Chapter Text
For a week, Taehyung hadn’t gotten anything more than a sleep warning out of Sam. He’d apologized but still there was silence on her end. He’d tried talking to her in the mirror again, even though it left him feeling stupid and ineffective. He was trying to respect her request for space. It was hard because he just wanted to tell her everything in his head. He wanted to blurt it all out and know that it was all going to be okay. It had to be okay. He sat on the floor of the practice room, shoulders hunched as he curled himself around his phone.
He allowed himself one response per text of hers. He’d said he was sorry. He told her he missed her. He asked if she’d liked the latest V app. He wished her rest and peace of mind. He was running out of safe, bland, kind things to say. It had been a week of platitudes so he decided that he would just ask some questions. Maybe she was waiting for something more from him, but at this point he wasn’t sure what. He knew he’d said awful things and a simple apology didn’t make that go away, so he was waiting. He’d pushed her too hard and pushing more wasn’t going to make things better. That’s what Seokjin had said when Taehyung was ranting about wanting to just call her non-stop until she answered. But it had been a whole week and he was tired of waiting. In one more week he’d be on stage, on camera, and out of reach. They didn’t have much time to work this out, whatever this was.
You don’t have to answer these questions, but I’ve had a lot of time to think
Are you not attracted to me, or just not attracted to anyone
and if it’s not anyone, then how did you handle being engaged
this is really none of my business
but I used to ask you questions all the time
I sort of miss it
Are you planning on staying in Seoul forever?
Are we going to have these dreams forever?
Have you ever dreamed of acorn jelly?
Do you like acorn jelly?
I like it a lot
but sometimes I dream it’s chasing me
Do you miss me?
I miss you
Taehyung stared at his phone. She wasn’t reading them. He sighed and stood, groaning at the protest in his back, but there was still at least an hour of practice before the day was done. The other members were slowly returning to their marks, so Taehyung put his phone down and put Sam out of his mind for a little while longer.
He threw himself into the rehearsal. He was louder and funnier and pushed harder than he usually would have, needing more than anything to exhaust himself to the point where he could actually sleep. Always here, in this room, with these people, he pushed himself to the limits, trying to make up for every deficiency, every mistake on the ever-growing list of things he’d ruined by not thinking things through.
He was shaky and sweaty but he still reached for his phone as soon as they were free to go. His heart was already racing, but he felt a chill when he saw that Sam had sent 8 messages. Was she going to tell him to leave her alone again, to go away and just shut up? It’s what he expected.
I only like jelly the American way
you know, the stuff on toast
not the wiggly weird stuff you eat
I’ve never dreamed of acorn jelly
as for the rest
well, maybe we could talk soon
Do you have any free time tomorrow?
I miss you too
Taehyung grinned and let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He was still trembling after the dance practice, but now he felt a new wave of energy.
acorn jelly is amazing
you’re totally missing out
I have a couple of hours in the afternoon
I’ll see if I can get someone to take me to your place?
Shouldn’t you be sleeping?
Why, so I can see you shower after dance practice?
At least she was beginning to sound like herself again. For the first time in a week, Taehyung was feeling hopeful again.
---
She was pacing. She was pacing and Hyemi was laughing at her even though there was nothing funny about the situation.
“Oh, come on. It’s a little bit funny.”
“How? How is this funny? He’s taking time out of his stupidly busy schedule to come over here so we can have some sort of State of the Relationship talk in which I have to tell him all the ways that this will never, ever work.”
Hyemi frowned a bit. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. Doesn’t he get a say in any of this?”
Samantha stopped her pacing to stare at Hyemi, crossing her arms and tilting her head. “Of course, but from what I heard, it sounds like he knows that this is a bad idea too, he just wants to do it anyway. I have to convince him not to, for both our sakes.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t really sound fair or reasonable, but you know… you’re the one with the brain-to-brain connection, so you do whatever.” Hyemi unfolded herself from the couch and glanced at the clock. “Are you going to spend the next twenty minutes pacing? Because I think maybe you should conserve some energy for actually having the fight you’re bracing yourself for.”
“I can’t sit still. It’s easier to remember what I want to say if I can keep moving.”
“Ok fine. I’m going to go ahead and head to work then.”
“What?! No! You can’t do that. Your shift doesn’t start for another hour. You’re supposed to be my buffer, my reason for not shouting and being irrational. If you leave, all hell could break loose!” Samantha clutched Hyemi’s hand desperately. She was exaggerating, but not by much. She wasn’t sure she could handle being alone with Taehyung again.
“I was going to have to leave in the middle of this little get together anyway, and I think it would be less awkward for both of you if I just get out of the way now.”
“Fine. Some best friend you are. Leaving me alone and defenseless.”
“To face Kim Taehyung? Yeah, I think you’ll be fine. He probably rescues spiders instead of squashing them, so I’m sure you’re in no imminent danger of anything more than maybe more kissing.” Hyemi winked as she slipped her shoes on.
“Don’t say that! We’re not kissing. We’re going to do the opposite of kissing.”
“Which is what exactly?”
“Breaking up before we start dating.”
“Uh-huh. Good luck with that.” Hyemi twinkled her fingers as she slipped out the door. Samantha stepped forward to rest her forehead against the cool door, trying to clear her head. She needed to be calm and rational. She needed to be firm and clear. None of those things seemed possible with Kim Taehyung in the room.
Hyemi had spent the week gently nagging her and slowly talking some semblance of sense and humility into her. Samantha was still convinced that attempting anything other than the mostly long-distance friendship they already had was a recipe for disaster. Even stewing on it for a week, trying to think of every possible outcome hadn’t yielded any new results. It was still a mistake. She rubbed her forehead on the door. It was a mistake and she would tell him that and he would agree because he knew it, too. Then they would shake hands amicably and he would go back to his busy and complicated life. She would continue on with her boring and simple life and neither of them would have their lives ruined.
She just had to get all that out before he could do something that would weaken her resolve, something cute or endearing, like smile or whatever. She wouldn’t even look him in the eyes. There was no need for that temptation. She would stare at his nose so she seemed intent without subjecting herself to the intensity of his face. She could just stare at his little boopable nose mole. No, that wasn’t a good idea. She certainly couldn’t look at his mouth.
She’d spent way too much time this past week thinking about his mouth. Not on purpose, but it just kept happening. She would try to list all the reasons any attempt at a romantic relationship was doomed to fail and somewhere along the line she would find herself daydreaming about running her thumb over his bottom lip. She’d loved doing that to Matthew, just holding his chin in her hand and idly stroking his mouth while they stared at each other. It was stupidly cheesy but she missed it. She missed the closeness of being loved, of being touched by someone who wanted to hold her. She didn’t know quite how Taehyung felt about holding her but she was trying not to think about it too much.
The knock on the door startled her. She glanced at the clock. It was too early for Taehyung to be here, but as she slowly opened the door, there he was, fluffy coat with the fur trimmed hood pulled up, mask tucked under his nose, eyes smiling at her.
“Hello. I got done a little early.”
“Hi. Um, come in. Would you like some water or tea?”
“No, thank you. I’m fine.”
“Alright. Good. I’ll just…” Samantha pointed over her shoulder to the kitchen lamely, then gestured to the couch. “You should…”
“Yeah, I’ll sit.” Taehyung peeled off his coat, tucked the mask in the pocket, and ducked his head as he slipped into the brand new guest slippers. Lime green with yellow and blue. His mouth stretched into the wide, boxy grin she loved. Liked, that she liked. No one was going to be talking about love today. She poured herself a glass of water and walked slowly to the living room, still rehearsing all the things she wanted to say before she got distracted by Taehyung’s soft hair and delicate, annoyingly perfect face.
He was playing with the fringe on her blanket and as she sat in the chair, as far away from him as she could politely get, he smiled at her again. Jerk. “I’m sorry I--”
“No, don’t. I don’t…” She waved her hands at him, taking a deep breath to say what she’d practiced. “I’m sorry. You were right. I was… not dealing with things well and wanted to run away from just about everything.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not… I’m not good at handling change, apparently,” she scoffed.
“Says the girl who picked up everything to move halfway around the world.”
“Totally beside the point.”
“Well, for whatever it’s worth, I forgive you. I did days ago.”
“I forgive you too.” Taehyung’s smile was nearly blinding, his eyes scrunched up in delight. Samantha couldn’t help herself. She was smiling too, feeling the week-long tension in her gut unravel slightly.
“Awesome. So, now that we’ve got that out of the way…” He looked at her, right at her face, eyebrows raised up into his bangs. She grabbed her phone, thankful for the excuse to look away.
“Well, you asked some questions, so I thought we could start there?” She peeked up long enough to see him nod before turning her attention back to her very fascinating phone. “So, about the dreams, I don’t have a good answer. As far as I can tell from Nana’s notebook, it depends on the pair of Dreamers.” She mentally congratulated herself for remembering not to refer to them as couples. “It seems like it has something to do with how well they know each other, because the pairs who knew one another before the dreams don’t Dream very long and the ones who never met, well that woman Dreamed her whole life. So, no telling. Could stop any moment I guess?”
Taehyung made a pouty sound but Samantha refused to look up, knowing she would just see him sticking his lower lip out and she didn’t want to get distracted now. “Well that’s sad. I don’t want the dreams to stop. I hardly have them anymore as it is,” he grumbled.
“Yeah, but, you know, we don’t have any control over that part, so…”
“Right.”
“Um, about Seoul. I… alright, I don’t have an answer for that either. I don’t have any plans to leave, but then again, I didn’t really have plans to leave Chicago until it happened, so who knows? As long as I have the means and a reason to stay, I think I’ll stay.” It wasn’t quite what she’d rehearsed but at least she hadn’t blurted out that she would do whatever she could to stay close to Taehyung like she’d wanted to. It was a truth that she’d only recently admitted to herself and she certainly wasn’t ready to say it to him yet. She risked looking up. Taehyung was absorbed with the blanket again, so she let her breath out in a small puff. He really was beautiful, like art, like some sort of elf prince she’d expect to meet in a mysterious forest.
His eyes snapped up and she felt caught, exposed. “That just leaves the last question.” His voice was quiet, gentle like he was afraid of scaring her away. She tried to focus on the nose mole to get her thoughts in order, but she was unable to ignore the way he was worrying at his bottom lip with his perfect teeth.
“Right. Okay, so. This is going to be a little awkward, but I’ll try to explain.”
“You don’t have to. I was just curious.”
“No, I want to. It’s just… weird.”
“Okay.” He tucked his hands under his thighs and leaned forward a bit, watching her eagerly.
“Okay. Well, there’s stuff that I like. Physical stuff, on people. Aesthetically, right? I like hoop earrings and leather pants, um… high heels, pinstripes, turtlenecks, stuff like that.” She paused, gathering her thoughts and her courage to begin her manifesto about why they should just be friends but she made the crucial mistake of looking to see if Taehyung understood. He was smirking a little, lip still caught between his teeth, looking like he had a delicious secret he couldn’t wait to spill. She felt her thoughts straying from the point as she thought about all the things she liked that she wasn’t going to tell him, like long delicate fingers, soft lower lips, long eyelashes, the way his hair fell into his eyes when he tilted his head to smile at her. She cleared her throat and her mind. “That’s just stuff though. I...uh...I…” He licked his lips and, reflexively, she did too. What had she been saying? What was she trying to say? Right. Manifesto. Just friends. Not friends who kissed because that led to disaster. Kissing was a disaster. Kissing Taehyung would be delightful. No. A disaster.
“I like those things, too.” Samantha blinked, looking up at Taehyung’s eyes like an attentive person, briefly confused. Then she remembered that he couldn’t read her thoughts and was probably responding to the things she’d said outloud.
“Good. That’s good.”
“So it’s just me that you’re not attracted to. You were obviously attracted to Matthew, right?” He was still smiling, but it wasn’t the same now. It was his on camera smile.
“Yes. No. Wait, hold on. Yes I was attracted to Matthew, but it’s not just you that I’m not attracted to. I’m attracted to you as much as I am anyone.” She shook her head, frustrated that she couldn’t make this make sense outside of her own brain. “Look, it doesn’t really matter that much. The point is, we need to stay just friends.” There, finally, she’d said it. She felt her stomach drop as Taehyung’s face fell but she knew this was for the best. It was what was best for both of them.
“Just friends,” he repeated numbly.
“Yes, like we are now.” She tried to sound firm and confident.
“Friends. Who talk on the phone and hang out sometimes.” He was beginning to smile again.
She tried to keep the tremble of disappointment out of her voice. “No, probably not.”
“Wait, what? Why? I thought this was alright. I thought you liked this!”
“I do, but we shouldn’t keep doing it. It will just get complicated.”
Taehyung pushed himself off the couch. “Complicated? As if everything in my life isn’t complicated. I’m fine with complicated. It’s normal for me.”
“Not like this. We can’t just hang out and pretend like it’s alright. What if we get caught? What if we get bored and try to take things further?”
“Exactly! Isn’t that the whole point of this? Or are we just supposed to text and call forever?” He was waving his hands around, eyes wide and wild.
“Yes! We can’t change things. It will just end horribly.” She stood suddenly. She was finally making her point but he wasn’t agreeing with her like she thought he would. He was pushing back and she didn’t like it. She wanted him to be agreeable and polite, the way he usually was.
“But things change, Sam! Everything changes or it dies.” He stopped suddenly, covering his mouth as he realized the harshness of his words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--”
Samantha wasn’t as shocked as his face suggested, but she saw the opportunity to turn this to her advantage. She had to make him see what a bad idea this was, so she interrupted by flinging her hands up. “You’re right, and I’ve had enough of that. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to do this, Taehyung.”
“But you said--”
“No, what you said was that I’m not your type,” she sneered, letting the bitterness she only barely felt rise to the surface as ammunition. “We shouldn’t even try to have a romantic relationship if neither of us is really interested in the other romantically.” Taehyung stepped closer, reaching for her hand, but she twisted away, crossing her arms across her chest. She didn’t want to be consoled or cajoled. She wanted to stay angry and hold on to the heat of indignation until it burned away the hope. “I’ve already had my romance, Taehyung and you aren’t it.”
His face snapped from pleading to neutral so fast she thought her words might have actually had a physical force, wiping the emotions off his face. “You heard a lot of things, but you don’t seem to understand them,” he said, his voice smoother than it should have been.
“There’s no mystery, no excitement, no romance. You said so yourself!” She kept shouting because the absence of his emotion was more frightening than his previous anger. She wanted him to get angry again. She wanted him to show her any sign of emotion again.
“Yes, but after thinking about that for a week I realized something.” He was still standing too close but he had stopped reaching for her. He rubbed the back of his hand across his mouth and Samantha thought briefly that she knew what that meant, the determination suddenly clear on his face. He took a deep breath and she wondered why she had wanted to see his emotions so clearly. “I know all that stuff and I still want to be with you.” He stepped even closer and Samantha was tempted to step back but she was feeling too stubborn to retreat. “I know what you look like puffy and bloated in the morning. I know you have cellulite and stretch marks. I know what you’re like when you’re sick and whiny. I know that you’re stubborn as a fucking donkey, and I still want to be with you. I know everything about you and I still want you in my life.”
“But you don’t! You don’t know everything about me. You think you do. You know lots of little things that don’t mean shit in the long run. You think you know me, but not really.”
“What don’t I know? Name one thing that’s important that I don’t already know.”
“I’m not in love with you!” she shouted. She hated that she was shouting again. Where was the calm, rational clear communication she’d spent all day practicing?
Taehyung took another step, and now there was no space between them, no way to escape his dark eyes flashing, voice ringing in the close proximity. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t feel your heart break all the time with the kind of sadness I can’t even imagine? You think I don’t wake up and hate myself for not being Matthew, for not being able to comfort you because you wouldn’t even know me if he were still here? You think I wouldn’t give up all of this if it meant he was still alive? Because I would. Without question I would give him back to you if I could, but I can’t. No one can, Sam.” His voice was softer now and he reached for her hand again. She was stunned. She never thought the whirl of emotions she felt from him when she was dreaming amounted to any of that, the guilt and the longing. Had she missed what he was feeling all this time, thinking it was just the echo of her own emotions? Did it even matter?
“I can’t ever love you the way you deserve, Tae.” Her voice was small and trembling.
“Why? Because your heart was broken? Don’t you have a book full of stories that say that it is possible to love again? What we have is special, a miracle, a gift. Don’t just throw that away!”
“I’m not talking about my broken heart, Taehyung. I’m talking about my broken head. Or possibly body. I don’t even know.”
“What do you mean? I've been in your head and in your body. What's broken?”
“Taehyung, I’m not… I’ve never… I can’t even…” Her hands were trembling. This was so much more difficult than that drunken conversation with Jess so many months ago. So much more was at stake now.
Taehyung pulled her close, sitting back down on the couch and stroking her hands gently. She allowed him to tug her down until she was sitting next to him. “Hey, hey, relax, it’s okay. You can tell me. I’m here, please, just talk to me, Sam. I want to help. Take your time. Find the words and talk to me.”
“So, I’ve never… Matthew and I never…”
“I know. You told me that part. For what it’s worth, I’ve never either, so…”
Her laugh was bitter. “Yeah, but you at least want to.”
“You… you don’t want to?”
“No. I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, I’m curious, sure, and everyone talks about how great it is, or complains about not getting enough, but I’m over here, just… not thinking, well, no, I think about it, but I don’t have any feelings about it. Does that make any sense?” She pulled her hands free to run them through her hair. “I’m not against the idea or the practice, I think, but I’ve never felt the need to practice. And I don’t… I’m curious. I’m interested, but I’m not… Ok, wait, let’s just… People need to eat, right?”
Taehyung nodded, squinting a little.
“So, that’s a thing that humans do to survive. They eat. And some people are really hungry all the time. Some people are only a little hungry. Are you with me?”
“I think so. I like food and want to eat all the time…”
“I’m not really talking about food, Taehyung.”
“Yeah, I got that much.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, well, alright. Perfect. So. You like food. Which is great. But I… never really get... hungry. I eat sometimes, or I used to. With Matthew. Not eat eat, but you know… taste stuff. This isn’t helping anymore. Shit.” She shook her head, wishing for some way to just have him know what she felt without having to fumble for an explanation that made sense outside of her head.
“No, it is. I think. So, you’re saying that you don’t… you don’t hate food, you just don’t ever really think about eating.”
“Yes. Basically that. I almost ate once, but then my fiance died in a horrible car accident and surprise, surprise, I haven’t really thought about ever eating again.”
“I can’t say that I blame you. That sounds awful.” Taehyung leaned back on the couch, blowing air out into his bangs. He looked remarkably comfortable for all the uncomfortable nature of this conversation.
“So that’s what I mean. If you like food, then… then this wouldn’t really work out. Because I don’t get hungry.”
“But you like food.”
“Theoretically? I guess. I like… snacks?”
“Ok, hold on, can we just use real words for a minute, because I’m getting confused again.”
“I like kissing. Kissing is nice. I like snuggling and cuddling and kissing and back scratches and massages and… and that’s about it.”
“Well, I like those things, too. We… we don’t have to eat… food… anytime soon. I don’t even really have time for food anyway.” He was smiling too brightly for her comfort because he was too close here on the couch, knees touching hers, his golden skin nearly glowing in the ambient sunlight.
“Taehyung, this is honestly the least of our issues.” He was being hopeful again. She needed him to stop that. It was so tempting to give in to his enthusiasm. He was tempting and she wanted to give into him, to the kissing and snuggling she'd been missing, even if she still felt guilty for wanting that.
“What else is there? I like you. Do you like me?”
“Yes but--”
“No. That's it. That's the first step. Can't we just take a minute and be happy? This is kind of a big deal.” He stretched his hand out, palm up. She knew it was a mistake, only a distraction, but he was looking at her with his whole heart exposed. He was so innocent and trusting, optimistic and enticing. She was such a sucker for his smile so she slid her hand into his. He twisted his palm around to lace their fingers together. His hands were warm, his long fingers tapping gently as he spoke. “Let's just have this moment to appreciate that we made it here. You and me, together.”
Samantha took a deep breath, struggling to push all her doubts and objections away for just a moment. Her smile was fragile but gained strength the more she looked at Taehyung. His contagious hopefulness was such a contrast to her own natural pessimism. For just a moment, she wanted to believe.
---
Real life wasn’t anything like the dramas that Taehyung loved watching. He’d expected to come sit on Sam’s couch, fumble their way through apologies and confessions, and then spend the rest of the time exploring the perks of their new relationship, like holding hands and maybe even kissing. Instead they’d spent it arguing and had only now gotten around to the confessing, which didn’t go at all like he’d hoped or imagined. Still, at least she was sitting with him, holding his hand and looking at him with something less fearful in her expression.
He didn’t at all understand what was going on in her mind. She was thinking of things much further down the line than he was, which was a bit unusual for him and caught him quite off guard. “Let’s just have this moment to appreciate that we made it here. You and me, together.” He wasn’t oblivious of the challenges ahead of them. He just wanted to ignore them for a little while.
“Just a moment,” Sam said softly, looking down at their tangled fingers. “You’re too busy for much more than that.” Taehyung heard the disappointment in her voice, and it hurt because it was true. He really didn’t have anything to give her. He reached out to stroke her cheek and her chin snapped up, eyes flying to his.
“You’re right, but can we stop thinking about tomorrow for a minute, and just think about this?” He cupped her jaw gently, letting his thumb brush against her bottom lip. He was surprised his hand wasn’t trembling. He felt like a jittery mess, trying to imagine that this was a drama and he was someone suave and confident. He scooted closer, bumping her knees out of the way with his hip and she swung them to the floor, twisting awkwardly to try to keep her face towards him. This wasn’t smooth or romantic. This wasn’t how he wanted this to be. There were no swelling violins or candlelight and he certainly didn’t have the right words to make her swoon, but she wasn’t pulling away. She was nodding and letting him press closer. “Sam.” It wasn’t a question. He didn’t know what to ask, but it didn’t matter because she shook her head, soft hair brushing against his hand as she leaned into him, pressed her forehead to his and then stopped. Maybe it was her way of stopping him. Maybe she didn’t want all the things that he did. Maybe this was as far as it went.
“Have you kissed many girls?” Taehyung blinked and would have pulled back to look at her if she hadn’t snaked her hand up behind his neck, holding him close, just not as close as he wanted to be. He shook his head, loving the way it felt to rub his forehead against hers. “Me neither. I mean, only Matthew. I’ve never kissed a girl either.” Her laugh was soft, but he felt it against his lips and in the pit of his stomach. He licked his lips, the way he always did when he was nervous, only now, with his face so close to hers, it was a very different feeling. He heard, and felt, Sam gasp.
“Is this okay?” he asked, holding his breath while he waited for her answer. He half expected her to pull away and go back to telling all the reasons they shouldn’t be doing this. What he didn’t expect was for her to lean in, pressing her lips gently to his. He should have been embarrassed about the little hum of contentment he made but he was too busy listening to the way Sam sighed. He untangled his fingers, intending to reach for her hair, but she leaned away, running her tongue along her bottom lip in a way that Taehyung was certain he’d be thinking about for a very long time.
“Back to reality, Taehyung.” He hated the way her eyes clouded over as she pushed herself back. “This is exactly the kind of thing that could get us both into a lot of trouble.”
Maybe it was because his heart was still pounding, echoing in his fingertips and toes, but he was having a hard time making sense of what she was saying. “Because kissing is dangerous?”
“If we get caught, yes.”
“Because your roommate will get mad?”
She squinted at him, tilting her head as though he were speaking in tongues. “Because the press will get mad. The fans will get mad. BigHit and Bang PD and all your managers will probably get mad. Hell, maybe even the rest of your members. I don’t know, but you kissing anyone would be problematic for a lot of reasons. You kissing me is just a disaster.”
“Because you’re a fan?”
“Because I’m American! And white! And relatively gigantic compared to the girls you should be dating.” Taehyung hated to hear her stating the awful truth so plainly. He knew she understood the severity of the situation. He just hoped that she also had his sense of hope and optimism. She was taking all the worst parts and making them the most important parts, which was infuriating.
“Should be dating? I'm not supposed to be dating anyone. Bangtan gets 100% of me.”
“I know. I understand that. I know how much you love what you do. I've felt it and I don't want to mess that up. That's why I'm saying that this,” she gestured frantically to the space between them, hands flapping, “is a bad idea.”
“I've thought about it a lot, though. Thought about what my parents would say if I brought you home for Christmas. How the members would all tease me if they knew this was happening. Those are the only people whose opinions matter to me.” He wanted to put more force into his words, make her feel how sincere he was. “I have very little time to be anything other than V of Bangtan Boys, but you're already a part of that. That doesn't change, right?”
“Of course not. I have no idea how we break this connection.”
“Do you want to? Break it?” She was quiet longer than he wanted, rubbing the scar on her hand and crinkling her eyebrows.
“No.”
He let out the breath he'd been holding. “So, we keep doing what we're doing and we don’t get caught.” He reached for her hands, wanting to go back to the kissing.
“It’s not that easy, Taehyung.”
“Why not?” he exclaimed, hands rising in frustration pull at his hair. “We made it this far with the relative blessing of my managers and no one outside knows. We haven’t gotten caught yet being just friends. Why do you think we can’t just keep on keeping this a secret?”
“Because nothing stays a secret. Someone will figure it out and everything will blow up and be ruined.”
“Idols date in secret all the time. Why is this any different?”
“Are they dating tall white girls from America?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because it does! You know it does!”
“Not to me! I got over it.”
“But they won’t. You know they won’t. It’s the kind of scandal that could ruin you.”
This was the reality he’d been trying to avoid. This was the painful truth he wanted to hide from. He slumped back onto the couch, letting his head bounce off the cushions, allowing himself a moment to wallow.
“You know I’m right,” she said from her end of the couch. He sighed and nodded.
“But what if we didn’t get caught,” he whispered. His heart was sinking. His hopes were crumbling. She was right and he hated it.
“Eventually we would. Everyone always gets caught. And maybe worse, if we didn’t, I… I don’t know that I’d like having to be a secret forever.” Taehyung tilted his head to look at her. She was curled up, legs tucked underneath her, arms crossed with her hands tucked under her chin. “You have a comeback to focus on.” She was already farther away than he wanted. “You probably should be getting back to… I don’t know, practice or something.”
“If you want me to leave, I will, but I have some time before I need to get back.” This was awful. Worse than awful. Moments ago he’d been happier than he could ever remember being, thinking everything was going to work out, someday, eventually, somehow.
“Okay. You can stay as long as you want. I’m not chasing you away, I just--”
“Aren’t you though?” His voice was cold, full of hurt and he felt a little guilty about that, but only a little.
“I meant right now. Today. I’m not telling you that you have to leave, but you know this is for the best, right? For you and for me and for Bangtan above all. I’ll… you know I’ll always be your friend. You’re practically my best friend, Tae, but… it can’t be more than that.” She was reaching for him now. He grabbed her hand, running his finger over the scar on her palm.
“Is this all it is? Just some crazy dreams?”
She shrugged but didn’t pull away. “Maybe it started that way, but even if we never dreamed again, we’d still be friends, right? There’s something to this fate thing because… well, you’re really comfortable. We fit together.” He stared at her hand in his, not wanting to look at her face, fearing the resignation he might see there. Instead he moved his other hand to cover hers. His hands just barely covered hers. It was so different from what he was used to with the other women in his life. She was so familiar that he sometimes forgot how different she was.
In so many ways she was right, how much easier it would be to eventually have a publicly acceptable relationship. More than that, how removing the cultural differences, the (rapidly diminishing) language barrier, the distance to her family, the potential disapproval from his family, removing all that would make having a relationship, even as an idol, so much easier. He couldn’t imagine it though. He couldn’t have imagined Sam, the way she fit into his life in a way no one else could, but now that she was here, he couldn’t imagine a life without her.
“We do fit,” he said finally. He tugged on her hand and she moved into his arms quicker than he would have thought. He held her close, breathing deeply as she settled her head next to his. He leaned back, stretching his legs out and she slid into his lap, tangling their legs together and snaking her arms around his waist.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” she whispered into his shoulder.
“I was thinking the same thing.” He braved pressing a kiss to her cheekbone and she shook her head, nuzzling in closer.
“I’m going to miss you.” He wished she would stop talking. He didn’t want to hear the way she was already saying goodbye. He didn’t want to feel the way her lips moved against his neck, the way she pressed him into the couch.
“You won’t. Because I’m not going anywhere.” He pressed a hand to her head to still her protesting squirming. “Not right now.” She sighed and gave him a little squeeze.
“And we’ll just… be friends.” She sounded sad. It shouldn’t have made him happy, but it did. She wasn’t happy about this not-change that they were doing and that was reason to smile. So he did, pressing his cheek to hers.
“For now.”
“Taehyung, I thought we--”
“Shhh. We didn’t anything. You decided. And you’re right. But just for now. It won’t always be like this and we won’t always be like this.”
“That’s good. One of us is bound to need the bathroom sooner or later.” He felt her laughter rumbling against his chest. It felt so good. Too good. Not enough. But for now, it would have to do.
“Yes, that.” He tapped her right arm. “Gimme this.”
She pulled it out from beneath him, balancing awkwardly on one elbow and looked up at him, twinkling her fingers. “Now what?”
He tapped her ring. “I’ve got Bangtan. You’ve got this.” He grabbed her hand and wrapped his fingers around her palm, pressing both of their hands to his chest. “So I figure we’re both going to be busy for a while.” He reached up, cupping her cheek and he was delighted by her smile.
“We can be friends while we’re busy though.” She nuzzled into his hand and blinked at him slowly. “But just friends. This,” she kissed his palm, “has to stop here.”
“Of course.” He glanced at the flowered clock above the TV. “In one hour and seventeen minutes, we can be just friends.”
“An hour and seventeen minutes?” Sam smile stretched slowly as she arched an eyebrow. She was smirking at him. He thought he recognized the look, the one he used on stage, the one he tried on fans and cameras. He wondered briefly if he looked half as good doing it as she did now, but he didn’t have time to think too long because she was leaning in to bump her nose against his and suddenly breathing took all his concentration. He tilted his chin up and closed his eyes. It wouldn't last, not right now. Just an hour to pretend that this was happening now instead of in some distant future he could only dream about. Taehyung knew it was a dream, but that didn’t stop him from believing it.