Archive of Our Own ^beta

Despite the large increase in Childe content within the past few fics, Childe chose this chapter to be the focus once more, and ended up getting himself arrested like the little shit he is.

“Maaan this kinda sucksss,” Childe said from his location in the Production ZoneTM.

“Mood,” Sigewinne said. “But your stupid little self needed more credits after you spent them all on that payphone.”

“No, so true tho, ‘cause that was ridiculously expensive. And yet the internet is better down here than in my bedroom, how’d that end up possible?” Childe questioned, fiddling with his brioche.

“No cap bro, Wriothesley bought like 50 Wifi routers and each has a different plan so he could test out which was better. We’re running on Mint Moble in the Production ZoneTM. He also has approximately 40 in his office so he can livestream tea slurping ASMRs with Clorinde,” Sigewinne decided to say.

“Damn that’s kind of cray cray.” Childe heaved up the metal thingy and bashed it back down into the hole, spurting all kinds of liquids out of the pistons in the process. It started over heating so he whipped out the chocolate milk and fed it until it was cool again. Damn that arc was so agonizing.

“Anyway, what’d you use that payphone for?” Sigewinne asked curiously, slurping her blood. All vampires needed sustenance, after all.

“Just went on my groupchat and texted my squad to come break me out,” Childe admitted.

“Ah ok cool anyway looks like you’re in pretty good physical condition, but I’ll refer you to Therapist Bennett for the mental side of the coin,” Sigewinne diagnosed.

“Thanks little human-melusine hybrid thingy girl,” Childe thanked sincerely.

—

Groupchat - Tarts, JohnLee, Cnave, + 7 more.

Tarts: ueah so im in jail lmao texting from the payphone come break me out xx

Tu How: no problem we re otw ☆:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:☆

Doktor: no we’re not let him rot

VenAqui: who are these ppl ?! hi! im Mondstadt’s archon Venti the Bard ＼(≧▽≦)／

Tu How: kaomoji twins ｡++.。x+。(´ω｀*)♪♪

Kachiao: plz what is happening

VenAqui: Xiaoooo bbg gimme a smootch

Kachiao: ew.

Tu How: get absolutely demolished (¯▿¯)

VenAqui: :cries:

QueueChi: not the discord

Tu How: ikr qiqi venvens such a loser

VenAqui: (￣ε(#￣) you wound me taotao

John Lee: Childe, are you certain there is no legal way to accomplish such an action?

VenAqui: gramps out here w the renaisanse sentence structure💃💃

Tarts: yeah lmao anyway my times up, depending on you gays fr byeee

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): gm who is this

Tu How: hi ganyouuu! Child just asked us to break him out of french jail lmao

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): thanks for the recap, you truly are galling

Tu How: aw thxxx
Tu How: wait wassat mean ? ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

Kachiao: dw abt it

Doktor: why am I here I am literally a harbinger

Cnave: same wtf

VenAqui: wHAT do u no that bitch sinora? (╬ಠ益ಠ)

John Lee: I imagine Childe invited all who he could rely upon to help him escape imprisonment into this chat of the group sort

Cnave: pls who let this oaf in here

Tu How: OAF IM DYING

VenAqui: BAAAHHAAH

Kachaio: that’s so unfunny pls kys

VenAqui: shiao said pls he loves me fr

Tu How: get your mans (*¯ ³¯*)♡

Line-y: Father you’re here too??

Cnave: Lyney wth how does childe know you

Ayetheeyarrr: thru me and pimon obv

Line-y: traveler!!! ;)))9

Tu How: !!!GREAT IDEA ALLWERT!!!! (人ゝω・）(((o(*°▽°*)o)))

Furry-nah: go ahead and preach sis

VenAqui: nahhh what focalor doin up in here ?? 🤨🤨🧐

Tu How: we should all totally get tgthr and plan to brock child outta jail ヾ(*ㅿ*๑)ﾂ

VenAqui: “brock”en 🥀⛓

John Lee: I agree with this Tu How person. Clearly Childe must be in great distress to call together a council of such… interesting people.

Tu How: its me hu tao, silly!
Tu How: wait, did u just say we re his last resoart (;´д｀) ??

Furry-nah: it hurts me so 🥀⛓

Cnave: pls dont gather this chaotic ass group I’ve already got spies on the mission rn relax your insolent selves and go back to sleep

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): gladly.

FrM&ms: yeah idek whats happenngn
FrM&ms: Sorry about my grammar, I was texting from approximately 800 feet bellow the surface.

Line-y: damn freminay how you swim to the surface between the first text and the second that’s a record

FrM&ms: Cryo

VenAqui: ANYWAY everyone we should TOTALLy meet up!! ☆ ～('▽^人)

So the power team assembled in some backstreet pub along a deep dank alley under the Fourt of Containe, in the sewers.

“So, our primary goal should be to locate a way to communicate with him,” Zhongli decided.

“Covered,” Arlecchino announced. “We’re got quite the spy ring. Tho I could totes sent Lyney Lynette and Freminet down there just so we can be more plot accurate?”

“Sure, sounds good,” Zhongli agreed. “Next we need a real plan, of which we must organize with Childe himself.”

“I say I just put a good word in for him to Neuvi who’ll tell Wrio and then boom he’s free,” Furina offered.

“Mmm no,” Venti said. “My fellow archons, how about I propose a plan?”

“No thanksss,” Furina sang.

“Stfu. Anyway, I think we should send Traveler under bc he’s like totally wacky and strange,” Venti proposed.

“Swag, I’m down,” Aether said from where he was playing TCG casually against a raging Lyney.

“Take this. Kazuha uses his skill which then auto-transfers to Childe, but I used that one card earlier to allow for more plays this round after switches so I’ll use Childe’s burst thingy and then it’ll auto bring me over to Keqing because I used her skill earlier too and it’s still my turn after using another one of those cards so I’ll use Keqing’s burst and BOOM electrocharged plus mass— WHEN DID YOU GET THAT SHIELD??” Lyney slammed his hands down on the table. “Did I just… did I just die because of the BURNING SUMMON???”

Paimon started laughing her ass off as Lyney needed to be calmed by Lynette before he blew up their nice lil sewer spot.

“Alright, children, why don’t we focus on the matter at hand?” Ganyu decided.

“No,” Aether said. “It’s already solved. I’ll just dip down there and yoink Childe out of his cell.”

“Dude it’s a high security prison XD,” Hu Tao laughed.

Meanwhile, Qiqi was sitting in Zhongli’s baby chest carrier, quietly dubbing all strands of Zhongli’s nose hair after different Britsh Prime Ministers, though she decided to be rebellious and named one single hair after Xi Jing Ping. She cackled evilly.

Venti and Hu Tao started a contest; they tried to say kaomojis out loud. It proved quite difficult. Freminet was hiding in the corner in his cocoon. The harbingers + Zhongli were actually coming up with a plot, while Furina spun around on an armadillo.

It took a few hours but eventually they got a plan.

They’d hire Sayu, the ninja from Inazuma, to sneak in behind Furina, who’d pretend to be doing an average visit. They had communicated with Childe to meet up in the abandoned Production ZoneTM and were ready to blow up the wall and swim to the surface with Furina’s archon powers to help, also with Childe’s swimming skills and Freminet diving (what could go wrong?) while Venti brought air with him so they could all breathe.

Traveler and the Lyney siblings were there for plot purposes and emotional support. Or emotional wreckage idk. Someone will probs die.

So now we flip to the epic trio of Chlorine, Wriothescheseckscshire, and Neuvilette the Aeioudex.

Swag government lords:

WrioTheSlay: they no smth fr

Cl: for sure. no doubt that the use of a payphone within the fortress was childe’s doing

NeuviLetDown: We must get to the bottom of this. There are no payphones in the Fortress.

WrioTheSlay: mmmmm abt that haha

NeuviLetDown: Wriothesley…

WrioTheSlay: ya so Sige rlly wanted to call her cousin on the surface so i gave her 1 and she’s been selling it out to her frens lmao

Cl: Wth man

WrioTheSlay: heeeyyy don’t km pls

Cl: I am approaching at exponential speeds. You can run but you can not hide.

WrioTheSlay: i had no idea we were so strict abt the no communication with overworld ruel lmao i mean were talking rn

Cl: that’s true actually how are you doing this??

WrioTheSlay: im contacting you through sending different pulses in my heart rate where an outside source then translates them into Fontainian, then i get your messages by using a prisoner’s time stopping ability to quickly stop time and receive messages before anyone notices im gone

Cl: wrio that’s literally the plot for BSD

WrioTheSlay: …no

NeuviLetDown: …

WrioTheSlay: fine jeez okay im using the payphone

Cl: you hypocrite. You’re basically childe-level stupid

WrioTheSlay: my feelings. ow. the agony.

Cl: Neu pls get your mans🙏I think he should be in a cell instead of running the place

WrioTheSlay: bc i was just thinking maybe i should fight convicted ppl instead of u

Cl: bitch even paimon could beat your weak ass

WrioTheSlay: neuv are you hearing this???

NeuviLetDown: Wriothesley is the most overqualified Duke we have within the borders of Teyvat. He both commands respect and order in an order-less place. I believe he is the only human capable of such a position.

WrioTheSlay: dam who cutting onions

Cl: tell me you’re not crying because Neuvillette complimented you through a silly goofy groupchat

WrioTheSlay: i never get appreshiated ok?

Cl: …please consider attending kindergarten

WrioTheSlay: ANYWAY back to the task at hand
WrioTheSlay: I think we need to investigate wtv that weird visit furina is planning to the 4tress cuz she nvr comes down here

Cl: I have to admit, it is suspicious
Cl: so you handle it while I go duel a criminal

WrioTheSlay: actually I have some tea to drink so brb

Cl: weren’t you just saying it was kinda urgent?

WrioTheSlay: i have prioriteas

NeuviLetDown: Wriothesley, please refrain from making puns in this highly sophisticated professional group chat.

WrioTheSlay: …

NeuviLetDown: I will cancel funding to your Fortnite Battle Pass.

Cl: damn wrio you better get back on his good side

WrioTheSlay: please i need my vbux Neuvi i swear i’ll do anything

Cl: give him a lil smooch

WrioTheSlay: okay!

NeuviLetDown: Perhaps another time. For now, please refrain from making puns and get to the bottom of this investigation. I will do all I can to figure out Furina’s motives, and I expect the two of you to work together on your side to ensure the safety of the prisoners and citizens. Wriothesley, do that, and you can have your electronic currency.

Cl: “perhaps another time” wdym, Neu??
Cl: trying to get a bit fruity with the dukey?

WrioTheSlay: omg plz dont call me that

NeuviLetDown: A site called Urban Dictionary says such a term as ‘dukey’ means “A really big and messy shit. It will usually make the whole bathroom smell like shit for 1-3 days.”
NeuviLetDown: Wriothesley. What is Clorinde implying? Do you eat fruit on the toilet and then poop it all out?

WrioTheSlay: Neuvi i literally kno ur not this dense

NeuviLetDown: Nevertheless, it amuses me to see you squirm.

Cl: just get married already???

And so the government team investigates an investigation. Neuvi observed Furina’s diary one night, but she failed to conveniently log anything besides recipes for new frogs for the past seconds of her life. Wrio is waiting at the gate for Furina and carefully watched her as she pretends to have a ‘routine check-up’ on the place. Clori just kinda sits at the beach bc she is too cool for those hooligans.

Wriothesley was going abt his day, keeping an eye on Furina who’d been sneaking around on her tippie toes unironically, when he saw something strange. Is that…. SONIC? No, no, it’s purple… but it keeps rolling around??

Turns out it was Qiqi. They’d planned to hire Sayu for sneaking along behind Furina but they have a budget so they got Qiqi instead.

Wriothesley, the gentleman with a natural affinity towards adopting tiny children, left Furina to deal with the gum on her shoe and approached the fake ninja.

“Guten tag,” he said in a German accent.

“AH!” Qiqi’s brain exclaimed, but she was silent outside. “I am the ninja Qiqi.”

“Hi, Qiqi,” Wrio grinned. “Would you like some tea?”

“Cocogoat milk?” she cocked her head.

“No, Qiqi, you’re supposed to be a spy, don’t talk to him!” Furina yelled dramatically.

“But milk…” Qiqi sighed.

“Get your ass together, discount-Sayu! You’ve gotta sneak to Childe’s cell and tell him to meet up in the Abandoned Production Zone where we’ll be ready to blow up the wall and escape with both my and Venti and Freminet’s help!” Furina exclaimed angrily.

“Okay,” Qiqi yawned.

Meanwhile, Wriothesley heard all of that but was too lazy to type it all out for the group chat so he didn’t. Then he forgot because he saw a shiny coin. He picked up the coin.

It was a Russian ruble worth ten cents or like one Euro. He observed it. Old, cracking along the edges, as if someone had just found it down a sewer and traveled with it for minutes, reaching Mondstadt’s obituary.

There, he suspected the coin must have been squashed into a cylinder and flown to Liyue, lost among the other rubles on the roof. Then, after a few years, it appeared, as evidenced by a tiny scratch running along the side, that it had burned computer chips all the way to Bangladesh, where it transferred its Dogecoin to beaver skin and sold it along the fur trade.

Wriothesley crouched on the ground and narrowed his eyes, closely observing the ruble. It appeared to have been handled by Dwayne The Rock Johnson in Hungary, then melted down into an apple among the other unlucky coins living temporarily in The Rock’s pocket. Rolling to meet its fellow woodcutters in Inazuma, that was how it ended up in the Fortress of Meropide.

The Duke nodded in satisfaction. Mystery solved. He turned back to Furina, who was whistling and poking around at some crates nearby. The purple child was gone with a puff of gas.

“What were you saying abt a spy?” Wriothesley asked, using his Heelys to sprint like a toucan up to Furina, who stopped observing the crates of molasses tongues.

“Nothin’,” Furina said in a southern accent, twiddling her kimono.

“Mk, anyway, the cafeteria is this way,” Wriothesley led Furina to the Plankton ring so they could snack on guts.

“Simply divine,” Furina said like Rarity from the hit TV series with 9 seasons and a multitude of still-running movies, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

Furry-nah: ight qiqi told child to meet up @ the zone

QueueChi: 👍

VenAqui: im preping the air current (o´▽`o)

Tu How: alrdy digin the hole

Cnave: …what hole?

Tu How: Glad you asked ! \(★ω★)/ Seeing as we’re approaching a dangerous moment in our lives, I decided to prepare a few graves, free of charge! Complimentary coffins will be available half off because we’re fighting for a noble cause (uωu人).

John Lee: The use of grammar implies that was pre-written.

Tu How: yup yup yup bc iknew someone would ask (✧ω✧)!!

VenAqui: taotao ive been ur frend 4 so long pls can i have a cheeper coffin (=ↀωↀ=)

Tu How: sry venven, gotta make a living (;´д｀) (っ´ω`)ﾉ(╥ω╥)

VenAqui: 😞

Line-y: wait but ms. Hu Tao the site we’re preparing for evacuation usage is in a swamp right??

Tu How: why yes!

Line-y: if you bury ppl in a swamp they’ll rot and get all liquidy and gross

Tu How: oh

Kachiao: I’d like to reserve a swamp grave for Venti

VenAqui: XIAO HWO CULD YOU my grave shuld be le fanciest of alls!

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): bury Childe there too

Cnave: pls throw Dottore in one

Line-yeet: I would not mind if Lyney ended up inhabiting a gross nasty ghastly moist soggy grave

Line-y: Lynette ur so mean what did i do??

Line-yeet: took my nail polish, you bitch

Ayetheeyarr: hey guys i just found a pink banana-looking frog

Tu How: eat it ミ◕ｖ◕彡

Furry-nah: nomnom bitch

Ayetheeyarr: ok!

Line-y: pls aether no

Ayetheyarr: THIS IS PIMON ETHER JSUT STARTED DEFENDESTRATING IN REVERSE WHAT DO I DO

Cnave: youre all so incompetent

Doktor: so true.

Cnave: may we focus back on the plot to save the ginger harbinger?

John Lee: Childe happens to have a name, you know.

Tu How: damn lee get some [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲ ̅]

VenAqui: defend ur husband zhongs! slaayy ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

Kachiao: pls shut the hell up I’m in the middle of defeating Azhdaha for weeklies

VenAqui: I’d let you defeat me weekly 😉

Tu How: DAYUUMM

Line-y: get some venti 👏

Furry-nah: the rizz is real

Kachiao: Venti, I hope you choke on your toes

Ayetheyarr: damn bitch the gays are everywhere
Ayetheyarr: aether passed uot btw no worries
Ayetheyarr: nVM HE’s SUMMONING A WOK WANUIFHWJAMFWA

Furry-nah: no the wok 💀

Tu How: my microwave exploded＼(＾▽＾)／

John Lee: Hu Tao, microwaves have not been invented yet.

Tu How: I do what i want byatch (눈_눈)

Cnave: back to our purpose in gathering here. Furina, Venti, and my children; have you prepared the escape to the surface?

FrM&Ms: I have scouted a path that leads directly to our surface campsite and the prison and secured it from any enemies as well as infiltrated the guard’s schedule.

Line-y: The explosives you’ve provided us have been set…

Line-yeet: …and tested. We have double checked all of our plan to be sure of complete security along the route.

Tu How: dug a third grave ʕ≧ᴥ≦ʔ

VenAqui: i found a pretty dung beatle (´ω｀*)

Furry-nah: hey anyone want a donut? (*^^*)

Doktor: you can really tell who’s been professionally trained and who hasnt

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): I took over Hu Tao’s job and secured the beach.

John Lee: Good job Ganyu. And I am heading the spot to convince Furina of actually helping.

Furry-nah: was that a attack? I feel attacked. that was pasive agressive

With basically everything settled and ready for lift off, there was a short break ordered. The actual plan would happen a week later once the tide was right so in the meantime, the group of jail-breaking Teyvatians gathered for a game of Hunger Games to celebrate Copernicus’ invention of the inflatable tent and his feature in his hit song Marshmallow Rain Bows featuring Ivanka Trump and Louis Armstrong.

“Would be funny if we invited Neuvi,” Furina laughed as she stabbed her fellow archon, Venti, in the thoracolumbar fascia.

“No it wouldn’t,” replied Arlecchino, who was spectating and pretending to be the president of Panem. She has white hair so basically the same thing anyways.

“Man if only my fellow hot oligarchy of lesbians from Liyue were here.” Ganyu drew sad pictures of tinsel in the sand with cheese whiz.

Meanwhile, across the battlefield, the Lyney siblings were making a pledge of allegiance to the united states of Hunger Games to stick with each other until the very end, then kill themselves at once so the games would end.

“For all time,” Aether said.

“Always!” the siblings replied.

The four of them lined up together, holding hands.

“By the power vested in me as the main character, I summon Voltron!” Aether activated his black lion.

Lyney formed the blue arm, Lynette took the red, Freminet the green, and Paimon the yellow. Merging together, they became Aethminetteymon. Of course, they didn’t actually form anything, that sounds gross. Their characters in D&D were the ones doing this.

Too bad Voltron ended up stepped on by Dottore, there goes Klance.

“LUNCH BREAK!” Hu Tao screamed.

Everyone stopped their fun game of murder and quickly went to grab Digorno’s from the armchair store down the beach.

“It’s not delivery, it’s drive-yourself-to-the-pizzaria-you-lazy-asshole,” Hu tao said wisely, writing a new jingle for Digorno and Domino’s joint company coming in May.

Meanwhile, Zhongli was being depressed bc his boyfriend was in prison and also bc all his friends were dead. Qiqi wasn’t helping because she was too short, and Xiao couldn’t either, not because he was short, but also because he was too emotionally constipated. And short. That too.

“After lunch break, we’ll have passed enough time to begin the operation to save Childe,” Xiao said, trying to be an optimist while he was focused on learning Sindarin, the best form of Elvish from the hit movie and novel sensation Fellowship of the Bling.

The others nodded with glee. The tide was right, just exactly now, even tho a week was supposed to pass, bc time in Fontaine passes differently, following the schedule called Honhon Hours. One honhon was a whole ass day and there were 18 a day so basically 18 days in a day because the French are speedy (especially when surrendering). Not as speedy as your mom’s shopping cart on Black Friday, but still speedy.

“Not that I think we should save that ugly crusty nasty ass old-cracker-between-the-couch-cuchions gay ass gross definitely-foot-fungus-sporting Snezhnayan goofy murderer no family useless worthless futile waste of space ginger spider-monkey-looking whore bitch Childe,” Xiao felt compelled to add.

“Yeah, yeah,” Venti shrugged. “We know you love me.”

“What did any of that have to do with you?” Xiao’s facial structure distorted slightly around the eyebrow crease area and the edges of the feeding hole to appear displeased.

“You takl so much,” Venti smiled seductively with his blue vegan teeth. “You need a bit of shutting up, eh?”

The tension was thick and span, like a styrofoam plank dripped in piano key tears.

It appeared for a second as if Venti’s frankly horrible flirt had affected Xiao. Then Xiao rolled his eyes and said;

“Typo, dumbass. It’s talk, not takl,” then he sprinted to the whale meat gazebo.

Venti ran after him, determined to Get That AssTM. The rest prepared for the excavation of Childe.

WrioTheSlay: k smth is def going down 2nite

Cl: yeah, strange activity at the beach today

NeuviLetDown: Agreed. Furina has been distant and completely disappeared today after making suspicious claims about attending a ball. There are no balls in all of Fontaine today.

WrioTheSlay: except for mine and yours, baby

Cl: oh archons

NeuviLetDown: Are you implying that our two pairs of genitals are the only ones left on Teyvat?

WrioTheSlay: i bet theyre so lonely all alone

Cl: pls stop, ik i called you rizz-ley earlier but it was a joke–

NeuviLetDown: I’m sure it would be no problem to have them meet, loneliness is an awful curse, after all. I would know.

WrioTheSlay: seems like i can fix both your problems, my sexy friend

Cl has left the payphone messaging experience.

With the government strangely temporarily inactive, the plan was easy to execute.

Theoretically.

Upon Furina, Venti, Dottore (in case Childe’s hurt), the Lyney siblings and Aether’s (we’ll call this brave group the Shoe Shampoo for ease) arrival via swimming into the depths of the McDonald-themed ocean above, turned out Childe wasn’t at the meeting location.

The location was the remains of a rather small marshmallow placed just inside the weak, conveniently-placed explosive-surrounded (thx Lyney and Lynette for wiring those) glass window in the prison that nobody thought to guard.

Instead, Childe had managed to be completely coerced into doing something else with his time; he decided, against the betterment of his judgment, that capturing snail shells was more important. They often hid on top of Prussian blue carpets, you see, so he had to purge the bathrooms.

The snail shells infested the cafeteria’s blood bank and fern collection often, and it was time for them to go. As a loyal resident of the Prison Beneath the Sea, Childe had a duty! His pride would never let him off easy.

So, logically, with such a conundrum, the Shoe Shampoo had to head inside the prison and retrieve him.

Trotting in through the maintenance door, they walk in slow-motion, V-formation, with Furina and her epic sunglasses in the front, popping bubblegum and epically resting a baguette-launcher on her shoulder. She accidentally pressed the trigger, and the Shoe Shampoo’s slow-mo machine halted.

“Oh shit, I just shot Dottore,” Furina gasped.

“Leave him,” Aether said without hesitation.

“Yeah! Leave him!” Paimon sneered, kicking Dottore’s cucumber. “He’s not pure evil.”

Venti quickly ran over and kicked Dottore with glee, imagining he was Signora, because the twink needs his revenge, even if by association.

“...he’s kinda one of our Mafia Executives,” Lyney noted. “We miiight be thrown out and killed for treason if we leave his body here.”

For, in fact, Furina’s accidental baguette gun bullet struck Dottore’s bony-ass thumb, and he died on the spot like a kitchen sponge upon being put to work on a slime’s bathtub, coated in Monopotassium Trifranoxide.

“Welp, I’m not gonna let one murder get in the way of my epic protagonist walk,” Furina shrugged.

So the time slowed back down and she reloaded her bubblegum, gun once again lifted over her shoulder casually. A distant explosion went off, adding surprisingly great lighting to the features of her subordinates following her back in V-formation, Now Without DottoreTM.

Unfortunately, the guards tasted bacon cilantro on the air through the sewage they were taking a nap in, and ran to see what was up. They found a group of wackos walking slowly down the musty dusty crusty pasty tasty halls.

The guards quickly surrendered upon seeing Pers’ intimidating aura. They got on their hands and put their knees in the air.

“That’s right,” Furina popped her gum with a grin. “Cower, fools. Now, ‘and us over ze Fatui ‘arbinger, oui?”

Her real accent started coming out all of the sudden, and Venti reeled back in shock.

“Vhat vas dat?” Venti gasped. “Oh, nein! Mein accent ist also of ze slipping outs!”

The guards were very confused. It seemed like all of the sudden, Furina and Venti’s perfect Hollywood American accents had stopped working. Uh oh!

“The world is ending! The archons got new voice actors!” Lyney exclaimed.

So, the world ended.

A giant whale took the opportunity to burst forth from the prison’s depths and break through all of the walls that were supposed to protect the place from being literally flooded. Now, the green water of Fontaine’s murkey oceans supplied so much air to all the people in the prison that they could breathe! Uh oh, and the prisoners could escape!

As the Shoe Shampoo struggled to swim to the surface, navigating through the rubble, they watched Childe riding on the back of the whale. He was screaming like Eliza at the end of Hamilton but more feminine and less dramatic, simply horrified.

He tumbled off of the whale and crashed into the ocean (because the whale had flown into the sky). The Shoe Shampoo reconvened on the beach, minus a Dottore (he’s still down there) and plus a Childe (spluttering and shivering).

“What the hell just happened?” Charlotte asked.

“I was just ordering some escargot and this whale attacked me out of my spoon handle!” Childe defended himself.

“We have to get all these prisoners rounded up!” Lynette exclaimed. “They’re all escaping. Childe, your idiot ass caused this disaster, help us!”

Wriothesley and Clorinde stood together on a nearby mountain, one soaking wet and the other picking at her itchy blue wig. She wore it because if you have blue hair and are nearby water, the water will grant you a wish. She really wanted a Sub Sandwich.

“Welp, I guess the guys performing a jail break are now putting everyone back in jail?” Clorinde shrugged. “Want to go get some–”

“TEA?!” Wriothesley asked, eyes wide.

“Wha– no, I was–”

“TEA TEA TEA!” Wriothesley jumped up and down.

“Oh my archons you’re so strange, fine, we can get tea,”

—

It took 25 years to round up all the escaped prisoners and finalize the death count, but the Shoe Shampoo squad all worked together and got it done, with the help of the rest of their squad, like Zhongli. Although he spent most of his time listening to Childe rant about his prison life.

Afterward, it was time for a celebration!

They met up in Liyue because Fontaine had kicked them all out forever, and hired Chongyun and Yun Jin for catering and Xiangling and Noelle for decoration. Unfortunately, Liyue had instated a new rule while they were in Fontaine: It’s against the law to make any noises above the volume of the average volume of all Nightcord At 25:00 songs added together and divided by three through the speaker of a V&W bus.

Sadly, their party was quite loud, and the police (Yelan) ran over and yelled at them to shut the hell up or they’d be kicked into Sumeru. All afraid of school, they had to resort to sitting on a couch and texting each other, listening to rave music through headphones.

Tu How: this party s lit ﾍ(´∀｀ﾍ)

Furry-nah: hellz yeah! ♪(┌・。・)┌

VenAqui: untz untz untz untz (~￣▽￣)~

Tarts: dudes ganyu’s listening to Mitski

Tu How: based

Tarts: im listening to Jojo’s intros

QueueChi: qiqi prefers the Cocomelon soundtrack

Tarts: based as hell

FrM&Ms: If we are all sharing our musical preferences, I’m listening to Heather by Conan Gray

Lynette: Sweater Wheather for me

Line-y: im listening to crab rave

Ayetheeyarrr: same???!!

Line-y: It’s almost like i was looking over ur shoulder and saw what you were listneing to and copied lmao
Line-y: what a coinkydink

Ayetheeyarrr: literally! what are the chances??

Cnave: …

Kachiao: I’m listening to All The Kids Are Depressed

Doktor: are we going to gloss over the fact that childe thinks cocomelon is based

Tu How: um, who invited this dude?? Get the Hell Out.

Furry-nah: don’t you dare critique qiqi s tastes like that u fishface

Goat(greatestOfAllTitties): This blatant disrespect, tsk tsk.

VenAqui: idk he sounds like a child hater to me 😬

Doktor: okay holy moley leave me alone

John Lee: I, for one, am listening to Måneskin

Tarts: wtf 🥲

VenAqui: IM LISTENING TO SOFIA THE FIRST

Furry-nah: IM FINDING OUT WHAT BEING ROYALS ALL ABT

Tu How: SOFIA THE FIRST

Tarts: MAKING MY WAY ITS AN ADVENTURE EVERY DAY

VenAqui: sofiaaaa

Cnave: Its finally my time

VenAqui: sofiaaa

Line-y: TO SHOW THEM THAT IM

Kachiao: Sofia the fiiiiiirst

Tu How: DUN DUN

Tarts: damn xiao held the long note

VenAqui: xiao… you did your line

Kachiao: yes, well

John Lee: Well what?

Kachiao: idk

VenAqui: were you going to say its because YOU CARE ABOUT US???

Kachiao: NO

Tu How: bc we spent all our time teachign you it and you didnt want to dissapoint us??? 。(⌒∇⌒。)

Kachiao: NUH UH

Thus concludes the adventure of Childe’s jail breakage. They all sat texting and listening to various different types of music for the next three hours before dispersing back to their hedgehog holes for lunch.

Wriolette and Clorinde lived a happy ever after, with all the prisoners back in the deflooded prison, redesigned with cow liver for extra durability against Flouder attacks!

I hope you smiled at least once. Maybe giggled. Maybe had a seizure or died. Jk about the last one, that’s reserved for Tomo.

See you next time! You’re watching… Disney Channel! ☆⌒ヽ(*'o^*) chu.