Chapter Text
Albuquerque New Mexico, sometime in the 2000s:
The Salamanca family cartel has been, to put it lightly. Extremely f#cking weird. Most of the time, it was an organized war zone on some days and chaotic on others. It didn't really help that Tuco Salamanca was in the middle of all of it.
The man was pissed, super pissed off. He didn't know why, but two random skater dudes went into his house. Called his abuelita a biznatch and everything. It made his blood boil. His hands clench up in fear and all.
He sighed a little after it. He did get his revenge by breaking the two skaters' legs each and wildin' out like usual in front of his partner Nacho and some lawyer man. But then someone caught his eyes, someone… different.
It was a dude in his 20s, with green eyes. Who had black hair and a coat, smoking a cigarette with some girl who looked like his sister. Tuco's crazy- drug kingpin eyes changed a little bit from psychotic bloodthirsty rage to uhh… Affectionate? Was this really love at first sight?!
Hold up though, that's a dude! Isn't that gay as hell? Why was Tuco blushing? He didn't get it, like, at all. He just stared. The guy took a drag of the cigarette, looked at the woman, then at TUCO?!
OH SHIT OH F#CK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! Tuco thought, turning his head to Nacho, then at the stressed-out lawyer man he kept hostage.
“Tuco,” Nachos said, interrupting Tuco's little trance. “Are you ok? What are you looking at?”
“Oh, I was just thinking about getting this man out of our business,” Tuco replied, walking over to the lawyer and saying “Get me something to unbound this man, I gotta deal with the witnesses,”
“Witnesses?” Asked Nacho. “The hell do you mean by ‘witnesses’?”
Tuco only pointed at the now flustered emo-looking guy and currently freaking out sister.
“I'll take care of them. You get whatever weird situation we're in while I talk to the goth people over there,” Tuco said, rudely waking away without an answer from Nacho.
Nacho only sighed, went over to the lawyer, and started to finish what his partner started. Taking care of the lawyer dude while the weirdest, gayest, and most bizarre thing ever happened ever in New Mexico's history.
“Ok Tuco,” Nacho mumbled as he focused on getting the lawyer out. “Okay?”
Tuco took a minute or so just walking over there. His hands were a little bit clenched as he looked at the two emo people in the distance. They stopped smoking their cigarettes and stared into Tuco's soul… Tuco only slightly snarled in confusion and disbelief. Why the fuck is he still blushing? He had no idea. None at all.
As soon as he went in front of them. The woman tried to speak: “Who the fuck are you-”
“Hold up,” said the dude, still completely red. Whatever tension Tuco had with this man, it wasn't something normal. “Uhh, what do you want?”
Tuco sighed and grumbled a little bit. Have you ever wondered what it would be like trying to threaten a hot person with physical violence despite the fact you'd want to do the funny with them instead? Well, that's what Tuco had to deal with now.
“Hey,” Tuco said.
“Hey?” The other dude said (it Felt like he moaned for a second too), “Are you going to kill us?”
“The actual Kentucky Fried FUCK is going on between you and the cartel man?” The woman asked.
“Maybe, maybe not-” Tuco noticed that his hands almost touched the other man's hand. But then he continued. “You didn't see anything if you report to the cops. I may have no choice but to break you two into a million separate pieces,”
“I wasn't going to call the cops anyway~,” the guy replied. That made Tuco's everything drop. And he didn't know why.
“I'll spare you two,” Tuco mumbled as he tried to hide his red hot face (and that wasn't because of the New Mexican heat). He pulled out his knife and started doing some tricks to intimidate or impress this oddly handsome fellow he saw. “Just don't go around snitching around like rats. You hear?”
“We're on the run anyway,” the woman said. “We are not telling the cops anything whether we tried or not!”
“Not now Leyley,” the goth dude said as he slowly walked towards Tuco. Awkwardly resting a hand on Tuco's chest. “Uhh, what's your name, big guy?”
Tuco only blinked for a little bit. Questioning whether or not he should just kill the man. The knife was in his pocket. Why not kill him right now? But the dude was… so cute though. Talk about a moral dilemma right now. He tried to get into his pockets. But the man's presence made the cartel member stop for a moment and then answer“Oh it's Tuco,” said Tuco. “You better remember me or I'll snap your neck,”
The man chuckled and looked at him. Finally getting that hand out of Tuco's chest and resting that same hand on his face. Making the woman (who apparently had the name Leyley) almost throw up as she looked at the weird flirting.
“Oh okay you dangerous man,” the man said, feeling the all too familiar warmth that was not just from the New Mexican heat. “The name's Andrew, Andrew Graves. I'm kinda new here,”
“I can see since you ran into the business of the fucking cartel,” Tuco Salamanca added as he chuckled a little bit. “Now look, it's been a pleasure talking to ya. But I got some shit to do esse. I'll see you around,”
Andrew only chuckled and replied with a “Ok Tuco, I'll see you around too! Hopefully sooner than later~”
Tuco just internally freaked out and just walked back to Nacho and the hostages. Feeling a little… more peaceful? How the hell did he even feel that way? Nothing makes sense man…. Nothing at all to him.
“Took you long enough,” Nacho said, “Are they leaving at least? I seriously am judging whether or not you should have whacked them,”
“No, no it’s fine, they’re alright,” Replied Tuco as he helped Nacho get the lawyer and the skater twins into the vehicle. “They won’t be reporting on anything that happened in here for at least a full damn lifetime. The guy’s a fruit and the girl is crazier than an average mental asylum patient, even if they call the cop, who would know?” He chuckled before adding: “I don’t think even Chris Hansen himself wouldn’t trust them!”
But in his mind, Tuco would probably trust this man with his life despite just meeting.
“You're crazy,” Nacho said, disregarding the carefulness he had around Tuco for just a bit. “We can’t be taking risks like that. How would Don Hector think if you were talking and being soft with someone like those two?”
“Whatever man,” Tuco replied, pulling out a cigarette to smoke. “Just help me with this!”
Nacho shut up and nodded.
MEANWHILE, like a few feet away:
Andrew and Leyley just decided to walk away. Not being able to forget the fact that a Goddamn cartel member was now somewhat cool with them as long as they didn’t tell the cops going after them. Andrew felt a big warmth in his heart as he walked.
“That was weird,” Leyley said. “I thought all Salamancas were f#cking bonkers!”
“Well that one wasn't,” Replied Andrew with a nervous chuckle. “Far from it, FAR from it,”
“You literally saw him two legs of two skaters over insulting his Grandma!” Leyley replied, flailing her arms as she continued to speak. “And that was only because JIMMY MCGILL was there and had to negotiate with him! What are you, crazy?”
“Says the one who wanted to eat their neighbors and parents,” Andrew said
“HEY!” Leyley yelled out for some reason. She began to have another argument with her brother. “Not cool at all! I still don’t get why you like him at all!”
“He’s just cute, ok?” Andrew replied.
And so, Leyley shut up afterward Surprisingly not saying anything at all until they got home.
A few months later, Tuco's house:
Both Andrew Graves and Tuco Salamanca grew to be closer for some reason. Both of them hung out every day they could. Going to places and doing some arons for the mob. Simple stuff, nothing really.
Andrew couldn't believe that he was even able to join the cartel. But thanks to Tuco being Don Hector Salamanca's nephew. It was rather easy. The man started to learn everything under the wing of the Salamanca cartel. How to deal drugs, and smuggle the product from one country to the other. Everything Andrew needed to properly function under a cartel.
Tuco and Andrew were now hanging around. Both of them were watching some old movie from the fifty's about cowboys. Tuco kinda thought the movie was sh#t and cheesy. Yet Andrew thought it was good.
At first. Tuco was sitting on the floor criss-cross applesauce on the ground. Along with Andrew laying down a few inches away from him. And you probably know what happens next, like an episode of Chris Hansen's How to Catch a Predator.
“Hey, Tuco?” Andrew asked, sitting up and scooting towards him a little bit. “I got to tell you something,”
Tuco, at first, didn't really pay attention to it. Sure, he had a gay crush on Andrew. But then he noticed that Andrew's HEAD WAS RESTING ON HIS LAP!
“Hold up esse, why are you on my lap?” Tuco asked as he looked down. Why did all of this feel super weird now? He didn't get it. He looked around for something that didn't exist like Jason Voorhees searching for another victim. He tried hiding his extreme blush as he stared at nothing for a little bit. Andrew didn't answer. Tuco just sighed and said,, “Ok Andy… what is it then?”
“I like you,”
“OK, thanks? I know we're friends and stuff,”
“No, no homie, I get it. We all do. But I LIKE YOU like you!”
Tuco just laid down on his back. Staring at the ceiling and questioning himself like the German Kaiser Wilhelm the Second during the end of World War One… No way Andy is actually saying this…
“What do you mean?” Shouted Tuco, “You a fruit?”
“You are too, I saw you blushing,”
Tuco sighed. Sounding a little nervous. “Isn't being gay wrong though? Tio wouldn't like me if I was dating a dude,”
Andy only chuckled a little bit. His smile was big as hell as he got up. Now his arms weree wrapped around the cartel member. Both of them are extremely warm for little to no reason at all… And Tuco began to enjoy every second of it.
“Does it really matter man?” Andy replied, pulling his head onto Tuco's shoulder. They continued to cuddle for a while. Until Andrew then took a breath so deep that it could have killed a person. “I love you-”
Suddenly Tuco pulled Andrew into a kiss. They had the longest-make-out session in history and began dating a second later lmao.
The End.