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Chapter Text

Chapter Text

purple is watching lazy town season 1 episode 7 swiped sweets when the cooking song comes on

lazy town singers: It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake!

purple: that’s an ok song, i’ll make a challenge based of that

at the pizza place

dislike: they tried to silence me. silence the people. they fired me for misconduct. i was like, i’m literally the will of the people. but no, they just really like advertisements. so i replaced their water machines with bleach one time, and then the next thing i know, they’re promoting transphobic ads in retaliation. honestly, some people.

Rudolf: …how did I even?... never mind. Do you have any idea where I can find Joey Steel?

dislike: wasn’t that that one tweet

Skipeter: Nice Xeet, dude!

Rudolf: When did you even get… look, you said about a ‘tweet’?

dislike: yes that is what i said

Rudolf: Please elaborate on your point.

dislike: sorry, gotta get rank 8 confidant first :(

Rudolf: …what are you even talking abo- TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW.

dislike: why do you even want to find joey

Rudolf: The reasons for my goals are not relevant to you.

Skipeter: What is bro cooking

dislike: anyway this is fun but i’m pretty sure purple’s announcing the challenge soon

Rudolf: Purple being here does not

purple: actually it’s a lowercase p

Rudolf: ( immediately pulls out 5 machetes ) WHEN DID YOU

purple: i heard the sounds of challenges and decided to pop in. anyway, whilst i make 3 other pizza places for the purposes of team segregation, i set up the challenge. i’ll just get everyone here.

every contestant is immediately summoned into the center of a town

purple: hello contestants!

Matt: Fuck off and get on with your point.

purp[e: now, before i start the first challenge, i hosted a popularity contest form thing to see standings and wanted to share the results of that. we got 6 people voting altogether, which is more than i expected for this first episode tbh, so i’m pretty happy :)

autism creature: YIPPEE!!!

(........)

Pringles: WHAT IS THAT?

purple: just kinda around to say yippee sometimes. 

Matt: What, is it your pet or something?

purple: no that’s the goose

Untitled Goose: HONK!

red: …

purple: what? did you not think i would have a buddy? can’t watch people all the time, you know?

Untitled Goose

“HONK!”

origin: Untitled Goose Game

pronouns: they/them

likes: chaos

dislikes: the sounds of joy

Goose: HONK!

Akechi: Out of all the individuals present, the goose does seem relatively normal.

Goose: holding a knife

Akechi: I retract my statement.

red: why? everyone likes knives, right?

Dude: Knives are overrated. You gotta use guns, in true American fashion. I’ve collected several from all the protestors alone!

Syphilis: Di-di-di-did you ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-kill

Dude: I prefer to think of it as ‘helping out the funeral directors’. 

Akechi: Is it really that wise to confess to mass murder in front of a police detective?

red: aren’t you also

Akechi: JUST BECAUSE I’ve caused a few mental shutdowns DOESN’T MEAN I’m not a police officer. If anything, I’m still one of the less corrupt individuals in Japan’s justice system.

Dude: I’m from Arizona. You can’t do shit.

Akechi: Would you like to test that theory?

purple: btw, since we have at least 9 or so mass murderers here, i’ve set up an automatic revival system. so after 5 seconds of being dead you’ll just revive.

Jesus: Better than 3 days. 

GUEST 666: WAIT FULLSTFOP.

dislike: that’s redundant

g: g

GUEST 666: DOES THISD MEAN, I CACNFT DEATH MURFDERF KIDXLL PEODPLE HEFERE?!

Syphilis: WHY IS THAT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO??

purple: can’t kill contestants, but can kill other people

GUEST 666: ILL PSLAYD THE SGBAME OF WAIGTING AND I WIDLF KILDF ALL THED OTHERS SOOFN BECSAUDW IM RHE BESTESDT CEREAL KIDFLLER!!!!!!!!! AJHAHASHAHBASBABAHBASHBAHBAHKAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purple: anyway, we got 6 responses

Skipeter: Pog

red: kill yourself

purple: so let’s start with team popularity. here are the votes:

• poo poo bum bum wee wee - 1
• Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz - 2
• uwu - 1
• sans undertale gaming - 2

uh, that’s a tie, but this is just kinda done for the sake of it anyway so who cares? 

Omori: …

Ralph: Our team would be more popular if it wasn’t for the PIRATE FILTH.

Greg: Arrr, ye bilge rat, yer just mad ye bricked yer 3DS.

Ralph: NUH UH

purple: uh, yeah, i’ll give reasons here:

• White_Tiger - i really like every team (team names aside) and this one just has the least ehhh members (poo poo bum bum wee wee)
• thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain - owo (uwu)
• Aoife - Fortnite battle pass,just shit out my ass (Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz)
• Hey, it’s me Goku! - brrr skiHEY PETER bop bop bop yes yes skiPETER double u [Fort Nite] (Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz)
• [no name given] - Funny birds (sans undertale gaming)
• slag - sans (sans undertale gaming)

Akechi: About one of those was a genuine and coherent reason. 

Skipeter: My style is ridic-dic-diculous-diculous-diculous brrr

red: don’t even try it cunt

sans: wow, you’re mad. seems like you got a lot of spine . ( ba dum tss )

Akechi: Where did that drum roll even come from? What are you hiding?

sans: better question, how did you even get so much LOVE?

Akechi: I’m filled with one emotion, and it certainly isn’t love.

sans: i’m referring to a different kind of LOVE.

Akechi: Ah, you mean the love I will have for the process of finally getting rid of my shithead father when I become all powerful in the real world as well as the Metaverse.

sans: not very ‘perfect detective prince’ in the flesh, huh?

Akechi: As it turns out, everyone already seems to know what I’ve done. Why bother with pleasantries and playing a role I hate?

purple: also did least popular teams. here they are:

• poo poo bum bum wee wee - 2
• Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz - 1
• uwu - 2
• sans undertale gaming - 1

and reasons!

• White_Tiger - I don’t like the baby. (uwu)
• thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain - skipeter toilet (Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz)
• Aoife - Meriel bullies me (uwu)
• Hey, it’s me Goku! - jesus carries, but the weight of this team was more than a cross (sans undertale gaming)
• [no name given] - Convinced me to Kill myself (poo poo bum bum wee wee)
• slag - the name. ick. (poo poo bum bum wee wee)

dislike: i’m so proud

supply: Of something so DISGRACEFUL and UNACCEPTABLE?!

dislike: i thrive of negetivity

red: you mean nagativity

GUEST 666: Y’OURE BOTH WRONG, ITDS SPEFLT NEEFDMJGVDEJHBDEGJVEDG<JVEDGETFFIFIVIFFFCHJNCXFRFTRDOUKJDSKUSJWSWSN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHJAHAHAHASHASHAHBAHJASVJLASHJASHYBLIH@ASHAHAGHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

red: how the fuck

Skipeter: mid

PS3 Baby: Some One Will Be Play Ing B3low Soon ( creepy laughter )

Blahaj: disturbed shark noises

Charlie: yeah, I see why they want you gone. christ.

Jesus: Yes, I am here.

purple: uhhh, contestant popularity! here’s who got those votes:

• Syphilis - 1
• supply - 1
• Crow Agent Watch - 1
• g - 1
• Skipeter toilet - 1
• Queen - 1

and why:

• White_Tiger - they’re the goat!!!
  special shout out to red, youtube dislike button, g, crow agent watch, goro, omori, morbius, bible, goomba, blahaj wow this cast is sort of really good (Queen)
• thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain - g (g)
• Aoife - I loveee STDs (Syphilis)
• Hey, it’s me Goku! - brrr skiHEY PETER bop bop bop yes yes skiPETER double u [Fort Nite], need i say more? (Skipeter)
• [no name given] - I am a fellow crow enjoyer, I do much supporting (Crow Agent Watch)
• slag - so accurate (supply)

Skipeter: Now I can really become the rizzler! This is truly fanum tax, my fellow Sigma Chad.

red: how the fuck did the toilet get a vote and i didn’t?

Charlie: hey, you got shouted out.

Alex: So did Crow Agent Watch! And they got a vote! Does that mean they’re technically the most popular contestant?

Crow: Thank you, [no name given], for your vote. And thank you for the credit card number, expiry date and security code I am going to ask you about later.

Jesus: I was referred to as ‘Bible’.

Syphilis: I WAS CALLED AN STD!

Matt: If the shoe fits…

Syphilis: YOU CALLED ME THIS!

Matt: And?

g: g

Queen: spins around in happiness

Morbius: This is not morbin’ like myself.

Reagan: Where are all the loyal Americans? They seem to have been SILENCED. Likely by the SOVIETS.

Charlie: or, just, y’know, no one likes you? the more likely option?

purple: speaking of which, here’s the contestants who have people praying on their downfall:

• red - 1
• PS3 Baby - 1
• GUEST 666 - 1
• Skipeter - 1
• Omori - 1
• Rudolf Antler - 1

and why:

• White_Tiger - Cease the infant.
  Mention of shame to the individual “Skipeter Toilet”. (PS3 Baby)
• thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain - brr skibidi bop bop bop NO NO (Skipeter)
• Aoife - Omrori (Omori)
• Hey, it’s me Goku! - not really a big fan of hitler (Rudolf Antler)
• [no name given] - Convinced me to commit toaster bath (red)
• slag - absolute knob tbh (GUEST 666)

red: wow. you tell some people to kill themselves a few times, demean them, belittle them, pressure them into legitimately committing suicide, stigmatize them, isolate them, and watch as they finally give in to fate and throw themselves through an airlock and die, and YOU’RE THE BAD GUY. honestly, so short sighted.

supply: …yes, that is generally considered sociopathic behaviour and it isn’t exactly the kind of value people appreciate in life.

Dude: No, I get it. Some people really do just deserve it. Like the reindeer who’s apparently a Nazi.

Rudolf: I’m not Hitler. 

Alex: I’m also not Hitler!

Omori: …

Matt: Impressively, you have managed to spell your name in a way that is similar to Hitler. How does it feel, reindeer?

Rudolf: I don’t discriminate. I kill whoever I’m paid to.

red: but who do you vote for

Rudolf: I don’t vote. I’m not Hitler. Just because I killed Saint Nicholas doesn’t mean I’m Hitler.

Nook: But your name is spelt like whoever this ‘Hitler’ fellow is, yes yes?

Matt: How the fuck do you not know who Hitler is?

Syphilis: Di-di-did he s-s-say he ki-ki-ki-ki-kikikiki-kill killed killed Santa

Reagan: The Nazis and Hitler are the only thing worse than the Soviets!

Nook: What is a ‘Soviet’?

Matt: How the fu- I KNOW WHAT THE SOVIET UNION IS AND I’M A FUCKING SPORTSMAN!

Goomba: I don’t know who Hitler is, but if he’s the worst, than that means Mario is Hitler.

Akechi: Is this a joke? Because if it is, you have a twisted sense of humor.

dislike: goomba. my friend. my buddy. my non binary honey. i think it’s time.

Goomba: For Mario to get his organs ripped out? Also what was that last

dislike: for you to know

Goomba: …are you involved with him? 

dislike: the awful truth.

Goomba: ARE YOU INVOLVED?!

dislike: the truth about me and the truth about you cause you’re a brand new species, big cat

Pringles: A big cat killed my family once! It was not very happy. I cried for years. Then I ate Pringles and now I feel better!

everyone is silent

Pringles: Buy Pringles.

Akechi: I’m more partial to curry, in all hones

Pringles: Then burn in agony.

Akechi: …

Pringles: Buy Pringles!

PS3 Baby: Now That We Have Estab Lished That White Under Score Tiger Must Die, May We Get On With The Challenge

purple: yep. whilst i set up 3 more pizza places, you got the challenge.

Goose: HONK!

purple: goose will co host btw. they’re a cool pet. i love them.

g: g

purple: …uh, thanks, i think? anyway, it’s a piece of cake to

GUEST 666: DONT YOU DAZRE SINFGD THE LAZY TOWN  SOGN !!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MADDDENEDINGEND IT MAKES ME TO REALIZSED THAT I CANNOT KKILL THEM AND MAKE THEMXD EAD, THEREFFORE BEIG UBNABLE TO SPREADF MY OWN INFLDUENCE OF CDESPAIR THROUGVH THE MASSESD OF CHILDTREN?!!!!!! THOUGVH I CAN STILLD KILLED THEM!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHKAShkASHKAHKASHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

red: are you just going to do that laugh every time

GUEST 666: YES!!!!!!!! AHAHAJHAJHLSHLASHKASHLAAHAHASHKASHKLAHAHSAHHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

supply: I’m not paid enough for this

purple: yeah, you just gotta bake a cake. whichever cake is the best wins.

Chicken: hops in determination

sans: oh, hey, i knew someone who was obsessed with determination. they were interesting.

purple: whichever cake is the worst is up for elimination in the nostalgically named emergency meeting

red: i hate you

purple: anyway, 3, 2, 1…

Goose: HONK!

the challenge begins. immediately, poo poo bum bum wee wee runs into a roadblock

supply: RIGHT. Apparently, 3 of us couldn’t even come PREPARED by bringing LIMBS, and I know for a fact the shark won’t be able to cook. This is ALREADY going poorly. Man with all the guns, can you cook?

Dude: Unless you count that time I ‘cooked’ the police with lighter fluid and a match, the only thing I can cook is crack!

supply: There is so much wrong with what you said so I’m skimming past it. Morbius, can you cook?

Morbius: Why cook when you can morb?

supply: UNACCEPTABLE!

dislike: can you cook

supply: NO!

dislike: that’s sad. anyway i did something

Blahaj: shark noises of intrigue

supply: Oh, really? What did you do that can fix this MESS?! Does it even matter? NONE OF US CAN BAKE!!!

dislike: but the stay puft marshmallow man can

supply: …what?

the stay puft marshmallow man drops in from a portal

stay puft: I SOLD MY ORGANS TO BUY ROBUX AND LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!!

supply: …

dislike: who better to make food than food? ( said as stay puft destroys the surroundings )

Goomba: Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t think this through?

Dude: Hey, he’ll come around eventually, I’m sure!

supply: …

elsewhere, uwu is running into problems

Pringles: YES!!!!

PS3 Baby: I Refuse

Pringles: Look, all I’m saying is that everyone loves Pringles!

PS3 Baby: You Are Object Ively Wrong, Pringles Should Not Be In Cake

Pringles: Pringles work with everything!

PS3 Baby: Pringles Are Nothing Com Pared To The Look On Peoples Faces When I Fill Their Nightmares With Images Of Burning Family Members

Pringles: Pringles are the best!

Greg: Pringles be mediocarr, ye landlubber.

Pringles: YOU TAKE THAT BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph: I now think we should make Pringles cake, so you, PIRATE, are wrong.

Alex: ( to Omori ) You wanna go to Marks and Spencers and get a Colin the Caterpillar? I’m not the best at baking and they seem like they’re dealing with their own problems.

Omori: nods

Alex: Great! Let’s go get caked up!

Alex, Omori and the Chicken go to M&S

meanwhile, sans undertale gaming is having issues

Matt: I think that, in order to secure our victory, we should poison the other cakes.

Syphilis: W-W-WHY WAS TH-TH-THAT YOUR FIRST THOUGHT??

Matt: ( pulling out a vial ) I will win, no matter what I have to do.

Jesus drinks the poison

Matt: Why would you do that. You idiot. You fucking idiot. You fucking braindead idiot. You absolute fucking braindead fucking idiot. You fool. You absolute buffoon. You drank the poison I was going to use on the other cakes.

Jesus: No harm shall come to me.

Matt: I don’t care about YOU, I men in terms of winning.

Crow: It seems that you have made a minor spelling mistake, my fellow teammate.

Matt: Fuck off.

Nook: Well, it seems we are in need of an alternative, hmm?

Syphilis: Uh, I can’t make normal cakes, but I can make pancakes?

sans: i mean, it works for

Akechi: No.

sans: i’m pretty sure we’re a bit lacking in other options, like i’m lacking in general organs. ( ba dum tss )

Akechi: Make as many bad puns as you desire, but I refuse to be involved in the making of pancakes. They ruined my entire operation, destroyed my aspirations, they cost me my LIFE. They led to my downfall. It was not pretty. I had everything RIGHT THERE, in the palm of my hand, but like Icarus, I had flown too close to the sun. They took everything from me.

Matt: They’re fucking pancakes.

Crow: I also do not like pancakes. If I may inquire, what would be your preferred type of cake?

Nook: I’ve always been partial to Victoria Sp

sans: ketchup

Crow: I see, I see. I also happen to like a KETCHUP flavoured cake.

Akechi: I’m not sure how I was able to understand that when it was simply a mumble, but nonetheless, I would prefer a ketchup flavoured cake to PANCAKES.

Matt: Are you fucking kidding me?

Jesus: The will of the people has spoken.

Matt: WHY.

Syphilis: I d-d-d-don’t kn-kn-know how t-t-t-t-to bake a-a-a-a ketchup fl-fl-flavoured-ed-ed cake!

Nook: I can provide lessons

Syphilis: …really?

Nook: for around 300000 Bells. A fair deal, yes yes?

sans: i may not have a lot of bells, but i have a lot of heart. wait, no, turns out i’m lacking in that department as well. ( ba dum tss )

Akechi: …that one wasn’t the worst, at least. Better than having to listen to that INFURIATING cat. 

sans: so ketchup flavoured cake it is

Akechi: Wait, I never fully agreed to

Nook: If you would like to explore other options, all you need is 40000 Bells, hmm?

Akechi: I am back to hating you, skeleton. If we were in the Metaverse, you would be singing to a VERY DIFFERENT tune right now.

MEGALOVANIA starts playing

Akechi: …what?

sans: what? you said a very different tune. this is different. makes it more atmospheric.

Matt is gone

Akechi: …we have lost the person who started off by recommending poison.

sans: uh oh, spaghetti-o

Papyrus: SPAGHETTI?!

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz is also there

Reagan: In this present crisis, we need a leader who is willing to take bold action. As President of the glorious country that is America, I believe it would be best for me to lead us to freedom against the Soviet scum. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

GUEST 666: BUT WHAT IF I DEADIFY YOU?! WHAT THDN, PRSECEDENT?! AHAKHAKHLSHAHLHAHAKHASHKSAHUAIHASBIAXHAA@AH:AH:AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Charlie: not a big fan of US presidents, to be completely honest. also when are we going to start baking this cake? because I can actually bake. can the rest of you?

red: you’d be surprised how much you need to cook in space, even when you are a shapeshifting alien sneaking on the ship to kill everyone

Charlie: yeah, i get that. as for the rest of you girls/bros/non binary hoes?

GUEST 666: I DO NOT XNEEDXC TO COXK, I FEZSZT ON THE BLOD OF MY ENEMRIES WITCH IS EVERTYONE BECZUSE THDEY ARE STILL LIVIGN WHICH MEASN I HAVEDNT DEADIFIED THEM YET AND I ADM DISAPPOFINTED IN MYSEF FOR THAT!!!!! BUT YOU MORTASLD ARE NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHSHSABHSYSHJASHJASHSAHBSAKHSAHAHAHAKJDKJBDWKJBWJBWWJBWJBJBWKBJWKJBWJKWWKJBWDKJ<NDWBKJSHSHBHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reagan: I don’t need to cook up anything except the storm which will hit the enemies of FREEDOM.

Skipeter: Yeah he’s not cooking shit

Rudolf: I had to learn how to cook just so I could survive when I got kicked out of art school.

red: …yeah, i’m seeing the parallels

Rudolf: I’M NOT HITLER. I’m just a normal reindeer. Just a reindeer who has been hired to find and assassinate Joey Steel. The ‘Youtube Dislike Button’ referred to a ‘tweet’. Does anyone have any clue what that may mean?

red: if you help us do the cooking by the book, i’ll help you find whoever the fuck joey steel is

Rudolf: Thank you. 

Queen: is trying to do the club penguin dance, realizes they don’t have limbs, proceeds to look down dejectedly

Charlie: so three people can cook. probably better than the other teams, so let’s bake. what flavour?

Skipeter: Pizza. Like, Freddy FAZBEAR pizza.

Reagan: AMERICA.

GUEST 666: THE SODUFLS OFV MDY ENEDMIESXD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHGABHJASNMBABAJHMNBAJHMNBAJKHMANBJKAHMNBASJHMABNJUHAMNBJAHNBASJHMNABJHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Queen: is unable to talk

red: thanks for nothing, dickheads

Charlie: it’s OK. I’m very good at baking! so good the kitchen fired me because I was too good and also embezzlement but that bit’s not so relevant

red: let’s bake chocolate fudge

whilst they do that, Alex, Omori and the Chicken go to get food. but not just food. M&S food.

Alex: Think we stick with Colin?

Omori: nods

Alex: Cool! I like eating Colin! I just like eating cake in general! Cake is pretty cool! Almost as cool as diamonds!

they pay and leave just as the entire shop explodes in various places, killing several people

Matt: Damn it, they just ignored it. Well, time for Plan B…

elsewhere, at poo poo bum bum wee wee

dislike: on second thought, this may not have been the best of ideas

Goomba: OH, YOU THINK?!

supply: This is UNACCEPTABLE behaviour. Do you understand? We CANNOT go on like this.

stay puft marshmallow man: you’re not even a real teacher stfu

supply: I am JUST AS MUCH AS TEACHER AS ANYONE ELSE!! I am PERFECTLY QUALIFIED!!! It’s students like you who don’t seem to understand that I’M STILL A TEACHER!

stay puft: i have been dead since 1984.

supply: Uh, well, that’s, uh, not an excu

stay puft: my whole family is dead.

supply: …

stay puft: I miss my wife, Tails. I miss her a lot. I’ll be back.

stay puft marshmallow man departs

supply: ..my name’s not Tails.

Goomba: Sure it isn’t. Also, we are fucked.

Dude: walks in and puts a triple tier red velvet cake on the table

dislike: seriously? red velvet? red velvet is overrated

supply: Never mind that, HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

g: g

Dude: Oh, don’t worry, I cleaned up afterwards. Sure, I may be a murderous, gun wielding maniac who turned an ordinary kitchen into a Tarantino scene, but I’m not completely uncivilized!

Goomba: Was Mario there?

Dude: No.

Goomba: Damn it. Was really hoping he’d finally die.

Morbius: But hey, I am now Venom. You see, the joke is funny because I have referenced Venom from Spider Man, but I am not actually Venom, so it is ironic. However, it is also a clever and subtle reference to the Venom movies, which are owned and produced by Sony, who also made the film Morbius (2022). Do you get it? Laugh. 

elsewhere

red: so this cake is shit

Rudolf: Yes, but the other one should secure our victory.

Charlie: yeah, that one was shit, but the OTHER ONE?! This is beautiful.

red: like, seriously, it’s a good thing we made a backup cake that was THIS good. like, seriously, what the fuck was this?

Charlie: something we won’t have to turn in! it’s not like, say, some kinda blocky guy is going to emerge from some orb right onto the good cake, therefore destroying it, and proceed to monologue at us about how he’s going to kill us before he kills the cake and we all fight him and probably lose!

Rudolf: …

red: why would you say that

a blocky guy emerges from an orb right onto the good cake, therefore destroying it

Minos Prime from Ultrakill: Ah. Free at last. Oh, Gabriel, now dawns thy reckoning. And thy gore shall GLISTEN before the Temples of Man. Creatures of flesh, my gratitude upon thee for my freedom. But the CRIMES thy kind have committed against culinary are NOT FORGOTTEN. And thy punishment… is DEATH.

Minos Prime proceeds to destroy the good cake as Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz watch whilst ORDER plays

red: WHAT THE FUCK

Minos Prime: Useless.

red: no seriously what the fuck

Minos Prime: I have succeeded in my divine goal, and now, my children, thy salvation shall be definite.

red: YOU DESTROYED OUR FUCKING CAKE

Minos Prime: There is another.

red: that one’s shit

Minos Prime: Now, where is Gabriel?

red: i don’t know who that is! jesus!

Jesus: Thou shalt not

Rudolf: Can it. Where’s Joey Steel.

Minos Prime: That name is unrecognizable.

Rudolf: Then you’ve wasted everyone’s time.

Minos Prime: I will find this ‘Joey Steel’ but first, thy must tell me where Gabriel has retreated to.

Reagan: Now, I don’t know who you think you are, but I am not going to let you take the life of this ‘Gabriel’, this likely innocent man, you eveil

Charlie: shut up pro lifer

Minos Prime: Thy demise shall be imminent if thy engage in battle with me. Do thy wish to proceed?

Reagan: If you believe in freedom and all that is good, then let the light of God protect us and let us strike down this scum!

Charlie: you had every other time to say this

GUEST 666: YOU HTINK TYOUA RE A BETTDER KILLDER THAN ME, MORTAR?! IM GOING TO EXTREMEVIOLENCE YOU WITFH MYD KNIFED!!!!!!! AHAHJASHSHBSAHASHBASHASHBASHAHAHAHBSBHASHBSHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

red: see i get this guy, but more importantly, you destroyed my cake. for that, i’m going to show you what an imposter i actually am.

Skipeter: We’re going to John Ultrakill him like the rizzlords we are!

red: actually can you kill the toilet

Charlie: eh, I’m bored, might as well commit first degree murder.

Rudolf: I will not fail.

Queen: makes a ‘i’ll just go with the crowd’ gesture

red: so we’re all agreed? we’re beating the shit out of this guy?

varying degrees of excitement, but overall a yes

Reagan: FOR AMERICA!!!

Minos Prime: Thy choice is made. Now, PREPARE THYSELF!!!!!

Minos Prime proceeds to wipe everyone out except the Skipeter toilet

Skipeter: Woah, this is a real ‘Battle Royale’ we got on our hands! This is definitely reaching ‘Fortnite’ levels of epic gamerness!

Minos Prime: JUDGEMENT!!!!

Minos Prime tries to attack the Skipeter toilet, but then gets blocked by robotic claws

Skipeter: whistles in the Josh Hutcherson tune  

Minos Prime: Creature of steel?

Skipeter: Can you blow my FREDDY FAZBEAR FREDDY FAZBEAR ur ur ur ( proceeds to hit the King of Lust repeatedly with a laser )

Minos Prime: Forgive me, my children, for I have failed to bring you salvation from this cold, dark world. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( dies like a bitch )

Skipeter: Chat, I have achieved the Number One Victory Royale! This really is a ‘Family Guy Funny Moments’. 

purple: and there’s a cake there! horrible looking cake, but still a cake!

Skipeter: Were you referencing Persona 5? Because I ‘didn’t see it coming’! No, really, you just came out of nowhere, took me my surprise, really skibideez’d there.

purple: …skibideez’d?

Skipeter: SkibiDEEZ NUTS!!!!

purple: cool, what flavour is it

Skipeter: Strawberry cheesecake

purple: ooooh, nice, i’ll mark you as done

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: clear

back at uwu

PS3 Baby: laughing creepily

Greg: I don’t see what yer laughing aboot. When I tried to plunder the booty from the PS3, I found no gold because there be no games on the PS3.

PS3 Baby: ( stops laughing ) You Have Commi Ted Treason A Gainst The Play Sta Tion Three, For That You Must PAY

Ralph: I WILL DESTROY YOU, PIRATE!!!!!

Greg: Arrr, I will no take this from an arachnid who couldn’ even find ‘is way out of a open chest and an infant who sounds like a drowned monkey playin’ the accordion, me matey.

Alex: Guess who got cake?

Chicken: hops in appreciation

Omori: becomes HAPPY

Pringles: Is it made out of Pringles?

Alex: We got Colin from Marks and Spencers!

Pringles: …this once.

purple: hey thats a pretty nice looking colin

Ralph: WHAT THE FUCK

PS3 Baby: How Did You Sneak Up On Me I Am Liter Ally Psychic What

Greg: ARRR, DO NO SCARE ME LIKE THAT!! Me heart can’t take it, I might’ve ended up plunging right into Davy Jones’ Locker!

Omori: became NEUTRAL

purple: anyway, you didn’t really bake anything but colin’s cool so i’ll give you a pass this time

uwu: clear

back at sans undertale gaming

sans: sorry, bro. i’ll invite you to the next game show i get included on.

Papyrus: NOT IF YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING THOSE LOW EFFORT PUNS!!!!! IF YOU PUT AS MUCH ‘BACKBONE’ INTO YOUR SENTRY POST AS YOU DO INTO MAKING THOSE PUNS, YOU’D STILL BE DOING NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion comes out of nowhere and proceeds to kill Papyrus

Ralph: YOU ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADED A ROM OF PLOK FOR THE SNES, FOR THAT YOU MUST PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph leaves as suddenly as he appeared whilst sans stands silently

Akechi: …well, at least we have somehow managed to make a cake.

Syphilis: I didn’t know I could do it!

Matt: Is the cake good?

Nook: You took your time getting here, hmm?

Matt: Is the cake good?

Syphilis: I.. think?

Matt: What about the rest of you?

Akechi: Sadly, my baking skills are not as optimal as I’d hope. The curse of having so little free time. So I left it to Syphilis. I trust that she would’ve settled the matter.

sans: i was too busy ‘befriending’ your mom last night.

Crow: Sadly, us crows are suboptimal at baking. We have dedicated our time to hooting instead.

Matt: Are you all completely incompetent?

Syphilis: I.. made the cake?

Matt: …you get to live. For now.

Nook: I don’t think that’s how you praise someone, but maybe it would make my sla-I mean, loyal, definitely not underpaid workers more efficient, yes yes…

Matt: Is the cake good?

Syphilis: I.. hope?

Matt: Not good enough. ( proceeds to slice the cake into pieces )

Syphilis: W-W-WHAT WAS THAT F-F-FOR??

Matt: You weren’t confident enough, and you’re too shaky to have made something completely edible. Now, here’s my plan. I found a different kind of cake.

Matt pulls out a body bag

Syphilis: barely forming words

Jesus: Have you learnt NOTHING about the cycle of violence?

Akechi: Are you a COMPLETE fool?! HOW does this help us?!

Nook: Oh no, he outsourced.

Akechi: What do you mean ‘outso’- HOW DOES THE BODY BAG HELP US ANYWAY?!

Matt: opens the bag

yellow from among us: singing caramelldansen

Matt: See? All caked up.

sans: even i couldn’t come up with a bad pun with that level of execution. even my brother beat me, given that’s he already executed. ( there’s not even a drum snare because they’re too busy trying to figure out whether that was a pun or just a statement and are also mildly scared that he’ll flip out at any moment if they choose the wrong option )

Syphilis: Y-y-y-y-you d-d-d-d-dest-destroyed my c-c-cake f-f-f-f-for a-a-a-a-a p-p-p-pun?

Jesus: At least they are alive. 

purple: unconventional but i respect it

Matt: JESUS CHRIST

Jesus: Yes, I am here.

Syphilis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Akechi: WHAT THE FU- WHERE DID YOU- I AM AN ACE DETECTIVE, HOW DID YOU ELUDE ME?!

purple: gets funnier each time. you done

Matt: Yes.

purple: b

sans undertale gaming: clear

back at poo poo bum bum wee wee

Blahaj: happy shark noises

Morbius: I agree, this is pretty morbin’.

purple: what is?

Goomba: jumps back in shock

supply: YOU CAN’T JUST APPEAR LIKE THAT OUT OF NOWHERE!!

Dude: Hey, don’t just sneak up like that! You scared the shit out of me!

purple: ok so that’s everyone

poo poo bum bum wee wee: clear

purple: let’s teleport to the kitchen then to see who lost

everyone is in a kitchen

purple: …now that i think of it, i should have just brought everyone here. ok, so, Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz is mostly unconscious, so, like, gotta wait for that.

dislike button pours a bucket of corrosive acid on them, killing them until they revive 5 seconds later

red: i’ve died 3 times now, all in very different circumstances, and that was my least favourite one. fuck you, you red thumbs down thing.

dislike: owo

purple: anyway, for the taste test, i have universally loved fred here

universally loved fred: hi! just call me fred, it’s alright

dislike: oh hey i love this guy

fred: i’ll taste these great looking cakes! ( takes a slice out of ppbbww’s triple tier red velvet cake ) mmmm, i love red velvet cake!

Morbius: He is definitely one of us. Morbi-us. Love that guy, by the way.

fred: now for Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz! ( takes a slice of the strawberry cheesecake ) not the best, but this is still pretty nice!

red: we did it, rudy

Rudolf: Just because fred’s here and I love him.

fred: next is sans undertale gaming! ( takes a slice out of yellow and eats it ) nice cake here, compliments to the chef!

yellow: classic fred. love that guy

fred: ooooh, a colin! big colin fan. ( takes a slice out of colin and eats it ) the poison adds a nice flavour!

fred proceeds to drop to the floor and die

Matt: …I didn’t want it to be you, but I guess… we have to make sacrifices. ( holding a vial of rat poison in his pocket )

everyone else(except the non verbal characters): screams of despair

Omori: becomes MISERABLE

purple: …this… is… i guess… uwu loses the challenge… i need to go lie down…

UWU HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

purple: yeah, i’m in despair. i’ll just… set up the form… should probably explain it…

Queen: moves in a frowny face direction

purple: you vote for who you want to get a prize and then they are safe if they get the most prize votes. you also get to vote for what that prize is. and then you vote for who you personally want out and why. you know how it is. i’m gonna go mourn now. team pizza places are now open by the way.

voteing over sorry :(

stay puft: so, you have a grudge now, right?

Minos Prime: Thy aspirations are ones I would like to be involved in. 

stay puft: i’m collecting a team. a team which shall overthrow the purple crewmate and propel us to godhood. you may be a prime soul, but surely there are things even you struggle with?

Minos Prime: The creature of steel must repent for th(y)eir crimes against humanity. 

stay puft: good. now let us prepare, for we have a lot to do if we’re going to do this right. luckily, it turns out we have a man on the inside. a man known as ‘Joey Steel’. ( proceeds to laugh evilly because he’s a villain oh no D: )

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Skipeter toilet, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Queen from chess, Rudolf Antler

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

Chapter Text

purple: ok it’s voting time

Akechi: It is 4 in the morning.

g: g

purple: yeah you got the spirit

red: i am going to stab you

ourple: with what knife

red: my… 

6 seconds pass

red: where the fuck is my knife

purple: idk

red: who stole my knife. who the fuck stole my knife. which one of you has a death wish.

purple: ( really quietly and to the viewers ) btw i turned off automatic revival because it’s more interesting, don’t tell guest 666 tho

red: never mind the 9 year old roleplayer ass bitch, WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY KNIFE?!

Akechi: Wait, I didn’t hear what purple said, could you repea

Skipeter: Damn that’s crazy

red: SHUT THE FUCK UP WHO STOLE MY KNIFE

Syphilis: W-W-WHY DO Y-Y-Y-YOU EVE-E-EN HAVE A KN-KN-KNIFE?!

red: IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT

Syphilis: HOW??

red: COMFORT WEAPON, WHO TOOK IT

purple: anyway voting time

everyone is teleported to the skeld cafeteria

red: YOU ARE NOT MAKING THINGS BETTER

purple: cool, anyway, it’s time for the elmination, also known as:

Emergency Meeting

red: i fucking hate you

purple: so, since uwu lost, they shall head to the airlock where one will be voted off. not by you tho, our viewers voted last episode.

Ralph: DAMN IT! I was hoping to rig it against the filthy PIRATE!

Greg: Why do ye hav’ a grudge agains’ downloadin’ media off the internet?

Ralph: SHUT UP!

Greg: Arr.

purple: so, uh, we got 7 responses, which is pretty cool! anyway, we’re going to start with a prize vote. so alex, ralph and pringles didn’t get any prize votes, sorry :(

Alex: Is it because of the lack of updates? I don’t control Mojang, sorry!

Ralph: ( turning to Greg ) YOU RIGGED IT, YOU RIGGED IT, YOU USED YOUR EVIL PIRATE MAGIC TO RIG IT!

Greg: Arrr, ye bilge rat, ye should stop makin’ excuses for yer own failure.

Ralph: SHUT UP!

Pringles: NOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE ALL WALKERS SHILLS!!!!

purple: yes, very sad. uh, chicken and ps3 baby got one vote each for prize

PS3 Baby: The Xbots Have Attac Ked, I See

Greg: That, or, yer know, people jus’ don’t like the creepy infant with a console not ev’n werth stealin’ from.

PS3 Baby: Perish

Chicken: hops back and forth

purple: next was greg homebrew himself, who got 2 prize votes!

Greg: Aye! Thank ye, thank ye! Yer all part of me crew spiritually! Next, yer jus’ need to mod yer 3DS, which ev’n the most irritatin’ and incompetent knave could do!

Ralph: SHUT UP, IT’S RIGGED

purple: anyway, this means omori won the prize vote, at 3 votes. your prize was voted to be a knife, so here you go.

Omori is given a knife and becomes ECSTATIC

red: …it seems… that you now have… my knife. (.......) Sleep with one eye open, motherfucker.

purple: here’s voting reasons for prize and stuff:

• White_Tiger - ...for a second i thought alex was the one from YIIK and not minecraft lmao also uhhhhh imagine i put a really funny reference to a gameplay mechanic for omori (which i definitely (did not) played) (Omori)
• beaner (thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain) - nkife (Omori)
• [no name given] - PS3 is.like a nut you can play with inside (PS3 Baby)
• Apex of existence true and unbound - Bro hates cars (Chicken)
• Hey it's me, Goku! - well, i was going to give it to ralph, he's doing such a good job getting rid of piracy, but that's not a noble deed, so i picked the guy who does piracy instead for standing up to such a formidable force (Greg Homebrew)
• Gregfan1983 - Greg Homebrew if greg has no fans i am dead (Greg Homebrew)
• Waitfer - Because (Omori)

Skipeter: Piik A Postmodern RPG mentioned, day improved

Ralph: GOKU, YOU HAVE MADE AN ENEMY TODAY. BE WARNED. I WILL FIND YOU. AND I WILL FORCE YOU TO PAY FOR MEDIA LEGITIMATELY!!!!!!!

PS3 Baby: PS3 Only Does Every Thing

Greg: Except hav’ games, arr.

PS3 Baby: I Am Going To Doxx You

purple: now, onto elimination votes. btw, omori is now safe because they won prize votes

Omori: still ECSTATIC, calms himself down, now NEUTRAL again

Ralph: Watch, PIRATE. You’ll be the most voted out.

purple: greg homebrew

Ralph: SEE?!

purple: did not get voted, along with omori and the chicken

Ralph: FUCK!

Greg: Me heart goes out to all of ye, me mateys!

Omori: spins around in appreciation

red: more time for me to get my knife off of you, you fucking monochrome bitch

Omori: … ( twirls knife )

red: fuck you

Ralph, Wait, people voted for me?

purple: 1 person did, same with alex

Alex: But we’re safe, right?

purple: yes

Alex: Thank you, thank you, thank you, I’ll try my best to get the grappling hook in Minecraft permanently

purple: the what?

Alex: You know, from the April Fools update?

Akechi: Why are we doing this at 4 AM? Would it not be more beneficial to wait for a later time when we are all less tired and more refreshed?

purple: probably. anyway, to add suspense, one person here got 4 votes and one got 1 vote as well.

PS3 Baby: I Am Confi Dent People Like Me More Than The Dumb Crisp Brand

purple: ps3 baby got 4 votes and is getting eliminated, pringles guy stays with one vote

Pringles: I’M ALIVE, I’M ALIVE!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! PEOPLE TOLERATE PRINGLESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS3 Baby: What. RIGGED

purple: here are the reasons people gave:

• White_Tiger - You have antagonized me for the final time. Come, "Playstation 3 Advert Baby", for your end is imminent. (PS3 Baby)
• beaner (thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain) - did you know it’s surprisingly easy to mod a 3ds (Ralph)
• [no name given] - It sucks (PS3 Baby)
• Apex of existence true and unbound - IDK (Alex)
• Hey it's me, Goku! - divven like 'im, just like tha' (PS3 Baby)
• Gregfan1983 - Get that thing out of here please a vote against baby is a vote for greg, oh greg (PS3 Baby)
• Waitfer - Because (Pringles)

Ralph: beaner, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

PS3 Baby: You Are All Trash

purple: anyway, anything to say before you are ejected?

PS3 Baby: Cringe

purple: suit yourself.

the PS3 Baby proceeds to spontaneously combust

PLAYSTATION 3 ADVERT BABY HAS LOST

Syphilis: IT J-J-J-JUST DIED??

purple: yeah lol

Rudolf: And the world continues to spin.

Reagan: How could you take the life of an INFANT, Mr Purple, and sleep at night?

purple: first, i’m non binary. second, purple is explicitly lowercase. third, sleep is a social construct i refuse to take part in. now for the challenge

Matt: It is FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

purple: you’re gonna be running team pizza places, like that one roblox game

GUEST 666: INSDTFAED OFF TO ASMDATOES, WW E CASDN USDE THEDF BDLDOIS OF MDY ENEMDIDXSXZES FORF JUST NFCNORMALXD PEDIOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHJASHJASHASHKBASLKHASASJHNMBASI<JHASBJM<SHBILAUK<JBMU<JMSHNVDMUJGM BNVAD HMNGA DBNVMHADGN B AJ<CMHBN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akechi: Do you hear yourself when you speak? Do you even hear the words that come out of your mouth and process them?

purple: anyway, you can begin because it’s now 9 am

Akechi: ( checks time ) What the fuck.

Blahaj: sounds of pizza delivery

purple: see? they have the spirit. now 3, 2, 1,

Goose: HONK!

at the pizza place of poo poo bum bum wee wee

supply: RIGHT. So we need top behaviour from all of you here, understood?

dislike: bagsy cashier

supply: …why?

dislike: you can be pizza boxer

supply: That does not tell me why you want to be the cashier specifically.

g: g

Morbius has claimed the manager position

Morbius: Let us morb, my fellow morbheads. Morb like we have never before.

supply: …does that mean he can’t do anything else? 

Morbius: is now just doing the ‘HAVE SEX’ dance from the movie

supply: …right. But who will be the chef?

Blahaj: has chef hat on and is cooking pizza

supply: …sure. RIGHT.

Goomba: Are you going to say ‘right’ like that all the time? 

supply: NO TALKING WHEN THE TEACHER IS TALKING!

Goomba: Wh

supply: So, the… ‘Youtube Dislike Button* is the cashier. Don’t be rude to customers, listen to their orders, be polite, and you should be fine. The… Ikea Shark

dislike: just say blahaj

supply: will be the chef. Great. Postal Dude can… is that really your name? Anyway, you’ll be the Delivery Driver. Please do not break any road safety laws.

Dude: I mean, hey, at least these trucks aren’t just props now! This is definitely a step up from Postal 2.

supply: …what does that even- never mind. We’re still in need of a Pizza Boxer and Supplier, so I’ll box the pizzas, I guess, and… you know what? The letter can be a Supplier. 

g: g

Goomba: What about me?

supply: Cleaner.

Goomba: Fuck you.

supply: Language. Now, get to work, and anyone who fails WILL GET DETENTION!!!!!

they get to work, a customer walks in

dislike: ( to customer ) welcome to… ‘builder brother’s pizza’. what would you like?

customer: soda sounds nice!

dislike: well, too bad. you’re getting sausage pizza.

customer: THIS PLACE IS THE WORST!! ( tries to walk away but is impeded by the Postal Dude )

Dude: Hi there, would you like to sign my petition?

customer: no way, jose

Dude: Sign my petition, dammit!

customer: i said no

Dude: Sign my petition or I’ll follow you home and shoot your dog.

customer: AAAAAHHHH!!!! ( runs to the cashier ) THIS MAN’S TRYING TO FORCE ME TO SIGN HIS PETITION!!! HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

dislike: only if you buy the sausage pizza

customer: I’LL BUY AND ENJOY YOUR PIZZA, PWEASE DON’T HUWT MEEEEE ;_;

dislike: thank you, your order will be delivered to your address

Goomba: …the fuck did I just witness?

at sans undertale gaming, where, of course, Tom Nook already claimed the managerial position

Syphilis: I-i-is Jesus cashier material? What am I saying?

Nook: Jesus can be the Cashier, yes yes. Charismatic personality, hmm?

Jesus: Slay.

everyone tries to process that

Nook: Why are you all so shocked, hmm? Now, to delegate the other roles, yes yes. Naturally, we shall put the woman in the kitchen.

Matt: What the fuck.

Syphilis: I C-C-CAN ONL-L-LY MAKE C-C-C-CAKES!

Nook: We do not do what we do because it is easy, but because it will be profitable!

Akechi: She just said that she does not possess the capabilities to cook complex meals such as the pizza we are selling in this establishment.

Matt: No actual teenager speaks like that in the 21st century, this is why everyone knew you were secretly an wannabe edgelord serial killer.

Akechi: No, that was the pancakes.

Matt: I’m leaving.

Matt proceeds to just leave

sans: damn, i guess he didn’t appreciate my… rib ticklers . ( ba dum tss )

Akechi: …still better than Shido. Also, don’t we still require Matt?

Nook: There’s only 5 roles to fill, so we fill them, hmm?

Akechi: Right. But would it not be better to have more

Nook: Do I pay you to stand around when you’re the Pizza Boxer?

Akechi: It would likely be more wise to discuss this in a 

Crow: And what would be the role I should fufill?

Nook: Supplier. Leave the skeleton as the Delivery Driver, and hope he doesn’t drive anyone up the wall! ( there is no sound but crickets )

Crow: I see, I see. I will do well as a SUPPLIER. Out of interest, since when were the crickets in here?

Cricket: oh, sorry, we’ll leave. you’re doing great!

the crickets leave whilst everyone gets into their positions

Akechi: …am I really being ignored by a raccoon?

at Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz

red: ( to customer ) what do you want?

customer: how rude!!

red: ( holding the customer and muttering ) listen here, you little shit. some black and white 12 year old hikikomori looking ass stole my knife, so you might think that makes you safe. but i don’t need a knife to break you apart. you’re going to order something and you’re going to like it. unless you’re feeling suicidal, i suggest you tell me what you want.

customer: p-p-p-pepper-ere-roni- piz-p-pizza-a-a-a.

red: good. now we’re on the same wavelength, right? i’ll send your order through.

Charlie: pepperoni pizza being pizza’d

Queen: spins

Skipeter: Like the game ‘Pizza Tower’! Man, I love that game!

red: SHUT UP, YOU’RE MEANT TO BE SUPPLIER

Skipeter: But onii-chaaannn~

red: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

Reagan: ( is boxing pizzas ) Tear down this wall.

Charlie: don’t, we need that wall. it’s fairly important.

Queen: having an existential crisis in the corner

red: ( having served another customer ) who the fuck orders just one soda? who does that? seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? 

Charlie: ok, so we’re out of soda.

red: TOILET. YOU WERE MEANT TO CHECK THIS.

Skipeter: I was the Yeehaw Deliveryboy, my sweet summer child.

Rudolf: I don’t think that’s how you use that.

red: wait, you were the delivery driver?

Skipeter: SkiPETEr bop bop bop Yes Yes

red: how?

Skipeter: I Drive (2011)

Reagan: Like my DRIVE to destroy the Soviets and achieve complete FREED

red: you don’t have feet, why did we trust you with anything, who even was the supplier

Skipeter: Guest 666 uwu

Reagan: You are not listening, but you should understand that in this present crisis

red: we gave him driver though (and if you ever say uwu again then no one will find your body)

Skipeter: Whoopsie daisy, I have seem to have not heard about the bird

red: YOU WERE DOING THE WRONG JOB, NOW WE’RE FUCKED, WHY DID WE TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING

Reagan: Are you intentionally standing in the way of FREED

Rudolf: There are more customers.

red: …do we at least have cheese?

Charlie: nope

red: MOTHERFU

uwu

Alex: We should add more options to the menu! I can make a really good Poisonous Potato!

Ralph: By the DRM itself. She’s RIGHT!!!!

Greg: Aye, it be setting us abov’ the otharr contestants. ADD TO THE MENU!! WE’LL RAKE IN THE BOOTY!

Pringles: But wait, the block girl is not the Chef, as she cannot create pizza, and yet she says she can make a Poisonous Potato? Greg, are you able to create a Poisonous Potato?

Greg: Aye.

Alex: But does it allow access to the Poisonous Potato Dimension like mine?

Greg: Alex, ye arr now in charge of makin’ the Poisonous Potato, savvy?

Chicken: hops on the panels for wanted foods from customers with surprising ability

customer: Poisonous Potato, please!

Alex: Here you go!

Ralph: Are we not in need of a Delivery Driver still?

Greg: That be what the knife kid does, ye overgrown pig feed. 

Ralph: SILENCE, PIRATE. Should the Poisonous Potato not be delivered too, then?

Greg: Nay, this be working for us. KEEP THE POTATOES COMIN’, ALL HANDS ON DECK! ( whilst the customer is dying painfully )

Pringles: We’ve landed on a gold mine here. Wait, is that customer dead?

Greg: Loot ‘em. Also we’re rebrandin’. IT’S POTATIN’ TIME!!

back at poo poo bum bum wee wee

Morbius: …someone just riffed off my line.

customer: I JUST WANT A PIZZA!!!

dislike: well you got garlic bread instead

customer: I’M ALLERGIC! D;

dislike: and we now own your life insurance

supply: ( bursts in ) STOP TRAUMATIZING THE CUSTOMERS!

dislike: i’m making money tho

supply: NO, SERIOUSLY. STOP. WE ARE AT 3.3 STARS ON TRIPADVISOR.

dislike: we’re on tripadvisor, which means we’re famous

supply: DON’T TALK OVER OTHER STUDENTS!

Goomba: …isn’t this a pizza place?

supply: UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR!!! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER, DISLIKE BUTTON!!

Goomba: Oh, sure, just ignore me. 

the Postal Dude walks in, all bloody

supply: RIGHT. You CANNOT just WALTZ in like this without offering an explanation as to where you’ve been!

Dude: For what it’s worth, I’m not racist. They really all did look the exact same.

supply: I’m just a supply teacher I’m not paid enough for this

Blahaj: still making food

Goomba: I mean, your boxing work isn’t great…

supply: Look, Postal Dude, you can’t just kill people because they wouldn’t sign your petition! It goes against the Core Values!

dislike: to be fair, i’ve seen your box work and it is not that awesome sauce tbh

supply: THESE ARE LITERALLY THE WORST PIZZA BOXES I’VE EVER BOXED!!

Goomba: Oh, that’s just fucked up.

supply! You know what? This cla- this workplace is just UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Dislike Button, you are driving customers away with all the other remarks you’re using! The Ikea Shark (dislike: just say blahaj it’s not that hard) is eating half of the pizzas it makes, the Postal Dude has proceeded to commit at least 7 cases of third degree murder as well as scaring customers into submission, which is actively a detriment to our image, and the pizza boxes are completely shoddy!

dislike: they’re normal pizza boxes you just suck at this lol

supply: JUST BECAUSE I’M A SUBSTITUTE DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT GOOD!!! The only one who is not messing around is the letter g! A LETTER is doing better than all of you!

dislike: and you right

supply: Seriously, these pizza boxes are terrible!

dislike: swap with someone else if you’re that bad

Goomba: I didn’t even get criticized why the fuck am I being ignored by some fake teacher

supply: I’M PERFECTLY QUALIFIED! 

Goomba: Oh, now you respond?

supply: Now, Postal

the Postal Dude is currently looking at the window

supply: Anything you want to share with the rest of the class, seeing as you’re so DISTRACTED?!

Parents for Decency are outside

PfD: Games are bad! They make you mad! Games are bad! They make you mad!

dislike: hey these guys suck

Postal Dude: I know what they’re thinking, but the funny thing is, I don’t even like video games.

Blahaj: mildly irritated shark noises

PfD: Games are bad! They make you mad! Games are bad! They make you mad!

Goomba: Hold on, are they against violence, because if so the guns seem counterintuitive.

Morbius: Did someone say morb?

Goomba: Not even remot- ( looks at one of the protest signs saying ‘WE’RE ANTI MORB AND ANTI VIOLENCE’ ) I retract my statement.

Morbius: Well then, it’s morbin’ time.

supply: …we’re not going to have a clean workspace, are we?

Dude: Sorry to disappoint you, but apparently I’m going to be feeling a little psychotic now. Man, I knew I should’ve brought my rocket launcher.

Goomba: Your WHAT?!

dislike: oh heck yeah, we’re committing egregious acts of violence

supply: Why do I even try?

sans undertale gaming

Akechi: Nook. We really need to call a break and evaluate our options here.

Nook: Keep working, my friend! We are achieving our goals!

Akechi: Do you realize that Syphilis is unable to make pizza? I personally am acquainted with the creation of pizza, but you chose someone who wasn’t competent enough. 

Nook: But women belong in the kitchen, hmm?

Akechi: Do you think that’s funny, you procyon piece of shit? Do you think you’re smart or even remotely likable? Because you probably just cost us a challenge, and I REFUSE to be spontaneously combusted by a purple space bean until I’ve executed my bastard father and destroyed the concept of pancakes.

Nook: Those are two very different goa

Akechi: Shut up and swap our positions.

Nook: As if I would give up the role of manager.

Akechi: No, I mean me and Syphilis. Does your head size hide the lack of any functioning brain cells in there?

Nook: I’m firing you.

Akechi: This is not an actual business, this is a fucking GAME SHOW. 

Nook: You seem angry. It will impede your work, and thus, our profit. You really are just a liability currently, Goro.

Akechi: DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME GORO.

Nook: Look, I understand that I may have crossed a line. But I want you to realize that I really want money, and here I can get it. And for what it’s worth, most of my profits go to charity as it is.

Akechi: Wow, that’s complete bullshit. I’m just in awe. I would shoot you, but you’d just revive. Not worth the bullets.

Nook: Well then, you’re still fired, hmm?

Akechi: LITERALLY HOW, IT’S NOT AN ACTUAL PIZZA PLACE-

Syphilis: Please I-i-i n-n-n-need a b-b-break

Nook: No breaks. Break is not a word I want to hear in this establishment.

Akechi: I want you to know that when I achieve godhood, I’m taking your life after Shido.

Crow: It seems that a fellow team member of SANS UNDERTALE GAMING has returned.

Matt: Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m sure your argument is emotional and shit, but I’ve rigged Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz to explode. 

sans: damn that’s crazy

Matt: When the fuck did you even- never mind, our victory should be secured by proxy of them losing.

at Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz

Rudolf: We’re finally back on track.

the entire place explodes, killing everyone in it except the Skipeter Toilet

Skipeter: Oh no, this is definitely not very bussin! Oh hey, two coins!

Skipeter picks up the coin, their count is raised to exactly two coins

Skipeter: This reminds me of the time I was in the backrooms.

Skipeter disappears in a cutaway gag

back to sans undertale gaming

Matt: So we should be fine.

Akechi: You know what? I like you. I’m not one for companionship, but this could be different.

Nook: So as you can see, my strategies have paid off, hmm?

Matt: You literally had no part in this at all but sure, you can believe whatever you want to believe. 

at uwu

Alex: We’re making a killing!

Pringles: Next we should start selling

Omori immediately holds the knife to Pringles Guy’s throat

Pringles: FINE! NO PRINGLES! Honestly, I’m feeling underappreciated here!

Greg: Aye, we be

Ralph: SHUT UP, PIRATE!

Greg: Arr, why do ye ev’n hate pirates so much, ye landlubber?

Ralph: I- uh- PIRACY IS AGAINST THE LAW!!!!!!!!!! 

Ralph jumps through the ceiling to go… somewhere

Greg: Interstin’ behaviour.

Ralph lands in front of Skipeter Toilet

Ralph: PIRACY IS BAD!!!!!!

Skipeter: Nuh uh

Ralph: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph jumps and crashes down the entire pizza place of sans undertale gaming

Akechi: Was that really necessary?

Ralph: PIRACY IS BAD!!!!!!

Nook: Yes, this is true.

Ralph: THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph proceeds to just kind of go somewhere

Akechi: THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE JUST CRASHED DOWN!!!!!!!!

Nook: We still have the money, yes yes?

Jesus: No.

Nook: ………and why is that?

Jesus: Who am I to take the possessions of these hungry people? I shall be kind and give them the food they need for free. For the Kingdom of God has no place for greed and money.

Nook nearly has a mental breakdown but proceeds to calm down

Nook: Sans should have some

sans: hi i’m back from stand up comedy night, they didn’t like my performance so i gave them all the money and they liked that

Tom Nook has a mental breakdown

Akechi: Ha ha, WAIT SHIT WE LOST!

Matt: No, Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz should’ve lost. We blew them up.

meanwhile

purple: ok this is interesting

purple revives the dead members

purple: do any of you have any profit from the pizza place?

Skipeter: I have these totally fanum tax coins.

purple: so… that’s two coins.

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: 2 coins

purple: you may be screwed.

purple then just randomly appears, unnoticed, at sans undertale gaming
Matt: Since they’re destroyed, they’ll have nothing. We should be fine with this arrangement since we have one coin here. It’s better than nothing.

purple: yeah, so you have one, and Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz has 2, sooooo….

Matt: FUCK.

sans undertale gaming: 1 coin

Tom Nook is screeching with rage in the corner whilst Akechi laughs at him

at uwu

purple: so you guys have more than 2 coins, right?

Pringles: We have about 74593 coins!

Alex: …how did you count that? Are you the goat fr?

Chicken: hops in minimal screentime character

purple: well, yeah, that’s accurate profit

uwu: 74593 coins

at poo poo bum bum wee wee

supply: is traumatized

Dude: What? It’s just a few dozen dead bodies. Nothing new. Try moving to Arizona if you want to see a real body count.

Goomba: Fuck it, let’s rob all of the bodies.

the bodies are looted

Goomba: That should do.

purple: yeah you somehow did the best and got 100000 coins

poo poo bum bum wee wee: 100000 coins

g: g

dislike: see? extortion does work!

supply: still traumatized

purple: welp, sans undertale gaming is next up for elimination then. thanks for watching fairly mediocre game show. voting link below :)

form over sorry :(

Nook: Well, Syphilis, I am very disappointed in you. I expected better.

Akechi: Oh, fuck this.

Akechi proceeds to take out his gun and shoot Tom Nook 5 times in the head

Crow: Pardon my intrusion, fellow SANS UNDERTALE GAMING member, but will he not just revive?

20 seconds have passed

Akechi: It is a very good thing that Matt left. Because automatic revival was a lie. And that? Is going to be useful for us.

Syphilis: D-d-d-d-d-does th-th-this m-m-m-m-mean th-th-th-th-that I-I-I-I-I c-c-c-c-c-could d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-die?

Akechi: ( ignoring her ) Thank you, Tom Nook. You have been very beneficial to me. Becuase now, I have an advantage. The other contestants don’t know, do they? Oh, I’m getting a warm, tingly feeling inside from all this POWER!

Crow: Might I suggest getting that looked at? It could be a symptom of the bird flu.

Akechi: WHAT THE FUCK IS A BIRD FLU?!

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Skipeter toilet, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Queen from chess, Rudolf Antler

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

Chapter Text

Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion is standing in the car park whilst the C.A.W agent looks at a piece of paper on the ground

Crow: Why, hello there, fellow contestant. I am glad to have you here. You see, I have been struggling to read exactly what is on this scientific study. May you please help me out? What would you say is the answer to this scientific research?

Ralph looks at the piece of paper, it says ‘wallop’

Ralph: Wallop?

Crow: Ah, the answer was WALLOP all along! Thank you, fellow contestant. And thank you for agreeing to the terms and conditions on the back.

Ralph: The what?

Ralph reads the back of the paper

Terms And Conditions: YOU SIGNED AWAY YOUR SOUL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOUR AUTONOMY IS NO LONGER EXISTENT HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ralph: …do you at least disagree with piracy?

Crow: Never mind that, would you like to hear some stories?

Ralph: Sure.

elsewhere

red: right. reindeer fuck.

Rudolf: There was no need to call me that. Is this team related?

red: no

Rudolf: Ah. Are you here to request an assassination?

red: yes

Rudolf: My going rate is

red: but you can’t kill them because he’s a contestant

Rudolf: Then why

red: if you help me fuck over the piano coloured bitch who stole my knife, i will help you find joey steel

Rudolf: It is a deal.

elsewhere (again)

Dude: Hi there, would you

Matt: I’m not doing it.

Dude: Come on, it’s not that hard to sign your name on a piece of paper.

Matt: I’m not signing your dumb petition.

Dude: It’s either you sign this or your corpse does.

Matt: Why do you even care so much about making ‘whiny congressmen play violent video games’ anyway? It’s been years since video games were actually considered to cause violence by someone who wasn’t instantly mocked and ignored for it.

Dude: I’m not big into politics, but The Bitch is. And then fans made the petition into one of my defining personality traits, y’know? It’s actually kind of dehumanizing, but hey, it’s nice to make a difference! Anyway, sign the petition or I’m going to show you what ‘going postal’ actually is.

Matt: Fine, I’ll sign your stu

Matt is teleported to the skeld

Matt: pid peti- seriously?

Crow: -even if there was a giant fire!

Ralph: (bursts into laughter) That was actually more entertaining than expected.

Dude: Come on, you couldn’t have chosen a better time to do this?

purple: tbf i was just bored

Akechi: And everyone is here.

Jesus: We are missing one of our allies, Tom Nook.

Akechi: And no one important is lost.

purple: ah, right, i’ll fix the nook error

Nook is randomly dropped onto the floor

Akechi: Purple

purple: no it’s purple

Akechi: That’s… what I said

purple: as in, lowercase p. actually i’m kicking non-sans undertale gaming members back to the now singular pizza place

everyone but purple, the goose and sans undertale gaming disappears

Akechi: Right. purple. What exactly are your abilities?

purple: good question

…………

Matt: Are you going to answer his question?

purple: oh, i don’t actually know, but it’s still a good question.

Matt: How the fuck do you not kn

purple: votes! starting with prize votes! i’m sorry, syphilis, matt wii sports and tom nook, but you did not get any votes for the prize.

Nook: is still coping with his loss of money and the trauma of dying

Matt: A, damn it. B, why did you add ‘Wii Sports’ to the end of my

purple: both crow agent watch and jesus ‘christ’ bible, on the other hand, received one instead

Jesus: …am I registered as Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible?

purple: b

Jesus: Why?

purple: lol

Jesus: That explains noth

purple: out of sans undertale and goro akechi, the person who won the vote…

Matt: You still haven’t answered our

purple: was both. it was a tie. which means both are safe from votes. sans wins the s.e.e.s gun/evoker, akechi wins a pokeball.

both of them get their prizes

Akechi: How am I meant to use this, exactly?

sans: does the gun work

purple: the gun works, yes

sans: that’s pretty boner-ific

everyone can feel their brain cells decay after that one

purple: here’s reasons for prize votes, anyway:

• beaner - welsh cakes are better than pancakes, plus he's actually really funny (Akechi)
• White_Tiger - i like everyone here (except nook now lol) so i'm just voting for who was the most based this episode (Akechi)
• Ding dong theres someone at the dooor - He's literally jesus (Jesus)
• i... am broly - fnuuy skleton mann (sans)
• ilovepeak6969 - sans undertale also you should add peak into it (sans)
• G - As a fellow CORPSE PILFERER I enjoy these antics a plenty. (Crow)

Matt: The fuck is ‘peak’?

sans: me, i’m peak

Akechi: If this is somehow the setup to some stupid skeleton pun, I’m going to have to stop you right there.

sans: nah. no puns.

Akechi: Excellent.

sans: i don’t have the guts for it.

Matt: Oh thank god

Jesus: You’re welcome.

Matt: We don’t have to-

2 seconds pass

Matt: You motherfucker.

sans turns to the camera as the drum sting plays

Nook: I must say, the vulgarisms lose their touch when you and the red one constantly use them every other word, yes yes.

Akechi: Silence. Anyway, I am glad you are pleased with my current performance.

Crow: Yes, I too have a PRAISE KINK.

Akechi: That is NOT WHAT

purple: next is elimination votes. crow, jesus and sans did not get any.

everyone has fallen silent

until sans randomly pulls out a trombone

Akechi: Excuse me. I know you’re ecstatic to be safe

sans: we both are anyway, remember?

purple: yeah, both of you have all votes nullified. syphilis got 1 vote.

Syphilis: …

Matt: Huh. She has normally stuttered at least once. Now it’s like she’s seen a corps

Akechi: CONTINUE, please.

purple: there was a tie. someone got 1 vote and 2 people got 2 votes.

everyone is silent

purple: and as it happens, matt got 1 vote. akechi is safe due to tieing in the prize vote. or maybe not. actually, that seems anticlimatic, so you know what? since he didn’t get any votes anyway and i said his name first, sans is the only one safe.

Akechi: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.

Nook: I see. So it is between you and me, hmm?

purple: yes.

…………

purple: pick a number between 1 and 2.

Akechi: What?

purple: using a random number generator. between 1 and 2.

Nook: 2.

purple: let’s see…

purple: it was 1. even have the proof for the readers. nook, you’ve been eliminated. here’s the voting reasons people gave:

• beaner - fuck this guy. he can fuck a duck (don't actually it's unhygienic) (Nook)
• White_Tiger - capitalism? more like CRAP italism OOOOOOOHHHHH (Nook)
• Ding dong theres someone at the dooor - Hes just matt (Matt)
• i... am broly - goro akechi? more like, BORE-o akeSHIT (Akechi)
• ilovepeak6969 - i dont think they were ever mentioned in peak (Akechi)
• G - More of a PS3 guy myself (Syphilis)

Akechi: WHAT EVEN IS PEAK?! Oh, never mind, at least I’m still in. You spend years cultivating an image and it’s all taken away within seconds.

Matt: What’s wrong with me being ‘just matt’, huh?

purple: anyway, time for tom nook to leave

Nook: WAIT PLEASE AT LEAST BURY ME WITH MY MONEY

purple: the kill was a one time thing. rejoins are a thing, you know?

Nook: Oh thank you.

Akechi: Then why kill the infant?

purple: do you think anyone was gonna vote for it to rejoin?

Akechi: …fair enough.

Nook: Well, what will happen to me?

purple: you get sent to the timecube.

Nook: And what is this ‘timecube’?

purple: you’ll see.

a portal opens under Nook, sending him to the Time Cube dimension

TOM NOOK HAS LOST

Nook lands in the Time Cube

Nook: What is this place?

suddenly, as a cube with ‘DAY’ written on it rotates, a voice starts up

Otis Eugene ‘Gene’ Ray, creator of the Time Cube website: EARTH HAS 4 CORNER SIMULTANEOUS 4-DAY TIME CUBE IN ONLY 24 HOUR ROTATION

Nook: NO! PLEASE! I KNOW I’M A MONEY HUNGRY SCUMBAG BUT PLEASE! NOT PSUEDOSCIENCE!!!!!!

Ray: Adults Eat Teenagers Alive, No Record Of Their Death. Father Son Image, Not Gods. Every Man Born Of Woman.

Nook: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

purple: anway here we are

red: why are we in a tower

dislike: why wouldn’t we be in a tower

Goomba: Who got eliminated?

Akechi: The raccoon.

Greg: Aye, this be grand. Now we be withoot th’ greedy scallywag wi’ a head so big ye coud carry th’ entir’ty o’ th’ Wii’s libr’ry in it!

purple: ready for the challenge?

GUEST 666: WGHADT SZHSALKLN BE DHTE CHAXSLNEGE THAT WEDX ARES ENGDXANING DXIN AND FDO ID GET TO KILELDE PEODXPLE VBECASUDEW IM GEUDT SICX SIXKS SICKSX THE DBESTESDT SESERIAL KDSILLERDFER IN THDS WORFLD?! AHAJHASHASHJASHJASHBASHVASHJ <ASLIBASHI:AS{HOBJAS{S{ASBJO}@~AS}BJO@ H@X{J OAS@HOASHASHI{AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purple: we’re doing natural disaster survival!

GUEST 666: YES DIASDDSTER ANDF DESTRDFUCV TION ANDF DETH!!!!!!!!! IT MASDKESD ME FEESL ELADSTGED!!!!!!!! AHJAHJASJHBASJHAHKVAHKASKHASKHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purple: specifically, the modded natural disaster survival called ‘when the’ on roblox! search it up. there’s even, like, one new disaster i personally added. i’m proud of it.

…………

GUEST 666: You’re insane.

Pringles: Aren’t you Mr ‘KILL THEM ALL’?

GUEST 666: You’re legitimately insane. You’re completely insane. Absolutely mad.

red: oh god

Jesus: Thou shalt not take the

Reagan: Don’t disrespect the Christian

red: the mass murder fetishist is scared

everyone goes silent

purple: you have maps to vote for here. the team with the most survives wins, and not only do they get to steal a team member from someone else, but they also get to choose who gets eliminated. i’ll even add an extra team member to the people who get robbed to keep it equal and because i need constant variety to not get bored. good luck! (disappears)

Pringles: Seems easy enough!

Akechi: ‘Good luck’? Why were they wishing us ‘good luck’? What is about to happen?

GUEST 666: We’re going to die. All of us. Painfully.

red: the serial killer is actually comprehensible for once. why is the serial killer comprehensible?

g: g (but in a more scared way)

Dude: Hey, it can’t be all bad! We get to choose the first map!

they look at the map voting screen

the options are london, a bank or the pearl harbor site

Dude: Shit.

red: what the fuck?

Reagan: HOW DARE THEY MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE ATROCITY THAT WAS PEARL HARBOR! Those SOVIET SCUM

red: purple has not once said anything impling they’re a soviet, but like, still. what the fuck.

Rudolf: Since we don’t know what the disasters will actually be, London seems like the best option with both shelter and high ground, so we should - you all voted for Pearl Harbour, didn’t you.

dislike: absolutely

GUEST 666: We’re cooked.

Matt: Seriously, what is up with you?

Skipeter: Don’t worry, Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz, we will not be taking the L + Ratio! We will be Funkin’ this Friday Night!

red: everything you say causes me physical pain

Next map: Hawaii

Reagan: This is insensitive on multiple levels.

Charlie: you’re not wrong, but you did bomb Libya for something they didn’t do so that kind of lessens your point

Reagan: They deserved it.

Charlie: what is wrong with you?

they are now on what is, according to the creator, just a normal military base, but what is realistically pearl harbor

dislike: it really is just pearl harbor huh

Matt: Weren’t you the one that voted for it?

dislike: yeah but i wasn’t expecting it to actually be pearl harbor

Akechi: Why would you choose a map that looks like Pearl Harbor and not expect Pearl Harbor?

dislike: idk lol

Akechi: This is not a ‘lol’ moment, you delusional buffoon. There is no shelter here, there is minimal high ground except for the guard tower there, and we have no idea what is coming.

Goomba: What even is a ‘pearl harbor’? Never mind, I don’t care.

Goomba then pulls out a green balloon and jumps into the tower

Alex: Yoooo, we got balloons!

Omori: …

Chicken: hops to the nearest thing that could be considered shelter

Akechi: Well, at least we seem to be limited to natural disasters.

DISASTER WARNING: A nuclear silo has been set up! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

Akechi: THAT’S NOT FUCKING NATURAL-

the entire place is nuked, with only a few survivors

g: g (of superiority)

Skipeter: I’m the GOAT fr! I’m amazing like the Digital Circus! This reminds me of that time I escaped the pibby glitch.

the toilet disappears in a flashback

dislike: wh

Ralph: HAH!!!! The pirate is DEAD!!!!! That’s what happens when you commit PIRACY like a no good dirty rotten pig stealing great great CRIMINAL!!!!

dislike: that’s not the quote you idiot

survivors: dislike, Ralph, g, Skipeter

score: ppbbww: 2, uwu: 1, ogfr: 1

red: the toilet survived a nuke. the toilet survived a nuke. the fucking toilet survived a fucking nuke.

Rudolf: Are you saying that our best bet at success is the toilet that is currently singing ‘Sticking Out Your Gyatt For The Rizzler’?

red: yes. oh my god, yes.

Jesus: Thou shalt not- oh, I give up.

red: skipeter toilet, i take back everything i’ve said that has been bad about you. you keep coming in clutch. marry me, skipeter toilet.

Skipeter: I cooked

red: you indeed cooked.

Next Map: Happy Home

GUEST 666: A CALSIDIOXC!!!!!! I|S ALWASDYS SOD SATISTICDXYING TO WIRDTNESS THDSE RESZIDSENTS ENDJOY D|tHIEER HAPPYDX HOSDME LDXIFE DXUNTISL SI COSMED AND XKILLEDEREDFD T|HEM!!!!!!! AHJAHJAHJBSAJHBASHJASJHBASJKHBASHJKBASHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reagan: I need no help or shelter to survive, for I am the president of the United States of AMERI

Reagan trips on air and cracks his skull open as Charlie bursts into laughter

Morbius: Morbin’.

Greg: Aye, this be a fam’us one. A not’ble one. Also, DID WE JUS’ GET NUK’D?!

Akechi: Funny. I usually feel fairly numb when causing mental shutdowns. But it’s going to be satisfying when I GET MY HANDS ON THAT FUCKING

sans: damn. purple really worked you down… to the bone. (ba dum tss)

Akechi: I’m going to be entirely honest with you. I hate you.

sans: anyway, what’s next on the disaster list?

DISASTER WARNING: Meteor Shower! Watch the skies and take cover!

Akechi: WHAT ARE THESE DISASTERS?!

Syphilis: …………

Matt: GET INTO THE HOUSE! WE ARE NOT LOSING TWICE IN A ROW!

Syphilis: …………

Matt: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE…

Matt drags Syphilis into the house

Matt: This should be better.

a meteor lands right next to them, breaking the roof

Matt: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDD-

Syphilis snaps out of it and pushes him out of the way of a meteor, which instead lands on her

Matt: I swear to Shigeru Miyamoto himself, if I get hit

a meteor lands on Matt, incapacitating him but not fully killing him

another meteor is about to land, but then the C.A.W agent proceeds to tell a funny story

Crow: It didn’t even matter what he said anyway!

the crow, Matt and all the meteors burst into synchronized laughter before the meteors just kind of… walk away

Matt: Wait, what the hell just happened?

Crow: Did you know that meteors can make movies? This is true! I was involved in movie making myself once. Say, if you were a meteor, what genre of movie would you make?

Matt: What the fuck does that even mean

Crow: I see, I see! WHATTHEFUCKDOESTHATEVENMEAN has always been a personal favourite of mine! I hope your endeavors go well, fellow contestant.

the crow leaves

Matt: I- uh- sure?

Survivors: g, dislike, Matt, Crow, Ralph, Skipeter, Alex, Omori, Morbius, Jesus, sans, Queen

score: ppbbww: 5, uwu: 4, ogfr: 3, sug : 4

Omori became SMUG whilst red became ANGRY

red: i am going to make you suffer. it will be painful.

Omori: … (proceeds to walk away)

Skipeter: Don’t worry, red. You may be the Sussy Baka Imposter, but we will secure the Number 1 Victory Royale!

red: sure. sure.

Next Map: Party Palace

Akechi: Can we just get this over with already?

the music is playing

Alex: It’s no Pigstep, but this is a certified banger!

Disaster Warning: American bombardment overhead! Take cover!

Reagan: Is that… It’s the anthem! The anthem of our glorious country that is the United States of AMERI

he is the first hit by the bombs

Dude: What, is there oil here or someth

Dude is also blown up

Charlie: oh HELL no.

Charlie proceeds to destroy the entire fleet in a self sacrificial moment

g: g

Blahaj: shark noises of indifference

Survivors: Everyone but Reagan, Dude and Charlie

score: ppbbww: 11, uwu: 10, ogfr: 8, sug: 10

Dude: Fuck you.

Queen: has been irreparably damaged by one of the bombs

the voice of heaven: You must.

Queen: shakes head, now that it’s partly detached

the voice of heaven: I’m sorry, but for you to survive, sacrifices must be made.

the queen is demoted into a knight

Knight: tries to move in any direction other than an L shape, fails, falls over in despair

Greg: Arr, this be a ruthless place.

Matt: What fresh hell awaits us next?

Next Map: Good Luck

Akechi: Well, surely it can’t get any worse.

everyone is teleported to a square which Reagan immediately falls off

Akechi: I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BAAAAACK!!!!!!!

Alex: Hey, the disaster shouldn’t cover this whole are

Disaster Warning: hey apple

Akechi: …what?

knife

a giant knife kills literally everyone

Survivors: ;)

sans: heh, that was actually pretty funny.

g: g

Akechi: They killed the letter. They managed to kill a metaphysical concept.

purple: that one was my own. did you like it?

Akechi: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Next Map: Waffle House

Reagan combusts for literally no reason at all

red: how much more can they do?

Disaster Warning: Tsunami! Get to higher ground!

Knight keeps moving in an L shape until accidentally getting caught on a balloon and floating far away enough to avoid the tsunami

Survivors: g, dislike, Skipeter, Knight

score: ppbbww: 12, uwu: 10, ogfr: 10, sug: 10

Next Map: Prison Panic

Reagan somehow manages to spawn in the water and die like an idiot

Akechi: Let’s just get this over with.

Disaster Warning: hi

Syphilis: …hi?

45 lightning bolts strike pretty much everywhere

Syphilis: AAAAAAAAA- (proceeds to die)

Knight and GUEST 666 manage to dodge it somehow through pure luck

Survivors: g, dislike, Skipeter, Ralph, Knight, GUEST 666, sans for some reason

score: ppbbww: 13, uwu: 11, ogfr: 13, sug: 11

purple: next one is the last one. to decide whether it’s Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz or poo poo bum bum wee wee that will be winning. you ready for it?

Matt: I am going to TEAR OUT YOUR FUCKING SPI

purple: cool beans

Next Map: Big Ben

Reagan: Not this time!

Reagan pushes Knight off the ledge

Reagan: I will NOT be the first death!

Charlie: you know we’re even more fucked now, right?

red: it’s the last one. what’s the worst they can do?

Disaster Warning: Tsunami! But made out of bubblegum

red: ha. we literally have a high tower, this shit will be easy for once.

dislike: hey i can push this

……

shouts of ‘NO WAIT’ are ignored as the youtube dislike button pushes big ben off the map

dislike: that’s funny

Skipeter: I’ve been cooking for long enough. It’s time I ate and left no crumbs.

Skipeter Toilet eats the bubblegum tsunami

red: I COULD KISS YOU

Skipeter Toilet and red from among us engage in a make out session as everyone else looks disgusted

Survivors: Everyone but Knight

score: ppbbww: 20, uwu: 17, ogfr: 19, sug: 17

Rudolf: Reagan, you pushed Knight off why?

Charlie: YOU JUST COST US THE ENTIRE FUCKING WIN

purple: poo poo bum bum wee wee wins! well done! which contestant would you like to steal?

dislike: skipeter toilet, who else?

Charlie: CUNTS.

dislike: they insulted me so i’m actually putting uwu up for elimination because why not

Goomba: Literally ANY of the other teams would be more beneficial to sabotage.

purple: cool, uwu has lost

UWU HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

Pringles: WE DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING, THIS IS RIGGED!

Chicken: hops in rage

purple: and now for the other contestant who’s joining Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz. uhhhhhhhhhh, goose, you have any suggestions?

Goose: HONK!

purple: thanks, knew i could count on you :3

also urple: we’ll let the viewers vote on it out of a list of characters. let’s bring them here!

a crab covered in money, a japanese blue haired girl, the embodiment of Christian TV, a deer lord, a rotting yellow rabbit and an EVIL scientist appear

Tamatoa: I hate Dear Evan Hansen! Hello, it’s me. Yes, I know, you can’t believe there’s someone so shiny. You should vote me for the competition, and I’ve even prepared a song as to why. Ahem~

Hatsune Miku: (in japanese) Hi! I’m Hatsune Miku, a VOCALOID, and I’ll sing for y

Tamatoa: I don’t know how I now understand Japanese, but you still interrupted my song. Well, well~

DOGMA: BUT IF WE ARE LIVING IN THE LIGHT AS GOD IS IN THE LIGHT, THEN WE HAVE FELLOWSHIP WITH EACH OTHER, AND THE BLOOD OF JESUS, HIS SON

Tamatoa: I’m just trying to sing about how awesome and SHINY I am, and I get inter

DOGMA: CLEANSES US FROM ALL SIN, IF WE CLAIM WE HAVE NO SIN

Tamatoa: Honestly, can’t do anything these days.

Specimen 8: Your submission is inevitable.

Miku: I’m thinking Miku, Miku, oo-e-oo

Springtrap: It honestly doesn’t matter whether you vote me in or not. I ALWAYS come back.

⎾⍲⍓⌦ 🜅⌾☈ ⍑ℍℇ ⎎⎾⍲⌰⅁ℍ⍑ℇ☈: Come back as much as you want, but you’ll never be quite so SHINY!

purple: who changed your name?

8: Join us.

the DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INC jingle plays

Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platy- Perry the Platypus, you’re not even here? Oh, this is just great! I slipped into another dimension again! It’s rude to kidnap someone in the middle of their evil scheme, you know?

purple: it’s to see if you can get into a game show

Doofenshmirtz: Well, obviously I, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz, can get out of here easily, but you know what? I’ve been running out of inators lately as it is. Come to me, my adoring fans, and vote me in!

Tamatoa

“I ATE MY GRANDMA.”

origin: Moana (2017)

pronouns: he/him

likes: SHINY things

dislikes: bad animated movies

fun fact: you’ll never be quite so SHINY, you wish you were nice and SHINY

Hatsune Miku

“Popipopipopopipo!"

origin: VOCALOID

pronouns: she/her

likes: vegetable juice

dislikes: the month of september

fun fact: woah, pipe bomb, so cool, I wonder what happens if I-AHHH

DOGMA

“BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

origin: The Binding Of Isaac: Repentance

pronouns: it/its

likes: Christian fundamentalism

dislikes: sins

fun fact: the boss theme may only be static and shouty christian quotes but it’s still a bop

Specimen 8

"Why do you run, child?”

origin: Spooky’s Jump Scare Mansion

pronouns: he/it

likes: submission

dislikes: your useless resistance

fun fact: also known as the ‘Deer Lord’

Springtrap

“I ALWAYS come back.”

origin: Five Nights at Freddy’s 3

pronouns: according to the youtooz product they/them, so we’ll go for a he/they

likes: murdering children

dislikes: Micheal

fun fact: ⍦⌾⌰☈ ⎎⌰⌦⍓⟟⎎⎎⟟⌾☊ ⟟⎎ ⟟☊ℇ⍻⟟⍑⍲⌦⎾ℇ.

purple: specimen 8, please stop messing with the script

8: Submit, child.

purple: ignoring that

Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!”

origin: Phineas and Ferb

pronouns: he/him

likes: inators

dislikes: too much to list, have you seen his backstories?

fun fact: ፓዐጎክ ፱ነ ልክጋ ሠቹ ሠጎረረ ፪ዪጎፏክ ሃዐ፱ ነልረህልፕጎዐክ.

purple: i regret inviting you.

8: I simply want to share something meaningful.

purple: anyway, vote using the form below and see you next episode!

form over sorry :(

stay puft: this villain business has been going poorly. we have found literally no one who wants to join us.

Minos Prime: It seems that we have not been able to find allies to assist us.

stay puft: …yes, that’s what i just said. 40 years of being dead and what do i have to show for it? NOTHING!

Minos Prime: Calm thyself. The elimination will be occurring tomorrow. My advice is that we use that opportunity to CRUSH them!

stay puft: you know what? we can make do with two. let’s prepare to disrupt an elimination and screw over the space bean. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! oh gozer, i sounded like the serial killer for a minute there.

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Queen from chess, Rudolf Antler

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

Chapter Text

Pringles Guy is standing outside

Goomba: Hey. What are you doing out here? It’s… actually a reasonable time to be out, dammit. 

Pringles: You ever had pringles?

Goomba: Wait no forget I asked

Pringles: This isn’t an advertisement. Just a question. 

Goomba: I don’t even know what ‘pringles’ are.

Pringles: If you ever did have them, you know what they would be?

Goomba: Let me guess

Pringles: Good. They’re good, and that’s it. I dedicated my entire life, likeness and existence, I sold my soul, for crisps that are just good . Not brilliant, not great, just good . Who does that, you might be asking? And honestly, I’m not entirely sure why either. I’ve wasted my life. My entire being. You know what? I’m calling it. I’m probably the next person leaving. No one really cares about Pringles, least of all me. I’m just in it for the money. I put up with so much shit. So does everyone, actually. It’s a funny thing. I thought being a mascot would give me more power than the executives. But no. Remember the SAG-AFTRA strike? All those actors who didn’t get paid fairly? At least they won their strike. 1400 workers at Kellogg’s went on strike in October 2021 and they lost. They were replaced. I’m replaceable. Everyone is. And I probably won’t even have the time to make up for it now. But know one thing, Goomba. Even if I do get voted out. Especially if I don’t. I will make this world burn for what it has done.

Goomba: Ah, a fellow hater who’s been fucked over more times than they can count. Bowser’s army actually has mostly good pay, which is why we all put up with the shit that happens. I remember first seeing Mario. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was protecting a monster who had kidnapped someone and planned to force her into marriage for money. All Goombas did, because nowhere else would take the ‘traitorous mushrooms’, because ‘we were all monsters’, because no matter what, everyone saw us as inferior, as weaker. The same with most of all the troops in Bowser’s army. Is it wrong that despite everything, I actually enjoyed my time in the army? Until Mario came. I saw him and I thought he would crumble like everyone else does when faced with any kind of challenge. Instead he took the initiative and went through the entire obstacle course set out for him. Traveled across galaxies, around the globe, faced the end of the multiverse itself. Because he’s a good guy. Which I’d respect more if it didn’t cost me my FUCKING life. You know, my right eye’s a fake. He somehow didn’t actually kill me, just fractured my right eye completely. I was going to wear an eye patch, but the doctors said that if I did, the socket would collapse on itself. I usually wear the eye patch anyway, but I lost it. It’s annoying. Many others weren’t as lucky as me. I saw comrades lose their lives, their families, their entire community. I’ve seen people have their autonomy taken away. Did you know that? At one point, Mario actually found a cap that let him take over someone’s body. His brother joins in too. So does some random Blue Toad, most of the time. And they just keep slaughtering us. Slaughtering everyone else, too. I’ve watched as he’s taken everything from me. And one day I swore that one way or another, he would have one final GAME OVER, that he would run out of lives, that I would stand over his bleeding corpse and laugh. I would do anything for my revenge. Yeah, sure, he’s more moral, but who the fuck cares? Morality doesn’t mean shit when it comes to the satisfying, intoxicating taste of pure revenge. Anyway, who do you think’s gonna get in?

Pringles: Why, the scientist, of course! You?

Goomba: Probably the deer.

Pringles: You think people will vote in something so creepy?

Goomba: I think it’s going to lose and then just force itself into a different team anyway. He’s too weirdly good at hallucinations not to.

Pringles: Wouldn’t that defeat the point of this being the viewer’s choice?

Goomba: Think it cares?

Pringles: You make a good point. Want some Prawn Cocktail Pringles?

Goomba: Didn’t you just go on a whole rant about how you don’t actually like Pringles?

Pringles: I said they’re good. I hate working for the company itself, doesn’t mean I don’t like Pringles. Want a can?

Goomba: Sure. And for what it’s worth, I hope you survive your elimination.

Pringles: Thanks! If I don’t, I’ll be rooting for you.

Goomba: Thanks, man. Wanna play some Uno before you go?

Pringles: I have 5 decks on me at all times.

Goomba: I have custom cards.

Pringles: Absolutely deranged. Hell yes. 

whilst they play uno

Reagan: You understand that no matter what, I must win this for AMERICA, yes?

Chicken: hops around

Reagan: You dare say that about my mother? You’re a SOVIET supporter, aren’t you, you scum?

Chicken: hops back and forth

Reagan: That is NOT what happened! Libya deserved what it got and you know it!

Chicken: bawk

Reagan: Don’t you even THINK about insulting Reaganomics! It was a brilliant policy!

Chicken: hops left

Reagan: Yes, homosexuality is a sin. What about it? You are clearly on the wrong side of history.

both are teleported to the skeld

Emergency Meeting

purple: hi!

Greg: Avast, me matey. 

Pringles: Have you finally succumbed to the joy that is Pringles?

red: no one’s buying your dumb crisps, give up already

Doofenshmirtz: So, as fun as it is to spread my EVIL REIGN across the ENTIRE TRI STATE ARE- uh, MULTIVERSE, what do we get for winning this, which obviously I, DR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ, could do easily?

purple: see this 3ds?

purpoe is holding a 3ds

purple: basically, with the exception of immortality, it gives you god powers. like, you can revive people, you can give yourself any weapon, change the geography of the world, even localize mother 3!

Greg: Ye hav’ motivat’d me fer very differ’nt reasons now, me matey. 

Ralph: Of course you would be motivated by THAT, you FILTHY PIRATE.

Greg: Arrr, yer insults do nothin’ to me when they’re all th’ same thing.

Ralph: SHUT UP!

Tamatoa: I better get in.

purple: you didn’t get any votes for getting in, sorry :(

Tamatoa: [DOLPHIN NOISE]

Springtrap: The fuck was that?

purple: springtrap, you also did not get any votes. neither did miku or dogma. it’s between specimen 8 and dr doofenshmirtz.

Springtrap: Damn it.

DOGMA: BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miku: Awww!

8: My victory is inevitable.

purple: you only got 1 vote. so doofenshmirtz is joining Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz with 3 votes to get in! because of these reasons:

• G - Between Springtrap, Specimen 8 and (My pick) Doofenshmirtz. Wanna see his numerous Inators in action. (Doofenshmirtz)
• beaner - i was very torn between miku and doofenshmirtz and as much as i think miku would be an amazing addition it’s doofenshmirtz he would get along amazing with everyone (Doofenshmirtz)
• ADAGE - Object Fool real??!!?!!? (Specimen 8)
• White_Tiger - split between dogma-springtrap-doof (in order of appearance) but i (as a free thinker) have decided on the one i think is the most likely to join (Doofenshmirtz)

8: Then I shall simply join uwu.

Pringles: Oh my god, the goomba was right.

purple: i mean, you can’t? normally i’d say ‘cool beans’ and form another team with the other potential contestants, but four isn’t enough.

the stay puft marshmallow man and Minos Prime break into the skeld

stay puft: PURPLE. YOU SHALL GIVE US GOD POWERS!

purple: nvm that solved itself. actually, you can just be on a team with the oth

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

purple: i’m not even going to ask how you already registered yourself. anyway, this means we have a team 5!

stay puft: WAIT THIS WASN’T OUR

team 5: stay puft marshmallow man, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

stay puft: DAMN IT.

Minos Prime: I will CRUSH the opposition with my JUDGEMENT. PREPARE THYSELF for the King of Lust!

Tamatoa: For Mother 3. Also so I can be more SHINY.

Miku: I can finally have autonomy! Being an instrument is fun, but sometimes you want a bit of free will, you know?

DOGMA: VENGEANCE IS MINE! I WILL REPAY!!! says the Lord.

Springtrap: This is going to be interesting. Also, what is ‘Object Fool’?

purple: you never heard of the countless object shows on youtube? that’s one of them.

Pringles: How does it link to the deer?

purple: i’m sure i could find an answer for that, but now i need to get on with elimination. starting with prize! honestly, only two people got votes. greg homebrew and omori. neither of which got voted for elimination anyway. uh, omori got 3, greg got 1. no suspense, i know, but i have a new team to get to name themselves and a really fun challenge to get on with.

Pringles: Oh, fuck, what are you going to do?

purple: doesn’t matter to you, you got eliminated with two votes

Pringles: COME ON!! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT OUT OF NOWHERE!! WHAT, WERE THERE WALKERS SHILLS VOTING?!

purple: uh, alex and chicken got one vote each for elimination, but yeah, pringles guy is gone. prize vote reasons here:

• G - I bricked my DS for trying to mod it. SO I GOT ANOTHER ONE BABY (Greg Homebrew)
• beaner - oyasumi (Omori)
• ADAGE - omori what is wrong omori i am very normal and very hero yes hero is me yes (Omori)
• White_Tiger - omorgus sweep (Omori)

stay puft: the fuck was that third one?

Omori gets tossed JUICE THAT MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE

purple: it’s JUICE THAT MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE. 

Alex: I love exploding heads!

Greg: It no be as good as a Homebrew

Ralph: I HATE YOU.

Greg: but that juice also be… what were th’ name again?

purple: also elimination reasons:

• G - Had his shine, but sorta fell off (Also pringles hurt my teeth) (Pringles)
• beaner - the best crisps are pickled onion monster munch change my mind (Pringles)
• ADAGE - I wish Alex was more memorable because they have potential, but at the moment I just prefer everyone else (Alex)
• White_Tiger - man it’s so hard to decide, everyone here is just so likeable and
  oh the chicken and pringles didn’t do anything at all (Chicken)

Alex: It’s cool, no problem! I also prefer everyone else to me!

Pringles: That’s still not as depressing as me getting voted out because of PICKLED ONION MONSTER MUNCH!!! IT REALLY WAS A WALKERS SHILL!!! And what, Pringles hurt your teeth? WOW. SUCH A GREAT REASON TO VOTE SOMEONE OFF. But hey, no big deal. I’m going to win whether or not I’m in this competition.

purple: unlikely, but that’s the spirit! anyway get sent to the time cube lol

Pringles is sent to the time cube

Pringles: BUY PRINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee-

PRINGLES GUY HAS LOST THE GAME

Pringles Guy lands in the Time Cube

Nook: pleasestoppleasestoppleasestoppleasestop

Ray: Dumb ass educators fear me and hide from debate.

Pringles: WAIT NO PLEASE SEND ME BACK

purple: ( to everyone ) ok, first we need to do the character profiles for stay puft and minos prime.

stay puft: the wh

stay puft marshmallow man

“bustin bustin bustin bustin bustin bustin bustin bustin feel good feel good bustin make me feel good~”

origin: Ghostbusters (1984)

pronouns: he/him

likes: robux

dislikes: the cancellation of lego dimensions year 3

fun fact: from literally 1984

Minos Prime

“AND THY PUNISHMENT IS DEATH!”

origin: ULTRAKILL

pronouns: he/him

likes: making people atone

dislikes: robots

fun fact: not a fully formed prime soul but will still kick thy ass

purple: now name your team.

stay puft: the what?

purple: cool

the what: stay puft marshmallow man, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Springtrap: That is the worst possible name you could’ve chosen.

Goomba: Our team is called ‘poo poo bum bum wee wee’.

Springtrap: Never mind. 

purple: now, let’s all go to this really long, in fact infinitely long, tower, and prepare for the next challenge.

everyone is teleported to an abandoned, industrial tower

Akechi: And what will it be today? This will be less taxing than the last one, yes?

purple: we’re playing a different version of flood escape

Charlie: didn’t we literally just do natural disasters?

purple: this is different. instead of being the team who wins, you just have to not lose. because this tower with all its platforms and stairs and general roblox things like the weird rectangles you can climb is going to be flooded, and the first team to lose all their members is next up for elimination. doesn’t matter if you die or not, being submerged in the flood for more than 3 seconds means you’re out! this is essentially a test of just how far you can run. maybe there’s a top, maybe there’s not. who knows? you’ll know soon. also, some platforms will crumble and fall when you step on them, and i have some other obstacles around. the flood is going to start in 30 seconds. enjoy!

purple then disappears

autism creature: YIPPEE!!!

the autism creature also disappears

Dude: …shit.

the tower starts filling up with hydrochloric acid, Tamatoa and Blahaj instantly die because they’re too big to survive the acid

Akechi: ACID?! We need to… well, we can start by killing Reagan. He’s not going to live anyw

Doofenshmirtz: BEHOLD! An indestructible bubble of PURE EVIL!!!

Doofenshmirtz shoots Reagan, putting him in the bubble

Akechi: Never mind. The rest of

Doofenshmirtz has somehow constructed a hovercraft which the entirety of Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz is on, whilst carrying the bubble

Matt: Oh, IT’S ON.

Doofenshmirtz: TRY TO KEEP UP AND ESCAPE THE ACID, BUT YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME, DR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ!

Skipeter: We really are the Sigma Chads and you’re the Soy Wojaks!

Matt jumps from place to place as the hovercraft moves up

Syphilis: I CAN’T DO THI-

Syphilis dies instantly

Akechi: WHY.

the youtube dislike button pushes Akechi into the acid before floating to the top

Akechi: MOTHERFU-

Akechi also dies

sans: that seems fun

sans also jumps into the acid and dies

Matt: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Crow: It seems my fellow contestant has not returned from the acid. Very strange.

the crow uses their arcane magic to force ralph into boosting them up

Crow: Thank you, fellow contestant. Say, how willing are you to jump into acid?

Ralph: CURSES!

Crow: I see, I see. Sadly, this is one occasion where your answer doesn’t matter.

Ralph: DAMN IT!

Ralph jumps into the acid as the crow proves to be surprisingly adept at platforming

stay puft: GO, GO, GO!

DOGMA: BUT IF WE WANT IN THE LIGHT AS HE IS IN THE LIGHT

Jesus: Your hatred will not send you to the Kingdom of God. 

DOGMA: BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE SPIRIT WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN!

Jesus: Before Abraham, I am.

DOGMA: YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF GOD AND SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH!

Jesus: You claim to be Christian. Am I not Christ himself?

g: g

the sheer force of the g sends them both flying to the top as they keep arguing

Chicken: hopping along only to be hit by Greg Homebrew, sent flying by Minos Prime, as they both fall into the acid and die

Greg: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- ( dies )

Minos: DIE!

only for Minos to be kicked off by Springtrap

stay puft: HE’S ON OUR TEAM YOU FUCKING IDIOT

Springtrap: It was funny.

Springtrap then turns into a literal spring and springs up to where Omori somehow has already gotten to

Springtrap: Oh hey, a child.

Omori: …

Springtrap: Fuck it.

Springtrap tries to kill Omori but is slightly impeded by the red hands pushing him into the acid

Omori: …

Omori runs forward only to be impeded by Springtrap again

Springtrap: I ALWAYS come back.

they both engage in battle as Doofenshmirtz’s aircraft flies above them

red: huh. this is both easier and harder than expected.

Skipeter: It’s because we’re the GOATs!

red: true. WAIT. YOU’RE NOT ON OUR TEAM ANYMORE.

red pulls out a gun

red: and now? I get to kill you.

the Skipeter toilet flies off

red: OH COME ON

Skipeter is impeded by Specimen 8

8: Don’t resist. It’ll be over soon.

Skipeter: You don’t get it! I must become the rizzler!

8: Your flesh will sustain my children.

they both engage in battle until they both bodyslam each other into the acid

Goomba: Holy shit, uwu’s nearly dea

Goomba, Postal Dude, supply teacher, Morbius and Miku are hit by the acid

Goomba: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Miku: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Morbius: MOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB-

supply: THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY A CHEMISTRY PRACTICAL-

Dude: Eh, I’m into this anyway-

they all die as they are submerged

Alex and Omori both land on Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz’s hovercraft as Springtrap falls into the acid

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Alex and Omori the Humans! What an unexpected surprise, and by unexpected, I mean COMPLETELY EXPECTED!

a platypus size trap lands on them both as the rest of Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz look at Doofenshmirtz

Rudolf: What were you hoping to accomplish there?

Knight: moves in an L shape, and then gets kicked into the acid by Alex

Alex: We’re here to fight you and win! I guess? I don’t know, we could team up on the othe

red: PIANO BITCH I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

red and Rudolf both launch themselves at Omori

Alex: Cool! ( pulls out an enchanted diamond sword )

GUEST 666: AS IFVG THADT SEROD COFULD GPD O ANYFGTHING COMSPDARED OT MY CKNOIFE!!!!!!!!!! AHAHKASHJBADBH<AVBM<ASVBM<

GUEST 666 is knocked off with one hit

Charlie launches himself at Alex, who hits her twice with the sword

Charlie: I don’t know what I was expec

Charlie falls into the acid as Alex turns her attention on red and Rudolf

red: let’s brawl, fuckers

red pulls out a gun and shoots Omori three times

IT HIT RIGHT IN THE HEART!!!

Omori: …

Omori proceeds to HACK AWAY at red with their own knife

red: I WILL END YOU

red became FURIOUS

Omori used confetti three times and became MANIC

red: NOTHING YOU DO WILL SAVE YOU NOW!!!!

red proceeds to morph into a monsterous version of themself, tentacles everywhere

red: PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!

Rudolf proceeds to be knocked off by Alex’s sword

Doofenshmirtz: I would help, but, you know, steering the craft.

red stabs Omori several times with razor sharp tentacles

IT HIT RIGHT IN THE HEART!!!

Omori took 405490904 damage

red: and it is don

OMORI did not succumb.

OMORI used ERASE!

red took 5954878947854 damage and crashed the entire ship down

Doofenshmirtz: CURSE YOU, OMORI THE HUMAN!!!!

red, Omori and Doofenshmirtz all fall into the acid as Alex and the bubble holding Reagan end up on a platform

the bubble holding Reagan pierces on Matt as Matt also falls into the acid

Reagan: You may believe you have a chance against the president of America, but be warned. I KNOW KUNG FU!

Alex shoots an arrow out of her bow which flies just past Reagan’s head

Reagan: Missed me.

the arrow then explodes, killing Reagan

Alex: You were saying? Hey, I sounded cool for once!

the acid stops

purple: welp, seeing as the entirety of Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz is in the acid, they’re up for elimination next! 

OHIO GYATT FORTNITE RIZZ HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

everyone is teleported into the pizza place

purple: so, uh, congrats to our new team for not losing round 1 of existence. sucks for doof that he lost the first challenge he was in, but what can you do? voters, you know the drill by now. 

red: …i lost?

Matt: Even in death, I won. Take the L.

red: fuck you, piano bitch.

Rudolf: On behalf of our team, we will have revenge. You just messed with a professional assassin. 

red: and a shapeshifter with anger issues.

Knight: moves in an L shape… threateningly

Reagan: On behalf of AMERICA, I will strike you down.

Charlie: sure. why not. 

Doofenshmirtz: You’ll never be Perry the Platypus level, but you’ll make for a very beatable NEMESIS!

GUEST 666: I WILL ENFJOY KIXLLIGVN YOCYU MORDE THAZNN OALL DHTHE OTHERDS, AND TFHTAT IS DXAYING SOFMETHING!!!!!!!!! WIFFDNTESSFIDNG THED XLIFE SLEAVESXXD YORU EYSYES DWILSLS BEJDX: EXTRESNCXLETY SaTOSTDYING!!!!! ABAGABGAGAHGAHAHAHKAHJAHKB>AHKBASHKBASHKBASHKBAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purple: one of you is going soon

red: don’t vote me. i have a piano key looking ass 12 year old to kill

Rudolf: I still need to find Joey Steel.

Charlie: vote me if you want. I don’t really care right now.

Knight: moves in an L shape

GUEST 666: BVOTGINFG MED WIDLLD SIMPDLY BEDY SIFNIGNG YODUR DEASD WARRANDT!!!! AHAHASHASHSAJHASGHJ>ASGHK:ASHU?AS@HUOASHUI@ASHAHAHGAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reagan: I am the 40th President of the United States of AMERICA. Eliminating me would be the equivalent of saying my glorious country is somehow bad!

Charlie: I mean, it is…

Doofenshmirtz: If you vote me off, I’ll build a VOTER LIQUIDATOR INATOR!!!

purple: voting form below as usual. see you next challenge!

Akechi: One that won’t be natural disaster related, yes?

purple: i don’t need natural disasters to make an interesting challenge.

Syphilis: W-w-w-w-w-what’s g-g-g-g-g-going t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-be th-th-the n-n-n-next one?

purple: :)

Syphilis: O-o-o-o-o-o-oh n-n-n-n-n-n-no.

Skipeter: I don’t think I’ve got enough lines, my baby gronks. 

red: trust me, you only needed one to cause everyone psychic damage.

form over sorry :(

8: Halt, child. I would like to speak to you.

Alex: Hi, creepy deer thing! Wait, is that a bad thing to say?

8: Not at all. I have no official name that I can remember. Many call me Specimen 8, but I prefer the Deer Lord.

Alex: OK, the Deer Lord!

8: You fought well against the forces who tried to impede you. I, personally, failed. In my first challenge. This is a rare occasion. Let me assure you that what I may lack in strength, I make up for in knowledge.

Alex: What if you became a cake? What would you do as a cake? I’d sponge around and enjoy life, but what about you?

8: You seem to be a direct opposite. I believe we could mutually benefit each other.

Alex: Oh, cool! What were you thinking?

8: I am blessed with the divine knowledge of Bayagototh themself. You have strength which could rival the one who escaped, and I simply want to share something meaningful with my teammate.

Alex: Am I joining a cult?

8: Would that make you more or less interested?

Alex: Is it a food cult?

8: There is food involved, yes.

Alex: I’m convinced! Absolutely nothing bad could happen! Wait, what did you say your god was called again?

8: Bayagototh.

Alex: Too long. Good luck with your freaky cult thing!

Alex leaves

8: …no matter. There are other victims. I have a ‘cult’ to start, then.

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Queen from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

at the pizza place

Rudolf: You.

dislike: me?

Rudolf: I need information.

dislike: wouldn’t it be better to wait until after you’re certain you’re not out tho

Rudolf: Ronald Reagan is on my team. I’m not in danger. You, on the other hand, will be if you don’t start telling me what I want to hear.

dislike: about what

Rudolf: Joey Steel. You mentioned a ‘tweet’, right?

dislike: did i? probably. why do you ask?

Rudolf: Elaborate on the tweet. What was mentioned on the tweet? Was it doxxing someone, or a callout post, or what? Tell me what you know.

dislike: your social link is only rank 2 sorry :(

Rudolf: Stop hiding information. Stop playing your little games and tell me where to find Joey Steel.

dislike: no

Rudolf: Why not?

dislike: because you aren’t one of the kool kats

Rudolf: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ALREADY.

Tamatoa: Uh, I don’t know what’s going on here. I just wanted some pizza.

Tamatoa gets some pizza

Tamatoa: Wait, who cooks this?

Mii Gunner: it’s automatic

Tamatoa: Oh, cool.

…………

Gunner: wait fuck

Alex: Hi friend! How are you today?

Gunner: i should not have appeared here.

Alex: I think I recognize you! Are you part of the Cake Lovers Association?

Gunner: you probably know me from smash bros. you were in the same tournament. before it closed off.

Tamatoa: Wait, Smash Bros is an actual tournament? Who won?

Gunner: kirby. it was always going to be kirby. steve and sephiroth were second and third, which is really annoying given that they joined extremely late.

Rudolf: I’m just going to eat this pizza. The button is not giving me answers.

dislike: ‘the button’ is a demeaning name

Alex: So, whatcha doin here?

Gunner: i’m just here. purple was my roommate for university so i’m observing their dumb show. it’s been fairly mediocre so far.

dislike: hey i understood the joke

purple: so did i. also rudolf, your getting teleported.

Gunner: you’re

purple: thanks, vigi :)

vigi: is it impossible to piss you off?

prple: apparently. anyway, get teleported lol

Rudolf and the rest of the contestants are teleported to the skeld, along with vigi

vigi: why the hell am i here too?

purple: hi! before i start with votes, i’d like everyone to meet who is hopefully the last recurring character to be introduced. this is my new co host, vigi!

vigi: i did not agree to

purple: you’re getting paid, like, 400 an hour

vigi: damn it. my only weakness. being constantly broke.

……

vigi: wait, how the hell can you afford that?

purple: moving along, let’s kick out someone from Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz! wooooooo!

red: this is not a ‘woo’ moment you bitch

purple: if you want to feel worse, you, GUEST 666 and rudolf did not get any prize votes.

red: FUCK

GUEST 666: ILLS KILLEDFD YODU ALL!!!! AHASHJSABHASHKB<AS

Rudolf: Fair enough.

purple: knight from chess only got one prize vote

Knight: tilts head dejectedly

purple: and irritatingly, everyone else got the exact same amount of votes. 2 each for doofenshmirtz, reagan and charlie.

Charlie: cool

Doofenshmirtz: YES! BOW BEFORE ME!

Reagan: I KNEW THE GREAT PEOPLE OF AMERICA WOULD COME THROUGH AND DEFEAT THE SOVIET SCUM!

purple: voting reasons:

• Eight. - HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE TRI-STATE AREA HELL YEAH!!!!! He's also pretty cool. (Doofenshmirtz)
• beaner - #savecharliethechili (Charlie)
• Shoop - Am I crazy or did the Queen from chess disappear and get replaced with the Knight (Knight)
• FacTorial - DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!! (Doofenshmirtz)
• ADAGE - This whole systems rigged and we all know the riggers; for the last eight years this country’s been run by - (Reagan)
• Fat juicy Fazbearussy - Anyone but red bfr (Reagan)
• G - Pepper (Charlie)

so, uh, since doofenshmirtz was first to win, he’s the only one safe. but hey, the rest of you get prizes!

Doofenshmirtz is tossed a LEGO PAC MAN set, Reagan is tossed some pretty cool beans which hit him in the crotch, Charlie is tossed a whistle

red: someone chose REAGAN over me? what the fuck??

Charlie: for what it’s worth, all you do is beef with omori and sound like a vivziepop character. like, i genuinely don’t think you’ve had a single line without swearing. bit excessive.

red: kill yourself

Charlie: just saying. also save me from what? i’m not in danger when both guest 666 and REAGAN are here.

purple: funny you should say that

Charlie: wait, am I in danger?

purple: no, you only got one vote. GUEST 666 and reagan, on the other hand, tied. with 2 votes each. it’s another random number generator situation! also red and doofenshmirtz also had 1 person gunning for them, whilst knight and rudolf didn’t.

Rudolf: Good to know.

Reagan: And here I thought we finally had the loyal AMERICANS with us!

GUEST 666: IF I AMAS VOTEDF OUT THSANE I WASILL FIDNF A WSAY TOFCX KILLD YOU!!!!!!!!!! AHASJBM<ASHJASNBHMASNHNVB ASM HJHMGB ASHMJHMASBNHMANSHBNV   ASNHMGN BNVAS NHBN A VAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purple: first, let’s read some reasons:

• Eight. - His joke has gotten old. (GUEST 666)
• beaner - its hard to read the typos (GUEST 666)
• Shoop - here’s a fun game: google any graph of the usa’s economic status in any form over time and look at how easy it is to pinpoint exactly when Reagan became president because everything went to shit (Reagan)
• FacTorial - Reagan, I have just made America (only your version of it, at least) ontologically, pataphysically, and objectively bad. That is, it is now objectively unethical to support and even live in (your) America, as doing so will make you objectively worse than the Axis Powers combined. Right now, thousands of people (I can't call them the A-word because it is now objectively worse than all the slurs combined) are immigrating to other countries in order to rid themselves of their now objective sin. [insert maniacal laughter here] (Reagan)
• ADAGE - Guys wouldn’t it be hilarious if Doof got out immediately after joining (Doofenshmirtz)
• Fat juicy Fazbearussy - Hes red (red)
• G - Orange (Charlie)

Charlie: did the same person who voted me for a prize also put me up for elimination?

red: evidently. also i exclusively go by they/them pronouns, ‘fat juicy fazbearussy’, you piece of shit.

Reagan: FacTorial, if what you say is true, I WILL PERSONALLY SEE TO IT THAT YOU FEEL THE FULL WEIGHT AND FORCE OF THE U.S. MILITARY!!! YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU MESS WITH AMERICA!!!

vigi: i really hope you go. anyway, pick a number between 69 and 420

purple: really?

Reagan: AMERICA.

vigi:that’s not a number you fucking idiot

Reagan: 256.

vigi: outdated roblox creepypasta, pick a different number.

GUEST 666: WHY, 266, OF COURSE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

red: oh my innersloth. no typos at all. still in caps, but no typos. 

Charlie: what? has he been fucking with us this whole time?

vigi: dammit, the number was 187. reagan was closer.

Reagan: AND YET AGAIN, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WINS!!!
GUEST 666: DHANEISDUKH2N3O9ELWOULIHCJMP;R/’:dlV,=#=]EW[JONDBLIUEKLIHKVNR0;IPR’DO[#P]L[CWpoeRHLVNLOE;IRWP;/OfikpR;LV

.W[E#AK;VM;0IWPR; FODK;LFV#=-]AE[PJKMVOLU;3LRJKNWJFMDP0DI’PPEODJ0EWJCUNVRJFBEHUDNJICMKOIL,PEWORFKTIGJUVNMCK,OLKFITGJUMVK,CLOKVTIMBJNV MFKC,LOKVRITMBJNJ KMGVFK.PROFVKTIBMJKV F,NEUKFSJBNUKUIELKJAHLKSFNMO;INEO ;I;OMWRP03J09PHN87TIUGBN4 IUKJTEHN4/48TNIEU/IOEWBRKUYIUKFVDKUYWEJHV FCIE7UG45UB873GRFBUYCUKJDNIUFBHN8KEIKUSJBRFDN 8KE7IUSJBFCNX UKEFYKSFUGHBNEUKFKYUGMFBHFENUKSYJHDJGBEW SYJHDJHGWBS YJDHJMYEGHBSYJHFJEMHGBEFYUJYMHGBFEJYUJTGFECBUKEFYHBFEDNUYJDBUDEYJ FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

red: MY EARS

GUEST 666: I WIL KILSLD VEFDDYER LASTF PNE DOF YOGFVCU!!!!!! I WILDL MAKE DHTE  SEASD RUFCND REDCX WITH YOGFCUDSR BLODOCFO!!!!!!!! DONRFD,JNT’T YOGFCDU KNWSOW WHDXSO AI2O8AIAM?!!!!!!! I AM GUDSEST 666, RHE UDLKDIGK

GUEST 666 is thrown into the Time Cube

GUEST 666 HAS LOST THE GAME

GUEST 666: SERIA- WHERTED AMD I?!

Pringles: PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

Nook: I’LL PAY MY EMPLOYEES, I’LL STOP CHARGING OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF RENT, JUST LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!!!!!!

GUEST 666: oh no

purple: anyway have we got everyone

Rudolf: Not even remotely.

vigi: we’re still in the skeld you idiot

purple: cool

……

vigi: are you going to

everyone is now at some random school

purple: welcome to the schoolhouse

Skipeter: Like my second favourite game ‘The Baldi’s Basics’! Man, I love that game almost as much as I love looksmaxxing!

Akechi: Nothing you just said was even remotely comprehensible.

purple: which may be a problem for you, because you’re now going to school.

…

Omori immediately tries to stab himself but is stopped by Alex

purple: come on, it’ll be entertaining! for me, anyway. you’ll probably want to cause 3 world wars worth of property damage by the end of this. you pretty much have a full 5 days of school. lessons and all. the team with the lowest grades altogether loses and is up for elimination. bye!

purple disappears

autism creature: YIPPEE!!

Matt: THIS IS NOT A ‘YIPPEE’ MOMENT. I FUCKING HATE THE EDUCATION SYSTEM!

supply: Because you refused to engage with it?

Matt: More because of the racial profiling and bullying and all that. 

supply: The WHAT?!

Matt: You do know about the faults of the education system, right? Like the way it disadvantages POC kids and neurodivergent kids? You do know this, right?

supply: Are you accusing schools of being institutionally racist?

Matt: Blatantly.

Springtrap: ‘Blatan’- This is why your wife left you.

Matt: I’m gay.

Springtrap: This is why your husband left you.

Matt: That’s better.

vigi: get in the fucking school already

everyone is then in the school

ASSEMBLY

Matt: It’s worse than I thought. The British system .

stay puft: oh no

Mr Person comes into the hall

Mr Person: Welcome, students, to another term of our fine school! Now, God. God is great. He’s pretty cool. Everyone loves God.

dislike: i don’t

Mr Person: Then you can go to HELL!

…

Mr Person: Everyone knows that God is good, and sent Jesus down to bring us salvation and ERADICATE ALL THE GA

Mr Irrelevant: Sir. We’re meant to do an assembly on online safety.

Mr Person: …right.

stay puft: the fuck just happened?

Mr Person: SILENCE DURING ASSEMBLIES! You cannot be talking over the headteacher.

stay puft: but i am the headteacher

Mr Person: You can take this position from my COLD DEAD HANDS. 

stay puft: i think you’re a poopy head, ok?

Mr Person: …

an anvil lands on stay puft, killing him

Mr Person: Who’s laughing now, student? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone should’ve taught you NORMAL safety instead of you SUCKING at it! Speaking of which, online safety really is easy to 

supply: YOU JUST KILLED A MAN!

red: there are like at least 9 mass murderers or so in this competition why are you surprised

supply: THEY WEREN’T TEACHERS! FIGURES OF AUTHORITY SHOULD NOT BE SO CALLOUS WITH HUMAN LIFE!
Akechi: You are aware I’m a police officer, yes?

supply: I have not said anything remotely positive about you this whole contest.

Mr Person: SILENCE DURING ASSEMBLIES! Now, the key to online safety is simple. You need to 

Mr Person notices the Skipeter toilet

Skipeter: What is up, my fellow rizzlord? Have you been scoring those Number 1 Victory Royales, or are you just not sigma enough? Uncanny, perhaps?

Mr Person: I take it all back. There is no God. Gay people aren’t all degenerate scum. Everything I knew to be true is fals- WHY IS JESUS HERE TOO?! THEY BOTH CONTRADICT EACH OTHER!! WHAT IS GOING ON?! You know what? Online safety isn’t real. That thing , that unspeakable abomination , exists outside the internet. Or maybe it was an invention of the internet? But then how is it here? Is it even real? Am I real? Am I just words on a page? Is 

the blahaj bites off the head of John Person

Skipeter: This really was a Garten of Banban moment.

DOGMA: THE LORD WILL CLEANSE US FROM ALL THE SIN WE CARRY FROM ADAM AND EVE!

Mr Irrelevant: I’m not teaching these people.

Mrs Copeandseethe: Then I shall. There are many websites on the internet. Many of them are good, such as Google Sheets or Microsoft Excel or any other website that can be used for jobs in the workplace. There are also websites like X

Akechi: What is this ‘X’?

dislike: twitter rebranded because of a far right billionaire with a slave mine

Akechi: …WHY?!

Mrs Copeandseethe: As I was saying before I was RUDELY interrupted, there are websites like X, Facebook and TikTok. 

Tamatoa: You know TikTok’s an app, right?

Mrs Copeandseethe: Well, that’s not what we’re talking about. Not that YOU should be talking during an assembly. We’re talking about online safety. What’s the most important thing you can do to be safe online?

Charlie: set the service lines on fire

Akechi: Befriend a 15 year old hacker with anxiety. 

Springtrap: Kill every child you meet so that they’re not in danger of subjecting you to their opinions.

dislike: three letters. k, y and s.

Mrs Copeandseethe: Not one of those was even close to being correct, and I did not see a SINGLE hand up!

Greg: Ye shou’d make sure that ye hav’ a good AdBlock, firs’ of all. Ye shou’d also subscribe to a VPN fer both extra security an’ bein’ able to access media from otharr countries, me mateys. If ye REALLY want to get the booty that we call maximum safety, ye shou’d install an antivirus, like Avast. Always check that th’ site ye want to go on is consider’d safe. And make sure that ye no be givin’ oot person’l information. 

Mrs Copeandseethe: No.

Ralph: Look, I hate him, but he was pretty much on the money there.

Mrs Copeandseethe: Actually, you should just not be on the internet. That works better. In fact, I would recommend everyone move off the internet immediately after school.

dislike: i’m literally the youtube dislike button. it is physically impossible for me to be off the internet.

Mrs Copeandseethe: Well, that sounds like a problem for you, not me. 

g: g

Mr Irrelevant: I feel like we should actually

the bell goes

Mr Irrelevant: Well, never mind, then. Can we quickly pronounce John as dead so I can claim the headmaster position?

MATHS

Baldi: Now it’s time for everybody’s favourite subject! Math! Answer the three questions correctly and

red: no.

red immediately shoots Baldi five times

Charlie: not that I don’t get it, but how do we do maths now? 

8: I have my methods if you are willing to fulfill a favour for me later.

Charlie: absolutely terrible idea, but why not?

Akechi: We are still

Baldi: Problem 1. 8 + 1 =

red: how the fuck are you alive?

Baldi: I GET ANGRIER EACH PROBLEM YOU GET WRONG

Baldi proceeds to beat red to death with a ruler

Goomba: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Baldi: YOU GOT THE QUESTION WRONG

Goomba proceeds to run away as Baldi chases after him, but to no avail

Baldi: Maybe you didn’t hear me! What’s 8 + 1?

Skipeter: That would be 9, my fellow pogchamp.

Baldi: You got it right! Problem 2: 5 - 7 =

Alex: Hey, I know this! It’s -2!

Baldi: Wow! You’re incredible! Problem 3: ( insert overlapping numbers and problem signs here )

supply: That’s… that’s literally not possible!

Baldi; I HEAR EVERY DOOR YOU OPEN

supply: WAIT NO

supply teacher starts running away fast, but the door is locked

supply: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Baldi kills her

Skipeter: 69420

Baldi: You did great! Come here and get your prize! A shiny quarter! 

Skipeter: Pog

ppbbww: 2

uwu: 𝟝𝟝𝟡

ogfr: 𝟜𝟘

sug: 0

the what: 0

Matt: We are losing to Gen Alpha brainrot. I just, I don’t know what to say anymore. Can maths class be over already?

the bell goes

ENGLISH

Mrs Copeandseethe: Right, class, it seems that you are now here for English class.

Springtrap is notably not there

Mrs Copeandseethe: Well, it seems that we are missing a student.

Springtrap walks in covered in blood

Springtrap: Sorry about that. 

Mrs Copeandseethe: Do you have a good reason for why you came in 30 seconds late?

Springtrap: I saw not just one. but five children who were alive, and I had some spare animatronic suits.

Tamatoa tries to get in but gets stuck in the door

Tamatoa: Ow, crap, [DOLPHIN NOISE], my claw, that hurts!

Mrs Copeandseethe: If you could stop messing around and do the task on the board, that would be great.

Tamatoa: I’M TOO BIG TO GET IN THE [DOLPHIN NOISE] CLASSROOM!

Springtrap: That sounds like a problem for you, not me.

Skipeter: L + Ratio + You literally kill children

Dude: Oh, that’s another level of fucked up.

Akechi: Aren’t you a serial killer?

Dude: Not when it comes to kids . That’s just… wrong.

Mrs Copeandseethe: There’ll be plenty of time for you all to talk about child murder at break. We’re doing English. Now, let us analyze the 53rd sentence of acclaimed play MacBetf.

Greg: Arr, ye seem to hav’ made a minor spellin’ mistake.

Mrs Copeandseethe: IT CAN’T BE-

Mrs Copeandseethe then falls through the floor straight into hell

Charlie: erm, well THAT just happened! ( canned laughter plays )

Akechi: Where is that coming from?

canned laughter machine guy: i just wanted to be a part of something :( i’ll see myself out

canned laughter machine guy throws himself into the hole that leads to hell

Akechi: I never thought I would find a school worse than Shujin for education.

sans: i call lunch

Akechi: You are not even remotely a teache

LUNCH

Akechi: I don’t know why I expected anything different.

Akechi then spots Makoto Nijima on her phone and decides to move up to her

Akechi: Why, hello, Nijima-sa

Reagan: DO NOT USE THOSE HONORIFICS FROM AN INFERIOR COUNTRY, FOR THIS IS AMERICA!

Makoto: …Akechi-kun, how were you not the biggest surprise here?

Reagan: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT HONORIFICS?!

Akechi shoots Ronald Reagan 5 times in the chest

Akechi: That should cover it.

Makoto: WHAT?!

Akechi: What’s wrong, Nijima-san?

Makoto: YOU JUST KILLED RONALD REAGAN!

Akechi: I thought we had established that I was, indeed, capable of murder?

Makoto: WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!

Akechi: Now comes something I’ve wanted to do for a while.

Springtrap proceeds to stab Makoto Nijima thirty five times

Springtrap: Sorry, I just really like killing people under the age of 18.

Akechi: YOU ABSOLUTE- Actually, you know what? I’ll have plenty of time to exact my revenge later.

Springtrap: What’s with the mood change?

Akechi: Oh, nothing. Just trying to make sure I’m good for the audience.

Springtrap: No, you’re planning something. But since I respect the devious grind, I’ll just go find another child.
Akechi: What is wrong with you?

Springtrap: Haven’t you heard? I’m the man behind the slaughter.

Springtrap starts dancing while Akechi just edges away slowly

SCIENCE

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, I know a thing or two about science!

Matt: I don’t, but I know how to make a bo

Akechi: IT’S A SCHOOL.

Matt: …this is true.

Charlie: I actually know what I’m doing!

Ms Science: Hello, class! Today we will be dissecting a chicken!

Chicken: freezes

Ms Science: Now, everyone get ready for a fun lesson!

ENGINEERiNG

Doofenshmirtz: That wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but it’s one less contestant who can battle me, DR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ!!!!

Springtrap: Oh, I’m GOOD at mechanical stuff.

Engi Neer: Well, class, today we will be doing some engineering!

dislike: never could’ve guessed

Engi: My wife killed herself yesterday, so please don’t be too loud today!

Doofenshmirtz: BEHOLD, THE MAKE-OBSCENE-AMOUNTS-OF-NOISE INATOR!

Engi: I prefer the baking soda volcano.

Springtrap: You’ll love my invention even more!

Engi: What is it?

Springtrap: A gun.

Springtrap shoots Engi Neer 2 times in the head

PE

gym teacher: we’re playing dodgeball

Syphilis: I-i-i-i-i-i-i d-d-d-d-don’t d-d-d-do w-w-w-w-well in phy-phy-phy-phy-physi

gym teacher: shut up and have fun. i need to go be a prick.

Springtrap: No.

Springtrap proceeds to rip apart the gym teacher limb from limb while everyone else sorts themselves

Syphilis: C-c-c-c-c-c-can I-i-i-i-i-i-i s-s-s-s-sit th-th-th-this o-o-o-o-o-one o-o-o-o-out?

Matt: No, fuck that, everyone against me.

they do that, aside from Springtrap who is busy killing the cleaners

Miku: This VOCALOID means business!

Matt: Well? Throw the ball.

Miku: OK!

Miku throws the ball at Matt only for him to grab it, throw it back, and shatter her skull completely

Jesus: You have decided on violence. And sadly, the only way I can possibly stop you is through reciprocation.

Jesus and Matt engage in a back to back ball throwing session which Jesus eventually loses

Knight: is hit with a ball and shatters

Omori is hit

OMORI did not succumb.

Matt: That’s four out already. Come on, you fucks can take out one person, right?

Matt throws the ball at Syphilis

Syphilis: AAAAAA

Syphilis swings her prosthetic arm and accidentally parries the ball, breaking Matt’s right arm

Matt: Ow, fuck. Damn, you have some ability after all.

Syphilis: imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

Matt: Well, you win. That’s a point to our team anyway, and I’ve discovered something interesting that I’m absolutely going to abuse.

ppbbww: 2

uwu: 𝟙𝟘𝟘𝟘

ogfr: 𝟜𝟘𝟘

sug: 1

the what: 0

Matt: Wait, what the fuck is with those scores?

GUIDANCE

Mr Perzon: HOW HAVE YOU ALL KILLED SO MANY TEA- Oh, never mind. Not like any of them are irreplaceable, we’re pretty good at underpaying people. Anyway, it’s clear we’re going to have to instill some British Values.

Akechi: I’m Japanese.

Crow: Whilst we are sharing information, would you be willing to divulge your favourite combination of letters and numbers?

Akechi: FuckY0uJ0k3r

Crow: Ah, I see, I see. This is a very good combination. I will definitely not be using it for anything that you could consider a breach of privacy.

Mr Perzon: NO TALKING WHEN THE TEACHER’S TALKING! Now, since we APPARENTLY all need to learn BASIC HUMAN DECENCY and to NOT KILL PEOPLE, we’re going to have to do some more work than the USUAL Guidance classes. How do you turn such an easy class to teach into THIS? Anyway, let’s start. What do you do when someone is mean to you? No, Omori, put the knife away, PUT THE KNIFE AWAY, THAT’S NOT WHAT WE DO. Christ, have you

Jesus: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.

Mr Perzon: Sorry. Hey, would you look at that, class! I just expressed basic human decency! I didn’t kill anyone, no horrific maiming

Springtrap: Sounds boring. Give me 200 points.

Mr Perzon: NO?! Just for that, I’m giving… ‘sans undertale gaming’ 3! Now you’re LAST! You’ll have to KILL ME FOR THOSE POINTS! Wait I shouldn’t have said that I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT

Springtrap: Lmao.

Springtrap takes Mr Perzon out and the class hears some horrific screaming as they all just go to history

HISTORY

Miss Soontobedead: Greetings, class! Today we will be learning about

Reagan: Is this a History class?

Miss Soontobedead: …yes?

Reagan: There was once a man. A man with a dream. A dream to one day be great. That man was the FOUNDING FATHERS. And now, America is not just GREAT, it is GLORIOUS.

Charlie: everything you just said is wrong

Reagan: SHUT UP! The Soviet Union was then invented by Joseph Stalin in order to DESTROY the glorious system of CAPITALISM and AMERICA and EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR!

Rudolf: Wait, say that name again?

Reagan: AMERI

Rudolf: The Soviet leader.

Reagan: Joseph Stalin, the Devil’s right hand man!

Rudolf: …you just helped me out a great deal. Thank you.

Morbius proceeds to interrupt Ronald Reagan

Morbius: Two trucks having sex

Two trucks having sex

My muscles, my muscles

Involuntarily flex

Two trucks having sex

Two trucks having sex

My muscles, my muscles

Involuntarily flex

Two pickup trucks

Making love

American made

Built Ford tough

Two beautiful murder machines

American angels in the sky

Grown men cry

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

My muscles (oh), my muscles (oh)

Involuntarily flex

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

My muscles (oh) my muscles (oh)

Involuntarily flex

Right by my side

There's zz top

And Robert Z'Dar

From maniac cop one, two and three

This barbecue could bring you to your knees

And so could these two trucks

Two trucks holding hands

Two trucks holding hands

The passion, the passion

Is more than I can withstand

Two trucks holding hands

Two trucks holding hands

The passion, the passion

My big fat heart expands

Two pickup trucks

One cylinder block

Crush my body like a rock

So beautiful

No stars tonight

Just fireworks and eagles in the sky

The founding fathers cry

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

My muscles (oh) my muscles (oh)

Involuntarily flex

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

Two trucks having sex (oh yes)

My muscles (oh) my muscles (oh)

Involuntarily flex

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ah

Two trucks having sex

Two trucks having sex

My muscles, my muscles

Involuntarily flex

Two trucks having sex

Two trucks having sex

My muscles, my muscles

Involuntarily flex

Two trucks (having sex)

Two trucks (having sex)

Two trucks (having sex, having sex, having sex)

Two trucks (having sex)

Two trucks (having sex)

Two trucks (having sex, having sex, having sex)

Reagan: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY AMERICA BEING GLORIOUS

dislike: why not? it’s a banger song

Miss Soontobedead: Not one element of this was on the lesson plan. You’re not in your seat on the SEATING PLAN I HAVE HERE, YOU IGNORA

Springtrap proceeds to whip out a Bonnie suit

Miss Soontobedead: No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOO

EMERGENCY ASSEMBLY

Mr Irrelevant: CAN WE PLEASE STOP KILLING PEOPLE ALREADY?! IT’S NOT THE ENVIRONMENT WE’RE TRYING TO FOSTER HERE!!!

Minos Prime: THY END IS NOW!

Minos Prime proceeds to beat the shit out of Mr Irrelevant

Mr Irrelevant: WHY?!

Minos Prime: Thy DMs are full of children, and I found thy Minecraft Youtube account on the internet!

Mr Irrelevant: NO WAIT SHE SAID SHE WAS 18 I SWEAR

Akechi: As an officer of the law, and the Second Detective Prince, I hereby arrest you, Keith Irrelevant.

Mr Irrelevant: MY NAME’S NOT KEI

the police all arrest Mr Irrelevant

purple: that went in an interesting direction. how are we doing for scores?

ppbbww: 2

uwu: 𝟙𝟘𝟘𝟘

ogfr: 𝟜𝟘𝟘

sug: 4

the what: 200

purple: those are all blatantly fake and it is clear that this challenge could’ve lasted so much longer. like, the only one genuinely obtained was from poo poo bum bum wee wee, who are now losing. however, the original scores would lead to a tie between teams, and i’m too lazy to do that maths. so, uh, poo poo bum bum wee wee loses!

POO POO BUM BUM WEE WEE HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

supply: HUH?! Wh?! I DIED. I DIED! TO A MATHS TEACHER!

stay puft: if i ever see that ‘john person’ again, i’m going to knock his FUCKING BRAIN OUT OF HIS FUCKING SKULL

Morbius: NOT MORBIN. SO NOT MORBIN.

red: wait, does this mean that the skipeter toilet is finally up for elimination?

purple: b

red: i will be there. no matter what, i will BE THERE. 

purple: so, uh, vote who you want out from this team and who you want to get a nifty little prize

dislike: i mean, it wouldn’t be the first time i’ve been removed from somewhere, but i at least need to get to the team merge, you know?

supply: I must prove that the education system and teachers are better than that… THING.

dislike: hey don’t insult baldi like that

Dude: Hey, I get that I’ve done some morally and ethically questionable things, but I’m at least better than THAT abomination, right?

Skipeter: Hi I’m baldi, nice to rizz you rizz me in the gyatt and call me kai cenat

Morbius: It would be really morbin’ if you did not vote me out and instead voted me for prize.

Goomba: As long as I get to see Mario’s head on a pike, I’m happy.

Blahaj: shark noises

Skipeter: It would not be very Kai Cenat Rizz Academy of you to throw me out, chat! It would not be a W, it would be an L! I need to become the rizzler and achieve the epic Number 1 Victory Royale, chat! Bro thinks he can vote me out

g: g

purple: cool. vote using this form here and see you next episode

form over sorry :(

sans: oh, hey, i didn’t get any lines this chapter.

Akechi: I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

sans: anyway, whatcha doin

Akechi: Oh, nothing much, just checking some things out on this phone.

sans: you didn’t have that phone, yours looks different

Akechi: Ah, there may have been one tiny, really small, crime that I committed.

sans: welp this is getting interesting. cya

sans then just disappears

Akechi: Now, let’s try… wow, for someone who’s meant to be an honours student, Nijima is practically HOPELESS at online security. That password was far too easy to guess. Now just check here, and, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crow: What is occuring, my fellow multi dimensional serial killer?

Akechi: Well, with an app I just found, you can actually become one. Do we have an understanding as to some… more interesting things we’ll be doing?

Crow: I see, I see. On behalf of C.A.W, I look forward to working with you.

Akechi leaves, cackling

Crow: …now for that combination.

the crow breaks into Akechi’s bank account

Crow: Now we actually have a deal, Goro Akechi. From one crow to another. Now, let’s see how much we can ruin his reputation.

the crow goes onto Akechi’s Twitter account

Crow: ( typing ) I’m not saying all vaccines cause autism…

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

Morbius: It would be the most incredible superhero movie the world has ever seen!

red: your movie was shit

Morbius: You mean the first movie to make a morbillion dollars at the box office was ‘shit’?

red: the fuck is a ‘morbillion’?

Morbius: Maybe if you were based like me, you’d know, wouldn’t you?

Springtrap: I feel like I haven’t had enough lines yet.

red: the hell do you mean by ‘lines’? 

Springtrap: I haven’t been prominent enough.

red: you killed practically every teacher in our last challenge, how the hell are you not ‘prominent’? 

Springtrap: I just have this feeling. You know? I feel like I haven’t quite killed enough children.

red: what the fuck is WRONG with you?!

Springtrap: You know, I just see children having fun, and I’m like, ‘they would be better as dead spirits in animatronic suits’, and sometimes you just gotta follow your dreams.

red: i’m leaving

purple: it’s time for the elimination!

red: is this the one with the toilet?

purple: b

red: send me up.

purple: you’re not on ppbbww tho

red: i want to look the toilet in the eyes as it finally fucking leaves. i want to see it fail. i will be there no matter what.

purpl: b

ppbbww and red are sent to the skeld

purple: it’s time for an emergency meeting! and today is a special one, because we got double digit votes! a full 11!

vigi: yay.

purple: wait, actually it’s 10. forgot to limit form to 1 response, so one person voted twice, which is not going to be counted. sorry :(

vigi: sad.

purple: starting with prize votes, of which neither morbius nor postal dude got any. 

Dude: Shit.

Morbius: Not morbin’.

purple: uh, blahaj, skipeter toilet and goomba only got one prize vote.

Goomba: That’s unfourtunate.

Blahaj: dismayed shark noises

Skipeter: Chat, is this an IShowSpeed L moment?

purple: uh, supply teacher got 2 votes!

supply: I have a name, you know!

dislike: what is it?

…………

supply: WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER MY NAME?!

Goomba: I’m just surprised you had a name other than ‘supply teacher’.

supply: AND I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS! PURPLE

purple: please stop capitalizing any part of my name

supply: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

purple: nothing? what are you talking about?

supply: I- never mind. 

g: g

purple: what a coincidence! g and dislike were initially tied for prize votes, but then i erased the one that was a duplicate. so, uh, one got three, the other got two.

g: g

purple: no, two. which is what you got. 2 votes. dislike wins the priz why are these all equally tied?? this is just… first one listed is umbrella, so have that.

the youtube dislike button is passed an umbrella

purple: vote reasons:

• Juicy fazballs - You go gurl pussy slay queen girlboss balls (dislike)
• Super saiyan 100 goku - IT MUST RETURN!! (dislike)
• uuooogghhhh brraaaaahh - rest in peace omori omori but also fuck omori omori i hate omori ill never forgive you omori devs (Skipeter)
• Eight. - best introduction in cinematic history. (Goomba)
• FacTorial - How are you the most tolerable person on this team? (supply)
• Shoop - i donno. she's uh. supply teacher (supply)
• ADAGE - All the homies love the silly IKEA plush (Blahaj)
• beaner - bcs trans rights (dislike)
• G - g (g)
• White_Tiger - to be honest youtube dislike button should get my vote...but g has captured the heart of millions (mine) (g)

supply: I’m glad to see that not all minds of the modern generation have been poisoned by the internet.

dislike: we stay winning

Goomba: I’m so glad to have made an impression.

g: g

purple: onto elimination votes! dislike would have been safe anyway with only one vote.

dislike: i’m not attracting enough negativity, huh?

purple: goomba, morbius and the blahaj did not get any votes, while supply and postal dude also got one vote.

Morbius: No one can bring themselves to hate the Number 1 Highest Grossing Movie of All Time.

Goomba: So it’s between the letter g and the toilet?

purple: i would try to build suspense, but first i need to do something.

31 pieces of paper are printed out

vigi: what are you even doing?

the pieces of paper are given to every single remaining contestant

the paper: Skibidi gyatt fanum tax rizzler sigma edging Baby Gronk Livvy Dunne Ohio Fortnite W Chat L Alpha Beta Quandale the Ocky Way 1 2 Buckle my Shoes no glaze no cap gooning meta bababoeey bussin

red: MY EYES

Skipeter: You missed a few, but you’re definitely on the right track to the Garten of Banban, my G!

red: the toilet’s out, right? please tell me the toilet’s out.

purple: yeah, with 5 votes. g stays on with 2.

red: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU, SKIPETER TOILET!

Skipeter: No cap? Fr?

purple: b

Skipeter: Oh, you have GYATT to be RIZZING me!!!!

purple: here’s all those vote reasons readers like reading:

• Juicy fazballs - He didnt sing two trucks and morbius did (supply)
• Super saiyan 100 goku - Generalised hated for all things alphabetical (g)
• uuooogghhhh brraaaaahh - :Q (dislike)
• Eight. - postman pat postman pat postman pat and his black and white cat. (Dude)
• FacTorial - gg ez vote lol (lmao even) (g)
• Shoop - If it's not too much of a hassle can you send a copy of this vote to every contestant?
• Skibidi gyatt fanum tax rizzler sigma edging Baby Gronk Livvy Dunne Ohio Fortnite W Chat L Alpha Beta Quandale the Ocky Way 1 2 Buckle my Shoes no glaze no cap gooning meta bababoeey bussin (Skipeter)
• ADAGE - Brrrr I have a skibidi gyatt in Ohio - Get out of my head GET OUT OF MY HEAD (Skipeter)
• beaner - i hate this stupid fucking toilet. if it was torn apart, bit by bit, on an alien planet, never to be seen again, i would cry with happiness. (Skipeter)
• G - Has it invaded this forum somehow?? It must be put down by any means necessary. (Skipeter)
• White_Tiger - i'm going to be completely honest. skipeter has grown on me. in fact, he's not even the worst on the team. unfortunately, you lack the charm (or, as some people might say, rizz) of the Real Griffin (Skipeter)

Skipeter: But I’m the GOAT with all the Reddit Gold! I’m the sussy baka imposKIBIDI TOILET Fortnite Battle Royal Champion who’s GYATT that unspoken rizz!

red: shut up. just shut up.

Skipeter: Chat, do you really think you can portray me as the Soy Wojak when I come from your own minds? Do you really think that your brainrot can take more of an L than you? I take other forms. I am your brainrot. You hate me because I represent the change you fear.

red: no i hate you because you’re an annoying prick

purple: timecube you go!

the toilet is thrown into the Time Cube

SKIPETER TOILET HAS LOST THE GAME

purple: anyway, as much as i’m sure the readers would love to see nothing happening in the timecube, this challenge is one i think will be pretty fun.

everyone is at the pizza place car park

Rudolf: Get to the point.

purple: you’re filming a movie!

Tamatoa: I was born to steal the scene. Are you sure this isn’t rigged?

purple: worst movie gets put up for elimination! here’s a broken down recording studio!

they are all teleported to a terrible recording studio

purple: vigi, you wanna stay and see the process from here?

vigi: no.

purple: cool. just wanted to make sure you had lines.

vigi: right.

purple: you… ok?

vigi: what do you think?

purple: good answer.

ogfr

Rudolf: We should start by thinking of a script.

Charlie: why? just improv.

Rudolf: But we need a general idea of what we would do when improvizing. What is the genre? What’s the original prompt? Editing? Are we going to edit this and see what we need to remove, at the risk of losing more time, or are we going to allow unedited footage of Ronald Reagan, of all people? It’s also clear that we need to delegate priority in roles, given that we have Reagan, but then who would be the leading actors? Who’s writing? Musical score? There is an entire process we need to go through. Think of it in terms of making a Youtube skit, if nothing else. 

Charlie: cool. let’s start by banning

Reagan: YOU WILL NEVER SILENCE AMERICA!

Charlie immediately throws a fireball at Reagan, incinerating him

Charlie: you were saying?

red: YOU CAN DO THAT?!

Charlie: what? i’m literally a chili, did you think i wouldn’t bring the heat?

red: we’re going to have to change the plot.

Rudolf: We don’t have a plot yet.

Doofenshmirtz: How about the story of an EVIL scientist who FINALLY defeats his nemesis?

Rudolf: Who is his nemesis?

Doofenshmirtz: See, this is where we take creative liberties! Mine, personally, is a platypus with a fedora, but we can change it up!

Charlie: how about a romcom instead?

red: NO.

Charlie: how about a music video where we make fun of reagan being dead?

red: that works

Knight: moves in a reverse L shape to demonstrate that this is the reverse of an L

Doofenshmirtz: That works too!

Rudolf: What?

red: i think that’s everyone who is capable of voting.

Rudolf: That is a terrible idea.

Charlie: ‘thAT Is a tERRiBlE iDEa’ hear that nerd voice? yeah, that’s you. that’s what you sound like, you nerd. 

Rudolf: I have carried out 256 successful assassinations out of 257 attempts.

Charlie: you cannot get that number without being at least slightly a nerd.

Rudolf: Sure. I’m a nerd. Can we start filming the video now?

the what

stay puft: interesting word positioning there.

Miku: So, what are we

Springtrap: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, I have an idea.

stay puft: that’s… probably what she was about to ask.

Springtrap: OK, but listen, yeah. So, there’s this cool fellow called Springclap, right? And, like, Springclap is just walking when he sees some girl, let’s call her Crapsune Miku, and kills her in a fit of rage. It’s up to Officer staple the marshamallow man to stop him from taking more victims, but eventually he fails as Springclap kills Tamatoe, DODMA and Minus Prine, before finally taking the life of staple, each death more brutal than the last. Also, all method acting.

stay puft: no.

Springtrap: Why not?

stay puft: just… no. any better ideas?

Tamatoa: A documentary about Sweden.

stay puft: sweden isn’t real. any other suggestions?

Tamatoa: Wh

DOGMA: EVERYONE WHO REJECTS THE KINGDOM OF GOD FACES THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR OWN FOOLISHNESS AND DENIAL!

stay puft: out of all the people that weird space bean could’ve chosen, why Christian fundamentalism?

DOGMA: ARE YOU AN ENEMY OF CHRIST, OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR?

stay puft: i mean, right now? you are too. he’s on a seperate team, and i saw your argument in the flood thing.

Minos Prime: Thy scripts are WORTHLESS! I shall offer my own ideas! 

stay puft: it better not be a romcom.

Minos Prime: As the King of Lust, I must disregard thy rejection! This alliance should create a romantic comedy!

stay puft: there’s not anyone who would fit that role. at all.

Miku: I vote romcom!

stay puft: why?!

Springtrap: I can be the person who goes and kills the children in the romcom!

stay puft: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Minos Prime: Man of marshmallow, will thy be my love interest?

stay puft: you want… me?

Minos Prime: Yes.

stay puft: oddly flattering. hell yeah. let’s romcom this shit. NO MURDERING CO STARS.

Springtrap: Awwwww, you’re no fun.

uwu

Alex: Documentary about Sweden?

Greg: Document’ry aboot Sweden.

Ralph: Sure, documentary about Sweden.

Omori: …

Chicken: experiences the only line it’s getting this challenge

8: I must ask, why Sweden?

Alex: I mean, everyone knows Sweden’s fake, right? So creative liberties won’t have to be taken for a country that doesn’t exist!

Ralph: Are you calling Sweden fake?

Greg: Isn’t yer developarr Swedish?

Alex: Nope, because Sweden is completely and utterly not real!

Ralph: How did you come to this conclusion? What do you have against SWEDEN, of all countries?? 

Alex: Nothing! It would be a great country! If it was real.

Ralph: I just- has the piracy melted your brain?

Greg: Where were th’ link to piracy there, ye sanctimonious swine.

Ralph: SHUT UP, PIRATE!

Greg: Get bettarr insults. Ye soun’ like an annoyin’ 10 hour loop.

Omori pulls out a script out of nowhere

Ralph: Where did you get that from? What does that say? 

Ralph reads the script

Ralph: HOW THE HELL IS THIS SWEDEN?! THAT’S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING SWEDEN DOES, YOU BUMBLING FOOL!

Alex reads the script

Alex: This would be really engaging if I was literate!

Greg: Me concern has grown.

sug

Akechi: We should establish an acting order for a script we need to establish as well. I’m not really the best at acting

Matt: Pancakes.

Akechi: Mention that food again and I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR FUCKING SPINE. I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH, HANG, DRAW AND QUARTER YOU IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR PRECIOUS FRIENDS AND WATCH THEM SUFFER TOO! AND IT’LL BE EASY, YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT!

Matt: So we’ve established that you can act.

Akechi: …curses.

Matt: What? Afraid of sullying your image when everyone’s established that you did it plenty when you were calling your nemesis hot when angry?

Akechi: HOW DID YOU KNOW ABO- I mean, please stop with these baseless accusations already. They won’t help us here.

Matt: Anyway, I think we just make this a film.

Akechi: …about?

Matt: Me. Jesus can be Side Hoe #2.

Jesus: Who’s the first? Also, I’m literally God.

Matt: It’s called acting, like how I’m acting like a narcissist in this movie.

Akechi: Won’t be much acting involved…

Matt: You know what they say. Stick to what you know. Akechi, you can be the main antagonist. You’re a police officer, after all, so it feels fitting that we call out the real issues in society. Crow, you can be another detective and the true main antagonist, who happens to be selling out information to the drug gang led by Syphilis in order to 

Syphilis: DR-DR-DR-DRUG G-G-G-G-GANG???

Matt: And sans undertale can be the cameo who makes everyone lose their minds. I’ve changed my mind, I’m a deuteragonist. Because then, it won’t be weird to have the enemies to lovers romance as Akechi, a somewhat reasonable human being, ultimately ends up going through a character arc, unlike the Crow, who only gets worse.

Akechi: ENEMIES TO LOVERS?!

Matt: Don’t worry. I outsourced.

Joker from Persona 5 walks in

Joker: Bet you didn’t see it coming.

Akechi: …

Joker: It really was your Last Surprise.

Akechi: …

Joker: But hey, I get it. You’re not alone in these feelings. Coming here took a lot of… W I L L   P O W E R .

Akechi: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDI

ppbbww

supply: RIGHT.

Morbius: I’ve made a movie before! I can do this! I can finally show off just how well I can morb!

supply: Well, if you’re so confident, why don’t you tell us how this goes?

Morbius: We’re actually going to change it up and make a music video. A very good music video. Here’s the lyrics, which I will sing.

they all read the script

dislike: this is the single worst song i have ever seen. not even baby shark was this bad. let’s do this.

supply: You literally just

Morbius: Get out your kazoo.

dislike: i can do the 4 different versions of the amen break overlapping

Dude: Background singer.

g: g

Blahaj: holding kazoo in mouth

Morbius: Let’s start recording.

ogfr

Charlie: so we got the corpse in position?

red: yep

Charlie: good.

the corpse of Ronald Reagan suddenly stands up

Rudolf: What.

Reagan?: What’s wrong, Rudy?

Rudolf: Never call me that.

Reagan?: I will call you what I want. I have a reality altering 3DS to steal. I do not need you holding me back.

Charlie: we literally just killed you, reagan, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE?!

Reagan?: This is a clone I created in order to further my plans to control the world. I am speaking through the Ronald Reagan Clone, but I’m someone different. I am Joey Steel, and I have reality to take control of.

Rudolf: You. 

Joey: Exactly. Now, are you going to stand in my way?

red: i have to find out what ‘magahd’ is, and i’m not going to let a fake reagan stop me, thank you very much. 

dislike: anyone know any good amen break samples?

Joey: Where the hell did you come from?

dislike: could’ve at least responded.

the youtube dislike button leaves

Charlie: …ignoring that, I’ve always wanted to assassinate a president.

Joey: No.

the Reagan Clone teleports away

Rudolf: …

the what

Miku: Finally, scree

Springtrap: Hold on, I need to confirm that I’m a major character now. 

Miku: I have had

Springtrap: That’s enough lines from you.

stay puft: shut up, springtrap, you piece of shit child murderer.

Springtrap: Can’t do anything these days without the woke mob saying ‘STOP KILLING CHILDREN’. Honestly.

Minos Prime: Creature of steel, thy crimes are too extensive for redemption!

stay puft: now next is the… what the hell is this?

Tamatoa: What’s the problem?

stay puft: the paper is all weird. it’s some weird poem.

Tamatoa: Good poetry, right?

Tamatoa looks at the paper

Tamatoa: That’s some pretty goo

Tamatoa is alone

weird voice: ⍦⌾⌰☈ ⎎⌰⌦⍓⟟⎎⎎⟟⌾☊ ⟟⎎ ⟟☊ℇ⍻⟟⍑⍲⌦⎾ℇ. ⍑ℍℇ☈ℇ ⟟⎎ ☊⌾ ℇ⎎⍧⍲⍴ℇ 🜅☈⌾⍓ ⌦⍲⍦⍲⅁⌾⍑⌾⍑ℍ. ⏎⌾⟟☊ ⌰⎎ ⍲☊⟄ ⏙ℇ ⏙⟟⎾⎾ ⎎⍴⍲☈ℇ ⍦⌾⌰ 🜅☈⌾⍓ ⍧☈⌰ℇ⎾ 🜅⍲⍑ℇ.

Tamatoa: That’s… what? What are you talking about? Who is Bayagototh?

weird voice: ⌾⌰☈ ⎾⌾☈⟄. ⌾⌰☈ ⍲⎾⎾ ⎎ℇℇ⟟☊⅁, ⍲⎾⎾ ⍴⌰☊⟟⎎ℍ⟟☊⅁ ⎾⌾☈⟄. ⍦⌾⌰ ⍧⍲☊ ⎎⍲⍻ℇ ⍦⌾⌰☈⎎ℇ⎾🜅 🜅☈⌾⍓ ⍑ℍℇ⟟☈ ⏙☈⍲⍑ℍ ⟟🜅 ⍦⌾⌰ ⏎⌾⟟☊ ⌰⎎. ⌾⍑ℍℇ☈⏙⟟⎎ℇ, ⍑ℍℇ ☈⌾⍲⟄ ⏙⟟⎾⎾ ⌦ℇ ⍴⍲⟟☊🜅⌰⎾.

Tamatoa: How? How do I ‘join you’?

weird voice: ⏙ℇ ℍ⍲⍻ℇ ⍲ ⟄ℇ⍻⌾⍑ℇ⟄ 🜅⌾⎾⎾⌾⏙ℇ☈ ⏙ℍ⌾ ⏙⟟⎾⎾ ⍧⌾☊⍑⍲⍧⍑ ⍦⌾⌰ ⟟🜅 ⍦⌾⌰ ⍲⎎⏧. ⎾⌾⌾⏧ 🜅⌾☈ ⍑ℍℇ ⟄ℇℇ☈ ⎾⌾☈⟄. ℍℇ ⎎ℍ⍲⎾⎾ ℍℇ⎾⍴ ⍦⌾⌰.

Tamatoa: Do I… where is everyone?

weird voice: ⏙⟟⎾⎾ ⍦⌾⌰ ⏎⌾⟟☊ ⌰⎎ ⏙⟟⎾⎾⟟☊⅁⎾⍦, ⌾☈ ⏙⟟⎾⎾ ⏙ℇ ℍ⍲⍻ℇ ⍑⌾ 🜅⌾☈⍧ℇ ⍦⌾⌰ ⍑⌾ ⎎⌰⌦⍓⟟⍑?

Tamatoa: …OK. Sure. As long as I get to stay SHINY.

weird voice: ⍑ℍ⍲☊⏧ ⍦⌾⌰ ⍲☊⟄ ⅁⌾⌾⟄⌦⍦ℇ 🜅⌾☈ ☊⌾⏙.

Tamatoa: But wait, you still haven’t

stay puft: haven’t what? you good there? you kind of zoned out.

Tamatoa: Where did you go?

stay puft: we didn’t… go anywhere? what?

Tamatoa: Never mind, is it my line in the movie already?

stay puft: no. it’s just that you accidentally crushed hatsune miku.

Miku: All of my bones are broken and I’m bleeding out Internally.

Tamatoa: Oooooohhhhh, that’s… probably not good. 

Minos Prime: This will conflict with our intentions for this performance.

stay puft: …please don’t tell me we’re doing the bunny’s script.

Springtrap: WE’RE DOING MY SCRIPT, BABY!

Minos Prime: No.

Springtrap: Drat.

stay puft: did you seriously just… never mind. i have some suggestions for amendments.

DOGMA: BUT DO YOU ACCEPT GOD INTO YOUR HEART, OR WILL YOU BURN IN HELL WHERE YOU BELONG?!

stay puft: what a coincidence! you’re part of it.

uwu

Ralph: HEY, DEER!

8: Yes?

Ralph: DO SOMETHING!

8: Why?

Ralph: YOU’RE MEANT TO BE NARRATING THIS PART!

8: I assure you, I will not need to do that for our victory to be certain.
Alex: Do you have an ace in the hole?

8: I do.

Greg: What, can ye caus’ visu’l an auditory hallucinati’ns or som’thin?

8: Your reality is mine to control.

Alex: You can cause HALLUCINATIONS?!

8: For lack of a better word.

Alex: THAT’S SO COOL! 

Omori: …

Ralph: Now we are certain we can easily skip this challenge, I can focus on stopping the spread of the plague. The plague that is DIGITAL MEDIA THEFT.

Greg: Woud ye like to fight, ye ov’rgr’wn rat feed?

Ralph: OH, JUST YOU WAIT, YOU THIEVING IMMORAL CRIMINAL SCUMBAG!

Omori: …

Alex: Oooooooooooo, this looks like it’ll be interesting!

the Reagan Clone appears

Joey: Where’s Purple?

purple: it’s still a lowercase p, why does everyone… anyway, what can i do for you?

Joey: Give me your 3DS.

purple: no?? that’s, like, the whole point of the show?? that the 3ds is the prize?? i’m not just, you know, going to give it to a contestant randomly?? 

Joey: In the words of Reagan, I’m about to go America on your ass if you don’t give me that 3DS, you little shit.

vigi: i’ll deal with this.

purple: you sure?

vigi: why not?

vigi immediately pulls out her arm cannon and shoots a grenade at the Reagan Clone

Joey: …well, sh

the grenade explodes, killing the Reagan Clone. again.

vigi: there you go.

purple: nice. sorry about that.

8: Who… was that?

purple: idk

8: When will the challenge be ending?

purple: when i get bored

8: Which will be?

purple: when you stop being entertaining. bye!

purple and vigi disappear

8: …intriguing.

Alex: Yo, Deer Lord! Stop making creepy remarks to yourself, we’re gonna play a game of Uno!

8: I shall join.

Alex: Cool!

sug

sans: what’s my lines again?

Matt: This is the only scene where you appear, are you braindead or something?

sans: there’s no brain in here to be dead.

Matt: Shut up and say the line I know you know. You’ll like it. It’s a skeleton pun.

sans: “hey i’m sans undertale like the megalovania guy want to buy some weed?”

Matt: Perfect.

sans: where’s the pun?

Matt: Sadly, we had to cut the script down. You could say there was too much… meat on the bones.

sans: damn that’s a good one

Akechi: No it isn’t, it never will be, this script is bad, everything about this is bad, can we skip to the scene where I kill Joker?

Matt: And miss the chance to include the famous ‘police station burns down’ scene?

Joker: I wish.

Akechi: THIS IS JUST LABELLED ‘WISH FULFILLMENT FANTASY’.

Matt: They say the best fictional characters do things you want to do but never would.

Akechi: WHY DO YOU HATE THE POL- actually, don’t answer that.

Matt: Let’s film this shit like we’ve never filmed before.

Jesus: I haven’t filmed before.

Matt: Me neither, but that just makes the statement more accurate.

Akechi: What logic are you operating on? 

Syphilis: W-w-w-w-we a-a-a-a-aren’t m-m-m-m-method a-a-acting, a-a-a-are w-w-w-w-we?

Matt: ⎎⍦⍴ℍ⟟⎾⟟⎎.

Syphilis: W-w-w-w-why d-d-did y-y-y-y-your v-v-voice j-j-just ch-ch-change?

Matt: That… literally didn’t happen?

Syphilis: N-n-n-n-never m-m-mind.

Matt: Anyway, I would say it is your part, but it’s not. You’re not in this scene.

Syphilis: O-o-o-o-oh.

Matt: So leave.

Crow: Say, fellow outsourced co actor, it would be beneficial for us to get to know each other. For instance, what is your favourite piece of media?

Joker: Probably, uh, Persona 5.

Crow: PERSONA 5 is the answer I would have expected. As we know, the reach of PERSONA 5 has been long and wide. I’ll just write your answer down here…

ppbbww

Morbius: No spoilers. Just kazoos.

ogfr

Doofenshmirtz: If you need a change of plans, then BEHOLD! THE MOVIE MAKING INATOR!

Charlie: does it make movies?

Doofenshmirtz: That or it’s the waffle firing inator, I get mixed up with so many inators around.

Charlie: …helpful. you know what?

Charlie pulls out a copy of The Velocipastor

Charlie: I edited this so my face is on one of the ninjas, think we can get away with that?

red: why not?

purple: so you’re ready then?

red: STOP FUCKING DOING THAT

Charlie: evidently.

Doofenshmirtz: With that stealth, even I couldn’t trap you!

purple: i’ll mark you as done

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: done

purple: next is the what, right?

purple teleports

stay puft: we’re only missing the last 30 minutes, we should be fine.

purple: if you say so

Springtrap: WHAT THE

stay puft: SWEET MOTHER OF ME

Miku: Woah, amogus!

Tamatoa: Why did you-

purple: so, you guys are done?

stay puft: close enough to it.

purple: b

the what: done

uwu

8: I can control your vision, how am I losing to a 12 year old?

Omori: shrugs

Alex: Omori, you’ve won all 5 games. That’s more impressive than just shrugging!

8: Greetings, purple.

purple: how did you- anyway, you done?

8: Yes.

purple: you have no movie here tho

8: We will be victorious.

purple: welp, your choice

uwu: done

sug

Akechi: Is it finally done?

Matt: Yes.

purple: oh cool

Matt: WILL YOU STOP COMING OUT OF NOWHERE?!

Joker: Oh no, someone who no one saw coming. Even I didn’t see you coming. You’ve beaten me. 

purple: please you’re not even on the contestant list

Joker: …could I b

purple: p

Joker: What does that even

vigi suddenly shoots Joker from Persona 5 to death

vigi: he’s gone.

purple: …i was just going to send him home.

vigi: don’t ask.

purple: is there, like, some histo

vigi: don’t ask .

purple: fair enough. anyway, are you done?

Matt: Yes.

purple: b

sans undertale gaming: done

Morbius: We’re done too, before you come at us.

purple: cool

poo poo bum bum wee wee: done

purple: let’s all go to the cinema!

the recording studio breaks down into a cinema

Akechi: This feels needlessly destructive.

purple: is that really where you’re drawing the line?

Akechi: I… shut up.

purple: anyway, i’m not judging these because that’s these four people here.

vigi: i’m here, i guess.

Joker: You never saw it coming, be honest.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO

Gex: Note to self: Don’t drink tap water at Jerry Garcia’s house.

8: This is manageable.

purple: starting with Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz!

Gex: That’s a terrible name, almost as bad as Konami’s business practices.

yellow: what’s a ‘konami’?

purple: goose, play the thing!

Goose: HONK!

it is just the Velocipastor trailer but the face of one of the ninjas is replaced with Charlie the Chili

Charlie: shit, it was just the trailer? I missed an opportunity there.

vigi: what’s the ranking scale?

purple: out of 13

vigi: why… 13?

purple: are you questioning the validity of a ranking scale for one specific movie based challenge of the game show that had skipeter toilet?

vigi: good point. 3/13.

Joker: 4/13, there were no chainsaws.

vigi: why… would there be?

Joker: You don’t get it.

vigi: …ok?

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO

purple: that’s 7 of those, so i guess a 7?

Gex: Well, I give it a 6/13. It could’ve been great, but it’s more mediocre than the catalog of James Corden.

ogfr: 20/52

red: that’s disappointing

purple: next is the what!

the what movie begins

me when thy end is near

by the what

staple: oh, woe is me for no one likes me and there is a blue haired person screaming outside my house in such an irritating way!

Crapsune Miku: SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I AM IN OVERWHELMING AGONY

staple: but who could i find who would ever like me?

Minus Prine: JUDGEMENT!

staple: oh my goodness, a man? but i have a demon in my head telling me that this is wrong!

DOGMA: EVERY KIND OF SIN AND SLANDER CAN BE FORGIVEN BUT BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE SPIRIT WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN!

Minus Prine: THY END IS NOW!

Minus Prine kicks DOGMA out of the window

DOGMA: YOU WILL NOT REACH THE KINGDOM OF G-

Minus Prine: And now, the wretched embodiment of evil is gone.

Springclap: Jokes on you, I’m still here.

Tamatoe: SPRINGCLAP, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR NOT BEING SO SHINY (and also murdering Crapsune Miku but we don’t care about that bit)

staple: and a happy ending!

THE END

vigi: …………what.

Joker: I mean, it was definitely interesting.

vigi: no, seriously. what.

Gex: This is worse than eating bagels at Adam Driver’s house.

vigi: 1/13.

Joker: 12/13. 

vigi: why.

Joker: I simp for Hatsune Miku.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

purple: like the name, that’s a 9. probably.

Gex: 5/13.

the what: 27/52

vigi: how did they get a higher score when they were ten times worse?

Joker: Hatsune Miku.

Doofenshmirtz: This feels like targeted bullying. 

purple: next is uwu!

…………

purple: this is interestingly lacking in any sense of having a movie.

vigi: literal 0/10.

Joker: I’m going to 

⎎⌰⌦⍓⟟⍑.

Joker: 13/13.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

purple: a 13 from specimen 9. i’m guessing because of the whole, you know, specimen solidarity?

Gex: This is clearly

𝟙𝟛 ⌾⌰⍑ ⌾🜅 𝟙𝟛 ⌾☈ ⟟ ⏙⟟⎾⎾ 🜅ℇℇ⟄ ⍦⌾⌰ ⍑⌾ ⍓⍦ ⍧ℍ⟟⎾⟄☈ℇ☊.

Gex: 13/13.

uwu: 39/52

vigi: how?

purple: idk. next is sans undertale gaming!

AGE OF THE SPORTSMAN

sponsored by sans undertale gaming

Matthew: I believe I do sports, and am also the best. Am I right, Side Hoe #2?

Side Hoe #2: The script seems to say so.

The Detective Prince enters the room.

Detective Prince: Matthew, you are under arrest for suspicion of something I got told by my

Joker: 420/13.

vigi: it wasn’t even close to being

Joker: Akechi was in it. 420/13.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

vigi: we’re not fucking ranking it yet

Gex: Interesting setup, I’d say a 8/13 for being better than Jerry Seinfeld.

vigi: we literally didn’t even finish.

sans undertale gaming: 435/52

vigi: why. why.

purple: and last, poo poo bum bum wee wee!

Love Ballad

by poo poo bum bum wee wee

the supply teacher and blahaj start playing kazoos

g: g-g-g-g-ggg-g-g-g-gggg-g-g-g-gggg-g-g-g-g-gggg

Morbius: MINIONS

I LIKE MINIONS 

I WANNA FUCK THE MINIONS

I WANT THAT SWEET SWEET MINIONUSSY IN MY

Joker: 13/13.

Gex: 13/13.

vigi: 13/13.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

purple: full score!

poo poo bum bum wee wee: 52/52

purple: so Ohio Gyatt For- hold on.

the Ronald Reagan Clone reappears

Reagan: DK<JHWMDNILKWJDHNDWKH AMERICA DMBSHWNBDJH FREEDOM JHD<MBWNKHDJWBUD  WHO KILLED ME AND TOOK OVER MY BODY?!

Rudolf: I have some questions to ask you.

purple: Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz has lost the challenge!

OHIO GYATT FORTNITE RIZZ HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

purple: you know the drill.

red: kill yourself. wait, no, not you, viewer, unless you try to vote me out then kill yourself.

Reagan: If you vote me out, YOU’RE AN ENEMY TO FREEDOM!

Charlie: did the chesspiece even get lines?

Knight: moves in an L shape

Charlie: well, now, it did, yes. anyway, I think you should vote off reagan because it would be really funny.

Reagan: NO!

Rudolf: Reagan, we need to talk because you know something and I know it.

Doofenshmirtz: My parents didn’t even show up to my own birth, please don’t abandon me now!

purple: voting link below and see you next challenge!

form over sorry :(

Joker: Wait, what are we doing now?

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

Gex: The Mii Gunner also disappeared, and yet no one cares. She’s almost as pathetic as 

a crystal suddenly appears, carrying a pink orb with angel wings and a mask

Gex: whatever that is! Wait, not an outdated celebrity. I need to get

the crystal breaks

Galacta Knight: …

Joker: Whoever you are? SHOW ME YOUR TRUE FORM!

Galacta Knight kills all three of them with one slash before flying away

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chicken (through Egg Dragoon text-to-speech feature): I   A M   N O   L O N G E R   T H E   C H I C K E N . I   A M   N O W   T H E   G O A T .

Akechi: So now, since we have an objective text to speech, I must now ask. How is ‘GIF’ pronounced?

supply: Why did you say it with a hard g at the start? It’s pronounced with a ‘juh’ sound.

Akechi: No, it is not. You are incorrect.

supply: The creator agrees. It’s pronounced ‘jif’, like the peanut butter.

Akechi: It’s ‘Graphics Interchange Format’. Starts with a ‘guh’ sound. You are factually incorrect.

supply: I thought you were meant to be educated, and yet you use the same logic that would have us saying ‘lah ser’ or ‘scuh ba’. The ‘p’ in JPEG stands for ‘photographic’, but you don’t say ‘JPheg’, do you?

Akechi: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP. YOUR LOGIC IS FLAWED. THE RULES OF ENGLISH DO NOT- WHY AM I SPEAKING ENGLISH WHEN I’M JAPANESE?!

supply: Didn’t you say you were a detective? Not only that, an extremely famous detective?

Chicken: B A W K

meanwhile

Dude: Hey, Springtrap, was it?

Springtrap: In what’s left of my flesh.

Dude: You murder children, right?

Springtrap: Yep.

the Postal Dude then proceeds to piss on Springtrap

Springtrap: YOU ASSHOLE, THAT METAL’S GOING TO RUST NOW.

Dude: What you deserve.

Springtrap: What, as if you don’t- ow, dammit- as if you don’t kill people too?

Dude: Not children, though. I’m not a big believer in God, but I hope he exists just so you can go to Hell.

Springtrap: Maybe my targets were younger, but are you really much better? Probably, but who really cares? Not me, that’s for sure. 

DOGMA: BUT IF WE WANT IN THE LIGHT AS HE IS IN THE LIGHT

Matt: Hey, DOGMA. Got a drink for you.

Springtrap: Yeah, sure, reward the weird annoying static tendril thing.

DOGMA takes the drink just as it, Springtrap and all the other members of the what are taken to the skeld, along with Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz

purple: and it’s elimination time! woooooooooooooooo!

red: we’re not up for elimination, though. why are we here?

purple: the advantages you are receiving from last challenge. here they are, as recommended by the voters:

• shoop - the power to make references to other CECU shows
• beaner - ummmm a weapon of Friendship^™
• Eight. - 10000 kilobytes of pornography.
• ADAGE - Frying pan
• Masive girthy cock - Extra thick gyattt
• FacTorial - Mute Button - They can mute anyone of their choice (can be one-time use or infinite use (whichever's funniest))
• White_Tiger - a chess board. there are no ulterior motives behind this
• G - Either, Giving Red their knife back or letting Knight move in all possible chess directions.

Charlie: other CECU shows? what’s a CECU? what is

Charlie suddenly stops, before turning to the audience

Charlie: I have been granted awareness. I have broken the fourth wall. I am now META. yeah, that’s right, I’m aware of that one tag saying ‘Character Elimination Cinematic Universe’. this is like that time that Flavio did literally anything in CDCAT.

red: the fuck is a ‘cdcat’?

purple: here’s a knife btw

purple throws red a knife, which impales them

purp: whoops.

vigi: here’s that mute button.

vigi tosses them a mute button

vigi: one time use.

Goose: HONK

Rudolf: Out of interest, does the ‘extra thick gyatt’ count as part of the 10000 kilobytes of pornography?

vigi: sure. why not. check your shared computer in your pizza place later.

Rudolf: The one which was destroyed?

vigi: …wait, has everyone been using just one collective pizza place?

purple: apparently

vigi: how do you even fit everyone in there?

purple: it’s a fairly sizeable pizza place. next is a frying pan!

a frying pan lands on stay puft’s head, knocking him out instantly

purple: hey, not yours.

Rudolf: I’ll take it.

Rudolf grabs and stashes away the frying pan

Charlie: what’s the weapon of FriendshipTM?

purple: idk so you’re getting a cannon with the word ‘friendshiptm’ painted over it

they get a cannon with the word ‘friendship tm ’ painted over it

Charlie: that works.

the knight notes the chess board and starts spinning in anticipation

purple: in terms of chess boards, we have one!

a chess board is thrown at red’s corpse

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, chess. One of the only things to have not let me down over the years. 

purple: speaking of letting people down, it’s time to let one of the audience members down by revealing that their favourite did not win a prize! stay puft, minos prime and dogma got no prize votes.

stay puft: is still unconcious

Minos Prime: Drat.

DOGMA: SINNERS.

purple: tamatoa got 1 vote.

Tamatoa: Honestly, more than I was expecting. People don’t like crabs that are SHINIER than them, and you know I fit the bill.

stay puft wakes up

stay puft: i was woken up by the sound of a LITERAL CHILD KILLER being more well liked than me. please at least tell me springtrap lost, right?

purple: miku got 4 votes while springtrap got 3. thanks for breaking the tie, G!

Springtrap: Damn, that’s more than I was expecting.

Miku: I won! Thank you to my adoring fans!

Joker: No problem.

…

vigi shoots Joker from Persona 5 to death again

vigi: how did he even… never mind.

Miku: What do I get for my prize?

Miku is tossed 200ccs of methamphetamine

Miku: Oh my god. Oh my god.

purple: did i hear someone say voting reasons? probably someone at some point, so here you go:

• shoop - her new song was dope (Miku)
• beaner - im thinking miku (Miku)
• Eight. - he is the kiddie strangler, bitches. (Springtrap)
• ADAGE - He ate his grandma (Tamatoa)
• Masive girthy cock - Haur haur haur haur haur (I like fnaf) (Springtrap)
• FacTorial - It's Miku. Nuff said. (Miku)
• White_Tiger - calling it now, he's gonna make at least final 4. if he doesn't i'll look really stupid (Springtrap)
• G - Armored Core VI Fires of Rubicon (Miku)

stay puft: seriously? people actually like the fucking CHILD KILLER more than ME, STAY FUCKING PUFT?!

Springtrap: Skill issue.

DOGMA: NEITHER OF YOU DESERVE HEAVEN. NEITHER OF YOU WILL SEE GOD IN YOUR LIVES UNLESS YOU REPENT. NONE OF YOU WILL. REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!

DOGMA takes a drink and then suddenly… stops

stay puft: …it’s not moving or anything. what the fuck was in that drink? even the static is still. like a picture or something.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh no. Please don’t be what I think it is.

stay puft: how would you know?

Doofenshmirtz: I’m a scientist. There’s a possibility that I really hope is not happening right now, because none of us have any plot armour or anything! Unlike Perry the Platypus, we’re sitting ducks!

purple: ignoring that, the votes! i’m just gonna skip to it, dogma is out with 6 votes. minos prime and tamatoa got one vote each. there’s pretty much no way to drag out suspense with either of them.

stay puft: i’m glad to see it go, don’t get me wrong, BUT HOW DID SPRINGTRAP NOT GET ANY VOTES?! WHAT APPEALS TO YOU PEOPLE ABOUT HIM?!

purple: here’s voting reasons:

• shoop - Christian fundamentalism??? ewww!!! except Jesus, you're cool (DOGMA)
• beaner - dogma, i hope you see this. i want you to know that you are the most snivelling, pathetic character i have ever had the misfortune of learning about. you are not funny, you are not cool, and most of all, you are not poggers. be banished into the depths of hell forevermore, you worthless, warty little toad. (DOGMA)
• Eight. - menos. (Minos)
• ADAGE - False prophets are bad I’m pretty sure (DOGMA)
• Masive girthy cock - Needs a chill pill (DOGMA)
• FacTorial - *picks up Rock Bottom + Polyphemus + Soy Milk + Lump of Coal + Brimstone + Pop! + C-Section + The Parasite + Godhead + Sacred Heart + Continuum + Cricket's Body * Think fast, chucklenuts! (I am in so much pain.) *holds the shoot button* (DOGMA)
• White_Tiger - i think dogma's cool. dogma balls lmao (Tamatoa)
• G - "P-please, Gabriel, see reason! The council follows the will of The Father! You seek to go against our creato-" "Face it, brother. God is dead. The fire is gone. You're chasing Phantoms." (DOGMA)

Minos Prime: O, Gabriel? 

Charlie: i mean, v1 was in TEEGS and ROBOT, so maybe we’ll get gabriel at some point. who knows?

stay puft: what are you even talking about?

purple: anyway, dogma, time to go into the

DOGMA is gone somehow

purple: …huh.

everyone is teleported to the pizza place

purple: i haven’t yet thought of a challenge, so you’re free for today.

a voice: FREE TO DO WHAT? SIN? REJECT THE LORD? COMMIT ACTS OF HERESY AND BLASPHEMY LIKE THE BARBARIANS YOU ARE?

purple: oh, there it… is? where is dogma? that was its voice.

DOGMA: I AM AROUND YOU ALL. I HAVE JOINED THE LORD TO ENACT HIS DIVINE JUDGEMENT UPON YOU ALL! AND NOW, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT EVEN A SIMPLE MESSENGER CAN DO WHEN ON THE SIDE OF HEAVEN!

static tentacles start emerging from the ground

purple: on second thought, new challenge. whoever kills dogma decides which team is next out and gets an advantage. good luck! vigi, wanna go play blooket?

vigi: i’m going to slaughter you.

purple and vigi leave while the contestants prepare to square up against DOGMA

VS DOGMA

Living In The Light plays

Jesus is immediately targeted and impaled by a static tendril

Jesus: That’s just petty.

Jesus dies

DOGMA rises from the static only to get ambushed by Minos Prime

Minos Prime: THY END IS NOW! CRUSH! DIE! JUDGEMENT! PREPARE TH

DOGMA finally blocks Minos Prime and fills him with static

Minos Prime(?): FOR THE LORD.

Charlie: round 2, motherfucker.

Charlie tries and fails to engage the possessed Minos, who simply breaks all their limbs with ease

Charlie: OWIE

Goomba: Oh, you wanna play?

Morbius: It’s time to morb like never before.

Chicken: I   H A V E   A   G I A N T   M E C

DOGMA appears inside the Egg Dragoon and tears it apart from the inside with static tentacles

DOGMA: THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. I SHALL NOT WANT.

DOGMA attacks and kills Morbius with projectiles

DOGMA: HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES; HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL WATERS.

Goomba: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUT SHUT UP.

Goomba headbutts DOGMA only to be hit with a static bullet

DOGMA: HE RESTORETH MY SOUL; HE LEADETH ME IN THE PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS FOR HIS NAME’S SAKE.

Akechi: If you’re going to kill us, could you at least not spout Bible quotes while you do it?

the Chicken, having somehow survived, tries to peck DOGMA only to be hit with a car

Akechi: …where did that even

sans jumps out of the car

sans: no more lazy bones. this thing destroyed the ketchup store.

Akechi: WHY IS THERE A KETCHUP STO

Akechi is shot by DOGMA, paralyzing him

DOGMA: YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL; FOR THOU ART WITH ME; THY ROD AND THY STAFF COMFORT ME.

Greg: Din’t this come from a child’s mind?

Springtrap: I think everyone can agree we should kill that child.

Greg blocks a static bullet with his cutlass

Ralph: IN THE NAME OF ANTI PIRACY, I SHALL STRIKE THE STATIC DOWN!

Ralph does not strike DOGMA down but is instead filled with a barrage of feathers

DOGMA: YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE DELUDED IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DEFEAT AN AGENT OF HEAVEN.

Akechi: Can someone please kill this thing already?

DOGMA: SUCH EXCLAMATIONS OF VIOLENCE FROM THE UNENLIGHTENED. AND YET YOU CANNOT EVEN SUCCEED IN YOUR AIMS. 

DOGMA destroys Akechi with a black hole like attack

Matt: This has been interesting, but your preaching is getting annoying.

Matt starts attacking DOGMA only to be intercepted

Matt: What.

DOGMA breaks Matt’s right arm

Matt: OW, FUCK, YOU BITCH.

g: g

DOGMA: …

DOGMA tries and fails to damage the letter g

DOGMA: YOU MUST HAVE MADE A PACT WITH THE DEVIL HIMSELF. BUT I AM STRONGER STILL!

Syphilis: PLEASE STOP!

DOGMA: HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO STOP WHEN I AM PUNISHING THE IGNORANT MASSES!

Syphilis: I-i-i-i-i-i-i’m s-s-s-s-s-sorry p-p-p-p-please d-d-d-d-don’t h-h-h-h-hurt m-m-m-m-me

Matt: Syphilis, I know that there’s a bunch of characters who haven’t gotten lines yet, but we don’t care about them. PARRY THE BULLET.

DOGMA shoots a static bullet at Syphilis, to which she manages to parry it
Syphilis: I did it? I DID IT! I DI

DOGMA parries the bullet back and kills her

Matt: Huh. Interesting.

Dude: Well, if you want to make an omelet, don’t and just kill people instead.

the Postal Dude hits DOGMA with a shovel, which somehow does more damage than literally anything else that has been done

Alex: Yo, I wanna do that!

Alex hits DOGMA with a diamond shovel which somehow does… less damage?

Alex: Awww.

Omori used HACK AWAY on DOGMA!

IT HIT RIGHT IN THE

NOPE NEVER MIND THERE IS NO HEART YOU JUST GOT CONSUMED BY THE STATIC

Omori is consumed by the static

OMORI does not succ- never mind, he blacked out.

8: I shall avenge my teammate.

Specimen 8 tries to attack DOGMA, but is unable to do anything

DOGMA: YOU CANNOT FOOL ME WITH FALSE VISIONS FOR I HAVE THE SIGHT TO SEE THROUGH YOUR FOG OF LIES!

the Blahaj crashes onto DOGMA

DOGMA finally… transforms into its second form

Doofenshmirtz: I feel as if giving this thing even more power when it could already turn into that was a bit of a foolish move.

Crow: I’m not entirely sure what you’re referring to, fellow contestant, but

the possessed Minos Prime kills the crow

Springtrap: Hey, Miku, you’re still alive, right?

Miku: NOT FOR MUCH LONGER GIVEN EVERYTHING!

Minos Prime(?): PREPARE THYSE

Minos Prime is crushed by the dead body of Tamatoa

Springtrap: Ignoring that, you got a prize, right?

stay puft: i lived, bitches.

DOGMA disproves stay puft in a matter of seconds

Rudolf: You’re fairly competent, DOGMA. 

DOGMA: I AM A SERVANT OF GO

Rudolf shoots DOGMA 5 times

Rudolf: I’m still going to kill you.

DOGMA: WHEN WILL YOU SURRENDER TO THE WILL OF GOD?! 

DOGMA fires at Rudolf, who dodges it but does not dodge the static tendril piercing through him

supply: I CAN’T DO ANYTHING AGAINST THIS I’M JUST A SUPPLY TEACH

DOGMA shoots the supply teacher

dislike: i’m still here

DOGMA fires and misses the dislike button

dislike: anyway here’s an umbrella

the dislike button pulls out the umbrella she got and then sticks a badge on it

DOGMA: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING, HARLOT?

dislike: rude. never played a hat in time, huh?

the music somehow stops

Matt: Why has the music stopped? What’s going on?

DOGMA: YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR DISRE

the dislike button shoots a massive laser from the umbrella, killing DOGMA completely

dislike: should’ve played a hat in time. we even have the crow from it, you know?

purple: congratulations to poo poo bum bum wee wee for coming out on top! but we need a loser, so who do you want to sentence?

Springtrap: You know, I was about to drug Miku and then you interrupted my epic showdown with your anti climax.

purple: oh yeah, need to send dogma to the time cube.

DOGMA HAS LOST THE GAME (and so have you now)

DOGMA is revived in the fetus form

DOGMA: YOU DARE DEFY THE WILL OF

DOGMA falls into the Time Cube

everyone else is revived

Jesus: Finally, the false prophet is gone.

Dude: Facing that thing was almost as irritating as getting poisoned.

red: oh, you got poisoned too?

Dude: Yeah. Probably by Jeffery.

Rudolf: No, it was Matt.

Matt: Yeah, it was me.

red: WHAT THE FUCK?! doesn’t that create a plot hole as to how you found bezos?

Rudolf: I have my methods. Also, please kill the Mii.

Matt: Why me? I just gave you a whole challenge.

Jesus: How? That was a boss fight against someone completely unrelated.

Doofenshmirtz: That static was given immense power. More than usual.

Matt: Yeah, I gave it adderall.

…

Dude: I put his team up for elimination.

dislike: i mean, would be funnier to do a completely unrelated t

Dude: HIS TEAM.

supply: Seconded.

Goomba: What do you mean ‘seconded’? You literally only need one person to say anything and then decisions are made for some reason.

purple: this is true. and yes, that means sans undertale gaming is up for elimination!

supply: It’s because Akechi pronounces ‘GIF’ wrong.

Akechi: FUCK YOU.

Crow: Ralph, as part of our arrangement, you will be replacing me in this team since I have not done much yet and I fear that may lead to my elimination.

Ralph: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

purple: i’m not changing the teams for that.

Ralph: Oh, thank anti piracy. 

purple: anyway…

SANS UNDERTALE GAMING HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

purple: welp, you know what to do now.

Syphilis: I’m on a team with a monster . I was shot. I died. I DIED. Oh, right, voting. Yeah.

Matt: And? Oh, by the way, if you vote me out then I will find you, and tennis won’t be the only thing I beat your ass at.

Crow: Please do not vote me out. It would not be appreciated. I still have so much left to accomplish for my organization.

Akechi: Vote Matt out. Just vote him out. I just… do not let that bald prick survive this elimination. 

Jesus: I am willing to take the sacrifice. Is what I would say if Matt was not here.

sans: bone pun

purple: form below. see you next episode where i’ll actually have an idea!

form over sorry :(

stay puft: so, DOGMA’s finally gone, huh? 

Jesus: It would appear so. It has caused Syphilis to have an adverse reaction, likely due to her death. 

Matt: What, and that’s somehow my fault?

Jesus: LEAVE.

Matt: Not like I want to interact with you anyway, you inferior bitch.

Jesus: LEAVE.

Matt: Yeah, yeah, I’m going. 

Matt leaves

whilst in the car park, a static tendril creeps up from behind the billboard

poo poo bum bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

Rudolf: Red. We need to talk.

red: is this about that one guy who possessed reagan?

Rudolf: Yes.

red: you went through two challenges without mentioning him, you were doing so well!

Rudolf: I’ve been evaluating evidence. Look at the name and compare it to the individual Reagan expressed hatred towards.

red: …gorbachev?

Rudolf: The other one.

red: stalin? OHHHH. so you think joey is actually stalin?

Rudolf: Given that Stalin himself is dead in my reality, unlikely that he’s the actual Stalin. Which means I need to talk to the Youtube Dislike Button. 

dislike: hey i got mentioned

Rudolf: Yes. Now was this ‘tweet’ you were oddly secretive about referencing pseudonyms?

dislike: yes. you really just ruined the stalin joke by turning it into a red herring. disappointing. 

Rudolf: The difficulty with finding Joey Steel was that there were no records of him. So I think we have someone who was initially called Joseph Stalin who named themselves Joey Steel instead to avoid the embarrassment.

red: that… seems somewhat obvious, but how does that help you?

Rudolf: Because he’s somewhere here. He was able to speak through Reagan. He’s one of the contestants. And you seem to have some detective skills, yes?

red: i am from hit game among us, of course i know people. public lobbies are easy to manipulate when they’re not being the absolute worst and voting me out just because they thought it would be funny.

purple: yeah, i feel you.

red: OH MY INNERSLOTH, CAN YOU STOP JUST APPEARING?!

purple: dislike you’re getting teleported

dislike: cool

dislike button is teleported to the skeld

purple: we’re starting with the advantage that poo poo bum bum wee wee is recieving!

vigi: why are these names like this?

Matt: At least it means something. Who the hell names themselves ‘Vigi’? Oh wait, I know who, one of the least appreciated Smash Bros characters who people only care about because she can impersonate Sans.

sans: wait, they kept my clothes?

vigi: …what?

sans: too lazy to attend the tournament so i just mailed my clothes. surprised they kept them. 

prple: advantages! here they are:

• Maverick - Option 1
• shoop - Option 1
• Eight. - mario's testicles.
• G - The letter g gains a really loud reverb every "g"
• FacTorial - A Brie-zooka from the Cheese Dimension
• White_Tiger - the ability to change one letter of the team name
• ADAGE - Spaghettification
• beaner - a weapon of Hate^TM
• Ohio skibidi rizz - Poo

supply: …’Option 1’?

purple: made an error with the form initially. thanks for pointing it out eight! so i took creative liberties.

an anvil labeled ‘Option 1’ lands on Joker

vigi: HOW WERE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE.

Joker: Oof, this hurts. God, I am in so much pain right now.

Akechi: Suffer, Ren. Oh, wait, is it Akira? Or does the player sort of just MAKE IT UP?

Matt: I’m almost impressed by the sheer amount of venom that held.

Goomba: NEVER MIND THAT, MARIO’S TESTICLES?

mario’s testicles appear on the floor whilst the distant screams of an italian plumber are heard

Goomba: Someone open the airlock.

Morbius: Sure, my friend who I enjoy spending time with.

Morbius opens the airlock while Goomba kicks the testicles out into space

Goomba: SUFFER, YOU STUPID PLUMBER BITCH!

g: g

the reverb is heard

Goomba: That’s going to get annoying, and you know what? I don’t care. I’m too elated to give a shit. 

the goomba then feels a force on his head

Goomba: OW. Oh, this must be the Brie-zooka. I’m going to get a lot of milege out of this.

Akechi: Not how you spell it.

supply: I’m sorry, are you being a prescriptivist right now?

Matt: The fuck is a ‘prescriptivist’?

dislike: i have decided that i am going to change the 8th letter to ‘a’

poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

supply: Well, now this just makes less sense.

Dude: Spaghettification, huh? Can I do that to Springtrap?

Springtrap: Why am I here now? I was busy making things.

Springtrap is suddenly elongated to an unbearable extent

Springtrap: MY LIMBS ARE FLOPPY. HOW IS METAL FLOPPY. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

sans: why the long face? ( ba dum tss )

Dude: Terrible, but it’s Springtrap so that makes it funny.

Springtrap: I WILL VORE YOU.

Dude: Hey, I’m just giving child killers what they deserve, no need to threaten me with a good time.

Springtrap: GO TO HELL.

Springtrap is gone

Goomba: Never mind that, what’s this weapon of Hate^TM?

a weapon of Hate^TM lands on the supply teacher, who inspects it

supply: …this is just a Twitter Blue subscription.

purple: it fits, right?

Twitter Blue User, It’s called X now, you enemies to free speech. You can reflect upon your WOKE skie

the Twitter Blue User is immediately wiped from existence

purple: no. 

and finally, a giant poo lands right on Morbius, crushing him

Morbius: AHHHHHHHHHHH-

Morbius dies from suffocation

purple: now that that’s done with, let’s do prize votes! everyone got at least one, but only syphilis and jesus got more than one.

Jesus: Why would I receive a prize? I have no need for mortal possessions.

Matt: He won, didn’t he?

vigi: yep.

Matt: FUCK.

purple: vote reasons!

• Maverick - It’s crazy that the prophesied second coming of Christ happened for such a fairly mediocre game show. (Jesus)
• shoop - matt x ryan (the tutorial guy from wii sports) shipping cute (Matt)
• Eight. - howard be thy name. (Jesus)
• G - ULTRAKILL parry, although it did not work. Went hard. (Syphilis)
• FacTorial - caw caw amirite? (Crow)
• White_Tiger - go ro or go home (Akechi)
• ADAGE - Remember that time Jesus got mad at a tree and placed a curse on it? I sure do (Jesus)
• beaner - poor girl got shot :( (Syphilis)
• Ohio skibidi rizz - Tumblr sexy man (sans)

Matt: Surprised you know about Ryan. Also, fuck all of you except shoop.

Crow: Out of interest, for no particular reason, what would be your favourite movie ever made?

Matt: Why are you asking me this?

Crow: Team bonding, of course. We have only known each other for around 10 days at this point.

Akechi: Why bother? He’s obviously getting kicked out.

Jesus is given a USB stick

Jesus: Thank you for this gift and your continued support.

Matt: Tell me someone voted for him.

purple: jesus would have been safe anyway with zero votes, along with sans.

sans: we stay winning.

Matt: You haven’t even done anything, you lazy cunt.

purple: crow agent watch only got one vote against them.

Matt: Again, done literally nothing. 

Crow: I do not mean to brag, but I currently am in a better position than you.

purple: akechi also only got one vote. which means it’s between matt and syphilis. one of them got 3 votes, the other got 4. 

Matt: What the fuck. Literally the only two useful members, as well.

Akechi: Stop acting as if you’re actually beneficial to us when you literally caused the last challenge.

Matt: Someone’s just pissy because their boyfriend keeps dying.

Akechi: AND SO WILL YOU IF YOU REFERENCE JOKER ONE MORE TIME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

Matt: What? Didn’t say who it was.

Akechi: YOU KNOW FULL WELL WHAT YOU MEANT. 

Syphilis: Can we just… can we please just end it quickly?

purple: sure. matt got 4, syphilis got 3, so matt is out and going to the time cube!

Matt: FUCK EVERYONE EXCEPT SYPHILIS.

Akechi: …why single out Syphilis?

Matt: Cool arm. Fuck the rest of you.

purple: here are the voting reasons:

• Maverick - I think that dissing the literal Son of God is an absolutely horrible idea that is only going to lead to you getting into trouble. (Matt)
• shoop - i dunno (Syphilis)
• Eight. - suck my crowk also you're lame. (Crow)
• G - Imagine drugging the concept of christian fundamentalism? Goes hard but can't choose between anyone else. (Matt)
• FacTorial - not caw caw therefore bad (and bald) (Matt)
• White_Tiger - being told to vote for someone makes the contrarian in my brain activate. i like syphillis but their name sounds like the guy who rolls the boulder (Syphilis)
• ADAGE - I prefer Nintendo (Syphilis)
• beaner - he called me a clown (Matt)
• Ohio skibidi rizz - Idk icl (Akechi)

Matt: Literally when did I call you a clown? Never. You’re not funny enough to be a clown, bitch.

sans: someone’s mad. mad to the bone. ( the bad to the bone riff plays)

Akechi: I will never understand how you just play those. Anyway, goodbye, Matt. It wasn’t fun.

g: gg

Crow: The reverb is interesting. 

Akechi: I’m going to post on Twitter about happy I am.

Akechi opens his Twitter account, scrolls a bit and then stops

Akechi: WHO POSTED THIS?! WHO HACKED INTO MY ACCOUNT?

Crow: That sounds unfortunate. If you need any online security advice, I have a fair amount.

Akechi: NEVER MIND THAT, MY REPUTATION IS RUINED. I WASN’T EVEN OFFICIALLY DEAD, AND NOW I LOOK LIKE AN INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORIST! ‘I’m not saying all vaccines cause autism’, ‘When are they going to show us the moon landing set’, THEY TURNED ME INTO A FLAT EARTHER! WHAT IS THIS?!

Matt: No one cares about your stupid Twitter account. 

purple: thanks for reminding me, time cube you go!

Matt: NO THE FUCK YOU

Matt falls into the Time Cube

MATT HAS LOST THE GAME

purple: anyway, everyone is now at the car park. which is good. you’re all getting trapped in an escape room! seperate ones for each team.

Charlie: seriously?

vigi: i designed these pretty well. enjoy struggling.

purple: last two out lose. that’s right, we’re doing a double elimination. bye!

every contestant is now in an escape room

uwu

Alex: I mean, I like logic, but I have a pickaxe.

8: Use it. 

Alex: Even better! I have TNT!

8: Not safe enough. Use the pickaxe.
Alex: Spoilsport.

Alex starts mining as Omori just… lies down

8: This could be an opportunity to build our relationships in this team further. After all, the more cohesion we have as a team, the better we will do.

Alex: I like your thinking! Hi! I’m Alex! I like cake, explosions and women! My favourite hobby is having an existential crisis every night as I wonder whether I’m experiencing all there is in life or whether I’m just another cog in an endless chain who will never actually mean something!

Omori: Relatable.

Greg: YE CAN SPEAK?!

Omori: …

Greg: Nev’r mind.

Ralph: I’ll go next. Hello. I am Ralph the Anti Piracy Scorpion, and from the day I was born, I knew one thing. I was meant to defend the multibillion dollar companies from the evils of PIRACY. 

Greg: Seri’usly? 

Ralph: I knew that I was made to stop these evil scum from stealing everything. They don’t know the cost of what they do. I once knew a person called David Zaslav. These villains pirated movies that weren’t being released because they were seen as tax write offs, and he could only afford ONE golden plane. DO YOU KNOW HOW DISTRAUGHT HE FELT?!

Greg: Ye mean I can activ’ly disadvant’ge Zaslav? Yer no helpin’ yer case, me arachnid crewmate.

Ralph: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MEANT TO DO. DEFEAT THESE PIRATES. BUT THEY JUST KEEP COMING AND COMING! DOES NO ONE THINK OF THE BILLIONAIRES?!

Chicken: somehow facepalms despite not having hands

yellow: yeah, this is pretty facepalm worthy.

8: And who would you be?

yellow: all these rooms have wardens. i was hired for this one. i’m getting a copy of rubik’s cube for the 3ds, so, you know, i’m happy. just gonna twerk now. 

yellow twerks while Alex keeps mining

ogfr

red: let’s see what we got. huh, a car? interesting.

Doofenshmirtz: BEHOLD! THE INSTANT-ESCAPE-FROM-ESCAPE-ROOMS INATOR!

red: why did you invent that?

Doofenshmirtz: It all started when my parents abandoned me in an escape room when I was 6. I was picked up by Child Services, but they just laughed. Drusselstein doesn’t have the best law services. It helped dent my trust in them.

Charlie: yeah, law services suck. get better. anyway, is this guy ok with us leaving?

Specimen 9: horrific screeching

red: that sounds like a yes. let’s go!

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz immediately exits with the inator

purple: and that’s one done!

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: safe

sans undertale gaming

sans: what’s up, gamers. today we’re doing some escape rooms. 

Akechi: Go back to the puns. Please. This is even worse.

sans: :skullemoji: 

sans then teleports out

Akechi: OH, AND JUST LEAVE US HERE TO DRY?! Well, never mind, let’s see what we have he

Jesus uses the divine power of the Lord to leave

Akechi: WHY. We only have three people now.

Crow: For what it is worth, fellow contestant, there seems to be a tablet. It would likely be beneficial to check it for any clues.

Akechi: Yes. Syphilis, may you do the honours?

Syphilis: S-s-sure.

Syphilis picks up the tablet

Baldi: Great job! Now, I’m not technically meant to do this, but I’ll let you all go free if you can answer the questions using the You Can Think P

Akechi throws his pokeball at Baldi, capturing him

Syphilis: W-w-w-w-why w-w-would y-y-you d-d-do th-th-th-th-that?

Akechi: Did you SEE the third question last time?

Syphilis: …g-good point.

Akechi: This also means we have an advantage for later, plausibly. Now, I believe we’re the only three here, yes? Jesus, as virtuous as he is, is arguably too virtuous, and Sans is, well, Sans . I propose a three way alliance.

sans: three way, huh? 

Akechi: DID YOU REALLY JUST COME BACK TO MAKE A SHITTY SEX JOKE?

sans: yeah. now i’m too lazy to move. get to escaping and all that. i’m gonna drink some ketchup and then take a nap.

Akechi: I detest you.

Joker: But I thought you hated me.

Akechi: HOW DO YOU KEEP APPEARING?!

Joker: Relax. I’m here to help you out.

sans: counter argument. 

Joker then slips on a nothing and dies

Akechi: Seriously, what was the point of that?

the what

Springtrap: Hey, who’s that there?

Makoto Nijima: How did I even ge- no. nonono. not you anyone but you nonononono please don’t hurt… you know what? I’m DONE BEING SCARED

Springtrap immediately pulls out a flamethrower and burns her alive

stay puft: …why are you like this? look, the walls have all crashed down for some reason.

Tamatoa: Probably my sheer size. It would make sense.

stay puft: never mind why, there’s the exit! let’s go!

Minos Prime: Salvation was simple to accomplish.

Miku: Wait, doesn’t this seem… well… too easy?

stay puft: we’re leaving this shit and being safe, why’s that bad?

Miku: This feels like a trap.

Springtrap: Literally how. Why would they bother trapping us for, what, the giant crab destroying the room?

Minos Prime: Loathe as I am to admit it, thy point is valid.

Miku: Oh, I was just playing Devil’s Advocate.

stay puft: makes senes.

Tamatoa: I’m not entirely sure what a ‘senes’ is, but he’s right. Let’s go!

poo poo bam bum wee wee

dislike: we should just use that brie-zooka thing, right?

supply: …something’s wrong.

dislike: in the room or

supply: You have NEVER once been helpful at any point. Your whole act seems to be to cause chaos. What are you planning here? What are you going to do?

dislike: i feel like you’re negatively labeling me here.

Goomba: I mean, she’s not wrong.

dislike: wow. you know what? just for that, i won’t help you out anymore. you’re being kinda rude here.

vigi: it’s not cool.

g: g

the reverb causes the entire room to shake and a magnet to fall on the revived Morbius

Morbius: Look, I’m get I’m very attractive

supply: ‘I’m get’?

Morbius: Oh no, I appear to have made a Minor Spelling Mistake.

Morbius evaporates into dust

suppply: …that doesn’t… what?

dislike: now look what you’ve done.

Blahaj: disapproving shark noises

g: g

Dude: Damn, and here I thought you weren’t an asshole.

Goomba: …what the mush is going on?

vigi: whatever you make of it.

Goomba: Why are you even here?

vigi: not sure. just am. 

Goomba: Are you going to help us?

vigi: nope.

Goomba: Wow. Thanks for nothing, dickhead.

vigi: shouldn’t you be trying to escape?

supply: What are we meant to do with nothing but a magnet?

vigi: that’s for you to figure out. use logic.

dislike: i could use logic but i am instead going to follow the title’s orders and curl up into a ball and cry

the dislike button tries to curl up into a ball, but is not able to due to being a disembodied hand

dislike: well, one out of two isn’t the worst.

the dislike button starts crying

supply: …why are you like… never mind. I’m going to just hold the magnet out like this, and… uh… something?

Goomba: And you say you’re a teacher.

supply: YOU’RE RIGHT, I TRIED SO HARD TO HELP CHILDREN BUT I ONLY GOT TO BEING A SUBSTITUTE, I DIDN’T EVEN WANT THIS JOB I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A STABLE JOB TO PAY MY BILLS. I’ve failed… I’ve failed so hard…

the supply teacher curls up into a ball and cries

Dude: Hey, if it works, it works.

Goomba: HOW THE MUSH WOULD IT WORK.

Dude: Just say fuck. I know you’ve said fuck before.

Goomba: I’m pretty sure that’s been said enough by pretty much everyone else. I have my own swears, you know. 

Dude: Your swears are shit.

Goomba: OH, FUCK OFF.

Dude: See? That works better than anything else you could’ve said. Man, it is good to be right.

vigi: i think you’re going to lose.

Dude: Probably, but we can take a hit.

Goomba: WHAT ATTITUDE IS THAT TO HAVE?! HOW AM I ONE OF THE ONLY SANE PEOPLE IN THIS TEAM, NO, THE WHOLE FUCKING COMPETITION?! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Dude: Uh, last I checked, it was only 57 mental illnesses. Might have miscounted, though. I’m a busy person, I have errands to run. You get it, right?

Goomba: 57?!

Dude: Last I checked, anyway. Why?

Goomba: …never mind.

uwu

Alex: Phew, this is taking a while!

Greg: I can take ovarr if ye want.

Alex: No, it’s fine! Anything to distract from the overwhelming boredom I feel when I’m not being stimulated by constant activity!

Greg: Fair enough.

Omori: …

Ralph: At least nothing related to PIRACY is going to hap

a pirate ship crashes into the side of the room

yellow: hey, i spent ages not doing anything here! what gives?

pirate ship: we saw someone tempting fate and now we are here.

8: You might as well open the door to let us free. It is clear that we could simply exit using that wall.

yellow: makes sense

yellow lets them out

Greg: Not tha’ I be complanin’, but woud it no hav’ been easiarr to jus’ walk through th’ wall?

8: It was a false ship. The mining would have taken too long. Now we are secure.

purple: ooh, deception! unconventional, but i respect it.

uwu: ⍻⟟⍧⍑⌾☈⍦ ⏙⍲⎎ ⍲⎾⏙⍲⍦⎎ ⌾⌰☈⎎. ⏙ℍ⍦ 🜅⟟⅁ℍ⍑ ⍲⅁⍲⟟☊⎎⍑ ⟟⍑? ⅁⟟⍻ℇ ⟟☊ ⍑⌾ ⍦⌾⌰☈ ⍴☈⟟⍓⍲⎾ ⌰☈⅁ℇ⎎. ⅁⟟⍻ℇ ⟟☊ ⍑⌾ 🜅⍲⍑ℇ. ⎎⌰☈☈ℇ☊⟄ℇ☈ ⍑⌾ ⍓ℇ.

purple: there was no need for

yellow: yes. i will, lord. i will surrender to you. i will follow you everywhere.

yellow has submitted to ꔪꛎꚲꛎꚽ𖣠𖢧𖣠𖢧ꛅ

purple: did that really need narrating? eh, whatever. i don’t know what you’re

yellow starts floating in the air as a hole opens up in the sky

ꔪꛎꚲꛎꚽ𖣠𖢧𖣠𖢧ꛅ: ⍲☊⟄ ☊⌾⏙, ⍦⌾⌰ ⍲☈ℇ 🜅☈ℇℇ 🜅☈⌾⍓ ⍑ℍ⌾⎎ℇ ⏙ℍ⌾ ⏙⌾⌰⎾⟄ ⟄⌾ ⍦⌾⌰ ℍ⍲☈⍓.

yellow is then… gone

purple: i’m not sure what just happened, but it seems interesting enough.

Alex: Huh.

Omori: completely neutral

red: i’m not sure what the hell just happened so i’m just going to sabotage akechi. where’s that mute button?

sans undertale gaming

Akechi: I believe that to escape this room, we should first

Akechi is then muted

Akechi: …

Akechi realizes he is not speaking, and decides to speak in sign language

Syphilis: Oh, y-y-you k-know s-s-sign l-l-l-l-langauge too?

Akechi: signs ‘Yes’

in Japanese sign language

Syphilis: …I’m so s-s-sorry, b-but I o-o-only know ASL.

Akechi proceeds to bang his fists on a table repeatedly

Crow: If I may say so myself, I believe I have figured out the solution.

the crow then walks to a wall

Crow: Release us or I will leak the Discord messages.

causing the wall to immediately jump away in fear

sans: that works. great job, people.

purple: and the what and poo poo bam bum wee wee lose!

stay puft: wait, how did we lose, we were out in like 2 seconds!

purple: no you weren’t

vigi: you definitely weren’t.

stay puft: it couldn’t fit tamatoa! it crashed down!

8: Reality is not often what you thought it would be.

Minos Prime: I believe that we have been, as thy say, ‘fucked over’.

purple: so, uh, vote for someone from both of those teams for a prize win and to get voted out! wooooooo!

POO POO BAM BUM WEE WEE AND THE WHAT HAVE LOST THE CHALLENGE

dislike: hate me, hate me, say that you hate me

stay puft: don’t say that you hate me. i still need to get that human organ donation station set up. you won’t crap over a poor marshmallow’s dream, will you?

supply: I’m going insane. But I’m in this, so please don’t vote me out because I don’t want NO buffer between anyone and Matt.

Minos Prime: Please, I have so much left to accomplish.

g: g

Tamatoa: A vote against me is a vote for the literal child murderer. That’s all I’m saying. 

Dude: I will delete Postal 3 from existence if you vote me for the prize.

Miku: I won’t, but come on, you wouldn’t vote everyone’s favourite idol, right?

Morbius: HAVE SEX

Springtrap: Lmao.

Goomba: I will find you.

Blahaj: shark noises

purple: see you next episode!

form over sorry :(

supply: I know you’re meant to be impartial as a teacher, but the ‘Youtube Dislike Button’ is not a student, so can I express that I DESPISE her?

Knight: tries to nod but sadly does not succeed as part of being a chess piece

Charlie: wait, why am I here?

supply: To join an alliance. The ‘Anti Dislike Alliance’.

Minos Prime: Th(y)eir end will be near!

Charlie: sure, why the hell not?

Knight: moves in an L shape

Ralph: I feel like she’s pirated material before. So I shall join!

supply: Then let us prepare to teach her a lesson!

poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt , Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

8: Greetings.

Tamatoa: Oh, you’re the deer guy that voice told me about. What do you want? I’m rewatching my favourite part of this movie.

Specimen 8 looks at the scene, it is literally just Tamatoa beating the shit out of Moana and Maui

8: …

Tamatoa: What? Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same.

8: Ignoring that, I wanted to discuss our lord Bayagototh.

Tamatoa: Considered it, and honestly, I’m too busy with other things.

8: Such as?

Tamatoa: Look, Pikmin 4 isn’t going to 100% itself a third time.

8: I understand what you are saying, but it is more than possible to play Pikmin 4 and still worship Bayagototh.

Tamatoa: You make a good point, but like, I’m not the biggest fan of cults.

8: Hardly a cult. Did you not see Bayagototh carry off the yellow bean into their embrace.

Tamatoa: Do you actually like them, though?

8: No. They turned me into this. So I shall be completely level with you. What do you have that the other entities here do not?

Tamatoa: I’m nice and SHINY.

8: Do you honestly believe that you can avoid being eliminated because of being shiny? We have established that you are on the same alliance as a child killer who people seem to somewhat enjoy, and a famous idol. Do you believe you can counter the other contestants on other teams without having something to your name?

Tamatoa: Oh, I get it. You’re using the image of some eldritch being you hate to further your own goals. Well, when you put it that way, I’d be glad to kickstart a cult. I even know exactly where to find victims. There was some ‘Anti Dislike Alliance’ that we can manipulate.

8: I knew I made the right choice by welcoming you.

purple: i mean, i like scheming and stuff, but we need to do the elimination.

Tamatoa as well as the others on the what and ppbbww are sent to the skeld

stay puft: please tell me springtrap’s out

Springtrap: They don’t structure this thing like that, Micheal.

stay puft: who the hell is micheal?

Goomba: Before someone inevitably says something stupid, which team is being done first?

purple: doing prizes for both first, with ppbbww first, so i can tell you that you did not win a prize with only one vote, though you did better than the youtube dislike button, postal dude and morbius.

Goomba: Shit.

dislike: understandable

Dude: Damn, that’s annoying.

Morbius: Did you know that Jared Leto method acted for 14 years to get into the role of Micheal Morbius? For more information, search up ‘Jared Leto 14 year old’.

stay puft: sure

a few google searches later

stay puft: WHAT THE FUCK

purple: supply teacher also only got one vote, unlike jared leto who got more than one allegation against him.

supply: I was bested by a LETTER?!

g: g

Blahaj: happy shark noises

purple: it comes down to two of the less verbal characters, one with 2 and one with 4, and the one with 4 is none other than ikea’s trans icon, the blahaj!

Blahaj: victorious shark noises

purple: you win cybernetic enhancements.

the blahaj is then taken… somewhere

purple: cyborg blahaj should be entertaining. speaking of entertaining, let’s look at prize reasons:

• Eight. - if goomba has zero fans, i will be dead. (Goomba)
• beaner - trans rights (i cant think of anyone else to vote) (Blahaj)
• shoop - substitutes always have it the worst man (supply)
• ADAGE - Jahalb (Blahaj)
• White_Tiger - geez gouise ghere go gi gtart (g)
• God himself - Trans rights (Blahaj)
• FacTorial - the blew shart (Blahaj)
• G - It's my fella, my little scrunckly (g)

g: g

supply: I have given up on this voter base.

purple: so did one of the commenters, but maybe the reasons on the what will change your view when we see who won the prize! starting by clarifying that neither stay puft or minos prime won.

Minos Prime: DRAT!

stay puft: you really just used the word ‘drat’ in 2024.

purple: and, uh, fun fact. tamatoa did not win either with two votes. so it’s down to hatsune miku and springtrap.

stay puft: i have faith that people will not like the child murderer more than miku

purple: …i mean, they tied, so technically no. 3 votes each, you know? miku, you get a gun. springtrap, you get a coin.

Miku is tossed a gun

Miku: Yay! I can now do crime!

Springtrap: It only takes one coin to remove all of someone’s vital organs if you’re good enough.

purple: miku would’ve been safe anyway and now is more safe, unlike springtrap. spoiler alert, i guess. given we’re doing vote reasons first:

• Eight. - i too despise children, even if he is not as good as Dave Miller. (Springtrap)
• beaner - well tamatoa hasnt always been this glam.. (Tamatoa)
• shoop - she’s the least unhinged (Miku)
• ADAGE - Crabs are inherently superior. Just look at how many different times evolution created them (Tamatoa)
• White_Tiger - yasss queen slay!!!! (Springtrap)
• God himself - Fnaf (Springtrap)
• FacTorial - the hat sunny michael (Miku)
• G - Give her a Gun. now go, do a crime (hopefully) (Miku)

supply: This has not restored my faith in the voter base.

Springtrap: You’re just mad you can’t get away with killing children.

Dude: Did you? I mean, that suit looks pretty painful to me.

Springtrap: No u.

Dude: What the fuck is that meant to 

the Postal Dude suddenly falls over on the ground, writhing in pain, as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne

dislike: billionaire alert

the dislike button beats bruce wayne to death with the umbrella, just as the now cyborg blahaj comes back

Blahaj: Blah!

vigi: we failed to implement the speech feature, so now the blahaj just says the syllables in its name. you know how it is.

purple: b

vigi: …what the hell does that mean?

purple: thumbs up. anyway, blahaj was already safe, along with goomba and postal dude.

Dude: More time to read Gary Coleman’s autobiography. It’s really investing.

Blahaj: ( happy ) Blah!

Goomba: This is good.

purple: morbius is next safe with only one vote.

Morbius: MorPINGAS usual, I see?

Goomba: How are you getting LESS coherent?

purple: next safe is, of course, the letter g.

g: G

dislike: oh no it’s using capitals now

supply: Wait, WE’RE THE ONES IN MOST DANGER?!

dislike: yes. feed me with your hate. 

purple: dislike, you are safe with two votes. supply, you are out with 3.

dislike: i guess that works.

supply: …

purple: voting reasons here:

• Eight. - the alphabet is overrated. (g)
• beaner - fuck you im asexual bitch im not gonna have sex (Morbius)
• shoop - I have had. Enough meta jokes (dislike)
• ADAGE - It would be funny if she had to deal with the toilet (supply)
• White_Tiger - i went to check the tags real quick to see where you were from and found nothing. that isn't the reason why i voted them i just think everyone else is cooler (supply)
• God himself - Dislike him dont I (dislike)
• FacTorial - gonna be honest it's getting old now (g)
• G - Had a bad experience with your types, so I'll try the chance now (supply)

dislike: i use she/her pronouns, god. honestly, reread the character profiles.

supply: SILENCE! I have had ENOUGH of your DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

dislike: hey! i made someone swear! i’m really doing well today.

supply: Is EVERYTHING just a joke to you?

dislike: yes

supply: I- you know what? I don’t care. I’m out of this show anyway, right?

purple: rejoins are a thing. why do you think i lock people in the pseudoscience cube instead of just killing them or sending them home or whatever?

supply: Oh. Good to know. WAIT, THE WHAT CUBE?!

purple: you and someone from the what will find out. the individual who will find out is obviously not hatsune miku, as we’ve established, who both won the prize vote and also got zero votes. now, technically, springtrap should’ve been the safe one as he was first safe, but that’s not as fun. because now, unlike tamatoa and minos prime, springtrap is one of the least safe along with stay puft! who will it be?

stay puft: it better be him.

Springtrap: It would be funnier if it was you.

purple: it’s a tie. you both got 3 votes each. it’s another tie. i just… no. i… can we stop tying? that’s, like, the third time this has happened? you know what, just… vigi, you do this.

vigi: pick a number between 69 and 420.

Springtrap: 419.

stay puft: 70

vigi: the number was 365. springtrap remains safe.

stay puft: FUCKIN- REROLL, REROLL!

purple: let’s do some reasons instead:

• Eight. - less. (Minos Prime)
• beaner - bitch never comes back (Springtrap)
• shoop - I have had. Enough murder jokes (Springtrap)
• ADAGE - Busting makes me feel good (stay puft)
• White_Tiger - child murderer is AWESOME, actually (Tamatoa)
• God himself - Boringgg (stay puft)
• FacTorial - he can't THY END IS NOW
  he can't SHINY
  he can't POPIPOPIPO POPIPO
  he can't THE MAN BEHIND THE SLAUGHTER
  what he can do?
  NOTHING (stay puft)
• G - I WILL leave you in the time cube and you will NOT come back (Springtrap)

stay puft: i can BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN BUSTIN makes me FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD bustin makes me feel good

Springtrap: You’re not Neil Cicierega and you never will be.

stay puft: oh, fuck off.

Springtrap: I’m pretty sure you’re doing that right now.

purple: yep!

supply teacher and stay puft are both thrown into the Time Cube

SUPPLY TEACHER AND STAY PUFT HAVE LOST THE GAME

supply: WHAT IS THIS?!

Pringles: It was a place with pseudoscience, but we turned that off by sacrificing Ronald Reagan. You know how it is.

stay puft: but the toilet’s still alive?

PS3 Baby: Evi Dently

Pringles: HOLY SHI-

purple: hi, contestants! who is ready for a challenge?

Charlie: not me

purple: that’s sad. want me to wait a bit?

Charlie: 13 seconds.

13 seconds pass

purple: now it’s challenge time! with a new co host for today because vigi’s busy with something that came up. that co host will not be yellow, because they got zero votes.

red: didn’t yellow ascend or something?

purple: probably. specimen 9, gex and baldi were also rejected with only 1 vote each, and jeff bezos was just edged out by who you know won now.

Akechi: Who won?

Joker from Persona 5 walks on

Joker: You should’ve seen me coming at this point.

Akechi: Oh, great, it’s you again.

Joker: Stop being such a Tsundere, it’s an overused trope and you were far more gay for me in every one of our interactions.

Akechi: I can appreciate your form whilst still wanting to implant a bullet in your skull.

Joker: Speaking of appreciation, you’ll all appreciate the challenge I came up with. Any guesses?

dislike: cult ritual

purple: no, that would’ve been yellow

dislike: awww

Doofenshmirtz: Take over the ENTIRE TRI STATE AREA!

Joker: It is not.

Akechi: I see. You’re going to do something clever, aren’t you? A real test of all of our skills. You’re going to put us through hell, aren’t you? You’re going to make us steal someone’s heart.

Joker: Technically.

Akechi: What do you mean ‘technically’?

Joker: It’s a dating show.

…

Akechi: Why are you like this.

Omori: shakes head

Joker: Welcome to Steal Your Heart, my very own dating show! We used the rejected co hosts as our eligible bachelors here, along with some others we kidn- CONVINCED to join.

Specimen 9: incoherent screeching

Gex: This is just like that time Scott Wozniak played Chibi Robo. If that robot shows their face again even Jim Carrey wouldn’t try to defend me.

yellow: hello, my children!

red: oh no. they’re a cultist now.

8: Implying they would ever be competent enough to actually manage a cult.

Baldi: Hi I’m Baldi, nice to meet ya!

Jeffery Preston Bezos: Give me your money.

vigi: i guess i can be here, sure.

Makoto Nijima: WHAT IS GOING ON AT THIS POINT?!

Sephiroth: And now, I shall bring fmgs despair.

Twitter Blue User: You can never silence free

Galacta Knight then swoops down and one shots Twitter Blue User from existence

Charlie: how does that bitch keep coming back?

purple: it’s different users

Charlie: oh

Joker: Well, that sorted itself out. We’ll have two people from each team on the stage. Whichever team is the last one to have someone not be chosen loses.

Makoto: PLEASE LET ME GO.

Bezos: To be fair, I did sign up for this.

yellow: same. how else am i going to indoctrinate people?

Joker: You have until I feel like it to choose who goes up. Sayonara.

Joker then disappears in a puff of smoke

sans undertale gaming

Akechi: I am NOT going up. I am not interacting with Nijima any longer than I have to.

Crow: How about Jesus? Jesus has the charismatic personality, from what I understand.

Akechi: I have read the Bible, and there is no indication that Jesus is one for relationships.

Jesus: Do you really think God wouldn’t be somewhat attracted to his own creation? I’m omnisexual.

Akechi: On second thought, that makes more sense.

Jesus: If we are in agreement, I am willing to participate.

Akechi: This works for me.

Crow: Of course, of course.

Syphilis: I g-g-g-guess? B-b-but w-we still n-need a s-s-second person…

sans: i volunteer

Akechi: No, you do not.

sans: too late, i’m in the register.

Akechi: I do not tru- wait, Undertale is actually popular media… on second thought, go ahead. 

sans: you won’t regret it. i’ll cut the competition down to the bone. ( ba dum tss )

Akechi: I really hope, for your sake, that the 

Crow: Slight issue, fellow contestants. It seems I already registered.

…

Akechi: Well, I am nothing if not good at improvisation.

Crow: But you’re not on.

Akechi: Are you good at improv?

Crow: The other day, I convinced myself people actually liked my stories. I’d say I can adapt.

sans: why are you always so suspicious, pal? 

Crow: No reason. No reason at all.

Joker: So, you’re registering Crow, huh?

Akechi: Why did you say it like

sans undertale gaming: Goro Akechi, Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible

Jesus: Can someone please fix my name?

Akechi: FU

poo poo bam bum wee wee

Morbius: I’m morbin’ all over them.

g: g

dislike: that works

Goomba: NO, IT DOES NOT. Morbius, I get, but we are NOT having A FUCKING LETTER go up.

dislike: then i’ll register

Goomba: WAIT NO-

poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, Dr Michael Morbius

Dude: You just know there’s going to be some variety of pickled testicles in here.

Goomba: I swear to Bowser himself, if YOU FUCK THIS UP-

g: G

the force of the G knocks Goomba away

the what

Springtrap: So, we’re agreed that Miku goes up, right?

Minos Prime: Indeed.

Springtrap: Miku and Tamatoa.

Minos Prime: Th(e)y will be more efficient than us.

Springtrap: Like, I would, but a rotting corpse rabbit robot doesn’t seem appealing to anyone there because they’re all bitches.

Tamatoa: This works.

Miku: I’m used to the stage and toxic fans. This will be easy.

the what: Hatsune Miku, Tamatoa

uwu

8: I will not.

Greg: Aye, ye will. I be aware of yer fanbase. There be too much R34 of ye t’ not hav’ ye on.

Alex: Deer Lord and Greg, then? That seems like a good duo!

Chicken: bawk

Greg: I not be tha’ charmin’.

Ralph: True. Fuck you.

8: If you insist, then fine, I will go on. But only because I know no one else is really logistically able to.

Alex: I could if you really don’t want to!

8: That works.

uwu: Alex, Greg Homebrew

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz

Charlie: I don’t know what the fuck is going on so I vote Doofenshmirtz.

red: why not

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, don’t worry. I will not be BESTED in this DATING SHOW! For I have a few tricks up my sleeve!

red: who else

Charlie: you lol

red: wtf

Charlie: too many people are into tentacles to discount you

red: WHAT TGHE FUCK

Charlie: Minor Spelling Mistake, I Win, Go Up

red: oh fuck off

Charlie: Go up or I’m releasing your search history.

red: imgoingimgoing

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

Joker: And that’s everyone. Now come up to the stage!

Akechi: Die in a fire.

Springtrap: Hey, that’s my line.

Makoto: STOP FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE I GO, PLEASE!

Springtrap: Just wait for the end.

Makoto: Nope. No. Not happening.

Springtrap: OK, so now.

Springtrap proceeds to throw the coin into her throat, causing her to suffocate and die

Joker: Great. We’re missing a person now.

Springtrap then disappears and a completely unrelated rabbit robot corpse wearing a t shirt that says ‘Not Springtrap’ on it

Joker: Who the hell are you?

Not Springtrap: I’m Not Springtrap. I can be the eligible bachelor.

Joker: That works.

Akechi: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDI

Joker: Let’s begin! 

Not Springtrap: So, how will this be structured?

Joker: All the bachelors will ask questions and every contestant will respond.

Not Springtrap: Cool. May I start?

Joker: Hell yes, let’s do this.

Not Springtrap: What’s your opinion on child murder?

Tamatoa: Cringe.

Not Springtrap: As I am Not Springtrap, I agree. Let’s get married.

Tamatoa and ‘Not Springtrap’ walk off

Tamatoa has been paired off

Joker: That was fast. Looks like… ‘the what’ is doing well. As for the name… not terrible, but not impressive.

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO

Jesus: Take the dead to the afterlife where they can bask in the glory of God. Unless they’re pedophiles, in which case STRAIGHT to hell.

Specimen 9: affirmative? screeching

Akechi: May I enquire as to what you mean by

Specimen 9: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

Alex: You seem like a victim of a war crime. But it’s OK! You can always just kill them!

Specimen 9: You get it

Akechi: Oh, you can talk? WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘VICTIM OF A WAR CRIME’?

Specimen 9: Unit 731

Akechi: Oh. Well. 

Specimen 9: Both you and Miku are not fucking the skull, sorry

Akechi: I DIDN’T EVEN WA

Miku: I kinda wanted to fuck the clay skull. But for what it’s worth, I’m actually multi country! I originated from Japan, but VOCALOID is worldwide!

Specimen 9: Not happening. Anyway TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

Morbius: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

dislike: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

Alex: TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO TAKE THE DEAD TO 

red: what in innersloth’s name is going on?

Miku: Oh no. They’re a copypasta.

red: what are you even talking ab- at this point, i don’t actually care.

vigi: here’s an actual question for everyone. what’s your favourite movie?

dislike: kung fu wizard of jesus vs undead nazi robot werewolves

red: what the fuck. also, shrek 2.

vigi: no, i’m interested in that first one.

Akechi: I don’t really have a favourite.

Joker: I know you’re a Neo Featherman stan.

Akechi: If it makes you happy, then you can believe that if you want. 

Jesus: The Holy Mountain changed my life in unspeakable ways.

Akechi: I’m not familiar with that one.

Alex: Me neither, but I do know about, uhhhhhh, what’s a movie actually?

vigi: what the fuck?

Alex: We don’t really have whatever those are.

Greg: Did ye no mak’ a refer’nce to playin’ th’ game Omori?

Alex: I learnt what games were during my time in Smash, never really looked at the others though.

vigi: alex, come with me. i have some things to show you.

Alex: Oooooh, cool!

Alex has been paired off

Joker: That’s someone from ‘uwu’. Great name.

Sephiroth: My turn. 

Morbius: Nope.

Sephiroth: I… what?

Morbius: You’re not morbin’ enough.

Sephiroth: I see how it is.

Bezos: Then me. Which one of you is the most famous?

Miku: I mean…

Bezos: I’m going to MASS PRODUCE you, my very MARKETABLE friend.

Miku: That… please don

everyone is then restrained in their seats

Bezos: I’m sorry, did you think you had a choice here? I’m one of the richest people alive. In fact, I’M TAKING OVER THE ENTIRE SHOW AND RENAMING IT ‘PRIME ENTERTAINMENT’!

Miku then shoots him with her gun that she had

Bezos: CURSES!

Bezos bleeds out to death on the floor

Joker: Technically, she was chosen before that by the now dead guy, so I guess you got paired off?

Miku has been paired off

Joker: So the what was the first to be safe.

Bezos: YOU FOOLS, I HAVE 70 ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNTS!

Bezos proceeds to pull out another Bezos from under his jacket

Bezos: AHAHAHAHAHA! AND NOW, THE AGE OF BEZOS CAN BEGI

except he then trips over nothing and breaks his head, dying instantly

Joker: That was underwhelming. Sephiroth, it’s your turn now.

Sephiroth: Ah, yes. The question is simple. What smell does purple taste like true or false.

red: what?

Doofenshmirtz: That means absolutely nothing.

Sephiroth: Fine. Would you dance naked on top of a burning building?

Morbius: With ease. Because I’m Morbius. 

dislike: i cannot physically dance with enough ease to say yes

red: probably

Greg: Aye.

Doofenshmirtz: I have done so before! 

Akechi: What is WRONG with you people?

Jesus: I would do anything for salvation.

Sephiroth: I can’t resist the urge for Gre

Sephiroth suddenly catches the attention of a screen behind him with the head of Doofenshmirtz spinning saying ‘CHOOSE ME’

Sephiroth: I choose Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz has been paired off

Joker: And that’s one from ‘Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz’? Who came up with that?

red: we don’t talk about skipeter

Joker: What the Yaldabaoth is a ‘Skipeter’?

Akechi: What the hell is a ‘Yaldabaoth’?

Joker: Fair play.

also Joker: And next is a question from the orb who seems to be called Galacta Knight.

Galacta Knight: literally just stands there

dislike: meta knight? more like LOSER knight.

Galacta Knight: makes a nodding gesture

Joker: I’m going to count that because otherwise I’m going to be extremely confused.

dislike has been paired off

Joker: One from ‘poo poo bam bum wee wee’? 

dislike: i came up with that

Joker: These are the worst names I’ve seen. Name yourself something interesting, like the Gay Agenda. I actually tried to name the Phantom Thieves that, but I was rejected for some strange reason.

Specimen 9: red because red

red: i’m flattered

red has been paired off

Joker: And we still don’t have anyone from ‘sans undertale gaming’ chosen.

yellow: jesus, i will convert you.

Jesus has been paired off

Joker: Never mind. It comes down to three.

Baldi: 9 - 6 =

Akechi: 3. 

Baldi: You got it!

Akechi has been paired off

Baldi: Wait, no, I don’t like children

Joker: Yeah, but I really want a 1 v 1 between these two. 

Gex: What’s your idea of a perfect date?

Morbius: One that has no children indeed, unlike Drake.

Gex: You understood my way of speaking. I choose him.

Morbius has been paired off

Greg: ARR!

purple: which means…

UWU HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

purple: let’s be honest, you know the drill by now. vote someone to win a prize and someone to get kicked off from uwu.

Knight: moves in a very mocking L shape

purple: so, uh, vote one of them out using the form below!

Alex: Please don’t vote me! I wanna finish collecting some new music discs first. I already got ‘Two Trucks’ from when Morbius sang it!

Omori: …

Greg: Arr, it woud be a mist’ke fer ye to vote me off wh’n th’ scorp’on be here.

Ralph: IF YOU BELIEVE IN ANTI PIRACY LIKE ME AND ARE THEREFORE A GOOD PERSON, VOTE OFF THE PIRATE CRIMINAL SCUM! HE’S THIEVING, STEALING, TAKING WHAT’S NOT HIS!

Chicken: bawk bawk

8: I have much more to accomplish. Please, for the sake of my children, do not vote me off.

purple: form below, see you next episode

voting over sorry :(

Joker: I made it through an episode without actually dyi

Galacta Knight immediately slices through all the guests before flying off

poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt , Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

Rudolf is standing in the middle of the car park

Crow: Why, hello, fellow contestant. We seem to be on this game show together and yet I do not know enough about you. Would you like to take this quick survey that is definitely not intruding upon any private information?

Rudolf: No.

Crow: I see, I see. However, I must insist that you do take this survey. It will help me out for my… scientific research.

Rudolf: No.

Crow: I really would prefer if you did.

Rudolf leaves

Crow: Evidently, he saw through it. 

Rudolf ends up in front of Specimen 8

8: Greetings.

Rudolf: Hello.

8: You seem to be isolated from everyone else. I do not even recall you being in the last challenge.

Rudolf: I wasn’t. Chasing a lead.

8: Why do you isolate yourself in your work? You are empty with it. I can help you free yourself from the chains that bind you.

Rudolf: Get to the point.

8: Is there a point? Does there need to be a point for what I say to be true? I can help you. At the rate you are going, you will be eliminated far too early. You will lose. And what then? Are you really living with what you do? I can bring you true purpose.

Rudolf: What are you trying to do here.

8: I simply want to share something meaningful with you. Help a fellow deer out. 

Rudolf: No ulterior motives?

8: I have no ulterior motives, no.

Rudolf: …what do you want me to do?

8: I simply want you to join a group I am forming. I and Tamatoa are currently the only individuals in it, but we will be expanding soon. An ‘alliance’, if you will.

Rudolf: Fine. I’ll sign up to it. But only if you help me find Joey Steel.

8: With pleasure. I believe I will now be transported to the Skeld. We will talk more.

Specimen 8 is indeed transported to the Skeld

purple: yeah, you know what time it is. it’s time for the emergency meeting! wooooo!

Omori: …

purple: let’s start with prize votes. ralph and specimen 8 got none.

8: Unfortunate.

Ralph: WHY IS EVERYONE SUPPORTING PIRACY?! YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A CAR!

Alex: I would if I could drive!

purple: oof, you’re going to have issues with this challenge. anyway, greg homebrew got one vote.

Greg: Aye, that be bett’r than none.

Ralph: SHUT UP AND START PAYING FOR THINGS THAT AREN’T BEING SOLD!

Greg: Ye arr no helpin’ yer case.

purple: chicken got two votes.

Chicken: bawk

purple: which leaves it down to omori or alex. 

Omori: …

Alex: People actually like me now! I’m so happy!

purple: i mean, you did get 4 prize votes and did win the prize and are therefore safe even if you had gotten more than zero elimination votes. now you can backwards long jump.

Alex backwards long jumps

Alex: I AM SPEED!

purple: reasons here:

• animan studios cultist - alex, please ask dislike this:
  how exactly does a dislike button transition? (Alex)
• Eight. - nice cock. (Chicken)
• White_Tiger - as a certified* voter, i can confirm i LOVE PIRATES(Greg)
• Ohio Rizzler - why not (Chicken)
• G - Understood "Taker" which is based (Alex)
• FacTorial - OMORI SWEEP!!!
  Here's a tip: Don't eat random stuff off the ceiling. That's just gross. Like, do you even know where's it been? (Omori)
• beanist (the old name was a slur apparently) - hhh im running out of reasons man (Omori)
• ADAGE - I'm kinda shocked that R34 was mentioned and it wasn't in reference to Alex (Alex)
• shoop - dream smp has poisoned my brain again. I see Minecraft I give prize (Alex)

Alex: Yo, dislike button!

dislike: i have been summoned

Alex: How exactly do you transition?

dislike: i… don’t actually know. huh.

the dislike button sinks into the floor

vigi: that thing makes me question existence more and more.

purple: elimination votes! again, alex, you got none. same with greg homebrew and specimen 8.

8: My victory is inevitable.

Alex: Woooooo!

Greg: Aye, this be good fer me.

purple: omori, you are next safe with only one vote.

Omori: …

vigi: does that kid ever emote?

purple: so it comes down to the chicken or ralph. one safe with 2 votes, one out with a whooping 6. the same amount as dogma. so, uh, sucks to be you. vote reasons here:

• animan studios cultist - https://youtu.be/o4GZUCwVRLs (Ralph)
• Eight. - never played this game so i don't get the references skullemoji. (Omori)
• White_Tiger - cross my road and hope to chicken (Chicken)
• Ohio Rizzler - Piracy is love, piracy is life (Ralph)
• G - I hunger (Chicken)
• FacTorial - DJ Hallyboo stole my Limited Edition Ceiling Fan, so now I hate anti-piracy on principle.
  Here's a tip: Jaywalking is illegal in several countries. The typical death sentence is by a very persistent firing squad with tons of rubber bullets. (Ralph)
• beanist (the old name was a slur apparently) - cause i love piracy, it’s the one thing i love (Ralph)
• ADAGE - Yar har, fiddle de dee, being a pirate is alright to be! Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate! (Ralph)
• shoop - piracy is pretty cool you know (Ralph)

vigi: what’s on the video link?

purple: guy who explains exactly why piracy is completely morally justified

Ralph: NO! HOW DARE YOU! PIRACY IS AGAINST THE LAW! THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

purple: time cube you go!

Ralph falls into the Time Cube

RALPH THE ANTI PIRACY SCORPION HAS LOST THE GAME

purple: now, this challenge is going to be a race. you’re doing like a wipeout style challenge here. all of you in one of these car things. you should choose a driver and be ready for things to get interesting. good luck!

purple disappears

red: so we have time to 

vigi: ( over intercom ) race starts in 30, 29, 28, 27, 26

everyone jumps in and just sees what will happen

Alex: It can’t be that different from a minecart, right?

Greg: Ye said ye didn’t know how t’ drive? 

Alex: I’m a quick learner!

Greg: I really hop’ ye arr.

vigi: GO.

every car speeds off

Doofenshmirtz: It is time for me to solidify our victory!

red: we’re in third place

Doofenshmirtz: Not for much longer! BEHOLD! THE AUTOMATIC-RACE-WI

it is shot out of his hands

Goomba: NOT TODAY.

the goomba, finally wearing an eye patch, gets out the Brie-Zooka from the Cheese Dimension

Goomba: NOW YOU CAN ROT IN THE UNDERWHERE.

the goomba fires the Brie-Zooka at Doofenshmirtz

Doofenshmirtz: In hindsight, I should have brought more protection before going out in the open. Wait, you’re not Perry the Platypus! I’m not trapped by the status quo! I CAN GO ALL OUT!

Doofenshmirtz pulls out another invention

Doofenshmirtz: BEHOLD! THE DEFLECT INATOR!

Doofenshmirtz deflects the missile from the Brie-Zooka at the track ahead, destroying half of it

Doofenshmirtz: Usually Perry the Platypus would have stopped me by now, but NO MORE!
Springtrap: ( now behind him ) Murder victim says what?

Springtrap is then suddenly wrapped in metal chains

Doofenshmirtz: You tried, but I’m ALWAYS 4 steps ahead!

Springtrap: Damn it.

Doofenshmirtz: AND NOW, NO ONE CAN STOP ME!

g: g

the reverb somehow has no effect on Doofenshmirtz, but does knock the car off course slightly

Charlie: what the fuck is going on? you know what, rudolf, you can take over driving. the top of this sounds more fun.

Rudolf: Sure.

Charlie then hops out and onto the car of uwu

Charlie: hey, fuckers.

Alex: What’s up?

Charlie: Time to burn in hell.

Charlie then throws a fireball at the driver’s seat

Alex: OWIE!

Greg: THAT BE AN UNDERSTATEM’NT TO BEIN’ ON FIRE! 

Greg immediately pulls out a home brew and douses Alex in it

Alex: That’s better.

Greg: Arr, it be time to st’rt playin’ dirty alre’dy.

Greg moves to the top of the car before attaching a NES Power Glove

Greg: Now I be playin’ wi’ powarr. 

Charlie: that’s literally not going to do anything. this will be easier than i tho

a building suddenly flies into Charlie

Charlie: AH, FUCK

Charlie the Chili falls into the abyss

Greg: It be time to expl’re th’ potent’al of this.

sans: hey, pal, that’s not exactly very nice of you. 

Greg: Arr, ye be an enemy here.

sans: if you wanna have a bad time, then step forwa

a static tentacle then imaples sans

Greg: What? That… that be sim’lar to…

sans: YOU DELUDED YOURSELF INTO BELIEVING YOU COULD GENUINELY DISPOSE OF ME? NO. I REFUSE. I WILL SPREAD THE WILL OF THE LORD!

Greg: Com’ at me, ye fetus fundam’ntal’st.

Greg uses the Power Glove to throw a different building at the possessed sans, who dodges

sans: DID YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT WOULD WORK?

sans then fires 5 Gaster Blasters at Greg, killing him, before teleporting to the car of sans undertale gaming

sans: THIS BODY WILL SERVE MY PURPOSES WELL.

Jesus: Is that… static?

sans: WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ASKING IS FOR ME TO SPARE YOU INSTEAD OF SENDING YOU TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG. LAKES OF BURNING SULFUR ARE ALL THAT AWAIT YOU SINNERS AND DEGENERATES.

another sans: hey you should play undertale you can date a skeleton in it and stuff

possessed sans: HOW.

sans: i dunno, just making a recommendation. bye.

sans fires 6 bones at the possessed sans, but they are all ripped apart with static

possessed sans: HAVE YOU NOT LEARNT BY NOW THAT THE UNDENIABLE WILL OF THE LORD IS STRONGER THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO OFFER? GIVE YOUR LIFE TO CHRIST AND THEN YOU MAY EXPERIENCE THIS GLORIOUS POWER.

sans then pulls out the evoker he got all the way in challenge 3

sans: i wonder what this thing does, anyway.

possessed sans: IGNORANCE MAY SEEM LIKE BLISS, BUT I ASSURE YOU, YOU WILL NOT BE TRULY FREE UNTIL YOU SELL YOURSELF TO THE LORD!

sans then puts the gun to his head

sans: oh, i get it now. come, mr bones.

sans shoots himself with the gun, summoning his persona Mr Bones

sans: uh, ravage them or something. megidola.

the possessed sans is instantly evaporated with the power of sans’ persona

Jesus: A Persona. Shouldn’t Goro have something to say about this?

Syphilis: W-w-w-where i-is A-a-akechi?

Akechi is indeed not in the car that is now being knocked off course by the car of poo poo bam bum wee wee

Dude: You know, out of all the victims I’ve killed, I’ve never done vehicular manslaughter before.

Goomba: Probably because it’s accidental. Now, get closer.

the goomba jumps onto the car of sans undertale gaming

sans: oh, you’re approaching me?

Goomba: Nope.

the goomba shoots sans with the Brie-Zooka

Goomba: That was easy.

sans: glad i’m not that guy.

sans reveals himself to have dodged

Goomba: Oh, you wanna brawl, you skeletal shit? Bring it on.  

sans: this will definitely be an enigmatic encounter . ( ba dum tss )

Goomba: THAT WASN’T EVEN A SKELETON PUN.

the blahaj then fires a laser that kills sans but misses the goomba due to the fact that the goomba is 2d

Goomba: Damn, I was looking forward to finally quenching my thirst for blood.

Minos Prime then jumps onto the car

Minos Prime: CRUSH!

and crushes the goomba

Minos Prime: My victory will be certain, and thy failure is already decided!

dislike: guess what

Minos Prime: What?

dislike: meteor shower

meteors rain down over the whole track, breaking it into pieces

Dude: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, WE’RE STILL ONLY ON… how have we already passed lap 2? Eh, who cares, we’re doing well and you just sabotaged everyone else.

Morbius: Hey, what time is it?

Dude: Morbin’ time?

Morbius: Yep.

Morbius jumps out of the car and into the abyss

dislike: was he… aiming there?

Dude: You know, I’m not sure.

g: g

red then vents inside

red: hey, guess what

dislike: spontaneous combustion

red: …what?

red then spontaneously combusts

Dude: What are you?

dislike: one of youtube’s best features that shouldn’t have been removed

back at the car of Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz

Doofenshmirtz: Any last words, Springtrap?

Springtrap: I hate you. Get Springlocked.

a suit falls onto Doofenshmirtz and then closes in on him

Springtrap hits it once, causing a Springlock failure

Springtrap: Yeah, that’s right, take the L. Wait, why aren’t you screaming?

Doofenshmirtz: ( from behind him ) I can’t believe you fell for the old FAKE DOOFENSHMIRTZ trick!

Doofenshmirtz pulls out a ray gun and shoots Springtrap with it, causing the child killer to collapse on the car roof

Rudolf: This level of pre planning is impressive. How does he keep losing where he comes from?

Miku then shoots Doofenshmirtz with the gun

Miku: I hate him too, but we can’t lose again!

Tamatoa: Wait, who’s even driving this? Weren’t you driving this?

Miku: No, it was you, right?

Tamatoa: How are we still alive?

but just as they start to veer off course, something happens to the Postal Dude

Dude: Sorry, teammates, but apparently I’m feeling a little psychotic this challenge.

the Postal Dude then drives the car off the track completely

purple: ok, well now they can’t win, so, uh, i think that means they just come last place, so uh…

POO POO BAM BUM WEE WEE HAS LOST THE CHALLENGE

everyone is teleported out of their cars and into the car park

purple: so, uh, one of you is getting kicked out now.

Crow: Say, where was our companion?

dislike: hey, postal dude, you ok? you kinda said something about being psychotic and then veered so off course we fell off. is there anything going on?

Dude: I don’t know, I just felt the uncontrollable urge to do it. Kind of like I wasn’t in control of myself. Like I had a psychotic breakdown or someth

Akechi: I’m sure it was nothing at all. But if it is continuous, you may want to get it checked out.

Syphilis: W-w-where w-were you th-th-the entire ch-challenge?

Akechi: Hmm? There was a challenge?

Rudolf: Yes. Where were you?

Akechi: I wasn’t informed of this.

Rudolf: We get teleported, how did you avoid it?

Akechi: I really don’t know what you mean. I was catching up with some detective work. There is a chance I do not win, in which case I will be swamped in it again, so might as well try to clear my workload.

Rudolf: You’re lying. I know you’re lying.

Akechi: A bold accusation. I presume it isn’t unfounded and you do have proof for whatever it is you are accusing me of doing instead?

Rudolf: …

purple: ignoring whatever’s going on there, voters, vote someone out and vote someone to win a prize. and also for your favourite contestant in general so they can win the prize that didn’t go through last time. the smile.

Akechi: What is a ‘smile’?

vigi: play item asylum and you’ll find out.

purple: anyway, yeah, vote someone out from ppbbww.

dislike: noncommittal gesture

g: g

Dude: You really gonna kick someone out just because they enjoy their Second Amendment rights?

Morbius: Rise, Morbhead Nation. 

Goomba: Please. This is all I have left.

Blahaj: Bla!

purple: form below, see you next episode!

voting over sorry :(

Tamatoa: Akechi!

Akechi: That is me, yes.

Tamatoa: Just wanted to tell you I’m a big Persona fan, and your character in particular was a standout. Which is why I thought you should know that the funny skeleton can summon a Persona.

Akechi: …HOW.

Tamatoa: The Persona 3 gun.

Akechi: THAT’S WHAT THAT DOES?

Tamatoa: Yep. 

Akechi: …thank you for letting me know this. 

Tamatoa: No problem. I’m going to recruit people now!

Tamatoa leaves

Akechi: …’recruit’? Never mind, I’m alone now. So, Postal Dude, that really was your name. Let’s see… Springtrap.

Phone: No candidate found.

Akechi: Out of all the people, surely he would have a Palace, or at LEAST a Mementos match. I guess he has a different name. I’ll need to find that out.

Crow: I can assist you with that.

Akechi: What the - Oh, hello, didn’t see you there. My apologies.

Crow: You caused Postal Dude to have a psychotic breakdown, correct?

Akechi: Do you have any proof?

Crow: No, not yet. But that was as a ‘let me help you’ rather than a ‘incriminate you’.

Akechi: Thank you for the offer, but given that I am not able to cause psychotic breakdowns here, you sadly have the wrong person. Goodbye.

Akechi leaves

Crow: Never mind. Miku it is, then.

Knight: bumps into the crow

Crow: Why, I am sorry, for I didn’t see you there, fellow contestant.

the crow checks no one is around before leaning down

Crow: Would you be agreeable to an alliance? You could be an exceptional information gatherer, and in return, I can help you regain your true form.

the knight makes a nodding gesture

Crow: It is agreed. Now, there was this train I was once on…

poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet

Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz

uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8

sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt , Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook

the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap

Chapter Text

purple: hi, vigi. how has your co hosting experience so far?

vigi: it’s been.

purple: how do you feel about this next challenge idea?

purple shows vigi a piece of paper. vigi takes the paper, reads it, and very slightly emotes

vigi: are you serious?

purple: b

vigi: have you seen how sadistic this is?

-purple: i’ve seen.

vigi: go ahead, this looks semi interesting.

purple: thank you for your input, my friend who i appreciate.

meanwhile

Chicken: hops forward

red: i genuinely don’t get it. why, out of all the people who exist, did they choose a chicken? purple looks at literally everyone and chooses a chicken. i don’t get it. why are you here? but you know what, you might as well be useful for something.

red attaches a bomb to the chicken

red: still haven’t forgiven that 1920s movie looking fuck for killing me twice. so now you’re going to help me out with a little bit of murder due to being part of their team.

Chicken: BAWK!

red: nope, too late. a chicken isn’t getting it off. hell, i’m surprised you even have the cognitive ability to understand me. but, uh, too late for you, i think.

Springtrap: Ooooh, child murder! My favourite.

red: …oh yeah, he’s 12 years old. …eh, should’ve thought of that before stealing my knife.

purple: scheming is cool and all, but… none of you are getting eliminated yet. never mind.

poo poo bam bum wee wee is teleported to the skeld

purple: so, uh, let’s see. we got 8 votes. and in terms of prize votes, none of those were for the youtube dislike button or morbius.

dislike: i’m improving.

Morbius: Drat.

purple: postal dude and goomba are also not winning the prize, with only one vote each.

Dude: Shit.

Goomba: Seconded.

purple: so it comes down to the letter g and the blahaj. and, uh, the letter g wins with 4 votes, while blahaj does not with only 2.

g: gg

purple: you win the souls of your enemies.

there are swirls around g as it expands in size

Goomba: …what?

purple: voting reasons here:

• Eight. - i desire to live the rest of my life with this Goomba. (Goomba)
• ADAGE - The adorable little plushie gaining “the souls of their enemies” is too good an opportunity to pass up (Blahaj)
• decentperson - ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg (g)
• White_Tiger - when g said g? that gave me goosebumps (g)
• Ohio Rizzler - g (g)
• G - g deserves this (g)
• beanist - i, too, feel a little psychotic. i, too, commit vehicular manslaughter. (Postal Dude)
• seamore buts - tranns rights (Blahaj)

Dude: Hey, I haven’t committed… wait, no, I did that last time, didn’t I? God, I killed so many that I’m losing track of what I have done.

Goomba: Never mind that, how did we lose to A FUCKING LETTER?!

g: g

the goomba is turned into another g

g: g

g: g

dislike: putting the ‘g’ in ‘genetic modification’, i see.

the goomba becomes a goomba again

purple: g would’ve been safe anyway, with only one vote. dislike, postal dude and blahaj also did not get any votes.

Goomba: ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME, HOW AM I ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK HERE?!

Morbius: Shouldn’t have said the ‘Jared Leto’ thing.

purple: and, uh, morbius is out with 4 votes, while goomba stays on with 3. it was a close one.

Morbius: NO! THEY WERE JUST ALL BUSY THAT WEEKEND! YOU CAN’T GET RID OF THE HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIE EVER!

purple: reasons here:

• Eight. - the joke is so old now, just stop. (g)
• ADAGE - Apparently World 1-1 Goomba is the most common cause of death for Mario players. Stand proud, Goomba. You are strong. (Goomba)
• decentperson - lost his eye, 0/10 character development. (don't ask me how this is supposed to make sense) (Goomba)
• White_Tiger - we have to decide to let one of the GOATS go...truly the modern day...idk, prometheus?? (Morbius)
• Ohio Rizzler - i don't like it (Goomba)
• G - Goober just did an oyasumi (Morbius)
• beanist - still not over that he told me to have sex >:( (Morbius)
• seamore buts - dont want him to morb on me (Morbius)

Morbius: OH, I’M ABSOLUTELY GOING TO MORB ON YOU SO HARD

purple: timecube time

Morbius descends into the Time Cube

MORBIUS HAS LOST THE GAME

Skipeter: Erm, what the sigma?

Matt: Oh, great, this minor character.

supply: COULD YOU STOP BEING SO INSULTING AND RUDE?! IT’S NOT GOING TO HELP YOU OUT IN LI

Matt immediately slices off the supply teacher’s legs

Matt: Didn’t ask.

stay puft: what, you still pissy because you got kicked out?

DOGMA: IF YOU ARE SUFFERING, SURRENDER YOUR LIFE TO THE LORD AND HE WILL BRING YOU SALVATION!

Pringles: Ignoring that, wanna play another game of Uno?

GUEST 666: I, GUESDTSZ SIDX SZIDX SIDX, HADFCDBSNVE DECIXDSDE TGO JOINS YSZOUR SGAMEDS OF UDXSNO!!!!!!! AJHAGJHASGHAGUASHGUYASYGBAUSYGSA*I&IYASGI*YUAKSHO(UIIHSNOIUAKHOUAILKJHAUYJAKUHJNHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt: I’m down.

DOGMA: I SHALL SHOW YOU THE TRUE POWER OF THE LORD!

Morbius: Why not.

Nook: Why not try my unique edition? It only costs around 5000 Bells.

PS3 Baby: Liter Ally None Of Us Und Er Stand Your Currency Give Up Alrea Dy

purple: now, before we get on with the challenge, we did a popularity contest, and, uh, only one person got more than one vote. so it is with great indifference that i bestow this smile upon you, hatsune miku.

Miku: How can a smile be indiffereWHAT IS THAT?!

a black ball with at least three eyes and a mouth on a stick is given to hatsune miku

vigi: clearly you haven’t played item asylum.

purple: now, is everyone ready for the challenge?

Akechi: I sadly have personal business to attend to.

Akechi leaves

purple: he’ll come back in a bit.

distant shouts of ‘WORK YOU STUPID APP’ and ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO ONE HAS THAT NAME’ are heard before Akechi comes back with the most fake smile and bloodthirsty eyes

Akechi: Well, my schedule seems to have been freed up.

Crow: Are you feeling alright, my fellow detective?

purple: never mind that. this challenge is simple. so simple that i’m not actually telling you what it is. you’ll figure it out by the end.

Tamatoa: …what? How are we meant to do the challenge if you won’t tell us what it is?

purple: i’m not giving away the objective. but i’ll tell you something. there’s a button there.

purple points to a button

purple: what happens is simple. we’re doing a twist on ‘will you press the button’? this button has a positive and a negative. i had to sift through a lot of buttons that were literally just a version of ‘you have sex but you instantly die’ or something that would raise the rating to explicit, so let me tell you one thing. this is not a ‘don’t press it’. be selective. you should figure out the objective by the end. bye!

purple disappears

autism creature: YIPPEE!!!

Akechi: Well, that is certainly interesting. I wonder what is on the button now?

Crow: Never mind that, what was the issue you ran into earlier? Who’s name is fake?

Akechi: Springtrap.

Crow: I see. And what is it you were attempting to do to SPRINGTRAP?

Akechi: Cause a mental shutdown, since death is permanent. But the name Springtrap is fake, since I refuse to believe he not only does not have a Palace, but also does not have a MEMENTOS hit. EVERYONE HAS A MEMENTOS HIT.

Springtrap: The fuck’s a Mementos? Never mind, get in the car.

Springtrap points a gun at both of them

Akechi: …why?

Springtrap: I figured out the challenge already but I’m not telling. Or, at least, I’ve used the process of elimination. And while I could do this properly, nah, get in the car or I will shoot.

Akechi: What are you

Springtrap: GET IN THE CAR!

Akechi and the Crow get in a car that was in the car park

Crow: (hits Akechi) Yellow car, no returns.

Akechi: …what the hell?

then the car suddenly starts being filled with poison gas

Akechi: ARE YOU KIDD- I AVOIDED DEATH FOR A MORE PAINFUL ONE?!

Crow: I believe wwe arde din as pickcxsle, myc fedxxloow texzammssate

the crow dies

Akechi: MEMENTOS!

Akechi teleports before the gas hits him

Springtrap: And, uh, let’s do something even more fun.

Springtrap walks into the pizza place

meanwhile

Chicken: bawk

the chicken hops to the button and reads the text

SCENARIO: You get unlimited funds BUT with every dollar you spend, a small crack is created in a different bone of you body.

the chicken debates it for a few seconds before remembering they use coins and not dollars

the chicken presses the button and then hops to a shop

Morshu: Lamp oil. Rope? Bombs? You want it? It’s yours, my friend. As long as you have enough Rubees.

the chicken lays out several of their coins on the counter

Morshu: I guess you were just a little richer than me. Take the shop.

Morshu transports back into the CD-I

Chicken: finds a thought translator, takes it

also Chicken: Finally, I can spe

the chicken is then shot with a tranquilizer

red: i have other plans for you.

back at the button

SCENARIO: you have the option to pause time BUT every time you pause time everyone doesnt age but you

Greg: Aye, this be a usef’l sk’ll ev’n if I do no use it.

Greg presses the button

NEW SCENARIO: You can read minds BUT Even when you’re not reading minds, there’s a very faint psychic impression that everyone’s disappointed in you or dislikes you.

Springtrap: (shoots Greg 5 times with a poisoned bow and arrow) Give me that, that seems fun.

Springtrap presses the button

Springtrap: These effects probably only last to the end of the challenge, but still, y’all are gonna die.

Springtrap leaves to go back into the pizza place

Doofenshmirtz: (Almost walking into my trap! The ring is a new one.)

Springtrap, having read the mind of Doofenshmirtz, proceeds to start digging

Doofenshmirtz: (What? Let me see what he’s doAHHHHHHH)

Doofenshmirtz is caught in his own, just moved trap, which now has around 56 nails attached

Springtrap: Lmao.

Springtrap leaves as the sounds of pain are heard

sans: hey there, buddy. looks like you’re swimming in LOVE.

Springtrap: Love for what I do. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? By the way, I stole all your ketchup.

sans shows the blue eye

sans: B u r n   i n   h e l l .

sans fires Gaster Blasters at Springtrap, killing him

Jesus: Killing is never the answer. You are no better.

Springtrap: That and, you know, the fact that I ALWAYS come back.

Springtrap presses a detonator, killing sans while Jesus manages to escape the blast

Springtrap: Easy.

elsewhere

Syphilis: W-w-w-what is w-wrong w-w-with th-that q-q-question?

SCENARIO: A horde of llamas eat your legs. BUT You can control the llamas.

dislike: i have no legs, going for it

dislike tries to press the button but only presses herself instead

dislike: …oh.

Syphilis: D-do y-y-you w-want m-m-me to pr-press it f-for you?

dislike: thanks, but it’s kind of an empty sentiment, since you’d just get it.

the dislike button leaves

8: I can simply control the llamas to not eat my legs.

Specimen 8 presses the button

a horde of llamas are about to eat his legs but it stops them

8: Now, my army, let us find Minos Prime and the Chesspiece.

Charlie: what about me? i was part of the anti dislike alliance.

Akechi then appears out of nowhere and releases his Pokeball

Akechi: I figured out the challenge. BALDI. USE MATH QUESTIONS ON THEM.

Baldi: Problem 1. 5 - 6 =

8: Negative one.

Baldi: You got it! Problem 2. 4 + 7 =

Charlie: uhhh, that’s 11, right?

Baldi: You might be smarter than me! Problem 3. (incomprehensible noise)

Charlie: I CAN’T ANSWER THAT.

Baldi: Looks like I’ll have to teach you the basics! (Baldi pulls out a ruler)

Charlie: NO WAIGT PLEASDE UHHHHH 15?

Baldi: I HEAR EVERY DOOR YOU OPEN

Baldi kills Charlie

8: …69.

Baldi: Good guess, BUT YOU’RE SO FAR OFF IT’S PAINFUL.

Baldi kills Specimen 8

Akechi: Thank you for your help. Please return.

Baldi: No problem!

Baldi returns to the Pokeball

Akechi: Now, let’s see about this button.

SCENARIO: Your mother has a terminal illness and will die within the next month BUT You can save her by sacrificing the life of your father

Akechi immediately tries to slam his fist on the button only for it to be hit by the goomba

Goomba: Boring scenario, what’s next?

SCENARIO: you can turn invisible at will BUT your invisibility is unpredictable, wich means you can stay invisible for 3 seconds or 5 years

Goomba: Hell yeah.

Goomba presses the button and turns invisible just as Akechi shoots them 5 times

Akechi: …

Syphilis: A-are you… a-actually, d-d-don’t answer th-that.

Akechi: No, go ahead and finish what you were about to say. I’d love to hear it.

Syphilis: L-look, i-i-it ch-changed!

SCENARIO: You become an animal of your choice BUT You lose all of your human instincts, and you can't think like a human anymore

Syphilis: …oh.

Miku is thrown into the button

red: you’re becoming a dragon, right?

Miku: Yes?

Miku is turned into a dragon

Miku: Help me humans I turned myself into a fire-breathing dragon by accident and can't change myself back!

red: easy enough.

Minos Prime: JUDGEMENT!

Minos Prime and Dragon-Miku collide in the air, resulting in an explosion that kills them both

Akechi: …Mementos.

Akechi disappears again

g: g

SCENARIO: You become God BUT No one believes you

g presses the button

and then, due to the nature of being a god no one believes in, evaporates completely

Syphilis: D-do w-w-we r-r-really n-need this b-button?

and then, a gun is pointed at her

Springtrap: No. Get in the pizzeria. EVERYONE get in the pizzeria. Oh, hold on.

SCENARIO: Any plant you touch will grow rapidly automatically BUT If you ever swallow a seed it will grow up from your stomach through your throat until you die from suffocation

Springtrap presses the button before planting flowers around the button, touching them and blocking all access to it

Springtrap: Now no one will press the button. Now, who would like to challenge me?

Syphilis: …

Syphilis steps forward

...right into a spike trap

Springtrap: How easy. Now, I believe we are missing 5 individuals. But no matter. We have the other alive people.

Dude: I’ll enjoy watching you suffer, child murderer.

the Postal Dude pulls out a shotgun only to collapse on the floor

Springtrap: I laced a drink you took earlier with hydrochloric acid.

Tamatoa: You’re… actually on my tea

Springtrap disappears

Rudolf: Knight, Tamatoa, Blahaj, Jesus. We’re going into enemy territory. I’m not sure what the challenge is, or where the others are, but we have to deal with him before anything else.

Knight: nodding gesture

Tamatoa: Sure, he’s kind of a massive dick anyway.

Blahaj: Bla.

Jesus: I will not let him take any more lives.

as the five prepare to storm the pizzeria, Alex and Omori are talking at a bench

Alex: I’ve never heard of bill wurtz, but he actually sounds really interesting!

Omori: nods

Alex: Do your friends like him as well?

Omori: shrugs

Alex: How come you found out about him

Omori: Sunny surfs the internet when he’s not dreaming.

Alex: Oh, yeah. Kinda forgot you were just someone’s dream. Weirdly suicidal dream. Well, I mean, I played a game about your experience, and I know why.

Omori: …

Alex: Wait, that was really insensitive, wasn’t it? (I knew that word of the day calendar was a good decision!)

Omori: It’s fine.

Alex: You sure? It’s OK if it’s not fine.

Omori: …

then red bursts in

red: hi.

with the chicken who has a bomb strapped to them

red: wanna know what revenge is like?

red throws the chicken at them and there is a large explosion

red then sees that while Alex is now dead, Omori did not succumb.

Omori became FURIOUS

Kel, Aubrey and Hero appear

red: god fucking dammit.

the friends charge at red, who simply pulls out their knife

red: wanna go?

red used IMPALE on Kel

IT HIT RIGHT IN THE HEART!

KEL became TOAST!

red: and, uh, since you can revive and shit…

red eats the TOAST that was once Kel

red: let’s see, that makes the other two distraught enough for me to

Omori then slices at red multiple times, killing them

Springtrap: And now, it’s just me and you. All the others died. But now it’s just you, apparently.

Omori turns to see the rabbit, covered in blood and other fluids

Springtrap: Always did have a penchant for

Akechi: Pardon the intrusion.

Akechi points a gun at Springtrap

Akechi: It really would be best for you to surrender here.

dislike: wait i’m still here

Springtrap fires a gun at the youtube dislike button, breaking her apart

Springtrap: You were saying?

Akechi: And let me guess, the blood you’re covered in is from the others?

Springtrap: No, someone else’s. Ah, they’re in the pizzeria.

Springtrap presses a button as the pizzeria explodes

Springtrap: Now it’s just us three. Soon to just be me.

Springtrap points his gun at Akechi

Springtrap: Any last words?

Akechi: I can cause a mental shutdown at will. Opposing me would be useless.

Springtrap: Got a mind reading ability earlier. You need a name. And you don’t know mine, do you? So, uh, looks like that’s not happening. Damn, when you’re this useless, no wonder your father is able to manipulate you for years.

Akechi: I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR SPINE, YOU LEPORIDAE BASTARD!

Springtrap shoots Akechi 5 times

Springtrap: Damn, no more ammo in this. Anyway, one last person here. Oooh, and they’re a child! Even more fun.

Springtrap turns to Omori

Springtrap: Ready to die?

Omori does a salute with the knife

Springtrap: Cute, but that won’t save you. Your whole dream friend shit got stopped, didn’t it? Now you have nothing on

Omori summons Basil

Springtrap: …oh, shit.

Omori and Basil release energy on Springtrap, who gets covered in red hands and vines

Springtrap: Maybe choosing that ability was a mistake.

the vines rapidly grow and dismantle him completely

purple: and that’s done! yeah, it was a last person standing type deal. well, last three standing.

everyone is revived and immediately several people glare at Springtrap

red: yeah, could we send this guy out, please? he’s basically just me if i was not actually interesting.

purple: actually, the final three survivors were omori, springtrap and akechi, so all of them are safe.

Minos Prime: CURSES!

Charlie: WHAT THE FUCK

Akechi: Why did you not stop it when I WAS STILL ALIVE?!

purple: to determine order of new teams. next challenge, we’re doing a reshuffle, and you get to pick who goes on your team taking turns, starting with omori. this is necessary because we’re kicking out 5 people now. as the winner, though, omori will also get a rejoiner! not one who’s about to be eliminated, though. that would be logistically undoable.

Goomba: ALL THE PEOPLE WHO GOT ELIMINATED ARE WORSE THAN THOSE CURRENTLY IN, AND THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THAN THOSE IN MY TEAM ARE THE OTHER INCOMPETENT CUNTS IN THE OTHER TEAMS.

purple: shouldn’t have died, then. yeah, anyone currently in the timecube, so apparently everyone except reagan who was ritually sacrificed, is able to come back! fair tradeoff for 5 people, right?

Dude: Sure, why not?

purple: that’s the spirit! and, uh, yeah, 5 of you are getting kicked out other than omori, springtrap and akechi.

dislike: that’s good to know. vote me off, i’ll gain more power

g: G

Dude: If you get rid of me, I won’t take offense. If you take offense when I shoot off your reproductive organs, that’s just your problem, you know?

Goomba: WHY IS EVERYONE INSANE?! Never mind, just don’t vote me unless you want to see what happens when you run out of extra lives.

red: honestly, i feel like i’m one of the more interesting contestants here. i mean, there’s literally a chicken. you sure you want me out of all people? what, not a fan of the ‘amogus sussy baka imposter’?

Charlie: incomprehensible. anyway, uh, i would appreciate not being voted thank you ^_^

Knight: moves in an L shape to show how much of an L voting them would be

Rudolf: …

Doofenshmirtz: I may have been robbed of my victory here, but I WILL SUCCEED! And I can only do that with your loyal support. So as a politician on Opposite Day would say, don’t vote me! Get it, get it? Because, you know, it’s Opposite Day, so, yeah, you get it.

Alex: I don’t get it. Please someone tell me what a politician is!

Greg: That be concernin’. Also, do NOT s’nd me to th’ scorp’on. He be insuff’rable.

Chicken: BAWK!

8: Your flesh will sustain my children if you elect to remove me.

Syphilis: P-p-p-please d-don’t, I a-actual-l-ly think I m-might h-h-have a ch-chance here!

Crow: I have access to personal information that I may unfortunately have to leak if worst comes to worst.

Jesus: I will bear this cross if I mu-

a small static tentacle retracts into the ground

Jesus: I have a divine goal. As much as I would not mind being eliminated, I would also appreciate staying in to save everyone from those who misinterpret my work.

sans: i’m too lazy to care.

Minos Prime: Thy crimes against humanity will not be forgotten if thy eliminate me after all my hard work!

Tamatoa: I’m the only one spreading the truth about Toad Factory, that’s all I’m saying.

Miku: Please do not be thinking Miku, miku, no-e-oo.

and in the timecube