Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

'I hurt myself and everything around me'

those are the first thoughts that run through his head at fucking 5 am he hasn't eaten, slept or even had any water

no
he's not good enough for that

he doesn't know why he's like this, he doesn't like it in fact he hates it but he can’t do anything about it he knows when he talks to his therapist today, she’s going to tell him "The only one who can change you is you, shinsou" but he can’t bring himself to do it he doesn’t know how to change he feels stuck and oddly aware of everything that’s around him the bed under him the comforter by his feet his walls and posters his stuffed animals his desk his backpack in the corner even the plants and the pencil by his dresser and everything in his dresser and closet the hangers his shirts and shoes his pants the shirt on his chest and his pajama pants, its too much he strips his shirt and pants and lays back on his back

he can feel /everything/
everything but himself
like hes not even here
it’s sickening
having these little moments of anxiety & hyperawareness where everything is so.....alive almost.

everything but him

It feels like he's spiraling in these little moments but also floating? feeling everything but nothing at least he can feel something other than the numbness the cutting and punching used to help but now it just stings it doesn’t do anything He's stuck in a downward spiral and due to hit rock bottom any day now and when he hits rock bottom he's gonna stay there cause he doesn't know how to go up he's just gonna drown in himself till he dies and when he dies everything around him is gonna burn and the world will be whole again

although thats illogical think and he knows that
hitoshi shinsou isnt anything if not logical...he tells himself
however the thought that pops in his head he's convinced isnt illogical at all. 'im miserable' he'll say 'im allowed to have those morbid thoughts'

"I could just.." he's talking out loud he doesn't know who he is talking to...maybe himself.

"The roof isn't too far...I don't have to feel this" but then again he can't bring his stupid body to move to go to that damn roof.
thoughts of his papa and dad and even his little sister who hasn't even been in his life for that long
'How do you explain that to a little girl' he thinks about how that conversation would go, how his parents would have to explain why he isn't coming home, how he's gone
'Shes been through enough heartache' he states

hours go by maybe seconds time is a construction of human imagination its not real

nothing is real

not anymore

'I don’t feel human'

he feels like he was meant to be somewhere else not cause he's special or different cause god knows he's anything but, no because he feels so fucking wrong like he was put here by mistake, he feels disconnected from his body, he feels like two separate beings like his mind and body are two different consequences, two separate beings, sometimes he can feel his body telling his mind to
Be kind to himself and take a break or his mind telling my body to shut up we have to keep pushing...its awfully annoying

but

when he feels like his head has so many different voices, not his mind his head he can feel his body his organs his bones his muscles telling him this isn’t ok this isn’t normal

‘we need help’ But he's not normal he can’t be helped and it’s not all too bad just a little annoying but

"I feel so fucking disconnected" the thought runs through his mind on repeat.

But some days it’s ok, They are both quiet these days and he feels like a whole being still not a person but he feels whole They are still there
his mind and body are still separate from himself but he still feels whole like an entirely new thing Still scared confused and sad, But whole, he wonders where he's supposed to be, Or who he's supposed to be, And if he'll be that “person” or get to that place

he can’t stop shaking his vision is flattening.

then a knock on his bedroom door "Hey Hun you ok?" he hears through his door

he doesn't say a word just lays there.... terrified

"Tosh, bud if you don't answer im gonna have to open the door, man."
he rolls over hoping he can pretend to be asleep then he feels the sting on his thighs.
'oh yea that's right last night I... oh fuck he's gonna see that' he covers his legs and rolls over to face the wall just in time, his papa opens the door and peaks his head in,
he sees Hitoshi rolled over 'he's hiding' he thinks. he stalks his way to his sons bed and sits down next to him placing his hand on Hitoshi's shoulder.
"hey sweetheart, you doin' ok?" no response he's just staring at the wall
'....one of those days'
"alright iv got you love just wait here" he gets up and walks away

'he left you' the intrusive thoughts gets louder
'he left you here to rot'
"no he didnt hes just...'
he trys to fight but..
'Your rotting your nothing but rot' the thoughts get louder and louder his head his throbbing and he curls in on himself, fetal position, holding his head in his hands and clenching his teeth trying his damndest not to cry 'i am not going to cry over a few little thoughts that mean nothing'

'you. are. nothing.'

....he starts sobbing
and holds himself and then his papa walks in, but he doesn't move he just lays there and cry's
his papa comes and lays down in between him and the wall and sets one of the family cats down between them and runs his hand through his sons hair in hopes of calming him down
"im here baby im right here" but he's ignored Hitoshi continues to sob but he scoots closer and cradles boots (the cat) in his arms as mic wraps his arms around his son and rubs his back

a few minutes go by and hitoshi as tired himself out and has fallen asleep and mic lays there with him and boots and just....loves him
giving him back rubs and a few kisses while humming lowly and waits listing to his slow even breathing and seeing his tear stained cheeks and it breaks his heart

"im got you...iv got you" he says as he holds his son tight

Chapter Text

Hitoshi doesn't know when he fell asleep.

or what the hell is cradling him, he looks up and see his papa asleep and remembered breaking down earlier, the weight of his emotions becoming too much to bear. He felt a pang of guilt and shame, knowing that he had let his guard down in front of his papa. He sat up, scaring Boots, his cat, who had been sleeping at the foot of the bed. The cat meowed in protest, then skittered off somewhere, disappearing into the shadows, it made him feel like he was losing control over his emotions and himself the fear of being a burden weighed heavily on him like a hundred ponds adding to his already overwhelming emotions, he can't help but feel like he's let his Papa down by not being strong enough to handle his problems on his own. then he felt his papa move a bit next to him .,he stirs a bit waking up "...hey honey" he said
" hey..papa....I'm sorry for-"Yamada stops his son from apologizing by putting a hand over his mouth. "No need for apologies," he says, leaning forward to give his son a gentle kiss on the forehead. He then pulls him into a warm embrace, and Hitoshi feels himself melting in his papas arms. 'eeevery time.'

"Can we talk baby?"
he says it like a question, but Hitoshi knows better.
"I really don't want to if I'm being honest" he's slightly muffled having his face in mics chest.
"I know love but.... we need to, I saw your legs just a minute ago."

".....oh" fuck, hes gonna ask me for my blade damn it Damit what do i do what the fuck do i do
As he sat there, lost in thought, he suddenly became aware of his breathing. It had become faster and more shallow, as if he had just run a marathon. He couldn't understand why he hadn't noticed it before, but now that he was aware of it, he couldn't seem to slow it down. His chest rose and fell rapidly, and he felt a tightness in his throat. He tried to take deep breaths, but it only seemed to make things worse. He wondered if he was having a panic attack, his breathing had picked up, and he couldn't seem to control it....his papa noticed putting a hand to his sons chest
"Breath baby, breath deep breaths I promise you're not in trouble."
'i need to tread lightly but i need to make sure hes safe' he thinks.
"come on sit up for me hun, let me see your face" He gently holds Hitoshi's face, wiping away his tears and running his fingers through his son's tangled lavender hair. Hitoshi's lilac eyes silently plead for support and help, even though he knows he will never ask for it out loud. His fear of being punished or ridiculed, or of some other form of retribution that he will never receive from Hizashi or Shota, keeps him from speaking up. him from speaking up.
"iv got you baby its ok, you'll be ok"

As he listens intently, he can just barely make out a faint sound, almost like a whisper or a high-pitched whine. The noise is so subtle that he strains his ears to catch it, wondering what- then Hitoshi says it again

"Please don't let me go."
and again and again

usually, when Hitoshi got like this he would worry that he would be sent back to foster care, but he would always say "please don't send me back" or would ask...no not ask...plead not to call Mrs. Misaki his case manager.

no this was different this was a change in his script

a new fear

a fear of being let go
a fear of not being loved
a fear not of losing his parents
but a fear of his parents losing him
and mic....breaks and tears start to spill, and he hold his baby tighter with the intentions of never letting go

"iv got you baby iv got you i wont let you go i promise"

'i promise'

and they stay there and cry for a bit

then a knock on the door

"you two ok?"

Before Hitoshi could protest his dad coming in his papa spoke up "Come in babe"
Hitoshi gave his Papa a questioning look, silently asking why. His father responded in a hushed tone, "He needs to know, baby." As Aizawa entered the room, he saw his son and husband curled up together, tears streaming down their faces. He looked at his son's red, puffy, and red-rimmed lilac eyes and let out a sigh. Shota sauntered over to the two and sat next to Hitoshi and opened his arms in an offer of a hug and Hitoshi goes from hugging his papa to hugging both his dads

and suddenly he feels safe

like all the thoughts of.....wanting to die and hurt melted away

even if its just for this one moment

that's ok cause he's ok right now

he's home

he's loved

he's where he's supposed to be