Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Promise me you won't look back.” Arthur said, speaking through the fog.

Merlin swallowed. “You can't ask me that .”

“Merlin, promise me .”

Merlin didn't answer, unable to utter those simple words. 

***

Finding the Horn had not been Merlin's plan. 

The boy was just tidying up Arthur's rooms, his old rooms, the ones he only used a few times now that he had his new ones with Gwen. 

And he had found the Horn tucked haphazardly under the bed sheets, half hidden from view, a painful memory. 

Merlin shook his head. 

Gaius had said to be cautious. 

Merlin would be cautious . 

***

Leon died defending Gwen. It was the honourable death the man had always deserved, even if Merlin had hoped that at least he, at least he might die of old age . 

Merlin could still be cautious. 

***

Percival had never quite gotten over his guilt over Gwaine's fate. 

When he died, Merlin heard him sigh in relief . 

Finally , Percival could rest. 

Merlin wanted to rest. Being cautious was proving increasingly difficult . 

***

Gaius died with a heavy heart.  

He was the oldest among them, yet he had seen all his children die, one by one . 

Gwen and Merlin each held one hand as Gaius died. 

At least , Gwen said through tears, he had died among loved ones . 

Merlin might have been cautious for Gwen’s sake. 

***

When Gwen knew she was dying, she personally looked for a good heir to the throne, daring anyone to dispute her word. 

“Merlin will make sure my wishes are respected.” Gwen spoke seriously. “Listen to him as you listened to my husband.”

The nobles nodded. 

Merlin wished Arthur could have seen that day. 

“Merlin,” Gwen spoke, looking up from the scroll she was reading, “I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything you want, Gwen.” Merlin smiled. 

Gwen had aged, it showed in her features. 

Merlin had stopped ageing the moment he pushed Arthur out to sea in his funeral boat. 

“I know you burned the bodies of Arthur and Lancelot in the same place.” Gwen murmured. “You told me about it.”

Merlin nodded. 

He wanted to burn the bodies of all his friends there . 

But he had never found Gwaine 's body, Leon and Gaius had wanted to be burned where they had lived all their lives, and Percival had not been able to be burned. 

“I would like to be taken to the same place.” Gwen said softly. “I want to rest with my two great loves.”

Merlin nodded. "I understand you." Merlin murmured. 

He wanted it too, so bad. 

Being cautious was proving increasingly difficult. 

***

“Merlin, what are you doing?”

Merlin smiled at Arthur's voice. “I missed you, dollophead.”

“You can't do that… You saw what happened with my father!” Arthur exclaimed, staring at Merlin in shock. 

“I've been alone for over a hundred years , Arthur.” Merlin blinked, fighting back tears. “ Don't blame me for this.”

“You should have destroyed that Horn the moment you saw it.” Arthur shook his head. 

“You should have given it to Gaius the moment you banished Uther's spirit from the mortal’s world again.” Merlin said softly. “Are they with you?” He asked then, fearful, scared and broken . 

“They are all with me.” Arthur sighed. “I'm sorry, Merlin. I wish I could do more for you, but… I can't , Merlin. They don't want me to do anything. Only you can move forward."

" Of course ." Merlin nodded. “Sometimes I wonder if everyone who called me Emrys knew that I would never die , that I would never see my friends again.”

“ Merlin… ” Arthur looked worried, sad and upset. “Merlin, you can't give up.”

“Arthur,” Merlin smiled at his friend, a bittersweet smile, “I gave up years ago .”

“ Don't look back.” Arthur said. “Promise me you won't look back. Don't do this to me , please ."

Merlin laughed, a sad and desolate sound. 

“I would never do anything to hurt you, Arthur.” Merlin said. “But sometimes I just wish I had never been born .”

Then, he turned and walked out of the fog.