Chapter Text
The Serpent's carnations - Chapter 14
Aziraphale follows Crowley to the living room and sees him opening a drawer. He picks up an old piece of paper and holds it out to Aziraphale. He gently grabs it and sits down before reading. His heart was beating faster every second. Crowley wasn't acting like he normally does. It was like they jumped back in time to the first days after they met. He unfolds the paper, it was a piece of a newspaper.
"Two men killed by a giant snake".
Aziraphale glances at Crowley before reading further. He was staring at him, his eyes almost fully yellow due to the thin shape his pupils took.
"After years without causing trouble, the giant snake living on the outskirts of town strikes again. Two lives were lost after approaching it, the other present left the crime scene injured. The families of the deceased ask the people to leave it alone to avoid more losses".
"Is this... True?" Aziraphale asks trembling.
"It wasn't the first time either" Crowley states.
Aziraphale stays silent moving his eyes around that page, desperately trying to find something that would disprove everything.
"You should go now".
"I don't believe this" Aziraphale whispers.
"What?".
"I said I don't believe this".
He looks at Crowley refusing to let his tears fall.
"If you didn't believe it you wouldn't be scared right now".
"But it's missing something important. Why it happened and how it happened. If you're going to show me this article then I want it written properly".
Aziraphale puts down the paper and holds his hands nervously.
"I don't have other newspapers for you to read".
"Then you're going to tell me yourself" he says with panic in his voice.
"No".
Aziraphale stares back at Crowley.
"I'm not leaving until I know the full story".
"Then feel free to stay because I'm not telling you another word".
Crowley starts to slither back to the hallway. Nothing was going well. Aziraphale thinks of a way to stop him, to bring him back to talk to him.
In the heat of the moment as he sees Crowley further and further away he says "You never tell me anything. Why won't you tell me anything?".
No answer.
"I know you weren't always a snake".
Crowley stops.
"You slowly became one right?".
"How do you know that?" he grumbles without looking back at him.
"I found notes about it in one of your books, it was about snakes" Aziraphale states feeling some regret towards his approach.
"Where is it?".
"It's in my bedroom".
He sees Crowley moving fast and hears noises right after. As he's about to get up he sees Crowley rushing in and tossing the book in the fireplace. He quickly lights up a match and throws it in. Aziraphale runs and picks up the book before it catches on fire.
"Give it to me".
"No, you're not burning a book".
"I said give it to me!" Crowley screams with despair-filled tears streaming down his face.
Aziraphale looks at Crowley panting and slowly hands him the book. He tosses it back into the small fire and watches it burn.
"Are there more of these notes?" he asks.
"I'll get them for you" Aziraphale says with that scream still echoing inside his mind.
He grabs the pile of books while Crowley watches as the fire consumes the old pages. Aziraphale sits down a few steps away from him and looks at the fire too. He starts handing some of the books to Crowley, only the ones that have notes written by those two people. Most of the books are burned.
"This one's notes are from a kid" he says with the astronomy book in his hands "I was trying to figure out what happened to that child and who I assumed were his parents".
Crowley looks at the book and Aziraphale gives it to him. He looks down expecting to hear the flames envelop another book but he hears nothing. He looks at Crowley and he's staring at it. He was filled with anger but that book unlocked something different inside his mind. He gently opens it and Aziraphale watches him flip through the pages. The fire burns out leaving only ashes in its place.
"He never got the telescope" he whispers as he closes the book a few moments later.
"Do you know what happened to him?".
Crowley looks at Aziraphale and stares deep into his eyes for a few seconds.
"I do" he says and looks back at the book "But you don't actually care, you're just curious. And I'm tired of curious people messing with my life like it's worthless".
"I didn't-".
"You didn't what? You didn't lie? You didn't hide this from me? You didn't stay just to find out the end of this story like it's just another one of your books? Don't bother coming up with excuses. Go back to your fancy library. Take your stupid book with you. And leave me alone".
Crowley takes the astronomy book with him to his room and slowly closes the door.
Aziraphale stays at the same place unable to move. He feels his conscience floating, dissociating from that moment. His vision gets cloudy and a few lonely tears roll down his face. The thoughts inside his head race one after the other. That man called Crowley a murderer. The article pointed to the same thing. Crowley himself confirmed it. But he wouldn't do something like that. That man wasn't thinking straight. The article is incomplete. Crowley's just being grumpy again.
Aziraphale tries to hold onto those ideas but they slip through his fingers. He knows what the truth is, but it's hard to believe when it is something like this. And maybe there's more to the story. Maybe, and just maybe, it was all a misunderstanding. At least that's what he hopes. But Crowley won't tell him, not after what he did. He shouldn't have read those damned notes. He never saw Crowley like that before. The way he acted, the pain in his voice. It all confirms that those notes must truly have been about him. That doesn't help, it only makes Aziraphale feel worse. His mind gets swarmed by different ways to try and fix things. None of them are good enough. He lets the tears dry on his face.
"I don't know how to fix this" he utters.
He feels unable to help. It could be that Crowley would be better alone. His presence seems to have dismantled all of his stability. But leaving him alone at that moment was cruel. He won't push his limits, that will only aggravate their situation. He just needs to let him know he's not alone. As he thinks about the best way to the that, he walks to his room and finds his small notebook. All the notes were written there. He looks at the pages and rips them out one by one.
"This was a mistake" he thinks as he takes those pages to the fireplace.
In his room, Crowley carefully puts down the book. His every movement had to be actively thought out as if his mind was too busy to carry him. He uses his last efforts to get himself in bed. His whole body had a slight trembling that only he could feel. He could hear his heart beating fast to the point it was painful.
"Everything is going back to normal" he mutters.
He will continue living in his house close to his plants and away from people. But why does it hurt to have things back? The things he so desperately wanted to get back. His piece, his routine, his environment, everything the way he wants without any interference. Aziraphale will leave and he'll have it all back. That's what he wants. But it hurts and it will continue to hurt, he knows that. Hope has broken him once more. He's angry that he allowed that to happen. That feeling, that useless feeling, it shouldn't have returned. It will die off again, permanently this time Crowley wishes. It shouldn't be too much to ask. But he had another problem at the moment. He's remembering everything.
These memories weren't forgotten or taken away, but they were kept at a great distance. They aren't good. Crowley lived them once, he doesn't want to relive them over and over again. But the gates are open now, and all the memories are rushing in like a river of unheard cries for help. All his senses were overwhelmed with past events and there was nothing he could do. All he's able to do is close his eyes and stay still until it passes. It will all pass and go back to normal, everything will be as it once was.
He stays in his room, completely blind to the passing of time, and ends up hearing a knock on the door. It sounded real. He opens his eyes and sees something sliding in from under the door. As he grasps reality better he hears steps moving away from his door. There was a small piece of paper on the floor. Without giving it much thought he moves in its direction. It looked like a page ripped from a notebook and it had something written on it.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. You don't have to talk. Take your time. I'm here if you need me".
Crowley reads the letter slowly, taking in every word. He could still feel a hint of fear coming from Aziraphale. It pains him to see him scared again but he knows he can't judge him.
"I would be scared too" he whimpers and holds the paper close to him.
But what Aziraphale felt the most was concern.
Crowley thinks. He clears out a small space in his mind, like the eye of a tornado, and stays there. He knows he can't leave his room, not yet at least. He wonders how long he would have to stay there for Aziraphale to leave. He knows there's no answer to that question. If he stays there long enough Aziraphale will come to check on him. But why is he still there? Could it be solely because he wants to know the truth? Or is his concern real? Crowley doesn't know anymore. He's tired. As soon as he loses focus, his memories surround him again with no time to lose. With all that chaos he finds it hard to see but there was something still lurking inside his mind. It is like a ghost, present in every heartbeat. It's the last glimpse of hope, hiding in plain sight. That note Aziraphale left him was keeping it there, haunting him.
Crowley opens his eyes as he hears nothing but silence. His head hurts but at least the thoughts seem to have calmed down. It was already dark outside, it had been for a few hours now. He leaves his room to go get a glass of water. After looking around the hallway he doesn't see Aziraphale anywhere. But as he passes by the living room he hears something. He gets closer to the couch and sees Aziraphale sleeping there holding onto the book they were reading. He didn't look comfortable, he most likely didn't mean to fall asleep there. Crowley looks at him for a second thinking of what to do. He calls for him.
"Aziraphale?" he says almost whispering.
He sees him move slightly for a couple of seconds but then he immediately wakes up and rushes to leave the couch. He almost steps on Crowley as he tries to go towards the hallway. When he notices him there he stops.
"Crowley" he says "Are you- How are you feeling?".
He struggles to find the right words with his brain still half asleep.
"I just came to get a glass of water" he answers.
"Yes, of course" he answers holding onto his own hands.
"Why were you sleeping there?".
"I didn't mean to" he says picking up the book that fell with all that commotion.
They stay silent for a couple of long seconds.
"I want to say I'm sorry" Aziraphale states "I shouldn't have hidden those notes, I shouldn't have read them either. I could try to explain but there's no excuse. I'm sorry that I did that and I'm sorry for what it made you go through. But you don't have to explain what happened. I'm sorry".
Aziraphale tries his best to maintain eye contact with Crowley as he apologizes.
"Why are you still here?" he asks with a numb tone of voice.
"I didn't want to leave you like this. I'm usually good at fixing things. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do this time".
"If you're talking about me, I don't need fixing. I've been doing fine".
"No, it's not you. I don't know how to fix what happened today".
Aziraphale holds the book close to himself.
"What happened today" Crowley says measuring his words carefully "Wasn't completely your fault. I appreciate your apology for the notes. But that's the only thing you're to blame for".
"But that man only said those things because I was there, he probably wouldn't have said anything to you".
"That doesn't make it your fault. He's always trying to hit a nerve and today he succeeded. It's not your fault. If anything it's mine. I wasn't ready to be reminded of those memories. I just want to forget everything. And I didn't want you to know. You're the only person who isn't afraid of me. But you still got scared. It's not your fault, I would be scared too. I just wasn't prepared".
He takes a moment to breathe and avoid waking up his memories.
"I'm sorry" he says "I know you aren't going to stay much longer anyway but I don't want you here if you don't feel safe".
Aziraphale takes a few seconds to think on what to say.
"I know what you said is true, and that article confirmed it. But it's hard to believe that you would do something like that".
"I didn't want you to find out like this".
Aziraphale stays quiet and glances at Crowley a few times, seemingly wanting to ask for something but unable to bring himself to do it.
"What?" Crowley asks.
"Nothing, it's nothing. I shouldn't ask".
"Ask what?".
"If today didn't happen the way it did, how would you have liked for me to find out?".
He thinks silently. If it was up to him, he would prefer that Aziraphale never knew. But if he had to tell him it wouldn't be like this.
"You don't have to tell me the story of that day. I just want to know how you would have told me".
"I..." Crowley says unable to form a full sentence.
He looks at Aziraphale's blue eyes shining in the dark of the night. He slithers away slowly, glancing at Aziraphale to show he will be right back. He patiently waits and some minutes later Crowley returns with some food and water.
"I would bring you something to eat" he says still somewhat distant in his thoughts "I would ask if I could talk to you. I would say that it's something serious. And then I would show you that newspaper".
He stops for a second and Aziraphale lets him take his time.
"I would tell you that you can leave if you want. And if you were willing to listen to me I would answer your questions, tell you more than what's on that paper. Or I would try at least".
"It isn't easy for you to talk about that, is it?" Aziraphale asks gently.
"Not really".
"Well, thank you for telling me how you would have told me. I think it would have gone better for the both of us".
Aziraphale picks up a strawberry from the plate Crowley brought and eats it.
"I don't know if I can answer your questions now. But I can still tell you what happened that day".
"You don't have to" Aziraphale clarifies.
"I know I don't. But I think I would like to try to fix things too".
Aziraphale scotches away from Crowley and gestures for him to get on the couch. Both their hearts beat fast as he slithers up the couch rolling up next to Aziraphale. He takes a deep breath and feels his memories creeping up on him. He's not sure why he's doing that. Maybe if he does it this way Aziraphale will forget what happened earlier.
"It doesn't change anything" he thinks "Even if he were to forget the story will stay the same".
He could scare Aziraphale for him to leave but that doesn't seem right. He could've also stayed quiet. Even better, he could have stayed in his room. But something keeps pulling him towards Aziraphale. He contemplates all the information inside his mind and tries to isolate the memories that matter at the moment.
"Might as well tell him now that I remember" he thinks.
But it's easier said than done. The words wouldn't come out. Aziraphale gives him time, he doesn't want to be pushy in an already stressful situation, be he notices Crowley struggling.
"It's okay" he says softly "It will be okay".
Crowley looks at him nervously and gathers his strength to start talking. After a deep breath, Crowley recounts the events of that day.
Author's note
Here's chapter 14 of "The Serpent's carnations"! Crowley seems to have a lot of secrets but the truth is starting to come out. What do you think happened on that day? I apologize if there were any spelling mistakes. If you'd like to know when chapters come out you can check me out on YouTube or Instagram, I'll be posting there when there's an update. And if you'd like to have early access to the next chapter and a couple of extra drawings you can check my Patreon too! All my socials are linked here. Thank you again for reading and what do you think will happen next?