Chapter Text
“Sire, now that Lord Agravaine is gone-”
“He is dead, Gaius. And he betrayed Camelot. I do not wish to be reminded of him.”
“I just mean, you need to choose a new advisor, your highness.”
Arthur sighed and buried his face in his hands. It was a rather cold day. Moody, and hung over with clouds. The weather was mirroring Arthur’s emotional state perfectly. It was hardly fair, he thought, to spring this onto him so soon. It had only been a couple days since Agravaine had been revealed a traitor. One who was conspiring with Morgana to lead Camelot into ruin. Neither had it been Arthur’s first betrayal, nor did it seem to be the last. “I don’t want a new advisor.”
Gaius looked tired. Then again, the old man always looked rather tired. In fact, Arthur was pretty sure that Gaius’ face had been designed to look that way. It had something of molten cheese. Well, that was a rather rude description Arthur had come up with as a child, and he did feel guilty for sticking to it, yet it seemed oddly fitting. Still, for someone who had such an expressionistic face, Gaius liked to keep it rather- monotonous. Gaius looked at Arthur just like that now, calm and collected and not at all bothered by the consequences of his suggestion. “I understand. But the people will wonder why you are so reluctant to choose a new advisor. They might think that you do no longer trust your own decisions, nor the people around you.”
“Well, perhaps they are right.” Arthur clipped at him snarly. “Leave me alone, Gaius.” In fact, Arthur doubted that he could trust Gaius either. Apparently, neither status, years of loyalty, blood relations, nor a long lasting friendship could nowadays be counted on. Arthur had come out of this war feeling like a fool.
Gaius’ tired eyes turned sad. “Sire, if I may-”
“You may not.” Arthur stood up sternly. “I wish for you to leave this room, Gaius. I shall call on you again when I need you. But right now -” Arthur swallowed. “I would like some time alone.”
Gaius paused for nearly a minute before he bowed his head. Whatever he had been contemplating, he seemed to have come to the conclusion that it was best to listen to Arthur. And since when was that even a thing? That people needed to contemplate whether or not to listen to him? He was the KING! For goodness sake, did that not mean anything anymore?
Gaius left the room and Arthur behind and Arthur went after him to lock the door. As soon as it clicked shut, Arthur leaned his forehead against the frame.
“I know these tunnels, Agravaine does not. I’m going to distract them.”
Stupid, loyal, kind Merlin, always going out of his way to do the stupidest things known to mankind. He had left before Arthur could stop him, or knock some sense into him. It was only natural that Arthur went after him. No matter what Tristan may believe, Arthur cared about Merlin. Merlin was his best friend! It was tough to admit on most days, but in moments like these, it was clear as day. And Arthur could not afford to lose him.
Yet, that was what he was stumbling into. Loss.
Merlin was facing off against Agravaine. Arthur had only been mere paces behind, barely able to hide when Agravaine and his man stormed past Arthur's hiding spot. Merlin stood with his back to the wall, facing Agravaine like the stupid moron he was. Arthur wanted to go between them, protect Merlin at all costs, perhaps even kill the traitor that Agravaine was, but Merlin spoke before Arthur could come up with a way to distract or overwhelm Agravaine's men.
“Where is Arthur?!” Agravaine demanded to know.
Arthur held his breath and pressed himself deeper into the alcove, hoping that no one would see him. Panic overcame him, reminding him that Merlin was in danger. Life threatening danger! Arthur needed to act or else Merlin was done for! At the same time, Arthur was more than aware that Merlin’s knowledge on Arthur’s whereabouts was the only reason why Agravaine had not killed him already. If Arthur revealed himself to the enemy, then Merlin would be killed without mercy. So, against Arthur's will, he held his breath and waited, biding his time.
Merlin was backed against a dead end and Arthur expected him to be as frightened as he felt, but when the servant turned around, Merlin no longer looked clumsy or terrified. His expression was cold and determined as he assessed a warning: “Be careful.”
“What are you talking about?! Where is Arthur?” Agravaine seemed irritated as he paused, watching as Merlin seemed to be in some sort of conflict with himself. “Tell me. Now! Or I’ll have to kill you.”
Arthur reached for his sword but Merlin made no sign that he was intimidated. And that was definitely a first. Merlin was usually so easily terrified. Was he bluffing?
Merlin tsked at the traitor, unimpressed and looking rather tired, really. “I don’t think so.”
There was a quiet threat behind those words, making Arthur shiver where he was hiding. What on earth was the idiot doing?! And then, Arthur’s breath caught. Merlin merely raised his head, then suddenly, the entire group of bandits was thrown backwards, hitting their heads against stone and landing in the dirt.
There was a beat of silence. Arthur’s mind was unable to process what he'd just witnessed. He stared at the passed out- no- DEAD bandits, unable to look up to recognise Merlin as the source of this massacre.
Agravaine himself had landed hard on his back, and he came to with his breath punched out of him before he scrambled to his feet. He seemed as shocked as Arthur felt, but he was more astonished than terrified. Arthur felt it shaking his bones. His entire world had just fallen apart from a single glance and everything he knew about Merlin seemed to shatter around that hateful grimace and the power behind those golden eyes. GOLDEN eyes! Merlin had magic.
Agravaine had come to the same conclusion. “You have magic!”
“I was born with it.” Merlin’s voice was cold and collected, sounding like he’d had to defend himself like this quite a number of times. A number of times Arthur was completely unaware of. A number of times that made Merlin someone else entirely.
Suddenly, Agravaine’s expression shifted from astonishment to realization. “So, it’s you! You’re Emrys!"
Emrys? Arthur had never heard that name before. What was Agravaine talking about? What on earth was happening? Had Merlin not even had the grace to tell Arthur his real name?
“That is what the druids call me.” Merlin's confirmation felt like salt in Arthur’s freshly bleeding heart. The pain had yet to set in. Arthur was just numb, unable to collect his own thoughts.
“And you’ve been at court, all this time!” Agravaine laughed. “At Arthur’s side. How you’ve managed to deceive him!” There was a moment where Agravaine expressed his astonishment with the shake of his head. “I am impressed. Perhaps we’re more alike than you think.” As if that didn’t make it burn even worse, Agravaine reached out his hand.
Arthur's eyes were drawn to the gesture. Arthur looked from Agravaine to Merlin and waited for Merlin to take it.
Merlin, however, didn't waste time to raised his own hand in warning. He wasn't even considering to take the invitation. His eyes were full of despise. Arthur held his breath. Agravaine faced Merlin’s refusal like he would a wounded animal at first, backing off for nearly ten seconds before he suddenly reached out to do something- perhaps hit him, perhaps kill him, but Merlin was faster. Merlin, without answering, blasted Agravaine backwards and Arthur could see that even before Agravaine’s back hit the ground, all life had already left his eyes. And Merlin stood there above him, expression cold and determined as before, accepting. As if prepared for the weight of his murder. Then he turned around and left, as if this was nothing. As if he were used to it.
And Arthur remained behind, watching Merlin leave.
It had all happened so fast that Arthur fell to his knees, scrambling his last remaining thoughts to understand what had just happened.
Later, Arthur didn’t know how he had managed to compose himself after that. How he had managed to face Merlin again, finding once again the bumbling fool that had occupied Arthur’s heart. Arthur did not know how he had managed to look at him and confess that he’d gone after him because Merlin was his only friend. “- and I couldn’t bear to lose you.” Inside him, a voice was screaming ‘not him too!’ and ‘Tell me I did not lose you!’ Arthur was beginning to comprehend the murder. The betrayal, however, that was a whole different thing.
But the facts were overwhelming. Overwhelming, yet confusing. Merlin was a sorcerer, like Morgana. He was conspiring with the druids, yet he had killed Agravaine and his men, had protected Arthur and the others in the process and therefore thrown a major dent into Morgana’s plans. Arthur did not know what this meant, what it was going to mean. All he knew was that he didn’t know what to do anymore.
“Merlin.” Arthur’s heart hurt when he saw Merlin go back to his duties as normal.
“Sire?” Merlin’s smile suggested that he meant the title in jest. It was a small comfort. A comfort that did not materialize without accompanied guilt and fear. Had Merlin, all these years, really just been making fun of him? Was his deception a joke to him? Did he laugh, secretly, at how he’d been dancing on Arthur’s nose for all these years, tying Arthur’s very being to him, while it didn’t matter half as much to himself?
Arthur stood up from his chair and began to pace the room, inhaling like a man drowning. “I’ve made a decision.”
Merlin raised his brow as he stopped collecting Arthur’s dirty laundry. It seemed rather ridiculous, knowing what kind of power Merlin was wielding.
“Uhu.” Merlin turned serious. “Is this about Agravaine’s replacement? Gaius mentioned that you were struggling with finding a new advisor.”
Arthur nodded and decided to begin his test. “Whom would you suggest?!” Arthur was quite aware of the irony. Far more aware than he would have been a week ago. Right now, it was very clear to him how strange it was that he was confiding in his servant, that he was basically using him as an advisor. Just never officially, because what would that look like? Him, choosing a servant as an advisor?
“I don’t know.” Merlin said honestly and Arthur had to perk his ears to understand what was happening. Merlin didn’t look like he was going to suggest himself, which seemed like the most natural option at this very moment. Merlin seemed to be thinking hard. “Well, I think it should be someone you really trust, someone who will have your back and let you make your own decisions.”
“I thought that way about Agravaine. How can I be sure to trust his replacement?” Arthur didn’t want to look at Merlin, but he needed to see precisely how Merlin acted. Where were the cracks in his mask? Where was the determined, cold blooded murderer from that day? And who was THIS man before him?
Merlin looked down for a moment, before he put down the clothes on Arthur’s bed. Then he stepped forward to place a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. The familiar gesture registered late in Arthur's mind, making him freeze. Despite everything, it still gave him some comfort. “You weren’t wrong to trust him, Arthur. He was wrong to betray you. That was never your fault.” How could he sound so honest, so genuine, so… devoted?
“I should have known better.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
Arthur wanted to yell at him, but he didn’t. Perhaps he couldn't. “You knew.” Because Merlin HAD known. Merlin had told him, even, and Arthur had not listened. Like he'd never listened, even though Merlin was so often right.
Merlin shook his head. “I merely suspected. And I will continue to tell you when I believe that someone isn’t trustworthy. And you will continue to ignore me. Sometimes you will be wrong and most often I will be right-” Merlin was grinning at the last part, his grin affecting Arthur against his will. “What I mean to say is, you will always have me.” At those words, Merlin began to fondly correct Arthur’s collar. “You’re not alone and you were not the only one whom Agravaine deceived.”
Arthur found his heart aching at those words. Would he? Would Arthur always have Merlin? Because it felt like the man before him was no one Arthur should trust. But if Arthur couldn’t even trust Merlin- then who was left? What worth did his kingdom have, if not even it's leader was safe in it? “Then, whom would you suggest?”
“Gwen, perhaps.” Merlin wasn’t meeting Arthur’s eyes. “She’s been a loyal servant and knows the people better than most.”
Was Gwen in on Merlin’s secret? Was she his accomplice? “She’s also a servant. And I can’t just give her that position, not when we used to be-” Arthur exhaled. He’d gotten over Gwen’s betrayal, her kiss with Lancelot, but to see the both of them happy together after everything… Gwen had been enchanted and Lancelot had been a shade until they had managed to save them both. But the distance Arthur had needed to process his own feelings had brought the knight and Gwen closer together and now, now everything was complicated. Everything was always complicated. Arthur was happy for them, but he longed to have what they had. And it hurt to know how close he had been to that happiness, especially with how far away it was now.
“Perhaps you should give the position to her BECAUSE of what happened.” Merlin looked up to meet Arthur’s eyes. “You do trust her again, do you? She WAS enchanted and it would be a good thing for both of you to move past that.”
Arthur grimaced. “Sort of. It’s just- too soon, I think. And the people don't know that she was enchanted. If I made her my advisor, then I would signal to the people that I still love her and that I’m blind to reason.”
Merlin grimaced. “But you do still love her.”
That startled Arthur less than he had expected. “Not like I used to.”
“I fail to see how it would make you look blind to reason.”
“Merlin!” Arthur sighed and stepped away again. “I don’t want any more complications.” At which point, Arthur wondered again, would Merlin suggest himself next? Or would he remain naming his own friends for the position? This was Merlin's chance to rise higher in rank, to gain power, connections- anything that sorcerers were usually after.
“Perhaps Lord Barrington would be a good choice then.”
Arthur paused. Speak of the devil, Merlin had barely ever talked to Lord Barrington, let alone about him. “Why him?” Not to mention that the man was a born noble and openly despised magic. There was no way that Merlin truly trusted that man. Or was that man a liar as well?
“Well, he’s noble, yet kind. He’s sensible and the people he represents are among the happiest in your entire kingdom. Besides, he has personal grudges against Morgana that I can actually believe. Other than Agravaine.” Merlin sat down on Arthur’s bed once he was done with the collar, clearly ready to stay for as long as Arthur would need him. And Arthur did, actually, need him for a while.
“What about Sir Leon?,” Arthur gave back, fidgeting with his hands.
Merlin seemed to think about that for a moment. He wasn’t insisting on Lord Barrington, which Arthur noted with relief. Not because the Lord was unpleasant to deal with but because it made it easier to believe that Merlin wasn't suggesting him for ulterior motives. “I suppose Leon might be a good choice. He DID a lot of damage control while your father was bewitched by that troll. He listened to your father, but he also valued Camelot above his orders. You do need someone like that. Someone who is willing to speak up when you’re being a prat.”
Arthur stared at Merlin. No dismissal. That was a genuine assertion of Leon’s character, yet no insistance that Arthur should choose him. Leon, who had been loyal to Uther Pendragon, who had even killed magic users in the war, who was loyal only to the crown, to Camelot. Sir Leon was the very definition of knighthood, so why did Arthur feel so lost when Merlin confirmed Arthur’s thoughts?! Why did it confuse Arthur so much that Merlin was giving him (apparently) genuine advice? Left him in control instead of manipulating him? Arthur didn’t even feel at ease with Merlin in this room, how could he not find a flaw in Merlin’s logic?
Merlin smiled. “So, Sir Leon then?” Then he grimaced. “Oh no, does that mean more long and boring speeches about taxes? Urgh.” He laughed, however.
Arthur hesitated. He hesitated because he didn’t dare ask, but he needed to know. “What about you?”
Merlin’s smile slowly faded into confusion. “Me? What about me?”
“What if I made YOU my advisor?” Arthur half expected Merlin to jump to his feet to hug him. The other half expected Merlin to make fun of him for the mere suggestion.
However, Merlin just blinked twice before gaping at Arthur. “Me?!” He looked genuinely irritated. “I’m your servant- I don’t have the time- What do you mean, ME?!” It was the most shocked Arthur had ever seen him. And wasn’t that a thought?
Arthur hesitated once more. “Well, you HAVE shown that you’re a good judge of character.” ‘Other than I, who is a fool.,’ Arthur thought while forcing himself to sound reasonable and not afraid. Merlin did have a tendency to befriend people who ended up saving Camelot, did he not? “And you’re already advising me. You always do. So why not pay you to do it?” Why not insist on it? Why not ask Arthur? Why not DEMAND it?!
Merlin kept staring at Arthur as if HE were the illegal sorcerer who was hiding in Camelot for who knew what reason. “You’re serious.”
Arthur grimaced. Then, he took a deep breath and went back to his desk. There, he pulled out a scroll to hand it to Merlin. Merlin took it reluctantly. “If you sign this with your name, you shall be my official advisor.” Arthur waited and watched as Merlin’s eyes went wide as saucers. “Your responsibilities as my manservant will be transferred to George. You will be given your own little estate to run and you’ll be given a title. All you need to do is sign, make a pledge to Camelot and its future and you’ll get a raise, your own rooms and you no longer need to collect herbs. How does that sound?”
Merlin put down the scroll. “Are you sick?”
Arthur stared at him. This was, of course, still part of the test. A test, Arthur had expected Merlin to fail at the very first question. Merlin’s reaction, however, suggested that he was not interested in this position. He wasn't even considering it. As if he were exactly where he wanted to be. Which begged the question if that was a good or a bad thing.
“Arthur, you already said it yourself. I am your friend and I will always give you advise if you need me. But if you think I’ll give up my position as your servant-”
“Why not?” Arthur had to interrupt. This was ridiculous.
Merlin raised an irritated brow. “I’m PROUD to be your servant. Till the day I die, remember?”
Arthur bit his lip. In a way, the Merlin he had known had already died. “Is that it? Or is it easier to manipulate me when I think of you only as a servant?”
Merlin froze. “What?”
Arthur clenched his fist. Shit, he'd messed up. He closed his eyes. "Or is it-” Arthur had already lost the battle, but he would not lose the war. “That the pledge you’d have to make for Camelot is one you cannot make?” The pledge to Camelot required to never lie, never deceive, never use magic, never disobey the laws of Camelot and only ever act in Camelot’s name. Agravaine had been sly enough to break his vows but Merlin had always seemed like a man of his word. Arthur hoped, prayed, that Merlin had more honor than Agravaine.
Merlin stood up and put the scroll aside. Hurt flickered across his face but he schooled his expression into acceptance as he approached Arthur again. “What is this about?”
“Can you, or can you not make such a pledge?”
Merlin stared at him. For a moment, Arthur believed that Merlin would sneer at him, perhaps just storm out of the room or rant at him. But Merlin once again did neither. He seemed to sense that Arthur was worried, that this was serious. So, instead of making fun of him, he stood straight before Arthur, hand raised to his heart as if contemplating what he was going to say next. It took a moment for Arthur to understand that Merlin was making a pledge then and there. Arthur stepped backwards in shock.
“I swear loyalty to you, Arthur.” Merlin looked up, looking strangely determined. Fiercer even, than he had in that cave. “I cannot pledge my loyalty to Camelot. I cannot pledge to never lie, to never deceive, to only act in Camelot’s name, because I have already betrayed some of these virtues.” Before Arthur could respond, Merlin spoke up again, “I lied to defend Gwen when she was accused a sorceress, I helped Lancelot commit identity fraud, I helped YOU commit identity fraud to become Sir William. I have hidden a druid boy from your father and I have helped people, YOU, escape confinement in the dungeons or otherwise. I have once lied to Uther Pendragon to merely cover for you when you had your dates with Sophia, and many other things, some of which you know, some of which you don’t.” Merlin took another deep breath while Arthur lost his own. “But I pledge my loyalty to you, Arthur. I pledge that if I deceive anyone, I do it to protect you. If I ever break the law, it is for your sake and yours only. I am not able to do what I do in your name, but I do it all for your sake. I cannot be your advisor, because to me, Camelot comes second. I am your servant, Arthur. It's who I am and I take pride in that.”
Arthur’s breath caught again. HOW on earth was Merlin making such a deep pledge, so shortly after- after everything?! “Including magic?” He asked, his voice faltering as he asked it. As he broke the silence around the topic and laid the secret bare open for Merlin to see.
Merlin’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “Magic?”
Arthur steeled himself to face the answer to his question. “Did you, or did you not kill Agravaine with magic?” Arthur swallowed hard.
Merlin’s determined expression fell to fear. “You saw that?” No denial, only grief. When Arthur nodded, Merlin’s gaze was once again directed at the floor. “I was born with magic,” Merlin suddenly confessed, eyes squeezed shut.
Arthur stepped forward, hesitant and fearful. “You told Agravaine that.” Somehow, Merlin seemed so far away now.
Merlin’s eyes flickered open and he looked up at him. “And you still want me as your advisor?” How could Merlin look so confused? So out of his depths. As if he couldn’t understand why Arthur even asked to begin with?
Arthur didn’t know what to do. This had been a test. A simple test to see if Merlin was going to manipulate him. Yet, what he’d found was honesty and grief and full faith in Arthur. Merlin seemed fearful but not regretful of what would happen next. And that pledge- Arthur swallowed hard as he raised a hand to touch Merlin’s cheek. Merlin made no move to defend himself, nor to attack. What Arthur found was what he had always seen in Merlin. Complete and utter devotion. And that made no sense.
Arthur took another shaky breath. “You do know that using magic is punishable by death.” It even hurt to mention it.
Tears gathered in Merlin’s eyes but he seemed prepared for that question. “I never meant to put you in this position! I’m so sorry.” It came out a whisper, and finally there was regret in his expression.
Arthur clenched his jaw. "I-” He paused, his jaw relaxing as it occurred to him what Merlin was actually saying. Merlin was not asking for forgiveness for his actions, but something else entirely. “That’s what worried you? That I have to decide whether or not you live?”
Merlin lowered his head. “You’ve been betrayed so many times, I wish-” An actual tear ran down his face. “I wish I wasn’t-.” He squeezed his eyes shut again, “I didn’t have a choice in this. I AM magic, I couldn’t-” The tears fell to the floor, while Merlin was shaking in his boots. And Arthur realized that Merlin had seen no way around the betrayal. That this had never been his intention.
Arthur was struck dumb in his position.
A feeling was beginning to nest in his heart. A feeling he had not expected to rear its head so suddenly, and definitely not in this moment. Devotion wasn’t strong enough a term for what Merlin was portraying here. It didn’t do him justice. The Merlin Arthur had known had been devoted. This man, before him, this man was far more insane than that. And relief wasn't enough a word to describe what settled in Arthur's soul.
Arthur stepped closer, to see Merlin for who he was. Arthur’s mind had shattered before when he’d learned of the magic. Arthur had foolishly believed that he’d looked underneath a mask that Merlin had fooled him with. But Arthur had fooled himself. That determined, that murderous looking Merlin, THAT had been the mask. The mask that someone had to wear when he killed a person against his very nature. And this, this loyal, stupid, crying sorcerer, that was the real Merlin. The Merlin Arthur had always known. Arthur had just been too blind to see the embers in his eyes.
“You’re not.” Arthur let out in a breath. “You didn’t betray me. I can’t imagine you betraying me. You defeated Agravaine, you saved Came- you saved me.” Arthur didn’t know why his pulse was so quick, nor why he was suddenly so certain of Merlin’s true nature.
Merlin leaned his face into Arthur’s hand, eyes meeting Arthur’s and suddenly Arthur noticed how close they were. How their breath mingled and how Merlin’s gaze held his so fervently. Suddenly, Arthur was at a loss of what to do, and confused by what he wanted.
Merlin’s eyes glazed over as he leaned further into Arthur’s hand. “My magic is yours, Arthur. I wanted to tell you. Please, believe me. I’ve always- I should have told you.”
Arthur wanted to kiss him. Arthur wanted to wrap his arms around Merlin and pull him closer. He wanted to bury his face in Merlin’s neck to both comfort him and be comforted by him. The realization made Arthur do the very opposite. He stepped away, hand disconnecting from Merlin and yet tingling as he already missed the connection.
Merlin looked hurt as Arthur stepped away. However, he was quicker to gather his wits than Arthur was. Merlin cleared his throat and wiped off the tears. “Well, er-” He swallowed. “So, what do you wish to do now, my Lord?” The title was no longer said in jest.
Arthur kept staring at him while he rubbed the hand that had so carelessly caressed Merlin’s cheek. “I-” Arthur felt lost. “Do what?”
Merlin sniffed and cursed as he wiped off more tears. “Will you have me executed?” Again, he sounded accepting. As if this meant less to him than the grief he had caused Arthur by revealing the truth.
Suddenly the decision was simple. “I’m not going to execute you.” Arthur let out in a heavy breath.
Merlin met his eyes. “Then what of the law?”
Arthur stared at him. “The law. Right.” He cleared his throat again. “Well- I can’t just- change it, I mean-” Arthur was at a loss. When he found Merlin’s eyes he realized that he had a very hard choice to make. Repeal the ban on magic, or have Merlin killed. His breathing quickened. He felt lost, shaken by their conversation. And he could tell that Merlin wasn't expecting him to repeal the law. He was simply reminding Arthur of it, of Merlin's destined fate, of Arthur's responsibility.
Merlin seemed to know what was ailing Arthur too. “I can keep my magic hidden until you’ve made your decision. Maybe your new advisor can help you find a solution. If not Leon, then perhaps Gaius-”
“What?” Arthur stared at Merlin yet again. “Merlin, you WILL be my advisor.” Suddenly it was no longer a test. It wasn't even a question anymore. “You just pledged your loyalty to me.”
Merlin blinked. “As your servant.”
“Are you serious?!” Arthur let out a deep breath before he once again began to pace. “No, Merlin, it has to be you. I trust no one more than you, I-” Arthur interrupted himself, knowing how odd he sounded, given the circumstances.
“You do?” Merlin’s eyes went wide again.
“YES!” Arthur stressed. “I’m just - confused.” For more reasons than one. A part of him wanted Merlin to leave, another, far bigger part, wanted Merlin to stay here, by his side and keep affirming that Arthur could trust him. Arthur pulled at his own hair. This COULD be a ploy by Merlin to repeal the magic ban, so why did it feel like the very opposite?!
Merlin let out a relieved sigh. “I just mean- if you need time-”
“I-” Arthur closed his eyes for a moment. Merlin’s understanding and patience were a maddening comfort. “I think I do, yes.” Arthur let out a deep breath. He did need some time to think this through.
What would it look like if he suddenly applied Merlin, a servant, to the job of royal advisor? Let alone if that servant was revealed a sorcerer? People would believe that Merlin had bewitched him. People would believe that Arthur was enchanted and then Merlin would become a target to assassins - maybe making Merlin his advisor was a stupid idea after all?! But would keeping him his servant make that any better?
“Do you want me to leave?” Merlin’s voice was small.
“No.” Arthur knew that without a doubt. As maddening as the feeling was, Arthur did not wish to be alone right now. In fact, Arthur felt the distance between them deep in his bones and that was a whole different kind of maddening.
“Do you want me to stay?”
“No, I mean, yes, I mean-” Arthur fought with himself, unsure what he was asking for.
“Then- what do you need?”
What Arthur needed was for Merlin to remain still. To not move. To come forward and hug Arthur, or leave of his own accord. What Arthur needed was for Merlin to stay, so he may seek comfort from his presence and advice. What Arthur needed was for Merlin to be quiet, so Arthur may revel in his presence, or be gone so Arthur may clear his thoughts. Arthur had no idea what he needed, because he needed it all, and none of it felt right. It was a feeling so contradicting that it shouldn’t matter at all what happened next, yet there was a weight to that decision that Arthur couldn’t quite fathom.
Then, it occurred to Arthur that, perhaps, this wasn’t about him. “No, Merlin. What do YOU need?”
Merlin looked at Arthur, somewhat nervous, somewhat shy. “I need- to know what happens next.” He stepped closer. And once again, he was so close that it stole the air from Arthur’s lungs. “Will you repeal the ban? Should I remain quiet? Do you want to know more about my magic? Do you want to banish me? You may not-,” he swallowed, “execute me, but you might want me gone. Should I stay your servant or not? Are you making me your adviser because you trust me, or because you’re afraid of how close I am to you as your servant? Should I tell George to take over for a while so you can calm down before you make your decision?”
So close, Arthur could fully see Merlin’s trust and his devotion once again. It was a dangerous closeness. Like they were on the threshold of something else entirely. “And what do you want?” Arthur asked, as if the question wasn’t dangerous.
Merlin twitched a smile. “To stay by your side. In whichever way you’ll have me.”
Arthur realized in that moment that he was done for. Twice, today, had he had the urge to kiss Merlin when he really, really shouldn’t. And now his brain failed him as it could focus on that and that only. “Then you will be.” Arthur said, trying not to sound like he was already planning a spring wedding, and by the gods where did that thought even come from?
Merlin’s smile brightened just a bit. “So, no free days for me, huh?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not.” Arthur raised his chin if only to avert his eyes. Finally, finally he managed to steel himself. “I think we should keep your magic a secret for now. It would be too soon to reveal it without any proof that magic can be used for good. I WILL make you my advisor. And we shall begin bringing druids to council and talk with them and then, eventually, we can repeal the magic ban.”
The look Merlin gave him then would have been priceless if Arthur wasn’t currently fighting with his own mind. Had Merlin always had such plush lips? “We?”
Arthur held his breath. He no longer trusted himself, so he simply nodded. How was THAT the thing Merlin was focusing on anyway?
Merlin’s eyes glazed over once more and he seemed to be fighting himself from hugging Arthur on the spot. “Well then,-” Merlin cleared his throat, sounding hoarse and nervous. “I’ll go inform the court then. And George.”
“Yes.” Arthur nodded as Merlin slowly stepped away from him, as if uncertain, no, unwilling to depart. “We can talk tomorrow.”
“Great. Urm-” Merlin hesitated. “Thank you, Arthur. For- accepting me. I should have told you sooner. I should have-”
“I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to tell me.” Arthur didn’t know why it was so easy for him to see it now. “I understand why you didn’t. And I’m glad you told me now.” Arthur paused. “Or rather, that you didn’t deny it.”
Merlin smiled. “You had faith in me,” he said with conviction. “You saw me use magic and you asked me whether or not I was using it for you. You made it easy for me. Well, perhaps not always, but today. Today was- easier.”
Arthur’s smile twitched. What did that mean? Had Merlin tried to tell him before? Before Arthur could ask, Merlin had already gone out the door and shut it closed behind him. Arthur was left behind with his mind reeling and his brain steaming.
What had happened between the two of them just now?
If Arthur had thought that things between Merlin and him would be settled now, he’d been wrong.
Not only did Arthur have to endure comments and questions about his choice to make Merlin his royal advisor, he was also caught off guard every time Merlin entered a room. His heart would stumble over nothing and try to make up for its mistake in speed.
It made no sense. Arthur should be mad, he should be uncomfortable around Merlin, but he wasn’t. Arthur did, in fact, feel unarmed around him, defenseless too. Yet, for some reason, he didn’t feel afraid. He did feel like he was in danger, but it felt more thrilling than Arthur would have expected it to. It was entirely contradicting but he couldn’t help himself.
The day Merlin appeared in the court room wearing his very new advisor attire, Arthur’s mind short circuited. It must have been clear for everyone present to see because Arthur was sure steam was coming out of his ears. Merlin looked extremely good in black. He wore a simple blue tunic with a black coat on top, which made his eyes look just a tad bit bluer than usual. They were already dark and mysterious, but like this he could be mistaken for a demon. Or a handsome devil. Gosh, Arthur was definitely done for.
The council didn’t seem to have the same mental affliction (thankfully). Some of them kept muttering at Merlin’s sudden new attire and position. In the meantime, the knights of the round table congratulated Merlin on his new title, clapping him on the shoulder and laughed as they joked around.
“Finally, all that boot scrubbing has paid off, huh, LORD Merlin?!” Gwaine was the loudest of them all. He was telling EVERYONE. And when he saw Arthur, he would clap him on the shoulder as well, saying things like: “Finally you’ve gotten that stick out of your arse, huh, princess?” And then he would laugh very loudly and move on to the next person. Gwaine was a nightmare on legs.
Lancelot too was congratulating Merlin, but from afar, it looked like Merlin told him far more than he had Gwaine. It rubbed a sore spot in Arthur’s mind and Arthur found himself gnawing his jaw. Arthur had come to terms with Lancelot being with Gwen, but that he was also close with Merlin now really ticked him off. Always had, if he was being truly honest.
Just before the council meeting could begin, Arthur pulled Merlin aside. “Merlin- what are you and Lancelot whispering about?”
Merlin blinked up at him, all innocent and cutely and Arthur’s skin ran hot at the sudden close proximity. “I just told him-” He looked around self consciously before whispering in Arthur’s ear. “That you now know about my magic.”
Arthur froze. “He knows about your magic?”
Merlin startled in panic. “Not so loud!” He pushed a hand to Arthur’s mouth, shutting him up effectively. Although it also made Arthur’s brain loose its normal functions and that was decidedly counterproductive. “You said yourself it’s supposed to remain a secret, right? I didn’t tell him! He found out on his own! And he’s been helping me keep it secret because he knows I use it for you! I swear, he is not a traitor!”
Arthur finally managed to push off Merlin’s hand from his mouth. “You’re right, sorry.” At least about his voice being so loud. Arthur continued more quietly. “What do you mean he found out?! How careless are you?”
“Excuse me?” Merlin frowned. “What do you mean ‘careless’? It took you ten years to find out!”
“And how long did it take Lancelot?” Arthur crossed his arms, not sure why he was so angry in the first place.
Merlin frowned and pressed his lips into a line. “A week.”
“A WEEK!?” Arthur was angry, in fact, he was fuming. “A BLOODY WEEK?!”
Merlin glared at him and defiantly crossed his arms. “It’s not my fault that Lancelot is the smartest knight at the round table! Gaius only needed a day, so I’m actually a bit worried, but you guys really are thick in the head, so I suppose it's fine. IF you stop yelling about it in the bloody council room!”
Arthur opened his mouth, then closed it. “Wait, what about Gwen?”
“What about Gwen?”
“Does Gwen know?”
“About my magic?”
“Yes, about your magic!” They stared at each other for a while. Arthur had his arms crossed too now. If Merlin had not been discovered by Gwen, then that meant that maybe Merlin WAS good a keeping his secret. Gwen was the smartest person Arthur knew, so if she DIDN’T know- Wait, then what did that say about Lancelot and Arthur?
“She doesn’t.” Merlin finally said.
“Hmm.” Arthur glared at him, then deflated. “Alright, fine.” He took a deep breath. “Then, I’ll forgive you.”
Merlin’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t remember asking for forgiveness. What are you even mad about? You can’t be jealous that Lancelot knew before you, are you?”
Arthur felt his cheeks burn at that. “NO!,” he naturally denied. “What is there even to be jealous of?”
“Then what is your problem with Lancelot? Are you still not over Gwen?” Somehow, Merlin looked worried now, hurt perhaps.
Arthur instantly deflated, desperate to let Merlin know that there were no feelings of his left for Gwen. In fact, Arthur felt like that flame had flickered out the moment he'd learned of Merlin's magic (and gods, what a thought!). “What? No. Of course not! Not anymore, anyway! Why would you even think that?”Arthur noticed that he might sound a bit TOO convinced. “It has nothing to do with you anyway!”
Merlin’s expression soured. That was not good. “Yes, of course. I know.” He sighed. “Well, I suppose the council meeting is starting. It’s my first one, so I’d rather like to make a good impression.”
“Um-” Arthur felt strange. He didn’t like Merlin looking so mad for no reason. “Merlin, I-”
“Let’s go already.” Merlin brushed past him and took his seat right beside Arthur’s usual one. Which was, in fact, the one reserved for the royal advisor. He kept his arms crossed and his right leg resting on his left. His eyes were closed and he looked rather annoyed, yet totally composed. How was Merlin not nervous about his first council mission? Or had Arthur’s interrogation done that to him?
Arthur got the feeling that this conversation had absolutely not gone according to plan. To be fair, Arthur had gone into it without a plan to begin with.
Anyways, now Merlin was mad at Arthur and Arthur was more nervous about the council session than Merlin appeared to be.
Arthur was not dumb. He recognized a crush when he had one. And the one he had on Merlin was- well- bad. Really bad.
It wasn’t just the new looks, and not just the jealousy, and not just Arthur’s mind completely stopping to work whenever Merlin smiled at him, it ran deeper than that. Merlin was easy to listen to. He was smart, had simple solutions to complex problems and he spoke from more experience than any of the other council members were able to even comprehend. Merlin spoke like he had expecerience at leading a whole nation, rather than having been the servant of a sovereign.
It was almost odd, how quickly the council members were swayed by Merlin’s clever wit and the wisdom he carried like a second skin. After the first council session, no one criticized Arthur’s decision to trust Merlin any longer. And the best part was, people no longer muttered about the fact that Arthur used to give a servant so much of his attention. Not when they were now all invited to witness Merlin’s brilliance.
Arthur watched the change in his council with a mix of relief and worry. Relief because Merlin was practically solving his problems for him. Worry- because now that genius was no longer privy to Arthur himself and Arthur may have discovered that he was a bit possessive. That’s saying it was very bad. He’d found himself growling at Geoffrey when the man pulled Merlin aside after the meeting to ask him his opinion about some books. And Athur's growl, in turn, had Merlin push out his tongue at him.
Arthur shrank into his seat, pouting to himself. He should have kept Merlin as a servant. That way, he could have him all to himself. How dare his council members accept Merlin’s wit so readily? Didn’t they use to look down on servants? Or on anyone who tried to rise in rank? When Arthur had assigned commoners as knights, he’d met a lot of resistance. Why didn’t he now?
Gwaine’s hand knocked on the wood of the round table before him, before he entered Arthur’s line of view. “Hey there, princess. Did you and Merlin have a fight?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“I see, so you’re just jealous that he’s so popular, I see.” Gwaine grinned and flapped his hair around like a L'Oreal commercial. Or the medieval equivalent, I dunno.
“Merlin isn’t popular. My council is just- very accepting.”
“Pff, of course they are.” Gwaine sat down on the table. “You’ve been treating Merlin differently since the very beginning and you’ve always been glaring at anyone who doesn’t respect him. I fact, I’m surprised you haven’t made him your advisor sooner.”
Arthur gaped at him. “I have NOT been treating Merlin differently.”
“You have.” Gwaine said. Then frowned. “Hold up, you’re telling me you haven’t noticed?!” Gwaine sounded astonished. “Seriously? That wasn’t on purpose?!”
Arthur growled. “I am NOT treating him specially! Why would I even do that?”
“Fine fine.” Gwaine raised his hands to sign that he was backing off from the topic. “But maybe you should, then.”
“Hah?!” Arthur gave him a blank stare.
Gwaine put his arms behind his head, relaxed as ever. “You know. As a sign to anyone who may want Merlin for themselves now. Since he’s no longer your manservant, he’s no longer off limits. Making him your advisor gives him a bit more freedom and rank, so he's very desirable for more reasons than before, only that you can't hover over him like you used to. So, if you don’t, I might take a chance on him.”
Arthur jumped to his feet, anger flaring inside him. “There is no CHANCE for you to take.”
Gwaine’s grin widened mischievously. “Well, I thought so.” He winked before he jumped off the table. “I was kidding, by the way. Merlin is great, but I set my eyes on someone else. Someone who isn’t already obsessed with you.”
Arthur blinked, unable to speak as Gwaine skipped away like a little flower girl. Arthur made a mental note for the spring wedding. Then he shook off the image with a groan and tried to keep his blush at bay.
Maybe Arthur was wrong. Maybe Merlin HAD enchanted him.
To Arthur's relief and his crush's delight, Merlin couldn't seem to shake the habit of visiting Arthur in his rooms.
The moment the familiar steps echoed in Arthur's chambers for the first time since Merlin's promotion, Arthur jumped to his feet like a startled deer. He'd orginally expected to see George, so to recognise Merlin's steps were quite the surprise. “MERlin!” Arthur accidentally knocked over his ink bottle and cursed as it spread all over the tax report. Shit shit shit!
Merlin's eyes quickly glowed golden and Arthur had to watch in complete astonishment how the ink bottle filled itself back up and the parchment returned to its original form. Tax report in tact. Arthur's racing heart felt like it was melting. Arthur gaped as he looked up to meet Merlin's eyes and found the man nervously scratching his neck.
“I hope that wasn't too soon?”
Arthur's brain needed a moment to restart. “You're telling me, you could have done that the past 10 years whenever this happened?” Beautiful. Golden eyes were beautiful. How had no one ever told Arthur that Merlin was this beautiful? Had he have to learn that with his own eyes?
Merlin grinned. “I did, actually, do that when you weren't looking.”
“Oh.” THAT was what Merlin had been using his magic for? Arthur's felt a bit weak on his feet. Suddenly, the idea of Gaius' molten cheese face made a lot more sense. The man must have been horribly in love in his youth. Would Arthur end up looking like that too?
Merlin cleared his throat. “I brought wine.” Shyly, Merlin raised a bottle of wine with his right hand and glasses in the other. “I just thought- nobles usually celebrate their first day in court with wine, right?”
Arthur swallowed. “Erm- Yes.” Arthur was a KING, god damn it! He sometimes winged entire speeches in front of his people and now he could only let out syllables?
Merlin bounced forth and back on his feet. “I thought we could celebrate? Together?”
For some reason, Arthur was beginning to hope that there was poison in the wine. He wouldn't be able to survive that smile for long. “Uhum.” Great, Arthur, wonderful! You don't look like a total idiot at ALL!
Merlin bit his lip. ‘Okay, now he's just teasing.' Then, finally, Merlin put down the wine and glass on the table in front of Arthur's fire and pulled off his new black jacket. It was a rather warm night, especially in front of an open hearth. Then, Merlin pulled up two chairs and put them at the table.
Eventually, Arthur regained a flicker of his usual speaking ability and he cleared his throat. “Wouldn't you normally celebrate with- I don't know- Gaius? The other servants? Your friends- the knights, I mean?”
Merlin grinned at him. “Oh, we will have a celebration together this weekend. I didn't want to rush the other- I mean the servants, because the news were rather sudden. And I wanted to thank you.”
Arthur blinked. “Thank me? For promoting you?”
Merlin paused in his movement. At that moment, firelight painted him in a light that pushed the breath out of Arthur's lungs. By the gods, someone capture this moment, so Arthur could live off of it. What the actual hell? Arthur almost missed Merlin's response. “For reacting so well to my magic.”
Arthur's heart sank. “I didn't- not really. I just- I saw you kill Agravaine with it and I believed you to be a traitor. I was testing you. I just-” He fidgeted with his hands.
Merlin raised his brow. “Arthur, after everything magic did to you and your family, I wouldn't have been surprised if you'd killed me.”
“Killed you.” Arthur repeared the words in a whisper. The mere idea of it now seemed so far out of reach that it made Arthur sick to his stomach to think that the idea was so present in Merlin's mind. It made him sick to think he himself had considered it for a second.
Merlin looked down. “I appreciate that you didn't.”
Arthur forgot that he had been working on important papers just now and walked around his desk to join Merlin at the fire. Arthur stepped right into Merlin's space to put a hand on his shoulder, mirroring all the times that Merlin had done the same for him, and he hoped he could be half as comforting as Merlin was to him. “Merlin, listen. I could not imagine hurting you, so please, never thank me for something so ridiculous.”
“It's not ridiculous to me.”
“Well, it should be!” Arthur's glare was intense. “Your death would ruin me, do you hear me? It would ruin Camelot, it would ruin- everything.” His voice sounded desperate too, but Arthur had no idea how else to convey his feelings.
Merlin gasped and his eyes widened as he stared right up into Arthur's fierce blue irises. Something in them seemed to click. Then, suddenly, for a fragment of a moment, his eyes flickered to Arthur's lips. But by the time Arthur noticed the movement, Merlin had already grabbed his cheeks with firm hands, pressing their lips together.
Arthur froze in shock.
Merlin was warm, he noticed with a still heart. Merlin's lips were shaped to be kissed, he noticed in the next earth shattering moment. Everything that came after was a blur, as Arthur returned the kiss with as much vigor as he possessed. If there had been any self control left in him, he wouldn't even try to reach it now. His hands found purchase in Merlin's hair and it was Arthur who deepened the kiss. As Arthur's passion grew, Merlin seemed to relax into the hold, only ever gasping for air when Arthur's hold on him tightened. Merlin tasted of wine, like he'd already drunken something before he'd walked in. But who was Arthur to care about that? What Arthur did care about was the little sounds Merlin made when Arthur licked at his lips.
Arthur loved kissing Merlin.
When they pulled apart, Merlin blinked up at Arthur, swallowing hard. With the distance came the doubt, crashing back into both of them like they had been struck by lightning.
Merlin seemed shocked, but unable to form words and Arthur felt the very same. Both of them were panting, yet no one knew what to say to the other. Had this been a mistake? Had they taken it too far? Would Arthur recoil, thinking Merlin had enchanted him? Would Merlin think Arthur had been enchanted by someone else? Would Merlin apologise that he'd initiated the kiss? Should they stop now or go even further? The silence between them stretched as neither dared to move.
Arthur bit his lip, then he leaned in to kiss Merlin again, hesitating only to make sure Merlin wouldn't push him away. He kissed him softer and this time. Gentle and careful, to show he wasn't mad if that's what Merlin thought he was. That it wasn't a mistake and it was a test to see if Merlin would let him. And Merlin let him. He exhaled a relieved breath. There was no need to apologise, no need for excuses or explanations. It would have felt wrong to say literally anything.
Merlin cleared his throat as he stepped backwards. “Wine?”
“Yeah.” Arthur's voice was hoarse and perhaps a little louder than it should have been. His mind still had trouble processing what just happened. Was that a dream? Couldn't be, his lips felt swollen and he could feel his tongue tingling.
When Merlin poured him a glass, Arthur nearly downed it all in one go and felt the liquid burn around the lump in his throat.
“We should, erm-” Merlin made an odd movement with his head as he covered his nervousness by sipping on his wine. Then he licked his lips, and therefore completely eradicating Arthur's only chance to return to normal. “Sit?”
Arthur nodded and they both sat down before the fire. Arthur already filled himself another glass. The bottle would only last for one more, he would have to keep that in mind. “Should we talk?” Arthur asked. At Merlin's panicked expression, Arthur clarified. “About magic. Maybe.” Arthur cleared his throat. “We haven't really-”
“Yeah, yeah, sure. We should, erm.” Merlin nodded very quickly and directed his gaze towards the fire. “What I've done with it in Camelot.”
“Your story.”
“My story.”
“And why the druids call you Emrys.” Arthur reminded him. “You haven't explained that to me yet.”
“Yes, of course. The Emrys thing.”
“Yeah.”
Merlin nodded quickly. He seemed reluctant to start the topic anyway. “Well, it's me. Obviously. I'm Emrys.”
“We've established that.”
“Yeah.” Merlin nodded again. “I'm kind of a legend.”
Arthur grinned. “A legend?”
“Yeah. As in-” He cleared his throat, as if suddenly noticing that this wasn't a topic he actually wanted to talk about. “The Once and Future King and Emrys.” He sounded strained.
“The Once and Future King?”
Merlin winced. “Yeah- that's you. You're a legend… too.”
“We're legends.”
“Two sides of the same coin, so to speak.” The laugh Merlin let out sounded painful. “Destined to unite Albion and bring magic back… and stuff.” Merlin quickly took another sip from his drink.
Arthur almost spilled his own. What did Merlin mean ‘destined'? “Destined?” He asked, because his filter was failing him. ‘Two sides of the same coin?!?!?!?!' That sounded- Oh GODS! They were bloody SOULMATES? And Merlin had watched Arthur court Gwen? Shit shit shit- Arthur stared at a constantly shrinking Merlin before he decided that perhaps they should avert the topic once more. “Well that's- something.”
Merlin nodded. “It's certainly not nothing.”
Not nothing- Arthur wanted to pull out his own hair. An awkward silence settled between them and Arthur could no longer take it. “So, the wine- where did you get that from?”
Merlin sent him a very relieved smile at that promised nothing but gossip, but that was as much as Arthur's pounding heart could take at the moment.