Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Joe’s bag gave way, spilling all its contents on the corridor floor, it took every ounce of willpower not to fall on his knees and weep like a child.

Of course, Hana had finally settled down in her carrier, and she continued to sleep despite the crash of a half dozen cans of baby formula hitting the carpet, so Joe merely blinked back unshed tears and took a deep breath, finding his key and unlocking his flat. He left the door ajar as he carefully put Hana’s carrier on the sofa and quickly went back to retrieve the scattered cans.

“Oh, sorry,” said a voice as he opened the door. It belonged to a young woman he recognised as living down the corridor. She had a bright, sincere smile. “I heard a bang and was worried someone may be hurt?”

“No, no–” Joe replied, half snort, half grunt. “Only my pride. I should have checked the bag before leaving the car... it was stupid of me.”

“Nonsense,” the woman said, quickly helping him to gather the cans of formula from the floor. “It happens.” Joe held the door open to let her in, indicating the kitchen table just next to the living room. “There, they don’t seem to have suffered any damage. That’s good. Baby formula can be so expensive.”

“Tell me about it,” agreed Joe, wondering if he had again gone through all that trouble for nothing. So far he has tried six or seven different formula brands, and Hana hasn’t taken to any of them. She’s not gaining weight as she should, and Joe’s starting to get desperate.

“Sorry?” The woman was looking at Joe like he had grown a second head, and that was when he realised he must have said everything aloud. He felt his face grow hot, a mix of despair, shame, and resignation.

“I apologise, that’s not how I usually– look, I haven’t slept much lately. She–” He glanced towards the sofa, where Hana started to fuss. “Thank you for your help, but I need to, oh, fuck-”

Joe had been trying not to curse in front of Hana, but he couldn’t help it as he dropped the can he was holding. This time there was no carpet to muffle the noise. The loud bang was followed by Hana’s pitiful cries. Joe sighed and walked the small distance, gathering her in his arms, knowing his scent would help to soothe her a little.

It was the only thing he was good for, after all.

“Can I help?” the woman said, her voice contained. That was when Joe realised that she was an alpha like him, from the way she held herself as if she was keeping her pheromones at bay. She pointed to the formula cans over on the table. “Which one...?”

Hana’s cries had stopped quickly after Joe picked her up, but he soon recognised the way she shifted in his arms, her forehead pressing against his collarbone, her little hands looking for something he couldn’t give her. Younes would probably laugh at Joe if he could see him. That one thought almost made Joe break down, but he knew he couldn’t. Not in front of a stranger.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, wincing when the woman raised her eyebrows. “Sorry, she... she hasn’t really taken to any brand since– I, I have been trying different ones and–”

The woman nodded, realisation dawning on her face as she took in Joe’s unkempt appearance and the lack of an omega in the house or any signs of bonding. For a moment, he was afraid she would arrive at the wrong conclusion, so he hurried to explain in the least amount of words he could muster.

“She’s my niece– my brother, her bearer...” Joe breathed through his mouth. Younes’s scent had almost entirely faded from Hana’s hair by now and it broke his heart. “He passed away two months ago. I’m her guardian, but I–”

“I’m very sorry for your loss,” the woman said. “I don’t think we were ever introduced, but I’m Nile– I live in 26B? If you ever need anything, please, don’t hesitate to knock.”

“Thank you, Nile,” he said, not sure how anyone could help him, not with this, but he was glad he still could remember his manners. “I’m Joe.”

“Nice to meet you, Joe,” Nile said, attempting to smile again. “Now, let’s try one of these, shall we? Just take a seat and hold her for a minute, I can find my way around.”

And that’s how Joe found himself trying to feed Hana a bottle of formula while he told his neighbour about how his life had drastically changed last October, when his brother and his bonded died in a tragic accident, leaving their newborn behind. Younes’s mate had no living relatives while Joe was Younes’s only family in the country. Since they were fraternal twins, Joe was the most likely person to bond with the child, so he was granted full custody.

“Have you thought about finding a wet nurse for her?” Nile asked as she sipped on the tea she had made for Joe and herself. Joe’s cup was still untouched as he tried to coax Hana to finish her bottle. She must be very hungry, because she managed to drink almost half of it before starting to gurgle around the silicone nipple.

Joe sighed, accepting defeat. He put the bottle down and held Hana up against the burp cloth on his shoulder. “Yeah, I–,” he sighed, feeling tired to his bones. “We tried with a couple of beta women, but she just won’t latch. It’s worse than the formula for her...” Joe smiled weakly as Hana finally let out a loud burp. “Since Hana’s bearer was an omega, that’s the ideal milk for her and her doctor put her on all the waiting lists. It’s just– well, most alphas don’t want their omegas to nurse other alpha’s babies, so they told me it’s a long shot.”

Nile was silent for almost a minute, a deep frown on her face. Joe wondered what was going on inside her head, but he held his tongue, just glad to have some adult company that was not a doctor or one of his co-workers. He knew he probably overshared, and Nile was just looking for an excuse to bolt.

“What about the milk bank?” she asked after a moment, her tone measured. “I know there’s one at St. Anthony’s...”

Joe sighed again as he cleaned Hana’s mouth and settled her in his arms. “They fed her with natural omega milk, right after, I mean, and she was doing okay, but since the bank must be local, there isn’t much milk to go around so the priority is for parents who have really sick babies or cannot afford formula. So I– we will manage… won’t we, darling?”

Hana scrunched her nose as she settled against his chest, and Joe felt his heart break a little more. Yes, they will manage. He was all she had in the world, so he had no choice but to find a solution.

“I see,” Nile said, putting her cup down. “So her bearer was a male omega?”

Joe nodded. “Yes, but they told me female omega’s milk could help too, you know, since male ones are so rare.”

There was another pause, and Joe started rocking Hana in his arms, wondering if she would nap long enough for him to get some work done. His boss said she understood what he was going through, but he could tell she was starting to get miffed by his hectic schedule and missed deadlines.

“Look, Joe, I may–” Nile let out a heavy breath, as if she had reached a very difficult decision. Joe did not even know why, but he felt his heart start beating faster. “I cannot guarantee, but I may know someone.”

The noise of the pumping machine was almost soothing, but Nicky couldn’t help but wince as he felt the tug on his nipples become sharper. He sighed. He knew he should stop for today before he became too sore. The lactation consultant explained his milk wouldn’t dry as long as he pumped regularly, but she also said that he should respect his body limits.

‘Especially after everything you went through.’

Nicky knew she meant well, but he almost snarled at her and left the hospital without looking back. It was only his desire to make something good out of the ruins in his life that made him stay and nod as she continued to brief him on safety procedures and good hygienic practices.

He shuddered as he turned off the pump and inspected his nipples, relieved that the skin around the areola was only a bit red. Nicky cleaned himself with a damp towel before applying some nipple cream and letting his pecs dry before putting two pads over his nipples and covering his chest with the nursing top he used under his everyday shirts. Then, Nicky spent the next minutes carefully labelling the milk bottles that someone from the bank would come to collect in a couple of hours. He had just started on dinner when he overheard the front door opening.

“Nicky, I’m home!” Nile’s voice echoed through the small flat, and Nicky let out a shaky breath, instant relief flooding through his chest.

It’s been three months, most of his bruises had faded, and he has been getting better at being on his own, but it was a constant work in progress. When he’s alone, his mind tends to wander and take him to dark places he would rather avoid. Helping with the milk bank or cooking dinner requires just enough attention to prevent him from drifting off. Nicky has also been looking for paying jobs, of course, so he can help Nile with the rent, but so far, nothing.

“Something smells really good...” Nile said as she stepped into the kitchen. Nicky looked over his shoulder so he could smile at her and show her what he’d been cooking when he noticed the serious look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, and Nile became flustered almost immediately. He thought of teasing her about this co-worker she had been talking of lately, but he soon realised that her red face had nothing to do with some infatuation. “Nile?”

Nile sighed and crossed her arms over her chest before leaning against the door frame. She stared into his eyes. “I may have found a job for you.”

Chapter Text

The butternut squash risotto sat heavy in Nicky’s stomach as he tried to digest it along with Nile’s suggestion.

Of course, there was logic in her idea. Nicky already spends so much time pumping, storing and labelling his milk for donation, that nursing an actual baby is pretty much the same goal. He would just be cutting out the middleman and get some money out of it, which he so sorely needs, no matter what Nile says.

They hadn’t known each other for very long, but Nicky trusted her completely. Since their first interaction, Nile had been nothing but honest with him, so he knew there weren’t any hidden meanings to her actions now. He knew that by suggesting he work as a wet nurse, Nile wasn’t secretly trying to hint that Nicky had become a burden to her. She just thought that it was a good idea.

Nicky sighed, putting his fork down. All job offers he had so far had fallen through once they found out he would have to take breaks during working hours to pump. Even omega-friendly workplaces had HR asking about Nicky’s alpha and if they were fine about him going back to work so soon after giving birth. He was the one to cut off communications then. After all, there was no alpha, or baby.

Some jobs wouldn’t ask so many questions, of course, but they would force Nicky to leave the flat at least six days per week. Nicky doesn’t think he’s ready to be on his own outside for so long. Of course, the judge had issued Liam a restraining order, but his ex had made it very clear that he wasn’t done with Nicky.

We can put this little hiccup past us, can’t we, sweetheart?

“Nicky?” Nile called him back to the present with a gentle but firm voice.

He blinked as she put her hand beside his on the tabletop. That was Nile’s way of offering comfort without forcing Nicky to accept it. He could take her hand if he wanted to, no hard feelings.

“Look,” she started. “You know you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need, and that I’m not like, secretly struggling to keep us both afloat, right? I mean, just the amount of money I’m saving on food delivery every week... honestly, I should be the one paying you.”

Nicky couldn’t help but chuckle. He took Nile’s hand and squeezed it between his. There were tears in her eyes when she looked up to stare at him. “So don't even entertain that thought, okay?” she said, her voice a little wet. “Or I am gonna wipe this floor with your lily-white ass.”

Nicky half-chuckled. “Why didn’t I fall for you instead?”

“Because I am not your type?”

“What’s my type, I wonder.” Nicky’s shoulders dropped. “Attractive stronzo with arms of steel?”

Nile didn’t contradict or scold him, she merely squeezed his hand harder. “So, that’s just an idea. I didn’t tell Joe anything about you, let alone that you live here, so if the answer is no, I will text him that my friend isn’t available after all, wish him good luck, and none of us have to talk about this ever again.”

“I don’t–” Nicky said after a moment. “I don’t know if I can do this like that, with the pumping– I mean, it’s different; there’s some separation. I know I’m helping, of course, but–”

“Yeah, I thought about it too. Like, you could just pump some more every day and send a bottle down the hall if it was just about the milk…” Nile took a deep breath. “While I do believe that that baby needs a bit more than that, it’s not your responsibility to provide it.”

Nicky knew what Nile was referring to. Skin-to-skin contact. A nest with both parents’ scent to help them sleep. Unconditional Love. He had read all about that after finding out he was pregnant himself. He had envisioned that nest and hoped that Liam would eventually warm up to the idea too. He would never, ever think that he–

“So it's fine if you don't want to do it, okay?” Nile reassured him one more time before giving his hand one last squeeze and pulling her arm back so she could focus on her half-eaten plate.

Nicky nodded, trying to focus on something else too. Watching Nile eat his food was always an ego booster, but of course, it also came with his share of sad memories. Afterall, Liam also loved Nicky’s cooking and often sang praises to it.

Fuck, Nicky, you have outdone yourself again. I must be the luckiest alpha in the world...

Nicky closed his eyes, trying to shove down the memories of Liam’s smile turning into something else as he learned about the pregnancy. As he first pretended everything was fine, but quickly became upset with everything Nicky did, until he, he–

Nicky put a hand over his soft stomach without thinking. He wondered if he could feel something in there still, but he knew it was impossible. He couldn’t go back. No one could. He had to focus on the future.

“Tell me about the alpha,” Nicky said suddenly, surprising Nile and, frankly, himself.

Nile finished chewing before speaking. “Hm, well, Joe has the biggest puppy-eyes I have ever seen in a grown man, and his curls must have been gorgeous at some point but now are in dire need of conditioning,” she said, sounding dead serious before breaking into a grin. Nicky chuckled despite himself.

“So you don’t think he’s a, hm,” he started, not sure how to form that sentence.

“Secretly an asshole?” Nile raised her eyebrows. “I mean, one can never know for sure, but I asked Moose to run a background check on the guy and everything he said checked out. Including all the sad bits, I’m afraid.”

Nicky was about to drink some water, but stopped the glass midway. “You did what?”

“Yes, while I made that bottle of formula for him. I also texted Moose just to, you know, be sure that this Joe guy hadn’t kidnapped that baby or was keeping some poor omega under house arrest or something–” Nile shrugged and raised her eyebrows when she stared back at him. “What? It could happen.”

And yes, Nicky knew that. He used to prefer to see the best in people, but he knew many monsters were running around. Since he had been released from the hospital, he was seeing a therapist, of course, but also going to a support group with other people who’d experienced pregnancy loss. And some of the stories he heard there made him want to scream until his lungs gave up.

“I–” Nicky paused, his chest starting to feel tender. He knew he’d need to pump at least one more time before bed, and now he couldn’t help thinking about the baby down the hall, crying and refusing her bottle of formula, getting thinner by the day.

No matter his feelings on the matter, he should at least try it out. If she accepts his milk but he realises he can’t physically nurse her, he could always at least pump a few more bottles every day just for her along with the ones he makes for the bank. It would be harder but wouldn’t kill him. And it could potentially save her life.

“I will give it a try.”

Joe paced the living room as he rocked Hana. He knew he’d probably be trying not to tear his hair out by now if it wasn’t for her weight in his arms, so he couldn’t help feeling grateful.

When Nile had texted him last night, just a few hours after leaving his flat (Hi, Joe, this is Nile. My friend agreed to meet. LMK if tomorrow works for you?), Joe really did try not to get his hopes up. He took a deep breath and went to the kitchen to make some tea to calm his nerves before composing what he hoped was a thoughtful, but not overly eager reply (“That’s great news! I will be home tomorrow the whole day, what time works better for you?”) and almost inhaled two cups as he waited for her answer (We can do it at 9 if that’s okay?).

Then, he went to bed wondering if things would finally start working out his way and was about to fall asleep when Hana started bawling in the next room. She fussed and fretted and barely drank any of the bottle Joe had dragged himself from bed to make for her. It took Hana almost two hours to settle down after, and Joe woke up at dawn, awkwardly sitting in the chair next to her crib, hand overstretched beside her pillow, his back and neck both screaming in agony as he tried to stand.

He gave up his usual morning tea and brewed a pot of the strongest coffee so he could be functional enough to text his boss he was going to be late for their weekly video meeting and also bathe Hana and pick what he thought would be a cute outfit for her to wear. He knew that wouldn’t influence the outcome, but he just needed to do something, to make himself useful somehow.

The doorbell rang five minutes past nine. Hana had dozed off against Joe’s collarbone, and he knew she probably left a drool stain on his shirt, but she felt so small against his body that he couldn’t feel anything but love, devotion, and fear.

“Aw, look at her,” Nile said instead of a greeting as Joe opened the door. “Joe, this is Nicky.”

He blinked away from Nile’s face to stare at the man trailing behind her. Joe was taken by surprise because Nile wasn’t a short woman, but the man was a head taller than her, probably almost Joe’s height, and he looked broad even under his layers of baggy, unfit clothes. Joe could tell he was an omega mainly because he smelled like one, but he could have easily mistaken him for a beta or an alpha if they had crossed paths on the street. He didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Nice to meet you,” Joe said instead of all the things he was wondering, and the man nodded in reply. “Please, come in.”

Joe had the foresight to make a fresh pot of tea and get a biscuit can, and he managed to lay everything on the coffee table before he started pacing. Nile let out a cheerful sound at the sight of it, and since Joe was holding Hana, she took the initiative to pour the tea into three cups and grabbed a cookie for herself before settling in one of the armchairs.

Nicky picked the other one and held his teacup without drinking. Under the light of the living room, Joe could examine his face a bit more clearly, and he found himself curious about the omega’s big nose and unsettling pair of eyes. Also, Joe couldn’t really tell what colour they were and couldn’t help but be fascinated by it. He hadn’t drawn in what felt like ages, but now he felt like finding where he had stored his panting kit.

“So,” the omega spoke for the first time after taking a sip of his tea. He had an accent Joe couldn’t place right away. “Do you have any questions for me?”

“Hm,” Joe hesitated. Hana stirred a little in his arms, and he nuzzled the side of her face without thinking. Honestly, if the omega was truly willing and Hana accepted his milk, the only question would be ‘When can you start?’.

Joe knew that wouldn’t do, though. “Can you be available for, let’s say, at least 6 hours per day? I–” he paused. “I also need someone to look after her during part of my working hours. I have been working from home this past month, but I’m usually needed in the office at least a few times per week. Of course, I’d pay full rates for both jobs...”

The omega stared at him, holding his teacup up, though he didn’t take another sip. “I see,” he said after a moment, and Joe could see he was chewing on his lower lip. It made something stir inside his lower belly. “Would you mind if I continue donating to the bank?”

Joe paused. He wanted to ask if he would have enough for Hana that way, but it felt selfish and inconsiderate. Also, he didn’t know how old Nicky’s child was and if they still relied much on his milk anyway, so he could only trust the omega to know his limits. “Is that safe? I mean, for you to feed her and your own and still give it to the bank...?”

Nile put her cup down with enough noise to startle Joe. There was a tense pause where she and Nicky exchanged loaded looks, and Joe wondered what he did or said wrong.

“I’m not nursing another child, I–” Nicky started, placing his barely-touched cup back on the coffee table. Joe thought that was a strange way for the omega to phrase those words, but he only nodded in reply. “But yes, it’s completely safe to do it along with donating to the bank; they treat the milk before giving it to the babies. Also, I got fully tested before I could start donating, of course, so I could ask them in case you need a clean bill of health–”

“Sorry, sorry,” Joe hurried to say, adjusting Hana against his shoulder. “I didn't mean to imply anything, I only meant if it would be safe for you to do it, because nursing seems like, well, a very tough job.”

Nicky’s eyes grew round as the rest of his face softened. It took Joe a moment to understand that he thought the omega was beautiful.

That thought sent his heart racing and his palms cold, but he didn’t have time to examine those feelings because Hana picked that precise moment to wake up fully, wriggling from his arms and making small sounds of displeasure. Joe tried to coo at her, then he accepted defeat and rested her head in the crook of his arms to assess what was the matter.

“Ohhh,” Nile said once Hana’s face was on full display. “Did we wake you from your nap, darling?”

Hana looked up at the sound of Nile’s voice, but Joe couldn’t help watching the omega’s reaction instead. His face was soft still, but his eyes looked impossibly sad. Joe was about to ask if he was okay, when Nicky suddenly leaned forward.

“Ciao, piccolina,” the omega said quietly, staring at Hana as if she was a kindred soul. “You look like you have been through a lot.”

Hana blinked and looked up at Nicky for maybe half a second before she opened her mouth and clenched her fists in one single movement, her eyes squeezing shut as she began wailing with all her might.

Joe’s stomach dropped. That couldn’t be a good sign, he thought, and was about to stand and start praying for the formula to work this time when he noticed Nicky’s out-stretched arms in front of him. The omega looked very serious.

“Give her to me.”

Chapter Text

For a second, Nicky thought the alpha would refuse him.

“Are you sure?” Joe asked in a small, careful voice, the wailing baby secured in his arms.

Nicky was not. He only knew that his heart had been fluttering since the moment that little one had looked at him, and that the second she had started crying, both of his breasts began to leak.

He could feel the milk flowing, soaking the pads he had put on after finishing his first pumping of the day. It always happened around seven, and usually it took him at least three hours to fill up again, but now Nicky couldn’t help but feel like he would burst if he did not feed that baby soon.

“Alright,” the alpha said at last, staring at him with intent, and Nicky thought he could hear the hesitation in his otherwise clear, calm voice. “Here.”

Joe tilted his body to pass the child to Nicky, and they locked eyes for a charged moment as Nicky took her small body and wriggling limbs, Joe’s beard brushing against his left arm for a brief, shivering second. Nicky’s brain registered how soft it felt before his attention went fully back to the crying child.

As Nicky stared at her red face, he felt frozen, as if time stood still and the baby’s cries were trying to shatter his resolve to pieces. He felt the overwhelming urge to give up, to give the child back to her guardian before he could cause some irreparable damage. He held and rocked dozens of babies during his time in the orphanage, but now it’s like all that knowledge had been wiped from his memory. As if failing his pregnancy had deemed him unfit to care for anyone ever again.

Nicky felt a lump in his throat, and he was afraid he might start crying along with the baby in his arms.

He’d never gotten to hold his own.

They hadn’t forbid it, but they hadn’t offered it and he had never asked. He’d thought he didn’t have the right, not after everything. He had regretted it later when it was no longer possible. When his milk had come.

The doctor had told him it was a boy and had explained it was too small to live, something about his lungs. There had been nothing they could do, the doctor said, a little too gently. But Nicky knew it was his fault. He could have done something. He could have left, he could have fought harder, he could–

He felt a tug on his shirt when the little girl in his arms shifted, her finger caught on a lower button, still crying with all her might. Nicky wondered for how long his mind had been trapped back in that hospital, and he looked down at her screaming face and felt ashamed of himself. He couldn’t save his own, but he could help this one child. He could try, at the very least.

“Shhh,” Nicky cooed, lifting the baby so he could press the length of her small body against his chest, her head directly under his chin. “Yes, you’re okay, I’ve got you, little one–”

He pressed his nose to the top of her head and inhaled. The baby – Hana, her name is Hana, came a memory with the sound of Nile’s voice – smelled miraculous. A mix of red berries, probably from her soap, with something brand new, unspoiled like rainwater. Nicky scented her, one hand on the back of her head to keep her body upright, feeling the vibration of her small, punched-out cries.

It took him a second to notice he was vibrating back, a low pulse from inside his chest and throat, and Nicky felt tears burn at the corner of his eyes as he realised he was purring. He hadn’t purred in literal years, and little Hana went quiet almost immediately, so Nicky took his chance.

To his surprise, he managed to quickly open the buttons of his shirt with one hand only and lift his top, baring one of his nipples. He barely registered the fact that there were people around him, one of them a virtual stranger, for his whole world had become only him and the baby. Hana blinked and looked up, opening her mouth as Nicky moved her head to his chest.

And as Hana finally latched on and began suckling, her firm grip on Nicky’s skin almost painful, he felt relief wash over him like a warm blanket.

At that moment, Nicky understood he had been terrified of being rejected by this child, as his own had rejected him. He had been afraid that little Hana would know, maybe in a way only infants did, with a primal, ancient instinct perhaps, that Nicky did not have what it takes to keep a child safe.

Nicky understood that he had been terrified to find out that he was irreparably broken, that he failed the one task he had been born to carry. And he knew that wasn’t a rational thought, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that he pumped for months in the vain hope of feeling like he was enough, that he had helped enough to atone for at least some of his sins. For abandoning his path and getting himself pregnant which, in the end, he couldn’t even do right.

But now, as Nicky watched baby Hana close her eyes, her little face concentrated on the sole act of getting nourished, Nicky felt humble.

In the end, she did trust him.

Despite all his shortcomings, she accepted him, and Nicky felt his chest tighten with the overwhelming need to cry until all his sorrows were washed away. But he couldn’t, not here. He didn’t want to scare Nile or this nice alpha or startle Hana, so he closed his eyes, and despite the tangible weight against his chest, for the first time in ages, Nicky let himself breathe.

Joe averted his eyes as the omega began to unbutton his shirt.

He looked down at his hands, not daring to move, afraid he would catch a glimpse of the omega’s bare chest. Joe wasn’t a conservative alpha by any means. He had been around Younes after he had given birth, and then when he began nursing Hana. But that had been his brother, whom Joe had known all his life, and not this exquisite, strange creature willing to help him with something so critical and so intimate.

After he passed Hana to Nicky’s arms, Joe was at a loss on what to do with his empty hands, so he just sat back and watched as the omega stared down at his niece in awe, before lifting Hana to press her against his chest and scent the top of her head.

She was still crying then, but merely a few seconds later, she just stopped. Joe couldn’t help but gasp, wondering if Nicky radiated something magical from his very core. He hadn’t known what to feel the moment he understood the omega was purring to her, and soon the familiar cold and bitter taste of shame became too strong for Joe to ignore.

He closed his eyes, feeling himself lacking in a way he hadn’t felt in years. If Joe had just bonded the omega his parents had chosen for him back home instead of flying across the sea to escape his duties, maybe Younes would have stayed too. Of course, his brother would never meet Matthew and have Hana, but Joe wouldn’t have had to deal with the fact that his brother was dead and that he had almost let his newborn niece starve.

“Ahhhh, such a darling.” Joe blinked to the sound of Nile’s voice and looked up to find her leaning over Nicky in the armchair, half-covering the omega from view. He could see Hana’s little feet kicking as she nursed, but not her face or Nicky’s chest, which he ought to be grateful for despite his curiosity. “And what a good eater she is!”

Nicky replied something with his soft voice that Joe couldn’t pick up from his seat. He tried not to think about Nile’s comment, because, of course, Hana was nursing well, considering her guardian had been unable to properly feed her in weeks and–

“Joe?” Nile called, and Joe noticed she was now standing in front of him. “A word?”

Joe felt a tug in his chest, the conflicted feelings about leaving Hana’s side, but also wanting to give her and Nicky some privacy. So he nodded and kept his eyes on the back of Nile’s head as he followed her to the kitchen. He glanced at the omega on his way, but Nicky had his head down, the tip of his nose brushing against Hana’s growing hair, and Joe felt his heart jump inside his ribcage.

“So, Nicky says he’ll do it,” Nile picked up her phone. “Now, I'm expected at work in half an hour, but I should be back after lunch, so... is it okay if Nicky starts today, then?”

“I–” Joe felt his throat suddenly dry, shutting down any doubts looming in his mind. “Yeah, of course, the earlier the better.”

“Good, listen, I–” Nile sighed and Joe frowned. She looked like she was about to deliver some bad news. “I don’t know how much you know about wet nurses, specifically omega ones, but there’s a reason they’re so rare to begin with–”

“Their alphas, yes?” Joe said, remembering he had mentioned it to Nile the day before. “So Nicky’s...?”

Nile looked tense, her shoulders suddenly rigid. “Nicky’s got no alpha, it’s–” Joe could swear Nile was fighting the urge to not curse. “Look, for this to work... you cannot ask questions about his personal life, okay? Being a wet nurse can be very complicated for an omega. They can bond easily with their charge, which is good for the baby, of course, but it can become a burden for the omega because, eventually, well, they’re gonna need to wean that baby and leave, see?”

Joe nodded. He had read about that, and it felt like one more thing that he was doing wrong. “I understand,” he said, not sure what Nile was expecting him to reply. Did she want him to send Nicky away? To refuse him? It had been her idea. “What can I do to make it easier for him?”

“First, as I said, no personal questions. Nicky is currently living with me, so he’s gonna come here and stay with Hana during the days, also pump a couple of bottles that you can heat up for her during the nights. Think that might work?”

“Yeah, yes!” Honestly, that was a lot more than Joe had even dared to hope.

Nile began typing something on her phone with only one hand. “Good,” she nodded. “I’m gonna need your details so I can have a work contract drafted up... it’s for safety, for both of you.”

Joe nodded again, willing to sign pretty much anything Nile put in front of him if it meant Hana would be properly fed and looked after.

He had grown to dread the weekly doctor appointments, afraid that someday they would realise that he was no good and take Hana from him and give her to someone who could actually care for her. If Nicky happened to bond with her and that became an issue in the future, well… that was a problem for future Joe. If his niece gained enough weight and became healthy again, he knew he could deal with anything else.

Once Nile stopped typing and pocketed her phone, the flat became suddenly too quiet except for the gurgling sounds of Hana nursing and the low vibration of Nicky’s purring. Joe couldn’t help a smile, wondering if the omega’s purring could somehow affect him too. Then he felt a completely different kind of vibration in his trousers and realised it was his phone reminding him of his work meeting. “Hmm,” he started.

“Yes?” Nile asked, lifting one perfect eyebrow. “Anything wrong?”

“Not at all, just–” Joe sighed. “How long does it take– the feeding, I mean? Won’t he get thirsty? He barely sipped his tea, should I get him something to drink, maybe?”

Nile snorted through her nose. “I don’t know, man, it might take a while. Just, hm, maybe get him a bottle of water in ten minutes or so? Make sure it’s something he can hold with only one hand and you should be fine.”

“Okay,” Joe nodded. “I can do that, yeah.”

“Good, now I’m off.” Nile went over to Nicky and put a hand on his shoulder. “See you later, deal?”

Joe kept his eyes on the omega’s face, noticing the way his expression looked almost serene now, but how his half-smile didn’t reach his strange eyes.

He wanted to ask if Nicky was feeling okay, if all that breastfeeding didn’t hurt or if he could help in any way, but he didn’t dare. Instead, he bid Nile farewell before closing the door, and announced loudly as he stared somewhere past Nicky’s head, “I will be here in the kitchen working if you need me.”

Joe wasn’t sure if Nicky had even heard him because there was no verbal reply, but he thought he could make himself useful in the meantime. He turned on his laptop and began googling about how to support a breastfeeding omega, opening multiple tabs in his browser. This will take some time, he thought. His work meeting would have to wait a little while longer.

Nicky had just moved Hana to his other breast when he overheard a coughing sound. He lifted his eyes and found the alpha, Joe, purposely avoiding looking at him while also trying to get close. Nicky blinked, realising Joe was carrying something, and he couldn’t help a chuckle once he recognised a bottle of water in one hand and a Gatorade in the other.

“Joe,” Nicky said, not bothering to hide the fondness in his voice. “It’s fine, you can look, I– if I’m going to be around, I don’t want you to trip on your furniture and hurt your toes or something.”

Joe looked at him then, but Nicky could tell his eyes were purposely stopping at his collarbone, and he couldn't help feeling touched by the consideration, unnecessary as it was. “And I will have the Gatorade, thank you. Do you, hm, do you mind opening it for me, please?”

The alpha seemed to preen under that simple request, and Nicky shoved what that reaction provoked in him in the very back of his mind. He was compartmentalising. Dr Alder would be so pleased with him. Sébastien, on the other hand, would call his bullshit on the spot.

Joe did as he was told, and Nicky accepted the open bottle of the orange drink, emptying half of it in one gulp.

“Oh, someone was thirsty,” Joe said, trying to lighten the mood as he took the half-empty bottle back.

He closed the lid and put it on the coffee table in front of Nicky, taking the same seat he had occupied before. Nicky lifted an eyebrow at him, and Joe became flustered, maybe taking in the full meaning of his words as he stole glances at his niece in Nicky’s arms. He could practically smell the concern in the alpha. “Sorry, I didn't mean to–”

“Joe,” Nicky said in a firm voice, his hand caressing the side of Hana’s head. During the first ten minutes, her suckling had been intense and steady, but now she had calmed down as if understanding Nicky wasn’t going anywhere. His heart broke a bit at that thought, and he knew that feeling couldn’t be put away so easily. “She’s fine.”

The alpha put both of his hands on his knees. “Yes,” he said, sounding utterly defeated. “Thanks to you.”

Not thanks to me... were the unspoken words, and Nicky opened his mouth to reply but couldn’t find anything to say. Nile had told him about Joe’s eyes and curls and how tired the alpha looked, but she didn’t say anything about the obvious guilt weighing down his shoulders.

“Joe,” Nicky called him again, and the alpha lifted his head, staring at him. Up close, for the first time, he noticed how Joe’s eyes were the colour of rich wood, and warm and welcoming as a summer morning. “You did your best, and it was enough. Hana is okay.”

Joe blinked for a second before nodding back, his eyes becoming bright with unshed tears. That’s when Nicky noticed the corner of his eyes, wrinkled with laughing lines, and couldn’t help wondering what it would take for Joe to laugh freely again, and if Nicky would still be around to witness. He would like to. He couldn’t deny Joe was a handsome man, and he figured he’d look even more so when he was happy.

“Hana’s okay,” Joe replied and offered Nicky some more Gatorade.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Joe woke up with the sun on his face.

It took him a minute to understand what that strange feeling in his limbs and neck was. He remembered he had gone to bed around midnight, so if the sun was up, that meant he had slept for over six hours straight. That strange feeling was restfulness then, and once Joe realised what that entailed, he almost fell on his face in his hurry to get out of the bed.

The carpeted floor was rough under the soles of his feet, and the chill in the morning made his skin crawl, but he barely paid attention to any of that, too focused on getting to Hana’s nursery.

Something must be wrong, his mind screamed, because Hana had never slept through the night like that, not since her parents-

Once he reached the doorframe, Joe stopped short, and his heart skipped a beat as he stared at the bundle in the middle of the crib.

Hana looked so small. Joe had had that nightmare before, the one where exhaustion finally overtook him and he fell into a coma of sorts, leaving his niece to cry in hunger for hours, maybe days. He knew his fears were only in his head though, so he took a deep breath and walked over to the crib, placing his hands on the raised gate, blood pumping loudly against his ears. He almost dreaded looking down, but knew he couldn’t wait any longer.

Hana’s scent was peaceful and sated in a way Joe had thought was lost since his brother died. She was fast asleep, one of her small hands resting against her cheek, the shiny thumb a tell-tale sign that she had it stuck in her mouth probably only minutes ago. She hadn’t really taken to any pacifiers, but she loved to suck on her thumb. Joe thought that was her way of seeking comfort in a manner he couldn’t provide so he tried not to feel terrible about it.

Joe wanted to reach down and touch her face, feel the growing hair on her head, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

Younes had shaved it all when she turned seven days old, and since Matt hadn’t converted when they had bonded, it had been Yusuf’s responsibility to collect the precious strands and weigh them so they could donate the same amount in silver to charity. Matt had watched everything with curiosity but did not say a word against it once Younes explained her hair would grow stronger for it. Matt was rightfully annoyed though, once he found out that since Hana was a girl, only one goat had to be butchered in her name instead of two. His indignation got him a kiss from Younes and a promise from Joe that the meat of three goats would be given to charity in his daughter’s honour.

Joe was so lost in that happy past that it took him a moment to notice how, with her other arm, Hana was fiercely hugging a piece of cloth he didn’t recognise right away. But once he had, the memories of yesterday came rushing in and suddenly, Joe’s restful night and Hana’s sated scent were painfully obvious.

Nicky.

As promised, Nile had returned in the afternoon and the three of them had sat at Joe’s kitchen table to go over Nicky’s work contract. Then Joe had found out the omega’s name was actually Nicolò and that the accent he had noticed earlier was from Italy. Nile’s advice about personal questions had Joe refraining from inquiring any further, but his curiosity had been piqued. He had done his best to instead focus on the clauses detailing the terms of employment, Nicky’s job role and responsibilities, as well as his wage and benefits.

Though Joe understood the necessity of a contract for both his and Nicky’s sake, it had been strange to see everything laid out in black and white. From his view, Nicky was saving his niece’s life and Joe couldn’t ever offer him enough money to make up for it. In fact, Joe didn’t even have to pay for anything himself, since Younes and Matt’s life insurance would be enough to cover Hana’s expenses at least until she went to university.

They agreed Nicky would always come at 9 AM and leave at 3 PM unless Joe had to go into the office. Any extra hours would be paid separately, of course. Joe assumed Nicky and Nile had discussed those terms in private the day before, for the omega barely spoke during the whole ordeal, too busy nursing Hana and nodding in reply whenever Nile asked him a direct question. He only opened his mouth when Joe had asked how he’d rather be paid, for he could set up direct deposits through his bank account if preferred. When Nicky had asked if cash would be okay, his eyes cast down, Joe immediately sensed something was off but didn’t dare to ask.

Once the contract was done with, Joe proposed they order some food to celebrate. He had made cheese sandwiches for himself and Nicky during lunchtime, but both of them could use something more substantial. Nile told him he should pick since it was his flat so Joe ended up choosing this place he and Younes had loved to eat at when they had first come to the UK. He ordered an extra large mezze platter with hummus, baba ganoush, tzatziki and tabbouleh, along with enough falafel and pita bread to feed six people.

Nicky had just finished nursing Hana when the food arrived. Joe took her so the omega could eat, but she immediately started to complain once he picked her up, wiggling her limbs like a tiny, adorable octopus. As Joe froze up, Nicky went to him, and he thought the omega would offer to take her back, but he merely grabbed a piece of cloth he had under his shirt and pressed it between Hana’s neck and shoulder. It took only a second for the omega’s rich scent to reach Joe’s nostrils, and he watched, fascinated, how Hana immediately stopped wiggling and began to doze off.

As they ate their fill, Nile did most of the talking, complaining about this case her firm had been working on for months. Joe showed Nicky how to use pita bread, a couple of falafels, some hummus and tabbouleh to make a delicious wrap; when the omega had seconds, Joe wondered how much energy it must take to breastfeed and made a mental note to stock up his pantry the next day.

After Nicky and Nile had said their goodbyes, the flat became so quiet that Joe put on some music to distract himself from his thoughts and worked on a project until Hana woke up near midnight. Then Joe heated one of the bottles Nicky had left in his fridge and fed, burped and bathed Hana, at last offering her the cloth with Nicky’s scent to coax her back to sleep.

And as Joe could see now, it had worked like a charm. He couldn’t help all the mixed feelings it caused him, but he decided to focus on the fact that Hana had rested, and so did he. That was enough.

He was wondering if he should check the state of her nappy or let her sleep some more when the doorbell rang loudly in the flat. Joe blinked, expecting to see his niece startle and start crying her lungs out, but Hana merely stirred, opening her mouth to stick her thumb inside, her free hand grabbing Nicky’s cloth and pulling it closer to her nose. Joe smiled and decided it was safe to leave her to answer the door.

He wasn’t really surprised to find Nicky in the corridor, but the vision of the omega still gave him pause.

“Morning,” Joe said carefully, noticing how the bags under Nicky’s eyes looked a touch sharper than yesterday. “Is everything okay?”

Nicky blinked as if he was noticing Joe for the first time, and that’s when his face turned a dark shade of pink, followed by a choking noise. That was when Joe realised he hadn’t bothered to change from his sleeping clothes before checking on Hana. That meant he was now standing in front of an omega in nothing but a pair of loose shorts that hung perilously low on his hips, his bare chest exposed to anyone who walked down that corridor.

Joe cursed under his breath and stepped back into the flat, ushering Nicky along and closing the door. He quickly grabbed a long coat from the rack and put it on like it was a bathrobe. He felt utterly ridiculous. “Sorry,” he tried. “I just woke up.”

A heavy silence hung between them until Nicky broke it.

“I’m sorry I woke you, I can come back later, I–” Nicky started, going for the doorknob.

Joe reacted before he could think, placing his hand over Nicky’s. The omega looked up from where they were touching, the pinkness in his cheeks becoming deeper, and Joe let go of him with a frustrated sigh. “I was up already, I just didn’t get a chance to change, please–” he said, not sure how to complete that sentence. “Please stay. I will make us some tea, yes?”

Nicky nodded, eyes glued to the floor. He hugged his midriff as if he was suddenly cold and Joe felt a maddening urge to take off his coat-turned-bathrobe to cover Nicky with it, and he couldn’t even begin to phantom how many contract clauses he would be breaking with that gesture alone. Come to think of it, they were already breaking one right now since he was pretty sure they were nowhere near 9 AM...

“Can you put the kettle on?” Joe asked, trying to focus on one problem at a time. “I will change, it won’t be a minute.”

Nicky had slept in increments. Around 4 AM, he could barely turn over on the bed because his chest felt too full, so he got up and pumped half a bottle for the bank, labelled it and stored it before trying to doze off. But his mind soon drifted off to the flat down the corridor, and he found himself wide awake.

Yesterday had been the first time in months that Nicky felt like he had a purpose again, and he craved that feeling back. He knew he needed to sleep to function properly, but it was like Hana’s scent had seeped under his skin and he couldn’t help worrying about her, wondering if she was sleeping well. It took all his strength to not get up and march up to Joe’s flat and demand to see her.

In the back of his mind, Nicky wondered if he’d still feel like that if he had had a chance to hold his own child, to smell his scent, but his memory was a blank page, his heart an open wound.

He had given up on trying to sleep when the sun finally rose.

Thankfully, Nile had an early morning so, after putting coffee in her thermos, she wished Nicky an official good first-day-at-work and left. It was barely 8 AM, but Nicky knew he couldn’t wait any longer, the pressure in his chest becoming painful. Joe had mentioned Hana was an earlier riser, so Nicky was surprised when he had found the alpha in that state of undress.

Joe looked well-rested, though, so Nicky couldn’t help feeling a little proud and agreed to stay and start on the tea. It took him a few tries before he found the tin where Joe stored the teabags, and he was amazed by all the options the alpha had. He grabbed two clean mugs and had just filled and turned on the electric kettle when he overheard crying coming from the back of the flat.

Joe had given him a quick tour the day before, so it was easy to find Hana’s nursery.

“Buongiorno principessina,” he said as he leaned over Hana’s crib, picking her up as easily as if he had done that for years.

The tiredness seemed to leave his body, and Hana visibly relaxed once Nicky pressed her against his chest. A quick touch on her bottom revealed a damp nappy, and he chuckled and looked around, quickly finding everything he needed on the changing table propped against the nearest wall.

Nicky had changed his share of babies in the orphanage, and he was relieved when his memory didn’t fail him this time. Hana giggled as he brushed his nose against hers and pressed a kiss on her forehead to distract her as he removed her onesie and then her diaper. He managed to quickly get her clean and into a new nappy before he noticed Joe’s presence.

The alpha had put on a pair of jeans and a white shirt that did little to distract Nicky from the way the fabric visibly stretched against his arms, though it was nothing compared to the display of his bare chest earlier. His curls were wet as if Joe had attempted to tame them, and there were a few drops of water on his beard too. Nicky stared back at him over Hana’s head, trying to bury the memory of how soft the alpha’s beard had felt against his arm the day before.

“You didn’t have to do that–” Joe started, walking to the dresser and opening a couple of drawers before choosing a purple romper with a little yellow bow over the chest. Nicky expected him to take Hana from his arms, but instead, Joe hesitated. “It’s not 9 yet,” he said before offering Nicky the piece of clothing.

Nicky nodded, accepting it. “That’s okay,” he said, carefully putting Hana back on the changing table. “I don’t mind it.”

Joe’s face twisted into something Nicky couldn’t read. He knew the alpha wasn’t happy, but his scent was the opposite of aggressive. In a way, he still smelled guilt, but there wasn’t anything Nicky could do about that. Maybe feeling her guardian’s discomfort, Hana began to fight against the clothes, and Nicky stepped back to allow Joe to take his place.

“I will finish that tea,” he said, feeling tired again but unwilling to let it show.

Nicky found the kettle had automatically turned off, but the water was still hot enough, so he filled both mugs and was deciding if he should bring them back to Hana’s nursery when Joe arrived in the kitchen with her in his arms. She was visibly struggling now, though the alpha had somehow finished dressing her, even managing to put a matching hat on her head. Nicky felt his heart flutter.

“She’s hungry. There’s still half a bottle in the fridge, I can heat it and–” Joe started, but Nicky shook his head.

“I’m here,” he said and sat in a chair, opening his shirt before Joe could say anything else. “Hi, darling–” Nicky smiled as Joe put Hana in his arms, and she latched even before Nicky could get a proper grip on her.

Still, he couldn’t help letting out a sigh of relief as he felt the milk flowing, his chest instantly becoming lighter.

“Hmm, here,” Joe said after a moment, and Nicky looked up, blinking at the piece of fabric in Joe’s hand. It looked like a burp cloth. “She– this helped her sleep.”

“Oh.” Nicky blushed as he remembered the piece of cloth he had put under his top the day before. He hadn’t brought any extra pads, so he had been using that to prevent his top from getting wet. “I see.”

Joe nodded, and Nicky couldn’t say for certain, mostly because of his beard, but the alpha seemed to blush. He accepted the cloth back and resisted the urge to take it to his nose, wondering if maybe some of Joe’s scent had rubbed on it as well. Instead, he pressed it against Hana and watched her relax, starting to suckle a little calmer.

“Do you–” Joe started. Nicky lifted his head to look at him. “Do you take anything with your tea? Have you eaten?”

“Just plain tea, thank you,” Nicky replied. “And I ate at Nile’s, but please, eat, it’s your home.”

Joe snorted under his breath, and Nicky frowned, but made no comment as he watched the alpha move around the kitchen. Joe popped a couple of slices of bread in the toaster, and then covered one with butter and the other with blackberry jam. Once the alpha sat and began eating, Nicky allowed himself to relax a bit.

“This is a lovely romper,” he said, glancing at Hana.

The alpha blinked, looking up from his half-eaten toast. There were breadcrumbs in his beard, and Nicky resisted the urge to reach forward to brush them off. “My brother picked that one. Purple was his favourite colour... half of his hijabs and headscarves were some shade of purple.

Nicky paused. He knew – mainly due to Nile’s background check – that Joe and his brother had come from a Muslim family in Tunisia, and he also knew that omegas were encouraged to dress modestly in his culture. Though he had worked in a Catholic orphanage, he had to deal with a couple of Muslim mothers and they were always delighted to find he was an omega so they could nurse openly in front of him. Suddenly, Nicky felt a little self-conscious about his uncovered chest, but not enough to do anything about it. He had already said to Joe he could look and Joe was welcome to ignore him if he wanted to.

“Those could be good for a nest,” Nicky said instead. Joe was chewing on his second toast, but he stopped and looked up, frowning at him. “For Hana, I mean? Maybe those scarves kept some of her bearer’s scent. I can help build it–”

“I don’t–” Joe interrupted, and Nicky immediately recognised the pain on the alpha’s face. “Do you really think that could help?”

Nicky took a moment to check on Hana, who kept nursing as if nothing was wrong with the world. “I do,” he said. He had read a lot about nests and scenting before Liam broke his phone. Then, during the few doctor visits he had been allowed to go to, he had managed to sneak some leaflets into his pockets. “The more familiar scents, the better for her to feel safe and relaxed,” he added, stroking Hana’s rosy cheek.

“Hm, I probably could find a few shirts from Matt, he had a rather... simpler wardrobe.” Joe chuckled. “Younes was always nagging him about it, asking if they were secretly starving since his bonded couldn’t open his wallet to buy some new clothes for himself.”

For a moment, Joe’s face relaxed completely, and Nicky couldn’t help but smile. It didn’t last very long, for a vibrating sound rocked the kitchen table, and it took him a moment to understand it was Joe’s phone. The alpha glared as he checked the display.

“Shit,” he said, immediately standing up. “Sorry, I have to take this.”

Nicky nodded, but Joe was already out of the kitchen, the phone glued against his ear. He overheard the sound of a door closing with some force, followed by Joe’s muffled but visibly upset voice. Nicky tried to concentrate on nursing the baby in his arms and not on the angry alpha in the next room. Even if Joe wasn’t angry at him, the mere idea that something bad could happen at any minute made Nicky squeeze Hana a little harder against his chest and she let go of his nipple, blinking up at him.

“Sorry, darling, it’s okay,” he said, taking the opportunity to move her to his other breast. “That’s it– just, everything is fine, I promise.”

And Nicky realised he was saying those words to himself as well when the door opened in the back of the flat, and Joe returned to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry,” he started, and Nicky was surprised by how his face looked ashen. “But I will have to leave for a few hours. I’ll come back as soon as I can– I didn’t expect this to happen already, so if you can’t, I can try, fuck– maybe I can find a sitter–”

The alpha was spiralling, but Nicky was relieved for not sensing an ounce of aggression on him, only raw, unchecked frustration. Nicky reached over and put a hand on Joe’s arm to try to ground him a little.

“That’s okay, Joe,” he said, putting only a bit of pressure on his fingers. “I will stay and care for Hana, don’t worry.”

The relief on Joe’s face was palpable.

“Thank you,” he said earnestly, pulling his wallet and taking out a business card and a fifty-pound note. “You’re welcome to anything in the fridge or the pantry, I– I haven’t done a proper run to the grocery store in ages, so feel free to order anything you would like to eat– I think there’s still some leftovers from yesterday in the fridge and I–”

Nicky couldn’t help but chuckle, giving Joe’s arm one last squeeze before letting it go. “We will manage, don’t worry,” he said.

Joe stared at Nicky’s hand on his arm and then at Hana’s relaxed face. “I know.”

Chapter Text

The group meeting ended around five, and most participants left the Community Centre within minutes.

Nicky couldn’t help the pull he felt to follow them, to return home. He hadn’t felt that before. Of course, he still had trouble seeing Nile’s flat as “home” and, in any case, she wouldn’t be there for a few hours yet, so he was in no hurry, but... Nicky knew he would be welcome in the flat down the hall. Joe had said so. And Nicky had nursed Hana right before leaving for the meeting. He had also pumped a bottle for the night, so his chest wasn’t tender or anything, but he craved Hana’s scent to the point it felt like an itch under his skin.

And that’s probably the reason he decided to stay behind as he usually did. He needed to pace himself, to be on his own for a little while. Also, Sébastien always could use some help tidying the place up.

The other omega noticed Nicky’s presence but didn’t say a word. Instead, Sébastien merely nodded in his general direction and continued to stack the folding chairs while Nicky cleaned the tea station. He threw away all the used paper cups and took the empty thermos to the tiny kitchen in the back to be washed. He did it carefully but efficiently, focusing on the task at hand and trying not to get lost in his thoughts.

Nicky had been coming to these meetings for the past seven weeks, and once again, he had declined to share his story with the group.

He felt bad about his silence, he really did. He knew how support groups worked. He had even led some of them when he first came to the UK, before he went to work in the orphanage, as part of his duties with the Church. More than once, he had told his attendees how cathartic it could be to share one’s burden with those who could understand. Nicky felt almost like kicking his past self. He was so naïve.

“Fancy a beer?” came Sébastien’s voice from the kitchen door, but Nicky didn’t turn, also resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“No alcohol,” he replied and arranged the thermos upside down on the drying rack. “Sorry.”

“Hm.” Sébastien made a sound in the back of his throat. Nicky thought he looked a bit disappointed, but since that was his default expression, he decided not to feel too bad about it. Sébastien crossed his arms over his chest. “Still donating, then?”

Nicky nodded. “Yes,” and that was all he had planned to say before he blurted out the next words. “And I got a job.”

Sébastien frowned, his silence quickly filling up the small space. Then, before it got too heavy, he said, “The pub also has some non-alcoholic beverages, I was told.”

“I see,” Nicky said, drying his hands. He knew what Sébastien was offering. Nicky hadn’t said anything during the meeting, but he could talk to Sébastien now, if he wanted.

Nicky wasn’t sure if he did, but there was no harm in sharing a drink.

They finished cleaning and were walking into the pub before six. Sébastien offered to get the first round and asked if Nicky wanted to eat something. He declined. For the first time in ages, Nicky could actually afford a meal, but he thought it was better to save as much as he could. He could eat later at Nile’s.

“You look well,” Sébastien said as they got seats facing each other in a secluded booth, their drinks sitting untouched on the tabletop. “This job of yours... it seems to be doing you good.”

Nicky studied Sébastien’s face. The other omega looked tired, a week’s worth of stubble covering his jaw and cheekbones. He wanted to ask how he was doing, but Nicky knew it would sound like deflection. Besides, Sébastien had a partner and two living children waiting for him at home, while Nicky had... what? An alpha lady he had been friends with for less than six months, and this other alpha he had known for only a week and who was currently paying Nicky to nurse his newborn niece?

Nicky flinched as those thoughts immediately turned sour in his mind. After everything he went through, people had told him he was allowed to be selfish, but that feeling never felt right, no matter how he looked at it. Nile had taken him in, had given him a safe place to begin his life again, and Joe and Hana had given him a new purpose. He had so much to be thankful for.

“I’m actually working as a wet nurse,” Nicky said, sipping his glass of grape juice as he braced himself for Sébastien’s reaction.

Not that he has ever said anything against Nicky’s donating to the milk bank, but he didn’t know what to expect from another omega regarding being a wetnurse. He knew that was very uncommon for an omega, and that was because most alphas didn’t want their mates smelling like children other than their own.

Sébastien stayed silent for a minute, ignoring his beer, but soon his face softened. He gave Nicky a tired smile. “How old are they?”

Nicky couldn’t help smiling back. “She’s three months old.”

“That’s young,” Sébastien said, and Nicky thought his eyes looked a little wet and bright. “Her bearer having trouble feeding her?”

Nicky hesitated. On one hand, that wasn’t his story to tell. On the other hand, maybe he needed this, to say the words aloud, to make it real. He needed someone who could understand what was at stake. And maybe... maybe he needed a friend for when the time came Hana would no longer need him. Nile would be there, yes, Nicky had no doubt, but she had never experienced that kind of loss.

Sébastien had.

So Nicky began to tell him everything. Without mentioning names or places, he talked about Hana and the loss of her parents, how her alpha uncle became her guardian and how he had been struggling to feed properly. Nicky described the look of despair in Joe’s face and how small Hana felt in his arms, how desperately she suckled at first. He talked about how her scent was the best thing he had ever felt in-

Nicky stopped talking immediately, the guilt hitting him like a punch in his chest. He took a deep breath and blinked, staring at Sébastien across the table. He expected to be judged, to be rightfully accused of forgetting about his own child too fast, but the other omega just nodded and let out a ragged, wretched sound.

“They let me hold Jean-Pierre for a few minutes, you know, before he stopped–” Sébastien shook his head. Nicky has already heard that story a few times, for Sébastien would tell it during meetings if someone needed the incentive to speak up.

“And I wish I could remember his scent,” he added, surprising Nicky. Sébastien had never gotten to this part before. “It’s all gone now, but I just know that, at that time, it was the most amazing thing in the whole world– better than his brothers had ever felt... and I couldn’t help wondering if maybe that was because I knew I was about to lose him, so I–”

Sébastien stopped suddenly as if he had choked on his next words, and Nicky was about to move so he could hug him, or at least put a hand on his shoulder, but the other omega simply grabbed his pint and took a long gulp from it, emptying half of his beer. He shook his head once he noticed Nicky’s face.

“I’m fine, it’s just– he would have been eight last Sunday.” Sébastien half-shrugged, running a hand over his face. Nicky thought he looked like he had aged ten years over the course of that talk. “And no one remembered it, no one, I– I waited the whole day for Margot to acknowledge it, so we could take some flowers to his grave, but she– she just forgot it. She forgot him. She moved on, and I... I’m still here. And I may not remember his scent, but I do remember him.”

Nicky didn’t know how to reply. Maybe it was a good thing he never got to be ordained, that Liam found him first. A priest should know what to say in times of distress, such as this one. But it was like his own guilt had clouded everything else.

“If you ever need company,” Nicky started, unsure if he was overstepping. “For the cemetery, I mean, I could go with you.”

Sébastien chuckled, face impossibly sad.

“Thanks, my friend, but this is not about me, despite me hijacking the conversation.” He took just one sip this time, and Nicky wondered if that was his first beer of the day. “Today is about you and your new charge, who sounds rather adorable, so tell me more about her, please,” Sébastien added.

And Nicky did. He talked about how Hana liked to grab his fingers as she nursed. How she made the most adorable sounds when her uncle played with her. How much she grumbled about tummy time at first but seemed to find it fascinating as the minutes went by. Nicky described her hair, which was still short, but looked like it had a natural tendency to curl, if her uncle's hair was anything to go by...

“Her bearer and uncle were twins? An omega and an alpha?” Sébastien frowned. He had finished his pint but didn't seem eager to get another. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.”

Nicky explained he believed they were fraternal twins. He hadn’t been able to help but notice the few pictures placed around the flat. A photograph of the two brothers as children, before they presented, in front of a beautiful, old building. In another, they were a few years older, in a green park, Younes wearing a hijab and Joe a very ugly backwards cap.

Joe and his brother looked related, yes, but Younes was shorter, with a round, clean face. Nicky could only assume that underneath his headscarf he had curls as beautiful as his brother’s, but their eyes were the same. Hana’s eyes looked different, but it was still too early to say how they would settle. She might end up looking more like her sire, who was a blond man with green eyes and very, very tall. There was a picture of the couple on what Nicky assumed was their wedding day, and Younes looked tiny next to his mate.

The pictures weren’t exactly hidden around the flat, but they weren’t in prominent spots, as if Joe did not want to look at them by accident. Nicky understood the memories were still very raw, so he waited a couple of days before he asked Joe again about getting some clothes from Younes and Matt.

“I have tried to build a–” Nicky started, careful, unsure of how to frame the question until realising Sébastien was probably the best person to ask. “A nest for her. I got some things from her parents, and she sleeps in it just fine, but not for as long as I’d expected.”

Sébastien seemed to consider his words before asking. “Does she sleep well when she’s with you?”

Nicky nodded, feeling his face grow hot. That was exactly what he was worried about. “Her uncle got me this sling?” Nicky said. “After she nurses, I put her in it and strap it against my chest and she falls asleep almost immediately.”

“And you're worried you are, what–” Sébastien chuckled darkly. “Getting this baby hooked on your scent or something?”

Nicky hesitated, but his silence was probably answer enough. Sébastien sighed and reached forward to put a hand on Nicky’s shoulder. The angle was a little awkward, but he managed to give Nicky a strong squeeze before pulling back.

“I'm afraid it will be the other way around, my friend... and it will be hell for you to deal with it when that time comes,” he said, and for the first time, Nicky noticed the mix of awe and fear in his voice. “I can’t say that I would do the same in your place, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be you if you didn’t at least try it... and that’s the kind of spirit we need in the group.”

Nicky lowered his eyes. “Sorry I haven't been able to share so far.”

“Next one, maybe?” Sébastien sounded hopeful, though his eyes were still sad. “If you feel up to it?”

Nicky nodded. “Thank you, Sébastien.”

There was a pause before the other omega nodded in response.

“Call me Booker,” he said with a gentle voice, and Nicky blinked, surprised, but decided not to ask further. “Alright, since you have a job now, I guess that means the next round is on you.”

Nicky chuckled and went to get their drinks.

Joe held his breath as Dr. Scythia took Hana from his arms and placed her on the digital scale.

That morning, as Joe watched Nicky unwrap Hana from the sling he had gifted to him, he thought his niece did look bigger than a week ago when the omega had first started nursing her. The vision had filled him with hope, but now as Hana laid on the scale’s bowl, naked except for her diaper, Joe wasn’t so sure anymore. So he balled his hands into fists and averted his eyes to avoid staring at the red numbers on the digital display.

Maybe he’s too late. Maybe his efforts had been for nothing. Maybe Hana’s former doctor had been right when she said Joe should have let his parents, a proper alpha and omega couple, care for his baby niece. Younes had been dead for less than ten days, and Joe had never felt so alone, so he almost had listened to Dr. Kozak. He had been about to book a flight to Tunisia when he found out that the doctor had been contacted by his parents and had been acting on their behalf. Joe removed Hana from Dr. Kozak’s care on the same day. Younes had loved his homeland, yes, but he hated how strict their parents were and he would never want his child to be forced to live the life they had escaped from.

Dr Scythia had been recommended by Joe’s boss’ wife and they had got along well. She was an oddity, of course, for alphas rarely specialised in infant care, and was also rather stern, but Joe appreciated how Dr. Scythia had been completely honest with him from the very start. She set those weekly appointments to track Hana’s development and never sugarcoated her dissatisfaction regarding her patient’s weight and overall growth, so Joe was quite ready for a devastating blow when Dr. Scythia finally let out a sound that could not be described as anything but triumphant.

“We are right on track!” she announced as Joe finally gathered the nerve to look the doctor in the eye.

“What?” He asked, staring down at Hana and the numbers on the scale, but his heart was beating so fast he couldn’t read at all what it said. “Is she okay?”

Dr. Scythia paused, her face still serious, though he thought he could see a smile there. He let himself breathe a little and felt almost lightheaded.

“She gained a fair amount since your last visit,” she said, picking Hana up from the scale and laying her on the table to perform the regular checkups. “She’s still underweight, yes, but if things continue progressing at this pace, she will reach the appropriate weight for her age in two or three weeks.”

“Are you sure?” Joe asked before he could formulate a more thoughtful question.

Dr. Scythia stared at him over Hana’s wiggling limbs. “I don't make a habit of giving false hopes to my patients, Mr. Al-Kaysani,” she said, taking the baby in her arms and smiling down when Hana tried to grab her stethoscope. She gently offered her hand instead, which Hana promptly tried to bite. “Or their guardians.”

Joe swallowed dry. “Sorry, it’s just–” he started, but Dr. Scythia already knew everything that had happened, and he couldn’t go through it again right now. Once he looked up, her face had already softened a little.

“Hana’s progress in such a short time is remarkable,” she said, offering the baby back to him. As Joe took Hana, he noticed how the doctor’s nostrils flared a little. “So whatever you’re doing, it’s surely working.”

She didn’t ask what, though. Instead, Dr. Scythia stayed silent as Joe avoided her eyes and began dressing Hana back into her clothes. He soon felt the weight of her stare on the back of his neck and sighed, realising he was probably just being territorial. He felt like punching himself, just a little. Dr. Scythia was an alpha, yeah, but her priority was Hana, not catering to Joe’s insecurities, whatever they were.

“I got her a wetnurse,” he said as Hana made a noise and tried to mouth at his hand. Maybe she was hungry already. Good thing Nicky had packed an extra bottle in Hana’s bag. “He’s... he’s an omega.”

Joe wasn’t sure if he expected Dr Scythia to be surprised, but she didn’t bat an eye. After a short pause, she just nodded and made a note on Hana’s chart. “She seems to be adapting rather well.”

“Yeah,” Joe started, adjusting Hana’s jumper and gathering her in his arms. He caught a faint whiff of Nicky’s scent in Hana’s hair and felt his heart skip a beat. “He’s great... and Hana took to him almost immediately, it’s, it’s–”

Joe had been trying to find words to describe what he felt every time he looked at Nicky and Hana together over the course of the last week, but every time, he fell short. It was fascinating, for sure, but it was more than that. It felt too intimate, holy almost, something he shouldn’t tell anyone. He didn’t think a doctor could understand that.

“Good, I–” Dr. Scythia looked away from her tablet and seemed to hesitate for a moment before shaking her head. “Let me know if you have any questions in the future... and I will see you both next week?”

Joe thanked Dr. Scythia and rocked Hana in his arms on his way out. He felt an exhilaration growing with each step he took towards the exit, his mind miles ahead, wondering if it was too soon to celebrate that one small victory, but at the same time already planning to text Nicky and Nile and ask them over for dinner tonight. They could order some nice food and watch a movie, maybe. Joe smiled and felt light on his feet in a way he realised he hadn’t since landing in London with Younes almost ten years ago, their whole lives ahead of them.

Hana was drooling against Joe’s collarbone when he unlocked the door and secured her in her car seat. His niece was usually much more agitated during her doctor visits, but today Hana had been calm and agreeable. Joe wondered how much Nicky’s presence in their lives had to say for that. He had considered asking Nicky to come with them today but decided that would have fallen beyond their work agreement.

Still, Joe thought he could feel how every time Nicky had to leave Hana, the omega seemed to hesitate just a little, his scent turning sharp and caged. It made Joe’s skin crawl, and he wished he could do something about that. Hopefully, Nicky will accept his invitation for tonight. And Nile too, of course, Joe’s mind added lamely as he got behind the wheel and turned on the engine.

He was about to drive out of the parking lot when his phone started ringing. Joe glanced at the display and groaned under his breath as Lykon’s number glared back at him.

“You got to be kidding me–” Joe bit down a curse and considered letting the call go to voicemail.

He had a soft spot for Lykon, though. The young man reminded him of Younes. “Ly,” Joe opened in a careful tone. “Look, I can’t really talk right now–”

“Hey, man,” Lykon’s voice sounded small and tired. “I know you’re supposed to be at the doctor’s, but we have a situation here–”

“I just left, yeah, but I’m driving so I can’t really, wait a sec–” Joe sighed and killed the engine. “Situation? Please, tell me it’s not like last time’s ‘situation’...”

A week ago, after Joe had to leave in a hurry and let Nicky care for Hana alone on his very first day, he had decided to put his foot down when it came to work. He had taken this morning off for Hana’s doctor’s visit and had sent an email to HR and everything. Also, his boss had green-lighted that he was to work from home for the rest of the day, so to have Lykon calling him now was making his blood boil in the worst kind of way.

“You know it is,” Lykon chuckled. “Little Steven arrived half an hour ago, and he won’t shut up about how he needs his dear Yusuf to lead the presentation...”

Joe closed his eyes, trying to keep his anger in check so as not disturb Hana in the backseat. She was almost asleep. “You know the project inside out, Ly, you can talk about it so much better than me, I–”

“Course I can. But everyone knows Steven wants to hop on your knot–”

“Lykon!”

“Don’t ‘Lykon’ me, it’s true,” he said. “It doesn’t matter, though, I hate to ask, all right, but could you please pop in just for one hour or two so this man can have his weekly dose of juicy alpha pheromones and be on his merry way and let us work–” There was a pause before Lykon added: “I’m saying please here, Joe.”

Joe groaned again. “I have Hana with me, I can’t really–”

“Oh fuck,” Lykon said. “How is she? Should’ve asked it right away, sorry, I’m a disgrace to all omegas in the land, my mama always says that.”

Joe couldn’t help chuckling. It was true that Lykon had no nurturing bone in his body, but he was a good guy. “She’s doing great, doc says, gave her a gold star and everything.”

“That’s wonderful news!” Lykon perked. “Bring her along, then, it’s about time you show her off, right? Oh fuck yeah, I’m already seeing it... big, single alpha presenting the storyboard with a cute baby strapped against his strong chest– oh god, Steven will go into heat so fast he will combust. It’s going to be marvellous, I can’t wait.”

Joe shuddered at the thought of Steven Merrick like that in his vicinity but decided to not indulge in Lykon’s musings. “Is D okay with all that?” he asked, just to be sure. His boss was... particular when it came to her omega clients. “She usually prefers to handle Merrick herself–”

“Yeah, man, who do you think told me to call you?” Lykon laughed, lowering his voice. “Anyway, D can’t deal with him today, she had to leave, something about her wife, I think?”

Joe sighed. He didn’t fail to see the irony in all that, but still, he couldn’t help wondering if Quỳnh was okay. They never spoke much, but she was the one who recommended Dr. Scythia to him and Joe will be forever grateful for that alone.

“Fine, okay, I–” Joe finally relented. “I’m on my way, but I can’t stay long.”

Lykon thanked Joe, profusely and enthusiastically, promising to have everything ready for him. He blew a kiss through the phone before hanging up. Joe slumped against his seat and was about to put his phone away when he noticed there was a new message from an unknown number.

‘Joe, hello. How is Hana? What the doctor said?’

Joe frowned, not recognising the writing style when a new message popped up.

‘Sorry, this is Nicky. This is my new number.’

Joe’s chest filled with warmth, and he smiled. Apparently, Nicky had his last phone stolen some time ago and was temporarily using Nile’s old one. Since Nicky had gotten his first payment yesterday, Joe couldn’t help wondering if he used it to buy a phone. The thought was weirdly upsetting, but he couldn’t really put his finger on why. So Joe shelved those worries away and typed a reply asking if Nicky would like to come over later for dinner and a movie to celebrate Hana’s new milestone. He added a P.S. for Nicky to bring Nile along, just for good measure.

The drive to the office happened without any incidents so Joe made a good time. Once he arrived in the office, though, things went south really fast.

Merrick was more unpleasant than usual, and Joe quickly noticed that the omega could smell something off because his nose wrinkled wherever he got too close to Joe. It took him a moment to realise that it must be the lingering of Nicky’s scent that had transferred to him from Hana, so he made a mental note to order Nicky some extra dessert in gratitude.

Joe also tried to have Lykon hold Hana while he presented the project, but she began bawling not five minutes later, and he ended up doing the whole thing with her secured against his torso. Just as Lykon had predicted, people ended up paying much more attention to him than to the storyboard details so Joe had to repeat himself a few times before he managed to wrap up the presentation.

By the time he drove home, Joe was worn out. All the light, good feelings from that morning had been drained from him so he had to collect himself in the car for a minute before making his way to Nile’s flat and ringing the doorbell.

Hana, until then almost asleep in his arms, began fussing the exact second Nicky opened the door. Joe and Nicky stared at each other for a moment, before the omega shook his head and opened his arms to take her. Joe sighed in relief as he watched his niece settle in the omega’s arms.

“So you spent the whole day out,” Nicky said in his soft voice, tickling Hana’s nose. “You must be exhausted, principessina.”

“She isn’t the only one,” Joe added before he could stop himself. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.”

Nicky blinked and looked up, offering Joe a half-smile. His hair was a little wet, and Joe realised he must have just showered, the scent of soap still clinging to his skin. Joe had to fight the urge to get close enough to find out what kind it was.

“Oh, Nile offers her apologies, she has a date tonight,” Nicky said as they made their way to Joe’s flat. “So you will have to do with just me.”

Joe nodded, trying not to panic at hearing the word ‘date’.

The events of today had reminded Joe how long it had been since he had even thought about sex, and he didn’t want to have any thoughts in that regard with Nicky in the same room as him. His niece was getting healthy again, and Joe had Nicky to thank for it. He wouldn’t ever do anything to jeopardise that–

‘Nicky’s got no alpha’, came Nile’s voice, piercing inside Joe’s mind.

The words rattled Joe more than they did the first time he heard them. It felt like that conversation happened ages ago. He shook his head, noticing that Nicky was settling on the sofa and opening the buttons of his shirt, presumably to nurse Hana. Joe had changed her in the office’s family bathroom, so they could probably delay her bath for another hour or so.

He excused himself for a quick (and probably cold) shower while they waited for the food to be delivered. It had taken some persuasion for Nicky to choose, but in the end, he had settled on Indian. Joe made sure to order enough so they could have plenty of leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Joe was also careful to take a fresh set of clothes with him to the bathroom so he wouldn’t have to walk around the flat in a towel. His shirt was a bit damp when he joined Nicky and Hana in the living room just in time for the food to arrive.

Once the smell of aromatic spices filled the flat, Joe couldn’t help feeling pleased as the omega’s eyes sparkled. He organised everything on the coffee table, the containers filled with curry, chicken and mutton, plus a pile of garlic naan, half a dozen vegetable samosas and as many gulab jamun.

“So, what are we watching?” Joe prompted, turning on the flatscreen, the streaming menu on display.

“I picked the food–” Nicky said, a piece of garlic naan dipped in curry in his free hand. “You can choose whatever you like, I… I probably haven’t seen it anyway.”

Joe hesitated. Yes, he had an ever-growing “to watch” list to resort to but most movies were romantic dramas, and he didn’t think it was a good idea to watch any of them with Nicky by his side. Nicky, the unbonded omega who was nursing his niece and smelling like something Joe wanted to tuck under his heart and never let go.

In the end, he decided they could use some good old laughs and put on Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Joe wasn’t sure if Nicky would appreciate that kind of humour, but he realised he made the right choice as he witnessed Nicky chuckle in several parts, finally losing his cool when Marian’s chastity belt was revealed. The omega’s belly laugh was so enormous he ended up startling Hana who had fallen asleep against his chest halfway through the movie. She made her displeasure known with a loud cry. Nicky was still laughing and had to pass Hana over to Joe so he could put himself together.

They decide to pause the movie for the moment, using that opportunity to give Hana her much-needed bath.

“So,” Nicky started once Joe got Hana in the bathtub, his hands holding her legs and the back of her head in place. “What the doctor said?”

Joe cursed under his breath. He had asked Nicky to come tonight and completely forgot to reply to his original message.

“She sounded excited,” Joe said and watched as Nicky used a washcloth to clean Hana’s eyelids with clean water, before moving to her nose and ears. “Said if Hana continues to gain weight like this, she will be out of the woods in two weeks.”

Nicky paused, a faint smile playing on his lips, and he quickly looked down at the newborn in Joe’s hands once Hana began to wiggle against the water. Joe held her legs more carefully.

“I’m so glad,” Nicky said and Joe didn’t dare to look up, but he could tell there was something restrained in the omega’s voice. Of course, he should be happy with the news, especially with the part he played in everything. “She looks happy enough, doesn’t she?”

Joe nodded as Hana giggled when Nicky poured a dab of baby shampoo on her hair and began massaging her scalp. The omega had large hands, but his fingers were delicate enough that soon Hana’s eyes were slipping closed as she relaxed under his touch. Joe couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have Nicky’s fingers in his hair and immediately tensed up.

“Joe,” Nicky said. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Joe lied. “Just– I think my hand got numb...”

“Oh, sorry, sorry–” Nicky said. “Here, let me.”

And Joe realised his lie only made matters worse, as his and Nicky’s hands touched underwater when the omega promptly assumed his place in holding Hana. Joe swallowed dry, feeling like he had been electrocuted or something. Still, he tried to focus on the task at hand so they could finish this before the water got too cold.

As Joe took the washcloth and began cleaning between the folds of Hana’s arms, then her fingers, Nicky cleared his throat. “I–” Nicky started. “When is Hana’s next doctor visit? Maybe you–”

Joe waited for Nicky to complete his line of thought, but when the silence lingered, he looked up and found the omega biting on his lower lip, looking utterly tense. “Nicky?” he prompted.

“Would you like me to go with you, next time?” Nicky blurted out. “I mean, I don’t mean to impose...”

“Yeah, yes, of course, that–” The words poured out Joe’s mouth so easily that he almost began laughing. “That would be good, I think.”

Nicky offered him a full smile and together, they finished bathing Hana. After, Joe wrapped her in a clean towel before beginning to dry her body, careful to not leave any damp areas while Nicky cleaned the coffee table and put the leftovers in the fridge.

This was not a date, of course, but Joe couldn’t help feeling his heart race a little too fast because of how easily he and Nicky moved around each other. How they cooperated almost without words so they could care for Hana. The idea should alarm him, Joe thought, it’s been only a week, after all. Yet, it felt almost comfortable, and he gladly accepted Nicky’s suggestion of clothes for Hana to wear to sleep as they returned to the sofa to finish the movie.

Joe sighed easily as he pressed play on the remote and tried to keep his eyes on the screen while Nicky nursed Hana one more time as the credits rolled in.

Chapter Text

Hana reached her weight goal three and a half weeks after Nicky started nursing her.

Joe fought back a sob when Dr. Scythia announced, with a huge smile, that she didn’t want to see Joe’s ugly face in her office for the next month at least. He nodded in reply, unable to form any words, so Dr. Scythia left him in charge of putting his niece’s clothes back on while she turned to ask Nicky for updates on Hana’s feeding habits.

She had done the same last week when the omega accompanied them for the first time. Joe had worried Dr. Scythia’s raw honesty might intimidate Nicky, but they had hit it off straight away. Joe was still trying to ignore the way that makes him feel. Nicky had no alpha, yes, so he could be with whoever he wants, but Joe couldn’t help that nagging feeling in the back of his mind: what if when Nicky does find a partner, they decide they don’t want him nursing Hana anymore?

Joe knew that was a selfish way to view things. Consciously, he also knew that Hana wasn’t the only reason for his distress, but he didn’t dare to entertain those thoughts. And, of course, he knew Dr. Scythia wouldn’t ever do anything to put Hana’s health in danger, so he just tried to block out their conversation to give her and the omega some privacy.

That soon proved rather difficult because Hana began fighting him, refusing to stay still so he could dress her. It took Joe a moment to understand she was trying to crawl towards the sound of Nicky’s voice, and his heart broke a little. The omega soon noticed it as well and gave Joe a short nod and a half smile, gesturing for him to wait. He traded a few more words with Dr. Scythia, who tapped on her tablet one last time before waving him away.

Together, he and Nicky got Hana back in her clothes. Joe thought she looked rather adorable with her bodysuit covered in sunflowers. Her hair had grown some more over the last couple of weeks, and Joe wondered if looked thicker as Younes said it would. He couldn’t help noticing Nicky only had eyes for Hana on their way out, and he allowed relief to permeate through his body like warm sunshine.

“Martin, oh my god– look at that little bean!”

Joe stopped in his tracks as a couple approached them just outside the waiting room. The woman was making noises in Hana’s direction, who was almost dozing off on her sling, face pressed flat against Nicky’s chest. Joe glanced at the omega, wondering if he needed any assistance, but Nicky was smiling at the stranger while keeping a protective hand around Hana’s back.

The woman must have taken that as an incentive to get close enough without outright touching Hana, but Joe could tell she wanted to, very, very much.

“Those precious round cheeks, awww–” she cooed, and Joe couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud. Hana was finally hale, and it showed. “You must tell me the secret to keep yourself from pinching them every single day,” she said to Nicky as if they were long-lost friends. That’s when Joe realised she was an omega as well, noticing a small bump under her yellow dress.

“It’s a true hardship,” Nicky replied with a solemn face, though he sounded pleased. “But then I remember she can bite me in retaliation, so I try to contain myself.”

The woman laughed, and Nicky smiled, sheepish. Joe felt his face twist into a grin. He didn’t remember Nicky ever complaining about Hana biting him while she nursed, but then, why would he? It wasn’t something Joe could help him with, not to mention it probably would make things a little too awkward between them...

... and Joe couldn’t stop his mind from promptly conjuring a vision of Nicky showing up in his bedroom late at night, a hand over his chest and a painful look on his face. He had some lotion or cream in his other hand and asked Joe if he wouldn’t mind rubbing–

“And what’s her name?” the woman asked, breaking Joe free from his ridiculous fantasy. Only then he did notice Nicky staring at him as he bit his lower lip. It took Joe a second to realise the omega was waiting for his permission to share anything else about Hana.

“It’s Hana,” Joe offered in his place, trying to smile too. “Her name is Hana.”

“Oh, Hannah? Such a pretty name!” the woman’s husband pitched in as if deciding he should contribute to the conversation. Joe resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “We still haven’t decided what to call ours. Lizzy says we have to wait until we meet him.”

Joe bit on his tongue. Younes had Hana’s name picked before he bought her first piece of clothing.

“I’m sure your choice will be perfect,” Nicky said. He was smiling still, but Joe noticed his shoulders had become suddenly rigid. “If you’ll excuse us–”

“Oh shit, sorry,” the woman said, though she didn’t sound sorry at all. “You must be in a hurry, right? There’s so much to do after they’re here in the outside world... Have you managed a full night of sleep since you had her? I bet you di–”

The smile vanished from Nicky’s face and his hold on Hana became tighter as if he was afraid someone might snatch her from his arms. Joe moved on instinct. Ignoring the building turmoil in his soul, he put a hand on the small of Nicky’s back, and when he spoke, his voice was a low groan.

“We’re late for an appointment,” Joe said through gritted teeth. “Very nice meeting you.”

He didn’t wait for a reply. As he and Nicky began moving towards the exit, Joe overheard the couple arguing behind them, but he was concerned about the way Nicky’s scent abruptly had changed to focus on anything else. He kept his hand on the omega’s back, trying to ignore the way Nicky’s body irradiated warmth even under all his layers of clothes. Joe had to fight the urge to lean in closer.

He only thought to remove his hand when they had finally reached the car. Nicky’s shoulders looked tense, his movements almost stiff as he untangled Hana from the sling, buckling her sleepy form into her car seat. He was careful to tuck in a piece of cloth with his scent between her neck and chin, and she barely stirred. Joe let out a sigh and waited for Nicky to take his place in the passenger seat before climbing in.

“I apologise,” Nicky blurted out before Joe had a chance to say anything. “I should not have–”

“Wait– what?” Joe frowned. “Shouldn’t what?”

Nicky stared down at the empty hands in his lap. “They thought she was mine.” His voice sounded small, his words heavy. “They thought we, that we– I’m sorry, I should have said something, I–”

“It was none of their business,” Joe said, glad his voice didn’t falter as he frantically tried not to think about the idea of Nicky being his. “People will assume what they want. We’re an alpha and an omega leaving a paediatrics office with a baby, they just– you did nothing wrong, Nicky.”

Joe rarely used the omega’s name, and he thought those two syllables felt good on his tongue. There was a pause before Nicky nodded and shook his head, in a single motion almost. Joe waited for him to say something, but almost a whole minute passed in silence before Nicky finally looked up. His eyes were slightly red at the edges. Joe felt his heart grow small.

“I understand, Joe,” he said– and Joe wasn’t sure Nicky did but decided not to push for now. “I’m sorry I overreacted.”

Joe frowned, noticing Nicky looked almost... afraid? And for one alarming moment, he worried Nicky might think Joe was mad at him, and for what exactly? If anything, Nicky should be the one mad at Joe for putting him in that situation in the first place. He considered saying that aloud but decided it was best to let it go. “There’s nothing to forgive, okay?” Joe said as gently and firmly as he could. Nicky bit his lower lip but offered him a small nod in return.

Once Joe had driven them into the streets, his thoughts were free to wander. He was forced to confront the notion that having two complete strangers thinking Nicky was his mate felt irrevocably good. He knew he should be wary of those feelings, that they couldn’t lead to anything but heartbreak. Yet Joe couldn’t help but smile as he remembered the warmth of Nicky’s body under his hand. He wanted to feel that again. If he was honest with himself, he has been waiting to feel it for a while now, a want slowly burning under his skin.

Of course, Joe had thought Nicky was a beautiful man since that first morning, but he didn’t realise he was becoming attracted to the man nursing his niece until he started noticing Nicky’s body in a way he knew was far from appropriate. His eyes, his nose, the softness of his chest, the way his hands did everything with care and precision, how strong his thighs looked as he did something as mundane as balancing Hana on his knees while closing his shirt with just one hand...

The tipping point happened a few days before when Joe had walked into his living room and found the omega on all fours on the carpet, the fabric of Nicky’s trousers stretched thin against his arse. It didn’t take long for Joe to understand Nicky was merely trying to retrieve a toy Hana had thrown under the sofa, but it had been too late. Joe bit his tongue as he tried to contain a grunt of pain when he burned his hand spilling half of the steaming tea he had just brewed.

Nicky heard it anyway and immediately abandoned his quest on the floor so he could usher Joe towards the kitchen sink, forcing his hand under a stream of cold water. The pain of the burn in contrast with the coldness of the water helped to ease Joe’s racing pulse but did little to erase a very vivid picture of an omega presenting to their alpha as Joe has seen many times in porn. He was almost grateful for the burn because it gave him an excuse to flee the flat for an hour to buy some soothing lotion. He spent most of that time in his car, willing his arousal to fade away.

Being trapped in the car with Nicky now along with those troubling memories only added to the already awkward situation they just experienced, but Joe had decided to not let it meddle with today’s good news. Hana was out of danger, and that made all other problems small.

Joe drove for a while with that resolution in mind, but soon the silence inside the car became too heavy, the omega’s scent still sharp with worry. Joe considered putting on some music, though he had no idea what Nicky would like to listen to. Come to think of it, Joe had been following Nile’s counsel so thoroughly that he only had some vague notions about the kind of food Nicky liked eating and absolutely nothing else.

“Any plans for today?” he asked before he thought too long about it. Nicky didn’t startle at the sound of his voice, but his eyes still looked haunted as he blinked back at Joe.

“Plans?” he tilted his head. “I– I thought I would sort through Hana’s clothes to check the ones that no longer fit... maybe you want to donate some? I know a charity–”

Joe couldn’t help but smile. “No, I meant... what do you say... we celebrate Hana’s clean bill of health? No staying in this time, maybe we can go somewhere nice?”

Nicky stared back at him, his frown dissolving into a guarded expression. “You like doing that,” he said. “Celebrating.”

Joe thought the omega sounded almost sad and resisted the urge to reach forward and touch his arm. “My brother was like that,” Joe said. “He used to say life is a gift we should always offer ourselves.”

“That sounds very wise.” Nicky’s face softened. “Do you want to go now?”

“Why not? It’s a gorgeous day!” And it really was, Joe thought as he looked through the window. Spring was on its way, and the sky was bright blue, spiked by some white clouds, with no sight of rain. “I can’t remember the last time I spent an afternoon in a park, lying on the grass... we can get food, have a picnic.”

The omega looked over his shoulder, watching Hana sleep. He hummed under his breath. “I packed her a change of clothes. We can stay out for a few hours, yes.”

“Perfect,” Joe said. “I know just the place.”

It took under twenty minutes to drive to Holland Park. They parked close to a Tesco Express where they acquired a few sandwiches, a package of chocolate muffins, and a bottle of grape juice, and then proceeded to walk the small distance until they found themselves surrounded by green. It was a weekday, so there weren’t many park goers and most of them were teenagers, noses buried in their phones. They spotted a group of omegas and beta women watching their toddlers and children run amok in a playground and made sure to stay well clear of them.

While Joe carried a grumpy Hana in his arms, who didn’t appreciate being woken from her nap, Nicky found them a perfect spot close to a large tree. Joe put Hana’s bag between them while Nicky laid a blanket Joe had in the car and carefully spread out the food.

“Can I have the chicken salad?” Joe asked as Nicky sorted through the small pile. The omega opened the package and offered it to him but had to pull it back quickly when Hana tried to grab the sandwich with her hands.

“This is not for you, piccolina,” he said while Joe chuckled. “Come, let your uncle have his lunch.”

Hana’s eyes stayed locked on Joe’s sandwich until Nicky arranged her in one of his arms and began opening his shirt. Her attention was then completely overtaken by the sight of the omega’s chest, and Hana latched as soon Nicky leaned closer.

After almost a month, Joe no longer averted his eyes whenever Hana began nursing. He still tried to not stare directly at Nicky’s bare chest, of course, but he had caught glimpses of the omega’s small breasts and dusky nipples enough times. And Joe’s body betrayed him every time that happened, his face becoming hot and his stomach fluttering.

Usually, he managed to distract himself with work. There was always a storyboard to finish, the dishwasher to fill, groceries to buy, but right now he didn’t have many, if any, options. Joe considered pulling out his phone to check his email, but it felt rude to ignore Nicky when he was the one who dragged the omega out here in the first place.

Thankfully, Joe was saved from his turmoil by Nicky himself, who cleared his throat.

“I wanted to ask,” he started, shifting so he could sit on his legs more comfortably with Hana’s weight in his arms. “It’s okay if you don’t want to– but I have been wondering about Hana’s bearer, Younes. How was he like?”

Joe stopped chewing, relieved and surprised that hearing Younes’s name outside his own head didn’t sting as badly as he thought it would. It wasn’t like he had ever stopped thinking about his brother since the day he died. How could he? When every time Joe looked at Hana, he couldn’t help seeing Younes in her, in the shape of her nose, in the way her hair curled around her ears.

“He was–” Joe shook his head, unsure where to start. “He was my best friend.”

Nicky watched him in silence, giving Joe a chance to gather his thoughts, maybe offering him an out if Joe wanted. He understood Nicky’s request, though. The omega was nurturing Hana from his own body. It made sense that he wanted to know about the person who brought her into this world.

“It didn’t come easily for him, you know?” Joe said. “Being a parent.”

Nicky blinked and caressed Hana’s hair, but stayed silent.

“During the last weeks before he went into labour, he complained day and night about his body, his ankles, his research. He kicked Matt out of their room so many times claiming he didn’t wish to be looked at. Matt was terrified, the poor guy, it was almost funny–” Joe took another bite of his sandwich, glad there was no longer a lump in his throat. “After Hana was born, he was miserable for two whole days maybe? But he came around and when he nursed her for the first time, his face, God, his face was– I mean, he said it hurt like hell, but he was smiling so hard...”

Joe felt his voice become heavy, but he went on. “We left home after he got a scholarship to study law here, but of course, our parents didn't want him to come. They had marriage proposals set up for both of us, but we didn't want that life. Younes’s intended was the son of one of our father’s business partners, and Younes hated that guy’s guts so I couldn’t– I had to help. We are both of age, and Younes only needed an alpha relative to vouch for him. I had inherited some money from my uncle and I had enough to rent us a place. So we came here together, and we never looked back.”

Hana made a gurgling sound, and Nicky changed her to his other breast before Joe continued. He couldn’t help thinking he would have to tell that story again in a few years when Hana eventually began asking questions. He hoped it would be easier by then.

“He met Matthew during our very first month here– he was a teacher assistant in one of his classes, and he got under Younes’s skin in no time, but I could tell it was different. Younes was so angry when he admitted he was growing feelings for Matt, he came home one day and he was fuming, banging his books down, and he said to me ‘I didn’t come to a city of 9 million people to settle down for the first white alpha that smiled at me’.”

“He sounded very lively,” Nicky said with his half-smile. “Hopefully Hana inherits that.”

Joe snorted. “Yeah, he was, and he always wanted to help others, that’s why he went to study law, and he started working with refugees even before he graduated. He said to Matt he wouldn’t be bonding anyone before he got his diploma, and then he made Matt sit another couple of years for him to finish his Masters as well. Of course, Younes was worth it, Matt was happy to wait, the two of them together, it was like they were meant to be, they...

“It took him almost four years before he got pregnant with Hana. Younes–” Joe took a deep breath. Remembering that bit was always hard. “He called our parents after he found out, he wanted our mother to know, they used to be close before he presented, and, well, it went horribly. She didn’t like to know her omega child was pregnant from an ‘infidel’, and she said his child would suffer because of his lust–”

Joe’s voice broke. He had been sitting next to Younes when his brother had made that call and overheard everything. At some point, he had even tried to intervene, but Younes hadn’t let him. He had kept a straight face as their mother had gone on and on. Once she was done, he had merely hung up without saying goodbye and never brought it up again.

Not for the first time, Joe wondered how their parents felt when they found out about Younes’s death. And now, he couldn’t help wondering if their mother thought she had been right all along, that Younes’s choice of mate caused his imminent downfall, and that his daughter was being now punished for who her parents were...

Nicky’s eyes grew bigger, and Joe cursed himself, realising he didn’t mean to say that last part aloud. “Sorry,” he ran a hand over his face, suddenly very tired. “I know it’s too much.”

Hana had finished nursing, and Nicky was currently buttoning his shirt. He didn’t look up as he talked, voice low but very clear. “We are made of all parts, the beautiful and ugly ones, and we should be loved whole. Your mother had no right saying those things, not to her son, and especially not about someone as innocent as her unborn grandchild, God– God would be ashamed of her.”

The way Nicky said those final words, the certainty of them, gave Joe pause. He wanted to ask how Nicky could be so sure about all that. Joe has never been particularly religious, but before he could formulate the question, the omega sat Hana on his knee so she could burp and said, “Thank you.” Nicky glanced at him. “For sharing your brother’s story with me.”

Joe nodded, watching as the omega kept Hana’s back straight, staring at her with open adoration. It took maybe half a minute before she burped, and Nicky carefully cleaned her mouth before pulling her towards his chest, starting to purr for her. Hana’s eyes slipped close in no time, and Joe couldn’t help marvelling at that now familiar sight all over again.

It was no wonder that the rude couple thought Hana was Nicky’s. The omega cared for her as if she was, with a devotion Joe has only seen in Younes and Matt. He couldn’t help wondering if he would ever come any close to that, but God, Joe wanted to try. He owned it to his brother, and to Hana. And, he realised with a gripping fear in his heart, he didn’t know if he could do that on his own.

“Were you offended?” Joe asked, regretting that question the moment it left his lips. Nicky was already looking at him, though, so he had no choice but to soldier on. “That those people thought I was your, hm, mate?”

Nicky opened his mouth but didn’t reply right away. Instead, he looked down at Hana’s sleeping form, scenting her head before he arranged her body in the crook of his arm. He caressed her cheeks with the tip of his fingers, as if he was touching something sacred. His next words came out quiet, but clear.

“I have seen the way you’re with Hana, Joe, you... you just love her so much, it’s so–” Nicky paused, a half-smile playing with the corner of his mouth. “When I first came to this country, I worked in an orphanage, and I saw so many abandoned children over the years. They came to us with all ages, and the worst part was, most of them had living relatives who could take them in, but they just, they didn’t want them. Turns out alphas are not very welcoming to raise a child they didn’t sire, even when they are related to them.”

“That’s–” Joe started, uncomfortable with the notion that what he was doing for Hana was something extraordinary and not the bare minimum of decency. “How can they?”

The omega was quiet for a moment, and Joe noticed his eyes looked brighter. He wondered if it was some trick of the light. It was way past three already, so the sun would begin its descent soon. Joe could already feel a chill in the air, and Nicky probably felt it too, because he was using his free hand to rummage through Hana’s bag before pulling a blanket out for her. When Nicky spoke again, his voice was but a whisper.

“You’re a good person, Joe,” he said, arranging the blanket around Hana’s form. “Any ome- anyone would be so lucky to have you as a mate.”

Joe almost crushed what was left of his sandwich in his palm, trying to ignore his suddenly pounding heart. He wondered if Nicky could maybe hear it, and if he would judge him for it. He wanted to ask what exactly the omega meant by those words. Maybe he was just being polite and sparing Joe from any shame, but Joe quickly realised he couldn’t say anything because he wasn’t ready for the answer, no matter what it was. So he only offered Nicky a placating smile and changed the subject.

“How did you end up working in an orph–” Joe started, but his brain caught up with his tongue before he could finish that question. He looked up at Nicky with cold horror gripping at his soul. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked anything– fuck, you don’t have to answer, I’m such–”

The look of surprise on Nicky’s face, followed by the sound of his laugh was an immediate balm to Joe’s troubled soul. The omega’s eyes were alight. “Let me guess,” he said, with some mirth in his voice. “Nile put the fear of God in you?”

Joe felt his face grow hot. “... maybe.”

Nicky was openly smiling now. “She worries,” he shrugs. “You know she ran a background check on you? Nile can get very intense, but she’s a loyal friend.”

Joe couldn’t say he was surprised. The day they met, Nile mentioned she worked for a security firm so Joe just assumed she would at least check if his story was true before talking to Nicky about the job. Joe couldn’t say he would have done the same, but it wasn’t like he had many options for his predicament. Maybe he should be offended, but he couldn’t bring himself to, not when he got to have Nicky in Hana’s life. If the omega could nurse his niece without putting himself in danger, that was enough for Joe.

“There are things that happened,” Nicky said without meeting Joe’s eyes. “Things I’m not ready to talk about yet, but I’m working on them. You can ask questions, though,” he offered. “I’m at your place so many hours every day, with Hana, it’s only fair, I just– I can’t guarantee I will have all the answers you might want.”

Joe felt tongue-tied, but he nodded. He wondered before if Nicky suffered some trauma related to the lack of children and a spouse in his life. The omega had no visible bonding marks and there was no permanent scent on Nicky’s skin but his own and Hana’s, and faintly, maybe some of Nile and Joe’s scents mixed. Nicky had never mentioned another family, so Joe thought maybe he had a story similar to Younes’ and Matt’s. Maybe there was an accident, and Joe could understand not wanting to talk about that.

“You came here from Italy, right?” Joe said, not exactly a question. Nicky could just agree and not say anything else he didn’t want to.

“Yes, I came as a postulant, I was training to become a priest, you see–” Nicky bit his lower lip and Joe tried to not let his surprise show. That actually answered a few questions. “There’s a shortage of catholic priests here so I came to learn English and train so eventually I would be assigned to a parish in the countryside perhaps. During that time, I worked at Immaculate Heart of Mary Orphan’s Home...”

Joe nodded. “It must have been hard for you,” he said, instead of what he wanted to ask, which was why Nicky didn’t finish his training, why he didn’t become a priest. He was nursing now, so he must have been pregnant at some point, so what happened that made Nicky leave the religious life behind. “Do you miss that, working with kids?”

Nicky paused. “I can’t say I do, really.” He sounded crushed, and Joe wanted to kick himself in the face. “But I learned a lot. You see, I was an only child, my parents were estranged from their families and I wasn’t around many children while I grew up, so I had to learn everything in the orphanage. The staff tried to be patient, but there was always so much work to do–”

Joe listened in silence as the omega went on. “We had enough food, but those children were always starved, you know? For love, I mean. I took care of so many babies and learned how to keep them fed and clean, but they cried so easily once we had to put them back in their cots so we could care for the next one...” Nicky moved his arm so he could snuggle Hana closer to him. Joe thought he saw the omega shiver a little, but didn’t dare to interrupt him. “And then there was the moment when the older ones started to understand they weren’t wanted, and we tried to do our best, but–”

Nicky shook his head, visibly shivering now. “It’s just, there was never enough arms to hold them all, you know?”

It took every ounce of willpower from Joe to not move closer to Nicky. He knew what he would do then. He would press their bodies together as he embraced the omega as tightly as he could. Joe knew that was impossible, of course. Nicky worked for him. He shouldn’t make things any more complicated than that, but at the same time, Joe knew he couldn’t just stare back and watch as the omega seemed to crumble under the weight of past inadequacies.

Joe knew he didn’t have the words to comfort the omega, but maybe he could offer something else instead. He placed his half-eaten sandwich next to the rest of their food and began to remove his jacket. It was worn-out and a bit bigger on him, something Younes had found in a thrift shop many years ago and that had comforted Joe ever since.

Nicky was busy checking on Hana and he didn’t look up until Joe dropped the jacket over his shoulders. The omega looked confused for a moment, but also instinctively grabbed the fabric, pulling it closer, his nostrils flaring. Joe’s heart skipped a beat, his cheeks warm. He waited for Nicky to protest his gesture, but when the omega looked up, they stared at each other for a moment too long before Nicky smiled, offering him a quiet ‘Thank you’. Joe nodded and smiled back before he picked up his sandwich, determined to finish it this time.

Chapter Text

“Hello, Nicolò.”

Dr. Alder’s voice filled Nicky’s small room. Even through the pale laptop screen, his therapist sounded genuinely happy to see him, and the guilt about cancelling their previous appointments burned cold in his stomach. The idea that a virtual stranger could care for him for simply existing shouldn’t feel so foreign to him, given his previous career choice, and yet he couldn’t help those doubts. That was another thing Liam had broken in him, and Nicky knew he had to fix it. He wanted to.

It was hard, though, facing that side of himself, the one who’d lost faith and didn’t know how to go on without it.

Between nursing Hana and dealing with the brewing feelings about his charge and her guardian, Nicky had decided that the best course of action was to focus on the practical aspects of his life, things he could control: attending to Hana’s needs, donating milk to the bank, cooking, and keeping Nile’s flat tidy. Nicky even considered quitting therapy altogether, but Nile would know, and he didn’t want to see the disappointment on her face. Also, he knew, deep down, that he had made some progress, as small as it could feel sometimes.

‘Healing is a marathon, not a sprint,’ Dr Alder had said at their very first session, months ago now. Nicky had bit his tongue then, too conscious of his still fresh bruises, of his bleeding insides, and his sore and leaking chest.

Nicky didn’t know what exactly made him confirm today’s appointment, though he had a few suspicions. The worn-out jacket currently lying on the top of his small nest was a glaring issue he could no longer ignore. That was a practical thing, after all.

He knew he should have washed it and returned it to Joe a week ago. He might have been bound to priesthood most of his life, but he was not stupid. That jacket was no courting gift. Joe had merely seen his niece’s wet nurse shivering in cold and stepped in as any decent human being would have. The alpha couldn’t know how his simple gesture would cause Nicky to want to bare his neck and present himself.

Still, that feeling had shaken Nicky to his core. He thought that after Liam, after his loss, he wouldn’t be able to open his heart again, and yet–

“Nicky?”

“I’m sorry about–” hiding, he sighed as he stared back at Dr Alder. “So much happened over the last weeks.”

“I see,” she nodded, offering him a small smile. “Do you want to walk me through it?”

No, Nicky thought, but he forced himself to nod anyway. “I don’t know where to start…”

“Hmm, let’s see,” Dr. Alder said and picked up a small notebook. It had Nicky’s initials on a sticker on the cover. “Last time, we covered your arrival in England, also some about your work in the orphanage, and by the end of that session we were going to start on how you and Mr. Keane first met–”

“Liam.” Nicky did not plan to interrupt her, but the words spilled out of him like hot coffee on one’s fingers. “‘Just Liam’... that’s what he used to say. I called him ‘Mr. Keane’ at first, of course, that was the proper way, but he didn’t like it very much, he–”

Nicky swallowed dry. Liam didn’t care one bit about doing things the proper way. He didn’t care that Nicky was an unbounded omega on his way to priesthood. Liam had flirted openly, almost aggressively, and Nicky couldn’t help being fascinated by him. He dared to say he loved Liam for a while. During the first months of his pregnancy, at least.

“Are you comfortable talking about him?” Dr. Alder asked.

Nicky grimaced. He didn’t think he would ever feel comfortable talking about Liam. To anyone, really, but it’s not like he had managed to shut down the thoughts of him. Even after the bruises had faded from his arms, from the inside of his thighs, even after his ribs had healed... it was like the alpha had crawled under Nicky’s skin and wouldn’t ever leave. No, he didn’t want to talk about Liam, but maybe he should.

“The kids at the orphanage... they had many activities besides school and tidying after themselves. We had a herb garden and a patio, but still they had so much energy, so the administration set up a few deals with some youth centres–”

Nicky couldn’t look Dr. Alder in the eye, so he glanced to his side, to his small bed and his small nest. If he stretched out his hand, he could touch it, but he decided against it for now.

“Once I had been there for a year, they assigned me the 10-14 group, and a few times a week, I drove them to a centre in Whitechapel. They had football, rugby, basketball, even swimming. The kids loved it... so of course they loved me for taking them.”

The sting of that thought was an old one, but it still hurt. Nicky had almost forgotten about that. He felt compelled to say something else, to shift the focus away from that confession of inadequacy. Dr. Alder had had enough of that when they talked about his pregnancy over their first sessions.

“It was also a reprieve for the workers back at the orphanage, so yes, it was a win for everybody...”

Maybe not for me, Nicky thought but was able to bite the words down. If Dr. Alder noticed, she didn’t say anything.

“Did you take part in some of these activities, or were you just there to chaperone?” she asked after scribbling something in the notebook.

“Chaperone. I usually sat on the bleachers to keep an eye on them,” Nicky said, remembering the smell of the place, a mix of chalk, sweat, and wood. “I spent many of those afternoons studying for my final exams, which I was supposed to take later that year...”

He sighed. He thought about this guessing game he used to play. Where would I be now? If I had made just one different decision... where would I be sitting right now?

Definitely not here, Nicky thought, but there was no use playing or avoiding what would come next.

“One day, they put up this poster for defence classes in the centre board, and the kids got really excited, they all wanted to try it... they thought it was going to be just like in the movies.”

Nicky paused, wondering, not for the first time, if the children were okay. If they missed him. After finding out he had become pregnant, the orphanage director wouldn’t even allow him to say goodbye to them.

‘You must understand, Nicolò,’ sister Valerie had said, her face hard as stone, her voice like a slap. ‘We appreciate all the work you have done here, but you have chosen a different path, and these kids have gone through so much in their little lives already. While they are under my care, it’s my responsibility that they aren’t exposed to any untoward behaviour...’

“That’s how you met Liam?” Dr. Alder asked, pulling Nicolò from his thoughts. He resisted the urge to thank her. “Through these defence classes?”

“Liam had been recently transferred, and I went to talk to him about the kids’ situation before they could enrol in his class, and he–”

If Nicky closed his eyes, he thought he could still remember being in front of the alpha for the very first time. That memory was still so raw he could feel it down to his bones. Liam’s sharp smile, the way he held himself, how strongly he shook Nicky’s hand, and the way his fingers lingered around Nicky’s wrist for a moment longer before letting him go.

“He was very supportive,” Nicky said instead. “He even offered to find uniforms for the kids to wear to his classes, and the next week he had got one for each, mostly hand-me-downs, yes, but they were all good and...”

Nicky took a deep breath, not sure what kind of emotion that next particular memory brought on him. Maybe a bit of fear, excitement, and, yes, disgust.

“Liam asked me to his office before the first class and said he got one uniform for me as well. I tried to explain I was just there to make sure the kids behaved themselves, that I wouldn’t want to get in the way, but he didn’t–”

‘I'm not supposed to’, Nicky remembered himself saying, the sturdy fabric of the uniform rough in his hands.

‘Come on,’ Liam replied, smile open and teasing. ‘I know the kids will love it and besides... I really could use an assistant.’

“He said he would help me to put it on.” Nicky’s tongue was dry, and he cursed himself for not getting a glass of water before the session started. “I think I said I could manage it by myself, and it was only when I put on the jacket that I realised that the uniform must have been his. His scent was a little faint, but it was there... when I asked, he admitted it, said that one was old but clean, that it didn’t fit him anymore, and then he looked me over and said–”

‘The belt,’ Liam had smirked and took a step closer, and Nicky shivered as he remembered how breathless he felt the moment Liam’s hands got too close to his waist. ‘Here, let me…’ he had continued, and Nicky couldn’t breathe as he had watched the alpha undo his white belt, talking through the whole process until he had arranged it to his liking. ‘There, perfect.’

“At this point, did Liam know you were an omega?” Dr. Alder asked, and Nicky knew that was a fair question. Even now, he didn’t really look like an omega. Pregnancy had softened some of his body but not much, and not where most people could see. Unless you could scent him, he could pass for a beta or even an alpha. He was still too tall, too broad.

“I thought he didn’t, that’s why I didn’t say anything at first.” Nicky's face grew hot. “I thought I’d embarrass him, and I didn't want to make things awkward. I was on suppressants since I presented, so my scent was very mild back then. I thought he just assumed I was a beta, but–”

“During the first half of that class, he didn’t touch me again, he had everyone do warm-ups and then started teaching the kids how to fall and roll without injuring themselves.”

Nicky couldn’t help blushing at the memory. The way the alpha had moved Nicky’s body into the proper position so the kids could mimic, it had been a simple one, but Nicky remembered feeling each touch like bolts of electricity, Liam’s hands on his arms and shoulders until the alpha had kneeled so he could arrange Nicky’s feet before announcing he would teach the kids how to defend themselves from an attack. Nicky had tried to follow his instructions and found himself lying flat on the tatami mat before he could blink. There had been a round of applause from the kids, and he had wondered if the breathlessness he had felt was because of his lungs pressing against his ribs or the way Liam had been smiling proudly at him from above.

“At the end of that class, I went to thank him for giving the kids a chance, and I decided to say what I was, just to avoid any misunderstandings,” Nicky explained. “I worried he could be seeing someone who wouldn’t appreciate Liam smelling like some random omega.”

‘Oh, baby, I know what you are. I knew it the first time you stood in front of me,’ Liam had replied then, his nostrils flared, eyes dark. ‘Only a bloody idiot would miss it.’

“And how did that make you feel?” Dr. Alder asked.

Nicky paused. He remembered thinking back then about this museum trip he had accompanied the kids on maybe a month before that first class. Katie had stayed behind, and Nicky went to retrieve her and found the little girl staring at this display of preserved butterflies. She hadn’t even noticed Nicky approaching so she almost jumped at the sound of his voice. And as he stood in front of Liam that day, Nicky caught himself remembering those butterflies, pierced and pinned, being stared at, unable to move.

“It made me feel special,” Nicky admitted after a minute. “Like something exotic. And I couldn’t help thinking ‘well, he must be a very fine alpha for noticing something most people miss’, and maybe–”

Maybe I thought we were meant to be...

Nicky flinched at that idea. He had always believed in destiny, in fate, and he could see how naïve he had been, how much it had cost him. He shook his head, deciding to continue before he lost his nerve.

“The kids had classes two times per week, so we saw each other often. The lessons soon became more... intense. I–” Nicky felt his cheeks grow warm, but he didn’t struggle to get the next words out. “I told myself it was fine, that he shouldn’t treat me any differently for being an omega, and when he– every time he had me on the ground, or when he taught the class how to free themselves from someone holding them from behind... I liked it, having him holding me.”

Dr. Alder offered him a smile Nicky didn’t think he deserved, but he took it as his cue to continue.

“He was so great with the kids, he made jokes as he corrected their posture and taught them how to roll and jump,” Nicky sighed. “Very soon, Liam became their favourite teacher, and I thought–”

The memory bloomed in Nicky’s mind, and he was back to the tatami mat, watching little James tackle Peter to the ground, his movements fluid, almost effortless, and then Liam bursting into frame, cheering the boy on. The way Peter’s round face beamed at his praise. Peter had been at the orphanage for six months then, and Nicky couldn’t remember ever seeing that boy smile. At the moment, he could have kissed Liam.

“And I said to myself: he is going to be a great father.”

Nicky lowered his head then, unable to look Dr. Alder in the eyes after admitting that aloud. He had somehow managed to bury that particular memory, but it was clear now. He had brought everything upon himself. Liam and he hadn’t done anything at that point, and yet Nicky had been casting him into a role. Maybe people had been right– sister Valerie who thought his behaviour shameful, Liam’s friends who told him that Nicky was a harlot who wanted to trap a good man into a miserable life, so maybe, maybe Nicky–

“Nicolò? Nicky?” Dr. Alder's voice sounded a little desperate when he finally registered her presence again.

“Sorry,” he said, blinking and looking up for a moment before casting his eyes down again. “Sorry, Dr. Alder, I just–”

“You can call me Celeste, if you want,” she said. Her face was soft, but her eyes seemed confused. Still, Nicky appreciated her offer, even if he didn’t plan to take her up on it. “Do you want to continue? We still have time.”

Nicky took a deep breath and nodded. He wanted to get this over with. If he stopped now, he probably wouldn’t be able to bring himself to talk about how things started anytime soon.

“Yes,” he nodded. “I’m fine.”

Dr. Alder was still staring at him, and Nicky couldn’t help thinking how terribly young she looked. Her lipstick was dark blue, and she wore some purple eyeshadow and had piercings in her nose and eyebrows. She was not at all what he had expected from a therapist before meeting her for the first time. Still, Dr. Alder came highly recommended, and Nicky couldn’t help feeling comfortable around her.

She smiled at him before checking her notebook one more time. “How long until things began to shift between the two of you?”

Nicky had to think for a moment. “A few weeks.”

“And did you have any interaction outside the classes?”

“He emailed me a couple of times.”

“He what?” Dr. Alder raised a pierced eyebrow.

“I didn't have a cellphone, we aren't allowed personal items like that. Besides, the orphanage would always lend me an old one for emergencies when I took the kids outside... I did have an email account though, they set it up for me so I could contact people about donations and events. Liam found out about it.”

“Do you know how?”

Nicky paused. He had always assumed Liam had gotten it from the information sheet Nicky had to fill out for the kids to take his classes, but now he wasn’t so sure. “I probably told him... but in any case, it wasn’t a secret, if he had called the orphanage, they would have given it to him.”

“And what was it you two mailed about?”

“Nothing special.” Nicky shrugged. “I think his first email was just asking for my focaccia recipe? I made a batch for the kids to have lunch after one of his classes, and Liam tried it and said it was better than the one he bought at his local bakery...”

The memory of that particular praise rattled Nicky still. He had always been proud of his cooking. Being able to feed others and make them happy was something he never got anywhere else. Nursing Hana had a similar effect on him, and he had been trying to take pride in that too.

He frowned at that thought. At that moment, he realised Joe hadn’t tasted his cooking yet. Of course, Joe often ordered takeout, and Nicky usually had dinner with Nile so it wasn’t like he had dodged many opportunities or anything. But still, something didn’t sit right with him about that knowledge. He shelved that uneasiness to be dealt with another time. Dr. Alder wasn’t done with him.

“How did things start to get more personal between you and Liam?”

Nicky reached for his nest without realising it. It was easy, after all the bed was almost glued to the computer desk. He buried his hand under a pillow and took a deep breath before speaking.

“One of the kids got hurt during practice,” he said. “I was used to dealing with scraps and bruises, of course, but one day, Katie fell over her arm, and she started to scream in pain and I– I panicked. I had another eight kids under my care, and I simply froze, I didn’t–”

The agony of the little girl’s cries was still embedded in the fabric of Nicky’s memory, and he almost felt himself flinching in the silence of his room.

“I couldn’t move, and Liam stepped in. He called an ambulance and then volunteered to drive the rest of the kids home while I rode with Katie to the hospital. She was fine, she didn’t break anything, but they had to immobilise her arm to be safe, so we ended up staying there for a few hours. And when they discharged her, before I could even worry about hailing a cab, I found Liam waiting for us in the lobby.”

Nicky smiled despite everything. It had been a warm day, but the night had been chilly, and Katie had only her uniform. Then when Nicky had looked up, there was Liam holding her jacket and asking if they were hungry.

“We had fish and chips near the river,” Nicky said and resisted the urge to close his eyes. He could almost taste salt and vinegar on his tongue. “Katie was so happy to have the full attention of two adults that she got food all over her clothes... she fell asleep during the ride home, and Liam offered to carry her upstairs.”

Nicky couldn’t help shivering at that particular memory. How careful the alpha was with that little girl in contrast with how painful his hands felt on Nicky the last time they had been in the same room together.

“Some of the cleaning staff saw him, and a week later, they were still talking about how strong that ‘handsome alpha’ was...”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Nicky blinked. “How did what make me feel?”

“Seeing other people attracted to Liam?”

“Oh.” Nicky considered the question for a moment. “I knew Liam was an attractive man, yes. At that time, I assumed he was seeing someone, so I just thought the staff would be very disappointed once they found out... I know that in retrospect, it might look like I was pining after him, but I had no plans to leave the church, so I didn’t even consider it to be a possibility until, well, until it happened.”

Dr. Alder didn’t ask for any clarification on what “it” meant, but Nicky thought it was quite obvious.

“As a thank-you for helping with Katie and the kids, I baked Liam a tray of focaccia...”

It was one of his best ones. Nicky had made it with cherry tomatoes and black olives, and he had timed it so it was still warm when he had arrived at the youth centre. Liam had been typing on the old computer in his office and his whole face had lit up when he saw Nicky at the door. He remembered the way Liam’s nostrils had flared as the smell of fresh bread had filled the small room.

‘You didn't have to,’ Liam had said as he had accepted the tray with one hand, but he had immediately uncovered it and torn off a piece of the bread, devouring it before he asked Nicky about the kids.

“When I told him they were good and that they were back at the orphanage, his face changed–”

‘So they let you out on your own?’ Liam had asked, and Nicky remembered feeling his heart flutter at his words, smelling something in the air that wasn’t the focaccia at all.

‘It’s my day off,’ Nicky had admitted then, hugging himself, not knowing what else to say or where to put his hands now that he had done what he had set out to do.

“Was that the first time you two were alone?” Dr. Alder asked.

“Yes,” Nicky nodded. “Before, even when we talked in his office, some of the kids were always around, but that time, there wasn’t anyone there but us.”

“And how did that make you feel? To be alone with him?”

Nicky reached for his nest again, resisting the urge to close his eyes as his fingers brushed a piece of soft, worn-out fabric.

“I was, well, I was nervous because Liam kept staring at me without saying anything, like he was waiting for me to do something?” Nicky sighed. “I thought maybe I had said something wrong when he suddenly covered the tray and said his shift was ending soon–”

‘I caught you right on time, then,’ Nicky had said, trying to smile despite his shaky hands.

‘You know, my flat is nearby,’ Liam had replied, his smirk never faltering. ‘Can I offer you something to drink? We can share this.’

“I remember being confused at first. I think I said something like ‘but I made it for you’, and he laughed and said if he ate that whole tray by himself he would get fat and lose his job...” Nicky shook his head. “Back home it’s not unusual for people to go to other people’s homes at such short notice, and he had been helping with the kids so much... he was no stranger, so I went.”

Dr. Alder nodded as she made another note.

“Nothing happened at first,” Nicky clarified, not really surprised by how defensive he sounded. “He made me tea and had a beer for himself, and we ate the focaccia with some butter while he told me about growing up near the coast, how he decided to pack his things and leave when he felt his old town was too small for him.”

‘It seems you came to the right place,’ Nicky had said as he took notice of his empty teacup, wondering what time it was. London traffic could get very intense, and he had thought he should leave soon if he wanted to make it in time for his weekly confession. That was when he had looked up and saw Liam staring intently in his direction. And before he could ask if he had breadcrumbs on his face, Liam had leaned in and kissed him.

“It hurt my mouth, after, I mean, he had a stubble, and I could feel my lips tingling after I ran away–”

“You ran?”

Nicky nodded but knew that wasn’t an accurate description. It had been a surprise, yes, but he was in his right mind when it had happened. He remembered the kiss. “I tried to pull away when I realised what was happening, but he put a hand on my shoulder, and I–”

When Nicky had felt Liam’s tongue in his mouth, he had closed his eyes and let it happen. He hadn’t wanted to admit it at first, but he knew he had enjoyed it. He could barely remember his first kiss with this boy back home on a dare, so being kissed as an adult by such a handsome alpha had felt special.

“I don’t know how long it lasted,” Nicky admitted, his face now a bit too warm, and he squeezed that piece of soft fabric in his hand. “At some point, he let go of my shoulder, and I felt him brushing his fingers here, on my scent gland.” Nicky could almost feel it still, the ghost-touch against his neck. “I snapped and I pushed him off. I ran away. I left the tray behind, and I just rushed downstairs. His flat was on the fourth floor, and there was no elevator, but I barely felt it...”

Nicky chuckled darkly. He would count each and every one of those steps months later, when he had grown large and heavy and had no longer been able to hide his shame as his bump became visible even under his baggy clothes, his ankles swollen, and his heart shattered.

“I confessed everything to my priest that night,” Nicky said, remembering Father Thomas’ words to him.

‘What a foolish thing to do, to be alone with an unbound alpha? A nice young omega like yourself.’ The old man had sounded tired and disappointed but not angry, and somehow that made Nicky feel even worse. The priest had ordered Nicky to pray the Act of Contrition on his knees and advised him to stay away from Liam. ‘Your natural urges may feel stronger than your immortal spirit, so best to avoid temptation altogether, son.’

“Another postulant took my place as the kids’ chaperone, and I went to work at the kitchens... for a week or two it felt like things would go back to normal,” Nicky said. “Then, one day, one of the kids came back from the youth centre and brought me a note, saying their teacher told them to give it to me. Even before I opened it, I knew it was Liam’s, his scent was all over it.”

There were just three words on the piece of paper: check your e-mail.

“He probably didn’t trust the kids to not read the note, so he wrote me a long e-mail saying he was sorry about his behaviour and how he respected my choices, but he got carried away. He said he hoped that I hadn’t gotten in trouble for it. Said he was worried I would be punished for what he did, and he went on about wanting to see me again so he could apologise properly...”

“Did you reply?”

“I deleted the message right after I read it... but then I woke up at the crack of dawn and sneaked to the computer so I could retrieve it from the trash.”

Nicky didn’t know at the time, but he had already entered his heat then. Since presenting, he had controlled them with the help of suppressants, and while the drugs didn’t cease his heats completely, it made things manageable, so Nicky never knew what had gone wrong that time. If it was only a coincidence that after all those years, his body had finally built some sort of resistance to the drugs or if being around Liam had triggered his hormones in a different way.

“Maybe it was both, it doesn’t matter,” Nicky said, shrugging and looking down at his keyboard so he wouldn’t have to see Dr. Alder’s reaction to what would come next. “Two days later, I had a fever, and I just, I considered locking myself in my room, but I was afraid I could set some of the older kids off– a couple of them had presented as alphas recently–, and, of course, I could have asked sister Valerie to send me to a hospital, but when I came to myself, I was knocking on Liam’s door in the middle of the night. I didn’t pack or change what I was wearing, I just went to him...”

‘You are burning up,’ Liam had breathed when Nicky threw himself into his arms, panting and shivering with all the effort it took him to get there. ‘God, baby, your scent–’

“I asked Liam if he could get me some stronger suppressants, and he said yes, told me I should take a cold shower to lower my temperature while he went to the pharmacy, but when he came back–”

Nicky’s mind had been already too foggy then, but Liam had told him everything in excruciating detail later, after his heat had ended.

“He came home, and the shower was still on, but I wasn’t there... I somehow got to his bedroom and there was where he found me, naked on his bed, presenting as if–” Nicky’s tongue was as dry as sandpaper, and it felt harder to get the words out. “No wonder he couldn’t help himself, so he just, I mean, we–”

Nicky shivered. It was quite obvious what happened then, he didn’t need to go into detail. He didn’t need to burden his therapist by telling her how he had begged to be fucked and bred until he could no longer walk. He didn’t have to tell Dr. Alder how Liam had enjoyed making Nicky blush by talking about how loud he had been during that first night, how some of the neighbours had complained about the noise, how Nicky had moaned and squeezed his knot, how Nicky had asked Liam to take him in every possible position...

“Nicky? Can you look at me?” Dr. Alder asked sometime after Nicky stopped talking. It took all his willpower to obey, though he kept staring at some point past her head. “Do you want to pause for today?”

“Are we out of time?”

“No, no... we still have a few minutes.”

“So I would like to finish it, I–” he said, feeling rather empty. “I think it’s best if I get this over with, I don’t think I want to talk about this again, anytime soon.”

Dr Alder nodded and picked her notebook back. “Of course.”

“I was away for three days, but Liam called the orphanage and told them he had taken me to a hospital. He thought they believed him. When my fever broke, he said I could go back to ‘my church’ if I wanted.” Nicky remembered sitting alone in the middle of Liam’s bed, wearing Liam’s shirt and hugging himself, feeling rather cold after days of ongoing heat. “I was confused, I didn’t know what I wanted or what I should do, so I went back to the orphanage. They didn’t ask any questions at first, but after a couple of weeks, sister Valerie summoned me to her office, and she had this little pink box on the table in front of her...”

‘You do know you’re pregnant?’ sister Valerie had asked, and it was like the polished wooden floor had suddenly melted under Nicky’s feet.

He had known she was right, but he had buried that possibility so deep down that hearing that word felt like a punch. It was only when she had asked him to take the pregnancy test from the box and use the bathroom next door that he understood his life wouldn’t ever go back to what it had been.

“She won’t even let me go to my room to pack my things. She asked one of the sisters to do it, then she told me to leave through the backdoor, the one that led to the dustbins, so the kids wouldn’t see me. She walked me out and asked if I wanted her to call a cab to take me to my alpha’s...”

Liam hadn’t looked too thrilled when Nicky had showed up at his door carrying his small bag, but he hadn’t looked particularly surprised either.

“But he let me stay,” Nicky said, thinking about how Liam hadn’t touched him for that first week, sleeping on the couch while insisting Nicky take his bed, but how eventually Nicky had caved, maybe because it had felt like he had to, maybe because he had felt lonely, but in the end, he had caved and asked Liam to join him in the bed. “He let me stay.”

Dr. Alder looked very sombre as she ended their session and gave Nicky some ‘homework’, as she called it. She asked if he still had access to his old email account, and if he would consider tracking down Liam’s emails in order to re-read them.

“It might be good to revisit an aspect of your relationship that you have some control of, and you can decide if you want to keep those messages or to delete them for good this time,” she had explained before they agreed on a time for their next appointment.

Nicky had considered showering and going straight to bed, but once he turned off the computer, he realised the piece of fabric he had been squeezing during most of the session had been Joe’s jacket, and a bitter guilt engulfed his heart in a way that surprised him, so he immediately got up to wash it as he should have done days ago.

Once Nicky had hung it out to dry, he felt his chest full again, and for a moment, he considered knocking on the door down the corridor to nurse Hana but quickly decided he couldn’t cope being in the same room as Joe after spending an hour with Liam’s name in his mind and on his tongue. So instead, he set up the pumping machine and extracted a bottle for the milk bank.

Nicky had just finished it when Nile called his name from the kitchen, saying Moose was with her. Nicky wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but he didn’t want Nile to worry, so he went out to greet them.

“You look hungry.” Nile offered him a smile as she opened a huge paper bag filled with boxes of Chinese food. “Here, come on. Moose grab the plates, they are over there. Nicky, you remember Moose, right? He finally admitted I was right about that case I told you about, can you–”

It was easy to eat and nod along while Nile and Moose’s banter filled the kitchen. For close to an hour, Nicky almost forgot about his worries, too focused on eating and then trying to follow Nile’s office gossip. He noticed how Moose avoided looking directly at him and wondered what Nile had told the man about him. Moose was a beta, so Nicky’s presence shouldn’t set him off or anything, but still, Nicky knew he was an oddity and people got curious about him.

When Nile suggested they should watch a movie, Nicky took it as his cue to leave. “I have an early morning, Hana has a doctor’s appointment, I should go to bed.”

Nile nodded with a smile, pulling Moose by his wrist, and even before Nicky left the kitchen, the two of them were already cuddled together on the sofa, the TV the only light in the living room. Nicky smiled at the sight and efficiently threw the empty food boxes away and put the leftovers in the fridge, before filling up the dishwasher. He took a quick shower, lowering the water’s temperature when some intrusive memories of Liam’s hands on him during his heat tried to pierce through his mind.

Once he was alone in his bedroom again, he stared at his unmade nest, clearly missing something, his chest aching from something else. He realised he wouldn’t sleep now even if he tried, and his eyes fell on the laptop on the little table next to the bed. It had been Nile’s, an old model she had used to write her whole dissertation, but she had passed it to him to use since she had bought a new, faster one.

It took Nicky a few tries to get into his old email account. He almost gave up when the fourth attempt finally worked, and slowly a familiar layout filled his laptop screen. There were over three hundred unread emails, and a glance revealed that most of them were spam, church newsletters and advertisements. He began to select a few in a row to clean things up when a familiar name popped up amid that mass of messages.

From: L. C. Keane
To: Nicolò di Genova
Subject: made a new friend?

The message was sent two weeks before and there was nothing written inside it, except for a picture attached.

Nicky’s hands started shaking as he hovered over the touchpad, thinking he should leave it where it was and go get Nile so she could take the laptop to be checked. Maybe that picture wasn’t really a picture but some virus, and that would be the best possibly option, because Nicky couldn’t bring himself to move, his mind bringing up that afternoon he, Joe, and Hana had spent in the park, remembering how good it was to have Hana in his arms, how easy it had been to talk to Joe about his past, how his chest and face had warmed at the feeling of Joe lowering his jacket onto his shoulders...

Nicky clicked on the picture icon before he could change his mind, and his heart began beating so fast he could almost feel it in his fingertips. A blurry photograph slowly filled up the screen, and it took Nicky a moment to take in the scene before him.

It wasn’t the day in the park with Joe and Hana. The photograph was quite dark, it was taken indoors at a weird angle, and Nicky almost cried in sick relief as he recognised himself in a familiar pub, with Sébastien sitting across from him, his hand squeezing Nicky’s shoulder.