Chapter Text
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 6, Episode 1:
“Model Behavior”
NARRATOR: And now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development.
Open on MICHAEL BLUTH. Close up of his face, with a beautiful blue sky and gentle waves behind him, just audible. MICHAEL looks peaceful and content.
NARRATOR: This is Michael Bluth. He is enjoying a day off with his son, George Michael.
Zoom out to show that MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL, now visible, are not at sea at all but at a MINIATURE GOLF COURSE with a marine theme.
GEORGE MICHAEL hands MICHAEL his club.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey Dad, I saw this soft serve stand on the way over. I know it’s only breakfast time, but—
MICHAEL: You know what, that sounds perfect. After all, we’re celebrating, right? We have left this family once and for all, and doesn’t it feel so good?
MICHAEL swings, gets a hole in one, and cheers.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, I mean… of course. It feels—
GEORGE MICHAEL swings and misses the ball.
MICHAEL: Hey, that’s okay. Just try again. Let me show you.
MICHAEL comes up next to his son and swings the golf club for him. Another hole in one.
MICHAEL: See what happens when we work together? Just the two of us. Forget everyone else.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah…
MICHAEL: Hey, I’m really glad we got over whatever the heck was going on between us earlier, huh?
NARRATOR: Upon finding out that they were dating the same woman, George Michael had once punched his father in the face.
Cut to said scene (Season 4 finale).
NARRATOR: It was a difficult moment for all.
Cut back to the present day.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey Dad, if we’re going to be here for a while—
MICHAEL: We are. Who knows if we’ll ever move again, huh?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Right… I was thinking maybe I should start looking for a job. I mean, this is a great vacation, but it can’t last forever.
MICHAEL: Oh, yeah… well, in the meantime, we could always break out the old banana stand, huh?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, I’ve heard around here that might not be the best idea…
NARRATOR: The Bananagrabber cartoon, created by Michael and his older brother GOB, had aired on a local station in Phoenix, despite very limited syndication elsewhere. Due to executive meddling, however, it had become more grotesque and had frightened and even disgusted viewers, greatly decreasing the local demand for bananas.
GEORGE MICHAEL: This mini golf course is hiring.
MICHAEL: Or — or you could break out the old degree. There’ve gotta be some good tech jobs around here, right? Non-fraudulent ones?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah. I’ll look into it. Hey, what about you?
MICHAEL: You know, I’ve got some savings, some financial things I’ve gotta look into… How about we go home, cool off, I make some phone calls, you hop on the old computer—
GEORGE MICHAEL glances at the Bluth Company STAIR CAR in the parking lot. It is currently vacant.
MICHAEL —we figure out how to make a life here.
GEORGE MICHAEL: But we’ll stop for soft serve first, right?
MICHAEL: Of course. Can’t forget the soft serve.
NARRATOR: They did, in fact, forget the soft serve, so busy were they talking on the drive home. But that is the price of being once more father and son.
***
Remains of the MODEL HOME. Shot first of the outside, then of the downstairs.
NARRATOR: While Michael was in Phoenix with his son, the Fünke family had remained in Orange County. Having lived in various places, they had all yearned for stability and comfort, and so had decided to be a model family in a model home.
LINDSAY is sitting at the kitchen island, looking through a newspaper, while TOBIAS lies on the couch.
LINDSAY: These modeling jobs are everywhere! I’ve always had the looks for it…
TOBIAS [sitting up]: What a delightful idea, my dear! We’ll be one of those celebrity power couples, like Brooke Shields and Michael Jackson.
LINDSAY gives TOBIAS a look but does not respond. MAEBY appears from upstairs and starts making herself breakfast.
LINDSAY: Maeby, have you seen these modeling ads?
MAEBY takes the newspaper and flips through it. An idea starts to form in her head.
MAEBY: Cool.
LINDSAY: So?
MAEBY: So?
LINDSAY: You’ve always represented me so well—
NARRATOR: Maeby had once pimped out her mother to a Republican politician.
LINDSAY: —and you don’t seem to be working right now—
NARRATOR: The irony was lost on Lindsay.
LINDSAY: —so what do you say?
MAEBY: Sure, I’ll see what I can do.
MAEBY takes her bowl of cereal upstairs with her.
TOBIAS: I’m so proud of her. Only sixteen years old—
NARRATOR: Maeby was in her twenties.
TOBIAS: —and soon to be a model.
LINDSAY: A model? She eats breakfast! I meant for her to be my agent.
TOBIAS: Ah, I see. [Beat] Forgive me for intruding, but, well, who in this family has actual Hollywood experience? Maeby, or yours truly?
NARRATOR: Maeby.
TOBIAS: Couldn’t I be your agent? You know I have experience working two jobs.
Cut to TOBIAS’ “analrapist” business card, then back.
LINDSAY: You also have experience working no jobs.
NARRATOR: Again, Lindsay and irony.
TOBIAS [laughing awkwardly]: Ouch! Well, if you don’t want my manly presence, I’ll just get off your ass about it.
TOBIAS retreats back to the living room.
LINDSAY [to herself]: I wonder how fast my hair will grow back.
***
LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE. LUCILLE is sitting on an armchair, drinking a martini, while GEORGE SR. sits on the adjacent couch and eats a slice of cake. He is very comfortable there, wrapped in a blanket; clearly he had been sleeping there.
NARRATOR: Michael’s parents, Lucille and George Sr., were at home in their penthouse.
LUCILLE: Really, the kind of things you eat for breakfast!
LUCILLE takes a large sip of her martini in aggravation.
GEORGE SR.: Well, if we weren’t out of cereal, I wouldn’t have to have cake.
LUCILLE: Wasn’t that Marie Antoinette’s excuse too?
LUCILLE turns on the TV, to hear JOHN BEARD reporting the local news.
JOHN BEARD: In the Orange County prison, riots are breaking out among rival gangs, seemingly about the control of substances.
LUCILLE: That’s it, I’m going to see Buster today. A mother just worries so much.
NARRATOR: Plus Lucille wanted to get out of the house. She had a little too much company at the moment.
LUCILLE gets up and goes into her bedroom, carrying her martini with her. GEORGE SR. also gets up, opens the refrigerator, and pours out the last of a gallon of milk to accompany his cake, before settling back down.
LUCILLE [rummaging around her room, in the dark]: Oh, for the love of God, where is my purse? Let’s see: I had it yesterday, and Lupe has the day off today so for once she must be innocent. And we know Buster can’t have taken it.
LUCILLE laughs at her own joke, but her laughter cannot cover up a coughing sound coming from inside the room. LUCILLE is startled and hurriedly turns on the light.
OSCAR: Sorry, dry cereal really does a number on my throat, and that nice moist cake Lupe made is all gone.
LUCILLE: I think your throat has undergone enough damage.
Without asking, OSCAR takes a refreshing sip of LUCILLE’s martini, which she then sets down on the nightstand in disgust.
LUCILLE: Oh, great. I have to drive all the way to the prison today to see Buster, and now you’ve spoiled my breakfast.
OSCAR: Maybe his father can go to see him too.
Dramatic “Buster-is-actually-Oscar’s-illegitimate-son” music swells. LUCILLE rolls her eyes.
LUCILLE: I don’t think so. This is a family matter, and you know how George is.
LUCILLE begins opening dresser drawers, looking for her purse. Finally she finds it, stuffed with OSCAR’s sash of marijuana. Annoyed, she empties most of the contents onto the bed.
LUCILLE: Find a better place to store this. [Turning to leave] Oh, and don’t go into the living room. Everything is being repainted.
OSCAR [to himself]: I thought I’d seen some new colors when I went out there last night.
LUCILLE leaves her bedroom with her purse and heads out to the door. GEORGE SR. is still on the couch, watching the local news.
LUCILLE: Oh, by the way, the bedroom is being fumigated, so don’t go in there.
GEORGE SR. [to himself]: I thought I’d smelled some vapors coming from there last night.
LUCILLE [to herself, as she leaves the house]: This is an awfully queer situation.
***
GOB’S YACHT. GOB is sitting on the deck, in his bathrobe.
NARRATOR: Lucille’s was not the only queer situation. Having recently undergone intense scrutiny from the Gay Mafia, her son GOB was now living with openly gay magician Tony Wonder.
TONY WONDER appears, also in a bathrobe, monogrammed with a stylized letter W, his insignia. He has just hung up the phone.
TONY WONDER [kissing GOB]: Good morning, GOB. God, you look so good.
GOB: Well, I did use to be a model.
NARRATOR: Sort of. GOB had never been a model, but he had worked as a stripper in a group known as the Hot Cops.
GOB: Who was that on the phone?
TONY WONDER: You know Steve Holt?
GOB: Steve Holt, as in Maeby’s ex?
NARRATOR: Also Steve Holt as in GOB’s son.
TONY WONDER: He wanted to talk to you.
GOB: Then why didn’t he call me?
TONY WONDER: I don’t think he has your number. He got mine through some mutual acquaintance. He wants to meet up.
GOB: Why? [excitedly] Does he want us to teach him magic?
NARRATOR: No, that would be insane.
GOB [tearing up]: I’m so proud! He wants to learn from the greats… Do you think he saw our wall illusion on TV?
GOB gets lost in thought.
GOB: [Beat] I have so much to prepare.
GOB dives into the indoor part of the boat to prepare for the magic lesson.
***
MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL’s new APARTMENT, in Phoenix. MICHAEL is on the phone, on hold, while GEORGE MICHAEL is on his laptop.
MICHAEL: Any luck?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, there’s this video editing job I found. I don’t know, you know, with my internal clock, it might work.
MICHAEL: Hey, that’s great!
GEORGE MICHAEL: Uh, yeah, it’s for this movie they’re trying to make. Model Behavior. I don’t know what it’s about.
MICHAEL: Well, you might as well apply. [Smiling] Talented kid like you, they’d be stupid to turn you down. Is it here, or are you working remotely or something? Hold on, I have to take this. [Now speaking on the phone] Yes? [Beat] Thank you so much. [Laughing] I don’t think that’ll be a problem. All right, I’ll talk to you soon.
MICHAEL hangs up.
MICHAEL: Excellent news! It looks like your old man might have enough money to retire early.
GEORGE MICHAEL looks surprised but happy for his father.
MICHAEL: Yep, well, now that we are out of the family and the company, it was either that or maritime law, and do you see any great bodies of water around here?
Cut to marine-themed MINI GOLF COURSE, then back to the APARTMENT.
MICHAEL: Yeah, there was some weird clause about inheritance, though. The fund is only available since I just have a dependent son and no grandchildren.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Dependent? In — in what sense?
MICHAEL: You know, living with me, never been married.
GEORGE MICHAEL suddenly looks uneasy.
MICHAEL: Hey, you okay? What, are you gonna tell me you don’t want to live with me? [Chuckles] Or that you’re secretly married?
GEORGE MICHAEL looks even worse.
BLACKOUT.
***
Orange County PRISON. LUCILLE is at a table in the visiting room, waiting.
NARRATOR: Lucille Bluth was visiting her youngest son Buster in prison, where he’d found himself after killing his ex-girlfriend, and his mother’s old friend and rival, Lucille Austero.
LUCILLE [to herself]: What can be taking him so long? He never used to treat me like this.
Finally BUSTER appears. His missing left hand has been replaced with a tennis ball; in his right hand he holds a Styrofoam cup. LUCILLE stands up with mild indignation upon seeing him.
BUSTER: Hello, Mother.
LUCILLE: A tennis ball? Have you found a doubles partner to replace me?
BUSTER [offended]: No one can replace you, Mother! [Beat] They didn’t let me have the hook, so I got this during rec hour.
BUSTER and LUCILLE sit down. Clearly they are unhappy about the “no touching” rule.
LUCILLE: I can’t believe how they’re treating you here. I came to let you know that Barry and I are working round the clock to get you free.
BUSTER [apprehensively]: Well, it’s not so bad here…
LUCILLE: Not so bad? My little boy is behind bars! And I heard there’s some kind of drug trafficking going on.
A PRISONER passes by and high-fives BUSTER on his tennis ball. Cries of “No touching!” from the GUARD.
LUCILLE: Who was that?
BUSTER [enigmatically]: A friend. [More proudly] Yes, Mother, I have friends here — more than I ever had at home.
LUCILLE [fully irate]: That’s it. I am getting you out of here so that I can teach you a lesson. [Seemingly softening] And so I can have you all to myself.
LUCILLE leaves. BUSTER takes a sip from his cup and sighs.
***
HOLLYWOOD. MAEBY is driving her PARENTS to Tantamount Studios.
TOBIAS: Let me tell you, seeing all these handsome and talented actors is just so exciting! All these beautiful faces, and soon you’ll be one of them.
TOBIAS reaches out to pat LINDSAY’s hand, but instead knocks over a bottle of water that she had been drinking. Unresponsive to this incident, MAEBY pulls into the driveway and takes out a very outdated parking pass.
LINDSAY [proudly]: You’ve always been so independent. I don’t even remember teaching you how to drive.
NARRATOR: That was because Maeby had taught herself. Practicing on the stair car had been rather difficult, but it made every other vehicle seem easy.
The FÜNKES get out of the car and walk toward a building marked by a sign saying AUDITIONS.
LINDSAY [checking her makeup in a portable mirror]: You know, with Lucille no longer my mother, I just feel so confident. It’s like nothing she says can affect me.
MAEBY: Really? ‘Cause she’s calling you.
LINDSAY reluctantly picks up the phone. Split screen showing both her and LUCILLE.
LUCILLE: Buster is out of control. Plus they searched my bag!
LINDSAY: I am not just a replacement for Michael, Lucille. I can’t take care of all your problems.
LUCILLE: Oh, don’t worry, I never thought you could. I need Maeby.
LINDSAY: Then why didn’t you call her yourself?
LUCILLE: I don’t think I have her number. Is she with you?
LINDSAY: As a matter of fact, she is, because mothers and daughters stick together.
MAEBY has wandered off.
LUCILLE: I hear some kind of flamboyant noise in the background. Is that just Tobias?
LINDSAY: We’re in Hollywood, Lucille. [Defiantly] I’m auditioning to be a model.
LUCILLE: That’s very valiant, dear, but I think the casting directors will be able to tell that you eat breakfast.
LINDSAY hangs up, then looks around to see that MAEBY is gone but TOBIAS is still waiting patiently with her. The two of them go inside to their audition.
***
PHOENIX. MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL are sitting outside on Adirondack chairs.
NARRATOR: While Lucille was dealing with the abandonment of her now blistering, very grown-up son, George Michael was wishing that the blistering Arizona sun would abandon them.
MICHAEL: Okay, George Michael, I just got off the phone with a very competent lawyer in Orange County, and we can get you through this.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Can we go inside? It’s really hot out here.
MICHAEL [visibly sweating]: It’s not hot out. [Beat] But you know who is hot? This lawyer. Let me tell you, just listening to her, she is at the top of her game. So don’t worry, we will get you that annulment and it will be like that whole fiasco never happened.
NARRATOR: At the age of sixteen, George Michael had accidentally gotten legally married to his cousin, Maeby, during a supposedly fake ceremony at a retirement home. For some reason, this event was never brought up again, until now.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I guess we’ll have to talk to Maeby about this.
MICHAEL: Oh, don’t worry, she’ll be on board. I mean, who wants to be married to their cousin, huh?
GEORGE MICHAEL [laughing nervously]: Well, technically, once removed, but yeah…
MICHAEL: But there is a downside to this. It looks like we’ll have to go back to California for a little while to settle this matter.
GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, actually, that might be a good thing anyway, ‘cause that job I found is out in Hollywood, and also ‘cause… I kinda miss the family.
MICHAEL: I tell you what, George Michael: we’ll see the family. I mean we’ll have to. Certainly Maeby is your family… I suppose in more ways than one. But we are not getting involved, remember? That’s our motto. NGI.
GEORGE MICHAEL: NGI, right.
MICHAEL: I want us to take care of this right away, so let’s pack our things, get on the road tomorrow before it gets too hot.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I thought it wasn’t hot.
MICHAEL: In Arizona? Are you kidding me?
MICHAEL goes to pack, leaving GEORGE MICHAEL alone with his thoughts.
***
HOLLYWOOD. MAEBY and LINDSAY are sitting in a waiting room.
LINDSAY: Was I supposed to have any material prepared?
MAEBY: To be a model? All you need is your good looks.
TOBIAS returns from an adjoining room, holding a pamphlet.
TOBIAS: Did you see this? They’re holding auditions right now for a new movie! I believe I will impress the casting directors as their next [looking at the pamphlet] Clerk #3.
LINDSAY: A movie? What’s it about?
TOBIAS: I believe it’s a scathing critique of the hospitality industry, which I happen to know very well. Motel Behavior, it says.
LINDSAY: Give me that. [Taking the pamphlet] Maeby, were you having me audition for a movie?
NARRATOR: The movie in question was Model Behavior, a scathing critique of the fashion industry. Knowing that her mother was as dramatically inept as she was beautiful, Maeby had connived to have Lindsay audition — and embarrass herself — in order to teach her a lesson.
LINDSAY [delighted]: What a wonderful surprise! Now I can stick it to Lucille in even more ways!
TOBIAS: And I can co-star with you! Oh, Maeby, you really set us up so well.
MAEBY: Well, I tried.
MAEBY’s phone rings. Split screen between her and BUSTER.
BUSTER: Hey, niece!
MAEBY: Uncle Buster? How did you even get my number?
BUSTER [slightly hurt]: From my address book.
MAEBY: In the year 20—
Sound of a BELL in the background.
BUSTER: Listen, I only have five minutes until lunch, and I need your help. Mom is trying to get me out of jail, and I don’t think I want to go back home. I mean, here they have… well, I suppose you’re familiar with the power of… juice?
Cut to GEORGE MICHAEL and MAEBY, on the living room floor of the MODEL HOME (Season 3, Episode 12).
NARRATOR: Maeby had once gotten drunk off of fake wine with her cousin, George Michael.
Cut back to present day.
MAEBY: Okay, I got it. Doing drugs and avoiding Gangy.
BUSTER: Can you try to get her to back off?
MAEBY: I’ll see what I can do, but I’m kind of busy right now.
BUSTER: Right… Oh, hey, did you hear about this new movie they’re making? It’s a scathing critique of the Alpine singing industry. Maybe you should audition.
MAEBY: Maybe so.
MAEBY hangs up the phone.
MAEBY [to herself]: How many movies are being made?
***
A casual RESTAURANT, at lunchtime. GOB and TONY WONDER are waiting for their appetizers and for their dining companion.
GOB: What does he look like again?
TONY WONDER: Tall, letterman jacket, emphatic hand gestures—
GOB: Like your W thing?
TONY WONDER: Much less cool. Seriously, do you not remember Steve?
GOB [mildly indignant]: Of course I remember Steve. Hey, why is that waiter not in uniform?
Approaching them is not a waiter, but STEVE HOLT himself.
STEVE HOLT [grinning making his signature gesture]: DADS!
GOB [pretending to remember his own son]: Steve!
TONY WONDER [much more sincerely]: Steve! How’s it going? How’s your mother? I only met her once, but she was so lovely.
STEVE HOLT: All good, she’s good.
GOB [half to himself]: Seriously, Tony, do you know everyone? [To STEVE] So, what brings you here?
STEVE HOLT: Besides wanting to hang out with my AWESOME GAY DADS?
STEVE HOLT and TONY WONDER cheer; GOB confusedly joins them.
STEVE HOLT: This is kinda embarrassing, but… well, there’s this girl I want to impress, and I mean, she’s really successful. She’s got this whole ethical modeling business, and it’s just so cool… and I was thinking, maybe if you could teach me, I could ask her out with magic.
NARRATOR: I take back what I said earlier.
All THREE become very enthusiastic and simultaneously cheer, much louder than before.
WAITER [approaching them]: I’m sorry, but there’s been a noise complaint, and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
STEVE HOLT: That’s okay, I know this great taco place out in Hollywood. [As they are leaving] Maybe we can go see the studio where they’re making this cool new movie. I heard it’s a scathing critique of the winemaking industry.
BLACKOUT.
***
NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development…
HOLLYWOOD. Maeby walks onstage.
NARRATOR: Maeby gets an unexpected opportunity in the fashion industry…
MAEBY [reading from a script, somewhat awkwardly]: Oh, the life of a model! The ups and downs, the dizzy highs and dizzier lows—
CASTING DIRECTOR: You know, miss, I don’t see you as an actress. But I have a friend in the modeling industry…
NARRATOR: As does GOB.
GOB is chugging a bottle of beer, cheered on by STEVE HOLT and TONY WONDER.
AGENT [approaching them]: That was amazing! That posture, that speed… I represent the Nonperishable Goods Industry, or NGI: Beer, Wine, and Soft Drinks Division. How would you like to be our next bottle model?
ROLL CREDITS.