more anxiety-inducing than making an error at the district because she was sleepy or unfocused. She was a lot more attuned to her body now, and it was craving the extra sustenance. So she pushed all vestiges of guilt from her mind as she carried the steaming mug back down to the tech room where she had set up camp for the day.

She sent Jay a quick text to check in with him before returning to the transcript she was typing up. She was still limited to the desk for a few more days, and by all accounts, Jay’s day had been more eventful than hers. A domestic call over a family argument in Gage Park had revealed an abundance of uncut fentanyl, so Narcotics had been brought in to trace the source, as well as the buyer. Hailey knew he would be busy and didn’t expect a prompt response, but in light of everything, she wanted to remind him that he was on her mind.

“Upton!”

With her headphones on, she hadn’t heard anyone approach, and she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard someone call her name from across the room. And she couldn’t even blame that on the caffeine, since she had barely consumed any of it yet.

“Holy smokes, Trudy! Give a girl a little warning next time!”

Platt shrugged. “I did? What do you think I called your name for?”

“I don’t know, you could have made a little more noise coming in, is all I’m saying.”

“Listen, kid,” Trudy fixed her with a stare, “you might want to think a little bit harder before basically announcing the fact that you - while on duty, I might add - were so oblivious to your surroundings that anyone was able to sneak up on you, let alone a decorated sergeant with a bad hip. And I would be especially careful about blaming said sergeant for your surprise. It’s not a good look.”

“I’m on desk duty,” Hailey reminded her with a roll of her eyes. “ And I’m doing transcripts. The whole point of me being down here is to avoid distractions.”

“Uh-huh. Tell that one to the judge. Anyway, before you tried to blame me for your own incompetence, I came to tell you that you have a visitor.”

Hailey had no idea who would be coming to see her at the district on a federal holiday, but as soon as she spotted her mom waiting awkwardly in the lobby, she shook her head at herself. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that her mother wasn’t going to stick to the agreed upon plans when she knew Hailey was at work. 

And she didn’t even know that her daughter had spent most of the day alone in the basement.

“Mom, what are you doing here? I thought we decided I would text you to meet up once I got off work.”

Her mom just shrugged innocently. “Well, you know how it goes. Things wrapped up at Sophia’s pretty early. One of Ricky’s kids got sick after going a little too hard with the pie, and your father was tired. He’s been up since four getting the food prepped.”

“Is he with you?” Hailey asked, her voice level enough to convey nonchalance, but she gave herself away anyway by quickly surveying her surroundings for any unexpected visitors. Especially after what Platt had just scolded her for, Hailey wanted to make sure she hadn’t overlooked anything.”

“No, Hailey, just me. I dropped him off at home first; like I said, he’s tired. But I figured I could go ahead and meet you here. Save you a step. Plus, I’ve never seen you in your place of work before.”

“I know,” Hailey said, “there’s a reason for that. But I guess I can show you around. Trudy, is anyone still around upstairs?”

“How should I know?”

Hailey stood, halfway between the two women, and reminded herself to take a breath. She knew that both of these women would do anything for her, but damn if they both didn’t know exactly how to work her nerves.

“Sergeant,” she tried again, “this is my mom, Ioanna. Although… I guess you two have met, decades ago. Sergeant Platt was one of the responding officers when the diner was robbed.”

“Oh, yes, of course. I remember you.”

“No, you don’t,” Platt chortled, but any disdain was removed from her voice as she reached across the counter to shake her mother’s hand. “That was a mighty long time ago, and I’m sure you had a lot more to focus on that night than the names and faces of the coppers that showed up. I never would have recognized this one,” she nodded in Hailey’s direction, “if she hadn’t brought it up. But I guess her admiration of me was just too great for her to keep it to herself.”

“Maybe I don’t remember specifics,” her mom agreed. “But I recall perfectly clearly what a relief it was to know that Hailey was safe while I was at the hospital with my husband. Poor thing, had no business seeing and experiencing such violence so young… knowing that someone was looking out for her in the aftermath was no small comfort.”

Hailey felt her mouth go suddenly dry, taken aback by the truth behind her mom’s words, wondering if Ioanna was even aware of the double meanings she was so easily communicating. She felt a heat growing from the back of her neck, urging her to sit down before the haze in the room overwhelmed her. All thoughts of showing her mom around upstairs were squashed by observing the brief interaction between her and Platt. She had no idea if anyone was still in the bullpen at this hour, and the idea of her mom shooting the breeze with Voight was enough to have her ushering the woman quickly to the exit.

“Thanks for bringing this stuff by. I better get it in the fridge before it spoils, and then I’ve got to get back to work.”

“But it’s after seven, asteri, and you said you’re on tomorrow, too. Shouldn’t you be heading home?”

“Soon,” Hailey assured her mother. “Just need to finish up the report I’m in the middle of, and some of those take a while. But thank you. Sincerely. It’s nice to see you.”

“You too, Hailey. We’ll talk soon about plans for Christmas?”

Hailey could think of nothing she wanted to do less. “Sure thing.”

“Okay,” her mom agreed, handing over the bag filled with multiple Tupperware. “There should be enough of everything to last you and Jay a few meals. I snuck in a little extra pie. Oh, and your dad wanted me to tell you that he made your stuffing with extra sage. Said he knows how much you like it that way.”

“Oh. Yeah, sounds great.” Hailey took a moment to arrange the dishes, making sure they were balanced enough for her to get them upstairs without any major catastrophes. And then, because there seemed to be no other appropriate response, she added, “Tell him I said thank you.”

“Of course,” her mom muttered before giving Hailey a one-handed hug around all the goodies she had brought and then making her way out.

“You going to share any of that with me, Upton, since I was so charming to your dear, sweet mother?”

“Nope, but keep up the act, and maybe she’ll bring you a plate of your own.”

“Uh-huh,” Trudy went on, not bothering to look up from her work. “Now, explain something to me. How are you going to manage these OT shifts in violence reduction if you’re not allowed to leave the house?”

Hailey shrugged. “Sounds like a problem for my supervisor, doesn’t it? I just figured I could help out with paperwork and processing.”

“Huh. I guess I could call Sanchez over at the one-seven and see if he needs a hand.”

Hailey gave another distracted sigh, setting the bag of food on the counter and then ruffling through it until she located the extra pie her mother had mentioned. Then, with the stealth of a drug dealer making an exchange, she slid the container across to her desk sergeant.

That was enough to turn Trudy away from the form she was filling out. She inspected the dish, lifted a corner of the lid to take a whiff, and then gave an approving nod. “Fine. I guess I can find some menial task around here tomorrow to make you earn your paycheck. But I don’t want to hear any bellyaching from you about how bored you are. I gave you a chance, but you wanted to stay here, with me. So don’t forget it. Got it?”

“Absolutely, Sergeant,” Hailey said with a genuine smile. “You’ll never hear me complain about a work assignment. In fact,” she declared, before tapping the counter with finality, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Then she turned on her heel, returning upstairs to refrigerate the food, and then back down to finish her transcript. She was ready to call it a night and return home to her husband. That is, assuming he had made enough headway in his case to come home at a decent hour himself. Nothing was a given in their line of work, but Hailey really hoped that she wouldn’t be eating her leftovers by herself on this particular night.

Chapter Text

It was quite the challenge, finding a comfortable position in the backseat of her own car. Hailey grunted as she situated herself leaning against the door, ensuring it was locked and wouldn’t open unexpectedly, and stretching her legs out on the seat in front of her. It wasn’t perfect, but she was confident she could make it work for the next hour. She gave herself a moment, closing her eyes and letting out a slow, steady breath, before grabbing her phone and dialing.

For the second week in a row, she was having her therapy session virtually. It was far from ideal, but if she had to choose doing it this way or not at all, this was definitely the lesser of the two evils. Their hectic schedules had already forced her and Jay to bump their couples’ counseling back to once a month, a decision neither of them had taken lightly. The benefits of the therapy had been apparent to them both, but they weren’t operating in crisis mode anymore. Not really. And the tools they had already developed meant they could better negotiate around their obstacles in between sessions. They weren’t prepared to give it up completely, but they both agreed that they were connecting well enough on their own that they no longer needed weekly interventions from a professional.

Hailey’s individual therapy, however, she was not so willing to let go of. And then, there was also the fact that it might still be a stipulation laid out by the department (she couldn’t really tell, at this point, and she wasn’t going to ask, either, just in case it gave her sergeants any unnecessary ideas). So every Tuesday at four, no matter what was going on at the district or with a case, she religiously met up with Steven to discuss whatever subjects had been swirling around her mind during that particular week.

It was probably the most consistent thing she had in her life right now. And maybe that consistency meant a lot more to her than she was willing to admit.

So, two weeks ago, when she had lost track of time at a scene, realizing mid-interview with a witness to a potential kidnapping that she was supposed to be across town and ready to get in touch with her feelings, she admitted that her current arrangement was untenable. She finished the interview, albeit distractedly, and Adam could tell that she was off her game. As soon as she was out of earshot of any civilians, the panic rose in her chest as she shot off a text to her therapist to explain why she was AWOL. For certain, she felt guilty about missing the meeting, but it was more than that. She couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but her fingers were trembling ever so slightly while she typed out the flimsy excuse on her phone.

Of course, Steven was understanding and sympathetic, even offering an impromptu phone session as she drove home from the district a few hours later. They discussed many things in the abbreviated conference, one of which was that maybe virtual meetings would be more convenient for Hailey going forward.

So that’s what she had tried last week. But the quest for a space in the district that felt private enough for her to actually participate in the phone call was unsuccessful. Hailey had hoped the locker room, or maybe even a corner of the roll up would provide her enough isolation for it to be worth her while, but the idea of Platt popping around the corner or noise filtering in from the busy police station kept her from staying in either spot very long. At last, she had sought solace in her car, getting comfortable in the backseat and cranking up the heat so she wouldn’t freeze to death.

So this week, she went straight to her Jeep without delay. And if Steven thought it was odd, the way she hunkered down behind the tinted windows to avoid drawing unwanted attention from any officers who may be passing by, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he started off the same way he did every week: by asking Hailey about how she was doing.

She hesitated, which was embarrassing because she obviously knew the question was coming. “Tired,” she admitted after a moment. “I feel like time is just getting away from me. I can’t believe it’s almost December, so there’s no sign of anything slowing down. I feel like I’m doing that thing where I tell myself, ‘Just make it through this week,’ but I have to tell myself that every week.”

She watched Steven’s face on her phone screen go from grainy to clear as the connection improved. “The holiday season can be a difficult time for many people, for many reasons.”

“It’s not even that,” she clarified, shaking her head a little. “I mean, that’s probably not helping, but… I don’t know. I just feel like I’m falling right back into how things were… before. And that scares me, a little.”

“And how were things ‘before?’”

“You know.” Hailey waved her hand as she tried to elaborate. “With work being the priority, then my marriage, and what little is left - if there’s anything left - for myself.”

“I can see why that could lead anyone to feel exhausted. But can I ask you a question?”

She rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that what I’m paying you to do?”

Steven laughed. “Perhaps, but it’s never a bad idea to check in before asking a question, especially if it’s one that might be hard to hear.”

“Oh, boy,” Hailey muttered. “Lay it on me.”

“For months now, returning to work has been one of your main goals. You’ve been working hard, and it sounds like your superiors recognize that and have allowed you to resume your previous duties. So my question is, what did you expect it to be like?”

“I don’t know. You’re right; it’s the exact same job. I guess I was just under the impression that I would be able to deal with it better after… everything.”

“That’s exactly it, Hailey,” he pointed out. “The job didn’t change; you have, though. You’re able to approach it with a much more objective mindset. And although I’m not there with you at the station, I can tell that you’re doing a better job of balancing work and home life. The fact that you’re realizing it when things get out of whack, that it bothers you… those are all signs of growth. Does it make it easier to deal with? No, probably not. Might even make it harder. Because you can feel yourself getting pulled in multiple directions, and you know that saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. That’s where all this self-awareness that you’ve gained can really come in handy.”

“Does it, though?” she asked, eyes cast to her knees in shame. “Because if there’s a solution, I can’t see it. What am I supposed to do? Knowing that something is a problem is a lot different than knowing how to solve it. So… is this just my life now? Constantly trying to balance being a good detective without letting it consume me, somehow? Is this going to be an ongoing struggle unless I quit my job? Because I’ve been doing it - or rather, we’ve been doing it for six weeks now, and I don’t really see an end in sight. And I don’t know what to do about that.”

“I don’t know, Hailey. It seems to me like you’ve done a pretty good job adapting. Like your decision to move to online sessions, for example. You found a compromise that works for everyone involved.”

“Yeah, but I literally had to excuse myself from observing an interrogation and ask my CO for permission to step out, like a third grader asking for a hall pass. It doesn’t feel like compromise; it feels like I’m not giving my best effort to either thing.”

“So, what do you want to do about it?”

Hailey repositioned as she thought about his question, not wanting her leg to go completely numb. “If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to spend twenty minutes unloading it onto you, would I?” She swatted at her thigh with the side of her fist, trying to get the feeling back. “I just want it to be easier. It would be different if I felt like only one part of my life was suffering, but I feel like I’m failing at everything.”

“Have you gotten that impression from other people, or is that message coming from yourself?”

She shrugged. “I mean, no one’s come right out and told me that I suck to my face, but they’re all also probably afraid that I would disintegrate again at the first sign of conflict. I mean, when Jay and I were arguing last week, he actually was making a pretty valid point. But the second he raised his voice, I shut down, and he ended up comforting me. And I don’t even know if we landed anywhere on the issue we were discussing. You see what I mean?”

Steven just nodded thoughtfully, but gave no immediate response, and that was possibly even more annoying over Facetime than it was when he did it in his office.

“What?” she asked exasperatedly, unsure if she wanted to hear the answer.

“I just wonder if your perception of these events may not represent their reality. Because it’s easy for me to believe that people in your life might be willing to practice a little extra patience with you right now. What I don’t believe is that they are placating you solely because they think you’re too fragile to deal with the consequences. What do you think?”

“I guess maybe right now, it’s hard to tell the difference.”

“And that’s understandable. Don’t forget to give yourself a little grace, Hailey. If you’ve found your value, your identity, for years, in being the police officer, partner, daughter, friend, who never needed help from anyone… Well, that’s a pretty big adjustment. There’s bound to be some growing pains as you get used to this new version of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily doing anything wrong.”

“So that’s it?” she asked in defeat. “I just have to put up with the discomfort until I get used to it?”

“Would you prefer if I said that it’s not worth the effort and you should just stop trying?”

“No. But maybe I was hoping you would say there was a pill or a breathing technique or something that would make the in-between part suck a little less.”

That drew a chuckle out of her therapist, and, in spite of everything, that made her feel a little better about their whole interaction. 

“Nope, no easy fixes with this one, I’m afraid. Just doing it scared, or tired, or hurt, or with hesitation. The situation doesn’t always get easier. In fact, it’s rare that things get better. Instead, you get better. Whether by choice or by necessity. So, I really think you’re right where you need to be right now, Hailey. Even if it still feels like a struggle. That’s a sign of progress.”

Hailey sighed, moving slowly to a sitting position and looking out the car window to check for bystanders. Fortunately, it looked like she was in the clear. No one else was in the parking lot but her. “That’s good to know, I guess. But for now, I’m going to have to take your word for it.”

Jay was already at the restaurant when she arrived; she would recognize the back of his head anywhere, even across the busy dining room at Bartoli’s. Hailey shrugged off her coat as she walked towards him.

“Hey, hot stuff,” she whispered into his ear. Her flirty smile turned to a look of mortification, though, when he turned toward her with surprise in his eyes and his phone held up to the opposite ear.

“Yes, sir,” he spoke into the device while Hailey moved to the other side of the table, dropping her coat on the back of the chair and trying to keep from blushing too profusely, “I think that would be the next best thing… Okay, I’ll make sure to have it to you by then… Sure thing… Copy that.”

Hailey sat, elbows on table and hands covering her face, while he finished his phone call.

“‘Hot stuff?’” Jay asked, the amusement dripping from his voice. “We’ve been operating under a strict ‘No PDA or pet names’ policy for years, and you decide to break that streak with ‘hot stuff?’”

She peeked at him through a gap in her fingers. “Do you think he heard me?”

“Didn’t seem to. Finnegan’s all business. Now, if Luther or Spellman had heard you say that, that might be another story.”

“I guess I lucked out then. Or, maybe not,” she amended, recalling the content she heard on his side of the call. “Do you have to go back in?”

“Not tonight. So if you have any other nicknames you want to try out on me, I am all ears.” The grin on his face was far too cocky, and it had her smiling in spite of herself.

“What, you didn’t like 'hot stuff?'”

“Mmm… I liked the implication, but it’s not very original, is it? I think you can come up with something better.”

“You better watch it, Halstead, because you keep this up, and the next nickname I call you isn’t going to be nice at all.”

“Fair enough,” he laughed, stashing his phone in his pocket and leaning back in his seat. “How was your day? Did therapy go any better?”

Before she could give him a complete answer, the waiter showed up with their usual, and there was a lull in their conversation as they each took the time to savor the first bite. Hailey wiped at the sauce she could feel on her chin before replying, “I guess. There seems to be a certain desperation about having therapy in the parking lot at work, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. The session itself was… okay.”

“That ‘okay’ seems a bit loaded,” Jay pointed out before taking a sip of his soda.

“I mean, I guess it was helpful, but it didn’t exactly make me feel any better.”

He set down his fork and regarded her full on. “Why?”

“Because, Jay,” she answered, intently focused on cutting her own slice into a manageable bite, “Sometimes things are just hard. Talking about them doesn’t change the facts.”

There were another few moments of quiet as they both worked their way through their dinner. But then he said, “You know, if you feel like expanding on that at all, I’m happy to listen.”

She pondered his words before giving him a succinct nod. “I know. It’s not… I’m not being withholding. Just feel like I need some more time to process everything myself, you know?”

“For sure. Just know, that’s a standing invitation. You know that, Hails, right?”

Hailey softened at the earnestness in his face. “Yes, Jay, I know. I’ve known that for a long time. Since the first time you showed up at my apartment after a tough case and refused to leave me alone.”

“Ah, fond memories. But who knows what would have happened between us if I didn’t strongarm my way into your business that night?”

And that made her laugh. “It’s not exactly like we fell madly in love after that. I still think we would have found our way to each other eventually.”

“Speak for yourself,” he said with a shrug.

Hailey reached out and gave his shoulder a gentle shove. “You’re full of it.”

“What can I say, Hailey? I don’t think my love for you came to me in one giant chunk. Cupid didn’t knock me over the head, you know? It was more like he left me little breadcrumbs. Hints. Bits and pieces so that every time I saw you, I fell a little bit more in love. And when you didn’t call me in for trespassing that night… I think maybe that was the first time I thought there was a chance that you might be picking up some breadcrumbs, too.”

Hailey cleared her throat, eager to rid it of the emotion that seemed to cloud her voice all of a sudden. “I think Cupid knew that some people respond a lot better to slow and steady than they do to grand gestures. I’m just glad you had patience until I came around.”

“Hey,” Jay commented, turning back to his deep dish, “it’s not like you were the only one who was skittish here. I think we were both playing the long game. Maybe we both knew that patience was going to be more than worth it.”

Hailey twirled her fork as she considered his words. “You still feel that way?”

“Of course I do, Hails. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, right?” His eyes were fixed on her while he made his sincere claim, and she felt like she couldn’t look away if she tried.

“What if the fighting part lasts a lot longer than we want it to?” she whispered.

He shrugged. “Well, then, I just have to assume that means that whatever’s waiting for us on the other side is better than anything we could imagine. That everything will be worth it in the end.”

She felt the toe of his boot nudge against her ankle before he broke off his gaze and turned his attention back to his pizza.

“You don’t have to eat so fast, you know,” she reminded him. “No one’s going to take it away from you.”

“Or, counterpoint: the faster I eat, the more I get. I swear, Hailey, are you sure you were even raised with brothers? That’s like point number one in the survival code.”

She chuckled at him through her own mouthful of food. “I don’t think I ever got a copy of that. Just had to wing it. Maybe that’s my problem.”

“Eh, it’s okay. I think you did pretty well with the tools that you had.”

“That’s all any of us can do, right?” she asked him. “Just to do the best we can with what we have?”

“Yep. And, for us, right now, I’m pretty sure that just means eating this pizza while it’s still hot. Everything else will still be there tomorrow.”

“You’re probably right,” she agreed. “But if you think you’re getting more than your share just because you eat faster than I do, then you are in for quite a surprise, my friend.”

And there was another silence while they both worked to put away their dinner, but this one spoke of comfort and familiarity, and it was a welcome companion as Hailey’s hectic day simmered down into a cozy evening with her husband.

Despite all the teasing that there wouldn’t be enough for them both, there were ample leftovers of their pizza. Jay went to put it in the fridge once they arrived home for the evening, but Hailey followed him to the kitchen and began going through the cupboards.

“Um, what are you doing there, hot stuff? There’s no way that you’re still hungry, is there?”

She cringed at him. “Okay, you’re right. Now that I hear how terrible it sounds coming from someone else’s mouth, that one definitely should be retired.”

He laughed and sauntered up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “How about ‘beautiful?’ Does that sound any better?”

“Mmm. It’s an improvement. Still maybe sounds like you’re trying too hard.”

“I’m starting to remember why we opted out of terms of endearment in the first place,” he murmured, resting his chin on her shoulder while she continued taking inventory of the cabinet. “What are you doing there, Hailey?”

“I’m checking to see what we have, genius. If we make a grocery list tonight, then hopefully I can place the order in time for one of us to pick it up on our way home tomorrow. Because I’m covering for Torres on Thursday, and I told Seth I would try to make it to Brianna’s concert on Friday. So if you go to the support group in the evening, then I have no idea when we’ll have time before the weekend. And we’ll run out of your sacred organic cereal by then.”

“Don’t worry about that, Hails, I am more than capable of eating other things for breakfast. If I don’t have time to stop tomorrow, I can definitely swing by the store Thursday night if you have to stay late. And don’t forget, we told Kim that we would go to Mack’s hockey game this weekend, too.” He dropped a kiss to her neck, confident that his words had done enough to ease her mind. 

But they hadn’t.

Instead, she stiffened under his grasp, then ducked away and walked back toward the front door.

“Where are you going?”

“To the store,” she answered, grabbing her keys.

“Hailey, I just told you not to worry about that tonight. I’ll take care of it.”

“No, Jay, you gave me some ‘maybes’ and ‘ifs,’ neither of which is very helpful for someone with anxiety to hear. And, for the record,” she turned to look at him, “neither is telling them not to worry.”

“Hey, Hailey, stop,” he pleaded. “Tell me what’s going on here. What just happened?”

She sighed in frustration, rubbing the back of a knuckle across her forehead. “What just happened is that we’ve been flirting and joking all night when we’re about to run out of food! We shouldn’t have gone out to dinner; we should have gone shopping and come home and made something simple.”

Jay could see the anxiety rising within her. This automatically told him two things: first, that the stress was most likely clouding her interpretation of the circumstances. And secondly, that he needed to tread very carefully with her as he tried to work his way around it.

“Okay, Hails, but why don’t we stick with your first plan? Let’s place an online order tonight, and I will pick it up tomorrow night.”

“But what if you can’t? What if you catch a case, or get assigned to a stakeout, or an interrogation goes long?” She seemed to deflate as she heard the desperation in her own voice. “We have no idea what’s going to happen. So I should just go tonight, when I know that I have the time.”

Jay leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. “Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t really about groceries?”

Hailey stared at him for a moment before shrugging helplessly and looking at the floor. “I’m not sure I can do this,” she admitted quietly.

“Do what?”

In response, she only gestured vaguely around herself.

Jay walked around the counter, unsure what he could do to ease her discomfort but certain that keeping a distance wasn’t helpful.

“It’s just never-ending, you know?” she offered as he came up beside her. “The mental load, the to-do list that never gets any shorter, the expectations from my family and my job and you and sweet little Makayla who just wants to feel like she matters to people besides her parents… How am I supposed to not be overwhelmed by all of that?”

“Come here,” Jay answered, more as a warning than an invitation because he pulled his wife into his arms whether she was ready for it or not. “I don’t have an answer, Hailey. Not a good one, anyway. But I will say, and I think you already know this, but it sounds like it’s your anxiety that is doing a lot of the talking right now. So just remember that just because you feel this way, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

She nodded into his chest, and he ran his hand in soothing circles between her shoulder blades. They stood there for a moment, intertwined and drinking in the silence, before Jay asked, “Do you really think getting the groceries tonight would make you feel better, or was that just a stab at doing something to make you feel more in control?”

She took her time replying, “I guess I wasn’t exactly subtle about that, huh?”

“No, not exactly. But in your defense, I do like to think I can read you better than the average person.”

Hailey leaned back, putting enough space between them so that she could look him squarely in the eye. “How confident are you that you will get out on time tomorrow?”

“Umm… 85-90%. I’m not on call so unless I’m literally in the middle of a foot chase at six o’clock, I will be able to make it to the store by seven.”

She mulled over his response in her mind. “And you would be okay with toast and eggs for breakfast if things get dire?”

“I love toast and eggs. And don’t forget that I lived on military food for months.”

“Okay,” she agreed, pulling away and tugging him back into the kitchen. “Let’s get this order placed before all the good time slots are taken.”

She hopped onto the counter, legs crossed, and opened the app of their favorite grocery store on her phone. They spent the next twenty minutes compiling their list, Jay going back and forth between the cupboards and the fridge and his wife, taking advantage of each opportunity he had to get close to her: caressing her knee as he passed by, squeezing her hip when she leaned over to assess the contents of their fruit bowl, and leaning in to steal a kiss once the order was submitted and Hailey set her phone aside.  

“See?” he asked, enjoying the change in their dynamic since her place on the counter made them just about even in height. “We can be flirty and responsible at the same time.”

“Got me a man that can do both, huh?”

Jay picked her up and deposited her on the floor. “Honestly, Hails, I’m a little offended that you sound so surprised. Those are, like, my two main defining personality traits.”

That made her laugh, and the sound was enough to make him forget about anything else that had happened that night. “You’ve got a point there, Jay. And it’s a good thing, too. What else could a girl want in a husband?”

“I could think of a few things.”

But Hailey cut him off before he could get too far. “I’m sure you can, but I don’t think I have the energy to explore any of your other sides tonight.”

Jay nodded and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The atmosphere in their home had lightened, but she was reminding him in not-so-many words that the transition from her earlier panic was not one she accomplished easily. The day had worn on her, and she was nearing her limit. And while he didn’t love the fact that it was happening, Jay did appreciate that she was getting more confident in opening up to him about these things.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good call,” he said. “You feel like a little TV before bed, or are you just ready to turn in for the night?”

“I think probably just bed tonight, but maybe we can do a movie tomorrow? You know, since we’ll both be home early?”

“Absolutely,” Jay assured her. “Sounds like a plan. Can’t wait.”

Chapter Text

“So, everything is still on track for tomorrow?”

Hailey could hear how tentative Kim was as she voiced her question, almost as if she were afraid of what the answer was going to be.

“Yep, all good,” she assured her friend. “I think Jay is actually really looking forward to it. Reliving his glory days at the rink, and all that.”

“Okay, good,” Kim answered, popping the last bite of her peanut butter sandwich in her mouth. “I felt so bad when I realized that the extra shift I signed up for at OEMC was also Adam’s weekend on. Pregnancy brain, I guess.”

Hailey took a minute to stir her own cup of yogurt. “Would it be easier if I covered Adam here, and let Mack have the afternoon with her dad?” she offered.

Kim shook her head. “No, I think this will work better, honestly. Makayla’s already shown us all of her moves, so she’s pretty excited to have a new audience instead of her boring old parents. And the truth is, we need the hours. This little bean is proving to be a bit of a costly investment. We’re still kind of figuring it out, but it looks like it will be easier to stock up on work now before they come. I’m just so worried about how she’s interpreting all of this.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, a new sibling is a big adjustment for any kid. But there’s so many extra considerations for our weird little situation. You know, when we told her the news, we gave her the obligatory ‘this doesn’t mean we love you any less’ spiel. But this kid is biologically connected to us both, and we’ll know them as soon as they’re born, and no matter how much we love Mack, neither of those things will ever be true.” Kim leaned back in her chair and ran a hand through her hair. “And then, the baby is already changing everything. I’m so exhausted, and we’re both trying to pick up some extra shifts to keep things from changing too much for her once the baby comes. But they already are changing. And we were able to spin missing the hockey game into something exciting, but she’s not dumb. And we still have 25 weeks to go; how many more times is she going to have to make a sacrifice for a kid she’s never met before it starts to affect her?”

Hailey took her time gathering up the remains of her lunch and packing them away. How quickly she had forgotten her promise to herself to not get involved in pregnancy drama. “Look, Kim,” she started. “You’re right; Makayla is a smart kid. I doubt you’re going to be able to pull much over on her. Maybe it would be a little easier on all of you to just acknowledge the truth that things will look different than they used to. If nothing else, that kid has shown that she’s adaptable. She doesn’t need your attention 100% of the time, as long as she knows that she can still depend on you when she needs it. And, not that it will make you feel any better, but the fact that you feel so bad about this to begin with is a sign of how much you care about that girl. You didn’t brush anything under the rug, and you’re very aware of how it might make her feel. I’m betting she can sense that. You’re not abandoning her by focusing on your pregnancy. Plus, you made alternate arrangements, that are, if I do say so myself, pretty awesome.”

As she hoped, that comment did draw a listless laugh from Kim. “Lucky you and Jay were willing, though. My sister is too far away to be any consistent help, and we are still extremely hesitant to leave Disco Bob alone with our daughter whenever he’s in town.”

“That’s understandable,” Hailey answered, chuckling herself at Kim’s assessment of Adam’s dad. “Jay and I are happy to help, though. I’m actually going to my niece’s middle school orchestra concert tonight, so fun aunt Hailey is going to get a lot of mileage this weekend.”

“Middle school orchestra?” Kim raised her eyebrows.

“Yep,” Hailey answered, wiping away the last of her crumbs, “she plays the cello, and I am equal parts terrified and excited to see what exactly kids that age can do with stringed instruments.”

Kim hummed and absentmindedly said, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you mention a niece before.”

“Yeah, I, uh…” Hailey stuttered, “I haven’t been really involved much, with my family, the last few years. That’s been one of the things I’ve been thinking about changing, since my… episode. But, yeah. Here.” She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and scrolled through some photos. “That’s Brianna. She’s twelve, and then my nephew Xavier is almost nine.”

“Wow,” Kim said, inspecting the picture. “You really got the recessive genes in the family, didn’t you?”

“Hey! I did not hand you my unlocked phone for you to comment on my appearance.”

Kim laughed again, this time much more heartily. “I’m just saying, Hailey: the light complexion, dimples, left-handedness… you’re like a whirlwind of genetic improbabilities.”

“Actually, dimples are a dominant trait,” Hailey informed her friend. “So maybe I’m not as rare as you would like me to be.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Upton. You are definitely one of a kind.”

Hailey smirked at Kim as she snatched her phone back. “You say that like it’s a good thing. But I need to get back to my case reports. Not all of us have the luxury of growing a person as a good excuse for extending our lunch breaks by ten minutes.”

“Now who’s being hilarious?”

“So, we need to pick Mack up at your place around one?” Hailey asked, conveniently ignoring Kim’s question.

“Yep. Our sitter agreed to watch her in the morning before her marathon study session for finals, and my shift ends at four. So if you guys are cool to entertain her for a couple of hours, it’ll all be gold.”

“All right, perfect. I’ll make sure to practice my fun aunt Hailey moves tonight, so I’ll be warmed up for her.”

“I know you’re joking, but don’t stress about seeing your family, Hailey,” Kim advised. “You are already cool in any kids’ eyes because you carry a gun and look like Barbie and, most importantly, are not their parent.”

Hailey gave her friend a slow nod. “Thanks for the pep talk, Kimberly.”

“Anytime. Now, get back to work while I enjoy the last few minutes of my extra-long lunch break.”

Jay kept his eyes down as he made his way around the circle of chairs, settling himself in the one he had deemed as ‘his’ since he started coming to these meetings last week. It surprised him that, in a room full of veterans, there wasn’t an abundance of them choosing that exact same spot on the opposite side of the gym from the entrance, allowing a full vantage point of the entire room. With his back to the wall, there was no chance of anyone sneaking up on him, and he could easily spot and size up any person who came through the door.

And for the first time, he wondered if that was some sort of trauma response.

But he didn’t have too much time to think about it, because the leader called the meeting into session not too long after that.

Jay wasn’t sure why he kept coming to these. This was his fourth time, and more often than not, he didn’t participate any further than just sitting and listening. He was unable to vocalize why it felt important to him, only that he felt it was so. In a lot of ways, it felt like penance. Like he owed it to all his brothers that didn’t make it home to sit and listen as other soldiers recounted their own horrifying experiences.

It had become apparent, early on in his homecoming, that his own accounts needed to be suppressed. He had tried, for a while, to make sense of them on his own, but with very little success. And even though he knew his father and Will meant well, it was isolating to be reminded over and over again how he was expected to drop right back into his civilian life with only minimal difficulty. Like he hadn’t just spent years of his life in a literal warzone. But it was something he was unable to communicate with anyone without subjecting them to the ugliness of the truth. So Jay figured out how to push it down, how to convince himself that the old adage was true: out of sight, out of mind. He had made it back from Afghanistan for a reason, and he had to believe that that reason did not include keeping himself trapped in his own memories by reliving it every single day.

He had learned to cope out of necessity; he saw the path Mouse had chosen and knew that nothing good came from it. So he chose a different road, but now, with the benefit of fifteen years’ worth of hindsight, Jay found himself wondering if it really led him to any better of an outcome. Sure, he had managed to work his way into a respectable profession. Perhaps even noble, he might say. One that would make his mother proud of him. One where he had an opportunity every day to make a positive change in the world. One that allowed him to rationalize all the terror he had witnessed overseas, because, when it came to defeating evil, the ends justifed the means every time.

One that conveniently prevented him from addressing his demons because it gave him the illusion that he wasn’t alone.

That was until Hailey, of all people, came around and without even realizing it had shown him how his past would continue to hold him back until he dealt with it. And on top of that, she had convinced him of another important fact: that he deserved to get better. That maybe other people were willing to overlook just how much he still ached inside, but that she wasn’t going to take part in that.

It certainly hadn’t been a grand gesture or anything even close to romantic - more like angry and a little threatening - but it made Jay smile to look back now and remember that, even behind the stinging words and the vitriol barely contained in her eyes, Hailey was looking out for him. That the consistency of her character and her commitment to the right thing, even if it was painful to get through, was an impression that stuck with him. That, aside from her physical beauty and the witty personality she wore as armor, that was the first flicker of attraction he felt for his wife. That she was determined to get through the hard stuff if it meant emerging stronger on the other side. And that it applied even to him.

A clearing of a throat brought Jay back to the present, and he shifted his weight, crossing one leg over the other as he chastised himself for his daydreaming. A lady he recognized from prior meetings was talking, and he was sure it was helpful, but his focus was just lacking this evening. He busied his fingers fiddling with his coffee cup, trying to reign his scattered thoughts so that he could actually pay attention. What was the point of even coming if he couldn’t?

The coffee had grown cold, but Jay didn’t mind. It was too late for caffeine tonight anyway, but he had grabbed a cup on the way in out of habit. He didn’t need the beverage, but he did need something to do with his hands, and the cardboard cup was a perfect fidget device. And once he allowed himself to dispel that restless energy through his hands rather than through his wandering thoughts, it was a little easier to listen in as the other veterans took turns sharing their struggles and insights. Some of it was useful, some of it was confusing, some of it was outright discouraging. But through it all, a single theme emerged: that he wasn’t alone in this.

And somehow, after everything, that felt like enough.

The auditorium was packed. Hailey really wasn’t expecting that for a junior high winter orchestra performance. Things sure had changed since her day.

She had found herself reminiscing about her own preteen days as she made the drive up to Highland Park. It seemed that those were pivotal years for any young girl, but Hailey mostly remembered hers as a blur of uncertainty as she transitioned from a little kid into an insecure, but acting much more confident than she ever felt, high-schooler.

There had been no extra-curriculars. That was for certain. They existed, of course, but Hailey never felt the need to involve herself in any of them. She wasn’t musical, had no eye or appreciation for art, and while the idea of sports appealed to her, she knew that would open her up to a risk she wasn’t willing to take. There were far too many eyes on the school’s athletics department, and she had no desire to expose herself to that level of scrutiny. Plus, there was no telling what her potential teammates might notice if she had to change in front of them in the locker room every day.

No, anonymity was easier. Safer. So it really struck her how the school was pulling out all the stops for this performance. According to her brother, the quality was not going to be all that stellar. But the school, and an auditorium full of proud families and friends, was showing up for these kids. Was letting them know very clearly that their pursuits were worth the investment. And something about that idea left Hailey feeling very emotional.

She loved her niece and nephew, and she considered herself a good aunt. But she hadn’t exactly been a supportive presence in their lives. And she wasn’t sure whether it was too late to do anything about it. For a fleeting moment, she wished that she had taken Jay up on his offer to accompany her tonight. But ultimately she decided against it, recalling a little too clearly how on edge she was the last time they hung out with her brothers, knowing full well that they hadn’t completely accepted his renewed position in her life just yet. If she wanted to be out of her head and in the moment, that would be easier accomplished without him by her side.

On top of that, the support group he had been attending faithfully the last couple of weeks met tonight. It had seemed important to him, the first time he decided to go, but Hailey struggled to put her finger on exactly why. He had admitted to her that some of it stemmed from the difficulty of missing his parents around this time of year, but it felt deeper than that. And she was all too aware that he had made mentions here and there about his own mental health since his return from Bolivia, but he hadn’t made it very far in the ‘actually doing something about it’ department. Maybe he didn’t feel like what he was going through was enough to warrant a return to the therapist he saw for his own PTSD all those years ago, but Hailey didn’t want to deprive him of what might just be the next best thing.

So she was happy to come without him; it’s not like she would be alone, anyway. So she moved a bit further into the massive room and scanned the crowd for her brother and sister-in-law. As her eyes adjusted to the dimness of the auditorium, Hailey spotted them a few rows from the front. Seth, holding the program and pointing out a detail to Xavier, who was next to him. Millie, holding up her phone to ensure an adequate angle to capture the stage. But Hailey recognized that the woman sitting next to her brother’s wife was not another eager parent, but rather her own mother. And there, sat smack in the middle of the row, was her father, looking for all the world like every other proud grandparent in the room.

Hailey turned and left the auditorium without a second thought.

It wasn’t until she felt the biting winter air whip against her face that she realized what she was doing. She could feel her body responding, the fight-or-flight instinct nearly impossible to kick after so many years cherishing it as her most fervent protector. But even as she recognized the physical symptoms as a response to the threat that existed only in her memory, Hailey could also sense a calmer, rational side of her brain fighting to take control as the war raged on in her mind.

What is there to be afraid of? she asked herself, plopping gracelessly to the curb outside the school, allowing the chill from the frigid concrete to seep right through her clothes and ground her to the present. The thrum of her heart was strong and sharp against her rib cage, and she wished someone would tell her sympathetic nervous system that she was not in any danger. She wrapped her arms around her middle, simulating the pressure she would receive from a reassuring hug from her husband.

Jay. She should call Jay. No. He was in the middle of his meeting, and she could handle this. She could do this. All she had to do was to convince her body that the man sitting just a few hundred feet behind the school doors was not going to hurt her. She was a grown woman. Who owned a gun. They were in a public place. And, they were both there for the same reason, and that reason had nothing to do with Hailey. It was far too late for her. Clearly. But for all the longing Hailey had to comfort her inner child through this struggle, there was another little girl who presumably knew nothing of the shame that had plagued their family for years. One who was too young to understand why her aunt avoided being in the same room as her grandfather. One who would never have to contemplate such atrocities, if Hailey had anything to say about it. She was confident that her father deserved none of the secrecy shielding his grandkids from the truth. But they did.

And rapidly, like the rush of a river sweeping her off her feet, Hailey suddenly understood Seth’s perspective, to an extent. Isolating her father punished everyone, so maybe it was the lesser evil to set it aside, at least for now. Not to say that it didn’t matter, but just to show that it no longer consumed her the way it once had. Letting go was an essential part of moving on. And maybe, just maybe, Hailey was ready to take that step.

She wasn’t going to let her dad, or all the memories he had sullied, keep her from living her life. She came here tonight to listen to Brianna play the cello, and she would be damned if she let anyone stand in the way of that.

She just needed to get her breathing under control first. Sneaking into the performance hall only to disrupt it with an anxiety attack would not be a good look.

So Hailey wrapped her arms even more snugly around herself and turned her face up to the sky. The stars were much more visible out here in the suburbs, and the clarity of the winter night was something to behold. Her shaky breaths were beginning to even out when she heard the music start from inside the building. It was faint, but not nearly as bad as Seth made it out to be, and Hailey found it rather soothing as she willed herself away from the ledge.

“I didn’t think they were bad enough to scare you away before the performance even started.” The sound of Seth’s voice was too close to surprise her as much as it did. She chided herself at her lack of awareness of her surroundings; Trudy really might have been on to something when she pointed it out to her the other day.

“No, they actually sound pretty good,” Hailey countered as she felt her big brother settle himself beside her. She turned her attention to her cuticles and asked “Why didn’t you tell me he was coming?”

“Would you have come if you knew?”

She shrugged in response, but they both knew that wasn’t a truthful answer.

“I didn’t know he was,” Seth admitted after a beat. “We gave them a copy of the school calendar at the beginning of the year, but we hadn’t discussed it past that. They don’t come to everything, but… they’re trying, Hailey. They’re good grandparents.”

“I’m sure they are.”

She didn’t know what else to say, and, for a moment, the only sound was the distant tones of Beethoven or Bach or whoever kids learned in middle school, the brutal wind rustling through the trees, and the conflicting thoughts bouncing around Hailey’s head.

“Are you okay?” Seth asked with some hesitation. “I saw you leave, and I, well… I wasn’t sure if I needed to be worried about you. Or if that’s even okay to ask.”

A soft puff of air left her lungs, the vapor swirling for a moment between them before floating away. “Are you asking if seeing Dad made me suicidal again?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know anything about this stuff, Hailey. I don’t know what it looked like the first time it happened. But just because I don’t understand you at all doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do what I can to make sure you’re okay.”

She took her time responding, kicking at a loose piece of pavement with the toe of her boot. “I appreciate it, Seth. But no, that mess was a long time in the making, and it’s going to take a lot more than a reminder of his existence to get me back there again. And,” she used her shoulder to gently nudge her brother, “for the record, you’re allowed to ask. In fact, as a cop, I highly recommend that you check in with anyone if you suspect they might be tempted to hurt themselves. But you should also understand that almost no one is going to react positively to that question.”

He stretched his legs out in front of him. “So, should I believe you when you say that you’re fine?”

Hailey snorted. “I never used the word ‘fine.’ But yeah, I’m good. I was actually working myself up into going back inside when you came out here.”

“You think you’re up to that?”

The creaking of her knees as she pushed herself off the curb echoed through the evening air. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like I haven’t seen him in however many years. I just usually have advanced warning to psych myself up for it.”

“Got to get all those walls back up?” Seth asked. And although the words sounded accusatory, he had a knowing look in his eye.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Those walls kept me safe for a long time. So it took me a while to realize that it was okay to let some people past them. But there’s no way I’m going to outright demolish them. They’re there for a reason.”

Her brother stood and motioned his head toward the school doors. “Shall we?”

They managed to sneak back into the auditorium without causing too much of a disruption. Hailey made certain to clock her father’s location as they settled into their seats, but even that simple act - essentially an instinct for any police officer - left her embarrassed at her own timidity. She had no reason to be terrified of the middle-aged man five seats down from her, and yet, his very presence had left her even questioning her place here tonight. She put a lot of effort into ignoring her surroundings and focusing on the kids on stage, even filming an excerpt like any supportive relative, but she was stuck in a relentless cycle of inner debate. Of her current rational observations battling against the hurt and confusion she had felt as a child, agonies that were very much still present somewhere within her.

She didn’t know what to do. If the discomfort she was feeling was a warning bell to get the heck out, or if it was one of those tricky things her therapist had talked about that she just needed to sit with until it didn’t feel so daunting anymore. But the answer eluded her, and far too soon the concert came to an end. And then there was chaos as everyone in the room seemed to try to move at once - kids toting giant instrument cases and parents forcing them to pose for photos and little siblings who had been made to sit still for far too long burning off their energy by running through the rows of seats.

Hailey stayed seated, hoping for the fray to thin out a bit before she wound her way to congratulate Brianna. But she wasn’t the only one; her dad and Xavier were there, too, engaged in a serious game of rock, paper, scissors. And not for the first time that night, Hailey found her heart aching at the simplicity of it all. Of the reminders all around her of the childhood she might have had.

She felt his eyes on her, and it made her skin itch. The idea that he most likely knew about what she had been going through, that everything she had shared with her mom had been extended to him as well by default, left her feeling more defenseless than she had in some time. He had no right to know anything about her, let alone something that highlighted her weaknesses, that betrayed just how affected she was by his treatment of her for all those years. It made her feel extremely vulnerable, knowing that she no longer had any secrets from anyone in her family. 

But it also felt… easier? Her walls were still up, but now she felt no shame in being honest about why they were there. She didn’t have to decorate them, make them less intimidating or easier to swallow for those that she was trying to keep out. She didn’t have to pretend. She could just be, whatever that may look like.

So it was completely overwhelming when at last, her dad handed his grandson his phone to occupy him for a minute and turned all his attention to her. They locked eyes, and she hated that she could read none of the emotion behind his as he simply stated, “It’s really nice to see you, Hailey.”

She nodded, scratching at her wrist beneath her henley. Before she gave any reply, she took a moment to weigh his words. To analyze them, to see how they felt in her gut as she digested them. There was no bitterness, no visceral reaction, but there was also definitely no desire to reciprocate. “Thanks,” she muttered, deciding to settle on a simplified version of her truth. “It’s nice to be seen.”

Then she got up and made her way towards the stage, eager to congratulate her niece and then get out of here.

Chapter Text

The apartment was dark when Hailey pushed the door open a few hours later, the only source of light coming from the TV, a basketball game playing at a low volume. And as the door fell shut behind her, she was overcome by a fatigue that she hadn’t realized she was suppressing. It wasn’t a secret that her body had been on high alert all evening, but the degree to which that level of vigilance affected her physically wasn’t apparent until the safety of her home enveloped her, allowing the tough exterior to melt away and all the adrenaline with it.

The lack of a greeting made her suspect that Jay was watching the game only partially awake, so she was quiet as she dragged herself into the apartment and around the couch. It never failed to amaze Hailey just how handsome her husband could look in gray sweatpants and well-worn crew socks, but there he lay, catching her off guard as he dozed with one arm slung carelessly above his head. But it wasn’t just his beauty that struck her; she was also pleased to note how relaxed he appeared, snoozing there in the light cast off from the TV.

She almost hated to wake him. Almost. But her own harrowing night was still fresh, knocking on the back of her mind, and she had been so brave all evening, but now she was so tired, and he was lying there all invitingly, and she knew for a fact how perfectly her body fit into his own. So without any further thought, Hailey crawled right on top of her husband and draped herself over him like the world’s heaviest blanket.

His response was instant, humming in pleasure and swiping his hand up and down her back before he even fully woke. They lay together in comfortable contemplation before he asked her at last, “How was the concert?” 

She gave off a huff that she hoped might pass as laughter. But hiding any part of this night from Jay felt not only futile, but also unwise. So she breathed in a pensive sigh, twirled her fingers through the short strands of hair on the back of his head, and told him the truth. “My dad was there.”

She expected to feel him tense beneath her, equally surprised by the fact as she was to experience it firsthand. But the only detectable sign he gave off was a brief pause of his hand, before he rallied quickly and resumed the soothing motion. “Oh. How did that go?”

“I don’t even know,” she admitted. “Probably better than it would have if I had known he was coming. Didn’t have time to get myself worked up over everything. Instead, I just walked into the auditorium, and there he was.”

“Are you okay? Scale of one to ten?”

Hailey thought about his question. “I think maybe I’m still processing it all. Because I feel kind of removed from it now. But I definitely started panicking. Went to leave because I could feel it coming on, but then I was able to kind of talk myself through it. And Seth came out to check on me. I was able to settle down enough to go back in and listen to Brianna play. In fact, it almost felt like I calmed down out of spite; I told myself I wasn’t going to let him ruin one more thing in my life. I’m tired of just letting him have that control.”

Jay smiled into her hair. “Don’t look now, Hails, but I think that just might count as a breakthrough.”

“I know,” she said resignedly. “Kind of hate the way it feels, though.”

He chuckled, the vibrations rattling through her chest. “Well, either way, I’m proud of you. Did you speak at all?”

Hailey shrugged. “Not really. We were both focused on other things. Plus, it’s… it’s really disconcerting to think about how much he knows about what’s going on with me. The only control I ever had was in not letting him see how much he hurt me. It feels a lot harder to face him now that we both know the truth.”

“I’m pretty sure you both knew the truth all along,” Jay said, a hardness overtaking his voice. “And if he honestly believed that you weren’t hurt by the way he treated you, then he may be an even worse father than I thought he was. And that’s saying something.”

“Don’t say that, Jay,” she whispered.

“Why? You don’t have to defend him, Hailey. He doesn’t deserve it, and I don’t see the point in skating over the truth.”

She bit her lip. “It’s just not that simple. And you of all people should know what I mean when I say that it’s complicated. He wasn’t perfect - very far from it, actually - but he’s my dad. It still doesn’t feel good to hear you say things like that, even if they’re true. Maybe even because they’re true.”

Jay shifted beneath her, and there was a longer hesitation than she was comfortable with before he said, “You’re right, Hails. I’m sorry. The fact is, I still know very little about your life growing up. But what I do know makes me hate him. It makes sense that your opinion of him is a lot more… nuanced, I guess, than mine. I’ll keep those opinions to myself from now on.”

And Hailey really wasn’t sure what to say to that, so she changed the subject. “How was the support group?”

Jay took his time responding, taking a few more passes with his hand across her back, and something about his hesitation told her that he knew all too well that she asked as a diversionary tactic. But to his credit, he had pity on her and went with it instead of calling her out. “It was good, I guess. Nothing too groundbreaking. But I think it’s helpful to meet up regularly with some other vets, you know? A good outlet for those specific issues.”

And now she was sorry she asked, because she was reminded afresh that he was undergoing his own complicated transitions. “That’s good, I guess. I’m glad you have people that you feel like get it, or whatever. But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about those things, okay? I may not get it, but I get you, all right? I got you.”

Another sleepy silence, one that was only slightly dampened by the lack of resolution to either of their troubles. But tonight, it seemed that their exhaustion won out, both of them too comfortable piled on their sofa to care all that much that they might not always be on exactly the same wavelength.

“I know, Hailey,” he murmured after a while. “I’m working on it. It’s just a slow process.”

“That’s okay,” she answered. “We’ve got plenty of time. Progress, not perfection. Right?”

“Right,” he agreed, before another lull in the conversation fell over them, the depth of his breathing the only indication that he hadn’t fallen asleep again. After a few minutes appreciating the tranquility at the end of another long week, Hailey poked him in his side and pulled him off the couch before they both dropped off for good.

Jay loved the smell of the ice. 

It was crazy to him how the brain made such strong connections between scents and memories. How the smell of French toast took him immediately back to being five years old, standing on his tiptoes to watch his mom perfectly fry up the bread evenly on both sides. How the smell of diesel exhaust made it so he could practically feel the middle eastern sun scorching him through his fatigues while sand stuck to his dry lips. How the smell of Hailey’s mild floral body wash flooded his system with the thrill of excitement, his heart racing and palms sweating the same way they had the first time she invited him to join her in the shower.

And the ice. Man, the ice. He spent so much time at the rink growing up that it wasn’t a specific memory that the scent called to mind, but rather an amalgamation of all the emotions he might feel stepping onto the ice: excitement, trepidation, anticipation. An eagerness to see what the other team would bring and what he would be able to do about it. His family hadn’t been stage parents; it wasn’t that serious for the Halsteads, and they never viewed hockey as more than a worthwhile extracurricular, a way to get their boys some exercise and keep them out of trouble. But for Jay, who always felt just a bit out of step in other aspects of his life, it was a respite. A safe place to work out aggression, where no one read too closely into what his actions said about him. All that mattered was what he could do with a puck. Not how well he fit in at a school that was well beyond his parents’ means. Not how his father seemed to have so many expectations for his sons that he was going to end up disappointed no matter what. Not how his brother’s shadow seemed to become more and more stifling with each passing year.

So when Adam had asked if he would mind chauffeuring Makayla to her game, Jay hadn’t needed to think twice before agreeing. And the excitement on her face when they picked her up Saturday afternoon only fueled his own.

Hailey, on the other hand, was less than enthusiastic. Despite what he thought was a solid night’s rest for them both, she seemed worn out. She had been open with him about how the seemingly unending busyness of their life was catching up with her, which was a far cry from the version of his wife who would run herself ragged to avoid too much time alone with her thoughts. It appeared that it was going to take some practice for them to find the right balance, and Jay wondered if pushing through today was going to be too much for her.

But Hailey insisted it would be fine; a youth hockey game was unlikely to be too physically or emotionally taxing for her, and she really wanted to be there for their friends during their own life transitions. She didn’t say as much, but Jay knew his wife well enough to know she felt like she owed them. He wasn’t sure he agreed with that assumption, but after putting his foot in his mouth with her the night before, he wasn’t going to offer up that opinion. He was sure she had enough going on inside her head without him adding to the mix.

So he didn’t say much, once they made sure Mack met up with her team and they found some seats a few rows up behind the bench.

“So, which position did you play?” she asked as the kids took the ice and started to warm up.

“I would play anywhere they put me, but my favorite was center.”

“Which one is that?”

Jay shook his head as he pointed out the kids doing drills near center ice. It still took him by surprise that Hailey’s knowledge of sports didn’t extend much beyond the most basic pride held by all native Chicagoans. She was such a good chameleon that she could hold her own when the topic came up, but had just never become as invested in the concept of sports as Jay had.

And it made sense. His dedication had been forged in childhood, and she just had so much else going on in her formative years. In all honesty, she probably could have used a distraction as an escape of her own.

She seemed interested enough now, so Jay kept a running commentary of the finer points of the game, only pausing to cheer for Makayla when she made a good play. After a few minutes of back and forth with the puck, Hailey caught on and was able to follow the play pretty well. She took out her phone, capturing a video every time one of the opponents came into Makayla’s area. She was a scrappy player, and he could see why Hailey would want to make sure her parents could catch the highlights.

When the game ended, Jay and Hailey found themselves mingling with the group of parents waiting for the team huddle to break. It was a bit awkward, since it was obvious that most of the others knew each other, so it was a relief when Mack came running up to them, ecstatic from the high of the game. So at least the other parents would know they weren’t kidnappers.

“Did you see that steal I got in the second period?” she asked gleefully. “I didn’t think I would be able to catch him!”

“I did! You were great, Makayla. I think Hailey might have even got that one on video.”

“You did? Can I see? Dad’ll freak out that he wasn’t able to be here for that one.”

Hailey handed her phone to the girl, and the two of them spent a few minutes scouring through the footage, Mack giving her input before deciding on which ones to send to her parents. Jay took the opportunity to gather up all the gear into her bag. 

“All right, kid, we’ve got about an hour before we have to meet your mom,” Hailey said. “What do you want to do? It’s your call.”

It didn’t take the child long to find her answer. “Can we make cookies? My mom says the baby has been craving oatmeal cookies, but she’s been too busy to make some. And I’m not allowed to use the oven without supervision.” She emphasized the last words with a sarcasm that conveyed she didn’t agree with them.

“That’s probably a smart policy,” Jay said with a sympathetic smile. He eyed Hailey over Makayla’s head, trying to get a read on her opinion. “We don’t have a key to your house, so it would have to be in our apartment. Does that work for you?”

“I don’t know,” Mack answered, “Do you have the ingredients and a bowl and measuring cups and stuff?”

Hailey laughed. “We have a fully functional kitchen, if that’s what you’re asking. As far as ingredients, we might have to stop by the store.”

“I guess that works,” Makayla answered before turning to skip out of the building. And Jay couldn’t help but to ruffle her hair as she went.

This kid had so much energy. Hailey was beginning to really understand how Kim felt so exhausted all the time if she was growing one child while also keeping up with the ebullient girl who had completely taken over their kitchen.

But, she had to admit, there was a certain appeal to it, as well. Makayla had such a joyful presence, making even the most mundane tasks like stopping by a grocery store and baking into adventures. There was an innocence about her, a sense of wonder that Hailey had long assumed had been deprived of her during her own childhood. But observing it in another little girl, one who had experienced her share of difficulties at far too young an age, brought Hailey a measure of hope. The ending of Makayla’s story was not dictated by her rough beginning. There was still so much good out there in the world for the kid to discover. And seeing the outcome for Makayla right in front of her made it a little easier to believe that it might be true for her, too.

Jay was pulling the first batch of cookies out of the oven right when Kim showed up, so they were able to pack them up and send them home with Mack. Hailey promised that she would bring the rest to work on Monday, so that she could be sure ‘the baby’ had plenty to satisfy his craving. Kim gave them an appreciative smile, and, to her surprise, Makayla reached out and wrapped her arms around Hailey’s waist before they left.

And then she and Jay were left to finish up the baking and then tackle the gigantic mess on their own. The quiet was a nice change of pace after the constant chatter all afternoon, but it also held a note of emptiness in it, as well.

“Can we talk?” Jay asked once the last of the baking utensils was stacked in the drying rack.

“One afternoon babysitting and you want to revisit the conversation about kids?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

His signature grin poked out of the corner of his mouth as he dried his hands. “Uh, no. I think today scratched that itch for a good long while. I actually wanted to revisit something that came up last night. About your dad.”

“Oh. That.” She grabbed one of the cookies and leaned against the counter while she tasted it. “What about him?”

“You’re going to eat that without chocolate chips?” he asked incredulously.

“It’s still a cookie, Jay. At least there aren’t any raisins. Now,” she brushed her hands free of crumbs, “What about my dad?”

He leaned against the counter next to her so their hips were side by side. “Um, well, I guess maybe I’m just looking for some ground rules. I can understand how what I said about him wasn’t exactly sensitive. But the whole topic just feels extremely loaded, and I don’t really know how to address that going forward. I don’t want to say anything that will upset you, so should I just not say anything? Is he off limits for me? I just want to hear your input on it.”

Hailey drummed her fingernails on the countertop behind her. “No,” she finally said, “I don’t think he needs to be off limits. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to restrict anything as being off limits. I just think… I don’t know, Jay. It’s only very recently that I’ve acknowledged the truth about my dad out loud. It’s still raw, I guess. Hearing you just outright state that he was a terrible father was kind of jarring. It’s still an idea I’m trying to reconcile myself. Maybe you could just be a little more… I don’t know, delicate, about it in the future.”

His jaw was tight, but Jay nodded. “I’ll try to do that. And maybe if I ever meet him, I’ll be able to better understand your viewpoint. I know that people are complex, multifaceted. But right now, all I know about the guy is that he hurt you. That’s the only facet I care about.”

“Okay, but think about your own dad,” she countered. “You guys didn’t have the best relationship, and I know that you still carry some of those wounds around deep down. But wouldn’t you feel a little defensive if someone just came at you and said he was awful?”

“He was awful. He was a crotchety, miserable, old son of a bitch.”

“And you loved him,” she said, stating it as a fact and not a question.

Jay stared down at the floor, shaking his head in bemusement. “Do you love your dad?”

“Sometimes the people that love us still hurt us, Jay.”

“Right,” he chortled derisively and pushed himself away from the counter, “me and your dad. The two people that have hurt you the most that you forgave and still love, inexplicably.”

“I didn’t say that, Jay!”

“You didn’t have to. It’s fine,” he waved her away as he headed toward the bedroom, “It actually makes a lot of sense, honestly.”

Her desire to help him understand her muddled thoughts was quickly overtaken by anger. Hailey rushed toward him, cutting him off and blocking him from escaping to their bedroom. “Jay, stop! You’re the one who brought this up, so you don’t get to be all pissy when I can’t explain my feelings to your liking! I mean, I spent the last several years pretending like my dad didn’t exist, so you can’t be upset with me that I don’t really know how I feel about him right now. If you’re choosing to see some parallels in how I relate to you and how I relate to him… well, that’s your prerogative, I suppose. But I’m not the one who made that connection.” She ran a hand through her hair. “You’re not the same as him, and the very fact that I am standing here yelling at you without my hands shaking is proof of that. So if you’re reading any more into it, that’s on you.”

He chewed his lip, eyes on the floor. His chest was heaving in a way that told her that he had some anger of his own brewing. But his face was passive when he looked back up and gave her a simple nod. “You’re right. Sorry, Hailey, I just, uh… I guess I’m reading too much into this.” And he stepped around her into the bedroom.

But she followed him. “Hey. I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer you wanted.”

“No, don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have pulled you into a conversation that you weren’t ready to have.”

Her fingers fidgeted as she searched for something else to say, to somehow resolve this tension that popped up out of nowhere. “I love you.”

Her tone must have betrayed her insecurity, because Jay’s eyes were much softer when he turned back toward her. “I know, Hailey. Oh, believe me, I know.” He came back around the bed and extended his arm to her. “I love you, too. Even though sometimes I show it in really stupid ways.”

She leaned eagerly into his hug, needing the reassurance all the more because of the sharp turn the afternoon had taken. Hailey didn’t really know where to go from here, or if his change in demeanor came from an understanding of her side, or if he had just given up trying for today. So she attempted to turn her mind off, focusing less on those pesky emotions and more on the tangible sensations around her: the strength of his arms surrounding her, the sound of his heart rumbling beneath his ribs, the faint aroma of sandalwood still lingering from his aftershave.

He must have been doing something similar, because a few moments later, he murmured, “You smell like brown sugar.”

“Yeah, I think about a third of those dry ingredients ended up in my hair,” she replied. “Between that and the hockey rink, I could probably use a shower.”

“Okay.” Jay gave her one last squeeze before pulling back and looking into her eyes. “Are we good?”

“Always.”

He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Well, we’re getting there,” she amended. “We’re moving in the right direction.”

“Progress, not perfection, huh?” Jay asked.

“Yep,” she agreed. “And I’m starting to think that that progress can look like a lot of different things.”

“Lucky for me.”

“Lucky for us.”

They maintained eye contact for a few moments longer, and it might have felt too intense with anybody else. But that unspoken closeness that she and Jay shared had always been a pivotal part of their relationship. She could read so much behind his gaze, and there was a particular thrill she felt at knowing he could do the same to her. Being seen was never a danger with him, and the more he could gather from her subconscious, the better.

“All right,” Jay finally broke them off with a kiss to her forehead. “Go get washed up, I’ll see what I can scrounge up for dinner.”

“There should still be some of that leftover spaghetti,” Hailey reminded him.

“Oh, right,” he said. “I’ll warm that up and pop some bread in the oven. How does that sound?”

She still felt the heat from where his fingers had been clasped around her shoulder, and it was difficult to think about anything else besides how empty and cold that part of her felt now. “Sounds perfect,” she muttered, pulling out her hair tie as she made her way into the bathroom.

Chapter Text

It had been an uneventful Monday thus far when Hailey heard, “Detective Upton, someone downstairs to see you.” It was Sergeant Blackstone, the one who manned the desk on those few times a year that Trudy took a day off. He was about as personable as Platt, too, because he gave no further details. In fact, he turned and retreated back down the stairs before Hailey could verify that she had received the message.

So she made a note of where she was in the arrest report she was reading and followed him down to the lobby. And there was a man standing tentatively at the base of the stairs, but Hailey had no idea who he was. And as she approached him, he gave no indication that he recognized her, either.

“Can I help you?”

The man furrowed his brow and answered, “I’m sorry, I think there’s been some confusion; I was looking for Detective Halstead.”

Hailey turned and raised an eyebrow to Blackstone as he resumed his perch at the desk.

“What?” he asked with a nonchalant shrug. “You’re the closest thing we got anymore.”

Hailey gave an exasperated shake of her head before she turned back to this guy, curious now what his connection was to Jay. And what he wanted from him. He had given her contact info to some of his CIs when he left the country, and the few times they had reached out to her, things didn’t go so well.

“I’m sorry,” she explained, “Detective Halstead doesn’t work here anymore. But I can get a message to him, or if you want to leave a name and phone number, I can have him get in touch with you.”

The man let out a breath, and a smile that could almost be described as a smirk appeared out of the corner of his mouth. It was then, once Hailey verified that she could connect this guy with Jay and he allowed himself to relax, that she realized that she did recognize this man.

His photo had been on her refrigerator for years.

“Wait a minute, I know you. You’re one of his army buddies. Mouse, right?”

He nodded and ran a hand awkwardly over the back of his neck. “Yeah, that’s me,” he chuckled. “Mostly go by Greg these days.”

“Nice to meet you, Greg.” Hailey stuck out her hand. She had heard enough about him to know that she and Jay both owed him a lot, and she was truly happy to be meeting him after so long. “I’m Hailey. Does Jay know you’re in town?”

Greg returned the handshake and said, “No, actually. That’s why I’m here. I, uh, well… Let’s just say I lost his contact info during my last deployment. And while I’m confident I could retrieve it myself, I’m trying really hard to stay on the right side of the law these days, so I figured stopping by the ol’ 21st district would probably be a good place to start.”

“For sure,” Hailey said, pulling out her phone and tapping out a brief message. “Here, actually, why don’t you step in here?”

He followed her into the meeting room where they could find a modicum of privacy in the busy police station, something she assumed they would need if Jay replied to her message the way she hoped. “So,” Greg asked, hands in his pockets, “how exactly do you and Jay know each other? Sounds like as a little bit more than former coworkers?”

She couldn’t help but smile at his insinuation as she glanced up from her phone. But instead of giving this near-stranger any more gratification with sordid details, Hailey simply held up her left hand and let her wedding ring do the talking.

“What, for real? I mean, I know I was out of touch, but married? I would have thought I would at least heard something about that over Facebook, at the very least.”

“Oh, no,” Hailey corrected him, unable to contain her laughter at the idea of either of them making a big deal of their nuptials on social media. “It wasn’t like that at all. Just a city hall deal. We didn’t invite or tell anyone. There were no save the dates, no wedding party, no honeymoon. There wasn’t really anything for you to miss.”

But before she could go into further detail, her phone erupted with a FaceTime notification, so she held up a finger to Greg while she answered.

“Hey, everything okay?” Jay asked, and Hailey internally berated herself for making her texts sound too urgent.

“Nope, all good,” she said as his face came into clearer focus. She could spot the trademark metal of a few lockers as his backdrop, so she hoped that meant that she hadn’t pulled him away from something too important. “In fact, I have someone who wants to talk to you. Is now a good time?”

“Aw, is Ruze feeling homesick for me again?”

In response, Hailey just handed the phone to Greg. She figured he could explain his presence better than she could. “No,” he said as the phone switched hands, “but I’ve been missing you something awful.”

“Are you kidding me?” she heard him exclaim through the phone. “What are … You’re back in the city? Are you working at the district again?”

He had worked there? Jay never mentioned Mouse being a fellow cop.

“Yes, I’m back, but I’m not working here. I just stopped by in the hopes of running into you. Seems I ran into your wife instead. Although she tells me you never even took her on a honeymoon; what’s up with that, Halstead? You still as cheap a bastard as always?”

“Hey. I wanted to do it the traditional way, but things were a little complicated when we got married. It’s a long story. We got lots to catch up on, buddy. How long are you in town?”

“For a while,” Greg answered. “Maybe for good. Maybe we can meet up for a beer tonight and I can tell you all about it.”

“Sounds awesome. You cool with that, Hails?”

“Jay.” She scooted over so she was in the camera frame, too. “You’re going to make your friend think I’m some kind of overbearing shrew that you have to ask for permission to hang out with your buddies.”

“Or we’re going to make him think that we’re the kind of couple who admires and respects each other enough to check in before deviating from established plans.”

“We don’t have plans.”

“Sure we do. I was going to make wings tonight.”

“Wings?” Greg piped in. “What time should I come over?”

Hailey elbowed him to get him out of her space, laughing at how easily and quickly this friend of Jay’s ingratiated himself to her. “Wings can wait until tomorrow. It sounds like it will do you both some good to catch up with each other. I’ll give him your number, Jay, all right?”

They had to end the call soon after, considering that two of the three of them were on the clock and supposed to be working. Hailey was about to show Greg out when she remembered something Jay had mentioned.

“You used to work here?”

“For a minute, yeah. It was kind of instrumental in helping me get my life back on track. I went from being a CI to a city employee.”

“So you’re not a cop?”

“No. No, no, no, no,” Greg answered, scoffing at the idea. “Civilian tech advisor. But I still got to help catch bad guys. Wasn’t the worst job I ever had.”

Hailey looked over her shoulder up the stairs. “Want to come up and say hi? You must have had some overlap with some of the others on the team.”

He squinted and said, “Not today. Can’t afford to go too far down memory lane just yet.” And he didn’t need to elaborate for Hailey to understand exactly what he was saying.

“But hey,” Greg said, “tell me, does Sergeant Platt still work here?”

“Does she ever. Just has the day off today.”

Greg nodded in understanding as he moved toward the door. “I owe a lot to that woman.”

And that was yet another sentiment that Hailey felt with her whole being. “I think we all do.”

Jay couldn’t suppress his grin upon seeing his old friend for the first time in years. They had agreed to meet at a low key bar, one more suitable for catching up than Molly’s would have been. So he didn’t feel any need to hold back when Mouse hopped off the bar stool and threw his arms around him. It might have felt awkward in a place where people knew them both. But here, where they were just two random guys hugging it out, Jay could dispense with any self-consciousness as he embraced his friend.

“It’s good to see you, man,” he managed to get out once they broke apart, the back of his throat thick with emotion.

“You, too,” Mouse said, slapping him on the shoulder. “You look good. Marriage suits you.”

Jay climbed onto a vacant stool. “Ha ha. So I guess we’re just diving right in, huh?”

“I mean, it’s kind of hard to ignore, right? I met your wife today. Your wife.”

“I know,” Jay said, grinning in spite of himself, “I can hardly believe it myself most days. She’s great. But what about you? Is there a Mrs. Mouse out there who drew you back to Chicago?”

Mouse got the attention of the bartender and they ordered some drinks before he answered. “Uh, no. I mean, there is a girl. But we’re not serious, and I didn’t meet her until after I came home.”

“How long have you been back?”

“A few months. I, uh… I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but I had some difficulties transitioning at first when my tour ended.”

Jay dropped his hand on Mouse’s neck. “I’m not surprised. I’m also not judging. I’ve actually been fighting my own battles with that lately.”

“Still?”

A vodka soda was placed in front of him. “Again,” he muttered before knocking a sip back.

Mouse sputtered on his own drink. “What?”

He gave a halfhearted laugh as he fiddled with the rim of his glass. “I told you we had a lot to catch up on. You want to go first?”

“No, that’s all right,” Mouse answered. “My blanks are pretty easy to fill in. But you’ve got me really intrigued. Marriage and reenlistment? There’s a story there.”

“Well, I didn’t reenlist. Not technically. But I did sign on to go to Bolivia with a joint task force. I thought it was going to be different. More empowering going of my own accord than because the military told me to. But it wasn’t.” He took another sip of his beverage.

“Was that before or after the wedding?”

“After. And honestly, the wedding wasn’t nearly as scandalous as you’re picturing. Marrying Hailey was probably the least controversial thing I’ve ever done. She transferred to the 21st not too long after you left, and we just clicked. We were platonic for a long time, but we’ve always been good partners. So none of it was ever noteworthy, you know? We were so close that by the time we were both ready to admit that there was something there, that it seemed silly to announce it. So we didn’t. Not when we made it official. Not the engagement. Not the marriage. Although,” Jay turned to regard his friend, “I’m not sure you would have heard the announcement if there had been one. If I recall correctly, your number went out of service a while ago.”

Mouse cleared his throat. “Yeah, um, I had a bit of a spiral about a year in. It was messy, and I deleted all my contacts. Changed my iCloud and everything. I knew it was drastic, but I kept my Facebook and WhatsApp for emergencies.”

“What happened? And what changed now?”

He shrugged. “You know. The structure and regimen are one thing. But when you find yourself on the other side of the world, all of your identities get stripped away except for soldier. And you have to convince yourself that’s the only thing that matters. If you try to hold too hard onto your humanity over there, you risk losing it. I guess you could say I just tucked mine away until later.” He took a swig of his beer. “And now I’m trying it back on again.”

“I’m glad you’re here. And I’m glad you reached out. But I am surprised you couldn’t hack your own account to restore all your lost contacts.”

“Oh, that would have been easy. But I didn’t want to get comfortable stepping back into that world. Trying to keep things legal. Besides, there weren’t too many people that I missed. Didn’t see much reason in trying to reconnect with people who aren’t part of my life anymore.”

“Greg, I’m sorry. I tried reaching out-“

Mouse waved him off. “I didn’t mean you, Jay. We already established that I made the first move to lose contact. That’s why I’m here. Trying to correct that mistake.”

Jay rolled that explanation around in his head before nodding his understanding. “And you’re doing okay, staying on the straight and narrow? No more drugs, no more spiraling?”

“Well, it’s not been easy, necessarily. But I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet.”

“If you want, you could come to this support group I’ve been attending. It’s more helpful than I thought it would be.”

Greg smiled. “Yes, let’s get back to you. You said something about running off to Bolivia alone instead of going on a honeymoon with your wife?”

“Oh, it’s even worse than that, Mouse.” His friend stopped laughing when he realized he was serious. “I joined up without asking her. Gave her about a 90-minute heads up before I had to be at the airport. So, yeah, I guess you could say that I was experiencing my own sort of spiral.”

“What possessed you to do that?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last year. Because it was so dumb. I really hurt my wife, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that our marriage lasted through that. Hailey paid the bulk of the price, so now… I’m just trying to make up for it. Doing my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Sheesh,” Mouse let out a slow breath. “I’m trying to imagine how mixed up you must have been to leave a woman like Hailey. She seems great.”

“She is,” Jay agreed. “She’s the best. But friendly reminder: she’s married. And also, didn’t you say you had a young lady friend of your own?”

“Sure did. Also great, though we’re still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase. Her name is Katelyn. And if things start to get serious, maybe you can meet her.”

“Fair enough.” Jay held out his drink for a toast. Once their glasses had clinked together and he washed down the last of his vodka soda, he added, “Now, where did we land on that support group? You going to come with me sometime?”

“I don’t know. Are you going to take your wife on a proper honeymoon?”

Jay gave Greg a questioning look. “Those two things are not at all related.”

But Mouse just shrugged. “I’ve named my terms. Take it or leave it.”

An unexpected night to herself plus getting out of work at a reasonable time meant that Hailey had a few open, uninterrupted hours ahead of her. Long gone were the days where she would view that as a perfect excuse to open a bottle of whiskey and allow herself to escape for a spell. That didn’t mean that the urge didn’t still strike her, though. But, as she tossed her work bag down and pulled off her boots, Hailey talked herself into adopting a slightly more productive version. So she pulled up a podcast on her phone, poured a sensible amount of wine into a glass, and got to work dusting the apartment.

It wasn’t quite the same, but it was still a way to lose herself in another world for a short time. One that she actually would have something positive to show for it when she extracted herself back to reality.

It took a while, though, working her way through the whole apartment, then moving on to the floors while she still had the momentum behind her. Once she was satisfied, she switched from the podcast to her meditation playlist and decided to do a little yoga.

She was out of practice. It had been quite some time since she last moved her body through the poses, and her flexibility had suffered as a result. Hailey was disappointed in herself, that she hadn’t stuck with it, especially since that was one thing her medical team encouraged her to do. But, the truth of the matter was that she didn’t feel the need so much anymore. She had never given much thought to whether or not she actually liked doing yoga; she had just committed herself to it all those years ago because it was one of the only ways she could trick her body into relaxing.

Hailey wiped the sweat away from her forehead with the back of her arm as she moved out of dolphin pose. How many years had she been holding onto that tension without even realizing it? It’s no wonder she had finally snapped like a rubber band that had been pulled too tight.

She was done with yoga for tonight. Her cleaning spree had already given her a bit of a workout, and there were other means of rest that sounded more appealing. A hot shower and a turkey sandwich later, she was curled up in the corner of their couch with a book when Jay came home.

“Hey,” he called, sounding surprised to see her, “you still up?”

“How late do you think it is, Jay?”

He glanced at the illuminated numbers on their microwave and then laughed at himself. “Later than it is, that’s for sure. I guess that’s a sign I’m getting old?” He leaned over to give her a light kiss before settling beside her on the sofa.

She stretched her legs out onto his lap and answered, “Or just that you’ve had a long day. Did you and Greg have a good time?”

“Yeah. Greg,” he snorted. “Sounds so weird hearing you call him that.”

“That’s what he asked me to call him.”

Jay nodded and leaned his head back onto the cushion. “I guess I can understand why. Lord knows I hate the nicknames they came up with for me over there. And it sounds like he’s really trying to distance himself from who he was overseas. But he’s just always been Mouse, you know? It’s going to take some getting used to.”

Hailey ran her fingers through her husband’s hair, both of them content to just sit and be with each other.

“He likes you,” Jay went on. “Not that I’m surprised. But he seems fixated on the idea that we never went on a honeymoon. Like I failed you as a husband, right out of the gate.”

“That’s stupid. It’s not like we could just pick up and leave; we had work the next day.”

“Right? He just doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Welllll,” she began, “I mean… he’s not completely off base. My understanding is that most engaged couples, you know… plan ahead. Spend a little time thinking about and preparing for the wedding, and the honeymoon. I think some of them even request time off work for the whole thing.”

Her teasing was wasted on Jay, though, because he was quite sincere when he asked, “Do you wish that’s what we had done?”

“Of course not! When exactly were we going to plan a wedding? In the midst of being investigated by the FBI? And who would we even invite? And the idea of picking out a dress and spending all sorts of time and money for one day just for everyone - anyone - we know to watch me walk down the aisle…” She shuddered. “No. Absolutely not. Zero regrets… Do you regret it?” she added as an afterthought.

His reply wasn’t as fast as hers. “No. I think you’re right, that ultimately what we did was more our style. But I do think… if my mom were still around, I probably would’ve wanted a wedding for her sake. And it just makes me curious if you feel that way at all.”

“I don’t. I actually kind of love that no one else was around when we said our vows. It wasn’t about a pretty dress or the perfect venue or feeling like royalty for the day. There was nothing performative about it. It was just you and me and the promises we were making to each other. It felt sacred, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, Jay Halstead.”

She thought he might kiss her upon hearing her admission, but his eyes stayed fixed on hers, dancing with admiration and the reflection of her reading lamp and the tiniest haze leftover from his evening out. “All right,” he declared at last, “no regrets about the wedding. You don’t feel like you missed out on a honeymoon?”

Hailey thought about that one, but still came up empty when it came to a worthwhile response. She gave a helpless shrug. “Where would we even go?”

“Oh, please, Hails,” he practically scoffed at her, “that part’s easy. Hawaii. Paris. Greece. Our old cabin up in Wisconsin. There is no shortage of places we can go to find adventure. The real question is, are you willing to go?”

“Are you serious? You’re going to let a bit of ribbing from some guy you haven’t seen in years bother you enough to really pressure me into this? I mean, we’re nearing our second anniversary; I feel like the honeymoon ship has sailed.”

“I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, Hailey. And if you’re really adamant about avoiding any traditional aspects of wedding culture, then we can stop using the H word. But surely you don’t have any objections to taking a trip together? I don’t mean right now, but maybe it’s something worth thinking about.”

Hailey set her book down and stood. When she reached for the blanket she had been using, Jay quickly grabbed the opposite corners and helped her fold it. Once it was draped neatly back over the sofa, she said, “No, I’m not opposed to taking a trip with you. It just seems kind of weird that it’s such a big deal to you now all of a sudden. And also, practically speaking, I was away from work for over a month. I don’t have a ton of furlough to use at the moment.”

“That’s true. But we wouldn’t necessarily need too much time off, depending on what we decided to do.” He yawned and reached his arms over his head in a massive stretch. “It’s just… I don’t know, Hails. It feels like something we could both use. A vacation, yes, but also, something positive to symbolize our commitment. It feels like we’ve been starting over, in a lot of ways, since I came home. I think it could be nice to celebrate how far we’ve come.”

Hailey took the few steps to close the distance between them and settled into his chest. “And what happens when we have even more to celebrate next year? This could become a very expensive habit.”

“You know that some people go on vacation every year… you know that, right?”

She laughed into his shirt. “Not people who work in Intelligence.”

“Good thing I don’t work in Intelligence anymore. And I’m going to make sure you don’t get sucked too far into that cesspool again.” His voice was as gentle as a lamb, but the words he spoke still stung. “Don’t forget how all this started in the first place, Hailey. It’s a job, not a way of life. And it’s never going to be able to give you back everything you’re pouring into it.”

He went to pull away, probably wanting to analyze her face to see how she was responding to his admonishment. But she kept her arms firmly clasped around him, uncertain how this conversation took such a turn. Maybe she should have just agreed to a honeymoon and avoided all the underlying conjecture. “I’ll think about it,” she murmured once she was sure she had full command of her voice.

“That’s all I ask,” Jay answered. Then he kissed the top of her head and persuaded her to come to bed.

Chapter Text

“How come you never ask me about Garrett?”

“What?” was the only thing close to an intelligible response that Jay could get out.

“Garrett. My old partner. You never ask me anything about him.”

It was Wednesday evening, and the two of them had taken advantage of a HIIT class at the gym. Working out together was supposed to be one of the new things they were trying to do regularly, but there always seemed to be at least one good excuse for the gym to be pushed to the bottom of the list. But tonight, they had both gotten off work in time, so they had spent an hour sweating alongside each other. But the intensity of the exercises plus the group setting meant that they didn’t have much chance to talk. But Hailey evidently had something on her mind, so she was bringing it up now, as they loaded up in the truck to go home.

How she had made the connection between burpees and her old partner, Jay had no idea. He supposed his wife’s mind was a wondrous and often confusing place.

“I know who you meant. I just…,” he started, “I know that’s a sensitive topic for you, Hailey. I’m not in the habit of grilling you about painful things. Why? You can talk about him, if you want. If it helps you, go for it.”

Hailey took a large gulp of her coconut water as she settled in the passenger seat. “Do you remember the first time you asked me about him?”

Jay started the ignition and backed out of his spot. “I remember the only time I asked about him. You were way too deep in a personal case, and too stubborn to listen when anyone tried to tell you that you were too close.” He paused to examine the flow of traffic before pulling out into the road. “Even after we got Booth, I was worried about you. I was scared I was going to send you over the edge if I pushed too hard.”

“You asked me if I loved him.” Her voice was void of emotion, and Jay had no idea where this was coming from or where it was going.

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have.”

Her reply took longer than he expected. “Why not?”

He rolled his shoulder a little; it was already feeling stiff. “Because I knew the answer already. And I’m not sure what there was to gain by making you say so out loud.”

The next several blocks passed by in silence. Hailey took another sip of her drink and then offered him the rest. And only once he took the proffered beverage did she ask, “And that never bothered you? That I apparently have a tendency to develop feelings for my partner?”

“Are you trying to tell me that I’m just Garrett’s replacement?” he asked, only a tiny bit serious.

“No,” she answered, leaning back against the headrest and closing her eyes, “I’m trying to say that I think it’s a bit odd that you’ve never been bothered by that pattern. If you even noticed it.”

Jay opened and closed his mouth a few times before he landed on something to say. “I don’t exactly think pattern is the correct word. Unless you had a lot of previous relationships you’ve never shared with me. And even between us two, I don’t think things were all that similar. I mean, the two of you never dated, did you?”

“Not officially, no. We just spent nearly every waking minute together. Learned each other’s habits and knew each other so well that going undercover as a couple was easy. A little too easy. Trusted each other in a way that we didn’t with anyone else.”

“That does sound a little familiar,” Jay admitted. “What are you trying to say, Hailey?”

“I was talking about my dad yesterday in therapy. And some of the stuff that came up… Well, I sort of realized how my attachment style was influenced by him. How I’m basically like a kicked puppy who throws myself at any guy who makes me feel safe.”

And Jay couldn’t help it; he laughed. “I’m sorry, Hailey, I know you’re making a very serious point. But the idea that you threw yourself at me is genuinely laughable. We were… well, whatever we were for years before you admitted your feelings to me.” He took his eyes off the road long enough to take her in, but she wasn’t laughing at all. In fact, the way she was staring down at her lap made him suspect she was close to tears. But before he could backtrack, she spoke up.

“But that’s part of it, too,” she explained. “I was pretty sure you felt the same way, but it took me a billion years before I felt confident enough to do anything with it. I was too scared to rock the boat or ruin a good thing. Even when I knew you were a good man. Even when I knew that you wouldn’t hurt me. Because I had just been programmed for so long to expect the worst. That love was conditional, and safety was temporary.”

Jay was thrown by the turn this conversation had taken, and the way Hailey was curling in on herself told him he needed to change his approach. He turned the truck into an empty alley and put it in park, giving all his attention to his wife. She looked up once the motion of the vehicle stopped, but said nothing more.

“So what does all this have to do with Garrett?” he asked quietly. “Are you thinking you would have ended up with him if things had gone differently?”

“It seems like I might have. That’s what I’m confused about, Jay. I guess I’m wondering if I even know the difference between love and someone just treating me like a decent human being.”

“And I’m supposed to be upset by that?” he clarified.

She sighed and ran a hand down her face. He reached out to grab it before her fingers could do any damage. “Not upset, necessarily,” she replied. “But, I don’t know, curious at the very least? That it’s possible that our circumstances were the only thing that brought us together.”

“Yeah, I just don’t think I care so much about that. That’s probably true for most people. I think humans are wired to seek out connection, so we manage to find that in our respective circles, whatever they are. You got close to your partner. And I dated Erin. And a CI. Hell, I married Abby when I barely knew her just because we had a shared trauma. But circumstances kept any of those relationships from being long term for us. And, you know, maybe, as embarrassed as I am about my disastrous dating history, I like to think that it served some purpose. That each relationship taught me something, helped to prepare me for when I would meet my true soulmate.”

He tried to make out Hailey’s expression before he went on, but she wasn’t giving away much from the little he could see in the dim alleyway. But he pressed on. “So, maybe that’s true for you, too. I don’t want to assume anything about Garrett, or your relationship with him. But I’ll tell you one thing: I am grateful for him. No matter what exactly he meant to you, I’m never going to think ill of another guy when the only thing I do know about him is that he made you feel safe. That he protected you when no one else could. You know, maybe he was your one and I’m just the consolation prize. Or maybe he was the first one to chip away at your walls, and show you that love doesn’t always feel like a prison. And I am being totally sincere when I tell you that I don’t care which one it is. Because either way, our circumstances have led us here. To where I have the chance to love you. And where you have figured out how to accept that for what it is, despite what you were conditioned to believe as a kid.”

“I don’t see you that way,” she said quietly. “As a consolation prize. You are my one, and maybe you’re on to something when you say that he helped me get to a place where I was even open to being loved. He was an important part of my story. But I still am just kind of stuck on what that says about me. How easily I latch onto people who give me the bare minimum. And it’s not even just romantically. It’s with authority figures, too. It just makes me feel… god, I hate this phrase, but it makes me feel like damaged goods. Like the only reason people keep me around is because they know my expectations are so low that I’m easy to manipulate. Or they just feel sorry for me.”

“You think that about me?” Jay asked incredulously.

She shook her head. “I don’t think it, I feel it. I recognize the difference, and I’m aware that means it’s probably totally bogus. But also, I don’t really know what to do with it.” She swiped a finger under her eye. “Is there any of that coconut water left?”

“Forget coconut water,” Jay answered, even though he handed her the bottle before putting the truck back in gear. “We’re going to get slushies.”

“We don’t need slushies, Jay; that’s going to cancel out the workout we just did.”

“Yeah, I don’t care about that either. This conversation calls for slushies.”

Nothing else was said while he maneuvered the truck through the streets in his effort to find a place selling slushies in December. 

“I don’t think that about you,” Hailey repeated, voice stronger now. “I think you and I are connected in a way that’s deeper than the average laws of attraction. But I do wonder if part of what you saw in me, initially, all those years ago, was the broken part. And your chivalry took over and you were attracted to me because you thought I needed saving.”

“And so what if I was, Hailey?” he asked, unable to stop from throwing up his hands and showing his exasperation. “Does that make it less genuine? Less meaningful? Do you think only certain types of attraction can blossom into love?”

“That’s not what I’m saying!”

“Good. Because I tell you what: maybe you don’t remember, but you were anything besides a damsel in distress back then. You were busting balls and taking names, Hail. And yes, that was freaking attractive. It was a long time before I ever saw a crack in that veneer you had so perfectly crafted. And while I wouldn’t exactly call that a turn-on, it only endeared you to me even more.” He rubbed his hand across his chin as he pulled into the fast food joint. “You’re a complex person, Hailey. I fell in love with all of your facets, not just a single part. You want strawberry?”

Her eyes shifted back and forth as she registered the abrupt change in subject. “Lemonade,” she answered after a beat.

Once he placed their order at the drive-thru window, Jay said, “I’m sorry. I think I came on a little strong. I just don’t understand what you’re hoping to accomplish with this conversation.”

“I guess maybe I should have prefaced everything by saying that it feels like a problem with me, not you. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.”

“You can accuse me of buying you a delicious slushie,” he said as the employee handed over their cups.

“Right.” She smiled at him for the first time since they left the gym. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He held his drink towards her for a toast before he peeled back out of the parking lot. “And yeah, you kind of threw me for a loop, there. I wasn’t really sure what you were getting at.”

“I think I just needed to process some of that stuff out loud,” she explained. “It’s important for me to feel like my value to you is based on something more than just my vulnerability. That I have a lot more to offer. That I’m still worthy of your love and attention, even when I don’t need to be rescued all the time. And maybe I was looking for a little reassurance from you, too.”

“How’d I do?”

Now it was her turn to laugh at him.

“Listen, Hailey,” he started, “all that stuff you were saying, about confusing love with basic human decency… I think it’s normal, considering your upbringing, and I don’t think it says anything bad about you. But I also think you’re far too smart and defensive for that to be the only deciding factor about who you would date. Who you would fall in love with. And I’m glad that you allowed yourself to take that risk with me. But I think we both know our foundation goes a lot deeper than that.”

She nodded, taking a long sip of her slushie as she formed her answer. “I think it’s just that, subconsciously, I’ve made being a victim a huge part of my identity since I was a little girl. And then I learned to overcompensate for that. I’m trying to figure out how to be comfortable somewhere in the middle. Because I think that’s the only way I’m going to be able to really let go of that victim mentality. It’s kind of scary when it still feels like losing part of who I am. I guess… I don’t know. I guess I just want to make sure you still love Average Hailey before I can let those other pieces go.”

“Ah,” Jay said, finally gaining some clarity about the need Hailey was expressing with this line of questioning. “Well, I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I love every version of you. How does that children’s book go? When you’re mad, when you’re glad, when you’re sad. All of it.”

“What book is that?”

“I don’t know. I feel like it’s something my mom used to read to us when we were really little. Or maybe she made it up. Either way, the sentiment stands.” He cleared his throat. “You’re allowed to be whoever you are, whoever you need to be. And I’m just happy that you’re talking to me about this, Hailey. I think it’s a good sign that we can have these awkward conversations that don’t really have any good solutions. That we can work through those confusing parts together.”

She nodded, and the brightness in her eyes convinced him it was because her throat was full. “Yeah,” she agreed after a moment, “I’m not sure I would have had the courage to bring this up a year ago. Not sure I would have had the patience to even realize it about myself.”

“So, you think we’re making adequate progress?”

She gave a watery laugh to his question. “Considering that we celebrated our first anniversary on separate continents, yeah, I think we’re moving in the right direction.”

“Yeah, our second is rapidly approaching, isn’t it? About that…” Now it was his turn to be uncomfortable. “I’ve been thinking about what we could do to celebrate, but you never struck me as a big anniversary celebration type girl. Do you want an exciting night out on the town, or a cozy night in?”

“What makes you think I haven’t already been planning something?”

He cracked a smile at her as he answered. “Because you’ve been super busy at work. Because you’re terrible with dates. Because your idea of a fun night usually involves little more than bourbon and a book. And because I know that our wedding anniversary is bittersweet for both of us. I think it makes more sense to do something small and meaningful. And I would be very surprised to discover that you disagreed.”

Her indignation was on full display when she replied, “I’ll have you know, Jay Halstead, that I have been thinking about it.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. I looked back at my past time cards to calculate the probability that I would be off work in time for us to do something. And then I googled all the sushi places near the district to see which one had the cheapest delivery options for when I inevitably have to dine alone that night.”

“So… by planning, you mean ‘preparing for the worst?’”

“Luck favors the prepared, Jay. Besides, you have your support group that night. I figured it just made more sense for us to plan something over the weekend.”

“You’re right,” he agreed, turning into their garage, “but let it be known that I will happily forego one week of support group to spend my wedding anniversary with you.”

“I know you would, Jay, but I’m not going to ask you to. It’s important to you, and if it’s helping you, then it’s helping us. We’ll still be married on Saturday.”

Jay pulled into his designated spot and killed the engine. “So, are you telling me you have something planned for the day after our anniversary?”

“Nothing set in stone,” she verified. “Although, you weren’t wrong with that bourbon and book suggestion. I could go for that.”

“Get out of here.” He gave her a playful shove. “Go upstairs and take a shower, you’re all sweaty.”

“You’re pretty grimy yourself,” she noted, eyeing the sheen that still glistened on his skin. “Care to join me?”

“If you insist.”

“I know what we should do about our anniversary,” Hailey declared as she wrung a towel through her wet hair. “We need to five-three-one this situation.”

“What does that mean?” Jay asked.

“It’s something my mom used to do when we were little. It’s a way to make sure everyone involved in making a decision gets to have input. So, the first person gets to pick five things they want to do. Then the second person narrows those five down to three, and the last person chooses one of those three. It really cut down on sibling squabbles, but my roommate from college and I would use it when we couldn’t decide what movie we wanted to watch. It’s surprisingly effective.”

“Okay,” Jay replied, pulling their foam roller from the closet shelf and settling it under his thigh, “so, one of us has to come up with five things we would be okay with doing to celebrate our anniversary?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, well, we already have staying home in the running-”

She interrupted him, “But it only works if it’s something you really want to do. We need five viable, realistic options.”

He rolled back and forth on his hamstring a few times before he responded. “Well, I think a quiet night at home has its merits, but I think we should forego the takeout and instead make something together.”

“Wait, hold on.” Hailey wrapped her hair up in the towel and then flopped on her stomach on the bed to grab her phone. She muttered to herself as she typed, “‘Cooking at home.’ Okay, what else?”

“Blackhawks game. Um… a skeeball tournament at Dave and Buster’s.” He shifted the roller to his other leg. “Maybe one of those art classes where they give you wine and walk you through the steps to make your own painting.”

Hailey looked up from her phone. “That’s something you would want to do?”

He just shrugged at her. “Could be fun. And if it’s not, at least there’s wine.”

“Never would have guessed that about you. Good to know. And, for option number five?”

“I think I’m going to go with a classic. Nice dinner out, and then a romantic walk under the stars.” He stood, not without a little resistance from his sore muscles, and joined her on the bed to peruse his finalized list.

She handed him her phone to check his work. “Are you satisfied with your selections? Ready to lock them in?”

“Yep.” He pressed a kiss into her shoulder and gave her back the phone. “I would be thrilled with any one of those to commemorate two years of the best decision I ever made. So now you pick three?”

“Mm-hmm. But not yet. I’m going to need a little time to think about it.” She leaned into him, the dampness from her towel cool on his bare skin. “I should have an answer for you by tomorrow.”

“Okay, but don’t wait too long, because I’m pretty sure a few of those things require at least a tiny bit of forethought and planning.”

“Noted.” Jay felt her fingers crawling up the front of his torso as she answered. “Anything will be better than last year.”

He flipped over onto his back and extended an arm to his wife. She pulled the towel off before resting her head on his chest, her wet and unruly hair falling every which way. “How did you spend our first anniversary?” Hailey mumbled into his ribcage.

“Missing you,” he answered immediately. “And also trying desperately to remember everything I learned in high school Spanish, because we had found this guy that was doing mechanical work for one of the minor cartels, and the idea was to do a little UC work as recon so as not to show our hand. But the problem was that none of our bilingual guys had the experience in mechanics to be convincing. So we were trying to hobble something together before we lost our window of opportunity. And then it was all for nothing, because headquarters pulled us off of that target, like, two days later. Why, what did you do? Do I want to know?”

“That was right when we were wrapping up the Sean O’Neal case,” she admitted after a moment. “I spent the day giving my statement to the ASA about twelve times, and I think there was a trip to the morgue? At least I can say I was sufficiently distracted.”

“So,” Jay concluded, brushing a disheveled strand away from her face, “what I’m hearing you say is that we should be able to top it this year, easily.”

“I really hope so. Less sadness. Fewer distractions. And hopefully fewer murder-suicides.”

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we should have a goal to avoid crime scenes of any kind.”

Hailey offered him half of a smile. “Do you really think that’s feasible for us?”

“If we push our official celebration back to Saturday, then sure. If you’re counting the actual day while we’re both on the clock, then all bets are off.”

“I don’t know,” she murmured, tracing her finger up and down his chest. “If we go to the hockey game, I bet we might encounter some drunk and disorderly. And I’m sure there’s some level of theft going on at every arcade in America. And who knows what we could find down by the Riverwalk?”

“What about painting? Is that going to be our least likely option of discovering a crime scene?”

Hailey scoffed. “Wine moms having their first night out in who knows how long? I wouldn’t bank on it.”

He laughed at her analysis, running his hand up and down her arm to stave off a chill. But then a yawn escaped him before he could do anything about it. Hailey propped back up on her elbows and gazed down at him.

“You’re tired,” she said, as a fact and not as a question. “Maybe HIIT after a full day of work is a bit overdoing it?”

“Nah, I’m just out of practice,” he countered.

“Did you tweak something?” She glanced over at the foam roller as if it held the answer to her question.

“I don’t think so. Just not as young as I used to be.”

Hailey dropped a brief kiss to his chest before pushing up and all the way off the bed. “We should get some sleep. I’m going to make some tea, and maybe find something to nibble on. You want some?”

“You mean the slushie I got you didn’t fill you up?” he asked incredulously.

She threw him a smirk. “Surprisingly, no, your cup of sugar water didn’t do much to help replenish all the calories I burned in that workout.”

Once she stepped out of the bedroom, Jay repositioned himself so he was the right way on his side of the bed. And maybe he was more tired than he realized, because his eyes were already falling shut by the time Hailey returned a few minutes later. She made herself comfortable in the bed, letting one hand drop softly onto his head. And the sensation of her fingernails working gentle shapes into his scalp, combined with the occasional sound of her turning a page of her book or sipping her tea, lulled him quickly off to sleep.

Chapter Text

I’m not trying to influence your decision AT ALL… but I did want to let you know that the Hawks are running a promo right now. Discounted prices for first responders (that’s us)

Oooh, that is enticing. I was prepared to eliminate that one from the running, but now you’re giving me second thoughts.

What else is on the chopping block?

Romantic dinner out. Sorry, just way too generic. And it’s too cold for most of my nice clothes.

Fair enough. So you want to paint, cook, or play skeeball?

Yeah, but I think I’ll trade cooking for the Hawks.

Okay. So your final answer is 1. Blackhawks. 2. Paint and wine. 3. Skeeball?

Yep. That’s my final answer. Now it’s all up to you. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Hailey should have known better. She knew it was unlikely that she and Jay would have much time together on their actual anniversary, but she hadn’t counted at all on being pulled out of her bed and away from him nearly the second the clock struck midnight.

She wasn’t even sure she had made it all the way to sleep yet, groggy and disoriented when she answered the phone. Hearing about a potential kidnapping sharpened her mind a little, but as she moved quickly through the apartment to get out the door and to the crime scene, she knew she was going to need a lot of extra help to get through this day.

It was a bad one. A young girl, just turned fourteen. A deadbeat dad and an emotionally immature mother engaged in a bitter custody battle for years. A questionable stepfather. Signs of abuse. Signs of neglect. Signs that everyone in this child’s life who was supposed to be looking out for her was only looking out for themselves. And there were so many people willing to talk about it, now that something bad had happened. The downstairs neighbor who heard everything. The homeroom teacher who noticed the withdrawn demeanor and wondered that the girl wore long sleeves all year round. The mom’s sister who knew that Raina wasn’t cared for in her own home.

Sure, everyone was an expert in this girl’s horrible situation now. Where the hell had they all been while she was actually suffering through it?

It didn’t help matters that no one was even sure the last time anyone saw this girl. There was a large gap between the time she got off the school bus yesterday afternoon and when her mom got home well after dark to find the apartment empty. And the fact that even Intelligence seemed to be torn over which of the two disappointing men in Raina’s life seemed to be the most likely culprit complicated things further. The mother and boyfriend were quick to point fingers at the father no one could locate, but no one was ready to dismiss them from suspicion just yet, either.

And though she didn’t mention it out loud, Hailey herself wondered if Raina perhaps decided to just remove herself from the equation without any help from her so-called parents at all. There were so many ways for a teenage girl to make herself disappear, and none of them were good.

At last, around midday, they had located Raina’s father, who of course claimed to know nothing of her whereabouts. But hearing his version of events and comparing it to everything the mom was saying at least gave the team a sense of what exactly they were dealing with. And perhaps more importantly, it gave them leverage once they separated everyone and were able to interrogate all of the parental figures armed with more information.

There was no physical evidence. The crime lab had been at the scene all morning, but so far hadn’t returned anything actionable. Raina didn’t have a phone, and her social media was sparse. The few classmates who admitted to knowing her well agreed that she was unhappy at home, but denied that she ever made any specific claims about feeling unsafe. All they had was their intuition that at least one of the three adults they had in custody knew something, and Hailey, for one, was not going to rest until Raina was found.

She was part way through her fourth cup of coffee when Voight had her tag in for Adam and Cass in the box with the dad. Jeremy Sterling. A nice enough name that reflected nothing about the man sitting before her. It seemed that their initial strategy of sending in two paternal figures to sympathize with the man wasn’t working, so Hailey didn’t bother to restrain herself much as she sat down. If the bemused, overworked father shtick didn’t rattle this guy, then maybe the angsty, only-barely-concealed fury of a woman who had had enough would trigger something within him. 

“Look, Jeremy,” she began, “we do not have time for this. Your daughter is missing. Do you understand that? You can point fingers at Danielle and Richie all you want, but none of that is helping us find her. You seem a lot more concerned about clearing your name than about Raina’s safety right now. And you have to understand how that looks to us? I’ll tell you, it’s not good.”

“I would never hurt my daughter! You said you have all our messages, right? The phone logs? Then you can see that I’ve been fighting Danielle for custody. And I know I wasn’t always the nicest about it, but you can see that everything I’ve done has been for my daughter’s wellbeing. I’ve been trying to get her out of there! And now that something bad has happened, they’re trying to pin it on me? How does that make sense?”

“The problem with that, Jeremy, is that the court documents show that your petition for custody was only filed after you were cited for almost two years of missed child support payments.” Hailey slid the form across the table to him. “And that you have done next to nothing to rectify that or to meet their requirements to show that you could provide a more stable home for Raina.”

Sterling pushed the paper back at her. “She didn’t care about any of that until Richie showed up and started causing trouble. It’s not about the money, it was about getting my daughter away from that monster. You want proof that I’m a better parent than Danielle? Look at where we are! She didn’t go missing under my watch.”

“That’s not good enough. You can blame her mother all you want, but the plain, simple fact of the matter - if what you’re saying is even true -  is that you knew your daughter was in a dangerous living situation. And there were steps you could have taken to change that, but instead you chose to do nothing. It was easier for you to stew in your own misery and blame all the world’s problems on the fact that your ex-wife left you than to man up and think about her instead of yourself.”

“I can only do so much when the system is stacked against me,” Sterling stated. “And it’s not like she’s a little girl anymore. Raina is old enough to take care of herself, and she-”

“She is a child!” Hailey slammed her hand down on the table and rose to her feet, leaning ominously over the table. “She is fourteen! Just because she’s old enough to take the bus alone does not mean she has the ability or the understanding to navigate the world by herself! But I’m sure, with parents like you, she’s been doing it for years already. That doesn’t mean she should! It doesn’t mean that you are absolved of all responsibility you have for her safety. And I don’t care what this investigation turns up; even if you weren’t directly involved in her disappearance, make no mistake, Mr. Sterling: you are responsible for this. And even if a court of law doesn’t hold you accountable, we all know that you are at fault here.”

A knock on the door only barely registered in her subconscious. She kept going. “Men like you think you are invincible. Doing the bare minimum, just making sure that all appearances point to you being an upstanding guy. But the minute your marriage fell apart, you washed your hands of your daughter, too-”

“Detective Upton!”

“I’m almost done.”

“No,” Voight’s tone was sharp enough to finally break through her laser focus, “you are done.”

It was a challenge, to tear her eyes away from the pitiful man sitting before her and turn them towards her boss in the doorway. She wanted to protest, to make her case - clearly she was getting through to this guy. But these debates were not to be had in front of the suspect, so, with great effort, Hailey gathered up the papers that had somehow been scattered across the table, placed them in the folder, slammed it shut, and left the interrogation room. But before she could make her case, Voight gave her a single directive.

“Take a break, Hailey.”

“Sarge, I was getting somewhere with him! No man with a teenage daughter can keep himself from-”

“I don’t care. Take a break.”

Hailey forced herself to take a deep breath before looking her boss in the eye. “I’m fine.”

“Take. A. Break.” And this time, he didn’t even give her a chance to answer back, turning into the interrogation room himself and closing the door behind him.

The seething rage that she had only just been suppressing was screaming for an immediate outlet, so the only sensible thing for Hailey to do was to escape to the locker room and give the unforgiving metal a few good slams with her fists. And once the pain from the contact finally registered to her brain, she abandoned that and began to pace restlessly through the room, hands clasped on her head as she fought to stave off a headache.

“Hailey?” It was Kim who had been brave enough to step in and check on her.

Her reply was instant. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“I know,” she admitted, with a slow exhale, “but I’m not unstable. I’m just pissed off!” She opened her eyes as she turned back towards the doorway. Burgess wasn’t alone; a concerned Adam was right behind her. And neither of them needed to be worrying about her at a time like this. “I promise. Just give me a little time to cool off. Get back in there and get these guys to tell you where Raina is.”

Adam did as she said, giving a pointed look to Kim before leaving the two women alone. Hailey continued to pace, though much less frantically than she had been, while Kim settled herself on a bench, absentmindedly rubbing her hand over her nearly imperceptible baby bump. “Do you want to talk about it?” she offered.

“What is there to talk about? There’s a missing girl, and every adult in her life seems more concerned with exonerating themselves than with, you know, actually finding her. And Sarge is wasting time by coddling me, all because cases like this just push my buttons. As if I can’t be a little bit triggered and also do my job effectively. And clearly, he still doesn’t trust me, not like he used to, at least. And every time I’m reminded of how different things are since I got committed, it makes me wonder if it was even worth it. And I know it was, because admitting you have a problem is the first step, or whatever, but sometimes I absolutely hate what acknowledging my problems has done to my life.” For someone who claimed there wasn’t much to say, Hailey sure was finding a lot to talk about, and she couldn’t stop herself now that the ball was rolling. “And today is our wedding anniversary, and we made a big deal about how it would be the first one we spent together, but now it’s really looking like I might actually go the whole day without even speaking to Jay. And it would be worth it, if I had any hope for a good outcome in this case. But I don’t. Even if we find Raina unscathed, there is no happy ending for her.”

And upon admitting her real struggle in facing a case like this, all of Hailey’s restless energy disappeared, and she dropped to the bench next to Kim with a defeated sigh. And to her credit, Burgess didn’t say much. But just having someone sit with her as she aired out her feelings made them a little less tricky to swallow.

She was starting to feel more in control when Voight showed up again. “How’re you doing, Upton?”

“I’m solid. Ready for round two with Sterling.”

She rose to her feet, but Voight held out a hand to stop her.

“He is no longer our main suspect. Kev just got a call from the crime lab; they found stepdad’s DNA on Raina’s bedsheets.”

Hailey’s insides deflated, but she kept it from showing on her face. “Fine. I’ll take a run at him, then.”

“That’s not happening, Hailey,” Voight said bluntly.

“Why not?” she challenged. “I might have had my issues growing up, but that’s one thing I was spared from. You don’t have to worry about me letting him get under my skin.”

“It’s not just that. Torres and Atwater have made good progress with him, and now that we have some actual evidence, I think they’ll be able to get him to talk. I want you to go home and get a few hours of rest. If we haven’t made any headway by this evening, I’ll call you back in.”

“Sarge-”

“Upton. This is not a debate. You’ve been up all night.”

She narrowed her eyes. “So has everyone else.”

“I’m not arguing with you, Hailey. That was one of the conditions you agreed to when you decided to come back to work. You don’t have to like my decision; you don’t have to understand it. But I am not wasting my time justifying myself to you when we have a missing kid. And the more pushback you give me, the less convinced I am that you are fit to be here. You’re just proving to me and everyone in the vicinity that you are too close to this. And if you’re unable to step away yourself, then I’m going to do it for you. Every time.”

Hailey felt her cheeks and the tips of her ears growing red at Voight’s unbridled reprimand, both from humiliation and from anger. “I didn’t realize those conditions were still in play,” she managed to get out.

“What? The ones where your CO gives you an order and you follow it? No, Hailey, those expectations are pretty much department-wide. Now, do I need to get Platt up here to escort you out, or are you going to manage it on your own?”

Hailey wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of a verbal answer. But she recognized defeat when it came clobbering her over the head. So she left the locker room, ducking around Hank and careful to avoid looking him in the eye, and returned to the bullpen to collect her things.

It wasn’t until she was settled in her car that Hailey fully digested what just happened. It certainly wasn’t the first time she had gone toe-to-toe with Voight, and it was unlikely to be the last. But, as he so kindly reminded her just a few moments ago, the stakes were higher for her now. While he had always had the power to remove her from her position with no warning, he had a lot more reasoning than he used to. All it would take to get her kicked out of Intelligence was pushing Voight one time too many. Anything to exhaust what little patience he had left for her.

It was sobering, and Hailey felt a modicum of shame at her behavior as she started up her Jeep to do what she was told and go home to sleep. But that didn’t stop her from turning on her radio. It was a habit, really, but she felt an extra pull to make sure it was on today. So, it didn’t really surprise her when her intuition proved to be correct. She was five minutes from home when she heard the call: a request for available officers to respond to a 911 call reporting a possible sighting of a dead body. Hailey didn’t even have to consult the file to know that it was their girl; it was the same address as Raina’s school.

For just a moment, she felt the urge to turn around and respond to the call. But she knew she couldn’t. The repercussions could be immense, and she just didn’t have the energy to listen to Voight berate her anymore today. Besides, it wouldn’t make any difference. It was a recovery now, not a rescue. They were too late.

They had always been too late. There was never a chance that they could have saved this girl. She had slipped right through the cracks, just like so many others.

Jay was officially worried.

He hadn’t heard from Hailey all day. That in and of itself wasn’t surprising; she got called in super early for a new case, and those tended to keep Intelligence busy for a while. But when he heard through the grapevine that Intelligence was investigating the body found in the woods behind Hernandez Middle School - the body of a young girl - his concern began to grow. And when Hailey still hadn’t returned any of his messages by mid-afternoon, Jay tried reaching out to Torres instead, who informed him that Hailey had been sent home. So now, after hours of wondering just how brutal this case had been to his wife, Jay finally managed to wrap his own day up and get back home to her.

The last straw, that nearly sent him into a panic, was when he went to open the front door and discovered that it wasn’t even locked to begin with. He quickly pocketed his keys and moved into the dark apartment.

“Hailey,” he called, “are you here?” Please, please, tell me you’re here.

To his relief, he heard a stirring from within their bedroom. “Hails?”

“Jay?” she asked, voice hoarse with disuse. “What time is it?”

Of course. She had just been sleeping. That made perfect sense. He sat beside her, the light from the living room strong enough that he could make her out in the darkness, and placed a hand gently on her thigh. “It’s after six, my love. Are you alright? I texted Dante when you didn’t answer my messages, and he said you got sent home.”

She didn’t answer. Instead, she pushed herself to a sitting position and threw her arms around his neck. He quickly reciprocated, and they sat like that, just breathing each other in, for several moments. When it became clear that she had no intention of letting go, Jay shifted his weight, maneuvering himself over her and fully onto the bed. He leaned back into his pillows, bringing her with him since they were still intertwined.

“It wasn’t a good day,” she finally explained, even though Jay had worked that much out on his own.

“I’m so sorry, Hailey. I know you guys had a tough case.”

“It wasn’t even the case, though,” she said. “I mean, yes, it was gross, but I was handling it. But everyone was watching me like I was a bomb about to go off.”

She didn’t elaborate, and he wasn’t going to push her, although he was curious about what exactly happened at the district that resulted in Hailey getting sent home early. “Do you think we’re cursed?” he asked.

“What?”

“Well, we’re two for two now with bad anniversaries. It’s starting to feel like a pattern.”

Hailey pulled her head off of his chest to meet his eye. “Nope, this doesn’t count. We already wrote today off and agreed to celebrate tomorrow. Plus,” she nuzzled back down into his neck, “this is still better than last year. How was your day? Bad enough to be cursed?”

He chuckled. “No, it wasn’t bad. Spent most of it chasing a lead with connection to the Guerrero cartel. But…” he hesitated, “I did spend some time worrying about you.”

“Why is everyone worried about me?” she questioned, the irritation loud in her voice.

“Hailey.” It wasn’t an answer. It wasn’t a question. But Jay didn’t know what else to say. After a few more moments of silence, he added, “There were a lot of things about today that we know are hard for you to deal with. Please try not to be offended when people notice that.”

He felt her fingers tapping gently against his tricep. “It’s not ever going to stop, is it?”

“For me? Probably not. For your coworkers? Yeah, I think it will, eventually. And I know it’s hard for you, Hails. I know it is. But you have to consider how it feels to them; to see sides of you that haven’t been as prominent in recent months. It’s going to take a while for them to replace memories of bad interactions with good ones.”

Another few moments of quiet passed, and it might have been Jay’s imagination, but it felt more peaceful this time around. But he couldn’t suppress the noise coming from his stomach, so he asked, “Am I correct in assuming that you haven’t eaten anything?”

“Why? You ready to go to the arcade so I can demolish you in skeeball?”

“Now hold on just one second… I’m pretty sure I get to decide on the final round of our anniversary activity. You think just because you had a rotten day that I’m going to defer that to you?”

“No,” Hailey answered, drawing out the vowel, “but I do think that’s our only option left if we haven’t made reservations for the others yet.”

He raised an eyebrow, even though she couldn’t see it in the dark. Or with her face buried in his neck. “Are you up for skeeball tonight?”

“Absolutely not. But I don’t want to let the curse win. We need to have a good time, even if it kills us.”

“What about tomorrow?”

Hailey sighed, releasing him at last, and rolling over onto her back. “I guess there’s still a remote chance I could have to go in tomorrow. If they don’t get a confession today, and, you know, assuming Voight hasn’t fired me.”

“It was that bad, huh?” Jay asked.

She rubbed at her nose with the back of her hand. “Let’s just say I’m pretty sure any remaining sympathy he had for me is gone.”

“Okay. Well. I am starving, and the idea of going anywhere farther than the kitchen right now sounds like a terrible idea. So, I propose we assume the best about Intelligence closing the case today, I throw some frozen taquitos in the oven, we open a bottle of wine, and we celebrate our anniversary like adults.”

“Drunk and naked?” The comment was so immature that even Hailey couldn’t keep from snickering at herself. But after the tenuous nature of the entire day, it was the most beautiful sound Jay could imagine. And that - the freedom in his wife’s laughter - convinced him more than anything else that they were going to be okay. This was just one more difficult day, one more obstacle they could add to their list of things they had managed to overcome.

He laughed right alongside her. “I actually meant more, like, mature. Choosing to be optimistic and not sulking about everything. But yeah, your version works, too.”

It was enough to get them out of bed. The allure of the evening amounting to anything other than the despair Hailey had resigned herself to was too strong to ignore. So even though neither of them had the highest hopes, Jay was proud that they were committed to trying it out, anyway. And as they sat cross-legged on their kitchen floor, sipping their wine while they waited for their simple dinner to heat, it was almost enough to make Jay forget that this wasn’t actually what they had been planning all along. It wasn’t flashy, and certainly not very well thought out. But it was them. And that seemed much more important.

“Happy anniversary, Hailey.” He offered his glass for a toast. “There’s not a person in this world I would rather do it with than you. Even when it gets messy or difficult. You make it all brighter for me.”

The smile she gave him in return wasn’t huge, but it took over her whole face, making her nose scrunch and her eyes crinkle. “Two years down, fifty more to go?”

“I think we can squeeze in at least sixty.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “Sixty it is. You only have to put up with me until I’m 93 years old, and then you’ll be a free man.”

“Wait, sixty from now or sixty from when we got married?”

She groaned and leaned her head back onto the kitchen cabinet. “Don’t make me do math after I’ve had wine. Let’s just make it easy and say forever. How’s that sound?”

He nodded as he took another sip. “Sounds perfect to me.”

“Okay, great. No more thinking tonight. I’ll return your sweet sentiments after I’ve had a few more hours of sleep.”

“Or maybe a few more glasses of wine?” he offered.

“Don’t push your luck, soldier,” she warned, climbing to her feet at the sound of the timer going off. “The last thing I need is to get called into work tomorrow hungover.” But amidst his teasing as he joined her in an upright position, she couldn’t help herself from sneaking in a quick kiss to his scruffy cheek. “Happy anniversary, Jay. I really don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“I guess it’s a good thing that neither of us have to worry about that.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, leaning into his side as he plated their dinner. “That’s a really good thing.”

Chapter Text

Her fingers felt numb as she pulled up his name in her phone. Hailey didn’t spend much time thinking about what that meant, pushing the call button before any hesitations could creep into her mind.

“Voight.”

“Uh, hi, Sarge. It’s me,” she explained. “I hadn’t heard from you, so I wasn’t sure if you needed me to come in today.”

“That’s not necessary, Hailey. We found enough to arraign Richie Moseley yesterday. He’s being held without bail at Stateville.”

Hailey waited for him to say more, but of course he didn’t. She fiddled with the drawstring of her pajama pants as she asked, “It was her, right? The body they found in the woods?”

“It was.”

His short, succinct, impersonal answers were grating on her nerves. “Was it… could the ME tell if it was self-inflicted or not?”

At last, Voight showed an iota of humanity with a slight delay in his reply. “There were ligature marks on her wrists and skin cells under her fingernails. DNA isn’t back yet, but we expect it to be a match to Richie. ME said she had been there long before the 911 call was ever made. The mom and boyfriend were just trying to cover their tracks by notifying police. It wouldn’t have made any difference how fast we worked; the outcome would have been the same.”

Hailey screwed her eyes shut and nodded, uncertain if that answer made the situation better or worse. “That’s… I’m glad you caught him. Are you sure we have enough to convict? I’ll be happy to come in and do a little digging.”

“You’re fine, Hailey. We also have some pod footage and a tire track a few yards from where the body was found. Best if you just put this one from your mind and enjoy your weekend.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek. “Listen, Sarge: I realize I was out of line yesterday, and I apologize for that. But it’s also very important to me that you understand that I was okay. You know, mentally speaking. Jay pointed out to me that it might have caught you all by surprise, because I’ve really been striving to be on my best behavior at the district, you know? But it’s certainly not like that all the time. There have been a lot of negative feelings in the past few months, but I’m learning how to cope with them. That’s kind of the whole point. And just because I’ve had some difficulties in the past doesn’t mean that I can’t tolerate uncomfortable situations. It was a horrible case, and pretending like it wasn’t wouldn’t have benefited anyone. I’m allowed to be upset, I’m allowed to be angry! And you’re allowed to feel however that makes you feel.” She paused a moment to clear her throat. “I just hope that… my goal is that, with some time, you’ll come to see that I can balance everything. That getting a little too invested in a case doesn’t mean that I’m going to let it destroy me.”

“Okay.” Robot Voight was back. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m serious, Hank. You can’t shield me from this stuff forever. You have to let me back on the horse if you want me to figure out how to ride again.”

“Riding was never your problem, Hailey. It was your tendency to dig your heels in so deep that the horse ended up just throwing you off.”

Hailey cocked an eyebrow. It felt like she was losing control of this metaphor. “But still,” she argued, “I have to get back on to learn my limits.”

Voight just hummed in return, his trademark response to acknowledge a remark without having to agree to it. “I’ll see you Monday, Hailey. Enjoy your weekend.”

Hailey pulled her phone from her ear to stare at the now dark screen and huffed in frustration. At least the phone call had clarified her standing, but it did little else to settle the issues swirling around in her mind. She set her phone face down and went to refill her coffee mug. She really did hate Hank Voight sometimes.

Despite the fact that she had been excused from focusing on the ugly case anymore, it still hung over Hailey’s head like a black cloud as she pushed herself to not let it ruin her day. Jay knew this, and he was treading lightly with her as a result.

She hated it. She hated how aware she was that he was vacillating between giving her space and doing what he could to be present for her. She hated that his actions were predictable and methodical and intentional, like she was some puzzle with a very descript set of instructions to solve. But at the same time, Hailey understood exactly why he was approaching her like that this morning. It was like she was able to separate herself from the experience enough to view it somewhat objectively. Half of her was still caught up in the rawness of it all, the emotions and old wounds stirred up from the case too potent to totally dismiss just yet. But the other half could see it for what it was: a tragic case that just so happened to bring painful reminders of her own past with it. And instead of ignoring the connection, of pushing all those pesky memories down, down, down, so that she could focus on the immediacy of what needed to be done, she had acknowledged them.

Well, kind of. Not at first. Not until she had been pulled from the room and forced to breathe in some air that was not saturated with the ghosts of a missing girl. And while Hailey still firmly believed that she had been capable of working the case, she was realizing now that maybe stepping away had been beneficial for this part. The part that came after. Doing her job was one thing; coming home once the case was closed, after the dust settled and all the unruly ghosts had been put back to sleep, may be where the real challenge lay.

So, she wasn’t ignoring the troubles that this case stirred up, but she wasn’t exactly sure what to do with them, either. But Hailey figured that still counted as some measure of progress. It would take some trial and error to learn how best to cope with them, considering that her only strategies in the past had been straight-up denial and copious amounts of liquor. For now, she would allow the demons free reign in her subconscious, letting them run around and wreak havoc until she figured out where to banish them to. Or maybe they would just tire themselves out.

Because that was the other thing she was beginning to realize: those demons seemed to lose a lot of their power once she stopped trying so hard to fight them. Definitely not all of their power. But enough where Hailey could see that they weren’t as insurmountable as she had once thought.

So even though the events of the last two days hung heavy over her, she knew that keeping it all inside wouldn’t accomplish anything. So she tried not to let her irritation over Jay’s watchkeeping overwhelm her, but Hailey also didn’t want the darkness to overshadow everything else they had planned for the day. She expected some resistance from her husband when she first mentioned going forward with their anniversary celebration, but she held firm.

“We can’t let the curse win, remember?” she reminded him. “Life is always going to be some combination of good and bad, but today, we are going to focus on the good. Okay?”

She was pleased to discover that Jay was pretty much in agreement with her, and she didn’t really have to twist his arm at all. It seemed they were on the same page about their approach to the day: accepting the bad, but definitely not leaning into it. So the mood between them lightened considerably once they both made that decision, and by the time they piled in the truck a few hours later, the laughter between them was far outweighing the somber words.

“Okay, so, what are the rules?” Hailey asked with a mischievous gleam in her eye.

Jay raised an eyebrow at his wife as they walked into the restaurant. “What do you mean, what are the rules? The rules are that the person with the most tickets at the end - me - is the winner.”

“Thank you for clearing that up,” Hailey answered. “But I was looking for specifics: is there a time limit? Do we go side by side or one at a time? Are there fouls or interference appeals?”

“What kind of skeeball did you play growing up that there were fouls?”

Hailey laughed at his horrified face. “Just trying to define the parameters of the game.”

The two of them continued their banter while they loaded some money on a card and staked out the best spot to conduct their challenge. It was still early afternoon, but it was a weekend, so they had to wait a few minutes for an available lane.

“I guess that answers my question about timing,” Hailey concluded. “You want to go first, Halstead, or should I?”

Jay held out a welcoming arm toward the game. “Ladies first.”

Hailey took a deep breath as the game whirred to life, the clunk of the wooden balls as they were released into the chute getting her adrenaline pumping. Even though this was just a friendly game, she was a competitive person, and showing competence at literally everything had always been one of her self-protective strategies. So, when she found herself growing nervous, she took a deep breath and looked back at her husband’s expectant face behind her.

“You know, I haven’t done this in years. I hope your hopes aren’t too high.”

Jay snorted. “What, you think I had training in the rangers for arcade games, too?”

“No,” she replied, picking up one of the balls, “just giving you fair warning.” And then she swung her arm back, focusing on the highest value targets in the uppermost corners of the board, and hoping she could coordinate her force and aim to be just right to hit one of them.

She couldn’t. But the ball did bounce around for a second before falling into the lower-scoring slot. They both laughed a bit at the clumsiness of the effort, but Hailey felt a lot more comfortable when she grabbed the next ball in line.

“So,” she asked, once they had established a groove. “Two years. Would you have guessed on our wedding day that this is how we would be celebrating our anniversary?”

“I don’t think there’s much about our marriage that I could have predicted,” Jay answered.

“Do you have any regrets?” Hailey kept her face forward, lining up her next shot.

She heard him snort behind her. “You know I do. But we’ve already talked about them ad nauseam. I really don’t want to focus on them tonight. Let’s do happy memories instead.”

“What was your happiest memory?”

“For the whole two years?”

Hailey nodded.

It took a minute for him to answer. He clearly was not going to give a trite response about the wedding night or how every moment with her was the best one.

“I think it was probably that day, soon after I bought the truck, that we just drove around all afternoon and talked.”

“Really?” she asked, turning to give him a questioning glance. “Of all the seven hundred and something days, that was your happiest?”

“Well, maybe ‘happiest’ isn’t the most apt term.” He turned his eyes to the carpet, where his shoe was scuffing into the colorful pattern. “Maybe the most hopeful would be a better way to describe it. It just felt so right, you know? So easy. In a way that nothing had felt easy since even before the wedding. And after everything that had happened…” He hesitated, his eyes turning back up to meet hers before going on. “That ease felt like a promise. Because it felt like the old us - you know, just spending hours on end in a truck, talking about any and everything - but it also felt like something new, too. Like something different and deeper and more complex was still possible for us. And it gave me hope.” He ended his explanation with a little shrug. Then he motioned toward the game behind her. “You going to take your last turn?”

“Ah, so that’s what you’re doing,” she accused him. “Trying to rattle me by distracting me with sweet reminiscences.”

“Not at all,” he claimed. “On the contrary, I’m looking forward to my chance to show you how it’s done. So throw your final ball and then tell me what your happiest memory is.”

“It’s the day you came home,” she said plainly, rolling her ball and watching intently as it fell into the 300 point hole.

“No, it’s not,” Jay said confidently as they switched places. “You were still in the hospital and didn’t even want to see me.”

“I don’t care. At that point, Jay… that night, when I went into the hospital… I wasn’t sure I would ever see you again. If you even wanted me to, if I had scared you away, or if you were just tired of dealing with the drama. You have no idea…” She shook her head as she tried to verbalize her feelings. “I’m not sure you understand how terrifying it was to think that if I was too much for you when I was still doing such a good job at masking everything, just how easy it would be for you to walk away when everything was falling apart. I think that was part of why I did opt not to see you that first night. Because I was ashamed and confused, yes. But also, maybe I wanted to give you a way out.”

“Okay, first of all, you weren’t doing such a great job masking in the first place, just so you’re aware. And secondly, you were never too-”

“No, I know,” Hailey interrupted. “Now, I understand things a lot better. But then… having you show up when my messiness was on full display… I don’t know, Jay. There was something really powerful about having the last of my defenses taken away from me and still having someone say that I was worth showing up for.”

Her answer seemed to take his breath away. He took his time leaning over and restarting the game before he turned back to her and said, “I mean, that’s great, Hails. And I’m glad that I was able to help you realize that, even though I think it still took a while to set in. But you’re telling me that’s the happiest you’ve been? In all the last 24 months? Because I saw you not soon after that, and happy is not the first word I would have used to describe you then.”

“No, you’re right,” she agreed. “There have been plenty of other happier times. But I’m not sure any of them would have been possible without that one. It was like the precursor. So I think it deserves a little credit. Now, stop procrastinating and show me all of those amazing skeeball skills you’ve been going on about.”

“Okay,” he said, leaning over and depositing a gentle kiss on the side of her head before clearing his throat and stepping up to the game. “Prepare to be amazed.” He picked up a ball and swung his arm back before stopping abruptly and turning back around. “What do we have riding on this bet, anyway? Did we ever set any terms other than bragging rights?”

“Stop delaying by asking me complicated questions,” Hailey admonished him. “Turn around and go.”

“Awfully eager for someone about to lose,” he mumbled, though he did as she bade him.

“Shut up then and show me!”

It turned out that neither of them were skeeball prodigies, but they had managed to accumulate a small handful of tickets when they finally decided to call it quits after a few rounds of back and forth games. They decided to grab a table and order some food while they calculated the final tally. However, it turned out that the virtual ticketing system didn’t separate the winnings by game, and they both had been more focused on teasing the other than keeping tabs of their own score.

“I guess that means we’re both winners?” Jay asked hopefully as he looked over the menu.

“Or perhaps both losers,” Hailey quipped. “Anything jump out at you?”

“Oh, yeah,” he answered, brushing his hand through the hair on the back of his head. “That brutal competition really worked up an appetite. A lot of it sounds good. You’re eyeing that s'mores cheesecake, aren’t you?”

“You know it,” she grinned in response. “But I should probably precede that with something a little bit more nutritious.”

Once they had placed their orders and were sipping casually on some adult beverages, Jay decided to put some feelers out. “How are you feeling, Hails?”

“I’ll feel better once I get my hands on that cheesecake.” When Jay didn’t respond to her flippant remark, she sighed and leaned back in her seat. “I’m good, Jay. Getting out of the house and doing something fun was a good call.”

He wasn’t sure what motivated him to say it, but the next words out of his mouth were quite simple. “I’m glad you’re here.”

She offered him a small smile, but he could tell it held a lot. “I’m glad, too.”

He reached his hand across the small table to where hers was rolling the crumpled straw wrapper between her fingers. The way they intertwined was so natural, so effortless, that Jay just knew that his hand was designed to hold hers. The brief, blissful moment of connection was almost enough to make him forget about everything else that had happened that day, about all the unimportant drivel that filled the in-between portions of their lives. It was all filler. This was the only thing that held any true meaning.

The spell was temporarily broken when the server came by to offer a refill, another calm, comforting silence falling over them once he left. “Okay, then,” Jay said, “we talked about the past. Let’s do the future. What’s one thing you want us to do in the coming year?”

She pursed her lips in thought. “Hm, I’m not sure. I’ll need to think about it a little bit. But your answer is to go on a trip, right?”

“I do want to go on a trip. I think we deserve a honeymoon, Hailey. Hasn’t this afternoon been nice? Just the two of us hanging out and spending time with each other. I think a whole week of that would be awesome.”

She propped her head in her hand, elbow resting on the table. “Where would you want to go?”

“I’m not picky,” he shrugged. “I think maybe somewhere nature-y, rather than someplace super busy or touristy. Maybe out west to some of the national parks, or a small beach town on the east coast.”

Hailey drummed her fingers against her cheek. “You know,” she started, and it killed him to sense her hesitation in sharing whatever it was she wanted to say, “I have always thought it would be cool to see the redwoods.”

“The giant trees?”

“Yeah. Isn’t that what they’re called? I think they’re in northern California.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I think so. That could be a cool trip for us, Hails. How come you’ve never mentioned that before?”

She gave an uncertain smile as she shrugged. “It’s just not something I ever think about too much, planning for future vacations that I never take.”

“Oh, we’re taking this one,” Jay said, his voice now firm with determination. “My wife says she wants to see the redwoods, then we are going to see the redwoods.”

“But what about the beach?”

“Overrated,” he replied succinctly.

There was another pause in their discourse when their food arrived, and the conversation was pretty patchy as they worked around their dinner. Hailey was just finishing up the last of her french fries when she said, “Okay, I think I have my answer.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“I think we should join an adult kickball league.”

Jay paused, his glass halfway to his mouth. “I… that’s not at all what I was expecting you to say. Do I dare ask what inspired that?”

She chuckled lightly at his surprise. “Well… you clearly have a lot of fond memories about your time playing sports as a kid. And that’s something I never got to experience, and sometimes I wonder how it would have been. I think I could have been a kickass soccer player, or maybe basketball, if I had the opportunity.”

“You’re too short to play basketball,” he pointed out.

“That’s why I chose kickball,” she said, kicking him under the table just to emphasize her point. “Height doesn’t matter. But yeah. I think it could be really good for us to be on a team again. You know, in an environment that’s not work. And it’s good exercise and socialization and all that. I think it could be really fun.”

Jay agreed. “I think it sounds amazing.”

“Let’s just hope you’re better at kickball than you are at skeeball,” she answered.

They wrapped up their romantic outing to Dave and Buster’s by walking through the prize shop to see if there was anything they needed that they could exchange for their meager ticket count. Anything within their range was certifiable junk, but Hailey was adamant that taking home a prize was a crucial aspect of the arcade experience.

“All right, Jay, which would you get more use out of?” she asked, holding up the two options. “A stress ball shaped like an avocado, or a plushie that looks like a piece of pizza?”

“What kind of pizza?”

“Um…” she turned the toy in her hand to examine it. “Looks like classic pepperoni.”

He shook his head. “Nope. Got to have my veggies.”

“You’re insane,” she laughed, tossing the toy at his head. “Just for that, I’m taking your vote away. Give it here.”

Jay did as she asked, handing his wife her chosen prize and following her up to the counter, where the employee who checked them out seemed oblivious to their conundrum. Jay wondered what kind of things this poor kid saw on a daily basis that two thirty-somethings arguing about a stuffed slice of pizza didn’t even faze him.

Hailey handed him the bag as they walked out of the store. The sun had set while they were inside, and the chill that met them with the outdoor air was biting. “Here,” she said. “Happy anniversary.”

“Aw, thanks, Hailey,” he answered, playing along with her charade. “I hate it! But I didn’t get you anything.”

“Sure you did. We both earned those tickets, so we get to share the prize.” She set the dumb little squishy on the dash of his truck, as if it deserved a place of prominence. “What should we name him?”

“Gee, I’m not sure, Hails.” He stuck the key in the ignition and cranked the heat up. “A decision that important warrants a little bit of time to think about it.”

“I think we should name him Isosceles.”

“Because he’s a triangle?”

Hailey nodded, a little shiver running through her. “You get me.” 

And there were a lot of things Jay wanted to say in response to that, but he settled for resting his hand on her thigh as he maneuvered out of the parking lot. The combination of the seat warmers (he was so glad he chose a truck equipped with them) and the classic rock coming softly from the radio made the drive home a pleasant one, and neither of them spoke until they were nearing their apartment building.

“So,” Hailey spoke up, turning slightly in her seat to face him, “was it everything you hoped our anniversary celebration would be?”

“For sure. Lightyears better than last year’s. But…” he took his eyes off the road for a moment to analyze her, “I was kind of hoping that it’s not over just yet. That, if you’re interested, you know, we could partake in some more traditional anniversary activities.”

She chuckled at his raised eyebrow. “Ever the traditionalist, aren’t you, Halstead? And so subtle about it, too.”

“I wasn’t trying to be subtle,” Jay admitted. “I’m not ashamed about the fact that I like having sex with my wife. And, we are making up for last year, right?”

“Right.” Hailey gave him a resolute nod. “And, if I recall correctly, I believe that you have a lot to make up for.”

And damn if the sultry tone of her voice didn’t change the whole atmosphere in the truck with just a few words. Suddenly, Jay felt like he couldn’t get home soon enough. He was flooded with regret that they had wasted any hours of this day doing something as meaningless as skeeball when they could have been wrapped up in one another beneath the bed sheets all afternoon.

But Jay was nothing if not a man of restraint. He was careful to follow all traffic regulations and get his truck perfectly within the lines of his designated spot before he allowed himself to abandon all sense of control. And Hailey, for her part, did nothing further to egg him on until they reached the privacy of their home. At least, nothing overt. Because even the little smile that she sent his way just before exiting the truck was enough to make him feel like he was losing his mind. She could drive him crazy without even trying. 

That had always been one of her most impressive capabilities. And it left Jay no option other than to follow right behind her, just as he always felt compelled to do. Like they were magnets who couldn’t be too far apart from each other without being rendered absolutely useless. That risk of separation wasn’t going to be an issue today. In fact, Jay had a suspicion, as he and Hailey quickly made their way up to their apartment, that it was never going to be an issue for them ever again.

Chapter Text

The weekend faded away, and with it went the bubble of contentment Hailey had been intentionally surrounding herself with. As eager as she was to get back to the district and put the terrible events of the previous week behind her, she was also all too aware that she was going to be working against her own reactions from a few days ago. Her brief phone call with Voight had cleared the air between them (kind of), but there was a whole other team of people who had witnessed her less than professional actions that day. Even Cass, her new coworker who had come into the squad knowing nothing of Hailey’s history, had now surely been made aware of her issues. She had completely wasted the clean slate her new colleague had provided her, adding one more name to the list of people who now regarded her as unpredictable. Volatile. A liability in a profession where consistency was paramount.

As she went through the motions Monday morning, getting herself and her mindset ready for whatever she may face at the district that day, Hailey allowed herself to recognize that she may be catastrophizing just a bit. That her coworkers who witnessed her subpar response to the case were the same ones who had watched her unravel the first time. They had had a front row seat as she tried and failed to cope in Jay’s absence, and once she had found the courage to explain the particulars behind her downfall, they welcomed her back with open arms. These people were her friends, mostly. They knew everything that she was still learning how to come back from. And, hopefully, they would recognize Hailey’s reaction last Friday the way she herself was now trying to view it: as a small step backwards that would ultimately help her progress forward.

She knew that what mattered most now was how she responded. The shame was not in the falling down, but in the staying down. So Hailey vowed that she was going to make sure she picked herself up today. No wallowing, no self-pity or self-deprecation. She was just going to show up and be the best damn cop that she could. 

To her relief, the only other person in the bullpen when Hailey arrived was Torres. He acknowledged her presence with a nod as she walked toward her desk and draped her jacket over the chair.

“Have a good weekend?” she asked him while she got situated.

“Yeah. Spent all day Saturday in the kitchen with my ma making rellenitos. What about you?”

And here was the point where she had a decision to make. Keep things surface level, or allow herself to show a little vulnerability to her coworkers.

It was just Dante, after all.

“It started out a little rough,” she admitted. “The case got to me, and so did the sarge’s reaction. But it got better. Jay and I got to just hang out on Saturday, spent most of yesterday catching up on housework.”

“You good now?”

“Yeah,” Hailey answered. “I’m good now. It still catches me off guard sometimes how much these cases can knock me on my ass if I’m not careful. But I’m learning.”

“And Halstead… he helps you with that?”

Hailey looked back over her shoulder to analyze Torres’ intention behind the question. But like always, his face was a mask of inscrutability as he focused on his monitor. 

“Yes, Dante. He helps me a lot. He’s my husband.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” he muttered, and Hailey wasn’t sure if he meant for her to hear it or not.

But she did. And she took a few large strides until she was standing next to his desk, finally drawing his attention away from whatever it was that he found so fascinating on his computer. Her voice was firm, maybe even a little hard, when she replied, “Yes, it does.” And she was prepared to go on, to let Torres know very clearly that he had no place commenting on the state of their marriage (or any marriage, really), but she didn’t have to. After a beat, he nodded.

“Right,” he said. “Sorry.”

She eyed him cautiously before stepping back towards her own desk. “Whatever your opinions are about Jay, know that he is not the reason everything fell apart. Sometimes women just have problems that are deeper than our husbands.”

“It’s fine, Hailey. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Look,” she started, glancing around to make sure there were no unexpected ears nearby, “you and I both have a little too much experience with our mothers being in bad relationships with no easy way out. Stuff like that isn’t easy to forget, and I don’t blame you at all for seeing all relationships through that lens. But I’m telling you right now, this isn’t that. Jay is a good man, and he’s made some dumb choices, but I’m not trapped with him. I am choosing him. And I am doing so much better than I was four months ago - I really hope that’s evident - that’s not in spite of him, okay? He is not the enemy here.”

She had sat down and started going through the mess leftover from her abrupt departure a few days earlier before he answered, “I didn’t mean it like that, Hailey. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t just pretending like everything’s okay.”

“Nope, no more pretending,” she assured him. “What you see is what you get. Which is why it can get a little ugly from time to time.”

If Dante had a response, she didn’t get to hear it, because Kevin came up the stairs complaining loudly about the chill that had settled in overnight. And he was followed by the rest of the team over the next few minutes, the conversation bouncing from the weather to the caseload to Adam’s new pants to the perils of trying to keep kids on a sleeping schedule and then back to the caseload once Voight got tired of the lollygagging. 

Hailey put the conversation far from her mind, focusing instead on the paperwork that had been long forgotten in the bustle of the Raina Sterling case. And if any of her other coworkers had concerns about her after last week’s outburst, they didn’t voice them. She continued fluctuating between the need to overcompensate, acting confidently and assuredly to counteract any confusion about her mental state, and the conflicting desire to just own it; to be up front about how affected she had been and how she was working now to reinsert herself into a situation that had left her reeling only a few short days ago. 

But as the minutes ticked on, Hailey became more and more comfortable with the idea that neither of these fronts were ones she had to put on. She didn’t have to be one or the other; she wasn’t a coin with two opposite sides. It was okay - welcomed, even - to exist in that uncertain, ill-defined middle part. No one was judging her for allowing her timid side to coexist peacefully beside her tenacity. No one was demanding that she choose a label, that she claim decidedly which version of herself was showing up at the district today. She could be heartsick over their most recent case and proud that she came back anyway and bored of typing up reports and annoyed by Torres’ insinuation and still a little tired from the weekend. 

They were all jumbled up inside of her. But no one seemed to mind. And if no one else had a problem with her working from a place of uncertainty, then she wasn’t going to spend too much energy trying to understand it herself.

The day passed slowly, no one willing to say out loud that they might make it through the shift without catching another case, lest they jinx the squad and cause a doozy to fall into their laps. And the superstition worked, because they were still in the squad room hours later when the clock finally told them they could make their way home.

It wasn’t until she was in her car driving toward their apartment that Hailey was struck with the recollection of something else that was supposed to occur on Friday. She felt a degree of shame, both that it hadn’t happened and that she hadn’t even realized it until just now. The guilt overwhelmed her, and Hailey called Jay right away, not even sure if his own workday was done yet.

“Hey, Hailey, everything all right?”

“You didn’t go to your support group Friday night.”

There was hesitation on the other end of the line before he answered, “I told you, I was more than happy to skip that to be with you on our anniversary.”

“And I told you that I didn’t want you to have to do that. I thought we had agreed on that.”

“Hailey,” he groaned, and she could picture him running a hand down his face in frustration as he spoke, “you weren’t answering your phone. I didn’t know where you were, what was going through your mind. Support group wasn’t even on my radar at that point.”

Of course she knew that. And she wasn’t sure what hearing him say it out loud was supposed to accomplish, except maybe to solidify the ball of guilt that had been lingering in the back of her throat.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” she replied, her voice thick. “I wasn’t thinking…” She didn’t finish the thought. There was nothing she could say that would make her actions sound any more justifiable.

“I know. The day didn’t exactly turn out how either of us wanted. That’s not your fault, Hailey.”

“Part of it is,” she argued. “I should have had my ringer on.”

“Maybe,” he conceded. “Where are you?”

“Driving home. No new cases today.”

“Nice. I should be finishing up soon. You want to do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” he answered. “Anything. I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet.”

“How long does it take you to order a bottle of tequila for your brother?”

“Ha ha,” he replied in an exaggeratedly slow voice. “It’s not just him. I’ve got to get something for Natalie and Owen now, too. Plus, I figure I have some sucking up to do with your family, and my new coworkers. There’s quite a list.”

“You don’t have to get my family anything,” she quickly assured him.

“There are a lot of things I don’t have to do. That’s not the point. Come on. Let’s just walk around the mall and get some ideas.”

Hailey really didn’t feel like that was necessary, but she felt too much guilt now over how much anxiety her recent behavior had caused her husband to say no. And besides, she still had some residual restlessness after a whole day inside the district. 

“Okay,” she agreed, wiping away a sniffle with her shirt sleeve. “Where do you want to meet up?”

They had never done this.

It was so odd for Jay to reconcile that fact. He and Hailey had been married for two years, together in some capacity for several more, and never once had they done something as mundane as a casual shopping trip together. Even when they got their first place as a couple, it had been a matter of downsizing their two sets of furniture rather than buying anything new. Sure, they had gone for groceries or other essentials countless times, but that was always strategic and efficient, just another aspect of their life that had to be micromanaged around whatever was going on in Intelligence. And there had been a few housewares that needed replacing since the beginning of their relationship, but that was usually accomplished with a brief online search for whatever was most similar to what they already had.

They had never aimlessly wandered around a shopping mall. They had never done any holiday shopping together.

And Jay had never felt inclined to inquire about how complicated that entire process was for Hailey.

“So,” he ventured as they made their way through the variety of stores, “do you normally get your parents a Christmas gift?”

She smiled weakly. “Sometimes. It just depends.”

“On what?”

Hailey let out a long sigh before answering. “On how busy I am at work around that time of year. On how guilty I’m feeling, or how absent I’ve been the rest of the year, or how sad my mom sounds on the phone when I tell her I can’t make it to family dinner.” She shrugged. “It’s complicated. But I do usually try to get something for my brothers, and the kids, even though I usually have to cheat to know what they’re into.”

“Cheat how?” Jay asked, eyebrow raised.

“Well, I am a detective. I look for context clues. Get on my sister-in-law’s facebook and look at pictures from throughout the year. Their Halloween costumes are usually dead giveaways. Birthday party themes, too.”

“That’s not cheating,” Jay insisted, “just being observant.”

“I wouldn’t have to be so observant, though, if I was actually present at those events. You know?”

“They know you’re busy. And you did show up for Brianna’s concert, right? So at least we know she likes the cello.”

“We?” Hailey asked skeptically.

“Yes. We,” he answered. “Part of being married is going together on gifts for people, right? So let’s go to the music store and see if there’s anything she might like.”

“Does that mean I have to sign my name on whatever it is you decide to get Will and Natalie?” she asked.

“Not only that, but you get to help me pick it out,” he pointed out.

“Great. What did they dress up as for Halloween, again?”

Jay laughed as they stopped at a directory to locate the music store. “Owen wanted to be Yoshi, so they were Mario and Princess Peach.”

“Oh, right. So Owen will be easy. A video game.”

“All right, two gift ideas down. See how easy this is when we do it together? Should we be writing this stuff down?”

“No,” she replied, “I think I can remember two things, although we still need to narrow them down into something more specific. Let’s go see what the music store has before we cross that one off.”

It wasn’t until they were in the food court an hour later munching on soft pretzels that Jay garnered the courage to ask another question.

“So… what was Christmas like for you growing up?”

This actually was a topic that had come up before, discussed in broad terms and generalizations about holiday revelry. But he meant it on a deeper level now, and he was pretty sure that Hailey understood that, as well.

She shrugged, dipping a piece of pretzel into some mustard before popping it in her mouth. Once she swallowed it, she said, “It was about how you would imagine it to be, I guess. Exciting. Festive. Until the alcohol kicked in and all the rowdiness and extra noise and energy and stress pushed him over the edge and it all came crashing down. Sometimes he wouldn’t drink on Christmas day, but that just meant he would do it the day before or the day after. It was never…” She paused a moment as the words seemed to catch in her throat. “It was never completely carefree, you know? I mean, we all loved it, because there were treats and presents and time off school, just the same as any kid. But there was always sort of this unspoken knowledge that the other shoe was going to drop. That things wouldn’t stay pleasant. But that was every day, you know? Not just the holidays. So you learn pretty quickly to just enjoy the calm while it lasts.”

“To compartmentalize,” Jay suggested.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “I guess. Because what else are you supposed to do? Not enjoy anything about life ever because you know that something bad will happen eventually?” She tore off another piece of her pretzel and kneaded it between her fingers. “It almost feels like the opposite should be true: our lows were really low, so we made the most out of the highs while we could.”

“So what were the highs? What was the best thing about Upton family Christmas?” Jay felt like an idiot asking this question. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing Hailey’s parents could have done that would redeem them in his eyes. But she had been pretty clear that she didn’t appreciate him painting them with too broad a brush, so he felt like he owed it to her to at least try to see another side of them.

The fact that it took her so long to find an answer really highlighted just how difficult this subject was for her. “When we lived in Greektown, we would do Kalanta, which is kind of like a combination of Christmas caroling and trick-or-treating. Kids form these small groups and go house to house singing, and then they usually give you a few coins or a piece of candy. I remember that feeling like such a big deal when I was younger, but we didn’t do it anymore after we moved.”

“Do you remember the songs?” Jay asked curiously.

“Mm-hmm,” she murmured eagerly, the pride undeniable in her eyes.

When she didn’t expand on her reply, he inquired, “Are you going to sing them for me?”

She raised an eyebrow at his question, but when he didn’t back down, she said, “I will on Christmas Eve.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

Hailey couldn’t sleep.

(What else was new?)

But tonight, she didn’t feel as hopeless about it as she usually did. In fact, as she lay in bed, absorbing the dark and the quiet and the weight of her husband’s arm slung across her waist, it almost felt peaceful. Her mind was occupied, still busy running through all that had transpired in recent days. Remembering what happened. Analyzing her response to it. And surprising herself that, in spite of it all, she still felt relatively okay about it all.

Earlier that evening, when Jay had oh-so-subtly brought up the topic of how her family celebrated the winter holidays, she had felt her heart rate increase at the idea of opening up to anyone about the truth of her early years. She had spent so many years harboring the ugly truth of her childhood as her own personal shame that it struck anxiety into her before she could even understand why or where it was coming from. It was innate at this point. But she was so proud of herself that she didn’t give into it. She had sat with the discomfort for just a moment before deciding that answering Jay’s question wasn’t as risky as her body wanted her to believe it was. So, she did it scared. She had leaned into the fear, looked it straight in the face and decided that it wasn’t as important as pursuing the intimacy she and her husband had been working toward so diligently for months now.

And it had paid off. Not in any major, noticeable way. But in the way his eyes softened around the corners as she recounted the simple anecdote from her past. The earnestness in his voice as he asked if she still remembered the songs they used to sing. In the way the pounding of her heart eased off as the details emerged slowly from her memory, ceasing altogether with the realization that this was okay. That she didn’t have to keep her childhood secrets compressed inside of her. That she could share the truth with someone whose approval meant more to her than anything in the world and not have to be afraid of him using it against her. That, on the contrary, he could catch a glimpse of her most desolate inner places and just be satisfied to have the chance to understand her a little better.

It almost made her feel like she had been crazy to believe anything to the contrary for so long. Why - how? - had she been made to believe that everything was a trap? That nothing was what it seemed, that everyone was out to get her, and she could rely on no one but herself? Who benefited from that? The simple answer was her father, but Hailey even had trouble believing that as a satisfactory answer. What had he gained from her unhappiness? It was all just so pointless. And she hoped that she could remember this feeling of futility in the future when she was having difficulty expressing herself.

Because there would still be difficult times; she knew this. No matter how much regret she held over the events of the past, she couldn’t undo them. She could only take responsibility for her reactions to them. And she was beginning to figure out how to untangle all that dysfunction. But, good lord, was there a lot to untangle.

Hailey was brought out of her thoughts by a snort from Jay as he shifted beside her. He was in deep sleep, clearly unaffected by the distractions she was experiencing tonight. The way he tossed onto his side made her wonder if he was having a nightmare, but he settled quickly and his breathing became even again. She reached out her hand and ran her fingers lightly through his hair. The love she felt for her husband in this moment was immense; there was still a good deal of pain over the fact that he left, and she wasn’t sure that pain would ever go away. But Jay didn’t just leave; he came back. And rather than the two facts canceling each other out, they each carried their own distinct repercussions for their marriage. But, like with so many other aspects of her life, Hailey was learning how to accept the good alongside the bad.

And there was so much good.

Hailey carefully removed her blankets and crept out of bed. In the kitchen, she got herself a large glass of ice water. She drank half of it, but quickly returned to her bed to escape the cold that came over her from her drink, combined with the chill from the hardwood floors permeating into her bare feet. She shivered violently as she climbed back under the covers, migrating involuntarily towards her husband and the warmth that emanated from him. She left just a few inches of space between them, not wanting to disturb his sleep by shocking him awake with her freezing feet. Instead, she settled for being close enough to hear his soft breaths. Hailey concentrated on slowing hers down to match his, confident that a few more moments would be sufficient to lull her mind to its own much-needed rest.

The first thing Jay was aware of when he woke the next morning was the shrill beeping of his alarm. The second was Hailey’s ice-cold feet digging into his shin.

It never failed to surprise him how her toes could still be so cold after an entire night beneath their plentiful blankets. She tried to explain to him once that women were genetically predisposed to chilly hands and feet because so much of their blood was diverted to their reproductive organs. Jay was pretty certain that wasn’t true, but he didn’t have a broad enough understanding of female physiology to disprove it. As he reached over to silence his alarm, he made a mental note to ask his highly-trained brother about it. Common or not, it was indisputable that Hailey ran cold, and he hated to remove himself from the bed and leave her there exposed without her own personal heater.

It didn’t seem to bother her. She didn’t stir, mess of blond hair unmoving from its place across her pillow as he extricated himself. He had every intention of going to the gym for an early morning workout, but something about the domestic tranquility displayed before him pushed that desire far from his mind. Instead, he went out into the kitchen and put a skillet on to heat before getting out the ingredients necessary for his mom’s french toast.

It just felt like one of those mornings.

When Hailey emerged a half hour later, cheeks still rosy from the heat of her shower, the smell of vanilla and cinnamon cloaked the entire apartment with a warmth that even the most brutal Chicago December morning could not undo.

“Smells amazing,” Hailey murmured, sidling up next to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. 

“Hope it tastes good, too.” He kissed the top of her head, hair still damp. “Have a good sleep?”

Her shoulders dropped a little at his question, but she answered, “Good enough. Was it a bad night for you? I thought you were going to work out this morning.”

“Nope. Not tired,” he assured her, “just lazy. Thought this seemed like a better use of my time.”

“No argument from me.”

The next several moments were marked by a peaceful silence as they each worked their way through a plate of french toast. It was so nice and easy that Jay almost talked himself out of what he had been thinking about doing all morning. It seemed a shame to ruin such a blissful piece of time with anything that might cause strife. But that wasn’t his intention, though. In fact, he figured that if Hailey knew what he wanted to ask her and he refrained, that would upset her more than the question itself ever would. 

So, once he had his fill of breakfast and had licked the last of the syrup off his fingers, Jay asked, “Would you be interested in coming with me some time? To the support group?”

Hailey had been focusing on cutting the last few bites of her toast, but his question drew her attention away. She stared at him, blue eyes wide with surprise. “Is that allowed?” she finally asked. “I thought those groups were closed to anyone who didn’t serve.”

“Usually that is the case, but every month or so they have a session that’s open to friends and family. I thought… I don’t know. I just thought maybe you would be interested in coming with me sometime.”

She took a sip of her coffee and chewed her lip for a moment before replying, “Would you like that?”

“I asked you, didn’t I?”

“Okay, yes,” she chuckled, “you did. And if you’re asking because you truly want me to, then yes, I would be honored to go with you. But the timing of you asking just seems a little odd. And if you’re doing it because you feel like you have to, or if you think I don’t take it seriously, or something… I just want you to know that you don’t have to. I understand that that’s a part of your life that I can’t really relate to.”

“But you can, though,” Jay said without thinking. “You understand PTSD. Maybe not the origin of mine, just like I’ll never really know what it was like for you growing up. But I want to, Hailey. Listening to you talk last night - even just the tiniest snippet about your childhood - I feel like it helps me understand you so much better. And I can see how it’s helping you, too, all the work you’ve done since August. You’re in a much better place, and I know it didn’t come easy. But even when it was a challenge, you’ve trusted me with the more delicate parts of your story. I want to be able to do that with you, too. So, yes, I am a little nervous about it, but you’ve inspired me to be brave. And maybe if… maybe when I start to feel more comfortable talking about all of that… I hate the idea of feeling so vulnerable, but I want you to understand me the way that I feel like I’ve come to understand you, through all of this. I feel like we both deserve that.”

Hailey pushed her empty plate to the side and took a deep breath, one hand splayed across her abdomen in what Jay recognized as a grounding technique. “I do understand you, Jay. Please don’t ever for one second think that you are some giant mystery to me, because you’re not. And one of the first things that I learned about you was how big your heart is. I saw it time and time again in the way that you never pushed me. You always showed up for me, made sure I knew I wasn’t alone, but never pressured me when I didn’t want to talk. And I think that patience you showed me was a big part of why I did feel safe opening up to you when I was finally ready. So, I guess that’s my question for you now. Are you ready? If you are, then I’m there. Whatever support group or therapy session or anything you want to share with me, I’m in. But if you’re not ready yet, then I’m happy to wait until you are. Because you will be. And I know how powerful it is to come to that place on your own timeline. And you deserve to have that, too.”

Jay took a moment to absorb her words, to let everything she was saying wash through him. He stacked their plates and took them to the dishwasher before turning to face her again. “I’m ready, Hailey. I feel like we’ve already wasted too much time.”

“Okay,” she nodded readily, then rose from her seat to meet him where he stood. “Then yes, I would love to go with you to your support group. Let me know when the next one is, and I’ll try my best not to have an existential crisis that day.” She punctuated her answer with a quick kiss to the side of his neck.

“You trying to give me a hickey before work?” he accused.

She laughed softly, the warm puffs of air tangible against his skin where her lips had just been. “No, I’m trying really hard to spare us from each other’s morning breath.”

“And I thank you for that. But seriously, please don’t start anything we don’t have time to finish. I have to be at work in 45 minutes.”

Hailey pulled away and cuffed him lightly on the shoulder. “Better go hop in the shower then. I’ll finish up out here. I really appreciate you making me breakfast.”

“Like I said,” he replied as made his way toward the bedroom, “just felt like one of those mornings. Really needed to get things started on the right foot.”

“Mission accomplished?” she asked, turning on the sink and lathering up a sponge.

“Oh, yeah,” Jay answered, eyes drifting back to his wife and the strand of damp hair that fell into her face every time she looked down at her task. She felt him staring, and sent him a curious smile, the dimple in her cheek prominent in the early morning sunlight. “Mission accomplished.” 

Chapter Text

“Upton, can I see you for a moment?” Though phrased as a question, Hailey knew that Voight’s request was not optional.

She had made it through the past few days without any major snafus, and she began to hope that maybe any lingering repercussions from her disagreement with her boss had been swept under the rug and dismissed. They had managed to work civilly together through the beginning phases of a new case, and Hailey really started to feel like they were turning the page. But then, while they were waiting for Chapman to weigh in on their offender’s fate late one afternoon, all illusions of simply moving on were unceremoniously taken from her. She stepped away from the case board, where she had been spitballing some theories on motive with Kim, and dragged her feet into the office.

“How are you doing?” Hank asked before she was even able to shut the door properly.

Hailey turned, a skeptical eyebrow raised. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not playing games, or speaking in riddles here, Hailey. We all know you had a bad time last week. And I’m asking how you’re doing now.”

She really didn’t want to be having this conversation with her CO. “I already told you, Sarge: I’m fine. I was fine then, even though you seemed disinclined to believe me on that point. So, I’m not even sure why you’re asking if you don’t trust my judgment.”

He shrugged. “I guess your reaction can tell me a lot.”

“So…” she fiddled awkwardly with her fingers, “I passed, right? You can see that I’m doing fine now?”

“I can see that you’re more in control now,” he agreed. “But I don’t really know how you plan to prevent that from happening again. I need to know if I can count on you to keep a level head the next time we have a case involving a kid, or if I need to shuffle assignments around.”

And although she didn’t think he meant it as a threat, that’s exactly what Voight’s inquiry felt like. An accusation that despite all the leniency and assurances he had allowed her so far in her return to work, they were at the breaking point now, and her performance had been found lacking. The idea caused Hailey’s heart to start pounding, the panic rising like a lump in her throat as that old familiar feeling she now recognized as anxiety tried to hijack her system.

She wasn’t going to let it. She was going to hold it at bay until she got herself out of this situation. Until she could mutter something in response to satisfy her boss. Until she could escape his stifling office and find a safe place to release her emotions. 

“Hailey?”

She shook her head to clear the stupor away, hoping she could still find some words to adequately answer Voight’s question. “Sorry,” she stammered, “no. I mean, yes, you can count on me.”

Now he was the one giving her a skeptical eye. They took each other in for an uncomfortable moment before he answered, “Look, Hailey. I don’t think either one of us want to rehash specifics. I know you’ve got a therapist and a husband that you talk to about whatever, and I really don’t need to know. What I do need is confidence that you can handle the work I’m throwing at you.”

“I can,” she said earnestly. “I promise you, Sergeant, I can. I know you think what happened last week is proof that I can’t, but I see it more as now, I know what not to do. And I know you have to think about what’s best for the entire unit, and you have every right to demote me, but-“

“Who said anything about a demotion?”

Hailey stuttered a bit before admitting, “I wasn’t sure how upset you were about my actions the other day.”

Voight scoffed. “Believe me, Hailey, if I had wanted you out of Intelligence, I would have found a reason to do it long before now. And I’ll tell you the same thing I told your bone-headed husband years ago before he jumped ship: there’s a reason this unit is not comprised solely of people who agree with me all the time. It takes all kinds, and each of you brings something valuable to the table. This team works because we approach things from different angles. That results in a little animosity from time to time.” He looked pointedly at Hailey with his next statement. “I’m okay with that. As long as that stubbornness comes from a place of wanting to solve a case, I will put up with that sort of nonsense until the cows come home. But if it comes from any other source, then it becomes a hindrance. It’s my job to recognize that. And just because I take you off a case doesn’t mean I’m kicking you out of the unit. If you can handle 90% of these cases but the other ten do something to you, then I’m going to pull you ten percent of the time. It’s not some kind of punishment, Hailey; it’s just doing what needs to be done. You would not be here if I thought your presence was more harmful than helpful. And I don’t know how else to tell you that.”

She sighed deeply and dropped into one of the chairs in front of his desk. “Sorry,” she said meekly. “It’s just that I’m used to everyone treading lightly around me lately. Sometimes it’s hard to take anything at face value. I actually really appreciate that you’re still such a straight shooter with me.”

“Yeah, that’s not changing. Not just because you’re going through a rough patch. So, let me ask you again: can you handle those more sensitive cases, or do you need more time?”

Hailey pursed her lips. “Might be best to address that question on a case by case basis. For now.”

And she hated to admit it, but the hint of approval in his face as he nodded at her answer made her honest reply feel much less shameful. 

“I guess that’s a fair answer. But I’m still counting on you to say something if it starts to feel like too much. Because you’re right; I do have to think about what’s best for Intelligence. But don’t forget that you are a part of Intelligence, so that includes you, too.”

“Copy you, boss,” she replied before heading back out to complete her work.

“Are we more hotel people or bed and breakfast people?”

Hailey glanced up from the book she was reading. “What are you doing?” she wondered, scooting closer to her husband’s side of the bed to see what he had pulled up on his phone.

“I’m looking into the lodging options for our trip. There are plenty of hotels near Redwood National Park, but there are also some nice B&Bs. Or we could also go camping, although that would involve a lot more prep.” He turned toward her and asked, “Do you like camping?”

Hailey closed the remaining distance and nestled her head on Jay’s shoulder. She reached for the phone, and he gave it to her without hesitation. As she browsed through the page he had open, she murmured, “You’re really looking into this.”

“Yeah, I am,” he answered with conviction. “It’s never going to happen if we don’t just bite the bullet and do it. So I think the first step is figuring out where we want to stay. Then we can find an availability and go from there.”

“I’m not opposed to camping,” she replied after another minute scanning the website. “But I assumed we would be sleeping indoors. I know you’ve done your fair share of roughing it, and probably wouldn’t find it the most relaxing of accommodations. Plus, we don’t have any gear, so that could really add to the expense. And besides, this place looks amazing!”

“You like it?”

“What’s not to like? Close to the ocean - I didn’t even know the redwoods were that close to the coast - breakfast included, easy access to the forest… I think it sounds amazing, Jay.” She ran her foot up and down his shin as she handed him back his phone.

“So…” he shot her a mischievous grin, “should I book it?”

“Not yet! We have to think about it for longer than four minutes, and I don’t think it’s wise to make any financial decisions after nine p.m.”

“That’s probably smart,” he chuckled, reaching to place his phone on the nightstand and then turning to return her snuggles. “What are the chances that the first place I look at would be the best option?”

Hailey felt his hand working circles on her upper back through her pajama shirt, and she practically melted into his touch. She had trouble imagining that any deluxe cottage on the west coast could be any cozier than their bedroom.

“You okay, Hails? Are you having second thoughts about where you want to go?”

“No,” she was quick to assure him, “I still want to go. Just thinking about all we have to figure out. And how much it’s going to cost.”

“Don’t worry about that part. Neither of us has had a vacation in years. We can afford to splurge a little.”

“Maybe,” she reluctantly agreed. “But maybe it would help if we set some sort of budget? Give us a guideline, at least.”

“Also a wise financial decision. Are you, like, an accountant in your spare time, or something?”

She wiped viciously at the tip of her nose, which suddenly itched. “No, just… I want to do this, Jay. I know this is important to you, and I know I’ll enjoy it, too… but right now, it just feels really daunting, and I think maybe talking about it before bed is raising my anxiety. I just want to make sure we’re planning within our means.”

Jay propped himself up on an elbow and examined her, focusing on her face while he decided how to respond to what she just told him. But he was just as calm and measured when he said, “Okay. Then let’s put a pin in it tonight. And we can talk more about a budget when we’re both a little sharper?”

“Sounds like a plan,” she replied, nodding.

He stared a beat longer before he said, “You good, Hail?”

In response, she shoved him back onto the mattress so he was no longer looming over her, eliciting a laugh from them both when she knocked him off balance. “I’m good,” she verified, turning to switch off her lamp.

There was a peaceful silence permeating the darkness as they each got situated for the night. But before sleep fell over them completely, Jay spoke into the night air.

“Thanks for telling me.”

She drew her arms beneath her, eager for the warmth of her core to transfer into her limbs. It seemed chillier than usual tonight. “Thanks for not reading too much into it. Love you.”

“I love you, too, Hailey.”

And before long, the warmth in her chest spread throughout her, and she drifted off to sleep.

When she woke up, Hailey felt like her head was full of rocks. As she reached blindly outside of her blankets to silence her alarm, she groaned to herself at the realization of what that meant. Winter in Chicago was officially here, and it had brought with it the dry air and congested sinuses that made her want to stay curled beneath her covers.

Something she never did.

Jay’s spot beside her was empty, as she had expected. Their plans to meet up with Greg and his girlfriend tonight meant he had to squeeze his workout in this morning, so there was no one to coax her out of her cocoon besides herself. A thirty-second pep talk was sufficient to get her up and in the bathroom. She figured a steamy shower was called for. While she waited for the water to warm, Hailey did the socially responsible thing and checked her temperature. The little beep a few seconds later confirmed that she wasn’t sick, just stopped up, so she climbed into the shower to get her morning started.

Only the shower felt a little too good, and the time displayed on the stove clock was much later than it should have been by the time she made it out to find some breakfast. She wasn’t that hungry, anyway. She grabbed a travel mug and filled it with a generous portion of coffee. The apartment door opened to reveal her husband just as she was screwing the lid on.

“Good morning,” she called, voice harsh and scratchy.

“Good morning,” Jay answered. “You sound awful.”

“And you look smelly,” she grimaced as he leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“I am smelly. Are you awful?”

Hailey chuckled. “No, just my semi-annual head cold making an appearance. But I am running late. I’m going to go dry my hair real quick so I don’t turn into an icicle walking to my car.”

“You sure you’re well enough to go?” He analyzed her, forehead wrinkled. “Did you ever get your flu shot this year?”

“Not yet. I’ve been preoccupied. Did you?”

Jay pushed away from the counter and busied himself pouring some cereal. “That’s irrelevant.”

Hailey laughed and his poor attempt to deflect. “It absolutely isn’t if you think that’s what’s wrong with me. But I don’t have a fever, and don’t feel bad aside from a headache. I’ll take a decongestant and I’m sure I’ll be fine. And I’ll try to schedule us both for a flu shot sometime today.”

“That’s not necessary,” Jay mumbled through a mouthful of his breakfast.

She turned, coffee in hand, back toward their bedroom to finish getting ready for her day. “Hypocrite.”

But Jay didn’t have time to worry about any impending injections that day. Narcotics was slammed with cases. The holiday spirit in Chicago meant that business was booming; even drug dealers could use a little extra income this time of year. He and his partner Benitez spent the entire morning chasing down leads in Englewood. It was nearing three in the afternoon by the time they could take a break. He shoveled his lunch in while he checked in with Hailey.

Feeling okay?

Yeah. Not great by any stretch, but I’m trucking through. I’m actually glad to be doing footage review rather than knock and talks in this weather.

Voight still have you on a short leash?

I don’t know. I don’t think he’s pissed at me, but I think he’s still reluctant to completely let go of the reins. But like I said, not complaining today. You still set to get off on time?

I think so. Hit the ground running today and made some good progress, but nothing that warrants OT. You?

Yeah, unless something pops off. If you happen to get off early, can you swing by the pharmacy and get more of the decongestant? I already ordered it online so you just have to pick it up.

You were on the website to schedule me for a flu shot, weren’t you?

I was. But there’s zero penalty if you cancel or back out. You have a week to think about it.

Ugh. You’re the worst. But yes, I’ll get your drugs for you on the way home.

You better hope none of your coworkers in NARCOTICS see that message. They could definitely get the wrong idea.

Ha, noted. I’ll also send Greg a message and let him know we need to reschedule.

No! We don’t need to do that. I’m not contagious, Jay.

You don’t know that. But even if you’re not, you don’t feel well. You’re not going to have a good time at a bar.

I’m fine with the meds in my system. I’ll take a Covid test to be sure. But I was looking forward to spending more time with Greg, and with the holidays we probably won’t have much time to reschedule for a while. We don’t have to go out; see if they want to just come over and play board games.

You want someone you just met to see the side of you that comes out when you play board games?

Would you look at that? These surveillance tapes just started calling me. Guess I have to go now.

Subtle. I’ll ask Greg, but no promises.

Can’t hear you. These videos are too loud.

Surveillance tapes don’t even have audio?!?

 

“Geez, Halstead, how old is this thing?” Greg picked up the faded Monopoly box and turned it over carefully in his hands.

“I don’t know,” Jay answered, shrugging. “Probably about as old as me. It’s the one we had growing up.”

“So, ancient. Got it.”

His girlfriend, Katelyn, nudged him not very gently and grabbed the box from him. “Don’t be rude, Greg. At least, not until we actually start playing,” she instructed as she started setting up the board. “Who’s going to be the banker?”

“Not Hailey,” Jay said, nearly choking on his beer in an effort to get the words out quickly. “She cheats.”

“I do not!” she protested. “You’re just bitter that I was right about the Free Parking rule.”

“What Free Parking rule?” Katelyn asked. “The one about collecting the money from the center of the board?”

“Yes, exactly!” Jay exclaimed. “I knew that was common practice. She insists it’s not actually the rule.”

“It isn’t!” she cried. “Look it up!”

“Ladies, ladies,” Greg interrupted to get their attention. “I can see we’re in for a rambunctious evening. I nominate myself as the banker since all of you seem too distracted already, so why don’t you select your game pieces while you finish up your argument? And maybe we’ll be ready to actually start within the next hour?”

They managed to assign everyone a piece without any further disagreements, and were working their way across the board before too long. Truth be told, Monopoly was not Hailey’s favorite game to play. It involved a good deal of strategy and forethought, but so much of it really came down to chance. It drew too thin a line between luck and competence, and it usually ended up stressing her out more than anything. But it had been the clear preference of the other three sat around the coffee table with her, so she was being a good sport. As long as she got to be the wheelbarrow, she didn’t much care what the outcome of the game was.

It was nice, having the chance to learn more about the man who she knew her husband regarded as a dear friend. And Katelyn seemed to be lovely, as well. Hailey wouldn’t exactly call it a double date, but it was a different version of marriage for them to try on, socializing with other couples. One where they didn’t have to be overly cognizant of the energy they were putting out, if they were making the people around them uncomfortable with the connection they were displaying - or not displaying, as the case may be. But when they were around other people who were also already paired up, they could be a bit freer in how they interacted with each other.

The game went by smoothly enough, allowing for some conversation in between rolls of the dice and groans of disappointment. They learned that Greg had gotten a job in IT at some advertising agency downtown. He had met Katelyn, who worked as a speech therapist in one of the local elementary schools, in the produce section of the grocery store, where they had engaged in a lengthy debate over the benefits of organic growing practices.

Hailey liked them both, noting both their ease in adapting to the change of plans and their willingness to trust her when she claimed she wasn’t contagious. Greg further cemented himself in her mind as one of the good ones, even if a little quirky. She had a suspicion that that’s what drew Jay to him in the first place; he was authentic, not feeling the need to act like anything other than himself.

To Hailey, someone who felt as if she were an actor in someone else’s poorly written play for a good chunk of her life, she found the trait incredibly admirable.

After she had forked $60 over to Katelyn for landing on Baltic, the other woman asked, “So, Jay, Greg tells me you guys met in the Army?”

The smirk Jay had been sporting at his wife’s misfortune quickly fell away. He cleared his throat and said, “Yeah, we did. A long time ago. Seems like a different lifetime.”

“It’s so cool that you guys keep in touch,” she said. “I lived with my college roommate for two years, and we barely speak anymore. She didn’t even invite me to her wedding.”

“Did you get along?” Hailey said, asking the obvious question.

Katelyn laughed at her boldness. “Yeah, well enough. I mean, we both agreed to room together again sophomore year. I wasn’t expecting to be in the wedding, but a pity invite wouldn’t have killed her. I guess it just goes to show how close you guys are.”

“Yeah, well,” Greg took a sip of beer, “it’s a little bit of a different bond, you know. And besides… I did drop contact with him for a while. If neither of us had been intentional about it, I’m sure we would have lost touch, too.”

Jay pushed back from the table. “I’m going to get another beer. Anyone else?” But he didn’t wait for their replies before turning back toward the fridge.

“I’m sorry,” Katelyn said. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. I know that’s a sensitive subject.”

“It’s fine,” Jay said, returning from the kitchen and dropping into the sofa. “If you and your roommate had been the only two of your friends to make it out of college alive, I’m sure your bond would be deeper, too.”

There was a stunned silence all the way around. But before Hailey could come up with some way to get the conversation back on course, Jay corrected himself.

“Well. That made me sound like a real jackass. I’m sorry, Katelyn. That… that wasn’t cool.” He rubbed lazily at the back of his neck as he leaned toward the coffee table. “I just… I’m sorry. Whose turn is it?”

“I was just debating about putting a hotel on Park Place,” Greg answered, eyes narrowed at his friend. “But I’m thinking maybe we should just call it a night.”

“No, that’s really not necessary. I didn’t mean… look man, I just spoke without thinking. It was rude, and uncalled for, and I shouldn’t have done it, but we were having a nice evening otherwise. Right?” Jay looked frantically between their guests, and Hailey felt a ping of anxiety witnessing his unease. It wasn’t often that she saw her husband flummoxed, and she didn’t care for it one bit.

Greg regarded Jay for just a second longer before relenting. “At the rate this game is going, I’m going to need a KitKat to get me through it. Walk with me to the gas station?”

Jay scoffed at his friend’s unsubtle suggestion. “It’s freezing out there, man.”

“Come on,” he said, pushing himself up from the table. “It’s not far, and I’m a little warm, anyway.” He turned to his girlfriend. “You okay staying here with Hailey?”

She nodded, but then added, “As long as you two trust us not to cheat.”

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

A+ skills at lightening the mood. Hailey knew she liked these two. She tried to meet Jay’s eyes, to see if their teasing had mitigated any of the shame he was feeling. But his eyes were staunchly turned towards the floor. Her instinct was to worry, but something told her that this issue wasn’t hers to remedy. And maybe it wasn’t Greg’s, either, but she felt a lot more confident knowing he was involved, anyway.

The oppressive silence remained in the apartment once the two men stepped out until Katelyn apologized again.

“I’m so sorry,” she insisted. “I didn’t know… it was stupid of me, but I didn’t realize. Greg doesn’t really talk about it much; I wasn’t even sure he had seen combat. But here I am, rambling about not being invited to a wedding when their entire unit didn’t make it.”

Hailey gave her a sympathetic smile. “It’s not really the kind of thing that comes up naturally in a conversation. And you didn’t know, so don’t feel bad. Jay and I have been married for two years and he’s just now figuring out how to talk to me about that part of his life.”

“Man.” Katelyn buried her head in her hands. “I guess it really is good that they have each other, then. I can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah,” Hailey agreed, resting a placating hand on her new friend’s back. “In my experience, I’ve found that these things rarely come up intentionally. That’s actually something Jay and I have been working on. Figuring out how much of that part of his life he wants to share with me. It’s a process, for sure. Don’t read too much into it. It’s not easy for these guys.”

“And now they both probably hate me.”

“I doubt that,” Hailey chuckled. “Jay’s not that tactful. He wouldn’t have invited you to stay if he didn’t want you to. I think he’s more embarrassed about his own behavior.”

“I can’t blame him, though. I feel so stupid.”

“Don’t.” She rubbed her hand up and down Katelyn’s back, feeling a surprising amount of empathy for this woman she barely knew. The feeling of helplessness navigating the topic of a partner's time in the military was one with which she was quite familiar. “Let’s put something on the TV. Christmas movies, sports, or trashy reality TV?”

One of the many iterations of the Grinch was playing when the men returned, both seeming more relaxed than when they had left. Greg threw Katelyn a packet of peanut M&Ms while Jay offered Hailey a box of instant hot chocolate mix.

“I thought this might be a bit more soothing for your throat than candy,” he explained with a bashful smile.

She smiled back, tugging him down to sit next to her. All four of them got pulled into the film, the fondness of nostalgia far more powerful than the allure of the board game, long forgotten on the coffee table before them. Only once Cindy Lou Who reminded the Grinch of the true meaning of Christmas and the music of the end credits began rolling did they break out of the spell.

“Well, so much for Monopoly,” Jay murmured.

Greg laughed. “We’ve got to keep things interesting, right?”

“Yeah, not my best night,” Jay admitted, manners on full display. “I apologize, to you both. Hopefully, we can hang out again soon and put tonight behind us.”

“But next time, I’m not going to go so easy on all of you,” Hailey added, eager to defuse the tension that had been reintroduced to the air.

“Looking forward to it,” Katelyn said, and while they gathered their things and moved toward the door, Hailey decided that everyone seemed to be in an acceptable mindset.

But once their guests had left, Jay grew quiet again.

“You and Greg have a good talk?” she ventured.

His response was to gather all the stray beer bottles and place them in the recycling bin.

“Jay? Is there a reason her comment upset you so much?”

“It’s fine, Hailey,” he said, taking the bowl of mostly-eaten popcorn right out of her hands. “I didn’t realize she hadn’t heard that part of the story, and I meant it as a joke.”

“A joke?” She moved around the couch to put the game away.

“Yeah, it sounded different in my head. As soon as it came out…” He shook his head.

She asked, “Are you sure there wasn’t anything more behind it? You seemed kind of agitated.”

“Just poor judgment. Why don’t you go on to bed, Hailey?”

“Jay-”

“Come on, Hail. You’re sick, and you need to rest. I’ll finish things up out here.”

She stood there for a moment, weighing whether this was one of those times that she should push the matter, or just let it go. For now. In the end, she felt that pushing him wouldn’t be worth it. Clearly, he and Greg had talked some of it out. What mattered was that he was opening up. Even if it wasn’t with her.

Not yet. She hoped.

“You’ll come in soon?” she asked.

He didn’t look up from where he was wiping down the counter. “Of course.”

But even when he fell into bed beside her twenty minutes later, Hailey felt like they were further apart than they had been for a long time. She tried to close the gap, gently scratching her nails across his bare chest, but his muscles remained tense beneath her touch. Finally, she acknowledged that this issue was not going to be resolved tonight. So she leaned over to drop a kiss to his scar, then turned her efforts toward her own attempt to move toward sleep.

Good morning, astéri! I hope you are doing well. I wanted to let you know that we’ll be doing Christmas a little bit early this year because Seth and Millie have travel plans. So we are planning dinner on the 23. Your aunt Cecilia and Gino will be there, and we’ve invited Christina’s family, too. I’m really hoping you and Jay can make it this year.

She knew it was coming. And yet, Hailey still found herself at a loss trying to come up with a reply to her mother's invitation when she read it during her lunch break the next day. A little mental math told her that day was a Saturday. She knew Jay had that weekend off - as the new guy, he had drawn the short straw to work the holiday, but that meant he had been granted time off for the few days prior. And while she didn’t know for sure what days she might be expected to work, she knew it was unlikely that she would be needed much during that time, either. She and Jay had made it a point for their schedules to mirror each other’s as much as possible; what good would it do her to have Christmas Day off if she had to spend it alone? So she had volunteered for that shift, knowing full well that most of her coworkers were more in need of family time than she was.

But here she was, being presented with the opportunity for some family time of her own. But she didn’t want it. Was so eager to deliver the same old excuse she always relied on and tell her mother that the city of Chicago needed her more than the Uptons did. Whether or not it was actually true.

But Hailey knew she couldn’t. That this year, after everything that had happened in the past twelve months, she couldn’t keep turning to the same old silly defense mechanisms to keep her family at arms’ length. That everything she had learned in therapy, all the epiphanies of self-discovery she had encountered on her road to healing weren’t intended to remain theoretical. They were useless to her if they weren’t something she could put into practice. And that was the thing about practice; it was going to be messy, at first. The very word itself carried a connotation of expected clumsiness, of trial and error, of repetition until mistakes could be identified and corrected. And the idea of walking into her childhood home, knowing that the initial outcome was likely to be a disaster, sounded like a terrible idea.

But… if she ever wanted to get past that - to get to a point where maybe she could face them without disintegrating into a puddle of bad memories and anxiety - she was going to have to practice. To make mistakes that she could learn from. To figure out just what she was up against, so she could be more prepared the next time.

It was going to be messy. But that was going to be true no matter when she started. And the sooner she started, the sooner she would know for sure what she was capable of. If the avoidance she had implemented for so many years had been out of fear or necessity. If she was willing to sit with the discomfort that arose within her every time she saw her mother’s name pop up on her phone, or if that was something she had entertained for far too long and needed to let go of.

Both options made Hailey’s insides feel squirmy, but she was tired of existing in a confusing limbo of emotions regarding her family. Either they were good for her, or they weren’t. Either she could face them as a grown woman without crumbling into shattered pieces of the broken child who still clung to her soul, or she couldn’t. But she needed to know which one it was, and there was only one way to find out.

I’ll try to make that work with our schedules, she responded to her mom. What can we bring?

Chapter Text

Hailey stood in front of the mirror on the back of the closet door and analyzed her outfit.

That’s what she was doing: making sure that her clothes were acceptable for a holiday dinner. Definitely not stalling. Definitely not trying to quiet the voices of uncertainty coursing through her mind. Definitely not battling second - and third, and fourth - thoughts that her presence on this night really didn’t matter and she should just bail.

She was tempted. She was still fighting a cold, after all, and no one would blame her for opting out and climbing back into bed for a little nap. But even though that was the truth, everyone would recognize it for what it was: a cop out. She had been well enough to go to work, so she was well enough to spend a couple of hours with her family. Right?

“Everything okay in here?” Jay asked from behind her.

“Yeah. Just trying to figure out if I’m overdressed.”

She saw him come up behind her in the mirror, his eyes moving skeptically down her body before meeting hers again. “ Over dressed? Nah. I think jeans and a flannel are perfect for the occasion, unless you want to put on a festive sweater.”

“It’s adorable that you think I own one of those.” She turned around to face her real husband and not his reflection. “You really think I look all right?”

“I think you look beautiful. And comfortable. And that’s a winning combination if ever I’ve heard one. But if focusing on your outfit takes some of the attention away from what you’re really nervous about, then I’ll play along.”

She shrugged. “It’s not working anyway. Still feel sick to my stomach. So let’s just go and get it over with.”

“You don’t have to do this, Hail.”

“Yes. I do.” She glanced down from his gaze, feeling like it was burning a hole into her skull, and moved around him to exit the bedroom.

“And, just to be clear,” Jay asked, following behind her, “you don’t want me to punch him in the face?”

“No, I don’t,” she said dryly, pulling on her boots. “If it was retribution I was after, I could have devised that myself years ago.”

“I kind of want to punch him in the face,” he murmured, eyes turned toward the floor. “But I will try to refrain, for your sake.”

Hailey heaved a sigh and stood. “We’re not stooping to his level, Jay. I appreciate you wanting to defend my honor, or whatever, but that isn’t what tonight’s about. And I need you to behave, all right? I can’t depend on you as my emotional support if I’m worried about you freaking out, too.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll control myself, but I just want it clear what my stance is. I’m on your side, whatever you need that to look like.”

“Right now, I need that to look like you getting both our asses in the truck and up to Lake Forest. The last thing we need is to give them ammunition to come after us for being late.”

But for all the intention she had vocalized in their apartment, Hailey grew quieter and more pensive as they made their way north.

“Okay, but for real,” Jay started, “how do you want to play this tonight? Are we trying to act normal? Are we ignoring him? Are we going to call him out and make a scene in front of everyone?”

“Absolutely not,” she answered, running her finger up and down the seam of the seat. “I really don’t want this to be a big deal. To be honest, I haven’t put much thought into it. I’m not used to feeling like I have any control over our interactions, which is probably why I spent years avoiding them. So I guess the ignoring option probably makes the most sense. But… I’m not going to hide from him. I’m definitely not going to seek him out or confront him, but I’m not hiding, either. Not anymore.”

“So, hypothetically,” Jay adjusted in his seat, eyes peeled for their exit, “if he strikes up a conversation with me, you want me to just go with it?”

“Yeah. You can talk to him. I trust you to be civil and to know where to draw the line if he pushes too far. But, remember,” she added, “there’s going to be quite a few other members of my family there who might be more deserving of your time. If, you know, you’re wanting to make a good impression on anyone who matters.”

Jay couldn’t suppress a chuckle at that notion. “What are you talking about? I’m charming AF. Your mom already loves me, and I think your brothers are coming around. I’m sure I can win over your great aunt Mildred.”

“Okay, first of all, her name is Cecilia, and she’s technically my second cousin, but we call her aunt. Secondly, my mom still has some reservations about you, so don’t think you’re completely off the hook there. She just has a very forgiving personality. To a fault, pretty much.”

“Right,” he replied, before an uneasy silence fell over them. Hailey had started fidgeting in her seat again when he asked, “Should we have a code word? A signal that we need extrication, or maybe just a diversion?”

“This isn’t an op, Jay,” she answered, shaking her head in amusement at how seriously he was taking it.

“It kind of feels like one, though,” he said, putting on his blinker as the exit for Deerpath Road came into view. “I just… I’m just concerned, Hail. I’ve seen what they can do to you. I don’t want this to be any harder than it has to be.”

She chewed her lip as she analyzed what he just said. “It’ll be better with you there,” she settled on. “You don’t need any fancy strategies. Just being there is going to help more than you know. But the code word is ‘tangerine.’”

The time felt far too short before the house appeared around a bend in the road, Hailey directing her husband to slow down and then pull into the already packed driveway. 

“This is it, huh?” Jay asked, leaning forward to peer at their destination through the windshield. “Upton family headquarters?”

“Yep,” she nodded briskly. “This is where I grew up.” In so many ways. Far too quickly. Because I had to. The unspoken implications loomed heavy in the air between them, making it even harder to breathe than her inflamed airways had already done.

“You ready?”

“No,” Hailey answered, pushing open the door and climbing down from her side of the cab. “Come on.”

Despite the years that separated her from her adolescence, the walk up the front steps was familiar, and her muscle memory took over as she reached for the doorknob. She knew exactly how much pressure to exert to nudge the door into motion. The precise sound of the hinges creaking in protest. And the confusing combination of ease and nerves that overtook her as she stepped inside her childhood home.

Hailey had let him in on enough of her childhood for Jay not to expect a genuine house of horrors, but he was still struck by the normality of everything as he crossed the threshold. The well-worn sofa piled with people he didn’t know could have been in any living room in the Midwest. The layout and decor spoke loudly of a home that was very much in style at the turn of the millennium and now housed aging parents who were too nostalgic to change it at this point. 

He was drawn immediately to the mantle, where framed photos adorned every available space. Hailey’s high school graduation picture. A family portrait when she must have been about five or six, sporting a frilly dress with a large collar, propped right between her parents with her brothers stood behind. A candid shot of her and one of her brothers - Jay couldn’t tell which - in their bathing suits with popsicle juice melting down their faces. Her smile in that one was wide and sincere, and Jay couldn’t help but grin at it himself. But there was a sadness to it, too, when he recalled the memory she had shared with him once about her dad ruining an otherwise wonderful day of swimming. He wondered if that photo was taken on the same day. Or perhaps at the same pool. And he marveled at just how cruel it must have been for his wife to see a visual reminder of that incident every day in her home. Not even as a warning, but as a celebration. A prominent display used as evidence of a happy family, to assure all who entered this place that it was a safe home with content children.

And as the uneasiness stirred low in his gut, Jay really understood what Hailey meant when she tried to explain how her upbringing was a constant jumble of good times and not so good times. How someone who grew up accepting that both were a normal part of life would struggle to accept love that came without any strings attached. It made him ache for her, for her younger version who strove so hard to laugh with the ice cream running down her chin when she was well aware that such joy would be short lived. That every nice moment had an expiration date, and nothing good could be counted on to last.  

He was supposed to prove her wrong about that. He had to.

“Jay?”

He hadn’t realized how engrossed he had become in the gallery of photos, but Hailey was now across the room, talking to an older woman with an expectant eyebrow raised at him.

“Yeah, sorry,” he explained, taking two large strides toward her, “I just got distracted by that beautiful girl in the graduation picture.”

“Gross,” her brother Tyler called from the sofa. “She was a minor then, bro.”

“I was not,” she corrected him with annoyance, “barely. But you know he was just picking on me. Don’t be a jerk. But yes, Aunt Cecilia, you’ve probably figured it out by now, but this is my husband, Jay.”

He stuck out a hand. “Very nice to meet you.”

But the woman ignored his hand and pulled him in for a hug instead, complete with a kiss to his cheek. She muttered something to Hailey in Greek that made his wife blush, but then said to him, “The pleasure is all mine, Jay.”

“What did she say?” he asked under his breath once the introductions were done.

“Oh, nothing really,” she said, not quite meeting his eyes, “just that you were very handsome. And that it took me long enough, but maybe you were worth the wait.”

That drew a grin out of him, and he was much more relaxed as they made their way into the house and met all her relatives. There were quite a few, and he was focusing more on names than relations (he wasn’t even convinced Hailey knew how she was related to some of them). But he felt his heart plummet as they turned into the dining room. He wasn’t the only one in there, but Hailey’s father had a larger-than-life quality that made him the main focus. Even though the board game spread across the table was one for children, his grandkids seemed to be more enamored with him.

“Aunt Hailey!” Brianna jumped up from the table and ran to give her a hug. “Is this your husband?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too, Bri,” Hailey laughed. “And yes, this is your Uncle Jay.”

Uncle Jay. No one had ever called him that before. And the phrase fell from her lips so easily.

“Nice to meet you, Brianna. I’ve heard you gave quite the performance the other night.”

The young girl rolled her eyes. “I’m so happy it’s over. Our teacher Ms. Hastings acted like we were playing for the queen, or something.”

Jay smiled at her candor. Maybe making friends with a tweenager would be easier than he thought. “Well, I’m certainly not royalty, but I would love to hear you play sometime.”

“Too bad we left the cello at home,” Seth said as he rounded the table to greet them, his exaggerated expression of disappointment betraying his true feelings. “Good to see you, Hailey.” He hugged his sister briefly before giving Jay a jovial slap on the back.

“You came just in time.” The air in the room seemed to thin as Hailey’s dad was now standing right in front of them. Jay’s hand went out instinctively to lay protectively across her shoulders as the man went on, “Xavier wanted to play Mousetrap, but none of us can seem to figure out how to set it up.”

“That’s because we’re missing a few pieces,” she explained coolly. “Seth broke the shoe, so we would improvise with a pen. And we lost the ball a long time ago, but any marble should do the trick.”

“You kids always were so rough on your things,” the older man said, nearly causing Jay to choke on nothing at the audacity to make such a claim. But before he could react, his father-in-law offered his hand. “Niko Upton. You must be Jay.”

And if he could sense any of the animosity rolling off of Jay in waves, he certainly didn’t show it. He was calm and in control, showing no hint of shame over what he had to know Jay knew about him.

“Yes, sir,” he rasped. “Jay Halstead.” The ‘nice to meet you’ nearly rolled off his tongue out of habit, but he caught it in time and shifted efficiently to “Thank you for having me in your home.”

Hailey didn’t want him to be antagonistic, but he definitely was not stepping a toe over the line from polite into friendly. He could remember enough manners to make his mother proud without giving Niko Upton any question about how exactly Jay felt about him.

“Of course!” he answered with a big, boisterous laugh. “You’re family now, so you’re welcome anytime. It’s long overdue, really. You’ve been married how long now?”

“Two years,” Jay answered, uncertain if the question was directed toward him or Hailey. “Long enough to know Hailey usually has a good reason behind her actions.”

“Can we play Mousetrap now?” a distraught little voice came from the boy still huddled over the board.

“Aunt Hailey just said we need to find a marble first, stupid,” Brianna answered.

Tones of reprimand came from her father and grandfather at the name calling. The young girl shook them off with an insincere apology, but their impact on Hailey was more profound. She shrugged out from beneath Jay’s arm and moved toward the door.

“Where are you going?” Seth called. “I thought you were going to help us set up the board!”

“I haven’t said hi to Mom yet,” she answered. “I’m going to check and see if she needs help in the kitchen. And they’re going to need the table soon, anyway. You should probably find somewhere else to play.”

Jay wasn’t sure if that was the truth or just an excuse to escape the uncomfortable situation. She didn’t give any indication that she needed his support right now, but, for lack of any other ideas of what to do with himself, he followed behind her.

Aside from the awkwardness that was bound to arise from his initial meeting with Hailey’s father, the rest of the evening went smoother than Jay could have imagined. Her family was large and energetic, lots of love and laughter bouncing between them. It was illuminating, too. It was plain to see how easily she made herself small in the midst of all the activity. It was easy to see how no one would wonder if something darker was taking place behind closed doors. It was really easy to see why a young girl in such a situation might not fully comprehend that there was hope for a different future.

It was also, Jay hated to admit, quite easy to see how much Niko loved his family. Years and years on the force had provided him with great skill in identifying when people were faking it, and he saw none of that in his father-in-law (a term he was still grappling to accept). He doted on his grandchildren, was equal parts tender and joking towards his wife, and his relatives seemed to revere him in return. All of which left Jay with three possible conclusions: 1. Jay was losing his touch at reading people and Niko was just a giant fake; 2. He had actually changed, his health scare and his wife’s pleas enlightening him to the error of his ways; or 3. He was a complex person who harbored both good and evil within him.

It had to be the third one. Everything Hailey had shared with him, the fact that she was even here tonight suggested that it was so much more complicated than his succinct synopses. It was easy to believe that her perspective might be colored by her proximity to the situation, but even seasoned criminals couldn’t pull the wool over both their eyes. Jay did not know what to make of this man, how he should feel about him. If he should return the gracious sentiments welcoming him to family, or pummel him into the ground.

And like so many other times tonight, it gave Jay renewed appreciation for how difficult this was for Hailey. How disorienting it must be to have such conflicting emotions about someone who was responsible for shaping her into the woman she now was. 

But one other sign Jay detected of Niko’s care for his family was that he seemed aware enough to leave Hailey alone. It wasn’t like he ignored her, but in a house full of people who welcomed his interaction, he recognized that she was not one of them and respected her space. Whatever feelings he might have had about her avoidance or of Jay’s corresponding dismissive attitude, Niko knew better than to confront either of them about it. And the fact that Jay viewed that as a small gift of mercy really highlighted just how screwed up the whole situation was.

She barely ate. And not because she didn’t want to. Of all the things she would prefer to stay in her past, her mother’s cooking was not one of them. But the nerves in her stomach and the congestion impacting her sense of taste meant that she could do little more than nibble on the decadent feast. No one said anything about it, but she knew Jay clocked it. So, she was fairly sure, did her mother.

So once the meal was over, and her husband, ever the gentleman, stepped into the kitchen to head up dish duty, she declined to follow him and moseyed up the stairs instead.

It had been years since she slept there, and her parents had changed quite a bit, but it still bore unmistakable signs of being her room. The bed still made with the dark purple comforter she had picked out for her twelfth birthday. The boy band poster still tacked to the back of the closet door. Her worn copies of secondhand books stacked neatly on the shelf. She stepped delicately through the doorway, as though she was worried about disturbing any ghosts that might lie dormant in the carpet, around the plastic storage containers in the middle of the floor and the rolls of wrapping paper scattered across the bedspread, and sank into the mattress.

Hailey heard footsteps trailing after her up the stairs, but like so many other things in this house, the specific cadence of the footfalls were ones she recognized from years of hearing them in her youth. It wasn’t Jay following her; it was Tyler.

She didn’t even bother to look up to confirm it was him when she sensed her brother darkening the doorway. “Hiding to get out of helping with cleanup, Delphi?” he chided. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The placating laugh that arose in her throat came out as a grating cough.

“What’s wrong with you?” Tyler asked, making his way through the obstacles in the room to sit beside her on the bed. “Did you catch tuberculosis from one of those criminals you’re always hanging around with?”

Hailey raised an eyebrow at him as the coughing eased off. “I think you drastically misunderstand my job.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “But seriously, are you all right?”

“Just a cold, Ty. Plus, I think it’s probably pretty dusty in here. Doesn’t seem like they come in here much except to wrap Christmas gifts.”

“You got off easy. You know they put a treadmill in my room, right?”

“They did?” she asked incredulously.

Her brother nodded.

“I guess they really are taking their health seriously now,” Hailey surmised, talking more to herself than to him. “This is all so weird.”

“What is?”

“This.” She gestured vaguely around the room. “Everything. Being here with you like nothing’s changed, but knowing Jay’s downstairs learning who knows what about me. This room makes me remember exactly how it felt to be an angsty fifteen-year-old. I can still feel it, even though I know I get to leave soon and go back to my grown-up life. It’s so strange to think that both experiences happened to me, that I’m the same person.”

“Well, you’re not the same person. I mean, yes,” he amended at her look of protest, “legally or whatever, you are. But in the philosophical sense, you know, you’re older and smarter and I guess more… emotionally aware? You’re seeing it now with a completely different lens than you did when you were fifteen. I think it makes sense that it would feel kind of foreign to you now.”

“That’s the thing, though,” Hailey countered. “It doesn’t feel foreign at all. It feels old and familiar, and, in a lot of ways, it feels right. Like this, the me that I am in these four walls… this is the real me, and everything else is just me faking it.”

Tyler twisted his lips to the side in thought. “I don’t think that’s true,” he settled on eventually. “Just because you chose to flip the switch on some things that you didn’t like from your childhood doesn’t mean it’s not genuine to you. It could be a sign of learning, or growth, or maybe just changing your mind.”

“But how…” she began, struggling to phrase her question the way she wanted, “how can I expect someone who doesn’t know this part of me to ever really understand me?”

“I mean, he’s here, isn’t he?” Tyler answered with a shrug. “I figure that’s a pretty good start. And you know he’s not exactly my favorite person in the world, but Hailey… I think the fact that you even want him to know about all that is a pretty good indicator of how much you trust him. That says a lot. And besides, this isn’t exactly like old times, because there is no way you would have let me stay in your room this long without pinching me or throwing a bottle of nail polish at my head.”

“Oh, that was so bad,” she laughed. “It smelled like acetone for days in here, not to mention the stain.”

“The stain?” Tyler asked indignantly. “What about the giant bruise it left on my cheek? It was so bad that Mom was worried…”

“Was worried someone would report it to child services,” she filled in after he trailed off. “They never did.” She ran her finger over the embroidery pattern on the bedspread, tracing each of the curlicues as they faded into another just like she always used to when her hands grew restless.

“No, they never did.” Tyler cleared his throat. “Do you think the stain is still there?”

They were in the process of moving her clunky old dresser to find the spot in question when Jay finally showed up. “Do I want to know what you guys are doing?”

“Just meandering down memory lane,” Tyler answered. “You’ve got to be careful with this one when it comes to small projectiles.”

Jay nodded. “Good to know. Am I allowed to come in, or do your parents have a ‘no boys in the bedroom’ policy?”

“Wouldn’t know,” her brother said cheekily, standing up and moving towards the door. “Hailey’s never had any boys show any interest.” Then he slapped Jay lightly on the shoulder and left.

“Don’t listen to him,” she clarified. “It was less about interest and more that we just didn’t have anyone over very much.”

“Wait,” Jay questioned, “that’s not true, is it? You’ve had boys in your room before, right?”

“What are you talking about, Jay? We’re married; of course I’ve had boys in my room. But in this particular bedroom? No. You would be the first.”

“Wow. I’m honored.” And it sounded like he meant it, too. He tore his eyes from her and took a moment to study her teenage bedroom. “So, this is it, huh?”

“Mm-hmm. Not really anything to write home about, but it was mine.”

He wandered toward the bookshelf, no doubt curious what adolescent Hailey filled her mind with. “How did I not know you were a Harry Potter nerd?”

“‘Nerd’ is a strong word,” she argued as he pulled down one of the volumes and thumbed through it, “but I was a fan. I mean, basically everyone was back then. But there was something very enchanting about a story about a kid who was mistreated in this world, but actually admired in another. It was a nice escape.”

“So, that’s the real reason you wanted to be a cop; because that’s what Harry does. You talk a good talk about being inspired by Platt, but really you just wanted to be like Harry Potter.”

“Give me that,” she said, grabbing the book from his grasp and returning it to the shelf. “How do you even know that Harry eventually becomes a wizard cop?”

He grinned at her, a mischievous glimmer in his eye. “Like you said, pretty much everyone was a fan in the nineties.”

“Jay Halstead,” she gasped, “do you mean to tell me that you were also a Harry Potter nerd?”

“No, no, definitely not a nerd. But, you know, Will was pretty into them, and my mom didn’t like us to go to the movies alone, so…”

“Nerd,” Hailey teased, moving back towards the twin-sized bed and pulling him with her. “What house were you?”

“Gryffindor. Duh,” he scoffed. “What else is there?”

“Spoken like a true surface-level fan.”

“Whatever,” he said. “You’re a Gryffindor, too.”

Hailey shook her head, struggling to believe they were actually having this conversation. Hogwarts houses felt like second date material, not second year of marriage. “No, I’m not.”

“Sure you are. All police officers are.”

“That’s definitely not true. But you’re proving my point: I like to think that I could fit in anywhere, which means I’m a Slytherin.”

The horrified look on her husband’s face brought her another round of laughter, which again segued into a coughing fit. Once it subsided, his expression was now marked with concern.

“How are you doing? Not physically, necessarily,” he specified, “because clearly that’s not great. But just… with everything. Scale of one to ten.”

“I don’t even think I can do a number right now. I’m okay, but not comfortable, if that makes sense? Like, my body’s on high alert just in case something goes wrong.”

“Yeah, I noticed you didn’t really eat. And that level of vigilance has to be exhausting, especially since you’re sick. You ready to just call ‘tangerine’ and get the heck out of here? I can fake a seizure if you think that would make it less awkward.”

“How chivalrous of you.” She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as she thought. “Did my mom break out the melomakarona yet?”

“Are those the little honey cookies that everyone keeps asking about?”

She nodded.

“I think she was getting them ready when I came upstairs.”

“That means the alcohol will be close behind,” she concluded. “Probably a good idea to make our exit before things get too rowdy. But I do want a cookie first.”

“So happy to know you still have your priorities in order,” Jay said, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead. “Hm,” he frowned, “you sure you’re all right? You feel a bit warm.”

“Just stuffy. This house is packed to the brim with people. Plus, I’m embarrassed that you made fun of my Hogwarts house.”

“All right, then,” Jay said, chuckling at her attempt at evasion. “Let’s get you that cookie, make sure our gifts have been properly distributed, and get you home into a warm bed. I know it’s gone pretty well, but no denying it’s been a long night.”

“Yeah,” Hailey agreed as he pulled her to her feet. “I’m hoping that means I sleep really well tonight.”

“A Christmas miracle.”

They managed to make their way downstairs and through the throng of people without too much hassle. And despite her insistence that things had gone well, she felt the pressure against her shoulders diminish with each goodbye hug she delivered, every wish of a merry Christmas, every promise to talk more in the new year.

She all but collapsed into the passenger’s seat of Jay’s truck once they finally escaped the house. Under normal circumstances, she was not one to sleep in moving vehicles, but she might make an exception tonight. Except there was no roar of the engine or blast of heat from the vents when Jay turned the key. Instead, there was an ominous clicking. He tried the ignition again, but with no more success.

“Um, Hail,” he muttered, cranking the switch one more time, “I think my battery might be dead.”

Chapter Text

“Do you have jumper cables?” she asked hopefully.

“Um, yeah, I should,” Jay assured her. “But it’s going to take some Tetris skills to get another one of these cars close enough to connect them.”

Hailey leaned forward to see what he meant. They had been one of the last to arrive, meaning that maneuvering out of the driveway shouldn’t be a problem. But that also meant that they had been shoehorned into a spot facing the same direction as all the other vehicles. Getting one turned around enough to reach their engine would definitely be an undertaking.

And not one that could be done subtly or quietly.

Hailey sighed. “I’m not sure whose Honda that is, but that’s Seth’s car in front of it. I know he wouldn’t mind coming out to help us.”

“Yeah,” Jay said, defeat heavy in his voice, “but we would need at least one of those other cars to move for the Honda to get out of the way.” He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel for a beat. “Okay. I’ll get an Uber to take you home, and I’ll head back in and see who I need to enlist to help me with this.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jay. An Uber back to the city this time of night on the weekend before Christmas? I think calling for a tow would be cheaper.”

“Maybe,” he agreed, “but that doesn’t get you home in bed any sooner.”

“I wasn’t being serious. And I’m fine,” she insisted. “It won’t take long once we get the cables on, right? I’m sure I’ll make it.”

“All right, then.” Jay climbed out of the truck and turned toward the house. “Time for round two.”

The last thing Hailey wanted to do was scurry along behind him, but she also didn’t want him to have to deal with the awkward situation and her family’s solution to it alone. So she took a fortifying breath and followed his lead.

The warmth of the house welcomed her for the second time that evening, only this time it felt stifling, the heat high on her cheeks and the weight of her coat making it hard to take in a full breath. Hailey whipped it off briskly and ran her eyes over the living room.

Looking for what, she did not know.

“Hey, you forget something?” her cousin Gino asked.

“Nope. We need a jump, looks like the battery is dead. Do you know whose burgundy Honda that is?”

“Yo,” Gino called out to the entire room in a voice that could really only be described as yelling, “who drove a red Honda?”

“I think that’s Stephanie’s car,” someone answered from the fray. “She blocking someone in?”

“No,” Jay answered, “but if she could help us with a jump, that’d be great.”

And as Hailey might have guessed, what just moments ago was their problem, now had become everyone’s problem. It was endearing, in a way, and gave her a sense of both pride and assurance that one character trait everyone in her family seemed to share was a willingness to help those in need. Before she knew it, Jay had gathered a coalition of her brothers, an uncle, two cousins, a bevy of curious kids, and her dad to get the task done. In actuality, she thought, it was probably a few too many cooks for that particular proverbial kitchen, but at least she didn’t have to be one of them.

She meandered into the kitchen and sank tiredly into a chair.

“What’s going on with you?”

She hadn’t heard her mom enter the kitchen, but it hadn’t startled her, either. Her hyper-vigilant state from earlier had faded, and that could be dangerous in an environment like this.

“What do you mean?”

“Jay asked me to give you these.” Her mom placed two white pills on the table in front of her before retrieving a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

“I’m not sick,” Hailey muttered, dodging the hand en route to her forehead as she swallowed the pills. “It’s just winter in Chicago. And it’s been a really long day.”

Her mom didn’t have much to say in response to that, so she just nodded. After a few moments of a loaded silence, she moved her hand to rest on Hailey’s forearm. “I’m glad you came, asteri. I’m glad you’re here.”

And Hailey didn’t reciprocate, because ‘glad’ was not one of the many emotions that had clouded her consciousness tonight. But she knew it meant a lot to her mom, so she offered her a feeble smile in return.

“I know it’s not easy for you,” Ioanna continued, “but it’s important. Family is important. And we’re the only one you’ve got. And I know we’re not perfect, but we will always be there for you. I hope you’re starting to see that.”

Hailey rolled the water bottle in between her fingers, the crinkle of the plastic a welcome distraction from the tears brewing behind her eyes. She knew what her mom meant - knew she was experiencing it right now as so many of her relatives had immediately stepped away from their holiday festivities to help with the truck - but the words still felt so hollow in light of all the other memories lurking in this house.

Two things could be true at once. She seemed to remember hearing that in therapy at some point in the past. But what she didn’t recall was any advice on how to accept both when they seemed to be in direct contradiction of one another.

Her head hurt. A few more relatives joined them in the kitchen, and Hailey was seriously contemplating climbing the stairs and crawling under the covers of her childhood bed. But just before she reached her breaking point, another booming voice joined the women.

“They got the car running,” her dad announced, before focusing on her alone. “Jay’s waiting for you in the truck.”

She felt dizzy as she stood, but Hailey was extra careful to not let it show. Even so, her mom offered, “Do you need any help?”

“No,” she replied, wiping at her eyes in a futile attempt to disguise her emotion, “I got it. Thank you, though.”

Ioanna rose from her chair anyway, reaching out to pull her daughter into a hug. Hailey was too tired to resist, and part of her even enjoyed the comfort that came from being in her mother’s arms. Even as she sensed him coming up behind them - even when she felt him rest a hand on her back and press his lips onto the top of her head - she didn’t pull away. It wasn’t until he spoke again that Hailey emerged from her trance.

“Jay’s waiting for you,” was what came out of her dad’s gruff whisper, and hearing him speak of her husband in such a soft way made her stomach churn. 

Hailey pulled away abruptly then, tossing a “Thanks for the help, and merry Christmas” to the room at large before turning on her heel to leave, hopefully for good this time.

The thought of the cool evening air was so enticing that Hailey almost forgot to grab her coat as she fled the house. She tried to take in some big gulps of the refreshing chill, but without much success. Her upper airway didn’t get the memo that she was teetering on a panic, her nasal passages just as congested and swollen as before.

“You okay?” Jay asked as she climbed in the passenger’s seat.

She nodded, even though the expression on her husband’s face indicated that he didn’t believe that. “I will be,” she amended. “Please just go. And turn off my seat warmer.”

But the flush rampant in her chest and her cheeks didn’t fade, and they had barely made it to the end of the street when Hailey realized what her dry mouth and shallow breaths foretold. “Stop,” she mumbled, reaching a hand to grasp tightly on his arm, “I need to pull over.”

Jay didn’t hesitate, pulling roughly onto the shoulder just in time for her to wrench open the door and clamber out. She leaned over gracelessly, the heaves already trying to claw their way up her throat. It didn’t take long for everything she had consumed that evening to make a reappearance, but even then, the retching didn’t stop. Her stomach rolled and rolled, the muscles contracting of their own volition to rid her body of whatever had been poisoning it. 

Even amongst all the coughing and gagging, she could hear Jay spouting soothing words to her in her turmoil. “Let it out, Hailey,” he murmured, one hand on her back while she gripped the other for balance. “I know it sucks, but you’ve got to get it all out.”

At last, it seemed that her gut was satisfied and starting to settle. But once Hailey’s attention was pulled from that agony, she became all too aware of the burning in her throat and the tears streaming down her face in steady rivulets. She pawed at her cheeks to rid them of the moisture and stood slowly from her hunched position.

“Oh my god,” she sighed, stretching her neck and turning her face to the stars. “Sorry about that. I don’t know where it came from.”

“No need to apologize, Hail.” Jay looked at her uncertainly, not wanting to make any sudden moves until he was sure the wave of nausea had passed. Then he turned to grab her water out of the truck, holding it up as a silent offer.

She took it eagerly and sipped at it. “At least I managed to make it out of the truck in time.”

“Yeah, that’s one positive,” he admitted with a little laugh. “I’m just sorry you’re feeling so bad. Never would have brought you if I knew you were that sick.”

“I don’t think that’s what that was,” she replied, twisting the cap back onto her water. “I actually feel a lot better now. Getting it all out. I think that was more nerves than anything.”

Now that they were both convinced that the worst was over, Jay helped her back up into the cab of the truck. “Nerves showing up now that we’re leaving?” he asked skeptically before closing the door and circling around to his side.

“Yeah,” she admitted bashfully. “I can’t… it’s like I said earlier, I can’t relax there. Like my body was holding onto it until I knew I was safe enough to show a little weakness. And then all the defenses fall, and I guess I was more anxious than I realized, and it got a little ugly.”

Jay pulled back out onto the road, then quickly moved his hand to rest comfortingly on her thigh. “You are safe, Hailey. With me, in this truck, whatever. It’s all right to show your messiness. If I had to guess, I would say you’ve spent years repressing your feelings in that house. That can be a lot to deal with at once.”

“Clearly,” she answered, chuckling at herself before taking another sip of water. “I can’t remember the last time I puked that much when I wasn’t wasted.”

“But you feel better?” he verified, turning away from the road for a second to study her. “You don’t think this is a stomach bug on top of everything else?”

“Nope. I feel ten times better.”

“Yeah, your color is better, too,” he agreed as they pulled onto the on ramp. “I’m still going to give Kev and Ruze a hard time for letting you get sick, though.”

“I don’t think this was their fault. And the fact that you haven’t come down with it means it’s likely not even contagious.”

“Still,” Jay shrugged. “Someone’s got to keep them on their toes. Just because I’m not there to pester them every day doesn’t mean I don’t get to be a pain in their ass.”

“What about the others?” she asked. “You going to give Voight and Torres a hard time, too? Or Kim, or the guy you’ve never even met?”

“Yeah, we should rectify that,” he said. “I should know the guy that’s sitting across from you every day. But no, Ruzek and Atwater are my primary targets.”

She gave him a weak smile before leaning up to turn her seat warmers back on. “They miss you, too.”

Jay was having a hard time. Mostly because he knew Hailey was having a hard time, and all of his gentlemanly instincts kept trying to convince him it was his job to fix it. The higher functioning cortices of his brain were fighting back, reminding him that his wife was not a damsel in distress who required a strong, valiant man to rescue her. And more importantly, he knew that was the exact opposite of what she wanted from him.

Because she had told him so. Because they came into this evening prepared, discussing their approach and how she wanted to handle it. Because she was making so much progress in expressing her feelings, was getting a lot better at accepting them even when they weren’t what she wanted them to be.

Jay, on the other hand, was still struggling with that part. He knew it was unrealistic to expect himself to be able to solve all of his wife’s problems with a gentle kiss and some edifying words, especially when those problems existed long before the two of them ever met. He knew it wasn’t his responsibility to fix everything, but he hated just being a bystander to witness all the discomfort she was undergoing. His wife was unhappy, and he couldn’t completely shake the notion that that was a reflection on him. That he was failing her somehow if he couldn’t totally shield her from the cruelty of the world they lived in.

He knew it was an outdated, rather sexist viewpoint - he would never expect her to feel that way about him - which is why he couldn’t talk to her about it. Feeling that way was one thing, acting on it was another. So he had done as she asked that night, playing nice with her family and keeping things casual. But by the time she had scrambled out of the truck and expelled the entire contents of her stomach all over the side of the road, Jay was done with the charade of standing back while she dealt with whatever demons from her past that had popped up to harass her.

He was pretty sure she was done with it by that point, too. Hailey didn’t say much, but she melted easily into her seat as they made the last leg of their journey home, before doing something Jay wasn’t sure he had ever seen her do in his truck: fall asleep. It was one of the quietest and most peaceful trips he could remember, the low notes of Christmas music playing through the speakers the only sound aside from his wife’s deep, even breaths. And it was strange, how something so simple and mundane as a drive home in the winter night could feel so meaningful, could serve as such a poignant reminder of how lucky he was, how very beautiful this life could be.

Jay found himself entranced by it, unwilling to disturb the calm even after he pulled into his assigned parking spot once they reached the apartment.

But the cessation of motion was enough to pull Hailey from her light sleep. Her eyes opened slowly, a doleful sigh escaping from her as she reacclimated to this side of reality.

“What?” she asked when neither of them moved.

Jay shrugged. “Nothing. Just watching you sleep.”

“Not creepy at all,” she murmured, though there was no real bite to her voice. “What happened to all that urgency to get me home in bed?”

“Sleep is sleep” he explained, “and it’s warm in here. I didn’t see a need to rush you.”

There was a beat of silence in which the only communication was between their locked eyes. But it was dim in the garage, and his wife was nothing if not practical.

“Well,” she declared, undoing her seatbelt and reaching for the door handle, “we’ll be rushing soon enough for work tomorrow. Probably best if we get at least some sleep in a bed tonight.”

“Why do you have to ruin a nice moment by bringing up real life?” he groaned.

“Because as much as I love your truck, I love our bed more. Especially for sleeping.”

“Fair point,” Jay conceded, following behind her. “Our bed is pretty awesome.”

But once they were changed and settled beneath the covers, sleep didn’t come immediately. The cup of tea Jay had brought to her bedside sat mostly untouched, although she didn’t hesitate to down the Nyquil he had paired it with. But then, instead of settling into her pillow and allowing the drugs to work their magic, Hailey leaned over to rest her head in his lap.

Jay chuckled at her lack of subtlety, taking her up on the unspoken request to card his fingers through her hair. “Want to put something on? I’m sure Rudolph is playing somewhere,” he asked after a moment.

She shook her head, a rather impressive feat considering that her face was half-buried into his flannel pajama pants.

After another few passes through her hair, Jay pressed on. “You’ve just been pretty quiet since we left. I’m not sure if that’s just because you’re feeling like crap, or if you need to debrief after tonight.”

“Probably a fair bit of both,” she mumbled, curling her arms up to her chest. “I just… I was hoping it would get better, you know? That being around them would be easier each time it happened. But…” Hailey hesitated, and he didn’t rush her as she worked to find the right words. “But I think maybe tonight showed me that it’s never really going to be easy, you know? There’s always going to be some struggle there. But even if it’s not easy, maybe that doesn’t mean that it can’t be good, too. Does that make sense?”

Jay took a steadying breath as he thought about her answer. “It does,” he agreed after a moment. “That’s even what Tom Hanks says in that baseball movie: the hard is what makes it good. I don’t necessarily think that applies to everything in life, but I think it’s up to you to determine that. If pushing through the ugly stuff to get to the good part is worth it to you, then yeah.”

“I can't…” she sniffled, “I just can’t separate myself from them. I’ve been trying that for a while, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. There’s too much of me that came to be in that house. I can’t just pretend that she never existed.”

“Of course not, Hail. No one is suggesting that. Your younger self deserves acknowledgement, and healing, too.”

“But sometimes I hate her,” Hailey spat out. “Sometimes I am so ashamed of her. She was timid, and a coward, and let people control her way too easily. There’s nothing there to be proud of. I want to be proud of her, or to at least sympathize with her, but I don’t. I hate that this is my story.”

It took everything within him for Jay not to immediately contradict the things his wife was saying. To remind her of her worth and value and bravery that had always been innate since her earliest days. But after two years of marriage, he was finally learning to recognize when Hailey just needed him to listen. When she was vulnerable not because she wanted comfort from him, but rather because she was seeking validation. Exposing a deep fear or shameful secret because she knew she could trust him with it, not because she was looking for someone to make her feel better about it.

“I hate it, too,” he said at last. “No one deserves to feel that way about themselves. And that thing you said, about not being able to separate yourself from your past… You can’t. And maybe you shouldn’t, and that’s okay. But please be aware that I don’t hate her. In fact, I think you might be the only one who does. And hopefully you won’t feel that way for long. Maybe this is just part of the healing process. Got to go through all those stages of grief before you get to acceptance.”

“Maybe I don’t want to get to acceptance,” she said quietly.

Jay’s hand paused at her admission, not really sure what she meant by it. But one thing he was sure of was that Hailey was exhausted, and it was quite possible that her illness, the stress of the evening, and even the drugs that had now had time to kick in were clouding her judgment. “That’s your prerogative,” he agreed, giving her back a pat of finality. “No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to, Hail. But I do think a few days to reflect on everything, and, you know, sleep, would probably be a good idea before deciding anything definite.”

She nodded, scooting back over to her side of the bed. “Sorry. I guess the holidays really bring out my cynical side.”

“Completely understandable. I just really don’t want you to get swept away in it, all right? Because I love you, and I don’t want you to be unnecessarily miserable. Especially on Christmas.”

“I know, Jay,” she answered, her brow furrowed. “Tonight just brought up a lot of stuff. I’m still trying to figure out how to face a lot of it.”

He reached over to turn off the light, submerging them into darkness. “Just remember that you don’t have to face it alone. Not if you don’t want to.”

“Copy you.”

“Hello?”

“That’s no way to answer the phone when your favorite brother calls you on Christmas morning,” Will chided him over the phone.

Jay chuckled as he stood from his desk and moved to the locker room for a little more privacy. “Sorry, I’m at work, and I thought you were scheduled to be on today, too? I wasn’t sure if something was wrong.”

“Nope, all good, just on my way home because I agreed to do nights this week. I figured I could check in with you and the missus while also keeping myself awake. Win win.”

“Wow, so I was your first choice over coffee?”

“Don’t worry,” Will assured him, “I have some of that, too. So, how are you guys? Any big holiday plans?”

Jay briefly scanned the locker room before he answered. “We’re okay, mostly. Both working today, so nothing special for us.”

“The life of a first responder,” his brother commented with a knowing sigh. “So Hailey’s back to normal at work?”

Again, Jay hesitated with his response. He had done a better job keeping in touch with his brother when he returned stateside this time around, but aside from his initial panic when everything first went down with Hailey, they had kept their conversations pretty superficial. General check-ins, comments about the weather or digs about each other’s sports teams. Occasionally they would touch on their parents or a memory from childhood. But Hailey and her struggles had been off limits. Because even though Will knew most of what happened with her, he didn’t really know any of the why.

And Jay assumed she wanted to keep it that way. But, he realized in the few seconds this all passed through his brain, he may have been wrong about that. One thing she seemed to be intent on in her recovery was removing the secrecy and shame. She had been bold in approaching her side of the family with the truth, proclaiming plainly that she was done carrying the guilt that didn’t belong to her and shifting it to the correct source.

Jay just wasn’t sure how far that boldness extended. If she felt close enough to his side of the family to expose that level of honesty with them.

“Yeah,” he finally answered once he realized his hesitation was saying plenty, “yeah, she’s been back to her regular schedule for a while now.”

“And that’s going all right?”

“Look, Will, I’m not really sure what you’re asking, but Hailey’s doing well. Well, actually, right now, she’s fighting a nasty cold, but mentally, she’s right on track. Her superiors were really cautious about transitioning her back into her role, and you know how Voight is. Platt, too. Nothing gets by them.”

“No, I didn’t mean to imply anything,” Will was quick to reply, “just a little surprised, is all. That she rebounded so quickly, but also that you’re okay with it.”

“I don’t have to be okay with it,” Jay said, surprising even himself at how quickly he denounced his ownership in the matter. “That’s the thing, Will: Hailey’s been in the driver’s seat with this whole process. And believe me, there have been times when she and I disagreed, but so many of her issues have been about her struggling to find her voice. So I’m learning, unless she’s genuinely putting herself in danger, to let her have that control.”

“Hailey?” Will asked incredulously. “Hailey Upton having trouble finding her voice?”

“That’s just it. She’s really good at covering. And adapting. But there are things from her past that still haunt her.”

After a beat of silence, Will said, “Hm. Sounds kind of like someone else I know.”

“Well, maybe there’s a reason she and I understand each other so well,” Jay said with a listless shrug toward the empty locker room. “And we are working some of that out together. You know, we’ve been in couples therapy, and she’s still doing her individual counseling. I’ve been attending a support group for vets. I don’t want you to think that we’re just pretending like everything is back to normal. We are both well aware how bad things were, but we are putting in a lot of work to keep us from getting to that point again. Both of us.”

“I am glad to hear it,” his brother answered, “and I didn’t mean to pry. But I’ve got to say, it does give me some relief to know that her episode wasn’t entirely your fault. I definitely thought you were to blame, there for a while.”

“So did I,” Jay admitted with a sad smile. “I certainly didn’t help matters by leaving, but Hailey is too complex a being to be broken by one dumb jackass.” He took a moment to wipe his eyes, even though they were already dry. “Things aren’t perfect, but they’re definitely improving. Although it hasn’t felt like it this week. The holidays are hard, you know, and she’s said some things that make me think she’s feeling a lot of self loathing, but like… at least she’s saying it, you know? At least she’s telling me about what’s bothering her instead of just swallowing it.”

“I would say that’s a good sign,” Will agreed. “Being able to have uncomfortable conversations is a mark of a healthy marriage.”

“And what would you know about that?” Jay asked cheekily.

“Natalie and I have had tons of uncomfortable conversations, thank you very much. In fact, I anticipate another one in about eight minutes when I pull into the driveway. But instead of one person arguing with me that we have to open presents before I can go to bed, I’m going to have two. It’ll be a hopeless cause.”

“Please. Like you would deprive Owen of that opportunity.”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” Will laughed. “That was the plan all along, and part of the reason why I agreed to take nights this week. Gifts, breakfast, shower, and then a six-hour nap before I have to go back in.”

“What a life we chose, huh?”

“What a life, indeed. But someone’s got to do it. And I think we’re pretty good at it. Plus,” Will added, “it makes a huge difference when the person you love has made the same choice. It’s so much better with someone by your side.”

“But I thought Nat went into private practice?” Jay asked.

“She is now. But she remembers hospital life. She gets it. But listen, I’m almost home. Maybe give me a call at the end of the week and we can talk more? I want to hear about this support group you’re going to.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Jay brushed it off. “But yeah, we’ll talk soon. Tell Owen and Natalie Merry Christmas.”

“You, too. And Hailey. Don’t work too hard.”

“Never.”

“Love you, Jay. Stay safe.

“I love you, too,” Jay replied, stuttering a bit. It wasn’t a sentiment they shared out loud often, both of them heavily influenced by their father’s reluctance to express verbal affection. But they were both learning from his mistakes, determined to be better, more understanding partners than he had been. It was touching to hear the words fall so freely from his brother’s lips. And it was easy for him to reciprocate. He was even going to take it a step further, but a click and the flat dial tone that followed signified that Will had already hung up.

“I miss you,” he whispered anyway, knowing that no one was going to witness it aside from the empty locker room walls. But they gave him no response. Jay stood, tucking his phone in his back pocket, cleared his throat, and walked back out toward his desk. 

Chapter Text

Hailey closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. One, two, three, four. Exhale. Repeat.

She wasn’t exactly sure why she was so focused on her breathing at this moment. She wasn’t anxious. In fact, there were few things Hailey could think of that would be more relaxing than where she was right now: the stress and chaos of Christmas was finally over, and she was curled up in the corner of the sofa, sweats on and favorite blanket draped over her, admiring the glow of their Christmas tree against the backdrop of the Chicago skyline while she waited for her husband to arrive home.

It was one of the holiday traditions she recalled enjoying from her earliest years, simply taking in the tree during a quiet moment and absorbing the warmth and undefinable magic that emanated from it. Amidst the sea of unpredictability and uncertainty that sometimes accompanied the holiday season, there was always the Christmas tree to serve as a constant reminder that good things could always be found, even in the darkness. Even when the night was anything but silent and holy, the soft glow from the tree provided Hailey with a hope that happiness was nearby. Much like the assurance she garnered from the stars on any given night, she was drawn to the twinkle lights as the physical manifestation that there was more out there for her.

She wouldn’t be trapped forever.

And if she thought that her fascination with the Christmas tree would fade as she got older and her life became more stable… well, her current circumstances would seem to disprove that theory. Hailey wasn’t hiding, tonight. She wasn’t avoiding her problems, or imagining herself in a completely different scenario like she would when she was a little girl. No, tonight’s silence was more like contemplation. Giving into her habit of gazing absentmindedly at the tree was less about fanciful dreams for a better future, and more a device she was using to process everything she had talked about in therapy that day.

Maybe that explained the square breathing. It wasn’t an attempt to keep a panic from running amok, just her thoughts. Sometimes her ruminations escalated rapidly if she wasn’t intentional about keeping them reined in, and they were bountiful on this chilly winter evening. 

If Hailey had been thinking ahead, she probably would have asked to reschedule the therapy session that fell so soon after Christmas. But she hadn’t; she felt like it was all she could do to keep her head above water for the past month, and her meetings with Steven had been a lifeline to her. A crucial component of keeping her mind centered when there were so many other things vying for Hailey’s attention. So of course she dutifully kept to the plan. For all she knew, it was the only thing keeping her functional.

The odd holiday scheduling and the lack of new cases at the district meant she had trekked out to the office for an in-person visit today. It had been a minute, but her muscle memory still led her straight to the correct office without any detours. But, somehow, the process still felt somewhat foreign to Hailey. She was struck with awkwardness anew as she exchanged pleasantries with Steven and he began the session the same way he always did: asking her how she was doing.

In. Count to four. Out. And again…

How was she doing? She was alive, and mostly happy about that fact, so she was fine, right?

So that was what she said. But like the skilled therapist he was, Steven had steered her toward more pertinent questions, more perplexing feelings, deeper doubts and worries that had been hovering beneath the surface all week. And Hailey wasn’t even mad about it, because she understood that was the whole purpose of keeping up with these meetings: to allow herself to access emotions that didn’t really feel like they belonged anywhere else. But it still unnerved her a little, just how easily her therapist drew them out of her. And then, when the hour was over, she had a choice to make. She could gather up the feelings, now that they had been labeled and sorted into piles, and put them back where they came from. Or, she could carry them home with her and show them to Jay, let him inspect them and maybe even appreciate them before shoving them back into place.

Inhale. Four count. Exhale. Repeat…

It could have been worse. It could have been one of those sessions where she ugly cried and made realizations that made her want to throw rocks at something made of glass. She supposed it marked some sort of progress that today’s meeting looked more like a venting session than a painful journey of self discovery. But that also meant that the aftermath was a bit of a letdown, too. Her feedback today was little more than simple validation that sometimes things suck, and you just have to be gentle and take care of yourself until circumstances improve. 

“Not everything is a lesson,” Steven had told her when she opened up about her fear that this time of year might always be hard for her. “Sometimes, when we know that we’re being placed in a difficult position, the best we can hope for is someone to bear witness to our pain. To allow us to acknowledge it and walk through it with us.”

Bear witness. Breathe in. It sounded like such an antiquated phrase. Hold… But she knew exactly what he meant. Breathe out. Allowing someone else to see that side of her. And scarier still, not acting like it didn’t bother her. Repeat.

She wasn’t invincible. She didn’t have to be. And pretending anything to the contrary was just a waste of time.

She was just about to begin another cycle when she heard the sound of her husband maneuvering his keys into the lock.

“Hailey?” he called. “You here?”

“Yep, over here. Just enjoying the scenery.”

He chuckled, the sound of plastic bags rustling as he put down his things and made his way towards her. “You and your lights. What are you going to do when we take the tree down?”

“Well, lucky for me, the city stays pretty lit even after the holidays. But I do hate it when people take everything down the day after. What’s the rush?”

“I guess they’re just eager to restore everything to normal. And people with real trees are probably tired of dealing with them by then.”

“I guess that’s what I don’t get,” she explained, scooting her feet out of the way to make room for Jay beside her on the couch. “People make such a big deal about a single day; basically all of December is just a buildup to it, you know? It feels weird to anticipate it so long before, and then rush it to be over. Why not try to stretch the magic out as long as you can?”

“I’m guessing you never had to vacuum around a live Christmas tree.”

“Small price to pay,” she commented, giving his thigh a gentle nudge with her toes. “What’d you bring me?”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Is it even the day after Christmas if you don’t eat Chinese food?”

“And I’m guessing you’ve never experienced a true Greek Christmas if you think that’s the case.”

“I guess maybe we need to communicate a little more about our expected holiday traditions. But at the very least, I figured some egg drop soup might soothe your throat,” he explained. But instead of either of them moving from their spots on the sofa to retrieve the food, Jay ran his hand up and down her shin before settling it on her ankle. “How was your day? How was therapy?”

Hailey gave him a noncommittal shrug, still unsure how to adequately relay her thoughts.

“How are you feeling?” he tried again. “Scale of one to ten?”

Hailey gave a sad smile at the familiar question. “You haven’t asked me that in a while.”

Jay pulled his hand away to scratch the back of his neck before returning it to its place on her leg. “It hasn’t felt as necessary lately,” he admitted bashfully. “It’s not been as difficult to talk about stuff, I think. But it’s been a really long week, and I just want to make sure I know where you are.”

The all-too-familiar prickle of tears teasing the corners of her eyes was immediate and strong, so Hailey just nodded silently while she thought about his question. But the emotions swimming through her mind felt way too complex to quantify, so finally she gave her husband the most succinct summary she could muster. “My head hurts,” she answered, the tears she had been trying to suppress appearing as soon as she allowed herself to be honest.

And even after all these years, the tender look in Jay’s eyes was her undoing. The fact that she could reveal her true self to him, to allow him access to her ugly and twisted inner workings that betrayed her weakness and vulnerability and confusion, only to be met with understanding and compassion and love… well, it nearly broke her. And considering how broken Hailey already felt, it really was an impressive feat.

“I know, Hails,” he said simply. “And I’m sorry.”

He extended an arm to her, an unspoken invitation that he didn’t need to repeat aloud. Hailey didn’t hesitate to push herself up and over to nestle herself into her husband’s arms. His chest was still cool from the outside air, but even so it felt warmer somehow than the fleece throw blanket she had been under. Everything about Jay holding her felt right, even against the backdrop of turmoil that was still clouding her mind. So she didn’t bother fighting the tears any longer. If they were going to demand an outlet (and didn’t they always, in one form or another?), Hailey could think of no better mode to allow them expression than by letting them fall onto Jay’s strong shoulders.

It wasn’t a torrent; not like previous crying jags where the outburst came in agonizing sobs and gasps. Just a single tear making its way down her cheek. And just when it dropped off or slid down her neck, another appeared. With such a constant and gentle stream, Hailey felt no need to wipe them away. There was no reason to hide, so Hailey let them fall, only sniffling occasionally in her effort to control them.

Jay too kept his hands otherwise occupied, rubbing soothing circles on her back or running them slowly through her hair. He said nothing, preferring to let his actions speak for him in this intimate moment. But the quiet wasn’t hollow; it didn’t echo with desolation and sadness. Instead, it felt as though it were making room for the immensity of what she felt inside. And with every tear that escaped, Hailey was offering pieces of herself back to the universe that had thrust them onto her to begin with. There was no opposition or struggle in the silence, only acceptance. So even though her husband’s response was minimal, in that moment, it was everything to her.

She wasn’t sure how long they had sat there before Jay eventually offered, “Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head vehemently against his chest, unwilling to break up the peace she was feeling by trying to explain it all. And he clearly understood, assuring her with a kiss to the top of her head before leaning further back into the sofa. And even without words, his message again was clear: he was going to sit with her for however long she wanted. He was holding space for anything she needed to express.

And Hailey had to admit, it wasn’t the kind of Christmas spirit she had been looking for when she plopped down in front of the tree earlier that evening. But she was starting to think that perhaps it was the kind that she needed. As they sat together in the glow coming from their holiday decorations, she realized that she no longer needed to consciously remind herself to slow her breathing down; it had relaxed all on its own.

But before it could relax her all the way to sleep, Jay nudged her and coaxed her up. “Come on,” he urged, “let’s get some of that soup in you before you completely zonk out.”

She called out of work the next day.

It would have worried Jay, coming home from his morning workout to find her still in bed, if he hadn’t detected the exhaustion last night that was obviously more than just physical. He wasn’t sure he could recall the last time Hailey had willingly skipped out on a day at the district, but he was not going to complain that she was taking the initiative to look after herself. Whatever that was that plagued her last night, she was taking it seriously.

So now he had to figure out how seriously he needed to regard it, so he could call out himself if she needed him. He ran through the options while he quickly showered, and mentioned his concern to her once he emerged.

“That’s not necessary, Jay,” she mumbled, shielding her eyes against the bathroom light before snuggling further beneath the blankets. “I just need a little breather.”

He ran the towel roughly through his hair before tossing it haphazardly on the floor. He would have to remember to grab it later. “I’m worried about you, Hailey,” he said with a sigh.

“I know,” she admitted, “and I’m sorry. But it’s not that serious. I slept. I’ve been taking my meds. I just want a break, not an excuse to do something stupid.”

“Well, that’s good to hear, but it’s not just your mental health I’m worried about.” He crossed over to her side of the bed and rested his hand against her forehead. “Do you need to see a doctor? You feel a little warm.”

Hailey pulled his hand from her head and intertwined her fingers with his, then used it to tug him down next to her. “I’m warm because I’m still in bed, Jay. And you’re right that I’m not at my best right now, physically or emotionally. But I think… that’s why I’m taking the day off. My body is screaming for rest. So let me try a lazy day at home before we bring in the professionals.”

She raised a good point, Jay had to admit. And perhaps a day off would benefit her more than a day spent in doctors’ offices or in line at the pharmacy. “And you would tell me, right? If you were having any dark thoughts?”

“I did last time. Remember?” Hailey replied before amending, “At least, I tried to.”

“Yes, you did,” he muttered, more to remind himself of that fact than to agree with his wife. “You won’t let my unsatisfactory response that night keep you from reaching out again if you need to, right?”

She couldn’t completely disguise the frustration in her sigh as she answered, “Yes, Jay, you are still the first person I’d call. But I promise, this isn’t the same at all. I just really feel like I could use a little alone time.”

“All right, Upton,” he agreed, at last satisfied that his presence would not remedy whatever was ailing her today, “I’m going to hold you to that. Can you at least let me know what you have an appetite for? So maybe I can at least swing by the store on my way home and not be completely useless to you?”

“You’re not useless,” she said with a smirk,  rolling over and burying her face into her pillow.”

“That didn’t answer my question…”

“I’ll think about it and get back to you?”

Jay stood, hands on his hips while he took in the scene before him. “Why do I get the feeling that you aren’t going to move from this bed for several more hours?”