Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Etho shouted. Bdubs shrunk back into himself in shame. “You could’ve turned and killed me in my sleep!”

“I was just gonna sneak out while you were sleeping and find a nice place to shoot myself.” The words felt heavy in his throat. “I didn’t want to make it a big deal!”

“You’re dying and you didn’t want it to be a big deal? Are you kidding ? You didn’t think I’d want to, you know, say goodbye? Talk to you one last time?”

Bdubs took a step back and covered his face. “This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen! I wanted to die on a good note! Not with you all–” His hands flew and he searched for the right words. “All worried about me! Now you’re gonna be all upset and it's all my fault!”

“Oh, so I wouldn’t have been upset if I found you with a bullet in your head?”

Bdubs’ hands curled into fists. He poked a finger into Etho’s chest. “That’s not what I was saying and you know it!” Bdubs took a step towards Etho and stood on his tippy-toes, close enough for spit spray on his face when he spoke. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Etho, I got bit by a zombie and I only have, like, half a day to live! Would you be so kind as to do the honors of fucking euthanizing me? Thanks, pal! ’"

“You’re unbelievable.”

“You’re impossible!”

Etho felt his face get hot and his nose start to burn. “So you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye? Without letting me say goodbye?”

“God,” Bdubs covered his face and mumbled through his hands. “God, you don’t get it .” His hands slid off his eyes. “How could I say goodbye to you ? It would kill me faster than that stupid infection . How could I ever say goodbye to you? We were supposed to make it out of here together .”

“So you’d rather just run away and shoot yourself in some back alley?”

Tears flowed freely from Bdubs’ eyes. He made no effort to wipe them away. “Stop twisting my fucking words! What would you have done?”

“I would’ve told you I was bit the moment it happened. We would’ve talked about how we’d handle it together .”

Bdubs’ hands came up as his shoulders hunched slightly. He put on a mocking voice. “ Oh, I’m Etho, knower of all truths and solver of all problems. Go fuck yourself.”

“Look, can we just–” Etho stopped himself in search of the right way to word his next sentence. “Can we not fight about this right now? Let’s–” He stopped again, struggling for words yet again. “Let’s not spend your last day arguing.”

Bdubs chuckled weakly. “You’ll have all the time in the world to beat yourself up about this when I’m gone.”

Bdubs rolled the pistol in his hands. Etho offered to do it for him, but Bdubs decided he didn’t want to put him through all that mess. He’d go when he was ready. He’d go somewhere Etho would never have to see.

“I think I’m gonna puke.” He felt dizzy.

“I won’t stop you. Do what you gotta do.”

He didn’t.

His lungs felt clogged and his eyes blurred with tears. “God, I don’t wanna die. Not like this. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.” His head rested on Etho’s thigh. “I was supposed to die of old age. You were supposed to be right next to me and be taken off of life support at the exact same time as me.”

Etho rubbed his friend’s arm. He didn’t have any good advice or any way to fix his problem. “I know. I’m sorry.”

They sat in silence for a while, only broken by Bdubs’ rapid breaths and sniffles. He was desperately trying to keep himself together a little while longer.

“What are you gonna do? When I’m gone?”

Etho thought for a moment. He didn’t have a good answer. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure something out.”

“Mhm.”

Another beat of silence.

“What do you think it's like? Do you think there’s an afterlife?”

“Do you remember before you were born?” Bdubs thought for a moment before shaking his head. “I think it’s a lot like that.”

Bdubs choked on his sobs. “I’m– I’m not ready, Etho. I’m not ready to go.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“I–” Bdubs started to push himself off the floor. “I think maybe– maybe I should go now. Before I change my mind.” He was standing now. His legs trembled. “Uh–”

Before he could continue his thought, he was swallowed by a hug. “Okay,” Etho said.

“Oh, Etho. Oh, God.” His shivering hands held the fabric of the back of Etho’s shirt as if it would disappear if he let go. “Oh, man, I–”

“Thank you.” Etho’s grip tightened. “For everything. Thank you.”

Bdubs’ tears were swallowed by Etho’s shoulder. “No, no, Etho, I can’t– I–”

“It’s okay. Thank you. I love you. So, so much.” His grip loosened and he released the hug. “Now go before I make you stay.”

Bdubs shoved the pistol into Etho’s hands. “No, Etho, I can’t do it, I can’t– I–”

Etho put the pistol back into the palm of Bdubs’ hand. “You can, ‘Bubs. I–” Etho’s throat was jammed. He cleared it hastily. “I hope there’s an afterlife.”

Bdubs felt like he would throw up when he opened the door. He turned back to look at Etho and it was almost too much to bear. “Thank you, Etho. And–” God, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. “I love you, too. So, so, so much.”

Etho wiped his face. He wouldn’t cry in front of Bdubs. He wouldn’t cry in front of his dying friend. “That’s Bdubs. Always has to one-up me.” As if he cared about one extra ‘so’.

Bdubs laughed as he closed the door behind himself, loud enough for Etho to hear. He hurried down the stairs before the smile could leave his face. He ran down the sidewalk before he could think of frowning. He smiled all the way to the little shack he’d decided would be perfect. He smiled as he held the gun and checked the ammo.

Oh.

Yeah.

Right.

He was about to kill himself.

God.

Oh, God.

Bdubs slid down the wall and held the gun close to his chest. Hot, fat tears skid down his face. He sat like that for a long while. He couldn’t tell if he was making any noise. He just cried and cried and cried.

He opened his eyes and realized he must have fallen asleep at some point. He looked out the window at the sun and wondered how long he was out. It was morning.

Oh, shit.

He checked himself over quickly for all of the symptoms of turning. He had a headache and maybe he was a little sick, but his skin looked normal and he didn’t think he had a fever. It must have been over twelve hours since he was bit and he still hadn’t turned.

Something was wrong.

He had to see Etho.

He stumbled out of the shack in a daze. His clammy hands held onto his pistol tightly. The sidewalk in front of him twists and turns and Bdubs would be worried he was going the wrong way if he didn’t suddenly find himself on Etho’s doorstep.

He knocked rapidly. “Etho? Etho!”

The door opened, Etho’s cautious eye watching him from the crack in the door. “Bdubs? But–”

“I don’t know! It must have been more than twelve hours by now, but I haven’t turned!”

“I–”

“I don’t have a fever, do I? Feel my forehead!”

“Uh, okay.” Etho opened the door wider and stuck his hand through. The hand was cold on Bdubs’ forehead. “Nope. A little warm, maybe, but no fever.”

“And look at my skin!” Bdubs pulled his sleeve up and shoved his arm through the doorway.

“Er–”

“Look, Etho!” Bdubs shook his arm for emphasis.

“Um, looks normal.”

“And my eyes! Are my eyes red?” He opened his eyes wide and leaned closer to the crack in the door.

“No–”

“And my hair! It’s not falling out even a little!” He tugged on his hair.

“I–”

“My appetite isn’t wildly different, and my–”

“Bdubs.” Bdubs stopped. “I don’t know what you want me to do with this info.”

“Etho, what if I’m immune? What if I don’t have to die yet?”

Etho opened the door a little more and looked at him closely. “Look, I agree that it's weird that you haven’t shown any symptoms yet. I’ve known people who’ve turned in only ten minutes.” Bdubs nodded. “But that doesn’t mean you’re immune . You might just be taking an absurdly long time. Just–” He tried not to pay attention to Bdubs’ dejected face. “Just don’t get your hopes up too quickly.”

“Can I come in?”

Etho thought for a beat before opening the door and welcoming him inside. “Man,” he started. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

Etho sucked in a breath. “Same.” It was as if he were talking to a ghost.

Bdubs kicked his feet a little. “Can I go take a nap? It stunk sleeping on the ground and you can lock the door if you wanna.”

“I– Uh– Yeah, sure.”

It was evening. It had been at least fourteen hours since Bdubs was bit and was officially longer than anyone had survived to his knowledge. Etho knocked on the bedroom door. “Bdubs? How are you feeling?”

He heard footsteps from the other side of the door and backed away. “Hi, Etho! Still nothing!” Etho unlocked the door and opened it. 

Behind Bdubs was a deck of cards spread out on the floor. The playing cards were sorted into piles that Etho didn’t know the pattern of. Bdubs did that often before Etho woke up in the morning. He’d find him on the floor sorting things and rearranging them.

He looked at him. He was right; he looked normal. “How long did’ya sleep?

Bdubs looked up contemplatively. “Uh, an hour, maybe?” He shrugged playfully. “But you know how it is with the cards; they call to me.”

And for a moment, things felt normal.

“Well, come n’ get breakfast.”

Bdubs talked with his mouth full, something that, no matter how many times he’d eaten with him, Etho would never get used to. “So I say to Mavis, I say: Why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?”

Etho laughed and for a moment, things felt normal. “And what’d she do after that?”

“Well, what do you think she did? She leafed!"

They finished breakfast and started cleaning up. Etho took the plates and Bdubs wiped the table. It was almost as if everything had gone back to normal.

“Bdubs, wait,” Etho grabbed his shirt sleeve and looked at him. “I think– I think you’re immune. I mean, you would’ve turned by now.” He still felt unsure of himself

Bdubs smiled and everything was normal again. “I knew it! Oh, Etho, I’m so happy, you can’t even imagine !” He bounced on his toes and his fingers twitched. “I– I was so sure I was dead!”

Etho pulled Bdubs into a tight hug and everything was normal again.