Chapter Text
"Hey hey hey!" Mario shouts as he and Luigi finally make it inside the hotel through the downpour, seeing the Snifit locking up the ballroom. "Open that back up right now!"
"It's raining." The Snifit says.
"And we're here anyway." Mario says. "He's supposed to be on stage right now. It's Luigi, the Mario Brother."
"You a jazz singer?" The Snifit asks.
"No, he's a comic."
"Sorry, but everyone would just sink in the sand if they tried to make it out here now." The Snifit apologizes. "We'll set something else up in a week, I promise."
"Right because we can just come all the way out here to do that!" Mario shouts as the Snifit walks away. "Shit."
"It's still pouring." Luigi says as they get back in the Boot.
"Who's he to say that they'd die coming out here?" Mario mutters. "He doesn't know anything beyond that fucking boulder he shoots out his mouth."
"Then next time don't book with guys like that, huh?" Luigi points out.
"Weeg, the industry is run by guys like that." Mario informs him. "And if they're not, they're just waiting for a chance to knock you down a peg. That's how the industry's still alive all this time."
"I missed Amy's baby shower for this." Luigi says regretfully. "Fuck. Can we just get outta here already?"
Mario tries to turn on the Boot, but it won't move. "Seriously?"
"How well do you remember the Book of Jeremiah?" Luigi asks suddenly.
"Like it was just last night Ma was reading it to us as a bedtime story." Mario replies, then bangs the side of the Boot in frustration. "Get outta the Boot."
"Why?"
"Cause it can't move in this muddy sand." Mario says.
"Perfect." Luigi rolls his eyes as he gets out.
"Hey, that means we have to upgrade our hotel." Mario points behind them at the Snif City Royal Hotel.
"Mario, this whole thing is fucked." Luigi says flatly.
"You better not be blaming me." Mario accuses as they walk back through the rain. "How was I supposed to know he was gonna cancel the gig? Or the extra expense for the Boot rental just to get through the desert? And this just in: I'm not the fucking Rainmaker."
"What are we supposed to do now?" Luigi demands. "Huh? Spend our gas money for the trip back on a hotel room for the night?"
"We don't even have that." Mario admits, making them both stop.
After a quick cursory glance, they find a reasonably sized stall and sleep under the awning and table, the rain and mud soaking everything.
"Remind me to never let you near the map again." Mario says as he and Luigi are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, while Luigi attempts to do his morning routine in the passenger car.
"Remind me next time to wake you up at the butt crack of dawn." Luigi snarks back.
"Not if you don't want to end up on the bottom of the Sicilian you won't." Mario replies, right as they're honked at.
Mario rolls the window down, shouting, "Do I look like I'm going anywhere, dumbasses?"
"You sure you weren't switched at birth?." Luigi jokes as he checks himself in the mirror, before Mario shoves him away.
"I can't see the traffic when you do that."
"This is it." Luigi laments. "This is my swan song. I'm gonna waste away here in this damn tunnel."
"If it'll make you shut up, I'm all for it." Mario says.
"I'm not gonna be able to shower." Luigi says. "What am I gonna do?"
"You're telling jokes, not posing for a firefighter calendar." Mario points out. "Just decide it's good enough and get on stage anyway. No one cares."
"Oh so now I'm just 'good enough'?" Luigi says.
"Lu, stop nagging me like a whiny housewife." Mario orders.
"Fine, then I'll nag you like you're my manager, because you are!" Luigi's voice cracks. "You should give a shit that your client is going on that stage representing you."
"Luigi!" Mario exclaims, pointing, forcing Luigi to look. "We're at the pipe."
"Really?" Luigi rolls down his window and sticks his head out, and sure enough, there it is, right off the exit.
"That's our pipe. We're at our pipe." Mario nods. "We're back at New Donk."
"We're in New Donk!" Luigi cheers as Mario floors it as well as he can, sticking his middle finger out the window. "Up yours!"
Until they both remember they're still stuck in traffic.
"We're still wasting away in this tunnel." Luigi whines.
"Right at the pipe, too." Mario says.