Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ben had a good life. He had a good family, a home with an actual roof over his head, and food on the table both morning and night. He didn’t have to worry about much; he was a simple high school student.

Maybe the occasional test or occasional rude customer at work. But it wasn’t that serious. He was only a simple busboy. None of it was really that important. Not until the end of the world.

It was ironic really the one day he was out of town. The one day his parents or his mother, if he was being honest, should let him go. Something had happened.

He was supposed to be going to a football game. Nothing bad ever happened at a football game. His mother told him countless times that she had a bad feeling but he was just thankful to get away from home and to go somewhere new with his friends.

He was only a teenager after all.

But then the apocalypse happened and he was the reason so many people were dead. Katjaa Duck Carly Chuck. His teacher, friends, even his best friend. Travis. They were all his fault. If he was faster if he didn’t trust the wrong people.

He was a coward.

He didn’t deserve to live. There were so many other people that should’ve been here. Others that had more rights than him. What gave him the right to be alive and not them? He was just a kid then and knew how to play the trombone.

After Lee pulled him up to the bell tower. Shit hit the fan quickly. Clementine was grabbed, Lee was bit and they were all separated. He wasn’t even sure if Kenny made it out of Savannah.

Sitting on the floor with his knees tucked up to his body. He was in a small run-down cabin. If it could even be called a cabin there was only one room with a connected bathroom. Not that it was much used anymore.

He tugged his leather man jacket closer to his body, shivering slightly. It was going to become winter soon and he would need to find somewhere safe from the environment. Somewhere that didn’t have holes in the ceiling.

After he got separated from the group. He tried to find Omid and Christa. He did but Savannah was crowded with walkers, the biggest herd he ever saw and he was just trying to get out before he bit like Lee.

Again he was just a coward.

He didn’t know much about survival. He could shoot a gun but he didn’t have much of an aim. Or much ammo just what he could find. He didn’t know how to hunt or defend himself. But he could start a fire with a few twigs. He used to be a boy scout after all.

After he got out of Savannah he waited for Omid and Christa or even Clementine. Until eventually he had to move. The herd was beginning to move. He traveled on his feet through the woods holding up in different places a car once a house and now a small cabin.

He could hear footsteps outside the door. It wasn’t walkers. It was more of a tap to the ground and not the sluggish sound he was used to. But he didn’t have the energy to move from his spot.

The door was thrown open and a woman was staring back at him. The barrel of the gun pointed only a few inches away at his face. “It’s just a kid” She breathed out before lowering her gun and looking away to the guy that stood beside her.

The man wasn’t as convinced as her. He kept his bow and arrow up like Ben might try and make a go and run away. Like there was even a place to run away to. “Still he could be dangerous” The man argued in a gruff voice.

Ben froze, his eyes widening. Unconsciously he slumped closer into himself trying to make himself. Something hard because he was almost six feet tall. He wasn’t even sure he was breathing.

"Are you dangerous?" The woman asked carefully but her eyes trained on his face in a sharp and calculated way.

He was frozen in fear. His eyes still widened and his chest beat rapidly. He was too scared to even speak, afraid he might say something wrong or they would hurt him. Until it all became too much and eventually everything went black and he slumped over.

It was that night again the one outside the RV the bandits just attacked the motor inn and they all nearly escaped with their lives. Some weren't so lucky. He looked around and Kenny was bent in front of the grill trying to fix the RV.

Everything looked identical. He couldn’t even tell that it was a dream. “It’s your fault,” Lily said with a disgusted expression across her face before she took a step closer to him, and unlike last time Carley wasn’t stopping her.

She nodded, crossing her arms and looking over at Ben with a squinted glare. “Yeah,” She said agreeingly.

Ben looked between both women in confusion and surprise. Carley never agreed with Lily. “What? No!” He cried out. He tried stepping away from Lily keeping his hands in front of him but she only stepped closer to the expression on her face becoming more furious by the second.

Suddenly he didn’t even know how. Like he missed a scene in a show. Everyone had begun to chant in unison crowding him against the Rv. “Your fault” Over and over. Kenny had even begun to join in standing right behind Lee, his eyes filled with anger and bitterness.

Then a hand reached out and grabbed him by the hair from the open window and all of a sudden Duck was taking a bite out of his neck. Blood was running down his neck but he couldn’t scream; nothing would come out of his mouth he could only watch with wide eyes as the group stood there chanting, getting angrier and angrier.

He sat up in the bed breathing hard sweat build up onto his forehead. It was just a nightmare he realized in relief. Now that he calmed down he glanced around the room and realized he was in some sort of nurse station. There were old ripped-up posters on the walls and a medicine cabinet with a broken glass door in the corner.

His attention was directed towards the door; he could hear two people standing outside the door. “We couldn’t just leave him there” It was the same woman from earlier, the one with the country accent.

A different voice appeared one he didn’t recognise. He could hear him just sigh like he was tired. Tired of making choices tired of the apocalypse he wasn’t sure exactly.

“I would never ask you to do that,” He said firmly. Ben shifted into the bed he wanted to climb out but he was too scared that they would walk in and realize he was awake.

He didn’t even know what kind of people this group was. Maybe they were like the bandits. Maybe they only saved him because they wanted him to work for him.

Climbing sideways so his feet were hanging over the side of the bed. He could see his shoes sitting across the room, his jacket laid out on the table. Suddenly both voices began to quiet down. Like they both knew he was awake and listening to their conversation.

The door opened and a man walked in. Confidence was leaking off of his exterior. “Hey kid you alive?” Ben’s stomach dropped and he grabbed hold of the sheet beneath him. “W-Where am I?” He asked through his nervousness. The man didn’t answer but just walked into the room and finally sat down on the chair in front of him.

"In our base” He nodded simply, opening his mouth to ask another question. But the man had cut him off. “But first I have three questions”

He couldn't help but wonder what kind of questions he would have for him. But he nodded his eyes still trained on the man in front of him. “How many walkers have you killed?” He finally asked.

"I don’t know" He wasn't even sure anymore. Maybe eight no nine. No, that didn’t seem right, he thought frustratingly. The man only nodded no negative or positive reaction crossing his face. He was the leader of their group.

“How many people have you killed?” Ben sucked in a breath in surprise. His heart began to beat faster by the second. He could picture every time he messed up the day he made the deal with the bandits. The day he ran away instead of staying and helping Clementine.

Ben didn’t even need to say anything; it was like Rick knew. Knew what he did. What he didn’t do. “Why?” He asked his eyes only observing the teenager that looked like he was having a meltdown.

“I made a stupid mistake” The man puffed his chest and squared his shoulders like he was going into defense mode. "What do you mean by that?" He asked carefully.

Ben looked away from the white tiled floor and up at the man. His eyes were wide and scared. Just like a wild animal. "I trusted the wrong people" He rasped out in a scared voice.

Rick was silent for quite a bit as he looked down at the teenager before he nodded almost decidedly. “Welcome to the group” Ben almost fell face in surprise. His grip on the bed sheet loosened. “B-But I killed so many people” He asked louder.

“Did you shoot or stab them?” He continued.

“No” He mumbled. He knew what Rick was doing. But he didn’t know what happened. Rick just stood up with his hands adjusting the belt on his waist and then ran through the small beard on his face thoughtfully.

"Then it sounds like it wasn't your fault," He said as he clasped the teenager on his shoulder and gave him a small encouraging smile.

"You weren't there," He said stubbornly before he could even think. He shouldn’t back talk to a person he just met, especially someone offering him a place to stay. Somewhere surrounded by people and away from the walkers. Maybe even food?

But the man didn’t even flinch; he just snorted. “You're right I wasn't,” He said somewhat softer. Ben relaxed realizing he wasn’t going to get mad at him for what he said. “Someone will be in soon to show you around”

“My name’s Ben” He called out his voice cracking. Rick turned back towards him his hands settling on his hips. “It’s nice to meet you, Ben,” He said genuinely a half smile still on his face. “I’m Rick Rick Grimes” Now he had to get going. He promised Carl he wouldn’t take long then he’d hurry back and find him.

Rick wasn’t wrong; it didn't take long for the door to open back up. It wasn’t the same woman that found him either. This time it was an older woman with gray short hair. She almost reminded him of his mother.

He had just put on his shoes and was finishing buttoning his Jacket when the woman walked back in. She was a small older woman that barely reached his shoulders. When she realized what he was doing she turned back around facing the doorway. “Oh I’m sorry”

Ben’s face flushed embarrassingly. “You're okay” He called out and she turned back towards him. “We were making sure you didn’t have any bites” She answered softly finally taking the chance to look at the boy. He couldn't be older than eighteen. In fact, he was probably the same age as Beth.

“It’s okay,” He murmured, looking away from the woman.

Carol led him out of the man-made nurse area and into a hallway. He glanced around. There wasn't anybody walking around. But there were things thrown around indicating people were there. He knew it was a prison. They had passed jail gates and a cell block. "We cleared the place out a while back and have been here for a while now" She recalled like she was giving him a simple tour.

Ben nodded, walking aside her. Or at least try to, she was a fast walker for a short woman. He may not answer each time but he was listening intently to her every word. Sometimes humming under his breath to let her know he was listening.

She only sighed when he didn’t respond. He didn't seem that talkative. He was going to need a lot of time and comfort. Who knows what he’s been through or seen while outside? "We sleep in the cells," She said turning to face the boy.

They had come to a stop in front of a cell. "You can sleep in this one," She said gesturing to an empty cell. It was fortunately only a cell down from hers. Something she may have done intentionally. Just to keep an eye on him.

He walked into the cell, his eyes observing every corner unsure. Like it was just a ploy for her to lock him inside. “Just let me know if you need anything” Before Carol could walk away he turned around quickly. “Thank you” He spoke up, his voice hoarse from all the talking.

She only smiled at him before she disappeared.

Chapter Text

Ben didn’t stay very long in his cell. As long as he could at least. That meant he sat there on the bed bored until finally he laid down and took a small nap but when he woke up his stomach was rumbling he could feel stomach pains. Sitting up in his bed he held onto his stomach a pained expression across his face.

That made him stop and think. How long had it been since he ate? Three four days a week? The last thing he remembered eating was that can of peas he found in an abandoned house.

Maybe Rick or Carol had something to eat?

He walked out of the cell and made his way out of it slowly like he might get in trouble just for leaving. He could hear people talking downstairs. He could even hear a few laughs. The noise made his skin crawl. The sound of people celebrating happily.

When he peeked over the railing he could see the lights of candles illuminated off the walls and shadows of people moving. From what he could see everyone was in the cafeteria. It was probably dinner. It was night already. He could tell because of the windows.

Or he assumed it was everyone. He didn’t know how many people the group had. He walked down the stairs, his eyes following the group as he did. “Oh look who came to join us,” Carol said, instantly spotting him coming down the staircase.

“Do you want some food?” She offered kindly. It took all of Ben’s self-control not to jump at the offer. He didn’t want to seem too eager but she could probably hear the rumble of his stomach all the way from his cell.

He could see a small boy sitting at one of the lunch tables. He looked annoyed that Carol offered him food. He scoffed and turned the other way, looking back next to the blonde at his side.

Ben looked away from the kid and at Carol, who had already grabbed some food. No one else seemed to see the kid’s reaction in any way. “Um yeah that’d be nice,” He said hesitatingly. She nodded and continued to grab food for him.

He followed her to a table. It kind of made him feel like he did when he went to church with his mother as a young boy and she filled his plate of food. Awkward and not sure where to stand or go. Social anxiety is what his therapist called it.

“You must be Ben” Ben jumped slightly in shock. But it was just a guy. He looked young but not as young as him, maybe early twenties. “Sorry for scaring you,” He said, putting his hands up and smiling. Ben smiled back.

He soon introduced everyone pointing to each person in the room. An old man named Hershel who was the doctor of the group. Rick who was the leader. “And I’m Glenn,” He said, finally while grinning at the boy.

“Glenn?” He asked in a voice full of shock.

The man nodded slightly with a raised eyebrow. “Yea.. do I know you?” He asked with a small confused smile. No accusation, just curiosity. The end of the world made it hard to judge people nowadays. Unless they were dangerous.

Ben slouched back into himself somewhat disappointed by the reaction. Of course, he wouldn’t know who he was. “From Macon the motor in?” He asked, almost desperate. For some sort of connection.

Suddenly Glenn’s eyes grew wide and his grip on the piece of jerky in his hand loosened. “Did they make it out?” He asked in a whispered voice. His once-happy attitude squashed. Ben only turned his gaze down to the floor.

Glenn nodded, ignoring the bitter taste in his mouth. The answer was clear. "They talked about you," He finally spoke up again. Glenn snorted and Ben looked back up but not making any eye contact. "I'm surprised," he admitted.

"Lily and her dad weren't happy you left," He said slowly. But it wasn’t like Lily or Lary was going to be mad at him; he was dead and she might as well be too.

"That sounds more like them," He said, chuckling sarcastically as he looked off into the direction behind Ben. Probably looking at the wall. He couldn’t help but think he should’ve stayed, maybe they would’ve been alive.

He didn't know Glenn personally. He hadn't even met him before he left the others. But it helped. To have someone familiar. As Familiar as he could get.

The conversation seemed to catch everyone's attention because they were paying attention to the two. Maggie soon walked up next to the two. “What are y'all talking about?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Glenn ran a hand down his face trying to take the information he was just receiving. “Before I met you'll I was with this other group in Macon”

Ben sat down at the table after Carol gave him his food. Glenn joined him on his side. “What happened?” He asked. He was with the group in the drugstore for weeks. They saved him multiple times. Doug Carley Lee all of them. He wanted to know what happened.

“One by one we just kept dying,” He said, and when he did his voice cracked. The room was deathly quiet. A pin could be heard if it fell to the floor. Ben wasn’t sure if they all wanted to listen to what he had to say or if they were trying to be nice.

Just when Glenn thought Ben wasn’t going to continue he opened his mouth again. “We were in Savannah looking for a boat and Lee was bit then Clementine was kidnapped” It was all horrible and that wasn’t all Glenn didn’t know about the cannibals or the bandits or Lily finally going crazy and killing Carly.

“Shit” Glenn mumbled his eyes wide.

Maggie grabbed his arm lying across the table trying to give him some sort of comfort. Her face mixed with horror and sadness herself. No one dared to speak up next. Nothing was there to be said after what Ben just said.

After that Ben stayed quiet; he didn't want to talk about the others anymore. When he finished eating he walked outside. There were gates surrounding the courtyard. He’d be safe, he reasoned. He just needed some air and some time to himself.

He used to be outside all the time when the group was still at the Motor Inn. It was fortified and nothing could get walkers or people. Or at least they all thought it was.

He was simply walking along the fence when something shiny caught his eye. It was tucked under the corner of a file cabinet. He bent down so he could grab it. His heart hammered and he stood back up. It was a razor he realized.

He glanced around to see if anyone was around. But no one was and it was so dark. He could take it right now and no one would know. Why would anyone know where a random razor blade lay anyways? His fingers slid over the sharp metallic blade. The night wind was blowing heavily.

He heard someone coming. So he plucked it into his pocket before he could have a second chance to think. He turned to the door, opened up, and shoved his hands into his pockets. Trying to seem as normal as he could.

“What are you doing out here Ben?” She asked, glancing around the courtyard with alert eyes. There might be a walker or even a person lurking nearby who might just reach out and grab one of the two.

He shrugged his shoulders trying to seem nonchalant, his eyes looking out into the night sky at the stars. “Just getting some air,” he answered easily.

She pulled him closer, wrapping her arm around his side because he was too tall to reach his shoulders. “Well come back it’s not safe out here,” She said worriedness dripping from her voice. He only nodded and allowed her to pull him back into the prison, the walls now shielding him from the cold night air.

Ben had only been at the prison for a couple of days and he wouldn’t admit it if anyone asked but he was beginning to relax. The people around weren’t bad. They were actually pretty nice. But that doesn’t mean he trusted them. Not after before and how many people crossed him.

Everyone seemed to have a task. He stood at the bottom of the stairs nervously watching as everyone moved routinely because he didn't want to get in the way.

“How about you come and help me?” She asked, standing behind him with a clothes basket sitting on her hip. Ben nodded and followed her up the stairs.

When they reached the next floor he stood there watching her dump a pile of clothes out on the table. “I haven’t thought about laundry in a while” He finally spoke up. He used to hate having to wash clothes. It was probably one of his least favorite chores next to taking the trash outside. It’s crazy to think but now he’d rather be doing that at the moment. Everything before that was so important seemed so insignificant now.

She only hummed to show she was listening as she set a pair of socks down. “Well we still have to do boring things now and then,” She said before handing a shirt to him and pressing it against his chest.

He took the hint and began to fold. Silence fell between the two and Carol eyed the boy next to her. He was opening up more but he still seemed skittish when anyone spoke to him. There wasn't any clue as to what he had been through. She then noticed the high school jacket he was wearing. The small symbol on his chest. It was from a high school. She was right he was still just a teenager. “I could get that stain out of your jacket for you” She offered, trying to be kind.

He pulled back, dropping a half-folded shirt in the process. Carol looked at him in concern and he cleared his throat leaning back like before and reaching for the dropped clothing. But his face looked like he was panicking. His eyes were wide and his lips downwards into a frown. “Oh no it’s okay,” He said weakly.

She looked at him with a suspicious expression looking directly into his eyes. Like she was searching for any reason to question him or just to drop the subject. “Okay, that's fine,” She said, voice full of sweetness and a smile on her lips. Before turning back towards the clothes. Ben only swallowed the lump in his throat. That was close.

Ben and Carol stood on the top of the stairs folding clothes for a while until she finally spoke back up. “You’ve helped me long enough, how about you go do something else?” She said dismissively. She could have done all of the laundry herself if she was being honest. Ben nodded hesitatingly and walked away shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. He didn’t know what else he could do, take another nap or maybe go and talk to Glenn.

Unluckily it was still early in the day. He probably wouldn't be able to get any sleep not with the nightmare he was having. He went down into the cafeteria but he didn’t see anyone around. Maybe it was better that way he did enough socializing with Carol for the day. But he could hear someone walking in through the hallway before he walked out.

It was the same man that found him.

He should probably thank the man. Start off on a good point with him. He watched as the man walked into the room and to the table setting his crossbow down and over to a shelf rummaging through it like he was looking for something.

Ben took a couple of steps closer but didn’t get any closer. The man looked up at him and then back to what he was doing. That made it a little easier. “Thanks uhm for saving me,” He said a bit sheepishly. Stammering slightly over his words.

Daryl didn’t even spare him a glance; he just grabbed his crossbow from the table and walked out. He must have found what he was looking for. Glenn appeared walking in behind Ben. He saw the whole thing. “Don’t mind Daryl that’s just how he is” He spoke up making Ben turn to look at him.

Ben looked at him in disbelief. All he did was thank the man and he walked away. Glenn just chuckled. “He’s a great guy once you get to know him” He had thought the same thing about Daryl that the Dixon brothers were just trouble makers but the man had saved his ass more than once.

“He’s just worried about his brother” Ben could relate he missed his little sister and worried constantly about her. Sometimes he couldn’t help but think what if she was still alive somewhere?

Chapter Text

Every day, since he had helped Carol with the laundry she would go get or find Ben and bring him to do something. More laundry or a check around the perimeter or just simple things around the prison. It was becoming a routine. So when he spotted Carol he jogged up to her. “What are we doing today?” He asked, feeling cheerful for the day. The sun was bright and was able to get a good nights rest the night before. No nightmare.

“We're going to practice,” She said, gesturing to the gun on her side. It was in a holster and resting on her jeaned hip. Ben slowed down the excitement disappearing from his face. “I know how to shoot a gun” He defended.

“But do you have good aim?” She asked a little firm. So he knew she was being serious. So he would take it seriously.

Ben shrank down at that, his shoulders deflating making him look as short as he could seem. His lips turned into a frown. He knew he didn’t have a good aim. Clementine had a better aim than he did. A nine-year-old was more helpful than him.

Their little setup wasn’t bad at all. It was just out in the field old cans from dinner that didn’t have any use anymore sitting on top of a piece of junk. Something that he wouldn’t ruin even if he shot it.

She stood behind him, her arms across her chest. A steady expression across her face meant she was taking this seriously. It was a life-and-death situation after all.

He held his arms out. His eyes shut as he looked down at the scope. He waited until his arms were steady and he slowly pulled the trigger. But it didn’t even hit the can. “A little higher” She commanded.

It took a while but he was able to hit the target within the first shot. When he heard the ping of the can and saw it flying to the ground he lowered the gun and turned towards Carol with a small proud grin. “Good job” She complimented.

He wasn’t going to all of a sudden be a great aim over an hour but he was progressively getting better and it showed. He cheered turning to Carol with a smile and she nodded at him with a smile on her face.

From the courtyard, he could see a boy scoffing and walking away heading back into the prison. It was the same one from dinner. He never talked to him if they came into the same room he just walked out. It was beginning to anger Ben. “He doesn't like me, does he?” He asked without looking away from the retreating figure of the boy.

Carol frowned slightly. “He’s been through a lot” She reasoned almost gently to him. She worried about Carl. The boy hadn’t acted the same since they were at Hershel's farm. He was more distant and easily angered.

But Carol had her fair share of deaths and grief. She knew Carl wasn’t the same hell none of them were. Not after the apocalypse and dead people begin to come back and eat the living.

Anger flooded into his stomach and he turned to Carol. “Haven’t we all?” He said bitterly. Like that was a good excuse to act rude and bratty to someone. Especially someone he didn’t know anything about or what they had been through.

Carol nodded in understatement. Looking off into the distance she finally spoke up. “I had a daughter .. Sophia,” She said quietly, almost too quiet for him to hear. Ben relaxed, his eyes widening. ‘Had’ He knew what that meant.

Just thinking of her daughter made a small but sad smile appear on her face. “She was the best thing in my life,” She said wistfully like she was just thinking about her daughter. About her contagious laughter and funny personality and how much she missed hugging her.

She cleared her throat, her throat dry.“My point is we’ve all lost someone and we’re allowed time to grieve” Ben nodded agreeingly. He didn't know what Carl had been through. Just like he didn’t know what he had been through.

He lost people too. Family, friends, and then all over again.

She looked away from the fence and field behind it and back towards Ben. He looked regretful. She could see it in his eyes. "Even if it's in different ways' ' She said trailing off.

After the short conversation, they both began walking back up to the prison building. Ben’s eyes widened in thoughtfulness and he tried to handle back to Carol. “Here this is yours to keep” She shook her head smiling at him.

Ben wobbled only slightly his eyes, widening a bit in surprise. “I can’t take your gun,” He said once more trying to hand the gun back to Carol.

“Don’t worry about that you need a weapon” He nodded and hesitatingly he put the gun in the back of his pants covered by his jacket. He looked down at it in a new light. This was his. Even before he didn’t have his gun Lily or Lee gave him one to use but this was his.

Sitting up in his bed quickly. Sweat on his forehead. He bent over rubbing his eyes as he tried to calm his breathing. It was the same dream. The messed up one from the night on the RV. It was like his mind was punishing himself. Even in his dreams.

His cell wasn’t much to look at just four walls and a bunk bed. There was a simple sheet allowing him privacy. But it was surely better than anything he had found out there. At least since the Motor Inn. He probably wouldn’t ever find anything better than what he had there.

When he took the razor he hadn’t planned on using it. That’s what he told himself. It was just a precaution in case things got too hard for him to handle. Kind of like a stress relief or more accurately a way out?

But hadn’t things already gotten too hard to handle?

Sitting up so he was hanging over the bed he took the razor out from beneath his bed. He held the small razor between his fingers. His finger slid over the sharp edge. He knew it was wrong. His parents would be disappointed in him. But what else did he have to live for? His mother, his father, and his sister were all dead.

With that final thought. It was like a final decision. His eyebrows pinched together and he quickly pulled his sleeve up to his elbow with his free hand.

Two small lines were across his wrist. They were red and worn like they had been there for a while. He traced them with his thumb with a tired expression across his face. He was so tired. Tired of surviving, tired of fighting, just tired.

Then he ran the razor across his wrist. Quick and fast cutting into his skin sending a sharp sensation throughout his body. But it was almost peaceful. The pain distracted him from his problems. The way all he could think about was the stinging sensation. It was just an escape from his life.

He sat there on the prison bed staring at his wrist until the feeling was finally coming down and trickles of blood were beginning to run down his wrist. He didn’t mean to cut so deep.

“Shit” He mumbled.

His eyes widened. He was just now realizing what he did. Dropping the razor back under the mattress he pressed his fingers to the cut. Like he was trying to stop the bleeding.

It was just Ben and Hershel. He sat at one of the free tables in the cafeteria as Hershel poured some hydrogen peroxide into the cut. Biting his lips he tried to ignore the stinging sensation and think about other things. Like how did they have hydrogen peroxide?

“So do you want to tell me how this happened?” he finally spoke, looking up at him. Ben looked away from his gaze and at the wall behind his head. But the man gave him a stern look. “I was outside and fell... I cut myself on some piece of metal” He said reluctantly.

“Don’t lie to me boy” Ben flinched at the loud tone. His hand retracted only slightly. The man was still holding onto his hand so he couldn’t go far.

Hershel sighed realizing he was only scaring the teenager. It’s just that he reminded him of his youngest daughter. His sweet Beth at one point thought he had almost lost her like the rest of his family. All he had left in this world was his daughters and he was going to do his damnedest to keep them safe.

“I don’t know what you’ve been through but this-” He said gesturing to Ben’s wrist in his hold and the cut that was still wet.

“Harming yourself won’t help,” He said more gently. He didn’t want to see the same thing happen to another child. Not when he could have done something about it.

Ben had dreams before all this. He was planning on graduating and going to college. He was going to become a school counselor. His goal was to help the kids in need and suffering in silence. The ones like him.

But plans changed and here he was in a prison with an old man telling him that cutting himself wasn’t going to solve his problems. Well, what did he know?

"I'm sorry for whatever you’ve been through but you don't have to act like such an ass" Ben paused realizing what he just said. The boy could do anything he could tell his father and get him kicked out of the prison or worse killed.

After staying quiet the angry expression flooded away from his face and he ducked his head for a moment. Scared of what he might do. What he could do. "You're right," he said reluctantly.

Ben released a huge breath in relief. His widened eyes were relaxing back closed. "We're okay?" He asked in surprise. Maybe Carl wasn’t as bad as he thought.

"Yeah we're okay" They both stood there awkwardly. The small argument was over now neither knew what to do or say next. Until Carl spoke back up. "Do you like comics?" He asked, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes looking off behind Ben. He kind of reminded him of his little sister. The stubbornness.

“Yeah I love comics,” He said with a small smile growing across his face. Carl only nodded and led Ben to his cell to look over the two torn-up comics he had.

Despite the awkwardness at first, it was probably the best thing Bens has done since this whole apocalypse. He was able to just sit there and read a comic like he was still a kid and stay up past his bedtime.

After that Ben and Carl were quick to become friends. They had similar interests and were able to talk about things other than walkers. It was better than before when the only company he had was middle-aged adults or a nine-year-old.

He was beginning to grow comfortable with his new group. The people weren’t mean like he thought they were just regular people trying to survive like him but he still hadn’t talked to everyone.

Carol was nice and so was Glenn. They both tried to look out for him. Although he wasn’t sure about Daryl, he didn’t seem bad, only a little gruff. And he tried his best to stay away from Rick. He could tell something was up with him. Some days he was okay and others he was distant and looking off nowhere like he was talking to someone.

"I don't think we've talked before I'm Beth" She threw out a hand for him to shake a smile on her lips. He was so in his mind he didn’t see Beth come up beside him.

"Ben," He answered easily, returning the shake. He's seen the blonde around the prison, a baby cradled in her arms. She seemed to be too young for a baby. He soon caught on and realized the dynamics: the baby was Carl’s sister and Beth took care of her. But it wasn't any of his business.

"He seems happier" She commented lowly. So only he could hear.

Ben followed her gaze. To see Carl across the field standing with his father. They both looked to be in a serious conversation. "Since you appeared" She continued finally looking away and back to Ben before the boy noticed their eyes.

He nodded unsurly looking away from the two out in the field. "It's nice to be here," He said, clearly trying to change the topic. “I know we have so much space,” She said cheerfully, even waving her hands slightly to make her point.

“Beth '' Maggie hollered from the steps a bundle of blankets cradled in her arms. Judith, he assumed. Beth was always in charge of taking care of Judith.

She was about to turn and walk away when she looked back at Ben. "You know you can always talk to me" Ben blinked confusedly, his mouth opening but nothing coming out. He wasn’t sure what that meant. But Beth seemed to be pretty nice.

The conversation was cut short when Carl hollered. “There’s a woman at the gate” The woman opened her mouth to speak before she finally collapsed. His eyes widened as there were walkers out there. Automatically he hurried following Rick out there. He didn’t think about what he was going to do. A coward.

She dropped the basket to the ground. When he got a good luck of it he could see it was full of baby formula. His heart felt like it stopped for a moment. The same thing Glenn and Maggie had gone out for.

The group Waited patiently as Hershel looked over at her. He didn't take long until he was done and back up in his seat. She only had a sprained ankle, nothing that serious. He was only a veterinarian after all. When she woke up she was observant and careful. The woman wouldn't speak it took a lot of effort for her to say anything. “I saw an Asian man and woman,” She finally admitted to Rick.

It was almost instantly agreed. No votes or disagreement. They were going after the rest of their group. They were going to go sneak into the Governors place and they would use force if necessary. “We’ll be back before sundown” Rick promised looking over the group. A unreadable expression on his face. Anger or hurt?

Everyone was in a small circle. Talking back and forth and planning how they would enact the plan. “How do we know everyone over there is bad?” He finally spoke up. The others quieted down and looked at him with a mixture of uncertainty and disbelief on their faces. Like he was in the wrong for making the suggestion.

Nobody wanted to say anything. “We're only going to get Maggie and Glenn, there's not going to be a fight,” Rick finally responded. His tone soft and sure. Ben looked at him and finally nodded, tightening the hold he had on his stomach.

That was it and a small group left to go and save Glenn and Maggie. It was just Ben and Carl left to protect the group. Only a few guns left in the prison. The responsibility was heavy on his shoulders. His gut felt hard as steel. The last time he was given the responsibility to protect or watch over someone he lost Clem.

Ben waited at one of the cafeteria tables holding his head. His anxiety was so high it would hit the ceiling and probably shoot through it. Really he needed to learn to calm down. He didn't escape the bandits and Crawford just to have another group trying to control him. He didn't want to be involved in killing innocent people.

It had already been a couple of hours since the group had left. One hand on the table and the other on his head the headache still there. Then he sat up straight he could hear someone coming or many people. By the foot sounds against the concrete floor. It wasn't Rick it couldn't be. They wouldn't be back for another few hours.

He looked across the room making eye contact with everyone. Hershel nodded his head and motioned to the door. Indirectly telling him what to do. Wordlessly he stood up to look into the room, his hand lingering on his gun tucked in his pants. He didn't want to have to use it. Not on humans.

But just then Carl appeared from the shadows, a group tailing behind him. He could actually feel a thankful gasp escape his lips. But as he observed the group one was visibly injured and the man holding her sat her down on the floor. His eyes widened and he lowered his gun, his finger still resting near the trigger.

His first thought was what if she was bit and the other was that the others weren’t going to like this. They were supposed to keep the doors locked and sealed. No going outside or separating. It was an order from Rick.

Now he knew this was a bad idea. Herschel wanted to let the group into the cafeteria to eat and give them medical attention. But there were four of them. Ben waited his arms across his chest as he leaned against the wall. Trying to keep himself in the corner away from the group to watch.

When the group got back Maggie and Glenn were with them but not Daryl and Merle. Something clearly happened. Rick kicked the group out and began screaming crazed. No one stopped him, everyone only watched as the group fled in fear and angerment.

Rick finally left the room, everyone still waiting in the cafeteria. “Why’d he do that?” He said finally speaking up. He just couldn’t understand why Rick would kick out a group of people. People who could help. He hadn't seen anything like that before. Why would Rick let him stay but not them.

"Ricks has been ..stressed ever since Lori's death," Hershel said slowly like he wasn’t sure what to exactly say. Or maybe if he should say anything. Ben only nodded reluctantly listening to the man. But he couldn't help but eye the spot where Rick was just standing. The place where he kicked a group off sending them to their deaths.

They have weapons. Guns bullets and everything they thought they would need. Rick Carl and the woman that showed up at the gate. Michonne he thought. “Are you sure this is the right thing?” He nervously asked, eyeing the stack of guns on the cafeteria table. It was kind of ironic for them to be inside a prison.

Glenn spoke up with an angry expression crossing his face. His voice came out a bit harsher than he expected. “They kidnapped us, they were going to kill us,” He said, dangling on the edge of anger.

Carol walked up behind him and patted his shoulder and when he looked at her she gave him a comforting smile. “We tried the peaceful way,” She said gently, her hand still resting on his shoulder. Ben only nodded unconvinced.

Ever since Rick and the group left Ben was left on edge. He didn’t want anyone to die or get hurt. He didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t come together. To benefit everyone. But everyone just wanted to fight.

It passed sundown it was the morning of the next day already. Just when he was beginning to think negatively. Maybe the group was found and held captive or worse killed. A bus was seen rolling into the field and up the hill. Someone ran down and opened the gate. Ben waited nervously as the door opened and people poured off of it. Adults elderly people and children.

Ben felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, a deep breath escaping his lips. Rick chose a different option. Even though what the governor did he chose to save the innocent people. He only stood there for a second until he automatically followed Beth and the others to give everyone a hand off of the bus.

As he helped each person, even giving them a wide grin as they passed Ben couldn’t help but feel hopeful. They could make it work and try to build something. A safe place. It was like a new beginning. Or a chance to redeem himself.

Chapter Text

Life for Ben had become increasingly easier inside the prison. Sure dead people were still walking around outside but he didn’t have to go outside the gates. No, that was someone else's problem. He had a job of his own. He was in charge of the kids.

Interacting with kids was way easier than with adults or someone like Daryl. They automatically looked up to him; he didn't have to prove himself to them.

“We should be teaching these kids self defense” This wasn’t the first time Carol had tried to bring the topic up. But he had hoped she would just drop it.

He picked at his lip with his thumb rubbing the corner of his mouth. His eyes squinted slightly. A slight nervous but more thoughtful tick he had picked up. Carl joked that it made him look like an old man. “Have you talked to Rick about this?” He eventually asked.

“Not yet” She said kind of sheepishly or at least tried to appear and sound sheepish.

Ben sighed feeling exasperated with the woman and walked away picking up the books left on the tables from the last reading with the children. He didn’t say anything but only gathered them into one pile. He finally turned around to Carol leaned against the door waiting for him to answer her.

She wasn’t going to leave until he answered her. Or told her what she wanted to hear. “It’s not that I disagree but you should really talk to Rick first” He liked Carol really. She was the first person in the prison that he created a bond with.

But that didn’t mean he was going to go against Rick’s wishes or the counsels he didn’t want to get into trouble. Didn’t want to cause any more trouble for anyone. She nodded understandably and walked out the door, closing it harshly behind her.

He let out a sigh as the door slammed and grabbed the pile of books so he could put them in the book shelf.

Ben whistled as he strolled throughout the prison block. He was in a happy mood with the conversation with Carol not on his mind for now he was on his way to Beth’s cell. But a loud conversation caught his attention. Stopping near the wall so he wouldn’t be caught he peeked his head over the edge. It was a short boy and he was looking away from him. “I do talk to people” The voice defended loud.

There was another person, a tall man with a scruffy beard. Then he realized it was Rick standing in front of the boy. That means it was Carl. He really shouldn’t be eavesdropping. But he had no means to move.

“Yea Ben and Beth try and talk to Patrick, someone your own age” But the boy only huffed angrily and stalked right past him. He hid behind the wall quickly. Luckily Carl didn’t notice, probably feeling too emotional.

Inside Beth’s cell Ben sat on the cold floor side to side against Beth. Arms and knees shoved against each other. The only privacy being the almost see through once green sheet covering the door way.

“Well you know how Carl is,” She explained in a soft voice.

“I know it’s just-” He complained almost immaturely.

There was clearly something else on his mind. Something else he was worried about but he bit his tongue. He wasn’t going to tell about Carol’s proposal, not even to Beth.

“You're worried about him” She continued with reassurance with soft eyes and a touch of a hand that covered his own. Ben nodded slightly, his eyes drifting to the floor and his sneakers.

“He reminds me of my sister” That wasn’t all a lie. He had the same spunk that she used to have. The same attitude, even the same color of eyes. It was like a punishment.

“What was she like?” She asked softly.

Ben looked up from the floor when the image of his sister plagued his mind. Her big smile and bouncy hair that she made sure to keep a bow in at all times.

“She was the best little sister anyone could ask for, she was ten years younger than me but she thought she was older“ He recalled with a chuckle. Beth smiled sweetly as she watched him.

They both stayed there on the prison floor that was supposed to be Beth’s bedroom. It felt like hours had passed when Ben had to finally leave. He had to get up early and help Carol before he read to the kids.

When Ben wakes up. There’s screaming and gunshots. He grabs his hand gun and runs out of his cell. When he looks out it’s chaos. There’s walkers and people bleeding out on the floor.

He hurries down the stairs. There’s a walker creeping up behind Daryl and the man doesn’t even notice too occupied with the re animated greg. Daryl turns swiftly around his crossbow still in his hands. “Thank’s kid” He nods.

Ben could only return the nod before he had to turn and shoot a walker trying to grab at his head. He had been awake no longer than five minutes and the day had already gone to shit.

Patrick started it all. Unintentionally of course. Ben stared down at the body. He knew the kid. He was one of the older kids but he still hung around the children’s class. He was a good kid; he always tried to help when he could.

He kind of reminded him of himself. Besides the obvious reasons Ben knew the boy suffered from anxiety and mental problems after witnessing his family’s death before he got to the prison.

Ever since that day everyone was falling sick. It was slowly just one person rather than a few then almost everyone was out of commission.

He heard a scream to which almost sounded like blood murder and before Ben could think about it he ran up behind the group coming to a slow stop. He didn't know what he thought he was going to see but this wasn't it.

Two bodies were laid on the ground. They were burned to a crisp. Not even recognizable any more.

Ben looked at the bodies, his eyes widening in shock, he brought the cloth mask up to his mouth and nose. The smell was horrible. Unlike the usual smell of rotten, it smelt like burnt flesh.

He couldn’t help himself whenever he turned away and threw up. The smell overcame his throat and nose. Making his eyes sting. After wiping his mouth and covering it with the cloth he stood back against Rick and Daryl but ways away from the bodies.

"What are we going to do?" He asked in a sick voice, looking over to the others. Daryl shed him a single glance over his shoulder. Maybe out of worry? Rick only seemed to be in shock he hadn’t ever seen anything like that until he finally spoke up.

"We're going on lock down" He answered determinedly.

It didn’t take long, maybe a day or two, until wearing a mask was basically mandatory now. With so many people infected. There were more people in the prison sick than not. There weren't even enough doctors to take care of the sick.

When Rick said they were going on lock down he meant it. The sick people, the children, everyone was going on lock down.

Ben followed the children to the cell block like he was herding them there and when he got to the door he cleared his throat directing their attention to him. "I know it's going to be hard," He said gently, his eyes roaming across the group.

“But you have to be strong” He encouraged. A few children agreed and a few let out noises that sounded like protest. Carol held the door open for them with a mask on her face as she watched the children go in one by one until it got to Ben.

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “You're going in with them too” She said, making no room for argument.

“What are you talking about?” He asked defensively. Stepping away from the woman.

She didn’t shut the door but just kept it open. “I want to stay out here and help.” What could he do there? He was just beginning to feel useful for once. He could help Hershel or even Rick anything.

“We don’t have many people left, Ben you're their teacher you need to take care of them” SHe said looking out and to the children waiting for Ben inside the room. They looked scared and unsure what to do.

Ben sighed and ran a hand through his hair in stress. He knew she was right. She knew she was right and she knew he knew. He was just being stubborn. “I guess this is where we hug and say bye” He finally said.

Carol pressed the cloth to her mouth harder. As if it would help somehow. “We can’t hug,” She said in a tight voice.

He walked inside not even sparing Carol a glance until the large door slammed behind him. Ben had only been in there for two days until he escaped. Well he didn’t exactly escape he walked out. It wasn’t like anyone was keeping him inside.

He knew he was supposed to be inside. Keeping an eye on the children in D block. But if he was being honest he didn’t care he left the kids with michelle. The nice lady that would sometimes help him at the book readings.

Ben hurried down to the gate and someone he didn’t even pay attention to opened it for him. Rick was there unloading supplies from the vehicle. But he didn’t see Carol anywhere.

“Where’s Carol?” He asked, glancing around the car with a raised eyebrow. He even took his mask down the cloth falling down to his neck. But still he kept a safe distance from Rick. The man had a baby and son after all and he respected that.

Rick only shook his head, his eyes not even looking at him. Out of guilt? No it couldn’t be? Ben’s expression fell and he stopped. “Ben” He tried reaching out like he was trying to comfort him. He only took a step back, shaking him off.

Ben ducked his head, shaking it slightly. “No” He said louder looking back up at Rick, his eyes glassy. Then he ran off back the way he came the mask still discarded to his neck. Just like a coward he would always be.

Carol was the best person he had ever met in his life. She treated him like his mother used to. Like he was still a kid but responsible at the same time. Not like the others at the motor inn. No she didn’t yell at him for being incompetent nor did she put a gun in his hands with a list of expectations.

But he should’ve known not to get too close to anyone.

It only left him to revel in pain afterwards.

It always happens. No where was safe to stay. Not anymore. The school wasn’t safe from the bandits, the motor inn wasn’t safe from the bandits and the farm wasn’t safe from the very people that ran it. Now he was running away from a new kind of enemy.

A man that held too much power. A fake governor and leader.

It went by fast like a picture movie, one of those movies he used to watch with Travis.

The Governor had Hershel, the nice man that tried to help him, try to tell him that hurting himself was not the way he had him on the ground, a sword against his throat. Michone’s sword, the woman that brought Judith formula.

He really thought Rick would show up or one of the others would do something and save Herschel but that was just wishful thinking because the sword sliced across his neck and he watched as the old man fell to the ground blood spurting so furious from his neck he could see it from behind the fence.

Beth was screaming Maggie was screaming and was he screaming? Was that his voice? He could remember the sound of guns and the weight of the rifle in his arms as he shot furiously at the people at the tank at anything that was on the other side of the fence at anything that had broken down their fence and trampled into there home.

He wasn’t even sure if he was making it or not. He wasn’t sure if he was actually hitting anybody or just wasting bullets that could be used later on. He felt empty like he was running on autopilot. His eyes were stinging and his ears were ringing.

Then a hand grabbed him and yanked him. Ben jumped his shoulders shaking his hands tightening in reflex on the gun and he turned his eyes wide after being startled. “Ben, you need to move,” Maggie ordered in a strangled voice.

That’s right. He needed to get out of there needed to get to somewhere safe. But where does he go?

She was in front of him so close. When did that happen? “Hey are you listening?” She asked once more. But all he could pay attention to was the tears stained on her face mixed in with grime and the tears that were still flowing.

She grabbed him by the face so he was looking at her in the eyes. “I need you to stick with Beth and get on the bus” She said slowly until he finally nodded and only then did she reach out and hug him. Like it was a lifeline like it was goodbye. Hell maybe that’s what it is, maybe this is goodbye.

“I got it” He finally replied voice on the edge of breaking as she pulled back the once comforting feeling gone. She was already taking the rifle from his hands so she could take his place. “Be safe Maggie” It wasn’t a request nor was it a wish, it was a promise.

She smiled a toothless smile, tears still painting her cheeks. “You too” Then she ran away joining the others in their weak attempt at giving the sick and weak a chance of escaping.