Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"DIEMOTHERFUCKER THE WORLD IS ANARCHY–"

Shell groans and gropes at her annoying alarm clock, which is playing sparkly American pop music. On the floor, we can see magazines of women who have more surface area on their nails than their clothes, which Shell has looked for excessively on online stores in preparation for any pool parties she is sure she'll get invited to.

She is not into men. Oh no, she isn't. She is women. She likes women. Those phrases are embedded in the primitive senses that prevent death, and make up half of the limited knowledge she has of the world; the sky is blue, the grass is green, and Shell likes women. 

However, for the sake of the American high school trope, we're going to pretend being women is straight.

"SHELL, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" yells her mother from downstairs. Oh no. She has forgotten that her new school starts in- half an hour?! 

Panicked, Shell grabs her emo rock MP3 player and her black headphones, shoves the buttered toast into her mouth and flies out of the room.

“I'm going to be so late!" Shell says tearfully, as her short skirt flies and she sprints somehow five blocks to school.

The school bell rings just as Shell enters the classroom she is in. Homeroom will start now. Nervously, Shell passes the gangster kids and the makeup kids to her seat at the corner of the room, in time for the female blonde teacher to begin.

"Alright kids, we have a new student today. Introduce yourself or I will make you bleed out and stain the cream carpets red!"

The room goes quiet. Shell is sweating, but she smiles like a sunshine and introduces herself. "Hi, guys! My name's Shell Shellity Shelly Shellers, but you can call me Shell! It's nice to meet you! I just moved here from the Mariana Trench, so I'm not used to society. notice me senpai!"

"That's for video games," someone calls.

Shell flushes. "Sorry. I mean, nice to meet you!"

She catches the eye of this MYSTERIOUS helper, and Careless Whisper starts playing as she melts into her chocolate brown eyes and short stature, and mousy brown hair. 

At this point, she's making up alternative names for brown, but who cares! Stranger is hot. Stranger is a woman. It is mercy that Shell does not possess a male genital or her desire would be displayed publicly to everyone.

"..ell? Shell. SHELL!"

Shell is ripped out of her trance and sees mean teenagers giggling at her nerdy weirdness. The teacher glares at her and she quickly sits down.

The teacher sighs. "Dismissed. Leave me."

I haven't slept with you yet!  Shell thinks angrily. What is there to leave? I might be a woman enjoyer, but you're not even hot!

Anyway. Shell is derailing due to the presence of the gloriously beautiful MYSTERIOUS woman in her vicinity. She does not feel worthy of her gaze. She shouldn't even be breathing the same air as her. She sees the girl casually lip-bite and twerk behind the teacher's back.

God, she's sexy.

Holy crap.

Shell stares in horror at her desk. Sure, she's an avid appreciation of women, but she's never felt this warmth in her core this strongly! The last person that came this close to making her come this close to them was the hentai waifu breasting boobily from- three nights ago!

What power does this magical, amazingly hot girl have to make her as excited as 2D women?

I must learn this power! And get laid! Sex!

*

At lunch, Shell begins to sit alone, when the jockity jocks slam her table. "Hey, nerd! Why are you eating alone? Are you gonna watch hentai?" She is surrounded by a round unpleasant 'haugh haugh haughs' and is about to confirm that she does have a collection when she is interrupted by a yell.

"EY YOU FATHER INTERCOURSE MOTHER CONSUMING BLOODY SOGGY DUCKS, LEAVE HER ALONE!" The MYSTERIOUS woman from earlier jumps in and punches the bullies away and he slams into the table, which is apparently legal. 

The jock and his gang looks up in shock at this tiny woman, who is T-posing her dominance on the table. "Itsa me, Marios dicka sucka."

The jock scowls and says. "Let's go, these nerds aren't worth my time." They leave.

" A r E  y O u  O k A y ? " The MYSTERIOUS hot girl does a backflip over Shell's lasagne and lands tails up, which means that she will be allowed to take a bite of the lunch. She looks in concern at Shell.

Shell blushes furiously, but hides it by redirecting the redness to the back of her stomach lining. Now's my chance to get laid! She leans across the table and says, "Damn girl, is it winter? Because-"

"Oh, no, it's summer!" Mysterious Hot Girl says conversationally, laughing as if she's talking about the weather. Which she is.

Shell defates and nods. This is terrible.

Chapter Text

Shell's day at school was one of the worst in her life, if only for the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger not being in any of her other classes. The word about Shell’s weirdness must have spread, because she was constantly having to look past disgusting boys. How was she going to last if she didn't have the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger to lose herself in?

Shell is forgetting the original plan - get laid ASAP.

At least she can plan out her pickup lines instead of paying attention in class.

Shell panics for a second. What if he MYSTERIOUS hot girl was into smart women? Shell would be screwed!

Shell closes the google doc full of cheesy pickup lines and sexy body positions and ways to kabedon people without removing clothing and looks at the teacher, who is explaining the equations on the board. Shell is going to pay ATTENTION, if it was only for the MYSTERIOUS hot woman who she is daydreaming about having glorious, glorious sex with.

Shell takes out a pen with 15 minutes left in the lesson and takes some notes. She really needs to find out more about the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger, so she can avoid as much work as possible.

If she is into smart women, Shell would do anything to be the smartest in their year.

Anything for the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger.

-

Finally the last period's bell ends. Shell hasn't seen the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger since she screwed up at their last meeting. After a full school day she has to make a good impression, otherwise she might never get laid!

Shell grasps her bag and practically runs to the only entrance out of the school. She will ‘accidentally’ run into the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger, they will talk, they will feel sexual attraction, they will go home together and fuck all night. Perfect.

Shell is the first student out of the gage and pretends to be texting someone on her phone. She can imagine the day when she and the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger are flirting through discord when they are supposed to be doing work.

Students are coming through the gate and all Shell can only see tall sporty boys chatting to their girlfriends. Those idiots, if only they could see how beautiful the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger is! Actually, that would give her more competition, so maybe it's for the best these random peoples ignore her one beloved.

Shell can't see the stranger anywhere. This is the only gate in or out of the school, she checked when THE MYSTERIOUS hot stranger left her in shambles.

Shell is distracted by the gate when she finally spots the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger - getting into a car!

How did Shell miss her, how could she! How will she ever get laid if she can't even find her MYSTERIOUS hot stranger in the middle of the crowd?

Shell starts running towards the stranger's car. If she leaves, her plan to get with her TONIGHT will all be for nothing!

Shell doesn't bother to look to see if any cars are coming. Luckily Shell has ears so she knows if she runs a little slower, the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger will be gone and Shell will be squished by a car!

Suddenly the car door opens and the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger walks out! Shell is going to burst with joy!

“Are you gonna miss your train? Do you need a lift?”

The MYSTERIOUS hot stranger is talking to Shell! The plan to get laid stays the same!

“Who, me? I dunno, the early train is already gone and the next one takes forever, but I could still go! Probably?”

Shell is speaking quickly, incredibly quickly, only because she wants to hear the MYSTERIOUS stranger's beautiful voice sooner!

“Get in, you're gonna be lost out here forever. Didn't you say you moved here from the Mariana Trench? I don't think trains work down there”.

Shell is smiling widely and is nodding along to everything the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger is saying.

“Yep! My name is Shell, though not really but call me Shell, can you tell me yours?”

Shell inwardly groaned. That was not the introduction she had planned out in her Google Doc.

“Hey Shell, you can call me Mcdonalds”.

“Oh, McDonalds? No wonder, every McDonald's I go to is so hot.”

Shell realizes what she has said. Shell is cringing with every part of her body, except for the parts that are admiring the MYSTERIOUS hot stranger's - no, McDonald's wonderful, beautiful body.

“I think your pickup lines need some work. Anyway, where am I dropping you?”

Shell thinks back to her Google Doc. She can't mess this one up, or else her plan will be totally out the window!

“I can just go to your house, my parents won't be home for a while and they can pick me up at, maybe 8 or something”.

Shell holds her breath. This must work!

“Alrighty then, but I'm warning you, I am a singer and will be practicing”.

McDonalds is a singer? That's so hot!

“That will be amazing, your voice is so beautiful it will be amazing to listen to!”

Shell kicked herself. She really needed a better filter.

“This has me thinking you have ulterior motives! Anyway, my house is about 10 minutes from here, get in”.

Shell was grinning so widely she thought her face would fall off. Her plan was working! Sex with the hot McDonalds!

"Stop right there," says a curt blond girl with curly hair.

The two of them snap their heads at the newcummer in shock. "McDonalds, have you forgotten our group project tonight? Were you about to drive away with a random, UNNATRACTIVE nEw GiRl wearing a– a singlet?! The singlet is probably to show off the only asset she has!"

"That's wonderlicious!" says McDonalds. She had not been paying attention. She was making sex scenarios in her head with Sonic the Hedgehog, her online boyfriend. The newcummer knows this.

Shell does not know this, and is only thinking of this evil, blond haired bastard trying to steal Mcdonalds away from her and Shell's only chance to have glorious, sexy, hot, arousing, mindblowing sex for the rest of Shell's life.

So she decides to utilise her big cards.

"Um, who are YOU?!!" Shell says nastily, swaying her ass and boobs in McDonalds' direction in hopes of getting said girl in the mood for some sex. Preferably with her. "I literally just made plans with McDonalds. You're, like, so rude.. What's your name anyway, Whore??"

"ExCYUUZE me?!!???!!" The newcummer flips her hair. "My name is Cliff. SUICIDE Cliff, but my DEAR childhood friend McDonald's calls me Sui Cliffy D:<."

"Suicide." Shell rolls her eyes. "God, looking at you makes ME want to suicide."

OOOoooohhh!!! The nearby trees scream in delight at the fucking horrible attempt at roasting.

Cliff bends over, breaks her kneecaps and starts laughing while she gnaws at them. "Haugh haugh haugh"

“Didn’t you say you had a group project to do with Mcdonalds? You have so many wrinkles in your forehead you have probably had this project for a couple decades that the very least”.

“What’s your name, Shell? You can’t talk about wrinkles when you look to be nearing 5 decades”.

It is Mcdonalds turn to break her kneecaps and burst out laughing at both girls arguing outside her car.

Shell smirks. "Oh yeah? I'm not gonna waste time on you. McDonalds, cmere, mommy will buy you a Lambo instead of a cheap ass Nissan."

"No, if you come to Cliffy, Daddy will buy a shiny new Ferrari for her little kitten."

McDonalds strikes a pose and throws the cover off of her seemingly cheap Nissan to reveal the most superior car brand.. a Toyota.

Shell and Cliff collapse and cover their eyes, which are being blinded by its glory.

"As you can see girls," Mcdonald's voice is a lofty voice echoing from the heavens. "I am a good actor. I can pretend to be a bottom, but in actuality I am a superior Alpha Wolf Sugar Mommy."

She starts crawling on the floor and chanting. "I'm the alpha, I'm the leader, I'm the one to trust! Together we so whatever it takes, we're in this pack for life, AWOOOOOOOOOO WE'RE WOLVES WE OWN THE NIGHT!!!3?4&927;;("""

All of them are still outside the school.

ANYWAYS, Cliff and Shell have both been impressed and aroused by McDonald's bravery to say such wise words in front of the whole school, which is now gaping at them in sheer terror of McDonald's Alpha Wolf Leader Senpai energy. Everyone immediately starts prostrating in front of them and spontaneously stripping, in bloody and sexy defiance of the rules of society- wait wrong story, nvm.

ANYWAYS, Cliff and Shell are now both incredibly turned on by McDonald's inherent basic hot VSCO gurl-ness. Shell breaks out of the haze of arousal first, hopping into the front seat of McDonald's Toyota Corolla to easily flirt with her, while Cliff is still dumbfounded at the sheer power her group partner exudes.

“Well, are we going to your house or not, bbg?” Shell says calmly, as if she was not incredibly turned on a moment ago. This is the power of a poker face, as well as a prepared and memorized Google Doc.

McDonald's then descends from the heavens to grace them with her shining presence. “Sure! Cliff, wanna come along?”

Cliff, who is currently still frozen from her lesbian realization, immediately enthusiastically nods in response and grins widely at the chance to spend time with her new beloved, before promptly remembering about Shell’s existence.

“Alright,” She says with obvious hesitance.

“McDonalds, we are going to do the project. I will not allow some random girl to be the reason for our project being handed in late”.

Shell sighs as Cliff gets in the backseat of McDonald’s beautiful Toyota. Although her Google Doc had not foreseen competition from fucking Suicide Cliff (seriously, what the fuck is that name?)Shell has been victorious in getting to go to McDonald’s house, regardless of how her social image would have been butchered because of stupid Cliff.

Shell jolts as the car starts up and McDonalds drives.

Shell looks to see Cliff in the back seat, and then immediately regrets it when she realizes what the speed limit is, and how fast McDonalds is driving.

At least if McDonalds kills them all, Shell could sneakily fuck her before she died.

Shell is daydreaming about it while Cliff lectures McDonalds about not doing her part of the project.

Chapter Text

Shell is so happy to finally be at McDonalds house alive.

She’s pretty sure McDonalds was speeding the whole way except for the speed cameras which, of course, is so incredibly sexy.

She would have been busy staring at McDonalds if it wasn’t for the one obstacle standing in her way to having the best sex of her life.

Suicide fucking Cliff.

Shell could feel her gaze for the whole car ride, and as she stands in front of McDonald’s house, she knows the she will not get a moment alone with McDonalds while Cliff was here.

Shell had to decide her plan of attack - without a Google Doc.

Shell pulls at her black singlet, side eyeing Cliff while McDonalds unlocks the house.

“You touch McDonalds, I kill you”.

Shell can barely hear the hissed whisper coming from Cliff.

“In a sex way-“

“Anyway, and I promise to make your death VERY messy”.

Shell whitens. Cliff smirks.

Shell’s plan of attack will have to change, first by getting rid of Cliff.

Wait, Shell thinks, they are childhood friends?

Shell smiles as her plan forms together, and the three girls enter McDonald’s house.

—----------------------------------

Far, far away, still in the high school, two gay nerds sit alone, one of them sobbing his heart out passionately on the other's shoulder. They'd been waiting for the rest of the science club to come, but then the taller one had remembered that they quit after the two gay nerds joined, who were named Ararr and Lah. Ararr, the taller gayster with rectangle glasses and a monotone voice, has a long-standing crush on Lah, a shorter gayster also with rectangle glasses and a squeaky voice.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Lah was a heavy woman enjoyer, judging from his copious amounts of explicit body pillows and the plethora of hentai posters he had. But that isn't going to stop Ararr from seizing this opportunity to pretend to be distressed at the news and sob on Lah's shoulder. Physical contact!! The touch starved Ararr has to will his crotch to not rear up in joy.

"There, there," Lah coos, stroking Ararr's head with a bit more affection than is 'non-homo'.

Ararr doesn’t care that they are the only non straight kids in the school. Speaking of non straight kids, that weird new girl seems very lesbian.

But that doesn’t matter as he checks the room and unzips his jeans for his glorious 5 inch cock to be in full display of Lah.

Lah grins and unzips his jeans as well, following suit as they make some very passionate contact.

Just kidding, this isn't a yaoi fic. But Ararr did take out his length, though Lah didn't follow as enthusiastically.

"What-" he manages to get out before another man barges in the room, wearing a lab coat. He looks at Ararr and smiles. Is that a tired smile? "Ah, you must be Mr Bar. Are you here for the treatment?"

Ararr frowns. "What treatment?"

"Don't you remember? Ah, of course you wouldn't, your short term memory. I apologise for being insensitive." The man makes an awkward gesture with his hands and clipboard. "You know… the one that you said would make you, ahem, 'the most beautiful woman in the country'"

He has no idea what the doctor guy is talking about, but if he gets a free treatment to make him beautiful, he'll take it! "Oh yeah, I remember now!" he lies. "Yeah, I'm here for that treatment."

"Great!" With an eye twitching, the doctor holds out a hand. "Your… member, please."

Lah's eyes widen and he tries to interject. "Ararr, wait-"

The other boy pays him no heed as he slaps his length onto the doctor's hand with a grin. He's going to make it longer, of course that's what he meant!

The doctor grips it and raises a knife.

Ararr reads his name tag and sees, "Male to Female Surgeon"

*

Back in McDonald's house, Shell continues her heartwarming plots to permanently remove Cliff from existence with the power of aNARCHY AND HOT STEAMY SE- make sure Cliff does not kill her in the sexy way she’s so pent up though maybe that’s a possibility but instead ungracefully gives up on attempting to date her beloved McDonalds.

The three are all seated in the living room, and McDonald's is practicing her solo for the upcoming opera "You're the Mamma to my Mia, Mommy" which seems to consist of lots of choking and screaming.

Cliff hums along, pretending to know McDonald's so well that she even knows the tune to this horrible song. Though, she is of course familiar with it; the song is so emotional and desperate that anyone within a 5000km radius is able to hear McDonald's whenever the girl finds it in herself to practice. But, Cliff thinks, watching her beloved slide seamlessly into the diss track section of her opera song, there isn't really much of a tangible melody.

Nevertheless, she attempts to match the pitches Mcdonald's is making, smirking at how brilliant her display of dominance must seem for her rival.

Across the room, Shell is fuming. How dare Cliff try to so boldly claim McDonald's as hers! No one would want the blonde!

She runs thorugh her options: there are none. She can't really do anything, because McDonald's was the one to invite them in, and the girl had specifically asked for no interruptions during her practice. She needs to cherish this moment, and make sure there are more to come. That means staying on McDonald's' good side, and by extension Cliff's, because although she loathes to say it, that insolent childhood friend admittedly knows McDonald's better than Shell does. (For now.)

The brunette shakes herself out of her thoughts. Enough about Suicide Cliff! She needs to enjoy McDonald's presence when she can. She looks up at the object of her affections, who is now breakdancing on the coffee table for the final bars of her diss track section before effortlessly sliding back into the vibrato of opera singing.

When the song finally finishes, Shell smugly notes that she is the first one to leap up on her feet to applaud the singer. "Brava!" She cries, faking tears in her eyes. "That was angelic!"

Truly, Shell thinks that a different song would have suited her more. But no matter. Her attention is scathingly drawn to the waste of space in the room when said waste of space and oxygen cuts in crisply with, "It was amazing, McDonald's! The only critique I have is to extend your notes in bar 6969696969, but otherwise you are perfect as usual."

Shell sneers at her, and Cliff stares coolly back. "What?”

McDonalds, oblivious to the two fuming girls intent on killing each other in a staring contest, gets out her phone and proceeds to start scrolling, in an expert position where the opposing blonde and brunette could not see the hentai manga she had saved.

Shell, distracted from the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, stared down her opposing rival. Suicide stared back, a quirk of a smile dancing on her lips. The blonde stood tall enough to look over Shell’s head, trying to intimidate the other into backing off from McDonalds.

Shell is NOT so easily intimidated! This smug and decidedly wrinkled annoyance will be left in her dust as she and McDonalds have glorious sex!

Shell knows she must not give this old bat Suicide Cliff any room to try McDonalds.

Shell thinks Suicide fucking Cliff is a mind reader because her intense stare worsens. Her already deep forehead wrinkles widen, and Shell realises she will have to UP HER GAME to a), have great sex with McDonalds, and b), not get killed by Suicide Cliff.

The staring contest is ended quickly by Cliff grabbing McDonalds’ phone away, before angrily yelling, “McDonalds, now that you have finished your AMAZING opera practice, it is high time we start our group project before we resort to getting ChatGPT to write it”.

Shell glares at Cliff, for her not so obvious attempt to take her precious McDonalds away from her! The blonde smiles her devilish smile, but just before Shell attempts to undercut her strategy, McDonalds saves the day.

“Yeah Sui Cliff, this assignment isn’t worth anything more than ChatGPT”, McDonalds knowingly whispers dramatically, snatching her previously stolen phone back from Cliff to continue reading her wonderlicious hentai manga to avoid doing the presentation at all costs.

Shell races to agree, “Rightfully so McDonalds, the American school system is fundamentally flawed in order to-”

“ExCYUUUUSE ME??? This presentation is worth HALF of our FINAL MARK!!!! McDonalds, this WEIRD NEW GIRL is CLEARLY a bad influence, who should LEAVE IMMEDIATELY so we can finally get started!!!”.

Shell whitens. Suicide fucking Cliff really has it out for her. Any normal person would just accept that Shell is way hotter with better assets that Cliff has, but honestly is it a competition?

Shell blurts out, “Well, just because you are as flat as a pancake doesn’t mean you should resort to underhanded techniques just to win McDonalds over, who is CLEARLY out of your league-”

“YOUUUU TAKE THAT BACK!”

In a show of pure anger and dominance, Cliff drop kicks Shell out of the room, through the door and onto the street. McDonalds, still looking at her hentai, barely notices. Cliff marches over, arms crossed, ready to end Shell's life right then and there for pointing out her biggest insecurity (IN FRONT OF MCDONALDS!), when McDonalds calls out, “Hey, where the heck did you two get to?”

Suicide’s love for McDonalds wins over her desire for Shell’s blood. Once again, McDonalds saves Shell’s life. Shell could hear Cliff telling McDonalds that POOR SHELL had to go home, and that they should just use ChatGPT for their project anyways, as Shell finds her heart melting for not just McDonalds.

Shell quickly shuts down that absolutely crazy thought. McDonalds is clearly the hottest woman to have ever lived, and has already saved her life!. Shell thinks about storming back in, but she realises a greater idea. Shell could have an excuse to talk to McDonalds to get her things back! Suicide couldn’t even argue!. She may have won this battle, but Shell was going to win the war for McDonald’s heart.