Archive of Our Own ^beta

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…..What is this?...

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..I-we-we're…

…This is supposed to be over…..

It… It ended. Endless, ended.

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So why are we still going?

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Total Drama Homespun

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Camera flashes scream at him as security barely contains the horde of shrieking journalists. The protestors behind them making their voices heard.

He stares straight ahead. His lawyer responding for him.

…

The board room is how he remembers it, truth be told outside a little technological upgrading this sort of space hadn't changed in the last hundred years. The crowd of suits waiting for him look like they've never laughed a day in their lives.

"Mr. O'Gleeson, please sit."

Conner O'Gleeson fills the joyless air with a chuckle. Decades of television production had taught him well that confidence was how you dealt with these sorts of people.

"Gang, I'd love to stay but I'd like to make this quick, you're pulling me away from the afterparty of my first season of Total Drama."

"We aren't here to discuss Endless, that's finished." The Head Producer says sternly. "Now… thanks to you, we have to live with the consequences."

"I thought we talked about that as well?"

The Producer's expression tightens.

"We did. This isn't about that. It's about next season."

"Yeah? What about it?"

"The pitch you gave us… I'm afraid in light of recent events we're going to have to make a few changes."

…

A spotlight shines down on the walls of an old summer camp's main lodge. The photos of the casts of previous Total Drama seasons line the wall. Somewhere from the darkness, an unfamiliar voice begins speaking.

"Total Drama. At this point what's new to say about it? Way, way back in '07 the hottest reality show on television dropped its first season, it's been a long time, but we're still on top."

The light lingers on a new photo. One of a far more colourful cast than the unceasing parade of teen stereotypes before it.

"A couple months ago good old TD actually had its fiftieth season. To celebrate, we cracked open Pandora's Box and brought the full expanse of the multiverse to our audience."

At the end of the room sits a man, the source of this nostalgic speech. He sits there, his back to the wall.

"That season was Total Drama Endless, and Endless was a big departure for old TD. Lot of kind of risky moves let's be honest here. So much so it barely felt like the same show anymore. Which is lame because everyone knows Total Drama was already perfect."

The man chuckles before continuing.

"…So, the studio was brought in to make a few corrections, starting with fixing the most massive problem Endless dared to make…not having enough ME!"

The figure swivels around in their chair. The man's a mid-thirty-something. With wavy black hair, a five O'clock shadow and a teal cargo shirt over a white long-sleeve top.

Chris Mclean the long-time host of Total Drama flashes a million-dollar grin, his dark eyes filled with excitement.

"I'm baaaacck!" He proclaims. "You miss me campers? Who am I kidding of course you did! Let's be real Endless was a decent experiment but Total Drama just isn't Total Drama without yours truly."

He gestures to himself and rises to his feet.

"I've come out of retirement to set this show back on track. And with me at the helm again and now the whole multiverse at my disposal there's an unending supply of poor helpless victims to torture and humiliate on national TV." He laughs joyously. "That's right! No more lame statue hunts, this season's all about the pain, and I know just the place to go for some wicked challenges."

"Alright wait a minute!" Another man runs up to Chris, sounding annoyed.. He's tall, European descent and looks to be somewhere in his late thirties to early forties, there are a few token lines creased into his diamond-shaped face. His hair is a sandy orange colour and reaches down to his chin, which is scruffy with a goatee.

"Let's get something straight before this season kicks off…" Conner O'Gleeson, former host of Total Drama Endless and self-proclaimed God of Late Night Television says.

"…You didn't find diddly squat; this was my pitch. You're just the network addition that got slotted in last minute."

"Yeah, wonder why they did that?" Chris says in a strained tone. He turns to his audience.

"You probably remember Conner from last season. Unfortunately, he'll be sticking around this time as our cameraman."

"Co-host!"

"Whatever. Oh and also Conner's gross henchman Jerry is back."

"His name is Jeremy!"

From the back of the room, what looks to be a large pile of veiny bubble gum with beady eyes and a wide-mouth gurgles.

"Don't take it personally sugarbear. Rise above the hate!" Conner calls back to him.

Chris strolls over to a third man. A middle-aged burly African Canadian.

"Also returning this season, my own personal Jeremy, Chef Hatchet!"

"Don't compare me to the slime monster." Chef grumbles through gritted teeth.

"I hear he's a chef too aren't you Jeremy?"

Jeremy gurgles proudly. Chef gives him a dark look, then starts muttering to himself under his breath.

Chris turns back to the audience.

"Now you're probably wondering what the gimmick is this time around. After travelling around the multiverse last season, I thought it'd be nice if this time around we here at Total Drama return to our roots and settle in somewhere like we used to back at Wawanakwa."

He gestures to the lodge surrounding them.

"…Only we're not doing it at a camp. Chef? If you'd do the honours?"

Chef Hatchet grunts a pulls down on a rope.

The Lodge set collapses revealing their true surroundings. The four of them stand amongst sprawling gardens, behind them a little orange house with stucco walls and red shingles on its roof. Curiously all of this is perched, not on Earth, but a tiny asteroid that would seem claustrophobic to all but the Little Prince.

"This is the house of an interesting guy named Rodney. Yes, you're seeing it right, we are in space, don't ask how we're breathing, I'm told it's not worth worrying about."

The front door clicks open.

"Here's the man of the hour himself!" Chris announces.

From the house comes a dapper red squirrel in half-moon spectacles and a tweed jacket. He smiles serenely at his guests.

"Ah I see our show's ready to begin is it?"

"Just about Rod," Conner says.

"Yes, you're seeing that right," Chris insists, "Rodney is in fact a Squirrel, and if you think that's weird get ready, there's a whole lot more where that came from. Red Rod over here's got a house full of mysteries and me, the gang, and twenty-three new contestants are about to spend a season rooming with them."

"This!" Conner declares. "Is Total! Drama! Homespun!"

"Dude!" Chris snaps. "That was my line!"

"I was the one that came up with the name!" Conner protests.

The two men begin arguing. Jeremy gives a gurgling lament. Chef meanwhile sidelines the camera.

"Stayed tuned folks. This season's gonna be another messy one."

…

Chapter Text

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In a solitary estate on an asteroid out in space, four men sit in a parlour, or five if you count Jeremy (Which you should) all sitting around a coffee table sipping tea.

"…Regardless of circumstance it's always good to see you Rod," Conner O'Gleeson says to the Master of the estate. The Squirrel smiles warmly.

"Likewise."

"Rodney's a good friend of mine," Conner explains to the audience. "He and some of his crazy neighbours seem odd I realize, but they're pretty sentimental to me."

"Who are- wait are we back!?" Chris says surprised. "Uh, Welcome back to Homespun everyone. Still getting used to Conner's camera work. As you can see during the break, we decided to be professional and bury the hatchet." He clears his throat and side eyes Conner. "Provided certain people know their place."

"Chris has twenty-three fresh faces from all corners of the Multiverse competing this season," Conner says. "…and he refuses to tell me anything about them. Chris, when should we be expecting these guys?"

"Probably after the interns get here," Chris says smiling. Conner laughs.

"McLean, trust me. I don't think we'll need interns for this one. Once you see more of this place you'll understand."

"Oh, I understand."

The doorbell rings.

Chris smirks. "But she insisted on helping this season…"

"She? She who?"

Conner opens the door and flinches in shock.

At once he recognizes the young blond woman standing at the doorstep, beaming ecstatically with her arms full of luggage. Indeed, few people in his world wouldn't know her from a passing glance.

"Conner!"

She drops the luggage and bonds forward. The skirts of her bright pink ballgown trailing behind her as she wraps her arms around him, laughing merrily.

"Oh, it's so wonderfully good to see you again!"

Conner stammers unintelligibly for a moment. The language centre of his brain seems to have forgotten what its purpose was.

"Peach!" He blurts out after a moment. "I- You- Princess what are you doing here?"

"Mr. Mclean asked if I'd be so kind as to help with your new season." She says excitedly "You were all so kind to us last time I just couldn't refuse."

"Couldn't you?" Conner asks. He seems almost offended on her behalf.

Princess Peach giggles and shakes her head. "Last season was the best adventure I had ever had the pleasure of going on. Oh, it's wonderful to know me and my friends will have the chance to give a new cast the same experience with a cast."

"What friends have you brought my dear?" Rodney asks, walking over and shaking the Princess's gloved hand. "Are any of Conner's other old contestants making a reappearance?"

Peach laughs her high, happy laugh again and shakes her head.

"No sadly. I have some people coming with me this time from the Mushroom Kingdom. I missed my poor little subjects so terribly during Endless, and couldn't bear leaving my toads again. So just had to bring some of them along."

There's a slight rumbling, then all at once, everyone besides Peach is nearly swept away by a deluge of little creatures with mushroom shaped heads and squat little bodies. Dozens upon dozens come sprinting into the house, yiping and cheering in excitement in sandpaper like little voices. Some of them polite enough to give their hosts a horse "Hello" as they pass. When the horde's at last dispated Conner gets to his feet shakily.

"Peach? How many Toads did you bring?"

"All of them!" Peach cries jubilantly. "All nine hundred and ninety-nine of my dear little toads! I couldn't bear to leave anyone so I brought the whole Kingdom along!"

She claps her hands excitedly. Chris as well looks very happy to have received what (surely in his eyes) amounts to a private army.

"Tell me that's everyone?" Conner says dusting himself off.

There's another cry and he's flung to the floor again. Something very orange and very poufy has him pinned to the ground.

"HA! I got you good!"

Conner looks up to see a young princess with brown hair, tan skin and an orange gown grinning down at him.

"Gee you're a squirmy fella aren't you?"

"Daisy!" Peach cries easing the girl off Conner. "Really now? Is that any way for a princess to greet someone?"

"I already met him a bunch at the party last season!" The girl insists. "We're practically family by now."

Chris chuckles. "Peach, dude. Loving your friend's energy. Very Izzy."

The girl turns and beams at him.

"Hi I'm Daisy!" Princess Daisy shouts.

"Welcome aboard," Chris says offering his hand. Daisy takes it, shaking it almost violently.

A gust of stellar wind blows through the open door, drawing their attention. A third young woman appears, she bears a passing resemblance to Peach, her figure striking, statuesque platinum blonde, with a sweeping bang over one eye. She's dressed in a cyan gown and floating gracefully a few inches off the ground. She stares down at Chris and Rodney with her one exposed eye.

"May the Stars shine down upon you…"

"And this is Rosalina," Peach says.

"Hey there," Chris says.

Rosalina smiles serenely down at him

"It is a pleasure to make your acquittance."

"She and Daisy insisted on coming as well," Peach explains.

"We're here for our girl," Daisy says, throwing her arms around Peach affectionally.

"It is our deep and profound wish that hers and everyone else's quest will transpire much more peacefully this cycle," Rosalina says.

"I make no promises." Conner jokes. Rosalina turns sharply and all the warmth goes out of her expression in an instant. Conner swallows uncomfortably, fidgeting under her gaze.

"Far as I'm concerned the more people I get to boss around the better," Chris says contently. "Any more hot friends of yours coming?"

"Just us!" Daisy says.

"Awesome. In that case, we're about ready for Total Drama's newest batch of unlucky contestants."

Peach squeaks in delight.

"Oh, I can't wait to meet them! Will they be here soon?"

"Any second now!" Chris says checking his watch. "We gave each of them one of Conner's mobile transport thingys to get here, first one should be arriving right about now."

"Good," Conner says, returning to normal. "Let's see who you managed to scrounge up for this season,"

There's a flash of light and a new figure appears in the garden plaza in front of the house. Out of all the wild and fantastical contestants I multiverse gameshow can bring, this first one's very tame. He's human, white, male, about thirty-something years old with short reddish-orange hair. His clothing has a similar contemporary unremarkableness to it. Just a simple white T-shirt with a red jacket, and a pair of blue jeans and sneakers.

The man looks around with mild curiosity.

"Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for our first contestant of the season," Chris announces. "all the way from the 31st century! Philip J Fry!"

Fry walks up to the step still seemingly absorbed in thought.

"Mr Fry! Welcome to my dear abode," Rodney says.

"Hi…"

Fry says frowning and pulling a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket. "You're Rodney, right? Just want to check I've got the right asteroid."

"How many other houses do you think are out here?" Daisy demands. Fry rallies himself into something of a more serious look.

"Ma'am I've been a delivery boy for the past thousand years, maybe longer if you count the time travelling. If there's one thing I take seriously, it's the girl of my dreams Leela. But if there's two things I take seriously, it's Leela, and delivering packages. Except in this case, I'm the package, and I owe it to that talking squirrel to deliver myself, no matter the personal cost. It's just like the professor says-wait."

He stops rambling suddenly and squints at Peach. Then gasps.

"Hey, I know you! You're that princess in the Mario games that's always getting kidnapped."

Rosalina, Daisy and Conner's glances shift to Peach. The Princess smiles sweetly.

"Mr Fry I hear you're from the future?"

"Oh, I just live there…" Fry says seemingly forgetting his last question. "I'm from 20th century New York, then I got frozen I woke up in 31st New New York, with spaceships and hover cars and robot best friends." He peers past them into the house. "Oh that reminds me. Is Bender here? He's been bragging about being in this game lately."

"Different season in a different dimension," Conner says.

Fry looks disappointed.

"…But if you'd be so nice as to wait in the parlour, some wonderful new friends will be along for you to meet." Peach offers.

Fry scratches his chin. "I've already got friends though."

"There's free food in there too," Chef grins.

Fry brightens up immediately.

"Alright."

And he strolls past them into the house.

Peach beams.

"He seems nice."

"He wasn't bugging you with his little comments?" Daisy asks putting an arm around her friend. Peach shakes her head.

"No, it's quite alright Daisy dear."

"Okay but if you ever change your mind..." Daisy says, shaking her fist threateningly.

"Quite alright." Peach repeats, easing Daisy's arm down gently.

…

A few minutes pass before another contestant arrives so Conner suggests they go wait inside with Fry. They're just settling into the hallway when theirs a hard knock on the door.

"Open up! This is the Police!"

Chris opens up the door.

A white rabbit with beady little eyes is waiting for them on the doorstep. He's got himself a tiny suitcase, in one hand and a police badge thrust out at them in the other.

"Freelance police!" He clarifies. "I'm investigating a vicious homicide and your prize money's the murder weapon. I'm gonna have to confiscate it right away!"

Chris chuckles. "Nice try Max!"

The rabbit shrugs. "It was worth a shot."

"Welcome to the show. Nice briefcase by the way. What's in there?"

"Just some odd personal ideas I don't go anywhere without. Contestant contract page 285, subsection 15 says we're entitled to some after all."

Chris looks impressed.

"Dude. I don't anyone's made it that far through the contract since Courtney's been a contestant. You must have a serious eye for paperwork."

"Gosh no," Max assures him. "I've got this horrible mental condition where I can't read more than ten pages of legal work without wanting to hurl myself out a window. But I got a partner back home that's real good with stuff like that."

"You must wish he was around."

"Yet even now I can still feel his presence judging me."

Something bangs from the inside of Max's luggage.

"Did your bag just move?" Chris asks. Max shrugs and smiles. Revelling a mouth full of pointed teeth.

"Mind your own damn business."

…

The next contestant rings the doorbell. Chris opens the door. There's a teenage boy standing there. Tall, square-faced and athletic. His brown hair done up in a mullet full of hairspray.

He peers over a pair of dark sunglasses.

"Steve Harrington!" Chris says. "Welcome to the Rodney house!"

"Hey, thanks um... I've got the right place right?"

"Uh… yeah dude? Don't know why everyone keeps asking that?"

"It's just your little note, invitation whatever it was said there'd be a talking squirrel."

"He's just helping my little toads get settled in, he'll be back soon," Peach insists.

"Cool. Excited about that, never seen a talking squirrel before. You guys sort of piqued my interest with that."

"Not used to the weird are you Steve?" Conner asks.

Steve scoffs. "Uh no actually I've got some practice with it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean…" He looks around conspiratorially. "I don't know how much I'm supposed to talk about this since it's all secret government stuff but back in my town, Hawkins, there has been some seriously. Weird. Shit. These past couple years."

"Good because we get up some pretty weird shit ourselves," Conner says.

Steve unzips the backpack he's got on and retrieves a baseball bat spiked with nails.

"I think I can handle it."

He walks past them.

"Already this is easily, the nicest alternate dimension I've seen."

He pauses in thought for a moment.

"Forget I said anything about alternate dimensions."

"You're secret's quite safe with us," Peach assures him.

"Good," Steve says. He looks at her then points. "Hey, Princess Peach right? The kidnapped babe from the end of that new game Dustin was telling me about.?"

"Um... That's right." Peach says a little more hesitantly than last time. Steve smiles.

"That's kick-ass, I appreciate the eye candy."

"What's that mean!?" Daisy demands, an inch from his face, Steve retreats back.

"Uh nothing! Nothing… just gonna go ahead and get settled in now!"

"That's right keep moving bub!"

He scampers off into the parlour. Daisy catches the others looking at her.

"What?"

…

The next contestant doesn't knock or ring the doorbell. The front door simply swings open and she's standing there. It's a British schoolgirl, blonde, bespectacled and clad in her school uniform with a black beret, red shirt, black and yellow striped tie, green skirt, and black stockings.

"Hello! Name's Penny Crayon! How are you!?" She cries in a thick Yorkshire accent.

"Penny. Nice of you to barge in." Chris says.

"No trouble." She says. "Didn't much see a point in knocking when I had my own key."

She proudly holds up an old-fashioned door key. There's something off about it, some kind of strange waxy texture.

Chris folds his arms confidently. "Let me guess? Magic Crayon?"

"Never leave the house without it love!" Penny says, tapping a drawing crayon wedged behind her ear. "Wouldn't have signed up if you hadn't let me take it. Course now since I've brought it 'figure I've got the best shot of winning, don't I?"

She laughs loudly and walks into the sitting room.

…

There's a polite knock on the door. Contestant number five is a dark-haired man in his mid-twenties, dressed unassumingly in a black coat, light sweater and a plain pair of brown pants.

"Wallace Wells," Chris says. "Thank you for coming."

"Pleasures all mine," Wallace says, removing his coat and handing it to Chef (who promptly drops it on the floor)

"Not a bad place," He says looking around. "House like this would cost a fortune back in Toronto but here in space, I imagine you got the land cheap. Still seems small for this kind of show. How many people did you grab for this Real World knockoff again? Almost thirty?"

"I assure you my good man, my house may feel crowded now, but it will seem quite roomy once we've gotten started," Rodney promises. "The Princess discovered the same thing for herself last season, didn't you my dear?"

He winks at Peach, who giggles.

Wallace's eyes flash to her.

"Ah, so you're the fabled Peach Toadstool then?"

Peach laughs slightly awkwardly.

"That would be me."

Wallace cups his hands over hers gently.

"Congratulations on your performance last season. Scott told me all about it."

"Oh…" The Princess says completely taken aback. "T-thank you." She pauses for consideration. "I don't to offend you but-"

"Scott's Ramona Flowers's boyfriend. She was one of your fellow competitors back in Endless."

Peach smiles.

"Yes, I remember her now. Are you a friend of hers Mr. Wells?"

"Causal acquaintance at best," Wallace admits. "But of course, we do have one thing in common. Sleeping with Scott Pilgrim."

The staff stare at him blankly.

"I was Scott's roommate for a while. That's the joke." Wallace clarifies. He snaps his finger and gestures to the group. "Not that I'm opposed to sleeping with men. Quite the contrary in fact. Cute multiversal boys are about 70% of the reason I'm here."

"Is that so dude? Because my ever-invasive pre-season-contestant-background-check said you were in a stable relationship." Chris says. Wallace smiles.

"Mobile and I both have come to an agreement that this is too good an opportunity to miss out on. Trade-off is he's allowed any pretty body he wants while I'm gone." He winks.

"Alright enough," Chris says. "Begone you! If this show gets any gayer they won't let us air it in Dubai."

…

There's a harsh knock and the door. Chris opens it to find a punk wanting for him on the other side. His white hair's long and wild at the top, short at the sides. He wears a black hoodie and sweatpants over a white t-shirt. The only splashes of colour on his outfit are a gold medallion over his chest and the yellow rims of the sunglasses perched on his forehead.

"All the way from the Alola region it's Guzma!" Chris says.

The man at the door smirks.

"Aren't you a little old to be gym leader grandpa?"

Chris laughs sarcastically. "Do my ears deceive me or is someone already challenging their host?"

"You may think you're cozy in your position here in this out of the way region. But challenging the leader of Team Skull was your first and last mistake."

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure there's been…" Chris pauses. "Some kind of lapse in communication here."

Guzma laughs smugly.

"You cowering old man? Well, It's too late for that. Big bad Guzma's here!" He holds out a round palm-sized capsule, half red, half white.

"I hear you battle with a Skwovet." He says nodding to Rodney. "Pathetic! Get ready for battle so my Golisopod can teach it a thing or two."

Chris blinks.

"I really don't think we're on the same page here dude."

"This is a Pokemon Tournament isn't it?" Guzma insists. He frowns. "Right?"

Chris laughs at the source of Guzma's confusion finally clicking with the host.

"Is that what you thought we were doing? Oh, no way dude. This here's Total Drama, meaning you're the one that'll be going through a bunch of violent challenges instead of your pet." He leans forward. "You up for that Big Bad Guzma?"

Guzma seems taken aback a moment, then folds his arms and grins confidently.

"You've got strange rules around here old man, but fine. Let's do it!"

…

The doorbell rings. Then it rings again. Then Several more times.

He opens it. There's a teenage girl waiting. Half white, half Japanese with her long straight hair dyed purple with pink highlights.

"Sorry." She says. "I was impatient."

"Miko Kubota!" Chris proclaims. "Dude thanks for coming."

"No thank you for the invite." She says excitedly, bouncing up and down on the top step. "The competition is gonna be hype! Next level gaming what what?"

"You game in your spare time?" Chris asks her. Miko almost looks offended.

"I game all the time." She says seriously. "Video games are life or death to me. Seriously. I'd tell you more but… I'm uh… not supposed to say anything about it." She grins innocently.

"That's what Steve said," Peach says brightly. "Are you a friend of his?"

"Who's Steve?" Miko asks.

"I'm surprised you don't know these lovely ladies," Chris says gesturing to Peach and her friends.

Miko looks deeply confused. "Uh… Should I?"

"Yeah, dude. They're from a video game. Pretty popular one too. Figured a gamer girl like yourself would no that."

Miko stares at Peach. "Did you say they're from a game? As in they came out of a video game?"

"I mean… you know? Not exactly sure about the specifics but-"

"GLITCH!"

Miko grabs something from her bag and shoves it on her wrist. It's an electronic gauntlet of some kind. She points it at Peach threateningly. At once Daisy and Rosalina step between them.

"You got a problem!?" Daisy challenges.

"Bet you glitches thought you were home free didn't you?" Miko laughs. "Didn't expect a top-level Hinobi Glitch Tech to show up huh? Big mistake!" She cocks her gauntlet. "Prepare to be captured."

Chris laughs.

"Alright, Miko that's enough. I'll thank you not to put my interns in peril. That's my job."

The girls give him a look. Miko looks confused.

"But they're-"

"Uh no. They're not. Situations a little weird with the whole multiverse thing but bottom-line things don't work like they do in your world."

"Oooooh," Miko says slowly. She laughs sheepishly. "Then this is kind of embarrassing. Good thing you'll never remember it."

She flashes them all with a blinding light. Chris, Daisy and Peach are left blinking in confusion.

"…What were we talking about?" Chris asks.

"You were just telling me where the lobby was."

"Uh, it's just back through here," Chris says uncertainly.

"Great."

Miko walks off humming. Chris scratches his head.

"That was a short intro."

"She wiped your memory," Conner says.

"Oh," Chris says. "I'll have to watch out for that in the future."

"You know Chris you're surprising me a little here." Conner chuckles. "This has been a pretty good cast so far."

Chris raises an eyebrow.

"Uh… Yeah, I know. I picked them. What did you expect?"

"Something a lot more dangerous and reckless…"

A bolt of lightning inexplicably flashes through the dark void of space. A man in a wide-brimmed hat and red overcoat has materialized. He stands stock still, darkly grinning at them, two sets of sharp fangs on display.

"What a perfect night…"

"…You know, like a vampire," Conner says causally.

"Alucard!" Chris shouts ecstatically. "Totally stoked you make it dude! Thanks for signing up!"

"It's true normally I'm kept terribly busy," Alucard says walking slowly over the door and adjusting the cuffs of his white gloves.

"Fortunately, the filth and vermin of the world have been unusually quiet as of late. So the Hellsing Organization granted me some time off."

Chris nods "No better way to spend a vacation than a season of Total Drama."

"I'm sure it will be most peaceful," Alucard says. Causally drawing a heavy pistol from beneath his coat and staring down at the staff through a pair of opaque golden goggles. "If any loathsome worm is foolish enough to challenge our tournament then god have mercy on their worthless souls."

"Good to know you're looking out for us dude," Chris says.

Alucard walks past them into the sitting room. Conner gives Chris a look.

"So uh... Anime Count Dracula huh? That'll be something. Think you can keep him out of trouble?"

"Better than you could with your cast," Chris says slyly. Conner goes slightly pink behind the ears.

"What's wrong with my cast? My cast was perfect!" He insists. "Twenty-Seven of them and not a dull one in the bunch!"

There's another knock on the door. Chris opens it.

A familiar turquoise-haired mermaid is beaming at them innocently. Her oversized fishbowl perched on the front porch.

"Hiya! How you boys doing?"

"Uh, what's with the mermaid?" Chris asks.

"I'm Perky!" Perky exclaims perkily. "I'm here for the new season of your show. Mama's going all the way this year."

"Not ringing a bell."

"Chris tell me you didn't bring her back as a contestant?" Conner asks annoyed. Chris looks confessed.

"I thought she was with you."

Both men turn to Rodney. The squirrel shrugs.

"She's the henchwoman of an old associate of mine from Endless," Conner says disapprovingly. "…One I've made clear to that we're not working with this season. So it's anyone's guess what his little stooge is doing here?"

Perky's smile widens. Chris gives her a suspicious look.

"So let me get this straight. Just because you were on Conner's subpar season, you think you can just show up for mine uninvited and without auditioning?"

"I barely got to play last time!" Perky pouts. "My bowl broke first episode and they kicked me off. But it's okay! I got a new bowl, made of plastic this time! And look! I got a little castle now, and some new sand and-"

"Did Yerdey put you up to this?" Conner asks flatly.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Yerdey you mean the squid guy? Pfft get out of here." Perky insists. "We like never even hang out anymore, it's crazy."

One of the hedges in Rodney's garden rustles prompting Chris and Conner's gaze.

"Ignore the Squid in the bush." Come a muffled voice from foliage.

Perky giggles nervously. Chris gives her an annoyed look.

"Look Honey, I'll be real with you. This is my show, I'm the one that decides who plays, not you. However, I do like your guts in showing up here."

Perky brightens up.

"Really."

"No."

Chris slams the door on here.

"Yeah. Real great cast you had last season O'Gleeson."

Conner groans and rubs his hands down his face.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come back."

…

Soon after Rodney suggests Conner take a break from greeting to go help Chef Hatchet with the toads. The three ladies go with him.

The next contestant to show up is a pretty light-haired almost Japanese-looking young Brit in a detective's cloak and hat.

"Herlock Scholmes. At your command!" He says enthusiastically. Shaking both their hands.

"Don't you mean Sherlock Holmes sir?" Rodney asks. The detective scoffs.

"My dear professor! If I wasn't your humble guest I'd take terrible umbrage with that remark. However, I shall put it behind me for the shake of our blossoming professional relationship. For I promise to be the utmost professional on this case!"

"We don't have a case, we've got a competition," Chris says.

"Yes, it's a devilish brilliant maneuver you've made gentlemen, brilliantly devilish indeed." Herlock Scholmes says excitedly. "Invite a gathering of colourful characters to your estate they have the greatest detective in Britain on hand when things invariably go afoul! I applaud the foresight gentlemen! Why wait for the crime to occur before starting the detective work?!"

He walks off rambling into the lounge. Rodney turns to Chris.

"Is his name really Herlock Sholmes?"

Chris chuckles. "No idea dude. But ten bucks says he's going to be a lot of fun."

…

The next person to ring the door is a middle-aged man. Fat, bespectacled and dressed in a white button-down shirt and green pants.

"Hey, how's it going?" He asks in a nasally Rhode Island accent. "The name's Peter Griffin, from Quahog. I got your uh invite here."

"Hey…second person I didn't invite," Chris says uncertainly. "The invite was for Meg Griffin."

"Yeah, I know don't worry, I caught that it was printed with the wrong name. I forgive you. Now let's get this party started shall we?"

"I know what it said." Chris clarifies "It was meant for your daughter."

"Alright then. Sheesh, you don't have to spell it out. I'm too old for your show." Peter says annoyed. He whistles. A teenage boy in a blue shirt, blonde hair and a similar weight to Peter waddles over.

"I'd like to introduce you to my son. His name's also Chris. Chris is a uh… well he's…" Peter struggles for a moment. "…Yeah he's um… Chris, did we ever figure out if there's anything interesting about you?"

"Dad I'm not comfortable taking Meg's place." Moans the teenager.

"Don't worry you're not," Chris assured the teen, giving his father a dark look. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the mermaid. This show's back in my hands, so no one gets to say who competes but I do, and I say I'm not accepting anyone but your daughter. Capisce?"

Peter sighs.

"I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this."

He covers his eyes and holds out his arm. In the open palm of his chubby hand is a polaroid of an average-looking teenage girl with chin-length brown hair and round glasses.

"You see this? That's my daughter. Look at her she's hideous. People don't want to see that. They want to see nice-looking people. Here look."

He pulls out a photo of a red-haired woman.

"This is my wife Lois. She's got a face made for TV. Put her on instead."

Chris raises an eyebrow. "I'm barely seeing a difference dude."

Peter Griffin recoils in disgust.

"Yeah alright… Alright buster! That tears it! you just earned yourself a Meg!"

He scammers off the stage then suddenly Chris and Rodney are forced to duck. The teenage girl from the photo suddenly soared towards them. She flies over them and lands in a heap in the hallway.

"Goodness!" Rodney says. "Is that any way to treat your children?"

"Yeah go ahead and enjoy that dumpster fire asshats! She's your problem now. Bye Meg sweetie! Have a good time at summer camp. Run Chris!"

"But dad-"

"Quick! Before she follows us!"

The two New Englanders scamper away.

The girl gets to her feet quietly.

"I must say my dear I'm very glad to see you out of that household and into my own," Rodney says with a note of concern.

"Thanks for having me! I'm super, super thrilled to be here." Meg says dissonantly happy and eyeing Chris hopefully. "People get rich and famous on this show don't they?"

"Sometimes," Chris says. "You my little Meg are going to fit in well. Anyone who can take that much torture has a promising shot at the money. Also, I like the look, very Beth from the original cast. Always nice to have girls like that."

"Was Beth one of the pretty ones?"

"Yeah… Sure. Why don't you go wait in the sitting room with the other contestants?" Chris suggests.

…

Conner and Chef return in time to greet another father and their daughter, though they couldn't have been further removed from the Griffins if they had tried.

"Mr. McLean and Mr. Squirrel," Announces an old man in worn 18th century attire. "Some pleasure I suppose to make your acquittance."

He gestures to the girl next to him. A modestly pretty brunette in her late teens. Dressed as nicely as a middle-class family in the Regency Era could hope to afford.

"I present as requested, my second eldest, my Dear Elizabeth, to stay with you on visit, as per your invitation."

"Mr. and Miss Bennet," Chris says bowing low. Besides him, Rodney's socially conscious enough to follow suit. "My name is Chris Mclean and I'll be your Master of Ceremonies, to my right is Doctor Rodney Squirrel, he is the lord of this estate. I'm honoured you've accepted the invitation we extended to your daughter."

"Yes, likewise…" Says the Mr. Bennet, regarding his surroundings with mild interest. "Do take care of my Elizabeth while you have you, won't you? I have in my possession four other daughters but I'm rather fond of this one. She has more of a quickness to her than my other girls don't you Elizabeth?"

His daughter gave a thin, almost mischievous grin.

"With due regard Father, you have no reason to disservice my sisters. Not even Lydia." Scorns the Younger Bennet playfully.

"I assure you Mr. Bennet that…" Chris pauses. "Hang on." He pulls out a tiny yellow guidebook by the title Regency Formalities for Dummies from his pocket and flips through it.

"Alright. As I was saying, I assure you that your daughter will be kept in civilized company, be treated with the respectable etiquette befitting an eligible woman of her background, and will be returned safely to her father's household once the ceremonies have concluded. Perhaps even with a great deal of fortune and prestige for her household's patriarch, depending on how well she conducts herself."

That last bit seemed to catch Mr. Bennet's ear. "In such case, she will conduct herself in a manner far exceeding her usual pedigree won't you Elizabeth?"

"Yes, I suppose I must have to." His daughter says with a slight air of humour.

Mr. Bennet takes his leave. Chris ushers his daughter into the house and drops the proper gentlemen act and turns to Elizabeth.

"So FYI everyone here's a freak in some capacity," Chris tells her bluntly. "So you're gonna have to get really used to people really messing with your stuffy 1800s sensibilities really quick or you won't last long."

"Best get used to roughing it with people you don't normally rub elbows with." Chef warns her, "…And you might want to wear something a little more practical."

The little smile on Elizabeth's face has disappeared and she looks from one man to the next, suddenly seeming very out of place in her formal evening gown and her hair done up.

"I see…" She says looking both apprehensive but also to some extent intrigued. "Already you make your unorthodox constitutions apparent. Are… all your guests besides myself your sort of company?"

"Yeah, think you can handle that, Dear Elizabeth?" Chris asks.

The ghost of Elizabeth's smile returns.

"You may be surprised." She promises them, before retiring to the parlour.

"The lead of Pride and Prejudice," Conner says smiling to himself. "You know, not someone I'd thought you pick McLean."

"Blame Chef, it's one of his favourites." Chris teases. Chef nods solemnly.

"That Jane Austen had a way with words."
…

There's a harsh knock, followed by several more.

Chris opens the door. There's a beat cop standing there clad in his blue uniform. He's of African descent, presumably American judging by the accent, and bald with pronounced black eyebrows and a chevron moustache. Over all the man bares a passive resemblance to a young Samuel L Jackson.

"About time." The cop says (His voice even closer to the actor than his appearance) "Thought I was gonna have to bust down that door."

He chuckles.

"Just a little police humour for ya'll."

"Officer Frank Tenpenny." Chris says. "Nice of you to come."

"Oh, I assure you I'm delighted to be here," Tenpenny says. He walks past them into the house before being formally invited. He looks around, whistling sharply.

"Fine place you got here. This yours or your little squirrel friends?"

"Mine," Rodney says. "I humbly welcome you to my home."

"Like I said De-lighted to be here," Tenpenny says.

"So, Officer. We don't get a lot of cops playing Total Drama. Think you've got what it takes?" Chris asks.

"Depends. Your flyer said this was a social game?"

"Most sociable game around."

Tenpenny smirks.

"Shit. I'm the most sociable guy in Los Santos! Sounds like I'll get along just fine."

…

The next knock after Tenpenny comes very softly.

"Was that someone at the door?" Rodney asks.

Chris shrugs.

He opens the door.

There's no one there.

"Hello?" Chris calls out.

"Hello."

"Who said that?"

"Look down," Conner instructs.

Chris looks down and yelps.

There's a living ragdoll peering up at him from the welcome mat, staring at him with glass eyes. She only goes up to his knees, her hair's made of red yarn and her dress is blue with red polka dots.

"Oh, I didn't frighten you did I?" The doll asks askes bashfully.

"Raggedy Ann!" Chris gasps. "You're looking… well."

She blushes. "Thank you. I had all my loose seams stitched up for the big show."

"Great! Great. Rodney, why don't you show her to the sitting room?"

Rodney chuckles.

"Is that really all the introduction we're going to give miss-"

"Now Rodney!"

"…Very well."

He takes Raggedy Ann's hand and shows her inside. The little doll hops along at an uneven waddle. Her little legs filled with cotton.

Conner laughs. "What a little cutie she was?"

Chris shivers.

"What?" Conner asks.

"I'm just not a fan of talking dolls."

"Didn't you invite her?"

"Yeah but… she didn't look so freaky in her picture." He shutters. "I think it's the eyes."

"Day one and you're already scared of your own cast."

"Am not!"

He turns around to close the door.

Another girl's staring him in the face.

"GAH!"

"Hello!" Chirps the new contestant.

Chris falls backwards. The new girl stares down, inspecting him. She's an odd sight, dressed like a mechanic with steel-toed boots and thick gloves. Her lilac hair cascades down in two ankle-length pigtails that curiously enough seem prehensile. One of them forms a hand and retrieves a tape recorder from one of her many pockets.

"Rodney House: Log 1: Day 1: Hour 1: Just arrived in the Space Kingdom, using teleporter provided by sender. Estate is deeply impressive; I must learn the secrets of the technology that makes it function. Only one local so far, the doorman. Seems skittish, don't know why. No sign of any local princesses."

"They're on their way," Chris says angrily, dusting himself off.

"How Lovely. Say, do you happen to work for Rodney Squirrel? I want to meet the creator of this place."

Chris snorts indignantly. "Also on his way. Seems like the second he disappears people start asking about him."

"Hence my hasty return," Rodney says emerging from the sitting room. "Ah, I see we have a new guest."

The girl shoves Chris out of the way in a rush to shake Rodney's hand. "Name's Entrapta!"

"Rodney. Charmed to meet another inventor."

"So it's true then?" Entrapta asks. "This house is powered by technology, not magic?"

"It's complicated dear. But I assure you come with me and you'll shortly see what it's truly capable of."

Entrapta giggles ecstatically like a teenage girl watching a boy band on stage, she and Rodney walk off into the sitting room.

Chris watches them go and then glares at Conner who's chuckling softly.

"Don't you want to go away again or something?"

"This whole multiverse thing's harder than it looks isn't it?" Conner chortles.

"Everything's fine dude."

The doorbell rings.

"Allow me." Conner insists.

He opens the door. There's a teenage boy in a blue and white school uniform. He has a prominent scar over his right eye.

"Took you gentlemen long enough."

"Gary Smith!" Chris says. "Welcome to the show."

"We're so glad you could make it. How the hell are you, ya beautiful angel?! How was your trip?" Conner adds, mimicking Chris's tone. Chris gives him a warning look.

"Very quick. Almost too much so." Gary says. "That coupled with the talking rat I see before me…" He gestures at Rodney who's just returned. "Leads me to believe that instead of the money you promised to give me. You've jacked me up on drugs. Which, as I told the last group of stuck-up assholes that tried to feed me meds, is a very poor play."

"Seeing really is believing around here Gary," Chris assures him. "I understand this is kind of a 'High concept' season. But If you think this is bad, you're in for a rough time when you see your fellow contestants."

"What are they? A bunch of mutant freaks? Or perhaps the usual attention-desperate social rejects you normally see on these garbage TV shows."

"Little of both."

The boy sneers.

"God what a crockpot. I'm almost gonna feel bad dominating whatever worthlessly cast you stuck me with."

"SCRAWK!"

Something very tall and very muscularly has materialized behind Gary. The boy turns around.

Standing behind him on a doorstep is a slightly terrifying amalgamation of human and avian. Over two metres tall, the creature has the head of a vulture and a vaguely human body, taught with muscle and entirely bald save for a patch of short brown feathers around his collar and shoulders. Its limbs are elongated and end in sharp claws, its waist is wrapped in a blue skirt. Its two giant wings folded behind its back.

"I Vultureman have arrived!" Thunders the beast.

"Vultureman!" Chris cries excitedly. "Dude! I am so stoked so have you, dude!"

"That is natural!" Vultureman squawks.

"Tell me," Chris says. "The bio I got back on you was sort of confusing. It said you were either a member of a gang of mutants from the planet Plun-Darr or the Prefect of the floating city of Avista."

"Correct!"

"No, I mean which one are you dude?"

"CORRECT!" Shrieks Vultureman.

"I'm sensing another Guzma style disconnect here," Chris says. "Gary you want to add anything here?"

He gives a humoured glance over to the schoolboy. One can almost see the teen's sense of reality shattering irreparably. He stands frozen in place for a moment, the synapsis in his brain having shut down in the face of this critical error, now frantically searching for any scraps of recognizable logic lying about. Finding none, Gary Smith reanimates and seems to default to his normal programming.

"My, my I am impressed." He relents. "You three must have paid a fortune for a spring turkey this big. Or maybe not considering it looks like it's gone bad."

Vultureman's head gives a very avian spasm and he jerks it down towards Gary. Staring down a long sharp beak at the boy."

"Awk! What did you say boy?"

"Careful now. Let's not fight here, it'll offend our host."

Vultureman tenses up. Chris looks nervous.

"You know on second thought, maybe I should offer to help Peach with the toads," Conner says.

…

Further down Rodney's impossibly long front hallway, Princess Peach steps out of a doorway and lets out a sigh of satisfaction. All many hundreds of her beloved toads were settling in nicely now.

She allows herself a moment's pause to take in her surroundings. She had last walked these halls near the start of last season. Not that long ago truthfully, but it felt now like a lifetime ago.

The sound of footsteps alerts her to Conner, walking down the hallway towards her and chuckling to himself.

"Oh, Conner Hello again."

"Princess…"

The humour in his eyes seems to disappear when he sees her.

"…Um how are the toads?"

"They're settling in very nicely." She smiles. "I didn't get to say so earlier but I'm I must say I'm so excited to be working with you this season Conner. It will be such a threat to be part of your production.

Conner smiles somewhat hesitantly. "Peachy I'm flattered but… just… checking, you know you're not under contract, right? I mean no one's forcing you to be here. You can change your mind at any point and no one we'll hold it against you. Any point you want to go home we'll make do without you."

"That's very kind of you Conner, but I'm very happy to be here." Peach insists.

"Of your own choice?"

"Not unless there's someone else in my head making decisions for me," Peach laughs.

Conner looks at her very strangely. Then abruptly he walks forward and nudges her chin up, taps the side of her head, circles around her, then withdraws again and stares at her, apparently unsatisfied with whatever search he's just conducted on her.

"I see…" He says cryptically. "Well um… I'm happy to have you Peach. It'll be nice to have a friendly face around. I'm sure you've heard but Chris McLean's seasons can get rather intense."

"SCRAW!"

Vultureman's cry comes echoing in the distance. Peach looks at Conner quizzically.

"What was that?"

"New arrivals," Conner says causally. "I think one's taken the other hostage or something."

…

The Two emerge from the front door.

"Oh my, to find the situations escalated considerably. Vultureman now thrashing wildly around Rodney's immaculate front garden. Chef Hatchet has made another appearance. His burly form weighed on the beast's back. Reaching vainly for Gary Smith, trapped firmly within Vultureman's talons.

"My stars! What's happened."

"Don't worry Chris assures me he's got it all under control." Conner smirks.

No sooner as she's taken all this in Peach is ready to help resolve this conflict herself something happens that makes her pause. A voice, quiet, feminine and regal rings out somewhere to her left.

"What are they doing to that Rito?"

The Princess turns and finds herself quite taken aback. A girl is staring at her inquisitively. She's young, late teens perhaps, her hair cut chin length is near to the same golden blonde colour as Peach's. She wears a travelling outfit, a green cloak and a blue tunic woven carefully with intricate gold details, the most prominent of which being a triangular symbol over her heart. Clearly, it's of some importance as it repeats several times on her outfit.

"Are these the sort of games your chief promised? If so, I don't have any interest in them."

"Oh no!" Peach says, coming out of her momentary unreadiness. "This must be a misunderstanding."

"Are you involved in this?" The girl demands.

"No!... Well not quite. I just-"

The girl looks at her inquisitively. Then a sense of recognition dawns in her sea-green eyes and she seems to reassess Peach.

"You're a princess." She breaths. It's not a question. Indeed something about the way the girl carries herself also suggests royalty.

Before either of them gets another word in they're distracted by Conner's laughter.

"So… He got you did he?" He asks the teen. "Probably thought he was being clever? Oh, I'll get him for this."

"I don't understand," Peach says.

"Out of the way ladies!" Chris shouts, pushing past them, seemingly oblivious to the fact he has a new contestant.

He rushes up to Vultureman.

"Vultureman! Dude! You see what I got?!"

He throws down a bag of birdseed.

"See that!? And there's a lot more for you dude if you let the future criminal go!"

Vultureman cackles.

"Am I supposed to take your pitiful bargain seriously?"

"THAT WAS THE BIG PLAN YOU WERE ALL PROUD ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO!?" Chef thunders as Vultureman tries to shake him loose.

"Shut up! It sounded way better in my head." Chris pouts.

"Now what do you propose?" Rodney asks.

"Don't know dude? You got like a garden hose?"

"WHAT'S A HOSE SUPPOSED TO DO AGAINST THE MONSTER!?" Gary bellows

"Well, I suppose I've tried far stranger things," Rodney says with a shrug.

He walks over to his hose and turns in on full. A jet of water douses the great bird.

"Awk! If you think the great and powerful VULTUREMAN will bend to such a pathetic attack you've got another thing coming!"

"Can't you make that thing shoot fire or something?" Chris demands.

"Well, I could but it'd ruin my Hyacinths."

Vultureman cackles then go silent, they all do.

Something's happened to the water, it flows out of Rodney's garden hose upwards where it collects into a dancing band above Vultureman's head. The beast watches it, craning his head curiously at the puzzling sight. Then without warning the band dives for him, forming a ring and coiling around his legs, binding them together. The beast caws in alarm as the water freezes suddenly, causing him to tumble over and release his hostage.

As Vultureman's hulking figure is knocked over, the others can see another teenage girl walking towards them and stretching. Hair and skin dark, her dress and eyes deep blue.

"Katara!" Chris shouts happily. "Perfect timing!"

"Thanks. Sorry, I missed most of the action." The girl says brightly.

"Don't sweat it. Thanks for the save there. I'm sure Chef appreciated it."

Chef gives them both a sour look then dusts himself off and shuffles away, muttering darkly about wondering why he came back.

Katara looks humble.

"Always happy to help." She gives Vultureman another look. "But if you have a problem with spirits like that guy then I think it's gonna be a busy couple of weeks."

"That's not a spirit." The other new girl says walking over with Peach. "That poor individual seems to be a Rito. They're avian descendants of the Zora."

Katara looks confused. "I thought it was spirit?"

"No, this one seems quite alive."

"Actually ladies, you're both wrong," Chris says happily. "Vultureman's a mutant from Third Earth, kind of potentially, maybe. Ask him about it later. Also don't worry, this won't happen again. Not unless Gary decided to be an idiot again."

"He attacked me!" Gary snaps defensively.

"You deserved it, dude!" Chris calls. "Also!" He turns to Peach's new companion. "Princess Zelda! Nice to see you! When'd you get here?"

"Not long ago." The girl says.

"Great well. You know I'd love to chat but this episode's starting to run long and we've still got a couple more houseguests coming. So why don't the four of you newbies follow Rodney."

"Sure thing," Katara says freeing Vultureman. Both he and Gary grumble.

Zelda nods to Peach.

"I must be going."

"Well, it was very nice to meet you," Peach says.

"Yes. I… Oh, I'm afraid we've yet to be properly introduced."

Peach laughs. "So we haven't."

She curtseys.

"I am Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom."

The girl bows.

"Zelda, Once and future Princess of Hyrule."

…

With Chef and Conner's aid, the contestants get settled in, Soon it's just Peach and Chris standing in the front hall. The princess sees him smirking at her from the corner of her eye.

"Is everything alright?" She asks tentatively.

"All good," Chris says.

There's a moment of silence, then he speaks up again.

"So … You and Zelda seem to get along. Don't you?"

"Yes. She seems like a lovely young Princess." Peach agrees, not quite certain what point he was trying to make. Chris nods, seemingly satisfied.

"Good… good."

The doorbell rings. Chris opens the door.

There's a boy on the doorstep clutching his backpack. His dark hair short and tidy. He pushes a pair of red-rimmed glasses up to the bridge of his nose and looks at the two grown-ups in wonder. He can't be any older than ten.

"Oh, man." He breathed.

"Jack Smith!" Chris said. "No relation to Gary Smith by the way audience. Good to see you little dude. Safe travels?"

"What? Oh yes. I guess so." Jack said distractedly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Jack says quickly. "Thank you for having me, It was very kind of you to have me."

The boy fidgets.

Peach smiles gently. "Jack you can tell us if you're upset about something."

Jack sighs.

"I guess It just feels strange to go on an adventure without my sister, Annie."

"You do a lot together?" Peach asks sympathetically.

"We go everywhere," Jack says. "Elizabethan England, The time of Dinosaurs, the Arctic, Egypt, Pirate times…"

"Nice to know you've got some serious expert under your belt kid," Chris says. "Just don't count on being prepared for this game. Whatever you've seen or been through…" He laughs. This will be totally worse."

Jack takes a deep breath.

"Oh, man." He whispers again.

…

Someone bangs on the front door loudly.

Chris opens it. A young woman is standing there. Waist-length black hair, black lipstick and piercing green eyes. She wears a green and black jumpsuit.

"Shego!" Chris says.

"The money." The newcomer says bluntly. "Hand it over."

"And that's now two contestants that have tried that."

She grabs Chris by the collar and raises a fist. Ominous green energy glows from her closed hand.

"Now." She growls.

Peach clears her throat.

"Excuse me, but that's not a very nice thing to do your host."

Shego gets a quick eyeful of Peach.

"Ugh! What's with all the pink? Shouldn't you be off making goo-goo eyes at Prince Charming or something?"

"If you have a problem with Mr Mclean I'm sure you can resolve it peacefully."

"Take a hike princess! I'm about to make the fastest million in this show's history."

Peach sighs.

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this."

She claps her hands. There's a faint rumbling before all at once a hundred toads materialize and tackle Shego. The villainess lets out a startled cry before they swarm her and pin her to the ground.

Peach shakes her head in disapproval. "And they had just settled in for their nap."

Chris dusts himself off and strolls over to Shego, smirking down at her.

"Well, that was exciting. Congratulations Shego for being the second contestant to attack someone before they made it in the door. That's kind of impressive. Anyway, let me clear up some stuff up 'cause it seems you're a little confused here. You signed my contract, meaning you're one of the latest victims of by gameshow, meaning if you want the money you're gonna have to win it fair and square. Otherwise, I can get this little army here to hogtie you and leave in the cargo bay of Conner's ship. Where I'm sure he'll be kind enough to take your loser butt by to Loserville. What do you think?"

Shego scowls. "I think I hate you."

Chris beams. "Great! That was what forty seconds? Think you broke a record."

Shego groans as the Toads carry her away.

"Man, I am loving having those Toads around." Chris muses to Peach. "You got a good thing going, princess."

"Thank you."

"Those little guys are tougher than they look. I'm surprised Bowser's ever able to give you such a hard time."

Peach winces.

"I don't think we need to discuss that."
…

A new contestant rings the doorbell. As soon as the door's open she steps into the house, hands cupped and neck craned.

"Wow. Just look at this place."

She's a scientist, or a least, her lab coat suggests she is. She seems to be in her mid-thirties, with bushy black hair bound back in a scrunchie and white octogen-rimmed glasses.

"I mean really, first of all, interior décor is on point, secondly the asteroid base with a breathable atmosphere, the spatial anomalies, the stabilization of extradimensional particles, the…"

She throws up her hands and sets them back down again, evidentially there's too much to say.

"I mean you promised a lot in that flyer, But I must say, you don't disappoint Mr Squirrel."

"Uh… I'm not Rodney I'm Chris Mclean." Chris says.

The newcomer laughs silently.

"Of course, I should have recognized you by the toupee."

"It's not a toupee." Chris retorts a little insecurely.

The new contestant looks around keenly. "Where is Rodney? I'd like to meet him?"

"Uh yeah he's around but-"

"Right. Where are my manners."

She extends her arm.

"Doctor Olivia Octavius. Theoretical Physicist. I've written multiple papers on countless interpretations of the multiverse hypothesis but…"

She looks around again.

"None of it compares to field work." She breathes.

"You're probably pretty excited to be here then." Chris laughs. Olivia looks at him intensely.

"Very excited."

…

Someone politely raps the door with their knuckles. Chris opens it and at once his face lights up. He's had a showman like excitement for everyone today but now Chris looks positively giddy.

The new arrival's a friendly enough-looking man in a large brown suit jacket and yellow dress shirt. His black hair combed neatly.

"I'm here for the competition." He says. His tone is amicable but formal.

"Almost last but totally not least, our special guest this season Bruce Wayne!" Chris practically shouts, seizing the man's hand and shaking it as violently as Daisy had shaken his earlier.

"Thank you. That's very kind." Bruce says with mild stiffness. He goes to shake Peach's hand as well, partly to be polite and partly to escape Chris.

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you as well. Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Bruce Wayne…" He pauses then adds. "…Of Gotham City."

The princess gasps.

"I've been to Gotham!"

"Have you?" Bruce asks surprised.

"Yes, we were there last season for a challenge. Did you hear about it?"

"I... um… can't say I did," Bruce says slightly confused. "Must have skipped the paper that morning."

"Bruce Wayne!"

The three of them look up. Conner's striding towards them, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"You old dog you! We meet again!"

"Have we met?" Bruce asks sounding genuinely perplexed. Though even as he's asking the question his eyes have come alive with alarm.

Conner chuckles.

"Trying to keep up public appearances I see. That's alright I be insulted if you didn't." He puts an arm around Peach. "You remember Her Royal Peachiness, don't you? Great contestant of mine back in Endless."

"Conner, what are you talking about?" Peach asks curiously.

"Dude quit messing with Ba- Bruce Wayne." Chris snaps.

"Chris I bet you're pretty how would you say it? Stoked to have this guy aren't you?"

"I may or may not have been fantasying about going on adventures with this guy since I was like four," Chris states matter-of-factly. "Which is why I'd thank you not to scare him off my flippin' show!" He turns back to Bruce. "Sorry about Conner. He's something of a menace to society."

"It's fine I hear we have plenty of those back in Gotham," Bruce says. He picks up his suitcase. "If it's all the same to you I think go get settled in now."

He walks off to the sitting room rather briskly.

Conner shakes his head.

"You really went out and bagged yourself a bat."

"The greatest superhero of all time as a contestant under the greatest host of all time," Chris says proudly. "And I'm serious dude! You scare off my Batman I swear I'll get you banned from this show for life."

The doorbell rings once more.

Chris opens the door.

The final contestant is an adult woman, dressed in a tank top, grey pants, and heavy boots. Her long purple hair is tied back in a ponytail. However, The most pressing aspect of her appearance though seemed to be the top half of her face, most of which is taken up by a single massive eye.

"Hello. I'm here for the competition."

Chris squealed in alarm. The woman sighs.

"It's the eye isn't it?"

"Of course not!" Chris says quickly. "It's just so much more…noticeable in person."

"I get that a lot." She says flatly.

"Anyway. Uh Turanga Leela! Welcome to the show."

"Thanks. It's nice to be here. I'm looking forward to getting away from my co-workers for a while." She says politely, tossing the bag she brought to Conner.

"Corporate wage slaves back home getting you down?" He asks.

"No there'd sweet people, just… let's be nice and call them emotionally taxing. A girl's got to get away from it all once and a while."

The thud of heavy footsteps approaching rings out before the door to the sitting room is thrown open. Fry's just emerged, eyes bulging.

"Leela!?"

The newcomer sighs again.

"Oh lord."

"Leela!" Fry exclaims jubilantly, rushing forward and bonding over to hug her. She pushes him away.

"Fry, enough. I told you I'm not ready for public displays of affection."

"What are you doing here!?"

"I signed up months ago." She gives him a look of disproval. "What about you? You didn't join this thing just because I was going to be here did you?"

Fry shakes his head.

"No! I thought Bender was gonna be here. Also, a magical talking squirrel! But it doesn't matter! Now you're here! Which means we'll win for sure!"

He spins in place and turns to Chris, Conner and Peach, positively overflowing with boyish glee.

"Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Leela's here! Remember that special Leela I was talking about it!? This is her! Leela's my Leela!"

Leela looks embarrassed. "We're sort of dating."

"You two seem very happy together," Peach says smiling.

"I need to tell everyone you're here! They'll never believe it!" Fry says excitedly. He takes Leela by the arm and leads her away.

Peach signs happily.

"There is nothing more special in the world than two people that love each other."

"Totally dude. I'm gonna enjoy prying them apart." Chris says. Peach looks concerned.

"What?"

"Would you look at that?" Chris says, looking at his watch. "Every contestant accounted for, even if it made us go seriously over time. Now let's move people. Time to start this thing for real.

…

Twenty-one of the twenty-three contestants have gathered in the sitting room, waiting for their host. No one has much to say to one another yet. Entrapta and Olivia are both buzzing around the room, absorbing all they see keenly. Penny, Max, and Miko are bouncing in their seats impatiently. Gary and Shego are still sulking, Guzma still looks confused, Katara gives everyone who meets her eyes a friendly wave, and everyone's doing their best to avoid Vultureman. His beastly figure looks comically oversized in the soft Victorian armchair he's sitting in.

The door flies open and in comes Fry and Leela.

"Everyone! Look who it is! It's Leela! she's here!"

"Welcome to the group," Katara says.

"Thank you," Leela says politely. "Sorry about Fry, he's just very earnest about things." She leans in and whispers. "You have to understand he's from the 20th century."

"He's from the future?" Elizabeth asks, somewhere between being deeply startled and deeply intrigued.

"Aren't we…all from the 20th century?" Steve asks confused.

"No, I'm from the 21st," Wallace says causally, swirling a cosmopolitan in his hand.

"Well, I'm from the 31st." Leela clarified.

"Awk it appears I Vultureman have arrived in a place beyond time!" Vultureman squawks.

Rodney arrives, the seven other principal members of the staff shadowing him.

"Contestants!" Rodney calls. "Welcome. All of you to my humble abode. It is an honour to bear host to so many wonderful people. I can only hope I won't disappoint you."

"Never!" Entrapta gushes.

"Try me." Snaps Shego.

Rodney chuckles.

"Let's be off then."

The thirty-one of them shuffle back out into the hallway.

"Get a last look at the outside world Houseguests," Chris says gesturing to the open front door. "For all but one of you, next time you step outside these walls will be your elimination ceremony."

"This still feels like a small gym to be hosting a tournament in," Guzma says disapprovingly.

"Is this one of those shows where a bunch of nasty jerks live in a huge mansion and get all bored and backstabby?" Miko asks.

"Lord. You mean the ones where they make the woman act all slutty?" Leela grumbles.

"I'll act slutty if it'll get people to like me." Meg offers.

Shego groans.

"I miss Drakan already."

Up front Princess Peach looks down to Rodney.

"Mr. Squirrel do they not know the secret behind your house?"

"Haven't been told a thing, my dear." Rodney smiles.

Daisy laughs. "Boy, I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

Suddenly Entrapta appears behind them, throwing her arms around Peach and Daisy's shoulders.

"Ah, fellow Princesses! At last, we meet! I've made some startling discoveries about this fortress! According to my observations, this hallway should have already reached the back of the dwelling several feet before now."

"Thirty-seven feet actually." Olivia clarifies, looking at Rodney with energized captivation in her eyes. "Mr. Squirrel your house is bigger on the inside."

"Oh, it's more than that." Rodney laughs. "Is this far enough for adequate suspense Christopher?"

"You're the master of this place dude," Chris says. "Your call."

"Very well then. Everyone make sure you've got your balance steady."

"Why?" Fry asks.

A second later his feet fly out from under him. Several other contestants stagger.

The floor beneath their feet itself has lurched forward and is now moving independently from the walls. Their tacky wallpaper whizzes by as the segment of floor they're on slowly moves past them.

"The hell…" Tenpenny murmurs.

"Wow." Penny whistles.

"Golly." Raggedy Ann says.

"My dear guest as some of you already suspect my house is no ordinary house. It is also the cumulation of a lifetime of study. The conclusion to an obsession if you will." Rodney says. "Since I was a young kit there's been a great fire of passion within me for all things unknowable, uncountable, infinite.

I spend years immersed in academia, in attempting to fulfill my insatiable thirst for knowledge on the subject. None of it proved enough. I wanted more. I wanted to see before me what had previously existed solely in mathematical axioms or the powers of the divine. I wanted my esteemed guests, to make the unquantifiable quantifiable, a finite piece of infinity."

He looks back at the cast.

"They called me mad…"

"I think this squirrel's a little nuts," Bruce says.

"I fear for his mental faculties," Zelda says with a note of concern.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm real psyched he decided to reveal that after he had us trapped," Steve says.

The walls whizzing by them begin to pick up speed until their nothing but a blur.

"Is everyone ready?" Rodney asks

"Not really," Katara admits.

Rodney chortles. "You have nothing to fear. No harm will come to you now. This is my domain!"

"He's definitely going to kill us," Miko says with a worried look.

"…And just when I was starting to like the guy," Max says.

Rodney takes his walking stick in one hand a opens a hidden slot on it, revealing a touch display and keypad.

"Esteemed houseguests, may I present to you….my home!"

There is a deafening noise as the ceiling and walls are torn away and disappear up into a golden sky. Gone is any semblance of a house, they're flying segment of carpet now soars amongst the clouds, high above an idyllic pastoral landscape stretching on in all directions below them.

The effect is apparent immediately on the new cast. Even the most stoic of them seem deeply impressed. There's a chorus of ohs and ahs and other exclamations of all kinds, from the most childlike to ones far more vulgar.

"Dude this is all your house!?" Miko asks a gasp. Rodney chuckles.

"As Conner once said I enjoy my space."

"Seems like kind of a crummy house," Shego says, looking the least impressed of the bunch.

"Do you not like it?" Rodney asks surprised.

"It's supposed to be a house, right?" Shego asks. "Where do you sleep? Up a tree?"

"Not since my early days dear. What you're seeing is but the slimmest fraction of my creation. For example, say you'd like something more civilized…"

A doorway appears suspended in mid-air. They fly through it and all at once the scene's changed. Now they're high above a dense nighttime cityscape of glittering skyscrapers and neon lights.

"Wow! Urban sprawl! My favourite." Shego quips dryly.

"Then perhaps you'd care for something a tad bit more traditional."

Another doorway and now it's mid-day. They're soaring over a high fantasy medieval town on the seaside.

"Oh no indoor plumbing? Where do I sign?" Snips Shego.

"Don't listen to her, this is incredible," Katara says gently. Shego gives her a dirty look.

"Thank you, my dear," Rodney says.

They pass through another doorway. They're above fluffy white cumulus clouds. Several ringed planets hang in the sky over them.

"My house can create every and any environment known to man. Indoor or outdoor regardless of size. From a broom closet to a gas giant. All of them under my control." Rodney explains.

The carpet beneath their feet shifts, pulling apart into thirty-one segments then stretching and expanding until they are translucent. The group's now floating along in giant soap bubbles.

"God damn chipmunk," Tenpenny says. "You're like some kind of little furry god in this place."

"Me? A god." Rodney asks laughing. "No, my dear friend. No. I leave such things to those who are truthy divine."

He nods respectfully to Conner, then curiously, to Rosalina, before returning his gaze to Tenpenny. A mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Though I must admit I've occasionally dabbled in abiogenesis."

There's a great noise below them before a great flock of birds emerges from one of the clouds. Dozens of species past them, Albatrosses, hummingbirds, eagles and archeopteryxes.

"My house through its simulations can create any form of life large or small. Just so long as it isn't intelligent. I'm rather unfond of the moral implications of such an experiment so I've made it the one thing my house will not give rise to. In any role where an intelligent being would normally be I find populating the space with nonsentient automatons more than suffices."

"Back up!" Miko says. "You said 'simulates'" She looks at him funny. "Are we in Virtual Reality?"

Conner laughs. "God no. What kind of season would use a tacky gimmick like that?"

"It must be magic then." Jack breaths.

"Magic doesn't exist, little boy, this is advanced technology," Olivia says confidently.

"I say it's probably both," Entrapta says.

"I say we must be in the world's biggest Poke Ball," Guzma says.

"The girl with the pigtails is closest to the truth," Rodney says nodding to Entrapta. "It's a fair bit more complicated than that but that's not important at the moment."

"Instead, why don't we talk about what is important? The game." Chris says.

All at once their bubbles pop and they're sent tumbling down into the clouds. There's a fair bit of panic from the contestants before they land neatly in a pit of foam cubes.

"Anyone else's life flash before their eyes just now?" Steve asks.

"Several times actually," Herlock says causally. "It was most illuminating."

They're now in a large concrete room. Chris and the staff already out of the pit and standing before them.

"Now. This season's pretty high concept." Chris admits. "So in case you got lost along the way, here's how Total Drama works.

Now that I'm back you guys are in store for the single greatest reality show in causality bar none. The rules are simple. You live here in the Rodney House for the next couple months. Get a real good look at everyone around you. These people are both your greatest asset and your greatest threat. Every day we'll do some kind of dangerous, dignity destroying and occasionally disgusting challenge. Normally our challenges would be limited to what Chef and the interns could build out of plywood in a day. However, with Rodney's big beautiful invention on hand, I have a literally infinite amount of resources for things I can throw at you people. And you better believe I'm gonna put them to good use."

He cackles sinisterly.

"If you do good, you'll be able to sleep soundly knowing you made in one more day in the game. You do bad, you're up for elimination. Because after every challenge we all get together and decide who are least favorite person is. If you're fellow contestant decide it's you then I got real bad news for you dude. You will be kicked out of this house, and this game.

Well, continue like that until we have our winner, who will be receiving this!"

The concrete wall behind him opens up to reveal a clear cannister, encrusted with light bulbs. They flash brightly as the blaring sound of a casino jackpot plays, and gold coins and wads of cash by the thousands come raining from a chute above them and quickly fill the space

"That is your prize money right there. Five million dollars, or whatever the equivalent is in your currency. All safely in its bulletproof container so no one gets any ideas Shego."

"You're no fun."

"That's debatable," Chris argues. "Now. Any questions on the competition?"

"On your invitation, you said this was a charity gala," Bruce says disapprovingly.

"I might have lied because I really wanted you on the show," Chris admits. "I'll make you a deal to make up for it Wayne. Since I know you don't need the money, you're free to donate the money to charity if you win. And Total Drama will match you with another five-million-dollar donation."

Bruce looks conflicted. "That'd be a lot of money for a good cause." He considers it. "I'll participate for now, but no more tricks."

"Deal!"

"If I win and donate the money, can I have another five million too?" Max asks. "You know, so I can immediately in turn donate it to charity as well."

"Depends dude. What charity?"

"The cause for Lagomorphs desperately desiring a ten-mil investment"

"Nice try, but no."

"That's a shame. I have really used that extra dough."

Chris claps his hands "You guys will spend the first half on the competition in teams, two specifically. There's just one catch, For brownie points anyone tell me what it is?"

"There are twenty-three participants." Olivia acknowledges. "That would mean-"

"The teams will be unbalanced!" Entrapta interrupts.

Chris nods in approval. "Correctemundo. Or should I say Uncorrectemundo? While twenty-three people would be impossible to split evenly, we don't have to worry about that. What you houseguests don't know is that one of you's about to become a loser right now."

"Who might that be?" Alucard asks. Chris smirks.

"Let's find out, shall we? Who's ready for your first challenge?"

Fry, Miko and Penny cheer again, the others seem to have lost a little enthusiasm.

A doorway opens beneath the glowing pot of money. Chris nods and they file through it, some of them gazing up hungrily as they pass into the vast fortune.

Beyond the doorway, they've entered into a vast cathedral-like room, long and rectangular with vaulted ceilings. About three metres from the door the flooring changes from unpainted concrete to hardwood. Ten pieces of standard household furniture are lined up from the start of the hardwood to a door on the opposite side.

"So what kind of super special challenge are we getting to start off with in this crazy witch house?" Tenpenny asks.

"Yeah tell us!" Miko demands. "What are we doing? Where are we doing it!? How awesome is it gonna be? I am ready for it!"

"Well Miko since this season's gonna be one totally extreme house party I figure let's start off with some a classic game to play when you're trapped indoors. The Floor is Lava."

The floorboards crack and splinter before falling away. The furniture is left floating in the air above a vast chasm filled with a viscous orange-glowing liquid.

The contestants stare down into the pit in horror. Chris smiles.

"Who wants to go first?"

Chapter Text

Total Drama Homespun: Cast List

1. Wallace Wells (Scott Pilgrim) Suggested by: MemeKing the Third

2. Penny Crayon (Penny Crayon) Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)

3. Miko (Glitch Techs) Suggested by: SteelRobot

4. Bruce Wayne (Batman: The Animated Series) Suggested by: Filipe

5. Meg Griffin (Family Guy) Suggested by: Guest

6. Raggedy Ann (Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure) Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)

7. Jack Smith (Magic Tree House) Suggested by: That Guy

8. Frank Tenpenny (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) Suggested by: PrincessGumballWatterson777

9. Sam & Max (Sam & Max) Suggested by: G-Man

10. Herlock Sholmes (The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures) Suggested by: NeverSafeFromWaluigi

11. Philip J Fry (Futurama) Suggested by: MemeKing the Third

12. Turanga Leela (Futurama) Suggested by: G-Man

13. Guzma (Pokémon Sun and Moon) Suggested by: SurvivorNerd

14. Vultureman (Thundercats 1985 and 2011) Suggested by: 1602jaw

15: Shego (Kim Possible) Suggested by: Guest

16: Entrapta (She Ra and the Princesses of Power) Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy

17: Katara (Avatar: the Last Airbender) Suggested by: That Guy

18: Princess Zelda (Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild) Suggested by: Guest

19: Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate) Suggested by: TheMasterKat

20: Gary Smith (Bully) Suggested by: Happiness Studios

21: Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice) Suggested by: Mrs Filipe

22: Doctor Olivia Octavius (Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse) Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy

23: Steve Harrington (Stranger Things) Suggested by: Doctor Chaotic

Chapter Text

In the endless expanse of the infinite cosmos, there exists a place far removed from the withering doldrums of modern life.

Here there is a kingdom untouched by sadness. Where the blues of the skies and greens of the fields are brighter than should be possible and even the round peaks of the mountains have smiling faces.

In this happy land, a fairy tale castle stands, white walled and red roofed. It stands tall, looking out an utterly peaceful scene… for the moment.

A shadow looms over the castle and the quaint town below. A warship has appeared in the sky, wood hulled and suspended in the air by massive propellers atop its masts. On the airship’s deck a tiny vaguely draconic turtle spies his target through a spy glass. He gives a youthful cackle.

“Aha! Thirteenth times the charm! Let’s go Koopas!”

The turtle guards by his side salute.

He hops in a smaller propelled vehicle and leaps from his airship. Barging through the front gate of the castle below.

“Ha ha HA! Surrender Princess Peach! My papa has a new marriage proposal for you! And this time he’s not taking no for an answer!”

He laughs then trails off. There’s no response to his presence. No terrified princess, no panicking guards. He blinks in surprise.

“Peach?”

Nothing. Not a single sign of life in the hallway.

“Huh…”

There’s the faintest noise from one of the side rooms. The turtle’s lips curl victoriously. In his flying machine he rushes through and kicks down the door.

“FOUND YOU!”

“YA!”

The person on the other side of room yelps and leaps into the air in fear. It’s not the princess, it’s a young mustached man in green cap and blue overalls. Behind him a similar looking man in a red cap is snoring in an armchair. An open magazine draped over his sleeping face. The turtle recoils.

“Not you pesky plumbers!”

“Bowser Jr!” The green one cries. “Wha-What are you doing here?”

“What do you think!? Kidnapping the princess! Where is she? Or her guards?” He looks around. “Or anyone in the Mushroom Kingdom besides you Mario Brothers.”

Luigi, the green caped Mario Brother chuckles fretfully.

“The ah P-pa-princess. S-she’s a gone away.”

“WHAT!?” Roars the tyke. “Again!?! She can’t keep doing this to Papa! Where’s her toads? Or her friends!? I’ll take them hostage while she’s gone.”

“They’re all gone.”

Bowser Jr gapes at him.

“THE WHOLE KINGDOM LEFT THIS TIME!?”

Luigi whimpers.

“Yeah.”

Bowser Jr groans miserably.

“Papa’s not gonna be happy about this.”

…

“This way now ladies and gentleman.”

In a place so terribly far from her kingdom, Princess Peach strolls contented into a vast study, her friends and an entourage of toads besides her.

“Oh Rodney it’s lovely”

Rodney J Squirrel, master of the study and the expansive house beyond it chuckles.

“Thank you, Princess. I spend a great deal of time here, therefore I had some reason in making it cozy.”

Rodney study is ovular with high ceilings decorated ornately with an emphasis on wood paneling. The opposite wall from them is dominated by a towering screen currently switched off. A wood laminated master console beneath it. Mounted treasure and flags and book shelves and all sorts of things line the other wall. Inlayed at eye level there’s a display of busts of all sorts of figures, philosophers mathematicians, theorists and adventures, what have you. Some human, some decidedly less sort. One of the latter catches Chef Hatchet’s eye.

“’Shadow the Hedgehog, King of NickEarth.’” He reads confessed.

“Oh, we meet him last season.” Peach says. “His world’s not far from here. Maybe he’ll visit again.”

“Perhaps he may.” Rodney agrees. “Now! To business!”

He presses a button and the screens come to life.

…

In their vast cathedral like room the contestants are still peering over the edge of the chasm apprehensively. Chris stands behind them smiling.

“Like I said. Anyone want to go first?” He asks them.

The cast turns back to him. A myriad of different emotions across them, mostly negative.

“You’re insane if you expect us to cross that.” Guzma says. He folds his arms and scowlsat the host. Chris shrugs innocently.

“You’re the one that signed up for the show dude.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything as dangerous as this.”

“Then you should have read the brochure better.” Chris laughs. “Now. This challenge will be coming at you in three parts. The Goal of round one will be to get across the furniture with the fastest time. Winner gets an advantage in the last round.”

Katara raises her hand. “…And if we fall?”

“Then your disqualified.” Chris smiles.

“…And dead.”  Max adds cheerfully. Chris makes an indecisive noise.

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean by maybe?” Bruce asks, frowning at the host.

“Just focus on not falling.” Chris tells him unhelpfully.

With that their saunters back over to the door they came in. It opens like an elevator and he steps in and ascends away.

“That doesn’t make sense.” Fry says.

“None of this makes sense.” Guzma says.

“Not that. The door,” Fry clarifies. “How long was it an elevator?”

“Look, sometimes rooms just suddenly turn out to be elevators,” Steve says. “Don’t focus on it we got bigger problems.”

“It seems that challenge as he calls it could be are only path of escape.” Zelda says, ruefully glancing towards the place the door they came in had been.

“We don’t actually have to do this do we?” Miko asks.

“We could refuse.” Bruce says. “If none of us participate than he doesn’t have much of a show.”

“I’m open to a Spartacus style gladiator revolt.” Wallace says causally.

“If its all the same I’d rather be a millionaire.” Tenpenny says.

“Go ahead and try it then.” Shego encourages him boredly.

Tenpenny gives her a smile dripping with mock chivalry.

“Ladies first.”

Shego’s eye’s narrow.

“Fine.”

And with a running start she lunges towards the ledge and leaps, landing on the sofa floating a metre or so off of it, then vaulting through the air toward the coffee table behind that, then the armchair behind that. Then to a TV Stand, another sofa, an ottoman, a love seat, a large shelf, another chair. Leaping from one to the next as effortlessly and acrobatically as an Olympic gymnast. She lands on her feet on the other side then turns back, smirking pridefully, and cups her hands to her mouth.

“Beat that!”

Her fellow cast members stare impressed.

“What a woman.” Steve says breathlessly.

Tenpenny whistles. “No kidding.”

“Hate to interrupt Casanovas.” Leela says. “But that still leaves only one person not at risk of dying today.”

“Two.” Fry corrects. “That guy in the red suit’s a vampire so he’s already dead…. Also, he’s over there now.”

The others look. Alucard is indeed now standing over with Shego on the other side of the pit.

“Dude! How’d you TP over there so fast!?” Miko calls to him.

Fry shrugs. “I dunno. Vampire powers?”

“Why didn’t you say we could use our powers!?” Penny demands.

She quickly grabs the pencil resting behind her ear and sketches out a Pegasus. Just as soon as she’s finished it, it comes to life, she hops onto it and takes off into the air.

“This challenge has just turned into a cup of tea then it has. Shame about the rest of you lot. Guess you’ll just have to think of something won’t you?”

She laughs and flies off. Guzma sneers after her.

“Two can play at that game!”

He raises his little red and white capsule and shouts.

“Vikavolt! Let’s go!”

The capsule glows red and a large insectoid creature materialized before him. It rasps a call vaguely like it’s own name.

Guzma grabs hold of its legs.

“Vikavolt! Fly!”

The creature rasps again and takes off. Lifting Guzma over the pit. He touches down on the other side just as Penny lands her stead. A moment later Vultureman takes off and flies over as well.

“I think it’s starting to get a sense of what kind of people I’m competing with.” Steve says. “Anyone else feel that way, or I’m I the only one having a mild panic attack?”

“Hey I hear you.” Miko says. “It’s awesome though.”

“Yeah yup. Kind of yeah.” Steve agrees. “So… anybody else got any amazing powers they want to show off?”

“Nope!” Miko says suspiciously quick.

“I don’t think my waterbending will help with this.” Katara says.

Olivia leans toward the pit. Seemingly considering something, then shakes her head.

“No…”

Tenpenny raises an eyebrow. “No what?”

“Just analysing.” Olivia says opaquely.

“A very wise idea in a time like this.” Zelda agrees.

“Precisely my feelings on the matter.” Herlock says. “I’ve been carefully considering our circumstances from the moment we arrived.”

Tenpenny gives him a look.

“Alright Sherlock-“

“Herlock!”

“Whatever. What’s your plan?”

 Herlock messages his chin thoughtfully and closes his eyes.

“That host of ours. Didn’t seem very precise in his warnings, did he?”

“Good point. Why’d he said we’d maybe die if we hit the lava. That should be a really solid example of a violent death.” Steve says.

“Quite right you are.” Herlock agrees.

“Maybe he’s just got a sick sense of humour.” Max argues. “I know plenty of guys like that. Myself included.”

“That my lagomorph friend is undoubtable. However, I disagree that it was the cause of his behavior. No, my fair comrades. More sinister motives are a foot! The host is being dishonest on purpose about the true nature of our circumstance. For if we fall, we land not in the cold embrace of death but in a fate worse than death! Yes indeed! I’ve done it!”

“Well done detective, now I’m even less egger to try this.” Wallace says.

Jack peers over the edge.

“It can’t really be lava down there can it?”

Entrapta appears by his side.

“Can’t it?”

Jack shrugs off his backpack and pulls out a book, flipping through it in search of answers.

“If only we could test it.”

“Great idea.” Gary says.

The older boy causally tears the book from Jack’s hand and tosses it over the side.

“My book!” Jack cries.

The book tumbles downward, pages fluttering before it lands on the glowing liquid with a soft splat. Miko squints.

“Doesn’t look like it’s burning.”

Gary smirks in satisfaction. “The response I think you’re looking for is “Thank you Gary”, for being the only one that isn’t a simpleton paralysed at the first sign of obstruction.”

Tenpenny smacks him hard on the back of the head.

“You keep messing with kids like that you ain’t gonna be here long. Now apologize to the child.”

“Don’t tell me what to do porkchop!”

Tenpenny gives him a very dangerous look.

“Oh… You do not want to play that game Gary.”

He takes a step towards Gary. Fry steps between them.

“Alright that’s enough! From both of you. We’ve just been invited to that nice squirrel’s house and here we are already fighting like frogs.”

“Someone has to go already.” Tenpenny says, his patience clearly wanning.

“If it get everyone to stop fighting I’ll go.” Fry offers.

“Fry that’s noble and everything. But isn’t it a little early in the game to get yourself killed?” Leela asks.

“Leela it’s alright. If I fall down there and die a horrible fiery death, you can just get yourself another robot copy of me.”

“That was kind of a pain.” Leela reflects. “Maybe I’ll see if The Professor could clone you again.”

“Good enough for me.” Fry says. “Alright. Everyone. Stand back.”

The others clear a space around them, a sense of bystander syndrome having overtaken them.

Fry takes a running leap and lands on the first sofa.

“Hey! I’m not dead.”

He stands up and leaps to the coffee table.

“Hey I’m still not dead!”

“That’s great Fry!” Leela calls.

Fry makes it to the third piece of furniture, the fourth.

“Oh snap! He might actually have this.” Miko says impressed.

The others contestants start cheering him on. First Wallace, then Miko and Steve. Soon half the contestants are chanting his name in encouragement.

“Fry! Fry! Fry! Fry!”

Fry’s five pieces in now, the halfway point. He jumps to furniture number six then seven, almost losing his footing.

Bruce looks on with deep unease.

“It feels horribly unethical watching this.”

Besides him Elizabeth Bennet looks up from her book. One of Jack’s that had fallen from his backpack.

“If such blood sport is common place then it would seem the future of mankind is quite more savage than even it bares to admit.” She observes dryly.

“Come on Fry you got this!” Wallace calls.

Fry’s only three jumps from the end now. There’s a dinning room table, a bean bag chair, then one last couch and he’s home free.

 He steals himself, jumps for the table… and comes up short.

The others let out of chorus of panic noises. As the delivery boy is left desperately hanging on to one of the table’s legs.

“He’s going to fall!” Zelda cries.

“I’ve got this.” Miko shouts stepping forward.

But whatever she’s planning she doesn’t get the chance to do it. Something distracts her, and the most of the others for that manner. Standing on the table Fry’s clinging to Chris Mclean has suddenly appeared, or specifically it seems a hologram of him has.

“Fry! Dude! I see you’re making good progress. How you feeling?”

“I’ve been better!” Fry admits. “You’re not by any chance here because you’ve taken pity on me have you?”

“Sort of…” Chris says. “See I’ve got a little secret to share and now seemed like as good time as any…”

Princess Daisy appears in the hologram, eying everything excitedly.

“Wow! Are you talking to everyone right now? That’s so cool! Show me how it works?”

Chris pushes here aside.

“…As I was saying Fry. That lava beneath you? Don’t worry. It’s only water.”

“It is?!” Fry cries hopefully. Chris nods.

“Oh yeah. Totally. Just glowing coloured water. Perfectly harmless.” Chris snickers. “The poisonous jellyfish and vicious man-eating piranhas swimming in it? Yeah they might be a different story.”

“What!?”

The revelation startles Fry enough that he lets go of the leg.

“AGGGGGGGHhhhhh…”

Chris cackles.

“HAVE A PLEASANT SWIM FRY!”

Fry spirals downward towards the waters. Landing on its surface stomach first.

 To everyone’s surprise he bounces. Flying back into the air before slowly coming to halt. The glowing substance being neither liquid water or rock, but some sort of gelatinous surface. He let’s out a laugh of relief.

“FRY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?” Leela calls down.

“I’M OKAY LEELA! I LANDED ON THIS BIG JELL-O THING!”

“JELL-O!?” Leela echoes.

…

“Jell-O?” Chef askes.

He turns to Chris. The host seated with the other staff in Rodney’s office, looking far less smug than he was a moment ago.

“…What?” He says hoarsely. “W-where’s my piranhas?”

“They’re there.” Rodney insists.

He gestures to the screen. Submerged in the Jell-o are solid objects, what appears to be hard candy in the same of a very cartoonish depiction of Amazonian red bellied piranhas.

“The Jelly is gooseberry and the piranhas cranberry. I’d imagine they’d be quite delicious together. Of course, they’re inevitably going to be stomped on by the contestants but should anyone want an unspoiled sample I’d be more than happy to include some in the catering algorithm.”

“Oh, yes please.” Peach says.

Chris seems to be coming out of his daze.

“Dude! Why are my piranhas made of candy!?”

“Did you want real ones?” Rodney asks surprised. “Oh no I’m afraid that’d be quite impossible. I have it so that nothing there’s nothing made in my rooms that would intentionally seek to do lasting harm any of my guests.”

“So what? I should have gone lava after all.”

“Also, impossible.” Rodney says academically. “The master algorithm forbids the generation of any extreme temperatures or substances or minerals that are toxic, caustic, poisonous, or otherwise lethal or uncontrollably dangerous.”

“But It’s Total Drama!” Chris shouts. “It’s supposed to be dangerous dude! How are we going to get views if I can’t torture the contestants!!?”

“Why would we ever do something like that when everyone’s such lovely people?” Peach asks.

Chris smacks his forehead.

…

With the threat of a very violent death gone, the rest of the contestants’ breeze through their first challenge relatively easily. Fry isn’t the last person to end up at the bottom of the pit. Both Wallace and Max hop down intentionally, curious to see what it’s like down there.

Jack approaches Elizabeth who’s still reading one of his books. He presents his backpack to her.

“I’m sorry. Do you mind holding these? I need to get my book back.”

“Surely one of the others could fetch it for you?” She asks the boy. He shakes his head.

“I don’t own these, I’m burrowing them. Which means I’m responsible for looking after them.”

He pushes his glasses back into place and lowers his legs down into the pit somewhat hesitantly.

“Oh man…”

And he jumps down to join the other three.

The rest of the contestants make an attempt at the furniture. Meg falls as does Bruce Wayne who is surprisingly, almost suspiciously bad at the jumps. The rest cross without issue. Raggedy Ann, Katara and Olivia all doing surprising well.

There fortunately turns out to be a ladder out of the pit and up to the opposite side. Once the other competitors have crossed the boys climb it and reunited with the rest of the group.

Jack retreats his backpack from Elizabeth.

“Thank you for the help.”

“I should hope whomever you burrowed them from appreciates the dedication you have to their precious books.” Elizabeth says.

“They are very precious.” Jack says importantly. “Morgan Le Fay takes her personal library very seriously.”

“Morgan Le Fay?” Elizabeth asks with a slight laugh. “The witch from Geoffrey and Chretian’s King Arthur stories?”

“She’s not a witch.” Jack insists, slightly offended. “She’s brilliant. Me and my sister Annie, we do missions for her and Merlin in her magic tree house. It’s taken us all over history looking for great people and their knowledge.”

Elizabeth gives him an amused look.

“I should say you’ve quite the imagination, even for a boy your age.”

Jack smiles back at her.

“My English teacher says the same thing. She doesn’t believe me either.”

Just then Chris appears, in the flesh this time.

“Contestants. Congratulations on passing your first challenge.”

“Hey man, what gives? Why’d you pull a double fake out?” Miko asks.

“Just messing with you dudes. Figured we’d take it easy on you for round one.”

“That was nice.” Leela says.

“Yeah.” Chris says. “Just don’t expect us to make a habit of it. Most challenges you face in this house really are going to be brutal! …Hopefully.”

He mutters the last word under his breath then turns his full attention back to the group.

“Now! Let’s see who had the best time!”

There’s a great stained-glass window behind him. The carefully painted glass panels begin changing shape, a figure of a saint melts and contorts until it becomes a field of cobalt blue. Upon it, in rich medieval print a score board of times appears.

“With thirty-five seconds, the fastest time was Shego!” Chris announces.

“Cool! Great! I’ve earned the money now right?” She asks.

“Awk! I was much faster than the obnoxious harlequin!” Vultureman squawks. “The Great and Mighty Vultureman demands answers!”

“The Great and Mighty Vultureman was disqualified for using his powers.” Chris informs him.

Vultureman screeches indignantly.

“You never said we couldn’t use our powers!!” Guzma shouts.

“True. But I never said you could, did I?” Chris challenges.

Guzma, Vultureman and Penny Crayon erupt into a chorus of outrage. Screaming at Chris.

Alucard clears his throat and they go quiet. The vampire lowers his glasses and gives Chris a piercing look.

“Mr Mclean. As both your guest and representative of the Hellsing Organization I must respect your rules. But I was promised a fair competition and this intentional lack of guidance was most certainly not that. Should this less moral behavior ever become truly fowl than I will have no choice but to deal with you the same way I deal with the rest of the vermin. Am I clear?”

Chris stares at the vampire for a good twenty seconds before responding.

“…Totally.” He says slowly.

Alucard grins.

“Perfect.”

“I want him on my team.” Penny says nudging Zelda. “Don’t you?”

“I think I’d rather reframe.” She says apprehensively.

…

The altar behind Chris has a trap door beneath it. Chris ushers them down it then leads them through what looks like the basement of a suburban house before they pass through a set of automatic doors and enter a new space. One with the hum of fluorescent lights, a tiled floor, and seven long aisles stocked with food. Peach, Rosalina, and a several toads are already there waiting for them.

“Out of curiosity how many of you have never been in a room like this?” Chris asks.

Vultureman, Raggedy, Zelda, Elizabeth, Herlock, Entrapta and Katara all raise their hands.

“I see. Well for those not in the know. This here is a supermarket, it’s where we in the modern mid 20^th to mid 21^st century world get our food and supplies.

“Fascinating!” Entrapta gushes.

“Yeah great.” Shego says. “Of all the magical places you could make in this place you choose a grocery store. Amazing imagination you people have.”

“Sometimes you’ll find here in the Rodney House that it’s not the setting that’s strange, but the context it’ll be used in. For example, part two of your first challenge is another game you probably played as a kid but in a setting you were probably not allowed to play it in. Hide and seek.”

“How are we suppose to find enough space to hide twenty-three grown ass people in here?” Steve asks.

“That’s what’s gonna make things interesting… also quick. We don’t want each part of this challenge to take all day.”

He turns to leave.

“Five minutes to hide houseguest. Last one found gets another advantage in the last round.”

Alucard clears his throat. Chris stops dead and turns around again.

“…Also just so we’re clear, you still can’t use your powers.”

He waltzes back out of the store. Rosalina and Peach turn around and shuts their eyes her Toads begin counting in their raspy little voices.

“One… Two…”

…

“…Two-Hundred-Ninety-Nine… Three Hundred! Yeah!”

The group turns around. The store’s a mess. Boxes and cans litter the floor as it seems people have displaced them in the panic of hiding. In front of aisle four directly ahead of them is a floor display of boxes of soda that wasn’t there when they closed their eyes. One of the toads walks up to it excitedly.

“Found them! Found them!”

“Very good!” Peach says, her tone that of a kindergarten teacher. “Pull them out and show me who you’ve found.”

The toad yips excitedly and kicks away one of the boxes at the bottom of the display. It falls apart exposes a very grumpy looking Gary.

“We found you Gary.” Peach says.

“Come on! My spot was good, that bastard Steve or somebody ratted me out.”

“Bullshit I ratted you out!” Comes a voice from beneath the nearest cashier aisle. Peach looks and finds Steve tucked in small nook where a trash bin would normally go.

“Uh hi?”

“Found you Steve!”

Rosalina looks up, almost boredly.

“The feathered one. I see him too.”

“Impossible!” Cawks Vultureman from behind the tiny display he’s crouched behind.

…

They continue finding people with ease for some time. It seems that not every contestant bothered putting their all into this challenge, and those who did don’t seem to have had many good options.

Max, they find right away. He’s standing by the entrance door with a lampshade over his head. Where he found it, they have no idea.

Herlock they find trying to sneak around behind their backs. His line of thinking apparently being that the last place they would have looked was right behind them.

Searching the aisles yields contestants ducking behind products or wedged best they can in or under the shelves. They find Guzma, Meg, Leela and Jack and that way. Shortly after one of the toads finds Bruce Wayne after he accidently knocks over the floor display, he was crouched behind.

“Admittedly stealth has never been my strong suit.” He insists.

After Bruce the discoveries die down. The two women follow behind the little toads as they pace the aisles. Double checking to make sure if they’ve missed anyone obvious.

Peach sighs happily.

“I think I’m enjoying being on the other side of things. Especially with so many friends by my side.”

Rosalina makes a faint noncommittal noise.

“Are you enjoying yourself Rosalina?” Peach asks.

“Unfortunately, no.” Rosalina says shortly.

Peach looks at her taken aback.

“Whatever do you mean?”

She looks up at Rosalina. Her friend was already taller than her but she also had a habit of floating ever so slightly off the ground. One of Rosalina’s pale blue eyes gazes down at her sternly. The other as usual hidden by a sweeping bang of platinum blonde hair.

“Princess I have seen the lengths you and your special one have gone to reach each other across the cosmos. There is much strength in your heart. But still I wonder how you have to strength to remain cheerful around that so called god.”

“Conner?” Peach asks. “Why of course I’m cheerful around him. I’m very pleased to see him again. He’s a very kind man, and was very good to us last season.”

“I believe the new host has different plans.”

“Yes, I supposed that’s true. Endless has ended. It’s in the past, and now we have Mr McLean and his way of doing things back. But he’s still a guest of Rodney’s like all of us, and Rodney is a wonderfully kind squirrel, he’ll make sure everyone will always be perfectly safe.”

She cups her hands around one of Rosalina’s hands.

“You mustn’t worry Rosie. I appreciate your concern but try and enjoy yourself. You’d find you have much in common with Conner and everyone if you got to know them.”

Rosalina looks thoughtful.

“Perhaps your right.”

“Splendid.” Peach says. She looks down a nearby aisle and gasps.

“Oh look at all the lovely baking supplies they have.”

She rushes ahead. Her goddess friend watches her with a look still tinged by melancholy.

Behind her Fry slowly crawls out of one of the frozen food freezers and quietly grabs a bag of chips from the opposite shelf.

“You’ve been spotted.” She tells him without turning.

“Dammit!”

…

Zelda and Katara as it turns out also made the unadvised decision to try and hide in the freezers. They come out on their own after a while, shivering.

After that, the little group of seekers moves on from the main floorspace. Off to the side of the aisles is a short hallway and two bathrooms, men and women. They find Wallace waiting for them in one of the stalls of the ladies’ room and Alucard standing placidly in the middle of the men’s room.

A flap in the back of the aisles leads to a crowded storeroom. Miko they discover under a series of crates of produce. Penny ends up being behind a pile of boxes that she seems to have drawn herself, and Elizabeth and Tenpenny are both found hiding the small managers office.

The found contestants are shooed out of the store and the ladies are their toads are left to try and find the last four hiders, Raggedy, Shego, Entrapta and Olivia.

“Where could they be?” Peach wonders aloud after twenty minutes go by without result. “We’ve searched the front?”

“Yup!” Squeaks one of the toads.

“…And the back room?”

“Yeah!”

“…And the aisles?”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh my.” Peach sighs. She laughs to herself. “You really think I’d be better at seeking after all those statue hunts in Endless. What do you say Rosalina?”

Her friend seems distracted again.

“Rosalina?”

Rosalina nods, and looks down at her with a smile. The goddess eyes had been fixed somewhere above her.

“I find that in such times, it helps to reflect upon the stars.”

“What do you mean?”

Rosalina puts a single finger to her lips then extends it to the ceiling.

They wait in silence. After a moment they hear the muffled sound of shuffling from somewhere above them. Peach gasps.

“Is there anyone above us?”

“NO!” Cries a voice in the ceiling.

“Pigtail! I knew you were going get us in trouble!”

“They can’t find us if they can’t see us can they?”

Peach giggles and crouches down to meet one of her toads at eye level.

“Do you mind if I ask a favour of you?”

The toad nods eagerly. She lifts him gently into an air vent.

There’s some more shuffling, then they her the little toad yip in excitement before there’s a great deal of shouting. The foam ceiling tiles above give way and Peach’s subject comes crashing down to earth, bringing with them, Entrapta, Shego and Olivia.

“Well now I suppose they can see us.” Entrapta says. Shego snarls bitter.

“Great. That’s what I get for letting you up there.”

“Actually, hiding in the ceiling was my idea.” Olivia says. Shego glares at her.

On cue Chris comes waltzing back in the front doors, the other contestants in tow.

“Nice hiding ladies, but it just quite wasn’t good enough.” He chuckles. “Alright Raggedy! You won!”

One of the cash registers’ opens and out springs Raggedy Ann. The doll looks surprised.

“Well, gosh you mean it mister?”

“It seems your size was very favourable for that task.” Rosalina notes. Raggedy looks down bashfully.

“Aw golly, I can’t help that I’m a dolly.”

“No you can’t” Chris agrees, with a shiver of discomfort. “Now. All of you, follow me. On to part three of today’s challenge.”

Peach Rosalina and the toads stay put, as Chris swipes some sort of employee only door that had been locked while the contestants had been hiding. It clicks open the contestants find themselves being lead through a long commuter train being rattling down a subway tunnel. All around them empty clothing sit in the seats as if worn by invisible commuters.

“Hey it’s like the Old New York subway!” Fry says brightly looking around while munching on the bag of chips he had swiped earlier. “’Been a thousand years since I’ve been on one of these.”

“Must have been difficult to manage back then.” Leela says. “Pneumatic tubes transport is so much easier.”

“What favour chips are those?” Wallace asks.

Fry shovels a handful of them in his mouth and screws up his face in confusion.

“Don’t know. It’s like some kind of weird messed up space flavour.”

“Bum me one.”

Fry hands one to Wallace and he pops it in his mouth.

“I’m tasting… Paprika and cinnamon.”

“What’s it say on the bag?” Miko asks.

Wallace looks.

“Paprika and cinnamon.”

Miko grabs herself a handful.

“Not bad.”

“So far both parts of this challenge have been delicious.” Fry says happily. “If things stay this way this game’s gonna be great!”

“I hear you man. I’m kind of starting to vibe with this place.” Miko says. “It’s like one of those puzzle platformer battle-royale games but with procedurally generated maps.”

“Is that what the kids are playing these days?” Wallace asks.

A set of very normal household stairs leads out of the train and up into another unusual room. There’s no furniture present. Rather, the space was taken up with block-coloured shapes and platforms of every size, all covered in soft padding. Dozens of platforms and unorthodox paths spiral upwards over them, some of them leading into tunnels that lead to other, connected parts of the area currently hidden from view. It looked like a grand scale parkour gym.

“So.” Chris begins. “Most of you have probably figured out by now that the theme of your first challenge has been playground games, and if you haven’t clued in yet, congratulations, you’re officially one of the contestants I accepted onto the show as a joke.

Now can I get Raggedy Ann and Shego to step forward?”

They do so.

“Contestants, first two rounds were about facing off against the environment or the interns. This final round however for the first time you’ll be doing something your gonna do a lot of in this game, directly facing off against each other.”

“We’re playing dodgeball, aren’t we?” Wallace asks.

“No team sports just yet.” Chris says with a wink.

“Is it tag?” Jack guess.

“Close.” Chris says. “Your final game is a variation of tag called manhunt.”

“Well shit. I know a thing or two about that one.” Tenpenny jokes.

“Rules are almost exactly the same as tag.” Chris explains. “One player or in this case two…” He nods his head to the winners of the previous rounds. “…. start as It and have to tag other players, in Manhunt however once you’re it you stay it for the rest of the game, until there’s just one player left. As you can imagine mid game get’s kind of confusing so theirs some helpful hand gestures to go along with the game. You do this…”

He swipes both hands horizontally across his chest.

“…if you’re not it. And this…”

He makes a vertical chopping motion with both hands.

“…if you are.”

He folds his hands back behind his back.

“Now here’s where things are about to get interesting. Shego, and Raggedy will be it. They have half an hour to tag all twenty other contestants. After that we’ll have our first elimination ceremony. If the original hunters manage to tag everyone, they’ll win immunity, and two of them will get another special reward. If they fail, they’ll be the only ones not immune tonight. Meaning they have a one in three chance of going home right now.”

“Gosh.” Raggedy says.

“You wanna run that by me one more time Mclean?” Shego asks angrily. “Because it sounds like I’m being punished for doing well.”

“Trust me Shego, in manhunt the tagger is always at the advantage. Especially as you get more and more people helping track their former allies.”

“Why would I do that?” Tenpenny asks. “What’s say, stopping me once tagged from sitting on my ass and refusing to help destroy my chance at immunity?”

“Remember anywhere in the house we have eyes on you.” Chris warns him. “You refuse to play this last round, I’ll count that as a disqualification from the challenge. Meaning you forfeit any chance immunity regardless of who wins. Got that officer?”

Tenpenny considers this then folds his arms and nods.

“Fair enough.”

“I’m not getting stuck with the doll!” Shego snaps.

“Aw, come on, I’m sure we’ll be fast friends.” Raggedy insists.

“I don’t care about friends! I care about not losing!”

“Playing games isn’t about winning or losing silly. It’s about having fun.” The doll giggles.

Shego slaps her forehead miserably.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

“I’ll give you a peace offering Shego, just because you’re humouring me.” Chris chuckles. “I’ll let you pick one person to sit out this last game. But choice carefully. That person’s going to be immune tonight no matter what happens.”

Shego silently judges her fellow contestants for a moment or two.

“The vampire.” She decides on.

“Excellent choice.” Grins the Alucard. “None of you would have stood a chance against me.”

“You have thirty minutes.” Chris reminds her.

“Yeah I got that part!” Shego snarls.

“…and…”

“Yeah, Yeah! No powers whatever!”

“Runners get a minute head start! Good luck!” Chris says.

And with that he and Alucard walk over to the nearest wall. It slides open and they walk through and disappear.

Raggedy turns around and covers her eyes.

“One…two…three…”

“You’re gonna want to run.” Shego tells the others.

They do so.

…

By a minute’s gone by the cast has scattered. Their play area’s big enough that some of the them have lost sight of each other.

Fry’s sprinting blindly when he runs into someone’s back.

“Aha!” They cry.

It’s Herlock. The detective spins around and raises his fists.

“Though you could catch the great Herlock Sholmes off his guard sir? Unlikely! If it’s a fight you want they we shall duel like proper gentlemen.”

“Detective! Sorry! Are you it?”

“Whose asking?”

“Wait.”

Fry swipes his hands across his chest.

“Ah I see.” Herlock says approvingly. He repeats the gesture. Fry relaxes.

“Oh good. Now quickly, we should team up. We’ll last longer that way.”

“Absolutely not.” Herlock says.

“Why not?” Fry asks dejected.

“Frist rule of detecting! Trust no one, not even yourself.”

They hear approaching footsteps.

“I was never here!” Herlock declares. He dashes away.

“Wait!” Fry says.

The footsteps grow louder, until Leela rounds the corner. Fry perks up.

“Leela!”

“Oh it’s just you.” She says relived. “Have you been tagged yet?”

“No! Have you?”

“No.”

She turns to leave.

“Wait!” Fry says. “Where are you going?”

“It’s better to keep moving.”

“But aren’t we going to team up?”

Leela winces. “You mean the whole challenge?”

“Yeah why?” Fry asks frowning.

Leela looks awkward. “Remember when all those tentacles from another dimension invaded? How I was the only one in the universe to avoid being infected.” She gives him a look. “…And you were the first one hooked?”

“Leela if this is about our relationship, I promised you I’ve moved on from Yivo. I don’t even think about shkler anymore.”

“What? No!” Leela says, flustered. “Look Fry. Don’t take this personally but I don’t want you holding me back this game.”

“I don’t.” Fry insists. “We’re a team.”

“An unequal team.”

Fry looks wounded but quickly rallies himself.

“Alright I get it. But give me one chance to prove myself before you make up your mind.”

“I already know what you’re like back at work.”

“Please Leela? If we team up this round and don’t win I’ll pretend like I don’t even know you for the rest of the season. Whatever makes you happy.”

Leela smiles softly. “Well… that wouldn’t make be happy either.”

She brushes his hair aside and kisses him on the forehead.

“One round. Got it? If you mess this up for us we’ll just have to talk about it later.”

“That’s all I ask.” Fry says.

…

On another part of the map Shego’s doubled over in exhaustion. She’d been chasing Entrapta for some time but the young scientist was proving evasive.

“Hi there. Are you having fun yet?”

She looks over to see Raggedy waving at her. Shego growls.

“Why are you just standing around!?”

“Oh I’m not I’m chasing Penny up there.” Raggedy says pointing.

She points up to one of the platforms where Penny’s waving down at them cheerfully

“Hi! Hello! How are you?”

Raggedy giggles.

“She’s a lot bigger and faster than I am but I’ve been having tremendous fun playing with her the last ten minutes.”

“You’ve been wasting a third of our time on one contestant!?” Shego shouts. Raggedy nods.

“Yes, but she’s quite good at this game, I’d take a lot to-“

Shego springs up the platforms like an acrobat, then vaults back to the ground. Penny Crayon in her arms.

“…catch her. Golly.” Raggedy says.

“That wasn’t very sportsman like of you was it?” Penny says crossly.

“Shut up and start tagging people.” Shego snaps.

“Not a nice way to put it but very well then. You’re the boss I suppose.”

Penny laughs and runs off. Shego grabs Raggedy.

“Apparently you’re useless alone so you’re sticking with me.”

“Oh wonderful. We’ll be sure to become best of friends now!”

Shego groans.

…

Back in Rodney’s study the staff watch quietly as Shego, Raggedy and the contestants she’s converted tear through a crowd of their fellow competitors like a band of rabid foxes trapped in a henhouse.

“Well Mclean I must hand it to you, you have quite the erm… spirited show.” Rodney compliments.

“It’ll only get crazier.” Chris assures them. He clears his throat. “Assuming you people quit trying to hold me back.”

“Don’t look at me I’m the one saying we should have given Shego less time.” Conner insists.

“Anyone spot any slouchers yet?” Daisy asks keenly. “I really want to disqualified someone.”

“Daisy!” Peach scolds.

“What?” Her friend asks. “Can’t a girl enjoy having power for once? I never get to do anything back in Sarasaland.”

Chef squints. “Ms Bennet is technically playing, but she ain’t exactly applying her self. Same with Batsy.”

Chris shakes his head. “Dang old Batsy dude. Never thought I’d say it but I’m starting to get disappointed.”

“Maybe you should have signed up Batman instead of Bruce Wayne then.” Conner says causally.

…

Bruce Wayne and Elizabeth causally stroll about, watching the chaos from a distance. Both of them had done little to avoid being tagged and now they’re doing little to tag anyone else.

“I think both of us we’ll be in trouble if we don’t tag someone soon.” Bruce says reluctantly.

“I suppose your right.” Elizabeth muses. “Yet the being in the midst of your ceremonies seems quite disagreeable.” She pulls at her gown. “At least they are while I’m still in my evening best.”

Bruce chuckles softly.

“If I’d known what kind of competition this was, I’d have worn something different as well. You’d be forgiven if takes a while for you to stop feeling out of place here.”

“That’s putting it rather softly.” Elizabeth says. “Truthfully I find most of the formalities of my time excessive and still I’m put off by the bluntness of your world.”

“This isn’t my world.” Bruce says. “Actually, my world would be closer to yours.”

“Is that so?”

“Life in the upper class never changes really. Even if it did back in Gotham the only real source of innovation is crime.”

He gives her a smile.

“If I could offer some advice, I’d recommend trying to take advantage of the situation. Let loose a little. Enjoy yourself for once. It’s not like anyone from your home will be watching.”

Elizabeth returns his look with a beleaguered smile.

“Easier said than done.” She admits. “I’ve nineteen years of preconditioning to make amends for, and even if I were to forget them tomorrow, I’ve doubt I would miraculously gain the same need to be engaged in my surrounding as some of my sisters.”

Bruce shrugs. “You never know until you’ve tried. You might end up surprising yourself.”

“HEY!”

Their attention turns to Guzma, who’s just come running.

“What are you two doing standing around?”

“Just brainstorming.” Bruce says.

“We don’t need you wasting your time with that.” Guzma points at a latter behind him. “The kid with the backpack saw one of those professor type ladies head up there! Now get moving before you’re disqualified!”

“Yes sir.” Bruce says. He gives Elizabeth one a parting smile.

“I’ll handle this. Nice speaking to you Miss Bennet.”

“Likewise.”

And with that Guzma and Bruce start up the ladder. Bruce once again seemingly struggling with the physical aspect of the challenge. Elizabeth smiles to herself as he wipes his brow and removes his suit jacket. Then her smile disappears, and there’s a reassessment in her mind that will stay with her for some time.

Without his bulky jacket she can get a better picture for Bruce’s figure through his yellow shirt, it’s not the figure of a man who should be as unfit as he’s been acting. Quite the contrary.

At once the truth becomes apparent to the young Miss Bennet.

Bruce Wayne was hiding something.

…

Shego’s barreling through the course with Raggedy Ann perched on her shoulder when they nearly run into Wallace and Max.

“Well, it if isn’t the newest star of my deprived fantasies.” Max says. “…And also, a child’s play thing. Strange mix.”

“Can it.” Shego says. “Whe-“

“Slow down.” Wallace interjects. “First things first.”

He and Max make the chopping motion.

“I know. I tagged you two remember?” Shego says impatiently. “Now-“

“Make the motion too.” Wallace says.

“You already know we’re it!”

“We got a system here lady so chop chop.” Max says.

Shego groans in exasperation.

“It’s like talking to a room full of Drakan.”

She and Raggedy make the same gesture.

“We are running down the clock here so you two better tell me you’ve been busy.” She says.

“Course we’ve been busy.” Max says. “Me and my temporary partner have been doing the rounds, gathering priceless intel.”

“According to the gossip on the ground it’s just Gamer Girl, the cyclops and pigtails that haven’t been tagged yet.” Wallace tells them.

They’re a great deal of noise and what sounds like a war cry from Meg Griffin before Entrapta calls.

“Ah! Never mind! She got me!”

 “That leaves three people.” Wallace says.

“With just five minutes.” Raggedy says. She giggles cheerfully. “Oh this is going to be a tricky one.”

“Not helping!” Shego snaps.

…

The entire course the contestants had been placed in was largely split into four chambers, of which platforms and tubes and all sorts of things to jump around and scurry through connect them. However the walls separating each part of the map didn’t run the entire way to the ceiling, and there was a few structures and overhangs where one could look down on most of the space at once. For the past fifteen minutes Fry and Leela have been doing exactly that. Siting on the top of a large jungle gym-esqe tower and watching the chaos below.

“Anyone see us?” She asks.

“No. They’re distracted with that girl.” Fry says, watching below as about a dozen contestants go running through the maze after Miko like a wolf pack on a young caribou. “Hiding up here was a great idea.”

“I figured if hiding in the ceiling worked out for the others then this time we ought to give a try.”

Fry seems to be only half listening. He’s leaning over the ledge watching the pandemonium below.

“They got her!” He cries.

“Fry not so loud!” Leela scowls.

“Sorry…” He says ruefully. He looks again. “Aw crud, someone’s looking… Now there gesturing at me.”

“Well don’t gesture back.”

“I have too.”

He makes a chopping motion. Leela recoils.

“Fry you’re it?”

“What? No! This is the sign for not It.”

“It’s the other one Fry.”

“Crud! I got them mixed up! No wonder people haven’t been paying attention to us. I’ve been giving them the wrong sign the whole time we’ve been up here.”

“Well don’t stop now.”

Fry hasn’t heard her. He’s already leaning over the edge and cried.

“Up here! I messed up!”

He makes the swiping motion, then watches.

“Oh yeah. That got their attention.”

In spite of herself Leela looks as well and sees the others converging on them.

“Fry…” Leela moans.

Down below Shego points up at the couple.

“GET MOVING PEOPLE! We got one minute left.”

“No chance someone’s making it time.” Steve says.

“Then out of my way!”

She starts bounding on the tower.

“What do we do?” Fry asks.

“Shut up and try not to be heavy.” Leela says.

She scoops him up and runs towards the ledge.

“Wait! Leela! I don’t know about THIS!”

Leela leaps. Barely catching an overhang with her free hand. She swings her body and using its momentum throws Fry onto another platform further out. She rocks back and forth with as much force as she can. There’s a metallic grown from where the platform connects to the ceiling. She swings one last time and jumps just as it gives way and crashes to the ground. She lands safely on the other platform with Fry just as Shego reaches the top of the tower they had been hiding on.

The villainess sets eyes on them, on what Leela had done to evade her, then growls again in frustration.

“Okay! Uncool move alright!? Seriously uncool move!”

“Come over here and tell us that to our faces.” Leela challenges.

“Watch me!” Shego says.

She leaps off the tower and comes just short of them, landing in a roll on the top of the wall segment below.

“THIRTY SECONDS SHEGO!” Chris booms over an intercom.

“Throw me at them.” Raggedy urges.

“I don’t need your advice right now short stuff!” Shego warns the dolls.

“Oh come on. I’m used to being bounced around.”

“No!”

“You’ll never make it on your own.” The doll pleads innocently, Shego gives her a very dangerous look.

“What was that?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You guys didn’t forget about us did you?” Fry asks, sincerely.

Shego’s patience seems to break. She screams and hurls a ball of energy up at him. A moment later she realises her mistake.

“Ah, great.”

“And just ten seconds from the end of the round, Shego’s disqualified for using her powers. Which… according to the rule I’ve just now made up to save time… means that the original taggers lose!”

Cheers erupt from below.

“Ah well. At least we had a lot of fun didn’t we Shego?” Raggedy Ann asks. Shego gives the doll an exasperated look.

“Is too late to throw you?”

…

Fry and Leela are rescued from the ceiling and the group reconvenes, Shego looking sullen. Conner and Chris rejoin them and they’re lead through another doorway. This one leads to an empty field glowing with fireflies. The sky above them filled with thousands of stars.

“Straight ahead.” Chris says, pointing them to another wooden door standing conspicuously a hundred metres ahead of them.

“Thank goodness we get to send home Shego.” Katara says. Tenpenny casts a look of mild interest at her.

“That who your voting for?”

“Well yeah…she’s obviously bad news. I’ve already dealt with people like that back home. I’d be a lot happier not to put up with one on my team.”

“She’d be more useful than a little dolly.” He says.

“She’d be more a threat too.” Leela argues.

“I’d think we’d do a lot better without that kind of person around.” Bruce agrees.

“Yeah, she might be trouble if she makes it past the merge.” Tenpenny admits. “But let’s put it this way, were about to form teams after this vote. What happens if the other team gets Dracula, that big ass bird thing, and maybe the crayon girl, and you ain’t got one on your team superpowers because Shego’s gone? How do you think the challenges are gonna go?”

“I don’t think they’d make the teams that unbalanced.” Bruce says.

Tenpenny shrugs causally.

“Only thinking out loud here. You’re welcome to disagree Wayne. Just…Consider what I said food for thought.

…

The door on the opposite end of the field leads to another sitting room like the one they had originally been shown too, but more spacious and modern in décor with a high ceiling and red wallpaper.

Twenty-three chairs are arranged in a U shape, in each of which a contestant is seated. Behind them there’s a roaring fireplace.

On the other side of the room is the wall is filled with twenty-three hand painted portraits of the contestants each with a light illuminating it. Beneath them there’s an unamusing door with a glowing ‘EXIT’ sign.

Chris, Conner and Rodney stand before it.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.” Rodney says. “I would be more than contented to have each of stay here in my humble adobe for a long while. Alas… the rules say that for some of you, this must be a short visit.”

“Welcome to the eviction lounge.” Chris says. “If you play this game right you’ll be seeing this place as little as possible. This is not a room of honour, it’s a place to seriously be avoided dude, and try as hard as you might, for all but one of you, your chances at a five million dollars will end here. But for now most of you are safe so enjoy the cozy atmosphere while you can.”

“It a little big for my taste but I like the décor.” Wallace says. “Nicely done.”

“Thank you.” Rodney says.

“Back at Camp Wawanakwa and all it’s many derivatives I made a habit of giving every safe camper a marshmallow as a reward for surviving another round of the game. Sometimes in some of the more out there seasons we’d mix up the treats and give out chocolates or peanuts instead. Conner of course being a weaker host than me used to give out nothing.”

“I gave them marshmallows once!”

“Fortunately for you guys this season we’ve got something more befitting an extended stay at home than campfire marshmallows. Home baked chocolate cookies!”

The two princesses emerge with trays of baked goods. They go about handing them out to the enthusiastic houseguest until all but Shego and Raggedy have been given one.

When they’re trays are all but empty they go to stand by the hosts. Peach hands the one leftover to Chris who holds it up.

“Only one safety cookie left. Shego. Raggedy Ann. You two were the only ones on the ballot today. One you’s about to be the kicked out before we even decide teams. That must feel rough.”

“Just make this quick.” Shego says looking bored. “Maybe if I get back home early I can go punch Kim Possible off a skyscraper or something to make myself feel better.”

“When I call your name, you will stand and walk out the Backdoor of Shame, and you will leave the Rodney House. And you can’t come back eh-ver.”

“Well perhaps for a causally visit.” Rodney says.

Chris squares his vision on Raggedy and Shego.

“First out of Total Drama Homespun is…

…

…

…

…

…

“Raggedy Ann!”

Shego looks mildly surprised. “Huh.”

“Oh dear… I was hoping it wasn’t me.” Raggedy sighs.

She stands and turns to the others, quickly recovering.

“Well… even if was just for a while, it was very nice to make your acquaintance everyone. Maybe someday we’ll all get to play together again.”

She curtseys, then bows, then with a final wave and smile, she leaves. The moment she does the light on her portrait goes out.

“I feel somewhat bad haven’t done that.” Zelda admits. Sitting next to her Meg shrugs.

“I just feel bad all the time. Like non-stop.”

“Then let’s bring on some good news.” Chris says. “So remember that special reward? Originally if the runners won I was gonna leave it up to a vote. However, since they were the last two people untagged, I’ve decided to award Fry and Leela…”

“Yes!” Shouts Fry.

“…The prestigious honour of competing against one another as our new team captains!” Chris finishes with a smirk.

Fry falls to his knees.

“NOOOOooooooo!!”

Chris laughs. “You two have tonight to think things over. “Until then, I’ll show you where you’re sleeping tonight.”

Chef emerges from a hidden door in the wall and ushers everyone inside. The staff and contestants slowly trickle of the room. Shego linger towards the back of the crowd.

Suddenly someone grabs her shoulder.

“You’re welcome by the way.”

She spins around.

It’s Tenpenny.

“For what?” She asks frowning at him.

“For saving your sorry ass just now with some well-placed PR.” He says.

“What? That was you?”

She’s still giving him an unfriendly look.

“Why?”

“Just a friendly gesture. Looking out for my fellow man and all that shit. I’m a real nice guy.” He insists. His upper lip curls. “You should be grateful I’m so generous. If I wasn’t one might just say that you’re indebted to me now.”

Shego folds her arms disinterestedly.

“Alright enough with the ego stroking. Let me guess? You want a henchwoman to do your evil bidding? I get that right?”

Tenpenny recoils with mock offense.

“Hold up now. Who said anything about evil? I just like to be pragmatic, nothing immoral implied.”

“Uh huh. Sure? So what do I do and who do I do it to?”

Tenpenny chuckles. “Easy there woman. All I’m saying is sometime in the next couple days… you and I our gonna have ourselves a talk.”

…

The contestants stand there. Most of them were their jaws hanging open.

They’ve been lead into a grand foyer, decorated similarly to Rodney’s Study. All about them, balconies, and books and columns.

 Down separate wings they see doors leading to all sorts of amenities. Upstairs there’s rows upon rows of private bedrooms.

“This is where we’re staying!?” Meg gapes faintly.

“My personal wing of the house,” Rodney explains. “Recently explained for you and your hosts benefit. I so hope it’s to your liking,”

“This is one of the most magnificent spaces I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Zelda says awestruck, her eyes dancing with excitement at the rows upon rows of books. Rodney smiles warmly.

“Thank you my dear. It’s for you to enjoy.”

“Oh yeah. Totally.” Chris says lightly. He coughs. “For now…”

“What was that?” Katara asks.

“Just clearing my throat.” He assures them. “Now what are you people standing around for? Go enjoy yourselves.”

They contestants disperse scarcely believing their luck. Chris laughs and turns to the audience.

“And so begins a new seasons. I just love the feeling don’t you?

Sure. We didn’t start off with a bang this time. No falling hundreds of metres onto dangerous sea life, but only because that idea got shot down by the party poopers. Don’t worry though, they won’t be getting away with that again!”

He chuckles sinisterly.

“I’ve got a whole lot of fun planned for these guys. So join us next time, when we see which of these losers Fry and Leela pick to be teammates. There’s in for some tough picks good and bad. Not to mention the stress of competing against one another. But at least now that we’re down to twenty-two guests, things we’ll be even.”

“That reminds me…” Max says walking up behind Chris. “Now that we’ve got a place to stay, I can finally unpack.”

He lays his briefcase on a couch and flips it open, then sticks his arm shoulder deep into the nearly flat piece of luggage.

“I know my little good luck charm’s in here somewhere. Ah! There it is!”

He tugs hard and out of the suitcase pops out the head of a dog wearing a fedora.

“Economy class sure isn’t what it used to be.” He says gruffly.

“I’ll say.” Max agrees. “Need a hand there?”

“I think I can manage.”

The head squirms then an arm emerges, then another, then a torso until slowly an entire dog in a forties style grey suit pulls himself out of the luggage. He stands there looking around curiously. He’s at least twice the size of Max.

“Thanks for the lift there partner.”

“Anytime. Just don’t ask me to do it again. Lugging all that weight around was murder on my shoulders.”

Chris stares flabbergasted at the pair of them. He opens his mouth to speak but all that emerges is a resolute.

“…Huh?”

“Right where are my manners?” Max says. He gestures to his friend. “This is Sam. We go everywhere together.”

Chris lets out a tiny noise of incomprehension.

…

Back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. Laughing heartly to himself. He turns to the audience.

“Well everyone that’s our show for tonight. As a quick refresher, Chris is an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into, and If he thinks he can wrestle control of this show out of my hands he’s got another think coming. Also very bold of him to assume he can get the last word in when I’m the one that controls the cameras, and can hear and see every plot relevant thing he says or does.

He laughs again.

“Mclean can call himself the head honcho all he wants, but you and I know different. Soon enough he’ll figure out which of us wears the dress around here. Pun very much intended.

But I digress! A new season has began ladies and gentlemen! And I guarantee you the contestants won’t be the first ones to develop cabin fever. Until next time America! This is Conner O’Gleeson signing off for Total! Drama! Homespun!”

Chapter Text

Chris McLean is seated in front of Rodney’s study, his eyes on the audience.

"Last time on Total Drama! New season! New old host! After my absence from Total Drama Endless I'm back! And so is Chef.

Last episode we were introduced to our exotic new season setting, The Rodney House. A strange place out in space that knows how to get a lot of living space out of a tiny universe. We brought the party with twenty-three guests from across reality and then to keep them on their toes, we immediately threw them into their first challenge! The result... kind of disappointing honestly. Turns out no one here appreciates my style of challenge, so we played a bunch of children's games that totally could have been more dangerous. I mean seriously dude? If I can't drop my contestants fifty metres into a pool of piranhas why'd I even come back? Fortunately I've been making sure everyone else is on the same page so that my creative integrity won't be comprised from now on. Which is probably bad news for the contestants."

He chuckles sinisterly.

"Speaking of them! Last challenge ended with us picking to lucky team captains, couple of the future Fry and Leela, as well as two unlucky losers to be first up for elimination. Though it was a close vote between her and Shego, Raggedy Ann was our first contestant to go which... honestly, I'm pretty happy about. Those eyes of hers were creeping me out.

Who will be next to go, find out today on Total Drama Homespun!"

…

Morning has dawned on the first full day of the competition.

“It appears we’re being excluded.”

Conner O’Gleeson and Princess Peach look up. Rosalina has just sat down next to them.

“What was that Rosalina?” Peach asks.

“The others… they are conspiring without us,” Rosalina says pointing her wand.

They look.

The staff are seated in Rodney’s lavish dinning room for their first breakfast, The other principal members of the staff, Chris Mclean, Chef Hatchet, Rodney and even Jeremy and Daisy are all seated at the same table, near the tall windows overlooking what appeared to be a dense autumnal forest. Their heads together.

“Whatever could they be talking about?” Peach wonders. Conner grimaces pessimistically.

“I should probably check.”

He gets up and walks over to their table. The others stop talking and look up as he approaches.

“You know fellas. Much as I love a good secret, I tend to prefer to be on the inside of one if you catch my drift.” Conner says. Chris smiles back pleasantly.

“Don’t we all? Unfortunately, this one doesn’t concern you.”

“Oh really? Why’s that?”

“We came up with a great challenge for today but Chris didn’t think you’d approve so he wasn’t gonna tell you!” Daisy blurts out excitedly.

Chef Hatchet slams a hand over her mouth. Conner raises an eyebrow intrigued and looks to his associate.

“Jeremy sugarbear, is this true?”

Jeremy gurgles guiltily.

“Yeah, it’s true,” Chris says eyeing Conner smugly. “Oh, and FYI? Rodney, Daisy and your little friend here already gave the green light, so there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Conner chuckles.

“Gentleman I think there’s something of a misunderstanding here. Just because I wasn’t as big on the gross public humiliation on my season doesn’t mean I’m a Puritan. I like a good crazy challenge once and a while.”

“Well, you ain’t gonna like this one,” Chef tells him.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Conner insists. “Lay it on me!”

They give him the details for the day. After they’ve finished, he stands there in silence for a few moments.

“Huh…” He says finally. He laughs softly to himself. “Honestly I was expecting worse.”

“You approve Conner?” Rodney asks.

“Rodney you’re the squirrel of the house. If it’s got your blessing then I’m all for it.” He looks back over his shoulder. “Good luck trying to convince Peachy though.”

Chris stands up and cracks his neck.

“Leave that to me.”

He struts over to Peach and Rosalina, brimming with his ever-present pride then leans on Peach’s chair.

“Princess! Princess Peach! Can we talk real quick? Just the two of us?”

He flashes her a Hollywood grin. She giggles.

“Alright.”

“Good.”

He puts an arm around her shoulder and escorts her out of her seat and over to the windows with their remarkable views.

“So… Princess. How are you settling in? Being an intern’s pretty different than being a contestant isn’t it?”

Peach nods. “Oh yes. It’s a very big change. I’m very grateful I have my friends and subjects here this time.”

“Great! Great…” Chris says. “Course that’s not the only different thing this season. You got me back as host again, and my style’s… different from Conners.”

“Yes I saw yesterday-“

“Yesterday’s not my style,” Chris says bluntly. “You saw a little of my style back in Endless remember that?”

Peach’s smile hesitates however slightly at the memory.

“Yes, it was very… what’s the word? Overstimulating.” Peach says.

“…But not the worst you’ve seen right?”

“Oh no.”

“Good. Good. Well just to give you a heads up, starting today all these crazy dudes we got this season we’ll be going through something like that. Not that they’ve got anything to worry about because I’ve already seen forty-nine other groups run through this game, and like you said they’ve got you and your little mushroom buddies to help out, isn’t that right?”

“Right,” Peach says smiling again.

“Awesome,” Chris says. He pats her on the head then walks back over to the rest of the staff, he smirks broadly at the look of surprise on Conner’s face.

“See what I mean? Easy.”

Conner shakes his head in disbelief.

“Mclean, you got a talent for talking people into things.”

“Uh yeah. Hello? It’s my job remember?” Chris asks smugly. He chuckles to himself. “Now what are all we standing around for? Let’s get this show rolling already.”

…

Elsewhere in the massive guest quarters, several contestants, having awoken from their soft beds and eaten their fair share of their luxurious breakfast are bidding their time in Rodney’s pool and spa. Penny, Jack, Miko, and Meg currently frolicking under high ceilings and great marble statues of squirrels and acorns.

Slightly removed from their happy chaos Katara stands ankle-deep in the water, practicing her particular mastery over the element.

Some of the older contestants watch on lazily from their pool chairs. Among them the 31^st century couple, Fry and Leela. The two of them lying in a hammock nuzzled affectionally against one another.

Leela sighs happily.

“This is nice.”

“Yeah…” Fry agrees, stretching the statement out with a relaxed contentment.

Besides them Shego grunts in agreement. The Villainess lays on her back in a bathing suit and shades, trying to catch some sun coming down from the skylight above.

“I’m kind of hoping those idiots just forget about the contest and leave us in here.”

“I’m not,” Fry says. “I’m excited to make my own team.”

“That’s sweet Fry,” Leela tells him. “Just… try not to get your hopes up too high.”

Her boyfriend looks confused.

“Why not?”

“How do I put this delicately?” Leela asks herself. “My team will be led by me, someone who has years of experience as a captain… and your team will have you.”

“Why’s that matter?” Fry asks wounded.

Leela gives him a pitiable smile then kisses him on the forehead.

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter. It’s only a game,” She reaches out and pinches his check. “What matters is you’re going to have fun before you get kicked out.”

“Leela you don’t understand, I’m going do everything I can to win this thing,” Fry insists. “Mainly to impress you, but still-”

“Contestants!”

Chris’s voice comes booming from an unseen intercom.

“Meet us in the foyer in ten! It’s showtime!”

…

The staff are gathered and waiting for them when they arrive.

“Day two!” Chris says excitedly. “Housemates good to see you. I trust everyone slept well?”

“Like a dream,” Katara says.

“AWK! Vultureman’s night was most agreeable!” Squawks Vultureman.

“Glad to hear it,” Chris says. “I hope everyone enjoyed frolicking around here last night as one big happy family. Unfortunately, though it’s time to introduce a little discord into paradise. Fry and Leela! Can I get you dudes to come on over?”

The two walk forward to stand beside him.

“Ready for service! Sir!” Fry shouts, saluting.

“That’s what I like to hear!” Chris says. “Now let’s get some teams established. We’ll do this dodgeball style. Oldest goes first.”

“By a factor of a millennium that’s Fry,” Leela says.

“Fry go ahead and pick your first teammate,” Chris says. “But pick wisely, whoever you choose will be your partner in crime for at least half the g-“

“Vultureman!” Fry cries.

“Oh lord…” Leela says.

Vultureman lets out a squawk of importance, then flies over to Fry.

“Excellent choice!”

“Now we get to be friends forever!” Fry exclaims happily.

Vultureman caws cruelly.

“The Great and powerful Vultureman has no friends!”

“Then I’ll be your first.”

Fry’s avian ally bends low and screeches in his face.

“VULTUREMAN HAS NO FRIENDS!!”

“Alright already!” Fry cries, cowering.

Chris laughs at him, then turns to Leela.

“Your turn. Pick your first choice.”

“Yeah. Pick any of us!” Max says. “Just try not to separate me and Sam alright? I can’t stand being apart from the big fella.”

“Don’t worry Max. We already agreed you and your little uh ‘security object’ both count as one contestant.” Chris says. Frowning disapprovingly at the rabbit and his dog partner he smuggled in.

“That’s a relief,” Sam says.

Leela meanwhile is still deep in the throngs of contemplation. She rubs her chin as some of the competition vie for her attention.

“This is tough. Let’s see…. Bruce people say decent things about you. Want to be on my team?”

“If you want me then alright,” Bruce says, slightly surprised. He walks over to join her.

“Dammit!” Fry says. “Now Leela’s got two smart people on her team. I need some of those.”

In the crowd of contestants, Wallace Wells chuckles and swivels a cosmopolitan. “I think you’re fighting an uphill battle.”

“Good point.” Fry says “Hey you seem smart. Want to me on my team?”

Wallace sips his drink. Considers it for a moment, then shrugs.

“Sure. What’s the worst that could happen?”

He and Fry high-five. Leela turns back to the crowd. Again, some of the contestants seem eager to volunteer. Steve Harrington has both thumbs pointed at himself and a look of confidence on his face. Next to him, Miko has her hand in the air and his bouncing up and down.

“Me! Me! Right here! Pick me, dude!”

“How about that Steve kid?” Leela says.

Steve pumps his fist. “Woo! Fourth picked!”

“Dang it!” Miko cries.

“Who next?” Fry asks Wallace.

“I mean the vampire’s still on the table.”

“I figured we should save him for Leela.”

“Listen, buddy. I get she’s your girlfriend but this is a competition. Take all the tall strong handsome guys for yourself.” Wallace advises sternly.

“But we already have Vultureman.”

“Fry it’s alright. I don’t want the vampire anyway.” Leela insists.

“But he’s a vampire!” Fry says gesturing at Alucard, who as always was looming rigidly in the back of the crowd.

“Exactly,” Leela says with a tone of disgust. “I don’t want him hanging around my bedroom while I’m trying to sleep.”

“I beg to differ.” Says Wallace pleasantly.

“Alright,” Fry says hesitantly. “I guess we’ll take him.”

Alucard grins his fanged grin then unravels into smoke, reappearing behind Fry.

“Come on!” Miko says, her arm still in the air.

Fry does end up picking her in the end, as well as Katara, Guzma, Shego, Meg, Jack and Entrapta.

Leela meanwhile receives, Sam & Max, Gary, Tenpenny, Elizabeth, Olivia, Herlock, Penny, and Zelda.

Chris Mclean claps his hands together.

“Housemates you now have your teams for the season! I hope everyone likes who you’re standing with because you are going to be spending a lot of time with them dudes.

Leela, Sam & Max, Gary, Steve, Tenpenny, Elizbeth, Bruce, Zelda, Olivia, Herlock, and Penny, from here until the merge you guys are now officially The Seismic Supertasks!.”

Penny, Entrapta, Steve and Herlock cheer.

“Ah that’s great name it sure is!” Penny says. “Just one question? What’s a supertask?”

“A philosophical mathematic exercise involving the completion of a countably infinite number of actions within a finite set of time.” Olivia explains.

“Ah…” Penny says. “Lovely. Thank you.” She thinks for a moment. “I still don’t get it.”

Chris turns to other new team.

Fry, Wallace, Vultureman, Katara, Alucard, Miko, Guzma, Shego, Meg, Entrapta and Jack, your cabin is to the left. I officially dub you guys the Outlandish Ordinals!”

Katara, Miko, Meg and Fry cheer, as do Zelda, Wallace and Jack somewhat more modestly.

“Hey, what’s an ordinal?” Fry asks.

“An adjective relating to a type of numerical organization in set theory primarily used to extend a set past a countable infinity.” Olivia says.

“Very good. Doctor Octavius.” Rodney says beaming up at her.

“Why thank you.”

“Now who’d like to see your new cabins?” Chris asks excited.

“Or we could stay here?” Shego says.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“Would I like to stay in the mega-mansion? Surprisingly the answer is yes.” Shego says sarcastically.

“I’m sure you’ll learn to love your new home just as much.” Chris chuckles. “Jeremy! Be a good assistant and open the door out of here?”

“Hey use your own assistant!” Conner shouts.

“Fine. Chef!”

Chef Hatchet grumbles then walks over and yanks open the door.

It’s still a shock for the contestants, as they walk through the door that earlier had led them one place only to find it now leads somewhere else entirely. In this instance they find themselves standing in a clearing along a lakeshore, Surrounded by oaks and maples in their autumn hues. Three dingy cabins stand before them.

“It looks like a camp,” Jack notes.

“Oh, it’s not just any camp contestants,” Chris says gleefully. “Although Rodney’s taken some liberties. You’re standing in a detailed recreation of the original Camp Wawanakwa!”

Peach looks impressed. The Contestants however simply stare at Chris blankly. He frowns.

“Seriously? None of you know anything about this show’s history?”

“With no disrespect meant I wasn’t aware any of such sort of tournaments existed until I received your invitation,” Zelda admits.

“What she said,” Tenpenny says.

Some of the others murmur in agreement, Miko meanwhile seems outright distraught, she rushes up to the closest cabin and opens the door, an average summer camp cabin interior full of bunk beds greets her. She slams the door closed and looks accusingly to the staff.

“Dude! You could have given us anything! We could have all had mansions, or castles or custom clubhouses! Why! Why some smelly old cabins without a single outlet?!”

“It was my idea actually,” Rodney himself admits. “I wanted to give you all something simple. A place in my home that would be consistent, recognizable. I understand the changing environments can be disorienting and It was my wish to give you all some normalcy.”

“And they’re ain’t no place more down to Earth than Wawanakwa.” Chef says.

“We could have handled something stranger,” Leela argues.

“We have already seen the weird side of the house,” Wallace agrees sipping his cosmopolitan he’s had since last night.

Rodney chortles.

“You’ve barely scratched the surface of my house my dears. This are shallow waters we’ve dealt with so far, there are stranger, murky depths.”

“When do we get do those?” Miko asks suddenly intrigued.

“They’re probably for staff only,” Daisy says smugly.

“Actually, at the risk of disappointing everyone they’re for myself only.” Rodney says.

“Awww…” Daisy and Miko chorus. Rodney chortles again.

“I’m afraid I’ve other experiments that need be given their space. Never the less don’t feel restricted, there’s more than enough room in the shallow house for our competition, and if you’re still disappointed in your cabin then I believe Chris has something of a compromise prepared.”

“Bring it in boys!” Chris shouts.

Through the trees appear a dozen toads all driving a large crane. Suspended from its arm is a much more lavish cabin, two stories and pristine, which they promptly drop one of the existing cabins.

“This...” Chris explains. “Is the deluxe cabin, it’s got modern amenities, toad butler staff, breakfast buffet, whole nine yards. Every day, winners get to stay there, and the losers in addition to sending someone home have to make due without outlets as Miko puts it.”

“Reusing elements from Revenge of the Island and All-Stars…” Conner observes. “Very bold choice McLean. Me personally, I would have given them both a nice cabin, keep them well rested, maybe I’d even let them customize things throughout the season.”

“Sounds like another of your bad ideas.” Chef grunts.

“It does doesn’t it?” Chris agrees. “Now Housemates, anyone like to stay in the nice cabin?”

Most of the cast raises their hand. Chris smirks

“Well let’s see who gets first dibs?”

…

They walk back through the door they entered, finding that once again it’s changed, leading them now through a long hallway in what looks to be an industrial chicken farm, overfeed birds making a din and ruffling their feathers as they pass.

On the other side there’s a large rectangular room, blank, white and sterile, the only furniture some scattered chairs and sofas.

“Ordinals, Supertasks, you follow in the example of over a hundred pre-merge Total Drama teams before you,” Chris says. “From the Screaming Gophers and Killer Bass in Island all the way to the Fact Hunters, Shorty Squad and Flower Girls in Endless.”

He chuckles. Then turns to Peach.

“Princess, I understand team dynamics were pretty strong in Endless. Got any advice for the newbies?”

Peach nods solemnly and looks to the contestants.

“There were times in our game when everything seemed lost, and we needed to depend on one another. Had we not all been such strong friends by the end I imagine things would have become most unpleasant.”

“Nicely put.” Chris agrees. He turns his attention back to his cast.

“This challenge will test a lot of you bring to the table as a teammate. Things like your personal endurance and dedication to the game. It may also make you hate everyone on the other team, which would totally make for good television.”

“Chris I could never hate the other team.” Tenpenny chortles. “Nah, I feel sorry for the ass kicking we Supertasks are about to deliver on these poor mother fuckers.”

“You wish old man!” Guzma sneers.

“Yeah Pig!” Meg cries. She gets in Tenpenny’s face and begins snorting obnoxiously.

“I don’t like that,” Tenpenny warns her in a low voice.

Meg suddenly shrinks back. “Sorry!”

Chris laughs merrily.

“Nothing like the sight of new rivalries. Now. Can I get Ordinals on this side, and the Supertasks over there?”

The crowd of contestants splits in half. Chris and his staff taking leave as they do.

For a moment the room is still.

“Now what?” Bruce asks.

A clear divider rises up, trapping the contestants on their respective sides. Chris reappears, this time on a large overhead monitor.

“We made the rules of this challenge nice and easy. There’re two exits to this room on either side, last team to stay here wins the deluxe cabin and immunity.

“Great, what’s the twist?” Shego demands.

“See that button?” Chris asks, directing their attention to two identical white buttons on each side of the room. “Those are your fun buttons. Hitting those will make something seriously bad happen to your opponents…”

Alucard, Guzma, Shego, Max and Wallace all immediately hit the button.

“…When the button lights up that is!” Chris clarifies with a chuckle. “After a while you’re all going to find this place pretty unbearable.”

Leela folds her arms confidently. “My team can take it.”

“Love that optimism captain, you’ll need it.” Chris grins. “Good luck!”

...

A few hours go by without anything happening. Leaving the new teams with little to do besides psyching one another up, and psyching their opponents out.

“Well gang, I’ve got good news,” Leela says pacing in front of her team. “Since you all got picked my me instead of Fry, you can confident that all the smart people in this game are on our side.”

“You don’t have any problem with us going hard on your boyfriends team?” Olivia asks sweetly. Leela smirks.

“I love Fry, but he’s hopeless,” She leans in and whispers. “It’s better to crush his dreams of winning now before he gets invested.”

“That can be arranged.” Tenpenny says.

“You hear that Ordinals!” Gary calls. “Don’t get comfy, because you’ll be out of this thing before lunch.”

Vultureman shrieks and lunges the clear divider. Gary cried out in horror and dives behind Elizabeth.

The great bird lets out a cackle of superior.

“AWK! The Great and Powerful VULTUREMAN Has never seen such PATHETIC PREY!”

“Be nice Vultureman.” Katara scolds.

“They’re the enemy,” Meg says gesturing to the Supertasks.

“They’re the competition, and they’re mostly nice people we hung out with all yesterday. I don’t want to start acting like a jerk just because of some made up teams.” Katara argues.

“This is Reality TV, everyone’s a jerk,” Wallace says, lounging on a sofa with his eyes closed. “That’s why people watch it.”

“Not everyone’s bad. There’s kids here.” Katara says.

“Exactly, have you meet children? They’re the worse.”

He opens an eye lazily and nods to Penny Crayon, who’s currently busy making faces at them.

“The awfulness of children aside, Katana’s right.” Fry says. “We can’t be too mean to Leela’s team.”

“Why because they’re led by your girlfriend?” Miko snickers. Fry nods.

“With all due respect captain, back in Team Skull we don’t waste time taking pity on the competition.” Guzma says gruffly.

Their button lights up. Guzma grins.

“Observe…”

The lights on the Supertasks’ side turn green, everyone waits, heavy with anticipation.

The door slides open, in walks Princess Peach carrying a baking tray.

“Who wants Christmas cookies?” She chirps.

The Supertasks crowd around her and take a few each. The Princess waves goodbye, leaves, and the lights return to normal.

The Ordinals stand there stunned.

“What kind of punishment was that!?” Shego demands.

Chris’s voice comes crackling over an unseen intercom.

“…Yeah, probably should have mentioned. There’s a rare chance when the button lights up you get something nice.”

“You didn’t tell us this why!?”

“Because it’s funny. Oh! By the way, there’s also a chance something really bad hits you. Something to look forward to.”

The Supertask’s button lights up.

“Would you look at that?” Max asks humoured. “Guess it’s our turn,”

“Perhaps since we’ve been given mercy, we could spare the others?” Zelda suggested.

“That’d be generous.” Katara agrees from the Ordinals side.  

“I dunno, maybe a little generous.” Leela says.

“There’s no such thing as too generous!” Miko says.

“Please Leela.” Fry begs.

He, Miko and Meg all give her the Puppy Dog eyes.

Leela sighs. “Well…”

The button blares. Everyone turns to see Max’s hand flat on it.

“Max Little Buddy, why’d ya do it?” Sam asks.

“I just like the attention Sam.” Max says.

“Maybe it will be another good one.” Entrapta says hopefully.

The lights of the Ordinals side turn red. Mounted cannons emerge from the walls.

“Not a good one,” Fry says.

“Definitely not,” Jack agrees.

“Hit the deck!” Miko cries.

Ping pong balls begin firing at them in all directions. Miko scampering under a couch, Jack cowering under his book.

Shego grabs Meg and uses the girl as a shield, all the while Alucard stands in the middle of the room, utterly non pulsed by the shenanigans.

After a minute or two the barrage stops, leaving the room littered with little plastic balls.

Fry looks up.

“Is everyone okay!?”

“Feeling good, thanks.” Shego says, still holding a now bruise Meg.

“I’m fine,” The girl says. She coughs up a ping pong ball.

Their button lights up.

“Ah, shit…” Steve says.

“REVENGE!” Cries Miko and Vultureman at once, both lunging for the button.

The other side lights up red, some of the Ordinal’s cheer.

“Brace yourself for something unpleasant.” Bruce says.

Herlock laughs.

“Let them try there worse, It will take more than they can afford to dish out to stop the Greatest detective in England. I’ll lead us to victory even I have to do it alone.”

“Do have some faith in your companions Detective.” Elizabeth says. “We’ve the ability to handle more than it may seem.”

The ceiling opens up, tiny squirming black shapes poor from it.

“SCORPIONS!!!” Steve yells.

The team devolves into panic, Elizabeth makes an odd face, then closes the book she’d borrowed from Jack.

“Farewell everyone.”

She walks out the door, only Herlock seems to notice.

“Predicable.” He says, flicking a scorpion off his shoulder.

…

Several hours, several lit buttons, and several more rounds of horrible things later the Supertasks are under strain. After the scorpions came the spiders, then a clown, then spider clowns with scorpion tails.

Most of the crawling things were gone now. The big clown had done away with them. How? No one but Max had seen, and he’d said it “Wasn’t something Sam’d like me talkin’ about with the kid here,”

Speaking of the kid, Penny Crayon was doing well for herself. Peaking out at her team from the large shelter she’d drawn with her magic crayon.

“I swear I don’t mind making this big enough for all of us, honest,” She offers.

“Nice of you kid but we’re doing alright ain’t we folks?” Tenpenny says glancing around at the time. Besides Elizabeth they’d only lost Bruce Wayne. Everyone else was present and larging holding together.

“Nothing the fabled Herlock Sholmes can’t handle.” Herlock assures them.

“We’re alright,” Zelda agrees quietly.

“We’ve got this under control,” Gary says. “Some of us aren’t Pussies like the get along gang over there.”

He jeers towards the Ordinals side of the room, where their opponents are taking a different approach. Rather than standing out and exposed amidst hordes of spiders and clowns as a show of dominance, most of the Ordinals had pushed the couches together, stacked chairs and pillows on top of them and seemed to be having a generally good time of things in their fort.

“I told you, there’s an upside to being nice to each other.” Katara says.

“How you guys holding up!?” Miko calls to the Supertasks.

“Great man! Doing awesome, I could like spend another week doing this.” Steve says, trying to ignore the clown dancing behind him.

“Good for you, nice to know we’re all having a good time,” Entrapta says cheerfully.

The button lights up. Shego slams her fist down on it. She’d been camped out, leaning against the wall next to it for sometime. Ever since their side of the room had been showered with plastic building bricks no one had felt like walking around.

The Supertask’s side flashes red, and suddenly heats up, quickly become as hot and humid as a rainforest. Behind Steve, the clown, seemingly affected by the weather lets out a hardy circus shriek and bursts into a cloud of glitter.

Penny’s crayon fort sags, then melts into a pool of colour. She clicks her tongue disappointedly.

“Well that’s the end of me I suppose. Magic crayon’s no with any sort of moisture. Wicked good fortune then it is that you’ve all good this handled.”

“It’s cool, you can bail we’ll see you when this is over.” Steve says distractedly, whipping clown glitter out of his eyes. Penny salutes him.

“Splendid! Well, I’ll be off then! Good luck gang!”

“Three down, nine of us to go!” Max says cheerfully.

“We’re still doing alright right Captain?” Sam says.

There’s no response from Leela.

They group turns and spots her, quietly creeping towards the exit.

“Going somewhere Captain?” Olivia inquires.

“Yeah…” Leela says slowly. “You know since everyone’s clearly doing so well for themselves, I don’t think I’m needed here,”

“You’re abandoning us?” Zelda says surprised.

“What? No! I just lead better from the outside. I can still cheer you on from the sidelines. Make sure no one quits on us.”

“You’re quitting on us now man!” Steve shouts.

“The hell is this bullshit!?” Gary demands.

Tenpenny clears his throat sharply.

“Gentlemen it ain’t your place to question the captain.” He says.

Both teens begin to protest. Steve stammers.

“But she-“

“I consider it a badge of honor if the Captain got that much confidence in us that she thinks we can win a challenge without her guidance.” Tenpenny says. He gives Leela an odd look. “Course you damn well better be prepared for the consequences if we lose.”

Leela folds her arms.

“Thank you for the concern Frank, but it’s unnecessary. If we lose I’ll be sure to make a merciless example out of whoever’s fault it is.”

She leaves, Tenpenny watches her go.

“Make that two of us captain.”

“What’s happening over there?” Fry asks.

“Your girlfriend just bailed on us,” Steve says.

“What!? No she didn’t!” Cries Fry. “She probably just decided to lead from the sidelines.”

“She probably ditched you Suckertasks because of the humidity!” Miko taunts.

“Firstly, this humidity sucks alright?” Steve insists. “Secondly why the hell don’t you people have bad weather!? Didn’t you get a rainstorm at some point?

“Oh we did, Katara used her water magic to freeze the sprinkles shut though!” Entrapta cries.

The Supertasks button lights up. Steve presses it, he groans at soon as the Ordinals side turns green.

Princess Peach appears in their doorway. Another tray in her hands.

“Time for tea,”

“Oh yes please, thank you,” Jack says.

He and the rest of the Ordinals take a cup.

“Wow, working together is kind of making this challenge fun,” Meg says.

“I told you guys this was a better idea than trying to intimidate the other team.” Katara says. “Shego you should come join us!”

“I’m not partaking in any of your feel good friendship garbage.” Shego insists. Katara laughs slightly.

“Guzma said the same thing earlier but he’s come around.”

“If it gets us that mansion then you better believe Big Bad Guzma will sit through a tea party.” Guzma says gruffly, sitting in the pillow fort with the others.”

“Tea is lovely by the way thank you princess.” Entrapta says snipping the lilac-coloured beverage Peach had handed out.

“The lavender taste is wonderful; I just wish you’d brought a smaller cup.”

Fry smacks his lips and makes an odd face.

“Uh what’s in this tea anyway?”

“Oh yes…” Peach suddenly looks almost guilty.

“Something from the house some friends of mine discovered during our time here in Endless. I believe Rodney said it had… what was that big word he used? Prosperities vaguely similar to Psilocybin.” She seems proud of herself. “Yes, that’s exactly what he said.”

Wallace suddenly spits out his drink.

“Ah shit…” He says resignedly.

“What’s wrong?” Fry asks.

“Nothing that can be helped at this stage.” Wallace sighs.

“What’d you mean?” Meg asks.

A second later she bursts into flames. Several people cry out in alarm.

“MEG!?” Katara shouts.

“What!?”

“HOW long have you been a Firebender!!?” Katara demands outraged.

“Apparently five seconds ago, you got a problem with it? You wanna go!?”

“Do I!?”

She transforms into an ice princess as they two of them lift into the air and begin to battle.

“This is for my mother you hot headed jerk!”

“You never appreciated me dad!!”

“Guys! Guys! Stop!” Fry cries. He turns to the Princess Peach, only to find in her place two birds fighting inside a gilded cage. Shego has become a green blob of slime and goo. Guzma’s and Vultureman are having a breakdance competition. He turns to face the other team and finds monsters gawking at him.

“Who’s having a bad time now Philip?” They boom in one voice.

 He yelps.

“I think something was wrong with the tea!”

Miko leaps onto the fort, now a pixelated sprite.

“What are you kidding!?” She demands, voice bit crunched. “I’ve never felt more alive.”

Her head swivels 360 degrees as she begins aggressively cheering on Guzma and Vultureman’s dance battle.

“What’s even happening anymore!? Why’s everyone turning into stuff?” Fry demands.

“I should have known they’d pull something like this…” The expanding clump of moss and foliage that used to be Wallace laments. 

A loud bark draws his attention. He finds Jack behind him.

“Jack!? You’re a seal now?”

“Second time as a seal actually,” Seal Jack informs him. “I’ve never noticed how tasty you look captain,”

“What would you say that? What do you think I am? A salmon?”

Fry looks down at himself and find he is now, in fact, a salmon.

“AAGH!”

He looks up at Jack drooling down at him hungrily.

“AGGGGH!”

“Don’t eat him!” A pile of hair that vaguely resembles Entrapta demands. Seal Jack looks offended.

“Why!”

“Because I’m eating both of you! Aaaaaaaa!”

Large strains of hair unfurl and pull him and Fry towards a gaping maw.

“Even being eaten I’m still going to eat you!” Jack shouts. He bites into Fry’s belly. Fry howls.

…

“What the fuck is happening to those kids?” Tenpenny asks, staring across the divider.

The Supertasks watch as Fry, pupils dilated and staring into space shouts at nothing. One of his arms extended. Jack hangs from it by his mouth, gnawing on Fry’s jacket. Entrapta meanwhile curled around her captain’s leg, gumming his jeans.

Behind them Vultureman lays face down on the ground, Guzma dancing aggressively over him and Miko cheers fanatically. Meg and Katara face away from each other, waving their hands about and speaking in a little voice.

“Woosh, woosh… fireball attack.”

“I’ll get ya. I’ll quench ya, Nothing's quenchier! I’m's the quenchiest!”

“Are they quite alright?” Zelda says.

“They’ll be okay,” Peach assures her.

…

It’s quite sometime before the Ordinals return from fantasy land. When Fry does, he finds his head spinning.

The room is a mess, piles of garbage everywhere about drenched in cold rain and yellow haze. The others lay around him, the scene overall looks like the aftermath of a really bad party, or a really good one, depending on what you’d call a good time.

“God what happened? You guys still alive? Groan once for yes, two times for no.”

This team lets out a prolonged groan. Fry listens for a moment then smiles.

“Okay good.”

“Welcome back to the land of the living Ordinals!” Tenpenny says cheerfully. “Hope you folks had a nice trip, sure as hell looked like fun.”

He and the other Supertasks seem to be in good spirits. Their side of the room still dreary but now much better off than the state the Ordinals are in.

“What happened to our room?” Meg says a gasp.

“Vultureman has reason to believe our opponents keep pressing their button while we were high.” Warbles the great bird from the floor. A lampshade over his head. ‘Dancing Queen’ written across his chest in sharpie.

“Who us?” Tenpenny asks innocently. “Nah… I mean I know I didn’t. Did you Gary?”

“Me officer? Take advantage of much of tripped out idiots? I’d never!” Cries the teen. He smirks. “That was all on Max.”

“I’m a simple guy. I see a shiny thing, I press it,” Max admits with a toothy grin.

“Oh and hey that reminds me while we on topic! Why did we get green lights for a bad role!?” Shego shouts up at the ceiling.

The intercom crackles to life they hear Chris laughing.

“Yeah… remember those really bad roles I teased? They also light up green like the good roles do.”

“WHY!!?”

“Because it amuses me greatly,”

Shego grits her teeth. Her fists surge with green energy

“Come down here and say that to my face!”

The Supertasks button lights up. Max gleefully presses it.

The lights of the Ordinals side go red and all of them are zapped with electricity.

Chris laughs even louder.

“YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!” Shego roars.

“I told you the buttons light up randomly. It’s out of my control.”

“Can I press it next time Chris?”

“Not so close to the mic Daisy they’ll hear you.”

“Wait, can they? HI GUYS! It’s me Daisy!”

The intercom goes dead. Leaving Shego fuming.

A soft chuckle draws her attention behind her. She and the rest of the team find Alucard there, grinning.

“How delighting pathetic.”

“Where have you been this whole-time man!?” Miko demands. “And what’s with the robe?”

Alucard is dressed in a fluffy white bathrobe with his long black hair up in a towel. In place of his usual opaque sunglasses there’s a pair of cucumber slices over his eyes.

“This challenge was proving much to easy so I quit several hours ago. In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying our esteemed host’s private spa.”

“Someone let you back in the staff quarters?” Wallace asks.

“Of course.” Alucard says. “Everyone who’s quits the challenge early is free to enjoy themselves there.” His grin broadens. “Though our host did mention this will be the last time we’ll likely be granted that privilege.”

Fry laughs.

“Big deal. I bet you the others guys are going to be really tempted by that. Fortunately no team of Philip J Fry’s so easily won over,”

The Ordinals glance at once another, then most of them make for the door.

“Guy! Wait!” Fry cries.

“Sorry captain!” Miko says. “But I could use a gaming session right now.”

“I can’t afford to let these books get wet,” Jack says apologetically.

“You got this captain, we’ll see you when this is over.” Wallace says saluting.

He closes the door, Fry’s left in a nearly empty room.

He sighs.

“Don’t worry Captain, you’ve still got us.”

He turns. Katara and Meg are still standing by his side.

“Don’t you guys want to hang out at the spa too?” He asks.

“Winning this challenge is more important.” Katara says.

“And I’m used to suffering.” Says Meg.

Fry beams at them.

…

The chance for more time in the staff chambers proves a great temptation for the Supertasks as well. Most of them begin trickling out one my one, Herlock Sholmes seemingly encouraging them. The detective has planted himself down cross legged in front of the divider, staring down the Ordinals.

“This Detective guy seems like he’s going to be tough to crack,” Katara admits.

“Don’t worry, I’ll outlast him.” Fry says.

“No you shan’t!” Herlock calls.

“Yes I shan!” Fry retorts. “Doing dumb, lazy stuff like this is my speciality. I spent two weeks on my sofa, didn’t move once, not even after the repo man came and brought it to the dump.”

“Yeah! You see this guy!?” Taunts Meg. “Our captain has this! Yours quit on you the second it got hard!”

“Shut up about my girlfriend,”

“Sorry,”

Katara smiles at Fry. “You two seem pretty close?”

“More than close, she’s the only person I love!” Fry says earnestly.

“What about your family?” Katara asks.

Fry grimaces.

“You got a rough home life too captain?” Meg asks.

“No my family’s alright… Or they were… I got frozen in a tube New Year’s Eve 1999. When I woke up it was New Year’s Eve 2999, and… well of course people don’t live a thousand years so…”

“Fry…” Katara says sympathetic. The captain gives her a bracing grin.

“Hey it’s alright. It’s just… You never stop missing them.”

Katara nods. “My friend Aang would know how you feel. He was frozen in an iceberg for a hundred years. He had to deal with a lot when he thawed out.” She looks aside. “Of course… he’s the Avatar to, that didn’t help.”

“I’ll say.” Fry agrees, obliviously. Katara looks down.

“My brother Sokka and I, we lost our mom during the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Fry says.

“Sometimes, my mom says she wishes I was dead.” Meg says cheerfully.

Fry and Katara stare at her silently for a minute.

“The nice thing about this house…” Katara says. “Is that no matter who we lost or what things are like outside, this is great chance to start over. Make new friends, maybe even find someone you cares about you.”

On the other side of the divider Herlock’s attention on the challenge is momentarily broken by a light sniffling to his right. He turns to find his only other teammate still in the challenge Princess Zelda. Tears welling up in her eyes as she watches the Ordinals.

“Are quite alright my dear?”

“Yes, fine.” She pleads, wiping her eyes. “The weather of this room is affecting me.”

“Ah…” Herlock says slowly. “If you’ve had enough my good lady, they’re no shame in bowing out.”

“What?” She looks surprised. “I couldn’t do that, our team, all their faith is in us. If I abandon you in your time of need…”

“Ha! That’s nothing for you to be concerned with!”

“But…”

“Have faith you’re highness I assure you everything is as it should be. With my genius intellect It’s mercilessly easy to follow the marvellously long-term Machiavellian maneuvering of our dear captain ever seen she left us! Ultimately it will all come down to me!”

“But I could be of assistant,”

“Assistant!? HA! Do you not trust the plans I’ve foreseen? Do you doubt the will of the captain!? Are you not loyal to the team!”

“I am!” Squeaked Zelda fretfully.

“Then go! Tend to yourself dear Princess! Leave me to my mission!”

“Thank you, detective,”

The Princess darted away nervously.

“They’re down to one guy!” Meg says excitedly.

Fry looks thoughtful.

“You girls want to go enjoy the spa for a while? I’ll take of this.”

“We didn’t get this far just to give up on you now.” Katara says with a little laugh.

“Ladies as your captain, I order you, leave this to me!” Fry declares pompously.

“We’re staying,” Katara says.

“Come on please!” Fry says dropping the formalities. “You guys have helped a lot but I can do this I know I can.”

The two girls’ glance at each other torn.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Probably.” Fry says. “Don’t worry about me. Go have fun.“

The girls hesitate for a moment, then turn towards the door. As they do Meg turns around.

“You’re a great captain Fry.”

…

Sometime later back at her chair at the staff pool Leela awakens from a nap feeling well rested.

“Lord I needed that.”

“No kidding,” Max says from the chair next to hers. “Little R&R after a long day of messing with those kids really does a Lagomorph good, I tell ya,”

Leela looks around, and blinks her single eye several times, the room’s much more crowded than it was when she fell asleep.

“How come everyone’s here? What happened to the challenge?”

“Came down to your idiot boyfriend and your idiot detective in the end,” Shego says.

“Of course,” Leela says rolling her eye. “Who won?”

“What do you mean won?”

…

“How’s he still doing it?” Penny asks incredulously.

“I believe the detective mentioned having exceptional constitution.” Elizabeth notes.

Both Herlock and Fry are in the same spot they’ve been sitting in the past six hours. Staring across the divider at each other silently. The rooms around them long devolved into wet, dark and miserable hellholes. Most of their teammates have returned to gawk in awe from the observation room.

“I thought he was just crazy.” Gary says.

“Straight up, you’ll call me a jerk for saying it but they’re both too stupid for this challenge,” Steve says. “We’re watching an unstoppable moron meet an unmovable dumbass.”

Some of the staff have made an in person appearance as well, equally mesmerized.

“They haven’t hit their buttons in ages.” Chef says. “We hit ‘em with a bunch more punishments but it did nothing.”

“These guys are tough!” Daisy says.

Jeremy gives a gurgling lament.

Elsewhere in the room. Bruce Wayne glances over at Leela. Their team captain looking nervous.

“Everything alright?”

“Who me?” She asks. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She’s not looking at Herlock, but past him at the other side of the divider.

“Worried your little boyfriend’s going to let himself die of exposure trying to prove a point?” Olivia asks.

“Of course not!” Leela says. “Fry’s not that stupid.”

She then reflects on the statement, then groans.

The Ordinals spirits are higher, a crowd of several of them have gathered.

“How you doing captain?” Wallace asks.

“Wet, tired and my nose itches again.” Fry reports without gusto.

“You can do this!” Katara insists.

“Yeah man! Win us the good cabin! You got this!” Miko cries. “Fry! Fry! Fry!”

The others join in the chant. Fry smiles feebly.

Across from him Herlock’s eyes narrow.

“Ms Tauranga I require your ear!” He proclaims suddenly.

“You better not be quitting!” Leela says.

“Answer me this do what lengths does your relationship extend with my opponent?”

Leela looks very taken aback.

“That’s none of your business.”

“I see. Tell me then for how long you’ve been in each others company?”

“Over ten years.”

“…and the man is obsessed with you would you say? Would do anything for your favour?”

“It can be a little annoying at times but yes.”

“Is that feeling that level of endearment mutual?”

“No! I mean… That’s um…”

Herlock sighs then rises to his feet.

“Damnation. Very well then. Stop the competition, for reasons outside of my control we have been bested.”

“WHAT!?” Cries Leela.

“You heard the man!” Chris shouts. Having materialized behind her. “Ordinals win immunity!”

The barrier disappears. Fry looks confused.

“What’s happening!? Did I win!?”

He doesn’t have much chance to get anything else in. Most of his team has just rushed back into the cell and have tackled him into a group embrace, all of them laughing and cheering despite the dirt and rain.

The Supertasks by very sharp contrast look immensely sour.

“What made you do it?” Sam asks Herlock.

“Yeah. What happened to the Machiavellian machinations you were all hot and bothered about earlier?” Max says. “You screw up and make a bad call or something?”

“Or course not my dear Lagomorph.” The detective says ringing out his soaked hunter’s cap. “The writing was on the wall. A lack of sufficient contexts made me overestimate our good captains’ willpower. Truth was it was already over before she left, Caesar had already crossed the Rubicon so to speak and all that was left to do was mourn the Republic.”

“How so?” Bruce asks.

“My enemy was a fool and adores our captain. However, our captain too is deeply infatuated with the man and love as they say my comrade makes fools of us all.

He would have stayed out there perhaps indefinably but her resolve to see him in harm’s way was far weaker. It was only a matter of time before our own captain would have ordered my withdrawal. A highly disagreeable scenario. The only play of action remaining to me to preserve my dignity was to forfeit myself.”

He smiles ruefully.

“It seems the reality of this place was out of sorts with my deduction. Beginner’s luck! I’ll be keeping a closer eye on you all from now on so that it may never happen again.”

“So now you think you’re allowed to be a creep as well?” Leela asks.

Her team member’s stare at her.

“What?” She asks defensively. “You heard the him. He admits it’s his fault we lost.”

“Actually, I think he’s suggesting that this is your fault.” Says Olivia smiling.

“Is not!” Leela cries.

“Well, it’s somebodies.” Chris says cheerfully. “Because I hate to break it to you guys, but you totally lost, which means you’ll be sleeping in your cabin tonight without any improvements.”

“We got that part, thanks man.” Steve says.

“There is a bright side though.” Chris says unhelpfully. “One of you won’t be around long enough to enjoy your cabin.” He laughs. “Supertasks I’ll see you tonight.”

He walks away leaving a palpable tension in the air.

“Great. Why’d you have to leave us captain?” Penny asks.

“You’re the one with the magic crayon, why’d you leave?”  Leela counters.

The team seems to be on the verge of an argument. Tenpenny interjects.

“Alright now. Settle your asses down. It’s abundantly clear that some people fucked us over today. Someone who said one thing then went back on it. However, I’m sure if they own up to their shit and apologize or some bullshit they might be given a second chance.”

“Thank you Tenpenny.” Leela says. “Herlock you heard the man.”

The others give her a dark look.

…

The warm cozy sitting room eliminations are held in feels all the more spacious now that they’re half the people in it as they was yesterday.

The Supertasks sit in their arm chairs by the fire, waiting.

Chris Mclean enters the room with the other staff. Theirs a predatory look in his dark eyes as he sets his sight on the contestants.

“Supertasks…” He begins.

“You dudes have the dubious honour of first team elimination ceremony. Unlike yesterday no one among you is immunity. The results were very interesting I must say.”

“How so?” Entrapta asks.

Chris grins smugly.

“I could elaborate, but I’d much rather show you…”

Peach appears with a tray of cookies, she hands them to Chris.

“When I call your name and throw you a cookie it means your safe. The houseguest that does not receive a cookie must leave the Rodney House immediately, and not come back.

The following people are safe.”

He begins to hand out baked goods.

“Penny…

Tenpenny…

Sam & Max…

Olivia…

Zelda…

Elizabeth…

Bruce…

Steve…

Gary…”

Each of them receives their treat.

Chris casts his gaze on the two contestants yet to receive anything.

“So. The two people with the most votes are the person that lasted the longest in the day’s challenge, and the Team Captain. Like I said, very interesting.

Herlock! You’re here because you decided to up and quit abruptly after like eleven hours. Thereby wasting everyone’s time. Leela! You’re here because according to Herlock, you were the one that made the team destine to lose. Mostly by not being a great captain.”

Leela rolls her singular eye.

Chris raises a finger dramatically.

“Person going home is…

…

…

…

…

“Leela!”

“NO!!” Leela cries. “That can’t be right!” She turns to her team dejectedly. “I was really that bad?”

“It hurts but it’s the truth.” Max says matter of factly.

Leela gapes at them in horror.

“I can’t believe it… Someone must have rigged the vote… I… I refuse to leave!”

“Princess I think we need you subjects again.” Chris says pleasantly.

“Very well.” Peach says.

She whistles. Two dozen toads emerge. The sweep Leela off her feet and begin carrying her towards the EXIT door.

“Wait!” She says desperately. “Can’t I say goodbye to Fry?”

“Let me think about it…” Chris says.

The toads hoist Leela up and toss her out the door. Chris shrugs.

“…Oh well. Too late.”

Above them the light on Leela’s portrait goes dark. Chris chuckles stratified then turned to the audience.

“And that…”

…

Back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him.  He presses mute and turns to the audience.

“…And that is where we leave off for today.” He chuckles. “Also yes, I’m still stealing the outros and will continue doing so untilled I’m physically stopped.

However while our cozy time together here is still free of McLean’s influence he’s won himself an tactical win today on the battle to control the challenges. Though admittedly I and everyone else on the staff are more willing to entertain his ideas when they don’t involve killer sea life. As far as Chris standards go today was relatively sane. If things keep up this way maybe we won’t have a problem. However knowing him I doubt it.

Anyway join us again next time to find out what Me, that old bastard Mclean, his two new virgin teams and the rest of us get up to, right here on Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter Text

Chris swivels around in his chair at Rodney's Study.

"Last time...On Total Drama Homespun!" He announced. "Our twenty-two contestants split themselves into teams to face off head to head in their first-time challenge. In was a war between the lover's, pitting 20th century boyfriend Fry's Outlandish Ordinals up against his 31st century girl Leela and her Seismic Supertasks. Surprising everyone, Fry's team took the lead, and even more shocking, Leela's gang took their anger out on their captain. Leela getting eliminated by the team she only just picked out.
Where will the Supertasks go without her, and how will Fry take this? Let's find out, right now!"

...

In the Main Lodge of a summer camp, on an island, in a room, in a house owned by a squirrel, perch on an asteroid, in the void of space, in a tiny starless universe… the newest cast of Total Drama have gathered for breakfast.

Chef Hatchet sits behind the counter, loading both teams’ trays with some rather poor excuses for meals.

“I’ve had school lunches better than this!” Penny exclaims.

“My slop’s kept fifty of the fifty-one batches of contestants from dying over the course of this crummy show,” Chef says with some pride.

“What happened the other season?” Wallace asks.

“Other season was Endless, and I was in charge,” Conner says appearing behind Chef sporting an apron and hairnet. “My crew had five-star breakfasts curiosity of Jeremy every day they were on my ship. He offered to cook for you again, but I guess McLean and Hatchet here prefer tradition.”

The contestants protest loudly. Chef glares at Conner who grins.

In a quiet corner of the room, sits Miss Elizabeth Bennet, currently regarding Chef’s cuisine with some caution.

“What a crock pot of shit my night was,” Gary complains, sitting down next to her. “Those crap cabin beds are like sleeping on a thousand splinters.”

“…I found them agreeable,” Elizabeth says reservedly.

“Gary!”

Steve Harrington has appeared, frowning.

“Watch the goddamn language around the classy lady.” He glances at Elizabeth. “This guy’s not bugging you is he?”

“Worried I’m going to shatter her dainty little worldview?” Gary challenges. “I got news for you princess, you probably figured it out by now, but the future’s a hellhole and this little contest of ours is filled to the brim with the cream de la cream of its shittiest rejects.

“Hey! What I’d just say? Look? It’s Elizabeth, right? Don’t listen to this asshole, there’s some nice people here. Take me.” Steve puts a hand over his chest. “I mean I’m nice at least, nicer than Gary at least,”

“From my perspective, you’ve both very similar constitutions,” Elizabeth says.

“Five-minute warning!” Conner calls from the kitchen. “Challenge in five minutes! Put down whatever garbage Chef gave you and get ready for showtime!”

Elizabeth rises to her feet and leaves. Steve watches her go horrified. Gary laughs.

“The hell is she talking about?” Steve demands to no one in particular.

“Getting compared to me. Can’t say I think you’ve earned the compliment Harrington.”

“It’s The Harrington.” Steve corrects. “And with all due respect, back home I am way cooler than you.”

“Correction, you think you’re cooler than me, not that it matters because you’re not in your little Midwest town anymore Harrington. Here, you’re no one, and if you want to be someone, you’re going to have to work on that fast, friend.”

…

The contestants file out of their cabin.

Chris is standing at the foot of their cabins. The host today is wearing a grey hoodie, shorts, a blue baseball cap, sneakers, and a whistle around his neck. Behind him stand Peach and Daisy, both wearing T-shirts and shorts. To his side are Rodney and Conner, dressed as they always are.

“Would anyone like to guess what we're doing today?”

“Something like sports related?” Steve asks.

Chris blows his whistle and points at him.

“Steve wins our first points of the day!”

“Really?”

“No!” Chris says. “But you guess was right! Sports challenges are a time-honoured tradition of Total Drama, and Conner tells me that a lot of multidimensional seasons like to kick things off with a nice battle tournament early in the game. Today we’ll be drawing from both by having your very own boxing match!”

“You want us to fight each other?” Bruce asks casting a glance over at Vultureman and Alucard from the other team. Alucard grins at him.

“Do I want you to do? Totally! But unfortunately, the producers called and suggested that after getting a kid high on hallucinogens we cool in with a child endangerment a little.”

“God forbid,” Conner says.

“Way to spoil to party,” Max says to Jack.

“It wasn’t my fault!” The boy protests.

“Don’t worry!” Chris assures them. “Even if I didn’t get the exact challenge I wanted I still took it upon myself to program everything else personally, being there’ll be no more candy piranha incidents around here.”

“AWK! Who will be our sparing partners then?” Vultureman demands.

“That’s getting ahead of things,” Chris says. “First you guys are gonna have to get in shape. We’ll have two training rounds. Each with half the team participating. The two people from each team that do the best in training will be the boxers. Ordinals! Since you’ve got one player extra you can have someone sit out today.”

“Fry should sit out if he wants to,” Katara suggests. “I think he’s earned a day off after yesterday.”

Most of her teammates agree. Fry shrugs.

“I don’t mind sitting out. I can spend my time talking with Leela. Hey, where is she anyway?”

Bruce Wayne grimaces. “This is a little awkward. But she’s gone.”

“That’s alright I’ll wait for her to come back.”

“I mean she was voted out. I’m sorry.” Bruce clarifies.

“Oh,” Fry says.

He stands there placidly for a moment. Then his eyes widen with horror.

“WHAT!!?”

He lunges at Bruce, clinging to his collar.

“HOW COULD YOU GET RID OF LEELA!!? SHE’S LEELA!!”

“With all due respect, have you ever considered that your little girlfriend’s just slightly insufferable to be around?” Olivia asks sweetly.

“SHE’S NOT INSUFFERABLE! YOU ONLY KNEW HER FOR A DAY!!” Fry anguishes. “THAT’S AN INCREDIBLY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME TO TRY AND GRASP THE FULL CONTEXT OF SOMEONE’S CHARACTER!!” 

He begins weeping into Bruce’s chest. Bruce glances around.

“…Could someone get him off me?”

Peach nudges Fry off Bruce gently and lets him cry on her shoulder.

“There. There. You’ll see your special one again before you know it.”

Fry cries harder. Peach looks up at Chris.

“He’ll be fine. He just needs some time.”

“Let him take all the time he needs. This is hilarious.” Chris chuckles. He turns back to the others. “As for all you houseguests not suffering from a broken heart. Follow me.”

…

They’re led into another room. One with a dense red fog as thick as soup obscuring everything beyond ten metres. Strangely what looks to be manatees are swimming through the air, beneath them on the ground is a feast to make the halls of Valhalla envious. A long table stretched into the horizon on both ends, completely filled with a sampling of every sort of food imaginable.

“First thing about athletes is they need to eat,” Chris says. “Protein, carbs, vitamins, they’re all important for staying in peak shape. In this feast before me are two keys, one with each team’s name on them. You’re going to have to find them by sorting through the food, and by sorting I mean eating. Oh, and your hands will be tied behind your back because most of the fun of this show is watching people make a fool of themselves on TV. Any questions Houseguests?”

“Yeah, I’ve got one,” Wallace says swivelling a cosmopolitan he seemingly always has with him. “What’s with the manatees?”

“I... uh… good question,” Chris says. He turns to Rodney. “Why are there manatees in my feasting hall?”

Rodney chortles. “You didn’t request a feasting hall, Christopher. You said you wanted me to generate a feast.”

“Okay…” Chris says slowly. “So, what’s with the manatees?”

“Rodney House 101 McLean. You got to be specific.” Conner tells him.

“My algorithms tend to be inventive when they’re allowed to fill in the blanks on their own,” Rodney says.

“Please tell me you were just as vague with the other rooms?” Conner asks gleefully. Chris’s eyes narrow.

“I don’t have to answer that.”

Conner laughs mercilessly.

“You stupid, stupid Idiot.”

He sighs and wipes a tear from his eye.

“Suddenly I’m really excited about today.”

“Entrapta, Miko, Meg, Guzma, and Wallace you’re eating for the Ordinals,” Chris says ignoring Conner. “Steve, Bruce, Zelda, Penny and Sam or Max, you’re the Supertasks eaters.”

“That’ll be you, little guy,” Sam says to Max. “I don’t want to get any sauce on my best suit.”

“Fine by me, I’ve been starved all morning,” Max says.

“You didn’t have breakfast?” His friend asks.

“Gee, I tried to Sam. But it grew a pair of legs and walked off my plate.”

“Can I do the other challenge?” Entrapta asks raising a hand, or rather a pigtail. “I only eat tiny food.”

“Let me think about it,” Chris says. “Nope!”

“Pretty please?”

“Oh of course you can,” Rodney says.

“Dude!” Chris says.

“I can say no to a fellow inventor.” Rodney pleads. “We had such a lovely conversation yesterday while she was visiting the staff chamber.”

“Fine,” Chris says. “Shego. Take her place,”

The contestants take their places. Chris blows his whistle and they’re off.

The Ordinals take to the feast ravenously. Miko actually lunging onto the table to reach some of the food furthest from the edge.

“Hey, Martini glass! Pick up the pace!” Shego calls to Wallace, who’s lagging behind his other teammates.

“I don’t know when they’re going to give us edible food again,” Wallace says between mouthfuls of the garlic bread he’s been sampling. “I’m gonna enjoy this.”

Meanwhile, the Supertasks are making respectable progress. Zelda is doing quite poorly, Bruce is seemingly a little hesitant but Steve devours everything before him shamelessly. Max barely seems to be chewing. Food disappearing down his wide mouth as if it were a black hole. Then there’s Penny.

“Sweetie, may I ask exactly what you’re doing?” Tenpenny asks her coldly. The girl’s leaned back in her seat with a look of satisfaction.

“Just done a bit of backhanded drawing I have.” She quips showing Tenpenny the crayon grasped in her bound hands.

Tenpenny looks over to see five lopsided obese male figures devouring their way through the feast.

“Came out a bit wonky because of the hand ties but I still think they’re doing a bang-up job don’t you agree Dennis? I mean Officer?”

Tenpenny seems confused. “You drew fat white guys?”

“Not quite,” Penny says. “I figured I ought to draw the most gluttonous creatures I could picture, Americans!”

“BASEBALL! APPLE PIE! UNCLE SAM!” Gurgle the creatures.

Penny laughs loudly. Tenpenny gives her a deeply unamused look.

Across the table, Guzma glances up at both of them indignantly. “Hey! Why is she allowed to do that?”

“Chris never said I couldn’t he didn’t.” Penny protests.

“That doesn’t always mean such things are allowed.” Alucard purred from the back. He strolls over to Chris.

“Care to tell us what the rules are today Christopher?”

“Powers are fine today dude,” Chris says looking into the vampire’s red eyes with only the slightest touch of apprehension.

“In that case, someone grab me one of Pokeballs,” Guzma says. “My Toxicroak normally has a good appetite.”

Jack reaches into Guzma’s pockets and with some instruction from the trainer releases the monster within. A large bipedal turquoise amphibian appears in a burst of light and at the command of Its master begins to devour everything before it. Miko jerks her head up from the bowl of potato chips she had it buried in.

“Wait, wait, wait whoa! We can use summons?”

“I’m surprised more people don’t,” Guzma says. “Pokémon are everywhere back in the Alola Region, and everyone follows the battles. Now I’m the only one here who’s ever heard of them. You have any idea how strange that is?”

“Well heck! I’ve got something like that!” 

She runs off excitedly.

A moment later Steve slams his hand down triumphantly. Key clenched in his fist.

“GOT IT!”

“Steve wins for the Supertasks!” Chris declares.

Steve cheers.

Max looks over in disbelief, the rabbit’s stomach having visibly extended from the seemingly impossible amount of food he managed to get down.

“No kidding. How’d you ever get it before I did?”

“Like Chris said. I focused on the healthy stuff, carbs and vitamin and that crap.” Steve says. “As in like the stuff athletes actually eat.”

“Well, there’s my problem. My area of expertise is junk food.”

He belches loudly.

“I think that’s your problem in more ways than one Max.” Sam notes.

“I’d said it’s more Future Max’s problem.” Max insists.

The door to the room opens and in rides Miko on the back of a large red and yellow ostrich-like bird.

“Boom! Summon!” She declares.

Guzma gives her a look of mild surprise.

“Is that a Pokémon?”

“Assuming you ask exactly zero follow-up questions then yes! Totally is!”

Miko hops off its back and nuzzles the bird affectionally.

“Like her? Her name’s Ally.”

“What Pokémon type is that thing?” Guzma asks.

“What did I just say about follow-ups dude!?”

Guzma gives her a weird look.

“I can’t tell if you’re intentionally mocking me. But it doesn’t matter. Toxicroak is trained far better than your Ally.”

“Wanna bet?” Miko challenges him.

Guzma merely smirks and jerks his head upwards. Miko looks up and gasps.

Her pet has somehow managed to climb atop one of the floating manatees.

“Ally! Get down from there!”

The bird warbles some opaque response and begins pecking at the algae on the manatee’s back.

Then she makes a gesture that confuses some of the others, pressing a finger onto her wrist as if she was expecting some kind of screen to be there, then pauses, seemingly reevaluates, and looks around.

“Uh… Vultureman? Can you do me a solid?”

“I REFUSE TO HELP YOU REENSLAVE THAT FELLOW AVIAN!” Vultureman squawks indignantly. “SHE HAS EARNED HER FREEDOM!”

Miko pouts and flashes him the Bambi eyes.

After a few moments of resistance Vultureman caws in disgust and brings her her pet.

Miko laughs.

“Knew even you couldn’t resist the eyes you big softie.”

Vultureman screeches at her. Her only response is to give him a friendly nudge on the shoulder. That seems to confuse the bird monster.

Miko turns back to the feast. “Now Ally! Go-“

“No need.” Guzma interrupts her. He has the key in his hands. “Toxicroak found the key two minutes ago.”

Miko looks utterly shocked.

“Dude! How!?”

Guzma jerks his head towards Steve. “That boy on the other team told everyone the trick when he won.”

Miko seems stammers flustered.

“Yeah… but… I was out…”

“Then next time don’t leave. Be more prepared.”

…

Chris leads them down another hallway. Hallways in the Rodney House seem to take as much delight in being odd as the rest of the house does. Currently, this one seems to be an enclosed, damp and impoverished alleyway devoid of all-natural light with a mid-twentieth century Cantonese esthetic, right down to the seemingly normal children gawking at them from the doorframes.

“Hey, Squirrel I thought you said your home didn’t have people in it? What gives?” Shego asks.

Rodney chuckles.

“It doesn’t. But it’s more than capable of creating life-like machines to fill the void.”

A child runs up to Shego and smiles at her. With a burst of energy from her fist she causally blows its head off, revealing circuitry and metal beneath its lifelike exterior.

“Huh. Look at that. They are robots.”

She’s suddenly aware of her team, most of whom are staring at her horrified.

“What?”

One of the backdoors leading into the ally opens and out steps Peach and Fry. The Ordinals Captain still with his head hung low, though he’s no longer crying.

“Is he better?” Zelda asks. Peach nods happily.

“Yes, we’ve had a nice talk the two of us and I think he’s come around. He’ll be fine tomorrow he just needs today to work through his emotions.”

Zelda smiles at her. They hadn’t interacted much since the first that but for whatever reason she had at once liked the other princess.

“I suppose it’s good at least one team should have a captain. Perhaps we would still have one if I hadn’t abandoned the detective.” She sighs disheartened. “I believe I’m rather in over my head with this game.”

Peach gives a little musical laugh.

“Oh, you’re doing fine. I felt the same way at times during Endless. This adventure will come to you in time. Until then, I’m always here to talk to.”

Zelda gives her a wounded smile. “Thank you, Princess.”

Peach beams at her and makes to curtsey, finding she is unable to because of her T-shirt and shorts. She flashes Zelda an unapologetic look then went to rejoin Chris who had just turned around to address them.

“Being a boxer or any kind of athlete takes more than a balanced diet, it also takes a little physical strength. So, for your next training challenge, you will be running a race while carrying something heavy.”

“Carrying what persay?” Elizabeth asks.

“Yeah Chris, tell us about it?” Conner asks keenly. Chris hesitates.

“Uhhhh… stuff?”

They reach the end of the hallway and open the door.

They’ve entered into a basaltic valley, black with ash and rimmed with smouldering volcanos. There next to them is a giant nest of what looks like-

“Emu eggs?” Chris asks.

He clears his throat.

“I mean Emu Eggs!” He repeats. “Teams we’ll race each other carrying the eggs up to the slope of the nearest volcano, into what will hopefully be a lake of molten lava!”

“What’s this obsession you have with lava?” Conner asks.

“Makes challenges more interesting dude,” Chris says. “Oh and if anyone breaks their egg beforehand they’re disqualified.”

“They better not be real eggs!” Vultureman threatens. “I will not stand by and watch my unborn brethren die for your worthless games!”

“Don’t worry, they’re unfertilized,” Christ says. “…Probably.”

Conner thinks for a moment.

“This actually a decent challenge.” He says. “Looks like you got lucky with the algorithm McLean.”

“Uh yeah. I’ve been hosting this show for fifty years, dude, I know what I’m doing.”

Chris bends down and whispers to Rodney.

“…But maybe someone should check on the boxing room just to be safe.”

Rodney nods and scurries off.

Chris straightens back up.

“Ordinals are up first! Vultureman, Alucard, Shego, Entrapta and Jack! Time to show us what you’re made of!”

“This should be quick.” Shego snarks.

“Why?” Meg asks.

The contestants grab their eggs (Vultureman cradling his particularly protectively.) and take their places.

“GO!” Chris cries.

Vultureman soars away, Jack takes off after him. Entrapta and Shego stay firmly put. Jack looks over his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

Chris blows his whistle.

“Alucard wins for the Ordinals!”

“Oh right,” Jack says.

Shego gives him a look. “Yeah. Drac’s fast. Remember?”

“The Great and All-Powerful Vultureman is relieved that this is over with.”

His egg slips from his slender fingers and plummets to the ground, where it splits open. There’s a seemingly very real and very dead emu chick inside.

Vultureman stares at it in horror then screeches to the heavens.

“AAWK!”

“Oh god, that thing’s going crazy again,” Gary says in a sudden panic.

Chris blows his whistle.

“Bird patrol!”

Rosalina enters the room, wand in hand. She floats over to Vultureman and taps him on the beak.

“Sleep.”

Vultureman’s pupils go wide, then suddenly he stops screaming and collapses to the ground, fast asleep.

“Thanks, Rosie!” Daisy calls.

“My pleasure.” Her goddess friend says politely.

Then quietly as she came, she grabs Vultureman by the foot and drags him out of the room.

Max meanwhile walks up to the broken egg. He dips his finger in the goo and sucks it.

“Well, how ‘bout that? It’s not real. It’s marshmallow cream.”

He begins shovelling handfuls of it into his mouth. His friend Sam watching in disbelief.

“How could you possibly still be hungry?”

“Supertask! You’re up!” Chris says. “Can I get Tenpenny, Elizabeth, Herlock, Gary, and Olivia in position? Time to find out who’s joining Steve in the final round.”

“Come on guys. Show us you’re A-game out there.” Steve calls. “We need two strong people if we want to win an actual bedroom.”

“We’re on the same page, Harrington.” Says Tenpenny.

“Actually, it’s The Harrington piggy, and he was talking to me,” Gary says.

Both Steve and Tenpenny give him a warning look.

“Racers ready!” Chris shouts. “GO!”

This time all five competitors take off running, Without hesitation. All of them surprisingly quick. Tenpenny in particular seems to be giving the ladies an impressed look.

“God damn, since when have you people been so fast?”

“You’d be amazed what a healthy diet and regular yoga can do for you,” Olivia says in front of him.

“When the carriage isn’t available sometimes all one has for transportation is her feet,” Elizabeth says behind him.

Gary’s fast gaining on Elizabeth, the schoolboy sneers at her.

“Well that’s nice but you’re not at one of your garden tea parties lady so move your pompous ass out of my way.”

He forcefully shoves her aside and overtakes her laughing and expecting to not see her again. However, a minute later he looks over his shoulder and finds her right behind him, moving much faster than before. His boorishness having awoken some true competitiveness from beneath her deeply imbued Regency manners. Not that Gary’s intimidated.

Tenpenny whistles impressed.

“Please let one of them win instead of Smith,” Steve says from the sideline.

As Gary runs the boy shifts his egg into one hand and bends down to grab a fistful of black dirt with the other. He wipes around and flings the dirt straight between her eyes. Elizabeth gasps and collapses, dropping her egg. Gary laughs.

“That’s for making English class so boring!”

Tenpenny seems less assumed.

“Hey, grade school! You want to try and not potentially cripple your fellow teammates!?”

Gary shrugs playfully. “This is competition pal, can’t help it if I’m competitive.”

Steve rushes over to Elizabeth, helping her up forcefully.

“You okay? Let me help you!”

He begins dusting her off. Elizabeth watching him confused.

“In my time a man is rather less forward when touching a woman.” She says. “It seems they hold different opinions in the 20^th century.”

Steve takes his hands off her awkwardly.

“Yeah… I was just trying…”

Gary meanwhile has made it to the top, he drops his intact egg into the crater. Then with a smug look, cups his ear to air and listens for the sound of Chris’s whistle.

“Gary wins the second challenge!”

“Ah, music to my ear.” Gary purrs.

He walks back down the mountain. The rest of the Supertasks are waiting for him, few look happy.

“Well Harrington, looks like we’ll be facing off in the finals,” Gary says.

“No offense but it might have been nice to have some more diversity between our boxers,” Bruce says. “…Considering one of the people we’re going up against on the other team is a vampire.”

“Yeah, it might have been nice if my teammate wasn’t a real dick munch,” Steve says.

Gary shrugs. “I agree but unfortunately I’m stuck with you.”

Most of them shoot him a dark look.

…

The final room is unsuspectingly exactly what the contests would suspect, a large boxing ring surrounded by bleachers filled with Toads. A large jumbotron hangs over the ring.

“Here we are at the title fight!” Chris announces. “Can I get our four sports stars to step right up!”

Steve, Guzma, Gary and Alucard step forward. All except Alucard (Who’s wearing his usual blazer) have changed into boxing shorts. Chris hands them each a pair of boxing gloves.

“Guess I won’t be able to use my Pokémon,” Guzma says.

“Nope!” Chris says cheerfully. “Got a problem with that Guzma? Want to tap out prematurely?”

Guzma smirks. “…And let my team down? Never.”

“That’s what I like to hear! Now for those not in the know the rules are simple.”

“Queensbury Rules?” Herlock inquires.

Chris nods. “For the most part. I want a good clean fight out there, gloves stay on, no cheating, no below-the-belt! The four of you are going to take turns facing wave after wave of robotic mystery opponents. You get knocked out, you’re eliminated. Challenge is over when one team loses both members, or a team gets ten points. Sound good?”

“Say no more McLean. I’m ready to unleash my pent-up rage and make Steve look bad while doing so.” Gary boasts. He winks to Elizabeth. “…Or worse than he already looks.”

Both Elizabeth and Steve glare at him

“What is the mystery identity of our autonomous foes?” Alucard asks.

Rodney comes strolling into the ring. He hands a note to Chris.

“Your robot boxing opponents will that the forms of…”

Chris stares at the note.

“…Movie and television characters played by Hollywood actor Tom Hanks…”

He considers it, then shrugs.

“Okay then. Guess it’ll be up to lawyers to clear that.”

Everyone takes their place. Chris and Rodney migrate to the judges' stand with the other staff and the contestants not competing file into the bleachers. Chris flips through another set of notes.

“Round One is Steve versus Joe Fox. The heir to a large bookstore conglomerate and romantic lead from 1998’s You’ve Got Mail!”

A slot opens in the ring and a figure rises from it. A middle-aged man with a rectangular face and dark hair with a high hairline. He’s dressed in nineties upper-class New Yorker winter garb, A dull-coloured jacket tie and scarf.

He approaches Steve looking oddly out of place wearing boxing gloves.

“Beep boop! I’d like to buy your bookstore!”

“I don’t have a bookstore dude.” Steve counters.

“I’m willing to make an offer for more than it’s worth.” The Robot Yuppie replies. “Let’s talk about it online.”

Steve raises his own fists.

“Yeah, whatever. Talk with your fists future movie man!”

He takes the first strike against his foe. The robot dodges then sends a fist squarely into his jaw.

Gary laughs, some of the other Supertasks wince. Steve staggers backwards.

“Allow me to follow through on my offer.” The machine declares.

It jogs towards Steve. Steve, however, already recovered from the first blow counters, once, twice, several times. Boxing his opponent's head without giving it the slightest of openings. After one triumphant blow, Joe Fox’s head flies straight off his body. A coiled string sticking out of his neck like he was some broken bobblehead.

The headless body falls to the mat. Chef Hatchet comes running up in referee uniform and counts down rapidly.

“One, two, three, the rest of ‘em, ten! Steve wins!”

Chef throws down the towel. Steve cheers as do Herlock, and Penny. The rest of the supertasks clap modestly.

The several head of robot Joe lands his arms.

“Key kid.” It whispers.

“Uh yeah…?”

The robot winks at him.

“Tom thanks.”

It and the rest of the robot crumble to dust. Steve stands there blinking.

“…Cool dude.”

He recomposes himself and walks out of the ring.

“Are you hurt?” Asks Zelda. Steve gives her a smile.

“Never better. I could box like… dunno ten of those things.”

Gary puts his arm around Zelda. The girl bristles noticeably.

“In case you haven’t noticed lady The Harrington’s the most brutal thug around.”

“Don’t involve me with your quarrels,” Zelda says flatly, withdrawing from the boy.

“Next up is Alucard!” Chris declares. “His opponent will be…”

A much younger-looking version of the same man appears in a sprinting white tuxedo and a face full of boyish glee.

“It’s Josh Haskins the preteen body in an adult’s body from 1988’s Big!”

“Beep boop! After this, you want to go back to my place and jump on my trampoline!?” Josh asks excitedly.

Alucard grins.

“This hardly makes for a challenge.”

“Then let’s make things interesting,” Chris says. “If you break that robot you don’t get a point.”

“Easy.” Alucard insists.

Chef rings the bell.

With one near-instant movement, Alucard puts his fist clean through the machine’s chest.

His team winces. The robot spasms mechanically and gurgles. Then winks at Alucard

“Erg… Tom thanks.”

Josh Haskins collapses into a pile of dust.

“Alright. What was that!?” Shego demands.

Alucard regards his hand with a detached look. “Holding back isn’t my style. I suppose it’ll take some getting used to. May I have a new glove?” He holds his boxing glove up, the force of his punch having ruptured it.

“Next up Gary.”

“Thank god I nearly fell asleep waiting.”

Gary climbs into the ring confidently. His opponent, one Captain Philips from the 2013 biopic of the same name puts up an impressive fight but Gary’s vicious with his attacks. After a few minutes, he has the machine on the mat.

“Say it again. Who’s the captain?”

“Beep boop! You’re the captain now.” The robot wheezes.

“…and what do you say to that?”

The Robot’s expression turns placid. He smiles up at Gary and winks at him.

“Tom thanks.”

The robot disintegrates. Chef throws in the towel.

“Gary wins! Two points to the Supertasks.”

Some of the team claps half-heartedly. Gary bows dramatically, his ego swelling.

“I’m almost impressed. That’s actually pretty tough if you’re not a big brute like the famous Harrington is.”

Guzma leans over to Steve. “Let me guess? He’s your rival?”

“He’s trying to make me look bad in front of a girl.”

“That explains it.”

“Next up! Guzma!” Chris calls.

Guzma nods, then smiles.

“Wish me luck.”

“I would but you’re on the other team, so no offence but I hope the robot kicks your ass.”

Guzma’s opponent, Joe Banks from 1990’s Joe versus the Volcano appears as a man with hibiscus leis draped around his neck and steel in his eyes.

Guzma sneers.

“This is the best you’ve got? He looks like one of the tourists you get back in the Alola Region.”

“Beep boop! I warn you I’ve got nothing to lose!” Promises the machine. “I’m dying of a rare disease! So there’s nothing holding me back.”

“Think you can beat this guy without your little pocket pals?” Miko asks. “Or are you gonna let him get the best of you?”

“…and let my team down? Never!” Guzma insists. “Time to show this guy how we do things back on the islands!”

Guzma boxes almost as brutally as Gary does, but the machine as promised doesn’t go down without a fight. He withstands most of his thunderous blows and hits back nearly just as hard. By the time he has his opponent on the ground Guzma’s glistening with sweat.

“…Nine! Ten! Guzma wins!”

Guzma raises his hands in the air victorious. The Ordinals cheer.

Joe Banks gets back up at offers Guzma his hand.

“Tom thanks.”

“Uh… You’re welcome.”

Soon as he shakes it the robot disintegrates.

“Wait…” Chris says. He turns to Rodney. “Did the house mess with my boxing challenge just so it could make a lame pun.”

“My house works in mysterious ways,” Rodney says.

Chris gives him a dark look, then glares at Conner beside him.

“And, probably find this funny don’t you?”

“Why would you say that?”

Conner seems to be holding in a laugh. Chris gives him a deadpan look.

“No reasons… Now! On to round two!”

Round two is a lot like the first.

Steve bashes Sam Baldwin from Sleepless in Seattle.

“Tom thanks.”

Alucard accidentally decapitates Jimmy Dugan from A League of Their Own.

“Tom thanks.”

Gary and Guzma proclaim victory over Viktor Navorski from The Terminal and Walt Disney from Saving Mr Banks respectively. Then Round Three opens with Steve cracking the code to cracking Professor Robert Langdon’s robotic head.

Three more winks.

Three more…

“Tom thanks.”

“Tom thanks.”

“Tom thanks.”

Then it’s Alucard's turn again.

“Okay, Alucard,” Katara says slowly. The vampire’s opponent already looks frail, Andrew Beckett from 1993’s Philadelphia. “We really need some points so if you could gently take care of this one.”

“I’ve been as gentle as a true vampire can be,” Alucard responds.

“Then like maybe try and act like you did when you were human?” Miko says.

Alucard reaches out and crushes the robot’s face in his hand.

“DUDE!” Miko cries.

“I don’t like thinking about my human life,” Alucard informs her.

He lets the robot go. It falls to the floor, exposed wires sparking. It attempts to speak, then failing to do so pulls a pencil and scrap of paper out from its pocket, jolts something down quickly and hands it to the vampire. He promptly hands it to Shego who sighs.

“What’s it say?” Miko asks.

“Guess,” Shego says handing it to her.

Scrawled in hastily written pencil marks if of course…

“Tom thanks.”

One of the robot’s eyes which had rolled loose from its skull winks at them and disintegrates. 

…

A round and a half later and things have progressed more or less the same.

After four completed rounds Guzma, Gary and Steve had yet to lose a fight and Alucard has yet to learn how to not instantly eviscerate his opponents with his ungodly overpowered vampiric strength. Because of that minor inconvenience the Supertasks have eight points to the Ordinals four and should things go well next round will be victorious, something they’re cautiously optimistic about. The only potently road bump on their path to victory is the fact that all three human boxers are after four matches each truly starting to show their fatigue.

“Guy’s really putting himself through the ringer.” Bruce comments, watching from the sideline as Steve trades blows with his fifth robot, Allen Bauer from 1984’s Splash. “I’d almost like to see him the drop out and get some rest.”

“You saying you don’t want to sleep in that rich cabin tonight Wayne?” Tenpenny asks.

Bruce reflects on this.

“Atta boy Steve! You got him on the ropes champ!” Bruce calls bracingly.

Steve takes a final climatic swing and Allen walks before him. Chef counts the machine out and Steve beats his bare chest like a gorilla and lets out a cry of triumph.

“YES! MADE IT!”

Allen gets his obligatory ‘Tom thanks’ out of the way the ring is cleared for Alucard.

“Alucard Please,” Katara says slowly. “We need to win this, can you be careful?”

Alucard’s lip twitches.

“Is that an order?”

Katara’s thrown off a moment.

“I guess it is if you want-“

“Because I only take orders from my master, and she isn’t some self-aggrandizing big-mouthed child who thinks she’s much nobler than she really is.”

Katara stutters like a car that won’t start then goes red behind the ears. Alucard laughs.

“Besides. As it turns out that’s a more difficult task than it seems.”  He insists. “Especially when I seem to be receiving unusually weak opponents.” He turns to give Chris a look. Not so much a dirty look, his face rarely deviates from a ghoulish grin, most of the emotion (if any) kept behind it is subdermal.

Chris merely shrugs.

“No idea what you’re talking about. Now on to your next challenger…”

Rising into to ring is a tiny child’s cowboy doll made of cloth and plastic.

“It’s Woody from Toy Story!”

“Beep Boop! You’re my favourite deputy!” Comes the sound of the doll’s voice box.

Alucard turns slowly back to Chris.

“You’re mocking me? Aren’t you?”

Chris doesn’t have much of a chance to reply. No sooner those Alucard ask the question does the cowboy doll hurl itself at his face. Alucard cries out in alarm, the suddenness of it all finally having cut through his serene sense of superiority.

“SOMEBODY’S POSIONED THE WATERHOLE!” The sheriff cries. Sending two tiny gloved hands into Alucard’s eyes then leaping from his face. Alucard gasps in pain and flails after the toy. The Ordinals watch on as the fight quickly spirals into what is (Oddly enough) the first real struggle their most powerful teammate has faced.

While that bewildering display plays out some of the Supertasks still have their attention on Steve. The teens radiate heat so overworked is his body. He lays on the bleachers panting, desperately taking a bottle of water offered to him by Princess Daisy and downing it in one go. All the while he beams, an immense look of pride on his face.

“Nice work out there today The Harrington,” Tenpenny says approvingly. “I can taste a decent bed already.”

“You’ve been brilliant. Good on you!” Penny says.

“You must be exhausted,” Bruce says.

Steve gives him a feeble grin.

“Who me? Nah man I’m great! I slept terribly last night, ate so much I want to puke then played sock’em bop’em robots five times in a row.”

He sighs happily.

“But I made it man. I’m doing this for the team, happy to do it for the team.” He locks eyes with Elizabeth. "Proves I’m a good guy right?”

Elizabeth gives him a confused look.

“Easy Harrington…” Gary taunts. “You keep jerking yourself off like that you’ll exhaust your body. Then I’ll just have to win this thing for us.”

“Gary I would be real freakin’ excited if you won.” Steve sighs.

Gary folds his arms.

“That so Harrington? You’d take pleasure in me stealing your perfect victory.”

Steve gives him an exhausted look.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but we’re on the same team.” He says plainly. “Like… we share victories and all that shit. I currently and for the foreseeable future wish you all the best in everything you do, providing it’s not trying to vote me out.”

Gary scoffs.

They hear Chef shouting. Alucard’s just won his first match. Sheriff Woody pined under the vampire’s foot, immobile but unharmed.

“That’s six points for the Ordinals to the Supertask’s nine!” Chris cries. “Ordinals are catching up but if the Supertasks beat another round it’s over! Next up Gary Smith!”

“Well good luck,” Sam says.

“No mercy!” Olivia cries.

“Better not screw up!” Tenpenny warns.

Gary gives them a look of disbelief. “I’m about to win our team it’s first victory and that’s all the cheering you mindless sheep can come with?”

“Why do you deserve cheering when you’ve been acting like a spoiled prat all day?” Penny counters. Gary feigns outrage.

“Didn’t you hear Harrington’s heroic speech? Individualism is dead and all triumphs belong to the whole social order at large. Your lack of enthusiasm for me represents a lack of enthusiasm for the team at large, which not only hurts my poor fragile feelings but is probably the reason we were such worthless losers yesterday. So, what’s it gonna be? Am I getting the reception I deserve or are we all going to keep revealing in our worthlessness?”

The group cheers unenthusiastically. Gary grins.

“Well, it’s a start. Even if I noticed the rabbit wasn’t cheering.”

“I’m sure he’d love to help but unfortunately he’s got his own worries,” Sam says.

Beside him, Max is lying on his back green in the face. Sam shakes his head.

“Looks like Past Max finally caught up with Future Max.”

“Damn that Past Max. He’s always got it out for me.” Max sighs. “One of these days I got to get even with that guy.”

“I’d wish you luck, but I think the odds are stacked in his favour.”

“Strange how it’s always like that.”

Gary gives them both a cold stare and turns to step into the ring.

Though he won’t show it, much less admit it, the day’s been exhausting. He’ll be happier when this round is over.

“Any time now McLean.”

“Gary!” Chris cries. “You’re fifth Tom Thanks- I mean Tom Hanks challenger is…”

Someone rises into the ring, rather three someones. The lead figure’s the same man they’ve been fighting all day now older and wearing a cheap Halloween suit with a jack-o-lantern print. Behind there are two more figures, both also in cheap Halloween makeup. They’re dressed in skeleton body socks with matching face paint and fly-away white hair.

“Beep Beep Boop! How’s it Hangin!” Shouts the first figure. His voice oddly pitched.

“What the hell is this?” Gary snaps. “Why are there three of them now!?”

“I’m David S Pumpkins!” Cries the man in the suit.

“…And the skeletons?” Gary asks.

“Part of it! Beep Boop!” Both skeletons shout.

Music begins blaring from nowhere. The three of them begin dancing. Gary stares at them.

“Well that’s all nice bullshit but strength in numbers won’t save you. All that’s standing between me and a good night’s sleep is kicking your shiny metal ass!”

Amongst the Ordinals Fry looks up suddenly from his daze of sadness momentarily before realising his robot best friend isn’t present.

The robots continue dancing semi-provocatively, either lost in their own world or programmed to be. Tired of waiting Gary charges.

The music stops. David S Pumpkins throws out an arm, Gary collides with it, hard, and the boy is knocked back against the other side of the ring.

The music resumes. The Skeletons begin dancing again.

Gary’s dazed for a moment. Then recovers. He glares.

“Oh, I get it now. Think you’re the class clown of your little robot school? Allow me to demonstrate what happens to people like you at Bullworth.”

Again, he charges the machine. Again, he’s knocked to the floor. He gets up seething. He hurls a fist at David’s head. The robot catches his fist with one hand and sucker-punches him with the other. The rest of the cast can all but see birds circling around Gary’s stunned head.

The skeletons begin dancing around Gary. Thrusting their backsides at him. Gary gets a slide glance at Steve holding in a laugh from the sidelines and grits his teeth.

“Get that gay shit out of my face.”

He aims his next strike at one of the backup dancers. This time it connects. The dancer’s knocked out cold.

The music cuts dead. David and his remaining skeleton gasp.

“First of all!” He cries indignantly. “There will be no causal homophobia in the presence of the Great DAVID S PUMPKIN! SECONDLY! No one slaps my skeletons around but me!”

He punctuates the remark by slapping his remaining skeleton across the rear.

“Bring me my pumpkin juice! I’m gonna teach this feller a lesson!”

The skeleton salutes and with the obedience of one of Peach’s toads runs out of the ring and returns with a can of Pumpkin juice.

He squeezes it and it flies into his mouth. The music switches to an American college football brass fanfare as Pumpkins rolls up his sleeves and his biceps physically grow.

Gary raises his fist as the machine marches towards him ready fists ready to strike, tongue ready to give his opponent another verbal lashing.

He gets the chance to do neither.

David S Pumpkins hosts Gary Smith up by the collar and hurls him into the air. He lands straight into a pumpkin punch, then another, and another. Pumpkin’s blows come so fast that he juggles Gary in the air. The boy’s body vibrating from the attack.

“Final Attack!” David S Pumpkins cries. “FIST OF THE PUMPKIN STAR!”

He lands one devastating knockout punch on Gary. The boy’s send rocketing upwards, then comes crashing down with the jumbotron. He lands under the screen in a heap. Both skeletons rush over to dance at him again. Chef throws down the towel.

“That’s a K.O. If I’ve ever seen one! Smith’s out! Pumpkins wins!”

David S Pumpkins raises his fists victoriously. A horde of sentient pumpkins emerges from somewhere and carry him off victorious.

“Tom thanks fellers!”

“Gentleman I apologize. That seemed highly unfair.” Winces Rodney from the staff table. Besides him, both Chris and Conner are cackling like jackals.

Gary emerges from the wreckage of the jumbotron bitterly. In a turn of events inexplicable to medical but completely on brand for animation he seems only mildly hurt from his loss.

As he returns to his team a crowd of disapproval greets him. He sniffs indignantly.

“Oh, what? Really folks? That match was rigged against me, and you know it.”

“I hear you man,” Steve says.

From his tone, Steve makes the remark sincere. Incidentally though it doesn’t Gary takes it that way as a second later he’s lunged at Steve and is trading blows with the teen.

Bruce and Tenpenny arrive quickly to separate the pair but the damage has been done. Steve, already bruised and exhausted from his earlier fights now sports a black eye. Tenpenny grabs Steve by the shoulders.

“You alright kid?”

“Fine…” Mumbles Steve.

“Good!”

He turns and quickly strikes Gary across the jaw.

“WHAT THE HELL!?” Gary yelps.

“The fuck is your problem!?” Tenpenny demands. “I don’t care what stupid ass feud you got going with Harrington we still need him for another fight now that you got your ass beat. Or did your tiny testosterone-driven mind forget that important detail!?”

“If he loses it’s his own goddamn fault.”

“You better damn well be cheering him to win next round ‘cause it’ll be your ass on the line if he doesn’t.”

“Don’t tell me what do believe in pig! God, you’re like every other fascist authority figure that’s tried to mind rape me in ‘being a better person.’ I like who I am! If I’m just too problematic for your sheltered worldview that’s society's goddamn fault!”

Tenpenny takes a deep breath to collect himself then points a finger at Gary.

“Thin ice kid. You’re on thin fucking ice.”

“Give it a rest. Guy’s off his meds or some shit.” Steve says. “But uh, thanks for defending my honour.”

Tenpenny claps him on the back.

“I like you, Harrington. You fight good. Better than some of the kids on this team at least.”

Gary’s nostrils flare.

“Next round is Guzma!”

Guzma steps into the ring cautiously. He glances around.

“Anything wrong?” Katara asks.

“I don’t like this.” He says. “The opponents are getting crazier.”

“Whatever they throw at you we know you can face it,” Katara assures him.

“Yeah! Ordinals look out for each other!” Meg says brightly. “Right, captain?”

All eyes turn to Fry not only still moping but now is also playing the blues on a harmonica.

“ Ain't no sunshine when Leela's gone
And Leela's always gone too long
Anytime Leela goes away”

“Where did he even get that?” Jack wonders aloud.

More music starts up, this time from the ring. A jazzy up-tempo brass piece.

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Guzma growls.

“Tickets please…”

A train conductor’s entered the ring. Clad blue antiquated uniform, pair of gold spectacles and burly brown mustache.

“For what? The fight?” Guzma asks.

“Beep Beep Boop! For what? For what!? Why for a train to the North Pole of course! This is the POLAR EXPRESS!”

“Enough crazy talk!” Guzma says. “Go through whatever madness you want to bring at me! I’m ready!”

He raises his fists. The conductor looks at him inquiringly.

“Do you have your ticket?”

“No!”

The robot gasps.

“Well… in that case I have no choice but to…” His mechanical eyes twinkle ominously. “Serve you some refreshments.”

The brass begins in full.

“Oh! We got it!”

The machine tap dances towards Guzma then strikes.

Guzma’s ready. He dodges the first couple of blows. Even getting a counterattack in. But the robot’s fast. It’s a whirl of flying fists and feet spinning around Guzma. The conductor catching Guzma off guard and rapidly boxing his ears. He crouches out of it and slugs the conductor in the gut then makes his hasty retreat to the ropes.

“This isn’t fair. I can’t get an opening on this one!”

“It’s Round five bro. We got to up the stakes.” Chris explains. As if he had any control over events of the day. “You can always wuss out if you want.”

Guzma grits his teeth.

“Not likely.”

He throws himself back into the fight. Unfortunately, his opponent seems ready for him. No sooner is he back Guzma’s being tossed around by the Conductor. Plummeted this way and that. He puts an impressive amount of resistance but ultimately, he’s on the mat.

“…Eight! Nine! Ten!” Chef calls. “Guzma’s out! Victory to the opponent.”

The conductor tips his hat to Chef.

“Tom thanks to you sir.”

He dissolves into dust.

Guzma gets back up weakly and retreats to the reassurance of his team.

“And that’s round five,” Chris says. “Round six! We are down to two fighters and it’s still do or die for the Supertasks.”

Reluctantly but determinedly, Steve gets back into the ring.

“Please don’t give me any crazy holiday character.”

“Steve…” Chris says dramatically. “Your final opponent will be…”

A skinny man with a buzz cut and a vacant expression enters the ring. He looks utterly unremarkable and unlike every other competitor they’ve faced is actually dressed in boxing garb.

“Forest Gump from Forest Gump!”

“Boop beep life is like a box of cho-co-lates.” Drawls in the machine in a slow lilting southern accent.

Steve cheers triumphantly.

“Yes! YES! ALRIGHT! I can do this!”

“You know this character?” Tenpenny asks.

“No, but I’ve KO’d five other guys just like him. Let’s dance country boy.”

“I like running more. Jen-ney says I’m good at run-ning.”

“Whatever!”

Steve channels the last of his strength into his fist and hurls it at the machine. It hits it straight in the chest. The robot collapses. Steve cheers again, prematurely it turns out as the robot rises to its feet again.

“I fell over.” The machine states blankly.

Steve clocks in across the check. Once more it falls, once more it rises.

“It happened again.”

Steve gives the machine a hard look then flies into full offensive mod. Bombarding Gump with blows to the head (Not that there’s anything in there to damage.) The robot seems to have found it’s footing. It stands there stoically for a full minute as Steve gives up all his remaining energy trying to break him. Steve gives first. The boy doubles over panting.

“Dude!? Why won’t you go down?”

“Is it my turn?” Forest asks.

Steve gives him a weak look.

“Wha-“

Before he finishes his sentence the wind’s knocked out of him. Forest it appears can attack as hard as he can defend. Automatically with a distant neutral expression on his face he sends a volley of fists in Steve’s direction. Steve holds up his hands to block but the very force of Forest’s blows knocks him to his feet.

Steve collapses against the ropes, exhausted. Forest looks down at him with a placid innocent look of curiosity.

“Folks say I’m real re-sili-ent. Whatever that means.” He says seemingly finally getting around to answering Steve’s question. Steve takes another breath and casts a glance at his team

A cool towel greets his burning forehead. Elizabeth has appeared by his side.

“Good lodgings aren’t worth dying for,” She says.

“Team’s counting on me. I’m not letting you guys down.”

“In all honestly no one will be terribly disappointed if we have to remove one of our personages this evening,” Elizabeth admits, causing a disproving glance at Gary, who grins back at her. “It is rare to meet a man so unconcealed in his savagery as Gary Smith.”

“What about me?” Steve asks. “If I win this am I as still as bad as him?”

Elizabeth gives him a look of surprise.

“Your pardon?”

“You said we had similar constitutions this morning!”

Elizabeth blinks at him then breaks into unapologetic laughter.

“It seems my teasing translates very poorly to your 20^th century manner or speaking,”

Steve gaps at her.

“Wait… hang on, you mean you were joking!?”

Elizabeth grins at him coyly.

“You are rather similar in culture but in strength of character Mister Harrington, you’d have to try hard to do worse than that dreadful Mister Smith,”

She laughs again. Steve laughs within, deeply relieved.

Chris clears his throat loudly.

“Earth to Steve, you’re in a challenge remember?”

Steve sighs. The robot still blinking diming at him from across the ring.

“At this stage, you don’t seem posed to win,” Elizabeth admits. Steve gives her a half-smirk.

“Yeah but, I’ve got to try don’t I?”

He wills himself back up. Forest looks surprised. Steve capitalizes on the confusion, switching back to offence. Unleashing another marathon of fists at the machine. Too many times he knocks Forest down flat and every time he springs up like a Jack in the Box.

“Dude! Just stay down!” Steve cries exasperatedly.

He’s panting heavily now. He swings one final punch at Forest.

It loses momentum and Steve crashes to the ground in a heap. Forest stares placidly as Chef counts him down.

“…and Ten! Steve’s out!”

“Which means the Supertasks are out of boxers!” Chris announces. “By account of being the only boxer still standing Alucard and the Ordinals win immunity!”

The team cheers.

Steve groans and shuts his eyes trying to avoid Forest’s gaze.

“Tom Thank you, kind sir,” Forest says.

Steve gives him a very, very beleaguered sigh.

“No problem bud.”

…

A few hours later they’re back in the elimination lounge. The Supertask’s huddled in the same armchairs they sat in last night.

Chris, the Princesses, Rodney, and Conner enter the scene. Chris carrying his plate of cookies.

“Supertasks we meet again! Everyone ready for another cozy little ceremony.”

“Just get this garbage over with already,” Gary complains. Chris shrugs pleasantly.

“Oh don’t worry this’ll be quick. Voting was almost unanimous. You’re out Gary!”

He tosses a baked good to every Supertask but Gary, who looks predictably unhappy.

“Are you serious? Harrington botches his moment of glory and I’m still the one that gets thrown under the bus?”

“Allow me to put it delicately,” Tenpenny explains. “Steve went out today and busted his ass. You went out and acted like a goddamn asshole.”

“I’d hardly say that’s delicate language but the sentiments most certainly correct,” Elizabeth says, giving Gary a surprisingly dark look.

Gary rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. Why the hell did I sign up for a trashy reality show anyway, I should have known the cast would be a bunch of brain-dead lobotomy patients that can’t recognize their best player when he’s staring them in the face.”

He makes a point of showing them all his favourite finger.

“I’d say it’s a pleasure, but It wasn’t. Have fun crashing and burning without me!”

And with that, he makes his leave from the game. Chris shuts the door firmly behind him.

“Well… he was fun.”

“Had a guy just like him last season,” Conner says. “Lasted until the merge actually.”

Chris smirks.

“Knowing Endless that checks out.”

…

At some point later, back in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him.  He presses mute and turns to the audience.

“Big words for someone who still can properly organize a challenge, McLean!”

He laughs.

“Three challenges set here in the Rodney House and not one of them has gone entirely right. Not that I’m complaining. The day I stop finding joy in Chris’s failures is the day I die. But credit where it’s due, today was mostly coherent, though it’s hard to mess up a sport’s challenge, and Chris seemed to manage it anyway.

Anyway, tune in next time folks when Chris will surely find new and innovative ways to disappoint and entertain me. Right here on Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter Text

Chris beams into the camera.

"Last time on Total Drama Homespun, we had ourselves a big fight. Two champions from each team proved their worth and entered the boxing match of the century. Their opponents? A bunch of robots that looked like Hollywood actor Tom Hanks. No... I don't understand this place any more than you do.

Ultimately it was Gary Smith, who lost it big time for team and felt the consequences. Sucks to be him, but hey. At least Steve got to bond with Elizabeth.

Who will be bonding and or losing everything today? Find out, right now."

...

There's a knock on the front door of the Rodney House.

It's Princess Peach who answers it, giving a friendly smile to the guest on the doorstep.

"Oh, my stars! Why hello miss Mermaid, how do you do?"

"Hiya, It's Perky!" Perky the Mermaid beams up at her, fishbowl precariously balanced on the doorstep. She coughs. "Kind of sort of figured you'd remember my name since we were on the same season."

"I'm sorry Perky, it's just that we were on different teams, and you were the first one gone," Peach says innocently.

Perky laughs sardonically. "Yup, that's me. First out. Hey! Speaking of seasons, is that new one done yet?"

It's Peach's turn to laugh. "Done? Why It's only just started."

"Has it?" Perky asks surprised. "Dang, these things go slower than I remember. Maybe I could sign up early for the next one?"

"Well I'd have-"

"…Or I could be an intern! Yeah! I was one last time kinda sorta. I'd do great, you probably need more help right?"

"Actually, we have the whole Mushroom Kingdom helping this season, but still it's very, very kind of you to volunteer. I'm sure once Chris hears your offer he'll be very happy to- Oh hello Chef, Perky was just saying very kindly that she'd like to help with the show."

Chef Hatchet's hulking form has materialized behind Peach. He eyes the mermaid grimly. Perky waves at him.

"Hiya! Nice to be on the team. Heh heh…"

"We gotta enough help!" He grunts, kicking her bowl off the step and slapping the door.

"Chef!" Peach squeaks.

"Trust me, Princess, she ain't worth it."

…

Later in the morning, the staff has the contestants gather outside their cabins.

"That time again Houseguests," Chris says beaming. "Who's ready for another exciting challenge?"

"Woo! Let's do it! What are we in for today Chris?" Miko says excitedly.

"Why didn't you ask me what we're doing?" Conner asks.

Miko's confused "Uh… alright Conner what are we doing?"

"No clue, Chris never tells me what his plans are," Conner admits, turning to Chris. "What's on the agenda today McLean?"

"First up, I've got a present for you guys."

Several Toads run up, wheeling over a clothing rack, on which are rows of black tuxedos and richly coloured sparkling evening gowns. The contestants look impressed.

"Today's challenge has a dress code, so get dressed."

…

The contestants run off to get changed, when they're ready they meet Chris in the Main Lodge, all of them now in their new highly formal looks complete with shades and cologne for the men and hair and makeup for the women.

When Fry comes in, he's for some reason snickering like a schoolboy.

"What's got you laughing then?" Penny Crayon asks

"I told Wallace I'd give him ten bucks if he wore one of the dresses." Fry giggles.

"Did he?" Meg asks.

Her Team Captain wheezes. His mood seems to have improved greatly from yesterday.

"In my defence, it seemed pretty funny…" Wallace says walking in wearing gorgeous evening attire and matching makeup. "…though in hindsight, I realize I'm confirming some stereotypes about my sexuality."

"If it makes you feel better that dress fits your hips beautifully," Chef says.

"You're damn right It does." Wallace agrees, taking a sip of his ever-present cosmopolitan.

Entrapta's the last to emerge, still in her usual outfit with the sole addition of a black bowtie.

"Uh, Entrapta dude. You know I wanted everyone to get dressed up right?" Chris asks.

"I like my regular clothes though." She says innocently. Chris shrugs.

"Fine, don't want the nice expensive dress we gave you? Suit yourself!"

"No, the suit didn't interest me either."

Chris ignores her and turns to the others.

"Now that you're properly dressed, I need two sets of volunteers. For today's challenge, each team needs someone good with tech and a driver. They'll be on the sidelines for most of today, but they'll be important later."

"I can do tech!" Entrapta practically squeals.

Zelda clears her throat, seemingly working up the courage to volunteer for her team.

"I'll handle tech for us." Doctor Olivia Octavius says, cutting the Princess off before she can speak. "Who's our driver?"

"Me and my little buddy here can handle that," Sam says pulling Max over to him.

"…And I guess I'll drive for us." Wallace volunteers. "Being on the sidelines means less risk of tearing this sexy ass dress."

He licks a gloved thumb and places it on his backside, sizzling like a stovetop as he does.

Chris nods.

"Good. Right this way volunteers. Conner show these five outside?"

Conner leads them out of the lodge.

"What about the rest of us?" Katara asks.

"…and what are those for?" Guzma asks frowning. The staff have suddenly donned gas masks.

Chris chuckles.

A moment later the room fills with a white gas and the contestants fall unconscious.

…

When they come to, they're in a dark hallway, filled with strange glass enclosers and the ambient sounds and smells of a zoo reptile house.

Shego rubs her head.

"Sleeping gas, really McLean? Uncool."

"Ah, good show! You're finally awake!"

There comes an old posh accent from behind them. The cast for a moment mistakes it for Rodney. However, when they look they find a toad standing there. This one the most distinct by far. His cap is cream-coloured with brown spots, round spectacles and a handlebar moustache white with age adorns his face, he's also more poshly dressed than the other toads, wearing a three-piece vest of blue and gold.

"By Jove so it is. How nice to meet you!" He says jovially. "The name is Toadsworth, faithful servant to House Toadstool and my kingdom's dear princess."

"Oh, hey," Fry says causally. "Where are we?"

"Follow-up question, the hell kinda idea you people have knocking us out like that?" Tenpenny asks.

"No need to worry now. All part of the challenge." Chortles the old toad. "At present, you are all lost within the private zoo of the notorious Mr. Crypt. The most frightful criminal in all the Rodney House."

"I thought we were the only people in here?" Jack says raising his hand.

"AWK! THE OLD MAN IS TALKING! BE RESPECTFUL!" Squawks Vultureman.

"My good contestants, your challenge today is to escape this place undetected, and make off with Mr. Crypt's most prized exhibit in the process."

"So, it's a heist then?" Tenpenny asks smiling.

"Aw, this's be plenty fun, surely," Penny says.

"Stealth Mission challenge!" Cries Miko. Several people shush her.

"Stealth Mission woo woo. Let's hear it." She whispers.

"Good show, I see you're all in good spirits." Toadworth little black eyes twinkled mischievously. "Do be aware though, my fellow countrymen of the Mushroom Kingdom are patrolling the halls, they are armed with toy rifles and fiercely protective of Mr. Crypt's exotic treasures, one shot and you are out of the day's competition, so they're best to be avoided. Especially that dear Toadette, do take care to look out for her, she was very excited to partake in today's events."

"Thanks for the warning," Bruce says.

"Anytime my good man."

Jeremy oozes out of a hidden wall panel. Causally Toadworth hops on his back and is carried away.

"Right then, let the heist begin! Until we meet again houseguest. Good luck to you all, and first one to bring back the prized exhibit wins immunity!"

…

Somewhere else, in a room full of charts and computers, Entrapta and Olivia have been set up as their respective teams "Guy in the chair". Each one of them regarding the glut of information before them hungrily.

Toadsworth and Jeremy ride in.

"Right oh. Your comrades have been given their missions, and are free to contact you and any moment, and to aid in your assistant to your teams Master Jeremy has volunteered to fetch you snacks to keep morale up."

Jeremy gurgles.

"Well, isn't that nice of him?" Says Olivia scratching Jermey under the chin, he makes a trilling affectionate sound.

The two staff take their leave. On Olivia's desk a walkie-talkie crackles to life.

"You there Doc?" Comes the sound of Tenpenny's voice.

"Yes, confirming visual contact Officer. I have access to the zoo's CCTV feed."

…

"Fantastic," Tenpenny says. "If you'd be so kind as to share it might be nice to know where we are."

"…And where this prised exhibit supposedly is," Bruce adds.

While they wait for her response some of the others glance around at the enclosers. All desert-themed in this area.

"What an odd exhibit," Zelda says.

"It's not that weird, they got a zoo like this in Louisville," Steve says.

"Do they have rabbits with antlers in Louisville?" Penny asks.

Steve turns and stares at the enclosure Penny's looking at. Several jackrabbits with antlers like pronghorns lounge around a rocky environment.

"No, they definitely didn't have jackalopes." He says.

Olivia chuckles over the radio.

"That's Mr. Crypt's specialty He's very fond of cryptids and all sorts of other animals that have never been seen officially."

"My goodness! They must have every beast and creature from classical mythos caged in here." Herlock exclaims in a low voice of wonder.

He gawks at a large exhibit filled with lion, eagle hybrids.

"Griffins!"

…Then at a cage filled with red and gold feathered birds, one of them bursts into flame and is reduced to ash, from the pile of soot emerges a hatchling of the same bird.

"Thunderbirds!" Herlock declares confidently.

His gaze arrives at a large rocky enclosure, high in the display crouched on a perch are a pair of strange beings, amalgamations of eagles and human women.

"Ah…" Says Herlock softly. "…and who who's read Homer could mistake the sight of the fearsome Harpies?"

"Holy shit!" Steve cries, stumbling over to Herlock and gaping up at the creatures. "Dude, I can tell if they're totally hot, or totally hideous."

Both harpies give him an offended look, then suddenly begin screeching as loud as they can.

Steve nearly falls over, the others look mortified. Almost instantly they hear the scrambling of little feet towards them.

"Move!" Tenpenny cries.

…

Olivia laughs.

"Keep straight, then turn left, there should be a washroom to hide in about 200 feet."

She notices Entrapta watching her over her shoulder.

"How's your team doing?"

"They'll be fine. How are your little Ordinals faring?"

"Oh good, I told them to take a shortcut through the exhibits, that should be the fastest way to the main hall if the beasts don't trouble them," Entrapta informs her quickly and brightly.

"It is? Maybe I'll keep my team in the hallways then, it'll keep things interesting for the viewers at home if we take different strategies."

"I thought we're all in someone's home?" Entrapta says, scratching her head with one of her long, prehensile lilac pigtails. Olivia regards her intrigued.

"Is there no television in your home reality Entrapta?"

"Nope! Never heard of it I've been, and I've been around a lot of places back on Etheria."

"Oh… Oh, I see you're not from Earth then?" Olivia says looking more fascinated with the girl by the minute. "Tell me all about that, I want to know everything about non-terrestrial life out here in the multiverse,"

Entrapta gasps. "Do you want some of the technicals I've taken on my planet's unique geology?"

"Don't spare the details."

Entrapta squeaks with excitement.

…

As the two scientists lapse into conversation. Entrapta's Walkie Talkie lays forgotten, much to her team's chagrin.

The Forest encloser is a dark and gloomy place, overgrown and swampy with a dense canopy that blocks out any sunlight, (or lamp light, it's hard to tell what's above their heads). The Ordinals look terribly out of place in their evening gowns and tuxedos, sloshing through muddy puddles and tripping over roots in their dress shoes. All the while inhuman trills and calls echo through the trees.

"Entrapta? Hey Entrapta! Earth to Entrapta! You there?" Miko calls into her team's walkie-talkie.

"Yeah, not sure how much help you were expecting to get from Pigtails." Shego snarks. "…Or Captain Lover Boy."

Fry stands chipper and merry at the front of their pack, singing off-key to an old favourite of his.

"I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa-oh-oh!
I'm walking on sunshine! Hm-mm-mm!"

"Dude! You're scaring off the monsters with your singing!" Miko says.

"I don't know, these two might have something to do with it as well," Guzma says, casting a glance back at Vultureman and Alucard's lumbering forms.

"Do you guys really want to run into Bigfoot?" Jack asks surprised.

"Uh, Heck yeah I do!" Miko says at once.

"Bigfoot's great. I met him once." Fry says happily.

"You did?" Meg, Miko, Jack and even Shego all ask at once.

"Yeah, nice guy," Fry says. "My dad used to talk about cryptids a lot, not as much as he'd talk about the Russians, but still. I probably know every monster we could run into here."

"Really?" Guzma says skeptically. "Alright smart guy? What are those?" He jerks his head to the left, where there's gathered about six or so bipedal frogs half the size of a man.

"Loveland Frogs," Fry says. "Up there are Jersey Devil nests…"

They look up, perched in a nest is a pair of small, cloven, goat-like creatures with leathery wings.

"…and those tracks Shego's about to trip on are probably from a Hodag."

Right on cue Shego pratfalls.

"AGH! These stupid shoes!"

"I think they're nice," Meg says.

"Heels aren't meant for hiking through a swamp!"

"Why do think I threw mine away the moment we got in here!?" Miko asks. "Ditch 'em!"

Shego throws her shoes away, sniffs bitterly, turns, and falls again. An ugly two-legged creature, with doleful eyes scampering out from under her.

"Shego! Careful you almost crushed that poor Squonk!" Fry cries. Scooping up the little thing and cradling it affectionally. The ugly little Squonk crying in his arms.

Shego pulls her face up from the dirt furiously and fires a ball of energy at both of them. Fry gives a yelp and dodges to the side.

"Why is everyone I work under an idiot!?"

She storms away, grumbling to herself. Katara watches her disapprovingly.

"Don't listen to her Fry, you're doing a great job." She says. Fry's wounded morale heals slightly.

"Thanks…"

"Yeah man! With your monster knowledge, we got this thing in the bag!" Miko says.

Besides them, the Loveland Frogs have begun croaking in alarm. Suddenly a black form swoops down from the trees and carries off one of the frogs, the others fleeing in alarm

"What was that?" Jack asks.

The black form swoops down onto a tree branch before them. It's large and almost human but decidedly not. Two large wings and dense black fur cloak most of its features, the only thing discernible from its head are a set of insectoid antennae, and two large, bloody red eyes.

"Oh man, what is that!?" Jack demands.

Miko whistles. "Man that's freaky! This thing got a name?"

"That would be Mothman…" Fry says shakily. He and Meg now hiding behind Vultureman.

"I don't suppose he's friendly?" Katara asks.

Fry lets out a little whimper.

"It's fine we can take him," Miko boasts.

The creature lets out a ghastly trilling noise. All Miko's confidence vanishes.

"Yeah, okay. Changed my mind. That thing's horrifying. RUN!"

They dart off screaming. The Mothman lets out a hideous cry, and most of the others follow after Miko. The creature on their tail.

"What did you morons do now!?" Shego shouts as they pass her.

"Terrifying bug man on our tail!" Katara shouts back.

Shego sees Mothman, groans, and begins running after her fleeing team. "Great. Wonder if Wallace is having as bad a time as we are?"

…

In the Zoo's receiving bay, Wallace Wells sits on the hood of the Ordinal's van, mild disinterest colouring his expression. Besides him Sam and Max sit on their own van, deep in conversation.

"…What I don't understand Max is why you had to end the night on such an unsavory note."

"Is it what it is Sam. You know I don't take rejection well."

"She seemed a perfectly pleasant waitress."

"They always do at first, but if I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times, if I'd know she was a robot I would have hit her thrice as hard."

"You certainly found a way to make the night memorable."

"Gosh, it was. Best anniversary we've had in years."

Wallace turns to the two.

"So are you two gay, or…?"

"Nah, we're just married," Max says chipperly.

"Oh," Wallace says.

They melt into silence for a moment or two before Wallace turns back to them.

"…What?"

…

Back in the desert wing, several toads scurry through the hallways. Two stop and talk to each other. For the sake of narrative convenience, their unusual dialect will be subtitled in standard English.

A toad with a red spotted cap shouts.

"Wah! Uh oh!"

[Terrible news friend, it appears we've lost our lead.]

His friend, who has blue spots on his cap squawks.

"Wa ha! Ha ha ho! Yay!"

[Fret not my dear ally, victory has not yet eluded us. Let us search another corner of this esteemed establishment.]

They both throw up their arms.

"Let's Go!"

[So it's decreed!]

They dart off. Soon as they're gone The Supertasks emerge from behind a corner.

"Damn, those things are annoying," Tenpenny says.

"I'm sure they'll be even less pleasant if they catch us." Says Bruce. He clicks on the radio. "Thanks for the tip about this hiding spot doc."

"Happy to help gang," Olivia says with a little laugh. "Fair bit of warning, path forward should get you to where you want to go but there's a lot more of those little guys up ahead."

"Can you take them out or something?" Steve asks.

"I think that's a job for you seven on the floor. Maybe that little girl and her magic crayon could do something for you?"

"Ah, that's a great idea, sure is," Penny says.

The schoolgirl quickly plucks her magic crayon from behind her ear and busies herself drawing. A moment later she's created a little barrel organ on wheels. She turns its crank and lullaby music begins playing.

In the distance they hear the sounds of yawning.

Steve glances around a corner.

"It worked!"

"Brillant aren't I?" Penny says proudly.

…

Olivia watches them stratified.

A gurgling sound alerts her to Jeremy, having oozed into the room, a tray with a tiny cupcake and protein shake on it balanced on his head.

"Thanks, Jeremy honey, you're a big help." She says, accepting the drink and offering him a small pellet of food from her lab coat. He eats it from her hand with a gurgle of appreciation, gives Entrapta her cupcake then leaves.

"Does Jeremy look a little off-colour today or is that just me?" Entrapta asks.

"Probably just the lighting," Olivia says. "…So, what were saying before he came in? You pulled your entire planet out of a pocket reality and back into its original dimension?"

Entrapta blushes modestly. "It was mostly the First Ones tech that did the heavy lifting. It worked though, and without destroying everything! I thought it would, but Catra was insistent we go through with it."

"Sounds like Kingpin and my collider," Olivia smiled. "It's not easy tapping into the Multiverse, not on my Earth or your Etheria at least. Here it seems that sort of thing comes easy to them."

She rested her chin in her hands and for a moment looked thoughtful.

"They don't know what they have here."

"Hang on one minute, you built an interdimensional portal too!?" Entrapta gasps.

"Oh yes, something like that," Olivia says lightly.

"Wow!" Entrapta says eyes aglow. "I've always wanted to find another scientist that's run experiments on the scale I have but practically I thought it was probably going to be impossible! I'm so glad we ran into each other Doctor Olivia."

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine," Olivia says. "We can compare results in a minute, but you should probably answer that first."

She points to the desk behind Entrapta where the walkie-talkie is crackling with static. Entrapta claps her hands together and squeaks.

"Oh, you're right, my friends need me."

She clicks the radio on.

"Hi, Friends! Me and Olivia have been having such a nice time! How've you been?"

"ENTRAPA!"

Fry's voice comes shrieking through the machine.

…

He and the rest of the Ordinals tear through the forest encloser, Mothman on their heels.

"Who's that friend you made?" Entrapta asks.

"He's not a friend!" Fry yelps. "Make him go away."

…

Entrapta stares at her monitors and strokes her chin with one of her pigtails.

"That'd be tricky. How about I make you guys go away instead? That alright?"

"YES! GOD! Do it already!"

"Oaky doke!"

…

A door springs open in the forest. The Ordinals bound through it. Miko slamming it forcefully in Mothman's face. They hear the bug shrieking at them from the other side.

"Made it!" Fry shouts "Everybody alright?"

"I think we're okay," Jack admits, retrieving his glasses. "That was scary though."

"Actually, I changed my mind again. That was fun!" Miko declares.

Jack gives her a look of disbelief.

"Where are we now Entrapta?" Katara asks looking around. They're in a dark cavern filled with mist, smoke and embers.

"Currently you should have ended up in the reptile house."

"What's in there?"

The radio lets out nothing but static, Katara taps it confused.

"Hello? Entrapta? Does anyone know what's wrong with this? I'm still getting used to your people's technology."

"She's probably chatting with the enemy again," Guzma grumbles.

"Guess where on our own," Miko says.

The Zoo's reptile house smells overwhelmingly of sulphur and brimstone as the Ordinals creep through it. Snakes slither at their feet when the contestants draw too close, they bite their own tails and go rolling away like a hula-hoop sent down a hill.

"The less time we spend here the better," Shego complains, hitching up the hem of her dress, already wet and frayed from their escape from the Mothman.

"Not that I'd normally agree with her, but she's right," Katara says to Fry. "We need to keep moving. Those other guys might be way ahead of us. Any of your monster knowledge seem helpful right now?

"Not sure, let me think," Fry says.

"I didn't know you could think," Alucard says grinning. Katara gives him an unimpressed look.

"Guys!"

They hear Jack's call from around a corner. The boy sounds nervous, they catch up with him and find out why.

Before them is a scene out of high fantasy. A towering red dragon, sleeping on a pile of gold.

"Oh man!" Jack breathes.

"Oh man is right," Guzma says.

Fry looks thoughtful.

"I got a plan!" He says suddenly.

"The dragon gave you a plan?" Shego asks concerned.

"Don't worry, as captain I made sure to come up with something that probably won't get us killed."

Fry's phrasing causes his team to eye him nervously.

"It better be a good plan," Guzma says wearily.

…

Several minutes later the Ordinals find themselves on a ledge overlooking the back of a sleeping dragon.

"This is terrible plan!" Guzma hisses.

"What better way to get where we're going than hitching a ride?"

"Any other way!" Shego snaps.

"What? How? Katara keeps saying her flying friend is great."

"Fry, Our gang has a flying bison back home." Katara points out apprehensively. "Riding a dragon is entirely a different thing."

"Does anyone even know how we're going to control that thing?" Guzma demands.

"Awk! Leave that to Vultureman!"

Guzma grimaces in dismay.

"Can we quit stalling and do this already!?" Miko says, bouncing up in down in anticipation.

"On three." Fry declares. "One! Two! Now!"

"Now what?" Meg asks.

"Now go!" Fry cries.

"I thought you said go on three!"

"Someone said three!" Miko shouts, and she lets out a cry and leaps. Fry, Vultureman and with much dismay, the others soon join her.

Forcefully landing on its back stirs the great creature. Its reptilian eyes shoot open, its serpent-like neck jerks upwards, only for Vultureman to pounce onto its head and seize it by the horns.

"FORWARD SLAVE! YOUR NEW MASTER DEMANDS IT!"

…

A piercing roar echoes through the museum.

"What was that?" Zelda asks.

"Here's hoping we don't find out," Bruce says.

The Supertasks stroll light-footed through sleeping hallways of toads. The team largely silent, save for Penny's lullaby. Their path lit by the bright desert enclosers, each one proudly displaying a different rare and exotic beast, save for one large exhibit that's empty supposedly due to it being "Chupacabra Mating Season"

"What do you think Chupacabra mating season's like?" Steve wonders aloud. Tenpenny shushes him.

"Keep it down Harrington."

"Sorry," Steve says in a quieter tone. "Just, the stillness of this place man. I don't like it."

"We can chat, just do it quietly."

"Alright, uh… what do you want to chat about?"

"What'd make of this team so far Harrington?" Tenpenny asks causally.

Steve looks around at the others.

"You want an honest opinion?"

"Yeah, why the hell not?"

"They're a pretty alright gang," Steve admits. "Not that Gary's gone there's not anyone here pissing me off, Elizabeth and I were talking earlier and she's actually pretty cool, you seem alright. Uh, who else?"

They've left the desert exhibits behind now and entered the aquarium. Enclosers that stretch out vastly beyond their glass fronts show different scenes and creatures. One with a diplodocus creature grazing on swamp ferns bears the name [MOKELE MEBEMBE: AFRICA] on its placard.

"…Penny's cool, Sholmes or whatever his name was seems insane and so are Sam and Max. Or maybe just Max, he's the rabbit right?"

Another exhibit with a creature only visible by its wake in an overgrown lake, the placard reads [BUNYIP: AUSTRALIA]

Steve leaned over to Tenpenny and dropped his voice further.

"…Other three I can't a read on yet."

"Who? Wayne, Doc Octavius and the Princess?"

"That's right."

Tenpenny nods slowly.

Another encloser shows a storm-battered rocky coastline with strange black-furred elves perched on a sea stack, as the contestants pass the elves transform into ravens. The placard reads [PUCA: EUROPE]

"You play poker at all Harrington?" Tenpenny asks abruptly.

"If you're asking my folks then absolutely not," Steve says, he looks coy. "But… you know… I might have picked up the rules somewhere."

Tenpenny chuckles softly.

"This game's a lot like poker, some people play it fast and loose, not exactly hard to figure what they've got. Then there're other people, the kind that likes to hold their cards close to their chest."

He gives Zelda and Bruce an appraising look.

"…I got connections back in Los Santos, matter of fact I am the most popular ***** in that overcrowded gangbanger paradise. I know those streets; I own those streets. Here though? Here I getting used to starting over from scratch. I wouldn't mind knowing more about our friends too Steve. Damn pain in the ass, there ain't an easy way to do it."

They pass a vast aquarium where three Elasmosaurus-like lake monsters swim. The placard identifies them as Champ, The Ogopogo, and the famed Loch Ness Monster.

"Too bad we don't have a captain anymore to boss people around," Steve says.

Tenpenny gives the teen a strange glance, then looks thoughtful.

"That is a shame isn't it Steve?"

…

In Rodney's Study, most of the staff are glued to the great screens at the front of the room, with one exception.

Conner O'Gleeson is pacing the room, looking uncharacteristically solemn

"Whatever is the matter, Conner?" Peach asks, noticing his distress.

"Jeremy," Conner says. "The Big Guy went to go deliver food to the girls an hour ago."

"So what? Chef's been gone all day but you don't see me complaining." Says Chris.

The door to the study opens and in oozes Jeremy. Though it's always difficult to parse the expression on his vacant features, Jeremy seems visibly ill. A pale discolouration across his soft body now impossible to ignore.

"Sugar Bear!" Conner cries. "Where you been buddy? You had me worrying there."

Jeremy warbles out a feeble gurgle that turns into a loud, hacking cough.

Conner exchanges a look of worry with the others.

…

The Supertasks have made it to the central atrium of the indoor zoo. Imposing skeletons and models hang from the brightly painted ceiling. In the centre of the room stands a large cage shrouded by a curtain.

"Well how about that?" Tenpenny says. "That was almost easy."

"Too easy indeed…" Herlock notes conspiratorially.

"Doctor, that cage isn't booby-trapped is it?" Bruce asks the radio.

"Well not anymore." Chuckles Olivia.

"Enough stalling, let's see what it is already!" Penny Crayon insists.

She draws close to the curtain, then leaps back in alarm. A snarling muzzle has just lunged through the bars at her, followed by another, and a third.

Elizabeth pulls down the curtain. There in the cage is a black dog, similar to a cane corso, but larger than a bear. All three of its heads snarling at them.

"That's what we're supposed to steal!?" Cries Steve aghast.

"That, thing is Cerberus. The pride and joy of my collection." Crones a new voice.

The room suddenly goes into lockdown, metal blast doors block the exit, red lasers sprout from around Cerberus's cage.

A familiar figure creeps out of the shadows, burly and muscular with a designer suit.

"Is that… the Chef?" Zelda asks puzzled.

The man glares at them.

"I ain't Chef!" He says in a voice identical to Chef Hatchet.

"The name's Crypt. Mister Crypt. And I applauded you scrawny ama-teurs for making it this far." His eye twitches dangerously. "I'd be impressed if it weren't for this little burning rage I got in me after seeing how you folks been treating my precious animals."

"Sorry Chef," Steve says Crypt's jaw tightens like a vice.

"I Ain't Chef! And you folk ain't going nowhere."

He kicks down her crank organ. The lullaby music stops suddenly.

There comes the sound of several dozen guns all being cocked at once. Crypt sneers.

"Do not presume you were allowed in here out of hospitality. Isn't that right Toadette?"

A horde of toads materialize on the mezzanines overlooking either side of the atrium. At their helm is a pink-capped toad with mushroom pigtails and a pink dress. She like all her comrades armed with rubber bullet guns.

"Ha ha! Oh Yay! Yay!"

[Sorry friend! This isn't personal, just business!]

She points her gun at them, all the toads do.

Bruce gulps.

"Any ideas Doc?" He asks the radio.

"Well, good news is there should be a distraction heading in your direction," Olivia says brightly.

"What is it?" Zelda asks.

A second later the doors to the room explode open, in bursts the Outlandish Ordinals, as well as the angry dragon they're desperately clinging to.

"THIS WAS A MISTAKE!" Fry cries.

The dragon lashes around violently, trying to rid itself of the contestants. It lets out a raging torrent of fire from its mouth torching the room, and causing the Toads to scatter.

…

Back in the Study, the Princess lets out a sharp squeak of terror for little subjects.

"Relax, they'll be fine," Daisy says with inflated confidence.

…

"Hell of a distraction doc!" Tenpenny calls over the noise of the room. "Now somebody get that dog!"

"On it!" Penny cries.

She quickly draws a dog whistle and blows into it. All three of Cerberus's heads jerk up and it lunges forward, easily breaking the lock.

"Meet us outside Olivia!" Tenpenny says. "We're on our way."

…

Peach leans over Rodney's shoulder.

"Mr Rodney, please get that fire out before it hurts one of my toads." She says fretfully.

Rodney chuckles. "I assure you dear Princess do harm will come-"

"Now Rodney!"

Rodney clears his throat.

"Of course, who would I be to deny the request of a guest?"

"I'll handle this…" Chris says, with an innocuous press of a button.

…

"They're getting away!" Miko shouts. A finger pointed at the fleeing Supertasks. Most of her own team has been shaken loose of their draconic mount.

"We've got other problems!" Fry says, dodging a column of flames from the dragon, then a hail of rubber bullets by the Toads.

"Any plans to get us out of this one oh Fearless Leader?" Shego quips.

Fry blinks helplessly.

"Uh…. Katara?"

"I don't think I could take all these guys unless I had more water."

A rumbling draws the attention of everyone in the room to the hall opposite the one the Ordinals entered, where a massive wall of water is rapidly approaching.

"That enough?" Meg asks.

"That ought to do it," Katara notes causally.

The flood hits the room, washing nearly everything away. Toads, dragon, and Supertasks alike. Katara braces herself and raises both arms. The water breaks around the Ordinals, they're protected as the flood is redirected around them.

…

"You blew up the Lake Monster tank!?" Daisy cries, looking at Chris with a mix of disbelief and excitement.

"Not what I thought that button did, but it worked didn't it?" Chris says arms folded. "See Princess, your subjects are fine."

Peach gets an eyeful of her waterlogged subjects on screen and makes an ill-contented sound.

…

The Supertasks and their canine prise are washed out the entrance of Crypt's museum in a great rush of water. Much to the surprise of the three getaway drivers waiting outside.

"Well how 'bout that?" Sam says with a whistle. "Not something you see every day eh little buddy?"

"You think they'd have mentioned this in my horoscope today?" Max says. "You fellas still amongst the living?"

He prods Steve with his foot, a geyser of water erupts from the teen's mouth and he sits up coughing.

"Well look at that, they lived," Max says surprised. "Here I thought we'd be down to a team of three for a second there."

The Ordinals emerge from the museum,

"Get that dog!" Miko shouts.

With a great squawk and a heave, Vultureman hurls the hellhound into their van. Shego darts back into the museum and returns a few seconds later, dragging Entrapta by the pigtails.

"Goodbye, Liz! It's been a joy!" She says cheerfully, waving behind her.

"Comrades! Our foes! They're getting away!" Herlock cries returning to his feet. The other Supertasks also coming back to their senses around him.

"Hey! You're trying to steal what we've rightfully stolen man!" Steve says indignantly.

"Not on our watch they won't!" Penny insists.

Alucard pauses halfway through climbing into his team's fan and stares at them now.

"Oh? And just want to plan to do to stop us?" He challenges.

"You're all about to find out what happens to does foolish enough to attempt to stand in our-"

A rubber bullet bounces off his cheek. Alucard jerks his head like a raptor, finding himself staring down the barrel of Crypt's gun.

"You're dead White Boy."

Alucard gives him an amused look.

"I already was, but so be it."

He goes stiff and falls to the ground face forward.

More bullets follow, and One hits Jack as well. Another bounces off Zelda, she lets out a little gasp.

"All is lost!"

Soon place is under a hail storm of them as the Toads come back to their senses.

"We've got everything, what are still sitting here for Captain?!" Guzma shouts.

"Wallace! Make car go fast! Now!" Fry blurts out in a panic.

Wallace sighs and steps on the gas.

The Supertasks take cover behind their van.

"Doc they're getting away, we need you here so we can pursue," Bruce says into the Radio.

"Believe me I'd love to be there Wayne, but all those cutesy little snipers are making it hard."

"Say no more!" Herlock declares.

Suddenly he vaults over the van

"Go friends! Be gone and make haste!"

He picks up a downed toad's rifle and with a great cry of triumph begins firing into the mezzanines.

"Never forget Herlock Sholmes!"

"He really is a bit mad, isn't he?" Penny notes.

"All the best are," Olivia says, jogging over them. "Now, I'd say it's time to leave."

"Right!"

They hope in their van and speed off after the Ordinals. Leaving Herlock to his fate.

Several bullets find their mark, he grunts melodramatically as they strike him, then falls to his knees.

"Devilish fiends! Curse you all I am slain!"

He clutches his chest and seizes up.

"…The rest… is silence."

He flops forward and collapses next to Alucard. Jack looks at them uncertainly.

"What do we do now?"

"Dead humans don't speak child." Alucard grunts from the floor.

"Oh, right," Jack says.

He flops down to the ground next to the other fallen contestants, sticking his tongue out exaggeratedly.

"Princess…" Herlock hisses.

Zelda, who's been standing there uncertain, sits down cross-legged next to them.

"You call that dead?" Alucard asks.

…

The contestants speed off into a Rodney House night, a flashing cityscape of bright billboards and neon lights folds in on them enveloping the freeway their own in a forest of glass and steel, trucks carrying casino advertisements roll past them.

Serving past commuters who only exist for the sake of the challenge Max rams the back of the Ordinals van with his front bumper, they can hear Cerberus agitated barking.

He pulls a megaphone from somewhere unknown.

"Freelance Police! Stop the vehicle!"

"MAKE US!" Shouts Meg.

"You've stolen something from a wanted criminal of the law. Fork it over, and let us steal it instead! Also…"

He turns to Sam.

"Sam we're running a dognapping racket here, and you're a dog, those this count as trafficking?"

"Max little buddy, it's times like these where I try not to think too hard about questions like that," Sam assures him.

A bolt of green energy soars out of the Ordinals van, Max takes a hard right to avoid it, sending his team skidding out of control.

Leaning out the driver's side window Shego laughs.

"So long Coppers!"

"That should buy us some time," Fry says hopefully. "Wallace! How long until we hit the safe house?"

"Should be soon, there's only one complication."

"What?"

"In all the excitement of today, it slipped my mind that I don't actually have a driver's licence."

"WHAT!?"

"Blame Toronto's acceptably efficient public transit. But it's fine, we're gonna make this work."

"You know you're in the wrong lane, right?" Shego demands.

"Who cares!" Miko demands, sticking her head out the window and surveying their surroundings. "So long as Wallace doesn't hit anything, we've got this in the BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Baa?" Shego asks.

A familiar red-eyed black winged creature lands on the hood of their van. Mothman has returned.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
…

The Supertasks have regained their control but not their speed.

"Go on then! Hurry up already!" Penny demands.

"Gee lady I'm already driving as recklessly as I can." Max insists, serving past another vehicle so abruptly they hear it crash into something. He peers into the rear-view mirror and squints.

"Ah criminy, that'll be a headache."

"What's eating you, little buddy?" Sam asks.

"Well, we got good news and bad news," Max says plainly. "Good news the Other Guys seems to have gotten mixed up with some tough customers from back at the zoo."

"What's the bad news?" Elizabeth inquires.

"We're about to do the same," Max says.

Something shoots off their driver's side mirror. The cast turns and sees Crypt and the toads fast gaining on them in a Hummer limousine. Crypt hoists himself out of the sunroof and leaps onto their van. Punching the backdoors so hard they dent inwards.

"Man, Chef really takes his roles seriously huh?" Steve asks.

The glass window of the back door shatters, Crypt reaches through and grabs Steve, putting him in a chokehold.

"STEVE!" Tenpenny yelps.

Crypt snarls at him.

"Guttless street-level thieves like you deserve to be entombed."

"Get your goddamn hands off my buddy!"

Tenpenny slams his fist into Crypt's head, striking the criminal between the eyes. He lets go of Steve, and falls from the van, tumbling onto the road and rolling under the wheels of his own limo.

Steve winces as he gets up.

"Think we're gonna get into trouble for that?"

Tenpenny sniffs indignantly.

"So what? That's why he gets for messing with our crew."

"Thanks man."

"I got you Harrington." Tenpenny turns to Sam and Max. "Now put the pedal to the metal and get us that God. Damn. Dog already!"

…

Ahead of them, panic grips the Ordinals as Mothman punches through their windshield. Cerberus growls furiously

"WHY IS THIS GUY BACK!?" Shego yells.

Mothman thrusts an elongated arm through the windshield, thrilling and gesturing angrily to Miko.

"Miko! I don't think he likes you!" Fry declares helpfully.

"What did I do!?" Miko shouts.

The Mothman shrieks. Miko glares it down.

"Look dude, me and my buds here have a challenge to win, so you can go ahead and BUG OFF!"

A blast of energy knocks the cryptid off their van. The Ordinals find Miko, arm outstretched, the electronic gauntlet from episode one smoking slightly on her wrist.

"How long have you had that!?" Katara gasps. Miko blanches slightly as if she's made some sort of error.

"It's uh… a Pokémon thing?"

"There's no Pokémon tool that looks like that!" Guzma cries. Miko sighs.

"Good to know."

She flashes them all with a blinding light. When it dissipates the other Ordinals and Cerberus look dazed for a moment.

"Uh… The Great Vultureman feels he may have spaced out for a moment." Confesses Vultureman.

"Yeah… I completely forget what was supposed to doing?" Wallace says dreamily.

"Uh, you're supposed to be driving bro," Miko says helpfully.

"Right…" Wallace says.

His eyes go wide.

"SHIT!"

The van clips another car with enough force to send it airborne. The Ordinals cry out in terror as they're sent flying.

The van careens through the air, flipping front over back several times and rolling until it's reduced to a twisted husk of scrap metal.

With a pained groan, the contestants and their stolen prize stagger out of it, seemingly without serious injury.

"AWK! Nice driving, you nearly got us killed!" Vultureman squawks irritably

"I feel like that should have got us killed, Guzma says, mildly confused.

"Are you upset it didn't?" Wallace asks.

The Supertasks van speeds past them, back doors open. Penny blows into a dog whistle (New one mind you, the last one was melted by the water) Cerberus bounds up like a puppy and leaps into the van.

"Thank you!" Chirps Penny.

"That's unfortunate," Entrapta says happily.

The others look at her.

"Something I said?"

…

At an unmarked safehouse nearby the staff are gathered awaiting the contestants. Conner has Jermey propped up in a gurney for support. His poor assistant looking rather dire, bloated and discoloured with illness. Conner places a damp towel on the protrusion of pink flesh that counts as his friend.

"…I'm serious, I'm worried about you big guy."

"Uh, Conner? You mind doing that later, we've still got a challenge to wrap up." Chris says, mildly annoyed.

"My little buddy takes priority over your most recent poorly thought-out challenge Christopher."

"For your information, this challenge like everything to ever come out of my brilliant mind is amazing, and intricately plotted down to the last detail."

"Right. Explain the last three then."

"We didn't forget anything this time!"

"Ah Christopher that does remind me, we did tell the contestants they'd be meeting us here to complete their challenge, didn't we?" Rodney asks. Chris blinks.

"Uh…"

A Supertasks van speeds into the safe house, the doors fly open and out comes Cerberus.

"Well how about that?" Tenpenny says. "Appears we've won."

"That you have!" Chris declares. "The Seismic Supertasks take their first victory!"

The team erupts into cheers. Sam & Max beam, Bruce gives a reserved smile, and even Elizabeth accepts a high five from Steve.

"Good job getting here first and with the heist item," Chris says. "Your reward is one stress-free night of relaxation in the good cabin!"

The Ordinals trudge over, dishevelled from their crash. Chris eyes them gleefully.

"And of course, we have our losers for today! Good news guys, you'll get to enjoy some of Peach's cookies tonight, at elimination."

The Ordinals groan.

"I hate losing," Grunts Guzma.

"Could this suck any more?" Miko demands.

Mothman lands in from of them, the Ordinals cry out in alarm.

The cryptid gestures sporadically, waving its arms around like an impatient retail customer.

"DUDE! Seriously! What do you want!?" Miko demands.

It trills irritably, then sticks a hand in a pocket of its own furry body, searching for a moment before it pulls out something and shows it to her.

"Miko…" Katara says slowly. "…. Are those the shoes you left in the enclosure?"

"Uh…"

Miko blinks at the cryptid.

"Wait… Mothman? Have you just been trying to be a homie this whole time?"

The creature nods emphatically.

Miko laughs in embarrassment.

"Ah man… Sort of embarrassing here. We got you all wrong."

She accepts the shoes awkwardly.

"Sorry about the whole, attacking you thing. We cool?"

She sticks her fist out. They fist bump. Mothman then pounds his chest twice, flashes a peace sign and fades away.

"Has the Mothman always been able to teleport?" Chris asks.

"It seems that he can in my house," Rodney says with a fascinated tone.

Chris shrugs.

"Weird."

Olivia, standing away from the rest of her team furrows her brow and looks past her fellow contestants.

"Conner? What's wrong with your friend."

"Poor Jermey's gotten dreadfully ill," Peach informs her dutifully.

"Yes… and I'm having the damnedest time figuring out why," Conner says distractedly.

Without warning Jermey seizes up and doubles over, he retches and gurgles, making deep guttural sounds even worse than he normally those.

Then his cheeks bulge and he leans back and hacks something out of him with enough force to dent the side of the Supertasks van.

Conner rushes forward to pick it up. Several contestants wince in disgust. The object seems to be a smooth, black stone with arcane symbols engraved into it. Conner cradles it reverently and gives Jeremy a pained expression.

"Sugar Bear say it ain't so?"

"What is it?" Daisy asks curiously.

"It's one of Jermey's gastroliths of destiny," Conner reports. "He coughs one of these suckers up once every five years."

"Oh…" Daisy says slowly. "What's that mean?"

"It's a sign must migrate back to the scared heartland of his kind and replenish his life juices from the mother goo."

"Ew…" Fry says.

Conner looks at his friend stricken, now that he's coughed up his stone Jermey seems to have returned to normal.

"Well, this is terrible. I'm… God I'm honestly upset about this." Conner says. "Jeremy! This means you're going to have to leave the show!"

Jeremy brays sorrowfully.

"What I don't understand is Jeremy coughed one up two years ago. How come you're early sugar bear?" Conner asks.

Olivia discretely tucks some of the food pellets she'd fed Jermey earlier further up her sleeve.

"Well Conner, that is most unfortunate," Rodney says sympathetically.

"Oh, how horrible Conner!" Peach cries.

"Good riddance!" Chris declares.

The other staff turn and give him an accusing look.

"Am I the only one that doesn't like the gross slime monster!?" He shouts.

"Regretfully this also means we'll be down a staff member," Rodney informs him.

"We have like, a ton of toads dude. It'll be fine." Chris insists. "Also, Chef, who needs to come and take these contestants down to the showers. They reek with stress sweat and it's starting to get unbearable standing next to them."

He looks around.

"Anybody seen Chef?"

The supertasks glance at one another awkwardly.

"About that..." Begins Bruce.

"Keep your shirt on I'm coming!"

Chef Hatchet marches into the building, dressed in his normal clothes and looking no surlier than usual.

"Oh, hey Chef, we kind of thought you died," Steve says.

Chef raises an eyebrow.

"Beg your pardon?"

"Last we saw you, you were being run over by your little criminal goons," Max explains cheerfully. Chef gives him a tired look.

"That was Mister Crypt!"

"But-" Penny begins.

"He was one of Rodney's freaky robot people," Chef says. "…and you people messed him up something bad."

He holds up the mangled remnants of the Crypt robot. The Supertasks wince.

"That's news to me. So where were you all day then?" Chris asks.

"Baking." Chef asserts.

"You can bake anytime! We had work."

Chef folds his arms crossly.

"I prefer baking alone. Ain't much fun baking when a certain somebody keeps sampling my goods without asking."

Princess Peach whistles innocently.

…

That night the Ordinals ruefully bring their things out of the good cabin, as the Supertasks move in. The team's spirits are bitter, even rueful, even the normally unflappable Entrapta seems mildly disappointed.

She presses a button on her tape recorder.

"Rodney House: Log 32: Day 4: Hour 17: Failure! Finally, we have had a challenge with some amount of tech. I was enthralled naturally, yet my abilities don't seem to have… helped us somehow. Strange. Awaiting our hosts summon for elimination ceremony. Thought of losing someone unfortunate, though Princess Peach did bake me a tiny cookie last time. Very delicious, must get her recipe.

Team morale has suffered some since last ceremony. Squadron talking amongst themselves in low voices now. Wonder about what?"

She stops her recording and plays it back. Someone approaches.

"Hi Liz," Entrapta says without looking up.

"'Trapta hi there sweetie how are you?" Olivia asks.

"I'm good. Just taking data." Entrapta says. "What's everyone talking about over there?"

Olivia nudges her glasses back into place and makes her tone casual.

"They're talking about who we're going to have to eliminate tonight."

"That's a shame. Who's the unlucky friend?"

Olivia scratches the back of her neck.

"Well, I don't want to be too nosy. It's not my team after all, I'll get accused of spying, but by the sound of it some of the Ordinals were … put out by your performance as their tech guy."

"Oh." Entrapta says.

A moment later the words find their mark within Entrapta's aloft mind, and the girl deflates somewhat.

"Oh…" She repeats.

"I thought it would be kinder if you knew ahead of time," Olivia says. "Believe me, I don't want this either. I like you a lot 'Trapa, we had a lot of fun today."

Entrapta gives a little sigh and looks up at the ceiling.

"That is a shame."

She brightens up slightly and claps her hand.

"It really is incredible the level of magic and technology on display here. This Rodney fellow's a master of the craft. I'd love to have learned more about what he's created. But…"

Quickly as she brightened, she fades again.

"… I guess that won't happen now."

Olivia taps her chin thoughtfully. Pretending to make up a scheme that she's in actuality had thought out for several hours now.

"You know Entrapta… If that's all you care about, I might have a solution for you."

Entrapta's spark returns. She looks up hopefully.

"Really? What?"

…

The Ordinals file into the elimination room, for the first time as a team.

Chris, the Princesses, Rodney, and Conner enter the scene. Chris carrying his plate of cookies, in one hand, A half-eaten cookie in his other. He shoved the rest of it in his mouth and sucks the chocolate off his finger.

"Ah man, I love me a good Cheat Day, and Ordinals you must be pretty happy to be back. It's been a couple days since you've had one of these tasty suckers."

"It was bound to happen," Shego says unsympathetically. "Some people think it's an affront to lose anyone." She side-eyes Katara, who glares back. "…But today it was pretty easy to pick who we're kicking out."

"Do you have to describe it so harshly?" Katara asks.

"Yes!"

Chris chuckles.

"Much as I'd love to draw out your personal turmoil, I'll make this one quick. Seeing as one of our staff members is a little beat up about this one. Isn't that right Rod?"

Rodney nods, the master of the house looking unusually glum.

"You've all cast you're vote and made your decision," Chris tells the Supertasks. "When I call your name and toss you a cookie, you're safe. No cookie means hit the road.

The following contestants are safe:

Vultureman…

Guzma…

Miko…

Wallace…

Jack…

Fry….

Alucard…

Katara…

Shego…

It's down to Meg and Entrapta, Meg casts a slightly awkward glance at Entrapta, who's seemingly returned to her normally bubbly self

"Last cookie of the night goes to….

…

…..

..

…Meg!" Chris declares. "Entrapta! You're out!"

Entrapta bonds out of her chair, her expressive pigtails shrugging for her.

"Ah well… you win some you lose some."

Rodney sighs dejectedly. Peach pats him on the shoulder.

Entrapta scurried over to the squirrel eyes full of innocence.

"Mister Rodney Squirrel! Could you walk me out? I don't know the way back home from here."

"Yes, I'd be happy to Entrapta," Rodney says melancholically.

He takes her by the hand and escorts her through the door to the outside world. Chris slams it behind them.

Rodney sighs once more.

"What's the matter?" Entrapta asks.

"Truthfully my dear Entrapta I'm rather broken up about seeing you leave so soon. I know we've only just met, yet there's much I admire about you. You remind me so strongly of my younger days."

"That makes sense. Liz did say, me, you and her are all kindred spirits."

"Undoubtedly so, I agree. There are so few like-minded people around here, I would have been happy to have you around much longer. Tell me. Did you enjoy my creation at least?"

"Oh! It was wonderful Rodney! Your house is one of the most impressive pieces of technology I've ever seen. Even the First Ones would have been jealous of it."

"You must return someday, I'll give you a proper tour."

"Oh, I'd love to come back one day! Things are peaceful at home now and Hordak would understand if I was gone for a while. Anytime that works I'll be there, and if there's anything I can do for you in the meantime, just ask."

Rodney pauses and looks at her. A sudden thought having emerged in his mind.

He smiles thoughtfully.

"Perhaps there is something you could do for me?"

…

Back in Rodney's study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. He presses mute and turns to the audience.

"So that's our episode for tonight. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it because I didn't.

Chris it seemed finally delivered a half-decent challenge and in doing so threw the stars out of alignment and forced my beloved Jeremy out of the game."

He sighs.

"I'm really torn up about that. 'Conner!' I hear you cry. 'Why get so emotional over the big slime ball?' Well, he's my Slime Ball alright? I don't care if it's weird. He's my little buddy I go travelling everywhere with. It's going to be a real drag around here not having him around. Also despite what McLean says, Jeremy does a lot of work around the place, a thousand toads on hand or not, we're going to have to get someone to replace him. Probably my other old assistant, Jeffrey Sawicki."

Conner groans in displeasure.

"I am… not a happy camper at the thought of that. But que cera cera. Despite my emotional torment, the show must go on, and provided a new assistant doesn't show up tonight I'm sure we'll be forced to deal with the unpleasant consequences of Jeremy's departure, next time! On Total! Drama!-"

The door to the study unlocks. Conner jumps up startled.

"Good evening Conner."

Conner clutches his chest in relief.

"Oh! Rodney… It's just you."

"Conner… Did I overhear you recording an outro?"

"…. No."

"I don't mean to intrude, I merely thought that was one of Christopher's responsibilities."

"Yea- uh… Um. It's not… but I see how you could be confused. Everything's been out of order now that we're short-staffed."

Rodney smiles.

"I may have a solution to that. It seems a new intern has made herself available to stay with us for the rest of production."

He opens the door further.

Entrapta is standing behind him. Her eyes shining with excitement.

Chapter Text

“Last time on Total Drama Homespun,” Chris begins. “Our twenty remaining contestants took a gamble on an odd job, heisting some hard-to-find goods. Delving into the most exotic of wild animal trades and infiltrating the private cryptid zoo of the Rodney House’s greatest crook, Mr. Crypt. Who as it turned out, actually wasn’t Chef in disguise. Could have fooled me.

After letting him mope for an episode over his eliminated girlfriend, the Ordinals captain Fry put on his A-game Unfortunately he’s still Fry, and he’s still a mess. Fortunately for him Entrapta made an even bigger mess of things and put a target on herself, and fortunately for her Conner’s repugnant blob slave had the leave the show, and Entrapta gets to fill his place as Homespun’s newest intern.

How’s she gonna do, and what unprecedently amazing challenge do I have in store for everyone next? You’re about to find out.”

…

The Good Cabin as everyone’s calling been calling it, lives up to the name. It’s a pretty darn good place.

Not obscenely luxuriously like the staff quarters mind you, there’s no butlers or pool decks, but there are comfy beds, two stories, electricity, private bathrooms, even a television with a strange multi-dimensional cable box.

“Look at all of these!” Steve exclaims, flipping through channels on the remote. “There’s like a billion of this friggin things. Back in Hawkins we only had two!”

“Back in Hertfordshire, the very notion of electricity was reserved for academics.” Observes Elizabeth.

“You got to check this out Frank,” Steve says.

Tenpenny doesn’t reply. When Steve looks back behind the couch, he finds his friend deep in thought.

“Hey! Tenpenny! You doing alright?”

“Just thinking,” Tenpenny says.

“What about?” Bruce asks.

“About this team,” Tenpenny says, rising to his feet and looking amongst them. “We doing alright don’t get me wrong but we could be doing better.”

“Better how?” Penny Crayon asks.

“We’re always open to suggestions.” Olivia says.

“Well, the way I see it, only way we’re gonna seriously compete with those other guys is if we get some order around here. By which I mean a captain, Only problem is deciding who?”

“I mean it’s obvious right?” Steve laughs. “You should do it!”

Tenpenny feints surprise. “Me? Nah Steve I’m just a humble beat cop.”

“Cops get shit done man. I’ve seen it back in Hawkins. You’ve been busting your ass all game for this team Tenpenny, you’re a perfect leader.”

“Mr Harrington, may be characteristically blunt in his word but he makes a rather compelling argument,” Elizabeth says. Tenpenny, raises his eyebrow.

“Really Bennet? I figured a woman of your time wouldn’t be open to taking orders from a man of my background?”

Elizabeth smiles coyly. “There are certain business practices of great controversy back in the 19^th century I must say I’m pleased to hear will be discontinued soon.”

She closes her book and regards him pointedly. “My sisters may not be subject to agree, but I’ve been of the opinion to judge on character, regardless of background, and at present I can judge no better character among us as a potential authority.”

Several of the others shout words of encouragement. Tenpenny throws up his hands.

“Hold on now, before we get ahead ourselves let’s do this properly. We’re all basically either Americans or Brits here, so we’re gonna go about this the proper democratic way. Anyone else want to be leader raise your hand.”

“I nominate myself!” Herlock declares. Tenpenny nods.

“Another show of hands who wants Sholmes to be leader?”

Penny, Sam & Max, and Herlock raise their hands.

“Now who wants me?”

Tenpenny himself, Olivia, Steve and Elizabeth raise their hands, a second later with some hesitation so does Bruce and Zelda. Tenpenny nods.

“Very well then. I humbly accepted the responsibility placed on my shoulders.”

He raises a very humble figure indeed as the others congratulate him. All besides Herlock, who stays seated, watching.

The gears in his detective’s brain whirling.

A shrill call of a bugle from outside causes the entire team to wince, stirring Herlock from his thoughts.

…

Both teams emerge onto their steps.

The staff, now sans Jermey and including Entrapta, are waiting for them. Chris, Chef, Daisy and Peach all today dressed as US National Park rangers. Daisy looks rather winded, having just lowered the bugle from her lips.

“Morning campers!” Chris cries chipperly.

“Don’t you mean houseguest?” Jack asks.

“Nope!” Their host says merrily. “Not today. Today will be all about returning to Total Drama’s roots. You’re all going for a nice team bonding camping trip in an American National Park.”

“How tame,” Olivia says.

“Yeah… too tame,” Steve says squinting. “I’m onto you McLean. What’s the weird thing?”

“What weird thing?”

“Dude, there’s always a weird thing about the challenges around here.”

“Oh, that weird thing.” Chris laughs. “Yeah… Come see for yourselves, it’s a good one.”

“Called it,” Steve says quietly.

They’re led out the door of the little island habitat their cabins reside in and through a flowery meadow before an out-of-place wooden doorframe. Once they step through several of them cry out and recoil from the windows.

They’ve entered into a vast circular building of glass and steel. Outside the windows on the slanted ceiling is a cavernous interior of organic red tissue, illuminated by floodlights. The entry building seems suspended in a pit, though walkways lead to flat ‘ground’.

“What is that thing?” Katara asks a gasp.

“This,” Chris says gleefully. “Is the Permian Basin Superorganism. The National Park you’ll be camping in.”

Several contestants look deeply disturbed.

“Called it!” Steve cries.

“Okay, in what universe is this a National Park?” Shego demands.

“Scenic Mystery Flesh Pit National Park is depending on your universe a former United States federally designated national park that operated between 1980 and 2007 or a horror worldbuilding project developed in 2019 by artist Trevor Roberts.” Chris explains.

“I don’t like how casually you dropped the word horror into that,” Wallace notes with a terse sip of his cosmopolitan

“So… this place really existed somewhere?” Meg asks torn between curiosity and disgust. Rodney chortles.

“Well, everything exists somewhere in the multiverse my dear, my own wonders are no exception. But in this case, Christopher asked me to purposely recreate a pre-existing concept, and in my humble opinion I think the House Algorithm has done so expertly. Recreating the defunct park down to the smallest detail.”

Bruce takes a tenuous step towards the windows and looks down. Their little bastion of civilization is suspended over a great fleshy orifice, presumably the titular pit.

“I might regret asking but how far down does the pit go?” Bruce says.

“No one knows,” Chris says. “Also, in case anyone’s wondering where currently hanging in this thing’s mouth.”

Again, half the contestants recoil. Miko though looks strangely relieved.

“Oooooooh. Okay cool. It’s a mouth. I thought it was something different.”

Several people glance at her.

“Miko, you seriously thought we were going to make you camp in a monster’s anus?” Conner asks scandalized.

“Sorta.”

“That’s barbaric! Even by Chris's standards.”

“We’re not going to be digested though, right?” Fry asks. Chris shrugs.

“I mean you never know. It’s a possibility. Might make this challenge interesting.”

“Oh, Chris do stop,” Peach says before giving the contestants a kind look. “I’m sure he’s only teasing.”

“No, I’m being totally for real about that dude,” Chris assures everything. “But seriously, you’ll be fine if you stay on the trails… probably.”

He tosses Fry and Tenpenny each a map of the park.

“Other than that, rules are very simple. This is basically a repeat of the camping challenge in season one. Each team is going to hike out to their camping spot, spend the night, and then report back here at the visitor centre at 6 am tomorrow morning. First team back wins immunity.”

“Already looking forward to it.” Tenpenny smiles.

“Even better news for you Supertasks.” Chris says. “For coming in first yesterday, you get your own transportation to the campground.”

“Yeah, okay!? What’s with that?” Shego demands. “We’ve won twice! How come we never get handouts during the challenge?”

“At least we got to get rid of pigtail girl last night,” Guzma says under his breath.

“Hello!”

He turns around and yelps. Entrapta’s standing behind them smiling.

“AGH! Why’s she back!?” Miko shouts.

“I’m the new intern!” Entrapta says proudly. “Since poor Jeremy had to go home there was an opening! So now I get to stay and keep studying the house and looking after you guys!”

She giggles excitedly.

“’Trapta that’s great news!” Olivia says.

Shego groans and gives Chris a withering look.

“Why must you torture me?”

“Because it amused me, and gets me fame and money,” Chris says pleasantly. “Any more questions?”

“What kind of transport we get?” Asks Tenpenny.

“Over in the real version of the pit they invented a special kind of vehicle called a Venterial Environment Excursion Vehicle or VEEV to get around this place with ease.”

“Yeah?” Steve asks.

“Yeah,” Chris says. “You’re not getting one of those, in fact, if you see any in the park, they’re off-limits. Instead, we’re giving you that beauty! Perfect for a family vacation!”

He gestures outside to where a mid-70s wood-trimmed station wagon laden with a top rack of suitcases is awaiting them.

“Uh Chris, that doesn’t exactly look like the type of vehicle that’d do well down here?” Tenpenny says.

“It isn’t!” Chris laughs. “Oh, and it doesn’t have air conditioning either.”

“Why’s that matter?” Penny asks.

“Because the average temperature down here is 98.6°F with 100% humidity,” Conner tells them.

 Most of the cast groans in dismay. Wallace sips his cosmopolitan blithely.

“That’s 37 degrees Celsius for all us civilized folk.” Chris clarified.

Wallace nearly chokes on his drink.

“Holy hell that’s hot.”

Chris chuckles then tosses him his pack. Chef gives his to the Supertasks.

“Everything you need to survive is in here. Again, you should be fine, just don’t feed the wildlife and if you have any questions, Park Guides Peach and Daisy will be at your beck and call for the entire 24-hour period.”

Peach winces awkwardly. “Oh, Mr McLean. We’ve already promise to help train Entrapta get settled. But I’m sure you’d help our friends if they need anything wouldn’t you?”

“Contestants, you’re on your own!” Chris declares chipperly. “Happy trails campers!”

…

Two things become very clear once the Supertasks hopped in their Station Wagon and embarked.

Firstly, Chris’s sense of humour was worse than they had thought.

Secondly, the trails and pathways of the Mystery Flesh Pit National Park truly weren’t made for the average family vehicle. They’re narrow and winding, clearly artificially cut through the beast. Its red flesh pulses against metal frames in the near darkness. Everything down here is in twilight, scarcely lit but little human bulbs and the car's headlamps. Even by the standards of the rest of the house, It’s an alien environment. Divorced from normal reality. Yet all the same they pass cheerful signage, garbage cans, and discarded water bottles, strange emissaries of normality in this wondrous place.

Through it all the old family Supertask station wagon is trucking along. The car’s radio which they’ve found impossible to turn off has been stuck playing the same song for most of the trip. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls.

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine, yeah

Herlock lip sings along in silent passion, most of the others are quiet. Max finishes a game of tic-tac-toe he was playing on the fogged-up window with Penny then surveys the room.

“Man, am I bored? We there yet?”

“Should be there in just a minute,” Tenpenny says, calling over the radio from the driver's seat. He glances out his side window.

“God damn, would you look at that?”

He gestures to the side of the road where there’s parked a large white vehicle, Two large screws positioned under it in the place of wheels. The words AMBULATOUR INTRAPIT SAFARI are written on the side in large red text.

“Well, would you look at that?” Sam marvels. “It’s one of those Veev thingamajigs we’re not supposed to touch.”

“…and just outside our campsite.” Max adds.

As promised a minute later they pull into the spot they marked. Tenpenny gets out and stretches his legs. The others get busy setting up their gear. Both teams have been given what seemed to be the standard equipment for camping in this strange place. Their interventerial tents (There were two of them) are dodecahedron-shaped to brace against the shifting geobiology of the park and in lieu of a firepit they’ve been given a support pack, with built-in floodlights, a generator and a propane stove.

Unusual as they are, with many hands the gear’s set up in no time.

“Now comes the easy part,” Tenpenny says with a grin. “Kick back and relax until it’s time to drive home tomorrow.” He chuckles to himself. “I think I finally found a challenge I like.”

“Thank God we’re not walking back,” Steve says, fanning his face which is already slick with sweat.

Bruce grimaces. “Don’t speak so soon…”

He flips open the hood of their wagon, smoke has begun billowing out of it.

“Aw Hell, when’d that happen?” Tenpenny says rushing over.

“It’ll still be good tomorrow won’t it?” Penny asks.

“Not unless we can get a new radiator…” Bruce notes.

…

Much later in the day, Wallace throws down the Ordinals' gear then collapses next to them. They’ve finally reached their camp spot in the Southern Bronchial Forest, one of the great lungs of the beast they reside in. The air in here is slightly cooler and much fresher than the rest of the flesh pit, giving the exhausted contestants some slight relief.

“Okay…” Katara says examining their gear with some hesitancy. “I’ll see if I can get this set up.”

“Cool, what should the rest of us do?” Miko asks.

“What do you mean do?” Wallace asks. “We don’t do anything. We sit here and try and recover physically before doing another long walk tomorrow.”

“It wouldn’t have been so long if you people hadn’t spent so long in the gift shop.” Grumbles Shego.

“Gift shop was great, there was a bunch of cool crap and everything was free!” Meg says. Miko eyes her.

“Yo! Megabyte! Whatcha got? Show me the haul.”

Meg’s arms are full of white soda cans with pink labelling. “Coke Heartthrob,” She says merrily. “They’re really good. Want one?”

“Toss one to me!”

Meg throws her one, and Miko catches it and inspects the can.

“Meg this has…. Amniotic ballast in it? The heck is that?”

“Apparently they harvest it from the monster,” Meg says cheerfully.

Miko throws away her can at once, some of the others give a strange look.

“Whoa, hang on. She’s drinking something that’s made from the monster?” Shego says.

Fry shrugs.

“Yeah. So what?”

“I don’t know? It’s disgusting!?”

“Slurm’s made from the juices of a giant monster, and it’s the biggest soda around in the 31^st century.”

Shego stares at him for a second then folds her arms.

“Wow. I didn’t think I could hate you people more than I already did.”

“Come on, don’t be like that Shego,” Fry insists. “Camping’s supposed to be fun, even if it is inside a giant monster.”

“I don’t have fun,” Shego says tersely.

A large bioluminescent bacterium the size of a small deer crawls past their campsite.

“…Especially not here.”

“There’s a thermal bath nearby,” Jack says, reading from a brochure he’d taken from the gift shop. “That sounds like relaxing fun.”

“How does a hot spring work inside a monster?” Guzma asks.

“We could go and find out, maybe there will be signs. Or information in the brochure. When me and my sister Annie go on missions, we’re always given a book from Morgan so we can learn about the place we’re visiting.”

Jack pauses and notices Meg, Katara and Miko giggling.

“He talks like he wants to be one of the big kids.” Snickers Miko.

“Don’t tease him, he’s trying to be grown-up for the team,” Katara says smiling.

Jack sighs.

“Do you want to go to the hot springs or not?”

…

Entrapta and Rosalina have returned to the staff quarters, the same needlessly opulent mansion/resort the contestant had been allowed to stay in the first night. Peach and Daisy return from a changing room, back in their usual gowns.

Peach sighs happily. “There we are. Entrapta are you ready for your tour?”

“Very. Ready.” Entrapta says, tape recorder held aloof.

Peach giggles and leads her through a double door that leads to the staff quarters. There as Entrapta remembered them from the start of the season, ordained in rich mahoganies and lavish marble accents.

“Being an intern is very pleasant work,” Peach says. “Conner says it was worse when it was just Mr. McLean in charge, but Conner has a habit of teasing Mr. McLean so you shouldn’t take him too seriously.”

She opens a door to a shared bedroom, three beds in pink, orange, and cyan, Peach, Daisy, and Rosalina’s usual colours.

“The entirety of this space is Rodney’s experiment,” Rosalina says. “However, our duties aren’t to serve the house, it’s quite self-sufficient. We are here to help with the contest.”

“Our purpose as interns is very simple, we are to be ready to help keep contestants happy and healthy and the games running smoothly, so that this will be a delightfully fun adventure for everyone! That means always being ready for whatever the games require from us.” Peach says dutifully.

“It’s not a lot of work, mostly baking cookies and dressing up in cute costumes,” Daisy tells her.

“That’s nice, but playing dress up isn’t really my thing,” Entrapta says.

“That’s okay, Rosie hasn’t been doing it either, even though she always says she will.”

Rosalina blushes slightly. “I’ve been summoning my celestial courage…”

“We do more than just dress up, as fun as it is,” Peach explains. “We also help plan challenges and keep a watch over them as they happen. Anything truly that our hosts may need from us. Entrapta, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of opportunities to put your computer skills into use.”

“That’d be great! Also, I know the house doesn’t need maintenance. But if there’s anything at all I could give a tune-up too.”

Peach giggles.

“That’s alright Entrapta, we have plenty of volunteers for that sort of thing.”

In the corner of the room theirs a little wooden door with a mushroom symbol carved into it. They duck through it and find themselves in a vast barracks. Hundreds of multilevel bunk beds tower above them. Up and around them scurry Toads in their hundreds. The entirety of Peach’s subjects are running about, busying themselves with one thing or another.

“My beloved little toads have been very helpful so far,” Peach says. “Anything we need many little hands with they’re always happy as ever to volunteer.”

Several toads run up to their princess yiping and cheering like a pack of golden retrievers greeting their master. Peach laughs joylessly.

“Oh, I’m so happy to have them all here with me! We miss one another so dearly when we’re apart.”

A toad with red spots on his cap and a blue vest comes running. He stops short of Peach and salutes.

“Everyone happy and accounted for Princess!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful.”

She turns to Entrapta.

“This is my loyal assistant, Toad.”

Entrapta makes a puzzled expression and scratches her head with her pigtail.

“Ah… I see… No, wait. No I don’t. Is the species called toad, or is it just this one called toad, or are all of them toads, but also named Toad?”

“You got it!” Toad says.

“Oh goodie, I’m terrible with people names, this will make things much easier. So Toad, why do you get to be the special assistant?”

“Communication skills,” Toad says honestly.

A little flash of pink emerges from the crowd next to Toad.

“Entrapta I believe you met Toadette yesterday?” Peach asks.

“Hi there.” The little female toad says, much more bashful today than she was earlier.

“Sorry about going so hard on you during the challenge, I take games very seriously.”

“That’s okay, we had fun.” Entrapta insists cheerfully. Toadette visibly brightens.

Amongst the crowd of toads, a parade of five in khaki adventurer uniforms goes marching past.

“Bravery is very hard at times for my dear little toads. Yet all of them are always trying their best. None more so than Captain Toad and his Toad Brigade. Rosalina could tell you all about their adventures out amongst the stars.”

The Toad Brigade marches past a group of toads carrying spears. They salute each other. The spear carriers do so with slight dejection.

“…No one takes my absences as hard as my poor little Royal Guard. Dear things, I’ve tried to tell them that none of my kidnappings have been their fault. Unfortunately, I don’t think they’ve taken it to heart yet. I find though, my baking can usually lift their spirits for a while.”

Besides the little guards, a yellow-capped toad and a blue-capped toad seem to be in the midst of a spirited conversation held entirely in their own limited dialect.

“Blue and Yellow Toad are dear friends of mine. They’ve gone with the Mario brothers to rescue me on more than one occasion.”

“So many toads…” Entrapta marvels. “I don’t have nearly this many subjects back in Dryl.”

“Ah, good show! Is that the new Princess I hear?”

Toadworth, the old toad they met yesterday has appeared amongst the crowd.

“Pleasure to meet you again my dear. Welcome aboard our humble faculty.”

“Thank you!” Entrapta says shaking his hand. “Wow, everyone’s really personable around here. Back at the Fright Zone, it wasn’t like this, don’t get me wrong everyone was very nice deep down, but they were just very stressed with the workload we had. This is lovely though, very nice subjects Toadstool, especially the moustache one.”

Peach smiles warmly.

“Thank you Entrapta. Toadsworth is a very dear friend of mine.”

The toad beams up at her proudly.

“You flatter me, my dear. I have been the Princess's caretaker for over a quarter century now. It’s been my solemn duty to look after her on behalf of the Mushroom Royal Family since the storks first delivered her to us all those years ago. While I can’t take credit for most of it I am extraordinarily proud of the young woman she’s become.”

Peach’s cheeks flush red and she casts her eyes down humbly.

Toadsworth casts his old eyes to Daisy. “This boisterous young spirit I’ve known nearly as long.”

Daisy laughs.

“I used to drive him nuts as a kid. Said I used to corrupt Peachy.”

Toadsworth’s mustache twitches.

“Well, I… I don’t believe I was ever quite so blunt on the matter.”

“Yeah, you were! That time I stayed over at the castle for a week when we were kids and we got into the kitchen? Man! I thought you were going to set me to Game Over Toady.” Daisy grins. “You remember don’t you Peach?”

“Um yes of course…” Peach says evasively.  “Anyways Entrapta as I was saying-“

“Do the interiors around here change a lot?” Entrapta suddenly wonders aloud.

“Basically,” Daisy says.

“Good to know. I’ll have to be careful where I live thinks. Maybe keep the most important stuff on me.”

“Allow me to help with that.” Peach quickly says, dragging Entrapta away.

Daisy and Toadsworth exchange a look.

…

Warm fluid bubbles in a large bath within a fleshy pod the size of a cathedral. There’re pool towels and bathmats and all the trappings of a normal spa or pool, lying about as well as a couple of private booths, whose purpose seems opaque. The air in here is warmer even than the rest of the creature, with a strange perfume-smelling scene lingering heavy in the air.

Fry takes in a deep breath and lets it out with deep satisfaction.

“Man, nothing beats the smell of nature huh?”

“Nothing about this is natural,” Shego says.

Wallace glances at the bubbling spring, sipping cosmopolitan.

“A nice thermal bath might actually be sort of nice after that long walk…” He considers.

“Take off your clothes and we’ll go for a swim,” Fry says.

“I’d like to know what’s in the water first.”

“Amniotic Ballast.” Jack reads from his brochure.

“Oh, so the same disgusting monster juice Meg keeps drinking?” Shego asks. “Yeah, great. Because this didn’t already seem gross enough.”

“If people bathe in it, then it's gotta be safe to drink,” Meg says.

Jack continues reading.

“People say the ballast has healing and medicinal properties. According to this. ‘The unique chemical properties of the liquid have been shown in clinical studies to mildly reverse cell degradation due to factors such as cancer or aging. Many park visitors report additional benefits of bathing such as decreased joint pain, healthier skin, weight loss and vision improvement.’”

“See!? It’s totally good for you!” She gasps. “Guys! Let’s go for a swim!”

“Heck yeah!” Miko says. “Then she pauses, ah crud, we didn’t bring swimsuits,” Miko says. Meg giggles.

“Who cares!? Let’s skinny dip!”

She starts to lift up her shirt. Shego forces it back down.

“Hard pass.”

“If Alucard was here maybe, But all of you? Especially the kid?” Wallace sips his cocktail. “No thanks.”

“Why would Alucard make this better?” Miko says.

“Have you seen that man’s body?”

Miko considers this.

“Point taken.”

Meg pouts. “Fine, if you don’t want any miracle juice, I’ll keep enjoying my feel-good cola.”

“Okay. How many of those have you had?” Shego demands.

“Five…” Meg says dreamily. “Eight, ten… A dozen! Doesn’t matter! Everyone just makes the world feel that much better!”

She cracks another can. Shego tried to grab it from her.

“Yeah… you’ve had enough of that for today.”

“Bitch! Let go of my happy juice!!” Meg cries.

“Make me!” Shego says. “Hand it over!”

“No!”

“Let go!”

“It’s mine!”

With surprising force, Meg sends a foot into Shego’s shin, the villainess yelps and hops on foot. Before Meg slugs her in the gut, sending Shego backwards into the pool.

“Jack?” Wallace says suddenly, having gone over to another part of the deck. “This looks like a warning sign over here. Are you sure all the ballast’s effects are positive?”

“Let me see…” Jack squints at the brochure. “’ A secondary and infamous property of Amniotic Spring Fluid are the psychoactive and aph…’ Huh?”

“What huh?” Fry asks.

“I don’t know that word,” Jack says

Fry takes the brochure and begins to read, then squints, then his eyes grow wide with alarm.

“What’s it say?” Jack asks.

Fry, already sweating because of the heat suddenly looks even more flushed.

“It’s uh… I’ll tell you when you’re older!”

Miko laughs. “Seriously what’s it say?”

Fry beacons her over and whispers something in her ears. She withdraws blushing.

“Ooooooohhh!” Miko says. “Oh, okay wow! That’s definitely not kid-safe stuff.”

“Oh, I’d definitely take a solo swim with the vampire in that case,” Wallace says. “But being Meg all…” He locks eyes with Jack, then clears his throat. “…In the mood, we’ll call it, is something that’s probably going to be a pain to deal with.”

“Okay! Wait! She might be alright!” Fry says. “Most springs including the ones that are mined for retail purposes are heavily diluted. So she’s not getting the full effects. They’ve got a scale here. The Main Bath is the weakest and the Libido bath is the most potent,” He looks around. “Which bath is this one?”

“That is the Libido Bath man,” Miko says regarding the water with new apprehension.

“That would explain the speakers playing Barry White,” Wallace says.

“I see,” Fry says solemnly. He turns back to the brochure. “They’ve got this yellow line here that says ‘Visitors are encouraged to consult a religious, mystic or uh… Cuddling we’ll say wellness counsellor before entering baths below the yellow line.’ And the Libido Bath’s right at the bottom. There’s all these warnings about overwhelming emotional bonds and dubious consent.”

“Maybe we should go sightseeing somewhere else?” Wallace suggests.

“Good idea!” Miko says, taking the brochure from Fry. “Oh! There’s something here called ‘God’s Mistake’!”

“We’ll head back to the main trail and see what we feel like seeing,” Fry suggests.

They turn and begin making their way up the path that led them here.

“They should have been way more clear on the signs, that bath’s definitely not the place for a team camping trip. Maybe if me and Leela come back though…”

He freezes, someone’s massaging his shoulders.

Fry turns and finds himself face to face with Shego, soaking wet hair hanging in dark sheets over most of her face.

“Oh Shego, it’s you.”

She pulls her hair out of her eyes.

“Hi Fry…”

“Uh hi.”

He turns to keep walking. She resumes running her fingers over his arms. He gives her a look.

“Hey, uh… Everything okay with you?”

“Fantastic…” The villainess purrs. She’s eyeing him with a fondness that’s extremely out of character for her.

“Have I ever said how brave of a captain you are?”

“She’s probably feeling a lot looser and more agreeable since I pushed her in the bath,” Meg says.

“You WHAT!?” Yelps Fry. Shego giggles flirtatiously.

“What do you say we slip away for a while and…”

She whispers something in his ear. Fry blinks.

“Wow… Leela’d never let me do that.”

He shakes his head. “Wait? What am I saying I can’t do anything with you! You’re evil! Which kind of makes you even more hot! But still! My heart belongs to Leela!”

“Ah, forget about your little girlfriend for a while.” Shego coos. “Let’s have some fun!”

Fry pushes her away.

“No thanks!”

“Come on Fry, loosen up a little.” Meg insists.

“You’re bad too!” He shouts, shoving her away as well.

“Crap! Ah CRAP! What do I do about this!? I can’t have you two like this all day! There’s a kid here! It’s actually, really, really messed up!!”

Shego grabs him from behind. “I’m not talking about the stupid kid Fry… I’m talking about you.” She nibbles his ear. Fry cries out like he’s been burned by a stovetop.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t want anything to do with your beautiful sexy body!!!”

 Shego half snorts, half laughs.

“You don’t mean that…”

“It’s weird but I do though! Even though part of me really doesn’t want to mean it.”

He groans.

“Dammit! I need someone to watch over you! Someone I know for sure won't be interested but also isn’t a minor!”

“Are you guys coming or what?”

Wallace Wells has just wandered over to them. Fry stares at him. His teammate raises an eyebrow.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He glances past his captain to Shego.

“Why is she looking at me like that?

…

Some time later the Ordinals march along the trail. At the front of the pack are Jack and Miko. Jack’s been subjected to Fry’s ‘childproofing’ the boy’s entire head wrapped in bandages like a mummy, his red-rimmed glasses placed over them like he’s Claude Rains playing the Invisible Man.

At the very back of the pack a very bitter Wallace is dragging his feet, Shego clinging to him playfully.

“I want you to know how much I hate this.” He tells Fry.

“Just make sure she keeps her clothes on until this wears off,” Fry says.

Shego laughs girlishly.

“Hey Wallace? You know what’s a fun game to play without clothes on?”

She whispers something to him. He looks disgusted.

“How would that even be aloud to air!?”

…

In Rodney’s study Chris sits in a chair facing us, the audience of Total Drama.

“In light of today’s episode we here at Total Drama would like to remind our viewers that the impaired opinions of our contestants do not always reflect those of those who work on the show.

Total Drama officially has not condoned or tolerated relationships or pairings formed without or under dubious consent since 2010… or maybe it was 2013? Whenever it was we stopped answering Sierra’s calls

Point stands, we’re not about that. Remember kids, everything you see here happened to multiversal weirdos in a controlled environment, If YOU happen to be in a giant monster and someone falls in its monster goo and starts talking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Just! Say! No!”

Conner leans into the shot.

“Also, FYI, we’re recording this after the episode wrapped. Jack’s fine if you’re worried about that, Fry seems to have preserved his innocence. We asked him tonight, he’s got zero clue what went down with Shego, Meg, or even any of the Alucard stuff.”

“Actually at the point where we’re going to splice this in they won’t know about the Alucard stuff yet.”

“Ah… well… consider this foreshadowing.”

…

Back at the Ordinal’s camping spot, Katara’s just finished setting up the tent. She takes a step back to survey her work with satisfaction.

“You’ve got the generator backwards,” Guzma says. The Pokémon Trainer has been lying with his arms folded behind his back since then arrived. She frowns at him.

“Maybe you could help then?”

“I’m supervising.” Grunts Guzma.

“You’ve got your eyes closed.”

“I can supervise fine with my ears.” He insists.

Katara grumbles.

A soft chuckling comes from somewhere.

Alucard has fazed through one of the visceral walls of their “forest” startling Katara, Guzma and Vultureman, who was busy pecking at worms on the ground.

“OH, GREAT IT’S THE FREAK!” Squawks the bird.

“Where were you?” Guzma asks.

“Exploring the house. Same place I always go when I’m bored.” Alucard says aloof. “And in this terribly dull game that tends to happen a lot.”

“Why don’t you help your team more often instead of disappearing if you’re so bored?” Guzma asks.

Alucard chortles. “They rarely ever let me use my powers. Even when they do it’s far more enjoyable to watch you worms writhe helplessly. You’re all so pathetic I’m surprised yesterday was the first time we’ve lost.”

“Is there any reason you act like a jerk all the time, Alucard, or were you just a monster from day one?” Katara asks shortly. The vampire brandishes his fangs at her gleefully.

“I am a monster, how kind of you to notice.” He purrs. “But I’m far from the only one here. The Staff and their undying lives, the living doll, that repugnant abomination.”

He gestures to Vultureman who shrieks at him.

“…Even you girl, and your little water powers. You’re all disgusting perversions of the human form, monsters almost as bad as I am.”

He grins wickedly.

“Back in England by the Order of God and Her Majesty, it’s my job to deal with dogs like you.”

“You don’t scare me Alucard,” Katara says flatly.

He leans down so that he’s right in her face.

“You know, I haven’t had a meal since I’ve got here. If I don’t want to desiccate, I’ll have to feast soon.”

“Good thing, we’re in a giant monster, go find some bug or something to snack on.”

Alucard sinks through the floor and disappears. She sighs.

“I may be a jerk, but that guy makes even Big Bad Guzma look nice,” Guzma says.

“He’s a bully,” Katara says. “Just like Shego and a couple of the others.”

Guzma looks slightly impressed. “You’re really not afraid of him?”

“He’s all talk.” She says. “Besides. The staff wouldn’t let someone actually dangerous on the show.”

Though even she says it she looks unconvinced.

…

“Well, here we are in the Mystery Flesh Pit, stuck without a car.” Says Sam, overtly.

“Any luck sir?” Herlock calls to Bruce, who slides out from beneath their crippled Station Wagon. For a billionaire, Bruce Wayne seems quite handy with a wrench.

“Nothing we can do without new parts.”

Princess Zelda who as usual had been silent most of the day suddenly let out a little gasp.

“There are more parts.” She says hushed voice. “The Venterial Environment Excursion Vehicle.”

“But Chris said we couldn’t touch that!” Penny says.

“Chris didn’t say we couldn’t touch it, he just said we couldn’t take it,” Tenpenny says, giving Zelda an appraising look. “As in take the whole damn thing for a spin, he didn’t say nothing about borrowing a piece here or there to patch up the wagon. Smart thinking Your Majesty.”

Zelda nods and blushes slightly. Tenpenny turns to Bruce.

“Wayne, you and I could probably figure out how to take that thing apart. Octavius! Sholmes! Feel like giving us a hand?”

“Of course,” Olivia says.

“Yes sir! My esteemed captain!” Herlock says with relish. “I shall join you in a moment! Allow me to grab us our headlamps from the tent! Penny, would you be a dear?”

“Don’t have much of a reason not to, don’t I?” The school girl says.

Tenpenny, Bruce and Olivia leave the others behind and begin the short walk to the VEEV. They make it all the way there before they realize they’ve got company.

“Princess you don’t need to supervise,” Tenpenny says, turning around to face Zelda. The teen looks up at him awkwardly. Her large green eyes suddenly filled with self-doubt.

“Actually… I had intended to help, dissemble the VEEV.”

“Is that so?” Chortles Olivia. “First Entrapta now you dear? I’m amazed at the amount of princess mechanics running around.”

“Would someone like you… know their way around a car?” Bruce says. “Not to be rude your Highness.”

Zelda swallows and seems to summon some worth. “Actually, back in the old days, I had plenty of experience with ancient Sheikah technology.” She says pointedly. “I know a great deal more than you may think.”

“Good. How ‘bout you get us started then?” Tenpenny offers.

Zelda marches purposely up to the VEEV and opens the hood. She stands there frozen, confidence draining back out of her.

“Yes… Of course…” Zelda murmurs in a hardly audible tone. “Sheikah technology is very different from the world you all seem to come from.”

Olivia nudges her out of the way.

“Why don’t you let the grown-ups handle this sweetie?”

Zelda nods and looks down, blushing once more.

…

Back in camp, Penny waits outside the tent, tapping her foot.

“Honestly… How long does it take to fetch a headlamp?”

“Miss Crayon!”

She looks. Herlock peers out from around a bend, the detective beckoning her over.

“Detective, what are you doing over there?”

As soon as she’s within arms reach Herlock seizes her by the arm.

“AHA! It’s all coming together!”

“Oy!” She yelps. “What’s come over you then!?”

“It’s brilliant my dear!” The detective continues, excited as a schoolboy on the first day of holiday. “Absolutely devilishly brilliant!”

“What is?”

“These machinations I’ve been following my dear! From the very moment, I received an invitation for these games I knew then and there there’d be more to my arrival than just some light merry-makings to my attendance!”

“You don’t say?” Penny muses, utterly confused.

“I’ve been lying in wait, patient as an African panther for a case necessitating my brilliant mind, and now! Now, my dear girl, I’ve already begun narrowing down the culprits before the crime’s even been committed.”

“Hang on, you think someone’s up to something?”

“Yes my dear, and with a heavy heart I must inform you that it will be one of our own compatriots.”

“No!”

She peers back to the camp, where Sam & Max are lounging outside, and Steve and Elizabeth are chatting ideally.

“Who do think it is?”

“I’ve got it down to one or more of the following three, all of whom currently working on alibies by aiding our team. The culprit is some combination of Doctor Octavius, Master Wayne, and the purported officer of the law Frank Tenpenny.”

“The Captain!?” Penny cries surprised. “Come off it! You sure you’re not suspicious of him just because he got the job instead of you?”

Herlock looks deeply scandalized.

“I take utmost offence at the very notion! I assure you Miss Crayon no thought ever crossed my mind!”

“Just saying, Tenpenny’s been a smashing bit of help around here. Helped us win the good cabin yesterday. Those comfy beds are really lovely.”

“Were they? I didn’t notice,” Herlock says airily. “For the sake of security, I’ve procured my own secluded sleeping spot, which I’ve found has been giving me a reliably good night’s rest, without worrying about being attacked in my sleep.”

“Really? Where then?”

“I shan’t say!”

“Is it in the loo?”

“No use trying to worm it out of me, my lips are sealed!” Herlock declares.

“Right, well anyways, we’ll see about the others but you’re going to need serious proof before you accuse Tenpenny of anything before I believe it.”

“I assure you, my dear, when the time’s right I’ll find my evidence. You’ll see soon enough! Sooner or later Herlock Sholmes always gets his man! HA! HA!”

With that, he begins dancing in place. Penny stands there, watching him bewildered.

“I am the only normal person here?”

…

“Glove on or off Entrapta?”

The three princesses, Rosalina, Toad, and Toadsworth are sitting in what looks to be a very cozily decorated café, a table filled with tea and pastries before them. Peach has just brought out a cream-coloured jewellery box. Inside sits a silver bangle on a red cushion.

“Does it matter?” Entrapta wonders. Peach smiles.

“Not necessarily. Some people just don’t find wearing a bracelet over your glove fashionable. May I see one of your hands?”

Entrapta sticks her right arm out. Peach gently places the bangle over the girl’s heavy work glove. As soon as it’s on Entrapta holds it up to her face inquisitively.

“What exactly is the purpose of-Ooooooooooh Woooow!”

She’s pressed the sides of the bracelet, and a holography display has appeared from it, showcasing a list of items.

“This is another invention of Rodney’s one that helped us ever so dearly during my season,” Peach says.

“It is called Hammerspace,” Rosalina explains. “It operates the same way the House does, granting one unlimited personal storage space.”

“Basically, it lets you haul around as many items as you want,” Daisy says. “You can put whatever you want in it, not everyone uses it as literally as Peach.”

Entrapta scrolls through her options, looking ready to overflow with excitement.

“This is an incredible piece of technology! Now I won’t need to waste time grabbing things during lab work!”

“It is meant to help with your work here as an intern,” Rosalina smiles. “But Rodney has said we are welcome to take them home afterward. Peach still has the same one she wore during Endless.”

Peach extends a hand, Entrapta gives it an odd look, then whispers to Daisy who’s sitting next to her.

“Why does she have two?”

Daisy shrugs.

“Don’t know. She likes the change the topic when I bring it up. Maybe it’s Bowser related.”

“What’s Bowser?” Entrapta asks innocently.

Rosalina gives Daisy a look.

“It’s alright Rosie.” Peach insists, placing a hand on her Goddess friend’s arm. “It was bound to come up, at some point.”

She looks to Entrapta.

“Bowser is the King of another kingdom back home. One that has given me and my pour toads some trouble.”

“Invasions?” Entrapta asks. The others nod. “I thought so,” She says. “When went through a phase of those lately back on Etheria.”

“That mean old Koopa’s kidnaped The Princess twelve times!” Toad cries.

“Well, that just seems obsessive.” Entrapta muses.

“Yeah, because Bowser’s completely obsessed with Peach!”

Peach rolls her eyes and smiles faintly.

“I’m afraid Bowser has decided some time ago I’d be his perfect bride, and he’s not very interested in what I have to say on the matter. Luckily my dear friend Mario’s been so kind as to fend him off, but we’ll be more prepared next time. So, I’m very happy to declare those days spent in the Koopa castle’s dungeon are behind me, and we can look back and have ourselves a little laugh about it.”

“You make it sound so silly in hindsight,” Toad says.

“But that’s all it ever was, silly.”

She giggles sweetly and pours herself some more tea, The Princess looking like she’s sincerely amused herself.

“I mean Bowser, so cruel and angry in his big dark castle,”

She raises her cup to her lips.

“Can you imagine falling in love with someone like that?”

“How come you never gave him a chance?” Entrapta asks.

Peach inhales the dainty little china cup she was drinking from. She shoots backwards out of her chair, choking violently. Daisy leaps up and gives her the Heimlich, Peach making guttural noises until at last the cup sails out of her mouth, landing on a tray of cookies on the table.

She wipes her mouth at stares at Entrapta mortified.

“A chance!!?”

“Maybe he’s really nice deep down.”

“Bowser!?” Peach shouts hoarsely. “Nice!?”

“Miss Entrapta, The Koopa King is a vile and evil spirit that’s been a persistent threat to our sacred peace and stability,” Toadsworth says severely.

“Well that’s what everyone said about Hordak too, but I think he’s a very sweet guy, and even though I wasn’t really looking for a boyfriend, the two of us are very happy together.” Entrapta pleads. “Maybe if you just got to know Bowser-“

“I don’t want to get to know him!” Peach snarls. “I don’t ever want to see him again! He’s a horrible, disgusting, barbarian! I don’t care how many times he kidnaps me, I will never! NEVER LOVE THAT BRUTE! How dare he think I’d ever so much as like him after what he’s done to our Kingdom! He’s the second worst creature I’ve EVER-“

“Second worst?” Entrapta asks innocently. “Who’s the first then?”

Peach freezes for a moment, something resembling fear in her expression. She shuts her eyes, and lets out a long-drawn-out breath, her posture relaxes.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.” She says in a much calmer voice. “I’m sorry for yelling Entrapta. You’re new, you didn’t mean any harm.”

“Oh that’s alright, people used to yell at me all the time back in the Fright Zone,” Entrapta says cheerfully.

There’s a bit of an awkward silence.

“It’s getting late. I’ll have to start putting the toads to bed.” Peach says suddenly.

“Bed? It’s not that late though?” Entrapta laughs.

Daisy gives her a wry look.

“You got any idea how long it takes to kiss a thousand toads goodnight?”

…

It’s getting towards evening (Though of course, the lighting inside the Flesh Pit doesn’t change) by the time the Ordinals all reconvene at their campsite.

“What happened to you guys?” Katara asks, getting an eyeful of Shego and Meg, as well as Jack and his childproofing.

“There was kind of an incident at the hot springs.”

“What kind?”

Miko whispers into her ear. Katara blushes.

“I see…” She says slowly.

“At least Shego’s having a nice time,” Fry says.

“To nice some would argue,” Wallace says shortly. Shego still bouncing around him like a ferret in heat.

“You’re a funny man Mr. Wells! Maybe later we should get to know each other better.”

“Ma’am I am very gay!” Wallace says firmly.

“Ah… You don’t know that for sure!”

“I have never been so sure of that as I am tonight!”

Shego runs her tongue over her lips. “How can you know you don’t like girls until you’ve tried one?”

Wallace locks eyes with Fry.

“Help. Me.” He says through gritted teeth.

“You’re doing a great job, just watch over her until the challenge is done.”

Wallace gives him a look of grave offence and gestures to Shego. “I am not comfortable going to sleep around this thing!”

“I don’t think I am either,” Katara admits.

“What do want me to do about her?” Fry demands.

“We could tie her in up with rope until she’s calmed down to keep her from getting handsy,” Miko suggests.

“I’m very on board with that idea,” Wallace says.

“Getting tied up sounds fun.” Shego snickers.

“Alright! If everyone’s in agreement we’ll do it.” Fry relents. “As for Meg, you seem less weird than Shego.”

“Oh, I’m definitely not where she is.” Meg clarified.

“Can you function?”

“I guess, just hard to think straight.”

“Is this something you could… I don’t know… solve alone?”

She grins awkwardly and blushes.

“Alright…” Fry draws himself to “Meg go… do what you need to do.”

“Is that an order?”

“That’s Captain’s orders! Go make God cry! Just do it far enough that we can’t hear you!”

“Ay-Ay Captian!”

Salutes him, then scampers off.

Guzma looks up to the ceiling in disgust.

“This team’s a disgrace.”

“This team is not a disgrace,” Insists Katara. “We’re just having an off day, now Guzma would you care to help cook dinner or would you rather ‘Supervise’ again?”

“You two weren’t fighting while we were away, were you?” Fry asks with a note of concern.

“Not really. Alucard’s the real problem.” Katara admits.

“How’s he a problem? he’s a vampire! He’s like the strongest guy on the team!” Miko insists.

“Let’s just worry about dinner,” Katara says. “There’s rope in the tent if someone wants to deal with Shego.”

“Where is Shego?” Miko asks looking around.

“Wait she’s gone?” Fry says surprised. “She was just there a second ago? Wallace, what happened?”

“Maybe she’s taking a page from Meg and is ‘Making God cry’ as you put it,” Wallace says dryly.

“Ewww,” Fry says. Then pauses. “Actually wait,” He pauses a second time. “No, my mistake, I’m on board with that visual. Let me double-check to be sure.”

His eyes drift into the middle distance as if he were watching something in his mind's eye.

“Gosh, she’s hot.”

Wallace gives a reproachful look.

“Is there a word that means the opposite of bonding? Because we’re doing a lot of that right now.”

“I mean Wallace, I know you’re gay but you gotta admit she-OW!”

Fry yelps, Katara’s just smacked him across the back of the head with a water whip.

“Stop talking about Shego!” She snaps. “I don’t care where she is or what she’s doing, so long as she’s not getting into any more trouble it’s fine!”

Three sounds follow each other in rapid succession. A loud laugh from Shego, a scream of horror from Meg, and the shriek of something that sounds very large, and decided inhuman.

“You were saying?” Guzma asks.

Katara buries her face in her hands.

…

As they found when they arrived The Bronchial Forest is extremely difficult to navigate, and being inside it is less like the woods and more what it would be like a vast pink sponge. The Permian Basin Superorganism’s lungs are near an endless maze of interconnected tubes and crevasses, or mucosal folds, as park signage pleasantly put them. The team weaves in up and around the vertical mucus-coated. Meg and Shego’s voices oscillating between sounding closer and farther away.

When they finally find them, the two women are in a pit several metres below the ledge they’ve emerged onto two. Meg frozen in fear, Shego waves to them dimly, the stronger hit of aphrodisiacs she took keeping her carefree.

“Oh! Hey… It’s you guys, come join the party! We made some friends.”

“Meg! Are you okay?” Katara shouts down.

Meg shakes her head and points to the darkness. Her teammates shine their flashlights to where she’s pointed and instantly regret it.

The light illuminated A pale two-limbed arthropod, clicking its mandibles agitatedly and waving four fern-like antennae. It looks like a shrimp or a zooplankton, the sort of tiny creatures you’d expect to see at the bottom of an oceanic food chain.

Only the creature next to Meg isn’t tiny, not in the slightest.

It’s about the size of a bus.

“What in the name of Arceus are those?” Guzma asks in a hoarse whisper.

“Hey uh, Jack?” Miko asks. “You read through some of the brochures. Did they say what the biggest monster in this big monster is?”

Jack’s voice comes through the bandages in a muffled shout.

“Abyssal Copepod. The Wildlife Safety guide said they’re deeply aggressive, highly dangerous predators best to be avoided at all costs.”

“Good to know.”

“What’s going on? Did someone see one?”

“Ah, maybe don’t worry about it.”

“Fry now’d be a great time for a plan,” Katara says.

Fry merely whimpers in fright.

They hear another strange noise, then Alucard is there next to them, rising out of the ground.

“Allow me to attend to this.” He says, voice like silk. “I’ve been hungry for an opportunity like this all week.”

He grins down the creatures and draws his massive sidearm.

“Show me your worst you dog.”

He fires, and strikes the nearest copepod, it howls in hate and agony and charges the vampire.

Alucard fires several more times, blowing chucks of flesh off the creature, but it’s not enough to slow it down. The 8-metre beast sinks its mandibles into his chest. The others gasp in horror as it thrashes him about and flings Alucard backwards. Their strongest teammate reduced to a mangled body in seconds.

A moment of stunted stunned silence before Wallace groans loudly.

“Goddammit! Now what am I supposed to use for eye candy!?”

There comes a loud chuckle, echoing more than the soft walls should allow. Something’s happens to Alucard’s body, his corpse dissolves into black shadow. Red eyes pierce the dark form and it rises back up. The vampire’s body flowing back together again, red overcoat and dark suit mending themselves.

Alucard looks back at his team over his shoulder then sneers at the giant arthropod.

“Not bad, but let me show you what real power looks like!”

Then moving faster than anyone can keep track he charges the creature, single hand outstretched, it plunges seamlessly into the copepod’s chitinous exoskeleton and Alucard tears it in half.

His team watches on with the same stunted expressions they wore yesterday when Miko had wiped their memories. Alucard hunches over the dead monster, doubled over with laughter.

“Finally! The rich sent of Death! It’s been so damn boring these past five days! At last, I have monsters I can enjoy sending back to hell!”

The other copepods below begin chittering, and Meg screams again. Alucard’s head jerks up, His blood-red eyes flood with elation.

“This worthless piece of shit died faster than I’d liked it to, let’s see if it’s friends last any longer!”

He sweeps past the other Ordinals and leaps into battle. The team turns and watches, still rooted to their spot.

“Man… Bro’s been really holding out on us until now, hasn’t he?” Miko asks.

The others nod stiffly.

…

In Rodney’s study, Chris, Chef, Conner and Rodney watch Alucard tear hell through the Mystery Flesh Pit’s biosphere. The vampire less something tangible in his carnage and more a force of nature. His body contouring in an amorphic mass of red eyes and canid fangs as he devours copepod after copepod.

“Hey? Hey McLean?” Conner asks nonchalantly. “Remember when I said bringing a vampire would be dangerous and reckless? Good times huh?”

“Dude, I didn’t think the monsters were gonna be this violent!”

“Which ones? The hellbeasts living in the flesh pit you stuck the contestants in or good old No Life King you tossed into the game as one of their teammates.”

“Normally I have a decent track record with subjecting my casts to dangerous wildlife and psychotic cast members without getting too bloody, But I mean look at this!”

Chris points to the field of red on the screen.

“Even the walls are bleeding dude! The censors are gonna flip!”

“Chris enlighten me,” Conner asks. “What was it about the giant eldritch monster park that attracted you to do an episode of your somehow still concerned family-friendly show inside it? Was it the fact it woke up and digested everyone in its home reality that drew you in, or was it the fact that the main draw while it was active was the pits filled with sex juice that really grabbed you?”

Chris side-eyes him. “It’s other people's jobs to do the research, besides! This isn’t even the real park! It’s supposed to be a dumbed-down recreation of part of it.”

“Yes, Christopher. About that…” Rodney injects somewhat awkwardly. “I seem to recall you being insistent on us being as faithful in our adaptation as possible earlier, with palpable danger being a particularly strong emphasis.”

Chris gives him a look.

“Wait? Rodney? Did you build the entire monster!?”

“I did find it odd you wanted all 30 kilometres of the beast since the park only occupied a tiny portion of it, but you were quite insistent last night on the full package as it were.”

Chris turns to the screen at a loss. Then laughs awkwardly.

“Okay, I might have to change the script here slightly.”

…

None of the other Ordinals have yet to find an appropriate response to Alucard’s rampage. Wildly different emotions colour their faces as they all stand huddled together and silent like a mob of meerkats facing down a cobra. The vampire continues his rampage uninterrupted. More copepods attracted by the sound and scent of death continue arrival and are quickly feasted on by Alucard, his violence tearing chunks of meat from the walls of the flesh pit itself, those too he quickly devours.

A four-tone note draws their attention. They look around, the voice of Chris begins booming from the heavens.

“Alright Campers… Seems you some of you broke my rule about staying on the paths, not cool dudes.

Because of this mistake that was definitely a hundred percent your fault and I am in no way to blame for, the calls been made to close the park, meaning we’ll be wrapping up this challenge a little early.”

“We’re kind of in the middle of something here dude!” Miko shouts.

“That’s a real shame. Anyway, the race starts now campers!

First one back to the Visitors Center wins immunity.”

“Now!?” Fry cries up to the voice. “We’re not ready!”

The four-note plays again, ending the message.

“It’s cool we got this,” Miko says.

“How?” Wallace asks. “We’ve got an incredibly hot vampire on a rampage, and an incredibly horny bitch that won’t listen to save her life!”

Shego pounces on him.

“There you are! Are you up for some fun yet?”

“I only! Have sex! With men!” Wallace shouts shoving her off him.

“Alucard! Time to go!” Katara shouts. The vampire cackles.

“You’re joking right!? This is the only fun I’ve had all season!”

“I’d be interested in fun!” Shego says, making to start undressing herself, forcing Guzma and Miko to wrestle her hands away from the top button of her jumpsuit.

“Shego! Alucard! No joking around, it’s time to move!” Katara says again.

“I really hope the other guys are having this much trouble.” Fry moans.

They hear the roar of an engine, just then a vehicle comes roaring past them, It’s the Supertasks in their Station Wagon, now heavily modified from parts off the VEEV. It rolls past, now perfect at home in this fleshy environment, the Supertasks grin at them out the windows.

“Hi, guys!” Penny calls. “Bye, guys!”

Her voice fades as the other team speeds away.

…

Unsurprisingly by the time The Ordinals reign in their unruly teammates and trudge back to the Lower Visitor Center on foot, the Supertasks are already there celebrating.

“This isn’t fair! They cheated!” Guzma roars.

“Chris never said we couldn’t modify the wagon.” Olivia insists innocently.

“That I did not,” Chris agrees. “Ordinals! You’ll never guess but you’ve…”

“…Lost. We know.” Guzma growls.

…

Once they’ve returned to their cabin, Shego’s locked in the communal bathroom by Miko and Vultureman and forced to dunk her head in a bath full of cold water. Thirty minutes of being waterboarded by a hyper Japanese gamer and a shrieking bird demon seems to work the lust out of Shego, and she falls back into her usual surly mood, made worse than usual by a pounding headache.

The rest of her team is hardly in better spirits. Most of them, sitting on their beds, unmotivated to do anything besides joylessly wait to be called to the night’s elimination ceremony.

“Somehow I feel this is all my fault.” Fry mopes.

“Correct,” Guzma says.

“Fry, of all the people to blame for today you’re hardly one of them,” Katara says in a consolatory tone.

Shego gives the girl a look, picking up on the other implications hidden in her inflection.

“If Captain Moron’s not the problem who do you blame then huh, Katara?

“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I make it sound that way?” Katara asks fluttering her eyelashes in mock innocence. “Must have lost control of my impulse there for sec.”

“Meg basically drugs me and I’m the one people are pointing fingers at?” Shego growls.

“Meg is my friend.” Katara insists.

“Good for you two! No one cares!” Guzma says. Katara glares at him.

“It’s not our fault you don’t have friends.”

“This is a competition!” Guzma snaps. “Friendships don’t matter! Looking out for the team and making smart decisions is what matters,”

 He turns to glare at Alucard. “Instead, I’m stuck on this deadbeat team with freaks like this!”

“Am I not proving to be a valuable ally?” He asks in a mocking tone. “How tragic! I’ll try not to lose sleep over it.”

“Save your breath!” Guzma says, undaunted by the vampire’s piercing glare. “You’re just as bad as Griffin is! Five days of sitting there worthless, then the moment you decide to do something you go on a rampage! At least our other monster helps out once and a while!”

Vultureman squawks with indignation. Alucard tilts his head back and laughs before grinning dangerously.

“I’m not to blame if the miserable dogs running the game are afraid of my power! You don’t like it, maybe you’re the one we should consider getting rid of.”

“Meg first then Drac!” Shego insists.

“I can go home if that’s what people want,” Meg says diplomatically.

“Guys stop!” Fry cries. Everyone goes quiet and looks at him.

“This can’t happen! We can’t fight like this!”

“Did you hear what Shego-“ Katara begins, Fry cuts her off.

“It doesn’t matter what anyone said! We’re a team! We're supposed to work together! I know losing hurts, but maybe if we stop fighting for a moment we can remember that we’re all teammates, and we like each other.”

Fry’s brief speech is followed by about ten seconds of silence, before the Ordinals resume arguing, this time far louder.

…

 A little while later the ten Ordinals file into the Elimination room bitterly.

“Ordinals…” Chris begins, sounding obnoxiously happy about all this. “That was quite the show today. I’d ask where it went wrong, but I think the real question is where did it go right?”

He laughs heartily at his own joke.

“After today, you guys are gonna need some serious counselling. Fortunately, today you all get the opportunity to peg the blame on somebody, so try and enjoy yourself, because sooner or later you’ll be back here. After all, at only two of you will be left by the finale. Or one of you, or none.” He shrugs. “Maybe you’ll all be pathetically obliterated by mid-game and we’ll have an all Supertasks semi-finales. I’m open to anything really. So long as your mental breakdowns are entertaining feel free to have them however you want!”

He chuckles to himself. Peach gives him a dark look.

“Only joking people.” He insists. “Or at least, I am as far as you know. Now enough beating around the bush! Let’s start narrowing the roster, shall we?”

Entrapta, Daisy and Peach begin making the rounds, passing out chocolate chip cookies and in Peach’s case, words of encouragement.

“Fry,

Jack,

Katara,

Miko,

Wallace,

And Vultureman! You should all be holding a cookie right now.” Chris informs them. “None of received any votes, so you’re all safe.”

He turns to the remaining four.

“Alucard, Shego, Meg and Guzma. Seems like you guys all made enemies today. One of you’s going home but it won’t be…”

The Princesses hand him their remaining cookies and he tosses two out.

“Alucard! Or Meg! You’re both safe!”

“What?” Guzma barks. “Way am I in the bottom two?! I’ve been a model player!”

“Yeah… no you haven’t,” Miko says. Guzma gives her a look of disbelief.

“Guzma! Shego!” Chris announced.

“One of you’s about to go home, and that person is…

…

…

…

…

…To be determined.” Chris cries. “It’s a tie vote! Probably because Jack summited a blank vote.”

Guzma and Shego turn to glare at the boy.

“I didn’t see what happened today, it didn’t seem fair,” He insists.

“Well, now what happens?” Guzma asks.

“While I’d love to make you do some giant dangerous tie-breaker challenge, having a tie this early kind of sort of threw me for a loop, and I couldn’t think of one in time,” Chris says. “So instead, heaven help us, we’re going to borrow the tie-breaker from Endless.”

“What’s that?”

“You start by picking a number,” Conner says.

“Four Thousand,” Guzma says.

“Negative Eight,” Shego says.

Conner turns. “Chris, what number we’re you thinking of?”

“Seventy-Nine,”

“Wonderful. Shego’s closest, Guzma’s out,” Conner says.

Shego smirks, Guzma looks disgusted, almost as much as Wallace and Katara do. The Pokémon Trainer rises to his feet.

“Unbelievable…”

“Guzma, you’re exit awaits,” Chris says pleasantly.

“I’m aware, thanks. I’m sure my real team’s missing me back in Alola,”

He turns and walks out. Slamming the door behind him. The light on his portrait goes out.

…

“Three cheers for the new captain!”

The Supertasks have returned victoriously to their Good Cabin. Steve has his cup in the air leading a shower of praise towards Tenpenny. The Officer receives it with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah, I’m pretty goddamn great.” He admits. “But Hell, I’ve got a goddamn great team behind me. Good work out there folks, especially with that trick with the car. Princess nice going.”

Zelda looks up surprised as the team claps for her modestly.

“…Course…” Tenpenny continues. “It was Wayne and Octavius and myself that did the actual heavy lifting, so I think some recognitions due there as well.”

Much stronger applause greats Bruce and Olivia. Zelda’s shoulders slump downward.

“Alright!” He calls over the noise. “Enough partying. Get your asses to bed! It’s late and I want us rested tomorrow!”

“You did excellently today Captain Tenpenny.” Elizabeth Bennet says as she turns to retire for the evening.

“Much obliged,” Tenpenny says with a smile.

As his team streams happily into their warm beds, He pauses to glance out the window. He sees the Ordinals returning from elimination, all miserable.

Shego discretely looks up at him.

She nods.

He nods back.

…

Half an hour later when everyone’s in bed, the two of them met behind the Supertask’s cabin.

“What seems to be the problem stranger?” Tenpenny asks coyly.

“The problem is I’m getting sick of waiting.” Shego growls in a low voice. “First night here, you quote on quote saved me from getting kicked, and said you’d want to talk in a couple days. Any of that ring a bell?”

“I might remember that yeah…” Says Tenpenny, folding his arms and leaning against the cabin boredly. “You gettin’ impatient?”

“Skip the gloating because I don’t have time for it,” She snaps. “Whatever sort of secret alliance, master and henchwoman thing, situation, whatever you want to call it. I’m in okay? I’ll do whatever you want, just start making it happen and fast.”

Tenpenny’s eyes flash sinisterly.

“Alright then… here’s the plan, we team up and take turns running the votes, tomorrow you sabotage your team and pin the blame on somebody I want gone, get them kicked off early, next day, I do the same and you tell me which Supertask you’d like to throw under the bus, day after that we switch back to the Ordinals.

We keep doing that ‘til they dissolve the teams, then we pick off anyone left. Won’t even matter if we’re fond out doing it, we’ll be too powerful to stop by then.”

Shego thinks it over, smiling of her own accord for the first time all day.

“Yeah… Yeah. That could actually work. You know I’m used to my usual boss coming up with schemes that blow up in his face but you…”

She trails off, Tenpenny’s laughing at her.

“Motherfucker, how dumb do you think I am?”

She gives him a blank look.

“So… we’re not using that plan?”

He sneers at her. “You think that stupid ass plan’s a good idea!? Think the best option is to walk around here with a giant fucking target on our back? Seems like you’ve already got one over on the Ordinals! How’s that working for you? Feel in control Shego?”

“It’s not my fault I keep getting targeted!”

“Isn’t it? Maybe it’d stop happening if you were such a bitch all the time?”

Shego seizes him by the collar and pins him to the wall of the cabin.

“You promised me an alliance!”

“I told you, you owed me a conversation.” Tenpenny clarifies, undaunted by her show of force. “I considered offering an alliance but so far, you haven’t exactly convinced me it’d be worth my time.”

“Give me a break! It’s only been five days!”

“And what’ve you been doing all that time? Nothing. You’re in the same spot you were day one. You want to know what I got done since we started? I got the captain kicked out, then sat by like a fucking boy scout being all nice and goddamn helpful while the chaos sorted itself out. By the time I suggested we get a new captain, they voted me in without me having to say a single fucking word about it.

We’ve been here just under a week and already I’m the motherfucking king. I own my team Shego! Yours is looking for excuses to kick you out, and you’re giving them plenty.”

“They’re a bunch of insufferably goody two-shoes! What do you want me to do!? Pretend to be their friend and start kissing up to them. Not my style!”

“Well, you better find something that works soon, or else you’ll be gone and I won’t save your sorry ass. Not until you’ve proved you can be useful to me.”

Shego seems to weigh her options unhappy.

“Ugh. Fine. I’ll figure out a way to stay in the game,” She insists. “I’m just not kissing anyone’s butt to do it.”

“Look I’ll tell you what? I see you make it to the merge, I’ll consider you having proved your worth, and I’ll let you into my little kingdom I got.”

“That’s a promise?”

“Sure, why the hell not? You got my guarantee.”

He offers her a hand, she takes it hesitantly. Then turns to leave.

“See you at the merge.”

“We’ll see about that,” Tenpenny says.

“It’ll happen!”

“For you’re sake I hope it does, and Shego!”

He calls after her as she leaves.

“I enjoyed our little chat, sociable son of a bitch I am, I say we should do it again sometime. You ever need advice on those fuckin’ Ordinals don’t be a stranger.”

“Won’t your team get suspicious?”

Tenpenny scoffs.

“Of what? Talking to the competition? Shit… Since when’s that been a problem?

Besides I got alibis, whole fucking team trusts my every goddamn word. Wouldn’t exactly be rational to be pointing fingers at me now would it?”

With that, they disperse, their quiet deal made in presumed confidentiality.

Tenpenny’s right of course. One would have to be a certain level of irrational to scheme against him.

The same level of irrationality perhaps that would cause a man to decide the best place to find a quiet place to sleep in his cabin was on its roof.

Sure enough, high above the two conspirators, Herlock Sholmes grins broadly to himself.

His crime and his culprits had at last fallen into his lap.

…

Back in Rodney’s study, Chris surveys the scene.

“Well, that was certainly unexpected!”

Chris clasps his hands together happily.

“On that note, we wrap another very memorable episode-”

…

At some point later in Rodney’s study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him.  He presses mute and turns to the audience.

“Aha! Almost thought I was going to let him get away with it didn’t you? Well, you thought wrong, I was merely toying with your emotions before plunging you into the depths of chaos and deception, just like today’s episode.”

He pauses.

“That analogue might be stretched a little thin but it’s what I’m going with.

What a show we had today folks. As always Chris inferior host he is can never seem to grasp what he’s working with here in the Rodney House, that’s a sample of this season I’m truly never going to get tired of. Everything else, however, well that was a little topsy-turvy. The Supertasks have gotten their act together and Ordinals it seems can no longer hope to get by on good vibes and a can-do attitude. Some strategy is in order for the Ordinals and it seems like Shego’s the one taking initiative which could be bad for the others. Can the others catch up, and can Tenpenny keep his secret dealings under wraps now that the most famous detective in fiction is on to him?

I’d love to tell you truthfully, but thing is that’s all in the future, and even I don’t know what happens over there.

Looks like we’ll just have to find out together, next time, on Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter Text

“Last time on Total Drama Homespun,” Chris begins. “Nineteen houseguests, one giant flesh monster! A combination that makes for a killer camping trip. The Ordinals hoofed it on foot and got a little hot and bothered, while the Supertasks hit the road, and skirted the rules a little by fixing their family camper van with pieces of a vehicle I told them was off limits. Kinda cheating if you ask me, but I’m not going to worry. Also, on my things not worth being concerned about, it seems Alucard’s got a little bit of a supercharge from all those monsters he ate. I’m sure we’ll be able to handle it.

Today’s episode the contestants definitely won’t be able to handle! Dare I say? Things are about to get cataclysmic!”

….

There’s a new morning ritual starting to take shape in the Rodney House.

For the second day in a row, Entrapta was helping Chef serve breakfast, at least nominally that’s what was intended to be happening.

In actuality, she’s lost herself in the excitement of catching up with her new friend, Olivia Octavius.

“…Rodney says I’m a natural with the house!” She says, excitedly spooning a dollop of oatmeal onto her friend’s plate. “He had me help program today’s challenge and he was so impressed.”

“Oh good for you, ‘Trapa!” Olivia says smiling sweetly. “I knew you’d be great at this job, with that big brain of yours.”

Entrapta half laughs, half snorts.

“How’s the rest of the staff? The other Princesses treating you well?”

“They’re nice! They’d fit right in back home on Etheria. Lovely bunch, oh and Chris is munch kinder as a co-worker than a host.”

“That’s debatable.” Chef grunts.

“How are things on the team?” Entrapta asks. “Congratulations on winning again yesterday.”

“Oh, thanks! Everyone’s really excited about that. Well, I mean… your team isn’t.”

She casts her eyes to the opposing team, all looking almost comically forlorn, then chuckles and adjusts the octagonal rims of her glasses.

“Obviously they’re still getting used to losing, but for us Supertasks victory couldn’t be sweeter. Morale’s up across the team. Even Herlock’s more excitable than he usually is.”

On the other side of the room, Penny Crayon gets up from one of the cafeteria tables, returning her tray after a rather substanceless helping of Chef’s cuisine.

Suddenly she’s nearly knocked off her feet. Her team’s resident 19^th century detective has all but pounced on her.

“AHA! Penny my dear! It’s all come together!!”

“Oy!” She squeals, tray crashing to the floor. “Have a little respect for personal boundaries, will you!? Had they not invented them in your time then?”

“I apologize!” Herlock says quickly, retreating to a respectable distance. “That was unprofessional. And yet I must press upon you the monumentality of what’s transpired.” He grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her like a ragdoll, excitedly.

“My Brillance! Miss Crayon! My staggering genius! Don’t you see!? It’s all come together as I said it would!”

“Hang on…” Penny says, catching up to the source of the detective’s mania. “This is about that big secret mystery you were on about yesterday? Isn’t it?”

“Precisely!” Herlock declares jubilantly.

“You’ve got your culprit then do you Dennis-er Detective?” Penny asks. “Who is it?”

Herlock laughs. “Who else could it have been? It was exactly the person you my dear suspected the least.”

“Wait…”

Penny suddenly looks from Herlock to Tenpenny, sitting on the other side of the room and buried in the midst of a conversation with Steve.

“Wait here, that’s impossible!” She croaks. “You’re certain?”

“Undeniably so,” Herlock smirks. “…and even better, I know who his co-conspirator is.”

“Co-conspirator!” Penny yelps.

A few heads turn her way. Herlock covers her mouth.

“We’ll discuss this later in private,” He says.

…

Everything from the warm nightlights to the rounded pieces of furniture suggests nothing but utmost coziness in the shared bedroom where Peach and her friends are staying, all three of them happily sleeping.

That is until Conner barges in.

“PEACH!”

The princess emerges from under a pile of toads.

“Conner! My stars! Whatever’s the matter?”

Conner doesn’t respond, he’s standing in the doorframe giving her a hard look.

“Conner?”

“Princess do you… sleep in the same bed as you’re subject?”

“Only a dozen or so at a time.” She says innocently. “It’s a special privilege they get when their number comes up in the raffle.”

Conner shakes his head.

“Why’d you barge in here anyway?” Daisy yawns. “It’s still early.”

“Something’s up,” Conner says. “My TV powers are going haywire. I think Chris is up to something again.”

“Have you talked to him?” Asks Peach. Conner shakes his head again.

“He seems to have disappeared.”

“That is some cause for concern.” Rosalina agrees. “Have you checked his lodgings?”

“Everywhere but Rodney’s Study.”

“Why would he be there?” Daisy laughs, checking the clock. “It’s still crazy early. Chris wouldn’t skip his morning routine unless he was really excited about something.”

There’s a pause in conversation, as all four of them consider something. Then all at once, they’re dashing out of the room, still in their pyjamas and nightgowns.

…

Just as predicted they find Chris and the rest of the staff in Rodney’s study, alert and preoccupied.

“What are you up to today Chris?” Conner asks

“Well look who finally decided to get up?” Chris says without taking his eyes off the screen. “You guys enjoy some extra rest? Figured I’d let you sleep in today?”

“But it’s still early,” Peach says.

“It’s not, Chris just asked me to set all your clocks back,” Entrapta explains, showing them the correct time on the console.

“What did he hope to accomplish in doing so?” Inquires Rosalina.

“We’ve got a pretty quiet challenge today for the houseguests and you know, you four have been working so hard, I figure I’d be nice and let you all catch up on your beauty sleep.”

All four glance at each other.

“Mr McLean even I can’t believe that out of the goodness of my heart,” Peach admits.

Rodney chuckles. “I warned you deception would get you nowhere Christopher.”

Chris sighs.

“Alright fine, be that way. I offer you a pleasure alternative to the truth but apparently, you’re too good for it.”

“Christopher was intrigued let’s sake by the results of yesterday’s challenge, so he requested we build upon them for today’s event,” Rodney explains.

“…And I didn’t think you dudes would approve so I decided to start without you.”

“You what?” Conner says, raising an eyebrow. “Chris, I haven’t even been here to film. What are you doing to them?”

“Observe.”

They glance up at the large monitors. Both teams are standing on the deck of their own egregiously sized superyacht in the middle of a vast desert reservoir. The two yachts are each top-of-the-line and saturated with all the obscenely luxurious trappings of the ultra-wealthy. The contestants for their part are using exactly none of these fineries. Instead, they’re all gathered around the sterns of their vessels, fishing.

Conner laughs sardonically, elbow out he leans onto the console and locks eyes with Chris.

“Alright… under different circumstances, that would actually have been pretty funny. What’s the real challenge though?”

Chris chuckles.

“Let’s all find out together shall we?”

…

The contestants stand by their lines, nearly unanimous in their boredom. They hadn’t believed Chris either when he had told them earlier in the morning they’d be doing a fishing challenge, yet fishing was what they’d be instructed to do for the time being.

Curiously all of them today seem to be wearing a white plastic belt.

Few look surprised when the holograph of Chris appears in the sky.

“Contestants! We having fun fishing yet?”

“NO!” Miko yells.

“Nah,” Steve says.

“I’m having a good time,” Tenpenny chimes in jovially. “If I’ll I got to do to beat the other guys again is fish it ain’t no thing.”

“IN YOUR DREAMS PEASANTS!” Squawks the Ordinals' most abrasive member. “THE GREAT AND MIGHTY VULTUREMAN WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED IN FISHING!!”

Miko slumps over the side of their yacht and looks up at the hologram of their host pleadingly.

“Chris! Please! Please! Please! Pleaaase! Make something happen.”

Chris laughs once more.

“Good news for you! Entrapta’s just finished calibrating the explosive charges, being we’re ready to get this show on the road.”

“What was that middle part?” Zelda asks fretfully.

“Might want to hold on to something houseguest… in ten! Nine! Eight!”

There’s a cataclysmic noise and the dam that was holding their reservoir explodes sending millions of litres of water downstream, and the cast and their yachts along with them.

Chris chuckles guiltily.

“Oops! Looks like they went off a little early! My bad!”

Both yachts careen down a narrow canyon, the teams clinging desperately to their vessels as expansive furniture and bottles of alcohol ricochet about inside like pinballs.

“What do we do to not die!?” Steve yelps.

“Get to the wheel!” Bruce barks.

The Supertasks white knuckle grip their way to their yachts bridge, Sam being the first one to make it to the helm.

“You think you can get that thing under control?” Tenpenny asks.

“Control may prove to be a dangerously relative term here,” Sam says pessimistically, attempting to wrestle the wheel into submission.

Things are if possible worse over on the Ordinals Yacht

“WHAT DO WE DO!?” Miko shouts!

“I don’t know!” Cries their captain, Fry.

“How do we not die!?” Wallace demands.

“I DON’T KNOW!”

“Do any of you idiots have anything helpful to offer in the slightest!?” Shego shouts.

Fry clasps either side of his head.

“OH GOD I DON’T KNOW!!!”

The hologram of Chris reappears for both teams.

“So Houseguests, you might have realized that the whole fishing thing was a red herring.”

“No!? Really!? You’re blowing my mind here Chris!” Steve snaps.

“Today’s challenge is another three-parter. First part is racing your yacht down this canyon. First team to reach the end or the last one to die wins. Good luck!”

The hologram disappears.

“Was it ‘Last one to die’ he said?” Elizabeth asks uncertainly.

…

“Did you say ‘Last one to die?’” Conner asks Chris.

“It’s fine. Just trust me and don’t worry about it.”

Conner gives him a look.

“I’ll have you know I don’t trust you, and I’m exceedingly worried about it.”

Chris folds his hands behind his head.

“That sounds like a you problem.”

…

Untamed torrents of water bounce the Ordinals' yacht to and fro like it was a paper boat in a storm drain.

“Alucard! Buddy!? Now’d be a much better time than yesterday to unleash those vampire powers of yours!” Fry says, voice growing shrill with panic. “You’ve been talking about how powerful you are now all morning. Maybe help us out a little?”

Alucard grimaces fearsomely. “I’m afraid you’ll have to get some other stooge to do your bidding.”

“KATARA!” Fry bellows.

“I don’t know what I can do! I’m not used to trying to bend this much water!” She says fretfully.

“This seems like a fantastic time to try doesn’t it!?” Wallace shouts.

“Then hold on!”

“What do you think we’ve been doing!?” Miko demands.

Katara concentrating as much as circumstance will allow it, awkwardly raises a single hand. The thunderous waves beneath them shift, surging them forward right toward the canyon wall.

“OTHER WAY!” Shego bellows.

The yacht clips it and flips.

“Finish line dead ahead!” Max calls.

Sure enough, they’ve nearly reached a place where the canyon spills out all at once into a flat basin. Stretched across the end of the canyon is a bright red finish line

“We’re actually going to make it, How ‘bout that?” Penny says relieved. “We may all actually make it out of this in one piece.”

A loud sound and a shadow above draw her team’s attention. As if in slow motion Their Ordinals yacht overtakes theirs, the ship sailing through the air upside down and (somehow) on fire. The entire team besides Alucard, screaming. Zelda waves at him. He waves back.

“…Or not.”

The Ordinal yacht breezes past the finish line and slams into hoodoo, instantly erupting into a fiery explosion that incarnates the ship.

…

In the study, Peach shrieks in horror, Conner and Rosalina blanche noticeably, Chef Hatchet groans, Chris and Daisy cackle, and Entrapta watches on in passive interest.

Rodney gives them all a slightly feeble look.

“I assure you it’s not as bad as it looks. The Ordinals are alright.”

…

Water surges out into the flat plains in every which way, cascading torrents slowly exhausting themselves until the floods recede leaving nothing but a scoured, muddy landscape. The Supertask superyacht grounds itself into the earth and comes to a halt. The team hoping down off it, having just seen their competition explode, Bruce, Elizabeth, Steve and Penny look stunned, the other five seeming much less affected.

A trapdoor opens in the earth and out of it rises the staff. Steve gives them an accusing glance.

“What the hell guys?”

“All part of the challenge.” Chris declares.

“What? Murdering the entire other team was part of the challenge?”

Chris laughs.

“Pretty funny right? Let’s hear what they have to think.”

At the base of the smouldering ruins of the rock column that had obliterated the Ordinals, there’s a curious sight on the ground. Ten large white balls of fabric have seeming bloomed from the damp desert soil, some of them wriggling slightly.

Rodney walks over to one of them calmly and presses an index finger into it. The form deflates revealing a startled but otherwise unharmed Fry.

“What happened? Blacked out! I Am I dead!?” His eyes spot Chris. “Chris!? Is that you, or I am in Hell and the devil looks just like you?”

“Interesting theory. But no, good news, you’re alive. In fact, so is your whole team!”

The other Ordinals emerge from their bubbles, looking equally bewildered.

“How did that happen?” Jack asks.

“It was those belts they granted us at the beginning of the day,” Zelda says, looking to Chris imploringly. “Is that correct?”

“That it was!” Rodney says. “Very observant Zelda.”

The Princess smiles shyly.

“My House can be calibrated to remove potentially lethal sets of physics and temperatures from the algorithm.” The squirrel explains. “But today we’re going to have you wear those belts as an extra safety precaution, should your body be struck by an otherwise life-ending impact or trauma, a set of cushions will instantly envelope you, protecting you from all physical harm.”

Max whistles. “Gee whizz that sounds real niffy. With this baby, I can finally see what it’d be like to hurl myself off a cliff.”

“Max little buddy, you didn’t tell me life’s been getting you so down lately.” Sam comments.

“Who me Sam? Gosh no, I’ve been on the up and up lately, I’m just a thrill seeker is all.”

“There’ll be plenty of chances for thrills today,” Chris assures them. “Today’s going to be a throwback to classic everyone remembers from Total Drama Action,”

“Yeah, all of us still haven’t seen the old seasons,” Steve says.

“I know, and I’m very disappointed. Back in season two, we were all about doing movie genre sendups, one of which was a disaster movie-themed challenge. Back then we were limited to what we had on hand at the old abandoned film lot, so we basically just ran the cast through an obstacle course on a shake table and some other thing I blacked out of my memory for some reason. We didn’t say have it in the budget to say blow up Toronto. But now!”

Chris laughs with concerning glee.

“Now! With Rodney’s House, this show’s basically got an unlimited budget meaning I can now do my old challenge idea the apocalyptic justice it deserves. Get ready Houseguests! Today’s going to be one heck of a disaster!”

He cackled gleefully. Further out in the desert what looks to be several nuclear explosions denotation simultaneously, silhouetting their host against a sea of world-ending flames.

Wallace takes a sardonic sip of his cosmopolitan.

“Sometimes I envy Raggedy Ann,”

…

The show breaks for commercials and Conner and the ladies are given time to properly dress and wake the Toads.

When they return to Rodney’s study, Rosalina’s frowning severely. Conner wearing the same look of half-amused disapproval he welds to most of what comes from Chris’s mouth.

“Christopher you seem to have a kind of cruel fondness for torturing your guests,” Rosalina says.

“You’re just noticing that now?” Chris asks bluntly.

“Rod, remember when we were trying to tone this guy down?” Conner asks the Squirrel. “Good times, what happened to them?”

“What happened is after that whole Flesh Pit fiasco this whole Rodney House thing you’ve got going on finally clicked with me,” Chris says putting an arm around Rodney. “This place basically runs on cartoon logic, and there’s no limit to the size of what we create! Meaning I can blow up as much stuff and hurl as much lava at our cast as I want and thanks to Rodney’s baby-proofing, it’ll never hurt them!”

“Glad to see you learned the worst possible lesson from yesterday.”

“Would it kill you to be a little open-minded for once O’Gleeson? Today’ll be fun.”

Conner sighs, the feed returns to the contestants now standing in what seems to be the platonic ideal of a large American city. An unending sprawl of blocky skyscrapers and grey office complexes without much in the way of any noticeable landmarks.

…

The contestants stand amidst this metropolis with unpleasant anticipation.

Chris and the rest of the staff appear in the sky once more, a towering holographic figure.

“Who’s ready for part two of our disaster challenge?”

“I’m ready for this to be over!” Katara offers.

“Are we going to get an explanation before we begin this time?” Zelda asks.

“That would be ideal.” Elizabeth agrees.

“Don’t worry! This one’s going to be real easy.” Chris offers. “There’s two rules, firstly, no sabotaging each other, second and more important rule, everyone gets three lives this round, last team with people still standing wins,”

“Christopher! Let me use my powers!” Alucard demands up to his celestial host. “That taste of battle yesterday hasn’t satiated this moronic boredom you people have been trying to suffocate me with.”

Chris raises an eyebrow.

“You sure about that? You ate a lot of bugs last night dude? But I mean sure, go for it if you feel like it. Powers are on the table; not like it’ll help you.”

Alucard laughs.

“So, like a dog such as yourself to doubt me.”

Chris brushes off the insult with a sly grin. Then ends the hologram.

“Vampire man still seems like he’s all fired up from last challenge.” Chef notes.

“Good for him,” Chris says unconcerned. “Rodney! The controls if please?”

Rodney inputs something into the console and the entire thing changes, the controls now a series of buttons imprinted with deceptively innocent symbols of various catastrophes on them.

“Alucard isn’t the only one on his A Game today,” Chris says cranking first both knuckles, then his neck.

“Now! Let’s all sit back and watch a true master of the craft operate, by which I mean me! Chef! Entrapta! Rodney! Let’s get this party started! Tornados!”

Chef presses a button. On their display, dark clouds begin gathering over the contestant’s heads.

“Volcanos!”

High-rise buildings crumble to the ground as entire mountainous columns of ash and flame erupt from the earth.

“Typhons! Hurricane! Earthquakes! SMOG!”

The winds pick up, lightning flashes, the ground trembles, the cast bolts for cover and glass facades begin shattering around them.

“Today’s going to be another shitty one, I can tell,” Wallace remarks bitterly. A second later he’s crushed by a falling road sign.

Chris holds a hand up dramatically.

“Music!”

Entrapta scampers to the back of the room and puts a CD into its drive, a moment later there comes the fast-paced opening drum beats of R.E.M's most famous song.

That's great, it starts with an earth-

-quake

Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes
And Lenny Bruce is not afraid

Cars without drivers crash through the streets one side swiping Meg, her belt inflates, then deflates, she’s lost a life.

… Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs
Don't mis-serve your own needs
Speed it up a notch, speed, grunt, no, strength
The ladder starts to clatter
With a fear of height, down, height

Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
And a government for hire and a combat site
Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry
With the Furies breathing

 Down

 your

neck

Vultureman, Elizabeth, Katara and Zelda all show their unfamiliarity with the modern world by attempting to seek shelter in a gas station. It promptly explodes.

… Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low plane,

 fine,

 then

Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light

Steve, Tenpenny and Bruce try and hunker down in a basement, and just as quickly find it filling with quicksand.

Outside Fry’s running every which way dodging lightning strikes

Feeling

Pretty

Psyched

He avoids them all, and it near immediately flatted by a piece of hail the size of a van.

… It's the

end of the world as we know it It's the

end of the world as we know it It's the

end of the world as we know it

and I feel fine

Shego, Sam, and Max are swept off the ground by gale-force winds, sending them flying into an electric substation, which promptly explodes.

The ground begins cracking under everyone’s feet.

Jack’s diving for cover.

… The other night I drifted nice continental drift divide
Mountains sit in a line,

The shaking lets up, he looks around.

Leonard Bernstein

An entire concert hall falls from the sky on top of him.

Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right,

right

Vultureman’s struck by a commuter train, his belt doesn’t go off yet, instead the avian caws in terror, pinned to the front of the train as it derails and crashes into a chemical plant.

That of course, promptly explodes.

… It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone)

Chris paws at his commands like a concert pianist

It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone)

The ground surges upwards and buckles, lava pouring out, Skyscrapers are lifted from their foundations and crash into each other in mid-air, raining debris

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone)

I feel fine…

… It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone)

Tornados duel in the streets, sandstorms and blizzards blow past, mudslides, landslides and avalanches blow everything away the cast helpless. All but Alucard who seemed to handling himself well.

It's the end of the world as we know it (time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (time I had some time alone)

And I feel fine…

Conner and Rosalina glance uncertainly at one another as Chris cackles like a madman.

“And my second-grade teacher said blowing up cities wasn’t a realistic career option!”

“Chris, we throw a lot of sarcastic quips at each other, but I mean this for once in total seriousness. You worry me.” Conner deadpans.

…

By the time Chris has gotten the initial wave of destruction out of the way about half the cast are out of lives or down to their last. Those that have failed stuck puffed up in their inflated safety chambers, cut off from the world and looking like oversized cauliflower or pieces of popcorn.

Penny Crayon leaps through the air, narrowly avoiding the collapse of an office tower, wishing she could draw fast enough to keep pace with their host’s manic energy.

“Over here!”

She spots Herlock waving to her from the relative safety of a half-collapsed carpark. She dives for his shelter, Miko emerges from the ruins of a burnt-out bus and rushes over to join them, Herlock holds out a hand.

“I’m afraid not my dear! Supertasks only!”

“Come on!” She wines. “That’s not FaAGH!”

The ground opens behind her, dropping Miko into a pit of lava. Her belt inflates and then deflates leaving her mid-air over the pit.

“Oh come on! Seriously!?”

She plummets again, and before she hits lava the belt inflates and deflates again, leaving her in mid-air, again.

“DUDE!”

It all happens for a third time.

“Ugh!”

Once more she falls into the fiery pit. Her belt inflates a final time and stays inflated, Miko’s out of lives.

Penny piers into the chasm.

“Ah, that was a real unlucky go at it, wasn’t it?”

“You needn’t worry over her Dearest Penny, she’s an enemy,” Herlock says dutifully. “What matters most now is the enemies within our ranks, and our corrupted captain.”

“I still can’t believe it really,” Penny admits. “Tenpenny a double agent, after all he’s done for us. The thought of it’s hard to bear honestly.”

“Such is always the nature of crime,” Reports Herlock. “But it’s true, I heard him last night with my own ears! After everyone had retired for the evening, he had a private conversation with Shego from the other team.”

“Really? Her? What’d they say?”

“Oho! The most nefarious things! They made a pact plan to take turns sabotaging the teams until all their competition for the money was out of the way.”

“The Rotters! What else?”

“What does it matter what else? Tenpenny began laughing about his villainy and I tuned them out afterwards, no use hearing them gloat after that, I had what I needed.”

“You do have proof though, don’t you?” Penny asks.

“Of course! I have my word as a detective.” Herlock assures her. Penny seems unconvinced.

“You’ve got a tall order, that might not be enough.”

Herlock chuckles.

“I have my backups, rest assured I’ll reveal everything when the time is right. Though this it seems may prove problematic in the foreseeable future.”

Lava has begun springing out of the ground and flooding the building.

“Does seem to be a bit of a bother that,” Penny says causally. “Got any lives left?”

“None.”

“Neither do I. See any escape route?”

“Also, none.”

“Drat. Well, I suppose it’s been an honour then Detective.”

“You as well Miss Crayon.”

They wait patiently for the lava to touch them (Convection is apparently not in play at the moment) before being enveloped in their safety balloons.

Elsewhere in the rapidly crumbling cityscape, Elizabeth scurries between different shelters across a freeway. She makes for an odd figure, a 19th-century literary protagonist lost within a scene that could have come from a 21st-century action blockbuster, delicately holding her skirts up and surveying the surrounding devastation not with horror but bemusement.

“Elizabeth!”

She turns. Steve Harrington is ducked under a ruined car staring at her indignantly.

“What are you crazy? Find some cover before another flaming tornado passes by.”

“Yes, that one in particular was unpleasant wasn’t it?” She reflects. “Though standing still may not be the best option either.”

As if to prove her point a meteor falls between them, showering them both with debris. Steve scampers out from under the vehicle.

“Maybe we should keep moving.”

“That may be an idea with merit.”

More meteors fall, then jog down the road in a snaking pattern, trying their best to dodge them.

“Quite the spirited day isn’t it?” She muses.

“Yeah, what day hasn’t been so far?” He replies.

“I’ll concede to that.”

Steve blows out his cheeks in a long-exhausted exhale.

“Hell of a game right?”

“That’s quite the appropriate way to phrase it, McLean certainly brings the image of Beelzebub.” She says with a very 21^st century roll of her eyes. “I don’t regret my participating in this strange game, but there are days it makes me long to be back home, at Longbourn. Even by young sister Mary’s piano performances seem tame in comparison.”

“Honestly compared to some of the crazy shit that’s happened back at Hawkins… yeah I’d still rather be doing this.”

Elizabeth gives him a sly grin.

“If that is so, remind to never visit that fledging republic you colonists have established in America.”

“I mean America’s great. Best country anywhere. Hawkins is normally a nice place too when there’s not like… weird demons or Russians or whatever around.”

“Seems you’ve had a rather unfortunate series of disasters of your own.”

“We’ve had a rough couple years,” Steve admits.

They dodge a downed electrical tower.

“Still… never imagined I’d be doing something as insane as this. What about you?”

“You’d be surprised to hear I’d imagine exactly such circumstances quite often.”

“Did you?” Steve asks deeply taken aback. “No way you did not, how exact we talking…”

He trails off. Elizabeth is laughing at him, though her smile is so pleasing he doesn’t seem to mind. He laughs slightly as well.

“Just a bit of cheek.” She relents.

“Yeah, I, uh, I got that.”

They pause, her smiling at him. He’s caught off guard by how lovely the expression suits her and it’s left smiling as well. That is until he’s eyes catch something behind her. She frowns at his change in expression.

“Something the matter?”

He points, she looks. They’re standing next to an overturned Tanker truck, gasoline spilling from its breached tank and pooling onto the freeway, where it’s about to make contact with a flaming piece of debris.

“Ah…” Elizabeth says softly.

…

In Rodney’s study, the large screens enveloped the room in an orange glow as Steve and Elizabeth are hurled to their fiery doom, both of their belts inflating mid-air.

Daisy cheers.

“All right! Nice shot!”

“Thank you!” Chris says.

“Can I try?”

“Knock yourself out,” Chris says, getting up. “Just don’t be too depressed when you’re nowhere near the master of disasters I am.”

“Oh yeah? Watch this!”

She slams down some of the controls. On-screen lightning strikes Fry repeatedly until he inflates.

“There! Behind the car!” Entrapta cries suddenly. “I think that’s Jack!”

“I think you’re right!” Daisy declared.

A shower of hail rains down on the car. Jack goes flailing out of it in a panic before a meteorite lands on him. Daisy and Entrapta laughing merrily at the sight along with Chef and Chris.

“Do you really fun that funny Daisy?” Rosalina asks.

“Yeah! Of course,” The Princess says innocently. “Like Chris says, we’re not really hurting anyone.”

Her friends give her a sombre look.

“Not every kind of pain leaves a mark on the body.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine Rosie. Maybe I spooked him a little but he’ll get over it.”

“What if you’ve done something lasting to him?”

Daisy looks perplexed.

“Lasting? How so? People always get over stuff. Luigi always gets over it when I sneak up behind him and scare him, Entrapta got over all that stuff Chris did to her.”

“That was fun,” Entrapta agrees.

“Daisy’s right,” Peach says more diplomatically. “Everything on this production is all in good fun, no matter how…”

They watch as Jack is swept away by a flood.

“…Frightening it seems in the moment. Everyone will certainly remember their time as a fun adventure, filled with laughs and smiles, as I do my time on Endless.”

There’s a loud ding, and the staff all look up.

“Was that your doorbell Rodney?”

“Was it? Odd. I’m not expecting anyone,” Rodney says.

 “I’ll handle that,” Conner says getting up resignedly.

“I will accompany you.” Rosalina offers.

“Ah, Rosie stay! You’ll miss part of the challenge!” Daisy says.

“That is fine, I think I’ve seen enough laughs and smiles as dear Princess Peach calls them.”

The two gods slink off into the hall.

“Bless the stars for an excuse to be away from that terrible challenge.” Rosalina sighs.

“Don’t speak too soon,” Conner warns.

He opens the front door and sighs to himself. Whatever ominous locals he was expecting fail to materialize. Instead, there’s a familiar figure turquoise-haired mermaid waiting for them, perched on the step in her large glass fish bowl.

“Hiya!”

“Welcome back Perky,” Conner says scowling.

“Thanks!” She chirps. “A little squid told me you were looking for a new intern.”

“Not interested!”

He makes to slam the door.

“WAIT!” Perky cries. “I come with really great references.”

Conner leaves the door open a crack and waits impatiently

Another figure leaps onto the step. A short semi-humanoid Cephalopod-esque creature wearing and skirt that conceals its legs and a cloth over its face.

“Fuck YOU Rodney House!” Cries the squid, passionately gesticulating at his friend. “If you’re dumb enough to get a new intern this weekend, you’re a big enough smuts to come to Yerdey Yisme and his Bastard Fish!!”

“Not interested,” Conner says with unusual forcefulness.

“Ah come on! I wasn’t done the bit!” Yerdey Yisme wines. “I hadn’t even gotten to the part about challenge pissing.”

“We already have a replacement for Jermey! Goodbye!”

He forces the door closed.

Rosalina’s staring at him curiously.

“Friends of yours?”

“Bad memories from Endless,” Conner admits. Rosalina frowns.

“Yes… There were a lot of those were there?”

Conner thinks a moment then shrugs. “Just those two mostly. I know it’s been a punching bag around here lately but I’m… well… really quite proud of how most of my season turned out. We had a couple of bumps here or there but you know I tried to keep the contestants happy, give them their dignity, warm beds and good meals. Make it more an adventure than torture.

I mean nothing wrong with a little mean-spirited comedy but for months on end.”

He shrugs.

“…Not my style. Never was. I find gets to a point where it just gets sad after a while and gets so effortless. I tried to move Total Drama away from that, hoped I could move away from it even more this season. But no. Producers weren’t happy with my run of things so they brought Chris back to undo everything.”

“Peach remembers you’re season fondly.”

He turns to see Rosalina looking oddly baleful. The one eye she keeps unhidden by her bangs avoiding him humbly. It’s odd, he’d grown so accustomed to that eye boring into him, drilling past the hard plates of their surface interaction and trying determinedly to unearth a fragment of the core of his soul. But it seems now she’d cracked her own exterior in the attempt.

“I sometimes think…” She begins quietly. “Because of my past, I misjudge others' emotions around me. Besides my dear Lumas, I’ve not known many other friends since I was a child. Mario, Princess Peach, Daisy and their other friends were the first I had known in a very long time. But from such a terribly different time than I originally came from.

 Sometimes I confuse things, I forget they’re not burdened with some of the things I’ve known. I worry more about them than I need to. With dear Peach’s behaviour, I thought I saw things only I had previously known. But she smiles so sincerely when thinking of you and your games.”

She finally looks at him and smiles bashfully.

“I’m afraid I’ve misjudged you Conner O’Gleeson. You are a good man after all. I am glad Princess Peach enjoyed her time with you.”

Now it’s Conner’s turn to grin sheepishly.

“Wow, that’s… Thank you, Rosalina. I’m very happy to hear that.”

To his immense relief, she doesn’t seem to notice the guilt buried in his tone.

…

While Princess Peach may have supposedly enjoyed Endless, Princess Daisy seems to be thoroughly enjoying her time here on Homespun.

True to her word, by the time Rosalina and Conner return she’s taken to the control panel as passionately as Chris had. The other staff look on with mixed horror and wonder as she rains untold devastation on the contestants.

“Hey guys! Welcome back!”

“Daisy what did you do?” Rosalina asks.

“Tried and failed to blow up a vampire.” Her friend says nonchalantly.

“It seems everything’s on fire.”

“Yeah, he’s really tough.”

On-screen, Alucard stands amidst a scene of the Christian Hell, wreaths of flames envelop a burning cityscape, the vampire silhouetted by them, grinning ear to ear atop a skyscraper and looking like he’s enjoying himself as much as Daisy. He laughs wildly and calls to the heavens.

“Is that really all you can do!?”

“Give me a sec! I’m working on it.” Daisy shouts at the screen. “Chris, what’s the button to throw an airplane at this guy?”

“No hurling planes into skyscrapers,” Chris replies immediately. “People are still kind of… sensitive about that back in our reality. That and cruise ships going down.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason we used yachts for round one,” Chef says.

“Why’s that?” Entrapta asks.

“Bad PR,” Chef says.

Chris counts on his fingers.

“The Titanic in 1912, sunk by an iceberg, The Costa Concordia in 2012, sunk by the captain’s idiocy, then recently there was the Disney Treasure in 2049.”

Chef and Conner shutter.

“What happened to The Disney Treasure?” Peach asks.

“Look admittedly the 21^st century has been bright over on our world, aging’s been halted, climate change is being fixed, that whole disinformation age thing never really happened, we don’t have a lot to worry about back home but the Treasure? …. I don’t even want to talk about it, it’s still too soon,” Conner says.

“…. Ain’t right what happened to the Treasure…” Chef says distantly.

“Good news!” Daisy buts in. “While you people were talking about whatever boring thing you were talking about, I found something even more exciting than a plane to throw at Count What’s his Face.

A massive dragon-like kaiju has emerged from the ground and towers over Alucard. The Vampire sneers up at it defiantly, both guns drawn. They hear him laughing.

“Is that the best you’ve got!!?”

Conner leaps around the console and slams his palm down on a button, at once a meteor streaks down from the sky and strikes the kaiju through the neck, dispatching it.

Daisy who was on the edge of her seat slumps in disappointment.

“Aw…”

“Speaking of disasters with real consequences, let’s maybe not expose Alucard to more giant monster blood alright?” Conner suggests tentatively.

“You’re no fun…” The Princess pouts.

“Well seeing as that dragon corpse crushed Olivia and Wayne, it seems like Alucard’s just won the round for his team anyway.” Chris declares, turning on the microphone.

“Ordinals! Congratulations on winning round two!”

The clouds part, the fires go out, and the city crumbles to dust, seeds burst from the flattened ground. Alucard is left under a clear sky in a grassy field as his contestants remerged from their belts around him. The vampire still hunched over and seething, seemingly furious at being denied a good fight,

Fry (After taking a moment to rediscover his bearings) approaches him cautiously.

“Uh, Al? Everything alright?”

Alucard stops panting like a dog and straightens back up, expression ossifying back into that predator grin he’s so fond of.

“Perfect,” He breathes.

“Alucard!” Chris cries, emerging with the other staff from out a door that’s appeared from nothing. “Nice job at surviving! Or… well…uh, not setting you’re belt off, seeing how you’re not technically alive and thus didn’t technically survive.”

“Just like those poor kids on the Disney Treasure,” Chef reflects somberly.

“Uh yeah…” Chris clears his throat. “So now that everyone has plenty of experience with all the wicked and wild disasters nature, or me, or Diasy could throw at you, what do you say we try to survive them again, this time properly prepared?”

“Must we?” Elizabeth asks.

“I’m very sore,” Wallace complains.

Chris chuckles. “Don’t worry, for your final round today, you’ll be able to hide in your very own disaster shelter, and you’ll be making them with a little help from these!”

He holds up two tablets.

“How do we build a house with a single sheet of metal?” Katara asks.

“It’s electronic,” Wallace explains.

“Oh…” Katara says. “What does that mean again?

“Each team gets an app connected to the house algorithm,” Chris explains. “Installed on there is a building program. Anything you place down in there will be built here in the room. Heads up though, building will cost you points and you’ve only got so much to work with so use them wisely. Ordinals, because you won the first two rounds you get significantly more points than the Supertasks, Oh yeah, and one other thing? You’ll be buying both parts for your house, and disasters to hurl at the other guys so spend wisely.

You’ve all got twenty minutes on the clock to build before all H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick breaks out so get a move on! Team with the most intact structure and contestants wins immunity. Losers, of course, will be sending someone home.”

…

As soon as the staff have left a great wall the height of the sky bisects the field, separating both teams from view.

Among the Supertasks, most of the team is sitting in the grass watching their captain pace. Tenpenny’s dark eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“Alright, so I’ll admit we ain’t off to a great start today. McLean’s been fucking us over with all his impromptu bullshit and it’s not leaving much room to strategize. Here’s where we make up for that. Other teams got the advantage, but it’s not gonna be enough, we’re about to turn in on their head and kick their sorry Ordinal asses anyway!”

Some of the team cheers modestly. Tenpenny holds up the tablet

“Alright, now I don’t know the first thing about this freaky future gadget so I need volunteers.”

Zelda lets out a tiny gasp and raises her arm. Tenpenny cocks an eyebrow in surprise.

“You think you can handle this Princess?”

“Yes!” She squeaks.

“That’s what you said about the VEEV yesterday sweetie,” Olivia says kindly. “I don’t know if you’ll do much better here unless you have computer tablets in that little fantasy kingdom of yours.”

“We do!” Zelda says excitedly. “They’re a common relic in ancient Sheikah temple sites! I’ve plenty of expertise-“

Tenpenny cuts her off by tossing her the tablet.

“Good enough for me. Just don’t freeze up on us this time your majesty. Wayne, I want you helping to, let’s see how well you manage finances.”

Bruce gives him a modest grin. “Alright… that sounds like something I could help with.”

“If it’s just going to be the three of you building what should the rest of us do?” Sam asks.

“Sit there and take a load off.” Tenpenny urges. “Captain’s orders. You deserve a break after this morning. Me, Wayne and the Princess will handle this from here.”

“Why don’t I handle things in your place Captain?” Herlock offers. “After all you deserve a break as well.”

Tenpenny shrugs. “Alright Sholmes. Much obliged. Just remember though, you take responsibility for this challenge, you take responsibility if we lose as well.”

“Never fear my… dear captain. I would never intentionally sabotage our beloved company, unlike some less savoury people I know.”

He gives Tenpenny a very exaggerated wink. The police officer looks confused. Off to the side, Penny Crayon sighs and shakes her head.

“Any clue what’s up with the detective?” Max asks.

“Not a clue.” She lies.

…

Similar deliberations are happening amongst the Ordinals.

“This is good, everything’s good!” Fry says, speaking more to himself than his team. “We’re in a good position we’re not going to end up like yesterday.”

“We won’t if Shego doesn’t mess everything up again,” Wallace comments causally. Shego’s nostrils flare.

“Meg’s the one that pushed me in the monster juice!”

“I said I was sorry,” Meg says humbly.

“Sorry’s not good enough, you should have gone home!”

“You should have gone home!” Katara shouts.

“Fighting about yesterday’s getting us nowhere.” Jack insisted.

“How’d you know, you didn’t even see half of it?” Meg asks.

“Hey come on he’s got a point!” Miko says. “Also, Al’s really cool, so it pains me to say it but some of the blame yesterday is Alucard’s fault.”

“Piss off girl, I had fun,” The Vampire says, still that terrible opaque grin on his features.

“This game is about more than just fighting,” Katara says glaring up at him.

“That’s what makes it so boring,” Drawls the monster.

“Is there anything else you like besides fighting?”

“Not since I was alive.”

“Maybe just let him fight then,” Shego says. “Might be useful down the line.”

Wallace frowns at her. “We’re not talking about down the line, right now we need to focus on this challenge and besides looking ungodly sexy Alucard doesn’t have much to offer us.” He laughs dryly. “I mean what? Is he going to fight off the disasters for us?”

“He was doing pretty well with that last round,” Miko says.

All eyes slowly drift over to Alucard.

…

“Contestants! Time is up!” Chris announces. “Let’s see what you’ve got!”

The towering wall between the teams grows opaque. The Ordinals have crafted a large metal dome covered with large spikes, next to them stands the Supertasks shelter, a much smaller concrete box.

Chris whistles.

“Impressive.”

He presses a button two smaller windows appear on Rodney’s display showing the teams huddled in their bunkers.

“Captains! Heads or Tails!?”

“Heads!” Tenpenny barks.

“Hea-uh shoot! Tails then.” Fry stammers.

Chef hands Chris a loonie and he flips it.

“Heads it is! Supertasks are up first! Unleash your disasters!”

“With pleasure McLean.”

Fire bursts from the ground and consumes the land around the Ordinals dome, the structure however is unharmed.

“Ordinals go!”

An earthquake strikes, exclusively affecting the Supertask’s side of the wall. Long cracks run up the sides of the shelter.

“Supertasks back on you!”

A tornado descends from the clouds directly onto the base, and it disappears under a cloud of dust. Metal sheets tear off the dome.

When the storm dissipates the bunker clearly suffered some exterior damage, but is otherwise fine.

“That the best you got Suckertasks!?” Miko taunts.

“Yeah!? You think you can do better?” Steve calls back.

Miko smirks.

A wave of water crashes into the Supertasks base. Tiny streams of it pour their way through the cracks in the concrete and forcing them apart. Most of the shelter crumbles away leaving the Supertasks clinging to it for dear life, until at last the flood recedes and they’re left they’re waterlogged and without protection.

Watching through a tiny periscope in their impenetrable dome the Ordinals let loose a victorious cheer.

“We got this!” Meg says.

Amongst their half-drowned opponents, Tenpenny still looks undeterred.

“McLean!” He calls to the heavens. “Time for our final shot right?”

“You mean the one disaster you saved all your points for?”

“That would be the one.”

“Awesome dude. Ordinals! Hope you packed extra undies! This is about to get seriously gnarly!”

There’s a light in the sky, it grows rapidly, streaking towards the ground.

A massive asteroid the size of several city blocks is racing towards the Ordinals.

“Oh they’re done for,” Conner says with a little laugh.

“They're about to go down harder than the Disney Treasure apparently did.” Entrapta comments.

“Dude! Stop bringing up the Treasure!” Chris says. “Too soon dude! People still messed up about that.”

Chef suddenly begins to sob.

“Why? Why!? Why’d they even have all those kangaroos on the ship!? Didn’t they know it’d be trouble!?”

He buries his face in his hands and bursts into tears. Rodney and Rosalina move their chairs away from him slightly.

Back in the challenge, the asteroid’s getting closer by the second.

Tenpenny laughs in triumph.

He quickly stops once he sees Alucard leap onto the roof of the Ordinals' shelter.

“I neglected to mention earlier…” He says speaking more to his team than his opponents. “I do have some other hobbies besides battle. Waiting without end for combat can be dreadfully boring, for the first few centuries I’d read to pass the time, but recently I’ve grown fond of those little motion pictures you mortals come up with.

Here’s a trick I saw in a recent one with Bruce Willis. Releasing control art restriction to level two!”

The count visibly swells with power, then leaps into the air towards the meteor.

There’s a flash of light, a thunderous sound.

The space rock is cleaved in two, both halves careening off their original path.

One slams through the clear wall, piercing it with ease. It lands directly on the Supertasks, obliterating them in a great burst of fire and light. Their inflated belts go sailing every which way like puffs of popcorn.

The glass walls, already comprised, shattered fully in the wake of the blast, raining down in showers of glass splinters.

In Rodney’s Study, the staff all quietly stare at their display in shock.

No one talks for about a minute before Chris breaks the silence.

“Alright… maybe we should look into nerfing Alucard.”

…

Alucard’s maneuver, needless to say, wins the day’s immunity for his team. 

The Supertasks are in an understandable poor mood as they file into the elimination lounge later that evening, The staff are waiting for them. Entrapta particularly looks sympathetic towards the misfortune of her former teammates.

Only Herlock looks excited to be there.

“Well, that was some bullshit.” Tenpenny growls.

“Curse that awful demon.” Zelda mopes.

“Supertasks, why the long faces?” Chris asks, looking far less empathetic than Entrapta. “It’s not like the world’s ending. I thought you’d all be used to losing by now.”

Steve glowers, frustratedly. “We were not supposed to lose anymore! Tenpenny was supposed to change things with his strategies, but now the others have like I don’t know, supercharged their vampire, how are we supposed to deal with that? That’s not fair?”

“Yes, it’s most unfortunate the unceasing foes we seem to face from the outside.” Herlock agrees.

Then at once, the detective is on his feet.

“HOWEVER!” He cries, “The real danger our merry band of competitors face is none other than the one coming from WITHIN THE TEAM!”

He swerves on his feet and points dramatically at Tenpenny.

Several teammates gasp, as do the three princesses. Tenpenny gives him a blank look.

“I’m not following…” He says slowly.

“Yesterday evening, I, the esteemed detective Herlock Sholmes! Envy of Scotland Yard! Found the crime I was predestined to uncover here at Mister Rodney’s expansive estate. There is a great conspiracy afoot to sabotage these games, the guilty parties? That devilish Ms. Shego on from the opposition, and none other than our own Captain Frank Tenpenny! The man who’s been quietly amassing power from within, just so he could use it to destroy us!”

The princesses gasped louder. Now Chef joining in.

“Good gosh! How horrible!” Max cries. “Why didn’t I think to do something like that?”

The rest of the team looks between Herlock and their captain, seemingly not knowing what to think. Tenpenny still surveying Herlock.

“After all I’ve done for this team, this is how you repay me?” He asks, dangerously calm.

Herlock waves a finger at him. “No use denying it! I heard it all with my own ears!”

“So you were spying on us?”

“Wait… back up.” Steve cuts in.

“You truly met with this woman?” Elizabeth asks surprised.

“Yeah, I did meet with Shego last night,” Tenpenny says truthfully. “That part ain’t bullshit. Way back in episode one, I put in her my debt in case I needed an alliance since I didn’t know how this was all gonna go down at the time. She came to me the other night looking for a follow-up, and I told her no. My loyalties with my Supertasks, but before I did, I teased her with some nonsense about being some kinds of dumbass masterminds that were going control the votes and shit.” He scoffs. “But sounds like that’s the only part Sholmes was paying attention for,” He snickers joylessly. “Guess you heard what you needed huh Detective?”

“Aha! So you admit it!” Herlock declares triumphantly. “The burden soul of a guilty man can only hide so long!”

“Alright, show’s over Holmes,”

“Spare me you’re pleads traitor.”

“****** I said SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Tenpenny springs to his feet, chair thrown back, forgotten. Rage that had been broiling inside him, erupting outward like fire.

“You really think I’d be out busting my ass for the goddamn team if I was a traitor!? Yeah, I talked to a fuckin’ Ordinal! What the fuck does it matter to you Sholmes!?”

Herlock stands firm, seemingly unaffected by the anger. “It matters greatly if it means putting an end to a nefarious plot on my team.”

“Oh, I see! This is your team now is it!?” Tenpenny demands, he glares, white teeth splitting dark features. “You trying to throw me under the bus because you’re still pissed you didn’t get to be captain!”

Now it seems Tenpenny’s stirred anger in the detective.

“Sir you gravely offend my honour with such false accusations! My motives are pure.”

“LIKE HELL THEY ARE *****! You haven’t shit for this team besides losing our first challenge motherfucker! I’m the one that’s bringing this team back from the brink! I am! You got the fucking balls to come at me like I’m the rat *****!?”

“That’s enough.”

Bruce says suddenly, in a firm tone. Some of his playboy persona cracking slightly.

“Detective, these are serious claims. What do you have to back them up?”

“My good word as an honourable investigator,” Herlock says pridefully.

Bruce, already frowning, grows more severe in his expression.

“That’s all?”

Herlock sputters in surprise.

“Well... yes! What more do you need!? I heard it all and now the man himself has admitted it!! That should be more than enough to convict! We both agreed-“

“What we!?” Tenpenny interjects. Herlock’s left stammering once more.

“I… erm.”

“Who else did you convince to try and fuck me over!?” Tenpenny demands. “Because you if turned someone else on this team against me motherfucker-“

“Calm yourself! I meant the royal we.” Herlock insists. Quietly from her chair, Penny breathes a sigh of relief.

“I am the only one on this case!” Herlocks says. “But no doubt it was enough! As always! Now that the truth is out justice will surely prevail.”

He looks to Bruce for reassurance, the billionaire offers him none. Tenpenny folds his arms and sneers vengefully.

“Guess we’ll see about that, won’t we?”

A terribly awkward silence fills the room as they break to vote. Once the last ballots have been cast, Chris stands before them with his arms crossed behind him. Their host brimming with glee, as he often is anytime the cast devolves into infighting.

“Well… Supertasks, pretty juicy night we’re having isn’t it? Votes are cast, I think after that show we just had you probably know who’s in the bottom two but we’ll still drag it out for funsies.

Following house guests are safe.

Sam and Max,

Penny,

Elizabeth,

Zelda,

Steve,

Olivia,

And Bruce, you all get your cookies.”

He throws them each a cookie chip cookie. Unsurprisingly once he’s done, it’s Herlock and Tenpenny that remain without one.

“Each of you thinks the other one’s turned traitor,” Chris announces. “The rest of the team has cast their votes and the majority of them has taken one of your sides. That person is…

…

..

…

.

…

……..

….

“Tenpenny!” Chris cries. “Well done Captain, your team stands behind you.”

Tenpenny catches his cookie, bitterly.

“Justice prevails.”

Herlock rises to his feet once more, he seems disoriented.

“This… this can’t be! There must be some mistake, I solved the case like I always do. I found the culprit! Now what!? The criminal gets to go free and the lawman is taken in chains?”

“’fraid so dude,” Chris says. Herlock sighs disappointedly, then rallies, and draws himself to full height.

“Fiends! Scoundrels! Vagabonds! You think you’ve won today but rest assured! No matter what setbacks confound him, The Great Herlock Sholmes always gets his man in the end!!”

And with an overly dramatic flap of his hunting coat and a turn of his cap, he marches out of the door, and out of the game. His portrait goes dark a moment later.

Tenpenny rises sombrely. Steve puts a hand on his shoulder.

“You alright man?”

“Fine,” He says gruffly. “I got one rule, you can talk to me however you want, but don’t ever stick a fucking knife in my back.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Bruce says, though even as he says it, he wonders how honest he’s being. Tenpenny smiles wryly.

“’ppreciate it Wayne. Ain’t too often you see a rich white motherfucker sticking his neck out for some hard-working ***** like me. Not let’s get a move on. We may have lost again, but at least we get to keep our beds.”

…

Herlock wanders out onto the grey surface of the asteroid Rodney’s House is perched on, already scheming about what to do next when…

“Detective!”

Penny Crayon comes running.

“I still believe you.” She says breathlessly. “Sorry the others won’t. It’s not fair.”

Herlock sighs beleaguered.

“Quite alright Dear Penny. No one ever said being the best detective there is would be easy, if it was everyone would do it.”

“What are you going to do now? Sneak back into the House and solve the case?”

Herlock chuckles.

“No, I must respect the will of democracy. My time is finished by the criminals are not, which is why I must now put my faith in you.”

Penny blinks in surprise.

“Me?”

“Yes my Dear Penny, my eviction has made it clear that Tenpenny is only the tip of the iceberg. These conspiracies go deeper still, and I trust you to uncover them all!”

“Well, that’s a bit of a tall order then, isn’t it?” The girl muses to herself. “Detective I’ve been intending to ask, why’d decide to trust me of all people with all of this.”

“Because my dear, you remind me greatly of a very close associate of mine back in London.”

He whips an old photo out of his coat and shows it to her. Penny’s expecting some version of John Watson or some other Victorian man in a bowler cap. What she isn’t expecting is a girl her age in steampunk attire and with her hair done up in elaborate curls.

“My young ward Iris Wilson,” Herlock explains. “Perhaps the greatest mind in the Empire besides my own. You remind me greatly of her.”

He takes off his hunting cap and places it on her head.

“Do me proud Penny Crayon!”

Penny draws herself to full height and salutes him.

“You can count on me Sholmes!”

“Ha HA! Splendid!”

He salutes her back.

“Godspeed to you Miss Crayon! Until we meet again!”

With that, he tilts up his chin and walks off across the little asteroid. Penny calls after him.

“Do you know where you’re supposed to be going now that you’re eliminated?”

“Not a clue!”

…

Later, back in Rodney’s study. Conner swivels his chair towards the camera.

“Well, that’s our episode folks! Another chaotic one, though to be fair, most of them are. They call it Total Drama for a reason.

So what’s new today? Well, Chris continues to be a menace to society, that’s not new, but him finding loopholes in Rodney’s man-child proofing is a startling development.”

He shutters.

“That man, I swear, no joke, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen demons in his eyes. We’ll have to reign him in next episode, and Alucard to while we're at it. Maybe Tenpenny can offer us some advice with that, as it looks like he’s just successfully dealt with the biggest challenge to his authority. Though, well, admittedly he still has Batman on his team, even if he really wants us to forget he’s Batman.

There’s also Penny, But I mean… she’s what nine? He probably doesn’t have to worry about her. Or maybe he does? Who knows? We’ll have to see how this all shakes out next time! On Total Drama Homespun!”

Chapter Text

Homespun Episode Seven:

Homeschooled Part 1: All I Ask of You

...

Last time! On Total Drama Homespun!" Chris begins. "I had myself the best darn time a host could ask for, spending a challenge repeatedly blowing up my cast and the ratings over and over again. True, while some of the other staff and contestants disproved of my methods, by the end of the day I had everyone knowledgeable enough to build their own disaster houses. Just in time for Alucard to obliterate the Supertasks.

Ultimately, it was Herlock, playing his cards a bit too soon that ended up going home, but not before he could pass his legacy onto the trusted hands of his teams' youngest player, Penny. Which I'm sure isn't going to put any sort of pressure on her at all."

…

A little fake sun rises over the cabins. Kissing the fake trees and fake foliage with fake sunlight.

Living in the Rodney House was taking some getting used to, and it came easier for some than others.

"Annie…"

Jack Smith's handwriting, still awkward and blocky at his age dances across the page of the journal he brought from home.

"Things have been developing very interesting… so far I guess."

He crosses the last two words out for being unprofessional. Ever since he and his sister had discovered a magical Arthurian tree house that could travel through time, he'd taken being a professional scientist very seriously.

He pauses, pencil lead bouncing indeterminately on paper as he wonders whether he should voice his next thought

"…But Annie, you can tease me for this late, I'm having trouble making friends here without you. It's so different going on an adventure alone, without you or Teddy or Kathleen or Morgan. I wish you were here. I know you feel the same way. You are probably really bored alone back in Frog Creek. But At least you have everyone back home to talk to. I have been trying to talk with my teammates but it's…" He thinks for a moment trying to find a more professional word than 'hard'. "…It's challenging, finding connections sometimes."

The commotion behind him tears his attention away from the page. He and the Ordinals have moved back into the nicer of the two team cabins, and with the extra space he was hoping things would be less tense. But that might have been naïve.

Katara and Shego's voices ring down the hall.

"Apologize to Meg!"

"Why don't instead you tell me why your four eyed friend why can't move three feet without getting in my way!?"

"You ran into her!"

"You ran into her. Wah. I can't wait to lose again, so we can finally get rid of her!"

"She's not the one going home next Shego!"

"Katara this is probably my fault anyway-"

"Don't concede to her Meg!"

"SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Jack jumps. The voices in the hall go silent, as the entire cabin is filled with a booming cry.

"THE GREAT AND MIGHTY AND ALL-POWERFUL, VULTUREMAAAN! IS TRYING TO NAAAAP! SO KEEP IT DOOOOOWN!"

Theirs a few beats of silence before he hears several footsteps disperse.

Mildly shaken Jack returns to his journal.

"I thought after all our adventures I was getting good at talking to new people. As it turns out I was just good at doing it with my sister besides me. But I will keep trying. If I can find one person to be friends with life will be so much easier here.

The good news for now is no one seems to not like me. Maybe it turns out I am good at this game.

Will write again soon.

Jack."

Jack tears the page from the journal and inspects his letter for spelling errors.

As he does Katara walks into the living room, still simmering. Her mood lightens slightly when she spots him.

"At least I don't have to worry about fighting with you Jack."

"What's going on?"

Their captain Philip J Fry has appeared.

"Why was everyone disturbing one of Vultureman's patented vulture naps?" He asks in a low voice, weary of his monstrous teammate.

Katara sighs annoyed.

"It's nothing." She says shortly. "Just Shego being Shego."

Fry groans. "You two are fighting again?"

"She started it!"

"Katara we need to learn to get along."

"I'm trying." Katara insists impatiently. "It's easy most of the time, but we've got a few people on this team who aren't what I'd call team players…especially that vampire."

All eyes drift to a dark room a little ways away,

One of the nice things about being back in the Good Cabin was having enough space to give Alucard, the resident vampire his own room.

Alucard was out at the moment, sometimes he'd disappear like that, roaming somewhere in the House presumably. Nobody had yet worked up the courage to ask him where he went.

"I know not everyone gets along, but chin up." Fry say. "Our team's still the best and we're going to win this thing. Got it? Everyone else still believes in us Ordinals."

Wallace Wells bursts into the room with usual confidence, packed suitcase at his side.

"Welp, I'm quitting. See you around the multiverse gang."

"What!?" Fry yelps. Somewhere unseen Vultureman makes a grim sound.

"What?" He repeats more softly. "Wallace, what are you talking about?"

"I've done what I came for," Wallace explains. "All that's left to do is find Chris and tell him I want to get out."

With that Wallace steps out the front door of their cabin.

"Wallace wait!" Fry cries charging after him.

"Wait. If you're going to find Chris I'm going too." Jack says, getting up. "I need to find out how to mail a letter back home."

…

Chris McLean yawns and stretches, his mind plagued by a constant foe, boredom.

"Pay attention." Conner tells him, he's standing in front of a slide projector, showing an old engraving of a vampire. Chris groans.

"This is why nobody watched Endless by the way." Chris complains. "Somehow you can even make vampires boring."

"Chris if you didn't want to learn how to control your precious little bloodsucker contestant then you shouldn't have grabbed him in the first place. I mean I've powers that could stop him."

"You not using any of those powers this season." Chris says sternly.

"Yes, you've made that very clear,"" Conner shrugs. "Hell if I care, maybe you're right, maybe we shouldn't focus on reigning Alucard in and just let him off the leash until he wrecks everything. Wouldn't be my problem. You're the one who keeps taking credit for this season."

Chris gives him a sour look.

The door opens and in comes Princess Peach, trailed by some of her toads.

"Hello you two, I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Never, Peachy. What do you need?" Conner asks.

"Oh, nothing from you Conner. Mr. McLean, Rodney asks me to kindly remind you that he still needs help with today's challenge. He can't work his house's magic without your direction after all."

"Great! That's for the tip your Highness, tell Rod I'll be there. Conner, it's a real shame but I guess we'll have to pick this up later when I've got some free time."

"Yes, because you've famously got a lot of that," Snarks Conner. Chris flashes him a grin.

"Hey, that's hosting for you. I've got challenges that need designing. As you proved last season no one's fit for the job but me."

He makes to leave. Conner pauses for a second, then asks abruptly.

"Princess, you and your friends wouldn't have any ideas for a challenge would you?"

"WHAT!?" Chris yelps.

Peach let's out a high-pitched squeak of excitement.

"Wait there!" She cries.

She darts off to her bedroom, and returns nearly as quick, arms filled with drawings and journal.

"Daisy and I had a sleepover back in the Mushroom Kingdom! We came up with so many wonderful ideas, but I hadn't any idea we'd get to chance to use them!"

"Okay slow down!" Chris says. "What's happening right now?"

"I just got us some extra free time," Conner says. "Peachy, you and your girlfriends come up with any long-term challenges. Something like the Endless merge that could run for a week."

"A week!?" Chris demands.

"Oh, I do like how you think Conner," Peach says, shuffling around her stash of plans.

The doorbell rings. First once, then several times in a row.

All three of them pause and look up.

"What now?" Chris says shortly.

Conner sighs.

…

Lo and behold as with every other time they've been summoned to it, there on the doorstep is Perky the Mermaid. This time she has with her a trumpet and a large bass drum strapped to her front, like she's in a marching band.

"Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me? OoooOOoo-oh-oh.
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me? For your game!"

"How many times Perky! No!" Conner barks.

"Would you just give me a chance already!"

Perky says, dropping her act and her instruments and begging. "Please, please, please, please let me on your show again! I promise I won't get in the way. Whatever you want from me I'll do it!"

Chris laughs. "Oh really?"

"Really, I swear anything!" Perky says emphatically.

"Dude? Uh, I hate to break it to you but in order to compete, or volunteer, or do anything on this show. You uh, you kind of need working legs."

He gestures to her fish bowl and her little blue mermaid tail. Perky flushes self-consciously.

"But there were like five different guys with wheelchairs last season!"

"It was only two," Conner says. "Neither of them had to drag around a heavy fishbowl."

Perky pouts then crossly she begins shimming out of her bowl.

"Fine! No! That's okay! You don't want the fishbowl! Then I can just hang out on land like the cool kids!"

She slips out onto the ground and starts thrashing around on the ground like a tuna loose on the deck of a fishing trawler.

"Perky would you cut that out!? Cut it out! Get out of here! You're getting water on Rodney's carpet!"

"Too late! I'm already in the house!"

"Conner…" Peach says. "Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give her a chance?"

"No. Someone get the broom."

…

Wallace marches the hall opening doors in search of staff. Fry and Jack trailing.

"I don't understand!" Cries the Ordinals captain. "Why give up when you're doing well!?"

"It's nothing personal Fry, I just didn't come to win. Total Drama has been popular over in Toronto lately. My old roommate Scott was on a season called Bon Voyage, his girlfriend Ramona and Julie or whatever her name is were both on Endless last season. Everyone's been competing, but no one's done well." Wallace explains.

"I bet everyone that if I competed, I'd get further than they did, and as of last episode, I officially have. My purpose has been fulfilled."

"Wallace, think about this!" Fry begs. "I mean… we're talking about you potentially losing five million dollars here! Even I wouldn't blow that much money…. Expect that one time I lost 4.3 Billion. But that was different! And besides, I wouldn't do it twice."

"I've done my research on this show," Wallace says blithely. "Even if I did win half the time people don't get to keep the prize money. Now that I beat my buddies, the only thing I have to gain from sticking around here is humiliation. So, I'd like to leave on my own terms, ideally before any more sexually charged women hurl themselves at me."

Something slams into Wallace, knocking him to the ground.

It's Perky.

"Oh, hi there, fellow contestant!" She says batting her eyelashes at him. "Hey you're kind of cute ain't ya?"

"Are you kidding?" Wallace demands to the heavens.

Perky laughs flirtatiously, then stops abruptly, looking up at Wallace, Fry, Jack, and the hallway behind them with an odd sense of shock.

"Uh hi?" Jack says. "Are you part of the house? Do you know where Chris and Rodney are?"

Jack turns to look over his shoulders and discovers Alucard is standing further down the hall, surveying them in the distance.

"What's wrong? Are you scared of Alucard?"

"Keep your hands off him, he's mine," Wallace tells her.

She begins to stammer something but doesn't get a chance to say it. The staff have caught up to them. Chef grabbing the Mermaid by her tail and hauling her off Wallace.

"You heard the hosts. This show's for people with legs only fish girl."

"Wait!" Perky says, tone now urgent. "No! Wait you have to listen!"

"The heck I don't! Everybody duck your heads! TEN HUT!"

Returning to the front door, he pitches back and kicks Perky out to the door. She goes sailing off the asteroid and into the darkness of space. Crying out as she goes.

"Waaaaaaait!"

"Wow! She when far!" Daisy cries.

Chef looks proud.

"Haven't sent something that far since my old college football days."

Peach shakes her head.

"Poor thing. I'm sure me and Daisy could have found use for her in our challenge."

"We get to do a challenge!?" Daisy exclaims, looking excited.

"No!" Chris says loudly. "You're not! Don't listen to Conner!"

"Oh, but Mr. McLean!" Peach begins.

"Save it Peachy. It's not happening, I'm not giving you my show for the week."

"Hang on a minute," Chef says. "You're telling me, the girls are willing to give you a week's worth of paid vacation time, and you're not interested."

He waves a hand in Chris's face.

"You feeling okay?"

"It's not vacation time, and it's about principal Chef!" Chris insists. "I just got this house to work for me, and I intend to capitalize on that by giving the viewers what they want! High-octane actions, explosions, super extreme gross-out, humiliation and above all-"

"Chris! Buddy! Can we talk a minute?" Wallace Wells interjects, placing a hand on Chris's shoulder and giving his host an overly friendly smile.

"As one of your active contestants this season. I've really admired the creativity you've displayed with all these fun ideas of yours. But while me and the gang have been thoroughly enjoying the last few days of fighting mythical monsters, being trapped in the fleshy bowels of an eldritch horror, and being caught in fifty natural disasters at the same time, maybe, just maybe we could slow it down for a week? Just to help better pace things out for the viewers at home?"

Chris begins to protest.

"…Also, if you don't listen to these people, I'm quitting the show right here and now," Wallace says quickly.

"Wait?" Fry says. "If we got this long episode, you'd stay Wallace?"

"I'd consider it at least."

Fry grabs Chris's shirt.

"Please give us the special episode!"

Chris looks around at all the expectant faces surrounding him and moans bitterly.

"Fine! The Princesses can do their episode."

The group cheers.

"Nice job Wallace," Fry says.

"Do you think these guys are going to go easier on us?" Jack asks.

Wallace smirks.

"Hey, it's Princess Peach, everyone's favourite non-offensive video game female. It can't be that bad."

He turns to Peach.

"Let's hear it Princess, what've you got in mind?"

Both Peach and Daisy let out a very Entrapta like giggle.

…

A few hours later, the cast find themselves gathered in a large school gymnasium, complete with bleachers a non-electronic scoreboard, basketball hoops, and even a large mural for the school team The Rodney High Rodents.

"Was, not expecting High School." Admits Wallace, tersely sipping his ever-present cosmopolitan.

"It'll be a cakewalk compared to yesterday," Katara says. "Thanks for blackmailing Chris into making this happen Wallace."

"Let it be said I'm a man of the people."

The staff enter, Peach and Daisy leading the pack for once. The two have dressed up for the occasion.

The princesses look like they've stepped out of a 1980s fashion magazine, Peach wears a bright broad-shouldered pink blazer with a matching skirt, a white blouse with a ribbon on its collar, and dark leggings with white pumps. Daisy has on an oversized orange power suit, again with massive shoulder pads, and a loose cream-coloured blouse. Both women had their hair teased up into big gravity-defying curls and waves, and their make-up and jewelry were just as big and loud.

The only things about them that don't seem era accurate are their headwear, in lieu of their normal crowns, Peach now dons a pair of pink cat ears and Daisy for reasons that surely make sense to her and her alone, now has an upside brass teapot perched atop her head.

"Ta-da!" Peach chirps. "Principal Peach and Vice-Principal Daisy reporting for duty. Welcome everyone to Rodney High!"

"Ugh, why high school of all things?" Miko asks.

"As some of you already know, Mr. McLean was kind enough to let me and Daisy pick a special challenge for you," Peach explains. "I thought 'What nicer thing to do to our lovely competitors than to give them a cozy school experience. Just as we had in Endless."

"I'm surprised you look back on your time at Hogwarts so fondly Peachy," Conner says, amused.

"I look back on all my time on your season positively," Peach insists. "Now where is our other vice-principal?"

"Rosie get out here!" Daisy calls.

They hear Rosalina shuffling in the hall.

"I've changed my mind. The stars do not look brightly on this change in fashion."

"Oh yes, they do!"

Daisy rushes back into the office and drags out her friend. Rosalina appears, similarly dressed to her two friends head to toe in 80s business attire, her quirk seems to be that she's wearing the ears, tail and mask of a raccoon dog.

"This was a mistake…" She whispers, much more self-conscious than usual.

"Oh, don't be silly Rosie, you look wonderful." Peach insists. She turns back to the contestants.

"I suppose you're still wondering what the rules of this challenge will be. Christopher, perhaps you'd be so kind?"

"Wow, do I get a chance to actually do my job?" Chris asks. "How thoughtful. Anyway, houseguests you probably get the gist of this already. For this "Challenge," it's basically just the normal school experience, you'll be going to classes, doing homework, making friends blah, blah, blah, boring, boring, boring for a whole week until you get to prom."

Meg looks excited. "We get our own prom?"

"Oh yeah, it'll be great." Chris snarks. "You guys get to dance, romance, and wear some tacky dated prom tuxes and little shiny dresses that look like cupcakes, then afterward you'll be crowning a head of class, and a Homecoming King and Queen. I, E person with the best grades and the most popular boy and girl. Just so there's a quote on quote "Point" to all the socializing and studying you'll be doing.

Team with the most teammates crowned gets immunity and a treasure trove of fancy vanity items you get to keep even if your team loses, which seems excessive, but hey! Apparently, my say doesn't matter!"

"So essentially all we got to do for the next week is survive being back in high school?" Sam asks. "Sounds easy enough."

"Sounds like a reoccurring nightmare of mine." Max quips.

"Why's it got to be a whole week man!?" Miko demands. "I came here to get away from school!"

Chris seems to perk up.

"I mean if you houseguests want to do a real challenge, I've got a couple of great concepts I was kicking around you'll probably like. Like a killer buffet full of exotic delicacies that'll make you hurl, or a seventeen-part torture course that'll leave at least one of you bald and three of you naked and covered in sores, or-"

"School's good," Max says.

"Sure, do love me some school," Miko declares.

"Really is underappreciated school is," Penny comments.

…

The staff give them a walkthrough of their new school. The contestants gawking at their surroundings as usual. Steve Harrington takes it all in looking exceptionally impressed.

"Holy shit, this could almost be Hawkins,"

He stops smiling and squints.

"...Except for that."

The other contestants look as well. In the distance, they see the townsfolks and their fellow classmates. More robotic creations of the house. All dressed in eighties attire, and all for one reason or another, anthropomorphic animals.

"Uh… Oh-kay how to say it?" Miko asks. "Chris, why are all our classmates furries?"

"Ask Rodney," Chris insists boredly.

The squirrel chuckles awkwardly.

"Yes, When the princesses gave me the instructions for the kind of NPCs they wanted, my own subconscious audience memories of my school years may have been factored in, resulting in well… non-human townspeople we'll call them."

Severally anthropomorphic classmates pass by, all with perms and acid-washed jeans.

"For whatever reason the house algorithm, also seemed to favour a very later 1980s early 1990s aesthetic for Peach's vision." Rodney says.

"I can work with that," Steve says grinning.

Chris smirks. "Good, because to fit in, you'll all be dressing the part."

"Meaning 80s fashion and animal ears." Chef grunts.

"Is that what's up with you three?" Fry asks the Principals. Peach nods.

"That's right, me and Rosalina had a little help from some items I had brought. She's a Tanuki, I'm a cat."

"And I'm an elephant!" Daisy declares gesturing to the teapot on her head. Rosalina gives her a look of surprise.

"Is that what you are? Daisy, why didn't you import some elephant fruit from the Flower Kingdom? You were just there recently weren't you?"

Daisy grimaces.

"Yeah… no thanks."

"We don't ever need to be elephants again," Peach insists.

"We're good."

"Yes."

"One and done."

"Very wonderful adventure all of us had but I'd be happy to not repeat it."

"Also, a balloon, really, never want to ever be a balloon again."

"No."

"You'd agree if you'd been there Rosie."

"Yes… now!" Peach clapped her hands together. "Get changed, everyone! We're going to have so much fun together!"

…

Steve Harrington emerges from the changing stall. There's a pair of fake dog ears on his head and a belt with a fake tail wrapped around his waist, besides that he hasn't changed his hair or clothes. Already set for the decade.

It's much more entertaining seeing his teammates emerge.

"I must say, Steve, your future seems just as curt with its dresses as it is it's language." Comments Elizabeth dryly. Steve laughs. She's got the ears and tails of a lioness along with a button-down dress with a belt around the waist, sunglasses and a brown jacket. A fairly conservative look, though he guessed any dress that showed ankles was scandalous to Elizabeth's time.

Otherwise, the rest of his team didn't look too far removed from their usual selves. Just a bit more casual.

Penny's must have been from his time as she looks very similar, having only traded her collared shirt and tie for an orange sweater and beaver ears and teeth. Olivia's lab coat, scarf and pencil skirt have been traded in for acid-washed jeans, sandals, a neon-patterned button-down shirt and a vest. She also wears coyote ears and a tail. Tenpenny wears wolf ears, jeans, a turtleneck and a gold chain, and Bruce Wayne now in slacks and a large button-down shirt seems to be deeply conscious of the bat ears and nose he's been given.

"Where's Zelda?" He asks.

"The princess says she'll need more time changing," Penny says. "Sounds like she's bothering over the clothes she's been given."

"Give her time, not like where in a rush." Tenpenny laughs.

"You seem confident as ever Captain." Observes Elizabeth.

"I am Bennet," Tenpenny says. "Holmes turning traitor and that damned vampire may have ruined our day yesterday, but I got a good feeling about this one. High School ain't exactly something Alucard's gonna be able to brute force his way through, so there's no advantage there for the Ordinals. Us Supertasks however got our own ace up are sleave, don't we Harrington?"

Steve shrugs modestly.

"Yeah, I graduated high school like, less than a year ago in June '85, so I can another week of it in my sleep."

Tenpenny chuckles. "That's what I want to hear Steve."

The Ordinals begin emerging, having transformed considerably more than the Supertasks.

Katara's now dressed as an Otter with a denim jacket, white sneakers skirt and a navy-blue top with her people's tribal emblem on it. A pair of rounded brown animal ears, a belt with a short tail attached, and a little tint of grease paint to paint the tip of her nose. Meg dons a pair of denim overalls with a frilly pink T-shirt underneath. Her hair is tied to the side with a scrunchie. Bear ears and tail, grease paint nose. Miko is a seal with, athletic wear, a baggy t-shirt, a headband, legwarmers and dolphin shorts.

Vultureman's a jock in a red variety jacket, jeans and black high-heeled boots, interesting enough it doesn't seem like he's been given any additional animal motives. Fry wears a red tracksuit and wears dog ears like Steve, Wallace is a rooster, with a loud polo, short shorts, and tinted shades, and Jack seems to be the only one on their team that's retained his normal outfit, now with mouse ears and a darked tip of his nose.

"Zelda?" Bruce called. "Everyone else is finished, are you close to being done?"

"No!"

"Everything alright in there, sweetie?" Olivia calls.

There's a momentary pause then.

"Coming," Comes Zelda's curt reply.

A moment later she joins them, the princess's hair curled and teased like the rest of them, her loose blouse sea green and her long, frilled skirt a warm brown, matching the high boots beneath them.

The team squints at her.

"Okay, weird. What kind of animal did they give you?" Steve asks.

Zelda's eyes, now hiding behind blue-tinted gold-rimmed glasses dart away from them. She grimaces slightly exposing two fangs.

"She's a dragon!"

Katara's strolled over, some of the other Ordinals flanking her. She looks at Zelda in great surprise.

"She doesn't look like any dragon I've seen. What's with the antlers?" Fry says.

"That's a feature of Asian dragons," Jack said dutifully.

"That's how dragons look like in my world," Katara says. Zelda looks to her for reassurance.

"In Hyrule as well this is what they resemble. Antlers and manes and long slender bodies. There are some that are permanent fixtures in our skies, all many thousands of years old…" She coughs awkwardly. "I believe I'm supposed to have become the Light Dragon, I, I mean I'm supposed to resemble it."

"Why did you get an animal from back home when I didn't?" Katara wonders aloud. Zelda looks uncomfortable.

"Well, I think it's cool!" Fry declares. "Once back when me and my gang got sucked into Bender's D&D world that one time, I got turned into a dragon and it was awesome! I just wished I had stayed like that longer."

Zelda whimpers.

"I'd thank you folks to refrain from harassing my team," Tenpenny says, shoving Fry away. "Not unless you want to meet out in the parking lot behind the playground."

"Big talk for the team with more losses!" Miko challenges.

"Hey, we've lost one more time than you losers have!" Steve says.

"Well, it'll be two times by the end of this week," Katara says.

"Oh really?" Tenpenny says tone light. "I don't know if you Ordinals notices but we Supertask's got our act together these days. Now that that bastard Sholmes is gone, we're one team with one goal, kicking your sorry asses out of the house!"

Most of the Supertasks cheer. Tenpenny folds his arms.

"You got that kind of cohesion on your team Captain Fry?"

Fry blinks. "Uh…"

"Of course he does!" Katara insists.

"Yeah, we're strong and powerful!" Meg cries.

She steps forward. Not a second later she's thrown to the ground.

Shego's just shoved past her, now a black fox in heavy punk attire, massive frizzy hair, dark makeup, a plaid skirt, torn fishnets, and a studded leather jacket.

"What'd I tell you about being in my way nerd?" She laughs, strutting away in high-heeled boots.

Katara glares after her.

"Shego! Get back here!"

"Are we finally killing Shego?" Wallace asks. "Because I'd like to watch that. Save me a set."

"Guys you're making us look bad!" Fry cries.

Tenpenny chuckles.

"I rest my case."

…

The next day dawns and school begins in earnest. The contestants streaming into school earlier than some of them would like to be awake. Their principal waiting for them happily by the front door.

"Good morning everyone! Welcome to school! Good morning to you Zelda."

"Thank you."

"And to you Alucard!"

"Happy to be here," Grins the vampire, hulking frame so light on his feet he's nearly gliding. He seems to be ignoring the costume rule, and it also seems like no one's had to courage to confront him on it.

"Mornin' Principal!"

Max has just strolled up, looking chipper. The record maintaining the rhythm of Peach's bubbly demeanour seems to skip a beat.

"Max… That is quite the unique costume."

"Thank you!" The rabbit says proudly. His animal costume seems to consist of khaki slacks, a blue polo and a human mannequin head of what looks to be a stereotypical 1950s father figure with a wooden pipe and slicked-back hair. The head suspended between his two ears with a copious amount of scotch tape.

"Max little buddy, you're looking real suave today and all but I thought you had a different costume," Sam observes, wandering over. Sam himself is wearing a pair of rabbit ears and buck teeth.

Max shrugs.

"Yeah, I wasn't jiving with that last outfit they gave me so I made my own. Like it? I've always wanted to be human."

"I couldn't imagine anything that'd suit you more."

As promised the halls swarm with other students. The lifeless automatons chittering away in eighties slang as if they had lived full lives and hadn't just materialized yesterday.

"He asked me to prom, as if!"

"Gag me with a spoon!"

"Yo! You coming to tryouts?"

"Catch you at the Arcade after school!"

"Mom said the ladies at church think D&D is Satanic."

"That is serious bullshit!"

"I'm tellin' you guys, New Coke tastes better,"

"No way."

"Way!"

Several of the machines gawk at Jack as he makes his way to homeroom to get his schedule. He ignores them, already deciding he's not going to worry much about the literal popularity contest. Leave that to someone who got along easily with people, like Wallace, or Katara.

A squawking laugh alerts him to the presence of Vultureman, already chatting ideally with several robotic peers. Maybe he'd be the popular one, surprisingly.

As for Jack, he'd be trying to stay top of class this week. Sure, it was High School and he was still in sixth grade, but he was ahead in his studies back home, and he certainly done a lot harder things than move up a couple grades.

He had a good feeling about this.

…

The cast is split into two different study groups, so every class they take they can expect to see about half of the other contestants.

Jack's first period is history, which he takes mostly with the Supertasks, when he arrives in second-period science, he finds Miko, Meg, and Katara waving to him.

He sits down next to them, waiting for class to begin. In walks, Princess Zelda looking as ever like she'd like to blend in with the wallpaper.

"Princess! Over here!" Katara shouts.

Zelda looks around uncertainly, as if expecting one of the other princesses to appear, before slowly, she walks over to them.

"Do you want to come sit with us? We saved you a seat."

Zelda blinks. "But you're all on the other team?"

"Don't let Tenpenny control your life. You seem nice." Katara says. Zelda sits down apprehensively.

"Are you excited for science class?" Meg asks.

Miko snorts. "Why don't you ask her to her face if she's a nerd?"

"I was just trying to be social."

"Actually, I am very excited for science," Zelda admits. "It's always been a subject I'm rather fond of."

"I just got out of history class," Jack says with a hint of pride. "Toadworth is teaching us, he said he'd go easy on us because he's learning the subject at the same time as we are. Most of it was American history. Toadsworth was very impressed with my knowledge of the American Revolution. He said sounds it almost sounded like I knew George Washington personally."

He smiles then stops, noticing the four girls grinning at him.

"What's up?"

"It's cute when he talks like a grown-up," Meg says.

"He's our cute little smarty pants." Coos Miko.

The others giggle. Jack deflates.

"I'm ten years old," He says defensively. He looks to Zelda, hoping the Supertask girl will feel differently about him.

"My team can be like this, unfortunately. There was a whole incident back in the Permian Basin Superorganism they won't-"

"Those little mouse ears are adorable." Zelda squeaks.

The other girls giggle.

Jack lets out a long sigh.

The door burst open and in comes their teacher. Entrapta's seems to have some liberties with her fashion sense. She had previously voiced to aversion to different outfits and had tepidly agreed to one if she had been allowed to choose it. Entrapta's resulting interpretation of 80s fashion was characteristically odd, consisting of a lavender Greco-style minidress, gloves and thigh-high boots more befitting a supervillain than a teacher.

"Ah, subjects!" She proclaims. "You've gathered, how wonderful!"

She slams down her notes on her desk emphatically

"Today I'll be attempting to share some of the vast array of things I've learned in my many, many experiments! Hopefully, some of it will be of benefit to you, maybe even enough so that you'll one day be where I am. Eliminated from the game and volunteering as an intern!"

"Sorry again for voting you out!" Meg calls.

Entrapta waves her off.

"Nonsense, I'm much happier on the staff NOW! Let's get some brain exercises going so that I can ascertain where your skill levels lie.

Three types of rocks! What are they?"

"Oh I know this," Zelda says quietly. "Ig-"

"Igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic." Comes a voice not her own. She looks and her heart sinks. Sitting at the front of the class is a familiar face.

"Very good Doctor Octavius!" Entrapta beams. "Noble gases! Name 'em!"

Again Olivia answers before Zelda can.

"In descending periodical order, Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Oganesson."

Entrapta scratches her head with her pigtail. "What was that last one?"

"New synthetic element, they created it in a lab a few years ago," Olivia says pleasantly.

"Very good, now why don't we let someone else answer one?"

Zelda sticks her hand up.

"Ah, fellow princess!" Entrapta says. "Tell me! The fundamental forces of the universe."

Zelda's mouth is suddenly dry. "The universe?" She repeats mystified. They hadn't even mapped their entire planet back in Hyrule. The stars beyond were a mystery.

"Don't know them? That's all right! Olivia, care to fill us in?"

"Gravitational Force, Weak Nuclear Force, Strong Nuclear Force, and Electromagnetic Force."

"Excellent work Olivia, top of the class as I expected you to be." Entrapta beams. "Even if you did forget about Magical Force."

"I would have mentioned magic," Zelda says glumly.

Olivia leans back in her chair to face them. "Zelda honey, I always appreciate the enthusiasm, but how about you worry about the popularity contest, while I get top grade for us? That fine?"

Zelda nods and slumps her shoulders. Katara looks sympathetic.

"Don't let her get to you. There's people that try and get under your skin like that on our team too."

"And whom might that be?" Crones a voice behind her. Katara jumps. Entrapta looks up.

"Ah, Alucard! You finally made it to class."

"Of course…" Purrs the monster, floating through the wall and into the classroom. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, after six centuries I believe I'm overdue for a well-rounded education."

He floats down into a desk.

"My most sincere apologies for being tarty, professor. I've been busy lately keeping an eye on our hosts. It seems lately they've been conspiring about ways to limit my power."

He laughs darkly.

"It'd be amusing if it wasn't so pathetic."

"Ah, so this is the famous Alucard!" Olivia says, eyeing the vampire keenly. "So nice to see you up close for once, normally the challenges make that difficult. Disappointed by the lack of costume though."

"I could change my look whenever I please, but I'm happy with it as is."

"I'll say, do you mind? There's not a lot of vampires in New York to study… unless you count the rumours about that Doctor Morbius."

She gets up and examines him appraisingly, circling around to see him from each different angle before settling in front of him, eyes swimming with excitement.

"Yes, you are something magnificent aren't you Alucard?" She breathes "…Especially if that name's not just for show. I haven't seen the last season, but I'd be willing to bet you are the single most powerful specimen to play this game, aren't you?"

Alucard sneers. "Yet our so-called hosts think they can put a leash on me like I was their dog."

"Conner says he has ways he could do that with some of his more special TV powers," Entrapta says brightly, seemingly forgetting she's supposed to be in the middle of teaching class. "But apparently he's not allowed to use them."

Olivia smiles. "They must be desperate, Our captain over on the Supertasks's been complaining a lot recently about how unfair you've made things. Almost nice to hear Conner and McLean have taken notice, but… I don't think it'll make much of a difference. Will it?"

"That's one of the smartest observations I've seen all game," Alucard says, grin broadening. He casts his opaque cast out the window.

"If there's anything in the world that can match my power, you won't find it here amongst you people. You'd have to search much more thoroughly and much farther away."

Jack sighs and looks out the window to the fake sky beyond.

"Maybe there's a friend I can talk to out there too, that'd be nice."

…

The Karliq screamed through the endless void between realities.

Though Perky's master Yerdey Yisme isn't particularly large, about a metre tall at best, his personal ship is anything but. Two kilometres long and just as tall, little about it matches any preconceived notions of a starship, in part because it isn't one. It was a transdimensional craft before all else, built like a cathedral designed by a mad surrealist then flipped over on its head.

Sitting in its brightly lit bridge, At his command chair Yerdey massages the squishy mollusk-esque flesh of his head with a tentacled forelimb. Above him swimming freely Perky has worked herself into a fit, flitting around in circles like a guppy just given their fish flakes.

"…and maybe, maybe I got to shake up my approach. He's got a big cast! And it's a big house. I bettcha Yerdey if I get in there and squirm my little self through a window, they won't even notice they've got a sexy new player. Or maybe…"

"Yerdey…"

One of Yerdey's men, his head priest Yalan approaches. Like everyone on the ship besides the mermaid, Yalan was one of Yerdey's own squid-like race, the Fiseng. Stationed with him aboard his war cathedral to give spiritual guidance to the penal legion of soldiers Yerdey so gloriously leads.

"What's the good word Yalan?"

"Could you get your pet to stop making its little human noises? It's been whining like that for quite some time."

Some of the bridge staff nod discreetly. Yerdey groans.

"First of all rude! Rude… Perk's only kind of looks human, but it's like really not cool to just openly call out her disability like that. She can't help it if she was born a degenerate from the waist up. Secondly, we've been over this how many times now? She's not a "pet" she's a henchwoman, and she has a right to complain! She's been done dirty."

"That's wonderful. Tell your 'henchwoman' if she keeps complaining like that she's going to mess up the choir's concentration and it'll be a problem."

Yerdey sighed again. The Karliq like all Fiseng craft propelled itself through the extradimensional void through carefully trained Fiseng Voidsingers that could manipulate the endlessly malleable fabric of unreality with their songs.

Needless to say, this was much easier than using something as primitive as a physical engine.

Fiseng ships almost never used engines unless they were travelling to more difficult-to-access universes, and even they didn't do so lightly.

Reality engines being such dangerously volatile things.

"Perk…" Yerdey says, speaking in a conciliary tone. "Can we put the breaks on this for a bit?"

"Not until I'm back on that Total Drama show!"

"Perk, don't you have better things to do than hanging out on set of some half-rate timeslot filler where the cast doesn't even like you?"

"NO!"

She was in his face now, eyes blazing.

"It's not about the show anymore!" She shouts. "It's about who's on it! Not that I know he's there everything different!"

Yerdey blinks under his veil.

"Okay. Not sure what's getting you all weird, but I'm not helping with this."

"Whhhhy!?" She wines.

"Forget it Perk, you're too excited about this."

Yerdey ignored her and hopped out of his seat, intent on being anywhere else, Perky, tails him, swarming around his head like an irate insect.

"Master, Please! Please! Pleeeeeeease! Help!"

"Let it go Perky."

He made a turn into the Hall of Aenirs, where the ship held various shrines, all cluttered on small pedestals. Each devoted to one of the lesser deities of the multiverse that served beneath the Fiseng God-King, Ulvi Mubarek.

"But I need to be there. I want to, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I WANNA, I WANNA IWANNA IWANNAIWANNAWANA-"

"PERKY!"

The mermaid flinches and goes quiet, Yerdey jabs a disciplinary finger at her.

"Zip it before I get Gilqameş to peg you to the console and leave you there until you've cooled down. I already said to forget it, and you know what else I say Perky?"

His henchwoman slumps disappointedly.

"You're always right about everything Yerdey."

"Correct!" Yerdey emphasizes the point by rolling his Rs, an impressive feat when one considers his lack of teeth.

"Now don't let me hear about this again-"

"But Yerdey-"

"Shush! We're done with this. You're going to behave now like a good little henchwoman, also stop touching that! It's got a minor chaos god trapped inside."

Perky pulls away from the little stone statue of a one-eyed pyramid she'd been prodding with her finger. Then moans and sinks to the floor moping.

A larger-than-normal Fiseng arrives at the door, clad in battle armour.

"I heard my name, followed by a promise of violence, who do I get to hurt?"

"It was an empty threat Gilqameş," Yerdey snaps.

"But I have unsatiated bloodlust."

"I'll deal with it. Perky! Stay here and don't mess with anything until you're ready to be chill okay? If you're good I'll give you a Perky snack."

"Sure Boss…"

They exit, leaving Perky alone, wallowing in a pity of frustration amongst the statues.

"Well… It appears you have got Tarnaq very upset." Laughs a little voice.

Perky sits up.

"What?"

"That is right. I forgot. It is Yerdey Yisme you serve in these parts."

There, above her, in some amongst the dancing colours of the ship's warm lighting, amongst the distortion of the water. There's a flash of green, then a tiny figure grinning down at her from something near the shrine room's tall ceiling.

"Oh, it's you." Perky breathes, relived. "How did you get in here?" She squints. "Is that a new portal gun?"

Her friend swirls a portable gadget in her hand.

"Do you like it? I found it in the ashes of a hidden room in a magic castle. It is quite useful no? I think I am going to get a lot of use from it"

She giggles then places her hands under her chin.

"But I am not the interesting one for once. What was it you said to Yerdey?"

"I have another one!" Perky said excitedly. "It's one we've been looking for forever I found him! He brought him to me!"

She gestures to one of the shrines. Where a bust of a familiar man stands. Under it, in shifting gold tiles of Fiseng script reads.

"Conner O'Gleeson, Aenir of Late-Night Television."

Perky's friend squints.

"Strange. I thought he had a different name too." She shrugs. "No matter. Where is our prize?"

"The Rodney House!"

"In the Unusual Nickelodeon universe?"

"Yeah! But Jerkface Conner O'Jerkson's not letting me in! … The jerk. And now Yerdey's doesn't want to help either!"

"Such a tragedy. I guess without your precious master you will not be helping us."

"No! Please!"

Perky clasps her hands and begs. "I don't care! I don't care if I get in trouble! I don't care what Yerdey says! We can't let this one slip away! You have to help me if you can! For our universe!"

"If I can?"

Her friend laughs.

"Perky mon cher, You should know by now I can do anything I want to."

She twirls her stolen portal gun.

"What is your plan?"

…

The rest of the day passes uneventfully, and the inhabitants of the Rodney House retire for the evening.

Long past evening, when the last of them has drifted off. A door creek open.

A shadowy figure looms over Chris and Conner, asleep in the midst of their research on Alucard.

Carefully they slip out some of the notes from beneath the sleeping television hosts, before drawing a device glowing with a sickly green light.

Elsewhere in Rodney's study, the room sits empty, the great array of screens trilling neutrally as they display a map of the High School.

The computers click and whirl, as an error message flashes on screen.

Back in the contestants' chambers, the figure now stands over the coffin Alucard sleeps in.

…

Day two dawns and some of the novelty has faded for this new school challenge. At least for the contestants that is. Principal Peach still seems more than elated about the whole business. By lunch hour she stands in the corner of the cafeteria, grinning broadly at her school.

Conner walks into the room, Chris trailing behind him, scowling out at what his games becoming without his say. Her eyes brighten at the sight of them.

"Oh hello Conner, Christopher!"

"Hey, Princess,"

"It's Principal now," She says with a wink. Conner chuckles.

"Right, how you enjoying that?"

"Oh, it's been a joy," She says earnestly. "I'm so used to ruling the Mushroom Kingdon on my own, and don't get me wrong, I love my dear little toads more than words can say, but is it great fun to run somewhere different for once with the help of all my friends, even if it's just for pretend. This 80s theming is very fun. I'm really enjoying the music."

"Good, good… Glad you're having fun."

"Yeah…" Chris says bitterly.

Conner shifts his weight.

"Uh, Principal you haven't seen Alucard anywhere, have you? We can't find him."

"You can't?" Peach asks surprised. "Not even with your camera powers Conner?"

"I can't seem to see him."

"How strange… has that ever happened before."

Conner grimaces. "Normally if I can't get a shot of something on production it means that me not knowing about it is going to narratively pay off comedically or dramatically. So uh either way, mildly concerned."

"I'm sure he'll turn up sooner than later," Peach assures him. She gives a little laugh. "He has an education to attend to after all."

"Yes, one can hardly imagine why he'd want to skip out on such a riveting episode of television." Chris muses dryly.

A little ways away Miko slumps into her seat next to some of her fellow Ordinals, looking just as put out as her host.

"UGGH! I take back everything I said yesterday. I forgot how much school suuuuucked!" Whines Miko, sitting together with Meg, Katara and Fry.

"I don't mind it so far, it's kind of neat," Katara says brightly.

"This is already much better than my old high school!" Says a very happy Meg. "I've got all you guys to hang out with and everyone's way nicer than they are back in Quahog!"

Two weasels slip by the table snickering.

"Hey Barfarella! Someone barf toxic crud in your gene pool lately?"

They scamper off laughing. Meg waves at them happily.

"See? Back home they would have said I looked like if Hitler and diarrhea had a baby."

"You worry me sometimes Meg," Katara admits.

"Still, it's good we're all making friends," Fry says. "Look how popular Vultureman already is!"

He points to the popular table, where their most obnoxious team mated is seated amongst throngs of Jocks and Cheerleaders like he's Jesus Christ in the Last Supper.

"…And then Vultureman said! 'Thundercats!? HA! You are more resembling Dundercats! You know what Vultureman's saying!?"

"AHAHA!"

"Oh Em Gosh! Like Vultureman you're so hilarious!"

"You gotta try out for the team V-Man!"

"Your proposal is agreeable Shoebill Braeden!" Squawks Vultureman

The Ordinals watch as his table erupts into another fit of laughter, as they do Jack enters the cafeteria, his tray in hand, looking rather lost.

"Jack!"

Katara waves to the boy, he briefly makes eye contact then shuffles off in the opposite direction. She frowns.

"What's going on with him?"

Jack surveys the bustling cafeteria, heart set on sitting alone to eat and getting lost for a while in the book he borrowed from the cafeteria. Unfortunately, private seating seems hard to come by, but he seems to find out. Only once he's already sat though he releases his mistake.

"Hello!"

He looks up to see the British girl from the Supertasks smiling at him. Not Elizabeth, the one his age. Penny, he thinks her name was.

"Sorry," He says apologetically. "Was this seat taken? I can move."

"Don't worry about it, you're fine to sit with me."

"Thanks," Jack says quietly. Intent on staying quiet for the rest of the lunch hour. Penny it seems has other ideas.

"How come you're not sitting with the rest of your lot?" She asks conversationally.

"I um… I just want a little break from them." He admits. She sighs.

"I can relate to that. Things have been tense with my team lately, and to be honest I'm sort of at the centre of it."

"Really? What's going on with the Supertasks?"

She shoots him an annoyed glance. "Well, I can't tell you, can I? You're the competition!"

"Of course," He says sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

She shoves him playfully.

"There you go apologizing again! It's no big deal really. Honestly, are you from Canada or something?"

"I'm from Frog Creek, Pennsylvania."

"Brillant!" Penny cries. "Don't know anything about that place, you can tell me loads about it. What book are you reading by the way?"

Back with the rest of the Ordinals, Fry's got his head turned, spying on Jack and Penny.

"…Now he's talking to that girl from the other team. What's going on with him?"

"Ah, dang. You think it's puberty?" Miko asks.

"It can't be, Jack's too young," Katara insists.

"You don't think we did something to hurt his feelings did you?" Meg asks.

"Like what? We're basically his three protective older sisters. He's gotta be super grateful to have us around." Miko says.

"I'll go talk to him," Katara says.

She gets up and near instantly brushes past one of Vultureman's girlfriends, causing her to drop their tray. The girl, a terrifying-looking condor squawks in outrage.

"Watch where you going freak!"

"Calm down it was an accident," Katara says.

"No one with hair like yours gets to tell me what to do!"

From the corner of the room, Chris McLean, watching the whole affair casually picks an apple off a student's tray and whistling nonchalantly hurls it at the popular girl, striking her in the back of the head. The cheerleader lets out a squawk of agony, the rest of the room gasps in horror.

Nobody does that to the cool kids!" Shouts a hornbill, pointing an accusatory at Katara.

"Food fight!" Cries someone.

All hell breaks loose in the cafeteria, as a second later half the student body is flinging their meals at one another, while the other half cowers and plots revenge. Most of the contestants joining in with little hesitation.

Chris chuckles.

"Alright, now we're showing some promise here," He nudges Peach. "Nice students there your Highness."

Peach merely stares out at the scene, deeply confused about what to make of this.

"About time, these kids remembered what lunch hour's supposed to be for!" Max exclaims to the Supertasks sitting with him. "You joining in or what?"

Steve seems caught off guard.

"I would but, like I don't think Elizabeth would be down,"

"Let the lady speak for herself," Sam says.

Steve turns and to his immense surprise finds Elizabeth on her feet and laughing, edible projectile in hand.

"I say, Mr Harrington, surely you're not intending on letting our foes' transgressions go unanswered?" She calls.

Steve gawks at her a moment before laughing.

"Let loose the dogs of war and all that!" Penny cries. "You're missing out Jack!"

"Oh, man!"

"What's wrong!?"

"I don't want to ruin a library book," Bemoans Jack, shielding his book with his body. Penny snaps her fingers.

"Never fear! Magic crayon to the rescue!" She cries.

Quickly she sketches them a Roman-style Scutum shield to hide behind.

"Come on then! On your feet solider! Exit's that way!"

The other Ordinals meanwhile have flipped their table and have entrenched themselves against The Supertasks.

A watermelon shatters against the Supertasks table.

"Surely that can not be all your group is capable of?" Elizabeth challenges.

"You wish suckertasks!" Miko shouts.

Now Katara!"

A flick of her friend's wrist collects everything and anything viscous enough to be considered liquid off the tiled floor, conducting it into a large ball. Then with another quick motion from Katara, she sends it rocketing towards the Supertasks.

Max leaps up into the table.

"Human powers! ACTIVATE!"

Max with a great cry of intended heroism leaps into the air, and kicks the ball of soup and sauce away from his team, sending it careening sideways where it splatters onto the back of the variety jacket of an imposing rhino.

The jock swivels around, beady rage-filled eyes settling on the two figures right in front of him, which just so happens to be Jack and Penny.

"Ah, bother, talk about bad timing," Penny says ruefully.

The rhino's jaw clenches.

"You're dead runts!"

Penny beams at him.

"Right, well. Think about that is RUN JACK!"

The two of them bolt out of the room, The Rhino lets out of roar of fury and charges after them. All the while Max cups his hands to his mouth (Real one, not the mannequin's) and shouts.

"My bad!"

Jack's sides are burning, as his legs spirit faster than they have since the time they carried him away from an erupting Mount Vesuvius. The rhino fast on his heels.

"Normally I keep school and danger separate!" He pants.

"Lucky you," Penny says. "I've made a proper mess of things during my lessons once or twice."

"Here!" Jack says, spying the door to the science class and veering into it, then ducking into the teacher's office and baring the door. No sooner as he has he can hear the jock on the other side ram into it.

"When I get in there I'm using you nerds at toothpicks!"

"What's your plan now?" Penny asks.

Beads of sweat run down Jack's forehead. His eyes find another door, one placed awkwardly behind a filing cabinet.

"Here! Help me!"

They both struggle to push it out of the way. Behind them, he can hear the door to the office begin to buckle.

"Oh, man…" He mutters. "The teacher's going so upset with us for destroying her office,"

"Don't worry, It's Entrapta, she'll think nothing of this," Penny assures him.

"I hope you're right."

They shove the cabinet aside, Jack grabs the dusty door handle, it doesn't budge.

"Great! Locked!"

"Is that all?"

Penny quickly sketches out a key and inserts it in the door, it clicks open.

"Go!"

They practically tumble forward into the next room, panting. As their heart rates slow, they sit there silently, listening. Everything seems to be quiet.

"Is he gone then?" Penny whispers.

Suddenly the door's thrown open and the rhino roars.

Jack and Penny yelp in horror as it lunges forward. Then stops.

A curious blank expression overtakes their schoolmate as it robotically stiffens, eyes flashing in error signs.

"Character out of bounds. Return to designated room. Character out of bounds. Return to designated room."

It shuffles around and leaves without acknowledging them. Jack and Penny turn to one another, mystified.

"What was that about?" Penny asks. Jack gives her a helpless look.

"I don't know."

Jack looks around, getting a proper look at their surroundings for the first time. They've entered into a long room, covered wall to wall in hamster cages. The rodents squeak at them as they scurry about, travelling around the room in a highway of colourful plastic tubing that connects their enclosures.

"Weird," Jack says quietly.

"Look over here! It keeps going!"

"Penny?"

Penny's rushed over to the other side of the long room, where another door is waiting.

"Penny, wait, we don't-"

She opens the other door, they both gasp in surprise.

A narrow steel walkway leads down another hall, enclosed on either side by torrents of falling dragon fruits.

"Do you reckon this is still part of the school?" Penny asks.

"I guess?" Jack says, deeply confused now. "Maybe it's another mistake by the house?"

"You mean like the manatees and the Tom Hanks and all that in episode three?"

"Maybe they didn't think to… what's the word they use, program something behind this door and the house is filling it in itself?"

"Wicked," Breaths Penny. "If that's the case, let's see how deep it goes."

"Wait, Penny!"

He chases her as she runs off laughing, first through a snowy Roman ruin, then a museum dedicated to ferret breading on Neptune's moon, Triton, an abandoned railroad tunnel filled with flowers, a large concrete space with graffiti depicting spiders, an airport terminal populated by statues of triceratops, and a forest made of playing cards, each time, Penny finds another door, to lead them further onwards.

Jack running after her desperately.

She finally stops in the midst of an abandoned tech store, grown wild with plant life and with Neolithic paintings scrawled on the walls.

"It just keeps going." She declares. "It's like there's no end to it."

"No, so let's go!" Jack says, tugging on her hand. She pulls away.

"What's wrong with you? Don't you find this exciting?"

"No!" Jack says. "Come on, we have to go!"

"Why?"

"Penny I don't know where this is, but it doesn't feel like part of the challenge. The staff are going to be mad if they find us here."

"Well that makes it all the more exciting doesn't it?" Penny laughs.

Jack doesn't respond, he's suddenly frozen in place.

"What?" Penny asks.

"Do you hear that?" Jack asks.

"Here what?"

She pauses and listens, for a second she hears nothing, then, quietly, there comes the echoing sound of approaching footsteps.

"In here!" Jack whispers, ducking into behind a display of TVs, there's a latch on the floor, he opens it and shoves both of them inside, they land in a concrete room filled with large colourful pom-poms.

The two sit silent and wait.

The footsteps grow louder, until the latch sags slightly. For a few heart-stopping moments, someone or something stands right above then.

Just when Jack expects the latch to be thrown open, they hear the stranger leave, footsteps echoing away.

Jack reminds there, unmoving for an extra minute.

"Are they gone?"

"Should be," Penny says.

"Good."

He flings open the latch, and with reflects well practiced with his sister, takes Penny's hand and rushes her out of danger.

He doesn't stop running until they've made it back to Entrapta's office.

"Who do you figure that was?" Penny asks, eyes back in the direction hence they came.

"I don't think we want to know." Jack says out of breath, "Help me with this."

He grunts trying to move the filing cabinet back into place.

"Hang on." Penny says. "What if we want to go back in there later?"

"I don't! We shouldn't have been there in the first place!" Jack insists.

"Surely you can't not be interested in exploring more of the House?" She demands. "Think of the potential! The adventure!"

"The only adventures I go on are the ones my mentor Morgan Le Fay needs me for," Jack says dutifully. Penny cocks an eyebrow.

"The mean old hag from the King Arthur stories? With all the wild magic?"

"She's not mean! She's a nice lady!" Jack says angrily. He takes a moment to control himself. Morgan wouldn't want him to lose his cool on her part. He was a professional explorer, darn it.

"Thank you for saving us from that bully,"

Penny smiles.

"Happy to lend a hand, or crayon that is. You're alright for an Ordinal Jack, anytime you change your mind about exploring…"

"Thanks, but no thanks," Jack says. "I need to focus on my studies."

He gives the science room a final look. Already trying to forget about the door.

…

In Rodney's study some of the Toads are making themselves useful.

"Wah, what's wrong with your computer?" The titular Toad himself squawks.

Rodney who's just entered the room with a hazelnut latte looks puzzled.

"Beg your pardon dear friend?"

"I see it to!" Toadette says.

Rodney looks up at the display. The layout of the High School still on screen, flashing its error message. He gasps.

"Oh dear…"

He scurries over and types severally things into the controls quickly. Red flashing pop-ups appear before them. The most prominent proclaims in bold lettering.

"WARNING, ROOM OVERLAPP FOUND."

"What's that mean?" Toadette asks.

"Should we panic?" Toad asks.

Rodney looks grave.

"That might be necessary."

…

The afternoon's classes drag. But the time the final rings at three, Jack's got nothing on his mind but finishing his homework and sleeping.

For the duration of this challenge, the contestants have been removed from their little fake Wawanakwa and their cabins there, instead each of them had been given their own private house. There own little private piece of white-picked slide of Americana to hangout after class and have sleep overs together with their fellow contestants. There was a whole town out there for them to explore in their free time, complete with several arcades and an indoor shopping mall.

Personally Jack really wished they had kept things to the high school, this fake small town made his heart long for Frog Creek.

"I'm home!" He calls to the empty house.

A robot with a mouse's head whizzes out of the kitchen to greet him.

"Hey there slugger! Did you have a nice day at school?"

"I guess?" Jack says dishonestly. Somehow the fake father figure made the house feel lonely than if it had been empty.

He heads upstairs and dumps out his backpack. One of the pom-poms falls out of it.

"Great." Jack grumbles. "Just what I needed from that place, a keepsake."

He tosses it in the trash bin and makes the washroom to wash up before supper.

"Jack…"

Jack freezes.

"What was that?" He calls down to the machine, then adds awkwardly. "….Dad?"

"Jack!"

He looks down, the pom-pom he just threw away at his feet, he picks it up and examples it. It's larger than a normal pom-pom, about the size of his head, and covered with orange fuzz.

"How did, you get out here?"

"I followed you silly!"

Two eyes pop open, and the pom-pom opens it's mouth, beaming at him.

"Hi Jack! Remember me?"

"AAAAAAGH!"

…

By the third morning Alucard's still missing. Peach, and her staff have resorting to putting up missing posters of him around the school.

"What crummy luck." Fry says moping in front of one of them.

"Damn shame about the vampire skipping out on us ain't it Captain?" Tenpenny says, patting him on the back.

"You said it, and just when he kept carrying whole challenges for us."

Tenpenny smiles and nods.

"Well, I assure you, Fry, nobody's more upset to see him disappear than I am."

Fry smiles.

"Thanks, Tenpenny."

He pauses.

"Wait…"

…

Penny Crayon stuffs her hastily finished homework into her locker.

"Penny!"

She yelps and drops her books. Jack's appeared behind her, looking like he hasn't slept.

"What's the big idea!?" She demands. "You're nearly as bad as Detective Sholmes was."

"We have to talk somewhere private."

"Why?" Her eyes narrow. "This isn't a puberty thing is it?"

"What? No, No!" He lowers his voice. "It's about that weird door."

Penny's expression changes at once. She's beaming knowingly by the time he's pulled over to a quiet section of the library so they can talk in private.

"Changed your mind, did you?" She asks smugly. "Decided you want to go back?"

"No," Jack says urgently. "Look!"

He pulls the orange pom-pom out of his backpack and shows her. She squints at it.

"What is it?"

She prods it with her finger.

The ball of fur vibrates, then suddenly two smaller balls of fur on springs emerge from it, then two hairless legs with taloned feet like a falcon, finally two, large, innocent eyes open, and a fang-toothed mouth to go along with them.

"Hi there!"

Penny yelps in fright and drops the thing. It lands on its feet, still beaming up at them.

"Boy, you're friend spooks almost as easily as you do, huh Jack?"

"How do you do my name?" Jack asks. The little creature giggles merrily.

"Ah Jack! You old kidder you! Always asking the serious questions!"

Penny looks to Jack, who shrugs helplessly.

The creature yawns and scratches itself with a claw.

"Boy, that backpack makes for a comfy snoozing spot! What'd they line those things with?"

"Here's a better question; What in the world are you?" Penny asks.

"A smuzzy-fuzzy!" The creature says brightly. Penny's even more confused.

"A muzzy-wuzzy?"

"Smuzzy-fuzzy," Corrects the creature, extending her a claw. "Name's Flash!"

Penny shakes his claw, still perplexed.

Jack pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and inspects the creature. "After we left that room, he hitched a ride back home with me."

"Uh no, actually I followed you out. There's a difference."

"Why did you follow me out!"

"Why wouldn't I?" Flash says innocently.

Jack begins to pace. It feels like a weight's been dropped in his stomach.

"You're sure you came out of that door? You're not a science experiment from Professor Entrapta or something?"

"Or you're another robot then that it?" Penny asks.

Flash shakes his head happily, sending his springy little antennae bobbing about.

"I am 100% made of real stuff!"

"Hmm, he might be honest about that?" Penny says to Jack, "If Rodney's robots can't get out of bounds and he came from the other part of the house-"

"But Rodney said his house can't make intelligent life on its own," Jack counters.

"Well, where'd this guy come from then? I didn't draw him."

"I don't know, but he's going back where he came from."

"You're joking!" Cries Penny, looking cross. "Honestly that's two mysteries now you don't want anything to do with. Where's your sense of adventure?"

"Back home," Jack says. "And that's where Flash needs to go too, tonight. You and me will take him back into his part of the house after school, and he'll be gone,"

…

Rodney rushes through the school hallways in a rush, crossing paths with a female student.

"Watch where you're going rodent!" She snarls in an unfeminine tone.

"Yes, yes, my apology Shego!" Rodney says distractedly.

The girl watches him leave, nostrils flaring, then continues down the way she meant to go.

She isn't in fact Shego, she seems to be new, and she also seems to be turning heads.

"Who is she?"

"I don't know!"

"Man is she hot though…"

Rodney finds Peach, Daisy and Rosalina busy hanging up fliers. He tugs on Peach's skirt.

"Your Highness, might I burrow you a moment? We have an issue."

"Yes, I know Rodney," Peach says. "We're doing everything we can to find Alucard?"

"Actually my dear, this is about-"

"Hey, what's everyone staring at over there?" Daisy says.

They turn, to observe a crowd beginning to grow. At its centre, the girl Rodney was nearly run over by. She's adorned entirely in white, her suit, long coat and fur hat all the colour of freshly fallen snow.

She waltzes over to the poster they'd just hung and rips it from the wall inspecting it with two piercing red eyes.

Then she lets out a deep sinister chuckle. One that sounds deeply masculine, and deeply familiar.

"What sort of joke is this?" She demands. Holding up the picture of Alucard on it.

"…This doesn't look anything like me."

Rodney and the three ladies stare blankly at him.

…

An hour later Chris finds himself being all but shoved into Rodney's study by Daisy. Peach, Conner and Rodney himself already waiting for him.

"What's so urgent I have to drop everything and me here!?" He wines. "I was in the middle of na-I mean searching for Alucard!"

"No need," Conner says. "We found her."

"Her?" Chris repeats.

The girl in white sits, arms folded. The staff gawking down at her. Chris stares in disbelief.

"Her? He repeats. "Uh dude? Why is my vampire a girl now?"

"The trappings of mortal forms mean nothing to me Nazi!" Sneers the vampire.

"Nazi!?"

"My apologies, I forget you dogs of the SS like to be addressed by title," Alucard says sardonically.

"I'm not following," Chris says.

"Neither am I," Conner says. "Alucard are you feeling alright?"

Alucard eyes them suspiciously.

"You all seem to be operating under the misconception we've met before." She shrugs. "Perhaps we have, I don't bother memorizing every kraut I have the misfortune of meeting." Her red eyes flash sinisterly. "Although I'm normally not sloppy enough to leave any of my prey alive!"

"Really starting to seem like they don't remember us?" Entrapta says.

Slowly, Rodney, Chris and Chef all turn to look at Conner, the latter two glaring.

"Oh no! Wait a minute!" Conner says, throwing up his hands defensively. "I didn't do this!"

"You when too far this time O'Gleeson!" Chris shouts an odd gleam of triumph in his vindictive eyes. "Just wait until the network here's about this!"

"I didn't use my powers!" Conner insists.

"Wait a minute?" Daisy says. "Conner's got powers that can turn people into girls?"

Chris scowls. "No, but they sure can make people forget what he needs them to, can't they Peach?"

All eyes turn to Peach, who looks quite distant.

"I wouldn't use those powers again," Conner assures her. "Not after last time. I wouldn't risk that happening to another contestant."

"When you're finished…" Alucard interrupts. "This little performance was amusing at first, but I'm growing tired of this Nazi nonsense."

She pulls a twin set of machine guns out of her coat and cocks both of them.

"Perhaps it'll be easier to get answers if I redecorate the walls with your Aryan blood!"

Conner sighs.

"Sorry Princess, Alucard for god's sake just shut up and be civil!"

A strange look overtakes Alucard, she drops her guns and nods. Conner turns back to Peach.

"See that was my powers. But that was self-defence, you saw that."

"Cool, now you're in massive trouble," Chris says folding his arms.

"Mr. McLean!" Peach says sharply. The princess frowning at him.

"It's alright. I trust Conner's judgement."

Conner looks relieved.

"Thanks, Peachy."

"Don't use them again."

"Soooo what happened last time?" Daisy asks innocently.

Peach stammers.

"Nothing that hasn't been sorted out already right Princess?" Conner says. Peach nods forcefully. Conner to turn Chris.

"Speaking of sorting things out now, we're going to have to take some drastic measures to fix your problem."

"None of this is my fault!"

"So I guess bringing the vampire here in the first place, and putting him inside a giant monster filled with blood and guts has nothing to do with our current fiasco that right?" Conner demands. "Because it really seems like that's the root of the problem here."

"I'm never the problem! Every single idea I have is perfect!" Chris insists stubbornly. "You people love to forget it, but I'm the core of the show, I know what people want to see O'Glesson! Forty-nine seasons and nearly as many years I ruled television with this thing, then you take over for the fiftieth and the show nearly gets cancelled!

I'm the Total Drama expert here!"

"But you sure as hell aren't an expert on the multiverse, are you?"

Chris opens his mouth, then closes it several times, before finally giving up and glaring at Conner.

Conner rolls his eyes and turns towards the door.

"When baby McLean's done his tantrum, I'd like to get moving here."

"Where are you going?" Rodney asks.

"Back to Alucard's home reality, I may not know anything about the anime he spawned from, but someone there probably has more answers than we could find on our own."

"Great, have fun with that," Chris says.

"You're coming to."

"What!?" Chris yelps. "No, I'm not! Who's gonna run the show while I'm gone!?"

"Peach," Conner says.

Chris nearly explodes with indignation.

…

It takes several hours for Chris to be ready to travel, when he finally emerges from the Rodney House, he's ladened with several bags of luggage, and still complaining.

"She can't host!" He cries for what is perhaps without exaggeration the hundredth time.

"She's practically been running things for three days already," Conners says exhaustingly.

"Yeah, she's doing a stupid challenge, that I'm supervising!" Chris insists. "That's different from being the Host!"

Peach herself walks out of the house, carrying some of Chris's bags.

"Thank goodness I think that's the last of them."

"Thanks," Conner says, taking them from her with a smile. "Look I'm sorry about earlier for bringing up some less than fun memories…" He grimaces. "…or lack thereof."

"That's alright Conner, like you said everything is all better now. I've grown a lot since those days," She smiles. "And I have your game to thank for it."

He gives her a serious look.

"You're sure you're alright with it? This is a big responsibility here. Thinks will mostly run themselves but no joke, you will technically be running the whole show."

"Well, that will be a change won't it?" She says with a giggle. "But If I can manage the Mushroom Kingdom, I can manage Total Drama."

"I know it's nothing you can't handle," Conner assures her. "Just keep the challenge running while we're gone and keep an eye on Al, will you? I can't bring him with me, some studio bullshit about a grey area with this, and whether it counts as a medical evac. The studio sucks basically, and I have to leave Al with you guys, even though he's a little out of it let's say.

Hopefully, things should be fine but it does get out of hand, I trust your judgement. Make whatever call you got to make and don't worry about the consequences; I'll vouch for you."

Peach gives him her best reassuring smile.

"No need to worry Conner. I'm sure everyone will be on their best behaviour while you're gone. Oh and of course I'll have all my friends and subjects by my side to help."

"I know, but I figured I get you a little extra help just to be sure, so I asked an old buddy to stop by."

Chris leans out of the ship scowling. "Seriously?"

"Who?" Peach asks.

A brightly coloured ship jumps out of warp drive, blaring 70s rock and roll into the void of space, which is apparently just something you can do in this reality.

It lands on Rodney's asteroid. A man walks out, his clothing sleek and futuristic, combat boots, tight pants and a red leather jacket, he walks stoically up to the table, face obscured by a grey breathing mask with red eyes.

"Somebody order a TA?"

Peach nearly shrieks with joy.

"Peter!"

The man removes his mask, revealing a dirty blond thirty-something-year-old man, his face lit up with boyish glee.

"Long time no see Toadstool!"

They shake hands.

"How did you get here on such short notice?" She asks.

Peter gives her a coy smirk.

"Actually funny story I'm involved-"

He notices both Chris and Conner giving him a warning look.

"-Involved in the area yeah! I just happened to volunteering out in this corner of the multiverse when I got the call."

"Quill! If you're going to be a liar the least you can do is be a good one, like I always am."

A second man steps out of the ship. He's shirtless and hairless, dark grey skin iridescent, eyes a piercing pale blue, red fractal patterns weave over his imposing muscles. He wears blue cargo pants and carries two cutlasses.

"You must be the Princess…" He says immediately sighting Peach. He approaches and cups her hand in his.

"You are even more beautiful in person than Quill said you'd be."

Peach smiles. "That's very kind of you to-"

"Even before he knew you as a real person, he'd talk about knowing you as a child,"

"Yes he's-"

"…and of the unceasing sexual fantasies you provided him in his teenage years."

"DRAX!" Peter Quill bellows, both him and Peach having turned bright red. "What's the one thing I told not to talk about!?"

"I don't remember," Says the grey man stoically. "It seemed unimportant so I chose to forget it."

Peter groans. "Princess, this is Drax, he insisted on coming."

"If Quill is to run out on us again it seemed like someone should be there to watch over him. Make sure his weak Terran flesh isn't damaged." The Grey man says dutifully. "I am known as Drax the Destroyer. Bravest of the Guardians of the Galaxy."

"Stupidest Guardian of the Galaxy," Peter murmurs under his breath.

"There is no one that calls me that."

"I called you that right now you big idiot, and Rocket calls you it all the damn time."

"Curse that rodent!" Drax anguishes. "If he wasn't so tiny and adorable, I would have slayed him long ago."

"Don't worry we've got another rodent inside," Chris says, face twisted with disapproval at Drax and Peter. "But you can't slay that one. Not that I'm gone he and Chef are going to be the only competent people in there."

"Mr McLean!" Peter says offering his hand to Chris. "Nice to finally meet officially. Conner told me a lot about you back in Endless."

"I'm sure he did," Conner says sourly. "…and I heard a lot about the second-rate interns he hired. Now are we going or what?"

Conner shakes his head. "You're just going to be a barrel of laughs to travel with, aren't you?"

He turns to the others.

"You guys be good while we're gone. Remember keep the contestants running smoothly, keep Al under control and don't start any fires."

"What if we need to set something on fire to control this Al?" Drax inquires.

"Then keep the fire under control."

"Wise thinking."

Conner gives them a final wave and steps into his Wax Lip Ship.

"Stay out of trouble you crazy knuckleheads! We'll be back as soon as we can!"

The ship pulls away.

"You sure your Princess has things handled?" Chris asks.

"We trust each other," Conner says. "Someone that ends up happening when you're actually nice to your cast."

"You were anything but nice to that girl," Chris says. "And your trust isn't anything to brag about. You remember the last time you trusted your cast to get by on their own."

"Yes, you people just love to keep reminding me of that."

He flips on the console on the bridge and the ship's engines come alive.

"This will be different; all she has to do is look after your cast. Besides Al what's the worst trouble they could get up to?"

He pulls forward on the throttle. The engines glow blue. A blinding crack of light appears before the ship, like a hole in reality. There's a great jolt the ship spaghettifies into the light and then vanishes.

…

That evening, Jack and Penny find themselves standing once more before the mystery door.

Jack secures Flash, The Smuzzy-Fuzzy, making sure the little creature's still safely in his backpack, then turns to Penny.

"Ready?"

"Last chance to not do this, keep our new pet, and continue exploring this place?" She offers. He gives her an unyielding look of resolve. She sighs.

"Right, on with it then." She says disappointedly.

They enter once more into the room of hamsters.

"I suppose it'll be nice for you to be going home won't it Flash?"

"Not really," Flash says, looking up at them both with an innocent confusion. "Why are you getting rid of me? Don't you want to be friends? I want to be friends."

Jack intends to answer but he stops abruptly.

Penny's just opened the door at the far end of the hamster room, A factory full of spinning looms greats them.

"Hang on! Where's all the dragon fruit that was here last time?"

"Oh man," Jack whispers. "I think it changed."

"It what?"

"I think the rooms change," Jack repeats, already he can feel his insides twisting into knots. Everything suddenly seeming more complicated.

Penny scratches her head.

"Maybe the familiar rooms are still in here? I mean surely they must be."

"Wait!"

She's just made to walk forward towards the next door, he pulls her back.

"What if the rooms change behind us?" He asks nervously.

Penny thinks for a moment then snaps her fingers.

"Leave that to me!"

She grabs a spool from one of the looms, tying one of it around her waist.

"There!" She says brightly. "Now there's no worry about getting lost! We've just got to make sure we don't close the doors."

They continue on, passing more spaces they hadn't encountered last time, but just as bizarre. A snowy playground in an urban courtyard, A valley full of lush ferns, A room covered floor to ceiling with the tentacles of a sea anemone, A rocky beach beneath a cliffside Vietnamese village.

As they pass place after place, Jack can't help but shake a strange feeling. It reminds him of the Flesh Pit. It hadn't really sunk home what an infinitely sized home meant until now. The house seeming suddenly like a great monster they were journeying deeper into the belly of.

"Any of this look familiar Flash?" Penny asks, hopping from rock to rock.

"I don't know?"

"What do you remember seeing before us?"

"Oh, tons!" Says Flash enthusiastically. "I remember lots and lots of really cool things, like this, but different."

"Let us know if any of this rings a bell."

Flash salutes her obediently.

"Aye Aye Captain!"

Jack stares at the little creature more confused than ever.

"You really are alive, aren't you?"

"Yeah, why?" Flash asks innocently.

The weirdest part about all of this was that Jack believed him. There's a spark in his eyes too natural to be a machine.

"Maybe Rodney's wrong and his house is creating thinking things without knowing," He says to Penny.

She doesn't respond, he looks up and finds she's disappeared.

"Penny!"

"Jack come quickly you've got to see this!"

He rushes over to where Penny's called, finding her through a door in the cliff.

"Penny don't scare me like that!" He says angrily.

"Take a look at this will you?" She urges.

He squints and looks around.

They've entered onto the stage of a cavernous opera hall.

"Cool isn't it?" She asks him, voice reverbing through the massive room.

"It's just a theatre," He says.

"Yeah, but this is what I mean by how cool it'd be to come exploring here more," Penny says excitedly.

She spreads her arms and twirls on stage like a ballerina, laughing.

"Honestly, I never really got what that Rodney bloke was on about building this big place he's got, but I think I get it now. Forget all the rubbish Chris has been having us do, this is what's brilliant about the house, having any sort of space you'd ever want whenever. I mean who else has their own private opera hall? Just Rodney."

She looks at him excitedly. "But now that we know the way in it could be ours too, couldn't it? Ah, think how grand that'd be. The whole house as our own private clubhouse where we could get away from schoolwork, or Chris, or trying to figure out how on earth I'm supposed to deal with Tenpenny! I mean we're the youngest ones here, the underdogs Jack. Surely we deserve a little fun?"

"No!" Jack says firmly.

"Why not!?" She demands. "What have you got against this place?"

"I don't know," He says. "I just feel like we're not supposed to be in here!"

"You're not!"

Both of them and Flash freeze in place. A voice has just come echoing down from the rafters above them.

Jack looks up, and nearly faints Looming in the shadows, a masked figure stares down at them. The now deeply complicated knots in his stomach ruefully informed him that he had failed to consider whether or not Flash might not have been the only person the house had created.

"Who said that?" Penny says nervously. She looks up and spots the figure.

"Ah no! That better not be that dratted Phantom of the Opera bloke again back after me for revenge."

"Pardon?" Jack asks.

"I've a life outside of you." She says.

The figure swoops down from the rafters and lands before them, body in a billowing black cloak. Face and head concealed by a hooked mask and tricorne. In the midst of Jack's fear, a memory of being in 17th century Venetian Carnival came back to him.

The figure bores into them with its black eyes. Jack backs away in caution.

Penny gasps.

"Wait, Jack! You don't think this is the person we ran into earlier, is it? Do you know Flash?"

"Penny," Jack hisses "Desperately. I think this guy wants to talk."

She gives him a cross look. "Well, that's not very nice, is it? You can't just make assumptions about people."

The figure laughs coldly, a sword appears from behind their cloak. Penny gulps.

"…Unless they're armed that is. I think we should be on our way!"

The figure lunges at them, the two children cry in alarm and make a beeline for the exit. The next moment they're spiriting as fast as their legs can carry them.

Jack chances a glance over his shoulder and sees what he was dreading to see.

"He's following us!"

"Well, if it's any solace, I think you were right about not mucking around in here!" Penny pants.

"The apologies nice, but you using your crayon magic would be nicer!"

"Double right you are!"

She quickly sketches them a scooter. The two of them still following the path of string tied about their waists.

"Ah hey, it's the sewing room!" Flash cries.

"How do we stop!" Jack shouts.

Penny's eyes go wide.

"Might have forgotten about that part! Brace for impact then!"

They come careening into the room, the scooter slamming into a loom, shattering both. Jack feels several bruises forming, he pays them no attention and leaps to his feet, operating on pure adrenaline. The sound of the approaching stranger still behind them.

"Come on!"

They sprint through the hamster room, through Entrapta's office, through the science lab, and out into the dark school hallways. Then hunch over panting.

"Never…again!" Jack wheezes. "Man, oh man oh man. We can never go back in there. That was too close."

"What about Flash?"

"Those this mean I can stay?" The little creature asks hopefully.

"I don't know," Jack says. "For now. I just want to go home and never think about that guy in there again."

"You remembered to shut the door on him, didn't you?" Penny asks.

Jack goes pale.

They hear a distant thudding sound, and his heart misses a beat.

Penny throws the both of them into a locker and slams it shut. Just as the door to the science lab is kicked open the figure bursts into the hallway.

Through the slots of the locker, they watch as the stranger freezes, as if confused by their surroundings.

"What is this?"

Jack and Penny hardly breathe, the stranger rooted in place, taking in everything. Then abruptly it takes off deeper into the school.

Penny, Jack and Flash exit their locker.

Jack stares off in the direction the stranger left.

"Oh, man…"

"Think we're going to get in trouble for letting a monster into the school?" Penny wonders.

Chapter Text

Homeschooled Part 2: Stranger Than You Dreamt It
…

Principal Peach sits at her desk.

“Last time on Homespun…” She chirps. “Poor Alucard was feeling very unwell, so Conner and Mr. McLean have gone out to find a cure.”

“…Leaving us in charge!”

“Yes, Thank you Daisy. Conner was ever so kind enough to give us permission to use an idea we came up with for fun. A lovely week of playing students and teachers! With Peter Quill and his friend returning to lend a hand. I must admit I may not have the same powers Conner has. But from one I’ve seen, everyone’s been having a wonderful time and have been on their best behavior. Something I’m sure will stay true for the rest of our time together!”

…
“For now. I just want to go home and never think about that guy in there again.”

“You remembered to shut the door on him, didn’t you?” Penny asks.

Jack goes pale.

They hear a distant thudding sound, and his heart misses a beat.

Penny throws the both of them into a locker and slams it shut. Just as the door to the science lab is kicked open the figure bursts into the hallway.

Through the slots of the locker, they watch as the stranger freezes, as if confused by their surroundings.

“What is this?”

Jack and Penny hardly breathe, the stranger rooted in place, taking in everything. Then abruptly it takes off deeper into the school.

Penny, Jack and Flash exit their locker.

Jack stares off in the direction the stranger left.

“Oh, man…”

“Think we’re going to get in trouble for letting a monster into the school?” Penny wonders.

“Only if people find out!” Flash the smuzzy-fuzzy notes cheerfully.

…

In Rodney’s study, Rodney himself shovels acorns into his mouth and chews furiously. The squirrel up and at his console much later than he’d normally be. Errors in his algorithm have left him paranoid, his mannerisms much more squirrel-like than they normally were.

“House!” He commands to the computer. “Check how many guests do we have in Program 2?”

The number flashes on screen.

1027:

Rodney does the math, then looks frows

“How many in Program 1?”

The number changes.

0:

Rodney takes a step back from his console.

“Zero? That can’t be right? Not unless…”

He brings up the map of the high school. Flashing icons showing the different figures in it’s halls. Slowly takes off his glasses.

“Oh dear.”

…

The ever-present eighties music that graces Rodney High during school hours plays faintly from speakers high above the gym. This morning the chosen track is Manic Monday by The Bangles. A perfect mood setter for another long day of classes, even if it is technically Thursday. 

“I decide to give this show a second chance and it goes and turns the hottest guy here into a woman,” Wallace says, a hint of resigned disgust in his features as he sips his ever-present cosmopolitan.

“I’m strangely okay with this,” Fry declares. Wallace side-eyes him.

“You would be, wouldn’t you?”

Amongst the Supertasks Alucard’s new form seems to have also captured the attention of Tenpenny.

He watches Rosalina approach the vampire, who’s seemingly refused to change out of her white suit and overcoat, and into gym clothes like the rest of them.

“You seeing this Steve?” Tenpenny asks. He gets no response.

“Steve!”

“You say something?” Steve asks distractedly.

Tenpenny tracks the boy’s gaze, then breaks into a broad grin.

“Mm, I see? You find her pretty?”

“Who? Alucard? Nah man, it’s weird,”

Steve meets his eye, he looks away as quickly, having just gotten a fill of the look on his Captain’s face.

Tenpenny shakes his head slyly, then gestures causally to other side of the room. Where Elizabeth Bennet’s just emerged from the changing room. The Regency era girl looking curiously down at her t-shirt and shorts, an outfit that displays much of her normally hidden figure. Something Steve seems particularly intrigued by.

“How long?” Tenpenny asks.

“What?”

“Don’t what me. You and Bennet been getting pretty close.”

“Oh, yeah Elizabeth,” Steve says breaking in a boyish smile. “Yeah, no man, I we been hitting it off. She’s surprisingly like really cool.”

Tenpenny scratches his hand causally.

“You fucked her yet?”

Steve looks momentarily like he’s had a heart attack.

“No! It’s not like that!”

“Bullshit.”

“I swear man! We’re just friends.” Steve blurts out. Tenpenny chuckles.

“Listen Steve, word of advice from someone who’s been around the block a couple more times. There ain’t ever been a boy in this or any other world who’s ever called a girl, ‘like really cool,’ without wanting to get in her panties,” He smirks. “Our whatever Bennet wears. I ain’t exactly an antiquated undies expert,”

“Look it’s complicated, alright?” Steve admits. “First, I just thought Elizabeth was alright, but I don’t know, my mind’s been… well it’s been a while since there’s been a girl in my life. Dating scene back in Hawkins is a little rough right now.”

“Lost your game back with the local girls?”

“No, No! God, you serious? You see this hair, chicks go nuts,” Steve clears his throat. “Just going through a dry spell.”

He shakes his head.

“I should keep my head in the game.”

“Oh, don’t let me get in the way. I don’t mind if you and Bennet get familiar. Nothing wrong with a little teammate-on-teammate bonding as they say.”

He winks at Steve who blushes furiously.

“I don’t mind you people making friends with the Ordinals either. Be something of a hypocrite if I did.”

“Why do bring that up?” Steve asks. “You still seeing Shego?”

“Nah. Just couldn’t help but notice one of my crew’s got a new friend they seem to want to keep secret?”

Tenpenny’s eyes drift past him, to another of their teammates, their youngest member, currently huddled together with a boy from the other team.

“Do me a favour and remind Penny Crayon of that will you Harrington?”

A whistle blows.

Peter Quill’s friend, Drax the Destroyer has stepped out onto the gym floor, the muscular alien wearing sweatpants and a ballcap.

“Fragile Terran children!” He booms. “It has been declared that I shall teach you in the ways of your scared customs of gym!”

A couple toads rush forward and hand him a sack. He plucks a red rubber ball from it.

“Your first trial shall be the ancient Terran bloodspot of dodgeball!” He yells. “As Quill tells it the rules are simple, whoever has the quick reflexes or densest skull shall survive and one day pass on his genetic material.”

“That’s not exactly!” Wallace begins Drax cuts him off by blowing into his whistle.

“Enough talk!” He declares. “Let’s see which of you will earn the right to propagate!”

The toads begin pelting dodgeballs at the cast.

From up on the bleachers, some of the other staff members sit watching.

“Your subjects definitely seem like their enjoying themselves.” Peter Quill observers.

Toadsworth, who’s currently seated next to Peach chortles to himself.

“We of the Mushroom Kingdom have a terrific fondness for sporting events.”

“I am fond of this dodgeball rite,” Drax says coming over to join them and grinning ear to ear.

“You do understand you’re not playing it right?” Peter asks.

“My warrior instincts have improved on your customs.”

“Thanks, Drax.”

“You’re welcome,” Drax says sincerely. “Maybe if you played by my rules in high school you wouldn’t have grown so pathetic.”

“Never went to high school actually Drax. Yon-“ He clears his throat. “The Ravagers kidnapped me when I was eight, so I’ve never actually been inside a Terran high school… Or the Rodney House…”

He cranes his neck up to look around. “Don’t think I came in here during Endless. Finally seeing it in person it’s kind of freaky in here.”

“You do have experience that can help us, don’t you?” Rosalina asks. Peter scoffs.

“Uh yeah? I don’t mean to brag but I’m basically a 1980s expert. John Hughes movies, The Bangles, Super Mario Bros, all familiar territory here,” He stretches out lazily. “I’m also, and I’m really trying to stay humble here, but people do say I’m the most fearsome outlaw in the whole Andromeda Galaxy.”

“They do?”

“Yeah they do Drax. Between me and the Rockbitter over here we’ll be able to handle your little Dracula problem without breaking a sweat.”

“Their name’s Alucard.” Entrapta says.

“Spell Alucard backwards.” Peter tells her.

Both Entrapta and Drax go silent for a moment then their eyes fill with surprise.

Peter smiles smugly.

“Monster Squad taught me that one.”

“Tell them their wisdom is appreciated.” Entrapta says. Peter chuckles.

 “Much obliged Princess.”

“The blonde one is the princess.” Drax informs him dutifully.

“We got a lot of princesses here.” Daisy says. “Me, Peach, Entrapta.”

“…And Princess Zelda.” Peach adds.

An odd look comes over Peter. He squints down at Zelda, currently hiding with some of the others behind Vultureman’s imposing frame.

“…Not Princess Zelda of Hyrule?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Peach says. “Do you know her Peter?”

“Yeah, I know her, so should you.”

Peach blinks in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“You remember Tatooine Peachy?”

He backtracks slightly, noticing Peach’s expression has suddenly grown distant.

“Right… of course you would. More specially you remember the talk we had in the desert? The whole thing with George Lucas?”

“You said in your world there was a man who claimed to have created Tatooine and Indiana Jones,” Peach recalls. “…and that because of that there was a person in that world who looked like Indiana. Han was it?”

Peter nods approvingly.

“Back in my world, where you guys are all supposed to be stories, the people that tell those stories… sometimes they revisit ideas. Back in the 80s George Lucas liked to cast Harrison Ford in his films...”

He gestured to Zelda.

“…and Shigeru Miyamoto likes to make Nintendo games about rescuing blonde princesses.”

Peach freezes with shock, staring wide-eyed at the other princess.

“But I… But we don’t… I never…. This whole time…?” She says faintly.

Peter grins.

“She’s the Han to your Indy Peachy.”

…

It’s a little stereotypical that when lunch breaks out Steve decides the best place to find Jack and Penny is the library. Actually, that’s a lie, if they were anything like the nerds he knew back home, he’d expect to find them playing D&D in the cafeteria, but not a lot of people here in the house seemed to know the game. Maybe it was a different dimensional thing, or maybe they bought in that Satanic panic crap that’d been going around lately.

…It was probably the first option.

Sure enough, he spots Penny Crayon darting into the library. By the time he’s entered, she’s vanished. He looks around, checking between shelves.

“Have you lost something, Mr. Harrington?”

He turns to find Elizabeth, seated in an armchair and gazing at him over the novel she’s reading.

“Oh, uh hi! How’s it going? I was just looking for Penny. You haven’t seen her have ya?”

“I’m afraid I’ve been preoccupied.”

He nods. This of course would be the natural point in the conversation to move on and keep looking for Penny.

“How come you’re hanging out in here instead of the cafeteria Elizabeth?” He pauses. “Can I call you Elizabeth or am I supposed to be calling you Ms Bennet?”

The ghost of a smile appears on Elizabeth’s lips. “That would depend on the nature of our relationship.”

Steve laughs awkwardly.

“I’ve found it agreeable, being able to retreat from the competition and engage with some light reading.” Elizabeth continues. “This library is a very handsome place, modest in wealth but satisfactory in function. I’ve spent many hours here after classes as well.”

“Have you been to the mall yet?”

“I haven’t the money.”

Steve laughs more genuinely.

“Yeah, you do. The staff gave us credit cards. They uh, pay for stuff. Come check out the mall sometime.”

“Would this evening be suitable for you?”

Steve raises an eyebrow. He gestures to himself.

“You want to go the two of us?

“This challenge is modelled off your time, Mr. Harrington. If I’m to explore it, I’d like a proper chaperone.”

“So…. Is it a date then?”

“Yes.”

Steve feels blood flush to his cheeks.

“Ye-uh cool. Super cool. See you then.”

He gets up, hoping to leave before she notices the redness of his face. Elizabeth smiles to herself, closes her book, then leaves as well.

“Are they gone?” Asks a little voice.

Two orange fuzzy pom-poms on springy antennae appear over one of the shelves, a moment later the body of a little creature appears with us.

“They’re gone!” It cries cheerfully.

“Shhh! Flash!”

Flash the Smuzzy-Fuzzy is plucked down from the shelf by Jack Smith and his recent partner in crime, Penny Crayon.

“Why are we hiding from Steve again?” Jack asks.

“He can’t find out about this,” Penny insists. “He’s too close to Captain Tenpenny.”

“Why can’t we tell Tenpenny?”

“Long story, not that it matters much, truth is, it will be terrible trouble if anyone finds out about last night.”

She looks around. “This spot’s too risky. Come on boys…”

She takes off down the aisle.

“People are going to get hurt if we don’t warn them!” Jack argues he looks tired and frustrated having gone the last few days with very little sleep.

Penny shushes him. “It’s been all day and there hasn’t been any sign of that stranger lurking about, maybe they aren’t as dangerous as we thought?”

“Maybe they’re waiting for the right moment to strike.”

“Then we’ll deal with it you and me. Until we do probably best no one finds out about the stranger or Flash.”

They round the corner and find them face to face with Princess Zelda. The teen staring at them wide-eyed.

Penny sighs. “You just heard everything didn’t you?”

Zelda continues staring at Flash.

“Maybe she’s just shy.” The Smuzzy-Fuzzy whispers. He extends a claw to her. “Hi there! I’m Flash!”

Zelda gives a little cry and steps back.

“What is that?”

“He’s a smuzzy-fuzzy,” Jack says scooping up Flash.

“A what?”

“I don’t know, we found him in another part of the house.”

“Hey, you’ve got antennae too!” Flash says. “Cool!!”

Zelda takes off the fake antlers that are part of her costume and hides them behind her back.

“I don’t understand?” She says. “Is this a game the two are you are playing?”

“It’s not a game, the house is in danger,” Jack says with all the maturity his prepubescent voice can manage.

“It’s a lot to explain. So how’s about we show you?” Penny says resignedly. Jack gives her a funny look.

“I thought you didn’t want anyone to know about this?”

“Not much we can hide from her now that we’ve gone and told her everything is there?” Penny says slightly annoyed. “Besides I know Zelda, she won’t tell anyone…” Penny lowers her voice. “…she keeps to herself mostly. Hasn’t really done much for the team. She’ll probably be the next one of our lot going home.”

Zelda turns a sharper red than Steve had. “I heard that as well.”

“Well, that was rude, you weren’t suppose to!” Penny says crossly. “Honestly, I lowered my voice and everything.”

Zelda gives her a cross look of her own.

“Take me to this room.”

…

Peter accepts the cup of tea Peach has handed him.

“…So, in Zelda’s kingdom. She also has a monster that kidnaps her and a hero that rescues her?” Peach asks slowly.

Peter nods. “Ganon and Link, they are part of the triforce or something, I think Zelda had a different tone.”

“She does, yes.”

“I meant the series.” Peter corrects. “The game’s named after her, sort of like how Mario’s named after Mario.”

“Shouldn’t the series be called “Link” then if he’s the hero?” Peach asks.

Peter shrugs.

“Don’t ask me. I’m not Miyamoto. But yeah, back in the 80s both his series were pretty majorly a package deal. You even had a breakfast cereal together, and Larry says they gave you guys a TV show after I was gone.”

Peach takes a fourth cookie from the platter between them and leans back in her desk chair thoughtfully. Her Principal’s office silent besides the constant period music playing in the background.

“Why would Mr. McLean have chosen her for his game?” She wonders aloud.

“Probably trying to recapture Conner’s success with you,” Peter says. “O’Gleeson had so much luck with one Nintendo princess McLean might have figured he’d get the same results with the other one.”

“I couldn’t understand why until now, but from the moment I met Zelda I felt a bond between us,” Peach admits. “But she’s been very quiet. I hope she’s enjoying herself. It doesn’t always seem like she is.”

She grabs a fifth and sixth cookie.

“It’s my very sincere wish everyone enjoys themselves during this game.”

“You mean more than you did during yours?” Peter says knowingly.

Peach doesn’t respond.

The door opens, and Chef Hatchet enters, characteristically stone-faced.

“Quill! You're needed in Rodney’s Study.”

“Can it wait? I’m catching up with Toadstool.”

Chef snarls.

“We can finish our talk another time Peter.” Peach offers.

“Thank you, Princess,” Chef grunts. He pauses momentarily, then gives her an odd look.

The ambient eighties music playing faintly over the intercom has caught his ear. Two R&B singers singing verses over a lilting sympathizer backtrack. Peach seems to be enjoying it greatly, happy smile on her lips as she sways in her chair melodically.

“This is one of my favourites.”

“Milli Vanilli, is one of your favourites?”

“They’re very talented,” Peach says.

Chef shakes his head.

“Come on, Quill.”

…

Rodney and Rosalina are waiting for them in Rodney’s Study.

“So, this is the brains of the operation huh?” Peter asks, surveying the room. “What do you need? Something you want tuned up?”

“It’s a rather sensitive manner I’m afraid.” Rodney grimaces.

He presses a button and the school map appears.

“There’s a problem with the challenge. The algorithm is acting beyond my control, it’s tunnelling from the Shallow House directly into the Deep House.”

“Oh…” Peter says dimly. “…That bad?”

“It’s not preferable,” Rodney says tentatively. “Everything this season has been in the shallower, more stable, more controllable parts of the House, but there are far greater depths where my sway is much more limited.”

Peter frowns.

“Your sway over your invention is limited?”

Rodney gives him a serious look.

“This house is a discovery, not an invention. Every room I create is a suggestion, whether or not the house listens is another matter.”

“So why isn’t it listening to you now?”

For a moment the squirrel looks almost ashamed.

“The School, you see was Peach’s idea, and loathe as I am to suggest it, it might have been her mind the House is responding to.”

“…and with the Vampire behaving oddly we can’t afford any other complications,” Rosalina says.

“Typical Endless screwing things up for people.” Grunts Chef.

“So what do you need us to do about this?” Peter says throwing a dark look at Chef. “Warn the Princess?”

“If that can be avoided, then it should,” Rodney says looking oddly guilty again. “In fact, I think it’d be wise if knowledge of this was kept exclusively to the four people in this room right now. It’s Peach’s first time hosting and she’s such a nice young woman. I’d feel terrible if she thought she had put everyone else at risk because of something that wasn’t her fault.”

“Be cautious Rodney, by concealing the truth to protect them you might the others in greater danger,” Rosalina warns.

“Let's hope it won’t come to that.” Rodney sighs. He types something into his console, the layout of the School appears, and the door behind Entrapta’s office disappears. “We’ll just have to eliminate these doors before the contestants stumble across them.”

“How can we tell when one has been created?” Rosalina asks.

“It’ll be difficult. We’ll need to stay vigilant,” Rodney admits. “Unfortunately this would all be much easier if Conner were still here. But he and Christopher have their own cross to bear.”

…

Diodes flash on the console of Conner’s lusciously lipped ship as it hurtles off toward Alucard’s dimension. It’s master at her helm, singing along to the stereo as the iridescent shimming of The extradimensional Void passes in a blur.

“HERE I go! AG-AIN on my OWN! BA NA! BA NA! Going down the only ro-oo-ad I've ever known!”

“Do you need to sing out loud?”

His co-host back in the games, Chris McLean sits in the seat next to him, tweezing a few of his stray eyebrow hairs and seeming bored. Conner holds out a finger to him.

“Quiet you. I’m hoping that if I pretend, you’re not here my powers will make it come true.”

“Funny,” Chris says flatly. “You realize you’re still not in charge just because we’re using your ship.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Do you even know where to find Alucard’s handlers?”

“Yes I do,” Conner says confidently. “It’s just on the other side of the LMC.”

“LMC?”

Conner gives him a half sneer.

“You really are green, aren’t you?” He asks. “LMC. Local Multiversal Cluster. Our little neighbourhood in the totality of existence, pretty cozy place if you don’t mind the HOH.”

The ship jerks to a halt and both men lurch forward

Chris squints, outside, the Void has been replaced by the familiar shapes of stars and galaxies. A blood-red steamship the size of a mountain range hangs before them, looming over the Wax Lip Ship.

“Unknown vessel, by the will of the Third One! Prepare to be boarded!”

Conner groans.

“Ah great. Shouldn’t have said anything.”

“What’s happening?” Chris asks.

“The HOH,” Conner says bitterly. “Looks like Blood Birds this time.”

He hears someone enter through the airlock, a moment later two soldiers in red and grey diesel punk armour and heavily armed enter the cockpit.

“Name and Home Realities!” Barks one of them.

“Conner O’Gleeson, Home reality is Alliance Designation NN-2020, this is my unpleasant travel companion Jeff Probst-“

“What?”

“Shut up and let me do the talking newbie. Probst is also from NN-2020. What seems to be the problem officer?”

“This reality has been forbidden to those without clearance,” One of the soldiers in the armour reports.

“That’s fine, I’m not staying, just making a jump connection through and we’ll be out of your hair.”

“Not acceptable. Turn your vessel around immediately. This entire sector of the Multiverse is under quarantine.”

Conner glares at them. “The whole sector? Are you insane!? That’ll add half a week to my trip!”

“Local sources have reported there are remains of Lord Gjira’s army that have become active in the area.” The soldier says grimly. “By direct order from Vauhzass for the glory of the Alliance and the stability of the multiverse, all remnants of that terrorist organization shall be isolated, and exterminated.”

“Well, it sounds like you’re doing a bang-up job of it,” Conner says dryly. “For the record fellas. It doesn’t inspire confidence if you’ve got their location ‘narrowed’ down to an entire sector.” He affects a high-pitched nasally accent. “‘We got ‘em now boys! Our culprits are cornered in one of these several trillion galaxies! Might as well bust out the champagne now!”

One of the soldiers slams the butt of his rifle into the back of Conner’s head.

“OW!”

“Slandering the Birds is an act of treason in several realities!” The soldier growls.

“You can leave this universe in your own vessel or a prison transport!” The other says. “Your choice.”

“Fine! We’re leaving, now kindly get off my ship.” Conner says rubbing his head.

The two throw him one last glance before departing. Conner begins pulling in new coordinates into the console, muttering under his breath.

“They seem fun,” Chris says.

“Yeah that’s the Vauhzass Alliance for you, there’re the biggest barrel of laughs in the Cluster,” Conner says sardonically. “Or Multiverse, my apologies. Like every hot shot around here, they like to pretend the Cluster’s the entire extent of existence. Makes ‘em feel more important.”

“What was with the whole Jeff Probst thing?”

“This may be your first time dealing with the trans-dimensionally stuff but there’s other Chris McLean’s out here that have already made a name for themselves. So word of advice keep a low profile.

Actually, never mind. This is you we’re talking about, I think that’s impossible.”

Conner presses a button, a holographic map appears. The bridge awash with the glow of millions of little dots strung together in great clouds. It reminds Chris of some of those internet visualizations his Social Media assistant showed him once.

A small section of the cloud is highlighted in red. Conner frowns at it. He presses more buttons, a route through the cloud appears.

“How much of a pain in the ass is this little roadblock going to be?” He mutters to himself.

Chris’s attention wanders up to the top corner of the display where something else is highlighted. There, jutting from the rest of the cluster is a perfectly round section that looks like the interior of a Tesla globe, or half of one at least. The sphere of universes terminated at a sharp angle as if it’d been cut in half.

“What that part?”

Conner’s eyes briefly flit up to where he’s looking, then back down to the console.

“That’s the Big Flare. Or what’s left of it. Ignore It, it’s not important.”

“Okay, so if it’s not important why’s it highlighted?”

“Just… personal research. But it doesn’t matter, Perky’s not coming back.”

“Your little mermaid stalker? That’s where she’s from? What happened to it?”

“Long story,” Conner says gruffly. “Only place I want to talk about right now is Alucard’s home. Now no more questions. I’ve got some course planning to do. Go buzz off and take a three-hour bath or something. Whatever gaudy self-care habits you get up to when I’m not around.”

Chris gets up.

“Fine. After all that Conner nonsense, maybe I will take a nice relaxing bath.”

He strolls out of the room, then returns a second later.

“I’m doing this because I feel like it by the way. Not because you suggested it.”

“Right, all my suggestions are awful.”

“Glad you’re finally catching on.”

Chris leaves again. Conner rolls his eyes and returns to his work.

…

“I swear honestly it was right here!” Penny exclaims, gaping at the solid wall at the back of Entrapta’s office. Jack is at a loss as well. The door that had been here yesterday, the one Flash so clearly had come through, vanished.

“Oh Man…” Jack breathes.

Zelda sniffs indignantly. “If this is a joke on both your part it’s not very funny.”

“We’re telling the truth it was right here!” Penny insists, just as offended.

“You shouldn’t have been playing in Entrapta’s office anyway. She’s an authority figure now, even if she was one of us a week ago.”

“But we weren’t… Agh!”

Penny groans and throws up her hands in frustration.

“Maybe if I draw a new door it’ll work again.”

There’s a sharp knock on the front door of the office, the door that’s supposed to be there and as such hasn’t taken on itself to mysteriously vanish.

Zelda opens it and to her surprise finds Katara standing there.

“What are you doing here!?” Jack yelps.

“I wanted to find you, and Olivia said she saw you guys headed towards the science lab,” Katara says, she raises an eyebrow. “What are you guys doing in Entrapta’s office?”

“We were just leaving,” Zelda says stiffly. Katara smiles.

“Great! The other Ordinal girls are taking me to that big shopping building they have in town and we were wondering if you wanted to join us?”

…

The ‘room’ for the High School challenge is one of the largest any of the contestants have yet seen, not only including the entirety of a late 80s American high school, but a complete small town to complete the teen experience, the crown jewel of which is the Rodney Mall.

In this idealized version of 80s nostalgia, the small-town shopping mall is the place to be in town, and even weeknights find it bustling with eager young shoppers and their credit cards. More period music of course wafting over the scene like perfume. In this case, 1982’s We Got The Beat by the Go-Gos

“You’ve more than proved your point, Mr. Harrington,” Elizabeth says. Her tone disproving, but she can’t seem to hide a smile as Steve piles a sixth scoop onto her ice cream cone.

“I swear I know what I’m doing!” He insists, laughing. “Back at Scoops Ahoy! last summer I swear I got a tower nine high. Dammit!”

The pile of ice cream has just given way to gravity and tumbled to the floor.

“It was a commendable attempt,” Elizabeth says.

“Look at this amateur Sam,” Max says, strolling past with his trusty canine companion. A tower of twenty scoops of ice cream clutched between his lagomorph fingers.

“Guess not everyone has the same skills you do,” Sam observes.

“I’ll say.”

Max shoves the entire stack of frozen dairy down his broad gullet in a single motion, he licks his lips stratified.

“I suppose I’m naïve thinking you’d learn your lesson after all the other food-related hijinks you’ve gotten into this game,” Sam says.

“Ah, those were we’re all Past Me’s mistakes, he’s a real chump Sam, I don’t pay much attention to what he gets up to.”

Above in the food court, Zelda and the four Ordinals sit eating fast food and people-watching, marinating in the atmosphere of the mall.

“It seems like in this America Nation people run around worshiping money,” Katara says.

“Basically,” Miko and Meg agree.

“Bet they don’t got malls like this in the South Pole huh Katara?” Miko says.

“Not in our tribe,” Katara agrees. “Actually, they might have bigger markets than this in the Northern Water Tribe, or Ba Sing Se. But nothing this advanced.”

“What’s your kingdom like Zelda?” Meg asks.

“Yeah, give us the deets Princess!” Miko says. “What’s the vibe over there? Epic fantasy? JRPG magictech fusion? What’s it like? Tell us! Teeeeeelll us!”

She falls over dramatically over her seat.

“I’ll literally die if you don’t.”

Zelda who’d been quietly friendly all evening suddenly looks distant.

“There isn’t anything much to say about Hyrule,” She reports curtly. “We are modest, but we have a long history and proud traditions. The people-“

“Your people,” Miko says.

“My people, are very noble and resourceful,” Zelda says hesitantly. “Hyrule is extraordinarily blessed to have them if there are very few of them.” She clears her throat and adds quietly. “…that survived.”

“Ugh boring! Zelda you killing us!” Miko says. “There’re people in Katara’s world that can punch through boulders with their bare fists. There’s got to be something cool about your kingdom.”

“I’ve been to some pretty cool kingdoms,” Jack says, quietly feeding French fries to Flash, who’s hidden away in his backpack.

Miko snorts with laughter. “In what? A book?”

“Miko don’t tease him. I think it’s sweet Jack has such an active imagination.” Katara soothes.

“I disagree,” Zelda says.

“Me and Annie’s adventures don’t come out of books.” Jack insists. “They stay in the books, then I make a wish and Morgan Le Fay sends us into the worlds inside them. There’s a difference.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed about reading Jack,” Katara says. “There’s a ton of great characters in literature.”

Lightning cracks across the sky, The first parts of Bach’s, Toccata and Fugue in D minor reverb through the mall.

The five of them look around.

“Anyone else hear gothic horror?” Miko asks.

“Bună ziua ladies.”

They spin around.

There’s an old man leering down at them, tall and lean with long white hair, a great snowy mustache, furry palms and searing red eyes. He’s dressed regally in the outfit of an Eastern European nobleman.

“Such a pleasure to meet such beautiful young women.” He crones in a deep voice.

“Great, Alucard changed again,” Katara groans.

“Who is this Alucard draga mea?” He asks pleasantly. “You’ve gotten my name backwards.”

He bows low.

“I am Count Dracula, it is a delight to see such beautiful faces in such a mysterious place,” He gives them a sinister fanged grin. “If you don’t mind, I’d love to share a drink with you all.”

“Oh dear, first his body changed, now his name,” Zelda muses. Dracula’s predator eyes fix sharply on her.

“That accent? That voice? Are you English? You know I’ve plans to purchase an estate in England. I’d love nothing more than to hear more about the country.”

Zelda shakes her head frantically.

“There’s an English girl on the down there,” Meg says pointing to Elizabeth. The Count beams at her then slinks off.

“Is it just me, or does he keep getting cooler?” Miko asks.

“He keeps getting worse,” Katara says annoyed.

“Zelda, are there any vampires in your kingdom?”

“How many times and I going to be harassed about my Kingdom today?” Zelda says hotly.

The others look up surprised.

“Everything alright?” Katara asks.

Zelda looks away suddenly and gets up, making a barely audible excuse about going to the restroom. The Ordinals watch her go.

“It was something I said wasn’t it?” Meg asks.

“She’s probably just upset about Al,” Katara says. “Let me talk to here.”

…

She finds the Princess at the end of a long hallway, right as she’s about to step into the ladies room.

“Hey Zelda, just wanted to come check on you.”

“That isn’t necessary.”

“Don’t let Al bug you, whatever form he takes he just likes being a jerk.”

“Katara I must insist. It isn’t the vampire I’m concerned with. It’s-“

She stops abruptly, having just opened the door.

“Not what?”

She doesn’t respond, curiously Katara pears past the door.

The room beyond is a long orange hallway polished like stone. Another door beyond it.

Beyond that door, there’s a pleasant forest carpeted by bluebells, beyond that a well-worn lifeguard chair overlooking a beach that stretches off into the horizon, a massive gas giant hovering in the blue sky.

“Is how all lavatories are in America?” Zelda asks.

Katara shakes her head. “I don’t think this seems right.”

…

The others seem to agree once they’ve gone and grabbed them.

Miko steps into the foggy South African market they’d just discovered, giddy.

“This is awesome! It’s like a bunch of secret easter egg levels in the house.”

“And we’re the first people to know about it!” Meg says.

“Actually…” Zelda begins.

“I can’t believe this,” Jack says a little stilted in his acting. “Who knew the house could do this?”

Zelda gives him a look of surprise.

“I’m not sure if this is safe,” Katara says. “I don’t think these rooms are part of the challenge.”

“Dude that’s what makes this cool!” Miko gasps. “Idea! We could all be like testers for the House!”

“Testers?” Meg asks.

“Yeah! Like try and map these out! See how far they go!”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Jack says.

The others agree.

…

They agree to meet in the same place and explore tomorrow. Miko drags Katara and Meg off to try and find an arcade, leaving Zelda and Jack alone.

“Good news Flash we found another way for you to get home.”

“Aw, man…” Mummers the creature in his backpack.

“I’m horribly sorry I didn’t believe you and Penny,” Zelda says.

“It’s okay.”

“Yes, but why didn’t you say anything to the others? I thought you were looking for help?”

Jack pushes his glasses up his nose and lets out a deep breath.

“Yeah, but not from Katara?”

“But Katara’s very kind.”

“I know she’s trying to be, but she treats me like a baby. She’d keep me out of this if she thought it was dangerous, and I can’t afford that right now, me and Penny know the most about whatever’s happening with the house. We have to be involved.

Another door appearing is a big scoop. It has to be studied. Flash, can I have my notebook please?”

“Oaky dokey!”

A talon pokes out of the bag with a little notebook in it. Jack takes it pulls out a pencil and begins writing furiously. Zelda meanwhile continues frowning.

“I don’t understand how you plan to keep this a secret when the ladies are involved?”

“We’ll keep exploring with them. I can tame notes and tell Penny what we’ve learned. We won’t tell them about Flash, but maybe this research can help him.”

“We?”

Jack scratches his neck and looks awkward.

“Sorry, I thought you might want to help us. It’s okay if you don’t, me and Penny can figure this out on our own if we really need to.”

Zelda considers it.

“That’s alright, I would be happy to be up service to you.”

“Really?”

“Yes…” Zelda gives him a rare smile. “It would be nice to feel useful for once.”

…

Their new secret doesn’t stay that way for long. Only a few hours later, Rodney, Rosalina and Peter stand at the entranceway to the mall lavatory.

“New doors and Alucard’s regressed into Count Dracula!” Rodney says faintly, the squirrel looking more concerned than when they’d found him pacing the empty halls of the high school.

“These are troubling machinations. All the same, I’m thankful you told me. We’ll only overcome this if we stay on top of it.”

“We will persevere together,” Rosalina insists. Rodney gives her a tired smile.

“Your kindness is appreciated, Rosie.”

She nods respectfully and leaves with Peter.

Rodney stays put, drumming his fingers together while his tail twitches in agitation.

Something above him creaks. His ears perk up.

“How long are you going to stay hiding like that?” He asks the empty room.

“I like my space…” Comes a voice from the shadows. “When were you going to tell me we had guests?”

Rodney frowns ruefully.

“I thought the house would be big enough to avoid you crossing paths. It isn’t too late to change that.”

A cold laugh rang out.

“You know that’s not true.”

A billowing black form swoops down and Rodney finds himself staring face to face with a masked stranger.

"When were you going to tell me about this monster?”

“Alucard is under control.”

He winces, there’s the terrible noise of metal on stone The stranger’s sword having just sliced through the wall beside them.

“You’re disrespecting me with all these lies Rodney.”

“I swear you’re not in danger. The vampire will be controlled one way or another.”

“Either you people do it, or I do.”

They swoop past Rodney and disappear.

…

So begins the double life of Jack Smith. Exploring the backrooms of the House with his teammates at night and reporting to his two Supertasks allies in the morning, classes, homework and caring for Flash filling every ability bit of time he has left over.

For once the kindly meant condensing attitude Katara inflicts on him pays off, her motherly impulses keeping him as a very non-active player in their explorations of the house. All the better for him to go beneath suspicion and observe.

Their first task is finding the doors, as they disappear nearly as fast as they appear, only to reappear somewhere else entirely. Sometimes in the school, other times the mall, the shops on the main road, or the house, or even on occasion the painted backdrop that surrounds the town. They always do find them again in the end, as it seems desiring the doors makes you more likely to find them.

The House as a whole seems to be an empath. It takes them a while to notice. But the locations they seem to find always appear to resonate with the mood of whoever opened the door. Zelda first, rather fearfully, believes this as a sign the house can pull scenes directly from their past, but after more testing, it seems the effect is rather more subtle. Miko standing next to a closed door with her eyes bunched shut for five minutes, wishing audibly she go home only yields a room filled with video game consoles.

“Doesn’t seem like it worked?” Meg says.

“No, this is way better than home!” Miko says gleefully, pocketing several handheld devices.

The girls discover quickly enough that mapping the house never works, as the layout changes between trips, instead, they begin keeping track of what rooms they encounter, and who the one opening the door is when they do.

Meg’s rooms skew towards the mundane, or at least as much of it as the house can manage, lonely parking lots, empty box stores and chain restaurant play places, coupled with nautical scenes, foggy piers and old ocean liners.

“My family’s from Rhode Island.” She explains as they stare off into a midnight drydock.

Miko’s rooms are more exciting, tech stores, amusement parks, Asian night markets and sprawling scenes of fantasy that could have been taken from the backdrop of a role-playing game.

Katara’s are largely natural, hot springs, pine forests, sweeping mountain trails, frozen tundra and sand-swept deserts. Even when she did get a manmade structure her doors led to less modern environments than any of the others. From what she told her world back home was only beginning to industrialize, and the principal nation behind the effort was one she held rather complicated feelings on.

Zelda’s rooms are as melancholic as the princess is herself. Grassy fields of rich emerald green, quiet medieval villages, Asian temples, and ruins. So many of her doors lead to ruins, some simple monoliths laying in a farmer’s field, others sprawling megastructures as impossibly advanced as they were ancient.

On the second day, she opened a door and stepped into a cave, where there was nothing but a small dragon carved from stone.

She closed it sharply and refused to open any more. The others didn’t press the matter.

The odd time the girls let Jack open doors he often finds great libraries, castles and forests on the other end, along with scenes from all across history. It was almost hard to be wowed by them after a while. After all, he’d seen so much with Annie in their treehouse.

Zelda when she joins him and Penny in private still never talks about her personal life, but after a while seems to let down some of her emotional walls. The princess it seems, enjoys herself in her own quiet way with both Him, Penny and Flash, and the Ordinal Girls, who’ve slowly been getting a little better at, if not treating Jack like an equal, then at least not openly babying him.

Jack’s rooms end up bolder on his missions with Penny, where he’d find a dark-age monastery with the girls, he’ll find a bustling Andalusian university courtyard overflowing with robot schoolers traveling with Penny. She continues insisting they go on their own forays into the house together.

 “Not fair if you have all the fun now is it then Jack?” She asks one day. The two of them reading books in a wizard tower overflowing with books. At some point Jack suggested searching through any library they could find for clues on Flash or the cloaked figure or anything going on, but they had drawn up blank every time. The house it seems, never liked to break the immersion by talking about itself.

Flash yawns and stretches curled up in Jack’s lap like a cat. The little creature stays with Penny most of the day much to its chagrin. For whatever reason the smuzzy-fuzzy seems unflinchingly loyal to Jack and Jack alone.

“I can’t make sense of why he likes you more than me.”

“I like Jack!” Flash says innocently. “We’re buddies! We go waaaaay back!”

“Aren’t we friends Flash?”

“Well um, we could. But I don’t know you.”

Penny turns and gives Jack a look of disbelief. He can’t help but laugh. Fired up and indignant like that she reminds him of his younger sister, it’s not one-to-one, but it’s enough to make some of the sting of his homesickness go away.

“At least you have friends on your team.” Jack offers.

“Not really, Zelda’s the only one I can trust.”

“Because of that secret mission, you can’t tell me about.”

“That’s it exactly.”

Jack thinks to himself.

“Even if you don’t tell me what it’s for, Is there any way I could help you with your team?”

Penny breaks into a grin.

“Actually… there might just be.”

…

“Wow has it ever been boring this week!” Daisy complains. She’s currently occupied with poking around the cabinets of Peach’s office, bereft of anything more meaningful to do. Peach herself sits at her desk, inspecting paperwork.

“I prefer the term calm.”

“I prefer some action,” Daisy says.

The sound of approaching voices attracts her attention and she perks up.

“Alright, sounds like some’s on the way.”

Three men barge in, Chef Hatchet, Dracula and Drax.

“Princess!”

“Yes?” Daisy and Peach ask.

“Princess of Higher Authority!” Drax corrects gesturing to Peach. “This flimsy Terran refuses to partake in the rites of Gym!”

“Apologies.” Dracula says with a curt bow, the vampire still in his Count form but looking noticeably younger. “I do not feel that a proud Boyar such as myself has anything to gain from this “Swim class” as the curiously tattooed man puts it.”

“Do not make fun of my body that’s hurtful!” Drax booms. “How would you feel If I made fun of your ominous glowing eyes!?”

Dracula gives him his signature grin, the only part of him that truly hasn’t changed.

“Is that an insult my ears detect? Because if so, be prepared to deal with the consi-“

He makes a face and straightens up, his expression like he’s just put his hands on an electrical wire. After a second his expression relaxes, some of his wrinkles smoothed, more of his white hairs have returned to their natural black.

“Good Evening… Have we met before?”

“Third time today…” Grumbles Chef Hatchet, pulling out a handwritten note and a book of Early Modern Balkan history out of his pockets. Then begins reading in a stilted voice.

“Good Afternoon Count Dracula, we are so honoured to have you here in our palace. We are a secluded  estate disconnected from the affairs of modern politics, tell us what recent news do you bring from your corner of the world?”

“The same as it always has been my friend. I am a humble Boyar with a castle of my own in Transylvania living under the thumb of those heathen Turks, who even as we speak march into the lands of Christendom all the way to the gates of Wien, capital of the Hapsburg Empire.”

“1683 then,” Chef says grimly. “That means Drac’s half the age he was when we got ‘em.”

“That would explain why he’s so unceasingly terrible at gym,” Drax says.

“It’s not just him, everyone’s grades are getting worse,” Peach says, showing the others the papers she’s been studying. “Bruce and Olivia’s grades are excellent and Wallace and Vultureman seem very popular but no one else seems to trying anyone. Not even Zelda.”

“Blame yourselves for setting up such a boring challenge,” Chef grunts.

“That’s not very nice,” Peach says wounded.

“He’s got a point though,” Daisy says under her breath.

“Course I got a point,” Chef insists. “Everybody wines about Chris’s formula and how ‘inhuman’ it is but it’s what gets butts in front of screens watching this show. If the contestants ain’t suffering it ain’t worth watching.”

“I respectfully disagree Chef,” Peach says.

“Well, you better find a way to keep those contestants busy with something!” Chef warns. “In case they, hypothetically speaking here, start using all their free time to poke their noses in places they shouldn’t be.”

 “Homecoming is still a while away, but I’m sure we can find something special everyone will enjoy.” Peach gasps suddenly. “Oh, and I have just the idea!”

…

“A bake sale?” Elizabeth laughs, getting an eyeful of the pamphlet Steve’s just handed her.

“To raise money for the game. It’s mandatory or something.” He informs her. “Supposed to be encourage ‘togetherness’ before the homecoming dance or something.”

“I suppose it’s rather encouraging this is the best use of our time our headmasters can come up with.”

“Yeah, back in real 80s high school the staff were way harder.” Steve gives her a grin. “Probably even worse in your time.”

“I wouldn’t be aware. In my time public schooling is reserved for men.”

Steve balks.

“Holy shit? You’re joking?”

She shakes her head.

“God damn that’s like some Iran bull shit, I didn’t know the past was that bad.” He says. He thinks for a moment.

“Would us hanging out like this even fly back then?”

“I almost called on a chaperone the first time you took me to the mall…” Elizabeth admits “…It’s not proper for an unwed man and woman to be alone together back in Hertfordshire.”

She looks off, watching the scene below them, they’re perched on the bleachers at the school’s football field, watching Vultureman and his robotic posse practice.

“It’s rather convenient to see that one day both sexes shall be allowed to engage without such many procedures.”

“Yeah. I mean most of the cast here’s from modern America. We’re big on our freedom.”

Elizabeth cocks a half smile at him.

“It seems you colonials and your great experiment as paid off quite handsomely. Papa tells on occasion of what an outcry it was when your general Washington first seceded.”

Her attention wanders back to the athletes below. Steve meanwhile has frozen up.

“Mr. Harrington, you’re the expert, is this the same football young boys would play back in England? because it seems time has changed it considerably.”

“No, wait. Slow down. Your dad was around during the Revolutionary War?”

“As a boy,” She says distractedly. “Not in person, of course, we Bennets have never seriously courted migration out of Britain.”

“But he was alive in 1776?”

“I suppose he would have been yes, but he would have been quite young at the time. It’s been nearly half a century. The state of affairs has changed, now all who talk of politics are consumed by that Napolean fellow in France and his affairs. There’s talk in the village of redcoats back from campaign wintering near us in Meryton. My sisters naturally have shown interest in that prospect.”

Steve stares at her as if seeing her for the first time. He’d known she was from the past, but it hadn’t quite sunk in how far in the past this woman had come from.

“So… dating’s probably really different right?”

“Well, It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,” Elizabeth explains sardonically. “That is at the very least the wish my fair papa. He has five daughters, therefore the matter of inheritance is rather unbecoming. For the benefit of the Bennet name he wishes to see us paired with successful men quite handsome in social standing and fortune.”

“Arranged marriages basically.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“Yeah, because he’d never approve of you seeing a guy just because you like him, not even for like… a homecoming dance?”

“Did you have something in mind?” Elizabeth asks curiously.

Steve leaps to feet.

“What!? Me!? No! Never! Hey, I just remembered I gotta be anywhere but here, see you around!”

He bounds away down the bleachers as fast as his legs can carry him, only looking back once, just long enough to see Elizabeth looking oddly disappointed.

…

As Steve darts through the busy halls of Rodney High, anxious to hide from his emotions he passes by the Four Ordinal girls and Zelda, who’d just been discussing the upcoming bake sale when his distress detracts them.

“What’s got him so distracted?” Katara wonders aloud.

The next moment she stumbles into someone, sending the contents of her book bag crashing to the floor.

“Oh my gosh! Jack, are you alright?”

“Yup don’t worry about me,” Jack says picking himself up off the floor. “Here let me help you with your bag.”

“That’s fine, it’s my fault for not paying attention to where I was going, I’ll grab it. Are you hurt?”

“No. All good, I’ll… see you guys after class.”

He hitches up his backpack, pushes his glasses back into place and quickly weaves his way into a crowd of robotic students.

“He kinda looked like he was in a hurry too,” Miko says.

“Poor Jack,” Katara says, still picking things up off the floor. “He’s really too young for this game, I don’t know how he’d manage without us.”

“With due respect, Katara Jack is more competent than I believe you sometimes give him credit for.,” Zelda says quietly.

Katara doesn’t respond. She’s just picked up a folded note.

“I didn’t drop this.”

“Guess Jack must’ve,” Meg says with a shrug.

“This isn’t his handwriting though,” Katara says. She squints. The contact lens she’d been given at the start of the challenge translating the contents of the note into the script she used back home.

She gasps.

…

The week they’d so far spent at the high school wasn’t that different from the rest of the game in Shego’s opinion.

She was as ever, surrounded by dozens and dozens of self-absorbed idiots, gleefully shrieking about friendship and other kinds of do-goer nonsense. Really it seems only she and maybe Tenpenny were taking this five-million-dollar contest seriously.

Although that didn’t mean Shego was about to take his advice and suck up to the pretentious get-along gang that was the other Ordinals. Being in the same space as them made her realize how much she underappreciated Doctor Drakan back home. At least he was only one idiot, and he occasionally respected her.

Still, at least, with this high school garbage she got some space away from the others.

“SHEGO!”

Reluctantly Shego pulls up from the water fountain and squints down the hallway. Katara’s storming towards her, fire burning in her ice blue eyes. The rest of her stupid little clique on her heels.

This ought to be good.

“Well, if it isn’t my least favourite person in this game.” She snarks.

“You’re one to talk, traitor!” Katara snaps back, shoving a dirty note in Shego’s face. She grabs it.

“Shego betrayed the team to the Supertasks captain? I did not you little rats! Who was spying on my meeting with Tenpenny!”

“She admits it!” Miko declares dramatically.

“Admit what? I talk to the other team once and a while, yeah so what!?” She jabs a finger at Zelda. “You people are doing it right now!”

“Don’t change the subject, what did you tell Tenpenny!?” Katara demands.

“Nothing!”

“Lair!”

“You probably tried to make up some evil villain scheme with him!”

“That can’t be true. Captain Tenpenny wouldn’t fall for that.” Zelda protests.

“Also, I didn’t….” Shego pauses. “Actually, yeah I did try that.”

Zelda looks surprised, meanwhile Meg, Miko and Katara all erupt with fury.

“What do you people want from me!? I’m an Evil. Super. Villain.” Shego shouts over them. “It’s all part of the job description sis. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”

“You’re a horrible woman!” Katara shouts. “You should have gone home instead of Entrapta or Guzma.”

“Well, I didn’t did I?”

“You will once we tell the others.”

“Go ahead…” Shego turns to leave. “Maybe you’ll finally find out no one else cares about your whiny little opinions.”

She struck across the jaw, she turns glaring, to see Katara’s pulled a water whip out from the fountain.

“Oh you want to start that game do you?”

Green energy surges from her hands.

“Try it!” Katara challenges.

Their robot classmates stop what their doing and move out of the way, captivated.

“This whole game you’ve been miserable to be around!” Katara says.

“At least I own the fact I’m a jerk!” Shego counters. “What’s your excuse?”

“You think I’m the problem!?”

“You’re the one always sucking up to the captain and throwing a tantrum whenever the votes don’t go your way!”

“You’re projecting. Unlike you, I actually respect our captain, and I have friends who respect me!”

“Yeah. They’re called minions honey, I should know. Back home I am one!”

The crowd swells, some of the real staff and students, like Drax, Daisy, and Wallace have appeared, all of them chanting.

“Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“Katara this isn’t wise,” Zelda says in a low voice.

“Anytime Shego!” Katara taunts, ignoring her friend. “Or are you just stalling you can get out of here!”

“Please!” Shego sneers. “I’ve been wanting to wipe the floor with you since day one!”

“GUYS NO!”

The Ordinal captain, Fry comes barreling in between them.

“What are you guys fighting for!? We’re supposed to be a team!”

“She’s asking for it!” Shego and Katara snap in unison.

“Katara enough, you said yourself she’s behind us,” Zelda says. Shego laughs mirthlessly.

“That’s what I’m talking about, you little brats think you’re better than us because you ‘play nice’ Get real! There’s only one person at the end of this and it won’t be one of you! Heck, maybe one of you losers will get maimed by one of Chris’s challenges. Then no one’ll have to put up with you aga-“

“Shut up!”

Zelda’s stepped in front of Katara, a blast of golden white energy erupts from her palm, sending Shego careening backwards.

The room collectively gasps, even the Princess looks momentarily alarmed. Before anyone else can react. Shego’s on her feet, burning green energy blasts of her own sailing towards Zelda. The princess dodges and fires back. The crowd roars with delight which quickly turns to cries of panic as stray bolts of energy explode around them. Shego hurls herself at Zelda, only to crash with the great ringing of a gong into a golden shield that’s sprung up before her.

“No fair!”

“I’ve had enough of people insulting me and my friends!” Zelda shouts.

Shego’s entire body surges with energy. The water foundation next to her explodes, a torrent rushing out of it. Katara’s doing. Shego ducks and lobs a burst of green flames at the waterbender, then comes crashing into Zelda. Glowing fists raised.

Suddenly she’s flung off her. Zelda’s arms are bound to her waist, and she’s hoisted into the air.

Rosalina and Peter have just stepped between them. Rosalina’s wand raises.

“Alright! Break it up!”

“There will be no fighting on school premises.”

“Yeah! Take this business out to the parking lot where everyone can watch!” Daisy shouts.

Peter and Rosalina give her a look.

“I mean you two are in trouble!”

…

The fluorescent lights above her flicker as Zelda waits in the hall outside the Principal’s office. Heart somewhere in her gut. Anger and dread collide inside her in a way that makes her stomach writhe.

Inside her office, she can hear Peach and Shego shouting over one another. The other Princess is normally so pleasant and soft-spoken, which only makes her rage all the more frightening.

The thought of facing her terrifies Zelda, but there was no one to blame for it. She chastises herself furiously. Of all the reasons to use her powers in this game, it was a piety insult by Shego that brought them out. Shame on her. She was slipping if that’s how little discipline she had these days. After all, she’d been through, all the control she’d learned over her emotions. The control her father…

Father…

Another painful throb of the heart. She represses it bitterly.

The door opens and Shego storms out, infernos blazing in her eyes as she blows past Zelda. Rosalina accompanies her out, the Goddess, normally more sombre than her Princess friends at the best of times now looking particularly grim.

“Principal Peach will see you.”

Zelda nods quietly.

“Good luck…” Katara says. She told would be facing the principal for their fight.

“Thank you…”

She enters the staff room, walking through it as slowly as she dares. The door to the principal’s office is closed. To Zelda’s surprise, she could still hear Peach arguing with someone inside.

She knocks timidly. The arguing goes silent, and the next moment the principal is there at the door, smiling her usual smile.

“Princess Zelda! Please do come in!”

Zelda obeys, picking up a chair someone, Shego likely, had tossed aside, then sitting down in it. Peach sat down opposite her and pressed a button on her desk.

“Toadette could you be so kind as to give me my key?”

“Oh yeah!”

The little toad girl appears a second later with an old-fashioned key. The principal takes it, unlocks a compartment in her desk, relocks it, then gives the key back to her subject, who salutes, then runs off.

“Candy?” Peach offers, passing a little paper-wrapped caramel across her desk. “They’re very good. I have to keep them locked away or I’d never have any left to offer my students.”

Peach gives a polite little chortle then smiles imploringly at Zelda. Zelda didn’t have it in her to smile back.

Peach’s look changed to something more sympathetic.

“I’m not angry Princess. I’m just very surprised by your behaviour.”

Zelda’s eyes fall to her feet.

“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to fight.”

“Even before today your grades are very poor, and you’ve been so quiet.” Peach looks imploringly at the younger princess. “I want you to enjoy yourself here on this competition, and I’m afraid I’m not doing a very good job at that. Please tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’d much rather not…”

Peach nods.

“Perhaps we can talk about something else. Tell me about Hyrule, what is it like there?”

Some of the colour drains from Zelda’s face as she looks up. “What do know about Hyrule?”

“Peter’s told me a great deal of-“

“Why does he know about it?” Zelda suddenly looks fearfully.

“There’s no need to hide things,” Peach says with a little laugh.

“Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, I have a very good friend, Mario. He’s a very brave hero who helped save the Kingdom many times. Someone told me you have a very good friend like that too.”

“Yes,” Says Zelda, almost under her breath. “There’s Link, my knight. He defeated Ganon and Ganondorf, He overcame tremendous odds in service to the Kingdom, he…”

Painful memories surged. She goes silent.

“I’m sorry, I really can’t. You really wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh but Zelda please, I do!” Peach says earnestly. “We are so much alike, more than anyone in all the galaxies. I have my own Link, I have my own White Magic, I have my Ganon, his name is Bowser, and he is a very wicked turtle, Zelda. But I have outgrown him and found my happy ever after. It is possible. If there’s anything you need to talk about I am here, as a friend, and I understand everything you’ve seen.”

A sharp pang of anger surfaces in the Princess of Hyrule. Her eyes met Peach’s.

“Do you?”

“I do,” Peach says emphatically.

“Tell me then,” Zelda says in a measured tone. “You say this Bowser is like Ganon? How many times has he burned your kingdom to ashes, how many of your people has he killed under your watch?”

The question has its desire effect, the Principal’s dumbstruck.

“Killed?”

“You say you have divine magic as I do Princess? Then surely you know what it’s like being told you must learn to harness the power of the Goddess?” Zelda continues, “Know how it feels to spend seventeen years failing at that? Having to struggle on your own because your mother died before she taught you how? Having your father tear you away from your friends, and Kingdom, forcing you every moment to focus on those powers, because if you are prepared for the calamity-“

Her voice caught,

“Have you felt what it’s like to fail on that day? To only find those powers when all is lost, and then, then a hundred years later just when you’ve found hope, do you know how it might feel to lose that again? Lose your Kingdom? Lose Link once more, and when everything else is lost finally sacrifice your mind and body, with no hope of ever becoming yourself again!?”

Peach stared at her faintly.

“Zelda…”

“We are not alike Princess!” Zelda insists near in tears. “Because no one as cheerful as you could have been through what I have. I have spent a hundred years imprisoning myself and Ganon in the ruin of Hyrule Castle. I’ve spent ten thousand years in the body of the Light Dragon replenishing the Master Sword! I have spent my entire life from the day of my birth, sacrificing everything to protect Hyrule from Ganon, only to watch him destroy it twice!” She gestures to the costume she wears, the green antlers atop her head.

“Now after all of that, you and your contestant see fit to mock me of that? Of my past, and you say so happily you understand this!? HOW!?”

Peach stays frozen in stunned silence.

Zelda rises, eyes challenging her, then turns to leave defiantly.

Peach closes her eyes.

“You want to connect with her so badly, tell her!”

“I can’t!” Peach snaps.

“What?” Zelda asks.

“I could never hope to imagine what that was like Zelda. I-I’m sorry.” Pleads Peach profusely. “But I’m very glad you were able to tell me about it.”

Zelda blushes, her confidence disappears again.

“I hadn’t intended. It all came out so fast…”

“Please sit down again.”

She does so.

“I discovered so much about myself during my time on Endless,” Peach says softly. “This game can be such a wonderful adventure. But you must open your heart to it, Zelda. To the friends around you.”

“I don’t know if I’d like new friends,” Zelda admits. “What if I lose them all again?”

“You can’t your fear of that rule you, it isn’t healthy.” Peach insists. “Besides, it won’t happen. No one’s going to die in this game. I’ll see to that myself if I half to.”

Zelda smiles faintly.

“Bless you, Princess.”

“This is not your kingdom Zelda, other people’s fates are not your worry here. That’s my job.”

Peach hands her a handful of sweets then opens the door.

“You have many friends, Princess Zelda, never forget that.”

…

The only pain in the ass about the 80s Tenpenny’s realizes is how harsh the drug culture is. If Rodney was able to take some artistic liberties with the students then he could have taken some artistic liberties with the D.A.R.E posters littered around the school.

As Tenpenny sits there, on the front steps of the school, sorely craving a joint, Steve Harrington comes sailing out of the building, looking flustered.

“Harrington! What’s the rush?”

“Can’t talk Cap!” Says Steve briskly. “Need to go… find a river and drown myself out of embarrassment.”

Tenpenny chuckles.

“Trouble with Ms. Bennet?”

“I’m in over my head Frank!” Steve frets. “She’s so hot. So, so, so hot, looks and personality. But she’s so old!”

“I thought she was 19?”

“Yeah, but she’s from like 1813! How’m I supposed to ask out I girl from that far back man!? I don’t know anything about whatever kind of crazy old fashion etiquette she’s used to! I’m already breaking her cultural norms talking to her!”

“All right Steve, take it easy. You’re overthinking this.”

“I’m not though! She already said her dad wants her to marry some rich guy! I’m not rich! I mean my family does alright but she’s not going to settle for some small-town Indiana guy! Indiana’s not even a thing yet in her time!"

Tenpenny raises an eyebrow. “So, I take it the whole time you’ve been worrying about this, it probably just slipped your mind I asked you to keep an on Penny?”

Steve stares at him for a second, before covering his face with his hands.

“…I forgot…”

“Yeah, I know you forgot, it’s okay. Sit down, Harrington.”

Steve lowers himself down next to his captain. Tenpenny slaps him on the back.

“You’re a good kid, you’re dedicated to the team, I respect that. Even if you do fuck things up once and a while, we’re still gonna keep working on that. All right?”

“All right.”

“That Elizabeth Bennet, I like her too, she doesn’t complain much, lot more easygoing than you’d think. If she can accept a black man as her captain, I take it she’s more flexible to changing with the times than she looks.”

“Well yeah…” Steve blusters. “But… like I mean… there’s still like complexities to this that-“

Tenpenny cuts him off with a laugh.

“I must really fucking like you Harrington telling you this. But if you’re looking for advice about dating a chick from another time period, you’re talking to the wrong team captain.”

“Right…” Steve looks up, understanding. “Right!”

“What are you waiting for then? Go learn how to deal with this little booty quest so you can get your head back in the game.”

Steve darts off, casting back a general spattering of thanks in Tenpenny’s direction.

The cop smiles,

His grin grows when the school doors open again, and sulking out of them comes a very moody Shego.

He whistles

“Well, what a goddamn coincidence! If it ain’t the other dumb mother fucker who’s been ignoring my advice?”

“Cram it!”

Tenpenny clicks his tongue.

“You must really not want that alliance I offered?”

“What the one that I don’t get anything out of until the merge but it’s still getting me trouble anyway? That alliance?”

“I told you Shego, I only take those under my wing I see as useful. I thought I judged you useful on day one but you just love proving me wrong don’t you?”

“They provoked me!!” Shego shouts.

“…And you keep falling for it,” Tenpenny says.

“What do you want me to do? Go soft on them? Play nice?”

“If it’ll get that target off your back that’s exactly what I’d fucking like you to do.”

“It’s not happening. I turned my back on being nice long ago.”

“Oh, did you?” Tenpenny asks intrigued. Shego’s nostrils flare.

“My brothers have their own stupid little superhero team. I was involved until I realized being evil pays better.”

“Yeah, it might. But you don’t get to win in the end do you?”

Shego growls.

“Tell me, your little superfamily? They take good care of their town?” He continues.

“Yeah, Go City loves them,” Shego says drily. “Keep the streets clean, people safe, happy, boring. All that goodie two-shoes garbage.”

“I fucking kill for that,” Tenpenny admits. “There’s not a damn soul looking after Los Santos.”

She cocks an eyebrow.

“Aren’t you a cop?”

“The LSPD ain’t nothing but the biggest gang in Grove Street,” Tenpenny says. “That shit’s more crooked than a coat hanger, and I’m not exactly the white knight of the force.”

“You’re dirty?”

“Everyone’s dirty in Los Santos Shego! The whole system’s fucked. You’re born black in those streets, only job prospects are dealing and killing other coloured mother fuckers for stepping in on your territory.

I’m a gangbanger like the rest of the ghetto trash, but with a badge on my chest, I’m untouchable.

I got that same shit here. I’m the good king, the vox populi, I got people loyal to me. You see that kid Steve that just ran off? I got him around my finger, he’d lay down his whole game for me and as soon as he hooks up with Bennet, I can control her through him as well.”

“So basically, you’re a lair who’s just looking out for himself.” Shego points out.

“Everyone’s just looking out for themselves Shego, that good and evil crap is just bedtime stories. But if people think you’re the good guy, they’ll let you get away with anything.”

Shego makes to respond. He cuts her off.

“Now this whole potential alliance thing is important for your game, not mine. We ain’t teaming up, you’re trying to get in my circle. Don’t you forget that shit.

You want that? Start playing smart. Bury the hatchet with those girls, and make them like you. Then you can put a knife in their backs. All right Shego? You fucking understand me this time, ‘cause I ain’t going to teach you this lesson a third time.”

“Fine, whatever.” She says, getting up to leave.

“Hold up! One more thing!” Tenpenny calls.

She turns.

“What?”

“Almost forgot.”

Tenpenny slaps her around the jaw.

“OW! What was that for!?” She yelps.

“For picking a fight in the hallway with Zelda.” He says. “I catch you trying to damage my property again it’ll be your latex-wrapped ass on the line.”

Shego grumbles very bitterly.

…

Steve finds the Ordinal Captain, out by the basketball court dribbling by himself. It takes a little bit of explaining to convey what his scenario is so they decide to shoot some hoops in the meantime.

“You’re from the 20^th century and Leela was born in the 30^th. How’d you make it work?”

“It wasn’t easy,” Fry admits, trying and failing to get the ball past Steve. “She’s perfect and I’m me. But I kept asking and, well, guess I wore her down in the end.”

“How long did that take?”

“About a decade?”

“A decade! You’re kidding?”

Steve’s so surprised he lets his guard down, Fry jogs past him and tries to make a basket, it bounces off the backboard and pegs him in the face.

“Me and Leela have a thousand years between us,” Fry says slightly dazed. “You said it’s only a hundred with you and Elizabeth, right?”

“I’ve got a hundred and seventy years on her.” Steve mopes.

“Well, that’s great!” Fry says beaming. “That means you’re the super smart future babe, and she’s the idiot delivery boy from the stupid ages. She’s probably more in love with you than you are here!”

“She’s not. She’s way smarter than me. I’ve just got the advantage because I’m from the future.”

“Maybe you could try doing what made me fall in love with Leela when I woke up in the future,” Fry suggests, making another try for a pass. Steve cuts him off and takes the ball.

“What’s that?”

Fry takes the ball back.

“Be someone she can rely on.”

He dribbles in circles around Steve.

“I lost everyone I knew getting frozen for a thousand years. When I woke up, Leela was the first person I connected with. She’s always been looking out for me in that crazy 31^st century world of hers. Even when she’s annoying about it. Especially when she’s annoying about it.”

A happy look comes over his expression.

“Elizabeth isn’t trapped here, she’s just visiting.” Steve points out. “Unlike you, she’s going back home to her family after this… Uh, sorry by the same.”

He gets an eyeful of Fry’s expression.

“She’d still probably like someone to make things feel a little like home.”

Steve nods.

“Not bad advice for an Ordinal. Thanks, Fry.”

He takes the ball from Fry

“You might want to up your basketball game though man.”

“Hey, I was great as a teen in the eighties,” Fry says defensively. “I’m just rusty because that was a millennium ago.”

“What a coincidence I was a great player during my high school years in the eighties too.”

Steve shoots, successfully getting his shot in the basket.

He grins.

“…Which was… just a couple months ago. Catch you around man.”

He slings the ball under his shoulder and walks off.

Fry whistles.

“Man, I wish I could relive that eighties high school experience.”

Wallace Wells, who’s just wandered by stops and gives him a look of bewilderment.

“What do think this challenge has been about?”

“Is that what they’ve been going for?” Fry asks ideally.

…

Later that night at Zelda’s house, Jack, the Ordinal girls and the Princess herself have gathered.

“…I still can’t believe you never told anyone you had magic powers!” Miko exclaims, not for the first time.

“Divine powers,” Zelda corrects, a little self-consciously. “…bestowed upon the princess of the realm by the Goddess Hylia, and they’re meant for protecting Hyrule, not fighting bullies between classes.”

“Yeah, but they’re really good at that though.” Meg points out.

“No matter, you won’t see them again. I’ve already decided I won’t be using them for the rest of the competition.”

Meg and Miko begin to protest, Katara settles them.

“They’re your powers, so it’s your choice.” She says. “Let’s just hope we don’t run into any more trouble.”

“Yes, we should hope so Jack,” Zelda says sounding annoyed.

“What?” Jack asks startled.

“That note didn’t appear from nowhere. I recognize Penny’s handwriting.”

“What are you talking about?” Katara asks.

“Zelda no…” Jack hisses.

“Jack has been scheming with Penny Crayon from my team,” Zelda says haughtily. “They discovered the secret passages through the house before we did, and have been using our little forays into them to learn more.”

“What?” Miko and Meg yelp in one voice.

“Jack, tell me that’s not true?” Katara says. “Why would you keep secrets from us? We’re your team.”

“I have my reasons.”

“What are they?”

Jack smiles guiltily.

“I’ll tell you when it’s over.”

Katara frowns at him.

“I’m very sorry,” Jack says desperately. “That note wasn’t in part of this. I just asked Penny if I could help her with something. I didn’t know what was on that note, I’d never given it to you if I thought it’d start a fight.”

“It’s sounding like she’s been a bad influence on you,” Katara says. “Maybe you two shouldn’t be hanging out.”

“No! Come on!” Jack pleads. “I have to work with Penny, The monster we let out is still-“

“WHAT?” The three Ordinal girls shout.

Jack sighs.

“Oh brother…”

…

So dawns the day of the bake sale and by the time it does, everything is running smoothly again in Rodney High. The whole cast had (A little begrudgingly at times) managed to pull something out of their ovens and have them ready for display in the gym.

“It’s so nice that everyone decided to participate.” Peach sighs happily. Staff and subjects by her side.

“You did force them,” Peter says.

“We encouraged them,” Peach says.

The only two not present were Shego who was missing out as punishment for her actions, and Alucard who had disappeared off somewhere. The vampire had been doing a lot of that this week, even those keeping a close eye on him often had trouble keeping tabs on where he was.

When last asked about current events Dracula had spoken poetically at length about “A Jagiellonian prince, barely out of his boyhood, drowned in his armour like the great Barbarossa. At his passing, the Magyars, Sons of Atilla, cry for mercy defenceless before the sword of the heathen sultan Suleiman and his horde of Turks.” All of which meant that it was now 1526 in the Count’s eyes. Only fifty years after his vampiric transformation.

“Mr Rodney said he received a message from Conner earlier today saying he and Mr. McLean were finally able to reach Alucard’s world,” Peach says brightly. “I’m sure you know what that means?”

“Some bellhop in Transylvania’s about the regret his live choices?” Chef guess. Peach giggles.

“It means we’ll be able to host our Homecoming very soon! Oh, it’s so exciting to think of everyone dressed up and dancing.”

“Drax doesn’t dance,” Peter says.

“I do not dance,” Drax informs them a second later.

“Then perhaps you’d like to chaperone?” Peach asks sweetly.

“Would I get to discipline the students?”

“Only if they misbehave.”

“Excellent…”

As they walk the gym, Toads, Robotic students and the contestants alike intermingle at their stalls.

Steve emerges from the crowd in front of Elizabeth’s table and feints some attempt at serenity.

“Mr. Harrington!” She exclaims in surprise.

“Oh, hey Elizabeth! Didn’t know if I was gonna run into you here.” He says, propping his head up with his elbow as if he were Gene Wilder about the guide a herd of sinful children through a candy factory.

“It is quite the crowd I suppose-“

“Yeah, yeah. Hey um, I baked some of these for you.”

He holds a plate of rounded baked goods beneath her nose.

“Bath buns!” Exclaims Elizabeth, looking amused.

“Yeah, I hear these are big back in your time. I had to ask Chef Hatchet for a recipe, he’s apparently really into period pieces. Then when I did, I was still confused, because apparently Bath isn’t just a like, like a tub, it’s also a town in England, and that’s where these are from.”

“The town in Somerset was named for its Roman baths, so you have some right to your confusion.”

“Yeah, crazy. Learn something new every day. Anyways what’d you bake?”

Her eyes drifted down to the identical plate of sweet rolls that were already on display in front of her. Steve winces.

“Oh wow! Wow… same thing. How about that.?

“Nevertheless your attempt at flattery is appreciated.” She says diplomatically. “I am rather pleased you’ve taken renewed interest in me. We departed so hastily yesterday.”

Steve puts down the buns and exhales sharply.

“I’m just still… fingering out the whole different time period thing. Didn’t mean to offend you, and I never do. You need to stay friends because your papa doesn’t like you dancing with poor guys? That’s cool okay? We’re cool.”

Elizabeth smiles. “My papa wouldn’t have any issue with us dancing.”

Steve’s voice cracks. “Really?” He clears his throat. “I mean… yeah?”

“My time is as fond of balls and dancing as yours is with exposed ankles and sailor talk. I’d be very happy to dance with you if that’s what you’ve been so shy about these past few days.”

Steve stares at her.

“Excuse me one sec…”

He turns away from her, disappearing into a crowd of NPCs and silently but emphatically celebrates before rejoining her.

“Yeah. That’d be cool,” He agrees.

She smiles again. “Cool.” 

Things are far less optimistic between Jack and Penny.

“What do you mean they don’t want us talking to each other!?” Penny huffs.

“Katara’s really mad we didn’t tell her about the masked man,” Jack says miserably, as a jock with the head of a cockatoo hands him some coins in exchange for a slice of shoofly pie. “…Even if she thinks we made them up.”

“Made it up, really now, the rotters…” She grumbles. “Suppose we’ll just have to be twice as sneaky with our research now.”

“Maybe it’s best if we listen to them.”

Penny gasps. “You’re joking!”

“Everyone got upset because we weren’t being honest. No more, from now on I’m going back to by the book,” Says Jack. The boy looks like he’s made up his mind on the matter.

“What about the masked stranger then?” Penny demands. Jack simply shrugs.

“I’m not sure, it’s been a week, and no one’s seen anything of it. No proof.” He hesitates. “Maybe, we just made it up after all.”

“Students may I have your attention please!” Peach calls from the centre of the room. Everyone’s attention drifts to the temporary host.

“Thank you everyone for participating in our bake sale.”

“…Even if you were forced to,” Peter adds.

“I’m sure even if it’s all just make-believe, our local sports team appreciates the extra coins you’ve raised.”

“AWWK STAR QUARTERBACK VULTUREMAN CONCURS!!!! WE’RE GOING ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR SCRAW!”

“Yes, thank you Vultureman,” Peach says pleasantly. “I know things haven’t been always as peaceful as they should be. It takes time to be used to so many new faces, but It makes my heart very happy to see that most of you have become good friends.”

She sighs happily. Casting an approving glance to Zelda, who’s sharing a stall with the Ordinal Girls.

“I almost wish we could go on playing together like this forever. But I have some good news to share. Our regular hosts have reached their destination at last, and with any luck should be home soon, being that the day after tomorrow we’ll at last be able to have our happy homecoming celebration!”

The robotic students cheer, as do some of the more optimistic contestants.

“Thank you again to all of you who’ve been on your best behaviour.”

Something groans from above them. Peter looks up and gasps.

“SCRAM!”

Suddenly he shoves Peach, Daisy and Entrapta out of the way, the other staff scatter.

The school’s overhead scoreboard suddenly comes crashing down onto the spot they’d just been standing. Several people scream.

“RODNEY!”

A voice booms across the gym. Squirrel looks pale, as do Jack and Penny.

The lights go out.

In a burst of red smoke, there appears for all to see The Masked figure, shroud in its billowing black cloak atop the wreckage of the scoreboard.

“Trespassers!” Thunders the figure. “Who gave you the right to stand here in my domain!? Bringing evil into my lair!!”

“I don’t understand,” Peach says trembling.

“This guy a friend of yours?” Peter asks.

“None I’ve heard of,” Daisy says.

“That’s all I need to hear. Kill ‘em Drax!”

“Commence killing!”

Drax pulls out his knives and with a war cry charges the figure. With a flip of their cloak they vanish, and Drax goes sailing into a table full of pies.

The figure reappears atop the bleachers laughing coldly.

“Foolish interlopers! I am the master of this place!”

“Who are you?” Rosalina demands.

“What do you want?” Peach asks, trying to recover her courage.

“I want all of you OUT!” Booms the figure. “Get out and take the poison with you!”

The crowd breaks into a murmur of shock

“What if we don’t feel like going!?” Katara asks.

Several people, Daisy, Fry, Miko, Tenpenny all add their agreement.

“I’ve already warned some of you before!” The figure booms. “You’ve got two days. Forty-eight hours exactly! If you’re not gone by then…”

They brandish their sword.

“You deal with me!”

“Bitch, please! We can take you!” Tenpenny boasts.

“This group doesn’t bend to threats!” Bruce Wayne says.

More boasts join them. They hear the figure snarl.

“You there!”

They gesture with their sword towards Peach. Daisy and Rosalina instinctually step in front of her.

“Control your little students!”

Peach seems to compose herself fully.

“I’m afraid I’ll be taking their side in this debate.” She says measuredly. “A good host protects her contestants.”

“Listen, Princess!” The figure’s mask of confidence seems to slip. “This isn’t a joke! You’re not safe! In two nights-“

“-In two nights, we will have our dance, and Rodney will make sure no little tricks of the house stop us.”

The figure simply stares for a moment. Then lets out a ghoulish cackle.

“So be it! See you the night after tomorrow! I’m sure it’ll be a night to remember. AHAHA!”

They throw down another smoke bomb and disappear. The gymnasium lights flicker back on.

The crowd immediately falls into rapid, frantic conversation, only the preprogrammed NPCs carry on with their bake sale. The real contestants however gather around the staff and all begin peppering them with questions. In the confession, Penny locks eyes with Jack and they slink away into the halls.

“Still they we made them up Jack!?” Penny demands.

Jack ignores her, running his hands through his hair.

“Oh man… oh man, oh man, oh man. This is our fault for not telling anyone! We should have been focused on them, we should have prepared people.”

“No point worrying about what we should’ve done now!” She says gripping his shoulders. “Focus on figuring out how we’re going to stop them!”

A cloud of smoke erupts before them. There stands the figure.

“I’m not the one you need to stop.” Says they.

Penny and Jack give a cry of terror and make to flee. The figure grabs both of them by their collars.

The two children talk rapidly over one another.

“Don’t hurt us!”

“We didn’t mean to!”

“We didn’t know!”

The stranger knocks both of their heads together and Penny and Jack wince in pain.

“Listen.” It hisses. “I owe you two for leading me to all this, and now I’m going to repay the favour.”

“Does that mean you’re not going to kill us?” Penny wagers.

“No. Let me show you what will.”

…

So terribly far from them beyond the wall of the Rodney House in a distant part of the Cluster, there stands a version of the London, the date 1999.

Sheets of rain drench the night beyond the tall windows of a sparse office in a grand 19^th century estate.

At the desk in the centre of the room waits a young woman, dressed handsomely in a red suit and with her long platinum blonde hair hanging down to her waist.

At the great oak doors, a butler materializes, old and thin with his black hair slicked back.

“Our guests have arrived Sir.”

“Thank you, Walter, see them in.” Says the woman.

The butler bows and returns a moment later with Chris and Conner.

“Gentlemen I present to you Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing of Her Majesty’s Hellsing Organization.”

“So nice to meet-“ Chris begins Integra cuts him off.

“So Alucard’s been with you two the whole time? I’ve been wondering what became of him. What sort of trouble is he causing you gentlemen?”

Chris stumbles a moment. “Who said anything about trouble?”

“You wouldn’t be here if everything was going to plan, would you?” She says, causally lighting a cigar.

“How many of you has he killed?”

“N-no one!” Chris says surprised. “We had him under control until Conner’s here pulled his little stunt.”

“We’ve been over this, it wasn’t my fault he decided to start aging backwards,” Conner says rolling his eyes.

Integra gives them a hard look.

“Aging backwards?”

“He’s gone back to being Count Dracula,” Conner explains. “Last we hear he thought he was back in the 16^th century.”

“…And he’s getting younger,” Chris adds.

Integra sits in contemplative silence for a moment.

“Who have you got babysitting him now?”

“A former contestant of Conner’s and her friends.”

“They’re screwed,” Integra says bluntly.

That catches both men off guard.

“Care to elaborate?” Conner says.

Integra slowly rises and turns to the window.

“The Hellsing family has been Alucard’s masters since my grandfather subdued him in the 1890s. Even when he is not by my side, he will obey my will. Past that point gentlemen, he was untamed, uncontrollable. There’ll be nothing to stop him killing who or what he pleases.”

“Y-Yeah, but he can still be stopped by the normal vampire stuff like crosses and garlic, right?” Chris asks.

Integra turns and through her round spectacles gives him a look as cold as iron.

“He’s more than a vampire, he is to them what they are to us. Even before my family got its hands on him, there was nothing in God’s domain as powerful as Alucard.”

“I might be able to stop him,” Conner says.

“Better men than you have failed,” Integra says.

“Slow down!” Chris says suddenly. “What are we talking about? We’ve been getting messages back that Alucard’s been calmer than ever. Plus, I mean…” He laughs unconvincingly. “Even if he wanted to try something he can’t because his memory keeps getting wiped right?”

Both Integra and Conner gaze at him silently.

“…Right?” Chris repeats.

…

In the back of a classroom, there’s a door left open in the midst of a caulk board. Open ajar, there’s what seems to be a corridor of polished obsidian beyond. That’s the first sign of trouble, Jack had never seen one left open unless someone was inside.

Beyond the door is a church crypt, lit by a thousand melting candles. Old pages and pieces of parchment hanging on the walls.

“Is this your lair?” Breathes Jack. The figure shakes its head and points its sword.

Seated at a desk a way away from the sarcophagus they’ve crouched behind, Count Dracula sits, humming old folk songs to himself merrily, busying himself with a letter.

He finished and with a sweep of his robes stood and exited, ignorant of their presence. They emerge from their hiding spot and examine his robes.

The Count’s created a conspiracy board of interconnected notes and parchments, strung together with threats. Hand-drawn maps of the school are overlayed with pictures of the cast and notes in both English and Latin.  

At the centre of it all a dagger was cast through a map of the school.

“You people think I’m a monster.” The Figure says. “The only Monster in my home is the one you people brought into it.”

Jack’s throat is suddenly dry.

They were right.

He’d been so focused on Flash, on the Figure on the House, he hadn’t been paying attention to the vampire. The Count seemed so harmless with his memory loss.

How wrong he was.

The Count had been writing notes to himself this whole time.

Planning to himself.

Planning for a feast.

Chapter Text

Homeschooled Part 3: Masquerade

…

"Last time on Total Drama!" Comes a voice from the shadows. "Let me make all this real simple! People came into my house and brought a monster with them they thought they had control over. Surprise! They didn't! Now it's my problem.

Rodney wasn't moving fast enough, so I had to step in and put on my own show to scare them straight. It didn't work, but it got their attention. Too bad Al's way ahead in planning, and the only ones taking me seriously enough to listen are the kids.

But who knows? Maybe they'll pull this off. Or maybe they won't and most of the house is above to meet a hideous end. Doesn't make a huge difference to me."

The Stranger steps into the light.

"…Whatever happens, it'll be a good show, and that's all you people care about, right?"

They let out a loud cackle and with a twirl of their cloak, disappear.

…

Rodney High's auditorium churns with uneasy voices as the principal steps onto stage and taps her microphone. The rest of the staff behind her.

"Settle down everyone. I'm sure we're all ever so excited for our Homecoming dance tomorrow."

Despite concerned faces in the crowd, Principal Princess Peach is her usual peachy self. Beaming down at them through her cat's eyeglasses, eighties perm and pink power suit, bubbly as a soda pop.

"What fun we're going to have, dancing and being happy. Perhaps even with a special one"

Elizabeth leans over her shoulder to smile at Steve, who grins back.

"…They'll be lovely sweets and things to eat..."

"Mention the theme I picked," Daisy whispers under her breath.

"…And Daisy's picked out a lovely Summer Beach theme for us."

"What about security?"

It's Bruce Wayne who rises to ask the question, unusual for the billionaire as all through the game he's been avoiding other people's attention.

"Wayne's got a point, Your Highness." Notes Captain Tenpenny. "What's our plan if say we have ourselves a gate crasher!?"

Peach laughs musically.

"I understand if we're still all worried about that little hiccup during our bake sale yesterday. But whoever that was, you needn't be scared of them. I promise you no matter what they said, they will not be interfering with our end-of-year celebrations."

"I know what you said, I'm asking how you going make that happen?" Tenpenny.

The door is thrown dramatically open.

All heads turn to the back of the room.

Alucard had been introduced to them as a tall clean-shaven man in a suit and red cloak, then he transformed into a teenage girl in a white suit. After that, he'd become aged and white-haired adored in black, Count Dracula just as Bram Stoker had described him, made flesh before their eyes.

Now at last here was the vampire's true form, his mortal form. A warlord of the Late medieval Carpathians, his hair wild and with a light beard and moustache, beneath a long straight nose and high cheekbones. He's older than Alucard but younger than Count, in his late forties perhaps. He's adorned in heavy dark plate armour, with a great sword as his helm and cloak around his neck.

"I see you are all stunted into respect," His accented voice calls into the silence. "This is good, it is a welcome worthy of a Voivode!"

Vlad Tepes grins hungrily, that grin that never changes no matter what form he takes.

"I have not been so happy to see a crowd since my Easter Banquet of 1459."

"Why Count, there you are! You mustn't go running off like that. We were in the middle of an assembly." Peach says.

"I overheard," Purrs the vampire. "I have a few words on the matter if you'll permit me, Your Majesty."

"Well, I suppose…"

Vlad's already climbed the stage and is pushing her away from her microphone.

"When a prince is brave and powerful, he can make peace reign as and when he wants. If, however, he has no powers, someone stronger than him will conquer his lands and rule at his pleasure. When I was still a man of flesh a blood and Voivode of my people not one man in all of Wallachia dared oppose my law. Across the Principality at every fountain stood drinking cups of silver, and not even the beggars dared steal them lest they face my wrath.

Tomorrow evening at your banquet place your faith in me oh friends and nothing shall harm you."

"You trying to say you want to be prom chaperone?"

"He can not be chaperone; I was already promised the privilege of disciplining the children." Sulks Drax, the Destroyer. "Also, Daisy will do some chaperoning as well, but she will be worse at the discipling."

"You wish!"

"I take no interest in piety affairs," Vlad says smoothly. "I shall be as tranquil as the stillness of death, yet should the foe you encountered yesterday make their presence known, I will delight in taking the feast of blood this ungodly curse of mine so desperately craves."

It's Penny Crayon's turn to rise. Trembling slightly.

"Who's to say you won't eat after that!?"

Vlad lets out an unpleasantly gleeful laugh.

"Do you really think so little of me?"

Their assembly adjourns soon after on a far more subdued note.

"So, Vlad the Impaler's gonna be working the door at homecoming," Steve says conversationally. "Didn't think I'd ever say that."

"I don't like the idea of Vlad and that stranger coming to blows," Bruce says.

"What's there to worry about Wayne?" Olivia asks with a laugh.

"I'm worried about becoming collateral damage."

"You need to have a little more faith in the staff. They haven't gotten us hurt yet."

"Listen to the doctor Wayne," Tenpenny says, confidently. "…Only thing that's got me worried is if they give that bloodsucker some kind of secret reward for completing that part of the challenge."

"You believe what happened yesterday was part of the challenge?" Zelda asks.

"Course it was? What else could it be?"

Zelda looks deeply troubled.

…

"Are you certain this is the wisest path forward?" Rosalina asks Peach. The staff now gathered in her principal's office.

"Everything is going perfectly peachy Rosie," Peach says confidently. "Conner and Mr. McLean said they'd be coming back soon, so as soon as The Count fends off our malfunctioning part of the house, we'll have our Alucard back and everything will be right in the world."

"I beg your pardon Princess? What do you mean by malfunction?" Rodney asks hesitantly.

"After what happened yesterday, Rosie told me we've been having some trouble with the House."

"Did she?"

"Yes, and don't worry, I understand why you didn't want to tell me, but it's alright. I trust you'll be able to fix it. Before our theatrical friend makes another appearance."

The squirrel looks very surprised.

"You mean our guest yesterday? You understand?"

"Of course!" Peach laughs. "Really Rodney, you're ever so hard on yourself. I understand completely. It was quite the shock to see them, but once it was over everything was fine. Just so long as we don't see them at our Homecoming Ball."

Rodney looks down thoughtfully, a sense of relief seems to wash over the squirrel, then he looks up and meets her eye determinedly.

"Your Highness, you are my guest. If you desire it, I shall make it so. Regardless of whether she's willing to listen."

…

Vlad Tepes strolls the halls of the school, whistling an old Transylvanian folk tune John Hunyadi once taught him one night on the road to Brasov.

Ah, Brasov. What fun he'd had there in his mortal life. If only he'd drunk blood at the time. How richly it flowed from the peasant folk.

A locker flies open, interrupting his thoughts. Penny Crayon's flown out of it. Bundle of garlic in hand.

"Hand where I can see them Count! I'm onto you!"

"Ah yes, Miss Crayon! I was wondering when we'd get the chance to speak. I was so disappointed when you and your friends did not think to greet me on your little visit to my lair last night."

"That's right we found-wait! You knew we were there?"

Vlad laughs.

"I know everything that happens around me. My unholy senses are how you say in the English tongue? So much more enhanced than your own."

Penny's own English tongue stumbles over what to say to that.

"Yes, then well, you admit that you've been plotting against us then! Take this!"

She throws a clove at him. He catches it and crushes it in his hand.

"I'm afraid that doesn't work," He says with a grin.

"Then we'll find another way to stop you!"

Vlad laughs.

"You think that so? Let me explain something to you, girl. I am going to do whatever I please tomorrow. Perhaps I will only slay this intruder that's bothering you, perhaps I will take a few others as payment for my service. Perhaps I shall feast on every last one of you for denying me any blood while I've been here.

Or perhaps indeed I won't kill anything and only tell this to make you soil yourself. HA HA!

We'll all just have to see what happens tomorrow, won't we? Just know this, whatever my will is, I will do it, and it'd take more than scared children to stand in my way."

"Me and Jack aren't scared of you!"

"Really?" Vlad asks sweetly.

He leaned down to meet her at eye level. His fangs stinking of rot and metal. "…Then why isn't your friend here with you now?"

…

Jack hadn't been at school all day, sick apparently, or at least that's what he was telling the staff.

Penny distressingly seemed to be the only one openly concerned about either Jack or the fact that Vlad the Impaler was going to be one of their chaperones. Everyone else's mind seemed to be on the dance.

After school let's out the mall bustles with students.

"Do you have a date picked out yet Zelda?" Katara asks. Zelda blushes, she's still hanging about the Ordinal Girls. Katara had confided to Peach about their adventures in the other parts of the house, all fortunately had been forgiven and now that the affair with the stranger was all being handled by the staff, the girl's minds were free to indulge in the usual pleasures of teenagers.

Zelda blushes modestly.

"Yes, well, I would… but I admit I've someone picked out already back home."

"That's alright. I do too." Katara says. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind about tonight though. It's all pretend."

"Yeah, no offence but If this was for real, I wouldn't be dancing at my real prom with a kid looking like that," Miko says.

She gestures out the window, where a group of rodent-headed classmates are waving to the ladies, clearly infatuated.

Elsewhere in the mall. Some of the Supertask women comb through a dress shop.

"Doctor Octavius, you are familiar with this time period, aren't you?" Elizabeth asks, holding up a poufy eighties prom dress, the hem of which well above the knees.

"I've dabbled." The scientist says causally. "Don't worry about that one. They've got outfits with much longer skirts than that. Wouldn't seem like it to you dear but the 80s were a pretty conservative decade."

She starts to root through a display.

"I'm sure they've got something in here that appeals to your 1810s sensibilities."

Elizabeth nudges her hand away from the display gently.

"You needn't worry about that. I've been thinking, perhaps it'd be agreeable to break with tradition."

…

A fake sun lowers, sets, then rises again to make its way across an equally fake sky.

Final exams are written in the morning, Jack once again, doesn't attend. The rest of the cast busy themselves with hairspray, velvet and bowties.

By the time the fake sun begins to set on their final day of the challenge, theirs a buzz in the air and spring in the contestant's steps.

The bell rings at Katara's house.

"Prom night!" Fry says merrily when she opens the door. He's dressed in a tux.

"You're not my date," She laughs.

"No, I'm your driver," He says, gesturing behind him to the limo parked on the street.

There's a thudding of footsteps coming downstairs. Miko, Meg and Zelda appear behind Katara. Each of them in their flashy homecoming dresses. Katara's is a mermaid cut in indigo, Zelda's a princess cut and azure. Meg has on something pastel, pink and poufy, while Miko's wearing neon purple and pink in a short, flashy cut.

"Dang, sweet ride Captain."

"Quill hooked me up, wanted to do something nice for the team. Hop in."

Several of them inhale sharply once they enter the car.

"Hey losers, who's excited for prom?" Asks a jovial Wallace Wells, lounging on an extended seat with two robot classmates on his lap. Sitting as far away from him as possible is a very grumpy Shego.

"What's she doing here?" Katara asks stiffly.

"I know there was some fighting earlier, but this is supposed to be a fun night, and I thought maybe we could all agree to get along as a team. Okay?" Fry asks.

Katara inhales, then exhales.

"Fine."

"I am under orders from our temporary host to "Get along with others." Under threat of eviction." Shego reports bitterly. Her dress, bold, punk and gothic like her normal school outfit had been.

They slide into the car and get moving.

"Where's your dates ladies?" Wallace asked.

"They're meeting us there," Katara says. "Mine's not much in the way of personality, but it might be fun to dance with him."

"I couldn't get a date." Meg mopes. "I asked Kenny Hyena yesterday and he threw up at my feet."

"Isn't that like how hyenas show affection?" Miko says.

"Is it?" Meg asks.

"Mister Fry, it's very kind of you to escort us," Zelda says.

"No problem," Fry says chipperly from the driver's seat. Then he blinks. "Uh, have you always been on my team?"

"Zelda's a friend of ours," Katara says, putting an arm around the Princess. "Just friends, we're not trying to do anything underhanded like form an alliance with people on the other team."

Shego mutters something under her breath.

"Last stop before the dance!" Fry calls.

The limo comes to a halt in front of a house with dark windows.

"Is that Jack's house?" Miko asks squinting out the window.

"Vultureman said he had his own transport, and Alucard's going through some stuff," Fry says.

"I thought Jack was sick though?" Meg asks.

"Was he? Damn… Welp. Maybe we'll see if he's feeling better."

Katara gives the dark house a look of disproval. "I don't know. Even if he isn't sick, I don't think he deserves a reward after tricking us all week."

"Katara, perhaps we could show him some mercy. As your captain says it is a special occasion." Zelda says.

Her friend looks thoughtful.

"Maybe it couldn't hurt to check up on him."

She, Zelda, and Fry stroll up to the front porch. Fry knocks.

"Hel-lo! Jack!? It's your captain? Are you coming to prom?"

"Do you think he's home?" Katara asks.

Fry rings the door. There's a sharp whistle as several wooden stakes fly out of the mail slot. The three ducking to the side.

"Go away!" Cries a voice from inside.

"Jack! It's us!" Katara shouts.

There're the sounds of several locks unlatching. The door opens a crack.

"Show me your necks."

Mildly confused, they obey. Jack breathes a sigh of relief.

"No bite marks… good…"

He opens the door and ushers them inside.

"Is everything alright?" Katara asks, pausing to take in the boy.

"No, things aren't alright! Things are bad. Very, very bad."

He pauses to remove his glasses and polish them. There're dark bags under his eyes.

"Have you been sleeping?" Fry asks.

"Not for the last two nights."

They notice Penny Crayon, sitting on top a box of books. The seal of the school library stamped on them.

"I've been up reading for two days now. I was so dumb, worrying about strangers and strange doors…" Jack says pacing the kitchen. "Of course, Alucard was always the danger. When have you ever read a book with a good vampire?" He holds up a dusty old hardcover. "…Especially Dracula?"

"Jack calm down." Katara insists. "Alucard's a huge jerk but he's been tame all game. What makes you think this new version of him will actually hurt anyone?"

"Because he as good as told me yesterday he did!" Penny exclaims.

"…and me and Penny are going to stop him!"

"What?" The other three exclaim.

"It doesn't matter if you don't believe in us!" Jack says earnestly. "We have to do this!"

Katara felt her temper flare.

"Jack, you can't do this!"

"Yes, I can!" He says. He swallows, summoning courage. "But it'd be easier with your help."

Katara makes to reply. Zelda speaks first.

"Why aren't you worried about the stranger? Isn't Alucard supposed to be protecting us from them?"

"You've got the wrong way around. They were trying to warn us about Alucard!" Penny says. "Get out and take the poison with you." Don't you get it? They were mad Chris brought something as dangerous as Alucard into the house! And the rotten bloodsucker's got plans to make a banquet out of tonight's homecoming!"

Zelda turns to Katara and says quietly.

"I believe them."

Katara's expression is stern. "Well, if Alucard is dangerous, you two kids are the last people who should be dealing with this."

"No, we aren't," Jack says.

"Yes, you are."

"We're not much younger than you. What about your friend?"

"We-th-that's different and you know it! Aang is The Avatar. We saved the world together. He could handle himself in danger."

"So can I!" Jack insists. "You think I'm just a little kid, but I've done so much! All the things me and Annie have done for Morgan Le Fay, we've travelled all around time and space, we've been to the Cretaceous, The Ice Age, Ancient Egypt, The Moon!" He's listing examples on his fingers now. "…Fought in the Revolutionary War, The Civil War, World War II, survived the eruption of Mount Vesuvius at Pompeii, The 1900 Galveston Hurricane, the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, the Titanic, Bushfires in the Outback, Tornados in the Great Plains, tsunamis in ancient Hawai'i, The Sichuan Earthquake in 2008 which is in the still future for us, it's early nineties back in Pennsylvania. I'm friends with Abe Lincoln, Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare, Alexander the Great, Da Vinci, Mozart, Dickins, Darwin, Edison, Lous Armstrong, Jackie Robertson, George Washington! I've fought Raven Kings, and Ice Wizards and Sea Serpents and evil sorcerers. I'm from the world most of these people know Katara. I have been all these places, seen all these people, some of them really bad. Even if I don't have Annie by my side this time, I have Penny, and I don't need you treating me like a baby."

"I don't treat you like a baby I'm worried about your safety!"

"You're not my mom!"

Katara goes silent.

"We need your help," Jack says much more softly. "We you need to trust us, as equals."

Katara looks to Zelda, then back to the Jack.

"I-"

"She's not helping you," Fry says.

Katara looks up.

"What?"

"Jack, Katara might not be in charge of you, but I am, and I say none of you kids are fighting Alucard."

The others break into protest.

"Captain's orders!" Fry barks. "I'm the leader around here, and I know I'm real crummy at it at times, just like I'm crummy at a lot of stuff. But I'd be even more crummy if I let you run off and get yourselves killed."

Katara shifts her position, hiding one of her arms from him. "Fry, could we talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about it. I thought Al was just a lovable scamp like my buddy Bender, but if he's a real danger then I'm the one that brought him onto this team, and if anyone's neck is going to be risked stopping him, it'll be mine."

"That's very noble Fry," Katara says. The captain's expression brightens.

"Gee, thanks. You think so?"

"Hopefully you'll forgive us for this."

A water pipe behind Fry explodes. He screams, then just as quickly goes silent. Katara's frozen him in a block of ice.

The others understandably are shocked.

"Gosh! You don't see that every day!" Penny exclaims. "Think he'll be alright?"

"If he survived being frozen for a thousand years, I'm sure a few more hours will be fine," Katara says. She turns to Jack, an almost apologetic look in her eyes.

"How do we stop Alucard?"

Jack smiles back.

"It won't be easy," Penny admits. "Looks like he's immune to most of the usual vampire weaknesses." She grins. "Fortunately, we think we know one way to cut him down a peg, and your powers are going to be very useful."

…

The halls of Rodney Hall are dark and quiet, though as Elizabeth makes her way to the gym there's a great sense of merriment in the air, one that reminds her of the dances back home.

"Elizabeth! Wow! You really cleaned up!" Daisy says greeting her at the door.

Elizabeth smiles warmly. She's dressed in a cream-coloured gown with a pencil skirt that only goes to her knees, a large bow on the back. Her hair permed. A pair of evening gloves and a string of pearls complete the look.

"Ah, Miss Bennet, I say, you look nearly as lovely as our fair princess this evening," Toadsworth says coming over. Vlad Tepes by his side

"Such a beautiful dress, for such a beautiful girl," Muses the vampire a little stiffly. There's something off in his glowing red eyes. Sinister even by his standards. Perhaps against her better judgement Elizabeth convinces herself it's a trick of the light.

"I had some assistance from Doctor Octavius. But most of it was my own research."

"Well, you've done very well indeed." Chortles the old toad. "At least I presume so. Being unfamiliar with the time period."

He gestures her into the gym and leans over to Daisy.

"Is that everyone?"

Daisy scratches her head with her pencil. "Still missing most of Fry's team."

"We're here!"

The Ordinals with Zelda and Penny in tow come rushing in.

"Sorry for being late. Fry was supposed to drive us but he um… caught Jack's cold last minute."

"He's real cold he sure is," Penny says. Katara gives her a warning look.

"Such a shame." Grins Vlad. "Fortunately, none of my other dear comrades caught cold feet."

His eyes bear down on Jack, who meets his gaze as they enter into the dance.

They're met with a plastic paradise of streamers, balloon arches and plywood props vaguely reminiscent of a beach. Long tables of punch, finger foods, and ice sculptures line the side of the room as animal classmates gyrate to the top dance hits of 1989.

"Students! Welcome to our little midwestern-style beach party!" Peter says. "Grab some grub hit the floor-"

"-and behave yourselves," Drax says, standing over Quill's shoulder. "…. Or else."

"Way to make 'em feel welcome Drax."

"Thank you."

"That was sarcasm Drax!"

"About what?"

"How unwelcoming you are."

"You speak of madness. No one in the galaxy is as welcoming as me."

He sets his eyes on a passing toad.

"HELLO COWORKER! ARE YOU WELL!?"

The toad squeals and flees in terror.

"…Nervous little creatures, aren't they?" Drax asks.

Peter shakes his head.

Wallace Well and his boy harem stroll over to the food table.

"Well, here we are at the big Homecoming dance."

"Look, Sam, seems we're not the only ones with a male prom date," Max says. The Lagomorph loitering about the table accompanied as always but his partner in crime. Or policing as it were.

"Evening boys. How's Homecoming treating you two?"

"It's real swell," Max says. "Nothing like a bunch of horny teenagers."

"A perfect caper to an extended high school simulation. What'd you think of it, little buddy?"

"It was an unending hellscape of bad fashion choices and hormones. Just like the real deal!"

"I'll say. Consider this officer, immersed."

"What? You guys didn't enjoy yourselves this week?" Wallace asks surprised. "I thought it was great. Can't say I've been paying attention to how things have been on your team, but those first couple of episodes with the Ordinals were stressful. This week of no Chris, no challenges and plenty of cute boy bots though? Gonna be pretty hard to give this up, but I'm feeling a lot better about this game."

He smiles to himself.

"I should threaten to quit more often."

"Well, me and Max here are just glad your lingering plot thread resolved itself in a way you take emotional satisfaction out of," Sam comments.

"We couldn't be prouder of ya," Max says.

Wallace raises an eyebrow.

"Remind me when you both became invested in my emotional growth?"

"We keep tabs on everyone's offscreen character development," Sam informs him.

"We're real nosy like that," Max says. "You should've seen the stuff Vultureman got up to this week."

Their attention turns to Wallace's avian teammate, currently busy chugging down the punchbowl at the vocal encouragement of his robot peers.

Elsewhere in the party, Rodney looks in better sights than he has for most of the week as he chats ideally with Entrapta and Olivia.

"I've hardly seen hide nor tail of either of you all week." Muses the doctor.

"Entrapta's been rather busy aiding me in my office."

"We've been scouring the house algorithms for a way to keep out any gate crashers interrupting this lovely evening."

"Unfortunately, we happen to be up against the one individual that would know my house better than even I would." Rodney bemoans.

"Good thing we've got Alucard!" Entrapta says brightly.

"I'm glad you have so much faith in him-" Olivia looks up suddenly. "Oh Elizabeth, that outfit came out beautifully."

"Thank you," Elizabeth says wandering over looking distracted. "I don't suppose either of you have seen my dance partner?"

"Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth turns and lets out a cry of great surprise.

"Steve!"

Steve's just emerged from the crowd looking as if he'd just come back from fighting the Continental Army. He's wearing a fetching redcoat, khaki pants and black boots, even his hair's been given the same look she'd expect to see on a military man loitering around Meryton back in 1813.

His gaze falls on her and at once he seems just as surprised as she.

"What are you wearing!?"

"What are you wearing?"

"I remember you said you liked officers so I reached out to Tenpenny and some of the guys and we got an outfit together, but I thought you'd be wearing something 19th century!?"

"I thought for certain you'd be wearing something from the 20th."

"I didn't think you'd go for a perm!"

"Nor did ever expect to see you in a waistcoat."

"Neither did I man!"

They stare at one another for a split second, then both begin laughing.

"You make for a rather handsome redcoat Steve."

"Thanks, you could sing backup for Madonna in that dress."

Elizabeth sighs and pulls at her hemp.

"My family would go on eternally if they ever heard of this."

"You think that's bad? I'm dressed as one of the bad guys from my grade school history books. Thinks people do for love."

He looks stricken, then clears his throat.

"I mean… do you want to dance or…?"

"I'd love to."

Peach leans against the back wall of the gym, behind the refreshment table, watching her students start to sway as the lights dim and the music slows.

She's tired, but satisfied, listening idly as some of the other staff members chat amongst themselves. Peter stands next to her, drinking some alien cocktail from a red plastic cup.

"When are we going to unveil the old homecoming royalty."

"Soon." She says. "… Conner and Chris will be back in a few hours, and everything will be as they were again, without trouble."

"Everything considered this week actually went pretty well."

"Why thank you, Peter! I'm very pleased with how it's gone. I think I make for a very good host indeed."

Peter chuckles.

"Considering how tame your challenge is, you'd probably be considered a terrible host by the studio. But when's that ever mattered? You did something nice for the cast, I'm sure they appreciate it."

"I'm glad. More than anything I wish them all to leave this place with happier memories. Even more so than I left with coming from Endless."

Peter gives her a grin.

"Feels like a lifetime ago doesn't it?"

"It does."

"I remember, first day I showed up on Conner's ship for intern duty, you and your team were up in the staff quarters for a reward or something. I caught eye of you and was just… so, ridiculously excited to meet you in person. Then you walked up and completely blew past me. Turns out you were just grabbing another piece of cake."

"What? Oh, Peter, I'm terribly sorry."

"Ah don't beat yourself up, you were still cursed or hypnotized or whatever was going with you those first couple episodes."

"Oh, yes. Of course," Peach says.

She lapses into silence. Her face shaped by something melancholic.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine," She says distractedly.

Peter looks up, registering the slow song playing over the gym.

"Time After Time,"

"What did you say?"

"… by Cyndi Lauper," Peter says. "Classic slow dance song. You've heard it before?"

"I-I'm not sure," Peach says foggily.

"Here, dance with me," Peter offers.

"What?" Peach laughs.

"Doesn't have to mean anything," He insists. "I've got sparks with Gamora, and obviously there's you and Mario."

"Yes of course… Mario…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," She smiles. "I'd love to dance."

Couples rock back in forth together as under a disco ball.

"It truly is a respectable uniform, Steve," Elizabeth says "Even the cuffs are in proper order."

"Yeah, I sort of busted my ass on this," He admits. "Think I could pass as a gentleman back in Herefordshire."

"Not for a moment," Elizabeth sighs and allows her head to rest against his shoulder. "But that's never been what I admire about you, Steve."

Time After Time slowly fades into Take My Breath Away from Berlin as they twirl.

"What do you like about me then?"

"In my place and time, people are raised in such a way to follow certain etiquettes. Every action with others is carefully coordinated and it all becomes so dreadfully shallow.

But you and your time Steve, you speak in such vulgar ways, and I shouldn't approve by you are honest and direct with your words, you speak to your true emotions with no pride nor prejudice and quite truthfully, I love that about you Steve Harrington."

"Elizabeth, I mean I appreciate it, but everyone's like that in the future."

Elizabeth bites her lip. "Perhaps I could stand to be more direct with my emotions."

She leans forward and kisses him.

A little way away. Peter Quill catches a glimpse of the two of them and nudges Peach.

"There's something that never happened in Endless."

Peach gives a very happy sigh.

"There's nothing in the world quite like love. Though I hope the others are enjoying themselves."

She can't help but notice that most of the other contestants have either taken a robotic dance mate or have avoided the centre of the room. Some of the younger Ordinals seem to be vaguely distracted.

"I'm sure everyone's having a good time."

Peter gives her a good-natured smile.

"You're a good principal Toadstool. Come a hell of a long way from the damsel you were when I met you. Real glad you're doing so well for yourself since Endless."

She returns his smile warmly.

"I'm living in my own happily ever after, what more could I princess ask for?"

…

The night's drawing to a close. The slow songs end and the pulsing techno of L. A Style's James Brown is Dead comes thumping out of the DJ's setup, causing an argument between Peter Quill and the Toad managing it about 1990s songs slipping into their 80s prom mix.

Steve and Elizabeth, hand in hand retreat from the gym for some air.

Steve lowers himself down onto a bench in the hallway, pulls a handkerchief from his coat pocket and dabs at a glistening forehead. Both of them glowing breathlessly.

"I can't believe I told my old English teacher I'd never get anything out of classic literature."

Elizabeth laughs.

"What?"

"Nothing," Steve says.

They stay silent for a moment to do, hearts beating with haste. As they sit there, waiting to catch their breath. Steve watches as heavy emotion fades from Elizabeth, and thoughts begin to make themselves known in her mind.

"What happened in there? Maybe it'd be nice if it wasn't a one-time thing." He says.

"I agree, however, there would be complications…"

"Yeah, I get that. It'd be kind of a deal to introduce you to my parents and probably worse on your end. But what if we just pretended for a while, and enjoyed ourselves? We can worry about the hard stuff when the game's over. That cool?"

She nods.

"I'd be very happy under those circumstances."

"Cool. I'll be back in a sec, I'm gonna grab us some water before we head back in there."

He kisses her on the cheek, then takes off, beaming.

Elizabeth waits there, blissful and alone with her own radiance. Beyond her warmth, the hallway is dark and cold. The only light spilling from the windows and the fake moonlight beyond, there's an odd shimmering in those moonbeams, not that she's aware of them.

Elizabeth Bennet, raptured by love, pays little attention to her surroundings, as a silver fog creeps into the room and begins to manifest behind her.

She shivers. Gooseflesh across her arms, and an odd sensation prickling at the back of her neck.

A cry from Steve alerts her. She spots him, having just re-entered the room, gaping up at something, face white with horror.

She turns and screams as well.

There looming above her in the vampire, burning red eyes alive with ravenous delight, fanged jaws extending.

Something strikes him in the brow, the monster recoils hissing furiously as a tiny wooden crucifix falls to the ground.

Elizabeth bounds out of her seat intending to run. Vlad Dracula's long fingers wrap their way around her neck.

"Not a step closer!" Booms the monster.

Penny and Jack emerge from the shadows. Hands filled with little wooden crosses.

Tepes, Dracula, Alucard, whatever persona the demon occupied begins to cackle viciously. There'd always been something inhuman in his expressions, in his tone, but now the mask had slipped off entirely and was now nothing remotely reminiscent of a man in the voice of the vampire.

"Always so terrible to see children marching into their own death."

"Oy! You don't scare us you overgrown bat!" Penny shouts. "You want us so bad? Come get us!"

"The offer's appreciated but I already have my main course right here." His fingers tighten around Elizabeth.

"What's the matter? Are you scared?" Jack asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Your childish games will not work."

"He might be right Jack. He's just too full of himself to pay us any attention. Same thing that made him such a lousy Voivode."

"Yup, you know Penny, I think Wallachia was much better under his brother Radu."

"Oh, I agree, allying with the Ottomans was the right move for sure. Really the natural state of House Dracula is to be subservient to them when you think about it."

"WHAT!?"

Vlad Dracula drops Elizabeth and turns to them. Red eyes blazing, a dozen more open on his body as it begins to contort inhumanly.

"I think that's done the trick," Penny says.

"Yup!" Jack says faintly.

They dive out of the way as the monster lunges towards them, missing them by a hair and crashing into a pillar, collapsing into a wringing mass of black iridescent blood.

"KIDS! What are you doing!?" Steve yelps.

"Go and warn the rest of our lot!" Penny says.

"We'll take care of this." Jack insists. "Alucard if you want us, you'll have to catch us!"

Penny takes out her magic crayon, hastily draws them a scooter and they take off down the hall. Dracula resolves himself into the form of a great black many-eyed wolf and goes bounding after them.

Steve rushes to his newly minted girlfriend and pulls her off the ground, Elizabeth still deadly pale with shock.

"Are you hurt? No? Okay, you heard them, we gotta move."

"But the children…" Elizabeth says faintly.

"They'll be fine, kids fight monsters like that all the time back in Hawkins." Steve insists, sounding only mildly sure of himself.

"But Steve-"

"Let's go! Move!"
…

The wolf crashes through the hall after Jack and Penny, Nails tearing linoleum tiling up from the very concrete foundation of the school.

"Must go faster…" Jack says. Staring behind them into the jaws of the beast. "Must go faster, must go faster."

"Give me a break I've been drawing as many extra gears as I can," Penny says.

They take a corner tightly and go skidding off the scooter. Alucard hits it as well, and the corner explodes in a cloud of drywall and plaster.

They see him lumber out of it, back in the form of Vlad Tepes and breathing savagely.

"If you think I'm above killing children you're about to be horribly disappointed!" He snarls at them. "For old time's sake, I'm going to enjoy shoving a wooden stake through your asses and pulling it out your insufferable mouths. Then maybe after a few days, I'll let you have the mercy of devoured."

"Real charming this guy is Jack!" Penny comments loudly. "This is why the Balkans were better off under the Turks."

Alucard bears his fangs and begins lumbering towards them, corpselike in posture. His broadsword dragging behind him like a great wood club.

"Think we've made him mad enough?" Penny whispers.

"We need to tire him out if this is going to work," Jack says, trying not to tremble. He's terrifying, no denying it, but it doesn't matter. He's been scared before plenty of times. What worse could Dracula do to him that a Tyrannosaurus Rex or the Dragon King of Ancient China couldn't?

"A lot worse." Answers his mind unhelpfully.

"What would you know of my homeland?" Alucard growls. "Neither of you know the struggles I endeared to preserve my people. To avenge my past! To serve my god! And he turned his back on me! So I abandoned the Christian Lord and pledged my soul to darkness! Even God in heaven looks down upon my power and despairs!"

"…And you still couldn't kick the Ottoman Empire out of Europe," Jack says.

"SHUT UP!"

"It's all written down!" Jack says, pulling a history book out of his bag and waving it at him. "You didn't kick your brother off the throne. You didn't behead the Sultan like you wanted to…"

"You would have wanted to as well if you had grown up with him!"

"…All this talk about you being mighty and brave, but you didn't do anything for anyone besides prey on them after becoming a vampire, and before that when you were alive you did awful things to your own people."

"LIES!" Roars Alucard, froth spilling from his ghoulish jaw. "I was a hero!"

"You're wrong. I've met heroes, they don't hurt people in the way you do."

"Why don't you look me in the eye and say that!?"

Both Jack and Penny avert their gaze. Reading Bram Stoker had already taught them Alucard could hypnotize people if he chose to, and they weren't about to fall for it themselves.

Alucard's body seems to spasm.

"You brats and your miserable book. Talking like you know anything about my people or my past or even my traitorous Turk-fucking brother!"

His eyes blaze suddenly.

"You wish to know my world so desperately. Let me show you! The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame!"

They're a low rumbling as Alucard spreads his arms, body warping dangerously.

"That's enough!" Jack says. "Back on the scooter!"

They take off just as hundreds of human forms begin erupting out of him, dozens upon dozens of bodies rolling over the hall like a torrent of gore. Wallachian peasants and Saxon boyars, Ottoman Janissaries and Magyar horsemen, with their hellish stallions. their mouths agape, their eyes vacant. All those of which Alucard had feasted on in his first years of vampirism returning as hellish ghouls to serve their master. Alucard all the while roaring with demonic laughter.

"Look upon your fate and weep! You think you can insult me and my honour!? This will be your destiny! You're soul my slave for all time! Who holds the power now!?"

"Still us!"

He turns, and finds Jack and Penny behind him, now joined by Katara and Zelda, the latter oddly holding a wastebasket filled with paper.

All four of them scared.

All four of them together.

All four of them defiant before the beast.

"So, this is the real you," Katara says. "All this time I was really hoping you were just a jerk, but I knew there was something evil in you."

Alucard laughs again. Katara's hands ball into fists.

"I hoped more than anything you wouldn't be a danger to my friends. But since you are, I have to be honest, I'm really excited to be the one to take you down."

"So much foolish confidence from such a worthless bitch!" Sneers Alucard. "My power is without limit!"

"Oh, is it?" Katara asks. "Then tell me, Al, I know your memories are a little foggy but remind me, if you're all-powerful, why did you bail on our first team challenge so quickly? You know around when the sprinklers came on? Or do anything in episode six when we were on that out-of-control yacht."

"Don't waste my time with things I can't recollect."

"Fine, just one question then? How come you've been so eager to avoid swim class?"

Zelda strikes a match and drops into the wastebasket. The paper within catches a light and begins to burn.

The school's fire bell rings, the sprinkler system triggers. The moment the water touches Alucard he howls. His army of ghouls moans.

Now it's Katara's turn to grin.

"This whole time the one thing that makes you weak has been my element!"

Alucard bares his fangs then snarls at his ghouls.

"Don't just stand there! Kill the others!"

His undead army marches off towards the gym.

"You heard him! Jack! Penny! Cut them off!" Katara shouts. She waves her hand collecting falling water into a blade of ice.

"Alucard's mine!"
…

Just as Peach is readying the students for their award ceremony Steve and Elizabeth return to the gymnasium, slamming the doors behind them. Both pale, shaken and breathing with great labour.

"Need your inhaler dork?" Quips one of the machines. Steve shoves it away from him.

"Everyone needs to get out of here NOW!"

That's enough to draw the attention of the staff.

"What's the matter with you two?" Peter asks. "Is it the stranger?"

"It can't be, that friendly vampiric creature is protecting us." Drax insists.

"The danger is the Vampire!" Elizabeth exclaims.

"Alucard tried to kill us!" Steve says.

"What!?" Peach shouts rushing over to them.

"That can't be! There must be some misunderstanding."

"He had those fangs of his around my neck!" Counters Elizabeth angrily.

Tenpenny appears from the crowd, eyes lit up with anger, his gaze sweeps over Elizabeth's neck, checking it for damage.

"Where's he now?" The betrayal back in his tone, the same that had been there the night Herlock had gone home.

"The kids are holding him off," Steve says.

"Which kid?" Peach asks, growing pale herself.

"Jack and Penny!"

"They're gonna get themselves killed!" Bruce cries.

"Hold up! Katara and Zelda aren't here either!" Miko calls out.

As if to punctuate the remark, the fire alarm comes screaming to life as the sprinkles begin raining down on them.

There comes a great monstrous roar, like no best nor man could make with mortal lungs. Malise pouring over the crowd like the water above.

"What'd do!?" Meg cries.

"You will all taken somewhere safe," Rosalina says.

"Yes, that's exceedingly wise!" Rodney says fretfully. "Everyone myself and Chef Hatchet, and we'll be escorting you to my office until this can be resolved."

"What about the kids?" Bruce asks.

"We'll protect them," Peter says.

"That's right listen to your superiorities!" Chef barks, and the present contestants, some with incredible hesitancy, follow him and Rodney out the door. Some of the toads leaving with them, others standing by their Princess."

Peter pulls a blaster from his belt and cocks it.

"Good news Drax, looks like we get to fight Dracula after all."

"YES!"

"The Little ones?" Rosalina says apprehensively. "Will there still be time?"

"We'll save 'em right Peach!" Daisy cries bracingly. "…Uh Peach?"

Peach has gone rigid with shock. Her eyes wide and distant, as if she could see Alucard attacking the creature as they spoke. She with her golden locks and sweet voice so much like Lucy Westenra before her, withering before the cruelty Vlad Tepes had wrought in his unlife, so potent that even Hell rejected it.

A laugh echoes from somewhere above them.

Several pairs of eyes drift up to find a hooked carnival mask staring down from high above.

"Who could have seen this coming?"

The stranger comes somersaulting down from the lofty ceiling, landing cat-like in the midst of the crowd.

"Oh, that's right? I did! And you-"

They thrust their sword out at Peach.

"-Didn't believe me!"

"I don't understand," Croaks Peach feebly.

"Yeah. I got that part." Says the Stranger sardonically. "…I'm starting to think there's a lot of stuff you're not getting."

They unhook the latch of their billowing cloak and casts it aside, then a moment later the crooked mask, beneath it all the Stranger stands, a girl in her late teens, regally adored in the black and gold uniforms of 19th century Spanish nobility, complete with high boots, a blue sash around her waists and tasselled shoulder. A red cape cascading to her heels. Her hair in a tight ponytail. Her face obscured by a feathered tricorne and a golden masquerade mask she'd apparently been wearing under the larger beaked one.

She takes a few steps towards Peach. At once, Peter, Rosalina and Daisy stand between them.

"You got a problem!?" Daisy challenges.

"Butt out!" Shouts the Stranger. "This is between me and Peachy! You better be grateful those kids know how to handle themselves because it'll be on you if they get killed!"

Peach flinches as if she'd been struck.

"I swear, I didn't know-"

"-Oh you we're too self-absorbed to pay attention to anyone but yourself!? That it?"

"See here young lady!"

Toadworth, Toad, Toadette and several of their kinsfolk have joined the crowd standing before Peach.

"We toads shall not hear a word poor against our beloved Princess."

The strange girl laughs scornfully.

"Now you're hiding behind your little stooges? You guys realize she's the one that put you in danger, right?"

Daisy snarls like an attack dog.

"YOU WATCH YOUR-"

"Daisy."

Peach has become suddenly, eerily calm.

She hands her cat eyeglasses off to her friend, then walks past her defenders to face the stranger. Her blue eyes blazing with a cold fury that ill befit them.

"Princess-" Rosalina begins.

"Rosie. Daisy. Take the items I've stashed in my office. Go with Peter and his friend and help the children before it's too late," Peach's voice resonates with authority. She pulls back her sleeve, the two silver bangles on her arm slide forward onto her wrist.

"I have a lesson to teach our guest."

There's a flash of light, and a mallet appears in Peach's hands. A pristine head atop a much more worn handle, attached together by a torn and stained piece of red cloth.

…

Alucard's broadsword comes crashing down like the blade of a guillotine missing Zelda's ear by a millimetre. Another near miss cuts through a hall of lockers behind them like butter. The vampire's hulking black form shrouded in mist, water coming down from the sprinkles sizzling on contact with his flesh. The pain of it dancing was a kind of mania behind his expression, made worse by the water whip Katara's lashing him with.

"Look at all you have to do just to stand a chance against me!" He sneers.

"…and you're still so weak!"

He swings down his broadsword. Katara summons a wall of water strong enough to block it mid-stride.

"I'm just getting warmed up!"

"Prove it!" Challenges Alucard. "Do you're worst!"

"With pleasure! Ready Zelda?"

"Katara- Perhaps we-"

"NOW!"

Every drop of water in the room in one motion rushes forward towards the vampire, solidifying in mid-air and transforming into a storm of thousands of needle-sharp blades of ice. Alucard reels back, flesh and blood peeling away from his form, leaving him a mess of flayed viscera.

Katara doubles over panting, but satisfied. Her grin fades just a second later, and the vampire's body begins reforming.

"Um, Zelda?! I need your holy magic!"

"I'm trying!"

She chances a glance over to her friend. The Princess's arms extended, golden light flickering weakly from her hands.

"I thought you said you could do it?" Katara says fearfully.

"Yes, well, unfortunately, my powers have never come as wilfully as past bearers of the sacred Triforce have found."

Cold laughter draws both of their attention. Alucard's finished pulling himself back together.

"Shame… I thought for a moment I was finally going to get a real fight. How disappointing…"

He rears up and slams a foot into Katara's stomach sending her flying backwards.

"KATARA!" Zelda shouts. The vampire laughing over her.

"…Do not worry little girls, I am sure I'll find some pleasure in devouring you yet!"

…

Jack and Penny race through the halls, Alucard's ghoulish army at their heels. The vespa Penny's drawn for them rattling worrying beneath these feet.

"Jack! There's something I should tell you about my crayon drawings!" She calls.

"What?"

They're sent flying forward, the vespa dissolving from under them.

"Thing is water's never really agreed with them," Penny admits.