Chapter Text
In most ways, it was easy to pretend everything was normal. Johanna and her brothers woke up, ate breakfast, and went to school. They came home, and did their homework and chores, without complaint. Just like Granny had instructed, they were taking responsibility for themselves. It was the best way they could help their father. Each evening, over a pot of sweet pine tea, Granny was full of praise for how helpful and mature they were all being.
They didn’t talk about all the empty desks at school, of classmates attending funerals.
All apprentices affected by the accident were given the choice to move away from the paper mill. Johanna opted to continue working in the drying rooms. Partly, she chose to stay because she was making friends again. But mostly, she didn’t want a late stage switch to jeopardise her chances of a summer forest placement again.
Only one apprentice accepted the offer to switch. He had lost his brother in the accident, and then his mother to her injuries. He couldn’t face walking into the mill, and no one could blame him.
While Johanna managed to keep up with all her responsibilities, her anxiety and anger about her father’s accident was affecting her sleep, leaving her more tired and apathetic each day. Linden was tired, too; not through worry, but through spending every morning and evening answering the door to visitors, deliveries, and general well-wishers, as well as having more to do around the house with Harry working non-stop.
So, it was by mutual agreement that the girls decided to postpone their second date.
Between taking on extra shifts to make up for the shortfall the family was about to face, and visiting Arthur when she could, Juniper only came home in short bursts. She would whizz in, looking more gaunt and pale than the last time, squeeze in a few minutes of parenting, and then rush out again. Every time, she insisted her children couldn’t visit their father yet. ‘He’s sharing the room with another patient, so they’re only allowed one visitor.’ ‘You can’t this evening, he’s having another operation.’ ‘You can come with me next time.’
With insufficient information from her mother, Johanna began pestering Linden for updates. Linden, however, insisted she wasn’t allowed anywhere near the patients that were still filling up her uncles’ house.
More than a week had passed when, in the early hours of another sleepless night, Johanna realised: she didn’t need her mother’s permission to visit her father. It was ridiculously simple, really. All she had to do was go to Linden’s house when her mother was at work. And these days, Juniper was at work a lot.
So, the next morning, with Juniper having already started on the early shift, Johanna got up early, left a note for her grandmother explaining she had gone to study group, and walked to Linden’s house.
As Johanna walked, she played out the meeting with her father in her mind. She wanted to confront him; to hold him accountable for the pain and suffering his reckless actions were causing the family. Part of her, though, also just wanted him to hold her again. She had never gone so long without him before, and it was unexpectedly hard. In the end, she concluded that she would just have to make her mind up in the moment.
“Johanna!” Marcus answered the door, speaking softly and looking exhausted, but mustering a smile for her nonetheless.
“Please can I see my dad?” Johanna asked.
With surprise, she discovered that the tears springing to her eyes weren’t from rage.
“Oh, sweetie, come here,” Marcus wrapped her in a hug, which made her tears begin to fall. “You must miss him a lot, eh?”
Johanna nodded into Marcus’s chest, while he soothed her for a few moments. Once she was ready to pull away, Marcus pointed towards the kitchen, and told her, “You hold tight in there, and I’ll go check if you can see him.”
The kitchen was barely recognisable. It had been converted into a sort of waiting area. Probably every mug and cup in the house was drying next to the sink. The countertop was adorned with snacks and messages of support. The living room sofa had been brought in, and was pushed up against some of the cupboards. Two bedraggled people were dosing on it, one on either end, each with their own blanket. Had Juniper slept there, on the nights she hadn’t come home? Johanna took a seat on a dining chair, drying her eyes again and taking in all the changes.
After an agonising few minutes, Marcus reappeared, beckoning Johanna towards him. Johanna instantly jumped to her feet, and followed him into the hallway. He spoke in hushed tones, so as not to disturb the patients and visitors.
“I spoke to the night duty apprentice. She said to tell you your dad’s still taking a lot of medicine, and it makes the patients sleepy and confused. So, if you’re going to see him, you have to be prepared for that, okay?”
Johanna nodded, solemnly, as she took in Marcus’ words. If her dad was feeling drowsy or confused, it wouldn’t be the right time to challenge him on his reckless decision.
“He might sleep the whole time. Or, it might seem like he’s awake, but his brain could be sort of dreaming. So, he might say some weird things. He may even not recognise you. Some people find it very scary to see their loved ones behaving so unusually, so have a proper think about whether you want to see him today, or if you would prefer to wait a little while, until he doesn’t need this medicine any more.”
“I want to see him,” Johanna insisted. She probably wouldn’t get to vent her frustrations, but now that she was so close, she was desperate to see her father again.
“Okay, sweetie,” Marcus nodded. “But can I come with you, to make sure you’re both doing okay?”
After Marcus’s warnings, Johanna found herself to be relieved at the prospect of having company. If her dad didn’t recognise her, she would need a hand to hold.
“Okay,” she agreed.
“And obviously we have to be quiet, so we don’t disturb the other patients,” Marcus explained, leading the way, “And we can only spend a couple of minutes with him.”
“Okay,” Johanna nodded again, eager to get on with it.
Gently, Marcus led the way. Johanna followed, with anxiety swirling in her stomach.
It took Johanna a moment to recognise the pale, sweaty, bearded man in the makeshift hospital bed as her father. It was disorientating; not so much his unusual appearance, but the fact that there had been a moment where she hadn’t been able to recognise the man she had loved her whole life.
An unfamiliar, distant smile filled Arthur’s face. His gaze didn’t seem to actually focus anywhere. Marcus’ hand on Johanna’s shoulder gave her the strength to continue moving closer. ‘It might seem like he’s awake, but his brain could be sort of dreaming,’ Johanna remembered. It could explain her father’s odd appearance.
When Johanna couldn’t stand looking at the unfamiliar expression any more, she cast her eyes along the blanketed body of her father. On the furthest side of the bed, partially obscured by Arthur’s lower body, Johanna could see the top of an intricate mess of wooden slats. It had been haphazardly screwed together, at strange angles. Was her dad working on some kind of craft project? Why had the apprentices let him keep it on the bed while he slept? She hoped he wasn’t using any dangerous tools while he seemed unable to focus.
Curiosity compelled her to keep looking at the structure, perhaps hoping to make sense of her father’s mental state. Within the network of wood, metal rods disappeared into a collage of dark purple, blue and red, shiny and ready to burst, wrapped in a thick bandage at the end-
Bile burned the back of Johanna’s throat as she realised the swollen, discoloured object pinned inside the cage, was her father’s leg.
She might have recognised it sooner, if there had still been a foot attached to the end of it.
The first coherent thought she managed to form was, ‘Why didn’t mom tell us?’
In an instant, all the rage Johanna had brewed for her father’s recklessness was transferred to her mother. All the vague updates about dad needing a lot of rest, about Harry being hopeful for a full recovery, about them being able to visit soon… none of them had included a single mention of Arthur’s foot being amputated.
Johanna was old enough and smart enough to understand this would change everything. Arthur wouldn’t be able to walk – at least not for a long time, and even then, only with expensive medical help. With only one foot, he would never be able to return to his job. He wouldn’t be able to work at all while he healed. And that’s assuming he even managed to heal. He would be at risk of infection for weeks – and, judging by the sheen of sweat on his forehead, he was probably already battling one. Would he even survive this?
With an even worse sinking feeling in her anxious stomach, Johanna had a sombre realisation: this might be the last time she ever spoke to her father.
As angry as she was, she couldn’t let him know it – not if she might never get the chance to make it up to him.
With all her bravery, Johanna mustered up a quiet, confident-sounding, “Hi, Dad!”
Slowly, wavering as he turned his head, Arthur responded to his daughter’s words. It seemed to take him a while to focus, or to realise what was happening – maybe both. Then, pure delight washed over his face.
“Squirrel!”
He reached out to Johanna, wincing a little at the minor movement in his leg. Johanna hurried forward to take his hand, not wanting him to hurt himself any more.
“How are you doing?”
“I’ll be okay.”
Despite the slight slur in his words, and the semi-vacant look in his eyes, Arthur’s attempt to wave off Johanna’s concern as if he had only suffered a paper cut sounded like his usual self. Tears of relief sprang into Johanna’s eyes.
“How are you?” Arthur followed up, growing more lucid.
“Worried about you,” Johanna replied, honestly.
“Ah, don’t worry about me! I’ll be fine! Are you doing your homework?”
“Of course.”
“Are your brothers behaving?”
“Yeah.”
“And how about Linden? Oh! How was your big date? My little girl, on her first date…” he almost spoke over himself as his thoughts flowed freely through his mouth, reminding Johanna of Jay whenever he was excited.
“It was good, dad, but I came to see you, to talk about you!”
“That’s all I do these days. I want to hear something else for a change! Tell me some good news!”
“Okay.”
Johanna sniffled away her half-formed tears, and then began to fulfil her dad’s wish. She told him about sweet tea, and baking with Jay and, finally, about her first date.
With effort, Arthur listened to every word. Though his teeth were gritted in pain, he was smiling, too.
“When’s your next date?” Arthur beamed.
“We haven’t set a date yet. We’ve both been a bit… busy and…” Johanna trailed off with a shrug, not wanting to accidentally put any blame on her father.
“Jo,” Arthur said, his voice serious, and his eyes fully clear for the first time. “You have to promise me, you’ll keep on living your life. No matter what happens.”
“Dad-”
“I’m serious, Squirrel. Your mom and I only ever want the best for you – for all of you. You and your brothers are NOT to put everything on pause, just because I’ve got a bad leg. I know it’s hard to imagine having fun right now. But you’re only young once, and you have to make the most of it, okay? However long I’m here, or whatever happens, promise me you’ll also take time to live your life.”
The desperation Arthur spoke with pulled at Johanna’s heart. She couldn’t imagine managing to have fun, while knowing her father was suffering. But she couldn’t exactly argue with him in his current state, either.
“I promise,” Johanna agreed, wiping away another tear.
At that, Arthur relaxed. Johanna realised how much effort it had taken him to give his little speech as she watched the energy leave his body.
“And tell your brothers, too,” Arthur added, his eyes growing soft.
“I will.”
“You’re a good kid,” he mumbled almost to himself.
“And you’re a good dad – the best!”
“That’s nice, squirrel,” he slurred, his eyes growing heavy.
“He needs his rest, Jo,” Marcus said, softly. “Time to say bye.”
“I love you, dad,” Johanna whispered into his ear, before kissing his clammy forehead.
His mumbled reply didn’t sound like words, but it matched the cadence of, ‘I love you, too’. Johanna decided to believe he’d said it.
Arthur drifted into sleep, and after a final squeeze of his hand, Johanna let Marcus lead her out of the room.
When the door closed behind them, it seemed to sever whatever thread of strength had been keeping Johanna together. Just as Marcus quietly told Johanna, “You did great!”, she burst into tears again.