Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I look up at the night sky
Yellowed by the city lights
And the moon fills my head with thoughts
Like the girl beside me in class
Who also has scars peppering her arm
Or the boys on the blacktop who toss around slurs
Like they are basketballs
Or my parents beating me with a name that is no longer mine
And grieving my death that hadn’t ever happened
Or my voice getting higher by the day
With nothing I can do to stop it

I wanted to grow up
But not like this

I look up at the night sky
With every unpleasantry filling my head

But tonight
I can actually see the stars

Chapter Text

I wish that I could bend words
In a way to create a picture
A picture that would describe my anger
Each new chosen name
And each new deadname
That rolls through the headlines
Is another one of my siblings that were caught
Caught in the hatred of their hand or another’s
I wish words could discribe my fear
That one day one of those names will be mine
Or one of my friends
Who will be six feet underground
Instead of rushing through the hallways
To get to class on time
I know that one day the name will be mine
And if I do not get to live
I just wish it will be the name that I’ve chosen
Instead of the name that was chosen for me

Chapter Text

Do you remember that small stuffed toy
That you woke up beside
When you were not older than four
At the time it was as if it’s fur was made of gold
And the stuffing inside was kissed by clouds
There has not been a day where you have not woken up
With that little toy beside you
That toy was there when no one else was
Over the years that you had watched you grow

The colors fading
After years of letting you cry onto his fur

The stuffing growing matted
From all of the warm hugs that she endured

This poem is for all of the stuffed animals
Who’s hearts have been broken and then stitched back together
Almost as many times as their limbs

Maybe your toy has been lost for years
Still thinking about all the moments you two shared

Maybe your toy is sitting somewhere on a shelf
Watching the world pass them by
Still determined to keep you safe
Every chance they get

Maybe your toy is still upon your bed
Fighting off nightmares
And under-bed exploring

One thing is for sure
Your toy
Wherever they may be
Is very proud of the person you’ve become

Signed,

Your Favorite Childhood Toy

Chapter Text

“I am living proof that it does get better”
He said while showing me his top surgery scars
And I wonder
If there was a time when he also had to shower with his eyes shut tight

I think of the cellist in my class
Who has PTSD
And wonder if she also has nightmares
And wakes up feeling like she's dying all over again

I think of the girl with the scars on her arm
And wonder if she, too feels the darkness
That can only be chased away with pain

I think of every time I’ve avoided eye contact with my reflection
Or binded my chest for well over twelve hours
Or cried on the floor
Begging whatever god is out there to end me
But maybe it actually does get better
One day

Chapter Text

They always tell you to not wear a binder for more than eight hours
But they don't tell you what it's like to take off the binder

Sweating inside of jacket after jacket
Just trying to conceal what only you know is there
Each step you take is just a reminder
Of the way your body betrayed you
Without the unyielding squeeze of that fabric holding you together
The mortification of having to walk past person after person
Inhaling the crisp night air along with the shame
Feeling exposed
Like you might as well be wearing nothing
Without the binder compressing your lungs
You can feel your ribcage relax
But somehow it is still hard to breathe
Just breathe.
Come on.
Why can't I breathe?
Why are my ears ringing?
Why has the world around me disappeared?
Yet it is still so painfully here?
Why does the feeling of the layers after layers
That I am wearing to conceal my chest from others
Serve as a painful reminder to me
That it is still there
I can feel it.
Get it off.
I need out of this godforsaken skin
Why do I have this skin?
Why do I have to return home?
Only to wake up in this skin tomorrow?
Why can't I move?
Why can't I move?
Why have my limbs betrayed me?
Why can't I breathe?

Chapter Text

Number one: Do you look in the mirror and see yourself?
Do your eyes look like yours?
Does your reflection feel like home?
How long does it take to get used to this feeling of love?

Does your smile now reflect what’s inside?
Do you get scared when you forget about all the progress that you’ve made?
Does your soul fly just like I thought it would?
When you look in the mirror?

Does that first shot feel like a breath of fresh air?
Is the anxiety gone?
Y’know, THE anxiety?
The anxiety that pleads “do I look like a girl” “they can tell” “you’re more feminine than yesterday” “you walk like a girl” “that’s not how a boy would talk” “please just give up already”
Can you look in the mirror without checking again?
Or do you still double-take?

Chapter Text

In your little wooden boat
Rocking back and forth
Back and forth
Looming over the siren-infested waters
Knowing that if you dip but one finger
Into the siren-infested waters
They will grab on
And drag you all the way down
Never to return

You know that you could easily just paddle away
From the siren-infested waters
But you can’t bring yourself to pick up your oars
Maybe it’s the peaceful look in the siren’s eyes
Or the calming rock of your boat
Or the fact that if you dip even your pinky finger
Into the water
No part of you will ever return

Never return to the cruelties of land
Where the beach will never burn your feet ever again
And the silent forests will never send shivers down your spine
And the cold of winter will never prick against your fingertips
Because you won’t even see winter
Because you’ll be dead
All because you stayed in that siren-infested water
All because you couldn’t bring yourself to row away

Please row away
This poem isn’t about sirens

Chapter Text

The doctor says I have been hibernating since I was four
Well, she didn't call it hibernating
But she told me about how it would make me want to sleep
For a very long time

When a bear hibernates they won't eat
And cortisol flashes through their veins, filling them with anxiety
Dopamine and serotonin find themselves forgotten
When a bear enters hibernation
And they get so, so tired

Is that why when I hibernate
Taking a bite seems back-breaking
And the anxiety in my veins could start forest fires
And my head becomes so empty
That only a bullet seems to want to fill it
So that I could hibernate
Forever

Chapter Text

Please hold me tight
Please don't let me go
My skin will turn soft
My hair will grow long
My face will no longer be my own
And I can't stop it
My hips will shatter into curves
My chest will ache like tumors
Blood will drip from my vocal cords
As my organs are on display before my eyes

How could a night as severe and unending
As my wretched birth
Lead to being stripped of my skin
And a brain that won't fit

And I can't run away anymore
My wrists are tied to my seat
And my feet are frozen in place
So all I can do
Is watch the terrifying transformation

Chapter Text

The mirror worships me as a woman
But the woman reflected hardly qualifies
Not when his hands are caked in blood
And his hair could challenge ocean waves

Could gender just be a five-year-old boy
Who’s father sat him on the kitchen counter
So that he could watch the rain outside

Or is gender a twelve-year-old girl
Locked in her bedroom with a computer
Begging google to tell her
Why being a woman makes her want to scream

Or maybe gender is a small stream deep in a forest
That flows all year ‘round
For people to drink out of
From of their own individual mouths

Chapter Text

The doctors warned you
Without medication I will die
They’ve drawn my blood
And told you the dose
Please
Let me have the medicine

I’m getting weaker
It’s getting harder to recognize my reflection
The blood not meant for the doctor
Is now meant for the blade

All I need is your permission
Please let me live

The doctors warned you
That if I couldn’t have the medicine
You couldn’t keep me out of a grave

Chapter Text

The greatest of love stories
Are anything but romantic

They are how I love my mother from school
Who held me when my real mother
Shoved her words like knives down my throat

Real love stories are angry
Like friends trying to keep you safe
When all you try to do is push them away
So that it hurts less when you leave

Real love stories are confusing and uncertain
With desperation and loss
Because every story must end
And I don’t want my story to not have you in it

Chapter Text

When the world ends
Can you sit beside me
And watch as stars fall from the sky
Will your feet be dangling next to mine
As we watch the ground split below us
We will chuckle
Because I really thought the end of the world
Would be louder than this, you know?
But by your side
I feel safe
Will you sit next to me
As this stupid damn world comes to a close
Will you press your head onto my shoulder
As life ends around us
And we’ll fall asleep tangled in each other’s arms
We both know that we won’t wake up
But enough has gone unsaid
So what’s one more?

Chapter Text

Why?
Why am I broken?
Please god, take me to heaven
Before I end up in hell
My soul is shattered
My brain is broken
Because little girls aren’t supposed to want to be little boys
So I will lay here
Choking on my pillow
Forcing my feminine lungs to stop expanding
So that you, god, will take me to heaven
And fix my you-damned brain
Because I am broken
And if I must be fixed through death
Let it be that
Because to be dead
Is less shameful than a girl
Who thinks as if she’s a boy

Chapter Text

I have danced with death thirty-six times
All because the girl that I see in the mirror
Grows stronger by the day
She just won’t leave me alone
The doctors say that the girl from the mirror
Will kill me before my eighteenth birthday

If the doctors are wrong
And I put the girl to rest
Before she can do the same to me
I will still be in danger
Just because that girl once inhabited my flesh
Some people refuse to see past her remains

Chapter Text

Scythe to my neck
Surrounded by young grass
I always knew you would come for me
But not like this
I knew you would rip my flesh apart
But down on your knees
You drink me like a fine wine

And my eyes close
Is it finally time for blood to stop filling my veins?
Will you lead me to the grave?
Like you’ve done with man after man before me?
No
Instead of bringing me peace
By letting my mind cease forevermore
You bring me peace
By filling my mind with pleasure
I thought you would have taken me to hell
But I feel like I’m in heaven

Chapter Text

The world will still turn
Poets will still cry
The trees will still grow
Wind will still blow
But I’m scared that I’ll stop
I will hear the summer laughter of children
I will learn
I will soar
But I’m scared I’ll soar too far
Without you
I’m scared my blood will spill
Without you
Without my home
Will my blood spill?
Will my spine snap?
I’ll try my best to stay intact
I’ll try my best to not soar too far

Chapter Text

I’ve taken a blade
And carved out the broken pieces
Of a fallen god from within me
I’ve made so much progress
I’ve shattered false truths
I’m learning what it means to be myself
And I’ve written myself back into my narrative
But I can still feel Death’s eyes on the back of my neck
I’m scared he’ll get to me before I grow old
Old enough to shatter my reflection
And build it back up again
Because mounding one’s skin is forbidden
For a young person to do
Even if Death is right behind him

Chapter Text

Barely seven years of age
Tucked gently between her blanket and her mattress
With her head in her hands
And her teddy in the crook of her arm
Bawling as silent as the night
So that the same people who tucked her in
And kissed her goodnight
Wouldn’t give her something new to cry about
Hugging her knees

And then there’s a boy
Who puts his hand on her shaking shoulder
Climbs into her bed
And tells her that it’s going to be okay
He has her face
And her voice
But he’s older
His hair is shorter
His arms are covered in scars
That this little girl has yet to discover
He knows the name of the teddy bear in the crook of her arm
And he knows why she’s crying
He’s just here to make sure the girl doesn’t give up
So that he can have a chance at life one day
When she notices him
And stops crying

Chapter Text

A knife lodged between my sternum and my ribs
My blood pooling thick and warm beneath my back
All I can hear is screaming flooding my brain
I don’t know if it’s mine or someone else’s
I can’t hear anything over the screams
They're probably mine
The knife is still lodged in my chest
I can feel it graze my insides when I flinch
I don’t know what emotion this is
I just want the pain to be over
But I can’t think over all the screaming
The pool of blood under me is fun to splash my fingers in

Chapter Text

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
But my outsides feel like they’re morphing
Into something unmentionable
And I’m just trying to breathe through it
In
And
Out
I just have to close my eyes
And pretend nothing’s there
But I can feel everything
My skin screaming “girl”
As it claws up my organs
Showing no mercy
I want to retaliate
In the only way I know how
But instead I will close my eyes
And lie
“Everything will be alright”
“Everything will be alright”

Chapter Text

The stuffed teddy on my nightstand sings to me
Songs about stars deep in the forest
And skin that fits like a glove
The teddy on my nightstand knows about blood
And the cruelty of man
But he is just a teddy
So tonight he will song me songs
About how he kissed a boy
Who’s lips were soft to touch
And who’s wrists were quick to slit
And he will sing me songs about safety
So that mine don’t do the same
And my fingers will bleed from violin callouses
Instead of a dirty blade’s kiss
My teddy will sing me songs of treetops and mountain’s edge
My teddy will sing songs through my mind
Until I drift off to sleep
And thanks to him
I woke up the next morning

Chapter Text

The one who gave me life
Would take that life away to please her god
She would sacrifice me instead of the cattle
She told me this when I was young

The day I became a man
Was not the day a wicked-eyed girl forced herself into me
Or the day I wished that I had pushed her off
Fought her
Kicked her
Made her stop
But the day I became a man
Was the day that my mother told me
That I was a wicked person for wanting to stop her

I am no son of hers

Chapter Text

A first taste of freedom sweet as honey
As the sun goes down
And your parent’s car rattles out the driveway
What do you do your first night free of their relentless shadows?
You take a deep breath
And then
Get drunk on your mother’s wine or your father’s rage
Then lay on your rooftop and count the spaces in between the stars
Go for a walk in the dark and let your eyes adjust to the night
Walk through a rose bush and let the thorn-deep scrapes bleed freedom
Make friends with the trees and the air and the night bugs
When your eyes meet those of a beautiful girl with brown hair
And she declines your offer you walk away and meet
A cute boy who comes home with you instead
In your bed he feels soft like a leaf and tastes sweet like honey
He leaves before sunrise
In the morning you take your dog to the park
Life looks different when it’s not bathed in moonlight
And you’re home before your parents get back
Hungover, heartbroken by the boy and by life
Tonight you’ve lived a poem
And learned things that no one should know

Chapter Text

I feel like I’m dying, you know
I’ve been watching my wrists
Because I know the second I look away
They will split in vertical lines
Letting dust and tears flow out
By the time the summer sun sets
I will be bathed in black
Buried six feet down

Because Death is pinning me against the wall
Out back behind the park I used to go to as a kid
Death’s hands are around my neck
And my hands are pulling through his hair
And our lips have met
I don’t think I’ll pull away any time soon
Because if I can keep him close
Maybe Death won’t leave me alone
It’s lonely without him
I’ll tease him
Get him close then pull away
And he’ll beg me to come back for more
But I have to remember to pull away
Because I still have to keep an eye on my wrists

Chapter Text

Last night I had a dream
I had a dream that I killed myself
I slit my wrists with no hesitation
Now was that a dream?
Or a wish?
Every sentence I write is about you
You’re all I think about
Every thought starts with you
Then ends with my heart spinning
And my wrists begging for more
So smooth and fast
A slit of the wrists
No hesitation
I had a dream
Or a wish?

Chapter Text

To get to the other side
Why are you calling me a chicken for craving death?
I am not cowardly for being tired of life
I cross the road daring cars to hit me
Because when you’re staring death in the face
You don’t care how he takes you
If there is a possibility of failing the life that has failed you
Over and over and over again
Just by crossing the road to see what’s on the other side
I’d hope that the other side will fail me less
So call me a chicken for wanting to cross the road
At least I won’t be around to hear it

Chapter Text

From the stale mattress on my bed
That I haven’t left in days
I can hear my mother and my sister fighting
In the kitchen
I can hear my father punching the punching bag outside
Because he can’t punch either of us instead
I can hear my bones crumble and my heart rotting
I won’t be leaving my bed tomorrow either

Chapter Text

A punch in the jaw would feel better
Than what you’re about to say
Stop telling me that my body is a gift from god
Stop telling me that god made me perfect the way I am
Stop telling me that if I loved my body I wouldn’t go to hell
Please, stop it, mom
I have perfectly wavy hair
That curls just how I like it in the front
I have eyes that would threaten a jungle
I have a body that I will love enough to make it mine
But you still tell me that I am nothing
That I am evil without god
Please make up your mind

Chapter Text

I’m so glad I can hug you
Did you know that bears like to watch
Beautiful things?
It’s true
Scientists have found bears looking at
Pretty flowers
And admiring sunsets
And sitting and watching
How the ripples in water move with the breeze
People don’t know why they do this
It’s just because they appreciate nice things
And I think that
If a bear saw me saying goodbye to you today
He would never look away

Chapter Text

I must have done something good
I must have done something to deserve you
But I don't know what I could have done
To earn family as good as you
I must have done something to deserve you
I don't believe that you could come from nothing
Nothing could ever come from nothing
So to find a family as good as you
Means I must have done something good

They called me their son
Their nephew
Their best friend
And I don't know what I did
To deserve people like them

Chapter Text

The stars are falling faster now
And I can just sit on the rooftop and watch
I swear to hell I can still hear the voice
Of my mother taking my head in her hands
And telling me to hold her tight
My world is ending
And a new one must arise
A trumpet of the apocalypse has shattered
And a shard is stuck in my chest
And it’s bleeding hard
My arms are going numb
But I swear
From the cracks in the ground spitting fire, I can hear
My aunt praising me and my father calling me son
Or it could be the tears in my eyes
And the dirt on my face
And the knitted jacket with safety in it’s pockets
The stars are falling faster now
And it’s time for me to go

Chapter Text

A cage of a gentle
Loving embrace
Is still a cage
Will the walls closing in until I can’t breathe
And hands that turn to knives when I pull away
And trace my sides and hold my waist
Leaving blood as a trail
To show you were there
I can still feel it
And it hurts like a saint moaning in hell

Chapter Text

Repeat after me
I will not let the church break me
Just so that the father will have someone to heal

I will take the son out back during service
And we will devour each other while I write poetry on his bare skin
And he will kiss my neck while the pastor speaks of sin inside the church
- (He is telling the chapel that to love another boy like this is sinful, not knowing that he is calling you, Jesus, a sin as well for consuming me like this)

My knees are scarred and my eyes are red
The holy ghost will not answer my prayers
I have begged him to kill me for years
Now I am certain there is no one to pray to

Chapter Text

I don't want to go
But I can feel myself starting to fade
I can see my fingertips turning to ash
And my bones feel fragile
My memory is fading too
(I've been taken into unfamiliar arms and we're dancing in a tempo I've forgotten how to count)
My voice is making one last appearance
Before it fades like the rest of me
But I feel too weak to make it known
(My muscles are turning to blood and my teeth are to skin, I'm confined to my bed and I'm fading faster now)
I don't want to leave
I know I will smile again someday
But I know I will make a greater change by leaving then staying
(There are ghosts in my blood and they scare me and the only way they will leave me alone is if I keep fading)
I'm very tired now
And I'm not going to meet the end of summer
Not while I'm fading

Chapter Text

I don't want to die
There are so many things I want to do
There are haircuts I want to try out
Maybe I'll get a mullet
I want to visit Salem and try weed and tell my friends I love them
I want my parents to know how their words sting like hell
Worse than any beating they could ever give me
I want to watch my sister grow up
I want to know what school is like
I want to not feel selfish
There are people who would do anything to have one last day alive
And here I am playing with fire and pressing blades to my wrists
Taunting death's grasp
Because I can't imagine a future where I'm happy
I want to live but I'm trapped against a rock and a hard place
Frolicking between life and death
Because death seems more realistic than living the next few years

Chapter Text

Polar bears love eating berries
Just as much as any other bear does
But they live in the Arctic
Where no fruit can grow
If there is a god
Why would he let polar bears crave something
That they will never be able to taste?

Polar bears are like me
A product of their environment
Craving something that others are simply given
That we will never be able to have

But maybe if we try hard enough
They will be able to taste sweet berries
And I will be able to climb out of bed with ease

Chapter Text

It was the end of the world
And I was watching
As everyone put their lawn chairs out to watch
There was no reason to run anymore
There’s no running away from the end of the world

I think people started to believe it
When the stars started falling
Just falling stars crushing schools and streets
Class was canceled that day

But now that today is the end
There are people in lawn chairs as far as the eye can see
Looking up to the sky and waiting for the end
The sky is a weird color
One I’ve never seen before
There are kids playing on the cement
Do they know what’s happening?
I wonder what the animals think
Who told them that today would be their last?

Everyone is filming
And I don’t know who they think is gonna watch
But the sky looks beautiful
It’s hard to believe that that’s what gonna kill us

It smells like rotten eggs
Or is that the smoke?
Or the bodies of people who didn’t want to wait?

It was the end of the world
And I was watching too
And then I was fast asleep
And we weren’t gonna wake up again

Chapter Text

Ten-year-old me is standing there
Watching eighteen-year-old me take the medicine
The medicine that will turn me into a boy
“Isn’t that a sin?” She asks me
“God made us a girl, he doesn’t make mistakes”

“Yes” I respond
“But isn’t it beautiful?”

Ten-year-old me is standing there
Watching twelve-year-old me
Shove the handful of pills into my mouth
While my other hand toys with the blade
And she asks "Isn't that a sin?
If you take your life you'll never get into heaven"

"Yes" I respond
"But no hell could be worse than this"

Chapter Text

Death, I'm sorry
I'm sorry that your lips are more intoxicating than wine
And twice as sweet

I'm sorry that I try to replace the aching of you at my wrists
With the aching of overworked muscles

I'm sorry that I still think of you
Every day

About how you would look
With blood pooling around us
And my neck raw from either a rope or your kisses
When you put your arms around me
And finally take me away

To where no mortal flesh could render me defeated
And I might be able to smile

Chapter Text

Take a seat, my friend
Let me tell you a story
A story about blood beneath your fingertips
And endless breath in your lungs

My life ended the seventh of October
But I didn’t die
Six months of sitting in a hospital chair
Watching chipped paint on the walls grow
Watching blood dry
Watching skin heal
Watching medication that I had been forbidden for so long
Flow through my brain
And take the clouds from my eyes

Let me tell you a story of recovery
About the couch I cried on for days
And a month without spilling blood
About the therapist who spoke life back into me
About endless possibilities

And yes, it is possible

Chapter Text

Mama, I kissed a boy
With lips that tasted like hot chocolate
So whenever I drink it reminds me of him

I kissed a boy with brown eyes
That only looked happy when his lips were on mine

I kissed a boy who I couldn’t fix
Who saw me dead
And wanted it himself

Mama, I left a boy
Who kissed me behind the couch
A boy who I couldn’t accept as himself
Because he felt more broken than me

Chapter Text

So... I've fallen victim to the AO3-author-curse. Since my last poem, I've been sent to five psych wards, my house has burnt down, and I was in rehab for a while. My bad, chat. New poems coming out when I have the bandwidth to write them.

Chapter Text

What does this do?
What happens if I do this?
Why does this happen?
Every day since I was young
But when my brain turned to blood
It was
What happens if I go deeper?
Would that kill me?
Is this sharp enough?
They say
Curiosity killed the cat
Will curiosity kill me too?

Chapter Text

The pins are creeping up my feet
My hands are turning against me
How do you write a scream?
Not a yell
But a blood-curdling
Scream of fear
A brain yelling “get me out”

The pins are up my legs now
And my hands are feeling it too

I’m standing to the side like a good kid
Being seen and not heard
I’m about to be heard
You better know it
I just don’t want to be seen

My earplugs are helping
But it’s all too much
Everything’s moving and everything’s
Changing
We were supposed to leave at 8
Now it’s 8:06
And the pins are in my back now

Sparks shoot up my hands
And I have to get them out

The pins are at my throat
And the scream is too

Chapter Text

My suffering isn’t poetic
They way the wind pulls at the bottom of my eyes
Isn’t noble
The way my muscles atrophy where I sit
Isn’t great

I see eyes everywhere
They follow me down the street
Up the hospital stairs
Down hallways
They’re gonna catch me

I’m haunted by the lives I tried to take
And by the man
Don’t forget the man

Chapter Text

This is the name I chose
But hearing it fall from the mouth
Of the serpent
Is the sweetest of hymns

Reaching for the body that’s mine
Like Adam reached for god
Ready for it to slip through my hands
Like sand through my palm

Why does my feeling of bliss
Tempt me so?
It sends me to hell
And kisses the devil’s neck
So close to his throat that it could tear it out
But instead it's chosen to love

Just like how my bliss could tear me apart
But instead it chooses to love

Chapter Text

Help me get drunk on life
Help me taste the notes of love
On my palate

Help me get high on the very thing
That I dread

Lay me in the grass
And teach me to leave no blade unturned
These grapes taste like you
Let your hands grow like ivy
Tethering me to the floor
Until bliss coils in my core

Man typically
Creates god in his own image

Anything’s real
To you
If you believe it

I believe in a life that I can mold into my own
Maybe I’ll find it in you

Chapter Text

Through my eyes
It's red on red
On a battlefield victorious
Now everyone is dead

The boys lay silent
Some not even in their teens

His hair, once gold
Now packed with crimson
Hands once taught to be gentle and kind
Have turned calloused and torn
Jagged and worn

Though I won
I do not feel it yet
When bodies line up
Like ants on a log
It doesn't feel right
Their fates have been set

I hold a dead one in my arms
It's all my fault
What have I done?

Babies once cradled and fed
Now barren and dead

Who was the one who told them
That a winter's day could kill?
Who was the one to draft them
Tag them
Ship them out
And still

What have I done?
I forget even why I fought
Everyone here was hurt and shot
Who was I to get them caught?

The one I hold in my arms
Gentle like glass
I know that he's already dead
I've broken him to pieces
But like a glass
What's broke feels sharp
And I deserve to be torn apart