Chapter Text
- Chapter thirty-seven -
- Sunday morning -
- Griffin’s quarters -
“I see that you know who I am, he said through gritted teeth. Can I come in? I don’t think you’d want everyone to hear what I have to say.”
Without a word, she opened her door fully and took a step back. He entered and closed the door and the whole time, she couldn’t look away from him. His hair was cut short. Shorter than she had ever seen before. It gave him a nice and serious look, and that suited him better than she would have expected.
Apart from that, and his younger appearance, he was the same.
The most handsome boy she had ever met.
It made sense that he was with the most beautiful girl she had ever met.
Once the door closed, none of them said a word. Finn was so angry that his fists were clenched tightly. His eyes were glaring at her with such intensity, and she should have been afraid if she didn’t know about his peaceful disposition. Without a trigger, he would never hurt someone.
She sighed, knowing that Finn wasn’t her Finn anymore. That was probably for the better.
“I… hum, what can I do for you?”
That seemed to trigger him, his eyes glowed with something close to hatred. And when he opened his mouth, she could tell he truly hated her. That pained her, but she quickly understood why.
“You kissed MY girlfriend !”
She opened her mouth but, not knowing what to say, she closed it again. Truly, she didn’t expect Raven to confess to her boyfriend. But she should have. Raven was loyal. And to Finn, it was almost devotion. She must have felt incredibly ashamed, especially after losing her mother, which left him as the only family she had left.
“Well… in my defense, she kissed me.”
“That’s your defense?” he asked voice dripping with condescension. “She was in a vulnerable state! You took advantage of that!”
Somehow she felt relieved to see that he didn’t blame Raven at all, meaning, their relationship wasn’t jeopardized. But, at the same time, it meant that he was mad at her.
She opened her mouth to answer but came up short. Seeing him fuming and waiting for an answer, she tried hard to find something to appease him.
“I… I didn’t mean to. I was surprised by my reaction to it. So yes, I didn’t stop it when I should have but…”
“You expect me to believe you? Everyone knows that you’re a womanizer!”
“I… I am what now?”
Saying she was stunned was an understatement.
"You seduce people like it’s nothing!"
Clarke stood with her mouth open, completely bewildered.
"Fox, Murphy, Phit, Jones... and now Raven? What is it with you and lowlifes? Are you that bored? Is it some kind of Alpha thing? Or just a Princess one?"
"That’s... that’s preposterous! I only kissed Fox! The others are just friends!"
"Yeah, right. You didn’t kiss Murphy or Raven, and Jones and Phit just happened to have crushes on you."
His sarcasm was annoying. Wait, Jones has a crush on her? Wait, how did he know that Murphy kissed her?
“Murphy is the one who kissed me and it was a joke!” she retorted, visibly irritated now.
“Yeah, sure. Like Raven.”
“Raven isn’t a joke and yes, she is the one who initiated it”, she answered through clenched teeth.
She probably shouldn’t push on that if she really wanted Raven and Finn to stay in a great relationship. That made him more angry and, furious, he took a step to invade her space.
“Stay away from her.”
Clarke clenched her own jaw.
“She’s my friend, and she’s grieving. If she needs me, I’ll be there.”
“She’s MY girlfriend.”
Clarke took a big breath. She needed to calm down. Finn wasn’t the enemy here - and she could hear the desperation slipping into his voice. That touched something in her, even sparked a bit of curiosity.
“ I know. And I am sorry. I won’t do anything like that again, I promise. I was surprised and didn’t react the way I should have. But she is still my friend and she will need every one of us to overcome such grief.”
She could see him hesitate, and Clarke understood for the first time why Raven wasn’t willing to let him go — even after finding out he’d cheated. He was really, truly in love with her. She could read it in his eyes — in the depth of his feelings — and the despair behind them made him look even more heartbreakingly beautiful. He was trembling, full of anger and fear, but at the same time, she could see how much he cared about Raven’s fight.
In the end, his love for her won out. He took a step back and gave Clarke a reluctant nod.
"She will need it. She will need you," he added despite himself. "She always talks about you since she met you. Murphy too, but mostly you. She found you fascinating and smart, on par with her, and that’s saying something for her. She always felt alone in this area. You fill a void there. You are also her first female friend. And she was surprised to find you even kind and reliable. Not only with her mother but with all of your friends too. She thought that you were all talk and superficial. But you aren’t."
She nodded, at a loss for words. She hadn’t expected all of these compliments, and especially coming from him. After a pause he asked, in an almost fragile voice:
"Please, don’t take her from me. She is… she is everything I have too."
That was unexpected. So their dependence was mutual? How could she pretend to have loved him if she wasn’t even aware of that? What was his family situation exactly? His status? Where did he live? She was now devoured by curiosity. It seems that, despite everything, she was still in love with him somehow. Or maybe it was the one from the past she loved, but that didn’t change the fact that it was Finn in front of her. Alive and well. Happy before she barged into his life again.
"I won’t, I promise. And even if I wanted to, she would never leave you. You are all she has, I promise you. She talked about you all the time."
He nodded, uncertain but somehow grateful for her words. When he turned to leave, she wanted to ask him to stay. To be her friend.
She missed him despite everything. Despite Lexa. She still thought about him a lot. But she didn’t want him to die because of her, so in the end, she let him go without another word.
With a sigh, she looked at the door closing, her mind numb and her feelings all over the place. She couldn’t stop thinking about Finn’s death or Raven’s kiss. She couldn’t stop thinking about Lexa’s caresses or Costia’s despair over her lover. She was even more lost now than she was before.
“I want to see Lexa,” she murmured.
Please.
Without a word, Raun did as asked and immediately, Clarke felt relieved. Her shoulders sagged under her love — still intact, still deep — for the one and only Lexa.
After a few minutes spent contemplating her marvelous face and incredible eyes — the deepest of her feelings reflected there — she felt at peace again, even if she had talked a little too closely to her liking to Costia.
So she opened her eyes and breathed more easily.
She didn’t know what the future held for her in regard to her love life. She felt something for Raven, and she still had feelings for Finn, but her love for Lexa was the same as ever — as deep as the ocean and pure as the sun.
She was her star and her moon.
Maybe she would never be truly hers.
But maybe she would.
She would do anything in her power to have her back. That was the only thing she was sure of. And she would cling to it until she cleared her feelings for Raven and Finn. And until she knew how to deal with them.
***
By the end of the day, Clarke found it in her to go see Shumway.
She was still very uneasy with the way he looked at her. But there was nothing she could do, so she did her best to put it aside and push forward with her agenda.
She waited for him to leave his goons and took advantage of a moment he was alone in the middle of a stairway to join him discreetly.Immediately upon seeing her, his eyes became full of devotion, and her stomach burned. She did her best to ignore it and nodded her head toward the door, which led to a storage room at the end of the stairway. Then, without a word, she passed him and entered the room after having looked around.
He followed a few minutes later and bowed at the waist. She grimaced but let him do it. It would look great in front of the grounders if every one of her followers did that.
Anyway, it would be a problem for later.
"What do you have for me?"
"The controls are less and less about domination and corruption now. My guys want to catch up yours."
"Ours. They’re mine like you — meaning they’re under your authority and care. Consider them even above your guards from now on."
Shumway nodded without a word. That was one of the few things she liked about this whole situation. His devotion made him completely loyal and uncurious about her orders. He would just carry them out like it was normal. That, too, would look good in front of the grounders. Maybe she should make him his master's spy, once on earth? Or her main general? He would always be loyal and execute her orders without a word.
"So, will there be more controls?"
"Not necessarily. I have a few sergeants who want to trap our troublemakers. They’re level-headed. They’ll plan this carefully."
"Will they report to you before doing it?"
He shook his head.
"We have a lenient policy. As long as it doesn’t attract bad attention and we still follow orders dutifully, we’re all kind of autonomous."
"That’s not convenient," she sighed. "What can you do to prevent our troublemakers from falling for it?"
"I can teach them how the sergeants think and how we strategize."
"That’s a beginning but not enough."
"We should be prepared to lose them or at least some."
"Not acceptable."
Her voice was sharp. He nodded.
"Then we need to stop it."
She nodded, then thought.
"Where are we at concerning the corruption files?"
"I have some finished, with great proof."
"About who?"
"The elite mainly."
"Nothing about the guards?"
"I have everything against them, but..."
"But what?"
"We’ll need them."
"How so?" she asks, intrigued.
"They’re the ones able to find proof against the elite. They can go everywhere, are unseen most of the time. And because they’re corruptible, our targets trusted them. And the only reason they gave all of their proof to me is because I’m one of them and..."
"Were," she cut him.
"Yes — was one of them. And that’s because I have power over them and give some leniency toward their own behavior."
"Of course," Clarke mumbled, annoyed.
"If I may?"
Clarke raised her head, curious.
"I’m listening."
He nodded.
"Let me use them — that gives us what we need against the ones with real power. Then we make them fall. They gave me everything I needed without me having to get my hands dirty."
"I know it’s the best solution, but that means people will suffer until then… that doesn’t sit well with me."
"Maybe… we can delegate the aftermath to some of our guys?"
"That means the damage won’t be avoided."
"That also means our guys will stay safe. And people will feel indebted to you and to them for taking care of things after the fact."
She sent him a scornful glare, but he didn’t flinch. He was as cold as ever. But in this case, she needed that. Because he was right. In the long run, that would help her with her people. She didn’t want to be calculated — in her opinion, that wasn’t doing better — but maybe, if that helped save more lives, it was?
She sighed. Her head was hurting with all the possibilities.
"Okay," she accepted. "We’ll stop the operations and let the guards do their misdeeds. But as soon as you’re aware of the problem they created, you need to contact our people to help with the aftermath."
"How do I know which of them to contact? The aftermath could be anything."
Clarke became thoughtful and Shumway stayed dutifully at her side without a word.
Clarke was impressed. He was a perfect guard — on par with grounder level.
"Okay. I’ll delegate someone to this, and they’ll be in charge of contacting the right people each time."
"Who will that be?"
"I don’t know. I need to talk with them first and see if they’ll take the job voluntarily. I need to call them off anyway."
He nodded and waited for further instruction. Clarke, despite herself, felt good about that. If more people were like him, her job would be easier. She shook herself out of her thoughts.
"We’ll meet again here next week. Same hour and day."
He nodded, and they said their farewells. He bowed at the waist again, and she reminded him to keep his deference under the radar until further instruction. He’d almost forgotten himself two weeks ago when they crossed paths. That had made for an awkward moment with her mother and Jaha. He probably would have been suspicious if her mother hadn’t turned his attention away quickly.
When she left her stockroom, she decided to go to Raven’s. She needed to clear the air and see if she hadn’t done any damage to her relationship with Finn. She hadn’t had any news from her, and she needed to see how she was doing. After that, she needed to find some of her friends to spread the word about the end of their actions and the steps they needed to take.
Luckily, she ran into Miller almost right away. Well… was it luck if she ran into him in the vicinity of the guards’ headquarters? Anyway, she smiled happily and called out to him. He was at the crossroads between every station, and she joined him quickly.
"Nathan!"
He turned his head to her and showed surprise, and a light but nice smile spread across his lips. That was progress in their relationship she never had before.
He was really happy to see her, and she cherished being able to break the hard and reserved exterior of her friend.
"Hey, Princess. How are you?"
To her annoyance, he had adopted the nickname John and Bellamy had said as a joke once. And it was spreading like wildfire.
"Clarke is fine," she insisted.
"I know. I just think it suits you well — in a nice way," he added when she became somber. "You’re like a princess from the old fairytales, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "Blonde with blue eyes."
"And an ample chest," he jokes.
"I don’t have an ample chest," she snapped, irritated. "Yet," she added under her breath.
"I know," he laughed, "but that’s what John always says, and I’m sorry, but it’s funny."
She sighed and glared at him to no avail. She knew she was the one with the smallest chest among their friends, and that’s why it made him laugh.
"That’s misogynistic."
"No, it’s not!" he answered, outraged.
"Yes, it is."
"Because I talk about your chest? I’d laugh the same about a guy’s chest!"
"I know. But I’m a woman. So — misogynistic."
He frowned, not sure if it was right or even fair. Satisfied to have shut him up, she went on.
"We need to stop the operations against the guards. It’s getting too dangerous. They want to trap us now."
"How do you know that? And if we stop, we let the people down."
"I have my sources," she answered vaguely. "And no, we won’t. We’ll help them face the aftermath."
"You can’t force us to stop," he said, determined to help people.
"And I won’t. But it’s our duty to protect our friends. I assure you — the guards are only setting traps now. We need to stop."
He sighed, and she could see his hands tighten.
"I know how you feel," she said slowly, putting her hand on his shoulder.
"But we will help them. My source is actually collecting all the evidence against every bad guard — and the elite. That takes time, and I can't remove the guards now. We need them to bring down the elite."
His shoulders sagged.
"You’re right. Fine. I’ll spread the word."
"Thank you."
"What were you saying about the aftermath?"
"My source will call one of us when he learns what the guards did. Then we can help the victim face it — not alone."
"It could be anything." Clarke nodded. "Yes. So maybe we won’t need everyone everytime. But we all have different skills. I’m pretty sure we’ll each be useful somehow."
"Okay. So... what now?"
"When you spread the word, mention the meeting I want to hold about our next move. It’ll be next week, during the karaoke session. Invite everyone. Even the ones who haven’t come until now. I’ll explain everything then.” He nodded, with new determination.
That was the guy she remembered — the one with a purpose and a clear path.
Always sure of himself. Always following his leader. It always made her feel strong and confident. Funny, she’d never stopped to notice it before. He was a strength she could count on. She’d need to remember that.
They separated there, and she turned to join the hallway leading to Mecha Station.
It took her about one more hour to reach it. The hallway was crowded, and she seemed unable to stop bumping into people. That, and she ran into some friends, some “friends,” and some people she’d actually helped in secret. All wanted to talk with her for a few minutes. And she wanted to be seen as approachable, so she always stopped with a smile.
When she finally stopped in front of Raven’s door, she gulped, very nervous now. She knocked and waited. When nothing happened, she started to worry Raven wouldn’t be there.
Should I have called her?
She knocked again and called out.
"Raven, it’s me — Clarke!"
After what felt like hours — enough time for Clarke to wonder if she should just leave — Raven finally opened her door. But what she found wasn’t Raven. No. It was Finn.
Too surprised to hide her reaction, she grimaced.
"Yeah. Not the person you were hoping for, huh?" he said with a bitter smile. "Why are you here?"
"I told you I’d still be her friend. She lost her mother and she’s grieving — of course I’ll be here."
Finn glared at her without a word. She frowned but said nothing, knowing it was up to him to decide whether she could be the friend Raven needed right now. In the end — like she knew he would — he chose to be the thoughtful boyfriend he’d always been on the Ark, and opened the door.
Truthfully, she never thought — even when she discovered he cheated on Raven — that he was a bad boyfriend. First, he thought she was dead. Second, yes, he was being idiotic by going headfirst into a new relationship like nothing had ever happened — but that didn’t mean he didn’t still love Raven. Everyone reacts differently when they are in grief. Third, she just always thought he had a love at first sight for her, like she did for him. And that kind of thing can’t be controlled. Especially when what links you to your girlfriend is the fear of being and feeling alone.
On Earth, it was clear to her that Finn had fallen out of love with Raven long before he got with her. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a dick for the way he handled it — but still, she never doubted his love for her, or his attachment to Raven.
Maybe in a few years he’d still be deeply in love with Raven if he thought that Clarke would keep trying to steal her away — and clearly, that would keep them apart.
She sighed, trying not to feel hurt by this new situation, and looked around for Raven.
"Where is she?" she asked, turning toward Finn, who was still keeping the door open.
After a beat, he sighed too and closed the door. He nodded toward another door and said:
"Her room. I can’t convince her to come out. I can’t even convince her to let me in. She thinks I’ll break up with her if she does… I’m not even mad at her!"
The last part was said with a note of despair, and an angry look found her.
"Maybe I can try?"
He snorted.
"Why would she open up to the girl who threatens her relationship with me?"
"Because I’m not really the reason she kissed me. And I’m a girl?"
He frowned, clearly not understanding what she meant.
"She was just sad, Finn. She wanted to feel something other than sadness, despair, and anger. That’s why she kissed me. I’m pretty sure she’s not even into girls."
She could see her words sinking in, and he gave her a small nod of agreement.
"You can still try," he shrugged, falsely dismissive.
She did. And she failed. Again and again. So in the end, she decided to be bold. She turned to a frowning Finn and, with a crooked smile, said loudly:
"Okay, then. If you won’t talk to me because of our kiss, maybe I should even the field?"
When nothing came out of the room, she added:
"Alright, let’s do this. I’ll kiss Finn! Then we’ll all be even!"
"What...?" exclaimed Finn, shocked.
And before she could talk herself out of it, she grabbed him and pressed her lips to his. A second later, the door slammed open and she heard:
"What the fuck, Griffin?! Get off my boyfriend!"
Grinning, Clarke released a stunned Finn and turned to her friend.
"Happy to see you’re alive, Birdie!"
"What the hell, Griffin!" a new, angry Finn exploded a second later. "That’s assault!"
She frowned. Then grimaced. That was. She turned to him apologetically.
"I’m sorry. I wanted to shock Raven, I didn’t think about the consequences and all. But that’s not a good enough reason, so I’m really sorry."
He glared at her, wiping at his mouth with disgust, then turned to his girlfriend with that soft look she once knew so well. Raven looked at them a little puzzled, then her shoulders dropped. She threw her arm toward the dining table in clear invitation, and they followed — happy to have her back.
"First," she said, looking at Clarke, "you’re not allowed to kiss my boyfriend without at least both our permission. Second… I’m sorry I kissed you. I assaulted you."
Clarke tilted her head, puzzled.
"I kissed back."
"I didn’t ask for permission."
"I suppose you're right. But I didn’t feel assaulted, so... thanks for the apology, but I don’t care. Kiss me whenever you want," she finished, opening her arms with a wide smile.
Both Finn and Raven opened their mouths, shocked. She laughed.
"I was kidding!"
Finn frowned, and Raven smiled weakly. But before she could say anything, Finn cut in:
"Can we agree that this will never happen again and just forget about it?"
His anxiety was kinda cute to Clarke’s eyes ( somewhat ).
"When did you two become an item?" she asked, curious to understand why both were so scared the other would dump them.
"That’s not relevant," answered Finn right away.
But at the same time, Raven said:
"Five months."
The couple frowned and looked at each other.
"I see."
That explained everything.
"Anyway, I’m fine to move on if you two are."
Raven nodded — albeit hesitantly — but Finn’s nod was quite firm. That made Clarke smile. Seriously, Finn was way cuter than she remembered. Maybe because he was younger, or because he didn’t yet know how charming he could be. In any case, she appreciated this side of him.
"So, Raven. How are you today?" she asked softly. "That’s my reason for coming," she added to Finn before turning back to Raven.
The girl shrugged.
"How about taking a little walk?"
"To go where?" her boyfriend asked, a bit aggressively.
"Just walk," Clarke answered him with a smile.
It was hard for her to feel annoyed by such a cute expression. She would never tell him, but he looked too much like a child throwing a tantrum — eyes glaring, cheeks almost puffy.
"You can come, of course," she added.
"How generous of you," he retorted sarcastically.
"I know," she replied with a nice smile, just to get under his skin.
He narrowed his eyes but didn’t say a word.
One point for Griffin!
I don’t understand your relationship .
Clarke smiled to herself, even bigger.
And that’s my biggest achievement!
She felt him frown and giggled.
I thought you loved him.
I did. I think I still do. But clearly, he didn’t. And I think it’s time I try to know the real him. Plus, I think we could be good friends. Like... frienemies. I had that at the beginning with Bellamy, and I like this dynamic — I find it stimulating.
Satisfied with her answer, Raun melted again into the background. Clarke didn’t know if she was proud or sad to see him do this more and more. Sometimes, she felt him so much through herself that she felt complete. And other times, she felt lonely and craved to hear his voice again.
"Are you laughing at me?" asked Finn, vexed.
Clarke came back to her interlocutors and shook her head.
"Just something I was thinking about. Sorry for zoning out. So, the walk?" she prompted Raven again.
"Not today. I need to talk with Finn. To clear things out," she clarified to her now worried boyfriend, "not to break up." He nodded, hesitantly, then turned to Clarke — clearly impatient for her to go away.
She smiled, this time a little sad, while getting up. "I hope one day, we’ll be friends," she said to him at the door. Then, to Raven:
"I’ll come back tomorrow. And every day. To walk, to talk, to plan, to train, and to confide. I need you, Raven."
That seemed to make her friend brighten, and she nodded with more enthusiasm this time. On that, Finn closed the door rather abruptly — not liking the new friendly vibes between them — and she couldn’t stop her giggle.
Seriously, Finn was too cute!
As she left, she couldn’t help the new hope blooming inside her — the hope of having both Raven and Finn as real friends this time. Her new dynamic with them was very enjoyable — at least for her — and she knew that having them both by her side would be more than a help in her future plans.
***