Chapter Text
May your love never end, and if you need a friend
There's a seat here alongside me.
Assassin
Thane heard voices outside his room. He strained to hear them. His oxygen mask lay discarded on the side table. He wouldn’t need it much longer.
“I’m looking for a Drell. Green scales. Stab wound. He’s a regular patient here for Kepral’s Syndrome treatment? I’ve got a name for him, but he’s probably checked in under a pseudonym.”
Siha…
So she’d come at last.
“It’s all right. It’s all right,” the doctor soothed Shepard. “I see. Your… friend… lost a lot of blood. He was already in the final stages of—”
“Final stages?” Shepard’s voice broke.
“We’ve given him transfusions, but frankly there was a very limited supply of Drell blood on the Citadel—”
“Which is why I told anyone who’d listen to call his son! Fuck it. I’ll get more. Go to Kahje myself. I’ve got a fucking stealth frigate that hits 25 lights per day. Give me his blood type!”
“That’s not going to work. His son is with him now, but his body can’t replace lost blood with new cells. Too much shock. His son is… saying his goodbyes. You may want to say yours.”
“...Father?” Kolyat held his hand. Thane felt his nictitating membranes pressing on his eyes as they slid across to blink.
“A dear friend has come to see me,” Thane said. “You know her.”
Kolyat bowed his head in prayer. Being so close to death had brought Thane new awareness of the world’s small wonders. The peridot sheen on his son’s aqua blue scales, for instance, was something he’d failed to notice until now.
Siha was her own collection of small wonders that came together and formed a burning sunset sparkling on the sea. Tears swam in her ocean-green eyes. Kolyat turned to face her.
“Commander Shepard.” He greeted the Human respectfully. “My father mentioned you were no longer incarcerated. I don’t know if you rememb—”
“Of course I remember you, Kolyat.” She smiled and a few tears escaped. “Who do you think told the hospital to get your ass here? Thane… Shouldn’t you be on a respirator?”
Kolyat answered for him while Thane gathered his strength. “He asked me to take off his oxygen mask so he could be more comfortable. I… don’t think it’ll be long now.”
“...What?” Her voice sounded so small, weak and afraid. That wasn’t how a siha’s voice should sound. Shepard cleared her throat and spoke again with more confidence, but now Thane knew it was feigned. “Your father helped me save a-alot of lives. I…I’d like to be here.”
“Of course.” Kolyat stepped around to stand by the head of Thane’s bed. No one stood between him and the Commander now.
“Siha,” Thane said, “I’m afraid I won’t be joining you again.”
“You’ve done more than enough, Thane. Just… just rest, okay?” She sat on the edge of the hospital bed with her weight on one hip and laid her hand on top of his. He drew her hand to his chest, feeling her warm fingers on his scales.
“That assassin should be embarrassed,” Thane wheezed. “A terminally ill Drell managed to stop him from reaching his target.”
“Twice,” his siha said. Thane’s lips turned up in a weak smile.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Twice.” Thane took a labored breath. “There is something I must do before it gets worse. I must—” he coughed and tasted more blood in his mouth as pain lanced through his chest. Thane swallowed. Siha didn’t need to see how far he’d fallen. Kolyat once more bowed his head and clasped his hands in prayer.
“Kalahira,” Thane recited the words, “mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand—” Another fit rattled his lungs and stole his voice. How could he pray if he could barely speak?
Kolyat finished the invocation. “Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.”
The fit subsided. Thane gazed on his son with new respect. “Kolyat, you speak as the priests do. You’ve been spending time with them.” Perhaps Thane had imparted something of merit to Kolyat. His faith, the ancient faith of the Drell, was rarely practiced in its entirety. If he’d saved his son from the path of murder and set him on the path of piety… That was something he could die happily knowing. Now if he could die in the knowledge that siha’s soul would find peace as well…
Kolyat nodded in understanding. He stepped to Shepard’s side and opened a small prayer book, indicating another plea to the goddess. “Commander, would you care to join me?”
Thane listened in silence as his siha prayed for her own redemption. As she neared the end of the prayer, she realized its intent.
I would not burden you with the weight of my true feelings, siha, but know that you have saved my soul and I wish to return the favor.
Thane Krios took his last breath. Before it left his lungs, siha’s lips brushed his cheek as she whispered “Goodbye, Thane. You won’t be alone long.”
When Kalahira took him, her ocean was the same green as siha’s eyes.
Paragon
Kolyat pointed to a line on the page of the tiny book. How long had it been since Shepard saw someone carry around a paper book? She could smell the leather binding and the worn ink and pages. Kolyat started the prayer, “Kalahira, this one’s heart is pure but beset by wickedness and contention…”
“Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve.” Shepard glanced up at Thane who was staring at her and clutching her hand. “Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me.” Shepard paused. “Wait… why does the prayer say ‘she’?”
“It wasn’t for him,” Kolyat said. “He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken. His wish was for you.”
Your fault.
Thane was smiling at her. Shepard saw her face reflected in the void-black of his eyes. And that was when everything fell into place.
Your fault.
James and Javik had been right, and Shepard hadn’t had a single goddamn clue.
Your fault.
She watched Thane’s chest rise and fall. One of these breaths, she didn’t know which, would be his last. Shepard leaned down and whispered her goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. She could give him that much. She closed his eyes with a shaking hand and Thane Krios was no more.
“Kolyat, can you tell me one more thing?” Shepard addressed the younger man. “Thane would call me ‘siha’. What does it mean?”
Kolyat bowed his head. “It is the name of the warrior angels who serve Arashu, and is often bestowed as a term of endearment on women who display their qualities.”
Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.
Her heart hammered the words onto her ribcage, a permanent reminder that she’d failed yet again. She collapsed onto Thane’s now lifeless chest and begged forgiveness not from a god, but from a dead man who could never give it to her. “Thane, I’m sorry,” Shepard sobbed. “I didn’t know…”
Why hadn’t he told her? Why hadn’t he come out and put his feelings into the open? Why was Shepard only learning of them now on his literal deathbed? She could have actually talked to him about this, had a real conversation so he wasn’t pining for months and months while she… she…
Acted like an insensitive bitch and flaunted your actual alien boyfriend in front of another alien who wanted to be your boyfriend.
He could have at least gotten some fucking closure! Moved on! Gone back to pining for his dead wife! Fuck, with how he talked about Irikah, I thought there was no fucking way he…
Well he was. He was in love with you. You did this, Jane. Not me. You insist on being buddy-buddy with everyone. This is where it gets us. You gave Kaiden the wrong idea from the start. You led Jacob on. You fucked up Garrus’s position in the Hierarchy. You invited James’s harassment. And YOU killed Thane.
Kolyat patted Shepard’s back. “He was at peace. Death was something my father came to terms with long ago.”
Shepard could get over death, killing other people wasn’t a problem. Someone she knew, one of her friends dying, that was something she refused to accept. The first rule of the Normandy, her rule, was “nobody dies.” Shepard allowed Kolyat to draw her away from Thane’s body while the various medical professionals swarmed the room. They were swiftly directed outside.
Shepard rubbed at her eyes and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “Sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t be so much of a mess right now. He was your dad.”
“My father cared very deeply for you,” Kolyat said. “If anyone has as much of a right to mourn as I do, it would be you.”
A little body slammed into Shepard’s legs and two tiny arms reached up to hug her waist. “Jane!” Theia’s high-pitched squeal of delight sliced through the somber air.
“Hey kiddo.” Shepard cleared her throat. “Where are your moms at?”
Scoots and Morana didn’t appear to retrieve the little girl, however the agitated voice of Solana Vakarian could be heard grumbling about babysitting when she was supposed to be on ER detail. “Spirits, Theia, would it kill you to not take off through the hospital every time you see a Human with red… hair…” She came to a stop. “Huh. Well… this is embarrassing.”
“I don’t every time,” Theia argued. “Only when I know it’s Jane.”
Lana rolled her eyes. “Listen, little bit, Jane’s busy talking to…” Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened when they landed on the young Drell man. Shepard saw the adolescent Turian’s mandibles twitch like her brother’s did when he was feeling some kind of way about something.
Shepard knew that look. She bit her tongue to keep from laughing. Laughter wasn’t what she needed right now.
“I have arrangements to make, Commander,” Kolyat said. “I’ll be keeping in touch. My father would have wanted it.”
“Okay,” Shepard said. “See you around.”
Solana waited until Kolyat disappeared into the throng to whisper, “Who the hell was that and… why the fuck is he cute?”
Shepard finally let herself crack the smile. “Kolyat Krios. His father was one of my crewmates. As for why you think he’s cute… that’s a you question, Lana.”
“Jane, why are you sad?” Theia asked.
Shepard scooped the child off the floor and carried Theia on her hip like she used to do for the younger kids in her gang. “Because one of my good friends got hurt in the attack, and he didn’t make it.”
“He died?” Theia blinked big, teal eyes at her.
“Yes, Theia,” Shepard sighed. “He died.” She headed back towards the patient lounge. “Lana, I’ll keep an eye on this one until one of your moms can come get her. You get back to the ER, deal?”
“Deal,” Lana said. “Thanks, Jane!” She ran deeper into the hospital, waving over her shoulder.
Theia laid her head on Shepard’s shoulder. “Everyone’s too busy for me. Lana says she has to work. Momma and Mommy have to talk. You and Garrus are always gone.” She stuck her thumb in her mouth. Her Thessian seahorse plush hung by its neck from the crook of her elbow.
Shepard tugged Theia’s too-big jacket back up around her tiny shoulders. “I know a place that’s tons of fun, and I can get you all the hot chocolate you can drink. Sound good?”
Theia nodded eagerly. “Yeah.”
“Okay. One pit stop first. Gotta get you the right gear.”
Shepard outfitted Theia in a child-sized version of her own skating gear, only the little girl got a full-sized shirt to replace the N7 jacket. They used the jacket to bundle up her plush seahorse and set it on the kiosk with Shteve to guard their hot chocolate.
“Alright, Theia,” Shepard said from the ice. “Come on out. It seems hard at first, but once you get your balance it’ll be a lot easier.”