Chapter Text
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven.
There's nothing you can say to stop me going home.
LC
“Okay, Tali, you dragged me in here, we have chips, crackers, some sort of Quarian nutrient paste that you swear tastes like cheese, and the last bottle of purple Gatorade for Shep.” Ashley set out the various snacks and drinks along the bar. She wasn’t interested in the alcohol tonight. “What else did we need?”
“Something to watch,” Tali said. She flopped onto a couch and flicked the remote for the vid-screen on the wall. The Normandy had amassed two things in its many travels through the galaxy: a massive library of old Earth alt rock, and a massive library of Earth films. Both were reflections of her captain.
EDI was the next one to enter the observation lounge. The AI’s mech sported what passed for her pajamas, a matched pale pink velour leisure suit. “I have finished sanitizing the cosmetics.”
“Good, now we just have to wait for Jane,” Tali said as EDI lined up the eyeshadow palettes and other tools of their Quarian friend’s artistry.
“Who all did you invite, Tali?” Ashley asked, eyeing the door.
“EDI, Sam, Diana, Steve’s busy with the shuttle so he said no, Garrus, Jane, Joker’s busy flying the ship so he said no, Dr. Chakwas said it was too much excitement for her, James said he didn’t want to take sides…” Tali counted on her fingers. “I didn’t invite Javik, I think, of everyone on the ship. He can be kind of a buzzkill.”
“Commander Javik’s fixation on the Reapers simultaneously counts for and against the Commander bringing him on a mission,” EDI stated. “I have calculated shore party compatibility for all crew members using my friendship analysis algorithms. I have identified over 500 key data points influencing relationships among organics, and as I continue to run the simulations more become apparent.”
Relationship advice from an AI. Was Ashley really there yet? “Anything you can glean from my failings with Liara?”
EDI paused. “I do not believe I possess the available memory to perform the calculations at this time. Perhaps later when I am not at risk of stack overflow?”
“You didn’t fail anything, Ashley,” Tali asserted from the couch. “Liara is the one who fucked up.”
“I don’t know.” Ashley picked at the end of her braid. “Maybe… Maybe I got all starry eyed and rushed into something neither of us were ready for.”
“She decided to marry you, you know,” Tali countered. She’d finally settled on a genre of vid and scrolled through everything by Disney. “She didn’t have to do that.”
“Since when do Quarians watch Disney?” Ashley sat on the arm of the couch next to Tali, who had stretched out.
“Remember back on the SR1 when Jane and I stayed up swapping stories about Human and Quarian culture?”
Ashley shook her head. “I didn’t hang around the aliens too much, remember?”
“Oh yeah. You used to really not like me.” Tali looked down at the remote and held it up to Ashley. “Do you want to pick something? This is your pity party, after all.”
“I don’t think that translated right at all,” Ashley said.
“What did I say?”
Ashley repeated what Tali said and watched the Quarian’s glowing lavender eyes widen.
“What the fuck? Those are two entirely different concepts! How… I don’t… Ugh…” She let herself flop again, arm dangling off the couch and head lolling back to stare up at the ceiling. “Someone needs to fucking fix that. I’m going to fucking fix that. Someone get me a laptop. I’m hacking the omni-linguistics master database.”
“Security protocols may inhibit editing,” EDI said. “I can perform a targeted cyberattack if you’d like.”
“We may not need to do that right now,” Ashley said. “You said we were having a… well, maybe not a party, but…”
“Someone said party?” Shepard stood in the doorway, bare toes peeking out from under the hem of her black sweats and hands entirely invisible, swallowed by sleeves that were much too long. The ill-fitting shirt clearly wasn’t hers, but belonged to the alien man behind her with a large red bowl of something that looked like popcorn in his hands.
“I learned my lesson three years ago,” Garrus said. Ashley always forgot just how skinny Turians looked without their armor. Like a big, scaly, naked chicken. “This is my grexan. No one touch it.”
“Not even me?” Tali whinged.
“No.”
Ashley scrolled through the video library some more before coming to stop on a beloved family classic. “I don’t think I’ve seen this one in a while,” she said. “It’s pretty overtly religious, so not very popular. And not exactly kid-friendly.”
Shepard ambled around to face the screen next to Ashley. “Oh yeah. Half of the people in my class did their textual adaptation midterm essays on Hunchback . I opted for something different.”
“Which one did you pick?” Ashley was curious. Shepard didn’t talk much about college with her despite the mutual uselessness of their degrees, English for Ashley and film studies for Shepard.
“ Howl’s Moving Castle , figured it would be less triggering to watch on repeat.”
“Triggering?” Ashley raised an eyebrow.
Shepard shrugged. “Some of it reminds me of the gangs.” She wrapped her arms around herself and shuddered, flinching like someone had unexpectedly touched her ear. She opened her eyes and took a few deep breaths through her mouth. “I relate to a lot of characters, we’ll leave it at that. Also relate to some of them in Howl’s Moving Castle too, but for less trauma-related reasons.”
“At one point during the film’s runtime,” EDI said, “the protagonist’s love interest turns into a giant bird.” She looked pointedly at a flustered, blushing Shepard, and then at Garrus, who was too busy playing keep away with Tali using his bowl of grexan.
“Get your own, you miniscule, tiny, needling, little—” He jerked back when Tali jumped and narrowly spilled the bowl all over the carpet.
“Why are so many Turian insults just calling people ‘short’?” Ashley asked.
“The only species in the galaxy comparable with Turians in height are Elcor and Krogan,” EDI stated. “However, their heights are measured at different places than their heads.”
“Never thought about it,” Garrus said. He held Tali at bay with one hand on her helmet while she swiped at the air with her arms.
“Babe,” Shep said, “just share with her. You know she won’t stop.”
“Fine…” Garrus huffed. He grabbed a pint glass off of the rack behind the bar and scooped out a serving of grexan. “There. That’s all you get.”
“For now,” Tali said ominously. She snatched the glass and greedily popped a few kernels into her mouthpiece. “Ahh… Delicious crunchy goodness.”
“So, if this is gonna be too rough for you to watch, Shep, I can pick something else.” Ashley scanned the other vid files displayed on the screen.
Shepard shook her head. “No. I’ll be fine. I think now after having actually seen a city burning to the ground, it’s like I’ve actually been through worse so the other stuff shouldn’t affect me anymore, right?”
“You know that’s not how that works, sweetheart.” Garrus, now freed of Tali’s aggressive negotiations, came to wrap an arm around Shepard.
“Yeah…” Shep scratched the back of her neck. “The rapid onset claustrophobia is definitely proof of that.”
“I made sure we got this out for you before anyone else could get it.” Tali pushed the bottle of purple gatorade into Shepard’s hands.
“Thanks, Tali.” Shepard smiled. “Hope this isn’t the last one of these in the whole fucking galaxy. Otherwise I’ll look back on tonight with nothing but regret.”
“Nothing?” Garrus pulled Shepard tightly against him, leaning down just enough to grab her ass. Ashley felt a little pang of jealousy. Why the fuck did Shepard have to get the stable, loving alien boyfriend and half the damn ship crushing on her? What was it about Commander Goddamn Shepard that drew people in, Ashley included?
“Can you guys… tone it down?” Ashley asked.
Shepard, red-faced with Garrus whispering something in her ear, pushed the Turian away halfheartedly. “Babe, she’s right. You don’t comfort someone after a break up by doing cutesy shit with your own partner.”
“It is inadvisable to flaunt the very thing someone has just lost,” EDI said. She took a place on the sofa and settled into the corner, one elbow on the couch arm and her legs tucked underneath her. When Shepard sat on the opposite side of that same couch, she and EDI could have been bookends. Garrus took the space between them, which left Ashley and Tali to the other couch. Ashley stretched out on the chaise longue and Tali positioned herself so that she could pester Shep for more of Garrus’s grexan when hers ran out.
“I don’t guess the others you invited are coming, Tali?” Ashley craned her neck to look towards the door.
Tali shrugged and mumbled something with her mouth full.
“Go ahead and pick whatever you want, Ash,” Shep said. “No restrictions.”
“You’re sure, Shep?” Ashley studied Shepard’s face in the dim starlight coming through the windows. She looked normal, or as normal as she could look after getting built back from a corpse and thrown headfirst into hell.
“Yeah. I know my limits. If you wanna watch the beautifully animated story about overcoming a lifetime of abuse and overthrowing an unjust power system with fantastic music and some tonally inconsistent humor, go for it.” Shepard jammed her feet under Garrus’s ass. The Turian shifted and grumbled with his mouth full while rolling his eyes.
“Jane, if you’re cold already I can run back to our room and get one of your blankets.”
“It’s not the cold,” Shepard said. “It’s more I need to be touching someone.”
“You’re a lot more touchy than before you died,” Ashley observed. She set the vid to play. “Maybe not with Tali or Liara, but everyone else certainly. Was it just Alliance military decorum stopping you?”
Shepard shrugged. “I mean… Tali and Liara weren’t soldiers like the rest of us. I guess I felt like I could be a little more informal.”
“Hey, I at least knew how to hold a gun,” Tali cut in. “I knifed a motherfucker in the neck when you met me.”
“I would like to observe the vid with minimal distraction,” EDI said, shutting down the chatter.
“Can’t she just analyze the entire thing in two seconds?” Garrus asked quietly.
“Babe. Shush. It’s about the experience, not the information.”
“If this is to continue, Commander, I may forget to cycle the ship’s oxygen again.”
“You’re joking… right?” Shepard briefly turned white.
EDI sighed. “I see that line will no longer produce the desired reaction.”
“Shhhhhh!” Tali hissed. “I never saw this one before!”
Out of the corner of her eye, Ashley noticed Shepard shift around to tuck herself under Garrus’s arm. She could easily turn her face to hide it in the part of his shoulder that roughly corresponded to the space between collarbones and shoulder blades on Humans. Turian skeletons resembled some bizarre cross between a bird and a turtle, and where the carapace didn’t cover was prime for causing damage. Ashley blinked a few times and shook her head. She didn’t need to focus on that kind of thing. Turians were allies, not enemies. She knew how to kill them, sure, but only under extreme circumstances. She was glad she hadn’t needed to use the extra lessons from Thane yet. She sometimes prayed she wouldn’t need to use them at all.
Ashley quietly nibbled on some buttery crackers that reminded her of when she was a kid sitting on the kitchen counter while her mother made Ritz casserole. It had just been shredded chicken, cheese, some potatoes, cream of whatever soup, but those crushed up Ritz crackers on top were what made it special.
Intelligence
EDI attempted to devote enough processing power to immerse herself in the experience of a “movie night” with friends. She had been to a theater on a date with Jeff, but this was something different. This was casual and, for lack of a better term, warm. The atmosphere was best described as inviting. Anyone on the crew could walk in at any point in time and be welcome here.
Tali kept her eyes glued to the screen, wide and unblinking. Eras of Quarian history that roughly corresponded to what the vid depicted were several millennia past. The Geth uprising had occurred during Humanity’s 1800s, and even with the exponential growth of technology taken into account, the Quarian “medieval” era had been in roughly 1000 BCE. Without a nearby Council race to uplift them, the Quarians had uplifted themselves, learning many technological advancements the so-called hard way.
EDI pulled her mind back from the rabbit hole it had gone down. She watched the screen, the room, and the rest of the ship simultaneously. The crew deck’s mess hall was taking more attention than she wanted. Liara and Javik had run into each other, and while Lieutenant Vega was decent at defusing conflict, the enmity growing between the pair of aliens was beyond his capabilities.
“Commander,” EDI whispered, “an incident is developing outside between Liara and Javik. You may need to intervene.”
“Shiiittttt…” Shepard drew the word out. She closed her eyes and burrowed into Garrus’s chest. “I’ll be back.”
“Sure you don’t want backup? They’re both biotics.”
Shepard shook her head. “One already threw you against a wall twice. Far as I know they won’t try to hurt me. Physically, at least.”
“Didn’t you tell me that emotional and physical pain are the same thing for Human brains?”
“What are you whispering about?” Tali interjected.
“Liara and Javik are about to throw hands in the kitchen,” Shepard said. She got herself off the couch and stretched her arms above her head. “I’ll be back. Gotta check on the kids.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Ashley asked.
Shepard shook her head again. “No, because I don’t think Liara wants to see you when she’s already pissed at Javik for dropping an existential crisis on her head.” The Commander approached the door. “If EDI tells you I’m unconscious, then you guys can come after me.”
“Jane?” It was Tali, not Garrus, who called after the Commander.
“Hm?”
“Be careful.”
After the door closed, EDI posed a question to the remaining organics in the room. “Why do my heuristics lead me to believe that this will end poorly?”
“Because they will,” Ashley said. She paused the vid screen.
“I’m scared of Liara, and I might be more scared of Javik,” Tali said, shrinking down on the couch.
“Really?” Ashley raised an eyebrow at Tali. “You’re scared of her?”
“Biotic, remember?” Garrus said. “And if she’s jealous of me, I can only imagine how she feels about Tali. She’s already proven she’s not above physically lashing out at us.”
“We have our disagreements,” Tali said, “but I never thought I’d say I’m scared of someone I consider a friend. I mean… Garrus, you and Jane do scary shit. I’d never want to be on the wrong end of either of your guns, but I never have to be worried that I’ll end up there. Same for Wrex or Grunt, even. They could snap me in half by looking at me funny, but I don’t ever feel like they’d want to hurt me on purpose and… and… I’m rambling… Dammit…” Tali covered her visor with her hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“My observations of the Commander indicate that she will likely forgive Liara and urge team cohesion,” EDI said. Shepard had a long track record of offering second chances to people she had recently met. Liara’s relationship with Shepard extended to the very beginning of the galaxy’s conflict with the Reapers, potentially prior to the dawn of EDI’s intelligence and self-awareness in the Alliance Luna Base. Shepard had long since forgiven Jeff for being the cause of her death. “However, I am uncertain about her ability to resolve the situation to everyone’s favor. I am aware of the private conversation the three of you had in the barracks. I am aware of all private conversations. They provide valuable data to continue developing my own understanding of ‘relationships’.”
“Jane’s too forgiving for her own good,” Garrus said. “She’ll put up with more than she has to, more than she deserves. I love her for it, but I know others have taken advantage of her because of it.” He kept his eyes on the door. EDI detected a slight difference in his posture. Garrus was readying himself in case he needed to assist the Commander.
“Where do you stand on the whole ‘Jane forgiving Kelly’ thing?” Tali asked. “I know Liara’s pissed. That’s what kicked off this whole mess. She cornered me in engineering and practically demanded I get Jane to take Kelly’s name off the wall.”
Ashley frowned. “Why didn’t you say something about that?”
Tali shrugged. “I didn’t want it getting back to Jane.”
Garrus pulled his mandibles close to his jaws. “I don’t agree with what Kelly did, but I’m not the one she hurt. Just like I don’t agree with what Liara’s doing, but I’m not the one she’s hurting.” He turned to Ashley. “How do you want us to handle this?”
EDI observed Ashley’s reaction intently. The Human closed her eyes and breathed deeply through her nose. “I… I still don’t know. Everything… It was all so fast. I might have reacted before I had time to think about it. I… I accused Li of some pretty serious stuff and I don’t think I’m entirely wrong, but I’m afraid I’m not entirely right either.”
“Due to my heuristics allowing the formation of preferences and attachments, I am finding my decisions inclined to favor you over Liara,” EDI said. “We have more experience working together. You were present on the ship shortly after my shackles were removed. I identify in you many of the qualities I would like to develop in myself.”
“So you’re saying we’re closer friends than you and Liara?” Ashley asked.
EDI nodded. “Precisely. I have noted that Liara exhibits the same tendencies towards overwork as the Commander, however she exhibits very few tendencies towards socialization and nurturing her connections to others. The Commander takes her time to attend to each crew member after a mission if possible.”
“That’s what a captain does,” Tali interjected. “They’re the caretaker of the entire ship.”
“If you’re ordering a man to his death, the least you can do is get to know him,” Garrus said.
“Yes. Morale hinges on feeling personal connections and fostering loyalty,” EDI stated. “I have developed these same feelings towards all of you, however I have not been able to form a meaningful connection to Liara.”
“It’s her own fault,” Tali asserted. “Holing herself up all the time, barely taking an interest in whatever else is happening on the ship. If it’s not related to the Crucible or Jane, she doesn’t want to hear it.”
“Hey!” Ashley’s voice was sharp. “I didn’t see either of you taking the time to check on her. You’re not being fair, Tali.”
“Well what were we supposed to do?” Tali cried. “We were… busy…” She looked down at her hands in her lap. “I… Keelah…”
“Garrus had attempted to speak with Liara following the discovery of Banshees at the Ardat Yakshi monastery,” EDI pointed out.
“Yes, and she kicked me back onto the crew deck so quickly that I thought the door would snap my spurs off on the way out.” Garrus’s crest twitched, bony spines wiggling in lieu of his mandibles to display his agitation. “I know no news is good news, but I’m worried about what’s happening out there.”
EDI reviewed the security footage from the last several minutes. “Shepard remains unharmed. She is deescalating the situation with the assistance of Lieutenant Vega.”
“I’m just glad we invested in reinforced bulkheads,” Garrus muttered.
Candidate
James rooted through the fridge for a little midnight snack. Lola wouldn’t mind. She hoarded provisions like there was no tomorrow, and in a way there might not be. What was a single military grade sausage biscuit among crewmates? Wasn’t like everyone else was missing much. James could make a better sausage biscuit in his sleep with his hands tied. Still, calories were calories and he popped the little plastic package in the microwave after slitting the top open with a paring knife. The cooking utensils in the Normandy’s kitchen were definitely higher quality than what was typically seen on a military vessel. If James looked closely, he could see tiny Cerberus hexagons scratched off the black plastic handles.
Are they really so vain that they branded everything?
He supposed Cerberus toilet paper would be oddly fitting considering how many times the Normandy’s crew had wiped their collective asses with the organization’s paramilitary arm. Kai Leng, though… That bastard was tough, cheap but tough. He’d outsmarted the Commander a couple of times now.
James heard heavy footsteps behind him. He looked over his shoulder and saw Javik approach. The Prothean knelt and pulled a red mug with a green “J” out of the cabinet beneath the coffee makers. James raised a brow. That was his mug. Javik returned the side-eye like it was a challenge. James thought better of starting something over a coffee mug. Best to pick his battles like Shepard.
Javik opened the refrigerator and removed the communal gallon of milk, filling the mug. He then waited behind James at the microwave. “We will need our strength for what is to come. If your Illusive Man is indoctrinated, then this Sanctuary is anything but.”
“Yeah,” James agreed. “Lol— Commander’s shaken. Lotsa families went to Sanctuary from the docks. Even I’m worried about what we’re gonna find.” He took his biscuit out of the microwave and shifted to the side, dragging the plastic package along the counter by the edge to avoid burning the shit out of his hand.
Javik set his mug of milk inside and punched the timer. “I meant what I said about the Reapers turning our own children against us. When war drags on for generations, you become numb to the shock. They are not Prothean, merely smaller targets.”
“Well, we ain’t exactly there yet,” James said. He delicately pulled the plastic apart to reveal a steaming sausage biscuit. The ship had run out of mustard about a week ago, leaving James to eat it dry.
“I am curious to see how your Commander and the little Asari will react to seeing the husked forms of your species’ young.” Javik pulled a tea bag from one of the many boxes lined up along the back of the counter. “It is a test we did not allow our women to undergo. They were too valuable to breed the next generation of soldiers in our fight against extinction.”
“You ever heard the expression ‘don’t get between a mama bear and her cubs’?” James asked with his mouth full. He swallowed hard and regretted not getting a drink to go with the dry biscuit. When all Javik did was blink his four eyes at James, the Human continued, “On Earth, nothing’s scarier than a mother. Yeah, Human women don’t have the muscle mass of someone like yours truly, pero ellas son muy feroces.”
A new pair of footsteps approached then quickly halted. James looked away from Javik to see Liara standing between her office and the kitchen with a look of utter disappointment on her face. Her mouth hung slightly open and her browline wrinkled. “I… had hoped nobody would be out here,” she said softly. “I’ll be going.” She began to turn around but James called out to stop her.
“Kitchen’s a common area, bluebell. Come get yourself something to eat at least.” James glanced sideways at Javik. “It’s neutral ground. Peaceful. Right, Prothy?”
Javik shrugged and dunked his tea bag into the mug of warm milk. He left the microwave to stand at the end of the kitchen island furthest from Liara to let his milk tea steep. “I have nothing more to say than what has already been said.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Liara snapped. “What else do you know that you’re hiding from me?”
Javik held up one hand in a gesture of peace. “I have no more words, Liara T’Soni. We now prepare for actions.”
“Your scientists had fifty thousand years to prepare and look at what they did! Nothing!” The air around Liara shimmered with a faint purple glow.
“Our time came to an end,” Javik said. “We tried to plan for the future and our plans failed. What more would you have us do?” Javik calmly sipped his homemade tea latte and frowned.
“I ain’t sure there was anything else you could do, Prothy,” James said. Protheans had left behind the archives and the beacons, they had sabotaged the Reapers’ main strategy for attacking the galaxy and insured that the next cycle would have more time, and they’d even tried to preserve their people to carry their knowledge into the next cycle. Liara was doing something similar with her time capsules.
“Don’t take his side,” Liara tried to order James. Even if she was the Shadow Broker, she still wasn’t his CO. James raised his eyebrows and watched Liara seethe when he didn’t give an immediate apology and change his mind. “If the Protheans were supposedly gods,” Liara said, “then why are they so useless now?”
“Look around you,” Javik boomed. “We ride in a carriage propelled by indigo fire through the stars, heal grievous wounds with a simple salve, and among our ranks are those who perform miracles by bending nature to their will.” Javik’s hand glowed green to illustrate his point. “In this moment, we are as your gods were, and you have surpassed them.”
“I see no gods here,” Liara growled. “I see a pathetic old man clinging to glory and vengeance when his time passed long ago. I see failure and disappointment. I see the reason my planet is burning. Thousands of years of civilization, the most advanced in the galaxy, and all your meddling did was guide us to our deaths.”
Javik slammed a fist onto the kitchen island. James moved to intervene. “Hey, Prothy, chill. Bluebell’s upset. How’d you feel when you woke up and found out you were the only one left?”
“I did not despair and allow hopelessness to corrupt my mind,” Javik said. He glared at Liara. “I carried on my mission as it was given to me. I am the avatar of Prothean vengeance. I will see the Reapers defeated and lay trillions of dead souls to rest at last.”
“You’re seeing nothing because the dumb bitch with your signals in her head gave up my homeworld. Asari were supposed to lead this cycle, right? That was what you wanted?”
“Yo, Liara!” James cried. “That ain’t fair. Leng got away because he dropped the fucking temple on our heads.”
Javik narrowed his eyes like he was scrutinizing the Asari, inspecting her for any defect, any flaw. “It appears we were wrong about which species would come to lead. Perhaps we should have spent more time nurturing Humans’ potential.”
Liara pulled a hand back like she was about to throw something. She gritted her white teeth that stood out against her purple lips as tears quivered on the edge of her bottom eyelid. James leaned back from the line of fire, but he didn’t need to. A pale hand with freshly cut nails closed around Liara’s wrist and the biotic assault died before she could launch it. Shepard stood calmly behind the Asari with a look of disappointment on her face.
“What the hell is going on here, Liara, and why are you attacking the crew?”
Liara withered under Shepard’s gaze. She stammered something and cast a baleful glance at Javik.
Shepard shook her head. “Javik will be dealt with in due time. James, escort him to the cargo hold and do not allow him to leave until I’ve had a chance to talk with him.”
James snapped to a salute and took Javik by the arm. “C’mon, Prothy. It’s better if we just go along with it.”
Observer
“What the hell is going on here, Liara, and why are you attacking the crew?”
Liara didn’t pull against Shepard’s hand on her wrist. She turned to look at the Commander and all the fight drained from her. Shepard was disappointed. Why was she disappointed? Liara was trying to do something! Well, of course she’d be disappointed. The only person on the ship with whom Shepard found no wrong was her goddess-damned alien boyfriend. That was who Liara should be mad at, along with Javik. It was their fault. “I… He started it, I…”
Shepard shook her head. “Javik will be dealt with in due time.” She looked away from Liara to Lieutenant Vega. “James, escort him to the cargo hold and do not allow him to leave until I’ve had a chance to talk with him.”
Vega complied with the order. Shepard and Liara stood alone on the crew deck. Shepard dropped Liara’s hand and stood with her arms crossed, hip out to one side. Shepard wore black sweatpants and one of Garrus’s shirts, both of which obscured her figure. The neck of the shirt had been zipped as high as it could go, but Liara could still see a few dark splotches on Shepard’s neck. Of course she’d had sex right after Liara’s homeworld burned to the fucking ground. Could the Commander think of anything else aside from Turian dick?
“Liara,” Shepard said. “I’m waiting for my answer. What’s going on with you?”
“I… he… It’s…”
Shepard sighed. “Tensions are high. You’ve just gone through something—two somethings— completely terrible. This isn’t like you. Tell me what’s wrong.” Shepard drew Liara to one of the stools pushed against the kitchen island. Liara sat and the Commander began the process of brewing Liara a cup of tea.
“I’m just so… angry.” Liara folded her arms and hid her face, slumping forward on the island. She sobbed in between shaking sentences. “Everything I knew… My whole world… None of it is… I don’t even know how to say it.”
“Lashing out at people feels good in the moment, but it tends to make us feel worse long term.” Shepard’s back stayed to Liara as she watched for the little tea kettle to boil. A simple white mug sat on the counter by Shepard’s right hand. “We’re all worried about you.”
“I find that difficult to believe,” Liara scoffed. “You didn’t seem to worry how it would affect me when you hid in the engine room on the shuttle and left me alone with Javik.”
“I didn’t leave you alone, Liara. You had Ash, Tali, Garrus, and James in there with you. I… I needed a minute to pull my ass back together so I could successfully be Commander Shepard.” The Commander’s shoulders crept towards her ears. “I don’t want you to think that I’m okay with how things went back there. I want you to know I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix what happened. Even if I have to make the biggest sacrifice of my… unlife? Second life?” Shepard held up her right hand and peered at her fingers, slowly moving them as if to test their ability to curl and flex.
“Commander, I—”
Shepard’s fist hit the counter, making the mug clink. “God dammit Liara, aren’t we friends?”
“...I could never be just friends with you, Commander.”
Goddess… I… I hadn’t meant to say that!
Shepard had no response. She stood perfectly still, as if Liara’s words had turned her to stone. The silence dragged on, broken only by the bubbling of water and the beeping of the kettle. Shepard wordlessly poured water into the mug, dropped in a tea bag, and turned to place it in front of Liara. The hot, peppery smell of Earl Grey tea filled the air. Shepard’s expression was flat, unreadable. Liara had no idea what she could possibly be thinking.
“Liara, I think we need to finish this conversation in your cabin.” Shepard typed something into her omni-tool and closed it. “I don’t believe this is the kind of thing you want the rest of the crew to hear.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Liara looked down at the steaming mug of tea, still too hot to drink. “I understand how that came out, Shepard, but that wasn’t what I meant. I admire you as a leader and can sympathize with your… unique position in the war. I… I understand, more than the others, that you’re above us no matter what you say to engender loyalty among the shore team.”
Shepard relaxed. She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly. “Thank fuck. I’m sorry, Liara. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you…”
You were right.
“It’s fine, Commander. I understand that you had something of an issue with multiple suitors previously. Don’t worry. I’m not intending to complicate things.” Goddess, did lying like this have to feel so effortless?
“Okay.” Shepard clapped her hands. “Back on topic. What’s with you? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but in the last few hours you’ve thrown Garrus at a wall twice and nearly threw Javik. I reinforced the bulkheads, yeah, but you could still fuck this ship up if you’re not careful. It’s not like Humanity has access to diamond armor.”
“I’m just emotional,” Liara said. “Seeing my homeworld destroyed, knowing that the Protheans were my species’s gods, that they… meddled with us.” Liara shook her head. “I feel strange. Almost like I’m not real, like I’m something not wholly organic.”
“You feel artificial.” Shepard crossed her arms and leaned on the counter. “I can sympathize. I can’t get it out of my head that I’m some copy of the real Commander Shepard walking around with false memories. Yeah, I bleed. The docs always tell me I’ve got real organs. My skin and bones were reinforced somewhat, and my musculature in some places. I’ve still got the Prothean shit rattling around up here.” She rapped her temple with her knuckles. “And I don’t think synths get PTSD the same way a Human does. EDI’s never mentioned dissociative episodes, nightmares, any of that, and she’s had a real go of it.”
Liara tilted her head to the side.
“So… You remember the moon base VI, the one that went apeshit and started killing people? The one Anderson and Hackett needed us to deal with?”
“You’re not telling me that was EDI?” Liara glanced around at the ship.
Shepard nodded. “Yup. That was her. Or… part of her, anyway. The rest of her is bits and pieces of Sovereign.”
“What was Cerberus thinking?” Liara blurted out.
Shepard shrugged. “I gave up on asking that question. They’re very much a ‘can’ instead of ‘should’ type of organization. But we got a pretty sweet AI out of the deal, and she’s got great taste in music.”
Liara recalled that Shepard’s taste in music left something to be desired among segments of the crew. “She… enjoys your angry screaming?”
“It’s not just angry screaming,” Shepard huffed. “And… she likes listening to me sing. I don’t do it too often for other people, but when I’m by myself or in the shower sometimes I’ll sing a little.” Shepard shook her head. “Wait. We’re off topic. Seriously, Liara. I get it. You feel fake. You wonder what else about your life is a total lie. You’ve had enough of people lying to you. But I can’t let this slide so easily as the captain of the ship. I want to as your friend, but I’m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here.”
“As the captain, you have unilateral authority aboard the ship. As a Council Spectre, you’re outside Alliance jurisdiction and not beholden to their rules. As the Shadow Broker, I’m also not beholden to the rules of any governing body. We can handle this any way we’d like.”
“Y’see, there’s still rules I have to follow. I have to stick to my own principles, Liara. And I can’t let someone on the crew throw their weight around to intimidate everyone else, especially when they assault my XO twice.” Shepard smiled sadly. “Garrus is a bonehead, sure, but he’s not that much of a bonehead.”
“He made the mistake of standing between an Asari and her objective,” Liara said. “He might be that much of one.”
“He tried to stop you from going at it with Javik inside a Kodiak shuttle,” Shepard said flatly. “And the second time, I don’t even want to know nor do I care to know.” She briefly hung her head then looked up at Liara through one green eye as her bangs fell to cover the other one. “I can’t leave this as just an apology and call it a day. But I also can’t confine you to the ship because we need a biotic on the squad when we reach Horizon. So here is what is going to happen. You and Javik are going to remain separated. You and Garrus are going to remain separated. You and Ash are going to remain separated. When we reach Horizon, I am splitting the team into two squads. Garrus will take Ash, EDI, and Javik. You, me, Tali, and James will be on the other squad. During the shuttle ride to the surface, nobody says a goddamn word to each other. During the mission, only mission critical communication will be relayed over the comms with a clear delineation of who is allowed to speak for each squad. On the shuttle ride back, nobody says a goddamn word to each other. We will maintain squad cohesion. We will maintain our fucking professionalism. I cannot have any rogue elements. Do I make myself clear, Liara?”
Liara quietly sipped her tea. “Yes, Commander. Exceptionally clear.”
Shepard smiled wider. “Good. Once we get this whole Prothean VI nonsense taken care of, we can all take a fucking breather and really figure out what the hell is going on.”