Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

                                                ADA Group Chat 

                                                     10:39 Pm 

Kunikida: OK, Where is Dazai? He hasn't Been to work since last week. Fukuzawa won't even tell me where he’s gone. 

Atsushi: Ok yeah I’m getting worried :( 

Yosano: Probably doing gays shit 

Atsushi: He’s Gay?

Ranpo: He’s bisexual 

Ranpo: Still can't relate to loving women fr

Kunikida: Anyone here who doesn't like dick

Yosano: I mean, 💅 Women are better so I like women

Ranpo: But men

Yosano: But WO-men

Ranpo: Men

Yosano: Women

Kunikida: Dear lord Atsushi say something 

Kunikida: Atsushi 

Yosano: I smell gay 

Atsushi: I mean I’m pan so I mean I like everybody ig

Kunikida: Gays everywhere 

Kenji: Wht are gays

Yosano: Lmao Kunikida 

Yosano: But @ Kenji  Like, I like girls so I’m a lesbian 

Kenji: i like everybody, and girls are part of everyone so I’m a lesbian! 

Atsushi: Kenji no

Ranpo: I love this 

Kunikida: No- A lesbian is when a girl likes another girl romantically. 

Kenji: oh ok  

Atsushi: @Dazai

Yosano: yeah where tf is he 

Ranpo: Europe 

Kunikida: Is that a joke

Ranpo: No

Yosano: yeah he hasn't been at the bar since he stopped showing up

Kyoka: Atsushi where is Dazai-san 

Atsushi: I don't know I hope he’s safe. 

Yosano: Hold on my drinking buddy is calling. 

Ranpo: Who 

Yosano: Chuuya

Kunikida: The executive?

Yosano: no the fucking barista yes, the executive omfg

                                        Yosano has left the chat

Kunikida: I’m so lost here.

Ranpo: @Dazai

Atsushi:@Dazai

Kyouka: @Dazai 

Kenji: i have to go to bed now 

Kyouka: That's a good idea, Kenji-kun. 

                                              Kenji has left the chat

                                            Kyouka has left the chat

Ranpo: Oh they like each other

Atsushi: Really???? 

Ranpo: Yes :)

Kunikida: We should probably go to sleep now.

Ranpo: Yeah I guess

Atsushi: Night guys!

Kunikida: Night. 

Ranpo: Night!!!

                                                 Ranpo left the chat

                                                Kunikida left the chat

                                                 Atsushi left the chat

                                                           11:06 pm

                                              Yosano has joined the chat

                                                            7:42 am

Yosano: YOU GUYS WILL NEVER FUCKING GUESS WHAT SHIT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT 

                                                 Ranpo joined the chat

                                                Kunikida joined the chat

                                                 Atsushi joined the chat

Atsushi: Are you okay? 

Kunikida: You alright?

Ranpo: u good 

                                                    Dazai has joined the chat

                                                Dazai added Sigma to the chat

Kunikida: Dazai?

Atsushi: Oh thank god you’re ok

Yosano: Lmao this shit is fucking wild

Kunikida: Where were you????

Dazai: Europe. I was in Merusalt don't worry about it, but I got news.

Kunikida: MERUSALT LIKE THE PRISON 

Atsushi: Isn't that a prison????? 

Ranpo: omfg Osamu you did NOT do what i think you did

Dazai: ;) Meet the newest member of the ADA! Sigma say hi! 

Sigma: Hi my name is Sigma and I actually used to be part of the decay of angels. 

Atsushi: uh hi? 

Kunikida: THATS A RUSSIAN TERRORIST GROUP??????

Dazai: Oh but he was being manipulated look at him he’s so adorable. He is also a official member of the ADA now so :) 

Dazai: I also killed like two of my boyfriends dont worry about it to much 

Kunikida: two????? 

Dazai: One of them is alive though, dont worry about it to much but the other was a terrorist so ya know say bye bye to Fyodor

Kunikida: THE RUSSIAN TERRORIST DAZAI WHAT THE HELL

Atsushi: Well, you’re okay so I mean 

Ranpo: Wanna get a drink later

Yosano: Ranpo you’re not fooling anybody you just drink sprite when we go out

Ranpo: And

Sigma: Am I even legally old enough to drink 

Dazai: I’ve been drinking since I was fifteen you’ll be fine

Kunikida: UNDERAGE DRINKING TOO DAZAI WHAT. 

Yosano: @ Dazai Niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kunikida: You’re a doctor Yosano don't encourage this 

Yosano: I will encourage and discourage whatever I please bitch 

Atsushi: Language please! 

Kunikida: yall too gay for me

Ranpo: Didnt you and Dazai kiss once 

Sigma: Dazai what is this 

Dazai: Your new family, fellow orphan 

Atsushi: that felt like a call-out 

Kunikida: Yeah Dazai. 

Dazai: We are like, all orphans. My parents are pretty dead

Yosano: Oh same but I mean I got Fukuzawa 

Ranpo: Oh yeah I mean my other parents are pretty dead but Fukuzawa 

Dazai: Can I be adopted by Fukuzawa please? 

Ranpo: You are adopted pretty much I mean its not official 

Yosano: I mean I call you my little brother so 

Dazai: Really 

Ranpo: Yeah you’re practically my brother

                                                    Dazai left the chat 

Sigma: Ok why is Dazai crying 

Kunikida: What

Atsushi: I feel like maybe it’s because he was adopted? I cried when Dazai San adopted me

Sigma: This is an orphanage

Yosano: omfg why was that wholesome

Ranpo: Fukuzawa is signing papers now 👍

Kunikida: I think I’m the only non-orphan here

Sigma: Can I be adopted too please 

Ranpo: Fukuzawa can sign those papers 

Sigma: Thanks

Kunikida: welcome to the family Kiddo

Sigma: Good lord Dazai is still crying 

Kunikida: how did you guys even meet

Sigma: Oh I broke him semi-out of prison and we did the waltz while he was dying slowly then he saved me after I was stabbed and took me home. 

Yosano: Checks out

Kunikida: I’m so sorry

Chapter Text

            Dazai joined the chat

                               Dazai added Chuuya Nakahara to the chat

                             Dazai added Ryuunuske Akutagawa to the chat 

Chuuya: What is this 

Akutagawa: Hello Dazai-san

Dazai: Guys met Akutagawa he’s my child 

Chuuya: HES CRYING WHAT DID YOU DO

Chuuya: oh nvm 

Yosano: Drinking buddy!!!

Chuuya: Hi Sano 

Dazai: Chibi! 

Chuuya: Stfu Mackeral 

Akutagawa: Really Dazai-san? 

Dazai: Ofc Ryuu <3

Atsushi: Akutagawa????

Akutagawa: JINKO???

Yosano: Not today 

Ranpo: Well this is happening I guess 

Kunikida: Why are you not at work today though 

Dazai: Being evaluated by Yosano 

Yosano: Dazai, you broke your leg in multiple places and have four bullet wounds???? PLUS THE POISION????????

Atsushi: DAZAI SAN WHAT 

Akutagawa: Dazai-san are you ok?

Kunikida: Dazai what the hell 

Chuuya: It wasnt pretty but ya know we’ve been through worse together so its whatever 

Dazai: Thats my partner <3

Kunikida: pardon 

Atsushi: WHAT not in like a boyfriend way right

Kunikida: RIGHT 

Chuuya: more in like an unnamed dating kind of way 

Akutagawa: Yeah you know they have been making out since I was 14

Yosano: Spill the tea 

Ranpo: Yes! 

                                                              Akutagawa added Elise 

Elise: Yo so this is true they definitely fucked when they were like 16 

Ranpo: I KNEW IT 

Yosano: Bitch I called it!

Dazai: hjkoigkhjfgsvzqwx6xdyigfjaXVGBUALX

Chuuya: OH NOW YOURE EMBARRASSED 

Dazai: BITCH WE WERE BOTH DRUNK 

Chuuya: IDGAF YOU USED TO TEASE ME ABOUT IT

Dazai: YOU FUCKING INITIATED

Chuuya: THAT IS A LIE WE WERE BOTH DRUNK AS HELL IT WAS A BLACKOUT NIGHT AND YOU KNOW IT 

Dazai: AT LEAST IM NOT SHORT 

Chuuya: AT LEAST IM NOT A BOTTOM 

DazaI: hmflkojiogjbdk

Yosano: NAH SHIT GOT WILD 

Ranpo: ^

Atsushi: This felt inappropriate 

Kunikida: OK WHAT 

Chuuya: Bitch I was a whole head shorter than you and STILL TOPPED YOU 

Dazai: OMFG IN THIS GC RIGHT NOW NOT THIS SHIT 

Chuuya:fuck you 

Dazai: COWARD DO IT YOURSELF

                                              Dazai left the chat

                                            Chuuya left the chat 

Yosano: Oop

Ranpo: ^ 

Atsushi: ^ 

Kunikida: Ok I’m lost again 

Sigma: You know what I’m not even sure at this point Just keep it down this time. 

Kunikida: You live with Dazai? 

Sigma: Unfortunately 

Kunikida: and you don't want to move out????

Sigma: I honestly don't want to live alone and Dazai makes me feel almost safe. Idk he promised he would keep me safe and I believe him.

Atsushi: So sweettttt I want to live with you twooooo

Sigma: Two? 

Atsushi: Yeah you and Dazai-san

Sigma: What about Chuuya though 

Kunikida: WHAT 

Atsushi: ^

Kunikida: were we the only ones who didn't know?????

Yosano: I mean I come over for girls night 

Ranpo: ^ 

Kunikida: WHAT 

Sigma: ugh they're being loud again but at this point, im used to it Fyodor and Nikilosai were so much louder  

Atsushi: I feel so bad for you 

Ranpo: I’m sure that you and Akutagawa are louder ;)

Atsushi: hacvyihdowshiaooaklzhibvy 

                                                            Akutagawa left the chat 

Kunikida: RANPO WHAT 

Sigma: Dear lord the orphans are fighting 

Atsushi: omfg ranpo 

Yosano: You and Akutagawa really???? Good for you 😏

Yosano: Just hookups orrrr

Elise: mostly Akutagawa sneaking out. Dating I think 

Atsushi: tujddtudtuyfvhmipasqoyuewt

                                                           Dazai Joined the chat 

Dazai: FINALLY HOW MANY TIMES DID I HAVE TO SET YALL UP YEEEESSSS

Atsushi: Dazai-san what??

Yosano: Finally done getting railed by a mafia executive, Dazai? 

Dazai: says you, you fucked ane-san 

Ranpo: LMAO nahhh 

Dazai: Dont you start me and sanu have dirt on you too mr fuck the Guild

Kunikida: STOP SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE FROM ENEMY ORGANIZATIONS 

Dazai: never 

Yosano: never

Ranpo: never

Atsushi: never

Ranpo: If it makes you feel better Mori and Fukuzawa are divorced husbands 

Kunikida: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

Chapter Text

Atsushi: Who was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?

Dazai: Atsushi.

Kunikida: Were you putting it. In cold water.

Yosano: answer the question, Atsushi.

Akutagawa: Weretiger what.

Chuuya: JUST BOIL IT IT TAKES LIKE LESS THAN A MINUTE ON THE STOVE.

Sigma: is your stove powered by the sun????

Chuuya: just put the mug on and put it on the stove, it takes less than a minute.

Dazai: We need to break up, I can't marry, I can't even look at this anymore. I'm not angry, I’m just disappointed. We own a kettle.

Atsushi: Chuuya-san you’re fucked. Like, so, so fucked.

Akutagawa: he’s using his dissapointment voice, Chuuya.

Sigma: JUST GET A KETTLE.

Chuuya: Fuck you, Dazai.

Dazai: You’re currently railing me.

Yosano: I'm not even mad just impressed. Chuuya if you hurt him I’ll scoop your organs out.

Ranpo: She means well with that threat, but beware, Dazai will slowly torture you over three years before crucifying you. Or anyone who hurts Chuuya.

Akutagawa: Dazai-san is the absolute best. He’s magnificent.

Atsushi: fuck you with a thorny stick,@Akutagawa

Yosano: are made of tea

Yosano: I travel the world for the perfect tea

Dazai: everyone’s looking for something

Yosano: Some of them want to infuse you

Dazai Some of them want to be infused by you

Naomi: some of them want to brew you some of them want to be a brew

Junichiro: who am I to diss a tea?

Dazai:lets goooooooooooooo

Elise: It's Rinutaru’s birthday. I need balloons.

Dazai: I got u, girl.
https://www.amazon.com/Rude-BalloonsTM-Decoration-Hilarious-Offensive/dp/B08LGNFH71/ref=sr_1_5?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.yzWFSYKzL7I42KrQURHqlghLVbIhI1vytPeriHSyY4p7EEutDpKq-H96rkTqtdVlGYgaRBJ24na_z0cKsB8MvC51Qm2Si9MPr5n2IXVvQuwa-B-orM5H6FHDxtY-N6144pFkt-eObuVUZwcHB28LkxVUj9YmU-NQznMxM7zIIMr47HpkbMxx65_0FSTR9JzR9apefUJ28kBkWHQPLIVJSElFGIy4Qz-jmI2kgctBxgfe0DHvBednLq3CrgIlvgXZqWSiElwJCa-l4-YbqdSflG5AoAR5MdcSsx6FTaKLuBs.YVaFQRUB3K_kL3wZYbUMDTx54-5NHaY1VJ1TlAwJbeo&dib_tag=se&keywords=Abusive+Balloons&qid=1725730947&sr=8-5

Yosano: what.

Yosano: OH MY GOD THANK YOU

Elise: Im ordering so many who’s free to help me inflate these and fill his office with em

Chuuya: I’ll do it

Dazai: yep im free. I’ll make a call.

Ango has joined the chat

Dazai: Are you free today to cause general chaos and screw the port mafia?

Ango: Will you still hate me?

Dazai: slightly less.

Ango: fantastic.

Dazai: Elise, you need a decent weapon to protect yourself, okay? Use this. So if anyone tries to mess with you the last thing they’ll see is the unforgiving face of hello kitty.
https://brickseek.com/walmart-inventory-checker?sku=133658309

Kyouka: So if I’m Dazai’s child,( he told me so, so i am.) Can you be my sister?

Elise: Gladly. What do you think would happen if Dazai touched me with his ability? Also i’m technically more like Dazai’s sister but I would love to be under that branch with yall.

Dazai: For the bastards birthday I’m stealing Elise. Elise get over to my apartment and I’ll see if I can un-ability you.

Elise: bet, thanks Onii-chan

Kunikida: Im so tired

Ranpo: I need more popcorn

Kyouka: I love my dad :)

Sigma: I thought you were an @orphan?

Atsushi: did someone @ me

Yosano: yes and no

Dazai: good news I fixed Elise, so now she’s semi-human. Like, she’s a child but with similar-ish abilities but she’ll like, grow and can die now and isn't under Mori’s control bc fuck him 👍

Yosano: YESSSS WELCOME TO THE FAMILY

Kunikida: help

Elise: Can I bring Q?

Dazai: yes I’ll grab him since I already broke in

Kunikida: DAZAI WHAT THE FUCK

Chuuya: thats my bouyfreind

Dazai: *boyfreind

Kouyou: *not boyfriend

Kyouka: *boyfriend

Kouyou: no.

Chuuya: please

Kouyou: fuck no

Kyouka: please ane-san :(

Kouyou: I’ll allow it

Junichiro: why is there a pride parade its not even June

Naomi: Are you not going because I am

Kunikida: GAYS. GAYS EVERYWHERE.

Junichiro: idk kinda worried

Dazai: why

Kenji: why?

Kyouka: It sounds fun

Junichiro: because im trans

Dazai: Well I'm also going so you’re fine

Ranpo: no murder

Chuuya: Im going and im a demiboy so not the same thing but… :) Under the nonbinary branch

Dazai: yeah im trans too dude dont worry about it

Tanzinaki left the chat
Yosano: THAT WAS WHOLESOME AS FUCK

Kunikida: Dazai’s trans?????

Dazai: yeah I guess
Chuuya: yep. Damn, I thought you were supposed to be his partner 🙄

Kunikida: IM TRYING DEAR GOD

Yosano: did you ever wear heels?

Dazai: look up ‘girl in stiletto’s meme’

Yosano: ok

Sigma: what will she find

Dazai: I'm just gonna say I'm not half bad in heels.

Yosano: IS THIS YOU C:\Users\avas0\Downloads\Untitled design.png ????????!!!!

Dazai: yeah

Yosano: Dazai I think you’re god.

Dazai: yeah I hear that a lot, actually.

Ranpo: thats my little brother

Dazai: Junichiro you’re doing great, and we’re all going to pride

Junichiro: I dont think I have a choice

Naomi: yayyyy!

Kunikida: am I coming im straight

Dazai: sure.

Ranpo: no your not

Dazai: You’re

Kunikida: WHAT

Chapter Text

Atsushi: So… when are we going to pride? What time should we meet up? 

Dazai: fdwkgilq;pdo[‘kqefhi;pk[p0l]s

Kunikida: Dazai what the fuck in the everfuck is even WRONG with you?????????????????????????

Dazai: the voicesssss

Chuuya: Baby did you take your meds??? 

Akutagawa: I mean i dont think he has meds, I once watched Dazai-san take out a hello kitty thermos and mix a can of Monster energy drink, instant coffee, yes the powder, and benadryl, mix it together, chug it in one go, and then teach me how to do a flip. 

Gin: i remember that. You cried. You thought he was gonna die. 

Atsushi: WHAT 

Kunikida: how are you not dead

Yosano: WAIT. DAZAI HOW ARE YOU ALIVE WHAT THE EVERLOVING SWEET FUCK???? 

Dazai: the voices, 

Tanizaki: maybe… we should go to pride tomorrow instead… Dazai seems… unsteady. 

Chuuya: DARLING NO 

Dazai: you cannot spell manslaughter without the laughter. 

Naomi: fuck what??? 

Kunikida: kill me

Dazai: me too 

Chuuya: ... 

Kyouka: do you ever get so exited you just want to crush a human skull in your hands?

Atsushi: no????

Kunikida: hows therapy

Dazai: you just described breathing 

Chuuya: NO???? 

Sigma: I DON’T THINK SHE DID THO

Naomi: I had a dream that I was kidnapped by BTS

Dazai: Do go on. 

Naomi: they put me in a tub of vaseline while I was tied to a chair. 

Chuuya: my god. 

Naomi: so; then they played dynamite for me, right??? And then for some reason they fucking… 

Dazai: did Namjoon say ‘Now we’ll light YOU up like dynamite’??? 

Naomi: HOW DID YOU KNOW????? 

Dazai: I was a teen once

Chuuya: WHAT THE FUCK DOESTHAT HAVE TO DO WITH HAVING THESE DREAMS??????

Kunikida: WE’RE ALL GETTING THERAPY

Ranpo: this is fine. 

Tecchou: Can you pass the salt? 

Jouno: Can I WHAT

Tecchou: Its a simple request. 

Jouno: your eating cereal 

Tecchou: YOU DONT PUT SALT IN CEREAL 

Jouno: IM OVER THIS RELATIONSHIP 

Tecchou: I just want salted lucky charms

Jouno: I WANT A DIVORCE

Tecchou: no wait

Jouno: this isnt the hunting dogs gc

Tecchou: what

Tachihara: NO. I WAS EVEN THE FLOWER BOY AT YOUR WEDDING 😢

Jouno: I FUCKING HATE THIS COUNTRY 

Teruko: ME TOO

Fukuchi: YOU THIBNK I WANBED ZIS???? 

Dazai: *Think

Ranpo: *Wanted

Mori: *this

Dazai: *This

Sigma: oh god. 

Chapter Text

Ranpo: Hey Dazai @Dazai 

Sigma: why would you summon them 

Tachihara: he cant be that bad

Dazai: yes, Ranpo-san? 

Ranpo: I bet you cant make a sentence without the letter A. 

Dazai: You thought you did something there, didnt you? Well sorry to burst your bubble but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the english lexicon. 

Poe: why is Ranpo screaming 

Dazai: do you ever wish you had died years ago but you cant because you made a promise you regret…? 

Kunikida: classic Dazai behavior 

Dazai: guys…? 

Ranpo: I wish yall would just get Dazai therapy instead of waiting for him to ACTUALLY just kill himself.

Chuuya: THANK U ‘

Danny Motta: Bro is a walking cry for help 

Chuuya: WHAT 

Poe: GOOD HEAVENS! 

Ranpo: babe… 

Naomi: Onii-san did you hear the joke about the gaslighter

Tanizaki: no? 

Dazai: yes you did

Tanizaki: No I didnt 

Naomi: yes you did 

Tanizaki: … 

Ranpo: yes, you did 

Tanizaki: NO I DIDNT.

Yosano: YES YOU DIDDDDDDD

Tanizaki: NO I DIDNT???????

Naomi: :) 

Dazai: good one girlipop 

Chuuya: FIGHT ME SHITTY DAZAI 

Dazai: lets fight

Dazai: very gently with our lips

Chuuya:... 

Chuuya: fuck yeah

Dazai: but wait

Chuuya: yes

Dazai: what if… we wore suits

Chuuya: I like this

Dazai: and signed a prenup

Chuuya: you take all my money anyhow so go ahead

Dazai: and bought each other diamond rings

Chuuya: sounds great does saturday work for you? 

Atsushi: DID WE JUST WITNESS A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL???? 

Kyouka: me and Kenji call dibs on flowergirl and boy

Kenji: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! 

Gin: whattabout me???? 

Sigma: Don't worry we’re the bridesmaids. 

Kunikida: bro what. 

Akutagawa: WHAT

Naomi: Can I be a bridesmaid????? 

Dazai: we dont even talk in canon but sure since here we cause chaos together 

Kenji: whats canon 

Natsume: dont worry about it 

Kenji: I wont, thank you

Chuuya: wait i call dibs on hirotsu as my father and Ane-san

Dazai: no me 

Dazai: wait ill just take Natsume and Fukuzawa 

Dazai: not that we’re shipping those two people, that would be bizarre

Chuuya: yep. 

Kunikida; how do you even know Natsume 

Dazai: well you see he created me from the book so my mother would have me as a wanted yet impossible child with my father due to multiple fertility issues. This created my dehumanization issues from the start but since he literally created me I consider him like a second father 🙂

Tachihara: what a twist

Chapter Text

Sigma: Today I was just chilling on the subway and I made eye contact with a rat. Made eye contact and said ‘Join us; when the train comes we will hide under the track. We will live forever, so please, come with me.’ and I said ‘No’ and the rat began to weep.

Dazai: always the subway rats yk 

Atsushi: hanging myself

Kunikida: NO NOT YOU TOO

Kunikida: actually its been getting chummy around here

Elise: another day, another of Dazais teachings that come in handy. (my big brother is the best frfrfrfr

Kyouka: thats a lot of fr’s. 

Elise: for good reason. 

Fukuzawa: oh god what did you do @Elise

Elise: i was riding bikes with Chuuya Kyouka and myself and I accidentally scratched someones car. I wrote in my worst handwriting that I was six and only had two dollars, left the two dollars and drove off. 

Gin: Dazai-san? 

Dazai: yes my dear Gin-chan? 

Gin: I need poison and all I have are cleaning supplies and I can't use bleach 

Dazai: Vinegar and b leach make chl o rine gas, Ammonia and bleach make chl o ramine, Rubbing alcohol and bleach ma k e chloroform, and theres more but is that good for now? 

Gin: thanks <3 

Dazai: who wants to come over to me and Chuuyas? Sigma lives here too ig. And Q. and Elise. And Kyouka sometimes actually. 

Kunikida: but doesnt Kyouka live with Atsushi??? 

Akutagawa: not when hes at my house

Atsushi: FFS OMFG AKU

Sigma: guyssssss im so bored

Lucy: wanna get high asf

Atsushi: LUCY??? 

Dazai: w sahf0inkwggvrge a ewfqerqffwffefw k 234e5r 34rgfrwdsdcqafrewf e qgrdrfevgeq u qerdfvgrfbv p rvrbgfvfbvfgwffd

Chuuya: did you take your meds today hon 

Dazai: no 

Chuuya: Sigma can you make sure he takes them 

Atsushi: Im really happy, so far everything is pretty great. 

Dazai: oh yeah @sigma dont listen to rats unless they’re doing some light reading 

Dazai: who wants to get together at my place? We could do some crafting or smth 

Atsushi: what would we make? 

Dazai: I feel like you would make a good bookmark. 

Atsushi: i was thinking origami but sure

Chapter Text

Sigma: Living here is really strange. I mean, lets break it down. W e have D a zai, the most oddly k ickass dumbass fool, also the ?s e cond? Smartest man I know. Aswell as maybe the most CHAOTIC transmasc bisexual. We have Chuuya, his fiance, who wants to kill him all the time, and maybe will kill him, yet is the most protective motherfucker. He also cooks really well, who will flirt RELENTLESSLY at the dinner table. Gay asfuck. We have Elise, the ?maybe? Doll who just likes to torture people and gossip, then the oddest motehrfuck Q.and the theirs Kyouka, who just… chills.  and then theirs me. And we all just… coincide. I dont even WANT to move out. I kind of need this sitcom tbh. 

Atsushi: yeah i suppose 

Lucy: who says ‘suppose’ you gay whore

Atsushi: WHAT 

Ranpo: SIS GET IN HERE THE TEA IS SCALDING

                         Yosano joined the chat

Akutagawa:... that's kinda hot 

Atsushi: Ok so

Atsushi: what

                     Lucy left the chat

                     Akutagawa left the chat 

Ranpo: OOOOHHH ATSUSHI GET UR WOMAN

Yosano: AND UR MAN

Atsushi: i mean none of us were dating we were all just talking but uh 

Chuuya: thats rough buddy want some ice

Atsushi: why…? 

Yosano: for

Ranpo: that

Chuuya: burn 

Chuuya: Guys im brazil rn does anyone want to make an earth sandwich

Kyouka: yes please

                              Sigma joined the chat

Sigma: Elise apolagise to Ranpo 

Ranpo: wht did she say? 

Elise:  BUT HE IS GAY. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE???? 

Sigma: BUT THATS RUDE ELISE. 

Elise: THAT WAS AN OBSERVATION. 

Sigma: DAZAI  TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU GUYS. IM TRYING MY ZEST HERE. 

Elise: ZEST BAHAHAHAHA

Sigma: YOU- 

Elise: SIGMA BALLS

Ranpo: I completely forgive you, Ellie. <3 

Elise: thank you uncle Ranpo~! 

Ranpo: lets get ice cream. 

Elise: YAY 

                         Akutagawa joined the chat

                         Lucy joined the chat

Akutagawa: Me and Lucy are dating now

Lucy: thats my man now

Yosano: SHE TURNED YOU INTO HIS BITCH BOY, BOY RUN

Ranpo: bitch im cackling

Chuuya: HOLY SHIT THATS WILDDD

Ranpo: SHE STOLE YOUR MAN

Ranpo: OR HE STOLE YOUR WOMAN ATSUSHI I CANT TELL 

                          Atsushi left the chat

Chapter Text

Dazai: should I kill myself or have a cup off coffee? 

Sigma: Dazai come get your coffee. Its black, how you like it. 

Dazai: awwwww :) 

Sigma: dont get mushy. 

Chuuya: its too late. Hes imprinted on you dude, like a bird or something. 

Elise: can confirm. Watched it happen. (CHUUYA. COUGH COUGH COUGH.) 

Kunikida: how do I know if I have a virus? 

Q: Turn off ur computerrrr

Elise: and make sure it powers down!

Kyouka: drop it in a 43 foot hole in the ground. 

Q: bury it completely, rock and boulders should be fine!

Elise: Then burn ALL the clothes you may have worn anytime you were- (:<

Q: ONLINEEEEEEEE

Kyouka: onlineeeee :D

Elise: Virus alert! :3

Q: delete immediately b4 smone gets hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.< 

Dazai: I love my kids. 

Chuuya: I love our kids. 

Ranpo: I love your kids. 

Mori: I also love your kids! (Elise please come home) 

Yosano: EW EW A ROACH 

Elise: BURN IT BURN IT 

Ranpo: DO NOT talk to my niece.

Dazai: Mori-san! Sensei! For fucks fucking sake!

Elise: Rinutaru you’ve been replaced. Ffs go choke on a crayon

Q: cut yourself on a ice cube!

Kyouka: kys

Lucy: fucking die

Akutagawa:

Akutagawa: yeah 

Atsushi: yeah! 

Sigma: fuck yourself with a thorny stick, Mori-san. 

Mori: I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU 

Mori: WHO TF ARE YOU

Dazai: DO NOT SPEAK TO SIGMA-KUN LIKE THAT. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. 

Elise: DONT YOU TALK ABOUT SIGMA LIKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE

Mori: WHO THE FUCK IS SIGMA

Elise: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BUT HE DAZAI AND CHUUYA ARE MY GUARDIANS NOW

Mori: I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. WHO THE FUCK. 

Dazai: HES MY ASSISTANT.

Sigma: I am???? 

Mori: Well Sigma I just feel like you may not be qualified as my Dazai-kuns assistant, Sigma-kun. 

Dazai: DONT TALK TO MY ASSISTANT. HES SENSITIVE. 

Sigma: YES I AM. 

Mori: … 

Mori: alright then off to kms 

Yosano: LETS FCKINGF GOOOOO

Kunikida: Language! 

Dazai: cmon kids type it with me, 

Elise: YAYAYAYAYA FUCKING DIE

Q: DIE DIE DIE

Kyouka: frick yourself. 

Atsushi: KYOUKA. 

Akutagawa: JINKO. 

Atsushi: AKUTAGAWA. 

Lucy: MY DEARS. 

Dazai: @Atsushi I love you your my son but Kyouka lived in a brothel. 

Elise: this is actually true. In a lot of media i see how FOURTEEN, FIFTEEN, LIKE, ATSUSHI IS 18. Bro is not innocent. 

Kenji: this is true! 

Dazai: When I was fifteen I killed so many people. 

Kenji: THIS IS ALSO TRUE! 

Kenji: i gtg talk to my plant. 

Kyouka: can I come…? 

Kenji: YEPPPP. :D 

                                Kenji left the chat. 

                              Kyouka left the chat. 

Yosano: WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. are we not going to talking about when Lucy said ‘My dears’? 

Kunikida: WAIT I ACTUALLY CAUGHT THAT 

Lucy: yeah meet my boyfriends. 

Akutagawa: ////////

Atsushi: yeah. 

Chuuya: good on you, kids. Also Dazai is weeping right now over this but dont fret it too much.

                     Sigma joined the chat

Sigma: WHY IS DAZAI CRYING