Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

just had the best workout with mr c

[the image is a selfie of jonah grinning and a man older than 50 at what looks like a home gym, the man has a very unamused expression on his face as he looks at the camera holding one of the weights]

Replying to @JonahWizard

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

HELLO WHO IS HE?

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

idk but hes hot

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

HUHHH???

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

wait this isnt my alt SHIT

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

thank god i didnt tag him otherwise id be dead

Replying to @JonahWizard

Hamilton @HHolt

i dont even think the guy has a twitter

Replying to @HHolt

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

EVEN BETTER

SERVER Cahills Only

Fiske: Jonah.

Dan: rip jonah

Jonah: I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS ON MY ALT

Jonah: im sorry mr c

Hamilton: fiske you should make a twitter people find you hot

Fiske: What.

Amy: thanks! i hate it!

Dan: gonna go bleach my eyes now thanks ham

Ian: Ew.

Sinead: What have you done, Holt?

Fiske: Ignoring that.

Fiske: Just don't let it happen again.

Jonah: will do

Jonah Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

so im still alive

Replying to @JonahWizard

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

What a shame.

Replying to @IanKabra

Jonah Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

alright fuck you too cobra

Replying to @JonahWizard

dan the man @ninjalord

HAHAHAHAHA

Trending

#whoismrc

#jonahwizardnewsingle

#iankabra

DMS Amy and Dan

Dan: we should make uncle fiske a twitter

Amy: absolutely not!

Dan: then i will

Amy: you'll be grounded for sure

Dan: nellie?

Dan: just have her persuade him?

Amy: no.

Dan: youre no fun

Amy: uncle fiske likes his solitude for a reason

Amy: part of that reason is us

Dan: i know

Dan: it would still be funny though

Dan: i cant believe we even got him to make a discord

Amy: yeah that was surprising

Amy: thought he'd say no

Dan: now i can send him all the memes i want

Amy: dan!

Dan: what? its not like he looks at them anyways

Dan: ...never mind he just told me he looks at all of them

Amy: it's uncle fiske of course he does

Dan: yeah yeah

ames @catsandbooks39

things i never want to hear again: people on this site calling my uncle hot

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

we could still make him a twitter

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

DUDE YES

Replying to @HHolt

dan the man @ninjalord

i already asked amy she said no

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

BOOOO

Replying to @ninjalord

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

A good thing too, I can't imagine what these heathens would do or say about him.

Replying to @IanKabra

ames @catsandbooks39

i never thought i'd say this but THANK YOU IAN

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

youre thanking cobra now? who possessed my sister?

Replying to @ninjalord

ames @catsandbooks39

shut it dweeb

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

YOU CANT CALL A NINJA LORD DWEEB! IT DOESNT WORK!

Replying to @ninjalord

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Dweeb.

Replying to @IanKabra

dan the man @ninjalord

blocked

the collector @icollectthings

who are these people jonah and ian are talking to?

Replying to @icollectthings

#1 lego fan @legosareawesome

idk but theyre funny

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

just dont call their uncle(?) hot again, please im begging you

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

youre just scared of the truth

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

WAIT MR C IS THEIR UNCLE??? AS IN ALL OF THEM???

Replying to @icollectthings

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

now hold on a minute thats a bit of a stretch

Replying to @iloveironman

the collector @icollectthings

which part of it?

Replying to @icollectthings

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

ALL OF IT

Replying to @iloveironman

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

but what if they really are all related?

Replying to @likeaboss

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

LALALA I CANT HEAR YOU

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

dude we could start a theory server

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

YES ILL JOIN

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

@iloveironman i know you want in on this, ONE OF US ONE OF US

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

ONE OF US ONE OF US

Replying to @likeaboss

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

ugh fine... peer pressure 

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Nellie: @everyone get down here theres waffles

Dan: EYS

Amy: EYS

Nellie: EYS

Dan: shut

Amy: DIBS

Dan: HEY THATS NOT FAIR

Nellie: sorry kiddos fiske was here first

Amy: WHAT?

Dan: ???

Dan: we shouldve seen him?

Fiske: I'm not a spy for nothing, you two.

Fiske: You'll both need a couple years in stealth.

Fiske: Yes, I know about the Interpol incident, don't think I haven't forgotten.

Amy: ...

Dan: ...

Amy: that was jake's fault, not ours

Dan: yeah he snitched!

Fiske: Regardless, Interpol shouldn't know about the Cahills.

Fiske: And neither should anyone else.

Amy: sorry uncle fiske

Dan: srory uncle fiske

Amy: srory

Nellie: srory

Dan: AAAAAAAAAA

Nellie: dont be too hard on them fiske, theyve done a lot at their age

Fiske: I know, and I couldn't be prouder of them.

Amy: love you uncle fiske

Dan: ...love you uncle fiske

Nellie: alright enough emotions now eat your waffles

Dan: DIBS

Amy: HEY!

Fiske: Too slow.

Dan: AKJDAKSFHAJHEFADF

Chapter Text

Shep @surferdude

cant wait to hang with my niece and nephew next week!

Replying to @surferdude

ames @catsandbooks39

cant wait to see you again too uncle shep!

Replying to @surferdude

dan the man @ninjalord

this is gonna be awesome

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

is this the australia dude? the one that wiped us out?

Replying to @HHolt

dan the man @ninjalord

yeah, nothing will be funnier than eisenhower getting hit in the head with his own surfboard

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

i wish i got that on camera

Replying to @HHolt

ames @booksandcats39

don't we all

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Challenger approaching - Shep has appeared!

Shep: gday mates!

Amy: uncle shep!

Dan: hi uncle shep

Nellie: hey shep

Shep: this weeks gonna be great!

Shep: just one thing, youre all coming yes?

Nellie: yup, even the old man

Fiske: Watch yourself, Nellie.

Nellie: why? you wouldnt do anything to lil old me would you, fiske?

Nellie: wouls you fiske?

Dan: wouls

Amy: wouls

Nellie: quiet

Fiske: We'll see about that.

Nellie: im gonna drown you when we get there

Shep: woah i dont remember this much violence last time

Fiske: You can try, but you can't get rid of me that easily.

Amy: things... happened

Dan: i cant wait to see uncle fiske and nellie duke it out over the waves its gonna be awesome

Amy: you said that already

Dan: still factual

Nellie: can you even surf fiske

Fiske: Yes.

Fiske: It's sort of like skiing, but not quite.

Shep: the only difference there is one is solid and one is liquid, mate

Fiske: Indeed.

Amy: dan, our flight leaves in two hours!

Dan: and? uncle fiske is driving, well get to the airport in like 5 minutes

Fiske: We will. Dan, car.

Dan: ugh fiiine

Shep: see you all tomorrow!

dan the man @ninjalord

uncle fiske is the best driver send tweet

Replying to @ninjalord

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

I seriously thought we were going to crash into the wall that one time.

Replying to @ninjalord

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

how hasnt the dude gotten a ticket yet?

Replying to @JonahWizard

ames @catsandbooks39

i honestly don't know, and i hope he doesn't

Replying to @catsandbooks39

c’est la vie @punkandrock

off your phones kiddos, flights taking off

Trending

#jonahwizardnewsingle

#jonahwizarduncle

#surferdudeshep

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

so who is this shep guy?

Replying to @iloveironman

the collector @icollectthings

hes also their uncle

Replying to @icollecthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

but whose uncle?

Replying to @likeaboss

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

i hate this

Replying to @iloveironman

the collector @icollectthings

but what about this punkandrock girl? surely you want to know who she is?

Replying to @icollectthings

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SERVER Cahills Only

Natalie: @Sinead Where are Amy and Nellie? They're late for girls night.

Sinead: They're going to Australia this week, remember?

Natalie: Ugh, that's right.

Natalie: This week is going to be so boring.

Hamilton: its not gonna be that bad

Hamilton: besides most of us are still split up around the world

Ian: Not all of us are touring with Jonah, Hamilton.

Hamilton: hey im his bodyguard theres a difference

Ian: The only difference is how you use your talents, Holt.

Hamilton: whatever you say cobra

Ian: Stop!

c’est la vie @punkandrock

I AM SO READY FOR THIS VACAY

Replying to @punkandrock

dan the man @ninjalord

are you gonna wipe the floor with uncle fiske?

Replying to @ninjalord

c’est la vie @punkandrock

you know i am! now if only @catsandbooks39 was on my side

Replying to @punkandrock

ames @catsandbooks39

sorry nellie, i know better than to bet against uncle fiske

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

amy i have a wager for you

Replying to @ninjalord

ames @catsandbooks39

if it involves making uncle fiske a twitter, then no

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

COME ON! EVEN SHEP HAS A TWITTER

Replying to @ninjalord

c’est la vie @punkandrock

i like this bet

Replying to @punkandrock

dan the man @ninjalord

@catsandbooks39 see? even NELLIE agrees!

Replying to @ninjalord

ames @catsandbooks39

ugh

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Nellie: this is why i prefer getting a tan

Fiske: Is this you conceding?

Nellie: oh HELL no

Nellie: im just getting started

Fiske: You said that an hour ago.

Nellie: FISKE I SWEAR TO GOD

Nellie: IM GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

Fiske: Nellie, what are you doing with that surfboard?

Nellie: COME BACK HERE FISKE CAHILL

Fiske: GET AWAY FROM ME, GOMEZ!

Fiske: NELLIE, WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIFEGUARD!

Fiske: So no hard feelings?

Nellie: i hate you

Fiske: I tried to warn you about the lifeguard.

Nellie: shep uses surfboards for coffee tables, i wont miss next time

Fiske: Are you sure about that?

Nellie: i know where you sleep

Fiske: Try it, I dare you.

Nellie: alright watch me

Nellie: FUCJINF STOP IT

Nellie: THIS IS HAPPENIFN FISKE DEAL WITH IT

Fiske: NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!

Nellie: DONE

Fiske: I’M DELETING IT!

Nellie: NO THE FUCK YOURE NOT!

Nellie: GET BACK HERE

Fiske: GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT SURFBOARD!

Nellie: NEVER!

dan the man @ninjalord

best vacation ever

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

spill

Replying to @HHolt

Starling 1 @SStarling

I agree with the Holt dolt, spill.

Replying to @HHolt

dan the man @ninjalord

when we get back

Replying to @ninjalord

Natalie Kabra ✓ @NatalieKabra

Lame.

Chapter Text

ames @catsandbooks39

i told you uncle fiske would win @ninjalord

[the video starts off with the man from Jonah's photo and a goth-looking woman paddling out to catch the next wave. the man stands up first and easily rides through the first wave, the woman close behind. on the second wave, the man uses the force of the water to knock the woman off her board before pulling up to shore. the woman pops up a little way back, cussing the man out.]

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

shush. you left out the best part

[the video is a continuation of amy's, as the woman cusses out the man she grabs her surfboard and starts chasing him. the man pales and runs as fast as the sand will let him. the woman chasing him catches up quickly and starts swinging the board at him. unknown to her, a lifeguard is coming up behind her, and the man is trying to get her to stop before she hits him. unfortunately, it doesn't quite work, and the board hits the man in the face. the older man winces and the woman and the lifeguard get into an argument, which ends with the woman being thrown out of the beach for the rest of the day.]

Replying to @ninjalord

Hamilton @HHolt

LMAOOO

Replying to @ninjalord

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

THATS AMAZING

Replying to @ninjalord

c’est la vie @punkandrock

@ninjalord @catsandbooks39 DELETE THESE

Replying to @punkandrock

ames @catsandbooks39

sorry uncle fiskes request

Replying to @punkandrock

dan the man @ninjalord

for $100

Replying to @catsandbooks39

c’est la vie @punkandrock

YOURE JOKING

Replying to @punkandrock

ames @catsandbooks39

nope

Replying to @catsandbooks39

c’est la vie @punkandrock

im going to skin that man alive

also @ninjalord in your wildest dreams

Replying to @punkandrock

dan the man @ninjalord

worth a shot

the collector @icollectthings

so jonahs mr c is this uncle fiske?

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

looks like it

Replying to @icollectthings

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

that still doesnt explain how theyre all related, if they even are

Replying to @iloveironman

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

catsandbooks39 and ninjalord are related to this uncle fiske directly, everyone else isnt

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

we cant rule that out though

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

youre insane

Replying to @likeaboss

the collector @icollectthings

jurys out

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Amy: what am i looking at?

Dan: this is the greatest thing ever

Shep: these two were chasing each other down the street so eventually i had to do something about it

Amy: are they going to be okay?

Shep: oh yeah, theyll be fine

Shep: the handcuffs arent coming off till the afternoon

Dan: why do you even have those?

Shep: buddy of mine left them here dunno why

Shep: anyways surfs up!

Dan: what about them?

Amy: they'll be fine

Shep @surferdude

always a good time with the rellies!

[the photo is of three people, one leaning on a surfboard and two younger children, one who looked like him. in the background a man is being chased by a woman with black and blonde hair holding a surfboard. @catsandbooks39 and @ninjalord have been tagged.]

Replying to @surferdude

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

fiskes afraid of the babysitter? when did that happen?

Replying to @JonahWizard

c’est la vie @punkandrock

youre still calling me babysitter?? im pretty sure i proved myself three years ago

Replying to @punkandrock

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

sorry, old habit

Replying to @surferdude

Hamilton @HHolt

how does dan look like shep and fiske at the same time?

Replying to @HHolt

Starling 1 @SStarling

Genetics? I'm assuming you took biology, Holt. You should know this.

Replying to @SStarling

Hamilton @HHolt

science is your thing, ill stick to mine

Replying to @HHolt

Starling 1 @SStarling

Why do I even bother?

Trending

#mrcidentityreveal

#surferdudeshep

#nataliekabra

SERVER hey siri how far can i punt ian's tablet?

Natalie: I'm glad you two could make it this time!

Reagan: us too!

Madison: we brought more macarons!

Reagan: we even got some for amy and nellie when they get back

Sinead: Thanks, you two!

Natalie: Sinead, what movie did you get?

Sinead: Wall-E.

Sinead: Avengers 1 and Iron Man 1.

Sinead: And Frozen, because Nellie isn't here.

Natalie: Are we going to have time for all of these?

Sinead: If we start right now we can finish them before midnight tonight.

Madison: sounds good to me!

DMS Jonah and Nellie

Nellie: hey jonah can you do me a favor?

Jonah: depends on what it is 

Nellie: i made fiske a twitter i need it viral before he delets it

Jonah: delets

Nellie: ...

Nellie: maybe asking you was a mistake

Jonah: wait no im your guy

Jonah: the cobras cant do shit even with their influence

Nellie: are you sure about that?

Jonah: whatd mr c even do?

Nellie: we had a mock surfing contest with the four of us and the bastard wiped me out

Nellie: apparently amy and dan both recorded the whole thing and he had them post the videos

Jonah: oh yeah i saw that

Jonah: howd that end in you making him a twitter?

Nellie: revenge for the surfboard incident and ending up handcuffed to him

Nellie: FOR SIX HOURS

Jonah: yikes thats unfortunate

Jonah: whats his twitter?

Nellie: @FiskeCahill

Nellie: i think youll like what i put for his display name

Jonah: YO MR C IS BACK

Jonah: he isnt a huge fan of the name mr c though

Nellie: thats why its there

Nellie: ill let you know when were getting on our flight

Jonah: great!

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

keep watch for an announcement tomorrow!

Chapter Text

DMS Jonah and Nellie

Nellie: phones off

Jonah: on it

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

everyone id like to introduce you to the dude whose one of the best artists ive ever met, @FiskeCahill

[an image of a painting is attached, it's the Thomas Jefferson puzzle]

Replying to @JonahWizard

Hamilton @HHolt

LETS GOOO

Replying to @JonahWizard

Natalie Kabra ✓ @NatalieKabra

This place is suddenly more bearable with him here.

Replying to @NatalieKabra

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Don't count on it lasting once they're back in America, Natalie.

Replying to @IanKabra

Natalie Kabra ✓ @NatalieKabra

Oh, I know. That's why I'm enjoying it now.

Replying to @JonahWizard

Starling 1 @SStarling

He's going to hate this.

Replying to @SStarling

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

he already does

Replying to @JonahWizard

Reagan @thebettertwin

wait that puzzle was him? 

Replying to @thebettertwin

Madison @reaganislying

fiske is good at a lot of things

SERVER Cahills Only

Jonah: yeah the thomas jefferson puzzle was him

Reagan: IT LOOKS LIKE A JANUS DID IT THOUGH?

Madison: yeah! 

Natalie: According to Amy, Madrigals are the best of the best. 

Natalie: They have skills from every branch, or something.

Fiske: Close, although I enjoyed painting when I was younger.

Fiske: @Jonah Who gave you the handle?

Jonah: ...nellie

Nellie: snitch

Fiske: I already had a feeling, I just needed the confirmation.

Nellie: youre a cahill, why would you need confirmation?

Sinead: She has a point.

Fiske: Reasons.

Nellie: that are?

Fiske: None of your concern.

Ian: This is why I thought you were a Lucian at first.

Fiske: That's fair.

Starling 2 @NStarling

The prophecy is complete, the most responsible adult in this family finally has a Twitter.

Replying to @NStarling

Natalie Kabra ✓ @NatalieKabra

What about Aunt Beatrice?

Replying to @NataliKabra

c'est la vie @punkandrock

natalie no! dont summon our worst nightmare!

Replying to @punkandrock

Natalie Kabra ✓ @NatalieKabra

FUCK I FORGOT!

Replying to @NatalieKabra

Mr C @FiskeCahill

My oldest sister is the least responsible, right after your mother.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Beatrice @BeatriceCahill

I’d like an explanation to this, baby brother.

Replying to @BeatriceCahill

ames @catsandbooks39

if you were responsible, then why didn’t YOU raise me and dan?

oh that’s right, you didn’t want to

Replying to @catsandbooks39

Beatrice @BeatriceCahill

Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady!

Replying to @BeatriceCahill

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Don’t talk to my children like that, Bea. She’s right, you didn’t want to raise them.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Beatrice @BeatriceCahill

It's not like you're their father, Fiske. They're not actually your children.

Replying to @BeatriceCahill

ames @catsandbooks39

...

Replying to @BeatriceCahill

Mr C @FiskeCahill

This conversation is over.

Replying to @BeatriceCahill

dan the man @ninjalord

thanks for bringing up our dead parents aunt beatrice :) its always a pleasure talking to you :)

DMS Dan and Fiske

Dan: can i put thumbtacks in her shoes

Fiske: Do anything and everything you can think of.

Dan: I WONT LET YOU DOWN

Dan: SHE WILL REGRET SPEAKING

Fiske: While we're here, what do you want for dinner tonight?

Fiske: Amy said it was your night to choose.

Dan: could we get pizza from that place by the cafe?

Fiske: What kind?

Dan: a cheese, a three meat and a sausage

Dan: also the cobras the starlings the holts and uncle alistair are staying late so like 3 of each

Fiske: Noted, I'll get it later.

Dan: thanks uncle fiske

#1 lego fan @legosareawesome

i left for a week... holy shit

Replying to @legosareawesome

the collector @icollectthings

yeah this is a lot to unpack

Replying to @icollectthings

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

what part of it? the fiske twitter or his niece and nephew's parents? or his sister?

Replying to @likeaboss

#1 lego fan @legosareawesome

all of it? like holy shit how do you stoop that low

Replying to @legoesareawesome

c'est la vie @punkandrock

theres a list of reasons why we dont like being around aunt beatrice, her attitude happens to be one of them

Replying to @punkandrock

the collector @icollectthigns

is talking about dead relatives normal for you all??

Replying to @icollectthings

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Unfortunately, yes. But it's even less common from my kids. My sister was out of line, and anything that may happen after, I will not stop.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

the collector @icollectthings

good, she deserves it

SERVER Cahills Only

Hamilton: hey alistair can you pass the pee cheese?

Madison: stop saying it like that!

Hamilton: it annoys you, so no

Reagan: youre annoying

Hamilton: why thank you

Ian: Has anyone seen Amy and Dan? Or Fiske?

Ian: Fiske said he was watching them but I haven't seen any of them since they returned.

Alistair: I haven't. Best to leave them alone for now, Fiske has it handled.

Alistair: Ever since he returned to the family, even though he is still an Outcast, the two have been arguing about everything.

Nellie: yeah it isnt pretty

Nellie: its especially bad when they start arguing about the kiddos or grace

Jonah: i caught the end of one when phoenix and i came back to the mansion after the whole vesper thing, yikes

Jonah: most awkward 10 minutes of my life

Hamilton: it cant be that bad

Jonah: ham, hammer, hammy

Jonah: my guy

Jonah: if the two of them are in the same room together, RUN

Sinead: I was also there, trust what Jonah says.

Hamilton: note to self, stay away from all cahill sibling arguments

Reagan: wait whats an outcast

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

i realize i may have made some mistakes, please dont question my cousins about this at all

Replying to @JonahWizard

#1 lego fan @legosareawesome

THEYRE YOUR COUSINS?!

Replying to @JonahWizard

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Jonah.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

FUCKGIN SHIT uH

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

I AM NOT TAKING QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM CURRENTLY RUNNING FOR MY ACTUAL LIFE

Replying to @JonahWizard

Mr C @FiskeCahill

JONAH WIZARD ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!

Replying to @JonahWizard

Mini Wizard ✓ @PhoenixWizard

rip

Trending

#fiskecahill

#jonahwizardcousins

#phoenixwizard

Chapter Text

SERVER Cahills Only

Fiske: Jonah.

Fiske: Wizard.

Fiske: ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

Fiske: I WILL GET YOUR FATHER NEXT!

Ian: He's gone, I didn't catch where he was heading though.

Ready player Phoenix

Phoenix: were at lax

Phoenix: hes going to toseifwrgrw

Fiske: @Hamilton

Hamilton: yo

Fiske: Where are you going?

Hamilton: toaefgirjhttrdvbnm

Ian: That's extremely helpful.

ames @catsandbooks39

rip jonah wizard

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

he will be missed

Replying to @catsandbooks39

Reagan @thebettertwin

is he actually dead or?

Replying to @thebettertwin

ames @catsandbooks39

uncle fiske wouldn't go that far, last i heard he's getting a flight to find him

Replying to @catsandbooks39

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

If he needs to know, I let him stay at my place in Tokyo.

Replying to @AlistairOh

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Thank you, Alistair. I'll be there tomorrow. With Broderick.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

I'll have someone pick you up from the airport.

SERVER buzzfeed unsolved twitter edition

likeaboss: so were using the server from now on?

icollectthings: at least until we know theyre distracted from us

iloveironman: still reeling about how they found us the last time

iloveironman: couldnt react from shock to the whole beatrice incident

legoesareawesome: yeah theres something seriously wrong with this family

icollectthings: at least we have more info to work with

icollectthings: four of them are related

likeaboss: four?

icollectthings: if jonah is related to amy and dan, then hes related to fiske

likeaboss: yeah okay that slipped my mind

iloveironman: but how are they related?

likeaboss: id say someone married but that makes zero sense considering fiske isnt

icollectthings: HE ISNT?

icollectthings: LITERALLY HOW? HES SO FINE

legoesareawesome: STOP THIRSTING OVER THEIR UNCLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

icollectthings: STOP BEING SO AFRAID OF THE TRUTH

likeaboss: you know, i kind of agree with them now

legosareawesome: WHY

icollectthings: THANK YOU

likeaboss: the surfing video, jonahs selfie, that man definitely works out

iloveironman: oh my god

legosareawesome: why did i agree to join this

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

i have been betrayed

@AlistairOh how could you

Replying to @JonahWizard

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

Very easily, actually.

Replying to @AlistairOh

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

 omg

Replying to @JonahWizard

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

If it makes you feel any better, I think your new single is... what did Dan say? Ah, a bop.

Replying to @AlistairOh

dan the man @ninjalord

this is the greatest timeline ever

Trending

#alistairoh

#jonahwizardnewsingle

#ripjonahwizard

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

GUYS WHY IS #ripjonahwizard TRENDING?

IM NOT DEAD

Replying to @JonahWizard

ames @catsandbooks39

sometimes i can still hear his voice

Replying to @catsandbooks39

dan the man @ninjalord

thats just his new single

SERVER Cahills Only

It's a bird! It's a plane! Never mind, it's just Broderick.

Broderick: I apologize Fiske, this situation shouldn't have escalated.

Jonah: m sorry fiske

Fiske: It's as alright as it can be. Let's just hope the media vultures aren't as smart as the Ekats.

Sinead: Don't worry about that, I had some Ekats take down whatever was up.

Fiske: Thank you, Sinead.

Sinead: No problem.

Ian: Some of the Lucians are doing damage control and going through with the Ekats to make sure it doesn't get out again.

Ned: The only time our branches can actually work together is when the whole family is at risk.

Natalie: Sometimes it just be like that.

Jonah: it be like that too much

Jonah: btw everything up to what i sent to alistair earlier is gone

Sinead: Double checking, aaand now it's gone for good.

Fiske: Good.

Evan @computerwizard

Do I even want to know what happened this past month?

Reply to @computerwizard

ames @catsandbooks39

no, no you don't

Replying to @computerwizard

dan the man @ninjalord

the usual chaos

Replying to @catsandbooks39

Evan @computerwizard

Noted.

@ninjalord Also noted.

Replying to @computerwizard

Jake @wakeandjake

I've learned to tune it out at this point.

Replying to @wakeandjake

Evan @computerwizard

Teach me your ways.

SERVER hey siri how far can i punt ian's tablet?

Sinead: I'm so tired of this.

Amy: of what?

Sinead: The whole secret thing. Like I understand why, our family is ancient. It just gets so...

Natalie: Tiring?

Amy: awkward?

Nellie: annoying?

Sinead: All of the above.

Reagan: yeah its not getting better either

Amy: remember interpol? uncle fiske had tp have half of the lucian connections take me and dan off of every wanted poster around the world

Nellie: tp

Amy: :/

Madison: how did he do that anyways?

Amy: uncle fiske is still the leader of the family, i'm not going to be ever i don't want that

Amy: one night when i got back late he was in a video call with ian and the government side of the lucian branch trying to talk to them and fix it

Amy: they found the woman who plastered mine and dan's faces on everything and uncle fiske threatened to sue her for everything she had if she didn't fix it

Amy: from what ian told me apparently the woman broke down crying as she worked live to remove the red notices on us

Nellie: im still mad at him, but hes a badass whenever he wants to be, which is often (showoff)

Natalie: Was this the same day Ian came home looking like he was mad at everything?

Amy: probably, it took a lot out of the two of them

Natalie: Can't blame them then.

Eisenhower Holt ✓ @headholt

Hm.

@FiskeCahill Not a big fan of you being here. 

Replying to @headholt

Mr C @FiskeCahill

I could say the same, but I don't like agreeing with you.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Eisenhower Holt ✓ @headholt

You will regret that.

Replying to @headholt

Mr C @FiskeCahill

I have many regrets, but this will not be one of them.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Eisenhower Holt ✓ @headholt

You will the next time I see you.

Replying to @headholt

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Who kicked ass last time? Oh right, me.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Eisenhower Holt ✓ @headholt

Just for that, I'm coming a day earlier.

Replying to @headholt

Mr C @FiskeCahill

Oh, I'm so scared.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

dan the man @ninjalord

uh @catsandbooks39 you might want to find the medkit

Replying to @ninjalord

ames @catsandbooks39

already found it

Replying to @catsandbooks39

c'est la vie @punkandrock

this next week is going to be shit

Chapter Text

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Amy: @Fiske the holts are here early?

Fiske: Eisenhower didn’t like me saying I wouldn’t regret agreeing with him.

Fiske: I still don’t.

Dan: nice

Amy: should i let them in?

Fiske: Might as well.

Nellie: this is going to be awful

Dan: i think you mean amazing

Nellie: i do not

Dan: i still think we shouldve invited uncle shep

Amy: he’s not a cahill, dan

Dan: i know

Fiske: Nellie, why are you complaining?

Fiske: You wont even be here.

Nellie: THATS RIGHT I FORGOT

SERVER one big unhappy family (adult edition)

Alistair: It’s good to see most of you again.

Fiske: Likewise.

Mary-Todd: Most?

Alistair: That is what I said.

Beatrice: Why did this even get approved?

Fiske: You know, you don’t have to come.

Bae: Please don’t.

Mary-Todd: Let’s avoid fighting?

Eisenhower: Too late. Cahill over there already started one.

Fiske: I don’t recall.

Eisenhower: That’s it! You, me, the front yard!

Bae: Because that went so well the last time.

Eisenhower: YOU’RE NEXT!

Alistair: At least let the rest of us arrive before you start.

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Ian: Is this the real life?

Amy: is this just fantasy?

Sinead: Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Jonah: open your eyes, look up to the skies and see

Dan: im just a poor boy, i need no sympathy

Phoenix: because im easy come, easy go

Reagan: little high, little low

Ned: Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me

Madison: mama, just killed a man

Hamilton: put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now hes dead

Natalie: Mama, life had just begun

Amy: but now i've gone and thrown it all away

Jonah: mama, ooh, didnt mean to make you cry

Ian: If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Hamilton: carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

Phoenix: too late, my time has come

Reagan: sends shivers down my spine, bodys aching all the time

Madison: goodbye, everybody, ive got to go

Sinead: Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Ned: Mama, ooh (any way the wind blows)

SERVER one big unhappy family (adult edition)

Eisenhower: LET ME AT HIM, HONEY!

Eisenhower: I'LL KNOCK THAT SMUG SMIRK RIGHT OFF HIS FACE!

Beatrice: You may be a Tomas, but you wouldn't last five minutes against him.

Eisenhower: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Beatrice: Fiske is my brother. I've known him forever, you've known him for a week at best.

Mary-Todd: Sugar cookie, let's not do this.

Mary-Todd: Well, not today anyways. You have to have an audience.

Eisenhower: I'm listening.

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Ian: I don't wanna die

Sinead: I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Amy: i see a little silhouetto of a man

Dan: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Natalie: THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING, VERY, VERY FRIGHTENING ME

Madison: (Galileo) Galileo, (Galileo) Galileo, GALILEO FIGARO, MAGNIFICO

Phoenix: but im just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Reagan: hes just a poor boy from a poor family

Jonah: spare him his life from this monstrosity

Ned: Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Madison: بِسْمِ ٱللَّٰه

Hamilton: no, we will not let you go (let him go)

Dan: بِسْمِ ٱللَّٰهِ

Natalie: We will not let you go (let him go)

Phoenix: بِسْمِ ٱللَّٰهِ

Ian: We will not let you go (let me go)

Ned: Will not let you go (let me go)

Reagan: will not let you go (never, never, never, never let me go)

Sinead: No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Amy: oh, mamma mia, mamma mia

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Nellie: so hows it going with the family reunion?

Fiske: Horrible. Awful. Stupid idea.

Fiske: I'm supposed to fight Eisenhower tomorrow.

Nellie: LOL OH MY GOD

Nellie: PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE RECORD YOU BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

Fiske: I don't want this.

Fiske: Save me.

Nellie: FUCK no

Nellie: ive earned this week of solitude from your batshit crazy family

Fiske: Ugh.

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Jonah: mamma mia, let me go

Ned: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

Reagan: so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

Hamilton: so you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Amy: oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby

Ian: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Dan: ooh

Sinead: Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah

Phoenix: nothing really matters, anyone can see

Natalie: Nothing really matters

Ted: Nothing really matters to me

Amy: TED!

Jonah: YO TED

Dan: TEEEEEEED

Reagan: HI TED

Ted: Hello.

Ted: I was told to inform you of the fight tomorrow?

Amy: oh god they’re still going to do it?

Dan: im recording it

Jonah: are you sure thats a good idea?

Dan: im just sending it to nellie

Jonah: what if we livestream it

Amy: no

Ian: We’ve had enough trouble for one month.

Jonah: fair

Chapter Text

SERVER blink twice if you need help

Jake: It’s quiet.

Jake: Too quiet.

Jake: What’s going on?

Evan: Amy mentioned a family reunion, but she didn't say how long.

Evan: She went offline shortly after, so did Dan and the others.

Atticus: Probably the whole week.

Atticus: That's what Dan said the other day anyways.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Amy: for the record this is a stupid idea

Beatrice: I tried to warn Eisenhower.

Beatrice: My sister was right about one thing, this family is stubborn.

Bae: Speak for yourself.

Dan: yeah

Eisenhower: This is not going to go the way you think.

Ian: Eisenhower, have you ever even seen Fiske fight?

Reagan: he fights like a madman

Fiske: Because I am.

Eisenhower: YOU'RE STILL AN OUTCAST! WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?

Fiske: Because Grace left us the original mansion which was burned down by who again? Oh, that's right, you.

Beatrice: THAT WAS HIM?!

Amy: ...

Dan: ...

Fiske: Yes, dear sister. That was him.

Beatrice: Kick his ass, baby brother.

DMS Dan and Nellie

Nellie: tell me you got it

Dan: i got you

Dan: [The video starts off showing a crowd of people gathered in front of a huge mansion. From Alistair Oh to many of the others. The crowd formed a circle around two people, Eisenhower Holt and Fiske himself.

Eisenhower laughed. "I'd give up if I were you, Cahill. No need to embarrass yourself."

"The only one who will leave embarrassed today is you." Fiske sniffed, a decent amount of space away from the larger man.

"You shouldn't even be here! Outcasts aren't supposed to be around family!"

"If I wasn't supposed to be here, then why did Grace leave the mansion to me and my children? You're lucky I'm even letting you onto the property."

"Maybe the old witch went crazy when she wrote her will, who knows."

Fiske's neutral expression became angry. In an instant he was an inch from Eisenhower's face. "You'd better take that back, Holt."

The giant of a man laughed again and leaned down until his face was an inch from Fiske's. "Or what?"

There was a sharp crack as Fiske's fist collides with Eisenhower's nose. Those in front of the camera winced collectively. Beatrice and the Oh's looked smug.

"Ooh, that's gotta hurt." Jonah muttered, wincing.

"Not many people can one up my dad, but Fiske? Man, that dude hits hard." Hamilton said.

"That, was for everything you put my kids through."

Hit hard he did. A woman, Mary-Todd, rushed over and pulled him out of the circle, fretting over his nose. Which Fiske had broken. The older man walked back to his side and Amy and Dan ran over to him.

"Are you okay, Uncle Fiske?" Amy asked.

"I am now, dear."

The video cuts when Eisenhower attempts to pull away from Mary-Todd to attack Fiske.]

Nellie: holy shit

Dan: yeah

Nellie: broke eisenhowers nose in one hit

Dan: i think he was still mad at him for the fire, the explosion, and so on

Dan: insulting grace right to his face sent him over the edge

Nellie: actually i think he was over the edge after the fire

Nellie: he wanted to help you two so bad

Nellie: more than he had already

Dan: i wish he did

SERVER blink twice if you need help

Atticus: DAN JUST SENT ME THE BETS VIDEO!

Jake: Bets

Evan: Bets

Atticus: So you don't want to see it?

Jake: You better send it, Att.

Atticus: [video from Dan]

Jake: Oh my God.

Evan: Is he okay?

Jake: Who?

Evan: Fiske.

Atticus: Yeah he's fine.

Evan: That's good.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Eisenhower: YOU'RE DEAD, CAHILL!

Eisenhower: YOU HEAR ME?

Fiske: Yes, yes. You've only yelled it at me twelve times since we got back inside.

Fiske: I'll say this once, Holt.

Fiske: Come near me or my kids again with the intent of harming us and I will make you regret it.

Jonah: i think you already did

Eisenhower: HA! The old man wishes!

Bae: I believe it's my turn next?

Eisenhower: What the hell is this?

Bae: A chess board.

Bae: Surely you know how to play?

Alistair: Oh, this'll be interesting.

Eisenhower: Of course I know how to play chess!

Bae: Well then, let's begin.

DMS Dan and Nellie

Dan: [a video of Bae and Eisenhower playing chess, Eisenhower flips the board when he loses in four turns]

Nellie: I WISH I WAS THERE

Dan: you could always come back early

Nellie: never mind i dont need that smug bastard asking if i missed him

Dan: lol

SERVER one big unhappy family

Ian: Eisenhower is terrible at chess, who saw that coming?

Eisenhower: Quiet, Kabra!

Eisenhower: You probably aren’t much better!

Ian: Against an Ekat? Probably not. Against you? Definitely.

Eisenhower: Listen here, you little shit.

Natalie: Or what?

Eisenhower: ...Never mind.

Natalie: That's what I thought.

Bae: Thanks for an easy game, Holt.

Eisenhower: Yeah, yeah. You got lucky.

Sinead: That's not how that works...

Broderick: In his dreams it does.

Eisenhower: Oi!

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Hamilton: man fiske was MAD

Hamilton: he probably couldve taken dad head on if he wanted to

Dan: he was about to, but he didnt

Madison: the last time he was that angry was when we fought the vespers

Reagan: did we really do that much?

Amy: well...

Amy: kinda?

Reagan: sorry

Madison: sorry

Hamilton: shit, sorry

Amy: i started forgiving you after you saved me from isabel and the sharks

Jonah: the WHAT 

Ned: ???

Ted: ???

Ian: Yes, our evil mother wanted to talk to Amy so she had me lure her to the boat and nearly threw her overboard. Hamilton was paragliding at the time and grabbed Amy before she could.

Madison: THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

Amy: yes

Dan: yes

Ian: Yes.

Natalie: I didn't hear about this?

Ian: She didn't want you to know, I didn't either but for different reasons.

Amy: when uncle fiske heard from nellie about it he was going to step in himself and not be the man in black anymore

Dan: wait he was?

Amy: yeah, that's what nellie said

Dan: WE COULDVE HAD BADASS UNCLE FISKE ON OUR SIDE? AND ONLY OUR SIDE?

Amy: yup

Dan: why is the world cruel to us?

Jonah: wait what do you mean only your side?

Amy: um

Amy: dan?

Dan: uncle fiske and mr mcintyer were the ones trying to even out the teams so no one would be able to win

Natalie: So why didn't he join?

Amy: self restraint probably, he is still an outcast

Ian: What a shame, he would've been a nice challenge.

Sinead: Agreed.

Reagan: so whats an outcast?

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family

Fiske: @Everyone Breakfast!

Dan: cinnamon rolls?

Fiske: Yes.

Dan: YESSSSSSSSS

Hamilton: HELL YEAH

Natalie: Save me one!

Dan: better get down here then

Ian: Why must you wake us so early in the morning?

Dan: for the best food ever duh

Ian: I wouldn't say Fiske is my favorite cook, but he's up there.

Dan: im eating your cinnamon roll for that

Ian: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

Mary-Todd: Thank you, Fiske.

Alistair: Yes, thank you.

Amy: when is nellie coming back, uncle fiske?

Nellie: well if you would get down here already youd see that im already back

Eisenhower: Why did Amy just run past our room?

Mary-Todd: Nellie is back.

Nellie: i am >:)

Fiske: Don't.

Nellie: youre no fun

Sinead: I'm dragging Ned and Ted down.

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Ian: @Amy @Dan One of you get this little monster away from me!

Ian: Let me eat in peace!

Dan: just pet him and hell leave you alone

Dan: weve told you this

Ian: I have! He hissed at me!

Jonah: still cant believe the little dude hates you

Ian: Does he like you?

Jonah: oh yeah

Ian: Can you get him away from me?

Jonah: sure thing

Ian: Thank you.

Dan: coward

Ian: HE HISSED AT ME!

Dan: sounds like a coward to me

Natalie: He likes me just fine.

Ian: WHY IS IT JUST ME?!

Amy: we can figure that out later

Ian: Wait no

Dan: oh but yes

Ian: NO!

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Nellie: come on just let me torment the guy once

Nellie: i think i deserve it after being forced to sit next to hamilton on the train and watched like a hawk

Fiske: I broke his nose, I thinks that's enough.

Nellie: do you think i wont be intimidating or something

Fiske: No comment.

Nellie: HEY

SERVER one big unhappy family

Beatrice: Why is Dan chasing Ian around with Saladin?

Nellie: in a minute its gonna be me chasing fiske

Fiske: In your dreams.

Ian: GET THAT LITTLE MONSTER AWAY FROM ME!

Ian: BOTH OF THEM!

Dan: aw but he LOVES you

Ian: NO HE DOESN'T!

Ian: STOP IT!

Dan: just pet him

Ian: I'LL GET FISKE!

Fiske: Pet the cat, Ian.

Ian: AILSDHAIWJDWEDAFGEKRGH

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Nellie: because you were so not scared when i chased you with that surfboard

Fiske: I wasn't.

Nellie: OH THAT IS IT

Fiske: BRING IT!

Nellie: GET BACK HERE YOU SMUG BASTARD

Nellie: SO MUCH FOR NOT BEING SCARED HUH?

Fiske: YOU HAVE A KNIFE!

Nellie: AND?

Fiske: I'M DEFENSELESS!

Nellie: DONT GIVE ME THAT SHIT OLD MAN IVE SEEN YOU FIGHT

SERVER one big unhappy family

Eisenhower: Do any of us even want to know?

Alistair: I think I'm good.

Bae: Seconded.

Broderick: I'll pass.

Reagan: i still dont know what an outcast is

Beatrice: Someone who has been completely cut off from the family, no contact with anyone.

Reagan: then whys fiske here

Beatrice: Reasons.

Reagan: that are?

Beatrice: None of your concern.

Ian: Are you two sure you're not Lucians?

Beatrice: Positive.

Beatrice: Don't flatter yourself, the two of us would rather be anything but Lucian.

Amy: make that four

Natalie: Ouch.

Nellie: GET BACK HERE

Fiske: MAKE ME!

Dan: woah deja vu

DMS Dan and Ian

Dan: just once

Ian: No!

Dan: its not like hes going to kill you

Dan: hes not one of our relatives

Ian: Well, you're not completely wrong.

Ian: But I'm still not doing it!

Dan: how am i not wrong

Ian: He's your family, not mine.

Dan: and you are my cousin twenty times removed, youre also family

Ian: I'm not doing it, Daniel.

Dan: did you just daniel me?

Ian: I did, what about it?

Dan: this is your fault then

SERVER one big unhappy family

Alistair: That did not sound good.

Beatrice: What part of it? The Kabra screaming or the sound of something breaking?

Alistair: Both?

Bae: At least Nellie stopped chasing Fiske with the knife.

Eisenhower: That's your bright side?

Bae: Well, what would yours be?

Eisenhower: That Nellie no longer looks like she's going to murder me.

Hamilton: uh oh

Jonah: were so dead

Fiske: So, who broke it?

Amy: i did, i broke it

Fiske: No, no you didn't. Ned?

Ned: Don't look at me. Look at Ted.

Ted: What? I didn't break it.

Ned: Huh. That's weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Ted: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Ned: Suspicious.

Jonah: if it matters, probably not, but hamilton was the last one near it

Hamilton: liar! i was in the other room!

Jonah: oh really? then why did i see you by it earlier?

Hamilton: because i happened to leave my shoes by the front door like a normal person?

Amy: okay okay, lets not fight! i broke it, let me pay for it uncle fiske

Fiske: No! Who broke it?!

Ted: Fiske, Natalie's been awfully quiet.

Natalie: REALLY?!

Nellie: and now theyre all fighting each other

Nellie: great job fiske

Beatrice: So who broke it?

Fiske: I broke it. It hurt my hand, so I punched it.

Fiske: I predict ten minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Beatrice: Good, it was getting a little chummy around here.

Eisenhower: You are one evil little man.

Fiske: Takes one to know one.

Alistair: You were right, this is amusing.

Broderick: Some of the kids don't even know what the hell is going on and they're being dragged into it anyways.

Madison: pls help

Madison: sos

Reagan: let us out

Phoenix: i dont want to be here anymore

Eisenhower: GOOD LUCK, SOLDIERS!

Madison: NOOOOOOOO

Dan: now that thats sorted out... OH IAN~

Ian: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Nellie: IF ANYONE FUCKING BREAKS ANYTHING AGAIN IM GROUNDING YOU, PARENT OR NOT

Fiske: No you're not.

Nellie: forget grounding anyone im just going to kill you

Nellie: @Beatrice hold him down

Beatrice: He's already gone.

Nellie: GOD DAMN IT

Chapter Text

ces't la vie @punkandrock

kill me

Replying to @punkandrock

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

what happened now?

Replying to @JonahWizard

ces't la vie @punkandrock

these three decided to go and get sick

Replying to @punkandrock

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

yikes good luck with that

Replying to @JonahWizard

ces't la vie @punkandrock

its not that bad this time

Replying to @punkandrock

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Yes it is.

Replying to @IanKabra

ces't la vie @punkandrock

okay its bad, why do i speak?

Replying to @punkandrock

Hamilton @HHolt

that was actually ian

Replying to @HHolt

ces't la vie @punkandrock

youre right, @IanKabra why do you speak

Replying to @punkandrock

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Because if I don't I'd explode.

Replying to @IanKabra

ces't la vie @punkandrock

really?? by all means please dont

Replying to @punkandrock

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Just like that I'm immortal.

Replying to @IanKabra

ces't la vie @punkandrock

punk ass bitch

Replying to @punkandrock

ames @catsandbooks39

uncle fiske escaped

Replying to @catsandbooks39

ces't la vie @punkandrock

i swear to fucking god

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Nellie: FISKE CAHILL GET YOUR ASS BACK IN YOUR ROOM

Fiske: I'M FINE!

Fiske: LET ME WORK!

Nellie: NO YOURE NOT

Fiske: YES I AM!

Nellie: SAY THAT TO THE LUNGS YOURE COUGHING UP

Nellie: IF FISKE CANT LEAVE HIS ROOM NEITHER CAN YOU DAN

Dan: LET ME LIVE

Nellie: why is amy the only one following the rules?

Dan: because shes a suck up

Amy: i am not!

Fiske: LET GO OF ME!

Nellie: BACK TO YOUR ROOM

Fiske: I'M THE LEADER OF THE MOST POWERFUL FAMILY IN THE WORLD, I DON'T GET SICK!

Nellie: YEAH IM SURE YOUR HEAD FEELS SOOO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOURE STANDING UP AND WALKING AROUND

ces't la vie @punkandrock

its like im dealing with three children instead of two

ces't la vie @punkandrock

dealing with sick cahills: a thread

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

fiske absolutely refuses to rest so i have to force him to lay the fuck down and sleep (if that means cutting the cords in the house I WILL)

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

the man once locked me in his office just so he could grab his laptop and run (the doors lock from the inside of the room idk why he thought it would be a good idea)

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

one more since this man cannot take a fucking hint- when i say rest because youre coughing up a lung, FUCKING REST

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

dan once tried climbing out his bedroom window, he fell and almost broke his arm

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

another time he found every piece of candy in the house and ate half of it before getting even sicker

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

amy is the only good one, fiske got her a kindle with every single book she could possibly want so she just stays in her room

Replying to @punkandrock

ces't la vie @punkandrock

i always find them cuddled together in amys room at the end of the day like i just did

SERVER Cahills Only

Sinead: @Nellie Show us.

Ian: Yes, show.

Nellie: ???

Sinead: The end of your last tweet.

Nellie: ohh

Nellie: i got this one like five minutes before i made that thread

Nellie: [Amy, Dan and Fiske are cuddled together on Amy's bed. Fiske is in the middle with Dan on his left and Amy on his right. the three are fast asleep, Amy's kindle and Fiske's laptop at the foot of the bed]

Nellie: they were watching men in black

Hamilton: a good choice

Ian: Fitting.

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

why is this family more chaotic than mine

Replying to @iloveironman

i collect things @thecollector

@punkandrock can we see the pic? or literally anything about them?

Replying to @thecollector

ces't la vie @punkandrock

no

Replying to @punkandrock

i collect things @thecollector

to?

Replying to @thecollector

ces't la vie @punkandrock

no

Replying to @punkandrock

The Wizard ✓ @JonahWizard

so were gatekeeping the cahills now?

Replying to @JonahWizard

ces’t la vie @punkandrock

now?? bitch ive BEEN gatekeeping them since mr mcintyre and grace hired me, all three of them

Replying to @punkandrock

Hamilton @HHolt

the og cahill stan

Replying to @HHolt

ces’t la vie @punkandrock

never call me that again

SERVER one big unhappy family (adult edition)

Nellie: fucking finally

Alistair: Some peace and quiet?

Nellie: yes, i thought it would never happen

Beatrice: Fiske never used to be like this whenever he was sick.

Nellie: maybe being an uncle slash dad changed him

Nellie: for the better obviously

Eisenhower: I cannot believe the man who managed to break my nose in one hit was beaten by the flu a season later.

Fiske: I HAVEN'T BEEN DEFEATED YET!

Fiske: STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M DEAD!

Eisenhower: It's like I can still hear his voice.

Broderick: Those are just the death threats.

Fiske: SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Bae: Good luck.

Beatrice: Goodbye.

Fiske: GOODBYE???

Nellie: GET BACK IN BED

Fiske: SHITHEHSZJDJDN

Starling 1 @SStarling

Fun fact: I’ve rewired the mansion three times because they wont rest when they’re sick. This is number 3.

Replying to @SStarling

ces’t la vie @punkandrock

next time itll be the satellite

Replying to @punkandrock

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

SATELLITE??

Replying to @punkandrock

Starling 1 @SStarling

No please! Anything but that!

Replying to @punkandrock

Starling 2 @NStarling

Please don't, it'll take us forever to fix.

Replying to @NStarling

ces't la vie @punkandrock

liar i know you three can have it fixed in four hours at the most

Replying to @punkandrock

i collect things @thecollector

whats the least?

Replying to @thecollector

ces't la vie @punkandrock

like 30 minutes, depending on how bad it is

Replying to @punkandrock

i collect things @thecollector

what the fuck

Replying to @thecollector

Starling 1 @SStarling

:)

Replying to @thecollector

Starling 2 @NStarling

:)

Replying to @thecollector

Starling 3 @TStarling

:)

Replying to @TStarling

i collect things @thecollector

mom come pick me up im scared

Chapter Text

SERVER Cahills Only

Dan: we need another server

Ian: No, we don't.

Hamilton: yes we do

Dan: see? ham gets me

Hamilton: i got you

Hamilton: what am i agreeing to?

Dan: another server for family game night

Natalie: We have like ten family ones?

Dan: not enough

Fiske: We can just use this one, Dan.

Dan: but uncle shep isnt in here and i invited him!

Amy: we can juts add him

Nellie: juts

Dan: juts

Amy: stop

Fiske: ...Dan is right, we need a new one.

Dan: YEAHHHHHHHHH

SERVER Family Game Night

Welcome, Shep. Leave your weapons by the door.

Shep: gday mates!

Dan: YEAHHHHHHHHH UNCLE SHEP

Hamilton: YEAHHHHHHHH SURFER DUDE

Jonah: YEAHHHHHHH

Atticus: YEAHHHHHHHH

Amy: ugh

Dan: what?

Amy: you

Shep: is this going to get hostile again?

Natalie: Again?

Fiske: He means with what happened back in Australia a few months ago.

Fiske: And no, that's enough you two.

Ian: Get your cat away from me!

Amy: dan!

Dan: hes literally not hurting anyone

Starling 1 @SStarling

I hate family game night.

Replying to @SStarling

ces't la vie @punkandrock

make that two of us

Replying to @punkandrock

Starling 1 @SStarling

Please take out the satellite.

Replying to @SStarling

ces't la vie @punkandrock

i thought you didnt want me to?

Replying to @punkandrock

Starling 1 @SStarling

I don't want to be here anymore.

Replying to @punkandrock

ames @catsandbooks39

please take out the satellite before we lose uncle fiske

Replying to @catsandbooks39

ces't la vie @punkandrock

shit youre right hold on ill see what i can do

SERVER Family Game Night

Ian: This isn't even remotely fair.

Ian: Why should it be you five on one team and the rest of us in two other teams?

Fiske: It's the most logical.

Hamilton: its really not

Shep: i dunno i kind of like these groups

Shep: i dont know most of you

Ian: I suppose that's understandable.

Fiske: So, team one is Shep, Nellie, Amy, Dan and myself.

Fiske: Team two is Ian, Natalie, Hamilton, Reagan and Madison.

Fiske: Team three is Sinead, Jonah, Phoenix, Atticus and Jake.

Fiske: Evan is keeping score.

Fiske: Is that everyone?

Jonah: what about ned and ted?

Sinead: Uncle Alistair took them to therapy, they'll be gone for the day.

Jake: Somehow this will be a disaster, I just know it.

Dan: a fun disaster

Jake: Still a disaster.

Dan: youre boring

Evan: So what are you all playing?

Dan: i have a list

Dan: first is monopoly online

Shep: how does that work with 16 people around the world?

Dan: thats why theres teams, one person in charge of the board

Dan: i nominate uncle fiske

Amy: dan that's a horrible idea

Ian: Explain.

Dan: no

Amy: no

Dan: just think, weve never wanted revenge for anything before and this is the best way to get it

Amy: ...

Amy: i also nominate uncle fiske

Natalie: That's fair.

Reagan: thats fair

Shep: every moment i spend around this family is more confusing than the last

Evan: Yeah that's normal.

DMS Amy and Nellie

Amy: abort mission

Nellie: what why?

Amy: revenge

Nellie: youre sacring me

Amy: its harmless don't worry

Nellie: THATS NOT REASSURING IN THE SLIGHTEST

Nellie: AMY

SERVER Family Game Night

Jonah: YOURE CHEATING

Jonah: THERES NO OTHER WAY

Ian: I SAID THIS WASN'T FAIR! DID I NOT?

Dan: this is uncle fiske what do you mean not fair

Fiske: I'm just good at games.

Natalie: So this is why you two wanted Fiske to be in charge.

Amy: maybe

Nellie: dont get too carried away old man

Nellie: i WILL break the satellite 

Shep: satellite?

Madison: long story short we have a family satellite

Shep: okay?

Fiske: I'm fine.

Sinead: PLEASE BREAK IT GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Fiske: WE'RE ABOUT TO WIN DON'T TOUCH IT!

Sinead: NELLIE PLEASE!

Fiske: DON'T TOUCH IT!

DMS Nellie and Sinead

Sinead: I'm begging you.

Nellie: cant do it hell kill me for sure

Sinead: Is there anyone else who can?

Nellie: alistair?

Sinead: ...

Sinead: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

Sinead: I'm going to go message him then commit a crime.

Nellie: if its murder ill be your alibi

Sinead: Thanks.

DMS Alistair and Sinead

Sinead: Hey Alistair, is there any way you can break the satellite?

Alistair: This is an odd request, dear.

Sinead: It's family game night and I'm going insane.

Alistair: Ah, let me see what I can do.

Sinead: Thank you, you're the best.

Sinead: Don't tell anyone I said that ever.

Alistair: Of course not.

SERVER Family Game Night

Natalie: IAN STOP CHASING ME WITH THAT KNIFE, WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM!

Ian: I'M NOT GOING AFTER YOU, I'M GETTING ON THE NEXT FLIGHT TO BOSTON!

Shep: next youre gonna tell me violent threats are normal

Evan: From my understanding, that's the Cahill way.

Fiske: It is.

Jake: We know the outcome already, can we hurry the fuck up?

Dan: someones bossy

Jake: Dan, I've been sitting here for four hours because we went bankrupt round 2.

Jake: I'm tired, I want to go to bed, please just end the fucking game.

Atticus: You would think the team with the Ekat and myself wouldn't have lost so early.

Sinead: I don't know how many times I have to say I hate family game night.

Phoenix: whys the server down?

Ian: What the hell happened to the internet?

Fiske: @Nellie I SWEAR TO GOD.

Nellie: this wasnt me chill

Amy: can confirm it's not her

Dan: then who?

Nellie: no idea

Nellie: maybe the vespers are back

Shep: who?

Nellie: dont worry about it

Natalie: Please never suggest that again.

Evan: No luck getting the system up and running again, think we're gonna have to end it.

Dan: NO WE WERE WINNING

Ian: IN YOUR DREAMS!

Jonah: FREEDOM

Evan: No surprise at all, Team Cahill wins.

Hamilton: because that name isnt confusing in the slightest

Dan: i thought we agreed on team vine boom

Amy: no you dweeb

Nellie: i thought it was thunderfuckers 3.0

Shep: what happened to the first two thunderfuckers?

Nellie: dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to

Shep: ...understood

Ian: WE'RE HAVING A REMATCH WHEN THE SATELLITE IS FIXED!

Ian: JUST ME AND FISKE!

Fiske: BRING IT!

Fiske: YOU'LL LOSE AGAIN!

Ian: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!

Sinead: I fucking hate family game night.

Jonah: after tonight im right there with you

Chapter Text

DMS Amy and Dan

Amy: dan, where are you?

Dan: im over by the beds

Amy: i just walked through there i didn't see you

Dan: i was on one of them

Dan: idk where uncle fiske went

Amy: you lost uncle fiske?

Dan: he was here with me!

Dan: then he went "im gonna go look at the kitchens dont go far"

Dan: now im over by the legos

Amy: DAN

Amy: YOU LOST UNCLE FISKE

Dan: i literally just told you hes in the kitchen section

Amy: THAT'S ON ANOTHER FLOOR

Amy: HE COULD'VE MOVED BY NOW

Dan: ...

Dan: shit

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Fiske: We don't need to renovate the mansion anymore.

Nellie: then why are we here?

Nellie: also where the fuck are you amys freaking out

Fiske: I told Dan I was going to look at the kitchen section.

Fiske: I don't know what this area is.

Nellie: i dont get paid enough for this shit

Fiske: You don't get paid anymore?

Nellie: EXACTLY

Fiske: Where's the exit to this maze?

Nellie: ill tell you if you give me a raise

Fiske: Nellie, please. I can't

Nellie: shit ill be right there

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Nellie: kiddos stop freaking out i found him

Amy: okay

Dan: okay

Amy: are we still going to walmart

Nellie: yeah

Dan: ugh

Nellie: suck it up dan i dont want to do this either

Dan: its not that its just weve been all over the world and were shopping at WALMART and IKEA

Dan: two of the worst places you can possibly be

Amy: i thought you said ikea was fun?

Dan: it was until we lost uncle fisje

Dan: fisle

Dan: FISKE

Amy: fisje

Nellie: fisle

Dan: IM RUNNING ITS HARDER TO TYPE

Fiske: Stop looking at your phone and running, you'll run into something.

Dan: IM FINHUKJGHJI;OK

Amy: dan!

DMS Dan and Ian

Dan: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Ian: Looking around.

Ian: What are you doing here?

Dan: looking for uncle fiske

Ian: I saw him and Nellie over by the living room section.

Dan: ok bye

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Nellie: QUIT SPLITTING UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Nellie: STAY IN ONE SPOT

Nellie: ALL OF YOU

Dan: YEAH THATS REALLY EASY TO DO

Dan: NOTHING IN OUR LIVES IS EASY WERE CAHILLS

Amy: DAN COME BACK TO THE BEDROOM SECTION I JUST SAW HIM

Dan: YEAH AND I SAW HIM OVER BY THE LIVING ROOM SECTION

Nellie: HES NOT OVER BY EITHER OF THOSE HES IN THE KITCHEN SECTION

Fiske: No, I'm by the door talking to Ian and waiting to leave.

Dan: ...

Amy: ...

Nellie: the fuck is cobra doing here?

Dan: apparently hes window shopping

Amy: that's funny

Dan: right?

Fiske: Regardless, I don't remember whose idea it was to come here and I want to leave.

Fiske: There are too many people...

Amy: uncle fiske are you okay?

Nellie: ive got him you two just get to the exit

DMS Amy and Ian

Ian: Is Fiske alright?

Ian: That didn't look good.

Amy: he's fine now that we're home

Ian: He really can't function around others, can he?

Amy: he likes me, dan and nellie

Ian: Well, other than you three.

Amy: ...he can't

Ian: You don't have to be so worried to tell me things about him.

Ian: I don't exactly have anyone to tell.

Amy: can you blame me?

Ian: I can't, no.

Ian: Surely you must understand what we were all going through now that it's happened?

Amy: i wasn't a fan of it, i didn't like that me and dan were the only two who didn't know anything

Ian: Fiske didn't tell you?

Amy: he told us in jamacia, the whole story

Amy: we've known forever that aunt beatrice didn't want us, uncle fiske didn't know that we were still with grace when he visited her

Amy: she originally wasn't even going to give us to him and try to convince aunt beatrice again but he wouldn't let her

Amy: he said that he could take us away from everything involving the family, and he did

Amy: i didn't know what he meant at the time, i didn't know

Ian: Would you have taken the Clue if you had?

Amy: probably, it was worth it to see aunt beatrice blow up like that

Amy: that's what she gets for trying to talk us out of it

Amy: uncle fiske and grace wanted us to as well

Amy: and dan and i were never poor thank you, we're well off, we just preferred to not show it

Ian: She tried to talk you out of it? How stupid is she?

Amy: apparently she was trying to make up for "not being there for us" or something

Ian: She would never pass as an Ekat, or a Lucian come to think of it.

Ian: We lie better than that.

Amy: yeah...

Ian: I have to go, Natalie is giving me the evil eye.

Amy: dan is starting to now as well

DMS Amy and Dan

Dan: so what were you and cobra talking about

Amy: none of your business dweeb

Dan: IM TELLING UNCLE FISKE

Amy: leave him alone, he doesn't need to deal with us after what happened today

Dan: ...okay

Dan: are you thinking what im thinking?

Amy: movie night?

Dan: movie night

DMS Amy and Fiske

Amy: are you okay, uncle fiske?

Fiske: I am now. Thank you, Amy.

Amy: weve got movies set up

Amy: dan insisted on mission impossible

Fiske: I'll be there in a minute.

ces't la vie @punkandrock

this is all you get, you heathens

[it's an image of Amy, Dan and Fiske cuddled under a giant blanket on the couch. mission impossible 3 is playing on the tv]

Replying to @punkandrock

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

finally, some good fucking food

Replying to @punkandrock

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Again, fitting choice.

Replying to @IanKabra

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

what does this mean

Replying to @likeaboss

Ian Kabra ✓ @IanKabra

Wouldn't you like to know weather boy.

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family

Alistair: To quote Amy, this is stupid, and I don't say that often.

Dan: its just hide and seek what could possibly go wrong

Alistair: You seem to forget this family is excellent at hiding and seeking, Dan.

Dan: that just makes it better

Amy: there's no talking him out of it, trust me i've tried

Jonah: how would i even be able to play? im famous!

Beatrice: You don't have to, you know. I'm not.

Fiske: Buzzkill.

Beatrice: Fiske. I am twenty years older than you. Forgive me if I don't feel like playing a children's game.

Fiske: We were a part of the Hunt when we were no older than Amy and Dan.

Beatrice: You disappeared, I couldn't handle it. There's a difference.

Fiske: I came back.

Beatrice: Because Grace asked you too.

Fiske: She never asked me to raise the kids.

Beatrice: It always comes back to those two for you, doesn't it?

Amy: ...

Dan: ...

Hamilton: now i see what jonah and sinead meant

Alistair: Why don't we put a pin in this for now and get back to Dan's game of hide and seek?

Nellie: great! you all do that, im sitting this adventure out

Ian: Perhaps it could be fun, a game of hide and seek where we aren't trying to kill each other for once.

Reagan: well when you put it like that yeah everything seems fun

Dan: so are we doing this thing?

Hamilton: why not

Dan: only rule no hiding at home

Natalie: What about another country?

Dan: …

Dan: yeah lets do that

Amy: dan!

Alistair: Well, I know where I’m going. And it’s not to play hide and seek, I’ve done that enough. Goodbye.

Fiske: Same.

Alistair: Fiske, could I have your assistance with the thing I mentioned the other day?

Fiske: I’ll be on the next flight.

Jonah: peace out homies

Ian: Natalie, you better not hide in my spot.

Natalie: I’m not even going there you can have it.

Dan: i may have made a mistake

Amy: you think?

Dan: just one hint?

Amy: no, you did this to yourself

Dan: IVE CHECKED EVERY LIBRARY AND MUSEUM

Dan: ITS BEEN A WEEK

Dan: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE EASY TO FIND

Amy: who said i hid in a library or museum?

Nellie: so glad i didnt participate in this one

Dan: IM GETTING HELP THIS IS UNFAIR

Natalie: Hey they were your rules.

Dan: YOU SUGGESTED GLOBAL

Natalie: I don’t recall.

Dan: AJAFELJFWAEWKLDS

DMS Atticus and Dan

Dan: hey att i need your help with something

Atticus: What do you need?

Dan: the location of every cahills cellphone

Atticus: That's... oddly specific.

Dan: hide and seek went horribly wrong

Atticus: Now it makes sense.

Atticus: Let me see what I can do.

Dan: youre the best

Dan: amys being annoying hold

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Amy: @Dan @Dan @Dan

Amy: DAN

Amy: DAN TURN ON HTE NEWS

Dan: what why

Amy: JUST DO IT

Jonah: this is wild yo

Dan: is that uncle fiske and uncle alistair

Ian: Read the headline.

Dan: oh

Dan: oh

Hamilton: yeah

Sinead: Well, that's certainly news to me.

Dan: im gonna call him

Amy: dan!

Dan: what?

Amy: he’s in the middle of an interview!

Dan: and he looks like hed rather be anywhere else

Dan: also i changed his ringtone

Amy: you're going to get us in trouble

Dan: what? its not danger zone anymore

Madison: i remember when you made it barbie girl

Dan: that was a good one

Dan: alright calling him

Ian: Your funeral.

Hamilton: LMAOOO

Reagan: thats amazing

Jonah: is that back in black?

Madison: im surprised that you know anything that isnt your brand

Jonah: im a janus, i know all bands and artists

Amy: he's glaring at the camera

Dan: ill worry about that later

Sinead: Alistair's letting him go?

Natalie: Alistair seems to know more about Fiske than the rest of us.

Amy: well we are cousins

Ian: Alistair cannot keep a straight face, is this an Ekat trait?

Ned: Hardly.

Sinead: We're geniuses, lying is easy.

Amy: that's... something to think about

Sinead: Just the truth.

Dan: just got off the phone with uncle fiske, games over

Dan: family meeting when they get back (that means everyone)

Ian: Oh joy, another meeting.

Hamilton: does this mean you lost?

Dan: nope

Dan: [a screenshot Atticus gave him of everyone's locations]

Dan: found you all minus the adults because theyre boring and didnt play

Amy: that's cheating!

Dan: no thats called being creative with how i hunt

Dan: im not getting on twenty different flights

Natalie: Touché.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Beatrice: Is anyone going to explain anything?

Alistair: Yes, my dear uncle Bae killed my father so he could be the leader of the Ekats.

Alistair: There was a list of other crimes, but this one was the main focus of the media.

Alistair: Why do you think I would've let Isabel kill him?

Dan: it makes sense now

Fiske: It's done now, Alistair is the new leader of the Ekaterinas.

Sinead: Everything is fine, everything is the way it's supposed to be.

Ned: Finally.

Ted: Never liked Bae anyways.

Hamilton: is that a danny phantom quote?

Hamilton: from SINEAD?

Sinead: I do watch peak, you know.

Hamilton: i approve

Hamilton: of the quote and uncle alistair as leader

Eisenhower: Congrats, Alistair.

Broderick: Yes, congrats.

Alistair: Thank you. I hope I will do better than my uncle had.

Fiske: You'll do fine, Alistair.

Dan: you know what this calls for?

Amy: we're not throwing a party, dan

Dan: uncle fiske?

Fiske: After last time there was any sort of party?

Dan: THAT WAS IANS FAULT

Dan: HE WOULDNT PET SALADIN

Ian: I DIDN'T BREAK THE VASE!

Dan: please?

Dan: i never ask for anything

Sinead: He's right we should celebrate.

Alistair: No. Please.

Fiske: I don't see why not.

Alistair: Why?

Sinead: Why not?

Chapter Text

Local News Network ✓ @LNN

Who really are the Cahills? Why have they been seen all over the world with celebrities? What's with the constant criminal record? Read more here: [link]

Replying to @LNN

ces't la vie @punkandrock

oh fuck @FiskeCahill 

Replying to @punkandrock

Mr C @FiskeCahill

For the love of god.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

I hate the media.

Replying to @FiskeCahill

Starling 1 @SStarling

Say the word and we'll have them taken care of.

Replying to @SStarling

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

By taken care of do you mean the account taken down or the other way?

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 1 @SStarling

Yes.

Replying to @SStarling

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

Sinead, no.

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 2 @NStarling

Sinead, yes.

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 3 @TStarling

Sinead, yes.

Replying to @NStarling

Alistair Oh ✓ @AlistairOh

Not helping, you two!

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 1 @SStarling

:)

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 2 @NStarling

:)

Replying to @AlistairOh

Starling 3 @TStarling

:)

Trending

#thecahills

#thestarlings

#lnn

SERVER one big unhappy family (adult edition)

Fiske: Everyone's read the article?

Alistair: Regretfully.

Broderick: Yes.

Beatrice: Unfortunately.

Mary-Todd: Some of these ideas are ridiculous. Criminals?

Beatrice: Well, if you want to go there, they're not wrong.

Beatrice: But even I wouldn't tell them that.

Eisenhower: What are you implying?

Beatrice: Oh, nothing.

Fiske: Enough!

Fiske: Alright, first thing's first-

Bae Oh has been removed from the server

Alistair: Finally.

Fiske: Secondly, the Interpol situation should have been scrubbed from the media.

Alistair: It was, we made sure of that.

Fiske: We'll deal with that little bit of information later.

Fiske: Finally, how do we deal with the rest of it?

Fiske: Celebrity notices, the other crimes, and the links to "unsolved" or wrongly accused murders?

Eisenhower: By unsolved murders do you mean them?

Fiske: Yes, I mean Hope and Arthur and anyone else Isabel may have killed.

Alistair: We should've known she wasn't going to visit them to be friendly.

McIntyre just joined. Everyone, look busy!

McIntyre: Hello, everyone. Master Cahill has informed me of the... unfortunate situation.

McIntyre: I will do my best to make sure it is taken care of.

Fiske: Thank you, Mr McIntyre.

McIntyre: I'll work as fast as I can. For now, just lay low. That goes for everyone.

Fiske: Understood.

the collector @icollectthings

another low blow from the media holy shit

Replying to @thecollector

JUMP OUT THE WINDOW @likeaboss

and right before christmas too

Replying to @likeaboss

#1 lego fan @legosareawesome

shit thats right i completely forgot

Replying to @likeaboss

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

hope they can at least have a normal christmas without the media poking their noses in their lives

Replying to @iloveironman

ces't la vie @punkandrock

we do too for once

Replying to @punkandrock

iron man is the best avenger @iloveironman

what?

Replying to @iloveironman

ces't la vie @punkandrock

what?

Replying to @iloveironman

dan the man @ninjalord

[the gif "the numbers, Mason! what do they mean?]

SERVER Cahills Only

Fiske: Because of the articles the news networks have been posting, there will have to be some changes.

Fiske: No public appearances with any currently famous Cahills. That goes for Jonah, Alistair, Ian and Natalie, Eisenhower and Mary-Todd and others I will have to inform.

Ian: Got it.

Natalie: Will do.

Jonah: no problem mr c

Fiske: As for getting rid of the articles, McIntyre is on it.

Amy: i'm glad he's doing better, but what about us?

Amy: half of that article was about me and dan

Fiske: The laying low part goes for you two as well.

Amy: okay

Hamilton: what about us?

Fiske: I wouldn't risk anything with who your parents are.

Fiske: The only ones who don't have to worry too much about anything are the Starlings, the Rosenblooms and Evan but I'd still follow everyone else just to be safe.

Sinead: I'll inform Ned and Ted.

Dan: ill tell everyone else you just mentioned

SERVER just a couple of dudes being guys (show me your dick steve)

Dan: did you guys see the articles?

Jake: Yeah, what's up with all of that?

Dan: no idea, mac is on the case though

Atticus: I thought you said everything was taken down?

Dan: clearly SOME people didnt get the memo and somehow had backups that the starlings and alistair missed

Dan: or theres another mole in the family

Dan: either is possible

Evan: Another mole?

Evan: Does your family ever catch a break?

Dan: whats that word? break?

Jake: You all need a vacation. And not the week long one you spent in Australia. I mean a year long one.

Dan: THANK YOU ive been TRYING to tell uncle fiske that for the past YEAR

Atticus: Enough about the Cahill family's endless drama, what are the plans for Christmas?

Atticus: You need a better idea than a life sized gingerbread house.

Dan: ive already got some ideas for that actually ill have you join the committee with the holts and the starlings

Dan: and uncle fiske told me to tell you that youre all invited to the big christmas party we have

Evan: Really?

Jake: I'll tell our dad.

Atticus: Okay.

Dan: hes invited too

SERVER the prank war masters

Jake joined the party.

A wild Atticus appeared.

Evan joined. You must construct additional polygons.

Jake: Why the new server?

Dan: cause if uncle fiske found out what we were planning hed put a stop to it immediatly

Amy: immediatly

Dan: i can kick you from the server

Amy: and i'll tell uncle fiske

Sinead: Amy we're so close to finishing this thing please don't.

Atticus: What thing?

Ned: We made a snow machine, or several because the dining hall is huge. When we hide them around the dining hall we'll switch it to blizzard mode. Amy and Dan have also been gathering snowballs that we keep in an ice box.

Amy: we'll be grounded for sure, but it'll be worth it

Dan: so worth it if i dont have to wear a stuffy suit all night

Jake: So let me get this straight. 

Jake: You all can't be seen with each other because the media sucks and Fiske still plans on throwing a Christmas party?

Amy: it's a really old family tradition

Amy: if we didn't i don't know what would happen

Jake: Your family is crazy.

Dan: old news

Jake: Alright, I'm in.

Atticus: Me too!

Evan: Make that three.

Dan: this is gonna be the best christmas party ever

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family

Dan: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Amy: chrsitmas is a week away, dan

Dan: IDC MERRY CHRISTMAS

Fiske: Next week is fine for everyone, yes?

Eisenhower: Yes.

Broderick: Jonah's done with tours for the year then, yes.

Alistair: I'll be done with meetings by then.

Ian: Natalie and I will be out there earlier.

Natalie: We will?

Ian: Yes, I want to get out of this country.

Dan: amy we need to talk

Amy: right

SERVER the prank war masters

Amy: what did you need dan

Dan: to make sure everyone knows the plan

Dan: once someone says something about snow, the machines kick on full blast and we all come in and pelt people with snowballs

Hamilton: piece of cake

Evan: Speaking of cake, did Fiske make that cinnamon coffee caramel cake?

Amy: he made three

Atticus: Oh, fuck yeah!

Sinead: Voice activated controls ready, it's showtime.

Sinead: THIS WAS A BIGGER MISTAKE THAN DAN'S GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK!

Dan: ABORT MISSION

Ned: WE DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!

Hamilton: theres no way none of us come out of this without hypothermia or frostbite

Amy: how do you even know that

Hamilton: everest 

Hamilton: also im a tomas

Amy: right

Dan: hes going savage

Sinead: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Ted: *smashes a 40 on the ground* SCATTER!

Ned: They malfunctioned, and suddenly the snow was up to everyone's waists.

Sinead: We must've missed something.

Ted: They'll work the next time we decide to use them.

Sinead: We still have the snowball hand cannon.

Hamilton: who was that for again?

Sinead: Honestly? I don't remember.

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Fiske: You're both grounded for the next three months.

Amy: worth it

Dan: so worth it

Dan: UNCLE FISKE LOOK OUT

Dan: that wasnt part of the plan why did she do that

Fiske: ...

Fiske: You're both ungrounded if you have a way to take out Beatrice.

Dan: THOUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK

Dan: AMY GET SINEAD

Amy: GETTING SINEAD

DMS Beatrice and Fiske

Beatrice: Fiske, what is that thing?

Fiske: Run.

Beatrice: What?

Fiske: Run.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Beatrice: FISKE, STOP CHASING ME THIS INSTANT!

Fiske: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Beatrice: FISKE!

Eisenhower: I have never felt fear in my life, but I think I'm experiencing it now.

Jonah: im just straight up scared

Amy: you know, i'm starting to see why ian thought they were lucians

Dan: yeah its making sense now

Ian: This cake is delicious.

Fiske: Thank you.

Alistair: What on Earth happened in here? I was gone for five minutes.

Sinead: Five minutes too long, Fiske's lost it.

Ned: The snowball hand cannon is too powerful.

Ted: We need to mass produce these.

Ned: Ted, no.

Sinead: Ted, yes.

Alistair: I can help with that.

Alistair: After Christmas and New Year's we could hit the market.

Beatrice: ONE OF YOU STOP HIM!

Eisenhower: After he broke my nose? I'm not touching that.

Broderick: No.

Jonah: lmao no

Reagan: do you think im crazy?

Sinead: Absolutely not this is amazing.

Ned: I don't have a death wish.

Ted: Ned, gather more intel for me to work with!

Madison: why would i do that

Hamilton: IVE GOT IT ALL ON CAMERA

Nellie: post it

Nellie: fiske i need this recipe 

Fiske: Your soul for the recipe.

Nellie: hmm

Dan: its not worth it

Amy: yeah we still need you

Nellie: SOLD

Dan: NOOOOOOOO

Nellie: sorry kiddos, my soul for fiskes food is a good deal

Natalie: She's right.

Amy: i know, we'll miss you nellie

Nellie: please, hell probably just make me work for the cahills for the rest of my life like mcintyre

Nellie: which honestly isnt a bad deal

McIntyre: It is not.

Dan: MAC

Amy: hi mac

McIntyre: Hello, you two.

McIntyre: ...Why is Master Cahill chasing his sister with... what is that?

Ned: A snowball hand cannon.

Ned: That we are NOT mass producing!

Alistair: Are you sure? It wouldn't be that hard to do.

Ted: Yes, Ned. Think of the money.

Sinead: The moneyyy.

Ned: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Dan: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Hamilton: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Jonah: YO MERRY CHRISTMAS

Amy: DAN, I'TS TWO IN THE MORNING!

Dan: CHRISTMAS STARTS AT MIDNIGHT

Dan: not to mention uncle fiske gets us up in an hour anyways

Ian: He has a point.

Ian: Merry Christmas.

Natalie: Merry Christmas.

Natalie: It's two thirty in the morning, go the fuck back to sleep.

Nellie: merry christmas

Nellie: fiskes in the other chat, kiddos

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Fiske: Good morning.

Fiske: Merry Christmas.

Nellie: its too early

Dan: you say that every year

Nellie: because its true

Nellie: anyways get to opening your gifts kiddos

Amy: is this what i think it is?

Dan: ARE WE ACTUALLY DOING THE THING?

Fiske: Yes.

Fiske: I suppose it was about time we actually relaxed for once.

Dan: YESSSSS

Dan: where are we going?

Fiske: Home.

Nellie: i thought home was boston?

Amy: maybe before the fire, but home was always portugal after fiske adopted us

Dan: BEST GIFT EVER

Nellie: have fun you three

Fiske: You're coming, too.

Nellie: wait really?

Fiske: Yes.

Fiske: Did you really think I would forget you?

Nellie: i mean

Nellie: kinda?

Dan: COME WITH US

Amy: PLEASE

Nellie: alright alright ill come

Dan: YES

Amy: YES

Fiske: Love you, kids.

Amy: love you uncle fiske

Dan: love you uncle fiske

SERVER one big unhappy family

Nellie: [a photo of Amy and Dan tackling Fiske in a hug]

Nellie: youre welcome

Nellie: now stop bothering me im going to go pack

Hamilton: we can always count on you for cahill content

Ian: Wait, packing for what?

Nellie: a trip, obviously

Nellie: merry christmas yall

Reagan: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Chapter Text

SERVER quality family time with the cahills and nellie

Dan: were forgetting something

Amy: if anyone is, it’s you

Dan: no i mean WE LEFT SOMETHING BACK IN BOSTON

Nellie: what did we possibly forget?

Dan: OMG

Dan: WE LEFT SALADIN

Dan: WE GRABBED EVERYTHING FOR HIM BUT FORGOT HIM

Amy: …

Amy: @Fiske

Fiske: Yes?

Dan: WE FORGOT SALADIN

Fiske: ...

Fiske: I'll have someone get him.

Fiske: He'll have to deal without us for a day.

DMS Amy and Hamilton

Amy: thanks for watching saladin for us, hamilton

Hamilton: any time! i love the little guy

Amy: mac is coming to get him tomorrow

Hamilton: got it

DMS Hamilton and Ian

Ian: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Hamilton: I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING

Ian: WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE DOOR?

Hamilton: IM WAITING FOR SOMEONE WHO WASNT YOU

Hamilton: there he is now

Ian: Great.

Hamilton: its mcintyre i think hes used to us all fighting

Ian: That's not a good thing.

Ian: GET THAT LITTLE MONSTER AWAY FROM ME!

Ian: I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH AMY AND DAN!

Hamilton: here we go again

Hamilton: they forgot him

DMS Hamilton and McIntyre

Hamilton: sorry about ian hes afraid of cats

McIntyre: I'm well aware of that, Mister Holt.

Hamilton: heres saladin

McIntyre: He's not here?

Hamilton: what

Hamilton: no please god no

Hamilton: hang on a minute

DMS Hamilton and Ian

Hamilton: have you seen saladin

Ian: Why would I want to see that rat?

Hamilton: hes missing

Hamilton: not in the cat carrier

Hamilton: vanished

Hamilton: gone

Hamilton: poof

Ian: Okay, I get it.

Ian: He wouldn't have run away, he's too good for that.

Hamilton: good as in?

Ian: As in a rule breaker but he knows what he can get away with.

Hamilton: like you?

Ian: Well... no.

Ian: That's not the point.

Ian: You need to find him.

Hamilton: ME?

Ian: Yes, you lost him.

Hamilton: DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ITS GOING TO BE TO FIND THAT CAT IN THIS PLACE?

Hamilton: HE KNOWS ALL THE SPOTS

Ian: Good luck.

Hamilton: AILSUFHSLIFHEFWEJFS

DMS Hamilton and Sinead

Sinead: What are you doing?

Hamilton: LOOKING FOR SALADIN

Hamilton: IAN WONT HELP

Sinead: Well that one was obvious.

Sinead: Why are you looking for him? Isn't he with Amy and Dan?

Hamilton: they forgot him

Sinead: I bet that's doing wonders for them.

Hamilton: its not

Hamilton: can you help? you know your way around here better than i do

Hamilton: mcintyres flight leaves in 6 hours if he wants to get saladin to them tomorrow

Sinead: Do you know where they even went?

Hamilton: nope, thats probably a good thing

Sinead: Anyways, there are five secret rooms that I know of.

Sinead: The library where the crests are, the one in Fiske's office behind the painting (don't go in this one), the one in the bathroom closet on the second floor, the one behind the cabinet walls in the kitchen and the one in the fireplace in the dining hall.

Hamilton: youre sure hes not anywhere else?

Sinead: Nope, day of the Hunt they found Saladin in the secret library with Alistair.

Hamilton: great

Hamilton: wait why shouldnt i go in the fiskes office one?

Sinead: Just don't.

Hamilton: okay then

Hamilton: i just hope mcintyre doesnt tell them we lost him

DMS Dan and McIntyre

Dan: have you got saladin yet?

McIntyre: I have been in a meeting up until now, Master Dan.

Dan: oh

McIntyre: I will get him as fast as I can.

DMS Hamilton and McIntyre

McIntyre: Please hurry, I do not like lying to the Cahill children.

Hamilton: IM TRYING THIS LITTLE SHIT REFUSES TO BE FOUND

Hamilton: wait does that mean you dont like lying to the rest of us?

McIntyre: No comment.

Hamilton: HEY WERE BETTER NOW

McIntyre: No comment.

Hamilton: AJLSHAUFHWEFI

DMS Hamilton and Ian

Ian: @Hamilton

Ian: @Hamilton

Ian: HAMILTON 

Ian: HAMILTON ANSWER YOUR FUCKING DMS

Ian: I SWEAR TO GOD

Hamilton: I WAS TALKING TO MCINTYRE OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT

Hamilton: IN CASE YOU CANT TELL IM A LITTLE BUSY

Ian: I FOUND THE LITTLE SHIT

Hamilton: WHERE

Ian: HE'S RUINING MY CLOTHES!

Hamilton: BUT WHERE

Ian: HE'S IN MY FUCKING SHIRT DRAWER!

Hamilton: YOURE JOKING

Ian: I'M NOT

Ian: I'M SERIOUS GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Hamilton: OKAY OKAY IM COMING

Hamilton: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ian: SHUT UP

Hamilton: LITTLE DUDE TRASHED YOUR ROOM AND MADE A NEST OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES

Ian: MY MOST EXPENSIVE SUIT IS IN THERE!

Hamilton: OH, THE HORRORS

Hamilton: IM SENDING THIS TO DAN

Ian: DO NOT

Hamilton: TOO LATE

DMS Dan and Hamilton

Hamilton: [a picture of Saladin in one of Ian's drawers surrounded by fancy clothing and other expensive items, along with a second image of a very disappointed and angry Ian in a trashed room glaring at the camera]

Dan: LOL whats he doing in there?

Hamilton: long story short i let him out of the carrier to run around for a bit before mcintyre came to get him, he disappeared and i now know to stay out of the secret rooms in this place

Dan: i couldve told you that

Dan: if anything is missing from my collections ill know

Hamilton: didnt bother touching that stuff

Hamilton: anyways mcintyre just left im gonna crash for the rest of the day

Hamilton: i love the little guy but hide and seek was stressful and i need a nap

Dan: have one in ians dresser

Hamilton: LMAO i dont think ill fit dude

Dan: you never know unless you try

Hamilton: shit you right

Hamilton: time to be a cat and sleep in the most obscure places possible

Hamilton: number one, ians bed

Hamilton: he threatened me okay searching for the next place

Dan: have fun

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family

Dan: im bored

Fiske: It's almost midnight.

Hamilton: yeah in like 10 hours

Sinead: Are we still setting off the fireworks?

Fiske: What fireworks?

Sinead: Shit.

Hamilton: dammit

Sinead: Uh, we got firework, forgot to ask if we could set them off at midnight and were just planning to either way.

Sinead: Alistair's been watching us.

Alistair: There haven't been any issues yet, Fiske.

Alistair: I'll stop them if there is one.

Fiske: Okay, that works.

Hamilton: hows the lego death star coming along

Dan: pretty good

Amy: would be better if saladin didn't keep stealing pieces thinking they're cat toys

Amy: he's stolen yoda's head three times already

Hamilton: of events this is an unfortunate turn

Dan: its not so bad

Dan: we just have to steal it back from him when hes not looking

Amy: i hate that stealing things comes to mind first now

Ian: It's the Cahill way.

Ian: Maybe next year will be better.

Sinead: THE FIREWORKS ARE SET UP!

Sinead: @everyone COME TO THE ROOF!

Jonah: how many fireworks did you all even get?

Reagan: not enough

Jonah: this is enough to cover an entire football field seats included, how many more do we need?

Reagan: more

Hamilton: thirty nine more minutes

Hamilton: start gathering everyone to the roof

Jonah: uh

Jonah: we need an adult

Fiske: 'm nd auldt

Alistair: You're drunk, that doesn't qualify for being an adult.

Fiske: boo

Beatrice: What did you all do to him?

Ned: When we found him he'd drunk nearly a whole  bottle of, what was that? I didn't see.

Alistair: Whiskey.

Beatrice: He's a lightweight.

Fiske: ima ks the lsat person taht comes in the rom before midnight

Eisenhower: I hope to god it's not me.

Broderick: Likewise.

Dan: i think we should give up on the death star for now

Dan: i cant find vaders head and some of the other pieces

Amy: i swear i just had it by me

Reagan: i saw saladin swat something round into one of the vents

Dan: NOOOOOOOOO

Sinead: TO THE ROOF!

Dan: okay okay

Ian: 5

Nellie: 4

Alistair: 3

Mary-Todd: 2

Phoenix: 1

Jake: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Evan: Happy New

Atticus: Happy

Hamilton: ...

Reagan: oh my god

Ned: I WISH I WAS TED!

Ted: What's happening?

Dan: UH

Ian: I want to look away, but I can't.

Natalie: Send help. Please. I can't do this anymore.

Jonah: MY EYES

Eisenhower: Someone should've warned him.

Sinead: That's what we forgot to do!

Eisenhower: Of course it was.

Ted: SOMEONE PLEASE SAY WHAT'S GOING ON!

Amy: uncle fiske kissed mcintyre

Madison: he really went for it

Madison: tongue and all

Ted: Oh, oh no.

Beatrice: He's going to regret that in the morning.

Alistair: Well, that was unexpected. Happy New Year everyone. I'll take Fiske to bed. Someone should calm McIntyre.

Ian: Tomorrow is going to be fun.

DMS Fiske and McIntyre

McIntyre: When you recall what happened, I think we should talk.

Fiske: Oh my god.

Fiske: William, I am so sorry.

Fiske: I wasn't thinking.

Fiske: Of course I wasn't thinking who am I kidding?

McIntyre: Sir, if you would please calm down.

McIntyre: It is as fine as it can be. It was New Years Eve. With this family I've learned that anything is bound to happen.

McIntyre: Do not worry about this too much.

Fiske: I

Fiske: Okay, if you insist.

Fiske: But I won't be happy about it.

Fiske: And you know you can just call me Fiske. Especially after this.

McIntyre: I'm well aware of that.

McIntyre: Happy New Year, Sir.

McIntyre: Fiske.

McIntyre: I'm never going to get used to this.

Fiske: That makes two of us.

Fiske: Happy New Year, William.

Chapter Text

SERVER holts number one

Eisenhower: Did you hear about the circus fire?

Eisenhower: It was in tents!

Hamilton: not again

Reagan: dad why

Madison: that wasnt even funny dad please stop

Eisenhower: Why don't eggs tell jokes?

Eisenhower: They might crack up!

Mary-Todd: Muffin, why is our son crying?

Mary-Todd: The girls are screaming for help?

Eisenhower: I found my old dad joke book!

Mary-Todd: ...

Hamilton: mom please make it stop before he gets to the sports jokes

Eisenhower: EXCELLENT IDEA, SON!

Hamilton: ME AND MY BIG MOUTH

Madison: NOOOOOO

Reagan: WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN US?!

Eisenhower: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

Eisenhower: In case he got a hole in one!

Madison: this is your fault hamilton

Hamilton: im leaving i cant take it anymore

Reagan: TAJE US WITH YOU

DMS Hamilton and Mary-Todd

Hamilton: i thought you threw that out!

Mary-Todd: I did! He must've found it!

Hamilton: im going to the mansion until its gone

Hamilton: im also blocking dad until he stops

Mary-Todd: Okay, just take your sisters with you.

Hamilton: was already planning on it

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Hamilton: is it safe here?

Ian: Define safe.

Reagan: no dad jokes

Madison: please

Sinead: God no.

Jonah: theyre awful

Dan: shep told us some in australia, it was a mistake when he asked to tell them and amy suddenly yelled no dont when i said yes

Amy: i don’t yell but i had to that time

Dan: you scared the shit out of uncle fiske

Amy: i think nellie has a video

Dan: im gonna see

DMS Dan and Nellie

Dan: do you still have that video from australia

Nellie: gonna have to be more specific kiddo theres a lot of videos from australia 

Dan: the dad joke one 

Nellie: yeah i got it

Nellie: [sent 1 video]

Dan: youre the best

Nellie: i know

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Dan: [Nellie is recording, for no apparent reason other than Shep is hilarious to her. the man comes back in with his phone, a book and a huge grin on his face.

Fiske is oblivious to the situation, wrapped up in his own book.

"So who wants to hear some dad jokes?" the Aussie asks.

"Sure-" Dan is about to say while Amy also yells "NO, DON'T!" startling their uncle into dropping his book, he looks at her with wide blue eyes

and Shep proceeds to launch into an hours worth of dad jokes and Nellie cackles as Amy's face falls, Dan's following hers minutes later. the whole hour is not recorded.]

Jonah: wow i didnt know you had a voice

Amy: you should, you were there in the catacombs

Jonah: thats right i was

Hamilton: have i ever mentioned that nellie was the best

Dan: no i dont think you have

Dan: she is though

Ian: I didn't think Fiske could ever react like that.

Dan: he was super distracted, which doesnt happen a lot

SERVER one big unhappy family (adult edition)

Eisenhower: I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Eisenhower: Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Broderick: We're not doing this.

Eisenhower: Too late, Wizard!

Eisenhower: How is my wallet like an onion?

Eisenhower: Every time I open it, I cry.

Beatrice: Have fun with whatever this is.

Broderick: Don't leave me here with him!

Alistair: Well, I'm not listening to it.

Eisenhower: You can't go anywhere!

Alistair: No, but I can turn off my phone and ignore this chat.

Mary-Todd: Let's not torture our relatives any more than we already have.

Beatrice: A little too late for that.

Eisenhower: Where do rainbows go when they've been bad?

Eisenhower: To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.

Broderick: Starting to hate you.

Alistair: Starting?

Eisenhower: What if I switched to puns?

Alistair: Those are the same thing!

Eisenhower: No they're not!

Alistair: Yes they are!

Broderick: They are.

Eisenhower: Why did the old man fall down the well?

Eisenhower: He couldn’t see that well.

Alistair: Mary-Todd!

Mary-Todd: I'm trying!

Mary-Todd: It's a lot harder than you think!

Eisenhower: One does not simply take anything from a Tomas!

Alistair: @Fiske

Broderick: @Fiske

Beatrice: @Fiske

Eisenhower: The old man hasn't been on in a week, he wont be any help!

Beatrice: Doesn't matter, he sees something from me or Alistair and he'll help.

Fiske: What the hell is going on here?

Eisenhower: Nothing!

Eisenhower: Nothing at all!

Fiske: I don't buy that.

Fiske: Anyone else want to tell me what's going on?

Broderick: He keeps making dad jokes.

Mary-Todd: I GOT IT!

Eisenhower: CUPCAKE, NO!

Mary-Todd: THERE'S BEEN ENOUGH DAMAGE DONE WITH THIS BOOK!

Eisenhower: PUT THE FLAMETHROWER AWAY!

Mary-Todd: NEVER!

Fiske: WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Broderick: I did, Eisenhower keeps making dad jokes.

Fiske: But how did it lead to all of this?

Alistair: How does anything in this family lead to this?

Alistair: The same way it always does.

Fiske: I can't help with this.

Fiske: Resolve it yourselves.

Mary-Todd: DOING THAT!

Eisenhower: THE DOOR IS COMING DOWN NEXT!

Mary-Todd: DO IT AND YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Fiske: Portugal was a good decision.

Nellie: are you telling me or confirming it for yourself

Fiske: I don't know anymore.

Fiske: I just feel bad that William was left with the chaos after New Year's.

Nellie: first time you mentioned him and new years since the incident

Fiske: Shutting up again.

Nellie: DONT YOU DARE

Nellie: YOU NEED TO TALK OLD MAN

Fiske: I'M NOT OLD!

Nellie: YOURE LIKE 50 YEARS OLDER THAN ME

Fiske: DOESN'T MATTER!

Nellie: IM GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE

Fiske: GOOD LUCK, I'M THE ONLY MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY WITH THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF TRAINING!

Nellie: DONT CARE I WILL MAKE YOU TALK

Fiske: TRY ME!

Nellie: I WILL

DMS Amy and Dan

Dan: the adults are fighting again

Amy: just ignore them

Dan: record it?

Amy: and send it to the family chat

Dan: lets go

SERVER one big unhappy family

Jonah: so whatever happened to the book?

Mary-Todd: I burned it.

Eisenhower: IT'S GONE?

Mary-Todd: IT'S FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Hamilton: thank god, we can go home now

Reagan: but we were getting into such a good game of 3d chess with the starlings!

Hamilton: fine after chess

Madison: yes!

Dan: [a video of Fiske and Nellie fighting, again. Nellie wins this time by pinning Fiske to the floor and twisting his arms behind his back until he yelled at her to let him go. the whole time the two were arguing about talking, but didn't say what they were talking about]

Alistair: I swear those two are always fighting.

Broderick: Better them than us.

Alistair: Not really, but okay.

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family

Jonah: is anyone at the mansion right now?

Jonah: ive got like 75% left on my phone

Hamilton: nope

Natalie: I haven't been there in a week and neither has Ian.

Sinead: I don't think so, I left the other day.

Alistair: What's wrong?

Jonah: i found one of the secret rooms

Jonah: problem is i sort of

Fiske: What did you do?

Jonah: ...i locked myself in

Hamilton: youre joking

Sinead: Do they actually have locks?

Sinead: I never paid close attention to them.

Fiske: Mine does.

Fiske: Do not touch anything!

Jonah: woah you did all of this?

Fiske: Yes! Now don't touch!

Jonah: alright alright im just hovering near the door

Broderick: Why do you not have a full battery on your phone?

Jonah: i forgot to charge it last night

Jonah: are you sure youre just a madrigal mr c?

Fiske: I'm heading to the airport now.

Natalie: I think that's a yes, Jonah.

Natalie: Or he just doesn't want to say.

Jonah: damn

DMS Fiske and Nellie

Fiske: I did not want to keep going back to the States, but now I have to.

Fiske: Why can't we ever just relax?

Nellie: how the hell did jonah even manage that?

Nellie: isnt your thing under lock and key?

Fiske: It locks when it senses intruders, however I don't know why it would lock Jonah in.

Nellie: poor design choice

Nellie: cant you just have mcintyre do it

Nellie: cause im pretty sure if you leave again the kids are going to be upset

Fiske: William is the family lawyer, not the family butler.

Fiske: Bothering him this would be unacceptable.

Nellie: yeah he sure was just a lawyer during the hunt

Fiske: What are you implying?

Nellie: hes dealt with our shit more than enough to trust with whatever secrets youve got holed up in that vault or whatever

Nellie: AND he dropped whatever he was doing to move out here with us

Fiske: ...Okay, fine. I'll make the call.

Nellie: glad to see youre finally growing a pair and talking to him again

Fiske: NOT THE TIME.

DMS Fiske and McIntyre

Fiske: William, do you mind if I bother you with a request?

McIntyre: Not at all, what is it?

Fiske: Apparently, Jonah has managed to lock himself in my secret room.

McIntyre: How did he manage that?

Fiske: I have no idea but, I'm the only one with the key and according to Nellie, if I leave again the children will be upset.

Fiske: I hate to ask, but could you get him out of there?

McIntyre: I can.

Fiske: Thank you, I'll pay for your flight.

McIntyre: Any time, Fiske.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Fiske: @Jonah William is on his way, continue to not touch anything.

Jonah: got it, my phones going to die in like an hour

Broderick: What were you even doing at the mansion?

Jonah: forgot my charger

Hamilton: ...

Natalie: ...

Alistair: ...

Jonah: oh dont act like you all never forgot your charger then decided to look around somewhere just because you could!

Natalie: Can't recall.

Hamilton: nope

Alistair: I don't forget things.

Jonah: fuck yall

Natalie: So what’s even in there?

Jonah: its mr cs stuff

Natalie: Which means?

Jonah: which means i cant get close to it unless i want to die

Jonah: and i dont have a death wish

Sinead: Could’ve fooled me the way you ran from Fiske when you accidentally made that one tweet.

Jonah: i was running for my actual life!

Ian: Sure you were.

Jonah: I WAS

Jonah: pjonse dyin goodbye

Broderick: Jonah!

Hamilton: long live the wizard

Sinead: He will be missed.

McIntyre: I am at the mansion, is Jonah still here?

Sinead: Yeah, his phone's dead though.

Sinead: He's in Fiske's office, behind the mansion painting.

McIntyre: Jonah is fine, although you wouldn't be able to tell because he's being dramatic.

Broderick: Good.

Jonah: I AM NOT BEING DRAMATIC HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

McIntyre: Do you think Fiske wouldn't have taken the necessary measures to make sure people didn't go through his things?

Jonah: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT IT DIDNT LOCK FROM THE INSIDE

Fiske: ...

Ian: I hate it here.

Jonah: I REALLY THOUGHT IT LOCKED ME IN

Fiske: NEXT TIME I WILL MAKE IT LOCK YOU IN!

Sinead: At least nothing was ruined, right?

Fiske: William?

McIntyre: Jonah kept his word when he said he would wait by the door.

Fiske: Good.

Hamilton: wait how can you make something lock someone in

Hamilton: youre not an ekat

Fiske: I just can, next question.

Natalie: So what's in the even more secret than the 39 Clues vault?

Fiske: Next!

DMS Fiske and Jonah

Jonah: why dont you just tell them

Jonah: theyre gonna keep asking

Jonah: and honestly i want to know too

Fiske: You saw more than what you said you did.

Jonah: ...

Jonah: okay i looked a little, but i swear i didnt touch anything

Jonah: are you sure youre not a janus?

Fiske: I have distant Ekat and Janus relatives, but I am not a Janus.

Jonah: man

Jonah: can i at least show them one?

Jonah: pretty sure theyll shut up after, theyre just nosy like i am and dont want to admit it

Fiske: ...Alright, fine.

Fiske: You may show them one.

SERVER one big unhappy family

Jonah: [a painting of a familiar cat, Saladin, sleeping on a patch of sunlight]

Ian: That's what was in the vault?

Jonah: this one and more

Sinead: Can we see another?

Fiske: Absolutely not.

Natalie: This was you?

Fiske: It is my secret room.

Hamilton: suddenly it makes a lot of sense

Alistair: I almost forgot just how talented you are.

McIntyre: Yes, it's a shame you don't have the time to paint more with recent events.

Fiske: Thank you. I would like to paint again, but the children are my main focus right now.

McIntyre: You're on vacation, anything is possible.

Fiske: Right as always, William. Maybe I will.

Ian: Can we see it?

Fiske: Maybe.

Jonah: well take it

Chapter Text

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Dan: are we still on for the gauntlet

Hamilton: the cahill gauntlet might be the worst idea yet

Dan: i think you mean best idea

Hamilton: how are we all going to beat five games

Dan: thats the neat part, only one person wins

Ian: A contest? What do we win?

Natalie: It can't be money, we're all rich.

Dan: no chores next time you visit the mansion

Reagan: hmm

Madison: what games?

Dan: theres 10, but you only need to beat 5 to win

Dan: theyre uno, mario kart, minecraft, plants vs zombies, geometry dash, connect 4, super smash bros, wii sports, csgo and fnaf

Hamilton: how do we beat minecraft on our own?

Dan: im getting to that

Amy: wasn't smash bros banned after the rob incident?

Sinead: I WARNED IAN THAT ROB WAS THE BEST AND HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!

Ian: FUCK YOU, KIRBY IS THE BEST AND ALWAYS WILL BE!

Sinead: THAT PINK MARSHMALLOW FUCK IS THE MOST BASIC CHARACTER YOU CAN LEARN!

Sinead: YOU BASIC BITCH!

Ian: I AM NOT A BASIC BITCH!

Sinead: YES YOU ARE!

Amy: I'LL GET UNCLE FISKE IF THE TWO OF YOU DON'T STOP!

Ian: ...

Sinead: ...

Amy: GLAD TO HEAR IT!

Dan: so me and amy are the announcers

Jonah: wait youre not playing?

Dan: i made the competition

Natalie: I volunteer Ian as tribute for the Lucians.

Ian: WHAT?!

Reagan: great idea i volunteer hamilton for the tomas

Madison: seconded

Hamilton: i got this

Ned: Ted and I volunteer Sinead for the Ekats.

Jonah: i volunteer myself i guess

Dan: and now im spinning the wheel

DMS Dan and Ian

Dan: hows geometry dash ian

Ian: I want to die.

Ian: What did I do to deserve this?

Dan: main kirby in smash

Ian: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GIT!

Dan: lol

Ian: FUCKING RESTART AGAIN I HAD THAT!

Dan: you got twenty minutes before you can respin

Ian: JUST KILL ME!

DMS Amy and Sinead

Amy: you got cod?

Sinead: Easiest shit ever.

Amy: no aim assist

Sinead: WHY?

Amy: that’s cheating

Sinead: SIDIGHFHDJ FINE!

Amy: i’ll check back in a bit

DMS Dan and Hamilton

Dan: plants vs zombies beat level 1-10

Hamilton: easy

DMS Dan and Jonah

Jonah: how are we supposed to do minecraft?

Jonah: we cant beat the ender dragon on our own

Dan: oh right i forgot to explain that

Dan: just build a nether portal and find a fortress

SERVER just a couple of guys being dudes (show me your dick steve)

Dan: are you guys sure you dont want in on this?

Dan: theres still time to join

Jake: Positive.

Atticus: I'm fine with watching.

Evan: I'd rather die for real than go through that hell.

DMS Amy and Sinead

Amy: did you win?

Sinead: NO!

Sinead: THERE WERE CHEATERS IN MY LOBBY!

Sinead: THIS IS WHY I WANTED AIM ASSIST!

Amy: im respinning

Amy: connect 4

Sinead: THANK GOD!

DMS Dan and Ian

Dan: times up

Ian: I'M NEVER PLAYING THIS GAME AGAIN!

Dan: you might get it back if it wins the respin

Ian: IT BETTER NOT!

Dan: youre lucky i guess plants vs zombies level 1-10

Ian: THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER I'VE NEVER PLAYED THIS!

Dan: YOU WHAT?

Ian: I DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES!

DMS Dan and Hamilton

Hamilton: [screenshot of Hamilton winning level 1-10]

Hamilton: i beat plants vs zombies

Dan: IANS NEVER PLAYED

Hamilton: WHTA

Dan: CRIMINAL

Dan: also next game is smash bros

Hamilton: shit

DMS Dan and Jonah

Jonah: [screenshot of a nether fortress]

Dan: next game is csgo

Jonah: aw man

DMS Amy and Fiske

Fiske: Is everything alright?

Amy: we're fine, why?

Fiske: Neither of you have mentioned either of you annoying each other in the past three days.

Amy: oh

Amy: guess we just haven't been annoying each other as much this time

Amy: when are you coming home this time?

Fiske: Saturday.

Amy: okay, love you uncle fiske

Fiske: Love you too, Amy.

DMS Amy and Dan

Amy: think we'll be done with this by saturday?

Dan: why

Amy: that's when uncle fiske gets back

Dan: oh

Amy: yeah

Dan: maybe?

Dan: might need to lower the score

Amy: to what?

Dan: well hamilton won pvz and jonah won minecraft, so 3?

Amy: did we ever decide what minecraft would be?

Dan: i just made it build a nether portal and find a fortress

Amy: should we tell everyone that we're shortening it?

Dan: yeah lets go

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Amy: @everyone uncle fiske returns on saturday, so we're shortening the game wins from 5 to 3

Ian: OH THANK GOD!

Natalie: BOO!

Jonah: I HATE CSGO

Sinead: SOUNDS LIKE A SKILL ISSUE!

Jonah: YOU COULDNT WIN COD SHUT UP

Sinead: EVERYONE WAS CHEATING OF COURSE I COULDN'T WIN!

Hamilton: EVERYONE KEEPS PICKING ERMAC I WANT TO DIE

Sinead: Who are you maining?

Hamilton: MII FIGHTER

Sinead: Well no wonder, Mii Fighters suck.

Hamilton: GO BACK TO YOUR OWN GAME

Sinead: I beat mine.

Hamilton: THEN PLAY ANOTHER

Dan: this was an amazing idea

Amy: it wasn't

Dan: hater

Amy: dan

Dan: aNYWAYS

Dan: hamilton gets csgo, jonah gets smash, ian gets connect 4, sinead gets minecraft

Jonah: YES

Hamilton: praying that i dont have shitters on my team

Ian: Finally, something easy!

Sinead: Piece of cake.

Natalie: Ian if you lose Connect 4 I'll be extremely disappointed in you.

Ian: Please, I reached peak disappointing child levels when Mother was still around, anything you say wont make me feel worse than I already do.

Reagan: thats... thats not a good thing

Ian: I'm aware.

Dan: shut up and play before uncle fiske finds out were playing smash

DMS Dan and Jonah

Jonah: i somehow won smash

Dan: youre in the lead until hamilton and sinead beat their game

Dan: also geometry dash

Jonah: god fucking damn it

DMS Dan and Ian

Ian: I LOST!

Ian: I LOST EVERY FUCKING GAME OF CONNECT FOUR!

Ian: I QUIT!

Dan: you cant quit

Ian: I DON'T CARE I'M DONE!

Dan: youre still playing mario kart

Ian: NO I'M NOT!

DMS Amy and Sinead

Sinead: [screenshot of a nether fortress]

Sinead: Here's your fortress.

Amy: one more, uno

Sinead: But I don't have Uno.

Amy: EVERYONE HAS UNO DIPSHIT, IT CAME FREE WITH YOUR FUCKING XBOX!

Sinead: I didn't get it and I have the oldest Xbox known to man.

Amy: no you don't, i got mine on day one!

Sinead: I don't have it!

Amy: YOU HAVE UNO

Sinead: I DON'T HAVE IT!

Amy: YOU HAVE UNOOOOOOOOO

Amy: anyways i know you have it good luck

Sinead: NO!

DMS Dan and Hamilton

Hamilton: I WON

Dan: mario kart

Hamilton: FUCK

SERVER one big unhappy family (kids edition)

Dan: its literally just down to jonah, hamilton and sinead

Dan: SINCE IAN IS A QUITTER

Ian: I! DON'T! PLAY! VIDEO! GAMES!

Natalie: YOU QUIT?!

Ian: I LOST CONNECT 4!

Ian: OF COURSE I QUIT!

Madison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Reagan: LOSER

Ian: HEY!

Jonah: I MAY LOVE MUSIC BUT THIS GAME WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME

Sinead: AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT GETTING ROYALLY FUCKED BY EVERYONE ONLINE!

Hamilton: I HATE BABY PARK

Jonah: im seconds away from ending it all

Sinead: UNO! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Ian: I'm so glad I quit.

Ned: Draw Four.

Sinead: YOU'RE IN MY LOBBY?!

Ned: Yes.

Sinead: THAT'S IT! I'M DONE!

Sinead: I HAD ONE CARD AND NOW IM AT THIRTEEN!

Hamilton: IM DONE

Hamilton: I GOT SILVER ON SPECIAL CUP

Dan: and hamilton wins

Jonah: FINALLY

Natalie: IAN YOU COULD'VE WON!

Ian: I'M NOT SPEAKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE!

Sinead: NED, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

Ned: Oh, I'm so scared.

Reagan: HOLTS NUMBER ONE

Madison: HOLTS NUMBER ONE

Jonah: man that was close i was seconds away from winning smash

Amy: uncle fiske is back

Jonah: does he suspect anything

Amy: not a clue (i hope)

Dan: we should do this more often

Ian: I'd rather kill myself.

Natalie: Dramatic much?

Ian: I'd say not enough.

Jonah: kids could you lighten up a little?

Amy: that's literally impossible, we're cahills