Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or I'll make this an actually serious story instead of a crackfic in disguise(please take care of yourself, I don't know how to write normal fics) 

To be entirely honest, neither of the boys knew how any of this happened. In fact, not even the author knows.

But worrying about the past wouldn't get the two children anywhere anyways. They needed to focus on what to do next, as that is the only way to advance the plot.

As far as Killua knew, he was the only person who was aggressively yeeted into his six year old body. "Aggressively" was actually a very appropriate word to describe this experience, as Killua was currently experiencing what most people would call Extreme Painᵀᴹ.

This was the exact same way for Gon. As far as the green haired child knew, he was the only one who was sent back in time. And was, well, also in the Extreme Painᵀᴹ.

After the initial shock of being back in their six year old bodies wore off, both Gon and Killua's first plan of action was, you probably guessed it, finding the other. This because they're incredibly ga-

Gon, after giving his plan very little thought, wrote a note informing Mito that he was leaving to meet a friend, and that he would hopefully return soon. He then set off onto the first boat to the Republic of Padokea. 

Killua, being the more logical out of the two, was under the assumption that the current Gon doesn't know him, therefore rushing things will get him nowhere.

Gon does not share the same logic that Killua does. In fact, one could argue the Gon's plan had no logic at all. It took less than an hour for him to sneak onto a early-morning boat, successfully leaving the island.

...

Okay, maybe "sneak" wasn't a accurate way to describe it. 

After only thirty-ish minutes of being on the boat he was found by a crew member. Being dragged into the captain's chambers for questioning. By drag he meant carried, because he's incredibly small, light, and weak. 

He was finally set down, but the crew member kept their hand on his shoulder, keeping him in place. Because, again: small, light, and weak.

"What are you doing here kid?" The captain asked, smoking one of those incredibly unhealthy pipe things. 

"Uh-" Gon looked around a bit, trying to come up with an excuse, his internal dialogue repeating Don't say anything about time travel, don't say anything about time travel, don't say anything ab- "drugs..?" 

...you should've said something about time travel.

He swallowed a lump in his throat, avoiding eye contact. For a moment he really wished he was as good as lying as Killua is- ..was? is going to be? Time travel is confusing.

"Yeah, that checks out." the captain shook his head solemnly, turning towards his men "Let him go, boys. He's one of them."

The two crew members present quickly let go of Gon's shoulders, scurrying out of the room. Gon followed a moment later, slowly backing away from the captain who was still shaking his head slowly in disappointment. 

Did Gon want to know what 'them' meant? Kind of. Was he going to ask? Absolutely not. 

When he got back to the deck, everyone avoided him like the plague. Well, he didn't really know if people slowly backed away from the plague, but that's probably how illnesses work, so yeah. Like the plague. 

Gon found a nice crate to sit on, and started to come up with a plan. Gon was smart enough to realize that six year old Killua was currently an assassin. And therefore would, more likely than not, attempt to kill him almost immediately.

After quickly coming up with no plan, as creating an actual plan was easier said than done, Gon just stared into the water until it was time for him to sneak off the boat and continue on his journey to Heavens Arena.

—

Now, one may think that finding one(1) smol child in a two-hundred floor building would be a difficult task. And, in most cases, that would be entirely accurate. However, Gon and Killua are the main characters in a really shitty fanfic, so, obviously, logic does not apply to them. 

Now, because logic does not apply to them, finding Killua turned out to be a very, very easy task. 

Killua actually must've just gotten to the Arena, because Silva was still there as well. All Gon had to do now was wait for Silva to leave.

"You can come back home when you get to the two-hundredth fl-"

"KILLUA!" Gon shouted, literally tackling Killua to the ground. You see, after not thinking at all, Gon had decided that this was a very smart plan. It wasn't. Don't be like Gon.

"Gon!?" 

Silva, who didn't know this green haired child, and didn't know how Killua knew said green haired child either, simply left.

Killua already knew the conditions for coming back home, there was no reason for Silva to stay. (Read as: Silva then said "not my problem bitch" and then pulled a Ging.) 

Killua and Gon, who were now wrestling on the floor, failed to notice the man's departure. 

It took fifteen minutes for the two children's brains to catch-up and realize that they were both sent back in time together. This is because they're idiots. 

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or I'll get rid of my plans of having Illumi be the designated fourth wall breaker 😖😖😖

After the clusterfuck of emotions that comes with the "unwilling time travel with your best friend" died down, Killua and Gon began the creation of a Planᵀᴹ.

The plan currently consisted of three rules.

•Don't let anyone know about the time traveling 

•Stay away from Zoldycks, Phantom Troupe, and Hisoka 

•Blame Hisoka for everything that goes wrong

Now, in due time, these rules would be broken.

...Except for rule number three. That one is very important and shall never be change-

"Wait," Gon looked at the plan, tilting his head in confusion. "why are we blaming Hisoka again?"

"Because it's his fault, obviously," Killua replied, not looking up from his book.

"Yeah, but how-"

"His fault."

"But-"

Killua finally glanced away from his book, looking as Gon as he spoke, "Repeat after me: Every bad thing is Hisoka's fault." 

"..Every bad thing is Hisoka's fault?"

"Great, now keep saying it until you believe it," Killua said, turning his attention back to his book. Gon silently wondered why he was reading a book titled 'World Domination For Cats'. 

Now, the plan also had the obvious objective of getting to the two-hundredth floor. Which was going to be a struggle. I mean, it took Killua two years to get to the two-hundredth floor on the first time around, so unless they could  learn some sort of magic that-

...

Wait a second...

"We need to reopen our aura nodes." Killua stated. He, unlike a certain narrator, did not forget about the existence of Nen. (That narrator has been fired.)

"Yeah!" Gon exclaimed.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"We don't know how to learn Nen the safe way..." Gon said, far less excited than he was only moments before. 

"Yeah..." Killua admitted. 

This was an unfortunate downside to having their aura nodes forcefully opened the first time. Now, they could find someone to willingly teach them. Or, an even better idea, they could use not-very-legal ways of getting information that won't be shown in this book for legal reasons. 

They went with option two. 

If people died in the process of Gon and Killua figuring out how to safely learn Nen, we kindly ask you to look back at rule number three.

That's right, it's Hisoka's fault.

Something that's not Hisoka's fault? Gon and Killua now having their aura nodes opened. Because that's a good thing, and Hisoka only gets to take credit for bad things. 

Now, obviously, using Nen on the first two-hundred floors would be rude! It's not like anyone else on these floors has Nen, it would be so wrong to use Nen against them!

Which is exactly why we're blaming Hisoka. Yes, Killua and Gon may have lightly used Nen to get to the fiftieth floor, but that's obviously Hisoka's fault.

Killua and Gon are planning to actually train and not just use Nen to get to the two-hundredth floor. The first fifty floors was just a little slip up, promise. 

Hisoka's slip up that is, Killua and Gon take credit for nothing. 

—

"Gon, how the hell are you so weak?"

"I'm only six!"

"So am I! And you don't see me on the floor after one sparring session!" 

"You broke both my legs!"

"I didn't break your legs, you just failed to dodge! That's your fault!" 

"You sneak attacked me while I was eating cereal!"

"Well I miss the old Gon! He wouldn't complain!" 

"I'm literally right here!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"The real Gon would buy me choco-robots!"

"I- ...am not falling for that."

"...well the real Gon would fall for that, so."

"I would not!"

"Would too!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Would not!"

We interrupt your regular scheduled arguing to inform you that the maid assigned to cleaning Killua and Gon's hotel room has been watching this all unfold. They are is very confused ...and also kinda worried that Gon's legs are now broken, but we don't care about that. 

The main issue here, is that Gon spilt cereal all over the place in an attempt at not getting his legs broken. Now the maid has to clean it up. 

Curse you Hisoka(the platypus[sy]).

—

After about a month of Killua's "surprise attacks", as he like to call them, Gon prefers to call them "harassment", and "the reason why your family abandoned you", Gon was finally getting stronger! 

I mean, his options were get stronger or die, so it's not like he had much of a choice. But that's okay, consent is apparently unnecessary in the world of HxH! 

Plus, it's not like anything too bad has happened.

...Except for when they accidentally destroyed that one building, or the time they set fire to a children's hospital, or when they fought at the Zoo and accidentally ended up freeing all the animals, can't forget that one time when they killed an entire police force, oh yeah, and when they got caught and had to escape from Trick Tower. 

...Apparently it's way harder to escape from when you're actually prisoners, and not just participants in the Hunter exam. They got out without too much trouble though! Well, Killua did, Gon got both his legs broken. Sucks to be him.

But, really, if you think about it, that's all Hisoka's fault! (Please come up with elaborate theories on how it's Hisoka's fault. ..For research purposes.)

—

Directly after one of Gon's fights, Killua decided to become a problem. And by that I mean he told Gon, and I quote, "You have ten seconds to run. And then I'm going to chase you until you regret ever being born."

..Yeah, Gon is starting to see how Killua was his family's 'perfect assassin.'

"I already regret being born! I swear! Promise! I'd never lie to you!" Gon screamed, as the two sped down the halls in a life-or-death version of tag. Illumi, who is currently stalking the children, is rooting for Killua.

Now, to distract you from the fact that Gon and Killua are being stalked, you may be wondering 'How is Gon running? His legs were broken?'

And to that I reply with... another thing to distract you.

Gon ran, because he can do that with his very, completely, totally, non-broken legs, straight into Hisoka. Who, much like Illumi, had taken to the art of stalking the children. 

He's actually pretty good at it. He should stalk children more. Y'know, play to your strengths and all.

Fun Facts:

• I'm should just fucking shatter the fourth wall in this fic. Illumi will be having full on conversations with the reader. When I said Illumi was stalking everyone, I met everyone, even the reader. You're not safe. Run while you still can.(it's to late, try to run and Illumi will break your legs and drag you back)

• Me every other paragraph: and guess what, we're blaming Hisoka. Bet ya didn't see that one coming.

• !!!!Trigger warning: Violent interrogation methods that Gon and Killua may or may not have used in this chapter!!!!

Nen user that Killua and Gon kidnapped: I'm not telling you anything!

Killua: oh, is that so? Gon, grab the knife.

Nen user: You'll never get me to talk!!

Gon: *menacingly cuts piece of cake*

Nen user: ...Can I have some?

Killua: *slams hands down on table* Cake is for talkers.

(I know the meditation thing was told to Gon and Killua, but A: Funni, and B: they'd probably forget) 

Chapter Text

(Edited this chapter over and over until it was basically rewritten entirely, and still don't like it😔 you're not allowed to judge this chapter. I'll force feed you a spider if you do.)

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today and maybe I'll admit that my writing isn't completely terrible I guess

"Oh," Hisoka looked down at the green-haired child, who had recently decided to barrel into him, "now what do we have here? ♧"

Gon slowly looked up at Hisoka, starting to go through the five stages of grief. As one does.

While Gon was in the process of grieving a small 'thud' sound echoed down the hallway, drawing both Gon and Hisoka's attention. 

Gon looked towards the hallway, twitching nervously. Then suddenly he came up with a terrible plan. Quickly positioning himself behind Hisoka, using him as a form of protection. Why he thought that this was a good idea? No clue, but it's Hisoka's fault. 

"Save me." Was all he said before Killua turned the corner. 

Killua stopped in his tracks, looking up at Hisoka, down at Gon, then back up at Hisoka. He did this for about thirty seconds before looking directly at Gon and saying-

"What the fu-"

"I can explain!" Gon put his hands up in mock surrender. Now that Killua wasn't currently trying to kill him, he should be fine, right?

...right?

...Author say he'll be fine. Say it. He'll be perfectly fine. No harm will come to him, ..right?

"What the hell!?" Killua chose to go with the more kid-friendly version of his previous comment. We don't want to end up accidentally teaching Hisoka curse words, now do we?

"..okay, so I can't actually explai-" his sentence was cut off by Killua lunging at him. Luckily, or unluckily, Hisoka did in fact "save" Gon.

Hisoka let out a small hum as he pulled Gon out of the way, only a split second before Killua would've tackled him to the ground. He looked down at the two young boys in interest. (🎶Pedo Pedo Pedo Pedo, Pedophilia🎶)

Gon was stuck looking in between the two Transmuters in an attempt to figure out who was the lesser of two evils. In the original timeline he would've chosen Killua in a heartbeat. But, after dealing with dozens of "surprise attacks" he wasn't so sure. 

Not that his choice mattered anymore. As you will soon find out, Killua and Hisoka tend to ignore Gon's opinions on things. 

"Hey! Give him back!" Killua shouted. It was unknown whether he wanted to save Gon, or continue attacking Gon.

"Hmm..." Hisoka pretended to think for a few seconds before pulling Gon closer to himself, "I don't think that I will. ♤" He purred.

Which is exactly how Gon got sidetracked and started trying to figure out if every Transmuter was actually a cat in disguise, or if Hisoka and Killua were related somehow...

"He's mine! Give him back!" Killua said, his Aura flaring up. 

You know, if you squint hard enough, aura flaring really resembles a cat's fur puffing up when they feel threatened. Wait, they can't be related. Because Killua's a Zoldyck and Hisoka's... well, Hisoka. ...but, maybe, hear me out, Illumi let Hisoka near Killua when Killua was really little. Young children are very impressionable, aren't they?

Killua didn't give any more warning before he lunged at Hisoka. Though, the man dodged with ease, dragging Gon along with him. Gon was still too distracted with his conspiracy theories to notice.

Hisoka began shuffling a deck of cards as he evaded all of Killua's assassination attempts, "Well this is quite rude~ ♧"

Oh, actually, Illumi is super protective of Killua, so he wouldn't let Hisoka near him. So that theory is out...

"Give me Gon, you clown." Killua hissed, finally taking a break from his constant flow of attacks. 

Hisoka ignored the uncreative insult, and looked down at the green haired boy "Gon? Is that your name, my dear?♡"

Gon was still too focused on his conspiracy theories to actually pay attention to the real world. This resulted in Hisoka being completely and entirely ignored, much to Killua's amusement.

Wait! What if Transmuters are contagious? And Killua was affected by the disease! How is Gon supposed to tell him.. He doesn't even know that he randomly grows cat ears and a tail! This is bad, this is really really bad... how-

Gon was very rudely interrupted from his thoughts when Killua roughly pulled him away from Hisoka. Which, in theory, was a much better option than being stuck near Hisoka. 

The battle—which was very one sided but don't tell Killua I said that—then came to a halt. Killua and Gon now standing about fifteen feet away from Hisoka.

Gon sweat dropped, looking in between the two transmuters. Hisoka was still shuffling his cards, which was a threat in itself. And Killua glared at Hisoka from across the hall, fingers sharpened into claws.

Wait.. claws? Well- no, Gon. You must stay focused. Stay focused... clawsareverycatlike,andalsoHisokahaslong,sharpnailswhichislikeclaws,also- Damnit! Stay focused!

"So.." Gon began after awhile, breaking the tense silence, "can we leave now, Mr Pedophile, sir?" 

Killua lasted about two seconds before bursting out laughing, as Hisoka stared at the two children in ...honestly the narrator doesn't need, nor want to know what that look means. 

"Well, my dear~" Hisoka appeared near Gon with a poof of smoke, "I would greatly appreciate a better nickname than 'Mr Pedophile' ♤"

Gon paused for a bit, bringing a finger up to his chin as he thought of a name for Hisoka. Finally, he opened his mouth and was immediately cut off by Killua.

"Wh- Whoresoka-" Killua choked out, doubling over in laughter. 

Hisoka, for some unknown reason, didn't enjoy this name, and gestured for Gon to say whatever he was thinking.

Gon began to speak again, before being interrupted by Killua.

"Hiso- Hisowhore-" Killua's eyes were tearing up, as he kept listing off 'nicknames' for Hisoka. Including, but not limited to, 

"Walmart Ronald McDonald"

"Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony"

"Magic-y boy" 

"Fashion nightmare"

And, of course, "clown."

Fun Facts 

• A lot of these fun facts were questions about how people wanted the book to go, but since the book is already finished and I’m just cross posting it on here, I’m replacing those ones.

• So, because a lot of the "Learning Nen" process is more information/memory based, Gon and Killua are still excellent Nen users, despite their six year old bodies. They mostly just need to redo the "using Ren for three hours" thing. And they're also physically weak-

• Honestly AO3 is better than Wattpad in every way, but the commenting thing. Like what you mean I can’t comment on specific lines????

Chapter Text

Eat pussy and Oreos and/or, be incredibly lonely today or I'll get arrested for insurance fraud:(

In all honestly, Hisoka was expecting the children to put up more of a fight. Instead they completely allowed themselves to be kidnapped. Willingly walking into his room with no complaint. 

After that, Hisoka expected that they would have an escape plan. And that they would leave within a day.

They haven't.

It's been a week. 

He's starting to believe that they aren't going to leave. Is he a father now? Is that how adoption works? Does he need to search up how to take care of children? Does-

"Hey Hisoka!" Gon called while, at the same time, Killua yelled "Hey Peppa Pig knockoff!"

Well, Hisoka already has a favorite child. Is showing favoritism allowed in parenthood? He'll have to search that up later. But, until then...

"Yes, Gon my dear? ♡" He crouched down to where he was at eye level with Gon. He glanced over at Killua as he unenthusiastically added, "Oh, and you as well. ♤"

Surprisingly, Killua didn't glare at him. Instead choosing to whisper something to Gon. Hisoka couldn't hear all of it, only the words "Don't" "my idea" and "won't agree." Which is more than enough to connect the dots.

"I wanted to know if you could please take me and Killua shopping for clothes?" Gon turned back towards Killua for any added input. After the two children had what seemed to be a silent conversation, Gon spoke again "This is entirely my idea. I am not being threatened with bodily harm." 

"Oh? ♧"

...In hindsight asking Hisoka to take them shopping was not a great idea.

It's barely been an hour and they've already spent millions upon millions of dollars.

By 'they' I mean Killua and Hisoka. Gon hasn't spent a dime.

Gon's not sure when or how it happened, but there's now a competition to see who can spend more money on him. Hisoka has a large lead, but Killua has somehow gained access to some of the Zoldyck's money. And if there's anything Gon has learned in this trip it's that large sums of money can be spent very quickly. 

"Where would you like to go next, my dear?♡" Hisoka purred, interrupting Gon's thoughts. Purred you say? Like a cat- wait, no. No more cat theories.

"Somewhere expensive I hope." Killua added, fiddling with the credit card in his hand. Seeing how Illumi is hiding somewhere around here, it's safe to say that it's actually Illumi's card.

Wait, why is Illumi here? Doesn't he have assassination work to do? ...Eh, it's probably nothing to worry about.

Gon decided to ignore the fact that Illumi was staring at him from across the mall. As that is definitely not dangerous at all. He simply avoided eye contact and pretended he saw nothing. 

In his attempt to avoid eye contact with Illumi, he made direct eye contact with both Hisoka and Killua. Both of which were still waiting for a response. 

Gon, who had forgotten about the question up until now, nervously said the first thing that came to mind "Can I get a gun?"

He should really start thinking before he speaks. 

But, on the bright side, he has a gun!

Though it is slightly concerning that Killua has the numbers to multiple black market weapons dealers saved on his phone. Especially if you consider the fact that they've only been back in the past for two months.

It's probably an assassin thing.

"Oh! Hisoka, Hisoka! Look!" Gon pointed towards magic-trick shop across from them. Having things ranging from decks of cards, fake wands, to a real live rabbit for some reason. Oh well, everyone knows that magicians create rabbits. Rabbits are man made.

(Not me always going for the rabbits 😔 first they were Bees In Disguise and now they're Manmade creatures.)

[Edit: yeah that’s one of the things I was talking about being more inside jokes from my other Wattpad fics]

Before Hisoka had a chance to say anything Gon was dragging him towards the shop. Only stopping when Killua stepped in.

"We're not going to a dumb fake magic shop." He huffed, sending a glare Hisoka's way while he spoke, "They only sell dumb things anyways."

"But-" Gon tried to argue, immediately getting interrupted by Killua.

"No. I'm not going and neither are you. Let Hisoka go by his self."

"They have yo-yos." Gon said quickly, as to avoid being interrupted again. 

"Where?" Killua's demeanor changed instantly. The cat-eyed- wait no. No cat theories. Regular eyed? The regular-eyed boy sped into magic shop, the same one he had said he wouldn't go into only moments before. 

Gon smiled at the victory as he watched Killua dart away. He quickly followed suit, dragging Hisoka along with him. 

Hisoka let out a small hum as Gon dragged him inside the store. While he had a certain distaste for no-skill-necessary magic, he would admit that the place itself was quite impressive. And his dear Gon seemed so very happy about it. 

"Hisoka!" Gon called excitedly, lightly tugging on Hisoka's shirt to gain his attention. "Teach me magic! You know how, right? So you can teach me!"

"Oh? You'd like to learn magic, my dear? ♡" Hisoka purred. Then immediately got hit in the face with a yo-yo.

Killua huffed and returned the plastic yo-yo back onto the shelf. Grumbling something about the yo-yo being "too light" as he did so.

In all honesty, Hisoka was quite impressed.

"I want to do card tricks!" Gon nodded in confirmation, completely ignoring the yo-yo thing. This Hisoka was far better than past, wait no future? Better than the first-run Hisoka.

"Well, I certainly teach you those. ♢" Hisoka said. He's never actually been interested in having children but it doesn't seem too bad. Just look at Gon! He's so adorable. And Killua... also exists. 

Well, even if he's not fond of Killua. It was a two-for-one deal. And Killua will sale for quite a bit on the black market.

"Both of you hurry up." Killua drew the other two out of their thoughts, urging them to get on with the shopping. He started playing with a metal yo-yo, already knowing a few tricks with it.

Hisoka's begun to notice that the two children are far more skilled than people their age should be. Nonetheless he carried on with shopping as Killua had requested. Ruffling the white-haired child's hair while he passed by. This only earned him a glare and his fingers almost being bitten off. 

Surprisingly, Killua didn't make any threat to kill him. Hisoka soon found out that this was because he spotted a candy store. Which, as everyone knows, is infinitely more important than killing people.

...okay so they all have candy addictions, shut up. And if they, for some reason, bought all the candy in that store it's none of your concern.

It is Gon's concern though. And he is very, very concerned. But he has candy now so he won't complain. Plus Hisoka and Killua aren't fighting right now! 

"Chocolate robots are way better than Bungee gum!" 

Never mind...

Gon stayed silent as the other two argued about which candy was better the whole way home. Or, well, Hisoka's room at Heavens Arena. Gon and Killua just kinda live there now.

At some point, Hisoka managed to steal Killua's candy. Which was a crime not even Hisoka-simps can ignore. 

Gon however can ignore it. Because he still has his candy. 

Now, the logical thing to do would be sharing the given candy with your best friend who just happens to be heavily resistant to poison and drugs. That way you know the candy is safe, and you're sharing! It's the smart thing to do!

Unfortunately it's already been stated that Gon is not smart. So once they got home he immediately sat down and began consuming the candy.

Hisoka hummed softly, sitting down on the chair closest to Gon. He ignored Killua's glare in favor of building a card tower. And seeing how he builds the towers on flat surfaces and then knocks them down, you could say it was very cat lik- wait, no. 

"Gon," Killua pointed towards the seat closest to himself. Which coincidentally was the one furthest away from Hisoka. "you should move over here."

Gon eyed the chair Killua pointed to with caution. He swallowed the candy he had in his mouth before speaking, "Are you going to steal my candy?"

Killua let out a sharp gasp, put a hand over his heart offendedly, "Are you comparing me to Chrollo?"

Gon narrowed his eyes at Killua in suspicion. Killua stared back at Gon in mock-hurt. After a while, Killua reluctantly spoke again. 

"Okay, fine." He admitted with a sigh. "Maybe I was planning on taking a piece or two. But only to make sure they're not poisoned." 

Killua and Gon then did what they do best, argue about pointless things. Hisoka was still processing the fact that not only did Gon and Killua apparently know of the Phantom troupe, they knew the leader by name. It wasn't particularly difficult information to get if you looked hard enough. But it was still a lot more than children should know. 

Hisoka knew better to wait for a break in their argument, as that could take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, "Gon, dear?" He called sweetly, gaining the boy's attention. "Oh, you as well Snowflake.♤"

"Did you just call me snowflake?" Killua hissed, already preparing to lunge at the older man. Hissed? You mean like a ca- nope. No. Never. Absolutely not. 

"Oh," Hisoka tilted his head in fake surprise, "so you are capable of understanding basic information after all? How impressive~♧"

Gon, already being prepared to hold Killua back, grabbed onto the white haired boy. Temporarily stopping Killua from leaping over the table to stab Hisoka. 

Temporarily, because Killua is much stronger than him and will break free in under a minute. 

"Let me at him!" Killua had already began struggling(read as: dislocating his own wrists and shoulders in an attempt to escape) in Gon's grip. 

"Aww~ and I only wanted to ask how you knew Chrollo. How rude.♢" Hisoka said, shuffling his cards.

Both boys froze, realizing their previous mistake. 

"Oh." Hisoka blinked, genuinely surprised this time, "So you know him personally then?" 

Gon elbowed Killua lightly, urging him to do the talking. Unfortunately Gon did not account for the fact that Killua was still slightly upset at him for not sharing candy. A rookie mistake on his part. 

"Threesome." Killua stated simply, shrugging his shoulders. He ignored the other two's shocked stares as he continued "Me and Gon are mature for our age, it's obvious we'd want to date older men."

Which, technically, was the truth. Gon would feel weird if he dated a six year old, but he's thinking more around the ages of fourteen not- wait, how old is Chrollo right now? 

Gon lightly tugged on Killua's shirt, successfully gaining his attention, "How old is Chrollo?"

"Huh? Oh.." Killua paused for a moment turning his full attention back towards Gon "I think he's twenty-eight in eight years, so twenty right now?"

Hisoka decides not to comment on the strange wording.

"I-" Gon suddenly cuts himself off, turning to look up at Hisoka "Are you planning to fight Chrollo yet?"

He's starting to take note of the wording. 

"I'd like to fight him soon, if that's what you mean. ♧" He purred, appearing next to Gon in a crouched position. He took extra caution to control himself. He had a habit of getting a bit ..excited when he thought of fighting strong opponents, Chrollo was no exception.

Killua and Gon turned towards each other, starting a silent conversation. Well, that's what Hisoka thinks they're doing. It's difficult to tell if it's an impromptu staring contest or a silent conversation with these two, as both happen regularly. 

"Don't join the Phantom Troupe." Killua finally spoke, sending one last glare Gon's way before looking back at Hisoka. Apparently content on not explaining further.

"Why not?♧"

After a moment of silence, Gon explained, "You'd end up waiting for way longer than you think."

Which, to Hisoka, was not an explanation at all. Unfortunately while Hisoka was trying to decipher that information, Gon and Killua self-defenestrated.

Or, in simple terms, threw themselves out the window. 

Fun Facts:

• here, have a Made-Up-Solely-For-My-Convenience fact about the time traveling: While Killua and Gon do have their memories from the original timeline, their brains are far less developed. Y'know.. because they're six. Which explains some of the more childish behaviors. (Author likes ooc characters)

• Me using mostly ♡ emojis when Hisoka is talking to Gon because I'm literally weak when Hisoka seems slightly soft(not romantically) for someone- canon doesn't matter😘 I can get away with it because what if Hisoka was slightly less insane six years before canon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I never read the Hisoka's backstory thing, I think there is one though, so we'll ignore that it exists)

• So this chapter is just showing the relationship dynamic in between the three- *cough cough* I mean, two main characters. As Hisoka is clearly a side character. Also...

Hisoka and Killua fighting over who gets Gon's attention:

"Die, fucking clown!"

"Uno reverse."

"Stop throwing fucking Uno cards at me!"

Gon in the background, completely clueless: "look at them having so much fun :D" 

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or fudygjohifytdtd >:(

"Oi Pedophile-Man, we're back!" Killua yelled as he kicked open the door to Hisoka's room. Which, by the way, is a terrible idea. You never know if he's wearing clothes or not.

Luckily, Hisoka wasn't in the process of adding to the population. Unluckily, he was naked. Luckily (or unluckily, we're not quite sure...) Gon and Killua built up an immunity to that the first time around. 

"Welcome back, my dear~ ♡" Hisoka purred looking up from the card tower he was building. The two boys were standing in the doorway, which was quite normal seeing how they had just entered the room. What was more important was that they were covered in blood. Whom it belonged to is unknown. This is also relatively normal.

"Yeah." Gon said in response. He wasn't aware that most people attempt to carry on the conversation from there. This is because he is dumb at all aspects of life, fighting being the only exception. Assuming the conversation had ended, the grass-like child headed into the kitchen and began rummaging through the fridge. 

Killua followed Gon and started searching through Hisoka's kitchen as well. Unlike gon, the gay-like child did realize that the more socially acceptable thing to do is start a conversation. He simply didn't care. 

After awhile of comfortable silence, in which Hisoka had finished building his card tower. This isn't important but I think it should be said. He's pretty proud of himself. Please be proud of him. Anyways, after awhile of silence, Gon had a thought. This is a rare occurrence. 

"Oh! Hisoka," Gon called, suddenly breaking the silence, "if a Phantom Troupe member comes here looking for us, don't tell them anything, okay?"

This was a very strange request. Many questions flooded Hisoka's mind. Why would a Phantom Troupe member be looking for them? Why would they come here? Do they know where he lives? What did Killua do to upset the Troupe? Does he need to create a cover story? Did they kill a Troupe member? Is that why they're covered in blood? Is he completely fucked? Can he fuck Chrollo?

So, obviously, Hisoka replied with "Sure. ♧" and said nothing else. 

Killua and Gon also said nothing. They just ate their(read as: Hisoka's) bananas. And then more bananas. And then covered the some bananas in chocolate and ate those. Hisoka has a lot of bananas. Though we aren't sure why. There's just a cabinet full of bananas.

The rest of the day continue on in silence. Each of the three doing their own thing. Hisoka building card towers, Killua watching a R-rated movie, Gon hanging from the ceiling like a bat and eating bananas. All normal activities if you ask me. 

The silence was broken a few times of course. Like when Killua would decide it was a great time to Surprise Attackᵀᴹ Gon. Or whenever Hisoka would ask Gon to pick a card. Or that time Gon fell off the ceiling because he was trying to pick a card.

Or right now, where Killua and Hisoka are arguing. Gon's not quite sure why, as the argument quickly devolved into an insult war. This is normal behavior. It's almost concerning how much they enjoy insulting each other.

"Says the person who looks like Peppa pig, Dora the Explorer, and Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony had a threesome and Pinkie got pregnant and then cheated on them all with Bruno Mars! You're the motherfucking outcome of that Hoesoka! How does that make you feel, you pathetic clown fuck!? You look like you were drawn with my left hand you fucking whore! Failed fucking abortion ass mother fucker!" Killua shouted.

Hisoka smiled down at Killua, completely unbothered by the insults. Softly ruffling the boy's hair as he whispered "you're short." 

Killua let out a shocked gasp. Putting a hand over his heart as he stumbled away from Hisoka. That was a low blow and everyone knew it. But if Hisoka wants to play that way, then that's how they'll play. He quickly recovered, glaring at Hisoka as he said "Gon likes me more."

It was Hisoka's turn to feel extremely insulted. Killua had said it such a matter-of-fact tone that it almost seemed true.

Almost.

Gon could never like that weird, pale, sleep deprived, vampire looking kid more than Hisoka. Right?

Hisoka had issues, that much he'll admit. But Killua? Killua was a walking disaster. Even the Zoldycks didn't want him. Despite having large amounts of potential. Killua was really just that unlovable. Only Gon could ever spare enough mercy to befriend him.

Hisoka was far superior in his humble opinion. 

Before Hisoka could reply with another insult Killua was dragging Gon away. Taking the fastest way out. Which, unfortunately for Hisoka, was jumping out of the window. Or, in Gon's case, getting tossed out the window at high speeds.

The poor window... it was just fixed. Killua is a monster. 

While Hisoka was mourning the death of his window, a small breeze came and knocked down his card tower. If Hisoka cried himself to sleep that night, no he didn't. You have no proof.

Gon returned a day later. 'Returned' meaning he poked his head into Hisoka's room, made direct eye contact with the man, and asked "Do you know how to hide a body? Me and Killua are running out of ideas."

Then, after a long moment of staring at this compost-bin-looking-child in a mix of wonder and confusion, Hisoka gave in. He magicked(this word had no red line and is therefore grammatically correct) in a list of ...creative ways to hide a body.

Gon left again immediately after that. Leaving Hisoka staring at the doorway Gon had been standing in only a moment before. He silently wondered where he went wrong as a father.

See, Gon had so rudely left the door open. So Hisoka must've gone wrong somewhere. Has Hisoka spoiled him to much? Has Hisoka not taught him manners? Is Gon so devoid of morals that he purposely leaves doors open? Parenthood is far harder than Hisoka thought it would be.

But, Gon does murder people. So, maybe there's still hope for the moldy-bread-like-child. Maybe he has good morals after all.

Of course Killua is a lost cause. There's no hope for him. The frosty-the-snowman-ripoff child is a waste of space and oxygen.

Illumi, who had watched all of Killua and Hisoka's interactions, had already made a mental note to kill Hisoka the first chance he got. The Pantene-model turned and stated directly into the reader's eyes, and practically into their souls. Tilting his head before mouthing the words "Should I kill the clown thing?"

(Please respond to this, as Illumi is socially awkward and would feel bad if nobody answered his question.) 

[Edit: Wattpad had answered ”no”]

After the "how to hide a dead body" incident, Gon and Killua would stop by for short periods of time. Only long enough to ask Hisoka a question without giving him any context at all.

They'll also grab random items. Anything ranging from a banana, to the shards of his window, to a gun. He doesn't even own a gun. Where'd they get that.

Hisoka wondered if this was normal child behavior, or if he just got broken ones. Is there a repair shop for children or something?

Illumi had no humanly possible way of hearing the question as Hisoka hadn't said it outloud. So logically Illumi had heard it. Replying with "it's called a hospital you dumb fuck." He then looked at the reader who he was sitting next to. (not that the reader knew that until now) Awkwardly offering them a cookie in exchange for the readers silence about his existence.

It would be wise to accept the offer.

Fun Facts: 

• Talking about bananas (nobody was talking about bananas) me and my brother (I found him in a garbage bin and promptly kidnapped him) greet each other by saying (we don't know how to speak) "sananab"  ("bananas" backwards) and "sananab to you too" we then don't speak(as we do not know how) to each other for the rest of the week.(a week contains six days: Wednesday, not Wednesday, Friday, and also not Wednesday) This is normal(we both have blenders full of mental illnesses) sibling behavior.

• Idk if any of you already guessed this, but depending on the readers replies to Illumi's "does Hisoka deserve to die?" question I may or may not kill off Hisoka before chapter 10. You cannot take back your comments. Thank you for your votes!

 (Also if you didn't respond to Illumi's question how dare you. You made him regret talking to you in the first place. How do you feel now, you piece of shit? You're not allowed any cookies.)

• Other writer: I'll stick to one main goal each chapter, like these two characters improving their relationship! Or these two arguing! Or some character stalking them without their knowledge!

Me: great idea! Now put it in a blender.

Other writer, staring in confusion: what.

Me: wait until it's at a word-vomit consistency.

Other writer, shaking in fear: w-what.

Me: then dump onto a plate and serve to reader all in one chapter

Other writer, now sobbing as they try to run away: (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ')

Me, beginning to dump my ideas into the Blender Of Bullshitᵀᴹ:  :)

(Seriously though this chapter was all over the place- and also late asf but we don't mention that.)

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or I will eat your family. I'll tear them apart and eat all the meat until there's nothing left than bone. They are nothing more than a glorified chicken leg to me. I'll cut them up and eat them as leftovers. I'll stick my nonexistent dick up their ass and use my cum as a sauce to flavor them. I'll chop them up into tiny little pieces and shove their blood and cut up meat in a blender.  I'll drink the Your-Loved-Ones-Smoothieᵀᴹ for breakfast like it's a protein shake. I'll turn them into a whole meal. 

But you? You'll survive. I won't kill you. I'll make you eat your own family with me. Eat your normal food, and drink your normal smoothies before I'm forced to do this to your family. (For legal reasons I have to tell you that this is a joke🤞)

[Edit: what the hell was I on when I wrote that threat]

Illumi had went to Heavens Arena to do a quick check up on Killua. 

It's now been over a month of him stalking Killua.

Just to be clear, this was entirely an accident. But a mixture of friendship disease, a thing name Gown(?), a clown, great atrocities and crimes that put the Phantom Troupe to shame, terrible fashion sense being slightly fixed, accidentally not hating Gown, somebody named Dave, and Nen, ruined Illumi's plans.

Killua hadn't been at Heavens Arena for long. Yet when Illumi went to check up on Killua, Killua had learnt Nen, made a f.. fff.. fr.. frien- ...Illumi can't do it. Just, uh, one of those emotional attachment things, and got kidnapped by a clown.

Even worse, both the clown and Killua's companion—Gown, or whatever it's name was—had terrible fashion sense. They were quite literally crimes against fashion. Gown especially. 

Illumi shuddered as he imagined Killua being contaminated with their fashion sense. One of his family members, a Zoldyck, dressing like that? Unacceptable. Illumi shoved that thought into the deepest part of his brain and hoped he would never have to think of it again.

So, obviously, Illumi had to kill Gown and Clown. Just so you know, that rhymes, which is very cool. Rhyming is great. Like Clown and cutting-off-Hisoka's-dick-before-making-it's-house-burn-down! There's only enough room for one stalker in this town! The author uses a gender-neutral pronoun! This chapter is sponsored by the Author's mental breakdown! And- okay, okay I'll stop now.

Anyways, you would think that Illumi, being an assassin with years of training, would be able to kill them easily.

Unfortunately, that could never be more wrong. As Illumi quickly found out, Gown was a main character. Which obviously means he's unkillable. 

Illumi would know, he tried. Many, many, many times.

Illumi let out a small hum as he glanced over at you. He slid a package of fruit snacks in your direction before going back to watching Killua and Gown as if nothing happened.

They had escaped after being held hostage by the Clown—He's-ok-a? If Illumi remembers correctly?—for a week. They were completely free from that walking crime to fashion. Safely away from the abomination that called itself a magician.

But then they??? kept going back??? to the clown??? 

They asked him??? for advice??? on random things??? 

They were free??? and didn't need??? to be near??? that abomination??? 

Why??? do they keep??? going back??? to the clown's room???

The clown??? Why does??? it exist??? Why do they??? willingly??? spend time??? near it??? 

Does Gown??? and Killua??? need??? mental help??? 

They had fully escaped the clown. The clown did not follow them. They were doing their own thing. They were free. They could do whatever they wanted. Steal anything they needed, and threatened people for information. They had done all of that. They're fully capable of it and clearly not morally against it. But. They. Kept. Going. Back. To. The. Clown.

They created more and more excuses to go back to the clown. Including, but not limited to:

"We need to make sure he's not doing anything weird"

"He probably has advice on how to hide a body."

"He should know how to calmly drown oneself!"

"He has food."

"Magic tricks are necessary for mental health, everyone knows this"

"I don't want to deal with all the cops today. Guess we should hide in his room."

"I need to insult him, destroy his ego bit by bit."

"We should convince Hisoka to marry Chrollo for tax benefits. Oh, and then they can adopt us for extra benefits!"

"We're fucking homeless, Gon."

"He's an professional pedophile, he'll know how to legally set orphans on fire."

"He can make this soup less liquidy."

"Does he know how to become an ice cream store? We better check."

"We need to break his window again, duh."

"He's magic, right? He can help us teach the penguins we stole how to hang glide!"

"He'll help us survive the almighty slipper, right?"

"We must bath a find. For the research. He owns. A bath. No I'm drunk not. Stop saying that, Kiulla."

And many more. They'd do whatever they want. Commit great atrocities that makes the Phantom Troupe look tame. And then go back to the clown's place and make a peanut butter and banana sandwich. 

It confused Illumi greatly and Illumi did not like being confused.

So Illumi watched. And waited for an opening to kill the Green One without Kil knowing that Illumi was the one to do it.

It had been a month and there was no opening. Never an opening. Gown never gave an opening, always on full alert. Why can't Gown just be a horror movie protagonist.

Illumi fears the moldy-bread-looking child. The power the Green One is too great. 

—

Gon and Killua didn't notice Illumi stalking them. Well, they pretended not to notice at least. Because if they did notice, which they obviously did not why would you suggest such a thing, they'd have to acknowledge that that Illumi's hair... it's short. 

Gon and Killua shuddered as they imagined it. It just felt so.. so wrong. It's supposed to be long. Illumi is a Pantene model. An Emo Rapunzel, if you will. 

So the logical solution is to do whatever it takes to not look at him. They do not see him. He is not there. Illumi? Never heard of him. What's the silhouette of a person on top of the roof? Clearly a mannequin. Why would a mannequin be on a roof? To scare away pigeons, obviously.

Why- stop asking questions. It's a mannequin. Not Illumi. Because Illumi has long hair at that does not. Don't tell them to get out of denial. They aren't in denial. Because that's clearly not Illumi.

At the moment Gon and Killua were heading back to Heavens Arena. They committed zero crimes along the way.

Is what I would say if they committed zero crimes. But they actually committed multiple crimes along the way. This is because they're gay, and are therefore illegally obligated to do crimes.  

"Ooo! Ice cream!" Gon tugged on the sleeve of Killua's shirt. The compost-bin like child excitedly pointed at an ice cream store across the street.

"We aren't getting ice cream." Killua stated firmly, fearing for his wallets safety. 

"But-" Gon tried to complain, immediately getting interrupted by the other boy.

"No."

"Killua-"

"Nope. Never again. Not after last time."

Gon continued tugging on Killua's sleeve in attempt to annoy the other boy into submission. When he got no response, he had to resort to ..different tactics. He's going to get his ice cream no matter what. "I'll use puppy dog eyes."

He got the ice cream.

Fun Facts:

• Me: says that this isn't an xreader story

Also me: includes the reader as part of the story(you've been demoted to a non-speaking role, you are but a faint blob that only exists to collect free food from Illumi.)

• My brain after 17 hours of staring at the page and not writing a single word because I forgot how to think, 8 hours of writing and deleting words, 19 hours of editing and switching the places of things to fit better, and a month of being indecisive: "what if we deleted the whole chapter and started over from scratch"

Me, shaking in a mix of fear, sleep deprivation, and caffeine highs: "no, no no no nonono, bad idea bad idea" *opens head and removes brain, sprays it with water to punish it's bad behavior, places brain back into head.* 

• Minor property damage may have happened to the ice cream store. I mean, it's simply not possible to enter an ice cream store and not commit light arson, you know? 

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Killua and Gon will become law abiding citizens 

This chapter begins directly after Killua threw Gon, and himself, out of Hisoka's window in chapter 5. 

And I mean directly after. As in, they're literally falling right now. Holy shit, somebody should catch them before they die. Fuck, why did they think that was a good idea? Windows need a warning that tells you to keep small children away from them. Hisoka you're a terrible parent. Wow they've been falling for a long time. 

Killua dug his yo-yo out of his pocket, using it to catch himself before he hits the ground. This is definitely logical. 

Killua gracefully landed on the ground, his feet hitting the pavement with a small thud. He stuffed his yo-yo back into his pocket and turned around to see where Gon had landed, quickly finding a Gon-shaped hole in the pavement.

Killua, being a true friend, began laughing his ass off. Offering no help to his Kermit-the-frog-like friend

Gon groaned and began the slow and painful process of escaping the hole. After a couple minutes of struggle, and no help from Killua, he finally managed to free himself. His clothes now covered in dirt, grime, shards of glass, and blood.

Killua, who had no injuries and not even a spec of dust on his white shirt, only laughed harder at the sight. Only adding to Gon's annoyance. Unfortunately for Killua, six year old Gon was made out of pure spite.

"Killua, my dearest best friend," Gon said in a tone that only promised pain and suffering, "why don't you give me a nice big hug?" Gon took a small step closer to Killua, his arms now outstretched. Gon was still covered head to toe in cuts, grime, and blood. Saying that he looked absolutely terrifying was an understatement.

The white-haired boy immediately stopped laughing. Quickly backing away from the green-haired child in response. Looking at the other boy in fear as he let out a rushed "Wait, wait, wait, we can talk this out, right? Gon? Gon pleas-"

They could not talk this out. Rest In Pieces, Killua Zoldick. Lived to age fourteen, died at age six.

—

After confirming that Hisoka was not looking for them, they went off to do... well, whatever they wanted. They were completely free from Hisoka, the Zoldycks, and most importantly, those disgusting ant hybrid whores.

Finally having complete freedom, away from any obligations, really was a nice change of pace.

Which is obviously why they came up with an excuse to go see Hisoka again within twenty four hours. Freedom gets boring quick, okay? 

"I mean, we need to make sure he's not doing anything weird." Killua said. See, the two children had been coming up with excuses for the past hour and a half. I mean, reasons, definitely not excuses. Because this is obviously just to keep an eye on potential threats.

"Yeah." Gon nodded in agreement. "Plus he probably has more advice on how to hide a body!" Gon added helpfully. Just another excus- reason to go see Hisoka, you know? Simply for their own safety and nothing else.

They merrily continued on their way to Heavens Arena, where Hisoka was currently residing.

"So..." Killua began as he and Gon entered the elevator. He waited until the elevator doors closed to continue, "I call not it on talking to Hisoka."

"Hey!" Gon immediately turned towards his taller, and more fashionable friend(Killua made me write this, please hel-) "I was gonna call not it! You can't do that!"

"Can too. Rules of Not It says so."

"Well I call double not it on talking to Hisoka then!"

"Nuh-uh, rules of Not It say you can't do that."

"The rules of Not It are dumb! Why don't we play Rock Paper Scissors instead!"

Killua immediately began getting war flashbacks of dodgeball in Greed Island, quickly shook his head, "Nope. Already called not it. You have to go talk to Hisoka." 

"You can't make me do anything!" 

"You can play with my hair for thirty-two whole seconds." 

Gon agreed to talk to Hisoka. 

Gon didn't bother beating up Hisoka's door for some lunch money, as the door didn't have any lunch money. Instead he simply opened the door and poked his head inside. He and Hisoka made direct eye contact and stared at each other in silence until Gon asked "Do you know how to hide a body? Me and Killua are running out of ideas."

Gon left the room with a new list of ideas. And a new concern for why the fuck does Hisoka know all of this.

Oh well, it's not his problem.

"What's on the list?" Killua asked curiously. Wait, doesn't curiosity kill the cat?? Will Killua be alrigh- No, no, nope, Killua is a human. Killua will be okay because he's not a cat.

"Whatever happened to 'Hi, how are you?'" Gon mumbled underneath his breath as he begrudgingly handed Killua the list Hisoka had given him.

Killua quickly began reading the long list of ways to cover up a murder. The mischievous glint in the boy's eyes grew brighter and brighter as he continued reading. "Gon, I know what we're gonna do today." Killua said without looking up from the list. 

Many lives were lost that day. The Author can't even write what the children did without switching this fanfic's rating to Mature.

—

Was this safe? No. Was it smart? Also no. Did it have any chance of success whatsoever? Absolutely not. Was Gon going to do it anyways? Yes.

"This isn't going to work, and you're going to die." Killua stated. Gon didn't bother listening. If he took everything Killua said as the truth, he would believe that chocolate was created from cocoa beans. Making it a vegetable. Which simply isn't possible. I mean, if you're gonna lie you could at least be less obvious about it. 

Gon continued on with his work, paying no mind to Killua. He needed to stay focused.

"Whatever," Killua huffed and turned around, already beginning to walk away, "I'm going back to Heaven's Arena."

"Are you going to check up on Hisoka?" Gon asked without bothering to turn around. 

"Yeah. He's magic so he should know how to calmly drown oneself." Killua answered. He didn't look back as he walked away from the green-haired maniac. 

Gon chose not to question his cat-like friend's suicidal tendencies. He has nine lives anyways, right?

—

Gon was currently evading yet another "surprise attack" from Killua. He was actually getting quite good at sensing when Killua was about to attack. He remembers one night when he shot up out of bed and jumped out the window just in time to avoid his bed exploding into smithereens.

Fun times.

After a long game of cat and mouse, where Killua, who is most definitely a human, was the cat, and Gon was the mouse. Killua had finally got bored and stopped relentlessly attacking Gon.

Gon, finally being able to get food without risk of broken legs, began searching through the cupboards. 

"Killua?" The green one called.

"Yeah?" 

"We don't have any food."

"So?" Killua looked over at Gon, a confused look on the white-haired boy's face. He gestured for Gon to hurry up and explain the problem.

"...humans need food to survive?" Gon said like it was obvious. 

"Oh." For a moment Killua wondered what other knowledge his green-haired human 'friend' possessed. But Gon must be dying of starvation right now, when was the last time the human ate? One hour? Two? Three even? This problem must be solved quickly. "Does Hisoka have food?" Killua asked.

"He has food." Gon confirmed.

They were invading Hisoka's kitchen within the hour.

—

"Magic tricks are necessary for mental health, everyone knows this." Gon stated matter-of-factly. 

"Magic tricks aren't-" Killua tried to argue but got immediately interrupted by Gon. 

"Which one of us knew that humans needed food to survive?" In response to his own question, Gon raised his hand. After nobody else—meaning Killua, as he was the only other alive person in that room—raised their hand Gon lowered his own. A look of satisfaction on the boy's face as his point was now proven.

Killua remained silent for a moment before reluctantly admitting his loss, "...okay, fine."

A couple hours later Killua would admit that magic tricks are good for mental health. 

—

"I don't want to deal with all the cops today." Killua groaned, collapsing on the stolen couch. "Guess we should hide in his room." 'His' meaning Hisoka's. Killua doesn't like that name. It's a dumb name.

"Killua, why are the cops after you?" 

"Us, actually." Killua corrected and tilted his head to look at Gon. "I framed you."

"Wha-"

"If we go down, we go down together."

"I don't think that means framing your friends for crimes."

"What else would it mean?"

"I-" 

The sound of sirens getting closer interrupted the boys' argument. They were out of that house—that they got legally—within ten seconds. And in Hisoka's room, eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches, in less than ten minutes.

—

"I need to insult him, destroy his ego bit by bit." Killua said with a shit-eating grin. 

What can he say, Killua enjoys the simple things in life. Like harassing pedophile clowns.

—

Has anyone ever warned you on how dangerous PowerPoint presentations are? How much chaos you can convince other people to cause? How many pictures of cannibal groundhogs you can put on a single slide? The amount of fear you can see in your friend's and family's eyes as you show them the most fucked up, mentally ill, insane asylum worthy, things? It's glorious.

This is obviously why Gon and Killua have power point presentation nights every Friday.

"...and that's why Hisoka and Chrollo were most definitely married in the First Run. Meaning their fight was the Divorce Arc." Killua concluded his presentation. Both the boys had started referring to the before-time-traveling as the First Run. And the after-time-traveling as the Second Run.

"We should convince Hisoka to marry Chrollo for tax benefits." Gon nodded excitedly, "Oh, and then they can adopt us for extra benefits!"

"Gon, I never though I'd say this to you of all people, but that's genius." Killua said, managing to both insult and compliment Gon at the same time. 

—

"We're fucking homeless, Gon."

"It's not my fault microwaving grapes creates plasma!"

"You- wait, grapes? The microwaved lemons are what caused the explosion."

"..." Gon stayed silent.

"Gon, look at me." Killua grabbed the other boys face and forced Gon to look at him. This could've been romantic if there wasn't a look of absolute terror on Killua's face. "Gon, what grapes?"

Gon bit his tongue, staying perfectly silent.

"What all did you microwave Gon." Killua asked, looking even more concerned.

He used Zetsu, becoming as close to invisible as Nen would allow. Killua could still see him.

"Gon, did you eat the grapes."

Gon looked away. 

"Gon-"

—

"He's an professional pedophile, he'll know how to legally set orphans on fire." Killua said after their third escape from the cops today. Realistically the cops posed no threat to Gon and Killua. They were just very, very, very annoying. Imagine Hisoka level of annoying times ten.

Maybe they should stop committing crimes?

...nah, that sounds boring. 

—

"He can make this soup less liquidy."

Killua wasn't drunk, why would you say that. Killua obviously didn't forget that his six year old body wasn't fully immune to poisons, sicknesses, and alcohol. Why would you even suggest such a thing.

—

"Does he know how to become an ice cream store? We better check." Dave asked. I mean, Hisoka is magic after all. That means he can do anything, right?

In the background Killua and Gon happily ate their ice cream cones and didn't bother wondering who Dave was. If that even is his real name.

—

"We need to break his window again, duh." Killua said. Killua is a simple human who only wants three things in life. To break things, to annoy Hisoka, and to knock things off of tables.

"So you want to go to Heavens Arena. Use the elevator all the way up to the two-hundredth floor. Trespass into Hisoka's room, when he could quite literally be having sex right now. And then jump out his window."

"Yes."

"Sounds fun, let's do it."

—

"He's magic, right?" Gon asked, already knowing that the answer was 'yes' and that Hisoka could therefore do anything, "He can help us teach the penguins we stole how to hang glide!" 

"Gon... y-you... robbed a zoo ..w-without me?" Killua asked, his voice cracking.

"I didn't rob anything! I simply open the cages and freed them. ...And maybe took a couple penguins home.."

"Without me..?"

"Look I'm sorry-"

"You forgot about me? You betrayed Killua? Oh! Oh! Jail for the grass boy! Jail for one thousand years!"

Gon spent the next two hours apologizing.

—

"He'll help us survive the almighty slipper, right?" Gon asked nervously. He was planning his escape plan for when he would eventually go back to Whale Island. He can already imagine how it would go. Mito will be mad. Shoes will be thrown. Lives will be lost.

—

"We must bath a find. For the research. He owns. A bath. No I'm drunk not. Stop saying that, Kiulla." Gon mumbled, his words slurring together. 

Despite what he had just said Gon was, in fact, very drunk. He and was now relying on Killua to lead him home, both of them now soaking wet due to the pouring rain.

Killua has been having him walk in circles for half an hour. He finds this hilarious. It'd be very unfortunate if Gon got a cold after this.

Fun Facts:

• This chapter, and the chapter before it happen kind of at the same time. It's just from different Point of views, Chapter 6 was Illumi's, and now, Chapter 7, is Gon and Killua's. This is because I've been wanting write about the How Do I stuff but keep getting distracted- I meant to write it in Chapter 5- (that plan definitely failed though, thank you my undiagnosed adhd.)

• Me realizing that I could have named this book The Night We Met and made it seem all beautiful to help disguise the crackfic-ness: *shocked Pikachu face*

• Definitely would be such a shame if a certain someone got a very serious cold in the next chapter. Really would be very unfortunate. 

Chapter Text

The author has been given multiple glasses of apple juice today. This is not a good idea. The author's bones are shaking because their skeleton is doing the Macarena right under their warm, oozy, flesh. The will aggressively Skeleton-Macarena towards you at high speeds if you do not eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today.

[Edit: the author getting drunk off of apple juice is a running joke. Because every time they drink apple juice and then write, the writing is extremely chaotic and stupid.]

"You can't make me do anything, you fucking clown!" Killua shouted as he vaulted over a couch. 

"Rest is recommended for the sick, dear ♢" Hisoka repeated for what was probably the seventh hundred time. Fucking annoying clown thing. 

"I'm in pristine condition, you- you-" Killua took a moment trying to find a good insult. Finally, after a long moment or silence, he blurted the first insult that came to mind. "clown." 

Which he had already used and was now excessively uncreative. Killua quickly came to the obvious conclusion that Hisoka had done brain surgery on him while he was asleep and that's why his mind was betraying him. 

"..How creative ♤" Hisoka almost looked like he wanted to take a permanent nap. Also commonly referred to as death.

Killua, for only split second, thought Hisoka's tone sounded vaguely like a very exhausted mother's would. He then immediately purged this thought from his brain. Focusing on strategically crawling across the ceiling to avoid Hisoka's bungee gum. Hisoka had clearly planted the thought into his brain during the brain surgery. 

Killua instead focused on the fact that the ugly clown had the audacity to commit illegal brain surgery crimes on him. And then- then he made fun of Killua when he's the problem Killua can't think correctly in the first place. Hisoka had the audacity to magic surgery Killua's brain in his sleep and then make fun of him for it. He- he fucking bippity-boppity-booed his brain and Killua knows it. 

(I tried writing Hisoka's name as Hisoko and then, in a moment of pure logic, switched it to Hisoki and then, realizing my mistake, switched it to Hisoke-)

Killua's going to tell Gon about this and then they'll see who'll be laughing then. Gon would definitely believe him over the clown anyways, right?

Now, for the reader's viewing pleasure, we should go back to the beginning. You may remember the end of last chapter. In which Killua was, ironically, trying to make Gon catch a cold. This was done by Killua keeping them both in the pouring rain for at least thirty minutes. 

Now, before we move onto, you need to keep in mind that Killua is not aware that he's in a (poorly written) fanfiction. This is relevant for two reasons. 

One: Killua cannot break the fourth wall. 

And, Two: He cannot see what the author has written and therefore can't notice the foreshadowing.

Otherwise he would've known that the author mentioned that Killua's six year old body "wasn't fully immune to sicknesses." Which would have resulted in Killua not spending excessive amounts of time in last night's rain storm.

An unfortunate problem. 

...that was caused solely by Hisoka, of course. And not the author's fault at all. Why would Hisoka even do such a thing? Pure evil. 

Anyways, onto the start of Killua's miserable morning after h̶e̶ g̶o̶t̶ a̶ c̶o̶l̶d̶ Hisoka did brain surgery on him while he was peacefully asleep and oblivious to his surroundings. 

You see, Killua refused to believe he had a cold. This is because Killua has never had a cold before. So he was therefore incapable of noticing the symptoms of a cold.

I'm sure many of you have unfortunately caught a cold before. I can see how that would make it difficult for you to understand what Killua is currently feeling. 

So, to help you out, imagine if you woke up one day and couldn't stop cartwheeling. The first symptom of the infamous cartwheel disease. Now, please also imagine that prior to getting the cartwheel disease you were incapable of doing a cartwheel.

You simply wouldn't believe that you had this disease. In fact you might think people made up this disease. (Which is not true, of course. As someone who is frequently infected by the cartwheel disease, I can tell you that it is very real) This would cause you all varying degrees of confusion and stress.

That is much like what Killua is feeling right now. 

As everyone knows, dealing with someone who has a cold and is also a theater kid at heart is very annoying. This annoyingness is multiplied by thirty-two when you have a terrible hangover. This is why Gon chose to abandon Killua. If Silva can do it, so can Gon.

"I'm going to get medicine." Gon said, already hurrying to put his shoes on. He was more than happy to pretend this was for Killua's sake and not because he desperately needed pain meds for his hangover. Obviously just for Killua. 

Though Gon will admit he was slightly concerned about Killua's ridiculously high fever. All internet sources was telling him that Killua was going to die in a matter of minutes. Which was obviously why getting Killua medicine was a high priority. ...right below getting himself some pain medicine for this goddamn hangover.

"No, Gon, don't leave me with him!" Killua whined.

Gon ignored Killua's pleas as he rushed out the door.

This was unfortunate for Killua. See, Killua and Gon live with Hisoka. Hisoka did not consent to this, but that's not relevant to the plot. What is relevant is that Gon leaving means that Hisoka and Killua are now left alone together.

If this wasn't a crackfic Gon would never leave the two together. But, unfortunately for Killua's wellbeing, this is a crackfic. Thus Killua and Hisoka were, in fact, abandoned by Gon and left alone together.

"Im afraid that, as the only adult in your life," Hisoka began talking. Killua was not pleased with this new development. That did not stop Hisoka from continuing, "I'm obligated to take care of you~ ♡"

"Fuck you," Killua replied with the best comeback known to mankind. Then he realized who he was talking to and quickly added "Not literally, stay away from me."

Hisoka ignored Killua's comments in favor of being a little bitch "It's recommended for the sick to rest~ ♡"

This was very insulting because Killua was not sick, and definitely did not need to be taken care of. Killua showed his displeasure by saying "Die in a hole." 

Yet another marvelous comeback by Killua. How will Hisoka ever recover from such psychological trauma?

"Who would take care of you then? ♧" Whether or not Hisoka actually cared was still up for debate. It is very likely that he just wishes to annoy Killua. Very diabolical.

In response, Killua threw a vase at Hisoka. He missed. It actually just flew by Hisoka, which wasn't very harmful. Killua aim being shitty was obviously Hisoka's fault. And not in any way related to a sickness that Killua does not have. 

Hisoka, now able to plead self-defense, used his ability—which contains the properties of both rubber and gum—in an attempt to forcefully make Killua a leash kid.

Killua gracefully dodged the bungee gum. If your definition of gracefully is that he fell flat on his face and broke his nose. As this is most likely not your definition of gracefully, Killua did not gracefully dodge the bungee gum. But he did successfully dodge, so that should count for something.

Killua quickly recovered and yote himself onto the ceiling. This caused minor property damage to Hisoka's ceiling. Killua did not care. 

This is how their game of cat and mouse began. Though most people don't refer to a sexual predator chasing a child in order to get the child onto a bed as "a simple game of cat and mouse." 

"Killua, you need to rest. Crawling on ceilings is not recommended for the sick, ♧" Hisoka lied. Killua had just edited a Wikipedia article, making it now say that crawling across the ceiling was very recommended for the sick. Killua is right, and Hisoka is wrong.

Killua: 1

Hisoka: 0

Hisoka, still wishing to make Killua a leash kid, used his ability—the one that contains the properties of both rubber and gum—yet again.

Killua actually does not want to be a leash kid, believe it or not. This is why he dodged the bungee gum(which contains the properties of both rubber and gum), only breaking his left leg in the process. Very graceful, if you ask me. 

"I-" Killua leaped off of the kitchen counter and onto the couch, "fucking-" he began climbing up the wall, "hate-" he tossed a nearby chair in Hisoka's general direction, "you." 

The chair missed and actually just flew right out the window. 

Hisoka was not impressed with Killua's chair throwing skills. It was really a skill all assassins should master, you know?

This continued for another thirteen minutes. Hisoka's home sustaining more and more damage by the second, courtesy of Killua. Hisoka was not pleased with this as he, like many pedophile clowns, did not have insurance.

Killua was also sustaining more and more damage, courtesy of Killua. Though he chooses to blame it all on Hisoka. 

"Killua, you really should stop~" Hisoka said mostly for his home's sake, "You're only hurting yourself, dear ♤" Pretending it was for Killua's sake wouldn't hurt though. 

"You can't make me do anything, you fucking clown!" Killua shouted as he vaulted over a couch. 

Oh, and would you look at that, we're back at where the chapter started! Of course it doesn't actually end there. This is because K̶i̶l̶l̶u̶a̶ r̶e̶f̶u̶s̶e̶s̶ t̶o̶ l̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶ t̶o̶ r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ Hisoka is a little bitch.

Killua continued evading Hisoka's attacks. Well, "Attacks" is a little bit wrong seeing how Hisoka just wants his house to stop being destroyed. Which is a relatively normal thing to want. 

"Killua, you are destroying my house ♤" Hisoka said calmly. Hisoka was mentally screaming because his house was flooding, his walls we're destroyed, he has no unbroken chairs, his ceiling had dents in it, his window was shattered, and Killua was still somehow the most damaged thing in the room.

Killua made the smart choice of falling off the ceiling. He only broke three fingers in the process, very impressive. Killua elected to ignore the pain in his fingers as he ducked and rolled underneath the table, using it as temporary cover to shout  "Get my pretty name out of your mouth!" 

"That's copyrighted, the author would prefer not to face legal issues ♤" Hisoka was now standing across the table from Killua. Meaning they were in a temporary stalemate. If any of you have siblings, you will probably understand that Killua has used the table-trick. A very dirty, but very effective tactic. 

For those of you do not have siblings, I will explain the best I can. Which is not very well. If Hisoka moves to one side of the table, Killua will move to the other side. Hisoka could run around and around the table for hours and still never catch the child. Crawling over or under the table would take to long and give Killua time to escape. 

There's no way to win. 

"Killu-" Hisoka tried to start negotiations and was immediately interrupted.

"That's gay." Killua countered. Whatever Hisoka was about to say was probably gay anyways. 

That was uncalled for. Hisoka hadn't even said anything yet.

"You-"

"Gay."

"N-"

"Gayer than a horse high on caffeine."

Hisoka chose not to question that for his own sanity. 

"Gay ♢" Hisoka said quickly, using the gay version of a Uno reverse.

"That's- wait, what?"

"You need to go rest ♡"

Killua: 1

Hisoka: 1

"Rest is for the mentally stable!" Killua argued. "Plus I can't sleep without my emotional support Gon."

Hisoka had to admit that was a very good argument. But this was also a purrfect time to avenge his house and annoy Killua. So Hisoka didn't care about what the young child (who is most definitely not a time traveler) said.

While they were talking, Killua forgot the very important fact that Hisoka was a Nen user. This means Hisoka could use his ability, bungee gum,—which contains the properties of both rubber and gum—to restrain Killua.

This is exactly what happened, as Killua found himself being flung across the table at high speeds. Killua used his claws to scratch the table in a a last-ditch attempt to avoid Hisoka. This made a sound that was very similar to nails on a chalkboard. Not only was it unpleasant it also trashed one of the last undamaged things in Hisoka's house.

Alas, Killua's attempt did not succeed. The young boy found himself being abducted by a worse version of pennywise with no hope for escape.

"I will-" Killua struggled in Hisoka's grasp in an attempt to escape, this was not very effective "fucking-" he continued struggling to no avail "kill you-" he attempted to bite Hisoka, this also failed, which was probably for the best as Hisoka was a masochist "you fucking clown."

Hisoka simply gave Killua a closed-eye smiled in response. For some reason Hisoka's smile made him look quite innocent-ish, as can be seen in the anime whenever Hisoka talks to Machi.

Killua had decided that Hisoka had a stupid smile. Killua has also decided that Hisoka had a stupid face. And stupid fashion sense. And- well, you get the point.

Hisoka didn't say anything in response to Killua's insults, per usual. He simply ruffled Killua's hair in an attempt to annoy him further. 

Hisoka's expectations was to lose at least three fingers to Killua's ridiculously sharp teeth.

Hisoka was, like usual, very wrong. The "like usual" is there because this chapter is mainly from Killua's pov. Killua doesn't like Hisoka much. You probably just didn't notice because it's very subtle.

Killua would later claim that he did not collapse into Hisoka's arms and fall asleep. As that is not something he would do. And if he did fall asleep clinging onto Hisoka, which he didn't, it would be because of the brain surgery. And not because of having a high fever, being completely delirious, suffering from Nen exhaustion, and being in large amounts of pain. Because that's not what happened. Trust.

I would like to take this time to mention that this is actually the reason why crawling on ceilings is not recommended for the sick. As it usual ends up with falling asleep in a sexual predator's arms. Which, in most people's opinions, is not a desirable outcome.

—

Gon very slowly opened the door, just enough to poke his head through. He looked around for any signs of the menace to society that he called his friend. After seeing no signs that Killua was still alive, Gon let out a sigh of relief and silently slipped inside the room.

Gon had actually been back for awhile. But he had made the logical decision of staying outside of the room until the screaming stopped.

...And then he waited an extra thirty minutes. For safety purposes.

Gon slowly began searching the house, just to be sure. He passed by Hisoka's room and dropped the bag containing the medicine.

Nothing was wrong with Hisoka, of course. Well nothing new was wrong with Hisoka, only the usual things. 

The problem was actually Killua. Who was passed out, buried in multiple blankets, and clinging to Hisoka

Gon simply stared in shock. Killua clinging to Hisoka was not normal. It was actually the complete opposite of normal. After the shock wore off, Gon finally realized what happened.

Hisoka had done brain surgery on Killua while Gon was getting medicine.

Fun Facts:

• Canon: *exists*

Me softly, while shaking my head: no

• Wanted Killua and Hisoka's relationship to change a bit. Also never gotten to write sick/characters before and it was quite tempting. I don't think it needs to be clarified, but because Hisoka is a pedophile, THIS ISN'T ROMANTIC/SEXUAL AT ALL! Killua is just a sick little guy(who has a fever so high his brain might literally be melting). And author is insane bastard and shouldn't be allowed near apple juice. 

• Headcanon: Ever since Killua escaped from the Zoldycks he has absolutely despised following orders. So much so that he goes out of his way to avoid following them at all costs. The only exceptions are Gon and Mito (and Bisky, but that's a fear response-)

Killua, literally just about to take a bite of a sandwich he made:

Person: "oh, you should make sure to eat something today!"

Killua, throwing the sandwich away: "You can't make me do anything."

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or I'll stop telling my mom and dad "Don't let Hisoka steal your toes" every night when they're about to go to sleep

It was a normal Wednesday for Gon Freecss and Killua Zoldyck. In which the two boys ate breakfast, started a manhunt, went on a date, pet some stray cats, and took refuge in Chrollo Lucilfer's house.

It was not a normal Wednesday for Chrollo Lucilfer. In which the cult leader ate breakfast, watched the news, committed light murder, read a book, and got held hostage(?) by two small children.

It was not a normal Wednesday for Isaac Netero. In which the chairman of the Hunter's association prayed, ate breakfast, trained, did paperwork, and got his Hunter License stolen.

—

Killua Zoldyck and Gon Freecss woke up on Wednesday. This was quite normal as most humans do not sleep for over twenty four hours at a time. 

"Humans sleep for weeks at a time" factoid actually just a statistical error. Average person sleeps around 8 hours at a time. Illuminati Zoldick, who puts people into eternal rest mode and then sleeps for three weeks, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.

Gon and Killua made breakfast, using food that they had most definitely not stolen from Hisoka. 

Sadly, they didn't account for the fact that they had no idea how to cook. This lead to accidental arson, which was very different from arson done on purpose. 

As this is not common knowledge, I will offer the most accurate method of figuring out whether the arson was accidental or not. 

You can tell by the screams.

If the people who started the fire are screaming, the arson was most likely accidental.

If the people who started the fire are cackling like maniacs, the arson was most likely on purpose.

Now, while this method is the most accurate, it is not always accurate. For instance, Gon was currently screaming and attempting to put the fire out. But, in the background, Killua was cackling like a maniac. This may cause slight confusion, and make you think that Killua started the fire. This is untrue, as it is actually Hisoka's fault.

After putting out the fire, they made the smart—but less chaotic—decision of never trying to cook again. So they just went out to eat instead.

During breakfast, they had decided to not do anything dramatic today. Just a nice, peaceful, harmless, normal Wednesday. 

Unfortunately for everyone else, the two boy's definition of normal is a bit different from everyone else's. 

—

Chrollo Lucilfer, unlike Gon and Killua, did not need to plan wether or not he would have a normal Wednesday. See, he usually had normal Wednesdays. This is because he's not as weird as Gon and Killua are. 

He made himself breakfast, managing to not burn anything down. Killua will later claim the Chrollo was actually very close to accidental arson, he just used a stolen ability to reduce the damage. This is very untrue. Killua, and his incredibly large ego, refuses to listen to reason.

Chrollo luckily didn't have to worry about making other people breakfast, as he lives alone. A fact that he isn't planning on changing anytime soon. 

I mean, he even keeps the troupe away from him. He really enjoys his alone time. So obviously he wouldn't (willingly) change that anytime soon. 

—

Isaac Netero woke up on Wednesday morning. He didn't mind this. In fact he actually enjoys mornings. A silly little guy indeed. 

Due to it not being a Monday, it was a beautiful morning. The sun was just beginning to rise, a beautiful mix of orange and pink coloring the sky. 

Because of this, Netero chose to do his regular morning prayer outside today. He sat down on his porch, taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of the morning beach.

As he began to pray, he got a nice feeling that nothing would go wrong today. Just a perfectly normal day. With no problems whatsoever.

—

Killua and Gon held hands as they left the cafe they had eaten breakfast at. This was just incase they had to cross the street and not in any way related to being gay. Just two guys being dudes. (I couldn't find a rhyme for a male version of "gals being pals" and it makes me sad)

They went for a stroll on the beach. Killua started collecting seashells as Gon excitedly talked about animals he had found on Whale Island. Killua had heard the story many, many times before but he never interrupted Gon. This is a good way to deal with neurodivergent boyfriends. I mean, friends. Definitely not boyfriends. Haha, haha..

"Oh, oh! And then, then after I had picked it up- Hey, is that Mr Netero?" 

Killua looked up from sea shells he was arranging on the ground in the form of a heart. "Oh, it is." Killua confirmed, squinting at the vague silhouette of Netero, "I think he's praying?"

"Ooh! We should go say hi! I haven't seen him since he died in a couple years from now!" Gon failed to notice how this sentence made no sense.

"I mean it's either that or we steal his Hunter License." Killua said jokingly.

Gon let out a small laugh. See, Isaac Netero was someone they deeply respected. His sacrifice during the Chimera Ant incident was the only reason the world hadn't become overrun by the Ants. 

The two stayed in silence for a bit, just standing on the beach.

"I mean.."

"We could.." 

"It probably won't work anyways, right?"

"Yeah, just for shits and giggles, you know?"

"Even if it does work, we'll just return later, right?"

"I mean, it probably won't cause too many issues..."

They stole his Hunter License, as one does. See, if he didn't want it stolen, he would've kept it on him. Rookie mistake, you know? It actually wasn't their fault.

Really, if we're going to blame people, blame Hisoka.

—

Chrollo Lucilfer turned on his tv. Letting the news channel act as background noise while he began doing his crossword puzzle.

He wasn't planning to pay the news any mind. But he decided that the Twelfth Chairman of the Hunter Association losing his Hunter License was a bit more interesting.

"A manhunt has already been organized for the License Thief." The reporter, a relatively attractive young man, said "The Hunter Association is offering a fifty-billion dollar reward for whoever returns the License to its rightful owner..." 

"Fascinating," Chrollo whispered, forgetting all about the crossword that had previously held his attention. "Truly fascinating.."

"We have word that dozens of Hunters have already began hunting down the culprit..." 

Chrollo doubted that the thief, or thieves, would survive for long. It took either a lot of courage, or a lot if stupidity, to do something like that.

He couldn't help but be impressed. Managing to pull that off and disappear without a trace? Causing chaos on such a large scale? They most definitely had Chrollo's respect.

—

Isaac Netero was, unlike most Hunters, very amused by this ordeal. While he did need his License back soon, it wasn't one of his top priorities. Apparently other Hunters had much, much different priorities than him. They kept trying to tell him how "serious" this matter was, and how they had to "hunt down the Thief immediately" and "give the Thief the punishment they deserve."

Netero had faith that Ging would find the thief soon enough. I mean, Ging could conquer everything other than dealing with his child. Which, seeing how Netero's License being stolen had nothing to do with Ging's child, all would be fine.

Right?

Netero, deciding that his Hunter License was safe and would not be missing for long, merrily ate his cereal. 

The cereal had actually been discontinued years earlier due to not having enough buyers. But Netero convinced(read as: threatened) the people to bring it back. Many lives were lost that day. But, on the bright side, they were now able to advertise that the cereal was "to die for!" 

:)

—

Killua and Gon were not aware that they had a bounty on their heads. In fact, they had already forgotten about the illegally acquired Hunter License in Killua's back pocket.

After stealing the Hunter License they continued with their stroll on the beach. They had assumed that Netero would find them very easily.

But, apparently, the beach was the last place anyone checked for the License thief. I mean, someone who stole the Chairman's Hunter License would obviously try to get as far away as possible, right? Right???

Unfortunately Gon and Killua were still not aware of the manhunt. Though, when they do end up finding out, they will solely focus on the fact that Hunters around the world were now referring to them as "the Thief". Implying that they were the best thief. Quite the compliment.

"Gon!" Killua called, drawing the green-haired boy's attention, "The ice cream stand is open!"

Gon's head snapped up, this was actually quite terrifying but nobody made any comment. Well, unless the child running away screaming counts. Gon's eyes lit up with excitement, the green-haired boy already abandoning the sandcastle he had previously been building. "Race you there! Loser had to pay for the ice cream!" Gon shouted, already rushing off and giving himself an unfair advantage.

"Hey!" Killua quickly followed suit, racing after Gon, "That's not fair!" 

—

Chrollo hummed softly as he washed the blood off of his hands. He ignored the groans and whimpers of the people slowly bleeding out. 

After all, it was their own fault for making so much noise while Chrollo was trying to read. It's really quite rude to be so loud in a library.

Chrollo may be fine with murder, but he draws the line at minor inconveniences. 

He left the dying people behind as he headed back to the library. Now that the nuisances were disposed of, he had a book to finish.

—

The Hunters Association was in complete chaos. Everyone but the Chairman, who was currently doing his daily training without a care in the world, was hurrying to find the Thief. They checked cameras, flight tickets, all the registered Nen users, basically everywhere but the beach that the Thief was definitely not at.

"Where's Steve!?"

"I don't fucking know who that is!!"

"Can you all shut the fuck up I'm trying to hack here!"

"You don't even know how to hack!"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Fuck me yourself, you coward!"

"Someone please tell me how to become ambidextrous in the next five minutes!!"

"Okay, hear me out, the Thief didn't actually have a teleportation ability, but a invisibility one! They're actually just hiding in the Chairman's vents!"

"Bitch the only thing small enough to fit in those vents is a spider!"

"Ok, new running theory, Spider-Man has turned evil and is now stealing Hunter Licenses!"

"Spider-Man is copyrighted! We can't use him as a character here!"

"Okay, then it was his evil twin, Mpider-San!"

"Where the fuck is Steve!?!??"

—

Gon happily ate his ice cream cone as Killua calmly face planted the floor(sand?). Killua, giving up all hope, silently started sobbing as he curled up into a ball. 

Gon helpfully kicked him into the ocean.

Killua stayed curled up in a ball as he slowly sunk to the bottom. While he was planning on drowning, the Lifeguard had other plans. 

The Lifeguard grabbed onto Killua's arm and started pulling him upwards. This was usually the recommend course of action when a child was drowning. 

Unfortunately, being suddenly pulled upwards startled Killua. Killua then made what seemed to be the most logical decision at the time.

He turned on his Nen ability.

This resulted in three things.

One: The electricity created by Killua's Nen leaked out into the water, killing everyone in it. Er, well, everyone but Killua.

Two: Killua, not enjoying the feeling of electrified water, decided to swim out of the ocean. Unfortunately, he didn't account for the facts that, electricity messes up hair, and water ruins hair. This means his hair was double messed up.

Three: Gon began laughing at the sight. And everyone who hadn't died in the water began running away. This might be because of the dead bodies, Killua looking like a horror movie antagonist, and Gon cackling like a maniac. Or it could be the fact that it was just a nice day to run away and scream. We'll never know.

—

Chrollo silently entered the library. Giving the librarian a small wave, he slid into a booth and opened his book. 

The librarian waved back, and just so happened to get a small peak at the book's cover. "World Domination For Cats" 

The librarian silently wondered if the man named Chrollo was one of them. 

They let another employee know that they were going on their lunch break and slipped into the alleyway. All the cats scattered onto the ground, leaving the trench coat, hat, and sunglasses behind. 

The nice old lady down the road always left out food for them. They'll spare the lady's life when they take over the world. For now they had a more important matter.

Is Chrollo Lucilfur a competitor or an ally?

—

"I still don't fucking know who Steve is!!"

"You know Steve, he's here everyday!"

"Nobody named Steve works here!"

"Yes he does!"

"No he doesn't!"

"He's the one always talking about the 'Jinx Cult' and about how one time he was kidnapped by someone named Dave!" 

"Literally nobody-"

"Can we focus on finding this goddamn License, you fucking sluts!?"

"Well fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fine-"

"Wait, wait, wait! Guys I have a lead! So, we were talking about how Spider-Man went evil, right? Well, what if, Chrollo Lucilfer is Spider-Man's evil twin. So Spider-Man isn't actually evil but Chrollo is framing him and-"

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"No, no, he has a point."

"..."

"...Change of plans, find Chrollo Lucilfer!"

—

"I hate you."

"I'm sorry!"

"You messed up my hair!"

"And I'm sorry!"

"No, I'm going back home! We're over!"

"Wait, I'll, um, pet stray cats with you!"

"...we're no longer over."

—

Chrollo had finished reading his book. While he wasn't a cat, the book did have some good points. 

He left the library soon after, failing to notice the librarian watching him. 

—

On behalf of Isaac Netero, Ging went searching for the thief. He wouldn't stop until he found them and returned the License to it's rightful owner.

...

Correction, he wouldn't stop until he found the thief or he had to hide from Gon.

Upon seeing Gon, Ging ran in the opposite direction. He didn't stop until he was out of the country.

—

"The thief that stole the Chairman of the Hunters Association's License is yet to be found..." The news was being broadcasted on a large tv, catching Gon's attention.

"Hey, Killua," Gon tugged on Killua's shirt and gestured towards the tv, "I think they're talking about us."

"More and more Hunters have joined the hunt for the Thief..." The news drawled on, but Gon and Killua were now more focused on something else.

"The Thief?" Killua repeated, a cat like grin appearing on the boy's face, "as in, the best thief?"

Gon sighed, he probably should have expected that to be Killua's reaction.

Unlike Gon, the reader was expecting that reaction. This is because I, the very helpful author, had told them about Killua's reaction earlier. 

"...The main suspect is Chrollo Lucilfer, the leader of the infamous Phantom Troupe," The mention of the Troupe drew Killua and Gon's attention back to the Tv, "While the Phantom Troupe's correlation to the stolen License is still unconfirmed..."

Killua's grin grew larger, "Gon, I think it's time we paid Chrollo a visit."

"I'll prepare the PowerPoints." Gon replied, a matching grin on his face.

—

Chrollo Lucilfer got a chill down his spine, accompanied with a sudden feeling of being in danger. He quickly shook it off, blaming it on the cold weather and paranoia.

—

Netero continued with his paperwork, getting no feelings of being in danger.

This could be because that he, unlike Chrollo, was not in immediate danger. 

—

Killua and Gon silently judged Hisoka's detective skills. He had claimed that "After meetings, Chrollo disappeared without a trace."

Yet it only took Gon and Killua a couple minutes to find him. A few threats, an avocado, and a somewhat violent Rock Paper Scissors game was really all it took.

—

Chrollo unlocked the door, it was not a pretty door, -10/10, most doors aren't pretty, it's just a fact of life. Usually when someone sees a door, especially one standing in the way of their destination, they have an overwhelming urge to beat it up. This is normal.

He turned on the light as he entered his house. This was a normal thing to do. It's such a normal day.

...Is what he would say if there weren't two children trespassing in his home. One of the children was a white haired boy with a good fashion sense. The other had green haired boy with... actually, let's just move on. 

The two children were sitting on one end of a table. Across from them was one empty chair. It vaguely resembled a police interrogation room that you would see in movies.

Of course, the table's set up wasn't much of a concern. The fact that A: this was not his table, and he had no idea where it came from. B: there were two Nen users in his house for unknown reasons. And C: all of his previous furniture and decorations were missing and replaced with the ugliest neon green, vomit like orange, and pretty blue that clashed with the other colors, as well as splatters of red paint(blood?) on the walls. This was, in Chrollo's opinion, much more concerning. 

It looked like a very violent game of paint ball happened here. One where some people had real guns instead of paint ball guns. Some people threw up all over the walls. And the two remaining survivors, the children, had made a terrible attempt at covering up the crime scene.

He didn't get any more time to think about it though. The white haired boy had quickly interrupted his thoughts.

"Chrollo, we've been waiting for you." The child said, making it sound more like a threat than anything else, "Please, have a seat." He gestured to the vacant chair.

With a moment of hesitation, Chrollo moved over to the chair. He looked at the trespassers warily as he sat down. Their was no chance for him to speak though, as the green haired child started speaking as soon as Chrollo had sat down.

"We're very sorry to intrude like this," the child lied, "But we have a very important thing to discuss with you."

For the second time today, Chrollo felt like he was in danger.

The two boys slowly stood up. In the process they had moved their chairs to the side so nothing was blocking Chrollo's view. The lights slowly began dimming.

Then a projector turned on, showing a PowerPoint presentation on the wall. 

"So, Chrollo," The white haired boy slammed his hands down onto the table, "are you the Antichrist?"

Fun Facts:

• Serious question, funny answers only, what do Gon and Killua view as a Not Normal Dayᵀᴹ??

• Chrollo: *crying noises* what are you doing in my house, ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵃʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒᶦⁿᵍ ᶦⁿ ᵐʸ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ

Gon and Killua: ✨I want waffle fries✨

• So... the Chairman has to get his License back at some point, and it would kinda be a plot hole to not give it back, y'know? But I don't have any funny ideas😭😭 so, how does the Chairman meet Killua and Gon and get his license back? I d e a s??? P l e a s e??? [Edit: Netero only ended up getting his license back in like one of the last chapters. The author forgot about it]

!!!QUIZ!!!

Question 1: Bungee Gum contains the properties of both

A: Rubber and cum

B: Rubber and ducks

C: Rubber and gum

D: Magic sauce and sexual tension 

Question 2: The Author of this fanfic is

A: 16

B: 14

C: 18

D: 15

E: All of the above

Question 3: How many applicants passed the Hunter exam?

A: 7

B: Everyone but the examiner

C: Not Hisoka, lol

D: Trick question, the Hunter exam was a cover story for the avocado incident

Question 4: The Author is a

A: Whore

B: Door

C: Non-binary floor

Question 5: What all is Hisoka's fault???

A: everything

B: everything but that one guy bumping into him in the Hunter exam

C: nothing, Hisoka can do no wrong

D: everything that Killua doesn't want to take credit for

Question 6: Who is a silly little guy(gal, or non-binary pal)

A: you

B: you

C: you

D: you

Question 7: Is Chrollo Lucilfer the Antichrist??

A: yes

B: true

C: correct

D: definitely

Question 8: what is Ging's biggest weakness? 

A: raising children

B: his height

C: Silva not being his sugar daddy

D: avocados

Question 9: what is the author's biggest weakness??

A: MythicMythrill [A Wattpad account]

B: the daily battle against depression 

C: the daily battle against dumping rainbow glitter on their floor

D: the author does not exist

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Hisoka will die next chapter 

Killua and Gon were currently in the process of attempting to tie Chrollo to a chair. That way he can't run away from the PowerPoint presentation.

Alas, Chrollo was actually quite good at not getting tied to chairs. It's ine of his many, many skills. This particular skill, however, was not stolen. He had actually taken a seminar in his childhood, he thought it might be useful one day.

As Gon was trying to tackle Chrollo a small 'ding' sounded from near the interrogation table. More specifically, from Chrollo's phone. Which was left abandoned while Chrollo was trying to flee from the PowerPoint.

Everyone made awkward eye contact with the others, standing still in complete silence for a good three seconds. Then, at the same time, they all lunged towards the phone.

One new notification from Literal Hell groupchat

Shalnark

@ Machi I think I'm dying

5 people are now online 

Machi

Elaborate

Shalnark

I woke up in a bathtub of avocados and 

knives all over the counter

Nobunaga

Sounds pretty normal

Shalnark

And blood on walls

Uvogin

Still normal

Shalnark

Spelt the words "run whale you still can"

Nobunaga

While*

Shalnark

No, whale* it said most definitely said 

whale

Machi

I diagnose you with "over dramatic" and 

"you got drunk" 

Shalnark

Oh thank Chrollo

Shalnark

I was worried cuz Google told me 

I'm pregnant

Pakunoda

...

Uvogin

...

Nobunaga

...

Franklin

...

Machi

...I diagnose you with "dumbass"

Chrollo is now online 

4 people are online

Chrollo

Hrkplo

Pakunoda

Boss??

Machi

You okay??

Shalnark

Oh so you're concerned for him but not 

me??

Feitan

boss?

Shalnark

@ Machi I'm not gonna name my child 

after you

Chrollo

Heljjuj

Nobunaga

B o s s ?

Franklin

Stop worrying, It's probably just an 

accident

Chrollo

Help

Franklin

And I take that back

Nobunaga

Boss??

Feitan

boss?

Phinks

You okay???

Machi

I diagnose that as "not an accident"

Shalnark

Chrollo don't do this to me, stress isn't

good for the baby

Chrollo is now offline

Kortopi

Boss?

Phinks

Chrollo??

Machi

You alive? 

Shalnark

Dw boss, I'll name my baby after 

you🥹🫡

Chrollo is now online

Chrollo

The Troupe has a groupchat? 

Kortopi

???

Phinks

Who are you?

Uvogin  

Where's Boss??

Nobunaga

What did you do to our boss 

Feitan  

Where boss

Bonolenov  

Why do you have Chrollo's phone? 

Pakunoda

Who are you?

Chrollo

Who do you think impregnated

Shalnark?

Nobunaga

...

Phinks

...

Pakunoda  

I-

Machi

Stranger, please don't encourage him

Shalnark

My love?????

Chrollo

Hey baby😘

Chrollo

Shit, gimme one sec-

Pakunoda

...

Phinks 

Just give boss his phone back

Franklin

We will wait patiently?

Shalnark

No! Don't leave, you have to pay child 

support!!

Machi

I swear to God, Shalnark-

Chrollo

Hi! I'm stranger #2!

Nobunaga 

Oh god there's more of them

Phinks

What did you do to our boss?

Shalnark

Yeah! And where's my wife?

Uvogin

Shal...

Chrollo

Oh, you mean Killua! He was

lying about the impregnating

thing!

Machi

We all knew that, stranger #2

Shalnark

What!?!?

Machi

...I stand corrected

Nobunaga  

Where is boss?

Feitan

What you do to boss 

Chrollo

Your boss is currently alive 

Machi

That's not as comforting as you think 

it is

Franklin

"Currently"??

Nobunaga

A win is a win..?

Chrollo

Oh! One sec

Machi

???

Chrollo added 2 people to the chat 

2 people are now online 

Phinks

Does this mean you'll give boss his phone back???

Unknown number 

If he behaves:)

Feitan

ominous

Chrollo has given admin permission to 

2 people

Chrollo has removed Chrollo's admin privileges 

Machi

Oh, it's hostile takeover

Unknown number

Correct :3

Unknown number has changed their name to Kittylua Zoldyck

Kittylua Zoldyck has changed Unknown number's name to Gon Fureecss

Shalnark

holy fuck my baby's mother is a zolduck

Kittylua Zoldyck

...close enough

Gon Fureecss

Nice to see you all again<33

Machi

Again..?

Pakunoda  

For my sanity's sake, I won't question 

it

Gon Fureecss

Ooo Pakunoda is alive now!

Pakunoda

ᶠᵒʳ ᵐʸ ˢᵃⁿᶦᵗʸ'ˢ ˢᵃᵏᵉ⁻

Chrollo

save m

Gon Fureecss is now offline

Chrollo is now offline 

Phinks

Wha-

Kittylua Zoldyck

Don't question it

Feitan

stop boss abuse

Nobunaga

#stopbossabuse

Kortopi

#stopbossabuse

Shalnark

#stopbossabuse

Machi

#stopbossabuse

Pakunoda

#stopbossabuse

Uvogin

#stopbossabuse

Phinks

#stopbossabuse

Bonolenov  

#stopbossabuse

Franklin

#stopbossabuse

Shalnark

boss abuse = not good for the baby

Kittylua Zoldyck

"Abuse is good for babies" -My family, 0.3 seconds after I was born

Shalnark

I-

Machi

ᵃʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵒᵏᵃʸ

Kittylua Zoldyck

ⁿᵒ

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Machi's name to Meowchi

Meowchi

Harassment

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Feitan's name to Feitan Pawter

Feitan Pawter

i will stab your mother

Kittylua Zoldyck

i've already done that buddy

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Phinks's name to Sphynx

Sphynx

Why am I a hairless cat breed?

Shalnark

#sentencesyouneverthoughtyou'dsay 

Kittylua Zoldyck

you no like hairless cat? fine

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Sphynx's name to Gay

[Edit: Calling Phinks “Gay”’has been a running joke in all my jokes. This is because he’s the only straight Troupe member]

Nobunaga

Pfft-

Kortopi

They're not wrong

Uvogin

that's.. that's kinda...... gay🏳️‍🌈

Feitan Pawter

gay boi

Gay

I apologize for my past crimes please 

change it back

Meowchi

I diagnose you as "gay"

Kittylua Zoldyck

:3

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Franklin's name to Frankitty

Frankitty

i fear what would happen if I complain

Kittylua Zoldyck

A wise decision:)

Frankitty

f e a r

Kittylua Zoldyck changed Chrollo's name to Chrollo Lucilfur

Gay

Why abuse boss, he's not even here to

defend himself

Nobunaga

#stopbossabuse

Kittylua Zoldyck

Ok, ok I'm done for now

Pakunoda

"for now" 

Gon Fureecss is now online 

Gon Fureecss

Before you ask, your boss is still 

alive

Gon Fureecss

He is unconscious though tho..

Feitan Pawter

what boss ever do to you

Kittylua Zoldyck

everything and nothing 

Uvogin

Makes sense

Gay

Quite logical

Pakunoda

That makes literally no sense

Nobunaga

No, no, the Zoldyck has a point

Pakunoda

I-

Feitan Pawter

dont bother, they using the same 

braincell

Gon Fureecss

May I borrow your braincell, my good 

sir?

Uvogin

The council has seen your request and 

is making a decision, please wait 

patiently, my good sir

4 people are now offline

Meowchi

Why do I even bother

4 people are now online 

Uvogin

The council has said no

Gon Fureecss

I see

Gon Fureecss

Thank you for the consideration, my 

"good" sir 

Uvogin

Any time, my good "sir"

Kortopi

What's with quotation marks??

Pakunoda

Best not to question it

Gon Fureecss

The alive lady, who has at no point in time ever been dead, is right

Kittylua Zoldyck

The less questions you ask the safer you 

are:)

Nobunaga

That's not ominous or creepy at all

Meowchi

Honestly I'm surprised Feitan isn't 

getting adoption papers for them at 

this point

Feitan Pawter

what you mean by that

Meowchi

Nothing, go back to biting peoples ankles 

or something

Kittylua Zoldyck

👀

Kittylua Zoldyck

Gon remind me to never mess with Machi

Gon Fureecss

I'll add it to the rule board, right under "everything is Hisoka's fault"

Meowchi  

Do I even want to know who Hisoka 

is??

Kittylua Zoldyck

From your past experiences with Hisoka

no you really don't

Meowchi  

Past experiences?

Gon Fureecss

He meant future experiences

Meowchi

Wow thanks for the amazing

clarification

Gon Fureecss

:)

Gay

Do you know that ":)" is creepy or are 

you just genuinely happy

Kittylua Zoldyck

Worse, he's genuinely happy about 

creeping people out

Meowchi

@ Feitan Pawter adoption papers when?

Gon Fureecss

Bold of you to assume he wouldn't just 

kidnap us

Meowchi

Fair point, I apologize for assuming 

anyone in this chat is capable of doing 

anything legally

Gon Fureecss

This is why Machi is my favorite

Kittylua Zoldyck

Fancy way of saying you want to break up with me

Meowchi

👀

Gon Fureecss

Machi is my favorite out of the troupe members*

Kittylua Zoldyck

Much better

Meowchi

Anticlimactic

Pakunoda

Not enough drama

Feitan Pawter

why happy ending

Nobunaga

Disappointing 

Uvogin

No heartbreak??

Kortopi

0/10, didn't cry

Shalnark

No lovers to enemies??

Frankitty

Could've been better, seemed too 

rushed

Gon Fureecss

We're??? Not in??? A romance?? Movie???

Bonolenov 

No secret lovers showing up???

Kittylua Zoldyck

Shhh Gon doesn't know that I have 

a secret child with Shalnark

Meowchi

Ah so the story hasn't ended yet

Pakunoda

The drama🍿🥤

Feitan Pawter

devastating

Nobunaga

I take back what I said👁👄👁

Uvogin

Poor Gon... he deserves better

Kortopi

On the verge of tears, I feel so bad for 

Gon

Shalnark

Oh so I'm the problem

Frankitty

Gon needs to hurry and figure things 

out, the suspense is killing me

Bonolenov  

Will Gon date someone else?? Killua's 

younger-but much hotter-brother 

perhaps??

Gon Fureecss

Kalluto(Killua's brother) and I had a one 

night stand once, when I was at the lowest point of my life.. 

Gon Fureecss

I swore to never go back to my old ways...

Gon Fureecss

But now that Killua has left me I've 

reached a new low, and I meet Kalluto 

once again

Gon Fureecss

Will he be the one to lift me from this 

dark time?

Kittylua Zoldyck

Hey wait a second-

Meowchi

🫢 suspenseful

Pakunoda

On the edge of my seat👀

Feitan Pawter

fuck killua, kalluto way better

Nobunaga

Kalluto>Killua 

Uvogin

Yes! Kalluto is way better!!

Kortopi

Killua's reaction🫢

Shalnark

I feel bad for taking Gon's man, but 

honestly Gon deserved better anyways

Frankitty  

I need the sequel

Bonolenov  

🤭Killua had it coming

Kittylua Zoldyck

You're leaving me for my brother of all 

people!?

Gon Fureecss

Killua had a dark past, and was

supposed to be the heir to his

family's business..

Kittylua Zoldyck

Don't you ducking dare make this a mafia au-

Gon Fureecss

But now Kalluto is the heir, and he has no 

interest on losing that title... 

Kittylua Zoldyck

I swear to god-

Gon Fureecss

Killua and Kalluto begin to fight over both 

me and the title of heir. tearing their

family apart, and leaving me conflicted

Meowchi

Mafia au?😳

Pakunoda

I'm afraid to blink I don't want to miss 

a thing💞💞

Feitan Pawter

murder and romance🛐🛐

Nobunaga

The switch into mafia was so well 

done🛐🛐

Uvogin

Team Kalluto 100%

Kortopi

The fighting, literally can't look away from the screen 😳😳

Shalnark

Trying to figure out what Gon will do

is so stressful yet so thrilling❤️‍🩹

Frankitty

The sequel didn't disappoint

Bonolenov

Honestly, we're all on team Kalluto

Gay

I was honestly speechless the whole 

time.. goddamn😮‍💨

Kittylua Zoldyck

This is harassment-

Gon Fureecss

:)

Gon Fureecss

Oh your boss is waking up!

Kittylua Zoldyck is now offline

Gon Fureecss

...Nevermind, he's unconscious again

Shalnark

All this stress isn't good for the baby

Meowchi

Screw the baby, this stress isn't good for 

me

Fun Facts:

• god I missed writing chatfics so much- no need for plot, writing skills, grammar, describing actions, and most importantly, no hours upon hours of editing- literal heaven🛐🛐🛐 [Edit: my first book was a Wrong Number chatfic. It, however, was also completely garbage but somehow has like 800k+ reads on Wattpad.]

• So I need to turn Uvogin, Bonolenov, Pakunoda, Kortopi, Nobunaga, and Shalnark's names into cat puns, but I can't think of anything😭😭 [Edit: I got that cat pun names, they’re all in next chapter.]

• Canon HxH Timeline: Shizuku and Hisoka aren't troupe members yet

Me: whAT

Canon HxH timeline: :)

Chapter Text

TW: mention of doors, mention of blenders, and small mention of child abuse!!!

[Edit: The author’s hatred for doors is yet another running joke.]

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Chrollo will stop being a pretty boy

Chrollo, who had passed out of his own free will with no intervention by Killua, slowly began gaining consciousness. 

His head was pounding, and he felt like he got hit by a bus. And then the bus went into reverse and ran him over again. And then, just to be safe, ran him over a third time.

He opened his eyes, trying to figure out his surroundings. This proved to be a bad idea, as there was an annoyingly bright light shining directly into his eyes.

"Oh," A voice said, seeming distant "you're awake."

Due to overall annoyance, a pounding headache, and tiredness, Chrollo tried to slam his head down onto the table. This proved to be quite difficult, as he was tied to a chair. Why was he tied to a- oh.

He finally began regaining his memories of what happened before he passed out. The two children, the interrogation, the troupe's groupchat... and something else..?

"Chrollo," Another voice said, the white haired kid, if Chrollo remembers correctly, "it's nice to see you're finally awake. We have some business to attend to, after all."

Ah, now he remembers.

The PowerPoint.

"No, no, don't try to run. You're safe, I promise." The green haired boy said. 

Chrollo felt like that was a lie. But, due to the position he was currently in, he wouldn't say that out loud. Instead he just grumbled "I feel like I've been hit by a bus."

"A hammer, actually." Ah, that would explain the headache. "But we don't need to worry about specifics." 

Chrollo, once again, felt like that was a lie.

The green boy turned off all the lights, including the bright one shining directly into Chrollo's eyes. Chrollo had to resist the urge to thank him. It's to early to be getting Stockholm Syndrome. 

"You have a concussion, nothing too serious." The green boy began, "We just need to know if you're conscious enough to enjoy a nice, friendly, and completely unthreatening, PowerPoint."

Chrollo is beginning to wish that he didn't wake up, "Would you believe me if I said no..?"

"No." The two boys said at the same time.

"Worth a shot."

"Now, let's try this again," The white haired boy stepped to the side, giving Chrollo view of the dreaded PowerPoint once more, "are you the Antichrist? True or yes?"

Chrollo didn't answer. They wouldn't accept a no, and Chrollo refused to say yes. It was a stalemate, of sorts. 

Instead, Chrollo read the PowerPoint slide.

Reasons why Chrollo Lucilfer is the Antichrist 

By Killua Zoldyck and Gon Freecss

Ah, a Zoldyck. No wonder the white-haired kid looked so similar.

Though, if the Zoldycks seriously named their child "Kill-you-a" Chrollo is going to have words with them. He just wants to talk. No ability stealing and child killing. (Which rhymes, by the way) Just a nice friendly discussion.

Friendly. On that note, did you know that babies are born with around three-hundred bones, and that they just fuse together over time? 

Did you also know that Silva Zoldyck was once a baby, and therefore used to have three-hundred bones? They just fused together over time?

Chrollo can fix that.

"Whose name are you judging?" The green kid asked, abruptly drawing Chrollo out of his thoughts.

"Killua's, I'll get to yours in a second, fatherless child." Chrollo replied truthfully.

"I-" The green haired child, Gon, opened and closed his mouth a few time, before finally mumbling "That's fair"

"Chrollo, are you the Antichrist?" Killua asked straightforwardly. 

Chrollo wants to say no, but he also really wants to avoid this PowerPoint, "If I say yes, can I avoid the PowerPoint presentation?"

"Of course!" Killua chirped, seeming a bit too excited. But Chrollo won't look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Then, sure, I'm the Antichrist."

"Great! Now you won't have to see the Antichrist PowerPoint!" Killua switched the projector screen to a new PowerPoint, this one just had the word "Sheep" as the title. It almost seemed threatening.

Chrollo should've looked the gift horse in the mouth...

"Your a gremlin, you know that?" Chrollo huffed, already accepting his fate.

"You used the wrong 'your' you meant to say you're, not your." Killua corrected helpfully. This might've confused a lot of people, as they weren't aware they were in a fanfic. Zeno knows, though. Zeno knows all. 

[Edit: the majority of the Zoldyck family is capable of breaking the fourth wall in this fic.]

"Oh, thank you. My apologies." Chrollo, however, was not most people. So this made perfect sense to him. 

Gon, who had no idea what they were talking about, decided to just get on with the PowerPoint presentation. He switched to the first slide, which had pictures of eight sheep sleeping on beds, for some reason.

"Sheep is one letter away from sleep." Gon informed, this was easy to figure out, but most people have yet to make the connection, "Counting sheep is also commonly known to help sleep."

This is going to be dumb, Chrollo can already tell.

"This brings us to the most obvious conclusion, sheep are spies from Russia. This is why Russian people are immune to sleep."

...never mind, they have a point.

"To further back this up," Killua went onto the next slide, it had a disturbing picture of people.. having fun on a Minecraft bed, "Minecraft beds are made out of wool. And where do you get wool? That's right, sheep." 

Killua, thankfully, switched the slide again. This one had a picture of a drunk parent beating a child, which, in Chrollo's opinion, was much better. 

"Russians are also commonly known for drinking vodka." Gon said. Stereotype much.. "Most people drink alcohol at night. And what do most people do at night?"

Have se-

"That's right, sleep."

That too.

"Yet, Russians aren't known for sleeping for extended periods of time." 

Killua changed the slide to one that had the words "Welcome to Russia" and a picture of one of those no smoking signs, but instead of a cigarette it was a bed. A no sleeping sign, if you will.

"So the logical conclusion is that Russians don't sleep." Gon said with a nod.

Chrollo had to admit they had a point. He had no proof that Russians do sleep. And, so far, all the children's facts made sense.

Okay, the sheep presentation wasn't too bad. Maybe Chrollo was over exaggerating. Maybe this won't be terrible.

While Chrollo was yet again lost in his thoughts—which was unusual for Chrollo, maybe his concussion is a bit more serious than he thought.. he might need to check that out—the projector had went on to the next presentation. 

Doors

Okay, this title was most definitely threatening.

"What's your opinion on doors?" Gon asked, drawing Chrollo out of his thoughts yet again. Chrollo definitely has a very serious concussion..

"I don't have one..?" Chrollo replied, unsure of what the right answer was here.

"Everybody has opinions." Killua said, slamming his hands down on the table. "What do you think about doors?"

Chrollo resisted the urge to flinch at the loud noise created by Killua. All this PowerPoint shit wasn't helping his headache. Realizing he was supposed to reply, Chrollo just mumbled "I- I don't know?" 

"Okay, let's narrow it down." Gon decided to dumb this down for Chrollo, "What's a reasonable amount of world to door ratio?"

"I don't know what that means..." Chrollo looked like, if he didn't have a reputation to maintain, he would start crying. 

"Are there too many doors? Not enough doors?"

Chrollo's couldn't even try to answer—not that he had an answer—before Killua cut in. 

"Obviously a house made entirely out of doors is inefficient, that's too many doors." Killua stated, changing the PowerPoint slide to one filled with pictures of doors.

"But a house with no doors is bad too. No privacy, nothing to keep the cold air out in the winter." He switched the slide to a blank one, doorless.

Killua switched the slide again. It read

How many doors should be in one house?  

An important question, apparently.

"So, Chrollo," Gon began speaking again, Chrollo is starting to fear the way they say his name, "How many doors should be in one house? What's the average number of doors? How many doors is optimal? Would you like to be a door?"

Chrollo chose to ignore that last question, choosing to answer the other questions instead "Five?" 

"Good answer." Gon said at the same time Killua said "Wrong."

"Doors don't exist, Chrollo. Look around, do you see any doors here?" Killua stepped back and gestured all around the room, which had no doors.

Where did they take all of Chrollo's doors.

"Doors are a world wide hallucination. We're only trying to protect you here, Chrollo." Gon said, fake concern lacing his tone.

Chrollo silently wondered if this whole thing was scripted, or if the kids really were just this weird.

"But, if doors were real, what type of door would you be?"

Killua took this time to set a multiple choice quiz down in front of Chrollo. This was slightly inefficient seeing how Chrollo's hands are tied up. 

Luckily, or unluckily, Killua was more than happy to read the quiz out loud for him. "Wood door, metal door, glass door, polyvinyl chloride door? What type of material would you be, you fucking whore?"

"Glass." Chrollo answered, choosing to play along. It was probably safest.

—

Illumi, watching through a camera he had earlier placed in Chrollo's home, shook his head. Glass wasn't a good answer, every door enthusiast that. 

Illumi slid the reader a few cosmic brownies, and a twenty dollar bill. He then pat the reader's head a few times, before going back to watching the camera.

The reader was basically just Illumi's pet at this point. The reader couldn't complain though, he gives free food, free healthcare, free dental care, free weapons, ..and the most parental-like love the reader has ever gotten.

—

"Ah, glass," Gon repeated Chrollo's answer with a nod, "Because you're fragile."

"I-" Chrollo made an attempt to defend himself, but was immediately interrupted by Killua.

"Are you a sliding door? Folding door, perhaps? Maybe even a pocket door?"

Chrollo tried to respond but was, again, interrupted by Killua.

"Wait there's more,"

He's rhyming on purpose, isn't he.

"Barn door? Dutch door? French door? Automatic door goes brr? Revolving door? Swing door? Perhaps you're a drawer? Maybe you're just there for decor?"

Chrollo is beginning to despise doors.

"Now, I know doors are easy to ignore."

And rhymes. Rhymes are only good in moderation.

"So maybe you're more of a floor?"

"Please shut the fuck up." Chrollo said, sounding more desperate than expected.

"Hey, look, Chrollo swore!" Gon grinned, excited to join in on the rhyming.

Chrollo walked right into that one, didn't he? Though this one was fine, only because Gon said it. It's hard to be mad at Gon.

"You should watch what you say. Gon's, like, four." Killua's grinned as well, but his grin was much more mischievous than Gon's.

"Hey!" Gon span around quickly, almost fast enough to give Chrollo secondhand whiplash.

Killua, in response, stuck his tongue out at Gon. This resulted in Killua being tackled to the ground, tossed through two walls and, funnily enough, a door. Stabbed three times. and almost had his hand shoved into a powered-on blender.

Truly a normal reaction to being called two years younger than you actually are. 

Chrollo hates these kids.

He's going to adopt them.

Fun Facts:

• I really can never let doors be. You thought one paragraph about doors was excessive? Have half a chapter about doors(:

• Chrollo does have a serious concussion, but that's not important-

• Look I'm just saying have you ever seen a Russian sleep? Plus, not having to have a bedroom would give them so much more room to keep their spy gear-

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Hisoka will stop being a concerned parent of two(2) chaotic children

[Edit: Did I ever mention the threats at the top of each chapter here? It’s just cuz the wattpaders aren’t mentally stable.]

Machi was one of the only troupe members with common sense. Therefore, Machi was also one of the only troupe members who had access to Chrollo's location.

She wasn't all that shocked to find two toddlers forcing Chrollo to play Uno with them. Nor were she that shocked to have Chrollo hide behind her the second she walked in the door. Or, well, doorway. There wasn't actually any door. She wasn't shocked about the lack of the door either.

Nothing really fazes her anymore. Not after the avocado incident.

"Miss Machi!" The green-haired kid(Gon?) shouted excitedly. She chose not to question how he could recognize her on sight.

The white haired—yeah that's definitely the Zoldyck—kid also seemed to recognize her. Though, shouting "Hey! It's the least slutty Phantom Troupe member!" really was not necessary.

Not to say it wasn't true, of course. All the members were sluts. So much so that Machi is beginning to think that it's a hidden requirement for joining. 

"So," Machi began, turning towards Chrollo, "would you like to explain what's happening here, boss?"

"Doors, Russians, sleep, Antichrist, please save me."

Makes sense.

...not really, she should probably ask the children. Seeing how Chrollo is to traumatized to answer normally.

"Okay then, would either of you like to explain what's happening?" She asked the children.

"What has happened, or what's currently happening? Because it's an important distinction." Killua said.

"See, we're currently playing a nice, friendly, harmless game of Uno." Gon spoke up, using way to many adjectives to be telling the truth, "But we have hit your boss over the head with a hammer."

Machi should probably check to see if Boss has a concussion... right after she figures out the door problem "and the lack of doors is because?"

"Doors don't exist, Machi. Everyone knows this." Killua replied at the same time Gon said "We donated them to a charity event supporting the building of the next titanic. Just in case."

"Oh joy.." She mumbled sarcastically. These were, in all honesty, the strangest kids she's ever met in her life. 

They're going to get adopted the second any of the other troupe members meet them.

..unless she adopts them first, that is.

First come first serve, sluts.

She pointedly ignored the fact that boss met them first. Chrollo was clearly traumatized and not in a well enough state to be taking care of children. Machi on the other hand..

"Would you like to hear our Russian theory?" Killua asked. Which, first of all, sounded vaguely threatening.

"Is it that Russians don't sleep?" There's many Russian theories, the tree theory, the bucket theory, the ocelot theory, the sleep theory, and many more. She was simply taking a guess and hoping to get lucky.

"It is."

Oh thank god. "Then no, thank you."

"A shame," Gon shook his head disappointingly.

"Shame shame shame.." Killua and Gon said at the same time. Machi would prefer to never hear them speak like that in her general direction ever again.

Chrollo, who was surprisingly still here, watched in fear. He stayed silent, not wanting to attract any attention to himself. Unfortunately for him, children can smell fear.

Gon and Killua's heads snapped towards Chrollo's direction. Now staring directly into Chrollo's eyes. And probably his soul.

None of them moved. Though for very different reasons.

For Chrollo, it was immense fear.

For Killua, it was for dramatic effect.

For Gon, it was because his neck fucking hurt from him moving it that fast. It honestly might be broken. How does Killua do this without feeling any pain? Machi's a doctor, right? She can help Gon... probably.

For Machi, who had already been forgotten by the other three, it was curiosity. Seeing what happens next was far more important than saving boss. Obviously.

For Illumi, it was that he didn't want Killua to know he was stalking him. (Which he failed at, but don't tell him that) And also that the reader is holding him hostage until he gives them more treats. 

Unfortunately, after one reader decided to go on a date with Hisoka(you know who you are), all readers were grounded.

[Edit: Wattpad thing. Someone claimed to be Hisoka’s cousin, and set another reader up with Hisoka on a date. Don’t question it.]

We don't like the clown in this fic. (Yes we do, we just pretend we don't)

Talking about the clown..

For Hisoka, it was that he had no idea where his children were. And, therefore, he could not do anything in this situation.

For those of you who are like Machi, and care more about entertainment than Chrollo's life, I unfortunately inform you that I cannot write down what happens next.

You see, in order to add vivid descriptions of violence such as this one into my book, I would have to switch the rating to mature. And I do not wish for "mAtUrE" people to read this. Only idiots allowed>:(

However, I do have another thing that might entertain you!

"Chrollo," Killua said, pausing for dramatic effect. Was Killua aware that he was giving Chrollo trauma of his own name? Yes, he was. "Buy us ice cream."

"N-" Chrollo didn't get the chance to respond and say yes, because that's definitely what he was going to say.

"Killua, that's rude!" Gon elbowed Killua, which was also considered rude but Gon doesn't care about hypocrisy. "He doesn't consent to paying for things, he's a thief dumbass!"

Did we mention that six year old Gon used to curse like a sailor? Which, honestly, shouldn't be surprising considering where he grew up. 

Though that's all irrelevant. The real reason Chrollo didn't want to go was just that he despises those children. And he doesn't want to get Stockholm Syndrome. (Though it's a bit late for that, he's already planning on getting adoption papers)

But Chrollo's opinion is also irrelevant! Because we don't care about adults in this book! Minus Feitan and Machi, of course. 

Oh, and talking about Machi.. "I'll buy you both ice cream, if you'd like,"

"Really?" Killua excitedly turned around to face Machi.

"Sure." She nodded. Chrollo was obviously trying to compete for adoption, so Machi needed the upper hand.

All's fair in love and war.

"Yay! Family outing but none of us are related! Wooo!" Gon cheered.

Of course, random prople on the street seemed to think otherwise.

"Aww, what handsome little children you two have." Someone had said as they were walking by.

"They're not our-" Chrollo cut himself off. Unsure how to explain without sounding like a kidnapper. Instead he just sighed, and said "Thank you"

As soon the stranger was out of earshot, Killua grinned "so, we're your 'handsome little children' now?"

This is why Gon is the favorite.

—

On a nearby roof, Illumi gasped in offense. Killua was obviously better. Especially in fashion sense.

The reader was currently nomming on Illumi's arm. It's been almost eight hours without treats, they've resorted to cannibalism to survive.

Illumi just patted the reader's head, and continued on with his stalking.

—

That was, unfortunately, not the last person who mistook them for a family. I mean, if you see two adults walking with children you would automatically assume they were a family. So it's not far fetched, but also nonononononono-

Everywhere they went people were complimenting their family. Which is strange, who goes up to random families and say "I wish I had your kids" that's borderline kidnapper territory. 

Some of the comments about their "family" were weirder than others. For example, they got:

"Aww, I wish my kids were as cute as yours."

"They look so well behaved."

"You all look so cute together!"

"Aww, what a nice family."

But also:

"I bet your kids' hair smells good."

"I'd like to see the kids I keep in my basement fight your kids."

"I'll trade you my little Timmy here for one of yours."

"Which parent dyed their hair, or are these just the mother's kids and the dad is just a boy toy?"

"I would genuinely eat someone to hug your kids."

Chrollo wouldn't know normal if it fucked him in the ass with a cactus. But he can at least tell that that was definitely not normal.

Gon and Killua didn't seemed fazed. Is this just normal for them? 

Oh well, it was overall a pretty fun day. There wasn't any PowerPoint presentations, at least.

"Not to kill the mood or anything," Chrollo started, which means he was obviously about to kill the mood, "but you all do realize there's a warrant out for my arrest. Because the Chairman's License got stolen?"

"Oh, right," Machi hummed, it's strange how easily someone could forget about such a big event, "Out of curiosity, were you the one who stole it or not?"

"No, I was too busy be traumatized by these two." Chrollo couldn't keep the fondness out of his voice as he ruffled Gon's hair. He'd do the same to Killua but he prefers to keep fingers.

"That was after the License got stolen, actually," Killua corrected.

"Yeah, we would know, we're the people who stole it." Gon added. 

"What." Machi and Chrollo said at the same time.

"What?" Killua and Gon asked.

"I am at a loss for words." Chrollo said, Machi nodding in agreement.

Despite being lost for words, they both yelled at the children about "how unsafe that was" for the next twenty minutes.

Then they had to go back to Chrollo's house, because "It WaS sAfEr ThErE"

Gon would disagree seeing how Feitan was there. And Feitan had threatened to torture him one time in the future. Which is not safe.

"Cat pun children?" Feitan asked, looking over at Chrollo.

Chrollo, who was currently standing in the doorway as there was still no door, gave Feitan a silent nod. He chose not to question why everyone had unanimously decided that they could just wander into his house this week. It might be because the lack of a door.

"Ah, Pawter. Truly a pleasure to formally meet you, instead of just watching from a distance." Killua hummed. Gon doesn't remember ever stalking Feitan, but it's possible that they did. Who knows.

Zeno does.

Zeno knows all.

"Stalking good for planning torture." Feitan didn't seem concerned about being stalked. Maybe being stalked was regular thing for him.

"It is." Killua agreed, sitting down on a chair across from Feitan. "On a scale of one to ten, how efficient would you say waterboarding is?"

"Seven. Human instinct has fear of suffocation and drowning. But need to be careful not to kill, not good for amateur torturers."

"Makes sense," Killua nodded in agreement, "what's the best method for torturing someone without leaving permanent damage?"

"Remove nails, they grow back."

"Mhm.." Killua nodded again, now writing down notes on a piece of paper.

And that's how Feitan and Killua began talking about torture techniques, forgetting about everyone else in the room.

Machi and Chrollo blocked out the conversation, choosing to just talk to Gon. It was better for their sanity.

Unfortunately, Gon abandoned them the second psychological torture was mentioned. It was his favorite type of torture.

—

Feitan no know why Boss and Machi glare at him from other side of room. But he no care enough to ask.

Fun Facts:

• Me: *writes about characters who are pieces of shit, a lot of work, annoying, unhelpful, problematic, troublemakers, and overall unlovable. then makes everyone love them to help cope with my trauma and abandonment issues*

• pffft imagine getting trauma-dumped on in the fun fact section of a hxh fanfic, couldn't be me😙 

• Feitan: hmm why would Boss and Machi be mad at me?

Killua and Gon: "Yeah Feitan's my favorite, screw Chrollo and Machi!"

Feitan: I just can't think of anything.

Killua and Gon: "Honestly Feitan should adopt us!"

Feitan: there are no hints.

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or I will never make a monopoly chapter ever again>:3

"Why me?" Feitan asks.

"Because they like you most," Chrollo replies, leaving no room for argument. Feitan wants to be the favorite? Fine, he can deal with the kids then.

"Machi more responsible," Feitan points out. 

"Don't drag me into this," Machi says before taking a sip from her glass of wine. Well, it was Chrollo's wine. But she stole it, so it's hers now.

Feitan let out a exasperated sigh. Accepting his fate, he turns to face the two kids. Who both had fake innocent expressions on their face as they looked back up at him.

It was nice to have people shorter than him.

"You grounded," Feitan said firmly. They would latch onto any hesitance. 

Gon let out a sharp gasp, despite the adults having been talking about grounding them for the past fifteen minutes. He stumbled backwards, a hand on his chest in mock betrayal. "W-what..?" He whispered, voice cracking.

Killua taught him how to fake emotions like this. Oh, and talking about Killua..

Killua didn't show any dramatic reaction like Gon. He also didn't say anything. He just looked up at a Feitan, face blank but a look of betrayal present in his eyes. This was also faked, of course.

Feitan stood his ground, not saying another word. He stared back down at the kids. But, unfortunately, he avoided staring them in the eyes. Which the kids were very capable of noticing.

"Wh-what do you m-mean we're grounded..?" Gon sniffled, tears forming in his eyes. He quickly brought his hand up to wipe away the tears. 

Feitan stopped staring at the kids and stared at the ceiling instead. He sees nothing.

"Shh, shh, it's okay Gon," Killua hugged Gon, consoling the more emotional boy, "It's clear that we're not wanted here anymore." He whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

They really should become actors.

"Wait-" Chrollo reached out, being the first to break. It was too late though, the two boys had already disappeared. 

(Do you see how fast Nen users move, like it makes it so hard to write drama 'cause they don't just walk away like normal people)

"Fuck," Chrollo groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Told you that would happen," Machi hummed, taking another sip of her wine. Unlike Boss and Feitan, she wasn't weak and didn't care for the children's acting.

This was also why she is Killua's favorite and his role model. Don't tell her that though. Killua refuses to acknowledge that he has emotions. 

—

"Howdy my good sir," A green-haired child greeted, jumping down from the vent he was hiding in "would you like to buy eighteen bowls of oatmeal?"

Before Nobunaga could say anything he was interrupted by another child, this one with white hair.

"I would like to add that these bowls of oatmeal are not, and never have been, living creatures." 

Nobunaga blinked, losing the staring contest he didn't know he was having. The oatmeal being alive was not a concern before, but it is now. "Uh, no thank you..? How'd you get inside my house?"

"We broke the walls," The white-haired child hummed, seeming far too unbothered.

"Oh, they were load bearing walls, so this place is going to collapse in.." the green haired child looked at his wrist, which didn't have a watch, "about two seconds."

"Wha-" He was interrupted by the noise of the ceiling collapsing, hurriedly jumping out of the way of falling debris. But by the time he had exited the house—which only took him a few milliseconds—the two kids had disappeared.

—

" 'Ello there, you fancy yourself a cup o' tea?" A green haired child asked, with a terrible British accent.

"What-" Phinks attempted to move, quickly realizing he was tied to a chair. Also why was he on a boat? Why was there so much tea?

"Viva the revolution! Down with the taxes!" A white haired child with a terrible George Washington cosplay yelled. 

Then, with no warning, a bomb rudely went off. Phinks instinctively winced at the loud noise. By the time he opened his eyes the kids had disappeared. 

Which left one problem, he was still tied to a chair, the ship was going down, and for some reason it was raining rainbow glitter. 

—

Uvogin didn't lose. Ever. He was the victor of each and every one of his battles. He refuses to lose.

Which was why he was participating in a staring contest with a green haired child. It's been six minutes, he needs to blink. 

A white haired kid was spray painting rainbows on his walls. This wasn't important. He must win staring contest. Must win. Cannot blink. He's got this. He'll be fine. Just don't blink. Don't-

He blinked.

The kids were gone once he opened his eyes. The only proof they were ever there being the freshly spray painted walls.

—

Soup. Franklin hates soup. Why does he hate soup you ask? Well, you see, a can of soup murdered his mother.

[Edit: the author took a break to laugh at this. Their humor is as broken as ever.] 

This was why he was not pleased when he came home to find his house replaced with soup. Walls? Stacks of soup cans. Furniture? Soup cans. Ceiling? that's right, more soup.

The only thing that wasn't soup was a single sticky note left on the counter—which was made of soup cans—it read:

"You thought you were safe? You though that this was it?"

He didn't even get a second to try to understand the note, before a canon ball (made entirely out of soup) came through the wall. And then, like dominoes, the rest of the soup cans began falling down.

The soup house was gone, but at what cost?

—

Bonolenov left the bathroom after a nice relaxing bath. He hummed a little tune to himself as he walked down the hallway, only to stop dead in his tracks when there were two children in his living room.

The children said nothing, but gestured for him to sit. Out of pure curiosity he did.

Then, a PowerPoint was projected onto the wall in front of him.

Is Bonolenov the mummy of King Tutankhamun, who, as we all know, escaped his grave and is currently on the run

Was it too late to go back?

"Yes." The white-haired child grinned. This was even more off putting when you realize Bonolenov had, in fact, not said anything out loud. 

Silently Killua wondered if Illumi was proud of him. His fear tactics have improved greatly. And, for a unknown reason, his family heavily disliked the troupe. The troupe didn't do anything to them, they just didn't like the troupe. Nobody knows why.

—

Illumi was very proud of Killua. While Kil was breaking the "don't fuck with the Phantom Trouoe rule" he was traumatizing the troupe, so it's fine. Plus he seemed to be pretty safe.

Illumi gave the reader sushi. While the reader was still grounded from treats, he wasn't letting them starve.

Also he does prefer when his arm is still attached to his body, and not being gnawed off. He silently ruffled the reader's hair. If he was getting attached to his kidnapped companion, nobody needs to know.

—

Pakunoda was having the time of her life. She was currently teaching Gon how to use a gun.

The two groupchat kids, as she has been affectionately calling them, had broken into her house. 

Unlike the rest of the troupe members, the kids actually liked Paku. And therefore let Paku live a trauma free life.

Pakunoda, unaware of the trauma all of her friends have recently gone through, decided she would adopt these kids. They're hers now. Finders keepers.

—

Kortopi was living a peaceful life. Before being kidnapped and tied to a chair, that is.

In front of them there was a screen displaying the title page of a PowerPoint.

Does Kortopi have a mouth? Scientists in recent study say no.

He hopes he's the only one in the troupe who has to suffer. For his mental health, we won't tell him about what happened to the others. He doesn't need to know.

—

Shalnark was peacefully playing Minecraft. He was simply collecting some flowers, as one does. Before two people joined his world. The world was most definitely not on multiplayer, and these people weren't friends. 

The usernames were what most caught his attention though. 

Kittylua Zoldyck has joined the game

Gon Fureecss has joined the game

It was the groupchat kids. They've come to harvest Shalnark's soul(and his wheat from his wheat farm.)

Shalnark: The fuck?

Kittylua Zoldyck: One sec lemme fix ur username

Gon Fureecss: Hope you don't mind us taking over your world:)

Shalnark: I do mind actually

Gon Fureecss: then I sincerely apologize for what happens next!

Shalnark: what-

Chrollo Lucilfur has joined the game 

Catopi has joined the game

Feitan Pawter has joined the game

Meowchi has joined the game

Frankitty has joined the game

Gay has joined the game

Purrkunoda has joined the game

Uvokitten has joined the game

Bonolitter has joined the game

Nofurnaga has joined the game

Nofurnaga: Why am I a hairless cat

Shalnarkitty: #Sentencesihearquiteoften 

Shalnarkitty: also I hate my name 

Bonolitter: you think yours is bad?? I'm literally cat litter

Kittylua Zoldyck: Maybe you should have more cat pun-able names then

Fun Facts:

• Thank you to everyone who helped me pick out cat puns for people! I did kinda have to improvise with some of them, but oh well.

• Past me, in history class: History is so boring when will I ever use this in real life?

Me now: Must search history to do the fanfic wrote. need to pour tea in the water. george washing machine not there? he there now.

• For those of you who are curious, yes Hisoka is starting to get worried about his children (You thought I went a whole chapter without mentioning Hisoka? W r o n g. My Hisoka addiction is too powerful.

Chapter Text

Eat food, drink water, and get 5+ hours of sleep today or Olaf will find you

[Edit: the author has a book titled “Run” on Wattpad. It’s all just pictures of different Olaf items in the Author’s house getting progressively closer to the camera.]

Guide that shouldn't be needed, because I didn't actually change names that much:

Gon Fureecss: Gon Freecss

Kittylua Zoldyck: Killua Zoldyck

Chrollo Lucilfur: Chrollo Lucilfer

Catopi: Kortopi

Feitan Pawter: Feitan Porter

Meowchi: Machi

Frankitty: Franklin

Gay: Phinks

Purrkunoda: Pakunoda 

Uvokitten: Uvogin 

Bonolitter: Bonolenov 

Nofurnaga: Nobunaga 

Shalnarkitty: Shalnark

(Hisoka and Shizuku are not troupe members yet 😔)

Chrollo Lucilfur: I don't play minecreate but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be able to leave

Gon Fureecss: Don't worry we fixed that problem:)

Meowchi: Oh joy

Shalnarkitty: I just wanted to play Minecraftಥ‿ಥ

Kittylua Zoldyck: And you can play Minecraft! Nobody's stopping you!

Kittylua Zoldyck: You just can't stop playing Minecraft:3

Feitan Pawter: why so many square

Meowchi: This just in, local midget has existential crisis after seeing too many squares at one time!

Kittylua Zoldyck: Sometimes I wonder what Feitan did to Machi, why does he deserve constant bullying

Meowchi: short

Kittylua Zoldyck: good answer

Chrollo Lucilfur: So we can't leave?

Kittylua Zoldyck: You all can leave once I have fifteen elytras, a castle, and a mushroom hobbit ravine

Bonolitter: I don't know what half those words mean

Shalnarkitty: Lord have mercy on our souls, we have to go to the end

Bonolitter: what does that mean

Purrkunoda: Shalnark you're the only who plays Minecraft, what do they mean by that

Shalnarkitty: (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ')

Purrkunoda: Understandable have a nice day

Catopi: Guys I just started punching a tree and now I have an oak log?

Nofurnaga: you just.. punched a tree and got a log?

Frankitty: nobody questioning why he was punching a tree in the first place? Nobody??

Feitan Pawter: you hit tree and get wood?? why??

Purrkunoda: that just sounds like you would get splinters

Bonolitter: I just punched grass and now I have dirt? Do we just go around punching things??? Why??

Uvokitten: I see no problem with this

Meowchi: I need a drink

Chrollo Lucilfur: Machi please stop drinking all of my alcohol

Meowchi: no 

Kittylua Zoldyck: wow you guys are like noob noobs

Bonolitter: again, what does that mean

 (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ') 

Gon Fureecss: Better hurry up and start playing, freedom is only earned after so much time in the coal mines:)

Bonolitter: what (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ') 

Kittylua Zoldyck: Oh it's getting dark, you might want to pull an Illumi and dig yourself a grave to survive in:3

Bonolitter: I give up. Nothing makes sense. There's too many cubes.

Bonolitter was shot by Skeleton

Bonolitter: what in the ever loving fuck was that

Chrollo Lucilfur hit the ground too hard while trying to escape Spider

Chrollo Lucilfur: Shalnark you play this game for fun?

Shalnarkitty: Yes?? What's not to like??

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie

Catopi suffocated in a wall while fighting Zombie

Purrkunoda was shot by Skeleton

Gay was impaled by Drowned

Uvokitten discovered the floor was lava

Bonolitter was slain by Zombie

Shalnarkitty: Ok I'm starting to understand your issue

Meowchi: Hiw the fuvk have you all not died yrt

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie

Feitan Pawter was shot by Skeleton

Gon Fureecss: Just build a house??

Kittylua Zoldyck: No don't help them

Kittylua Zoldyck: This is too entertaining

Gay drowned

Meowchi: glad you engoy our suuferingt

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie

Nofurnaga was slain by witch

Frankitty was slain by witch

Bonolitter: you can build??

Purrkunoda: Someone please give me an instruction manual

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie 

Shalnarkitty: it's literally in the name Mine Craft

Shalnarkitty: what don't you understand

Meowchi: run fron bany zomue not in yhe name

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie  

Meowchi: fuck

Kittylua Zoldyck: maybe you should stop typing and start running

Chrollo Lucilfur: If you dig down three blocks and then place a dirt block on top of you mobs can't get to you

Gon Fureecss: Chrollo has used groundhog! It's very effective!

Frankitty fell from a high place

Frankitty: Boss you are a traitor and a thief

Chrollo Lucilfur: I agree with one of those

Frankitty: I dug down and fell into a cave

Gay was slain by Feitan Pawter 

Gay: YOU CAN KILL EACHOTHSR!?!

Feitan Pawter: c r i m e:)

Meowchi was struck by lightning while trying to escape Baby Zombie 

Gon Fureecss: how'd you even manage that-

Shalnarkitty: once it's daytime most mobs will die, then I can teach you how to play

Chrollo Lucilfur starved to death

Chrollo Lucilfur: I hate this game

Shalnarkitty: Hey! It's a good game! 

Shalnarkitty: when it's not night, at least-

Kittylua Zoldyck: Aww man the sun is coming up:(

Gon Fureecss: Creeper? Aww man

Shalnarkitty: So we back in the mine

Kittylua Zoldyck: Got our pickaxe swinging from side to side

Bonolitter: what the fuck is a creeper

Bonolitter was blown up by Creeper

Chrollo Lucilfur: I wasn't sure before but I am now

Chrollo Lucilfur: Minecraft is a cult.

Shalnarkitty: ...I can neither confirm nor deny-

Meowchi: I just watched a baby zombie burn to death and it is the most joy I have ever felt

Meowchi was shot by Skeleton 

Meowchi: God fucking damnit

Gon Fureecss: Okay all of you seem to know how to punch things, so go around punching trees and you'll get logs

Kittylua Zoldyck: Gon you traitor don't teach them 

Shalnarkitty: If any of you see square creatures resembling sheep, cows, pigs, or chickens punch them until they die

Uvokitten: Now that I can do

Nofurnaga: I have a wool

Gon Fureecss: Yay, you're doing it! Collect three wool and you can make a bed:)

Nofurnaga: Why would I need a bed I'm not planning on having Minecraft sex

Gon Fureecss: If everyone sleeps in a bed at the same time you can skip night and not have to worry about mobs

Nofurnaga: oh so I'm just dirty minded

Shalnarkitty: But Minecraft sex is a very real thing and we do commonly force animals to have sex

Nofurnaga: why, shalnark. Why do you play this.

Shalnarkitty: In my defense I've never thought about how creepy it was until now-

Gon Fureecss: Anyways kill three sheep and then break two logs, craft logs into wood, use 4 wood to create a crafting table, and then use crafting table and 3 wood and 3 wool to create bed

Kittylua Zoldyck: Why would you tell them that Gon? I wanted to see their reactions to phantoms

Bonolitter: I've said it before and I'll say it again: what

Meowchi: Can't be worse than baby zombies

Gon Fureecss tried to swim in lava to escape Kittylua Zoldyck

Gon Fureecss: T^T

Kittylua Zoldyck: Stop helping them

Kittylua Zoldyck: and be more prepared for surprise attacks;)

Gon Fureecss: father help

Kittylua Zoldyck: you have no father

Gon Fureecss: If I collect a cow's milk and toss it down at my feet do you think I could summon a father?

Bonolitter: ..how.. how do you collect cow's milk? 

Kittylua Zoldyck: Build on cow with bucket 

Gon Fureecss: bucket a cow

Shalnarkitty: click a bucket in a cow's general direction

Chrollo Lucilfur: c u l t.

Shalnarkitty: why is that true, are we a cult? Is Minecraft just a big cult?

Chrollo Lucilfur: How do you build anyways?

Gon Fureecss: I'd tell you but I would prefer to not die

Shalnarkitty: You know the thing you click to punch? Click the opposite thing

Chrollo Lucilfur: Thank you, I'll double your salary

Shalnarkitty: 0$ doubled is still 0$

Chrollo Lucilfur: Is that relevant?

Shalnarkitty: no, sir

Chrollo Lucilfur: good boy

Shalnarkitty: jojkjjkkkkkjkjukhj hijghijj

Kittylua Zoldyck: that's weird, that's suspicious

Purrkuoda: Everyone has a crush on Chrollo, it's old news

Gon Fureecss: Chrollie has a harem..?

Chrollo Lucilfur: Did you just call me Chrollie?

Kittylua Zoldyck: Chrollie pollie

Gon Fureecss: ooo like the Rollie pollie bugs??

Kittylua Zoldyck: exactly.

Chrollo Lucilfur: please never call me Chrollie again

Kittylua Zoldyck: No promises:)

Catopi: I have figured out how to craft 

Shalnarkitty: Great now make a pickaxe!

Kittylua Zoldyck: Yes, send the child into the coal mines!! (=ↀωↀ=)

Catopi: how

Shalnarkitty: Okay so place the crafting table then click on it, then put down one piece of wood and then a piece of wood on the square directly above it

Catopi: I don't have enough wood

Purrkunoda: I do, I've made sticks

Shalnarkitty: Goddamnit, get more wood then

Shalnarkitty: And Paku, place two sticks in the crafting table one directly in the middle and one on the bottom middle, then place three pieces of wood all along the top row

Gon Fureecss: You're actually a pretty good teacher (*^ω^*)

Gay: How do I get emoji thing

Purrkunoda: I have wooden pickaxe, what next?

Gon Fureecss: go into the coal mines:)

—

Mandatory Illumi stalker time, so I can skip the boring part where they try to learn how to play<3

Illumi was currently stalking all the players while in spectator mode. How did he join the game without any noticing you ask? Don't question it.

He set a package of pocky beside the reader, who was finally ungrounded. The reader was very focused on braiding Illumi's hair, so he didn't interrupt them.

"But Illumi has short hair, because it's in the past" you say. Well, you see, that little fact wasn't good for the author's mental health. So he has long hair now. Nen or whatever. "This fic has too many plot holes" you say. Plot holes are just fanfic's pockets. And there's never enough pockets.

—

About 30 minutes later

Meowchi: Help it's getting dark and I don't have a bed

Nofurnaga: sounds like a you problem

Feitan Pawter: s u f f e r

Meowchi was slain by Baby Zombie

Gon Fureecss: I'm honestly starting to feel bad for her

Feitan Pawter: :)

Meowchi: Feitan you jinxed it

Meowchi: what did I ever do to you

Feitan Pawter: tall

Kittylua Zoldyck: Damn so Machi and Feitan just have beef

Gay: Yes

Chrollo Lucilfur: Yes

Purrkunoda: Yeah

Nofurnaga: Yes

Uvokitten: Yes

Bonolitter: Yes

Frankitty: Yes

Catopi: Yep

Shalnarkitty: Yeah

Feitan Pawter: no?

Meowchi: I have no beef, I'm actually starving

Meowchi starved to death

Meowchi: Which is entirely Feitan's fault 

Meowchi: But, no. We have no beef, why?

Gon Fureecss: ...

Kittylua Zoldyck: I believe them

Gon Fureecss: What?

Kittylua Zoldyck: I stabbed two of my family members once, doesn't mean I have beef with them

Feitan Pawter: i like your style

Chrollo Lucilfur: Please say you stabbed Silva

Kittylua Zoldyck: Thank you, Feifei, they made sure to torture me afterwards<3

Kittylua Zoldyck: And, Chrollie, unfortunately I didn't

Chrollo Lucilfur: why must you crush all my hopes and dreams

Kittylua Zoldyck: I did stab his wife though:)

Chrollo Lucilfur: ...Good enough

Purrkunoda: is nobody else worried about the kid's health???

Feitan Pawter: no, an no call me feifei

Gon Fureecss: why would anyone care about Killua's health?

Frankitty: I'm more concerned that the Zoldycks decided to name him Kill-u-a

Gon Fureecss: His older brother is named Illuminati

Frankitty: Oof, and I thought Killua got the short end of the stick

Gay: He's a zoldyck, they're used to torture

Kittylua Zoldyck: holy fuCK somebpsu cares abour my hraltj

Meowchi: Feitan you speak Barely-Understandable-English read that for me

Feitan Pawter: why? can u tiny brain no understand?

Meowchi: i don't think you have the right to be calling anyone else tiny

Kittylua Zoldyck: Gom hekp thry care aboth my healtg 

Gon Fureecss: Gom?? 🤨 

Kittylua Zoldyck left the game

Chrollo Lucilfur: wait.. can we do that now?

Chrollo Lucilfur has left the game

Gay: Freedom!!!!!!

Gay has left the game

Nofurnaga has left the game

Uvokitten has left the game

Bonolitter has left the game

Purrkunoda: Bye Gon, tell Killua I said bye

Purrkunoda has left the game

Meowchi: midgets first

Feitan Pawter: i hope baby zombie chase you in real life

Feitan Pawter has left the game 

Frankitty has left the game 

Meowchi has left the game

Gon Fureecss: bye ig

Gon Fureecss has left the game

Shalnarkitty: peaceful at last 

Catopi: C̴̨̨͉̲̼͓̳̩͐͗͗̄̕O̸̢̠̦̹̦̱̲͖̲̮̿̈́̉̎̉̉́͋̑̊͛̎͊͊͜͜͝ͅA̸͉̲͕̘̻͐͒͗̀̏̆͠L̶̡̨̜̭̜͓̙̫̠̹̙̎̐̍͆̈̔̿̿̄̎̂̏̈̉̚͠͠ͅ ̸̢̞̦̣͙̜̞̞̪̪̙̣̘̣̅̏̌͒͛̀͛ͅͅM̶̧̛̬͈̟͚̬̺͔͓̂̒͂̂͘̚Ì̶̡̥͚͙͍̠̘̙̩̜͕̼͚̦́̓̈́̉̆̅̀̀̒̓͛͜ͅͅŇ̵̯͓̥͙̦̘̭̩̳̹͒̈́̎̓̊̿͑͒͂̈́̂̕̕͘͜E̵̛͍̭̹̟̻̗̻͎͇͇͇͒͌̔́͋̄̽̾́̉̕̕͘͝͝S̵̡̫̯͕̗̳̙̯̼̾̀͝ͅ

Shalnarkitty has left the game 

Fun Facts:

• I play Minecraft on a computer so it's the only controls I know- to all you pocket edition and Xbox players, I apologize for any inaccuracies-

• I definitely headcanon that Machi and Feitan jokingly insult each other, but they're both the type of people that you can never tell when they're joking or not- so the rest of troupe just doesn't know what's going on-

• Yes, all the troupe members were raging during that first night, especially Machi(she didn't deserve that😔)

Chapter Text

Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Procrastinate:

Starting off at number 1: Your fanfic might get deleted off Wattpad because of guidelines being changed (which they didn’t warn people about) and you won’t have it back up anywhere (except for the first 14 chapters that you added to Ao3 months ago before you got bored and forgot about it)

Anyways it got deleted like a month ago and I also procrastinated on telling anyone it got deleted so👍👍👍👍👍👍

I guess this book is discontinued now??